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my fiancée yells from the laundry room that she needs my help, i quickly run over and find that the whole floor is drenched. after moving the washer and dryer to clean up the mess, i begin work inspecting the units to find the leak. i can't seem to locate it and tell her to run another load and we can check on it periodically. no leak occurs this time, but i do notice a note on the bottom left corner of the unit warning us about a filter we need to clean out every two months. we have had this pair of units for a year and have never done as directed. i quickly open the panel and untwist the filter, which then proceeds to spray water out, flooding my laundry room again.

flooding my laundry room twice.

today at work was a incredibly slow day and i was walking around the store and found a dollar, so i looked around and didn't see anybody so i pick up the dollar and put it in my pocket. if anybody comes to guest services i'll give it back. well 15 minutes later i go on lunch and during my lunch i remembered i had the dollar in my pocket and i had the best idea at the time , (me talking to myself) hey bud you know what would be smart! what? putting tape on the dollar and try getting unlimited uses on the vending machine! wow you're right brain that's a great idea. so i get tape and put it on the dollar and try and put it in. it goes in perfectly fine and when i try to pull back on the tape it slips out of my grip and goes in the machine and the machine is making a god awful "ehhhhhhh" noise so i'm over here smacking the machine to get it to shut up and it finally does. the machine now won't take any change and i lost a dollar and probably my job if they find out.

tried to insert taped dollar into vending machine, vending machine didn't like it.

breaking a vending machine.

against tifu tradition, this actually did happen today. for background, i'm 18 and am staying with my grandmother for personal reasons, and today my mother decided to take me and my three siblings out to a family dinner. i, being the massive dweeb that i am, had been playing with my throwing knives (yes, i own[ed] throwing knives. and yes, they are rainbow colored just like the matching sword) while waiting for my mother to come and pick me up for the meal. when she arrived, i decided to slip them into my pocket rather than go and put them away because they are small and easily fit there, so whatever, it's always nice to have a knife on your person, right? note that i am somewhat attached to these knives, as i payed for them and enjoy practising with them. well after the dinner we stopped at mother's house for a while, and a good family friend was there as well, because she might as well live there to be honest. she is as much a dweeb as i am, and i figured she would think they were neat. here is where the fuck up comes in. unbeknownst to me it just happens to be this friends birthday, which i conveniently forgot. so i say to her "hey [name], i brought these because i figured you would like them" she looks at them for a second and suddenly i'm being hugged and thanked and being told how cool they are and how nice i am. and me being a nervous bean was too nice to correct her, so she is now the proud owner of two rainbow colored throwing knives.

i forgot it was a friends birthday, tried to show her my cool throwing knives, and was too nice to correct her when she assumed they were a present.

being bad at phrasing and accidentally giving someone a birthday present

my dad found this carbon monoxide meter this morning that needed a battery. after replacing the battery, we plugged it into the wall. i pressed the test button for it to test the amount of carbon monoxide currently in my house. it was flashing 237 and obnoxiously beeping. we opened all of the windows and shut the furnace off in 20 degree weather. we called the man who put our furnace in and called the fire department, who did not come until 5 pm. i could feel myself getting lightheaded and nauseated. it turns out the "test" button was to make sure the alarm still worked and the level of carbon monoxide in my house was 0.

convincing my entire family that my house was saturated in carbon monoxide

so this happened about a week ago and i usually don't share or post stuff like this, but i'm over it now and figured if i got a laugh out of it it's worth a shot. anyway, let me just start by saying i am definitely not a morning person, but i somehow managed to get morning classes at uni. i somehow awoke before my alarm on this day, but i was groggy nonetheless, and stumbled in the bathroom to wash my face to get the day going. as i glance up in the mirror to admire my beautiful morning face, my attention is immediately directed towards the top corner of the bathroom where i swear i saw a twitch of something. luckily i turned on the lights this time, so i turn slowly just to check. clenching my cheeks tightly, i look up and to my horror, it was exactly as i feared, a beast of a roach. this thing was straight nasty, big bulging legs and long flickering antennas that make me shutter just thinking about. well anyway, this beast has me frozen in place as my mind is still beginning to wake up and process this; i'm still trying to figure out what to do. i look for a spray or something but there's nothing in the bathroom so i dart out to the living room area to grab a shoe. i stumble over my long pajama pants, but i make it back to the bathroom to see my ugly beast exactly where i left him (thank god). this is where the fuck up happens... i raise my arm with the shoe and realize i'm not quite tall enough to get it without jumping but my scale and trashcan are blocking the corner underneath the beast so i would have to jump diagonally almost. well brilliant me decided my hops were pretty good so i wouldn't have to move these obstacles. i jump like a mighty lion and i whack the shoe with the strength 100 men. unfortunately for me i didn't quite calculate how i would land this maneuver and i hit the edge of the scale on the way down and proceeded to fall backwards. i fell back while flailing my arms desperately trying to grasp hold of something only to fall and bounce off the toilet and into the tub while taking the whole shower curtain and rack with me. at first i chuckled but then the pain set in and boy did that hurt. i broke the shower rack and as i looked over realized the toilet seat had snapped off as well but that didn't really matter, i had to see the dead carcass. i searched everywhere and couldn't find it; there is a huge dirt print on the wall but i somehow missed the mark...i've never been so scared of revenge in my life.

woke up early to a nasty roach on the wall. tried to kill it with a manly leap smack with a shoe and failed miserably bruising me in the process. 3/10 would not try again.

trying to kill a cockroach

so my grandma and i were driving home from church (i was driving), and she wanted to stop to pick up something on the way home. i was driving out of the parking lot, and turned right. i guess i didn't straighten out the steering wheel or something, because i drifted toward a rather expensive car and scraped the entire left side. the insurance company said they would take care of everything so there was nothing we had to pay, but now i have a point on my record. and i don't even have my license yet.

sideswiping a car and getting a point on my record three days before my driving test

we've gotten along pretty well for the past year; we kept to ourselves, shared dinner sometimes, only talked when we wanted to, and she put up with my pet. it was a great living situation. we both took on new jobs late last year farther north, increasing our commutes. we were both getting pretty sick of things, so we started looking for a new place. simultaneously, our lease renewal notification came letting us know we have to give 30 days, at minimum, notice of renewal. i had assumed if we couldn't find a place, we would continue to live in the apartment we are in now. sure, the neighbors are noisy, and it's not **the closest** but it was home, and if it aint broke, don't fix it. kinda. we toured a few places, and after the topic of rent came up for the 3 of us, i started to wreck things. they had some concerns about sq.ft being factored into the rent division, and i had to open my fat mouth... to be fair, i thought she already had considered this option. i mentioned it entirely in passing, but immediately after i saw the lighbulb flick on. "you know what? you're right. ...oh, but we don't have any problem continuing to live with you." oh. okay, great. she then texts me a week later "we found a new place. our lease starts next month. we're so excited!" oh, okay. great. =.= so, now i have less than 30 days to find a new roommate, assuming the leasing office lets me stay (doubtful), or find a new apartment. on top of all of this, slightly related only to signing new leases and such, i had my credit card stolen around the holidays, and my card is maxed. needless to say, my credit score has seen better days, and i am highly doubtful that i will even be able to lease a place based on my own credit. roomie better have some solid numbers -- i also may be homeless in 21 days. i fucked up.

elnightening my roommate to the fact that she can afford a 1bd with her boyfriend, instead of a 2bd with both him and i.

like many other tifu's -- this didnt happen today (probably 5 years or more ago), but, this one is the worst one to happen to me. mind you, i am in a wheelchair. so, my mum and i were taking our dogs to the park, we did a few laps around the park and i was holding the dog leashes and my mum was pushing me. so, this is where the fuck up happened. i was beginning to make sure my dogs didn't take off to other people's dogs. thinking it was a good idea to wrap the leash around my wrist to get a firmer grip, well, i thought wrong. i was launched off my wheelchair as my female dog took off to go to the other dogs, landing on my big right toe and pretty much crying cause it hurt like fuck. it was an effort to get back into my chair, into the car and go to the doctors the next day.

not letting go of the dog leash

so, this fuck up happened about 2 years ago, and i'm sorry if my grammer is retarded haha. anyway, when i was 14 years old, i was going to a family wedding. we arrived, and after all the ceremonies of the couple getting married, we sat down for the wedding dinner. i ate some steak, and some mashed potatoes, but me being me, i eat a lot, and it takes a lot of food for me to finally be full. so me being 14 years old and my cousin, also 14, we were two, very, very stupid kids, with just a bit of love for gags and challenges. while i'm sitting on the table, catches my eye a very, odd, looking, pepper. i glanced at it, then talked to my cousin (let's call him ben) that maybe we can eat it, as sort of a challenge. now, me and ben didn't think too much about the pepper, didn't ask anyone about why it looks so weird and not having milk at all in case of emergency (the wedding was jewish, so eating meat before milk is forbidden, at least whoever believes in it). so we put it on our plates. i was myself a very stupid kid, wanting to show my "bravery"... oh well. we started counting down from 3... 3... 2... 1... i chugged the whole fucking thing into my mouth. what did ben do? didn't eat it at all, too scared. after 10 seconds, i've felt the most intense pain i've ever felt. i knew something was wrong, i started screaming at my dad to come with me out side, we rushed, he stole yogurt that was in one of the reserves, and i just laid down on the grass outside, drinking all the yogurt i could. i saw people rushing down, wondering what's happening. anyway, other than me screaming my ass off in pain, while at the same time spitting stuff out of my mouth and crying, we got home and i basically did nothing but drink milk in my computer chair for 4 days, with max ac on, because i started sweating and shaking. later we found out what i ate was the fucking carolina reaper, and we were wondering why that thing was in a wedding dinner table. my dad couldn't stop laughing at me so as a reward he later bought me a few games because of the completed "challenge" (one of those games ended up to be my favorite of all time lol). and, even today i laugh at ben for not experiencing it with me, haha. info about the carolina reaper -> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/carolina_reaper

went to a wedding, got bored, challenged myself to eat a random pepper which ended up being the carolina reaper, did it and put myself in horrible pain for about 4 days.

eating the carolina​ reaper pepper

disclaimer: this tifu didn't happen today, but about two years ago. i was in my last year of middle school (i hope i'm not mistaken; the dutch school system is different). in my middle school, there was a small, obscure room in the basement which was assigned to the seniors. in it was a dirty couch, an old tv and a gamecube with mario cart and mario super smash bros. me and a few friends basically claimed the spot, and used it frequently to bash each others' skull in over blue shells and falcon punches. needless to say, many classes were skipped that year. one day (probably 4-20) me and one of those aforementioned friends (let's call him fogell) had the bright idea to take three hours off, smoke a bunch of spliffs and play some mario kart. and so it was decided. we went to the local albert heijn to buy some snacks, among which a litre of dark chocolate milk. (the chocolate milk will be relevant later.) we smoked our asses of in the park next to the school. now, i don't smoke weed too often, but went at it big-time anyway. one should note that, allthough smoking weed is legal in holland, smoking weed during school hours and especially coming back to school visibly influenced is at the very least frowned upon, if not against the rules. we needed to keep a low profile. we went to school anyways, and while enjoying some lovely snacks we played mario kart. the last track i remember playing was rainbow road. my perception of it all was pretty blurry already. at some point i must have passed out, or at the very least decided sleeping on the couch drooling was more fun than rainbow road. when i woke up, i was alone. fogell came back quickly though, and apparantly brought two others as well. still not feeling 100% i pulled myself together and we continued playing, allbeit being a little more quiet than the usual me. by this time i had already drunk all of the chocolate milk, as well as eaten an entire bag of doritos. it's also important to note that that week some other students were painting the walls, so there were some paint buckets with a few centimetres of grey-silverish paint in them laying around. long story short, i barfed. some would call it instinct, others would call it luck, i say it doesn't matter. whatever it was, it caused me to barf into one of those buckets. upside: there was no barf on the floor. downside: i now have a bucket filled with paint and doritos chocolate milk barf. amazingly, none of the others noticed my ninjabarf. the smell, however, wasn't so stealthy: i had to come clean. hilarity followed. obviously had to get rid of it. this means i had to go to the nearest mens room (there was a womens room much closer to our gaming cave, but i figured i that if i would get caught with a bucket of barf, i would rather be caught by a male student) and dispose of the barf. the route was as following: up the stairs, through the hall (in which, by the way, most of the classrooms of that floor are situated), into the -hopefully empty- bathroom. after mustering the courage needed, off i went. i had tied a plastic bag around the bucket, hoping it would make me less obvious. it wasn't nessecary however; i didn't enounter a single person on my way to the toilet. in the toilet it became clear that reaching it was merely a small part of my epic quest: as it turns out, cleaning a bucket of chocolate milk dorito barf in a sink barely larger than said bucket is no easy task. soon i found myself with a sink clogged up with a ball of half digested doritos. the color of the water was beautifull though: a dark shade of silver, almost to the rim of the sink. the smell was not of the same beauty. for those who don't know -and i assume that's most of you-, cleaning a bucket of silver barf in your high school bathroom during school hours is about as scary as that scene with the snake in harry potter, but lasts about three times longer. i wasn't caught though and i returned to my equally retarded friends afterwards for another game of mario kart. good times. got high, barfed in a bucket of paint in school basement, had to sneak through the school to dispose of the barf during school hours. tl;drtl;dr: spliffs + chocolate milk + doritos + raindbow road = bucket of silver barf in school

being very stoned while playing mario kart in the school basement

so, this happened a few years ago at my parent's house. i was crashing there, taking a shower, nobody home; nice uneventful evening really, was getting rdy to get out, friday night etc... the thing is, the bathtub were i was showering was clogged (damn long hair...) and water would flush down the drain really slowly. so by the time i finished showering the tub was like 2/3 full of water. dunno why i thought it was a good idea but decided to try and fix it then and there... since i was wet already and all... i proceed to try to unclog it... and after around 3 minutes i managed to untangle the mess there and the whole bathtub drained in a sec. so far so good right?? thought to myself "phew that wasnt so hard!" ...then i proceed to exit the shower and when i open the curtains i realize there's like 3cms of water on the bathroom floor, covering all of it. i was "...wth? did i close the curtains wrong? something broke?" i get my flip flops and when i exit my bathroom i was horrified when i realized somehow the clogging from my bathroom re-clogged deeper into the pipes of the house and all the damn water from the tub got back from the guest bathroom's drain. at this point i was already panicking since i was probably getting screwed when my parents get back home. the frkn water got into the whole entrance, living room, dining room, 2 bathrooms and made a nice waterfall looking stream into the porch. im rushing helplessly trying to clean this up with a mop, and then my mom gets home from shopping. "what in the-" "uh.. i. bathroom. clog. aaa..."*stuthering* ...then she proceeded to join me with panicking and cleaning this shiet. "we better get this cleaned up before your father gets home!!" (my dad has kind of a bad temper, especially when returning from work, and getting his friday ruined would... welp) then my sister gets home with a bunch of people... because apparently she was making a party tonight, and this was made worse by the fact that i know all these people because we all go to the same school. (i want you to imagine me with a towel on my wrist, flip flops, tshirt, hair is a mess since i didnt even brush it, and a mop; with a look of terror on my face) ...everybody was speechless though; then after a few moments of awkward silence my sis goes with: " is.... is father home yet...?" "...no" " ...we better fix this then...!" but it was too late anyways, there was never enough time. half an hour passes, we hear a car parking on the driveway, and my dad proceeds to enter what it was now a weird smelling, flooded,1st floor, full with newspaper pages and towels, and a bunch of high schoolers and his two daughters with mops on their hands apparently trying to clean this mess. at this point i was expecting yelling and drama to ensue... we are all standing still looking at him in silence, frozen at the entrance; and then he does the most unexpected thing: he puts a "nope... nope" face and slowly walks tru everything in silence, calmly going up the stairs, as we hear the door of his room closing on the 2nd floor. ...he didnt show up until a few hours had passed after we kinda cleaned everything up. not wanting to talk about it at all. house was still wet and smelled weird for a couple of days. im guessing my dad decided to completely ignore it to avoid having a nervous breakdown... so, uh... lucky me?

dont try to play plumber and unclog stuff in your parents house, unless you like floods.

i tried to play plumber and unclog a bathtub full of water

so this actually happened 2 years go, summer in 2015. i was a international student doing a 6 week "pre-college" program (basically a summer program) at the rhode island school of design in providence, rhode island. anyways, so i arrive in boston where my uncle lives, collected some basic things i needed to survive those 6 weeks, and then my uncle drove me to the school and made sure i settled in. the screw up here, however, was that my uncle misjudged my arrival and wasn't able to get credit card in my name that i could use to spend some $$$ during my stay. so, as a last resort, he gave me a extra credit card he had, that had my aunt's name on it, and said that i could use it. i also had a traveller's debit card that my dad got for me from back home, but the catch with that was there was a "convenience" fee every time i used it. since paying in usd was already so much money, my dad asked me to use the credit card that my uncle gave as a my primary card and only to use the traveller's debit card when i absolutely had to. so 5 weeks down, i'm in the last week of the program and had to print up some big posters for my graphic design class. i had emailed staples with the files and printing instruction in advance. so when the day came to collect the printouts, a friend asked if she could tag along and we shared an uber ride to the store. i let her pick her stuff up first like any gentlemen would and when my turn came, i gave her my name and collected the printouts. checked to make sure that they were the way i wanted them and then gave the lady at the counter the credit card that my uncle gave me to use. she was just about to swipe it when she decides to glance at the name, think for about 30 seconds and then asks for my id. i let her know that i am a international student and i don't have an america id with me other than the id card that the school gave me. i also didn't have my passport with me at the store. so she calls over a couple of her colleagues over, and they have a conversation about me. so now i have three hawk eyed ladies staring me down and tell me that they will keep the card with them and have to call the authorities. i freak the fk out because i'm literally in a foreign country, alone, and was about to be arrested. to make matters worse, my friend i shared the ride with was just standing by, wondering if i was some kind of thief. thankfully she didn't snapchat the whole scenario. so i somehow manage to prevent my meltdown and tried to explain to the lady that i'm no thief. i call up my uncle and explain to him what's going on. i ask the lady that my uncle is on the phone, he owns the account the credit card is linked to but the lady doesn't want to talk to him. at that moment, i remember that i still have the traveller's debit card and can use that to pay and get the fk out of there. the fu with that was that card was chip enabled, pin protected and i couldn't, for the life of my remember the pin code because i basically hadn't used that card for the 5 weeks i was there. i start to panic even more. then somehow, manage to calm myself down again and make an international phone call to my dad, who's sleeping peacefully because it was 3am on a weekday back home. i explain to him what was going on and asked if he'd saved the pin code of the card. he looks for a while and thankfully found it, told me the pin code was 1234 and asked me to call back once i was back in the dorm. so by this time, i'm a 19 y/o guy, standing in the middle of staples, on the verge of crying. i approach the lady at the counter, who's colleagues had left by now, i tell her that i have another card i can use, so if she can just give me back my other card, i can use the other one to pay and leave. i guess she kind of pitied me at this point and said she'll use my uncle's card because she knew "how expensive those traveller's card were" and as long as "it didn't come back to her". she swiped the card, the payment went through, i grabbed my stuff and the card and gtfo'ed of there. save to say i never again visited that staples again, was super thankful that my friend didn't tell every living soul about happened, and never ever used any piece of plastic that didn't have my name on it ever again.

went on a summer program, as a international student, with a credit card that didn't have my name on it, tried to use it at staples, was denied and the "po-po" were almost called. almost cried, the counter lady used the card anyway and let me go.

using my uncle's credit card.

tifu when my boyfriend was sitting in his computer chair, we were goofing around a bit and i ended up sliding onto the ground. both of us are fully clothes, i thought it'd be sexy to nibble on his thighs while making my way to his crotch. he was sitting with his legs apart so his jeans were stretched across his crotch, i bit down on his pants, he didn't seem to notice it. i wanted to scare him so i chomped down on the same part. he slowly turns away from me in his chair laughing and holding his crotch. i'm laughing at this point too not realizing what i did. he tells me i just chomped down on his foreskin, it hurts really bad, but he can't stop laughing because he can't believe i just did that.

trying to be sexy by nibbling my boyfriend's thighs, accidentally chomped down on his foreskin.

accidentally chomping my boyfriend's foreskin

my girlfriend and i decided to go out on a date before school started and she chose to go roller skating at some roller rink. good choice, i was ready. we both arrived at around 11:50 (the place opened at 12:00) and talked for a few minutes before they let us in. i rented both of us skates and then we started to get our skates on. once we got our skates on we got into the rink and started to skate around as more people poured in. there were a couple camps full of 8 year olds that started to get the place packed but it didn't bother us. we were having a great time, listening to good music and talking. we stopped to eat lunch and then she told me about trying to do something she used to do when she was little. we got onto the rink again after eating lunch and she raced ahead of me and flew straight into the wall. she was fine because the state's breaks on them made contact with the wall and she stopped herself. we kept slamming into the wall and having people around us freak out but we were fine and laughing a ton. this is when the dj started to get a little more lively. he started hosting games and we played them until the last one called 'wipeout'. the rules of the game were simple, similar to musical chairs, music would play and everyone would skate around in a big circle. when the music stopped and the dj said 'wipeout' everyone sat down and started skating. last one to sit down gained a point for the team, first to three loses. girls vs boys a simple game. it started out a great game where everyone was having a good time. then, i yawned and couldn't hear anything for a few seconds. the dj said wipeout while i was yawning, and i had to figure out how to stop after going at such a high speed (you have to remember that i hadn't skated in at least 4 years and forgot how to use the stoppers on the skates). i smashed straight into my girlfriend's leg because she was sitting down. she let out a huge scream and i face planted on the other side of her. long story short an ambulance was called and now i'm sitting with her in her hospital.(this happened yesterday)

took my girlfriend out rollerskating and broke her leg playing a game.

breaking my girlfriend's leg

throwback to my college days my brother and i were roommates in college, we we're both athletes and we loved to eat. my brother loved eating cereal for every meal and went through about a box a day. he then loved to cut the front of the cereal box out and hang them above the stove... and of course we didn't think anything was wrong... well, i was making food one day and left the stove on because i was hungry and was meeting a friend next door after practice... i started to smell smoke about an hour later and the rest is predictable i lit the entire kitchen on fire and consequently burnt down just over half of the dorm... no one was hurt thankfully but a lot of people were less than thrilled with us. don't put cardboard above old stoves...

burning down my college dorm.

so i had job interview lined up for an entry level tech position (not my background but want to get into the industry; i have a background in writing) and got a gmail invite for the in-person interview. at this point i've already done a phone interview and a little test assignment which i feel i've knocked out of the park. gmail interview invitation says the interview is scheduled from 3-4 pm. awesome. great. sounds perfect. shine my shoes, get my jacket de-cat-haired, watch youtube video on how to tie a tie. ready to fucking rock. anyways, just after i get back from my psych-up jog i get a call from the interviewer at 11:10 saying, "hey, yeah, we had an interview set up for 11?" i'm totally confused. "hmm my email here says 3-4pm?" it's then i notice it 3-4 pm utc. my stomach is in ice water. "uhhh, i'll be in touch, let me call you back." look up utc. coordinated universal time. about 4 hours ahead of eastern standard time. fuck. yeah it was 11 then. call the guy back up, (who is the coo of the company i might add) and explain what happened. he's extremely understanding, says it's cool, email mark (who i did my phone interview with and who assigned me the in-person interview) and explain what happened. i did. it's 38 hours later and haven't heard anything. i'm in a new city. would really like this job in a new industry that isn't my background. i'm contemplating emailing him back tonight if i haven't heard anything and sending him the screenshot of the invite with the little gray utc behind the appointment time. i know this is totally my fault for not investigating what utc is, i accept that. but the invite is genuinely misleading. am i fucked? is utc fairly standardized in the business/tech world? am i just an idiot? thanks, strangers.

didn't notice job interview was scheduled in utc time - missed interview.

not knowing what coordinated universal time was - missed job interview

tifu my birthday. this happened yesterday but i am still recovering from the stress that plagued me on my "special" day. so to start it off i have been sick for the last week and a half with nausea and vomiting. i have been to the doctor like 4 times and each time they have not had conclusive results. so waking up on my birthday i already was not feeling well, and to top that off i woke up late for work. on my drive to work i reached over to find my puke bag and within a split second i rammed the car in front of me that i had not noticed was stopped at a green light. later on in the day i had an appointment with a gi tract specialist who recommended i get a colonoscopy. i am only 23 :( so between al of the doctor visits, a very expensive upcoming procedure that i should not need until i am in my forties, and an upcoming trip to germany later this month, i am broke and i had a shitty birthday. although on the bright side my girlfriend made me a nice dinner and got me some gummy bears so i cannot complain all that much.

tifu my birthday by crashing into a very nice and undeserving lady, being late to work and potentially having a gi tract issue that should not be happening in my 20's.

my birthday

i'm currently writing this before going into work so sorry for any typos or whatever. today for lunch i had some homemade spicy shrimp before i went into work. immediately after i had to pop a squat on the good old porcelain throne. while sitting and observing my kingdom, and browsing reddit i neglected to thoroughly wash my hands. while "finishing" i get up and go to wash my hands like i should have in the first place, and that's when it hits. i can feel the fires of a thousand suns emanating from my goodyhole with a searing white hot pain. out of instinct i strip down and jump into the shower and begin to scrub my self vigorously as if i was about to be quarantined after being exposed to a radioactive toxic butt hole mace. while in the shower i keep getting waves of fiery jalapeno like pain. my life began to flash before my eyes and i immediately began to regret every decision i made leading up to that point. after about 20 or so minutes of scrubbing my self raw and realizing that ether the pain was dwindling or i was just numb to it by now. i hopped out and began to get my self ready for work for the second time today when i looked into the mirror and realized my face was flush red and my eyes blood shot. not only did i manage to nuke my dark nether region into a ring of volcanic fire, but the pain was so bad at first you could clearly see it in my face. i splashed water on my face and put eye drops in and i looked a thousand times better. i finished getting ready for work and left the house. now i'm sitting in my car before work, butt hole tingling still and afraid to poop for fear i might have another episode of searing radioactive pain at the last place i want, work. here goes an interesting 8 hour shift trying to ignore the fact i seared my ass like a 12oz flank steak on a wood fire grill. update: pooped later on that day, every thing was fine until the tail end of it... literally. felt like i was pinching a jalapeno with my bare butt cheeks. walked around the rest of the day feeling like i was doing some sick frat initiation where you have to pinch a grape in your taint and walk across the room. except for me it felt like a ghost pepper hanging out there. it was like wiping a marker, i wipe and wipe, and wipe, and wipe... still poop, still tingling pain. by the time i got home it was gone, so that's a plus.

burned my butt hole after eating spicy shrimp and forgetting to thoroughly wash my hands.

eating spicy shrimp and setting my butt hole a blaze

(posted as a comment but someone told me i should make my own thread. also happened long long ago) i was at a girlfriends house when i was 16. this was the girl i lost my virginity to and us being teens we where testing the boundaries of what we could get away with (being as her mom was home). i never saw the tube of icy hot. nor the cream on her hands. i had come back in the room after grabbing a snack and my girlfriend nonchalantly sneaks her hands down my pants. the cold cream was different but she had a ton of lotions and thought nothing of it. after a minute or two of kissing and rubbing i start to feel a warming sensation. i pull back and there is this mischievous look in my girlfriends eyes. that when the burning starts. slow, but small runs of it started to streak out like fire. i broke for the bathroom like road runner in a wile coyote short. just me sprinting through a house, hands deep in my pants like i'm cradling a sack of coals. get in the bathroom and immediately slap my goods in the sink and get to hosing. in my frightful panic i had forgotten to shut the door. in between the splashing, fumbling, and whimpering i hear the distinct sound of someone putting down a recliner. eyes shooting down the hall to see in plain view the arm chair where her mother would watch tv still slightly rocking from someone's recent exit. i know she saw everything. if not, she at least heared me bellowing like a small girl as i try to wash what felt like greek fire from tip to taint. of course my girlfriend apologized. i told her that i thought her mom had seen me. but nothing was ever said. i'd like to believe it was due to the fact my girlfriend had dated a real run of bad guys. i was the first decent individual she had brought home. but it's more likely that what grown woman wants to ask her daughters 16 year old boyfriend why he was sanitizing his goods in her bathroom.

my first love thought icy hot would be a funny way to give a handy

trusting a 16 year old girl with my junk

so this happened yesterday. i was going down quite a steep off road hill, where i can easily reach 50-60 mph. i feel myself shifting around on my seat so i stand up at top speed so i can reset it. the way i was holding on to my handle bars and pedals allowed the bike to jump up and down without me myself moving a lot (a habit from road biking, allowing me to tilt my bike without me moving a lot). i did the mistake of doing this leaned forward and just hovering 2 inches off my seat (my seat post is quite high, it goes up to my lower abdomen). i hit a bump and my bike jumps up and hits me right in the balls. i couldn't bear the pain, so i end up falling, rolling about a hundred meters, covered in pricks and fire ants. i shamefully get up from in front of a few dozen people, hold on to my crotch with one hand, and take the bicycle home with the other. i am still afraid of that bike. i am not too injured except my swollen balls and a a few pricks.

tried going downhill on my bike, end up smashing my balls and crashing.

smashing my balls with a bicycle.

as per the trend in this sub, i will start by saying this actually happened a few years ago. i came in to the office to meet with some of my overnight team members who had been having a conflict. one of the team members, the one who was causing most of the problems, was being super mouthy and passive aggressive during the meeting. he kept making sideways comments any time someone else would tell their side of the story and contradicting not only them; but also, contradicting me when i would state the facts of the issue. it got to the point where we were no longer able to make any progress with the group so i excused everybody else and kept him back in my office. he ended up getting incredibly defensive and disrespectful so i termed him on the spot. since i came in at 10 pm to have this meeting and i just fired my overnight coverage, i then texted my fiancé to tell her i'd be working all night because i just fired a guy. "babe, i'm stuck here all night. i just had to fire this jerk and he was the only coverage i had. " unfortunately, it turns out i sent the text to the guy i had just fired and not my fiancé. awkward. so i got stuck covering his shift after working all day. it made for a long day / night. he proceeded to go on social media to describe his plight to the world as the poor victim who was unfairly fired for being the only person with the "guts to be honest." the next night i got a call from my boss who was in china on a sales trip. apparently the owner of the company got an email from this class act telling him how mean, incompetent, and unfair i was... and now my boss, who i legitimately respect and admire, is concerned that there's a problem in the department; so concerned, that he had to call me at 2 am local time in china. the story he got was that i fired the guy and then texted him to taunt him.

i texted the guy i just fired thinking it was my fiancé. he took that text and sent it to the owner of the company claiming i was taunting him.

texting the guy i just fired

this fu actually happened yesterday but i'm sitting in the repair shop waiting room right now, so it's possibly still ongoing. i was getting my vehicle ready for a vacation road trip and saw i had some new wiper blades that i had purchased a few months prior that i had never gotten around to installing. i removed the old blade, went to install the new blade when disaster stuck. the seemingly-stronger-then-necessary spring chose that moment to pull the bare metal arm into the windshield resulting in an impressive impact with 3 seven inch cracks expanding away from the impact point. one crack went vertically up the windshield while the other two travelled in opposite horizontal directions. so far this hasn't resulted in a delayed start to my vacation, but i'm not happy with the unexpected expense. i learned a lesson tho, in the future i'll definitely put something capable of absorbing an impact on my windshield when changing wiper blades.

cracked my windshield right before vacation-inconvenient timing and expense.

cracking my windshield while changing wiper blades.

now i know what you're thinking, huh... i've seen a similar title like this before. i'm sure this poor man sent an explicit object to an unsuspecting adolescent. on the contrary, it was i who was the victim. have you ever watched a movie or tv show wherein a female lead has trust issues because she was lied to or cheated on? before today i had thought such dramatic and intense feelings had no place in my strong beating heart. at least the dull ache of mistrust and disgust i received would “return to sender” unlike the package i sent… so now you're probably curious, “what could have the sender so upset and shouldn't he just be able to ask for it back?” or perhaps you're thinking it was a larger sum of money than he intended. both of those are plausible scenarios, but pale in comparison to the theft i was subjected to. now you might say, “theft? what? i thought he misguided a package and i’m not laughing yet.” confused? don’t worry my part as being the royally ignorant gentleman does come into fruition. it started as many forgettable days of lives do, normal. same morning bed, same house, and the same pre-back to school procrastination. this year etched a new mark on my chalkboard, as it does any other individual. college classes loomed near and the restriction of time began to slowly choke me of my available time. time is no slouch and relishes the sight of people turning purple with the strangulation of forgotten deadlines. “hmm, maybe i should making moving in more manageable this year and make money while doing it,” i thought. see where i’m going? if you’re still lost, don’t worry there is still help for you. somewhere else probably in a clinic, but still there if you need it. day two and i’ve become vice president of marketing, shot caller, i was doing what i set out to do and felt like both parties became happier with every transaction. “by this rate moving is going to be a breeze!” i thought. text message after text message, my phone was blowing up with potential buyers left and right. one of these messages pulls me back into reality and was actually quite touching. a distant father wanting to send his son a computer for his birthday. the item in question was actually quite sought after and received more attention than i had intended. here was mess up number one, i messaged the man thinking, “money is the same no matter whose it is, so why not help him even though he wasn’t even close to be one of the first to attempt for its possession through monetary means. i looked at my phone “so can you send it to his address? i’ll pay extra for one day shipping so it’s not late :) “ hindsight is truly 20/20. heck, side sight was even present and i was still stripped of any recompense. the father, let’s call him “will” created a very detailed and convincing email string from service@paypal.com these emails showed the amount he owed, the shipping cost, the address of the recipient, the name, and even a gif of a paypal ad. skepticism is healthy and if you are doubtful there is an auction payment system through paypal that requires the tracking number for a payment to verify, that would be correct. there most certainly is not a service of that sort. this form of email fraud was well planned. use a fake number to lure a seller and emotionally evoke them. once they are at least considering it give a fake name, address, email official looking paypal email, request one day shipping for your in need son, include shipping costs in email, and once the seller realizes the mistake the package is already far away from its original location. now if you're lucky your request to “return to sender” will be heard and not ignored like mine was since the first five minutes after that package had left my hand. this is not a free service and even with the money i was willing to spend in order for the package to return into the right hands, it was completely overlooked. think i was screwed yet? that isn’t even the most infuriating part. later that day i confronted the buyer praying all of these red flags were exaggerated coincidences. nope. the messages that followed left me in shock. i was now one of those idiots in the infamous stories of fraud. the predictable ones where you think why didn’t you trust your gut? probably something you’re thinking now. the last few messages he sent me were, “i got nobody in usa. they are all fake. fake name, fake address. i am all fake. i am here in nigeria. i have no business in usa.”

i felt bad for a father wanting to send his son a gift for his birthday and it turned i was dealing with a colossal case of fraud and was cheated of $360 worth of merchandise and shipping fees.

sending a birthday present to a "child"

about 2 weeks ago, i was driving my old 96 diesel dodge over some unpaved land when i suddenly began to notice my transmission was having trouble shifting gears. i got off and discovered that i had hit something and busted my quick connect off my transmission line. so i left my truck there and walked home. so fast forward to today, i finally got time to tap my transmission, put in about 15 qts of new fluid (not all at once, lost fluid every disconnect), and install a new after-market quick connector. well, this quickly becomes annoying because the transmission line kept popping off every time i put the truck into gear and spilling the new transmission fluid all over the place. then comes the rain. it starts pouring and all i want to do is get home. well after 4 attempts involving shifting, test driving and having the connector pop off all seems well - or so i thought. i begin my drive back home, when it happens. i lose power and get stuck. rrrrrrr! it happened again!!! at this point, i was just so pissed off at dodge and their quick connect system. so i hop off my truck and quickly pop the line back until it snaps in place. suddenly, i noticed the truck moving in reverse and my legs right next to the tire! i don't even know how, but i quickly roll under the truck and scrape the crap out of my left hand. meanwhile, my truck starts rolling backward with me under it. i take a moment to gasp what is going on, as i am drenched in transmission fluid and rain. oh crap, i forgot to put the truck back into park. i chase after my truck as it proceeds to go straight into a ditch. well, i managed to jump back into it as my bumper hits a valley. i quickly press the brakes. i use my winch to get my truck some traction. as i am pulling my truck out, i see that my bumper is bent, hitch is covered in with wires protruding outward, and my hitch pin connector cracked in two pieces in mud. well, at least i am up and running without any leaks. so i drive home take my clothes off and shower. well, here comes the kicker. i walk out the door with my mom and sister at the door holding baseball bats about to take a swing at me. apparently my hand left blood all over the door and the trail of atf-4 transmission fluid all over the place also looked very similar to blood so my family assumed i was being murdered.

i installed a new quick connector on a transmission line and forgot to put the truck in park. almost got run over by my own truck and got covered in transmission fluid and blood. made it back home and scared the crap out of my family because they thought i was getting murdered.

my family

for a twist, this actually happened today! it started when a wind storm came over my city , and my neighborhood was really noisy from the wind.i was busy cooking some steak and mushrooms, my father finishing his meal and my mother heading to work from the garage when we heard a huge crash. i immediately stopped cooking, ensured i shut off the stove, and hurried outside before my father to see if it was my mother , whom was starting to drive away. thankfully it wasn't her , but the wind got so rough, it actually blew over our pine tree , snapping it at the roots. my father and i head over to check the damage , it barely missing my car , missing a passing neighbor's car , and collapsing perfectly perpendicular across the road, thankfully not tall enough to hit anyone . i checked on my neighbor whom was passing, and he said he saw the tree tilting too far, then hit the brakes as it came down, missing him thankfully . immediately , another neighbor of mine (we can call him jeff) came over to see and make sure we are ok. my mom left as my father, jeff, and i began cutting up the tree to not block the road. jeff brought over a hacksaw of his and my father was using our dull chainsaw. i was busy kicking parts of the tree apart and carrying away all the cut branches so the big trunk would be manageable. jeff came over to help cut up branches as other neighbors came out to see what made the noise. jeff started cutting up the trunk with his saw near the top, about 18 inches down from the top as he asked us if he could have the wood for his fire pit. we said sure as we have no way to use it . my father was about 30 more inches further from jeff , working with the chain saw. (yes, this is important) i took over for jeff at one point so he can get a break, and we had an idea. let's cut right by the base of the tree where it meets the sidewalk, then simply push the free chunk of tree together so it's not in the road, then work from there. we start a new cut and the chainsaw cut initially , but was too thick to go deeper as the tree sagged a bit, closing the gap . jeff stuck his hacksaw in and worked away, then so did i for a while. the gap was the annoying part and my father said he'd like to try the chainsaw again. i had the "genius" idea of balancing on the end of the tree , hopefully having my weight bend the tree just enough for my dad to cut with the chainsaw. then we thought i could carefully bounce a bit to help split the tree, so i sure did. i used a chunk of remaining branch by the top to help me balance during this **jump, bounce, bounce** i went and you can hear little crack noises as it worked. carefully rebalanced myself, then **bounce bounce crack** again. my father yelled "it's working!" and i nodded. it was tiring but i kept going, then bounced as hard as i could. #snap the pine tree snapped completely! unfortunately, not at the split my dad was working at , but at the cut near the top. it somehow didn't occur to me that the previous cuts might've been an issue with my plan. it fell, so did i, and another nearby split branch with jagged edges caught my arm . unfortunately, i was gripping that initial branch like a stripper with a hundred dollar bill , so the jagged edge sliced right into my arm , having my full momentum to ensure i learned my lesson. i get up to the face of jeff asking if i'm ok, and i immediately get up and assure him i am , as the neighbors across the street, two doors down, and one more all stare at me if i am. i head off for a moment to "get a rake" and prevent myself from throwing up from shock. when i fell, the side of my ankle hit the solid wood, right on the bone as it twisted a bit but my arm felt fine. then i felt wetness , a combination of the starting rain and my arm bleeding. in the end, i recovered after a minute and we got the tree taken care of , and now i have to bandage my arm , just in time for my girlfriend's birthday tomorrow , who is really sad what happened to me, but is understandably disappointed i didn't use more common sense.

tree fell down in the front yard while i was cooking. while cutting it into manageable pieces to get it out of the road, i needed to bounce at the top to help split it. however , it snapped at a previous cut , and i fell, slicing my arm, hurting my ankle , and upsetting my girlfriend before her birthday because i'm an idiot. also, my steaks dried up.

jumping on a fallen tree in front of my neighbors

so three weeks ago, i moved to a new city after being offered my dream position at a company that i’ve been trying to get in with for a while. i’m a recently graduated engineer and after six months of looking i finally have a job where i’m using everything that i learned in college. and so far it’s been great. the people are super nice and friendly. the equipment i get to work with is state of the art. there is a cafeteria in the building open 24/7 with complementary coffee. hell, there is even a gym built into the building for employees only, and it’s a nice gym. what i’m trying to get at here is that i really like this job and now i’m not sure if i will have it for much longer. this happened thursday around 5pm right after i was leaving the gym at my work. it had been along day and i was ready to just get back to my apartment and relax but the second i tried to start my car and nothing happened, i knew i wasn’t getting back anytime soon. so i get out, and grab the jumper cables in my trunk and opened my hood. i have aaa road service, so i could call and get a jump from one of their agents but at best that takes 30 minutes and at rush hour it would probably take substantially longer. and 5pm is rush hour. however, since most people leave around this time and because everyone had been so nice, i decide that i was just going to wait for someone who had parked around me to come out and i could ask them for a jump. of course this is about the time that it started raining harder. i remembered that i had an umbrella in the car so i grabbed it and stood out in front of my car waiting for about 2 minutes until the rain transitioned from a drizzle to more of a shower. at this point i was starting to get pretty wet so i closed the hood of my car and got into it. this worked though because i was facing the entrance of my building so i could see if anyone was walking my way. a few more minutes went by and the rain began to lessen up. that’s when i noticed this this well dressed, middle-aged man walking towards me. i had seen this guy a few times in the hallway and he always smiled so i figured he would be as good a person to ask as any. i get out with my jumper cables in hand and proceed to introduce myself and ask if he would mind giving me a jump. the guys name was mike and as it turned out he drove the little black porsche parked next to me. he gladly offered to jump my car and we start to hook the cables up but he had to look through his manual to find out where they put the battery in his car. he had only just bought his car a few weeks back and i had recently traded in my old car for one with air conditioning around a month ago, so we talked about our new rides while i hooked up my end of the jumper cables. once i got them hooked up, i tried to turn the car on immediately but it didn’t start so mike suggested we just leave his car on and wait a few minutes to let my battery charge. so we talked for a little and another man, one of mike’s colleagues i’m assuming from the exchange, came over to see what was happening. that’s when it came up that he was working on this project that just so happened to be the project i was hired to assist in. i told them who my manager was and to my surprise not only did he know her, but he was the one they brought on to lead the project. it took me a second but it finally registered that the guy who was helping me out was my boss’s boss or maybe even my boss’s boss’s boss. so now i was like, oh shit i have to make a good impression. spoiler alert! i didn’t make a good impression. so after a few minutes of talking with my boss’s boss, aka mike, i decided to try and start my car again. now at this time our cars were about a foot apart and the hoods of both were up with the cars facing each other, while mike and mike’s colleague stood off to one side, supervising. so i go to get into my car, still slightly dumbfounded that my boss’s boss is nice enough to stop and jump start me, all in the rain no less. then without closing the door, i put my car in gear, pushed in the clutch and tried to start it. to my amazement it started, so it turned out that mike was right and all it needed was to charge a little. that’s when i let out the clutch and stalled my car. for the sake of people who don’t know about cars with a manual transitions, stalling is when you let out the clutch while there is still a gear engaged, and if your car is not moving it will shut off the engine rather violently. this usually causes the car to jump forward abruptly about a foot and a half to two feet which is exactly what happened. the car jumped forward abruptly and while i couldn’t see the other car because my hood was in the way, i felt it hit. but even then i was still a little in denial about what had just happened, all up until i looked over and saw mike face. the face that i had yet to see without a smile was now furrowed and worried. my first thought, “please, no.” immediately i threw the car in neutral and without turning it on again i grabbed the doorframe and pushed the car back about a foot. as i came around the front to see the aftermath, the first thing i noticed was mike’s worry slowly turning into horror as it began to register what the guy he was trying to help, had just done to his new car. i didn’t know what to do but apologize so i apologized profusely. the colleague remarked that it could have been much worse had someone been between the cars, so i guess that’s kind of a bright side, right? we inspected the car and mike used a towel to buff off most of the marks on the black plastic fender. it still looked like there could have been some damage so we agreed he should have it checked out and exchanged information. i continued to apologize until he left and offered to drive him if he needed to drop his car off to get fixed. as he drove away i thanked him one more time for his help. i still feel awful but i’m not really sure what else i could have done.

i asked a random guy in my work parking lot to help me jump my car after my battery died. the random guy turned out to be in charge of my entire department, my boss’s boss. after i got my car started, i stalled right into the fender of his new porsche. not the best way to meet your boss’s boss.

asking my boss’s boss for a jump start then drove into his new porsche.

the first time this happened was a few months ago when we first bought our house. the master bathroom was remodeled but the shower stall was the cheap kind and we wanted to switch to the marble shower pan. my wife asked her uncle to help change it since he does construction and all that remodeling stuff. so the following weekend they start the remodel and they're tearing down the part of the bathroom to install the new shower pan. they gave me a piece of the tile and told me to go get that same kind. we actually called the real estate agent who called the seller of our house to find out which store they got it from a few days before. so i head to that store with the piece of tile and show the lady there. she recognizes it and says oh i know that model.. this is the model. i quickly compared it and it looked like a match. brought it home and they start installing it.. only to find out it's not the exact model halfway through. he gets all upset and tell us it's the wrong one. in laws told me i had one job, and asks how did i fuck up. cue to two days ago. we are expanding our house and we need the same tile. i head to the same store with a big sample. i go in and show the lady the sample and told her i needed this piece that i got from here before. she told me she could check my invoice for the model and asks for my number. i provide her my number and she provided the model. i bought three stacks without even comparing, assumed they were the correct model i got the last time. the construction guys doing the expansion tore part of the bathroom down today and installed the wrong tiles without realizing it until they were done. so 1/5 of the tiles on the wall are the wrong ones. they told my mil n wife when they found out and they called me asking how the fuck did i fuck up for the second time when i brought in the exact sample. yup, in-laws and my wife are not happy. just got home from work and it's slightly awkward. they all must regret letting me marry their daughter ha ha hahha. edit: woke up this morning and the construction guys were removing the wrong tiles off the wall. they had a good laugh about it and helped to pack up the remaining stacks. rushed to tile store this morning since they opened at 8:30. got three more stacks of the correct model and dropped them off this morning. so no real delay, just an inconvenience and embarrassment. but all is good.

bought wrong tiles 6 months ago, bought the exact same wrong tiles again two days ago. in laws awestruck by my stupidity.

picking up the wrong bathroom tiles.. for the second time

so yesterday i posted this amazing gif on r/battlefield_one and i was getting so many upvotes and comments on it. everybody loved it. it was perfect. within a few hours it reached 4.2k upvotes. that's the highest i've ever gotten so i was thrilled. until i tried uploading another clip while using reddit on my phone. i ended up not liking the clip, and since i was uploading it using my laptop i thought: 'let me save a few seconds and just start working on the next one and delete this one from my phone'. so i did. so i thought. i checked again thinking maybe the clip wasn't deleted. to my surprise and utter frustration i just deleted my hot post and left the new one. ( i tried to google how to un-remove a post from reddit) tears were shed.

i'm an idiot that just deleted his highest ever rated post just because he was trying to multitask.

being an idiot who tried to juggle many tasks simultaneously.

dear reddit, today, i fucked up. previous side note - i first got an iphone maybe about 7 years ago. told siri to call me "danny", it decided to go with "daddy". never fixed it, immature me thought it was pretty funny. the fuck up. about a month ago i bought an apple watch. i've been using it to track my workouts- roughly - and wear it while i'm at the gym. the fucked up part, the easily accessible buttons that always seem to work ass backwards provide different functions. i'm going through my workout, and i decide it's time to move on to trx push ups. while doing push ups, my wrists will flex allowing the back of my hand to press towards my shoulder, naturally. this causes pressure to be placed on the buttons on the side of an apple watch. holding down the power button brings up a menu with 3 options - 1. power off 2. medical info 3. emergency services continuing to press this button will notify/alert emergency services and dial 9-1-1 and send an sos text to your emergency contact. for the second time in 3 weeks i've had the local police department show up at the gym i go to mid-workout looking for me. all due to a poor design while working out with a watch that's centered around being an activity tracker. this also happened on a saturday about 3 weeks prior to this incident. the first time i had cancelled the call, and dialed 9-1-1 to inform them i had dialed by mistake. officer showed up regardless about 10 minutes later. on top of that, this is the text it sent my mother: "emergency sos danny0wnz has made an emergency call from this approximate location. you are receiving this message because daddy has listed you as an emergency contact." mother calls me freaking out, and i have to explain to the wonderful staff at the counter that i'm an idiot, and of course apologize for wasting local leos time... also, if anybody knows of any settings or alterations i can make, i would greatly appreciate it. this feature really doesn't make the most sense to me and i would love to be able to disable it.

mid workout, my watch dialed 9-1-1 and an officer responded to the gym. twice.

dialing 9-1-1 at the gym...for the second time.

it happened moments ago. i was doing number 2 while watching videos on youtube (yes, youtube, i wasn't in the mood for ctrl shift n today) and thought it was a good idea to change my iphone's battery. first things first. my phone battery was dying and i thought about getting it replaced. but i'm the kind of guy who likes to fix stuff by his own. i got a new battery and tools from mercadolivre and they arrived earlier today, the tools were looking at me and almost calling me so i went to them. opened the phone, did the screen trick to avoid removing it and started to pull out apple's stupid adesive tape. here i fucked up. i couldn't pull the tape out as i remembered from ifixit and my uncle borrowed my laptop, so i couldn't watch the video. so i thought: i'm doing this the smart way and it failed. i'll do it the wrong way (the wrong way, if did correctly, also works). i will take the battery out with brute force. understand one thing, brute force works, because the tape isn't strong than an idiot, so it was actually safe to do. but the tape was stronger than my plastic tools, so a got an stainless steel tool: my switchblade. i did a fuck. it felt like it was working. and was easy... fire. disappears. almost shit on pants. look under the battery. i wasn't taking the battery out. i was tooking the lithium ion cell out of the black protective case '-' genius. continued trying to remove it from the board with plastic tools. nothing. so i had another gread idea. at this time i was shaking a lot. could barely hold the tools. the battery had released like 4 flames at this point but if i stayed still my whole phone could get in fire. i used the switchblade to separate the glued black case part from the rest by cutting it in the side like if it was a piece of meat. okay. calmed down, clock bomb removed and now the easy part. put the new battery in place, sticked it to the phone with double sided tape and closed it. the tape was too weak, i can feel the battery shaking inside the phone. the battery life isn't the greatest. this post took 17% of it. i destroyes the old one and now i know i should get my laptop back or buy a hairdryer, it can weak the adesive.

tifu by open my iphone battery with a switchblade while trying to replace it, and the new one looks pretty much the same as the old one

trying to replace my iphone's battery alone, at 11:00 pm, using a goddamm switchblade

so, this literally happened two minutes ago. i'm currently drunk weeping while in my friends bathroom writing this. my best friends family has been setting up a surprise party for months for my friends mom (she's turning 50). i had plans to go to a beach house on the weekend so i felt obliged to ask when the party ran until on said saturday. me and my friend just walked in his house after going bowling for the night and i was trying to act normal (not drunk) so i decided to strike up a conversation with his parents. my literal first line was "hey ***, when's your surprise party saturday?", directly to to his mother i have never felt more ashamed in my life. i turned around and walked towards the door and started talking about a party this weekend at the beach house and invited her down. as i was writing this we walked outside my friend was talking to his dad, and the only thing he said to my friend was "we'll talk about it later". well, this was the most painful experience to my life so far.

drunk, tried to have conversation with my best friends parents, accidentally ruined her surprise 50th party.

ruining my best friends mothers surprise party

what would you do for a klondike bar? here's what i did for it : today i was late to work and didn't have any breakfast so i went into my garage fridge and grabbed an original flavored klondike bar for the road. i started driving and whilst doing that i decided to unwrap the tasty ice cream treat. i took both hands off the wheel in a slow 25 mph zone and tried to open the wrapper (it's one of those newer ones so it's really hard). i accidentally drop it and it lands behind my brake pedal. not wanting to break the klondike bar i decide to reach down for it but as that happens a deer runs across the road and i slam on the brake pedal which does me no good and i hit the deer with my car. i get out and see the car good pushed up and the grill and car emblem are shattered. i go back to the drivers side to get my phone and see the worst thing imaginable. the klondike bar was smashed by the brake pedal. that klondike bar cost me $2500 in car damages.

my klondike bar slid behind my brake pedal and i reached for it and crashed into a deer. the klondike bar was crushed and so was my car.

a klondike bar cost me $2500

so this by far has been the weirdest and worst wardrobe malfunction i have ever experienced. i, like many people, work in a small cubicle farm. there are few things i look forward to each day outside of lunch and leaving. my daily constitutional is one of those things. everyday, at approximately 9am, i make my way to my appointment. it's quiet, it's private, and it gives me a few moments of respite from an otherwise taxing day. today was no different. i arrived on schedule and found the room to be empty. my throne was bare, awaiting me. i usually take this time to reflect on the morning and maybe distract myself with a game. today's game was dots. a game that does not require two hands to play. i had finished making my deposit and was jut sitting there, mostly giving myself an opportunity to finish level 334. i have no reason and no excuse to play this game anymore, but for some reason, i persist. suddenly, i felt it. in a half of a second, i realized i had a tremendous sneeze coming on. i had just enough time to think, "man, i should really take one of my hands off this phone, just in case...". instead i froze, paralyzed to do anything but accept whatever fate may bring. i sneezed. i sneezed ferociously. with both of my hands occupied and/or confused, i had no ability no to restrain my dangling wang. needless to say, the force of the sneeze ejected at least an ounce, possibly two, of previously unrelieved urine. at first, i noticed a little more than a dribble on the floor, just behind the heel of my shoe. then, i noticed a minor piddle seeping into my pants, from the half dollar sized puddle just above my back left pants pocket. i got my belt too. oh and i'm assuming the initial force and trajectory helped get the first 7 or so drops over the back of my pants, making a direct hit on the crotch of pants, to the left and below the zipper. to add insult to injury, i moistened approximately 4 inches of waistband on my boxers as well. i wore white, light weight khakis today. i did my best to dry them off, but there was only some much i could do. i trudged back to my desk, through the cubicle minefield, avoiding eye contact and conversation with my coworkers, as if they were medusa herself. i sat in those same pee pants until my lunch break. i'm not sure if anyone else could smell me, but i know i could smell me. and i did not appreciate me. not one bit. i went home on my lunch break and changed into a remarkably similar pair of pants. not one person said a word to me. but deep down, i know they knew. i'm just scared exactly how much it is, they know. to answer your question, no,peeing your pants doesn't make you cool. the bus driver from billy madison had it all wrong. she had nothing on miles davis and neither do i. long time lurker, finally had something worth sharing, hope you enjoyed.

peeing my pants at work (nsfw)

i'm currently working for an older woman, painting the cabinetry in her kitchen. for the base coat i've been using a super high-tack paint so it'll stick. well today i was painting up high on the ladder with the paint bucket resting on the top of the ladder. when i got down and went to move the ladder, i forgot to move the paint first and the full bucket fell from the top of the ladder. not only did it splatter all over the floor, it also hit the couch, the walls, other furniture, and lastly, my boss's little dog. he was so startled and he ran all over the house bringing paint with him to the expensive rugs and couches that my boss has collected. needless to say, the rest of the day was spent scraping high-tack paint from every surface in the kitchen and bathing the dog. proof: http://imgur.com/a/eqm1c

spilled paint everywhere, including on a doggy, when i moved the ladder where i so stupidly left the paint.

forgetting about gravity and painting my boss's dog.

**full story** so i'm going away with some mates for an end of school trip and i thought it would be a good idea to buy myself a skateboard. when i was younger (9-12) i was a skateboard fanatic. always skating, learning new tricks. the whole lot pretty much so even though i haven't skated in ages i'm pretty confident. the first day i buy the skateboard i take it out for a test ride and it runs well, i'm a bit rusty but hey, i can get back into this right? i end up over estimating my ability and go to jump off a staircase. first few times i don't land it but i keep trying. on the fourth or so attempt i land it but a second later come off the board, landing on my wrist. the pain was a lot haha. i thought i just sprained it but i'm having doubts now as i can't move the wrist without excruciating pain. now this is bad because i need the wrist to do everything i love all from playing video games to playing my guitar. now i'm going to be going to my friends 18th for dinner and at a club whilst in a sling. poof. [proof](https://imgur.com/gallery/0q14b)

went skateboarding for first time in 5 years or so, jumped off a staircase. fucked my arm

breaking my arm skateboarding for the first time in 5 years

this is actually one of the rare ones that happened today. so before you call me a moron let me explain i'll start from the beginning me and my friend were on our way back from getting my car washed after someone had dumped condiments on it. as we were pulling into a parking spot i saw the the police officer had parked his car in the wrong spot. i had a few parking notices from him in my car and thought it would be funny if i put one on his car. so i grabbed a ticket that was already filled out and put it on his car then went inside and went to my class. well about an hour goes by and i get pulled into the office, i've been pulled into the office before for missing class a few times and this time i was taken into a different room which worried me because i only ever saw really bad kids go into this room. i take a seat and the tell me the admin will be in to talk to me in a minute. at this point i'm not starting to feel something weird is going on but wasn't really connecting the dots. then the admin tells me he's gonna give me 20 min to think about what i did and the path i'm going to take. then he comes in with the security guard and puts the ticket on the table. i was wondering why all this fuss over a little ticket because i've done this once before and we all laughed about it. then they told me what was written on the ticket. this particular ticket was put on my car a few weeks earlier by another student and what was written on it was you're a cuck. i hadn't realized that was the one i grabbed and felt bad for putting that on his car, i thought i grabbed one of the official tickets not the stupid one. this immediately made me feel horrible. it gets better, then they said that they could turn this into the police as a death threat. at this point i'm thinking "over a silly little note?" then they told me it said "die idiot" on the top and that's a death threat. let me tell you my heart sank, not because i thought i was in deep shit but because i felt horrible for saying something like that to the guard i knew he was a good guy and he didn't deserve that and i would never say something like that to anyone. anyways they proceeded to bring a police officer in and called my parents. i was freaking out because now i realized the weight of the situation. my parents arrive and they discuss my punishment. i was given the rest of the day off as an out of school suspension, and tomorrow i go to in school intervention, and my parking pass taken for a week. my car taken for a 2 and not allowed to go anywhere but for work or school for a week. now let me tell you that's still not the best part. i'm a senior and 3 months away from 18 and they wanted to give me expulsion and take it to court. the only reason they didn't is i have a clean record, not even a detention and good grades. edit: to clarify, the car wasn't a police car it was his personal car. and i did not get sent to court, they only threatened to.

pulled a prank on the school cop and it turned out to be a death threat. almost had to repeat senior year and almost got a criminal record.

putting a death threat on school police officers car

so recently my dad was hospitalised, and he came back with a diagnosis of diabetes. for some reason, he went out and bought this massive 32-pack of diet pepsi, even though he’s not a soda drinker. he took one can, decided he hated it and the whole pack went untouched for a week. that night, i was tired and really stressed out, and i just wanted a soda. i hate diet soda though, so when i found that was the only soda in the house, my tired brain came up with a solution of sorts. i took a can of diet pepsi and put a spoon of sugar in it, hoping that would somehow turn it into normal pepsi. it didn’t work; instead, it started fizzing and bubbling over like the world’s tamest mentos reaction. i was panicking because it was spilling on the floor and if just realized how stupid an idea that was, and i didn’t want anyone to walk in and find me cleaning it up. it got all over the counter, down the cupboards, onto the floor, and even when i cleaned it up it all felt a little sticky the next day. i thought i’d gotten away with it, but i had to admit it and help clean up properly. my dad had a good laugh at me. to this day, there is still a mostly full 32 pack of diet soda in the pantry.

tried to make pepsi out of diet pepsi with sugar and it failed spectacularly.

trying to make pepsi

just got back from a short but very awkward, disappointing, and extremely embarrassing meeting with what was going to be my trainer for one of the biggest insurance companies in the world. i was so looking forward to helping families with their finances and was more excited to make a lot of money at the same time. i can finally get out of this dinky apartment and live a life i wanted all these years. i gave him the incomplete questionnaire and he turns it over only to see blank. i was asked to leave immediately. this should not have happened. i know i have a good head on my shoulders, never committed a crime, i'm inspired to work hard, and i'm willing to lay down all of my time to work at a company i want to work for. only to be shot down for this stupid, stupid, mistake... i'm disappointed in myself and i should be. well... i'm back to the drawing board. i hit a wall but i gotta keep building momentum for the next opportunity i get. this... won't happen again. ' i forgot to finish the backside of my work assignment and did not get hired. edit: holy moly this post blew up!!!!! thanks guys for your support!

forgetting to finish the back side of a questionnaire and losing what could've been my life long job.

i had just finished building my friend's pc and it was looking great. i realized at the end that i forgot to add the psu, i was tired so so sue me. i asked him where it was and he had no idea what i was on about. i dashed home and grabbed a spare one from my stash. this psu i grabbed was the wrong one, it was some shifty metal box with a giant maw of a fan on top. i plugged it in and we turned it on, it worked great for a while then i smelled the smell, the smell of burning. my friend leapt out of his seat like a rocket and sprinted to the bathroom. turns out the accidentally grabbed psu set his trousers on fire because i forgot to put the cover on the case.

gave my friend a cheap psu, didn't put the pc case cover on and set fire to his legs.

setting fire to my friend

mobile, sorry. obligatory "happened the other day, yada yada". i was with some of the guys drinking at a friend's house, whom we will call andy. i fancy my self a bit of an amateur chef and had brought over the makings of some burgers (goat cheese, pine nuts, caramelized onion, minced tomato, ground pork & beef, seasonings... etc) and also grilled some wings with my special sauce(no ingredient list for you). well my food was a hit. both in the everyone loved it sense but also a hit to my english friend andy's ego as "everyone" encompassed his family and just a couple of his friends. there we are with his kids destroying anything i can bring from the grill to the house, all whilst his charred little burger bricketts sat lonely on a plate. this where i fuck up and i didn't even know it at the time. andy, aka amateur chef #2, starts spouting off about a cook off. "oi! look 'ere mate. can't be fohkin' taken the piss out me on the grill. cook off! 'alloween weekend. grill on grill boyo, what'ya say?". never one to pass an opportunity to prove to another human i can best them at something i enjoy i say, " yes. i would love to hear your children tell you i'm better on the grill. game on." (we have a very love/hate shit talking friendship.) fast forward to a few days ago. i'm told by andy that his boss (owner of his company, same company my brother and 99% of my friends work at, same company in the midst of making me a job offer) wants in on the fun. he proceeds to tell us that the cook off is now moved to the office/shop and that himself and another gentleman are bringing smokers. owner will be smoking a whole pig. i don't even know what the other guy is making. sounds fun huh? wrong! i was just told that last thursday a company wide email went out and now we can expect easily 40-60 people to feed. i of course want to get my job offer so i'm gritting my teeth about to spend $200-$300 so everyone can get some wings and deviled eggs. either that or loose an opportunity to impress ownership. tl;dr: challenged to a cook off, but judges panel grows costing my wallet hundreds and a lot more prep time.

see bottom you lazy things.

challenging a friend to a cook off

so as a backstory, for the past few days my mom has been obsessing over this new cat that she is getting. i mean properly obsessing, like every minute talking about this cat. we even went to go see it yesterday. fast forward to today. my local radio station for the past few weeks has been running a competition where you send in an sms, and if you're lucky you get a call from them to take part in the competition on air. the competition is called perfect pairs, and what happens is they call out a word and then you have to reply with something that is a pair to it. if you get more than the other person on the line, you win r5000 (around $500 - a huge deal for broke student me) i had been listening to it all week, and finally i got the call to be on air! now i've literally never won any type of raffle or draw in my life, so i was pretty excited. so i go on air, and they start calling out words, and i'm doing pretty well. until they say dog. and my obsessed brain calls out "cat!" because my cat and dog love each other. i hear the buzzer go off, and my r5000 go down the drain. needless to say i'm pretty pissed off at myself. especially because the other person only beat me by 1.

i thought cats matched with dogs, lost a lot of money (for me)

thinking that cats and dogs are friends

happened a couple of hours ago. i’ve been playing this game i stumbled across recently. you know the ones, free, highly addictive, but jam packed full of advertising. anyhows, i thought i was an absolute champion when i scored 34 earlier today. the first thing i thought of was boasting to my boy when he came home from pre school since he likes the game too. i was all in his face like “i’m the game king”. i figured my 5 year old had no chance of beating my score as the highest i’d seen him get was a measly 21 - and he fluked it, so i told him i’d give him $100 (australian) if he could beat my score. never underestimate the power of a huge financial incentive. i heard uncontrollable laughter about 15 minutes later. sure enough the little guy had cracked my high score. 38. parents of reddit will understand you can’t go back on your word with children. his piggy bank just got $100 fatter and i’ve had to put up with “i’m pretty good aren’t i dad?!” :) edit: understandably my original post was removed by mod. made some small changes so it didn’t appear that i was an advertising genius.

got cocky, told my boy i’d give him a $100 if he beat my high score. he did. never underestimate children and the power of a financial incentive.

having to give my 5yo son $100 for beating my high score.

so this actually happened today; working on a bathroom remodel and needed to increase the hole cutout for the fan. i used a spare piece of drywall to mark the cuts i needed to make and then began cutting with a utility knife. things were going good, got one side done. after working on the other side i hit a hard part and tried to force the utility knife through...ended up pushing forward to much and it ended up catching my other hand which was positioned badly. it sliced through part of my middle finger and the leather gloves i was wearing. i got lucky and there wasn't tendon damage and only cut through 1/4" or so. the next part i didn't fu (or at least i tell myself to feel better): after i cut my finger, i went into shock, ripped off my gloves, eye and breathing filter, quickly ran to find a towel and tried to slow the bleeding down. blood drops were all over - luckily i had a lot drop cloths on some of the carpet. debated between calling 911 or my wife as i rushed to the neighbors in case i past out. ended up calling my wife and telling her i hurt myself and need her to come right over (she was 10 minutes away). wife came and took me to urgent care; we got in right before they closed. since it kept bleeding the dr. put a rubber tourniquet on my finger to stop the bleeding and after numbing it gave me 6 stitches. at this point i felt great, i'll have stitches for 10 days - can't bend my finger and have some antibiotics to take. my wife is still distressed and thinking i shouldn't ever be allowed to do home projects again (but that won't stop me). til: there are cut resistant gloves that help prevent things like this. i'll likely buy a couple of pairs but that won't replace me trying to be safer and just using my oscillating tool even if it does create more dust.

badly cut my finger trying to cut a large hole in a drywall ceiling. went to urgent care and got 6 stitches. lucky that i was wearing leather gloves that likely prevented the cut from being worse.

trying to cut ceiling drywall with a utility knife

saturday, i was at work at the local renfaire, doing my thing selling swords. nothing exceptional in this day, start of the faire, nice weather, etc... i was talking with a customer across the counter from me, me standing up, feet crossed, left foot flat and right foot toes down. i had laced up my boots that morning, and had left a loop of lacing out of my boots. hadn't given it a second thought. i started turning around to my right to go grab a sword off the wall that the customer might be interested in. my right foot followed my body in the turn, and the loop caught on the buttons on my left boot. being such a large loop, it gave my foot enough space to be completely unusable as i feel myself start to fall down. my hands go out in a vain effort to stop my fall, and my right hand hits the back wall of the shop, and starts dragging. i continue the fall, with my right hand raking across not one, but two sabers on the way down. i hit the floor, and pull my hand in to my chest, watching the blood start to run and drip out of my fist. i stuff the rag that was in my left hand into my injured hand, close my fingers on it, and make my way to the medical building. good news, they say is that we got the bleeding stopped, on site. bad news, they say is that i need stitches, and they don't do stitches there. off to the hospital i go. 3 hours, and 25 stitches later (13 on pinky, 3 on ring, 9 on palm) i am back on site finishing off the day. sunday, i am awarded a purple crown by the faire's princess for "injury during gallant service to the faire"

selling swords at a ren faire, tripped, and literally fell on my sword(s).

falling on my sword

for the past month i have been actively searching for a new job. i am still holding a job, but have been discretely submitting applications to postings on indeed, career builder, etc. if a job posting comes up that is similar to my title and experience, i shoot my resume and cover letter over after taking a quick look at the job description. today i fucked up by not paying attention to who the company was with before applying. i submitted my resume like i always do. surprisingly, i got a response from this specific posting quicker than usual. in the text it said simply "i don't think you meant to apply here..." the reply was signed by a familiar name, but i didn't put two and two together until my boss called me in the next day and had me shut the door. turns out the position i had applied for was with a company that was co-owned by her husband, which explained why the name looked familiar (she had kept her maiden name, so it wasn't as obvious when i first saw his signature). she had been alerted to my application by her husband and demanded an explanation. i tried to bullshit my way through an excuse, but for obvious reasons it didn't stick. i ended up being given the option to stay on two more weeks to train my replacement, or pack up my things today. i guess i should be thankful for even having that option offered, but it still leaves me in a tight spot to find a new job while still supporting my family.

submitted my application to a company owned by the husband of my current boss and lost my job.

blindly submitting my resume to a job posting

so, this did actually happen today, but it's an accumulation of two months of dumbassery which is the core of my fuck up. pardon and spelling mistakes/formatting/ect, i'm high as a kite on codeine and percocet rn. so, i have fibromyalgia, which for those unfamiliar, is like chronic fatigue syndrome and chronic pain had a kid named chad. fucking douchebag, fuck you chad. anyway, i'm in lot of pain *most* days, including jaw pain, so when my jaw starting acting up i chalked it up fibro like i do most other random pains i feel and was stricter with brushing/flossing. **mistake #1.** so it's been a two or three months that i have had this little ache in my jaw. now, i've had to stop working in the last year because of said fibromyalgia. so when my dentist called this year, because i'm waiting to get on disability i shrugged it off because i have pretty high medical bills already, no damn coverage, and little savings. **mistake #2** so queue today. i come home from my morning walk, i have a little piece of burger stuck in my back molar so i go to floss it out. as so as the floss hit my tooth i went from a 0 on the pain scale to "i'm sweating and about to puke". now i'm no bitch to pain, i'm in it most days, but hoooooolllllyy fuck, this came out of no where. now i'm bending over on the bathroom floor, heart rate spiked basically freaking out like the human animal i am. i continue getting the food out, cause i figure that was causing the pain (**i'm a stubborn idiot**), nope, now the pain is worse. okay, listerine, that should help my sorry ass right? so back goes a chug and then like that, the coldness combined with the alcohol was apparently enough to light a fire underneath the other teeth on the left side of my jaw. i'm sweating, i can't think at this point, my only thought is "pain". so, since my partner is home in an hour i figure i'll take a 30mg codeine tablet, put some benzocaine on my teeth, and have a cold shower - that should help, right? jokes!. i've fractured my rib cage, had innumerable injuries from sports and skateboarding and never felt anything like this. i managed to get a text to my girlfriend telling her of the situation before she came home to find me on the ground either passed out or trying not to scream in pain. so i get to the dentist, he sits me down, says "so, it's your left molar i presume". at this point it flashes on me that last time we spoke he said he wanted to monitor this tooth, but the appointment was during a busy day and i somehow forgot all about it **fuck up #3**. so we sit down, he looks, does the x-ray. i have a fucking abscess, a cavity, and currently it's infected. my options: have it yanked or a fucking root canal. if i had gone in when this started, this would not be the case, he said it probably would have just been a filling. fuck me, right? sigh, at least the percocets are kind of working. so reddit, this is my first tifu, how'd i do?

i'm a dumbass, full stop. i didn't listen to my body, now what would have been a routine cavity situation turned into a fucking root canal/yank the entire tooth situation. bright side, i can't feel a fucking thing right now.**

not going to the dentist.

so i run a few websites and recently moved them onto aws (amazon's cool web services). i'm re-writing a part of the site that serves all the pictures and videos, i was attempting to move from my old standard system to amazon's cloudfront and s3 services (better faster stronger) i re-used a class i had that resizes the images (with a cool new watermark) and puts them on s3. now what i didn't realize is that in that class was 1 simple line of code that was meant for later on when i was **actually using their services**, that invalidates or "clears from their memory". the "fu" was that this was called for every single image and video on the site ~440k x each of their respective sizes 5. so i made a call to their system over 2.2 million times over the 3 days it was running! now, aws charges for this particular call to the tune of $0.005 per call. so when i logged in to check my billing history and it popped up with a bill of **$13,500** (usually ~$750 by this point of the month). i shut down everything, deactivated all my cloudfront services, setup billing alerts and then had a heart attack. i've submitted a ticket and they've been very nice and submitted a request for a credit (which will need to be approved by commitee), but there goes my kids college fund if it doesn't get approved.

; ran a loop that called amazon's web services 2.2 million times at $0.005 per call = 11k+ charge on my account

as a web developer to the tune of $11,500 out of my pocket.

so today, at least in my state, was the last day of high school for me. but yesterday, i had been working on an experiment in the main hallway, that involved attaching clips to the walls. (physics experiment). but, as you know, when it's the last day of school, literally everybody is like sprinting full breakneck speed down the hallway to get to their bus and get out of school. so, the second the bell rings everybody's out of the door and sprinting to the hallway, but some kids had the awful misfortune of wearing pants with the belt holes in their pants, and three or four kids ended up getting caught in these open clips, which set the whole hallway off like a bunch of dominos, and i realized to my horror that i had just knocked down a hundred kids thanks to clips in a wall.

attached clips to a wall, kids got caught, domino chain reaction

accidentally hooking on to multiple kids pants with hooks attached to a wall

tifu- today, like many days before it, i was playing fetch with my dog. she was ecstatic, as usual. her whole body was wriggling like a furry dolphin as she leapt across the living room to retrieve her braided rope. as i tossed the rope, i had my laptop balanced on my knees, searching for a job that would pay for more toys for my dog (and my food, but you can see my priorities.) as she returned with her prize, head held high, i became distracted by a new craigslist posting, taking my eyes off of the dog. she didn't appreciate that very much. with a sigh, she pawed at my leg, trying to catch my attention, but i remained distracted. finally, her impatience outgrew her training, and she leapt onto my lap like a flying squirrel. unfortunately, she weighs almost 60 pounds, and is less squirrel and more clumsy lioness. there was room on my lap for only one, and in her mind, my laptop was stealing her claim to the iron throne. with the bat of an enormous paw, my laptop went flying, spinning across the room accompanied by a soundtrack of my horrified shouts. my dog, now perched on my lap like an enormous hat-box, stood silently, staring at the carnage she had created. my twisted face relaxed into relief, as i saw my laptop alight peacefully on my nearby couch in a surprising but heartening turn of fate. it was only then that i realized that my dog's behind was conveniently resting inches from my face. i no longer ignore my dog.

ignored dog while playing fetch. dog enacted revenge by punting my laptop across the room. laptop landed on couch, safe. dog stuck ass in my face. all in all better outcome than expected.

multitasking and having a dog

this happened about 7 months ago. i was playing my guitar at an acoustic gig at the local cafe. so while a lot of people use guitar picks, i prefer to use my hands because i like the feel of it and i feel more comfortable with it. i had been growing my nails for a while so it was fine with me. while i was performing a song with a fast strumming pattern (wake me up - avicii), my lower e string got stuck in my nail making a weird noise and i felt a sharp pain in my index finger. i instantly stopped playing and bent down grabbing my hand. when i looked at my hand i saw that the nail on my index finger was torn like paper and was pulled halfway back. i let out a scream and one of the "cue guys" came to my aid. i could hear people whispering stuff like "oh my god that looks horrible" and stuff. it hurt like a bitch and i went offstage for about twenty minutes. the pain was coming and going as the nail was moving. i asked them to put a rough dressing over it, some cotton and betadine. i asked for a pick and finished the song, horribly so. my mates took me to the er and the doctor numbed my finger and pulled the nail straight out, felt a little pain still. had a bulb shaped dressing on my finger for about 5 weeks. [ edit: for everyone asking for evidence, i managed to dig this up from my old phone, it's shaky/blurry because it was taken while i was in the er lobby thingy going to get looked at. http://imgur.com/a/w4hx2 i can't believe i just spent the last twenty minutes trying to find a picture to post on the internet to convince strangers that my story is real.

] didn't use a pick to play the guitar, nail got stuck in a string and got shredded, had a bulb shaped dressing on my finger for a month.

not using a guitar pick.

this fuck up happened about 1 year ago, it was a hot and sunny day so i decided to go out and meet a group of friend in a field to smoke some of that good stuff. we had been there for about 1 hour when i decided it would be a fantastic idea to pick some grass and try and construct a giant grass mound, i had picked a grass pile about 1 foot high when i spotted what looked like an excellent tuft of long grass to add to my collection. this is when i fucked up. i moved over to the tuft and begun to pick the grass, it was going very well until i jammed my hand down into the tuft to grab a large handful and felt a sharp sting on my thumb, i thought i had been stung by an insect but as i drew my hand out of the tuft to my horror i saw a 1 inch piece of hard dead grass jammed under my thumb nail. this stung really badly i immediately stood up and gripped my thumb exclaiming that i had just jammed grass under my thumb nail(friends where in shock as to what i had just done) i rushed home and attempted to remove the grass with a pair of tweezers only to push it in further. fast forward 3 days and i am in the hospital with an infected nail bed in agonising pain as the nurses are attempting to remove the splinter, eventually a doctor (i think he was sick of me making noise) came in and removed my nail in 2 clean motions which were swift but very painful. i have had some painful things done to me in the name of health at hospitals before but this was something else the pain was monumental. after the nail was removed it was washed and bandaged up. i spent the next month with a giant bandage of my very sore thumb, unable to complete simple household tasks. i will never pick grass again.

innocently picked grass only to have a piece take revenge and incapacitate me with pain for a month, don't pick grass kids.

picking grass

sooooooo... where do i begin? i live in canada, we get ice and snow for about 1/3 of the year. now this story is from a little while ago (last march) when the lake was almost clear of ice. i was with a couple of buddies of mine, drinking and fooling around (a terrible combo), when one of them bet myself and my other buddy (lets call him dave) to jump in the lake. i agreed, dave did not. not wanting to look like a wuss, i stripped down to my underwear, and ran for the dock. well, i leaped as soon as i reached the edge, hit the ice, broke through and then sunk below the ice. oh yeah, i forgot, ice is quite solid, and i got a massive cut on my thigh but could not feel it until i got out. so, my stupid ass is under the water, i swim under the dock and break through the ice on the beach i ran for the house at mach speed, the cold having shrunk some... appendages, and as i reached the house, i realized i had this massive cut. in the end, dave had to drive me to the er and i got 8 stitches and was treated for minor shock and mild hypothermia because i didn't want to look like a pussy. *edit* eyyyy! thanks for taking me to the top of tifu!

: was a drunk jack ass, received a bet from a friend, jumped in lake filled with ice, got cut, mild hypothermia and mild shock.

jumping in the lake

the story goes as follows, i was travelling with 2 friends to jordan to attend my best friends wedding. applied & received my visa from the embassy and got it after a short hassle and putting a deposit of 5000$ as a gurantee cheque. i land at the airport everything seesm to be going good. we reached passport control, this officer stares me up and asks for the passport so i give it to him. he takes a look around for my visa, he says it is not there, so i ask him to go around to the end where it is clearly stamped and ask him if he needs my help. he shouts at me and tell me "i know my damn job, stand aside!! next person", he then proceeds to take my friends passport whom has the similar situation and just lets him pass through passport control. standing aside waiting for him to explain the issue, he ignores me for 20 mins then asks me to go back and have a seat and that my name will be called. so i go back have a seat, pissed at the situation since all my documents were clearly authentic and legit. during this time, both my frinds have already gotten beyond that point and were to clain our buggages, and i stay waiting there for around 2.5 hours, doing nothing but screaming over the phone at my friends for this shit treatment i was getting for being in their country for the first time. they in return kept sending me international minutes to maintain the phone call in calming me down. they asked me to not create any issues since secret services are entittled to do whatever they please in order to maintain order and security in their country. they demanded that i keep my voice down and not argue with them or else they could lock me up and torture me behind closed doors or even at the spot. finally, after 3 hours of waiting at the airport, i hear someone calls for my name, i walk across to the officer calling, i ask him, "did you call for my name?", he goes like "wait, you are mowilliams0?". okay as a side note to the story, i dont look like am old enough but i am a baby-faced guy. so back to the story. i tell him "yeah, what happened?". the officer then gives me a small piece of paper probably cut from an a4 using a ruler, with my name, airport name, location and date of reporting to the secret service headquarters the next thursday. now having a very tight schedule, since am travelling on short break from work, all my days were sceduled and timed perfectly as to not waste any time at that country (which am visiting for the first time). i remembered that on the next thursday i am going to be sleeping more than 6 hours away from the city which i was supposed to report to and i wouldn't be back before saturday. so i ask the officer to resechdule my appointment with the secret services which to i got a stare down and told me to attend on time and left. i then run after him, asking for my passport which was held with them. he told me " you will take it from our hq on thursday when you come"; so i ask him how am i supposed to leave this airport through passport control without an actual passport. he tells me to just walk through. so i do as he told me, i walk through one unattended security check. i hear one guy yelling at me so i show him the small paper i received from the officer and he nods and lets me through. so the guys are outside waiting for me, i was there for more than 3 hours and they have been waiting long enough for them to just leave me there. i find out that none of them went back home to make sure that i was okay and not tortured or beaten down. mockingly, they all jump on top of me like i just landed back from the moon, and though the stares of all arrivals i felt like an important person for once in my life. we go back home, eat something, i tell them what happened and we agree to go next day in the morning to try to rescedule this appointment with the secret services. so next day, we head there to the hq, and i walk out to their outpost to guys carrying big guns, ask around for customer service, they laughed at me and they told me to get my ass in line for security check. i told them that i was not there to go inside, atleast not yet, my appointment is in 3 days and i need to change it. so no one was providing me any help. then i see one civilian, with a gun on his wait, with everyone kissing up to him, so i figured this guy is the shit, i better talk to him and explain my case. so i did, and he just laughs as the rest of them, he then tells me to go enjoy my time and to come back on sunday when am back from my trip from that far city. so i felt surprised, despite all the talk that i received from my friends and family friends on the secret services and how intimidating they are, and how bad they abuse their power, it was very simple just postponing my appointment. so i ask the big shit guy, "are you sure, i wont see you down in that city thursday afternoon locking me in handcuffs after not showing up?". he laughs again, asks me to enjoy my time and come back to the hq when am back here in the city. fast forwards to sunday, i am back, i decide to go finish my appointment so that i can have my passport back and see what has been the issue at the airport. i went to the hq, as advised by my friends, came early at 9am, left all my belonging outside except for that paper they gave at the airport and my id. so my friends drops me exactly the door and i open the door wanting to get out, and these 2 soldiers just block the way of the door, asks me to stay in the car. i ask them what the issue was, since i had an appointment. they told me for security reasons, no cars are allowed to stop infront of the entrance of the secret services hq. later i googled and found out that they have had some terrorists attacks from isis in the north which has caused huge security tightening up with their procedures. so we stop the car further at a distance and i walk towards the hq and i stand in line like the rest of the poor poeople waiting in miserble faces showing agony and pain. so my turns comes up and i go for the first of what happened to be 10 security gates filtration and entrance process. i get searched through a hand held scanner and manually. then i get placed on a all shaded dark tinted window buses with curtains and where asked not to peak out the windows. we get squeezed into it moving to the next security station. we get down get into 3 difference scanning devices (all i have seen before except one where you are required to stand like a rocket-man with your hand up like you are surrendering and 2 scanners rotate around you). so we finished these 3 scanning manchines and we walk into lockers to place out things, since i had no stuff to put in the locker i was handed a pink paper was told to just move to the next room. next room, was a big waiting silent room with alot of chairs where people would stay there waitin for the next set of busses to take us to the next station. i look around and i see alot of people of different shapes, sizes, genders each hold one of 3 color papers, blue, green and pink. while staring around i caught eyes with the guy beside me, so being the nice guy i am, i decide to open a conversation and know his story. he asked me what brought me there, so i told him about the airport incident. i ask him the same, and he tells me he is a teacher in the west bank, and he was just dropping his sister to jordan where they confiscated his passport and asked him to come to hq for appointment/questioning. in the middle of the talk, we talked about prisons in israel, education system..etc; the secret services officers asks people of different color categories to get in the bus to move to the next station and so we did. moving into the third checkpoint, we get down from the bus, i see a big 3 story building covering a huge landscape. so i figured out that we have arrived at the hq. during all this time, i would just be following the people there, since most of them seemed to have more experience and have came to hq very frequently so i used to be mostly in the end to the last of the line. i go for the third stop of security scanning and we were given numbers and asked to stay in one hall and wait. this room contained fewer chair than capacity, and it was over crowded with people standing, sitting, walking around and squeeking chairs. suddenly the speak in the room which i have noticed when i came in calls in people from number 1-100 to go upstairs to the next stage. everybody starts running upstairs, and an amateur in-experienced person like myself realises that we're all up to something and so i copy them. we then go upstairs to smaller rooms that are ven smaller than the one we were in. since the rooms were even smaller, we had to split into different small rooms randomly. that's when i realized that me and my teacher friend split ways, each for us to get brutalized with our own destiny. i sat with a random group of people in one of those rooms, waiting for the speak to call for my number. as each number was being called, the guy would stand up, and everyone would look at him, giving him the farewell teary eyes. at that lucky moment, my bladder decides that it is time to pee. i go outside the room, only to be told to get back inside by the officer who realised it wasn't my number. i argued the officer for sometime and so unwillingly he had to let me just to get rid of me. i came back to the room after having done my business and i couldn't tell if my number had come up since there are no speakers outside the rooms. i sat there and waiting, and 20 mins laters my number comes up. i stood up, gave sad looks to everyone and went out the room. i saw a short skinny man carrying a gun asking me if i was mowilliams0; i nodded. he asked me to follow him. he takes me to a small tiny room with only a desk and a fan and 2 chairs. i saw across him while he sat on the desk filling out a paper he grabbed from the general officer's office. he wrote in all my personal details and start questioning me all kind of questions about my past. his questions included, my purpose coming to this country, have i ever went to these countries, what does my dad and uncle work, when was the last time i went back to my home country, my address in all countries that i live in..etc. all kind of questions indicated that he suspected me for some terrorist since my name is very common. after 30 mins of questions, he throws away my passport on the table and says "sorry, we thought you were someone else". he then asks me to leave and handed me a small paper with tag "exit permitted" and asked me to wait for the bus to drop me back. i entered that room to see my teacher friend whom welcomed me and told me how was my first experience with the secret services as i should get used to such formalities. we talked for sometime about things in the west bank, israel prisons, as he was locked up for 1 year there because he was in a protest once. anyways, the bus came, we went back to 2nd stop where we would take our stuff from the locker and then we were told to walk down hill as there are no buses taking us to the first station where the exit is. as i was walking downhill, i saw an old man with white facial hair all over and thought to myself, poor guy, probably came like me for silly reasons or common names or whatever, they should atleast consider his age and give him a break. i approach this old man in order to know what's his story, so i ask him why is he here. he tells me that he was caught in his house with a gun. as known possession of guns is not allowed in this country unless you're in army/high rank officer or a politician where you can do whatever you want. so i told him "were you using it for self defense, since things here aren't always stable and robberies might occur?"... he answer me "no my son, i am usually trading & selling guns and at the time someone snitched on me and i was in possesion of 5 guns." i get shocked since his looks does not given any indication of drugs arm seller as he looks too old and barely walking. i smile and slowly walk away from him, heading towards the exit at the first station, i ain't ready to go back inside homie, i have already been here for long 7 hours get me the hell out.

going on a vacation abroad for bestfriend's wedding, was too nice offering help to passport control checking my visa causing him to think that it was fake and that i was a terrorist, thus sending me to their cia hq.

scewing my vacation to attend my bestfriends; ended up meeting the secret services in their headquarters in person.

(insert obligatory "this wasn't today this was a few months back" sentence here) back in 8th grade, 4 years ago, my cousin bob and his friend joe joined up with me in a band. it was mostly for fun as we never got much done aside from covering a few popular songs. we weren't the best cover band ever, but we weren't the worst either, just your average run-of-the-mill teenage musical act. we started by rehearsing at bob's house because he lived close to everyone. the space was small; we barely had enough space to move and joe had to use an electric drum (which he despised), but we didn't mind as we still got to play. as none of us has a passable singing talent, we decided to invite my friend sarah in the band, who has an amazing voice. the problem was that bob's house was too far for her to get there, so we had to setup camp elsewhere if we wanted a singer. joe then announced that his parents would let him use the empty house they were working on, so we would have more space, sarah could come over and he would also get to use his acoustic drum set. we moved the small amount of gear we had 4 months later, in december of 2016, and that is where the fuck-up happened. my cousin, bob, decided to invite our adhd friend, jack, who was dating sarah at the time, to come watch us play at joe's house. the problem was, he didn't tell anyone: neither joe, me, sarah, nor joe's mom was aware that he was coming over. jack was the kind of friend that you love but your parents hate. he wasn't very bright, his grades weren't the best, but he was really great to hang out with. the only downside is that his parents were extremely "alt-right", even though we live in france. he also had a license-free car, a plastic can of doom which barely held together and had an epilepsy fit each time someone started the motor. we thought it was awesome, but my parents thought it was crazy and made me swear to never get in that car. so jack came over in his car, and after a few minutes of chat, sarah texted me to come pick her up at the underground station nearby. jack then offered me a ride in his car, and not thinking enough as it is customary when you are 15, i accepted. we picked up sarah, who had to get in the trunk as jack's car only had two seats. we then started goofing around in his car (music turned all the way up, yelling... regular irresponsible teenage doings) when a huge suv comes down on us right as we get to joe's house. jack swerves to avoid it and parks the plastic nightmare. we get out the car, open the trunk to let sarah out, and then we see joe's mom storming towards us, furious. — who was driving? tell me who was driving! jack came forward and said it was him. — who even are you?! i don't know you! i almost crushed you! you could all have died! she then started grilling him for being irresponsible and said she was going to call his parents. jack pleaded her not to call his parents, said he will leave, anything but call his parents. bob came forward too, saying he invited him and that he is responsible if we had an accident. joe and sarah just looked down at the floor, embarassed. joe's mom then told us to get inside and play some songs while she called our parents to come pick us up. predictably, everyone's morale was pretty low and no one was actually in the mood to play anything. jack came with us in the empty house. we all sat down on the floor and jack said he was sorry if anything happened to us, if our parents grounded us or something in the like. i said it was okay, and that we should just be grateful we didn't die. joe, bob, sarah, me and jack layed there on the floor conforting each other and gradually bringing morale up. i eventually picked up my guitar, strummed a few chords, and everyone slowly joined me from there. joe's mom then came in, saying everything would be fine, that she called my parents and bob and sarah's, but that she told then not to ground us as jack was responsible for everything. my dad arrived 2 hours later and said he would bring me and sarah home. we put our gear in his car and we had a silent trip to sarah's house, then to mine. i then made the error of assuming that my parents had listened to joe's mom. as i came in my house and sat for dinner, my parents started grilling me for not being responsible and climbing in jack's car. after 30 minutes of yelling, it was decided that i was grounded until further notice. i thus had to cancel all my plans, as vacation was coming soon and partied were to be had. saddened, i then went upstairs to my room and asked sarah, bob and jack if they got grounded. i then recieved an unanimous answer of "no haha". not even jack was grounded, he was just not allowed to give me a ride anymore. and that, reddit, is how i fucked up by getting in my adhd friend's car. [

] got into my friend's car to pick up his gf for band practice, almost crashed into other friend's mom's suv.

getting in my adhd friend's car

didn't happen today, but was a few years ago. my stag night was perhaps one of the best nights i've ever had. sadly it was followed by the absolute worst day of my life to date. after almost a day of partying, drunken golf, impromptu onesie raves and god knows what else, i make it home and collapse into bed. mission accomplished, go me! i survived. several hours later i wake up, with a monumental hangover, in fact i'm fairly certain i was still pretty drunk at the time. my first thought is to go get a nice drink of water, but i am stopped by the absolute worst taste in my mouth. probably some sort of aftertaste from a weird cocktail, who knows. so i decided to go and brush my teeth. i go to the bathroom, grab the toothpaste, put a healthy dose on the toothbrush and start scrubbing. this is where it all went horribly wrong. in my drunken/hungover state, i had not checked the tube of toothpaste. what i thought was toothpaste, was in fact a tube of deep heat muscle cream, and i had just put the mother of all loads of it onto the brush and into my mouth. i was a little concerned that the toothpaste tasted a bit odd to begin with, but merely assumed that it was a new flavour. a minute later, when my mouth was a burning pit of hellfire, i knew i'd fucked up majorly. not only that, but i had swallowed a bit of it and my insides were starting to feel like i'd down ten litres of the world's hottest chilli sauce. alerted to my screams, my wife (now ex-wife but that's a story for another day) runs in to the bathroom and see's me rolling on the floor, clutching at my face and neck as i gurgle incomprehensively. she quickly realises what has happened and calls the poisons hotline. do you know how many people had called in with this scenario before? zero. apparently *nobody* had ever mistakenly used deep heat for toothpaste before (funny that). the lady on the other end of the line actually found it very amusing, but to her credit she still conducted herself very professionally and i was soon whisked away in an ambulance. 48 hours later, after stomach pumping, laughing doctors (they were in tears!) and nurses, i was at last home again. there were now labels in our bathroom because i could not be trusted to not poison myself again. i am an idiot.

hungover, i accidentally used deep heat for toothpaste, burned my insides, made doctors cry from laughter, and now my bathroom has labels on everything to prevent another poisoning event.

accidentally using deep heat cream as toothpaste.

early apologies for any spelling mistakes, i am typing with only one hand as this happened today. i'm a groundskeeper. i was in the back of my coworker's jeep as she drove us to a site we work at once a week. her jeep (don't know model or year) only has two doors, and the seats don't fold forward very well, so i had less than two feet of room, max, to squeeze out. and she had big tires. and it was a jeep. i got my top half out, looked down, and thought "i can make that jump." i did not make that jump. i faceplanted the concrete. i didn't hit my head (thank god) but my right arm and left knee got scraped something good. my coworkers helped me up and, after i assured them i was fine, had to leave because i guess they felt bad for laughing at my misery. after a few minutes of sitting, i was feeling better. scrapes weren't bleeding that badly and the sting was going. i thought i would be ready to get back to work. i was not ready to get back to work. my left arm was starting to hurt. badly. it started at the elbow nut the pain was spreading through my arm. ironically, i work for a hospital, so our supervisor had to drive me back. he dropped me off at emergency and, 1 x-ray, 1 ct scan, not enough painkillers and 7 hours of waiting later, i found out the radial head in my left arm was fractured, and if i don't get surgery done, i run the risk of developing early arthritis in my elbow as it likely won't heal properly. or, as my doctor put it, "that's totally fucked". as i type this, i realize how all if this could have been prevented if i just lifted my god damn feet.

tried to leave a jeep, tripped, fell, and fucked up my arm so hard it needs surgery.

falling out of a jeep

obligatory this happened last year. at my school, we had these top-of-the-line calculators for the accelerated math (amp) kids. they could graph, use letters, do all sorts of trigonometry operations, and all the like. the important thing here is that they can type letters. so me, being in accelerated math all high and mighty, needed one of these calculators for an assignment. of course, i got it and began to use it as intended. the fu comes now. so i was and still am a despicable edgelord. hitler was comedy gold, and a friend in amp was also a dank dorito. bright idea: why don't i put "jews are vermin" in the calculator? i did, of course and decided to show it to my friend. we laughed, i put back the calculator. all was well, except i didn't clear the calculator. the next day, another kid grabbed it and instantly saw "jews are vermin". they reported it to the teacher, and of course i got in massive trouble. my parents were really angry, i was kicked out of accelerated math, and the principal gave a speech to all the grade 8 classes about anti-semmetism.

wrote jews are vermin in a school calculator, got in huge trouble

being a bad person

i work in a coffee shop and it's part of my job to remember my customers, their names and their orders. i have a regular customer who comes in probably once a week. she is around 35 years old, and has very very red hair, and her name is ginger. i was working my shift and a woman walked in with the same color hair, but i didn't see her face, and so i yelled over to greet her thinking it was my regular. i shouted, "hey, whats up, ginger?" she turned around right away and you could just see how furious she was. before i had any time to explain my mistake, the lady screamed "fuck off!", flipped me the bird and left the shop, slamming the door behind her. another customer in the store looked and me and said, "you're an asshole." and he left too. my manager only witnessed the people telling me how much of a piece of shit i was and assumed i was at fault. i was given a formal warning about my job that will permanently be on file. [

] i called a red headed woman ginger because i thought that was her name. she yelled at me and i was given a written warning at work.

calling a red headed woman ginger.

(this story happened to me not today, but last summer. i'm also french, so pardon my english) last summer, the weekend (saturday) before the final exam week and 2-3 weeks before going to america visiting my girlfriend, i fell off my bike. like stupidly ("ohhh, it looks weird, let's turn right and left very quickly and see what's happening") and badly (chin first, blood in my mouth and spit some of my teeth). obviously i got help right away, people called an ambulance and they took me to the hospital. at some point i could not bent my left arm (elbow issue) nor use my right hand (wrist was killing me), and my mouth felt weird. once in the hospital, i wanted it to be fast because my dad's family was visiting me for the day and they lived pretty far away. i got 5 stitches on the chin, passed an elbow radio and checked out before doing anything else. once in town, we got a late lunch with my family and just by chewing on à french fry i heard that awful noise coming from my jaw and the pain was intense. of course, all badass i am, i didn't want anything to do with the hospital anymore, so i sat on it and went home for the day. next morning (sunday), after calling my mom (always listen to your mom kids), i went back to the hospital for more radios (the pain was still here, and i felt that something was wrong) and got rejected (i'm not a emergency anymore since i went home, right?). i had to head to a private hospital to do some more exams, and guess what! jaw broken in 3 locations, emergency surgery needed and all the exams / graduation / girlfriend trip might need to be aborted. i got surgery monday morning, exited the hospital (after doctor approval) tuesday morning, went back to school wednesday (didn't want to catch up in september..) and managed to go to america see my girlfriend. the 2 titanium plates in my jaw are still here, and the 4 screws to keep it in place are long gone now. i was 24 at the time, my jaw cracks some time to time now, but only when i yawn. teeth are fine and girlfriend is happy ☺️

fell off my bike. tried to be badass. cried while eating a french fry. jaw was broken. bike is ok

leaving the hospital too early

so this happened a few years ago and i haven't told a soul because i was so stupid and soooo lucky. my family has a cabin up in the middle of nowhere and we run our stove and fridge off of a 100lb propane tank. i worked at a gas station that refilled propane tanks and i was certificate for it so i knew a little bit more than the average person. and the tank we had at our cabin was ancient. it was well past it's expiry date and had an old style valve on it that doesn't automatically stop when it's full (only 80% of its total volume). but it's the cabin and nothing up to code. we needed more propane so me, my dad, my husband, and my sister all piled into the truck and started the 1 hour drive to the gas station. one of us had to sit in the bed of the truck to keep the tank from rolling around because the canopy was too low to allow the tank to sit upright (like it's supposed to). we get to the gas station and i am immediately glued to my phone because i finally had a signal. before i know it the tank is full and it's time to go back but i draw the short straw and have to sit in the back with the tank. so we are driving down the highway and i start craving a cigarette. i haven't had one in quite a while and i know i shouldn't, but the propane is safely away in the tank and i'm all alone so.... sure why not? i prop the back window of the canopy up and light up. but now that the air was moving around i could smell propane. my nicotine addiction says "no, it's just how the tank smells" so i take a few more puffs. the smell was getting stronger. "but you can't just throw your smoke out the window, it could start a wildfire" hmmm, maybe i should just ash it out on the truck bed. "but you're going to waste half a cigarette!" reason finally prevailed about mid smoke (when the nicotine was happily flowing) and i butt it out and throw it away. the propane smell was starting to get overwhelming and i couldn't wait to get out of the truck. when we get to the cabin my dad pulls the tank out and holy crap! there is a steady stream of liquid propane spewing from its pressure relief valve. the tank was overfilled and the extra heat in the back of the truck caused the liquid to expand and the relief valve to open. and i was sitting next to it, in an enclosed area, with a lit cigarette. omfg i almost blew up my family. i feel the blood drain from my face. when propane ignites it violently explodes and a full 100lb tank can hold about 100 litres (about 26 gallons) of propane. that is enough to reduce us to a hole in the ground. i know this, why did i do it? nicotine of course!

i almost blew us all up for nicotine. i lit up a cigarette next to a leaking 100lb propane tank, in an enclosed area, next to everyone that i love, even though i knew better.

i almost blew up my family

so i was hungry before starting work and decided to put a quick frozen pizza in the oven. upon hearing the bleep of the oven i reach in to take it out and it's stuck. fantastic. now bear in mind i didn't use a baking tray so it's stuck on the metal rack. i grab a tea towel and push from underneath the pizza to release it from metal rack thing. i had my arm at a shitty angle and i burnt my risk. oh well, small burn no biggie. i reach in once more and finally release the damn pizza. later on at work i see the burn has blistered. great. next day i see the blister popped so it is loose skin covering the burn. cut to me fighting with my brother today where this loose skin rips off. fantastic. now i have an area on my arm with a layer of skin missing. edit: [picture](https://imgur.com/gallery/hi1fh)

burnt wrist and fought brother. now i have no skin on wrist

getting my pizza from the oven and burning myself

well let me begin this shit storm of a story by saying this happened a few years back in my college days; i don't do drugs or alcohol anymore, which is probably for the better. this story is too retarded to make up. so enjoy. it all started when i flew down to athens, ga to visit some friends and family. my friends thought it would be a great idea to buy a few xanax before we head to the party (we never made it to said party). so me being the mad lad i am took 2 xanax bars, and the rest of the night was a retarded blur that took me a solid month to piece back together like a jigsaw puzzle. i checked my bank records: i spent $100 at buffalo wild wings, and 60 bucks on an uber, which im assuming was to and from the restaraunt. i ended up dropping my phone and breaking the screen/lcd- i walked to wal-mart and an easy $300 dollars later my phone was fixed. but i wish it was that easy. the phone took an hour to fix so i thought it would be a good idea to do some quality control on a wal-mart leather couch and take a nap... i was abruptly woken up by a manager and a cop, who asked for my id and if i had driven here. the cop told me to leave immediately or he was going to arrest me. i stumble out of wal-mart with my new phone and a case for it. i made to back to buffalo wild wings to find my 2 friends who were still at buffalo wild wings. we go back to friend #1's house. for some reason i asked to borrow his roommates new iphone, and i dropped it off a second story balcony. i had 1000 dollars in my wallet at the time, and i gave my friend's roommate 400 bucks to go get it fixed. the sloppy xanax confidence kicked in and i tried sliding in my ex girlfriend's dms. idk what i said to her, but i was effectively blocked on all social media. i uberr out of there shortly after, and head to my relative's house to go to sleep, which was a terrible idea because at this point i was at full retard; never go full retard. my relatives immediately knew i was messed up, and they let me sleep there the night but kicked me out asap in the morning and told my parents. my parents did not trust me for a solid year after that happened. that night was probably the biggest l i've taken in my 26 years of being alive on this plannet. i hope you enjoyed reading about it.

spent 100 bucks at buffalo wild wings, broke my phone, dropped my buddies roommate's phone off a second story balcony, fell asleep on a couch at wal-mart and was woken up by cops (i managed to talk my way out of a public intoxication ticket), was kicked out of a relatives house, tried hitting up an ex girlfriend, who blocked me on all social media, and my parents didn't trust me for a while after this happened that night cost me around $1000

going full retard on xanax bars

my life is full of fuck ups so i figure i would post another one on here. obligatory this happened ten years ago when i was in high school. i've had a problem with chronic migraines my entire life and occasionally before school i would take a dose of fioricet (basically a pain killer with caffeine used for migraines) and head to school pain free. i was up all night playing ps3 and only got a few hours of sleep before my alarm went off. my head was throbbing so i took my meds and drove to class. the teacher started her lesson when i realized i left my textbook in my car. i excused myself and walked towards my vehicle, and grabbed my book. next thing i remember is waking up in the middle of the front office handcuffed to a chair. belligerently mumbling and trying to rip myself out of the chair. i thought the security guard was attacking me and i began to scream and kick my feet at him. he started yelling in my ear "what did you take, what drugs are you on?!. all i remember is yelling "fuck you, get me out of this fucking chair". i stood up dragging the chair behind me as i tried to leave out the front door of the office. he grabbed me and stuck me in the principals office and stood in front of the door. they went out and started searching my car for drugs. he came in with my pipe and put it on the desk. an ambulance got called and they drove me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. fast forward to the hospital, they got me in the bed and have hooked up a bag of saline to flush the drugs out of my system. out of no where i snapped back into reality. i started asking why the hell i was at the hospital when my mom showed up with a couple pill bottles. she counted them out and they realized that i had taken an ambien in my sleepy stupor instead of my migraine medicine. the ambien kicked in at the exact time i had grabbed my books. next day at school, i was called into the principals office to discuss the incident. i was fully ready to be expelled but he was really cool about it. the conversation went like this "i'm just happy your alive, i have never seen someone try to fight a security guard. you know we found you standing in the middle of the parking lot with your book in your hand just staring at your car" all i had to do was write a written apology to the security guard. he laughed about it and every time he saw me he'd be like "woah watch out man, don't kick me alright?!"

wrong meds turned me into a ninja

taking the wrong medication

about a week ago, i bought a water flosser so i could be better about oral hygiene. it arrived, i set it up, i tried it out, i loved it. i set all the different attachments into the case that came with it, and realized that one of them, a rather large, purple one, wouldn't fit in the case. this attachment, according to the included user manual, was meant to clean your nose. "huh," i said, as i set it atop the case. "that sounds interesting and not at all sinus destroying." today, after using the restroom, my eyes fell on the nose cleaning attachment and curiosity got the better of me. i stuck it on the end of the device, put it to my nostril, and turned it on. at first, nothing. then sinus pressure and burning pain. if you've ever jumped into a pool and had the water shoot straight up your nose into your sinus, you know exactly what i was feeling, except that that pressure shooting the water there never went away, and i knew that i was purposefully doing this to myself, which made the pain even worse. i shut the damn thing off and let the water drip from my nose. it's been 10 minutes and my sinus still hurts. i suppose, at least, it also feels very clean, so at least there's that.

cleaned nose with pressurized water jet. sinus burns like one would expect it would burn after being cleaned by pressurized water jet.

trying the nose cleaning attachment on my water flosser

so as with many tifus this didn't happen today, but happened approximately 11 months ago. my wife and i had just bought our first house, and we were moving stuff out of our apartment. we tried to get a rental truck, but they would have charged us extra days since we were moving over the weekend, and they were closed on sunday so we decided to just borrow my parents mini van and move everything ourselves. we had already taken several trips moving bookcases, dressers, and other large and unwieldy items. one of the few things left was the mattress. anyone who has moved will understand that they are the worst. you can't ever get good balance since they keep shifting, they're heavy, and still stiff enough that moving them through doorways just sucks. still we were determined. we wrestled that thing through our bedroom and apartment doors. we lived in a garden level apartment so at least we only had to struggle it up a half flight of stairs. we then fought it into the van, pushing both it and the doors until it finally submitted to our will. we drive it to our new house, and begin the arduous task of hauling it back out of the van and up the stairs to the second floor. at long last we wrestled it up there and dropped it flat on the floor. now at this point i'm hot, i'm tired, and i'm ready to be done. here is where the fu comes in. i think a large majority of people have had the urge to kick things. usually it's something small like a shirt you tripped over. maybe you kicked the tire to your car after you changed it. lots of people have done it. with equal parts frustration and victory i let that mattress have it, and i kicked it, my left foot striking a blow for justice. here is why this was a bad idea. i had a lot of force behind that kick. the mattress however was already against the wall, and it was heavy, which meant that this force had nowhere to go. my foot turned out to the left, and my leg twisted with it, causing my knee cap to pop out of it's regular home and onto the left side of my leg, until the tendon that holds it there put it back. it was very brief, but certainly enough for me to collapse on my floor in agony. i knew that pain as this would be the 2nd time i had done this. the first time was a high school judo class. i would spend the next several weeks icing my knee and limping around on a cane, whilst reflecting on why newton's laws of motion (especially the 2nd one) are important to know.

while moving i kicked my queen size mattress. it didn't move, but my kneecap dislocated

kicking a mattress

happened 10 minutes ago. i was waiting on the bus and had my backpack sitting next to me on this wooden bench. the bus approaches and i stand up to grab my backpack, but i can't because the strap buckle got stuck in the crack. i pull and pull, doesn't budge. i go from under to push it out. i start to run to the bus because i've been holding it up and last week this driver left someone because they were 10 feet away from the stop and she had already stopped at this red light. i grab my phone, backpack and boom! i slip and land on my knee because my headphones got stuck in the crack as well. i pick myself up and jog to the bus. my knee and foot are scratched up, and i can't clean it up until i arrive at my internship. so i'm just sitting on the bus with a bloody, burning knee and an aching ankle.

my backpack strap buckle got stuck in the bench while the bus was waiting on me, i got it out, run to the bus and fall scratching up my knee and foot because my headphones got stuck as well.

waiting until the last second to stand up to catch the bus.

so this happened a couple months ago, i have this issue where i would run all of a sudden uncontrollably, i don't know what exactly causes this, it might be some form of excitement but i don't know what causes it. so anyway a couple months ago i was watching a video casually on my laptop, i don't remember what video i was watching at the time but all of a sudden it kicks in, i get up very quickly and start running all of a sudden with no control, having almost no control while running can cause some problems as mainly you don't know what you are going to run into. so like 2 seconds into the this and my toe hits the door frame, hard. i was on the floor in complete pain and i come into the bathroom, take off my sock and reveal what happened. my right 4th toe was bent completely out of shape and was in pain, i quickly called my mom to immediately go to the doctors office, while waiting i sent her the picture of my broken toe to add more information, told my autistic brother to turn off the speakers on the pc so then i could get my headphones out and try finding an asmr video to relieve the pain, nothing worked and i was just laying on the couch in pain. so my mom quickly comes home and takes me to the doctors office to get it checked out and the first one we went to, they were unable to treat this kind of injury and not to mention that the xray was closed there today. so we have to go to the er and on the way got some taco bell, so i get there and i am in the waiting room waiting for the next one, the time comes and i am in the clinic, so first i get the xray scan and i am told to sit outside after to wait for the treatment, treatment comes and he has to pull it back in place, a couple seconds of pain later and i have bandages and everything. i check out the xray scan and the toe was completely dislodged and broken.

had a sudden feeling of running, broke my toe and was unable to do anything for 6 weeks

running around uncontrollably

so a few days ago when i found out that futurama was going to be taken off netflix, i decides to watch as many as i can before it goes. this story takes place yesterday when i was trying​ to watch it. i wanted to watch another episode so i plugged in my phone, got a can of carbonated water (out of soda), and started the episode. about only 5 minutes in is where it all went to shit. my phone bussed so i decided to check it if it was a text or something, after i picked up my phone i felt something tug on the cord and looked to see what it was. i realized that i had pulled the soda can over with the cord, spilling it everywhere. i picked the soda back up, but it was too late, the water was everywhere. now this wouldn't have been that bad if it was just a spill, but then i noticed that the water was going​ straight to the outlet where my phone was plugged into, an outlet on the floor. i jumped up from where i was sitting and unplugged the charger as fast as i could, but then i had to watch helplessly as the water funneled into the outlet. after that i had no idea what to do since the water already started draining into it, so i just ran to the kitchen to get paper towels and started trying to mop up as much water as i could. once the outlet was dry i sat back down, relieved, thinking it was over. it was not. the outlet started sparking and crackling. about five seconds after that, plumes of smoke came out of it and then everything in the room shut off, including the wifi and internet. i later found out that the water caused a fuse to break in the basement and that it shut off every other outlet in the room, that means that if we want anything in this room plugged in now, we have to connect it to a huge extension cord that goes to a different room.

tried to watch a show, knocked soda over into outlet, every other outlet shut off causing us to lose wifi and internet, found out i blew a fuse, now none of the outlets work.

trying to watch tv and drink a soda

like most tifu's this didn't happen today but a few years (10+) ago. so how does this all happen you may ask; well i'd just spent a few hours down at the beach here in the uk on a sunny day (yes we do get them). anyway we were flying kites and generally having what any young person does, anyway me and my brother were riding home from the beach and i decide as we are getting back onto the campsite that i'd let the kite out a bit as what's the worst that could happen, i should also mention that the handle and wire was wrapped around my handlebar. my brother who has had his fair share of fu's said that i shouldn't do that as i'll only end up hurting myself. my reply "do i look like i'd let it out that far so as to cause an issue" and with that i turned down a different access road to get to the caravan forgetting that it was the wrong road. little do i know that the line that the kite is on is slowly unwinding and extending out the back making the kite go further and further up into the air without me realising i might add as i was too focused on the road ahead. i then look behind me and see the kite is now spinning in an infinity pattern behind me. i turn my head to hit the brake on my handlebar but before i can the kite decides to wrap it's self around the guide wire for an awning to another person's caravan. at this point all i know is what i was told by the caravan owners, and that is that the kite pulled tight and the wire pulled my handlebar 90 degrees to the right and i went over the handlebars with the wire and handle cutting my face open as it flew off. i then got up and walked my broken face over to their caravan and asked for help. they said, "head to your caravan you'll need some help" handing me some kitchen roll for my face. i was confused by this and went on my way. got back to caravan and said to my mum and dad that i'd had an accident, mum looks and screams then passed out, dad said "i'd better get you too a hospital", so off we go to hospital, found out i'd cut it so deep i could see the muscle and tendons. ended up with butterfly stitches for like 2 weeks whilst it healed

appempted to fly kite and ride bike at same time, ended up with stitches and had to apologise to my mum for scaring her

wounding myself whilst attempting to ride a bike and fly a kite at the same time

when i was around 9 or 10 years old my parents noticed i was falling way off the growth charts. i was diagnosed with idiopathic growth hormone deficiency - meaning my body doesn't make growth hormone on it's own. it's 100% treatable, i just had to inject myself with growth hormone each night before bed. when i was 12 (6th grade) i starting dating this girl who was literally obsessed with all the short guys in our grade, along with some her friends. like they would do stupid middle school girl things to flirt with them like throw things at them during lunch. i was about 4'7"-4'8" at that time which was on the shorter side, but was always jealous of the attention those guys got. so 12-year-old me having absolutely no understanding of the long-term implications decided to stop taking my shots at night. i wanted to be on the same level as these guys in terms of shortness. by this point i had been giving myself the shot for a few months already, so my parents were rarely there when i did it. so i started shooting them down the sink. it's not a lot of liquid at all so it was easy. the handful of times my parents were there i did have to take the shot, but this wasn't often. anyway, it worked. by the end of 8th grade i was 4'9" - so i only grew 1-2 inches from when i started doing this 2 years earlier. my parents and the doctor never figured it out. i remember thinking i was so slick for pulling this off. fyi, i had no idea how badly i had fucked up at the time. i likely missed 2 very important years of growth/puberty by doing this. i only grew another 3-4 inches before my growth plates fully closed the following year and ended up topping out at exactly 5'1". i'm 23 years old now and there is literally nothing good about being this short as an adult guy. the worst part, especially now in the workplace, is that it's always the first thing people notice about me. it is literally impossible for me to command respect in the same way that the average man does and people just don't take me seriously in general. i'm a business major and trying to network at events and find a good job/career is honestly 10x harder when you're this short. it shouldn't be like that but it is. considering i'd likely be around 5'8"-5'9" if this never happened, this was a pretty big fuckup.

12-year-old me screwed over 23-year-old me. 12-year-old me and 23-year-old me are almost the same height now.

thinking that being short would be cool

dragged myself into work (sales coordinator at a hotel) this morning, groggy as all hell. about once a week this old lady calls to check on all the reservations for her family reunion. it's been 10 reservations for the past three months, except for last week, when a guest booked an extra room with me. quite unfortunately this guest's last name is manson. do i need to say more? "has anyone else booked for the family reunion?" *not looking st the reservation, just going off memory* "yes charles manson called last week to book another room. you have 11 now." "who?" *i just realized my mistake* "uh manson?" i furiously clicked around until i found the block and gave her the correct name. i really hope she thought she heard wrong because her tv was turned up so loudly.

last name of family reunion guest was manson. incorrectly gave his first name as "charles" to the reunion coordinator.

mixing up a guest's name with a well known murderer.

this just happened, but here's some backstory: on mother's day, we went to my brother's​ place up in the mountains, and his dog and ours went running through the woods. later, i pointed out a bug crawling across the floor. "oh, gross. a tick." my nephew says, before smashing it into oblivion. "yeah, you might want to check your dog when you get home. they're likely the ones who brought them in." so we get home and scour our girl for ticks, because one of those little shits is the last thing we want. but dammit, dogs have a lot of fur! how the hell am i supposed to find one, even if it's there? so we called it good, and figured if one shows up, we'll notice. fast forward to today. as we were getting in bed for the night, i noticed she was licking a spot just inside her hind leg. also, she had seemed more lethargic than usual lately. i thought, 'maybe we should do another tick check, just in case.' our room is kinda dark, so i turn on the flashlight on my phone, and have her roll over so i can check the spot she was licking. sure enough, i see this little black fucker attached her belly. fuck. i run into the bathroom and grab the tweezers. i go back to her, hold her down, and try as i might to pinch that bitch off. but, shit! it's embedded deep! and my poor girl is yelling and crying and wriggling like crazy! this sucks! so i get her up on the bed and turn on the overhead light so i can see it better. that's when i notice another tick. fuck! and another! and...another... ...and they're all lined up... that's when i realize, they weren't ticks. they are her nipples. fuck. good thing dogs are forgiving. sorry girl. edit: to clarify, her nipple is fine, albeit mildly tweaked. also, i forgot to address the lethargy comment. she's getting older, and my wife and i started running outside again for the summer. i was just being cautious (maybe a bit too much so). and yes, i know i'm stupid. [bonus pic!] (https://i.imgur.com/ubdkh2z.jpg)

was trying to de-tick my dog, almost de-nippled my dog.

trying to remove a tick from my dog

it was a nice day. we were on our way to nelsons ledges quarry park for the semiannual badfish 3 day concert. i was in the backseat of the cab, my husband and the driver upfront. in the bed of the truck was our camping gear and 3 boxes of old books we were dropping off at the driver's mom's on our way through. i smoked a cigrit and moments after it was gone, i smelled something burning and said something to the two guys up front, "uh...you guys, it smells like somethings on fire" they were like, "well it's not the engine because it smells like paper. we're good, it's probably just the ashtray burning..." i sat back a little reassured "ok, cool". as i thought about it, though, i realized; i didn't put my cigrit out in the ashtray! oh no no no nooooo!! i threw it out the window-i turned around to look panic i saw what appeared to be a raging inferno and started screaming at the driver, "pull over pull over pull tf over!!! the truck's on fire the truck's on fiiiiire!!!" he slammed the brakes and pulled over about 50 feet from the state police barracks-i jump out of the truck and frantically started pulling boxes of burning books and our down feather pillow topper out of the back-everything was burning, even the tent!! i have hair down to my thighs and i distinctly remember disregarding the fact that i had it down while playing fire fighter-it was so windy the fight was for naught! we began throwing dirt from the side of the road on anything that was burning, which helped to put out most of the fires. except the pillow topper. that thing burned to nothing. the police showed up after about 5 minutes and by the time the fire truck came, everything was over. i remember handing our buddy a half burned bible from one of the boxes. the trooper that stayed with us was all, "so uh...how do you 3 think this all started?" i lowered my head about low as i could and admitted, "i threw my cigrit out of the window just before this went down." the driver glared me down. oh, the shame!! it was as thick as the sickly smell of melted plastic and other toxic materials. i was very lucky that this trooper didn't charge me. i was in full festival gear! in a, 'stop bitching and start a revolution shirt'. he instead shook our hands and congratulated us on putting it out before it got to the gas tank. as shocked as we were at his leniency, we started packing the half charred remains of camping gear back in the truck as he asked, "so are you on your way home then?" my husband laughed, "hell no!! we're going!!" he's like, "but all of your gear..." the driver shrugged, "it's badfish at the ledges, sir. we aren't missing it for anything." he stared at us in disbelief, tipped his hat and told us to "be on our way" and walked away shaking his head. i've since quit smoking. for safety ofcourse.

i learned a lesson about fire safety and we still went.

catching my friend's truck ablaze while going 55mph on our way to a music festival

actually happened today! i'm an aff student (learning to skydive) and stage 8 was my morning jump. i was heaps excited, my free fall was pretty damn good and i passed it! but coming for landing i was further away then i wanted to be. i knew i wasn't going to make it over the tarmac which is hard as, well, tarmac. there are always planes coming and going, and i panicked! i didn't flare (parachute brakes) so instead of landing smoothly and trying to get off quickly, i hit the ground full speed. landed on my feet but quickly went down hitting my knees hard. thankfully i'm okay and nothing is broken, just a lot of bruising, a chunk out of one knee, and possibly a strained iml (knee ligament) my nice pants had to be cut off which is sad worse thing is i had one jump to go before i finished, and now i'm out of action for a week or so. skydiving is actually really damn safe! in the last 3 days over 200 jumps have happened and other then stepping into some holes walking back, i'm the only one hurt! panicking is what caused this it is the most dangerous thing you can do!

i panicked when coming into landing my parachute and forgot to brake, hit the runway full speed! ended up hurt and not able to jump for a week or so!

crash landing my parachute on a runway at full speed.

obligatory actually happened about 12 years ago. in highschool we had a couple of classes in a separate building(we called them portables) behind the main building of the school. i had drivers ed with mr. so&so in portable 102 2nd period. now mr. so&so was a real hard ass of a teacher. he was your typical ex-marine, no bullshit, super serious kind of guy and was generally just feared by the student body. now my next class after driver's ed was gym which was on the other side of the school and with the traffic to get out of the portables and back into the school i would barely make it on time every day. mr. so&so's classroom however, had a back door that lead straight outside. so if you wanted to you could take a longer route around the portables and bypass the traffic leaving them. that day i decided that was what i was going to do. so the bell rings, i take off out the back door. i come around the side of the portables walking as fast as i can to beat the traffic jam of students trying to get back into the school. then smack. the top of my head makes firm contact with the corner of an air conditioning unit hanging on the side of the building. of course i immediately keeled over holding the top of my head. "shit! fuck! god damn it!" now anyone who has had a cut on their head can tell you they bleed, allot, and mine was no exception. the blood just started following like a river down my face and dripping onto the sidewalk. two girls who were behind me saw what happened and ran and got mr. so&so. by the time he came barreling around the corner the pool of blood was about a foot in diameter and getting larger by the second. without a word he ripped the shirt off of my back and used it to apply pressure to the bleeding. 30 seconds later he's escorting me through the crowded hallways towards the nurses office. needless to say everyone, and i mean everyone, just stopped in their tracks to gawk at the shirtless sophomore who was covered in blood. five staples and a massive headache later i'm sitting at home and from that day on i was known as the prime example of "what happened is you pissed​ off mr. so&so."

wasn't paying attention to where i was walking and made a big bloody mess.

taking a shortcut to my next class

this happened about 5 years ago, but i remember it like it was today. well, you see, i'm a curious kind of person that natural selection somehow managed to pass over. the wife and i had gotten a new air pistol to plink some cans for fun. at the time of purchase, i was curious about how much air came out of the chamber when fired, and wanted to feel the force of air from a safe distance. my wife loaded the new pistol right when we got home, so my plan to use a new, virgin gun with no bb's was spoiled. but, aha! i had a fool (stop it) proof plan. i would empty the gun by firing it into the grass through a piece of paper outside, until empty, check chamber, fire again and again...shake..and again. i seriously fired it a couple dozen times with nothing but blanks.. no hole in paper. so, i proceeded to raise the gun (where things went wrong) and pointed it at my other hand from a few inches and pulled the trigger. i can't begin to describe the intense, agonizing, gut wrenching pain i instantly felt. i told my wife, "don't call 911". "i am going to die from an embolism and they won't get here in time." i calmly told her my good-by as she is freaking out. in my mind there was no bb in the gun. not possible. there was a red mark at the base of my middle finger where clear plasma was oozing, but no blood. surely it was caused by high pressure air entering my blood stream. so, my curiosity was quenched. at the wife's urging and after a half hour with no death or symptoms of dying, i went to the er and sat for 5 hours, in intense pain. i had the realisation that today was not my day to die. i left in frustration about 6pm because it was so busy, and a guy with a tiny, not bleeding hand would can't be in much pain, and probably thought i was a drug seeker. that night, about 3am, i woke up with a polish sausage of a middle finger. excruciating pain stopped me from surprising the wife with my new tool. time to go back to the er. i finally am seen by the dr. and tell him the same story i've unenthusiastically had to tell the other health care providers i had to see before him. they all had this smirk, and i knew what they were thinking, "what a moron!". i assured the dr there was no bb. he said he wanted to xray my hands for "shits and giggles". i agreed, as i wanted to vindicate my extreme abundance of caution, although still showing my lack of respect for pressurized air. fine. i can live with that. soon the xray came back, showing a bb lodged smack in the middle of my middle finger tendon sheath at the base where it met my hand. i remember thinking i was on some kind of prank show. the world was spinning, and i couldn't believe i had to go into emergency surgery. yeah, to this day that finger swells. and, yes..

so, i learned all guns are to be treated as loaded. even if they are not. because they are, period. end of story. i've had to have two surgeries in this finger, which now locks in place at times. also of note, i divorced the wife i spoke about for other reason a couple years later because she was violent. she had the bb gun, which i reported to the cops (didn't need to report that kind of gun, but she thankfully turned it in voluntarily) damned if i was going to get shot with it again!

shooting myself in the hand with a bb gun

long time lurker, first time poster here! excuse my poor writing skills. finally summer has arrived and in my natural teenager state i sleep way in and only get up to satisfy my gnawing hunger. making some ramen in a plastic container, (because who wants to actually cook) i zone out into thought about upcomming events. my hunger remaining unsatisfied, i absent-mindedly go to make more ramen in the microwave, forgetting the most important ingredient. water. i open it up after 3 minutes to loads of smoke, the smell of regrets, and charred ramen . to add to my misery of failing at making ramen of all things, i inhale too much smoke and start coughing badly, leaving a lingering sick feeling. i still have a massive headache and nausea like 7 hours later to remind me of my stupidty. to add to my peril, i also managed to break the microwave. how?? being an anxious mess and wondering how long it'll take for me to die since i inhaked smoke, i become jittery all day and later break down which only worsens the disaproval of the household. which makes me feel worse. fml

i'm an idiot.

going into autopilot

this was a few weeks ago now. i was removing my nail polish at my desk, laptop in front of me, bottle of remover beside it. and although i'm a clumsy doof, i've never knocked the bottle over before. except this time i do. i accidentally backhand it... *away* from my laptop. had i let gravity take its course, i would have had some wet, alcohol-smelling pens. but nooo. i had to try and catch it. my hand shot out, knocked the bottle upright... and then it fell the other way, over my laptop keyboard. i have a bit of cloth for wiping my screen. it mops up all the remover i can see, but it's already seeped under the keys. turn off laptop and hope. that night, the keys are suuuper janky. can't even sign back in. next morning, i can just about sign back in, but keys are still hanky and i have to disable cmd and all the f1, f2, etc keys. several weeks later, keys still randomly type or just don't work, but it could have been a lot worse. i'm just glad this was *after* i finished my assignments!

bottle of nail polish remover fell, tried to catch it, knocked it onto laptop, cmd, z, 0, f keys and backspace are all now terrible.

trying to catch a bottle

this actually happened today and i feel incredibly frustrated with myself, but happy that people helped me out. i have a friend who was in my school's boarding school (we just graduated high school). he was from the british virgin islands, and we have been planning to make a trip there. this included about eight friends. today was the day we were all going to take a charter flight. like a huge fucking dipshit, i forgot to pack my passport. my parents are divorced and i left it in my mom's house, while i am now in my dad's. i had the realization that i did not have the single most crucial thing on me the hour before the charter flight. i flipped the house upside down, begging that it was in this house. if was not. my mom had coincidentally just left on a plane today also. i had no way to enter my house. eventually between the combined efforts of a few family members and a locksmith i was able to crack open the apartment door, with my mom's consent to do this. i will join up with my friends tomorrow. i feel terrible that i had to worry people to work this out, and also that now my friend's family needs to worry about my arrival tomorrow, but it is what it is. (

i forgot my passport, for a charter flight, and i had to call up a locksmith to crack into my mom's house.)

almost couldn't go on a trip with some friends.

*this happened a few weeks ago* i was in a doctors office where my mother worked as a secretary, she was standing next to one of her bosses, a doctor, and suggesting something for my cold, i said the words "that's retarded" to one of her retarded suggestions not knowing that the doctor in front of me had a son who was retarded, who happened to work in the building and was not, oh i don't know, 20 feet from me! the doctor looked at me with such disgust. i forgot to mention i had no idea about this fuck up until i got in my mothers car later that day and she started to flip out on me. my mom was friends with that man beforehand, he would help her out around the house all types of nice things but now i fucked up there relationship with my no filter mouth.

i said the words "that's retarded" in front of my mothers boss who's son is retarded, not knowing he was 20 feet away from me.

saying the word retarded

i got home from school at 15h30, where we have been treated terribly for the past 2 months and given tonnes of work without proper teaching (all with the teacher's excuse being: "you're in twelfth grade. this is how life is. just do it!") today we did no work, despite having less than 6 months left to cover almost 3 terms of work. i got home and got a phonecall. my mom needed me to help her with some work, as she isn't the best with computers. i called an uber and spent over an hour at her work trying to find the right files, going home, and only then starting this work. i persevered solidly on over 15 different files until about 20h30pm but was oblivious to knowing that i worked in damaged files. _my laptop has been damaging files lately by means of "losing" portions of previously saved work, resulting in documents missing *vital* parts._ i worked hard on these 15 files, but was unaware of the missing parts. everything seemed normal to me. i had seen the files about a week ago and so their previous format was ingrained in my mind. i had no idea that they had tables and stuff added, as well as formatting changed extensively. my mom came upstairs to check how i was doing. i said it was going alright, and everything seemed normal, but i did have a huge issue locating the files. she said they were in a desktop folder but i argued and said that there was no such folder. i found the files in the windows explorer, in the operating system's folder. she made me check the recycle bin, to no avail, and proceeded to peer around the screen (the laptop and i were facing her where she stood and so she wasn't able to see the screen prior to peering...) when she saw the document i was on, she became confused and grabbed the laptop. she started looking through the various documents i had finished, desperately looking for the most recent changes, which weren't there as these were older documents. she started panicking. she got upset and started saying how she was at risk of losing her job (she is a private school teacher and these documents were heading off to the education authority on friday, but had to be in tomorrow). she left the laptop and hurried to her office to grab previously printed documents of the same nature, and i followed her, setting myself and the laptop down on the two large steps between the lounge and dining area (open-plan). i had the laptop at an angle on the top step and a corner of it was sticking out over the edge of the step. now, i often have sudden muscular spasms and unfortunately had one while my hand was under that edge of the laptop which so happily sat over the edge of the step. my hand shot up, lifting the laptop approxiamately 10-15cm (4-6 inches) and allowing it to crash back down onto the step. it all happened so fast. well. the screen goes black and there is a quick white flicker for about a second or two, then the screen reverts to black. my mom hears this crash and rushes out the office. she sees the black screen and starts screaming. she thinks i hit the laptop, as i was moaning at it earlier and getting quite angry as it was being slow. i tried to deny the physical attack, and turned it off and back on while she screamed. it comes up with the following error message after the start up logo: ```internal hard disk drive not found``` ``` to resolve this issue, try to reseat the drive.``` ```no bootable devices--strike f1 to retry boot, f2 enter setup menu, f5 enter psa``` my mom sees this screen, not knowing what it means, but quickly realising that the computer is, well, basically dead. she starts freaking out more than she already was. she starts crying and getting very angry. i try to console her and apologise but she pulls away and shouts for me to leave her alone. she starts pacing up and down, and is absolutely beside herself. i desperately sprint to the tool box, grab an appropriate screwdriver and turn off the laptop, remove the battery and attempt to reseat the hdd. i do this and turn it on. same error message. i still have a distraut mother who now risks losing her job (it's that serious. no computer = no job) and i come to terms with what _i_ have done. i'm done with this now. i have had nothing but hardship this past year and this was me at my breaking point. i now start contemplating suicide and head off to my 2^nd floor balcony and look over the 3ft high wall surrounding it. i take a step back, and sit down. i try calling someone to calm me down, and eventually i am calmed marginally, and i head downstairs to calm my mother. she is a little calmer now, but i continue removing and replacing the drive and googling for a solution. nothing helps. the hdd is dead. i calm my mother and she goes to phone her friend so she can just relax. (the friend has always been a calming mechanism for her) an hour or so later, my mom is in bed, i'm upstairs on my room's balcony. the laptop is unable to be revived and i start realising that i have killed our only computer, probably screwed my mother's job over, and lost a whole presentation and speech for class the next day, which i have put off already for 4 days. _*i start doing something damn stupid.*_ i decide suicide is the answer... i sit on the wall of the balcony and ponder ways to jump to cause either maximum injury, or death. i quickly back out and decide that this is a bad idea and call my local suicide prevention hotline. i talk with a guy who helps me get off the wall and back to safety and encourages me to call an ambulance to take me to hospital where i can get meds and professional help. i end the call and rather start talking to an intl. whatsapp group i'm on where i get helped and further calmed. they are really supportive and each member deserves a medal! i am calmed and lock up the balcony, pack away the laptop, and get into bed, leaving all the problems for tomorrow. i go to sleep, tired and groggy from the stress filled night, and hope it never happened (but sadly, it did.) i have a problem though: i have to rewrite a speech which took a day of research and extensive work on visual and audio aids which are now all gone. edit: i plan to have the laptop looked at on the weekend by techxperts, so hopefully it is alright. i put it in the cupboard and jokingly said i don't want to see it until saturday. edit 2: techxpert looked at it and said either we could claim from insurance or have the hdd replaced... insurance luckily agreed to give us a payout (double the value of the damaged article) and so we had the choice between a mac or a windows laptop, which is more powerful than the one i destroyed, but we decided to stick with windows... mom kept job and i am sane again. no problems whatsoever now and everyone is happy. *

worked in wrong files when helping mom with work. sat on steps with laptop hanging off edge. had muscle spasm. hit laptop. killed hdd. laptop dead. mom distraught. risk of losing job. i lost all her data and my schoolwork including presentation for school the next day. contemplate suicide. made calls and spoke to people. no suicide anymore. bad day ahead.*

killing my laptop's hdd and risking my mom's job and my health... [long]

this happened yesterday, and i am still feeling the pain now. so i was working my usual monday shift at the fast food place i work at, dropping food in the fryers, same old same old. mondays tend to be slower then most days, so i was just on my phone while talking to a coworker. well i (had) a galaxy s7 edge with no case, and those things can be pretty slippery. so dumbly, i was look at instagram while by the fryers, and saw a funny meme. when i went to show my coworker, my phone slipped out of my hand and fell in the fryers. now i kinda expected what was to come, so we both ran, as hot oil proceeded to blow everywhere. it still hit me and my coworker, me worse (of course), as i now have several burns all over my body. even worse, i'm out of a $700 phone & got written up by my gm for being on my phone and ruining the oil. oh yeah, the mess wasn't fun to clean either.

- phone in fryer = boom

dropping my phone in a deep fryer.

hello guys, tifu by cleaning my computer, it happened 3 or 4 hours ago. so tomorrow i have an oral exam which is part of the french baccalaureate, the subject is tpe (travaux pratiques encadrés) it's in two parts. first you got to write a 40~ pages essay in 3 months on a topic you choose which is mixing two school subjects, i got to mix maths and biology. then you got to give a speech to some teacher about your essay in 15 minutes and then answer questions for 20 minutes. so i choose the biometric since i like algorithms. i gave my essay to the teachers 3 weeks ago and tomorrow is the oral part. i also made a facial recognition algorithm which can learn and recognize people in live stream and i was going to show it to the teacher. so i was going to work on my powerpoint to illustrate my speech when i noticed the black crap on my keyboard. i decided to shat it down, i unplugged the charging cable and spray antistatic cleaning foam on the keyboard, waited a minute and wiped it off. then i started it up and it worked perfectly, i googled up why is there different types of coca cola screw caps, i scroll down when suddenly a message box appeared with a power logo at the left hand side of the box. i hadn't had time to read the message before my computer's screen went black. so i thought it may have been water damages due to the -so called- antistatic cleaning foam and therefore i opened it wild and put it keyboard and screen facing down on my bed to avoid more water from flowing in. 30 min later i took the hairdryer and blast it on the keyboard to evaporate the water. when i started the laptop up it booted… then shutdown unexpectedly in the loading process (it's a macbook pro early 2015 13" retina). so i tried to launch the safe boot but it was frozen in the booting process when i was pressing shift. therefore i rebooted and pressed alt and it showed the main hdd but right before i even tried to do something it stopped. so i tried to boot up in single user mod and i kept pressing cmd + s and it booted ! :yay: then i released the keys and it shat down … :booo: i understood that it was an hardware issue since the single user mod don't load a lot of drivers and so i realize it was a keyboard problem. in fact, the water did something to the power keystroke and locked it so every time i boot, the power button is virtually pressed and the mac shut down. i finally managed to boot in normal mod by… keeping the cmd keystroke pressed ! if i press another key then the system ignore the power button and works perfectly however if i release all the keys for more than 5 seconds then the mac shut down. so now i'm waiting for the apple genius to call me back and if i really can't fix my computer before tomorrow then i'll open it, remove the hdd and exchange it with father's one who own the same model so i could use it for my oral exam. i hope this heart transplantation won't kill my father's warranty tho… oh and btw my program can only run on my computer since it need some dependencies that i compiled by my own. ([here](https://github.com/blackrainb0w/learn-n-recognize-cpp) is the github to the program)

i tried to clean my computer with computer cleaning products, it didn't boot up afterwards, i got an official exam for which i worked 3 months, if i can't fix it i got to do computer version of heart transplantation.

cleaning my computer

so i'll start with some background, i have a co-worker who is extremely germophobic. we've worked in the same department for about a month now, and we pretty much hate eachother mutually. the reason i constantly bother him is because he's a super devout christian, he passed out these little sky wizard packets for some fundraiser at his church, and i basically drew a bunch of dicks and gave it back to him, and told him to stop bothering me. (side note: can i report him for handing out those pamphlets?) so from day one we've disliked eachother. over the next few days i noticed some weird quirks that he has, he keeps multiple bottles of sanitizer (both spray and regular pump bottles). this guy even has a personal fridge to keep his food uncontaminated (wtf?). one day i decided to engage him in a conversation to see what i could do to get revenge on this religious plaguing douchebag, and he's surprisingly pretty likeable, but this doesn't excuse his intolerance. i bring the conversation to the subject of phobias by mentioning that i'm claustrophobic, and he then tells me that he has extreme germophobia, he even has to take anti-anxiety meds to deal with it (i almost lost it at this part, but i managed to make it back to my desk before i burst out laughing). so after learning about his phobia, the real fun began. i started messing with him in subtle ways like acting offended when he wouldn't accept a handshake, or acting hurt when he turned down my home made chicken alfredo. i eventually got carried away, doing things like licking his water bottle, leaving my tissues on his desk, and moving his food into the break room, but the best is when i left a surprise in the break room toilet. i thought this was just friendly banter but this dude actually flipped out and had a full blown panic attack, he was screaming and acting like a madman, i thought for sure i was finally going to get him fired but now he's suing me for harassment. on top of that he filed a complaint with the shift leaders and got me terminated from my job. so today was my first day without work since i graduated high school, i hired an attorney and hopefully i'll get everything sorted out, i filed a wrongful termination suit against my employer, and i'm looking into suing my co worker for defamation. edit: can a lawyer outright refuse a case? i offered the correct amount of money but he refuses to defend. can i sue his firm citing the amendment right to an attorney? edit2: both of my cases have been declined, can i'd defend on my own behalf? i really need my job back as soon as possible edit3: is it possible, if i convinced my co-worker to vouch for me, that i could overturn the termination somehow? like get him to say that it was all friendly jokes? **final edit:** lmao at all the sjws that showed up in my thread, go back to tumblr you losers

i got fired for promoting religious tolerance at work, looking to sue for wrongful termination and defamation

getting fired for promoting religious tolerance at work

this happened about 5 years ago. so i used to go to a private charter school and they had strict uniform rules. where you have to wear a specific color shirt assigned to your grade level and black pants or black shorts with black/white/gray shoes and when wearing shorts, socks had to be white or black. one day in the summer i want to wear shorts because it was hot and it was summer but i had ran out of my white and black socks. i hadn't done laundry in a while so i decided to use some blue socks. i got to school like it was a regular day. but i always used to get to school like 5 mins before class started. i got to my class and sat down within seconds of sitting down the principal pulls me out of class and takes me to the office. they wanted me to call my parents and tell them to bring me different socks. i told them, "nope not doing that, they are working!" which they did not like that response so they told take off your socks. at this point im getting frustrated, so i tell them, "who the fuck do i look like walking around without socks and that's fucken disgusting." let me remind you i'm in the office so everyone looks at me like "wow" so they then tried to give me paper bags to use as socks. which i refuse to use and just kept arguing with them. at the very end they just ended up getting frustrated with me and not giving a shit about the socks but i got a week of detention.(detention was an hour long but you had to write an essay in there explaining what you did "wrong" and how to correct it. if you didn't finish the essay in the hour they would keep you until you finish it.) i thought it was stupid getting detention for a week for wearing socks! so i decided to not go to the week of detention. which led to a parent conference and i ended up getting two weeks of detention with 2 saturday detentions (saturdays detention was 4hours long) and had to pick up trash at lunch for a week. the principal would go to my class before lunch and pull me out 5 mins before the bell rang to make sure i had gloves and a bag. at the end of lunch i had to show at least 1 bag full of trash (huge black bags) or else more detention and more lunch pick up.

had strict uniform rules in school. i disobeyed them and argued with the principal. which led to detention which i skipped. which led to parent conference and double detention and had to pick up trash at lunch.

wearing the wrong socks.

so, i was a sewer worker before this incident and was called in to work on some of the main sewage lines at a school. to do this, i had to move away some ceiling tiles and climb up to reach the pipes. i was working on the pipes and needed to work on the backside of one of the pipes which was out of my reach. what i did was try to stand on another pipe to try to reach the pipe i needed to work on. judging by the title of this thread, you can guess what happened next. the pipe wasn't strong enough to hold my weight and broke. what made it even worse was that it was the pipe the sewage had been diverted through while we were doing the work on the other pipes. sewage spilled all over the hallway. school had to be canceled and it took a team of 15 people the better part of a day to clean that shit up (pun intended). i was fired (obviously) and am now trying to find a job.

stood on main sewer pipe in school. sewer pipe breaks and floods school with sewage. school is canceled and i get fired.

breaking a ceiling sewer pipe.

obviously not today. this was summer of 2014. i was living near my school, umass amherst, for the summer, but would drive to my parents place on long island every few weeks for various reasons. not a bad drive. 178 miles door to door, 3 hours on the button. needless to say, driving 360 miles constantly on top of a summer job that required a lot of driving, my car needed to get 2 oil changes over the course of the summer. i got my first one but was very busy (read lazy) and continuously avoided getting the second oil change. i was halfway between new haven and hartford in ct when my car's check engine light started flashing, and my car's engine started to sputter. i pulled off the highway and headed towards a gas station. i hit a red light half a block from the station, but when i went to hit the gas, my car didn't move. when i restarted my car, i was able to ride it into the gas station. i quickly ran and grabbed some motor oil and poured it in the engine and the car would run, but the engine was still sputtering. i pulled into a garage and explained the situation. they looked at it for about 5 minutes and came back to me, saying my car had 0 oil in it before i dumped more in and something hit something in my engine. they could either tear apart my engine, replace it entirely, or scrap the car. i called my dad, in tears. he was obviously unhappy but agreed to leave work in the middle of the day to pick me up. we didn't talk for the first hour of the drive but i could feel the heat coming off him for how angry he was. when we got back home i basically grabbed dinner, borrowed my moms car for a week and drove back to ma. we ended up replacing the engine and i'm still driving the car now. my dad still asks if i need an oil change ~once a month.

i didn't get an oil change and cost my parents $3,000 and a day of work.

not getting my oil changed

our dryer had been making this loud banging noise for the past week. so here i am thinking i am the man, will just order the new wheels and get the belt and replace it myself. get the parts today and begin taking the dryer apart. for anyone not familiar with this, it sucks. you have to take apart the entire dryer to replace the wheels all the way down to removing the dryer drum. it took forever. anyway! i get it all done, put it back together, plug it in and test it out. hell yeah! it works perfectly and the banging is gone. oh wait, extra screws? crap, i must have forgotten to screw in something. ugh, guess i'll take the faceplate off again. so i disassemble the faceplate for the second time. disconnect the wire harness and find where the missing screws belong. i screw them all in and position the faceplate back and - pop!!! huge sparks i jump back oh shit!!! standing there dumbfounded i see i forgot to unplug the dryer after i tested it. i completely fried it. just got off the phone with sears. had to order a new wiring harness. $85 mistake.

spent several hours fixing my dryer. got it fixed. forgot to unplug it and blew the wiring harness. $85 mistake.

trying to fix my dryer

didn't actually happen today, as usual, but on the day of my high school graduation a few years ago. this especially goes out to high school graduates. first of all, here is some backstory on me that adds to how i got to my tifu i come from a small town with a decently well known njrotc unit. for those who do not know naval junior reserve operations training corps, or njrotc, is basically military school super downgraded and integrated into normal high school. i live in a military town so this is very normal. not to mention my dad was in the military himself. so, like many other bright eyed yungins, freshman year of high school i joined and long story short by senior year i got the rank of cadet lt. commander and become a part of what's basically the top nine that run the unit of over 300 students. with my achievements, i was picked to be a part of the group that does "honor guard". and for those who don't know, basically the people in special ceremonies that create those sword arches for people to walk under. i did a few throughout my senior year. then came graduation and of course the graduating class gets to walk under them. but since i'm a senior, my underclassmen have to do it. on the day of my actual graduation, it was one final graduation ceremony practice that morning. that's when my instructor (in the njrotc, we call our teachers by their rank, not necessarily mr./ms. and call them instructors), commander as we called him, came out with the ceremonial swords on his golf cart for my underclassmen to practice with us. well, it was a little before the actual walking under the swords practice was starting so myself and other seniors who were a part of the ceremonial team decide to look and the swords. [here](http://imgur.com/a/ynqb7) is a picture of what we worked with. well, as we were looking at them, one that was resting on the golf cart started to slip out. and here my fellow redditors, is where i fuck up. by pure instinct, i tried to catch the sword. keep in mind, these aren't exactly the sharpest swords, but these are still swords. not only did i not catch it, but the tip hit the side of my right hand's palm. it stung like a bitch, then it went past. my commander asked what the hell i was doing, and responded weakly, "not much sir..." i felt nothing afterwards and assumed that it was just like a papercut and went back in line because we were starting practice. but as we were walking, i felt a drip down my pinkie and then looked down at my hand. that's when i found a red 0.3 cm gap (i measured afterwards) on the side of my hand along with small trails of blood running down my pinkie. i kid you not when i say i felt my heart skip a beat and blood rush down my head (towards my hand probably). that's when i walked out of the line, saying nothing to anybody, and straight to the nurses office. now i may be from a small town but the high school is old and big, and it was about more or less 1000 feet from our mini football stadium to the main part of the school. so, slowly but surely i walked that entire way there. it was about 1/4th of the way that the pain started to kick in. with each step was another sting in my hand with a small drop of blood coming out of the valley on the side of my hand. i felt my hand starting to shake. after enduring that journey i reached the nurses office. she was on the phone so i walked in and calmly took a seat. luckily she was finishing up her phone call and got to me almost right away. she hung the phone and asked "what can i do for ya today sweetie?" it must of been because of how bright the room was but she looked like an angel the moment she asked. i responded, "well i got this with me," and put up my hand that now had two dried up rivers of blood coming out. she did the normal "ouuuuu, that can't feel too good. go wash that off and i'll start cleaning it". i went to the sink and washed off the blood off my hand but my cut stung as the rushing water went through it. and just when i thought it couldn't stung further, my angel gave me tough love by cleaning and stinging me and the same time. we talked a bit about how this happened and how the mind can do stupid things on autopilot. after some observation she said, "well, luckily you don't need stitches. but you definitely need to cover that up. maybe some medicine (that she legally couldn't give) to help the pain cause i'm pretty sure that hurts." she called my mom, covered up my fuck up, and sent me on my way back to practice. luckily there was only about 45 minutes of practice left, but it was a long 45 minutes because my hand still hurt bad. afterwards i drove home where my mom gave me medicine which helped a lot. now you think this would be over, but remember my title. this happened on the actual day of my graduation. which meant i had to go through 2+ hours with a beat up hand on one of the day of "another chapter opening". i got dressed up, took pain medicine, wrapped up my hand, and went to my high school. oh, and did i mention that i was in the jazz band? it's a given that the jazz band plays for about a *full hour* before the ceremony starts. luckily i played the trombone so it wasn't too hard to play. however, that didn't excuse the journey of carrying a [bass trombone](http://imgur.com/a/k01cq) and its case for, like i said, 1000 ft. that went over all fine, hand didn't hurt too bad except when we played fast songs (i was losing grip because of the slight stinging), finished playing, and went to start the actual graduation ceremony. it was nice, like many other graduations, yadda yadda, and now for the last part/ why this tifu is so long. the ceremony was only about half an hour before the name calling part when my medicine started to wear off. my hand started stinging and stinging hard. after enduring that, it was time for names. mine was called, i was actually really happy, got up on stage, and that's when i remembered how much the next 30 seconds were gonna hurt. as soon as i shook hands with my principal i realized that i'm going to shake hands with a lot of teachers, most of which have strong grips. i went through one by one, getting my cut hand squeezed into absolute pain with the worst being from two of my nj instructors who were ex-military. even though their's hurt the most, i knew it was out of student-teacher love because i've been with them for four straight years. finished handshaking, sat back down, and enjoyed the rest of the night after more medicine my parent's brought just in case. edit: here's a quick pic of the cut after two years, not that big but still: http://imgur.com/8j8evey and some formatting.

tried to catch a sword on the day of my high school graduation, got cut decently bad, played music with it, and shook and hands with people who have some monster grips (out of love)

trying to catch a sword on the day of my high school graduation

this actually happened some years ago but i think it still has some contemporary matter - more or less. it was a regular monday. it's early in the morning and i have my troubles lifting my tired body out of my bed. after hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock for about 7 times i finally decided it was time to get ready for school. that was when i noticed a gentle pressure in my bowel area. i try to make my way to the bathroom in order to eject some bone-free mass. as i already mentioned it was early in the morning and i was tired and a bit sloppy. so i drop myself towards the toilet's bowl. unfortunately, i stand about 1 foot away from the edge of the closet, which inevitably makes me lose my equilibrium sense. i panic and start to wave my hands through the air while my body makes his way to the bathroom's floor at a tearing pace with my buttocks ahead. i hit the ground and start screaming through the whole house. the pain is unbearable. my mom nips into the bathroom, watching me, laying on the ground with my pants around my feet and my ass stretched out to the door. she vainly tries to suppress her laughter and doesn't really notice my poverty at first. i can't hold it against her though. i probably would have reacted in a similar fashion. that's, however, the last thing i remember. i must have fainted due to the great pain i was in. when i woke up in the hospital it turned out that my tailbone was broken and i also had sprained my wrist by hitting the radiator. i wasn't able to sit properly for about 2 months and i used to sit on a circular pillow with a hole inside, which also gave me my nickname that has been sticking with me until now. my classmates refer to me as donut man since then.

tried to sit down on the toilet, it was early in the morning, i hit the ground due to the wrong estimation of the distance between me and the toilet, crushed my tailbone and sprained my wrist in the process.

taking a dump and crushing my tailbone in the process

this was actually last night... i was making a salad and wanted some protein, so i decided to hard-boil an egg. i was really hungry and really impatient, so i decided to google how to hard-boil an egg in the microwave. it seemed easy enough, so i popped the egg in a bowl of water and started the microwave. with twenty seconds left on the microwave, i heard this loud "pop" noise from the microwave and thought... "oh, shit." within seconds, water poured out of the microwave under the door. it was like the blood pouring out of the elevator in the shining or something. i don't know how that happened, though, because when i opened the door of the microwave, the bowl was intact. the egg had exploded all over the inside of the microwave, obviously. i started cleaning up the mess when i realized - the microwave had turned itself off. at first i thought it was broken, but then i realized that the oven had turned off too. the microwave is fine... the outlets aren't.

i was too lazy to boil an egg on the stove, and now half the outlets in the kitchen don't work.

hard-boiling an egg.

this did actually happen today - first time for everything. so i was clearing out our garden, which is extremely overgrown with a variety of weeds and trees alike. many of said trees are ugly and/or in the way so i took to the saw to remove them. none were particularly large trees, 5-6m at most so i was pretty lax about hacking them down. i got through 2 without any trouble, but the third was a different story. as i was nearly through the 'trunk', about 3/4 of the way, i heard a loud snap. obviously this was the tree beginning to fall, so i gave it a little shove to get it going. it didn't budge much at all. so i took to the saw again. as soon as i bent over to finish the job however, the tree fell extremely quickly. would have been fine except..... one branch drove straight at my crotch and inevitably, had to get the perfect ball shot. it was excruciatingly bad, worsened as the falling tree dragged a hideously large bramble across my leg. i am (hopefully) still fertile.

chopped a tree in my garden down, branch hit my knob and it dragged a large bramble across my leg. painful.

felling some trees

obligatory on mobile, sorry for formatting and whatnot. so this fuckup actually happened yesterday. i live in the northern us but i'm currently traveling in the deep south for my brother's college graduation. at home i live in a very big city so i'm not around a lot of nature, and the only bugs that will bother you are mosquitoes. the graduation ceremony was yesterday morning. afterwards everyone left the auditorium and gathered in an outdoor courtyard area so that families could take nice photos. now, this is where my fuckup begins. i noticed a magnolia tree with absolutely huge flowers. they were at least three times as big as the magnolia flowers i'm used to up north. i decided to take a selfie next to one of the flowers to show that it was even bigger than my face. i casually stepped off the concrete path and go over to the tree, paying no attention to the ground at my feet. i take a few selfies and start walking back over towards my family. a few seconds go by and suddenly my feet are burning. i have very sensitive skin and often have reactions to soaps/lotions/etc, so my first thought was am i somehow having a delayed reaction to the hotel soap? but why would only my feet be affected? and that's when i see the woman next to me pulling off her shoes and swatting frantically at her feet, and it hits me. ants. that's why my feet are burning. now, i am terrified of ants. i don't like bugs in general but for some reason ants freak me out more than anything. i immediately panic and pull off my shoes and of course, my feet are covered in angry, biting fire ants. to make things worse i was wearing a long dress so some of the ants started crawling up it. at this point i'm in full on panic mode, i start physically shaking and i can't breath and i feel like i'm going to pass out. i somehow manage to get the ants off of me and then all i can do is stand there, trembling. my family was busy taking photos and congratulating my brother, so they were unaware of my plight. finally i hobble over to my family and tell them what happened. i'm shaking worse and worse and am on the verge of tears. my wonderful loving brother calls me a dumbass and informs me that around here there are fire ants everywhere and you need to be really careful when not on a paved path. (thanks for the advanced warning, bro). at this point i'm obviously not okay so my mom offers to take me inside to find a bathroom so i can get cleaned up and calm down. now somehow this manages to get even worse. i turn around to go inside and that's when i see the anthill. it's massive, and swarming with the most ants i've ever seen at once. this visual is all it takes to push me over the edge into a terror induced flight response. i let out a high pitched shriek and take off running, barefoot, dress hiked way up, shoving my way through crowds of unsuspecting families trying to take photos with their graduates. everyone stops and stares, wondering who the hell is this crazy chick and what the hell is she doing. i finally get to a bathroom, and after fifteen minutes of continuously washing me feet i start to feel a little better. somehow in my panicked mad dash i managed to get a pretty deep gash on my big toe, and there's a good amount of ant bites on my feet, but i'm mostly okay. i feel terrible that my dumbassery caused at least one other person to get attacked by an angry ant mob. for the rest of the trip i'll be avoiding any unpaved ground at all costs. the selfie did turn out cute though.

traveling to an area that (unbeknownst to me) has angry bugs that will attack you. tried to take a selfie with a giant flower and managed to step on a colony of fire ants. the angry ant mob swarmed into a crowded post-graduation ceremony and attacked at least one other person. chaos ensued.

stepping on a colony of fire ants during my brother's college graduation

right, there isn't really a good way to start this so here's abit of context. i haven't seen my girlfriend in 3 months, she has just came back from a long trip out of the country and i haven't really spoke to her until the last week approached. this was due to a lack of mobile signal/communication available during this trip. so when we met up again we were very happy to see each other. the day started good, we went out shopping, got drinks and took a taxi back to her parents place (we're both 18, living with our parents). meet and greet with them once again and everything is going smooth. we go upstairs and put a film on, ofcourse since we haven't really done anything in a few months one thing eventually led to another and we're doing it. there was little to no fore-play, which could have been a cause for this problem. anyways, i'm 6'2 - which isn't too tall in this country, however she is 5'5. so sex isn't really comfortable for one of us, so i tend to change positions often. so i pull out and move her, i go to go back in and.... riiiiiiiiippppppppppppp immense pain followed. i pulled out and saw blood squirt directly out of the tip of my dick. she looks at me only slightly concerned and i cannot remember the rest. the next thing i know i had my head suspended over the toilet and could not hear a thing. she told me that i was asking for tissue and fainted, when i got up i stumbled to her bathroom and that's how i ended up there. when i looked up i had my clothes back on and her mum was asking what was wrong with me, i told her it was just a bad nose bleed (to explain the blood on my hands and the fact that i was just fucking her daughter) and she helped me feel abit better. i get home later that night and there is a massive tear down the side of my dick, guess i'm out of the game for a few weeks.

had sex with my girlfriend, go in too hard and rip my foreskin, faint because of shock and go temporarily deaf as a result of fainting, her mum becomes suspicious and now i have a ripped dick.

swapping position during sex.

so this isn't really today, but rather a summary of my last couple of lobster filled days and how i made a 150 mile journey to put a lobster in the sea. so i'm a student and since coming to university i eat a lot of fish. like 5/6 times a week. the only way to afford this is to prepare my food from scratch - including preparing my own fish (£15 salmon can feed a man for two weeks) so i'm not squeamish - it also means i have a healthy working relationship with my local fishmonger. every single trip, he will have some wild caught, exotic, fancy, or otherwise intriguing catch. there will be a little barter, i'll probably buy it. **wednesday** this day is no different, i walk in looking for some coley (great alternative to cod, please try it, sustainable), when the fishmonger is like "ah my friend! only the best for you? i have the special stock out back" of course i want the special stock. so he goes out back, and brings back this little fella, beautifully blue, with just one antenna, he puts it on the table. it wiggles that little antenna at me... and in that moment, i decided that the lobster in front of me was special. i say that i'll decide if i want it tomorrow. i go home... distressed? i don't know why - but in those small moments i emotionally connected with a fucking lobster. i go on a panicked 2 hour frenzy (this is the middle of exam season, i should be revising) looking for tanks, looking up lobster information, trying to work out how i will hide a lobster in my room. eventually i realise that there is no way of keeping this lobster. i try to find friends and family with tanks that have no fish, or someone that want's a pet lobster - nothing. i decide to purchase it, and try to find it a home, and if not, quickly put it down with a knife (instead of boiling, which i am confident, having read the scientific literature, causes a lobster distress and pain). **thursday** *i feel at this point i should inform you that my confused girlfriend now knows i am getting a pet lobster* now before i go to the fishmongers, i head to the supermarket. i need supplies to transport the lobster; and if i have to put it down, it will have a nice meal before it dies. i purchase the following 1) sea salt 2) ice 3) salmon, cod, prawns, broccoli, carrots (stuff that the internet said lobsters like) 4) tea towels 5) apple juice (to help me with the emotional stress i'm currently in) i go to pick it up, the fishmonger (ex-chef) asks if i want it boiled, i say no, and that i will cook it myself. he gives me seaweed to keep him comfy and hydrated in. i take it home. turns out the lobster is male. i name him qui-gon because there's always a bigger lobster. i take apart my plastic drawers, and pop him in one of them. along with the sea weed and food. i play some underwater sounds i downloaded on my phone. i take pictures and post pictures of him on pet sites on facebook looking for a home and/or a tank - my third plan, was now to house him at my parent's home. *at this point my family knows i own a pet lobster* oh, i have a 24 hour bug and feel very very sick? fantastic. wait? it's thursday - i'm meant to be making the two hour journey back home today - i have to be back to go to comic con on friday morning. but this little guy needs a home. being in a tank isn't good. he needs the ocean. anyways, me and qui-gon have a nice day. i work out a plan to get him to the sea. i'm too ill to make the 6 hour journey to skegness. however, i can make an hour and a half journey to my hometown, and my friend has offered to drive me the other hour and a half to southend the following evening. i put him on the side, fill the box with ice, place the first teatowel over the ice, then put him back in the box with some food, then food and seaweed. finally i put the second teatowel over the box to protect him from the sun. i've made up artificial saltwater to the correct concentrations to splash him with (not great, but should keep him hydrated). lots of train delays, tram delays, bus delays. should be home at 8, i get back at 10.30. me and qui-gon made a lot of friends - apparently you get attention when carrying a lobster on a 110 mile train journey. he's eaten some fish, seems happy. no signs of stress such as tail thrashing. i get him home and put the box back in the fridge. he seems a happy lobster. i check on him before bed. happy lobster. **friday** i wake up at like 7. i check on qui-gon. he is responsive and seems okay, i splash him a little more. i head to london comic con stuff - whilst filled with anxiety over his wellbeing. i get back, my friend informs me that there is a fish center that can take him, about 30 miles away - and keep him in suitable conditions. i agree on the condition that he will be released in cornwall (where he first came from). sadly, when i got home, he was unresponsive - after trying to get him to do stuff, gently brushing his eyes, unclipping his claws, etc. it's clear he is dead. i'm legitimately upset. a fully grown, 6ft, bearded man, may have cried over a lobster. however, he did eat the salmon and cod, and displayed no signs that he had thrashed or tried to escape, or was other wise stressed. it seems that he died whilst numbed from the cold of the fridge, hopefully asleep. i wrapped him in the seaweed so it would be like home, and went to the nearest lake, and eased him into the water. he didn't last long enough to get him proper help. i literally spent wednesday-saturday with my life revolving around looking up information, caring for, seeking help for, and transporting, a lobster. i do not like animals, i do not want pets. qui-gon was a special fella. **for those who asked** here are some pics https://imgur.com/gallery/10ur6

avid meat/fish eater. emotionally bonded with a lobster in a fishmongers. went on 120 mile (193km) journey in an attempt to return him to the sea. he died, now i am sad. however he had a nice couple of days eating fish and making friends.

befriending a lobster

so this actually happened yesterday, but anyway: i was at work, making food deliveries, on an extremely hot day (it was about 30 c in the sun). it was really on of the worst days i've had. i didn't sleep well, people on the streets were assholes, 12 hours in and still no tips (lol). since i was sitting around for a bit i decided to go buy some ice cream and make myself smile, since i really love ice cream. i get this delicious natural mango flavored ice cream scoop, and notice this guy carrying a bag coming straight at me even though he had the whole sidewalk. he ends up shoving me aside without even saying sorry. of course my ice cream, the only good thing that happened to me today, falls out of my hand and right onto the ground. i got pretty pissed and turned around hoping for him to apologize but he keeps on going forward. i ask him "hey do you know word sorry?" no answer. i walk a bit closer to him and say "hey, asshole i'm talking to you" still no answer. at this point, after the whole day of people being assholes, i walk up to him and push him. he falls on the ground, everything he had in his bag falls on the crosswalk and he just stares at me, shocked. after that his wife, who i guess was behind us, runs up screaming at me that her husband was rushing home with the groceries because they wanted to make it there and make food for their granddaughters birthday party and that he is, in fact, deaf. of course according to everyone there i'm the bad guy because i shoved him. since i live in a small town this story is going to get around pretty fast. yay me

after a long, hard and hot day at work i pushed a guy that shoved me aside and made me drop my amazing mango ice cream. turns out he is deaf and wanted to make it home in time for his granddaughters party.

pushing a deaf guy.

obligatory this happened around two weeks ago, not today. me and my buddy usually go on the roof to be stupid, but this time i went to the top for a football. my roof slants, like most, and the football was positioned right between two slopes. i climbed on this shaky ass ladder that was almost as shaky as me going onto the roof. i'm used to going on the roof, so i wasn't scared about that. i was scared about slipping, since it rained all day, and only at this moment it was clearing up. there was still water caught in the shingles, so i can't say i was thrilled to be going up there. i finally get up there after i don't know how long, and now it's me versus that football. i charge towards it, just eager to get it done, but before i can grab it, i begin slipping backwards. the whole time my knees are scraping off of the roof, and i prepare myself for the inevitable. at this point i'm wishing that good god can save me from this, but i know there is no saving me now. my buddy is drinking a capri-sun or some shit like that as he watches in awe. my face scrapes off of the corner of the roof as i start to plummet off. this was not a soft landing either, considering i fell about twenty feet. i try to position myself so i don't land on my head, but instead i flop on my side. instantly my hip begins burning and the impact propelled my head with such force that i rammed my two front teeth into my arm. no, they weren't stuck, but there was a pretty bad wound afterwards. as for my buddy, save me next time.

climbed roof for a football, ended up slipping off and fucking myself over

slipping off of a roof

obligatory "this didn't happen today" but in fact, this time last year. tl;dr below. i live in london, in a 3rd floor flat with an outdoor balcony. last summer, an expecting pigeon decided that my balcony was a verdant paradise and that the space behind a cluster of potted plants would be the perfect spot for her to raise her children. i brought mama pigeon a daily feast of whole foods nuts, seeds, goji berries, coconut flakes, etc so that she wouldn't have to travel far for food while keeping her precious eggs warm. (a friend: "goji berries?! they're not fucking macaws, they're london pigeons - just give those filthy shits a bit of kebab and stale cigarette butts!") clearly my delusions of being a disney princess with bird buddies who'd help me with my daily chores overrode any common sense that london pigeons are filthy pests and that they only thing you should feed them is a beakful of broom to their stupid cooing faces. the eggs hatch, and throughout their childhood i would continue to bring mama and her 2 (hideous) babies their assorted daily whole foods cornucopia (i sometimes experimented with variety - apparently pigeons do not like rice cakes). then one day i notice that mama pigeon had not returned for 2 whole days. upon closer inspection the nest was empty (save for a whole lot of bird crap and other delightful leavings) which i took to mean that the pigeons had finally found independence, and flew the coop so to speak. i reclaim my balcony; first by throwing away the empty nest and then disinfecting the site with an incendiary cocktail of baking soda, white vinegar, lemon juice, and for the finale; an entire bottle of bleach. i was finally satisfied with my cleaning efforts when i heard it: coo. coo. coo. i turned around to find 2 terrified adolescent pigeons hiding behind a plant pot, watching with horror as their once-food bringing caretaker destroyed their home. i ended up relocating the now-homeless, still-flightless winged rats to a plant box on the communal roof garden of my building. getting the 2 fledgling pigeons there was not easy - they may not yet have gained the power of flight but the little brats sure could put up a fight. picking them up to carry them upstairs was a struggle that involved a lot of frantic flapping, pecking, kicking, and scratching on their part (on the plus side i didn't contract bird flu, and may even be immune to it now). i resumed my previous routine of bringing them their daily bread, not so much out of duty or kindness but out of guilt. eventually the 2 fledglings left, presumably when they learnt to fly. mama pigeon never came back to the balcony to look for her young...until a few weeks ago, on a daily basis, to try and build a new nest on that now-hostile but once-friendly balcony that flowed with free food. apparently me running out to the balcony several times a day screaming: "fuck off! you're not getting another rent free-stay!" isn't clear enough that she's not welcome to defile my balcony with her wretched to-be spawn.

fed baby balcony pigeons and then accidentally made them homeless when i destroyed their nest. mother keeps coming back to try and lay more eggs.

made 2 fledgling pigeons homeless.

so this happened three years ago when i was an 18 year old in upper sixth (i think 12th grade/senior in yankspeak) and it was the leaving party our college (i'm from a chavvy county where most kids left school at 16 so those of us who did a levels and shit went to fe colleges) laid on for the students before a level exam season, which is generally reckoned one of the most stressful and high-pressured events in the life of a british teenager. a levels are generally aimed at students aiming to go to university to study academic subjects, and i had a first choice offer (so the universities make offers conditional on achieving certain final grades, you take a first choice and an insurance/reserve through the application system all uk universities use) to study history at one of the best regarded universities in the country for the humanities, no oxbridge but it was a respectable university in a town with a much higher quality of life than my hometown and i was genuinely excited to study at such a well-regarded university and leave a hometown i was starting to find stifling. the party was great fun, there was the usual wholesome alcohol-free (until we had left the college premises anyway) fun and games, bbq, sports matches, and several inflatable games, including a bouncy castle. after about 90 minutes of the fun and games, me and my mates are having loads of fun and running around like the 7 year olds we really were inside. i decided to get onto the bouncy castle, but in my excitement forgot you're supposed to take off your socks as well as your shoes so your feet grip to the rubber/fabric surface better. i then dived right on and slipped. *crunch* i fell sideways, and my shoulder literally crashed into the forehead of a hyperactive youth from lower sixth, and felt a sickening crunch inside my shoulder. walking away for about 30 feet, i realise something is terribly wrong before i finally give up the ghost and lie down before crying like a toddler out of pain. the college staff call an ambulance for me but the good folk at the ambulance service are having a bit of a rough day picking up the pieces of all the drunken outdoors antics that only take place in britain when it's sunny and the temperature is above 17 (seriously, a law from 1511 decrees no man may wear a shirt while in publicly owned parkland when the temperature is over 17) and tell me i can make my own way to the hospital. so they call me a taxi and i'm lying on the back seats of the 20 year old merc ferrying me to hospital, with a driver who didn't speak the best english and seemed to confuse "aahhhh fookin slow down mate" with "my dear fellow if you could go over the speed bumps a little more quickly my ride would be far more comfortable". after a few examinations and x-rays, including teenage self finding removing my top in front of the really fit radiographer slightly confusing, it is found that my shoulder is broken at the joint of the collarbone. as it happens, both my parents work in the hospital building, so they came down to accident and emergency fairly quickly, as mum is trying to suppress laughter as the details of the accident come out (juxtaposed with the other two broken shoulders that day, a rugby accident and a motorbike crash, mine was pathetic) and dad is shitting himself about the effects it will have on my a levels. oh yeah, those. i had a great time revising for the exams that would determine my future while spending the next fortnight doped up on painkillers. the college was good enough to get the exam board to let me have extra time in exams as well as typing (which was a long-standing arrangement owing to my cack-handed nature) but that doesn't really make much difference when you can hardly revise in the first place. anyway, so results day came round after a fairly boring summer, i had missed the required history grade by 0.5% and economics by 0.75%, which almost certainly wouldn't have happened if i had just taken my bloody socks off. my insurance university took me anyway, it's a good university with an equivalent reputation overall to my first choice but better known for engineering and physics, rather than my own subject area. my sister went to the same college as me, and her leaving party was a year ago. no bouncy castles or rough-housing games.

i missed out on going to my first choice university because i broke my shoulder on a bouncy castle after slipping because i forgot to take my socks off

not removing my socks before going on a bouncy castle

to put some context, the last days, especially yesterday, were hot, like very hot (30° c, 86° fahrenheit) and i'm currently studying for my finals (which is impossible with such temperatures). my student apartment is just below the roof of the house (so it's even hotter), so my windows are in the roof, inclined. to keep it from turning into a sauna, i leave the window just above my bed always opened. but today, when i woke up, the sky was grey, and it started raining a bit, but when i left for the library, the skies were getting blue and nice, so as usual, i let the window opened. big mistake. i live just next to the library, and barely 10 minutes after i had left my room...it started to rain again, put not your small summer rain, no...it was rather the usual belgian "go fuck yourself" rain, it lasted 10-15 minutes, but it rained really heavily, and since it's still pretty hot i had no vest, and even if i had run, i would have been completely soaked...so i just hoped it wouldn't get too much water on my bed. 30 minutes ago, i came back to eat and see the damages. at first sight, almost no water went in, the edge of my bed is however a bit wet, and underneath the edge, there is a small puddle. but then i remember that my floor is slightly tilted...i checked under my bed, only to see a giant puddle of water... so i moved the bed to the other side of the room, sacrificed a towel to absorb that filthy water, most of it gone and i'm letting it dry, hopefully there is no damage. so that's another proof that belgium weather is a fucking asshole.

left my window opened to avoid turning my place into a sauna, but actually turned it into a pool.

almost flooding my student apartment.