Datasets:

reddit_tifu

like 6

so yeah. there i was at the phoenix open with my girlfriend, her sister and her dad. as we're standing there at the 3rd hole, waiting to watch the next golfer tee off, i take the opportunity to slide my hand across my girlfriends ass and up her back. i then decide to whisper in her ear something naughty but no sooner does something pop in my head, do i turn and see my girlfriend... 10 feet away from me. her sister is just grinning.....

grabbed the wrong butt

not looking first...

this happened during my last year of middle school. i won’t be giving any information about when or where it happened for obvious reasons. i've been sitting on this secret for a long time (outside of close family members who i trust enough not to narc on me) so this is for catharsis more than anything. i figure that if there was ever a time to come clean, it would be anonymously online to thousands of strangers. anyways, i'll just start from the beginning. i was a pretty troubled kid growing up due to severe bullying and social isolation. i spent a lot of time in my own head or reading to avoid confrontation as much as humanly possible. one day near the end of the semester i was having an especially rough time with a group of girls who had set their sights on me that afternoon. it was just before my fifth period math class and several of those girls shared the class with me. i knew that they were going to spend the entire period making my life a living hell, and i’d already learned the hard way by then that telling the teacher was pointless. so, in a moment of fear-induced insanity i caught my math teacher (who i’ll call “mr. thompson”) just before he was about to go in the room. i then proceeded to tell him the worst lie i could possibly think of. in my defense, i just wanted to avoid being tormented all day by bullies. i didn't have the balls to outright skip though and at that point all of the teachers refused to send me to the nurse anymore because of how often i asked. still, in hindsight i realize what a massive asshole i was for doing this. “i think saw a kid in a hoodie with a gun walking around outside during recess.” mr. thompson went pale and looked like he was about to pass out right then and there. he quickly shut the door to the classroom and locked it before grabbing my hand and practically sprinting with me down to the main office. i sat in the waiting area while he went into the principal’s office. her office had a large window on the side of it so i could see them talking frantically to each other. at this point i realized just how massively i’d fucked up and could feel a heavy sinking feeling starting to form in my stomach. that feeling got about twenty times worse when the principal announced an official school lockdown and the police were called. until they arrived i was put in the office supplies storage room with two high school girls. they had come over from the connected high school area to make some paper letters for a poster and spent most of the time crying and hiding in the corner. i wanted to reassure them that they weren’t in any real danger but i couldn’t do that without exposing my secret. i felt like dog shit at the point for scaring so many people with my lie, but i was in way too deep at this point to come clean. i was also too busy trying to desperately brainstorm ways to extract myself from this clusterfuck of a situation. this was a small town so the police didn’t take long getting there, and holy fuck there were a lot of them. at least three cop cars showed up with their sirens blaring and i was ready to piss my pants. how the fuck was i going to get out of this situation without getting in a massive amount of legal trouble and/or expelled? the principal came to get me and brought me to her office where two of the police men were waiting. they spent the next thirty minutes grilling me about where i saw this person, what they looked like, and so on while the other officers searched the building with their guns drawn! even though i was nervous as hell and lying through my teeth i still had a large enough vocabulary and imagination from reading to come up with a semi-believable fake description. i told them that he’d been wearing blue jeans and a red hoodie but that i hadn’t seen his face. they spent the next couple hours searching every inch of the school for the fake gunmen but obviously found nothing. the lockdown was lifted and everyone was sent home early. after that day the entire situation was never mentioned again for whatever reason. i guess that since i never admitted to lying they didn’t have any reason to punish me. occasionally i'll try to find an article or news segment about it online but haven’t found anything yet. i transferred to a new school soon after that (for unrelated reasons) and ever since then i've done my best to forget about all the chaos i caused that day.

i wanted to skip class one day because of bullies so i lied and told my teacher someone had a gun in school and got the whole campus put on lockdown and the police called. somehow i managed to get out of the situation unscathed.

lying about a school shooter and getting the entire school put on lockdown

this happened around 11:30pm last night. it was my day off work and i had been helping my family remodel our laundry room because we had an appraiser coming the next day. we had to rip up flooring & trim, paint, rearrange, etc. it was an all day process, on top of cleaning the house as well as making everything look presentable. we had all worked our asses off, so by the end of the night i was filthy, completely exhausted, and all i wanted to do was bathe and unwind. i took a hot shower to help my aching muscles & joints, got out and did my nightly routine. i had a perfectly posh kale face mask sample in my dresser that i had gotten probably around this time last year (as long as the containers are sealed you can use face masks up to 18 months.) i always ignored it because i typically used a different mask every so often, but for some reason i couldn't find my regular one. i wanted to treat myself after working so hard earlier in the day, and since the kale mask was the only one i could find, i thought why not? so i open the little sample and start applying the mask to my face, once i'm finished i wash my hands of the excess & then set a time for 15 minutes. after a few minutes in my face starts to burn and feel hot/numb, but i thought this was normal because my other facial is also by posh and it burns my face as well, so i just ignored the sensations. after my timer went off i go to the bathroom and i already start to notice my face is red, so i start rinsing and i realize my face looks like it's been sunburnt every place the mask was. i rinse all of it off and show my mom my face because it's burning so bad and overall looks terrible. it turns out i had an allergic reaction to the kale face and i ended up with chemical burns :) [](https://imgur.com/a/aeofm)

always do a test patch before you try out sketchy facials.

using an old face mask i found in my dresser

tifu. so, this didn't happen today (*gasp* that never happens on /r/tifu!). it's been happening over the course of a couple years now. and even though this shit always gets picked on in reddit, i'll post it anyway. i never dated much. i always thought no one out there could possibly want to be with me. one day, i finally met a girl who liked me back. we ended up getting together, and we had a very nice and happy relationship (at least on my end it was). i had never actually had a serious relationship before, so i had a few problems with being overly clingy and excessive in my gifts and compliments. we dated for a little over a year before she dumped me for reasons that still make no fucking sense. well, about 8 months after we'd broken up, i was still not over her. i'd never had the fortune of a bad relationship, and had no experience dealing with a loss of that kind. she ended up going out with an old acquaintance of mine. we still all hang out, and no one expected them to last very long. but old acquaintance has no fucking clue that i once dated the chick on his arm. he happily drew her closer to him, and they both snuggle up together, with no regard for myself. i just sit there and feel a pit in my stomach. i know this is going to draw in a lot of annoying asshats who just want to make fun of people like me, so go ahead. for those who read this and have something similar, where you just can't get over someone you loved, i stand by you. i fell in love with a girl who i can't get over, and have to deal with her new relationship

falling in love

happened a few years ago. i had this cheap telephoto zoom lens for my dslr, now would be time to point out that cheaper camera lenses just use a normal motor that doesn't disconnect from the focus ring when the auto focus is engaged. so i had developed this habit of using the lens as a weird sort-of fidget toy, so one night i was doing something and saw the camera lens, i thought i'd just move the focus back and forth, so i moved the focus ring and the worst noise ever happened, imagine a really high-pitched motor followed by little gears chipping, oh no, i turned the focus and it wasn't engaged. so i put on the camera and switched it on, with af on it would move slightly and make weird noises but wouldn't work right, the lens also locked up and made a horrible clicking sound whenever it was over-ridden. the lens was completely broken, wouldn't like certain f/numbers or focal lengths, wouldn't work on af and the camera said that there was something really wrong in the form of error 01, the only good thing i could do with the lens was put a fresnel lens behind it and see the image converge onto it and use it as like a makeshift telescope, i even tried to make it into a telescope once. but i really wanted optics, i mean, who doesn't want some bokehlicous optics? so i manage to unscrew the front lens element, but then i wanted to put it back on, i tried and it cross threaded, great! now i have a cross threaded tilt-shift write off of a lens. ps: i did open it up once and lost the back of it and metal rings flew out everywhere, as well as gears that had been chipped.

old camera lens, af still on, over-ride it and chip the gears out and break the aperture diaphragm.

not switching the af off

i was seeing a 5 year old for an ear infection. dad said they'd been up all night due to the kid's ear pain and were exhausted. at the end of the visit, i suggested to the patient that he go home and take a nice, long nap. being five, he of course tells me, as he's yawning, that he doesn't need a nap. as yawns tend to be catching, both his dad and i yawn, too. then i say, "well, how about you stay here and do my job while i go home and sleep with daddy?"

propositioning my patient's father

unlike a lot of tifus, this happened today while i was at school. so i'm a junior in high school, and being a junior means you have to start looking for colleges and thinking about our future, definitely no stress there right? well today was one of those days of stress free future "planning." well today, one of our school counselors came in to my class and gave a presentation about what we would like in a college. during this presentation of finding what we like in a college, we were given a sheet with 8 different college "characteristics," each corresponding to a piece of paper on the wall. characteristics: majors/programs size location cost social appeal residential appeal diversity of students and professors reputation so after having each characteristic explained, we were told to order them 1-8 in most importance to a college. after about 5 minutes, the counselor asked all the students to go the characteristic they find most important in college, your #1. so i get up, eager for it to end, and walked to the paper marked "majors/programs." apparently everyone else finds that important because only 4 ppl chose other characteristics as most important. then the counselor asked everyone why they chose this as their most important trait, not because any of us have no idea what want to do with our lives or anything. so about 2 minutes pass and then the counselor ask everyone to go to their 2nd most important characteristic. a majority shuffled over to "cost." we then take 2 minutes to ask everyone why they chose this as their second trait. and now the fuck up. the next characteristic we were told to stand next to was not our 3rd most important, but the least important(#8), immediately i start to freak out. why? because i put "cost" as the least important characteristic of a college (not because i am rich, but because i am a cocky mother fucker who thinks he is going to get a bunch of scholarship money and grants, which i probably won't). so i, with no one else, start to walk to the cost characteristic on the wall. once everyone gets to their spot and the dust clears, everyone looks and sees that i am the only one who thinks the cost of college is unimportant. the next thing i know everyone is looking at me like "ohhhhh wow, look at this rich snob." and then it happens, the counselor ask me why i think money is not an important college characteristic. i stand there, nervous, face red, sweating, and everything else that goes along with high school humility. so i'm standing there, nervous as can be, and the only thing i can mumble is "i want a scholarship." which is responded with an "ok." i then spent the rest of the class period, and lunch listening to "it's the rich man." plus i have to live witth the fact that everyone thinks i'm a rich ass who likes to brag about his parents money...

made my classmates think i'm a rich, ass because i said cost of college is not important

making all my classmates think i'm a rich ass

this happened around 9-11 years ago i think. so i used to play a lot with my friends when i was little and we used to make small fortresses out of materials we could find in the woods or on the street. you know, kid stuff. so one day i decided to walk over to my friends house as i had an amazing idea, i thought that we could use an old football goal as a base for our little "fortress". so we went over to an old football field and started to look for a good goal to use as our base. so we found a mediumsized goal and began tipping it so that we could later find materials in the nearby forest to use as a roof and stuff like that. anyways, we began tipping the goal and i climb up and hang from the top of it, trying to pull it down with my 8 year old body mass. right as it falls i lose grip and fall on my back getting the top of the goal straight in my forehead. next thing i know it all fades to black and i wake up to an agonizing pain and blood dripping from my forehead whilst my friend is trying to drag me back to my house. (which is 400m away from the field.) it all ended up alright as my mum drove me to the emergency room and i learned that i shouldn't use football goals as a base, especially when they're 1 meter taller than me. i did however get a scar on my left eyebrow as a souvenir. edit: [here's a pic of the scar if you're interested](http://imgur.com/bnlr33j) , it may look small but that thing was a bloody fountain. edit(2): i'm proud of edit(1).

i fell under a goal while trying to tip it over, it ended with blood and a scar on my eyebrow.

getting a football goal in my face.

like many this did not recently happen, but a thread earlier today about someone not taking a half marathon seriously reminded me of this fu. the fu occurred in 2013. i was racing a lot of triathlons and had completed 5 ironman triathlons over the last few years. i was signed for a half ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.1 mile run) in cedar point, oh. the year before i did the full iron distance race (in a time of 9:56, thank you very much...) and knew the course well. i signed up last minute right at the deadline a couple of days before the race. i was coming off a big season training and was easily in good enough shape to finish around 4 and a half hours. we drove to cedar point the day before the race, got checked in and met some friends for dinner. ate some pizza, a pre-race favorite of mine, then we went back to our room to relax before the alarm, which was set for 4:30am. around 9pm i felt a migraine headache coming on and took some advil. i've been a severe migraine sufferer all of my life, albeit for the last few years i was limited to 1-2 a year. but those would be beasts of a headache. i'd start vomiting then would not be able to stop and then be in extreme pain. at least once a year i'd end up in the er where i'd get a shot of regalan (spelling unsure!) and a couple other things, i think benadryl, and then pass out and wake up fine a couple hours later. imotrex, or whatever the popular migraine medicine is, never seemed to help. so back to the fu. i feel the headache coming on, try to rest and hold it off with advil but then start throwing up around 11:30pm. after an hour and a half, at 1am, my wife drives me to the er. its packed for some reason and i have a long wait where the pain and vomiting continue. anyone with a migraine history can imagine how uncomfortable it was to sit in the bright waiting room for over an hour in an uncomfortable seat waiting to be seen. they finally see me, get me in and give me the magic concoction then i pass out. i wake up around 4:30 am feeling worlds better but still having only slept for around an hour and half. we leave and go back to the room then i start to get ready for the race. my wife asks if i'm nuts, tells me i'm not racing and she is exhausted and lets just go to bed until checkout. but no, i'm determined, plus the $250 entry fee is non-refundable! i get to the race feeling woozy. my friends and fellow racers tell me i look like death. i still have my admissions bracelet on and still have the band aid from my iv. the weather was also crappy that day. lake erie was so rough that they moved the swim to the bay side but still there was 2' chop for the swim. i eat a pop tart, drink some gatoraide and the race is on. i barely remember much about the race other than the swim, my best event, was rough. i think i finished around 30 minutes, which is slow for me but i was ok with the time based on the conditions. the bike was brutal with massive winds coming off lake erie that all but knocked you off your bike. my bike time was slower than i wanted. later that week i checked my power file and realized i was down about 25% from my normal half iron bike power. finally the run came and i think i did a 13.1 mile death march/jog. i know i tried to drink a ton during the bike and run but i never peed once. usually in a half i'd pee at least once on the bike leg and once or twice on the run. it was not hot out at all so i was not sweating out fluids. i finished right around 5 hours and behind many people i know that i'd usually beat easily. i don't remember finishing, i don't remember the last half of the run. i remember leaving to go out on the run and my wife asking if i was ok, but i don't remember the return leg. i remember coming to my senses sitting in the medical tent with an emt asking if i already had fluids and why i had a bandaid from a prior iv. when i explained my situation they told me i was an idiot and made me stay for another hour. all the while my wife was mad because she was exhausted and just wanted to go home after spending all night in the hospital and all day watching me race. i got another iv, drank some more fluids and finally was cleared to leave. we drove home, about 2 hours away, during which i never had to pee even though it had been since 7am that i last went and i'd drank many fluids! i also couldn't eat anything. finally, around 8pm that night i started to feel human and peed for the first time in over 12 hours. only when i started to have a clear head did i realize just how stupid i'd been and how much i could have screwed myself up by trying to race.

spent all night sick in an er, raced anyway, was a zombie for half the day and probably dehydrated myself to dangerous levels.

competing in a half iron man: after spending the night in the e.r.

so reddit, today i got up at an ungodly early hour as usual to make my 10-hour shifts at the 'job' i have slightly more bearable with a good cup of loose leaf tea. grabbed my favorite kind, put the water on the boil while i made myself publicly presentable, and listen for the 'click' of the thing automatically turning off. so far so good. now, my electric water boiler is a black and decker with a removable power cord like the ones that go to a desktop computer. thus i usually just unplug the cord from the back when the water is ready. today...i forgot. so when i sleepily grabbed it to pour water into the mug the cord went bwaaang and stopped it like a looney tunes scene of a boat trying to race off while still being tied to the dock. the laws of physics dictated that the water inside the boiler kept going forward, sending boiling-hot liquid right out the now-opened lid, dousing a good part of my shoulder and some of my chest. cue a frantic retreat to the bathroom for an icewater shower, some aspirin, an icepack and generous amounts of profanity. mercifully i was at least wearing a cotton undershirt or the burns would have probably been bad enough to require a frantic retreat to the local er instead. i had to rush off to work in a screaming hurry. almost literally a screaming hurry because of course my shoulder and chest hurt like the fires of hell. worse than that, i never did get my morning tea. and in the future i'll unplug the stupid cord from the *wall* instead.

burning my shoulder with boiling water

this fuck up happened about an hour ago. i walk my kids to school just about everyday and this morning i had to drive since it had just started raining. now as i'm driving i see a dirt lot and decide i have enough time why not? drive around in it a bit to rile them up then my tires just sink. and i mean mud flaps are touching the ground at this point. i have to get out so i can wrench myself out and end up dropping my kids off late now i have a meeting with the principal

had time to kill before taking my kids to school. decided to go mudding got stuck now i have a meeting with the principal

driving my kids to school

about a week ago i get an email to interview for an internal promotion at my company. this promotion is not posted on our internal job website and is only for those who's managers have recommended them for the job. i interview and the interview goes great. the manager tells me it a done deal down to the paperwork and hr. being at work when i get this news and excited about the idea of a promotion, i tell my co-worker/friend. this is where i went wrong. my co-worker/friend gets incredibly jealous and i can tell. the next day back some guys at work tell me that this friend was venting about not getting an interview for this job and sending emails with her qualifications to the head of the department. to make it worse they are friends. jump to today and i am on the phone with her on a work call. suddenly she gets a phone call and tells me it's from her old friend and head of the department. about 5 minutes later i get a text message "thanks for telling me about that opening! i got the job!!".

not waiting for the paperwork

so, this is recent, as in i am now going through it. so, i live in the haight in sf. i've traveled a lot on the cheap, i.e. stayed with a bunch of random strangers over the years and like to return the favor when i can. there are a lot of traveling hippies making their stop here for obvious reasons, and a lot of them hang out on the street here. i met a super hot hippy chick while i was all kinds of fucked up and ended up inviting her and (unbeknownst to me) her dirty ass hippy boyfriend back to my place. i set them up on my futon and i slept on the floor. i'm nice like that. their puppy shit on my carpet. whatever. i fed them and offered shower. (they declined the shower....) fast fwd 4 days or so...i start to get this weird itch. now it's full blown, and i start to examine closely wtf is going on. my itch region has been growing and expanding. it's not a rash, it's a bunch of bites from.... motherfuckers left my house with lice. i'm going full brazillian later today, fumigating my house, gassing all of my linens. i thought i was getting the measles or mumps.

it's not a joke about the dreads having bugs.

helping some hippies

obligatory not today but about almost 50 years ago...wow hard to believe that part. but it sticks with me like yesterday--or for this subreddit purposes today! also first time poster fwiw. i grew up in coal mining territory. please let's not digress about that--it was a major way of life in eastern ohio back in the day. so when i was about 13 the big mining company, while preparing to mine, uncovered an ancient native american burial site. it was a big deal--archaeologists from columbus and other parts of the state (and maybe country) came in to study the site and handle the delicate removal of the remains. it made the news and everything--a big deal for our little village. well my family was a bit of the "big fish little pond" kind of deal so my dad got us permission to go up and visit the site. it was really neat; sincere and busy archaeologists and student-helpers were on their hands and knees with little brushes removing dirt and rocks from around the skeletons. the skeletons were all laid out--about 6 or 8 of them as i recall--with stakes and ropes around each body. and these ropes--really just strings--were no more than a foot off the ground. we were walking around looking at the remains with the head archaeologist and some local guy from the coal company and they were explaining things to us. i had stopped to look at one set of bones and the adults had moved on up and over to the next row. i looked up and saw they'd moved and thought "well i can either walk the 8 or 9 feet up and then around the one set of bones and catch up with them" or "hey i can just jump over this skeleton and be next to them in a jiffy." well 13 year old me chose the easy way and jumped over the remains. except...i tripped on the barely off the ground stake/string set up and landed full on on the head of one of the sleeping native americans. apparently 5,000 year old bones aren't made for goofy adolescent boys to fall on. the skull shattered with much of it turning to dust and other debris. there was dead silence, as i recall, until i muttered sorry and my father stuttered his apologies. i don't recall the exact reactions of the archaeologists but general disdain and disgust are the first thoughts that come to mind low these many years later. we quickly departed with my father still offering apologies. on the upside so far i have not been haunted by the spirits of this tribe from ohio. in fact i even had a nice win at an indian casino a couple of years ago. but payback is hell and i know it's coming!

saving time i jumped over a thousands year old skull and crushed it; so far no major spirit fall out but still. sorry spirits.

having native american spirits haunt me

obligatory this did not happen today, but a few years ago ifu. this was during the summer while a couple of friends and i were hanging by the pool. at one point, we were passing around the football, taking turns catching it while jumping into the pool. after a few rounds, it was my turn to catch a pass again and as i was standing by the edge of the pool, one of my friends slightly nudged me from behind. it was just enough that i had no choice but to fall into the water, but instead of entering feet first, i fell in the way a tree tips over after being chopped down at its base. as i was falling into the water, i realized that my face was going to be the first thing to hit the surface of the water rather than my chest/stomach. to save my face, i leaned forward at the last second in an attempt to break the surface cleanly and avoid the consequences of the impending flop. unfortunately, that didn't work out as well as i had planned. although i avoided the flop, i fell in with enough force that i ended up hitting the top of my head on the bottom of the pool. immediately after i hit the floor, my entire body was paralyzed from the neck down, just floating underwater. it probably took my friends about 30 seconds to realize something was wrong, but it had felt like an eternity. one of my friends pulled me above the surface, brought me to the edge of the pool and kept my neck supported while someone called 911 and we waited for paramedics to arrive. i still had no feeling below my neck nor could i move a muscle. half of my face felt numb & limp like peter griffin's face on the family guy episode "mcstroke". about 10 minutes went by until i started to regain feeling in my body, which was such a strange sensation. imagine that "pins & needles" feeling you get in your leg when you lay the wrong way, except it's happening to your entire body. i felt extremely weird, almost like my limbs were made of jell-o. what was even more strange was once i was able to feel the bottom of the pool with my feet, it didn't feel like it was "my" leg/foot if that makes any sense. i believe it has something to do with [proprioception](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/proprioception#conscious_and_unconscious_proprioception), because my limbs did not "feel" like they were in the location that they were actually in. then that's when the pain started to rush through my body. this was the most unbearable pain i've ever experienced to this day. the skin on the front of my shoulders and my chest was so sensitive that even the slightest touch would feel like i was burning alive. i couldn't even have the sheet from the hospital bed covering my chest it was so bad. the doctor said that i was lucky to be young and in good shape, because most people aren't fortunate enough to walk away from an injury like this. she mentioned how there was a young boy a few rooms down who suffered a similar kind of injury and sadly he would never walk again. i am truly thankful that i didn't end up in that situation and my heart goes out to that poor kid. after all was said and done, i ended up with a bruised spinal cord and minor nerve damage. although i was able to walk (assisted) by the time i was released from the hospital, i was bed-ridden for almost a month. i still couldn't lift my arms more than 6 inches above my waist and i wasn't able to dress myself and shower on my own during that time. although most of the pain subsided after a month or so, i started experiencing occasional numbness down my left arm to the tips of my fingers. i was also faced with [neuropathic pain & itching](https://www.theacpa.org/condition/neuropathic-pain) for the next 6 months which drove me fucking mental. today, things aren't as bad although i do deal with chronic neck & back pain on a daily basis. i am just thankful that i am still able to walk and my life hasn't been seriously affected by this injury. i also wont be diving or belly flopping into pools anytime soon. lesson learned.

tried to belly flop in the pool and hit my head at the bottom, almost breaking my neck. i was temporarily paralyzed from the neck down, ended up bed-ridden for a month and suffered nerve damage and a bruised spinal cord. (i'm fine now)

belly flopping into a pool, failing miserably, and almost breaking my neck

unlike most tifu this actually happened about 2 minutes ago.. i had just gotten home from my morning class, put on my jams and looked out my window. 6 stories below me i spotted a friend walking past my dorm. for the hell of it i thought i should try to get his attention. since the windows don't open in my dorm the only way to achieve this would be knocking on the window. after about 5 knocks the window gave out sending shattered glass everywhere... it rained down on the people below. needless to say i am fucked. and the worst part is i don't even know if i got my friend's attention.... about to submit a "work order" need excuses to make it look like an accident.... edit. i went to my ra like most of you suggested. told him i knocked on the a few times to see if anyone could hear me... *judgmental look from him* and that it broke. he didn't laugh.. told me i was an idiot but he did not want this to be in anyway brought back to him. so he used his ra powers to call maintenance to quickly replace the window before it became a big issue. maintenance is on their way...

knocked on window to get friend's attention which broke under the pressure.

knocking on my dorm window.

so, this happened today around 7 hours ago, and i'm still salty about this whole thing. a bit of a back story on me before the fuck-up begins. i'm 20 years old, work in a warehouse on graveyard shift. been depressed for a few months now, but really spiked when i had to give cpr to my mom who tried to kill herself, who is still in the hospital (been 13 days as of posting this) i'm super anti-social, hate talking to people but am super nice to people. i have been working at the place i'm working at for 4 months now as a temp, but just got hired yesterday by the actual company. anyway, here is the fuckup. so we were supposed to start work early today, 4pm and get out by midnight instead of starting at 6pm and getting out at 2am. i thought it was a stupid idea because when i get out everyone is still sleeping because it's a work night so whatever. i get home, set my alarm for 3pm to have time to wake up, eat, shower, and go to work. so i go to sleep... except i set my alarm for 3am and not 3pm. that poses a problem as i went to sleep at 8am (got off of work at 7am that night) so, i wake up at 3:45 to my dog barking at the mail lady who was delivering one of my packages i ordered online. weird i thought because the mail lady was "early" i look at the clock and see it's 3:45 pm and it takes me 15 minutes to get to work. remember, i am supposed to be there at 4pm. so i rush to put pants on, not even bothering to shower. i get to work a few minutes early (gotta go fast, amirite?) clock in and begin working my usual route. about 2 hours later over the intercom i hear "friendkiller96 please come to the office, friendkiller96, please come to the warehouse office. thank you :) " so i ride my pallet jack to the office and see the big big big boss man looking at me through the window. "oh boy, i'm getting fired today... cool now i can finally have my social life back and do what 20 year olds are supposed to be doing and not working 55 hours a week" i open the door and he tells me to sit in a little room. i sit down, he walks in and closes the door behind him. boss: "you aren't in trouble, relax" me: "okay, then what's up?" at this point he is sitting in front of me behind his desk boss: "there really isn't an easy way to say this..." boss: "well, we've been getting some complaints about your.. uhh.. body odor" me: "that's funny.. you're funny" boss: "i'm being serious" me: "oh, then you aren't funny... seriously? my body odor?" basically we have a conversation like that for a bit... i'm super embarrassed, red-faced, annoyed, and just feel super insulted. i ask him how many people complained and he said three... three people in a 2 hour span.. fucking.... he then brings out a write-up forum and begins to fill it out... i was written up for being "out of uniform (bull crap, our "uniform" is any t-shirt and pants/shorts) and a distraction to co-workers" i was livid. i told him that seems super rash for him to do and he said it was because today wasn't the only day that this has been brought up, so now i'm thinking i just don't know how to shower. anyway, after that whole conversation, break was called and i rushed to the nearest gas station, picked up some deodorant and spray and just basically poured it on myself. i tried getting next to people who i thought were the ones complaining to show them that i smell decent now... don't think it worked.. oh well. i am super self-conscious and take good fucking care of myself. i shower every day, not even joking, i love being clean, especially after work as it gets super fucking hot in that warehouse and it smells like balls by the end of the shift. anyway, i think the write-up was bull crap, and is another thing to stack on my "why i hate people and why i feel (and apparently smell) like garbage all the time" pile... anyway, i'll be replying to comments and clarifying anything that needs to be clarified as i am sure this is a jumbled mess. edit: i don't smell, i just didn't shower one day and everyone made a huge deal out of it. i sweat a lot in my sleep, blanket gets too hot but i need a blanket to sleep... if that makes any sense.. x.x edit 2: i am really trying to reply to all the comments! if i haven't replied, just know i have read it! i really wasn't expecting a post about my bad bo to be super liked. i really appreciate all this advice! thank you! <3

didn't shower, got written up for being out of uniform and a distraction...

waking up late and not having time to shower

so last night, i reached for the water next to my bed and knocked something else over. i usually keep random things next to my bed and it was dark and i was tired so i just ignored it, drank my water, and went to sleep. unfortunately, i had made an error. earlier that day i had bought a bubble machine because i love those things and behave like a child even though i’m not (idk i might be) and left the mixture next to my bed. that’s what i bumped over and when i woke up this morning i saw that it had leaked all over my ipad and had destroyed it. the mixture is thick and gooey and has certainly fried it badly.

knocked bubble mixture over at night, woke up to find it had seeped all over my ipad, destroying it

forgetting about bubble mixture

this one's fresh. just got home from the hospital. well i cracked my tooth open a long time ago and didn't want to spend, or really have, the extra money to fix it. it is a back molar, and has been giving me alot of problems since august so i have greatly reduced my sugar intake and avoid cold liquids like the plague. *an important note: i am on nerve pain medication for nerve pain for a separate condition, 3600 mg (12 pills) a day. well this week the tooth just drove me nuts, so tuesday morning i went to a dentist and scheduled it to be taken out friday. i originally hoped to fix it, but it's too far gone, another fu on my part. i have been taking naproxen and advil for a few days, but the night before this appointment i took some tylenol with codiene. so the day of, i took 2 of those in the morning and 2 naproxen, cause the pain was crazy right when i woke up. came home from the dentist and took an advil and 2 more tylenol. well the pain was just intensifying and intensifying, so i kept taking more and more medication. since they were all different (naproxen, percocet, tylenol 1, tylenol pm, advil - the reason i took all this different stuff is it was hard to tell what was helping and wasn't.) i didn't think they would be much of a problem. fast forward to 11 pm and the pain is through the roof, so i took more with no real thought on how many i had taken. so i end up staying awake till 430 am, having a mild panic attack thinking i took to much medication, but my mom told me i was okay and the wait for the er was 2 hours so i went to bed. today i woke up and felt like shit. my lower left back hurt, i was nauseous as all hell, and i could not eat. i had an appointment to go to so i went there, and i took one 220 mg naproxen before, 1 tylenol there. i was in more pain then that but i knew i had taken too many yesterday so i was just gonna deal with the pain and take meds before bed. so i get home and feel sick, i go upstairs and throw up stomach acid for 10 minutes, then the next one was bright red. after one more red/brown puke i called telehealth ontario to get a uses opinion and we calculated up all my meds. in the prior 24 hours i had taken over 4700 mg of tylenol, which they consider 4000 mg to be emergency, i also took 2400 mg nsaid medication, got transfered to poison control, who told me to go to the er. they also said tylenol overdose is a slow and painful death which takes time to show symptoms -- now what i wanted to hear. so my mom drove me to the er and it turns out i metabolized the pain pills okay, and just have a tear inside my esophagus that caused the blood. i got a medication for that, and some dilaudid to last until my tooth extraction.

ongoing tooth pain got worse, i increased my meds without thinking how much i was taking, puked blood the next day and had poison control tell me to go to the er, tore my esophagus but did not have an accumulative overdose, as was thought.

overmedicating my tooth pain.

as usual this didn't happen today but actually happened when i was in 6th grade, so about 9 years ago. a short backstory; i was a sheltered little 6th grader who had never had a sleepover before and this was the first school year i had actual friends. my family was poor growing up so no one liked me and for some reason they decided to put me in the nicer elementary school on the other side of town. when i was in 2nd grade i switched schools and it was a mediocre place so there were many kids with similar economic hardships like myself. it wasn't the worst but it wasn't the best either. so all through elementary i hadn't really made friends, i was a loner. smarter than the kids around me and seemingly more innocent, so i got taken advantage of a lot by the other kids. they abused my generosity and bullied me to get me to do there work... that kinda thing. so in my town we have a single school where only 6th graders go. there are like 5 elementary schools so this place had like 400-500 kids that were only 6th graders. this girl i had in all of my classes ended up being my best friend, and when she made friends she thought it would be a good idea to get all of us to be friends. we all had at least 2 classes together through-out the day so when we had class we'd all group up. there were 4 of us including myself. well, being as these were my first real friends and i had never had a sleep over i decided to have one! this ended up being a horrible idea and led to the first part of my tifu. so we're all girls and all of us are either going through the beginning of puberty or had already experienced it (at least in this group). my family was also doing better off now that my dad had a stable job and could support us. so we had a new computer and we were playing some harmless truth or dare being weird kids.. forcing eachother to look at naked people on the computer or doing stupid things like licking the floor. i'm not sure how this came about but one of the girls swore she knew how to make a website and my 6th grade brain thought that was the coolest thing ever. she asked if we wanted to help make one and i was like fuck yeah dude let's do it. so i sat in the computer chair and she began directing me on what to do and where to type etc. she asked what we should make the website name be! my innocent brain thought "cute puppies" or "ponies and kittens" and everyone else was all for it but her. she replied and was like "no that's super gay dude, there's a lot of stuff like that already.. you can be more creative" and i was stuck on what to think of. then she blurted out "let's make a website talking shit about zoe ( i replaced the name for privacy reasons) " and i was contemplating it because i was a goody two shoes and didn't think that'd be nice. then the other two girls started talking about how gross this girl was and basically started just bashing the hell out of her. so out of peer pressure i decided we would go ahead and make it about her, and i would do all of the typing. 3 paragraphs later and naming the website zoeisaslut. com we somehow switched topics and started talking about a teacher we all hated. his name was mr. gray so i thought it would be absolutely brilliant/hilarious to make his name mr. gay and talk about how shitty of a person he was. we wrap things up and i felt kinda bad about it because it said some pretty revolting shit on there. i think there was a few sentences about how she was a slut and she dated 3 dudes at once and did kissed a guy in the stairwell. but i decided it was going to be fine and we published it. a few days go by and it slips my mind that it ever occured. all i could think about was the school dance that was announced exactly 3 days after we did that. about a week goes by and i get called to the assistant principless office and i was freaking out because i never got in trouble before. i walk down the hall and see all three girls sitting outside the office i'm walking to and two of them are crying and the third girl was acting like she didn't give a fuck. this is where my second major fuck up happens. i walk in the office and have to fill out a paper explaining what i did wrong after it was brought to my attention this was over the website. my brain decided to shit itself and i decided to make everything up. i lied about it and blamed it all on the girl who gave me the idea to begin with. idk why i did, maybe because i was a huge pussy, but who knows.. anyways... i go sit with the other girls and we wait for about 5 minutes as my eyes start to well up with tears because i'm freaking the fuck out thinking of what my dad is going to do when he finds out. the assistant principal walks out and dismisses two of the 4 of us so all that's left is the girl who gave us the idea and myself. she gets called into the office first and i'm waiting for maybe 2 minutes when she walks off to go back to class with a smirk on her face and i started to turn red as shit when i had to walk in. the principal didn't even give me a chance to say anything and tells me this which i remember word for word, "zoe found out about the website and she's in the counselors office right now. her mother called us to let us know and she is thinking about calling the police, but we told her we'd handle it since you've never had any marks against you. i know you lied and i know you played the biggest part in this. your instructor mr. gray is also very upset with you and it'd be best if you write him an apology. what you did was extremely wrong and considered bullying. some people will hurt themselves after being subjected to this sort of unkind treatment." i couldn't listen anymore. i was so fucking pissed off. i decided to stand up for myself and tell her it wasn't my fault and whatever girl x told you was wrong. it was all her idea, i never wanted to do it blah blah blah she stood up with an extremely angry look on her face and leaned over and got so close to mine i could feel her breath on my nose and said "shut up. you're lying to me. all the other girls said it was all your doing. your story doesn't match up, and i'm not sorry but i'm a lot older than you so i know exactly what's going on here. do you want me to call the police??? do you want to get sued and have to pay thousands of dollars or go to this girls funeral??? so shut up before you get sent to daep (out of school detention which was literally the worst thing they had in my mind) and also, just so you know you're banned from going to the last dance this school year. if you had been honest we might have considered your attendance but because you are irresponsible and like to bully other children we won't be seeing you there. i've already called your father and he will be having a talk with you as well." my heart fucking broke. i was going to go with all of my friends and even had gotten a special outfit just for the dance. 6th grade was almost over and they'd be taking pictures for the yearbook too and i couldn't have any of that, all because i decided to let peer pressure control me into bullying someone. i was fucking horrified and miserable. the next school day no one talked to me. not even the teachers. they all glared at me, moved as far away as possible when i sat by them and the looks they gave made me feel like a literal piece of trash. needless to say i never had a sleepover again and i didn't stay friends with 2 of the girls and my best friend wasn't allowed to call me for months so i didn't see her either. now that i look back i don't know what the actual fuck i was thinking. like i was an all a student, never missed a day of school...all around perfect goody two-shoes kinda kid.. it is still the most bizarre fuck up i've ever made and i don't even know why i did it.

was a lonely kid, finally had my first sleepover, one girl got us to make a website talking massive shit about an instructor and another student, i lied, and got banned from the dance and lost my only and first friends and got hardcore grounded.

having my first sleepover with my first friends

this happened over the last few days and while not a monumental fuck up, i felt plenty stupid. the other day i was looking to buy some salt/pepper shakers as i have just got my own place and didnt have any. as i was taking out the trash in my new complex i noticed a box of goodies in the dumpster. this box consisted of a few house hold items like rolls of tp, half a bottle of laundry detergent and low and behold some nice shakers. i jumped in the dumpster, grabbed the shakers and ran off all happy that i just saved $10 on a pair of nice shakers. now the tifu. a few days later i was walking through the dollar store and sure enough, i see the same exact same shakers i pulled out of the dumpster. i basically jumped into a dumpster for $1.

taking some salt/pepper shakers out of a dumpster

so this happened a few hours back. i'm on my motorcycle going to my uncle's place. i've got some documents tucked under my shirt and as a result, i'm sitting rather uncomfortably. i'd stopped for a while at some point before turning into my uncle's lane. during this opportune moment, i presume, a mosquito must've landed on my forearm. as i'm lazing through the narrow road, i feel a sting on my right arm. i look down and see the largest fucking mosquito pocketing my blood. instinctively, i lift my left arm and try and hit it. what i had not accounted for, was a spasm it would set off on my arm when i did. the sudden jerking movement of the arm on the throttle directly led to the motorcycle equivalent of flooring it. mind you, it's a 500 cc royal enfield and it's got quite a large flywheel. the sudden surge forward nearly threw me off it. didn't stop there. the road is narrow with walls on both sides. the bike jerked to the right and scraped the wall. thankfully, the crash guard i had installed prevented my leg being turned into pulp between a 200 kilo motorcycle and a wall. the crash guard sustained a few scratches but other than that, i survived. so there you go. it's true what they say about mosquitoes being the most dangerous killers on the planet. they have curious ways of getting you.

riding on motorcycle, nearly got killed trying to get a mosquito on my arm.

nearly getting killed on my motorcycle thanks to a mosquito.

i work in the film business as a mover, and we were dressing a set in downtown la yesterday evening. we hopped out of the truck, which has a huge fox logo on the side, and started unloading, when one of the set dressers who was already on site came up to us and pointed at a film crew about 50ft away that i had assumed was ours "hey guys look, scientologists are filming a comercial" well we load things onto a dolly, and we start moving past their setup into the building we had to dress. the scientology crew of about 20 people watch us, and a couple smile and wave. being someone who enjoys a little joke, i say "hey, have you guys seen south park? i love that show!" quick chuckle from our crew, and we move on from their film crew, who you could tell was not amused. fast forward to this morning, when i get into work, my boss calls myself and the two other guys who were with me up to him, and he tells us he recieved a complaint. i'm relativley new, so it was just a warning, but it wasnt worth making the guy who's in charge of my whole day mad at me, as i'm now standing on a rooftop in downtown la until 8pm.

heckled scientologists while on the job, they called my boss and i was reprimanded by getting stuck with busywork on top of a hot building for the day.

heckling some scientologists

this was a week ago, i needed to record some kind of video-resumee as final project for an asignment at college. there were a few reuquirements, like formal dressing, and not longer than 3 min, so it was an wasy task. i made my script and as a good mexican i waited util 15 minutes before the delivery time. i took a shower and since i had just a few minutes to record, i asked my 14 year old troll brother for help, who hardly agreed to help because he was playing lol with his friends. due to the lack of time, i just put on my shirt, and asked him to record only the top of my body (i was standing in front of a white wall wearing only shirt and this calvin klein pornstar underware). he seemed to be doing ok, but at one point he started laughing sliently but moving the cammera a bit. finally i took my cellphone (yes we recorded the video with my cellphone), saw like the first 30 seconds of video and sent it to my proffesor (like 2 minutes before delivery time), who replied "thanks you will be the first one to present your video" (his clas started in 2 hours). so i preceed to get dressed and go to college. now here i am in front of a 40 people classroom about to present my video. it all started pretty good, until (remember when i mentioned my brother was laughing, well he moved the cammera util the point that everybody could see i was wearing no pants) people started laughing at my video. just to make it worse, my brother didn't hit the stop button when i gave him the signal, he first put the cellphone a bit down, so the end of the video is a full frame of my junk in this sexy ass ck underware). i was all flushed in front of all of the classrom laughing and the proffessor trying to close the video player... he ended up disconecting the hdmi cable. and all of this in just 2 minutes of my totally most embarrassing day of the year. moral of the story, never trust your young teenager troll brother. i asked my brother to help me record a video for an assignment. wasn't wearing pants, just shirt. he failed to just record the upper part of my body, it all ended up in 40 ppl looking at my junk in a big projector.

asking my younger brother for help

i just got a new laptop. it's nothing special, ~$300 dell machine with a skylake i5, integrated graphics, etc. despite it not being special, i needed it for almost every single class (i'm in high school). now, i go to a boarding school, so it's about a 30 second walk between my dorm and academic building. so when my backpack's computer pocket wouldn't close, i thought very little of it. after all, it wasn't a very long walk, it would be fine. furthermore, the laptop is very large, so it sticks out about a quarter of its length from the pocket. i did have a fabric case on it, but it wasn't very protective. as i was walking, i tripped slightly on the set of stairs we have between the two buildings. as i tripped, my laptop in its case flew out of its pocket. it tumbled down the long flight of concrete stairs, crashing on each one. i was horrified. when i picked it up, though, no damage (other than some minor scratches) had occurred. i was pressed for time, and had to get to my class, so i simply picked it up and carried it in my hands. my first class (calc) didn't involve computers, so i almost forgot about the incident. until computer science. i was hoping that my case would have protected it. i opened my computer in that class. a large strip of pixels around the border of the computer was black. it wasn't horrible, it was still usable. but a far more insidious problem had taken root. about two weeks later, i noticed that whenever i tilted the computer, it would turn off. apparently, i had damaged by motherboard and my battery, and the computer was essentially junked. i'll need to buy a new one. and a better case. always zip your backpack up fully. and always have a protective laptop case.

didn't zip my backpack, laptop fell out and broke.

not packing carefully

starting off with the obligatory this didn't actually happen today. i was 18 at the time this happened and it was probably the scariest life realization i've had in my life so far. at the time i owned three red-eared sliders (common turtle) that were in a 50 gallon glass aquarium. they had it nice in there with a very easy access basking spot and a hot lamp that is on a timer that turns on around 7am and turns off around 8pm. along with a nice, deep pool. the top of it is a metal mesh screen that you slide out and the basking lamp sits on top of the screen. so every morning i had to give these gluttonous pigs a quarter head of lettuce and a couple ounces of pellets before i went to school around 7:30 or so. turn the lamp off, place it on my computer desk. pull the screen back to throw food in there. then put everything back in place. no big deal until one easter morning... both of my grandparents passed away and every easter my family and i go out to the cemetery to go pay our respects than afterwards we head home to go enjoy the rest of our day. well i wake up that morning around 6am to go get ready to head out for the cemetery. so i do my normal routine like i usually do before school except only about an hour or so earlier. in my groggy state the turtle lamp wasn't turned on yet so i just took it off and placed it on my desk fed the turtles and hastily put everything back and we left to go do our thing. everything went good as they usually do. sweep off the headstone. put flower planters next to them. the full works. we finally get home and its around 10 or so. i get inside and it smells like someone is having a barbecue. i ask my mom if the neighbor is grilling something. she just shrugs it off. i head upstairs and the smell gets a lot stronger. i walk into my room and see smoke smoldering from on top of my desk with the heat lamp on. i rush over to turn it off and place it on the tank. as soon as i pulled it up, a huge waft of smoke fills my room and sets off the smoke alarm. my parents start freaking out and run upstairs to see a smoldering charred circle on my desk with me standing there with this dumb ass look on my face. i was speechless. we opened up the windows and got fans setup to blow the smoke out. eventually the alarm turned off and got the smoke out but it still smelled like smoked wood. i talk to my parents and tell them what happened. my mom starts screaming at me telling us we could of lost our house. my dad just standing there giving me that disappointed look. that was probably the worst i have ever felt. knowing that i could of burnt the house that i grew up in down to the ground. plus i lost a very nice computer desk.

i went to go feed my turtles and left the heat lamp on the desk. came home to smoke everywhere and a burnt ruined desk.

feeding my turtles and almost burning down my parent's house.

this morning i got up to tend to our baby and give her a breakfast feed as she was awake and crying. so i jump out of bed, make a pot of coffee, make up her bottle and go change her nappy. we move out of bubs room and set up on the couch, i've got her in my arms feeding her the bottle whilst casually drinking the cup of coffee i'd just made. awesome. she finished her bottle and as usual dozed straight back off for her post-bottle morning nap. i finished my coffee and grab my phone to check reddit. that's when i see it...its three o'clock in the goddamned morning. so i'm now stuck underneath my sleeping baby with a hefty caffeine buzz, and you better believe i make my morning coffee strong, counting down each long minute until i can start my morning proper. hey, at least it's friday!

soothed baby, drank coffee, started my day at 3:00am.

my sleep routine. bad.

this just happened, potentially still happening. so, i work for a smallish independent retail brand, we have about 5 shops, mostly in the one town. because of this kind of independent vibe we don't have a man who comes and collects out daily banking each week but rather we take it to the bank every day. now this is done by one of us counting it and filling in the paperwork and then another person double checks it and puts the paperwork in the bag, seals the bag, and then takes it to the bank. well, this is normally done by managers (i am one) but occasionally a sales assistant does this with a manager watching. i haven't been there that long and the other manager was busy, so i asked a sales assistant to do this. the person i asked has been there for years so i left them to it-i needed to do a few other things so i just shouted to them it's on the side and carried on as normal. here comes the fuck up, the employee assumed that all the paperwork and counting had been done, so they just took the bag and paid it in without the slip. the other manager noticed this and really told me off, i went to the bank and fixed the problem but i have still come across as stupid for assuming the sales assistant would do all the checking without being asked. however the worst part is that the sales assistant has told me that they also didn't check if the bag was sealed, and so this has been put into a banking machine as an open bag- and now i'm worried that quite a few hundred pounds could fall out the bag in the box where it is paid into. if this happened i would be assigned all the blame and i'm also worried that they will make me pay the lost money.

i assumed a sales assistant would seal a banking bag without being told to do so, it's been paid in without being sealed, and that's my ass on the line

assuming people do things without being asked

first up, this is actually a fuck up happening right now. second, i am on my phone which tries to auto-correct every word into a german word. so if there is something strange don't be confused. so a cousin of mine is going to marry next weekend and because he lives a bit further out and i don't have a car i need to go to my parents and than drive with them to the wedding. i also live in a different city than my parents 1 and a half hours away by train. so there i was sitting in the train for ruffly 20 minutes when i realised something. i had forgotten my suit. i obviously need it for the wedding. so i got out of the train with the goal to go back and grab it. as soon as i made it to the other side of the station in the middle of nowhere, the train back home left, without me getting in. no all this would be annoying as it is, but because today is a holiday (corpus cristi) the bus i will have to catch after i take the next train only goes once per hour. and of course right after the train will arrive, meaning i'll have to wait another hour. as if that wasn't enough there is an intense thunderstorm going on and i am only in shorts and t-shirt because when i left it was still nice weather. and last but not least, the [roof at the train station isn't really doing its job.](http://i.imgur.com/h43nhab.jpg)

forgot my suit and am no stuck in a thunderstorm at a trainstation with a faulty roof in the middle of nowhere.

forgetting my suit.

this happened to me about 2 months ago. we had been receiving a large quantity of packages recently that all came in cardboard boxes with some brown packing paper, it was beginning to get in the way so i consolidated all of the boxes and paper into one box and placed it on the wooden bench in my back garden to get it out of the way. it was a normal summers day, about 7:00 in the evening when i ventured outside for a cigarette as i had done a thousand times in the past. i sat on the bench next to the box and lit my cigarette, i smoked it down and stubbed it out in the ashtray thinking that was that, but little did i know that an ember from this cigarette had blown into the box and was slowly burning the cardboard inside. fast forward about 1 hour (at this point it's pretty dark outside) my brother comes to me saying he is seeing an orange flickering light in the back garden, i rush outside and loan behold the box and half of the bench were completely engulfed in flames reaching almost to the second floor windows. i quickly grabbed the hose and extinguished the fire, it had burned clean through the back of the bench and part of the way through the bottom, left a large black streak up the side of the building and slightly melted the outside windowsill of the window above it, needless to say my parents were not to pleased with me. i spent the entire next day cleaning up my quite substantial mess. lit a cigarette next to a cardboard box filled with paper, said box set on fire destroying a bench a windowsill and making a black streak up the wall 10 feet high, don't smoke it's not worth it.

smoking a cigarette

background: i live in a mother in law apartment on the back of land lord's property. its 800 sqft, but due to its layout is way more spacious and has a ton of room for storage. moreover, it's in one of the best neighborhoods in my town. super walkable area, plenty of shops and restaurants and other amenities nearby. i have been living here for five years and love it here. normally in my town, a place like this would easily cost 1k / month, but i'm only paying $650 a month. the story, i have been looking to make a change in career from being an accountant to doing property management. i recently saw that a local property management company was looking for some coordinator type role with a background in accounting/bookkeeping. i figured i would be a good fit and decided to apply. i got a call within a week of submitting my resume and schedule a quick phone interview. the phone interview goes great and we move onto an in-person interview. in person, the interview goes great and i've got a strong feeling they are going to make an offer. the entire process at this point has taken about 3.5 weeks. now, this is where the tifu starts to come into play. i smoke weed 2-3 times a month. usually on weekends with friends or while on a hike. i saw that when i applied to a position that might be required a background/ drug test. it had been 1 week since i had smoked last. i figured i would just take a break and see how this played out that way i wouldn't have to worry about a drug test. they finally receive a job offer from them at the 4-week mark. i ask for time to give two weeks notice at my current employer. give me two weeks and wait to start my new job. they ask me to come fill out new hire paperwork, background check and schedule a drug test. at this point its been a little over 5 weeks since i had last smoked. i took several at home drug tests and none of them tested positive, so i was in the clear- even if they hadn't been clean i've cheated the piss test a few times before so i wasn't too worried. i go in for the drug test, only to find out that it was a hair test! i was honestly shocked that they used a hair test. i've never had to do a hair test for an employer before. the only person i know that had to do a hair test was a friend of mine that works for a military contractor, his job also required him to have some sort of clearance level. talk about overkill imo! i know that hair tests are way more expensive to administer. at this point, i pretty much realize i'm more or less fucked. if i had known it was a hair test i would have never applied, let alone waste their time and my time with the interview process. i would of especially not quit my damned job! i'm pretty much praying that somehow i'll pass this hair test by the grace of the dark lord cthulu or that they won't care about me popping for just pot. well, i was not that lucky and they did care about the pot. i get the results back and they tell me they are rescinding their offer. so at this point i've lost a good job opportunity and i'm without a job. this is bad enough, but it gets worse. turns out that my landlord is a part owner in the property management company (his nephew now runs the day to day operations). the nephew obviously recognized my address and told his uncle about the test results. my landlord comes over , a few days offer the job offer has been rescinded and told me how his nephew told him about the drug test results and that he knew i was a drug addict or something (basically turns out he's jeff sessions' clone). tells me he will not be renewing my lease in four months and that he'll be keeping a close eye on me. i think he called me a degenerate at least four times. this was about five days ago. he's been increasingly hostile towards me (nothing major just a lot of stupid comments and small petty stuff). i, however, fear that he might escalate. i have already started looking for a new place to live and i've cleared my house of any and all marijuana-related items. i'm more or less ready to break the lease in order to get out of the situation. so to sum up, i am currently unemployed and have lost a really kick ass rental house.

applied to a job with a property management company that apparently my landlord used to own. failed a drug test, now i don't have a job and will no longer get to live in my current kick ass apartment.

applying to a job with a company my landlord used to own

as is tradition, this did not happen today but instead happened ~10 years back. but since i was staring at my scar, i decided to post. i was working at eb games at the time - this was after the buyout but before they changed the names of all ebs to gamestop. we were just at the beginning of the christmas rush but before they actually authorized us to have multiple people scheduled in the middle of the day. so i was covering the store by myself and it was far from dead. as such, i had many things to do and none took precedence. as the fup occurred, i was fielding a question from a customer while crouching down to open the latest shipment. while giving my standard schpiel about why it's a terrible idea to buy gta for your 10-year-old and simultaneously clicking open the box cutter and starting to inbox the shipment, the phone rings. as i stand to answer the phone, the eb greeting playing in my head, the dull box cutter slid off the tape and into the cardboard - creating just enough resistance to sling forward as i stand. the momentum carried it right to, and across, my left thumb. i felt absolutely nothing. at first. just as "thank you for calling eb games" falls out of my mouth on autopilot, a severe burning sensation alerts me to the fact that i just butterflied my thumb. without even looking (and praying it's minor) i grabbed a paper towel and wrapped it tightly around my thumb while finishing the call. i then quickly say to the customer "excuse me" as i rush to the bathroom to wash out the wound and inspect the damage. (sidenote: washing was definitely the right call, but the sensation of skin flapping around under running water is the most disconcerting thing i have experienced) a very deep gash ran about half the length of my thumb, pouring blood. wrapped it back up, walked back out to the main room, and finished helping the customer before calling and arranging for the next employee to come in early (the customer - bless her heart - just thought i "had to go to the bathroom really badly"). as soon as he arrived, i rush my ass to urgent care and many stitches later return to the shop just in time to clock out. luckily the only permanent damage was the scar and a tingly sensation when i touch the scar as it crosses the knuckle (partial nerve damage rather than total), no loss of mobility. also luckily workman's comp meant no bills.

overworked employee in understaffed shop gets cut

opening a shipment

this was a couple of years ago. i lived next to an old woman - a pretty intimidating west indian lady, who after just a week of me living there, shouted at me about some vines that were growing on our shared garden wall. i tried smiling a couple of times when i saw her outside but she just glowered at me, so i just kept my head down after that. anyway... after being there a few months i started hearing a dripping. like she hadn't turned off one of her taps, and this noise was still there the next day and the day after. i started to get a bit worried about her so i knocked on the door... no answer. looked through the letter box and through the windows - couldn't see any sign of her so i decided to ring the police. if she'd had a fall and needed help, and i hadn't done anything then i'd feel awful so... i explained to the police that i don't know the woman, and she could be on holiday for all i know but she was pretty old and there's been a tap dripping for days and no one is answering the door. i'm not sure what response i was expecting but they sent two police cars, an ambulance and a fire engine. which is enough to completely shut down a narrow english terraced street. they kicked her front door down, in front of everyone who lived on the street who had all come out to see what was happening, then broke into a bedroom door that was also locked and... it turns out that she was on her holidays. they actually left a note on the door saying the next door neighbour had called the police. grassed me right up! she gets back from her holiday, her front door is a mess, and comes straight round to my place, going absolutely fucking dingy. i explained why i called the police and she said "what's it to you if i'm dead? what the police going to about that? i don't need no help if i'm dead." edit: for those asking, i would call the police again in the same scenario. also... i've since moved home so it'll be a whole new door for them to kick down! edit 2 - clarifications: the dripping: it was coming from a boiler - not sure how that translates outside of england but it's the unit that powers the central heating system (not an ac unit but rather a hot water system that warms the radiators and hot water that comes out of the taps). i didn't actually see it but the police told me it was that rather than a tap making the noise. there was already a bucket or something underneath and i think it was the drops hitting the build up of water in there that i could hear. the house: it was a terraced house rather than flats/apartments so i'm not sure she even had a landlord for me to call - she could have owned the house. her kitchen led out onto the garden and the boiler was in the kitchen. i could only hear the noise from my garden and once, i knew to listen for it, also from my bedroom with the window open (it overlooked the gardens). i couldn't hear it from anywhere else inside the house.

heard a dripping for several days, thought my elderly neighbour was hurt or dead, called the police and they kicked her door down. she was on holiday.

thinking my elderly neighbour was dead.

this happened a few months ago. this girl i really liked and a couple friends and i were hanging out. driving around, laughing, talking exploring places in my city. it's now late at night and there's this house being built that's absolutely massive. it's just past midnight so it's dark enough we figured we'd go take a look at it. we go in, and this thing is still in pretty early development. just starting the drywall. we go in, i'm walking around, go to the backyard. they have this cool stone path thing they're setting up. between the big rocks, there's large gaps. about 4 feet. i decide to start jumping from rock to rock. i know i can make it. on my way back towards the house, girl (who we'll call rebecca for story sake) is looking at me laughing, as i'm dancing on the rocks and singing. i go to leap, and my foot slips and i slam my leg on the stone. hurts like a bitch. but can't tell rebecca that. so i keep going, come back and we continue to walk around for hours, leg still in pain. eventually, we start heading home, and rebecca asks if she can stay the night. hell yeah. we do our thing, she leaves the next morning. my leg still hurts. weeks go by and my leg is still in pain. go to the doctor and he said i have a fracture on my tibia i've only made worse by walking around on it so damn much. totally worth the slay though. edit: spelling and grammar corrections

i fucked up jumping onto a rock, got to have sex with a girl i liked cause of it, but ended up with a fucked up tibia.

because i wanted to be cool for a girl

so i decided to do an easy ride on the city cycleway (a shared path for pedestrians and cyclists) going around 15-25km/h. i decided to place my hand on the top part of [handlebar](https://i.stack.imgur.com/i1gd0.gif) instead of the hood, for most part of my ride (fyi, riding on the top part basically means your hands are the furthest away from the brakes). why? because i'm a complacent idiot who thinks that things will be smooth sailing and i will not need my brakes if i'm riding on a relatively flat and straight cycleway. so as i was coming to a group of schoolkids, i steered my bike away from them, like normal cyclists would. out of a sudden, two of the kids decided to push each other and one ended up right in my direct path. as my hands were far away from the brakes, i was not able to do an emergency brake and has to veer of into the bush. luckily no one was injured and i managed to recover without having a fall, but it could have ended pretty badly with me crashing straight into the kid.

went on a easy ride, decided to place my hands furthest away from the brakes, almost crashed into a schoolkid because i wasn't able to access the brakes.

riding on the top part of handlebar

obligatory this didn't happen today, was about a month ago. i liked sitting indian state for most of my life. but a month ago, things changed. i sat indian style for about an hour and when i stood up my foot was asleep. no big deal, right? then the bastard stayed asleep for 3 weeks. i went to the doctor, then a neurologist, had an mri, blood work, and a second mri on the way. blood work came back fine. some displacement of my lumbar vertebrae, and i started physical therapy. i now have sciatica/nerve damage, severe foot drop, lost a month of work, about a thousand dollars in medical bills. i am back to work now but i have to wear a brace to keep my foot from dropping, and a brace for my ankle since it is very weak. the numbness subsided but it is still awkward to walk (i am a landscaper). so lesson learned and i hope you all take heed and be weary of sitting indian style. on the plus side, my braces look pretty cool. they still don't know if i will ever be able to life my foot again, but there is some hope because my muscles contract when they use electric stim on my leg. be careful out there fellow indian style enthusiasts.

don't sit indian style too long if you like being able to lift your foot

sitting indian style f'd me up

unlike many such stories, tifu royally. so for the last few days i have felt "the crud" coming on. this generally consists of my tonsils and adenoids swelling until it feels like i am gargling someone's nuts and trying to talk at the same time. a hallmark of these infections is white pustules appearing at the back of my throat, difficulty swallowing, and a sore throat. well every box on that shit list has been checked. usually i will gargle a mixture of warm salt water and listerine to reduce the swelling and help kill off the infection. well a genius idea popped into my head this morning. what if i "pressure washed" the infected nodules off of my tonsils?! surely this would remove some of the infected mess and speed up the healing process. i was a goddamn medical genius. since this is a tifu i am a fucking idiot and don't have the slightest understanding of how tonsillitis actually works. i loaded up the aforementioned water pick with my infection-killing potion. my other trusty tools were a plastic butter knife i was using as a tongue depressor and the led light on my phone. so as i awkwardly juggled my kit i selected my "target areas" and fired that baby up. immediately upon blasting the back of my throat i felt searing pain in my tonsils. i reasoned that this was probably normally as i was trying to forcefully remove infected tissue. i made it about 20 seconds into this whole experience before i shor this mixture into my wind pipe. i quickly began to choke and gag all while spraying the walls and ceiling of the bathroom with my salt water/listerine mix. this led me to blindly stumble to the bath tub and where i promptly spent the next five minutes vomiting seawater, mouth wash and blood. sadly no infected tissue was removed. i cleaned myself up and stepped back to survey the damage to the bathroom (water closet, loo, toilet/shower area or whatever you call it). it smelled like aquaman had jerked off with a bottle of mouth wash and promptly left a mere mortal to clean up his mess. so i am left with a (more) sore throat, a near death experience and a better understanding of how tonsillitis works after doing some reading on wikipedia. later in the day i went to a walk-in clinic like a big boy and was given an oral antibiotic. this was my only day off this week.

i tried to use a water pick to perform surgery on my tonsils and ended up nearly drowning myself.

performing surgery on myself with a water pick

so i have a really big problem with letting myself avoid things, which is just part of my really big anxiety problem. last year around christmas time i got a really bad tooth infection that hurt like hell so after a few days of binging on pain killers and hoping it would go away on it's own i went to the dentist. they found the infection and said i'd need to come back for a root canal. the pain went away before i even finished the antibiotics and even the weird bump in my gums wasn't there so being the dumbass i am i decided that that means i don't need to go back. now two days ago i started feeling the pain again, and yesterday when i woke up the left side of my face was really swollen. i don't even think it's done getting bigger. i already had to get some surgery and have to get more tuesday and wednesday. they cut a whole deep into my gums and put a plastic straw in to keep it open so it drains out and now there's pus and blood randomly trickling into my mouth.

my face went from [this](https://i.imgur.com/7huawjp.jpg) to [this](https://i.imgur.com/nbyun9f.jpg) in just half a day because i'm stupid and scared of doctors offices.

not going to the dentist

obligatory "this was not today" statement, this fuck up actually happened february of last year. i've been trying to think of a good story to put here and finally i remembered this. i should start this by saying i've never really done drugs, and i rarely drink. so going to my first real college party was a new experience. it started like i imagined it would; pre-drinking at some other guys house for a little bit before leaving and heading out to the bar. however, a few minutes before we left, the host of the party (imma just call him greg from here on) pulled out a box of brownies. i quickly realized that they weren't your typical brownies; they were weed brownies. i thought "screw it, it's my first real party, let's try it out". so, i ate one of them. feeling nothing after a few minutes, i ask if i can try another. greg says "are you sure? one brownie is normally enough to get someone messed up". as i'm quite a few drinks in at this point, i'm like "nah dude it's fine" and take a second one, having no idea what i am getting myself into. so, 40 minutes later, we're sitting in a bar on the main street, and i'm starting to feel a bit tired. not really paying attention, i kind of lower my gaze to the table, then look back up. i wish i could describe what i saw/felt like in that moment. everything was brighter and slower and in like...hyper-resolution. i felt like i was floating, and i started to find everything hilarious. it was super stereotypical marijuana symptoms that i didn't think i was going to have until that exact moment. i tried my best to hide how much it was hitting me but considering the fact that i was sitting there giggling at my fingers i felt like it was kind of obvious. this goes on for hours and i don't feel any less wrecked, until 2am hits and we go home. so, this is already bad, but here's the kicker. tomorrow is the start of spring break. in 4 hours i have to catch a bus and go home for a week. i stayed at greg's place because it was close to the terminal. so i'm pacing around my room trying to sober up (which i now know doesn't work) and freaking out hardcore like "if i don't sober up soon is the bus driver gonna know i'm high as a kite? am i fucked?" short answer: yes. well, not extremely. i somehow manage to wake up after 4 hours of sleep and stumble to my bus. i thought the effects would be gone by the time i got home. they weren't. i don't even know how this happened but i spent the first two days of spring break feeling stoned out of my gourd barely functioning as a human. my parents did realize something was wrong, but didn't tell me till a few days later. thankfully, they didn't really care much. didn't really make up for the headache i had for days after though.

didn't know how strong edibles could be and ended up being stoned for two days in front of my family.**

not knowing how strong edibles are.

so this didnt happen today but two years ago, i just found this sub so i decided i could post this. decided to keep it short so i left out some parts. so two years ago i was on a vacation in the alps with my whole family. the cabin we rented was fairly large and me and my cousins had a room in the basement. after a day of skiing we decided to chill out in our room, but the internet was shit down there. we then realized that it was a bit better in the staircase then what it was in our room. so fast forward a bit and i go to sit down beside my cousin in the staircase when my left arm bumps into a light spot in the wall. it doesnt sound so bad, its just a light right? nope, it has a piece of metal sourounding it and its fucking hot. like hotter than a stove on full power hot. so i can feel it stinging a bit and i pull my arm towards me and look at it only to see that ive melt of half the skin on my left forearm. we went to the doctor teh next day and they told me it was a 2nd and 3rd degree burn and they gave me some meds and bandages and told me to go to my doctor when i got home.

sat down in a staircase, accidently put my arm on a hot piece of metal, got a 2nd and 3rd degree burn which bascially ruined my vacation in the alps.

sitting down in a staircase

today actually started off not to bad. i'm homeless living in my car. woke up outside walmart and just chilled out surfing reddit till it warmed up, then i went over to the library and found a coupon in my email for something i wanted that was already on sale. order it online for pickup. its right next to taco bell where i can try out the new box and try to win an xbox... generally better than usual day. after lunch i'm sitting in my car playing wiiu, finishing my baha blast when i go to fart and baha blast my pants. see i'm out of cash and just been using my credit card. it seemed logical in my position to only eat once a day too. so taco bell after not eating with my stomach = poo in the pants. but it's like you have lots of iffy farts... you gotta check. so i stick my finger in my pants and pull it out covered in liquid shit. lucky i already have water proof seat covers. and i had a towel close by to put under me. but now i have to drive, one hand with shit on it, to a discreet bathroom. the partly good thing about living in a car is i'm accustom to getting cleaned up in random bathrooms, and i have it all with me. the bad part is no parking near this bathroom. so, i have to walk 100 ft in front of 6 cars worth of people in the park... trying to hold my backpack awkwardly over my shame. finish my liquid shit in the port o john. and break out the wet wipes...

i shit my pants

trusting a fart

this happened a few weeks ago. i was in fred meyer and got the urge to poop. it was going to be a good one, i had steak the night before and hadn't pooped yet, and ate french toast the morning after, with a giant five guys burger for lunch. it was gonna be a thick loaf, and i was looking forward to dropping this monster and coming out 10 pounds lighter. i found a stall, sat down, and did my business. this thing didn't just plop down into the bowl...it smacked the porcelain with an audible thud. it felt like it was 2 feet long, came out in a nice steady rate, and felt pretty wide. i was proud of this thing and i hadn't even seen it yet. i wiped, checked the paper...clean! amazing! it was the kind of turd men dream of. so, i stood up and turned around to marvel at my creation. i bent down to inspect it closer, because this was truly historical and i though it would be funny to take a pic and send it to my brother. he had sent me a pretty gross pic of the aftermath of a chinese buffet, so i wanted to show him how a real man digested his food and packaged his waste. as i bent down to take a picture of this redwood log, the automatic flusher activated. the log was so massive, and the flusher so powerful, that the spray didn't have enough force to shove it down the toilet hole, and instead had the effect of turning a spoon upside down under a running faucet. i jerked back, but alas, my reflexes were not fast enough. like something out of a movie, a drop of toilet water sailed out of the bowl and landed directly in my right eye, along with another drop that landed on my lip. naturally, i freaked out. i turned and tried to run to the sink, but i had my eyes squeezed shut, and i couldn't find the latch to open the door. i slammed my shoulder into the stall a few times in panic but it didn't open. finally it opened, and i waddled/hopped to the sink, spitting out in a constant stream of air to try and force the drop off my lip and any residue or germs it may have had on it. i sounded like an angry daffy duck. now, this must have sounded terrifying, with the spitting and the banging into the door, because this little kid in the stall next to me started whimpering and crying, and then began to full out wail. i'm trying to wash off the poopy water from my lip and rinse out my eye in the sink and this kid just won't stop wailing, damn near screaming. then, i hear the men's room door creak open and a woman's voice calls out, "aiden? aiden what's wrong?" the dumb kid didn't answer and just kept wailing. so his mom bursts into the men's room, looks at me with my pants down to my ankles (my underwear was pulled up thank god) bent over washing my face in the sink, and yells out loudly "what did you do!? aiden???" i had removed my poopy contact at this point and could hardly see, the mom runs over to the bathroom stall her kid is crying in, tells him to crawl under the door (did he even wipe?) and drags him out before he can even crawl out. she runs out of the bathroom with him still wailing, he was probably 6 or 7 years old but i wanted to punch him for being such a little wimp and for being named aiden. by now i'm positive she said something to the manager or the employees because she seemed like a "let me see your manager" type of mother. so, with head down, one contact in, and pants now pulled up, i rushed out of the men's room and bee lined to the door. felt like everyone was staring at me because i made some little kid cry in the bathroom doing who knows what.

i bent down to inspect my awesome turd, toilet sprayed water in my eye, made a kid cry as i freaked out, his mom barged in and dragged him out of the bathroom crying.

inspecting my poop [nsfw]

literally happened about an hour and a half ago. i was taking my usual hot n steamy shower, just the way i like em. started feeling kind of lethargic, but whatever, i've been up since before 7am so of course i was tired. i get out, dry off, plop myself in front of my full-body mirror to have a go at my recently pierced nose piercing since i've been trying to get a hoop in rather than the stud that's been chillin' in there since i got it pierced back in may. after 5 minutes of screwing with it, i took the hoop out after multiple attempts. by now my nose is pretty sore and its bleeding a bit out of the piercing. i grab the stud and start poking it through. it slides into the first, outer hole with ease. the 'exit' hole inside of my nose though was proving to be tricky. after some fiddling around, i get aggressive and push the piercing hard. eyes watered up, it hurt like a bitch, but i got it through. now's where the "fu" begins - i don't know if it was the immense burst of pain from my nose or the scorching hot shower but i started seeing stars. logically, i decide to stand up and gtfo of there. well i guess i stood up way too fast because my blood pressure must have tanked at that point. my vision was gettin reaaaal fuzzy and black now and my head started feeling kind of "buzzy", legs wobbly. mom's spaghett- sorry. anywho, honestly the fu was just that. i didn't actually make it to pass-out stage since i just immediately threw myself down on my bed and the "buzziness" / fuzzy vision faded away as quickly as it came.

way-too-hot shower + immense pain by re-piercing my nose stud results in a woozy, nearly passed-out /u/perpterts.

almost passing out after re-piercing my own nose

mandatory didn't happen today, was three days ago. so, three days ago a friend of mine (more like a fwb to be honest) was dead set on us going clubbing. there was a party with dj's we knew in a club we usually go to so i thought why the hell not! i was on the last day of my period and with my mooncup i thought i would be a-ok. the night progressed to us taking half a blotter of lsd each. however, this was some really intense stuff. i was tripping hard by the time we got home with some friends we picked up at the club. we we're enjoying music and chilling at my apartment but since i knew sexy times were a-waiting i thought it'd be a good idea to remove my mooncup. as i was on the last day of my period -i don't usually bleed out much anyway- i certainly didn't expect a full cup to be waiting for me, which then somehow slipped in my hand as i was taking it out **covering the entire bathroom floor with blood.** at least that's what it looked like when i was tripping. there was blood on the shower curtain, on my thighs, on the floor, maybe even in the cat litter box... so then i had to proceed with cleaning up the entire bathroom while tripping on high quality acid. i have no idea how much time it took for me to make sure there was no evidence of my fuck up, i was sweating profusely and was just *hoping* no one had noticed how much time i ended up spending in the bathroom. at least no one asked any questions, so i'm guessing they never even noticed i was gone... and sexy times still happened! so yay for that. i guess there's no morale to this story other than be careful when you do things while high?

tried to empty my mooncup while high on lsd, ended up covering the entire bathroom floor with blood. clean up was not fun.

trying to remove my mooncup while high on lsd

a little backstory: i've got pretty severe keratosis pilaris on my legs, shaving pretty much scrapes off a bit of my skin. but, it been crazy hot lately and i decided that it would be a cooler with hairless legs. so, my fuck up; i shaved and had a couple of wounds. after bleeding a little i decided to use one of my homemade scrubs. i love this one, i usually make it with sugar, coconut oil, coffee grounds and cinnamon. makes me smell like a cup of coffee. so i'm happily scrubbing away, my cat sitting next to me keeping me company. i started to realize my legs were burning with pain. it's then i remember i used salt instead of sugar in that scrub. stung like a goddamn bitch, started crying while trying to rinse off that shit that was caked on because of the coconut oil. i'm pretty sure i traumatized my cat with my screaming.

by salting my cut up legs

shaving and scrubbing my legs

when i was 8 years old, i was over at my grandma's due to summer break. now, my grandma lives next to a family that has like 5 kids, two of them which are twins are my friends. at the time, they were 13 or something. we were hanging out with another friend who lives around that area, who is one year older than me. here's where shit starts to go downhill. they suggest we go knock down mangoes at a nearby place there is. i tell them i'm going (even though my mom always told me not to), they trying to be responsible (which they never are), said no. me, being a stubborn little prick decided to follow them anyways. sooo... they fucking booked it (i get tired while running sometimes, and there are rocks in the pathway which makes this harder) they decided to hide in a bush farther in the path (note: the place where my grandma leaves is just kind of a really long pathway, with the houses and some places in between). i eventually find them, so they just fucking run. i decide i had enough of that shit, and start speeding towards them. eventually, i grab on to one of their shirts, and we're eventually at the place we we're going to. they tell me to watch from a distance. buuut, this being the middle of the caribbean, standing out in the hot sun, in the middle of the summer, i decide "fuck it, what could go wrong", i slowly make my way to the start of the shade without stepping on pig shit. at this point my friends are already throwing rocks at the mango tree. i watch from a safe distance, and then i fucked up... big time. i got closer to watch more clearly from what i thought was a safe distance. i was wrong. a few seconds later, my friend who is one year older thows a rock at the tree. it gets stuck there, something which i have not noticed. then, as i'm talking to one of the guys, a rock hits me in the head. followed by excruciating pain. i start screaming as if saw someone get murdered, the screaming then turned into crying. that's when i saw blood pouring down my face. my friends rushed me over to the main path, entered one of my mom's friends houses, and the woman helped me wash my face and put a wet cloth on my head. we left the place, while i was still crying. i remember crying "mommy, i want my mommy". my mom then heard me, thought i got into a fight, and then saw what was actually going on. my mom washed my head, we got a ride from the uncle of the friend who hit me. i remember thinking "this hurts so fucking bad, i'm gonna fucking die", we went to a hospital (which, by the way i stopped crying on the way there) i ended up getting 3 stitches, while my mom couldn't watch cause she has a weak stomach. my dad wasn't there, though he was coming later. i had something to explain to him later. needless to say, i have a kinda visible bald spot in the center of my head now. i still kept going there with my friends every now and then though, but we haven't gone to knock down mangoes ever since.

didn't listen to my mom and my friends' advice, ended with three stitches on my head.

standing under a tree while trying to knock mangoes out trees with my friends

this happened last saturday. i have a 19 year old nephew who stays with me in colorado to go to school because his parents (my cheap brother and his wife) are too cheap to pay for his own apartment. it takes a toll out of my finances because he eats so much and drinks so much water that he leaves empty cups around and it pisses me off. things are never ***just*** ***right*** with this kid. with that being said, my nephew is actually loaded with cash but is very conservative. but that didn't stop him from buying a new fast computer with a virtual reality headset. sometimes when he's gone for school, i just use his computer to watch porn because my wife isn't ***just*** ***right*** and my computer can't even open more than 1 tab without dying: both of those frustrate me. i let out my frustration by watching extreme crisp quality porn using his vr headset and i must say it is fucking amazing. however, this is how the fuck up happens. on last saturday, i came home from costco with steak to eat during the mayweather vs. mcgregor fight. before i take my time with the steak, i went to watch some vr porn while my nephew was going to be at a friend's house watching the same mayweather vs. mcgregor fight but with his friends. the coast is clear. i put on the headset and basked in the glory of today's technologies and titties. i was going to cum. i went one stroke too far and hit the point of no return too fast. i could not see where i was going to aim my fluids so i panicked and grabbed anything on the desk to deflect the shot. a water bottle. i was struggling until i realized it was already open and quickly blew my load into the bottle. for some reason, after clearing out of incognito mode and turning off the computer, i forgot about the water bottle and went to go marinate the steak. a few days go by without me realizing the water bottle has still yet been disposed. i suddenly come home after some errands and i smell a faint of cat piss on my fucking expensive carpet except the piss smells a bit ***off***. i suddenly realized that it was most likely my cum that was spilled on the carpet. i wondered to myself: "but how?". i realized my nephew most likely tried to drink it thinking it was water and immediately spat it out on the carpet not knowing what the hell he drank. i was definitely not going to tell him and to me he fucking deserved it for all the empty cups he left out. i haven't heard from him yet and i still need to plan my excuses to be ***just*** ***right*** so there's no way it could be pinned on me. it's my fucking carpet anyway. now i have to get my carpet replaced which will cost me about $1000 for that section of the house.

i came inside my nephew's water bottle when he was away while i watched porn on his computer with vr. he spilled it on my carpet after probably drinking it. replacement costs me $1000. fuck him

putting bodily fluids in my nephew's water bottle. [nsfw]

so this has been going on for awhile now but this week it all came together. these past few days i've been plagued by an awful smell in my nose. i would smell it maybe once an hour and it would make me gag. i've stopped and asked others if they smell something and the answer is always no. i accused my wife of bad breath and i made her check me for body odor in case i just can't recognize my own stink. nothing, and she didn't believe that i even smelled anything to begin with. it was so bad that the occasional wiff would make me want to puke or it would give me a headache. literally one of the worst smells i've ever smelled. today i started doing research about phantom smells and convinced myself that i had a face or brain tumor that was slowly killing me. either that or i was rotting on the inside and could smell my own death coming. i spent the evening contemplating how i was dying and wondering which doctor i could see to evaluate me. eventually, tonight, i went to go pee and i smelled it again. this awful smell that made me sick. i don't know what made me do this but i put my finger in my belly button and smelled it. i almost died. it was disgusting. i can't remember the last time i even came close to cleaning my belly button. i then took toilet paper and wiped the inside of my belly button to discover a sludge like substance had formed inside. i gagged and wondered if i'd have preferred the brain tumor than this embarrassment. i quickly cleaned out my belly button and threw the toilet paper in the toilet. i forgot to flush in my excitement. i walked out and was so relieved to have found the issue. my wife walked in the bathroom behind me to find that the odor of my soaking belly button waste had stunk up the bathroom. she was smothered in my stink. i tried to tell her i farted but it was so bad she said i had to have sharted. it's my wife so i had to confess. she looked at me in awe. she didn't even know who i was. the grossest man alive maybe. she left the restroom, made me take a shower, and vowed she would not have sex with me until she forgot about the whole mess. i am now laying in bed alone and ashamed of my belly button. clean your belly button guys.

didn't clean my belly button out for months leading to a sickening smell that i thought was just me dying. ended up being my belly button and i'm sleeping alone tonight.

not cleaning my belly button (nsfw)

this happened earlier this morning; i do the usual: shit, shower and shave but this time while i was mid-shower when i'd just started to shave my you know what w/ a manual razor i realised i had plans to go out with a few friends in less than 20 mins. and here i am, standing with my nuts in one hand and a manual razor in another. thinking to myself, calculating to myself how much time i would need to shave everything (including my actual beard with another razor) in under 15 minutes, i soon realised that i would have no time to do my balls with a normal razor...and then i had the smartest idea: what if i use my old beardtrimmer on the lowest length to quickly trim my balls? i reached into my draw to grab the old beardtrimmer that i don't use anymore (ironically enough because it used to cut me when i shaved my beard.) but time is ticking. i have 13 minutes to shave my balls, and then clean up my beard with another raz-"ahhhhhhh fuck!" i screamed at the top of my lungs when the trimmer sliced into the bottom of my ballsack, with 4 deep cuts from where the biggest razors point out. there is a lot of blood. too much blood, it goes all over my legs, shower floor and soon enough the towel i had to throw on to go and grab some more toilet roll to clean up the mess. oh and remember how i had the gathering with some friends? yeah i had to apologies and give an accuse saying i was not feeling well today and when i was feeling better i would come and meet up with everyone again.

tried to save time by using a beard trimmer on my balls and ended up slicing my balls and making it very hard to walk around.

using a beard trimmer to shave my balls.

let me start by saying i don't normally work weekends. so, it's labor day monday and all the employees were asked if one person wanted to pick up a shift saturday and one on monday to cover our customers who may need service due to the increased traffic on the holiday weekend. there are two guys i work with who love the overtime and always do it but come to find out one of them said no so i figured i'd step up and help my boss out. get up early, get to work, pre-trip my truck, stop at the gas station to fuel up the truck and grab something to hold me off for the few hours i'll be at work. i ended up grabbing a protein milk shake thing (which was really good might i add) and a 44oz fountain poweraide. i only had three stops by they were all spread way out. so, i drink my milk shake in like 2 minutes, it's not that big of a bottle, and i start sipping my drink. first stop is 45 minutes from the depot. get there, deliver and i need to piss pretty badly. it's one of those gas stations that you pull into, see it and say "i'll chance it to the next one". bathroom is covered in piss and it smells horrible so i decided to hold it. next stop is 40 minutes. despite my urge to pee, i naturally sipped my drink for 40 minutes because singing loudly makes you thirsty (duh). get to my next stop, deliver and by this point i really have to pee. like, my bladder hurts now. problem is, it's a high traffic location and i can't leave my truck unattended. well, i technically can, but i prefer not to. plus, it's saturday and i'm just trying to knock this route out and get home. punched in the next address and i'm 1 hour 43 minutes away. there's no way in hell i can hold it that long. i start looking in the truck for a bottle to piss in and all i have is my 44oz, which i'm still drinking, and that little protein milk shake bottle. now, mind you, this isn't my first rodeo. i've pissed in a bottle quite a few times if i know none of my upcoming stops have restrooms and i really have to go and i hate stopping while i'm on route at like a gas station. i have a routine, i fill up my truck every morning, get my drink for the day and a snack and i don't stop again unless i'm delivering or i'm done. the parking lot is heavily populated so i let some air out of my seat to drop me down a little, unzip and pop my little buddy out just a tiny bit and let it rip. trying to look natural isn't easy while pissing but damn, i felt like i was doing a great job. i start to realize, shit, i had to pee more than i thought. i hope this bottle can hold it all. i'm not exaggerating when i say that not even 3 seconds later i realized it started flowing back out into my lap. i panicked and stopped myself but i mistakenly dumped some of it on my lap when i tilted the bottle. so, now, i'm sitting there with my shorts covered in piss, my truck seat is wet and my last stop is almost 2 hours away. luckily i had a roll of paper towels in my truck so i started dabbing myself trying to dry it all while trying not to bring attention to the fact that from outside the truck it probably looks like i'm playing with myself. i ended up sticking one under me, one in my pants and one on my lap to try and clean myself. i then had to make the 2-hour drive, wet and feeling disgusting and smelling piss like a child who wet the bed and then an hour drive back to the depot. oh, and to top it off, i get back to the depot and the mechanic had shown up to do some pms on the trucks. i get out and he comes over and asks me to leave my keys. he then makes a funny face and says "something smells like piss" and i just looked around and said "hm?" it was shameful.

had to pee really bad but had no restroom to use, peed in an inadequately sized bottle which overflowed into my lap. then had to drive in my piss pants almost 2 hours to my last stop and then an hour back to my depot. bonus, the mechanic noticed i smelled like piss when i got back.

peeing in a bottle

full disclosure, this particular fuckup happened a couple of years ago before i ever browsed reddit. at the time it became an infamous story in my close circle of friends. one i had long pushed out of my mind until one of them reminded me about it a couple days ago. thought it would fit nicely here. so, after spending a typical weekend with my longtime girlfriend i walk her out to her car and she drives off back to her place. i head inside and beeline for the bathroom. lift up the seat, look down to aim, and get the shock of my life to see a thick and gooey discharge at the tip of my dick. "what the fuck?" i say to myself. "is that leftover cum? what the hell is that?" i wipe it off and more dribbles out. i head straight for google. web md will probably tell me its cancer, but i grab my laptop and go through everything. i brush aside all mentions of venereal diseases and assure myself its gotta be something else. the next day i call my gp and tell her its urgent, i have to see her. she squeezes me in for an appointment. i get to the office and though i'm nervous, i tell myself there is no way its an sti, it just can't be. still though, as soon as i start my story with the nurse she tells me what i fear most, its definitely gonorrhea. she starts asking me about my recent sexual history, how many partners i've had, if i've been using condoms, the whole deal. i tell her no way. no fucking way. i've only been with one girl the past two years and she definitely hasn't been with anyone else. the look she gave me said it all, "you poor dumb fuck, your girlfriend is probably getting her brain pushed out her ears by sixty dudes as we speak." i ignore her, she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, she's no doctor. i sit there with a dumb look on my face while my doctor educates me about the clap. "no big deal," she says, "its not like you have aids, this will be cleared up pretty quick. we'll take your blood to be sure its nothing else but we've gotta give you a different test." i'm not even listening, i'm trying to come to terms with the reality that my girlfriend is the one dion warned me about. runaround sue gave me the fucking clap. i'm texting her as they lead me to another room. you can guess what i'm writing to her. my doctor motions to the table, tells me to take off my pants and lay down on my back. hold the fuck up. what was this other test? she's got the longest cotton swab i've ever seen in her hand and i finally realize where its going. fuck. after all these years, thats the clearest memory in my mind. the feeling of that dry dry cotton snaking its way up my dick and the twist of death the doctor does. two or three turns to make sure she's got a proper sample. fire in my urethra. then slowly she pulls it out. now i'm not an idiot, i know how catheters work and i'm hardly the first person to have something slid up my urethra, but as anyone will tell you, lube makes all the difference. so now i've got a sore dick and an angry girlfriend who i can't help but imagine is texting me about her faithfulness while she's probably on her knees at an orgy. doctor calls me two days later. "you'll never believe it! the discharge was caused by the streptococcus bacteria. you're partner must have it and isn't showing symptoms, she must have...transmitted it to you somehow. i'm writing you a prescription for antibiotics. sorry, i was sure it was gonorrhea." no big deal doc.

girlfriend didn't know she had strep throat. spent the weekend with me and transmitted it to me in a rather unusual way. i ended up with what i thought was gonorrhea but was actually strepdick. got a cotton swab up my peehole as punishment for not trusting my girlfriend. sore dick, and an angry girlfriend. probably still better than gonorrhea though.

doubting my girlfriend and getting a cotton swab inserted far into my urethra

obligatory this didn't happen today, it was technically on tuesday. we have this amazing ethnic grocery store in my town. it's like a cave of wonders, carrying mostly things for expats from russia and the caucasus, like deli meats, bread, spices and so on. and mineral water. i'm a huge fan of mineral water, and usually pick tasty, crystalline sparkling waters from lots of places. so tuesday i ‎was doing a deli round as usual, and i thought i'd pick up a few bottles of mineral water. i absent-mindedly grabbed something russian-looking off the shelf and went about my groceries. fast-forward to tuesday night, and my so wants to taste the cool russian water i got, opens a bottle, takes a whiff, and is instantly like: "do you smell something awfully chemical?" figuring my so is just a big ol' pussy and overestimating my mineral water experience, i grab the bottle and take a swig.   jayzus. terribly bitter, salty and mostly tasted of /r/cringe. am i going to die? i mean that shit was shrimpin'!‎ it was like drinking salty marsh-water from the devil's armpit.  so, quick and panicked interwebs search later, it turns out i accidentally bought [essentuki #17](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/yessentuki), which is a naturally salty mineral water that does wonders (therapeutically) for diabetes and liver disease.  but wait, there's more: this miracle-cure dr. oz health craze water is actually *super sought after* by those in the know. and like all hot commodities, it is [sometimes counterfit](http://simphealth.com/en/pages/1662784). the real thing only comes in glass bottles and should stink the stank of rotten eggs when you open it. and mine doesn't.  so what the heck do they put in fake mineral water to make it taste like grandma's footbath, i don't know, but i'm heckin worried right now, reddit.‎ ‎

expected russian perrier, got ‎fake marsh-water from the devil's armpit.‎

buying exotic fart-water

the following events actually happened today. for the last year or so, i have been diligently growing this little bump on my back. call it a wart, a cyst, whatever. right between my shoulder blades, just a little left of my spine, and *riiiiiight* on the threshold of the 'can't-reach-it-without-a-friend' zone. it's nothing to worry about, i swear. just last night, after a shower, my girlfriend was giving me the ole "you should really see a doctor yadda yadda i want you to be healthy yadda yadda" spiel. i just told her, in my best schwarzenegger, "it's not a tumor." and it most certainly is not. it's just this weird little bump under my skin, no bigger than a marble, or a walnut if you're using the metric system. it doesn't hurt or anything. i've actually grown quite fond of it. until today... i was at work, awaiting my coworker to relieve me from my shift around 5 o clock. he shows up, i'm shooting the shit with him, and casually scratching my own back. try to imagine this as appearing "casual." right as my coworker is telling me about his weekend plans i feel my backbuddy^tm gurgle beneath my fingers and change in shape. i remove my hand from my work shirt and see what appears to be a small amount of mashed potatoes smeared across my fingertips. curiosity and mild confusion mingle upon my face until the stench hits. suddenly my coworker's weekend plans to visit his long-lost blahblahblah didn't seem so intriguing once i experienced the smell of death itself. perhaps you have never smelled the distinct odor of pus. i imagine war veterans are familiar with the harrowing scent. i, for one, have never smelled something so vile or corrosive. god, i can get a whiff of it right now as i type. it smells worse than your high school bully's diarrhea. it is the smell of hatred and doom. that smell is *pure evil*. immediately, i bolt for the bathroom. alarm bells going in my head and i'm thinking, "it's happening!" i reach the public bathroom door, lock it shut (thank god for singular restrooms) and stand in front of the mirror before i pull my shirt off over my head. my back, fortunately, does not resemble a crime scene like i'd expected. i decide to be a gross human being and squeeze my back knob to see what happens. it changes in shape, feels like some air bubbles are being released(?), and i wipe my back clean with some paper towels. by now the bathroom smells like...not my problem -- it's the end of my shift! i pull my shirt on, leave the bathroom, clock out, and head home. driving home was peaceful enough, with the windows down of course. i was careful not to deface the delicate upholstery of my vehicle with my bodily excretions. upon arriving home, i disrobe immediately inside the front door. shirt off, pants down. leave the socks. walk to the bathroom. look in the mirror. game face. i squeeze that itty-bitty protuberance with as much might as i can muster at this angle behind my back. *pus confetti.* ribbons of pus. stream all over my bathroom. the wall. the mirror. the fucking ceiling. my eyes are watering. my jaw is clenched. *everything* is clenched. the bump is literally making tiny squeaking sounds as i squeeze it mightily. it may have been screams. i'm not kidding. i'm salivating like a hungry animal who digs the pain for some reason. the smell is offending my ancestors. and at this point i'm fairly certain my girlfriend is going to leave me once she sees/ smells this biological catastrophe. i jump into the hottest shower i have ever taken. i need to grieve. my relationship is dead, for certain. my backbuddy^tm is vanquished. i don't really know what to do. upon exiting the shower, i see i have a text waiting from me on my phone. it's from my boss. "this is embarrassing, but plz explain to me what happened in the company restroom before u left today. customers have complained about the smell." with this picture attached: http://imgur.com/a/gwjsa edit: still waiting for the girlfriend to come home. the smell lingers like a ghost and seems to follow me around the house, no matter how many candles i've lit. maybe it's in my nose forever. dear god. edit2: i still don't know what to tell my boss. do i deny it was me? do i explain myself? god he must be imagining the absolute worst. am i going to lose my job holy shit edit3: still have my job, hallelujah. i feigned ignorance to my boss and then snuck a bottle of industrial bleach and a box of gloves into the restroom first thing the next morning. badda bing badda boom. what bodily fluids? to clarify: i was not initially aware i had left a mess in a public place. i would never intentionally expose innocent people to my bodily sin, don't be ridiculous. my fuck-up resides in these simple factors: (1) it was the end of my shift and i was rushing to leave, (2) i was probably in a state of mild shock tbh, and (3) i never would have thought to check for back shrapnel on *the opposite wall of the restroom*. in fact, i wasn't even aware i was capable of that feat until i destroyed our nice bathroom at home. speaking of which, my girlfriend still loves me. she's thoroughly disturbed by the way i anonymously read my own post to her, as if this shit *didn't* go down right in her nice clean bathroom. but she quickly caught on and had a good laugh. turns out she still has that gag reflex after all. edit4: apparently some of you are concerned about the timeline of this event. /r/tifu has rules about submitting posts involving bodily emissions during the week. so i resubmitted over the weekend. simple copy-paste jobbie. my bad. edit5: and another thing. i'm aware this was a gross story. yes, op is disgusting. thank you. but if i can't make some of you internet fuckers lose your appetites then what can i do?? you're welcome.

accidentally ruptured a cyst on my back. made pus spaghetti all over my workplace bathroom walls and got called out. forever haunted by the mere stench.**

scratching my back.

this fuck up happened when i was in the fifth grade. evs is environmental science and is basically science + social studies. my evs teacher assigned us a class project for some alternative forms of medicine class unit. we were to make a simple facial cream, and the teacher basically wanted to see what sort of stupid shit the students would come up with. my two partners were just as useless as i was, and we dicked around until the day before submission. the night before, none of us had done shit. somehow, the task landed on me and i was forced to half-ass the facial cream. i went into the kitchen and took an assortment of ingredients. i don't remember all the things we put in there, but i do know that the final concoction contained coriander seeds, lemon juice and an unknown quantity of mint. i mixed it up earnestly and added water until i was left with an icky green mixture. it was smooth-ish to feel, and it didn't resemble facial cream of any kind, but it was too late to try anything else. i poured the cream into a small bottle and packed it in my bag. my evs class was right before lunch and our teacher went around the class, half-heartedly examining each bottle before moving on. before she reached our table, unbeknownst to me, somebody shook the bottle. she came up to our table, examined the bottle, almost with a sense of foreboding. she put her binder down and opened the bottle. ***boom.*** that sound may be an exaggeration, but the effect certainly wasn't. the green shit shot upwards from the bottle and stained everything in sight, including the teacher's white blouse and the ceiling. the whole class erupted along with the cream, and it was at that moment that i knew that i had truly fucked up.

fifth grader had to make a facial cream. shot out of the bottle and gave the teacher more than she bargained for.

making a green bomb in my evs class.

so to set the scene, i work in bank (i'm a telephony operator) where the only other building nearby is a tesco which fortunately is right next door, i shop there nearly everyday getting my lunch and what not, i also know the security guard who works there by name as we used to work together. anyhow so i'm on my lunch break and i'm at the self service till putting all my stuff through and it's more than my usual shop, as i need to get some back to school stuff, so i have to put my card in the machine to enter my pin, after putting the items in my backpack (certainly not buying any 5p bags) i walk out and get back to work. i go to check my pocket as i'm entering the foyer to where i work and i notice my card isn't in there so i immediately take a brisk walk back to tesco and whilst walking through the entrance i see one of the staff members holding my card and giving it to customer services so i immediately say "i'm pretty sure that's my card", at this point only a couple of minute have elapsed since i had bought my shopping and walked back into the store. i was asked for id so i show my badge for my work as they know us quite well, it has my name, a photo of me, the banks logo and it's on a plastic card so not some cheap print out; i also show my receipt showing the last 4 digits and all the items i just bought and also say that i can show her my online banking app. the customer services lady advised me that this wasn't good enough and that i would need either a driving license or a passport, both of which i don't have, so i say to the lady "i don't drive and i can't afford a holiday so i don't have a passport, but i know someone who works here and they know me by name, i still need to buy school stuff for monday, c'mon surely that's good enough?" with that she drops it in the lost and found bag, looks up at me and says to me "i'm reallllly sorrrrry but i can'ttttt, it's our policyyyyyy". i start physically shaking as i feel my british sensibilities leaving me, so in the politest way possible without raising my voice i tell her "you are being fucking ridiculous, there's no way in the space of a couple of minutes i've robbed someone called melk0r87 and his receipt, printed my face on his badge and bribed someone in your store to tell you i'm melk0r fucking 87" and then i walked out, i was buzzing for hours after that as i've never gone off at someone before. so that was yesterday and here i am today stuck at work from 8-5 so i can't go into an actual bank to withdraw money to get the last of the back to school things for monday. also i do regret going off at the lady but the security guy and i used to work in a different grocery retailer prior to this and no way would we have not given the card.

i left my card for a couple of minutes in a shop, they wont give it back and now i can't get my daughter school shoes for the start of the new school year

leaving my bank card in a shop before the start of the school year

this happened two days back. i have recently started hitting the gym. i am in college and living in a dorm, so the best source of protein for me is a protein powder. let me rewind to last friday, when i did my normal routine at the gym, came back to my room and had my protein shake. the procrastinator in me forgets to wash the shaker and i just leave it on the table. monday and wednesday go by and i don't go to the gym because i am drowning with assignments. i have forgotten all about that shaker. i come back to my room on thursday night and when i open the door a pungent ammonia-like smell fills my nostrils. i look around and try to find an explanation. i see the protein shaker lid on the floor. my jaw drops to the floor. the protein must have decomposed inside while the lid was shut tightly causing ammonia to build up. eventually, the pressure must have become too much for the shaker to hold which resulted in the lid being blown off. (that's why i have decided to switch to a shaker with screw on lid instead of the kind that gets sealed by pressing it into place. i trust myself to have another tifu moment.) now the ammonia smell is in all my clothes, in my electronics, and in my room. i cleaned everything to the best of my ability, left the electronics in the sun for a bit (mom's advice) and had to wash all the clothes that were outside the wardrobe. ----------

i forgot to wash the shaker after drinking my protein shake causing ammonia to build up inside the shaker over the span of 5-6 days which blew the top off of the shaker and coated everything in my room with the stench of ammonia.

forgetting to wash the shaker after drinking my protein shake.

so that didnt actually happen today but like two years back. me and my ex were having a long distance relationship, and after a few months we decided she would introduce me to her parents with me staying for 4 days at their place. so i hop on the train and get there to meet her mum . everything goes well, we have a little small talk etc, get along pretty well. after 1 or 2 hours at their place me and my ex decide to go to the city to hang out and have some time on our own. so we go shopping and i get some chinese take away. fast forward to us coming home to a fully stacked dining table with tons of food, and her mum and dad sitting there waiting for us. we sit down, me not being hungry at all because of the takeaway i had like 2 hours ago. however, not wanting to be rude i devour the entire plate (which was already pretty loaded) and get a second serving. evening comes and i feel a giant shit coming up. however her parents were at home all the time and it was a tiny flat with the toilet being located in the only bathroom. also, the walls were pretty thin. i think to myself: "just wait for tomorrow morning, they might be gone by then to do some grocery shopping or whatever, so you can take a relaxed shit". but they don't leave, probably because they didn't want us to have sex in the room next to them. each meal keeps getting more, and mum starts going like "wow, you are very hungry, you keep eating so much" and i'm just like "mrs. ex-gf's mum your food is just so good i love it". obviously mum loves the compliments and keeps cooking more and more. i still haven't taken a shit at this point. fast forward to day 4, the last day, i wake up, and i feel the need to throw up so badly. i try to play it cool and continue sleeping, but it doesn't work. i hear one of her parents taking a shower in the bathroom, and the urge to throw up increases to infinity. i'm starting to gag and throw up onto the carpet of my ex-gf's room which wakes her up. she gives me a look i can't really describe, a mixture of shock and wonder, gets up and gets her mum out of the bathroom. i rush in, don't make it in time and throw up all over the bathroom. at the same time, i so desperately need to shit i just sit down in parts of my vomit and take the biggest shit in the history of mankind. pure relief. after cleaning everything for an hour straight i get out of the room, only to find her parents left because the smell of puke and shit was all over the flat. my ex tells me her mum thinks it was her fault because of some food poisoning(which wasn't the case, i just ate too much without taking a shit) by her and she feels resentful and disrespected. they never talked to me again after this fuck up. english is not my mothertounge, so please don't be too harsh with spelling or grammar mistakes.

didn't take a shit at my ex-girlfriends place, kept eating to be polite, became constipated, threw up and shit all over bathroom, ex's mom thinks it is her fault and never talks to me again.

not taking a shit while being the first time at my then girfriends place

obligatory this happened about 7 years ago. burner account in case this 'crime' is still an open case for some reason. living with friends i'd met at university, we used to put on themed house parties. we'd spend weeks handmaking decorations to fit the theme. one such theme was seven deadly sins. each room in the house was decorated for a sin, ballpit and bean bags in the sloth room, pictures of opulent luxury for greed and so on. we decided that a deadly sins party wouldn't be complete without a reference to the film seven, so we decided to create a head in a box. attempts to papier mache a head did not go well, so we decided on a different method. rather than a fake human head, perhaps we could use a real animal head. a duscussion with a local butcher followed, who agreed to provide us with a pig's head, while a local fishmonger was persuaded to sell us a shark's head they were using for display. was it still a seven reference now we were using animal heads? probably not, but who cares? we have a shark head to display for the party. that's unique if nothing else. the heads went in the freezer ready for the party. party went off without a hitch. it would be an exaggeration to call the heads a hit, but they certainly elicited the "wtf" response we were looking for. a highlight was one of our guests poking at the shark head and asking what it was made of, then recoiling in horror at finding out it was real. a few hours into the party the stench of the rapidly defrosting shark's head was becoming unbearable. i threw it into a bin bag and walked with it two minutes up the road, where mcdonald's was, crucially with accessible dumpster bins at the rear. i ditched the head and returned to the party. the day after the party we had a large scale clean up. with the shark head already gone, we were simply left with the question of what to do with the pig head. we already had overflowing bins, and we wanted rid of the head before it too became a smell issue. mcdonald's was out of the question, as it was now open for business, we'd never be able to dump it unseen as i had done with the shark head the night before. we came to the decision that we'd take a quick drive somewhere quiet, find houses with their bins outside, and ditch it in one of those. we found a suitable place, and by virtue of his position in the car, nominated one of us to ditch the head. we'll call him larry. larry had a habit of doing rather foolish things. true to form, he steps out of the car, takes a few steps in the wrong direction, realises he can't see the bin we intended him to drop the head in, and in a moment of panic swings the bag and tosses over the hedge. into somebody's front garden. he climbs back in the car and we drive away, berating larry for his idiocy, and chuckling about how the homeowner would react when they found the head. i'm sure most of you have already seen where this is going, but for the rest of you, here's the key piece of information that, at the time, we didn't consider. the area we had driven to was one with a large population of orthodox jews. this fact came to our attention a few days later, when we read a story in the local paper (or possibly the student paper, i don't remember) about a jewish family who had found a pig head in their garden in a suspected antisemitic hate crime. cue several weeks of being on edge about whether the head would be traced back to us, and whether our story would be believed if it was. thankfully never heard anything about it again. i just really hope the family concerned didn't take it too seriously.

thought a pig head in a box would make an interesting party decoration, unknowingly dumped it in jewish family's garden, was interpreted as a hate crime.

accidently commiting a hate crime

so quick context, i'm a relatively inexperienced driver. licensed for about 3 months, and had a permit for less than a year. i went on a road trip recently, where i drove a prius, which was a complete shift in what i'm used to. the car is completely electric, and if you do something wrong like starting it without the brakes on, it gets pissy. so anyway. fast forward to today, 6am, i wake up early cuz i gotta finish packing my parents' car because they're dropping me off at college. i get downstairs, and my dads car (the one i'm supposed to take) is parked two parking spots away. fortunately, my moms car is right by the house, me being me; lazy and tired, i decide to switch the two cars. so i get in my moms car, (a lexus) push the button to turn it on, put my foot on the brakes, switch the shift into drive... and then all of a sudden it starts going forward. i freak out because about 3 meters forward is another car. i try slamming the brakes, and they just don't work. end bumping into the other car. now i don't know what to do. i try shifting into reverse, and it does nothing. the brakes aren't responsive, and the car isn't budging. so i shift it back into park, and turn it off. it was then that it hit me. i got so used to the prius, which you can turn on without having the brakes on. in my dumb autopilot mode, i hadn't noticed that the brakes weren't engaged in the lexus, and i just went into drive which let the car off. luckily for me, my moms cars front bumper is already fucked up, and the person whose car i hit has a bumper bully. it wasn't too hard of a hit, and my broke college ass decided to back away slowly and go "this never happened." i proceeded to repark the cars and everything. expect a tifu post in like 2 days either: "tifu by getting myself arrested for a hit and run" or "tifu by hitting a redditors car while they weren't in it, and then posting about it on reddit." that's about all folks.

brain was on autopilot, didn't engage the brakes on my car cuz used to prius. car slid forward and hit someone. fucking prius screws up my day even when i'm not in it.

my brain was on autopilot

being the lazy shit i am, i decided that making coffee took too much time in the morning, and i needed to find a better way to find my caffeine fix. after a little research, i came to the conclusion that munching on coffee beans was a good alternative. i went to the store and bought a bag of beans, excited to go to work the next day and not worry about making coffee. i get to work, pull out my bag of beans and go to town. they tasted pretty good, and kept me caffeinated (i think, i can barely tell anymore). pleased with myself, i snacked on them throughout the day. this continued for a few weeks, and i was pretty happy. then, one saturday, i decide to throw some of the beans into a blender with some peanut butter and other shit to make a smoothie. delicious. a few hours later, i get a pretty mild stomach ache. thinking nothing of it, i brush it off. later that night, i feel a rumbling in my rectum. i sit down to take a shit, and nothing comes out. i can tell it wants to, it just can't. my colon had seized up like a rock. i guess when i made my shitty smoothie, the blender couldn't grind the coffee beans as fine as i was able to with my teeth, and the resulting chunks had sucked all the moisture from my poo. no worries, i can push through this. if only. as i used all my strength to push, i was hit with a wall of pain. these chunks of coffee had not only dried out my shit, they were tearing up my asshole. imagine if someone had shoved half dried asphalt concrete up your backside, and you had no choice but to shit it out. that's the closest thing i can compare it to. the pain was unreal. a little note about the bathroom i was using: the main bathroom was under remodel, so i had to use the guest bathroom, which consists of a toilet and a sink, enclosed in an area roughly the size of a port-a-potty, minus all the ventilation. with the lack of airflow, small enclosed space, and me using all my strength to preform an exorcism on myself, i started to get a little light headed. in a rush, i grab a handful of toilet paper to get rid of the turd still hanging out if my ass, and try to run out of the bathroom. of course, i stood up way too fast and blacked out. halfway out the bathroom, pants still around my ankles. i come to a few seconds later (i think) and proceed to empty my guts in a cold shower.

eating coffee beans caused me to become a waffle stomper.

eating coffee beans

so i'm a guy who likes to do a lot of cheap journeys, thats sort of like a hobby to me. i like to get a return ticket for up to 200 euros every couple of months or so. the destination usually doesnt matter, but i always prioritize journeys to countries or cities i've never been (not related, but if you live in europe, you can travel like that for years not visiting same city twice) anyway, so my last journey (this wednesday) was to skopje, makedonija. there i have managed to get pretty much luxury airbnb apartment in the city center for ~120 euros for 4 nights! tickets themselves costed me 80 euros for return. i also bought same tickets (a bit later tho) for my gf and the whole journey was supposed to cost me around 300 euro for 2 people for 4 nights, which i believe by any measure is not that much, right? however, dont get me wrong, i still see that as fair amount of money, its just this kind of deal, the journey, is really lucrative experience wise. so we get up at 4 am. on wednesday, get our stuff, all happy, full of hope and good cheer go to the airport, fly to makedonija, i pass the customs and i see that it takes a while for my girlfriend to do that...after couple of minutes bam, my heart roles to my knees! i remember that she is from philippines and her visa works only in schengen zone! of course i try to all sorts of stuff, including calling philippines ambasada in oslo (thats where we are from) but those guys not only did not work at the time, but also their operating hours (at least for calls acceptance) conclude to approximatelly 20 a week. long story short, after that i had to buy us both tickets to ljubljana for 400e and then other tickets to oslo for 650 euros. because of that we got to enjoy only couple of days in ljubljana (not even that, half of second day was all rain), but at least the stay was pretty cheap. ** i guess i will have to be extra cheap for couple of months...

**: forgot to check my gf's visa and instead of spending 300 euros on trip to one of the cheapest countries in europe, i had to spend more than 3 times that for the country which had approximately (below)average costs and we didnt even get to enjoy it properly.

forgetting basic international traveling rules

this happened last night, you'll find out why it took me time to post. first impressions went well. dinner went very well! they even enjoyed my company enough to watch a movie with us and while we cuddled on the side couch, they cuddled 4 feet away and it was a great night. we had planned to stay at her house that night, permitting that relations weren't terrible, and it looked like that was fine, though they did request that i sleep in the guest bedroom. i don't know if it was the nerves or the food, but around 2am i woke up feeling danger. i hastily creeped out onto the landing between the 3 bedrooms and tried to scout out which door was the upstairs bathroom. having found it successfully i rushed inside, remembering not to use the light switch because in this country the bathroom fan is often connected and i didn't want to wake people (if they were light sleepers). here's where it begins. settling down on the toilet was an immediate relief followed up by a relatively silent dropping and calmed nerves.. job well done. i reached over for the toilet paper and found nothing but an empty roll. not knowing where toilet paper was kept in this bathroom i stealthily bow-legged stand and tip toe my way over to the bathroom cabinet a couple of feet away to search for some. checking through all the cabinets in the dark is difficult and i still don't want to turn the light on, so i stalk back to my room, grab my phone as a flash light and continue my search. no luck. the next step in my head is to go to the other bathroom downstairs, and since i'd been warbling about for 5 minutes now i consider myself an expert. quietly bouncing from side to side down the stairs and into the other bathroom, my heart sinks as i shine my light on the toilet paper roll and see a sliver of it left. i try my best but it's not really enough. i can't think of any other options now except to use the sink as a bidet. so, i line up and walk backwards. it's a porcelain sink set into a small cabinet (with no tp under it) and so i lean up and place my weight on it. settling into the sink i can see the light! i turn the water on behind me and start to spoon it onto my backside, wiping with my hands and praying the soap is good. about halfway through i need to reposition to get a better angle, and when i shift my body weight i hear a creak. suddenly i'm falling. straight onto my ass with a loud crash, the entire sink and cabinet collapses under my weight and the water is spraying into the air. i hear yelling and see lights upstairs but i'm so wrapped up in how quickly the situation fucked itself that i don't really comprehend what's happening. i see someone rushing towards me and i see her father with an estranged look on his face trying to lift me up. the mother gasps and points below me. there's a piece of wood sticking out of the back of my thigh about 3 inches long. so here i am. standing naked and injured in front of my girlfriend's parents at 2am. a blanket and a hospital ride later, it's all a big joke. i'm glad i'm not single, this is turning out to be a great relationship.

foreign environment, foreign entity in my backside.

a new take on the girlfriends house bathroom story.

i hope this doesn't break any rules since pet euthanasia is an incredibly common and humane procedure. either way, my wonderful, yet extremely sick cat had no guarantee of survival and was put down free of pain. but i now think i fucked up in assessing what his chances really were. here's the story: last night a friend of mine had head over for another one of our board game nights, and when i open the door to greet her she abruptly says, "i think your cat is dying". i take a step out of my front door and there in the corner is my large, friendly, amazing cat mongo looking as though he's having a violent heat stroke. he's drooling, rapidly breathing, mouth is twitching, can't stand up. two of my close friends and my girlfriend immediately got in the car and rushed to the emergency vet, ac blasting on my poor overheated cat. after waiting at the clinic for an hour, a vet finally comes in and gives us the news. "you've got a very sick cat" he says. apparently mongo had kindey stones that had blocked his urethra leading to a buildup of toxins in his blood stream and a rock-hard bladder. on top of that, the combination of pain, stress, and summer heat lead to a heat stroke. the vets had inserted a catheter, instantly relieving his bladder, and they showed me some of the urine. it was fluorescent red. the vet then uttered his prognosis rapid fire and suggests either hospitalization or euthanasia, with heavy emphasis on euthanasia considering he was a "neighborhood cat". i should mention that mongo sort of fell into our lap when one of the outdoor cats had gotten pregnant. we fed her and her litter and i watched mongo grow up for three years. we fed him daily as he survived outside. mongo was also one of the best, purest, friendliest cats i had ever come across, and i've owned many cats. he by far had the best disposition and loved human affection. every day that i would go out for a cigarette, mongo would be there to greet me without fail. he really meant a lot to me. fast forward back to the vet, the doctor was throwing around terms like liver failure, high toxins, recurrence. i was skeptical of his diagnosis, so i ordered blood tests to be done. i wanted to see the cold hard numbers and make a decision for myself based off of evidence i could understand. another hour goes by and we are given the blood results. mongo's potassium and calcium levels were through the roof. he had a high degree of toxins in his blood, indicating liver failure. seeing no hope and feeling as though everyone knew it was the right choice, i hesitantly made the decision to euthanize. i wanted to be there for the procedure, so they had us wait in one of the operating rooms. after some time, i hear several sharp meows, and in comes the technician with mongo wrapped up sweetly in a blanket. he was too weak to stand and so was laid down. we pet him, and just like mongo he immediately began to purr and "make butter" with his paws as we called it. he was relieved from his full bladder and no doubt comforted by our presence and affection. his eyes began to close and he slept while we continued to pet him. another technician entered and and the injection procedure began. his eyes opened suddenly, and i then watched the life fade from his eyes. i cried, my friends cried, the technician cried, we all fucking cried. shortly after, we brought him home and buried him in the yard where he was born. i now believe i have made a terrible mistake. mongo was a young cat, and now thinking about it with a clear mind, it's apparent that a cat at that age probably has the best functioning kidney and liver he's ever going to have. after some research, it's apparent that kidneys do an incredible job of flushing out toxins to bring the body's balance back, especially for a young cat. the correct choice was to hospitalize him for two days with fluids. after some research today i concluded that recurrence would have not likely happened, as the kidney stone was probably flushed out in the catheter. even if his liver did fail, death by liver failure is evidently one of the best ways to die and is relatively pain free. i should have brought him home to at least give him a fighting chance. we would have kept him indoors during his recovery feeding him wet food and distilled water to further prevent recurrence. money is irrelevant here because i already spent $700 for a corpse. i would have gladly spent 2-3x that amount (the likely cost of hospitalization) to have my wonderful friend back. i genuinely believe i fucked up and made a choice with bad information and with the worst possible consequence. i can't express how i feel, but writing this has given me a sort of catharsis. i do believe vets are knowledgeable, but in this case i felt as though i was pushed to make a bad decision. i suggest to folks facing a similar situation, please consider how old your cat is, what his current pain level is, and if you can afford it to delay making a decision at that exact moment. think with a clear head and do some reading with your new knowledge. you potentially have the chance extend a great friendship for many, many years.

i chose to euthanize my very sick cat, and now i believe i made a mistake.

euthanizing my sick cat when he probably would have been fine

(actually happened about a week ago) went to meet some friends before they went to a concert and i went home for the evening. had to pee leaving work but i was already late and figured i would go when i got to the restaurant. arrived at the restaurant, greeted my friends, got distracted by the menu, and the pee feeling left so i forgot. about an hour later, we leave and are going our separate ways. i give my two close friends hugs to say goodbye and turn to go. a newer friend who i have just recently got to know is a big hugger, and came in for a hug. little did i know, he is a big hugger. the kind where you squeeze someone and pick them up off the ground crushing their ribs. turns out his arms were placed just right where he wrung my little bladder out like a sponge. there was no stopping it and it just kept going the longer he hugged. as soon as he put me down i said bye and quickly turned away, hiding my shame. the other person not going to the concert nicely asked if i wanted to walk to the bus together and i noped out of it while walk-running back into the restaurant for the bathroom. arrived in the bathroom and surveyed the damage. light wash denim with a big ol' wet stain smack dab in my crotch. at this point i was laughing about it and sent a picture to the mutual friends of the pee-squeezer. thankfully, i had a sweatshirt i could tie around my waist like a mom, but i did still have to endure a 40 minute bus ride with pee-pants.

ignored my body's warnings and accidentally had the pee squeezed out of me by a big hug in public. had a long bus ride home

ignoring my body

this didn't happen today, but in 2004. i was 16. around this horrific period of the early-mid 2000's, a very "fashionable" trend was destroyed denim. now, you could buy jeans and skirts and jackets already with holes and rips and tears in them at places like abercrombie & fitch, which was my favorite at the time. (how my tastes have changed for the better!) but i wanted jeans that were really destroyed, with more rips and tears than anything i could buy. so i developed my own techniques for implementing further destruction. i used a variety of tools like sandpaper, needles, scissors, and a cheese grater. my favorite cheese grater to use was a four-sided one of my mom's. it had three different sides of varying coarseness for grating, and one side with a massive serrated edge for slicing. this story takes place in the fall. all week long i had been hearing rumors that the football player whom i had a crush on was going to ask me to homecoming. i had been eagerly awaiting his call all week and had decided to work on my jeans as a way of passing the time. i was sitting on my bedroom floor grating and slicing and sanding away when the phone rang. *ring ring* my stomach dropped. it had to have been him! but where was my phone?! *ring ring* oh, there it is. across the room. i jumped up excitedly. *ring ring* i began to sprint to the phone. i took one step and- "fuuuuuucckkk!!" *ring ring* i had sliced the palm of my heel open on the side of the 4-sided grater which could have done the most damage - the side you use for cheese slices or slicing garlic or vegetables. i immediately sat on the floor and tried to survey the damage, the phone sounding like it was ringing from a distance. i could hear my heartbeat in my head. my foot was already throbbing. there was a dime-sized mound of flesh dangling off the side of my heel, my red insides exposed like the mouth of a muppet. it took months to heal but after some time the nerve damage lessened and the skin grew back. for the record, the guy never asked me out.

i sliced my foot open with a cheese grater while trying to put holes in my jeans as a preppy teenager

slicing my foot open with a cheese grater

i work for a dealer-group, about two weeks ago one of my co-workers was fired, let's just call him tom. tom wasn't happy about being fired so he hatched a master plan; he went home and filled a large garbage bag full of dog shit and decided he would come into the office and dump it on the managers desk. tom arrived in the morning and realized that this was a shitty idea. he left the build and decided to leave the bag on a car near the back of the lot. the garbage bag sat roasting in sun until today, i kept seeing the bag and thought it was odd that one of the lot guys hadn't done anything with it. after about two weeks of seeing this large bag, i decided i would be a model a employee and deal with what ever was in the bag. i walked over to the bag, and examined it, it was a black heavy duty glade bag with a white bow tying it shut. i pondered for a moment and decided that it must be someone who forgot some supply on this vehicle. i decided i would open the bag and return the contents to the rightful owner. without further inspection i pull the ribbon off; and out spills a disgusting wave of liquefied hot dogshit absolutely covering me, i pause and then uncontrollably vomit all over myself. disorientated and disgusted and scramble for a moment and then slip; smashing my elbow on the bumper of a car. after this i got a lot guy to hose my off, i changed my clothes and now i'm at home, contemplating my life.

opened a bag of revenge poo, got covered

opening a mysterious bag

obligatory: this was yesterday, not today. so i get out of school and i'm all excited to go to work (i work at petsmart in the pethotel) and i realize that i need to lube the chain of my bike because i'm not getting the amount of power out of my bike that i'm putting in. i roll into my garage and i put my school junk inside the house. i run back out and grab the can of lubrication. i flip my bike upside down and start spinning the pedals. soon after i realize that i'm hitting my hand that's on the chain. i slowly move my left hand backwards until it isn't being hit by the pedal anymore. however, what i don't realize is that i've gone a bit too far and before i know it my hand is being caught in the chain ring. the teeth punctures my left middle finger and then the chain scrapes away the skin that's on top of the finger near the base of the nail. it also scrapes skin off my left ring finger before i was able to pull it out. blood starts pouring out from the puncture wound and i quickly run inside and grab a paper towel. i run it under cold water and wring the water out with my right hand. i shove my finger inside the wet towel and apply pressure. i go to my couch and sit down, knowing that i just lost a ton of blood. luckily, i was right in doing so, as soon after my eyes went blurry and i had to lay down. i went to the hospital and got it glued. unfortunately, it kept bleeding, so today i had to go back and get it re-glued. stay safe out there!

lube the chain from the top, not the bottom

lubing my bike

so, i live in a rent house in a college town where i go to school(arkansas tech). i just moved in a couple of weeks ago, and yesterday i decided i wanted to work on my pitching wedge game. so i went out into the front lawn with a bucket of golf balls and a wedge and started chipping from the bottom of the hill, up towards the house, aiming at the bucket. well, the lawnmower didn't cut the grass short enough a couple days ago, so the grass was too deep and it was like i was hitting balls out of deep rough, which is nearly impossible if you're working on your short game like i was. so, being as inventive as i am, i go and grab the weedeater and cut out a big patch of grass on the bottom of the hill as a sort of chipping area. i cut it really low, probably too low actually, so it worked really well for getting clean hits on balls without the grass slowing my club head down and throwing me off. so i hit about 20 balls at the bucket before i ran out. well, now, instead of picking them up and restarting at the bottom, i wanted to chip them back down the hill, and the grass was too tall at the top to hit from, so i grab the weed eater and go to town cutting a 6 foot wide circle as the secondary chipping pad and landing zone for when i'm hitting from the bottom. so i smack some more balls from the top and realize that if i hit a ball short of the pad at the bottom, the ball wont roll down to the bottom due to the thick grass between the two pads. so, i grab the weed eater again and cut a narrow strip connecting the two pads, down the hill, as a narrow little fairway of sorts. i chip some more balls around for a while, neighbors stroll by, kids ride by on bikes, and families come and go from the neighborhood. i get hot and before i throw everything in the garage and head inside, i proudly snap a picture to send to my roommate, who is also a golfer. i go inside for the evening. *this morning* i wake up and get ready for class. i walk out the front door, forgetting about the new lawn art/sick new golfing range installation until i go to put my bag in the back of my car. *then i saw it* here i stood, at the bottom of the hill, in the street, staring at this very obvious, 30 foot long 4 foot wide penis and ballsack that i had carved into my yard the evening before. and i couldn't do anything about it at the time or else i'd be late for class! i had to leave it in the yard, on display, all day long! got a call this afternoon from our landlord asking us to "please remove the *bleep *other word for penis* from our front lawn" i told him someone pulled a prank on us. this afternoon i gave it a trim and made the fairway wider, so it looks more like a weird putting green than a massive shlong in our front lawn. all is well. [here's a link to the picture...](http://imgur.com/ypff70x)

i meant to make a golf practice area in our front lawn, but ended up weed-eating a huge penis into our yard, warranting a call from the landlord.

unknowingly carving a massive penis into our front yard.

i am a manager at a slightly more "upscale" restaurant. this was a couple of weeks ago. that night, we accommodated a last minute group of 40 since our private rooms weren't booked. it was a group of traveling soccer player kids and their parents, set as a parents table and kids table next to it. separate checks. shortly after the food arrived to the tables, a lady from the party pulled the server aside, and quietly explained that her kid was supposed to order off of the kids menu but ordered something more expensive without her knowledge. she couldn't afford it. i witnessed the whole thing and could tell she was super embarrassed. i totally had flashbacks to when i was a kid, unable to do things like dining out. i read this situation like a book, and realized that these other parents were well off (designer clothes and watches, huge wedding rings, metal credit cards, etc). traveling sports are expensive. i'm so sure that this mom often went without, so that her kid didn't. i'm also sure she didn't pick the restaurant. i decided to comp the food all together rather than adjusting the price. i didn't want her to have to ask if her check was accurate after seeing the total, and i didn't want to embarrass her further. so i wrote on her check that it was on us and gave it to her in the check presenter. she wrote back how thankful she was and the good deed was done. not. obviously a million separate checks take time, so as the servers were splitting and running payments on the computer, i was taking the completed payments back to the guests to sign. i gave the lady who's food we comped her slip first since we clearly had nothing to split. the woman sitting next to her was getting impatient waiting for her check. she looked over at soccermom's her slip, then loudly and very rudely said "so is mine free too?!". i couldn't help myself but to stare at her designer purse and shoes as i informed her that no, it wasn't. poor soccer mom was pretending not to realize what was going on, but it was so obvious she was totally mortified. i'm sure the others knew she didn't have money like them, but thanks to me it was now out in the open. i'm sure they were uncomfortable too. i get that rudelady sucks and i couldn't control her rudeness. but in hindsight, i probably shouldn't have used my bright purple pen to write with. and i probably should have used better judgement when giving soccer mom her check way before the people around her. especially impatient rudelady. i should have waited for her to use the restroom or break away for something and then let her know in private.

i tried to give a mom doing her best a break, but instead brought attention to the fact that she didn't have money.

trying to do a good deed, and ended up exposing someone instead.

so this happened over the course of the weekend, which you'll understand after reading the post, but the real fuck up happened monday, technically. throwaway account for obvious reasons. now, let me give you the setting here. i'm a 19 year old, living in my aunt and uncle's home in colorado while i attend school. my uncle has ocd, and everything always has to be ***just right*** for him to be happy, and otherwise he will get very, ***very***, angry. like, if there's so much as an empty glass on the coffee table it will set him off. so we do our best to keep the house clean so he's happy. and i try to pick up extra slack since they're letting me stay rent free. anyway, last friday night i was getting ready for bed and, as any 19 year old would do, i decided to jack off. not going to get too descriptive there, ~~and i definitely didn't use a coconut~~, but right as i'm about to bust a nut i hear someone coming upstairs. thinking on my toes, i decided to come into the water bottle on my desk so i could quickly hide it. which i did. fast forward to later in the night, at about 5am. i wake up and really have to piss. now, i haven't been at my aunt and uncle's too long now and i'm really not comfortable enough in this house to walk down the hall from my room in my boxers, even at 5am when everyone is asleep. even more than that, i didn't want to put clothes on just to go take a piss. so, i had my second great idea of the night, and pissed in the same bottle i had jizzed in. this still wouldn't be that bad, right? i could just wash it all down the drain in the morning and it’d all be just fine. ***if i hadn't forgotten it for 3 days.*** i had gone out of town for the weekend, to visit home. and all the while there sat a water bottle full of piss and semen on my desk. this is where the real fuck up happens. monday night before i went to bed, i got a water bottle to drink and set it on none other than my desk before falling asleep. do you ever wake up and you're just so thirsty your throat feels like a desert? that was me last night. half asleep, i force myself up to grab my water bottle. you can see where this is going… i picked up the 3 day old piss/jizz bottle and took a big hearty gulp. i was no longer half asleep. the taste was just skin curdlingly awful, and even thinking about it makes me gag. it was so bitter and rancid, and i definitely wouldn't recommend it. from my shock after drinking that, i dropped the bottle. and it spilled all over the carpet, in the middle of the night. let me tell you, it smells even worse than it tasted. it smells like cat piss that has just gone ***off***. panicking, i didn't know what to do and just sprayed it down with windex (the only cleaner i had in the closet.) and then put a towel on it. this didn't help, and now i have to explain to my uncle why there's a big, rancid smelling, stain on his carpet.

i pissed and jizzed in a bottle, forgot about it for three days, accidentally drank some, then spilled it on my uncle’s clean carpet. rip me.

drinking various fermented bodily fluids. [nsfw]

so i was in school and went to the restroom to take a shit. basically i entered a stall and was ready to sit down, when i realized i was a genius and i was going to revolutionize the way shits are taken. so everyone knows about those cracks in between stalls and the door, in which you always feel like someone might walk in and just watch you shit. well at my school there are the special kids who actually walk in and will stand there and watch you. so i was like let me cover my dick by only pulling down the back half of my pants to take my shit, kind of how you only pull down the front half to take a piss. so i pulled down the back half of my pants, and sat down and just went all out. then i realized that mistake i made before it was too late. when one shits, they piss too at the start. my dick was still inside my pants so i had just pissed myself. a mistake i won't make again.

i thought i could shit with only pulling down the back half of my pants, and pissed myself.

pissing my pants in a unusual way.

yesterday i was invited to lunch from a friend of mine. came to his apartment and his uncle decide to have a lunch session. fine by me, i wanted to eat steak but got bread which is ok. at this point i have to shake hands with the other guest. here's where i fucked up. my friend and i have a log history to debate and research muslim 'customs' as in what's the actual hadith, quran verses and ulama interpretation. our biggest laughed of hypocrisy is smoking. almost every islamic country's religious center in the world consider smoking haram (singapore, malaysia, saudi, iraq, etc) but they still sell it. pork is haram, and those who eat pork is 'dirty' but somehow people who smoke cigarettes which is haram is fine. both is haram but let's continue on with the tifu. at this point, the guest was hand shaking me but i refuse to hand shake the wives/ladies. i thought this is considered polite in islamic culture which is true since you don't touch a person of an opposite gender unless you are blood related or married to them* (got more but too long to explain) everyone understood so when one them asked me why i didn't hand shake his wife, well i replied with the relevant sources. ... short explanation, short reference, short conclusion, end it with since i didn't pay for the dowry, therefore i couldn't touch her. not sure if there was a mistranslation, but he was pissed. i'm not sure why though but our lunch was cut short and we took off to eat our halal steak. my friend was laughing and explained. here's why: >1. i was light skin so many people consider me as chinese and i'm fluent in mandarin and cantonese so it was an ok assumption. though, i'm a muslim. >2. the guy wanted to be sarcastic about 'non-muslim' following people's culture without understanding why so my reply was essentially saying him as an uneducated muslim which is a very big insult to him. >3. not sure why, but from my explanation, and his reply, i managed to made him look like he was prostituting his wife. big fuck up since they were actually nice people and the naan was delicious.

explain why i couldn't touch his wife and didn't manage to eat the naan.

explaining to a married muslim man why i can't shake hand with his wife.

i felt alseep while on a call with my friend irl, i usually talk to him for a couple of hours and then say good bye and such. not this time, i was awake for 20 hours and really felt the need to rest, so while in the call i decided to go to bed and just rest while he was speaking to me and answering as needed. at sometime i just passed out and rolled over the microphone making my breathing sound really heavy and worrying my friend instantly, he is out of town but he knows more members of my family. after trying to contact me again through whatsapp, facebook messages and calls he decided to contact them telling he thought i just fainted, making them also worried and now everyone trying to contact me since i live alone to give a bit more context why is this an issue - i have the fame of not eating at my hours because usually my sleeping cycles are very fucked up - i have some issues on my left leg so i cant walk too much and if i were to slip i could brake it - they think i'm stupid and they might be right - i'm 20 btw so after scaring all the members of my family and having more than 100 notifications on my phone (which btw where on very low volume) from whatsapp and facebook calls i woke up to a call 4 hours later from my cousin telling me if i'm okay and he is incoming to my apartment to take me to hospital if something is wrong. luckily i could tell him to don't worry and after making many calls saying sorry to worry i'm now writing this post and feeling very hungry.

don't go to sleep at 1 pm

falling asleep during a skype call

so, this actually happened 3 hours ago and i just got home from the hospital. i'm a student in germany and we still have exams right now, well, i have exams until the end of august. so i've been spending my days/weeks studying sleeplessly for the exams and i had an important one today, which as you can already guess, went pretty bad despite spending all that time studying. being super frustrated because of the lack of sleep i've had and wasted time, i went home and packed my gym bag, headed to gym after resting for a while. today was my chest day and i like to start from the bench when i'm feeling strong. well, turns out, i wasn't that strong today. i lifted the bar and after doing several reps, as i was racking it, it fell on my face and luckily some people came to help and asked if i was okay. i thought i was okay, despite the burning feeling on my cheek, i continued and dropped the weight a bit and went on with the next set. then i saw a slight bump on my cheek and put my hand there, and there it was, blood on my fingers. i went to the hospital after that and after some x-rays, nothing is broken, they just stitched it but lesson learnt, not doing any heavy weights without a spotter, ever.

had a shitty exam, went to gym frustrated and morally not-so-well, dropped the barbell on my cheek and needed some stitches.

dropping the barbell on my face

some context before i get started: i don't usually celebrate my birthday. something always goes wrong, without fail. and i always get stood up, so i usually don't do anything for it...other reasons also apply but they're irrelevant to this fu. so, as the title suggests, i decided to make birthday plans with my work colleagues; this fu takes place over a series of days, but came to its peak today. the idea was to go for a meal with a small handful, and then have a larger group meet up later for drinks/clubbing (which, even by my standards, is putting myself out of my comfort zone). however, i wanted to ensure i could book a table before i secured any other plans, so i approached the people i wanted to invite for the meal first. well, shortly after, news gets out that i've invited certain people to 'something' for my birthday. i get so many people up in my face asking why they weren't invited. and to each person, i state my intentions to invite them for drinks after the meal. today, i get six different people making a flurry of jokes and complaints at me, one of them because she is leaving the company and was planning on having her farewell party on the same day as mine. she says she's joking but she then went and got the other five people riled up against me. honestly, it's shit like this that makes me reconsider doing anything...

decided to make plans for my birthday, and ended up pissing off my work colleagues in the process.

making birthday plans with my work colleagues

i use an app (ifttt) that makes the top post on /r/guitarpedals my phone background. usually it's some cool guitar pedal board or some piece of gear. and usually this is not an issue. i also was just at a go-cart/amusement place for kids, spending one last afternoon playing with my son before he starts kindergarten. plenty of kids playing with their families, mostly moms watching their kids. i was paying for whatever i was buying (mini golf of go-carts) and a high school/college aged girl was working the counter. getting my wallet out to get my debit card i set my unlocked phone on the counter. and this was what was on my background: https://imgur.com/gallery/occda before i realize what i had done the few people at the counter noticed what the girl was starting at and all had a look as well. eventually i realized what they were looking at and quickly stashed my phone in my pocket. some people might have explained that an app made that their background or even showed what the full image is (to show it's was funny) but i didn't think quick enough. i just paid and walked away. and for the remaining hour i saw several moms either give me dirty looks it tell their friends something quietly, which i imagine was "there he is- that's the pervert with a half naked chick on his phone background. all thanks to this original reddit post. https://www.reddit.com/r/guitarpedals/comments/6tn958/this_looks_right_thanks_amazon/?st=j6cn7dvi&sh=f56bd12b

' don't let an app choose your phone background for you.

making /r/guitarpedals top post automatically change my phone background

as is tradition, this... well, the consequences have only reached its peak today, but this is a tifu that's been in the making since 2012. i am... a garbage master. i live in a disgusting house that looks a lot like it's from hoarders. i wasn't raised properly and thus don't know basic hygiene skills. let's get the grossest part out of the way: i haven't washed my sheets since i first put them on my bed in 2012. before i put them on it, i didn't even have sheets. i don't even know where the top sheet is. i sleep on top of two comforters. being the trash master i am, i have papers and stuff all strewn on my bed. books. loose hair ties and piles of hair from after i get done brushing it. all sorts of stuff. at one point i realized that it was a little bit gross so i threw away the hair and put the largest pile of 500+ rubber hair ties in a designated hair tie box. after an unspecified incident, i figured now... now, of all times, i should wash my sheets. now, the thing is, the rubber hair ties are cheap as fuck and aren't really meant for long term use. if they're stretched out long enough and you unstretch them, they'll just disintegrate. i've been laying on miscellaneous hair ties for *years*. the ones i didn't grab. they've embedded themselves between my comforters and between the mattress and the sheets and today, i removed the comforters. today, i removed those sheets. and i noticed... these black marks. maybe it's ink? maybe it's some spilled stain? hell, maybe it's black mold. then i noticed they stuck parts of the sheets and the comforter together. then i noticed that some of them were less disintegrated than the others. then i realized it wasn't black mold, which is good, since i straight up sniffed the stain and that was my running theory. it was hair ties. an uncountable amount of hair ties have, like the shadows of those killed in nuclear bomb droppings, left nothing but a black streak. also, i put them in the wash anyways because what the fuck am i supposed to do? i guess i'll report back when they're done. oh, yeah, one of the comforters was a pokemon one from the 90s. sorry. update: rest in pieces, they stained the mattress too.

my sheets have black stains that were formerly hair ties because i didn't wash them for five years and stored stuff on my bed. i have no idea how i'm supposed to get rubber out of fabric.

creating a new first world problem involving hair ties

this didn't happen today, but happened when i was in kindergarten, quite awhile back. this is a long one, so suit up. i was quite little back then, and of course, i wasn't the smartest. sure, i was bright, but not smart. i also considered myself not a very good listener, which brings us into the fuck-up. we were in class one day when our instructor announced that it was reading time. so, of course, we all grab our books and go to our favorite spot. i didn't move anywhere, and just sat in my seat. my teacher then said that she needed to run to the restroom, and she would return shortly. but, the thing is, she didn't. she didn't need to use the restroom at all. she said something along the lines of, "alright, class. i'm going to run some copies on the printer. if you need to use the restroom, go ahead. you do not need permission." i took this as, "alright, class. i'm going to use the restroom. you can only use it when i come back." now, this wasn't a big deal, for me, as i was just minding my own business. however, i soon had the urge to piss. the bathroom was directly down the hall from where the classroom was. since i assumed that the teacher had to run to the restroom, i thought that she was in there. while it was a restroom that could fit more than one person, i had the mindset that "you shouldn't be in the bathroom with a teacher." a little bit passes by, and i *really* have to piss. i jitter around in my seat, reading my magic school bus book. the teacher still wasn't back by then, as the printer was old and nearly broken. now, keep in mind, i'm sitting with my legs up, covering my chest, with a book on top of my kneecaps. that is the position i was in when i started to take a piss. it started by flowing upwards, hitting the book. piss was all over arnold's face. as it dripped down the book, it got around my legs, and proceeded to hit the chair, and dribble down off the ground to make a little puddle under my chair. i'm pissing a lot. the puddle grows bigger and bigger, and my pants are getting more damp. a good 15 seconds goes by, and there is now a very, *very* large puddle of piss under my chair. somehow, and i swear to god, nobody noticed my huge puddle of piss. well, not until later. i am now trembling, as i fear that i'm in a lot of trouble. i can't clean the mess up, it's too big. there's not much that i can do other than read my piss-ridden book. a good minute goes by before the teacher comes back. she walks by my desk and calls out to the class, "alright, everyone meet me at the carpet!" oh shit. the best thing i could do in that situation to hide the mess was pull my chair over the puddle. of course, it was still really noticeable, and there was more piss than the chair could cover. i grabbed my book and put the cover over my crotch area, so nobody would notice. before the lesson even starts, my teacher calmly points over to my chair, and says, "what is that?" blah, blah, blah. i end up going to the office to get a new pair of pants from the lost and found. i wasn't in trouble or anything, but it scared me and i thought i would get a reputation for the piss-kid.

my teacher went to go do an errand, but i misheard her. i pissed everywhere, and had to get a new pair of pants from the office.

following nonexistent directions.

it happened today! this will be short, we have been trying to come up with "fun" ways to sell things at the store i work at for my second job, and so we've had a lot of silly (kind of dumb) contests of recent to come up with things. the store has been understaffed, and it seems half of the employees want to gossip or throw shade at each other, so my work morale has been a tad low. today my boss asked what we could make out of items people typically throw away at the store, so i suggested a noose out of thrown away receipts to hang myself with over the stress, drama, and garbage that's been going on at work. apparently this was not a the correct answer. anyway, i got written up and a 2 day suspension.

if you didn't read this entire thing, and want a shorter explanation, you need help. but here it is. joked about suicide at work for an arts and crafts thing got suspended.

suggesting that i could make a noose out of thrown away receipts

this happened one night where me and my friend, who shall be called steve, we're having one of our usual gaming nights at my house. my little brother recently got himself a nintendo switch and was out spending the night at a friend house. so we took this opportunity to play some glorious mario kart 8 delux. in order for the title to make sense, i'll explain the set up of the game we were playing. i chose the inkling boy as my character, and my friend steve chose bowser jr as his. we started one of the cups and were off to having a great time as usual. we were doing are usual shenanigans while jokingly shit talking each other. during the first race, a cpu that was bowser was doing just as well as we were. we finished the first race with steve in first, myself in second, and bowser in third. it was in the third race where the few beers we had started getting to our driving skills. by the end of that round, bowser was kicking our asses by getting first place, with steve in second, and with me in fifth. it was at this moment, my stupid belligerent self decided to say "haha, you just got schooled by your own dad xd". immediately after saying that, steve reacted by saying "you shut the fuck up" in very serious tone. as soon as he said that, i snapped back to being sober and realized how fucking dumb i was for what i just said. i completely forgot about steve's dad and how he lost him about 10 years back. an awkward silence and painfully sharp feeling of guilt soon came over for the rest of the cup we were racing. the night eventually got back to its lighter mood as we kept playing. however, that moment will now be forever engraved in my brain to think about it whenever i lay in bed and reminisce about all the embarrassing and regrettable shit that i've done in the past.

: me and steve (who's dad passed away) are playing mario kart, steve chooses bowser jr and we both lose first place to bowser. so i decide to say "haha, you just got schooled by your own dad xd", forgetting my friends dad is dead. caused the mood to turn really awkward and shitty, leaving me with painful guilt.

(unintentionally) making fun of my best friends dead dad.

so this actually happened today, unlike 95% of tifu posts. i was on my way to class to take a final (i take summer classes), my commute was going smoothly. i was about halfway there and still had 15 minutes to spare. now usually i'm a really aggressive driver but i thought to myself, "you know, i got time, i may as well just sit back and relax, enjoy my commute without driving like a dick." here's where the fuck-up happens, i'm in a line of cars waiting for a light to turn green and there's a nun in a church van full of kids pulling out of the cvs directly to my right. me first thought was "zero chance i let this van in front of me". i second guessed myself, and thought "you know what this is a perfect opportunity to do my "good deed" for the day so i let her in. biggest mistake of my life. turns out she was driving to my school for only god knows what (no pun intended), so i follow her the entire way to my school. 19 mph in a 35. my less than 10 minute ride from that cvs, turned into 30. i showed up to my final 15 minutes late and my professor told me that i was not able to sit for the final because i was late. so in retrospect, i should've just said fuck the church van and continued driving like a dick.

let a nun and a van full of kids pull out in front of me, ended up costing me a zero for my final.

letting a church van get in front of me

like most fuck ups, this was not today, it was actually about a year ago. i was hanging out with my friend playing some video games and eating pizza. it was just me, him and his brother. he invited one of his other friends over a little later. the best way i can describe his friend is an awkward guy who likely browses 4chan. so after awhile of chilling eventually the topic of minions came up and my friend's friend said that he hated minions (i don't mind them). i thought he was being rather dramatic about some animated characters. being the annoying person that i am i pushed the subject and kept talking about minions. he then said to me "if you don't stop talking about minions i'm going to stab you" and whips out a knife. in retrospect i probably should've stopped talking about minions, but i hate when people tell me what to do. at this point i had a paper plate with a slice of pizza on it. true to his word i brought up minions one more time and he stabbed my plate of pizza very hard. the blade went through the pizza and the plate and pierced my hand quite deeply. things were pretty awkward after that and all he said was "i told you"

friend's friend hated minions, i kept bringing them up and he proceeded to stab me with a knife

talking about minions

obligatory "this wasn't today", but rather some years ago. also, i would like to preface this story by acknowledging i was certainly disrespectful/rude during most of the situation. i've grown up quite a bit since and wouldn't act this way today. **useful context:** was 17 at the time. second time ever making/trying marijuana edibles (slightly experienced smoker at the time). was with two other friends. **story:** my best friend, who we'll call "brady", has a super cool mom who works for the city i live in, and has many great connections/friends to people. one of her connections is to a woman who runs the performing arts center in my town. (i come from a rather dumpy town, but we're somehow blessed to have a performing arts center that cost millions and millions of dollars. many famous artists and performers are here year round just to play in the facility.) this "connection" offers my friend's mom three free, second row tickets to the peter frampton concert that was coming up the next weekend. brady relays this information to me and my other friend (we'll call him carl) mid-week, and i accept, of course. with knowing my parents will be gone the entire weekend, i invent an "awesome" idea that will enhance our peter frampton experience. we'll make marijuana edibles before the concert!... what an awful idea. it's saturday evening, the day of the concert, and i'm preparing the edibles. (i made firecrackers. graham crackers, peanut butter, and cannabis). in my ignorance, i decided to "eye" how much marijuana i put on them, instead of weighing. my two friends (brady and carl) show up right as the edibles are finished baking. we ingest the edibles and have an hour and a half until the concert. an hour passes, and.... nothing. none of us even feel slightly high. we have great doubts that these edibles are even going to work and are greatly disappointed thus far. regardless, we decided to head to the concert a bit early anyhow and all agree that it will be an awesome experience whether we're intoxicated or not. rolling up to the performing arts center, i remember noting to my friends that i felt a little "loopy" and it's good that we decided to leave early in case they actually do "kick in." both of my friends note the same feeling. it should have been a clear eye opener that the edibles were starting to work when i realized how paranoid i was standing in the lobby of the arts center with so many people around. i guess i chalked this up to the "normal" anxiety i experienced daily with/without drugs. but, upon telling my friends i felt this way they responded by saying they felt a little paranoid too. the concert was about to start, and we decided to go in and sit down. the timing of this next experience is not exaggerated, and it still blows my mind by just how "perfect(?)" the timing of this was. right as i walked into the performance room, i felt like i had suddenly been hit with some sort of tranquilizer. my legs went numb, i couldn't see straight, i could hardly even form coherent sentences, and the paranoia suddenly turned into extreme euphoria. i glance at carl, and he has a giant smirk across his face. i hear brady behind me chuckling softly for no reason... a+, these edibles are better than anything i could have ever expected. upon sitting down, i suddenly noticed that every single thing going on around me was absolutely hilarious for no reason. people just having regular chit-chat? fucking hilarious. people laughing with other people? fucking hilarious. the fact that i was about to see peter frampton live? fucking hilarious. peter frampton enters onto the stage and a loud audience screams and claps their hands. i'm having the time of my life. peter frampton begins to talk as the crowd dies down and brady suddenly starts to crack jokes. i've always had a problem with the giggles, especially in middle school. i would get kicked out of class because people would purposefully try to make me laugh, and i wouldn't be able to help myself. anyhow, i'm secretly dying of laughter while peter frampton speaks. suddenly and without warning, i immediately begin to hallucinate that peter frampton was just a hologram. i swear i probably sat there forever just in awe by this "technology" that was presented in front of me. (obviously, it wasn't actually a hologram. peter frampton was actually about 15-20 feet in front of me.) i excitedly but quietly told my friend about how frampton was a hologram, and his face suddenly changes as he realizes the same thing. we're both shitting ourselves by how cool this fucking hologram is. it's.... it's so real looking! over the next 40 minutes, brady continued to crack jokes, albeit, rather softly spoken, but still a bit too loud. during these 40 minutes, i can recall a voice in the back of my head reminding me that we're maybe being a bit too loud. i was so high that i couldn't even explain to my friend that we were being too loud. while trying to explain it, i realized once again that i was being way too loud, and i think people around us were starting to get angry, maybe? once again, my mind couldn't even grasp on to the simple concepts of respect and i continued to talk/laugh at a volume that was right above "permittable" for the situation. it should be noted that there was an empty seat to the right of me. brady suddenly leans over and whispers in my ear, "you want to know why i reserved that seat to the right of you?" i giggled and asked, "why?" to which he comes back with the most immature response of, "so i had room for my huge fuckin' dick." this obviously isn't grade a comedy, but in my state of mind, i couldn't contain the laughter that was about to erupt. i let out a loud, albeit, rather short squeal that permeates the entire room. peter fucking frampton stops talking for a moment and looks in our general direction, but then continues speaking. i suddenly felt the paranoia again as i noticed all eyes on me. i whisper to brady and carl that we need to shut the fuck up. though i don't remember exactly what was said due to the high tense situation, brady cracks another zinger and i struggle to contain the laughter once again. while i was laughing, i knew we needed to leave. i knew we were being too loud. i knew we were being disrespectful and robbing others of their enjoyment of peter frampton. yet, i was too paranoid to get up and walk out with my two teenage friends in front of thousands of people. finally, some guy sitting directly in front of us turns around and says, "listen you little fuckers. i didn't come to this fucking concert to listen to you little fuckers to laugh and giggle the whole fucking time." cutting the story short, i derived another "great" idea that i should act like i'm having a coughing fit as an "excuse" to exit the room. (what a fucking awful and loud way to say "we're leaving!"....) coughing fit ensues and brady, carl, and i exit the room. as soon as we closed the doors behind us, we all three erupted into the greatest laughter that i've ever experienced. we were being so loud that we exited the building and fell to the pavement laughing our asses off. we walked to the nearest fast food restaurant and camped out there for awhile until our other friend picked us up as we were all too intoxicated to drive and knew it. once again, i do realize how disrespectful we were during this situation. the combination of marijuana and being 17 (which is not a good excuse) inhibited my ability to recognize this idea. also, peter, if you ever read this, i'm very sorry for disrupting your concert. i would like to watch you again, but definitely sober this time. ironically, this wasn't my first time having a crazy experience on edibles. though it was only my second time ingesting edibles, the first time was much more hectic and yielded stronger consequences. here's the link to my first edible experience (wrote that one years ago. hard to follow as i had slept 3 hours the night before writing it): https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3ctkz9/tifu_by_making_pot_brownies/ i've since then quit taking marijuana edibles.

took edibles before peter frampton concert, got way too high, hallucinated frampton was a hallogram, laughed too loud, made frampton pause during his talking, left halfway through the show, was a disrespectful asshole.

taking edibles before a peter frampton concert.

yesterday i was to meet a friend downtown, and, arriving, early, i decided to visit a cafe i don't normally go into. desperately needing to charge my phone, i decided that i'd better have an iced coffee in order to use their outlets. i ordered a large, sat down next to the outlet, and took a big gulp. wow was that stuff intense! being a hipster coffee bar, i only raised my eyebrows at the intense, almost sour, bitterness of the coffee. i must have just been surprised it couldn't really taste that wild. but another sip from the large mason jar (hipster place, remember) only brought the same acrid tastes across my tongue. now, i'm no coffee snob. i'll drink whatever's in front of me, so long as it's black. i don't know what makes a good coffee, what the latest trends are, how long to roast beans. i just know what i like, and i certainly didn't like this. i wasn't about to show everybody how little i know about coffee though, and so i choked down the whole thing in a few minutes and took off to meet my friend. it wasn't long until my day started to get weird. i wondered aloud to my friend if i'd had something g to drink or smoke and simply forgotten about it? perhaps i'd somehow been drugged along the way. she had me meeting some new friends of hers that i didn't know and it didn't help that my intense nervousness and jumpiness make me look like a tweaker. i had a beer to try and calm my nerves and figure out what was going on. my friend opened it for me considering i couldn't stop my hands shaking enough to get the cap off. my heart felt like it was about to explore out of my chest and i could feel the paranoia mounting. what the hell was wrong with me? what was going on? it was then that i remembered the coffee from the cafe and whether it was the effect of my high or just the fact it wasn't directly in front of me but suddenly i could place what tasted so off about it. that wasn't cold brew, that was espresso in ice!! i realized i'd chugged the equivalent of 7 or 8 espressos in 10 minutes. after hitting my head against the wall some j realized all i could do was wait it out. never in my life have actually experience a mind-altering high from caffeine alone and trust me, it was not an enjoyable experience. 1/10 would not recommend.

they made my fucking iced coffee out of straight espresso and i chugged it like an idiot

finishing my coffee even though it tasted off

over the weekend, today and tomorrow i am having a change from my usual work by helping out on a roadworks temporary resurfacing crew. as this job is a few hours away from home and i ride a motorbike i decided i was going to pack light so the journey wasn't too exhausting. having woken up at 0400 several days in a row to get to the site i insisted that my boss got me a hotel down here and even suggested the cheapest i could find in the area. having finished mondays work i headed back to the diggs to shower, eat and actually get more than a few hours sleep for a change. as it happens the place i am staying has some really nice rooms above a great gastropub type place. so far i'm really chuffed! walk in to the room, great double bed, lovely bathroom, yadayada. i have a shower, lay on the bed for fifteen mins to recoup some energy and go downstairs for some grub and a few pints. excellent food, great beer, friendly staff. everything you could want in an overnight stop for work! after eating i decide a walk would cap the evening off perfectly before i have an early night so i go up to my room to grab a jumper and suddenly realise my tifu. for those who don't know the system here when you do temporary resurfacing you spray a bitumen imulsion down mixed with fairly fine gravel. due to the spraying it goes everywhere! all my hi-vis clothes are speckled with tar, more so towards the bottom of my trousers. and my shoes... i have stomped bitumen all over my hotel room carpet. i just spent twenty minutes scrubbing the floor with a bottle of water and a dirty sock as the room is on my bosses card and if he gets charged he will (quite understandably) go absolutely mental at me. gunna have my walk now and see how bad it is once the water has dried a bit. then probably do more scrubbing... ffs

walked though a hotel room that is on my bosses card with road tar all over my boots and probably can't make it go away completely.

not bringing spare shoes while working away.

so this story happened like 2-3 years ago. everytime i tell this story to friends or at a party it always makes people laugh like hyenas, so i thought you might like it as well... enjoy i'm a 20 year old, and i just found a girl that i really liked. we met a night at random by chance and exchanged numbers. i asked her a few days later and we went on our first date. it went better than any other date i've ever been to. she told me about her school and that she had a roommate because she was in college and that i would meet another day. she was absolutely perfect and i really do not want to fuck anything up. it takes about a week and we have both been pretty flooded with work, but we were planning to do some fun friday night. we go out for dinner, go to an outdoor concert, and then meet some of our friends at a local bar. things get a little fuzzy from here. we had both been drinking for a while, and so i approach the point where memory is failing and the alcohol takes control. we go back to her college and fall asleep. i get up and go to the bathroom naked and go back to the room. without believing it would ever happen to me, there's another guy in bed with her. i'm flipping out and my heart is sitting all the way up in my throat. standing in front of the bed, i try to figure out where this guy came from. i was thinking like, "she lied and fucking lays there hugging him in her sleep? - what the heck !?" i decided that the best action would be to wake her and confront her about it. so i go and wake her up and started asking questions. she completely ignores me and walks into the bathroom. i'm totally speechless, and just want to shout and scream at her. i thought i just had to get some clothes on ( i was totally naked) and leave and never come back. while in the bathroom, i'm looking around to find my clothes that i can not find. she comes back from the bathroom and just starts shouting and cursing me out. she started shouting and insisted on knowing who i was and that i had to "get the fuck out of the room." it turns out that it was not my date at all... but it was her roomate and her boyfriend sleeping. (it was like a big room that's only divided in two by a little line of closets, so i must have confused myself and went to the wrong side of the room) i stood there completely paralyzed, still naked, and embarrassed i started to realize what just happened so i went in to my date. i tried to wake her up, but she was passed out and slept like a rock. i was exhausted and there was no way i could come home so i decided to lay down again and worry about it the following day. i woke up later around 6 o'clock in the morning, just rushed out and the following texts with her was soo awkward, and we never really talked other than a couple of texts or snapchats which was sad but it was too embarrasing to see her after all of that! :/

thought my date cheated on me. got angry and woke her up. it wasn't her, but her roomate

i thought my date cheated on me

me and my wife love to go camping, and i recently purchased an extremely nice laptop capable of vr. so i figured i'd bring up my oculus and the laptop and experience vr on a whole new level. my wife also likes to play vr so it was a win/win situation. so we get up to our camp spot, set up the tent and start a fire. as the campfire starts to simmer down, i reach for my laptop and start to set up the oculus rift. after setting up the boundarys and clearing up some space, i was ready to vr it up. i started off playing eve valkyrie, and that was great. just before we had left i purchased super hot because that game looked super fun and it is. so i started playing super hot and i was so into it. i would act like that one guy in the matrix, and just feel like a badass. after about 30 minutes of playing, something terrible happened. i got so into the game, shooting enemy's in front of me, then i turn around. one of the red guys had a shotgun, and the bullets were really close to hitting me. i was so dedicated to the game that i jumped yes, jumped out of the way. which ended up saving my virtual life, but for my real life it screwed me up. you see, i would have been fine if i landed on the ground, but nope, i landed in the firepit. the fire was out, but the coals were still red hot, or should i say super hot. i now have severe burns on my left arm and shoulder blade. i love vr so much that this was just a small setback for me. my wife urged me to go to the hospital, which i eventually did.

i played super hot in vr in the middle of a forest and ended up jumping in a a firepit with hot coals.

playing virtual reality in the middle of the forest.

this happened a few days ago now and i'm bored enough in icu to type this up for your amusement. i was driving home the other day when i had the sudden urge for wendy's nuggets. i wasn't hungry but i had meds that required food, so might as well eat something good. the drink of choice for these particular nugs was a nice strawberry lemonade. flash back to years ago and i'm choking on the most delicious prime rib i've ever had. it was just so good i kept shoveling it in and may have been overly lax on the chewing. since that choking incident food tends to get stuck at the bottom of my throat. usually i can just drink something and it'll politely move along. i finished that prime rib. present time. half of the first chicken nugget has been chewed and swallowed as i merge into the interstate. there are no issues, nothing feels abnormal. i happily drink my lemonade and life is good. wait, it's still in my throat. oh no, lungs hate lemonade but this shit isn't moving so i start drowning while driving. i put on my turn signal like a civilized fucking person and move over the three lanes to the side and put on hazards. now covered in my delicious lemonade i make it out of the vehicle and over to the side to choke that shit out of my throat. success. i finish the meal out of spite and forget my pills. you wish i was done, we're on to the bonus round. i'm feeling tired, whatever i didn't sleep well the day before. i drink all the caffeine i can find for the remaining two hour drive back. make it to the office, clock out, make it home. stairs are a thing and they suck but normally i don't have to crawl up them. alright something might be wrong. take a shit that's straight black... that's a new one. i really want to sleep at this point (which likely would have made me dead) but i google the tar shit because why not. google basically tells me i'm going to die so a ride to the er seems in order. get wheeled in to wait, no shocker there. things are moving slowly. yay i have to shit again. more black gold but wait there's more, i grab the trash can and throw up an additional liter of blood while shitting it. i now have a team of nurses watching some exorcist level shit but none of them offers to grab a priest. on the bright side that made a room open instantly. shortly after that i'm wheeled to what i assume is the organ harvesting room and get quickly koed. wake up with four staples in my esophagus and an all liquid diet. still losing blood so i'm volunteered for a second endoscopy that gets me another staple and a cauterized ulcer.

chew your fucking food or you'll drown going 70mph then shit and vomit blood at the same time

eating a chicken nugget

happened yesterday, but still hurts today... i was out walking my dogs with the wife and along the route is a walnut tree. i noticed a bit of stuff falling out of the tree and figured there was a squirrel eating and dropping his crumbs down below. i looked up and quickly found him sitting on a break branch and chewing away. at the same moment i found the squirrel, a walnut suddenly became dislodged and fell ten feet straight down, hitting me right in the face. by the way, these are the kind of walnuts this tree grows (https://shop.arborday.org/data/default/images/catalog/250/turnkey/1/carpathian-english-walnut_2-935.jpg). the one that got me was about 1-2 inches wide.

looked up a tree to find a squirrel, and got teabagged by the tree.

looking at a squirrel in a tree

i've had a good laugh at some stories on here so i hope you all can get a kick out of this one. this happened about 5-6 years ago. on a hot summers day me and 2 friends decided to head down to little free festival on the coast. neither of us could drive back then so we took the bus. the route usually isn't very long but being a bus it obviously has to go round the houses which made it just under 2 hours there. as you can probably guess from the title i don't travel well and coupled with the heat equalled to a very unpleasant ride. i board the bus and pay my fair, turn to get a seat only to find the whole place packed with people. obviously everyone has the same idea. (i should say at this point i'm by myself since i live further away than my 2 mates, they would be getting on a bit nearer their stop). luckily i spot the last empty seat right at the back but it's one of those seats that faces backwards. not ideal but i'm not standing for 2 hours! i squeeze past people sitting down to get to the back, i then squeeze past a group of 15-16 year olds all sitting along the back row. the seat is facing the back of the bus so i'm basically face to face with a couple of them. luckily it's a window seat so i just turn on my music and stare out the window. if any of you are like me you know that travelling backwards is not pleasant when you're easily travel sick, and i'm fully aware of this sitting on the bus so i just try to take things easy and focus on stuff outside. about 40 minutes in and i'm feeling confident, no sick feeling yet, if only i knew what was coming. a few stops away from my mates house i start to feel that all to familiar feeling. the mild headache kicking in, the churning stomach, i knew what was coming but i felt confident i could fight it off. just focus on the outside. breathe deeply. it doesn't help that the only windows on the bus are these tiny little slits that barely open right at the top. not good. the stop comes and more people pile on including my 2 friends. one takes the recently empty seat next to me while the other stands, i offer the seat but he declines. i joke with them about how ill i'm feeling just to try and make light of the situation and they both laugh. a bit further in and i'm really feeling shit. i'm no longer talking to them, just staring out the window. survival mode activated. i don't know about anyone else here but when you're feeling that bad i find people talking to you just makes things worse and that is exactly what my friend next to me was doing. i can't even remember what she was saying to me since i was trying to focus on breathing but apparently she was giving me tips on how to feel better. ha! just over half way into the trip i feel it. it's going to happen right here on the bus. it was like a runaway train of vomit chugging its way up my throat and i was powerless to do anything. frantically looking around for a bag or anything i could use, that's when i feel that warm chuncky liquid rush into my mouth. my cheeks literally expand with vomit, i look like a hamster storing nuts in its mouth. i attempt to swollow it but only manage a bit before i start to gag, i couldn't risk a top up! i then started to gag at the idea of holding sick in my mouth. i tried my best to avoid thinking about it, i tried to focus on getting off this bus and breathing in that sweet sweet air. the teenagers sitting opposite me clock what's going on and cover their mouths and gasp, some look away and others giggle. oh my god no. i couldn't see the colour of my face but i would imagine it shone with the unique mix of pale white and bright red. my mate turns to face my bloated face but looks confused, maybe she think's i'm just pissing about with her. her face instantly drops when she realises what's happening, she nudges my other friend and they're both unsure what to do, fair enough, tbh i wouldn't know what to do in that situation. we ring the bell to get off and all i can do is wait for the bus driver to pull over, those 2 minutes felt like 2 months in my mind but thankfully we were close to the next bus stop. the bus driver pulls over so my 2 friends go ahead single file and i go to follow them when i notice a purse on the seat my friend was sat on. she hasn't noticed anything as she's making her way through the people to the open doors of the bus. thinking back it was obviously hers since it wasn't there when she came to sit down but for whatever reason i thought that it might have been one of the teenage girls purses sitting opposite me. i really don't know why i thought that but i did, i didn't want to risk walking out with some girls purse and getting accused of theft in that situation. i pick the purse up and turn to show my mate but she's walking away and i obviously can't shout to ask her since i'm currently holding an ungodly amount of sick in my mouth. i turn to one of the girls with her hand covering her mouth, shake the purse at her while making a weird humming noise as if i'm asking a question. she shakes her head and i turn to get out of there quick! once out i run towards a bush to spew up properly. i reckon the whole bus was watching at that point but i didn't care. funnily enough i was expecting to throw up again but all i did was empty my mouth. as i finished up behind the bush i handed the purse back to my friend and she handed me a bottle of water to rinse my mouth out and as i did the bus pulled away. after the ordeal we all fell about laughing at what just happened, me included, i was laughing so hard i thought it was time for round 2! then the reality of where we were hit. we were stuck in the middle of no where. we set out to go to that free festival and by god we were going to make it! the next bus wasn't for a good hour or 2 and i didn't fancy getting on another bus anyway. it wasn't too bad in the end, we walked the rest of the way which was exhausting but fun. we stumbled on different places we didn't know existed on our way like a hemp field where we filled our pockets with leaves thinking if we dried and smoked enough with we could get a mild high. we couldn't. we eventually made it to the festival and enjoyed the rest of the day chilling out on the beach so in the end it was a good day. though any long future trips on public transport i'm definitely packing sick bags!

was sick on a bus but kept it in my mouth while trying to communicate with a fellow passenger

being sick on public transport

this happened many years ago, before the internet &nbsp; i was a couple years out of high school and was offered a job as a contract security guard for a large company that made business machines for the international market, i will call them bmi &nbsp; my friend's father, jerry, was a life long employee of bmi and currently oversaw several contracts including the security contract. my friend even worked at one of the main buildings at the main security office. he create all the access badges for staff members. &nbsp; i was hired instantly because of my personal contacts and began sitting in the lobby of one of their many buildings. i was more of a receptionist than actual security. i made sure everyone had a badge and was escorted. i never even spoke with any real security personnel &nbsp; the thing about this company was that they had had some very famous incidents where fired employees(or force ably retired employees) had come back and shot up the place. &nbsp; one even drove through a building lobby. &nbsp; this was many years ago, i know this is common today, but at that time there had only been a few incidents of this nature. &nbsp; i was on the job for six months and i always rode into work with jerry, we worked at the same location. my friend worked else where. i really got to know jerry, he was a quiet guy but he had a dark sense of humor. &nbsp; with a fresh set of buyouts being offered by bmi, my friends father decided it was time to retire and he put in his papers. &nbsp; on his last day he asked me to send him an email with a good bye note and he would include it in his binder, this was apparently a tradition at bmi and was actually kind of a nice request. so i sat around all morning coming up with the best material i could conceive and in the end i decided to create a fake memo. &nbsp; i made it appears as if the head of security had originated a memo and addressed the security staff stating that there would be many people retiring over the next month and that we should be cautious as many don't want to go. i filled a full page of comments like, "physical force may be used to escort retirees form the building. please check all baggage for badges, key cards, staplers and especially scissor which might be used to hurt themselves or others" i cant remember any more, but it was not pretty. &nbsp; i sent it to jerry and he called to say he loved it was laughed his ass off. &nbsp; about two hours later my supervisor, tom, from the contract company came by my desk and grilled me about email usage, he was visibly upset and told me that he had been called into the head of security over my email to jerry. &nbsp; they were pissed at the contract company as this was a sensitive issue, retirees becoming violent. &nbsp; all i could think was how did the head of security see my email!!!! &nbsp; jerry told me on the way home that as it was his last day he had forwarded all emails to his son so that he could print them out. my friend had simply left them sitting on the printer too long and since he worked in the security office...guess who found them first &nbsp; so the last thing that jerry did on his last day after 30+ years at the company where he had met his wife, was to apologize repeatedly about my email and save my stupid worthless job. &nbsp; a week later we were all called to the main office, rotated in shifts. all contract personnel, not just the security staff, but loading dock, admin, secretaries. all had to receive sensitivity training about how to treat staff and retirees. &nbsp; this cost the contract company considerable amount in time that they could not bill bmi for, half a day's pay for 250 personnel &nbsp; i was not fired because jerry took the blame, he asked for the email...he was a great guy. i did find myself as a "floater" not long after that, i went desk to desk covering during breaks. not sure if that was a promotion or demotion. &nbsp;

emailed a friend's father a fake email pretending to originate from the head of security and the head of security found it on a printer, hilarity ensued

emailing a fake memo to a retiring employee, nearly getting fired and causing the entire staff to receive sensitivity training

this fu happened 2 days ago. i took a picture that i wanted to post on /r/mildlyinteresting. i go on the subreddit, making sure that it doesn't break any of the posting rules, and submit the image. after hitting the submit button, the screen freezes and doesn't load the next page where i can see the posted image. the page gets stuck and everything suggests that the image didn't upload. i then decide that if /r/mildlyinteresting doesn't load, i can post it on /r/oddlysatisfying. i go ahead and post it on their subreddit and it goes through without a problem and within the next couple of hours, i see the post climbing up the front page of r/oddysatisfying. here's the fu... i left the tab where i was submitting to mildlyinteresting open, and i suppose after a while, it went through and posted on the other subreddit as well without me realizing it. however, one of the rules for posting on r/mildlyinteresting is that it cannot be a report or x-post... which this has become, since i posted on oddysatisfying as well. fast forward the next morning when i log on to reddit and i get a [message](http://imgur.com/gupyonx) saying that my account is permanently suspended from reddit... :( i am assuming my post on mildlyinteresting is what did it, but the message i got stated that it was suspended due to a possible compromise because i did not have an email linked to it. i've since then added an email, verified it, send reddit an email and message asking why the suspension, but no reply as of yet. rip 60k karma edit: added screenshot of message received.

posted on r/mildlyinteresting, screen froze and didn't post. posted on r/oddysatisfying, posted without problem. later found out the first post also went though, and counted as a report/x-post which is not allowed. account permanently suspended.

posting on /r/oddlysatisfying and getting my account permanently suspended

this fuck up was about an hour ago. today is my birthday and two days ago i bought a blue snowball mic for myself. i mainly bought just so i can talk to my friends on skype without using a shitty 5 dollar mic. i got the confirmation that the mic arrived today so, i looked around my house but i could not find the package. i checked the confirmation again and realized that it was delivered to my sister who is living in pittsburgh. which is a 6+ hour drive from where i am currently living. she is also flying out of the country on wednesday so i will have to beg her to go to the post office and send it back to my house. if she doesn't i will have to wait until she visits home which can be many months away. so i guess, happy birthday to me?

i send my birthday present to my sister in pittsburgh who lives 6+ hours away.

sending my birthday present to the wrong address

happened about 3 years ago. i was 19. i was at one of my friend's house, having a good time partying, we were all drunk, when we decided to play truth and dare. when my turn came, i went for the truth. so at that time, i had went out with a girl i was really into, a couple of times. let's call her sarah. it was nothing too much from her side, but i was really into her. so, in the game, i was asked about my sexual fantasies with her. i was a dumb guy, plus drunk as well. i just blurted out things about 69ing her and all that shit. i know you guys are gonna say, that's fucking creepy, and i agree. unknown to me, apparently one of the guys, let's call him richard, was recording this on his phone. anyway, so that happened, and i forgot all about it, and went on with my life. sarah said it was not working, i understood, and we pretty much stop talking afterwards. anyway, so today morning, i woke up to hundreds of notifications on my phone. turns out richard had posted that video on facebook, because of some falling out we had recently had. people were calling me a creep and all that. i am too embarrassed to read through all the comments/text sarah. fuck you, dick. edit: my current gf doesn't think it's creepy at all and she's okay with that, so i've got that going for me.

blurted out my sexual fantasies to a camera 3 years ago. video gets posted on fb. kill me plz.

blurting out my fantasies about a girl to a camera

my first fu ever on this sub, this happened just a few minutes ago, and what a wake-up call i had. i have terrible computer anxiety, i worry about getting nasty shit in my computer. so i'd always be prowling across my task manager from time to time to make sure nothing weird is going down. it's a bad habit i've had for a couple years and while most of my anxiety has gone away for it, i still worry about a few things. *thanks for the anxiety high school...* i've recently been really into s.t.a.l.k.e.r. call of pripyat, i've watched hours of videos where people play modded and i thought that would be so cool to have. i bought the game earlier this week and decided i'd muster up the courage and go get some mods. so i start playing this game for an hour and am loving every minute of it when i have to get off and check some other shit on my pc. while i was doing my other tasks, i figured i should restart my pc and let it refresh after not being restarted for a couple of weeks. i sit back and mess around on breath of the wild for a bit. when my pc's all ready to go i decided to check task manager because steam likes to hang up rarely. here's where the fu happens, right about now. i go under the "users" tab in task manager to check the processes that i'm running, i only notice 16 of the normal 18 i see. i lose my fucking mind and immediately feel my heart pounding. *did i just...fuck my computer up with mods?* i thought as i panicked, ready to pull my bedhead hair apart to the roots. i quickly shut down my computer and turn it on again, thinking that the two processes probably will show up on next boot. nope, still nothing, i'm panicking even worse now and i scramble through my hard drive to purge my stalker mod files and the game itself through steam. **but**, i realized my anxiety over my computer was about to be tamed. i click on my nvidia geforce experience to let it update while i sort out this mess i presumably fell in. suddenly, geforce experience errors while it installs some update and it kills itself, *literally*. geforce experience **disappeared** off my computer when i did that restart. it took my tired self a few minutes of looking at task manager again to realize the gravity of what transpired. *those two processes were nvidia geforce experience processes*. with a sigh of relief i'm glad i didn't fu up my computer, but i nearly was about to have avast! scan every nook and cranny of my computer while i think that i'd have to reinstall windows again...*i really shouldn't do this shit when i've gotten little sleep...* as for what i've been told on the s.t.a.l.k.e.r. subreddit mods are completely fine and are screened on the mod site. i really gotta stop worrying about my computer so much...*i think it's time to go back to sleep...* i still worry why geforce experience just did that, it was some runtime error popup that resulted in the entire geforce experience going: "peace out ima disappear". hopefully later in the week i can come back to this and have a good laugh about it. edit: ok so now that i got some coffee in my system i got myself together and searched up this problem with geforce experience being dumb, and apparently it happens to a lot of people, the power of reddit goes a long way. time to give stalker another shot! ^after^more*coffeeeeeeeee edit 2: forgot to mention there was a process called **cft loader** running when i was playing stalker. i'm not sure why it was but a lot of people online claim it can be malicious and in disguise. i haven't noticed it when i booted again. i had the mods: atmosfear 3, absolute nature 3 and arsenal overhaul 3.1. i'm not sure if something caused that to make that process open, i don't have any office software on my pc, any it tech guys that happen on this, care to explain and should i have to run a scan through avast? edit 3: asked one of my it friends about the whole thing, checked my pc out and said everything was fine. now to relax and playing more botw!

thought that installing some s.t.a.l.k.e.r. mods fucked my pc up, restarted, saw some processes missing, realized nvidia geforce experience killed itself forever when i did this restart and tried to update drivers.

thinking my computer was done for

okay, this happened today + obligatory throw away. let me set the scene, class has a word cloud for certain poll questions and they'll pop up the response from students anonymously. yes, yes, i know what you're thinking, student responses? anonymously? bingo for edgy trolls right. that's exactly what i thought ): so she asks a question that goes along the lines of "what can be the result of anxiety?" everyone starts pumping their answers, some legitimate, few soft trolls, some "not studying for a test tomorrow" or a "hannah baker" here and there. so this is where the tifu happened, edgy me quickly snap up the phone and smash in rape. i hit send, its anonymous, what really could happen? shit hits the fan, everyone freezes, rape is exploded across the board. the lecturer stops and does a huge speech on how inappropriate it is. worse is people start looking at me and are like is that you? i literally deflect it all and say i wrote another response, everyone is saying how ridiculously far that troll took it. it was me but no one will know. staff promptly sent an email out mentioning it triggered people and if affected or experiencing a situation should seek help. edit: word

wrote rape on an online board anonymously, class hates me and staff are worried. no one knows but boy did i get sweaty.

writing rape

this happened last night, i made a flash visit to my hometown to be in my best friends wedding on saturday in the afternoon. since they live literally by the airport, i wasn't carrying documented luggage and i already had had my check in, i figured i could arrive very close to departure time. big fucking mistake because i didn't count with that horrendous traffic in the driveway between terminal 1 and terminal 2 (flight had to be taken on terminal 2) that shit delayed us enough time to arrive when the aircraft was already closed. i had to purchase a new ticket for today that it is much more expensive. this one way ticket is two times more expensive than the round trip and in a shittier airline also is a connection flight so i’m here in the connection airport waiting for my next flight. i'm going to arrive late at my job and lose money in the process. the moral of this is never bet against time.

lost flight, had to buy new more expensive ticket, gonna be late for work. i’m a moron.

missing a flight

it actually happend 2 years ago when i was in the first year of my apprenticeship. it was a normal day after work, on the way home i met a good old stoner friend. as always he is stoned and wanted to smoke some more. i asked to join and got stoned. even tho i know how much i can take, this was alot stronger than usual (ak47). i went home after that. it hit me so hard i had to lay in bed for a while. it felt really bad and i almost puked because of everything spinning in my head. suddenly my dad came into my room "why are you still here, you have to go to the french private tutoring". (i had to learn french since you have to in switzerland and i am from germany with 0 experience in that language) anyways i told my dad im not feeling good and i cant go, did not want to tell him im stoned obviously. he forced me to go starting to get angry. bad idea, but i told him the truth, that i was stoned. he was getting even more angry and said he could drive me there. now i am sitting in his car, high as fuck. when we arrived it was hard to get up the stairs but i made it eventually. tried to be cool and not look stoned. the teacher welcomed me and said something along the lines that she will read something on french and i have to sum it up at the end. she was reading about 5 minutes but it felt like 2 hours at that time and i did not understand a single word she was saying. i told her, that i had no idea what she was saying. at the end, she said: "ok thats it, leave and come back when you are willing to learn" she also called my dad about it. so my dad was angry with me, i felt like shit, i fucked up the expensive french lesson and almost puked. *also sorry for my bad english and repetitive phrases*

smoked pot but had a french lesson afterwards. dad and teacher was getting angry. i felt like shit and almost puked.

getting stoned at the wrong time

this just happened. i work about an hour away from home, and i was almost to work when my wife calls. she is livid. we have a toddler and we only have one car seat, but we drive separate cars to work. she takes our son and drops him off at the day care on her way to work, and after driving my car all weekend, i forgot to take out the car seat and return it to her car last night, which leaves her stranded at home. she has called my mom to come and pick our son up so she can go to work, but she is going to be quite late and things haven't been going so well at her work lately. she has been late a couple times recently and her boss has apparently not been in a good mood. she could potentially get fired, although i tried to tell her it's pretty unlikely. the irony is that before i left home this morning, i was complaining that she was going to make me late for work...

i left for work with our only car seat and left my wife and kid stranded at home until help arrives and making her super late to work.

going to work with our only car seat and now my wife could be fired

in order to get the whole picture, it'd be better if i start from square one. square one being in the middle of religion class during a lesson about islam. be me: typical white male with asperger's syndrome. politically incorrect and likes making lots of somewhat offensive jokes. due to motor control problems i have to type my notes on a tablet instead of writing down by hand. so, during religion, we listed up the basic religions and had to guess how many people of each religion exist. once islam came around, i answered the question "how many muslims are there" with "too many"and didn't give it a second thought. that's where the shitstorm starts. for some reason, the teacher for the following period did not appear, so we were unsupervised. i was minding my own business, blocking everyone out like i usually do, before about 5 other students wanted to ask me why i did such a "racist, insensitive and politically incorrect joke". i wanted to have a civil conversation about it but it rapidly turned into a hurricane of insults directed towards me, mainly about my asperger's (i am so far the first neurodivergent person to have entered that school), my extreme clumsiness and my weakness (in addition to my mental problems, i also have a slight muscle weakness.) i didn't pay too much mind to it, but after a while i got annoyed, so i apologized and everyone decided that matters were over. except that they weren't. for some reason they dug it back up several months later, throwing mean and insulting comments at me whenever they could, complaining to the teacher about me typing loudly, and here comes the bug fish: screaming in the locker rooms. as an aspie, i absolutely despise loud noises, they are a massive drain on my mental strength and can often cause me to curl up and sometimes completely lose control of myself. and they knew that i hated it. that went on for several months, up until the final few weeks which were already stressful due to all the exams. so one day, during the screaming part in the locker rooms, i politely asked them to stop screaming, but they simply replied in an even louder volume that they'll do whatever they want to do. so i snapped and i lost it. i lunged forward and shouted at the top of my lungs: "people like you are the reason school shooters exist!". before collapsing on the floor and breaking up crying. cue several days later, one of the school's psychologists called me into her office to ask me a couple of questions. gun related questions (i live in luxembourg which has insanely strict gun laws). she asked me whether i owned a gun, play violent video games and whether i've ever planned to go do a public shooting, to which i of course responded "no." she then asked me why i always wear the same pants (the pants in question are long baggy ones with a grey/white and purple camp pattern. they're also very comfortable.). after going home, my mother received a phone call from the psycohologist who claimed that i was a potential school shooter and that she would write it down in my file, which would essentially ruin any chances of getting anywhere in life. the problem was eventually solved, but that's mainly personal or complicated stuff. ps: this is my first time posting here, so sorry if it's weirdly written.

i get harassed for almost half of the entire school year without anyone batting an eye, eventually end up lashing out at the offenders, get called into the psychologist's office and she classifies me as a potential school shooter (muh possible violent behavior). threatens to put it into my file before parents intervene.

almost getting expelled from school for losing control during harassment and shouting at the harassers