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reddit_tifu

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this actually happened today. i bought an old corvette for practically nothing earlier this year to fix it up-thing was a mess. i poured my heart and soul into that car and got it in great shape. this car was beautiful, and running perfectly. i'm talking a completely redone interior, thoroughly cleaned and tuned engine-all the work done by me, hundreds of hours. ...notice i said was. i was down to the last few things: brakes and tires. they weren't in great shape but not the worst things on the car so i had let them slide to the bottom of the list. i washed the car and decided to drive it to dry it off, rather than using a towel-i'm lazy and hey, i wanted an excuse to drive my car. i leave the house and head down the steep hill from our house, round a corner, and see 2 full size pickups blocking the middle of the road. i slammed on the brakes, and in a car with good tires, that would have been enough. however, old tires with no tread don't stop well. i skidded almost 100 feet without even slowing down much and slammed into one of the trucks. completely totaled the car and gave myself a nice concussion. even as i was being taken in the ambulance the pickups owner was yelling "fuck you" at me-that's about all i remember. worst part? cops don't believe i wasn't speeding because of the long skid marks, so the accident was ruled my fault instead of the assholes who blocked the entire road. i'm ok now, just resting up.

don't wait to get your tires changed, they're expensive but not as much as a new car and hospital stay.

not getting new tires

this story happened earlier today, and i'm just getting around to writing it up. i'm one of the members of my highschool's robotics team, and in our shop we have several 3d printers. abs plastic, when used in a 3d printer, produces a slight burning smell during printing, so i've gotten used to tuning out the lingering smell of burning plastic. there's also a couple of shelves with battery chargers and the batteries for our robots. yesterday i had put a few batteries on the chargers overnight (which is safe to do, all of the chargers have built-in regulation so they won't over-charge). i'd used one of the older model of chargers, since the newer ones were already in use. today started out normally enough, with the 3d printers running constantly, and me writing code in a corner of our shop, tuning out most other stimulus in concentration. after a couple of hours, my friend taps me on the shoulder while i was getting ready to leave and asks "do you smell that?". i shrug and reply "it's probably just the 3d printer, nothing to worry about". after a few minutes the smell starts to get stronger and more metallic, and i get up to check on the 3d printers. the smell gets weaker the closer i get to the printers, and with a sinking feeling i run over to check the battery chargers. the older battery charger has a yellow light on it, and the battery next to it looks pretty melted. a syrupy yellow liquid has mixed with the melted outer casing of the battery, and i could see the liquid slightly steaming from how hot it was. "oh, fuck", i exclaimed partially in surprise and partially in awe. i quickly disconnected the power to the charger, and grabbed a plastic lid to transport the battery outside. by the time i got it outside the battery had already started to melt through the lid (fuck-up no. 2 of the day). after letting the battery cool and getting it away from anything flammable, i threw away the defective (and slightly melted) charger. if this had happened an hour later, the battery would have still been on the charger for the day, and most likely would have caught fire overnight.

trusting a shitty battery charger + a false sense of security + being used to smelling burning plastic = $50 in melted equipment, a ruined plastic lid, and a highschool robotics lab that narrowly avoided spontaneous combustion.

ignoring the smell of burning plastic

of course this didn't happen today rather a few months ago. during this time i got a cold that utterly sucked ass, like we're talking phlegm coming out every two seconds, headaches, cough, the works. i decided since i have work in the morning to take some nyquil so i can rest easy and feel better in the morning. now let me tell you, i don't take any meds when i'm sick like ever. whenever i got sick my mom would make me take a shot of lime and honey to get better. i get into bed and fall asleep. three hours pass and i wake up out of nowhere. let me remind you i'm groggy as shit and my body is pretty much working on its own. i get up and smack my balls with the fury of god himself as i try to get up. i couldn't properly describe the pain i felt as i fell back asleep. in the morning i wake up with the memory of my balls being abused by chris brown. i get up to pee and i feel as if my balls were exhausted from all the adrenaline pumping.

sick so i take drugs to fall asleep. end up waking up to smack my nuts and pass out due to pain.

waking up and smacking my balls.

started off the day like usual. went to prepare lunches for my kids around 6am. put some oil in a skillet to warm up. about 20 seconds i remember that we just bought this brand new sorcery machine for frying (an air fryer) foods. turned it on put the chicken in it and boom was on my way. completely forgot to turn off the burner under the skillet.. a few mins later i just grabbed skillet and set it in the sink. the vibration of dropping the really hot skillet in the sink caused water to drip from the faucet resulting in a mini nuclear explosion... the one drop of hot oil to hit me did so to my face... not just any where on my face but right on my left eyeball just to left of my pupil. so i figured out quickly i was not blind and kept going through the pain. dropped the kids off to school, went to work. about 7hrs later still in pain... way more pain.. i decided to go to the emergency clinic. after diagnosis i have what seems to be a second degree burn to my eye ball. got some ointment put on it and a not so cool looking eye patch. follow up visit with the optometrist in the am. will post and update and pics of i capture any. thanks.

forgot a hot skillet with oil on the stove. sat it in the sink resulting in water dripping on to the hot oil. the resulting explosion cause oil to burn my eyeball.

forgetting a hot skillet with oil on the stove.

before i start, this did not happen today. it happened about a month and a half ago, and this is written like an essay because it is one (for my english class). i'd actually really appreciate some feedback on my writing because this is 40% of my grade. it all started yesterday--4:45 a.m, to be exact. i had a not-so-pleasant awakening from two alarms at the exact same time, one which came from my dad’s phone, the other belonging to me. i wasn’t tired, just groggy. nineteen days of vacation had passed, and both my dad and i were ecstatic to finally go home and see my mom and sister, who had stayed behind. we rented a room at motel 6, because it was our last night and we were “only going to be there for a couple of hours” (according to my dad). the shower was dirty and extremely small, and the water was lukewarm. there’s a saying that goes something along the lines of, ‘how you start your day is how your day will go’. our day was off to a fairly irresponsible start, especially because we didn’t leave the hotel room till after 5:45 a.m. we checked out of the motel and headed towards the airport. besides us running behind schedule, everything was going according to plan. the rental car was returned successfully, i had a cold-pressed coconut water on the shuttle to the airport, and all of our bags were tsa ready. well, everything was going fine… that is, up until we walked into the airport. it was as if we had just entered a life-sized maze. we looped around, hit dead ends and walked aimlessly. my dad was frantically asking people if they knew where our hawaiian airlines flight was, to no avail. about twenty-five minutes after we got into the airport, we found our check in line. we were greeted by a man behind a ‘hawaiian airlines’ counter in an aloha shirt, who kindly told us that we were far too late to board, but there was another flight tomorrow. okay, take two. the next day we replicated everything we did the previous morning, even re-returning the same rental car. this time however, we woke up earlier, and went straight to the hawaiian airlines check in line. they let us in! this is it, i thought! we were flying standby, so we were the last to board. we watched as the first class passengers boarded, and the business class passengers, and the economy passengers, and finally the standby passengers boarded. by the time this had all happened, about an hour had passed and three parties of standby fliers remained. nervous, i had a gut feeling of what was about to happen. i didn’t want to believe it, trying my hardest to eradicate the negative thoughts; but much like quicksand, the more i struggled and resisted, the further i sunk. we waited there for fifteen minutes, doom impending. finally, they called us up to the podium to deliver the news--we weren't boarding. to make matters worse, they were overbooked for the rest of the week. dejected then deranged, we frantically called other airlines- time is of the essence! i called united airlines, while my dad scoured the internet for last minute flights. we decided to go with united, and my dad purchased our tickets for a modest $1,200 each. the flight didn’t board till 9:40 a.m and it was 8:00 a.m, so we figured we had time to kill. we browsed the airports subpar food selection, and decided on a place called peet’s cafe. it was a small coffee house with plush leather couches which you sunk into, so we decided to relax and eat breakfast for a while. i got a passion fruit tea which was bitter and had practically no passionfruit flavor in it, but the coffee cake and pumpkin bread was delightful. we ate until we were full, and decided it was time to head off. our flight was at the other side of the airport, so we had to leave early. we got to the check in line and waited patiently, then showed them our flight receipt. apparently in all of that confusion, we must've lost track of time. the united worker behind the counter told us that it was 9:55, and they couldn't let us board the flight. we missed a flight when we were waiting at the airport! at this point, my dad was losing it, and our day was diminishing. we booked another flight with united, but they didn’t have anymore direct flights back to hawaii for a day or two, so we decided to take a flight with three layovers. the flight went from sacramento to san francisco to kauai, and finally to oahu. to make matters worse, the flight to san francisco didn’t board till 3:30 p.m, and it was 10:30 a.m. leaving the airport and trying to do something wasn’t worth the hassle, plus we didn’t want to risk missing yet another flight. so, we sat a couple hundred feet away from the terminal by the restaurants and just waited it out. after that, everything went according to schedule with the exception of our flight from san francisco to kauai; which was delayed by an hour. united gave us a granola bar and a bottle of water for the wait though, which was totally worth it.

stopped at a coffee shop at the airport and lounged around, and i ended up missing my flight & having to take a flight with 3 layovers.

missing my flight at the airport

i work as a barback and bartender at a nice place in town, kinda the nicest and more expensive of the places around. last night, late in the shift i was called over to the kitchen, "somebody needs to drop off this desert now". i dutifully walked the desert over to a couple sitting just outside the kitchen. with a smile i said, "here's desert, enjoy!" and turned to walk away when out of the corner of my eye i saw that i had just f'd up. along the pristine white and brown merengue of the desert i'd just left for this couple was a crawling beetle, a moving spec that if seen has the potential to irrevocably alter the entire evening. i had already turned away, i didn't understand the response to something like this and i froze. no, i ran away. in that moment i was transformed into a child and a coward. i walked away from the table with my mind reeling and into the kitchen directly to the person who had made the desert. i told her that i had seen a bug, that i didn't know what to do, that i hoped it would fly away or be missed entirely. it didn't happen that way. i don't think it's necessary to go into what happened after that, it was too quiet to be called a fiasco and i was very much detached from what happened. the couple refused a free desert and left after signing their check. i walked into the restaurant this morning and spoke with the executive chef who was severely disappointed with me. i had nothing to say, i knew i'd f'd up. i was drowned in shame. right now all i have is work and my days off from work. working behind that bar is where i derive my sense of self efficacy. all my focus is on learning spirits and my joy from comes from the opportunity to be creative at work. i am ashamed. i know that anyone else in that building would have just picked up the plate. i am overwhelmed with remorse. the chef told me he feels as if i sabotaged him and i understand what he meant, i cannot be trusted anymore. now i have to leave. all the things that i loved my job for required trust. how can i make something off menu, try a new recipe or deal with guests when i am a known saboteur? i have some growing up to do elsewhere. i have to go someplace where i can earn that trust, i won't be able to earn it back here. maybe my chef who i dearly respect will accept me back after some time and after i've bettered myself.

i left a couple a desert containing bugs. now i'm almost certainly going to be fired, or at least i have to quit.

serving bugs for desert

obligatory: this happened 5 years ago when i was 16. from ages 10-13 my friends and i would frequently prank call 1-800-runaway, which is a hotline/safeline in america for kids who ran away from home and need help. we'd make up ridiculous stories, laugh our asses off, get screamed at and would do it again a week later. fast forward a few years to when i'm 16. my friend's poly-substance addiction is bustling and he just chugged a bunch of robotussin, snuck out of his house, and showed up at another friend's house where we were chilling & smoking pot. let's call my runaway friend adam. adam was grounded for getting caught smoking cigars outside of his house, which is idiotic compared to the drugs he was using (robotussin, ambien, alcohol, weed). after a week of isolation and taking random drugs, he decided to run away and meet up with our friend group. he shows up out of nowhere and we're pretty surprised and excited. yoooo adam!! we all yelled and cheered as we passed him a joint. he smokes with us, but shit starts getting weird from there. his speech is a bit slurred but he tells us he needs to hide right now. at this point we didn't realize he snuck out of his house, we just thought he was paranoid. we tell him to go to the bulk-head of my friend's unfinished basement, and he dashes there. a minute later his parents are banging on the door. we all panic because 1) we're kids smoking pot and 2) we didn't know why his parents were so pissed. adam's dad is an asshole and has hit him before. we didn't realize adam had run away (we just thought they were being dicks), so we protected him by lying to his parents & said we hadn't seen adam since he got grounded last week. they leave, adam comes back upstairs, drinks more robotussin and tells us he ran away from home. all of us are in shock. what the fuck is going on?! next thing i know i'm driving adam back to his neighborhood because his master plan (clouded by robotussin) is to hide out in his yard overnight and sneak back in at some point. at this point i legit thought adam was in danger, because his dad was so angry at him when he showed up out of nowhere during the earlier smoke sesh. i also didn't know if he was gonna hit his head on a rock in his yard overnight, drown in a puddle, or fall out of a tree. basically i didn't want him to get hurt due to robotussin delirium or his father's rage. so, here's where the fuck up comes in. adam gets out of the car to take a breather because he's panicking (many drugs in his system + fear of the situation he's in). i'm also semi panicked and i remember there's a legit hotline for runaway kids! 1-800-runaway!!! i call them, tell them everything i just typed out, and they said that multiple prank calls have been made from this number before and that i'm being blocked from ever calling again. fuck. i fucked up. curse you young teenage u/climb-high for your fuckery. they saved my number from 3 years ago? shit, maybe i shouldn't have pranked called them multiple times saying i ran away from home because my brother stuck crayons up my dick... well, that's the fuck up. no help from the hotline that's legit made for these situations. adam ends up sneaking back home and is grounded for a lot longer. he said he wasn't beat or anything but was verbally abused and called a retard day in and day out. adam's drug use continued during this period with a lot of robotussin drinking. it continues to this day, but with more "adult" drugs like cocaine...

prank called 1-800-runaway so much as a youngster. a drugged-up friend (on robotussin) actually needed runaway help, but my phone number was still flagged from years ago. hotline didn't take us seriously, i was blocked from calling, and we were left panicking as to how to get my high friend home without his father beating him up.

prank calling 1-800-runaway too many times

this happened years ago when i was about 12 or 13 and home alone. i can't even remember what i was doing, probably some craft project, in the living room. i ended up supergluing my index and middle fingers together on my left hand. they were only stuck together below the second knuckle so i could kind of pull them apart at top. i knew that nail polish remover would work but i was too lazy to go get it from the upstairs bathroom. so i thought it would be a good idea cut them apart instead. cause i'm stupid, this is really the only reason. i opened a pair of scissors and slid one side down between my fingers. i press down in a sawing motion and instantly slice into my middle finger. of course, blood starts flowing down my fingers and hand. i need first aid so i end up going upstairs anyway. i obviously can't put a band aid or neosporin on so i decide now is the time to use the nail polish remover. i honestly only remember intense burning pain as i just dump nail polish remover into my open, bleeding wound. i just cried and shook my hand, getting blood all over the sink. i eventually rinsed my finger with water which wasn't a pleasant feeling either. upside was that my fingers were unstuck. i cleaned up and never told anyone what happened.

i superglued my fingers together. tried to cut them apart with scissors and cut my finger instead. then poured nail polish remover into my open wound.

supergluing my fingers together

this particular fuckup happened today at work and i've gotten to the point where i can laugh at it but as it happened i was freaking out. also apologies for mobile typos and such. so i said rocking it at work and because i work in a call center, i have my cube that is basically my home to do with what i want. so today since i'm not feeling too well i decided to make an improvised standing desk to help open me up and make it easier to breathe with my sickness. the day started out easy enough, i found some boxes lying around that sufficed as ample leverage for my keyboard and mouse to talk to customers and make their days brighter despite my nasally plugged up voice. after my lunch i get an hour or so to answer emails so i get to hop off the phones for a while and enjoy a bit of time not talking to people. because i get the time off i decide to finally raise my monitors and make my standing desk a full reality. so i take the monitors down with the help of my co-worker and raise the mouts that hold them up to standing eye level and enjoy my new found un-hunched walk of life for taking calls when i hop back on in a couple hours. so i sit back down to revel at my work and then reply to an email. as i'm typing away the mount to my left monitor falls rather abruptly and hits my desk with a loud crash. needless to say all my co-workers come to revel in the shattered display of the lcd screen that i now have to explain to it. so to make sure to keep doing my job i swapped my fubar monitor to the unused desk to my left and take a monitor from that desk and use it for the rest of the day.

i did not monitor my monitor enough and am now being re-monitored by it.

breaking my office computer monitor by trying to make my life easier at work.

this happened yesterday. for those of you who don't know, pre-student teaching comes just one semester before student teaching. essentially, i have to observe in a classroom for 80 hours total. beyond observation, i will eventually teach some lessons. this was on my second day of observation. on my first day my coordinating teacher (ct) had me simply observe her class, telling me that she would ease me into the way she does things before letting me teach a few things to her classes. as i was only 5 minutes into my second day, i was still just observing, sitting at her desk. now, this is important. she's having me sit at her official desk while she walks around the room and stands at an informal monitor setup. yippee, i feel important (not really). so while she explains to her class what they will be doing for the day, i just watch and fiddle around a little at her desk. i was absent-mindedly running my hands along the bottom of the drawer of her desk, and just passing the time. i felt something with one of my fingers and pressed it in, without thinking it was anything other than a latch or something for the drawer. oh my fuck, was i wrong. now, the second i felt the thing i touched actually compress, i knew i fucked up. cue the loudest fucking alarm you've ever heard in your life. now this isn't a constant tone, but rather a constant message, stating the following: "emergency. emergency. proceed to emergency lockdown. there is a threat in the building. law enforcement has been alerted and is on the way" i damn near shit my pants, the students all start freaking out, most assuming it was an impromptu drill, and my ct immediately runs to the door, locks it, and shuts the blinds. instantly i try to motion to her that it was me, but she runs back to her computer. as it turns out, a school-wide email was also sent to each teacher, telling them exactly where the alarm was coming from. go figure, my ct saw that it was coming from her own room. she then finally turned to me and saw the look of horror on my face. she then spent the next 5 minutes trying to alert the main office that it was, in fact, a false alarm. in the first few minutes of the 5, a police officer arrived to confirm that it was just some dumbass (me) who had set it off. i spent the rest of the day completely red-faced whenever near any of the faculty and i was appropriately poked fun at by all of them. at least i came away with a story that my university professor says is "one that i doubt will ever be topped". edit: thanks for the gold! it's my first. glad i could share a neat/funny story.

i pressed a button under my desk that i didn't know existed, setting off a school-wide alarm used for active shooters.

accidentally activating the emergency lockdown alarm at my school on my second day as a student teacher

late last february i came down with a small dose of the flu. instead of taking off of work for a few days or seeing a doctor i self medicated. now my boss is known for hating when people are sick and in the past has called other employees doctors to confirm they actually had an appointment. so i didn't want to deal with her crap and decided to take cold medicine and keep working. so i drank some dayquil and when that ran out bought some dayquil pills and took them later on. i wasn't overdosing but i think i forgot when i tool the meds and took too much at one time. so thursday at work i feel all itchy and light headed along with the flu symptoms which was odd but i ignored it and did my job. later at night while watching wheel of fortune i go to the bathroom to take a pee. i sit there for a good 20 minutes and finally a little bit of urine comes out. annoyed i couldn't pee as usual i ignore it and continue my night watching t.v. and such. so 11pm comes and i want to pee before going to bed as usual. so i go to the bathroom and sit there for a good 2 hours trying to go and it never happens, even though i feel i have to go. so i say screw it i'll try in the morning and deal with it then. i wake up at 7am and can't go so i head to patient first. they send me to the hospital and by 2pm i get a catheter inserted! so for the next 3 days i'm stuck with a catheter in me and have to dump my urine bag periodically. all this while i'm having a caffeine withdrawal, a recommendation from the doctors to not drink or eat any caffeine for a week. not good for me as i usually have 2 mtn dew code reds a day as well as other caffeine throughout the day. so i got the catheter taken out monday morning and was peeing back to my normal about a week later. a scary and awful weekend because the cold medicine reacted with my lexapro and caused a blockage in my urine passing. so i will never take cold medicine again!!

took cold medicine, couldn't pee and ended up with a catheter for 3 days.

taking too much cold medicine...

so i put about 1/5 of all my money into tesla, and a tiny amount into ethereum. little did i know that as ethereum started to tank, that it started to eat into my tesla value and i didnt notice. this was the fatal error. it turns out that if one of your contracts drops below 'required margin', it will start to eat into the remaining equity you have, which in my case was tesla. so, ethereum tanked so much it ate into all my equity and lost everything. thank fuck i didnt risk more initially. to add salt into the wound, after all my equity was lost, tesla went up nearly 4% an hour later. god damn cryptocurrency is so so volatile. i knew this but, i thought if it tanked, i just lost the ethereum equity! as conor mcgregor says we win or we learn. boy did i learn today. fuck. lost all my investments due to ignorance regarding contracts for difference aka cfds.

not understanding how cfds work (contracts for difference)

this fu happened almost six months ago... early in the year, a group of friends and i used to play football (soccer) every wednesday night. since it is a contact sport, there were some harsh kicks and tackles present in the game, but nothing capable of a serious damage. nevertheless, during one of those games, something really bad happened... that night, i was playing defense. because i had some trouble seeing at night, our team's goalkeeper (whom i'll be referring as x) told me to be the last man on the defensive line, so that i wouldn't get easily dribbled by the more experienced strikers. everything was going fine: the score was in our favor, and there were just a few minutes remaining before the match ended, but it was just then when the madness began... the best of the other team (lets call him oliver), oliver, made his way towards our goal. x told me to cover his back while he headed off to pressure oliver. i stayed under the post and witnessed how he managed to stop the shot with his chest. however, the ball bounced back towards our goal, and there was another striker headed to its direction. if i didn't do something fast, they would score us. the goalie was very close to me, so the distance between the ball and me was minimal. i ran to kick off the ball with all my strenght, but something unforeseen occurred... somehow, x jumped back and catched the ball just as i released my foot to kick it. i tried to evade him, yet there was nothing i could humanly do to avoid him. a strong "crack" made its way into the ears of all the players. the sensation i felt at that moment is almost beyond description. i literally have no words to accurately explain you how i felt. the place got flooded by a deep silence, which made it even worse for me, since i was somehow responsible for the injury. one of the adults who were present there went out to check x, who never moved after the hit. when x finally showed his face, which he was covering with his arms while in the floor, my worst fear at that instant came true... his arms, hands and sweater turned red due to all the blood that bursted from his now broke nose. his entire nasal pyramid got dyslocated, and the blood leaked without an apparent end. he laughed at it, because it was his first serious injury. however, the feeling of producing that much pain towards a close friend made it impossible for me to find any fun in it at all. afterwards, he was taken to a hospital, where the doctor said that he needed urgent surgery in order to properly fix the nose as fast as possible so that it couldn't get complicated. he had to stop playing any type of sport until a week ago. his nose is internally fixed, but externally, it is bent towards the left side of his face. it would definetly be a night that i would never forget...

a bad calculation ended up in a broken nose and an urgent surgery.

sending a friend to the hospital

tl;dr is at the bottom as it's a decent story. this actually happened last year but got bored tonight and decided to tell it. so i play a lot of hockey, and in the final game of last year's season we got knocked out of the provincial tournament. being the party animals we were, my team and i decided to spend some time in the pool. cut to a few hours later and the pools closing up, me and a friend are goofing off running around whipping each other with towels, i decide to try and take a sharp turn and slip and drive my left knee into the corner of the wall. the right side of my left knee completey sinks into the wall, and the force tears the left side of my knee open, while the top of my knee leaves a hole in the wall. at this point everyone's freaking out, i'm laughing my ass off in the lobby at how bad everyone's freaking out, because my entire left kneecap is there to see. one of my teammates moms, who's a nurse, comes down and wraps my knee up to try and limit the bleeding, and my dad takes me to the er. we wait 4 hours in there before the nurse says that we have to go somewhere else because they're too busy. i lacerated my knee at around 10:30, but never actually got it stitched until 6:00 i went to bed at home somewhere around 9am. also the story of my first all nighter. the cut looks like a winky face ;) [laceration](http://imgur.com/bn4pivw)

ignored the "don't run at the pool" signs, lacerated my knee right to bone.

ignoring the "don't run at the pools" signs.

so, today i fucked up by eating fried chicken too fast. i was eating the breast, and it was pretty good. afterwards, though, it went downhill. after i had eaten, i felt a stabbing pain in my throat. upon attempting to look at it in the mirror, moving my tongue, it hit my uvula and i ended up vomiting my meal into the bathroom sink. well, so much for that, then. what had happened is that a shard of chicken bone went down my throat and stabbed into the lining, constantly stabbing my throat when i swallowed, spoke, or breathed. well, i was in a lot of pain at that point, but i wanted to avoid going to the doctor just now. so, home remedy time! first, i attempted eating some buttered bread, hoping it would catch the shard on the way down. that didn't work. next, i tried putting a bite of banana in my mouth, letting it sit for a minute as my saliva softened it some, and then swallow it whole. the first attempt with the banana went down well enough, but the shard remained. i tried again, and just as luck would have it, it got caught in my throat and started choking me. i coughed it up into the kitchen sink, thankfully. well, at that point i had ejected food into both downstairs sinks and still hadn't removed the shard. i decided i wouldn't try the banana again. next i tried peanut-buttered bread, which worked about as well and the buttered bread did, meaning it did nothing. the last thing i could think of was drinking tepid water. i was getting really sick at that point, so i said "fuck it" and went to the doctor. so, after an hour in the waiting room, then another hour waiting for the doctor, she came in and finally realized how serious this was after looking down my throat. might i mention that it was getting progressively more painful as time passed? a few minutes later, a nurse came in and gave me a little cup of clear liquid. she said it was an anesthetic for my throat, and that i would need to hold it at the back of my throat. she also mentioned that it tasted absolutely awful. after holding it there for about 30 seconds, followed by a few minutes of spitting into the sink (what is it with me and sinks?), i sat back and waited as my mouth and throat went numb. the doctor came back, along with two nurses, told me to lay back, and the procedure began. they stuck some foreceps back there and pulled it out. [that fucker was over a quarter of an inch long.](http://m.imgur.com/upatgpi) it's not all bad, though. [i got a milkshake afterwards.](http://m.imgur.com/mxbfz28) still, my throat hurts. edit: typo

ate too fast, bone shard caught in throat, almost choked to death on a banana, went to doctor, got milkshake.

eating fried chicken too fast (nsfw)

okay so this happened last night, but now that i can see things in a clearer light i can finally put this into words. i smoke cannabis medicinally for a chronic condition (and it helps wonders), but unfortunately where i am it isn't even legal for medical use. being that it is still taboo around here i turn to places like /r/trees to get some tips and tricks because most of my friends quit smoking a while ago. i am of a certain age where asking my friends for basic advice on pot is laughable. i was never a smoker in highschool, so now i feel like i missed something. i've been winging it ever since. so i went to my local porn shop, bought myself a nice little water pipe that bubbles and stuff and i've been having some fun with it but it is a pain to keep this thing clean. i turned to the forums for tips and found two tips that seemed right up my ally. one said to use evoo in your pipe instead of water to keep it clean, and the other was something about a rubbing alcohol and salt bath for your pipe in a ziplock bag that apparently cleans it quite well. this leads us to last night. i was at a friends house and she recently got back into smoking and we decided to smoke at her house before watching a movie. i didn't have my pipe on me, but she had papers and we rolled the shittiest joint either of us had ever seen, but it worked. the taste was remarkably different than the dirty pipe i had been using. i had been debating cleaning it and using evoo like the folks had recommended to keep it clean, but i haven't yet. i actually sort of realized i liked the taste when it didn't taste like dirty water. i decided after the movie i would return home and clean my pipe and see what happens. i got home, tired as hell and still a little bit buzzed from the joint earlier in the night but i was still determined to give my pipe a good cleaning. this is where i fucked up. in my brain i got two key ingredients wrong. i ruthlessly scrubbed my pipe with evoo and salt, got in there with a brush and got as much gunk as i could out of it. then, my dumb ass decided to do both cleaning techniques so i figured instead of water, i would fill it up with rubbing alcohol to keep it clean. i checked my medicine cabinet and all i had in there was isopropyl alcohol 91%, figured good enough. loaded that shit up. i sat in my usual spot, bowl loaded and reservoir full of alcohol. finger over the carb. lighter sparked once. twice. third time lucky. the flame kisses the top of the bowl and the next thing i know - fuck. the bowl had a skinny part between where you pack the weed and where the water sits. that part completely blew out in a ball of fire. all the bud in the bowl goes flying upward, some of it still ablaze. my mouth feels like i just made out with danarys stormborn. my lungs are burning and i am coughing uncontrollably. luckily i don't take big hits so i wasn't breathing in all that heavy, but the power with which the bowl exploded scared the shit out of me. i had to act as fast as i could to make sure none of the flaming bits of bud were going to burn my place down. once i was confident i wasn't going to burn my house down i called my nurse friend and we had a long chat about inhaling alcohol vapor. all said and done, i have a few scratches on my hand and a slightly burned lip and of course i need a new pipe. lpt: dont try to lpt while tired/buzzed. you'll get two key ingredients confused and blow the shit out of your pipe.

was supposed to load my pipe with evoo to prevent a gross taste and clean it with alcohol. accidentally cleaned it with evoo and filled it with alcohol. blew up in my hand.

getting two smoking related "lpt"s confused and blowing up my bowl.

back when i was in elementary school we used to have field day once a year. standard run of the mill field days stuff (kick ball, basketball, sprints, etc). we would go to a station, do whatever the station was for a certain amount of time and then, when the time had expired, the pe coach would blow the whistle signaling everyone to go to the next station. among the stations was shot put. eight year-old u/lordsillywiener was very excited about the shot put. after throwing my shot put, i go to the back of the line and wait for another turn. i finally make my way back up to the front of the line, pick up the shot put and, right as i get ready to throw, coach blows the whistle. i wasn't having any of it and just heave the shot put anyhow. as soon as i throw this shot put with everything i have, i see a girl come crossing from my left side directly in the path of the shot put. everything goes into slow motion. i see the shot put hanging up in the air and she's right in the line of fire. sure enough she runs right into the trajectory of my shot put and it nails her on the side of the head. hit her hard enough her feet came out from under her as if she just took a sack from a linebacker. now she's out cold and i am freaking out. coach runs over to finds this girl laying on the ground with me running around screaming. i had never seen someone get knocked unconscious before so i just figured she was dead. thankfully she starts coming back to life after a minute or two but has no idea where she is or what happened. i got a stern talking to from the coach about following the rules and the school made the executive decision to take shot put off the field day menu from thereafter.

ruined field day by almost killing a girl with a shot put.

hitting a girl in the head with a shot put

as is tradition, it didn’t happen today but i did in fact remember it over a course of a conversation today. for whatever reason my dog had, since the pup age, confused what growling and whining was for. so if he was walking down a street and saw a drunk guy or another male dog or whatever reason he wanted to look intimidating, he would bare his teeth and puff out his chest and make… the most pitiful whining sounds /facepalm.jpg/. on the other hand, if he ever wanted to express affection, like when being petted, he would start growling so low and deep you could hear it in your bones. so dogs are dumb, whatever, right? imagine, a few years ago, i am on a date, things are going great and i invite the guy (“alex” so i don’t have to call him the guy for the rest of the text) to my place. i warn alex in advance i have a dog that looks like [this](http://imgur.com/p6shfhb), but is actually the sweetest good boy ever who will love you five minutes after meeting you. alex tells me honestly he is not a dog person, but as long as the dog is cool with him he’ll be cool right back. so we go to my place, alex gets introduced to my doggo and slobbered on, and then we retreat to my room to have some mutually rewarding fun. by which i mean sex. afterwards, my brain is in a kind of pleasant haze and i am trying to figure out a way to kick alex out so i can have a nap, not really paying attention to my surroundings… until i hear a scream of utter horror, and get elbowed in the ribs by a 200 pound guy flailing in panic. you see, i had forgotten to warn alex about my dog’s little growling issue, which is kind of a big deal when your dog looks like most people’s image of baskerville hound. so this giant doofus had sneaked his way into the dark bedroom, bumped his nose against alex (who was in closer reach), and in hopes of being petted and let on the bed, growled as loud and powerful as he could. i don’t think i have ever seen a full grown man reduced to such panic. it took me 20 minutes to calm him down and he never even called me after that :( i take full responsibility. i don't think a relationship with a non-dog person would have worked anyway

didn't tell my date my dog growls like he is about to tear out your throat when he likes you. gave a young man with a bright future a freaking heart attack.

forgetting to tell my date about my dumb, dumb dog

i was sitting on my bed, checking my phone, and i was shifting to a more comfortable position when i knocked my laptop a bit and it fell off my bed (like a foot, give or take a couple inches). the part where i fucked up is that i had my headphones in the headphone jack and it landed on the jack. the part that plugs in snapped and now some of it is stuck in the jack. these headphone were new, kind of expensive, and a gift. i don't have another pair right now so i'm currently headphone-less. here's the proof. http://imgur.com/uqbquud http://imgur.com/k72lyvy i'm using tweezers to try and get it out but the little piece stuck in there won't come out and i don't have a screw driver to remove the bottom cover of my laptop to get a better grip on it. also using tweezers as a screwdriver does not work, it just ruins the tweezers and strips the screw.

laptop fell on headphone jack with headphones plugged in. plug snapped and is now stuck in laptop.

letting my laptop fall off my bed

so i'm studying away for my physics exam at 7pm. i've just eaten lunch and i'm not really into the full swing of studying yet, so i get distracted and check facebook. hey, i've got a message from a group project. i owe the one guy some money for supplies he bought, and i'm supposed to give it to him before the exam, so i figure he is messaging me a reminder to bring the money. after all, i forgot to give it to him on friday. nope, its a message asking me "hey, seredhras, you still around?" what the fuck, why would i be "still around"? i'm still sitting in my pjs at home because the exam doesn't start for another 6 hours and i'd rather study at home than at school. this is the point where the dread kicks in. i send back a "still?" and go check my exam schedule. i've checked it plenty of times in the last month so there is no way i fucked this up . . . i hope. nope. the exam was at 10am and its over now. i just missed my final exam worth 40% of my grade. ok, maybe i can still pass, i've got like a 90 going into the exam, mathematically that works out. i might have issues getting into courses next year, but at least i got a passing grade. nope. i doublechecked the syllabus and i have to pass the exam to pass the class. fuck me. this fucks everything up because now i stand a very low chance of getting into my desired discipline of engineering. i also probably have to retake the course over the summer and the labs are mandatory, and likely to fuck with my work schedule. to top it off, this is the electrical branch of physics which i don't find interesting at all. oh, and i still have to find a summer job and now i'm going to have to explain my shitty schedule before i get hired.

i got the time wrong for my physics final and now i fail the course unless i can work out some arrangement. this is likely to fuck up my future plans for work and school, all because i'm too bloody stupid to get the time of an exam right.

missing my physics final

these [pens](http://uniball.com.au/images/detailed/1/ub200bl.jpg) have been my favorite for several years now. they are advertised as being permanent and impossible to remove from paper. i usually carry them in my pants or shirt pocket at work, and never had an issue with them leaking. last night, i did two weeks worth of laundry. shirts, pants, all in one load. i was too lazy to check all my pockets when i loaded them in the washer, and threw the clothes in the dryer for an hour. came back this morning to [this](http://imgur.com/a/x3m1l). after the hot tumble, the pens were in pieces, and everything has either spots or streaks of permanent ink. after trying everything to remove the ink, i have come to realize that this ink is also permanent and impossible to remove from cotton clothes. bleach didn't work. spot cleaner didn't work. it ruined all my dress shirts, pants, and even my only college shirt. guess its time for a new wardrobe.

pen exploded in dryer. ink is permanent. ruined my clothes.

forgetting an "anti-check washing" pen in my shirt pocket

specifically, a prince albert which goes through the urethra and out the base of the head of the penis. kinda like a nose ring in your talleywhacker. sorta. i self performed this peircing many many moons ago when i was in high school. i was not normal. i have to say though, it did get me some curiosity loving on two occasions. this was not a large ring as pa's go but pa's tend to be insanely large. mine was an 8ga. the novelty wore off after a few years and i took it out. the hole never grew up. never will. i have an 1/8 in extra hole on the head of my penis. i have to plug the hole to pee or sit down. i sit. mistakes are terrible as i can urinate straight backward. thursday night, i had a tinder "date" and because /r/iamverybadass we ended up at her apartment. (heavy sarcasm. she just needed a lay the same as me.) now, being the romantical type that i certainly am (and having been too drunk and leaving my car at the bar) i didn't immediately dash out on m'lady. i woke at around 3 and proceeded to answer the other call of nature. now, at this point i can make any number of excuses: it was cold, i'm a grower not a shower, fear of toilet lobsters...whatever. fact is my dingaling was more "ding" no "aling" and was shriveled like a stack of dimes. i retire to the nest of our passion and go back to sleep to be awakened by a bump and a shout. i jumped up and ran in and this poor woman is legs up on her back **giggity** in a puddle of my hours old urine. my shriveled winkie didn't have any dangle and i urinated straight out the front of the toilet and had no clue. it gets better. she is injured. this nice lady, who just wanted to get off (one upside is she did :) is now like a turtle on her back in a strange man's urine in her own home. urine that she thinks is water from a leaky toilet. really, would you have corrected her? anyway, i just dropped her back off at home from the hospital. she had only a minor rotator. i know full well though that she will...probably already has...find out what that was. stand by for update.

i peed on a hookup's floor by mistake and she slipped in it and injured herself.

having a pierced penis.

to start of with, it didn't happen today exactly but on the 5th of april. i have been saving up the 50 euro i got as a birthday present until the point where i finally decided exactly what i wanted to buy with it. so on april 5th i had finally decided, i wanted to add a game to my nintendo 3ds that came out recently. so i went to the local gamestop in europe and purchased a 50 euro nintendo eshop code not knowing that these things were region locked. i was happy to have the code and was just waiting for my chance to go home and input the code. the first thing i did as i got home was turn on my 3ds and scratch the card to see the code. i opened eshop, went to "add funds - redeem code" and ended up getting an error message. i retyped it thinking i made a mistake, and double checked it. again i got an error message, so looked up the error code online - contacted nintendo customer support (us) and they told me that the problem was region lock, that because my 3ds is us and has access to the us eshop that i can't use a code bought in europe. (i'm originally from the us and moved to europe not that long ago). they couldn't do anything about it and told me to contact nintendo (eu) customer support, so i did and they tried to be a bit more helpful but didn't have a solution for me either and told me to speak to the us one again as well as the retailer. so once again i contacted us nintendo support, they basically told me that i was out of luck but they couldn't tell me the reason as to why they weren't able to exchange the code themselves and said to speak to the retailer. the next morning i woke up early, got ready and went straight to gamestop. i had the code, the receipt and my nintendo 3ds with me. i told them what had happened, let them know about my experience with the nintendo customer support both us and eu and told them that they told me to speak with the retailer. gamestop told me they couldn't help me out, so i took out my 3ds entered the code in front of them and showed them exactly what happened. they told me that because the code was visible they couldn't give me store credit or anything. even though they could still sell it online if anything. in the end i left the store with no solution and a lot of frustration. i tried asking my friends here in eu if they knew anyone with a nintendo 3ds from the region, they asked around for me but weren't able to find anyone. the people i've met here so far don't play games. so i asked my friends from the us, especially the ones that play mmo's and stuff if they knew anyone that had a nintendo 3ds with eu eshop access, they looked around and even their friends asked around a bit but nothing. they suggested that i post a thread on reddit, which is what got me here. i've messaged nintendo 3ds gaming communities, spoke to an admin of one of the biggest ones i know of and the admin tried to help find someone but still nothing. so basically i have a 50 euro nintendo eshop card that i can't use sitting around laying to waste and i'm out 50 which in this point in time is too much for me to lose like this. - i really wanted to exchange the code for equivalent value but i'm not sure if that's going to happen can only hope. i can't sell the code online myself because i don't have anyway to receive the money so an exchange is what i'm limited to. this whole mess has made me frustrated and feel like a complete idiot. i have always been very careful about region lock and doing my research beforehand but this time i was too excited to play a new game, and rushed in to what ended up being a big pile of mud.

- spent 50 euro on a eshop prepaid code, found out i couldn't use it on my us nintendo 3ds eshop due to region lock. no help from customer support, tried various things, nothing worked. i'm out 50 euro :(.

purchasing a eu nintendo eshop code not knowing it was region locked.

second week of working for a junk pickup company. last job of a 12 hour day is scooping one table. easy. partner and i get there, two-part marble table next to a pool; heavy for sure, but nothing we can't handle. turn the sucker on its side, i'm holding the top, he's yanking the bottom. we're shooting the shit with the customer, i let out a hearty customer service guffaw and then i feel the tug. guffaw shit. instantly our perfect yelp record flashes before my eyes; mary, dan, that smelly old guy with the werewolf-hair lounge chair. i couldn't let this be the end of our newly minted run. so i tugged back with everything i had, determined to keep the streak alive. predictably the table gave zero fucks and i catapulted head-first into the pool. perfect 10

work for a junk pickup company, went to snag a table by a pool, got too involved in customer-service banter, lost control of said table and launched headfirst into the customer's pool.

catapulting into a customer's pool

this was not today, but rather three years ago. i was riding horses for a local rescue, to show them off in different settings. it was an awesome way to get the horses rehomed faster, as people could see how they reacted to different events and stimuli. was getting ready to ride a big boy that i knew full well had gone nuts/thrown other people, but i was not deterred. i had been riding horses for ten plus years at this point, with varying degrees of crazy horses. this horse was no match for my experience. wrong. got one foot in the saddle, and had him bolt, while my foot jammed into the stirrup and got stuck. i went under him, managed to rip my foot out of the stirrup, but not before one hoof hit off my helmet (splitting it, but that thing saved my life) and having another hoof land on the back of my calf as i rolled, and the horse put all of his weight onto that leg. it hurt, but i picked myself as well as my bruised body/ego, finished showing that horse and took away a first place in my age category. the horse was rehomed about two weeks after (prayers to whoever took him). a few days later i was getting spasms in my leg, and tingles. so i hopped on over to the doctors, who informed me that i had some pretty bad nerve damage, and if it was to ever come back, it would take a year or two. anything longer and it was probably not ever going to come back to full feeling. got put on blood clot watch, and told not to cross my legs for a few weeks until bruising healed. it bruised horribly, and i had that bruise for almost a year in some places, with one part still remaining to this day, deemed permanent damage (about the size of a credit card). this was three years ago now, and besides the permanent bruise, i have no feeling below the impact point on my leg, and i have since stopped riding for the most part (both due to the no feeling in one leg, and due to smartening up, because i'm not going to be lucky every time). thought i was a better wrangling horses than i am, ended up with permanent damage to my leg and a shot to my ego. [pictures of the leg damage in the first month](http://m.imgur.com/a/7duid)

trying to be a real cowgirl

so, this happened over the course of a few weeks, all leading up to yesterday evening. i'm going on a trip to mexico in a couple weeks with a few of my friends and i started considering what shots i would have to get about a month ago. i made an appointment at my university clinic a while back and the doctor there told me i would need a shot for hepatitis a, typhoid, and that i'd have to get a screen for hepatitis b to see if i needed that shot too, or if i had the shot in high school and wouldn't need it. after this she tells me i can make an appointment with the nurse to get the shots for hep a and typhoid and i do so, my appointment being for the following week. she also gives me a form to get blood work done, which will determine if i need the shot for b or not. fast forward to the next appointment; i get my shots just fine and go about my day. at some point after this though, my scattered brain self misplaces the form for my blood work. not a huge deal. i call the clinic and tell them the situation and they make me another appointment to get another form. this appointment is on the following monday. great, problem solved. only the day of my appointment there's a snowstorm, the uni is cancelled, and so is my appointment. minor setback, right? i call them the next day and they say that the soonest they can get me in is next monday. normally i wouldn't mind but my trip is getting closer and closer and i want to get the shot (if i need it) as soon as possible. at this point, though, i decide to keep the monday appointment and just go to another clinic to get the form, get blood work done, and figure out if i need the shot before this appointment. if i don't need it i can just cancel the appointment. if i do, i can either get the prescription beforehand and get them to give me the needle or just get the prescription from them. so, i go to a completely different, walk-in clinic, and tell the doctor the situation (though i guess i wasn't clear enough when i said i had already had the shot for hep a). he gives me the necessary form and i go to a blood clinic the following morning (just two days ago). blood work goes by without an issue and i go about my day. then, yesterday evening as i'm relaxing after work my phone rings. i automatically assume (correctly) that it's the results from my blood work and i answer. it's the receptionist from the second clinic (the walk-in) and she's calling to inform me that i tested positive for hepatitis (as i understand it giving out the results of medical tests is something you're not supposed to do, but she didn't seem to know that). regardless, i'm freaking out. she didn't mention which hepatitis i tested positive for so i assume it was b. my knowledge of these things is kind of limited, i don't even know what hepatitis does to us. at this point i'm kinda stuttered and stumbling on the phone as i'm panicking and absolutely terrified of this virus i've somehow tested positive for. she tells me that the doctor who i saw at this clinic is working tonight and wants me to come in at 7:00 pm to discuss my results. she also says that a separate health care organization is going to be in contact with me. so yeah, i'm shit baked. on the way to the clinic for 7:00 my phone rings again, and this time it's the separate organization and they're calling to follow up with my results, that i tested positive for hepatitis a. he's a super friendly guy (i guess you'd have to be making calls like these) and proceeds to ask me some questions. first he mentions that it looks like i had a shot for a about 8 years ago. i don't remember this but hey, medical records are more reliable than my memory. then he asks me the questions: "have you travelled in the past 6 weeks?" and "do you work in the food industry?", the answer to both is no. at this point he says that the shot from 8 years ago likely caused the test to be a false positive but says i should go see my doctor anyway. he gives me his contact information; i thank him and hang up. at this point the possibility of the test being a false positive gives me some relief. and then it dawns on me. i tested positive for hep a. i had a booster shot for hep a ~8 years ago...... and another shot 2-3 weeks ago. it’s not the shot from 8 years ago causing the false positive, it’s the bloody shot i've just had. i call him back and relay my epiphany.... and he starts laughing, stating that that's the reason. now i really am relieved, though i still don't feel completely out of the woods. i get to the clinic and tell the doctor, and his reaction is exactly the same; complete surprise and laughter. i guess he either forgot i had the booster for a recently, or i just didn't tell him clearly enough, so when they saw it in my blood they thought i had the virus. he does tell me that i'll need the shot for b, gives me the prescription, and sends me on my way. at this point i'm giddy with relief. i went from having some virus i know next to nothing about to being fine in about 45 minutes all because i'm unorganized and misplace things and had to go to multiple clinics. anyway, crisis averted, i'm going to (hopefully) get the hep b shot on monday.

got a hepatitis a shot and tried to find out if i need the shot for b for my trip in a few weeks. lost the sheet for blood work, went to a different clinic to get another, and went to yet another clinic to get the blood work. blood work tested positive for hepatitis a because i wasn't clear enough and miscommunicated to the doctor that i had just gotten the shot, so i ended up having hepatitis for a scary, uninformed 45 minutes.

having hepatitis a for 45 minutes

this all happened last night. my daily just-got-home-from-work ritual begins in the throne room catching up on reddit and enjoying a cigarette. the master bathroom is the only place i smoke inside because i can run the vent. after i already lit up, i noticed i had left the ashtray in the kitchen from when i cleaned it. no big deal, i can just ash in the trashcan like i used to before i had an ashtray. after i finished my important paperwork, i went in the other room to play on my computer. about thirty minutes later, i noticed a slight burning smell that seemed to be coming from outside. i went out to investigate, thinking i might've set the outside butt bucket on fire. i have a terrible habit of starting ashtray fires, so this wasn't anything new. after looking around and not seeing any fire or smoke, i went back inside. you guys. there was smoke up around the ceiling. a lot of smoke. i ran around the corner and there was a layer of smoke about four feet deep covering the ceiling in the hall. so i did what any less than sober adult would do. panic. i grabbed the biggest pot i saw and filled it up with water and ran down the hall to my bedroom. when i rounded the corner to the bathroom, holy fuck fire! there was about five feet of flames running up the wall and a pile of burning debris i can only assume used to be a trashcan. i fling the pot of water at the base of the fire...which did absolutely fuckall to put out the fire. i threw a couple towels in the shower to get wet, thinking i could use them to smother the flames. surprisingly, towels take a lot longer to get soaking wet that i would've thought. so while they were taking their sweet ass time getting wet, i was flinging water from the sink at the wall with my little sippy cup. finally, i couldn't wait any longer and threw the decently wet towels over everything and managed to smother the flames. dog and i go outside to breathe real air and i need a cigarette and a beer in the worst way. i was soaked with sweat and shaking from the adrenaline. my heart was *pumping*. i went back into the bathroom to survey the damage, but the room felt warm. i realise i just had a bonfire, but it felt hotter than when i was playing firefighter. i immediately suspect there is fire behind the wall because it feels hot. i start beating my way into the sheet rock with my cast iron pot, but it works about as well as one could expect, which is not very well at all. i run and get a hammer and start beating and ripping the wall apart like a drowning man fighting for air. what do i find? there is no fire. in my initial panic i switched on the heater, not the vent. [this is the aftermath.](https://imgur.com/gallery/v1fpq)

i smoke a cigarette, set my bathroom on fire, and make a hell of a mess in my new house i bought a month ago.

setting my new house on fire.

this took place about a year ago, i felt inspired after the other mushrooms stories. i am very into mycology and mainly work with cultivation and spawn production but i love going hunting. i had recently started identifying porcini mushrooms and after finding a near perfect specimen i decided i would collect several and bring them home to eat. so i get home, proud of my finds, i show my mother who happily decides to add them to this beautiful italian chicken meal shes making. awesome! i'm excited for the meal and head out to get a few errands done. i come back dinner is ready we sit down and right before we start eating my mother remarks "it was so strange one of them turned an almost blue green color when i cut it" immediately i yell wait!!! fuck, boletus edulis shouldn't stain any color. we tossed the dinner and got pizza. i felt like such a dick but i'm so glad she mentioned that prior to us eating, i'm not sure if one mushroom spread between the three of us would have been very detrimental but it wasn't worth the risk. gonna stick to cultivation...

picked a bunch of wild mushrooms found out i fucked up moments before almost ingesting them with my family

picking the wrong mushroom

this happened lastnight. i'm a very light sleeper and typically wear ear plugs during the night. lastnight i woke up at approximately 3am needing to go to the bathroom. i go to the bathroom pee and decide i'm also thirsty so i'm going to head to the kitchen and get a drink. i proceed to the kitchen, open fridge, and get a drink of tea. as i'm getting my drink i think i hear something outside, most likely nothing but i'm a little startled since i can't hear so well with my ear plugs in. i don't think much of it, put the tea back in the fridge and head back to bed. as i'm turning the corner to head into the bedroom i see a figure standing in front of me. being a bit jumpy from hearing the noise and then seeing this figure my reaction was to grab whoever it was by the front of their shirt and punch them as hard as i could in the face. it was like slow motion, as my fist was moving forward in the air a small part of my brain was saying "no, don't, that's your fiance" but it was to late. fist connects with face, she starts crying, i start apologizing and asking why she was getting up in the middle of the night (stupid question) she says "i was thirsty you asshole". she is very angry but went and got her drink, and we went back to bed. i feel really bad, her eyes are both black and blue and she has a presentation this week for her class. she is still rather upset about the whole thing.

tried to protect home from intruder, punched fiance in the face instead.

punching my fiance in the face.

hey people. i'm not very good at posting and stuff, but i'll try my best. this actually happened today, for once. also, this really long for no reason because i have no idea what i'm doing. tl;dr at the end. *to set the scene: year 10 gcse science class. we are doing a "core practical" which means, if we don't do it, we have to repeat it until we do. i'm fairly new to the school (i joined roughly 3 months ago), so i only know a few people.* so for this experiment, we are distilling ink. i'm not sure why, but yeah. and we also are doing some chromotography with the ink. our teacher numbered us so that there were seven groups, blah blah blah. i didn't pay much attention while my teacher was telling us the equiptment, which is my first mistake. i thought this would be easy, we're just heating some stuff and letting it do its thing, right? anyway, i get put with, in my opinion, the best group. the kind of people that like to mess around, but still get the job done. so, after stumbling through the chromotography, we split up to get the equiptment for the distillation. i volunteer to get the cup-thing full of ice cubes and the beaker for the pure water. i wander over in the general direction of where people seem to be going and grab the first beaker that i see. after setting everything up, i put the end tube into the beaker i got. it almost doesn't fit, which should have been a huge red flag. we set the bunsen burner alight, and pretty much forget about it. whoops. a while later, i glance over at our experiment, and notice that it's getting pretty steamy, as it's meant to. i gather the rest of my group, because i think it's almost over. however, as i look into the beaker to see if there's any water, i notice that there is none. this is when i should have acted. because of the build up in pressure, as it was so tight that the steam couldn't escape, the pipe burst out of my way-too-small beaker, sending the flask of boiling hot ink spinning across the classroom. needless to say, we all had to go back at lunch to wipe that down with some ethanol. so now i'm a little less liked by that group.

i chose a too-small beaker which resulted in high pressure. when it popped out, it send boiling ink flying all over the classroom.

my science experiment

i'm doing a program at my highschool where i get to attend college full time and earn both highschool and college credit simultaneously. when i need to fulfil a requirement to graduate highschool, i complete the course in the form of packets that are given to me to complete with information from a book. the us history course i needed to complete was one such course, in the form of 6 books with three packets to each book (18 total packets). these packets are a serious pain in the ass and take hours to complete each one. i rather tediously complete the first one and turn it in. here's the the thing though: my handwriting is very sloppy cursive that only some people can read. the packets are pass/fail and several weeks after turning in the first one, they don't comment on it being illegible and having to redo it, and i'm surprised they could read my handwriting. so the second one i test them by writing even sloppier and not bothering to make it readable to anybody but me and i turn it in. weeks later, no comment and they keep giving me new packets to complete. that's when it occured to me: they *weren't* reading them. they probably looked at the first one to try grading it, discovered its lack of legibility, and decided it wasn't worth the trouble to make me redo it since this is a pass/fail course and i guess they assumed it must be complete because it's completely filled out. so, being a lazy highschooler, i hatch a plan. if they aren't reading them, how do they know whether the answers are correct, or even written in english? the benefit of having cursive that looks like scribbles is i can scribble for real and it looks identical to my handwriting at a glance. over the course of the following year, i fill out all 16 of the rest of the packets in complete gibberish. every week i turn one in, they give me the next one with no complaints. easy a, right? wrong. it just recently came time for them to put my grade in for the course and it turns out that they were saving all of the packets until i was done with all of them, and were gonna grade them all at once. i now have an appointment with my counselor to "discuss the accuracy of my us history work," later today. wish me luck. (all of the previous text was in a post i made yesterday that was removed for not having a significantly bad ending. now that the appointment has occured i'm hoping it won't be removed this time) i met with my counselor yesterday. luckily, she's not making me redo the entire year but she is making me do the second semester's work (3 books, 9 packets total). that might not seem like much, but each packet takes hours to complete and is mostly busywork. oh, and the entire second semester's worth of packets is due early january. edit: i forgot, yesterday some people asked to see my handwriting so here's a sample: https://i.imgtc.com/zeaifl6.jpg the first line says "here is some of my example handwriting" when i try to make it legible the second line says the same thing but sloppy and only for writing notes to myself the third line is gibberish meant to look like my handwriting

: i filled out a year's worth of work for my history class in gibberish thinking they weren't reading it. they were. now i have to redo half a year's worth of them in around a month, and deal with finals at the same time.

faking an entire year of us history

this happened years ago. i remembered about it because i started a fire in the microwave (again) around 10 minutes ago... i needed to feed my cat and we were out of cat food, so i thought "just go out to the store later, find something for her now..." i take a look in the freezer and we have some clams. so i get a styrofoam bowl(my initial fuck up) and i throw on around 4 clams. i put it in, press the six minute button and i walk away. next thing you know, i hear an errrrrrrrrrr. literally louder than a fire truck. i look down the hallway, i see smoke. the whole entire bowl was on fire with the microwave still going. i open the microwave door, plug out the microwave, run the hell outside with it, throw it on the dirt and make sure there's no fire left. there was absolutely no fire. thank god. but one more problem. the damn alarm. it was errrring nonstop. i had no idea how to turn it off. what i was supposed to do is turn a button. instead i went to the breaker box, and shut off the main power. it worked, but i couldn't get it back on... i had no electricity for a day, in the hot ass weather. had to call landlord.

caused a fire in microwave, after taking care of it i turned off the main power switch and i couldn't get it on. no electric for a day.

causing a fire in my microwave and having no power.

(oblig: not "today") when i was in middle school, we were supposed to write a journal about something that we thought would change as the school year progressed. i think what they had in mind was stuff like family life, our bodies, relationships, etc. but there was this squirrel that had just been run over at the end of my street. so i documented the slow decay and dissolution of that squirrel for the rest of the first half of the year, describing it in detail, with sketches, poems, my thoughts on life and death, pressed leaves from the "scene of the crime" and even bits of fur and a teensie little claw i ripped from it. over time, the body just sort of flattened out and dried up, eventually getting shredded into insignificant bits by repeated squashings from passing cars. the end came with the first significant snowfall, when the plows mashed the body up into the tiny ice mountain lining the street. i could never find it again even after the indian summer thaw that melted the snow mounds the next week. in my mind, the dead squirrel was a sort of metaphor for my life. i had just found out that i was adopted. my parents were on the verge of divorce. my body was doing some pretty weird shit. i'd been crushed by that initial revelation, and *everything* was slowly falling apart and disintegrating. it was an art piece. it felt important at the time. so it came time to turn in my project before leaving for the winter break (and a trip to disney which was a blatant thrashing attempt by my parents to make up for the shitty year they'd put me through so far). i sat there while my classmates took their turns at presenting to the class. there was some introspective stuff, but mostly it was about things like how the school lunches had changed or what was going on with some issue in the press. and then it was my turn. i started with my initial photograph of the dead squirrel, on its back, staring wordlessly up into an uncaring sky, and to be frank- more than a little bloated (i'd started the project several days after its demise). that got mixed reviews. sketches of maggots, the fur samples, some of the more "meaningful" (author's pick!) poetry, and a sort of cobbled-together chart of the progression of the body's decay were received with interest. i think some of the kids "got it." others, not so much. nobody barfed, but there were more than a few sincere sounding retches from the audience. stunned silence followed by tentatively uncertain applause. i remember disney being really nice. my parents were getting back together, or at least putting on a unified front for my sake. we did all the rides, ate all the food, watched the parades and fireworks. but there was always a sense of something being a little "off." they occasionally held sidebar conversations just out of my range of hearing, glancing back at me with concerned looks on their faces. the day that everyone came back from break, my parents went with me to school. that was weird, but when you're a kid you just go with things. instead of going to home room, we sat in the little waiting area in the school's front office. and then the receptionist showed us into the office of the school counselor, who had my project prominently displayed on his desk. i spent the next hour explaining that: no, i was not suicidal. no, i was not depressed. yes, i had friends- lots of them! no, i was not upset about my parents' situation. no, there was nobody picking on me at school. no, nothing particular was wrong. no, there was nobody named "gerald" (my picked-at-random name for the dead squirrel). no the squirrel didn't represent anyone in particular. no, i wasn't responsible for the death of the squirrel. no, i had not kept notes on any other dead bodies, squirrel, human, or other species, nor did i have plans to do this on a regular basis in the future. (they never asked me the last couple directly, but you know they were nibbling around the edges of that line of questioning). and no, i didn't think it was weird for a middle school student to document the slow decay and eventual disappearance of a dead squirrel in excruciating detail. you asked for a journal about "something we knew would change." did this not fit the bill? did that squirrel's body not change? i remember my parent's reactions. they were aghast. i found out later that they'd heard about the journal but hadn't actually seen it before the meeting with the counselor. (i played my cards pretty close to my chest as a kid, and they hadn't had a lot of time for me that year anyway). i'm sure seeing your child's notebook with entries like "not many maggots today" in it could take you by surprise. after a very uncomfortable interrogation and a forced promise to "come by and see you if i ever have these feelings again," i was released into the wild. as a kid, you're used to adults wasting your time on useless shit like this, so i don't think it really bothered me at the time. the rest of the school year was a mixed bag. i had become "that weird kid" and received a ton of teasing about it. someone decided i was "squirrel girl" (before the comic made that a *good* thing) or sometimes "dead squirrel girl" which was worse. there was a horrible week where my official nickname was "road kill jill." people thought i was goth for some reason. i wasn't, and didn't get into that scene later either. but somehow i was "that goth girl who did experiments on dead animals." the occasional requirement to "check in" with the school counselor didn't help, since it was obviously some sort of mandatory therapy for my incipient transformation into a serial killer. but on the flip side, there were lots of kids who thought it was cool. and my friends had known that i was "a little weird" for a long time. so like most of us who make a cringeworthy faux pas, i muddled through it long enough for the next kid to become the focus of negative attention. my one regret from all this is that i never insisted on getting my notebook or supporting materials back from the school counselor. it wasn't a bad project, and it did have some pretty decent and insightful stuff. i'd love to be able to look back into the brain of middle-school-me and see what was going on in there. unfortunately, it's probably in a box somewhere in the basement of the fbi's behavioral analysis unit, waiting to match me to one of their unsubs' profiles. i can only hope that they give me a cool name, like "the squirrial killer."

got a school journal assignment. chose to document the decay of a roadkill squirrel in morbid detail. freaked out school, kids, parents. got teased unmercifully. got over it.

keeping a journal about a roadkill squirrel

out of fashion for tifu, this actually just happened today. a little context: we homeschool and my 5th grader uses spelling, math, and handwriting worksheets. the rest of her work is computer-based. since the end of october, we have been printing out spelling, math, and handwriting worksheets for daughter to work on as part of her daily assignments. she is to complete them and return them to me for grading. i have a separate gradebook i keep where i record the kids' scores and keep track of assignments, attendance, etc. i was recently able to catch up with my son's schoolwork and get (most) all of his grades in my gradebook to figure his gpa. i hadn't had the chance to get my daughter's in yet, or to be honest, grade all her spelling work. (we do a pre-test at the beginning of the week and a 'post'-test at the end so we see the improvement.) i've had all this paperwork in my bag that i bring to work with me in the event of downtime (bored of reddit), i can work on the gradebook/scoring her worksheets. this brings us to today. i have about 4-6 weeks worth of worksheets/computer printouts (the computer printouts of schoolwork completed online actually dates back to august) waiting to be entered in and/or graded in my backpack. i also have various other items stored in my backpack like my wallet/purse, an umbrella, pens, little handwritten notes/quotes for myself, bills, etc. getting ready to walk out the door this morning, i grab my 1l bottle of ice mountain water, throw it in my bag with a can of arizona tea, and head out. i stop by 7-11 for some coffee, muffins are on discount with coffee so i grab one of those too, get back to the car, throw the muffin in my bag as well (it was in its own bag, so i wasn't worried about it getting on stuff). i arrive at work, get to my office, set my bag next to my desk as always and get to working on stuff. about an hour later, i notice a water droplet next to my bag, but think little of it. another 30 minutes pass and i remember my muffin. *mmmm, muffin.* so i proceed to adjust my bag to open it when i realize there is a lot more water around it than originally noted. a *lot*. i pick my bag up and wonder why the heck the stupid thing is sitting in a puddle. panic sets in as i quickly open the bag - and see that blasted 1l bottle on it's side **empty**. the folder i had all my daughter's schoolwork in is soaked, along with my notes (which are nothing more than blank sheets of paper thanks to water-based ink), some bills, and other miscellaneous stuff. i just spent the last hour and a half using whatever i could find to separate these papers to dry as much as possible to save my daughter's work. luckily she used pencil for most everything, but i've still lost several assignments where she used a water-based pen, and assignments i had already graded (using my water-based pens) i will have to attempt to regrade if i can salvage them as the grades are nothing more than pretty color smears across the pages. all her hard work washed away because i grabbed that stupid bottle this morning! (note: i looked at the bottle and still cannot figure out how it leaked. the lid was on tightly and there does not appear to be any holes in it, but i plan to test it later when i quit kicking myself.) i have everything all over my office in little piles hoping they dry out to where i can read them, and that no one asks about all these soggy piles.

put a 1l water bottle in my backpack with 1 1/2 months worth of my daughter's schoolwork only to have the bottle leak and ruin all her hard work. not sure how much i can salvage for grades/proof of work.

ruining 1 1/2 months worth of my daughter's school work because i might get thirsty

well, this happened last year and im sure it will "haunt" me for a long time, sadly. so i've been suffering from depression since i started high school. everything was absolute trash for five years straight till i gave up and dropped off in 2015. i don't work or anything so last year i was 24/7 in my room watching *educational* videos and whatnot. one day i decided to look for random peeps in online chats and landed on habbo, and after a couple of minutes wandering and stalking people i came across this girl. we became friends mostly because she had depression too and etc. everything went great; for the first time since ever someone actually cared to talk to me, besides my family of course. one day we where talking and she tells me about a guy that likes her and...my sad/cringe/maniac side activated. instead of "hey good for you" or some word of encouragement , i told her that i liked her and i started to send lyrics and songs (i sent her you're mine from disturbed for example), and obviously she said no, mainly because she's was from mexico and i'm from argentina so she didn't want long-distance relationship. after this i felt...bamboozled? (because i was a cringy piece of crap) and i came with a really good idea: let's told her to fuck off for no reason. i sent her "give your bf a fellatio, he may enjoy it" and proceeded to delete her from everything. next day i get a message from her confused as heck and i just ignored it and never talked to her again. now, aside from my social anxiety, i have to carry the humongous weight of the most cringe inducing thing i have ever did, and i deserve it.

became friends with a girl, told me she liked someone, i became jealous and insulted her for no reason

getting angry to the only friend i've had in a long time

i was teaching a small class of five improv students. after a few exercises i asked each of them in turn to do a monologue in front of me. one of my student's voice sounded a bit funny. i thought he was doing some sort of improvised comedic character. so i laughed to myself out loudly, while he did it and i said to him "i'm sorry, i'm just laughing at the way you talk. go on". he then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment and reported me to the school. it turned out that he had been suffering from depression and social anxiety. he had actually joined the drama school in order to gain more confidence and to help interact with people in public settings. he said that he now actually felt much worse and gave a bad review of the school on social media which several people saw.

today i laughed at the way a student talked, who turned out to have a speech impediment.

laughing at the way an improv student talked

gather 'round children, and hear my brief tale. i was stocking sauces during a lapse in orders, decided refilled a bottle of ketchup, then bent down to put it inside the prep table. it was here that i made my grave error, for about halfway to the floor i had a small tic - not a grand gesture, but just enough to squeeze the now-overflowing bottle and send a steady stream of ketchup deep into my sinuses. paralyzed in shock, i eventually regain my bearings, and am now left with an important choice - am i to do the walk of shame over to the sink and clean myself up, where everyone in the restaurant can debate whether my face was red from embarrassment or processed tomatoes? or should i stay alone in the kitchen, and waste an entire roll of crappy paper towels trying to *wipe* ketchup out of a mustache? well my friends, i believe the answer was obvious, for we were very busy up front and yet i was alone in the back. for what seemed like ages, i fought my own follicles to rid them of my shame, and albeit an eventually successful endeavor, the scene of action was left with the powerful stench of failure for the remainder of my evening. do not weep for me, i am already red.

i have tourette's, bent over to put away a bottle of ketchup, had a tic and squirted sauce up my nose. didn't feel like washing off in the sink where everyone could see, so i used way too many paper towels trying to *wipe* ketchup out of my mustache. my lip tasted like ketchup the whole evening.

having tourette's and squirting ketchup in my nose

i was had four months to get fifteen hours of community service and i only have one. i only tried in the last month but got rejected so many times and now they are due tomorrow. i think i just lost my chance of getting an ib diploma when i graduate but i am sure that i can still take advanced classes so that colleges will see them. i’m very close to having a mental breakdown but at this right now i need to focus on finals so that i can have really high scores and feel better for myself. the only way i can and will feel redeemed is if i get the highest score in my finals. i am transferring schools soon so maybe there will be a way to have another chance in my new school but i doubt it. i literally have no reason as to why i didn’t try those first few months but you know what if people need help that bad they can community serve themselves.

lost my chance to get an ib diploma.

not doing community service

it started with a kitten. i just moved into a new apartment, and i'm still getting everything organized. for the first time in my life, i have a proper pet: a cute-ass little kitten. like any kitten, she's a troublemaker. she climbs on everything and gets into everything, and despite my efforts, she's proving hard to train. but it's okay, since most of her shenanigans are relatively harmless. if she climbs the drapes, i hiss at her and tell her to quit. if she gets on the counter, i put her on the floor. but the trouble is, my (now former) refrigerator has an old wonky door that swings open if you so much as bump it wrong. i came into the kitchen one morning last week to find the fridge sitting open and all my milk and meat spoiled. luckily, the fridge didn't burn out or freeze up. i suspected the kitten of pushing the fridge open, since, for some reason, she loves climbing in there. i wanted to stop her from doing that, obviously. and that's where the fuckup began. i went to the hardware store and bought a simple gate-latch. the kind you screw into fenceposts and the like. some small part of me thought "it's not really standard procedure to drive screws into a refrigerator, is it?" but the know-it-all in me said "all the screws will either be in the side of the door or the edge of the main body. there's nothing in there but styrofoam. it'll be fine." i felt all professional and adult as i marked the spots for the screws and drilled the pilot holes. i was careful and meticulous (although i managed to snap a drill bit in the process). everything seemed to be all right. so i drove the first screw into the door to hold one part of the latch. then i drove the first screw into the refrigerator box to hold the counterpart. i hit some resistance before i got the screw all the way in. the screw was a little crooked, so i backed it out to drive it in again. at that moment, a jet of icy refrigerant blasted into my face. after my initial "did i really just fucking do that?" moment, i put the cat upstairs to keep her out of the gas and opened the windows to stop myself suffocating. luckily, these days, i think most refrigerators use r134a instead of toxic shit like freon. but i still rendered a perfectly good refrigerator absolutely unusable and unrepairable. a refrigerator i had just filled with a week's groceries. thirty minutes later, i found myself back at the hardware store in a rotten mood, staring in dismay at the pricetags on the new refrigerators. luckily, i live alone, so there was nothing stopping me buying the "cheap" $500 model. but there was a catch: the hardware store had just done its black friday sale, so they had no fridges in stock, and all their delivery drivers were booked. for the next six days. so, in order to maintain a minimal stock of perishables, i had to buy a $130 mini-fridge. but i thought "hey! the mini-fridge will at least let me save some of the perishables in my now-broken fridge." the funny thing about refrigerators is that, if you tip them on their side, you have to let them sit for a while before you run them, so the refrigerant can settle. in my case, i had to let my mini-fridge sit for twenty. four. hours. so i spent $40 on groceries, bringing the bill for my fuck-up to roundabout $700. and today came the cherry on the shit-sundae: i looked up "refrigerator latches" on the internet and immediately found those stick-on childproofing straps you can use to hold latches and cabinets shut to keep kids from opening your refrigerators. you can get a 6-pack of those for about $10. and if my first instinct had been "what's the cheapest solution to this problem?", i would've spent the $10 instead of the $700, and i wouldn't have junked a perfectly good refrigerator and some perfectly good groceries.

i destroyed my refrigerator and flooded my downstairs with refrigerant vapor because i thought i was smarter than i was and assumed i knew how refrigerators were built. the lessons here? 1) never modify or mess with a refrigerator. they're a pain to replace if you screw them up. 2) look for the cheapest, lowest-impact solution you can find first. no need to screw a gate latch to your fridge when they already make cheap plastic straps purpose-built for the job.

destroying my refrigerator

so this happened about 5 minutes ago, and my parents are still pretty pissed. backstory: just started a new job as a night security guard at a local hospital. i came home close to midnight and cooked some food. after eating i noticed the dishwasher had the little green light on so i was like alright i'll help my mom out and unload it. being midnight i figured this would be super loud, so i tried to do this as quiet as possible. so i stacked 8-9 plates to slide into the overhead cabinet at once. this is where i fucked up. i underestimated how heavy it was, and my hands were still a little wet from rinsing off my previous dish that my right hand slipped, as i held the plates at eye level, (i am 6'3 btw). the heavy load of plates came crashing down, smashing into bits, creating a massive ka-bang, that echoed through my house. i immediately hear my dad yell, what in the fuck?! and my parents come running down. the crash was so loud i can't even describe it, the closest thing i can imagine is 50 firecrackers going off at once at my feet. my dad was furious asking me what happened, my mom instantly noticed that the drop broke all of our plates, and created a monster dent in our hardwood. she was so mad, but i couldn't help laugh as she was yelling at me, eyes half closed, and hair all fucked up. my dad and i cleaned up the mess and he went on with the classic " you remember what i told you when you think you have a good idea, ya don't!" i can still here my mom talking to my dad in the next room about the floor, and how that even happens. well i'm never doing the dishes again.

tried to do my parents a favor and do the dishes after my night shift. trying to be quiet i stacked the plates instead of putting them away 1 @ a time. i dropped the stack breaking them all, putting a monster dent in the hardwood floor, and waking up both my parents.

doing the dishes

so i normally volunteer in this time of the year at santa's workshop in my local mall by dressing up as santa and doing all the "what do you want for xmas?" stuff, and today a group of children all of the ages between 1-3 came in with their parents. all of them were super excited and really believed all the stuff the volunteers told them, which really made my heart melt. we did all of the typical what do you want for xmas routine and they were on their way. now this is were the fuck up comes. that family was the last one to come in before my shift ended, and i was really tired and wanted to go to wing stop in front of the workshop to drink a couple beers with my other buddy who worked there. problem is, i didn't have anywhere to change outfits, so i ask my friend if i can use the restroom to change. i went in, changed outfit and came out, no big deal. except the family that i had just seen at the workshop had decided they wanted to go to wing stop too, and to make matters worse they decided to sit right in front of the restroom entrance, so when i come out carrying the backpack with the santa suit, the children are just sitting there in disbelief realizing it was all a sham, and that there was no santa. two of them start crying while their parents try to convince them that santa was real but the damage was done. all of this made me feel like a huge piece of shit, and it's still nagging me hours later.

had to change from santa suit to normal outfit, but children realized i was the same guy and had their childhood crushed.

making a group children realize santa wasn't real

i got off work today and when i got home i smoked because i wanted to enjoy my chick-fil-a dinner- a little treat for myself after a long day. everything is normal. i live in a house that is 3 stories tall, so i run downstairs thinking i'll bike to chick-fil-a. after this, a couple things happened in quick succession: 1)i see my mom downstairs, she offers to drive me 2)tunnel-vision 3) i agree to ride, walk out the door, pass out 4) get up too quickly after, pass out again 5)mom starts crying, wants to look at my eyes for signs of concussion i end up sitting on the couch with a bag of ice chilling a huge bump on my head and a several cuts on my feet arguing with my mom whether or not i was okay and being force-fed lollipops. was still high for a while after , did not get my ideal dinner. i still want the chick-fil-a

wanted chick fil a, body decided it was time to lay down on the sidewalk and scared my mom quite a bit

passing out in front of my mom while high

i was around 6 or so at the time. my mom being a single mother decided instead of finding a babysitter for me she would just take me with her to a bachelorette party for her friends wedding. everyone was told to wear a light lavender color because that was the color of the wedding and whatnot. at the door everyone received a little gift box that had things like $20 off your next pedicure, and other various knickknacks that women enjoy. i was upset that i didn’t get a gift, so my six year old self pouted. i sat around bored as everyone was having girl talk. after about an hour of being bored little me decides to steal a gift bag from my moms hands because she obviously wasn’t playing with what was inside. so i waited for my mom to turn around then i pounced. as i climbed up my moms legs i reached for the gift bag. i managed to catch her off guard and as i made my escape i heard a rip. i heard a scream and then i was smacked over. i ran to hide in the kitchen and bumped into my mom. i turned around to see the bridesmaid coming at me angrily. i had accidentally ripped her dress for the next days wedding due to the fact that everyone was wearing the same color.

everyone was wearing the same color of dress so in an attempt to rid myself of boredom i tackled my mother which turned out to be the bridesmaid and ruined her dress the day before a wedding.

tackling a bridesmaids dress ripping her dress

so, this actually happened today, but i will start off with the details that lead to this fu. on monday morning, i was on my way to work. i take the public transport system of my city, which involves a subway and 2 bus rides. all in all, about 90 minutes worth of travel time (14 miles too, do the math :p). since i had left early, the crowds of people i'm used to were nowhere in sight. as i walked on the platform, my subway arrived to the station. i spotted a cart that had lots of empty seats, so i decided to just, get on that one. so i ran. i went from 0 to full tilt sprint. for those of you in sports, i know. for those of you not in sports, here is why that is not good for you: warm up! your body is, pretty much, a biological machine. you can't be standing and suddenly break into a full tilt sprint, you will hurt yourself. your muscles are not ready for that kind of load, and that is when the worst injuries can happen. predictably, i got injured. i pulled a hamstring on my right leg, and i had no choice but to limp to the nearest open door, and just, tough it out. i went to work regardless, since at the time i figured it was just the mother of all cramps. tuesday morning comes, and i cannot even muster the strength to sit up, since the pain was just unbearable. off to the doctor's office i go. according to my doctor i have a herniated hamstring, and need to stay off my leg for at least a week. thankfully, it is not too terrible of an injury, so lots of rest, lots of hot/cold patches, and lots of rubbing ointments and the like. fast forward to 20 minutes ago. i am feeling great, i can move, i can walk. figured i'd go take a shower for a very welcome change of pace. got my business taken care off, and the steaming hot water felt great on my sore muscles. here comes the part where i start applying my ointment, and i wipe the excess once i'm done on my towel. i felt a bit of a wet spot 'round the unmentionables, so i just, ran my towel by the area and called it good. then, i was in agony. so here i am, sitting at my desk as if i was ready to deliver a 10lb baby, with a fan gently blowing a cool cool breeze in between my legs.

busted hamstring, was applying hot'n'cold ointment, accidentally used the same towel i cleaned my hands with to dry the 'nads.

accidentally applying hot'n'cold ointment to my family jewels.

i’m not a very interesting person, nor do i lead a very interesting life. i’m just a person who wanted to make frozen pizza because there was nothing left in his house. this just happened a couple hours ago, so here’s my story. i just got home from school, and all i had eaten up to that moment was one fruit snack (breakfast), a couple of carrots (because our school food is shitty and the only thing they can’t mess up is vegetables), and some water. i open every single cupboard, search every little nook and cranny for hidden sweets, yet i can’t find anything, and to top it all off, it’s too cold to go to the gas station. until i open the freezer. there, in all it’s glory next to an empty box of eggos, is a supreme pizza. i almost faint with excitement, grab the pizza, and shove it into the oven. about 14 minutes later i hear my oven alarm scream at me, and i run into my kitchen. one of my friends taught me a way to save dishes. instead of putting the pizza on a rack or plate to cool it down, just put it on the little circle of cardboard that it came wrapped up in. i didn’t know if this was a normal thing that everybody did, but i thought it was genius. so i grab the piece of cardboard and the pizza cutter, right? and so i position the cardboard under the rack so i could slide the pizza onto it and put it on top of the oven. unfortunately, i only got halfway there before i fuck up big time. for some reason, the cardboard decides to fold in and slide the pizza all the way to the bottom of the oven. i’m thinking it can’t be that bad, so i take a rubber spatula and a regular spatula and position them under the pizza to lift it up. unfortunately, there’s not a lot of space under it , so i accidentally burn a line straight through the pizza from the rack above it. great, well now there’s no cheese or anything covering a fourth of my pizza. the spatulas aren’t going to work, so i just grab some tongs. all i have to do is grab the crust and pull the pizza back to safety. well, fuck, that didn’t work, because it just crumbled the crust and most of it fell off! great. now most of my pizza is ruined. so i throw out the tongs and decide to just use my fingers. i didn’t really know what i was doing, so as soon as i tried to pull it out with my bare hands, i accidentally touch the same rack that fucked up my cheese and scald my knuckles. i’m not really even thinking anymore, and i’m hungry as hell. i have nothing left to lose because now i screwed up most of my pizza and there’s no other option. i’m just gonna scoot my hands under the pizza and pull it out as quick as possible. lucky for me, i pull it out! it’s okay, so i scoot it under the cardboard again (this time using both hands), and cut it up to eat. i take a bite and spit it out, wondering why it doesn’t even taste decent. i look under the pizza and it’s just completely black. i guess for some reason the pizza picked up most of the shit that was on the oven floor, so now i just burnt my hand and wasted dishes for nothing. i’m still starving, so i have no choice but to go walk another half mile to my closest gas station. that was 3 hours ago. i barely had any money so all i got were some chips and a candy bar. i’ve been rationing out every little bit of dorito and every little chunk of snickers to survive since.

i tried to make pizza, but fucked it up, and in the i just wasted dishes and spent all of my remaining money on shitty chips.

trying to make a frozen pizza

first time making a text post here, forgive my formatting if there is any. not exactly reddit savvy either. this happened today. tl;dr at bottom a bit of information before we get to the weird bit, my bearded dragon is still a juvenile, and is extremely tiny. he really doesn't like to be held often, so when i do take him out, i usually have him out for longer periods of time than most reptile owners do. this is because i can clean him, feed him, clean his cage, do all my bearded dragon chores at once, etc, while letting him sit on my shoulder, that kind of thing. you can imagine that with a lot of time on my hands and a lot of time out of his cage, my bearded dragon has seen some weird stuff go on around my house. speaking of my house, this will be important later, it's like 9000 degrees 24/7 because there are no windows or ways for heat to escape easily, and it's a small room where the story takes place, so it gets extremely hot. so today, like any other day, i decided i would take leonard(my little beardie), out of his cage, and sit down in my chair with him on my shoulder. i booted up some doom, leonard did his thing basking on my arms, and things were going great for the both of us. this went on for about 30 minutes or so, then i got really really hot. this is why i needed to say it gets really hot. my house is pretty secluded and i'm sure many of you readers out there will understand, i took off my pants and underwear, because i was freakin hot. now, this is the interesting bit. i went to scratch my neck, having momentarily forgotten that my bearded dragon was sitting on my shoulder. i bumped him with my wrist, and being the little rascal he is, he attempted to evade my hand, probably thinking it was time to go back to his cage. evasion isn't his strong suit though, and he backed up and off of my shoulder, sliding down my chest towards my lower stomach. rule #1 of handling bearded dragons: if they're escaping from you, don't make sudden movements and try to grab them, especially not by the tail. i desperately attempted to grab him, initially shocked by the fact that he had fallen, afraid that he would try to run away or fall off my chair. in the process of trying to grab him, i spooked him again, making him go further down my body. he had his front legs fully extended, making hissing noises. i instantly feared for my genitals, and tried to move my hips slowly and calmly without scaring him again with my hands. i wanted to try to roll my body over and let him slide off my body, but instead pinched his tail in between my leg and lower abdomen in the process. needless to say, leonard bit my testicle and caused me to jump upright out of my chair with some of the weirdest painful signals i've ever felt, watching as leonard scurried away under my computer desk. at the end of the day, i had to apply some terry strips for the wound i had sustainned, and spend an extra 10-15 minutes trying to find my bearded dragon by coaxing him out from under my desk with applesauce.

scared my bearded dragon, had him slide down my chest while not wearing pants, squished his tail and scared him again, causing him to bite my testicle and make me jump up in pain, causing me to have to get terry strips on my genitals.

scaring my bearded dragon and letting him bite my genitals- potentially nsfw

disclaimer: this didn't happen today, but last night. i was being a good son and helping my parents put up x-mas lights on their back porch and front porch. i finished on the back, and looking up to the sky i noticed the sun was low on the horizon and night-time was quickly approaching. it was at this point that i should have thrown in the towel for the day, but i didn't want to have to go back at it the next day (today). this is the the fuck-up. i had to replace a bunch of lights on a string that were left up all year on the front porch. why my parents left the string of x-mas lights up without taking them down last season is a mystery. so i grab the large extendable ladder from the shed and also a couple boxes of red and white replacement bulbs along with light clips from the basement. i'm all set now and begin the process of shimmying the extended ladder laterally along the eavestroughs and replacing the burnt-out lights while replacing the clips holding them in place too. night comes and it's pitch dark save for the light emitted by the lights (i have them plugged in so i can see which ones need replacing). i'm almost done after about 30 minutes, and now have to do the last bit of lights which move back towards the house on the side of the porch. i have to place the extended ladder against the bay window on the side of the porch because there isn't enough space on the actual porch roof. i place the legs of the ladder in the mulch of the garden and everything seems great. unbeknownst to me there was a steamy pile of dog bum biscuits lurking on the mulch. i replace all the shitty bulbs and then call my old man to help me lower the ladder and take it back to the shed. we get it to the shed and as soon as the motion sensing light in the shed lit-up, i realized that there was shit on the rungs on the ladder. i look at my hands which were just carrying the ladder and they too are caked with a creamy yet gritty shit. i had to smell just to make sure, and judging by the forcefullness of my gag reflex, i knew immediately that my suspicions were confirmed. because the shit was on the rungs, and i don't walk on my hands, i knew that i had shit on my shoes as well. i look down and again - suspicions confirmed. my souls were plastered with rich pasty bum pudding. i'm now pissed off and realize that due to the mild conditions of the day, the snow had melted around the porch and had seeped through my shoes (which have holes on the bottom for breathability) and the shit-water had been smushing between my toes like creamy sand and i had thought all of this time it was just water. so in my rage i realize that it's definitely dog shit, and even have a pretty good idea of the lazy scumbag who didn't pick it up off of my parents mulch. i wash my shit caked hands off in the snow, take off my shit plastered shoes, remove my shit drenched socks and then after washing my hands and looking in the mirror, realize i have shit patches all over my jeans from leaning on the ladder.

should have gone in for the night, decided to continue replacing x-mas lights, got shit on shoes, transferred it to rungs of ladder, moved ladder and got shit on hands, shoes filled with shitty slop, got inside and realized that it was all over jeans as well.

getting dog shit all over myself

so this is my first semester of college and i am taking a chem 1 class that has a tutoring class, and then a lecture. the tutoring class is where the ta goes over questions and answers them for you and then the lecture is the actual professor teaching you (reading the slides) now. i'm probably the worst at chemistry.. the worst, i hate chemistry with a passion but i have to take this class. i am really bad at anything chemistry and haven't taken chemistry since 9th grade with a first year teacher (learned nothing). knowing almost nothing and struggling with the slides and all the homework barely passing i would go day to day to my professors office asking him questions about basic chemistry. he usually answers it with a sigh and quick explanation wanting me to leave but i still ask either way. but one day last week was different.. i came in as usual and waited him to come to his office. as he comes and opens his door he tells me "doesn't your ta go over these questions with you?"... i explain that they do but they don't really wanna teach me the whole process as it should be basic to me already. he then says "well have your ta go over this with you, i'm too busy at the moment". at this point i'm fed up, i close my laptop and look straight at him and say "with all do respect professor (won't be named) i don't pay the ta to teach me, i pay you." and walk away... (some of you may know where i got this quote from) the next time class begins he looks at me with constant death stares and glances... he no longer will give me long depth explanations when i ask questions and i have failed my past 2 homework assignments. (forgot to mention that my friend and i had almost similar answers and i got a horrible grade while he aced it) this leads me to believe that he's in revenge mode or something.. idk.. i just fucked up by telling him off and wish i could just find someone else to help me. anyways, that's my story, my shitty start to college. **edit**: sorry if i don't know how to reddit, fairly semi kinda new

i suck at chemistry. come in to everyone of my professors office hours for help. he tells me i should be asking my ta these questions so i tell him "i don't pay the ta to teach me, i pay you to teach me". later on i get death stares and bad grades from the class and regretting my outlash.

demanding my professor to teach me

let me start this by saying i live in a wild and wonderful state in the bible belt. i work for a company of about 50-100 people. out of all of those people, i am the only one even remotely liberal, but most would consider me to be centrist. guys at work think i'm pretty much karl marx though. today i come into work, and almost immediately people are egging me on about the nfl kneeling controversy. i am avoiding talking about it at all costs. after a few hours of this i finally give in. instead of stating my opinion, i posed a question, "what if they were kneeling because the government was taxing churches?" immediately the whole warehouse erupted in noise made by only five guys shouting. things like: "religion is a protected right." "religion is giving eternal salvation and saving others from damnation" "nothing is more important than religion" so on and so on... they went on shouting about how police brutality isn't a real problem. how it's just one cop here, and one cop there, and even if it is a problem, it's not one they care about. so after all this is said and done, i go on with my day. i left the area without even finishing the conversation because it was less than civil. all seemed okay until the end of the day i got a notice from the office about having a meeting about my "workplace conduct" tomorrow. talked politics at work, despite not wanting to, and some special snowflakes told on me because i hurt their feelings.

discussing politics at work

this did happen today. there might be another thread on reddit from another perspective. i'm on vacation in another country. i rented a car and manual transmission is very common. that's what i got. i can drive manual, in most situations. i booked and got a good rate with insurance. at the counter they asked if i wanted to upgrade my insurance to cover the deductible. i never do these things, but i felt that i should say yes. so for $100 i'm (hopefully) not on the hook for a penny. things went well yesterday. i'm driving a stick like i've been doing it all my life. i chose to go to a historic city. i drive there fine. fuck up part 1 about to begin. gps seems to go a little crazy. i'm on a curvy winding road that is narrow. i want to get back on main road. i see a road going that direction. i see no signs about danger so i turn onto other road. there's a fucking pole at the end! i can't get on main road. pedestrians are around me. i see a little road to the left, but i have to reverse to get to it. i can't reverse well on a hill in a stick. i get stuck. finally, i go down tiny road and wind up in a gravel park. school kids all around laughing at me. teacher is cursing me out. i go back up bad roads and finally get on main street. decide to continue on journey. fuck up 2 coming. i drive up hills, lots of hills. car stalls on me several times. finally get to steep hill and it dies. i cannot get moving. traffic stopped in both directions. i wave at someone and we communicate in 2 different languages that i just want him to turn my car around. he agrees and even he has problems with this car. i say fuck it and head back to where i am staying, history be damned. when i get "home" i see i scratched the paint on both sides of the car. i feel like shit because i hurt the car, had a bunch of kids making fun of me, and my pride took a big hit. i'm hoping that the insurance does cover everything and i do not owe a cent. i drove a stick shift down a wrong street, got stuck in a park, got laughed at by children and cussed at by a teacher, and later blocked two lanes of traffic on a hilly road. i scratched my car, but insurance should cover it. my pride hurts more than anything.

driving in a foreign country.

now before you get the pitch forks all up and ready, i need to point out that like many posts on this beautiful sub reddit, this happened a couple weeks ago and i'm still super sad face about it. so about a couple of months ago, i thought it would be a fantastic idea to try and liquid cool my $2,000 pc. i bought some tubes, bought some nice green water, graphics card water block, cpu block and waited for them to be delivered. now i have never water cooled anything in a custom loop so this was going to be a learning experience for me. couple days later everything arrives. i assemble everything, bend tubes and put them together. "awesome" i thought. that was super simple. that was my first mistake, thinking it was easy. i fill up the computer with water and notice there are bubbles in the water. now in order to bend the pipes you need to put a bit of soap in the pipes to insert the silicon rod so it doesn't get stuck when bending the pipe... i guess i forgot to rinse out some of the soap. i didn't worry too much about it and the bubbles slowly went away over time. i turn on the computer and am amazed with how low the temperatures are. "sweet!" i go on and play my games without worrying about overheating. fast forward 6 months to a couple of weeks ago. my pump stopped spinning, leading my computer to instantly jump to 95 celsius. i take apart everything, drain my system and figure out what is going on. turns out the soap collected and clogged the hole for the pump. i cleaned it up, filled my computer back up and turned it on. i put my headphones on and listen to some youtube... that's when my life got flipped-turned upside down. i felt water on my foot... at first i thought it was my dog drooling on me but it was a lot of water. i take off my headphones and hear water just gushing out of the graphics card fitting and spilling onto my power strip, wall, and all over my motherboard. i felt like an olympic sprinter, i probably could of out run usain bolt himself in that moment. i don't think i have gotten out of my chair that fast before. i lunge under my desk and unplug the power strip from the wall turning off all the electronics connected to the strip including my computer, while doing so i managed to bump my computer. mistake number 2, though i'll realize this mistake later. in a panic effort i try to salvage all that i can. luckily the water was distilled water so it didn't immediately damage any of the computer parts (isn't science cool?). i dry my now green carpet and wall, blow out any of the water in the power strip and motherboard, and turn my computer back on. mistake number 3. my computer turns on but is running a bit slower. "it's fine, just the water... this is fine... it will fix soon..." i go and launch titanfall 2 (best game please think about getting it), play for a bit and then exit the game to do something. i come back and the game is uninstalled. "weird i thought..." i go to reinstall it and the origin client freezes and my computer just hangs there. "alright, unplug and plug back in... that usually fixes things" i do that and turn the computer back on and go out to the kitchen and fill my mouth with whipped cream straight from the can (i'm a monster, leave me alone ;~;) i come back to hear the worst sound you could ever hear. the hard drive clicking. the computer refuses to turn on and when it does it instantly blue screens. i turn the computer off and try again hoping i'm able to get my data but no use. i lost all my animation stuff, models, save data, documents, everything... was at least 2,000 gigabytes worth of stuff. what sucks is there were no backups, no nothing. the latest backup i have was from 2013 and well... that stuff was just cringy to look back on. i'm a spherical dumb ass, because no matter how you look at this, i'm a dumb ass... edit: because people will probably ask. case: thermaltake core p5 cpu: i7-4790k @4.40 ghz gpu: 2 r9 390xs motherboard: msi z87-g45 ram: 32 gb corsair vengence ddr3 memory @ 2400 mhz psu: evga supernova 1000w psu monitor: 3 asus ve278q storage: 1 samsung evo ssd (forgot the numbers), 2 kingston v300 in raid 0, 120 gb sandisk m.2 ssd, 500gb samsung laptop hard drive, 3tb seagate external drive converted for internal (rip) edit 2: my gpu does have an issue where when i move a video from my left monitor to the center, it blue screens. for whatever reason if i have the middle monitor (which is connected to the gpu that was just drenched in green water) display anything with rapid changing colors such as a video or a game, my computer just instantly blue screens, so i can't game on the center monitor. rip. edit 3: yo what the heck!? i got gold?! thank you so much kind person! <3 if i could hug you i would. you took my gold cherry <3 i can't believe my first gold was a post about me being an idiot with water.

i tried to be a cool guy and water cool my computer. ended up turning my carpet green and loosing about 2 terabytes worth of stuff. don't be like me...

trying to liquid cool my computer and losing 2tb worth of data

so as is the norm here. this story didn't take place today, in fact, it happened well over 9 years when i was just a 9 year old babysitting my 3 siblings. so i was at my grandparents house babysitting my siblings as my parents along with my uncles and aunts went off to do some shopping. my grandpa was snoring off in the room next to ours and my dear grandma left the suing kit unguarded. and obviously, one of my younger sisters (only 2 at the time) grabbed a bunch of needles and started terrifying my other sister and brother. now being the eldest kid has some major drawbacks. battling a bunch off needles off of your 2 year old sister without making her cry is one of them. i just put all 3 of them in front of the tv after i somehow got the needles back. now i just needed to hide the needles somewhere and voilà! what better place to hide them than an electric socket! yeeep... i thrusted the needles deep into the socket hole, what followed was probably the best breakdance session of my life. and i burned 4 out of 5 of my fingers, nothing serious though. i did have to explain the doctor the whole thing as he bandaged my fingers. edit: am indian, am not american edit 2: *suing kit=sewing kit, i meant a sewing kit

i put a bunch of needles in an electric socket as an attempt to hide them from my siblings.

unknowingly attempting suicide as a kid

in my infinite wisdom, i decided to ignore the horror stories about comcast a month ago and signed up for internet service through them since they advertised the fastest speeds in my area at the best pricing. little did i realize that, like a deal with the devil, you don't pay for the service with cash... things started off well. set up service, had a seamless transition from the old account holder (my roommate) to me, no interruptions or re-activation required and it was done in 5 minutes over the phone. service, while not as fast as advertised, was reasonable considering it was the evening when there would be heavy traffic on the network. i was told i would be billed at the end of the first month of service and to check my email for the bill then (this is important). a week later the service was turned off for no apparent reason. checking my account, i found i was no longer signed up for internet service and my roommate found they were billing him for $30 more a month than i signed up for and charging him activation/late fees. this was sorted out over the phone easily enough, and they said they put a note in the account to prevent it. the same thing happened two days later. we sorted it out on the phone. then it happened again, 4 more days later, and 2 days after that, and 3 days after that. service was disconnected and billed to my roommate a total of 5 times in a little over two weeks before i went into an office in person to sort things out. in the office in person the representative noticed something wrong with the account, fixed it, and put some kind of lock on the account (they said) to prevent it from happening again. fast forward ~2 weeks, when the first month of service is completed. i open my comcast email and find that they have billed me for not one month of service, but two months with a late fee for the first month! my service started on the 23rd, but they backdated the first bill to the 18th and billed me for the second month just recently on the 18th again. i was livid. i printed out the bill and my spreadsheet of internet speed tests (showing an average speed of less than half what i paid for at low traffic hours of the day), and marched on down to the local xfinity office to sort things out. i was surprised to find there was no wait, but in retrospect it seemed like a tactic to lure you into a false sense of security. after a long conversation about the bill, it was determined i was erroneously told i would be billed at the end of the month when really you're billed at the beginning. fair enough, and they removed the late fee. bringing up the speeds is where the problems began. i asked if i could have anything in writing indicating which plan i was paying for (advertised speed) and how much i was paying for it. i was told they do not give anything in writing as a matter of policy. i then asked if they could run diagnostics to figure out what was slowing speeds down, which was met with the answer of, "no, because you don't use our modem". fair enough, i suppose. i ended up taking their modem to my apartment to test their modem and see if that was the problem, like they insisted it was. as i walk into my apartment, my roommate tells me that the internet isn't working. comcast disconnected my internet agian. after i left the building they unhooked my service apparently, and upon checking my account it gets better. they disconnected my internet service, but they're still billing me for it and they added a tv package to my internet service, increasing the bill further. because apparently the way to satisfy an unhappy customer is to bill them even more for stuff they never approved. didn't believe the bad stuff about comcast and signed up for their internet. in return, i have been disconnected from service 6 times in the last month and a half, dealt with phone support for a cumulative total of 12+ hours, and been automatically signed up for a tv package i didn't want. all that and i still don't have internet, so i'm posting this from a mcdonald's to avoid using my phone's data plan.

dealing with comcast

obligatory disclaimer - this happened a few years ago. i was building a part for a portable equipment rack at work and using my home wood shop to do it. it was a pretty simple little device, two 2x4 pieces of wood about 24 inches long glued together with a couple bolts as stops. ingenious me wanted to cleanup the dried glue that i had applied the night before before i went in to work at 6am. so i'm out in the garage, where my shop was, wearing shorts and my flip flops, as the concrete floor was cold. this becomes important momentarily. i got my 1" wide wood chisel out and took the cap protecting the razor sharp edge off to use it the clean off the glue. pretty normal activity, except i set it down on the workbench near the edge. it rolled slightly on the round handle and fell off, going edge first through the side of my foot near my toe. i was bleeding profusely at 6am, and trying to wrap anything on this to control the bleeding. i run though the house (carpeted) and wake my then wife to take me to urgent care. after waiting a couple hours for urgent care to open, i get 7 stitches in my foot and a house that looked like a murder scene....

wore flip flops while working in wood shop, slashed open foot with dropped chisel, 7 stitches and murder scene for a house....

wearing flip flops in my wood shop

today at work my co worker comes inside yelling there's a massive bug out in the wash. sure enough there is a massive water bug/beetle thing. i'm not kidding. it was 3 inches long and it was walking along the floor. we are both girls and are both scared. she just wanted support i think. it was a dead day, no one was around so we had to deal with it. i take the wash wand in my hand and think "i'll just blow it into bits with this. worked for the spider and the moth". nope. it blew it over and it angrily got up and started walking faster. i switch to soap to poison it (non toxic but maybe it would hurt it. nope. so we use the wand and push it outside the garage door. i go back in my office and continue doing paper work. i hear the door open and see her running on the camera. the bug was super pissed off and then it flew at her face and was making this clicking sound. then. out of no where like 10 of these freaking things emerge from the darkness clicking at the lights in there so we start screaming. we awoken some spirit by pissing off it's friend. now the outside of the store has a huge amount of these nasty bugs and the car wash has a few. no clue what to do so we just left it. moral of the story. don't piss off nasty bugs. they come with buddies.

sprayed bug with wash wand. it lived and brought back a swarm of friends.

spraying a bug with the wash wand

happened yesterday. i was in school having fun, and i felt like making fun of hitler. so, as i was bored while eating lunch, i decided to draw a quick sketch of adolf hitler. i drew him as good as i could in a matter of 5 minutes, and i put swatstikas all over him. because i drew it quick, it was pretty sloppy. now i have to think of something. bingo. i'll put tits on him and make him look gay, then call him gaydolf titler. i drew tits on him, and then tried to make him look gay. i made his smile look as gay as possible. then i put lines in his hair for maximum gay. then for the hell of it i drew people saluting in the background, a concentration camp, money coming out of his belly button, all while holding a shekele. i then drew jewish stars on tents, and i fucked one up. i'm bad at drawing symbols. this is where the fuck up begins, lunch is over, i put it in my backpack. i forgot about it for days. well it turned out i slipped it into my report, and i was scanning gaydolf titler into a report accidentally. alls good, all papers are scanned and i put them into a usb. it was report day. i had to show a slideshow of my report to the whole class. all going normal, until i show gaydolf titler. i then explained what i thought was the slide was. "here is the total conclusion to my report." people laughed. i was confused, teacher was angry. i look, gaydolf. i was expelled from school after that. here's a picture: https://imgur.com/a/u4y2x edit: yes that is a luger against his head

drew gaydolf titler, shown it in a slideshow on accident

drawing adolf hitler at school

so as a backstory this happened yesterday night. my s/o had a babysitting job in a really fancy neighborhood. it was supposed to be from 7-9 but it ended up running until 11 o'clock. i decided being the great boyfriend i am to run and get her food as she said she was hungry. fast forward after waiting 15 minutes for mcdonalds to make 10 nuggets. i arrived at a house that could only be compared to a small castle. so they had a long driveway but i decided it would be smart to park on the side of the road outside their long driveway. i then proceeded to run all the way to the door drop off the food. i then thought it would be a good idea to see how fast i could run to my car. so there i am sprinting to my car on the side of the road with my car and headlights still on as i notice lights coming down the road. i hop in my car and u-turn and drive back to my s/o house 3 minutes away of which i realized i was being followed by a cop who i was questioned by when getting out of my car. another cop then showed up at my s/o babysitting house wondering if she was ok and if the robber was armed. she answered the door with nuggets in her mouth trying to explain that it was just me bringing her food. the cops informed her that they took my tags and that there was break ins in 4 houses in the neighborhood the past two nights. needless to say the cops showed up at the house the next day and she was not allowed to babysit at that house anymore. edit: thank you all for siding with my s/o however, she found another family to babysit who was a lot more clear with rules and even laughed at our situation haha.

i brought food to my s/o while babysitting and accidentally got the cops thinking i was a lead suspect in 4 back to back robberies

making myself look suspicious

so i just recently started a job at a game store in canada. the work and stuff is pretty great but i haven't been there for too long so i'm not entirely up to date with where everything is located in the store/store systems. as i go to the bathroom in the back to take a post break dumb i find that the lights are off for the first time since i've worked there. looking around for the switch i find a small square panel with a button under it. thinking of it as a lightswitch i press it once only to find nothing happen i continue looking for the switch only to finally find it tucked under a plastic shelf. after doing my business i get back onto the floor with my coworker. after about 5 minutes two police officers with weapons readied come into the store to put our hands up. turns out the square panel with the button i pressed was a panic button for if the store was getting robbed. after us telling them it's a false alarm they cleared the building and asked for our id's. when writing down our information and asking us questions some 20 year old fuck nut came into the store, looked at the officer with his rifle, looked at us and said in the most obnoxious voice conceivebly possible "uuuh is this a bad time?" in which i wanted to slap him/tell the officer that he was in fact the robber and to arrest him. this was followed by frantic calls from my manager asking what the hell happened. the cherry on top of the shit cake was the fact that the security of the mall where the store is located cuts the phone line so the police couldn't call to see if we were in fact being robbed before they sent the police in.

was looking for a lightswitch, found panic button. police came. shenanigans.

not bejng able to find my work bathroom's lightswitch

this happened 6 months ago. first a description of myself: i am 6.4 "tall and 330 pounds, i am a male nurse and i live happily watching sports instead of practicing them. at the beginning of the year my girlfriend ended me and in her farewell speech made me realize that she was bothered by my obesity, this happens at the same time that my friends start to obsess over the gym. then i say to myself: fuck it, i'll change my physique. i got my gym membership and looked for a routine on the internet, for this, with my large size and height all my life people have seen me as the strong man of the group, asking me to move this or lift the other, it is for this reason that to see the rest of the people raise enough weight i am mentally forced to raise equal amounts, especially to impress the girls i know. big mistake, one of the worst mistakes of my life. the first few days were all good, i arrived tired home, but it was nothing special. at the end of the week, death caressed me, so to speak. i began to feel a sharp pain in my right leg, i did not give much attention, until the pain increased. that night i decided to get drunk to placate the pain. at dawn i woke up, i knew something was wrong, when i wanted to get out of bed i did not feel my leg, as if i had been amputated, i analyzed it and had some big black lines in the back. i called for emergencies and was hospitalized, suffered thrombosis in 4 veins of my right leg because of the excessive effort of the gym, the doctor tells me that i have a high risk of a clot to travel to the brain and die, so i must keep 4 to 6 months, without walking, or even being able to sit. thanks god i survived, and i will never be so stupid again.

i almost die for lifting more weight than i should have in the gym, spent 6 months crippled.

almost die for going to the gym

hey, guys. i just made my reddit account so super reddit noob here. anyway, this happened yesterday at around 12:00am. i get really hyperactive if i'm up late at night. i started feeling wired and it's just all weird. but, now to the story. so a few months ago, my cousin gave me his old ihome he used as a clock/radio, but it also has a 32-pin dock for older apple products (mainly ipod touch 1-4 and i think older iphones). so, when i got myself a 4th gen touch, and since he didn't want his ihome anymore, he gave it to me. i was pretty happy. he said that the dock might've been messed up or something. but, the only thing wrong with it was it didn't charge like i was supposed to. but, i didn't care. i loved it. but, more recently, i couldn't fall asleep, so i thought i could mess around with it; take the dock apart and see if it shorted out or something because earlier in the day, it completely started to mess up. so, i unscrewed some screws, put them to the side, and scavenged around, taking the glory of the motherboard in (i'm a tech person). unfortunately, the last screw got away from me and fell into the ihome. so, i rattled it around, trying desperately to get it out, and it eventually came out. i was both stunned and happy that it came out (was still scared that it would've gotten stuck). unfortunately (again), while the screw was rattling around, it *must've* hit the ac input, causing the entire ihome to short out! i was so mad, i didn't even know what to do with myself. i was stunned, sad, mad, and just overall unhappy. so, i tried to screw everything back up but i was so mad, i couldn't even steady myself to screw them in. so, i said f it and just put it away in my closet, never to be used again.

being the curious tech savvy 14 year old that i am, i messed around with my ihome, shorting it out, and having a overall crappy night

being curious about my ihome at 12:00am

i saw queens of the stone age a couple weeks ago and it woke up the guitar player in me after 10 years of slumber. i still had an amp from back in the day and my brother-in-law loaned me an old electric to work on while i save up for a new one. but of course i'm insecure and live in an apartment so i wanted to find a way to keep my learning private and also keep the volume down for the new downstairs neighbor. i plug in the headphone jack from the amp into the line-in in my sound card for my beautiful barely a year old top of the line pc i built last year. so last night my wife is watching shameless while i have audacity picking up the guitar and recording while i test levels. then i turn up the overdrive on the amp and after a few strums i start hearing the guitar come through the tv followed by the sound fading out for 2 seconds before returning. now i had set the "listen to line-in" function to "off" so this shouldn't be happening. i thought maybe i was hearing just the strumming from the actual guitar and that it might have just been a quiet point in a monologue on the show. so being the mad scientist that i am, i try to see if i can reproduce the results. keep in mind it hadn't crossed my mind yet that this may be overloading the sound card. two more strums later and the sound goes out for good. realtek starts freaking out and detecting a plug-in and un-plug of the speakers over and over. all i hear is a high pitch hum coming out of the speakers. i reinstall the drivers and it sort of works but the output volume has to be low and i have to turn up the volume from the receiver - with is 30 years old and doesn't have a remote and is on the other side of the room. and also it sometimes doesn't work. sometimes i just hear a ticking over and over. just once has it faded away and allowed regular sound to break through. i guess it's time to buy a new sound card. new guitar fund is now at -$200. edit: i am blown away and super appreciative of the response on this. everyone has been super helpful and supportive and that's awesome. i learned a lot, most importantly, replacing the sound card won't be nearly as expensive and possibly be better than the original, leaving more money for more hardware and software to assist the end goal. thanks everyone!

plugged amp into line-in, apparently turned up to 11, and now i'm shopping for a new sound card and am already behind on saving up for a new guitar.

blowing my sound card

**welcome to the common fuck-ups megathread.** you [suggested it](https://redd.it/4ifanz), and [we listened](https://redd.it/4ir8p4).   you may be wondering what a "common fuck-up" is. normally they are topics that are non-noteworthy or unoriginal, the minor things we fuck up. you can view them in our [[wiki]](/r/tifu/wiki/commonfuckups). while we are being lax on this rule within this thread, we want to remind everyone that every other rule still applies, which can be found on our sidebar or [[wiki/rules]](/r/tifu/w/rules) page. *we will be having 2 megathreads a week:* 1. monday-friday for normal common fuck-ups 2. friday-sunday for nfsw (rule 4) common fuck-ups --- wiki pages: / [*detailed rules page*](/r/tifu/wiki/rules) / [*sidebar link*](/r/tifu/about/sidebar) / [*list of common fuck-ups*](/r/tifu/wiki/commonfuckups) / [*flair/nfsw filters*](/r/tifu/wiki/flairs) / [*rules(report reasons)*](/r/tifu/about/rules) / [*fuotw archive*](/r/tifu/wiki/index) / [*other subs*](/r/tifu/wiki/subs) /

common fuck-ups megathread - september 25, 2017

this happened 2 years ago, my family and i were going back to our home country for a vacation after 8 years and after all that happened, we decided to take a trip to visit my mom's place on the opposite side of the country by plane a week before we had to go back home having already visited my dad's place. the airport is 3 hours away by car and it was 2 am in the morning. we make it to the terminal and go up to our airline's booth. an employee asks us where our passports are at and my blood turned cold. i personally thought that citizens of our country did not require a passport when travelling domestically, or at least that was the way it was many years ago. the employee, who wasn't having any of this nonsense, said that we can re-book the flight at a fee and just come back at a different time. having paid a lot for the car trip there and having to pay the re-booking fee, this was an unforgettable fuck up, all because i thought my home country was welcoming to its citizens. and we never got to visit my mom's place (my mom wanted to visit her dad's grave.) well as a family we may only have been penalized for humiliation, but we were also penalized money for my mindset, never again will i forget such an important document, heck, i can't even remember as to why i decided to leave it in my dad's place.

i left my family's passport back at my dad's place (which is 3 hours away by car) before a flight because i thought policies on citizens weren't strict on travel.

forgetting to bring my family's passports to the airport before our flight home because i thought a policy still existed.

so this did not happen today, but back when i was about 6. it was the summer holidays and i was at my uncle's house. one day my cousin jokes about someone having their tongue stuck in the freezer, not having listened to another word he said in that joke i instantly thought of doing it myself. remember, i was only 6. then a couple days go by and in the afternoon when everyone is taking a nap, except for my other cousin, i head to the refrigerator. the freezers back then needed manual defrosting and it always had some ice stuck around. i opened the freezer and without thinking twice touched it with my tongue. now, the other cousin was watching this wide eyed, with horror on his face but i couldn't see much because i couldn't move my face. i began to cry and everyone woke up. most of them were laughing. they weren't sure what to do so i ended up pulling myself away from the freezer and bled a little. i'm 23 now and i still have a scar on my tongue that doesn't let me forget.

heard cousin joking about sticking tongue in the freezer and did it myself. still have a scar and a super embarrassing memory.

sticking my tongue in the freezer

just happened about an hour ago and i'm currently at the er waiting for the x-ray tech to come grab me. also please forgive grammar, having a rough time using my phone but thought this would be a good outlet to help with the bad anxiety while i wait. anyway i f'ed up bad ... a simple fall trying to field a ball in the outfield . had a little fall and heard a click in my shoulder. stupid cause i thought it would be great fun and i don't even play ball... the part that has me worried is that i own and operate a small pool service. without the use of my arm i could lose everything . also doesn't help i have no insurance... not sure what to say or do from here besides pray edit for not being long enough hopefully this works edit after reposting: ok so i've been typing this for way to long but i guess the deal is that my right shoulder is dislocated... i'm waiting for an iv and i suppose they're gonna knock me out the the michael jackson drug and then put it back in. just sitting here waiting... trying not to panic. please think positive things for me ok latest edit, i'm alive!!!! thank god! hopefully the post goes they this time. the meds have made me a bit woozy so sorry for trying this so many times also i'm posting this finally about 3.5 hours from when injury happened

- played softball, blew my shoulder out. went to er with no health insurance. drugged me up an popped it back in. i'm gonna be ok but i'm sure this bill is gonna blow my mind

playing softball

this is really a story of two fuck ups, the first from a few months ago: #1 (a few months ago): i am about to pull out of my garage when i realize i don't have my sunglasses. i hop out and run to grab them from the shelf near the ... when i hear a crunch. the car was in neutral, i left the driver's door open, and now the door is pointing an a direction no car door should ever point. the door shuts fine, but doesn't seal right, and driving on the freeway sounds like the windows are all down. #2 (today): i'm getting gas, there is a discount for a car wash, and my car is super dirty. the instant the wash starts, i am literally getting soap sprayed in my face. i scramble and find some dirty gym socks to try to block the spray, but the socks are socked within seconds. an epic battle ensues between water and cheap, sweaty cotton. the water wins. edit: sorry about the formatting, but now it belongs with the post, and i am not changing it.

forgot car door doesn't have a good seal, got sprayed in the face by an automatic car wash. for better or worse, spray was filtered by sweaty gym socks.

taking my damaged car through an automatic carwash

this happened 12+ years ago. its still one of my favorite stories. i worked in it consulting company at the time. maybe they needed you for a single issue (printer doesn't work, computer won't start) or general help for long periods of time. i got assigned to this client that was a drub rehab organization for 6 months and this was my second day there. let me preface this that my wife worked at a mental hospital. everyday she would come home with a story of how her patients had some different foul odor. so that was foremost in my mind. i get a call from the methadone clinic that their printer doesn't work. it was in the office of this very nicely dressed woman. the printer was an old hp laser printer that was really heavy and it was on top of one of those 4 drawer filing cabinets. the only way to get to the printer was by standing on one of the fabric chairs she had for her clients to sit in. i'm working on it and i'm twisting and turning trying to maneuver the printer around. all of a sudden i get a whiff of dog shit. thinking back to my wifes stories i assume that a previous guy in the methadone clinic smelled of dog shit and was in the room right before me. so i'm twisting and turning this big ass printer and the dog shit smell gets stronger. i find that odd as i would think the smell would dissipate as time went on. eventually the dog shit smell is overwhelming. i look at the lady and she is pretty and nicely dressed, so i know she doesn't smell like dog shit. then i get paranoid that she smells it and think somehow i smell like dog shit. i look down and the fabric chair is smeared in dog shit. i get down and look down the hallway and see shit shoe prints the whole way in. someone let their dog shit on the sidewalk and i unknowingly stepped in it and tracked it in. i get down and tell the lady "uhhhhh someone didn't clean up after their dog and i tracked dog poo in here and rubbed it in to your chair." she calls maintenance and says "how do you get dog poo out of a chair?" then says "no you heard me right how do you get dog poo out of a chair?" in 45 seconds the maintenance guy comes in and see the horror i made of his building. i'm completely embarrassed that on the 2nd day of a 6 month contract i'm now known as "dog shit guy". i run back to my desk in shame and write my supervisor the whole tale. i go back to my companies office and as i walk in my supervisor see's me and doubles over laughing. he grabs my hand takes me to a closed door meeting with the owners of the company. they see me and all laugh. he shared my email with the whole company. i didn't get in trouble thankfully.

i stepped in dog poo, rubbed in in to a fabric chair and spent 6 months helping these people.

not checking my shoe

so i woke up yesterday morning and was much hungrier than usual. i was feeling lazy, so rather than make something a bit more elaborate, i decided i would just have some mini ravioli. the electric can opener didn't feel like working, so i had to use a manual one. now, as some of you may know, certain chef boyardee cans have an easy open can, i didn't have that kind. and for whatever reason, this one can was sealed up like fort knox, so i was having a hell of a time opening it. it was so hard to turn the handle and the teeth (for lack of a better word) of the can opener kept slipping out of place. after a while, i finally managed to cut open about 85% the lid, but i didn't want to have to struggle with the can opener again. so i figured i'd just pull the lid the rest of the way off. bad idea... i started prying open the lid, and it was sort of working at first, but then my thumb lost it's grip on the lid because there was sauce there. i tried to put my thumb back under the lid, but miscalculated and ended up slicing it open on the exposed jagged part of the lid. i didn't realize i had cut myself until a few minutes later after i finally got the damn can open and was about to start pouring the ravioli. i noticed a red droplet in the bowl and realized that it wasn't sauce. so i washed the cut and put a bandage on my cut, and then i ate the ravioli.

picked a fight with a can of chef boyardee and lost.

i wanted some chef boyardee.

well, today i found out that i fucked up but the act itself was a few weeks ago: my bil lives over in the us & every christmas we send him a box of cadbury's chocolate to remind him of home. so from mid november the parcel was sitting in our kitchen waiting to be addressed, then early december rolls around and i think "if we don't act soon this will get caught up in the holiday post and not get there before 2017" taking the initiative i found my wife's address book, looked up the surname, jotted it down, mailed it off. so since christmas my wife has been checking in on him asking has he received it and he hasn't, so tonight we got to the bottom of it: his new address is in her phone, the address i sent it to is his ex-wife (who he's going through a messy divorce with, and who has an eating disorder!)

i accidentally sent a box of chocolate to my ex-sister in law who has an eating disorder.

sending a care package of chocolate to my brother-in-law on behalf of my wife.

this was two weeks ago, before christmas/holiday break (which lasted two weeks). i'm a senior in highschool, and i should've know better. anyway, my 2nd hour class was going to have a christmas party, where people bring in food and drinks. during the time i was on a strict diet and decided to bring in a fruit tray for my own benefit instead of eating the typical breakfast food. this fruit tray had your regular fruit in it, strawberries, cantaloupe, grapes, and apples. in the middle of the fruit was that sweet yogurt dipping sauce for your fruit. this was hardly  touched by anybody, including me, so it was decently filled by the time class ended. and when class ended, i just took the fruit tray and laid it in my locker to get after school. well needless to say, i forgot the fruit tray in my locker. i came to this realization once i got home. i figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal, i didn't want to go back to school and get it either. fast forward two weeks and along comes the almighty fuck up. when i opened my locker early in the morning, i was welcomed by a sworm of flies escaping my locker followed by a disgusting smell of moldy and decomposed fruit and yogurt. the fruit tray was completley empty of fruit, and what remained was a thick brown green slime nestled in one of the corners. the entire tray was filled with maggots devouring the abomination of shit i left over break. but that's not the worst part, all of my books and folders were covered in the smell. my entire locker reeked, not to mention the school was 80 degrees that day, which only intensified the shit smell. the yogurt even managed to leak out of the tray and onto the bottom of my locker. forming the most disgusting stain i have ever seen. it was brown, and smelled horribly. the slime that was at the bottom of my locker managed to climb up into my 2nd hour supplies (ironic right) and had actually got into the shakespeare book, hamlet. the book began decomposing, each page filled with fruit juice and the disgusting fruit/yogurt slime. the pages had begun browning, a repeated pattern of the wet pages filled the book with the slime shit in every single page this was the worst part. the book had become a nest of the dried up slime. the book was royally ruined. unable to be repaired due to the slime that had gotten into it. i do not have the vocabulary to describe just how revolting this picture was. the entire bottom of the book was brown, the book actually had pieces falling off from it. my folder and notebook also had the slime shit, and they smelled the worse. one of my friend witnessed this happen, and almost threw up due to how horrid my locker was. it wasn't until the end of school that i got it clean. i had to get on my hands and knees with a brush and mr. clean cleaning spray to get rid of the sick slime shit. i then sprayed the shit out if my locker with air freshener. i had to completley clean everything i had in that locker, the smell is still present; however, the stains and slime shit is gone. the only remain is a strain of the dried slime shit on my locker, running from the lock to the floor. my locker has been ruined....all due to a fucking fruit tray and yogurt.

left fruit tray in locker for 2 weeks, became farm for maggots and flies. my shakespeare book, hamlet was decomposing and was filled with moldy yogurt slime. disgusting as fuck

having an infestation of maggots and killing shakespeare

so my sweet girl loves her woodzees dolls (they are the budget version of calico critters.) they come in little family sets of 4 for a bunch of different animals. she asked for and got some from her cousins for her birthday a year ago and my youngest niece then wanted some of her own for her birthday and we reciprocated. fast forward to christmas eve, which we spend at my sil house. my daughter is basically a tiny bag lady. anytime we go anywhere she stuffs her little back pack full of toys to share and play with. she does this on christmas eve and spends the evening hanging out with her cousins in their play room, then packs up her back pack and comes home to wait for santa. day after christmas i'm cleaning out my car and the back pack is on the floor, open, toys everywhere as usual. i see this one little black and white woodzee dog and i don't recognize it, like, at all. i think maybe she took if from her cousin? in fairness to me, my son did have an issue with stealing at that age as many kids do, so it was not a completely unreasonable thought. when i ask her about it, she says is hers. i ask when she got it and she says she got it for her birthday. i know she did not get any this year but i assume they were maybe from last year and drop it. until today, when i came across it in her room again, remembered the doll and my niece, and absolutely convinced myself that they were the ones i bought my niece, and my sweet girl must have taken them home on christmas eve. i'm gonna parent the f outta this i tell myself. i'm going to handle this like a pro and i am going to raise a well adjusted young person if it kills me god dammit! it's after lunch and she's tired. she's been home sick all week and still not feeling great but on the mend so obviously a perfect time to confront her. i ask her where it came from, she says it's hers. i'm like 50% certain she has taken it from her cousin since i remember seeing her cousin with it at some point, so i push. i tell her that sometimes we make mistakes and that is ok, but we have to admit it when we do, and try to do the right thing. she starts crying and this only serves to convince me of her guilt so i push harder. i ask if maybe she saw that her cousin had woodzees she didn't have and she wanted them so she took them by mistake. she tearfully tells me they were a gift. i push, i tell her i would have seen it if it was a gift, that it's not ok to lie, that it is important to tell mommy the truth because that is what we do in this family. i tell her i'm going to call auntie to check it out so if auntie is going to tell me something different she should probably tell me first. she's sobbing and she doesn't want me to call auntie so my conviction grows deeper. i'm trying really hard not to f-up this parenting moment. in my mind this moment has the potential to set the stage for a life time of crime and lying. i'm desperate to get her to tell me the "truth" while reinforcing that i am a parent that will love her no matter what and can be trusted to come to in moments of crisis. she climbs into my lap for hugs, she is shaking with tears. i tell her i love her no matter what and if she made a mistake she should tell me and i will help her make it right. and she says it! she says to me that maybe they got into her bag by mistake. i ask if maybe she took them because her cousin had them and she wanted them, and she agrees with me. confirmation. i tell her it's not ok to take other people's things, that we don't do that in our family, that if there is something she wants she should talk to us about it, that she's not always going to get what she wants but it's important that we talk about these things. she is crying and hugging me. i'm saying to myself, this is good, you are being a good parent right now, you are going to get it right with this kid. i'm grandious, absolutely delusional about what a good job i'm am doing handling this issue. this is a defining moment, a core memory. she is going to grow up believing my mother is tough but fair. i tell her she did the right thing to tell me the truth and that we need to apologize to her cousin and return it. she agrees. she calms down a little bit. i ask her to lay down and rest for a while as she is clearly exhausted and she agrees. i'm relieved, proud, satisfied! i call my sil, i tell her the whole story, she says,"that's it? i thought somebody was hurt, no, those are not ours, we don't have any black and white dogs but i think we gave them to her last year? i'm pretty sure they are not ours, but i'll double check when the girls get home." my heart sinks. i thank her and go into my daughter's room and lay down with her. i apologize profusely. she starts crying again. i tell her i made a mistake and i feel really bad about it and i ask her to forgive me. she tells me i should apologize for making her cry twice and i do, and i hug her and start crying myself. she says she forgives me and she loves me no matter what. i ask her why she told me she did it if she didn't. she says i was pushing her and i wouldn't stop and she started to think maybe she did take it. :( i feel rotten. i feel worse than rotten. this little girl has saved me in so many ways. there are days that i am sure this little person is the only one in the whole world that really loves me. she is so incredibly resilient, and she seemed to feel better fairly quickly. she is back to singing and playing without a care in the world right now so maybe not a complete f-up. all i can think is that i'm going to screw this kid up, she deserves better than this. today it's fine, my apology was sufficient, but how many passes do i get? how many times before these terrible moments add up and i've left her emotionally scarred, damaged? i have history with this btw and should probably get my ass back to therapy. my mother used to accuse me of wrong doing all the time, to the point that i figured i may as well start doing the things i was accused of and enjoy myself since i was going to get in trouble anyway. today i did the exact same thing to my kid.

i accidentally planted a false memory in my sobbing child's mind and coerced her to confess to a crime that never really happened because i forgot about a toy she got as a gift.

coercing a false confession out of my 4 year old

so i was playing on a cs:go surf server around 7 pm. my parents were out on dinner. so i seized my opportunity of an empty house to go mess around on mic. so one of the players started jokingly making moaning sounds into his microphone. half of the server joined in and 5 minutes in i was doing it as well. the whole point was to anger the admins. i guess it worked, because soon enough he restarted the server. so i just joined a new one. i kept doing this for a while and i got a good laugh out of it. it was 8:30 already and i hadn't noticed the time. my parents came home and i was still messing around. i didn't hear them enter, but they could hear me. later i heard them talking in the kitchen, and thought they just entered and didn't hear me. oh, but they did. and that was what they were talking about. the very next morning my dad called me to his room. i didn't think much of it at the time. but then he said "son, i am disappointed in you." i was wondering why he would be. he then told me that he heard me last night. my mind was racing with thoughts. he then told me that it's not alright to be homosexual, because he's christian. i didn't know how to explain it to him. if i told him i was messing around he wouldn't understand. he then just excused me from his room and didn't talk any further.

jokingly made sexual noises online and parents mistook it for me being gay

trolling online

i work as a loader at your local happy helping ace hardware. i am strong so i over lift when loading people. i was putting about 200lbs of rock salt into someones truck and i leaned wrong with the extra weight and crushed my phone. screen is black and warped. fml.

breaking my phone at work.

til that super glue reacts with cotton to generate enough heat to cause small burns.

using super glue to secure a piece of yarn to a christmas ornament.

so about a week a half ago i found out that all the times i had dropped my phone without a case on that didn't result in any visible damage were due to ungodly luck. i say that because the last time it fell it finally landed straight on the screen and completely shattered it. this wasn't a big deal to me however, because the phone still worked and i figured i could order a replacement and swap it easily. nope. when i skimmed amazon i searched for "iphone 5 screen replacement kit"(tm) even though i have a 5c. as it turns out, the connectors to the logic board are different between the 5 and 5c, and in trying to replace the screen i not only broke the original, but also lost some of the screws. now i'm left hoping i can just maybe science the shit out of the connectors and somehow connect the originals to my replacement screen. i suppose i'm not getting a job as an icrack phone technician.

shattered then destroyed my phone screen and ordered a slightly different one to replace it

fucking up my phone screen while having the wrong replacement

background - i just started working in environmental, health & safety at a small liberal arts college in september and one of the tasks our office handles is inspecting and maintaining a fuck ton of fire extinguishers throughout campus. today, while rushing through inspections and annoyed at my coworker for being annoying, i grabbed an extinguisher out of a bracket and, without first checking that the zip tie and safety pin were in place (they weren't), turned it upside down, looked directly at the hose and the weight of the extinguisher being upside down closed the trigger. sprayed the thing point-blank, directly onto my face, up my nose, into my mouth and in my eyes. coworker called it in to public safety over the radio and reported it as that i "shot myself in the face (long pause)...with a fire extinguisher", so for a few seconds everyone in my department thought i had been shot, by a gun, in the face. i was taken over to the health center to get checked out, but unfortunately they couldn't prescribe anything for the severe embarrassment and desire to crawl into a hole and die. hurry up, friday!

spraying myself in the face with a fire extinguisher.

(obligatory this didn't just happen...more like 19 years ago) any who, in the far back time, way before the today time, i was talking on aol (america on line for those in need of translation) to a very nice young lady. we enjoyed talking, but since i lived a few thousand miles and an ocean away, we hadn't really figured out the whole face-to-face thing. we'd traded sfw pics and 'talked' daily. one evening, i mentioned that a song was always on the radio when we were chatting and it reminded me of her. she said, "oh really? what song is it?" i replied, without giving it a second thought, "slide, by the goo goo dolls." she says, "cool...i'll listen to it later and tell you what i think." we say good night and i head to work for my mid-shift. get home from work the next morning, sleep, and then wake up in the afternoon. logged in to aol to hear the famous, "you've got mail!" she sent me an email...no text in the body, just one word in the subject line. "yes." after a quick search for "goo goo dolls slide lyrics for the love of all that is holy do it quickly" i realized what i had done. ever try to backpeddle by typing? doesn't work real well. i wish nothing but happiness for her, and please learn from my mistake.

unintentionally proposing to a girl i've never met

so this happened to my friend not me, i just fixed it. my friend managed to corrupted every boot file on his windows 7 os. it was so bad we couldn't ever do a factory reset. i would try and 12 prompts would pop up saying individual parts are corrupted. the kicker is this all happened cause he was trying to update to windows 10. the update kept stalling so he checked the windows forums and it said to turn off the pc mid update two times.

corrupted every windows file

traditionally this tifu happened about a little less than a month ago. so i'm sitting with my friend at a hookah lounge and we have this thing where when one of us goes out to smoke a cigarette outside and forgets his laptop open, the other tries to fuck something up but only slightly and something that can be undone instantly. so anyways that situation occured in which my friend ended up leaving to smoke a cigarette and take a phone call outside and forgets his laptop open. to me this is a golden opportunity to fuck something up for him and piss him off later because he never forgets it open. so now i'm on his laptop, i figured why don't i just copy and paste all his folders on his desktop and just fill up his whole desktop with duplicates of folders that are already there. thats where i fucked up. one of the files on his desktop was his hard drive. he has a macbook pro and leaves his hd there to easily access his subfolders. so anyway here i am randomly copying and pasting shit including his hard drive. i did this about 3 times. mind you, his hard drive has a capacity of 512gb, and he had already used around 350gb meaning it only had a little over 100gigs left. so anyways after i did that thinking it would be hilarious that he'd come back to a computer full of files and folders not knowing his hd was copied and pasted like 2-3 times over, he comes back and decides to show me a funny youtube video. after 2 mins into the video his hd just crashes and he gets the famous blinking question mark. so he's like wtf did you do and i'm there like i didn't do anything (cuz i was panicking thinking how the hell could i have possibly messed up his hd by copying and pasting folders) and then later on i realized its because i suffocated his hd by copying and pasting it over 3 times. i still have the laptop trying to figure out how the hell i can fix it for him even though it's not showing up in his disk utility and is not recognized at all by the computer, i cant even backup his files because nothing recognizes the hd, not even my external or an enclosure........and he doesn't have a backup at all...

pranked my friend by copying and pasting his files over and over again, one of them turned out to be his hd unbeknownst to me, 2 mins later his hd crashes and gets blinking question mark; he doesn't have a backup...

accidentally suffocating my friends hard drive

so my wife and i have been married four years and have an infant daughter. for all intents and purposes, i am the father of her 6 year old son. we are both working professionals who were previously involved in unhappy marriages. hers because her ex was a lying, drug-abusing, child-neglecting sob. honesty and financial security are things that are very important to her. we had a very happy marriage, and would even comment to each other on how low-key and happy our life was. in our respective jobs, we each deal with people in very unhappy situations. as an aside, i enjoy a few relatively expensive hobbies: cooking, target shooting, and photography. when we found out we were expecting, we agreed to cut back on our discretionary spending. without getting into all of the ugly details, my wife discovered that i had lied about buying a pasta maker - i told her i borrowed it from a friend when in fact i had actually bought it. in the ensuing discussion, i confessed to having taken the money for my student-loan payments and spending it on other things: kitchen gadgets, guns, lenses/filters, etc. over that time period, she has asked me point-blank whether i was keeping up with my payments and i had lied to her and told her i was. the lies were not impulsive, so much as ongoing. soooo...my marriage could very well be over. certainly, my wife no longer trusts me. i'm not blaming anybody else for this. it's on me and i don't know if i will be able to repair the damage. for the record, while i am not condoning my actions, i have never done anything illegal, adultery, have never been abusive and have never been anything but a good father to our children. tl; dr: i lied to my wife and my marriage might be over...

destroying my marriage

[not today] december 10, 2016. background; i am a stage manager & technician (as a student), hired by the district that i am a student in. on this particular day, my task is to come in early in the am and open the auditorium for a state(?) speech & debate tournament that is set to use every room in the building. they are using the auditorium to do their opening remarks and whatnot and won't be back in until they do closing remarks and awards at the end of the day. well, as it happens my particular stage is quite special, as the front section of the stage is a very expensive and massive elevator aka “the lift” that can go from our stage level to our orchestra pit level or all the way to the basement which is our storage area. anyways, as the speech & debate team does they like to raise a table of their awards and trophies and whatnot from the basement to the stage level. and me, being a creative stage manager thinks gee wouldn't it be swell to add our fog machine to this dramatic raising of awards. as it is morning and they won't be back til the end of day i am planning on leaving after they leave, and coming back to run their closing, locking up and leaving. the fog machine will be theoretically used during this closing for just a couple seconds, as it disperses some mad thick fog. so here's my fuck-up: since i am leaving, i'd like to be ready to run the closing upon my return. so i plug said fog machine into the basement, while the lift is up. while lift is up, you can't open the access door. we have never used this fog machine on stage, and it has only been ran once before, not by myself. so i plugged it in downstairs by the and i see that it has a red led labeled “warming” and a green led labeled “ready”. the red led was lit indicating it was warming up so i walked away. i went back upstairs and sat at our front of house soundboard, where i would be working. i can see where the students are waiting in the cafeteria through the lobby doors, so i am ready for them to start. i thought the machine would warm up then wait to be activated. i was at the sound board waiting for the students to come in. i was just chillin on my phone. all of a sudden, the silence is broken by the awful screeching of the school fire alarm. now normally, we are lucky and get to ignore the alarms backstage as they 99% of time do not pertain to us. however, this was the 1% that did. my first thought is to spin in my chair and look in the cafeteria and i'm like, tf? weird day for a fire drill… then the realization that it must not be a drill but there must be a fire in the school! now i get to think, “at least i don't have to go outside.” i spin my chair back to the board when my eyes suddenly see the root of the alarms, as i look back at the stage and i see there's smoke coming out of the stage, through the maybe ½” space between the stage and the lift. now i get to freak out. oh fucking shit fuck me. so i start running around the building trying to get the people to not go outside, it's cold and it's not a real fire that they have to evacuate for. too many people, i'm not loud enough. so i give up on trying to spare them from freezing outside unnecessarily. now i then remember we have two custodians in the building who will have access to the system and they probably need to know what's going on. i know these custodians by name because i'm here so often working. so i need to let my guys bill and paul know what's going on and they maybe able to get the alarm to stop. so i'm sprinting through the crowd of students who are evacuating trying to find bill or paul and i see paul first and i say “it's me it’s me it’s coming from backstage it's a fog machine” and then you know he's like oh shit. so i run to find bill and he's tryna turn off the alarm and i tell him what happened too, but the alarm isn't shutting off. so i'm pacing back and forth at the panel and i'm thinking what do i do over and over again. at this time, paul calls someone at the fire dept. to let them know they don't need to come. then i'm realize that i never actually checked on the machine! it's still running in the basement! so i sprint back stage and run downstairs and the whole. fucking. basement. is fog. i couldn't see in front of my face. the alarm is very loud in the basement. i walk through the fog and find the machine and yanked the cord out of the wall to turn it off. i kept running around like what do i do what do i do. the alarm won't stop because there is no circulation downstairs, but the smoke detectors are downstairs, so you see; the fog not moving is going to keep tripping the alarms so i have to clear the basement somehow. luckily i have access to the hvac system through a special log in. i'm able to open the dampers 100% and open our garage doors. however at this point the lift is still at stage level and the fog is just slowly getting pushed through a gap. i decide i have to operate the lift in sections to release fog into the hall, but slowly so we don't fog up the hall. then as i'm running around backstage i can hear a siren heading our direction since the garage doors are open. shit. the fire department’s coming! oh fuck me i'm dead! i stand outside and signal them to stop at my side of the building. i quickly explain that it's not a fire in the school but a fog machine in the basement. they come inside and i show them to the basement. i'm explain the bit about the circulation and what's going on and they are mad as fuck. so they tell me they have to find the fire alarm panel for my part of the building, which is a rather new addition. the main school board doesn't control past the front of the stage and we are directly below that. no one knows where that is. paul calls his boss and he doesn't know. so now i’m pacing around and i decide i have to call my supervisor who's asleep at home. i call 7 times and on the 7th he answers and i explain again briefly what happened and said i'm sorry i messed up but they need to get to the panel. he told me where the panel was and that we'd talk about this later. in the meantime paul got a fan going downstairs. it's all circulating pretty well, should be cleared in just a couple more minutes. but then the fire department wants to know what it was doing there, how it got turned on, is the basement secure and more prying questions and just as i was going to explain that it was me, one of the two men threw out his quick hypothesis which was that some random prankster student must have ran down here and did that. and i agreed. they left finally and the tournament was still ahead of schedule when they took the stage. i was shook up for a couple more hours. the next monday, my supervisor and i looked at the machine and determined that it has a timer on it, that i didn't know was on of course. the machine can function how i assumed it did, but with the timer off. with the timer on, it will disperse a set amount of fog for a set amount of time then wait for a set amount of time and do it again.

accidentally allowed a fog machine to operate without knowing for 40+ minutes in an uncirculated area, set off the school fire alarm and got the fire department called.

getting the fire department dispatched to my high school.

i work as a software analyst and qa tester for a mid-sized produce company. recently, we refreshed our testing database with updated production data, allowing us to test 'live-ish' data. i neglected to remember that when this update happens, it resets all the email triggers in our test server pointed back to production. i ended up testing a sales order, that was rejected, and in the rejection comments i explained "drinking warehouse staff loaded wrong product on the wrong truck. drunk truck driver signed off on it. customer rejected it." none of that was meant to be seen by anyone but the internal testing team, but when i completed the reject it emailed it out to the warehouse, the warehouse managers, the production qa staff for product. instantly it was reported to hr that the warehouse staff were drinking and this caused a shitstorm of emails between senior managers that we have problems with drunk staff, problems with drunk truck drivers. ^^^edit: ^^^spelling. since my team is also the support group, they emailed me asking me to look into this since they couldn't find the mentioned order in production, only this notification the test server sent. i was mortified when i realised what i'd done and apologise to everyone. the hr manager, still laughing, emails me that all is well, that he can't stop laughing, and that frankly, he's pleased this 'test' of the hr notification systems was 'successful'. however, now the warehouse staff likely think i'm a shark, despite the explanation that was given. we disabled that shit from happening again. that is, until the next time we refresh the testing server and we all forget to disable that setting.....

printing a test print to a production printer, causing the warehouse staff to think i was calling them all drunks.

i work as the lone it girl for a organization that offers services for children with disabilities. we have a day care down the administrative wing. my office is a long hallway that opens to my office/closet with the additional server room behind there. it is extremely easy to bump into someone coming down the wing. this particular day i had been rushing around and was not mindful when i came speed walking down my hallway to turn down the administrative wing. i barged into a group of toddlers heading down to the day care. i knocked a few of them flat on their butts and they started crying. it was so mortifying as people emerged from their departments to see the commotion of wailing kids.

knocking down toddlers at work

so for context, i've had some personal tragedy in the past few months, and i have not really been into dating. one day around 3 weeks ago, this girl asked for my number. we exchanged numbers and planned to connect closer to after the holidays. so i text her last week, being like "hey want to hang out". she asks me what we should do, i recommend going out for a beer or two. we agree to go out today (jan 4th). so we're all ready to go, and this is where it all goes downhill. she tells me last night that she's not over her ex, and doesn't want to go out today. i believe her, but maybe it's because i haven't dated in a while and i have my own baggage. i tell her i'm pretty choked and i go on to send around 5-6 paragraphs worth of texts with me expressing my disappointment. i wish her good luck and delete the text message, i even go so far as to block her number. i'm just so disappointed. i decide around 4 hours later to unblock the number, she responds with: "actually i feel like we should give this a shot" "hello" "ok be that way, i'm blocking your number btw"

girl asks me out, bails due to her own insecurity. after i am pretty choked i block her number. unblock later to find she would've gone out with me but because i didn't respond she got mad and blocked me.

reacting to a botched date

this was about four years ago, i was in first year at the time (irish secondary school standard - sorta like 7th grade in the us) and the school i was in a system where in first year, near the beginning of our secondary school experience, our mandatory subjects would be taught in our tutorial class. in order to get used to the system. each class had its own computer and its password was one of the following: ".", " " and "cat". the teachers were not the most tech savvy and the students figured out that these were the passwords for all computers in the school. one day after school some random fella came to our tutorial room and went on pornhub, at the time i didn't do anything because i assumed that the classroom would be checked by the teachers and the browser tab would be cleared. he used a vpn on his phone to get there. day later, we came back to school all hyped up. i had technology in the first class and other options in the first set of classes before our lunch break. we arrive back in our tutorial class and i realise that our computer is still on the pornhub tab. i told someone to keep watch (thought i could be the hero for the class and stop our class for being blamed for the situation). as soon as i was about to close the tab a teacher walks in and sees me on the tab. he started to ask why was i watching porn in middle of school. i tried explaining what happened and that a teacher would come into the class in the next period and our class would be in trouble for no apparent reason. the teacher just walked off and closed the tab. forward the time towards the end of the day and my class was in religion watching the dark knight. my tutor blasts through the class door asking for me and told me to pack my bag. i got a reaction from my class as i left and he brought me to the tutorial class and told me to insert the password. i hesitated and forgot the password and he asked me what i was doing watching porn in class and i explained the whole situation to him. i wasn't able to name the fella who did it and the teacher looked angry. he told me that it wasn't he end of it and let me go then. the next day our class was in p.e and in the lockers our class decided to have a brawl and we got a few bruises (our p.e teacher didn't give two shits about us and was on his phone). the word spread and our tutor got to know about this. he gave the whole class detention for 2 hours because of these events. he then gave me detention for an hour for 2 weeks for the previous events. people thought that i was the snitch because in the end i only had to go for one of the 10 detentions.

tried to be the hero of the class ended up being the polar opposite.

trying to save my class from detention

obligatory "this actually happened 3 years ago" preface. i had just moved to florida on an internship with disney. i previously lived in washington state, which outside the city limits of seattle, is actually a very conservative and gay-intolerant state. so, until this point, i was straight because everyone around me was likewise too scared to be gay, and so there was no opportunity to even entertain the idea of experimenting. orlando was an entirely shiny new world, and i learned i'm actually gay as fuck. i can't deny that i was a little promiscuous with my newfound sexuality in the beginning; imagine never tasting sugar until you were 21. i learned of new things i never would have believed existed, and one of those things was grindr. if you're unaware, it's the gay version of tinder, and the main goal is no-strings-attached hookups. literally 9 out of 10 guys would agree to fuck an avocado if it hit them up on this app, and i'm a pretty attractive guy. it's winter time now, and i'm boarding my plane to visit family for the holidays, and by this point, logging onto grindr is just force of habit. there's two guys in my terminal, both of which were too busy for a quicky, none on my plane, and an incredibly hot and tattooed man working for chicago's tsa during my layover, which unfortunately only lasted for 20 minutes and i wasn't about to get stranded in illinois. by this point, i've been teased with chat, pictures, and dozens of profiles i rifled through during my 9 hour flight, and was crazy horny by the time i got to wa. it was a redeye flight, so i landed around noon in seatac, and my mother drove me home. we have to pass through a town called tacoma in order to get to my hometown, and i was in the backseat with my face glued to grindr the entire way. i was hit up by an incredibly hot guy while passing through tacoma, and my mind would not have me spend this afternoon any other way. i immediately made plans with my friends from a town next to tacoma to give me plausible reason to drive back out of town later that afternoon, and i borrowed my mothers car to do so. i made it back to tacoma, spent a few hours catching up with my friend, and then set off to hook up with this guy. sparing you the details, it was a subpar fuck, the guy looked nothing like his profile picture, i suspected it was 'shopped, so i called him out on it before i go. as i'm leaving, i walk out into his complex' parking, and my mother's car (a very conspicuous, periwinkle scion xb) is gone. i have to go back and knock on the guy's door after basically telling him he ain't that pretty, and he's all smiles like "did you leave your car in covered parking?" i had. he told me it was reserved parking and tow trucks are pretty efficient in tacoma. he wasn't completely heartless, he gave me a ride to the tow lot and asked if i needed him to stick around until i figured it out, but i was pretty embarrassed so i sent him away. by this time it was 6pm, and considered "after hours" for the tow lot. when i called the office, the lady who answered informed me the tow fee would be $240 plus a $90 after-hours service fee to call a worker out to the lot to retrieve my car and process my pickup. at this point, i *refused* to admit to my mother that any of this happened, and so i was ready to pay any fee to get the car back and be home on time. i agree, and the man (*who was inside the office the entire time.......*) unlocked the door to let me in. we processed the claim, he gave me the keys to grab the registration from the car glove box, and took my id. midway through the paperwork, he stops dead and looks between me and the id. he informs me that i'm not legally authorized to retrieve the car because i'm not on the registration of the vehicle, and the only person who can pick it up is k, my mother. at this point i'm shitting my pants because my mother is going to wonder why my car was towed by a tacoma company when the friend i'm supposed to be visiting lives in olympia. i call my sister because i'm desperate for a solution. i give her my story, leaving out the fact that i was on a bootycall, just that i was trapped after visiting a friend. unfortunately she answered on speaker phone, and my mother was actually with her. as expected, my mother flew off the handle and screamed at me for a solid 5 minutes while i'm sitting in front of the guy in the office. he tells me i need to leave if i'm not able to pick it up, he's not going to wait around all night for me to figure out my shit, so i pack up and go. my sister, mother, and i go around in circles for another hour trying to figure out how i'm going to get her car off the lot without forcing her to call into work (she works night shift) and driving two hours out to tacoma. in the end, my sister, who is a branch manager at a credit union, gets her notary coworker to fax a notarized letter of consent for my mother to release the car to me at 9pm at night, and i have to pay cash because they won't accept a card payment unless it's in k's name. so i call the dispatch, they confirm (rather unbelievably) that they received my notarized release letter, and told me it would be another $90 for another after-hour pickup session, bringing the total up to $420. i get $500 cash from an atm, pick up the car, and i'm finally on my way home. i never told anyone that i had basically paid $420 for a hookup until today, and from that day, all promiscuous behavior ceased, and the very thought of hookups leaves a bad taste in my mouth. edit: all things considered, i'm happy i learned this lesson through monetary punishment, rather than contracting some std as a result of my promiscuity.

i discovered i was gay, went sex-crazy, got stranded in a random city after getting my mother's car towed during a hookup, and had to pay $420 to get home.

getting my mother's car towed during a hookup

this happened a few months ago in yosemite national park. if you have been to yosemite, you may have heard of the trail called '600 steps'. if you don't know what i'm talking about, here's a quick summary: the 600 steps is a hike throughout yosemite showcasing beautiful views and historical landmarks. it starts out with a rough uphill hike, then you begin the 600 steps. the issue is, it's not really 'steps'. the steps are just rocks that you basically have to do parkour to move from one to another. so, i finally get to the top of the 600 steps and i'm feeling like death. the analogy i would give to this would me being the fly getting trapped in one huge venue flytrapper. this is also during mid october, so it was pretty cold and slippery. que the mess up: i of course didn't want to take all 600 steps to go back down, so a trail guide told me to take the 'john muir' trail (correct me if i typed it wrong) which would be quick and put me right back where i started the 600 steps. pretty simple, huh? no no no. the supposedly john muir trail took 3 hours to finish. as i'm starting the trail, i'm panicking because it's only going up. like, i'm far above the clouds at this point. the moment i'm about to turn around, i see a sign in the distance which says john muir trail. when i see the sign, i thought i was already on the trail. wrong again.... i was supposed to take some more stairs which would only take 10 min to get to the john muir trail. instead, i went completely off course and took the much longer way. so, now i start the john muir trail and i'm going downhill. the issue is, i see big loads of crap and "foot" markings on the ground. it's in the afternoon, so bears shouldn't be out, but i was worried about mountain lions. at this point, i'm sprinting down and freaking out. i finally make it back down and kiss the ground.

took wrong trail after going doing a long hike and almost got killed by a mountain lion or lack of oxygen.

taking the wrong trail...

this actually happened this past summer. i went to go out for a ride on the bike on a nice summer day. so i go outside to warm my bike up and realize my fuel light is on once i put my key in. i look inside the gas tank and it's extremely low. i live about 10 min drive from the nearest gas station, in a very rural area. so i go and look for some gas sitting around the garage. there's a row of a couple gas cans sitting in there, so i grab one and process to fill up my bike. i finally start it up and let the bike warm up as i go inside to put all of my gear on. i walk back outside and my bike isn't running anymore... huh weird. i try to start it up a few more times, nothing. so i finally come to the realization that it must have been something i just did today. i open up the gas lid and stick my nose in and instantly yell out "fuck!!!" it was kerosene that i filled my tank with and tried to run through the bike. this beautiful day that i planned on going out riding turned into a nightmare. to fix this problem i had to take the gas tank right off the bike, disconnect all electrical connectors and the fuel pump, which took an hour or two. finally got all of the kerosene out. had to get the tank back on the bike and refilled it with actual gasoline. i ran to the store to buy some engine starter fluid. i turned the bike on and off a couple times to get the fuel pump to actually pump gasoline now. then i try to start it up and nothing, again. after about 15-20 min of trying to start it up and spraying starter fluid into the air box it finally starts up and a gigantic cloud of black smoke just fills my entire garage as i'm revving the shit out of the bike to keep it from stalling. the smoke was so thick in my garage you could barely see a few feet in front of you. i was ecstatic that it didn't turn into a huge repair bill. the real victim of all of this: http://i.imgur.com/llsgkxl.jpg

running kerosene through my motorcycle

firstly this is something that didn't happen today. second of all its not that great of a fuck up compare to others but the situation that happen during and after leaves a shitty emotional scar. thirdly mouth herpes is cold sore... i never had a cold sore before. so you know how new years is that time that people gather together and do shit together to celebrate the cycle of the gregorian calendar? well on that day i did exactly just that (instead of playing video game or going skating like i should've) but i drank a little more than i should've so decisions were impaired. what happened was a blur, but for the most part i got a bit too chatty and too friendly. what eventually happen is i got together with someone and kissing and biting became the main attraction. we eventually took a nap or at least i did, as i forgot i had work right after (yeah on the new years...) and i had to dash out early to avoid being late (i've been terminated before as an early christmas surprise present before). not wanting to be that jerk i left a note but being a part time idiot, i left no contact information not name just. "out for work, be back later" at work i realise the utter uselessness of the note as only 3 people actually knew me... and i justified that maybe they wouldn't give a damn anyways and they probably forgot about me and that i shouldn't care that much anyways... but the longer i thought the more i thought it was an excuse... (so did my co-workers) and did the whole awkward "romantic" chase after that person. so i contacted the person i knew at the party who redirected me to the person who knew a friend of that person who dragged me to the park where they were chilling out to surprise that person. so here i am juggling phone in hand and slightly drenched in sweat apologising profusely about ditching them after without let them get a word out. finally as i paused the person just gives me a look of confusion and then a look of cringe. apparently they were drunk at the time too and didn't like the thought of being lonely due to the surrounding... but they intended this to be a one time thing and couldn't care less what i did after... this devastated me, here i went from trying not to be a jerk, to not caring, to playing broken telephone with strangers, to creating a full blown awkward moment... all i want to do is forget about this... but the following day after i felt a weird pain (actually it was there the day before too but it became more prominent after) a sort of sore numbing pain around the lip edge of the lip area... my friend knew immediately that it must've been a cold sore... a cold sore? i thought i never had one before where would i... oh congrats i get to remember this shitty embarrassing moment with shitty mouth herpes edited: out some bitterness. ps is there anyway to get rid of it permanently?

met someone drunk, accidentally leave person, made efforts to find the person again, commit social suicide, wants to forget moment, have mouth herpes to remember the person and the moment by now.

contracting mouth herpes

obligatory this didn't happen today. i tried posing for a photograph on a "hope" sculpture. only, i tried jumping up on to the base, instead of climbing onto it like a normal person (and like the people before me did). and when i jumped up in my attempt, i banged my head on the edge of the letter 'p'. needless to say, i was a little dazed and feeling my head for a bump when i see blood on my hands. my fiancé, who was trying to take the photograph, didn't see me bump my head, and asked me why i moved away from the sculpture when i had been really interested in seeing it. when i told him i bumped my head on it he started laughing (i'm a very clumsy person). then i showed him the blood on my hands and he immediately got me a cab to go to a nearby er (the cab driver was extremely sweet). by the time i reached the er, i had blood streaming down my face and neck, front, side and back. while waiting for the doctor i started panicking that my brain has been damaged, and started counting till a hundred, reciting the whole sequence, much to my fiancé's amusement. long story short, i was told it's a small cut, but a little deep. and now i have 3 staples on the top of my head all because i wanted a photograph with a sculpture. spending the first night of the new year in an er with my fiancé was exactly the way i wanted to spend it ;), but hey, atleast i started the year with a bang, amirite?

tried to take a photograph with a metal sculpture and now have 3 staples on the top of my head.

starting the new year with a bang!

so this happened a while ago. i am doing civil engineering and always liked the subject environmental engineering. the teacher assigned to teach the subject was really serious and was really tactfull and strategic in conducting tests. so, this one time when she was taking the test what she did is that she told us to use different values for the same numerical based on whether we were sitting at left or right side of desk. she told the invigilator to go to each student and write down his side just to avoid confusion. from my side i was definitely sitting on left and started doing the numerical based on left side values. but, when the invigilator arrived at my desk he wrote 'right' on my sheet. at this point i felt like something in my gut sunk in. as i has already finished the numerical and was doing some theory questions i felt devastated(as it was of 5 marks out of 20 and there wasn't enough time to redo it). then i realised what has just happened(it was not my left but my teachers left). i decided to talk to teacher afterwards considering the importance of test. as i approached her afterwards, she told me that she will give me extra 10 minutes to redo it. i quickly started scribbling the solution to a new page provided by her. i was taking help from my already complete numerical to speed things up(as only the values and calculations were supposed to be changed and redone). at this point she snapped and told me that i had cheated from the student sitting next to me and now i am simply following what he did with different values. i was shocked at her explaination and tried to explain that what happened to me was genuine. she then said " just leave". and i had to leave

i was taking a test. used wrong value in numerical due to confusing tactic used by teacher. talked to her afterward. was given extra 10 minutes. framed as a cheater for referencing to my already completed but wrong answer.

my important test.

this is actually a fuck up from a couple of years ago, but anyway.. i donated blood as often as i could after i was legal age (17). every 3 months or so, i would donate. legal weight for donation is 110 lbs (i was 115). the third time i ever donated blood, it was at a blood bus parked at my local walmart. it had been 3 months since i'd last given blood so i went in and answered the questions they asked like the times before. the phlebotomist noticed my heart rate was a little fast, but sat me down at one of the designated spots and prepped me anyway. they stuck the needle in my arm and after a couple minutes, they had a fresh bag of o+ blood. after i was finished, i felt slightly drained, but no more than usual. i had remembered the previous times i felt sluggish and my muscles ached after i'd had the blood drawn. they offered me a cookie and some juice, but i declined. and after five minutes had passed, the let me go with some free socks and a backpack. so, i did what i came to walmart for and went about shopping for whatever my mom put on the list, plus any junk food that looked good at the moment. as i'm pushing the cart around, i notice how weak my muscles feel, but trudge on anyway. several meaningful items, doritos, and bottles of sprite later, i'm standing in the checkout line. there's a woman in front of me with a cart full of groceries and her daughter sitting in the seat. behind me is an older lady talking on the phone while her husband leaned on the cart. i've never been claustrophobic, but standing here wedged between these two carts, i began to feel light-headed. then my heart started racing. i tried to focus on something, but my vision was going blurry. the last thing i remember is staring at the little shelf of suckers in front of me and wishing there was a grape one. i came to on the floor, with a crowd of people around me, and the older lady asking "do you need an *ambulance*?" "nah, i'm good," i said. i wasn't hurt, just confused. her husband had obviously caught me before i hit the ground. all these people had gathered around me pretty quickly, trying to figure out why i'd passed out. they calmed a little when i pointed to the lifesouth socks in my cart. i was a little embarrassed, but thanked that nice couple before chugging one of my bottles of sprite. lucky for me, i made it through the line and back home without any more dizzy spells. i donated blood a few times after that, until i was no longer legal weight. i *always* accepted the cookie and juice after that day. what's even worse? almost the exact same situation happened to my sister ten years earlier.

i donated blood, turned down cookie and juice, and paid for it with my consciousness.

giving blood

earlier today, me, my father and my brother went to this place where you can swim with fishes. we got there, parked the car and went to the reception, where a guy directed us to a room to get snorkels, life vests and sandals. while getting ready, we realized we wouldn't need a lot of the stuff we were carrying so we took them back to the car and kept only the essential. the stuff we wanted to take with us were put in a small bag: shirts, a camera and my sunglasses, basically. after we were ready, we entered a cart attached to a tractor that took us to the beggining of a ~400m trail that ended in the pond with the fishes. let me stop here to tell you that i don't know why i did this, but while getting ready, i attached my key holder to my short's lace. so after about thirty minutes swimming, we follow to the final activity, that consisted in floating for about 800m down a river. between the two activities was a 10 minute walk, in which i realized my short's lace was gone and so were my keys. in this point, i had a small hope that my keys had fallen before we entered the water, so i moved on with the activity and only worried about the keys later. just so you can imagine how fucked up i was, let me tell you that the spare keys were a 4-hours ride from me, if someone could bring them. sorry for the poor english and formatting, english is not my native language and i'm typing this from my phone (on top of that, the autocorrect is set for my native language).

dropping my car keys in a pond

so, today was the last day before classes resumed. i wanted to enjoy it and actually take the time to savor food before i had to go back to stuffing the nearest pastry down my throat before leaving. so, i decided to make some nice "sunny side up" eggs to make my day just the bit better, as well as try the slow-cooking, single-egg cooker that i received for christmas. the device was fairly simple; plug the cooker in, wait for it to heat up, put the egg on, close the lid, and wait for it to ding to take the egg out. i thought to myself, "seems easy enough." so, i grabbed the toaster, which only made one piece of toast at a time, the two eggs, and the two pieces of bread, and placed the butter on the fridge door, all while the egg-cooker took its time to heat up. once i heard the ding that let me know i could put the egg in, i grabbed the first egg and put it in. this one came out beautifully. just by looking at it, i could tell that it was going to be runny and really delicious. i moved it to the plate, put the first piece of toast into the toaster, and went to put the second egg in. now, i hadn't originally timed how long it took to cook the first egg, so i wasn't able to time anything properly. however, i followed the motions of putting the egg in and left it to cook. the first thing to be done was the toast, so i went over and put it down again. because i like my toast a little darker, i put it down one extra time while the egg was still cooking, and so i lost track of the egg. the toast reappeared and i switched it out for the second and began to butter. my first mistake began here when i thought it would be a good idea to crank up the intensity of the toaster to speed up the toast making process. my second mistake was thinking the second piece of toast needed to be put back down again. once the egg was ready, i went over to take it out and put it onto the plate. at that same time, i smelled the toast burning. in the heat of the moment, i rushed over to cancel the toasting, but i ended up knocking over the egg cooker. i panicked and decided to save the stove from the impending mess that was the runny egg instead of stopping the toast from burning. i reached to pick up the cooker but then realized a second later what i had done: i grabbed the top part of the cooker that was on and hot with half of my hand. when the pain finally set in, i immediately shot to the sink to rinse it under cold water, completely forgetting about my piece of toast, which was now burned to a crisp and creating smoke. thankfully, it didn't set off the smoke detector, and i was able to get it out and into the trash. in the end, i had second degree burns on half of my right hand, and a burned piece of toast, but the eggs were good at least. that egg cooker can make some really good eggs if you don't mess it up.

i got an egg cooker for christmas and wanted to use it to make eggs for my last day before my classes resumed, but i failed miserably and ended up with second degree burns on part of my right hand as well as a burned piece of toast, and some delicious eggs.

making eggs

sorry for my english, i’m spanish and english is not a very common language learned in my country. this happened the last october as i was doing an internship as a computer technician in florence, italy. i’ve never lived without my parents so i was still adapting to my new life. i shared the flat with two people i met one month before. they were somewhat nice to me but they weren’t too social as they always were in their rooms with the door closed avoiding any kind of social relationship. when we arrived at the flat for the first time we saw a really great place to live, not very far from the city center. even though it was the 6th floor it had a backyard (bigger than the house so it was perfect for doing barbecues with my friends). the kitchen furniture was made entirely of wood, they were very old but would do the job for us. the house was perfect but the tv was absent. we spoke to our landlord about the tv and asked in a horrible italian where was the tv and why there isn’t one in the house. “no no, the television here is paid (ppv) and it wasn’t included in what you paid” **lied.** i didn’t understand a simple word but one of my flatmates who knew something translated what he said. three weeks after i was alone in the house as one of them were working as a hairdresser and the other were in spain attending some personal issues. i was being slowly eaten by the biggest boredom i’ve ever experienced in my life when suddenly i remembered that inside the storage room i found a little crt tv along with its cables and a small antenna. i know a bit about tvs, where do i have to plug the cables, tunning the tv in order to see any canal and such. so, me, in an attempt to be a hero for my flatmates and me and improving our relationship, decided to mount the tv, tune some channels and when they arrive at the house we could watch italian tv. all of the plugs in our kitchen was being used but the most accessible were the one being used by the fridge (and freezer) which was very close to a furniture piece made of old wood (less than 10cm, 4 inches for our american brothers). i looked for a multiple socket until i found one, it was small but i thought it would do the job with no sweat. **big mistake.** when i plugged in the fridge and the tv i ran to get my phone (which was in my bedroom) because my parents were calling me. meanwhile i was talking to them i went back to the kitchen to turn the tv on. i heard a buzzing noise coming from the fridge so i left the phone on the table meanwhile my mother were speaking to the emptiness and i started checking everything in the kitchen. * checked the oven, nothing. * the burners, nothing. * the microwave, nothing. * the fridge, nothing. * the tv, nothing. when i realized where the buzzing noise was coming it was pretty late as the kitchen was filled of **white smoke**, the small the cheap-y multiple socket where the tv and fridge/freezer were plugged **caught fire** while it was sparking sparks, burning the tv cable and creating a small fire on that piece of furniture (note that all the furniture were connected so if one of them starts burning, the whole kitchen would burn) then i ran faster than flash itself to turn off the whole distribution panel of the house. took the glove used to take things from the oven (what the hell was i thinking?) pulled the fridge/freezer plug by the cable while doing the same with the tv. took a small cube, filled it with water as soon as possible and threw it to the furniture that was burning to mitigate the fire. my mother was still talking to the emptiness. i dismantled everything after cleaning the mess i created with the smoke, the smell and i hid the burned part with a pizza box. our internship is finished and i’ve never told my flatmates about this. you are the first people i talked about this. edit: formatting

tried plugging the fridge, the freezer and a tv on the same plug, ended burning the plug and the tv cable, filling the kitchen with a horrible smell and burning a side of a piece of furniture.

almost burning up the entire kitchen and risking my life.

bf and i are moving to a big city. found a perfect apartment and paid all the fees. landlord of a previous bigger apartment offered us a cheaper deal. we purposefully gor rejected from the first, but now the guy is backing out of his deal saying he never got our application and is taking someone who will pay more. my job starts in ten days. i hate everything.

lost an apartment

this happened today. it's been a few hours after the incident. in my school we have this miniature train set (n-scale if any hobbyists are wondering) in the library. me and some friends of mine have been working on the project for a few months now. i was working on all the electrics and the lighting and things like that to make it look nice. we had this small light that we accidentally broke the wires off the contacts. teacher helping us on project said no problem, i'll just solder it. he proceeds to solder it, now we need to test it. the issue is, we had no power supply or anything like that and we were not gonna stick a 12 volt dc light into a 120 volt ac power plug. so we thought a low-voltage battery. dc isn't bad right? wrong. this fuck up made me realize how cordless drills are so powerful with just batteries. same thing with cars- electric and gasoline. we grabbed an 18 volt battery. it was only 6 volts above the light but it was dc and presumably safe. i proceed to connect the contacts, and it lights up well! talk about a job well done! but i wasn't careful enough. the contacts touched and it shorted. cue the huge spark and noise, right in my face. i smelled some smoke and was horrified for a moment. thankfully this did not burn down my school or my face. nor shock either of us. this was in the back room as well, fortunately- there were no cameras there. i checked out the library but didn't notice any heads turned. i was in the clear. as for the teacher, who was doing this with me the entire time... we agreed that it was damn cool, but we were not doing that again. careful with batteries guys. it does not take many volts.

-** fixing a light, tested with a drill battery, shorted contacts. sparks and a burning smell.

shorting a battery

so this happened today, actually. about an hour ago i was walking through an archway in my house and for some reason just ran into the frame of it with my shoulder. i already have a massive bruise forming, since i walked at it at full speed. if people ask i will have to tell them that i ran into a door frame. . . but that's a classic battered wives excuse . . . and both my partner and i are kick boxers so i have heaps of unexplained bruises anyway . . . people will think my boyfriend beats me.

people are gonna think my boyfriend beats me because i didn't look were i was going.

running into a door frame.

for clarification look at this picture. http://i.imgur.com/otur4ra.png today, i spent an hour in the chat explaining to customer service that when i registered my card it didn't give me the 25 points they promise on their website. i spent an hour with them chatting, feeling like i was accomplishing something. i eventually got them to give me some points back, but i still felt jaded. they refused to give me 25 points which they promised, but only 15. i felt ok overall about the 15 points until i saw this image.. http://i.imgur.com/jk5ekou.png subway really wanted their soft drink i guess.. wtf!!

spending an hour with subway rep "ray" trying to get my 25 registration points that didn't show up when i registered my subway card.

this was about 13 years ago, but it still feels like yesterday... i had a bit of a fascination with fire as a child. i played with fireworks, made sobe bombs, all sorts. i was always pretty careful... until this day. i was playing in the backyard when i found a lighter on the ground, probably from my sister smoking in the backyard. anyway, i started sparking the lighter, enjoying the show, when i looked up and saw the backyard wall. now, you need to know that this was summer in arizona, so it was dry and hot. also, my backyard walls were covered in a vine called cat's claw. being that it was summer, the vines were dead and shriveled, but still clung to the wall in a thick heap. young f13bubbaa quite enjoyed watching things burn, and so he thought to himself "i wonder what this will look like.." thinking that it would be a slow burn similar to paper, 13 year old me decides to direct the lighter to the dried bunch of vines. big mistake instantly, and i mean almost instantaneously, the back fence is engulfed in flames. 13 yo me freaks out. luckily, the pool was 10 feet away, and there was a bucket handy. so i start a one man bucket brigade and try to douse the flames a gallon of water at a time. no dice. the flames are roughly 10 feet high off the fence at this point. so i jump between the blaze and the house, and run for the hose. after i turn it on, i run back through, and start trying my luck with the hose, to no avail. it's at this point my genius of a neighbor (who has apparently been watching for a solid 5 minutes over the back fence) decides to pipe in with a "hey there little guy, you okay?"... do i look okay?!?!?!? ...i was not okay. realizing i had royally and irrevocably frenched up, i decided i had to tell my mom... the exchange went something like this: f13: ma, there is a fire! mom: spider? f: fire! m: higher? f:fiiiiiiire!!!!! mom gets the hint, calls 911, and instantly gets put on hold. awesome. so now, i'm standing in my backyard, hosing down flames that have grown to 30 feet in vain, crying. the smoke was so bad at this point that people have driven to see what was burning, gathered the neighborhoods' collective hoses, and joined my effort to extinguish the blaze i had caused. we finally got the flames out right as the firetruck pulled up. after talking to my mom, they told me that they had decided not to press arson charges, which was nice of them i guess (i would not do well in prison...) they also said if there had been any wind that day, it would have shifted and caused an attic fire (my house was about 6 feet from the back wall i burned) and we would have lost the house. probably would have killed my sister too, since she was asleep in her room, and no one knew.... so yeah, that's the story of how i almost became a 13 y.o. felon.

i caused a 30 foot wall of fire playing with a lighter in my back yard. the fire dept. was less than pleased.

playing with a lighter.