Datasets:

reddit_tifu

like 6

tifu while playing league of legends when one of a friend (whom i happen to have a huge crush on)'s friends started saying that he liked her. i flipped my shit, caused a scene, and more than likely lost a good friend because of it. so far, she's blocked me on skype and facebook and unfriended me on lol. **update:** she unblocked me, we're talking now. apparently the other guy in this story freaked her out, and now i'm somehow the good guy in this.

flipped a shit when i found out likes the same girl i do. pissed her off and won't see her again for a bit.

having envy

so i went to see my grandparents with my mom at a resort-like retirement villa. it was a wonderful place with lots of beautiful scenery and activities for the seniors to do with visiting relatives. we ordered our food at the restaurant there and started catching up on things. while dining on some not-so-well cooked shrimp scampi, my grandfather (who is developing alzheimer's) asks a question. "bet you've never seen so many old people in one place" instead of just saying "no", my brain immediately responds with something you don't say around seniors. especially at the volume i decided to use. "well, i live near a cemetery and old people are pretty common there" followed by a long, awkward silence from all 4 of us. my 80-something year old grandparents acting like nothing happened, my mom staring at me, disgusted, and me just staring stupidly at the way my napkin matches the tablecloth.

i mentioned a cemetery around my grandparents instead of just shutting my mouth like i should've.

answering a rhetorical question from my grandpa

so i was fapping and had the smart idea to use my own spit so later i found sores on my dick and one in my mouth......ugh ideas to help please

giving myself herpes

basically, i destroyed her phone. ruined the conductor for the aerial, now she doesn't get a signal and i blunted all but 2 two screws, so it will most likely cost a lot more to get it fixed. i'm not technically impaired, i could usually do this fine. but the looming sensation of; "sooner i get this done, the sooner i can have sex" kind of rushed me.

getting out the "man tools" and attempting to fix my gf's iphone screen in the urge to gain brownie points

we met online and talked for two days. decides to meet up at a bar on the third. i went back to his place afterwards got more drinks and movies. turned into sexy time. turned out he was into pain, giving and receiving. i'd never done that before and left feeling good but pretty sore. woke up this morning and realized i left my wallet on his living room floor where the fun times began.

i left my wallet at the house of a sado-masichist.

i'm a waiter, and accidentally spilled a large tray filled with 14-15 glasses of ice-water onto a customer (hot 30-something year old)... oh man it was not cool. never again will i lose my balance with those damned trays... bonus: she was wearing a white shirt.

dumping a tray of ice-waters on a beautiful woman at work

i ran track in high school and run with friends as a recreational activity. i'll get right to the point. there's this cemetery that my friends both love and loathe. it's not your ordinary cemetery; it's huge and hilly with various ponds and such scattered. it's a very tiring route to run through, and i have only seen other people there once. my running group consists of the short term runners, who are really far behind every run, and the long term runners, who are always in the front. i'm about in the middle, so during this run i end up by myself for a bit. the cheap exerciser i am, i decide to run off the path and cut through the cemetery to save time and effort. i'm running through thick grass where the tombstones are when suddenly, i drop around 5 feet; i had just fallen in what i believe to be an open grave. it was pretty big and my ankles were decimated by the landing. my initial reaction was i had just fallen on a corpse, but i knew that was not the case. i lifted myself out of the grave and limped for a bit until my friends in back caught up and i told them what happened. i eventually was able to run the 4 miles back with the adrenaline, but when it settled, my legs killed.

decided to take a shortcut during my jog in a cemetery and fell in an open grave.

falling in an open grave

this morning, my fiance and i woke up still drunk and really late for a wedding planning meeting we had waited about two months to get and which would be a huge pain in the ass to miss. we left in a huge hurry to try and make the meeting, and as he's driving, my mildly pleasant "still drunk" state is rapidly spiraling into cripplingly hungover. i chug my massive bottle of water and try not to ralph. when we we're finally finished at the meeting i'm feeling even more horrible, but we still had about an hour drive back, so i chugged the most of my second bottle of water and tried to sleep. we made it off the expressway, and were about a mile and a half from home, when suddenly, the contents of my stomach are no longer cooperating. i sat up right, and said "fuck, i'm going to throw up!" i took off my seat belt and rolled down my window. my fiance said "hold on!" and pulled into the turn lane. in my foggy pre-vomit brain, i somehow thought he was pulling into the turn lane to stop there while i threw up. and, naturally, not wanting to throw up all over the side of the vehicle, i thought i could crack my door just far enough to throw up directly onto the ground, so i opened it... but the thing was, he wasn't pulling into the turn lane to stop. he was pulling into the turn lane to prepare to turn. it all happened in a matter of seconds, and with perfect timing that couldn't be replicated, i cracked my door at the exact moment he took a sharp turn at about 15 mph, and i was flung out of the car head first and sent rolling across 4 heavy lanes of traffic. also at this exact moment, all of the water and whatever else from the night before and possibly some vital organs decided to vacate my body through my mouth, so as i'm rolling i'm projectile vomiting all over myself. i was came close to being immediately run over by two cars but somehow managed to get up right after the roll and run blindly in the direction i thought the car was and out of the road. i have some nasty road rash on my back and feet, so bleeding all over the place, my clothes are completely torn up, and i'm covered in vomit, gravel, and shame. i proceeded to throw up several more times on the side of the road and scream "i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine" while a stranger that had seen the accident and stopped held my hair and two more strangers and my fiance called 911. they ended up sending a firetruck, two cops, and an ambulance. it was incredibly embarrassing. one of the genius cops was also absolutely convinced that my fiance had pushed my out of the car because he found out i was pregnant, and that that must be the real reason for me throwing up, so i had to disappoint them by explaining i was just really hungover and still kind of drunk on a sunday afternoon. it was a gloriously white trash sunday. **edit** i feel like there's some confusion, i am definitely not pregnant, and wasn't drinking while pregnant. when the cops showed up they jumped to that incorrect conclusion very quickly because they were convinced i was pushed, and that that must have been the reason for it. they were incorrect. sorry for the confusion! **edit** okay, a lot of people are pointing out that i said we were "still drunk" when we woke up and yet my fiance drove. let me be clear, we both woke up feeling horrible, but i was way worse off that he was. was he feeling the effects of the night before? yeah, he felt shitty. but he was most definitely not hammered or inebriated to the point where we were putting people in danger to have him drive. had that been the case, we would've just stayed home. obviously i was a lot worse off, i vomited and fell out of a car... sorry, i should have been more clear!

falling out of a moving vehicle. while vomiting.

today i got a message from my friend (her name is emily) asking me to come hang with her and another one of my friends at their house, so naturally i said yeah and left for her house at 6:30 in the evening. near the end of the hangout, where we were about leave and head back home, her dog was wandering around and i saw a scroll around its neck, on its collar. curious, i asked her, "hey, what's that piece of paper around your dog's neck? emily responded, "i don't know" and my friend, being equally curious, picked up her dog and we took out the scroll and opened it. inside was the invitation. here's where i fucked up. i thought the letter was old, like it was for another boy she was asking out last year. i dismissed it as an invitation to me, and started laughing and patted the dog on the head and said, "yes, scampers (the dog's name), i will go to the dance with you!" now, i didn't see emily's face, as i was too concentrated on making as big of a deal out of this as possible with her dog, but i'm glad i didn't now. all the while, my friend is laughing like nuts, i'm still not sure if it's because she knew i messed up or if genuinely believed that it wasn't for me, like i did. edit: my friend was also in on it haha, and i made amends, everything's good!

misinterpreting an invitation to a dance by a girl and saying yes to the invitation carrier, her dog.

as soon as i got to class started my computer and got on reddit. the last thing i remember my teacher say was "...and it's due before you leave." fuck!

spending an hour on reddit in my english 101

during my lunch hour saw my ex's parents on the street. last time i saw them was about 3 years ago and this time they, and especially mom looked big in abdominal area. without missing a beat i exclaimed, "congratulations on your new bundle of joy!" turns out mom and dad quit smoking and gained some weight. i should've known, they are in their late 40's. thankfully they are great folks with sense of humor and we just laughed it off.

calling overweight woman pregnant

today i fucked up at school. i go to san diego state university (sdsu) and in my hungover and probably still drunken stupor i walked into the women's restroom instead of the men's. (i have a dick thus i am a male). i would have just walked out except a woman in there screamed and called me a pervert and i did nothing besides stand there while my pickled brain attempted to comprehend what was happening. once i realized that i fucked up i left but waited outside to apologize to the freaked out girl for my mistake. well wouldn't you know it that a female campus cop was walking by and then heard the scream and once the girl complained the cop sat me down, and was threatening to arrest me for "harassment and sexual assault!!!!!" all i could think of was "shit bitch all i did was make a small overlook of which handle i decided to pull!" but instead i was just pleading my innocence. i mean the bathrooms are right next to each other and are almost identical besides the gender signs. long story short her old male supervisor came on scene and heard me out. he laughed and then let me go free just because he had a similar experience back in his day. i was late to class, everyone looked at me handcuffed and sitting on the floor! it was so embarrassing! i learned a few lessons: don't come to school drunk, always look at bathroom gender signs, and don't wait around for the cops to show up. reddit, today i fucked up...

walking in the wrong bathroom...

technically this was yesterday. to get in shape, i decided i was going to bike to work. it's only about 5 miles, and hey, who doesn't love biking? nevermind the fact it's been many years since i've ridden a bike. so, yesterday was my first day of biking to work. google maps directed me up a giant hill to a private property gate. annoyed yet determined, i turn around and head down the main road. at this point, i feel i should explain that the city sidewalks aren't very bike-friendly. instead of the logical design of [this](http://www.fhwa.dot.gov/environment/bicycle_pedestrian/publications/sidewalks/figure-4-17.jpg), they have something like [this](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3evw6bfzxcw/tm7d6le9zzi/aaaaaaaaais/gkq-9w7-xpw/s1600/img_7793.jpg), but with the downramps 6 feet off to the side. i didn't notice this until coming up on a curb, and i brake... hard.. but only on my front break. for a second, it was the most evil knievel thing of my life. then i landed. i break my glasses, sprain my wrist, dislocate my shoulder, and lose the light on my bike and my bike's computer thing. what's worse is i continued on to work, meaning that i still had the entire bike ride home to look forward to as well. it was an ordeal of gritting my teeth and slowly pedaling home, getting home, and collapsing. fast forward to today, and i can't sleep on any part of my body without it being in pain. the raw scrapes stick to the sheets and need to be (painfully) peeled loose. things as simple as putting on shoes is absolutely impossible. every inch of me is sore. maybe this exercise thing is a bit overrated. **edit:** you guys don't even want to know the pains of using the bathroom today.

deciding to bike to work.

i live in a building with shared bathrooms. this morning as i got up to poop in the toilet (it's my preferred method), i noticed some liquid on the seat before i sat down. **now**, i can't tell you what possesses a man to think such a thing, but in my brain, at that moment, i *needed* to know if it was piss or just some water splashed up from the last flush. now i **especially** can't tell you what possesses a man to do the following under any circumstances, but for some god forsaken reason, i gently reached out, dabbed the liquid and gingerly touched it to my lips. i immediately thought about what the fuck i was doing whilst beginning to cough and spit violently all the while doing some sort of spastic urine taste induced dance around the small cubicle. i washed my mouth out with listerine, brushed my teeth and proceeded to do a walk of shame two floors up where i could poop in a different bathroom that knew not of my shame. today, i wish i shit my pants instead.

doing a taste test

i just want to vent. i don't care if anybody reads this, and i haven't told anybody because i don't want to burden them with my emotional bs. i don't care if she ever sees this. she'll know it's her, but it won't matter; she still won't talk to me. neither will any of her friends. they think i'm scum. which is a pretty accurate description. my ego seems to be my most damning enemy. i met her in the navy; we were on the same ship, in the same division. she is gorgeous, fun, smart, level-headed, a real rare breed, which explains why she always had a boyfriend. we were friends, and she was flirty with me, but i just told myself that was her personality. i wanted to date her, but i never knew until too late that she had broken up with her previous boyfriend. this went on for roughly 5 1/2 years. she got out of the military and moved 3 hours away, but our friendship grew closer. i started making excuses just to see her. we were really flirty with each other, so i kissed her. it was amazing! the best thing i had done to date! i was a 26 year old who never had a serious girlfriend, but i got girls on a frequent basis, but this kiss topped everything! we spent the night together, and i asked her to date me, but she said she couldn't, that she was still getting over her previous boyfriend of two years, but i persisted over the next couple of months, and she finally agreed. so begins the first of my f ups, in a long, drawn out series of them. i should have let her heal and recuperate, but that's not what i wanted. i told myself that i could make it better. my ego so sayeth. we went on our first date the day after i got out of the navy, and she loved it! she said it was still the best date she'd ever been on the last time i talked to her, and it showed. she was glowing and beaming! a non-stop smile the entire evening! and that's how she made it the best date i've ever been on: to this day i can't remember if she walked at all that night. i only have recollections of her floating, which isn't the first time this has happened. the first time i saw her after my last deployment, she floated into the room with a flowing white summer dress and red lipstick. in my mind, she's always floating, while smiling and laughing. and the times when i woke up next to her, with the sunlight casting a halo around her, she would wake up and comment about her hair being whacky, but i never saw anything more beautiful than in those moments. she would then get ready for school or work and come downstairs, which turned out to be my daily fashion show, were it played out like the scene in every teenage prom movie, and in my mind she slowly walked down the stairs and lit up my whole world. these were the best days of my life, but i mistakenly never told her. after that, it was a steady downhill slide. i got out of the navy early with two weeks notice, which didn't give me any time to look for a job. i was collecting unemployment, but it was barely enough to cover the mortgage on my un-rented house, let alone all of the other bills i had. i was living off of my credit card, and worried that i was going to lose my house. i went back and forth from my place, trying to get it ready to rent out, to her, trying to keep this fledgling relationship afloat, and my parents' place, 4 hours away from her, 7 from my house, trying to mooch off of them to save money. on top of all of this, i was steadily getting rejected after job interviews, sliding me further and further into a funk. i was depressed, my ego didn't think it was possible for these jobs to not want me. and this girl made me want to be the best i could be, so that i could be the best for her, but my unemployment status was preventing this. i knew i could be better for her, but while lamenting, i was not a good boyfriend. after all of this, she thought it was best that we break up. i agreed, being that it wasn't a great time for either of us, and we mutually parted as friends. we kept in contact for a couple of months, until i took her out for her birthday, when the majority of my monumental f ups take place. we went to an '80's dance party with a bunch of her friends, where she was showing me the classic signs of attraction: touching, paying specific attention to me, but i thought nothing of it. the last sure thing she said relationship related to me was that she thought i was great, but that she was happy being alone. she made it clear and obvious that night that she was attracted to me, but i was too thick-headed to get it. we spent that next couple of weeks hanging out, and she would show me all of the obvious signs, but i would either brush them off or not realize it until later, sometimes right after we parted. this is where my ego takes control and ruins it: i convince myself that i'm just confused by her, and that if she wants me to ask her out, she has to say something. make no mistake, this is solely my ego and arrogance licking its' wounds and demanding to be soothed, pacified and satiated. i recognized the signs, but ignored them, for this stupid reason. she then moved into a new apartment, and invites me to her housewarming party. while there, she showers me with attention, ignores other guys and often shrugs them off for me, but this isn't good enough for me and my ego. oh, no, we want retribution! i even literally pushed her away from me at one point, but this sweet thing shrugs that off and comes right back to me. it seems to me like everything is finally falling into place, but it never does. she never gives my ego the satisfaction it craves, and i sleep alone that night. the next couple of months go by, and our interactions slowly decrease. i'm sure she's hurt by the constant rejection i'm dishing out, as a girl of this caliber should never be. however, my ego's cravings for satisfaction seem to become almost manic. she's not appeasing it, so i look for other outlets, mostly girls picked up at a bar somewhere. this gives me a false sense of entitlement, almost, or that i could get any girl i wanted, and that it was just a matter of time before she gave me what i wanted. she then invites me to her friends' birthday party, an '80's prom themed dance party. i was named prom king. i only mention this because at first it seemed trivial, but i now realize that it just furthered my opinion of myself, and that i was going to get what i wanted, but nothing was further from the truth. at this party, she is ignoring me, and is all over someone else. i couldn't comprehend this. i was distraught, to say the least. other girls at the party showed interest in me, but to me there was only one, and she couldn't care less for me. after a night of drinking, she goes to her room to pass out. i still care deeply for her, being that she's the first girl i ever had, so i went to find out if she was ok. i woke her up, asked her is she wanted some water, at which point her new guy is there, and he gives it to her. her room mate shows up, then she passes out and we leave. we wake up the next morning, and i go to sit by her bed, but she again passes out and i leave. at the time, neither of these incidents seemed to be a big deal, but they would come back to haunt me a week later. i go up to my parents' for a week, and the whole time i'm wondering what had happened, when it dawned on me that it was my ego that was driving me to hurt this beautiful lilly of a girl, and that i should just suck it up and ask her out, despite the most recent events. i was even talking and joking with her for a week, and we made plans to hang out when i returned. when i got into town, she wouldn't return my texts or answer my calls. i didn't consider this a big deal, and tried calling and texting her over the next couple of days, all met with the same response. i didn't hear from her until she sent me a text saying that some one had told her i was watching her sleep at the party and that we couldn't hang out anymore! and that's the last time i heard from her. at first i was upset that i lost my chance with her, but then i realized that even though she is a rare breed, if she's one in a million, there are 35 of them in california, and that if i could attract a girl like that once, i could most certainly do it again. the one time my ego is helpful, and possibly right. but i was still hurt that she wouldn't allow me a confrontation, an explanation or defense. i wasn't angry, i just wanted to know what was going on, and i didn't want to start a fight, nor cause a rift between any friends. i just wanted to know if it was true, being that i was drinking, the mere mention of it makes it a possibility, and how convicted her and her friends have been. it didn't take me long to realize that this was again my ego, wanting to know why she accused me and believed that i could do something like that! but some simple objective reasoning answered that: she had to. i forced her hand and made her. why would she choose me, the egotistical, arrogant asshole who toyed with her emotions for months, over anybody that could have said that? she couldn't. it's my idea that there is no such thing as truth; that truth is just bent to the will of popular opinion. her truth, what she chooses to believe, because it is a choice, is that i did that, and that i'm a creepy douche. and that is all that matters. i don't believe that it happened, but that's what i choose to believe, which might be controlled by my ego again. however, i am so glad to have met a person like that in my life, and that she introduced me to the wonders of the opposite sex, and the wonders that a relationship can do for me. and i'm so glad for each new day, which is a second chance to live better than you did the previous. 1st edit: i apologize for the lack of spacing, it was there in the draft, and this is my first post of this nature. as for the lack of tl;dr, as i said, i don't care if anybody reads this, i'm just venting. i've never told anybody this, and just writing it out has helped me tremendously, but here:

i'm an egotistical, arrogant douche who ruined my chance with a wonderful girl, but worse, i may have hurt her, and deserve everything that i get coming from her.

the most amazing girl

i earned it.

ordering a whole pizza for myself after hitting up the gym for the first time.

little bit of backstory. for the past few months, i have been suffering with severe ingrown toenails on my left and right big toes (due to being a compulsive picker). the left one was recently removed medically, but the one on the right "wasnt causing any immediate harm. i have to point out that it looked similar to this http://www.dermnetnz.org/hair-nails-sweat/img/s/ingrown-toenail2-s.jpg so eventually, i got tired of having to remove my sock by soaking it in a bowl of water because it kept sticking to all the gunk and was painful to just take off. so earlier today, i received an email from work telling me i had not received the promotion i had applied for. naturally, i was pissed off. i decided the best thing to do would be to take out my anger on my infected toe. first mistake. i settled down in the kitchen with my "kit" (toenail pliers, tweezers, cotton pads, alcohol) i got to work. i started by using the tweezers and the veeeery tip of the pliers to remove all the infected, dead skin. what i saw underneath changed me for life. the section nail was a yellow/green colour, and i was able to prise it up and look directly into my toe. now was the time for the heavy duty shit. i used the pliers, and started at around the centre of my toenail (the nail was pretty much dead, i didnt think i would feel anything) i started clipping down, straight to where the skin met the bottom of the nail. i used the tweezers to lift the skin and then kept clipping. once i'd got as far as i could, i used the clippers to start pulling away the nail. holy fucking nope. the nail came away easy. as i took out the nail, i noticed the swelling reducing as the nail got taken out. this was the nail that had ingrown being ripped out of the hole it had dug in my goddamn toe. i noticed the 25mm spike of toenail jutting out the side of the nail i had just removed that had started growing into my toe, causing the infection. figured it was time for clean-up. the tweezers and clippers got put in a bowl of bleach and boiling water. now to clean up my toe. i have a small spray bottle, so i filled that with warm water and sprayed to lift all the gunk. once the pus was gone, i could see a deep hole where the nail-spike had been lying. the inside was yellow. i didn't realise it would be this bad. now me, thinking i was being all badass, grabbed an old syringe i had (not the ones with sharp pointy, the sucker ones you get for kids) and filled it with the alcohol. i then squirted the alcohol down the nail-hole. oh my god, what have i done?! instant scream, like nothing i have ever experienced. after 15 minutes of hopping around with a red face trying not make the neighbors think i was being murdered, i finished cleaning up. bit down and rubbed the alcohol into the wound after i washed it out. taped down some cotton pads and went on with my day. comment if you have any questions, will try and take pics to keep you updated on my self-inflicted recovery!

decided to remove my own ingrown toenail.

so, reddit today i fucked up bad. it was really cold outside and when i went to go buy lunch and i had my hands in my pockets where they were cozy and warm. of course on the way back home i had to carry my food with one hand and like the dumbass i am i forgot my gloves. "well it can't be that cold right?" fuck no. in the time from me buying food, the temperature dropped faster than my shit this morning (of course tifu should get that :p) the cold clamped the skin on my face tighter than my butthole when i was raped...i could not feel shit. in the 3 minute walk home i alternated my hand that was holding onto the food like more times then i could count. now that shit isn't even the worst part. you know that feeling you get when it is cold and you enter your warm home and you really want to take a piss? imagine that. but with shit. the 60 degree difference was enough for my asshole to stop being so tight like the bitch it is. unfortunately i would rather not have it man up in the middle of my bedroom. now my bedroom is the warmest thing ever. and the smell? can't get that shit out. if i open the window that negative weather will kick my ass till i shit again.

forgot my gloves in negative 40 weather

okay, so i was making some fajitas for supper. i decided to add some jalapeno peppers today and try it. i was taking out the seeds in the pepper and everything went fine, the fajitas tasted delicious. except, now my fingers and burning! it's been like this for 20 minutes and it's really uncomfortable haha. i think i'll wash my hands more often when touching jalapenos next time.. i'm just going to hold onto ice cubes until i can't feel the burn anymore.

held onto jalapeno peppers for too long

so my hands were wet and the rigged cap of the super glue bottle would not cooperate me. i decided that biting down on the cap and twisting it would do it justice. i of course was wrong. i felt the cap twist and it felt so good, until i tasted the ever so delicious glue running around my mouth and making a glue lining around my tongue. my first thought was "oh my goodness my esophagus is going to be glued shut" thank goodness it wasn't but i am still peeling glue off of my gums and teeth. should i speak to a doctor?

opening a bottle of super glue with my mouth.

this happened a few nights ago, and i'm still trying to recuperate. so my friends and i had been planning this night several weeks prior and we were all really looking forward to it. but this night meant something more to me; the girl i've been interested in was coming and that was going to be the time for me to see if the feelings were mutual. i'll call her a. fast forward to about 6:30, 1 and a half hours before the ballroom opens. i'm at tacobell, eating more food than i should with a friend who's coming with me to the dancing. afterwards we head back to my place, hang out for a bit, and then get dressed for the night. right as i put on my slacks i know something is wrong. i haven't worn these in the longest time, and they completely constrict my lower intestine. i hear my gut gurgle, but despite my better judgement, i ignore it. fast forward, i'm at the ballroom and having a fun time, and it is packed with people. having nothing in my bowels act up except for the slight discomfort of tight slacks, i decide it's now or never, and i go walk up to a. i ask her to dance and she gladly obliges. i've gone swing dancing before, so i begin to impress her with some of the dance moves i know. i then go to show her my favorite move, the pretzel, which includes some twisting of the arms and body plus a dip at the end i like to include. well, me being in the heat of the moment, i forget how tight the slacks are above my waist and i dip her. the dip then causes me to lean forward, causing the tight slacks to push immensely onto my lower intestine, causing 4 grande burritos worth of slimy shit to seep out my of ass and down my legs. at this point i froze, still holding a in dipped position. she can tell something is wrong and asked "powerpython, what happened?" without thinking i drop her and quickly shuffle out of the ball room, leaving a trail of wet shit behind me. i hear her retch loudly over the music playing. i just drove home. i heard from my friends that they had to stop the dance and clean it up. i'll never know if the feelings were mutual.

i ate a lot of tacobell, and ended up shitting myself while dancing with a girl i like.

eating tacobell before swing dancing

today my apartment's cold water had to be turned off due to mysterious reasons. everything was fine until the moment i was going to take a shower - you know, it's wednesday, time for my weekly bath. i completely forgot about the lack of cold water, don't ask me how. i was showering normally and thinking about life, the universe, and everything, but i realized something was wrong. i felt a strong smell of something burning, like the smell of a strong incense or of coal burning. i got out of the bathroom, and with the sudden change of temperature i realized how damn hot my shower was. i did not feel how hot the water was while on the bathroom, maybe due to the [boiled frog theory](http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/jamesfallows/tolesfrog.gif), so after leaving the sauna i was in i realized that my body felt like a match being lit. sorry for the crappy analogy. i then realized that the "burning" smell came from the bathroom's wall; turned out i almost burned the pipes that stored water due to the excessive heat. after such near death experience, i had a second near-death experience when my parents realized that i almost burned my apartment. and all i wanted was having a relaxing shower.

almost blowing up my bathroom and burning myself.

i actually did this 2 days ago. i put a potato in the microwave, and used the potato shortcut button. i hit the button once, for quantity 1, and hit start. i didn't think about the fact that i was cooking a small, red potato, and not the standard russet that the microwave was probably programmed for. i walked away. potato caught on fire in the microwave. the microwave appears to be undamaged, but there is an unholy smell emanating from that entire corner of the kitchen. 2 days later.

microwaving a potato.

i was sitting across the room from my husband, both of us playing on around on our phones, when i decided it would be a good idea to send him a naughty photo i took for him. i was feeling a little frisky, so i immediately opened up my text message icon and inserted the photo and sent the photo. i closed the screen and suddenly realized that the last person i texted was my very religious mother instead of my husband. i panicked! i started turning bright red and pacing back and forth in the living room trying to figure out how to undo the text. i sent her a text that read "please delete that, it was meant for [husband]." i explained to my husband what i did and he took my phone from me. thank goodness for 3g because the picture hadn't sent yet, so he turned the phone into airplane mode and then deleted the pending text. my mother texted me back about an hour later and asked me what she needed to delete. my husband still gave me some because he thought it was hilarious that i was trying to turn him on and accidentally sent it to my mom.

i sent the naughty picture to my mother instead of husband, still got laid.

almost sending a very naughty photo to my mother via text.

i'm a sophomore in college, and during the spring my school usually has a lot of tours for prospective students. now i'm a huge sports fan (especially hockey) so my eyes are naturally drawn to t-shirts with sports logos on them. so i'm leaving my building this morning and on my way to fencing i see my friend leading a tour group. so we wave to each other and the group notices me. then as i'm walking past them i notice this girl in the group wearing a calgary flames t-shirt. my mind races for a moment: i love seeing hockey shirts, regardless of the team, and seeing a flames shirt in washington, d.c. is like seeing an asian nfl player. to make it worse, she customized it so that what was a normal flames shirt became midriff city (where the navel's out and the hips are pretty), and was cut to show some cleavage (nothing slutty, just a little more revealing). she was decently stacked, and the reason i know this is because when i see a logo i tend to stare at it until i'm out of eyesight, i promise i wasn't eying her up for anything else but the flames logo. well i guess i looked a little too long for the likes of the older gentleman standing behind her (i would guess her father) because he makes a very clear sound of surprise and disgust at my staring. i don't say anything because what the hell could i say? "no i was just looking the the flames logo sir, i wasn't checking out your teenage daughter, i swear!" but his noise was loud enough to catch the attention of my friend (guiding the tour) and so she looks at me. i just keep walking. but i'm a big enough moron to fuck up just a little more. see now that i've identified this shirt as a shirt with a player's name on it, i just had to know which player it was. so, instinctively i turn to see the player name and number, thinking maybe it was just an awkward moment that's passed. nope, dad's still staring me down, even more ticked that i'm looking at his daughter's back. i look up at my friend amd she shoots me a quick shocked, confused look. i'll have to explain to her later that i am not, in fact, into high school girls. the player was miikka kiprusoff.

"checking out" a high school girl

thought i would make my sleeping situation better with a bit of freshing up. little did i know the horror that awaited after the spin cycle. a goose was murdered here! the casing was obliterated feathers, feathers, all over the room. the sick anticipation of waiting until my wife sees... update i think i have figured out the photo thing. all cleaned up as well. http://imgur.com/jt7dbno http://imgur.com/16ys66l http://imgur.com/rhzmalr

washing a pillow.

beforehand, as a non native speaker i'm sorry for my poor english. corrections welcomed. back in december 2012, i had a shitty job that i was leaving. i already updated my résumé a few month earlier and showed it to my friends to check spelling, grammar & everything else. i was very confident that my résumé was perfect. when my contract actually ended, i just changed the dates of my last work experience : it was "september 2011 - now" and i changed "now" to january. i sent my pdf résumé to a lot of companies, and uploaded it to many job offers on different websites. and i know that europe is going through hard times, but i had even less feedback than i expected from them (and i didn't expect much). after some other events (family problems) i *finally* got an interview in a company recently. the guy ask me about my previous work experience. i tell him. he looks on my résumé he had printed and answers: "you said your contract ended in january 2013 ? on your résumé it is written january 2012..." only at this moment i realized that nobody ever checked my résumé after i changed the last dates, and even myself never really had a good look at it from this moment. i used the pdf file without opening it as an attachment in e-mails, or uploading it on websites. i was very confident that my friends checked every mistake, and of course the fact that i could screw up the fucking years on it never crossed my mind.

i have screwed up the dates on my résumé, so companies thought that i was unemployed for more than a year (instead of a few weeks) and i didn't notice for 3 months. i feel very stupid about it now.

my job applications

my now ex ( we can call her g ) and i have been together on and off for 6 years. we have 2 little girls. one is mine and she is almost 4. the other is not mine and is almost 10 months. our new house is very nice compared to the old one. we were hoping that itwould fix our problems. after 2 weeks in the new house i told her that i couldnt marry her bc of our bad past ( she has cheated on me several times many years ago) she was heart broken and i did not realize what i had done. she had no where to go so i got her a very nice place and spent alot of money making sure she had everything she needed. i was happy and exited and so was she. this actually all took place last friday so im sorry i just need to talk. my first night alone i realized how bad i missed her beautiful smooth warm body next to mine and now i realize that the past is the past and i dont care if she cheated on me bc i love her so much and i want to keep out little family together. saturday night the only thing i could do to drown out the sadness was go to the pub and drink. i felt better when i got back home but when i woke up i felt like shit again. now every morning when i get off work and come home to a empty house i just want to burst out in tears. if i would have known i was going to feel this way then i would not have done this. i love her so much and literally every time i go to sleep i dream about her. idk what to do anymore.

tifu< i spent $1,000 breaking up with my gf moving her into her own house>

the thread below from /r/askreddit made me think of this story. it's over 3,000 comments deep, but i still wanted to share the wisdom we gained that day without it getting buried. i figured you guys would like this. **warning : it's a long one!** i'll break it into two parts, my fuck up, and the one the other guys did that made everyone forget about my drunken episode. this happened several years ago. my brother and i were at a large nerd convention (ya know, the ones where you can say "i need a storm trooper" and a dozen will come running?). we had been coming to this convention for about 3 years or so and were getting pretty comfortable with our routine. friday and saturday night was drunken werewolf night, and sunday was hangover and recovery day. for those of you know haven't played werewolf, think of the game heads up seven up from when you were in elementary school, then add werewolves and lynchmobs. villagers try to hang all the werewolves, and the werewolves try to eat all the villagers. the villagers usually just end up hanging each other. great game for former drama students. so on the saturday night, each of us grab a 6-pack and head down to the basement of the hotel where there is about 500 people playing various games. about 100 were playing werewolf, in about 5 different circles. we get social and start making friends with our booze. other people have booze, and we start trading. after a lot of crown royal and each of us downing a 6-pack, one of our new "friends" offers us some 'mystery booze.' he explained what it was - strega. apparently it's some italian thing with like 76 different ingredients. it tasted like mouthwash with a burning kick in the throat afterwards. i drank a couple shots, but my brother took a lot more. his reasoning was "well i traded one from my 6-pack, and so that was like $3 worth, so i deserve more!" i watched him chug at least 6 shots out of this thing, barely taking a breath. fast forward about 10 minutes. we're playing werewolf, and i can tell that i'm being waaaaaaaay too obnoxious, and everyone wishes that i would leave. except for the guy sitting next to me, apparently (this was the guy with the strega). when "nighttime" comes and the village goes to sleep (we all lower our heads to simulate sleeping), he reaches over and grabs my cock. i think i handled it very well. i just gently removed his hand and said "dude, there's kids here..." i didn't want to embarrass the guy and it was kinda my fault (apparently i give off a really gay vibe when i'm this drunk), i have a lot of gay friends and i know it's hard (heheh, phrasing) to find similarly minded people, so when the villagers decided to lynch me that night i drunkenly excused myself and left the game. the guy ended up leaving with his, now empty, bottle of booze. this caused me to miss what happened next. from my side of the room, i hear a splash and see about 20 people all stand up in unison, perform a perfectly in-synch 180, and jog away from the scene with a giant "nope" look on all their faces. my brother had puked all over the game area. with no other players remaining, he declared victory for the werewolves. 15 minutes later, we're in the bathroom, and i'm telling him all the disgusting things i can think of to get him to throw up more. these include things like, "hey, let's go upstairs and get an ashtray sandwich!" or "just think about going down on mom..." that one worked really well... somewhere i have a video of him crying while puking and proclaiming "stop, i'm vomiting tears!" with the help of one of the convention volunteers, we make it back to our rooms, where i pass out next to the door for about an hour. i finally make it to bed around 6am, and sleep straight though to 2pm. i awake to the worst hangover of my life. i had to pound several energy drinks to get rid of the headache, but by 6pm or so i'm good. my brother apparently had a similar experience in his room. we decided not to continue our werewolf games on sunday, and kept ourselves from even showing our faces in the game room for the rest of the convention. ** **part 2** - on monday, we're getting ready to leave the convention and we run into one of the guys that helped us out when we were both puking. he told us that everyone completely forgot about saturday night because of what happened the next night. 11pm or so, sunday night, down in the game room there were these two drunk guys. they're being real assholes and are asked to leave the game. they finally give in and get up, only to stick around because the one guy's gf showed up. he picks her up, throws her on the table, lifts her skirt and starts doin it right there... in front of a mixed crowd with ages ranging from 8 to 60. apparently that's the line at this particular convention. the con's security escorts them upstairs where the one guy is threatening to beat the shit out of the hotel manager, while the other declares that "you can't hold us, i'm in the military!" so the security guy asks for their military ids. he writes down the information and informs them that he'll be calling their cos. the guys start freaking out. security takes them out back into this little courtyard area while they wait for the head of security to show up. guy starts picking up gravel and throwing it at the windows of the hotel. he finally crossed the line when he took a chair and tried to pry to fire door open with one of the legs. this set off the fire alarm. turns out that the fire department was already there, finishing up after a fire in the elevator on the 26th floor. with that, the cops got involved. **tl:dr** - drunk guy fucks his gf in front of an 8 year old. gets fire department, cops, and his co called on him.

** - drank mystery booze, got groped, and my brother won a game by puking. don't drink strega!!!

drinking from an unmarked bottle

so i'm on my iphone browsing porn sites for a good video. keep in mind that i like to have my shorts down while i'm under the blankets when i'm looking for a video to bank one too. but anyway, my brother knocks on the door and i go down to unlock the door for him. so he's in the house, and i'm upstairs in the covers with my pants down looking for a video with a huge boner. all of a sudden he comes into my room, with my two dogs with him high and trys to have a conversation with me about the boston bombs and how it makes him want to call the family. keep in mind i'm under the blankets with no shorts on while two dogs are running around and my brother rambling on. i guess one of the dogs got really hyper or something, because it then jumps on the bed and steps its huge and powerful boxer paw right on my ball sack. all while my brother is rambling on and i'm just sitting in the blankets with no shorts on. the next thing he does is calls my grandma and tells her i want to talk to her. so now i'm talking to my grandmother with my pants down with a stepped on ballsack. you will never know the shame. after what felt like forever he finally left and took the dogs with him. that is my tifu.

trying to spank one out while my brother is home high and talking to my grandmother with no pants on

okay so this morning i got up late for class and decided that i could skip a shower and just do the ol' wet-my-hair-down-and-put-a-shit-ton-of-deodorant-on-to-make-it-seem-like-i-showered. it worked well enough and my day went on normally. after class i get a text from my new-ish hot girlfriend (almost a month) asking me if i wanted to go on a dinner date. hell yes! with this girl, if i pay for dinner and she has a good time, she gets my man gravy for dessert if you know what i mean. anyway, it's about half an hour before i have to go and pick her up and i figure that i should do a pre-date shit so i don't end up in the bathroom at the restaurant for 45 minutes because i had a double baconator for lunch (i know, fuck my fat ass...). so i'm sitting on the toilet and i scratch my balls and do a sniff test like everyone does when they take a shit. not fucking good. my scrotum smelt of aged swiss cheese from a fancy-pants gourmet restaurant. i was thinking, "shit! she's not going to want a hunk of floppy swiss in her mouth, not without wine! and i don't have enough time for a shower!" so i do the most logical thing of course, i grab the bottle of febreze next to the toilet and spray it on my dick. ya done fucked up now m0t0rb04t! i had a boner from thinking of the blowie i was going to receive later, so my pee-hole was wide open. as the febreze dripped down my shaft shoot, it felt like a thousand needles. this was supposed to be lavender and vanilla comfort, not vanilla fire! i tried to force some piss out to try and wash it out but that hurt 100 times more. my eyes were watering and i was trying my hardest not to scream; it was the worst pain ever! so i ended up cancelling the date because "i really had to work on homework." she kinda got pissed but whatever, there was no way i was going to blow my febreze load on her face tonight.

i missed out on a blow job because i sprayed febreze down my urethra.

febreze-ing my dick

this wasn't today but last thursday. i was asked to join a new group of friends for drinks. i haven't drank alcohol for about a month for various reasons and i was very behind on sleep, but i still wanted to join them. so the night starts off normal until i decide to stop mixing my drinks and pouring straight admiral nelson. i must have misjudged my tolerance and blacked out halfway through the night...which has never happened to me. apparently i had filled up my cup two more times after blacking out, and ended up puking the night away. i now owe a handle of admiral and left my dignity on the bathroom floor where i sat butt-naked for the night..

new acquaintances, drink silly amounts of alcohol, made a great first impression and have initiated myself into the group by getting plastered. now owe a handle of admiral, and am nicknamed 180.

getting too drunk

so i went to dollar tree, and bought a bunch of average sized happy-face balloons for a friend. i also bought some other random items. after paying and inflating my balloons, i walked out to my car. i put the three balloons in my trunk, and left the trunk half open to put the rest of my bags in there as well. i turn and pick up a bag from my cart, and when i turn around, the balloons were gone. great, i thought, they must have flown away. i look to the sky and can't see them anywhere. that's when i realize they are tangled in the back wheel of a camry and the spare tire of a jeep that were driving through the parking lot. i quickly ran over to the two stopped and likely very confused cars and started to frantically try and peel off the balloons. both drivers got out and looked at what was attached to their vehicles, the camry owner with an upset look on his face, and the woman driving the jeep offering to help more and trying to contain laughter at the situation. i just kept apologizing profusely, hoping neither driver would be too upset by the whole ordeal. after successfully wrangling the balloons into my trunk once more, i quickly put the rest of my bags away (with the trunk fully closed this time) and drove away half-shocked and half-laughing at how stupid i was.

purchasing balloons.

so i would like to go ahead and apologize to my asshole for whats going to happen to it a number of hours after i eat dinner. i had everything going nicely and wasnt paying attention and opened the wrong flap on the curry container. what was supposed to be a sprinkle was a landslide. i stopped it pretty quickly but a huge amount of curry had already gone in and i had minutes before liberally dosed the pan with sriracha. it smells and tastes too good to waste and the people i am cooking for are pretty hungry so we decided to sack up and eat it. i apologize in advance asshole, old buddy. this one is going to hurt.

i opened the wrong end of the curry container while making dinner.

this is my first time submitting a post to reddit, so bear with me as i no doubt make an arse of the formatting. i'm also warning you that this post is fucking horrible and involves not only a lot of blood where it shouldn't be, but a detailed description of my penis-cleaning procedure.  i keep some baby wipes in the bathroom. they make wiping after a hefty shit a breeze, and i like to use them to give the old cock a good wipe after taking a piss. you know, for that extra minty freshness. it was 23:30. nature called, and i answered. i pulled my skin far back for a good clean, and thought nothing of it, as it wasn't out of the ordinary for me. my cock is battle hardened — it can take some punishment.  drip.  i looked down to find a nice little drop of blood about two centimetres in diameter. and then another. and then another. and they just kept coming. it was none of your watery papercut blood — this was thick and dark crimson. it meant business. i was now powering through the wipes at an alarming rate, with one hand trying to stop the flood in vain, and the other furiously wiping the floor. and it just wouldn't stop. the bleeding continued for several minutes, with my toilet looking like a really creative murder scene. the floor was still covered. my hands were a lost cause. the toilet still had some lingering blood creeping around even after several flushes.  the bleeding finally slowed enough for me to get a good look at the damage. i guess i was just too harsh with my cleaning, as that little line of skin on the underside of the head was bearing a sizeable tear. i don't know how much blood i lost, but my penis was looking awfully pale by the end of the ordeal. i ended up cleaning most of the bathroom so not as to risk being discovered, before heading to bed wearing the darkest coloured boxer-briefs i could find. bathroom-related bleeding is something you never want to share. well, except for with the entire internet! 

i had a penis period.

tearing my penis and bleeding all over my bathroom

last night, by boyfriend and i got a pizza, and when we got back, i took the the pizza upstairs while he went to park the car. his designated lot is a good 15 minute walk from my complex, so i was left with the challenge of keeping the pizza warm while i waited for him to return. no problem, i would just put the oven on warm and place the pizza inside. i'd done it a thousand times at my parents house, so i didn't think this would be any different. here's the catch: this is a dorm apartment, and the oven is half the size of a normal oven. here's the other catch: the buildings is close to 40 years old, so this oven also happens to be gas. perhaps you see where this is going, because i didn't. since the oven is small, and the pizza box covered the entire shelf from end to end, the sides of the box that were touching the inside of the oven proceeded to burn, smolder, and - when i noticed the smoke and removed the box from the oven - catch fire. i began frantically snuffing the fire out with various oven mitts and kitchen cloths whilst praying that the flame didn't ignite any residual grease that might be present on my stove top. fortunately, it didn't. i eventually got the fire out, leaving a carpet of cardboard ash all over my kitchen floor and i was now faced with a new problem. the smoke. my tiny apartment was now filled from wall to wall with smoke. (as we all know, cardboard is one of the smokiest flammable substances on the planet). i'm very small, and i'm now rushing about, scrambling to move furniture away from the windows because some genius designed them without a screen and to open toward the inside. all the while, i'm choking on smoke, and my eyes are watering so bad its hard to see. at this point, i'm now beginning to panic that at any moment, my smoke alarm is going to go off, which, were this to happen, would succeed in evacuating the entire complex, and end in me paying a large fee to the university, and probably one to the fire department as well. to add to this, i have a large number of empty alcohol bottles waiting to go out and larger number of full ones in my fridge. being a dry campus and me being only 20 years old, this could also cause termination to my housing contract. surely, these containers would be discovered upon investigation of the cause for alarm. (usually no ra ever even visits my floor, and the room is only inspected once per semester for safety). fortunately for me, the smoke alarm in my apartment is located in the bedroom, and i managed to air the place out without causing it to go off. i was lucky enough to survive the ordeal with nothing but an ashy kitchen, a burnt throat (it still hurts a little to breath in too deeply), and an apartment in which everything smells very pungently of smoke (this is the best part, because my clothes now all smell like a campfire). somehow, in a very lucky turn of events, the pizza was okay.

tried to warm a pizza, smoked out my entire apartment.

almost setting my apartment on fire.

so i just got my brand new samsung gs3, and he has some sony blu-ray player. well, apparently there is a new technology that allows you to stream media from your phone to the player over wireless. here's what happened: i was rather horny and decided to visit /r/gonewild for my 2nd time. i was going to post, so i took 5 pictures of myself and a short video of myself undressing and then playing with myself. i took the pictures and video, and was trying to upload them. now, this is the first time i've tried to upload pictures on my phone. so, i pressed something on my phone that said something along the lines of "share", and, nothing happened. at least on my end. that's when i gave up on doing it over wifi and decided to plug my phone in. as i upload them to my computer with the usb cable, i flip through the photos again and then play the video. the video was the last thing that plays, and is the only thing that shows my face. i had planned on editing that when i got it uploaded to my computer. well, turns out that whatever i do in the pictures or videos is what streams on his player. so, he knocks on my door, tells me to go look at his tv, and i nearly die in horror. i explain myself, he laughs hysterically, and i haven't talked to him since.

streaming a series of naked pictures of myself to my older brother's tv. nsfw

my first post on reddit and it's in tifu. figures. so this actually happened yesterday, but since it was less than 24 hours ago i figured it still counts. i left my apartment to go pick up my kid and do some shopping for a sick friend. as i was pulling out of my complex, i realized that i forgotten my phone. seeing as though i was still in the parking lot, i pulled around and rather than park in a space, i decided to leave my car running behind a few cars parked in front of my building. now, recently my car has been doing this things where the electric locks (which have been fried for a while) have been randomly engaging while i drive. this wouldn't be too much of a problem except that the lock mechanism itself in the drivers side door is screwed up so its really hard to unlock from inside. so i unlock my door, get out of the car and shut the door behind me. then thinking better of it, i decide to leave the door open a little so it doesn't randomly lock me out. it was too late. i was locked out of my car for 90 minutes, and the whole time the engine was running. my kid ended up having to get a ride home with her friend and i was late to pick up my gf. stupid locks.

shut the locked door (that i thought was unlocked) with keys in the ignition and car running, waited 90 minutes to get it unlocked.

locking my keys in my car... while it was running.

a few days ago i spilled a beer on the keyboard and broke the w,1,2,tab key, and til also the brightness up key. great start to the day.

turning down the brightness on my laptop.

well, it was actually saturday, so...sorry. but my boyfriend's sleeping so now's when i'm typing it out. sometimes i go to my boyfriend's gym with him (mostly because there are dogs there) and saturday was one such day. at this gym, i've become the resident doggy daycare provider, because there's not much else for me to do there besides love dogs and reddit on my phone. and after a few hours, my phone dies. so i'm with the dogs, and there's a water bowl out 'cause they're in the sun. i guess i leaned over weird while i had my phone in my lap, because that shit fell into the water bowl. a couple of, "oh, shit"s were had before i realized i should probably dry my phone off with paper towels, not the dog's bed. it was going to be a few hours before we could get home and put my phone in rice, so i left it in the sun, hoping any water in the phone would evaporate. several of hours and most of the rice my boyfriend found later, i decided i should open up my phone so i could *really* dry that shit out--there was condensation on the camera lens earlier. shit, the screws on my phone are really fucking tiny. also, i don't think i'm supposed to do this. fuck it. search around the whole fucking kitchen looking for screwdrivers, because i swear to god, we used to have a whole bag full of fucking screwdrivers. no dice. text and call my mom, "where the fuck are our fucking screwdrivers?" (paraphrased), but no reply. well, the junk drawer ended up having some shitty screwdrivers tiny enough, but they were so shitty that they stripped the screws more than anything. i google how to diy a screwdriver, because i remember that that's a thing. apparently, it actually isn't, so i glance over something about melting pens. disclaimer: i probably misremembered the instructions, and didn't follow them correctly, but holy shit, **that didn't fucking work.** melted pens are really shitty screwdrivers. also, i'm kind of a pyromaniac. so i give up and put my phone's parts back in the rice for the night so i can play with fire. (this is a huge mistake.) firstly, i'm playing with a lighter on my bed. my bed that i suspect is highly flammable, and which is under a broken smoke alarm. and the thing i'm setting on fire is *plastic*. at first, i was pretty quick to blow out the fire on the pen, but soon i grew careless. and really fucking hot plastic dripped onto my finger. ooooohhhhhh my god. molten plastic bonding with your skin is not at all pleasant, not in the slightest. it wasn't even a large burn, and it still required vigilant icing throughout the night. such pain when i let the ice melt...it felt like my finger was still on fire. i didn't get to have sex that night, either. two days later and i have a gross blister next to a knuckle, but my phone's seemingly okay so far. bonus: [my blister](http://i.imgur.com/fhsjsri.jpg) in its current state, [ella](http://i.imgur.com/b7n2rte.jpg) splooting, and [abby](http://i.imgur.com/bktskaf.jpg) snoozing.

being clumsy near water and fire.

so i've been taking some laxatives because i've been constipated lately. they've been making me fart a whole lot. today i decided it would be a good idea to hold them in, so after a few hours i would let a massive one out. nope. when i was in bed, and about to sleep i feel it coming out. i grunt and next thing you know i feel to what i thought was piss all over my legs / my ass. then it hit me.. it wasn't piss. it was diarrhea. i was lucky that it went on my boxers / the inside of my pajama pants and not all over the bed. it was running down my leg and it was all over the floor but not on my bed.

holding in a lot of small farts to make a big one.

this was on australia day but that wasn't long ago. we are drinking to celebrate our overtaking of this great southern land and we are in the pool (awesome in ground one, 2 metres deep). i invent a new drinking game where you take your bottle of beer, hold it in your mouth and have to swim underwater to the other side and then finish it off when you submerge. it was awesome, went without a hitch! no pool water got in and i was a hero. i got cocky and went for a return pass to the other side, this time i didn't take as much care (hell it worked last time so its a sure thing) and i think quite a bit of pool water got in. all was hilarious and we kept drinking. fast forward to the night and i had stomach cramps to the point where i nearly shit the bed (doesn't matter if i did anyways, counter is still 0000). there were some close calls but there were many trips to the bathroom. i'm fine now but it was an awful night.

invented a game where you swim underwater with your beer. drank some pool water, liquid shit all night.

inventing a drinking game called "the snorkel"

(this was last night, around 3am) so, here's the scene: i'm in the kitchen, making bacon and spaghetti when all of the sudden, i feel the need to urinate. my bathroom was farther than my kitchen sink, and being the logical person i am, i decide that the only possible choice i have is to pee into the sink. i yank my boxers down and hop up onto the sink, positioning my buns as comfortably as possible on the cold, damp surface. i get a good steady pee-flow goin' when i hear this terrifying sound, or at least what my sleep deprived 3am brain would classify as terrifying, so i jump from the sink (boxers still around my ankles, and still peeing) as if i was trying to protect myself, when i realize it was the automatic air-freshener going off. i fall onto the floor with a loud thud, which awakens my mother who storms into the kitchen while barely awake, to find her child half naked and still peeing on the kitchen floor. she calmly examines the scene, taking in the scent of bacon and spaghetti and sighing thoughtfully, before looking at me disdainfully once more and returning to bed. shamefully, i eat the food and return to my bedroom.

pissing all over my kitchen

(long but worth a read) so i'm in grade 12 chemistry class and as a part of our final independent study project (isu) each of us was to choose a pre-designed experiment that was deemed a 'magic trick' and perform it for a class of grade 9 students. my magic trick was called methane bubbles. link to an example for those of you who are unfamiliar with the experiment, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqxonsakr6y this was also done on mythbusters i believe. anyway, i was practising the experiment at lunchtime when a very large group of bubbles was caught up on the ceiling, but these were from a girl not in my class who had selected the same project. being the gentleman that i am i decided to go light them for her. when the supervising teacher saw what i was about to do he sort of mumbled 'yeah you could do that i guess' without really looking. so i lit it on fire and this massive fireball radiated out along the ceiling, maybe 6 feet in diameter, i could feel the heat from it. just as the 30 some odd people let out a collective 'ahhh' admiring my work, black water explodes out of the ceiling and starts spraying everywhere, the fire alarm goes off. as some people are getting sprayed with the mysterious black water, a panic ensues and the teacher who ok'ed the thing yells "everyone get out", the funny thing was that he was probably the second person out of the room. the whole school (~1200 people, less at lunch) is evacuated (people seemed extra pissed off) and it was -20 c outside and there was a wind chill. fire and emt crew show up and enter the school. as i am standing outside watching it all unfold i see the ambulance leave for the hospital with two people in it. the people outside are ordered to move to a nearby recreation centre to stay warm (most of them didn't have their coats) but part of the school was reopened half an hour later. none of my afternoon classes started after a while so i went home feeling guilty and excited. for the rest of the day i would occasionally break out into laughter just thinking about it. my dad asked me how my day was when he got home. when i said 'i sort of set the school on fire', well, the look on his face was priceless. the next day i find out about the people who went to the hospital. one was my physics teacher who had a panic/asthma attack during the whole thing and the other was a guy who was in the room at the time but accidentally spilled fake blood and hydrogen peroxide on his face (part of his magic trick he was practising) seconds before my explosion went off. you can see why the physics teacher freaked out. both of them are fine now. i also found out that the science rooms had been flooded in about a foot of water which leaked below into the library destroying most of the ceiling tiles but no books or computers. i was deemed a hero by some who had tests postponed and the magic tricks were never performed. i haven't heard the official ruling on what exactly went wrong but the water was black because it was rusty from the sprinkler system. neither myself nor my chemistry teacher are in trouble because it was a ministry approved experiment. i was a bad idea on my part anyway. i write my chem exam tomorrow, i'm certain that i'll lose crappy marks, i talked to my teacher actually and we are on good terms. on a side note, there is no foreseeable end to the 'don't set that on fire' jokes. edit: paragraph spacing

my chem experiment gone wrong breaks the ceiling, evacuates school in -20 c weather, floods several rooms and the library and sends 2 people to the hospital during lunchbreak (worth read for the story behind it)

sort of/almost setting my high school on fire.

i went skiing today i am an avid skier (i ski backwards better then most can ski forwards) anyway i was on a green beginner slope headed back to the lodge when a snowboarder fell to my right his friend fell over him landing on my skis sending me over the side on at least a 15 foot flight over the side of the trail (8ft drop off the side vertical) causing me to land on my shoulder and dislocate it and tear the ligaments my friend who was behind me on the trail assumed i took off and left him behind sped up so i had to climb out with my skis and poles. on the plus side skiing one armed to the bottom lift was fun haha!!

well now i'm in pain anyway....

i was sat having coffee with a friend when i heard gasps, a lady yelled "bring ice, the baby fell out the chair!" everyone stood up or turned around to see if the baby was okay and i just sat there laughing. i didn't think to hide it, and i couldn't stop. my friend is shocked at me laughing which made me worse. the lady on the next table heard and gave me the biggest glare. if looks could kill i would have been a red smudge. we decided to leave pretty soon after. the baby was fine, didn't really cry much. even typing this is making me snigger and giggle. edit: snigger is a variation of the word snicker.

laughing when a baby fell out a high chair in public

i should not have done that. i am not enriched by what i found there.

reading my so's post history

so, i walked into the local waffle house (a campy yet delicious diner chain). the first thing i do when i walk into any waffle house is immediately highjack the jukebox. the selection on this particular jukebox was utter crap, so i idly flipped through and land on ccr - fortunate son. i turned around, and found a man standing right behind me. he stared death at me. he was wearing a "vietnam veteran" hat, and didn't seem to share my enthusiasm for john fogerty.

with the help of creedence clearwater revival

i had the day off today, so i decided to help my dad out and cut the grass while he was at work. i was having a dandy time until i noticed the grass shaking and moving a little in front of me. so i shut off the mower and investigate to find three or four baby birds in the grass. i'm no expert on birds, but these guys didn't even have all their feathers yet, so they must've been pretty young. i'm guessing their nest fell out of a nearby tree or something, and they happened to be stranded in front of my mowing path. against what many of you may say, i picked them up and moved them in hopes the mother would find them. by the time i was finished the babies were safely on the back patio and i searched around and under my mower for any more stragglers. i spent a good ten minutes looking before i got back on the mower and started it up, and turned the blades on. carnage. it sounded like i ran over a branch, but then realized when the chute was speckled with blood and there were several pieces of baby bird strewn about that it wasn't a branch at all. also, the others are no where to be found. i'm hoping they didn't suffer a comparable fate as their sibling.

killing a baby bird with my lawnmower

so today i woke up with a nice fresh copy of linux installed on a 20gig partition; the fruits of last night's labours. lovely. except it wasn't. booting up broke the partition for some reason, so i erased it and started to install from scratch, unfortunately forgetting to again create the 20gig partition for linux to run on. low and behold, the checkbox previously labelled 'install ubuntu alongside osx' was now 'replace osx with ubuntu'. i hit continue without thinking and boom, 180gb of work gone. time for a beer.

deleting my entire hard drive.

last night i was at a friend's house with a couple of buddies. we were drinking and hanging out having a guy's night. after a few beers we got to talking about pepper spray (somehow) and my buddy said he had a can in his car. so for $20 i decided to let them spray me with it. i can now confirm that yes, it indeed does hurt. fast forward to today; my girlfriend surprises me by coming over in the morning and suggesting a rendezvous in the shower. without hesitation i accept the offer. in the shower making fun time when my face starts to burn a little bit. midly irritated, i wonder what it is but continue anyway. midway through she stops and starts freaking out about her hooha burning. turns out that pepper spray stays in some of your pores after you get sprayed and reacts with water after it gets wet again. the shower had washed it out of my pores and down my body to my genitals.

having sex after getting pepper sprayed.

so as i was turning to leave the building, i saw that there was a path that lead out of the school a bit quicker. thinking nothing of it, i went that way and exited faster than normal. as i'm walking down the cement path, i pull out my earbuds to untangle them as i walk, considering i enjoy listening to music as i make my way home. lo and behold, i end up tripping on a small crack. i shrug it off, and end up getting home, where upon i fall asleep. fast-forward a couple hours and i wake up, only to find that my knee has worsened. as of now i can't straighten the knee, there is major swelling, and i can't weight on it. i have been iceing it and am planning on going to the doctor's in a little while. i am suspicious it is a torn ligament, but i wouldn't be surprisedif it is something else.

leaving my school the quick way

(took place last week) i went over to the suite of my good friend/occasional hookup partner to pick up a book i had lent her. she wasn't there and i really had to shit so i used the bathroom in her suite. naturally i played a few turns in words with friends while i pooped. i stood up to wipe and put my phone on the toilet paper dispenser when someone played their turn, causing my phone to vibrate and promptly fall into the toilet. i quickly rescued my phone from the shitwater and immediately opened it up to see if i could rescue it. i then ran into her room and panickedly threw the pieces of the phone on the first flat surface i could find, which happened to be her bed. she had returned while i was shitting, and i was only halfway through my explanation when she realized that shitwater (i can confirm that this phone smelled fucking foul) was staining her bed, whereupon she kicked me in the balls, pushed me out of the room, and locked the door. and that's the story of how i found out she was extremely germaphobic. edit: punctuation sucks

; i drowned my phone in shitwater and threw it on a poor girl's bed.

playing words with friends

i was golfing, and a fat heard of mallards were relaxing by the green about 176 yards out. i have played this hole many times before, and am pretty confident i can hit the green. 'thwack' i send the ball off, my hands hurt from a slight vibration, which means my ball wasn't going where i wanted it to. all of a sudden i see a lone bird freak out, jump, try to fly, and then fall. the other green headed bastards nearly trample him trying to get to the nearest little pond, about twenty feet to the right. he makes it to the water with his mallard friends, only to drop his head under the murky water, unconscious, to die. i drove up to my ball, which was resting near the edge of the green, and finished the hole.

today i hit a mallard with a golf ball from about 160 yards out, causing it to pass out in the water and die amongst a huge group of other ducks.

killing a mallard.

today i bumped into a family friend who i don't know very well but is close with cousins, family members etc. we got chatting and he casually asked me how my mum/dad was doing. being the honest person i am, i explained to him that my dad had just been laid off from a company he did long term i.t. management for because the company found another i.t. team. in my excitement i also felt it necessary to voice my opinion and tell him that the new team would probably be s**t and the company would struggle without my dad. later that afternoon my parents came home and i told them that i had run into said person and had a good chat with him. mum asked "what kind of things did you talk about in particular?" and i mentioned the above. dad turned bright red and said to me in a extremely awkward voice "that boys dad is the boss of the company i just left. he was the one who hired me all those years ago". the boy keeps attempting to add me on facebook but i can't imagine replying to him out of complete embarrassment and shame!

for opening my god dam mouth

there are a few main people in this story; me, james, and xavier, austin, brian, and zack the story of october 19th: (tl;dr at the end) it all started out six months ago with my group of friends at my school on a monday morning. the whole group was there (the names listed above) and james had just gotten to school. he comes up to the group and tells us "i can't wait until october 19th". no one in the group knew what this met at all, and throughout the week, james kept on repeating "october 19th, i can't wait". we'd ask him "james, what the fuck happens on october 19th?" and he wouldn't tell us. he would just say things like "you'll see. you'll all see'" because james kept saying all these things over and over about october 19th, we decide to start making an inside joke with me and my friends that james is gonna shoot up the school, james is gonna bring a gun to school, stuff along those lines. we never said it to anyone outside the group ever. fast forward to the afternoon of october 18th. xavier and austin ride the same bus home, so they sit together everyday on the ride home. sitting behind them was a freshmen girl, who over heard what xavier and austin were saying about james and about the next day, but it was all still an inside joke with me and my friends. that freshmen girl went home that day and told her mom what she over heard xavier and austin talking about. that same afternoon, we were all in skype, and james tells us that the surprise for tomorrow was that he was going to disneyland. and sure enough, about ten minutes later, james was on the road headed for california. (we live in arizona, so california's only five-six hours away). that night, at around eleven, i was about to lay down and go to bed, when i get a phone call from james. i answer it, and james is freaking out. i guess james and xavier were on skype that night, and the police called xavier's house, and told him that the police were coming to investigate the supposed school shooting tomorrow, october 19th. they said that swat was coming to our school, and the whole group was under arrested for conspiracy to commit murder. at first i thought it was a joke, but i got a call about five minutes after i hung up on james from the police telling me they wanted to ask me questions. since xavier was the one that was talking about october 19th on the bus, and the freshmen girl overheard him specifically talking about it, the police went to xavier's house and questioned him about october 19th. the next day, police were at my school, about ten officers maybe. they questioned all of us about october 19th, and somehow, xavier ended up getting all of the blame. he's still being charged to this day with minor charges and two felonies. i don't know what legally is still going on besides that, but yea. zack, brian, and austin got lucky and nothing happened to them at all. that's the story of october 19th. never joke about school shootings.

me and my friends made an inside joke about our friend shooting up the school, someone overheard, told the police, and my friend is still being charged with two felonies.

making a joke with my friends

girlfriend was yelling at me for having mold in my trashcan (it will cause asthma, that causes cancer **blah blah** why are we listening to news you dont even comprehend what they are saying **bitch complain** i cant beleive you woke me up so early), while i was giving her a ride to work at 6am, after working till 2am the night before. after a 30 minute barrage of this in 630am l.a. traffic i snapped, yelled and smashed my hand down on my wooden center console, hit my phone and broke the screen and lcd (birthday preasent 1 week old from parents who are not well to do, neither am i). started crying like a girl from being so exhausted, confused and sleep deprived. then had to go to school from 9:50 am till 10:00 pm.

breaking my brand new uninsured samsung galaxy s3

so today when i was longboarding down locust walk and coming to the corner of of a three way intersection right in the heart of upenn. there was this girl in a wheelchair like a regular wheelchair and i thought heh maybe she broke her leg and this is how some lazy upenn girl is getting around. now shes rolling down the path all by herself and here i come all awesome and shit cause well im on a longboard. i take my headphones out and as i'm about to pass her i say yeahhhh!! ridin on four wheels and extend my hand out for a "high five" needless to say she was a paraplegic and did not find the humor i saw in my actions.

giving a high five to a girl in a wheelchair.

throwaway because she reddits frequently. like all great stories about poop, this one started in the cafeteria. the lunch was a beef taco with a side of rice. i never ate the tacos because they taste terrible, but my friend on the other hand loved them. i gave her my taco because it was much better than wasting it. after lunch she was very appreciative, but complained of stomach pain. we parted ways after lunch until the afternoon when school was over. she was waiting for a friend and there was nobody around. she was facing the door so i thought this would be the perfect opportunity to sneak up on her. i quietly tiptoe behind her, approaching like a hunter does with his prey. i grabbed her from behind and screamed, but this is where things go to shit. i hear a squeal, followed by a series of quick consecutive moist farts and a terrible smell. we both just stood there, paralyzed for a minute before the situation finally sank in. i tried to sneak away like nothing happened but it was too late. there is nothing like the fury of a girl with chocolate syrup running down her leg. i found that out the hard way when she punched and kicked me as i tried to run away. eventually i ran to the mens bathroom because she obviously couldn't go in there. i sat in my safe haven, laughing my ass off while i waited for the situation to cool down. she eventually left and i was able to go home. she's probably still mad at me, but at least i taught her a valuable lesson today. always keep your ass in check or your day it will wreck.

making my friend shit herself.

i had to wait a few hours for my final interview with a vp before my promotion was official... was harassing a coworker of mine via text, and after the interview said "tell (other coworker) that he reports to me now, and he needs to start wearing cuter outfits to work"... then realized i texted it to my boss's boss who is now just my boss... followed up with an apology, and when he called me 10 minutes later about the interview he didn't mention it... but it's been on my mind for the entire 4 hour drive home. it's not a terrible text, i'm a dude and was obviously joking... and the coworker does not report to me... but jesus... just a dumb fuck up to start my new role in.

sending an inappropriate text to my boss immediately following a promotion.

so, not the most out there story, but still a tifu. flash back 2 months ago. somehow i screwed up the left side of my neck and shoulder. not sure how, but anyway the point is that it took me out of commission for like two weeks. flash forward to today. it is midterms week and guess what, i fuck up my neck again somehow. same place, same shooting pains. midterm portfolios and a test were due today in my figure drawing class. i went to school early, dropped my portfolio off, told the instructor what's going on and got out of there. then i went home and iced that thing up like no one's business. still icing, hoping for the best. no pity. seriously though, tifu my neck during midterms :(

during midterms

i live in a dorm. usually, i buy my stuff through absolute fencing, but i needed a practice saber...quick. i happened to have prime, so i thought, "hey, i can get this shipped to me quick and free!" for some odd reason, my prime orders get fucked up a lot. (i got a $60 mouse instead of a $10 textbook one time. not complaining.) but never has it been of this caliber. i went to the office to get my saber, because ups said it arrived. well, i go to get it and they tell me i can't have it because the box says "sword" on it. i try to explain that a fencing saber isn't really a sword, but a dull, blunt thing that is only used with protective padding, not to mention we have a fencing class and team here. it's no worse than martial arts equipment. they still insist it's a weapon, because the box says sword. so they go and get it and show me the box, which has a drawing of something like this on it: http://www.knife-depot.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/long-sword2.jpg and it says it's some sort of sword. i'm panicking at this point because holy shit, amazon just sent me an actual weapon. you know, something that isn't allowed and could get me kicked out. so i spend the next 30 minutes explaining that no, i did *not* order a sword, but a fencing saber. the order slip with it listed some sort of sword, not the saber. by this point, i'm probably looking suspicious because i am panicking so much. i go back and look at my amazon purchase history. it says the saber was delivered. apparently, the company also sells decorative swords, so the thing i got but i never actually saw except for the picture on the box was a blunt thing you hang on a wall, but i'm not going to try to explain this...because i don't want it. after 30 minutes of talking to an amazon representative, they e-mail me a label with the item that i actually got and told me just to return it as a misordered item. okay. they want me to take it back to ups myself, but the office won't give me the box, obviously. so then i have to work out a pick-up thing there, which cost me money. i'm losing money over this fuck up. thanks amazon. i'm quite sure the people at the desk think i am suspicious, but whatever. i'm glad i caught it early before they had some sort of person come and inspect the package or whatever. the guy at the office said they had set it aside because of the packaging. long story short: don't order fencing gear from amazon if you live in a dorm. or just don't live in a dorm and skip all the hassle. it'd been 100x easier to return the damn thing without the possibility of getting kicked out. [at least it wasn't this.](http://gizmodo.com/5933021/guy-gets-giant-assault-rifle-from-amazon-instead-of-tv)

ordering fencing gear from amazon.

i knocked over the graduated cylinder and it broke. i was embarrassed :(

in chemistry class

i fell in love with a woman 6 years older than me. not really a problem, but when you're 20 and she's 26, it's a little intimidating. because of this, i always added a couple of years to my actual age without her finding out. we were together overseas for over a year, and it was absolutely wonderful. she and i were both american, and she spoke the language. when it was time for me to leave, we agreed that we would sync up in 18 months to try and start a life together. she called me after the 18 months, and asked me if i was serious about our agreement -- but not in those words. somehow, i heard something regarding our age difference... and i answered to her -- "i lied". she began crying, hung up, and i never heard from her again.

not hearing well

let's make one thing clear. i saw my opportunity, and i took it. i have a friend who recently broke his leg playing baseball (a rather valiant way to break a leg, if you ask him) and i help him get around when i'm with him. we were taking an sat prep course, so i help him get situated and wait with him for other kids or a teacher to come. i can't remember why, but i walked away from the table at one point. as i walked back to the table, i see his backpack sitting on the table. "go take his backpack, he can't chase you!" good idea, right? like i said earlier, i saw my opportunity, and i took it. i ran to the table where he was sitting, jumped on the table, and reached for it. as a glass half full guy, i would like to mention that i got the backpack. that being said, i knew i had to get out of his range. i started to slide off the table, and only one of my feet hit the ground. the other foot missed, cause my leg to bend in such a way that my knee dislocated. as i hit the ground after hearing the "snap" that dislocating your knee makes, i remember two things. 1. seeing my friend laugh as i fell 2. losing grip of the backpack. it fell on my face. in the er, got my knee reset an hour ago (it took 20 minutes). i will be on crutches for a while, but i won't live this down for a long, long time.

bullying a cripple

long read but multiple fuck ups. so i get asked to bartend this wedding with a friend. i think fuck it and say yeah me and my best bud will do it. my friend says, "yeah i've bartended at a wedding before it's great you can get drunk with everyone and everyone loves it". my friend is my best mate, and brings the super retard idiot out in me. the day before i had just finished my final huge exams for my degree, and wanted to blow off some steam. so we rock up at this bartending gig, i've never done it before. say hi to everyone, and the dad running the show is a bit of a dick to me and my friend. apparently he's a pretty straight edge guy, but these older dudes love to smash scotch. still quite religious and serious. so we get working and have a few sneaky beverages here and there. we're having loads of fun and the people invited are enjoying our antics and stuff. talk heaps with all these people, a few being my parent's friends and stuff. anyways, we start getting tipsy, but we're a good team and killing it as it gets real busy. the older guys are loving it, but we're getting pretty drunk. we're super fun and the party is clearly at the bar. the girl notices and is judging me hard as i ask her what drink she wants and she rudely replies "um, i don't even drink". (you know it that super arrogant way) anyways we peak a bit too early and things start going downhill. it's noticeable how tipsy we are, and the dad tells me off. i'm like fuck that guy. so we throw down a few more drinks. by now we're trashed, but i can act classy and hold my shit together. my friend however cannot. he's got those real drunk eyes cranking and people are noticing how fucked we are. start messing up drinks and stuff. then my mate drops a whole unopened bottle of vodka without realising. i try clean it up and i drop a huge chunk of glass making it worse. someone gets us food and i end up destroying my dad's shirt with it. so in our hammered state we think it'll be genius to stash a bottle or 2 in the garden out back to nick at the end. just to clarify i'm not ever such a scumbag, but in our drunken state this seemed pretty genious. then we start cleaning up and stuff. i'm feeling pretty bad so i help out pretty well and hide my drunkness. the older guys organising are happy. however my friend is absolutely fucked at this point and gets caught stealing a bottle. i rescue him and somehow talk my way out of it. eventually i get our dosh and my friend's dad picks us up. my friend even tells him to "prime the car as we stole shit". we get away and celebrate our victory. the ultimate fuck up? me sending a picture bragging of stealing shit to everyone on my snapchat. including the girl who got me the job. fuck **

** got trashed while getting paid at a wedding for some religious people, ruined my dad's shirt, stole shit and then sent a picture to the chick organising it about the whole ordeal.

getting drunk at a super religious wedding

so i'm at the office going on a usual mid week coffee bender which usually consists of three cups before lunch. i take my lunch break and have a smoke after. for those that don't smoke, drink coffee, or both, the coffee is the primer and the cig pulls the plug. so i go upstairs to the 26th floor where i work and head for the bathroom. of course the cleaning lady has to be in there so i clench the cheeks for a good half hour. after she leaves i head in there and plop down ready to. as soon as the porcelain and skin make contact the door opens. i get the nervous poop syndrome so i immediately try to hold it all in till the co worker leaves. trying my hardest, a bunch of loud farts start shooting at at rapid fire echoing off the bowl making it ten times louder. i'm talking 25 toots in 8 seconds. i lost my state of mind and jammed my hand in the bowl trying to cover my poop hole like its some sort of plausible option and i can stop the gas leak. wrong. the deuce shot out. blasted my hand and i almost puked. waited for the co worker to leave. used about a roll of toilet paper, walked to my desk. pokerface.jpg. act like it never happened.

thought my butt hole could be pluged like putting your thumb over a tiny hole in a garden hose.

pooping in my hand at the office

i forgot to lock the door :'(

fapping

i make music in my home studio, and at times i tend to down a few drinks, though this night i downed a few to many. i woke up the next day hungover as shit, the clock said 9am, i was supposed to start work at 9, so my alarm didn't go off. in a panic i jumped out of bed quickly, and threw the nearest set of clothes on. i recently bought a decent car that cost me 11k, and in my shit somewhat asleep state, as i was reversing out of the garage i misjudged and scraped the side of my car on the brick pillars scratching a shit load of paint off the side panels of my car. god damn it.

reversing my car out of the garage

just a little background information first to get it out of the way. my boyfriend and i see each other once a week if we're lucky so when we do we usually get down to some dirty business after getting food and wandering around, stuff like that. i'm an eighteen year old female and he is a nineteen year old male, both legal where we live, just saying. needless to say, today was no different. started off the date by going to a sushi buffet, then went shopping (got a wondrous deal on clothing thanks to a friend, completely unrelated), and ended up at his place. so we're casually watching some television, occasionally engaging in some makeout seshes here and there, then things started to get steamy. also, forgot to mention, we ordered pizza beforehand. so of course, the pizza guy arrives while we're halfway through doing the deed, and boyfriend has to go downstairs to pay for the pizza, while he has a boner. then, after gorging ourselves on more food, we recommence the sexy times -- only to have his grandpa walk in on us (he was mad about the dog peeing in the bathroom or something along those lines). also, the boyfriend doesn't have a lock on his bedroom door so, yeah. thinking quickly, the boyfriend reaches over and covers us both with the blanket, effectively concealing us from his grandpa's sight. you'd think that any normal person would realize what's going on, laugh, and leave the room, right? wrong. his grandpa proceeds to walk into the room while we're both under the covers almost shitting ourselves, and he starts patting at us from above the covers. full out grabbing at, what he probably sees as a giant blob underneath the covers. i'm pretty sure at one point he grabbed my head, can't really remember (in denial). anyways, a lot of shouting ensued and the grandpa left. pretty sure i can't go back there ever again. edit: boyfriend did not give the pizza guy the d.

had accidental threesome with boyfriend's grandpa.

having sex.

so, at work we have a kind of friendly game where we throw tennis balls at each other. a tennis ball was throw and i picked it up and was about to make a pretty sneaky long range attack. i threw it and missed. it bounced along and knocked some woman's coffee over and it spilled on her phone and all over her lunch. i walked over and apologized and offered to buy her lunch. walked back over to my coworkers who then informed me that she was one of our main clients. fuck.

throwing a tennis ball at my friend

this is why social media is the devil

clicked the wrong email address for a confession that i immediately regretted the next morning

well reddit, today i finally have a worthy post. not happy about it though. about a week ago i was at my friends house, having a good lan party, and i was using my new laptop. it's actually my first laptop so i was pretty excited. something i had always wanted was my own secret library of porn. even though i was still at my friend's house, i had no shame. i pulled a torrent program up on my laptop and got to work, and downloaded around 5 videos in total. not much yet, but i'll get there. i put them in my secret locked file and we continued gaming. fast forward about two weeks. today, i get a call from my friend. something about them being contacted by their service provider about being possibly sued for copyright infringement, etc. fuck. it's all my fault. so, i fessed up. the other part i forgot to tell you is.. i'm only 17. so looking at pornography is illegal by itself, not to mention downloading it like that. so now my friend has to talk to his mom, and step-dad, and now the whole family will know about all the porn i watch and how i almost got them sued/got them sued. oh, and just about how fucked up i am. now i'm just waiting for my friend's parents to get in contact with my parents and tell them the story i'm telling you now. shit. edit: my friend's mom opened the email and tells me i have to pay 200 dollars and she is forwarding it to me. what do i do guys? do i have to pay the fine? edit 2: [here is a copy of the email.]( https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cj-jjqbszpnhijj6ui61w3rwtcwk2vrvqktks9jck0e/edit) what do? remember this^ in other news, my parents found out because i was a dumb ass and left this page up on the computer we all share. i honestly have no idea what is wrong with me. edit 3: i also have spoken with my friend's mom and we have talked things over. she isn't as angry as me as i thought, and seems forgiving. she even said her opinion of me hasn't changed of me at all and she has always thought highly of me. cool. still unsure about what to do about the email. not so final edit: if anyone is still following this, it is now september 4th and i was supposed to have payed the $200 dollars by august 22nd. i am still yet to receive any repercussions, emails, or phone calls. i think the coast is clear guys! final edit: never mind ^

illegally downloading porn. fuck.

one fine summer day 20 years ago my best friend & i decided to go to the mall. i was 13, it was the early 90's & so i decided to wear a [cropped shirt](http://img0.etsystatic.com/001/1/6387571/il_fullxfull.363369264_jqz8.jpg) sans bra since, well, i was not really in need of one yet. (it was also arizona in the summer so the less clothing the better...usually). in this mall the food court overlooked a good-size arcade. we looked around for games we wanted to play, making our plan of attack and then we saw it. this new incredible ride. the [gyroorbitron](http://new-jersey-amusement-rides.com/interactive-ride-photos/gyroorbitron.jpg). it was early so it wasn't open yet and we got in line first. i love rides, especially ones that you go upside down on so i insisted that i was first. so there am i, getting strapped in looking up at all the people looking down on me with curiosity at this new contraption. the ride operator asks me, "all set?" i reply with an emphatic, "yep!" and away i went upside down...with my shirt over my head. dead silence. the ride stops with my shirt still over my head. i pull it down and the operator (trying not to look at me) asks if i want to get off the ride early. i'm totally mortified and didn't want to be more embarrassed by quitting so i tucked my shirt into my waist band and finished my time.

wore tiny shirt on a new ride & flashed a bunch of strangers.

going on a new amusement ride.

i am near sighted, and i can only recognize things by shape and color when i don't have my glasses on. my eyes were pretty dry this morning, so i went to put a few eye drops in. i had forgotten that i had an ear wax dissolvent bottle that looked exactly the same shape and size of my eye drop bottle. i thought i had my eye drop bottle, but i had somehow grabbed the eax wax dissolvent bottle. i put one drop in and felt immediate pain. i rushed to the bathroom and rinsed my eye out for a good 5 minutes, and i took a wet cloth and dabbed my eye every now and than for about an hour. i still have a dull pain in my eye after a few hours, but its nothing i can't handle. it's definitely not the way i wanted to start off my morning.

don't put ear wax dissolvent in your eye

putting ear wax dissolvent in one of my eyes

so i work as an intern at a bank and on fridays most people go home early. well last friday my boss and i were practically the only ones in the still in the office after lunch so she allowed my to go home early, but offered to pay me for a full day. i've never been paid for not working before so i was stoked. i finished up my lunch, packe up my stuff and left. the following monday (yesterday), i received and email from the department that is responsible for paying me to approve last weeks online time card (i get paid by the hour) and let them know if anything is incorrect. my timecard still showed me leaving at 1:00 on friday and i was supposed to get paid for a full day so i emailed them back saying to change my out time to 4:30 because my boss said it was okay. fast forward to this morning, and my boss tells me that she just got an angry call asking why she approved me to get paid for 3.5 hours that i wasn't working.

apparently my boss was doing me a solid that she could get in trouble for and i went and told on her (by accident).

getting my boss in trouble with the people who write both out paychecks

just sitting in a starbucks thinking how i shouldn't have ordered a triple caramel frappe. i notice a man using an electric scooter who cant make a corner because of his bad hand. i go over and say ill help him turn and get him round the corner. so i start turning the handlebars and help him pull the forwards lever.. little did i know how fast these things can be! i crash him right into the tables of people knocking over chairs and causing all their coffees to spill over the floor! tifu

helping/crashing an elderly man on his electric mobility scooter

fuck, i did not intend for this to happen the way it did. i just moved to a new city and my best friend has been awesome, welcomed me in to his home to rent from him when my previous domicile was made unavailable due to my other friend moving. he's supported me through a shit tonne of stuff since meeting me 3 months ago, been an all around ggg. i am the asshole in this situation for sure, he's been interested in this girl for awhile, but hasn't made a move, prefering to go the friends route with her. or at least i thought that was up, we've talked multiple times about how he was "content" with being just friends, leading me to believe that he was moving on, she obviously wasn't interested in being more than friends. her and i hung out for a few hours last night watching the meteor shower just the two of us. i'd been intending to have it be just as friends, she is an amazing girl, talented, funny, the whole nine yards. i just wanted to get to know her better, as friends. sure i was interested in her, but she was off the table for anything further because, you know, the bro code. as it got colder we started getting closer, until eventually we were snuggling under the blankets, it didn't really hit us until he called asking where i was it was so natural. her and i aren't going to date yet, we are going to get to know each other better first, then reevaulate things in the fall, when we are both going to be living on res at the same school. man o man is he pissed. rightfully so, to the point where he made it clear that he won't hang out with the two of us in the same room. which means i need to find a new group of friends, he thought it was going to be him not chilling with us, but there is no way in hell i am going to steal his friends too, i'll just have to find a different group of friends. fuck, just as i was getting comfortable in the church community too. i fucked up guys, big time.

going on a date with a girl my best friend was interested in.

*spoiler: there's no shit in this story* so for a bit of context here. i live in missouri, in the us. i'm a guy in my late 20s and i work 3rd shift. i was meeting my friend so we could watch a movie at her place. she was just getting off work, and i was about 10 min early to her place. but i didn't want to just wait in my car, so i kept driving down the road. got to a point when i needed to turn around, so i went down a side street to do a u-turn. my turn radius on my car sucks a bit, so i had to stop and and put it in reverse. i stopped a couple feet from a lightpost and some combination of my brain or body fucked up and didn't put my car and reverse, smashed the gas pedal and dented up my front bumper and hood. and maybe the radiator. on the plus side, i didn't get any tickets from the police that ended up showing up randomly. no asking if i was drunk, or if i could walk a straight line. if i remember, i'll try to post a pic. edit, i suck at spoiler tags.

i hit a stationary object and fucked up my car, because i was 10 min early to a friend's house**

being early

i've been off smoking for 58 days as of today, but i caved and bought a pack because i managed to justify 'two months on, two months off' in my mind. smoked four over the course of a few hours, got home and instantly felt like ass garbage. i feel like i'm going to vomit at any second and it's not fun. tossed out the rest of the pack, regretting life right now.

starting smoking again

just a normal day, at my friends house trying to take a shit. so i go to the bathroom, to take my shit, because that's where i usually take my shits. get into the usual position, take out my phone with my left hand and hold my dick down with my right so i can piss in the toilet. yea you guys know how it works. as i'm scrolling down the reddit front page with my left hand, this massive mosquito comes out of nowhere and starts trying to make out with my face, and what do you know. i panic. instead of using my free left hand i use my dominant right hand in an attempt to swat the fucker away(when i could have used my free left hand the whole time) , and as i am windmill swatting the massive blood sucker, my dick is left to roam free. . (guys reading should know what happens. .) fucking fire hose action initiates. my dick just starts flailing around, shooting urine everywhere. there's piss on the toilet seat, my pants, the floor, my left leg, the worst part is that the mosquito disappeared so i'm covered in piss and paranoid. so instead of enjoying my shit, i had to erupt it from my ass, wipe my ass clean as fast as i could, and get my ass out of there. on the good side though i marked my territory on his bathroom rug.

pissed on myself because it was too damn hot in this house.

not being ambidextrous

this just happened. so i have an indoor outdoor cat that's my best friend. normally he spends all day outside, so when i went to flea bomb i forgot to check his favorite cupboard. so i hold my breath, run through the place, reach my hand in and get a big handful of cat. i grab him and sprint out the door. still breathing and very displeased with me, though he seems to be ok. i'm sitting outside babysitting him to make sure. update: it's been a couple hrs, he seems to be ok, no throwing up or muscle spasms. i did some research on the active ingredient and it isn't extremely toxic to mammals. a this point i am wondering how well the stuff works at all. when i picked up the empty box i wedged into the cat door to keep gas in and cat out a spider popped out from under a flap. [this fucking spider](http://i.imgur.com/iqxzh9m.jpg) to be exact. yes that's a quarter, yes before i squished the fucker it looked a lot bigger. either way it had't killed that fucker yet. (though it does appear he was trying to escape his well deserved gassy death.) anybody know how long it takes a spider to get that big? i don't. don't wanna know. that fucker has obviously been living here a long time... he needed to go.

tried to gas the fleas, almost gassed the cat.

little bit of background: winter 2013 college semester i started to fall for this girl that i meet through a mutual friend. fast forward to a week after school gets out, she goes home for the summer and i start working third shift, gotta make the money, so she breaks up with me. a week later she starts going out with her friend from back home who she "wanted to go out before but didn't want to get into a ld relationship, but its cool now because this year he will be going to a local community college that is near the college we go to." ok, now back to today, yesterday ex-gf wants to hang out for a bit as we are going to try to just be friends as there wasn't much relationship before we broke up. so i hang out with her and the old feelings resurface in me, time to gtfo and have some whiskey. so today i went to football tailgating at the college i go to, hot greek little sister walks up with her friend "hey bigwag91, this is my friend hotgurl, blah blah blah, she just got out of a two year relationship. she is just looking to hang out. had i not been thinking about last night (or maybe the hangover of today) i would have seen this as a total green light on hotgurl. later hotgurl is talking to me alot giving little hints that i should have noticed but i couldn't muster myself together enough to take these hints and lay some moves on hotgurl. later on i ended up having to go up to here and apologize for acting like a complete idiot in front of her and we got to talking. ex lovers, friends, interests, etc, etc. the ex lovers part was the worst cause after talking for 45-60 minutes she looks and me and goes "you will find someone, don't worry" but gives major hints that i missed my chance. p.s. "today" is actually yesterday edit: it's still 2013, was hoping it was closer to my graduation

ex-gf used me as a place holder, shit on my heart, hung out with me yesterday, and stuck in my head today when i could have done something with hotgurl.

talking to a girl

okay, first of all this an old story and i just thought this would be the perfect place to tell it. this happened in high school, as everything does. so i used to take the school bus home from school, and the bus ride was the best part of the day, because me and my friends were always up to something stupid, there are many bus stories i could tell you, but let's focus on this one. so as per usual me and my friends are being idiots and nobody on the bus really cares because they're used to it. you see i realize now that i didn't make this decision consciously, but rather it was inspired from a memory deep in my subconscious. a long time ago, i watched the movie speed with keanu reeves and sandra bullock, (yeah you know exactly where this is going) so for some reason i thought i would re-enact the events of the most memorable scene in my opinion. so we were driving down a really busy road in my city, and we always sat at the back of the bus so here's what i did. i got a piece of paper (from what i remember, this is the only writing i did all day) and a sharpie and wrote quite clearly; help! bomb on bus! yeah, i did that, guess what else i'm an indian guy. fucking perfect right, now in my defence every car that saw the sign laughed at it because they saw me making the dumbest face ever and all my friends laughing and joking, but then there was this one blonde (hair color has no relevance, just painting a picture) that was probably having a bad day or something because she didn't laugh, matter of fact instead of going where she was headed, she followed the bus all the way to my bus stop, she waited until she saw me get up to get out of her car. up until this point me and my friends were joking around but when the black honda civic door opened the laughter stopped and i heard a "you're fuuucked" in unison. whatever. before i can even get off of the bus she climbs onto the the bus, and i shit you not, these are her exact words, you wouldn't forget them either. blonde lady: "is everyone alright?" everyone: "yeeah...." blonde lady: "is there a bomb on the bus?" scrooge: *facepalm* x9000 she then proceeds to tell the bus driver, who already hates my guts, that i am a threat to national security and need to be dealt with. this led to my suspension; 1 week from school, 1 month from the bus. the ass kicking i got....oh man, don't even get me started.

put a sign that said 'bomb on bus' on the back window of my school bus, and a crazy white bitch followed me to my stop to save the day.

making a terrorist threat

i told her it was the umbilical cord.

cutting off my daughter's gerbil's penis when i was trying to chop up ham.

so today was my first day at work. i was told to be there at 8:00am. naturally, i didn't want to fuck up and be late, so i went to bed early and got some sleep so i can get up at 6:50am and get there earlier. you know, just in case something happens. i wake up at 6:50 this morning, i take a nice hot shower and get ready slowly just because i've got so much time. at 7:15am, my boss calles me and asks me why i'm not at work yet. i tell her it's only 7:15, and that she told me to be there at 8... she then proceeds to tell me that it's 8:15am right now because of daylight savings time. apparently, my country decided to extend daylight savings time by a month and a half or something. being on reddit all day, i didn't even know this happened, so my phone's clock decided to move itself an hour backwards. needless to say, i was ~30 minutes late to my first day at work.

daylight savings time is fucking retarded.**

on my first day at work

so, it wasn't today, but today is when i realized it. last year i joined the army national guard. i wanted to be an officer, but i couldn't afford school (my dad could have, but i didn't want to use his money for whatever reason) i got a 97 on the asvab (that's pretty damn high, if you didn't know), and had my pick of any job in the army. i chose to be a truck driver (the score needed was below the score needed for joining) then i got to basic. for me it was super easy, except the physical part. i could not do a single pushup. i was a great leader and a better shot, but i could not push my body off the ground in a military manner to save my life. halfway through they told me it was clear i wasn't graduating. they said if i stuck through the rest they would send me to a fitness camp afterwards, where i would basically work out until i could pass the physical test. i declined on grounds that i wanted to go to college. so i left the army with an entry level separation. i was also the skinniest (and sexiest) i've ever been in my life. i went to college, and instead of taking "real" classes, i took an emt class. after that semester i came home, intending to work as an emt. here i am, a year after basic training. 50 pounds heavier, working as a security guard (can't drive professionally until i'm 21 generally), and taking random college classes at my community college (not even gen eds) i fucked up.

my army career.

i was watching youtube stuff (as you do) and was looking for a snack. my eyes fell on a packet of salted popcorn, so in an instant it was open and i was chomping merrily and laughing at funny videos. next thing i know, my stomach is trying to stage a mutiny. christ, the cramping. i thought i was going to explode. moral of the story: don't ever eat popcorn fast on an empty stomach. next time, i'm sticking with pretzels.

eating popcorn

so my friends and i went to venice beach and we all got fairly high. i have a lowest tolerance of all my smoking buddies, so when we were finished, they were all good, but i was feeling quite dizzy. as we were leaving, i started feeling worse and worse in the car ride and i felt as if my skin was melting and the car was going at light speeds. all of this lead to my mind telling me "i need to fucking throw up right now", so i obliged, but thought, hey it would be a great idea to roll down the window first before throwing up. sounds great right? nope, turns out throwing up while on the freeway with the window open causes the barf to come flying back in and hitting the person sitting behind you. everyone in the car got a little damage from my vile, but my friend sitting behind me had it the worst. after we had gotten back she told me that it had gotten in her mouth.

threw up while on the freeway with the window open, only to have it come back into the car and go into my friend's mouth.

throwing up in my friend's mouth.

this is one of the few times i will ever say "this should be illegal" in context to marijuana... last night i drove to a dispensary i've never been to. i bought the weed and was about to leave when the guy behind the counter tells me: "since this is your first time here, you get a free dap of hash!" without thinking too much -if at all- about it i took a massive bongrip of straight hashish, because how can you say 'no' to free, right? **i've never been so completely fucked up in my life.** by the time i get out the door, i rocketed to a [7]. one block later i'm siting in my car blankly staring at the gas gauge. i was about to drive off through city traffic while verging on [10.] i didn't know what to do! i couldn't drive and i was stuck in a unfamiliar part of town. so i got out of my car and decided to walk it off. the paranoia set in and i automatically assumed every person walking towards me was going to rape, rob or shank me. features on people's faces were becoming exaggerated and almost cartoonlike. cars driving by would disappear before my brain could register the visual information. it was like my mind was on a 2 second delay. i ended up hiding in an in-in-out for about 2 hours trying not to hyperventilate. i then wandered around for another hour because i got completely lost trying to find my car. to top it all off, when i finally got to my car there was a 70 dollar ticket for an expired meter. fml retrospective note: i'm an idiot and it was my decision, but dispensaries shouldn't be allowed to give out free samples, especially things like hash bongrips. it's like a liqueur store giving away free shots of everclear before you drive home.

buying weed from a dispensary.

this happened yesterday, but i forgot to write this in my embarrassment. so i went inside my nearby burger king and was behind some dude who wrote his order on wood and was ordering 6 fucking meals. knowing how slow the god damn burgerking people were i figured it would be quicker to go to the drive through. so i exit the store, enter my car and order my food. when i get to the window the lady gives me my soda, and my straw. i put the soda in my cupholder and throw the straw on my chair. i give the lady the money and she goes to get the food. then figuring i had actually thrown my food in my chair i drove off. i never went back cause i was too embarrassed and i feel bad that i didn't. but it's okay, cause i'm never entering that burger king again.

driving away from a drive through.

yesterday was canadian thanksgiving, and instead of having the usual beaver drizzled in maple syrup (kidding) i ate a traditional meal with a bit of a twist. instead of turkey we had raw chunks of prime beef with a pasty sauce comprised of dried hot peppers and whisky. the good whisky. anyways, turns out my stomach can't handle a meal meant for an african warrior who just killed a zebra with his 14 inch long johnson, so of course i got a little sick. i decided to be a dumbass, and told myself i'd go to school no matter what. i skip breakfast, because i know i can't hold anything down at this point, and go to school. one period later and i'm cancelling a lunch date, asking for homework, and calling home. fast forward another hour and the bus (ttc, reppin toronto transit) drops me off 100m from the house. that was the second longest hundred meters (328.084 feet) in my life. i got home and felt like shit, so i took a shit. and what a shit it was, the toilet will be stained for days. after i was done spewing out my intestines, i walked down to the kitchen. remembering my training, i knew i was supposed to prescribe fluids to my sorry ass. so, i drank half a glass of water. before i could say "sweet relief" i began to projectile vomit like a firehose. i ran upstairs, mouth over my hands, and i *swear* to you i could hear the gushing as the yellow fluid sprayed the stairs, the hardwood floor, the tiling in my bathroom, my bathroom mirror, and finally the sink. i then proceeded to vomit my stomach acid out, feeling the burn as i did so. and it wasn't a gentle *bleugh*, it was a steady stream which looked like i was taking a piss from my mouth. after the trauma was over, i wiped the hardwood and mirror, washed the sink a bit, and realized i'm gonna need a carpet cleaner. i have just finished watching catch me if you can, and i still can't be bothered to find out where i can get one. wish me luck reddit, i have a huge presentation tomorrow and a math assignment, let's see if i can stop spewing for enough time for me to finish.

got sick trying to eat raw meat, sprayed nearly a tenth of my square footage with watery orangish-yellow fluids.

drinking a glass of water, and using it to pressure wash my house with orange fluid.

ok so all my co-workers were gathered around the office talking about playing the new madden 25 game and how awesome it is. i am a gamer but i can't really play/enjoy sports games to save my life! but for some reason my brain does this wierd thing where it always tries to fit in so i act like i have the game so i can be part of the conversation. they ask me for my gamertag and what not so they can add me. thats when i start to freak out and go oh shit in my head and i dodge them all day but i finally break down and give it to them. on the way home i had to stop and pick this game up to play it once so i didnt look like a crazy liar to my co-workers. $60 wasted.

lying at work about owning a video game.

for context, i'm 5' 6-1/2" and 143 pounds (just got measured). my company does a health risk assessment to give people incentives to be healthy. they take your height, weight, blood draw, etc. and if you are healthy you get money off of your premiums each month. so mine was today. i did everything well and fasted before hand. a buddy of mine had his today too. we decided we should celebrate it by going out and getting a bunch of food. i decided to try and eat whatever he ate. we called it a "celebration". we decided today that pancheros (like chipotle if you don't have one nearby) was the place of choice. the challenge was to eat 2 burritos in one sitting. these are no baby burritos if you haven't been there before. these suckers are probably 1-1.5 lbs a piece. i should also mention my buddy is about 6' 1" and 250+ lbs. we decided to go for it, and holy shit does my stomach regret it. i successfully ate both, but i, for some stupid reason, decided to get jalapenos on mine, so that's in the mix. i haven't stopped burping or farting since eating it, and my stomach is brewing something awful. the worst part is yet to come when i have this sloppy mud-butt shit at work. it's gonna be a real butthole burner. never, ever, eat 2 pancheros burritos in one sitting. and if you do, don't get jalapenos on them.

going to melt a toilet later with red-hot magma shits

celebrating my health risk assessment with 2 panchero's burritos

my worst nightmare has come true. i papercut my eye with about 15 pages of paper. i got to an optometrist right away, and was able to take [a picture of a picture they took](http://i.imgur.com/dgkegv4.jpg). the yellowy bit is the damaged area. a papercut to the eye, particularly of this magnitude, hurts at least as much as you'd imagine.

good idea: do work. bad idea: unwittingly papercut your eye.

papercutting my eye

today, a lot of my extended family was over for thanksgiving dinner. i spent my summer working in kenya and i haven't seen a lot of family since i've been back, so i decided to grab my laptop and show them some of my photos. what i had forgotten was that last night i fell asleep after watching some porn and i hadn't touched my laptop since; luckily i had made the effort of closing the actual porn website, but i hadn't gone as far as the pop-up ads... so i had to clumsily close down three sexual pop up ads (two "live cams" and some adult dating site) while my aunts, uncles, grandmother and great grandmother watched.

four generations of family members feeling awkward because i didn't close my porn pop-ups.

not closing my porn pop-ups.

so i was drunk and trying to have some sexy facetime with my girl, but i accidentally facetimed one of my coworkers wife. i don't even know how i got her number. then the coworker facetimed me to find out wtf is going on and i accept his facetime while i am completely naked. he was confused. i was confused. and today at work he told everyone he saw my man bits.

drunk face timing.

my ex girlfriend and i were tight den a mu fucka. we still live together. only difference is she is tots mcgoats gay and cheated on me with a lady girl she only knew for a week. she is pretty much constantly fucking this girl. i feel bad that this girl has to deal with a cheater but w/e. i told her i loved her unfortuantely and now shits really fuckin weird. fuck me right? i was really angry that she had cheated on me so i got on her facebook and saw that she had been having sex with this girl for like 3 months. i saw all of their fucked up convos and now i cant get that shit out of my head but i still love her.

telling my ex gf that i love her

about 4 years ago, in middle school, i had downloaded tor so i could browse reddit and whatnot, and put it in my "s:\ drive". it's a folder being stored by the school district and when i log in to my account, it shows up as being mounted. i never got in trouble, and tech had many times gone through my files and found nothing wrong. fast forward 4 years, i'm here now suspended because the tech at the high school i go to decided to look at my files, and because the drive is stored by the school district, they found tor. i know this isn't too much, considered, but this being literally the first time something this severe as happened to me. before, i hadn't even been yelled at by a teacher, much less be sent to the principal's office. for the first few hours knowing i had gotten in trouble, i was fine, just pretending to act all 'cool' about it, but as soon as i got home, i had a near panic attack. i have a 4.0+ gpa and the last thing i want to do it screw it up, even though i know this is practically meaningless. i just can't stay calm and think rationally. please guys, i'm freaking out here.

getting suspended after 11 years of never getting in trouble.

biggest scare of my life, i almost died today. i have been training at work as an electrical/electronics technician. i got burned on my hand today at work during a factory shut down from an arc flash made up of 480 volts of electricity and i don't know how many amps (i know it's a lot though, because it was the main disconnect for the entire machine). i was cleaning out one of the cabinets for a machine at work when it happened. i was blowing an air compressor into the main disconnect of the machine, and had an arc flash burned me. for those who don't know, when a machine is turned off and has gone through the lock out, tag out procedure, you need to verify that power is off using a volt meter at the source, otherwise it is considered hot (there is still electricity). i am not electrically certified by the company to use a volt meter to check if there is no power, so someone else who is certified usually does it. also, under normal conditions, you would never go near the top of the disconnect, because it still has power, unless a different disconnect going to that disconnect is turned off, then there is absolutely no power there. that didn't happen today, during the factory shut down. no one who is certified told me there was absolutely no power coming anywhere, and no one tested it. but why would there be during a factory shut down right? power was on, and when my air compressor went near one of the top terminals, the arc went across the barrel of the gun, not up it, which saved my life. the hole in the gun was the size of a .22 caliber bullet, and that could have been my arm, my leg, or even my chest. the flash blinded me for a few seconds, and when i could see and hear again, i looked at my pain filled left hand, and saw that some skin was peeled off, like a popped blister would look. two co-workers came running over, had me sit, and then everyone and there mother showed up and looked to see what the loud noise was. i was sent to first aid and got wrapped up w/ some ice, which stopped my hand from cooking any more than it already did. once that was done, i was driven to the hospital to get checked out. i passed all of my drug, hearing, and heart rate tests, and the doc said i was lucky to just get a flash burn, all it is is a bad sun burn with a popped blister. i am very, very, very lucky to not have an electrical burn (look it up if you like), or even worse, and i have another check up tomorrow. i am not mad at anyone, just happy to be okay. i only ask that you make sure you don't take life and what you do for granted, because you never know if you may be closer to danger than i was. be safe my friends.

big bang, little boo boo.

almost getting electrocuted at work and dying.