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reddit_tifu

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so, this was actually a week ago on canada day, and i guess its more of a really awkward situation than anything else. anyway, it's canada day, and i don't usually bus, but its free today. take the bus downtown with some friends, have a great time. we split, i go to a teammates house for a bit then bus home alone, around 11:30. the bus was packed and i barely squeezed on. the next stop a couple of chubby and unattractive women who are over twice my age get on the bus (i'm 18). they also squeeze in, pushing me against a wall. i'm sorta standing there with one of the women up against me. my phone is in sorta in a weird position,(sometimes i put my phone in my pocket sideways and it sorta sticks out) and i can't grab it to get it flat in my pocket since the woman's ass is basically on my leg. so i brilliantly decide to rub my leg, with my phone pointed out against her to get it flat in my pocket. you can probably guess what she thought, that i had basically rubbed my erect dick against her. she sorta twitches but there's no room to move, my phone with its pretty hard case stays up against her for another 5 or 6 minutes before she gets off. when she does get off, i can't stop myself from glancing at her face to see if she was thinking what i thought she was thinking. she glares at me with disgust and i immediately turn away. i know i'll never see her or her friends again, but it was a really awkward bus ride, not only cause of the phone thing, butt because i was stuck against a chubby woman who was like 45+ for like 6 minutes. i'm also very allergic to perfume, no more busing for me.

rubbed my phone in my pocket against a much older woman's ass in a crowded bus, made her think i basically humped her

being in a crowded bus

so last night i had a couple of people over and i got pretty drunk. after my friends depart from my place im feeling exhausted and want to go straight to bed, but first i had to piss. so i drain the pipes and head upstairs to my room. still drunk, i decided to browse the internet for a little bit. i realized i was way too exhausted so after about 10-15 minutes of browsing i close my laptop, turn on my ac, turn off the lights and hop in bed which felt fucking amazing after a long day. as soon as i snuggle in my sheets i have the urge to piss yet again and its barely been fucking 15 minutes. now, my upstairs room is an addition to my house, and there is no bathroom upstairs. so this would require me to walk to the opposite side of my house just to get to the stairs, and go all the way back to the same side of the house my room is on to get the bathroom. fuck that, i'm way to lazy for that shit. so, i see an empty gatorade bottle in my trash can by my bed and decide to just piss in there and throw it out the next morning. so, there i went, draining the pipes yet again but in a gatorade bottle. when i finished, i for some reason decided to put the gatorade bottle back next to my bed on my nightstand. i wake up the next morning still half asleep and thirsty as a motherfucker. without even thinking, i grab the gatorade bottle and start to drink my vegetated piss. once the warm salty liquid reached my tongue i had realized my mistake which then made me spew it out all over my pillow. the thought of me drinking my own piss then made me yak all over my bed. i had two of the three bodily excretions spattered on my pillow/bed.

hungover? better drink my own piss.

peeing in a gatorade bottle.

so my (18m) girlfriend (19f) are playing ping-pong in her basement and her family is upstairs. i go to push her against a wall and kiss her and feel around a bit. after that, she says, "want to go get food now?" i tell her "just a sec, i'm not finished with you" and pull her shirt off and i'm under her bra. she's loving it, but her mother walks down, sees us, and is pissed. momma hasn't said anything to me yet, but she's mean and i know she'll rip a new one into my girlfriend and really it's my fault. i feel awful. update (for anyone interested): mother was very..... strident.... to gf about the rules of the house. i made it clear to her mother that we do not have sex (both virgins) and were literally 20 seconds from coming upstairs. she took this news with relief, and simply said, "just not in my house." issue resolved.

getting caught with gf.

i just recently got a tattoo on my thigh, and i was wearing jeans at work. my two buddies that i work with told me to show them my tattoo in the bathroom. one of my friends is recording the scene because he thinks it's funny, and says, "drop your pants". i pull my pants down, show them my tattoo, and seconds after, my boss comes in and sees three guys in the bathroom, one recording with a cell phone, and me with my pants down. he turned around and immediately left the bathroom. edit: i am a guy, so are my friends, and so is my boss. edit: tattoo proof http://imgur.com/4oqtn edit: the video was taken using snap chat, so i can't provide that :(

showing my two friends and coworkers my thigh tattoo in the bathroom at work.

so not exactly today, but i just discovered this subreddit and have been feeling guilty about this for a month (i'm jewish and get the guilt bad). for over 10 years, i always celebrate buena noche (christmas eve) with my best friend and his family. they rotate houses and this year it was at his aunt's. i know she has an autistic daughter, but she's never been an issue, she's a real fun kid. this year the aunt invited a few single mothers from her daughter's class to attend. interestingly, the two families were also jewish. one mother, who was hanging out with us "big kids" (we're 30 and still sit at the big kids table; we've been told we can't upgrade until someone dies) had a nice daughter that didn't say a word the entire evening. the other family however... from the second one of the boys got out of his car, he was calling for his mom. "mom? mom? mom?" he would incessantly. the worst was when you would go into the bathroom, he would start knocking on the door. ::knock knock:: "occupied." ::knock knock:: "be done in a minute." ::knock knock:: "a little privacy?" eventually someone outside would notice the knocking and tell him to wait. during the meal it was the same thing. i complimented the quiet girl for not making a peep, and when the boy would start up again, i'd make an obnoxious comment, as i thought the kid was just spoiled. it wasn't until we left that i realized he was autistic, and my comments were completely uncalled for.

complaining about an autistic boy at christmas eve

i just arrived at my homecountry again after spending over a month abroad. there was a six-hour difference and i was really tired after staying up for over 24 hours. i had to buy a train ticket to get home. i was holding a book i had read on my way back and decided to read on the train. while i paid for my ticket i put down the book, paid, grabbed my ticket and dashed off. halfway down the escalator i realized the book was still at the counter. maybe it was the jetlag. maybe i was just being tired. maybe i was in a hurry and not thinking or maybe i'm just an idiot. but instead of thinking of going down the escalator and taking the escalator next to it which went up, i decided to turn around and march back up the escalator in a hurry. i tripped soon, hit my knee hard on the iron stairs, and am now unable to bend my knee without agony.

trying to run back up on escalators.

i cooked bacon naked.

not listening to advice

we have a puppy and are teaching him not to growl, and he gets corrected if he does growl. sister was playing with the puppy and he started growling. she wasn't correcting him and he got more and more aggressive, so i told her to "drop the puppy and move out of the way the next time he growls or barks or goes to bite you." about 5 seconds later the puppy growls, and i go for the dog assuming that she'd have moved out of the way, however she was still in the way when my fists came flying for the collar. she ended up getting slightly decked from the side (luckily it was a side glance) but yeah. punched my sister in the face. p.s.: the dog doesn't do any more growling. yay! edit: i think you misunderstand my post... here, i'll clarify: i volunteer with guide dogs for the blind. now, with guide dogs for the blind (gdb for the sake of post) whenever a puppy does something wrong, you are to correct it by giving a quick jerk to the collar. when a puppy does something good, you reward it by giving it a treat. now, what i was doing here, is i was going to go for the collar and give a quick jerk. wasn't going for any punches to a baby dog. i would never ever in a million years hit or otherwise strike a dog. gdb is a very good company and raises thousands of dogs each year. i myself have graduated two dogs who have gone on to be successful guide dogs for persons with vision problems. corrections are completely non-violent and do not hurt the puppy in any way.

punching my sister in the face.

throwaway for obvious reasons. i am stupid. but to elaborate more on this i accidentally slipped up and they gave me the stink eye. i don't expect them to call me back.

telling my interviewees that i did drugs.

i'm not going to elaborate because i don't even know how to. pretty much, i totaled my car, my parents found out about my marijuana use, and i broke up with my girlfriend in 1 hour. oh, and i also became the biggest joke in school over my minecraft playing. i'll elaborate in comments when i get my head straight, like i'm literally still shocked to the core.

i really fucked up everything good in my life in one hour.

tifu... a lot

so at my school there is a very attractive girl, she's an exchange student from portugal named mari. exotic, tan and a cute accent. a week ago i happened by her number because she desperately needed tutoring in chemistry and i am good at science. so i became her tutor, got her number, and 15 bucks an hour pays well. so all's good? well i was going to pick up my friend to go see a local concert so i go to text him i am in front of his house. his name is mason. i jokingly type, "prepare your anus, i'm coming in hot" to let him know. i instinctively type "ma" into my shitty samsung phone which goes to the first name starting with "ma." mari comes before mason in the alphabet. until a week ago mason was the only "ma" in my phone. i completely forget that i had added mari. only when i saw "message sent to mari" had i realized what i had done. i held down my car horn in rage, and then the police came because i was causing a noise disturbance. so on to of the rapey text i got fined $50 and couldn't go to the concert. p.s. samsung is crap edit: she didn't text me back for a day until finally she sent me basically, "what the shit." i attempted to convince her that her english wasn't good enough and that she misread it. wrong thing to do. so she took her phone to her friends and parents to make sure that she didn't misread it. so now i appear to be a serial rapist to her friends. and then her parents. when they found out and i had a 15 minute conversation with a portuguese mother, using profanity in two languages. i am no longer her tutor and grounded. worst part? mason and i both took ap chemistry. now it looks like he is her tutor.

i texted "prepare your anus, i'm coming in hot" to the most attractive girl at myself school because i don't know the alphabet.

accidentally texting the most attractive girl at my school "prepare your anus." then got a noise disturbance citation from the police.

woke up, went to the gym from 9-11am. (tuesday) rested, ate and got ready for work from 6pm-12am, but i had to catch a train there...so i parked my car at a train station closer to my work. left at 4 and thirty minutes into my trip...i wake up smashing into a "no parking sign" front left bumper is fucked. steering works...but is fucked. thank god i didn't fuck up another person i.e. i didn't hit anyone; nobody is injured. still had to get to work since my place really relies on people getting to their shift (really busy and understaffed venue). when i finished, i troubled my mum at 3 in the morning to pick me up from a station closest to home... on top of that, my dad just got home from working domestically and he was expecting to come home and relax...but comes home to news of how i fucked up. on top of that, the girl i was going to go on a date on today (wednesday)...yea had to cancel that. and to top it all off, my band had a festival gig this weekend...3 days of awesome music and 3 sets to play at the festival...down the drain cause...i fucked up.

sleeping behind the wheel fucks me up multiple times...

one of the requirements to enter the mechanical engineering program at my school is that you have to get an a or b in calculus ii. you may retake it one time. if you do not get an a or a b after your two attempts you can never enter the engineering program here. so last semester i got a 78%. this semester i figured i would nail it, since i just took it last semester and had all of my old materials to study from, plus i knew most of it. well we had our first exam about a week ago. i earned a 53%. and it was higher than most of my friends' grades. we have lectures on mondays and wednesdays. yesterday i had four other classes to attend including a presentation in one of them, i was in a bad mood, and it was pouring down rain. so i decided to skip my 5:30 calc ii lecture (it was supposed to be on an easy topic that i know about). well turns out he gave out an extra credit quiz on monday. around 10 possible points of extra credit. and i missed it. to make everything worse, i had emailed him earlier asking him about extra credit and telling him my situation and how i was concerned about his course. all in all it was an email about as long as this post. he emailed back the words "i gave an extra credit quiz on monday." that was it. so now i have a 53% on my first exam, i missed the possible 10% extra credit quiz, and i look like a total ass to the professor. today i fucked up.

bombing an exam and then missing the 10% extra credit quiz too

throwaway account this occurred in 8th grade and still haunts me. i was doodling in my friends science notebook and thought it was a good idea to draw a hitler in the form of kirby. later in the day, when i was in orchestra class practicing our pieces for festival. the vice principal steps in and calls me and my friend out of class. she then gives a speech about how ashamed i should be as i drew hitler and asked my friend my picture offended him in any way. keeping the fact that i knew my friend is muslim, he still says no. i was relieved, but as passing period came rumors of me being anti-semitic spread like wildfire.i never ment to hurt or harass my friend as i thought that the picture would make him laugh. for the rest of the year, i was labeled as a nazi and outcast. fml

accidentally being anti-semitic

throwaway for obvious reasons. so i'm 14 and discovered masturbation a few months ago - this is to be expected of people to start watching porn and stuff. i had a soundcloud account linked to my facebook, and started listening to some porn to get me off. it normally helps me. so since it's linked, i start listening to some of that shit. i start masturbating, and then i get a call from my mom. pause, stop, answer. "hello?" "hi, _. i saw on your facebook you're watching _" *me, being in total and utter shock* "um, what?" "it says you were watching _ on facebook." "oh...it does?" i start denying everything. i then tell my mom i'll do something, hang up, and delete my account, hoping that the info will disappear. now here is my favorite part. i call my mom back and explain to her i deleted my account (which i never even used), and she says it's okay for boys my age to explore sexual content. she was okay with it. but it was still super awkward nonetheless. i appreciate how my mom knows it's okay, and that it's normal and doesn't mind. edit 1: i was home alone, as well. edit 2: /r/gonewildaudio shout it.

have soundcloud account linked to facebook, listen to some porn, and my mom finds out.

listening to porn

i know that sounds impossible, but hear me out. my phone is dead, so i bought a cheap alarm clock to keep me on schedule. it woke me up this morning, and at 11:45 according to the clock i headed to my first class, where i had a test. when i got to the classroom there was no one there, and i was a bit confused. i had checked my email before leaving and hadn't seen anything from the professor about the class being cancelled. then i saw my professor walk in to the classroom across the hall. thinking that the room had just been moved for some reason, i followed him into the room. i thought i saw a few people from my class, though the class is large and i don't talk to many people in it so i wasn't sure, but i sat down anyways. almost immediately the professor handed out the test, and then turned the room over to a proctor. i see more and more people walking in that i definitely do not recognize, and i begin to realize something is up. i look up at the clock at it reads an hour earlier than i think it should be. so i am wondering if my clock was wrong, or if this clock is wrong, or if daylight savings time ended without me knowing or something, and i am starting to freak out. but my professor isn't there so i can't ask him what the deal is and explain. i was so freaked out and confused by the whole situation that i couldn't concentrate at all on the test. pretty sure i failed it hard... it wasn't until i turned in the test and went to sign the roll that i knew for sure what had happened. going to email the professor and explain as best i can, hopefully he will accept the test i took in the wrong section.

taking a test in the wrong section at the wrong time

this one is pretty cut and dry... work in a very small office. when one uses the bathroom there is no question about whether it is 1 or 2. thought since nobody was upstairs that i had clearance to let one rip. i immediately regretted that decision. a faster than usual dash to the bathroom probably alerted everyone downstairs that there was something amiss. as soon as i sat down on the toilet i reached for the tp so i could check the damage... 3 fucking squares left...3. results from the first one indicated that this was going to be a fucking mess so i did what i had to do - folded that bitch in half and used it twice. every square inch of clean white paper was going to be needed if i was going to get out of this without having to go home for lunch. by some miracle the last square indicated a clean surface but by this time i had been in there way longer than a #1. so nobody used the bathroom the rest of the day and i had to go downstairs and get more tp out of the closet in front of everyone just to put to rest any doubt in their minds as to whether or not pooping was going on. little did they know....

never trust a fart at work. it may work once or twice but eventually you will shart and when you do there will not be any tp for you. because life.

trusting a fart while i was at work

last night before i went to bed i put icy hot on my neck, as to not get it on my bedding i placed a hand towel on my pillow, careful to not get the cold burning fury on my other pillows or sheets. fast-forward 9 hours, i'm redditing and decide to take a fap break. after "unloading" i reach to my regular towel and accidentally grab the towel covered in icy hot to clean my manhood... needless to say my balls feel like the surface of the sun, and my penis is swollen and wondering why i'm so damn stupid! tltr: i used a rag full of icy hot to "clean up" fapping.

using a towel that had icy hot on it....

this happens to a lot of people, but its especially crappy for me because i just earned $200 from doing a ton of volunteer work at a retirement home nearby. i was planning on buying a bunch of games on steam but now, i have to spend that money on buying a new phone. not exactly a grand tifu by any stretch of the imagination, but it's the little things that get to you.

bricking my last good phone.

i, 22f, am studying abroad in argentina this semester. as i am well aware, the country is currently in a state of economic distress and, as the unemployment rate is extremely high, many of the inhabitants have resorted to petty crime, such as pickpocketing, in an attempt to make ends meet. there's the background. a few days ago (today i didn't fuck up.. but i sure did on saturday morning) i was leaving a guy's apartment after he had already left to go to work. i get myself all ready to go and see half of the joint we had smoke from the night before sitting in the ashtray on the table. i have nothing else really to do the rest of the day so i decide to take a few puffs. feeling nice and buzzed, i put my iphone headphones in my hears, turned on my music and went along my way. after realizing the commute home would have been a 1.5 hour long walk i decide to wait at the 124 bus stop. there were trucks parked in the spaces in front of the stop so it was difficult to see the bus and to consequently hail it down. the woman in front kept walking into the street to see if the bus was coming, so i figured i'd leave that to her in order to eventually get on the bus. this was my first mistake, being completely still giving my assailants time to scope me out. a few minutes later a man comes up to me and mentions i have a stain on my back and that i should clean it. i feel around my coat and find nothing, so i continue in my trance from the playlist and the sunny day and the weed and the waiting. then another woman comes up and again mentions that there's something on my back. at this point i start to feel around my shoulders and when i pull my hand back i see that there is a huge glob of saliva on my skin. there are several trails of spit on my clothes. fucking gross. i also didn't know that throwing liquids/trash/spitting on people is a means of distraction for pickpocketers. awesome.. yay ignorance. while trying to clean myself up i become hazily aware of this woman and her two children standing uncomfortably close to me. i was on a busy street and i didn't think much of it, though my personal space was most definitely invaded. i didn't even notice my music stop playing. all of a sudden she's gone and a street vendor is yelling at me, bringing me down to earth telling me that i had just been robbed. then it all clicks. of course that's what just happened! my initial reaction was.. uh.. wait... what.. oh what the fuck!!! and i just kept thinking to myself: "why the fuck didn't this vendor intervene while he saw everything happening!?!?" i mean maybe the people were armed, there's many reasons. so he tells me that she got onto a bus that was (wow just my luck!) stopped at the red light a few yards away. as i confusedly approach, i realize that there are three buses, all completely stuffed. there's no way that i am finding her ever again. had my iphone jacked right out from under my nose. felt like a total idiot, also violated from the saliva shower. only solace is that the screen was completely fucked. oh well..

got spat on and robbed while stoned and studying abroad in a foreign country without even realizing until it was over.

being high and foreign.

drunk me thought it would a fun idea to have a three way with my flatmate and his male friend last night ( i am female ). and yeah, it was fun, but now my ass is paying the price, i am bleeding like hell down there!

having a three way and tearing my ass up

last night i was fapping to my favorite weird fetish, my little pony porn. after doing the deed, i just turned off my monitor and went to bed without thinking anything of it. fast forward to this morning, my mom comes into my room and asks if she can use my computer to check her e-mail. still half asleep and laying in my bed, i said sure. the severity of the situation didn't really hit me until my mom was about to turn on my monitor. as soon as she turned on the monitor, she was greeted with a screen full of rainbow dash's ass in very graphic detail. i went into full panic mode and jumped out of my bed while she sorta just gasped and held her hands over her mouth in shock. at this point i could have done anything else to better resolve the situation than what i was about to do. i could have closed the window, turned off the monitor and tried my best to explain. but instead, still in full panic mode, i punched my monitor as hard as i could and broke the screen. my mom left my room in a hurry. i'm typing this on my laptop now and i haven't left my room yet today because i don't know if i can ever face her again. not only does my mom think i'm a horse fucker, but now she thinks i'm a crazy, violent horse fucker. i'm so sorry, mom.

not closing my horrible, disgusting porn before going to bed last night

i just fucked up. like 10 minutes ago. i was reading tifu thread of a guy shitting is pants on his neighbours lawn (new to posting on reddit don't know how to link). anyway, my computer freezes and as i'm playing around with my mouse to fix it my boss crosses the line of hidden computer screen to full view computer screen. luckily reddit was closed and excel was open, but he looks at the task manager and boom! right there beside the chrome icon is tifu by shitting my pants.... yep, not very professional. i work in a high level government office. needless to say a very disapproving face was shown before he shuffled into the meeting. i don't want him to come out.

reading tifu at work

i got really nervous for a chem test today. so nervous, in fact, that i accidentally obliterated the side mirror on my car. my dad is furious because we don't have the money to fix it, at the moment. i ended up failing the test, too. (the second this week) several other minor things happened, as well. the wind blew my hair and because of the stuff i put in it, i look like dragon ball z all day. i spilled hot coffee on my shirt, and slipped on wet concrete. luckily, i didn't poop myself, yet. i'm having a shitty day and its only 1:30.

several times and the day is only half way over.

the backstory: for over a month now, i've been trying to reproduce the results of a paper as part of my final year undergraduate project. the system i had been working on was a 2-dimensional graphene layer, with a iron atom sitting on the top at a distance '*h*'. my job was to try and reproduce part of the results of a certain paper using a computing intensive *ab initio* code called siesta. each simulation potentially takes a lot of time, sometimes over a day to get the results. we have a small high computing lab at our institute, which i use to run the calculations. i had taken the distance '*h*', for my calculations, from this [page](http://i.imgur.com/ef1kvwy.png) of the paper. as you can see, the distances have been listed for various kinds of atoms, and fe, my atom of interest somewhere near the bottom. the notations t, b, h denote different sites for the iron atom to sit in the graphene layer. i had been trying to reproduce results for the h site on iron. so, the column i should be looking at is the one with h in the second row, under fe in the first column. a month ago, i thought that the distances were arranged like [this](http://i.imgur.com/10le6it.png) in the paper, and proceeded to perform all my calculations with an *h* distance of 2.02 angstrom. the results were extremely off the mark. i then tried out numerous things, changing pseudopotentials, basis sets, mesh cut-offs, k-point grids - varying almost every parameter possible to reproduce the results from the paper and in spite of my numerous efforts, could not reproduce what i was looking for. it didn't occur to me that i may have been misreading the parameters. there were many nights of frustration and desperation, with my research going nowhere for days. i had even poured over the source code of the program, trying to make sense of what was happening, to no avail. and now, today: i am sitting with my supervisor in the office, and i explain to him all the things that i had been doing, and my subsequent failure to go anywhere. he asks me to show him the paper from which i had taken the parameters for the calculation, and i show him how i'd taken the distance for h site for the iron atom. he shrugs a little, looks at the top of the paper on which the table is listed, and points out to me that the parameters were not listed as t, b, h as i had thought earlier, but as h, b, t. this means the parameters for my calculation were not like [this](http://i.imgur.com/10le6it.png) but like [this](http://i.imgur.com/myy7lom.png). i had been banging my head with a distance of 2.02 a, when in fact, i should have used 1.53 a. i hang my head down in shame as my supervisor, not sure on how to react just asks me to leave and report to him asap with the corrected results. i don't know if i've been able to put forth the magnitude of this fuck-up properly, but i feel very very stupid right now. i'm not sure what my supervisor might think of me now, and damn, all the lost hours due to the dumb stupid mistake. arrgh!

misreading the parameters to a simulation, potentially wasting hundreds of computing hours.

a p.a. to those of you who work in an office setting. if a printer asks you to change the "w" or "wa" toner, don't shake it. its not a normal toner cartridge, you can't fool this thing into working for an extra day or two by doing so.... this is the waste toner... you will ruin your clothes, the floor, and anything within 5 ft. of you. that is all. thank you.

attempting to change the "w" toner for the new printer at work.

a wee bit of backstory: i don't drink hard liquor, i don't like it and it doesn't like me. i can drink wine and beer regularly with little to no issue but stay away from the hard stuff. amongst my friends and family there is a standing ban against two types of liquor specifically; vodka, because it makes me cry like a baby, and tequila, because i will (attempt) to have sex with pretty much anything. now i think whiskey will be added to that list. the story: my wife and i are prepping up for a night of pizza, booze, tv at the liquor store and i reach for my old familiar 6 pack. she says that she is bored with beer and had heard one of her friends talking about how delicious rye whiskey and lemonade are, so i consent and grab a bottle. we get home and start mixing drinks, and the mixture is quite delicious. it has the sweet tang of lemonade and the oaky warmth of whiskey but zero alcohol taste, this is a bad thing. the drunker i get the less i can taste the alcohol, so the stronger i make the drinks, so the drunker i get and it snowballs from there. my next memory is waking up the next morning, still very drunk, and feeling like i've been trampled by a team of horses. my wife has already left for work an hour ago, so i get dressed rather sloppily and head out myself. i carpool and it was not my day to drive so i didn't drive drunk. i make it there and get settled in with a muffin to soak up the alcohol and text my wife to see why i am so sore. her reply, "you bit me and i kicked the shit out of you." i go to the bathroom and lock the door and take off my shirt to find my side and shoulder to be one giant bruise. these are the events of the evening as pieced together from my wife's story. i drank most of the bottle of whiskey by myself. she had two drinks with ~2 shots each, and i had the rest. i was not able to make it through the daily show and colbert report so my wife drug me to bed and tried to have sex with me. by this point i apparently had unprecedented levels of whiskey dick so that wasn't going to happen and i just yelled/sobbed drunkenly into my pillow for a while. she finds the quite amusing and starts jokingly saying things like about me being impotent (which i'm not normally) just so she can laugh at my over the top responses. eventually i just get annoying and it late so she rolls over and tries to go to sleep, accidentally pulling the covers off of me. so, i do what any rational person would do and bite her. and not a nibble either, i lock on like a pitbull and don't let go, apparently i also pull her hair. my wife slugs me in the forehead until i let go, then a few more times in the side of the head and the shoulder/rib area for good measure before kicking me (literally) out of bed. she isn't mad, in fact she finds it quite hilarious. but i have never felt worse (mentally or physically) and it doesn't help when she makes spousal abuse jokes. edit : some words.

i'm a light weight, i fight like a girl, and my wife has a wicked left.

getting black out drunk and biting my wife.

i'd been planning to switch banks for some time now. i have been stewing and stewing over the fact that my bank has started assessing a $6 monthly service fee if your account balance falls below $500 during any time during the previous month. so they're charging me for being poor. if i was wealthy and could maintain a high balance, the account would be free. that just seems horribly wrong to me. so today was payday. i took my check to the bank and told them i wanted to keep out part of it in cash and deposit the rest into the account. the lady said "i'm sorry, since this check is drawn on a different bank, i'm going to have to deposit the whole thing and it will become available to you first thing tomorrow morning, but i can't give you any cash out of it today." i replied with "okay, why do i even have an account with you then? i'm just going to come inside and close out my account." i went inside, expressed my opinions about their monthly "being poor" fee and the fact that they wouldn't give me my money most verbosely, calling them "useless" and "the most un-helpful and uncaring bank i've ever used." about an hour or so later, it hit me: on february first, i filed my federal income taxes, and scheduled my hefty return to be direct-deposited...into the bank account that i had just closed... where is my pride? i seem to have lost it. i've had a bit of indigestion lately, i think maybe i swallowed it. the last time i saw it was right before i called the bank, apologized, and begged them to reopen my account... which they were kind enough to do, preventing me from having to wait months and months while the irs kept my refund tied up in limbo.

got mad at my bank, closed my bank account, and then realized that my federal tax refund was scheduled to direct-deposit into that account. had to call them and beg to get it reopened. my pride is no more. it has ceased to be.

closing out the bank account that i had scheduled my tax returns to direct deposit into...

ok, so this happened a couple weeks ago in my research lab. this might be a little confusing if you aren't a scientist or chemist, but i'll try to make it readable for you non-scientists out there. btw, i am an undergraduate researcher, so you can imagine some of the stupidity that will ensue. i work in a lab that tries to make crystals to see if a unique chemical structure is formed. one time i was using ethanol (alcohol) as a solvent for my reaction, and i knew that the product formed from the reaction would not crystallize with ethanol, so i had to vaporize the ethanol out of the solution by heating the solution beaker on a hot plate. once the ethanol was vaporized, i was left with the product in the hot/warm beaker. now this is an aside, for some reason or another the graduate tas and research educator prof i work with in the lab do not use the vent (hood) for many dangerous chemicals, like dichloromethane. maybe its because they find it inconvenient to work in the hood or maybe its because they work with dichloromethane so much they kinda forget about its dangers. so i thought since they don't use a hood when using dichloromethane, then maybe i don't need to, for the sake of "efficiency" (stupid mistake, very stupid). in case you don't know the dangers of dichloromethane: the first thing you have to know is that it is potentially carcinogenic. the second thing is that if you inhale/consume enough of it, then you can/will get carbon monoxide poisoning because dichloromethane is metabolized into carbon monoxide. carbon monoxide poisoning can lead to temporary blindness/blurriness. the third thing is that dichloromethane has a relatively low boiling point temperature (point at which the liquid turns into a gas that you can breathe). now that the solid product is in my hot/warm beaker with no liquid ethanol, i am supposed to dissolve the product in dichloromethane, so that it will crystallize in a couple days. ok, so here's when things go outta hand. i start to add dichloromethane into the beaker, and i notice that the dichloromethane was vaporizing, like when you add water to hot skillet when you are washing it after you used it on the stove. i thought, no big deal, i do this all the time to cool down pots and stuff at home, no harm done? wrong! the next second, i took a normal breath of air. and my lungs sank like an anvil dropping to the bottom of an ocean. i realized what i had just done to myself. i, immediately, put the beaker into a vent (hood), and started breathing heavy to try and get as much dichloromethane out of my system as possible. i knew it was too late, but then i assured myself that i didn't breathe too much because i only put in like a couple mls of dichloromethane into the beaker. i left lab and went outside for like 30 minutes, and thankfully i didn't feel any strong effects due to the dichloromethane, except for blurriness in my eyes for a couple minutes (i think the blurriness may have come from the placebo effect of knowing the side effects of inhaling dichloromethane b/c i was thinking of that first). i think i am lucky to be alive. reddit, tifu, and plan on not fucking up again in lab by being a shit ton more safe, rather than being "efficient".

i breathed a dangerous chemical because of stupid and unsafe lab techniques, and i should count myself lucky that nothing too dangerous occurred to my body because of it. now, i'm going to be the safest scientist ever.

breathing in dichloromethane at my research lab.

*no, this story does not affect the counter. breathe a sigh of relief.* so, i went to the doctor today and left with a giant list of medical exams to get done. alright, cool, let's do this. i head up to the nearest place to start this business, get some blood taken, a urine sample, alright. next thing i know, i am handed a jar and told to take it home and supply a stool sample. oh, and be careful, that's acid you're carrying. dear god. okay, alright, i can do this. i make my way home and derp around online waiting for the movement to hit me. and then, it does. it's showtime. as per instructions, i am to put saran wrap over the toilet and make sure no toilet water/urine touches the "sample." seriously, this is so awkward. to save from excess embarrassment on my part (haha, just kidding), i'll just fast forward to the part where i now have to shovel the remnants into this jar of acid. and then, and then! they have to audacity to tell me i need to stir this shit up. literally. they want you to make a "soup" out of this. after 25 minutes of "fuck, did i do this right? i really hope i didn't fuck this up, i don't want to do this again" i am ready, and i head out. i get back to the office to drop it off, and suddenly it hits me: "holy fuck i forgot to write the date on the jar!" so now i have to ask the nice lady behind the desk for a pen. i discreetly (i was a brash, rude, flustered idiot) ask this lady, who is currently assisting somebody, for a pen. i try to find a seat off to the side so i can pull this monstrosity out in privacy - but no such luck. it happened to be a very busy time, as luck would have it. i pull the bag up to my chest and hope to god i wrote the correct date down in my flurry of scrawling and head up to the only other employee helping people. i was instructed earlier in the day that when i dropped off the sample, i would not have to get a number or wait in line. so, like a bumbling moron, i interrupt yet another person. she finishes up with him and then, she does the most horrific thing i could ever imagine: she pulls this damn jar of acid-shit out right in front of everybody. she's holding this thing up, staring at it so intently, i thought for sure she was going to examine it there, or at least let everybody else on the entire god damn planet take a look. i tried to tell myself that it didn't matter, lots of people are here for the same thing, but man, i ran out of there as soon as she gave me the okay. and that's how my jar of acid poo was displayed to the world today.

letting my jar of fresh acid shit get exposed in front of 20 other people in public

i was taking a tour at a distillery with a group of coworkers. after the tour was the tasting. the tour guide mentioned glycerin and the lady beside me (who was a fellow co-worker) said "isn't that in soap?" - i replied "i don't know about soap, but i know it's in lube". a quick google search showed we were both right - but why did i say that in front of coworkers?

knowing that lube contains glycerin

i was coming up with sentences to share out in my russian 2 class today and i thought it would be funny to ask someone if they were wearing pants, since it was kind of an inside joke with my friends in class and my teacher wanted us to come up with some creative sentences so i used something kinda obvious. i ended up calling on my friend amy and asked her if she was wearing pants (in russian) and for delivery i did it in a sort of serious but also cocky voice like i knew i was trying to be funny. unfortunately i had used a british english to russian dictionary to translate pants and was actually asking her if she was wearing underwear..there was an awkward silence and i got some stares of slight disgust from my teacher and the visiting woman teacher who i had a good relationship with since she was also my choir instructor at one point. my teacher corrected my mistake but now my friend thinks i'm a perv and possibly my teacher does too.

asking a girl if she was wearing panties in front of my class...

i was at the mall at night sitting on a bench waiting for someone. all of a sudden, some girl comes up to me and asks me where the starbucks is. at this point i thought she was joking around with me since the starbucks was quite literally just 10 meters away, and so i respond "oh it's right there". to which she responds something along the lines of "you see, that really doesn't help me, cause i'm blind". so i offer to take her hand and walk her to the starbucks 10 meters away. i tell her that she's now at starbucks, she says "thank you" and for some reason i reply with "thanks". i become flustered after realizing how stupid that sounds and then i say "sorry" for some reason. needless to say, i feel like i should've helped her at least to the counter instead of letting her go at the entrance. the whole encounter left me kind of embarrassed. i suspect i reacted in the way that i did since i really have like zero confidence in dealing with women especially when it comes to physical contact even as simple as holding someones hand.

socially awkward interaction with a blind girl

my fuck up actually started yesterday when i ate panda express for lunch and then mcdonalds for dinner. i'm usually a really healthy eater so the introduction of this food into my system hasn't been treating me well today. so i was back in the bathroom to shit for the fourth time today and when i entered the bathroom i was talking on the phone and i forgot to lock the door. i should mention the bathroom i was using was a male bathroom, it has a urinal and a stall with a toilet, but because of the flow of people it has been converted into a unisex bathroom that you are supposed to lock while in use. so i'm in there just blowing shit everywhere and talking on the phone. i should also add that considering the door was locked i didn't shut the stall door and i sat with my pants and boxers all the way to the floor rather than up around my knees like people usually do in a stall, because no one was supposed to walk in. well the next thing i know i hear someone turn the handle, but to my surprise the next thing i know someone is walking in! i scramble and shut the stall door and lock it as fast as i can and i hear them say something when they noticed someone was inside, but they promptly left. i stand up and waddle over to the door and lock it and sit back down and continue on with my business. the person i was on the phone with was obviously wondering what the fuck was going on and when i tell her what just happened she begins to laugh her ass off and she can't stop laughing and is laughing so hard we have to cut our phone conversation short. i spend a lot of time hoping whoever it was that walked in on me will be out of proximity of the bathroom by the time i leave. so i attempt to sneak from the bathroom back to my office but i was spotted by the office secretary who noticeably turns and is obviously wondering who the fuck she walked in on in the bathroom shitting and yeah it was me and she knows it...fuck! edit: typo

didn't lock the door and female secretary walks in on me with stall door open and pants around ankles while shitting

not locking the door to the bathroom

tifu by misjudging my priorities... so, i've been home sick all say. generally not feeling so hot. coughing, sore throat, general lethargy, and a bit of bowel distress. anyway i tried to eat some supper, just soup and a sandwich. shortly after, i was informed that i would be vomiting. i prostrated myself in homage to the porcelain god and upon the first heave also proceeded to soil myself. yes, reset the counter...

misjudging my priorities

let me start off my saying i know it's only forty bucks so its kinda whatever, but just listen. so i went to the dump for my mom, which is about three minutes down the road. i get there with my two bags of trash which costs a buck. i pay the guy and get these ticket things you throw down the chute with the garbage. i put the garbage down the chute and reach in my pocket and grab the stickers and throw em down with the bags. i drive home, let my dogs out, and then empty my pockets so i could take off my jacket and i find the two stickers still in my pocket. so i'm thinking to myself, "i swear i just threw them down the chute..." then it hit me and i reached in my pocket and of course my two nice crisp twenties were missing. so i flew back to the garbage man (going 65 in a 35 with a jeep cherokee mind you..) almost flipped my jeep on the way, and when i get there i explain the problem to the guy. what does he say? "just ran the compressor about a minute ago, sorry bud, keep the two stickers for next time though." all i could think was "fuck.... fuck." asked the guy if he knew what reddit was, he was old and of course said no but i told him i was putting it on here despite the fact he was probably thinking "this kids a fuckin moron.." then went home and went directly to my ipad to inform the reddit community how much of a dumbass i am!

threw fuckin 40 bucks down the garbage chute and got back a minute too late to have any hope of getting it back because my dumbass didn't realize it. one expensive trash day.

throwing away 40 dollars

so i decided to take the fiance for a nice meal at a nearby japanese restaurant. a short trip on the bus would do us nicely...or so i thought...the front seats are priority seats for old people so i led the other half to the back of the bus and sat down. not long afterwards my leg started getting a little chilly, no worries i thought, there's just a breeze. after stepping off of the bus and touching the back of my leg i noticed it was wet. upon a gentlemanly sniff of the offending liquid.....i realized it was pee.

used a bus, made my fiance and i sit in someone else's pee.

using public transport.

it's my birthday, so my mum says she is going out to get something for my birthday surprise and will be back in about an hour, so i decide to shower and get ready for my birthday surprise. so i get out of the shower, and i don't have a towel but since i was home alone i walk to the dining room where there is a laundry basket full of clothes and towels, because that's where my mum usually does the ironing. so yeah i skip down stairs naked, singing to taylor swift - i knew you were trouble. so i skip into the dining room, naked, singing. all of a sudden.. "surprise!". almost my whole class from school was there, and some family members, including my grandparents, my mother, cousins and my auntie and uncle, and i just basically skip in singing my heart out, loudly thinking i was home alone, completely naked, dripping wet. i am now in my room on my own crying my eyes out, my crush was there as well, and they all saw me naked..

tifu

i work in a students union in an office upstairs. my friend works on the reception, right in the middle of the main entrance foyer downstairs. we both are big fans of the walking dead and are both pretty much up to the same point in the series, her always being a few episodes ahead. we love to discuss the show after i have caught up, so i was very excited as i made my way down the stairs one morning to talk about the episode i had watched the previous evening. i was so excited that when i came to the foyer, with my friend behind her desk facing me on the opposite side of the entrance hall, i couldn't help but start lumbering towards her, head cocked, arms writhing and outstretched, loudly snarling, moaning and groaning, doing the best zombie impression i could. i thought it would make my friend laugh, excite her for the upcoming zombie conversation, and also to try and distract her while she dealt with the lone customer who was stood with her back to me, talking to her. the hall was almost empty save the girl with her back to me. as i lurched ever nearer, i was confused as to why my friend was not smiling at my funny joke, but instead looking horrified and almost frozen with panic. it was too late before i realized why. only two paces from the girl with her back to me, i continued with my brilliant impression, idiotically ignoring my friends grimace and instead increasing the vigor of my performance as i drew nearer. all at once, with horror, i realized what i was doing. i heard the girls voice as she noticed me and spun around. i could not break character fast enough. we locked eyes, my face contorted, arms akimbo, body bent. she had downs syndrome. she thought i was mocking her. the world stood still as my friend, paralyzed by the proximity of my shame and shock, stared at me, mouth agape. i had no words. i locked eyes with the stranger for what felt like eons before turning tail and fleeing outside. fortunately, there were few people about; the entrance hall and reception area is usually packed, so only the three of us know my cringe-worthy shame.

people with downs syndrome are not likely to appreciate your zombie impression, no matter how good it is. **

doing a zombie impression in the most inappropriate situation imaginable

let me begin by saying that i do not sit in the shower very often. however, when i am very tired or stressed, i'll sit with my knees clutched up to my chest and enjoy the water on my back. and usually, i get up very slowly so as to properly let blood flow to my head. usually, that is. done with my washing and rest, i decide to stand up. on hope and slightly wobbly knees, i stand. the familiar ache and blackening of my vision follow, except this time, it kept getting black and kept hurting. i caught a few glimpses of my shower walls and a few dream-like flashes of something i could not decipher. when i came to, i was lying on the floor of the shower with my head lamely hanging through the shower curtain. the sides of my head throbbed with intense pain and my right foot, for a reason i couldn't discern, also ached with an intense pain. groggily, i stood, cursing my luck. i turned the shower off, dried off, and hobbled into my room to get dressed. i still don't know how long i lied there on that floor. edit: i got drain bamage.

sitting in a shower.

we were having the best day of our lives, the funnest day of our lives. me and her were hanging out and all the right things happened. i was so caught up in it and all that i thought nothing could go wrong. we spend so much time hanging out together that we're practically a couple, and our parents are practically family. so i said, "you know what? we should be married. let's get married!" i'll admit that a part of me likes her because she's very attractive, but we're not in love and we're not boyfriend/girlfriend nor are we dating. i was saying it jokingly of course but she didn't take it very well, pretty much had an "ugh..." tone. she already has a boyfriend. things got quiet, before she just told me that she was having the very best night of her life and i think i may have just ruined it there. we played it off as though it was just a joke i made in really poor taste but i feel like i may have done more damage then we let on. kicking myself, really hard.

jokingly proposing marriage to my best friend.

i use a private ebook torrent website to get ebooks. on it, people can request certain books, and you get rewarded for uploading them to the site. my little sister lives with my parents in a city with a library system that allows access to thousands of ebooks, so i asked her if i could use her card information to borrow books, with the intention of uploading them to this site… …last night, she casually mentioned that she can see what i've been borrowing with her account. i didn't get what she meant, until i realized that the most recently borrowed books had been "the sex game bible" and "101 advanced sex positions for maximizing intimacy". it was *not* easy to explain torrents, private trackers, ratio requirements, the bounty system, etc.…

using my sister's library account for ebooks…

i am going to be as vague as possible to attempt to remain anonymous. i went to a party and i didn't know anyone there. my friend (who i went with, lets call him "a") has a friend (let's call him "b") who knew the people throwing the party. a and i show up to the party late and b is already there. after being there some time it wasn't very exciting so i tell a lets head out and go elsewhere. before i leave (intentionally vague) i steal a large sum of money (intentionally vague) from the party. a and i both leave. today i find out through a, who has been talking to b, the people suspect i stole the money. the person whose money it was wants to call the police but hasn't yet. a knows for a fact i stole the money and has now told b what happened. b knows the people who threw the party and is probably closer to them than i am to him/her. i have no problem giving the money back the person at this point, it was a stupid mistake and i don't even want it anymore. there are 2 things that could potentially happen if i give it back. 1.) i am basically admitting to stealing it and if the person wants to call the police i can be easily found guilty. 2.) the person could claim more money was stolen (which i guess they did already) and try to get more/call the police and then refer to 1. i don't know what to do. i just want to get the money back and hope they don't pursue me anymore. edit. note: apparently b hasn't told anyone from the party it was me who stole the money. (yet, may or may not) note2: b understands my concerns of not wanting to get caught in a big mess by giving it back. note3: b apparently has done things like this before and knows where i'm coming from.

getting drunk and stealing money from a party.

today i fucked up by running into a pole with my car while trying to leave work today. a stopped car was in the aisle i was driving down so i cut across parking spots, looked to my left, and drove right into a damn handicap sign pole. my airbag deployed and the front of my car is all fucked up. i bit my tongue hard and slammed my chest into the steering wheel. to top it off, some guy saw the whole thing. he asked over and over if i was ok and i said i was fine just so he wouldn't come over. worse is that i don't have the $500 for the deductible to fix it so i don't really know what to do. if i report it to my car insurance, they'll most likely drop me for having too many prior accidents, plus this one. i think i should buy a bicycle.

driving my car into a pole

so, to start off i am 13 years old and this all happened last sunday. i was messing around, not thinking, and was swirling a half dollar in between my teeth. as unlucky as i was, it slipped in between my teeth, went down my throat, tried to cough it up, made it even worse, and completely swallowed the damned thing without a problem. i still wonder how i did not choke on it. well i tell my parents that it was just a qauter to lessen tension on them and go along the week until friday hoping it would pass. my hopes were nothing but crushed as 5 days go by without passage. so on friday we go and get an xray and waddya know, its still stuck in my stomach. two days go on and were still hoping for the best. suddenly, my little brother gets a stomach virus and starts vomiting all over. bad news, since its still in my stomach by then, or as i thought, if i threw up it might come up and i could choke in it. of course as luck would have it i wake up only to start projectile vomiting all over the damn bathroom. the quarter didn't come out, luckily, but we still needed to go to the er to make sure i was safe. so today i spent a good 5 hours in the er, got two x rays done to find out it passed into my colon. but because it is so big, theres a chance it might not pass and i would have to get surgery, but, theres also the possibility that it could just rip right through my colon causing me the worst pain of my life and giving me a colin bag for my shit if i live on the outside of my body forever. of course, thats only a 1% chance, but its still there. just, wonderful. i am praying to god i shit this thing out and be done with this burden. heres an update: it has not passed and most likely going to get a tube up the ass and get it pulled out. pleasant. :<

[accidently swallowed a half dollar, went to the er, and could actually die if it rips through my colon.]

swallowing a half dollar...

this actually happened a couple weeks ago, but i'll start with how things work. at the ups hub the loaders get packages that come down the belt from the sort aisle, then you load them into the semi trailer. that trailer might be going to florida, new york, or another state that your area covers. well, sometimes the people that slide the packages down your trailer's chute, slide down the wrong bags that are filled with packages. well, in the hurry i was in (being peak season and all) i accidentally forgot to check/scan one of the bags. aaaand it just happened to be bad. the worst one that could come down my belt. it was full of paychecks to the louisville hub. a hub of 5,000+ workers. and i loaded into a northern ohio trailer.

i caused an entire hub of 5,000+ people to not get their paychecks for a couple days.

not checking if the bag that came down my belt actually went into my trailer or not. (i work at ups)

barely even 10 days ago, my mom got me a brand new samsung galazxy s4 for christmas. anyways, last night i went to my friends birthday party and after the party ended, my drunk self thought it would be a good idea to walk home. (the walk probably took around 2 hours but luckily it wasn't raining or too cold) midway through my little adventure home, i realized that i didn't have my phone. the problem here is that i don't remember if i had my phone when i left my friends house. i told my friend what happened and asked him to keep me updated if he finds it or not but i have yet to hear back from him. i'm really worried that it somehow fell out of my pocket when i was walking home. i tried using the android device manager to track my phone but i'm quite sure my phone was out of batteries by the time i tried tracking it down. best christmas ever :/

got drunk and lost my brand new s4 the day before christmas

getting drunk

hey… i really like hentai. especially stuff that involves ballbusting and cuntbusting. genital injury really gets me going. it's not like i'd want to take a kick in the vajayjay myself (i'm a wimp about pain), but i loooove to fantasize about it. my parents have some family over right now for the holidays. last night, one cousin asked me to pull up his facebook page so i could show everyone a picture he posted. i ran to my room and grabbed my laptop, forgetting that i'd most recently used it for… inspiration… during a rather personal activity. the whole family, about fifteen people, gathered around. i opened my laptop, to unveil… a leather-clad anime girl stomping another girl in the cooch. well, that was embarrassing. i quickly changed it to facebook, but not before everyone had a good glance at what i look at in my private time. i sort of stayed in my room for the rest of the night. this was a very awkward christmas morning. i'm pretty sure my parents' view of me has changed forever. **(nsfw)** [here's the picture in question.](http://i.imgur.com/rnyfqj2.jpg) **(nsfw)** merry clitoris.

now my family thinks i'm a kinky lesbian weeaboo. (nsfw)

she tried to blow it out, leaned over it and caught her hair afire. she was not badly burned, and just a little sore from her older brother pounding it out. scariest christmas eve, ever. i'm so thankful right now. have a safe and happy (insert whatever your celebrating).

leaving an unattended candle around my 4 year old

we told yo-mama jokes and we joked around about stds. she was dressed like a reindeer, so i pet her and we role played. obviously, we understood each other's humor. she was done with med school and was working in a hospital, so she obviously had the smarts too. i could totally imagine myself spending the rest of my life with her. i forgot to get her number!!

i met this beautiful girl with an awesome personality

i'll admit this didn't just happen today. this was years ago, but i thought you all would enjoy it. i was 18 years old and had just moved out of my apartment about a month prior. an acquaintance of mine moved into the same apartment 'block' as me a month before i moved out. this is important. she held a party one summer evening at her apartment and i attended with some friends. i should say, at the time i was known as a guy that likes to drink. tonight was no exception. bring on the whiskey. cue blackout. you know when you wake up from a night of heavy drinking and your memories are just flashes of pictures. you string them along creating a hazy timeline. picture: me stumbling down the stairs "i'm hungry..." picture: me standing at the drive through window "you need a car to use the drive through. we can't serve you." when i wake up after drinking way too much alcohol my consciousness comes in stages. first i became aware of my body. i'm uncomfortable and cold, why do i not have a blanket? what the fuck am i laying on? a 35lbs weight. i open my eyes and see i'm sleeping on the ground and in what appears to be a weight room; i was sleeping next to the bench press. things start churching in my disoriented, hungover mind as i started recognizing my surroundings, and i begin to panic. i was in my old bedroom! how the fuck did this happen!?!? i tried thinking of ways out of this. i put my head to the door and could hear voices. a male and a female. can i climb out the window? no, that's a long fall. there was only one way out of this and i knew what i had to do. with my ear against the door i lightly knocked. i heard a gasp and a murmur. there was no turning back now. i opened the door and came out with my hands up. the new apartment owners were an asian couple in their mid 20s and the they were not very happy to see me. i immediately tried to explain that i used to live here, i don't know how this happened, please don't call the cops or kick my ass. i told him i still had a key to the apartment as i was never told to turn it in and never bothered to take it off my keyring. i figured the locks would get changed. i gave him the key and he told me to empty my pockets to show i didn't steal anything. we were at a standstill, and he was seriously considering calling the cops. and do you blame him!? imagine that! cooking breakfast with your significant other on a sunday morning when some haggard looking stranger comes wallowing out of your weight room! how do you react to that? he eventually let me go. he told me to never come back to that apartment complex. i agreed and left. i ran faster than i've ever ran. i must have ran a good mile before i stopped and called my friend to pick me up. apparently i told them i was going to get some food and never came back to the party. turned my cellphone off and said fuck it.

blacked out. trespassed.

after a party and woke up in my old apartment

ok, so its just turned midnight on christmas day, and i need to get sleep, so i try the tried and tested way by having a christmas wank.. i put on a porno, on my laptop, plugging in my headphones so i don't disturb my housemate who's sleeping next door. now, i leave my door open, as does she cos our dog likes to go between rooms at night. so there i am, cock and towel in hand - and just as i've shot my load, i look up, to see my housemate in the doorway, saying something to me. now i can't hear what she's saying cos of the headphones, but she sees what i'm doing, and clasps her hand to her mouth in shock, and turns back to her room, giggling. realising my position, i just burst out laughing. next time, i'll get under my covers and close the door!!

getting caught wanking by my housemate

well, this happened a while ago, but i only got around to writing about it now. i went to live in thailand for 2 months starting earlier this year. everything was going amazing, it was great. i was with a group of about 20 people. we were about to go on an overnight trip to a place called doi inthanon, the largest mountain in thailand. as we were preparing to leave, it dawned on me that i had forgotten something. so, in a rush i ran back to my room to grab the forgotten item. as i approached the stairs to my room, i slipped on the wet concrete, resulting in me face-planting into a concrete step. at first i thought i was fine, just a graze on my face, and a decent gash on my knee. it all just felt numb. when i entered my room, i decided to check in the mirror to see how bad the graze was. however, it wasn't just a graze; i had a large gash on my left cheek, and 3 teeth had been broken (almost nothing was left of them). i grabbed the items i forgot, and walked back to the group. i went straight to one of the thai staff members, and told them about my fall. i was driven straight to thai hospital, were i was lucky enough to get an english speaking doctor. it turns out i have 3 broken teeth, a slightly damaged jaw on the left side, and a scar on my knee from the gash. needless to say, i fucked up. i still continued on with my stay in thailand, and had a great time, even without 3 teeth. best 2 months of my life.

falling over in thailand

so, my calendar starts every week showing the sunday, not the monday, meaning that where tuesday is on most regular calendars, on mine it shows monday. the exam date/time/room etc is all written in the monday box and has been there for about six weeks, but i have been reading the calendar as starting on the monday, putting my exam on the tuesday. my revision timetable has been worked out assuming the exam is tomorrow, i have been doing some last minute cramming today and was feeling pretty confident. that was, until 9pm, when i checked facebook to see one of my classmates put up a photo saying "post-exam chillout". knowing that we have the same three exams, i panicked, checked the online exam timetable to see the exam was 2pm today not tomorrow. having never cocked up quite as spectacularly as this before, i have spent this evening crying down the phone to my mum and stressing out around the house. going to meet my tutor tomorrow, have already emailed her, but as it was 9pm by the time i realised, i have not had a response. here's hoping i haven't just thrown that module in the bin.

missing an exam worth 50% of the module.

this actually happened several years ago when i was around 13 years old. i was bored at home one hot summer day and decided to take a long bike ride into town. i lived around 15 minutes away by car from town so i had a decent ride on top of the fact that it was very hot and humid outside(i'm guessing around 90 degrees f). so anyway i ride into town and make it all the way the edge of town furthest from home and decide its time i should head back. by this time i am very tired and exhausted from this long bike ride so i stop at the local 7 11 and get a bottle of gatorade. i drink some of it and start heading back home, this is when things went bad. maybe a minute or so after i get going again i start feeling sick to my stomach and did not feel like riding my bike anymore and it just so happens i was right at the library when this happens. i get the great idea of parking my bike outside and to go inside the nice air conditioned library for a few minutes to cool off and feel better. i sit down on a chair in the library and after not even being in there for 5 minutes i suddenly start to just throw up all over the floor. this was not just a tiny bit of vomit either this was a huge amount all over the carpeted floor. the librarian starts to clean it up while i go into the bathroom to clean myself up and i just felt so embarrassed that i quickly leave the library hop on my bike and get the hell out of there. it has been roughly ten years since this incident and i have never gone back to that library. went on long bike ride, get sick to stomach, go into air conditioned library and throw up all over the floor.

going to the library.

so today was pretty horrible for me. also, throwaway because some people i know at school browse reddit and this subreddit quite frequently. and the last thing i need is someone to find out all of my dirty secrets today was one of the last days of school (last official day for seniors is friday) and we had gotten our yearbooks last friday. everyone has been signing each other's yearbooks and i was happy when i got to my first period because it means that i get to see my crush. a little background is in order. i'm a girl and so is the girl i like. i am bisexual and i haven't come out of the closet yet and i'm not quite ready to. i plan on doing it soon, but it's not just something i want to do overnight. anyway, i've liked her for about three years and we are going to different colleges. we have first period together and i would say we're friendly acquaintances but not quite friends. earlier in the year i got this bright idea to write a ridiculous love poem that i would put in her locker. i don't know why the hell i decided to do it, but i decided to do it. the poem is okay. it's not too cringy but it's not that bad. it is basically proclaiming my love for her from an anonymous person and saying that i will always have a place in my heart for her. so this weekend i printed out the letter and i decided to seal it up nicely and put it in her locker. i left my 0 period class to go put it in her locker so that no one would see me. all went according to plan and i thought i was in the clear. then i went to first period. so in first period we're passing around yearbooks. i had this whole note planned out where i told her how much she impacted my life and etc. it was just supposed to be in a friendly way with no romantic overtones. then i got distracted and got up for a second. when i came back, i forgot what i was writing. i finished the note and when i went to sign my name, i put a heart next to it with my name which was typical. then i put "i love you". i didn't realize my mistake until i was handing it back to her. luckily she doesn't read them until after we're done at school, but i'm freaking out about the consequences of this. i'm sure someone will notice and say something. also, i'm not the kind of girl who says "i love you" randomly to other girls. it seems out of place when i do it and almost everyone knows. so there isn't any writing this off as an accident.

put a love poem in the girl that i have liked for a while's locker. then accidentally signed "i love you" in her yearbook.

signing my crush's yearbook and leaving a note in her locker.

so i'm taking a math class that is only at tuesday and thursday at 8 pm to 10 pm. in this class the grades are based off of 3 tests. the first test is week 5, the second is week 8, and the last test is the final on week 11. the last day to withdraw from a class is week 7. the tests are worth 30% except for the final which is worth 40%. so i took the first test a few weeks ago and i got a 27%..... this means that i need atleast an 80% on both tests to pass the class. i did not think this was possible, so i opted to withdraw from the class. i got all of the paperwork signed and then forgot to turn in all of the paperwork; that was due last friday.....i'm sooo screwed i don't even know what to do.

and i might fail this term of college

let me preface this with the acknowledgement that no, i am not a genius, but i *am* a reasonably smart guy. unfortunately, i am nontheless a *guy*, which also means when i'm horny, i'm motherfuckin *horny*. i recently got a pretty gorgeous girlfriend who is also into harry potter and is generally pretty fantastic. it was a really insane story for another thread, but basically, she is/was the "it girl" on campus and has been around. one night, after watching night at the mueseum 2 (solid motion picture btw), we were swapping weird sex stories. she was kicking my ass, of course, as she had known more guys than i had girls. she mentioned one guy who was really into ass play. apparently, he had had the most intense orgasm she's ever seen. couple minutes later, we bang, something something basilisk in her chamber of secrets. sex is fun. well, a couple days later i got curious. i decided that i needed to try ass play. don't ask me the reasoning; i had it in my head (and later i would have it in my butt) that this was the only way to go for now. i looked around for something to use, but weirdly didn't have much to work with. finally, i found an empty [blackberry izze bottle] (http://i.imgur.com/icpyhjc.jpg) that looked okay. i think even then i knew it wasn't my best idea, but i was also determined that *this empty beverage was gonna go in my butt, god damnit*. it started off well. i had watched a little porn to understand what to do. you may not realize it, but the male prostate is only a couple inches past the anus; i didn't have to go deep. nonetheless, i was enjoying it moderately and pushed my limits. i don't think it would have been my greatest orgasm, but then i never found out, so maybe i should reserve judgment. anyway, i challenged myself to go deeper and deeper. by butthole was not used to this, and in a way it was like a competition with myself to prove that if i wanted to, i could get some surgery and star in backdoor sluts 12. it was enjoyable, if stressful. then it got bad. i was doing this in my bedroom, ass in the air. little did i notice how i had inched toward my low, wooden nightstand. i became a tad bored, i suppose, and with 1/2 the bottle from the opening up my ass and unaware of my future despair, i made the biggest mistake of my life: i jerked my ass up, slamming the bottle into the nightstand and **shattering the bottle inside my asshole.** **what the fuck. jesus. awww lord reekis someone help the fuck my butthole my butthole jesus fucking christ!** the pain was the greatest i have felt in my life; the panic of the shattering, i believe, had caused my anus to close as tight as possible, trapping the broken glass inside. furthermore, as i immediately slammed by ass to the ground, the glass inside further shattered. imagine *pieces of broken fucking glass, too big for your rectum, desperately poking and clawing from the inside to escape, as your poor ass bleeds from the wounds inside*. worse yet, simply *farting* caused the glass to sink deeper into my rectum. yes, the slighest bowel gas or movement increased my pain ten-fold. i called the hospital and got an ambulence sent; they rushed me there (on a bumpy highway, mind you) and three hours later i was in surgery. i'm in a hospital bed now, and i can't look any of the nurses in the eye. most of them giggle when they go over any treatments because they know what happened. my girlfriend literally cannot look at me without cracking up. she has taken to calling me glass-ass, or the broken butthole.

, i tried putting a bottle in my ass and it shattered, plunging me ino an infinity of pain and permanently bruising my manhood. also, my rectum.**

experimenting and exploding a glass bottle inside my ass

left the bar and stopped at my gf's house. her little sister was asleep, parents at work, little brother out. she was supposed to pick him at at 11, and it was only 10:20pm. so out of no where she starts fooling around with me, turns to a bj, but i'm buzzed so i tell her i cant finish and she tells me just to fuck her. i do, right there on the couch. but since her sister was in the house too (and me being a drunk genius) decide to leave our clothe on to be safe. i pull her shorts and panties halfway down her legs, my cock was already out, but pants still on. we bang it out, her legs over my shoulders and i finished after about 5 minutes (intended quicky). i go to the bathroom and she heads to her bedroom. i come out, see her on her bed, and bone her again. but being drunk and just cumming less than 2 minutes before, i lost my hard on after about 5 minutes. we pack up and head back to living room, and she has a text from her brother "you are dirty ;)". yes a winky face! turns out he walked home early, saw us through the front door, dont know what happened next, but he waited until we went into her room to sneak downstairs to his room. she went down to talk to him and she asked him what he saw he said "you on the couch". i wouldnt be surprised if he stood there watching.

** drunkenly boned girlfriend on her couch and her brother saw us, sent her a creepy text

having sex with the front door open.

well not today.. long time listener, first time caller.. i just moved into my place back in november.. around december, middle of summer here, i had some pastizzis baking in the oven. it was a scorching hot day, so i was just casually walking around the house shirtless wearing some shorts (i'm male, don't get excited gents) anyway the time comes to take the tray out of the oven. i grab the oven mits, grab the tray with them. my kitchen bench is behind me when i'm facing the oven, and the kitchen isn't super spacious. so as i turn my body to place the tray on the bench, the side of the tray touches my stomach just below my navel. burnt me good. not 3rd degree let's rush to a hospital burnt, but burnt. fast forward to may, and i still have the scar to show for it. seriously, i fuck up a lot. if this goes well i might be inspired to share some other embarrassing stories.

baking shirtless

my sister was over to babysit my two kids... and happened to find the semen sample i have to bring to the lab. having had a recent vasectomy, they wanted to test me to make sure i'm sterile and stay that way. my sister happened to see the lab sample container and asked my fiancee what it was. needless to say, she left it alone... but was a little grossed out. it's not like it was terribly awkward or anything. /s

tifu... my sister discovered my cup o' jizz in the fridge

earlier tonight i wrote a tifu post labeld "tifu by taking my girlfriend to the supermarket" i focused on writing this for far too long. now my girlfriend is upset and won't talk to me. while i was in the shower she took the car and went for a drive. i'm worried that she is looking for an adrenaline rush and that she is going to get hurt. she has no phone on her and has trouble seeing road signs in the dark. i should have just keep all my feelings inside while i was with her so she didn't get into a mood that makes me worry about her safety i know gramma and spelling is bad edit: she made it home safe and so did the car. we are all good now.

writing a tifu post

for most people this wouldn't have been a problem, but i'm a woman who has been in relationships with men up until now. the last relationship ended not so well with me telling him that i liked girls. so today i go shopping with my girlfriend, totally forgetting that my ex worked that day. i haven seen or spoken to him since i broke up with him. so it just happens to be that i bring my girlfriend to his work on the night he is working. the second i pulled into the parking lot i realised what i had done, what i was about to do. he was a perfectly happy kid never been heartbroken, and i ruined him. just when he is starting to get better, i come along and fuck everything up, by rubbing salt in the wound. i couldn't turn around because we had already gone to the other supermarket in town and walked out with nothing it would look weird going back again, so i had to follow through with the biggest fuck up i have had in a few months. now i'm looking at the keyboard thinking about what just happened wondering if there was a better way to handle the situation (which there more than likely was). wondering if any of this makes sense to any of you redditors.

taking my girlfriend to the supermarket

but it was tasty bacon.

getting bacon grease in the cut on my finger.

i work in an auto center at a large shopping mall, and after work today three other coworkers, one of their girlfriends, and i wanted to smoke a bowl and hang out after work. so we all drive up to the very top of the parking garage where there's no people, and start boxing my friend's car. we finish smoking, and are just chilling in the completely boxed car when two police interceptors and a mall cop roll up behind us, and come talk to us. blah blah blah cop bullshit about pot being a narcotic and illegal to do pretty much everywhere (i live in washington, where we just "legalized" pot). we didn't get arrested, but i got nailed by a trespassing charge from mall security. i guess i can get charged with criminal trespassing (first degree) if i come back anytime within the next year. but i work within the area that i am not allowed to go in, so i don't know what i am going to do about that. i might just get fired when i show up for work tuesday. today i fucked up.

smoking weed at the mall where i work

so i'm wrapping up my homework and everything is fine, but i want to have my girlfriend check over my speech to see if it is good. i have not made the best grades over the last couple of semesters and am trying to fix my gpa by doing extremely well in some easy classes. i ask my girlfriend to check and see if she thinks my written speech is good. she says that she will only check my homework if i agree to marry her. so i write at the bottom of my speech: "if you read this i will eventually marry you." the only thing is, i forgot to delete that line before i submitted the homework, and my teacher has the edit function disabled. i sent the teacher an apology message, but i still haven't heard back from her yet.

accidentally proposing to my speech teacher

i was talking to my mom about how nothing phases me, except spiders and r/spacedicks, thanks to reddit. she then asked me what r/spacedicks was. seeing as she's a lurker, and semi familiar with reddit, she wanted to see it. i tried to convince her otherwise. but nevertheless, she made me pull up r/spacedicks. i don't know what i've done...

showing my mom r/spacedicks

the person was really understanding and forgiving, and deleted the email. then i fucked up again, by sending the person an email gift card, saying thank you for the understanding, that will now be a permanent reminder of the situation, along with anything that is bought using it.

sending an email about a person, to that person

i head over to her house, as usual i say my hellos and have a pleasant conversation with her mother (who seems to like me). we head upstairs to play gamecube (it was smash bros day), after an hour or so of playing we started getting promiscuous. i took off her belt and slid my hand down and started going to town. we just recently started dating and i had done this before, but she had yet to return the favor. she slid down my pants and started jerking me off. things were getting pretty nice, she had never done that before but she grasped the concept pretty quick (so punny). her mom stealth modes it upstairs, and even with my perfect hearing i failed to hear her... she was a freaking ninja. she opens the door while i'm 2 knuckles deep in her daughter while she has a firm grasp on my dick. we look like deer caught in the headlights, and we're both having miniature heart attacks. she says, "door stays open from now on" and i leave after 15 minutes of "maybe she didn't see anything". she has yet to confront her about what we were doing, but i can't help but feel like i won't be allowed over there anymore.

fingering my girlfriend with her parents home.

this guy calls in, we'll call him rick since that's his name and he's an asshole. rick calls in and starts screaming at me: r: listen! you tried to rip me off. me: i'm sorry, what happened? r: i was just in your store and you told me i could only get $10 for a coin that's worth $300!!!! me: i do apologize sir, i didn't get your name? also do you have the right business? i open at 10am and it's 10:05am. i haven't had a customer today. what was the name of the business you're looking for. r: it's you you asshole! i was just in there. i talked to you! my name is rick since you need to know so bad!!! me: what is the name of the person i spoke with? r: stop being stupid! just fucking listen.... now it's at this moment in a phone call like this i hang up but i'm having a good morning and i want to see where this goes so i let him continue: r: this coin online says it's worth $300! me: that coin you have specifically? is it in a case of some kind? r: no! me: well i do apologize sir. we can't guarantee that coin specifically is worth that amount unless it's been professionally graded and cased. we can certainly try to get as close to that value as possible but i would need to look at it first. r:....where are you located. this is where i throw my punch in...metaphorically speaking... me: we're in the same location you were just at. r: which is!? you know what....how do you stay in business with your smart mouth? *i mute the phone me: by putting it on your moms box.* r: i was treated poorly by the guy in there and i was lied to! i demand to know your name *mute the phone: bj cobbledick* r: and who your supervisor is! me: the guy who films your mom and i fucking. *mute the phone* r: what!? now all the yelling and verbal beating is warranted. he said he would be down and that he expects to see my supervisor. hopefully he goes back to the place he went to the first time or he was just blowing smoke and won't do anything at all.

i told an angry "customer" over the phone i fucked his mom while someone filmed it.

adding commentary.

guys, i've never really fucked up this badly, and i really don't know what to do. the other day i was chilling with my girlfriend, we were in another city for her cousin's wedding so we had our own hotel room to ourselves. everything was going great, we were having a great weekend, and i thought it was really the time of our lives. of course, like any close young early 20s couple, having our own hotel room meant quite a bit of sexy times. it was great. we both discovered each other's bodies in ways we hadn't before. it was pretty much perfect... until i fucked things up royally. after cuddling up in bed after quite a bit of foreplay, she asked me what my #1 fantasy was, and she would do it for me, as long as i followed along with hers. i always thought mine was a little awkward, but hey, we were together for quite a while now, nothing could really go wrong, right? so, i explained everything out to her. my #1 fantasy is me coming home after a long, stressful day of work, completely tired out, and needing to relieve a whole load of stress and frustration from the day. so, to accomplish that, i lay back on the bed, and start to masturbate, letting everything all out. however, it's taking especially long to climax, and my wrist begins to get sore, and i start to get really frustrated. however, when all seems to be lost, i feel a hand on my wrist, and i look up to see her, pretending to be casey janssen, my favorite baseball player. (now if you don't know who casey janssen is, he's the closing pitcher for the toronto blue jays, and one of the best cp's in the league. for those unfamiliar with baseball, the closer's role is to come in at the end of a close game and finish it off without letting the other team take the lead.) "c-casey..?" i ask. "don't worry" she says. "it's me, casey janssen. i'm here to help you close this out." she then, masquerading as janssen, begins to jack me off, letting me finish and giving me the best climax possible. however, when i told this to her, she just looked like she got really weirded out about me wanting her to pretend to be him, and we didn't really do much more sexually, and she didn't really talk to me much since for the rest of the weekend. now we're both back in our own respective homes, and she hasn't talked to me since. :( did i fuck up, guys? she's not responding to my calls. i really hope she'll come around but i think i ruined the best relationship i ever had. summary : i asked my girlfriend to pose as my favorite baseball player to help me get off, now she's not talking to me

discussing fantasies with my girlfriend [nsfw]

a few weeks ago, my boyfriend invited me to meet him at a hotel. so i'm thinking awesome, random hotel sex, no big annoying road trip needed. i've actually not been with him (we've only been dating a month or so), and i'm still in that "omg wtf if he thinks i'm not perfect? i want him to think i have a perfect, bangin' pornstar body," mode. bright idea! sugar wax strips! so i buy them a few days before and on the morning of, get up the courage to groom myself. i'm getting ready to wax my bikini area and think to myself, "gee, what if he thinks i have a fuzzy ass?" i have plenty of strips, and think if i run out it's no big deal, i'll just use my razor and trimmer, since i can at least see that part of me. so i read the directions and stick the wax strips anywhere on my bum there is hair. then, i go to rip them off and... pain!!! but gosh, something else doesn't feel right. i touch my cheek... sticky. i freak out and climb up onto my sink to look at my rear in the mirror, and i can feel it... my ass cheeks are glued together by this wax! then, i see the horrible green perfectly rectangular shapes of wax stuck to my skin. not only did it hurt, i only succeeded in pulling my hair. and of course, gluing my two halves together. so i quickly draw a hot bath and scrub with a ton of soap, it does no good. i thankfully remember that i have a bottle i mineral oil that might work. it does for the most part... but i still have lingering stickiness and my skin is now lovely red and raw. hey, let's just have pizza and watch a movie tonight, boyfriend!

trying to wax excess hair in inaccessible places.

a friend of mine invited me to his house one day. we're both big gamers, and he just bought a new 3ds a week or so ago with mario kart 7. before this, i just started playing mario kart wii again after digging it out of the depths of hell. i played it with a **wii remote.** so after hours of messing around on the ps3, xbox, wii, pc, and (kill me) wii u, he brings out his 3ds. i've never used a 3ds before, and i'm not entirely aware of its capabilities and functions. i watch him do a couple races and he asks if i wanna have a try at it, so he gave it to me and i started up the race. it was mushroom gorge, a track with a lot of air time, lots of jumps. as soon as i got air on the first jump, i shook the 3ds violently, hoping that mario would do a trick in the air. "stop it man! wtf are you doing? you're breaking it!" me: "holy shit, bro! i didn't know! how do you do a trick?" "press l." the next turn came up, and i pressed l. then i shook the life out of the 3ds. only this time, the screen bent a little too far backwards. i sat there in silence, stunned at what ungodly thing i just did. my friend gave me a blank stare. i attempted to snap the screen back into place. i had to apply a little force, and there was a loud snap. the screen went floppy like a flaccid penis. "oh, it's okay. i have warranty on it," he said that, looking obviously unsettled. he hasn't contacted me since and he deleted me on psn.

breaking my friend's 3ds whilst playing mario kart 7.

i was a freshman in high school. i was in my last period class, biology. of course, my add kicked in and it was extremely hard for me to concentrate on what the teacher was talking about. so i pull out a small spiral, with like 200 pages in it. earlier that week, i had started a sort of insider with my friends to make a new type of meme called "sometimes i" jokes. these jokes always began by saying "sometimes i" and never made any sense whatsoever. especially not to someone who wasn't in on the joke. if i remember correctly, here was one of the jokes: "sometimes i pretend i'm john lennon and fondle mojo jojo's tits." like i said, these jokes had absolutely no point to them. at all. there i was, writing in that notebook, when my biology teacher realized i wasn't paying attention. she walked over to my desk, took my spiral, and continued teaching. in my mind i was panicking. i was so scared. after class, she called me up to her desk, and the worst thing imaginable happens... she opens the spiral. with my terrible luck, she of course happened to flip to the worst joke in the whole book: "sometimes i rip my balls off with a chainsaw and then staple them back together." what the fuck was i thinking when i wrote those? i was immediately sent to the principal, my parents were called, and every joke was read to them. every. single. one.

i wrote hundreds of dumb jokes in a notebook and my parents, teacher, and principal think i'm mentally unstable.

writing jokes in a spiral.

throwaway for many many reason. i'm 17 for starters, i have my life planned, college already paid for amazing gpa and act scores. my life is pretty much set. with my mentallity i want all my partying to be set aside in high school because the career path i'm taking won't allow any of it. but i fucked up. i got drunk off a shit amount of whiskey and eventually found some hydrocodone. i ended up taking 13 of them. during the night i was fine, that's why i took so many i couldn't feel the effects but come the morning everything changed. i overdosed, hard. i've passed through many of the symptoms but i'm still suffering. at one point i thought i was going to die, i couldn't even drink water with out vomiting. i think i might have done permanent damage. i'm too afraid to tell me parents, my mom is oblivious to the fact and just thinks i got food poisoning.

while drunk.

the cops just called me, asking me if i let aescobar32's roomate drive the car. he apparently drove an hour away and ran out of gas and the cops stopped because they looked suspicious. he is drunk and no gas in my car means i need to go to a gas station, grab gas, go get my car, punch my roomate in the face, leave him there and head back. what a motherfucker.... im about to get a ride there... brb

just now when i lent my roomate my car

a bit of background: i'm almost certain that i have an overactive bladder. it's an incredibly windy day in the city that i reside in. i'm driving through an industrial area where there is quite a bit of crime, and therefore are virtually no public restrooms as they most likely would be frequented by rapists and junkies. i had drank heavily the evening before this, and had worked out during the morning, so i'm filled with water to rehydrate me from both activities. it hits me like a brick wall - i must pee, or i'm going to pee my pants. i pull into a gas station parking lot, run inside, and am told that they aren't allowed to let customers into the bathroom for safety reasons - fuck. out of desperation, i walk next to the building and have an internal debate: do i urinate in this parking lot? no, too many people and not an offense i need. i run back to my vehicle, and begin driving down the road praying for a restroom ...and that's when i spot it. i haven't driven one block when i see the abandoned gas station with a lone porta-potty in the vacant dirt lot right next to it. i wouldn't normally use such a horrible facility, but it was either this or the seat of my car. i pull right up to the porta-potty, jump out and (leaving my car running) bust inside. as i'm taking an insanely high-pressure piss (this stream was truly powerful), i feel it...that...feeling in the rear. i try to hold the rear-end's contents in, but the sheer force from my bladder is causing everything in that entire region to let loose. i had my options: i can either, as a grown man, poop my pants, or pee on the porta-potty wall. i figured i had peed on less appropriate things at this age, and swung around while jerking my pants down to my ankles. as i begin, as my friend once put it, "chocolate shotgunning" into the general area of the toilet, while still pissing all over in front of/on me, the wind, which has begun to pick up drastically, rips the porta-john door completely open. it is then that i first see another vehicle pulling into the parking lot. as the truck pulls in, i frantically finish my business. a man exits the vehicle, begins to walk up, and i hurry to pull my pants up over my poop-covered butt and semi-soaked front. i exit my box of shame that is the porta-potty, and quickly close the door to it. as i turn and begin waddling toward my vehicle, he stops to talk to me for a few seconds about how windy it is. after nodding my head and smiling, i speed-walk to my vehicle as he opens the door to my mess. i couldn't bring myself to look in that direction, and sped out of the parking lot as fast as i could.

pooped and peed all over a porta-potty while the door was ripped open by the wind. additionally, a kind old man was then exposed to my shameful doing.

thinking i had to urinate, and in turn spraying liquid diarrhea all over, just in time for an elderly man to walk into it.

average day at work, not too busy, not too slow either, i just recently quit drinking so i'm not completely focused today not that my job really requires my 100% focus 100% of the time anyways so i'm getting by just fine. i'm getting ready to go on my break while waiting for another co worker to come in at 5, he's usually late so i decided to just go before he gets there, figure what's a few minutes anyways. so i head up stairs to get my headphones so i can drown out whoever's outside, i walk out of the department and quickly glance behind me to if he's there. bam. i hear a crack, fuck my first reaction was i knocked something over and it smashed on the ground. nope, i turn around to see this little girl her head laying on the floor and beginning to cry her fucking eyes out. her mom runs over and picks her up with my apologizing relentlessly, even after i come back down the stairs with my stuff. still feel fucking horrible about this, she seemed to be ok just upset like any kid would be but still can't stop thinking about it and how that little girls doing now.

turn around for a split second, little girl goes down.

not paying attention

so my day pretty much sucked. let's start off with the shitty morning of me waking up early at 7:30. so i just sit on my couch and recollect my thoughts of my daily chores. half asleep, my mother comes upstairs saying we need to help my 90-year-old grandmother. **shit just hit the fan** so we scarf down a leftover pancake and head out to the car. we drive 2 blocks down the street to my grandmothers crappy old house. we push her out in her rickety old wheelchair to the 90 degree car, as she bitches and moans about how she doesn't wand to go outside and "she wants to stay home and catch up on her shows." now mind you when shes home she constantly complains about being lonely. she does have a caretaker who does not speak fluent english, so when you combine that with a defective-hearing old lady, you get a serious tornado of confusion. we drive to the mall and walk around macy's and all the terrible woman stores that my mother drags me to. but, after about 3-4 hours, we decide it's insanely hot and why not get some ice-cream? ohhh ho ho hooo! that was the moment of truth! we drove to wendy's and ordered four chocolate frosty shake things. we drive around the neighborhood so everyone can indulge on the fine delicacy that is chocolate. but this was no delicacy....this was satan's very shit in my cup. after about 2/3 of my ice cream demolished by my sweet tooth... i felt a shit coming on. so i asked my mom to politely pull in front of my house so i may rush to the bathroom. i sit down as a stream of brown liquid floods the porcelain throne in which i sit. oh god the full blown squirts. 4 times in the past 2 hours have i shit the milky ooze. my toilet is clogged and i still have to shit. at this point my anus has the grand canyon tearing through my buttcheeks. i take a shower to cleanse by bungholio of its pain. i apply some cream to stop the burn. that was a **mistake**! i've never felt such pain in my ass it cannot be put into words. and it still burns now. an hour later.

i ate a wendy's frosty, got the shits, burned and tore my butthole into a gateway to oblivion, and clogged my only toilet

going to wendy's

after washing my clothes, i put on some slippers and went out to the balcony to hang them up to dry (i'm in egypt right now, we don't have dryers here) when i stepped on a dead... thing, and it stuck to the bottom of my slipper. it was either a mouse or a bird, i couldn't tell 'cause it was half rotten. for a while i didn't realize i stepped on anything, and i just went about hanging up the clothes. after a few minutes, i started to notice a pretty nasty smell (ever been to a farm slaughterhouse? that's what it smelled like). i had a few windows open so i figured it just drifted in from something on the street, and started looking around the apartment for the air freshener. with my slippers still on, and the dead thing stuck to my slippers. i walked all around, pressing rotten dead bits into the carpet everywhere i went. eventually i just thought fuck it the smell will go away by itself, and continued hanging up the clothes. after i was done, i sat down to read a book, and noticed the smell still there. got up and closed the window, but it persisted. i looked around for the source of the stench, but try as i might, i just couldn't find it. eventually i noticed the smell seemed to get stronger the closer i was to the floor, so i put my nose to the carpet and took a huge whiff- and immediately gagged. finally figured out i must have stepped on something on the balcony, maybe a piece of poop or something, and looked at the bottom of my slipper, and lo and behold, a clump of half-decomposed festering thing-flesh was stuck to the bottom. now the whole apartment smells like dead animal, and i don't have any air freshener or cleaning supplies.

walking around the house

this actually happened a couple months ago but idgaf. those of you who browse comment threads may have seen my story briefly explained before. well i'm gonna tell the whole story now. see, i used to be a chain smoker. so even when it was hot, and there was nothing to drink, i still couldn't resist one of those ***awful*** chinians. my dad thought i had stopped smoking and would kill me if he had found out at the time i was still smoking. with him having gone out, and my mum knowing about my smoking, now was my only chance. well, you know that stereotype about how it's always cold up here in canada? that's fucking bullshit. we got an early summer here in ontario. so, as you saw earlier, really hot, nothing to drink. see where i'm going with this? basically, i was dehydrated, overheated, and decided to light up a flaming cancer stick. ***fuckshit*** the second i was finished my smoke, i fell onto the floor. you have no clue how sick i was. i picked myself up, put the dog out (my mum didn't notice me shambling around) and ran to the bathroom. i puked for 10 minutes without stopping, then shambled into my room like a zombie on lsd. i passed out seconds later. my dad knows now. i told him.

having a smoke while my dad was out.

fucked up by not paying attention to the announcements in the train i'm in now. the train was supposed to go to my hometown but, for some (undoubtedly shitty) reason, turned the fuck around and is now heading back in the opposite direction! it is extremely frustrating to be heading in the wrong direction and not being able to do anything about it! changing trains will cost a lot of time. stores close in 15 minutes, so i will be going hungry tonight and tomorrow morning. fuck

not paying attention to the announcements in the train

yesterday evening my mother and i were walking through the mall. i turned my head to the left and saw a beautiful casual dress in the window of hot topic: black with a pink "galaxy" pattern and white stars. it looked like someone had put pictures from a telescope on it. seeing that the dress was only twenty five dollars, my mom agreed to buy it for me as a reward for my good grades if they had it in my size. i went inside, and a very nice but pushy saleslady showed me to the dressing room in the back to try it on. there was a rather short velvet curtain covering the entrance. it was knee-height on me and had to be hooked to the side of the wall. i stood in the middle of the dressing room so i couldn't be seen through the small gap between the curtain and the wall, and to read an article about death cab for cutie that was pasted to the low ceiling. at that moment, i decided i wanted to see how the dress would look with the high-tops i was wearing at the moment. after struggling to get my jeans off over my giant feet, i realized the shoes looked stupid and tried to take them off. this was where the fuckup came. for some odd reason, i didn't sit down on the nearby bench or lean on a wall. i stood in the middle of the closet-sized room on one leg and began trying to pull off my right shoe. however, the shoelaces are too small and even with the bow undone i couldn't get it off. instead of merely sitting down, i continued to pull at the shoe, balancing there. a fireball of pain exploded in my left thigh, the leg i was balancing on. in my quest to remove my shoe, i had been putting a lot of strain on my left thigh muscle, which now gave out. the sudden pain made me lose my balance and i pitched forward, falling through the velvet curtain and onto the floor of the hot topic. the dress took this opportunity and fly up, exposing my underwear and the back of my bra. the pushy saleslady grabbed a clothes rack on wheels and rolled it forward to shield me from the rest of the store, but i know a few people saw me. five minutes later i staggered out, limping, and we bought the dress.

didn't sit down while taking off my shoes, got a cramp, exposed myself to a store full of special snowflakes.**

not loosening my sneaker

i texted my dealer asking him for two bags, thirty minutes later he's one street away so i set off to meet him. as i approach his bmw i see my guy and a heavily fake tanned, tramp-stamped, made-up girl exiting a dvd rental sho- think it was a bluray in his hand though. he's quite an amiable guy so we raise our hands and exchange greetings as we get in the car. hand over the weed, hand over the money. done. i get out and walk the few dozen meters back to my house. as i do so i get out my iphone and open up a text, i fire off "shak's girlfriend is hideous." to my friend who is waiting back at the house. i realise my mistake as the white bar slowly crept toward its nub of an ending and by some small miracle i managed to swipe, tap and press with surgical precision. i'm ten meters from my door, i sprint the remaining distance and i'm in. locked. bolted. "oh fuck, oh fuck" that's all i say for a quarter of an hour. it is now three hours later and we've heard nothing yet. good job we have this weed to calm down with.

texting my drug dealer

*using a throwaway because well, who knows who reads this site. anyway, i never thought i would be worthy of a post here. not because i think i'm perfect, but because my fuck ups usually are not that notable. i was wrong.* let me set the scene for you: my wife and i just moved in with some family. now by family, i mean grandmas house, her parents live here too, her sister and sisters husband, and their two kids. not a huge house. very christian household. anyway, we are currently stationed in a family room because all the bedrooms are occupied. we have a door to the outside that just so happens to be on the same outer wall as a door into a laundry room and office where the main door is left open and only the screen is in place. now this sounds like no big deal, but to get into the house we have to go outside and back in through that office door. (we have the official doorway inside blocked) so i, as male, love peeing outside. around 3am i wake up, feel the urge, and meander on out the door. at night, i don't make it in the other door. why? nobody is awake. pee outside! ahhhhhhhhhh, sweet release. well, also as male, i had a little chub going on down there. i figured "what the hell, i am going to fap one out right here. then i will go right back to sleep all comfy" proceed to a few minutes of outdoor, cool breeze fapping. it was glorious. truly unlike any fap sesh in at least a year. i hear someone! peek...look normal (dick in hand), nobody. whew, scary. well, it is three am. why would anyone be in this secluded area of the house? proceed, and finish on lawn. another sweet release. much better this time. and then the inner door behind me shuts with such ferocity it is as if dwayne johnson was the mysterious being on the other side of that opaque window. what had they seen? who was it? my mind races. i stand there for another couple minutes, then go back in. no sounds outside our room. i wake up this morning, nobody has said anything to my wife or i. i now live in a constant state of fear; fear of when or if i get asked what happened last night on the patio... ***reddit, today i fucked up.***

i may have incidentally met dwayne johnson.

enjoying a few minutes outside alone at 3am, or so i thought

monday. i was home alone. figured i could have some "me time" and did it. no problem. my tv is in the living room, and i did "it" there. there's a fan there. now when i finished, i was almost 100% sure everything was fine. no remnants on the floor, the tv, nothing. or so i thought. until today, when i walk past the fan and see three spots on it. i immediately knew what it is. the "stuff" had dried, turned yellow, and is now some sort of mold like substance that is sitting on the fan, and in some ways, blowing all over my living room. i'm both disgusted and intrigued. how the fuck did this stay like that for that long? but i'm too much of a wuss to clean it, so now sit here, and have to decide whether to clean up week old ejaculate on my family's fan or touch it and most likely vomit like linda blair. fuck me. [proof of said fan. the picture doesnt do it justice how glaringly obvious it is] (http://i.imgur.com/mknw77z.jpg)

by..i don't know how to explain this really...just open the text

warning, wall of text. i work at a mcdiabeetus. and we sell sweet tea, any size for a dollar, this being 'murica, it sells like crazy (especially the large sized), especially after april. the tank in the lobby ran out of sweet tea so i was tasked with putting sweet tea in said tank. i do the routine, take the tank behind the counter and set it down. then i'm supposed to take a bucket and put the sweet tea in that bucket into said tank. this is where it went to hell. the bucket slipped out of my hand and sweet tea and ice went everywhere. after the shock of what happened, i took to cleaning it up (an hour os my life i will never get back. i'm cleaning and laughing/crying over my idiocy, while everyone just laughs. i then have to move a cart out of the way to clean under there too (it will become relevant shortly). i begin deck scrubbing that area and then go to get more water. suddenly the water won't come and i was stuck using nasty water. the back sink also stopped working and the toilets wouldn't flush and anything using water just shutdown (including the soda machines). we couldn't sell soda, wash dishes and the bathrooms were put out of order too. we were worried it was something majorly serious. the store manager was called and the police department was called. they dispatched the water department and the problem was found quickly. turns out someone had shutoff the main water valve, shutting off water to everything. he showed how it could have been done, and i was the only culprit. the hispanics in the kitchen all said "genius, you no bueno." i was dubbed the walking disaster

i dropped a bucket of sweet tea and when cleaning it up, moved something turning off the water valve, shutting down water to the whole store.

spilling sweet tea everywhere and shutting off the main water valve.

so. . .my mom and her friend left state for a week or so, i'm supposed to be house sitting the friend's house... woke up, had a wake and bake, drank a few brews and decided to go home to shower and grab some food. . . when i got back i realized i had locked her keys inside of her house and left my weed, pipe and beer right on the coffee table. the alcohol doesn't matter as i'm old enough, but everyone thinks i stopped smoking weed a long time ago (i recently started again) i tried finding an open window or finding a way to get in but a neighbor came over and was asking who i was. . . ummm. . . fuck edit: i ended up being able to get in a side door using a credit card. smoked my stuff. all is well.

house sitting and locking the keys in her house and my weed on her table

so i was pan frying chicken breast in olive oil and butter, and boiling pasta (in a different pot). so i'm doing that thing where you scoop the frying butter over the chicken while it's, well, frying.. but then i wanted to stir my pasta, but i didnt want to stir it with a dirty spoon so i full on stuck the spoon in my mouth and just sucked it like it had soup in it. now the inside of my lip and a bit of my cheeks are grey/white, like fried pork colour.

frying the inside of my mouth

so to start off, i am a medical cannabis patient. and because i cannot smoke by my house because my grandparents would kill me, i find time to smoke a half a mile from my house. so here i am driving along smoking a blunt, enjoying myself after a long day at work, when i decide i am finished. so i start rolling the cherry out my window. little did i know it was hella windy and being in a moving car didn't help. so instead of my cherry blowing out the window, it blew right back in my face, my eye to be exact. still moving, i start swatting my face, and than i realized the cherry flew into my passenger side foot well and hit some paper that i had down there, and what do you know, it caught fire. so i pulled over and spent 5 minutes stomping out a small fire in my car. edit: i'm a girl. i was getting tired of being referred to as *he*

smoked a blunt while driving home, tried to put it out, started a small fire in my car. i am a dumb ass.

smoking on a windy day

today, i took my sat subject tests, one in math ii and another in physics. the first test i took was the math ii. an hour later, i then took the physics one. without knowing, i accidentally erased and added my physics answers to the math test answers. so, i only finished 2/3 of the physics test and i botched several of my math ii answers. i guess there's always next month.

filling in the the answers of one test in another test.

more like "two years ago i fucked up", in this case. my high school was putting on a musical and i was on the crew because i wanted to participate, but don't like to sing in front of people. my job was to open and close the curtains at the appropriate times. easy enough, and i became close friends with all the cast members. for the entire play, i sat at a small chair just behind the fully closed curtain. behind me was the backstage room with the costume rack, sinks and mirrors, and some old lockers. it was opening night. the show was starting in twenty minutes and the school gym was already full of people. no one was supposed to go out from behind the curtain at this point. i don't know if it was nerves or what, but my stomach started rumbling and i had to shit. i had to shit so, so badly. i managed to hold it in for fifteen more minutes, but when everyone was preoccupied with mic checks and lighting checks and makeup, i was sitting uncomfortably in my chair, feeling like i was going to explode. i couldn't even sit properly, instead having to sit with my ass about an inch off the seat. i knew i had to go before it was time to open the curtain for the beginning of the show. the only person not occupied was the male lead. i managed to stammer out (intimidated because he was a senior) "is there a bathroom anywhere back here?" wordlessly, he pointed to what i had thought was a supply closet. it *was* the size of a supply closet, and i felt like i was getting stared down by the filthy toilet brush in the corner, but it was a toilet. i released fury from my bowels and felt sweet, sweet relief. then i got up, wiped and flushed. i sat triumphantly back in my chair and opened the curtain. after the first two or three songs, the director of the play, a teacher, came up to me and took me into the backstage room to go through some materials i would pass out at intermission and extra microphone tape. he saw me glancing at the bathroom and said, "don't use that toilet, it doesn't flush right." puzzled, i said, "yeah, someone told me that" because i was suddenly overcome with shame and didn't want him to know i'd used the filthy corner toilet. the play went flawlessly until intermission. i was sitting, back against the wall, with some other girls when the director stormed out. "who the hell used the toilet?" he said. i'd never seen him so angry. everyone started sniggering as he repeated, "who did it? i told you all it's broken!" like a wave almost, everyone got up and ran for the bathroom. i heard laughter and then someone shrieked...there was a single turd, floating in a puddle of brown shit water in the middle of the toilet. i stood there shamefully, staring at it. as i left the bathroom, i caught the male lead's eye and had no words for the expression on his face.

i managed to screw up by not shitting myself.**

pooping in a toilet

on my bike ride thursday night when i hit that gravel and my bike jackknives and i fall left and landed full onto my back left side! so they tell me '7 fractured ribs'. i weigh 180 + bike 17. no damage to bike. thanks to a guy named sid for protecting me until i could get up outta the road, theresa the other cyclist theresa who stopped to break my bike down for deb's trunk & my cousin once removed, sandy, who fetched deb and returned to tell she was on the way. finally the staff at sharon hospital who took great care of me, especially nurse brenda. my gratitude to my wife deb for all you did to put up with my pain. — feeling sick. no it'a week off, vicodin & flexeril until i am relatively pain free.

getting '7 fractured ribs'

oh. my. god. this is fucking awful. so brief background: i've been on adderall for a while, right? well the loveliest of side effects is that it makes your shit set up camp and just chill in your intestines. technically you could say "yesterday i fucked up", but it is today that i am reaping the repercussions of my actions. so basically i hadn't pooped in almost a week. bad news bears, i thought. so around 2pm i decided to take a single extra-strength laxative to kick down the doors and do some spring cleaning. no biggie. i do this sometimes. it usually results in a leisurely 30 minute session of poop just easily coming out of me like frozen yogurt. naturally, later, i got hungry for dinner. being the laziest fucking hambeast there is, i reached for something quick, disregarding my decision earlier. what i grabbed was my industrial size box of fiber one bars, you know the kind you can get at bulk stores and could probably sustain a third world country for a day. so i sat myself down at my desk and resumed doing some college shit. i had my delicious fiber one bars, of which i thought would be a good thing if i brought the entire box with me, and my glass of chocolate milk. now i'm lactose intolerant, but it's usually ok if i just drink a glass and be careful about what i eat the rest of the day. being the dumb fuck that i am and not connecting all of these things, i lost track of all time and things and before i knew it i had downed 10 of those fuckers and my full glass of milk. ain't no thang, right? wrong. by 10 pm the gurgles started. i just thought nothing of it and continued working. then the farts came like the fucking valkyrie. at first it was just one whisper-thin fart every 15 minutes or so. soon, it escalated to some sort of anal rapture. my asshole was playing the 1812 overture in f minor. i swear to god i think i ripped my sphincter. i went to bed around 5am and actually managed to fall asleep. at roughly 6 am i was jostled awake by a fierce noise that i couldn't pinpoint the origin of. then it happened. the farts had gotten worse and now sounded like chewbacca deepthroating a burrito. it was terrible. my entire abdomen was cramping. then the smell. it crawled through the air, something like a unique septic odor, like shit mixed with dead and decaying animals. this lasted for a few more hours. every two minutes i'd cramp up, then release the tension in the form of severe anal rot. 10:30 comes around and around that time i was going to take another rip when i realized there was something sinister behind it. i am not athletic, but i may as well been bred with kenyans because i fucking usain bolted it to the toilet. taking my place, the next thing i heard was a slight noise piercing the air, somewhat of a high pitched squeak, then immediately followed by the most low and rumbling thunderous sound. then the shit of a lifetime. the kind of shit that makes people stop believing in god. it was like i gave birth via my rectum. so now it's almost noon and i'm sitting on the toilet typing this on my phone between anal hiccups from hell, since between that first gastric giant breaking the seal and now, it's been like my asshole is just puking water. i'm hunched over from the pressure of gas on my insides. it feels like that thing from alien is trying to claw its way out of my stomach and its screams are escaping by means of fart. i am a dumb bitch. edit: [/u/shadekitty](http://www.reddit.com/user/shadekitty) decided to [narrate](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/the-poop-delusion) my shitty situation. hilarious. edit 2: thank you, random user, for the reddit gold. it does my heart good to know you were so amused by the blunderings surrounding my anal apocalypse. my next shit storm will be in your honor. edit 3: the next day... omfg i am in so much pain. it's like all my insides are in a vice. i feel like i'm trying to pass a fucking monolith.

if i die tonight there's an 80% chance it's due to something shit related.

being a dumb shit and overloading on poop facilitators

teacher took my phone then proceeded to read from it in front of the class. the post was racist jokes and now the students think i'm a douche. life is great curriculum...

reading r/imgoingtohellforthis in the middle of class.

im in high school and im a stupid fucking teenager. my friend gave me a 70mg vyvance and told me to take it if i ever needed to cram for a test. so naturally i take it at around 6 pm the night before the sat's. if you have ever take vyvance or adderal or any drug like that you know my folly. i cannot sleep, i have been tossing and turning in bed since 10:30 pm. it is currently 4:11 am and i haven't slept a wink. i can only hope to god that it doesn't wear off during the exam. update: i got ready in the morning and avoided orange juice for breakfast, had a bagel and eggs. got 3 chocolate bars at cvs, then i blasted killing in the name of be rage against the machine all the way to school. i didn't crash during the test, which was super loose butt hole but i feel confident, and i rode the sugar high the entire time.

taking a vyvance

throwaway because this is disgusting and i'm still a little scarred. today i was in the [public] bathroom and was changing lady products like normal. then somehow i managed to not only drop the used tampon i was holding, but *fling* it on the floor where it rolled into the adjacent stall (that someone was using) before i could pick it up. at that point i was terrified that i'd be identified so i finished up and ran out of the bathroom faster than a hungry cat who had just heard a can open.

dropping a tampon

i had cause to use the restroom at work today. i did my business, wiped, then turned to flush, and as i'm sure most people do, looked in the bowl. no toilet paper. wtf? where is it? under the seat? no. in the trashcan? no. in my pantleg? nope. i never did find it. i hope none of my coworkers do.

losing the tp

about a year ago i was a part of the stage construction/ stage crew for my schools fall play. during the play the people in stage crew could stay there or go home. i was gonna go home, but then the director said i would need to fill in for some missing actors. right here is where it fucks up. i have a female friend i have always kinda had a crush on, well i was sitting against a wall talking to some of the other guys in stage crew. well she comes over and lays her head on my thigh, which i kinda got aroused from her doing that, and then her cue came up for her to get on stage. so she left, she came back about 5 minutes later and laid her head on my thigh again. she unzipped her sweatshirt a little bit and i could see her cleavage slightly, which got me even more aroused. she left again and came back, and did the same thing. this time she was fixing her hair and she set her hair tie on my leg, when she needed her hair tie again she started feeling around for it, her hand went up, and up, and up, then she touched my dick. and i came. as soon as she touched it. she knew she touched my dick, but i don't think she knew i got off from it. i left as soon as i could after that.

i had a crush on a girl, she touched my dick through my jeans on accident and i ejaculated.

going to play practice

ok, this just happened. today is the first day i've had my new apartment all to myself, away from all my other flatmates. so like any rational person, i've been doing everything in the nude all day. i then proceeded to do what most lonely guy's do when they're by themselves... but i had forgotten that i put the kettle on to boil. when i hear the kettle whistling right in the middle of me taking care of business, i immediately jump up to go take it off. now, i'm not exactly sure how my junk go that close to the stove, but the next thing i hear is a nice sizzling sound. at this point i start to yell, even before the pain. so now, here i am; with a bag of ice in hopes that it will numb the pain. so far, its not working too well.

cooking my hotdog.