Datasets:

reddit_tifu

like 5

so, i was playing halo 4 at my friends house. we played like 5 matches, and i had been doing horribly. we start up a game of free for all and we get at it. intense game. last 20 seconds and im tied with my friend who is sitting there split screening with me. i win by a kill. herrs where i fuck up. i get so excited and all of us are cheering that i kick the xbox over. it makes a weird humming noise and we wait like 10 seconds before unplugging it. he pops out the disc, and shit, its scratched. its now unreadable. i had to give him my copy. fuck.

im a loser at halo, win once, freak out, kick xbox, scratch disc, have to give him mine.

overreacting to winning.

ok, sigh. this happened last night. my friend, brother and i went to go watch a movie at a local theatre. im getting over a stomach flu so ive been passing gas lately, sorry for the tmi. so we find a parking spot and i thought it would be funny to rip a huge one before we leave to see if the smell would still stay in the truck until after the movie, i really didnt need to so i tried to force one out! and boom... a big ass shart!!! i had the most embarrassing face on, my friend and brother asked me what was wrong and i told them what happened, and they were literally rofl. we were late for the movie because i had to take a pitstop at starbucks bathroom. i took me a good 25 minutes to wipe up, throw away my boxers, and do anything else to clean myself up. i couldnt do anything about the smell tho. and when i was done, i opened the door and there was a line of people waiting for the bathroom. :/ fml

i forced a shart, cleaned up and stunk up a starbucks bathroom, and watched a movie commando.

forcing a shart.

so about half an hour ago or so i ran up to walgreen's to pick up some raisins and balloons to make a batch of mead. after wandering around for a bit i found they didn't have balloons, but i figured i'd go ahead and get the raisins so it would be one less stop another time. now, let me just say that i am a creature of habit. i go to this walgreen's almost everyday to pick up smokes and park in almost the exact same spot every time. so after i purchased my raisins and smokes i was a bit surprised to see i'd parked so close to the door. i climbed into my super sexy dodge caravan, grabbed a cigarette from the pack in the seat, and noticed a pillow on the passenger seat i hadn't noticed before. since i'm not the only person who drives it, nor am i the most observant person on the planet, i figured i just over looked it. i put the key in the ignition and went to start it, but when i kicked the air on, i noticed a strange smell. it wasn't the normal smell of my van. it was also much darker than it should have been for the time of day. i was so confused and disoriented. the seat didn't feel right. the wheel didn't have the familiar hand groves worn into the faux leather cover. it just felt wrong. i almost cried because i honestly thought i was having a stroke or something. but i knew i had to get home as i had the car, so no one could come to my rescue. i looked down as i began to buckle my seatbelt (safety first, after all) and noticed a purse in the center console. i don't carry a purse like that (it was more if a clutch, really), nor do any of the other drivers. that's the moment i realized i wasn't in my van.

almost stealing someone else's van

as many of you guys pointed out, your humble moderators fell behind quite a bit when it came to updating the fuck up of the week. on behalf of the moderators i would like to apologize to the community of tifu, but more importantly to the poor souls who missed their fuck up opportunity due to the mods being busy (or in my case, kinda lazy). we will do our best to stay on top of one of the key components of our community. it has been almost a year since i created this community, and i would like to thank you all for the laughs and cringes that have made /r/tifu such a wonderful place. thank you all for subscribing and helping us reach almost 75,000 readers in just 11 months. also if you would be kind enough to give this an up vote so it can be seen by other readers, i would appreciate it (self-post, no karma). so with that all being said, congratulations and condolences to our newest fuck up, [disgruntled_fridge](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18kpii/tifu_by_peeing_in_my_girlfriends_mouth/)

not updating the fuotw in over a month (mod post)

i tried contacting gmail and yahoo about retrieving the email. that fail. i'm so lost right now. freaking out that this person has all my bank info, tax info,. i fuck up big time. please help.

so i emailed my taxes info to a stranger. reddit what should i do?

because my nails are super thick and i have scissors instead of clippers, i tend to forget clipping them every now and then, causing them to get super long and, and some cases, super fragile. while i was pacing around, killing time by listening to music, i stumbled down the mini-steps into the hallway, sending my right big toe smashing into the back of my left foot. sure, it hurt like a bitch for a second, but i'd done it before and didn't think it was that serious. until i got into my room and saw the blood on my foot. turns out my nail was so long, the leverage from the impact cracked it in half horizontally, and sent the sharp interior edge down into the nail bed, causing insane amounts of bleeding. have i mentioned yet that i'm hemophobic? probably should've mentioned that. now, because i also fucked up by not getting new sneakers recently and my only pair squeezes the hell out of my toes, i'm going to have to wear flip flops. in fourty degree weather.

suffered the agony of the feet, nearly passed out at the sight of my fuckup.

not clipping my toenails

it's the start of a glorious weekend. getting home from a long day, hanging out with close friends, getting the occasional call or text message to jump from one activity to the next. early evening i receive a text from what i believed, at the time, was a beautiful, yet intelligent woman i had been texting earlier that day. she's flirting with me, i'm flirting back and all is going smoothly. this sort of stuff carries on for the next few hours, until she she says she has to walk home from a local fast food restaurant. i ask her which establishment that she had dined (*actually wouldn't call this dining, but rather eating out*) that particular evening. she says that it was one that was particularly close by. i begin to ask whether she had moved from one home to another one close by, she says no. at the time, this didn't raise a red flag. next day, we text back and forth. the usual winky face and the cliche flirtatious remark is made towards one another and i'm thinking to myself " wow, could this be going any better?" but then, reality struck. i received a call from the attractive woman that i had been texting the previous day and i looked at the number thinking "oh god, what have i done?!" soon, i scrolled through my text messages realizing that i was texting an obese, not so attractive male associate of mine. in shock, i instantly told the attractive female what the situation was, she laughed, of course, at what had happened. i still have yet to reply to the male associate of mine in fear of the awkwardness that has ensued.

make sure you know who you are testing, or else you may find things out about your associates that you wouldn't want to know.

not having proper names for the numbers in my phone

childhood hero might be a huge overstatement, but man do i feel rotten. i'd been talking to merle allin for the past 3 months (the late gg allin's brother / guitarist for the murder junkies) and i completely offended him with a lame joke about him looking like dale gribble when he was younger. we were going to hang out in may because he's staying in my hometown at a house blocks away from me. i am wearing a gg allin t-shirt as this is happening. **update** the weirdo added me and immediately this conversation happened: http://i.imgur.com/sez6cio.png

pissing off my childhood hero!

so today started like any other saturday. i picked up my buddy from his house and came back to mine to play some gamecube games. we got a bit hungry around 1-ish today and decided to get something we haven't eaten in a while. i offered my dad to buy him lunch and he said taco bell. i was hesitant because i never really eat there (i'm not big on taco bell, sue me). my dad reassured me that the loaded grillers they now serve we're great so i took is word, got my friend, my dad and myself a bunch of shit and had a nice lunch. the spicy chicken grillers are actually great and i had 3. any way lets fast forward to about 7 o'clock. i have my girlfriend, my buddy and 2 other friends with us. we're all starving so my girlfriend suggests arby's. i say why the fuck not cuz it's been a while as well and i get a chicken, bacon and swiss sandwich and a chocolate shake. fucking delicious by the way. so we get back to my house and all is well. my girlfriend and i both smoke so throughout the day and night we are smoking as well. now fast forward again to about 11, i start getting cramps in my lower abdomen, like knife stabbing. i manage to ignore it, but around 11:40 rolled around and my one buddy and i are left at the house. i'm doing everything i can to hold it in. i bro-hug my buddy goodbye quick and i **sprint** to the bathroom whilst grabbing my laptop, charger, phone and smokes. which brings us to here. i'm past the hour mark and still going. i'm typing this as i take a sir harrington (look it up). also, no tp so i'm using paper towels. sorry for the wall of text.

i ate taco bell and arby's in the same day and i haven't left my toilet for a fucking hour with no tp! pretty sure my anus is bleeding**

mixing taco bell and arby's in one day

so i've been dating a girl for about 6 months. i'm bi, and she doesn't know that. i'm more sexually attracted to men, but i have more of an emotional attraction to her. anyway, today, we were sitting around bullshitting like we usually do. i decided i want to show her a new song that i found that i figure she would like. on iphone, if you double tab the home button, the multitask pane pops up. usually, when i double tap it, it goes to the music player. it didn't this time. not paying attention, i pressed where the play button usually is. instead of hitting play, i bring up my tumblr (where i have my porn). suddenly, my screen is filled with bear (big hairy men, not the animal) cock. i panicked and closed the app and tried explaining that my friend was messing with me sending various pictures. she played it off, but i'm not sure she bought it.

showed my girlfriend my gay porn collection, played it off as a prank.

showing my girlfriend my gay porn.

so there's this girl who works at a burrito place i like. cool chick, we're friends, have been for a while. so i'm thinking i'll go here for lunch. she's working, and i starting talking to her, hitting on her, cuz she's hot and i'm a guy so fuck it, why not. turns out, when i dated her friend a while back, and dumped her after a week (bitches be cray), she didn't like it. also turns out, we aren't friends. and she hates me. so she takes my burrito and throws it (sour cream, guac and all) at me from over the counter. best part: she's manager, so she doesnt get in trouble.

i hit on a lez, and had to settle for measly taco bell.

hitting on my burrito girl

so some fucker is dancing between a two lane road whenever a lane gets fucking clogged (and by clogged i mean he can't fucking brake and wait like a normal person), thinking he'll get to his destination 4 minutes quicker. my previous two attempts to block him from getting to my lane and stop pulling that fuckery failed, so i got a bit ballsier when he was in front of me. i decide to go into a little side lane (where cars load and unload) and decide to pass the fucker that's currently in front of me with that space. fortunately i pass him, but unfortunately i knock a fucking mirror off the other car he was tailgating. fml. my car got a nasty scratch and the fucker that cut me off and pissed me off got off scot free. **fuck i wish i could have hit that motherfucker if i was going to hit someone.** fortunately, the guy driving it was cool and only wanted $50 for the broken mirror on his car. people say that you should call insurance and police in accidents, but this wasn't a huge one, so i just paid the guy. might not be a smart idea on my part since he could claim damages that weren't present during the accident or other fuckery, but he didn't seem like a dick (and also might not be a resident/citizen; he wasn't a high roller from the looks of his car and clothes). i got his information and got him to sign a non-formal contract saying that i paid for the mirror. anyways, if you're reading this juan, thanks a lot. and to the fucker in la that pulled that shit, fuck you and your whole fucking family that raised you. i honestly wish you continue to drive like a fucking retard, so that you'll fucking die in an accident. you fucking piece of shit.

had a bad day turn worse due to fucking trolling ass driver or crap. good guy juan understands and we're done with it.

getting in a car accident.

i used to go to the gym lots in high school. i was on the football team, and it was a basic requirement. fast forward five years, and while i'm not fat, i'm definitely not in shape. so, i found a gym by my house, got a three month pass and went for my first workout today. i figured i'd warm up on the treadmill for about ten minutes, so i jump on and boost the speed up to 5.0, my usual speed in high school. it's a little difficult to keep up, but i manage and hop off. then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. i feel like i'm gliding through the gym as i make my way to the water fountain. i can't control it; i throw up in the water fountain with three people behind me in the lineup. all i can hear is people shouting profanities and gagging. i finished hurling, grabbed my bag and walked for the door. i threw up again in the doorway. at this point people are just silent, watching me with the fire of a thousand suns. i think i have to find a new gym. update: i thank all of you for your comments. i've decided to give it another shot on monday, as many of you are advising me to man the fuck up.

going to the gym

catastophic mechanical hardrive failure out of fucking no where. just using my laptop, laptop freezes. no choice but to force restart. oh great, no hard disk detected. what i lost 3 physics programs i had designed to create gifs for my physics professor to use in his physics 101 class. promised him they would be done by the 19th, i literally just finished testing and optimizing all of them. why were these not backed up? fucking why?!?! because i'd rather spend my money on weed than on an external storage device, and because i was too lazy to upload 3000+ lines of code per program stored in dozens of files to my google documents account. " i'll do it tomorrow.. don't want to save it now and then change it!" my complete personal finance spreadsheet. why was this not backed up? because i'm a fucking idiot who insists upon learning things the hard way. my debit card purchases are still logged on my online banking, but all my hours from my personal tutoring job and my public tutoring jobs are gone. resume files? fucking goodbye. why the fuck was this not backed up?? whyyyyy?? 1000+ backpacking photos. i still have the originals, but i just finished editing, rotating, labeling, organizing, fixing the exposure, and fixing the color on every backpacking photo i have ever taken. everything.. gone.. i have no motivation to rebuild anything. i'm sitting at my laptop with a new harddrive and i don't even have the motivation to change my wall papers.. back up your motherfucking data. i learned the hard way so you don't have to

not backing up my data

i work as sales in a manufacturing/distributing company that sells paper and plastic products. long story short, a distributor contacts me and is interested in spoons, requests prices, i give, and then orders. he gives me a card over email, which i should've suspected, but i didn't since it was a large amount of $$ and i'm based on commission. i try the card, and it works! we do two other transactions throughout the month, each card is under a different name and address... it all clears. another stupid move on my part. today i am told the company that i've been working with is a fraud company, all the credit cards i've been using were stolen, and all the products are gone. thankfully the last shipment we sent out was a local storage warehouse and we claimed about 8k back.. but still. pretty shitty. atleast now i know i probably won't lose my job.

accidently charged stolen credit cards up to $28k and shipped out products that are now gone.

losing the company i work for $28k usd..

nothing too exciting with this tifu. i already submitted my university applications earlier and theres pressure on my parents to attend university because it's more prestigious and the odds of me getting a career post grad is higher than college, i also think it's part of their own benefit. but i wanted to apply to both because theres a prestigious animation program at a college 1 city away from here where many of pixar, disney and other industry giants employees are recruited from. it's a dream of mine to be an animator and definitely a pixar animator, but i knew my drawing skills were not up to par, but i thought it would be worth the application anyways. the only thing holding me back was the 95$ fee to apply. i tried to pay for it myself because i knew i'd have no support from my parents - but my card was declined each time i tried and my mom said i should "think about it more before i apply" all while speaking in a saddened/angered tone. i hadn't even asked my dad because i knew what his reaction would be. this was yesterday, lone behold today i log in to the college site and one of my program choices is gone, animation, the application queue for the program is full and they're not accepting anymore. should have just manned up and stood up for myself. instead now i have to wait another year to apply - while i'm a freshman in uni.

i delayed applying to college because i knew i'd have no parental support and i couldn't apply because my card kept being bounced back and declined. now the application deadline has passed.

not submitting my college application sooner.

i've recently been fighting a case of the flu, but have luckily started to feel better over the past few days. seeing that i've been eating some pretty mild food, i had a hankering for something spicy. indian it was. i ordered it all: some biriani, tikka, garlic naan, lentils; the works. i even washed it down with a king fischer. upon my walk home, i felt what ordinarily would have been a fart building up. nope. i had to walk 3 blocks home with boxer briefs full of masala shit. i don't know why i even took a chance, should've known better. never gamble on a fart; i've lost that bet too many times.

getting over the flu? indian food isn't the best idea.

pretty self-explanatory, and no, it wasn't intentional. drank quite a bit last night. when i got home i vaguely remember swallowing two little blue pills that were on my bedside table next to a bottle of water. i've took them twice over the past week for some obvious bowel problems, and i have no idea what possessed me to take them while drunk. needless to say, they started working around the time i was to board my flight... *sigh*

taking laxatives while drunk, before a cross-country flight.

this bar i have been going to has my little sisters friends sister bar tending there and this past sunday i said one the dumbest things. i had asked if her sister was single and whatnot, i pretty much just asked that in general because i thought my sister and hers where not friends anymore, i tried to say my bad and apologize but it was busy. though as i left she said in a joking way from what i could tell that she was going to tell her. i know it's not that bad sounding to most but i don't let stupid thoughts like that get out, i normally dismiss them and now i feel like the creepy guy.

asked about younger sisters friend to her older sister out of stupidity and i now feel like the creepy guy even though i believe she was giving me grief about telling her after i apologized.

i feel like the creepy guy. just found this subreddit and figured it's the right place.

this is all 100% my responsibility. i had multiple chances to avoid it, and by multiple, i mean absolutely unlimited. but i didn't. i was lazy, irresponsible, and loose with my money. i let my bills pile up, forgetting to pay them until they got too big to pay off on my own. i started getting phone calls from collectors saying i needed to pay them now, which i just ignored and let go to my answering machine. i started receiving letters which i just tossed aside, thinking "if i ignore it, it will just go away". today, i finally broke down and looked to see how much i owed, and it's out of my current realm of possibility. i checked to see if i could get a loan to pay my bills off, just to get started, just to breathe, but each place i went to told me "your credit is shit, come back when you fix it". and i can't fix it without a loan. it's a great vicious circle that i was afraid of slipping into, yet i went ahead and did it. my parents received calls today about their credit going to shit now as well. my vehicle is co-signed by them, therefore they are on the line for everything as well. i fucked over my own family, which is beyond unacceptable to me. there was no reason for them to get dragged down with me into this hell, considering they are already facing their own financial troubles. they don't need my financial burden on them as well. "i have to be an adult. i have to be responsible". i tell myself this everyday, thinking "if i keep on repeating it, it will become true". it hasn't yet, and it took this wake up call to make me realize i have things i have to take care of. the world will always refuse to coddle me, as it should. everyone has to do these things, and i am of no exception to this rule. i need to find a way to get out of this situation. i need to be an adult. i need to be responsible... i'm sorry, mother & father.

nearly putting myself and my parents into bankruptcy

update: after about 2 hours of awkward silence he started making fun of me then bought me a sandwich. then we both chuckled over lunch at how dumb i am. i live to see another day! turns out the truck is ok, had to drain the gas tank and change all the gas filters. it ended up costing $350 that's a lot less then a completely blown engine that i was expecting. edit: it was a banks turbo diesel my dad uses to tow his construction equipment. edit: i've filled this truck up properly with diesel fuel countless times in my years working for my dad. i feel like a lot of you are assuming i am child which would definitely make my mistake not as bad. i am 22 years of age! even more embarrassing. i just got side tracked in between eating my just heated cup of noodle and cleaning a pretzel spill out of the center console.

dad let me drive his diesel and i filled up the tank with normal gas and fried his engine. he's giving me the silent treatment.

[very disappointed.](http://i.imgur.com/mqtqhg0.jpg)

at shaving pussy.

this actually happened yesterday. i have a tendency to get really, really bored at work - because we have long periods of downtime. to keep myself awake i try to make myself physically uncomfortable. on my way in yesterday morning, i knew i had to drop a deuce, so i figured i'd hold it til after work to get me through the day. it didn't help. about 10am, i'm staring at the clock waiting for my next task to be ready. a minute later my boss nudges my arm and tells me to go home and get some sleep - i had fallen asleep watching the clock. so on the drive home, i'm annoyed at myself. i decide to stop by my parents house to pick up some cat6 i had left over there. as i pull off the highway i start coughing. the cough takes me hard (i'm recovering from a chest cold still) and i feel my asshole pinch for a minute, and an uncomfortable lump under me...i had coughed loose a small bit of dookie. get to my parents and immediately bolt to the washroom. sure enough, little globules of crap clung to my underwear. so reddit, yesterday i fucked up.

yesterday, i held in my crap to stay awake, it didn't work, and after getting sent home from work i crapped myself in the car.

falling asleep at work and shitting myself

first all, for those of you that don't know what headsooth is, it is a chapstick like device which you apply to your forehead when you have a headache, it gives a deep cold/burning sensation which isn't pleasant and the best of times. so there we were, pre-drinking before a night out, having a right old laugh ect. when my mate pipes up to my other mate "hey man, i dare you to put headsooth on your dick" which he understandably refused. then an intoxicated me chirps in, "i'll do it if you do". the alcohol takes over and he agrees, putting the headsooth down his jeans. he then throws it to me, and as not one to back down from an agreement, i lathered that shit on. really pasted it. i finish and give it to the original 'darer', who is curious and gives it a go. next thing i know, the first guy screams 'fuck that' and runs upstairs.. no longer than 20 seconds later the slight tingling in my balls turned to a furious burning sensation, to which i ran upstairs in agony. i run to the nearest sink and pull out my manhood, and what do i see? my balls, shining like a beacon, red as a london bus. i hear a scream from downstairs, and the last guy runs upstairs screaming. so there we are, three guys, luckily with three sinks in separate rooms, washing our balls. the pain was unbearable, i thought i was going to pass out. it was a hybrid of burning/aching/stinging in the most sensitive of areas. i felt like i needed to piss, shit and just die all at once. so i walk out into the hall, the water on my balls doing nothing, and keel over half screaming and half laughing at the other two's screams. they're vigorously washing their balls and having as much luck as i am. next thing i know my girlfriend and another mate come up stairs, he briskly takes a snapshot of my firey balls and decides to send them via whatsapp to everyone we know. i couldn't close my legs for a good hour after that. edit: here's my balls http://i.imgur.com/isvybcm. nsfw, obviously. it's my fucking balls.

put headsooth on balls, searing pain followed

putting 'headsooth' on my balls

granted, this f-up is not too bad compared to many of the others here, but it is bad in my life. it actually occurred last thursday. my first class had been canceled, and i was running late for my other class. we were having a test in that class, so i wanted to get there on time. best way? to drive fast. keep in mind, i drive a 97 ford with a little 4 cylinder engine. pos, alright. i manage to get that thing to almost 50 mph in about a block and a half. didn't see the cop just off the road. then, to top it off, i didn't have current insurance cards. did i mention that it was a 25 mph zone? good news is, only got 195 for 20 over. took my word on the insurance problem.. also, don't hate too hard, first post on reddit...

my car accelerated the best it ever has, next to a cop, while late...

learning that my local police force do indeed do their jobs.

a friend asked to see the girl was i was talking to. i copied the link to a bikini pic and sent it.... to her. i said it was "weird" and "i could probably explain it if i looked at the code" which is an awful cover but i'm a cs major and she's technologically challenged so she usually just trusts me on tech-related stuff. in hindsight, it's fucking hilarious, but still rather embarrassing.

sending a girl her own bikini pic

it's been a couple weeks since i'd been to the gym. i got sick, i started a new job, life was generally being shitty and in the way. after some gentle encouragement from my girlfriend, i agreed that i really did need to get back on it and go back to working out. cue yesterday, first day back to the gym. i had lost my old lock but i had the one from my locker at my last job so i just brought that with me. i show up, get changed, and work out. when i get done with my workout, i go back in the locker room, grab my soap, a towel, and underwear, lock my locker and go shower. i finished my shower, walked out and up to my locker, and my heart sank. you can probably imagine why. my old lock was a combination lock. the one from my locker at work was a key lock. my keys were inside my locker. there i stood, wet, cold, and in my boxers, staring at my locker and the empty locker room and contemplating my next move. after a few minutes alone in the locker room, i realized nobody else was going to be able to help me (because nobody else was in there), so i braved the journey from the locker room to the front desk. here's where it gets worse -- the entire gym is one big room, with mirrors around the perimeter. if you're in the gym, people can see you. it was late, but not late enough that the gym was empty. as an added bonus, the men's locker room is the room second furthest away from the front desk. oh, and i should also mention that i am quite an, **ahem** *portly*, individual. so i walked up to the front desk, damp and in my underwear, and faced the (unfortunately) female front desk attendant. as if my luck wasn't bad enough, now somebody from the other gender was the one i had to ask for help, in front of god and everybody, in my underwear. much to my relief, the gym has a set of bolt cutters which she lent to me so i could go get my locker open. i trekked across the gym, now looking more ridiculous than before, in my underwear, holding a bolt cutter. i made it back to my locker, cut the lock, got dressed and walked back up. i returned the bolt cutter and made it a priority to get the fuck outta there as fast as i could. hopefully nobody that's in there tonight was there last night, but chances are i won't get so lucky.

**i locked my keys in my locker, including the key for my lock. i then had to walk my fat ass up to the front desk, in my underwear, and ask the female front desk attendant for the bolt cutters so i could get my clothes, keys and everything else out.**

using a lock on my locker at the gym.

so there was this exam but i'm out of money but my buddies pay my beer. after i drink the umpteenth glass i am out of my wits and my buddies advise i should really *go home*. now i could have walked but walking makes me dizzy so i trod to bus stop, take the next bus to the train station, take the next train. vomit. change trains. vomit. change trains. vomit. fall asleep. i'm thrown from the train because it isn't going anywhere anymore. twaddle out right into a random pond. it's cold, but soon i somehow manage to swim and walk. i suddenly, somehow, am at home. my **home** is where my parents live. roughly 500 miles from campus. the next lecture starts in 4 hours

the drunk decision to go home

yesterday i was chatting on google hangout with my long distance boyfriend and a mutual friend. we were just chatting when the friend had to go run an errand. while he was gone i took the opportunity to show my boyfriend a really cute dress i bought recently, i changed into it and showed him, then when i was done i started to change. i heard the little ding that it gives that tells you someone's joining the chat again. i didn't know he didn't need another invite to get back in, but i jumped out of the way just in time. i felt so clever to have avoided that. so i started searching for something else to put on, and started to shuffle through my closet in just my bra and leggings. i heard my boyfriend's voice say "uh... mrsbbk?" and i turned to look at the screen. they were both sitting there and in the window of my own webcam i could see that i was fully visible. i swore and dived out of view, and carefully, carefully finished dressing, since i was now sufficiently mortified. in chat i apologized to the friend, saying that was awkward. he just said "no problem" and i thanked my lucky stars i was at least wearing leggings. :/

not knowing the parameters of my webcam

i did some nude photography/modeling a few years back, and while i love the pieces i did and do not regret them in the slightest, i don't particularly want seeing my friends, especially male friends, seeing me nude, mostly because i have *body issues* like every other woman it seems. i was browsing reddit, and noticed a familiar photo. it was an old photo of me that someone had posted to gonewildplus, with another photo in the comments. i was surprised to see it and was having some feels about it. i was in chat with several people at once, bouncing between several different conversations, one of them being a good friend who i sent the link to the guys profile (but not the post itself), because she had something similar happen to her. however, when i was sending the link, i popped not into her box, but a box right next to her. a box with my male friend. i immediately noticed my mistake, and though it wasn't a link to the direct post, i know that photo was only one click away, and it was the newest post. i profusely apologized and told him to please not open it. he conceded, and told me he even cleared the chat log so he wouldn't be tempted to open it. he also told me to thank my lucky stars that i must be special because he wouldn't ordinarily do that. and before you naysayers come in and say he did look at him, trust me, if he had he would have made some sort of "nice tits" joke.

almost sent a link containing a link of old nude photos to my friend, but he was a good buddy and didn't look.

accidentally sending a link of nude photos to a friend

http://i.imgur.com/kqslddv.gif

sent this link to someone in a courtship and marriage class...

tifu while we were discussing totalitarian regimes and the documents that make up their dogmas. we were discussing communism at the moment and the teacher was just talking about the many casualties through the years that have been directly attributable to ideological differences. i, on the other hand, was fixing my fantasy football line up. my league has a longstanding tradition of poking fun at each other in some seriously vulgar ways and as i was checking the scoreboard i noticed the team avatar of my friend was a picture of his opponent (another close mutual friend) making out with the largest ham planet i have ever seen. his team was also renamed: captain ahab and the whalers. i absolutely lost it. snort a loud laugh and grin in an otherwise silent classroom. "you there." (prof. still hasn't bothered to learn our names, seventh week of classes. he's an asshat who literally just likes to lecture and to him every minuscule detail is something of the "utmost importance". i tune out a lot and still do pretty well.) "what are you doing?" me: "sorry sir, just got a funny text from my friend." him: "get the f*** out of my class. no more laptops for you, you take all notes by hand. also, no talking unless i actually call on you. don't come back until next class." (we meet monday/wednesday.) as i'm leaving he also has the audacity to yell at the class as i'm leaving "let him be an example." how someone like this rises to teach a required class that everyone knows is useless at a fairly prestigious private university is beyond me. at least i won my fantasy game.

laughing in class

so i intend to study a masters degree this year for which i need to get a bank loan to fund it. i applied for the loan which is specifically designed for those wishing to study a masters. i have now been told i was rejected from getting the loan because my credit rating is too low. i then was told that my credit rating is so low because i have not been in any debt in order to boost my credit rating. i have student finance and as well as monthly bills but as these payments go through my student account, they do not affect my credit rating because, apparently, student finance and student accounts have no affect on your credit rating. neither positive or negative. edit: i now realise this is more of a rant than a tifu. sorry about that. edit ii: the reason this is a major fuckup in my life is that this means i cannot fund, and therefore cannot study, the masters which starts this week. this loan was also supposed to pay for my rent and bills which i am behind on.

not being in debt.

throwaway for obvious reasons, but i thought you guys might find more humor in what happened to me than i do. today i've been feeling particularly horny. i think it's a combination of pms (which makes me want to have a dick inside me in the worst way), and just thinking about the incredible sex i had this past weekend. well, my boss was in a meeting all day today so i let the horny-ness get the best of me. i pulled up pictures of my boyfriend's dong and i knew i just had to slip my pants down to mid-thigh level and get to it. i was really close to coming when i heard someone start walking up the stairs but i figured, fuck it, it *can't* be my boss..he's down in the meeting room all day! it has to be someone else going to their office. at that moment, i heard the door to my office open. fuuuuuck. i quickly pulled my pants up, but he walked around the corner in time to see me doing some buttoning up. having been so close to orgasm, just the seam of the pants touching there made me come. as he's trying to talk to me acting like he didn't know what i had been doing. as i tried my darndest to *not* show any signs of orgasm-occurence, i couldn't help my voice trembling. i could feel the flush color of my cheeks as well. but worst of all, i could see my boss getting a boner. my 68-year old boss turned on by my masturbation/orgasm. he then went into the bathroom for a few minutes, and we haven't exchanged words since the incident. hello monday. this will be an awesomely awkward week at work.

boss walked in, i orgasmed, he got hard. pretty sure he fapped too.

flicking my bean at work.

i was eating dinner, and i suddenly saw a **huge** spider on the wall. i'm not fond of spiders, not in the slightest, and my family immediately cast the responsibility of killing this behemoth to me. so i grab the broom and walk toward it, and my heart is pounding because i'm scared it's going to jump on me and devour my soul and i lift the broom up and, i do not know what made me do this. i put the broomstick up to the wall, start crushing it slowly, and yell "die ni**a" basically as loud as i could. i killed it, and my family were just looking at me like "what. the. fuck.". i just sat down and put my head in my hands. i live in an apartment and am sure as fuck that my neighbors heard me and now think i'm a grand wizard. i've never use the n word a damn day in my life, well until yesterday. i can't tell you what compelled me to yell it, but it was one of those situations where as soon as it comes out of your mouth you want to reach out and stop it. i'm embarrassed and kind of pissed at myself.

loudly yelling a racial epithet while killing a spider.

this guy i used to hook up (i'm a girl), we'll call him t, with a while ago came back in town to visit some mutual friends. i tried to date him towards the end of our thing (~6 mos ago) and he skipped around it a lot, so i dropped him and started sleeping with someone else. right after that happened, he decided he wanted to date me. throughout the whole 4 months i slept with the other guy, t was texting me telling me he missed me and that he wanted to hang out with me and see me when he visited town. he recently just got over texting me... but when he came this weekend, i realized i missed him and wanted to hang out with him a little more. after drinking a lot, i ended up taking him home and we did the deed. probably a bad idea in the long run... seeing as he will probably want to be with me and i don't want anything right now. kind of fucked him over (literally) twice now. i feel like a bitch.

sleeping with an old fling

washing the laundry and discovered a lighter in the bottom of the machine as i was switching the load over. dropped it on top of the dryer, and continued to switch the laundry. as i tried to replace the lint trap i knocked the previously found lighter in the hole and cursed loudly as it dropped to the bottom of the dryer. my poor boyfriend had to pull the dryer out from the wall and take half the thing apart to find the damned thing.

dropping a lighter in the top loaded lint catcher of my dryer.

this will ^hopefully be the most disgusting, embarrassing thing that i will ever post. my mother in-law just got new , expensive chairs before the family visits for the holidays^you ^already ^know ^where ^this ^is ^going so my entire family is sitting around the house, and i am feeling 100% ok. i just put on some new sheer stockings and a long sweater that looks really cute. and i am sitting in one of the new chairs when i feel a little sture of nature encroaching upon my stink wrinkles. i think, "ok cool, done this a million times, just push it up and let it out easy and no harm done" but oh no, **ohhhh no** instead of the dainty lady like poot i was expecting. i got a eruption that came forth from the debts of hell that was released into the world. the entire room fell completely and utterly quite as the loudest noise came from my anus, followed by a river of soupy shit. there was no hiding this . the chair was white. my sweter was white. it was running down to the floor. and the smell could knock out a god damn moose. they all are just looking at me, wide eyed and unmoving. they were like petrified stone . i was in complete shock as i tried to process what just happened. then it happened again. but this time, it came along with vomit. now despite all this, my family are very kind and understanding. my mother in law and my husband ran to me to help me , breaking from their state of horror and the rest of my family kind of left or did something to make it a little less embarrassing , but the damage is done. i am just in my room, in my pajamas, scared to ever fart again... and a 900$ chair is to never be seen again.

a river of the most ~~vial~~ **vile** shit you will ever witness erupted from me in front of my entire family.

trusting a fart.

ok, so it started when my little brother asked me to replace in the batteries in one of his toys that he said wasn't working. so i went over to the fridge (my parents keep batteries in the fridge for some reason, i think they said it makes them last longer) and got 2 of the big d-cell batteries that my brother's toys use. i went over to him, and when i was about the replace the batteries, i saw that the batteries in there were put in wrong, probably from him trying to put them back after they fell out or something. i fixed the batteries already in the fridge, andi went to put the batteries back in the fridge. since i had thrown out the package that they came in when i took them out, i figured i'd just put them back in the fridge. being the dumbass that i am, i decided to wrap them in aluminum foil and put them in the fridge. the smell was the first thing i sensed. it's an odd smell to describe...kind of like burning but more...i don't know...electronic-ish? it's tough to describe. anyways, as it had dawned on me what i had done, i raced into the other room to try to remove it, only to hear it pop as i was nearing the kitchen. now, my mom always gets the lithium batteries. apparently these are supposed to last longer but be more dangerous. the copious amounts of aluminum foil i had put around the battery shorted it out, and it kind of, well, exploded. the fire alarm went off and everything. like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smy2_qno2y0 (skip to 1:55 ish) but on a much smaller scale. 2 bottles on the side shelf that the batteries were on melted, and there was this nasty mix of charred milk and burnt orange juice and melted plastic pooling in that shelf. the shelf was kinda ruined, so i threw that out, but most of the other food in the fridge was ok. thank god i didn't ruin these expensive steaks my dad was gonna grill tonight, or else he would have been super mad. i haven't told my parents yet; hopefully they won't be super mad. update: told my parents, they gave me the "i'm not mad i'm disappointed" ordeal. i'm paying for fixing the small part of it that was pretty broken and there was no further punishment.

wrapping batteries in aluminum foil.

this is going to start like most of these with a "this wasn't today but whatever". just shut up, y'all want to here a good story. so, me and my two best mates are out in zante. first ever lads holiday. if you've seen the inbetweeners film, that was roughly our expectations. and it delivered. so i had never been sick from alcohol until the first night. zante changed that. apologies to megan, our rep, who received the blessing of my first ever tactical chunder. that's what you get when we arrive at 8:00 and we have dropped the bags and in a huge group on the way to the strip at 8:02. so yeah, shit had gone down, one mate nailed the grimmest effort of a girl in our whole resort and we carried on. fast forward to the third night, this is where i really fucked up. we waited fairly late to go out, plenty of predrinks, best digs on and ready for whatever the fuck that night would bring us. so we went slightly mad, laughing gas, headfuckers and erect nipples went down and down for a while. we followed the reps group and ended up in a bar/ club thing. at this point i was on the verge between loving it and cresting the peak. my confidence was huge, my banter and charm (i thought) was top notch and was chatting up some skirt. then my boys came over and told me that they entered my fucked ass in one of the drinking games. and, in case you have never been on this type of holiday before, that's code for torture involving alcohol. so it's me versus this girl, and i'm genuinely struggling to comprehend the instructions from the rep over the huge pa system in the club, but there is a load of drinks on a tray to the side and a barstool in front of me. that's what a state i was already. i knew this was bad. so the idea was (from my memory), shot of vodka 10 spins around the bar stool, 10 push ups, 10 star jumps and there was 4 shots. then the same thing but with a pint (!) of sex on the beach. shit son. did this in a completely retarded fashion, then we had to find 10 members of the opposite sex to kiss and run back. done. some of the girls even volunteered, but most, i sort of just grabbed their face. then another shot of vod and one last excersize round. whoah nelly. as we got to the final big club where a dj was playing, i was totally hating it. felt just awful, could not control myself and i wanted out of this drunken stupor. my buddies paid for me to go to the vip lounge so i could sit down. sat down for maybe one or two minutes. could not handle it. the music, the room spin, jesus this is awful. ran outside. projectile paint job on a car parked outside the club. sat on the curb and vomited some more all over myself and the car. passed out. loads of people tyres to wake me up, apparently. would not move. i went to a place then that i never want to go to again. if i had a gun, i would have shot myself immediately. and i'm very much not suicidal. i wanted out. i wanted to die if it stopped my being this goddamn drunk. wanted to cry. saw an ambulance pulling up. got in. woke up in the middle of the night on a drip, doctors and nurses standing around me. was on a drip. went back to sleep just to get out of this nightmare. i could not face reality. woke up the next morning, no headache and far more sober, still with the drip attached. found my way to the hospital toilet, trailing the drip behind. found something else down there too (reset the counter everyone). yup. had done that overnight at some point. at this point i was just greatfull to be alive and not drunk. to shorten this part up, i chatted to the nurses and they basically said i owed about €500. as luck would have it i paid for travel insurance and the nurses said that we would agree to say i just had a stomach bug from the water, otherwise if there is alcohol involved they won't pay. this ended with me banging on the door of my bros hotel room. tears of joy in their eyes, all i could say was, "i need travel insurance, hotel documents and out flight ticket home". those words are now legend amongst us. that's my tale. sorry if i wrote it like shit of if it was boring. it was one of the worst moments of my life, no actually the worst (i have had a lucky life so far in terms of relatives passing etc). and if someone can get a laugh out of it and/or learn from it, then it wasn't such a waste of time.

i don't blame you, that was one hell of a wall of text. got so fucked up on first ever lads holiday, ended up in the hospital on a drip. and in zante, there's not nhs like here in blighty. £££

seriously over-did it in zante.

so today i had two exam finals and, i believed, a paper final due tomorrow. then i would be done or, so i thought. i had recently passed a macroeconomics course i had failed the last semester so i thought everything was golden. today i drag myself out of bed after studying all night for my 7:30am final, go home, study some more for my 1:30pm final and head off to class. i get to my 1:30pm final and begin talking to the guy who sits next to me...who just happens to be in my class with the paper final i thought was due tomorrow. some friends of mine come in and as we're talking i let it slip i have a paper i need to write for tomorrow. the guy i was talking to before interjects and with a look of pity informs me that our paper final was due today. i immidately panic and type out an email to my professor in hopes he takes pity on me. th problem is, i've had him for two other classes and the one time he will not take a late paper is the final exam. so, i effectively have failed a class with my favorite professor. also, i am part of a new sorority forming on campus but my gpa for the semester has to be over a 2.0. edit: i also almost got hit by a car twice today. update: my professor answered the very apologetic email with a "these things happen. have a good break!" which pretty much means that i'm in trouble with my grade now. i have got all my other class grades reported except him. i'm just waiting for the damage but i've already accepted the worst.

i passed a course i failed last semester, thought i was going to do well for the rest of finals. i missed the deadline for a final paper. now i'm going to fail this class and not get initiated into the first year of sisters for a new sorority on campus.

believing my last final paper was due tomorrow.

ok story time. the fuckup happens today(monday) but the setup starts on sunday. i woke up around noon on sunday and my sister was in the bathroom. when she is in the bathroom it can be upwards of 2 hours before she is finished and i really needed to piss. i had bought and finished a bottle of grapefruit juice and decided to use the bottle and toss it in the trash later. i did my business and set the bottle near my chair so i wouldn't forget.(mistake) i keep all the drinks i buy near my chair for easy access when im gaming or using my pc. so i forgot to throw it out and it sat there near my water bottle and my actual half full grapefruit juice i had. so comes monday, its 6 am and im in near pitch black darkness, i lazily roll over to reach for the juice because i'm thirsty and take a swig. **that taste** ill never forget that taste, warm,bland...plain nasty with a hint of sweetness. my eyes opened wide and i spit it back into the bottle, grabbing the real bottle of juice and chugging it down. i felt nauseous the rest of today.

drinking my piss

so i'm a sophomore in high school, i had a friend over this weekend. and we saw some wine. now keep in mind, i'm 16. fml. it only gets worse. we decided to start taking shots of scotch after drinking like 5 glasses of wine each. i came to school today hungover as fuck. fml.

getting drunk

had myself a nice 16 oz. bottle of starbucks iced coffee to wash down a bland dining hall breakfast. enjoyed it to the last drop. the problem is that i'm not a coffee drinker. finished a three-hour final in 50 minutes. send toilet paper and pepto bismol.

drinking coffee

so, this little incident happened just this morning. it's the most dreaded time of year for students everywhere; finals week. i've been studying my butt off for the last week, as has everyone else on campus. i've been freaking the whole time, as i'm not the greatest with tests. back-to-back all nighters. study groups. the whole deal. as this week has loomed closer, my anxiety has reached new heights. last night, i finally turned in at 1:30, as i was crashing and not being productive. set the alarm for 7, fade to black. this morning, i woke up disoriented at 8:20, obviously having missed my alarm. my exam starts at 8:30. i bolt out of bed in a split second, screw the coat and hat, gotta get my ass to class. never have i moved my carcass faster. mind you, it's 20 degrees and snowing, and i'm in sweats and a t-shirt with dinosaur slippers. the lecture hall is also on the far side of campus. i slip and slide all the way there, bruising half my body on the ice and freezing my face off in the process. i scurry into class only a minute late. victory! i felt like i had just won the olympics and the boston marathon at once, total cloud-9. felt goooood man. looking around the room, however, i realized something was off. it took a second or two to sink in. there was no one in the damn room. my test is scheduled for tomorrow, and i somehow managed to mix up my schedule in my head, which caused me to go full retard this morning. i'm going back to bed, screw finals.

finals freshman style

it was a small receipt but damn, it contained my tuition fee which my parents could only rely on. and now my parents cannot pay my tuition fee, i also cannot have the exam tomorrow. hell maybe i could not even graduate from this shitty high school. long story short, one small fuck-up can change your whole life. edit: our school add more fees without you knowing about it. thanks for the support!

losing that small piece of paper

this actually happened a while ago, but so did everything else on this sub. this fuck up happened whilst i was still in highschool. i lived very far away from my highschool, so during my senior year i lived with my grandmother to save money on petrol. as you can imagine, my grandmother is not an avid user of the internet, but i am. i implored her to change to a shaped plan. a shaped plan is where instead of charging you extra when you go over your data allowance, they slow your throughput with no further charges. she refused, because technology is scary. if she had just taken my advice, i wouldn't be writing this post. highschool was a very frustrating time for me; i grew hair where there was no hair before, and i felt the urges that all teenage boys feel. my room had a computer in it, and i consistently went over our data allowance with pornography every single month that i lived with my grandmother. since the allowance was so restrictive, i chose to download and store all of the porn videos locally for later use, in a single folder called something along the lines of "biology homework," because teenagers like to think that they're clever when they're really not. i even cleared the browser history, because obviously i did. frustrated, (but in a different, angrier way) my grandmother called her isp to dispute a huge bill that my penis had accrued (*.. ladies*). the isp emailed her my download history, which included a lot of visits to various tube-porn sites. my grandmother, not fully understanding that her 'download limit' encompasses page views as well as downloaded files, decided to search through all of my folders, and yes, she found lots and lots of my dirty, **dirty** porn. now, my grandmother isn't stupid. obviously a teenage boy is going to look at internet porn. she opened one of the aforementioned locally stored videos. she was not prepared for what she saw. my grandmother was married at 19, so she hasn't exactly been around the block. what she saw was in an entirely different suburb. when i got home from school she confronted me. i owned up to everything, because i didn't think that it was that big of a deal, but i moved back home anyway because my grandmother couldn't deal with the monetary cost of my habits.

i watched so much porn whilst living with my grandmother that she kicked me out. also she found my porn-stash and was disgusted.**

watching porn at my grandmother's house

this didn't happen today, but i need to tell the world. here's the backstory: a little while back, i was having a conversation with a friend of mine about what would be the worst thing to get beaten up with. we quickly settled on a dildo. just imagine getting into a fight and, instead of a knife, the guy pulls an enormous dildo and beats the ever loving piss out of you with it. emasculating and painful. so needless to say, i quickly went off to romantic depot with a few friends to purchase a dildo so i could then go around getting into drunken fights all night. i was able to procure a quite wonderful 16 inch black double ended dildo. it was perfect: fit nicely in the hand, heavy enough to leave a welt, and just wiggly enough to provide a good smacking. we went and got drunk and immediately started wandering around my college campus antagonizing everyone we could find at which point i would pull the dildo out from my inside jacket pocket and start whacking people with it. pretty much everyone found it hilarious and a few people posed for pictures. as time went on, i began to use the dildo less and less and eventually threw it into the trunk of my car where i would bring it out only on special occasions. a special occasion being, let's say, sitting awkwardly next to someone at a red light in the middle of the night and needing a prop to play with until they look over and i can make horrible eye contact with them (quick aside: i drive a hatchback, so the dildo could be accessed quickly by a passenger when the moment called for said dildo). eventually, the dildo fell out of use and i became accustomed to the sound of it rolling around in the trunk. every time i accelerated i could hear it roll to the back and thud against the door, every time i braked i could hear it roll forward and thud against the seats. people would ask,"what's that sound?" to which i would reply, "oh, that's just my dildo." eventually, i got tired of explaining the story of the dildo to people and threw it in a messenger bag that remained in my trunk. some time passes i woke up one morning and as i was eating breakfast, my dad came into the kitchen and told me he had taken my car to the car wash. he had wanted them to vacuum inside so he cleaned everything out. all of the things that had been in my car were on the side of the garage. i went out to the garage and found all of the crap that had piled up in the car stacked neatly against the wall. i started loading everything back in the car when i remembered the dildo in the messenger bag. i opened the bag. there was no dildo. i searched and searched and could not find the dildo. there can only be one explanation. and my dad hasn't said anything. and it's been a little while now and he still hasn't brought it up. and i'll never say anything either. but until the day he dies, my father will know that his son, at one point in time, owned a sixteen inch double ended floppy black dildo. and he will never know why.

i bought a dildo and my dad found it and we aren't talking about it

purchasing a large, double ended, black dildo

its finals time here and i get to kick them off by taking my computer science final at 7:30 in the morning on a saturday. before leaving home i brew some tea, stick it in my thermos, and out the door i go. the test was in a lecture hall with chairs that have a little desk which swings up so i just leave my thermos on the floor to keep it out of the way. well when i finish the test i put the paper on the floor so i can swing the desk down, put my jacket on, and grab my bag before i turn in the test. i put it on the floor next to my thermos. my thermos still mostly full of tea. being the clutz i am i knock over my thermos and tea begins to pour all over my test, but luckily i reacted quickly. to save my test from further damage i kicked away the thermos in a panic. it wasn't a little kick though, nope i punted that motherfucker away from my test and onto some poor girl's lap, soaking her test in the process. can you picture it? the silence of the hall punctuated by a flying thermos, a high pitched shriek, and a bumbling idiot apologizing and asking for his thermos back. after retrieving my damn cup i turned my test into the tas who thought the situation was absolutely hilarious, and walked out head hung in shame. whoops

spilling tea all over my final exam.

i took a girl i was dating to a party my coworker's boyfriend was throwing. we started drinking, everyone was having fun. it was 1am and we were all sitting around. my coworker (we'll call her j, her boyfriend was the one throwing the party for her.) her and i are good friends, she was sitting on my lap and complained about how sore she was. for some reason, i don't know why, but i kissed her on the mouth. like a small peck, i meant it friendly. all of a sudden, shit spirals. my girl was pissed and couldn't speak to me. boyfriend's brother was pissed. the only one cool about it was j's boyfriend (who i'm really cool with), he helped me, got me and my girl a cab. the next morning, girl wanted nothing to do with me, ended it right there. already spread around work. i find out that my girl was talking to the other guys "i don't know why i'm here" "don't know why i'm dating him" "i can get 21 year olds" (she's younger than me, i'm the youngest guy she's gone out with) kind of glad things ended with her.

kissing my coworker

so this isn't a 1 day fuck up but instead several weeks worth. i am going to be brief with certain events here because i made a promise to z not to tell anyone what happened and as you will soon understand, it is safer if it just stays hidden. for the same reasons, i have used a thowaway. a few weeks ago i got a call from a particularly drunken and high z who wanted to do themselves in so i spent that night making sure they were okay. despite some very weird goings on where they were angrily responding to comments that no one had said. due to their unhealthy state. after that night, everything was perfectly fine until 3 weeks later when this sentence was said "i will always appreciate you. you are one of the best people i know... i fucking hate you! you are a prick. i hope you die!" and they ran off. now nothing happened between the two things and i hadn't even had a chance to respond to the first comment. over the next few days people started learning why she suddenly hated me. when i eventually found out what the story is, i can assure you that it is a very alternative take on what i did that evening. but it does tie in with the "weird goings on" i mentioned. now because of the way they have been acting it would appear that they believe this completely so i just tried to ignore everything as much as possible and leave it alone. but after a few too many comments, i said "i am not going to go into what happened but you can guarantee it didn't happen that way. i don't know why they are saying it, maybe it is because of the alcohol." i decided not go into the details because i know that that would be better for z. and i am beginning to realise that i can handle this better than they would. well this got back to z didn't it. now z, along with family and friends is wanting to finish me off for chatting shit.

so from what i can understand, if people chat shit about me, i have to pretend it is fact because any form of defending myself just results in death threats.

trying to defend myself.

luckily the owner of the other dog was a chill dude. but i will most likely see him again because we live in the same apartment complex. i am so embarrassed. prior to the deed, she was frollicking around with the other dog like a normal, happy puppy. then, right before everyone's eyes, she swiftly lifted her leg and pissed on the dog's nose. perfect fucking aim. she was a pound dog and spends most of the day in our apartment, so i can understand why she is antisocial (towards dogs). never thought she would take it this far though. tifu.

letting my dog pee on another dog's face.

the nofap community recommended i post this to r/tifu ###how r/nofap ruined my only chance at a potential relationship a couple months ago, i went on a 2nd date with a girl from okcupid. originally we planned to go snowtubing but the snow had melt. instead she invites me over for dinner. i get there, it's just us and it’s going really good. but then, her roommate and his mom shows up. we all hang out and play board games. now her roommate’s mom is really hot, (and since i was 21 days nofap) i decide to playfully flirt with the mom. the mom is totally into it. it gets late though, and she eventually leaves. it's only me, my date and her roommate left. i suppose her roommate didn't enjoyed me flirting with his mom because i was cock-blocked the rest of the night. at about 12:30am, we're all very tired and the roommate asks if i'm going to spend the night, (*awkward*). so, they set me up in the "guest loft" which is an alcove/cubby about 6 feet off the ground right next to this girls room. i'm so exhausted that i just crash instead of waiting up for her to finish brushing her teeth (i should have waited). i’m asleep in this guest loft, right next to this girl's room and i start having crazy sexual dreams. one of the dreams is so intensely sexual that i wake up right away realizing something bad. i look down and see that i justed blasted about 21 days worth of jizz into my underwear (wet dream). i think “holy fuck this is bad - you can't get invited to a girls house and then jizz all over her guest room bed.” i'm freaking out, perhaps i should just run out to my car, leave and never return. i don't know what else to do. so i decide that is my plan. it’s really cold outside and i remember that my sweatshirt is on the floor next to the bed. so i lean over the bed head-first to grab my sweatshirt... except, i totally forgot that i’m in a loft. i end up diving head first down a 6 foot drop. at the last moment, i catch myself on a panel of wood and cabinet. unfortunately i break both of them, cracking the wall and causing a giant banging sound. now i'm fucked, i just jizzed all over the place broke her cabinet and the wall, everyone must have heard it! so i run to the bathroom in my sticky underwear while carrying my jeans. finally some good luck. it’s looks as if all the jizz stayed in my underwear. but now i have to figure out what to do with a destroyed pair of underwear. do i try to hide it somewhere? where? they must have heard the crash. they are probably right outside looking to see what happened. i quickly ball up the underwear and shove it down my pants. i go back to the bed and no one is there?!. i look around for jizz evidence. i can't find any, but its dark (i'm like 90% sure that it all stayed in my underwear!) now my only concern is the smell. i mean, c'mon it's 21 days’ worth of cum. and, she's sleeping, at most, 15 ft away in her room. anyways, i start to get tired, think *screw it* (she lived 45 min away, it's not like it was a coworker and i would be permanent known as the creep who masturbates all over your guest room while you sleep). so i laydown and fall back asleep. i wake up to sounds of the girl moving around the house. she goes downstairs, so i have quickly make the bed while looking for any cum stains (i didn't see any!). i put all my clothes on while she comes back up the stairs. she jokes about how i'm trying to break her house into pieces. all of a sudden, in slowmotion, i see her nostrils flair. she is starting to smell the jizz! i quickly make some excuse about having to grab some mouthwash from my car. i run out to the and secretly pull the underwear out of my pants and stash it. now, i made it thus far. i decide to push my luck, i come back into the house and we hang out for like 2 hours, nothing awkward at all. i spent all the next day waiting for a text message: "did you cum all over the guest loft?"

21 days nofap, i go on my first date in over a year. i spend the night and paint the guest room.

nofap (not masturbating) before going on a date.

well, it's more of a 6 month slow-mo fuck up. the girl i love & who loved me was in the midst of the toughest 2 years anyone has gone through. i got so scared of my own shadow, constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing that might add more stress to her life, that i barely said anything. that didn't help at all. so despite doing everything i could think of to keep our relationship strong, she lost many of those feelings for me. she needed to rip off some band aids to take back control of her own life, and i was one of those band aids. think it's painful when you rip off a band aid? well, imagine what it feels like to be the band aid.

wasn't honest with my gf and she dumped me.

keeping my stupid mouth shut

this isn't actually all that exciting but since it was my first accident and i was hoping to have a relaxing and fun week in a city where i am not from, it's gotten me quite upset. i was parked at a spot on the side of the road. the road has two lanes in each direction. as i signaled and went forward maybe about 2 or 3 feet (i did not steer out of my lane because i could go straight forward), i noticed a bus come up on my left getting really close so i immediately stopped. however, the bus kept getting closer and closer and i soon realized it was trying to turn right into the intersection in front of me. to my horror, it just kept going and crushed the left front side of my car plus tore off my mirror completely. i didn't even have time to honk. very stressed now that i am out of town and i was planning to head back home in like 10 days. now i'm not sure if that's possible, messes up all of my plans. on top of that, i don't know how out of province insurance is supposed to work.

getting hit by a bus

she was pretty drunk and at our party. didn't realize who she was at first since it was dark, but hooked up with her in the laundry room. my mate is a really good friend of mine. accidentally got her pregnant as well. don't have the guts to tell my mate.

hooking up with my mate's girlfriend.

http://i.imgur.com/vaxu3un.jpg ....wellp.....

drunkenly threatening my ex...........

he ran up to me and said, "hi my name is dave wig... wigg.. wuh wuh uh wuh... wiggers!" i laughed for about 5 minutes and then said, "no, seriously... what's your name?" he then began crying. *names changed because reddit.

a new hire started in my department.

i recently had to cut back on how much i was feeding my dog because he had put on a lot of weight over the winter. in the spring and summer he usually spends a great deal of time running in the yard and playing frisbee so it's not a big deal. but, in my neck of the woods the weather has been awful and we haven't been able to play outside since november. today i ordered a 15 inch pizza from dominos with philly steak and tomatoes. after grabbing the pizza, i left the box on my kitchen counter while i went to pee. i returned less than 90 seconds later. the box was still on the counter, with the lid propped slightly up. it was completely empty. at first i was confused, thinking that i had somehow misplaced my pizza, but then i noticed a swipe of tomato sauce and philly steak on the floor. i ran out to my living room where my dog was sitting with one slice of pizza left overturned in front of him. i was shocked, and angry that my dog had manage to eat my lunch, dinner, and breakfast/fifteen dollars worth of pizza in less than three minutes. he's never done anything like this. now not only am i hungry, i have to clean my deck off in the freezing cold because my dog squirted diarrhea all over it because he couldn't make it to the backyard in time.

leaving an entire 15 inch pizza on my kitchen counter three days after putting my dog on a diet.

i woke up this morning, somewhat hungover after a(nother) night of heavy drinking. it was about 1pm and time for lunch, so i went to the kitchen. i live at home and my stepmom was making lunch. she said "spillomanen, if i make us some wraps, then you make us something to drink" and who could possibly say no to such an offer? i grab a water bottle for our sodastream machine, and poured the elderflower and apple syrup into the water, no biggie. i attached the water bottle (with syrup in it) to the sodastream, and pushed to button to fill it with carbon dioxide. and then it all went to hell. the pressure in the water bottle became way too high in a matter of seconds. gas and soda was being forced out of the sodastream, spraying everything in a radius of 40cm. a mix of being kind of stunned by this unforseen event and my brain still not working properly , i thought "i gotta release the bottle from the machine, that will end it all!" as that seemed like the only reasonable thing to do. i grabbed the bottle and loosened it from the sodastream. an explosion of elderflower soda sprayed everything in an even greater radius than before, and then everything became quiet. i stood still for a couple of seconds, trying to come to terms with what the hell just happend. and i realized i reversed the process of making this damn soda. carbon dioxide, then syrup. i spend the next 15 minutes wiping down the kitchen, while my stepmom was laughing at me.

making soda is hard with a hangover

making soda

happened a few quarters ago, sorry i only discovered this place recently. i was in a helping relationship psychology class where we were given a task to practice one on one relationships with people who had small and manageable problems. we were assigned to record our sessions so our professor could check on our responses and tell us how to better work on our methods. the file was a little large so i put the recording on a usb stick i got freshman year. i wiped it clear on my pc and checked to make sure that nothing was on it. i turned it in and thought little of it. i got called into her office the next week. i walked in pretty casually awaiting my feedback. she tells me to take a seat and goes: "well, first of all, your file didn't work (she tried to open it with itunes i think and the audio file wasn't compatible), but more importantly, i have to ask you something. were you aware that your usb is named 'horse porn'? i'm not sure i want to open that file anyways, care to explain yourself?" **shit** flashback to freshman year. i used the same usb stick to pass music and shows between my roommate and i. as it turns out, he changed the name of my usb stick on his mac, which for whatever reason wasn't visible on pc. although i took all the files off, the name remained until my professor stumble upon it expecting my assignment. anyways i had the opportunity of explaining this to my professor as she laughed her ass of at how flustered i was and how many times i apologized. she also made me tell the story the next class, and that's what i am currently known for within my major as far as i know.

forgot to wipe usb stick name, handed my prof. what she thought was my horse porn collection

giving my professor a usb drive containing 'horse porn'

the sad part is i was not part of the group doing it. well i was, they are my friends from school, but i did not do any of the graffiti. i sat there and watched. i picked up a can to look at it at one point, so even if i try to fight it i will just get the prints on the cans thrown at me. it was stupid of me for sitting there and watching and talking, but now since i am freshly 18 it will be on my record for ever and i will most likely lose jobs because i technically have a record. i just feel like i threw away a chunk of my future because i watched some people tag up walls. happy birthday to me! 18 for a month and i have a record. :( fuck. edit to clarify: idk if it was better or worse in the end, but i would never stand fucking with private propriety that someone worked hard for. it was a skate park with tons of graffiti already there.

getting arrested for graffiti

just what i said. yesterday, i was totally late to the bus stop (by totally i actually mean 2 minutes, but the bus was 8 minutes earlier than usual. so 10. 10 minutes). the driver's are not allowed to let the children get off the bus unless their parent is there. i wasn't. however, the driver confused another mom for me & left my 5 year old with a total stranger (who thankfully "turned him into the office"). if he had realized i wasn't there they would have taken him to the bus barn (at that point he would have been on a hot bus for over 2 hrs) & guess what?! i don't have a car! so, cried like a baby all yesterday afternoon (you know, for being a shitty parent & not meeting the bus & narrowly avoiding a disaster) & debated whether or not to report the driver (kiddo could easily have been hurt-lots of traffic & homeless meth heads everywhere, however i understand how it happened & he was just fine). so today i'm there 30 minutes before the bus is expected & the rest of the parents start showing up. i was bus-shamed. somehow, all of these people i have never met & certainly never spoken to, are talking about yesterday. to my face. they all know that i am the mother who wasn't there. bus stop shamed. now we have to move (being dramatic). but yeah, i am so upset with myself over this.

i missed my kid's bus drop off after school

i go to piss, leave the bathroom door open. now we have this outdoor cat named yo-yo that we sometimes let in. yo-yo is super friendly, affectionate, not all that bright. i mean, the type of cat that exposes it belly to a possum thinking it's a friend. obviously this cat doesn't have very great survival instincts. anyways, back to the story. there i am pissing with the door open and yo-yo gets curious. i see him approaching out the corner of my eye and it quickly aproaches my leg. then the unthinkable happens this cat jumps into the stream of my own piss. realizing the full level of its own stupidity, the cat freaks the fuck out and spasm causing it to fall in to the toilet with the toilet seat down. the damn cat is so fucking stupid it is now stuck inside the toilet, thrashing around. piss infused toilet water is going everywhere. i'm at half full in my piss tank, and my options are to either to piss on this poor,stupid cat, or divert course. so i start pissing in the tub, because i'm not an asshole. i finish up, and this dumb fucking cat is still stuck in the toilet. now realize, this cat has been in there for a solid 18 seconds at this point. i lift the lid, grab this soaked cat and just launch it out of the bathroom. it does two laps around the house, before finally running out the front door. now i have to clean up a soaked bathroom before the rest of the family gets home.

leaving my bathroom door open while a cat was inside, ended up pissing all over a cat. bathroom is a mess.

a few months ago i was at my girlfriends house and we went into the garage to get something to drink while we watched netflix. well while we were in there she was being frisky then started giving me a blowjob when we heard her mom out in the kitchen. we quickly grabbed some sodas and walked out. i still had my boner so i stayed a bit behind to adjust it and make it less noticeable. i was in the hallway looking at a mirror and flipped it up in my shorts and unbeknownst to me, her mom was in the part of the kitchen next to her and could see me. apparently she saw my penis and muttered, "oh my.." and kinda walked away into her room without saying anything else. i didn't know anything until my girlfriend told me after that her mom saw half of my penis.

got a boner and tried to hide it when we heard her mom, her mom ended up seeing it and just walked into her room.

flipping my boner up in my shorts at my girlfriends.

i wanted to wake up early today. i have to be at work at 4pm, and since the weather is finally starting to get nice up here, i wanted to get out of bed before noon so i could enjoy the day. i woke up when my man left the bed, still didn't get out. i woke up when the alarm went off at 9. then the 30 minute timer after that, the 15 minute timer, 5 minute timer, and eventually just said "fuck it, i'll get out of bed at noon". unfortunately, my body didn't see it that way. at about 11:40, i got roused out of half sleep by something. i could feel it. it was coming. immediately, i bolted upright in bed, frantically checking the sheets. nothing was there. then i checked myself. i was clear. as i swung one of my legs over the edge of the bed, i felt what i had been searching for. on my leg. a big bloody period glob had escaped my nightly protection and landed on my fucking leg. as i stumbled to free myself from the bed in panic, i managed to smear it into the sheets. a large red print in the new sheets. on the new king sized bed. and somehow on my other leg now, too. and the fucking blood mess decided to seep into the mattress cover (thank god not onto the bed itself!). to make matters worse, i normally wear softcup to bed to prevent this csi murder scene shit (i even posted previously about it before), but my period was being weird so i didn't think it necessary to waste one of them and had worn a pad instead. big fucking mistake. i should have woken up earlier. this never would have happened. at least nothing is stained as i spent all morning frantically cleaning everything. tl; dr tifu by being a bloody mess. edit: update! had to leave work one hour early because my period decided to make an appearance all over my clothes. i had been changing my tampon once every 2-3 hours (just in case it decided to be heavy), and i felt it when it exploded in my pants. i cried out of embarrassment, was allowed to leave early (despite there being just one other in the office), and immediately went home (another 45 minutes including walking through heavily trafficked areas) to wash my clothes. to make matters worse, apparently i woke up my beau when i got home and he thought i was a robber (i work grave shift). i was in the basement, half naked with pre-wash soaked clothes on top of the washing machine when he came thundering downstairs to the kitchen. at least he didn't see me at my worse. didn't go to sleep until after laundry was done and the stains came out. don't think i can face work tonight . . .

sleeping in

god i love the south, kinda. **part one: fu prologue** so here's what happened. i was at a week long conference in birmingham, al beginning last saturday. everything actually started then. i suppose i forgot to send myself a notification from the airline website or something when booking my ticket, because i never confirmed it, i just showed up to the airport on the day of my flight. i knew something was wrong when they gave me a security voucher instead of an actual boarding pass, but i proceeded through security to my gate. when it arrived, it turned out the non-stop flight was oversold by one seat. it happened to be mine. i was then put on a connecting flight on another airline through tampa, fl before getting into birmingham, 5 hours late. luckily, however, i booked my ticket one day in advance in anticipation of travel problems. **part two** so fast forward to yesterday, packing and getting ready to leave for home. i was on a shuttle for the airport when i realized i misplaced my passport card (which frees travel restrictions between the u.s. canada, and mexico and serves as identification for airport security and is not the booklet that gets stamped) - realizing this, i returned to the hotel as fast as i could, in a taxi #1. once there, it took them a while to even process my lost item, let alone do anything to find it. the hotel is connected to a convention center and it takes i remembered specifically where i left it, on the table so other than housekeeping discarding it or stealing it, the hotel had coherent explanation. the major problem was that people also kept looking for the passport booklet instead of the card, which was in a little paper sleeve similar to the ones hotel room keys come in. after attempting to explain what was misplaced, the cab took me back to the airport. while waiting in the lobby, the meter ran and it ended up costing me about $50, so i was pissed. when i got to the airport i just wanted my bags. i handed the driver my credit card and he proceeded to make the transaction while popping the trunk. as i pulled up to the check in counter, the attendant explained to me that i would not make the flight without a form of identification. with my university id or any other photo identification, i'd have to go through the alternative screening process bound to take longer. i asked for a travel voucher and went back down to arrivals to get a taxi back to the hotel. reaching for my phone i noticed it was missing. i checked all my pockets and thought about this subreddit. at the birmingham airport, there is this attendant that regulates the flow of taxi traffic into the arrivals hall. there currently are 2 baggage claims, and when a plane unloads the place really fills up. pushing my way past people i found him. the guy, i forget his name, was incredibly helpful. he helped track down the cab driver, who was clear across the other side of town and had to double back to the airport. in the end, i got my phone back and was able to call my parents and arrange bus transportation back home. there was one open seat on this charter that i was able to take. now, you might ask yourself why did i chose to use this weird passport photo thing instead of a drivers licence which i also own? because i also fu by misplacing that the night before my flight to birmingham. on monday, i am going to go to the passport office or whichever department is in charge and notify them. and that reddit, is the story of how ifu. also, happy summer solstice

losing my passport, missing my flight, then leaving my iphone in a taxi in birmingham.

i'm a children's librarian in a small town where everyone seems to know each other. part of my job is working with our volunteers. a very nice girl (about 14) started volunteering a couple of weeks ago. one of my co-workers knows her family and we were talking about her before her shift one day. turns out this girl is from a wealthy family, is extremely popular, all the normal things that makes me regress into my old angsty "i hate pretty girls" mentality. this girl is actually really nice and very interested in library work so i put away my stupid baggage and continue to be encouraging to her. one day during a lull we start talking about our families (just basic 'do you have any brothers or sisters?' kind of stuff) she starts talking about her brothers and how they don't get along. i share my experience with my family and tell her 'you know, things may seem bad now but when you get older and move out of your parents house you're going to miss your brothers and parents. all of the little fights you have turn into funny stories. so just try to enjoy the time you get to spend under the same roof with your brothers." and then i say "as long as nothing really bad happens to you or your family i'm sure you'll look back favorably on your time together." she responds with "3 years ago my dad gave up on life." edited for spelling

i relied on small town gossip for news and made a young girl tell me about her dad's suicide

trying to be encouraging to a teenage girl

more of a [yesterday i fucked up], but this is more fun. so i work for a really big company. i spend a lot of my day on one conference call or another. this one was with four or five people from another division of our company, who wanted to ask us questions about a piece of software we have deployed, how we use it, how we like it, etc. now, we have this one project manager who is... a loose cannon. he tries really hard to be personable but it always blows up in his face. i'm pretty sure he's got aspbergers or some similar disorder, and gets frustrated with his level of expression and what comes out. i digress. we're joining the call bridge, like ya do, a few running late. the pm from the other business team jumps on, and the bridge introduces him. our project manager quips up and says "that's quite the last name you've got. is that swiss?" the fellow replies, "nope, it's french." we start the call, and maybe 90 seconds later, the bridge reports that mr. frenchlastname has left the call (his phone disconnected). completely without thinking, i mutter 'eh, he must've surrendered.' half the bridge laughed. one dude laughed uncomfortably. the rest i assume were moritified (silent) or not paying attention (also silent). our pm about lost his shit, but didn't know it was me who said it.

speaking without thinking

thanks guys where going out now and i have learned from my mistakes :).

continuation of falling asleep on girls shoulder and drooling

story time, here is a situation that applies to anyone in the military where i fucked up. on saturday i had a few friends over some drinking and cards against humanity. naturally i got a bit drunk i'm not going to lie, i got a more than just a bit. anyways when the night came to an end i was too drunk to stop someone else from driving home drunk. i told them to stay not to leave, everything short of assault. on their way home, luckily security forces stopped them from getting too far before they quite possibly could have caused an accident killing someone else or their family. they get a dui and i get in trouble simply because it was my house they were at. in my drunken wisdom i didn't have the thought to call the police as soon as they left like i should have. and the responsibility comes down to me. sure, i could have made some nonsense up to save my own butt. but i was honest, like i always am. i'm not saying that i can not tell a lie, but when its something important i can not help but tell the truth. so for anyone who is in the military, if someone leaves your house drunk and drives it will be your ass. the only course of action that can save you from getting lit up is calling the police if you absolutely can not get them to wait for another ride or a cab. if you are not in the military you probably would not get in trouble but i imagine someone could quite possibly sue you if there was a terrible accident resulting from that drunk driving. hopefully this story will cause someone to rethink their future actions and save themselves a headache, and more importantly lives.

letting someone drink and drive

my friends and i were in a car at a local park tonight. suddenly, 7 cars sped out of the parking lot in formation. my friend got instantly excited and followed. we thought we were going to see some fucked up shit. the anticipation was unreal. we even followed them into the next town. they eventually parked in a sketchy area. when we parked, we saw them all get out and they were only a large latino family. biggest disappointment ever.

followed a convoy thinking we were bad ass only to realize it was just a large latino family

being a part of a convoy

i shall paint you a picture. it's hot, mid afternoon, and less then the contents of a can of rootbeer in my stomach, so i am stressed. i was delivering a pc to be setup at a local office, it was a rush job as the order only came through the company yesterday and had to be there today. so i am speeding along, trying to make good time and get this all set away so i can finish up for the weekend. get to the office, start parking the delivery van, trying to line up with the vans beside me... crunch! "oh fuck me..." pull up a little bit, get out check the damage sigh and radio the dispatch that i had had an accident. okay i have a delivery to complete! i get to the office, 30mins later i find out the customer can't take the computer today, and had no idea that i would be showing up. i felt like dante from clerks "i wasn't supposed to be here today..." /sigh

parking the work van.

last night i was in a park with my girlfriend. we made out and talked for about two hours, then we had to get up to catch our train. as soon as i stood up, both my balls began to hurt rather badly. i didn't tell her because we haven't been together for long and it would have been awkward, so i just pretended nothing was wrong and we went to the train station. the pain only got worse and started to panick a bit, fearing i might have [testicular torsion] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/testicular_torsion). she got off eventually at her station and i went on, sitting there in horror at the thought of my manhood slowly dieing. when i got home, the pain still hadn't gotten any better and it was too bad to just go to sleep. i read up on testicular torsion and decided i had to go to the hospital. as i sat in my car, contemplating this ridiculous situation, the pain got better and better and when i got to the hospital, it was almost gone and i felt like a fucking fool. i went in anyway and explained my problem to the attending doctor. i left out the making out with my girlfriend part because i didn't deem it relevant. he told me they didn't have any urologists there, only a general surgeon that didn't have any idea about testicles, but they'd call her anyway. she came eventually and told me to pull down my pants. i obliged and held my penis up for her to be able to see my balls better. now, this surgeon was a twenty-something semi-attractive woman and i hadn't masturbated in more than a week and so my dick began to grow rapidly in my hand as this stranger was fondling my ballsack. as soon as she was done i got my still growing shaft back in my pants, hoping she hadn't noticed my arousal. i still don't know if she did, but fuck me, was it embarrassing. as expected, she told me she had no idea and i had to drive to the next urological clinic, about half an hour away. since my pain was almost entirely gone now, i called them first to decide if the drive was even necessary. i took about a minute to explain my whole situation to someone who turned out to be a nurse, so i told the whole fucking bullshit story again to the doctor who then told me the pain could have vanished because my nut has been without blood for so long, it's gone numb. fuck. so i got into the car and drove all the fucking way to the next hospital. it was half past three in the morning by now. when i arrived there, it took me literally half a fucking hour to find a doctor who then finally agreed to ultrasound my scotum. to my relief and horror, he said i didn't have testicular torsion but a varicose vein and an inflammation on my left testicle. he told me to get it checked out if it caused problems again and prescribed me voltaren and a mild antibiotic. when i got home from what i now consider the most retarded night of my life, the sun was already rising. now here comes the kicker. when i told this all to my mother (she is a pharmacist and i wanted to know what to ) she told me about "blue balls". i didn't know this was an actual thing before, but thought it to be only and expression for not having had sex in a long time. turns out, it is a [real condition] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/blue_balls) and completely harmless. so, the inflammation diagnosis was most probably bullshit (it was based solely on the fact that there was more blood in my left testicle than my right) and the vericose vein benign and my pain was caused by arousal without ejaculation. the "mild" antibiotic turned out to be one of the strongest ones out there and would have fucked up my intestinal flora rather thoroughly, by the way. so always tell your doctor the whole story, kids.

not telling my doctor the whole story

this happened about 20 minutes ago. i was snapchatting a good friend, who is a female, who was with another female that is a good friend of both of us. they sent a very attractive snapchat of them both, and just recently learning how to screenshot on my s3, i decided to screenshot it. little did i know that it sends a notification when you screenshot it. they then called me and called me out on it. i showed them that i didn't save it (because i kind of felt like a pervert doing it anyway) and they haven't responded back, and i am nervous as fuck. i told them that i just recently learned how to take a screenshot (which is actually true) and that i heard that it sends a notification when you screenshot, and wanted to see if was true. i don't think they believe me though. i also have to be around both of them tomorrow, so that'll be great. i'm just really paranoid.

taking a screenshot of a snapchat

since i was about 10, i've had really bad acne and ultra sensitive skin, but it wasn't until a today (headed into my sophomore year in high school) that my parents decided i should get epiduo prescription medication for my face. i've tried all kinds of medication in the past and they didn't work, but my parents saw a commercial on the tv and got themselves all excited. i went to the dermatologist and she prescribed epiduo, which turns out to be an insanely overpriced version of neutrogena. i left the doctor's and went to walgreen's to get my new fancy $200 goop. i headed home, took a shower, put on the new medication, and headed out to my golf lesson. it's a sunny, hot day, probably around 90, with no real shade because i'm on a golf course. after about 20 minutes of being in the sun, i started to notice my skin feeling a little tight and dry, but i brushed it off because that sometimes happens with new medication. as more time passed, it started to really burn. by the time my lesson was finally over, it felt like satan was taking a shit on my face. i rushed home and stuck my head in the sink, hoping it would quench the fire erupting on my face. boy was i wrong. the water just made it worse, if that was possible. warm water was a little better, but at that time i was just trying to get the rest of the epiduo off, if there was any left. while running warm water over my face, i decided to read the bottle of that evil goop. it says not to mix with other medications, and to be careful of using it while in sunlight. not only was i outside for an hour an a half in blazing sun, i use at least 3 other types of prescription medication. guess my dermatologist just... forgot... to warn me. its been two hours since my golf lesson and my skin is just staring to cool off. i just looked in the mirror and it looks like i've been severely sunburned and my skin is "shedding".i probably wont be using epiduo, or ever going outside again.

used prescription medication and spent two hours in the sun when it directly told me not to.

going outside

bit of back story: my boyfriend, "j", lives in an a one bedroom apartment with a currently unemployed roommate who made a makeshift bedroom where the dining room should be. his roommate,"w", gets money from his parents to pay rent/bills so he hardly ever leaves. important to note: he has a dresser with a huge mirror that is angled to see directly into j' room. well, earlier today, j and i were laying around watching netflix. w tells j that he'll be at his parents for a few hours to hang out and get his rent money. he leaves, so j and i decide "fuck it! we're alone, time for some hot shower sex!". about 15 minutes into our romp, i thought i heard a noise but just figured it was either the upstairs neighbor or someone doing something outside. i forget about it and keep going. j loves to hear me yell "fuck me!". it is his go to to let go and get off. so i enthusiastically shout it a couple of times. i came, he came it was awesome. we get out of the shower and i only had my pants in the bathroom because i got half undressed in his room. so, since we were home alone and all, i just walked out with nothing on on top. while i was in his room looking for my shirt and bra, with the door wide open, j's phone goes off. it's w saying hes got mail on the stove. which i thought was strange since he would've told him before he left. j walks into the room, sees the text and messages him back. that's when we heard w's phone go off. j went to see if w was there or if he had just left his phone behind. turns out he only went over there for maybe 5 minutes before coming back and laying in bed, facing the mirror. he swears up and down he didn't know we were in there and he didn't see/hear anything but he won't look me in the eye. that pretty much confirms to me that hes seen my tits. i do not look forward to the awkwardness between us for the next couple of weeks.

boyfriend and i had sex in shower without realizing roommate came back home. he probably saw my tits in the process.

assuming by boyfriend and i were alone

do you know the feeling of impending doom? the one that pierces the heart of men and soldiers and turns them to boys? do you know - truly - the pressure of the inevitable knowledge you are about to shit yourself in a park? i do. long story short, i had dinner. afterwards i grabbed my trusty water bottle and went to a local park. on the first lap, i heard my stomach grumble and thought nothing of it. halfway through the second however, it started. i couldn't find a toilet in time. it began to push, and i pushed back, but i lost the tug of war. as some dude passed me by, i felt the poop invade my inner thigh. a minute later, it was climbing down to my knee... i managed to find some bushes and disposed of the rest, and dry off what already was there. then i returned home with dry shit on my legs which i could only hope people would mistake for dirt.

shitting myself whilst running

so there is this girl i met at a concert. she was there with her mom, and i ended up talking to them both for most of the show. i could tell she liked me so i got her number. we have been trying to hang out for a month now, but we always have conflicting plans. so last night, i invited her out for drinks and she says she would love to when she gets off work at midnight. so i had a couple drinks with a buddy, he had to work in the morning so he went home. instead of drinking alone, i decided to go back to my apt and eat a snack. so i get home and eat a sandwich, and pass out immediately after. she calls me to go out, but i am asleep. call her up to reschedule, but it turns out she leaves for a 2 week vacation tonight... tifu by sleeping through what should have been a great date with a cutie :(

falling asleep...

so a little background. i work in a manufacturing plant and today my job was to run parts out of our automatic press. well i loaded a coil of stock onto the feeder. first fu: i didn't pay attention to which way the burr was facing on the coil. now this doesn't seem important but when you run it through the straightner it affects the way the stock is flattened. so this is where the second fu comes in. second fu: i only used to banding straps instead of three. well again doesn't seem like much but that third band keeps the material from twisting while coiled up. well as soon as i tried to move it it shifted and turned into [this]( http://i.imgur.com/r1z6ssf.jpg). now i can't just scrap it cause it's a 2000ft coil that costs about $1200. so i have to rewind the coil... by hand. [this]( http://i.imgur.com/ihckmv5.jpg) is the rig i came up with to rewind the coil. after two and half hours http://i.imgur.com/gphlzpv.jpg but there's more http://i.imgur.com/cdauloi.jpg but now my lunch break is over back to work.

strap ons and burrs

not using three bands

sister's going out of town and taking her kids. "hey little brother, do you mind staying at my place a couple days and taking care of the pets?" it's not a problem. the first part of the afternoon yesterday i got bored and rearranged the alphabet letters on her refrigerator into various immature phrases and vulgarities. "love gay anal, suck the quick stick, etc" - but the potential for the perverse is limited with having only a few dozen letters. ah! i'll call the gf over to stay the night. now all this has been ok'd through my sister, who assured me all the beds had clean sheets and we could take our pick where we slept. well, sister has the biggest bed - let's sleep in her room! after a night of passionate nosex, the gf make a joke about the 'bullet' on my sister's dresser. i glance over and sure enough it looks like one of those sex toys. "haha, it does favor that, doesn't it? however, naive and silly gf, that's lipstick. i've deducted that because its sitting right next to the rest of her makeup. here, i'll show you." with that, i reach over and pop the cap of the lipstick container. maybe it wasn't maybelline, because batteries fell out. "oh no... no nono. i made a terrible mistake." *this actually is my sister's pocket rocket.* i yelp, drop it, and jump back. then the heavy realization to make it worse, i have to pick it up and put it back together... lest i look like i tried to use it.

thanks to my quick reasoning and faster reactions, i grabbed my sister's tiny dildo.

house-sitting at my sisters.

so here's my story, happened just 15 minutes ago. i just got back from the gym and had a shower. i decided to snap a pic of myself to send to the gf and also just as a general progress pic. so anyway, here's where the fuck up happens. as i opened the picture, i pressed this one button which i assumed was the "share" button. once clicked, nothing happened. i admit at this point i had no clue what just happened so i shrugged it off. i was able to press the correct button and send it to the gf. however! as i'm getting changed and heading down to grab some food, i start hearing my mum yelling at me very loudly. i have nfi what this could be about, cos she usually nags me like this, but not this loudly. at this point i just want to add that i have traditional indian conservative parents. as i'm walking down, she starts asking me what i was doing in the bathroom, and why there's a naked selfie of me currently on their 48" tv. at this point i start trying to explain (half fucking shocked) that i was trying to take progress pics and it was an accident. eventually after me repeating that same line over and over, she lets it go. she then goes on to tell me how both her and my dad were watching tv when my picture suddenly appeared. i burst into laughter and could not stop laughing as i walked back up the stairs to my room. hopefully everything won't be so awkward, though i'm wishing now that i had one of those neuralizers from men in black to end my humiliation and embarrassment. embarrassing but also pure hilarity.

took a naked selfie for the gf and for "progress pics", end up accidentally sharing it onto the big screen tv downstairs which my parents were viewing. tifu.

trying to send nude pics to the gf

buckle up ladies and gents, this story gets long. pretty sure this makes me a horrible person as i feel terrible now. that could also be from the churning of my stomach. a little background: i'm in school and live with my parents. college is expensive! gotta save money where you can. the last two years have been hellish. there is one main reason for this. i'm dating a man 8 years my senior who doesn't share my faith background (conservative christian). as a result, my parents hate his guts. maybe hate is a strong word... no, not too strong here! they've met with him twice in the almost year and a half we've been together. he isn't allowed to visit me at their place. did i mention they hate him? meanwhile, i'm pretty much one of the most important things in his life. he treats me with love and respect... ever you're right mom and dad, total scumbag. things have been super tough with them because we have constantly fought over y relationship... and the fact that i have sex with him. that's probably their second biggest beef with this arrangement. back to fucking up. he's out of town for business this week and i'm on summer vacation. he tells me i'm free to use his apartment while he's gone. i ask special permission to have a girl-friend over and he says that's fine. yesssss a girl's night! now to convince my parents. oh, did i mention i have a curfew? that's pretty important. see, curfew started when the relationship started. i stayed out too late the first week so curfew was installed to prevent me from sleeping over with him. house rules and all since i'm rent free. i've asked several times for curfew extensions due to a desire to socialize with friends at the bar later than possible with a 1am curfew or wanting a girls night. i've been denied every time because they don't trust that i'm not running to his place for the night. they've decided dating him equals being a liar. so i haven't spent a night away from home since the end of my sophomore year. i calmly go to my parents asking their permission. i tell them the boyfriend is out of town and there are facebook posts to prove it. since he's the reason they don't let me stay out, since he's gone, can i have this one night (i also can't have her come her because she is allergic to our multiple cats). they say they'll consider it. i get excited. a few minutes later they call me into their room where they accuse me of lying because they see no posts. shoot, his privacy settings are blocking them. no matter, i show them on my phone from my account. suddenly, there is an argument because my proof is not sufficient and they wonder why they saw his posts a few months ago and not now. a few months ago, one of the fights with my parents revolved around facebook, so i think he blocked them to prevent further issues. they say he must be hiding something, i defend him. fight increases, yelling commences, an my dad throws down the gauntlet saying the fight has made him decide not to let me have the girls night. we yell a little more. he it's me off by saying its decided and to go to bed. i'm so angry by now after the accusations and such i muttered fuck you under my breath as i turn and leave. he's understandably angry and follows me yelling to repeat what i said. so this time i yelled it at him. mom came storming out calling me a bitch and he told me to consider how much longer he'll let me live here. they fell asleep deliberating whether to kick me out knowing i'd just live with him, the corrupter of the world, or to keep me here so as not to give me what i want. while they don't pay my tuition, my mothers employment perk is significantly reduced tuition for her children. i lose that if i move out, not to mention losing my family, which doesn't seem to want me anyway. so yeah, today i fucked up.

telling my dad "fuck you"

this actually happened last weekend, and i feel that i need to preface that i am a 28 year old female and i have camped many times, but i always make sure to have a potty nearby because my biggest fear is what happened. i live in idaho and it's been 100 degrees every day for like a month and a half. some friends and i decide to go down to the river and hang out, play with the dogs, whatever. before we left i kinda had to poo but i couldn't do it, it was more of a "i'm gonna have to go eventually" kind of thing. so we go to a part of the river that i've never been to, you have to walk some trails to get down there. so we get there and i jump in right away cause i've had to pee forever and it's the river, that's what you do. about 7 minutes after that i realize that i have to go. i think to myself that i can hold it, i just have to get out of the water for a bit. so i go sit down and realize this is not one of those moments, this is a monster that has to get out of me. so i get out of the water and start walking back towards the trails. one of my friends asks where i'm going an i have to go so bad i just say "illberightback!" as fast as possible, cause losing focus on this means i will for sure have feces in my swimsuit. i get back to the main trail and start walking along, trying to find a place where there is a log or something that i can squat over that is also not in the view of people, but it gets so bad that i just said "fuck it" and found the closest log available. i am so lucky that there happens to be a whole dug already, so all i have to do is squat down and sit on the log. this is where the problem occurs. i have a soaking wet swimsuit on, that is a pain in the ass to get off, and when i get down ready to go, i panic. my butt is like "nope nope nope" when it touches the log and i panic. so while my body was ready to free this beast, my brain was like "abort!" so it starts to go and i am stuck in this almost kneeling position on the ground and i don't know what to do cause i can't stop myself from pooping. so i just let it go, and i lost my balance and ended up shatting on my foot. it was warm and as disgusting as you could imagine. i was annoyed and grossed out and panicky at that moment, but nothing prepared me for what came next: i had nothing to wipe with. i look around for leaves or a stick or something, anything to end this, and then i start to think "what if those leaves are poisonous? what if the stick gives me splinters? i don't want splinters in my butthole." luckily i happen to have a shirt on over my swimsuit, so i begrudgingly take it off and wipe myself with it. i then threw it in the whole, and buried the entire remnants of the horrific situation at hand. then i had the matter of getting the poo off me. instead of going back and facing my friends, i walked further down the trail to find a place more secluded than where we were. i hope in the river and start washing myself off as best as i can and i glance up and there is a fly fisherman about 25 feet away from me. i see him and he turns around like "wtf are you doing?" so i nod and proceed to rinse myself off as quickly as possible. i then went back to where my friends were and proceeded to tell them my story. they all laughed and told me i was riding on top of the car on the way back.

i am a grown professional female who doesn't know how to shit in the woods.

pooping in the woods for the first time.

tifu, i got my underage cousin so drunk that he got caught by the cops at the fair and he went to the hospital for alcohol intoxication very severe, now i have to comfront the whole family about the situation, including his angry parents. p.s, it seems i might have to pay his hospital bills and might get a ticket for providing alcohol to a minor.

alcohol intoxication.

15/m. anyway, i'm out with a couple of friends and we go to see pacific rim. after the movie, we head to the yogo place down the block. so we get all our stuff and we sit down. not even 30 seconds after sitting down my phone goes off. now, this is some 2010 (long live) era swift. this coupled with the fact that my phone was on full blast made it really embarrassing. i calmly stared into my female friend's eyes as i pulled my phone out, and answered on speaker (my hands were sticky). it was my mom, calling me to pick up some tampons (why?) while i was out. that got a pretty good laugh out of everyone, and it was probably the most embarrassing time i had with this group, which is pretty amazing considering we've all been friends since 2nd grade. yeah, i gotta change my ringtone soon.

having my ringtone as taylor swift

i was at work, and asked the shift manager to cover my section while i went to the bathroom. so i get to the bathroom, and two of the three stalls are occupied. i go in the unoccupied stall and do my thing. in a nutshell, what happened next is that when i took my tampon out i accidentally dropped in the toilet (relevant). how the hell i managed to do it, i have no idea. ok, no big deal. these are strong toilets meant to withstand repeated flushings. i flushed the toilet and was about to leave the stall when.... the toilet didn't flush everything. i flushed it again, and this time watched it, and in doing so, noticed that that *someone had dropped their sunglasses in the toilet and now it wouldn't flush*. i could see part of the the arm of the sunglasses sticking out of the in the toilet, in the u-bend. i tried flushing it again. and again. the scientist in me is crying over the wasted water. nothing. *are you fucking kidding me.* i wash my hands and mull over what i'm going to say. bright idea pops into my head. i'll pretend i found it that way! i go back in to the store and approach the (male) shift manager. "shift manager, um, i'm not sure how to say this, but um, i found...." "if its about the women's bathroom, i don't want to hear it." "but you need do something about it! i'll go put an out of order sign on it or something, but-" "no." "dude. you need to call a plumber." "i'm going to pretend i didn't hear you say that." "seriously, something needs to be done. it's not super serious, but you can't just leave it." i'm mortified at this point because he's already uncomfortable about it. he goes off to investigate. when he came back, he said, "first off, i hate you," to which i said, "what the fuck? you think *i* did that? i walked in on that and tried flushing it to no avail!" he went in the back to call a plumber. later that even the plumber came, and fixed it. the shift manager got the paperwork and started chuckling. i asked him what was so funny. "there was something else in the toilet." "what do you mean, 'something else?'" "there were also sunglasses in there." "i knew there were sunglasses in there, i tried telling you that to begin with, but you wouldn't let me. what did you think was clogging the toilet.?" "a tampon." "oh, i just thought there was toilet paper in there. how the hell would a tampon clog one of those toilets?" "never a dull day at (insert store name here)." we started laughing. i guess i got away with it. that poor plumber. i'm sorry you had to deal with that. edit: formatting

going to the bathroom

so it started with me going to the bathroom to drop a load. i noticed that the toilet was dirty and i was not going to sit on that. so i took a clorox wipe and wiped it off real good then proceeded with my business. my legs then had clorox stuff on them so i wiped it off with toilet paper. then wiped my butt with that same toilet paper. that's when i fucked up i had clorox in my butt hole and it burned for several hours and caused it swell shut. reddit i fucked up.

clorox in my butthole

i was watching [this music video](http://youtu.be/br_dfmuzx4e?t=2m) with my mother when i shouted "oh it's him!" feeling overwhelmed with joy in my natural ability to recognize celebrities. my mother replied "**oh i know him too!**" nobody speaks, the video plays. "sandwichmixto, what's he from? i've seen him before!" oh god mom please stop. "mom i saw him in one of those parody movies." "no no no, he's from **wrestling** or something". nopenopenopenope. if my mom googles that notorious man, i'm doomed.

recognizing ron jeremy

okay, back story. i'm pretty much a closeted trans*, and i won a raffle for a binder. hell yeah. buuuuuuuuut, i wasn't sure how my parents are going to react to that. so i secretly sent the sender my address and stuff. so the package is big enough for them to have to send to the post office. here is where the problem is. my hotmail name is jesus hose, and i had no.. no idea that the sender would right that down as that name. it was registered male, and my dad has no idea. he can't go pick it from the post office since no one here is named jesus hose. i am fucked. i really need that binder, but since my mom hates people knocking on our door (dumb, yeah.), she put a sign up and the ups guy took it to the post office instead. i feel like crying. too late.

ordering a chest binder. shit.

to make days go by faster at work, i brought in a portable music speaker that i can set up wherever i'm working. so today, i was moved into a hall to clean floors while a cleaning crew worked on the walls. i plug in my ipod so we can all listen to music while working. this was in the morning, and everything went fine, until after lunch. the hall i was working in doesn't have a restroom, and the nearest one is right around the hall corner. i leave my music plugged in to the speaker and go off to relieve myself. all is fine in the restroom, but stepping into the hall i quickly realized my mistake; [killing in the name of](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwxazvhlyxq) was playing and blaring loud "fuck you"s throughout the halls. i fumbled around with the speakers, grabbed my ipod, and went off to hide in shame from everyone else.

told some more senior workers to "fuck you, i won't do what you tell me."

playing music at work.

back story: my best friend and i have known each other for sixteen years and tell each other everything. ok, so 6 years ago, my friend, let's call her c, starts dating a guy,z. z and c exchange virginities and break up soon after. fast forward to 2 years ago when they got back together. c and z get engaged and c cheats on z many times. z tells c it's over and makes her move back in with her mom. about a month ago, z starts txting me. pics are exchanged and we agree to hang out. c finds out and flips shit. starts calling both of us multiple times a day just bitching us out. we both ignore her and continue with our lives. well, we hung out last night and ended up sleeping together. it was amazing and yet i feel awful.

talked to bffs ex fiancé and ended up fucking him. feel awful

fucking my best friend's ex

so i have known for a while that my rings needed to be looked at as the prongs looked a bit worn. however, due to financial strain i kept putting it off. now i have lost a tiny diamond on my wedding band and have no way to replace it. i have no idea where i even lost it. you see, i work in an ac more and today we got our shipment in so it could be anywhere. now i am too nervous to wear either my band or my engagement ring but we can't afford to fix them. i feel like a huge jerk . i should have brought them in to get looked at sooner. now i am screwed and i feel like i let my husband down.

losing one of the diamonds on my wedding band.

its a summer day and being a 16 year old female enjoying the days of being home alone, i decide to put my favorite broadway soundtrack *chicago* on. i hop in the shower to enjoy the jazzy tunes (because, who doesn't like to sing in the shower) and i don't bother to close the bathroom door because i'm home alone right? getting out to dry off when my favorite, "when your good to mama" is on. for those of you who don't know *chicago* very well, "when you're good to mama" is very sudctive if sang/danced right. so i feel hot when i sing this song and began to dry off in a senutal mannor, i put my leg up on the closed toilet seat and having a little sexy time in the mirror to see what i look like if i ever get a boyfriend and i do my little number when i turn my head to see-... my uncle, starting down the hallway. gets a glance of my sexy-nakedness through the wide open door and my towel only covering one boob. he dives down the stairs and i grab my towel, turn off the music and shamefully dry myself off like a normal person, got dressed, and came out to the computer where i write my story of shame.

did a sexy towel dance in the mirror after my shower with the door wide open to the *chicago* song "when you're good to mama" thinking i was home alone, but, my uncle saw it all.

assuming i was home alone.

this actually happened a long time ago and is actually one of my earliest memories of throwing up. when i was about eight i was at a party in my neighborhood when my stomach started to act up. i decided to walk home to go to the bathroom because i thought i needed to poop. i made it to my bathroom but nothing was conning out. after straining to push something out for a good 5 minuets, my face suddenly explodes with vomit. i end up soaking a rug in my bathroom and covering the floor with my puke. i think the only reason i remember this is because it was the first time vomit ever came out my nose an it hurt like a bitch.

how are you this lazy? it's a single paragraph, read it!

not knowing the difference between needing to poop and needing to throw up.

this was actually about 4 years ago, but i think it qualifies as a fuck up. so anyway, i was sick with the flu or something, i had been home sick for a good week. i go to the bathroom to puke. what happened next, was pretty much one of the dumbest things i have done. i was trying to puke into the toilet since i felt like i had to puke, but i also felt a fart coming on. now i thought it was just a fart, wrong. i ended up shitting into my pajama pants right there on the floor. to make it worse, i can't seem to remember puking, so it could have been fucking avoided. i then got into the shower and cleaned up, twice.

fuck you, read.

doing the wrong thing in the right place.

i was dopey and it was early in the morning. i was ironing naked. as i am 6'4" the ironing board is at cock level. as i ironed my shirt the edge of the iron "seared" my cock which was dangling over the work area. it now has a blistered line across the shaft and it is somewhat painful. edit - someone wanted a pic. http://imgur.com/2xxlqv9

ironing my cock

i'm out and want a drink.

not buying whiskey at the store when i was there

i was at my grandparents' farm today just walking around when i stumbled across a blue egg just sitting on the ground. it actually looked whole, but when i picked it up, i noticed it had a few holes in it where the unborn bird must have leaked out. it still had some weight to it though, so i figured that i could just take it home and rinse it out and keep it and it would be a cool thing to have! no. i went to my car to put it in there where i wouldn't forget it. i had my other hand full of stuff, so i used the hand holding the robin egg to open my car door. *crunch* fuck. i looked down at the egg and then realized that a very dark brown liquid had leaked out onto my hand. keep in mind that it is in the 90 degree range here in iowa with a bright sun too. this thing was rotten. so, that's the story of how my hand smelled like death for a day. i washed it off but i don't think i'll ever forget that smell...

accidentally broke a rotten robin's egg into my hand. will never forget the smell.

getting rotten robin egg juices on my hand.

i work at a chain restaurant and lately we have had a lot of "coupon fraud." basically, this means servers steal stacks of coupons or print them from their computer under false emails (or snatch them out of local newspapers but this is more rare) and add them to all their cash checks. since they are their "own bank" and don't pay the restaurant until the end of the night, those coupons that were never really used when someone gives them cash and says keep the change end up being an extra five, ten, whatever dollars in their pocket... sometimes costing us hundreds and hundreds of dollars in losses, impacting manager salaries and bonuses, and also impacting even other hourly employees who are on the upper end of the ladder trying to move up. i found out this mass coupon fraud was going on, and i "checked in" a friend to her shift. not super close, but i've been to her house and drank after work and never had any problems with her. she seemed like a pretty cool chick. i had suggested we search all of the servers' books for coupons, so i was searching them all. i flipped hers open when she set it down when she walked in, and unfortunately, there was a stack of coupons in there... which should be impossible as all coupons actually used are to be turned in at the end of the night, and any that are found are to be turned in and destroyed immediately. basically, if you have a big stack like that, it means you are planning to steal. there were so many witnesses that i couldn't have covered for her even if i wished to do so. another girl got shooed out the door, and as a 'key holder' type position, i cannot show any preferential treatment, especially if i am to be moved into management like i plan. i honestly had no idea she was one of the people stealing. she was suspended for a few days and fired today. i don't know if she will be able to even keep her apartment after this, and that's a pretty shitty feeling to know that you did to a cool person, even if they did make the choice themselves.

got a cool chick i had no problems with fired because she was profiting from coupon fraud. feels bad, man.

getting a friend fired from work. at least it was due to her own actions, but still.