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reddit_tifu

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this is probably the stupidest thing i think i have ever done. at least i feel like it. a little background, i had a great weekend which didn't include a lot of sleep, so that is a factor. i also drive a standard (stick), which will also come into play. anyways, going into work this morning and stopping at 7-11 for a coffee. the grade of the parking lot is maybe 1%, probably less heading back into the road. pull up in front of the store, grab a coffee and a clif bar as i skipped breakfast for the sake of sleep. got up to the counter, made my purchase, and turn to head out side. i notice my car going backward, about halfway through the parking lot now. first thing i think is "someone is seriously stealing my car right now", but wait, there's no one in the driver seat. as i'm running out to grab my car it dawns on me that i failed to get the car in gear to stop it from rolling. and yes, no e-brake was on either. the situation on the road was blocked cars waiting for the light to turn green. at the halfway point where my car was at, light turns green, cars in my car's path get out of the way... barely. the cars behind those, thankfully, saw my moving vehicle, and were honking with no response... until they see me running into the road, hop in my car and drive back into the 7-11. and after about .5 seconds of me comprehending everything, i promptly left the 7-11 to probably never return. i have never felt so stupid.

didn't leave my car in gear when i went to get coffee, car rolled into the road, but caused no major damage other than my pride.

"why is my car traveling across traffic while i'm getting coffee"?

i pull out on my way to work. seems like a nice day to roll my car windows down, so i do that. i light up a cigarette because cancer. i'm driving in the parking lot that wraps around my apartment complex, with some woods off to the other side. a motherfuckin' wasp flies in my motherfuckin' window. i swat at the thing with my lit cigarette and lose control of my car because the damn thing was in my eyes. i hit the dumpster, it's got wheels, so it isn't just staying on the ground. that fucker flips and trash goes everywhere, cans just blowing in the wind, some guys threw away a muffler, and some other car parts, so looking at that i thought i was fucked in the ass, but my car was running. my windshield is shattered. my hood is bent, but just at the front. my bumper may as well not exist because it's falling off. also, i recently downgraded my insurance to just liability because i haven't had any kind of single car accident ever. i then went looking for my cigarette because i didn't want to start a fire in my car. spend 15 minutes looking for the damn thing, find it, under the seat, out. i look for my phone to call work. it's dead. right now my phone is charging with my broken ass car sitting outside my apartment. can't wait to call in to get that shit replaced. fuck wasps, man.

hitting a dumpster with my car.

so last month i was admitted to the hospital with a high fever because i was having trouble with a medicine i was taking. last year i was diagnosed with crohn's disease (if you don't know what that is basically its just a disorder that makes you shit a lot). so i was in the hospital connected to an iv and really had to go to the bathroom. i told my dad (a doctor) to disconnect the iv and went to the bathroom. at this point i was extremely dehydrated and the only thing keeping fluid in me was the iv. i went in the bathroom and while i was taking off my gown i passed out. i don't know how much time passed but when i woke up the floor was covered in urine, vomit, and diarrhea. i quickly wiped myself up and left the bathroom like nothing ever happened, without bothering to clean anything up or telling anyone. within the next five minutes i heard a scream and a huge vomiting noise soon all the nurses were over there vomiting. so basically i made the entire er staff throw up.

shitting on the floor of the bathroom of a hospital

this morning i woke up early (around 6:45) because of restlessness. i had spent sunday with some friends having a good time but i'm pretty sure i had food poisoning from a saturday night burger... but whatever... so i can't sleep and it's 6:45 am... i know i need to get my oil changed today (and my tires rotated because i know it's been a while. i'm not a car guru but i know my way around one i like to think... and more importantly... how much this would cost). anyway, i figure... well... it's 6:45 and the dealership opens at 7... they shouldn't be crowded this early so i figured i'd just get it done with. i didn't expect to pay more than 65/75 for the service... but i have about 150$ in my checking account (i'm a minimum wage research assistant at my school for the summer. i save as much as i can but i usually go out for dinner once a week or so... plus gas and groceries when i'm up at my dorm... i'm home this week). anyway, i arrive at the dealership of a popular japanese automotive company (as my car is made by this company)... pull in... and i'm greeted by a friendly service man who asks what i'd like to have done. i say 'just an oil change... rotate the tires please, i didn't do it last time so i know i'm overdue. also i keep getting this annoying' filter light'. could you just check that out? i guess you'll tell me what's up.' service technician: 'yeah of course, no problem. let me just write you up and you can wait inside' me: 'great, thank you!' ... i sit in the waiting room browsing reddit on my phone while watching the news on the tv for about forty minutes or so. finally the guy comes back and says: service technician: 'mr fuckthis_fuck you? your car is ready. here's your receipt and you can be on your way.' as he walks me over to the cashier he starts talking about the receipt and what was done: service technician: 'okay so, it'd been a while since your last oil change so we did that for you. we rotated the tires. we replaced the in cabin air filter, and with parts and labor that comes to 180$.' my heart skips a beat... i know what's going to happen if i try to swipe my card. it'll get declined... i have overdraft protection. but wtf... i only intended on spending 50/60. we go to the cashier and nervously i hand her my card because i'm too beta to question why he went ahead and put the filter in without asking. i'm not an idiot but i'm a bit shy and i have a social issue when it comes to talking to people of authority like this sometimes (i. e... i never complain about service or question the price of things out of some crazy fear of being arrested or some shit). so i swipe my card and of course... declined. i'm honest and say, ' yeah honestly i didn't expect to pay 180$ today. i don't have that kinda cash' *my face is so red from embarrassment* the technician and the cashier laugh and understand when i say 'let me call my sister... she's off work today so she can cover it for me.' in reality... yes... my sisters day off is today but that's because she just got back from traveling two states. so i know she's sleeping and will be pissed. i called the house (my mom was in the shower) and explain to my sister what's up. she's clearly frustrated but she agrees she'll come down and cover me. in reality it probably only took my sister ten minutes to come down... but it felt like hours as i'm standing there awkward as hell at the cashiers desk. finally... my sister comes in with a pissed look on her face shaking her head. she pays the bill without speaking to me and says 'meet you at home.' the story continues but bump if interested edit: continuation. i'll continue later, i'm a bit beat right now.

getting my car serviced

we were trolling slowly in the boat and for some reason i just all of a sudden jumped in. i don't know why, i just know that all of a sudden i'm in the lake and i immediately realize i had my glasses on. the worst part is i felt them hit my foot. i was too drink to go diving twenty five feet for them. it sucks.

getting drink and jumping in the lake with $200 glasses on.

so my family and i went out for dinner as my mum and younger sister had just come back off holiday. i wanted something a little different than my usual gammon and chips, and i didn't have long to order so i just chose a simple burger and chips. (what can go wrong?!) well the food came and it was very nice. we paid and went home. about an hour after i got home, i started to feel slightly off so i decided to lay down for a bit. this went on for about 3 hours so by this point it was about 1am when suddenly i got the urge to go to the loo. as soon as i sat down on the toilet my arse *exploded.* i felt like a faulty hosepipe. at the same time, i needed to be sick. the bath and sink is about 2.5m away so there was no way i could reach and i was in no position to get up whilst i was spraying out shit at all angles. i puked everywhere. it was on my feet, on the walls, all up the side of the toilet, on the door. luckily i had my phone in my pocket, so i messaged my partner for help. i actually felt slightly better, so i got up off the toilet, flushed and went and sat by the bath whilst he cleared up the sick. as i was sitting down, i realised i needed to be sick again, so i knelt over the side of the bath and began throwing up again. the force of my retching, unfortunately, caused me to start shitting wildly again. i was not on the toilet. it was heavy and wet and it stunk. so there i was, covered in sick and shit and sweat. i started to peel my clothes off so i could get into the sick-covered bath to shower. just after i got all of my clothes off, i started to retch again. there was no blocking the shit this time. it sprayed on the walls, the sink, the shower, the mirror, everywhere. i was naked, covered in my sick from earlier on the toilet, i'd shat myself twice and it was still dribbling down my legs, all dignity lost, whilst my poor fiance was cleaning it up. and all because i didn't have the fucking gammon for dinner.

i shat myself whilst i was naked and it sprayed all over my bathroom.

ordering a burger in the restaurant, instead of my usual gammon and chips.

so i have a diaper fetish. no more, no less than that. i was cooking some dinner, wearing a diaper like i do pretty much every day anyway, chilling out and i have a little bit of a tummy ache going. i have this killer urge to fart, and it 'feels wrong'. man i don't know.. it just feels like something's going to go down. so i edge the fart as close as it will go before concluding it's a bit of a schroedinger situation. "well. i'm wearing a diaper. i guess it doesn't matter if i gamble!", keep in mind i never shit myself. it's a disgusting idea and i don't consider it fun at all. so i decide to gamble, and to my dismay, it was a shart. it wasn't just a shart. it was a huge shart. it was the diarrhoea you wouldn't want to imagine ever having. i stopped for a moment, my eyes turned a little glassy and after just a little push, i had soiled myself so badly that i could barely move without making disgusting squelching sounds. i was full to the goddamn brim. so i run upstairs to the bathroom, lift up my skirt and sit on the floor, untape my diaper and this was not good. the diarrhoea had gone around the front of me, all over and slightly inside my vagina. i was covered in my own diarrhoea, and oh god the smell was the most disgusting thing you could possibly imagine. so i took the most shameful shower of my life, never again to gamble on a fart. i then finished cooking dinner.

shitting myself for no good reason at all.

earlier today i left a pepsi in the freezer to cool off. i felt like drinking it later so i didn't think to move it to the fridge before i went to sleep. i just woke up about an hour ago and was ridiculously warm. i decided i'd go drink that pepsi of mine. the moment i touched it, it instantaneously froze. i didn't think anything would be wrong with it. i walked to the other side of the kitchen from my refrigerator and began to open it. *boom* it exploded like a grenade of pepsi in my face. it was on the ceiling, in our cupboards and on the floor 10 feet away from me in our living room. i cleaned the stuff that got on the floor and the ceiling. i cleaned the inside of the cupboards that got a taste of pepsi as well. last but not least, i showered. my hair was stuck together and my eyes were sticky. not putting pepsi in the freezer again. i posted this on facebook as well as a small apology to my parents for the mess i made and will finish cleaning in the morning. "mom, dad there's a stack of dishes on the counter that got covered in pepsi. if you could load the contents of the sink into the dishwasher i'll wash them tomorrow."

today i fucked up by opening a frozen pepsi.

leaving pepsi in the freezer for a few hours.

it's 4 in the morning and i'm holding a piece of toilet paper to my balls. *why?* you ask? i'll tell ya why. around 3 in the morning, i get this bright idea, "if i shaved my balls, i wouldn't ever have to deal with it's nuisance again." and with that, i set off to my bathroom to shave my balls. razor? check. scissors? check. soaked balls? check. brother's sink filled with water? chhheeeck. 10 minutes in: everything's going according to plan. the feeling of the blade caressing the skin of my nuts; not a thing to be taken lightly. i finally finish everything and decide, "i'm gonna go over this again," because lord knows the only good shaved balls are smooth shaved balls. i then rinse and repeat, but this time, i decide to shave *upward* to make sure i get the little follicles out. this...this is where i fucked up. apparently balls can't handle that, so with each and individual hair that is ripped from my crotch, little splotches of blood appear. of course, myself being in the euphoric state i was in, didn't even notice it. after several seconds of wondering why my water has turned red, i look down, and to my horror...*bloody balls*. i start panicking and grab toilet paper to dab at it. turns out it wasn't too bad, so now as i'm typing this, a piece of toilet paper is the only thing getting between my bloody balls, and my clean pair of underwear. and for those who are probably dying to know, yes. my balls are smooth.

shave down, easy but prickly. shave up, smooth but bloody.

shaving my balls.

this wasn't too recent so forgive me, but i figure it's embarrassing enough to share. so it's 8am and it's the big spanish final i'd been cramming for; i figured i'd do pretty well after all the time i spent studying. so i get there, tired as hell, get seated and wait for the test. there's a delay, so i'm sitting there trying to keep myself from dosing off due to general tiredness during the wait. after some time i finally get the test, and the first section is the listening section i'm sure most of you remember. the teacher would read a story aloud and we'd have to answer a multiple choice question about it. this stuff was easy to me, but she would reread each story before moving on, which gave me nothing to do for like 3 minute intervals. eventually it's like the 5th question, i'm sick of waiting and i just lay my head down on the desk until the next question. next thing you know i lift my head up all groggy-eyed and look around the room. the teacher isn't standing up reading anymore and everyone is working silently. i look to the clock and realize 30 minutes had passed. i somehow managed to fall asleep and miss the rest of the reading section; not only that, i'd been asleep for 30 minutes and no teacher felt the need to wake me up. so i looked down at my test to do damage control and try and make up for what i missed, when i notice in the corner of my eye a bump. i look down in horror to realize i had massive morning wood from the nap. i was wearing shorts and there was a very visible erection going on down there. i wish it was the pattern in the shorts creating an illusion, but no. so i imagine what everyone else saw. they saw a kid sleeping during the exam with an erection. i tried my best to hide it once i realized, but i knew that people saw and i'm pretty sure they weren't going to talk about it (but they would shame me in their minds). in hindsight, maybe they didn't want to wake me up because i had an erection? who knows? all i know was it was embarrassing as hell and i avoided my spanish teacher for the rest of my time at that high school. also yes i miraculously managed to score in the 80s.

fell asleep during an exam and woke up realizing i had a very visible erection that was probably seen by many people. at least i passed. :)

falling asleep in spanish

why do i keep doing this shit?! ok, little known fact. i write music, and whenever i don't have the chance to write it out, i think up the coolest tunes ever. i was finally at my computer playing some games with my friend when i though up a cool melody. i get to work. i write out the melody quickly so i don't forget it, then i work on some chords. they make the melody sound different with the 3osc. maybe i'll write a background version with a simple melody instead of chords with the piano. so, i've been working for an hour now, and my friend is about to die in the game. "i'm comin' buddy, gimme a sec." i render it in an mp3 and close fls... here's my mistake. when i'm wasting time on my computer, i'm usually very fast about it so i can waste the same amount of time doing even more pointless shit. so i use muscle memory for most of it. i usually just fuck around in fls, so i don't bother saving. my muscle memory is quick about this. *menuquitdon'tsave* so when i actually have to save... my muscle memory **fucks me up the ass with a fifty foot sword**. when i realize what i've just done, i flip the keyboard and sit there with a look of disbelief, anger, and a realization of my own stupidity. i lost a fuckton of work... that i will never get back. ------------------------------------------------- update: by some miracle, i remembered the tune. i've started writing the tune out. sounds pretty good. and i'm saving every time i move a note.

clicking "don't save".

it's the beginning of a new day and everything goes rather smoothly. by mid-morning i have the urge to use the restroom and excuse myself from class. in the stall there's a toilet paper dispenser drilled into the wall of the stall, i set my phone on top, do my lady-business, stand up to pull up my pants, grab my phone, flush the toilet and go. well, when i grabbed my phone and turned around to flush the toilet (because god forbid we have space in the stalls. it would be a crime against humanity if we could actually fit comfortably in a bathroom stall) but i had a lose grip on the phone and so the force of the turn sends the phone flying out of my hands- fuck. in an attempt to save my phone i do the ol' cartoon mad dash for the object where it bounces out of one hand, into the other, back into the beginning hand and then plop- into the piss filled toilet water. ohshitohshitohshit- stick hand into the toilet and pull out my phone without a second thought, until i realized i just submerged my entire hand into pissy water. in an act to save my phone i shove it under the hand dryer in order to prevent the water and piss from getting too far into my phone. luckily it helped long enough for me to call my mom in tears because i could lose all my data and the fact that i stuck my hand in pee and explained what happened. roughly an hour later she came to the school with a bag of rice and took my phone home to let it sit and hopefully start working again sometime soon.

dunking my phone in piss.

i told her after class and she just said, "um, thanks?" (she is pretty cute, huge ass and very nice breasts. she's pretty skinny too.)

telling a girl that her tights were see through.

"i know!" said a project-hungry and energetic me of 3 hours ago. "i can breathe new life into these khaki-colored corduroys by dyeing them! how about a nice fall tone - burgundy! yeah!" i jaunted to my local craft store and purchased dye, rubber gloves, and salt. "i have everything i need for my new equation for pants. time to get cracking!" i carefully put on the rubber gloves - wouldn't want to stain these dainty fingers of mine! i filled the washing machine with hot water and salt, mixing carefully as not to let even one drop of the saltwater mixture splash over - not one! i couldn't be a fool and forget to shake the mixture bottle, so i took off the lid, saw the sealed bottle, and sh--- red wedding. in my bathroom. not only all over my entire body and clothes, but the toilet, floors, dryer, walls....i happened to have a burgundy-colored towel that i used to sop up most of the mess, hastily launching it into the sink and then back onto the floor, perhaps just smearing the blood-colored spatters rather than cleaning them. just a few minutes until my new burgundy pants are ready - plus burgundy shirt and other shirt and underwear that got ruined in the process. today, reddit, i fucked up. p.s. - setting: mom's basement bathroom in house which is getting appraised tomorrow. **edit: [imgur album](http://imgur.com/a/dcisp) with before/after results plus superhot model.**

being not careful with clothing dye.

people of tifu, i hit a damn barn. at work i was pulling an old flat-bed work truck from one of our fleet-customers, out of our shop. it was in for some maintenance work before the plowing season this winter. i backed it out of the garage bay, put it back in drive, started turning to squeeze it between the shop and the barn, and started to accelerate. as far as i could tell, by watching the corner of the barn, and the mirrors, i had enough room to squeeze through. bam. i clipped the corner of the barn with the corner of the flatbed. i backed it up, made enough room, and squeezed back through. i parked the truck, looked at the corner of the barn and the truck, and there was no serious damage to either. i mean, we're talking a steel flatbed, and some corrugated steel and wood. i was really embarrassed, and i was ashamed, so i just worked the rest of the day pretending it never happened. well my boss heard it, and now he doesn't know what to do about it.

; clipped a barn at work, was to embarrassed to tell anyone. boss heard it happen, might fire me.

hitting a barn.

so i recently graduated from college, and i'm looking for a full-time job like every other schmuck in this world. the logical thing for me would be to put my resume on career builder, and start applying for some jobs. done and done. i got a call this morning for a company i applied to yesterday global marketing concepts to be exact. the woman on the phone was nice, and explained that she was looking for someone to manage accounts for her clients. i said great, count me in, and she set me up for an interview.i was suspicious after really looking at the name. global marketing concepts? what the fuck does that even mean? after some digging i found out it's actually a scam. you go to these interviews and they make you a door to door salesman for t-mobile. well fuck me. then i get another call. this guy is apparently a head hunter for aflack. he says he wants to interview me for a marketing position. i accept. i google the position because he really didn't say much about it on the phone. another. fucking. scam. this one apparently is for telemarketing for aflack. i accepted 2 interviews that i'm going to have to blow off because i'm not getting conned into being a door to door salesman or a fucking telemarketer.

putting my resume on careerbuilder.com

so, there i was. sitting in culture-class. with all the backseat kissers and other students not paying attention at all. today i think it was like 3/4 not being at school (always). i got a popsicle from my boyfriend friend =) they had been to the local store nearby, and it was a really hot day. it was at least 45 degrees outside. we couldn't even walk. so we had to sit inside with the fan in our free time because of the extremely hot weather! cutting to the chase: so my teacher asked me what i'm going to do next summer, and i could barely think in the heat. plus she had a very showing cleavage with a white shirt showing most of her breast. she bent forward of exhaustion. all of a sudden. co-worker appears, she looks to her left as she responds to him. then my popsicle starts melting (and it melted really! fast like 0mg!) the tip of my popsicle fell into her cleavage as she was talking to her co-worker. then she shakes (don't know how to describe that) her shirt so that that half of my popsicle fell down into her bra. .. you know what happens next. *_* absolutely the most awkward moment ive had in my life and probably will ever have.

making my teacher think i'm a lesbian

lesson, you should not try and build things when you're sleep deprived. [there will be blood.](http://imgur.com/vgmaehi)

looking for a jigsaw blade with my hand stuck in a piece of mdf instead of having a look. was kind of inevitable really.

so today my rear tube on my bike popped, nothing to big, happens every two months or so, no big. so i take my bike home remove the wheel, replace the tube really quick, and attach the tire back to the bike, like i've done dozens of times before. i walk my bike to the street and start to ride it. i don't go ten feet before my bike jams up on me. i look at what happened. the left side of the wheel just slid out of the frame. causing the right fork of the tire to bend out of place i'm stoked this didn't happen while riding fast, but still that fork is ruined and i may have to buy a new brake.... i really loved that bike

not tightening my bolts well enough on my bike

our homecoming was over the weekend and i decided to grow some. so walked over to girl i sorta know, reach for her hand during a slow dance song and it goes really well. she seems to be really into it and i'm on cloud nine until i get to school monday. i'm a senior, but i don't have a defined friend group, i mostly drift between the nerds and some of the popular kids. well, everybody is pissed at me. at first i don't understand why, but then i talk to one of my friends. everyone is judging me for dancing with this chick. last year i had told the girl i liked that i would ask her to homecoming, but things didnt really work out because she said she didn't have enough time for a relationship. mostly people are mad that i would "do something like that to her." if she wanted to go she should have said yes. what few friends i had are not speaking to me because they have deemed it "wrong" for me to dance with this girl. she's giving me the cold shoulder as well and i'm not sure what to do. most of the girls in my classes are just saying stuff like "when you do something that big, people are gonna notice," but i'm still not sure what i've done wrong. it's probably just regular high school drama but it's a pretty big deal to me right now because i wasn't the most popular kid before this.

dancing at homecoming

i'm a student web developer and my boss was put in charge of creating a system to track incoming students for one of the colleges in my university that would enable student recruiters to more effectively reach out to students. this quickly became exclusively my job, and has become more and more complex as time has gone on. we're talking about a 40-50 page web system with tens of thousands of lines of code behind it. unfortunately i have recently had to take two weeks off due to a surgery and the deadline for the system to be finished was during that time. it looks like they went ahead and just scrambled some bits together at the end and started using it. part of the system is a sub-system to help student recruiters to call students by pulling up the name and number of a student to call who has not yet been called. at some point, this shifted into a system for student recruiters to use to make acceptance calls. here's the fuck up - i never added a checker to see if the student being called had been accepted. so tonight the system went live (without anyone else looking at it i suppose) and student workers began calling students and congratulating them on their acceptance.. until: >hello student a, this is student recruiter b calling from university c to congratulate you on your acceptance to the college of d! >uhm, hi student recruiter b, i haven't applied yet but awesome! >ohshit.jpg then i got a call from my boss and now i'm waiting to see if he's going to come pick me up to fix it (still recovering from surgery and can't drive) **

**: anyone with a phone number in a system i built for a college at the university i go to is getting a call tonight congratulating them on their acceptance, accepted or not, because i forgot 6 lines of code.

causing non-accepted students to receive acceptance calls

i'm not trying to outdo any of the other tifu stories here, but this just happened to me five minutes ago. i don't know about anyone else, but occasionally, i get huge... er.. zits inbetween my legs, not at my crotch, but on my inner thighs. sometimes these things get massive, like to the point that i'm worried i'll have staph. i know this doesn't seem like it has anything to do with what the title says, but i'll get there. anyway, i'd found one of these on my leg (not hard to do... they hurt like a bitch, so i know when i have one.) and pulled my shorts down to try and pop it. it swole up, huge. so i tried to take my knife to pop that so it would bleed. after about 5 minutes of this, i realized how it would look if someone were to walk in with me in front of my computer while i had my shorts down, so i quickly stood up and pulled them up, but unbeknownst to me, i had apparently knocked my chair over backwards, and as i tried to sit back down, it looked like a scene straight from the three stooges. i landed on my ass, and my head hit one of the legs on the chair. i was fortunate enough that no one saw me.

tried to pop a crotch zit, became the fourth stooge.

trying to sit down.

throwaway account because i'm embarassed. in my living room at present there's a few different plants, including lemon, pepper, chilli and some herbs. it's common to see me picking bits off and eating them. anyway i decided to try one of the chillis today, as it was the first time i'd grown them and so i was curious to find out what they tasted like. anyway, i ate one and went off for a sleep, as i was really quite tired, without washing my hands. when i woke up, i was still half-asleep and feeling a little 'in the mood' so i decided to do the two-finger shuffle. it was about 10s after i began i remembered the chilli. then all of a sudden the most intense, hot pain shot through me from my genitals and i jumped off the bed crying in pain. i ended up smearing yoghurt into my crotch to make the pain go away.

masturbating.

let me just start off my saying i work very hard for any money that comes my way. i babysit up to 6 kids at any time, watching 2 children full time. i am severely underpaid though. i get maybe 20 dollars every few weeks, no matter how often i babysit. (thanks mom) it's incredibly frustrating to try to save up for things, let alone go out anywhere without wanting something. i finally, after many weeks saved up enough to get some clothes i had been dying to get. super excited, i go online and pick out all the clothes i want during this great sale. 70 dollars worth of stuff, holy shiet. so exciting. i checkout, go through paypal because it's easier, and i don't have my own credit card. autofill thinking whatevs, the name is right, the number is right, city is right, is awl good. days pass. still waiting. da fuq. i go to the paypal account, everything looks goo-oh my god. wrong address. same city, wrong fucking address. ring up dat ol' paypal. it's obviously too late to change the address, but meh, i'll just call my old apartment complex and let them know what happened. i explain what happened, they say they'll look for it and call me. yay! wrong. it didn't arrive in a box. instead the mailman (i'm assuming) shoved it into some tiny ass mailbox and gave it to whoever lives in that apartment now. i call the place i ordered the clothes from to see if there's anything i can do. no insurance on the package, can't do shit. i hope that whoever lives in that apartment is damn happy having such amazing clothes.

i gifted some random person 70 dollars worth of clothing, which i worked very hard to be able to afford. crying.

letting paypal auto fill my info

on a plane to riga from moscow i became extremely drunk. i hate flying so i brought a flask of vodka on the plane. i wake up a day later tied to a bed in a hospital. my money was stolen. they said an ambulance had to take me from the airport. i have no idea what happened but i am terrified that i might be banned from flying... the hospital cost 66 lats but i have no way to pay it. luckily, i have already paid for the hostel so i can stay here for a few days. my visa is being processed and will be ready friday but what if they won't let me on the plane? i have a credit card with no money so i am waiting to talk to parents who are in canada... i don't know if they can transfer money to a russian credit card. thank you for reading... wish me luck. edit: does anyone know how to transfer money internationally? edit 2: lots of great comments. it makes me feel a little less alone. some updates - my sister sent money through western union but since my visa is being processed i don't have an id so i have to wait until tomorrow. living off oranges and nuts. i called and asked about my flight and gave my reference number. they told me when i fly and no mention about being banned. not sure what to do about hospital bill but i guess they won't keep me in latvia to pay? the flask was bigger than a normal one... i drank it quickly and with the altitude i guess it hit me stronger. btw, i'm canadian, not russian. yes, i have a problem. i must quit drinking before it destroys me completely. finally, i'm not really sure what help the canadian embassy can offer.

getting drunk on a plane

our houses are about 3 blocks away. i slipped on a wet metal grate holding a bottle of wine. it smashed in my hand. in to my hand. had to have plastic surgery on my hand. edit: photo of it [cut up hand](http://distilleryimage8.ak.instagram.com/06afea68d44d11e28c7c22000a1fb876_7.jpg) photo a week later [sewed up hand](http://distilleryimage0.ak.instagram.com/edd8ba70d7c511e2850422000a1f9a85_7.jpg)

didn't leave a half finished bottle of wine at a friend's place.

i started playing cookie clicker

tifu

well it started off as our typical conversation and what not. we started talking about boys and how her parents are so strict especially her dad. then she's like "i don't have any boys!" my reply "not yet you dont!" i was honestly just not thinking. that was supposed to be a fucking compliment. she's all like "what is that supposed to mean?" i replied "i dont know!" she did not believe me at all. she thought i was just saying "i don't know" to hide it from her. i really did not know. so this went on for about an hour or two and i was like "ehhhh fuck it. lets do this leeeerooy jeennkiins... oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. why did i do that. what. the. fuck. no no no no no no no." i said "i may or may not like you." she said that reminded me of a jb song ^wtf.. i was like "what song?" she didn't reply so i thought she fell asleep. i sent her a text at like 4 in the morning saying sorry and how awkward it is now, and that i'm embarrassed. it was a solid paragraph. she totally avoided it by saying "sorry i didn't reply last night!" k. she still texts me but to be frank with you.. i find it very very awkward.

telling the girl i like, that i liked her.

so i get to the funeral home and my mom asks the director if she has a tom jones cd to play because he was my grandmas favorite, the director replies no and i said i could hook up my phone on the tom jones pandora station. great right? not great. i turn it up, "its not unusual" plays, good. and then. staying alive comes on next and its blasting and it was awful i lunged at the phone but the damage was done i got so many looks from disappointed relatives.

at my grandmas funeral

this happened yesterday... i haven't had contacts recently, and have been relying on my old glasses. regardless, i do t shower with my glasses. during my shower i decided to comb out my hair. blind little old me put my hand in the basket on top of the toilet to grab the comb. what i hadn't been informed was that there was a razor in there. needless to say, the razor met my finger. i thought it was a little prick until it started bleeding a little... then more... then more..... hauled ass out of the shower. 3 different slices (i think) from the razor blades. being without contacts is painful. very, very painful. pics: http://m.imgur.com/a/7ecae

reaching for a comb...

i recently got a macbook for my film production program which i start next week, and i needed to get a few things for it, one of them being an external harddrive. i love using western digital because their stuff is awesome. so i went to canada computers to purchase a 1 tb passport drive and an external bd drive, since i own a lot of blu-ray movies. i get home and i want to start moving my files from another 1 tb passport drive i have to the new one i just bought. since both of them are identical both of them, when plugged in have the same name when appearing on the screen "my passport." i tried to move the files from one drive to the other but that didn't work. i moved one of my 130 gb movie folders (a-f) onto the desktop as a test and it transferred without fail. i wanted to rename the one i just got for my macbook a new name since it would make it easier to tell which is which, so i go into wd's special guide to try and rename the drive. on the page, both harddrives were shown, but didn't specify which was which, so i assumed the first image was the mac one because i plugged that one first. i changed the format of the drive and click "i agree" to say that i acknowledge that everything on the drive will be erased. i thought "i don't need the extra stuff wd has on the drive, so fuck it." next thing i know, the image on the desktop disappears and reappears to the new name. i click on it and there's nothing on the drive, just like i suspected. i open up another window of the other drive, and it's just the wd stuff on it. oh shit.......... i just lost 3 big folders of movies i didn't copy (g-m, n-s, t-z) some documents from previous backups of my former samsung laptop (not really important) and video footage from my camcorder from my university project when i interviewed writer/songwriter of animaniacs randy rogel (he wrote the states and presidents song just to name a few) and spike lee's talk when he came to my university in february. in the end, i didn't lose anything i would cry over, but i definitely fucked up... bought exact same harddrive for my new mac. wanted to rename one to distinct which one was for my mac. accidentally deleted my pc external harddrive which had over 300 gb of movies and files from previous laptop that included video footage of an interview with an animaniacs writer and footage of a spike lee talk.

accidentally erasing the wrong external harddrive

so in the turkish republic foreigners residing in the country for an extended period of time are required to get a residence permit. today was my appointment. this occurs at the fatih police station. a lot of people have trouble finding finding the location within the complex where you turn in your papers. in light of this, after i turn mine in i thought to myself, "wouldn't it be useful to create a guide so other people could use it." why this guide should include some photos! so stupid me decides to act on this, at the time, brilliant idea and on my way out im merrily taking photos of landmarks to use. since my appointment is late, (9pm) there is nobody around and i can take these photos unabated. all is well until i get to the front and i take a photo of the building. i get accosted by what i assume to be a non uniformed police officer and i tell him in turkish that i don't speak enough to understand him. he takes me to a uniformed officer sporting an mp5 submachine gun and tells him the situation in turkish. by now i realized i've made a mistake but i have no choice but to ride this rollercoaster until the end. so since i realize my mistake and i already know what's coming next i hand the officer my device with the photos pulled up and i delete one making sure to show him the process. he takes it and repeats the process for every photo while asking questions like, where are you from? why are you taking photos? why are you in turkey? where do you study? what do you study? by this point i'm attracting a lot of attention from the other officers posted in front because there is literally nothing else happening other than cars driving by, it's really late like 9:45pm local time. so every time another officer joins our new circle of friends i have to repeat my story. by the end i'm encircled by 6 police officers armed with an assortment of automatic weapons including mp5 and m4 looking weapons that may have been hks since they already had mp5s. the last officer that joined our circle of friendship came up on my left and cut me off mid sentence and yelled,"dont panic, dont panic my friend." now, i dont feel like i was panicking, i could feel some adrenaline sure but even if i was panicking i feel like i was perfectly within my right to panic because i was encircled by police in a foreign country sporting automatic weapons after doing something very stupid. right before this the original english speaking officer asked if i took videos, i hadnt but he had to check anyway. he watches a few of them, and scrolls through some like he had before with the pictures, at some point he was just admiring my collection, anyway he selects one more to play and this one happened to be me shooting a handgun at an indoor firing range. so that didn't look good. anyway, since the new guy joined i had to go through the gauntlet of questions again and this time at the end, kind of out of the blue, he asks if i know of [kevin mitnick](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/kevin_mitnick). now, i did two internships at a defense contractor during high school after i performed well in a cyber security competition and at a time i trained to be a penetration tester. so yeah, i know who kevin mitnick is we hit it off from there. i had the fortune to take a cybersecurity centric tour of the pentagon before and i happen to have a cio.gov folder from that day that i used to carry all my residence permit shit. it has a presidential seal on it and binary 1s and 0s aesthetically faded on the interior, they ooo'ed and aaahh'ed at it for a few moments and made polite conversation about hacking and firearms. when i'm about to leave he says something about a photo and facebook, i didn't ask to clarify because i really wanted to get out of that situation since my fight or flight response was still active. we exchange goodbyes in turkish after a few steps i say turn and say the equivalent of "bye-bye" in turkish and wave. they respond the same as a group with a smile and i ran to cross the street. it's weird to think had we been born in the same city we may have been best friends.

taking photos of a turkish police station

some people say killing yourself is selfish or even a weak way out but the truth is i'm a waste of life and oxygen. i'm nothing more than someone creating trash and polluting the earth. why can't people kill themselves and it not be ok. if i was an animal let's say a dog that was born in a litter and i was just that dog that could never get it together or i bit someone then they put me to sleep. so why not people. i didn't go to college i fucked around in school finally got my highschool diploma and now i'm stuck working terrible dead end jobs. i'm almost 30 what's the point of going to school when life is almost over. i even tried that a couple years ago but kept fucking up so here i am owing a school five grand and i have nothing to show for it. my life is shit. i'm fat and not just fat i am obese i'm 500 pounds i feel like i could have a heart attack at any minute. i live in an apartment with my gf that i don't deserve i make just enough money to pay bills sometimes not even enough for that i'm broke constantly i have a 5 year old from a precious relationship that's mentally handicapped and i don't even know of he is mine. i give almost $300 of my check for child support for a kid i don't even know is mine. and all because my ex is a lazy fucking welfare bunny. i work a dead end job with a bunch of cunts that peaked in highschool and now gotta make up for lost time. of being cunts i am constantly asked to do tons of work because i am good at it but passed up on every promotion. i have nothing going for me. i have a small group of friends that i don't even feel like i fit in with. everything in life i feel like i am on the outside starring in. even with my family i don't get called for family dinner or when stuff is going on. i am not good at anything. i feel like people are only friendly with me because they are scared of me. just like people that are in jail for killing people or going crazy why can't they just die why can't i just die. i just wanna put my gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. i'm so tired of life its exhausting not knowing what's gonna happen tomorrow how i'm gonna pay for this and that having to wake up everyday ass early to work a job a fucking hate just to stay alive. i see why people lose their minds and go crazy. today i fucked up because i realized just how fucking useless i am and its all my fucking fault.

realizing i should kill myself.

so this happened a couple of hours before. we (me and my family) are on a cemetery (in my country we go there if its nov.1). so we are having fun, like joking etc. at the same time, this youngest son of my cousin is very hypertensive, like run here, run there, play here, and play there. at that time there are so many people and it is so easy to loss a kid (especially 3yrs old). then this kid suddenly loss in our sight. his godparent whom his auntie also. run like hell to the direction where she last saw him running. we never thought that he was on the 2nd floor of our mausoleum. then when she returned and ask us if we found him, someone whom behind me says "no, no, he hasn't found yet". then the little jerk inside of me suddenly came out without notice. i also yelled the same words with matching pointing out the place where she ran to. then she ask again if he was already found. then i repeated it again. that time i didn't know she wasn't on a very good mood because her favorite nephew whom she was also a godparent is currently mia (i know, i get very insensitive sometimes). then someone behind me said he was there on the upper level. from there it got out of hand and it blows up like a bomb. she yelled that its not a joke if someone is missing and i was in the front and the one whom everyone can blame. then she erupted like a volcano, i never saw her like that. i froze that moment and processing the things i did. she got red and crying out loud and saying things. her brother burst mild laugh then she yelled that he is also to blame and cursed at him. at that time i was sweating like a pig. i feel like i was inside of an oven or even worst i was burning in hell because of i did. then my cousin whom the mother is got mad at her and scolded her because the way she is acting at that moment. because of that i feel even worst. she was scolded because of being to much caring. until now i can't look at her and talk to her. i really feel guilty. :(

we are having fun, tried to made a joke to my cousin that our nephew is still missing, she found out, yelled and crying while scolding us whom literally focused to me, cursed at her brother who laugh mildly. she got scolded by the mother because the way she is acting. and i'm sweating like a pig. and everyone is blaming me.

fooling around

so i'll start by saying i'm totally straight. me and my dad usually have political arguments. daily actually. well often it gets down to views on human rights. gay marriage. well when it gets down to this i usually flip shit. i admit, i get out of control but he literally says shit like, "well if we let the gays marry, then people are going to want to marry their car!" actual dad quote by the way. well anyways today, when i went off, i said, "if straight people can marry, why can't we?!" shit got silent there. i tried to correct myself with, "they," but he just said yep and walked away. needless to say he's ignored me for the rest of last night.

tried to defend gays to conservative dad, told him i was gay.

telling my conservitive father i'm gay.

so i went out tonight. i thought, "hey it's halloween, maybe i can try and hook up with some random girl and it will be fun and awesome." most of the night was lame, couples out together, people not in costume, not many people out in general because it's a thursday, etc, etc. so, i end up getting good and drunk because i feel like a random hookup is not happening, and i eventually break off from my group of friends. the bar i'm at is closing up so i walk over to another bar next to the one i'm at to roll the dice. i smoke a cigarette and everyone is paired off with someone or in a group of dudes 5 deep. i see a hot girl standing by herself. i start talking to her and she sort of recognizes my costume. she immediately jumps to me taking her home. i agree and we hop in a cab back to my place. she says she's cold and starts rubbing my legs. i just take this as her being assertive about what she wants and not leaving anything to the imagination. she says some other stuff that i don't really hear, but i pay no mind because i assume she's giving instructions to the cab driver. eventually we get back to my place and she says we can do everything if i want, which seems weird to me, so i say we'll see, trying to play it cool. at this point i'm properly drunk and was content with just going to bed with an attractive girl next to me. i escort her in, and as i bring her into my room she basically explains that she's a prostitute. so much for me being charming or attractive or witty or whatever the fuck i was thinking i was. it doesn't end there though. i call a cab for her to get out of there, the first cab comes and calls, but i miss the call due to shitty reception in my apartment. the whole time she's freezing while lying in my bed, in my not terribly cold apartment so i semi-cuddle with her, which she's cool with. eventually the second cab comes and i escort her out, pay for the cab and she leaves. the whole time she was here i felt awful for wasting her time during prime bar time. i felt like the biggest idiot, but she was super nice during the whole ordeal. edit: perhaps the most embarrassing thing about this is that i'm a grown ass man and need to call my mom and explain this to her because i used one of her credit cards for the cab rides, since my card wasn't swiping properly. edit2: deleted a brain fart in the first line.

bringing someone home.

this happened yesterday afternoon. i got up after only about 3 hours of sleep, feeling rather shitty. my wife and brother-in-law were prepping the house for the halloween party we had planned, and i was tasked with making the sweet tea. nothing to difficult, as i'm the designated sweet tea brewer most of the time. i set about making the tea, and my wife tells me to use the glass dispensers we had been gifted for our wedding. this is where i made a series of stupid mistakes. the tea reached boiling point, so i took it off the stove and set it aside to steep for a few minutes. i left the kitchen to go to the bathroom, came back and forgot to pour ice in the dispenser. i also forgot that one of the two dispensers had a fine crack toward the bottom, near the nozzle. i poured the hot tea into the cracked dispenser, and heard a resounding crack! thinking i had bounced the pot off the rim, i stopped to check things out. deciding all was well, i filled the remainder of the dispenser with water and finally noticed a small puddle of tea forming around the bottom of the dispenser. realizing what had happened, i lifted the dispenser to move it into the sink and was soaked from the waist down in hot tea, flooding the counter, stove and floor in the process. the hairline crack near the nozzle had spread all the way around the bottom of the dispenser, so when i tried to move it, the bottom stayed put while the rest of the glass came free in my hands.

i poured hot tea into a giant cracked glass dispenser, broke the bottom off when i tried to move it and flooded my kitchen and soaked my pants in said tea.

pouring boiling hot tea into a cracked glass container

we ran out of wrapped candy, so all i had left was a bowl of candy corn. these kids just came by, and i put the candy corn in their bags, thinking nothing of it. then a parent came down with their kid. i just threw some in their bag, and the parent stopped me before i closed my door. he started yelling at me, asking if i was trying to poison his daughter. i stammered, "n-no! i'm not! it's halloween! i'm supposed to give out candy!" then he called me a smart-alec, and i saw him walking away with his daughter's bag in hand, picking out the candy corn. after i closed the door, i remembered whose stupid, "razors in your apples" suburban myths. glad i'm not in the hospital!

giving out unwrapped candy (corn) on halloween.

earlier today, i was playing pokemon x in my room when my big brother comes in and starts to trash talk my pokemon team. he was just joking, and we got to joke-trash-talking each other. we started wrestling. well, during the fight, i accidentally kneed him…. really, really hard… right in his… berries. o__o he spent the next fifteen minutes lying on my bed in pain. being a good little sister, i offered to let him kick me in the cooch or punch my boobs. he said he will… but he's not telling me when. now he keeps faking me out, acting like he's going to kick me and making me flinch. walking around the house is like a survival horror game. i fell down twice trying to avoid his fake vag kicks. it's nuts.

accidentally hit my big bro in his no-nos, and now i live in fear of retaliation. scariest halloween ever.

now my vagina is worried

...but i didn't know she was drunk. i woke up to a flurry of texts that were full of regret and apologies. i fell asleep the happiest person in the world, and woke up heartbroken. oh, and i work with her all the time. so there's that.

pouring my heart out to my crush while she was drunk...

it was new years eve and i was watching my step-father play a gig with kenny jones the drummer from the who and i had drunk about five ciders four glasses of champagne and a couple of beers and i also had a couple of joints but after drinking big mistake! when i got in his car (someone else driving not my step father) i noticed how bouncy it was and threw up in my mouth a bit and tried to swallow that which made it worse and i eventually threw up all over the back seat of the car and had to clean it all up but he still noticed.

vomiting over my step dads car.

i didn't remember it until he told me someone pissed in his parents linen basket. i just have a vague memory of pissing into something i shouldn't have at like 5 am and someone telling me i was in the wrong room. it was his mother. she refused to tell him who it was, luckily. i'll tell him when we're older and we'll laugh our asses off. i keep remembering it and cracking up cuz it's clearly hilarious. his mom was so nice to me this morning, she didn't say anything about it while i was living in blissful ignorance of this fact. anyway, that's my contribution, enjoy reddit.

pissing in my friends parents linen laundry basket while they watched.

no reset, not particularly gross either. just...painful and stupid. i was enjoying a slightly cooled coffee this morning when my very pregnant wife woke and asked for a tea. we were at the hospital overnight last night (all ok) and i'm in pretty rough shape. so i poured the boiling water into the mug, and returned the tea to the cupboard. turned around and took a swig of my coffee, and was instead greeted with 200+ degree water immediately scalding my lips, tongue and palate. so no poop. no vomit. but tifu.

drank from the wrong mug

i'm 22 and i went last night to a fairly new friend on a new year's eve party. it was around 9 pm as i arrived. and it didn't take a long time till 4 of us decided to play a little drinking game. the problem was, that there were only 3 shot glasses, so i used a normal glass with the ~half of the height of vodka. and it came as it has to: on 11:20 pm i sat in the kitchen completely drunken, vomiting my heart out. then they took me to the owners room and let me get some sleep. on 6 in the morning one of the guys called me that they moved on to another party and won't be at the house until afternoon, cause nobody is able to drive anymore. since i couldn't sleep on anyway, i brushed my teeth and went home (my flat is an hour by train away). in retrospect, i think the problem was the square in the cylinder volume formula that isn't balanced with half of the height.. (2r)^2 * pi * h >> r^2 * pi * 2h so long story short i acted like a 14 year old, vomited and overslept midnight and the rest of the new year's party.

getting completely drunken during new year's eve

my girlfriend and i were making toasts not more than half an hour ago. she toasted to "ass burps" and promptly farted. i figured i would go along with it, and did my best to force some gas. i shat. liquid. everywhere. on our sofa. she laughed. i cried. so i am sitting on my sofa, liquid shit everywhere, and a beautiful girl staring at my shit covered pants, sofa, and leg. good way to start the new year? best way.

shitting myself. during a toast.

so basically. it's new years. yay! i went out for the first time. i'm 20 and my folks let me go to my friend's house party which ended up being a total disaster due to someone inviting high school kids. okay so after new years i'm looking for poon meanwhile carefully making sure i don't go near jailbait. i finally found the girl. the house owner who's my best friend really will stick out for me no matter what happens so i said, "fck it." or as the kids say, "yolo." i talk to this girl downstairs and as it turns out she goes to a university close to mine. she was really cute but i began making up who i was because i didnt want her to know who i am. i said i'm 21 (i look really young, ugh) when i'm actually 20. i told her i'm a third year at this university when i'm a high school fuck up going to community college... and i played it smooth by taking her upstairs to my friend's guest room. by now i was saying i'm his step brother etc. she began to ask me for id. i refused to give it to her, excuses, more excuses, and ugh. it was bad. so i get on the bed thinking she'd follow my league, she doesnt, i try to nudge to get her to go, and i realized that by now she thinks i'm a lying creep. okay, i probably was acting like one but i was just trying to get it in. anyway, she pulls out her phone and goes downstairs. i knew it was over so i sat in the guest room in remorse. i made up so much stuff that i even told her my real name. i deactivated my facebook tonight in case she tries to search me up. i have a twitter but no say she'll find me, nor my tumblr, or instagram. i also told my friend (house owner) to never speak of this again. i feel as though i need to hide within the shadows.

i fucked up my first day of 2013 by making some girl think i'm a creep rapist.

so i'm at a friend's new years party

tifu trying to eat an apple. it was a crisp and firm apple and i began the initial bite with my hand pressing it against my upper teeth. suddenly, the apple gave way forcing my hand upwards with a simultaneous crunch and punch to my nose. to everyone else, i was in a fight, to reddit....i confess the truth.

taking an apple for granted

i just arrived at my best friend surprise birthday party/new years soirée and everyone fucking hates me. i walked in about 45 minutes later than everyone else and didn't really think it was necessary for me to call anyone about my late presence. i'm walking to the door and as i open it i almost shit my pants with the great surprise with shit loads of confetti and mariachis. as this happens greg (the birthday boy) drives up to his house with the door wide open with clearly over 30 people in it and 5 mexican mariachis dressed in white. to make a long story short, greg's girlfriend eternally hates me.

wasting the good surprise on myself.

so, let's go back in time, back when little ol' me was about six years old. .. it was near midnight and the house was quiet, save for the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the hallway. i was waddling my way into the bathroom; i think i had too much to drink at dinner, and now my juice had come to pass. so i pushed open the door and raised the toilet lid, which wasn't very far in retrospect (there was a towel draped across the tank). and in mid-stream, the inevitable came to pass... ***crash*** for those of you who figured it out earlier: you were correct. the toilet seat fell from it's unstable towel-perch and slammed down on my dick. i don't remember much of what happened later, aside from falling asleep on the way to the hospital to make sure my dick wasn't broken.

a toilet seat smashed my dick when i was six.**

taking a nighttime piss.

i used some of [this](http://www.amazon.com/unknown-daves-insanity-sauce/dp/b0007wuoum/ref=sr_1_4?ie=utf8&qid=1372962972&sr=8-4&keywords=dave%27s+insanity+sauce) stuff to give my tuna sandwich a little bit of a kick around an hour ago. come time for a trip to the bathroom prior to leaving for my shift, i discover that apparently still had some on my hands. unfortunately for me, my discovery came via my genitals lighting up like the vegas strip, burning up from that lovely capsaicin. ten minutes later, that stuff still stings like hell, and the start of work is going to be really awkward.

hot-sauce that can be used to strip the wax off your floors should be kept away from genitalia at all times.

getting dave's insanity sauce in my dick.

so it's 4th of july, and my extended family and i were enjoying the holiday by having a cookout and going swimming in my great-aunt's pool. now, i came out to her pool last week to go swimming; i got burnt pretty good, so now my skin was beginning to peel. long story short, i went to roll my sleeves up rather quickly and my dead skin managed to fly off my shoulder and directly onto the plate of my aunt. it was obvious she noticed, but i avoided eye contact immediately. she's pretty quiet, so she didn't speak up about my actions. but she said she wasn't hungry anymore right after, so i knew.

trying to get some sun while eating

so, i decided it was time to wash the sheets. i have dryer issues so by the time i was ready for bed i was still sheetless. i went downstairs to a closet where i keep a bunch of climbing gear and military gear and pulled an old sheet out of the bottom of the pile of shit that is that closet. yeah, the sheet seemed kind of dirty, but i was too tired to look at it closely. so i get into bed with the sheet over me and decide it's time for my nightly fap. i start noticing a little prickly feeling bout the time i start going for it. i convince myself that it's the sharp ends from the feathers in my bedtopper. those poke me a lot. it also kinda feel like something is crawling on my legs. i kept swatting at them and rubbing them together to make it stop but i continued fapping. maybe it was just pieces of grass that fell off some of my gear into the sheet and was poking me. either way it's uncomfortable so i'll be looking into it after i fap. but i continue fapping. finally i reach the big finish and jump out of bed to clean up. then i grab the sheet and pull it off the bed. in my bed i notice an ant writhing around, obviously wounded by my scratching or leg rubbing. then i notice another and another. then i scratch my ass and realize i'm scratching an ant bite. it's one of several. i picked about 8 ants out of the bed and i'm sure more were still in the sheet. wtf why re ants in a sheet? i don't know. i'll probably be inspecting that closet today. oh and to make things just a touch worse i was washing the sheets because my parents are coming into town and i wanted them to have a nice bed to sleep in. now they may sleep with ants. **

that's how you get ants.****

sleeping with multiple partners and they were all biters.

i know its not puking, shitting, or fucking my best friends sister, but damn it, its like someones sister raped me while shitting on my oatmeal. i just got a job after basically being homeless for a bit, and bumming around living with my girlfriend's parent, i got a job working for an awesome company. they have a 401k program, and trying to be a responsible adult i decide to sign up for it. the first sign up went bad, since not all my data was collected, and i got a call about it, so after 25 tries later, it went through. a solid 1% contribution to a roth ira, with semi-annual increases by 1% topping out at 6%. 50% going to the ira and the rest of that going to stocks/bonds/etc. that was two weeks ago. fast forward to today. no one's said anything about my 401k or paycheck, and let me tell you, i am hungry for that money. in the days leading up to payday, refreshing the page every 20 - 30 minutes, just waiting for it to show up pending. about 330 am hits, pay stub is in the system. i'm on it like white on rice. thinking of all the things i'm going to be able to do. *"i'ma pay rent, i'ma buy food at the actual grocery store, i'ma fuckin throw away all that ramen because* ***fuck ramen*** *... i got money."* of course, i'm already logged in and i look at the juicy details. *"gross pay, ~1000... nice... uncle sam gets 250, whateves... that leaves me with... ~300 dollars?* ***what?!****"* i look it over once more, a little more carefully. that 401k ira shows up on my check... 50% out. **bam**, thats it. ~600, just up and out of my hands. i have enough to pay rent, and then go buy ramen. as it turns out, that 50% i thought was for the ira was actually 50% of my check. i had an advisor walking me through the process, and he even said that was correct! *"50% is substantially enough for your ira."* what i understand now is he just jedi mind tricked me into investing way too much. fml, i fucked up. hard.

50% of first paycheck is waiting for me when i retire. i need to go stir my ramen.**

trying to plan for the future

i am interning over the summer at a marketing firm and our projects are mainly compiling presentations for startup companies to use for potential investors. so it's presentation day and we're all sitting in the main boardroom, the company taking notes as we go one by one. it was my turn to present so i hooked my laptop up to the projector, and opened a new tab to find my presentation. i accidentally opened the wrong browser so i exited to use safari, and the first tab open is a google search for 'can i get pregnant on my period', projected in huge font for the entire boardroom. then the little rainbow wheel came up so i had to wait for like ten seconds, frantically clicking and moving the mouse, until i could close the tab and open my presentation.

using google.

i work midnights at a gas station so i'm the only one there on most nights. meaning i cannot afford to be late or the person i'm replacing not only gets pissed off but can risk going over on hours (god forbidden the damn place pays them an extra dollar for not clocking out on time). while getting ready with about 10mins until i had to leave i had the need to shit. and i of course made the mistake of deciding to hold it until after work (hence why i'm posting here). luckily this is not a "i shit my pants" story, i was able to make it to work and a few hours in my shift with mild discomfort but no huge problems. it was around 3am and very slow (we stop selling beer at 1am so after that its dead). i decided now was the prefect time to take my shit. about 5mins into it i heard the door ring... fuck... it was the point of no return though, they could wait a few minutes. then i heard the dreaded "hello is anyone here?!" i quickly finished up and came out. it was my bosses 20yr old spoiled bitchy brat. fuck everything. she makes a hugeass deal out of it saying she was waiting for 10 minutes (which is bullshit) and that "my mother will hear about this". she's the kind of person that overreacts to everything and hopefully my manager will understand that... hopefully

didn't take a shit before work and manager's daughter came into store while i was shitting. made hugeass deal over waiting 5 minutes.

not wanting to be late for work.

ok, so i get this friend request in the mail for one of those odd social networks with weird names with double letters in unusual places. usually, i just ignore those, but this one was perfectly translated in my mother tongue which is not terribly common, so i got intrigued and clicked on a link... so, signup, blahblah, please let us contact to your gmail to see who else do you know, i say sure, and i got presented with a list titled "these 12 people are already here, link with them", except that item number 13 on the list was titled "other". i actually saw it with the corner of my eye before clicking "ok" but it was too late... aaarrgh, 500+ emails sent to all of my gmail contacts, 3/4 of them business, dozens of mailing lists, qthe works... luckily, not too many people at work said anything, but the day has just started...

one should know better after 20 years on the internetz, not to click on every shit.**

spamming my complete addressbook with friend requests for an odd social network

let's start off with a little background info. i'm a totally normal (as far as i know), 20 year old female. being single, i have my needs and really gotta (schlick? fap?) one out every day. i don't think i'm anything out-the-ass-hot but i have this thing where i really get off to my own homemade porn. i have an iphone so i just set up the camera, masturbate a little and then watch it as i masturbate again. i usually orgasm both times but really exaggerate it the first time for my future self, does that make sense? and i know, i know, sounds narcissistic, but hey a sister's gotta do what she's gotta do. so anyways i did the deed and got dressed for work. it's pretty hot here so as i got into my car i rolled my windows down and plugged my phone into my speakers and got ready to leave. suddenly my extremely attractive neighbor walked up to my car to say hi. we chatted for a bit and then i told him i had to be off for work. as we said goodbye i turned my car on. i had forgotten i had my volume on full blast from driving in the previous day (okay not full blast i'm not that annoying but still loud.) i wanted to seem cute by putting on some cool music as i drove away so i hit play on my phone. now if you don't have an iphone let me tell you if you hit play it will play whatever video or music you were last playing, youtube, pandora, ipod, homemade porn....whatever.) aaaanndd suddenly, there it was. in all it's sweet, sweet, dirty talking glory. my moans blasting out over my speakers nearly full volume. not just that but the sound of my vibrator vibin' my dirty talking, and the painfully awkward sounds of skin slapping together (my ass on the floor....) i started fumbling in a panic and dropped my phone on the passenger seat floor. so there i'm sitting as my neighbor just stares awkwardly at me through my open window as we listen to me climax. i just slammed the power button on my stereo system said "okay. well. bye." and drove off as fast as i could. i never want to see him again ever as long as i live. i hate everything.

playing my homemade porn to my neighbors.

this is actually a "five weeks ago i fucked up, but today was the realization." the small (really, really small) business i work for pays the government whatever sales tax we collect from customers monthly. every single month i fill out the same form, calculate what we owe them, write a check & send it off. it's common for us not to pay any sales tax (a lot of what we do is for other companies), and in those cases i fill out the form and send it off without a check. routine. well, in july i went on vacation for a couple weeks. i come back mid-week to a ton of stuff sitting on my desk. among the things to do, this week's bills have yet to be done, and last weeks bills were "paid" according to our system & bank account but weren't printed or sent off. worked like a madwoman to straighten things out and get the high priority stuff accomplished. things are under control. my boss was the one covering for me while i was out and gave me a dollar raise after the whole thing. nice guy. today i get an official notice in the mail. a serious, scary-looking one with a list of large numbers and words like **late penalty** and **accruing fine** in bold letters. we had just gotten a "you forgot to send us your ___ tax" letter in error so i go to my boss thinking it was related to that. nope. in my haste to get everything off of my desk last month i had simply filed the sales tax form instead of sending it off with no check (we owed $0 that month). worst part is, while we were still trying to figure out what was going on i said to my boss, the guy who *just gave me a raise*, "i was gone that week, it's all you." and giggled. /sigh so, one $50 check (that our company wasn't even supposed to give to the government) later, i feel terrible. i apologized, but i still feel terrible.

filing a form instead of mailing it

today i had a nice long list of errands to do including a drug test for a new job. planned out my route to ensure i didn't have to double back for any errands and would drink just enough fluids to make sure i could "perform on queue" and would not have to wait in the office. i took along my standard iced coffee and jug of water and started off at 10am with my first stop being the place of employment to pick up the drug paperwork. next stop, target. i had to "go" but decided to wait since i only had one other stop before the drug test. the time is now 10:55. next stop was lowe's, still need to go and thought, "screw it, the drug test is my next stop, i can wait.". finished at lowe's, the time is now 11:40. arrived at the drug test and i was ready to go! they finally call me and give me the directions and cup and cut me loose. sweet sweet relief. finish, wait why is the cup.... red? (oh god) being a drug test bathroom, i couldn't take anything in or out with me... so yeah, i had to go out and hand the male tech a cup of pink pee. i'm not sure which of us was more embarrassed, but he was nice and told me it happens more often than one would think. so the worst part was i needed to change my tampon and while changing, blood everywhere! it managed to get on my leg, shorts and flip flop. so here i am in near tears cleaning up a random public bathroom and i still have to go back and face this guy. needless to say i'm home, laundry is going, errands are not finished and i'm going to have a drink with lunch and probably not accept the job because i will never forget that drug test. so tifu by not peeing and changing my tampon before a drug test. oh, second tifu in one day. i asked my husband to proof read my run on sentences. he is currently laying down trying to not throw up and isn't speaking to me.

not peeing before a drug test...(kinda gross, sorry men)

i'm a blogger and associate editor for one of the big lgbt politics & culture blogs. yesterday i published a post about the hashtag #fuckcispeople trending on twitter, and it ended up being the last post of the day. now, our style guide says that we don't use "fuck" or "cunt" as the subject of posts, but i figured this would be a place where it made sense to make an exception, so the post title was ["a cis guy's perspective on #fuckcispeople"](http://www.bilerico.com/2013/08/a_cis_guys_perspective_on_fuckcispeople.php) what i *didn't* know was that the title of the last post of the day *becomes the title of the daily digest!* because "fuck" ended up in the email subject line, pretty much all of our daily digests landed in people's spam boxes, meaning that our opening traffic this morning was down **%67 off average.** and what's more, unless people manually mark as "not spam" our digests will keep landing there from here on out.

published a post at the end of the day with "fuck" in the title and landed our daily digest in everyone's spam boxes for the foreseeable future.**

cost the blog i write for %67 of its traffic

so i was there having an afternoon stroke, i finished up the job nicely as i've been away on holiday for 2 weeks the payload as to be expected was a lot larger than normal. so i finish up when all of a sudden i hear my mum coming upstairs so i quickly pull on my trousers and cover up in time she says someones at the door for me so i walk out and down to answer it and there's my friend we chat for a minute or so and he just keeps kind of looking down at me and i didn't think anything of it said i wasn't going to be out atm and went back inside... my mum took 1 look at me and went "i think you've got something on your trousers" i look down and there it was seeping through like oil in the ocean causing my light grey jeans to go darker in a little patch in the jizz affected area. instinctively i just went "oh shit" and ran off upstairs, never before have i been so embarrassed about something i haven't spoken to friend nor mother since and i'm dreading the conversation when it comes.

: my mum and friend saw my jizz patch in my jeans

answering the door

so first i have a little back story. i have a really bad habit of starring off into the distance and not realizing i am making eye contact with people. sometimes it's good, i can make some sexual eye contact with a cute guy if i notice him in time. this time was different. i was in the car with my mom (because i'm that cool) we used to go to this one restaurant, it changed into a bar with out us knowing. we were stopped at a red light for a really really long time. we were talking about the restaurant and that sort of thing. i wasn't looking at my mom i was looking at the bar. apparently i was making eye contact with this gentleman who i found (i guess i still find him attractive) attractive. he did the "sup" sexual head nod. that is when i noticed him, a split second before he nodded. i freaked the fuck out. since i am so socially graced (probably due to the hours a day i spend on reddit) that i decided that instead of nodding back and looking away or keeping eye contacted or the other options i had. i thought to myself "i made eye contacted with him. he can't be 100% sure i am real. i better duck." i then proceeded to duck down in the car. for most people that would have been weird enough right? wrong. i ended up hitting my head on the glove compartment on my way down. my window was open so he heard me scream "holy fuck!! i hit my head!! i was making eye contacted with the sexy guy and i didn't know and i ducked." right after i finished screaming in pain the light turned green and we drove away, just in time for me to see him hysterically laughing.

not noticing i was making eye contact

first, you need some background info. i am helping my dad scrap the siding on the house. we are selling it for a profit , and i am helping because i am getting paid. we have it bundled up in our driveway. some is in bundles, some are in boxes. anyway, i was walking through the driveway, thinking about life when my shorts caught on something. i thought it was a branch, but it was one of the boxes packed so tight with aluminum siding that it wouldn't be able to stuff more in that box, not even if you were stronger than mark henry. my shorts decided to snag the siding and pull it down. while it was on it, way down, it scraped against my leg, gouging out a one and a half inch long, quarter inch wide chunk of skin. i am sitting on my couch, waiting for the annoying stinging sensation to vacate from my leg.

wearing shorts

when your friends and the label on the bottle tell you not to put nair on your puss-puss, you'd better fucking listen. you will end up straddling the bathtub faucet, running cold water on the disaster area and crying. the hair didn’t even come off, but i'm just glad the skin is still there. i may as well have burned the fur off with a torch. now i'm lying in bed, pantsless, spread-eagle. i’m holding a cold washcloth over the area and sharing my embarrassing story while i wait for the flames to subside. i dread having to walk tomorrow. the moral is never put harsh chemicals on your vag!! or your nuts i guess if you're a dude!! it sounds obvious but i'm a dumbass and i hope i can save at least one private with my story.

nair'ed my most delicate area

i know this sub has a lot of poop stories, but fuck it, here's one more. also, fuck throwaways. so i haven't been eating properly for the past few days. you know, lots of fast food, lots of meat and potatoes, not much green vegetables. i usually poop very day, and recently, it's been getting increasingly difficult to get it out. i knew it was because of my eating habits, but for some reason, i didn't change them. i just kept saying "at least i'm not constipated," and continuing on eating junk. then yesterday happened. i felt the familiar lump in my nethers that means it's time to drop one. i drop trow and get on the turlet. from there, it went something like this: ok. here it comes... oh, you're a big one, aren't you? that's okay, i'll just give it a little push. hnngg.... hmm. hnnggg! ***hhnnnnggg*** shit. that's when i realized the folly of my ways. why, oh why didn't i prevent this extreme discomfort? i could have! okay, okay... no use dwelling on it. i need to get through this. i pushed more and harder. there were times when i swear it was moving, but as soon as i would let up on the pressure, this giant basturd would nestle right back in my colon! it was way too late to change my mind about going; the brick was not going back up at all. it was now or never. so i did something i have never done before and will never do again. i looked around my bathroom. i was in my less used second bathroom, so all that was in there was turlet paper, a hand towel, and a bottle of antibacterial soap. i looked at the soap. desperate times call for desperate measures. i pumped a bit of soap on my fingers. i worked it around between my fingers and thumb just a little. i reached behind me and felt around a little. i touched my butthole, but i didn't feel any poop. that was weird, because it felt like i had a giant rock hard turd hanging out. so i took a deep breath... and stuck a finger in. my butt was tight, but the soap helped lube it up so i could get in there. almost instantly, i felt the basturd. it felt like a die from a board game, except twice as big. i couldn't believe i was doing this. i was feeling around inside my own butthole for shit. i tried to wiggle the basturd loose, but it was stuck. so i went a little deeper, past the basturd, and felt even more shit! this shit was more than ready to come out, but the basturd was blocking the way! i had to get it out, but it still wasn't moving, so i stuck my thumb in there too. as of now, i had my index finger and my thumb inside my butt. it was terrible. i worked my thumb around one side of the basturd, and my finger around the other, and tried to wiggle it. it still refused to budge! so i braced myself and pulled. remember how i said it felt like a die? well, as it finally came out, i felt the corners of it popping past my circular rectum, and it dropped into the turlet. it was out! hallelujah! as soon as it came out, the rest of the shit train came barreling out behind it. i have never felt so good in my entire life. after i wiped, i tried to look for the basturd to see exactly what it looked like, and maybe take a picture, but it was gone. from that day forth, i have swore to never allow that to happen to me ever again! i will eat green vegetables every day, and even take colace capsules! my fingers still smell like poop, no matter how much i wash them.

allowed myself to become terribly constipated. ended up lubing my fingers up with soap, sticking them up my butt, and pulling the shit out. never again.

letting myself get constipated

i live in a small town with an over zealous police department. the kind of police that when a car gets pulled over for speeding the other two show up just to be in on the action. well while i exploring the 100 acres of woods behind our subdivision i found a hand gun. i immediately walked home, taking the gun with me and i called the police on my phone. the suv and two patrol cars rolled up with their lights flashing, and they came tripping out of their vehicles each trying to be the first to pick it up. (i had it on the ground as it was very dirty.) after inspecting it for a few minutes they report back to me that this is a air soft gun, and just looks realistic. next time if it doesn't have a clip it isn't a gun the officer tells me. desperately disappointed they mosey back to their cars to keep our streets safe. **edit** it was a good 2 miles out into wilderness, was metallic, a bit rusted and muddy. i would have left it but there are 50+ kids in our subdivision.

calling the police to report a gun i found out in the woods.

i love sunny d. it's sweeter than orange juice and reminds me of being a younger child. i decided to pick some up from the store, and i proceeded to drink it all in that day. (but not at one time) shortly after, i got awful stomach pains after i finished the jug and proceeded to throw up. i love sunny d soo much, that two or three weeks later i bought some more at the store, thinking the last time i drank it and got sick was from something unrelated, and proceeded it drink it all in the same day again. after everybody had went to sleep and i was laying in bed, the same awful stomach pains returned and i proceeded to violently throw up on the floor and my bed. **

** i love sunny d, but it's bad.

drinking sunny d.

my boyfriend and i were making salsa. i was cutting 6 fresh jalapenos. after i was done cutting all of them, my ear felt like it was on fire and i didn't know why so i went to take a nice cold shower. i was rubbing my eyes and my vagina and then all of a sudden my eyes and vagina felt like it was on fire too just like my ear was. i was wondering why this was happening and my first conclusion was the jalapenos. i freaked out and my boyfriend came in the bathroom. i was crying and i told him that my eyes and vagina were burning and that it was because of the jalapenos. he told me that i wasn't suppose to touch any part of my face or body after cutting jalapenos or hot peppers (this was my first time ever cutting jalapenos). so then my boyfriend looked up online to see how i could get rid of this burning sensation. he told me milk or dairy products would help so the whole time while i was showering with freezing water he was pouring milk on my face and vagina and he also used rice. after the burning sensation stopped i felt relieved but then later the tips of my fingers felt like they were on fire and i thought it would go away soon. after a couple of hours my fingers still felt like they were on fire and i started to worry so i googled why my fingers were burning and i found out that a lot of people have experienced this from cutting jalapenos or hot peppers and that it was most common allergic reaction. people have said that this burning sensation would last about 3 or 5 hours. nope my fingers stopped feeling this burning sensation after 18 hours. i only had 2 hours of sleep that night. i learned a lesson. so from now on im never cutting jalapenos ever again.

not learning the first rule of jalapenos

and i was messing around with it and i accidentally shot my roommate's 42 inch led tv. now it has a 1 inch white bars originating from the point of impact. roommate is pissed and i now have to pay a technician to estimate the cost of repair and possibly buy a brand new tv. to afford all these costs,i may have to sell some of my stuff. oh and did i forget to mention that tomorrow is my fucking birthday?

thinking that a loaded bb gun was empty.

i had just moved house to a lovely close knit neighbourhood and naturally had about a million boxes of crap to sort through. this morning i woke up, threw on my fluffy pink dressing gown and continued like i had done for the past few days, just sorting through junk from my old house. in one of the boxes though i stumbled across my darth vadar rollerblades i had as a kid. i’m a girl and they were given to me by my older brother but i didn’t care, it felt like i spent my entire childhood whizzing along down the streets at top speeds of 5mph, grazing my knees and flying into bushes. i got incredibly nostalgic and naturally i excitedly tried them on right then and there. they were a bit of a tight fit but they were adjustable so i managed to get to them on. i haven’t got any carpet laid down yet so there i was skating around my house going on a little nostalgia trip. it was magical. after about 10 minutes i figured i should take them off but why not just keep them on? i was certainly able to move things around quicker from room to room, plus it was pretty fun. i ended up 2 hours later sat in front of the tv with some alphabetti spaghetti, too lazy to bother taking the skates off… when i heard a knock at the back door. now here’s where i should mention how my house is laid out. i was in the lounge sat in the armchair with my back to the window. my house kind of curves around and so if someone is at the backdoor, they would be standing right next to that window. in my old neighbourhood i wasn’t used to people walking around to the back door unless they were friends. but this was a whole different place where people not only come round the back but walk into your house uninvited too as i had learned the few days previous when i nearly assaulted my poor elderly (albeit trespassing) neighbour who informed me that it’s just what people do here?! so here is where i am fucked. someone is at my back door (which is open – inviting to these friendly trespassing neighbours) and here i am – a woman in her mid 20's sat in a furry dressing gown at midday eating alphabetti spaghetti with darth vadar rollerblades on. the person can see through the window, they can see my head, they know i’m home. i can’t ignore them. it’s only a matter of time before they simply walk through the door and my bizarre recently adopted childish habits are revealed. ok, what are my options? i’m running out of time. i have to act fast. i looked down at my skates - both double tied with velcro and 4 straps. god damn these things would take way too long to remove. i had to consider my other options at this point. plan a. i can pretend to be a statue. if i stay really still they might think i’m a mannequin or something. but then if they come in they will see a woman in her mid 20's not only wearing rollerblades but also pretending to be a statue. plan b? i can pretend to be deaf. could work although i’d have to pretend to be deaf until i moved house which would require an awful lot of effort where i’d have to learn sign language to keep up appearances. i’m too lazy. next. plan c. man up? just man the fuck up, put down my plate of alphabetti spaghetti and skate over to that back door like i don’t give a fuck. could work. they might think i’m kooky and eccentric. it could become a humourus story among the neighbours about how carefree and hilarious i am. i could become elevated to high status within the community and all the old people would love me and bring me baked goods and i’d never have to buy an oven. or more likely they think i’m totally fucking weird and i become the outcast of the street and nobody would agree to take in my endless amazon orders while i’m out. as i’m scanning through increasingly bizarre solutions in my head i realise i’ve wasted too much time. “hello?” i hear a man say… from the kitchen. yes, the man has walked into the house and is now literally a few feet away from my feet. my plastic red and black wheel covered feet. so which option should i go for? a, b or c? i surprised myself and ended up going for a plan i didn’t know existed until i chose it. plan d. get up as fast as you can and skate the fuck out of there before he sees. i don’t know what stupid brain cell made me choose that option. as if i could fucking discreetly skate out of a room in which the man was now in the doorway, watching as a pink ball of fluff slams her skates across her hardwood floor to the other door into the next room in a desperate attempt to escape humiliation. there was no turning back now. he had seen. he had heard. he knew my secret and he knew i had tried to hide it from him. i couldn’t go back and face him now. it’s too late. it was over. i skated to the corner of the room and hid behind a box in vain hope he wouldn’t follow me in. he didn’t. instead he said “uhm… just wanted to welcome you to the neighbourhood…let me know if you need anything…” and left. and to add insult to injury, as i sat there among the boxes, deep with burning shame in my darth vadar life destroyers, he walked past the window and looked in and saw me. so... what am i gonna do about my amazon orders now?

found some old darth vadar roller skates, wore them, neighbour caught me roller skating away from him in deep shame.

getting nostalgic.

it's friday evening and i'm stuck in school in drama boosters. having finished my work i was re-reading some attack on titan manga while everyone got on with their work. since we were working in a different room that was adjacent to our normal room, you could just about see that the lights were on. my teacher questioned this, and me being the helpful guy i am told her i'd go and turn it off. i walk in without checking and right there in the middle of the room is my friend who was right in the middle of kissing his girlfriend. they freeze, i freeze. me being the socially awkward person i am, i mumble something about the lights and switch them off, leaving them in total darkness, then nope'd the fuck out of there, cheeks ablaze what makes it worse is that they're both really good friends of mine and are in the majority of my classes, to add insult to injury i came in later when his girlfriend had left to apologise but the words didn't seem to form. fuck. t if you're reading this, i'm so fucking sorry

i'm a major cockblock.

offering to turn off the lights

okay. today i was all excited about [this bad boy right here](http://pcpartpicker.com/part/sapphire-video-card-100354oc2l), ordered it, then looked in my pc case to see i do not have pcie 3 slots, i had pcie 2 slots. it won't work. i got mixed up because my motherboard has am3+ series cpu (which was why i bought it), and i guess i can't differentiate processors from graphics cards, or whats a 3 and what's a two. then, i try to cancel my order. nah. i have to cancel it via ups to get my refund from newegg. i call them to talk to a guy, and my cat knocks over my tarantula tank. fuck. i have to get that resituated, shower, and get to my theater by 11 am. fuuuuck. so yeah, gotta fuck around with ups, make sure my tarantula doesn't die, and get to my theater. anyone else fuck up $150 purchases like i just did?

ordering a graphics card, with cats, and time management.

last night for thanksgiving, my grandma wanted to make mini cheesecakes for dessert. now, everyone knows how terrible she is at cooking. it will be dry and burnt no matter what. i offer to help, which somehow turned into each of us making our own cheesecakes. i jokingly tell her that, "this is an iron chef competition now!". so i raise my cheesecake standard, a lot. made my own crust and filling with fresh raspberries sprinkled with sugar. then i swirled some chocolate on paper, let it cool and stuck it on top. my grandma used nilla wafers as crust and canned cherries. somehow i didn't realize then i went way over the top. everyone starts coming over for dessert, i tell them grandma and i had a baking competition and they have to judge (again, jokingly). so i look over at my grandma and there she is. staring me down. with her icy stare. my stupid mind doesn't process this as foot-in-mouth, oh no. instead i keep going on about this "funny" competition. i look over at my grandma again, finally getting through my skull that she's pissed and probably pretty hurt. i tried to compensate by eating three of hers, telling her how good they were, and how smart she was for using nilla wafers as a crust. i'm pretty damn sure she saw right through me. i left feeling like shit, with the whole scenario playing over and over again in my mind... fuck. also, i apologize for formatting. i'm on mobile right now and don't really know what the fuck i'm doing anyways.

having a baking "competition".

thanksgiving at the in-laws'. kids were playing hide and seek. i stepped into the closet and stripped down to my bra to change my shirt for dinner. when i left the closet, the kids were still looking for 16 year old nephew. found him in the closet that i was just in. edit: we are related by marriage, not blood.

i flashed my nephew.

changing my top in a closet where my 16 year old nephew was hiding.

so, basically, i was messing with my phone, and i found a setting. curiosity got me and i activated it, so now i can't do shit on my phone.

activating explore by touch

the teacher was explaining how girls are getting stoned in afghansitan, where i laughed because i thought of the other stoned, you know. she death stared me and i eventually had to explain why i laughed.

laughing after the teacher saying girls are getting stoned in afghanistan

so, yesterday i was quietly browsing at home, and well, the sudden urge to look at some /r/gonewild came up. i came across a post by the wonderful couple /u/testing78378 and [this superpost](http://www.reddit.com/r/amateurarchives/comments/1q6jwm/could_be_too_much_of_a_good_thing_mic/cd9oq0m) of theirs. so, i download the file, unzip it and decide to take a look at the pictures. so, on my mac, i firstly press (cmd+a), to mark all pictures, and then (cmd+o) to open all pictures. or actually, i didn't. i pressed (cmd+p) out of misstake, which is the shortcut for "print" instead of "open". the printque starts, and i realize that it's trying to print from the office printer, which is a network printer connected to the internet. i try my best to abort the print que and don't think more of it. until today, when i come in to the office. it's a small office (4 people working here.) somebody is printing a contract for a client, and picks upp the whole pile of papers in the printer. then comes back out of his office holding several nudes, asking who is printing porn at work. since it's a small office, and two of the ones working here are a married couple, the my boss kind of knows who printed the photos.

printing nudes on the printer at work

put a pot on the stove, high heat to boil. went up stairs to grab laundry. got sidetracked by the interwebs etc. came down an hour later and realized i'd forgot the pot of water on the kettle. realized it was ruined. picked it up to throw it out when a stream of molten metal went flying across the kitchen. landed on the counter and all over the floor. left huge scorch marks everywhere it landed. last year i overflowed the sink and wrecked the laminant floor and the basement roof. fuck me gently.

i spilt molten metal all over my (parents) kitchen

my nephew wanted me to teach him some tricks with the yoyo so i decided to show the most basic one of all walking the dog. upon trying this trick i hit myself in the nuts and then my 5 year old nephew learned a new word mother fucker i'm a shitload of trouble with my sister because her little boy won't stop saying mother fucker. tifu by trying to teach my nephew a new trick with a yoyo and instead him teaching brand new word.

by trying to teach my nephew how to use a yoyo

it's still thanksgiving in the us. but now i've woken up from something shameful. i'm studying abroad, and yesterday (thanksgiving) our abroad group had no classes and a group potluck feast. i got up bright and early to start preparing, also started drinking. long story short, i passed out two hours before the feast and woke up two and a half hours after it started. i sat up in bed shouting "shit, shit, shit," fretted for a few minutes, resolved to go anyway. i managed to cook half of the green beans before i passed out, so i brought them, and a bottle of sake too. i was still drunk and everyone could tell. i sat in the corner pigging out, ashamed of myself, consoled by my drunk friends and by the free beer.

drank too early, too quickly, arrived two and a half hours late to school sponsored thanksgiving, sauced and sour, with half a tray of green beans and a bottle of sake.

getting drunk on thanksgiving

well yesterday, i just remembered it. like a wee bit ago. so all semester we do these exams, like any college class. we take them in class, and they are 5 little short answers and then pick one of two essays. i have done fine in the class and enjoyed it. the topic was global protest, and this last test was over sncc. as a history major this was going to be easy. well, there is a reason i don't do online courses. i forget things when left to my own devices, but with a regimented class schedule i do a good job of getting things done when they need to. my other class is a must pass to graduate class, so i have been putting tons of work in the paper. ( on the "asian" as the "other" in american history.) i'm getting all my primary sources together and dr.seuss is one of them! that's awesome right? well with so much effort into the paper, and such, when i woke up wednesday, my brain focused totally on that, and forgot that my prof had posted the exam online. we had 24 hours to do it. so my last chance to turn it in was 9am this morning. i just realized i forgot about it till...... well 1:30am now. there goes 15% of my grade...............

totally spacing and forgetting to take a exam.

it's a bit of a long story, but bear with me. this thanksgiving, after my sister's persuasion, i decided to go to her family's house, since everyone else was going to be going there. i would be there all week, and i didn't want to leave my pet hamster, buddy, alone for the holidays, so i brought him with me all the way up to chilly montana. my sister's daughter (who is three) absolutely feel in love with buddy. she'd play with him, feed him, and hug him. she'd even asked me to bring his cage into her room, which i agreed so long as she never took him out unless there was an adult to watch. now, a few hours ago, she was put to bed while the rest of the family would be out in the family room, enjoying the later hours of this day of feasting. her room always got cold, and when the girl woke up to use the restroom, she looked over to see my hamster shivering. like any three year old with an astute concern for life, she decided it would be a good idea to warm buddy up by throwing him in the microwave. now this would be breaking the one rule i gave her, but she would see it as saving the poor hamster from the freezing temperatures of the house. so here i am, in the family room, far from the kitchen, when i hear a ***pop*** followed by a scream. the hamster exploded within 42 seconds of putting him in there. his blood, gore, and fur lined the window, with the bones jutting into the plastic frame of the microwave. i've spent to past few hours cleaning up his remains. my friends, never trust a young kid with your pets. rip buddy **edit:** fixed some minor things like "in-laws" and "sister's family" because i apparently forgot the damn difference.

my niece threw my hamster into the microwave and caused him to explode.

trusting a three year old with my hamster.

today i fucked up by leading my gf on about seeing her family today on thanksgiving. since we have a child together (8 months) we had to decide who's side of the family gets which holiday (turkey day/xmas). my side of the family gets to have today while her side gets xmas. basically what i did was not explicitly promise that we would get to visit her family after dinner tonight even though that they live about 75 miles away and it was nearly 7 when we left. i do admit that i could have been much more firm on my decision of not going but i was too nervous about upsetting her so never made a final decision until we were on the road. she is now giving me the cold shoulder and i have no idea what to do right now. i apologized earlier, telling her how i fucked up and should not have done what i did but i don't know what else i can do.

leading my gf on about seeing her family on thanksgiving

i picked up a shift to work tonight from 10 p.m. until 6 a.m. at a cafe near a pretty bustling mall. the original worker didn't want to work on black friday, so i picked it up to make some cash. she called me yesterday and tells me, "don't worry about working tomorrow, they are overstaffed so they won't need you." so i decide that i will make the two hour drive to my parents' house, only to receive a call from my boss asking why i wasn't there. the girl apparently misunderstood the staffing situation, and told me the opposite of what i'm supposed to do. now i'm probably facing some sort of disciplinary action from my work and there is nothing i can do to avoid it. fuck.

not showing up to work

last night, technically, but it happened at midnight, so... my dorm room's door lock is the push-in sort, so when it hits the wall with moderate force, it locks. imagine my surprise when after taking out my contacts and ready to call it a night that the knob isn't budging one bit. now normally, i'd go to my residence's front desk to get the spare to reopen my door *if it didn't close at like 10 pm or something*. that meant i had to walk all the way to another residence (10 minutes one-way) in the dark on somewhat dimly lit streets on a cold night. after putting my contacts back in (\*groan\*), i managed to borrow a down jacket from a roommate and huddled down to avoid making myself even sicker. that still didn't alleviate my fears of being mugged halfway there, as it has already happened somewhere near that stretch a few weeks back. i get to the other residence and almost had a heart attack when i discovered the housing office is closed. thankfully, it turns out the keys are in the commons block and i get asked a few personal questions as my wallet containing my id was up in my room, trapped behind an unyielding shitty lock. anywho, i get back at around 12:20ish, fall into my bed and wake a few hours later to go to my 8 am course.

locking myself out

throwaway where nescesary. today i decided to go fuck around in my moms car in the snow, i overdrifted and took out a stop sign before rapidly jamming drive and reverse to get away. the sign fell out from under the car a bit later and i drove it home to go tell my mom. i feel like the biggest fuck up ever and i really dont want anyone to know that im such a dumbass. i told her id pay for it but i still cannot believe my stupidity. has anyone else done anything of this sort?

crashing my moms new cadillac

friday night. i was on a good bit of lean and whiskey at this folk concert in new orleans. my buddy had been singing that song "can i smell yo dick" as we were walking to the show (this will become important later). the show was pretty good, the band was [rising appalachia](https://soundcloud.com/risingappalachia), they are from here, so they were taking there time, telling stories, just being very interactive with the crowd. about halfway through the show my friend decided to spark up another round of smell yo dick. i sing along with him. the two girls next to me start singing it really loudly. next thing i know, about 6 or 7 of us are all singing "can i smell yo dick" really loudly over and over again. all of a sudden, i hear the loudest shooshing noise coming from the stage. i guess the ladies were trying to sing some hymm at the time and instead of getting quiet they heard us. overall it was kind of embarrassing but def something i laugh about when i look back. [for those of you who aren't familiar](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aycebc)

singing along

now, this may cause some transatlantic confusion, but faggots is the name of a popular dish where i'm from - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/faggot_(food) anyway, last week i bought a pack of mr brain's frozen pork faggots (along with some marrowfat peas, of course), and as i have thursday (today at the time of writing) completely off from uni, i was going to have them as a little treat. here's a picture - http://uk-img1.ciao.com/iuk/images/products/normal/376/product-5303376.jpg unfortunately they take a good while to cook in the oven, so i preheat it for 10 minutes and then put them in for 45 (as per the cooking instructions). i live in a three storey house (not that big, it's actually quite narrow) with some other students, and was upstairs in my bedroom as my food was cooking. i had heard good things about bob's burgers, so i was watching the first few episodes when the smell started to waft from my dreams and into my nostrils. i ran downstairs and, thinking i was alone in the house, shouted "mmm-mmm! it sure smells like faggots in here!" my housemate was sitting on the sofa. his spanish boyfriend was in the kitchen. now, i have nothing against homosexuality. if two consenting adults want to do the moist macarena, then i don't really care about the configuration. my housemate (from that london), although initially horrified, understood the misunderstanding. the spaniard, however, went ballistic. they are a fast talking people when relaxed, so you can imagine the speed at which he was undoubtedly spreading half-truths about my mother. one of the few spanish words i know is 'puta', so i understood, like, 30% of what he was all up in my face about. eventually, my housemate managed to calm him down, but the spanish stink-eye is a terrifying thing to suffer. edit: i was robbed of fuck up of the week. robbed!!! http://i.imgur.com/ys1ovpa.gif

setting my oven for 45 minutes, and the gay rights movement back 50 years.

so, i needed to work on an assignment for my physics class, but i knew that the doors were already locked since it was 1 in the morning. i knew that my friends card would unlock the doors, so i went to his house and took it (he was gone at the time.) i went to campus, unlocked the doors, and was just sitting down when the alarm went off. i left the building, looked for anyone who might see me, and then left when i saw that the coast was clear. i saw a security car driving up while i was leaving campus, and could hear the alarm blaring all the way to my car. i returned my friend's card, but since it records who swipes in, he is going to find out. i don't know what i did to set off the alarm, but i don't see how it could have been someone else. i guess i just get to wait for the fallout now...

taking my friend's security card to get into a locked building on campus, and then setting off the fire alarm.

so today i decided for the first time to try to shave my pubic hair. i hadn't shaved it before, so the hairs were quite long. i tried going for it with the razor, but it wasn't working too well because the long hairs would get stuck in the blade. i decided to get some scissors and trim down the hairs first. when i trimmed them, i would pull them taught to avoid cutting myself. all was going well until i decided to get to the hairs on my scrotum. after a few snips i suddenly felt a stinging pain in my ballsack. when i first looked down i didn't see blood, so i thought i was okay. i pulled away the hairs to dispose of them and attached to one i saw a little piece of flesh stuck onto the end. i looked down and then saw that i had started bleeding. it took about 10 minutes to get the bleeding to stop, but i'm okay now. it wasn't too deep, it was just really painful, as well as terrifying knowing that i had just cut off some of my scrotum.

i was trimming my pubic hair and accidentally cut off a small piece of my scrotum.

accidentally cutting off part of my scrotum with a pair of scissors. [nsfw]

okay to preface, this actually happened a little bit ago, but nonetheless is a great account of the accidents that happen when you work in a warehouse. so, one day at work i was lugging around my scanner, they are these fat ancient things called geminis. they are overly bulky, probably weighing a bit over a pound. i have to walk with this thing in my arms for 10-12 hours a day, so at times, you will drop your scanner, your elbow will cramp up, or something else that happens when you do repetitive motion with a light weighted object. well one day while working i had to load some product into a tote to go off to shipping. normal daily stuff for a picker. so i dropped what must have been 20 pounds of books into the tote with the scanner in my hand. when i did this my arm recoiled back up and into my face. i saw fucking black spots for a second like what normally happens when you hit your nose...but i didn't just hit my nose. i hit my lip. i get that taste of blood in my mouth, the special one that only happens when you get teeth drilled or you fuck your mouth up bad. i take my hand and press it to my lips when i pull my hand back i look at my glove, and yep...there's a shit ton of blood. i take my glove off as to not alert hr to my tremendous idocy, i tuck in my bottom lip, i walk to the bathroom after unloading tote, look into the mirror, and find a pool of blood dripping out my mouth. i kept blotting my face, like it would help, i managed to get it cleaned up enough to see my bottom lip went straight into my teeth. a split line remained. i hide in stall, manage to get the bleeding down to a reasonable level and head off to lunch. i show my best friend who worked there and two words came out of his mouth "dumb ass". i decided to walk off with my tail between my legs, ask for the second half of the day off from hr, they gave it to me, i didn't give a reason. i now have a permanent scar of the line of my teeth on my bottom lip.

i used to be a picker like you until i took a gemini to the face.

taking a gemini scanner to the face

as part of my class activities, we all went trekking: 1. we all had to walk 5+ miles with these painfully heavy backpacks, and it was boiling hot. 2. i started crying whilst carrying the heavy backpack, looking like a weakling. 3. the whole class got annoyed with me because i was too weak to trek with that heavy piece of shit backpack. 5. when we finally reached our second camp... i forgot to pack any food. so i had to live off boiled sweets and crisps whilst everyone munched their plump potatoes, peas and juicy sausages. i was starving. 6. on the second day, i got soaked to the skin when it rained, i didn't change my clothes and fell asleep, outside in a tent, when it was freezing cold. i could've caught hypothermia. 7. i got dehydrated and vomited. am i glad to be home now.

everything.

so yesterday, i had an essay due for my english class. naturally, i worked on it the morning it was due, emailed the progress to myself and decided to finish it during my class break. so during my class break i head to the computer lab and i'm all inspired to write, i polish my final draft, it's a beautiful analysis of carls jr commercials, works cited is actually completed and done perfectly in mla format. it's the best thing i've ever written, the conclusion is brilliant, i'm so proud of it. so it's about 5 minutes before my class starts, i hit ctrl+s about 5 times like a paranoid parrot, and i close the word document file thinking it's gotta be saved somewhere. so my plan is to email it to myself, so i can quickly go and add money to print card, then come back and print it. well, as soon as i close it i get a bad feeling. i try to do the attachment and i can't find it. i go through every folder frantically searching for my masterpiece. nothing. i open up word to see if i can pull up some "recent" files. empty. i panic, go over to the help desk almost in tears and the guy isn't able to help me out. i end up spending my english class time re-writing it from the draft i emailed myself that morning, but it just wasn't the same.... to top it off, when i got to my car that evening, i realized that my usb drive (to which i saved my second final draft to and to which my keys are attached to) was somewhere in the computer lab. luckily, when i went back 3 hours later, they were still stuck in the computer.

didn't properly save a masterpiece, re-wrote it as shit.

deleting my final draft 2 minutes before it was due.

the only problem is that my lab isn't at 9:30. it's at 12:30. the ta has been grading my stuff and putting it in the other guy's box all semester and thought i just wanted to get my shit done early. the rest of the class thought this was hilarious (which it is). i've never met my actual ta.

going to my 9:30 lab

this woman is nearly 40, i'm 18. she's a friend of my boyfriend's family, she drove him to the hospital once when he busted his face open when he was 7. she also happens to work with me. now, i'm sure most of you have seen or heard of that video going around about beyonce being satanist. well, she shared it on facebook and i hate seeing people fall for stupid lies, so i watched it and listed some of the things that were incorrect in the video. she didn't like that. she posted on my wall something about how everything i post on fb is not good, and since she's had problems with my statuses before (she went around at work telling anyone who would listen how rude i am) i replied that that was fine and it was probably for the best. a friend of mine commented "you only think her posts are not good because you disagree with most of them". that made her mad at me for some reason. she sent me a long message about how rude i am, how i only think the video is wrong because i'm atheist and i need to stop pushing my beliefs onto people (never once did i say anything about god, satan, atheism, or anything about any religion being false, nor have i ever talked to her about my religious beliefs). she called me a "smart ass little know it all" and told me that she had no time for my "childish finger pointing" (never said anything about her either, only corrected the false "facts" in the video). this woman is twice my age and starting stupid drama over meaningless things. i'm not worried about her trying to make my boyfriend break up with me, he wouldn't over something like that and he agrees with me about the video. i'm just a bit peeved because she might try to start something with me the next time we work together or something. she's not very smart so i guess she thinks she can intimidate me because of her age, i don't want trouble but i won't let her talk down to me. i need to learn to pick my battles... edit: someone requested to see the message, i should've posted it originally, sorry. i also apologize for the shitty quality and such, my phone and computer don't get along, and i have no internet on my computer right now. http://imgur.com/2n87juj http://imgur.com/ryhndci http://imgur.com/tthskof

made a middle-aged woman with elementary school mental capabilities mad, even though i still have to deal with her on a regular basis.

pissing off a friend of my boyfriend's family

a cold morning in london, i was up with the lark, had a shower and decided to wear a light top under a sweater for work. said top was on a heater drying overnight after being laundered yesterday. it was also being pissed on by either of my two male cats - on the left sleeve. i was in a bit of rush so didn't notice at all either then or on the way into work - the offending item of clothing was under layers of sweater and coat which masked the smell very effectively. only when i sat at my desk in a warm office did the offending reek first start to make itself known. jesus, the stench. have now washed the sleeve and am sitting working wet-sleeved and miserable.

wearing clothing drenched in cat piss.

today i was browsing on reddit, when i got the urge to sneeze. little did i know the disaster that was coming. as i braced for impact, i sneezed; but oh, this wasn't just any sneeze. i farted at the same time and i realized a couple seconds later that i had shit my pants. today was probably the worst day i have ever had so far.

shitting my pants,

i sharted on my hotel sheets today. they were white of course. thought i just needed to fart but i was wrong. i sleep commando so there was nothing between me and the white hotel sheets. i jumped out of bed as soon as it happened but it was too late. cleaned the sheets as much as i could but it is obvious that i made a mess. i’m so freaking embarrassed. the sheets look a little like someone had a period on them so i am hoping they think that instead….and don’t notice they smell like crap.

sharting on my hotel sheets

last night i was feeling pretty lazy about dinner so i figured i'd keep it simple and make a sandwich. it wasn't until i was cleaning up the kitchen after eating that i noticed these large mold spots and condensation inside the bag of bread i just used. the bread had an expiration date of about half a month ago. i hadn't seen any mold on the bread i used so i figured i'd be fine. cue 3am wake up call via lower intestine. the next 3 hours were spent in the bathroom vacating everything within my system.

i need to go the grocery store more often**

eating moldy bread

at the end of one of my connecting flights, in a rush to make it to my next connection, i pulled my suitcase from the overhead bin without looking behind me. not only did i underestimate the weight of my obnoxiously large carry-on, but i dropped that carry-on right onto a toddler's little head. i don't even remember how many apologies i stuttered to the family, but that mom was pissed. i mean, death glares galore. poor baby didn't even cry, he was so startled. i bet there's a special place in hell for suitcase-swinging-toddler-hitters like me. seriously, kid, i'm sorry.

hitting a baby in the face with my suitcase.