Datasets:

reddit_tifu

like 5

so i woke up with diarrhea and stomacheaches. i'm laying in bed and decide to watch tv being that its october and almost halloween there's a lot of scary movies on. well one of the jump scares actually made me jump and that motion caused me to spew "mud" all up my back down my legs a little on my balls a good puddle on my bed and a trail of "mud" from my bed the the toilet. as i was in a hurry i didn't shut the door so my mom walked by to check on me and she got a good look right at my junk all she said before walking away awkwardly was "it's cold" i don't know which is worse!?! edit: typos, added tl;dr

watched scary movie shit my pants mom says penis is small.

watched friday the 13th while i have diarrhea

well this was actually on saturday night but it is still fucking me up today lol but here it goes: i was at a halloween party where i have gone to the past couple years and randomly go there for parties throughout the year. my night was going grand and dandy, talking to the girl i have a crush on, and getting steadily fucked up. but my buddy had brought along some apple pie moonshine that was delicious. i'm known for not being able to handle my alcohol sometimes so i knew that the shine was not in my favor. anyways, there were some tough guys starting stuff with people, didn't have halloween costumes on, and were black. i'm not normally a racist individual, but something that night made me racist lol. i walk up, (keep in mind that i dressed up in a penguin costume) they all start saying shit and i grow the biggest pair of testicles and say "shut up, nigger!" and slap one of them in the face. also keep in mind i'm not a very big dude (5'9" 135lbs). they rage in anger and follow me outside and i proceed to get jumped by 3 giant black dudes. i woke up the next day and couldn't remember anything about it and my clothes were completely covered in blood.

don't drink moonshine.

getting too drunk and trying to fight people.

so i'm an idiot. there's this girl that lives across the hall from me that often makes me partake in activities with her. i try not to give in too much but i'm a moron and so when she invites me to partake in long, four hour activities riddled with social interaction i say: fuck the essay i have due to tomorrow, i'll just take a gigantic swig of whiskey so i can deal with my social anxiety and enjoy the next little while. by the time i'm done with the activity i'm ready to work again, but regrettably i'm still drunk (because i'm a fucking moron) and i'm seriously lacking in time. so what do i do? fill my body with more harmful liquids! i went out and bought a lot of red bull. in the past 12 hours i've consumed 7 red bulls and a 5 hour energy thing. i'm pretty sure the essay i've just written is completely incomprehensible but i can't tell because my mind is too fucked to recognize what does and does not make sense. like how can i be so stupid? want to know what i did yesterday morning instead of writing my essay? i'll show you: http://i.imgur.com/josbp6j.jpg i added random games to my steam library and found or created tiles for them so i could look at my games in grid view and admire how pretty they were. i must be a new breed of moron. so now i'm sitting here in the dark with my heart beating fast enough that i can actually hear it. my essay is due in about six hours from now and i can't go to sleep to refresh my mind because i'm too hopped up on caffeine and i can't write for shit because i'm going to have the mental capacity and literacy skills of a chain smoking toddler until i get some rest. hell i bet even the stuff i'm writing *right now* doesn't make sense. i can't tell if the pains in my chest are stress related or if my heart is just getting ready to give out. oh well, i guess i earned this. maybe i'll do some jumping jacks and help the little sucker out. would certainly solve *one* of my problems. **update:** so i fell on my bed and prayed for about 20 minutes. i'm not the religious type but i basically said i'd do volunteer work if the g man delivered me through the day unscathed. i lay down to try and nap and i kept getting graphic sexual images in my head and i was totally convinced it was god testing me. i still have faith that he will help me because those were some seriously graphic images and my member remains unwanked. so anyway i just woke up with 3 hours until my essay is due. my kidney hurts, my tongue feels like a cheese grater and my mouth tastes uncannily like my own blood. yes, my essay is pretty retarded. i appear to have started paragraphs and then gotten frustrated at myself before mashing enter until i didn't have to look at them anymore so i have lots of useless crap at my disposal... also my word count is therefore a total lie. still not a good day, friends. **update2:** oh god my neighbor is texting me, talking about how she didn't want to be up all night worrying about me. she says she *likes me* but my lack of maturity regarding my work and liberal consumption of alcohol and energy drinks (further adding to my immaturity) is what kills her interest. i don't even want her to like me. what the shit. **update3:** sitting in lecture right near the front. the energy drink shits are brewing vigorously. i'm not gonna make it until the end and i'm worried if i get up and leave my prof will make a comment and everyone will look at me and i'll shit myself in fear. i can't even pay attention to what he's saying. why am i even here? **update4:** i'm going to do a final update for those still lingering. i just slept for 14 hours, right through all my classes. the girl professed her affections for me... no idea why. i'm going to say i've learned my lesson but i don't believe for a second that this will be my last fuck up. look forward to sharing my failures in the future.

heart attack inc.**

consuming the wrong things at the wrong times all the damn time.

been lurking this sub about as long as i've been on reddit, finally made an account and then decided to contribute. i never really thought i had a fuckup bad enough to warrant putting up, but i thought about it for a while and this one qualifies i think. this happened when i was a freshman in high school so about 8 years ago now. when i was a freshman i was in jrotc (junior reserve officers' training corps) and every wednesday we had to wear our uniforms to school, we would have a dress inspection, the whole shebang. during the colder months we would wear our full class a's with the jacket. our inspections required a white undershirt and black socks specifically, and i only had a couple white t-shirts of the type that we needed. sometimes i would just throw on a wrinkled one just because i didn't have a fresh clean one ready. you can probably start to see where this is going. now, at the time, i had these two cats, and they were good cats but sometimes they could be real pricks. they would piss on piles of laundry (especially if it was fresh, sitting on top of the washer folded, even) for no reason most of the time, and especially when they were agitated about something. they were sneaky bastards too, for obvious reasons, so we never caught them in the act. my cat in particular was an expert at opening the doors in my house so he would get in my shit and fucking piss on it. so it's a wednesday, i wake up and quickly take a shower, start putting on my uniform and getting ready for the day. i am looking around for a white t-shirt and the only one i see is a wrinkled ball of white sitting on my dirty laundry hamper where i had tossed it a week before. i grab it, throw it on, put on my dress shirt, my tie, my jacket and run out the door to catch the bus. sitting on the bus i am already getting faint whiffs of piss odor, but i don't dwell on it. the connection hadn't been made yet. i had phys ed 4th period of the day, jrotc 5th. throughout the day i had these inklings of something that stank, but my stupid brain doesn't associate it to me. occasionally i can tell other people are aware of it and are seeking the source as well, but still i am oblivious. it isn't until phys ed that i realize my mistake. half the day had already passed. the worst part, in my opinion, is that i didn't realize it until i had come back to the locker room from pe. i had changed entirely out of my uniform into a different shirt and shorts. it wasn't until i was putting my uniform back on, when i threw on the white shirt and tucked it into my pants as i pulled them up, that my friend in pe who was changing nearby looked up and said, "dude!!" and started laughing... my other friend looked up and started laughing as well... the smell was suddenly so obvious to me, i couldn't believe i hadn't noticed it earlier. i looked down and my shirt was covered with dry cat piss all over the right shoulder and chest, underarm... it was horrible. i ripped it off and threw it to the floor as my friends died of laughter. no one else in the locker room seemed to notice what was happening so that was good, and i quickly retreated to the lost and found bin and found an oversized white shirt i could use that had the added advantage of not being covered in piss. i wonder how many people knew that it was me that stank of piss, or that it was in fact piss. i wondered if they could see it. most likely. i managed to live that down and at least i didn't go to inspection with a piss-soaked shirt on, but that was probably my biggest fuckup ever. and i was just a freshman, i had to work hard to bury that and not have the fucking worst high school experience ever. anyways that's my story, thanks for reading folks.

went to school for 3 periods with a piss-soaked undershirt on, realized in phys ed, got a lot of shit for it.

wearing a piss-soaked undershirt for 3 hours

so essentially, my girlfriend had her friend over last night (12/31/12) to celebrate new years. fun times were had by all. before the friend went to bed, she got a glass of water and set it beside the desk. now let's get all wibbly wobbly timey-wimey. my gf got a used desktop in exchange for baby-sitting for her bosses, and she's been promised this one for a while but they just finally got around to it. so i've been doing work on it like wiping the drive, and i was going to swap my old parts in there. hp listed the case as atx when it was micro-atx, so for now she was stuck with what it came with. i tried re-installing windows 7 and just won't fucking do it. the previous owner swapped the sata drive with a ata drive connected to a raid ide pci card. for those not computer savvy, these things are condensed evil. so today after the friend left, i was semi-successful using a side-loader for windows to install but it never booted. so i said fuck it, ubuntu live cd for now until the new sata drive arrives. she played with it and had fun, then set the computer to sleep. now, our old cat was being more playful than usual. earlier when he was in my lap, i set my leatherman on my desk and out of nowhere the cat just does this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=b_mvb-g1v1i#t=8s with it. so i place the cat somewhere else. fast forward to 1:30 am. i'm setting up dd-wrt on a router for a wireless bridge for my ps3. the cat wants to be in my lap, but i'm sitting in my chair by my desk, with a laptop on my lap and a router on the other chair. so the cat decides to jump onto my girlfriend's desk and **clack** *splash*. the cat knocked over the cup of water. you wanna know something about hp media centers? they have this neat tower setup where the top compartment has a dvd storage thingy that slides. this was open. this leads inside the case. oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck get the towels i switch off the power immediately and unplug the computer and tilt it strategically. and now i play the waiting game to see if my girlfriend's computer was ruined by the cat. i have hope because before the power was shut off, the computer didn't have any smoke, no sparks, and the front power button was doing the glowing amber low power sleep mode slow flashing. besides, all she needs is an atx case and a power supply for her new computer if this one is busted. at ^least ^^i ^^^didn't ^^^^shit ^^^^^myself

new years eve hangover prevention + cat + hp case design = possibly dead computer**

today my cat fucked up

ok, so the heat in my house is provided by a wood burning stove. today i was lazy and didn't want to make a fire so i decided to plug in my space heater. apparently i have too many things plugged into the same power line and when i turned it on, the circuit breaker would flip (a new project for the future). so i picked the next best outlet, the one that my fluorescent lights are plugged into. after realizing that i had to have the switch to the outlet on in order to have my space heater on, i figured all i needed to do was give the bulbs a half a turn to break the circuit and i could sleep in darkness. i start to slowly twist the first bulb waiting for the satisfying click, but was dumbfounded that it didn't rest into a designated slot. either way the bulb wasn't moving and was off. i started to twist the 2nd bulb. still wondering why the light didn't have a specific way to turn it off without a switch. eventually i get to a point where i start thinking "i should really be doing this in the center and with 2 hands, just in case it falls out.." as soon as i finish that sentence in my head, the bulb pops out and hits the corner of my shelf, shattering into a million tiny pieces. shards are now littering my bed and surrounding carpet. it was at that moment i realize, the whole light fixture is plugged in and i could have just simply unplugged it... i'm sleeping on the couch tonight and i'll clean it in the morning..

i broke a fluorescent light over my bed and now my blankets want to kill me.

forgetting how to unplug a light

first off, let me explain the situation i am living with right now. i have a family friend living with me, he has aids, hep c, and some type of kidney cancer, all from homosexual intercourse. he is very poor (can't find a job that will hire him with those diseases, he used to be a hair stylist.) anyway, he is living with us because he can't afford rent, he has been doing this for the past year. so he is sleeping in my computer room, and often times, i forget he is even there. this is why i fucked up. i was playing some counterstrike on a very competitive server. of course, since i am trash at all video games, i was losing, hard. so as any other normal person would do, i would criticize the other players, (by criticize i mean scream very rude and insulting things over the mic, be it threats, encouragement for suicide, or calling the person gay in some form.) so as all this was going on i did not notice he was in the bed behind me. eventually, after what seemed like hours, the map ended and i stopped playing. i turned around and i saw him, this was probably the most awkward situation i have ever been in, even more so than the time i was getting kissed from a big group of special needs children. anyway, i start going off with every apology i know, he is sitting there crying, with laughter. i still feel terrible. ya, tifu edit:grammar and spelling

i was screaming gay insults over the mic when i had a gay dude right behind me

because i was screaming gay insults towards people playing counter strike.

it started off like any other day; wake up, get my clothes on, brush my teeth, head out. the rest of my day was relatively average up until the time i got home. my mom asked me if i could paint my sister's old room so that it would cover of the awful design and ungodly amounts of blood on the walls. (another story for another time) now i'm not normally a guy who does anything even remotely related to interior design or home decorating or whatever you want to call the shit that makes your home look pretty, but i figured painting a little 10x10 room shouldn't be too hard. i got all my paint tools and whatnot, put some paint in the pan and started rollin' my roller from wall to wall. i didn't stop to think that maybe, with what seems to be the strongest smelling paint in all paintdom, i should have some kind of clean air flowing through this tiny ass room. an hour rolls by and i start to think something may be wrong when i realize i'm basically lying down painting sideways and giggling like a giddy schoolgirl. this is where i begin to understand where i fucked up. i'm more light headed than a heroin addict sucking up helium and can't manage to walk in a straight line to save my life. not only that, but i managed to get paint everywhere and i mean everywhere. my arms, my hands, the walls, the back of the cat's head, it was bad. the paint won't come off either, and there's no paint thinner or anything around. so here i am, halfway on my high horse when two people decide to show up. my father, who has a "i hate everyone and i don't give a damn." attitude, and my mother who despises anything that reminds here of drugs. when they get home is when the fun starts. my mom freaks out asking if i'm using her house as a hideaway hole for nefarious drug purposes and starts lecturing me about how "drugs are bad mmkay." she finally stops talking and i get a chance to ask my dad how to get paint off of me without paint thinner, but it doesn't exactly come out right and i don't remember exactly what i said but his response was "gasoline". i told myself "this can't possibly have any negative repercussions" and grabbed the gas can from the garage and essentially took a bath. did i mention my father is an asshole with a twisted sense of humor? he came outside and started clicking a damn lighter at me saying "hope it don't catch!" so here i sit, still feeling the paint killing my brain cells at a steady pace and praying i'll wake up in the morning.

painted a tiniest of tiny rooms with a paint that had the smelliest of smells and managed to get high off my ass and almost lit on fire.

not opening a window

**this is really long - you might just want to skip to the tl;dr** so yesterday by 9:30 i was really tired and decided to get ready for bed (normally i go to bed 11 or later). i think i probably fell asleep a little after 10 but randomly woke up around 1am and couldn't fall back to sleep. at 2:05 i decided to just get up and do stuff because it was clear i wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. got on my laptop, played some dishonored, went on reddit (have you read [the story of her holding an orange](http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/10nadn/i_am_a_grown_logical_man_crying_tears_of_horror/)? it's quite good), whatever. i have class at 8:30 on mondays, so i usually get up around 7:30 - time enough to shower, pack up my stuff, and grab a quick breakfast - but since i was already up i took my shower around 6:30, moseyed around reddit a little longer, and then went and chatted with people in the student center until the caf opened at 7:30. when it opened, i found some friends to sit with and made myself a nice bowl of generic froot loops and a cup of this french vanilla coffee their cappuccino machine hacks up - i only drink the kind of coffee that is a disgrace to the name of coffee, you see. normally this stuff is pretty good, albeit rich, but today it was sort of weird. i ignored it, though, because i was already five or six hours into a 3-hour-sleep day. i had two cups at breakfast and then a big mug throughout my first class to make sure i stayed awake. (caffeine wears off pretty fast for me but as long as i can pick it up and take another sip i'll keep going.) when i got out of class around 9:40, i finished off the dregs and went to the bathroom to rinse out my mug and take a dump. usually i hardly have to wipe and don't drop a deuce more than once a day - less, if anything. this one was a bit softer than usual, but not too much, and it was a big'un, so i figured that'd keep my colon happy for a while. i went to my next class and took a test (c++, ooh boy) and then walked back to my room and nap. my roommate decided to make me go to lunch/elevensies with him instead of sleep, but i just had water because i had a stomacheache starting to get bad. halfway back to our room i realized i probably just hadn't eaten enough for the time i'd been up (it was about 11:15) and the amount of coffee i'd had. when we got there, i felt a need to go to the super bowl and drop trou again - twice in under two hours, a big warning sign for me - and this time the product of my labors was smaller and even softer. i had to wipe way more than i usually do and it was a humbling experience for me, a one-wipe man. my stomach was still bemoaning my poor food choices for the day, so i had a quick snack - snyder's of hanover, bacon and cheddar flavor - but before long, my stomachache came back. this time i thought i'd had too much, but then i needed to visit the loo again. this was the worst yet: a leaky faucet clogged with soggy pieces of popcorn chicken. you know when you get a hot fudge sundae from dq and eat all the fudge, and then you're left with a bunch of melted soft serve and small, soft chunks of dying ice cream? that's basically what it was. that cappuccino crap turned out to be drano for the human digestive system and now i'm sitting here dreading the potential for another anal leakage.

guzzled more than half a liter of drano sapiens**

waking up at 2am and drinking too much coffee at breakfast

some background; i'm staying at my grandma's for some exams in the local uni and my uncle (who's living here, also) asked me to do a website to improve one of his assignments and each time he would talk to me about it i would tell him how i feel 'bout it : it's complicated, i don't have the tools to do it and mainly, i don't want to do it and spend some time on it. (man, it would take a lot of time) i must specify : i'm on holidays and my second session of exams (just finished the first one) is beginning in less than 10 days. needless to say, i don't want to bother about some of this stuff. well i figured (since once people think you're good with computers you're some kind of divinity who can do anything comp related in a wink) i would say "no" for once. he tried to make me feel bad about it and now him and my grandma are giving me the ಠ\_ಠ face cause apparently [i have the time since i'm only playing games on mah computer...](http://arch.413chan.net/feelsbadman-\(n1305563518441\).jpg) and awkwardness everywhere.** edit: typos

: uncle asks me to do a website. i think it's too much and say no. ಠ\_ಠ

finally say no to someone who needed "computer halp".

allow me to set the scene: my friend and i had smoked the night before, and for some reason, this made me an insomniac and i couldn't sleep that night as a result. while he was asleep, i found myself redditing, reading some good threads/a surprisingly good dane cross ama, and then, [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/comments/1ctqjr/what_is_the_scariest_thing_youve_found_on_the/c9jwfix) comment in the "scariest shit on the internet" thread. i'll leave you, /r/tifu to read the comic at your own peril/leasure, but suffice to say it did its job. i screamed and had the wits to close the laptop and attempt to play it off as a nightmare, which he seems to have bought...his mother may or may not have---she came down, sleeping gown and all, to figure out if we were ok. all is calm(ish?) now, they all went back to sleep and i've dutifully recorded my fuck-up. doubt i'll be doing much sleeping at all what with that damn thread about. update: when we both woke up, had no idea what had happened and neither the mom nor my friend saw the laptop. success?

browsed "scariest internet shit" thread on reddit last night/this morning, got freaked out, screamed, threw the laptop and attempted to play it off as a nightmare, woke up pretty much everyone**

having a "nightmare"

my girlfriend is a vegan, and i am very much so a carnivore. she respects my decision as much as i respect hers, but she wanted me to try it for a day or two. i don't know if any of you know what quinoa is, but it's a grain kind of like rice but its healthier and has a lot of fiber. she made me a whole 5 course vegan meal with vegetables, and lots of quinoa. lots. and i ate it all, as it is quite delicious. but apparently my gi tract wasn't quite happy without any meat (i eat meat at every meal, usually) and i ended up having to shit super bad. we were at her moms house, so i excused myself and went to the bathroom. i kid you not, my shit was like paste. (this was my third day of quinoa...) then out comes this giant turd the size of a large kiwi fruit. obviously the toilet ends up clogging and of course there is no plunger. so i casually stroll into the kitchen and frantically start looking for something. then i see it. salad tongs. i went back to the toilet, grabbed the turd and put it in the trash can. then, being the gent i am, took out her garbage, but then being the idiot that i am, forgot to dispose of the fecal tongs. i left them in the kitchen sink. girlfriends mom says "oh there they are!", rinses them off with just water, and puts them in the salad. needless to say i am not going to be eating the salad..... fuck. edit: kiwi fruit*

too much fiber, giant turd, used kitchen tongs, girlfriends mom ate off them.

trying to be vegan for a day and then trying to unclog the toilet with my girlfriend's mom's salad tongs..

so i had asked my wife for a wireless security camera for christmas so that we could keep an eye on our house while at work due to a couple of security scares in recent times. my father in law volunteered to install the software for me while i was at work and i (foolishly) agreed. before i went off to work, i fancied a little hand to dong combat. when i finished i closed the laptop and got ready to go to work. fast forward 2 hours. father in law is over to install while i'm at work, he opens my laptop to install the software and boom- some girl getting railed at full volume. oopsie.

father in law needed to use my laptop to install security camera software while i was at work, opened laptop and got a face full o' pornography

forgetting to close the porn on my laptop.

ever had one of those days when the moment you wake up you just know it is going to be a horrible day? a little backstory here, i am living with my aunt and uncle, and my uncle was deployed to sudan last month (military via un). so i had to take care of his precious prize winning birds for the winter. i couldn't sleep at all last night but when i woke up i just knew right then and there, i am going to hate this day. you just know! i went to take a look at the birds, one bit the dust, the other was sent to their maker, expired, kicked the bucket, etc. etc. 11 birds dead! i don't know fucking how, i don't know how to take care of them, i panicked! but hey, the day wasn't over yet. my uncle's father (also a birdkeeper, like father like son) came to take a visit and was shocked! so he sent my nephew to scold me saying "how dare you disrespect my father" so naturally i just pissed off a whole family and am afraid to get kicked out with nowhere to go.

killed 11 birds, pissed off everyone who takes care of me

killing my uncle's prize winning birds

i was on the phone this morning with a field agent coworker and we were talking about an account that was having issues with getting paid. all of a sudden she brings up paula deen mentioning that she is having a crappy week. i agreed saying it sucked she was losing all of her deals for admitting to using "that word" and those are the exact words i used "that word". and that i don't think he meant it in a hurtful way and that i had grown up hearing that word from my grandfather (who has an uneducated farmer who grew up during the depression) and that he never meant it in bad way that it's just the word he used to describe a certain race. not tht i used it. not that i didn't see the harm in using it. only that i had heard it growing up and the older generation grew up using that word. (i'm not excusing the behavior just stating a fact) now to clarify i sit in a cubicle crammed together with a bunch of other cubicles. fast forward to this afternoon and a coworker pulled me aside to warn me that other coworkers (who happened to be black) had overheard me having this conversation and she thought they may have been offended by it. fast forward another couple of hours and my supervisor pulled me into his office to tell me that a complaint hadn't been made but that i needed to watch what i said and be aware of who was around me.

i accidentally offended coworkers by saying the phrase "that word" and relating it to my childhood.

but alluding to a racial slur

hello fellow redditors. first time poster here. i've actually fucked up couple months ago, but only realized it today, so here you go: i live and work abroad, but i go back to my home country every now and then to see the family, etc.. for this purpose i have a sim card that i use there which is **not prepaid**, it's just 0€/month “plan” with nothing included and everything you use, you pay extra. (which is fine as i only use it few weeks a year) now every time i'm going home i can activate some sort of internet bundle that will give me 750mb mobile data for like 8€/month and i will then cancel the bundle once i'm back abroad. you can activate this bundle via web interface, text, call. i usually use web interface to activate it while i'm waiting at the airport on a departure gate. (it only takes couple minutes to activate) i do so this time as well, and i enjoy nice holiday for almost two weeks. i went to cottage, of course i'm happy to create mobile wifi hotspot for friends there as there no way to use up 750mb during those two weeks anyway. i'm sharing, downloading, uploading, posting like there's no tomorrow. after two weeks i leave the country and forget about my home sim completely. two months later i get an email notification. “hello dear not_bezz, here's your bill for that month, it'll be **330.06€** including vat. thanks for using our services.” now i'm an it guy right, i've seen spam you wouldn't believe, sending an random invoice with a bank details to pay it is pretty common. people are sometimes stupid enough to pay it, if you send thousands of these, you'll get some serious money back. so i'm like “yeah, right, this is stupid.“ and about to report spam. but then i notice something. there's an unique customer number in the email and it's not likely that random spammer would know it. (it's not public, different from phone number, etc..) so i'm like yeah, let's call operator and see. (but still there's no way i made a 330€ bill during two weeks right? or did i?) turns out the jerk mobile operator changed the web interface a tiny^tiny bit. now there's a small checkbox i didn't notice to activate the bundle now vs. activate the bundle on a beginning of next billing month. defaults to next billing month if unchecked. (used to be “activate now” with no other option) now the next billing month started about two days *after* i've returned from holidays. and that's when my bundle was also activated. so i've ended up using over 400mb of out of bundle data on a plan that charges for it like i'm roaming on a moon. and yeah i've also paid two months of completely useless bundle afterwards. so yeah, now i have to pay 330.06€ - just to compare, my usual bill is *less than* 15€/month. so it's more than two years of mobile internet/calls/text used up in less than two weeks.. i have to say, when i contacted the customer service department, they promised to look for some possible solution so i won't have to pay the full price. however i did use the data, i didn't have the bundle active (althought i wasn't aware of that) so technically the bill is valid and most likely i'll have to pay for my mistake. ** **udpate**: looks like company will send me a credit note for the used data, so i only end up paying for the two unnecessary data bundles. (about 30eur) and about 6eur spent calling customer service from abroad.. but yeah, definitely better than paying 330eur. thanks for advises guys.

**: i didn't activate a mobile internet bundle, ended up paying more for two weeks, than i've paid during last two years *combined*.

now have to pay 300€ for two week internet access.

it's a little small for tifu, but it was a fuck up. since borderlands 2 was 10 dollars today on xbla, i asked my friend for 800 ms points. all is good. i now owe him 10 dollars. but of course dumb ass me decides he would use his mom's card information! so now i effectively owe two people 10 dollars. god fucking dammit guys i said it was small in the beginning quit expecting thousands of dollars

got borderlands 2 with mom's card instead of points friend lent me. now i owe 20$

owing money to two people at once

i'm moving to florida in about a month, and my mom has been bugging me about cleaning out my bedroom for a long time now. i finally got around to cleaning out my desk yesterday, which is completely filled with crap. i'm kind of a hoarder and it is filled with old papers and random items from the past four years. in one drawer i kept all my old birthday cards. i quickly thumbed through them and put them in the garbage. this morning the garbage guy came and took our stuff. about an hour ago i decided to do some more cleaning and came across one of my graduation cards with a check in it. i decided to put it with my other grad checks and of course, i can't find them anywhere. it only took me a minute to realize that i must have thrown them out with my other cards. there was about $400 worth of checks from family members in there. i'm absolutely freaking out, and i assume i have to tell my mom about it, but she is definitely gonna lose her shit on me.

i threw away my money by accident and can't get it back

accidentally throwing away $400

so my birthday is in the middle of july, so last year the majority of my friends were out of town and i was home alone. i had a cake and i poured myself a huge glass of chocolate milk. i then turned on my xbox to watch some tv. about half way through a walking dead episode i decide it is a good idea to take a sip of chocolate milk while putting the cake down on the table. i was so invalided with the show i shoved the cake in my face and pour the chocolate milk on the floor, thus breaking my xbox.

shoved cake in my face, and poured milk on my xbox while watching tv.

spilling milk on my xbox, and getting caked in the face

this wonderful tale of a child being bitch slapped begins on a family vacation to the beach. my aunt brought along my 5 year old cousin, who is very destructive and is in my eyes the spawn of satan. he also has this weird obsession with punching people in the stomach and genitals. well fast-forward to day 3 in the vacation, and he decides to play with his toys at the top of the stairs. all was fine until the mother of all stomach cramps hits me (just glad this didn't become an "i accidentally shit myself" story). i sprinted up the stairs and was just about to reach the top when he punches me in the stomach like he's fucking lil' mac from punch out. as i fell from being punched, i lost my footing on the stairs and accidentally slapped him full force across the face. this tale only gets worse because due to the slap, he falls down the stairs, causing him scrapes, a black eye, and a burning hatred towards me. now i'm here, sitting on the couch of the beach house, feeling like shit as a toddler is being treated for his slap/stair bruises. i do have to admit though i feel like i have a solid future as a pimp. **update** : his aunt made him apologize to me for punching me, and also made him promise not to do that ever again. that lasted about 30 minutes. almost immediately after swearing off his crouch boxing, he punched his father right in the dick. this child is a monster, and i feel like from now on he should be slapped down the stairs all the time. also, i took the advice being given in the comments and tried to explain to his parents that he shouldn't be allowed to just punch people and they agreed to start punishing him more severely, but this little prick now fears me.

baby punched me in my crap filled bowels, accidentally slapped him down the stairs.

slapping a toddler down the stairs

a little background. i have a 1967 gibson skylark, it's a small 5w tube amp. last summer i restored it to working order by doing a full filter cap replacement and adding a 3-pronged ac cord, all without killing myself. those 3 years of the electronics vo-tech program in high school sure have paid off. i brought it to the studio recently to record it and during the trip the positive leg of the ac cord came detached inside the amp. today i was bored and decided to crack it open and reattach the wire. i got it open, removed the chassis, re-soldered the cord, plugged it in and tested it. success! time to close it up. i slid the chassis back in place and i grabbed one of the 2 little bolts that hold it in place flat on the bottom. there's not much clearance between the top of the amp and the bottom of the chassis so i put my hand in to screw the left side in (power section is on the left, caps and components are on the right). **zap!** god i'm fucking dumb. i got distracted by my roommate after i tested the amp and my dumb ass forgot to unplug it. my right hand made contact with one of the wires and the ground and i felt electricity shoot straight up my arm. i reacted pretty much instantly and got away but man, what a feeling. i used to get shocked by my other big tube amp because i bought it without a ground pin, but that was more of a gradual awful buzzing feeling in my arms. this was a straight up zap that made my arm numb for a minute. after i stepped away i realized how the result could've been worse. here i was with my hand inside a plugged-in high voltage tube amp with no shoes or gloves on. had i been more careless and made contact with the filter caps and the ground or had both hands on the chassis when i got zapped i could've possibly gotten fucked up. we don't have a circuit breaker in my apartment so i'm not sure if it would've just turned off. lesson learned. pay attention if you're going to be working on something that can potentially hurt or kill you.

stuck my hand in a plugged-in tube amp, got a nice little kiss from ac.

forgetting basic electronics safety and almost juicing myself

so i was heading back to my apartment after leaving my university campus. i was raining lightly and i only had a thin t-shirt on so i wanted to get back quickly as it could rain harder and i didn't want to get wet or get my longboard rusty. on my way back, my board lost it's grip and i got thrown off. luckily, i caught myself and didn't fall or get hurt. i thought to myself that maybe i shouldn't skate in the rain as it could be pretty dangerous but i decided getting home relatively dry was more important. a couple minutes later, i cut through a parking lot and was about to exit on the other side when a car pulled up. i wasn't sure if it was going to enter or not but since it's indicator was off i assumed it was just going straight and i kept going. of course, the car turned to enter and i tried to stop. however, because the ground was wet from the rain a slipped and my board went into the street where [it got hit by another car and broke.](http://i.imgur.com/4sgfuem.jpg)

rode my longboard in the rain. fell of and my board rolled into traffic and broke.

longboarding in the rain.

i know most of reddit doesnt like teenagers to be on here but id like to share this story regardless. to give you a background, im a freshman in high school and the test i took was a subject test for biology; its based on information that i havnt learned yet (that i will learn in ap biology), but its still a good test to take because if you do well you can share your grade with colleges. i lost track of when the test was and about three weeks ago i found out that the test was rapidly approaching, so i bought an sat2 practice book to learn a years worth of information ive yet to learn. i havnt left my house for the past three weekends in all honesty; ive been too busy trying to learn all of this stuff for today. so this morning i get into the exam room, im feeling pretty confident, and the proctor is going over what to write on the front of the answer sheet and all that. some kid next to me is asking a ton of questions because hes having trouble understanding the directions, so of course, im thinking, "haha, it seems pretty hard to screw up these directions." well fuck me because thats exactly what i did. the proctor says that the times up and im feeling amazing, i honestly felt like i may have gotten above a 700 out of 800 which is really good (at least in my opinion). the proctor then says to sign our names at the bottom below our answers where theres a line to do so. i dont see a line, so i pull her over and apparently i fucked up hard. i bubbled in all my answers on the back of the packet instead of the second page of the packet. this entire time, i was thinking that the answer sheet was a sheet, not a packet. it hurts to know i spent weeks studying hard for no reason. edit: i may have very possibly not have fucked up as much as i thought. ive been told by a few people across the internet that what i did might not be that big of a deal at all, for me at least. sorry that i didnt fuck up today, ill try harder next time.

i thought a packet was a two sided sheet, so i got a 0 on a test i spent three weeks studying for

getting a zero on my sat2

so i'm hanging out with one of my closest friends that's a girl. we're saying goodbye giving hugs i really wanted to kiss her for a few reasons. i wanted to know if i had what it takes to initiate a kiss (i've been a shy one all my life) and i wanted to see what would come of it. her hand goes to my forehead stopping me and informs me she has a boyfriend. how could i have forgotten? i feel like a dick. she said she'd let me know when she arrived back at her place but i haven't heard from her. i don't want to be the one to text back seeming like a desperate dog asking if she made it back okay yada yada. damn it all, i feel like i possibly hurt our friendship.

my dumbass went to kiss close friend, i forgot she has a bf

going in for a kiss

i work primarily with 5th grade students. today, being their last full day of instruction, my co teacher and i decided to take the kids out in the morning for an extra recess. the boys wanted to play football (american football) and asked if i could all time qb, not a problem. things were going great for about 10 minutes, i was making sure each kid got an equal shot at catching the ball and making plays, etc... things good teachers do. on one particular play one of the students rushed me, i wasn't expecting it. i cut left and slipped on the grass and tore the crotch of my pants clear from zipper all the way down and around up to the belt loop on the back side. there was no hiding it. to make matters worse, i had to then walk across the playground full of students, through the cafeteria full of another grade level of students to my classroom to get my car keys, only to walk clear back across the cafeteria and the playground to my car to go home and get new pants. basically, i mooned two full grade levels of students twice today. thank god i did wear underwear. i suppose i should clarify that due to the increased safety regulations after sandy hook and all, we have a very strict one door policy in our school, in that everyone has to enter and exit only one door in the building unless there is a fire alarm.

pants got a hole in them, i had to walk past two full grade levels of students twice in order to get my keys and then get to my car.

playing sports with my students.

so i woke up this morning with a headache, only to see my credit card out on my desk by my computer with a website still open. apparently i was lonely last night and had clicked on an advert for christianmingle.com, and i 'sparked' a girl that was cute. well, in order to message her, i needed a 13.99 monthly subscription. so i thought, 13.99, not bad, let's go for it. well, i submit my payment, and apparently i signed up for the 6 month subscription, and $87.00 was charged to my account. it's pretty comical but i still feel really foolish.

got drunk, now a premium member of christianmingle.com**

getting drunk and paying for a non-refundable, six-month subscription to christianmingle.com for $87.00

so, last night i put some computer analytic tools on my usb so i could check up on my computer in fears of having a bad memory leak. so skip to next day, i put my usb into a school computer and realized that i had saved those tools onto my usb. oh ok then, no biggy. i proceed to do my work when suddenly the pa system says "spartan117au, please come to the office immediately." i have no idea why i am being sent up to the office and am a little bit shakey. see, at our high school, if you are called to the office you have either forgotten your lunch or you are screwed for something. i go up and they say that the principle wants to see me. i go in and the principle begins to explain that a number of malicious virus entered the system through a computer that was logged on with my account. he asks to see my usb which i happened to have taken along with me. he scans up the tools and sure enough, they are filled with trojans, adware, spyware and more. they have to shutdown the internet at the school for two days in order to prevent viruses from spreading on the network and eventually into education queensland's "mainframe".

before putting random programs from the internet on to your school usb, scan it first.

almost breaking education queensland.

every day since the incident i have had urges to shit but when i sat down only one loud airy fart would come out. no poop. this got scarier as time passed. but yesterday, i had that feeling where i needed to shit bad and i rushed to the bathroom. i could finally feel something long and hard exiting my ass, i was so happy. i made sure to get a good look at this thing, it was big. it was probably about as thick/long as 3 well nourished turds. it was like a brown can off redbull but twice as long. there were also 2 standard logs on top of that. we have this toilet at our apartment that you could flush a live house cat down if you wanted to, but it struggled with this batch of shit. although this was a nice poop, it does not come close to my 2 favorite shits of all time: "the flak cannon" and "the spaghetti and meatballs". i was glad to have finally shit, but i knew of course it was not over. this morning i woke up and prepared for work then i felt hella rumble in my stomach. rushed to the bathroom asap, shot out a small round rocket ship then began peeing out of my ass with no end in sight. i could not stop fucking shitting. i had to call in at work i was shitting so motherfucking much. anyways, i think it's all over now. it was an interesting experience that i'm glad i had but i certainly will not be repeating any of this ever again if i can help it.

finally pooped, and pooped enough to miss work.

eating 3 boxes of fiber one bars

i am in college and i decided to visit my dad because i hadn't seen him in a while. we decided to get pizza and beer. of course i got shitfaced because i don't drink all that much normally. so i decided to sit down at the table and chill for a while and there was an ikea catalog in a pile of junk mail. whilst flipping though it i found a page of coupons. there was a picture of a person with their mouth open so i did what any classy drunk person would do. i drew a dick in their mouth. of course one thing lead to another and there were cocks, tits, zombies and all sorts of horrific fuckery. the book had pages and pages of all kinds of weird shit. i put the book back like normal assuming my dad would find it later and laugh at it. he later told me that he gave it to the neighbor lady because he doesn't shop at ikea.

- got drunk and drew dicks in a book, gave neighbor lady a book of dicks.

having an ikea catalog in reach while drunk

alright ladies and gents t'was only a small fuck up but in the interests of honesty of the almighty counter i believe i should retell my story. i got home from work and as per usual i hopped on reddit. today i had been slightly more gassy than usual but i thought nothing of it and went about my business. the urge to shit came up but i did the good ol squeeze technique to delay the inevitable and continued to scroll through the interwebs where i completely forgot that i needed to shit. flash forward a few hours and i have eaten dinner and after walking half way back from the mess hall i suspected i had a sweaty ass crack so i pulled my undies up higher to attempt to alleviate my discomfort at which moment i discover it wasn't sweat but just shit that i had sitting in my ass from earlier but i was too stupid to realise. i headed straight back to my room, got undressed and showered so all in all it was only a minor fuck up but i still question how i got to being an adult and forgetting that i should go to the toilet when i need to.

shat myself and took an hour or so to realise it.

resetting the counter

the location : my kitchen and the head height cupboard that i keep my tea in. the tifu moment : opening the cupboard to help myself to a nice oolong i jostled the contents in my search. this jostling seemed to have no effect on the cupboard contents, but this was a trap. my attention taken by the thoughts of the upcoming cup of hot bliss, one of the jars saw its moment and leapt from the confines of the only world it knew. this maiden voyage would have ended in disaster for the jar, if not for my toe, which halted the plummet. my toe, after this impact, decided to send a rather large pain impulse through my nervous system. once i had finished scream crying, all thoughts of tea were gone. i flung the wayward jar back into its storage gulag and went to ice my toe. over the next two days, the pressure in my lower digit grew, turning the whole nail an inky shade of blue black that rivalled the night sky and even a draft blowing on it was painful. i ventured forth and visited a man of medicine. this venerable gentleman recommended that he release the pressure in the offending nail through a hole. i lay on the hard bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling, waiting for the anticipated prick of the blessed numbing needle before he works his way through the keratin. instead, i feel a stab as he cuts straight into the underside of the nail and then squeezes. stars scream across my vision before finally relief. the dull nausea inducing throb is gone, and i have bled all over the place. he informs me that he was going to numb my toe and drill, but since i had done such a good job on growing a lovely haematoma, it was easier to just make the incision immediately. my lesson learnt, i limp home, make a note to not visit such an old school practitioner of the medical sciences and carefully reorganise the tea cupboard.

tea jar fell on toe and caused subungual haematoma. doctor stabbed underside of nail to release pressure

going to make a cup of tea

so i was in chemistry class today, and i was stoked because it was my first class as a senior! class of 2014, woo! i was all prettied up and dressed in my new school uniform, like in the animes. i was gonna make my last year of high school one to remember! the teacher gave us a brief intro to the class, leaving us about ten minutes at the end to talk quietly amongst ourselves. none of my friends were in this class, so i just doodled in my notebook. then i felt a sneeze coming on. the sneeze was silent. the aftermath was not. you know how rooms will occasionally experience a sudden, unexplainable silence now and then? one hit ours... just in time for me to unleash the loudest, longest, bassiest toot of my life. i’m thinking a 7.7 on the richter scale. basically, i did a kamehameha from my butt. my chair was blown to pieces as the force lifted me off the ground. i struggled to hold my skirt down, like a gross marilyn monroe. i watched as the poor soul directly behind me had her very flesh ripped from her bones by the blast. in the end, all that was left of my classmates were their shadows. i exaggerate, but really, that was a harrowing poot. it lasted about three seconds, but felt like a lifetime. everybody was floored. it’s an all-girls school, so there isn’t really any public farting. i tried to feign innocence, but my luminescent blush betrayed me. i began to wonder if i could seppuku with my craft scissors. would they believe me if i said my shoe squeaked on the floor? maybe if it doesn’t sme- oh god it smells. my face felt so hot; i knew i was turning bright red. my teacher crossed the room and turned on the vents they use to vent toxic fumes in case of a lab accident. the laughter was thunderous.

tried to make a good impression on my first day as a senior. i blew it.

snarting in class

so let's just give a bit of background here, i, like a lot of people, watch porn. the thing is, i have this nice sharp 1080p so i'm not going to watch some crappy low quality video. instead, i am a member of a couple private torrent trackers for porn. this has resulted in me having quite a [big amount](http://imgur.com/pqqcsgg) of porn on my hard drive. me and a friend are currently working on a big project, one which involves computers. now, my porn folder is hidden away quite well. the actual torrent files are not, since people looking around my computer folders is not a regular occurrence. so, i'm navigating to a file and mistakenly click on the folder with torrent files in it. though the upper half of the screen contained folders like music and movies, the lower half was filled with, well, pretty descriptive titles. it's important to note my friend's character. while most of my friends would laugh at such an incident, this friend is somewhat shy and i feel that such an incident could at least make our relationship somewhat weird. feeling my heart sink, i clicked away as quickly as humanly possible, hoping that he hadn't managed to read the titles. there was no reaction on his face either. skip to a couple hours later, i see something pop up in my lower right corner. up popped a "finished download" notification, telling me (us) that the download of [*pornstar name* *pornstar name* .... slut .... (i'm trying to not be too specific here). again, with my heart dropping at the speed of light, i clicked it away in the blink of an eye but the chances of him seeing at least something in either of these incidents are obviously pretty damn big.

showed shy friend massive porn collection. showed him again in case he didn't see it the first time.

making it very clear to my friend that i have a massive stash of porn

oh god. there are so many layers to this story. it all started because my boss refuses to accept that our website is relatively easy to navigate and instead insists on trying to search for whatever he's looking for each time he gets on it. but because it's a wordpress site, the default search function only searches "posts" and not the entire site. this is a known thing that drives people like me batty, but since most people don't search our site, i wasn't overly concerned. apparently my boss was. so this resulted in a kind of nasty email to me last night asking if i could "fix it" like it was broken. so this morning i did some research trying to 1) be a good employee and 2) not ever get that email again cause it made me want to hit things. i found a plugin that worked with our cart system (woocommerce) that should solve the problem. perfect! but some things will have to be updated first, including wordpress. so i backup our whole site first, like i'm supposed to i guess, install all my shit and...oh no. when we built this website our designer created a custom theme and did kind of a hack job forcing the woocommerce code into it so now that woocommerce updated suddenly everything is awful. nothing works and half the page shows up as error code on every. single. product. okay. so this is bad. but i can fix it, right? i can restore from the backup i made before i updated! wrong. there's a duplicate line of code (or something i don't totally understand the error message) so myphpadmin won't accept the file. so basically i'm fucked. and now my boss has noticed it's broken and it's all he can talk about. if i had just ignored his email or told him it couldn't be done i could have gone on my merry way and none of this would have happened and he probably would have forgotten it in a week. but i decided to try and be a good employee or something and now everything's broken. **update:** the original site designer had a backup folder of an outdated version of the plugin on her computer that we were able to replace on the ftp. everything basically works again but i'm not touching anything for a while. so it's okay for now but i still wish i knew why it went so bad in the first place!

i tried to update my company's website built on wp and now everything is awful and if i had just let my boss obsess over what wasn't a problem for a few days until he forgot and just ignored him it would have been fine. tifu by taking initiative.

trying to update my company's website

so i got a awesome dugout which helps with my public smoking. i like to smoke omw to work, i take the bus. so while i'm walking down the street maybe around 7:40ish am. bust out my dugout and take a nice long drag, hold it for a few, and blew it out in a glorious cloud. right into a passing runners face, he was running up the street behind me and due to my headphones in i never heard him coming. he never looked back, he never said a word.... he just kept running. through my coughing i yelled "i'm so sorry" but he never looked back.....

i blew pot smoke into a passing runner who never even acknowledged it

blowing pot smoke directly into someones face

so i'm in college right now but i'm off for the summer. i'd say my average bed time in college was around 1 or 2 but i've been going to bed around 11 most nights when i'm home. i love sleeping! and i'm not so much as a really late night person. well one of my best friends in the marines got one day off today to spend with his family so he's going to a family reunion today (he enlisted a little over a year ago and is now stationed off the coast of nc and has a chance of being deployed over seas in about six months or so). so he got back around 2 last night. no problem i wouldn't miss it so two other friends and i had decided to meet at ihop to catch up since he was leaving early this morning at 530. i'm super tired and get there first and notice its closed. so i tell them and we decide to just go to mcdonalds. at this point i'm getting a little fed up with just driving around past 2 in the morning. i've been driving for almost four years and haven't gotten in an accident or gotten a ticket before. i start backing up out of the parking spot to take off and all of a sudden smash something behind me. i never even thought to look in the rear view and ended up backing straight into one of those huge cement cylinders that hold light posts in place in parking lots. my bumper is now fucked and i've been pissed since last night bc of it. i barely have the money to pay for it right now, but my mom is making me since she doesn't want anybody driving around in my car when it looks broken. i know it was completely my fault and a careless mistake, but its still frustrating.

i was too tired to drive and ended up paying for it by fucking up my car.

not looking in the mirror.

my boyfriend dislocated his knee over the weekend while he was out visiting me (we have a long-distance relationship). since his knee is mostly okay and we're not about to let some quality bang-time go to waste, we've been coming up with creative positions for sex so that he doesn't have to move his leg. one of these positions entails me laying across his chest in a sort of upside down 69. he decided to use the vibrator today. he's getting me close to climax and, since he knows i squirt sometimes, he was getting prepared for a possible onslaught of epic cum-portions. i start to climax and instead of cum, i squirt piss out onto his chest as i orgasm. i run into the bathroom to clean up as he lays on the bed laughing his dick off. edit: [the incident](http://imgur.com/wlu8bss)

always pee before sex.

pissing on my boyfriend

well, this happened a couple of weeks ago, but it's still a fuck-up. we went to this restaurant with my dad, that serves the best salami pizza in the galaxy. i wolfed down the giant pizza like a starving t-rex, it was a nice meal, we had dessert, and after that, we left the restaurant, and i start to feel a little queasy. i think nothing of it, and just walk home. when i go to bed, i still have this odd feeling in my stomach, but i proceed to browse a little reddit, and then go to sleep. in the morning, i wake up to the feeling of my guts being roasted with the power of a thousand suns! "holy fuck!" i exclaim out loud, and run for the bathroom. as you might guess, i puked all my digestive fluids out with a half-digested pizza coming up my throat in big lumps. as if that wasn't enough, while i'm kneeling there, spewing pizza-infested matter from my mouth, my butt decides to go all-inferno-mode. soon enough, i start spewing said matter from my mouth, and my anus. after the poo-bombardment os over, i clean up the floor, and just go to bed.

ate too much pizza too fast, ended up spewing shit from my mouth and my butt.

eating pizza and sleeping it off

well here's how it went down, i decided to stop being lazy yesterday morning and give my dog a real long nice walk, so i get dressed in moderately nice clothing and set out, everything is fine, dog is doing dog stuff, i'm doing people stuff, yet then i begin to get annoyed by the zillion or so bugs that are bothering me, annoying flies and such. fortunately, i've had this problem before, and as a guy with long hair, i'm used to just shaking my head as it whips around and disperses the bugs. unfortunately, i walked into a thick of flies, and spasm'd out a bit with head, and while the bugs were sent flying, in my lack of vision during this process, i happened to trip over the cobblestone walk on my left and almost comically fell into a huge patch of dirt and mulch, slashing my legs on the cobble walk. i feel like such a damn idiot and had to walk home in disgrace, covered in dirt and mulch, my dog must be thinking i'm retarded.

forgot i needed eyes to walk.

thinking i have multiple ways of seeing things.

i have an acer aspire laptop that was bought on my scholarship, and is only four months old. being touchscreen, i was getting four hours out of the battery with windows 8, and decided linux would hopefully make the battery last an hour more. install ubuntu without a hitch, go to boot into it, and there are no os'es on my lappy. brand new laptop that i've voided the warranty on, and it doesn't bloody work. i'm now fucked for the upcoming assignment that is due friday...

fucked up... no os on my hdd, rendered $700 laptop useless.

trying to make something better

typical tifu really. was revising for my exam this afternoon, smelt something...something i knew. oh crap. literally. how i didn't notice beats me. but the real problem? they were my last pair of underwear, and my exam is in an hour so i have no time to do my washing. so i'm now sitting on reddit, and not sure whether to worry about my exam, or what i'm going to wear there...

shat myself, no underwear left, have to now sit a 2.5 hour exam either commando, or in old underwear...

not doing washing

back story yesterday i didn't eat much . except what i did eat was pretty shitty through the day i had about six glazed donuts two sausage and cheese kolaches and a big plate of mashed potatoes for dinner. so today i was expecting a soft nasty shit. now to current events. so about 8 am everyday i take my daily dump. except this was one of those hits you all at once clench your ass and run to the restroom kinda shits. i work in a chemical plant and in the area i am at today there is a single restroom with a locked door. so i clench my ass and haul myself over to the crapper. well my shit started to slowly squeeze itself out with every step i am taking but i finally make it. i undress to take my shit and what's left of my underwear that's clean i cut up with my knife to get washed up and clean. well i hear the door open to the little building i am in taking a shit and figure whoever walked in will see the restroom door is closed and won't come in. nope! a minute later this old operator in his late 50s walks up and opens the door that i thought i locked while i'm in mid wipe. my cut up shit stained underwear sitting on the floor next to me . soooo there's my fucked up little story for the day.

i shit my self and an old man walked in on me mid wipe with shitty underwear on the floor next to me.

not locking the restroom door at work.

i (a male) was walking across campus at my university past our big clock tower. i hear a girl yelling through a megaphone about her experience with date-rape, and i think "uh oh, there's one of the feminists meetings here". i only say uh-oh because this isn't the university sponsored feminist group, it's the one that's kind of infamous on our campus for being radical and violent. i'm very much for rights for women, but vandalism and blackmail just isn't how you should do it. so i'm kind of zoned out walking past the clock tower to class. the megaphone is super loud and bouncing off all the walls and hedges so i can't tell where it is coming from. the megaphone girl was just getting to the part where all men suck: "after my rape every male figure in my life disowned me, my dad, boyfriend, and all my guy friends. but it showed me that i don't need them in my lives" and she's sobbing while telling this. right as i start to think "man this is really heavy" i decide to look up to see that i have walked straight into this meeting and am standing about 5 feet away from the girl with the megaphone. she has stopped talking and is staring at me along with roughly 50 girls (who i'm sure have the most awesome opinion of men at this point) giving me the death glare. this moment could only be made worse by my wardrobe choice that day. i was wearing a shirt i had ironically bought for parties a few days earlier that brandished a large and colorful "party with sluts" on the front. after standing still for what seemed like an eternity i quickly nope-ed the fuck out of there.

feminists probably want me dead

not paying attention to my surroundings

i'm a college freshman and he's a senior in high school. i merely skimmed through his status and thought to myself that he was giving a send off to his class such as 'its been fun' or 'good luck to you guys in the future'. i commented, trying to bust his balls by saying 'let's see how you feel in college... ' some other person comments 'who's this douchebag?" i think to myself "lighten up, buddy". but then i decided to reread the status. he was talking midway of how he had a close friend who passed away. the person who called me out was her boyfriend. i promptly deleted my comment and messaged my friend and the other person, explaining that i misread the status.

didn't read a status and typed a joke; insulted some dude's dead girlfriend

not reading the entire wall of text on my friend's fb status

today i had a sexual experience that is comparable to a video on efuckt. i have never felt the need to throw up from being so embarrassed.it's going to be pretty long, just a heads up. i should give you the preface; i have always had a taste for odd foods. i'll look at a menu and see something such as monkey toes or bumble bee's urethra and my response 9 out of 10 times is "hell yeah i want that weird ass shit". today was no different. a random new hippy -dippy store appeared this week , i was curious so i ordered something from a white dirty man with a beard like mose called a "power green house punch" smoothie with some questionable ingredients. one sip and it felt like a mma crack head punched me in the stomach, i made a mistake. fast forward a couple hours later, my stomach is feeling better and i'm on my way to see my boyfriend. we start discussing dota, which leads to the unavoidable sex. everything is going great, until i received a mega man stroke that made arch my back and release my bowels. at first i didn't realize that i not only shit myself but also shit on boyfriend. then the smell hit me and all i could think was "damn you hippies!" at this point i'm trying to play it cool, with the hopes that maybe he doesn't know that i shit myself from his power fucking. to try and distract him from the poop running down my ass i start putting in double time, pulling out every move in the book. my thought process was that maybe the smell of good sex will overpower the smell of shit. nope, wrong, so very wrong. the room smelt like two homeless people fucking with cat shit as lube, and to make things worse with every thrush, my boyfriend is being cover with more shit. i finally give up on trying to make it less awkward but i'm still in full panic mode and looking for a way to make this sticky situation into a better one. for some reason, i though that giving him head would make him would make him feel better because at least he got off. yeah, because sucking a dirty poop dick is sexy. my plan didn't work, the moment i put it in my mouth the smell and taste hit me and i was like a deer caught in headlights, expect instead of lights it was a dick that smells like shit in my mouth. i sat motionless with his dick in mouth for a few seconds. then i apologized and left faster than a fat guy chasing a wheel of cheese down a hill. looking back on all of this makes me cringe, i’m never leaving my bed or eating from a dude name “moon dance” again. edit: hey everyone, i'll clear up a few things and have a few things that i need to add to my ongoing increasingly awkward story. i'm glad my misfortune could make you guys laugh, hopefully if you are ever on my situation you do the complete opposite of what i did. first, i'm a girl. no doubt about that. second, my boyfriend noticed for sure. it was the middle of the day with the sun jammin outside ,we were also doing it "doggy" style. probably the worst position if you shit yourself. he just is a trooper and didn't want to make it more awkward. after i left i went home and sat in my bed reconsidering my life choices and cringing as the smell of poop and sex still clung to my skin. then i realized, i done fucked up i left all shit at his house. i considered just leaving it there and moving to the the furthest country away. i thought about it for a while until i came up with a brilliant idea. maybe if i just pretend it didn't happen he'd think that maybe it dint happen. plus its no big deal, i'm a grown ass woman sometimes adults shit themselves and it gets on other people, no shame in that. eventually after practicing my lines, i worked up the courage to go to his house. i get there and no answer, so i do what anyone who wants to avoid the person you shit on. i sly cooper my ass into his room. i go into his room and fuck, the smell of shit ton of freezebrezze that mixed with shit and sex making the room smell like a tropical std . as i started trying to get all my stuff i saw his dog, licking the bed, i went over to see if i got help him thinking maybe his toy was under the blanket. sure enough, he was licking a shit stain that was on the bed. fuck me. on my way out , my boyfriend comes out of the bathroom. like i said before i'm terrible at handleing stress so i start speed walking like its 1999 in hopes that he won't see me. of course he does, so in my panic i proceed to ask him "how was the sex?!" . he must think i'm violently sick because all he did was ask me how i'm feeling. i just left without saying anything. if i ever see him again ill update you. p.s i went to the hippies to see why it made me shit and he informed me that "its a totally detox for your mind and body". only thing that got detox is my butthole. fuck you hippie and you delicious drinks. tldr: i went back to his house to find his dog licking the shit and then tried to act like nothing happen.

i trusted a hippie, which lead to me having shitty sex and a room that smelt like a homeless hooker shelter. i then try to suck the poop off his dick in order to make him cum. i don't make good decisions under stress.

eating "hippie food" that caused me to shit on my boyfriend and myself.

so today i was bored and just laying around and browsing on my phone. then i randomly find one of my airaoft bb's on my bed and while i'm laying there on my phone just start to mess around with it in my hand. then i put it by my ear and set it in the little gap part. then as i go to take it put my finger knocks it in and it falls down into my ear canal. i then proceed to try and take it out but it's already lodged in. so now i'm on my way to the emergency room after trying everything i could to try and get it out so there's my f*ck up for today.

messing around with an aairsoft bb and it fell in my ear and now i'm going to the emergency room haha.

with airsoft

i'll preface this by saying that i have not been very well the last few days. i had what was probably food poisoning last week and have been sickly since. i have eaten very little the last few days and i'm constantly trying to balance out hunger and nausea. this morning i woke up very hungry and only a little bit nauseous so i decided to make myself some breakfast. i have english muffins, egg, cheese, and baloney, so i thought i'd make myself a breakfast sandwich. i turned on the heat, set a pan and while it was waiting to heat i grabbed a used stick of butter. as i began to unwrap it i got an odd sense of almost dejavu – this stick of butter looks like something i've seen before. not sure what, butter doesn't look like many things... that's when it hit me. semen. i was standing in front of the heating pan, when i realized what i was thinking about was semen. it doesn't really make sense, i don't think semen ordinarily looks like a hard stick of butter. i became instantly nauseous anyway and puked onto the hot pan. i ran to the restroom to finish barfing only to barf harder when i began to smell frying vomit. in my rush i didn't turn off the stove! i went back to the kitchen to turn it off and proceeded to barf onto my hands, more into the pan, and finally into the sink. what followed was what i can only describe as barf-cleaning. i intermittently barfed while i tried to clean the pan only to barf on it again as i tried to chip away the barf bits. the pan's finally clean, but i'm not sure i ever want to use it again.

accidentally made barf omelet.

cooking

this actually happened to me last night but i thought it was worth posting here now. so last night i went to a friends house after being invited for a party. i thought it would be just a few people... i was wrong there were so many people there and most of them i'd never meet so i took my jacket off and left my wallet filled with $120 inside of it. i then put my jacket in the corner of the room by a couch. i noticed some of my friends were putting their stuff their. hours go by and i think nothing of it. until i look over and see my drivers license in the ground. i go and pick it up only to see my wallet sitting on top of my jacket which had been thrown on the ground. i quick grab it knowing what was inside. sure enough all my money is missing. i tried to ask around to my friends and people i've never met but too many people were coming and going i couldn't figure it out. so now i'm sitting here thinking about how i'm going to pay my speeding ticket that i got last week seeing as that was the money i was going to use. my life lesson out of this. you should keep you personal items on you at all times.

- lost 120 dollars that i needed to pay a ticket. i hate people.

leaving my wallet, full of money, in my jacket

so i thought it would be a good idea to take my brother-in-law out to a party that was filled with some of my really close friends. he works a lot and doesn't get out even on his one day off a week. so i told him to have a good time and i would be the dd. well he hasn't drank a lot in awhile and kinda went over bored. mixed his liquors with a couple of beers as well as a couple of ciders. he gave himself alcohol poisoning. so after i thought he was done throwing up, i walked to get the car. i drove the car closer so he could just climb in and i would take him home. turns out he still needed to puke some and while doing that he also released some from the other end. im texting him what is taking him so long, asking if he needed help getting to the car? he says no he can make it but he had an accident in his pants. i have to think quickly on how to take care of this without causing a scene at the party and drawing attention. i remember i have some old clothes in my trunk that are too small for me so they would not fit him. i use them as a liner for the back seat and put the plastic bag on top of the clothes to create another barrier. he gets in the backseat and i can smell his puke and fecal matter. i book it to his place made it in 15 mins when its suppose to take 30. dropped him off and threw away the bag and all the clothes underneath him. but now im stuck with this knowledge and nobody else knows and i don't know how im ever going to look at him the same way again.

my brother-in-law shit himself after getting alcohol poisoning and i had to drive him home still.

taking my brother-in-law to a party

alright, so i always laugh at the stories on here where people shit themselves and think "no fucking way i'd ever do that..." i'm now eating my words. really just typing this up to relieve some of the stress that i've accumulated over the past few hours. it always happens when it really shouldn't right? here's some context. myself and my parents sit down in the family room to watch a soccer game around 5:45 this afternoon. as halftime approaches we hear a loud dripping. we assume someone left the faucet on; not so. we go to the entryway of the house and there is an obscene amount of water dripping through a seam and a lightbulb socket in the ceiling and onto the floor. we immediately surmise that the hot water heater (which is, of course, on the top floor) has sprung a leak. we spend about an hour cleaning up the mess on the two floors, then my father calls our insurance company to get someone out and assess and fix the water damage and the water heater, and in the meantime we sit down to watch the end of the game. the game ends, and my dog is a bit stressed from all the commotion so i decide to take him for a nice long walk. normally i use the bathroom before a long walk but i literally felt nothing so i just ventured off into the wild unknown. bad idea. about halfway down my street i realize my bowels have decided to yell "fuck you and everything you stand for" and i immediately turn around. i run back with my dog (in retrospect i may have been able to hold it in more effectively had i walked, but i felt it *bad*.) i get to my porch and then suddenly jt just lets loose. i assure you it wasn't a pleasant firm log either, but a chunky, barely held together pile. i sprint into the bathroom, but the damage is done (although not nearly finished). i take off my shorts, meanwhile dropping my phone into the (currently clean) toilet for icing on the cake that was this shit evening. now, anyone who has shit themselves so forcefully knows that rationality exits almost simultaneously with your excrement. so it was that i found myself flushing a toilet that was filled with toilet paper and lumps of shit. what do you know, it overflows. being a panicked and irrational teenager i scream for help, wrapping a towel around myself, and my wonderful father runs in and shuts off the water valve. unfortunately it was too little too late, and the bathroom's tiles are covered in shit water and specks of toilet paper. to top it off i have shit on the side of my leg and on my shoes and my boxers are destroyed. somewhere in this commotion the two guys arrive to assess and fix the damage. by this point we've shut down gas, (obviously) hot water, and electricity in the affected rooms. i won't go into the cleaning process of cleaning the bathroom floor and unclogging the toilet. then, i have to take a freezing cold shower with no water pressure to clean myself off. rather comical situation, i guess. i might have left out some details, but essentially the overflow in the bathroom leaked into the basement so we now have dehumidifiers running in four rooms of the house and there's just about no way i'm getting any sleep tonight. i can't tell if my timing was perfect because we had the guys (for whom i now have some immense respect for not even batting an eye) coming around anyway, or terrible because i then had just about no way to clean myself off.

shitting yourself--it could happen to *you*

making a pretty bad situation shitty

cooked [vegetarian korma](http://allrecipes.com/recipe/vegetarian-korma/detail.aspx) for dinner. i liked it. much less spicy than i expected, but that's fine because i don't care for that kind of heat. some time after dinner, i touched my dick, and the little amount of capsaicin from the jalapeño transferred over and began irritating the foreskin. this was very uncomfortable. over the course of a few minutes, i tried using saliva and milk to remedy it to no avail (i've heard that milk has some enzyme or something, but never really looked into it). i then consulted [wikipedia's suggested treatment options for capsaicin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/capsaicin#treatment_after_exposure) and accordingly spent several more minutes applying vaseline. since this was mostly unsuccessful, and since i still had quite a bit of pain, after much delaying i stuck my dick in a cup of canola oil. it worked.

got spiciness on my dick, removed it by putting dick in canola oil

touching my dick after dinner

so have you ever heard of the game cookie clicker? you should never try it. i was introduced to this devilishly addicting game a few days ago, and my roommate and i were playing nonstop. then, a computer broke. not because we were clicking too much, or the computer overheated, but because in my excitement over my roommate's golden cookie powerup i knocked over a glass of water onto his new macbook pro. and despite our valiant efforts, doing all the things one should do when mixing water and electronics, the computer is now in the shop for what i assume is at least a new logic board.

cookie clicker may be free for most, but it cost me $800.

playing cookie clicker

this actually happened maybe a month ago. i had a whole package of those extra-long necklace glowsticks on the floor in my bedroom. i stepped on the package by accident and cracked all of them. i figured, "well, why waste them?" so i finished cracking them, shook them all up, and looped them together. then i turned off the light . . . to find my entire room was speckled green. one of the green ones had cracked open. so i figured, "hell, might as well wander down to the kitchen and get my glow on in a glass!" i went to the sink, put a glass in it, cut one end of the glowstick and inverted it. then i tried to cut the top off, too. somehow the scissors bent it and when the top came off it flung glowing liquid everywhere, speckling the kitchen and dowsing my eyes. i normally leave all the lights off but it hardly mattered as i stupidly rushed blind to the bathroom instead of trying to rinse it in the sink. admittedly, the five seconds of glowvision were pretty sweet. not to mention that moment between looking in the bathroom mirror and pulling the chain for the light. long story short, i washed my eyes out and was fine. the chemicals weren't corrosive or anything but it burned like crazy.

i accidentally broke a glowstick and flung the liquid into my eyes.

giving myself glow-in-the-dark eyes

i've been writing a powershell script to find and delete redundant $recycle.bin files in our thousands of user personal folders. the script is going well. it works perfectly fine. it takes a matter of minutes and gives beautiful log and error output info. then i notice that i'm not using the same standardised variable name for the folder i'm trying to clear out, so i edit one of my functions to bring it into line. great, now the function should use the right variable name. i run the script and check my error logs. instead of the 78 kb file i'm expecting (from previous runs it was that size), i get a 4.9 mb file. shit. i check the file and see that it's got errors like "unable to delete c:\windows. folder not empty". fuck. i check other folders on the server and notice they're also empty. hardly any files to be found. it's like a digital ghost town. i check my code again and see that i forgot to change the variable on the line that does the actual deleting: ... remove-item $folder\* -recurse -force -erroraction silentlycontinue ... the function accepted param([string] $path), not $folder. instead of powershell going "hey, i see a bug here. something's wrong, so i'll stop", it goes straight ahead and does a recursive delete from the root of the c: drive. anything my script was able to delete, it did. i immediately owned up to the problem and got our servers and storage manager to see what he could do. there was no server image to restore from. the backup software on the server wasn't working because.. i'd deleted it. he first had to install the backup software before attempting to do a restore. the restore is still running. the server will be rebooted tomorrow, and if it's fine it'll be left as-is. if not it'll need to be re-done from scratch. no biggie, the server wasn't doing much apart from being required for governmental security compliance.. **update: it's all fine.** the restore on c:\\* worked. the server's license had to be re-entered. i guess i removed *some* files that made it think it wasn't the genuine article. it's been rebooted and seems healthy again. i've read all and replied to some comments. thankyou to those of you saying that you've fucked up on mega scales before. it makes mine seem like it's [just a flesh wound](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/012/877/3qafhk.jpg). :)

all it took was a sphinctosecond to recursively delete everything i could on the c: drive of a local government security logging server.

doing a recursive delete

here's word for word what i sent to my friends after it happened: me: so...i just pissed myself in my sleep on the couch but i have a really good reason as to why i did it and before you ask, no i'm not drunk or anything i was just under a lot of pressure in my dream. dream world: loki is suing the police because a cop urinated on him and broke his arm. yes my cat since he was suing the police and he's such a celeb there has been a lot of media attention surround the case. i constantly have reporters in my face asking me questions about his arm, his state of mind, what i thought of the case, etc etc. oh p.s. i fell asleep listening to law and order svu so i'm sure most of this dream is directly related to that. so anyways i go to take a piss into my toilet/loki's food bowl because this is dream world and loki lives in a toilet. as i start taking a piss loki begins batting my piss with his broken arm and i'm like "wtf you little liar!" so i'm thinking yea i'll hurry up and finish pissing and i'll call the news station to show them my cat is an asshole. so i hurry up and begin to push and i could feel the squeezing of my kidneys irl but whatever i continue to pee in this very odd toilet. now the toilet is a square and in the middle is loki's food and then there are 2 little boxes that must be 2 inches by 2 inches so to pee in them is stupid but this is how all toilets are for cat owners #duh so i continue to pee and loki is batting at it and getting it all over the floor and i'm getting pissed (not a pun) so i shove my dick into one of these 2 boxes but 2 things are wrong here. 1. i have morning wood so my piss is spraying out the side 2. i'm peeing so hard that my piss is penetrating the walls of this toilet, which was weird because i knew this was indeed possible to do but i didn't think i was pushing that hard. so i figure ah fuck it i'll clean up the mess later i need to hurry up and finish. but the small box i'm peeing in is starting to fill up and the last thing i want is to piss on my own dick so i pull out and fall off the couch the real fucking couch! i'm confused and wondering how i ended up on the floor but the warm sensation on my left thigh politely told me i fucked up. i inspect the couch to find it was dry...except between the cushions... remember that box i told you i shoved my dick in to make it easier to piss... it was actually the couch cushions! i piss fucked my couch cushions! what the actual fuck!? so realizing it was all a dream i was both horrified and relieved because i didn't have to pee in that weird toilet but i totally pissed this couch. now i'm showered and i need to go to work in a few hours so i'm going to bed. i'll deal with it tomorrow lmfao! good night. chris (friend): you're a fucking clown! tom (brother): who the fuck has a wet dream about their cat and piss!? mike (friend): i’m crying right now! how did this happen? chris: laughing as hard as i did is worth waking up at 5am to get this random fucking message tom: bro you’re a fucking adult wtf!? mike: piss fucked the couch! chris: are you going to tell lindsey? me: fuck no! she’ll never let me forget it. for the rest of my life she’ll ask me “did you pee” before i attempt to go to bed…oh god it’s like being ten all over again…. chris: lmfao i gotta tell your mom! me: i will fuck you up kid. eventually lindsey saw the texts and laughed at me for several days and she is the reason why i'm posting this on here today because she thought all of you would get a kick out of it. i hope you enjoyed my fuck up =( edit: spelling

(yes i'm putting it first): i, a 24yr old man, pissed (in) my couch because in the dream i was having i thought i was getting 1 over on my cat. then of course i texted the scenario to my brother and 2 best friends.

dreaming of exposing my cat loki to be a fraud and piss fucking my couch then texting my friends at 4am to tell them about what happened.

so these are fairly old pants and i have had to put a safety pin through the top. the button busted a while ago so the pin is good enough. so then when i go to take a piss and i undo the safety pin and i start my stream then i feel a massive pain in my nut sack, look down and i have pierced a pin hole in the bottom on my nuts.

i put a pin in my nuts.

using a "safety" pin to hold my pants up.

these two fuck ups are both somewhat related. explanation: i teach tennis, and i take ice in the mornings to put in the cooler so kids have cold water to drink throughout the day. here's me being smart, thinking i can save a bit of money by buying ice in 20lb bags and sticking in a freezer we keep in the garage mostly for meat, steak, fajita meat, chicken, etc. so, the cooler at my workplace really only needs 10lbs, so i portion out 10lbs of the ice and then take that to work. unbeknownst to me, the ice rolled off of something and knocked the door to the freezer slightly ajar. fast forward 24 hours: to this morning. i go out to the garage to get some ice, bigass puddle of water on the ground, easily 5ft in diameter, shit. go let mom and dad know, turns out most of the meat will be thrown away (some steak didn't get thawed at all so that's what's for dinner tonight, fuckyeah.jpg). i get to work after buying some ice at a grocery store, and i am hitting tennis balls up into the air for kids to hit like [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=8iclnhoaq9s&t=11), and the result is a fairly powerful shot. i hit this ball a little shorter than intended which allowed him to absolutely crush the ball. i imagine this kid managed to hit the ball at about 75 mph which is fairly fast for a non-professional player. the ball hit off the ground, ricochets off of the basket containing the tennis balls and right into my tip, left, and right nut (the ball got all three). ow.

ice knocks freezer open, thaws about $150 worth of steak & chicken, later on get hit in the nuts by a tennis ball flying at about 70mph.

not closing a freezer and getting nailed in the nuts with a tennis ball

so this was actually about a week ago, i just got lazy and ddnt post immediately. so my girlfriend was hitting my bong. its about two feet so i usually torch it for her and pull the bowl because she cant see when its burnt all the way. well this time i put just a wee bit too much bud in the bowl because she gave me the signal to pull it before it was done burning. so i pull it and i put my mouth above the bowl and suck the smoke up. ive done this hundreds of times before but this time i had to sneeze so i ended up opening my mouth more than it should have been and inhaling harder than i should have. i ended up sucking up the still burning cherry of the bowl and it went straight down my throat burning the shit out of everything it touched(i never felt it touch my mouth, it went straight to my throat). so i start coughing like crazy and run to the sink to spit it out. so im hacking up black shit at first(ash), then my spit turns white and bubbly(nothing wrong there), and then it starts to have a pinkish tinge to it. i kept coughing for about half an hour after this point, coughing up blood and pink shit the entire time. after about half hour, no more blood came up.

accidentally inhaled a burning cherry from a bong and coughed up blood

inhaling a cherry(not the fruit)

i got a droid razr m with verizon a couple months ago with a new phone number. a few days ago, i was contacted by the woman that used to have my new phone number. she left me a voicemail stating that she turned on her ipad for the first time in 5 months, and it loaded all the text messages i sent and received from my new number. she replied to my contacts, asking "who is this?", which confused all of my friends and family because it showed up as my name/number. my full name also loaded on her ipad. she hooked me up with the first screen shots, the last one is from my future husband who i accidentally texted after forgetting she could read all my messages. screenshots: http://imgur.com/a/dxdza at first, i thought it was verizon’s bad… but after they “investigated,” they were not at fault. i then contacted apple, where i immediately got transferred up to a tier 2 executive (this is big time, folks). his name is charles a.k.a “chaales.” at first he was very nice to me, and was like “omg this has never happened before!!” i thought to myself, “liars… i bet they just shennaniganed their way out of getting in trouble if this had happened before” (foreshadowing…cough cough). he filed an “urgent” report with top-level apple executives and probably consulted steve jobs via clairvoyant. after the 5-10 minute consultation with jobs, chaales called me back and proclaimed in an inspector gadget-esqe fashion, “wowsers! this was a toughie, but we got to the bottom of this.” after chaales told me how they were going to solve “my problem.” i told them thank you, and i mentioned i was contacting my lawyer because apple totally boned my privacy. chaales immediately put me on hold, and had to consult his boss. he got back on and said if i was contacting a lawyer, apple could no longer “help me” in this issue. good work, apple. ;)

damn you, ghost of steve jobs!

but apple fucked up more. steve jobs attacks from the grave (x-post from r/funny)

so i was fully naked jerking it to some good old internet porn. it's been a few days since i last had a date with jill and i felt like going for as long as i could. i was edging, getting near the point of cumming, for quite a while now and was near busting. anyways, i hear the door to the apartment open, a roommate is home early. well, shit, my underwear are on the other side of the room after a passionate throw for the the excitement of making some baby batter. anyways, i get up to put them on, but just at that moment, i went over the edge. scrambling for my underwear, i start cumming everywhere; my legs, the carpet, my hands, and for a good 5 seconds after putting on my underwear. i quickly throw on my shorts to cover my now cum stained underwear just in time. my roommate, hopefully suspected nothing and i went on my merry way of taking a shower and cleaning up my carpet.

close to cumming while jerking it, roommate comes home early, cum everywhere after a single slip of the hand.

jizzing all over the carpet

i read the story about the guy stomping the cup that he placed on a nail to keep it still and it reminded me of the time when i was a small child that knew everything at a young age. i had seen in some cartoon where a character stepped on a rake and it hit him in the face. since i was clearly a genius, i knew that the rake stomping bit was clearly bs and i went outside to prove it. i found a rake and placed it in the yard and then i stomped the ever loving shit out of it. you can imagine my surprise when an instant later i had a very sharp vertical pain emanating from my face as well as two busted lips. that day i had a tifu and a til moment in about a millisecond.

genius kid me stomped a rake and didn't expect to get hit in the face. got hit in the face.

another childhood tifu

edit: spoilers if you're crazy enough to watch it. i couldn't sleep last night (at a time that was technically today) so i decided to watch this movie, i watched the first one and personally i thought it was nothing, maybe one or two cringe-worthy scenes but i've seen worse, so i decided to watch the second one. i saw that it was black and white, i thought it would make it less effective, after watching it i'm glad it was. it was the single most fucked up movie i've ever seen. though at times i felt bad for the man that did the "surgery" (if you could call it that), as he was mentally disabled and no one loved him, not even his own mother who tried to murder him at one point. but there was one funny scene where b from the first movie (the human centipede was a movie within a movie here) was talking like the first movie was a block buster a-list success. i'm not even going to say the most fucked up scene unless asked. though i did fall asleep soon after finishing it, though i don't know if it's because i have a high tolerance for horror/gore, or because i took a sleeping pill before watching it or both.

do not watch this movie, you'll thank me, if you do watch it, i warned you.

watching the human centipede 2

first off, this actually happened about ten years ago, but i suddenly thought of this today.. it was a typical spring day, and i was in middle school, sitting in class and talking to a friend. i don't remember the details, but he told me a joke that i found extremely funny. for some odd reason, i responded to his joke by laughing hysterically and ended up whipping my head in a downward motion towards the desk where a mesh binder was placed. i had braces at the time, so they somehow ended up getting caught in some of the lacing of the mesh binder. the binder was something like this : http://cheapbinderstores.blogspot.com/2013/05/case-it-velcro-closure-2inch-ring-binder.html i spent at least 10 minutes facedown on the desk trying to "unbrace" myself from the binder while the class laughed at me.

i got my braces stuck on a binder

getting my braces stuck in a binder (nostalgia edition)

i just saw a post on the front page of funny about a nail being more aggressive on feet than legos, and it made me think of when i was young and possibly retarded. so a friend and i are approximately age 12, walking through a construction site. i see a large route 44 sonic cup (they are 44 ounces and made of styrafoam.) i'm thinking fuck this cup i'm gonna stomp this shit. but i some how miss, my inner angst wants to destroy this cup; so i must find something to keep it in place.... a board with a nail through it. i set this route 44 kingdom atop the nail for placement purposes, and sure enough i stomp on it. nail only went halfway into my foot. didn't get a tetnis shot, just rubbing alcohol and kept it wrapped up. every time i look back to that day, i think god damn i was fucking idiot.

put a cup on a nail and stomped.

thought of a childhood tifu

okay, this actually happened last month but i only found out about this subreddit today. i went over to my friends house to stay the night. for about half a week prior to the night, i had been having stomach cramps. **bad** cramps. the next morning, i farted and the fart woke me. it wasn't a regular everyday fart, but a shart. luckily, i always sleep on my stomach so there were no stains. i rolled off the top bunk (real men always call top bunk) as quietly as possible as i didn't want to wake my friend who is a heavy sleeper, ran as fast as i could towards the bathroom which was right across the hall, but before i could make it, i ran into my friends mother. she saw that i was hurrying to the toilet so she said "go." i ran in front of her, creating a trail of shit scent for her to walk straight into. i go into the bathroom and lock myself in for what seemed like a century. luckily, she had to go to work that day. about an hour went by before she left and i was still on the toilet. i wiped, flushed and ran straight to the shower, washed my pants which were beach shorts so they dried really quickly. chilled for about an hour before i left.

shat pants, friends mother smelt what i dealt, gives me a funny look whenever she sees me, which is quite often.

shitting my pants at my best friends house

yes, soup. my first error was misjudging the amount of water i needed to use. i’d never made this kind of soup before. i don’t do a whole lot of cooking. so, put the ingredients in the pot. in go the pieces of cut up carrot, and the cut up onion, the chicken legs. all in the pot. with too much water. the second error was not following my mothers specific advice of tasting as i went. i just put it all in the pot, brought it to the boil, and then reduced to a simmer. left it for about an hour. when i came back to it, it smelt pretty good. had i tasted it, i would have realised that something had gone wrong, and instead of delicious chicken soup, i had slightly chickeny water. i cooked up some noodles and put them and the chicken water in to the bowl. it wasn’t until i sat down to eat that i realised that things had not gone according to plan. i was pretty hungry, so i ate the bowl of noodles, the chicken bits were ok, but the broth was not the best. i figured that i could remove some of the water from the pot, and let it simmer. let the excess water cook off without hopefully losing too much flavour. so i turn the stove back on, and go back into the living room to wait. which brings us to my third error. falling asleep. i dozed off on the couch, and woke up later to a funny smell. it smelt really odd. i couldn’t quite place it. then i realised what was happening and sat up with a start. i rushed to the kitchen and flung the door open, to be greeted by floor to ceiling smoke. thick white smoke. it reminded me of being in the bathroom when it gets filled up with steam. the smell was awful. i turned the stove off and opened the window. the exhaust fan was already on, but was ineffectual. i grabbed a tea towel, and used it to move the soup pot over to the sink, filling it half way with water. this seemed to stop new smoke from forming. i rushed out of the kitchen and ran into the other room to get some air. it was impossible to breathe in the kitchen. the living room wasn’t much better. as soon as i’d opened the kitchen door, the smoke had started pouring out. i kept going toward the back of my apartment; the room furthest from the kitchen was the bathroom. since it’s cold out, and i’d had the heater on, all three rooms had closed doors, so the bathroom air was relatively untouched. once i’d got my breath, i left the bathroom closing the door behind me. back in the kitchen, it was still pretty bad. i waved a tea towel at the window in a fanning motion to try and clear the air. i had to keep going back and forth from kitchen to bathroom to get air. i kept going back and forth for a bit, but it wasn’t making much difference. i had opened up all the windows in the apartment, but left the bedroom door shut throughout the whole event, with the hope that it would be preserved from the smoke. i didn’t want to open the front door as it leads into the communal stairwell which is closed in. as it was pretty late at night, i didn’t want to panic or smoke out my neighbours. after an hour or so, i’d done as much as i could do. i went to sleep that night hungry, with the smell of smoke in my nostrils. this all happened on sunday. only today has the place really started to smell normal. i’ve used fabreeze on the carpets in the living room, and burned a fair bit of incense. the kitchen still smells pretty smoky. i had done laundry on the day i tried to cook the soup, and had several shirts hanging in the living room by the heater drying. so i’ve had smoke scented shirts at work for part of the week. the pot didn’t make it. i tried to clean it, but got the impression that it would never be clean again. i threw it out tonight after trying to clean it again. i think i got some kind of closure throwing that pot away. it was almost cathartic like writing this out. i feel like i can move on with my life now.

: don’t fall asleep if you have stuff on the stove.

burning soup.

this one's long, sorry. some background, i just graduated from college. i've had a best friend for about 3 years (let's call him andy). andy and i have had crazy sexual tension since day one but we had never acted on it. andy has a roommate, ben, an extremely good looking soccer player. since andy and i are friends and ben is generally a homebody, the three of us ended up spending a lot of time together in their apartment the two years that they lived there, watching tv on their plushy 3-person couch. story time! one saturday night in february, i drop by andy's to pregame. when i get there andy's being super lame and insists that he is too sick to go out. while i'm trying to guilt andy into going, ben mentions that he is feeling kind of ancy and so with some gentle coaxing ben and i end up going out without andy. while we're out i notice that ben is hitting on me and i'm like "hell yes, getting on that" (did i mention ben is really hot?) and we end up going back to his place to do it on the couch. ben and i hooked up a few times that month, always on his couch, before our attraction naturally fizzled out and we resumed just being friendly. one of the last times we hooked up i was wearing my lucky panties (they have shrooms printed on them). as i was getting dressed to leave afterwards, ben began straightening the couch cushions and pulled the panties out from between them and handed them to me, "don't forget your shroom panties!". i wore them and left. andy never knew ben and i were hooking up. fast forward two months, andy and i, in the heat of graduation frenzy, start fucking like rabbits. we fucked everywhere, my place, his place, bar bathrooms, you name it. this went on for about two weeks and then stopped. ben didn't know. fast forward some more to a couple days ago, ben and andy are moving out! i offer to help pack so i stop by. ben steps out of the room for a minute, i'm working on taking down some posters and andy begins to remove the sofa cushions and finds my panties wedged into the side. andy: yo i found your panties! me: what? andy: your shroom panties. i guess you left them here when we were hooking up some time me: oh shit i was looking for these! ben walks into the room as andy is throwing the panties to me. ben: are those your panties? i thought i gave those back to you. andy: you found these already? why'd you put them back in the couch? ben: i didn't! she put them on and she left...unless i was way drunker than i thought i was andy: wait what? awkward. i feign confusion, but there's no hiding it now. as we talk, it is soon clear to both guys that i was sleeping with both of them, on the same couch, often while the other was asleep in the next room. i quickly excused myself and i haven't talked to either of the guys since. at least i have my lucky panties back right?

my lucky panties failed me, but they also got me laid, so i'm having trouble assessing my feelings towards them right now.

sleeping with my best friend and his roommate on the same couch and having them both find out about it at the same time.

this actually happened 3 years ago, but it's a worthy fail moment to retell. xd so several years ago, i got guitar hero 4 world tour for pc because i don't own any consoles. when playing it, i found that the fret keys are mapped to "zxcvb" and strum is the "up arrow". after playing it for a while i begin to think "man, this sucks i want to play as if it was like guitar hero", so i remapped the keys so that the frets are now the first 5 fn keys (f1, f2, f3, f4, f5) and strum is pause/break and therefore can play like [frets on fire](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/67/frets_on_fire_man.png). i ended up getting pretty good at it, could play hard/expert songs with 90%+ accuracy. so this is where the fuck up happened… fast forward a bit forward, a lady friend at my school had a birthday party and invited us all to go bowling. after bowling we went to the arcade and what caught my eye was "ohhhh sheeeeeiiiit they have guitar hero". of course never played with a real guitar hero controller, my curiosity got the best of me. so before i started playing, my lady friend came over and asked if she could join. "of course you can", i replied. so being the gentleman i am, i let her chose the mode and song. she chose "vs mode" and set her difficulty level to easy, since she never played. being the badass (i though i was), i chose hard. now bear in mind... my super awesome guitar shredding skills were on the keyboard. i ended up getting my ass kicked and booed off by the game.

tried to impress a lady friend on guitar hero at a birthday, but ended up failing miserably.

while trying to impress a lady friend using guitar hero.

so i thought i share this story with you, because *sharing is caring* and it amused so much people over the time and i thought maybe some of you might be amused too. and yeah, if you thought it's not a real tifu, more likely a **"some years ago ifu"**... before starting the real story, here is some context: **me** - [alpha as fuark](https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-3h-b7afnpe4/tqhdidpg0ki/aaaaaaaakju/qipbmwzysn4/s400/boss.gif); lazy as fuark; not the class clown but the guy who can't stfu **the one teacher** - [chubby](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/2765165/chubby-cuby-cake-boy-o.gif); young (below 30); tried to hit back on me, so often we entertained the whole classroom **school** - my last year, half a year before getting school leaving certificate/a level/higher school certificate (*get the term you understand*), traditionally students of the last year organize a prom to get some money... at the beginning i have to tell you i wanted to **take revenge on him**, because at the previous exam this the teacher let me stand up and beginning a police check because everybody knew i was cheating on every test, so he examined my desk and me but without success (and no, not a police control like in america with [pepper spray](http://www.dotgif.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/pepperspray.gif), tazer and other violent crazy shit) so prom night was on, all students, teachers and families of students was there (families leave earlier, so they don't see their children drinking, **but regretfully my family left not early enough!**) i start my [heavy drinking and partying](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8p6h65wks1qmiff2o1_500.gif) like there is no tomorrow. unfortunately there was a tomorrow and my memory was nearly erased, some dark memories were still there, but if you ever were drunk like a fish, you will know that you never want to know what you did... after i woke up and turn on the tv, decided to spend the whole day in bed and didn't even thinking on using facebook, my sister decided to come in and ask **"soooo... do you even know what you did yesterday?"**, "i've done quite a lot, but i'm pretty sure you will tell me something i don't know" i answered. my stomach was turning like a fan, don't know if it's because of the hangover or thanks to the story i was about to hear. my mum and dad already joined my sister, **because three storytellers are better than one** i think. so they told me **i was hammered quicker than usain bolt runs** (yep, shouldn't have drunken a bottle captain morgan alone while all the others were listening to the a speech of our principal, maybe my mistake). moved around with my mates, i met my family tried to speak to them, but [not really capable of speaking in my condition](http://i1046.photobucket.com/albums/b462/jessicaroseish/gif%20-%20no%20tumblr/luke-drunk.gif). so as fate willed the teacher was coming to us, saw me pretty drunk with my family around me, thinking i will not talk big. so yeah alcohol is a bitch. so i was mumbling around some things no one understanded and tried to be funny, but failed. so apparently i changed my tactics. i approached his wife beneath him and said **"soooooo... yooouuu are his wifeeeeey?!?!?!"** with a [drunken look of expectancy](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/oh-goodie.gif). at this point somebody should have stopped me, because everybody knew, this won't end well (but even i wouldn't prevent me, i'm just too funny). she responded with a confident "yes". i handed her my hand for a handshake (what a shit funny sentence), and before she touches it i said loud and clearly: ***"my deepest condolences!"*** ...[oooooooohhhhhh!](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/supa-hot-fire.gif) [oh my fukin'](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/oh-boy.gif) ... [did i really](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/bites-fist.gif)... [what the f](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/friday-damn.gif)... **but i think revenge was taken.** i was told [my mates were laughing their ass off](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/spongebobmoviehillbillylol.gif), rolling on the floor, tears running them down... the wife withdrawed her hand so fast, she might have **break the sonic barrier**, people said. my family was so embarressed of my behaviour they turned around and left the place. so i was laying in my bed, a slight giggle came from me before i realized he is one of the teachers which have to grade me and [decides if i succeed or fail](http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/wuhwhat.gif) in graduating... yep i was pretty fucked up... the first days of school after the prom i decided to be "ill", just to skip the gossip chats about the prom... at my first real day at school after prom i was welcomed by many people i didn't even know, legends have been told about me, the shiny knight who bravely fought against the dragon(, or a snorlax, depends on the view) and will be fallen in 6 months during the finals... yep pretty sure i guess... at the first meeting with the teacher, he just asked "and... are you sober yet?!" with some of the [scariest rape face](http://i.minus.com/ifhutgqjrnmuj.gif) i have ever seen in my life... maybe he was looking forward to my finals . .. ... i added some situation-related gifs... why?! because fuck you, that's why!

*i was so hammered that i said to my teachers wife "my deepest condolences" that she is his wife in my graduation year*

denoucing my teacher before my final graduation exams

god fucking dammit. so i cheated super hard on my chem final exam (got the answers before the test), and proceeded to get a b (aka not failing the class). i was super fucking happy i hadn't failed. my buddy knew i had it and asked if he could have it after i used it. i didn't care, but i told him that if he got caught, to, and i quote, "not nark on me". he proceeded to use it, and get caught (you have to be real fucking dumb to get caught cheating in this class). and when he was threatened with 10 days (just a threat), he gave up my name. i have my morals. i knew that if i did get caught, that i would not give up who i got it from because fuck it, i made this bed, and i'm gonna have to sleep in it, but he fucking sold me down the river. so yep, here i am, suspended on the last fucking day of my junior year. i failed the class, btw. edit: i went back after they got out to take my last final. after that i went to see the counselor, and managed to not need to take summer school! still have to retake it, but during next year so fuck it.

cheating doesn't pay

cheating

i sometimes work from home, and today was one of them. needless to say, i am on reddit and facebook, while making calls. in our work chat room (only for employees, no customers), a question was asked, which i knew the answer was in one of our blog posts, which are listed in a google doc. i do my command c, command v and enter. but the google docs and copy/paste gods hate me. because... earlier in that day, my friend was going through a divorce, and her stb ex-husband was making her life difficult. i told her to send pics of some of her more intimate parts, and tell him that he used to own them, but now they belonged to someone else, her. somehow it got to cow parts, so i googled a subreddit for cow udders to post, but just came up with a subreddit of women with huge tits that they were calling udders. worked well enough for a haha. except... instead of the support document link i wanted posted in my company chat room... it posted the dirty subreddit. yep. lesson here kids: look before you hit enter when copying and pasting.

i meant to send a support document to a chat room at work, but i sent boobies instead.

at work - multitasking and reddit do not work well together. i'm probably fired.

ok so i didnt fuck up by going to the dentist. i'm glad i did. but i fucked up because over the past 5 years my old dentist said my teeth were fine and i just needed to brush and floss regularly. i'll admit i didn't floss nearly enough (like none at all), but every check up showed my teeth as healthy and cavity free. my old dentist retired recently so i switched to a new dentist and went for a check up today. well we started off with a deep (fuckin ow) cleaning. my gums were bleeding all over the damn place. apparently dentists are supposed to dig in your teeth and get all the shit out from in between instead of just scrubbing the surface with fluoride. as my check up progressed, it became clear that i had some serious issues built up from over the years. my old dentist had told me i had healthy teeth when i actually had a total of 23 cavities. also my wisdom teeth are coming in (yay). i didn't think it was that big of a deal. i mean, i've had cavities before, i'll just get them filled. turns out, that many fillings is kind of really god damn expensive, and my insurance only covers $2000. so now i have to pay $3700 for all my fillings and shit.

i have a fuck-load of cavities and it's expensive.

going to the dentist

so, i'm out really late/early partying with friends because one was leaving today. we get back to this one guy's penthouse(a guy i met like two days prior), and continue to drink and smoke a few bowls. so we are smoking a bit in this guy's bedroom because whatever reason. after smoking everyone slowly start headed back to the living room. it's down to me, penthouse guy's cousin, and this chick. i leave not thinking much of it, but about 15-20 minutes later everyone was going to head out to continue the party. so penthouse guy asks where his cousin was, and i told him i was pretty sure his cousin was in his bedroom. given the title, i am sure you know what he found. he comes out cursing and yelling loud enough for everyone to hear "that bitch's tits are hanging out!" he was furious, so we did a number of shots i am sure i don't want to remember.

told a prospective friend that his cousin was getting it on in his bed.

alerting everyone of sexy times

i'll start of the story with why i was in such a jumpy mood. at about 6:30 this morning i started having this weird dream where my backyard was covered in spiderwebs and i started picking at the strings of one to get it to fall so that i could get across the yard and back into the house. i think i was at the point where i was half-dreaming and half-awake and i swear to god i felt this big-ass spider land straight on my face in the dream and in real life at the same time. i instantly woke up and freaked out and jumped out of bed, and the "spider" flew off of me and onto the bed. i must have hallucinated because i swear i could actually see the spider there on the bed for a few seconds and then it vanished. the feel of it on my face and seeing it felt so real that i'm still not %100 sure that it didn't actually happen after that living nightmare i decided i could no longer go back to sleep and went downstairs to take a shower. i started the shower up and took a piss in the toilet, then as i look over the the basket of towels by the shower there's this big ass brown spider right on one of the towels. deciding to be brave i lift the towel up and dangle it over the toilet and try to shake the spider off. this spider definitely lifts and would not come off of the towel so i shook really hard and lost grip of the towel and of course it landed straight in the piss-water in the toilet. my immediate reaction was to grab the dry end of the towel and lift it out, and then of course the spider started running up the tower towards me to i let go of the tower and got piss everywhere. i then ran out of the bathroom ass-naked (luckily no-one was downstairs yet) grabbed a cup and trapped the bugger. to my credit i am not usually terrified of spiders but i do live in an area with brown recluses and this one looked too big to be a garden spider to me, although it most likely was not a brown recluse either. most embarrassing part is that i am a full-grown twenty year old man.

saw spider on towel, made piss-molotov cocktail with towel.

getting piss everywhere because of a spider

so i’m relatively new to reddit but here's a shameful story that, although ended somewhat triumphantly, was a personal defeat. this story is long and happened awhile back but i think a good one. i went camping with some friends and we just got back from drunken canoeing so we were extremely hungry. we started the fire and cooked burgers and hot dogs. while waiting for the food to cook we drank and smoked. after the festivities, we ate to our drunken hearts content. unfortunately, the pre game upset my stomach and for some reason caused me to only have partial control over my bladder. i don't know if the beer, or beer mixed with smoking caused this reaction but i couldn't hold in the undercooked food. so minutes later i can sense the explosive embarrassment wanting to project everywhere. i calmly collected my sporadic thoughts and told everyone "be right back, going the bathroom." luckily i got out of the shelter/cabin without anyone noticing the shit that was about to come out my ass. at this point my inner anguish is nervously creeping toward the surface and i become the worlds speed walking champion with ass cheeks clenched tight enough to hold a needle as i dash toward the bathroom. it was nighttime so my inner ninja kept telling me "you did it /r/anoriginailname!!!!,no can see you walking idiotically....we're going to make it!!!!" but...i failed and shit myself. the plopping noises of poop bubbles continued with every shameful step to the bathroom, which thankfully was empty. so there i sat, a defeated and ashamed 22 year old that just shit his pants. as every minute passed, the smell of burgers, hot sauce, hotdogs, beer, and bad times heighten my self-embarrassment. i kept telling myself that if i walked back to the campground it would be obvious by the smell and sight that i had shit myself. so i crafted a plan to prevent myself from being the humor for the next couple of years. frantically i began to wipe my trunks furiously with toilet paper removing the brown matter from my clothing. however, my actions were futile and caused a now smeared and worse mess. i was at rock bottom...and my dignity was near gone butt (hehe) then i remembered! earlier in the morning i had used someone’s shampoo they had left behind when i took a shower in the campground showers. this was my ace in the whole! so i wiped my ass and slowly crept around the corner in pink panther fashion avoiding any human contact. i open the shower door and…the shampoo is gone. fuck! so i open the next shower…nothing...i was getting hopeless and then yes!...the next shower over had a bar of soap. now normally i don't ever…ever, use some strangers random bar of soap…especially at a campground with hundreds of people but i had no choice (i’m just weird and feel grossed out that someone had possibly rubbed their sweaty balls with that soap but i guess i was about to do worse). i got on my knees and scrubbed until there were no more brown stains on my trunks. i washed my butt cheeks to their natural color and triumphantly stood proud knowing i avoided complete embarrassment. drunken head held high, i walked out of that shower feeling like a man but what goes up must come down. while still in a drunken stupor i aimlessly walked back to my campsite and stepped on a thorn bush with all my weight (i was barefoot during this entire fiasco). at the time i was so drunk that a thorn going straight into my toe felt like a little prick but the next day proved me wrong. the thorn had gone in deeper than i realized and caused me to develop a slight pimp lean to avoid any pressure on my left toe (the toe closest to the big toe). so although i avoided embarrassment i still didn't win because walking for the next couple of weeks sucked. any pressure on that toe felt like the thorn was being re-inserted into the same spot but hey…no one knows i shit myself expect yall. thanks for reading.

drunken canoeing, smoking, and eating undercooked food made me a walking diarrhea dispenser and although public embarrassment was avoided, a painful pimp lean was developed.

drinking, smoking, and eating undercooked food on a camping trip

my friends and i decided to grab a few drinks (not beers but mixed tequilas and shit) it was pretty chill at first but after a few hours i said fuck it let's get wasted so we drank from one bar to another until we pretty much got carried away and i blacked out. the moment i gained consciousness, i was lying on the sidewalk next to the boarding house i live in (how could i miss?) checked what time it is--hold on, *where the fuck is my watch?* i got up and my feet felt wet, as i looked down--*where the fuck are my shoes?* i checked my pockets, all empty. also, my elbows were bleeding and my eyeglasses were missing. still too buzzed to care, i assumed i left my wallet and phone in one of the bars and tripped while walking home, so i just went inside and luckily the gatekeeper's there to open me up. next morning i asked my friend online if he remembers how i got home and where he last saw my things. he told me i never took out my phone the whole night, and he let me rode the taxi first. i may have left my wallet in the cab, but i can never remember that. still unanswered questions, i asked the gatekeeper to check if he saw my shoes outside and that's when he had a cleared doubt on his face and told me what he saw last night. according to him, while he's peeking through the door he saw **a group of fucking thugs** circling me lying down on the ground. giggling. laughing. it was so dark he couldn't identify who i was so he just shrugged it off. i couldn't fucking believe it, i'm not sure if i got stripped off or looted and the only left of me was my clothes. i was almost afraid thinking about it and at the same time i wanted to punch my self in the face. now i'm phoneless, blind, broke and i'm too scared to go outside after what happened. edit: if i have to pinpoint the blurry things of what i did during blackout, i can only remember being at the front table inside a strip club. my friend confirmed we actually did go to a strip club.

got wasted passed out on the street group of thugs "looted" my phone, wallet, watch, eyeglasses and shoes.

passing out on the sidewalk

i wasn't feeling good this morning but i decided to go to work anyway. it was just a stomach ache. surely i could push through it. so i go into work today only to find that they want me to stand in 106 degree weather for 5 and a half hours and keep tourists out since the business has a buy-out today. one hour into it, my stomach is in great pain, but i'm putting on a great act and doing my job. 45 minutes later, i'm dripping in sweat, dizzy and constantly taking breaks to go back in for some air. 45 more minutes later, the manager has me come inside to work at the counter because i can't even fucking stand at this point. first costumer i get asked me if i was okay, saying she thought i looked like i was going to pass out. all i could manage on the head set was "jon, i'm not gonna make it" before i ran to the bathroom. only to find that all the stalls are full. unable to hold it in, i throw up in the sink. then it gets clogged. i freak out and turn the water on, but it only gets more clogged. i had zero fucking clue what to do at this point, so i do what any good human with a soul would do, and walk out like a little bitch and hide in the break room. i eventually have to go back so that i can clock out and throw up some more, but i know that right now, at this very moment, one of my co-workers is plotting my death as they clean my puke out of a sink. i think i'm quitting..

went to work sick, stood in 106 degree weather for hours, puked in the sink, got it clogged, one of my co-workers is going to have to clean that shit up and is probably plotting my death at this very moment..

going t work sick

we were loading up the minivan with stuff, with my car parked next to it in the driveway. my little brother, for some reason, just wanted to stay in the car, so i opened the door and left the windows open (it was hot today). he kept on complaining that he was hot and didn't listen to repeated commands to just get out of the car. eventually, he told us he wanted some water. my mom was also getting a little irritated at both him and me, complaining the whole time about how all we do is just sit around and do nothing. i was getting a little irritated at this point. my mom reminds me that there is a bottle of water, but didn't specify where it was. i, being annoyed at my mom and forgetting that i left my car door opened, opened the passenger side of the van into my car door, in an attempt to look for this water bottle. my mom tells me that the bottle of water is in my car in the cup holder. she's already pissed off at this point by me and my brother, and it was at this point that she pointed out that there was a long paint mark left on the passenger side of the van. seeing this, she screams at me to leave and go back to our new house. doesn't help that we just got our minivan back today, after spending over $3k to get the transmission fixed. my dad comes back at around 5:30 today and i don't think he'll be happy about the paint mark. when he gets super super pissed, he tends to let out his anger on inanimate objects. i anticipate my laptop and my phone to be potential victims tonight.

got a little annoyed by mom complaining i was a lazy slob, left paint mark on minivan in the process of looking for a water bottle to appease my little brother, and am anticipating my laptop and phone to be destroyed by my dad in a fit of rage tonight.

being annoyed at my mom

title explains it all really, but i'll go into depth. i have these females cousins who in my opinion are smoking hot, like seriously fit...one night i was staying over my 2nd cousins house for the night because my parents were out and couldn't trust me in the house alone. we were just talking late at night when she just kissed me..just right there and then, all i managed to say was "what did you just do that for?", when she kissed me again and again, eventually i gave in and we ended up having sex right there in her room. the next day i woke up stark naked realising what i did, popped on my clothes and went for breakfast.. later, around afternoon, i went to go and feed my nans cats whilst she was on holiday, and this time my first cousin was there(she goes round to our nans all the time because they have a very high gadget house). we're like really close and we got talking and i mentioned what i did last night.. she was shocked, obviously, i had sex with one of my cousins. then she kissed me. this time i had the chance to speak and said,"delilah we're cousins we can't do this, please" which she then removed her trousers and top and climbed onto me. and i did it again, we had sex.. now one knows i've had sex twice, the other doesn't think i've done it with anyone else. and i'm no longer a virgin, maybe one thing comes out of it. also we're all 15 years old. don't worry though i still fed the cats

had sex with my cousins seperatley in less that a day

going on an incest binge

so yesterday around 5 or so i met up with a friend for drinks. nothing to spectacular here, we drank, played pool, and did some shots....... quite a few shots. we ended up bar hopping and probably went to 4 or so bars(i believe). we ended up on his side of town near closing time, so we headed to his place to crash for the night, on the way there i informed my friend that i had taken some xanax earlier in the day (about 1mg which is way more than i usually take for my anxiety but had a very stressful day) and that sometimes with that level of xanax in me and mixture of alcohol i can piss myself. he jokingly told me his son wasn't home and had plastic sheets if i needed. we make it to his place and drink a couple beers and i pass out on his couch. i wake up i'm guessing around 5 or 6 am and that's when i realized this wetness beneath me, i had pissed myself. this wasn't some tiny bit of piss. this was a case of beer been holding it in for a year type piss. so there i am laying in my own piss on my buddies couch, the first time i had ever been to his place. thoughts of killing myself playing through my mind. i figure if i do it right here on the couch maybe the blood will cover it, then again i'm sure my body would shit and piss when it's over anyways so that's not a good idea. i go and find a towel and lay it down hoping to soak it up, it did a decent job but not perfect. after many thoughts of what to do i fall asleep again, in my piss. my buddy wakes up and lets his dog out. i wake up to this, realizing oh shit i pissed all over his couch wtf will i do? how do i tell him? do i tell him? hey maybe i can blame his dog.... yeah that will work..... no that's fucked up i can't do that. so there i lay still on my piss..... get up and smoke a cigarette, bullshitting with my buddy.... and finally i say, "so remember our conversation about xanax last night? well it happened." he pretty much laughed about it and poked fun at me. i asked him if he had washer and dryer there he said yes, he needed to wash the couch covers anyways. he was really cool about as i'm embarrassed as all fuck. i apologize a thousand times, told him i was contemplating blaming his awesome dog(which in no way would work... at all) and he laughed some more. he gave me a ride to my car, i was 2 hours late to work, i'm now sitting at work feeling like shit still. a side note, i don't usually drink when i take xanax (breathing is good, i like to breath). it's not a good idea regardless if you sometimes piss yourself while drinking while on it. sadly i know better because this has happened twice before while on a high for me dose, but in the privacy of my own home. oh yeah, throw away, but i kind of like the name so i might just keep it.

i need diapers.

i warned you...

i needed to look up information on what bill collectors are allowed to do (stupid verizon, different story.) so i went to the public computer lab on campus. these particular machines are set up in really long rows with the tower on the desk next to the monitor and each computer/monitor evenly spaced. the only open computer was in the middle of a long row next to a girl who had about 5 documents open between spreadsheets, power points, word, internet and whatever. i tried to log in but it took longer than the 15 seconds i was willing to wait, so i assumed it froze and i needed to restart it. i reach up and hold down the power button of the closest computer in reach, but after about 5 seconds the tower went dark but my monitor didn't. weird, i think, but hey it finally logged me in! i look back at the now shut off computer, then over at the girls monitor and to my horror it's totally blank. i completely froze for what felt like forever but was probably a few seconds. i considered getting my crap and just bolting... maybe she wouldn't know it was me? after another second i manage to stammer out "i just shut of your computer huh?" the girl was really cool about it and made it seem like i didn't just totally ruin hours of work, but i felt like a freaking bafoon and just got my crap and left anyway.

accidentally turned off a girls computer on campus and probably destroyed tons of hard work. ran.

hard-shutting down a random girls computer on campus... while she probably had unsaved work

every day i refill my bottle of water, put it in the freezer, and wait just before it gets totally frozen so it's sort of like a water slush. right now i just got it out of the freezer at the perfect time. not too watery but not too frozen. perfection. well, first sip i take a shard of ice rockets out of the bottle and, sure enough, scrapes the crap out of my tongue. so i'm sitting here, over the sink with a bleeding tongue spitting out blood. my stinging tongue and the taste of blood don't go well.

just add ice cubes to a glass of water for thirst quenching goodness.

freezing my water

so after school some of my friends and i decided to head by goodwill to buy some cheap clothes. i set down my back pack, which contained my (300 dollar) glasses and new, somewhat expensive jacket. soon a mega shopping spree ensues and completely forget about my backpack. *fast forward 45 minutes...* as we're leaving i decided to throw a hat that i bought into my backpack. that's when i realize. my jacket is missing. thinking i must've just put it down somewhere, i rush back, telling my friends i'd be back soon. i get back, and search the store. i went everywhere, looked through every single rack of clothes. it's gone. by the time my friends arrive, i've accepted the fact that it's gone. defeated, we leave. as we're walking out, i check my backpack for a soda i left to drink later. and that's when i realize. my fucking glasses are gone too. we head back once again, but just like my jacket, they're gone without a trace. i gave the store my phone number, and details about the missing items, but i believe they were stolen from my backpack. the missing glasses will be a bitch being i can't drive anymore. or see 15 feet in front of me.

traded a flannel and a hat for the ability to drive and warmth.**

going to goodwill

it's been a bad week for me. all i've been doing is fucking things up, today was not the exception. friday starts, school is having it's annual field day on a close track field, it's all about running. since days before the event, my sister (one year younger than me; i guess i can say she is chubby) has been saying that she is not going to run. the day comes, second event in her category, 50 meter run (i think). i'm waiting for the race i was going to participate to start. i tell her "do your best" and she looks at me in a "bitch please" way. the race starts, she is walking. at this point, her friends are almost getting to the finish line. our p.e. teacher tells her she gotta run, or else he will take 30 points of her grade (nice motivation, huh?). i decided to run behind her and put my hand in her back to make her run a little (everything seemed perfect in my mind...). she starts running; the moment a placed my hand on her back, she loses balance and falls (i did fell too..). i get her up and she finish the race, everyone from her class and mine is laughing. she goes to the bleachers and went back to the waiting line; my friends are laughing, they think i did it as a joke. about 5 mins later i go to check on her. her right arm and knee got scraped and she is crying. she calls mom. mom is there raging at me. i feel like shit, tried to help my sister and end up hurting her when i'm supposed to protect her. i can't get this feeling of guilt and remorse out of me.

i won the "worst brother of the year" and it's only april.

trying to motivate my sister

my sister is in the army and has been having health issues. today she went in to have a surgical procedure done. the procedure took longer than anyone expected it to. being the nurse of the family they all came to me and asked me to call and see what i could find out. i tried to explain to them that we wouldn't be able to get much information until the procedure was over and because of hippa laws that i wouldn't even get that much information then. they still wanted me to try. this is where it gets a little tricky. i call into the hospital and give them my name and the nurse apologizes profusely and puts me on hold. my first reaction is "wow they have really nice nurses." the next thing i hear is a nurse answering the phone, saying she is the charge nurse and that she will help any way that she can. i explain to her that my sister came in to have a procedure done and that we have not yet heard anything and that it was distressing to the family. by this time i had switched into profession nurse mode and was very professional. this time the charge nurse apologized that we had not heard anything at all and that it must have been an oversight and that she would find out anything she could. i was on hold for maybe 5 minutes when the charge nurse came back (again apologizing for the delay) and told me my sister was in recovery and that everything had gone good. then she proceeded to tell me every detail about the surgery, which doctor she had and how good he was. at this point i hear her say, "oh the doctor just walked onto the floor, hold one more second and you can speak to him." this time i spoke to the doctor and he went over it and explained in detail everything. i could not believe i was getting all this information! i thanked the doctor and said about how nice and accommodating everyone was and went to hang up. this is when i found out i had fucked up. they answered with "no problem colonel (insert my last name here), if you need anything else please call back!" i was so confused i hung up. about 15min later i got a return call (not sure how they got my number, caller id maybe) and i had an irrate nurse on the phone yelling at me for impersonating an officer and that it was punishable by jail time. i tried to explain to her that at no time did i say i was an officer and i wasn't even aware they thought i was until we hung up. the nurse, very agitated, goes. i have the paper right here it says colonel (insert last name) is on the phone. that's when it hit me. i had to explain to this charge nurse that no i did not say colonel i had said cornelia, my first name. she was very flustered because i believe at this time she realized the hospital had violated some very strict hippa laws. this time i apologized and hung up. i am still waiting for the mps to call me. **

** apparently my first name (cornelia) sounds like colonel when spoken to a busy nurse over the phone!

impersonating an army officer.

a throwaway for obvious reasons. tonight, i went to ihop. i usually do this with some friends, late night breakfast. sit down, chill, shoot the breeze and eat. i get my usual, bacon and eggs, with hash browns and pancakes. i decided to try something different, and get these pancakes that have like choco bits in them or something. i believe that's what set off the following unfortunate events. we're done eating, and like we always do, we sit around and talk to each other and the waiter/waitress. i feel something a-rumbling downstairs. not sure if i should deal with it or not, i pass it off as just gas. mistake number one made. the sensation doesn't go away, and my friends and i head back to the car. in fact, the rumbling seems to be growing in intensity. again, being the idiot i am, i decide to just bear with it until i get home. mistake number two. no more than two minutes after driving away, i'm literally squeezing my ass cheeks together, trying to keep whatever beast is trying to rear its head out of my ass. i'm starting to sweat, concentrating on not letting anything spill out. i try to make up an excuse to my friends about why i'm sweating (since they are asking), and i roll down the window. i probably shouldn't have done that. i had to shift my position to be able to crank the handle of the window crank. mistake number three. shit literally starts exploding out of my ass right then and there. i can fucking feel it, hot and gooey. this is definitely not good. here i am sitting in the car with a bunch of my friends, with liquid shite running down my pants and legs, and straight into my shoes. i'm pretty sure it went through both my boxers and my pants, and seeped into the damn car seat. i roll down the window some more so any smell that may have come from what just happened could hopefully ventilate out the window. so i sit in the car for the next 30 minutes, while we go around and drop off my other friends. after two friends get dropped off, one of my friends speaks up and mentions the smell of shit. fuck. i come up with an excuse that maybe we passed by something on the road. they buy it, but then roll up the window due to me trying to cover up my embarrassment. fortunately, i was the next to be dropped off. i get out of the car, and i don't look back. i didn't even bother to chance a glance at whether the car seat had shit all over it. all i could concentrate on was getting inside my house, burning my clothes, and weeping in the shower. i'm pretty sure they are gonna figure out that the smell had something to do with me. i'm gonna get shit about it tomorrow.

my ass turns into a volcano and spews liquid hot shit inside my friend's car.**

sitting in my shit covered pants for 30 minutes, and possibly ruining a car seat

last friday my friend j had surgery on his chest. monday morning he comes into our first period chemistry class and i give him the usual slap on the chest as a greeting (i'm not the least bit articulate verbally so i avoid speaking as much as possible) he winces and i ask why. he tells me he had surgery and that it was complicated to explain, but said he had a [port](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/port_%28medical%29) removed. i'm not educated medically, and having severe adhd i quickly forget this. j is a pretty shy guy, even around his friends, and when word got out that he had surgery everybody was questioning him, and he always gave the same answer, "it's hard to explain.", but being the curious teenager i am i kept prodding him for answers. school ends, and our group of friends is hanging out in the animation classroom at our school. finally, i blurted out "what is it cancer or something? that's why your hairs so sparse right, chemotherapy? "(he has the thinnest, waviest hair on a 17 year old you've ever seen) he stared at me for a second, like a *gollum assuming bilbo has the ring* stare, then quickly retorted "no?" after everybody else went home he asked me if was that obvious. i replied with "not really." we went the rest of the day as usual, did a quick bro-fist/daps, then went our separate ways. still haven't mentioned anything about it and probably never will. **

**; friend had surgery to remove cancer related instrument, almost made him give up his biggest secret to all of his friends

almost making my friend tell my group of friends he has cancer

so as a bit of background information, i tend to sleep on the couch in the living room, and pressed up against the back of the couch is my computer desk. last night i fell asleep pretty early and wound up waking up around 3am, nothing to unusual. while laying on the couch i began redditing on my phone some and it was shortly thereafter i noticed that my older brother was using my computer judging from the furious clicking i figured he was simply playing some videogame. late in the night but not unusual as we all tend to be somewhat night owls. then i noticed a strange sound, sort of a rustling. and also the clicks per minute went wayyy down. odd i thought to myself, i wonder what he could be doing. oh god no. on my computer in the din of the night i then began to hear the tell tale signs of a fap session. a major one by sounds of it to, i could just faintly make out the sounds of ill repute from the headphones (my headphones!) he was wearing and some heavy breathing was definitely becoming a thing. so there i lay, my brother about 6 feet away beating the bishop. my eyes wide and frozen in horror i lay there not sure of what to do. this went on for about half an hour to 45 minutes before he started clapping my mouse against the desk repeatedly, and then suddenly it was all over. his assualt on the clergy apparently over, my brother let out a very audible, "whew" turned off my monitor and hurried off upstairs presumably to bed. i didn't get to sleep for the rest of the night, and i feel like my computer has been used and abused. my mind and brain are scarred. and nothing feels clean anymore.

woke up to my brother spanking the monkey on my computer a few feet behind me. pretended to be asleep. am scarred.

waking up at the wrong time of night.

in the spirit of good oral hygiene, i decided to use some of my fine listerine anti-cavity rinse this evening, which was located on the top of the cabinet in my bathroom. it had no cap, but lots of our stuff has no cap... so i filled up the dispensing top and let it settle at the appropriate level. into the mouth to start some vigorous swishing! hmm... wtf is that granular stuff in my mouth?! sugar? i proceeded to spit it out into the virgin white sink. black. lots and lots of black. that isn't sugar my dear, it is m'fing ants! i nearly vomited and am having a difficult time not vomiting as i type this now. i went in search of some proper listerine to cleanse my mouth. but it didn't solve the problem.. i still had this clenching sensation in my chest that something was amiss. so i proceeded to make myself a knob creek (bourbon) and ginger ale. which thankfully has made this much better... but that clenching sensation is still there.

i used some mouthwash, whose dispenser was a perfect trap for ants. so i gargled with 25-50 dead ants and nearly vomited.

rinsing with listerine

so, i just got out of shower this morning and i though it was a great idea to prepare breakfast while naked. i tend to use more oil than i need in my food, and being a clumsy piece of shit and thanks to my slippery oiled hands, my hands slipped off the knife i was using and i accidentally dropped it. i felt a sense of pain, and when i look down, i saw blood. the knife sliced the middle of my penis. so i dropped a knife on my dick. thankfully it was a small knife, so i do not have any terribly bad injuries. i still have a thick bandage wrapped around my dick though.

accidentally dropped a knife on my dick while preparing breakfast. it is still attached to me, though.

dropping a knife on my penis.

so me and my girlfriend just moved into an apartment together 4 nights ago and everything has been amazing so far. each night when i get home we have had the same routine, she cooks dinner and we eat, followed by hookah, weed, and alcohol and a good amount of sex. well last night was no different and this morning i woke up to go take my early morning shower before work only to see that she was awake, which she never is in the morning when i get up. i don't really think anything of it so i tell her good morning and go to take my shower. fast forward 20 minutes and i'm ready to go to work, and right before i'm about to leave she asks me to cuddle. i think ok why not i have 10 minutes i can spare, i'm one of those who is always early to everything. so i get into the bed and under the covers and low and behold she's stark naked and just gives me one of those you know exactly what i want right now looks and we proceed to engage in the horizontal mamba. afterwards i tell her to have an amazing day and im on my way to work when i notice i need gas. as im filling up it was time to take a leak. as i enter there is a man, who looks a little rough , taking his place at the urinal. now there are only 2 urinals in this bathroom and im not going to be the bitch who doesn't pee because there another guy at the urinal. so i go up and whip my buddy out of his hiding place and position myself. now guys you know that post sex piss that really just sprays everywhere like a damn fire hose? yes, i started to piss and it looked like someone has slide the windex bottle halfway between mist and laser and i was doing this all on his pants leg. this is when this fine gentleman decided that his best plan of action was to attempt to piss back at me.... yes you read that correctly, i mistakenly pissed on a random man and his plot of vengeance was to get in a piss war with me. i then yelled that i was sorry and got the fuck outta there.

if you piss on others, they'll piss on you.

peeing on the man next to me at the urinal.

preface to my story - my cat has been sick. he has feline hepatic lipidosis. luckily he's doing ok, but the recovery food has put a dent in our accounts. (and there's a whole story regarding his diagnosis that i'm going to post. the first vet that i went to should not be allowed to consult with worried pet owners.) rent was due this weekend. we needed a little extra to cover until next payday, so i went to get a payday loan. (i know they are awful but it was necessary.) the teller handed me the cash and i put it in my wallet (along with the money my bf had taken from his account) and then put my wallet in my purse. i walked out to my car which was parked directly in front of the doors. then i drove to the atm to deposit the cash. when i got there, i wanted to make sure i had the cash all facing the same way so that i wouldn't have to fumble with it at the machine. i reached for my wallet. it wasn't in my purse. it wasn't on the passenger seat. it wasn't anywhere in the car. i drove back to the payday loan place and looked in the parking lot. no luck. i went inside and asked the teller if i left it at her window. she said no. i came home, grabbed my bf, and we went back to look around some more. nothing. checked the trash cans around the building in case they took the cash and dumped the rest. nope. feeling like a fucking idiot, i came home and spent an hour and a half cancelling my cards and filing an online police report. now we're hoping that our parents will be able to help us cover the rent. i needed to vent a little so i created this throwaway. thanks for letting me get this off my chest. seriously, i feel like such a dummy right now. *also, tifu by not posting this under the throwaway. oy vey.

lost $515.00 'cause i'm an idiot.**

losing my wallet which contained half of my rent

this actually happened a year or so go. anyway, my friends have a golf cart that they got from their grandfather a while back. the cart had this little truck bed in the back of it you could hold onto, and it got to a top speed of about 10 mph. so, being immature we couldn't just drive it around, so we invented this game called "shoe surfing" it was where you hold on to the truck bed and keep your feet on the ground whilst the driver tries to shake you off. so your in a position where your ass is about 3 or 4 inches off of the ground. it was my turn and i was doing pretty well. i was on for about 3 or 4 minutes, then i feel the worst possible pain ever...in my ass. i scream so loud, and keel over on the ground clutching my asshole. i look down to see a stick as thick as a stereotypical black man's dick next to me. i put piece by piece together and realized that with my feet so close together and my ass 3 inches from the ground, my feet picked up the black dick stick and wedged it between my asshole and the ground, with the cart going top speed. thankfully, it didn't go inside my asshole, but i still, to this day have learned my lesson. during activities in the backyard, don't leave black dick sticks lying around.

- asshole + black dick stick = pain

trying to go shoe surfing

not that it really matters, but this actually happened a few years ago while i was working at a grocery store. so, i'm working as a seafood clerk and, as part of my uniform, have an apron on. i take my dinner break and, before heading downstairs to resume my shift, decide i need to take a piss. i should also mention that i'm a bit tired and the fluorescent lighting in the store was not helping me keep my eyes open and my mind sharp. standard procedure, zip down the fly on my jeans and pull my apron to the side. everything is fine for a few seconds until i somehow let go of my apron and start pissing all over it and also partially on the button area of my jeans (because of back spray). thankfully, no one else was in the employee bathroom while i was and i was able to clean up. i went back downstairs to the seafood counter and convinced my boss that i had forgot my apron at home, even though she saw me with it on earlier that shift.

took a piss at work while wearing an apron and ended up pissing on my apron and jeans by accident.

pissing on my work uniform

i am a college student who works for a moving company part time. today i was on a move and the lady had a very nice china cabinet. i took out all the china and wrapped it perfectly, next i started wrapping the cabinet with moving blankets. all seemed well and i got my partner to help me pick up the cabinet and move it. well we pick it up and it tilts just a little bit and then we hear a loud crashing noise come from inside the cabinet... open up the cabinet and i forgot to take out the glass shelves. mirrors on the inside busted along with the glass shelves. needless to say the lady was not very happy and we didn't get a very good tip.

. before moving a china cabinet, be sure to take out the glass shelves

while moving a china cabinet

today, i went surfing, and as some surfers know, you either bring your keys in the water in your wetsuit, or you toss em in a bush nearby, especially if they are the electronic type like mine. now i know you think well thats dumb but after doing this hundreds of times in my many years of surfing i thought getting my car stolen would never actually happen. so i go surf for two hours and have some of the most fun waves i've had in a long time. on my way back as stoked as can be my friend who i was with asks me, "gdshred95, where is your car?" i responded "shut up what are you talking about," do a double take, and see that my car is in fact gone. we call the police and go through the whole process of trying to trace our phones but unfortunately this guy was smarter than we thought and shut both of them off. after all this we are told that our case is of low priority but that they will be on the lookout. that sounded promising. long story short all my valuables such as wallet and phone were in there and now i am waiting and hoping my car has not been taken to a chop shop, is still intact, and is found. it is ironic how such a great day can end in a shitty way.

don't get your car stolen by trying to hide the keys nearby, car thief's aren't that dumb.

getting my car stolen

so there i am. the fridge door is open and my stomach is growling. "i want to eat something with substance, but i don't want to invest any time into cooking it" i said to myself. "oh sweet! there's a hard boiled egg, but its cold. i hate cold things that are supposed to be warm. lets just throw it into the microwave for a minute!" so the eggs in the microwave and since i've never done it before i take it out when i think its ready. seemed warm enough to me so i peeled off the shell and got ready to dive into this warm eggy delight of mine that i was holding in my hand. as soon as i bit into the egg, all shit just broke lose and the thing literally exploded in my mouth. and when i say exploded im talking like high pressure, heat, flying lava egg pieces everywhere. i was stunned and had no fricken idea what-the-fuck had just happened. ... turns out its not ok to put hardboiled eggs with their shells on in the microwave because pressure will build up in the shell and then blow up in your face... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcauvsx3dtg (random video i found on youtube)

this happened when i took tried to take a bite.

reheating my hard boiled eggs.

this happened a couple weeks ago but i had only started lurking on reddit then. came home from work, went to get a drink. we had a leaky pipe which was giving the neighbour below fits, so a plumber was in the house all that evening, effectively blocking kitchen and bathroom. still, i really wanted something to drink, so when i saw half bottle of gingerbeer on the windowsill of our upstairs room i thought it was just good fortune and poured away. i took a nice big gulp and nearly choked myself, it tasted fucking infernal. spat it out and chucked the whole thing out thinking the sun had done something unspeakable to the bottle of gingerbeer. after a while i happened to mention it to my oh, and he sort of went still. "...wait, where'd you find the bottle?!?" the plumber was there for ages, and he'd ended up having to relieve himself in a bottle from the recycling. he left it where he wouldn't forget to get rid of it. i boaked. but it was funny afterwards, i have to admit.

piss and gin do not a delicious beverage make.

inventing a new drink....

i finally arive at my school, and park in a spot. i unplug my auxiliary cord that connects my phone's headphone jack to my car stereo, and put it in the pocket of the zip up hoodie i was wearing. i then grab my backpack on the passenger seat, and pull it over to the driver seat while i was getting out of the car. i turn my head away and feel something pull back when i put the backpack on. i look and notice that my coat's sleave got tangled in the strap so i have to untangle it. while i was untangling it i forgot that my phone was in the pocket of my hoodie (i should have put it in my pants pocket). i get the coat untangled and leave it in my car. i shut the door and take 2 steps, then i hear the dreaded sound that strikes fear into the hearts of all, except the gods of nokia. my phone hit the ground, landing in a puddle. i grabbed it off the ground and wiped the water off of it. it was really cloudy, so i thought it was fine, hoping that it was unharmed by the merciless pavement that has doomed so many. but alas, as i walked through the doors, i saw it. a spiderweb crack in the top right corner of the screen. taking up a little less then a quarter of the screen. fuck. **

the gods of nokia have cursed me today**

cracking my phone's screen

throwaway because a lot of my irl friends know my real username. early this morning while i was asleep, i was dreaming that i was using the bathroom and browsing reddit on my phone. some thread was calling for /u/andrewsmith1986 to be banned or something and i was typing a response when i noticed how soft the carpet was in the dream bathroom and started to run my hand over it as i did my business. in reality, i was stroking the blanket over my face and pissing myself. this was when i woke up.

stroking dream carpet results in pissing myself

pissing myself while dreaming about reddit