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reddit_tifu

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last night some friends and i got absolutely wasted. i woke up this morning to find that i missed my first class and had a test in an hour, i got up and instantly sat back down on my bed from getting so dizzy. i remembered that i had 2 36mg concerta that i was saving. thinking that it would help my hangover and help my focus on my test, i took both at 1:30 (i was still somewhat intoxicated). half way to school it starts kicking in. i get to class, sit down, start the test and my heart is pounding. i didn't know the material very well so i started to get a little anxious. i did pretty bad on the test to say the least, and felt terrible about how i got black out drunk on a school night instead of studying. i get home around 3:45 and feel absolutely terrible. i've had terrible anxiety all day, my heart has been pounding, and was extremely dehydrated for awhile. my vision was out of wack for quite awhile too. i haven't been able to focus on anything. i'm just glad i'm coming down now. i have, however, learned a lesson - always take a minute to think if taking a drug is a good idea, given on the situation. it's been a terrible day, reddit :(

took 72mg of concerta (ritalin) with a terrible hangover and fucked my entire day up.

taking 72mg of concerta after a night of heavy drinking.

reading the other guy's crazy story about fucking the fat girl while on mdma made me think back to the greatest fuck-up of my earlier years. this story's become part of my group's lore; gets brought up way oftener than i prefer. thought the tifu community might appreciate it. so, here goes... (massive wall of text alert) so, i'm 16/17, almost finished comprehensive school (high school). there's a girl in my year who i get on pretty well with, she's not really part of the "in" crowd, seems to have a few nerdish interests, and isn't terrible looking. so me, having watched way too much tv, thinks = she should be my girlfriend. now, i was always a bit awkward/uncomfortable around "the ladies", hadn't had any real contact with the other sex at this point, so maybe i was a bit starved for it. so we're sitting in the common room, it's a friday, there's a long weekend up ahead, i'm psyching myself up for it - just do it man, ask her out, fucking do it. bell goes, end of the day fuck i run up to her as we're all leaving, i'm like "hey, do you fancy seeing a movie tonight" "yeah sure" yes! "who's all going" fuck! "um, i was thinking just the two of us....?" "um, okay" yes! i head home, catch my buddy on the bus, "she fucking said yes" i'm feeling like dirk fucking diggler. i get home, there's a phone call on the landline, it's her. she says she wanted to say no earlier but didn't want to hurt my feelings fuck! but we can still go to the movie as friends. i'm devastated but thinking a casual trip to the cinema might clear the air a bit, stop it being awkward at school on tuesday (!!). there's no cinema in our two-bit town, we have to get the train to a slightly bigger neighbouring one. 20 min on the train, polite small talk, a bit awkward. feeling confused about the whole thing. we get to the cinema and see what's on. it's slim pickings, and it's after 9, films are starting. we need to see something, she's hemming and hawwing, i'm getting impatient, "let's just go see this one here". what did i pick? the remake of assault on district 13 -- why?? we're sitting in the dark, i'm looking over at her -- i know she's not enjoying this film at all. i'm feeling like crap -- this was a mistake. what am i doing here? i zone out and watch laurence fishburne shoot scumbag'[s for a while. it's nearly over, she leans over and is like "maybe we should leave if we want to get the last train home". i'm all it's cool babes we got all the time in the world. nope we get out, make a dash to the station, it's all locked up. fuck! no idea what we're going to do -- this was before mobile phones. i locate a phone box on the street, and there's taxi numbers taped up inside it phew! so i get taxi and it drives up down the motorway back to our town, i sit in the front seat, she's in the back -- weird awkward silence plus standard taxi driver banter for like 20 minutes. we finally get back to the town, he drops us off at the train station. i'm like thank god this nightmare is over. i ask when her dad is picking her up, i thought she'd mentioned that earlier, she says she's actually walking home. she lives on the outskirts of the town, its a solid walk -- why didn't you mention this in the taxi? i can't let this girl walk home alone, friday night, it's super late and the outskirts can be a bit sketchy. so i volunteer to accompany her, we're 15 min into our journey when the rain and hail starts. i give her my jacket. we're trudging along, both miserable and pretty wet by this point. the smalltalk is dying a death. we finally get to her house, she's like "thanks, do you remember the way home?" "yeah babes no problem for me!" nope i get fucking lost. i'm wandering around, starting to panic cos i've no phone or anything and i'm terrified of bumping into a bunch of pissed yahoos at this hour. then the storm really starts. thunder, wind. it's a real, king lear on the heath storm. why did i not take my jacket back? i'm soaked through, lost. finally stumble upon a shop i recognize, ok i can get my bearings. find a road, navigate the tarmac back into town. the storm is still raging, like the universe is laughing at my poor, poor judgement. get home at some point, wishing silently that i can crawl into my room on the quiet, my mom opens the front door sauced up, in the middle of a party, beaming "soooo how it go???" i'm mortified by the whole experience, just gotta get to bed, this whole thing's been a russian doll of regret. tuesday rolls around. it's pre facebook, so my mates don't know how things went. i get into form class. they're excited. how'd it go mate? did you get a kiss? not quite... **

asked out girl, she said yes, then no; went on a "date" anyway. she got wet.**

(well, a few years ago) and went on a date when i shouldn't have

my best friend is home for the first time in four months (she lives two hours away) so we decided to get super high. i get the sensation that i have to pee. i ignore it both because i am ridiculously high and my friend is telling a story....finally i get up to go to the bathroom, walk up the stairs and it happens....the flood gates open and the golden river flows...fuck! fast forward a few minutes and i am in the bathroom wondering how i am going to change clothes without my husband or best friend wondering what the fuck i am doing. thankfully my husband had a pair of pajama pants laying on the sink in the bathroom. i put those on and casually walk back to the basement hoping again, they won't notice....but they did and now they won't stop laughing.... oh well lol.

got high and ignored the fact had to pee and pissed myself; tried to cover it up but they figured it out.

getting to high and ignoring the face that i had to pee.

this happened a few years ago, but it's probably my biggest tifu. so i woke up one morning with an intense urge to vomit. i start running towards the bathroom and make it four steps before i start projectile vomiting everywhere. i apparently also had diarrhea and the force of of me throwing up also caused me to shit my pants. i'm not done so i continue trying to get to the bathroom and am now dripping in feces and last night's dinner. i make it to the stairs and throw up/shit myself again, but as i am running down steep stairs i slip on my own filth and hit my head on the steps knocking myself out. i wake up now bleeding slightly, covered in shit and puke and see my dad looking over me and tell him "i don't think i can go to school today" he looks over me and says "no, i don't think you can." i spent the rest of the day with my head in a bucket and my ass on the shitter. i have no idea what made me sick but it was the grossest thing that has ever happened to me. edit: i did not knock myself up. my sex ed is apparently a little off

had explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting and as i was running down the stairs i slipped in my vomit/shit and knocked myself out. didn't have to go to school.

woke up in a pile of my own vomit, feces, and blood.

this happened several months ago, but i just decided to post it here. so a few months ago someone at my school committed suicide, the 2nd one in less than a month, obviously it was a very tough time for everyone. at his funeral, 2 kids were joking around (this may sound inappropriate, but it was appropriate, you'd have to be there) and one of them said "everyone hates you!" in a joking manner. i said (oh jesus...), "careful, we don't want another one!" both their faces immediately went serious and they walked away. oops. i couldn't even apologize because i couldn't spit out any words after i said it. the worst part was i said it rather loudly so everyone around me heard it too, i could feel their stares burning into me.

made a suicide joke at the funeral for a kid who committed suicide, made everyone hate me.

making a suicide joke at a kid who committed suicide's funeral...

yes, it’s a poop story. my girlfriend’s mom has been visiting for the past week and the three of us (me, girlfriend, and mom) have been doing fun, touristy day activities. yesterday my stomach was grumbly after a spicy meal. normal, though, right? i had a nasty shit in a public restroom at some touristy site and thought it was done. nope. that night, the beast returned. he took his vengeance upon my bowels and made them rain hell upon my own private toilet. still didn’t feel great. woke up the next morning and he was there again. aside from the fact that my asshole was rubbed as raw as ground meat, i felt much better after that one. i thought i had exorcised the demon and set off for a hike with girlfriend and mom. the hike was on an out-and-back trail up a big hill. the path was barely wide enough for two people to stand side by side, and stupidly, we had chosen a sunny, 90f day. we stopped frequently for water breaks because mom was feeling dizzy. i’m feeling fine, pleased that the exorcism was effective. we are 80% to the top of the hill and decide to turn back because of the heat, when bam the beast lets loose his rumbling growl. i take no more than 10 steps before i know my asshole will not remained closed for a single step more. i had already warned my girlfriend of my digestive troubles, and told her to take mom up ahead. as i mentioned the trail was narrow and on a hot, sunny hill. plenty of people walking by, but at this point, i have no room for shame. only urgency, and excruciating pain. i waddle to a switchback, clenching my asscheeks tight to hold in the shit that wants out. pull down my pants, get them out of the splash zone, and before i give the go ahead, it’s coming out. what came out cannot even be described as poop, because that implies something semi-solid and brown. instead, i released a yellowish pinkish goo, the consistency of a pineapple-mango juice mixed with v8. now came the problem of wiping. this is a hill in the desert, and the largest leaf on any plant was the size of my thumb. all i had with me was my water bottle. i had no other choice. i wet down my non-dominant hand, wiped up the remaining goo, pulled up my pants, and emptied most of my remaining water onto my desecrated hand. the offending pile stunk like roadkill and i ran the fuck out of there before anyone came by. i catch up with girlfriend and mom. they ask if i’m ok and i request to just get down the hill. unfortunately, there is still shit-juice smeared all over my inner thighs, and each step down the hill chafes open the flesh and infuses it with said shit-juice. finally, we reach the car and drive to a diner where i can clean up better. i then have to sit through an entire meal (some nice, handheld burgers to complement my shit-covered hand) before i can go home and take i shower. after my shower, i took a several hour nap and calmed my shame, knowing that in the end, i had conquered the beast. edit: for the record, i, lionlament, am the girlfriend in the story. my boyfriend is a sissy lurker who is too afraid of rejection to post anything on reddit.

went on a hike in the desert while having diarrhea and wiped with my hand.

wiping diarrhea off my hand during a hike with my girlfriend and her mom

so, i am at work when my bladder sends that little message to my brain to indicate its ready to be emptied. to the head (wc/bathroom) i go. in the head are two urinals with a privacy divider in between. a gentleman is all ready using one, so i pull up in front to the other and start my business. certain sounds are inevitable and its clear the other guy is done. a rather loud audible shaking sound is heard then i felt something on my hand. i look down and realized the guy just shook his snake so damn hard that he slung **at least** one drop of his urine over the privacy barrier - and it landed on my hand!! what. the. fuck??? i look over to the guy and exclaimed (loudly), "dude, you don't have to shake your snake so damn hard that it's neck breaks. you just slung piss on me over here." there was a dead silence while this guy seemed to think of something to say. he mutters "sorry" and hastily leaves out of the head - without washing his hands. after he left, it also occurred to me that i had not heard a re-zipping of his pants - so ... i hope is is not flashing anyone.

went to the head, dude next to me excessively shook his snake and slung his urine onto my hand.

using the urinal

i woke up this morning next to my boyfriend having slept over at my house. woke up with morning wetness and by defult not given much thought of it since it's a normal thing to me. we had breakfast with my sister and had a very amusing conversation resulting in plenty of laughter. the sweater i wore made me sweat bullets, it was very warm in the kitchen since my mom frozen the previous day and drawn up the raidiator temprature. i had to get up to go to the bathroom but instead of going and making my business i found myself staring at a horrible starshaped mark made by my pussy. damn it i had accidentaly pushed out my wetness by laughing so hard and covered my labias with it successfully marking the poor kitchen chair cushion. i was mortified: my boyfriend and sister laughed at me. to add to the awkwardness: today is my younger sister's 17th birthday so this won't be forgotten easily. luckily did my sister not realize it was wetness since i exclamed how awkward it was that i'd had so much sweat on my inner thighs that it stained the cushion. my boyfriend was a different deal thoe, he just laughed his ass off. i wanted to clean it up but since my the whole family is going to visit tonight to celebrate my sister i realized that i couldn't make it in time. so... awkwardly enough one of my relatives will sit on the other side of the cushion that has my wing mark under it. conclusion made, i will never skip my pre-breakfast bathroom visit ever again.

vag stamp on cushion

leaving a "wing-mark" of my morning wetness on my parent's kitchen chair cushion

i look after people's houses while they are away sometimes. this one time i was at this particular house downtown chicago (river north) i had to drop one badly. every house i go to is usually on the market and usually as empty as it gets so using their master bathroom was as easy as checking to make sure they had adequate tp. now every time i go to this house i have to crap - can't explain that. but anyways, today i was there and, again, i had to drop one. so as usual i go up to the third floor master bathroom and have myself a seat. just then i hear a commotion downstairs. i think to myself *this is strange, did i leave a window open and i can just hear outside...?* nope that door just closed and somebody is here while i am pooping in the master bathroom. i am wiping and trying to get my shorts back on as fast as possible while not making obvious "struggling to get my pants on" noises as to not give away what was just going on upstairs. it is a real estate agent there to show the place. i throw my bag on my shoulder and proceed downstairs in a bit of a rush. "so i guess i can trust that you will just lock the place up?" i say. "yes" he says and i walk right out as fast as possible. i leave the house and walk across the street and halfway down the block to the train station. at this point i notice things are a bit breezy. i look down and... dick is out. not peeking through but hanging out, out. i forgot to mention that i have not worn boxers in about 5 years. the real estate agent and everybody just stared but i couldn't care less. i laughed out loud to myself because what the hell else could i have done there. besides underwear.

real estate agent caught me using the bathroom in a client's house, in my haste to get out and cover my tracks i didn't zip and the entire north side of chicago saw my dong before i noticed. i realize i should wear boxers now.

dropping a deuce in one of the houses i manage

tifu by not drinking enough water (for several days in a row, actually). i'm on new medications that each severely dehydrate me, and during the summer i had no problem downing a bottle of water and peeing every hour or so, but now that school is back in session i'm not able to do that anymore. didn't really take note of the fact that i hadn't pooped on a couple of days, so when i go to the bathroom for my nightly ablutions and feel that familiar urge, i plop myself down, whip out the phone, and get myself settled in for a satisfying poop. about a minute and a half in, i realize that this is not going to be a satisfying poop. things are moving alone and i hear something hit the water, but there's still a lot to go. i'm taking the driest shit ever. little to mid-sized pieces are falling off the slow-moving but extremely thick poop torpedo stuck up my asshole. i'm straining, i'm shimmying, i'm squeezing and pushing, all trying to get my little turd-baby moving. nothing is working. my asshole is stretched to its limit. it's actually kind of like an ass vacuum in reverse--the first bit has fallen away (courtesy flush) but the next part hasn't moved further down. quite literally wedged beyond reach in my lower rectum. so after a good 40 minutes with no progress, i'm starting to have the terrible fear that i'm going to pop a brain aneurysm and die on the shitter. felt like leaving a note that would inform my loved ones that i wanted to be buried with the turd baby, and what name to give it on my tombstone. my choices are currently die on toilet, call someone for help, or, be my own damn fine hero. so i steel myself, grab a few lengths of toilet paper, and then reach under and back ... and start digging in my own stretched out asshole to remove the giant blockage of dense, backed-up, compressed shit-pellets from my own anus. that's right, i'm digging in my own bung-hole to remove poop piece-by-bloody-mucus-covered-piece. my finger quickly breaks through the toilet paper guard, and my finger is mushing around in sticky, warm shit that is so well packed in my rectum. and each piece sticks to my finger as i try to work it out, and i go through a roll of tp wiping the shit off my finger and the bloody-slimy goo from around my asshole. finally i got it all, or enough that my asshole could close again. i spent the next twenty minutes washing my in hot-as-fuck soapy water. it's two hours later and my asshole still burns.

today i fucked up and had to shovel shit of out my own anus.**

not drinking enough water

if you're anything like me when it comes to brushing your teeth, you may find the task boring. i attempt to multitask while brushing, which usually extends the action. tonight's multitasking consisted of brushing, watching the daily show and redditing with my laptop. i was about 10 minutes into the brushing when the incident occurred. by this point i have a good mouthful of tooth paste and various liquid by-products accumulated (as my fellow marathon-brushers will be familiar with). i felt the first tickle, but thought i could suppress the sneeze with the usual trick (feel along your nose until you reach the end of the bone / start of the cartilage and then press into the nose, usually works surprisingly well) but to no avail. i realized my mistake and tried to compensate, but the couch was reclined and my laptop positioned in its usual spot. with the nearest sink at least 10 paces away, i knew i wasn't going to make it and braced for the eruption by quickly sealing my mouth. the sneeze came less than one step from the sink. i had clenched my mouth so tight that i thought the sneeze would come out my nose, but i'm also a little stuffed up right now, causing a backfire and unsealing my mouth. my bottom lip lost its grip and the contents of my mouth (at least 2 fluid oz at this point) shot straight up, striking my nose and covering the mirror / faucet / wall with the tooth paste, spit and snot. due to the trajectory, i managed to hit everything in front of my except the sink. my nose is burning, my throat feels like someone punched it, but at least my left nostril is no longer clogged. i can still smell the brush by-product. i think i need a shower. **

** - holding in sneezes blows

caused nasal trauma

well, it was yesterday, but fuck it. i have an ex girlfriend that lives about an hour from my place of residence (can't really call my frat house "home"). we've always been pretty cordial, and because there's never really been a fair shot for us to have a healthy, legitimate relationship, there's some feelings that have been dormant on both sides. we make plans to hang out, with a full understanding that sex will be involved barring some extreme circumstance or fuckup. i get excited. reddit, i need to open up for a hot minute - i have confidence issues with my performance/size/body makeup (honestly, only the last one is remotely valid). we made out for a while and did high school-esque handsy shit. here's where things get fun - we stop dead in our tracks, have a ten minutes discussion on the implications of having sex (where both of us lose our respective drives), that ends with her saying "okay, let's go." she bounces up, immediately strips naked, lays down and spreads 'em. /u/mmmdddmmm, you're in the clear! this is what every guy wants to happen! ..............nothing. okay, it's whatever, maybe if i go down on her, i'll get turned on. i do, and she comes (tornado tongue ftw). now it's time to put it in! i reach down for my dick.... .......... ................. ........................ soft as a pillow yet again. alright, maybe if there's some more foreplay - oh my god she's going down on me and i still can't fucking pop a boner. i panicked, made an excuse about not taking medication (which was true - i'm on a little steroid pack for a viral infection, but it was a last day so i'm sure i didn't die), and noped the fuck outta there, tail between my legs and highly embarrassed. i asked if everything was okay and she just gave me the "fine" answer. and now today conversation is nothing but awkward. holy shit, i fucked up.

my dick wanted some, then got stage fright, which may have fucked up a friendship.

thinking with my dick.

i'm on the swim team. i'm not one of the good swimmers, but i still go because it's a good way to exercise. so here i am at the end of practice. we're practicing our dives and such. my first two dives go well, just a slight belly flop. however, on my last dive, i didn't tuck my chin down and went face first. at first, i was like "haha wow shit my nose hurts, that'd suck if i got a nosebleed" which everyone laughed at. but then, 3 minutes later... the niagara falls of nosebleeds is coming out of my face. awkwardly, i quickly walked (don't run on the deck, children) to my towel and proceeded to bleed all over that.

i'm on the road to the olympics.

going swimming.

little bit of back story: girl and i have been friends for going on 4 years now. we've really dragged each other through some shit over that time, failed relationships, a mutual friend's divorce, problems with school and work and life, etc. she's always been there for me when i needed someone to listen, and i've always tried to help her through whatever problems crop up in her life. me? i'm a habitual fuck-up when it comes to anything involving emotions or expressing myself, and i tend to repress feelings of frustration and aggression. i think it's a coping mechanism for when i don't feel like i've got control of my life, like i choose not to feel instead of actually confronting the thing that's causing me to feel that way. she's the kind of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve, essentially, and that's a very endearing quality to me because it helps me associate with my own emotions. it's been very helpful over the past 7 or 8 months since i've moved across the country to start a new job. it's lonely here and my friends back home, her especially, have been so supportive and helpful. anyway, that bit is important because for about a year now i've been trying to convince myself that i'm not romantically interested in girl, despite the fact that i've caught myself looking at her in a way that i typically reserve for lovers. and we have fooled around in the past so i didn't think much about it (just hormones, etc.). last time i was in town (october) we ended up having sex, after which she drove me to the airport and we said our goodbyes. neither one of us has really mentioned the event, but i've been thinking about her more and more over the past month as i've been helping her deal with school related problems. so last night: i came back from my evening run feeling the worse for wear. i'm trying to train up for a 15k back home this coming saturday that girl has asked me to run with her. fuck me i'm not a runner! but she's worth the effort so here i am pushing myself through cold and rain. well, i get home and i text her that i want to facetime and talk a bit. she replies back that she's got a meeting real soon and she can't, but she really wants to talk to me because she's stressed and also that *she wants to tell me about this* **new guy** *she met*. what? fuck? i thought i had more time! i was planning on telling her how i felt this weekend, and i think i panicked a little. she caught on that something was amiss and called me up. so there i am, heart pounding, legs tight and fingers numb, looking into the face of a girl who doesn't know the train wreck that's about to crash into her from a thousand miles away. i play it cool. "so, i've got a problem i think you can help me out with." "ok, i'll try," she says to me with a look on her face like she has more pressing concerns on her mind. and i could tell she wasn't expecting anything, which just made it harder. but i'm already in this far, can't back out now. i go on to tell her that there's this girl i like and i don't know how to tell her how i feel. we go back and forth on some questions, and she figures out pretty quickly that i'm being a coy motherfucker and calls me out. "is it me...?" lump in my throat. "...maybe?" *wry smile and puppy dog eyes*. silence. silence grows into awkward pause. then the next 5 minutes is her looking like she's recovering from a car crash and me desperately trying to explain that i can't help how i feel. "maybe i'm just being an idiot," i say. "i didn't want to tell you like this, but i can't help how i feel and i wanted you to know." and she's obviously distraught, and our conversation keeps getting interrupted as her sister enters and exits her room so the awkwardness only exasperates. finally i just go and say, "i can't help the way i feel. *i love you and i can't change that.*" she looks like a deer in headlights. "i have to go to my meeting, i'm really sorry i don't know what to say right now..." boom. done. conversation ends. and here i am today, wearing my dunce hat and feeling like a total selfish asshole. i've fucked up a lot in my life, reddit. but last night, i think, was my crowning glory. please induct me into the hall of fucked.

: i told my friend of the last 4 years i loved her. now she's in shock and i feel like an asshat.

telling my friend i love her

**context:** happened last week. i teach english abroad and this had been a topic of conversation in a hostel dorm room for several people. i checked into a hostel, got up to my dorm, and quickly introduced to myself to the other 2 people in the room, lets call them mary and sue. mary was a nice girl from germany who got to chatting with me. i said hello to sue, but she pretended not to hear me. *fast forward* i start noticing some strange things about sue: she lit a candle and blew it out again and again. when we finally fall asleep, she starts having night terrors, screaming things like "don't touch me, get away from me, no no no,!" the next morning, mary tells me that sue had been crying the whole day before. i start to think she had gone through some abuse recently. *fast forward* we're all in the room, she starts to cry again, and i asked, "are you okay?" with no response. i said it again, and oh boy did i make a mistake. she went into this rant about how all english teachers do is rape their children, rape their students, rob their host countries, and neglect to learn the culture or language. she continued to say that if i would like to speak to her, i should speak to her in her native tongue, finnish (ignoring the irony of conveying this message in perfect english). i was told to stop bullying her, that i denied her the right to lay in her bed, that i couldn't possibly have anything valuable to retort because i'm english (i'm american). that night, i feared for my life. *edit:* not all finnish people are crazy. just this one.

asked a girl if she was okay and got called a child rapist.

asking a girl, "are you okay?"

im currently a third year in college and the last time i wrote an essay since my first year. i've always been pretty terrible at writing and reading in general which is why i am a science major (to this day i question how i was admitted into any school). the reason i suck at writing analytical essays is because i can't analyze text its that simple. i take everything very literal and don't question anything. my paper was only 800 words so its basically not even a college paper. the same week it was due i had 3 very difficult midterms for my major so i went to my ta and told her how difficult of a week id been having. i told her i sucked at writing and was very illiterate (i meant literal), she immediately began laughing and i didn't know why. i explained how i sucked at analyzing stuff and she just kept laughing. as i was walking out she asked what my major, i said biopsych and she then said, "that explains everything!" i then went home really confused as to why she had laughed and told my roommates i had said to her that i suck at reading context clues and said i was illiterate, then began laughing and told me that i had basically told her i couldn't read instead of saying literal. i almost wanted to send her email and apologize for being half stupid but i couldn't get myself to do it.

: told my ta i was illiterate instead of literal and she didn't correct me.

told my literature ta that i was illiterate

i was gutting my bathroom. just some remodeling. i tore the drywall out and got to the old insulation. i've never had a problem with insulation itching so i went at it bare handed. gutting took no time at all. so i go to start putting new insulation in. after hours of the remolding i decided to take a shower. now swamp ass got going during the remodel and being the classy guy i am, i decide to soap up my hand and shove my hand between my ass cheeks. rubbing and scrubbing away, i start to feel a tingle. my ass crack is on fire. it feel like shards of glass are shooting in and out. i grab the shower head and shove it in my ass. no relief. cold water. no relief. i just had to wait it out. its calmed down now. fuck it was rough. asshole still itches.

got insulation in my asscrack and hole. always wear gloves.

big time

i was babysitting and i had to use the bathroom, so i go in there and i remember noticing that the toilet bowl was a little more full than it probably should've been. but i went ahead anyway and when i flushed the toilet it started filling with water but not draining. i kinda just stood there while the water reached the top and started pouring out onto the floor. i grabbed a cup from the counter and started scooping water out of the toilet and into the sink. after a couple minutes of that when the sink was full too, i realized the fucking sink was clogged also! so i started pouring it into the shower. once the water stopped flowing and i scooped out enough water so that it wouldn't overflow, i took a bunch of toilet paper to try and clean up the flooded floor. after a few minutes of wiping i realized i couldn't even flush the soaked toilet paper down the toilet... so i had this nasty pile of soaking toilet paper sitting on the floor. so now the sink is full. the toilet is clogged. the shower is all wet. the floor is flooded. and there's a bunch of wet toilet paper on the floor. i kind of managed to clean most of the mess up but i decided to never ever babysit again. i'm sure the comments will be filled (pun intended) with things i could've done differently to make this outcome better but whatever. it was hard to think straight.

the house i'm babysitting at now has a gross, flooded bathroom and a full toilet and sink.

while babysitting

it's nearly midnight, i have literally just got back from a&e, and truth be told im pretty tired, so please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes :) so tonight, i got home from work, decided to catch up on my youtube subs (as i do every evening :p). so i was looking around for my headphones, after about 10 minutes of scouring through my drawers, i realize that i left them at work. in the end i manage to find an old pair of jvc marshmallow headphones and used them instead. fast forward an hour to when i take them out to go grab some food at about 7:30pm, except only half of the right ear bud comes out, leaving a rubber tubing stuck in my ear. in a moronic panic, i decide the cleverest thing to do is to attempt to get the tiny rubber tube out, with my fat sausage fingers, needless to say the tube end's up further in my ear. oh shit. next plan of action was to try and get it out with a pair of tweezers, it took all of a 2 seconds for me to come to the conclusion that jabbing my inner ear with a pair of jagged metal prongs in a panic was going to end badly... so i gave up and decided to go to a&e. i was starting feel a bit uneasy at this point as this thing was deep in my ear, and it was starting to hurt. so there i am explaining to receptionist, that i'm a 19 year old man, who has a piece of rubber stuck in his ear. im not sure how healthcare works around the rest of the world, but with the nhs in the uk, they tell anyone who comes in to take a seat, and they treat by severity of the case. so i take a seat opposite two girls who are both sobbing, one has their arm bandaged, the other her stomach, with blood all over them, from what i can understand, they were attacked by some dogs. i could hear through on of their sobs, that they had been sat there for over an hour, and were still waiting, and there was me sat with some rubber stuck in my ear like a curious toddler, this is when it dawned on me that it was going to be a very long night. after about 2 1/2 hours the nurse called my name and i went through to a room that had all sorts of prongs and needle-nose pliers, "oh so no syringe and water?" i said in a half joke half kind of way, to which he replied with a stern "no." well fuck. this was going to be uncomfortable. and it was, he spent about 5 minutes ramming metal into my ear, tugging at random on skin and hair until he managed to finally dig out the little rubber tube. sweet relief, at last! deeply appreciative, i thanked the man, turns out they see this thing really often with in-ear earphones, which made me feel a bit less stupid, although admittedly not that much.. so that's that, my ear is still pounding, and the nurse was pretty sure i'd get an ear infection, good thing i'm holiday next week. -_- edit: the small grey thing is what got stuck. http://www.localnumber69.com/temp/headphones/100_0649.jpg

decided to listen to some music, ear bud got stuck in my ear, had to spend the night at a&e waiting to get it removed, and i'll likely get an ear infection.**

listening to music.

i'm a bit of a slob. i leave my clothes lying around, i'll often leave soda cans and beer bottles at my desk for days before i expend the energy to toss them in the recycling, and generally the only time i make my bed is when i first put on a fresh set of sheets. so tonight i laid down in my unmade bed, same as any other night. as i lay there in the dark, waiting for sleep to overtake me, my thoughts turned to an old crush whom i hadn't thought of in a while. i imagined taking her back to her place after a date and giving her a passionate good-night kiss at her door. she invited me in, and, as i proceeded to imagine making out on her couch, i began fapping. the imagined make-out session grew more intense; clothes started coming off, more intimate areas were kissed, sucked, and fondled, and i decided to adjust my masturbation technique. see, when i first began exploring my body as a small child, i discovered that it felt really nice to take a sheet or towel and just kind of grind my junk into it with my hips. this has the advantage of being more of a full-body experience and closer to actual sex and i used this technique exclusively for years before discovering the more traditional tricep workout. it also has the disadvantage of being fairly messy since the full volume of your load goes right into your bedsheet; as a result, i generally only do this when it's about time for my sheets to go to the laundry anyway. i'd been sleeping on these sheets for a while (again, slob), so i decided tonight was the night not to hold back. i reached down toward the foot of my bed and grabbed the bed sheet that was crumpled up there and started doing my thing. at one point, i noticed that one part of the sheet was cooler than the rest. i had a fan running by the bed, so i figured that area had just been in the fan's path, so i paid it no mind. as i continued to rub and gyrate while my fantasy girl and i went at it with reckless abandon, i noticed that the sheet was not just cool, but moist. it was at that point that i stopped what i was doing, turned my light on, and discovered that my cat had vomited on my mattress and covered up her crime with the crumpled bed sheet. i had been humping cat puke. i just finished cleaning the bulk of the mess, stripping the bed and putting the sheets in my laundry bag, putting on new sheets, and cleaning off the affected areas of my nether regions. my libido, suffice to say, has been squelched for the night, and i'm about to go back to bed and think long and hard about just what it was that i had against dogs.

fucked vomit

masturbating in an unmade bed

i [21m] work at a media corporation, and i was working on a high school sports story about a notable team of cross country girls. sorry to be vague, but i’m trying to leave out identifying details. anyway, i was talking to the coach, and he was speaking about one of the girls in particular who is a star athlete, the second fastest in our state. not only that, but she is an honors student, and consistently gets good grades. hearing this, i commented that she sounds like an incredibly well-developed girl. the conversation halted, and he went silent. i explained that i meant well-rounded, but it didn’t ease the awkwardness. it’s a good thing this interview was over the phone. my face was *reeeed.*

– tifu by misspeaking and suggesting a high school girl was well-endowed.**

misspeaking and suggesting a high school girl was well-endowed

well as the title suggests, we were on a road trip. we had stopped at a petrol station about 10 kms back, but i chose not to go because of the appalling state of all of the rest rooms. what i had done at this particular stop was buy a whole bunch of snacks for the road, and subsequently eaten them all. so at this point we (my parents, sister and i) are driving down a corrugated gravel road in a crappy honda crv when it happened. the car hit a particularly large bump and it surprised me enough to make me poop a little. now, you may be thinking that this is the tifu, but no, it gets much worse. this small piece of poop was apparently acting as a plug to stop what i can only describe as a torrential downpour of diarrhea from flowing out of my butt. with its removal, i released said diarrhea that had been churning and groaning inside of me like a particularly upset fetus all over my seat, floor, blankets, baggage and sister. i would have laughed had i not just emptied my own digestive track all over my belongings sitting at my feet. we hurriedly pulled over to the side of the road and i am sitting 10m down the road from my disgusted family to shield myself from their harsh words.

shaken, not stirred.

holding it in on a road trip.

so this happened saturday night, but close enough. i was visiting a girl at her university. i found this girl extremely attractive and really wanted to make a good impression on her since this was one of the first times i had spent extended time with her. well we all started drinking saturday night and i had a bit too much. when i say a bit too much i'm talking like 12-16 shots of 70-100 proof liquor in the span of 3-4 hours. it was rough. i ended up puking in front of everyone and basically just embarrassing the hell out of myself. now we aren't talking anymore (no surprise there), and i don't know if i'll be able to fix the relationship. i had a reason for drinking, but i can't tell her because it's kind of a cop out, but whatever, i can tell you guys. i have depression and anxiety issues, and i'm also being tested for bipolar disorder. this weekend happened to be one of the ones that was on the downward swing, and i used alcohol to cope with the depression and anger creeping inside me. that was not a smart move as evidenced by drinking way more than i could handle. i am quite upset that i ruined a good looking relationship, and now i don't know what to do with myself. i'm just venting at this point, but that was my fuck-up.

i drank too much, puked in front of a romantic interest, now we are no longer speaking.

i got shitfaced in front of a romantic interest and basically ruined my chance

a long while ago in the middle of the night i needed to go to the bathroom so i got up and started heading to the potty(or thats what i called it at the time) and there was a laundry basket just sitting there. so i tripped over it and hit my head on the side of the door frame. i dont remember much, but i remember seeing red, passing out, waking up, and looking in my mirror and seeing skull. then i passed out again. and, the next day i got 9 stitches in my forehead. woo hoo

i fell and hit my head on a door frame. stitches commenced

going to the potty

yesterday (wasn't today but close enough), i was sitting in my dorm room just doing some homework. out of the corner of me i see a fucking mosquito that has probably been the one pissing me off at night so i had a rush of adrenaline. after a few attempts to clap it between my hands with little success, i wait for it to land on the wall. so, it lands on the wall and i slam it as hard as i can and for some reason i yelled, "welcome to america, bitch!" as i slammed it. no big deal right. well, i forgot that an international student from china lives in the room next to me and the wall i slammed is the one between our rooms. i hope she doesn't think i'm too racist.

killed a mosquito and sounded like an asshole.

killing a mosquito

well, it didn't happen today, but you understand. during the summer, my mom wanted me to get out of the house more, since we had just moved in town. so, i decide to start going to my local gaming store to play some magic: the gathering (a card game, for those who don't know). one day, i decided to stop at the nearby gas station for a drink. i threw it in a shitty fabric bag i got from my school at the end of the year, because it was a fountain drink, and i can't ride my bike with one hand. the bag was slung over the front of the handle bars. well, i got there, blah, blah, blah, had fun. i was headed home, and i had thrown my deck box in the bag, which i hadn't thought of actually wearing, instead of having it hang precariously. about halfway home, my deck box decided to lodge itself between the shock and the wheel of my front tire, locking up the front wheel. i was thrown over the handlebars, and i sprained my wrist a bit. the box was stuck in there good, so i couldn't get it out in my injured state. after dragging my bike most of the way home, some random dude helped me get the box dislodged, and i rode the rest of the way home. luckily, nothing worth anything was damaged.

i left my brain at home, and sprained my wrist because i like to play card games.

being my nerdy self.

so my newlywed sister and husband are staying at our parents' house for the week. they just got here a day ago and since her and my brother moved out, my room is the only one that isn't used for storage. so they take my room (which is actually my brothers but i stole it when he left) and i took the basement. i like the basement, it's nice, cool and has a tv. anyways, it was last night when we all went to bed and i was a little drunk off wine so i felt like looking at some porn. this is the part where i fucked up. so i'm looking at porn on my tablet. it's an old tablet but i usually just use a remote desktop viewer to hook up with my computer so i can do everything a computer can do and my tablet just has to deal with the video. well.....my computer was in my room. i knew this, but i also know that the monitors were off. i also was under the impression that the stereo hooked up to my computer was turned off as well. i also knew that my tablet by default will turn off the computer sound and route the sound through my tablet. this all was true, except my brother-in-law had turned on my stereo for whatever reason. so i finish with my dirty deed with no problems. sound never came through the speakers because i tested it beforehand, the monitors were off because i was able to see that there wasn't that blue glow coming out of my door. however, when i finished i didn't turn off the video or exit out of the web. i just accidentally and every so casually pressed the home button. so, there i am, 2 floors away, cum in a paper towel and wiping the excess off my nether region when i casually pressed the button and immediately i knew my mistake. now i knew what could have happened but i was still thinking that i had turned the speakers off and no one turned them back on so i'd still be fine. so i waited two seconds later my speakers two floors up ignited with the sounds of a very nice lady getting absolutely wrecked by some big cock. holy shit. not only did the sound come on but my loud ass studio speaker were turned all the way up and were right next to my bed where my sister an her husband were fast asleep. my neighbors probably thought we were having the loudest orgy ever. my dad freaked. he ran to my room, my brother-in-law was trying to turn the sound off but somehow turned the monitors on in the midst of things. so my dad has now walked in on my sister freaking out, my brother in law trying to unplug every outlet possible and see just some girl getting pounded making the loudest screams i've ever heard. needless to say they knew it was me. they knew i did it and they knew it wasn't a joke. i just admitted to jerking it and i was sorry it went through the speakers. they were more mad at the fact that it scared the fucking shit out of everyone because some nice lady just started screaming at 1 in the morning at the loudest setting my speakers had. all in all it was probably the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me and idk about you guys but there is something really embarrassing about anyone seeing what you get off to let alone my parents, sister and brother-in-law. edit: changed my rude description of a porn star edit 2: missed a bitch

i woke my whole house up to incredibly loud porn at 1 in the morning which i couldn't stop for a solid 120 seconds. i'll never know any longer time than those 120 seconds.

looking at porn with my tablet

so i'm on my school's cross country team, nothing big really a lot of conditioning and hard work, and this is my first year doing cross and i was advised by one of the other runners to never drink milk the day of a meet. well i really didn't believe him and today comes around now me wanting to test it out decided to drink a shit ton of milk today. so this morning i ate some cereal and there's milk in that. lunch comes around i drank like 8 pints of chocolate milk (whole other story). 5 comes around and it's time for me to run, i had this feeling in my stomach since like 4:30 i should've listened to it but being a dumbass decided to ignore it. once i took that first stride when the gun went off i knew i made a huge ass mistake. it felt like the shit was going to come out while i was running. to make it all worse the shorts we have to wear are tiny, they are a size large but still are higher than mid-thigh so it felt like the shit was going to come out of the shorts and how was i going to explain that? meet ends i got a pretty good time of 21:34 on the 5k and just rush to the porta-potty. now the porta-potty was just plain up disgusting, it smelled like it hasn't been cleaned in years. i sadly added to that horrible smell by taking the wettest shit i have ever taken. it was just so gross that i don't even want to explain it.

read the damn post, it's not that long.

drinking at least half a gallon of milk before a meet (maybe nsfw)

first time telling a story here, so i apologize for any errors. for the past 2 hours, i've been home alone. no one is in the house except for me. at around 6 pm, i start to feel hungry and because i can't cook food for sh**, i do the next best thing... order pizza. after literally 45 minutes of deciding, i order a papa john's pizza for $10 including shipping. at this point, i'm thinking that this was a sweet deal and move on to do other things. about 15 minutes later i feel the urge to use the bathroom ^(poop). *oh, the pizza is supposedly being delivered in around 30 minutes. i'll surely have enough time* i thought. i get in and start doing my thing for 5 freaking minutes until i heard something outside. *it's him.* now i have to explain that the bathroom window is right next to the front porch and i didn't want to embarrass myself so i got up (before wiping my butt) to close the window. desperately, as the man gets closer to the door, i struggle to close the window. but *nope*... my hand slips and it knocks one of my mom's small vases from next to the window; the vase smashes into a trillion pieces. quickly getting up (and wiping), i get the money from my desk and pay the man. as soon as i close the door, i hear a knock again. it's him. he tells me that i only gave him $8 instead of the $10+tip. *what the hell?* he shows me all his money and the money i just gave him and apparently he was "right." (i can't say he's right since i don't even remember how much money i gave him. i swear i had the correct amount.) i go back and grab an extra $5 and he goes on his way. ugh, i'm now stuck with cleaning up the vase and the bad thoughts of buying the pizza. edit: eating the pizza right now... it really doesn't taste that good. :( i can say that it was a "shitty-ass-pizza." edit: so it's 2 hours later and i think i found out what happened. the jar i got the money from was missing $14, so this probably means that i mistook one of the dollar bills as a 5. i gave him $14 instead of $13.

i order pizza and use the restroom. delivery man comes 20-30 minutes earlier than expected and i drop a vase. he might have taken an extra $5 but in the heat of the moment, i couldn't remember how much i gave him. stuck with cleaning up a vase and the thought that i may have been cheated.**

thinking i'd have enough time to use the restroom before a pizza is delivered to my house

so recently i was browsing reddit and saw someone post how one way to get rid of skin tags is to tie dental floss around them. it cuts off oxygen until it dies basically and falls off. about a month or 2 ago, i got what i thought was an ingrown hair right on my gooch. i picked at it and it eventually turned into a tiny little skin tag... recently it started to hurt more and more and sex with my boyfriend kept making it worse. we hang out quite a bit so on a day i knew i wouldn't see him i decided to try this dental floss idea. i spent a solid hour just trying to tie it on, and cut the strings shorter once it was on. a few hours later i felt around and didn't feel anything there so i figured the floss fell off and it didn't work. as it turns out my boyfriend had to come over that night because he left his car in a place he didn't have access to until the next day. we started fooling around and he starts going down on me then stops all of a sudden. i figured he saw the skin tag and it was maybe irritated or something so i say "oh if there's anything weird down there it might be the skin tag". his reply "babe it's like 2 inches long..." the dental floss was still there, i just hadn't felt it right. almost died of embarrassment. thankfully he still finished going down on me and we ended off having great sex. he laughed it off and told me i was weird as hell, but it was really funny. luckily we've been together for a few years and he didn't judge me *too* much over it. for those curious the next day i realized the floss and the skin tag were gone. **it actually worked!**

tied a piece of floss to my skin tag on my gooch, didn't realize it was still there when boyfriend went down on me and saw it.

skin tags on gooch + dental floss

background: 1 stick of butter = 1/2 cup. chocolate chip cookies require 1 cup of butter. rice krispy treats require 1/4 cup of butter. i was craving a nice snack, so i decided to make chocolate chip cookies. the dough was coming out a little funny but i couldn't think why. it wasn't until i was about to bake them that i realized i only put 1 stick of butter into the cookies instead of 2. i doubted that adding more butter at that point could have fixed them, and i didn't have enough anyway. so i had to scrap those cookies. my sweet tooth is still unsatisfied though. after a quick runthrough of the kitchen, i found that i had just enough ingredients to make a half batch of rice krispy treats. hey kids! if the rice krispy treats' recipe calls for 1/4 cup of butter, and butteryasfuck wants to make a half batch, what's the probability that he will forget how to use fractions and doesn't remember to half the butter? as if i were trying to compensate for putting too little butter in my previous dish, i end up with twice the amount of butter in my next dish. i don't realize until i already melted all of my marshmallows in the buttery disaster. fuck it, i'll have a carrot.

fuck butter, fuck fractions, and fuck fractions of butter.

two desserts.

i just moved last week and today i noticed my furnace pilot light had gone out. after trying to light the pilot per the instructions on the unit with no luck, i decided that it might be dust causing low gas flow. this was a common problem with my old gas stove. so i took out a can of compressed air used for cleaning electronics and blew out much of the dust in the burner area. now i should have let the gas from the duster dissipate or turned the blower on, but instead i just went ahead and tried to light it. wooooshhh!!! giant fireball to the face! i now have first degree burns on my right hand and forearm all the way up to the elbow, plus my eyelids are slightly burnt. in addition, my beard is severely singed and i burnt all the hair off my arm and eyelashes. here are some pics of the lighter i was holding. [http://imgur.com/a/rfj5k](http://imgur.com/a/rfj5k) btw the pilot is still out.

cleaned furnace with compressed air and tried to light it. fireball ensued.

almost blowing myself up using compressed air before lighting a pilot light.

i'm at a weird stage in my life. i'm 28 and i just moved back to my hometown after quitting my job and moving to a bigger city months ago. long setup short, i figured out that i was leaving fixable problems and i'm kind of a dumbass. i think they call this the quarter-life crisis thingie now? oh, well. i wanted to come home for a multitude of reasons and i did today. now, my mother came to visit me earlier this week, with the express purpose of riding with me on my return journey. why? i don't fucking know. she's crazy and over-bearing and thought that i would die of a bloodclot in my leg if she wasn't in the car because i would never stop during an 8 hour drive, which doesn't even make sense because i drink a gallon of water a day and pee like 400 times and i'm not an idiot and i like to move around every 3-4 hours and it's not like she came to my white collar job every day for 5 years to ensure that i left my desk every once in a while instead of sitting there for 8 hours straight. plus, she wanted to torture me with her barbra streisand records, thus destroying any possible hopes of an enjoyable road trip, me by myself, in my metal beast/sanctuary. so my mom is at my apartment and i set her up in my room because she's fucking old and i'm a good kid and even though sleeping on an air mattress combines sleeping on something entirely uncomfortable with sleeping on something that makes noise when you shift around and sleeping on something that you can literally not put fucking sheets on properly, i didn't mind giving up the bedroom for two days. mostly, i wanted to watch justified while she was asleep. i started the nofap thing as part of my 2013 better me campaign (as i call it). i sorta believe the hype, but whatever, it's more about paying attention to life instead of porn for me. and i wanted the challenge. now, sex is not an issue, but i've had a dry spell throughout this moving process, which has coincidentally lined up with me starting the nofap. i hit day 45 today. so last night, i hit the old air-bed at around midnight. comfortability being impossible, i finally succumb to the most horrendous slumber ever at 2:45ish. at 4:30 am, i violently awake and realize that something is horribly wrong. i feel some wetness and immediately think back to every time i drink way too much...1) did i wake up while peeing? 2) do i still have pee in me waiting to be evacuated? 3) is it just a little spot? or should i be worried? the answers to those questions in this case are 1) no. 2). no. 3) fucking worry. at this point, wide awake, i start to frantically rip the sheets and blankets off of me, convinced that there's going to be a horse's head somewhere in bed with me. or, an even worse thought, what if this is my own puke or i had some kind of aneurism and bled out in the night? (you may think that's crazy, but one time my tonsils got so swollen, a blood vessel broke in my sleep and i spent hours choking on my own blood and puke...uhh...so there.) what i found was even more unsettling. cum. cum everywhere. i mean, like a fire hydrant exploded and cum came pouring out. like there was a bukkake party with one guest. there was more cum in my bed than in all 3 kardashians last night. there was so much white in my bed that for a minute i thought i was at a lumineers concert. the way in which my sheets clung to me was not unlike the way manti te'o has clung to his claims of heterosexuality. i mean, there was so much sticky on me last night that snoop dogg might've been interested ('cause of the whole...sticky icky icky...sigh). the point is, there was so much everywhere, that i immediately got up to go redo my whole bed and hose down my stomach, legs and crotchtal area. that's when i looked at my bedroom door, realizing that i was, in fact, on the outside of my bedroom, which is where my bathroom is...with my sheets and my shower. i mean, i could totally sneak in on my sleeping mother and not wake her up and have to embarrassingly explain why my boxers were soaked, my stomach was glistening and i smelled like fresh sex, right? then i noticed that the light was on under the door crack. my mom cannot fucking sleep regular hours because she's all retired or some shit. fuuuuuuuuuuuck. i was totally ready for my top secret operation: clean my dick without waking mom. then i had a brilliant idea. my underwear is already packed! but fuck. my underwear is in my car, three flights downstairs, it's 4:45 am, it's below zero degrees and i only have cum-soaked boxers on. this is when i start to get really pissed. not because i realize i'm just gonna toss these boxers and worry about how to hide my nakedness tomorrow morning and thus, avoid questions from my mom like, "why are you sleeping naked when i'm staying here?" no. i had just realized that i didn't even remember the dream. i mean...surely, to do this kind of damage (i mean, we are talking about cum dripping off the sides of an air mattress), i probably had a good one going. i don't even have a remnant. i mean, what if i've somehow repressed an orangutan-fucking dream? what if it was the most horrible, dark, depraved act that i didn't even know i could think of? what if that's what gives my dick volcanic eruptions? now i'll never know if i'm into testicle stabbing. maybe it's a good thing that i repressed it. but on the other hand, what if i was like ravaging the most beautiful of all women and then fighting zombies while doing it? seems like those are some images worth storing, brain. now something else dawns on me. i ruined these shorts, which i had planned to wear on the trip home the next day. i had already packed the rest and didn't want to undo all of my terrific packing! fuck it. bareback kinda day, like that shart at the championship football game a few months earlier. ( edit: shart story available now...http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1azpv8/tifu_by_trusting_a_fart/ ) now i'm like fuck it. i'll peel these bad boys off and just jump back into bed...i'm sure the sheets aren't that bad. wrong. they were. they were still soaked when i woke up 4 hours later. i'm surprised i hadn't somehow spackled the sheets to the ceiling. so now, i'm laying in the stickiest, coldest, wettest, most uncomfortable, fucking bed of all time, with my cum-drenched boxers hidden out of site underneath the bed. this is when i have another dream and this one i remember and it pisses me off even more. it hadn't dawned on me during my earlier panic that sperm has a particular smell, so much. i mean, usually it's faint, who cares? but when an entire painter's bucket of cum has been dumped on you, you will smell it. it was like seawater and cake batter. it smelled, on the one hand, delicious (hey, that's because it's from me) and on one hand like something that came off of a hobo. so during this nightmare, my entire family was in the room smelling this and i had to play it off like, "i dunno. what a weird smell. what could that be? certainly not 178 fluid ounces of baby making juice." eventually, the smell stuck to me and i would have to evade questioning at schools, airports and hospitals. no one ever pinned it on me though. in the morning, realizing that i was nude and still covered in cum, i pretended to sleep until i saw my opening...my mom went out for a cigarette, i showered and threw everything in the washing machine. shit worked out. but goddamn. a nocturnal emission at 28 years old is not pleasant in the least bit. edit: too much shame for my real account. this is my throwaway. thought i should explain that in case you see my 0 karma.

28-year old staying with mom for the night had a wet dream, most epic amount of cum ever. had to sleep in naked shame without access to clean clothes or shower. like, so much sperm for real. like...i couldn't even pee this much cum if pee were cum.

trying to nofap

**background info:** in religion studies (a compulsory subject at my school) some idiot was supposedly having a spasm and said he was having an orgasm, not knowing the difference. so i was on my commute home from school talking to my girlfriend about how school was (we're in different grades) and i started telling her what happened in religion. i tell her about the horrible mistake the kid made and it ended up turning into a mistake of my own. everybody went silent and stared at me. my sister was there too, and it was all she was talking about to me on the ~100m walk from the bus stop home. i'm an idiot.

told girlfriend someone said orgasm in my religion class on the bus, everybody stared at me

saying orgasm on the bus

so i am making the road trip back home after my second semester. i hadn't eaten since around 9 am central time, it was now 6 pm mountain time. i enter the convenience store, here begins our story down to fuckupville. i walk over to the counter and place the items i have decided to purchase, fuck up number one, convenience store pizza, i was starved. fuck up number two, trying to counteract said pizza with the healthy choice of cantaloupe melon and not properly reading the label, more on that later. and fuck up number three, thinking that sweet tea and milk were a good idea combination to wash it all down. (mildly lactose intolerant, but it hasn't bothered me in months) we get about 15 minutes down the road, i've downed the pizza and milk and now it's dessert time. i take a bite out of the cantaloupe and think, this tastes weird... i flip the label up, fucking high fructose corn syrup is the third ingredient. immediately i stop, high fructose fucking corn syrup. being an idiot i continued to eat the shit. it tastes funny still but i am chalking it up to the hfcs. now we are two more hours down the road from that, the pizza and milk are battling it out, nothing out of the norm, just my mind racing hoping i don't end up unlucky and shitting myself to end up on tifu. the addition of this bad cantaloupe added a new level to the gurgles, levels i had never felt before in my entire life. the sugar content of the tea and the nasty 'loupe seemed to combine to create nauseating waves of pure rancid nastiness. i am thinking to myself, please esophagus, don't get shorter, do not make me spill this all over the inside of this car. unfortunately, this is why i am here, i screamed as my esophagus shrunk, pull the fucking car over. and right before it stopped i spewed inside the door, pooling it in the door pockets. i projectile vomit into the new mexico wilderness. within two minutes, it was all over. my nausea was gone and i felt good. until i looked back at the car. apparently busting a gut inside the car caused my mother and sister to vomit as well, i will be trying to clean off my luggage for the rest of the night..

don't fucking eat convenience store cantaloupe, ever**

trying to make healthy eating choices

so i get into the shower like on every normal morning, usually spend five minutes. however, today the soap/shampoo i usually use isn't there. aside from that, we have face scrub and this bottle of irish spring. now, being me, not only am i tired as balls, but i also do not turn on the light. i cannot see what this soap is, and haven't seen it before because i don't look where it was, ever. i assume that it is normal irish spring, knowing that we've had that before. nope. i lather the shit onto everything including my crotch, and just let me tell you, when a soap says "electrify," it means fucking business. this shit is the hot pepper equivalent of soap. i try my best to stop the electrification, but nothing fucking works. water would not sooth it, covering it would not sooth it, and a handfull of face scrub would not sooth it. my five minute in-and-out shower easily became a ten minute sit-there-holding-dick-and-balls-as-if-they-will-fall-off shower. needless to say i used face scrub until there was a charge neutral soap.

my entire crotch is shocked by soap.

using irish spring "electrify"

so, basically i'm a little boy trapped in the body of a hairy mountain of a man. what is a popular thing for little boys to do? well, build potato cannons, obviously. but since i have a job, i can afford to make my cannon a bit more... *industrial.* this includes a [push-button barbecue igniter](http://www.spudfiles.com/forums/files/ig2_636.jpg) to light it off, because only peasants light their spud guns with lantern lighters. so i got the parts after work today with the intent to assemble them some time in the next few days, or over the weekend at least. being the little boy that i am, i decided to start screwing around with the piezo sparker that i bought. so i have the electrode and the wires hooked up, and for some reason i can't get it to spark. so i'm sitting there, clicking away at the button, messing with the gap in the wires, etc. all of a sudden, i realize something - every time i press the button, i get a twinge and sharp pain in my fingers. not much, but it's there. so what do i do? maybe, stop pressing the button? nope. just keep on absentmindedly clicking away, repeatedly shocking my hand, which is numb at this point. eventually i realized that my hand position was what was causing the current to jump across my hand. i am a fucking retard. *

* turned myself into a human jumper cable because i'm too tired to make the connection that - button press = zap.

shocking the shit out of my hand until it was numb.

tifu, i bought my first bottle of wine since i'm celebrating finishing college and wanted to upgrade from my usual boxed variety or beer. unfortunately, i have never used a corkscrew and only managed to remove the cork half-way. instead of re-trying the corkscrew, i decided to try to pry out the cork using a knitting-needle. when that didn't work, and, in fact, i only succeeded in breaking off the protruding part of the cork, i had another burst of inspiration: if i couldn't pry the cork out, why couldn't i just push it in? so, i flipped around the knitting-needle and pushed...with a loud chunk and a splash of wine in my face, the bottle was open! when i filled my glass, however, the glow of my success faded: the wine was filled with particles of cork. gross! so, i don't know how to open a bottle of wine, and i wasted my money, time, and energy, and i didn't even get the fruits of my labor. c'est la vie...

i can't use a corkscrew, ended up pushing the cork into the bottle of wine, and then couldn't drink it because of the bits of cork floating about.

i learned that i have absolutely no idea how to open a bottle of wine.

backstory: i'm working at a summer camp with very few employees (about 20). my roommate is a super nice guy whom i didn't know until this summer. i was gardening with a good friend of mine, and we started talking. my friend commented that no other two workers at the camp would have been as productive as us. we were working hard. this somehow led me to talking about my roommate, whose name i used, saying that he is not the best worker sometimes. i continued to mention how he wasn't the best volleyball player, as we played volleyball last night and he cost our team a few points. we hear a greeting, and turn around to see the head gardener and my roommate. it was the gardener who had said hello. they had just driven up on a card with a fairly loud engine, though i hadn't heard it approaching, so i'm not sure how much was heard. i can only assume that my roommate heard it all. whether he did or not, i feel absolutely terrible and will be apologizing to him as soon as i see him next. my fear is that this is a very small, close-knit community where word spreads quick. i feel like a complete asshole for this situation and would honestly deserve it if everyone found out. i just want to at least sincerely apologize to my roommate. i know this isn't quite as exciting or terrible as a lot of tifus, i just had to get it off of my chest. on a side note, my roommate may not be the best at manual labor, but he is a great event planner and organizer. this whole ordeal is going to change the way i talk (and think) about others.

my roommate overheard me talking about how i don't think he's a great worker.

talking bad about a friend.

i'll apologize in advance for lack of formatting and whatnot, as i'm typing this on my phone. i bought a sony vaio e series back in march that was suppose to come with sony imagination studio programs. i came to find that it in fact does not have these programs. went to the store and they said to call sony. i googled the number for sony customer service. this one came up that said sony vaio tech service. i thought it was a direct line to the customer tech support. fuck was i wrong. (though let me clarify, i asked if it was sony vaio tech support and dude says yes, of course) let this hindu guy on my computer via help44.com. i was thinking "okay dude has to verify that the programs actually aren't there." he proceeds to show me all these viruses and trojans that are in my system,that he put there!!! he then proceeds to tell me that my antivirus is doing nothing and wants to charge me to remove these viruses from my computer. i only realized my mistake once i was off the phone with this guy. (like the fact that he put the viruses on there) computer is fucked at this point. in a complete state of panic. fuck my $780 computer that is only 3 months old is fucked. my husband kept his cool and called the real sony customer tech support. they talked us through restoring our computer. everything is backed up on our external hard drive so no lost files there. restoration is in progress but we aren't out of the woods yet. holy fuck i hope my pc is salvageable. oh yeah don't ever call this 1 (800) 457-2740 number for tech support on your pc! edit: formatting, to the best of my abilities.

hindu guy lied about being sony tech support then put viruses on my pc. called the real sony and hopefully my computer completes the restore process.

calling the wrong number for sony customer service.

let me start by establishing, i'm not a smart person. after a great day at the mall with my sister, we decided to end our trip with some 25 cent candy. my sister immediately went for a handful of m&m's, while i took more time deciding on my treat. gumball? no, skittles? maybe, jaw breakers? nah. then i saw them. crybabies! the ultimate in sour experience. i placed my last quarter (after starting the trip with over sixty dollars) into the beloved machine. with joy, i turned the handle and was rewarded with a large handful of sour candies. as i placed the first one in my mouth hole, a slight moment of germ-a-phobia was brought on. who had touched this candy? who had touched that machine? as soon as it was on my tongue though, i couldn't have cared less. this candy was delicious. as the flavor was dissolved, my taste-buds were greeted with a tangy, mouth twisting sour. my lips pursed, my eyes watering. this was the sourest thing i've put into my mouth in a long time. (let's note that i tend to eat sour things on a regular bases) after that was gone, i proceeded to eat another. that's when the idea hit me. what would happen, if i were to eat them all at once? "no, oogieboogie1996!" my subconscious said, "savor them!" screw that, i thought, shoveling the handful of candies into my mouth. hey, not bad! this is actually o-oh my sweet'n'sour! the candy burst with extreme sour with every bite. this was defiantly not what i had expected. i am now walking through the crowded mall, my face twisted in anguish, while my sister laughs her a-s-s off. as we neared a trash can, i wagered to spit them all out. no! i could do this. i spent my last quarter on this candy, i'm going to finish it! with mouth-firing fury, the candy made it's grand finally. but, before it did that, it left a good sized sore in the back of my mouth. now, my candy is gone and i still have several minutes to wait before our ride home showed up. now, let's stop for a moment and take stock. can we feel our teeth? no. can we feel our tongue? barley. how's that new sore? painful. sister laughing? yes. is she mocking you? oohh yeah. on a scale of one to ten, how bad do we need a drink? 10000 1/2. i proceed to pull the remainders of the water bottle i had brought, out of my bag. finally, some relief! nope. the bottle was empty. my sister had took the last of it and put the bottle bag in my bag. skunk bag. now what? is it too much to hope that our pick up had brought a drink? apparently it was, because she didn't. now, i've got a sore in my mouth and a broken spirit towards the candy i love. edit: bro, do you even grammar?

never, ever, put a pile of sour crybabies in your mouth at the same time. just don't do it man.

stuffing my face full of sour candy

throwaway~ my roommate was out doing stuff with their family and i was washing my laundry with nothing clean to wear, and having just got out of the shower and dried myself i wanted to play some video games. i fired up the tv and started playing a game thinking that my roommate would be gone all day and wouldn't have to walk in on me. i underestimated the time they would be gone. my roommate is a horrible germophobe and they walked in on me stark naked in the living room on the couch. awkward stare. i pointed outside and they went back out. i ran to my room and yelled them back inside. they had me clean the couch and now i'm lying in my room feeling the most horrible i can possibly feel posting to reddit. i guess this is one way to relieve some pressure. edit: life continues on as normal, as if nothing happened. though, i did clean the entire apartment to take my mind off everything.

germophone roommate was away, sat on the couch naked after shower and they walked in on me. total and horrible awkwardness ensued.

sitting naked on the couch

i have a summer job working with insects in a lab. i do a lot of repetitive lab technician type work that includes changing the foliage (i.e. bug food) we have in a bunch of these modified plastic slushie cups that we've turned into cages, each with a pair of insects in them that we're mating. before we can actually take the old foliage out of the cup and put the fresh stuff in, we need to take the insects out and put them in a different cage so that they don't escape while we're changing stuff over. these bugs actually hold onto leaves surprisingly tight and its always a bit of a balance between pulling hard enough to get them off the old leaves and into the new cage while making sure that you don't just squish them with your tweezers. anyways, i'm mindlessly picking bugs out of cups and putting them into other cups when i come across this one insect that is holding onto this leaf strangely tighter than usual. after 30 seconds or so of trying to gently pick this insect off with my tweezers i get frustrated and give it a good hard pull, right as i realize that it isnt holding onto a leaf, its holding onto another insect, mating. well it came off allright, with it's dick still attached to the female and no longer attached to it's body. i mean, it's only an insect, but i still felt pretty bad about it. update: it died. natural causes i assume. no, i dont have pictures of the bugs dick. i did [take some pictures](http://imgur.com/a/qkzhy) of a couple of the other bugs though, in case anyone is curious holy shit fuck up of the week? wow.

accidentally pull two mating insects apart, the male's penis gets ripped off in the process and is left hanging out of the female. i feel pretty bad about the whole thing.

accidentally ripping the dick off an insect

i went to 7elven to get smokes and an ice coffee, no big deal. except i was kinda high which made me paranoid and kinda clumsy. so i'm standing at the ice coffee machine beside a guy and his maybe 12 year old son while they get big gulps. me being the stoned idiot i am, i start the flow of deliciousness into my plastic cup with out adding ice. it seemed like an okay idea to just add the ice after. i mean, what could go wrong. i pushed the cup against the ice release and all hell breaks loose. ice coffee everywhere. including the kid standing right beside me. the guy turned around and said "seriously?!". all i could muster was "oh god i'm so sorry!". i felt so terrible. then i had to stand behind them in line. he shot me a look that made me feel an inch tall.

i spilled ice coffee all over a little boy and his father shamed me with just a look.

getting ice coffee.

today started out like any other day. i woke up, made myself bacon and eggs on a bagel, and called up a buddy to chill. we decided we wanted to go rock climbing, so i grabbed my gear and made my way to pick him up. forces of the universe were clearly against us going climbing together. pulled over for speeding, turns out the cop's radar gun was wonky. dumbasses driving brought traffic to a slow crawl. to top it all off, a bird flew into my windshield, scaring the shit out of me, almost causing me to drive myself into a ditch(jumping made me jerk the wheel). but i made it to his house. he gets in and we shoved off towards my special spot i've fallen in love with. we make the hike in and had an amazing day climbing. i got him to attempt an overhang, and i crushed a route that's harder than i'm used to (on the yosemite decimal system, i tend to climb 5.10c to 5.11c. i crushed a 5.12b). we called it good and decided we wanted to go to a beach and chill before sundown. along our hike out, there is a tent set up, some woman walks out buckass naked, she screams, and a midget runs(his member standing at full attention) out of the tent wielding a knife that was longer than his forearm. he screamed at my buddy and i to the effect of "if you tell her husband, i will find you, i will slit your throats, and then fuck the new hole". ive never met this woman in my life. we skipped the beach and just drove to his house.

woke up, a bird kamikaze'd, i went climbing, then got threatened by a midget.**

going rock climbing.

well not today, but more like a year ago.... hell you don't care. so i used to have a huge fear of the dark when i was 14. no biggy right? wrong! i have a decent group of friends that skate like me and one of them asked me over to hang out. ended up staying over but didn't bring anything to sleep in so i asked him for some sleep shorts. well it was all fine and dandy till it was 2 in the morning and everyone was asleep. i had to piss. now my greatest fear is trying to find the bathroom in a friends house in the middle of the night, but at the time i was to scared to so i decided to piss right there in the shorts he gave me. so there i am 14 scared of the dark with my snoring friend one bump in the night away from seeing me urinating all over his basketball shorts. i almost cried. luckily i maned(?) up and fixed it by (while peeing) by taking the shorts off and using them or suck up all the pee. i put on my jeans and went to the bathroom. threw the shorts in the bathroom trash can and set out to his room to lay back down and hope it all goes smooth in the morning. it did and we had eggs. i still slightly smelled of but covered it up with axe bodyspray(we were 14). i have grown [alot](http://reddit.com/r/alot) since then and have been invited to his house many of times and it had gone off without a hitch.

was to pussy to go upstairs to my friends bathroom so instead pissed on the shorts he gave me but did clean i up.

pissing on my friends shorts.

i go on walks, long walks. during these walks i always bring a water bottle, or two, and drink constantly. now usually this isn't a problem, but today i felt adventurous and decided to walk all way to the other side of my neighborhood. no problem, i've done it thousands of times. just not with a full bladder. now i should start here, seeing as i was fine until this point. i walked past a mcdonalds and thought "gee, maybe i should go to the bathroom now". but no. i was stupid and didn't. i kept on walking. now there's two parts to this other side. the stores and places, and the residential area. of course i had to piss like never before just as i got to the area with houses upon houses. i really had to go, all of a sudden, and i debated whether or not to just pull my zipper down and go near a bush. but the people who live in this part are hoity toity rich assholes, who already called the cops on me once last year, and i didn't feel like it was a good idea. so i put my head down and just started hauling ass. of course, when you have to piss, or crap, walking faster just makes it feel all the more uncomfortable. so i kept having to slow down, speed up, slow down..and this isn't a short walk. i contemplated just pissing in my pants but i was wearing denim, which would show everything. so i just kept hauling ass, and praying i make it. this goes on a long time, feels like an eternity. i finally get to my side, the other side, but of course this comedy of errors is far from over. i manage to get stuck behind a guy with bowl legs, a caravan of high school kids, a wheelchair, and just slow ass people. i'm going full speed at this point, bobbing, weaving, cutting off women with strollers (sorry). fucking finally i get to the place of pissing, a barnes and noble. i run in like a swarm of bees is on my ass, and get to the escalator. my luck it's off. i gotta walk it. at this point my bladder is screaming at me, and it hurts to even walk. i get up, barely, and run towards the bathroom. every other time i come here to piss it's empty. today it's all but full. i don't give a shit if these people get splashed or something, i gotta go. i get to the urinal, and just explode on it. i'm standing there peeing and some guy is standing right behind me coughing on my leg. how he is directing the cough that way, i don't even know. but i didn't care at this point. i finish, wash my hands, walk out, and immediately think this is going on /r/tifu.

trust your bladder. seriously.

horribly underestimating how bad i had to pee

a little backstory - my grandfather passed away a year ago, leaving a car behind. the deal was then that provided i would drive my little sister to and from school every day, i could use the car untill i moved out of the house. i was 18 at the time and had just gotten my driver licence, so this was a sweet deal. fast forward two years, i have now moved away, so the time came to give back the car. my perent's planned on selling it since i didn't need it anymore. so in order for it to be nice and shiny, i decided to wash it. having limited supplies (i only juuuust moved in) i decided to just use a washcloth and some soap. but since the front end had some grime on it that i could not get off, my brain turns off and i decided to use a scourer. you can imagine the outcome. i feel like a moron.

: scourer+car=unhappy perents

washing parents car

so, i'm going to preface this story by explaining to you some things about my room. the latch to my door from the main hallway is very tricky. you have to push that nob in the center at just the right angle while the door is being pushed shut to squeeze the door in close to align the latching mechanism. my and my dad recently moved to this house, but i've been here for a few months now and i've gotten the trick of it, most of the time. also in the room, is a second door leading outside the house. i should also mention that i use that second door to exhale my smoke from my legal weed grown in wa. this day of all days, my dad was having some family friends over to show the house to. i had just come home from the gym, said a quick 'hi', and hopped in the shower. i had met these friends before, and they were alright, but not worth my time when i could be playing some borderlands 2, high. i planned i would simply chat with all them for a quick few minutes after showering and smoking (it had to be right then, because the post-gym blaze is just amazing). so i got my bong ready to go, just when i heard them coming down the stairs to the floor my room is on. but i thought 'oh, i totally locked the door because i just took a shower and i'm naked right now'. i decided to not double check the lock, and continue with my bong hit. so i hit my bong, and then turned to open the door to the outside of my house. as soon as i pushed it open, the suction from the air pressure change pulled open my unlatched door, revealing a naked me with a milked bong around my mouth to my father,and the johnson family. i made i contact.

today i fucked up by not making sure my door was latched while taking a naked bong rip, and being unfortunately revealed by the laws of physics

not making sure my door was closed

so, here's the deal. i'll make this as short as possible. i don't want to talk about it. i'm good friends with my ex's brother. we hang out a lot and play guitar. he's a cool guy. now, his friend tried to kill herself yesterday. i give this whole speech about how she's gonna make it and everything. he cheers up. he gets the news! she made it! :d so we're writing our exam the next day and we both finish writing. we hand them in and jam the electric for a bit. (i'm not a good guitarist. i was attempting to play *nirvana - smells like teen spirit* and failing.) and as he takes out his acoustic, i turn to him and say this. "oh by the way, i told you she'd make it, motherfucker!" we laugh, we talk, we play some songs. it was pretty awesome. she died 11 hours later.

my friend's buddy tried to kill herself. she made it, i bragged about how i knew she would, then she died.

bragging about how "i knew it".

so tifu, well technically yesterday. so i am a male, as the username implies. however due to poor planning i ended up in a history class that focuses on women. as you would expect the teacher is a hard core feminist, and i am one of like three guys in the entire class. the teacher let’s call her ms. s is always complaining how men ruin everything in history; how hernán cortés was an awful person because he was a guy. disregard the massacring of civilizations just because he is a guy is the reason he is awful. the entire semester my teacher talks about how all guys in history want to do is have sex and that is the motives all guys have. despite all this, ms. s has one nice rule and that is if you have a 90% in the class you don’t not need to take her final. so my every last assignment before finals my teacher gave me a c on assignment putting me at an 88%. i figure it must be a mistake and that’ll i’ll just go to her office hours to change it. so i head off to school early to go to my teachers office hours. as i am walking across the quad my university is having a std fair. as i am making my way through the fair one of my friends runs up and puts a sandwich bags worth of condoms in my backpack. (you know not the ziplock ones but the ones that don’t have any way of staying shut). i talk to my friend then proceed to my feminist teacher’s office hours. i plead my case for getting a better grade. she tells me to come in on monday at a certain time to remind her i am not taking the final. i go to reach for a paper and pencil to write down the times. as i go to get them i accidently pull out the bag of condoms with the rest of my stuff. the condoms at least 10 of them spill onto the ground of her office. now a more suave person would have made a joke or played it off. well not me i immediately panic, put away the paper and pencil, zip up backpack, and without saying another word, walk out of her office. so i think it is a safe assumption that i am going to need to take the final in her class now. edit i realized i’m illiterate as all hell.

spilled condoms on my teachers carpet makes me take a final in her class.

spilling condoms during office hours.

so i'm visiting my grandparents and uncle today for a sort of nice family get-together. they live downtown in a fairly small appartment; about 3 rooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom. the problem is, i had eaten two entire buckets of extremely spicey buffalo wild wings, and had to drop a massive care package about an hour into the visit. i saw that the bathroom was very close to the dining room, in which we were all sitting and enjoying some nice apple pie. i planned on holding it until after the meal, but the oncoming storm of chocolate rain refused to be held back. i excuse myself from the table and sit on the can. not a second later the brown waterfall begins splashing into the water, accompanied by sounds which i never thought my stimach would be capable of making. this continued for roughly 25 minutes, with short pauses in between the torrential shitstorms. i could hear the sounds of fidgeting and discomfort coming from the other room, and by the end i felt embarrassed but extremely relieved. i am currently sitting in the living room and trying to make conversation, after having to clean my watery shit off of the inside of the toilet as the water could only take down at most 1/3 of it. but the moral of the story is, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

my grandparents had to listen to me shit a mountain after eating buffalo wild wings the day before.

making my extended family listen to me rip ass. [probably nsfw]

so, this actually happened a few years ago, but i was reminded of it by reading another tifu post and thought is was worthy of this sub... i was a college freshman at the time, and was leaving a marching band rehearsal when my car broke down. i managed to limp it to a gas station where i used a payphone to call for a ride (this was back in the dark ages, when not many people carried cell phones, and cell phones looked like today's cordless home phones. guess that dates me...). while i was waiting, i sat down on the curb and lit a cigarette. as i was finishing up, i noticed a pair of extremely attractive coeds jogging past. being a typical 18-year-old mess of hormones and perversion, i was paying much more attention to all that mobile t&a than i was to what i was doing. long story short, instead of grinding my cig out on the curb like i meant to, i instead stubbed it out on my bare knee. the scream could be heard for miles. the girls turned, saw me, died laughing, and i got a nice little burn scar on my leg that i still bare today.

i chose boobs over brains and used my leg for an ashtray.

using my leg as an ashtray...

so there i am, looking to impress the little four year old i'm babysitting. i get up to the diving board, and i plan on doing a front flip like i have performed a million times. but alas, today is no normal day my friends, for fate had another idea in mind. i load up, and take a mighty leap into the water. and just for a little back story, i am a very athletically built man, 6'3" and 220 lbs. i absolutely nailed the front flip. i come out of the water, turn around, and the diving board is just floating in the pool. i motherfucken' launched the diving board out of the ground and into the pool. i am immediately followed with grief for i totally destroyed it, and i look at the kid i am babysitting and all he can muster to say through his tears is, "it's your fault! your too fat and you broke it!" luckily, when the mom got home she was okay with it and knew it was an accident, but i still can't help to feel absolutely horrible about it.

my fat ass decided to do a flip, flipped the diving board itself.

babysitting.

me narrating this post for those with reading difficulties - sorry that it's rushed, but any longer and it wouldn't let me upload: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0tsu21lrg8o first off: this didn't happen today, it happened last friday, and it wasn't me, it was a co-worker; i thought it'd be ok to post though as i doubt he's a redditor. we work in one of the world's most popular pizza restaurants and i, along with my co-workers are back-of-house workers. there were three back-of-house workers that night: myself; johnny (gas-stop guy) and; sean (working his last shift). so it's friday at 8pm (we stop-serving at 9pm) and cleaning duties are well under way. one such duty is to remove each holding pot of pizza toppings, so it's clean for the next day. well, as i was doing so, there was a trolley behind me, at the entrance of the oven (note: the oven has three-tiers, each with a conveyor belt, so you get standardised cooking time for all pizzas). my co-worker (sean) leaves the spray bottle on the trolley, and knocks the fuckin' thing off the trolley, on to the middle-rack of the 400°c/752°f oven. nobody notices, of course, and it rolls along the conveyor belt straight into the oven. now, the third back-of-house worker (johnny) is running between making and cutting pizzas, and as he approaches me we hear a **boom!** our hearts stop and we stare at each-other for a second like: "ack fuck, what did that eejit do now?" we turn around and, sure enough there are fucking flames shooting out of both the entrance and exit of the oven: i freeze, johnny hits the 'emergency stop gas' button, and, as i turn around, the turkish front-of-house worker has a bloody fire extinguisher in his arms: "how do i use this?!", he says, whilst fumbling around. "i don't know! pull the cord!" he does so, and extinguishes the flames on both sides (although, apparently he was using the 'wrong' type of extinguisher). by this point there's a smoke alarm going off, no gas, and the customers are all half-afraid and bewildered at what-the-fuck is going on. we haven't worked out what caused the fire by this stage, so we're all just half-shocked/relieved that the episode's over. hahaha, i forgot to say, the manager was on the shitter when this happened so out-she-comes wondering what all the commotion is. we evacuate, just as security comes (this is a shopping centre we work in) and they start yelling at us for not evacuating earlier - cunts. when we get back inside, we see the crumpled/exploded remains of the spray bottle and realise what happened. oh, and as an additional fuck-up: the following day johnny (who jumped into action with the gas-stop button) re-enacted it to other colleagues... and hit the fuckin' button again, causing us to have no gas for 30 minutes, and the security to chase up and shout at us again.

co-worker wanted to leave with a bang - that he did, that he certainly did.

making the pizza oven at work explode

so after a very long period of planning today is the day i was going to plan a flight to amsterdam for my friends an i. we all planned on sorting the flights and passport details at around 8. there's 6 of us and only 2 actually answered the phone. i finally get around to do the last 2 and they both have double barrel names, its now 11pm and im getting tired. so of course i completely forgot and only put down their last name. it took me a good hour to realise what had happenned and now ive got to change both of their names on the flight tickets. costing £70 each. im £140 out of pocket and the flights only cost £50. im hoping to god the easyjet gods smile upon me tomorrow when i ring customer support.

have to pay an extra £140 on top of a £50 flight because im an idiot.

not knowing my friends names

[original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1sjpsn/tifu_by_using_my_personal_skype_account_for_a/) first off, i want to thank all of you who gave me a couple of good laughs last night and for the great support. today, after my break i talked with hr, which is actually pretty much just one guy. he was really nice and kinda understood that it was just a dumb mistake, but he told me that the guy who exclaimed "who the fuck is titler?"'s dad had been some freedom fighter in ww2 and was really offended. the upper management guy was worried that i was a neo-nazi or something like that. other than that, he told me not to use my personal computer at work. i got a warning, and that is all. my co-workers is now calling me titler and is joking how i "burn" (for the lack of a better word) off when they call for help.

titler won the war.

update: titlers kampf mit hr

in one of my classes, (community college) we had a take home exam, and i swear that in the email that had the questions and in class my professor said it was due at 2:30 (or anytime from 2:30 to 3:45) on tuesday. i get to class at 3, after doing some double checking of my answers, only to find that my professor's door was not only closed & locked, but had the light off. i freaked out, paced around and walked around the building a couple of times looking for my professor, assuming that he had to be at school still on an exam day. no luck. i email him, explaining the situation and asking if there is anything i can do. at this point, i'm just praying he doesn't give me a zero. i have a great chance of making an a in the class, and if i got a zero on the final i did for hours, i would not only be devastated, but likely would not get into any 4 year school because of the likely gpa drop-off. for 20 minutes i was just refreshing my email. no answer. i then go to re-read the email he sent out of the exam, only to find out our exam isn't until thursday. i didn't know what to think, and didn't feel instant relief. i just sat there thinking "hm, that just happened". so i leave to go work out, knowing i have no purpose being at school anymore, and am just feeling like an absolute idiot emailing him begging for his mercy for me being late to turn in the exam. so the whole drive to the gym all i can think about is how stupid he must think i am. fast forward to 6 and a half hours later. at 9:30 i email him saying "hi professor ___, please disregard my last email as i misread the due date. with that being said, i plan on investing in a calendar." he responds in 5 minutes, and not only did he never get the original email of me begging for mercy, but he did not find my joke funny. i also could have sworn that i sent both emails to everyone in my class, which would have been a downright nightmare. luckily, the disaster was avoided.

i am illiterate

being late for an exam

this was last night, but i went ahead and posted it anyways. so it was valentines day. my friend invited me over for valentines dinner, because she and i both have long distance relationships. let me just note here, that her parents don't know that she's having anybody over while they're out of town, and the same goes for her older brother. well, here's what happened. i arrive at her house at about 4 o'clock, and we're having a grand time talking and cooking fettuccini alfredo (omnomnom.) and then we have dinner and chill for a while. little did we know that her older brother was going to be throwing a house party that night with his girlfriend. so at around 8:30, her brother gets home with his girlfriend. (10/10 would smash) he tells us to get out, that he's having a party. we decide to just go up to her room and hang out there for a while. an hour later, shit got crazy. there's loud music blasting (they live in the middle of the country, hardly any neighbors), people vandalizing the walls and furniture, and people fighting. we emerge from her room after a couple was banging on her door, demanding the room for themselves so they could fornicate. so we went out of her room to go check out how 'awesome' this party was.. the whole house was trashed. vandalism on the walls, vases broken, as well as her cabinets smashed in. there were a good 100-150 people there (it's a huge house.) and we tried to get out. there were people playing around with lighters and axe, screwing around with the cat, and most of all, drinking too much. about every corner you turned there was someone either passed out, or puking. let's just say the whole thing was a clusterfuck. anyways to cut to the chase, her parents ended up getting home early from their week long vacation, a day early. coincidentally, my friend and i were walking out of the house right as her parents pulled up. my parents got called, she's grounded for a month, and her brother has to pay for all of the damages done to the house.

i went to my friend's house for dinner, her brother threw a wicked party while her parents weren't home, house got trashed, and i was involved because we didn't leave early enough.

staying at my friend's house for too long while her parents were away.

i recently moved away from this town i had lived in for a few years, and before i moved i decided i wanted to spend one final movie night with this girl who i had a major crush on. so she comes over to my house and we are having a great time (at least i thought so) and i try to kiss her. she freaks out, jumps up, grabs her phone and basically says "that's not what i want out of this," then she quickly tells me that she hopes i like my new town, and runs out. now i've moved thousands of miles away and i don't know if i'll ever see her again. i've sent her a few texts, but all she replies back with are your standard fare "okays," and "i sees." i don't know what to do next. sorry this wasn't funny, i just don't know what else to do but rant on the internet.

tried to kiss a girl before i moved away, and she ran out on me.

trying to kiss a girl

ok so it was tuesday but that doesn't matter, there was a soccer tornament on monday and everyone was tired so i offered to hook up my laptop. it just so happened that the only movie i had was starship troopers, so it came to the communal shower scene and the vice principal walked in he jumped the immediate conclusion that it was a porno and immediately took my computer. later i got called down to the office and luckily the principal was who we expland to (it's. a small school so the principal knows everyone and is very understanding) but the vp nearly got him fired and suspended me on the spot.

we watched starship troppers, the vp thought it was a porno and nearly fired the teacher and suspended me.

watching "starship troopers" in music class.

to start off - i hate my job and find this hilarious. i've told my dad and best friend so far and they both think this is a joke and are telling me to quit since i don't like working there anyway. ok - so i work for a decent sized building, and i have a friend (let's call her amy) in the groundskeepers office that has a few of the higher up managers in that area. my friend is one of the secretaries in that office and her desk is a bit out in the open. last night - the door to the office area was open because it was being cleaned by a custodian so i put 2 and 2 together and came up with my little prank, and saran wrapped her chair. the next morning, i get a text from amy who is not at work because her dad had a stroke asking me if i did something to her chair because all 3 of her managers are angry. so i was like... oh... alright. i'll let them know who did it and take responsibility for it - no problem. the fix is like 1 minute with a set of scissors, so i don't know what the big deal is... so i emailed one of her bosses (the more chill of the 3) and let him know that i did it, i'm sorry, won't happen again and here is my managers contact info yadda yadda. he requests me to call him. we talk a bit and he said he thought they were given a new chair or that someone played a little joke and played it off, but the other manager did not take it so light... he then informs me that the issue was sent to security by the hardass manager of the three in that office. he apparently was livid and contacted security to video mine to see who had done it because it was a "breach of security", and i should not have been inside. there is picture and video evidence of my saran wrapping the fuck out of her chair (nothing else, i didn't disturb or take anything while i was there), and it has already been escalated to hr. my manager probably knows about it now, but i am off today and have not seen any emails yet. not only that, but that the custodian who propped the door open is also going to get spoken to for "letting me in", when she actually mentioned it to her manager and did what she was supposed to. i'll add that the custodian manager looked me in the eye, saw what i was doing, laughed, and said "don't worry about it, just leave him alone" and kept walking. so ~4 years working it possibly about to vanish because someone who makes 10x my salary has no sense of humor at all. i almost hope that they do fire me because i think this will be a great story later in life... i would pay money in order to be able to tell the story about how i got fired for saran wrapping a chair, as well as be able to point out the fact that the place i work at is getting... well... silly. edit - spelling

if i get fired for saran wrapping my co-workers chair. i am putting that shit in bold on my resume'.

ceran wrapping my co-workers chair.

so me and my ex (we will call her laura) broke up almost a year ago after being together for 6 months. the break up was pretty smooth and consequently we have remained friends since. well today i was on my way to the bus station after i finished college to start my hour long journey home. i am almost there when i get a phone call from laura saying that she is on the car park near the bus station having just dropped off (we shall call him roger) and could give me a lift home. me being the lazy half human, half sloth that i am agreed instantly as it meant i not only saved money but it also meant that i would be home 45 minutes sooner than normal which was great news as i knew my laptop had been returned after being gone for 2 weeks getting repaired. so i haul ass and get to the car park where laura is waiting for me and i get in to the passenger seat (this is where the fuck up begins) and thank her for giving me a lift as my house is in completely the opposite direction to hers. i causally start a conversation with the normal "how are you?" "what have you being up to?" crap that would normally fill up the quick 15 minute drive home. laura mentions how the night before she had being out drinking with roger and a group of lads, so me being the inquisitive fuck that i am jokingly said "oh cool, so are you getting slammed by any of them?" to which she didn't reply, she just had a slight smirk on her face indicating to me that she was indeed, getting slammed by one of them. this didn't bother me, like i said earlier our break up was smooth and neither of us longer liked each other in that way anymore, however, i then proceeded to quiz further in to the dark hole of self hatred that was to come. it turns out that laura and roger where friends with benefits and prior to picking me up had being 'going to town' in her small car... on the seat... i was now sat in. laura then decided to go in to great detail about how her and roger where doing it so hard that the seat got covered in all sorts of human baby making love juices. at this point i had to hold in a mouthful of sick as i realized i had not looked at the seat as i sat down. we arrive at the small town i live in. i feel like the journey has lasted for hours... almost days as my mind has run back to back images of what horrific deeds had happened in the seat i was sat in just minutes before i sat there. we pull up at my house and i grateful beyond belief that my time in this tiny brothel of a car is over... yet there is worse was to come... i go to leave the car and she grabs my hand. i turn to look and as i do she kisses me on the cheek. this normally would not of bothered me, but this time was different... different because she has just spent the last 15 minutes telling me about how she and roger did everything and how he apparently came in her mouth after she sucked him off... i could feel rogers white super solider swimming across my face. i quickly said bye and ran to my house. now i am here... staring blankly in to my monitor after sitting in the shower for an hour and half. i feel violated... dirty almost. today i fucked up, resulting in me having another mans cum indirectly placed on my face.

got a lift home with my ex after she had hardcore fucked a man ending with him filling her up with his man protein to only have her kiss me on the face only half an hour after her sexual encounter...

getting a lift home with my ex...

i had a nice seafood dinner this evening consisting of crab, scallops, and shrimp. everything seemed fine when i finished eating (my stomach grumbled a bit, but it's to be expected since i don't eat seafood very often). a few hours go by and i'm sitting at my computer watching some netflix and enjoying a snack when i feel my stomach start to grumble. i need to relieve some gas, so i do the ol' sideways lean while pondering how bad this will smell. we all know seafood tends to lead to some unique odours so midway through the lean i think "maybe i should head to the bathroom, it'll be easier to air out." nah, i'll just let it out, i'm already in position. big mistake. as soon as i relax my butthole i realise that whatever's coming out of me is neither solid nor gaseous. the dreaded liquid squidgies are coming. i immediately clench myself shut, but the damage is done and i have to cowboy-walk to the bathroom. ruined a perfectly good pair of underwear.

never trust a fart after a seafood dinner.**

eating a seafood dinner

colossal fuckup today. i am in charge of waste management in the supermarket i work at, so part of that job is emptying the bins. i threw a bag into the dumpster today and it got caught on the edge so it was half in and half out at the end of the bin. rather than taking the extra steps to climb down the dock ladder and push it in from the side, i stepped out onto the rim of the dumpster. as i reached for the bag, my foot slipped off the side of the bin and with a loud "fuck" i went straight in. luckily the only fresh waste in there was produce, and i landed standing up on a large patch of lettuce leaves. i've got a lovely bruise and scrape on my thigh (about fist size around) but other than that i'm ok. i was going to just stay at work but by the time lunch rolled around i was feeling pretty shitty so i've come home and i'm about to take the longest shower ever. i'll go back tomorrow for some more laughter :/

took a 5 second shortcut, fell into a dumpster, went home with huge injury to pride and tiny injury to body.

taking a shortcut at work

i was told to wash a rug today that had a rubber backing on it and was extremely gross. i asked if it needed to be washed with the hose outside but was instead told that it could be thrown directly in the washing machine. i figured that if it could be put in the washing machine i could wash it on sanitize and it would be extra clean. i was so wrong. the sanitize setting on my washer uses super hot water so it peeled the rubber backing right off the rug. i didn't peel it off in big sections but instead, in tiny pieces. this naturally plugged the drain. my washer was no longer draining water. i had to open the filter where there is a spot for emergency draining and since i had no idea what was going to happen i managed to cover my entire laundry room in water.

don't put rugs with rubber in washing machines, you will spend more time fixing your mistake then you would by washing it by hand.

washing a rug in the front load washing machine

backstory: i'm very heavily into computers. it's been my life since i was a kid. and due to brain tumor in my sr year of high school, which caused me to drop out, i never really got into the work force. i've had small side-jobs and cash jobs. but nothing i would call a "job"... but i've since fixed my life, got my ged, and on my way to better my life. i have been shooting emails and resumes out hoping for a response.... until... i was outside cutting the grass when i stopped to bag the grass clippings. i heard the phone ring inside, but didn't think anything of it since it would go to voice mail. i then proceed to finish the grass. my dad comes outside (yes i live with my parent) to talk and what-not. i decided to get us some drinks, so i head inside and the phone rings again. this time from my step-mom. so i answer, talk to her, then go to hang up. that's when i see the blinking voice mail light. i went to listen to it and it starts out.. "this message is for rrims. we've received your online application and would like to schedule a face-to-face interview. please give us a call at..." so i didn't think of writing down the number. i go call to my dad to come inside and take a listen (i'm excited i finally got a call back). i go to replay the message and...... deleted. i pressed the wrong button. we don't pay for a voice mail option on our phone bill, so we use a phone system to record the voice mails. and once you delete it on the system, it's gone forever. and i filled out so many online applications that i can't tell which one called. i can't remember the lady's name, the companies name, or the number. update 1: i went through all my applications and tried my best to match the town where she was calling from with the job i applied for. i narrowed it down to 1 job, so i shot her an email last night but haven't gotten a response yet. but i did find their number as well, so i'm calling them as soon as i finish typing this. update 2: good news everyone! called, got through to the lady that left me the voicemail, and now i'm scheduled for an interview monday morning. i'm excited as hell! thanks a ton for all the ideas!

unemployed, desperate for job, accidentally delete my first call-back voice mail out of over-excitement.

deleting the voice mail from a future employer

i posted this in a very dead thread a while back. it took me a fuckin' ages to write, so i'm posting it here too. so it actually happened two years ago. but it was a pretty big fuckup. it all happened in 2011. i was just learning to ride a skateboard, so my buddy and i took his $500 longboard and my $13 warehouse (new zealand walmart) skateboard to various places around town, which i nearly killed myself, but that's another story. we ended up at the most popular skate park in town. after about half an hour of rampy uppie downies, i decided to go over the ramp which is at a sharp angle to the ground. complete ammeter me decided it would be good to put lots of my weight forwards. unfortunately, that was not the case. i fell straight down, all ~65kg of my weight on my two arms. my right arm was bent at an awkward angle. i have a photo, will upload upon request. skip 6 weeks, have cast removed. all is well for about three months afterwards. midway through 2011: was outside maths class, second period of the day. these were when planking was a thing, so we thought it funny if i had a go, planking on a garden. a classmate thought it would be a good idea to push me. i fell off. all was well. then i decided to give him a friendly punch to the arm. with the recently (three months ago) broken arm. pop. "fucking shit fuck arrhgh i've fucking broken my arm again". within moments, my maths teacher arrived. it was the first time i heard ol' smokey joe swear. a trip to the school nurse and a call to my parents left me in the emergency room. from the time i broke my arm, to the time i was given pain killers was about 45 minutes. it was hell. see, the first time i broke my radius the full way through, and the ulna had a crack half way through. this time, i managed to break both of them completely in two. after a quick bone straightening with local anesthetic, it looked good as new. then it was wrapped up, and i was sent on my merry way. one week later, to get the cast removed and swapped for a spangly fiberglass one, the doctor was all "oh, shit, it's not very straight, we're gonna need some surgery up in this bitch" (not actual quote). my mother, who was with me says "when will this be? we might be away for the next couple of weeks". mr. doctor person retorts "well, i was thinking sometime in the next 12 hours". next thing i new, i was lying in a bed for about 6 hours, because i wasn't allowed to eat before the surgery. standard practice, i know. considering i am right handed, and it was my right hand that broke, i was using a laptop for my school work. i played halo ce for a while, using a trackpad. i made it maybe 20% through the campaign on normal difficulty. so i went into a surgical gown, got the ol' count back from 10; "ten, nine, eeeiiighht, ssevvbrrrggghh". woke up about two hours later, completely disoriented, with my parents next to me. fuck man, my nose was itchy as a motherfucker. my mum scratched that bitch up. went back to sleep, pissed myself, had to get my bladder ultra sounded to be sure there was none left. went back to the dream time. when i woke up, i was granted the company of older gentleman, the youngest being about four years older than myself. we had a jolly old time. then came breakfast. it was awful. the toast was rubbery, and i couldn't butter toast with my one good hand. there was soup, but i hate soup. oh, and cerial, but the milk was a little bigger than a mcdonald's sweet'n'sour sauce thing. so after about 18 hours of not eating, i had one plain piece of rubbery toast, that was barely cooked. skip about eight weeks, cast was removed. my arm was really skinny, and really hairy. that didn't matter, i burned the hairs off on the stove anyway. hey, i was cold, and i don't have a heater. i also have a totally wicked scar about 15cm long on the underside of my right forearm. that and seven platinum screws and a stainless steel plate. edit: may even still have the old video of them straightening my arm out the second time. i'll have a hunt around the terrifying abyss that is my c: drive. edit again: i get it, two years ago wasn't "back in the day". it's fixed.

broke arm skateboarding, broke arm 3 months later by punching someone. arm was bent, needed surgery. wet the bed, had ultrasound. got internal bling. the toast was terrible.**

punching someone

i laugh now about it. i was making dinner tonight when my eye itched. like any normal human i rubbed it with the back of my hand. the problem: my hands were full. in the one was uneatable vegetable matter, in my dominate hand were some green onions. i somehow managed to rub my eye not only with the back of my hand, but the end of the onions as well. it burned for a short bit but i am good now.

i wiped my eye with an onion.

rubbing my eye

actually this was from last year but i have a lot of fuck ups from my freshmen year of college. who doesn't? so it was my first quarter in college and i had an exam in my business law class which was at 8 am (i had no choice in taking the class). i decided to stay up late to study for it the night before. usually staying up late isn't a problem for me because i take meds for add and that keeps me up pretty late by accident anyway. this night though i was having trouble staying up so i decided to by one of those starbucks cappuccino things which was a gamble already because i'm lactose sensitive. pure milk and high quality ice cream gives me the runs and it's a toss up with any other milk products. luckily, the milk in the coffee didn't bother me. it didn't wake me up though either. i was still extremely tired at about 3:30 so i decided to just go to sleep. this was about an hour after i drank the coffee. i went to the bathroom and i popped one of my pills so that it would gently wake me up in time for class the next day. by the time i actually got into bed it was almost 4:00. fast forward 4 hours. i wake up suddenly, a little confused and checked my phone. it was ten till 8. then i realized something was off. i looked down. i pissed the bed. caffeine runs right through me even worse than alcohol. i got up but i didn't have time to clean myself up. all i could do was throw on a pair of waterproof track pants over my pissy shorts before i ran to class. i had to sit in those pissy pants for 50 minutes before i could go back to my dorm and shower. the worst part is that it was all for nothing because i dropped the class a few weeks later.

i drank coffee before bed, pissed the bed and overslept, then didn't have time to clean up before i went to class.**

trying to stay up late and study.

so, it wasn't a today actually, more like a few days before last week, that i was having a conversation with my friends as usual. now, in my school, we go outside to eat lunch, so we're in the neighborhood walking down the street as i already stated, and we were walking down past a deli that nearly everyone buys at (and i was banned from it, but that's a different story). so in our little conversation, a need to shout to phrase "fuck the police" ran through my head and i went with it, since usually, this would go unnoticed. my luck however was different, as we were walking past and i shouted the phrase, my spanish teacher peeks out of the store and reprimands the group. the most awkward moment of it was when i bent down and apologized quietly.

version: shouted fuck the police in front of my spanish teacher.

shouting profanity near a popular deli

this happened about 4-5 hours ago. so here it is, several days after valentines day and i'm walking on my college campus with my girlfriend to go pick up a package her mom had sent her containing lots of valentines day candy and such. well we pick up the package and walk about 20 feet when out of nowhere a tall skinny kid about 18-20 years old comes running and grabs the package from my hands. but here's the thing, **he's maniacally laughing the entire time.** first thought that entered my mind is i'm trying to see if i know the kid from class or a club or something, nope. quick glance to my girlfriend next to me says she doesn't know him either. so then after about 20 seconds of trying to grab the package, he rips it open and candy goes flying everywhere. at this point, we are in the middle of the hallway in one of the busiest buildings on campus. the kid starts trying to wrestle me. sweet. i trained in mma for about a year, so i know some stuff. i immediately go for a trip takedown, and when he puts his hands on the floor to stand up, i sink in a rear naked choke. first i'm not squeezing that hard, but then i get pissed thinking how much of a pain he caused me. by the way, i'm borderline sick today and the only reason i even went to school was because i had a huge test. add this to the fact that i'm lugging around a 30 pound backpack with books, binders and laptop, and you could see why i'm pissed when someone tries this crap on me. so here i am, applying the choke, and all these college kids (about 30 or so) have formed a big circle around me and a bunch of girls start screaming that i'm gonna kill him, and i can tell i'm about to put him to sleep, so i loosen the choke. oh and i've got my 30 pound backpack on this whole time. i guess here is where i should mention that i'm about 5'7 and 130 pounds and this kid is about 6'0 and 200 pounds. needless to say he's got some size on me. so i've loosened the choke, but i'm still holding it firm but not squeezing at all. the kids starts grabbing my hair and just pulling the crap out of it. the girls are still yelling that i'm gonna kill this kid. so i start arguing with them, telling them he's gonna run if i let him go. they keep screaming at me. fine. i let go, and hold firm around his waist. he stands up and starts dragging me, while standing, trying to run away. i implore any bystanders to help, and these two big-ish guys help me hold him there. finally, an employee of the college shows up and informs us that the police are on their way, but he can't touch the kid. so this kid is still dragging the 3 of us around and we're trying to hold him. finally, we agree that we'll put him on the ground. so we ground the kid and he just starts unloading punches at me, mostly top of the head, but some hit me in the jaw (which is now sore and slightly swollen). college employee jumps in and helps us hold him down til police get there. they take, my, my girlfriend's and some other witness statements. at this point i hear a bystander mention that they know the kid and he's mentally ill. crap, i should have realized earlier. now the police pull me aside and start grilling me, asking me if i thought the kid was an imminent threat to me and actively trying to harm me. i point to the fact that he punched me in the head several times. then the officer informs me that i could be arrested for applying "deadly force" in the form of the choke, which is a felony. pshhh, i tell him, that's complete bs, dude tried to rob me. so it ends with me telling the police that yes i'd like to press charges for assault and attempted robbery. and the police informing me that they will contact me and the kid may try to press assault charges on me. by the way, before someone complains, i'm only pressing charges because clearly this kid is either off his meds or on the wrong ones and they need to be adjusted. if his doctor informs me that they have fixed the medication and he is indeed taking them, and i get an apology from the kid, i will gladly drop the charges against him.

kid tries to rob me, i choke him, he punches me, whoops he's mentally ill, cops come and tell me i might be arrested for a felony in the near future; all legal advice welcome**

using my mma skills on a mentally ill person (long)

this is a little story about the second time that i ever sharted. this happened a couple months ago, but i haven't told anyone because talking about sharts will probably not get me a girlfriend. so, there i am in indianapolis for the big 10 football championship. i'm originally from nebraska and my friend got offered some tickets, so we were like "what the hell? i guess we can go watch nebraska win their first big 10 title. woot woot. party," and all of that stuff that you think when your team is about to totally rape it's opponent. i mean, no way could the huskers lose this game to a wisconsin team that had struggled all season, right? they certainly wouldn't have the biggest loss in 60 years, right? they wouldn't get so embarrassed that the nebraska fans would leave the game by halftime, right? the state wouldn't riot and try to get a once beloved coach fired and shit, right? i probably wouldn't shart earlier on gameday, right? fuck that game. i've tried to forget it and move on. but just like indiana jones 4...it haunts me. it's always there. in the background of my mind. waiting to all of sudden pop into my head and ruin my whole week. there's so much more i could have done! i could've cheered harder!! why didn't i believe more? so, back to the shart. my friend and i found a plane and hotel package that was cheaper than getting them separately. the only problem was that we had to leave on wednesday to spend five days in indianapolis. oh, well, not like i had a job or anything. and what is there to do in indy that isn't professional sports, you might be wondering. well, from the guidebooks that the hotel gave us, we quickly learned that you could get drunk a lot. we may have been sober for three elapsed hours out of this five-day excursion. (i do have to point out here that downtown indy has some phenomenal bars and chill people filling them.) on game day, we get up early (noon) and head to our tailgate party where i waste no time in getting shmammered (shit-canned and hammered). i was so hungover from the night before that a great truth revealed itself to me: the only cure for this monster hangover is more booze. my pace was phenomenal. i mean, people came to my table watch me pound beers and marvel at this sideshow attraction. "i'm on vacation!" i would shout at the on-lookers gathering with sadness and pity in their eyes. at about 12:15 pm and beer 8, i felt a rumbling in my stomach. "that's just my hangover settling," i thought. i actually don't know why i would think that. that's not even a thing that makes sense to think. but i knew i had a gasbomb to expel and because i don't care about my friends, i decided to just let go. mistake #2 after getting wasted in less than an hour and literally saying, "fuck breakfast!" as i left the hotel. i knew something was off immediately. how could i have not known?! i'd always been so careful! the only other time i sharted was in college. i was on a roadtrip with three other dudes and we had to drive with the windows down for four hours. i panicked, frankly. i had that look on my face that george w. bush had when they told him a plane crashed into the twin towers. i couldn't decide what to do for what felt like an eternity. so i chugged my beer and told my friends, "i'll be right back." then i waddled over to the restrooms. the atmosphere in a tailgate party restroom is one of desperation. there just aren't enough toilets in the world to handle college football saturdays. the line was insane already. we're talking 35 guys in one bathroom (3 urinals and 2 stalls). seriously, they should sell beer in the restroom line, though. two reasons -- 1) if you run out, you are literally trapped in line and wasting valuable drinking time. 2) the lines are long enough, that you could just stay in line all day. pee, then get back in line and you'll need to go by the time it's your turn anyway. so it's finally my turn and i have to turn to the guy behind me in line and utter the most dreaded phrase you can on football day: "i'm waiting for the stall." no one wants to hear this phrase. first of all, pooping in a public restroom when there are 35 people in it is a crime against humanity. second, every toilet is precious real estate and the small bladdered old men behind me panic because they forgot their super-beta prostrate that day. finally, i get a stall and i go in to check out the damage. you know how poop is brown? yeah. this wasn't. it was like my water broke. my boxer-briefs were soaked. it smelled and felt like if someone had filled a water balloon with ball sweat and threw it at my ass. the smell was really overpowering. i mean, it really was like if poop could sweat. i spent a minute trying to wipe down my shorts with the one-ply toilet paper, but literally half a second later, i knew they were a lost cause. fuck it! i'll go bare-back and hope to not shart again today. now i realize what a predicament i'm in. you see, i have a fear of stripping down in a public restroom. i don't think it's that uncommon. i just don't want someone to ask why my shoes are off in the restroom. i don't want my socks potentially touching where someone's piss has splattered the ground. i don't want to chance dropping my jeans in a toilet that has had thousands of turds within it's porcelain shell. then again, maybe it is uncommon. in my previous life as a stock broker, there was this dude in his 60s that used to always be walking around shirtless in the bathroom. i'm not making this up. this dude would go into the bathroom for his post-lunch shower(?) every day and we'd all get to see him rubbing down his moobs with toilet paper. and this is who you trust with your 401ks! so while i'm trying to get the nerve to take off my pants, i overhear the conversation on the other side of the stall. "who takes the stall on gameday?! people should shit and puke at home! i need to pee!" surprisingly, this gets a lot of rabble rabble rabble from the line outside. now i'm actually scared. because now i know that he said that loud enough for me and the gentleman slaughtering the cow next to me to hear. fuck it. i'll take eeeeeextra long to get out of here so he doesn't recognize me. then i get a brilliant idea. i'm strong. i'll just rip these badboys off. so i grab the cock flap thing and start tearing. boom. easy enough. get through one leg and then i realize that this was stupid as fuck. because now i realize that there's way more work than i thought. i have another leg and then there's still the waistband. ugh. the left leg proves to be harder. boxer-briefs are put together in such a way that the left leg is like all one piece? not really attached to the middle in the same way as the weaker right side. now i have to pull out my keys to dig a hole in the left side and gain the upper hand. boom. get through the left leg. i'm flushing the toilet like every couple seconds now so people can't hear the tearing noises from my stall, by the way. now for the elastic waistband. goddammit. it's too strong for keys. i can't tear it or rip it. it's elastic! it's made to resist tearing! so now i have only two choices. pull this shitty (figuratively and literally) loincloth back on and get the fuck outta this hell i've created or chew through the band. i chose chew. it took 10 minutes because there are so many threads and elastic threads in that band. i'm almost crying when i finally break through and i'm free. now to hide the evidence. oh, fuck. how am i gonna get rid of these shit covered underwear in the bathroom! people are going to see it! i thought about flushing it. but i knew that this could turn very quickly into a farrelly brothers movie and i just had a feeling that i would have to explain all of this to the police when the toilet inevitably overflowed. i just balled them up as tight as i could and hoped that no one on the outside was looking. luck was on my side that day, friends (well...i mean...okay, i guess it wasn't really). i got to the trashcan and buried the shorts under a mountain of paper towels before anyone noticed. i wanted to run right then. fuck handwashing! don't get caught! but i knew i had to. because i had poop sweat all over my hands. i washed, breathing heavily as if i had just run away from a dinosaur. i get to my table and my crew was like, "where the hell have you been?" as they handed me another beer to chug. my only excuse was a bad one. "puking." now everyone thinks i'm on a puke n' rally. just then a gentleman came up to me and said my name. i turned, seeing a guy that i used to work with (not bathroom shower guy, but he sat by that dude). he then says, "i saw you in the bathroom, guy." my face flushed as my brain shouted at me, "how much does he know!! murder him and hide the body!!" he didn't tell anyone. but after that fucking game, i got wasted and blabbed about it. someone tweeted about it. the few that know still joke that "chewing through underwear" is code for having the most drunk fun you can have. also, this is the shart story referenced here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1a9p0y/tifu_by_trying_to_nofap/

i sharted at the big 10 championship and had to eat my way out of my underwear.

trusting a fart.

after a month of saving up to pay a super speeder ticket, i was finally out of debt (with *only* 6 points on my record... sigh) and had some money to spend. first thing that was on my list was an oil change and radiator hose fix for my 92 honda prelude. so i arrive to the auto parts store and explain to the guy what i need. he's dumbfounded by the way that i create my sentences and so i go to show him. pop my hood, point to where the bad hose is and all is looking good for my baby. like all cars, the hood had to be held up by a steel rod. my car came with the rod unbolted from the engine bay and just sits in the trunk instead. my fuck up was laying it on top of the latch that secures the hood down just so that i could go in and pay for the oil and hose quickly instead of fully closing it first. you'd expect someone to remember shit like that but nope, not me. i come out of the store feeling like a million bucks because my car was going to get some loving care. right away i pull off onto the road. about a mile down, just like a scene from gta: san andreas, the hood of my car peels right the fuck off and lands on the side walk. there were 2 guys walking by and they were laughing their asses off at my misfortune. of course i do a speedy u-turn and go back to pick up what was rightfully mine. the hinges on the side were torn to hell but i still attempted to set the hood on top hoping there was some way to hold it down. and there was! the latch on the front still locked the hood down like it should have in the first place. when i get home, my mom is freaking out asking me what happened. ashamed of the my own fuck up, i tell her that i ran into a deer. good news is my car got its oil changed and hose fixed.

went to store for oil change and hose fix, forgot to properly lock down my hood, it peels off on the road.

forgetting to secure my car hood down

i've had a runny nose for the past 2 days. no problem. just use a whole bunch of tissues. until tonight. i really wanted some pops because i was hungry and nothing else caught my eye, so i ate a bowl of milk and the cereal. i was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep when i shifted a bit. bad move. i start coughing ( i have a very weird dry cough so it feels like a lion's scraping the inside of my chest.) i think it will pass, but i keep coughing. like a car crash happening in slow motion, i realized i was going to throw up. i turn on the light, start leaving my room, but my stomach can't wait to make it to the toilet. i start barfing in the hallway, and put my hand up to my chin, catching all of my half digested pops and goo in my hand. i bolt to the toilet and start letting it out, using my good hand to hold my hair back. you never feel truly vulnerable until you are barfing up everything you've eaten in the last 6 hours with no way to call for help. i managed to finally stop when the cupcake i'd eaten started to make an appearance, and cleaned myself up. i am writing this until i feel safe enough to go back to bed. goodnight reddit.

: don't drink milk when you have bad lungs, or you will end up like the dumbass i am.

gotta have my pops

first off, this happened over 10 years ago, back in elementary school, i have since learned my lesson and i feel horrible about my actions and wish that i could take it back. if i ever meet this girl again i will apologize profusely for the terrible way i bullied her. back in third grade there was a girl, lets call her "kelly" well anyway kelly had a chronic skin rash which i now realize was probably plaque psoriasis . anyway she was always very bright and teachers loved her. being the delinquent i was at that age, i was essentially her opposite in about every way. i eventually became so mad and jealous that teasing was the only way i could express my anger (i know this sounds kind of like in defending my actions, but trust my i'm sick to my stomach with guilt as i write this). so i started calling her lizard girl, and eventually the whole class got into it and eventually the whole grade, she would constantly burst into years over the name calling over something she couldn't control and after 4th grade she left our school and began home-schooling because she couldn't take it. it even got so bad as she tried to cut her arms with the safety scissors in a desperate attempt to be sent home from school. years later i am so ashamed of my actions and in the off chance that "kelly" is a redditor and is reading this. i am so sorry. you have every right to hate me and i don't expect you to forgive me, but i'm sorry.

i bullied a girl who had plaque psoriasis so bad, that she started home-schooling.

bullying a girl with a chronic medical problem.

i am so sorry. i am late 20’s, 5’7”, lean with muscles, getting nicely drunk at a house party that i don’t know the hosts, or their friends. but i was invited by a stranger at the first party i was at... i rolled in with no beers as i had no money but really, there’s almost always extra beers at the middle of the evening, right? i am happy, outgoing and looking forward to meeting new chicks. i don’t remember much about you (lots and lots to drink) but your robust drinking style makes up for any otherwise dealbreakers as i eye-lock you across the crowded kitchen. i am at the fridge, i open it up and grab 4 bottles of beer, signaling to you to meet me at the other side of the kitchen island to pick up your fresh beer. when after fighting through tightly packed bodies i find you making your way to the meeting spot… i realize it’s going to be a very exciting night for you and me; you like beer. i smile at you and hand you a bottle. looking at my other hand you ask where those beers are going? i reply with a smirk that maybe i’m feeling thirsty. you tell me the price to meet you and talk with you is 2 beers and i had better hand over another bottle immediately. actually, i was planning to feed you another beer but didn’t think you would want to know that intention up front. sweet! you can hold onto your own stash! we talk, argue, smile and both continue to drink like prohibition begins tomorrow. soon i’m forging back into the kitchen to rescue the remaining 2 bottles out of the bottom drawer where i hid them earlier, fully annihilating the expensive designer 6-pack that was never mine to drink. this party has real adults, in their 30’s, that buy the good shit, unlike the post-college party i started at. blackout. yeah really. can’t remember anymore at the party, aaaaaaaaandd not really sure how we left and how we ended up at, your place. yep, your place. that’s where it happens. i think we begin sex, but not sure we finish, either of us. maybe i fell asleep on top of you and you enjoyed this passive cuddling? i wake up in a panic. i have to pee. now! f#ck. i’m in some strange house, you brought me here in the dark and didn’t turn on any lights as you led me into your lair…. i’m so f#cked. i have no idea where the f#ck i am. i have no idea where your bathroom is!! i need to pee!!!! you keep your bedroom ultrabrutal tidy, some ocd i’m sure. maybe your binge drinking is an effort to balance the obvious control issues? but it’s cool because i’m in pain i’m trying so hard not to pee as i stand up in bed to walk off the end and onto the floor. thank god there’s nothing out of place on the floor in the dark for me to twist an ankle. i think i’ve just sprained my stop-pee muscle; i have never been in this type of pain! i can’t do it. i can’t. there is no way i can wander about your house naked, with many housemates in many rooms, searching for the bathroom with the toilet, continuing to hold back the tsunami of urea and uric acid and nitrogenous wastes. fml. the urine is now backing up, backing up up up into my brain. my brain is full of urine. i can’t think. i want to cry, moan, i want to sob hysterically. this is pain that morphine and fentanyl in no way can block, no way. i see your closet door. i hobble the long 3-feet to the door and open it. it’s pitch black inside your closet, nothing. i need to let this tidal wave out, now! i am drunk, please remember this; i likely have a blood alcohol concentration of over 0.250 and by that i mean a lot! i am soooooo drunk, and asleep! i need to piss like yesterday, i am mad drunk and completely unconscious as i stand teetering naked at your open closet. and, i, pee. this doesn’t seem too bad. i mean, it’s completely dark, i can’t see a thing, there’s nothing inside this closet? it’s empty? i am peeing. much better to piss a little inside an empty closet rather than pee all over your bedroom. ohhhhhhhhhh, yes, i am peeing. still peeing full force i totter a little bit inside the closet. shit, there are shoes on the floor, lots of shoes, all over the floor. peeing feels so good, nothing could feel better than complete surrender. i am peeing all over the floor, all over the shoes all over the floor. i cannot stop. this is going down. then i get a good idea. if i pee in one spot then i’ll completely soak and ruin whatever is there, but if i swing all around, if i pee a little here, a little there, a little over there……. yes, that’s consideration. i am a considerate one-night stand and i’m no amateur at drinking and dating. i got this. so i begin to swivel my hips and let it fly where ever it may go, in the pitch blackness. i do my best to move my stream, never too long in one spot. i feel good, i am working a plan, with kindness and compassion in my heart, i pee a solid unending stream of hot stinky urine. and then i realize that i don’t need to pee only on the floor, i can also spread it over the blouses hanging on the low rod and the things in piles on low shelves. if each item gets just a little spray then nothing is ruined. she might not even notice. i pee. i pee. i pee. this will never end. i am getting tired with this work. i stop swiveling my hips, i think i’m going to throwup. i remain still, and keep peeing. playfully i do a thing that all men and boys know, i tilt my hips backward and arch the stream upward. i figure i’ll try to tag some high targets before the peak force of my pee wanes. just spreading my work out, trying to not ruin any one thing. peeing. slowing down, now. slowing down. feels good to finish this load. felt like about a quart. yep, that is certainly possible when a man drinks a f#ckton of beer. a full hot oily quart of fresh piss. done. i swagger back to bed and feel like sexytime but also feel like celebration will bring my stomach up thru my mouth, so i gently slide back into bed. i try to swallow some water from your nalgene sport bottle but my insides don’t want that. well, they probably do but i fear i’ll puke immediately. and i crash. gotta pee!!! i open my eyes, it’s barely getting light out, your windows are large and have no curtains or blinds on them. i see you sleeping facedown, have no idea what your face looks like. can’t remember from just 5 hours earlier at the party. my head hurts, and i gotta pee. i gently stand up in bed and walk over to the edge and step down to the floor, your room is so clean. i grab my pants and put them on in awkward struggle as i move to your bedroom door. i find the bathroom just immediately down the hall, and i pee. i don’t flush because i’m considerate and don’t want to make noise so early in the pre-dawn morning. as i re-enter your room i look over at the closet. oh yeah, that weird dream….. that was really f#cked up! but….. and i walk over to the closet, put my head inside, and wait. ahhh f#ck!!!!!!!!!! it smells like a f#cking rat cage!!!!! nasty urine. everywhere!!!!!!! hurrying with fear i pick up my shirt and snatch my shoes from beneath your bed. f#ck my socks? i really don’t give a shit about them at this moment. my undwear too! don’t need it!!!!! i quickly lope out your bedroom door, shirtless. i cruise down the hallway, down the stairs, it’s getting lighter outside. the stairs are creaky 1920’s wooden but speed is my defense, i must keep moving fast. i must evacuate, now! i can’t seem to figure out which path is the shortest to the front door. i can’t see the front door but i can sense where it should be. f#ck it, i’ll navigate the back of the house, i’ll go out the backdoor. goddamnit! i have no idea where i am and no idea how to get out of this hell hole!!! i run to the left and then forward, finding the front door. i stress out, freaking that maybe it’s a keylock deadbolt that needs a f#cking goddamned key to unlock from the inside! f#ck f#ck f#ck f#ckitty f#ck!!~!!! spin two small knobs, unlock the door, grab the handle, push it open…. and escape in my pants no underwear, with shoes and shirt in hand. and i run!!!!!!!! i knew nobody at that party where we met. i only knew about that party by a stranger i met at the prior party. but you don’t know any of that. i can’t recall your freakin name! maybe you’ve forgot mine? as i run away i take great pains to avoid looking at any street signs, i want to get 10 blocks away in any direction before i learn where the f#ck i am. i want no reason to ever ever ever stroll past your house….. just to look…… eventually, i look at a street sign and learn that i’m somewhere on capitol hill, but totally no clue just exactly where and really not the first clue on how to efficiently begin walking home. no matter; presently lost, 6 miles of walking in the light rain in a cotton short sleeve shirt, no socks….. this is the easy party. this is easy. i can do this. escaping that hell hole of a house with a closet putrifying from 1 quart of hot oily urine sprayed all over every single item…… that was the hard part. escape. success. -- the next part is fiction, at least, i have no way of knowing what actually happens but i’ll do my best to paint a realistic epilogue. you wake up, face down, your head hurts when you turn it. you may or may not remember “me” from last night at the party. you may or may not remember “me” from last night inside your body. it’s light out, but there’s no sunshine ‘cuz this is fall in seattle so it’s raining. of course. a little bit later you do remember “me” and you remember “me” in all the ways there are to remember. a smile comes to your face, but slips off when you look about your bed, then you look about your room and you don’t find “me.” you instantly consider me a thoughtless dick, in all senses of that phrase. i ducked out after our one-nighter without even a cute note. i leave no trace to ever being there. your head hurts but you know from your solid career of binge drinking that a glass of emergen-c with painkillers followed by some herbal tea will be your friends in recovery. you step out of bed and see my socks on the floor by the side of the bed and my underwear hanging from a shitty sculpture you made in highschool but still can’t seem to get rid of. you’ve no idea how or better yet why my worn-out and centerline-stained underwear are hanging from your art? “maybe he’s still here? maybe he’s making tea for me? maybe he’s cooking a sweet country breakfast and using any food he finds in the frig i share with 4 passive aggressive bitchy girls?” you walk over naked to your closet. you open the door. you reach inside to get your comfy robe. you grab your robe and put it on. the overfull and cloistered closet smells like your 10-gallon fish tank when you were in junior highschool and had 6 mice after the original fish residents all died from lack of care. your closet smells like 4 homeless men have used it as a common urination spot for several months. what the f#ck!!!!!!!!! -- honestly, i can’t even begin to imagine what you must have thought, felt, endured from my actions. the questions you have will never have any answer that is safe and reasonable. “who in the f#ck was that guy that picked me up, f#cked me (or not?), and then after i fell asleep he creeped out of bed and sprayed 2-gallons of oily stinky potty urine on everything i own??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who does that??!! why me?????!!!!!!!!!!!” i. am. sorry. this happened nearly exactly 20 years ago, in seattle, on capitol hill. i have finally felt the need to attempt to apologize, in some form. i have suppressed this memory, i have not thought about it. but today 2013 the entire memory was completely unearthed, no longer suppressed under a bedrock of denial. i am so so sorry. so sorry. edit: i just remembered why she had no curtains or shades on her windows even though there was a streetlight across the road that lit her room up, she said she hated curtains because they couldn't be kept clean and dust free. she was a dust / germ freak.

– i sprayed a quart of pee on all her clothes then disappeared

featuring beer, pretty girl, piss and cowardice

throwaway because i'm reasonably sure i got caught on camera. so i have an athletic competition this weekend, so i'm trying to hydrate well this entire week. yesterday, i drank two gatorade bottles of water (64 ounces) in the last hour and a half of the workday. i had an event downtown, about a one-hour drive in traffic, and i drove off not suspecting anything, and i didn't bother to empty the bladder before leaving work. by the time i got close to downtown, i was feeling the effects of the water, and i needed to piss. badly. well, it turns out, parking is a bitch downtown, and as expected, there were no spaces available near where i was going, nor could i just get out and pee in a bush because there were cops all around and public urination apparently causes you to become a sex offender. you know there's that tipping point between having to pee and having to pee? if you don't (and if you said that you don't, then you're lying), imagine a dam. it's holding the water back, as more and more water builds up. then, it leaks just a little bit, as a warning that it's about to burst. that's where i was. finally, i walked into a mcdonalds, and lo and behold, it's an area where there are a lot of homeless people, so the bathrooms are locked and you have to insert a token to open the door. i went to the front, ready to burst, and asked for a token, and she said it was open. tried the door again. no luck. someone was in there. next to the door, however, there was one of those janitor buckets filled with dirty water, and i was in a fairly secluded corner of the restaurant. there was a small but noticeable wet spot on my pants at this point, so i made a decision and dropped trou and went, just enough so that i could hold the rest back while whoever was in that bathroom was taking his sweet time. i zipped my pants the guy finally emerges. it was a mcdonalds worker, presumably cleaning the bathroom. "sorry, sir," he said in a hispanic accent. he took his mop and put it in the bucket where i just went, and carried on cleaning the floors, none the wiser. i rushed into the bathroom, finished my business, and walked out in shame as quickly as i could, but not before noticing the security camera pointed right at the bathroom doors. i had my back to it the whole time, at least, so my junk wasn't on camera for all (or at least all employees) to see.

somewhere, a guy just cleaned the floors at mcdonalds with my pee.

not using the bathroom.

so, i was sitting watching telly last night while tapping away on my laptop, working on an assignment. because it's the evening, and i'm an idiot, i was sipping on a hot chocolate because hey, it's cold. my cat is sat on the back of the sofa silently (unknown to me) watching the street outside, there are gasworks being done outside and they're packing away all the machinery into this container that they've put out down the road. anyhow, something freaks the shit out of my cat, being the skittish old bitch she is, and she jumps down off the sofa. she gets her claw caught in the fabric which freaks her out more. talking of freaking out, i didn't realise she was there. so mid sip, she makes me jump spilling the grainy hot chocolate eveywhere. i look down. the floor is covered in hot chocolate, i'm covered in hot chocolate, and my laptop is covered in hot chocolate. i'm no technical queen, but i know shit is going down. my skin is stinging but i prioritise my the most important/expensive thing in my life, and i go get some kitchen roll. i mop up the keys, and before i go to turn it off. it goes blank. the genius bar is booked up for the next week and i'm not around during the local repair shop's opening times, and i don't know how much is backed up. so i'm probably going to be paying for a short-circuited laptop and losing up to 5 years of photos, music, documents and whatever the hell else. i realise this isn't as interesting as all the other gold on this subreddit but i'm so panicked and i've got to think about this till wednesday. **edit:** i've taken it to my local pc repair place, who luckily to apple products, and it has power but the monitor's been affected, so it switches on but doesn't show it on screen. so the hard drive is ok :d

spilt the worst liquid you can spill on a macbook, probably short circuited it, lost up to 5 years of stuff, and i can't get an appointment to have it looked at.

using a laptop as a laptop

my fuck up happened a couple hours ago. my great grandfather is 94, really ill and close to dying. i drove across the us to see him yesterday and all night, haven't slept since monday night. so i'm feeling pretty fucking tired. i'm standing in the hall outside his room in front of the nurse's desk and i tell my wife "i feel like death". her jaw drops at my stupidity, and the nurses shoot me the dirtiest looks. edit: cleaned up some grammar.

drove all day and night to see a dying grandparent. got to the hospital tired as shit and blurted out "i feel like death" in front of the nurses.

at the hospital

so i came home from school today and thought "i'm gonna be productive!" so i did some homework. this is were the fuck up starts. so i was vacuuming everywhere! behind my desk, my bed and **on** the desk as i come by some old tissues i hid from when i had the "sniffles" and decided to vacuum that shit too (since my mom was home i didn't want to go to the bathroom and obviously flush something out) so i sucked it up, and immediately the vacuum started making crazy noises and the little red bar that tells the pressure went off the charts. suddenly it stops and starts to smoke... a lot! so i unplug it and throw it out in our driveway and pour water over it. my mum was already there and started to check it out. she undplugs the hose and sure enough are my "sniffle" tissues. my mum just looked at me and threw them into our garbage bin. soooo yeah this was literally 10 mins ago and shes out getting my younger sisters now.

vacuumed up my "sniffle" tissues and vacuum combusts.

vacuuming

well it was lasyt night. anywho, we weren at the bar and i go to the bathroom to pee after a few beers. the urinals were full so i go to a stall. i going pee and i see an empty glass on top of the toilet. so, for a reason unknown to myself i blast that fucker with beer colored piss and put it right back. later on i go back to the same stall and the glass was empty. now i can't say for sure it was my friend, but i all of the sudden realize upon seeing the empty glass that my friend will sometimes drink wounded strangers (rando, beer unclaimed). so i ask him about it and he immediatly goes "no way dude of course not." i doubt he would man up to the truth, but im prettty sure if not him, someone at that bar drank my piss.

woops

possibly making my friend drink nmy piss.

well technically it was saturday (or i suppose sunday if you're one of those assholes who says "anything after midnight is the next day", no fuck you its until i go to sleep asswipe"). so before we get into exactly what i did you're going to need some background information, because this isn't going to be some shitty tifu post, no its going to be good (because i done bad). so its saturday morning, and i wake up at my house, home from college for the weekend. i'm super pumped because i have a date in a few hours with a girl who goes to another college which is only about forty minutes away from mine. now this might not sound like a big deal to most of you, i mean who cares its only one date right? wrong! this is the first date i've ever been on. yes with anyone (i hope you're getting all excited right now like "dis gon be good"). anyway so the time comes and i get a ride down there from my parents who were going down there anyway. so they drop me off and leave, alls good and well. i text her tell her shes there and she comes down. now at this point i'm sitting in the lobby, nervous as hell because 1) i've never been on a date and 2) i don't actually know exactly how attractive this girl is because i've only met her once. she comes down and i'm caught totally offguard because shes fucking gorgeous, and i'm like "err hi" (beautiful i know). anyway we go out to lunch at a really well known restaurant that's pretty cheap, and it goes ok. it had like this feeling of awkward because i'm 99% sure it was both of our first dates ever. anyway like i said it goes ok, i insist on paying the bill because i'm a male therefore i must, and we leave. at this point we go back to her dorm and just hang out. i see some guys i know and we all hang out and everything goes well. as time goes on everything starts to get better and better. i'm relaxed at this point so i'm making jokes, people are laughing, its all good. then some guy comes up and is like "yo lets go pregame this party that we're all going to tonight." now this isn't that big of a deal for me, i was going anyway so why not drink. well for starters i'm fucking 150 pounds and secondly i may or may not be under 21. but yolo i like alcohol why not. so me, this girl, and like 3-4 of her friends go to this dudes room and pregame. pretty much everyone has like 3-4 shots, except me, because i'm going to impress this girl. so instead of having a few shots, i have fucking ten, in about 15 minutes. so as you can imagine i'm fucking trashed. at this point we all start hanging out, and everything is still going reasonably well, i'm positive that there will be a second date. a few hours pass, not much happens, and then we go out. we walk for fucking ever and i'm still pretty trashed, though i haven't drank anything since so i'm doing alright. we end up at some random house with nothing but jungle juice. now i'm not a big drinker, so i don't know exactly what jungle juice is, but me being both drunk and out to impress has 3 full solo cups full. yeah you're probably cringing right now because either you have taste buds and you're like "who the fuck could ever have more than one glass of that shit", or if you're not so lucky you're just thinking "ok this kids fucked." well we stay out for about 3 hours and i'm feeling shitty. i end up sitting on some porch by myself just like "aww shit this is bad i'm feeling awful." after about what turns out to have been 45 minutes of this i see 4-5 people leaving, including the now much more attractive girl (beer goggles) who i had been on a date with earlier. so i get up, suppress the urge to fucking vomit everywhere, and walk with them back to their lobby. on the way back she's chatting with another guy, which i honestly didn't care about in the least, and i'm just following the group. but when we're almost there she says "hey could you get someone else to sign you in i think i'm just going to go up to my room and go to bed.". i say its fine, but in reality that fucked me really hard because the other person who normally signs me in is hooking up with some chick in his room. so she leaves, and i go and sit down in the lobby. i text him twice, and he answers that he'll be down eventually. as i sit there i progressively get worse and worse, until its inevitable that i'm going to puke. so i stand up, get hit with a wave of nauseate so intense i think i'm going to die, casually walk over to a trashcan, and to the dismay of twenty people lose my stomach into a trashcan. after about 2-3 bouts of this someone who i'd met earlier in the day walks over with a waterbottle and tells me that she went and got my friend. i stand there, thank her profusely and down the water bottle. at this point i'm not totally sure whats going on, but she guides me over to a chair and tells me to sit down, which i drunkenly manage to do. at this point i close my eyes in the chair, and when i open them again i see two of the ra's for the dorm standing there talking. one of them asks me if i have an id, which i am somehow able to conjure up. i close my eyes again and this time when i open them i see three cops, my friend, the two ra's, and out of the corner of my eye the girl who i went on a date with. fuck!!! i ask if i can move further into the lobby so she can't see me, and they allow it. the cops look at the id, and proceed to ask my a number of questions that are never good such as "what is your name" and "how old are you". after about three minutes of this one of the cops asks me "alright daniel, how old are you?" to which i reply "i'm 19". he then asks "and what is the legal drinking age in this state?" at this point i'm just thinking that i'm totally fucked in every way possible, but i answer that it is "21 sir". the cop then goes on to say "now daniel, if you were to apply for a job in ten years, and you have an underage, and your friend here applies for the same job without an underage, who do you think will get the job." annnnnnnnnnd i'm fucked. but i still answer the question in the most professional way i'm capable of at this point which is "well sir, i'm not totally sure, but if i had to guess i'd say my boy over here is going to get the job, but i think he would anyway cause he's asian." the cop at this point is suppressing a laugh, because that is a pretty fucking stupid thing to say. so he hands me my id and says "ok since you sound coherent and you don't have the "stumbly umblies" (that's a direct fucking quote) i'm gonna let you off with a warning." at this point i'm shocked and awed, so much so i can't even say anything. i deserved that citation, and yet i'm not receiving one, and i think to myself that its a fucking miracle. i stutter out "thank you so much." and get up. the ra hands me back my id and i go up to my friends room. now, unfortunately for me the story isn't over. my friend is a great guy, but he's fucking pissed, because he was about ten seconds from getting laid for his first time before he had two ra's knocking on his door that his friend was throwing up in the lobby. so he's pissed, and he ends up putting me in his room and leaving to try and find this girl. i throw up some more and then end up passing out. as of right now i have only talked to this girl for about 5 minutes since that night and she hasn't responded to 2 of 3 texts i sent her, and the one she did respond to was only 5 messages, which is incredibly unlike the conversations that had previously taken place. also my friend and i are on better terms, but he's definitely still mad. oh and i may be banned from that dorm permanently because there was an incident report filed, which may or may not hurt my chances of being able to transfer there like i had planned.

i'm pretty sure there won't be a second date.

vomiting in a lobby.

well, i have a new girlfriend. her name is caitlyn. i live at home with my mom, grandma and great grandma (so much estrogen). anyway, my great grandma broke her femur a while back and can't walk. we don't leve her alone for extended periods of time. start the story! alright, so caitlyn and i grab some coffee after class when my grandma calls me. she tells me she had to leave my great grandma. now that means i need to get home, but not in any particular rush. so i offer to drive caitlin home before i head to the homestead. she says it's fine and that we can chill at my house (awesome). so we get to the house and walk in to meet my great grandma. she's 93 and weighs about that much. she has a pretty bad memory and sometimes calls me dennis (my dead uncle, not me). so we walk in and she says "hello ben, who is this?" and i say "mamaw this is caitlyn." caitlyn says hi and then my great grandma turns to me and says "wasnt her name rachel the other day?" fuck. "what? no. you've never met caitlyn." cue caitlyn, after pulling me aside: "who the fuck is rachel?" now i have no idea what to say, because i don't know of any rachels that have been in my house. so i say the first thing that comes to my mind: cue the fuck up "my other girlfriend." now it would be easy to read sarcasm into a comment like this, but my tone was not sarcastic and accidentally sounded quite serious. she didn't say much else the rest of the day. i tried to explain, but she didn't believe me. it also happens that i know a rachel from another class and she hits on me a lot, so when i handed caitlyn my phone to show my monogomy, rachel decides it is the best time to text me and say "what's up big dick? wanna fuck tonight?" rachel is joking, but put into context, i can see how caitlyn construed the whole situation. unfortunately for me, rachel was kidding, because now i'm single :( edit: caitlyn and i talked last night. things are looking better. she's actually going to meet this rachel and see just how not serious this is. so far everything is getting less fuckedupish.

gf meets great grandma. great grandma calls her another name. person with the same name texts me a r-rated message moment later.

letting my new gf meet my great grandma. (warning: long one)

this actually happened last night so i guess it's more like lnifu. anyway, i was watching tv, being generally lazy after putting the kids to bed and decided that during the next commercial break i'd go get my nightly snack. so the commercial comes on and i decide to try and pull a risky business slide across the kitchen floor because hey, that's always fun, right? so i go into my slide like a pro, arm outstretched to grasp the cabinet knob as it comes into range and successfully open the cabinet door in one fluid movement. i remember opening the cabinet with my left hand, reaching in with my right hand to grab the delicious fiber brownie goodness, and then i remember a feeling of euphoria and being very comfortable, like i'm laying on clouds. so i open my eyes and i'm staring at the ceiling, having somehow ended up on the kitchen floor. i realize at that point my nose and big toe are throbbing painfully and i kind of start to panic. what i imagine happened was, upon completion of my risky slide, i stubbed my toe on the underside of the dishwasher, bent forward in exclamation directly into the cabinet door i'm opening with gusto and knocked the bridge of my nose in a violent manner and collapse upon impact. that's the only logical conclusion i could come up with, so i stagger up, gather my snack, and shamefully wander back to the couch after realizing i was kod by the kitchen cabinet. the commercials are still playing so i was only out for a few seconds at most.

kitchen cabinet likes fiber brownies, fights me for it, i lose by ko.

trying to get a snack before the commercial break ended

as of recent i have been contenting myself towards the end of the day by (amongst other things) trawling through websites looking for a nice watch. when i find one, i often take picture of them with my phone and save them to compare them all at the end. on this particular occasion, i had come across a multitude of very appealing watches, more than one of which i would be more than tempted to buy. to help me decide which was the watch for me, i consulted my ever-present style icon (sort of); my father. giving him my phone, i told him to scroll through photos of all the watches i had found recently, while i put the kettle on (tea is a staple dietary requirement in my household). i come back into the living room with the tea and notice that he is no longer looking at the watches, instead intently focused on the tv with my phone face down on the arm of the chair beside him. offended, i ask him why he's not looking at them any more as i pick up my phone. i realised why. i had been, for lack of a better word, sexting a member of the opposite sex (i'm a guy) for the previous few nights and had, of course, forgotten to delete the photos from my camera roll. upon picking up my phone, i was present with a photo of me, completely naked, with my clearly erect penis in my hand. without consulting my dad further on his choice of watch, i left the room and have not made eye contact since. edit: spelling, grammar, etc.

i dickpic'd my own father.

asking my dad which watch he preferred

today i stopped at the local gas station to grab a cheap drink that came in a styrofoam cup. after i got home, i decided to make some supper and started cooking some ground beef on the stove. i soon needed something to put the grease in, so i grabbed a nearby empty sonic cup. i go about cleaning up and such and feel a bit thirsty. i grabbed the wrong cup and took a big sip of some grease. i immediately started freaking out and spit it out in the kitchen sink. luckily, it had cooled down so i didn't scorch my mouth.

i drank grease instead of dr. pepper because i'm dumb.

taking a big gulp of meat grease

ok i know yall hate this but its a great story that happened to me 8ish years ago. enter a very hungry korinthia into the kitchen. ohshit.jpg leftover toasted raviolis! (for anyone not from the midwest, more specifically st louis, these are breaded and fried meat ravioli, fucking delicious) so i'm like no way i'm ruining these by tossing them in the microwave, no sir these are going to be reheated properly in the toaster oven. now this wasn't any toaster oven, this was a great cook-your-food-perfect-every-time toaster oven, this was a my parents wedding gift toaster oven. so i pop those suckers in and commence heating my delicious taste sensation. 13 year old me is like hey do you know what would be a great idea? fuckin around on the computer for 6 minutes thats what! *45 minutes later* *sniff sniff* what the fuck is bur..oh shit. as i sprint towards my kitchen its clear my whole house is full of smoke. i approach the toaster oven to discover that my precious ravioli have turned into several flaming charcoal briquettes. so i grab the door to open it and immediatly burn my hand. i grab a towel and open the door. shit shit wtf am i gonna do. so genius 13 yo me throws a glass of water at the flaming ravioli. for those of you that arent aware hot glass+cold water=explosion. the glass door on the toaster exploded sending glass everywhere. the glass lands on my kitchens hardwood floors leaving numerous large scorch marks (that are still there to this day). needless to say my parents werent pleased. my whole family still bitches about the shitty toasters weve had ever since and my mother still teases me about ruining her floors.

threw water on flaming food in toaster glass door explodes leaves scorch marks on hardwood floors and ruins toaster. whoops

making a toaster explode

not today but last year. so i'm a part timer working for the british army voluntarily. occasionally i work with cadets but mostly do paperwork. anyway now and again i get the chance to apply for more exciting work which can include having to visit quite senior officers. so i was sitting at a desk filing in forms about how many piles of mud needed to be cleaned and which maniac should be let loose with a shovel when i was summoned to the company commanders office. now i had been sat for about 3 hours and drinking a lot of water so naturally i decided to head to the toilet first. a tricky thing deep ding on what uniform your wearing because there can be a lot of zips, be,to, buttons and things called baffles where it's like a double pocket that requires a lock pick, crowbar and spoon to get into. so i go so my business then do up what i think is my fly and walk to the office of the officer. i knock, get told to enter and walk in and salute. inside is the officer, the sergeant major and the adjutant who is in fact a woman. the adjutant looks at me, giggles and leaves the room as i stand to attention. the major coughs looks a the csm and then coughs again before saying. "perhaps you should...ummm... do your zip" at attention i cannot move until told to do so, so i look down to see my cock dangling from my trousers. but it's worse. because of the way my trousers are my penis is not hanging out, it's sticking horizontally towards the desk. hurriedly i try to zip it up but the zip gets stuck as i'm furiously trying to do up the zip. as i struggle i inadvertently let go of the zip and my hand flies out to knock a photo off of the desk. i stop. calmly pick up the picture, with dick still free and acting like its saluting the officer pointing at the major as it slowly becomes more frightened and tries to retreat into my trousers. i place the photo on the desk, salute and leave the office. managing finally to zip up the fuckin' trousers. next day i get transferred to another company.

saluted a major with my cock.

having another dick adventure

some backstory, my parents left me home alone for a week while they where in las vegas. so of course i tried to do what any teenager left home alone for a week would try to do, have a huge party. with the plan in place i got some of my friends to help me setup, we moved almost everything that was breakable into siderooms, even some of the furnature. the doors to those rooms where then locked, with the key inside, the only way in, unscrew the door handel. i got two of my buddies to bounce, one at the front exit one at the back, we had lists with all the guests, as to make sure nobody extra got in. lights and sound were all taken care of, and it was set to be a huge party. people from different schools all over town where coming, now reddit, heres the big twist, im not really a party kid. nor do i get invited to very many big parties. so having some of the most popular people around begging to get in, to my party, it was like being a king. night of the party (last night) finally rolls around, and at 9:00 a few people show. immidiently they ask where they can go to smoke, i told them to exit the backyard, through the gate and smoke in the little park i back onto. a total of l20 steps away, but because it was raining they wanted to smoke under the patio umbrella; which i reluctantly allowed. telling them just to toss their cigarette butts over the fence. my neighbours, who are really good friends with my parents saw, and about contacted my parents, my parents gave them permission to break up the party. then it happened, not fifty minutes in, whilst i was outside making a phone call. my neighbour unlocked the front door (they have a backup key incase we get locked out) and started screaming for people to getout. there you have it reddit, thats how i fucked up, and lost my parents trust, while also becoming the laughing stock of the school.

hosted a party while parents where away, got shut down not even an hour in. parents dont trust me, and im the laughing stock of the school.**

having a party

i've been in a pretty serious relationship with a great guy for about 5 months now. we even started talking about a future together and i knew we would be going out for quite a while. i'm 20 f and he's 27 but the age gap doesn't bug either of us. i'm away visiting my parents for a month right now, really really far from my boyfriend. everything was going great, we would talk every day and although i miss him so much it's not bad. and then i had to go clubbing. i didn't really want to go, but my friends insisted on it (bought my ticket already). so i went. and drank. and drank. and drank. i'd been going through some personal rough patches and really felt the need to get hammered, which is the stupidest thing to do in my situation. but i did it anyway. next thing i know with two guys and i've agreed to have a threeway? i can barely speak at the point and just didn't care about anything. i had my first threesome with them. i felt like it was too late to back out, that it would be easier for me to just finish the job than to get away at that point. i can't even remember their names. i feel used and guilty. did i actually agree to something like this? what is wrong with me? how can i hurt him like that? the boyfriend is suspicious. he knows that my texts didn't add up. he knows something went down last night but doesn't know what. now i don't know what to do. i don't know what to tell him and how. i want to be honest but i don't want to hurt him. i hate myself and i want to die. i am scumbag stacy. fml.

i'm a fucking dumbass

having a threesome

well, to start it off, throwaway for obvious reasons. a little back story: my sister introduced her friend to me a couple years ago, turns out she really liked me since she first saw me so i decided it would be best to not get too close to her, i had already had my girlfriend for a year, and i still do to this day. i'm currently a senior, the other girl, let's keep her unnamed, is in 8th grade but had to start a year late because of birthday. alright, on with the story. so i decided after seeing a facebook post about her self harm, i'd message her and try to help her out. over the next two days, find out she still likes me. she thinks i'm cute, i'm funny (we've never talked until now), and is basically obsessed with me. she's a pretty depressed person, so i think "oh what the hell, she could probably use a friend, nobody really seems to like her." i think i may have found out why. but she isn't the one all to blame.. i hung out with her today (7/31). it started off nicely, she has an 11 week old german shepard puppy we took to the park for about an hour to play with it and stop every 5 minutes to get told how cute it is and let people pet him. his leash ends up breaking, because as most people know, puppies love to chew on shit. so she picks him up, and we head back to her house. we just sit around in her garage, talking for about another half an hour. after a while we get bored, so we decide talking in the kitchen would be a better idea. don't know why, we just did. puppy finally falls asleep, so she's more careless on how she is. she's one of the people who jokingly calls their friends "whore", "slut", etc. you get the idea. well, eventually her jokingly calling me whore means "oh i'm gonna grab your boobs because i think it's funny." at this point i'm very confused, like, what the fuck is going on? so i'm like "okayy..." and start to back away. she drops a gem on me, "oh you can do it back, i don't care haha" and ends up putting my hands on her boobs, which are huge btw. so, being a guy in high school, girlfriend or not, i obviously pop a chubby. so i start getting more careless too. it ends up into a full on groping session. after that finally ends, we go back to the garage and i sit down in a chair. that turns to "i'm going to sit on your lap facing you, and still "jokingly" grab your boobs and raging hard on." oh okay. that definitely goes over well for a high schooler. goes on longer, little by little of "jokes" like liking the others cheek/face, more groping, to eventually kissing, fingering and a blowjob. woah. that went crazy. 2 hours ago i was sitting there talking to her with a fucking adorable puppy, now i'm getting blown and flickin her bean. her brother is coming home soon, so i need to go since nobody even knew i was there, which was nice to know as i was about to leave. giving her a hug to leave (not sure why i did it, probably my dick thinking more than my mind) she whispers in my ear "next time, we can do something more. 3 letters.. s-e-x." what the fuck. this chick is 4 years younger than me, tricked me into feeling her, fingering her, and letting her blow me, then wants to fuck me? and i have a girlfriend?! god i felt like complete shit after i left. i was shaking. nothing felt right to me, and i even hung out with my girlfriend today after that. she just left recently so i decided to come on here and share my story. so far, the other girl and i have talked after the incident, and we're agreeing that we both fucked up, and neither of us are bringing it up to anyone or each other anymore. trying to forget about it. i still feel like i fucked up big time and i'm a complete asshole.

depressed chicks are the horniest

trying to make a friend

was thinking about it, but fuck a throwaway. so i read a comment on reddit a few days ago in the thread of "don't knock it til you try it" about how baby wipes were superior to toilet paper. there weren't any baby wipes in the bathroom at work, but there were some hand sanitizing wipes. i figured they were the same thing. big mistake. whereas baby wipes have a soft, moist feeling of relief, hand wipes are extremely alcoholic in content. over 65% alcoholic, to be exact. you can see where this is going. the moment the hand wipe made contact, it felt like someone had lit a molotov cocktail in my asshole. i had to keep working with an ass of fire for another hour before i could clean up.

wiped my ass with a hand wipe which was more alcoholic than most vodkas.

wiping my ass with a hand sanitizing wipe.

so i decided to take a little trip to the coast in italy, travelling alone so unfortunately nobody to help me keep my head screwed on. it started with a quiet sunset beer, absolutely stunning setting in a fairly sleepy town. i then met a group of australians and the beer drinking continued. cut to 3 hours later and i'm left with a group of italians we'd also met that evening but slowly realising i'm losing the ability to speak in either language. i decide to be 'sensible' and head back to the hostel at this point before i make things worse. oooh but they were already far too bad. i climb into bed, and obviously everything starts spinning. crashing down from the top bunk i run to the toilet to have a mega chunder, thinking it's all over i clamber back onto the bunk. considering how noisy hostel beds can be and my inability to walk in a straight line i undoubtedly pissed off the rest of the dorm with all my to-ing and fro-ing. this process repeated 3 or 4 times before i finally find myself being helped up from the kitchen floor by a very kind stranger who was also staying in the hostel. for one reason or another i was topless (female here) so he kindly wrapped me up in a sarong and showed me back up the stairs. random drunk guardian angel man, i don't know who you are but thank you. consider the sight of my probably puke-covered boobies as payment in return for your kind services. even if you're gay, everyone loves boobs, right? he was sleeping when i left so i left a note thanking him, signed 'the drunk naked girl'. fortunately i remember everything but i seriously need to be more careful. drink responsibly, kiddies.

got really drunk and passed out in youth hostel kitchen topless to be later guided to bed by a stranger in the night.

having a naked nap in a youth hostel kitchen

today i decided to have a lazy day, basically lounge around in a shirt and shorts doing nothing apart from watching films.i hear a knock on the door and stand up to answer it forgetting that i am wearing shorts with buttons on the front. i open the door to find a neighbour from across the road. i should mention she has known me since i was a baby and does a lot of stuff for the church and had brought across the church newsletter and to ask about my grandma. anyway, i open the door and she looks at me and then looks directly into my eyes her gaze never wavering as she asks about my grandma then walks wi all the speed of an injured turtle down the path again. i'm kinda figuring at this point that something is up. she seemed flustered and stared into my eyes as though her life depended on it whereas normally she tries to look around me to find something to gossip about like the mess in the hallway. as i close the door wondering why she was so odd i look down to see my dick hanging out of my button flies which have somehow come undone like a curious visitor wanting to visit the outside world. i can only thank god no one else was in the street.

i opened the door with my cock out to an old lady by accident.

greeting an old woman with my dick out.

a couple days ago i went through a round of physical therapy for my left knee; however my physical therapist must have felt like showing off to his cute new “intern”. as a result he had me contorting into all kinds of weird shapes, doing strange exercises and having me hold stretches longer than usual. because of his need to show off, it caused my leg to reach a soreness level to where i had a limp when i walked. i needed some relief from the soreness; like any other athlete i reach for my favorite analgesic called biofreeze. biofreeze uses this menthol combination that you roll onto sore or achy parts of your body which creates this cooling effect and promotes blood flow to the area. the primary soreness on my leg was on the inside of my thigh that wrapped around the inside of my leg up to the bottom of my ass. so i applied a generous portion of analgesic to my sore area and immediately starting to feel the cooling sensation. it was great! standing there in my kitchen enjoying the cooling sensation for a minute or two, i got in my car to pick up my wife from work. big mistake as i was wearing boxers at that time. as i sit down, my ball sack comes into contact with my thigh and bathes in the analgesic that i just applied. immediately i feel this intense cooling sensation on my family jewels. i don't have time to wash it off, because i have to get my wife. so i back out of my driveway, adjust my sack, and start trucking down the road. about two miles down the road that cooling sensation hits its peak. it now feels like i'm squatting over a bucket of ice water, dipping my stones into an ice bath. at this point i am trying to drive while adjusting my gonads, spreading my legs, trying to stuff my boxers between my manhood and my thigh; nothing seems to be working; the deed has been done. thirty minutes later i arrive back at the house, my nards feeling like they got icicles hanging from them that would make santa jealous. i step out of the car hoping for some relief, but no… apparently there was a surplus somewhere of liquid ice as it reapplied itself to my coin purse. so i rush into the house, with one hand on my giggleberries. i find a roll of god’s finest creation, paper towel. i fling off my shorts, and begin to scrape off the imaginary icicles to much success. finally some relief from that icy death… so i get into bed, and flip on my favorite netflix show and roll over, and somehow my yambag finds another surplus of biofreeze… again…

got biofreeze on my ball sack; felt like i just dipped it into a bucket of ice water. couldn't clean it off; had to pick up wife from work. had frozen giggleberries for at least 30 minutes before relief. went to bed, my nutsack found another surplus of biofreeze; froze my ball sack again; gave up and went to bed.

getting biofreeze on my ball sack

so my family is having a big reunion this weekend and my mom wanted a specific kind of mosquito repellent that she could only find on amazon. since i have amazon prime, i said i would 2-day ship it to her house so that it could be there in time for the festivities. also, last fall, my now ex-girlfriend was moving to a different city for work while i finished up my masters. in order to make the distances more bearable, we decided to order something to make the experience more enjoyable. since the company making this was a startup, they were plagued with manufacturing and logistical delays that many startups are, leading them to continuously push back the expected ship date. since i am moving soon and had no idea when they would ship, i changed my address to my parents address to assure that i would be able to still get them, should i have moved before they arrived. this morning my mom receives a box labeled to me from fedex and obviously assumes that it was the mosquito repellent that i had shipped to her, so she opens it without a second thought only to find various sex toys for both male and female intended for her (now single) son. (also, they were the hera and zeus set from love palz)

mom was expected package for her, addressed to me -- got a packed addressed to me, opened it - dildos.

sending my mom sex toys

alright, so i'm sixteen right now, and i don't have very good personal hygiene. in fact, i haven't brushed my teeth nightly for years. anywho, my younger brother had a checkup about a month ago, and my mom liked the dentist and said that we should come in later and get me a few fillings. (i have tourette's syndrome, so finding a dentist isn't really easy.) well today was the day of my 10:00 appointment, and said dentist happens to live two hours away, meaning that i had to get up at like 6:30, which is six hours earlier than i normally get up. to prepare for this, i went to bed super-early and had a horrible night of sleep tossing and turning. fast-forward a few hours, and i'm at the dentist's office. we come in, she takes a few pictures, everything goes fine, then she starts stabbing my gums and my teeth are kinda sensitive there, so it was just the amount of uncomfortable where you can bear it, but you really don't like it. the gum stabbing caused bleeding, which she had to wash out. normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but the water is cold as hell and my teeth didn't like it. so i'm sitting there for an hour while she looks at my gums, and she finally decides to start checking out my *teeth.* so as if my gums weren't bad enough, she's poking my sore molars and scraping all over. then when she finishes, she "polishes" them with a little mini buffer thing. it didn't feel good. then she calls dad over and gives him the briefing, and she has diagrams and everything. apparently, ***all of my teeth but one have horrible cavities in them.*** she then comes up with the plan of having me come in *five more times* to get fillings. and how much does this cost us? $5,000, which is really bad because both of my parents are unemployed. (dad's retired, and mom just quit a really stressful job.) i'd go get one myself, but we live too far out of town for me to work 3 hours a day at winn-dixie. so we finally leave the dentist's, and my teeth are sore as hell from gum poking. everyone's hungry, so we decide to stop at golden corral. (i don't care about the dumpster food, we were hungry and they had good pork steaks.) my mouth was aching the entire time, and only stopped hurting an hour or so ago. (11:33 now) *

* didn't brush teeth for ten years, went to the dentist, found that every tooth but one has a cavity or two, whole thing is gonna cost $5,000 and i still need to make five more trips. also, they had a tv above the chair playing "shrek the third" which i got to watch from beginning to end twice in one visit, which was probably the most painful part.

not brushing my teeth since i was six

so i brought my 3ds in the bathroom and most would expect that i would drop it in the toilet right? well,it went a bit differently. i set my 3ds down by the sink and after washing my hands it magically flew into the bubble filled sink. i panicked and quickly opened it to find the bottom screen all glitchy and messed up. i just paced a bit and hoped it would fix itself. eventually it did. for 5 minutes,and now it refuses to even turn on. it's from launch day and the warranty has expired and cannot be extended,and i will probably go without pokemon x and y or the smash bros 3ds i was so looking forward to unless i manage to make up the money for either a. a fix b. another 3ds. sorry if this sounds kinda like me whining about my electronic problems but i'm a bit bummed out. edit: the bottom screen has started working again but glitched out and stopped working entirely on one occasion,i'm just gonna put it in rice and hope for the best.

broke 3ds,no pokemon or smash bros.

bringing my 3ds into the bathroom

so, it started a few months ago when i went to go help my friend with his film project. it was one of those kinds of projects that required copious amounts of food-colouring blood and fake weapons, because he's a huge tarantino fan. i needed to carry a lot of stuff on me, so i carried it around in a backpack. today, i was leaving for a flight to thailand. i had already packed my suitcase the night before, but i only packed my hand carry in the 20 minutes before i left. in a rush, i picked a random bag out of my closet. when i arrived at bangkok, where i'd have a quick stopover before taking a connecting flight to chiangmai, i was faced by a cursory bag inspection. *no problem,* i'm thinking, when suddenly the attendant gets this surprised look on her face, then pulls two realistic-ish looking toy pistols out of the front pocket of my bag. the people behind me first look a bit scared, then start nervously giggling as i desperately try to explain to the attendant. eventually, i give up and start walking towards my gate after the attendant confiscated the props. i felt really lucky that that was all that had happened, and i didn't get detained for questioning and/or miss my flight.

left prop guns in my bag, bag gets searched at airport

packing at the last minute.