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reddit_tifu

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so about 24 hrs back i was smoking some weed and playing some fifa with a couple of friends. it was all going pretty good before friend no. 1 decided he wanted to go to sleep and i had the random urge to ingest some cough syrup. friend 2 actively encouraged me and i did two large shots. after doing some random shit, i kind of passed out and woke up still high. slept some more and started having weird sensations in different muscles. i feel better now but really drowsy and sleepy. any ideas on how to get this out of the system?

i am an idiot who had a large dose of cough syrup and now i am sleepy all the time.

ingesting a lot of cough syrup

i've been feeling under the weather for the past couple of days. things are crazy with work so i don't want to take any more time off. i'm feeling miserable and then in my desk, i remember i have some cold medicine. it says that it's for common colds. so i pop one down the hatch and keep along my merry way. upon further inspection, i have taken something to clear sinus congestion. that wasn't my problem. my problem was a runny nose.

mucus is gushing from my face like a failed bubble pool

taking phenylephrine hcl

alright, i'm a student manager of campus summer services at my university for the summer with three other students, two girls and one guy. i told my roommate that it wasn't possible to room with him since he's not a student manager (some weird reason) yesterday was my day off, so i was playing some heroes of newerth in the library. i get a text from my supervisor that someone has moved into her apartment that's not supposed to. i also got a text from my old roommate saying that he just got into an apartment that had girly packaging and stuff, and mentioned the room number which was my supervisors room. since i was in the middle of a game, i kept playing, and didn't respond to either of them until an hour later. turns out, our overall manager kinda freaked out because he wasn't supposed to get into that apartment, and since he knew me and i hadn't answered right away to my supervisor or to him telling him he had to leave, they said that i was very close to losing my position for the summer.

don't ignore texts over video games -.-

almost got fired

yesterday i had lunch with my mom and i told her about my back pain and how it had been a few days and i think i might be dying... bla bla bla. she pulls out her prescription bottle of "muscle relaxers" and says "go ahead and take one of these, it'll help make the muscles loosen up." i ask her what the interactions may be, and her response is, "it may make you a little tired." i take the pill and she drops me off back at work, i work for a university doing it work. i was sitting at my desk carrying on with my bid'ness as usual when my monitors start to pulsate and my body starts to pulsate. after about five minutes i realize it's getting exponentially worse and my reaction time is slowing (including my speaking) and my eyes are beginning to close. i get a little nervous about this and start to plan my options. i cannot drive at this point because i'll probably fall asleep and die on my scooter, i can't sleep at my desk because i work at a cubicle. i slowly get up and realize i'm gonna have to find somewhere to sleep because i am about to pass the fuck out. i looked everywhere on my level of the building, and i vaguely remember walking into my friend's office while he was in the middle of a meeting, letting myself in and just sitting on a chair in the middle of his conversation and in the slowest voice imaginable asking him to "heellllp meeeeee." i don't remember how that conversation ended because i was so delirious and literally was in the process of passing out. my eyes would stay open for 2 seconds at a time and i could barely walk. i stumble out of his office and get on the elevator and take it to the 6th floor for some reasons that do not exist. i've never even been to the 6th floor. i wonder the halls grabbing onto walls to help keep my balance and finally i find a small break room with a couch in it. mind you, this couch is the size of a very small child so i don't really fit on it. at this point i couldn't give a fuck less this baby is commmin. this baby being my unconsciousness. i positioned myself on the couch so that my legs were sticking up in the air and my feet were basically kicking the refrigerator of this break room. i'm wearing a dress by the way, so this shit did not look glamorous. i tried to cover my legs and stuff as much as possible, but it's not really an easy thing or a priority to cover your underwear when the only care in your life is sleep, so with half my ass hanging out, i passed the fuck out. i kept trying to wake up because, well beyond the obvious reasons people were also coming in and out of this very popular break room because it was god damn lunch time. i remember at times i would hear someone come in and sit straight up and then pass out again. at one point i opened my eyes while lying down and made awkward eye contact with some guy in a business suit and we did the typical fake smile and nod of acknowledgment as if this wasn't the most awkward thing to happen to either of us all day, then i went back to sleep. i slept there for 3 fucking hours. when i finally had the strength to get off of this tiny hellish couch, there were 3 people eating quietly at the breakroom table trying not to acknowledge me. turns out my mom gave me her emergency anxiety medication and not muscle relaxers.

mom drugged me and i fell asleep in a crowded break room.**

taking medical advice from my mom.

the final was actually monday but i had it in my calendar as being on tuesday. so this morning i showed up to my class ready for my final after getting up at 6am this morning only to find an empty classroom. double checked the final schedule online and yep my final was yesterday. on the plus side i was able to get in touch with my professor and schedule a make up. guess not all hope is lost

tried to take my final a day late and showed up to an empty classroom at 7:15 in the morning.

missed my 7:15 am final

me and my friends like to play games with skype open. this evening we were playing, and one of my friends (let's call him jake) was not making the best decisions, so i tried to give him some advise, then he got defensive and started blaming other people. my other friend (let's call him max) messages me saying "man he is getting really worked up". i messages him back saying " yeah, jake can get pretty defensive" then jake gets really quiet. a few minutes later we can tell that jake is sniffling, and then he says "so what if i am sensitive" we all get very quiet. evidently i sent the message to jake, he got very angry and left.

accidentally sent a hurtful message to a friend, and then the man hook man car hook car door.

sending a message to the wrong person.

so, i moved from one state to another to pursue a job. this is not only a very great stepping stone into what could potentially be my dream job, but the job is very, very easy. it pays well and it's a great resume builder. however i am on a probationary period and the only thing i was ever told to be mindful of was attendance because most people that don't keep their job have attendance issues. so instead of leaving my place at a reasonable hour before the start of my shift, i tend to leave at 25 minutes before the start of my shift and then run to the time clock. this normally works out for me but a few months ago i overslept and got dinged for coming into work a few hours late. i was shitting bricks that because of this i wouldn't pass probation and be fired. however, nothing came of it, so i guess i got lax again and today i ended up being 9 minutes late. so now i got 2 late attendance issues and i even got talked to by a supervisor. he said not to come in late again because he really likes me and wants to see me succeed. now this doesn't sound so bad, but because i'm on probation i can be terminated at any time. and i'm worried this might be it. maybe i'm going to lose the biggest opportunity in my life because some asshole caused a crash on the only highway that leads to my workplace and so they blocked 2 of the 3 lanes of the highway and because i'm too stupid to anticipate that something like this might eventually happen.

i might be fired for being late from this really great job.

coming in late to work, while on probation, and might be on the verge of losing my job. shit!

this fuck up didn't happen today, about a week or so ago. but i need to spill. (no pun intended) well, i'm a *really* scrawny guy. i'm like 5 foot something and 120 lbs. i had been meaning to go to my local gym's weight room for months now, never really got around to it. i am extremely weak. i have trouble lifting 50 pound amplifiers by myself, without a roadie's aid. my aunt had just passed, and we're having a graveside service and it's rather small. the rabbi asks for men to be the pallbearers. since it's such a small service, i am obligated to do so. myself, and my 3 cousins go up to do it. we lift the casket, and, boy, this thing is heavy. even with the 4 of us on each corner, (i'm on the rear left), this thing is unbearable for a man of my weak stature. we go to put her in the hole in the ground, and, well.... ...reddit, i dropped the damn thing and.... ....there was a spill. my kin were in shambles. the look on my poor ol' babushka's face was sheer horror. i can't even mentally grasp this fuck up. **

** - *dropped deceased aunt.*

not going to the weight room and ruining my aunt's funeral.

really this was like 3 months ago, but here goes. for christmas i got a three month membership to the local uxl, i wanted a personal trainer as i know nothing about working out. i work with a woman whose daughter is a trainer there and i wanted to train with her. i had a sit down with the head trainer and the overview he gave me was two months in advance, then after that going month to month until i wanted to cancel. fast forward to april, while checking my banking i notice there's a $120 charge for for the personal training, after i said something to my trainer about noting wanting to renew. i talk to the guy, who's a real dick head, and he just puts on a shit eating grin and said yeah that was for a year, i can freeze your account and we can try and work something out. he then told me he would talk to the guy above him about getting me out of it. i was checking my banking sunday and noticed another $120 charge after he said he was supposedly going to freeze my account. every time i ask that guy how this negotiation is going, he keeps putting on his shit eating grin and telling me he will talk to him tomorrow. this is breaking me financially, i only work part time for the being, and i have almost over-drawn my account twice because of this. yesterday i took a good look at the contract, just to see how badly i was fucked, and not only is a year, i initialed for the automatic renewal, i only had *three fucking days* to cancel this. i'm fucked edit: i talked to him today, and watched him put my account on freeze for 60 days. i am going to be up is ass every time i'm at the gym about this. if i am charged again next month i will take action with the bank. i have x-posted this to /r/legaladvice and thank you for your advice.

shady, slick personal trainer sees me coming from a mile away, gets me to sign a contract i didn't read carefully enough, and now i'm locked into paying $120 a month 'til next february.

not reading a gym contract carefully enough.

so i was working today and went to go get me and my manager coffees at a starbuck's within a stop and shop. go to the starbuck's, all is good, get my managers coffee, a small hot black, and mine, small iced, then go around the corner of the starbucks kiosk to put cream and sugar in my coffee. now mind you, the two people staffed at the little starbucks shop cannot clearly see me now that i have moved to cream and sugar my coffee. so i go to put cream in my coffee, all is well. i snap the lid back on and realize i forgot the sugar. no problem. i snap the lid back off and put sugar in my coffee. now here is how the devil lid fucks everything up. i try to snap the plastic lid back onto my coffee and struggle. then as i push down trying to get it on, the lid goes one way and the coffee the other. almost my entire iced coffee goes spilling all over the little table with cream, sugars, and stirrers and all over the nearby trash can. i get about 10 napkins and try to mop up all the coffee but it's too much, fuck. i realize now i should tell the employees. but then it dawns on me there are no other customers, and the employees cannot see me. so i decide to just make my escape and quickly walk off leaving the sugar and cream table covered in my iced coffee. yes i realize i am an asshole but it was out of pure awkwardness and panic. i get out into the parking lot and drive off, with only one coffee in hand. so yeah, next time i go for coffee break, i don't think i will choose that place because they will have realized what i did and probably think i'm the world's biggest ass hole.

spilt iced coffee all over starbucks kiosk in stop and shop, escaped, and now i am the coffee asshole.

am never going back to a certain starbuck's within a stop and shop again...

in short occasionally i will fall short on finding a good gift for mother's day or other "holidays" but i will always call whomever that day. bring in last week, where amazon's local deal seemed tohave a nice deal to order flowers to my parent's home to my mom for mother's day. talked to my dad about it, and after talking to him it seemed not to be worth it. over the week i wasn't able to find a decent gift that i thought would be liked so planned on sending a card or e-card. though with a research project i am a part of at my college, my week and weekend was spent doing work on it, and due to horrible cell signals in the research lab, wasn't able to call. mom gets pissed as my brother completely forgot as well, won't talk to either of us, which don't blame her for. even if i wanted to send a gift now, i feel its too late and even then the idea i had was said not to be good when i asked my dad's opinion yet again. such chalking today up to be a complete failure.

fucked up by not getting a gift for my mom on mother's day.

mother's day for numerous reasons

i'll admit, i waited until the last minute. maybe that was my first fu. my mother lives in georgia and i, a couple of miles away in wisconsin. going through the ordering process on auto-pilot, it seems as if i just didn't read the headings and switched billing address with shipping. confirmation email... read it? cmooooooon. cut to this afternoon, we get back from the dog park and there are flowers on our door step. i am perplexed as we don't have (human) kids so reaching for the card it suddenly clicks what these might be. yeah, ifu. wife thought it was hilarious, and called me dumbass; called mom and she also thought it was hilarious. tulips are fabulous.

got 20% off on flowers i bought for myself.

sending myself flowers for mother's day (spolier alert: i'm the son.)

girl at work dropped these major hints and i'm too oblivious to realise until now. 1. *friend to me:* "girl x asked if you were single and then said 'interesting' when she found out you were" 2. *me to group:* "i haven't been to watch a film in ages." *girl to me:* "me neither, we should go on a date!" 3. *girl to me on the subject of dressing up in suits/dresses at work for an event:* "we should make it look like we're on a date!" 4. *girl to me before i left:* "it really upsets me that you're finishing. it really upsets me"

i am retard

being ridiculously oblivious

i had been hanging out with a friend of mine friday night, and ended up driving his sister and cousin into the valley (clubbing suburb) so i didn't get home until about 1030 and i had work the next morning. i was just about to go to bed when another friend called and asked if i wanted to join them at the local pub for last drinks. stupidly i accepted. i walked to the pub, had a drink and a few smokes then went back to his place for some more drinks. i got very drunk there in a short period of time, then he brought out the bottle of tequila and poured everybody shots. being the idiot i am, i said "i'll have the bottle!" and polished off the three or four shots that were left in it. i took my leave and walked home (it was about 130 now), felt a bit funny but i didn't think i'd had too much. got home, showered and lay down in bed. about ten seconds later it hit me, i leapt out of bed, sprinted into the bathroom, grabbed the toilet seat... and threw up all over it. the toilet was covered and it was all over the walls. luckily i barely got any on myself, so i cleaned up and went to bed. called in sick the next day, then went back to sleep. mum came in about ten and woke me up, saying she thought i had work this morning. i told her i had called in sick, and that i had to go clean my toilet. "oh it's ok, i already cleaned it" i felt so bad for her :(

drank too much, powerchugged all over my toilet, mum cleaned it up

missing the toilet

my sister and i are about the same age. she lives in georia with her husband; i live in new york with my wife. before that my sister and i had moved around and hadn't seen much of each other for awhile; and we had never really been close. she always wanted us to be close i guess, but she has this just, weird kind of personality. every now and again she or i will give each other an awkward phone call, but we have way different values, and it's kind of like talking to a stranger that you're obligated to know. her husband works at a church, and they're actively christian people. my wife and i haven't been to church in quite some time, and we aren't really bothered by that. though we do maintain our friendships with people we knew from church, it just isn't a priority to us any more, and i'm now agnostic. i woke up this morning to a message from my sister, we'll call her dana. it was the obligatory, quarterly "hey, how are you, and things?" call, and now i had to call her back. hoping this wouldn't take too long i grabbed my hookah and began to set it up to smoke some weed; while i called her on speaker phone. she picked up and we started off with the usual dance of trite bullshit. how were things? how's the new place? what are you doing now? have you talked to mom or dad? you get the gist. in the course of this conversation i've got the coal going and am toking away, the conversation is winding down. just as i think we're about to hang up she drops this bomb: "did you hear that dad hasn't paid his taxes for several years, and they might lose the house?" holy fucking shit! i had not heard that! and i was way too high to suppress much gossip-killing indifference. my solution? finish this bowl, this is gonna be good! this conversation lead into a general critique of my dad, as he was a pastor, and my sister wanted him to stop doing that since it's an hour away both ways. then we went into churches and she asked me why i hadn't been going. "unless you're agnostic now," she said half-jokingly. "oh, well, uhhh...yeah, kinda," i half-joked back; too high to realize the consequences of that terrible phrase. "what? well, you know god is real. so, what's the problem?" *oh, shit.* "well, uh, i just don't really care any more. i mean, he might be real, but i don't think he interacts with humanity anymore. i'm, like a deist." "but, he's either real or he isn't." "look, i just don't think it's important any more." "but, uncouthbastard, you went to bible school, you were a missionary." ...... we went around in this circle for what felt like hours. i stumbled through the second half of our conversation, trailing off, forgetting what was being said, sounding high as fuck; while trying to explain why i just didn't care about god any more. finally i just said, "look i don't want to talk about this anymore." "okay..." we sat in silence on the phone still, for at least a minute. "so, so, is there anything else you wanted to ask about?" i was trying to end it. "well, you just said you don't want to talk about it." *sigh* "anything else?" "no, not really." another minute of silence. "okay, so, i guess, have a good afternoon." "okay you too." we hung up in a super awkward way. this is going to be a huge family scandal when it gets back to my parents. they are going to make me hate my life, badgering me about why i've left the church. edit: in reading over many of the comments here, and re-reading my initial post, i've come to realize that this story was really less about me and my family not having cohesive religious beliefs and them rejecting me; and more about how i (guess i fucked up?) realized that i'm getting older, and i don't have many very close friends, and it's weird and a little scary that my relationships are changing with old friends and family.

i told my awkward sister i'm not a christian anymore and she's going to tell my fundie parents and we're going to have phone time intervention. then i got hit with a nostalgia wave.

getting high and telling my very religious sister that i am no longer a "born-again christian."

this story happened years ago, but i figured tifu would enjoy it. this happened before reddit was even a thing. i was 19 (almost 26 now) and an avid churchgoer and superchristian. i played guitar at my local church of about 1000 people. i had previously played guitar in the youth department of our church before being promoted to sunday service. while in youth, i met a kid named nick. nick was 15, and he and i were the same height and stuff. i had recently made a myspace bulletin about wanting a pair of heelys because i thought they were the coolest damn thing on the planet. i was not only a megachristian, but a megavirgin at this point, and apparently i wanted to remain so for a very long time by taking up such a useless and childish skill such as "heeling." so nick approached me after sunday service one day, and informs me that he has something to give me. it was the very pair of heelys that i so desired. the ones i had lusted after online, the ones i had practically made love to at the local journey's. they were mine. once i had returned to my humble abode after a food stuffing period, i slapped those bitches on and immediately found out that newton was correct in his hypothesis that a heavier object with much more mass than an apple will fall much faster than said apple. so, after two or three hours spent acquiring new cuts and bruises, i went inside. the next day is where the story takes a turn for the worse. i decided, being off of work and school this next day, that i would spend time learning how to use my newfound transportation. i strapped those bitches on and headed to my street. i did decently for the first few runs. this is where shit gets fucked up. my road in front of my house is not paved, nay, it is rough grade asphalt. rough grade asphalt tends to produce errant rocks made of a strong material that cannot be of this earth. i call this element "you'regonnadie rock." i hit one of these unobtanium pebbles with as much force as a 245 lb, 5'9" grown man can possibly generate. i managed to fall over my right leg, and was instantly gripped by the most blinding, sense nullifying pain imaginable. now, i didn't freak out at this point. let me clarify by saying i am a very clumsy and awkward person, as bigger people like myself are wont to be. i had sprained both of my ankles by jumping (story for another day) one year prior to this incident. i figured it was just a sprain, and as such would be wrapped up and be better in a few weeks. i was horribly mistaken. i walked on this leg the next day. i started to notice some slight bruising, not on the spot where the pain was concentrated nay, further up my leg. two weeks later, i am on the couch in my living room unable to move for the fear that the blinding pain i was in would become much worse. the bruising on my leg had grown to 4 patches of reddish-black over my whole leg. i immediately went to the local hospital, and was informed that i had one of the worst fibular fractures the doctor had ever seen. my fibula was split in half and dislocated. had i come in right when the injury was sustained, i would have had a cast and been fine in 6 weeks. now, i was informed that my leg would require surgery. fuck. i have no insurance. none. i go to the local trauma center, as they are the only ones that will perform said surgery without insurance. the surgery was free, and their case managers got me on state insurance for my follow-ups and pt. i was fixed, and they sent me home with 2.5 extra pounds of metal in my leg in the form of a plate and 7 screws. i went home after two days of sleep in a hospital bed thanks to the morphine they were so fond of giving me in an effort to placate me into not attacking my pt coach who kept awakening me and attempting to teach me how to use my crutches by climbing down a spiral flight of stairs. every time they would take me to the stairs, i would throw down my crutches, sit down on the ground, and begin to unleash a string of curses at this lady that literally made my mother cry. (i was fucked up on morphine, these stories were all told to me after the fact by my parents, grandparents, and great grandmother, who were all present as well.) so, i'm home in a surgical wrap, and getting fed hydrocodone every 4 hours to stave off the burning pain of my new bionic parts. a few days after the surgery, i was going through my normal shower routine, when the plastic bag attached to my surgical wrap loosed itself from my person. the water instantly flooded into my wrap and soaked it thoroughly. well, fuck. a few days later, on top of the pulsing pain of the metal parts attached to my bone, i also now had burning pain on the surface of my incision. off again to the local hospital. they unwrapped my leg and there presented to me was one of the worst infected incisions i have seen in my short life, made worse and more gruesome by the fact that it was upon my person. the er doctor gave me some antibiotics, and then re-wrapped my leg. i ended up being fine. for then. see, when you don't take enough antibiotics to get completely rid of the infection, you can develop an infection known the world over as methicillin resistant staphylococcus aureus. mrsa. several months later, i was walking again and all healed, and had been developing pus-filled nodules periodically. i had one under my arm when i went in to get my wisdom teeth pulled. this big, plum sized bastard instantly became very aggressive after being presented with the iv tranquilizer the orthodontist had given me. he decided that it was his body, not mine, and he wanted me gone. he proceeded to replace my blood with the diseased sludge that filled his pocket of inflamed adipose tissue. after returning home and recovering for one day, i was well enough to play at church on a wednesday night in preparation for our biggest event of the year: our yearly choir concert. afterwards, my mom and i joined some friends from the youth group in some post-church revelry at ihop. i began not feeling well, and as such, had my mother drive me home. upon arriving, i instantly went to bed. my mother had a moderate amount of difficulty awakening me the next morning. i decided i'd stay home from computer school to get better from the bug i decided that i was infected with. my mother came home to check on me at lunch, and this is where shit gets serious. she wakes me up by violently shaking me in bed, and informs me that my temperature was 104 degrees fahrenheit. i made it through hearing "1-0..." before i had collapsed on the floor next to my bed. my mother lifts me up with my arm on her shoulder, and takes me to her car. i start to come around on the way to the local hospital, with which i had become very well acquainted over the last few months. i passed out in triage, but only after having discovered that my temperature had climbed to a life-threatening 106 degrees and that my blood pressure had bitched out and decided to shrink to a measly 60/30. i was rushed to a bed unconscious, and remained so for a 2 day stay in the icu, of which i remember naught, and then 6 more days on the med/surg floor of the hospital receiving iv antibiotics, and learning that i was pretty much patient zero for mrsa in this area. i got my arm cut open and drained, and then i was well and able to return to school. this is my first of many stories from my life. if you stayed until the end, i thank you and here's a bonus: you're a really cool person.

i broke my leg, surgical incision got infected, and then i almost died months later from said infection.

getting a pair of heelys and nearly dying.

i went to get my eyes checked out about a week ago at cohen's fashion optical and it turns out i have slight astigmatism, -0.75 cycle. they didn't have any glasses i liked so i decided to give contacts a shot. they tell me that i could buy various amounts of one-a-day contacts, starting from a three-month supply to a one-year supply. in order to have a trial of 4 days with them, i need to buy a package. so i choose the 3-month, which is $270, thinking that i could get a refund. i use them for two days, and they're horrible. i have to constantly blink my eyes, otherwise my vision will get blurry. i don't even see a difference in the quality of my eyesight. now it turns out that i can't even get a refund for them, and can only recieve store credit. they have a policy on the wall which i didn't see that says this. now i don't know what to do. i really fucked up here, they basically just robbed me. is there *any* way i could get my money back, or have something work out for me?

bought $270 worth of contact lenses at cohen's that i can't wear and won't give me a refund, only store credit.

buying $270 worth of contacts that i can't even wear

prolouge: some of you may have ran into the posting of a young man that lived through the agony of shaving the hairs on his ass some time ago. i only ran across that post after having tried it myself and wanting to see if there was some way to get over the agony and utter despair of having a hairless ass. but first some background. the act: i am a hairy guy. i'm talking werewolf meets a parody of a jew sunbathing amount of hair. below my ass is not that bad but on my ass and above it is a dense, dank forest. i have so much of it that i was getting heat rashes in my armpits from the sweat and dirt that built up under the matted layers of hair and it was then that i went to my doctor and she advised me to 'cut some down', which i took as shave off. i mark this as the seminal moment of my adolescence, and let me tell you, dear reader, like kramer told jerry, 'once you start... you cannot stop'. i now understand how the mind of a serial killer works, it's gradualism. you start with fantasizing and it feels good, and the urge builds up, maybe you kill a defenseless animal, and that simmering urge becomes a burning desire, until you act, and you cannot stop yourself because the feeling is pure bliss. and thus i went from shaving my armpits, to shaving my chest, and then from there my arms, until i had not a drop of hair from the bottom of my jaw to the top of my shaft, and everything was oh so smooth and felt so good and then the ladies... the ladies loved it. i even began to trim the shaft and my testicles and became quite proficient at it. then one day, as i was exiting the shower, i caught a feint glimpse of my bare figure and noticed that there was... an impropriety. my top half was clean shaven, radiant even and of course my leg hair was not as thick, but my ass, that one final unshaven frontier was an oddity. albeit one that i quickly rectified using my electric razor. consequences would never be the same... the aftermath: i will simply state this once: never, ever, under any circumstances, shave the hair off of you ass. after about 6 hours, my ass started to itch. i scratched, however, and gained no satisfaction. in fact, that made things worse. i developed small pimple like rashes that oozed blood and needed constant scratching to relieve the pain and that kept re-aggrivating themselves whenever i put on clothes. i started to believe in god because i now know that he created hair and put it on our ass because of friction. by the way, fuck friction, fuck it... fuck it. i cried, i contemplated suicide. i asked the god who i now believed in why? was i an unrighteous man? it hurt when i stood up, it hurt when i sat down, it hurt in the night, it hurt in the day. i slept on my stomach with no covers over my ass for weeks, because the irritation was so bad. at work i could sit in my chair but only at a certain angle and i could not adjust myself or risk opening the rashes and constant itching. i walked like an old, decrepit man so that i would not open the rashes. there was no solace, no peace even when i was 'relaxing' i was in constant agony and scratching every few minutes. in all, it took me approximately 8 weeks to grow my hair back and i made this post now, with my throwaway, because i can only laugh now that i have returned to normal. today, i fucked up.

i shaved my ass with a razor and contemplated suicide

shaving my ass

i was skyping with this girl i like and her friend for a couple hours before just talking on the phone with both of them. i was looking through my facebook and came across a picture of jessica simpson over the years and her weight gain. i said "whoah jessica simpson sure has gained some weight" her friend said "what you don't like fat girls?" and me trying to come back from that idea said "i do, that's why i'm flirting with (insert girl i like's name)" that's when i realized my mistake. they immediately had me repeat myself which i could only stammer "that came out really wrong" but the damage was done. they then hung up on me and i tried my best to apologize and explain that i just was talking and not thinking about what was coming out of my mouth. the only responses i got were "sorry isn't good enough" and "just stop talking about it ok?" the first rule of guy hood: do not tell a girl they are fat the second rule of guy hood: do not tell a girl they are fat

i broke the first two rules of guy hood.

calling a girl i like fat

so i was house-sitting once (it's when somebody with a fancy house leaves on a vacation and asks you to stay at their place, water their flowers, dust their silver spoon collection and what not). 2 weeks into it, i got pretty comfy, and, when getting ready for work in a haste at the crack of dawn, i threw stuff out of my backpack on the floor.... (and amongst the "stuff" there were some toys that would make you blush. seriously, some kinky-@$$ sh!t. like a bunch of vibrators. and a 16'' double-dildo (what? they are easier to grip) and way, way more). i come back to the house at 5pm. the lights are on. somebody's inside. then i realized, the cleaning person came that day (ugh, rich people sh!t). i could not, would not look the man in the eye after he discovered my dong collection (and what's the protocol for that? leave it alone? clean it and wrap a ribbon around? snap a picture and post it on reddit? i did not wish to know what the dude did with it). so i ran. got back to the house late at night and refused to come into the room for 2 days. but when i finally got around to look for my stuff, i found some stash at the house that would put my toy collection to shame, so i didn't even feel bad anymore.

a cleaning person handled my sex toy collection while i housesat for my boss

tmi situation or how i got my dildo cleaned

my dad has been using ios 4.shit on his iphone 3gs since forever and whatsapp stopped working sometime last month and after being bothered everyday since then i decided to update his phone and install that damn thing. it all goes fine until after i install the program i realize his contacts are missing, i go into full panic mode when i realize what just happened. i rushed to my laptop, "it backed up, it should have. fucking god almighty please tell me it did." it didn't, his 400+ business contacts or whatever, his pictures, his notes with bank and cheque details basically everything he needs was on that phone and now it isn't. i haven't fucked up this bad since ever, it's 4:30am and i still can't sleep and he's in the room beside me, furious doesn't come close to describing how he feels.

updated dads phone and erased all his information.

erasing my dads phone

i met this nice girl in my neighborhood, and got to know her more. i ended up having a crush on her, casually moving towards the "more than friends" zone. meanwhile, i was noticing a trend in the park right in front of my house, where there would be a group of teenagers smoking/dealing weed outside of my house every week. this led me to calling the cops on them, as they were smoking weed in the open in front of kids. little did i know that this girl i met was related to one of the teenagers, and me, being an idiot, told her all about the incidents. a minute later, she said that if anything happened to her relative, she would never talk to me again. if i hadn't said anything about this to her, nothing would've happened. now i don't even know if i'll ever have a chance with her. thanks, reddit.

never say too much.

minding too much about things

i haven't played soccer in years, but some of my buddies were playing one morning so i joined up with them. after a few minutes of kicking the ball around i'm standing near the mid-field line, maybe 40-50 yards from the goal, and the guy playing goalie shouts to me, "hey, 100 bucks if you can score on me from there!". i played a lot of soccer in my younger years, so i know it's within my range. he was playing way off the line so i just had to get it over his head. so i start taking my steps to the ball, then put all my effort into kicking the ball as hard as i could. as soon as i strike the ball, i yell "fuck!!!" in excruciating pain, open my eyes, and realize i was still in my bed, dreaming. i had kicked the wall barefoot with full force in my sleep; pretty sure i broke two toes. never did find out if i won that 100 bucks.

don't trust a goalie early in the morning.

playing soccer too early in the morning.

okay, so last friday i decided to sleep with someone and try out anal. i'd only ever tried receiving once or twice. it took me a while to get them inside me, but eventually i just pushed really hard and got it in. it was the best sex of my entire life. every single thrust felt so overwhelmingly awesome. my entire brain turned to mush and i was kind of in a drooling mess of ecstasy. i finished twice. the next day, however, when i went to do my business, i noticed blood on the tp. the next week consisted of some very painful poops. however, it started healing up and was better and better each time. monday night, i realized it'd been over a week since i'd gone out drinking, so i figured, "hey, i don't have class until noon tomorrow, why not go out and get drunk with my little in my fraternity?" so i went to do just that, but most of the bars were completely empty or wouldn't take my little's international id. so we decided to grab some fireball whiskey from his room and drink back at my house. we were just drinking it completely straight, because it tastes delicious and really doesn't need a mixer. i thought all was fine. i went to bed and woke up around 11am with the overwhelming urge to shit. i swear to god the next twenty minutes were some of the worst minutes of my life. it felt like someone had literally taken a blowtorch to my asshole and held it there. i was crying and painfully shitting out liquid fire through my poor, torn asshole. i finished and proceeded to skip class and cry in my bed for an hour straight. edit: if this frontpages, i will probably delete it. people in my fraternity are on reddit and they probably would recognize this was me by the story. edit2: whatever, i don't care if my brothers see this. haha. for the record, i'm a gay male and i usually drink a bit classier alcohol. edit3: tifu by getting to the front page. i really hope someone fucks up a lot worse this week so i don't end up as fotw... haha. also, to all of you giving tips for easier anal sex, i really appreciate it. i'm usually a top though and i followed all the steps i take with guys that bottom for me (at least fifteen minutes of anal play using fingers/toys before attempting anything, going slow, going on top and sitting down on it, etc.), but i think because i was nervous i subconsciously was closing off. but anyway, thanks for your concern for my well-being! my butthole feels much better today. :)

don't mix fire and torn anuses.

mixing butt sex and fireball whiskey

christ, i'm not sure i can look at him the same way again ahahaha. i wasn't even snooping on his computer, i've never used his let alone look at his browser history or anything. about a year ago i showed him a picture of a funny reaction gif, he thought it was hilarious and asked where i found it. i told him whenever i see a funny gif i put it in my gifs bookmark folder. we spent a good half hour just trawling through my amusing gifs, great times. he asked if i could send him all the bookmarks. i figured the easiest way to do this would be for him to log into his google account on my laptop and then copy my gifs folder into his bookmarks. the unintended consequence of this was that our bookmarks folders synced across both accounts. no biggie, his bookmarks were just a load of lol strategy guides and gaming related shit. i deleted them from my bookmarks, and forgot about everything. fast forward almost a year...to today. i've recently discovered the joys of dashlane password manager. so today i install it on my laptop, and it pops up with a warning about storing unencrypted passwords in your browser. this came as a surprise, because i never save passwords in my browser, precisely because i don't think its secure. today i completely vindicated that belief. in the process of swapping those bookmarks a year ago, i also accidentally swapped every single password stored on my housemates google account, which dashlane handily listed in alphabetical order. gay porn, transexual porn, furry porn, futanari, hentai, all the weird shit. dashlane listed his logins to every single weird porn site he was subscribed to, all registered to his personal email account.

do not use your personal email for naughty things.

covertly and accidentally discovering my housemates porn habits, without even touching his computer.

it was actually saturday/sunday night. i was at this local club party when suddenly i realized a girl dancing in front of me is watching me a lot. as time passes i started like trying to start a conversation but it was difficult because of the loud music. she started to get closer and closer until was basically dancing with me, one thing to another and we started kissing. one of the guys i was with (he doesn't know my friend) took a couple of pictures and send them to a whatsapp group i'm in, but a friend of mine resend it to another group where my friend is. as soon as he saw the picture he recognized her sister. i knew he had a sister but i had never seen her, and i had no clue that she was my friend's sister, although i have a small suspicious that she knew who i was. i think my friend ain't that mad but i don't know for sure, i just hopes this doesn't fucks up anything. i know for some people this ain't a big thing, and well i really don't care who my sister hooks up with, but lots of people, almost all of my friends, are very protective about their sisters.

hooked up with a friend's sister without knowing. he knew about it because of a picture.

hooking up with my friend's sister

i went to bed at 2 am (due to reddit) and woke up at 5:50 am to go to school, so i was very tired. when i was brushing my teeth, a big glob of toothpaste fell out of the tube and onto my hand. due to my tired state, i didn't notice it until it was too late. after my teeth were brushed, i ran my hand through my hair a few times to get rid of the bed-head look. i did not realize that i had spead colgate all over my lushious locks. later in the day i (attempted) to run my hand through my hair, and i was greeted by a helmet of hair harder than a spartan helm. at that moment i realized that i smelled like a walking toothpaste tube for the entire morning, and washed my hair in the bathroom. so then i continued the day looking like a washed up sailor, who smelled like toothpaste.

i rubbed fallen toothpaste in my hair. the results were a helmet of hair and a minty aroma.

putting toothpaste in my hair

this is another one of those tifus that actually happened a few months ago, but i didn't feel ready to re-visit this escapade until i'd moved out of my family home. so for a good 3 days in the summer i had been eating nothing but homemade nachos, which is basically just shitloads of cheddar cheese grated on top of tortilla chips. obviously something so delicious in such abundance is going to have its consequences, and i discovered what this was all too soon the night after this 3 day binge i woke up with constipation for the first time, and it is the most severe pain i have ever encountered. it felt like there was antimatter up my arse. it was so bad i had tears in my eyes for the rest of the night. anyway, day came (as it does, thanks sun !) so i trotted down to the shop and bought myself a bar of exlax laxative chocolate. i tried a square and it was absolutely delicious, so i merrily ate the whole bar, believing this to be the dosage one is to consume. i then thought "hey, i know ! i'll have a look at the instructions" jesus.fucking.christ "eat one square before bed time and allow exlax to work overnight" it's 2pm and i've eaten a bar that consists of 12 squares. i run upstairs and try to make myself vom it up, but no joy, at this early stage it's already too late. i have no choice but to wait it out. so i go downstairs, pale as a sheet and decide to watch the olympic games for a few hours while i wait for the inevitable to happen. and by god does it happen. at around 8pm the apocalypse strikes. the vietnam war is about to launch itself out of my arse and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it, so i sprint upstairs to the bathroom ( a room i now realize i should have reserved for the entirety of the day, thanks captain hindsight !). i turn the handle but it doesn't budge, the door is locked. i bang on the door and plea to be let in, only to hear my grumpy teenage brother respond "i'm in the baaath, go awaaaaay". i explain to him that i really need to come in and he tells me to fuck off again. oh dear. i do a little panicky dance that resembles that of wallace when he realizes that he's forgotten the crackers, and then realise that there is only one thing i can do. i lower my shoulder and charge at the door, luckily my mum fitted the lock so it broke off with minimal effort. "what the fuck are you doing !? " yells my rather startled brother "just look away " i beg " i'm sorry, but just, just look away ! " i scream as i pull down my trousers. before my brother has had a chance to look away and before i've had a chance to fully sit down, a liquid jet of brown substance launches from my anus and paints the back of the toilet, the noise is horrible. the sight of his older brother jettisoning 3 days of digested nachos all over the bathroom and the smell that accompanies is , understandably, fairly overwhelming for the poor boy, and he launched a rather stellar vom-bomb all over the bath and himself. this in turn makes me feel quite unwell and i chunder all over the bathroom floor. i then sit back down and sob while my poor brother screams in terror at what has just occurred. clean-up was hell as you can imagine, and my brother hasn't been the same since, we haven't really spoken of the event as i don't think he's going to be able to laugh at it for quite some time. hopefully you guys will though !

overdosed on laxatives and shat in front of my brother who in turn threw up all over himself.

my brother's mentality irreparably and beyond measure

just to set the stage, me and my friend (who was bitching about his throat) were walking home from a late night 7/11 trip and on the way home this lady with her baby needed to use my phone to call the police on her abusive boyfriend. so she did and then the police came. so me and him were standing there watching the whole thing unfold and he said "im going to go over and ask them to look at me." he started to walk over there and i said "don't do that your fine, and besides there checking out the lady who is actually hurt." so we waited more and the ambulance with the lady and baby left and as soon as they left my friend ran over to the chief of police's car and started talking to him. i went over there my friend said they called an ambulance for him and i had no words for his bitchiness so i just waited with him. the ambulance came and the medics were looking at him and they said they had to take them to the hospital. then he tried to convince them not to take him but he is a minor and he didn't have a choice and they left with him. i then continued on home laughing my ass off because it was funny at the time and then he called me basically crying. he said he need a ride because they wouldn't let him leave without a ride so he begged me to pick him up. i gave in once he said he would pay for gas a full tank of gas and i would get him in and hour once the sun came up (im only 16, i got my license but i still can't drive when it's dark). so i went and got him from the hospital about 30 miles away and he paid for the gas and i started to take him home. then it turns out he didn't even get his throat checked and it was still bugging him! so when i dropped him off i honked the horn so it would wake up his parents and it did and he got yelled at.

i let my friend be a huge bitch and caused me to waist my night.

letting my whinny friend tell the chief of police his throat hurts.

i work at a somewhat small marketing firm, my cubicle is in the far end and no one is around me. today was a slow day, and i was having one of those horny times so anyway, i set my phone to vibrate and put it between my thigh and squeeze. midway through the thing my boss shows up and starts talking about some ideas for a project we're working on i couldn't just remove the phone, i'd have to either take it out, or open my legs letting it fall... both options would expose what i was doing. and he stood there for a while the tension kept building up, and the thought that i was pleasuring myself in front of a stranger who's clueless to it didn't help... i tried to hold it, but normally i don't let the vibration go that long... i started sweating, my voice and breath got heavy, and i started squirming a bit my boss asked if i was ok, i told him it was just cramps... at which point he had a look as if he figured what was really going on, said he'll back later and left i let some moments pass to make sure he was far enough, then i fell on the floor and had an orgasmic seizure... it was the most intense climax i've ever had... then i started feeling like shit, and i'm terrified. i don't know if he really knew, or what he thinks. he respects me and likes my work & efforts... and i might have just destroyed all that :( ----------- **update**: - i was not expecting this to escalate this fast. i knew reddit loved vagina stories, but i didn't know it loved it *that* much! - i've thought about it after i've calmed down, and i guess i don't have anything to worry about - what i did was a mistake, there's the reason i've posted in /r/tifu not /r/yaythisisawesomeimdoingthisforfunsies or made it sound hot and posted in /r/gonewildstories - some people are saying it's fake, "dear penthouse", /r/thathappened... whatever! i didn't send it to get approvals, i just needed support, which some have given (thanks) - no one is getting any promotions or special treatments because of this. grow up, it's not high school - about 80% of reddit is immature... and not just in the way of "oh, he's just a teenager". some are full grown adults and they still don't act like it. also, about the same percentage don't know anything about the female body and how it works - i didn't mean for this to get this high upvoted. while it's nice to get to the front page, this is not the "thing" that i want to remember front paged me. also, the problem with high upvoted posts is that they attract a lot of people. they start nice (because they want to give their input honestly), but then end with ugly comments and hurtful ones. most of the comments are good, but still the bad ones that i keep getting (increasingly) through my inbox hurt very bad - you think it goes without saying, it's common knowledge, but like jane told jesse: dbaa. or as luke shapiro told dr. squires: there's enough assholes in this world, don't be another one

: tifu by sticking my vibrating mobile between my thighs and having an orgasm while my boss was talking to me

orgasming in front of my boss

first i need to explain a few things. i'm currently a guest in a house that is off grid for water and gas and has expensive electricity. i'm staying in a little guest house that gets rainwater pumped in from the main house...the pump being situated above the master bedroom. i woke up around 2am needing to use the toilet. i took a piss and figured i'd flush it in the morning. as i was heading back to bed i remembered i hadn't brushed my teeth so i walked back and started brushing. i must add it was pretty dark as i hadn't turned the strip lighting on. i get to the point i need to spit and rinse the brush midway through and with a spark of inspiration remember i have bottles of water lying around the place. i grab the nearest one and pour roughly where the brush is...you know, in relation to my hands. had i been more awake i may have noticed the eerily quiet flow of the 'water' but it was only after sticking the brush back in my mouth and starting back brushing the the taste hit my tongue. i'm backpacking and so as to save space i poured what was left of my liquid detergent into an old water bottle. the more i rinsed the worse it got (obviously), i grabbed my flannel and did some mouth scraping ...which worked ok actually. i had mouthwash but due to its bacteria killing properties i was forbidden from using it as it would kill the bacteria in the waste treatment underground container thingy. mouthwashed into a cup, cleaned off my toothbrush with a lot of hot water (at this point my considerations had gone out the window) and re brushed. took me a good 30-40 minutes to get back to sleep after that.

sleepiness, strict water controls and detergent in mineral water bottles don't mix.

brushing my teeth with liquid laundry detergent.

side note: this happened back in the winter of 2004. this is just one of many embarrassing moments that i have experienced since. back in 9th grade, there was a serious drug problem at my school… ex-lax and it’s “users” were running rampant through the hallways of my high school. i’m not exactly sure as to how many victims fell prey during the ex-lax saga, but i’m just glad that my little run in with the substance didn’t take place on school grounds. thankfully, i was drugged at an all guy sleep over. don’t judge me, i was in 9th grade. this was the year that i was introduced to both marijuana and ex-lax… 2004 was my 80′s. as i was saying, two of my friends and i were crashing at one of our friend’s house. i’m not going to mention any names, but one of us had weed. even though ~~we~~ they may not partake in that activity anymore, weed was something that we felt the need to try. keep in mind, we were total fucking amateurs when it came to smoking pot. let’s just say that our smoking device consisted of a soda can. after poking about 20 pinholes in our poor man’s bowl, we trucked through a foot of snow towards our smoking destination. houston, we have lift off. after a solid ten minute coughing spree, we made our way back to the family room. to my surprise, there was a plate of brownies waiting for us on the coffee table. not even 5 minutes after i sat my high ass down, a physical challenge was thrown my way. “hey bromemeoth, i bet you can’t eat three brownies in less than three minutes”. are you kidding me? that’s child’s play. as soon as i crushed brownie number two, the room erupted with laughter and finger pointing. fuck! those bastards finally got the kid who started the whole ex-lax epidemic. right then and there, my night turned into a waiting game. seeing as my jeans were already soaked from the snow, i figured i might as well borrow a pair of sweatpants (and not wear any boxers under them… you know, just in case). hours passed, and nothing had happened. at this stage in the game, only two of us were awake. congratulations guys, the only thing i was feeling was gas—or so i thought. on a whim, i decided that i was entitled to rip ass in the face of one of the two sleeping beauties. after all, they did poison me with chocolate laxatives. so there i was, pointing my ass at a face like it was a loaded gun, and you wouldn’t believe how quickly that simile turned into reality. as soon as i let that flatulent fly, i went from giggles to terror in a matter of milliseconds. that’s right, i just shit a pair of loaners (borrowed pants). not only that, but right in the face of one of the culprits involved. the only way that my shart story could have gotten any more embarrassing was if i would have bare-assed it. and believe you me, i was one bad decision away from doing just that.

got high, ate ex-lax, shit my friend's pants.

smoking pot.

so i'm currently on vacation in brazil and a friend of mine from my hometown in portugal also came here for a different reason, and we decided to hang out one night. there was a party yesterday and we decided to go there for some fun and drinks and stuff, so he asks me during the day to go buy some drinks. later at night i show up with 2 bottles of vodka and 1 of juice and the four of us (his friends) start drinking before entering the party because we weren't allowed to bring outside drinks. his 2 friends didn't drink a hell of a lot so it turned out me and my friend drinking most of the stuff. eventually we go in, and from there on i have no idea what happened, turns out i was so drunk that i could barely walk, i have no idea how i got out of the party, no idea how i got home, or how i payed the taxi driver that took me home, got inside the house, locked the door, put myself to bed or anything else. i woke up all hungover (obviously) and now it turns out i apparently lost my glasses somewhere.

met a friend on vacation, got drunk at party, lost glasses!

meeting a friend of mine for a party!

i (m 15) live about a mile away from wendys, and decided to spend my friday afternoon with my friends. so we agreed on going and having a snack at wendys. started innocent enough right? so when we get there i get a classic, chocolate, frosty and and joking with my friends eat it with a plastic knife. we talked, laughed, and had a good time. eventually we had enough and decided it was time to head back, and we throw away our trash.. all except my plastic knife. now if you have ever tasted a plastic spoon you would know that for some reason that plastic lollipop is like candy! we were about halfway back, walking on the dirt path when i turn around for a second and to my surprise trip a bit. woah that was close, i almost died. so stupid me thinks it would be a god idea to keep this knife in my mouth and test my luck again. well you guessed it a couple feet later clumsy me trips in a random rock and down goes goodman. 1 hour later im at the hospital getting my torn up cheeck looked at. turns out having a knife shoved through your cheek isnt a seriously injury but i can tell you it was pretty serious to me!

learned that all knifes are evil and i'm smart

walking home from wendy's with a plastic knife in my mouth

this happened last night but i've had some kind of paralyzing shame until now. my brother works at a sales job and the last friday of every month they have a big drink up at the bar near their office. it's an open bar to pretty much anyone who says, "oh yeah, i'm with the company." so i usually end up showing up and we hang out and get super drunk. nothing in this world feels quite as amazing as getting sloppy for free. this night my brother and i were being our usual jackass selves to each other: one of us would go grab a round of shots and chasers (usually the high life, we keep it classy). and the jackassery is that we always try to get a worse shot than the last one. so we went jack, don julio, lunazul, wild turkey (gobble gobble), old crow. and a beer with each to boot. it was at this point that it was my turn to go to the bar. i order two shots of midori, which i thought would have won the game, to which a very cute girl says, "double fisting, huh? bold." or something to that effect. i give her my most dapper smile and say, "well god gave me two hands for a reason." it was around that time that my eyes made their customary once over of this girl's body, and it was a great body too, until they stopped very suddenly. this girl only had one hand. this girl, who i had actually met before at one of these drink ups, was born with one hand and one nub. i stood there just shellshocked for a second and then went into super apologizer mode. i did everything short of prostrating myself in front of her. to my incredible luck, she had lived through 28 years of this sort of thing and was a very good sport about it. i offered to buy her a drink and that eventually diffused the tension (open bar, remember), but the rest of the night, everyone who was within earshot looked at me like i was a damn serial killer.

i put this up here to make you think i'm considerate. read the fucking story.

taunting a disabled person

i woke up this morning when my girlfriend was going to work. she left the dorm room and i took it upon myself to rub one out. my girlf doesn't like it when i jerk it and it makes her upset, so i was feeling guilty (even though she didn't know). so i showered and then got ready for a meet-up i had with some classmates about a presentation we have to make tomorrow about france, belgium and the netherlands during the holocaust. i was assigned the netherlands, in case you were wondering. i was ready to go, when i realized i had about 10 minutes left until the meeting. i beat my meat again. i went to the meeting and one of the guys was late so it was just me and the other member of the group were just talking about what we were going to do for the presentation. i was mid-sentence about anne frank or something when a load of cum slithered out of my dickhole and coiled up in the fibers of my loins. it was difficult to keep a straight face when cum is just pouring out of one's dick. i had to keep eye contact while i was doing it too. i don't know my group member that well, which made it weirder. anyway we stood talking while this gloopy pile of sperm was making itself home in my underpants for a while before the other guy turned up. turns out neither of them had even begun the work while i was already done. totally wasted my time. this is what i get for masturbating instead of fucking my girlf.

the holocaust made me cum.

cumming while talking about the holocaust.

so my grandparents, my mother, and i are sitting at the kitchen table enjoying some after-dinner tea when my grandpa gets a fabric tape measure and starts measuring his waist. he puts it on the table and i toy with it a little. i decide to measure my own waist just for the hell of it and decide to see what else i could measure. it's not long enough to measure my height but i decide to measure my hand. now, perhaps my subconscious had my penis in mind (when does it not?) but i wasn't consciously thinking about *how* or *where* i was measuring my hand until i hear my grandpa ask "what are you trying to measure there?" at that point i realize that i'm measuring my hand right at my waist, with my wrist holding the tape against my body and my hand pointing outward. you know, kind of in a similar way to how my erect penis sticks out from my body when i'm aroused. standing right at the kitchen table in front of my mom, grandma, and grandpa (who is giving me an odd look). i promptly try to pass it off like nothing by continuing to measure my arm and head. side note: it turns out that's not a bad way to estimate the size of one's wang.

bad choice of measuring method makes my grandpa think i'm checking out my dick.

measuring my dick in my grandparents' kitchen

i was going to the uk from brussels to visit some of my friends there for a week. what i had not planned on was the horrifying experience in going there... my train was scheduled for departure at 10:58 in the morning. i was meeting a different friend of mine yesterday night for dinner, and one thing led to another, i got home wasted after an amazing night of beer, champagne and free drinks. it was around 04:00 when i got home. i woke up from my alarm ringing at 07:00, and am immediately greeted by a impressive amount of vomit on my floor next to my bed (and of course, some parts on my bed). the splatter from it had hit my shoes, phone, trousers and shirt i was planning to wear. in my hungover state, i decided to shower before trying to deal with this. that went fine, but then the task of cleaning up half digested burger and fries, along with all the drinks was too much. i puke into my bucket which i have taken to carrying everywhere. feeling defeated, i just scoop up the rest and throw it in there, to then pour this down my toilet. after some more clean-up and putting my sheets in the wash, i finally go downstairs to have breakfast. not feeling to well, i decide for cornflakes and yoghurt. i pour my bowl of cornflakes, only to discover there's no yoghurt in the fridge. i crumple into the human equivalent of a sack of potatoes and watch tv to pass some time (08:00 at this point). feeling myself getting worse, i get up and stumble to the toilet, to throw up whatever i had left in my stomach. here is when i decided to take a nap to sleep some of my hangover away. i set a new alarm and lie down on the couch. some time later, i wake up and wonder how late it is considering my alarm hadn't gone off. i get up and check my phone, and **fuck, it's 11 o'clock**. i basically throw on my clothes, grab my bag and spring to the nearest cab stop. i jump in, tell him which station and hope to christ my train is delayed in some way (at this point i realize my hair has dried much like jimmy neutrons because of my nap). train station. i go to the desk, pale as a sheet, and tell them my problem. i get told they eurostar desk can't help me, and to go to the main ticket desk. i get my number, and as i'm called up, explain my situation again. i'm propping myself up on my water bottle and look like i just jumped out of hospital from some fatal illness. she tell me that there's nothing i can do, but buy a new ticket and wait for the next train. as i couldn't get a refund for my previous ticket, i'm a little annoyed but there was no other option. one hundred and twelve euros. i groan and my head meets the desk. i guess she took pity on me because i told me she was able to get the price down to one hundred and five euros. great. so far, i've puked thrice, i look horrible, haven't eaten anything and am two hundred and seven euros poorer. two hours pass. only minor incidents happen to me. then the check in opened. i get up, and slowly saunter past passport control. i make it to the x-ray machine, and the back of my neck starts sweating. i start salivating. i'm getting dizzy. i drop my bag and just sit down, between security checkpoints and stick my head between my knees. two guards ask if i'm alright, to which i can only reply, "yeah, just hungover". eventually i make it through, and sit down. i make a trip to get a sandwich, and sit back down. twenty minutes pass, no new incidents. then boarding started. i got to my seat, and it happened again. the sweating. wet mouth. dizziness. i sit down. i'm too late. i puke a small amount over my right knee and into the little bin next to my seat. thankfully, it was nearly only water. but it wasn't over. i felt more rising. i get up and push my way past other people that are boarding and rip open the door to a toilet. i'm barely able to close the door before i start puking again. i get it all over the seat and floor. this time the recently eaten sandwich decided to come up. it was all over the floor. it is a vile sight and has an even worse smell. i carefully look left and right, and get the fuck out of that toilet. i get out of there safely and manage to sit back down. no one is next to me, so i decide now i deserve some rest. i lie down, put my hood over my face and basically die.

i missed my train. and i puked everywhere. and lost a lot of money. i could have avoided all this if i had just stuck to my plan of getting dinner and going home.**

getting across the english channel

i live in an apartment with two other people. my landlord will only allow one person to have their name on the lease for the apartment and will only accept rent from one person, which is me. so i have to get my rent money from my roommates and my roommates have no legal obligations. i decided that i wanted to move out into my own place by myself. one of my roommates wants to leave at the end of august/july. i asked my other roommate if he wanted to take over the lease and get new roommates and he said he didn't want that responsibility (i've been on my lease since i was 19. he's 25.) so i told him i was still deciding if i was going to move out or not (in which case he would have to leave as well) and if so it would be the end of july or august. he immediately asked if he could call me later and talk about it, then i clued in that it's because he would like to move out asap if everyone else is moving out. the problem with that is that he's not legally obligated to give me more than a months notice as to when he's moving out, and i have to give my landlord 3 months notice as to a move out date. my other roommate (one moving out at the end of the summer) is not legally obligated to pay the portion of rent that the other guy leaves if he leaves early, leaving me to pay his share for the 3-4 months left before moving out.

roommate bailing on rent, my name is the only name on the lease, thus i have to pay his share.

being the only name on the lease

this was actually last night. i was at a slightly stoopid concert, and my friend and i had just finished some 40's and some tree. i was groovin' so hard to the music i just needed someone to dance with. i see two blondes move in front of me. they looked good from behind, and i got a glimpse of their faces and they looked pretty hot. i try dancing with one, and she wasn't into it. a few minutes later i start dancing with the other and she got pretty into it grinding on me. she kept looking back and giggling. i couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on. after a few songs we started talking a little more, and i asked where she went to school. she giggled real hard and said " i don't go to school hun". i got a better look at her face, and realized she was old enough to be my mother. she said " thanks for that, that was fun". she was still pretty hot. edit: to clarify, the "fuck up" was the fact that i didn't realize how old she was at first. i'm not saying it's a bad thing.

i was drunk and stoned at a concert. danced with a hot girl (who i thought was my age) who turned out to be a milf.

today i fucked up at a concert.

so i met up with a horny lady friend on the interwebs. house is occupied so we decided that it was all fine to fuck in my coupe vehicle. we shared some bubbles and then went at it on the passenger seat. things started to get so hot that i had to open the door, as the car was full of condensation and such. damn car makes a beeping noise when the doors open and the keys are in the ignition, so i switched the key to the accessory position - didn't think much of it. bucket loads of sweat was extracted all over each other, dripping into the seatback. later that evening after dropping her off, i noticed the srs light on my dash. damn, must have shaken the car too much and tripped the incident meter. i googled around and contacted the local specialist to visit me the following day while at work to sort it out. well, today he turned up and hooked his computer into my dash. him: "hmm... looks like theres a reported fault with the sensor". me: "oh, yeah. damn thing's played up in the past. what's it say?" him: "it's reporting a fault with the sensor in the passenger seat." me" "um... yeah i was moving some stuff in my car in the weekend". him: "oh, it says here the liquid submersion indicators were set off. did you get the seats wet?" me: *blushing* "um... yeah i also cleaned my car. perhaps i wet the seat. ooops.". $80 later and he's reset my system, and told me that in the future if i'm moving things about or cleaning to turn my ignition off to not trip the sensors.

if you're going to fuck in your modern srs-equipped car, turn the ignition off or you're going to have a bad time. or fuck on the back seats.

fucking in my car

today, for the first time since october i decided to go for a run, and try to get back in shape. it was a pretty good run, however my right thigh really cramped up after i got back. after trying to bear it four a couple hours, i finally decided to do something about it. i grabbed the "icy-hot" (a sort of pain relief) cream i often use when my back is sore, and put it right where it hurt the most, the innermost part of my thigh. after standing up and taking a couple steps i realized my blunder, the still wet cream rubbed up against my balls, its been three hours, and my testes are still burning.

put pain relief cream on my leg, ended up getting it on my balls.**

accidently putting icy-hot cream on my dick

i am in grad school to finish my masters of social work degree. i am scheduled to finish up in the spring. but, i have to complete an internship during my final semester. it's 450 hours spread out over 16 weeks. it's hellish when working full-time. i did it once, and basically there's no way i can do it again. so, my plan was to go on leave at my current job. this would allow me to balance the internship and school work while not dying from exhaustion. it's great too, because my house is on the market and might sell by mid january. this means i'd have no rent (i am staying with my father in law) and can float my bills much more easily. well, here's where i fuck up. remember that job i was mentioning? i've been working 12-13 hour days. every day. since september. i just got an email from the field office telling me that they were "concerned for my field readiness" as i had not completed the required training session this past weekend. fuck. this training happens once per semester and i've heard that they have turned down students from entering field when they miss it. awesome. my job thinks that i'm quitting (as they just denied my request for leave and pto). and, that safety net that i potentially built up with the sale of my house? worthless. thanks, career point!

i missed a required training for an internship and now i probably cannot finish school in the spring. i have already gone through the motions to quit my job and had a great plan to have almost no expenses while in the internship...and that is gone.

missing a required training

i bombed the final. the worst part is that i have a job lined up for january 13th and now i have to tell my boss about the fuck up and maybe have my offer declined. fuck. edit: things turned out decently. i did an internship this semester that i'm going to get to retroactively count for credit. i will graduate from college without taking any additional classes. i told my boss at work and he told me that he liked my integrity and honesty for coming clean about it and having a plan to recover. the job and salary are still on the table regardless of my degree. more on the reason i failed: the professor is an extremely hard grader with no teaching ability to merit it. the average % in the class was a 58. i got a 54, and he would not bump me up. every professor in the department knows that him and one other professor are terrible, but they can't be pushed out. my overall gpa, even with the d is a 3.4 (i only lost about .06 points because of it). this semester, i also got a b in a graduate level class with a foundation in high-level mathematics and completed two project based classes with a's, one from the best/most challenging professor in the department. sure, maybe i could have studied more, but this professor isn't free of blame on this part.

managed to not lose my job offer or starting salary, i'll graduate next semester. working hard and being honest about mistakes helped me recover.

getting a d in a class and now i can't graduate

no, i didn't shit myself, but it wasn't loads better. got on the bus on the way home from lectures at uni with friends from my course. the bus is full so i'm standing which is fine, though it's in one of the more open sections of the standing area so i need to reach up for the rings to hold on to. which is also fine. at this point i should also mention that it's the last day of lectures and a big programming project hand in day, so i am knackered. i am also a big guy, and of my skills good balance isn't one of them. deciding that i might fall over if i remain hanging onto the rings, i decide to reach for a pole a couple of feet away. as i do so the bus goes round a corner and i lose my balance. it takes me a while to properly lose it though, so there were a good five-ten seconds where i knew i was going to fall on someone, but wasn't yet in a position to apologise profusely. inevitably i fall, and the student, middle-aged woman and old man seem reasonably ok with the situation. i feel like a tit. i stand up to see a friend of a friend absolutely pissing herself with laughter, trying to do it subtly. my friends pretended not to notice at the time, but between the lot of them i'm not going to hear the end of it. or get that bus again. at least i didn't shit myself.

big guy falls on people on a bus, people see, mock him, no one shits themselves. sounds far less dramatic or entertaining than the full version.

getting on the bus

so today, my coworker at a tech company asked me to help him set up a second database for one of our apps. him: "i've been working with 'app' for a while now. i've been working hard on making the data in it really great for demos, i just need a second version of 'app' for dicking around with development work." me: "ok great! i've done this before, i'll help you set it up!" 45 minutes later. me: "ok that was harder than i thought it would be, but this new instance of app seems to be working! try bringing up your original app to make sure it still works! :d" original version of app comes up.... no data! us: (◉︵◉) (◉︵◉) me: "well, looks like there's no data in this anymore" him: "..." (trying to be a good sport about it) me: "well that's fucked up. sorry dude" ** i am going to buy him a cake tomorrow. *edit:* also i shit my pants via shart by accident at work last week but i didn't feel like making a throwaway account, but might as well share that tidbit too

** today i fucked up and i feel really bad about it. i lost a lot of his work and he works really hard.

deleting my coworker's last month's worth of work

i'm positing this under a throw-away, because i don't want to make anyone else feel badly... after thanksgiving, i was feeling so grateful and blessed by all we had. no real savings, but no huge debt either, and enough to pay the bills. i was looking forward to extra work hours and a bonus on my december 15th check, so i decided to help other people out. toys for tots, the foster system toy drive, the local food drive, and another family on reddit that were having a tough time all got hundred dollar donations. i finished my christmas shopping for family, signed up for reddit secret santa, paid all the monthly bills.... and then came down with influenza. the 'flu is no joke. i was flat out for a week, and i missed 8 days of work. during the busy season, the working of which is what *earns* that holiday bonus. that, plus two doctor visits and a prescription of tamiflu, and i am down a cool $1000 from my "projected budget." with $90 bucks left until january 1st. so my husband and i are trying to return the gifts we got for each other in time to buy groceries. i'm returning a couple of things i got for my daughter as well. being an elf is a wonderful thing....but planning ahead and being frugal would have been better. next year, i'll start saving early so i have money to share that doesn't hinge on my "projected" paycheck. oops.

santa's elves' kids have few toys of their own, like the cobbler's kids who have no shoes.

i treated "budget projection" like reality and played at being an elf. oops!

today i said a sexist comment about how women right were a joke since we were talking about rights in social class so i got the death stare from this one girl who has a mighty wraith and i thought she was going to kill me. i was apologizing to everyone in my class and tried explaining it was a joke from somewhere. also i'm not a sexist male i think male and females should have equal rights. sorry for the spelling mistakes i try to improve on it.

made sexist joke in a room full of grade 9ers.

trying to be funny

i stayed up all night last night because i needed to catch up on a really important controlled assessment that i was behind on. this means that at school i was exhausted. unfortunately i had a french test the same day, and, seeing as i slept through half of it, i'm not expecting a great mark. so as soon as i got home from school, i had a shower, got dried, and went downstairs to relax and go on reddit. turns out i fell asleep at some point. this would not usually have been a problem, but when i woke up my laptop had been restarted. when i logged back into my laptop, i checked my history and i saw that the last thing i had been browsing was /r/wtf. i opened the last link that i viewed on it in my semi-conscious state, and, to my horror, it was an imgur album with pictures of a man branding the head of his penis. i am 99% sure that at least one of my parents saw my the screen of my laptop whilst i was asleep, so of course it doesn't really look amazing at this point, because my dad implied that i should be more careful about what i'm viewing online. hopefully he just said this as a general tip because i guess there's the possibility of my laptop having restarted *before* he got the chance to see my screen, as long as i drowsily pressed space when [this cunt](http://i.imgur.com/j4y72cy.png) showed up (pressing space will select the option highlighted automatically, which, in this case, is "restart now") - although it is very wishful thinking. i have no idea how my laptop could have been restarted otherwise though. so now, not only am i behind on my revision for my big controlled assessment in a few hours which i won't be able to concentrate on anyway, but my parents may also think i am into genital mutilation. ***

don't fall asleep and browse /r/wtf at the same time

pulling an all-nighter

so my family has an atrocious way of dealing with all things culinary. all of it. the house is pretty big, so when people go off on their way with dishes... sometimes those dishes don't get back all that quickly to the kitchen. i myself have to deal with 3 flights of stairs to get to a sink. **i can't have it piling up in my room** 2 plates max. who really wants to be so gross as to make multiple trips to get dirty dishes from one level of the house to wash them? i'll tell you who. people that i'm related to by blood. i had found this double bagged 80liter garbage bag by the stairs full of dirty cups, cutlery and plates/bowls. i'm talking 30 plates a handful of glass, cups and all that. just sitting there waiting for one of the guys to haul it down. it was a good 40 lbs of it. 3 months of dishes. 3 months. yes, we've got a looooot of dishes. it's weird don't ask. the family can't grasp the concept of a set. my dad would be the one to either hand scrub them or cart them in the dishwasher. who the fuck wants another human being to deal with that after working 10 hours in a lumber yard? not me. i was furious. so i did what comes to me naturally. i brought it downstairs to the garage, found a heavy object, and wailed on that garbage bag till every single one of those dishes were not dishes any more. i fed that bag blow after blow, reducing the evil contents from their form and function. i found serenity then. still waiting for either mom(who'll rage the fuck out of me) or dad(who'll sigh and tell me i can't do things like that at my age) to find out.

someone in my family wanted my labour working father to get back home and deal with their months of hoarded food vessels. i took the task with closed fist and shielded eyes.

not washing the dishes.

(told in my dads perspective) as i was working at the local machine shop this morning, i noticed that one of the machines wasn't working right. my boss, who was a self centered dick, was certain that there was nothing wrong with it. but i went to check it out anyway sure enough, i was able to diagnose the problem, and as soon as i was able to prove to scd that the machine was really broken, he fired me. yep. not a good day. no

just read it.

proving my boss wrong.

tifu man...so i recently got knee surgery and after the surgery, the doctor informed me that i would experience constipation, pain, etc.; the standard stuff. so about four days into recovery, nature calls, and i hobble into the bathroom. i plop down, preparing myself physically and mentally for sweet relief, and start. about ten seconds in, i realize that i'm turtle-heading. fuck me. so, i reverse the process and go about my business. the next day, things are going well besides the slight discomfort in my tummy, so i tell my mom i'm going to the bathroom. "don't push too hard! you'll get hemorrhoids!" bitch, please. i am expert as far as biblical shits go. so i sit down and engage in another encounter bout with the turtle-head. fecal matter-2 me-0. at this point i am at day 6 with no successful bowel movement, and i'm feeling kinda shitty. i'm chilling at a friends house, crushing water, eating healthy, doing anything to soften up this load, all the while complaining that i have to poop, as mental preparation of course. "just go, dude!" nah man. its not time. as i leave his house, i realize, its on. shits going down. i stumble into my house, and tell everyone present what's about to happen. no one cares. so i go into the bathroom and push like no other, conquering the monstrosity of a log and dropping it into the bowl. fuck yeah!. i go to bed that night, a little butthurt, but with a smile on my face, knowing i've conquered the beast. this morning i wake up sore and feeling like i could empty a little more. it's just a little shit, but as it came out, it burned like the satanic fires of the circles of hell as i let out a gutt-wrenching scream. i stumble out of the bathroom and sit ever so delicately on the sofa, realizing that every movement hurts like a bitch. i pushed too hard, and am sitting on the softest things i could find as i type this. mom, your were right. poop, i concede to you, i fucked up.

mom told me not to push too hard. i did. hemorrhoids. poop wins.

pushing

**see photos below** first off, let me say to never try this unless you do your research thoroughly. i thought i had, but obviously not: so this happened over the weekend, and my partner told me to share it. i had to go to a political science convention in a major city in texas, and i had been struggling with my weight because of some new medication i had been prescribed for my depression. unsatisfied with my size, and not being able to fit into my suit jacket properly, i turned to the internet for tips to lose a few inches for a day. i came upon an article that explained how models use duct tape to lose a few inches around their waist for photo shoots. i told myself that i could handle that for a day, a day in the heat of texas, and feel confident about my appearance in front of texas representatives and a senator. here's how my day went: 4am- took a shower and wrapped my waist in duct tape. i was feeling generous so i used a whole roll of duct tape. 5am: forced to use absolute proper posture, i gallantly floated to my car and held my breath to sit and drive to campus. 6am: carpooled with my political science advisor and another student. sat in the back with perfect posture and short breaths for a 4 hour drive. 930am: convention starts and i am feeling great, and i am complimented on my appearance by some the students. 10am: first speaking panel begins. at this point, i can feel my chest tighten, and the room gets hotter, but no biggie. 1100pm: first panel ends, and i have to go to the bathroom. it was quite the challenge. i had the most perfect posture for any shitting session in existence. 1130pm: lunch begins and i am sitting with other students from other universities across the state. i start seeing stars, but control my breathing. everything is still okay. 1230pm: second panel starts with the senator speaking. at this point, there is a layer of sweat wanting to escape from underneath my duct tape girdle, but cannot due to the concrete stay of the tape. i adjust my sitting position and feel a sharp pain in my side; my skin tore. i started panicking, but kept my breathing in check and bit my cheek to help keep the pain at bay. 130pm: senator's panel ends, and i go for a meet and greet. at this point i am sure i look like i had a stick up my ass, but i push through wanting to meet the senator. after the meet and greet, i decide to go to the bathroom again. as soon as i sit down on the toilet, i can hear my skin, combined with the noise of the duct tape, tear. it hurt like a little bitch. 230pm: third panel starts. i am sitting next to the guy that came with me, and i start to see stars again. no ounce of effort puts my dizziness and light-headedness at bay, so i struggle to a standing position, tell my partner i'm not feeling well, and head back to the bathroom. 245-315pm: i completely undress myself in the stall, choosing to rip off the duct tape as a last resort. i didn't want to have to bear the excruciating pain of duct tape being removed from my waist, especially my happy trail hair. i use this time to air out my whole body, and try and relax. but to my dismay, the pain of blistering and the uncomfortableness of not being able to breath properly, i decided it was time to remove it. 315-430pm: i slowly wedge my fingers through the girdle, biting my tie to take the pain. it smelled horrible and was drenched in sweat. i find the end of the duct tape and start pulling off. it was easy unwrapping the layered bits, but when i got to the tape on skin part, i was so much in pain, i almost passed out. it took me a good 45 mins to remove most of it, but it got so unbearable, i sat on the toilet seat for a breather. at this point most of my skin was exposed, so breathing was back to normal. my mistake in taking a break was exemplified when i didn't realize i had some duct tape hanging low enough to be in view. some guy walked in, saw it, and freaked out. hoping i wouldn't get shot for appearing to use duct tape to strap myself with weaponry, i hastily removed the final bits of tape. this was my second mistake in the stall. i thought using my own spit would help ease it off, and i took a leap of faith by ripping it all off in one pull. *kshretk.* i successfully removed all the duct tape, but unfortunately ripped off a good 6 inches of skin. i swayed until i leaned up against the wall, trying my hardest to stay conscious. i don't think i had ever experienced such pain in my life before. i was bawling my eyes out, and biting my tie as hard as i could. after like 15 minutes, i took a deep breath and put my clothes back on, which was painful as fuck since my shirt rubbed against my exposed sub-dermal skin as well as numerous blisters through out my stomach. luckily, it turned out that the guy that walked in was the guy who came with us, thank god, and returned with my teacher. i embarrassingly explained to them what happened and they couldn't contain their laughter. 430-8pm: the ride home was complete silence, with the occasional glance in the rear view mirror, followed by a cackle. **edit** [here are two photos so you can see the damage. it doesn't look so bad, but trust me, it hurts like a bitch.](http://imgur.com/yguabqk,r5uu66x) **edit2** yo guys, i am not stupid. i understand the healthy way to do this is to workout and eat right. that is what i have been doing. the reason for my stupid decision is i had ordered a suit jacket from amazon. it arrived late, the evening before the convention, and was the wrong size. there was nothing i could do. **edit3** yo guys, i am stupid.

duct tape really can be used for anything, even weight loss.

losing a few inches.

i woke up this morning to an abundance of rain. oh well, the show must go on, so i do my hair and hope for the best. my hair is an excess of frizz, fluff and curls. a flat iron and products are my best friends. finish up the coffee and am ready to head out the door (still pouring buckets) when i realize my umbrella is in the car. not a problem, i can fix this. go back to the bathroom and get one of those little bathroom sized trash bags, and proceed to put it on top of my head. hmm… there’s some hair still sticking out, so i pull it down further and poke out eye holes. success! ha! fuck you mother nature – i win! go down to the car and the family across the street is getting their kids in the car. i wave, knowing i look like an idiot. they just stare at me – they don’t even wave back. they just keep staring at me – even as i get in the car. i don’t think much of it. at that point i’m not thinking much of anything because my coffee hasn’t kicked in and i’m wondering if i can remember how to operate my car. anyway, i start driving to work and about halfway there i realize that i have indeed fucked up. mostly because the trash bag on my head was white, had a point at the top and eyeholes poked out, and that the family across the street is black.

i wanted to keep my hair dry, and now my neighbors think i’m a member of the kkk.

wanting to keep my hair dry.

so, i have had this amazing african grey for the last 8 years. he has a vocabulary of over 150 words, and is capable of forming random sentences and shit. anyway, here are a few fuckups following his ability to speak, and both my hobby of teaching him as well as my friend´s hobby of teaching him the most foul things. 1. we´re at a café. sesar (that´s his name) hates women and has always done. cute little waitress walks to our table, brings me a coffee and sesar a bowl of fruits (didn´t ask her for it even). girl: awwww what a cute little guy^^ does he speak? sesar: - shut up! girl: wow, that´s some beak he got there? sesar: fuck off! get out you twat! slut... (nb: not me who tought him the misogynistic thingies) girl: ehh...right? sesar: yeah, shove it! now fuck off...dog..*barks at her* a few minutes later with the poor waitress bursting out in tears out of laughter, we were approached by the manager who said she had had some complaints from elderly people and people with young kids. we had to sit outside. sesar´s reaction? hysterical laughter all the way out. me? shamed and shamed and shamed for appearing to be a terrible owner, as he speaks in my exact voice... 2. sometimes when i teach him new stuff, he confuses the words. a few years ago, i wanted to teach him how to say "help, i´ve been turned into a parrot!"... oh well, that didn´t go better than the fact that he only learned how to shout "heeeeeelp!" a few days later: sesar is practicing his new vocabulary in an extraordinarily manner. i mean really loud. i hear a knock on my door and something like "this is the police! are you allright in there?" is called from the other side of the door. i open the door with a large "wtf" on my face and they told me a concerned neighbour heard someone shouting for help from my apartment. then a loud "heeeeeeelp!!" is heard from the living room. cops rush there, see featherball on his stick laughing hysterically. cops went silent for a second, then joined sesar in hysterical laughter. parrot and cops became best friends and we ended up having a coffee and chatting about how this was one of their funniest incidents to date. 3. driving with sesar in the passenger seat on our way to get some burgers and go to my parent´s for a visit. had had a party the weekend before where apparently he was tought some very bad habits by my friends. i order my food in the drive-thru, forget about the ball of feathers in the front seat and listen to music while i wait. all of a sudden i see that 4-5 staff members are gathered at the window, looking at sesar. sesar, silent until then, decides to put on public display his newly learnt vocabulary.... examples: - *moans in a male voice, then moans as a female, then in the end moans a manly "ahhhhhhhhhh" * - (in a female voice)*stop it! you´re being aggressive! (you´re being aggressive = sesar´s version of saying you´re nice... icelandic: þú ert ágætur(nice), sesar´s version: þú ert ágengur(aggressive) ...*silence*...(male voice): come on! lemmeshag!...*moans manly* - get... the... f****...out!....c***...dog... - penispenispenispenispenis!!!....*hysterical laughter ensues* needless to say, i got shamed by my own parrot. this is not counting the times he has said other girl´s names if i´m having a girl over, cursing my grandparents, scolding my little nephew and teaching him bad words, biting my brother´s dog´s tail and nose etc etc etc photo: http://i.imgur.com/rsaldf2.jpg - us on itlapd 2013 edit: videos of the fucker (also in comments): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azbubv00ef4 in a good mood http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cruc14dijuy -sorry for no subtitles. only in icelandic edit 2: if you find this funny and want one, please don´t just because they speak. he´s extremely hilarious and has been the brightest point in my life for the last 8 years, but cags (as well as other parrots) are extremely demanding pets who deserve a lot of time caring for them, attention, training and such. i´ve never had a problem with him thankfully, but after i started working shifts full-time (i´m an emergency rn) he developed some problems. also, i had to move across the globe to do my master´s and it´s affecting him seriously. so please read a lot about those guys before you think about getting one. this is a huge commitment and a long term one, as these guys live normally for 40-60 years. more than happy to answer any questions in pm. edit 3 (for the lulz) more examples of his behavioral shenanigans (conditioned, i presume): - always when someone opens up or drinks something for a can, sesar burps violently. - if someone farts around him, sesar has been conditioned to say either "good boy" or laugh hysterically - he also does the cutest things (non-vulgar ones): examples would be saying "wannacuddle?" and rub his beak on your fingers, "gimmeakiss" and rub his beak up to someone´s mouth (normally mine... during puberty he was a dick and did this and bit my lower lip in half).... - he gets extremely horny after i take a shower. if i don´t take him into the shower with me, i´m rewarded with him trying to shag my hand when i get out of the shower

parrots are dicks.

teaching my parrot how to speak

i was dreaming and in my dream, a cockroach was about to [fly at me](http://pestcemetery.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/flying-roach-pest-cemetery.jpg) i raised my hand in defence and covered myself in a blanket, the roach landed and was crawling around the blanket, i thought i felt it near my hand and bashed it away as hard as i could in four quick open hand slaps. full force. in real life, my hand was resting by my side, i apparently raised it, adjusted it right over my balls, and bashed them four times with machine gun speed. i woke up instantly, full of regret, and as i heard my alarm go off one minute or so later, i had to ask my wife to get up first to start the day and give me 'a minute.' it's nearly been an hour and i can still barely walk. the morning piss was a challenge. reddit, i do not recommend doing this. take note.

dream-assaulted myself irl in balls. pain ensued.

whacking myself in the balls four times

i decided to take my laptop to classes today to work on an outline. during my economics class, i was copying over a powerpoint to friend a's flash drive. friend b sees a copy of a video that my other friends made for their economic class last year. he calls over our teacher and i open up the video. no big deal. after it's finished, i closed out of the window, but didn't close the application. next thing i know, i see a porn window open behind it. one that i had left open when i closed the application last, which was several months ago. of course, friends a and b see it (both of whom have overprotective parents), and i'm pretty sure the teacher saw it. made of a very awkward rest of the day.

opened video player to show teacher a curriculum-related video, forgot about a porn window behind it

bringing my laptop to class

i have working with a certain company down here in alabama who does electronic recycling, and they also sell products like computers, servers, switches, and a whole lot of other business equipment. they also have a small store which is set to close at the end of the year. they offer computer repair on the side, but it isn't very big and they only have someone work on computers 6 hours a week at most. i used to work at both locations, and i used to do full time computer repair for the store until they moved me to the main location, and put me in a customer service position for our ebay department. well, i love computer repair, and they completely removed me from being able to preform computer repair at work, so i posted an ad on craigslist to repair computers on my own time after work. my boss didn't like this, and terminated me on the spot because he says it competes with our store. no warning. no suspension. just straight up termination. i have worked with this company for about 2 years and 3 months with no write ups or really any disciplinary action, and the next day i am just completely terminated.

posted a computer repair ad because i love working on computers on my own time. boss saw it as competition and fired me after 2 years of employment.

posting a computer repair ad and getting fired from my job of 2 years.

just before all of this, i've gotta mention that i'm asian. (here we go) and for this particular scene, i was driving. rather, i *have* been driving like a complete fuck-up. now, just to be clear, i haven't been into the automobile-driving business long- probably about 5 months into it. i've just recently learned that i had my high-beam switch perpetually forward, which means that every time, every instance i used my headlights, my high-beams would also turn on. so basically, morning and night. every bloody time i would go out during those hours. so for about...i would estimate, 2-months solid, i've been driving like a fuck-up. i'm sorry everyone i blinded. also, i actually didn't know that you're not supposed to leave your high-beams on, in the occasion someone passes you. so i *literally* blinded everyone i passed. i think i should just ride a scooter instead, now. **the good news**- i don't have my high-beams permanently switched on anymore.

- asian guy can't drive, and blinds everyone.

turning on my headlights.

hello again, i have once again fucked up! so, i am in this group. i'm not gonna mention the name for security reasons, but we like to wrestle eachother... very harsh wrestling... with punching involved. so, i'm fighting member #2. i lunge at him and he grabs me and throws me to the ground. he fell for it! >:) i kick him in the chest so he stumbles away, roll forward, pop to my feet and throw a punch. what i didn't know was that he had already recovered from the kick. he blocks my punch with his forearm by swatting it against my punch, directly at my poorly positioned thumb. ***ccccrrrrrrrakkk*** i don't know how many of you have dislocated a joint before, but let me tell you... it's more painful than breaking it into several pieces. i go down immediately, tap the ground with my good hand to show that i forfeit the match, and the members crowd around me. everyone knows what happened. while the leader applies healing pressure points to my thumb, i am trying to get over the pain. class starts. fuck, i can't miss any more and neither can they. before leaving the leader of the group goes to shake my hand. he tricked me. he grabbed my wrist, and thumb, and shoved it back into place. it would have stayed that way if i hadn't flinched... you know, because of the **immense amount of pain.** the thumb was relocated wrong and dislocated itself on my way to class. i wound up just walking out of class and heading home to treat my poor poor thumb. ---------------------

i was in a fight with another member of my group, cause we were bored, and i dislocated my thumb. the leader accidentally relocated it in the wrong place, and it was dislocated again shortly after.

dislocated my thumb in a fight

yesterday afternoon, my mom told me that she needed my laptop tomorrow (today) morning to work because hers was broken. later that night, i was watching porn. i usually open a lot of tabs of porn videos, and do other things while they buffer so i don't have to wait while i'm at it. so i finish up and close my laptop. so the next day (today), i wake up to my mom's thunderous roar. she was pissed off and yelling about how embarrassed she was and shit, so i demanded an explanation. she told she went to our urbanization's clubhouse with my laptop because our internet signal fucked up. she wanted use the clubhouse's internet wireless signal, but she couldn't join the network (because she sucks with technology), so she asked a group of strangers to help her out. so these people come and check my laptop and my mom notices these shit-load of tabs, and she clicks them. so there they are watching daddy's little girl taking a bbc, and faye reagan on all fours, and other jizz-filled and screaming orgasm high quality shit. so my mom tells them: "sorry, that's my son's," and they laugh at her. these people probably thought she was some fucked-up porn addicted public masturbator or some shit like that. i thought it was hilarious and she was pretty mad, but i could feel in her voice that she thought it was pretty funny, as well. she left my room, and although i was thinking how bad i fucked because my mom found my porn, i was thinking that there couldn't have been a better way for my mom to find my porn. better than catching me with my pants down and fapping in my room; outside, in front of random strangers, making her look like its hers, and me, far away. it was a pretty good unplanned prank, so i guess it's two-fold. it's a fuck up, but it isn't. edit: i forgot to close the tabs, i don't leave open porn tabs open. edit: some people are mad at me, but hey, chill. this is what tifu is all about. i know i fucked up.

- left porn tabs opened. mom opened them in front of random strangers.

making my mom look like a porn addict

my girlfriend is 23, good looking, smart girl who loves sex. my exwife is an unnattracive 27y/o with an evil attitude and a vicious relationship history. this morning before i went to work, i had great sex with my girlfriend. we usually have good sex, but it really was a nibbling, groping, sloppy good time. it took a little longer for it to finish, so when we got done i ran off to work. 2 hours in, not enough work/too many employees and i get sent home. i text my ex wife to see if i can see my son today since i am not working anymore. she tells me that he is with her parents in (local big american city) but that she is near my place anyway, and she would come by (this is not unusual, we are trying to be friends as best as we can. her boyfriend and my girlfriend have always been understanding that we just want to be good parents). so she comes by and i put down the video games so we can talk. we chit chat about things for a little bit when she notices the toilet paper next to the couch. if it was anyone else, they may have passed it off as toilet paper for a runny nose. but since i had been married to this woman, she knew it was for.. well, beating it. my ex and my gf have gotten along since they met, even if they weren't friends. but, knowing my ex, she has always been very jealous of my gfs looks. she immediately begins to give me a hard time about not getting enough, asking why i was jerking off if she was taking care of me? i tried to remind her that i jerked off when we were together but she didn't seem to care. she just kept pushing the issue about not getting enough sex. (it is probably important to know that the only thing that never went bad between the ex and i was the sex). i am not the most honorable man. yes, my gf is awesome. but when i am horny and being taunted, i go on the offensive. i began to make up stories about how long it has been since my gf and i had sex. i basically led her to believe that i was sex starved. it didn't take much, given our history. we quickly began to remove our clothes when i remembered that i had sex that morning and had not yet had a shower. so as quickly as i could, i jumped on my ex, spread her legs and started pounding before she had a chance to even put her hand on my dick. we fucked all over the livingroom. we broke one of the legs of the couch. she got massive rugburn on her back. just an all out fuck fest for about 40 minutes.knowing she had meet her parents soon, and knowing how much i love to cum in her mouth, she gets on her knees and thirty seconds later i cum with a happy groan and lay down on the couch. she starts getting her shit together, but basically just slides on her pants and sweater, shoves everything else in her purse and lets herself out. i close my eyes, and pass out with a very satisfied smile on my face. about 3-4 hours later, i get woken by a warm and soft wet tongue sliding over my dick. i wake up and realise that my gf is home and giving me head. although i would normally prefer it, i was super paranoid that she would smell my ex on me. so as smoothly as i can, i get her to climb up on top of me as i lay on the couch. she rides me for a while, then i stand up and have her kneel on the couch facing away from me so i could watch her ass bounce while i hit it from the back.. only.. asi slide inside her, she reaches down by her knee, in between the couch cusions. i'm starting to getmy rhythm, getting ready for full jackhammer mode when i see her hand pull up my ex's panties. fuck. i froze. like i couldn't move and i'm sure my body temperature instantly sank 10º. it is only for a moment, i try to recover, i want to give myself as much opportunity for excuses as possible-but, of course- she flips. she pushes me off her and starts yelling and screaming. i can't tell her they are hers. i can't tell her they are a gift (sizes are noticably different). i try telling her it is a joke but that throws fuel on the fire. she breaks shit. she hits me. she totally (and justifiably) flips. the one and only tool i have is that there are no witnesses to 100% convict me. i use the argument: we had sex this morning and i'm hard now, how can you think i'm cheating on you? it fails miserably. eventually, it starts to level out. i just might convince her that this was just a misunderstanding. i even offer her my phone to check to see that there was nothing to it, that i am an honest and reliable man who would never ever ever cheat on her. she takes my phone from me and i decide that going to the bathroom would look 'casual' and show her how confident i am that i am not doing anything wrong. mid-piss, i hear my phone get a text message. a few seconds later, i hear a huge crash in the kitchen and some kind of pop in the livingroom. i hurry my piss and run out in time for the door to slam as she ran out of the house. i jumped the smashed tv hurdle and glanced at the bar where all of my liquor bottles were shattered as i went outside. i tried to catch up but my gf drove away fast. i was like 'wtf'? and i walked back in my house. as i surveyed the damage, i saw my phone amidst the shattered bottles of jack and i pick it up to call her. that's when i see the message, from my exwife: shit i think i forgot my panties? you might want to find them before《your girlfriend》does. so i thought that was it. it could not possibly get any worse, right? as i finish cleaning up the kitchen, i get a phone call. turns out- it's my ex's boyfriend. and he wants to kick my ass. apparently, my gf (ex gf at this point) drove to her house and confronted her. they did the whole "bitch-cunt-i-hate-you thing" when somehow he got involved. i said: fuck. i had no idea what to do. i lit a joint and sat down in my backyard and cried. then, i got a call from my ex wife, yelling at me because i lied to her when i said my gf and i didn't have much sex, and thatshe knew i had fucked my gf this morning. so now.. i lost my gf. i am pretty sure i can't be friends with my exwife anymore. apparently i am notallowed to see my son anymore (i know she can't do that, but it is still going to be a massive headache), my house is torn to shit, and supposedly i am going to be attacked by my ex's boyfriends hillbilly thug friends (one of which i work with).

i had sex with my gf, then my exwife, then my gf, then got caught. now my house is in shambled and i lost all of them. and i hate hillbillies.

my exwife for cheating on her with my gf, after i got caught by my gf for cheating on her with my exwife

so. this is my first post, but i feel that my fuck up should be announced to the internet. i love skiing, and on the day of my fuck up, i was somewhat hungry after a day at the terrain park. anyway, after getting changed, i'm feeling slightly peckish, and i make my way to a cafe that was near the resort where i was skiing. i don't have much money, but i have just enough for either a small tea, or, you guessed it, a cookie. i don't feel like a cup of earl gray, so i say fuck it, i'll take the cookie. as i began eating it, i noticed it had rock hard bits in it, and the bits tasted like shit. my idiot conscience made the choice to finish the cookie, and wash it down with melted snow(don't judge me, i was thirsty). fast forward to midnight, when i wake up with the most ungodly of feelings in my stomach. fearing that the shitwater express will make its last stop in my pants and on the floor, i bolt to the bathroom. after reaching the toilet, my digestive system gives me a big fuck everything you love by sending at least 500 ml worth of vomit at high speed onto the floor, and coincidentally, my pants. fuck.

ate a cookie, nine hours later my stomach tricks me into thinking i will shit myself and i vomit on myself.

eating a cookie.

i don't drink much; it's not really my thing. but when i do, i always drink *too* much, and i always eat a load of mcdonalds. this weekend past, i was going to a friends house party. because it was quite a nice day, my friends and i got started early on the pre-drinks. by the time we had left for our other friends, i had already had roughly half a bottle of bourbon and several weak pre-mixes a friend had brought. anyway, after the long and taxing train ride, we ended up at a mcdonalds just a few blocks from the intended destination. my (and a few of the other people i was with) significant others met us here as well, and we all had a small bite to eat. however, i didn't have just a small amount of mcdonalds. having not eaten all day and being quite intoxicated, i ended up leaving 20 nuggets and 3 large servings of chips heavier. anyway, we end up at the intended house, a real swanky joint about 3 stories. we continue to drink, i polish of the other half of my bottle and several mystery shots. the night progresses, and as it does, i begin to regret my previous decision to eat more than my body mass in nuggets and chips (sarcasm) . i end up (at roughly 2am) staggering to the toilet, but before i can make it, retching up almost all of my partially digested chips into the sink next to the toilet. hearing my graceful noises my girlfriend (training to be a nurse) rushes in to see if i need any help. seeing the mess, she assumes it will simply go down the sink. now this is were 2 things happen; i need to vomit again, and we find out that the sink is stuck on hot. just for reference, the weather during the day was 35 degrees or more (i'm from melbourne so that's pretty hot) and hadn't cooled down at all. anyway, the sink blasts into action, and by the time we realise the faucets design flaw, the sink has turned into a terrible hot mess of vomit and half digested chips. the emerging smell from the concoction prompts me to vomit again, this time luckily into the toilet. after retching for a while, my girlfriend tried (without luck) to both turn the tap onto cold, and to get the chips to fit into the stupidly designed plug. the heat from the day before coupled with the steam rising from the sink in the small confines of the bathroom spread the smell of the vomit, and does not do wonders for my worsening control over my stomach. eventually, my girlfriend comes to the conclusion that it just isn't going to work; so between my nugget-filled vomiting into the toilet, she scoops the vomitty goodness out, a chunky handful at a time, and pours it into the toilet. edit: /u/shadekitty [was kind enough to narrate my experience, making it sound all the better!](https://soundcloud.com/rac91790/vomit-comet)

i didn't chew my food, drank a lot, and ended up making my girlfriend scoop the almost-whole regurgitated remains out of a sink full of steaming hot water and dump it in the toilet.

not chewing my food

i got high. made pizza pockets 30 minutes later. i put them down on my chair to grab my xbox headset and controller and sat down on the pizza pockets. i heard a splootch sound and my ass got hot all of a sudden. luckly there was minimal pizza leakages on to my pants. pictures of the devastation can be added if needed/requested. edit: here's the carnage http://imgur.com/hn1azkr

got high, made pizza pockets, put them down on chair, forgot and sat on them

getting high and sitting on my pizza pockets

so, every day when i come home from work or school (i'm sixteen) i use the restroom. i always reddit while on the toilet because the only thing that would make that situation is better is food. anyways, so i leave the restroom after about half an hour and go for my room, but my mother follows me. she tells me she needs to talk to me so we go in the living room. she then proceeds to tell me masturbating is unhealthy, especially so much. she tells me the fact that i don't even try to hide it anymore is disgraceful. when i ask her about hiding it, she looks at me like i'm stupid and asks me what i think everyone thinks i do for long periods of time in the bathroom. i begin to tell her i'm not pulling my pork, i'm reddit. she then tells me she doesn't want the details and my sexual activities need to be limited.

i whack off with my family awake and in the other room, and reddit is porn.**

redditing.

so i've been sick with the flu for the past two days. long story short, i had a coughing fit and lost control of my anus. luckily, my underwear absorbed most of it and i was able to clean up ok and just toss them out. no one would have even known if i wasn't a redditor who now automatically assumes shitting yourself is completely normal. so, when my non-redditor wife returned home to check on me and ask me how i was doing, i told her all about it. she has not quit giving me shit about it since. every time i cough i hear "careful you might shit yourself!" or "do you need to check your pants?" if enough time goes by without me coughing, she starts talking to our 4 month old son about how daddy poops himself, too. and if i tell her it's getting old, she brings up my most embarrassing childhood moment when i shit myself in kindergarten (a story that was shared in confidence) and says something along the lines of just being happy i'm not at work to recreate that moment. on the one hand, i'm happy to know that even though my wife's not a redditor, she still has the sense of humor as one. on the other, the relentless barrage of jokes is getting insanely old. if you are ever in my shoes, just do a reddit post and never tell a soul who actually knows you.

- shit myself, told my wife, have been mocked relentlessly ever since.

telling my wife i shit myself

during the breaking bad episode last night i got a notification about one of my tweets on #breakingbad. the reply to my tweet said that i won a copy of the boxed edition breaking bad dvd set. i went to the site, redeemed my code, and gave the scammer my address, email, and phone number.

i am an idiot.

giving personal information to a scammer.

this was saturday night actually, but the true severity of the fuckup wasn't apparent until this morning. so i play bass in a punk/metal band. one thing i like doing to ward off any stage jitters is semi-regular karaoke. if i'm not performing with the band at least perform. really does make it easier to get in front of people when you do it frequently. anyway, i'm really drunk - some school was having their 30 year reunion there that night and this table full of women (and a couple of their husbands) kept pouring shots of crown down my throat. i'm not one to say no to free whiskey. so i get called up for my song, and i don't hear the opening drum hits and miss the start :( completely threw me off, but i recovered after a measure. this is why you don't play drunk. at the end of the song i walk over to hand the mic back to the kj, and don't realize that the stage ends before her table. i fall as suddenly there's no stage, land flat on the table and send her drink flying, spill it all over the place. i got up, went and grabbed a towel from the bar to clean up, apologized profusely. i must have landed badly on my leg because my knee is completely fucked. i was too drunk to notice saturday. yesterday it hurt and i knew why, but today it's just agonizing and stiff. i could barely get into my car to go to work this morning.

tried a chris cornell impression, wound up doing a chris farley impersonation instead.

not watching my step

so this was a while ago. whatevs. still pretty fucked. so in high school, i played rugby (check my post history for a little surprise there). like most school teams do, we had a rookie party after the season was over. the details of the party are unimportant, the only thing that matters is that i was 10/10 blackout. straight assed. the next morning, my body turned on me. first was the shit. the shit. i sat on the toilet and tried to avoid passing out from the smell emanating from the bowl below me. it was awful. it felt like i was puking out of my asshole. i wept. i prayed. it made me the man i am today. after that asscapade i knew wiping was out of the question, so i turned on the shower and spread em. a brown stream ran towards the drain as i let the warm water have it's way with me. all this time i thought, okay, this day might not be ruined yet. i might be clean. then i popped a boner. maybe it was the water on my bung hole. maybe it was just morning wood. but whatever the reason, i thought to myself, *hey, you know what would make you feel better? a quality jerk sesh.* so jerk it i did. as i trucked along, i felt as though my headache was going away. this feeling was marvellous. i was healed. then i came. as i finished my previous euphoria evaporated into nausea and shame, and my stomach began to turn. i puked and puked until i couldn't puke anymore. it splashed on my legs. it was horrific. i thought this was the worst morning of my life. *this has got to be the most awful thing i could imagine*. that was before i fell. my assorted bodily fluids had lubricated the floor, and my retching had done just enough to throw me off balance. i felt like that statue of saddam. this time i did cry a bit. i only missed the tap by a couple inches, no doubt saving me a wicked conkie. i still shudder to think of my parents walking in on that scene.

i got in the shower clean and ended up covered in cum, puke, and shit.

nearly knocking myself out in a pile of my own shit, puke, and jizz. [nsfw]

##background i've had some pretty bad sinus issues for going on a month now. between my inability to breath and severe sinus migraines, it's been hell. i've been on some supposedly high-quality anti-biotics as well as pain medication from the gods themselves. i've also spent some time away from my house, hoping it was allergies (dogs + dust galore at home) or maybe some fungus in the house. unfortunately, i'm still the same as i was when it started, but now i'm at my grandma's for a week. one of my aunts and her family are also living here because of financial troubles and because my grandparents are getting old. our bathroom layout is kinda important to the story as well. it looks kinda like this: . ______ . w|d s t| . |l b b| . ------- where w is the window, d is the door, s is the sink t is the toilet l is the linen closet (towels/medicine/other junk) b is the bath. the back of the sink and toilet are on the same wall as the door, the top wall, and the drain and shower head are on the right wall. the linen closet upens towards the door. oh, and there's a garbage can between the sink and toilet. ##today i was feeling really out of it this morning, worse than before actually. i felt like i had pneumonia, and did cough up a bit of liquid. i'm assuming it was mucus but who really knows. regardless, i woke up late this morning, had some breakfast and went to lay back down for a bit. after a little bit of screwing around on the computer, i fell asleep again. when i woke up, i had to pee. ##i fucked up i walked out of my bedroom and straight to the bathroom. the door was open and light was on, but that's normal for this house. first thing i did when walking in the door was start coughing and trying to clear some shit from my throat. standing front of the sink i bet over spit some chunks into the garbage can. with my head still pretty much over the closed toilet, i did a full breath snort to try and get more cleared. ##instant regret. i could smell, tasted, and feel pure diarrea throughout my body. i assume someone clogged the toilet and left it. i started throwing up immediately, spewing all over the toilet. i knew that the toilet was the problem, so opening it up and puking into it would have only made it worse, and the trash was full, so i pulled back the curtain and puked into the bathtub.i couldn't stop myself puking long enough to leave the bathroom. every time i got close to stopping, i couldn't catch my breath without smelling more shit and puking again. after about two minutes of this, i had lost enough breath that i was close to passing out so i tried to force myself to get out the door. unfortunately, i really, really, fucked up and slipped backwards into the corner of the sink which then resulted in me puking all over the open linen closet. i couldn't keep myself stand after that, and fell sideways through the open door right at my aunt's feet. i was wheezing, coughing, and dribbling vomit literally on her shoes. rather than helping me, she started screaming at me. "what the fuck nedryos? you ruined the bathroom!" at that point, if i had any energy left in me, i would have killed her. finally out of the stink, i was able to sorta catch my breath again and after another minute or two i was able to stand and move myself into the kitchen. i just sat there for a few minutes looking like i had been pepper sprayed: eyes watering, face all blotchy, breathing hard, and trying not to vomit. my aunt said some more shit to me that i don't remember but was probably exceedingly retarded. rather than dealing with them right then, i changed my clothes, cleaned myself up and left. i'm sure i'm going to catch some shit, but i just can't deal with them. so. tifu.

snorted liquid shit and puked all over the bathroom.

clearing my sinuses in the bathroom.

i am a student in a very religious school, i am not religious myself but i'll skip straight to the point. it was our last period and our teacher allowed us to play a game, it just had to be charades... so it came to my turn but i refused and they just kept taunting me and telling me i should be a man and do it, it went to the point that i just stood up, picked up my friend and threw him face first into the wall. i then proceeded to rant how i don't want to play and just started yelling and telling them to shut up but they wouldn't. so it came to the point where i had to yell at the top of my lungs for them to shut up, the entire freaking building heard it. fast forward 3 hours later i get pulled into the guidance councilor's office and given a lecture that i shouldn't have yelled at them and people have worse lives than me, yeah like that's supposed to help? the very next day as i walk in the door (what i am about to tell you is 100% true.)almost everybody panics and just runs out the other door onto the cat walk leaving me alone in the room with just me, the class president and my best friend. they both explain that after my outbreak yesterday everybody is scared of me, even the people from other classes.

lost my shit, now most feared person in my entire grade.

possibly screwed up my entire social life.

ok, i have to say first that this actually happened about 3 weeks ago, but in my defense i just discovered this subreddit existed today. a few months ago i received an old japanese arisaka rifle from my grandfather after he passed. i have spent the last few months researching the gun to figure out it's type and year of production when i came across a factoid that said that the gun weighs 9 lbs. i always thought the gun was heavy, but i never would have guessed almost 10 lbs. heavy. i decided i would compare its weight with some of mine and my dad's old hunting guns because i really didn't have anything better to do for a few hours. i went into my dad's room, opened the gun cabinet, and started going through the guns one by one, shouldering them for a few seconds, and then putting them back. after about 5 rifles, i got to the shotguns. i picked up my dad's 20-gauge shotgun, shouldered it, and- bam! after a few seconds of shock at what just happened, i saw pictures and papers flying around the trajectory of the shot. after i realized that the gun had just fired, i quickly started going over the weapon to figure out what had just happened. turns out the gun had 3 shells of bird shot in it and the safety was off. when i was shouldering the gun, my finger must have moved ~~out of instinct and squeezed the trigger~~, but the whole moment is a blur to me, even now. **edit: seeing how i apparently got fuotw, i want to make something clear for future readers: i do not instinctively put my finger on the trigger every time i handle a firearm. i make a clear effort every other time to keep it either extended or rested below the trigger guard when handling my gun when i'm not firing it. it was this one time when, through a combination of other factors (thinking my dad would never keep a loaded gun in his cabinet, knowing i would only be handling the gun for a few seconds to gauge their weight only, etc.), i made the dumbass mental decision to forgo the rules this one time, and it cost me. when i was gauging the shotgun, i never made the mental effort to control where my finger went, so it went to where my mind said the most comfortable position on a firearm would be: the trigger. it wasn't really instinct, more a lapse in discipline at the worst possible time. a few people in the comments took my poorly worded explanation to mean that i always handle a gun in this manner, but i can assure you this was and will always be a one time mistake i will not be repeating.** now, i'm an experienced hunter, and i know how to handle a firearm. i grew up taking the rules of gun safety very seriously when out in the field or with guns i never personally handled. rule one of firearm safety is always assume the gun is loaded. however, this situation had caused me to lax the rules just slightly because a.) i wasn't planning on loading or messing with these weapons beyond a few seconds out of the cabinet each and b.) my father is one of those guys who made sure i never forgot the rules of gun safety. he always warned me about being stupid with firearms and to never forget to unload a weapon when it was not being used, so i didn't assume the shotgun would have anything in the chamber. i still made sure i wasn't aiming the gun in the direction of any homes or irreplacable items. that rule is more muscle memory than anything to me at this point. i won't even point toy airsoft guns at people unless we're using them for their intended purpose. anyway, i quickly cleaned up the mess and surveyed the damage. because my mind worked enough to make sure that i at least didn't shoot anything valuable, the damage was pretty minimal, at least as far as shooting a shotgun in the house went. i had blown a hole clean through my dad's pillow and a box of lightbulbs, knicked his alarm clock, and blew a dent into the wood siding on his wall. i went into crazy-fast "fix everything quick before anyone finds out" mode and managed to actually replace the siding on the wall in less than an hour (we have a bunch of leftover planks from when we did it a few years ago). luckily the shot wasn't powerful enough to go through the wood, so no further damage apart from the siding. i still ended up telling my dad the next day what had happened, and instead of beating me to death with a rusty chain like i was sure he was going to do, he just sat there in silence for few minutes before telling me to just go while he checked the rest of the guns. turned out he had left the gun loaded when he, get this, was using it to scare off some people who had started sneaking into our yard a week after our house was broken into. we're deep in the sticks, miles from town, so that stereotypical appalachian mindset starts to set in when your property is being threatened with him. he'd load the gun with a shot or two, go outside, and shoot it into the ground to scare them off. the last time he had done this, about 2 months earlier, he forgot to take the shells out of the gun and to turn the safety off. so what did i learn from my little idiot moment? never forget the rules of gun safety, no matter how safe you think the situation is. i was just lucky no one was home when i did this. also, my dad is apparently where i get it from. took some pictures of the damage to remember my stupidity. http://imgur.com/a/qycn0

don't trust me or my dad with a gun.

firing a shotgun in my house.

so i wasn't feeling well this morning and decided not to eat anything before going to a job interview at 2 pm. i've been unemployed for nearly three months now, so i was really freaking out that i needed the job very badly. as i was sitting in the lobby, which was pretty warm mind you, i started getting very dizzy and felt like i was going to vomit. instead of waiting to throw up in the lobby, i wandered down the hall and found a kitchen but i couldn't find a garbage can. as i wandered in delirium i found my way into a copy room where i promptly fainted and face planted on a copy machine. i don't know how long i was out for but i woke to a guy asking if i was ok and did this happen often? i kept maintaining that no, i was fine, until i touched my face and noticed my cheek and forehead were bleeding profusely. the receptionist came to check on me, and soon afterward the paramedics took me to the hospital to get patched up. i don't think i'm going to get that job.

before my job interview could start, i fainted, hit my head, and had to be taken to the hospital.

left a job interview in an ambulance

this weekend i went to a crawfish boil/bbq where there was a large bonfire. spent the evening partying with strangers and friends, drinking quite heavily as one might do at such an event. later in the evening the fire began to die down, so i began to pile on my wood. soon i was deemed fire marshall pleasekillyourcat, and my drunk pyro ass really got into it. got the fire raging pretty good. eventually i was completely hammered and i began to fall down into the pile of wood to be burned as i gathered it, leaving me with a few very minor scrapes on my arms and stomach. fast forward to monday when i begin to notice that some of the scrapes are becoming itchy and inflamed. i also begin to notice what i believe to be red bug/chigger bites on my genitals. fast forward yet again to today (thursday), when i finally realize that i somehow came into contact with poison ivy and have evidently scratched it, spreading it onto several areas of my body, including pretty much my entire genital region. now as a child i occasionally got into poison ivy and a good scrubbing with clorox always killed it pretty quickly. did a quick google to make sure clorox was an appropriate treatment for poison ivy and proceeded to hop in the shower. i then scrubbed all the affected areas. my arms, stomach, and legs stung a bit, but i toughed it out. the immediate application of bleach to my gonads was not so bad, so i went ahead with the full on power scrubbing method which i used on the rest of my body. i honestly think that if i had literally torched my genitals they would have burned less. i screamed like a banshee rape victim for a good solid 5 minutes. i am now on the couch naked with a cold rag on my fire engine red testicles, nauseous from the pain, hoping beyond hope that this will subside soon. i most definitely fucked up this time, folks.

clorox is a great treatment for poison ivy anywhere except your gennies.

spreading poison ivy to my genitals

alright, here's one for you techies out there. i was working on a project, and i had just gotten access to the git repository (so no files were yet committed) so, i did a git add *before* adding a .gitignore for the project. by doing so, i had checked in the wrong files. but i thought, no big deal, ill just add a git ignore, unstage the changes, and re-stage them, right? so i added the gitignore, and here's where i made the mistake. instead of using "git reset *", i used "git rm -r *". i didnt realize that git deleted the actual files on disk, and so i lost my past month of work.

a tool meant for backing up files caused me to delete them. fuck you, git.

using git

i study in an european country, and had just gotten back from summer vacation. so my friends got together to catch up and during the night we got really high. the following munchies resulted in a personal best at the local takeaway shop. after a long and hard feast we had finally eaten up everything, the only piece of food left, was this crust from my pizza. my friend who is a living waste disposal unit offered to take care of the last pice, but greedy as i am i throw myself over the table to protect whats mine. i engulfed it like a hungry child from the african wilderness which haven't eaten in weeks, and was more inhaling it rather than eating it. a second later my world stops. it felt like i couldn't breath, but high as i was i wasn't able to determine whether or not i had in my bronchus or if it just had gotten stuck in my pharynx. i didn't want make a fool of my self so i spent like 10 seconds to analyze the situation an concluded with that the crust actually had found its way to my lung, and after that i just panicked. i started running around in the apartment and trying to explain the other guys what happened, and when they finally understood what was going on i was starting to become blue in my face and on my hands. at this point i was about 99% certain that i was going to die, high as hell and with a pizza pice in my lung. it was a really emotional moment for me, i started to imaging what my mother was going to think when she heard her only son have died of a pizza and stuff like that. finally my friends had came to their senses to rescue me and started to do all kinds of stupid stuff to get it out. nothing worked and finally they decided to call an ambulance. i was pretty sure i wasn't going to make until it showed up so i actually started to resign and accept the fact that i was going to die on the floor. this was kind of a relief and i started to relax, and suddenly i started to breath and was able to feel what was going on. turns out i hadn't got the pice of crust in my lung, it only had got stuck in my pharynx after all, i had panicked so hard that i had forgotten to breath and during the following stress i had tightening my chest up so it only felt like i wasn't able to breath. in the middle of my friends conversation with the emergency central i stood up and called them of. 30 seconds later everything was fine and back to normal. i have been bullied a half year now for this episode and every time i eat when i´m high after this i get flashbacks. so i´m guessing the moral in this story is don't do drugs and don't get greedy.

was high, got munch, eat a shitload of food, chocked on pizza, though i was gonna die, ambulance was called, turns out i didn't chocked after all. pretty embarrassing.

inhaling pizza, and had an near death experience.

my old car had lock problems so i lock even my new(er) car out of habit as i get out. well i drove up to the kfc and i see an adorable little cat hanging out under a giant truck. i felt like taking pictures.... as i got out of my car i locked it behind me. the cat ran away, and i went in to eat. my pockets were light so i did the triple tap. it was no good... $50 dollars and 20 minutes late to get back to work and i the shop guys are offering me hammers :(

took cat pic, left my keys in my locked car, $50, mocked**

today i spent $50 to take a picture of a cat at the kfc

my friend (girl) lives in student housing and one of the rules is no guys sleeping over and they have to be out by 11 pm. well since i used to live in the same complex the managers knew what my car looked like. so i left a little past curfew on a few occasions and slept over one night. she is now getting evicted.

i broke the rules and she is paying for it.

i got my friend kicked out of her apartment

so it's spring break, and i didn't go anywhere because i convinced myself i was gonna do work (yeah, right), and i decided the last couple days to work from home and not go into the lab. that means unlimited access to reddit and the rest of the internet. well yesterday i was reading an article on r/seddit about this guy who picks up women using sites like plentyoffish.com and shit like that, and i was bored, so i signed up there for free. i don't even know why, i have a few girls i could go out with an date, but like i said, i was bored. and then, there was an ad that said "just want to hook up? try 'this site'!"....and like an idiot i clicked, made a profile there too, and then started getting responses from a few people. but, it turns out you can't even send a message back or read more than one message without subscribing. so, i looked at the rates and saw it was like $20 for one month, and i figured "fuck it, less money than a night at the bar," and entered in my info and stuff. except i forgot to click the one month box and left it on one year instead. $100 for a hookup site i just wanted to use for amusement until i leave the city i'm in. and i'm not rich by any means, so that was a pretty big fuckup.

i was bored on the internet, signed up for a hookup site out of boredom, accidentally spent $100 instead of $20.

being alone on the internet too long.

i was out with a few friends and my girlfriend celebrating green beer day, an annual tradition at my school the thursday before spring break, and i had ate some pretty greasy fish sandwiches earlier for lunch. unknowingly this cheap green beer and fish sandwich cocktail was brewing in my stomach to create the worst gas on earth. i am talking like walk into a house with a dead body that has been there for a month bad. after these waves of gas hit me, i start to sweat and suggest to my gang of fellow celebrators that we go back to my girlfriends house so i can unleash this monstrosity within me. when we get there it is full of girls and i can't bring myself to release the kraken in their presence. but i have such an intolerable pressure building inside me, i have to pass gas just one more time. i excused myself to another room that was empty and proceeded to let it rip, fully trusting my sphincters capability to hold back this blitzkrieg in my underpants. oh god was i wrong. i proceeded to empty my bowels with the worst smelling, greasiest shit pile i have ever experienced. i immediately felt the shame. luckily i was wearing boxer briefs so it was all contained. afterwards i went to the bathroom, scooped the shit into the toilet, rinsed my underwear in the sink, then not knowing what to do with them after that, i threw them in the packed cupboard under the sink. i plan to pick them up at some point later today, but man am i hoping one of the 10 girls that lives with my girlfriend doesn't find it first.

ate fish sandwhich, drank green beer, tried to fart, shit myself, threw soiled underwear under my girlfriend's sink.

trusting a fart

so a couple weeks ago i pre order kavinsky's - outrun album on cd and have been eagerly awaiting for it to arrive, and a few days ago i bought a new stereo for my car with the main attraction being bluetooth calling/hands-free. so my cd arrives today and i am eagerly awaiting to hear all these new tunes when i go to put the cd in and i realize that my stereo doesn't have cd playback :(. [the problem](https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/487578_10151549899770242_1065392671_n.jpg) [stereo in question (sony dsx-a50bt](http://www.sony.com.au/product/dsx-a50bt) [the album](http://www.amazon.com/outrun-kavinsky/dp/b00b7uoobs/ref=sr_1_1?s=music&ie=utf8&qid=1362715015&sr=1-1&keywords=kavinsky)

bought a new cd that i wanted to hear and it finally arrives and it turns out that my new stereo doesn't play cd's, tifu.

recently bought a cd

preface: a bit of a read, but well worth it if you have the time. i pray that this fate never befalls any of you. edit: "eight-pumped" is a term i made up to describe a sexual act consisting of a mere eight strokes. sorry about any potential confusion. the horrible misadventures of thedoctorg20 and gatsby: part one so everything was pretty normal today, just hanging out after attending my first class and waiting for my next to start at 4. as i sat there in my siberian husky boxers (every man should own a pair) and contemplated life while watching nicholas snooze the day away (he is an adorable sleeper, you're not the police of me) my phone vibrates and i peer over my shoulder to see who it was. [name withheld] had texted me! we had been talking for a couple of days and the night previous i had convinced her to send me some racy pictures so she obviously found it troublesome to contain the sexual beast that i had unleashed inside of her. she wanted to visit me and i could naught but oblige.... i'll take this moment to explain my genitalia. i named it gatsby for the purpose of this story because it likes to party and have fun but goes for the wrong woman and inevitably gets into a lot of trouble. it likes any and all attention and has the amazing ability to blind myself from obvious emotional and mental issues regarding the owner* of the vagina it so desperately seeks out. the old adage states: "don't stick your dick in crazy." however, it appears that my penis misinterpreted it to read, "find every crazy girl you can and put me inside so i can get cozy and introduce myself to her crazy attachment gland and we can become bgf's (best glands forever)" *see "[previous crazy girl]" back to our story. after a small conversation the time was determined and i began to contemplate my next move. i decided a shower was more than necessary so after cleansing my body of its natural oils i began to dress and prepare for her arrival. applying my cologne (smell like a god erryday) and putting on my typical hipster-esk clothing. she finally graces the floor with her presence. i am actually kind of glad to see her at first: sweet smile, nice eyes, etc. we talk with some guys on the floor as nick rolls out of bed and showers (1:00pm) to prepare for his day. we head back into my room and sit on my bed while i display my usefulness and my uncanny ability to find adorable pictures of baby seals (it's an art form). nick returns from his shower, we joke around and chat as he gets dressed and gathers his things. but wait, he doesn't have class until 2:30? why is he getting all of his stuff together if it is only 1:15? because he is a damn fine wing-man that's why. he eases his way out of the room and shuts the door. let the games begin.... the horrible misadventures of thedoctorg20 and gatsby: part two finally alone, she makes no effort to control herself as she jumps my bones, hitting my head on the bed in the process. i combat her merciless advances and pry her off, stumbling towards the door. after locking the door (don't need any more jockeys for this rodeo) i walk back to the bed where she has already taken off her shirt and is beginning to unbutton her pants. i, being the gentlemen i am, slow her down as i am normally more one who enjoys the pregame as much as the super bowl. i think this is an appropriate time to mention a crucial detail or two that i may have neglected to share in the first installment.... this girl's legs are harder to close then the jonbenét ramsey case. she continuously complained to me about guys only wanting her for her body and ditching her as soon as she had sex with them, so naturally i told her that we shouldn't do anything too crazy sexual on our third time seeing each other. she agreed and seemed entirely fine with our mutual decision brought into question by her in the first place, that is until we were actually in the bedroom with nothing between us but her jeans, my sweet sweet corduroys, and the aforementioned husky boxers (once again, cannot stress how important these are). flash to the present and we see a passionate session of tender romance unfolding. she has a reasonable pair of supple breasts, not as big as i would like but nothing that would drive me away by any means. she also had semi-disproportionate nipples, but i wasn't about ready to complain and risk spoiling the moment. the first real sentence out of her mouth since this all started was something along the lines of "let's get naked, but not totally naked because then we might accidentally have sex teehee." whatever. i strip her pants off as gracefully as i can (she does that little hip arch that all girls do when their clothes suddenly become toxic and they must be removed immediately for fear of contamination). so the scenario is this: i in my boxers, and her in her lacy panties and bra (she wore lacy panties, she knew shit was about to go down) lay together embraced in an affection make out session. this is about as far as i thought the day would go, maybe some hands in some places or something along that same vein. i pictured us getting hot and heavy then maybe a little finger bang here and a little head there, typical collegiate stuff after only recently meeting someone. nope. "fuck me." i pulled back from her and stared into her eyes, albeit very confused. did she really just say that? what happened to our agreement? "i thought we decided that we weren't going to do any of that stuff today? you said you were tired of guys leaving you after they sleep with you and that sounds oddly reminiscent of this situation right now." she half scoffed half chuckled and nodded her head. i don't get it... is it now cool to do this even though we had just decided against it a mere forty-five minutes prior?! i played it off as if she didn't say it and just continued along the same path i was going until about a minute later the topic arises again. this is where things get interesting… the horrible misadventures of thedoctorg20 and gatsby: finale after continually holding off her advances for sexual gratification for a solid 10 minutes, she gets even more desperate. commence compliments such as the following: "but you're so big it would just feel amazing and be really fun."(edit: i'm actually wonderfully average, she was being quite flattering) "i want you inside of me, your fingers aren't doing it for me anymore." (and my personal favorite) "i'm starting to lose interest, you'd better fuck me cause i'm bored." at this point i'm annoyed. i just wanted some harmless make-out time with a handful of some ass and a mouthful of titty. is that too much to ask?! apparently not, apparently it wasn't enough to ask at all. after shutting her down for what appears to be the last time, i literally breathe a small sigh of relief. mistake. she seems to take this small action not as a sign that i'm glad the worst has passed, but instead as a relinquishment of my true desires and a sign of potential boredom. "daddy likes it rough and freaky, eh?" she pondered. "i can manage that." she turns her head back bites me on the nipple. not a nibble, or even a tease. bitch goes straight up mike tyson v. holyfield on poor little lefty. "what the hell?" i gingerly pull her head back and look at her with what i thought portrayed a look of utter shock and befuddlement. wrong again self. the face i gave apparently said 'lick my face and then laugh and bite my shoulder to the point that a small trickle of blood emerges.' she obliged. now i am legitimately a little scared of this sexual demon. i push her back and scramble for something to say to get her away from my upper body to save myself from the horrors that were sure to unfold if this went unchecked. recalling that she 'really likes to give head', as she puts it, i blurt out "maybe you should just suck my dick so all of this tension goes away?" yes... let the girl that just bit your shoulder wrap her lips around gatsby... perfect. luckily she seemed pretty enthused by this and went down gladly. with the care of a baby seal wrapped in feathers and clouds she went to work. i desperately tried to think of anything that would make me finish quicker: holly peers (hothothothothot), past sexual encounters, anything. i could care less if i get labeled as a premature by this girl i just want this over. but suddenly, as if she could read my thoughts, she stops and says "actually i shouldn't do this, it's just going to make me want to fuck you more." are you kidding me?! this was my way out. i was home free. i weakly murmur something along the lines of "okay, that's fine" and prepare to just cuddle the remaining thirty minutes of time away, tears welling up at the potential for the epic blue balls sure to befall me within the hour. then, the biting starts again. and the compliments. screw this, i'm gonna fuck this girl and pray to god she shuts up and stops bothering me. "alright fine, let’s do this." she spreads her legs open like a giddy schoolchild opening her lunch box to see what mommy packed for lunch today. luckily she was still as wet as can be so i slipped inside and started the ritual mating dance of my family. start out slowly, build momentum, and breathe at regular intervals. after the first 20 seconds or so she tells me to just fuck her hard and get it on. per her request, i pull out to the extent of my reach and lay into her. 8 pumps. my tattoo (an 8 on my ankle, it’s a family thing) has never been more relevant than it was now. now i'm not saying that i finished in 8 pumps... no that would be too easy of an ending to this story. on the eighth stroke she bursts into tears and begs me to stop. wut. i wasn't even at full throttle and she taps? what gives? turns out that she wanted to have sex with me more than she worried it would affect our chances at dating, but on commencement of the act changed her mind immediately and started crying at the thought of what she had done. she profusely apologizes to me and claims it was all her fault for letting this happen. i hugged her out of sheer terror that she would begin wailing and cry rape or something crazy along those lines, and she finally calmed down. after a couple minutes she insisted on finishing me off so i wouldn't suffer blue balls, but i wasn't about to let anything near gatsby but her hands. after what seemed like an eternity i alerted her of my current orgasmic state at which she plonked gatsby into her mouth in anticipation of the coming tides. bad call. turns out i hadn't emptied the tank in a couple days (five to be precise) and the sexual build up and relaxation had only caused more production. it sounded like she had just swigged back a gatorade after running a 5k. whatever, no mess for me to clean. seeing that it is about 3 o'clock, we both begin to dress and prepare to head to our respective classes (me a little faster than her) and i put on some drum & bass music to calm my nerves and distract me from the misery i endured. we walk till our paths split at which point i begrudgingly engage in a hug goodbye. she tries to kiss me on the lips in the crowded area. dodge. agility +5. she kisses me on the back cheek instead, seems pleased, and heads off to class. i hurried to class and began to pen this upon arrival, as i knew that this tale needed to be shared. this is the bane of my existence. gatsby gets me in more trouble than he is worth, but god dammit it gives me crazy ass stories to tell and as long as i don't get stabbed i chalk it up as a win in the end. i've loved writing this story for you gents, and have plans to have it published in the near future (i'll probably just copy all this into ms word). if this story has a moral, i can't find it. shit was weird, and i didn't learn a thing. edit: due to questions about the following statement "the ass was fat", i would like to clarify that it was the saving grace in this tale and the only thing that kept me from passing into the realm of insanity. edit #2: for those doubting a little bit of my story, here is a sample of our text conversation this morning; the calm before the storm http://i.imgur.com/ii9aypb.png edit #3: wow, i am really enjoying reading all the critiques and feedback! may your gatsby (or for the ladies, daisy) serve you well.

i eight-pumped a horny co-ed to shut her up, she bursts into tears and then apologizes for it. the ass was fat.

stuck my dick in crazy and immediately regretted it. however, the ass was fat. (disclaimer, bit of a read. tl;dr at the top)

what you think happened didn't happen. i am a teacher. i dropped some papers at work and started to bend to pick them up. at the same moment, a student comes barreling down the hall at top speed and his shoulder collides with my face. my vision swims for a moment and when i come up i realize i'm laying flat on my back and there's a web of white in front of my left eye. it's my glasses-the lens got a bunch of cracks in. i sit up and what seems to be the entire student body is staring at me. my nose is bleeding. i get helped up. 'are you okay?' i'm asked. 'i've had worse.' i pick up my papers and go to the nearest washroom to survey the damage. glasses broken (ray ban's), teeth loose, bloody nose, and cheek swollen up like a bitch and eye a nice shade of purple under the spider-web lens. fifteen minutes later i'm sitting at my desk with ice on my face. such is life.

today i fucked up by bending over. today student fucked up by running into me with his big beefy quarterback shoulder. -.-

bending over in the hallway at work.

so, we have a little pond in our garden with a few goldfishes. i was home alone and i went outside to check up on my rabbit and my chickens (to make sure everything was okay for the night). when i walked past the pond i saw one goldfish lying upside down at the surface. assuming he was dead i reached over and of course my brand new phone falls into the quite blurry water. needless to say i panicked and put my whole arm directly into the water. after about 3 min i managed to grab my phone, by that time my sleeve was soaking wet. and by my sleeve i mean my whatusedtobewhite-sleeve of my new and quite expensive shirt. now it is covered in goopy brown stuff that won't get off. my phone is almost peeing water at this moment and i suddenly remember a lifehack that i read this site once (the put your phone in rice-lifehack). so, running to the kitchen, grabbing the pack of rice out of the cabinet, somehow ripping the bottom open and spilling it all over the floor. i gathered some of the rice together and put it in a bowl with my phone. then i grabbed the vacuum and started vacuuming the rice things, right in front of our stove which had a kettle of boiling soup on it. somehow i managed to knock the kettle over and causing it to spill all over my leg that is now burned pretty hard. rushed upstairs to the shower so i could let some cold water stream over it, turned on the wrong tap and got a nice potion of steaming hot water over my already burned leg. so at this point i wouldn't mind if you would come to kill me. edit: here are 2 pics (one of my phone swimming in a bowl of rice and one of the fish that was lying upside down) http://imgur.com/a/pmeyo

dropped my phone into the water, ruined my new phone and shirt, try to minimize the damage, spill rice all over the place and burn myself twice

in just a matter of minutes

the day started off nice and i had woken up ealry. i had extra time to get ready for school so i got all my textbooks ready and packed my lunch. got my shoes and backpack and set them in the hallway next to the door so i could grab them on the way out. with 30 extra minutes i sat down and looked at reddit. when the time came to leave i got my stuff and put on my backpack. it was... wet? at first i assumed it was just grape juice from my lunch, but when i gave it the old fasion sniff test i realized it was dog piss. my dog likes to pee in that hallway when nobody is awake to take her out at three in the mornging. while i was on reddit my backpack was soaking up the pee like a sponge. throughout the day people have been asking "whats that smell?" but no one has found out it was my backpack. everything in my backpack, or at least everything at the bottom, has a terrible piss oder to it. worst of all are my pencils, which i won't be lending out anymore.

layed down my backpack in dog piss, it became wet and has a terrible smell of urine, and has covered almost everything in my backpack.

putting my backpack down

hey guys, so this girl and i have become friends this past semester, as we are in the same class and sit together every day. i don't know everything about her, but still, i feel like an asshole for what happened earlier. so we agreed to meet in the library to get some work done together, and she was already there when i was coming in. i found where she was (i'm approaching from behind) and thought it would a great freaking idea if i went up and gently patted her on the shoulder to let her know i was there. fuck. that. she let out a huge shriek, alerting every one arounnd that i was, in fact, an asshole. plus, her friend was there too, great first impression to make too! now i know she doesn't handle surprise too well, but i still felt horrible...she said it was fine, but it's totally my fault. never pulling that stunt again with her, that's for sure.

tapped girl's shoulder in quiet library, broke the sound barrier.

scaring a girl half to death

so we where in the "pregnancy & birth" part of the program and the topic was periods. in the video a narrator says "during a womans period mucus and blood is expelled from the vagina" and a friend of mine leaned over and said; "bless you.". i just fucking lost it! i couldnt stop laughing for like 10 minutes! i had to go out in the hall and just giggle to myself for the last 5 of those 10 mins.

a friend of mine tells a joke in sex-ed and i had to leave the class because i was laughing so hard.

laughing in sex ed

so here i am, minding my own business and posting art that i've created on imgur to share on reddit or with my friends. turns out that i wasn't paying attention when uploading pictures to the gallery for everyone to view for the respect of artistic beauty and uploaded a picture that is considered nsfw because it has nudity in it, even if it isn't sexual. now i can't upload anything to this account, which i run some business through. i could make another account, but i don't want someone complaining that it's all reposts (well of course because i want them in my art gallery).

; i uploaded a naked, drawn, body to the internet.

posting a nsfw drawing on imgur.

not really today, but anyway, the story begins like this: i was broke and hungry, and conveniently enough, my hometown was attempting to make the worlds largest single bowl of mussels. they got the record and were mighty happy with that (and so was guinness records). of course, they would give out the result for free, otherwise, there wouldn't be enough people to eat it all. as i was in a economic and metabolic limbo at the time (and a notorious big eater), i asked for two portions and said that the other one was for a friend (which, as you may have understood, was a lie). anyway, i was walking to the park in the nice and sunny weather and enjoying my delicious, free mussels. i finished my lovely meal, disposed of the leftovers and walked home and had a wank. later that evening, it turned out that poseidon was not happy with people who took double servings, and decided to punish me. i woke up around two in the night and felt feverish and a strong push from inside my bowels and down towards my poop-chute. i walked as fast as i could, sweating and naked to the restroom and thankfully made it in time. as i disposed of my refuse, i started feeling light-headed and started wiping. i then staggered like a massively drunken poop-smelling and sweating cripple and barely made it out the door before everything went white, then black. i woke up maybe half an hour later, with my numb chin on the stone floor. i rolled over to my back and took a finger slowly to my chin. i felt it go up about half an inch (1 cm-ish) into my skin and quickly took it out. after resting on the cold floor for a while, i got up and cleaned the wound and put on a band-aid. this was about half/three quarts a year ago and today, and i still have a little scar to remind me of the fierce powers of poseidon.

there is no such thing as a free lunch.**

angering poseidon.

on friday, i took a bus from prague to budapest, though i was told it might terminate in bratislava due to bad weather. i went anyways. it terminated in bratislava, even though there conditions seemed fine, and i was surrounded by slovak and russian speakers aka nobody i understand. i found a bus daring enough to venture into the land of magyars thanks to an irish? dude running and yelling bus to budapest, and we soon hit a non-moving traffic jam. for about 9 hours, we move an astounding 2km while giant industrial trucks drive past us the opposite way (at lightning fast 5km/hour or so). i call one of my friends, who tells me that the internet tells him tanks are being sent into the country to rescue people from snow- apparently 2. fucking. meters. of snow fell by the austria/hungary border. someone wound up giving birth in the traffic jam. my bus driver didn't help by ignoring all of the police recommendations to stop driving and by driving on dark, icy roads. our whole bus wasn't sure we were going to live, let alone make it to budapest. we did arrive eventually, though, the next day.

snow results in 19 hour bus ride

went to hungary

today, it's 2:30 am in the morning me and my friends go to waffle house, and indulge in some glorious waffles and other breakfast feasts. feeling satisfied from the full course meal i just consumed i decide to sleep naked in all its glory and fall asleep. while sleeping i have a dream of playing gta iv for some reason, and it's wierd cause i've never played that game in forever. anyways in the dream i run a stop sign and end up getting shot and killed by a cop for it. just keep saying in my head "why the fuck did he shoot me?" next thing i know i'm awake with my throat burning, and i'm not breathing. jump out of bed still not breathing and gasping for air to no avail i run through the house to my mother to aid me. when i get to the kitchen fully naked i see my whole family enjoying sunday dinner, and not just my family today. my grandmother and two of my aunts, and uncles are there too. i just keep one hand on my dick while pointing to my throat and gasping for air. my mom asking freaking out with the phone in her hand debating to call 911 and asking me "what is wrong?" but i can not reply because of the lack of breath i am currently getting. finally the burn in my throat subsides and i can breath again. i immediately say "i couldn't breath" really loud and run to my room. my mom pursues me in a chase to my room to see if i'm alright. i then get dress and bring myself to the dinner table to eat with my family, but the dinner is awkward because one of my aunts will ask "are you alright? we don't need to go to the doctor do we?" and a minute later one of my uncles would be talking about how he was immersing himself into the glorious chicken feast before him and when he looked up all he saw was penis. it is a lunch that will be in my family for ages, if i just keep breathing.

i woke up not being able to breath and ran into the kitchen naked with my whole family eating dinner.

running into my sunday family dinner naked.

so i was in desperate need to take a leak. no gas stations, hotels or restaurants in sight. my bladder was screaming for relief. i finally gave in. i was on the verge of pissing my pants when i spot a large flatbed tow truck parked on a street that was perfect for a clandestine public urination. i briefly look up into the cab, empty. i unbutton (more to that later), and start. suddenly i hear a voice...*from inside the truck!* the driver was sitting back reclined on the phone. he sat up when he saw someone right next to his passenger door. we made eye contact. i used my pelvic floor muscles and turned away mid piss. as i walked off hastily i could not for the life of me get my dick back in my pants! i also could not re button them either. result? dick flashing a few cars and a pedestrian. oh god i hope there weren't any kids in those cars... i finally get my dick back in my pants. i button up. and i start walking across the street. as fast as my shame can take me. that is when i notice the warm rush, then cold of dribble. and not just a little post pee dribble that we are all familiar with. but full on "look, that guy pissed himself!" fuck. to make matters worse, i am wearing acu army pants. so the patch is darker than the rest of the trousers. oh, and i still had to pee desperately.

tried to take a public piss on a truck, surprised driver, while fleeing dick flashed people and got a healthy amount of urine on pants in daylight.**

pissing my pants, in public, in broad daylight, in front of a tow truck driver and commuters.

once, i was an avid runner. i had slowly worked my way up to 10k with a decent time and was proud. all throughout smoking half a pack of reds daily, drinking far too much cheap bourbon nightly and eating poorly because it all seemed to balance out. well sometime last summer i injured my knee. the doctor's response was to have me not put unnecessary strain on it. i stopped running, but continued smoking, drinking and eating poorly. today, a good six months later i decided to go out for a run. i dug out my warm woolen socks, homemade ipod armband, and the shiny new runners i had bought as a treat just before my injury. i began my old route and all was wonderful; the sun rising over the flats turned wildlife preserve where i had always ran, birds singing in the trees, the raconteurs blasting in my ears... my viscera felt animated once again. at about 9k, i could tell something was wrong. i had felt a little funny earlier but chalked it up to the acidic costa rican coffee to which i woke. at 9.5 i was woozy and had to stop dead. i learned up on a telephone pole and felt as though a wave had just crashed against me. not a pleasant warm caribbean ocean wave. a bone chilling, gut wrenching, tidal bastard, hell-bent on tearing me to shreds. somehow, and quite simultaneously, i managed to both vomit and shit myself. luckily, being a quiet early morning sunday in the suburbs, nobody was around to witness my fuck up, save the sheepdog who belonged to the yard i threw up in, and his judgmental eyes. the taste of the coffee's green apple acidity bursting up from my innards, down the telephone pole and onto my shiny new trainers will not be something i'll soon forget. i walked the last half k in shame, the runny unpleasantness contained loosely in my boxers, the stink of failure on my breath. reset the counter.

ran 10k, puked, and shit myself.**

going for a run.

i made a throwaway thinking i wouldn't need it but today is one of those days. okay, so i was coming back to my apartment when i remembered my roommate's boyfriend was going to be there with her. i didn't plan on coming back but my date ended badly. so anyway i come inside when i feel a huge urge to fart so i went to the bathroom to release the kracken. you know those farts? where you can feel if its going to be a huge one? yeah, i considered holding it in but one step too big and my ass wouldn't be able to keep it in. and if i just went into the bathroom and let it all out there was no doubt they would hear it, and kill the mood. so i thought, 'hey, if you spread your ass apart, it won't be so loud.' ugh. since i was just coming back from a date i was wearing a high-waisted skirt, and those don't really allow you to spread your legs, as mine was really tight. so i take off this shirt, widen my stance, bend over, and use my hands to spread my ass apart and fart. almost silent. just as i finish, bam. door is open. my roommate walks in. i guess she didn't know i came in, as our bathroom is right next to the front door. well there i am, bent over legs apart picking my skirt off the ground. and instead of covering up, i fucking freeze where i am. i was fucking *mortified* because she is seeing me, in all my glory. she quickly stammered, "oh uh, sorry, uhm, bye." and shut the door. i put my skirt on, and was met with an awkward silence as i walked past them in the living room to my room. i could die right now. i'm almost positive she told him. i don't know what to tell her if she asks. i can't even face her anymore.

didn't want to disturb roommate and boyfriend, so i spread my ass to silence a fart as my roommate walks in.

trying to make a silent fart

so last night my roommate and i were bored and decided we would play a drinking game. we found a typical template for a drinking game based around the show the league. needless to say, like most of these games, it's impossible to finish an episode without nearly dying of alcohol poisoning. ten shots of vodka later, my roommate and i find ourselves stumbling about for a couple hours, talking to friends and what not. we were enjoying the drunken bliss. in the state i was in i quickly lost track of the whereabouts of my roomie and went on a search to find him. as i stumble back to the room an incredible desire to shit begins to take hold of me. now to paint the picture of this dorm, our room is literally 5 feet from the bathroom. however, my drunken brain convinced me that i would not make that distance and so i was left with one option... hanging off his bed post was his open backpack, and it is there that i proceeded to unload a torrent of vicious, alcohol induced sludge that nearly filled the poor bag to the brim. it blacks out from there and next thing i know i am in the bathroom stall bracing against the walls as the room spins and collapse around me. all i have on is a soggy pair of shit smeared boxers tangled around my ankles as i desperately try to go to the bathroom. then i feel like i'm going to throw up. in what can only be described as an astoundingly coordinated shifting of my body i managed to throw up into the toilet. i must say at this point, for all of the bodily fluids coming out of me i managed to keep them contained well. not a drop of shit hit the floor. by this time i make it back to the room and the roommates back. i collapse onto my bed and pass out. by the time i wake up it is nearly noon and i notice a very distinct smell. up until this point i had totally forgotten what i had done. then i remember... i spring up and this wakes up my roommate. "what is that smell?" he asks. "it smells like shit..." i get up and as i walk about the room i already know what i've done. yet, i still check the trash cans hoping that maybe, just maybe i didn't really do it. they are both empty and as we slowly approach the backpack a look ambivalence spread across his face. he described it as being perversely impressed. impressed that i managed not to shit on the floor, upset that it was in his backpack. luckily he had removed his books so the only damage was to the backpack itself. however, his wallet that was in the front pouch managed to absorb the liquid shit and now retains a distinctive odor of ass slop. we decided to throw the bag away... i was also now required to replace not only the bag but also the wallet. i gave him my extra backpack and in my spare time made him a pretty banging duct tape wallet. and i had to ride a bike 2 miles in order to get him chipotle while hungover and practically vomiting the whole way there and back.

-> i got drunk, shit in my roommates backpack and had to make him a duct tape wallet

filled my roommates backpack with shit.

first of all, this wasn't actually today, it was when i was 10. anyways, i was being a good kid, helping my mom cut up peppers to make summer salad. (bell pepers, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, and some godly greek dressing stuff.) i was hollowing out a green bell peper of all the white-ish stuff on the inside, including the seeds. right after i finished, it was all pretty, ready to start getting diced up. here comes the stupidity being the dumb fuck 10 year old i was, i decide i'm gonna put water in the hollowed out pepper and act like it's a coconut or some shit *and drink out of it*. so according to myself, this plan was flawless. i go over to the sink with my "cup" in hand, and fill it up. my mother was still cutting, she didn't see any of this devious plan. fill up the pepper, take a sip.. oh dear god, why. i don't know what it was that made it taste as disgusting as it did, but something sure did. i spit it out everywhere. it doesn't sound like it would be that bad, but the taste was absolutely horrendous.

hollowed out a green bell pepper, made it my awesome cup and drank out of it. was fucking disgusting.

trying to be cool.

this story is hard for me tell i have so much shame....my wife and i are proud parents to a seven month old son. we want more kids soon but aren't ready just yet and my wife can't take birth control so we have to use condoms around her ovulation time. last night i come home from work to find my wife waiting for me in bed with no clothes, a come hither look and a condom sitting on my pillow. i immediately get hard as a rock, tear off my clothes roll the condom onto my dick climb into bed and give the little lady a hurtin. well after said copulation we are both worn out i pull off the condom and throw it in a trash can that my wife keeps next to the bed, get up take a piss and we watch some netflix for awhile before falling asleep. flash forward to today...i get home from work and i am tired but the wife needs to run to the store and asks me to watch our son. i am a little pissed cause i get up really early in the morning and when i get home i just want to unwind but whatever i"ll watch him. i bring him in our room, (which by the way is our bed two night stands, a dresser and a floor lamp and aforementioned trash can) put some toys on the floor put him next to them, put up a baby gate in our doorway and climb into our bed turn on the tv. after about ten minutes of looking at the tv and keeping an eye on our son i start to drift off...suddenly i wake up with a start. i look at the clock and realize it was only a couple minutes later. i immediately look down for my son. he is laying on his stomach with his back to me. i decide to get down on the floor and play with him cause i know if his mom gets home and sees me laying in the bed with him on the floor she is going to be like why weren't you spending time with him? as i get closer i say my son's name and he turns around to look at me. the horror i see almost makes me instantly puke...he is chewing on my used dong bag. in the two minutes i fell asleep he had knocked the trash can over and gotten into the garbage. i run up to him screaming no son that is dirty! i yank it out of his mouth which of course makes him scream so i pick him up and try to calm him down. after he calms i take him into the bathroom wipe his brothers and sisters off his face (yep you heard that right) put him back near his toys pick up the trash and vow to never tell my wife.

fell asleep baby chews used condom

falling asleep for two minutes

i just started a new job and have been a little stressed about work. so last friday i left work at the end of the day and needed gas. i stopped at a gas station, pre paid inside and began pumping gas. my windshield wiper fluid box has a leak so my windshield is constantly dirty. while my gas was pumping i used the scrub thing to clean my windshield. finished, got in my car, drove away... with the gas hose still in my car. it ripped the hose out. after 20 minutes of the gas station attendent calling me an idiot, taking my information, and telling me they just had that pump fixed the day before, i was on my way. so on my way home from work today i was running low on gas. you guessed it; i did the same exact fucking thing. in a matter of 6 days, i managed the same dumbass move, twice.

i'm an idiot

being laughably absent minded after work

setup: i had recently purchased a new cock ring. this is something i thought she may enjoy. to make sure it was the right size and so forth i experimented with it solo a few days before hand. all was well. size was perfect. did the job it was suppose to do. feeling confident the gf would enjoy it. fast forward to sexy time with the gf. i got my the ring out and put it on my flaccid cock. had my gf kneel in front of me for oral pleasure. things are going well and my cock is growing and the ring is starting to do it's job. my cock is getting pretty engorged at this point and my gf can't fit it in her mouth anymore. i tell her to lay down so i can fuck her. i climb on top of her and she is dripping wet. i slide my engorged cock in her and we have some pretty awesome, rough sex. she loves the way it feels and i am pleased with my purchase at this point. things are going well and i am super turned on with her reaction to my throbbing, thick cock. orgasms for both of us and i pull out and try to slide the ring off. i am still prety turned on and since the ring is doing it's job so well, it's a little difficult to slide off. eventually the ring comes off and my cock is a little sore. i pay no attention to the discomfort and lay down next to my gf for cuddles. quick nap and i wake up to a dull ache in my groin area. i look down and it looks like my cock has been beat on by mike tyson. it's bruised and looks like i may have a varicose vein now. it's not so painful as much as it aches. plus, it's ugly as fuck. gf thinks it's funny. kinda is.

left cock ring on too long, bruised cock, gf thinks it's funny

leaving my cock ring on too long