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this actually happened yesterday. i drank a healthy amount of water so naturally, i went to use the restroom. let me paint the setting for you... there are two urinals, one enclosed by a wall to the left, a small divider in the middle and one to the right. the divider goes from your torso to your hips... not the whole way to the floor. i went in to do my business and started to day dream of work tasks. as i was daydreaming i was apparently subconsciously slightly rotating my ween. our vp walked in and stood at the urinal next to me and started his business. i slightly glanced out of the corner of my eye at him to see who it was. at the exact time of glancing, i accidentally rotated the ol' snake too much to the left, missed the urinal, and soaked the floor right in front of his shoe. i was in shock of what i just did. i froze like a deer in headlights staring at the wet floor and his shoe that had a gratuitous amount of splashes on it. the half second it took me to throw my jim dog back into my pants felt like an eternity. i ran to the sinks to wash my hands and get the flip out of there before he could finish and turn around to see who just urinated on him. i assume i beat a usain bolt record in the process of leaving the restroom. i ran to a different floor, spent 5 minutes down there to make sure he would go back to his office, and i threw on a different jacket to throw him off in case he got a glimpse of me out of the corner of his eye. i avoid that man like the plague now.
i was at the urinal, our vp walked in and stood at the urinal next to me, i glanced over out of the corner of my eye and peed all over the floor right in front of his foot. splashes were made and his shoe was wet with urine.
urinating on the vice president of my company's shoe.
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so yesterday my friend graduated from college and we had a party to celebrate later that evening. friends and family attended from out of town including grandparents. overall it was pretty normal until it got late and we all started to drink. at around 4-5am in my drunkenness i thought it was a good ideas to get the bow and arrows out of my car and target shoot on the sidewalk in front of my friends house. a handful of us were out there surprisingly being pretty successful at hitting the target (random box on the side of the street with homeless stuff in it). well one of our friends decided to also give it a go and shot clear over the box stabbing grandparents lexus which was parked on the driveway right behind the box. they were only in town for the grad party and driving back home in the morning. now we're starring at a hole on the passenger door of their car and we have no idea how to fix it. [the hole](https://imgur.com/gallery/ec8p9) someone gofundme
got drunk, shot an arrow through grandparents car, no monies to fix :(
bringing a compound bow to a grad party
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so this happened about 20 minutes ago i'm literally waiting in the emergency room to see if i can save my nipple. anyways i have my nipples pierced never really had any issues with them until today i showered like always being careful not to catch the jewelry on my loofah and everything was going great until i was getting out of the shower for some reason or other i slipped and my left nipple got caught on the sliding glass door of my shower and blood started gushing everywhere i started screaming hubby had to help me get dressed while my 15 yr old daughter lectured me on why i shouldn't have gotten the piercing to begin with and hubby told me that i'm the type of person that would be on that show a 1000 ways to die. so here i am in the emergency room holding my nipple together while all these people stare at me like i'm some kind of pervert. hopefully they can save the nipple and the piercing. edit...i'm home from the hospital til that they do not suture or stitch ripped open nipples. but they treat it as a wound er gave me a tetanus shot,antibiotics and some vicodin for the pain. nurse wanted to remove the piercing herself to and refused to treat it until "the foreign object" was removed from the "wound" so i took it out and put it away she cleaned it with saline solution put some bacitracin on it and then bandaged it up like it was nothing.nothing much to her obviously. seriously though it's my freaking nipple sliced halfway through!!! so i am sitting typing this while the hubby and the 15 yr old little bitch crack jokes here's the latest one "what did the right tit say to the left one? what the fuck happened to you?" anyways as i was saying i'm home now the hubby made sure to load up on bacitracin,saline,gauze and whatever the hell us the nurse used and i put the damn "foreign object" back in because i did not spend 6 weeks saltwater treating the things 4 times a day and dealing with the pain to get rid of it so i guess that's how tifu
sliced nipple open by accident waiting in er to see what the consequences are
slicing my nipple open
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as with most of these posts, this was not today, but over last christmas break. to start, i'll give a bit of backstory as to why i was in a hotel. backstory: over christmas break, my family usually drives about 19 hours to see extended family in another state, we drive because we have two rescue dogs we don't want to put in a kennel. we usually stay in a hotel two nights on the way there. the actual story: so we were on the way back from visiting our family, this was the last time we would be staying in a hotel until we got home. we had been driving for about 10 hours at this point, and i, personally wanted to just sleep so i wouldn't be too mad when we woke up at 6:00 the next morning. we got to our rooms, my brother and i in one, my mom and dad plus the dogs in another. i get all settled in, get to bed at around 10:00. the fuck up happened later that night, when i woke up at 11:30 having to go to the bathroom. i went to bathroom, took a piss, and went to flush, however, the toilet wouldn't flush. now i'm no plumber, and in all honesty i should've just waited until the morning, but me being the person i am, i decided to try and fix it. i lift the top of the toilet up to see if anything looked wonky in there. nothing. i then proceeded to flush the toilet extra hard, as if that would do anything. now keep in mind that to this day, i still have no idea what caused this. the thing that actually goes into the wall slams into the wall, and water starts to gush out. at this point, i start freaking out. i wake up my brother, and we go and get my dad. the water is still gushing out, and it is seeping into the bedroom. my dad calls the front office, and they say the plumber isn't able to come in, but they can check us out and into a room. the fire department somehow showed up, and they were talking to my dad, saying that it wasn't stopping and was flooding lower floors. later, at around 1:00, when they finally gave us a new room, my dad told me that he was in the lobby trying to get a new room, and some lady barged into the lobby, saying she woke up to water falling on her from the room above, which i thought was kind of funny. we finally got a room at 3:00, but not before the fire chief told my dad that the whole room was flooded, and the hotel was going to need a new pipeline. also, still had to wake up at 6:00 sadly
went to bathroom at night, tried to be a hero and fix the broken toilet, ended up flooding the entire room and pretty much the whole fucking hotel somehow.
using a hotel bathroom.
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this is really a yifu, but as this incident put me straight on the express train to the border of crankytown and dead-tiredville, the write-up had to wait a day. i am visiting a friend a couple states away this weekend. on my way to see him, i thought i'd stop one state away to do a hike that partially a warmup for whenever the snow finally melts in colorado's upper reaches and mostly revenge for the time that same trail kicked my ass six years ago. i remembered part of the reason why it kicked my ass when i got to the last two miles of trail, much of which switchbacks sharply over a frickin' rockslide. i nevertheless summitted victorious and decided to celebrate by grabbing a bite at the cafe up top. on my way out, i saw a forest service info desk advertising free maps. i decided to grab a couple for my collection, but before i could do so and sneak back off, the volunteer ranger at the desk - clearly not yet jaded from a whole summer of dealing with tourists - started asking me the usual slate of questions: where was i from, how long i would be there, which route had i taken to the summit... when i told him my chosen trail and mentioned that i planned to go back the way i came, he shook his head and said, "how'd you feel about those rocks?" i shrugged. "they weren't much fun, but a lot of trails in colorado have loose rocks. i chalked it up to practice for when our summer finally arrives." he leaned over the desk and whispered, "i know a shortcut. it's technically closed off, but it's part of the old trail, so you can use it." he described how i could find it, then added, "it's *really* steep, though. the first time i did it, i took a wrong step and started falling. thought for sure i was a goner. but," he insisted, "it was *still* better than those rocks. keep an eye out for it," he commanded, then turned aside to deal with a new group before i could mumble a proper, "um, thanks?" in spite of the number of hikes i've done that have skirted ugly cliff edges, i still have a moderate case of vertigo. plus, old trail or no, forest service employees in colorado take a dim view on hikers straying off the current trail. instincts were not favoring this shortcut. still, that rockslide sucked harder than a dyson vacuum on shag carpeting. i decided that i wouldn't actively seek out the old trail, but if i happened to stumble across the top of it, i'd give it a proper assessment. my brain locked itself into autopilot so firmly that i was 4 or 5 switchbacks into the rockslide - well past the start of the shortcut - before i remembered to keep a casual lookout for it. as my motto for hikes that are not the grand canyon is "death before going back uphill," i shrugged it off and prepared to make some fancy footwork to get past a particularly jagged pile of scree. my footwork was not fancy enough. i slipped and landed hard, with my left ass cheek bearing the brunt of gravity's coldheartedness by hitting the pointiest rock in the patch and my right ring finger slamming into another with enough force that it started swelling right away. it was only after tentatively wiggling it with just a small amount of screaming that i concluded it was sprained rather than broken. the remaining 6.5 miles of hiking, 1.5 of them on those damned rocks, on my scared pissless feet were fun. the 10-mile drive to my hotel, with my left buttock mashed against the seat and the last two fingers of my right hand waving daintily from the steering wheel, were even more fun. sorry i didn't search for your shortcut to avoid having my ass kicked a second time, ranger dude.
a forest service ranger told me about a shortcut i could take to avoid a rockslide. i didn't really look for his shortcut and wound up bruising my butt cheek and spraining my finger when i fell on the rocks i could've avoided.
not following a forest service ranger's advice, earning a sprain and a bruised butt for my folly
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dear reddit, first off, i'm an alcoholic. it is what it is, i could be worse things, i could be better things. my wife believes she has my drinking "under control" (she's extremely domineering, she runs the house), because she monitors when i drink and how much i drink. she's not especially knowledgable about the technicalities of alcohol. in particular, she's not aware of the difference between diluted 50 proof $2 vodka from the gas station, and 190 proof grain alcohol. she's observed me drinking the dilluted $2 bottles of cheap vodka and the amount i drink and the effect it has on me, she's observed me drinking expensive craft beer, but i've never (and don't plan to) drink grain alcohol in front of her, or even make her aware that such a thing exists. this produces a convenient little loophole, so here's my strategy: i buy 190 proof grain alcohol in a 750ml bottle, then when she's asleep that night, i pour 500ml of it into a generic water bottle & replace it with water. this essentially drops it to about 60 proof, which i drink in front of her, then when she's not looking i take hits from the water bottle. clever, right? not today. so another fact, my wife is chinese and a very good cook. she puts at least 1 hour into every meal, 3 times a day. many ingredients, fresh vegetables, healthiest thing in my life. very picky about her ingredients though. like the "goes through green beans one by one and cuts parts off" ocd picky, and we don't get city water, we have well water (kind of stinky, not very tasty), and the water in mainland china isn't potable anyway, so she only uses bottled water when she's cooking, and chinese cooking makes frequent use of big fire, lots of oil, and high heat in a wok. i'm sure a lot of people already know where this is going, but today i was in a hurry, mixed up the bottles, and left the water bottle of everclear in the kitchen. as i was in my office, i hear screaming from the kitchen. she'd poured about a quarter of the bottle into meat and vegetables she was stir frying, and the whole entire thing exploded. her eyebrows are burned (she wasn't hurt), her hair was burned, the cabinets are ruined, the fire alarm went off, the fire department was called, and, of course, my clever hiding of alcohol in a water bottle was discovered.
blew up my wife by hiding 190 proof alcohol in a water bottle next to the wok.
hiding grain alcohol in a water bottle
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first off this actually happened today. about ten minutes ago in fact so i am typing this with one eye open and the other all fucked off. anyways to the story. i'm a prep cook in a restaurant and so part of my job is lifting various things like boxes of bacon or a 40 pound block of cheese or the occasional big ass fucking heavy trash can which i usually will ask for help lifting, but on saturday i was being quite impatient and foolish and thought "i'll lift this 120 pound huge 55 gallon trash can no problem, right." fuck was i wrong. got the can off the ground about 6 inches the first try, it slips lands on my big toe and middle finger. oh well, shit happens it just slipped out of my hands so i thought to myself "don't be a bitch that new cute waitress just saw you drop this like a punk." so of course i try again, with a little better results. i get the can up and manage to somehow balance it on my chest and the edge of the dumpster. from there i give a nice push using my chest/back and arms. here's where the fuck up starts. as i push i get an ungodly burning sensation in my chest and feel like i'm having a heart attack. then every single muscle in my back starts to burn like satan's piss. "fuck" i proclaim in the manliest girl voice maybe ever as the cute waitress comes running to help. she grabs the can and helps me dump it and get it on the ground and all is good except my chest, back, and pride. now for the real fuck up. fast forward to today and i'm sitting in my chair back still on fire and chest still feeling like i've had a heart-attack and i think to myself i've got some muscle relaxing stuff that should heal me right up. so i go to the restroom, grab my secret weapon in this war on muscle pain and do the equivalent of dropping a m.o.a.b on my chest and back. finally sweet, sweet relief. i feel i can breathe again. i can stand straight again. thank god, but wait whats this my eye itches, i must scratch it. so i do. god damn it. i do. with my spray covered hands. and then it hits me. like jack frost dipping his frozen nuts in my eye. holy fuck the pain. so yeah its kinda feeling better now but still long and short of it is, don't show off like my dumb ass. and if you do use pain pills can't get them bastards in your eye.
tried lifting too much weight pulled a muscle and got cooling spray in my eye.
getting muscle relaxing cooling spray in my eye
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so my mother uses cbd medical patches for her knees and back. she's had multiple surgeries. these patches help her more than the pain pills ever did to be honest. anyways, we were at work, we own a business together. her knees were hurting really bad and she had forgotten her pain pills; she doesn't like using the patch at work even though it doesn't get you high. i had remembered i had a patch in my car so i suggested she use it. but, i had also forgotten that this patch was a thc patch. i had purchased the wrong one about a week earlier. i went out and got it and immediately opened it; i didn't even look at the front of the package surprisingly. she put the patch on and about 30 min later she said she felt funny. she said she kept forgetting what she was doing. i looked at the package in the trash and finally found out about the patch. it was pretty funny in a way because she was making fun out of the situation instead of being mad or freaking out. but she did have to stay in the back office most of the day.
accidentally gave mom a thc patch instead of a cbd patch. accidentally got mom high.
accidentally giving my mom a thc medical patch instead of a cbd medical patch.
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obligatory "this happened a while back." about five years ago. so i was living with my sister and her husband for a few months, and when they would both go to work i would be at home with the dog. so after playing some wii golf and watching some daytime tv one afternoon, i was bored so i decided to explore the house to find some interesting shit. so i'm in the garage when i see a set of golf clubs gathering dust. i look in one of the side bags and there are some golf balls. the garage was empty so i practice some swings with the driver (not hitting anything, of course). but since i wanted to watch more tv *and* work on my (nonexistent) golf game, i moved inside the house. so i enter the house and, not wanting to hit anything, i took the putter instead. got a cup to be the "hole" and decided to go in. now i was putting right under a pretty pricey chandelier, just so you know. after knocking a few putts in, i get bored. that should have been my cue to stop. but u/kenyadigg1t had other plans. so i think to myself: "let me try some weird shots." for my first one i decide to take a huge backswing (with a solid. metal. putter) then just putt instead of following through. i take the backswing and i'm not at the top of it before *the sound broken glass makes combined with a full realization of one's stupidity.* i run out from under the falling glass, and then i see the carnage. the centerpiece chandelier is broken, a third of it missing. i run out to neighbors houses to ask if they had glue (wow) or something to help cover up my fuck-up. safe to say, my sister and brother-in-law both got home and i got into huge trouble. i didn't get the laptop i wanted that xmas, and i spent my weekends picking up dogshit in the yard for the remainder of my time there. edit: added words
played wii golf, got bored. explored house, found real golf clubs/balls. decided to putt indoors until i had better ideas, i.e. take a backswing, which broke expensive crystal chandelier. spent weekends picking up dogshit as punishment.
playing golf in the house
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so i got a new job as a qa lead at some great startup and today was my first day. because previously i have walked to work due it to being close to my residence, i decided to get a vespa scooter to commute to work (through london) instead of taking the tube. i passed my cbt and i even practiced my route to work over the weekend and was fine. today on my supposed to be first day at my new job, i'm on my vespa heading to work and i take a right turn to quickly and fall off the scooter, with the frame hitting my foot. i get taken to hospital and x-rayed and told i have two fractures in my right foot. my boss was understanding and i now have to start tomorrow and take the tube to work for at least a month or so. my friend met me where i left the scooter and walked it all the way back to my flat for me. what a great start to my new career. fml.
i fell off my vespa on my way to a new job on my very first day and broke my foot.
breaking two bones in my foot in my commute to my first day at a new job
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this fuck-up didn't happen today but 3 years ago, when i was exactly 15 years and 10 months old (this is important). note: where i live, there is a law that prohibits children/people under 16 to be outside later than 11pm if they are not accompanied by their parent/guardian. it was 11.30pm on a saturday, i was drinking in the park with my 16+ y.o. friends, and i think you can already see where this is going. now, drinking in public places is not seen negatively in my country, nor is underage drinking for that matter. the police don't care about that. but, for some reason, they really like enforcing the "no under-16 after 11pm" law. two policemen walk up to us and ask us for our ids. my friends give theirs with no problem, i say mine is still in the making (a process that takes ~1 month)(it is not). the policeman asks me for my name, surname, address and *date of birth*. i, panicked, tell him my date of birth but say 1997 instead of 1998, thinking he probably won't check it until monday. he shows me everything that he has written "is this correct?", he asks. i confirm it and walk away, very intelligently (/s) pretending to talk on the phone and look for phone service. "miss, where are you going?" i speed up my step. (???????) "miss, you have to return with me." i wait while the colleague finishes talking with the station, and finally he says. "all the information is correct, except that she's born in 1998. we have to take her to the station." i blurt out something along the lines of "what the hell?", incredulous to the fact that i am about to be arrested. "if you would have said the truth, we would have let you be, but now that the station knows that you lied and that you are outside when you shouldn't be, we have to bring you in." thankfully they didn't put handcuffs on me, but one of them walked in front of me and the other one behind me as they paraded me through the center of my city to the police station. i had to call my mom to come get me, which she reluctantly did, as i waited in an interrogation room/library type situation. a couple of months later, my mom and i had to go to a psychologist at the centre for social welfare and have a chat. this is permanently on my record and the worst part is that now every time i cross the border (which is often) and they scan my id, a mini alarm goes off and the screen turns red, so that everyone in line behind me knows i'm a criminal. **edit:** for all the people asking, i live in croatia
i lied to the police that i was 16 when i was 15 thinking they would arrest me if i told the truth; they arrested me for lying.**
thinking that policemen are all assholes
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obligatory (the last two months)ifu, since i'm an idiot. so my partner and i run a excursion business in a popular tourist spot. the tours we offer are quite costly, multi-day trips, so not something you book on a whim. typically, people book/arrange them in winter to do them in summer. so we make about half of our money in winter preparing the trips, and half in summer selling various related stuff. most of our clients come to us through our website (and various social media profiles), after which we e-mail/phone back and forth to arrange for their customised trip. so some 2 months ago, i was talking to our hosting provider, who mentioned to me that we hadn't set up our ssl certificate yet, but that it was included in the price of our hosting package. in case you don't know what an ssl certificate is, it's the "secure https " text you see in green next to the padlock in the address bar. it tells your websites' visitors you're a trustworthy site. pretty useful, if you want them to send thousands of dollars your way. google is trying to get all sites to use it, stating a better search ranking as one of the benefits. so, i figured, why not? set up the certificate on my webhost's control panel, observed the happy green padlock and went my merry way... the next few weeks, partner and i were insanely busy with various stuff preparing the upcoming season. we did notice a lack of bookings coming in, and got a bit crabby because of it. but it somehow just didn't click. ... until last sunday when we - finally - checked our visitor stats. you know what else didn't click? if you guessed "your customers, you idiot!" you win a cookie! saturday: 1 unique visitor (usually it would be about 300). the whole week: 0, 2, 3, 1, ... overall visits were down by 90%! it started right around the time i'd set up the certificate. our visitor stats looked like the white cliffs of dover. a minor heart attack later, and i've figured out i'd forgotten to add a 301 redirect. so google didn't know http://www.oursite.com and https://www.oursite.com were the same thing. we scored in the top 5 on all our relevant keywords with the old site. the "new" one came up at page 10 or so. changed the redirect, and lo and behold, we're immediately back to 200 unique visits a day. overall loss was about 5000$ compared to the same months last year. since sales were up by 20% for january, the overall loss is probably even greater. so, if you're relying on a website for your income - whether direct in indirect - remember to keep a hawk's eye on your stats, guys edit: line breaks. also, thanks for all the replies! this is incredibly therapeutic! :) edit2: rip my inbox. thanks for the upvotes, i guess. hopefully this exposure saves someone else from the same tifu. final edit: thanks to you all for giving this post some visibility to hopefully help other small businesses avoid making the same costly mistake. you've all been great, kind and helpful! i'm back to my poor abandoned main now. :) . . . ... aaand another thing: just putting this up in case someone comes across this tifu and needs advice with a similar situation: it turns out we didn't actually drop off google search results, but because of the misconfigured certificate, visitors got a warning saying the site was not secure and probably phished. so the only traffic that got through were those adventurous folks who proceeded to the site anyway.
i incorrectly configured our ssl certificate, causing us to drop from top 3 to page 10 in google searches. we lose us upwards of 5000$ in profit before i realise the fuck up.
not correctly configuring our ssl certificate and losing 5000$ in profit.
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some background info: this all took place over the course of the last school year when i was 13. i have always done well on state tests (above average) but i don't do my homework, which fucked my grade. all of my past teachers had given me some slack since they knew i knew the material and passed the tests and i always got passing grades, but this all changed when i got into middle school. since they want to prepare you for the real world and everything they don't deal with any bullshit. this is all important later in the story. the story starts at the beginning of the school year. i have always been pretty socially awkward but managed to get some friends, but we usually lost contact due to me switching to other schools for "gifted" classes. now, me being the socially awkward kid i am, i have spent most of my time on the internet for the past 5+ years. i have learned a lot about computers and that kind of thing but having a socially awkward kid with unsupervised internet access lead to some interesting things. i ended up browsing 4chan a lot and seeing scarring shit on there and have been exposed to other fucked up shit, but i have also found a lot of funny stories and greentexts. when the school year starts at my new school i am trying to make new friends and, surprise surprise, i start acting edgy to shock people. some people think it's stupid but surprisingly a fairly large amount of people enjoy it and become my friends. these kids weren't bad, they did their work and weren't edgelords like me, but they enjoyed my antics and lack of filter. eventually, i started sharing greentexts with them. they of course thought the greentexts were funny and they started sharing it with people. it didn't spread too much, but i started to get worried. this, of course, didn't stop me though. eventually i started joking that i would hack peoples wifi (they knew it was a joke). of course me being the script kiddie i am used command prompt to make people think i'm a hacker, and used a "custom proxy" to bypass the school filter. this "custom proxy" that "i made" was just some from tutorial on youtube that didn't require much knowledge. of course people thought i actually made it. not only this, but i started pick-pocketing people. i never actually stole anything, but i would see if i can take something out of their backpack or pocket or whatever without them noticing, then give it back. honestly, it's a miracle i didn't get caught for any of this. it was nearing the end of the school year and i had just purchased some liquid ass off of amazon and wanted to spray it around my school. i eventually get it and go around spraying it in the 6th, 7th, and 8th grade hallways in between periods. i'm assuming somebody saw me do it (even though they claim it was cameras) and i got caught. i got a 1 day in school suspension. since i got called out in the middle of class, everybody knew it was me. i didn't get a catchy name or anything, but i was known as the kid who gassed his school. since my grades were bad, it was likely i would fail my grade and have to go to summer school and/or retake the grade, which is my worst nightmare. less than 2 weeks after i gassed my school, my parents take me out and have me homeschooled. when i went around to get people phone numbers to stay in contact, many didn't want to give it to me since i was a "hacker". some of my closest friends gave me their number. as it turns out, my friends told their family about me. their parents have never met me, but because of something their kids told them they didn't want them around me. what they don't know is i'm not as retarded as i act. the only reason i acted like that was to be unique and get attention. it was just an act like alex jones, except i'm not retarded when out of character. now i'm homeschooled. i thought it was going to be a temporary thing to get me back on track. i'm going to be homeschooled for the rest of highschool. i lost some of my friends phone numbers on my tablet, and the 2 numbers i have left are from kids who's parents don't like me. the only way i can contact them is through this piece of shit google voice since i don't have a phone, and we barely talk anymore. the only human contact i have now is with my parents. now i just spend my time in my room playing games and shitposting on reddit. 4 more years of this. just waiting for the crippling depression to kick in. according to one of my friends people talk about me quite a bit, since i had been doing similar shit at other schools i'm kind of famous in my school district, so there's that.
acted edgy, gassed the school, got homeschooled, now i don't have any friends.
being an edgelord to make friends.
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it was very late at night after a party and i was tasked with getting the car (i'm on my p's) as my parents were slightly intoxicated. everyone was waiting outside the apartment where the evenings festivities had taken place and since there were no parks and it was so late at night, i waited in the middle of the street for everyone to get in. it was the normal goodbyes where everyone comes up to the car to say goodbye. as i was waiting for everyone to get in, i saw in the rear view mirror that cars were coming. i didn't live there so i didn't want to inconvenience anyone who was coming home. i also thought i heard three doors shut, and assumed everyone was in. as i slowly took my foot off the brake to go forward (it was an automatic) i heard screaming and people shouting stop!!!. apparently my mum wasn't all the way in the car and as i took off, she fell out of the car and the tire rolled over her foot. i then had to reverse over my own mums foot to get her out from underneath. most of the visible damage was some scraping and bruising but we were worried there could be crush damage. we then left for home to assess the damage before deciding to go to hospital or not (both of my parents are in medical professions). when we got home, not two minutes afterwards an ambulance had arrived after getting a call from bystanders on the street. they checked her foot and if an inch more was under the tire and she would have had serious injuries but managed to come away from that experience with minor bruises and scrapes. after the ambulance had left the police came after some 'drugged up' onlookers blew the story out of proportion (i live near a bad neighbourhood). they came to make sure there was no foul play involved. however, everyone was really nice and non-accusative to me despite me feeling the full guilt. and here i am writing this the next night, the only one feeling bad. everyone else, including mum, finds it funny and laughs about it. maybe that will be me soon.
i was impatient, ran over mums foot, ambulance called, police called, everything fine, still feel guilty.
running over my mother (sort of)
115
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first of all, i'd like to assure you that i'm actually smart. i'm a physics student so i generally understand how things work. but sometimes my mind just goes blank and that's what happened here. now to the fuck-up itself. this weekend i had to go to another town. i was staying in the apartment of some acquaintance of my mother's. when i got there in the evening i decided to heat up some food i've brought. i must say that i do have some experience with gas stoves, but they didn't have protective glass covers. so when i saw this glass covering the burners my first thought was that it's supposed to protect the flames from being extinguished by boiling water or something. edit: this cover is apparently supposed to protect the wall behind the stove, not the stove itself. thinking that, i turned the stove on, put the cover back down and put a pan on it. a minute or so later i noticed the flame behaving strangely: it was sort of trying to get from under the cover (what a surprise!) and glowing more orange than blue. i decided to turn it down a bit but accidentally turned off altogether. then i turned it on again, put everything in place and left the kitchen to wash my hands. just when i was coming back i heard a loud bang. of course the glass cover exploded from the pressure underneath it. i saw my pan sitting directly on the burner, some glass shards burning around it, and glass all around the kitchen. in the sink, on the stove, on the floor, in the pan that already had my soup in it. to make the matters worse, i've never been in this apartment before and had no idea where to find a broom. so i collected all the glass with my hands and a sponge, still being in a shock. the owner of the apartment is apparently out of country so she doesn't know yet. but i doubt that the consequences will be much scarier than that bang.
tried to use someone else's gas stove with the wall protecting cover down and was very surprised when it exploded.
forgetting how gas stoves work
19
4
0.87
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my wife has always wanted a bloodhound and i found a breeder a few hours away. i contacted her, had some fantastic conversations from the day their dog conceived, throughout the pregnancy and to the day the pups were born. i told her i wanted a boy and my wife and i started planning on a kennel and how we would introduce him to the dogs and cats we already have. we even named him! my wife kept saying "if we get the puppy..." and i told her that we would absolutely get the puppy.. they knew how much we wanted it... the breeder was almost a friend of the family at this point for crying out loud! yesterday i got a text saying that she hasn't recieved the deposit and if we still wanted a puppy. i had just woken up after fighting a migraine all day and was barely coherent but told her absolutely we wanted the dog and i would transfer the money. this morning e-transfered the deposit at 10am. a half hour ago (just before midnight) i was informed that i could cancel the transfer because she placed the last dog at 830am. i'm out of town, so not only am i going to have to tell my wife that we lost her puppy, but i'm going to have to do it over the phone since i won't be home till thursday or friday. i can't even hug her when she starts to cry...
why the fuck isn't rule 11 listed on the rules sticky? oh, and the tl/dr is that tifu by not paying a deposit quickly enough to get a puppy and now my wife is going to cry
not paying a deposit quickly enough
162
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0.92
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this didnt actually happen today but about 2 weeks ago. in french class we were doing a movie project, and one day during it i had finished translating my lines from english to french, so i asked my french teacher if i could go to the stairwell to record the opening narration for the movie. being the amazing lazy teacher he is he said sure. my school is set up line a big square with class rooms on the inside and outside, and the stairwells are in separate rooms connecting the 2 floors, and ha e the doors that we all enter through in the morning, so they are cut off from the rest of the building. there are no speakers for announcements in them, and it's hard to hear over the hum of the air conditioners. i avoided the air conditioner noise by having the gain way down on my microphone. so i leave the classroom to go to the stairwell, and sit down on the floor, get my laptop set up with the microphone, and lastly but in my super good noise cancelling ear buds and start recording. i'm recording for probably 15 minutes. during the time i heard something over the intercom, but couldn't understand it so disregarded it. i pack up my stuff and walk back up the stairs to my classroom. something didn't feel right the school was very quiet, no one in the hallways, and as i walked past the other classrooms the lights were off, and doors shut, no one to be seen. i got to my classroom and same thing. i tried to wiggle the doorknob, and knock on the door, but no one answered. this school had tons of people in it 10 minutes ago. i had no idea what was going on so i figure the thing i heard on the intercom was probably some sort of assembly, but i'd don't see anyone pass through the stairwell i was in so it made little sense, but nonetheless i out down my laptop outside the classroom, and started to walk down the hall to the auditorium for what i thought was an assembly. then i see my school police officer walking the hallway he looks at me and says "what the he'll are doing out here?!" he says i should be dead. i explain to him that i have no fucking clue what is going on and he says the school is in a lockdown drill and i'm like "oh shit, sorry". he looks at me like i'm an idiot, i try to explain to him that i could hear nothing. after a minute he goes and let's me into my classroom, i walk in laughing as my whole class is huddled in the corner of the room in darkness. i tell then i had no fucking clue what was going on. so i sit down and join them. after the school called the drill over the whole class joked i should have been dead, the other groups out filming had made it back, because they could hear, and my teacher the whole time i was gone was praying for me come back so he wouldn't get in trouble. he also says when i was banging and jiggling the door handle it was the exact thing they weren't supposed to answer, so i was the intruder to them.
i go to my schools stairwell to record audio, can't hear a thing, school goes into lockdown, and i make way to the classroom without a clue what is going on and try to jiggle the door, the class thinks i'm the intruder. the school police officer yells at me.
being a threat to my school.
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disclaimer: this actually happened a few weeks ago, but i have finally found the time to write it down now. also, towards the end, things get a bit bloody, so be forewarned. i am currently attending college in my freshman year. most of the year went by well, until a few weeks ago. my college, like many others, has a large network of steam tunnels that run underneath the campus. i, being the curious young student that i am, have desired to explore them since i found out that they existed. to make things even more interesting, there is a certain room in the basement of our dorm hall that connects directly to the tunnel system. usually, that door is locked (for good reason). one night, however, that door was unlocked. the long awaited day had come. i eagerly grabbed a backpack with water, a notebook and sharpie, duct tape, and 3 flashlights, and set out on my expedition through the tunnels. i had an excellent time exploring them and mapping them out on my notebook. i was so excited that i told my roommates and friends all about it, and they were curious enough to ask me to lead them through the tunnels the next night. a bit of background here - i am that one weird kid who unicycles to class and doesn't really participate in "typical college activities". so when, for once, i was put in charge of leading people, i was ecstatic. when the next day came, the day before my birthday, i was all prepared. i had my boots and work gloves on. at about 10:00 pm, i went with 6 of my friends to go into the tunnels. however, the door i had used the night before was locked. i was prepared for that. the previous night i had discovered a different entrance, a metal grate in the sidewalk just a little ways outside of my dorm. the plan was for me to climb through the tunnels from there and let everyone else in through the door. so, i walked over to the grate with my roommate and our friend. the three of us pulled up this 200 pound grate to a position that was propped open (so i thought), and i dropped into the tunnel. it was about 5 feet tall, so my head was still sticking slightly up out. then, all of a sudden - impact. something huge hit me on the head. i saw literal stars and static. i sort of remember using my adrenaline fueled strength to push up the grate, and climb out, but i can't say for sure exactly what happened. next thing i know, about 20 seconds later, i was kneeling on the grass a few feet over to the side of the grate. i reached up to feel my forehead, and felt a massive gash, and a literal constant stream of blood pouring out of my head. i also felt a massive ridges that had popped up on sides of my forehead. my first words, other than screaming, were "call 911!". apparently i was in bad enough condition that my friends were a scary level of calm, and immediately did, and had me crawl up about 50 feet to the side of the road, all while screaming "help!" at the top of my lungs. a small crowd had begun to gather, and one good samaritan ran to my side and comforted me, and began directing people to run and get paper towels and gauze. i vaguely remember repeatedly crying and cursing under my breath (which is significant, as i don't typically swear). the bleeding had slowed down after a few minutes, which is when the police officers and ambulance arrived. they immediately immobilized me and put me in a neck brace, as they couldn't guarantee i hadn't broken my neck. i was loaded onto a stretcher and taken into the ambulance. at this point, i could feel very large bumps on the back of my head and huge ridges on either side of my forehead. i later found out the emts could actually see straight to my skull (fun stuff, right!). i was panicking and remaining aware and collected at the same time, in a way only i can. at this time, the emts were trying to determine whether to take me to the local hospital or the more medically advanced hospital farther away. one of them walked over to the grate to see exactly what had happened, and when he lifted it up, he decided i should be taken to the more advanced hospital 25 minutes away. on the ride to the hospital, the pain the was so bad that i was on the verge of passing out. the emt reminded me i had to stay awake, as falling asleep with a concussion was very bad. i remember asking the medic if he had to do a sternum rub if i fell asleep, and he chuckled and replied "well, that's one of my options". after an agonizing 25 minutes, we finally arrived, and i was wheeled into the hospital, where they staunched the blood flow and took a quick ct scan of my head while trying to start up ivs in my arms. because my veins roll, it took them 7 tries in my right arm and 5 in my left before they finally got a solid iv established. i also received a tetanus shot because of the rust on the grate. when the ct scan result came in - fractured skull and bleeding in the brain, they decided to call a helicopter and airlift me to the university hospital an hour south. it was right when the helicopter lifted off that two very important things happened. first, i turned a year older. secondly (and more relevant at the time), the morphine kicked in. my pain level went from a 9.9/10 to a solid 2/10, and i felt all warm and tingly. i don't remember much of the helicopter ride, but when we landed at the second hospital, i was feeling a lot better. i was moved into the intensive care unit (icu), and things calmed down a bit. they took me in for a second ct scan, gave me seventeen stitches (that was quite the ordeal), and kept me overnight. the next morning, i was released from the hospital, and spent the next week at home. the massive forehead scar is going nowhere soon, but i'm okay with that. it serves as a reminder not to do stupid things. i have made many mistakes in my life, but that was probably the biggest tifu moment i've had. i've had so many requests for pictures; i've included a link here: http://imgur.com/zysy8uv
i was climbing into a steam tunnel at college and the 200 pound cover fell on my head. i get transferred to two different hospitals, one of them by helicopter, (at the exact time i turned a year older), and ended up with a broken skull, seventeen stitches, and a massive forehead scar.
dropping a 200 pound metal grate on my head and getting medical airlifted (on my birthday)
17
3
0.8
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happened about week ago. essentially a buddy and i were biking on our normal route, the usual. i dunno why but we had a little race of sorts to one of our stopping points (where we rest, drink water and stuff). so of course, he beats me to the spot. now, seeing this, i decided to yell "pancake" as kind of a warning cry, you know, to try to scare him or something. however it didn't work out in my favour. since i was distracted by yelling pancake, i didn't notice until too late that i was going right into his shoulder. nose first, hit pretty hard, hurt a lot. essentially i just nose-butted him. we laugh a bit, but then i realise that my nose hurts like hell. so i mention that i may have just broken my nose, buddy doesn't believe me, he just laughs at it all. suddenly my nose starts bleeding pretty hard, and it still hurt like hell. i just stood there not knowing what to do since my hands were covered in blood and my buddy was just laughing his ass off. we ended up having to walk our bikes the rest of the way, which was not fun since my hands were all covered in blood. got a few weird looks too. so yeah, fucked up my nose a bit. 4/10 would not do it again.
screamed pancake, got distracted by screaming pancake, nose-butted my friend's shoulder, fucked up my nose.
yelling pancake while on a bike
69
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0.97
69
so some jerk at work cleared their raw mince beef cookery scraps away by forcing them down the kitchen sink’s plug hole. fast forward 2 days and the meat is now stinking out the kitchen and the sink is not draining. there being no plunger to hand, i poked a straightened clothes hanger through the clogged plug hole which eventually allowed the water to flow (but the meat tangle remained- stench now increasing). quite the quandary! always one to think outside of the box, i had one of my brightest flashes of brilliance. grabbing the kitchen fire extinguisher (carbon dioxide), i formed a tight seal over the plug hole and gave one good pump. a high powered jet of co2 gas to the rescue! instant success - meat obstruction promptly clears the plug hole - some down the pipe but a remarkable portion exits via the overflow drain and sprays me face to waist with lumps of rancid meat.
buy a plunger
cleverly treating myself to a putrid meat shower
96
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0.81
96
this happened yesterday, but i didn't realize the consequences until today. i had to drive 6 hours by myself to pick up my sister. when i got to her house, she wanted to send my mom a picture showing us together (it had been awhile since i had seen my sister). i wanted to look nice in the pictures, because my mom would likely use it in the christmas card this year and because i'm a little vain. i didn't have any lipstick, but i did have cheetos flamin' hot crunchy snacks from the gas station. i proceeded to put the powder on my lips. the pictures turned out quite nice, and it looks like i have a subtle red lipstick on. flash forward to today. i woke up this morning to my lips burning! they are even more red than yesterday and now have blisters. i guess the flamin' hot part burned my lips. it now hurts to smile.
my vanity (and flamin' hot cheetos) made me get a 2nd degree burn on my lips.
trying to look nice in a family picture.
30
26
0.83
30
please don't make the same mistakes. my background: first of all i'm a 19 year old in my last year of high school, i live in croatia in a lower class family. both of my parents are unemployed and haven't worked in years. my mother has severe mental illnesses and my dad is a physical invalid, they are also very old (56,58). i have 2 sisters as well, all 5 of us live together on a minimal income. we also have a cat that means the world to us. 2 months before summer my grandma bought me a bicycle with the money she saved. i rode it almost every day. when summer came i started working in my local mcdonalds so i didn't have free time to ride it as often. at the end of july at around 2am when i was coming back from work(i worked till 1am), i looked left of my apartment door into the stairwell where i would chain my bike only to see it missing. the only thing i found was my bike chain cut in half and a leftover cigarette in some ash. i was devastated. i reported it to the police a few days after and i haven't heared from them since. i saved up most of my money so i could spend it throughout the school year on clothes and food. also every month i give my dad some money to help pay the bills. i spent some of the money on a pair of shoes, some t-shirts, a new schoolbag and stuff like that. yesterday i had 3000kuna (470$) on my bank account, today i have 0. here is where my nightmare begins: i have been searching for ways to earn some money online and in the end i decided to give binary options a try...oh boy.. i decided to use a trading broker (don't let the name fool you this is pure gambling) called iq options. i choose it cause it has a low deposit rate of 10$ and is mobile friendly. my laptop isn't working at the moment so yesterday i deposited 30$ to my account with the help of my sisters phone. i did a couple of small 'trades' (bets) and went to bed. this morning before school i lost the money and like an idiot deposited 100$ more in a desperate attempt to win the money back. while i was in school i managed to clim up to 145$ and withdrew 100$ back to my credit card. when i got home i immediately started trading for about an hour and as a result my lunch got cold. after lots of ups and downs and an incredible winning streak (i believe this was rigged) i got to ~300$ from 45$. i was winning almost every single trade. then i come crashing down like an avalanche. i lost everything. i was determine, if i could do it once, i could do it again. oh man was i wrong. like a drug addict i started depositing more and more money and loosing one deposit after another. i couldn't win a single trade, when moments earlier i was like a wizard. i strongly believe this 'trading' is rigged like any other form of gambling if not even more so, due to the fact it's all online and virtual. i got soo stressed i ended up frantically masturbating in my bathroom and in the middle of loosing trades to relieve this enormous stress. i was shaking, my heart pounding and i felt a dult pain in my gut. i have haven't felt thia suicidal in quite some time. i emptied my entire back account, 470$ dollars lost. i still haven't told my family, i feel like my hear is gonna explode. when i start coming up with ways to explain i get the pain in my gut again and i want to escape. every thought ends up with 'why don't i just jump off my 5th story balcony'. i can't take this shit anymore. i haven't felt this tressed in many years. i'm gonna have to beg my grandma for money so i can buy food in school. do you guys have any advice ?? please stay away from any form of gambling, it can and will ruin your life. i
gambled away all my saving i made this summer. money i should be spending on clothes and food.
gambling away all my money
4,713
383
0.93
4,713
tl;dr at bottom. so, this happened when i was in middle school. our school had a ski club, where we would take buses out to our local ski resort and do some downhill skiing. this was by far the most favorite activity in the winter, and about half the school would go to each event. we would always look foward to friday as the day we would be able to go to ski club with our friends. every time i went, i ensured i got the most bang for my buck. that meant riding the slopes from when we got there at 6 to when we left at 9. i was pretty fast at changing out of my rental boots, so i waited until the last minute to go and get off the slopes. however, when i arrived at my locker, i couldn't find my key. i had already turned in my shoes, so i was stuck until i could get it unlocked. i asked the front desk to help me unlock it, so they went in the back to get their spare key. by this time, one of the chaperones had already come back to assist me. however, per school policy, they couldn't let any of the buses leave without me. when the person from the front desk finally came back, it had already been an hour and a half since the buses were suppose to leave. instead of opening my locker, the employee regretfully informed us that the only key they owned had gone home with the manager for the night. the manager's house happened to be 30 minutes away. after trying to call him for another half an hour, they gave up and decided to drive over to his house. an hour later, a bearded man in his pajamas walked over, opened the locker, and walked out. by the time the buses finally left, it had been three hours. we still had an hour drive home. when we got back to the school, it was almost 1am. the principal and vice principal were both waiting outside. all of the chaperones were called over, and a heated argument ensued. the final decision was that one of my teachers was to be put on probation, and that ski club was cancelled for the rest of the season for a review of if it was considered a beneficial club for the school. when next friday came, the only person the school had to blame was me. the next day, i felt something in my pocket. i reached in and pulled out an orange locker key. edit: i can personally verify that u/gazelle_legs was on the buses as well. i've just uncovered a large pile of shit for myself that i had buried for years. what a small, cruel world.
i made half my school wait on hot, cramped buses for over 3 hours because i lost the key to my locker at a ski resort, ended up finding it in my pocket the next day. got the school to cancel the club for the rest of the season and almost got one of my teachers fired.
making half my school wait on hot, crowded buses for over 3 hours
3,931
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0.93
3,931
so, i like to think of myself as a funny guy. i'm sure the majority of the people i've met would completely disagree, but i deserve gold stars for my persistence if nothing else. besides, haters gonna hate. and just as those haters will hate, so too will airport security take any half-arsed terrorism jokes extremely seriously. for the past few days, i've been on a lovely business trip and part of the trip involved orchestrating a photoshoot. that meant that i had all my camera equipment with me, which i'd packaged away into a travel case and checked in as hold luggage today as i prepared to catch my flight back. as i was going through the usual border checks, i had a member of airport staff who seemed like a bit of a joker. when i asked if i needed to remove my shoes before going through the scanner (as i've yet to experience any airport that consistently asks either way), the member of staff joked saying "no, you can leave them on. i already know you're a terrorist anyway". i was temporarily stunned by the joke, but, being a scrawny, nerdy white male and not really the prime candidate for any terror organisation, i returned the joke - saying "aww damn, you got me. lucky i already checked in my hold luggage, eh?" now, at 24 i should really know better. but i really don't. and i really shouldn't have returned the joke. this comment was overheard by airport security, who took me to the side and started asking questions and asking for my boarding pass, as well as my baggage claim receipt. they then took me into a side room. this was particularly awkward as i wasn't allowed time to put my previously removed belongings on, and i really quite needed that belt. so i had to scurry along, security in tow, while holding up my trousers to prevent adding indecent exposure to the list of offences. in this room, they asked about the exchange, where i was going, where i came from, etc. they also removed my hold luggage from the flight, believing it to contain explosives or the like. at this time, i didn't believe there to be too much danger. it was a joke that i reciprocated, so once they've assessed the luggage i should be fine, right? well, apparently the reflectors i'd brought to the photoshoot didn't show up too well in the scanner. apparently, the staff scanning the case believed it to be some sort of wire-based contraption. oh boy, i thought. that damn joker member of staff really screwed me on this one. there was a lot of back and forth and explaining and, to streamline the event, i eventually explained to them that i was doing a photoshoot and that was a reflector. i showed them the camera in my carry-on luggage and also the shoot plan i had made. eventually, they let me go... after my planned flight, and thus my colleagues, had departed. so i've had to purchase another flight pass - at my expense - and am now going through this process again. except this time, i'm not going to joke about terrorism - though i might headbutt that scanner guy if i'm allocated to that bay again.
airport staff made a terrorist joke at me, i returned the joke and now i've missed my flight and am out of pocket and patience**
with airport security
77
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so my older brother was turning 21 two years ago, and i thought it'd be a really nice surprise to buy him a ticket to japan as a present as we hadn't really gone overseas or had an amazing trip to anywhere in the world so i thought it'd be such an amazing experience for him and so i went to our local flight centre to book the flight. i purchase it for him to leave around december for around two weeks, it costed around $1,100 and i decided to buy travel insurance just in case for another ~$100. it did cost quite a bit however it was something i wanted to do because it was something we never got to experience before. my family was telling me no, it was to expensive and i shouldn't have bought it but i let them know it was okay, his flight is in a few months he'll be able to save up for it by then. fast forward to today, i just got a call from the flight centre saying that he hadn't showed up for his flight and that it may now be non refundable. as well as that, i had to rebook his flight for the following year last year as he wouldn't be able to make it, which was fine but it did cost another 400. so all in all, i fu by trying to do something special for my older brother but ended up possibly $1,600 out of pocket. i still love him though. just wish he would've atleast cancelled or something so atleast we could've gotten something back. thanks for reading going to go cry in a corner now edit: sorry my maths, 1.2 + 4 = 1.6 not 1.4. edit: thank you for your kind comments everyone i really appreciate it :-) edit: virtual japan tickets for everyone!
wanted to do something special for older brother by purchasing a plane ticket to japan, only to have it changed and no showed and leaving a hole out of my pocket.
buying my older brother a ticket to japan
22
22
0.7
22
actually (as usual) this didn’t happen today but about a year ago when csgo gambling was still a big of a thing... so let’s go. i was casually gambling on a common csgo gambling site. i deposited some skins and they just wouldn’t show up in my inventory on that site... so i typed in the chat that there’s a problem with my deposit. a few minutes later a „moderator“ of that gambling site texted me that he would look into my issue... while looking into the issue the system of said site offered me a refund... so far so good usually a normal person would just accept the refund offer and go home... well that’s where the tifu part actually starts. the mod asked me to add him on skype so we could talk, i called him we talked (as much as i could express myself with my limited capabilities in english as i’m not a native english speaker), i told him that i already received my items back and that everything is fine now... then he told me that he had to exchange the items because they were compromised and gliched out (those were around $50-60 in value). for a moment i thought that this is quite weird and doesn’t sound legit at all but hey as the stupid a** that i am i thought ok let’s do it... we did the trade and after a few minutes he meant that there aren’t any items like mine in the inventory of the bots and that the only way i could recover my value of skins was to give him some of my other skins and he would change the odds of the homepage in a way that i would win a really valuable knife in the next game with a 100% certainty... sounds ridiculous right? right! but as naive as i was i agreed and went on with the trade... he seemed to actually do something as we had a longer talk. the talk actually was quite nice... ok he made fun of my broken english.. anyways he seemed quite trustworthy... somehow... sometimes and the uncertainty in my voice (i was f*cking scared and pretty much knew that i would never see my stuff again) but hey my only option was to wait and see what happens... well any rational mind knows what happened and so it did... after about half an hour of talking one of his buddies joined the conversation and they both yelled: „scammed!!“ and they hung of... as i said this happened a year ago and i now have some new skins i really but still this shouldn’t have happened... beware of bastards and your own stupidity xd
dumb me gave all his valuable csgo skins to some random person on the internet after a system failure on a gambling site and lost all of them... $300 in the sink!
getting scammed for nearly 300$ of cs:go skins...
5,222
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yup, i'm back. same dude that posted last week after taking a double dose of laxatives the day before a concert after being super constipated, and regretted it the next day. well, first off, i'm still taking the laxatives (at the doctor's order), but they've stopped working. i have been able to shit a little bit, but not as much as i am consuming. and i don't think i was ever totally cleared out in the first place, but whatever. that's aside the point. anyway, i started taking the laxatives last wednesday. up until saturday, i was doing alright(ish) emotionally. then, i tanked. sunday i woke up and started crying and was basically a hot mess the entire day. i hate crying so i thought that was weird, but it was uncontrollable. then, monday i felt even worse. i couldn't think, i was so angry for no good reason that i was literally shaking, i almost cried during lunch and could barely eat and then did shed tears later on in the bathroom stall, and i was fighting so hard just to keep my breathing even. i felt terrible, it was like a feeling of panic that wouldn't fucking end. i almost cried on the way to school that morning (once again, for no apparent reason) and finally went down to the nurse's office where i burst into tears and spent 20 minutes just crying and shaking. i was sent home early because it was obvious i couldn't go back to class. i went home and cried on and off the rest of the day. normally i am very composed, but i had no control. i ended up thinking "well, maybe if i just killed myself my parents wouldn't have to deal with my pathetic ass anymore" and began thinking that maybe i would be better off dead. i started thinking "i'll probably be miserable my whole life anyway, so maybe i should just do it sooner rather than later?" a bit of background: i have bipolar and was hospitalized 2 years ago after almost killing myself. after that i got on medication and stabilized and haven't had any major mental issues since. i was on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer combination that worked great for me. however, both medications are not like ssris that build up in your system, they react pretty quickly. i thought "huh, i haven't felt this shitty since i was in the hospital two years ago." then it hit me. i had just started taking a laxative, and the gi never really gave instructions for when to take it. a quick google showed that you are never supposed to take it with other medications because it may cause them to not be absorbed. i had been taking the laxative literally in the same swallow as my other meds. i wasn't absorbing them anymore! i called my psychiatrist asking if that could happen and she said yes, the laxatives can cancel out my meds. now i still am back to being constipated and the laxative is still fucking with my mood. i haven't been to a full day of school yet this week and i almost cried again today during school. bipolar is no joke. i don't know how i'm going to handle the gi issues and mental health issues at the same time. the one positive part of this experience is that it has made me realize that unmedicated, i would literally have been dead by now. it's wild how four days of not absorbing medication can be enough to make me think the world would be better off without me. brains are weird. quick note: after realizing the cause, i came to my senses and realized hurting myself wouldn't help. so i'm safe now. i may not be feeling great but i'm not in any danger. edit: hey everyone!! i really appreciate all the advice and support i'm getting. i read every comment and i've gotten a ton of good suggestions that i'm going to look into. i realized i didn't elaborate much on the context for why i'm needing laxatives. basically, i first started having gi problems a year ago but it was just diarrhea and stomach pain at the time. i got bloodwork done and it showed i had high inflammation levels and the bloodwork tested positive for celiac disease. however, my upper endoscopy did not show the damage that you would normally see with celiac, but because it affects the small intestine in patches my gi said it was *most likely* celiac, and had me go gluten free. at first my stomach was as bad as ever before, but then it seemed to get better. however, suddenly in the last three weeks or so i started getting discomfort after eating, nausea, and alternating really bad diarrhea and not being able to poop for days. it was really affecting my ability to enjoy myself and my concentration at school, because at some point i started losing weight unintentionally despite eating whatever i want. (i've now lost a little over 9 lbs.) it was only after i lost all sensation of needing to pee that i headed into the gi. (i hate going to doctors so i tend to push it off as long as i can.) the gi said that there was a chance i was really constipated and the diarrhea was "overflow", which is why it was causing cramps and hard to pass because it had to go around a giant plug of poop. i had an x ray done that showed i was super clogged up at around this time last week. i was prescribed laxatives and was able to go at first, but now have only been able to pass little pellets and what looks like frothy pale liquid (mucus?) with it. i used to eat a ton of fiber but i realized it seemed to be making my stomach worse, and actually i was trying to eat a ton of fiber at the time i suddenly stopped being able to go much at all (and apparently i was already really constipated.) i realized, huh, i get so bloated i look pregnant after eating anything high in fiber and feel terrible, and it seems to make it even harder to go. the gi said i might have crohns or a similar autoimmune disorder. we don't know and i'm going to have to get more testing done. anyway, if i have a blockage due to inflammation in my intestines eating a ton of fiber could be really bad, and i wish i hadn't tried taking fiber supplements two weeks ago. (sigh.) so at the moment i'm trying to eat foods that are easy on my stomach. yesterday i had a banana with breakfast and felt bad all morning. :/ it sucks because i don't know what to eat. anyway, that's the context for the gi issues i'm having, so i'm trying to tread lightly with what i eat. i really appreciate each and every comment offering input and i am going to look more into all of your suggestions. gotta love reddit. :)
couldn't shit, so i took laxatives to make me shit. now i can't shit and can't handle emotions whatsoever. please be careful taking laxatives if you take other medications so you don't accidentally end up suicidal.
thinking my laxatives weren't strong enough part 2: i accidentally became suicidal.
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this has only recently occurred to me as a memory of a deed done as a child, that i could only describe as the most horrible thing i'd ever done. we were living in london at the time, and being part of a large family, we had certain chores we did on a rotation. one night, after a sumptuous feast of my mothers arroz con pollo, i had the daunting task of cleaning the huge mountain of dishes, and the gigantic cast iron pan she cooked it in. those days, we didn't have a dishwasher (this was in the 1970's), so i had to do it all by hand. i did the dishes first, then the cutting boards, and other stuff, keeping that monster pan to the last. now the pan had some food stuck on the bottom (mostly overcooked rice), so i had let it soak in a solution of dish soap and comet. after finally running out of other things to clean, i attacked the cast iron pan with comet and a wire scouring pad, and got that stuck food off, along with a chunk of black gunk, rough on one side, smooth on the other, that came off with it. oh, i thought in my foolish young mind, i guess i need to get this all off- and an hour later, the pan was shiny and clean as new. now, unless you are a cook or know about cooking, you may not realize the gravity of my sin. you see, that cast iron pan had generations of cooking baked into it. you never use soap on one, or scrub with caustic agents like comet. i had destroyed a family heirloom in my eagerness to be a good son and do a great job on my chores. funny thing, is that i only recall this now in retrospect, and don't remember anyone making a fuss at me at the time. not sure if my mom and dad realized what i did and chose to ignore it, or simply didn't know.
scrubbed a cast iron pot way too hard, and destroyed a family heirloom in the process.
being a bit too enthusiastic about scrubbing the pots and pans
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(oblig: didn’t happen today, but last weekend) let me first set the scene here, these are mostly relevant details, i promise. last saturday my two roommates and i hosted a friends thanksgiving, or “friendsgiving” at our house. it was pretty fun, we drank beer, played games, ate hella food and bullshitted (bullshat?) with a bunch of old friends who we hadn’t seen in too long of a time. mostly everyone left at around 7:30 to go home and get back to their respective colleges across the state, leaving myself, my roommate who i will refer to as “~raúl,” my other roommate “~mcsheamus” and his girlfriend “~hank.” we all sat in the living room and chilled while raúl played skyrim on my xbox and mcsheamus and hank watched f1 racing. at about 9:30, mcsheamus and hank went upstairs to do the no-pants-mattress-dance leaving raúl and i the only ones still up. raúl headed upstairs to bed at 11:15, leaving me the only one downstairs. during that time, i had been scrolling through reddit (shoutout to reddit for being interesting and shit) on the r/nosleep subreddit reading those stories from that park ranger with the stairs in the woods, and it did me a thorough spook. fun fact: i am not a big fan of horror. i find it very captivating, however i do not handle it well and am spooked easily. on top of that, having a very active imagination makes me see shit in my room at night that i shouldn’t be seeing. anyway, it was 11:30 and my usual nightmare deterrent after seeing some spoopy shiznit is watching mindless comedy. i turned on south park, telling myself that i’d just watch one episode, and i’ll be good to fall asleep and finally get some rest before the concert we were all going to the next day. this did not go as planned. halfway through the episode, raúl’s coworker ~jennifer walks through the front door. apparently raúl forgot to tell her that the party had ended a while ago, so she came expecting there to be people still there only to find some loser on the couch watching south park by himself. i’m sure her disappointment was immeasurable and her day was ruined. anyway, i realized that i’d be hella lame if i just stayed up for 15 minutes with her and then crashed so i knew i had to keep the party going. she saw me watching south park and said “really? you’re watching that show??” in my mind i was like “oh man, she’s hardcore judging me right now” so i replied “nah, it’s whatever i don’t even know why i watch this show, i don’t even watch it that much” (i definitely watch it that much). the episode ended so i told her i’d change it, and asked her what she wanted to watch. “comedy, i assume?” i said. “yeah, that or horror would be fine” she replied. we looked through both hulu and netflix to find a comedy, but nothing popped out so i reluctantly went to horror because i ain’t a wuss, i need to impress this girl. the very first horror movie that popped up was the original saw movie, and i said that i’d never seen it, and she said she’d never seen it either. alright, saw it is. as the movie was starting, she pulled out some “dank herb” and asked if i wanted to get high. i’ve smoked several times before, this wasn’t a first time or anything so i told her “hell to the yes i’m down to get jiggy with that jazz cabbage, ya dig?” (or something like that, i may have paraphrased a bit). at that point, mcsheamus’ girlfriend hank came downstairs and saw that we were engaging in two of her favorite activities, horror movies and dank herb so she asked if she could join us. the movie played and i got high as shit. you know when you get super high and the room and air around you just starts pulsing and you can feel it and it’s super cool? maybe that’s just a me thing but i was indeed, quote: “high as shit.” now one teensy detail i had not been aware of is that saw is gory as fuck. that shit would’ve terrified me sober, and in this instance of me being quote: “high as shit,” saw was a nightmare i couldn’t wrench my gaze from. it amazed me that something this messed up could come from the mind of another human being, with reference to both the jigsaw character in the movie, and the actual person who wrote this twisted shit. the movie ended and we all just kind of stared at the credits, and then slowly looked at each other. “that shit was twisted” i said, “like i didn’t know what the word twisted meant until i saw this movie, that was twisted as fuck.” at that moment, i realized i had to pee so i stood up from the couch rather quickly. as soon as i was on my feet i realized something was wrong. i was thinking about the movie and how messed up it was, not to mention still high as shit. those two factors mixed with me standing up from the couch too fast was a recipe for disaster. i started salivating, like, a lot and i knew i was going to throw up. i speed walked to the bathroom, still trying to appear chill in front of the ladies, and covered my mouth as soon as i was out of sight. the bathroom was only 20 feet away but it felt like a mile. i opened the door, turned the light on and before i could even step foot onto the tile, boom! projectile vomit all over the floor (and a lovely streak down the wall). my hand was still over my mouth at that point so everything just sprayed through my fingers. (lovely.) i closed the door behind me and locked it and turned around and immediately went for round two all over the floor and my clothes. i just sat there for a bit looking at the disaster area i had just created and let out a long sigh before stripping down to nothing and tossing my clothes in the one corner of the room left unscathed. this was the highest quantity of vomit that has ever left my body in my entire life. if you remember, earlier that day was friendsgiving so all the food i ate that day now sat on the floor in front of me. there was fucking macaroni everywhere (pasta salad was my dish, heyyyyy represent). i knew i could’ve been a dick and just passed out then and dealt with my shame in the morning but no one deserved to see what it looked like in there. i stayed up until 5 in the morning cleaning up like a champ until that bathroom was spotless. apparently i did so good of a job cleaning up that raúl and mcsheamus didn’t even know what had happened until i told them the next day. don’t mix horror movies and drugs (and standing up too quickly?) especially if gory movies make you nauseous while sober. ~obviously not their real names, probably unnecessary but making up names is fun
i got high while watching saw, got spooked and blew chunks all over the bathroom floor
watching a horror movie on drugs.
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obligatory, was not today but summer of 2015. i had a [g-tube](https://www.google.com/search?q=g+tube&rlz=1c5chfa_enus707us707&oq=g+tube&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i60l3j0l2.794j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=utf-8) in my stomach because i dealt with dysphasia and couldn't eat by mouth. i had been online looking for cheap and easy ways to get high bc i was pretty isolated at the time and couldn't just get up and buy weed. so, i found this nutmeg alternative, i've never tried it before, so i didn't know the outcome. ok, so i found nutmeg and dumped it into the tube and tried to add water to it so it would go down the 'hatch'. well, i clogged the tube. i should have dissolved it somehow, but i was so excited for the nutmeg and didn't think it through. i kept on pour water in it but the water made it turn into a mud-like consistency. so, i'm sitting on my bed like an asshole trying to unclog this tube... and mind you i used this tube for everything - hydration, food, medication, alcohol... all the important things lmao i tried like pushing it down with a plunger thing and it didn't work, i tried using carbonated drinks (apparently that's supposed to help) and that didn't work. so, i did what any little shit would do. i called my mom and asked for her help. my mom came in and was like "are you kidding me, you little shit?!". she was pissed. i was waiting for her to grab the slipper. like she was yelling at me for ~30 min before she actually tried to help unclog it. she was even like "you asshole i should just let you starve now" (don't worry it was all in a pissed-off-joking way) we ended up having to go to the emergency room bc like it was clogged-clogged. like it was like constipated and the colace wasn't working. so we go and they like were nice about it but deep down you could tell they were thinking 'this person is fucking idiot'. they made me talk to a crisis counselor before i left for some reason. i never tried that again. i stuck with just pouring booze down it.
i poured nutmeg down my feeding tube and it got clogged for a few hours until i had to go the er to get a new one and be judged by the er staff.
trying to get high with nutmug
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this is probably the stupidest way to hurt yourself, but here goes: i was playing the drums at a group drumming session (not using a drum kit because it's chinese drums) with a few members of the team, and the sticks for the drums are imported from taiwan. i don't know what kind of wood they use for those drumsticks, but i guess it's something more solid than ebony or other wood used for typical drumsticks. so here i am drumming when one stroke bounces off the drum and strikes me square in the chin. a little back story before i get to the fu: when i was in elementary school, like in grade 1 or 2, i slipped on a rainy day outside while running on asphalt and cut my chin. i ended up in the hospital where they used glue to seal the spot. that's about 10-12 years ago. so back to the fu: the drumstick falls to the ground after hitting me in the chin. no biggie, right? i just pick up the drumstick and continue drumming. a few minutes later, after a single run of the drumming music/routine and demonstrating a pattern, i look down at the carpet flooring and see dark spots. i'm confused, so i look at my shirt, seeing dark spots as well. my hand goes instinctively to my chin, where the drumstick had hit me, and when i look at my hand, it's covered with blood. my chin had been dripping blood and i didn't notice!!! i didn't even know i was bleeding, but i guess either i have no nerves there, or it was an adrenaline rush, because i only saw the blood when looked at my hand. i rush to the washroom to wash my hand and find something to apply pressure to the wound, which was literally by instinct. trying to talk opens the wound, so i cannot even talk, so i have to keep my mouth shut, which sucks because i talk often. i get rushed to the main floor, where i am forced to lie down, while gently pressing the wound. i had a feeling it ruptured my elementary school injury, which caused blood to drip to the floor. to make matters even worse, while treating the wound, the tube of polysporin in the first aid kit had expired, so my dad, who originally had been reading, but stopped to treat my injury, had to buy a new tube of polysporin and apply it to my chin. the wound still bleeds, but it's swollen as well. i definitely need stitches, but for now, the bleeding is not as bad. i have a dance assessment and group performance monday for college, an english presentation on wednesday, and i'm leading the drumming on a drum performance on the next saturday, and this injury just affected everything i have coming up... fml. my chin is bandaged. i'm not allowed to eat or talk, only allowed to drink fluids and sleep. this injury sucks big time. no picture available, but the wound is a straight horizontal gash on the bottom of my chin, where the band-aid is soaked partially with my blood, still bleeding. edit: added some extra detail/ paragraph modifications. edit 2: wording and note. edit 3: reworded last paragraph, new note. edit 4: not making an update, but photos now available: https://imgur.com/a/29fup
drumstick bounced off the drum off a stroke and ripped open an old injury on my chin. blood dripped from my chin without even knowing it. not fit for public display.
drumming too hard (nsfw)
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i’m a premed swashbuckler with a degree in biology. recently, about october 9, i received a job offer as a medical scribe from a company (scribekick) in a city about 4 hours from where i lived. they were rather excited, and presented a start-date just about a week and a half away, meaning i would have to hustle to get ready. i signed contracts with scribekick, received details of the firm, made arrangements, packed up and moved. i was assured 40h weeks and a wage i could work with. i signed my lease and spent a few days settling into the new city, excited for this new chapter in my life! work-day 1 rolls around, and i receive an email from scribekick telling of technical difficulties within the doctor’s practice, and that i would be on “standby” for a day. 2 days later, i receive an email, again from scribekick, giving me the green light. my first day is tomorrow, at 6am! i wake up at 4:30, eat, exercise, meditate. life is good and i’m ready to work! i drive to the practice in the dark, get out of my car and receive weird looks from a nurse in the parking lot. something is amiss. i wait a minute, as i was expecting to train with another scribekick employee- i figured we would meet in the parking lot. all of the sudden, the podiatrist pokes his head out of his office- “hey, are you the scribe?” “yes sir- my name is-“ “oh wow man, we canceled services with scribekick yesterday afternoon. did no one call you?” nope, no one had. i am now jobless, in a city unknown, looking like a true tool on this dark morning of october. “oh. i kind of moved here for this job..” “sorry man, no one had us sign any contracts so... make lemonade out of these lemons- amiright? see ya, good luck!” fast forward, i now use my biology degree to understand the microscopic phenomena happening all around me as i wait tables at a sushi restaurant. edit: i appreciate the sentiment guys- it has been tough, but i’m fine now! i’m able to pay my bills and just secured a new scribe position that pays more than the one i lost out on. much love!
i thought i had a job, moved & signed a lease only for the job to get canceled, leaving me stranded.
moving to a new city for a job
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this happened a few weeks ago but i kept forgetting to post the tale on a weekend when bodily fluids are allowed! during my morning pee i was feeling pretty congested and grabbed some tissue to multi-task. initially i felt a bit of pressure and an uncomfortable sensation from my lady bits, uncomfortable might be a downplay as it felt like i was passing a chestnut (the spiky kind still in the shell). alarmingly i noticed a little blood on the tissue when i wiped, but thankfully google let me in on how common this is (if it's that common though, why the f**k did i not know women shouldn't blow their nose while peeing!?). so i new i wasn't er worthy broken but due to the stories on some of the forums i new i was in for some unfun with future pee stops. i was unprepared. each time i've peed it's felt like lemon juice pouring over a hundred paper cuts in my urethra. so much pain. i drank a bunch of cranberry juice (because to women that's basically the answer to everything) and needed to pee every 4 hours, it was excruciating and eventually out of fear i stopped drinking all fluids to avoid needing to pee. the next day i managed to go 8 hours without peeing and noticed a huge improvement in the pain level so i went with the dehydration method to let my inside heal a bit. google also tells me that i may have impacted my pelvic floor and it can lead to issues with incontinence (so far all is good in that department!). i also learnt that there are specialized physiotherapists to help undo the damage! so yeah, ladies of the world please spread the word, don't blow your nose while you pee! edit: grammar
blew my nose while peeing, tore something in my urethra and learned that women shouldn't blow their nose while peeing.
blowing my nose while peeing and basically tearing my urethra.
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so my boyfriend, his friend and i went to amsterdam for a couple of days. i'm european and have been there before, they haven't. they've tried weed before, i have never. so i feel like it's time to try some. we go to a coffee shop (in amsterdam, weed is legal in these places called coffee shops) that's got a pretty hot rep, i split a .3 brownie with my bf and his friend gets a joint. after a few hours we feel it a little, i repeat a little. i imagine a couple of conversations for like 15 min and then it's all gone. nada. it was so disappointing. the day after, i wanna get some revenge and go to a place i know is good. they're all out of brownies, an i'm not about smoking at all so we go to another place, a place i deep down know is kinda shitty. me and my bf get one .4 brownie each, so that's supposed to be a lot more than the day before, right? wrong. nothing. absolutely nothing all night and we stayed in cuz i didn't wanna go out in case it hit me hard. the next day is the day we fly back, in the evening. i'm pretty stubborn and stuff so i go back to the place we got the shitty no good brownies at (smokey's at rembrandtplein fyi) to let them know that they didn't do jack shit. they just say "oh, okay, well, sometimes they don't work". what the bitch is that? pussy ass answer.. anyway, i'm pissed and bad things happen when i'm upset. so the good place that was out of brownies the day before is close by so me and my bf decide to go there and split one of their .5 ones. the flight is a couple of hours later an since the past two haven't done jack diddely, we and the guy selling figured it would be safe. i travel a lot so i don't get nervous or anything. boy, were we wrong. when we get to the airport suddenly i can't feel my body and i can't tell the difference between what i'm thinking and what i'm saying, like at all. i like to be in control, so it was freaky. i feel slow and dumb and can't understand my ticket. i manage to get through security, but it was hard. i didn't understand anything. my bf and his friend get me to the gate. the weed hasn't hit him yet and his friend hasn't taken any, so she's fine. they sit me down an i'm tripping balls, but not in the fun way. everything is spinning and it's awful. like skipping back and forth in a movie. i throw up on the floor, they wipe it up cuz they are the bomb. they tell me to relax and go with it; i try, but when i do, everything starts spinning and i throw up again on the floor. and again. i can hear a distant voice saying "no paper is gonna fix that, i'll go get a cleaner". my flight is leaving in like 40 min and theirs in 10. a cleaner comes and they move me to another seat. i convince my bf to stay with me cuz hot damn am i not going on that flight. now he starts feeling it too and can't really be helpful. his friend goes to catch her flight and we just sit there incapacitated. after a while it passes, but there are no more flights that day. we book a flight for the next day and spend the night at the airport. i could 'feel' it like two days after. i was not doing okay. never again.
got high at the airport, threw up on the floor, made me and my bf miss the flight.
getting high for the first time at the airport
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this happened back in middle school. my family was poor, and as such i qualified for the reduced meal program. this meant i got breakfast/lunch for just a quarter. which was pretty cool as it was far better than anything my mom would have sent me for lunch. well somewhere mid year there was about a week stretch where my lazy procrastinating self forgot to grab any quarters for lunch. not wanting to ask anyone for a quarter (i didn't want anyone to know i was on the reduced meal plan) i simply skipped lunch each day and are when i got home. really not a big deal in my mind. around the 3rd day the janitor in the cafeteria started to notice i wasn't eating and asked if i was okay. i told her i was and that i just wasn't hungry. she noticed again the next day, offered to buy me lunch. i said no i was fine. beginning of the next week the principal walks in and sits down at my table, and starts asking me why i'm not eating. i explain that i just kept forgetting my quarters and it wasn't a big deal. i really wasn't that hungry. she insists i go get lunch and waives the cost for me. i eat, go to my next class and assume that is the end of it. that wasn't the end of it, that evening my mom talks to me. the school called and is worried about me. ok, whatever. she sends me in with $5 to put in my lunch account so i wouldn't have to worry about grabbing quarters from the jar. good to go, right? nope. go to school the following day and get called out of lunch to go to the counselors office. they are worried i have anorexia (i was overweight but honestly didnt care a bit about being heavy), i explain the situation to them. i explain that i have been eating at home, that i'm fine, no food issues, no i'm not depressed, and yes i'll start eating again. they let me go back finally but mention they will be in touch. the lunch ladies watched me for the rest of the year and anytime i didn't get lunch someone noticed. which was annoying to say the least, there were days i genuinely waany hungry but had to nibble on food to not get in trouble.
forgot my quarter for lunch at school for a week everyone thought i was anorexic and made a big stink about it
forgetting my quarter for lunch
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my girlfriend told me she has no hair beneath her eyebrows, and that she would prefer a clean shaven guy. (at least around the groin for sure) now i shave my face daily, so i figured i could tame the jungle with ease. however that has proven to be untrue. i took a pair of regular scissors cut the majority off no problem. then i applied shaving cream and took my face razor to my groin. (albeit with hair much too long and with no general concern for direction) the resulting razor burn and itching is almost unbearable. i really want to get this figured out before we get married. i realize now that i did this incorrectly. i am currently itching my balls off and waiting for everything to grow back to give it a second try. i wish i had found /r/manscaping before i tried to weed whack my wank.
girlfriend prefers clean shaven groin. i try to shave my bush for the first time in my life. balls so itchy i want to scratch them with a cheese grater.
trying to shave my pubes for the first time
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today at work i accidentally crashed a row of shopping carts through a 5 foot tall 4 and 1/2 foot wide window. subsequently about 150lbs of glass came crashing down onto a full pallet a bottle of water cutting open at least 11 of the cases, resulting in the world's biggest workplace hazard of glass and water on a tile floor in the middle of a supermarket. i'm fairly certain they're going to fire me tomarrow, afterwards i hung a sign next to where the window should be that said " 404 file not found, windows has encountered a fatal error." so i hope at least somebody gets my brand humor out of the deal. you know guys it's not the bad luck or the unfortunate coincidences that bothers me, what really gets me the most is that not one of the 15 people working in that store offered to help me clean it up. they all stood there and watched me for four and a half hours mop up water and broken glass, i'm not even sure i would have accepted the help if they would have offered but it still would have been cool of at least one person to give me a hand. i cleaned it all up the best i could and stayed until 1 a.m. to make sure it was all taken care of, so here's to hoping i don't lose my job tomorrow.
today i broke a window that costs more then i make in 3 weeks time and i'm pretty sure they're going to fire me tomorrow.
breaking a $900 window with a shopping cart.
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so as u can tell from the title it didn't happen today. it was valentine's of this year and me and my new girlfriend wanted to stay home for the evening. i told her to come mine and i'll cook dinner, get some wine, watch tv etc. everything was going great, we had music on, i was getting ingredients ready on the counter for some delicious spaghetti bolognese. i get a fillet knife (first i saw) to cut up tomatoes. after i cut down a few, the fuck up arrived. i wanted to look cool, so i spinned the knife in my hand so that the blade is facing downwards, and wanted to bang it into the wooden cutting tray. it worked. to a degree. the knife went in nicely. but because the knife is thin and it gets thinner higher up the blade ( or lower since it's upside down) my hand slipped from the handle onto the blade and i dragged it across to the very bottom. i don't know how, but thankfully, only my pinky finger got cut and my ring finger had something that resembled a paper cut. getting back to it. as soon as the knife went in i knew something was wrong. i fucked up. i take my hand over the sink immediately and open my hand. nothing. half a second later, the finger opened up and sprayed blood upwards hitting my shoulder. it looked like half og the finger was hanging off backwards. my girlfriend on the sight of blood almost fainted and ran off screaming to the kitchen table and sat down and what seemed she was trying to hide behind the back rest of the chair. i was cut many times but never have i bled so much. i put cold water on it while using my other hand to pinch the skin together to stop the bleeding. didn't work for shit. blood was still rushing everywhere. we were the only people at home with no car. so i had a great idea. i'll saw it up myself. i dropped a needle into the pot, put it on maximum while making the kitchen look like someone was murdered. my girlfriend said it's an awful idea and not to do it. plasters wouldn't work as all were small so i used a cloth and wrapped it with duct tape temporarily. cloth soon became red and was dripping. i was about to take out the needle and attempt some kind of idiotic procedure but thankfully my dad came around for some reason. he came in and saw all the blood and asked what happened. i explained i cut myself and he didn't know if he should laugh or sympathise. so instead he called me an idiot. he helped me get it under some sort of control. we used hydrogen peroxide to clean the wound and covered it with a sticky bandage. it was bleeding for until the following day noon because in the morning when i checked on it i stretched my fingers and ripped it all over. we followed the procedure from previous day and left it to heal. nevertheless it was completely not the first valentine's i was planning for. we did not have food that evening and i did not get any action.
i invited over new girlfriend for dinner to spend our first valentine's. i tried to show off knife skills and i cut my finger open and couldn't get it to stop bleeding.
slicing open my finger on first valentines with my new girlfriend
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this did actually happen today. it started after i came home late from work due to dealing with a particularly picky customer so i was in a rush to get back to meet the girl that was coming over. i needed to get a couple loads of washing done before tomorrow but because i was held back at work i only had time to do one load if i was going to get it dry before it was needed. this is where the story begins to turn to the worse. the washing i urgently needed done was, as you can probably now work out, different colours... namely a vibrant red jumper and white underwear. i put the washing in not thinking too much of it, my mother had always told me not to do such a thing but of course it had never gone wrong before and now i live away from home why do i need to listen to her anyway? well of course the washing finishes with just enough time for me to hang it all up before the girl arrives. i reach into the machine to find my new fetching pink undies, well there’s nothing else i can do other than hang them up in full view of anyone who happens to come anywhere near my room. hark, the dreaded knock on the door, the female enters my room and can do nothing more than double take at the scene in front of her. she, being too polite to say anything, stayed over for a while but not long after her departure i revived a text from her suggesting that maybe things aren’t going anywhere. safe to say my lack of respect for my mothers washing tips and tricks has cost me further dates with a girl who i’m pretty sure now thinks that i’m a little too camp for her liking. to add to my extended single life i discovered that i had left something/things round and metallic in a pocket of some trousers in the wash (probably coins) and these have caused my washing machine to stop working and i will probably have a large bill to get it fixed... ironic, a couple of quid have cost me many more in repairs. edit: paragraphing
in a rush i mixed my colours in the wash and ended up with pink underwear which a girl i was having over saw and now thinks i’m a little too camp for her, so i won’t be seeing her again. in my rush i also left coins in a pocket which broke my machine. i’m listening to everything my mother has to say in future
not listening to my mother