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I’m happy I found my dad after the car crash
Now I just need to find the other half |
"Subject presents as unusually calm and collected upon inspection and refuses to make eye contact," the doctor murmured into his recorder as he eyes the girl sitting on the bed in front of him.
"Subject presents as hungry," the girl replied, lifting her ruby red eyes to stare daggers into the doctor, blurring as she ran to the door to cut him off from running. |
The humans were forced to stand near a window each day, watching uneaten food as it rotted away outside.
Punishment by the Cats upon overthrowing these now emaciated former captors (who had kept them from hunting for so long). |
I got home from a long workday picked up my kitty and cuddled on the couch.
After a nice long snuggle I smoothed her fur and placed her back on the mantle. |
"Hello doggy, would you like to play fetch?"
the man said, tossing the key across the room as his prisoner made muffled cries, chained and gagged to his basement wall. |
Every night, I lock my cat in the laundry room where her bed is.
So why do I keep hearing scratching at my door? |
My ex always told me that if you love something, then you have to let it go
Which is exactly what I told the police when they asked why I had dropped our son off the hotel balcony.
|
“Unfortunately, your payment method was declined, please update it to continue using our service,” read the email advising me that my subscription had been paused.
As I gasped for breath and began to suffocate, I thought back to the days before breathable air had been a for profit business. |
Humanity was ecstatic when they first discovered alien life.
However, as soon as the astronauts arrived back on the spaceship, one of them had a horrible fever.
(this is my first one, go easy on me) |
My therapist told me to write down the names of the people who bother me,
He never told what to do with the paper though |
I cursed my manager while mopping up the warehouse.
If he would've listened, I wouldn't have to put Frank in the biohazard bins. |
As they dug deep into the chest the explorers knew they found their salvation.
Trapped, wounded, and starved, they begrudgingly devoured the still warm organs of their deceased and esteemed colleague. |
I couldn't sleep last night
The scratching on the other side of my pillow, and the tapping on my window just wouldn't stop. |
As the cell door closed and reality set in, he felt the warm breath on the back of his neck.
The breath of the one known only as ‘The Bull’. |
A traveler from distant galaxies descended into the shadowed lands of the Pharaohs, seeking the ultimate answer of life the universe and everything
The whispering priests, with eyes gleaming like dark stars, chillingly revealed that only through the terror of confessing the 42 sins can one escape the eternal torment that awaits the deceitful |
“During this week, your baby is about 2 cm.”
I shuddered, knowing my fallopian tube was only one centimeter, and it would not be stretching much further.
|
"It's so nice to have people be there for you when you are at your lowest!:
"I assume..." |
Don’t be afraid of the dark shadows you see in your room at night, they are not real.
What you should be afraid of is the thing that uses those shadows to distract you. |
My friend asked to borrow something from my closet that her evangelical parents won’t let her have.
I have no problem with the request, but it’s hella awkward trying to fit a wire hanger into my school backpack. |
Milo the therapy cat at the senior center I work at is well known to only visit and spend time with patients in the last days of their life, accurately predicting hundreds of deaths over the years.
When I peeked in outside my regular routine and spotted Milo slowly retracting an abnormally long, thin claw from Ms. Rowan’s jugular, I suddenly realized why he was so good at his predictions. |
The call to come to the police station was surprising.
Though, not as surprising and finding a younger version of myself on the morgue table. |
The new vampire knew a car crash couldn't kill him, so he blasted down the highway, drunk with power.
He sobered up pretty quick once he was pinned under the car, and the sun started to come up. |
At the end of the day, I approached my date who sat in her car, ready to go, and told her "You remind me so much of my wife."
With terror in her eyes and her hands bound, I said, "She died screaming too," and then put the car in neutral and let it roll down the steep hill towards the 100-foot cliff with a half-dozen car wrecks at the bottom. |
I stepped on the scale and was disappointed that I still needed to lose more to be considered petite.
I grabbed my phone and googled, “how much do human body parts weigh?” |
I expected the submarine to bring back amazing new findings.
What I didn’t expect were the clear tentacle marks on the hull that had almost been torn in half. |
I asked the genie to quintuple the rent of single adults with 4+ kids.
My enemy asked his genie to turn me into a single adult with 4+ kids. |
“The light at the end of the tunnel is near!” I thought to myself in relief as I was driving to my new home.
Then I realized that the light was from a car speeding toward me on the highway. |
Carefully I slid a bullet in the chamber of my new revolver, lifted it to the head of the imposter everyone called my twin and pulled the trigger.
I screamed when the blood poured out of my own head and they laughed in my face as i fell to the ground. |
This is the most high-tech toy on the market, with vibration and heating up to 100 degrees!
Sitting in the ER that night, I curse that salesman for not specifying Fahrenheit or Celsius. |
The ghost town silently loomed on the horizon as my friends and I approached in the darkness, eager to meat whatever supernatural force might be waiting for us.
When the first spirit appeared- we activated the machine, and as the ailing thing returned to its flesh and blood state, my friend muttered, "Can't go to prison for killin' a dead man," with a smile. |
my wife woke me up scared and confused, telling me her baby bump is gone
im starting to think those drugs the gynecologist used might have caused dementia |
Following an unfortunate schoolyard scuffle, my husband and I decided that relocation will be best for our Timmy’s safety and well-being.
These accusations of bullying are nothing but a smear campaign from the bitter parents of fragile children, who are jealous of my Timmy's confidence, energetic spirit and God-given talent for athletics and firearms. |
I never understood what was meant by the phrase ‘it’s a dog eat dog world.’
That was until my youngest broke his leg, and our akita attacked him, leaving it in no uncertain terms he wouldn’t stand for weakness in our pack |
My heart leapt into my throat.
I could only make strangled gasping noises as I fought for air. |
As a member of the first responder team I arrived at the crash site and was the only one noticing the bloodied woman that had been thrown behind a big boulder.
Making sure no-one else was watching me ,I crept over to peer into her eyes and enjoy seeing the life slowly fade out of her. |
I was tired after a long day, so i rubbed my eyes.
The next thing i saw was a black smear on my hand. |
She was excited for date night when she heard a knock at the door.
What she saw when she opened the door was her father holding the bloodied up body of her girlfriend who had planned on proposing that evening. |
I was excited to try the newest app for augmented reality headsets promised to show us representations of colors beyond that which humans can normally perceive.
As I turned it on I became surrounded by twisting bursts of colors in the shape of men attacking each other, then stopping suddenly and looking right at me. |
Dr Moorecraft, how many spiders did you say you were expecting?
Eyeing the large shipping container, he smiled, "just the one" |
I watch the pages id poured my life into be torn from their binding, on my knees as the men held me down and pressed crosses into my skin like they would hurt me.
I cried hysterically as I slipped back into my own mind -replaced by my other half as my skin finally started to steam from the crosses, red eyes meeting the priest's as she smiled "It's just a book, Father." |
Before leaving the room, my daughter waved to everyone and everyone waved back.
No matter the channel or the show, whenever my daughter waves at the TV, everyone on screen waves back with a smile. |
“Can you feel this,” said the doctor proceeding to hyper extended my arm.
I had to admit that, no, I couldn’t feel much even after my elbow made crunching noises and my arm was folded completely back on itself. |
"When does it get easier?" the man yelled at his therapist, revealing a gun from his jacket pocket.
"Let me show you," replied the therapist calmly, opening the drawer of his desk and firing through his skull. |
I closed myself in my locker to escape the shooter.
I thought I was safe until he took out a knife and shoved it through the gaps |
Mid thurst, the knife plunged it her flesh and I felt the splatter,then I heard someone call my name from down the hall, I was fantasizing again.
My mind yearned to be free of her and I wondered how much longer I can keep rehashing all the wrongs she did me with out actions. |
There are too many stars in the sky
I was an astronomer until they started to look like eyes. |
I have been taking care of Miss Ellie for years in the nursing home; she has always been slow but very independent.
Got worried about her being in the bathroom by herself for so long that I popped the lock.. and caught her struggling with the zipper on her wrinkly ol skin suit |
I handed my husband his tea and cookies.
"Did you put the cyanide?" Asked his ghost. |
My little boy tugged the right leg of my trouser to ask me where mommy is.
As I try to come up with a reply, I silently curse her for leaving me alone with him, and escaping alone. |
I felt my dog licking my hand from under the bed as I fell asleep as he always does
When I woke up I was painfully reminded that my dog died last week
|
I turned over my shovel full of manure and was satisfied to see thousands of wriggling worms.
Satisfied until one of the worms shot from the pile and slithered its way snugly into a deep cavity in my sinus. |
The Police questioned my son on what the man in the woods who had stabbed him in the side looked like
But he couldn't describe him other then as a very generic, average looking man who he had never met before |
We named the mountains and oceans after gods and devil's.
Then we conquered them. |
My voice caught in my throat as the scratches on the on the closet doors continued through the night.
I'd put the two twin mattresses on the floor of my dormroom so that was secured, but I'd forgotten that there were two separate closets and now I was outnumbered. |
The deal is, you will be completely immortal, and I will give you a one year head start.
As for what happens when I inevitably catch you, well, lets just say you're gonna be an organ donor. |
No one knew where the leviathan feasting on the Earth's core came from or how long it had been there, but a global outcry quickly rose to kill the beast by any means necessary, a task which fell on the army under my control.
As the monstrosity died beneath our feet, the world shook with a rolling thunderous wave as everyone and everything lost their earthly tether, slowly drifting away from the ground as the last traces of what we knew as gravity faded with the leviathan's dying thoughts. |
I'm sorry you have to find out this way but it usually allows the receiver to adapt and accept the reality more easily
In five days, the game will be over. |
“Mum, I thought you said dad quit smoking?”
“Cause he’s sitting in the car in the garage and there’s lots of smoke.” |
My sister Anna had been mute for years, because she was born without a tongue
now Im hiding in the closet, because when she arrived home she asked me "hows your day". |
I was deeply inloved, told him not to be a cheater like my father.
When dad screamed like a maniac recognizing his bastard, we knew he was going to try to smash the head of our newborn. |
We wondered why the aliens seemed so mindless, so primitive and seemingly not equipped with even a scrap of technology.
Little did we know they were not the ones who built the ships that carried them here. |
I thought installing the motion sensing light in my bedroom closet was a great idea.
But now, laying in my bed in the middle of the night with it turning on and off I'm not so sure. |
As I was driving down the long dirt road, I heard my amber alert go off.
Maybe they’ll find me if I just keep driving. |
I wasted thousands of dollars hiring actors to reenact my favorite movie
And not a single one of them survived the full 127 hours |
I talked for years, and no one could hear me.
Now that I'm silent, everyone knows what I'm thinking. |
‘I’ll take a wedge of orange and a wedge of apple,’ the man said to himself.
He took his knife and cut into the larynx of the victim he’d nicknamed Adam, and then continued with Eve. |
I blink a few times, trying to make out the face of the man standing above me.
In the distance, I hear blaring sirens and loud sobbing; it all feels foggy now… lemme just close my eyes for a bit… |
That horrible AI will totrture and slaughter us in billions
I have to do everything in my power to help it come to be if I wish to be spared. |
I watched the widow weep over her husband's coffin, and wondered if they told her the truth.
There wasn't anything left to bury. |
"Thieves get their hands cut off!", the angry man snarled before brandishing an axe.
Bound and gagged, the trafficker could only look on in horror at the enraged father standing before him. |
I signed up for a new job that paid me good.
Then I woke up wearing an orange uniform with my hands tied and something that looks like a piston on my leg. |
“Oh it’s no worries, I’m a hiker too.”
He said, shouldering little more than a drawstring bag. |
‘Lying down on a bed of nails is a simple trick,’ the man replied
‘No, I said I’d be lying if I thought taking your nails from their beds was too harsh a punishment.’ |
My wife always remined me to not fall asleep when I put our toddler to bed.
When the feeling of tiny, razor-sharp fingernails scratching my eyeballs woke me up, I knew why. |
I always had a passion for doctor's tools, but my brother hated me for it.
He never judged me again when I took his sight with a pair of needles. |
My baby brother was annoying me, so I left him under the stork nests at the park so they could take him back.
Weirdly enough, they only pecked out his eyes and just left the rest of him there... |
Gun ready, I stepped out of the time machine into 1930's Germany prepared to change the future.
I was not prepared to see a different version of myself push the führer into a time machine of their own, however. |
My identical twin convinced me to pretend to be him for a laugh.
How do I explain to the cartel member torturing me that I'm not who they think I am? |
I couldn't take my eyes off her smile as she led me into our apartment "you have been lying about her for years" she said with a giggle "now she's lying all about you."
I was confused how she wasn't angry when I finally broke eye contact and noticed the body parts lying all around our living room. |
"Too deep, TOO DEEP" She yelled
I still plunged deeper this submarine was made to find the titanic. |
My parents had me take medication and had a strict curfew for me as the medication would cause drastic effects if I'm not well rested.
Now I'm standing in a large white room grieving about the night I stayed up past 9:00 pm. |
The dancing lights in the night sky were even brighter than the news had predicted and seemed to be growing brighter every minute
As I excitedly took a picture to send to my friends, I was confused to see my cell service drop out, followed closely by my Wi-Fi, before my phone itself lost power. |
My dog is usually happy to see me when I get home from work.
Today I'm wondering why he keeps growling while I try to guide him to the spot where he can dig me up. |
"Ah you see son, if we keep driving with this baby here, nobody can stop us" the enthusiastic father said to his son while stepping on the gas more.
The next day, the headlines of the news everywhere read "Florida Man and son run over hundreds of people and flatten a small town with bulldozer" |
I filmed my two daughters playing joyfully in their adorable dresses, clutching their cute little animals friends, undeterred by past failures and convinced this was the moment as I awaited the mother bear's arrival.
After all, having raised them alone just for this film, the videos featuring their mother and my parents had barely scraped a few thousand views. |
My parents didn't let me believe in the tooth fairy while growing up, and they must have been right.
All these years later, my collection of children's teeth keeps growing and I've never found money under my pillow. |
My fiancé's eyes widen as I slipped the pin on her finger
"til death do us part" |
The frozen corpse of my friend just tumbled down the mountain face next to me.
I look down at the 10,000ft drop below me and hear the snap of a cable above me, it was the last one holding me up.
|
My parents lied when they said it would be fun to have a baby brother, so I am sending him back where he came from.
I am not sure what temperature they had him at, originally, but mom *usually* bakes buns at 425, and he stopped crying pretty quick, so that must have worked. |
A young woman arrived at the ER, agonized by a large ice pick lodged in her left eye.
After learning of her history of migraines, the doctor wrote her a prescription for strong pain killers, and sent her on her way. |
I spilled gunpowder on the ground while reloading and went to go get a broom and dustpan.
All I could do was scream when I heard my wife start the vacuum cleaner from the next room. |
In hindsight, it's almost poetic we called it dark MATTER
Because when they finally showed up, the light did not anymore. |
Bullets zipped past as our two families rushed the demilitarized zone, until my children and I had made it hand in hand to the other side
Then I looked back at my screaming family being dragged back into the state as the other father thanked me profusely for helping his children across. |
I absented mindlessly watched the nurses catch-up.
None of us saw the foot long bubble travel down the IV and disappear into my arm. |
I can't stand to watch the woman I love be abused any longer, so I'm going to have her move in with me today.
Her husband never noticed me living in the attic, so he'll never think to look for her here either. |
My dog is very well trained!
He even knows how to unlock the door, Stand up on his hind legs and walk outside |
I love being a teacher
When she'll do anything for her parents to not hurt her... |
He cried in despair looking at the gun that killed his family
He had run out of bullets and the monsters are closing in. |
Something wonderful is growing inside of me, and my family couldn't be happier.
Serving as a vessel for the Old Gods rebirth is the highest of privileges, and if my parents had kept their mouths shut, they could have been part of Our celebration. |
He almost made it, running to the airlock from the broken rover, before the storm front caught up to him.
As silica rain whipped around his body, for a few seconds it turned an almost beautiful crimson hue. |