Datasets:
Tasks:
Text Generation
Sub-tasks:
language-modeling
Languages:
English
Size:
10K<n<100K
ArXiv:
License:
Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, | |
Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| CONANT'S | | |
| | | |
| PATENT BINDERS | | |
| | | |
| FOR | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO," to preserve the paper for binding, will be | | |
| sent postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| We will Mail Free | | |
| | | |
| A COVER | | |
| | | |
| Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | | |
| | | |
| FOR BINDING | | |
| | | |
| FIRST VOLUME, | | |
| | | |
| On Receipt of 50 Cents, | | |
| | | |
| TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | | |
| | | |
| On application to | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau Street. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | | |
| | | |
| STEEL PENS. | | |
| | | |
| These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | | |
| than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | | |
| called to the following grades, as being better suited for | | |
| business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | | |
| | | |
| "503," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | | |
| | | |
| we recommend for Bank and Office use | | |
| | | |
| D. APPLETON & CO., | | |
| | | |
| Sole Agents for United States, | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
VOL II., NO. 29 | |
PUNCHINELLO | |
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1870. | |
PUBLISHED BY THE | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | |
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. | |
* * * * * | |
MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, | |
By ORPHEUS C. KERR. | |
Continued in this Number. | |
See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Bound Volume No. 1. | | |
| | | |
| The first volume of PUNCHINELLO-- the only first-class, | | |
| original, illustrated, humorous and satirical weekly paper | | |
| published in this country--ending with No. 26, September 24, | | |
| 1870, | | |
| | | |
| Bound in Extra Cloth, | | |
| | | |
| will be ready for delivery on Oct 1, 1870. | | |
| | | |
| PRICE $2.50. | | |
| | | |
| Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | | |
| price. | | |
| | | |
| A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | | |
| and the Bound Volume, (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | | |
| any subscriber for $5.50. | | |
| | | |
| Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | | |
| extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | | |
| subscriptions for $16.50. | | |
| | | |
| One copy of a paper for one year, with a fine chromo | | |
| premium, for..... $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies, mailed free .10 | | |
| | | |
| Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | | |
| electrotyped. | | |
| | | |
| Book canvassers will find this volume a | | |
| | | |
| Very Saleable Book. | | |
| | | |
| Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | | |
| | | |
| All remittances should be made in Post Office orders. | | |
| | | |
| Canvassers wanted for the paper everywhere. Send for our | | |
| Special Circular. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| Punchinello Publishing Co., | | |
| | | |
| 83 NASSAU ST., N.Y. | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box No. 2783. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO" | | |
| | | |
| SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | | |
| | | |
| JOHN NICKINSON, | | |
| | | |
| Room No. 4, | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| TO NEWS-DEALERS | | |
| | | |
| Punchinello's Monthly. | | |
| | | |
| The Weekly Numbers for September, | | |
| | | |
| Bound in a Handsome Cover, | | |
| | | |
| Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | | |
| | | |
| THE TRADE | | |
| | | |
| Supplied by the | | |
| | | |
| AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | | |
| | | |
| Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | | |
| | | |
| 33 BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK | | |
| | | |
| Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | | |
| | | |
| _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | | |
| to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | | |
| | | |
| Six per Cent interest, | | |
| Free of Government Tax. | | |
| | | |
| INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | | |
| | | |
| Commences on the First of every Month. | | |
| | | |
| HENRY SMITH, _President_ | | |
| | | |
| REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | | |
| | | |
| WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| J. NICKINSON | | |
| | | |
| begs to announce to the friends of | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO," | | |
| | | |
| residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | | |
| made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | | |
| | | |
| ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | | |
| | | |
| the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | | |
| | | |
| Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | | |
| Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | | |
| stamps. | | |
| | | |
| OFFICE OF | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau Street. | | |
| | | |
| [P.O. Box 2783.] | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | | |
| | | |
| MATERNITY | | |
| | | |
| A POPULAR TREATISE | | |
| | | |
| For Young Wives and Mothers | | |
| | | |
| BY T. S. VERDI, A. M., M. D., OF WASHINGTON, D. C. | | |
| | | |
| Dr. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | | |
| Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | | |
| experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | | |
| practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | | |
| Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | | |
| skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | | |
| early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | | |
| Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | | |
| in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | | |
| this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | | |
| delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | | |
| without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | | |
| this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | | |
| the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | | |
| and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | | |
| medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | | |
| perils of early life. | | |
| | | |
| As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, and as a | | |
| book of special and reliable information on very important | | |
| topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | | |
| | | |
| Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | | |
| English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | | |
| | | |
| _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | | |
| receipt of the price by_ | | |
| | | |
| J. B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | | |
| 39 Park Row, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| FORST & AVERELL, | | |
| | | |
| Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | | |
| | | |
| PRINTERS, | | |
| | | |
| EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | | |
| MANUFACTURERS. | | |
| | | |
| Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | | |
| | | |
| 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box 2845. | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| FOLEY'S | | |
| | | |
| GOLD PENS. | | |
| | | |
| THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | | |
| | | |
| 256 BROADWAY. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| The only Journal of its kind in America!! | | |
| | | |
| THE AMERICAN CHEMIST: | | |
| | | |
| A MONTHLY JOURNAL OF THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL | | |
| CHEMISTRY. | | |
| | | |
| DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS. | | |
| | | |
| EDITED BY Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler. | | |
| | | |
| The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, | | |
| having purchased the subscription list and stock of the | | |
| American reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to | | |
| advance the interests of the American Chemical Science by | | |
| the publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of | | |
| communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, | | |
| and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. | | |
| | | |
| The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | | |
| reception of original articles from any part of the country, | | |
| subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | | |
| points of interest within the scope of the Journal will | | |
| receive prompt attention. | | |
| | | |
| THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | | |
| | | |
| Is a Journal of especial interest to | | |
| | | |
| SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | | |
| DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | | |
| MANUFACTURERS, | | |
| | | |
| And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | | |
| | | |
| Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per | | |
| number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | | |
| | | |
| Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | | |
| | | |
| Publishers and Proprietors, | | |
| | | |
| 434 Broome Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| WEVILL & HAMMAR, | | |
| | | |
| Wood Engravers, | | |
| | | |
| 208 BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| GEO. B. BOWLEND, | | |
| | | |
| Draughtsman & Designer | | |
| | | |
| No. 160 Fulton Street, | | |
| | | |
| Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| HENRY L. STEPHENS, | | |
| | | |
| ARTIST, | | |
| | | |
| No. 160 FULTON STREET, | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | |
AN ADAPTATION. | |
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. | |
CHAPTER XXII.--(Continued.) | |
When Miss POTTS and Mr. SIMPSON rejoined Mr. DIBBLE, in the office of | |
the latter, across the street, it was decided that the flighty young | |
girl should be made less expensive to her friends by temporary | |
accommodation in an economical boarding-house, and that the Gospeler, | |
returning to Bumsteadville, should persuade Miss CAROWTHERS to come and | |
stay with her until the time for the reopening of the Macassar Female | |
College. | |
Subsequently, with his homeless ward upon his arm, the benignant old | |
lawyer underwent a series of scathing rebuffs from the various | |
high-strung descendants of better days at whose once luxurious but now | |
darkened homes he applied for the desired board. Time after time was he | |
reminded, by unspeakably majestic middle-aged ladies with bass voices, | |
that when a fine old family loses its former wealth by those | |
vicissitudes of fortune which bring out the noblest traits of character | |
and compel the letting-out of a few damp rooms, it is significant of a | |
weak understanding, or a depraved disrespect of the dignity of | |
adversity, to expect that such families shall lose money and lower their | |
hereditary high tone by waiting upon a parcel of young girls. A few | |
Single Gentlemen desiring all the comforts of a home would not be | |
considered insulting unless they objected to the butter, and a couple of | |
married Childless Gentlemen with their wives might be pardoned for | |
respectfully applying; but the idea of a parcel of young girls! Wherever | |
he went, the reproach of not being a few Single Gentlemen, or a, couple | |
of married Childless Gentlemen with their wives, abashed Mr. DIBBLE into | |
helpless retreat; while FLORA'S increasing guilty consciousness of the | |
implacable sentiment against her as a parcel of young girls, culminated | |
at last in tears. Finally, when the miserable lawyer was beginning to | |
think strongly of the House of the Good Shepherd, or the Orphan Asylum, | |
as a last resort, it suddenly occurred to him that Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, a | |
distant widowed aunt of his clerk, Mr. BLADAMS, had been known to live | |
upon boarders in Bleecker Street; and thither he dragged hastily the | |
despised object on his arm. | |
Being a widow without children, and relieved of nearly all the | |
weaknesses of her sex by the systematic refusal of the opposite sex to | |
give her any encouragement in them, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN was a relentless | |
advocate of Woman's Inalienable Rights, and only wished that Man could | |
just see himself in that contemptible light in which he was distinctly | |
visible to One who, sooner than be his Legal Slave, would never again | |
accompany him to the Altar. | |
"I tell you candidly, DIBBLE," said she, in answer to his application, | |
"that if you had applied to be taken yourself, I should have said | |
'Never!' and at once called in the police. Since SKAMMERHORN died | |
delirious, I have always refused to have his sex in the house, and I | |
tell you, frankly, that I consider it hardly human. If this girl of | |
yours, however, and the elderly female whom, you say, she expects to | |
join her in a few days, will make themselves generally useful about the | |
house, and try to be companions to me, I can give them the very room | |
where SKAMMERHORN died." | |
Perceiving that FLORA turned pale, her guardian whispered to her that | |
she would not be alone in the room, at any rate; and then respectfully | |
asked whether the late Mr. SKAMMERHORN had ever been seen around the | |
house since his death? | |
"To be frank with you," answered the widow, "I did think that I came | |
upon him once in the closet, with his back to me, as often I'd seen the | |
weak creature in life going after a bottle on the top shelf. But it was | |
only his coat hanging there, with his boots standing below and my muff | |
hanging over to look like his head." | |
"You think, then," said Mr. DIBBLE, inquiringly, "that it is such a room | |
as two ladies could occupy, without awaking at midnight with a strange | |
sensation and thinking they felt a supernatural presence?" | |
"Not if the bed was rightly searched beforehand, and all the joints well | |
peppered with magnetic powder," was the assuring answer. | |
"Could we see the room, madam?" | |
"If the shutters were open you could; as they're not;" returned the | |
widow, not offering to stir; "but ever since SKAMMERHORN, starting up | |
with a howl, said 'Here he comes again, red-hot!' and tried to jump out | |
of the window, I've never opened them for any single man, and never | |
shall. I couldn't bear it, DIBBLE, to see one of your sex in that room | |
again, and hope you will not insist." | |
Broken in spirit as he was by preceding humiliations, the old lawyer had | |
not the heart to contest the point, and it was agreed, that, upon the | |
arrival of Miss CAROWTHERS from Bumsteadville, she and FLORA should | |
accept the memorable room in question. | |
Upon their way back to the hotel, guardian and ward met Mr. BENTHAM, | |
who, from the moment of becoming a character in their Story, had been | |
possessed with that mysterious madness for open-air exercise which | |
afflicted every acquaintance of the late EDWIN DROOD, and now saluted | |
them in the broiling street and solemnly besought their company for a | |
long walk. "It has occurred to me," said the Comic Paper man, who had | |
resumed his black worsted gloves, "that Mr. DIBBLE and Miss POTTS may be | |
willing to aid me in walking-off some of the darker suicidal | |
inclinations incident to first-class Humorous Journalism in America. | |
Reading the 'proof' of an instalment of a comic serial now publishing in | |
my paper, I contracted such gloom, that a frantic rush into the fresh | |
air was my only hope of on escape from self-destruction. Let us walk, | |
if you please." | |
Led on, in the profoundest melancholy, by this chastened character, Mr. | |
DIBBLE and the Flowerpot were presently toiling hotly through a | |
succession of grievous side-streets, and forlorn short-cuts to dismal | |
ferries; the state of their conductor's spirits inclining him to find a | |
certain refreshingly solemn joy in the horrors of pedestrianism imposed | |
by obstructions of merchandise on side-walks, and repeated climbings | |
over skids extending from store doors to drays. Inspired to an | |
extraordinary flow of malignant animal spirits by the complexities of | |
travel incident to the odorous mazes of some hundred odd kegs of salt | |
mackerel and boxes of brown soap impressively stacked before one very | |
enterprising Commission house, Mr. BENTHAM lightened the journey with | |
anecdotes of self-made Commission men who had risen in life by breaking | |
human legs and city ordinances; and dwelt emotionally upon the scenes in | |
the city hospitals where ladies and gentlemen were brought in, with | |
nails from the hoops of sugar-hogsheads sticking into their feet, or | |
limbs dislocated from too-loftily piled firkins of butter falling upon | |
them. Through incredible hardships, and amongst astounding complications | |
of horse-cars, target companies, and barrels of everything, Mr. BENTHAM | |
also amused his friends with circuits of several of the fine public | |
markets of New York; explaining to them the relations of the various | |
miasmatic smells of those quaint edifices with the various devastating | |
diseases of the day, and expatiating quite eloquently upon the political | |
corruption involved in the renting of the stalls, and the fine openings | |
there were for Cholera and Yellow Fever in the Fish and Vegetable | |
departments. Then, as a last treat, he led his panting companions | |
through several lively up-hill blocks of drug-mills and tobacco firms, | |
to where they had a distant view of a tenement house next door to a | |
kerosene factory, where, as he vivaciously told them, in the event of a | |
fire, at least one hundred human beings would be slowly done to a turn. | |
After which all three returned from their walk, firmly convinced that an | |
unctuous vein of humor had been conscientiously worked, and abstractedly | |
wishing themselves dead.[1] | |
The exhilarating effect of the genial Comic Paper man upon FLORA did | |
not, indeed, pass away, until she and Miss CAROWTHERS were in their | |
appointed quarters under the roof of Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, whither they went | |
immediately upon the arrival of the elder spinster from Bumsteadville. | |
"It could have been wished, my good woman," said Miss CAROWTHERS, | |
casting a rather disparaging look around the death-chamber of the late | |
Mr. SKAMMERHORN, "that you had assigned to educated single young ladies, | |
like ourselves, an apartment less suggestive of Man in his wedded | |
aspects. The spectacle of a pair of pegged boots sticking out from under | |
a bed, and a razor and a hone grouped on the mantle-shelf, is not such | |
as I should desire to encourage in the dormitory of a pupil under my | |
tuition." | |
"That's much to be deplored, I'm sure, CAROWTHERS," returned Mrs. | |
SKAMMERHORN, severely, "and sorry am I that I ever married, on that | |
particular account. I'd not have done it, if you'd only told me. But, | |
seeing that I married SKAMMERHORN, and then he died delirious, his | |
boots and razor must remain, just as he often wished to throw the | |
former at me in his ravings. Once married is enough, say I; and those | |
who never were, through having no proposals, must bear with those who | |
have, and take things as they come." | |
"There are those, I'd have you know, Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, to whom proposals | |
have been no inducement," said Miss CAROWTHERS, sharply; "or, if being | |
made, and then withdrawn, have given our sex opportunities to prove, in | |
courts of law, that damages can still be got. I'm afraid of no Man, my | |
good woman, as a person named BLODGETT once learned from a jury; but | |
boots and razors are not what I would have familiar to the mind of one | |
who never had a husband to die in raging torments, nor yet has sued for | |
breach." | |
"Miss POTTS is but a chicken, I'll admit," retorted Mrs. SKAMMERHORN; | |
"but you're not such, CAROWTHERS, by many a good year. On the contrary, | |
quite a hen. Then, you being with her, if the boots and razor make her | |
think she sees that poor, weak SKAMMERHORN a-ranging round the room, | |
when in his grave it is his place to be, you've only got to say: 'A fool | |
you are, and always were,'--as often I, myself, called at him in his | |
lifetime,--and off he'll go into his tomb again for fear of | |
broomsticks." | |
"FLORA, my dear," said Miss CAROWTHERS, turning with dignity to her | |
pupil, "if I know anything of human nature, the man who has once got | |
away from here, will stay away. Only single ghosts have attachments for | |
the houses in which they once lived. So, never mind the boots and razor, | |
darling; which, after all, if seen by peddlers, or men who come to fix | |
the gas, might keep us safe from robbers." | |
"As safe as any man himself, young woman, with pistols under his head | |
that he would never dare to fire if robbers were no more than cats | |
rampaging," added Mrs. SKAMMERHORN, enthusiastically. "With nothing but | |
an old black hat of SKAMMERHORN'S, and walking-cane, kept hanging in the | |
hall, I haven't lost a spoon by tramps or census takers for six mortal | |
years. So, make yourselves at home, I beg you both, while I go down and | |
cook the liver for our dinner. You'll find it tender as a chicken, after | |
what you've broke your teeth upon in boarding-schools; though | |
SKAMMERHORN declared it made him bilious in the second year, forgetting | |
what he'd drank with sugar to his taste, beforehand." | |
Thus was sweet FLORA POTTS introduced to her new home; where, but for | |
looking down from her windows at the fashions, making-up hundreds of | |
bows of ribbons for her neck, and making-over all her dresses, her | |
woman's mind must have been a blank. What time Miss CAROWTHERS told her | |
all day how she looked in this or that style of wearing her hair, and | |
read her to sleep each night with extracts from the pages of cheery | |
HANNAH MORE. As for the object nearest her young heart, to say that she | |
was wholly unruffled by it would be inaccurate; but by address she kept | |
it hidden from all eyes save her own. | |
[Footnote 1: Ordinary readers, while admiring the heavy humor of this | |
unexpected open-air episode, may wonder what on earth it has to do with | |
the the Story; but the cultivated few, understanding the ingenious | |
mechanics of novel-writing, will appreciate it as a most skilful and | |
happy device to cover the interval between the hiring of Mrs. | |
SKAMMERHORN's room, and the occupation thereof by FLORA and her late | |
teacher--another instance of what our profoundly critical American | |
journals call "artistic--elaboration." (See corresponding Chapter of | |
the original English Story.)] | |
CHAPTER XXIII. | |
GOING HOME IN THE MORNING. | |
After having thrown all his Ritualistic friends at home into a most | |
unholy and exasperated condition of mind, by a steady series of vague | |
remarks as to the extreme likelihood of their united implication in the | |
possible deed of darkness by which he has lost a broadcloth nephew and | |
an alpaca umbrella, the mournful Mr. BUMSTEAD is once more awaiting the | |
dawn in that popular retreat in Mulberry Street where he first | |
contracted his taste for cloves. The Assistant-Assessor and the Alderman | |
of the Ward are again there, tilted back against the wall in their | |
chairs; their shares in the Congressional Nominating Convention held in | |
that room earlier in the night having left them too weary for further | |
locomotion. The decanters and tumblers hurled by the Nominating | |
Convention over the question of which Irishman could drink the most to | |
be nominated, are still scattered about the floor; here and there a | |
forgotten slungshot marks the places where rival delegations have | |
confidently presented their claims for recognition; and a few | |
bullet-holes in the wall above the bar enumerate the various pauses in | |
the great debate upon the perils of the public peace from <DW64> | |
Suffrage. | |
Reclining with great ease of attitude upon an uncushioned settee, the | |
Ritualistic organist is aroused from dreamy slumber by the turning-over | |
of the pipe in his mouth, and majestically motions for the venerable | |
woman of the house to come and brush the ashes from his clothes. | |
"Wud yez have it filled again, honey?" asks the woman. "Sure, wan pipe | |
more would do ye no harrum." | |
"I'mtooshleepy," he says, dropping the pipe. | |
"An' are yez too shlapey, asthore, to talk a little bissiness wid an | |
ould woman?" she asks, insinuatingly. "Couldn't yez be afther payin' me | |
the bit av a schore I've got agin ye?" | |
Mr. BUMSTEAD opens his eyes reproachfully, and wishes to know how she | |
can dare talk about money matters to an organist who, at almost any | |
moment, may be obliged to see a Chinaman hired in his place on account | |
of cheapness? | |
"Could the haythen crayture play, thin?" she asks, wonderingly. | |
"Thairvairimitative," he tells her;--"Cookwashiron' n' eatbirdsnests." | |
"An' vote would they, honey?" | |
"Yesh--'f course--thairvairimitative, I tell y'," snarls he: | |
"do'tcheapzdirt." | |
"Is it vote chaper they would, the haythen naygurs, than daycint, | |
hardworkin' white min?" she asks, excitedly. | |
"Yesh. Chinesecheaplabor," he says, bitterly. | |
"Och, hone!" cries the woman, in anguish; "and f'hat's the poor to do | |
then, honey?" | |
"Gowest; go'nfarm!" sobs Mr. BUMSTEAD, shedding tears. "I'd go m'self if | |
a-hadn't lost dear-er-rerelative.--Nephew'n' umbrella." | |
"Saint PAYTHER! an' f'hat's that?" | |
"EDWINS!" cries the unhappy organist, starting to his feet with a wild | |
reel. "Th' pride of'suncle'sheart! I see 'm now, | |
in'sh'fectionatemanhood, with whalebone ribs, made 'f alpaca, | |
andyetsoyoung. 'Help me!' hiccries; 'PENDRAGON'sash'nate'n me!' | |
hiccries--and I go!" | |
While uttering this extraordinary burst of feeling, he has advanced | |
towards the door in a kind of demoniac can-can, and, at its close, | |
abruptly darts into the street and frantically makes off. | |
"The cross of the holy fathers!" ejaculates the woman, momentarily | |
bewildered by this sudden termination of the scene. Then a new | |
expression comes swiftly over her face, and she adds, in a different | |
tone, "Odether-nodether, but it's coonin' as a fox he is, and it's off | |
he's gone again widout payin' me the schore! Sure, but I'll follow him, | |
if it's to the wurruld's ind, and see f'hat he is and where he is." | |
Thus it happens that she reaches Bumsteadville almost as soon as the | |
Ritualistic organist, and, following him to his boarding-house, | |
encounters Mr. TRACEY CLEWS upon the steps. | |
"Well, now!" calls that gentleman, as she looks inquiringly at him, "who | |
do you want?" | |
"Him as just passed in, your Honor." | |
"Mr. BUMSTEAD?" | |
"Ah. Where does he play the organ?" | |
"In St. Cow's Church, down yonder. Mass at seven o'clock, and he'll be | |
there in half an hour." | |
"It's there I'll be, thin," mumbles the woman; "and bad luck to it that | |
I didn't know before; whin I came to ax him for me schore, and might | |
have gone home widout a cint but for a good lad named EDDY who gave me a | |
sthamp.--The same EDDY, I'm thinkin', that I've heard him mutter about | |
in his shlape at my shebang in town, whin he came there on political | |
business." | |
After a start and a pause, Mr. CLEWS repeats his information concerning | |
the Ritualistic church, and then cautiously follows the woman as she | |
goes thither. | |
Unconscious of the remarkable female figure intently watching him from | |
under a corner of the gallery, and occasionally shaking a fist at him, | |
Mr. BUMSTEAD attends to the musical part of the service with as much | |
artistic accuracy as a hasty head-bath and a glass of soda-water are | |
capable of securing. The worshippers are too busy with risings, | |
kneelings, bowings, and miscellaneous devout gymnastics, to heed his | |
casual imperfections, and his headache makes him fiercely indifferent to | |
what any one else may think. | |
Coming out of the athletic edifice, Mr. CLEWS comes upon the woman | |
again, who seems excited. | |
"Well?" he says. | |
"Sure he saw me in time to shlip out of a back dure," she returns, | |
savagely; "but it's shtrait to his boording-house I'm going afther him, | |
the spalpeen." | |
Again Mr. TRACEY CLEWS follows her; but this time he allows her to go up | |
to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S room, while he turns into his own apartment where his | |
breakfast awaits him. "I can make a chalk mark for the trail I've struck | |
to-day," he says; and then thoughtfully attacks the meal upon the | |
table.[2] | |
(_To be Continued._) | |
[Footnote 2: At this point, the English original of this Adaptation--the | |
"Mystery of EDWIN DROOD"--breaks off forever.] | |
* * * * * | |
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. | |
Nilsson has come; and, sad to say, has brought dissension and discord | |
with her. Not that there is any discord in her matchless voice, but | |
there is a vast amount of wrangling as to her precise merits. Do you | |
doubt this? Then come with me in my light Fourth Avenue car, while the | |
stars are bright and the sky is blue, (this is an adaptation of a once | |
popular love-song by Dr. WATTS,) and we will go to Steinway Hall to hear | |
the Improved Swedish Nightingale, and feast our eyes on STRAKOSCH'S | |
flowers. | |
We pass up the steep staircase--with many misgivings as to our ankles, | |
if we belong to the sex which considers the possession of those | |
anatomical features a fact to be carefully concealed, provided they are | |
not symmetrical. We pass the door-keeper, who, as is the custom of his | |
kind, frowns malignantly at us, and evidently asks himself--"How much | |
longer can I refrain from tearing up the tickets of these impudent | |
pleasure-seekers, and throwing the pieces in their infamously contented | |
countenances?" We gain the hall, and are sent to the inevitable "other | |
aisle," by the usher, (by the way, why is it that one always gets into | |
the wrong aisle, only to be ignominiously ordered to the opposite side | |
of the house?) and we finally turn various illegal occupants out of our | |
seats, and begin to fan ourselves in fervid anticipation of the coming | |
musical treat. A buzz of conversation is everywhere going on. Did any | |
one ever notice the curious fact that a middle-aged man and woman can | |
converse at a theatre or concert room without either one finding any | |
difficulty in hearing what the other says, while no young man can make | |
his accompanying young lady hear a single word unless his mouth is in | |
close proximity to her ear? This singular state of things is doubtless | |
due to the peculiar acoustical properties of public buildings. We | |
manage, however, to hear a good deal of both young and middle-aged | |
conversation, of the following improving type. | |
RURAL PERSON. "I've heard most everybody that's sung in our Philadelphy | |
opera house, and some of 'em are pretty hard to beat. NILSSON may beat | |
'em, you know. Mind, now, I don't say she won't, but she's got a mighty | |
hard row to hoe." | |
CRITIC. _(Who sent for seats for his eight sisters and their | |
friends--but who did not get them.)_ "There comes the Scandinavian | |
Society--fifty Irishmen at fifty cents a head. Did you see the flowers | |
piled up in the lobby? MAX paid seven hundred dollars for the lot." | |
YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! I wish you wouldn't look at that fellow across the | |
way. You know how your own darling loves you, and--" | |
YOUNG LADY. "Hush! Don't bother. Here comes VIEUXTEMPS." | |
VIEUXTEMPS plays, and the audience listens with the air of people who | |
are dreadfully bored, but are afraid to show it. He disappears with an | |
amount of applause carefully graduated so as to express enthusiasm | |
without the desire for hearing him again. The Rural Person remarks that | |
"he doesn't think much of fiddlers anyhow. Give him a trombone, or a | |
banjo, for his money." | |
MR. WEHLI then trifles with the piano. Him, too, the audience politely | |
endure, but plainly do not appreciate. They have come to hear NILSSON, | |
and feel outraged at having to hear anybody else. A cornet solo by the | |
Angel GABRIEL himself would be secretly regarded as undoubtedly | |
artistic, but certainly a little out of place. | |
CHORUS OF RIVAL PIANO-MAKERS. "What a wretched instrument that poor | |
fellow is made to play upon. Nobody can produce any effect on a STEINWAY | |
piano. It's good for nothing but for boarding-school practice." | |
CRITIC, (who knows Mr. STEINWAY.) "Anybody can please people by playing | |
on a STEINWAY. I defy WEHLI or any other man to play badly on such a | |
superb instrument as that." | |
YOUNG MAN. "Dearest! Do you remember the day when you gave me one of | |
your hair-pins? I have worn it next my--" | |
YOUNG LADY. "Oh, don't bother. NILSSON is just going to sing." | |
And she does sing, with that voice so matchless in its perfect purity, | |
that even the disappointed critic grows uneasy as he tries in vain to | |
find some reasonable fault with it. She ceases, and amid wild cheers | |
from the paying part of the audience, silent approval from the | |
deadheads, and shouts of "Hooroo!" and "Begorra!" from the Scandinavian | |
Society, MAX'S flowers are brought in solemn procession up the aisle, | |
and laid at the feet of the Improved Nightingale. | |
CRITIC. "Those flowers will just be taken out of the back door, and | |
brought in again to be used the second time. There's a hand-cart waiting | |
for them now, at the Fifteenth Street entrance." | |
SIX PRIME DONNE, _(who were not asked to sing at the NILSSON concerts.)_ | |
"Well, did you ever hear 'Angels Ever Bright' sung in a more atrocious | |
style? If that is NILSSON's idea of expression, the sooner she leaves | |
the stage to artists, the better." | |
CYNICAL OLD MUSICIAN. "Bah! NILSSON infuses religious sentiment into her | |
singing, and these envious creatures don't know what religious sentiment | |
is, so they think she is all wrong. If she had sung HANDEL with a smile, | |
and a coquettish tossing of her head, they would still have hated her, | |
but they would not have ventured to call her "inartistic."" | |
YOUNG MAN. "Darling! I had rather hear your sweet voice, than listen to | |
NILSSON or a choir of angels for the rest of my--" | |
YOUNG LADY. "CHARLES, you will drive me wild, with your intolerable | |
spooniness. I'll never come out with you again. See how the SMITH girls | |
are looking at you." | |
RURAL PERSON. "--So I says to the usher, 'If you think I'm a countryman | |
who don't know what's what, you're everlastingly sold.' 'I'm from | |
Philadelphy,' says I, 'and we've got singers there that can knock spots | |
out of your NILLOGGS and KELSONS and the rest of 'em.' So he just--" | |
RIVAL MANAGER. "My tear fellow, you shust mind dis. MAX vill lose all | |
his monish. NILSSON can't sing, my tear! She vanted me to encage her a | |
year ago, but I vouldn't do it. Dere ish no monish in her, now you mind | |
vot I says." | |
DISTINGUISHED TEACHER. "You call her an artist! Why, look here, if one | |
of my scholars were to phrase as wretchedly as she does, I'd never show | |
my face in public again. Her voice is so-so, but her school is simply | |
infamous." | |
CELEBRATED TEACHER. "Well, I don't mind saying that I never heard her | |
equal in point of quality of voice. She gives you pure tone, which is | |
what hardly any other singer does." | |
NINE TENTHS OF THE AUDIENCE. "She is perfectly lovely. There never was | |
anybody like her." | |
CONNOISSEUR, _(who really does know something about music, but who | |
actually has no prejudices.)_ "Her voice is such a one as MARGARET must | |
have had when she sang by her spinning-wheel, before fate threw her in | |
the way of FAUST. And these professional musicians will tear her | |
reputation to pieces among themselves! Why should musical people be, of | |
all others, most fond of discord?" | |
CRITIC. "There! those fools are determined to make her sing again. I | |
can't stand this. I'll see MAX once more, and if he don't do the right | |
thing, I'll say that NILSSON was played out in Europe before she came | |
here, and that she is a complete failure." | |
YOUNG MAN, "Sweetest! may I ask you one question?" | |
YOUNG LADY. "No, you shan't. Will you keep quiet? Everybody is looking | |
at you." | |
EVERYBODY. "Sh! sh! sh!" | |
NILSSON sings again. As her delicious notes die out in the thunder of | |
applause, I make my way out of the Hall, into the clear and silent | |
night. For not even the witchery of VIEUXTEMPS'S violin is fit to mate | |
in memory with the peerless tones of NILSSON. | |
Here I meant to do some fine writing, but as this is PUNCHINELLO, and | |
not the "Easy Chair" of Harper's Magazine, I conquer the temptation. | |
Wherefore I accept the gratitude of my readers, and sign myself | |
MATADOR. | |
* * * * * | |
Congestion at "The Sun." | |
PUNCHINELLO is pained to know that the circulation of his bewitching | |
contemporary, _The Sun_, is daily growing more and more languid. | |
Paralysis has set in, and the patient but seldom has the energy to | |
dictate the daily bulletin giving the state of his circulation. | |
* * * * * | |
Only a Suggestion. | |
It will be bad enough for the Prussian Cavalrymen to water their horses | |
in the Seine, but if they go to driving their stakes in the Bois de | |
Boulogne, won't the Parisians think it looks a little like running | |
things into the ground? | |
* * * * * | |
OUR MASTERS OF ART. | |
MR. PUNCHINELLO: The knights of the pencil and easel, having returned | |
from their usual visits to their summer haunts, and having exchanged the | |
blue skies and grassy vales of Nature for the smoky ceilings and dirty | |
floors of Art, (I believe that is the proper way to commence this kind | |
of an article,) your correspondent has visited a number of them, and has | |
obtained authentic accounts of their present occupations, and has also | |
been permitted to make slight sketches of some of their principal works. | |
BIERSTADT, as usual, is painting Yos. Having entirely exhausted the Yo | |
Semite, he is now at work on a grand picture of a Southdown Ewe, and | |
will soon commence a view of his studio,--at sunrise. He well deserves | |
his title of the Yeoman of Art. | |
JAMES HAMILTON, of Philadelphia, is painting a sunset. It may not be | |
generally known, but it is a fact, that he paints the sun every time it | |
sets. The following sketch will give a good idea of his next great | |
picture. The nails are inserted in the sun to keep it from going down | |
any further, and spoiling the scene. | |
[Illustration] | |
WILLIAM T. RICHARDS, of the same city, is hard at work on a picture | |
which is intended to represent, to the life, water in motion; a | |
specialty which he has lately adopted. It is entitled "A Scene on the | |
Barbary Coast; Water in Motion, Steamer in the Distance." The subjoined | |
sketch represents the general plan of the picture. | |
[Illustration] | |
Still another Philadelphia artist, Mr. ROTHERMEL, is very busy at a | |
great work. He is putting the finishing-touches to his vast painting of | |
the Battle of Gettysburg. On this enormous canvas may be seen correct | |
likenesses of all the principal generals, colonels, captains, majors, | |
first and second lieutenants, sergeant-majors, sergeants, corporals and | |
high privates who were engaged in that battle; and by the consummate | |
skill of the artist, each one of them, to the great gratification of | |
himself and his family, is placed prominently in the foreground. Such | |
distinguished success should meet appropriate reward, and it is now | |
rumored that the artist will soon be commissioned by Congress to paint | |
for the Rotunda of the Capitol a grand picture of our late civil war, | |
with all the incidents of that struggle, upon one canvas. | |
Of the artists who affect the "shaded wood," we learn that Mr. HENNESSY, | |
now absent in Europe, is drawing another "Booth." Whether this is | |
intended particularly for "Every Saturday," I cannot say, but I suppose | |
it will answer for any other week-day. At any rate, here is his last | |
"Booth." | |
[Illustration] | |
NAST is at work on a series of sarcastic pictures illustrating the | |
miseries of France. Most of them show how LOUIS NAPOLEON ought to finish | |
up his career and dynasty. In fact, should this gifted artist ever | |
travel among Bonapartists, he will certainly be hunted down in an | |
astounding manner, and the populace, adopting American customs, will | |
probably congregate to see him astride a rail. Two of his smaller | |
studies are very interesting. One of them, called "An Astray," is simply | |
a ray of black light; and another, intended for the contemplation of | |
persons who desire light and airy pictures, is simply a portrait of | |
himself, entitled "A Nasturtium." | |
The well-known Miss EDMONIA LEWIS has been exhibiting her statue of | |
"HAGAR," in Chicago. As HAGAR was the first woman who suffered anything | |
like divorce, Chicago is a capital place for her statue, and Miss LEWIS | |
evidently knows what she is about. Her name reminds me that our great | |
landscapist, LEWIS, is at work on a picture which he calls "A Scene in | |
France after a Reign." This little sketch will give an idea of the | |
painting. | |
[Illustration] | |
Most of our other artists are also worthily engaged, but time, (I | |
believe that is the regular way to end an article of this kind) will not | |
permit present mention of them. | |
EFARES. | |
* * * * * | |
HAM AND EGGS. | |
War always brings with it its signs and portents. A hen somewhere in | |
Virginia, according to a local paper, has lately produced an egg on the | |
white of which the word "War" was plainly written in black letters. Now, | |
when we consider that the career of LOUIS NAPOLEON was more or less | |
influenced by Ham, there is something very significant in the advent of | |
this providential egg; nor should we be surprised to learn, ere long, | |
that the same hen had laid another egg, this time with a Prussian yolk. | |
* * * * * | |
Eheu! Strasbourg. | |
Reading an old traveller's description of the famous Cathedral of | |
Strasbourg, we note that he dwells particularly on its "fretted | |
windows." | |
Ah! yes. They have much to fret about, now, have these old windows; and | |
that makes us think whether the _larmiers_ of the roof over them do not | |
run real tears. | |
* * * * * | |
"Lo" Cunning. | |
The cunning of the red Indian of the Plains. | |
* * * * * | |
PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. | |
A gaunt, tall, spectacled creature, gender feminine, number singular, | |
person first, case always possessive, that's the standard bearer; a | |
broomstick from the top of which floats a petticoat, that's the | |
standard. Under that standard march in the U.S. at least 20,000,000 | |
feminines, and--horrible to relate--gal children are on the increase. | |
Certainly the devil must have invented petticoats. After EVE had | |
finished up that little apple job, she went into the petticoat business, | |
and--hence all our tears. Instantly petticoat government became a | |
possibility. Then, as her daughters became wiser, they invented the | |
weeping business, the swooning business, and the curtain lecture | |
business; they went for our pocket-books and they got them, and | |
petticoat government became a probability. Not satisfied with the | |
pocket-books, they are now going for the business by means of which we | |
fill the books, and oh, what a hankering they have for public pap! They | |
stick to the curtain lecture business, but now they do it before the | |
curtain. Alas, petticoat government is now a certainty! | |
It's all very well for you to talk about the grandeur of the governments | |
of BOADICEA, and ELIZABETH and CATHERINE, but I don't believe that BOA, | |
or LIZZY, or KATE would have been very nice as a companion, if she and | |
you were sitting before the fire, and she wanted stamps and was going | |
for them as a matter of business. Besides, there was only one of them at | |
a time, and they didn't trouble common people much, but in this | |
enlightened nineteenth century I have seen a poor, miserable, six foot | |
dry-goods clerk turned out of a retail store by a strapping little | |
female, who couldn't jump a counter worth shucks. I have seen him in his | |
misery industriously study "What I Know About Farming," squat on a farm | |
in the West, and bring himself, his wife, and four miserable offshoots | |
to the alms-house by endeavoring to apply the rules set down in "What I | |
Know About Farming" to 160 acres of land. I have seen the poor, | |
half-paid type-setters strike for their altars, their sires, and more | |
wages, and I have seen a troop of petticoats, with gal children inside | |
them, trot into the type-setter's place, so that the miserable | |
compositors were compelled to return and starve on four or five dollars | |
a day. That's petticoat government with a vengeance. Putting your nose | |
to the grindstone isn't nice at any time, but it's awful when the gal | |
children turn. | |
But that is only the beginning. They have struck for bigger things. In | |
the expressive language of the immortal JOHNNY MILTON, they are going | |
for the whole hog. They want to vote; some of them have been caught | |
repeating already; they want to sit on juries, and they want to go to | |
Congress. Heaven forbid that any of them should ever reach the House of | |
Representatives! Imagine the size of the _Congressional Globe_ if we | |
should send women there! Why, there would be as great a dearth of paper | |
in Washington as there is now in Paris. They want to shave you, dress | |
you, doctor you into your coffins, preach a funeral discourse over your | |
remains, and then take your will into the Surrogate's Court and fight | |
over the little property they have left you. | |
They say all this means that they are our equals, and intend to show it. | |
Listen. In a town some hundreds of miles distant there is a law firm | |
whose sign reads thus: | |
MRS. SMITH _and husband_. | |
Shades of our forefathers! Ghost of BLUEBEARD! Spirit of HENRY VIII! can | |
this thing be? Imagine old LABAN'S daughter starting in business, and | |
hanging out a sign something like this: | |
+-------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| MRS. JACOB _and husband, | | |
| Having large orders from the West_, | | |
| SOLICIT CUSTOM. | | |
| N.B.--Gentlemen attended to by Mr. JACOB. | | |
| _The Original Mrs_. JACOB. | | |
| | | |
+-------------------------------------------+ | |
Don't you suppose that JACOB, if he had found that sign over his | |
doorstep, would have raised a row, and if he had been overcome, don't | |
you suppose he would have wondered what he served those seven years for? | |
Oh, young man, sitting by the side of that dainty damsel, looking so | |
spoonily into her deep blue eyes, playing so daintily with her golden | |
curls, sucking honey so frequently from her ruby lips, beware! _beware!_ | |
BEWARE! Remember, when she wants stamps, you can't put her off as your | |
pa did your ma. You can't say, "Business is awful dull," because she'll | |
do the business, and make you her book-keeper or porter or something of | |
that sort | |
Petticoat government is all very well for those who like it. Some men go | |
through life playing a sort of insane tag, in which, first their | |
mothers' petticoats, and then their wives', are hunk, and they never | |
leave hunk. As for me, give me trouser government, or give me a first | |
class funeral procession with me for the corpse. | |
Brethren, listen! Give me your ears! (the big ones first.) This thing | |
must be stopped _now_. Let us form an association for the suppression of | |
women, or a society for the prevention of cruelty to men. There is but | |
one way to cure this thing. Far out on the Western prairies dwells the | |
only sensible man on this continent. In the city ruled by him a man may | |
come home as tired as gin can make him, and his wife opens not her | |
mouth; he may jump over as many counters as he pleases, and none of his | |
wives will desire to go and do likewise. There she is the weaker vessel, | |
and it takes so many of her to equal one man, that she is kept in a | |
proper state of subjection. That's the secret; marry her a good deal. | |
The old maids are the ones who start the rows. Let them all be married | |
to some one man of a peaceable, loving, quiet disposition--say WENDELL | |
PHILLIPS. Let the President, if necessary, issue his proclamation making | |
the United States one vast Utah, and let us all be Young. | |
LOT. | |
* * * * * | |
RAMBLINGS. | |
BY MOSE SKINNER. | |
MR. PUNCHINELLO: If I should tell you that I particularly excelled in | |
writing verses you'd hardly believe me. But such is the fact. I've sent | |
poem after poem to all the first-class magazines in the country, which, | |
if they'd been published, would have enabled me to pay my debts, and | |
start new accounts from Maine to Georgia. But they've never been | |
published--and why? It's jealousy. A child with half an eye can see | |
that. Those boss poets who get the big salaries, probably see my verses, | |
and pay the publishers a big price not to print 'em. | |
How little the public know of the inside workings of these things! | |
I'm disgusted with this trickery, and am going to shut right down on the | |
whole thing. Oh! they may howl, but not another line do they get! | |
I'm going into the song business. That's something that isn't overdone. | |
I composed a perfect little gem lately. It is called "Lines on the death | |
of a child." I chose this subject because it is comparatively new. A few | |
have attempted it, but they betray a crudeness and lack of pathos | |
painful to witness. | |
Whether I have supplied that deficiency or not is for the public, not | |
me, to judge. But if the public, or any other man, be he male or female, | |
thinks that by ribaldry and derision I can be induced to publish the | |
whole of this work before it's copyrighted, they're mistaken. The salt | |
that's going on the tail of this particular fowl ain't ripe yet. | |
It's going to be set to music and it'll probably hatch a song. I called | |
on a publisher last week about it. | |
"Don't you think," said I, "that it'll take 'em by storm?" | |
"Worse than that," he replied. "It's a reg'lar _line_ gale." | |
I knew he'd be enthusiastic about it. | |
He said he hadn't got any notes in, that would fit it just then, but be | |
expected a lot in the next steamer, and I could have my choice. He was | |
very polite, and I thanked him kindly. | |
Jealous as I am of my reputation, I am willing to stake it on this poem. | |
A man don't collect the obituary notices of one hundred infants and boil | |
'em down over a slow fire without something to be proud of, you know. | |
Here is a sample of it: | |
LINES ON THE DEATH OF A CHILD. | |
"Tell me, dear mother, | |
Hast the swallows homeward flode | |
When the clock strikes nine? | |
Does our WILLIE'S spirit roam | |
In that home | |
Beyond the skies, | |
Along with LIZE? | |
Say, mother | |
Say--" | |
The other verses are, if anything, better than this. If you are anxious | |
to publish this poem entire, why not leave out the pictures and all the | |
reading matter from PUNCHINELLO for two weeks, and show the public what | |
genius, brains, and ability can accomplish, unaided? If you publish it | |
in detachments, it weakens it, you see. If the verses can't lean against | |
each other, they pine away immediately. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC TRYING TO PUT THE BIG SACHEM'S PIPE OUT. | |
_Big Sachem_. "SAY, YOUNG MAN, AIN'T YOU AFRAID YOU'LL BURN YOUR | |
BREECHES?"] | |
* * * * * | |
SARSFIELD YOUNG HAS HIS HEAD EXAMINED. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--The last time I visited a barber's shop I wanted my | |
hair trimmed. Being in somewhat of a hurry for the train, I told the | |
proprietor to cut it short. As a matter of course, I was left. As for my | |
hair, there was precious little of that left, though. Science was too | |
much for it. A hand-glass, brought to bear upon a mirror, opened up a | |
perspective of pretty much all the back country belonging to my skull, | |
that is seldom equalled outside the State Prison or the Prize Ring. | |
I was indignant. I was so mad that my hair stood on end--voluntarily. | |
The barber talked soothingly of making a discount on the bill; and I, | |
looking at it in a strictly diplomatic light, gradually permitted myself | |
to grow calmer. He went further, and did the handsome thing by me--as if | |
it wasn't enough to cut under his price! A phrenologist by profession, | |
so he said, he had resorted to barbering simply for amusement, and under | |
the circumstances he would give me a professional sitting gratuitously. | |
It has always been a cherished ambition with me to have my head surveyed | |
and staked out scientifically; SO I told him at once he might take it | |
and look it over. | |
"My friend," said I, as I gracefully described an imaginary aureole | |
about my brain factory, "you abolish the poll-tax. I grant you full | |
leave to explore." | |
This was the first time I ever had my head examined. The whole of me, it | |
is true, was once examined before a Trial Justice; but as that was years | |
ago, and it was "the other boy" that was to blame, I refrain from | |
incorporating the details into the history of our country. | |
It occurred to me that old Scissors couldn't have been much of a | |
scholar; at all events he breathed very hard for an educated man, and he | |
had a rough, muscular way of moving his fingers about my upper story, | |
that made those regions ache every time he touched them. You may fancy | |
my feelings. I certainly didn't fancy _his_. | |
For the benefit of those who come after us, (I don't refer to Sheriffs | |
and Constables, so much as I do to posterity,) I append a few results of | |
the gentleman's vigorous researches. | |
* * * | |
"There's a great deal of surface here; in fact, everybody that is | |
acquainted with this head must be struck at once with its superficial | |
contents." | |
"Thickness--obvious. Great breadth between the ears, indicating | |
longevity. You will never die of teething, or cholera infantum; nor is | |
it likely you will ever become a murderess. | |
"Forehead, large and imposing; that is, it might impose on people who | |
don't know you. | |
"Your intellect may be pronounced massive, dropsical, in fact. You have | |
brilliant talents, but your bump of cash payments is remarkably small. | |
"Locality, 20 to 30. You are always somewhere, or just going there. | |
Eventuality, 18 carat fine; absorption, 99 per cent. This means you will | |
eventually absorb a good deal of borrowed money. | |
"I find here acquisitiveness and secretiveness enough to stock an entire | |
Board of Aldermen and a Congressional Committee." | |
"Ambition, combativeness, and destructiveness are all on a colossal | |
scale. Happily they are balanced by gigantic caution, else you would be | |
in imminent danger of subverting the liberties of your country. | |
"If I owned that sanguine temperament of yours, I should proceed at once | |
to marry into President GRANT'S family, and take some foreign mission. | |
"You're a good feeder. Alimentiveness and order well developed. No man | |
better fitted to order a waiter around. From the immature condition of | |
your organ of benevolence, I shouldn't care, however, to be the waiter. | |
"Self esteem doesn't seem to have been kept back by the drought. | |
"Ideality, I discover from the depression in the S. W. corner, is | |
missing. Nature beautifully compensates this loss by making language | |
very full--more words than ideas. In profane language, I dare say, now, | |
you are particularly gifted. | |
"In one respect your head resembles that of the Father of His Country. | |
It lacks adhesiveness. So does GEORGE'S--on the postage stamps. | |
"Unlike most subjects, your organ of firmness is not confined to any one | |
spot, but is spread over the entire skull. This phenomenon is due to | |
your being what we technically call 'mule-headed'--a fine specimen | |
which--" | |
"Excuse me," said I, unwilling any longer to impose on his good nature, | |
"I feel I must make sure of that other train, so I will just trouble you | |
for that organ of firmness and the rest of them. I never travel without | |
them." Then, hurrying all my phrenology into my hat, I started down the | |
street. | |
I wonder he didn't say something about my memory's being below | |
par--somehow I quite forgot to pay him for shaving me. | |
Yours, without recourse, | |
SARSFIELD YOUNG. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: VERY "HARD CIDER." | |
THE PIPPINS OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY, (MESSRS. MORRISSEY, O'BRIEN, AND | |
FOX,) GETTING THEIR LAST SQUEEZE FROM GOVERNOR HOFFMAN.] | |
* * * * * | |
HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM. | |
He Strays among Sharpers, and "Sees the Elephant." | |
There's many things in the big city which pleases me, and causes us | |
_all_ to feel hily tickled over our success as a Republic. | |
At the present writin', many furrin' nations would give all their old | |
butes and shoes if, like us, they could throw their roolers overboard | |
every 4 years, and have a new deel. | |
Our institutions are, many of 'em, sound: altho' I've diskivered to my | |
sorrer, that some of the inhabitants of New York are about as | |
puselanermus a set of dead-beats which ever stood up. | |
While sojernin' here, my distinguished looks kicked up quite a sensation | |
wherever I put in an appearance. On one occasion, a man stepped up to me | |
who thought I was a banker, and richer than Creosote, and wanted me to | |
change a $100 bill. I diden't do it. Not much. No, sir-ee!--they | |
coulden't fool the old man on that ancient dodge. | |
But, friend PUNCHINELLO, to my disgust and shagrin', I must acknolidge | |
the corn, and say, I hain't quite so soon as I allers give myself credit | |
for bein', as the sekel of this letter will show. | |
Last Saturday P.M. I was a sailin' down Dye Street with my bloo cotton | |
umbreller under my arm, feelin' all so fine and so gay. | |
When near the corner of West Street I turned around just in time to see | |
a ragged boy pick up a pocket-book. | |
As the afoursaid boy started to run off, a well dressed lookin' man | |
ketched him by the cote coller. | |
"What in thunder are you about?" says the boy. | |
"That pocket-book belongs to this old gentleman," said the man, pintin' | |
to me. "I saw him drop it." | |
"No it don't, nether," said the boy, tryin' to break away, "and I want | |
yer to let go my cote coller." | |
The infatuated youth then tried his level best to jerk away, while his | |
capturer yanked and cuffed him, ontil the boy sot up a cryin'. | |
I notissed as the youth turned around that he partly opened the wallet, | |
which was chock full of greenbax. | |
A thought suddenly struck me. That 'ere boy looked as if he was depraved | |
enuff to steel the shoe-strings off'n the end of a Chinaman's cue, so | |
the Monongohalian's hair woulden't stay braided. | |
Thinks I, if the young raskel should keep that pocket-book, like as not | |
he mite buy a fashinable soot of close and enter on a new career of | |
crime, and finally fetch up as a ward polertician. | |
I must confess, that as I beheld that wallet full of bills, my mouth did | |
water rather freely, and I made up my mind, if wuss come to wusser, I | |
would not allow too much _temptashun_ to get in that boy's way. The man | |
turned to me and says: | |
"Stranger, this is your pocket-book, for I'le swear I saw you drop it." | |
What could a poor helpless old man like me do in euch a case, Mister | |
PUNCHINELLO? That man was willin' to sware that I dropped it, and I | |
larnt enuff about law, when I was Gustise of the Peece, to know I | |
coulden't swear I diden't drop it, and any court would decide agin me; | |
at the same time my hands itched to get holt of the well filled wallet. | |
I trembled all over for fear a policeman, who was standin' on the | |
opposite corner, mite come over and stick in his lip. | |
But no! like the wooden injuns before cigar stores, armed with a | |
tommyhawk and scalpin' knife, these city petroleums, bein' rather | |
slippery chaps, hain't half so savage as they look. | |
When the boy heerd the man say I owned the pocket-book he caved in, and | |
began to blubber. Said he, whimperin': | |
"Well--I--want--a--re--ward--for--findin' the--pocket-bo--hoo--ok." | |
The well dressed individual, still holdin' onto the boy, then said to | |
me: | |
"My friend, I'me a merchant, doin' bizziness on Broadway, at 4-11-44. | |
You've had a narrer escape from losin' your pocket-book. Give this rash | |
youth $50, to encourage him in bein' honest in the futer, and a glorious | |
reward awaits you. Look at me, sir!" said he, vehemently; "the turnin' | |
pint of my life was similar to this depraved youth's; but, sir! a reward | |
from a good lookin', beneverlent old gent like you, made a man of me, | |
and to-day I'me President of a Society for the _Penny-Ante_ corruption | |
of good morrils,' and there hain't a judge in the city who wouldn't give | |
me a home for the pleasure of my company." | |
Such a man, I knew, woulden't lie about seein' me drop that pocket-book. | |
I took another look at the Guardian (?) of the public peace, morrils, | |
etc., who, when he was on his _Beat_, haden't the least objection to | |
anybody else bein' on _their beat_. He wasen't lookin' our way, but was | |
star-gazin', seein' if the sines was rite for him to go and take another | |
drink. | |
"You are sure you saw me drop this wallet?" said I, addressin' the | |
President of the Penny-antee Society. | |
"I'le take my affidavy on it," said he. | |
I pulled out $50 and handed it to the boy, who handed me the pocket-book. | |
"Mrs. GREEN! Mrs. GREEN!" soliloquised I, as I walked away, feelin' as | |
rich as if I held a good fat goverment offis, "if you could only see | |
your old man now, methinks you'd feel sorry that you hid all of his | |
close one mornin' last spring, so he coulden't go and attend a barn | |
raisin'. Yes, madam, your talented husband has struck ile." | |
I stepped in a stairway to count my little fortin. I was very much | |
agitated. The wallet was soon opened; when-- | |
"Ye ministers fallen from grace, defend us!" was the first exclamation | |
which bust 4th from my lips; for I hope to be flambusticated if I hadn't | |
gone and paid $50 for a lot of brown paper, rapt up into patent medesin | |
advertisements, printed like greenbax. | |
For a few minnits I was crazier than a loon. | |
I rusht madly into the street, runnin' into an old apple woman, nockin' | |
her "gally west." | |
I quickly jumped to my feet and begun hollerin': | |
"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!" | |
The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins colected about | |
me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I could scream, "bring | |
along your stuffed wallets. The market price of brown paper is $50 an | |
ounce on call.--If you are lookin' for a greenhorn, I'me your man." | |
I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a passer by, | |
offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum. | |
Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's Office," I | |
rusht wildly in, and said to a man: | |
"Captin, I've been _litened_. If you've got such a thing as a pair of | |
apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and give me the | |
figgers." | |
I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me by the cote | |
tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer. | |
I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been swindled, and | |
asked him what I had better do. | |
"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you to take | |
the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the acc't of | |
seein' the elefant." | |
It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered, | |
specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all | |
over. | |
I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this little | |
adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't thinking she | |
will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say: | |
"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for stoppin' | |
takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the darned | |
nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and asleep." | |
Ewers, lite as a fether, | |
HIRAM GREEN, Esq., | |
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ | |
* * * * * | |
A Serious Complication. | |
The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in a | |
magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the | |
story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." Vernacularly, | |
this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think | |
why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the | |
liability of being kicked. | |
* * * * * | |
Enough Said. | |
"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the conclusion | |
that man begins as a cell." | |
"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she begin as a | |
sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?" | |
"She does," replied the doctor. | |
* * * * * | |
A Relative Question. | |
Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun come | |
within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly | |
connected? | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.] | |
* * * * * | |
A CRABBED HISTORY. | |
Most people have a peculiar fondness for crabs. A dainty succulent soft | |
shell crab, nicely cooked and well browned, tempts the eye of the | |
epicure and makes his mouth water. Even a hard shell is not to be | |
despised when no other is attainable. We eat them with great gusto, | |
thinking they are "so nice," without considering for a moment that they | |
have feelings and sentiments of their own, or are intended for any other | |
purpose than the gratification of our palate. But that is a mistake | |
which I will try to rectify in order that the _bon vivant_ may enjoy | |
hereafter the pleasures of a mental and bodily feast conjointly. | |
Most crabs are hatched from eggs, and begin life in a very small way. | |
They float round in the water, at first, without really knowing what | |
they are about. They have but little sense to start with, but after a | |
while improve and begin to strike out in a blind instinctive way, which, | |
after a few efforts, resolves itself into real genuine swimming. They | |
commence walking about the same time. Awkward straggling steps, to be | |
sure, but they get over the ground, and that is the most they care for. | |
When they are about a month old they begin to feel that life has its | |
realities, and that they must do something towards the end for which | |
they were made. The thought is faint at first, but by degrees grows | |
weightier, till at last they can stand it no longer, and, making a great | |
effort to throw off the incubus of babyhood that weighs so heavily upon | |
them, they burst open the back door of their shell and slowly creep out | |
backwards. It takes about five minutes for them to get entirely out, | |
head, legs and all, and then for a moment or two they gaze in | |
stupefaction at their old shell, amazed to find that they have, by their | |
own efforts, unaided and alone, accomplished such a wonderful change. | |
The thought is overwhelming. It fills them with pride; rejoicingly they | |
exult, and swell with gratification. This state of self-gratulation | |
lasts about twenty minutes, at the end of which time they have increased | |
their bulk to nearly double its former size, and they remain so. | |
They can't get back into the old shell now, for it won't fit them, and | |
as there is no other for them to go into, the only thing left for them | |
to do is to build another house. | |
It takes three or four days before they get fairly to work, and during | |
this time they are called soft-shell crabs. This stage is particularly | |
dangerous to the delicate creatures, for they, in their tender beauty, | |
are so attractive to hungry fishes that it is really a wonder any | |
escape. Tender, helpless, innocent and beautiful, they are almost sure | |
to be victimized and gormandized. | |
Some, however, escape the fate intended for them, and in a few days | |
begin to enjoy life in a crabbed sort of a way. Another month passes on. | |
They become restless and uneasy, and feel that it won't do to stay too | |
long in one place. They think they had better make another change, and | |
so this time, in a more self-confident manner, they pack up and move out | |
at the back door again. They are no more provident now, however, than | |
they were at first, for, after having given up the old house, they have | |
no new one to move into. They are not troubled as we are with | |
house-hunting; they are good builders, and can make one to suit | |
themselves. A wise provision of nature, for these interesting creatures | |
are really obliged monthly to go out doors to grow. | |
This state is to them doubly dangerous. Mankind they always have to | |
fear, but now they are tempting to their own race. A wicked old crab | |
goes out for a stroll. The walk gives him an appetite; he looks around | |
for something to eat and spies a younger brother just moving. | |
Treacherously be plants himself behind a stone or shell, and watches the | |
process, chuckling in his inmost stomach over the dainty meal in | |
prospect. The youthful one has just got clear of his old home and its | |
restraints, and is delighting in his freedom, when up walks the vampire, | |
strikes him a blow on his defenceless head, knocks the life out of him, | |
and then sits down to a dinner of soft-shell crab. He is an old | |
sportsman, and enjoys exceedingly the meal gained by his own prowess. | |
Dinner over, he wipes his claws on the muddy table-cloth and walks out | |
for his digestion. Off in the distance he spies a young gentleman crab | |
making love to a beautiful female. He looks at her with a discriminating | |
eye. Sees she is fair to look upon, and thinks he would like to be | |
acquainted. He makes several sideway moves in the direction, ungraceful, | |
but satisfactory to himself, and as he advances his admiration | |
increases, his courage improves; he feels almost heroic. The observant | |
lover with staring eyes perceives the advancing strides of another | |
gentleman crab, and instantly, seized with jealous fears, clasps his | |
_inamorata_ to his shelly breast with his numerous little legs, holds | |
her tightly so that she can't fall, and walks off on his hands. | |
The old cannibal observes the change of base, feels insulted at the | |
implied distrust, and resolves to have satisfaction. Increasing his | |
efforts, he soon overtakes the runaway lovers, challenges his rival by | |
giving him a dig with his claw, and tells him to "come out and show | |
himself a crab." Of course no crab of spirit is going to receive an | |
insult before his beloved and not resent it; with one painful quiver of | |
his little legs, he sets the lady crab down, and then the two amorous | |
lovers proceed to deadly combat. Love strengthens the young crab's | |
heart. Justice nerves his arm; and soon a lucky blow from the sharp claw | |
pierces in a vital part the hardened sinner, who, with a gulp, gives up | |
the contest and his life at once. | |
An exultant shout bubbles up in the water, and then the heroic defender | |
of crabbed maidenhood leads his beloved to view the remains of this | |
ravager of hard-shell rights. | |
They rejoice over the fallen adversary a while, and then, to make their | |
happiness more complete, and to prosper his wooing, the victor invites | |
his love to dine on the tender part of the victim. | |
The invitation is gladly accepted, and they enjoy a delicious meal, | |
rendered doubly tasteful from the fact that they are feasting on an | |
enemy. | |
The facts deduced from the above history prove that crabs have tastes | |
and feelings just as mankind have. They are gallant to their females; | |
never engage in combat with the weaker sex; fight and kill each other | |
when angry; love good eating, and are cannibalistic--which last habit | |
they may have learned from their ancestors of the Feejee Islands. | |
* * * * * | |
BAITED BREATH.--That of the boy who had "wums fur bait" in his mouth. | |
* * * * * | |
OCTOBER JOTTINGS. | |
Attracted by the dulcet strains of a brass band, a day or two since, | |
PUNCHINELLO ascended to the summit of the N.E. tower of his residence, | |
looking from which he beheld a target company all with crimson shirts | |
ablaze marching up the Bowery. Then, glancing over towards Long Island, | |
he observed that Nature was already assuming her russet robes, which | |
circumstance, combined with that of the target company, reminded him | |
that the shooting season had just commenced. A few hints to young | |
sportsmen, then, from so old a one as PUNCHINELLO, will not, be hopes, | |
be taken amiss--not even though, in shooting phrase, a miss is generally | |
as good as a mile. | |
Before taking the field, look well to your shooting-irons. | |
Fowling-pieces are far more apt to Get Foul while they are lying away | |
during the off season, than when they are taken out for a day's sport by | |
the fowlers. | |
On releasing your gun from its summer prison, always examine it | |
carefully, to ascertain whether it is loaded. This you can do by looking | |
down into the barrel and touching the trigger with your toe. If your | |
head is blown off, then you may be sure that the gun was loaded. | |
Otherwise not. | |
Should your gun be a breech-loader, always load it at the muzzle. This | |
will show that you know better than the man who made it, or, at least, | |
that he is no better than you. | |
If you are a novice in gunnery it will be safest for you to put the shot | |
in before the powder. By doing this you will not only provide against | |
possible accidents, but will secure for yourself the reputation of being | |
a very safe man to go out shooting with. | |
When you go out with your gun, always dress in a shootable costume. For | |
instance, if you want to bag lots of Dead Rabbits, TWEED will be the | |
best stuff you can wear--especially about November 8th, on which day you | |
will be certain to find Some Quail about the polling places. (N.B. They | |
are beginning to quail already.) | |
The best time to acquire the art of shooting flying is fly time. Always | |
carry a whiskey flask about you, so that you can practice at Swallows. | |
When you hear the drum of the ruffed grouse, steal silently through the | |
thicket and let drive in the direction of the sound. Should you bring | |
down a target company instead of a ruffed grouse, so much the better. It | |
will only be bagging ruffs of another kind, and by silencing their drums | |
you will have conferred an obligation upon humanity. | |
There is much diversity of opinion regarding the best kind of dog for | |
fowling purposes. It all depends upon what work you want your dog to do | |
for you. If you want to have birds pointed, a pointer is best for your | |
purpose. If set, a setter. But if you want a dog that will go in and | |
kill without either pointing or setting, be sure that the Iron Dog is | |
the dog for your money. You can procure one of Staunch Blood by | |
application at Police Head-Quarters. | |
Before going out for a day's sport, resolve yourself into a committee of | |
one for the preservation of choice ornithological specimens. By this we | |
do not mean that you are to set up in business as a taxidermist, but | |
that you are bound--if a true sportsman--to protect the song birds, and | |
the birds that are useful in destroying noxious vermin, and all the | |
beautiful feathered creatures that ornament our woods, and fields, and | |
parks, from the depredations of the ignorant, loutish, pestilent, | |
pernicious pot-hunter. The Sportsmen's Clubs that have been organized | |
throughout the country should be supported by every true sportsman; and | |
if you lay a thick stick vigorously across the back of the first fool | |
you see about to kill Cock Robin, you will have established a very | |
efficacious Sportsman's Club of your own, and will have earned the best | |
regards of Mr. PUNCHINELLO to boot--by which he means, if you choose, | |
that you have his leave and license to boot the fellow into the bargain. | |
* * * * * | |
MORE ABOUT CHIGNONS. | |
The chignon is coming to the front again. By this we do not mean that it | |
is worn, or likely to be worn before--in saying which the word "before" | |
is not used by us in its acceptation of previously, but in that of | |
front; although, now that we come to think of it, the _chignon_ | |
certainly has been worn before, as may be seen by consulting | |
old-fashioned prints, in which it is shown worn behind. This, to the | |
ordinary mind, may seem rather confused; and so it is; but what else | |
could you expect from a writer when he has got _chignon_ upon the brain? | |
For newspapers the _chignon_ is just now a teeming subject. Every day or | |
so somebody writes to a paper, saying that be has discovered a new kind | |
of parasite, hatched by the genial warmth of woman's nape from some | |
deleterious padding or other used in the manufacture of her _chignon_. | |
Sometimes it is vegetable stuff, sometimes animal, but it always teems | |
with pedicular creatures akin to that low and vulgar kind not usually | |
recognized in polite society. All these horrors come and and don't make | |
much difference in the _chignon_ market; but PUNCHINELLO has a new one | |
that is calculated to create a sensation--about the nape of the female | |
neck--and here it is. | |
In the beech forests of Hungary, as is well known to Danubian explorers, | |
there exists a very remarkable breed of pigs, one of their peculiarities | |
being that they are covered with wool instead of with bristles. These | |
pigs are shorn regularly every year, like sheep. Their wool, which is | |
very stiff and curly, is used for stuffing cushions and mattresses of | |
the cheap and nasty kind. Since _chignons_ have come into fashion, a | |
vast amount of pig's wool has been imported for their manufacture. By | |
microscopic investigation the wool of the Hungary pig has been found | |
swarming with _trichinae_; to a fearful extent. Now, it is easy to | |
imagine that the _trichinae_ obtained from a hungry pig must be of a | |
very insatiable and ravenous disposition, and this is but too often | |
realized by the silly wearers of the porcine _chignons_, into whose | |
brains, (when they happen to have any,) the horrible little parasites | |
worm their way in myriads, rendering their hapless victims pig-headed to | |
an extent that defies description either with pen or pencil. | |
The Pig-faced Woman exhibited some time ago in Europe was once a very | |
pretty girl, her hideous deformity being the result of wearing a | |
_chignon_ stuffed with Hungary pigs' wool. | |
In purchasing a pig _chignon_, then, the Girl of the Period had better | |
look out that she does not get "too much pork for a shilling." | |
* * * * * | |
MATCHING THE MATCHLESS. | |
Matchmaking has always been traditionally supposed to be the chief end | |
of woman. No wonder that, with the spread of the new theories of woman's | |
rights, therefore, we find them invading departments of industry which | |
were formerly supposed to be peculiarly the domain of the stronger sex. | |
We have recently seen running matches, swimming matches, rowing matches, | |
and other fancy matches, made by women. And why not? The women are wise | |
in thus preparing themselves for proficiency in the arts of primary | |
elections, ballot stuffing and the rest, incidental to untrammelled | |
suffrage. | |
In regard to this, also, it may not be amiss to suggest that this | |
passion for match-making lies at the bottom of the recent increase in | |
divorce, which so alarms some timid moralists. Certain it is that easy | |
divorce enlarges the opportunities for its gratification, and to be | |
"fancy" and "free" is no longer a charm peculiar only to "maiden | |
meditation." | |
* * * * * | |
HISTORY FACTORY. | |
Card to the Public. | |
The undersigned, having recently increased their facilities for the | |
manufacture of History upon an unusually large scale, would hereby | |
announce to their patrons and the public in general that they have | |
associated with them Messrs. VICTOR EMANUEL and General TROCHU. | |
LOUIS NAPOLEON, | |
M. BISMARCK, | |
WM. O'PRUSSIA, | |
* * * * * | |
Commercial. | |
A proof of the present great depression in the Whaling business is the | |
fact that the editor of the _Sun_ still walks about unflogged. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: HORSE-CAR AMENITIES. | |
_Conductor_. "Wanted to get off, did you?--Then why in thunder didn't | |
you say so?"] | |
* * * * * | |
THE CHOICE OF PARIS (IN AMERICA.) | |
One drink, dear friend, before we part-- | |
Before I tempt the shining sea; | |
One drink to pledge each constant heart-- | |
Yet stay, what shall the tipple be? | |
My eyes are dazed with bar-room "signs" | |
In which, I pray, shall friendship conquer? | |
Can alien I drink "native" wines? | |
Are Jew-lips Christian tipple, _mon coeur_? | |
This "cobbler"--is't a heeling drink? | |
A "smash" were surely inauspicious; | |
_Toute de-suite_, two "sours"--yet I think | |
Ah! _qu'est-ce-qui c'est!_--acetate is vicious! | |
_Garcon!_ two "skins"--the name is 'cute--- | |
You Yankees "twig" the pharmaceutical; | |
But hold! art sure the flay-vor'll suit? | |
Will it not smack too much of cuticle? | |
No, boy, no "skins." Let's try some beer, | |
A milder fluid for to-day; | |
Ottawa bring us--_c'est a dire_, | |
Some beer that keeps the 'ot away. | |
No? Well, some ale: in limpid Bass | |
We'll drown our thirst and parting grief; | |
Come drink--_arretez!_ this _must_ pass-- | |
'Twould look too much like bas-relief! | |
The hour arrives; our lips are dry; | |
What _shall_ it be? Oh, name it for me! | |
A _tasse_ of gin? I drink and fly | |
To toss upon the ocean stormy. | |
* * * * * | |
"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER." | |
Freedom of action is one of the greatest boons enjoyed by mankind in | |
modern days. Its rate of progress is encouraging, especially since the | |
Liberal Club of this city has taken it under its protection. It is a | |
very significant association, is the Liberal Club; rather iconoclastic, | |
to be sure, but only a little ahead of the times, perhaps, in that | |
respect; Some of our cherished forms of speech have already been | |
rendered obsolete by the Liberal Club. It used to be such a clincher to | |
say, when one wanted to enforce a point by indicating an impossibility, | |
"I will eat my boots unless"--etc., etc. That clincher has gone to the | |
place whither good clinchers go, forever. At a late meeting of the | |
Liberal Club, Professor VAN DER WEYDE contributed to the evening | |
collation a pudding made of an old boot. The pudding was garnished with | |
the wooden pegs that had kept the boot together, sole and body, while it | |
walked the earth. The boot-jack with which the original source of the | |
pudding used to be pulled off was also exhibited, and excited great | |
interest. It is the intention, of the Professor to subject this | |
implement to some process by which it will be resolved into farina, or | |
sawdust, and then to make a Jack Pudding of it. Many of the ladies and | |
gentlemen present partook of the boot pudding, and pronounced it | |
excellent. One lady, (a member of Sorosis, we believe,) said that she | |
thought it tasted like a pear. The Professor assured her, however, that | |
he had used but one boot in making it, not a pair. Altogether, the | |
pudding was a success. Freedom of action had been vindicated, and the | |
absurd prejudice that had hitherto prevented men from utilizing their | |
old boots as food, except in extreme cases, was shattered with one blow. | |
* * * * * | |
PANOPLY FOR OUR POLICE. | |
PUNCHINELLO felicitates the Municipal Police Force on the magnificent | |
new shields with which the manly breasts of its members are decorated. | |
Nevertheless, PUNCHINELLO considers it sheer mockery to call that a | |
shield by which nothing is shielded. A buckle might as well be called a | |
buckler as the policeman's badge a shield. Already our noble skirmishers | |
of the side-walk are fully provided for the offensive, and, considering | |
the risks run by them from the roughs, the toughs and the gruffs, it is | |
high time that they were furnished with something in the defensive line. | |
Curb-chain undershirts have been suggested, but an objection to their | |
use is that links of them are apt to be carried into the interior | |
anatomy by pistol bullets, thus introducing a surplus of iron into the | |
blood,--an accession which is apt to steel the heart of the officer thus | |
experimented on, and so render him deaf to the cries of innocence in | |
distress. PUNCHINELLO suggests, then, that the policeman's shield should | |
_be_ a shield. Let it be made sufficiently large to cover the most | |
vulnerable portion of the person, as shown in the annexed design. If | |
made of gong-metal, so much the better, as the wearer could then ring | |
out signals upon it with his locust far more effectively than by the | |
present ridiculous mode of beating up rowdydow upon the flag-stones. | |
Although our gallant Municipal Blue is never backward in facing danger, | |
yet it might be judicious for him to wear a shield upon his back as well | |
as upon his front, because it is just possible that, in case of a row, | |
his large, heavy boots might be conveying him away in a direction | |
diametrically opposite to the spot at which the shooting was going on. | |
[Illustration] | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A. T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| ARE OFFERING | | |
| | | |
| EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | | |
| | | |
| LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | | |
| FULL REGULAR MAKES, | | |
| From 25 cents per pair upward. | | |
| | | |
| ALSO, | | |
| | | |
| GENTLEMENS' HALF HOSE, | | |
| EXTRA QUALITY, 25 cents per pair upward. | | |
| | | |
| LADIES LINES OF | | |
| Ladies' and Gentlemens' | | |
| Silk and Merino Underwear. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 8th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Grand Exposition. | | |
| | | |
| A. T. STEWART & CO. | | |
| | | |
| HAVE OPENED | | |
| | | |
| A Splendid Assortment of | | |
| | | |
| PARIS MADE DRESSES, | | |
| | | |
| From Worth E Pingnet and other Celebrated | | |
| Makers | | |
| | | |
| ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | | |
| OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | | |
| | | |
| Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not | | |
| superior, to any in this city. | | |
| | | |
| Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | | |
| Eligantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | | |
| Modletes of the highest Parisian standing. | | |
| | | |
| The Prices of the Above are Extremely | | |
| Attractive. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY | | |
| | | |
| 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Extraordinary Bargains. | | |
| | | |
| A. T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| ARE OFFERING | | |
| GRAY MIXED SUITS, | | |
| MADE OF BEST QUALITY FRINGED CHEVIOT | | |
| SUITINGS, $8 EACH. | | |
| | | |
| Scotch Plaid Fringed Suits, | | |
| VERY HANDSOME, ALSO $8 EACH. | | |
| | | |
| WATERPROOF SUITS, | | |
| WITH DEEP OVERSKITS, $10 EACH. | | |
| | | |
| A LARGE STOCK OF | | |
| POPLIN ALPACA SUITS, | | |
| CHOICE SHADES OF COLOR, | | |
| From $12 each upward. | | |
| | | |
| Heavy Rich | | |
| SILK AND POPLIN SUITS, | | |
| ELEGANTLY TRIMMED, FROM $60 EACH UPWARD | | |
| | | |
| ONE CASE PARIS-MADE SUITS, | | |
| One Case Handsome Millinery, | | |
| THREE CASES CHILDREN'S | | |
| Part, and London Made | | |
| | | |
| Dresses, Suits, Robes and Underwear, | | |
| One Case Pattern Velvet and Cloth. | | |
| Cloaks, Sacques and Richly Embroidered | | |
| Breakfast Jackets, | | |
| | | |
| AT VERY ATTRACTIVE PRICES. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY | | |
| | | |
| 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS, | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | | |
| Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | | |
| Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | | |
| Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | | |
| published in America. | | |
| | | |
| CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | | |
| | | |
| Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | | |
| " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | | |
| " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | | |
| Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | | |
| CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year, and | | |
| | | |
| "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | | |
| Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $3.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | | |
| | | |
| Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | | |
| | | |
| Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $5.00 chromos | | |
| | | |
| Group of Chickens; | | |
| Group of Ducklings; | | |
| Group of Quails. | | |
| Each 10 x 12-1/8. | | |
| | | |
| The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | | |
| | | |
| The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | | |
| | | |
| Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $6.00 chromos | | |
| | | |
| The Baby in Trouble; | | |
| The Unconscious Sleeper; | | |
| The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | | |
| | | |
| Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | | |
| | | |
| The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $7.50 chromos | | |
| | | |
| Strawberries and Baskets. | | |
| | | |
| Cherries and Baskets. | | |
| | | |
| Currants. Each 13 x 18. | | |
| | | |
| Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | | |
| | | |
| Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and | | |
| | | |
| Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | | |
| price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $10 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | | |
| | | |
| Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | | |
| | | |
| Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | | |
| | | |
| Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | | |
| 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | | |
| --for $10.00 | | |
| | | |
| Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | | |
| Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | | |
| sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | | |
| otherwise ordered. | | |
| | | |
| Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | | |
| twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | | |
| advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free on receipt of | | |
| money. | | |
| | | |
| CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | | |
| given. For special terms address the Company. | | |
| | | |
| The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | | |
| seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | | |
| specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | | |
| getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: AGGRAVATING. | |
_Sidewalk Merchant_. "BUY A BUNDLE OF TOOTHPICKS, BOSS--ONLY THREE | |
CENTS." _Old Gent_. "TOOTHPICKS?--WHY, I'VE JUST BIN AND HAD MY LAST | |
TOOTH OUT!"] | |
* * * * * | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | | |
| AND | | |
| "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | | |
| | | |
| GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | | |
| | | |
| 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York. | | |
| | | |
| Execute all kinds of | | |
| PRINTING, | | |
| Furnish all kinds of | | |
| STATIONERY, | | |
| Make all kinds of | | |
| BLANK BOOKS, | | |
| Execute the finest styles of | | |
| LITHOGRAPHY | | |
| Makes the Best and Cheapest | | |
| ENVELOPES | | |
| Ever offered to the Public. | | |
| | | |
| They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | | |
|States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have | | |
| INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the | | |
| most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Travelers West and South-West | | |
| Should bear in mind that the | | |
| ERIE RAILWAY | | |
| IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | | |
| COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, | | |
| with all Lines | | |
| By Rail or River | | |
| For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, | | |
| ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | | |
| NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | | |
| And All Points South and South-west. | | |
| | | |
| Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | | |
| running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | | |
| elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | | |
| being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | | |
| every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | | |
| patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | | |
| along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | | |
| a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | | |
| of this life not to be forgotten. | | |
| | | |
| By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | | |
| 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | | |
| St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | | |
| St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | | |
| 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | | |
| travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | | |
| all the necessary information. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | | |
| | | |
| BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | | |
| | | |
| IS NOW READY. | | |
| | | |
| PRICE $2. 50. | | |
| | | |
| Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | | |
| Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S CHROMOS Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | | |
| | | |
| L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| With a large and varied experience in the management and | | |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | | |
| with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | | |
| to justify the undertaking, the | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | |
| | | |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | | |
| | | |
| Presents to the public for approval, the new | | |
| | | |
| ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | | |
| | | |
| WEEKLY PAPER, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| The first number of which was issued under | | |
| date of April 2. | | |
| | | |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | | |
| | | |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | | |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | | |
| day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | | |
| | | |
| Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | | |
| stamps are inclosed. | | |
| | | |
| TERMS: | | |
| | | |
| One copy, per year, in advance....................... $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies,......................................... .10 | | |
| | | |
| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | | |
| receipt of ten cents. | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | | |
| magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for................. 5.50 | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | | |
| | | |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, | | |
| | | |
| P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | | |
| | | |
| The New Burlesque Serial, | | |
| | | |
| Written Expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| BY | | |
| | | |
| ORPHEUS C. KERR, | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | | |
| year. | | |
| | | |
| A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | | |
| with superb illustrations of | | |
| | | |
| 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | | |
| TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | | |
| | | |
| 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | | |
| as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | | |
| same number. | | |
| | | |
| Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | | |
| this office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, | | |
| one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | | |
| | | |
| Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | | |
| serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | | |
| ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | | |
| receipt weekly. | | |
| | | |
| We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | | |
| one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | | |
| receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box 2783 | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau St., New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. | |
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 29, October | |
15, 1870, by Various | |
*** |