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Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, | |
Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team | |
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Vol 1. No. 26. | |
PUNCHINELLO | |
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1870. | |
PUBLISHED BY THE | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | |
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. | |
* * * * * | |
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, | |
By ORPHEUS C. KERR, | |
Continued in this Number. | |
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THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | |
AN ADAPTATION. | |
BY ORFHEUS C. KERR | |
CHAPTER XIX. | |
THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD. | |
The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious summer-vacation | |
having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have returned again, for a | |
time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON has gone to the city | |
and her brother, and FLORA POTTS is ridiculously and absurdly alone. | |
Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, like an | |
ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here and there | |
some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a sluggish current | |
of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic church shooting-up at | |
one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of magnified mutton. | |
Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, until some | |
of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of the Oldest | |
Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is the Warmest | |
Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some cooler nook | |
amongst the greens. More and more intolerably quivers the atmosphere of | |
the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes from beneath | |
the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house a parboiled | |
guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to turn, drifts | |
feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more dun; while, to | |
the speculative mind, each glowing field of corn, or buckwheat, is an | |
incipient Meal, and each chimney, or barn, a mere temptation to guess | |
how many Swallows there may be in it. | |
Upon the afternoon of such a day as this, Miss POTTS is informed, by a | |
servant, that Mr. BUMSTEAD has arrived, and, sending her his love, would | |
be pleased to have her come down stairs to him and bring him a fan. | |
"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't at home, you absurd thing?" cries the | |
young girl, hurriedly practicing a series of agitated looks and pensive | |
smiles before her mirror. | |
"So I did, Miss," answers the attached menial, "but he'd seen you | |
looking at him with an opera-glass as he came up the path, and said that | |
he could hear you taking a clean handkerchief out of tho drawer, on | |
purpose to receive him with, before he'd got to the door." | |
"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs FLCKA, holding | |
her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from the too pinkish | |
members. | |
After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye and the | |
scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to the | |
meteorological mania so strikingly prevalent amongst all the other | |
characters of this narrative, and says that she will receive the visitor | |
in the yard, near the pump. Then, casting carelessly over her shoulder | |
that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is complete, she | |
arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, with a garden-hat | |
hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, humming | |
un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing of one | |
wholly unprepared for company. | |
Resting an elbow upon a low iron patent-pump, near a rustic seat, the | |
Ritualistic organist, in his vast linen coat and imposing straw hat, | |
looks not unlike an eccentric garden statue, upon which some prudish | |
slave of modern conventionalities has placed the summer attire of a | |
western editor. The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him | |
irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles | |
of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more | |
than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his | |
nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits. | |
"That hurt like the mischief!" he remarks, in some anger. "I don't know | |
when I've felt anything smart so." | |
"Then don't be so horrid," returns the pensive girl, taking a seat | |
before him upon the rustic settee, and abstractedly arranging her dress | |
so that only two-thirds of a gaiter-boot can be seen. | |
Munching cloves, the aroma of which ladens the air all around him, Mr. | |
BUMSTEAD contemplates her with a calmness which would be enthralling, | |
but for the nervous twisting of his features under the torments of a | |
singularly adhesive fly. | |
"I have come, dear," he observes, slowly, "to know how soon you will be | |
ready for me to give you your next music-lesson?" | |
"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the chilling | |
answer. | |
The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head intelligently. | |
"You are right," he says, gravely, "--there _might_ be somebody | |
listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And now, how about | |
those music-lessons?" | |
"I don't want any more, thank you," says FLORA, coldly. "While we are | |
all in mourning for our poor, dear absurd EDDY, it seems like a | |
perfectly ridiculous mockery to be practicing the scales." | |
Fanning himself with his straw hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD shakes his bushy head | |
several times. "You do not discriminate sufficiently," he replies. | |
"There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon the violin, | |
fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with sentiments | |
unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, however, is | |
not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a help to the | |
intensity of judicious grief. Let me assure you, with the candor of an | |
idolized friend, that some of the saddest hours of my life have been | |
spent in teaching you to try to sing a humorous aria from DONIZETTI; and | |
the moments in which I have most sincerely regretted ever having been | |
born were those in which you have played, in my hearing, the | |
Drinking-song from _La Traviata_. Believe me, then, my devoted pupil, | |
there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a prevalence of profound | |
melancholy in your continued piano-playing; whereas, on the contrary, | |
your sudden and permanent cessation might at least surprise your friends | |
and the neighborhood into a light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of | |
the memory of that dear, missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, | |
give the love already bestowed upon me." | |
"I loved him ridiculously, absurdly, with my whole heart," cries FLORA, | |
not altogether liking what she has heard. "I'm real sorry, too, that | |
they think somebody has killed him." | |
Mr, BUMSTEAD folds his brown linen arms as he towers before her, and the | |
dark circles around his eyes appear to shrink with the intensify of his | |
gaze. | |
"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to acknowledge that our | |
last meeting with a friend, who has since mysteriously disappeared, was | |
to reject him and imply a preference for his uncle, may be calculated to | |
associate us unpleasantly with that disappearance, in the minds of the | |
censorious, and invite suspicions tending to our early cross-examination | |
by our Irish local magistrate. I do not say, of course, that you | |
actually destroyed my nephew for fear he should try to prejudice me | |
against you; but I cannot withhold my earnest approval of your judicious | |
pretence of a sentiment palpably incompatible with the shedding of the | |
blood of its departed object. If you will move your dress a little, so | |
that I can sit beside you and allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, | |
that fan will do for both of us, and we may converse in whispers." | |
"My head upon _your_ shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, staring swiftly | |
about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep my head upon my | |
own shoulders, sir." | |
"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist reminds her. | |
"If a little hair-oil and powder _does_ come off upon my coat, the | |
latter will wash, I suppose. Come, dearest, if it is our fate to never | |
get through this hot day alive, let us be sunstruck together." | |
She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins insinuating | |
along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she couldn't | |
have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his arm, and | |
seems hurt. | |
"FLORA," he says, tenderly, "how beautiful you are, especially when | |
fixed up. The more I see of yon, the less sorry I am that I have | |
concluded to be yours. All the time that my dear boy was trying to | |
induce you to relase him from his engagement, I was thinking how much | |
better you might do; yet, beyond an occasional encouraging wink, I never | |
gave the least sign of reciprocating your attachment. I did not think it | |
would be right" | |
The assertion, though superficially true, is so imperfect in its | |
delineation of habitual conduct liable to another construction, that the | |
agitated Flowerpot returns, with quick indignation, "your arm was always | |
reaching out whenever you sat in a chair anywhere near me, and whenever | |
I sang you always kept looking straight into my mouth until it tickled | |
me. You know you did, you hateful thing! Besides, it wasn't you that I | |
preferred, at all; it was--oh, it's too ridiculous to tell!" | |
In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly away from | |
him into the house, when he speaks again. | |
"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her brother such, | |
that their execution upon some Friday of next month would be a spectacle | |
to which you could give no pleased attention?" | |
"What do you mean, you absurd creature?" | |
"I mean," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, "simply this: you know my double loss. | |
You know that, upon the person of the male PENDRAGON was found an apple | |
looking and tasting like one which my nephew once had. You know, that | |
when Miss PENDRAGON went from here she wore an alpaca waist which looked | |
as though it had been exposed more than once to the rain.--See the | |
point?" | |
FLORA gives a startled look, and says: "I don't see it." | |
"Suppose," he goes on--"suppose that I go to a magistrate, and say: | |
'Judge, I voted for you, and can influence a large foreign vote for you | |
again. I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a black | |
alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not lived in | |
this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession of an apple | |
singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing relative, and his | |
sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand alpaca?'--See the | |
point now?" | |
"Mr. BUMSTEAD," exclaims FLORA, affrighted by the terrible menace of his | |
manner, "I don't any more believe that Mr. PENDRAGON is guilty than I, | |
myself, am; and as for your old umbrella--" | |
"Stop, woman!" interrupted the bereaved organist, imperiously. "Not even | |
your lips shall speak disrespectfully of my lost bone-handled friend. By | |
a chain of unanswerable argument, I have shown you that I hold the fate | |
of your southern acquaintances in my hands, and shall be particularly | |
sorry if you force me to hang Mr. PENDRAGON as a rival." | |
FLORA puts her hands to her temples, to soothe her throbbing head and | |
display a bracelet. | |
"Oh, what shall I do! I don't want anybody to be hung! It must be so | |
perfectly awful!" | |
Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. On the | |
contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly under his | |
straw hat. | |
"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I cannot induce | |
you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we are both | |
longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness myself. My | |
poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and your | |
momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was but the effect of a | |
temporary despair undoubtedly produced by my seeming coldness. That | |
coldness had nothing to do with my heart, but resulted partially from my | |
habit of wearing a wet towel on my head. I now propose to you--" | |
"Propose to me?" ejaculates Miss POTTS, with heightened color. | |
"--That you pick out a worthy man belonging to your own section of the | |
Union," he continues hastily. "Here's my Heart," he adds, going through | |
the motions of taking something from a pocket and placing it in his | |
outstretched palm, "and here's my Hand,"--placing therein an equally | |
imaginary object from another pocket.--"Try the H. and H. of J. | |
BUMSTEAD." | |
His manner is as though he were commending some patent article of | |
unquestionable utility. | |
"But I can't bear the sight of you!" she cries, pushing away the brown | |
linen arm coming after her again. | |
Taking away her fan, he pats her on the head with it, and seems | |
momentarily surprised at the hollow sound. | |
"Future Mrs. BUMSTEAD," he cheerfully replies, at last, "my observation | |
and knowledge of the women of America teach me that there never was a | |
wife going to Indiana for a divorce, who had not at first sworn to love, | |
as well as honor and obey, her husband. Such is woman that if she had | |
felt and said at the altar that she couldn't bear the sight of him, it | |
wouldn't have been in the power of masculine brutality and dissipated | |
habits to drive her from his side through all their lives. There can be | |
no better sign of our future happiness, than for you to say, beforehand, | |
that you utterly detest the man of your choice." | |
There is something terrible to the young girl in the original turn of | |
thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once turns it | |
into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a perfectly | |
dreadful power to hang everybody; he considers her strongest avowal of | |
present personal dislike the most promising indication she can give of | |
eternal future infatuation with him, and his powerful mode of reasoning | |
is more profound and composing than an article in a New York newspaper | |
on a War in Europe. Rendered dizzy by his metaphysical conversation, she | |
arises from the rustic seat, and is flying giddily into the house, when | |
he leaps athletically after her, and catches her in the doorway. | |
"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place sufficient | |
restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our engagement a | |
secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have boys calling | |
out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get married! There's | |
the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is about to make a | |
fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him of it." | |
The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a parting | |
bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up stairs to | |
her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those having | |
conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist. | |
_(To be Continued.)_ | |
* * * * * | |
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District | |
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. | |
* * * * * | |
A GOOD FIGHT. | |
We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at any rate | |
they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability. | |
But, let the number of these imparters of information be ever so great, | |
we have reason to doubt whether any other of these accomplished parties | |
has grappled with so formidable, so tremendous a subject, as that which | |
is now exciting the powerful mind of Miss LILLIAN EDGARTON. | |
She is going to do it, though! If her life is spared, and her | |
constitution remains free from blight, (both of which felicities we | |
trust will be hers,) that subject has got to come under. | |
That all may know how great is the task, and the confidence required to | |
pitch into it, we announce, with a flourish, that Miss L. E. is about to | |
attack that well-known Saurian Monster, termed GOSSIP! Considered as a | |
Disease, she proposes to find the Cause and the Cure. Considered as a | |
living and gigantic Nuisance (by far surpassing any Dragon described by | |
SPENSER,) she designs to hunt him out and slay him incontinently. | |
Courage, fair Knight! Our eldest Son is kept in reserve for some such | |
Heroine! If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect thing of | |
this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow mortals | |
longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous youth, our | |
son, go in vehemently! | |
And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to giving your | |
attention to certain relations of the monster which you propose to slay? | |
We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough old Dragons, now, | |
we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of them. | |
We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a big U! You kill little | |
Gossip, and see how quick his brothers and sisters will fall, before our | |
mighty battle-axe! | |
(And so they will fall, sure enough, but it will be simply because when | |
our dear young knight, L.E., has killed _her_ Dragon, she will have | |
wiped out the whole brood! They can't live without their sweet and | |
attractive little sister. And so, like many a bigger humbug, we shall | |
take great credit, that belongs to somebody else, and assume to have | |
done big things, at enormous expense of blood and money. Trust us, for | |
that!) | |
* * * * * | |
NAPOLEON III AT SEDAN. | |
September, 1870. | |
I _was_ an Emperor. _Voila c'est bon!_ | |
BAZAINE, MACMAHON, fought--'twas my affair. | |
Only, to please my doctor, NELATON, | |
I left the throne, to take a Sedan chair. | |
* * * * * | |
Unlimited Lie-Ability. | |
_Veritas_ writes to say that as he was crossing the ferry from Wall | |
Street to Brooklyn, yesterday afternoon, he counted 117 persons reading | |
PUNCHINELLO. He did not observe a single copy of the _Sun_ on board, | |
until the boat neared Brooklyn, when a man of squalid appearance | |
produced from a dirty newspaper some soiled articles, all of which | |
seemed to have been steeped in Lye, from contact with the sheet, which | |
proved to be the _Sun._ | |
* * * * * | |
A Con for the "Ninth." | |
What is there in common between Colonel FISK'S war-horse and a New York | |
Ice Company? | |
Both are tremendous Chargers. | |
* * * * * | |
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. | |
Here I am again, back from the seashore, to find the theatres opening, | |
the war closing, and GREELEY burning to imitate the late French Emperor, | |
by leading the Republican hosts to defeat in the Fall campaign, so as to | |
be in a position to write to the Germanically named HOFFMAN--"As I | |
cannot fall, ballot in hand, at the head of my repeaters, I surrender to | |
your victorious Excellency." | |
Being back, I went to see _Julius Caesar_ at NIBLO'S Garden. It was the | |
day when the French CAESER fell, and the impertinent soothsayer, | |
ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to beware, not of the Ides of | |
March, but of the _Idees Napoleoniennes,_ (there is a feeble attempt at | |
a pun here) obtained his liberty, and the right to assail in his | |
newspaper, the virtue of every female relative of the Imperial family. | |
Of course I know that JULIUS CAESAR was not a Frenchman--for the modesty | |
of his "Commentaries" is proverbial--and that SHAKESPEARE never so much | |
as heard of the Man of December. Nevertheless the two CAESARS were | |
inextricably mixed up in my mind. I know that two or three editorial | |
persons who sat close by me, were continually talking of NAPOLEON, and I | |
may possibly have confounded their remarks with those of the actors. | |
Still I could not divest myself of the impression that I was sometimes | |
in Paris and sometimes in Rome, and that the sepulchral voice of Mr. | |
THEODORE HAMILTON, was more often that of NAPOLEON than that of JULIUS. | |
The play presents itself to my recollection in the following shape. As I | |
said before, it was represented at the very moment that the French | |
republicans, being satisfied with the bees in their respective bonnets, | |
were obliterating the imperial bees from the doors of the Tuileries, and | |
being anxious to take arms against a sea of Prussians, were taking down | |
the imperial arms wherever they could find them. Remembering this, the | |
reader will be able to account for any slight difference in text between | |
my _Julius Caesar,_ and that of the respectable and able Mr. SHAKESPEARE. | |
ACT I.--_Enter various Irish Roman Citizens, flourishing the shillelahs | |
of the period._ | |
1ST. CITIZEN. "Here's a row. Great CAESAR is going to march to Berlin. | |
Hooray for the Hemperor." | |
1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "I grant you he was popular when the war began, | |
but to-day the people despise him." | |
CASSIUS. "I hate this CAESAR. Once he tried to swim across the British | |
Channel with a tame eagle on his shoulder, and couldn't do it. When he | |
is sick he takes anti-bilious pills, like any other man. Obviously he | |
don't deserve to live." | |
CASCA. (_Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend to be | |
discontented_.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the windows | |
of Paris." | |
BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should never throw | |
glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds oracular, and | |
will make people think I am a profound philosopher." | |
EDITORIAL PERSON. "What I say is this. He, CAESAR, governed the Roman | |
rabble vastly better than they deserved. His only mistakes were, in not | |
sending CASSIUS, who was a sort of ROCHEFORT, without ROCHEFORT'S | |
cowardice, to the galleys, and in not sending BRUTUS as Minister to some | |
capital so dreary that he would have shot himself as soon as he reached | |
his destination." | |
ACT II.--_Enter_ BRUTUS _and fellow radicals._ | |
BRUTUS. "I have no complaint against CAESAR, and I therefore gladly join | |
your noble band of assassins. We will kill him and establish a | |
provisional government with myself at its head. CAESAR is ambitious, and | |
I hate ambition. All I want is to be the ruler of Rome." | |
CASSIUS. "Come, my brave fellows. Haste to the stabbing. Away! Away!" | |
EDITORIAL PERSON. "What a farce is history. Here are PUMBLECHOOK, BRUTUS | |
and JOHN WILKES CASSIUS held up as models of excellence and integrity. | |
What did they and their fellow scoundrels do after they had killed | |
CAESAR, but desolate their country with civil war?" | |
ACT III.--_Enter_ ASSASSINS _headed by_ BRUTUS _and_ GAMBETTA, CASSIUS | |
_and_ ROCHEFORT. | |
CASSIUS. "Here is CAESAR with his back toward us, fighting the German's | |
hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he can help himself." _(They | |
stab him.)_ | |
CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his | |
furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix | |
everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a | |
staff from the New York _Sun,_ who will make it more scurrilous than | |
ever." | |
_Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for_ CAESAR." | |
CASSIUS. "Hush. CAESAR is dead, and we are going to proclaim a republic. | |
Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let you smash some | |
windows presently." | |
POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult his wife | |
and smash everything generally." | |
1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted for him. | |
To-day they insult him--it being safe to do so--and to-morrow they will | |
want him back again." | |
2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest nephew of his | |
uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was unscrupulous, I | |
admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear MARK ANTONY | |
praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of ROCHEFORT and | |
BRUTUS, and their gang?" | |
1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but I can't | |
wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the new | |
republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The American | |
people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice seen the | |
French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of them." | |
2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at NIBLO'S." | |
1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT rants like a | |
raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the rest are so so." | |
And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played on the | |
Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see the | |
prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to | |
grief, and the empire is reestablished. We shall read all about it in | |
the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can listen | |
calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama of the | |
century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed from the | |
firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself hoarse as the | |
best preparations for holding the fairest of cities against the | |
resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE. | |
MATADOR. | |
* * * * * | |
Insurrectionary. | |
PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been forwarded to | |
Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and struck with the | |
disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty labor in that sunny | |
isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. | |
ANTHONY, he can raise a Revolution in New York City, at any time, | |
for ten cents. Let those whom it may concern take heed. | |
* * * * * | |
Bluff King Bill. | |
L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of Prussia, off | |
from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new illustration | |
of "footing the Bill." | |
* * * * * | |
Query. | |
As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been abolished, | |
will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-_suet_-ude? | |
* * * * * | |
A Seasonable Conundrum. | |
Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? | |
Because it has just got rid of its Census. | |
* * * * * | |
A Suggestion. | |
In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not Colonel | |
JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF THE WAR. | |
A Sketch In the Bowery. | |
_Small Frenchman._ "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY VEN YOU PASS?" | |
_Big German._ "WANTS TO FIGHT?--DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?" | |
_Small Frenchman._ "NO--BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE BLACK EYE!"] | |
* * * * * | |
BY GEORGE! | |
LAKE GEORGE, August 30. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would be the | |
last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for want of | |
proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors out of | |
suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay that I | |
consider Lake George a success. | |
Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat gratified | |
to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was in drove | |
up. | |
It was a sort of delicate attention, you know. | |
I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon since | |
then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time. | |
The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every respect. It | |
is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the French | |
troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges. | |
Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that sort of | |
thing. | |
Perhaps not! | |
Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police Courts, | |
five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs. | |
The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they do put a | |
little too much mint in them, I must say. | |
L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern | |
conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but | |
its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its | |
belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them--both Adirondacks. | |
Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its neighbor, | |
Champlain. | |
Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is therefore | |
particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view the | |
scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a | |
dinner at the other end. | |
The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout Pavillion," | |
principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the immense number of | |
pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is unquestionably a | |
good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed Proprietor turns up | |
jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one. | |
The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three Sisters" | |
Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are precisely | |
_four_ of them. | |
I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk. | |
This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me that these | |
islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one occasionally | |
got "soaked." | |
This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man says he was | |
born here, I suppose he knows. | |
This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green Island and | |
asked me if I wouldn't like to live there. | |
He said he thought it would just suit me. | |
The attention of these people is really delightful. | |
Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, for | |
instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows why it | |
was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either. | |
He wanted to know if I had ever dined there. | |
I always make it a point to get on the right side of these Steamboat | |
fellows, always. | |
About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain. | |
A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there. | |
That may have had something to do with its name. | |
Nobody ever goes there now. | |
People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is noted for | |
something very extraordinary in the Echo line. | |
It has what is called a "Double Echo." | |
I fully expected something of this kind. | |
Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is those | |
unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four sixes, it | |
is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering place | |
echo. | |
I consider them "_holler_ mockeries." | |
Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the | |
opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as | |
follows: | |
First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with. | |
This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in duplicate as | |
usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the other in fair | |
French. | |
I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled. | |
Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated very | |
creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This it | |
made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original | |
variations in the chorus. | |
But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S Soliloquy. | |
From the wooded <DW72> on our right came the familiar "_To be_" of BOOTH, | |
while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely rendered | |
imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same. | |
This staggered me! | |
I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy of the | |
Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know about | |
Farming." | |
_That settled him!_ | |
He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath right out of | |
him! | |
The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a leaver. | |
But then you see he had held the office a good while. | |
He hasn't left the business to any one, either. | |
In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The | |
sign is down. | |
In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some account of the | |
celebrated "Roger's Slide." | |
SAGINAW DODD. | |
[_To be continued._] | |
* * * * * | |
RAMBLINGS. | |
BY MOSE SKINNER. | |
POPULARITY. | |
Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It is achieved | |
by three classes--those who have brains, those who have money, and those | |
who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy it; and the third | |
stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an engineer just in time | |
to prevent the train from dashing over a precipice, or by chopping off | |
somebody's head with a meat axe and burning the remains up afterwards, | |
in which case the next day's paper gives a faithful account of their | |
pedigree, and their photograph can be purchased at any respectable | |
news-dealers, at a price within reach of all. | |
The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down to | |
posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and | |
hung up in the spare-bedroom. | |
It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on hand, with a | |
view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to state, in | |
confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of anything that | |
sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the low price of one | |
dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and original, and embraces | |
such gems as--"Don't give up the ship," "Such is Life," "How's this for | |
high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves nine," &c., &c. | |
I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at a moderate | |
compensation. | |
General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. His "Let us | |
have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody ever thought of | |
it before. "I propose to move on your works immediately, if it takes all | |
summer," was also a happy thought. | |
When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they made | |
gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be called | |
deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, coming from a | |
man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not surprising that | |
something of this sort went the rounds: | |
"We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT, | |
during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was | |
gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in | |
Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few | |
words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point." | |
At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" but the | |
reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't intended | |
for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his saying | |
anything else. | |
If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His opinions must | |
go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than anybody's | |
else. Thus--from a daily paper: | |
"The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently said in a private | |
conversation, that the present war would probably end in | |
victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon." | |
Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an eating | |
saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, four were | |
reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in breathless haste | |
and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. SMITH looked when he | |
said it, and if he said it as though he really meant it, and in a manner | |
that thrilled his listeners. | |
But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. MONTGOMERY | |
has--though it may be a little mildewed. | |
Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. It was a | |
masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it inserted in a | |
popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I could easily | |
have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus achieved. | |
But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of heading it "The | |
Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE GREELEY." I said "By | |
MOSE SKINNER." | |
I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon after | |
retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope. | |
MORAL SUASION. | |
A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates the | |
following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which this | |
wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning at | |
breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his wife | |
and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of the | |
scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having previously, | |
with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese knife. | |
I will now quote my friends' own words: | |
"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and | |
utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good people had | |
visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest | |
impression upon him. | |
"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch this man's | |
heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal | |
ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his | |
mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows that | |
what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life. | |
"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave | |
me power to cope with this relentless disposition. | |
"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged | |
manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for | |
his well being. | |
"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable | |
pathos into my voice, I said: | |
"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time when you | |
sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?" | |
"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow contracted and his | |
lips twitched convulsively." | |
"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I continued, "she | |
kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a--" | |
"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot under ground | |
afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth chap that's | |
tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he added with a | |
malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give the old man a | |
chance, jest for a change?" | |
"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the | |
man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six | |
respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid | |
the hysteric weeps of three more in the background." | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: PRACTICAL. | |
_Housewife._ "VAKE YOU UP, HANS--HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY." | |
_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER | |
BRUSSIAN BIER."] | |
* * * * * | |
Hot and Cold. | |
The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of | |
an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be | |
without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping | |
us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: NOT JUST YET! | |
_Mr. Greeley._ "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN'T ON ANY | |
ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc. | |
_Mr. Woodford._ "No! NO!--TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING | |
I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc. | |
_Governor Hoffman._ "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: I SHALL | |
PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, YET."] | |
* * * * * | |
COMIC ZOOLOGY. | |
Genus, Phoca.--The Seal. | |
This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing members of | |
the Phocidae family. The word seal is derived, radically, from the | |
German _Siegel,_ so that to say a man has "fought mit SIEGEL," is | |
equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a harmless and timid seal. | |
The Phocidae, without distinction of sex, are known as Mammafers, | |
although it would manifestly be more correct to call the males Papafers. | |
Under the present classification, the confusion of genders necessarily | |
engenders confusion. | |
Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an ear, | |
wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to sport | |
is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb beasts in | |
general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. The false | |
seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. To the | |
counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe in the | |
Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in the | |
Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in | |
caverns, and their Hides are much sought after. | |
Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New | |
Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the | |
sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as | |
regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with sealing | |
is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the universal | |
passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the old men | |
act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation. | |
The Phocidae appear to have attracted the attention of Mankind at a very | |
early period--Seals being frequently spoken of in the Scriptures. St. | |
JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven varieties, and must | |
have been well acquainted with their internal structure. | |
The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable numbers on | |
the British coast, and the Great Seal of England--only to be found in | |
the vicinity of the Thames--is of such remarkable size and weight, that | |
it never makes its appearance without producing a strong Impression. | |
The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to Madeira, and | |
seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity to the | |
British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious. | |
None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. They may | |
readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick properly applied | |
has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the space of half an hour. | |
KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and they never attempt to | |
defend themselves, according to PANEY. | |
In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals cover the | |
coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a glimpse of | |
them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, which darken | |
the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the Arctic zephyrs | |
disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of the timid | |
creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by looking in a | |
Se(a)ward direction. | |
* * * * * | |
A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT. | |
The _Free (and Easy) Press_ has honored PUNCHINELLO with a brief as well | |
as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by being thus | |
noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and well | |
sustained popularity of the _Free (and Easy) Press_, it pains | |
PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that he is | |
not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is true--but it | |
is to the end of his First Volume, as the _F. (and E.) Press_ can see by | |
turning to the admirably written, dashing, humorous, and absolutely | |
unsurpassable Index appended to our present number, which Index | |
PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of the _F. (and E.) | |
Press_. The Preface to his Second Volume, however, which is now in | |
preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently assures the _F. (and E.) | |
Press_, be altogether superior to the Index to his First. Let the _F. | |
(and E.) Press_ look out for it. But, meanwhile, the _F. (and E.) Press_ | |
can cheer itself by frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage | |
who serves as tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that | |
familiar and suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly | |
understood by the _F. (and E.) Press_, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully | |
appreciated. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: "HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT | |
FALL." | |
AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T HAVE BEEN SO | |
BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT IS QUITE | |
CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.] | |
* * * * * | |
HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET. | |
His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.--A few Words of Sound | |
Advice from the Squire. | |
Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of Wall Street | |
brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech afore the | |
members of their church, whose _Sin_-agog is situated in Brod Street. | |
Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the Golden Calf, | |
Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, me thunk my | |
chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as Sisters | |
WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72. | |
Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the appinted | |
hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em: | |
My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen: | |
As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as Gustise | |
of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, to say | |
nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an hily | |
intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any politikle | |
alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, like the | |
old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them through a | |
patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your victims in | |
a hily clawed up stait. | |
Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, so as to | |
avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S novel | |
Lothere, _I have no refference to_ T. GOLDWIN SMITH _whatsomever_, as I | |
believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth with | |
a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something tangible | |
to rest his timber on. | |
My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de bet all | |
the money I can borrer on it. | |
With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of chance are | |
"entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote from a familiar | |
passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the Perfesser could have | |
raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of you chaps can gobble up | |
a greenhorn. | |
And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would be a darned | |
site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, instead of | |
daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise H----, | |
well--excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers. | |
How do you manage, when you want to make a steak? | |
You run up stocks and produce a crysis. | |
Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they can rake | |
and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the bubble, | |
when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and about Wall | |
Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART chopped off the | |
heads off all the first born. Instances have been known, where a good | |
many of you chaps have rammed your head in the Tiger's mouth once too | |
often. | |
If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you perambulate | |
off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said Tigers walked | |
off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, you all jined in | |
the follerin' him: | |
Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho', | |
From which lame ducks are driven, | |
"Up in a balloon they allers go, | |
To Tophet, not to Heaven." | |
Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to keel off K. | |
VANDERBILT. | |
What did you do t'other day? | |
Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards for _keeps_, | |
up at Saratogy, some poor deluded _money_-maniac telegrafs that the | |
Commodore had at last found his match, and had been gathered to his | |
fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged the name of my | |
friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the _Troy Times_, who, up to the | |
present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin into the hiway | |
robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends and feller | |
citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet. | |
When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, like a | |
great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of legal | |
tender, which is in suckin' distance. | |
For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. I ones | |
thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old heart, but | |
as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the Bulls and | |
Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the follerin' | |
_Jew de spree_: | |
Come rest on this buzzum, | |
Oh! butiful broker, | |
With your arms clinchin' tite, | |
This innercent choker. | |
I'le stand it from thee, | |
If you'll never go near, | |
The Bulls and the Bears, | |
When HIRAM is here. | |
(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a little | |
breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and looked so | |
bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw stuns at K. | |
VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.) | |
I agin resoomed: | |
My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few partin' | |
words of advice. | |
Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it hits the | |
hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A good many | |
little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up by your | |
confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and chuckle like | |
the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky distilleries. | |
But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily peck by | |
smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have got to say | |
is, that next time you've got a _sure thing_ to make a speck, by | |
telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and takin' a hand | |
in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the means of | |
betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In concloosion, | |
feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, I will close | |
with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its inhabitants: | |
"Imperious SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla, | |
Mite stop a hole to keep the wind away;" | |
Onless from Wall Street, was blowin' raw. | |
The tempestous breezes, from a broker's flaw. | |
Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, where Wall | |
Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down. | |
Ewers, without a dowt, | |
HIRAM GREEN, Esq., | |
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ | |
* * * * * | |
Stage By-play. | |
A sporting paper gives the following item: | |
"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the Olympic | |
theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball at the | |
Union base-ball grounds, last week." | |
Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK VAN | |
BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on the | |
short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second base. | |
The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have made | |
them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all pretty sure | |
to be caught out in the "flies." | |
* * * * * | |
Professional. | |
"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball was the | |
subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but I know | |
of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and it is | |
called Strychnine." | |
* * * * * | |
A FECULENT NUISANCE. | |
Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman Streets, | |
for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly assailed by | |
a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of Health, the | |
foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 Nassau Street. | |
Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance arose from a | |
quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one JAMES O'BRIEN, | |
for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the entire concern | |
is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, for conversion | |
into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the cheapest kind of | |
rush-lights. | |
* * * * * | |
The Greatest Joke of the Season. | |
The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor of the City | |
of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: "IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME | |
TO GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE | |
FIZZLED."--_(Letter from a War Correspondent.)_] | |
* * * * * | |
PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT." | |
MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in Science. | |
When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for | |
Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the | |
objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I obtained (despite | |
the frequent closing of my visual organs) considerable Insight into | |
Physical Science in the course of numerous pugilistic encounters. A | |
close Application to Optics at that time enabled me to get some Light on | |
the Subject. | |
I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned infant I | |
made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning to walk | |
frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful telescope. | |
Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently experimented on the | |
Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely | |
difficult to make both ends meet. | |
Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called | |
scientific, as many who pretend to be _Savants_, I determined to attend | |
the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My reception was most | |
gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned | |
body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the | |
members by its distinguished head. | |
Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were exceedingly | |
profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to what an extent | |
theory may be carried in the advance of science. | |
Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper--carefully compiled from | |
various sources--on the Steam Engine, in the course of which he stated | |
that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first steamboat that | |
ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great Earthquake of 1811, | |
was still living. Also, that his godfather, the celebrated Mr. | |
NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of science) in pulling | |
down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. The importance of | |
these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they will undoubtedly give | |
a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science. | |
Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an address on | |
Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of Ancient | |
Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their formation. The | |
audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the immense | |
learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony silence, | |
only interrupted by an occasional snore. | |
A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by Professor | |
M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved conclusively | |
that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very little Light on | |
any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in Meters, and is the | |
author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so much attention in | |
the scientific world. | |
Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of Tallow upon | |
Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears that the | |
Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and unfavorable to the | |
action of rust. | |
A member was of the opinion that this important discovery might be | |
turned to great practical advantage, as the application of cart grease | |
to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary motion of the | |
wheels. | |
This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of applause, | |
and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to the | |
distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten. | |
Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, which he said | |
would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in 1878. It may | |
possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty of Medicine are | |
said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel. | |
The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting disquisition on the | |
Oyster, which was divided into sections and literally devoured by the | |
audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of Conchs, which were regular | |
Sneezers in point of size. | |
An announcement which was made by the distinguished Astronomer, | |
Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation. | |
He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had discovered an | |
immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that he had also | |
observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish the features | |
of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES STEPHENS, the | |
missing Fenian Head Centre. | |
When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had | |
subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows: | |
"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound | |
gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent | |
addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of Science is | |
an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished _savants_ as | |
I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of | |
learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary | |
text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables | |
them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through | |
an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination | |
which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous | |
plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, | |
when the bag is open. | |
As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to | |
contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of | |
Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of | |
'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) | |
"the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything | |
to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of | |
straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants and | |
Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the | |
Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some Reflections | |
on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, | |
as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with the | |
Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'" | |
I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I | |
had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar | |
sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on | |
investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In | |
short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. | |
Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, | |
that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them | |
published, and to send you a copy of each. | |
Profoundly yours, | |
CHINCAPIN. | |
* * * * * | |
Pearing Time. | |
We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in | |
blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before | |
been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go | |
pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor? | |
* * * * * | |
INDEX | |
A. | |
About a Clock | |
Advice to Picnic Parties | |
Aerated Verbiage | |
Agricultural Column, Our | |
Albany Cock Robins | |
Allurements of the Period | |
All Aboard for Holland | |
All Hail | |
American Cutlery in France | |
Answers to Correspondents | |
Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All? | |
Astronomical Conversations | |
Associated Press Telegrams | |
Augean Job, An | |
B. | |
Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The | |
Bachelor's Moving Day, The | |
Bad "Odor" in the West | |
Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten | |
"Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c. | |
Beautiful Snow | |
Bit of Natural History, A | |
Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The | |
Bingham on Rome | |
Blocks and Blockheads | |
Book Notices | |
Boyhood | |
Bow-Wow! | |
Broadbrim to Aborigine | |
Business | |
By George | |
C. | |
Cause and Effect | |
Captain Hall, To | |
Cable News | |
Caution | |
Cats, On | |
Card of Thanks, A | |
Chat about Railroads, A | |
Chance for our Organ Grinders, A | |
Charge of the Ninth Brigade | |
Chinopathy | |
China Pattern, A | |
Chincapin at Long Branch | |
Chincapin among the Free Lovers | |
Church Militant | |
Cincinnatus Sweeny | |
Condensed Congress | |
Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy | |
Cons, by a Wrecker | |
Comic Zoology | |
Congressman to his Critics, A | |
Consistent League, A | |
Coup d'etat, My | |
Correspondence Bureau | |
Contemporary Sentiments | |
Conversion of the "_Sun_" | |
Cool, if not Comfortable | |
Troopa Fought Nobly, The | |
Criticism of the Period | |
Critical Intelligence | |
Crispin _vs_. Coolie | |
Current Tables | |
CARTOONS--March 4, 1869--March 4, 1870 | |
Our Efficient Navy Department | |
The Descent of the great Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies | |
The Great National Game | |
Financial Belief | |
The Sick Eagle | |
The Financial Inquisition | |
Editorial Washing Day in New York | |
The New Plea for Murder | |
International Yachting | |
The Wedding Ring as Sorosis would like to see it | |
The Blood Money | |
"What I Know About Farming" | |
The Wedding Ring again | |
Modern Matrimony | |
Yan-ki _vs_. Yankee | |
The New Pandora's Box | |
Lncifer's Little Game with his Royal Puppets | |
Death of the "Entente Cordial" | |
Wonderful Tour de Force | |
The Ovation of Murder | |
Law _versus_ Lawlessness | |
What Will He Do With It? | |
At the Saratoga Convention | |
Humpty Dumpty | |
D. | |
Depressions for Chicago | |
Delights of Dougherty, The | |
Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers | |
Distinguished Visitor, A | |
Dorgs, On | |
Dogs Tale, A | |
Down the Bay | |
Drainage under Difficulties | |
Dreadful State of Things out West, The | |
Dubious English | |
Dwarf Dejected, The | |
E. | |
Earthly Paradise | |
Editorial Washing Day | |
Elevated Statesmanship | |
England's Quandry | |
Episode of Jack Horner | |
Excellent Old Song Made New, An | |
Excelsior | |
F. | |
Fable | |
Ferocity of Failure, The | |
Female Gentleman, The | |
Fifteenth Amendment | |
Finances, On the | |
Fish Sauce | |
Fine Arts in Philadelphia | |
Fiscalities | |
Fish Culture | |
Fishery Question, The | |
Financial | |
Financial Article, Our | |
Four Seasons, The | |
Forty-four to Fourteen | |
Foreign Correspondence | |
Foam | |
Free Baths, The | |
From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter | |
Fun and Fin | |
G. | |
Gay Young Joker, A | |
George Francis the Ubiquitous | |
Glimpses of Fortune | |
Gossip in a School-house | |
Good for Something Better | |
Gravestones For Sale | |
Grant's Blackbird pie | |
Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort | |
Greeley on Bailey | |
Great Canal Enterprise, The | |
Great African Tea Company, The | |
Greek Meeting Greek | |
H. | |
Habits of Great Men | |
Hamlet from a Rural Point | |
Hall and Hayes | |
H. G. and Terpsichore | |
Hints for the Family | |
High and Low Church | |
Hints upon High Art | |
Hints to Car Conductors | |
Hints for Those Who Will Take Them | |
Hints for the Census | |
High Notes by our Musical Critic | |
Hiram Green at Saratoga | |
Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel | |
Hiram Green on the Chinese | |
Hiram Green Experience as an Editor | |
Hiram Green writes to Napoleon | |
Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes | |
Hiram Green at the Female Convention | |
Hiram Green on Base Ball | |
Hiram Green among the Fat men | |
Hiram Green to Napoleon | |
Hiram Green in Wall Street | |
How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull | |
Horticultural Hints | |
Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The | |
Homodeification | |
Hyperborean | |
I. | |
Idiomatic Items | |
Important to Publishers | |
Indian, The | |
Interesting to Bone Boilers | |
Interior Illumination | |
Indian Question, The | |
Information Wanted | |
Inspiration vs. Perspiration | |
Items from our Rural Reporters | |
J | |
Joys of Summer, The | |
Jottings from Washington | |
Jumbles | |
Jupiter Bellicosus | |
K | |
Kellogg Testimonials, The | |
King Oakey, the First | |
King Craft Looking Up | |
L | |
Latest from Washington | |
Latest News Items | |
Latest about "Lo." | |
Letter from a Friend | |
Letter of Advice, A | |
Letter from a Japanese Student | |
Letter from a Croaker, A | |
Leaven of Leavenworth | |
Literary Vampire | |
Lines by a Hapless Swain | |
Long Shot, A | |
"Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs | |
Love in a Boarding-House | |
Lucus a non, etc | |
M | |
Mariner's Wrongs, The | |
Marriage Market in Rome, The | |
Maine Question in Massachusetts | |
Marine Mixture, A | |
Managers of Railroads, To | |
Medical Miss, A | |
Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the | |
Mercantile Library Association | |
Mind your P's and Q's | |
Miseries of a Handsome Man | |
Motley Melody, A | |
Municipal Competition | |
Murphy the Conqueror | |
Mythology, Of | |
Mystery of Mr. E. Drood. | |
Mythology, Further of | |
Mythology, More | |
N | |
National Taxidermy | |
Napoleon's Latest Manifesto | |
Natural Mistake, A | |
New Conglomerate Pavement | |
New England to New York | |
New Railway Project, A | |
New "Process", The | |
Ninety-nine in the Shade | |
Nothing like Leather | |
Notary's Protest, A | |
Nought for Nought | |
Now We Shall Have It | |
Notes from Chicago | |
Now's your Chance | |
Note from the Orchestra | |
O | |
Ode to the Missing Collector | |
Old Bailey Practitioner, An | |
Old Boy to the Young Ones, An | |
Old Saws Re-set | |
Old Iron | |
Olive Logan | |
Opinions of the Press | |
Orange Peel, Etcetera | |
Origin of the Mississippi | |
Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of | |
Organizing an Organ | |
Origin of Punchinello | |
O, that air! | |
Our Future | |
Out of the Streets | |
Our Literary Legate | |
Our Cuban Telegrams | |
Our Explosives | |
P | |
Patriotic Adoration | |
Pat to the Question | |
Parable About the 12th of July | |
Pardonable Solicitude | |
Perennius AEre | |
Periodical Literature | |
Philadelvings | |
Plays and Shows | |
Please the Pigs | |
Plea for Protection | |
Pluckily Patriotic, Still | |
Poems of the Cradle | |
Popularity, Our | |
Political Claptrap | |
Police Report, Our | |
Possible "Why" of it, The | |
Portfolio, Our | |
Prospectus | |
Pump, The | |
Punchinello's New Charter | |
Punchinello in Wall Street | |
Punchinello's Lyrics | |
Punchinello and the Aldermen | |
Punchinello on the Jury | |
Punchinello Is Sorry | |
Punchinello's Vacations | |
Punchinello as a "Savan" | |
Q | |
Query | |
R | |
Raising Cain | |
Rather Mixed | |
Rather Flashy Idea, A | |
Ramblings | |
Real Estate of Woman, The | |
Religious Amusements | |
Remonstrance, A | |
Religion of Temperance | |
Receipe to be Tested | |
Reform in Juvenile Literature | |
Rejuvenated France | |
Right and Left | |
Robins, The | |
Romaunt of the Oyster | |
Rose by any other Name, A | |
Roar from Niagara, A | |
Romance of a Rich Young Man | |
S | |
Sailing Directions, &c | |
Science Forever | |
Seasonable Parody, A | |
Several Unsavory Renderings | |
Ship Ahoy! | |
Sic Semper Epluribus, &c | |
Sorosian Impromptu, A | |
Song of the Returned Soldier | |
Song of the New Babel | |
Song of the Red Cloud | |
Song of the Chicago Lawyer | |
Song of the Mosquito | |
Society, &c | |
Spencerian Chaff | |
Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats | |
Spring Fever | |
Spirit of the Navy | |
Standard Literature | |
Stridor Pentium | |
Summer on the Catskills | |
Summer at Sandy Point | |
T | |
Taking a Senator's Measure | |
Take Care of the Wounded | |
Temperance Song | |
That Indian Talk | |
Thiers, Idle Thiers | |
Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus | |
Titans | |
"Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The | |
To Our Readers | |
Traveller's Tales | |
Treatment for Potato Bugs | |
Truly Noble | |
Tutti Tremando | |
Turkish Bath, My | |
U | |
Ulyss, To | |
Umbrella, The | |
Uncle Samuel | |
Universockdology | |
Urbs in Rure | |
V | |
V.H. to Punchinello | |
Visit to "Sheridan's Ride" | |
Voice from the Hub | |
Voice of the Turtle, The | |
Vultures Call, The | |
W | |
Wanted, a Sheriff | |
War, The | |
Wat Cum Snecst | |
Way to Become Great, The | |
Weather Prophecies for May | |
Western Nomenclature | |
What the Press is Expected to Say | |
What I Know About Free Trade | |
What I Know About Protection | |
What Is It | |
What Sigerson Says | |
What Shall We Call It? | |
Why is it so Dry? | |
Woman, Past and Present | |
Women's Rights Again | |
Woman in Wall Street | |
Woman in the Census | |
Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet | |
Words and their Abases | |
Wrong Mouth | |
Wringer of the Future | |
Y | |
Y.M.C.A. | |
* * * * * | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A. T. Stewart& Co. | | |
| | | |
| Have opened | | |
| | | |
| AN IMMENSE STOCK OF | | |
| | | |
| SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| For | | |
| | | |
| STREET AND EVENING DRESSES, | | |
| | | |
| At $2 per yard, | | |
| | | |
| Recently sold at $4 and $5. | | |
| | | |
| A LARGE LINE OF | | |
| | | |
| STRIPED SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| FRESH GOODS | | |
| | | |
| $1 to $1.50 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | | |
| | | |
| IN | | |
| | | |
| BLACK SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| From $1.25 per yard upward. | | |
| | | |
| Plain and Plaid Poplins, | | |
| Satins de Chine, | | |
| Empress Cloths, | | |
| Royal Velvets, | | |
| Serges, etc. | | |
| | | |
| Customers, strangers, and the public are respectfully | | |
| requested to examine. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A.T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| Have largely replenished all their | | |
| | | |
| Popular Stocks of | | |
| | | |
| DRESS GOODS, | | |
| | | |
| Etc., Etc. | | |
| | | |
| WITH GOODS WHICH | | |
| | | |
| For Quality, Style and Prices, | | |
| | | |
| CANNOT BE EXCELLED, | | |
| | | |
| and respectfully request purchasers | | |
| | | |
| To Examine the Same, | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4th Avenue, 9th and 10 Streets | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | | |
| | | |
| IN | | |
| | | |
| CARPETS. | | |
| | | |
| 100 Pieces Five-Frame | | |
| | | |
| ENGLISH BRUSSELS, | | |
| | | |
| Reduced to $1.75 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| 200 Pieces do., Greater part Confined Styles, Reduced | | |
| to $2 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| Very Best Quality | | |
| | | |
| ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS | | |
| | | |
| $1.30 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| FRENCH MOQUETTES | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| AXMINSTERS | | |
| | | |
| $3.50 and $4 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| ROYAL WILTONS, | | |
| | | |
| Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| CROSSLEY'S VELVETS, | | |
| | | |
| Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys. | | |
| | | |
| English and Domestic | | |
| | | |
| OILCLOTHS, RUGS, | | |
| | | |
| MATS, ETC., | | |
| | | |
| At extremely low prices | | |
| | | |
| A.T. STEWART & Co. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | | |
| Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | | |
| Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | | |
| Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | | |
| published in America. | | |
| | | |
| CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | | |
| | | |
| Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | | |
| " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | | |
| " " three months, " " 1.00 | | |
| Single copies mailed free, for .10 | | |
| | | |
| We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | | |
| CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year, and | | |
| | | |
| "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | | |
| Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $3.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | | |
| Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | | |
| Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $5.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Group of Chickens; | | |
| Group of Ducklings; | | |
| Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | | |
| The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | | |
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| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $6.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | | |
| Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | | |
| Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | | |
| The Kid's Play Ground. ll x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $7.50 chromos | | |
| | | |
| Strawberries and Baskets. | | |
| Cherries and Baskets. | | |
| Currants. Each 13 x 18. | | |
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| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | | |
| (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $10 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | | |
| Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | | |
| Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | | |
| Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | | |
| 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | | |
| for $10.00 | | |
| | | |
| Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | | |
| Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | | |
| sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | | |
| otherwise ordered. | | |
| | | |
| Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | | |
| twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | | |
| advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | | |
| money. | | |
| | | |
| CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | | |
| given. For special terms address the Company. | | |
| | | |
| The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | | |
| seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | | |
| specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | | |
| getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box 2783. | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
[Illustration: THE WIFE'S WINDFALL. | |
_Smith (who had forgetfully left his pocket-book on the piano, last | |
night.)_ "HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING THIS MORNING, ANGELINA?" | |
_Angelina._ "O! YES, DEAR, THANKS--AND I'VE ORDERED A NEW PIANO STOOL, | |
SOME LACE CURTAINS, AND--SUCH A LOVE OF A BONNET!"] | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| "The Printing House of the United States." | | |
| | | |
| GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | | |
| | | |
| General JOB PRINTERS, | | |
| BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | | |
| STATIONERS. Wholesale and Retail. | | |
| LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | | |
| COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | | |
| ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | | |
| FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | | |
| | | |
| 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | | |
| 73, 75, 77, and 79 FINE ST., New York. | | |
| | | |
| ADVANTAGES.--All at the same premises, and under | | |
| immediate supervision of the proprietors. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | | |
| | | |
| will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | | |
| prepared | | |
| | | |
| COMBINATION EXCURSION or Round Trip Tickets, | | |
| | | |
| Valid during the the entire season, and embracing | | |
| Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | | |
| Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | | |
| Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | | |
| all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | | |
| Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | | |
| rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | | |
| the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | | |
| region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | | |
| Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | | |
| Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | | |
| Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | | |
| foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | | |
| Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | | |
| hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | | |
| well as all the necessary information. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | | |
| "Chas. Dickens." | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | | |
| | | |
| L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| With a large and varied experience in the management and | | |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | | |
| with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | | |
| to justify the undertaking, the | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | |
| | | |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | | |
| | | |
| Presents to the public for approval, the new | | |
| | | |
| ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | | |
| | | |
| WEEKLY PAPER, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | | |
| | | |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | | |
| | | |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | | |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | | |
| day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | | |
| Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | | |
| stamps are included. | | |
| | | |
| TERMS: | | |
| | | |
| One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies ........................................ .10 | | |
| | | |
| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | | |
| cents. | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | | |
| or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for $7.00 | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, | | |
| | | |
| P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | | |
| | | |
| The New Burlesque Serial, | | |
| | | |
| Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| BY | | |
| | | |
| OEPHEUS C. KERR, | | |
| | | |
| Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | | |
| year. | | |
| | | |
| A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | | |
| with superb illustrations of | | |
| | | |
| 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | | |
| TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | | |
| | | |
| 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | | |
| as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | | |
| same number. | | |
| | | |
| Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | | |
| office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | | |
| copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | | |
| | | |
| Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | | |
| serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | | |
| ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | | |
| receipt weekly. | | |
| | | |
| We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | | |
| who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | | |
| receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | | |
| | | |
| P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
* * * * * | |
GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. | |
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September | |
24, 1870, by Various | |
*** |