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Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, | |
Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. | |
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Vol. I. No. 24. | |
PUNCHINELLO | |
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1870. | |
PUBLISHED BY THE | |
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83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. | |
* * * * * | |
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, | |
By ORPHEUS C. KERR, | |
Continued in this Number. | |
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THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | |
AN ADAPTATION. | |
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. | |
CHAPTER XVII. | |
INSURANCE AND ASSURANCE. | |
Six months had come and gone and done it; the weather was as | |
inordinately hot as it had before been intolerably cold; and the | |
Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON stood waiting, in the gorgeous Office of the | |
Boreal Life Insurance Company, New York, for the appearance of Mr. | |
MELANCTHON SCHENCK. | |
Having been directed by a superb young clerk, who parted his hair in the | |
middle, to "just stand out of the passage-way and amuse yourself with | |
one of our Schedules for awhile," until the great life-Agent should come | |
in, the Gospeler read a few schedulistic pages, proving, that if a | |
person had his life Insured at the age of Thirty, and paid his premiums | |
regularly until he was Eighty-five, the cost to him and profit to the | |
Company would, probably, be much more than the amount he had insured | |
for. It must, then, be evident to him, that, upon his death, at Ninety, | |
the Company would have received, in all, sufficient funds from him to | |
pay the full amount of his Policy to the lady whom he had always | |
introduced as his wife, and still retain enough to declare a handsome | |
Dividend for itself. Such was the sound business-principle upon which | |
the Boreal was conducted; and the merest child must perceive, that only | |
the extremely unlikely coincidence of at least four insurers all dying | |
before Eighty-five could endanger the solvency of the beneficent | |
institution.--Having mastered this convincing argument, and become | |
greatly confused by its plausibility, Mr. SIMPSON next gave some | |
attention to what was going on around him in the Office, and allowed his | |
overwrought mind to relax cheerfully in contemplation thereof. One of | |
human nature's peculiarities was quite amusingly exemplified in the | |
different treatment accorded to callers who were "safe risks," and to | |
those who were not. Thus, the whisper of "Here comes old Tubercles, | |
again!" was prevalent amongst the clerks upon the entrance of a very | |
thin, narrow-chested old gentleman, whom they informed, with | |
considerable humor, that he was only wasting hours which should be spent | |
with a spiritual adviser, in his useless attempts to take out a Policy | |
in _that_ office. The Boreal couldn't insure men who ought to be upon | |
their dying beds instead of coughing around Insurance offices. Ha, ha, | |
ha! Another gentleman, florid of countenance and absolutely without | |
neck, was quickly checked in the act of giving his name at one of the | |
desks; one clerk desiring another clerk to look, under the head of "A.," | |
in his book, for "_Apoplexy_," and let this man see that we can't take | |
such a risk as he is on any terms. A third caller, who really looked | |
quite healthy except around the eyes, was also assured that he need not | |
call again--"Because, you see," explained the clerkly wag, "it's no go | |
for you to try to play your BRIGHT'S Disease on _us!_" When, however, | |
the applicant was a robustious, long-necked, fresh individual, he was | |
almost lifted from his feet in the rush of obliging young Boreals to | |
show him into the room of the Medical Examiner; and when, now and then, | |
an agent, or an insurance-broker, came dragging in, by the collar, some | |
Safe Risk, just captured, there was an actual contest to see who should | |
be most polite to the panting but healthy stranger, and obtain his | |
private biography for the consideration of the Company. | |
The Reverend OCTAVIUS studied these sprightly little scenes with | |
unspeakable interest until the arrival of Mr. SCHENCK, and then followed | |
that popular benefactor into his private office with the air of a man | |
who had gained a heightened admiration for his species. | |
"So you have come to your senses at last!" said Mr. SCHENCK, hastily | |
drawing his visitor toward a window in the side-room to which they had | |
retired. "Let me look at your tongue, sir." | |
"What do you mean?" asked the Gospeler, endeavoring to draw back. | |
"I mean what I say. Let--me--see--your--tongue.--Or, stop!" said Mr. | |
SCHENCK, seized with a new thought, "I may as well examine your general | |
organization first." And, flying at the astounded Ritualistic clergyman, | |
he had sounded his lungs, caused a sharp pain in his liver, and felt his | |
pulse, before the latter could phrase an intelligent protest. | |
"You may die at any moment, and probably will," concluded Mr. SCHENCK, | |
thoughtfully; "but still, on the score of friendship, we'll give you a | |
Policy for a reasonable amount, and take the chance of being able to | |
compromise with your mother on a certain per centage after the funeral." | |
"I don't want any of your plagued policies!" exclaimed the irritated | |
Gospeler, pushing away the hand striving to feel his pulse again. | |
"As you have expressed a desire to resign the guardianship of your | |
wards, Mr. and Miss PENDRAGON, and I have agreed to accept it, my | |
purpose in calling here is to obtain such statement of your account with | |
those young people as you may be disposed to render." | |
"Ah!" returned the other, in sullen disappointment. "That is all, eh? | |
Allow me to inform you, then, that I have cancelled the Boreal policies | |
which have been granted to the Murderer and his sister; and allow me | |
also to remark, that a dying clergyman like yourself might employ his | |
last moments better than encouraging a Southern destroyer of human | |
life." | |
"I do not, cannot believe that MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON is guilty," said Mr. | |
SIMPSON, firmly. "Having his full confidence, and thoroughly knowing his | |
nature, I am sure of his innocence, let appearances be what they may. | |
Consequently, it is my determination to befriend him." | |
"And you will not have your life insured?" | |
"I will not, sir. Please stop bothering me." | |
"And you call yourself a clergyman!" cried Mr. SCHENCK, with intense | |
scorn. "You pretend to be a Ritualistic spiritual guide; you champion | |
people who slay the innocent and steal devout men's umbrellas; and yet | |
you do not scruple to leave your own high-church Mother entirely without | |
provision at your death.--In such a case," continued the speaker, | |
rising, while his manner grew ferocious with determination--"in such a | |
case, all other arguments having failed, my duty is plain. Yon shall not | |
leave this room, sir, until you have promised to take out a Boreal | |
Policy." | |
He started, as he spoke, for the door of the private-office, intending | |
to lock it and remove the key; but the unhappy Ritualist, fathoming his | |
design, was there before him, and tore open the door for his own speedy | |
egress. | |
"Mr. SCHENCK," observed the Gospeler, turning and pausing in the | |
doorway, "you allow your business-energy to violate all the most | |
delicate amenities of private life, and will yet drive some maddened | |
mortal to such resentful use of pistol, knife, or poker, as your | |
mourning family shall sincerely deplore. The articles on Free Trade and | |
Protection in the daily papers have hitherto been regarded as the climax | |
of all that utterly wearies the long-suffering human soul; but I tell | |
you, as a candid friend, that they are but little more depressing and | |
jading to the vital powers than your unceasing mention of | |
life-insurance." | |
"These are strong words, sir," answered Mr. SCHENCK, incredulously. "The | |
editorial articles to which you refer are considered the very drought of | |
journalism; those by Mr. GREELEY, especially, being so dry that they are | |
positively dangerous reading without a tumbler of water." | |
"Yon brought the comparison upon yourself, Mr. SCHENCK. Good day." | |
Thus speaking, the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON hurried nervously from the | |
Boreal temple; not fairly satisfied that he had escaped a Policy until | |
he found himself safely emerged on Broadway and turning a corner toward | |
Nassau Street. Beaching the latter bye-way, after a brief interval of | |
sharp walking, he entered a building nearly opposite that in which was | |
the office of Mr. DIBBLE; and, having ascended numerous flights of | |
twilight stairs to the lofty floor immediately over the saddened rooms | |
occupied by a great American Comic Paper, came into a spidery garret | |
where lurked MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON, | |
"Hard at it?" he asked, approaching a ricketty table at which sat the | |
persecuted Southerner, reading a volume of HOYLE'S Games. | |
"My only friend!" ejaculated the lonely reader, hurriedly covering the | |
book with an arm. "I am, as you see, studying law here, all alone with | |
these silent friends." | |
He waved his thin hand toward a rude shelf on which were several | |
well-worn City Directories of remote dates, volumes of Patent Office | |
Reports for the years '57 and '59, a copy of Mr. GREELEY'S Essays on | |
Political Economy, an edition of the Corporation Manual, the Coast | |
Survey for 1850, and other inflaming statistical works, which had been | |
sent to him in his exile by thoughtful friends who had no place to keep | |
them. | |
"Cheer up, brother!" exhorted the good Gospeler, "I'll send you some | |
nice theological volumes to add to your library, which will then be | |
complete. Be not despondent. All will come right yet." | |
"I reckon it will, in time," returned the youth, moodily. "I suppose you | |
know that my sister is determined to come here and stay with me?" | |
"Yes, MONTGOMERY, I have heard of her noble resolution. May her | |
conversation prove sustaining to you." | |
"There will be enough of it, I reckon, to sustain half a dozen people," | |
was the despondent answer. "This is a gloomy place for her, Mr. SIMPSON, | |
situated, as it is, immediately over the offices of a Comic Paper." | |
"And do you think she would care for cheerful accessories while you are | |
in sorrow?" asked the Gospeler, reproachfully. | |
"But it is so mournful--that floor below," persisted the brother, | |
doubtfully. "If there were only something the least bit more lively down | |
there--say an Undertaker's." | |
"A Sister's Love can lessen the most crushing gloom, MONTGOMERY." | |
A silent pressure of the hand rewarded this encouraging reminder of | |
sanguine friendship; and, after the depressed law-student had promised | |
the Reverend OCTAVIUS to walk with him as far as the ferry in a few | |
moments, the said Reverend departed for a hasty call upon the old lawyer | |
across the street. | |
Benignant Mr. DIBBLE sat near a front window of his office, and received | |
the visitor with legal serenity. | |
"And how does our young friend enjoy himself, Mr. SIMPSON, in the | |
retreat which I had the honor of commending to you for him?" | |
The visitor replied, that his young friend's retreat, by its very | |
loftiness, was calculated to inspire any occupant with a room-attic | |
affection. | |
"And how, and when, and where did you leave Mr. BUMSTEAD?" inquired Mr. | |
DIBBLE. | |
"As well as could be expected; this morning, at Bumsteadville," said the | |
Gospeler, with answer as terse and comprehensive as the question. | |
"--Because," added the lawyer, quickly, "there he is, now, coming out of | |
a refreshment saloon immediately under the building in which our young | |
friend takes refuge." | |
"So he is!" exclaimed the surprised Mr. SIMPSON, staring through the | |
window. | |
There, indeed, as indicated, was the Ritualistic organist; apparently | |
eating cloves from the palm of his right hand as he emerged from the | |
place of refreshment, and wearing a linen coat so long and a straw hat | |
of such vast brim that his sex was not obvious at first glance. While | |
the two beholders gazed, in unspeakable fascination, Mr. BUMSTEAD | |
suddenly made a wild dart at a passing elderly man with a dark | |
sun-umbrella, ecstatically tore the latter from his grasp, and | |
passionately tapped him on the head with it. Then, before the astounded | |
elderly man could recover from his amazement, or regain the gold | |
spectacles which had been knocked from his nose, the umbrella, after an | |
instant of keen examination, was restored to him with a humble, almost | |
abjectly apologetic, air, and Mr. BUMSTEAD hurried back, evidently | |
crushed, into the refreshment saloon. | |
"His brain must be turned by the loss of his relative," murmured the | |
Gospeler, pitifully. | |
"His umbrellative, you mean," said Mr. DIBBLE. | |
When these two gentlemen had parted, and the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON | |
had been escorted to the ferry, as promised, by MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON, | |
the latter, after a long, insane walk about the city, with the | |
thermometer at 98 degrees, returned to his attic in time to surprise a | |
stranger climbing in through one of the back windows. | |
"Who are you?" exclaimed the Southern youth, much struck by the funereal | |
aspect, sexton-like dress, and inordinately long countenance of the | |
pallid, light-haired intruder. | |
"Pardon! pardon!" answered he at the window, with much solemnity. "I am | |
a proprietor of the Comic Paper down below, and am eluding the man who | |
comes every day to tell me how such a paper _should_ be conducted. He is | |
now talking to the young man writing the mail-wrappers, who, being of | |
iron constitution and unmarried, can bear more than I. There was just | |
time for me to glide out of the window at sound of that fearful voice, | |
and I climbed the iron shutter and found myself at your casement.--Hark! | |
Do you hear the buzz down there? He's now telling the young man writing | |
the mail-wrappers what kind of Cartoons should be got-up for _this_ | |
country.--Hark, again! and the young man writing the mail-wrappers have | |
clinched and are rolling about the floor.--Hark, once more! The young | |
man writing the mail-wrappers has put him out." | |
"Won't you come in?" asked MONTGOMERY, sincerely sorry for the agitated | |
being. | |
"Alas, no!" responded the fugitive, in the tone of a cathedral bell. | |
"I must go back to my lower deep once more. My name is JEREMY BENTHAM; I | |
am very unhappy in my mind; and, with your permission, will often escape | |
this way from him who is the bane of my existence." | |
Being assured of welcome on all occasions, he of the long countenance | |
went clanging down the iron shutter again; and the lonely law-student, | |
burying his face in his hands, prayed Providence to forgive him for | |
having esteemed his own lot so hopelessly gloomy when there were Comic | |
Paper men on the very next floor. | |
That night, before going home to Gowanus, the old lawyer across the way | |
glanced up toward MONTGOMERY'S retreat, and shook his head as though he | |
couldn't make something out. Whether he had a difficult idea in his | |
brain, or only a fly on his nose, was for the observer to discover for | |
himself. | |
(_To be Continued_.) | |
* * * * * | |
UNIVERSOCKDOLOGY. | |
Mr. PUNCHINELLO: It afflicts me, one of your most assiduous readers, to | |
notice that you cast not even so much as a lack-lustre glance at the | |
brilliant gems that STEPHEN PEARL ANDREWS scatters periodically through | |
the columns of the _Evening Mail_ and WOODHULL & CLAFLIN'S _Weekly_. Are | |
the times out of joint; or is it your Italian nose? Do you fear to quote | |
the sublimated utterances of the perspicacious, although pleonastic | |
philosopher? Does he lead you in thought, or the expression thereof? | |
Then, wherefore? And if not, wherever may the just reason be found for | |
your indifference? | |
The science of Universology, as so delightfully unfolded by Mr. ANDREWS, | |
is one that must ere long overtop and engulf all others, seeing that it | |
is, of itself, the science which embodies and contains all. It teaches | |
that the universe exists in time and space--a fact never discovered till | |
now--or that, rather, it exists in space and time, as the two negative | |
containers of its _statism_ or existence, and of its _motism_ or | |
eventuation, (its chain of events.) It shows that statism, or | |
world-existence-at-rest, in space, is analogous with the cardinal series | |
of numeration; and motism or world-existence-in-motion, in time, | |
analogous with the ordinal series of numbers; and that, finally, statism | |
and cardinism, (as of the four cardinal points in the orientation of | |
space,) are analogous with spiritualities and the spirit world; and that | |
motism and ordinism (succession by steps) are analogous with | |
temporalities, (transitory things) and so with the mundane or transitory | |
sphere. | |
Now this is the whole subject in a nutshell--a subject it behooves you | |
and all other deep thinkers to grapple withal. Through your efforts to | |
spread the glorious truths thus ingeniously set forth, how much good | |
might be done! Think of the unravelling of the complications surrounding | |
the Germano-Gallic war; the light that might be thrown upon the sources | |
of HORACE GREELEY'S agricultural information; the settlement of the | |
Coolie question. Then, see what effect a clear and candid discussion of | |
the topic would have on the public morality, security, and peace! How | |
often it appears that, in spite of the normal equanimity observable in | |
circumstantial evidence, hereditary disciplinarisms are totally devoid | |
of potential abstemiousness. This may be owing to the fact that at ebb | |
and neap tides the obliquity of vision (duism) remarked by most invalid | |
veterans in their occasional _adversaria_, is unconscious of their | |
parental dignity, and by no means to be confounded with the referees in | |
astronomical or pharmaceutical cases, or with ordinary omphalopsychites. | |
Whatever be or not be the result of these investigations and | |
calculations, it is consolatory to the student of proportional | |
hemispheres to remark that, whichever way the sophist may turn, he | |
_must_ invariably rely on the softer impeachments of a hireling crowd, | |
with | |
"Water, water, everywhere, | |
And not a drop to drink," | |
and give up all personal interest in the homogeneous relations arising | |
from too precipitate a ratiocination of events, urging, at the same | |
time, the positive proportions exercised in the administration of a not | |
over particular dormitory, and the replication of | |
chameleonizing--constantly chameleonizing, odoriferosities. | |
Yours, PATHIST. | |
* * * * * | |
About Face! | |
Recent London advices briefly state that EDMUND ABOUT, the missing | |
correspondent of the _Soir_, has turned up somewhere. Our Cockney | |
informant imagines that M. ABOUT, like his distinguished ancestor, | |
(ABOU, B.A.,) found his "sweet dream of peace" too rudely disturbed by | |
the howlings of the Prussian dogs of war, and decided to 'ead About for | |
Paris, simply in order to avoid being 'eaded off by the enemy. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: "WHEN YOU GO TO LONG BRANCH, DO NOT TAKE A NEWFOUNDLAND | |
DOG WITH YOU. I BROUGHT ONE DOWN WITH ME HERE, AND WHENEVER I GO OUT TO | |
TAKE A LITTLE DIP, THE FAITHFUL CREATURE WILL INSIST ON DRAGGING ME | |
ASHORE."--_Letter from a Friend_.] | |
* * * * * | |
SUMMER AT SANDY POINT. | |
_Sandy Point, August 18, 1870_. | |
PRELIMINARY FLOURISHES. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO:[1] Nature demands a change of air. Man needs rest. | |
Invigoration is necessary to health. The throbbing brain must shut down | |
on its throbbing. | |
Hence second-class hotels, with first-class prices; hence hard beds, no | |
gas, and many flies. I say--"Hence--flies," but as a general thing I | |
notice they will not hence. | |
WHERE TO GO. | |
Those who are fond of flees may flee to the mountains. I know when I've | |
got enough, and I prefer to surf it on the sea shore. Take the 3-1/2 | |
A.M. train, and come to | |
SANDY POINT. | |
Everything here is sand as far as the eye can reach, or a horse and | |
wagon, with a profane driver, can travel. The ocean laves the beach. The | |
sea also is here. The tide comes in twice a day. This alone gives Sandy | |
Point a great advantage over all other points on the coast. | |
I rode up in the regular conveyance, and soon after my arrival found | |
myself standing on the spacious and elegant piazza of | |
THE CHARNEL HOUSE, | |
a palatial structure erected by the late Mr. CHARNEL, who is said to | |
have lavished an immense fortune upon it. Strictly speaking, he didn't | |
lavish quite so much paint on the front as an advanced civilization had | |
a right to expect; but within, everything, (including the clerk,) | |
appears to have been furnished with an eye to | |
LUXURIOUS COMFORT, | |
Mr. SOAPINGTON, the genial landlord, Mr. RICHARD SOAPINGTON, Jr., the | |
gentlemanly clerk, Mrs. SOAPINGTON, the accomplished hostess, and the | |
lovely Miss CLARA SOAPINGTON, all greeted me with that hearty welcome, | |
so dear to the traveller. SOAPINGTON said he was glad to see me, and, | |
seeing that it was me, he would be willing to infringe on his inflexible | |
rule, and would allow me to pay | |
CASH IN ADVANCE. | |
Madame S. was sorry she couldn't set me up a cot in the wash-room, but | |
would be compelled to let me have a double front-room over the bar. I | |
told her if the apartment had a practicable trap door I thought I could | |
get along. | |
RICHARD S., Jr., was sure he had met me before; and, as a friend, he | |
would say the establishment was not responsible for valuables unless | |
deposited in the safe. He would take my watch and jewelry to wear while | |
I was there, inasmuch as | |
HE WAS THE SAFE HIMSELF. | |
The charming Miss S. didn't say anything, but she smiled, and looked | |
such unutterable things from behind the blinds, that I expect to find it | |
all in the bill. | |
Everybody that can get a railroad pass should come to Sandy Point | |
WHAT TO DO. | |
Sit in the reading-room and look over the torn files of two daily papers | |
a week and a half old; or study a hotel advertiser. | |
THE SURF BATHING | |
is magnificent. The prevalence of an unmitigated undertow renders it | |
quite exhilarating for old ladies and invalids. Any one who is drowned | |
will have every attention paid to his remains,--by the sharks. | |
BOATING. | |
Everybody boats. The ROWE Brothers are here, and sing on the water by | |
moonlight. You can blister your bands at an oar, or bale out the boat, | |
just as your taste inclines. As the life-preserver is a little out of | |
repair, I stay on shore. | |
FISHING. | |
Everybody fishes. There are all varieties, from speckled trout and | |
mackerel, up to conger eels, horse mackerel, and porpoises. Parties | |
frequently come back with all the fishing they want. If absent a week on | |
a trip, they can make arrangements to have their board run on just the | |
same. | |
DRIVING. | |
Everybody drives. The roads are of unsurpassing loveliness. They drive | |
every day. If the waiters would drive a few flies out of the | |
dining-room, we wouldn't sit down quite so many at table. | |
WHO ARE HERE. | |
Sandy Point, with all its native attractions, would be nothing were it | |
not for the beauty and fashion that throng its halls. There are men here | |
who can draw their note for any amount. Here is an ex-member of | |
Congress; there a double X brewer, both immensely wealthy. Diamonds | |
abound. There is a hop in the parlor every evening and preaching on | |
Sundays. | |
I should not forget a paralytic washwoman in my section of the house, | |
who has a prevailing idea, when she brings home my clothes, that eleven | |
pieces make a dozen. | |
Reader, if you seek | |
THE FLUSH OF HEALTH, | |
come down here! I wasn't very flush when I got here, but I don't intend | |
to go away till I've put myself into thorough repair. | |
Yours, SARSFIELD YOUNG. | |
[Footnote 1: SOAPINGTON, of the hotel here, and I, have been skirmishing | |
over a board bill for a couple of weeks, and he has finally outflanked | |
me to the amount of about $40. I think if you will insert this | |
correspondence it will be all right. S. will succumb.] | |
* * * * * | |
A War Conundrum. | |
When are soldiers like writers for the press? When they charge by the | |
column. | |
* * * * * | |
A well-tilled Soil. | |
The article on DICKENS, in the August number of the _Atlantic Monthly_, | |
is certainly suggestive of fresh Fields, if not of pastures new. | |
* * * * * | |
THE WATERING PLACES. | |
Punchinello's Vacations. | |
Sometimes Mr. PUNCHINELLO is very busy. Not only has he upon his | |
shoulders the ordinary labors of conductor of a great journal, but he | |
has much to do for other people. His editors, his printers, his binders, | |
his artists, his engravers, his corps of clerks, his office and errand | |
boys, and all connected with his extensive establishment, come to him | |
from time to time for advice in regard to the investment of their | |
surplus earnings, and between assisting in the purchase of a farm for | |
this one, a house for the other, and all sorts of stocks and bonds for | |
the rest, he is often terribly pressed for time. | |
No one who is not looked up to by a crowd of grateful dependents, all | |
fattening in the shadow of his prosperity, as it were, can understand | |
Mr. P's. feelings of responsibility at such times. | |
Such an unusual demand upon his time occurred last week, and Mr. P. | |
found that he would not be able to spend a few days as usual at some | |
fashionable watering place. But be must have some recreation, so he | |
determined to have a day's fishing among the celebrated Thousand Islands | |
of the St. Lawrence. He put some luncheon in a basket, and set off quite | |
early in the morning. Finding that some twenty hours were consumed in | |
the transit, Mr. P. thought that, considering his hurry, he had better, | |
perhaps, have gone to Newark for a day's fishing off the piers. But he | |
was at the St. Lawrence now, and it would not do to complain. He hired a | |
boat, lines, bait and two navigators, and set out bravely. | |
He sailed among a crowd of islands where either the bowsprit or the boom | |
was continually getting caught in the shrubbery and rocks, until he came | |
to island No. 18. Here was a picnic party. | |
For reasons which the accompanying view may render obvious, Mr. P. and | |
his men declined the invitation of the picnickers to stop and join them. | |
The boat continued on until it reached the channel between islands No. | |
87 and No. 88, and there Mr. P. got out his lines and commenced to fish, | |
trolling his bait behind as the boat slowly sailed, under the hot sun, | |
among those lovely isles, where, to be sure, burning's half o' the | |
sport, but where "burning SAPPHO" would have lost herself utterly, and | |
probably have tumbled into some of the watery intricacies and have put | |
herself out. | |
Mr. P. did not have much luck at first. He caught one muskallonge, after | |
a period of patient waiting which he feels he also must call long, and | |
once, when he thought he was hauling in a fine bass, he turned very red | |
when the boatmen laughed at seeing him "cotch an eel." But after a while | |
he got a royal bite. He hauled in manfully, and although, owing to the | |
intricacies of the channel, he could not see what he had caught, he knew | |
it was a fine fellow from its weight. At last, after tremendous tugging, | |
he got it in over the stem. | |
It was one of the thousand islands! | |
What could be done now? | |
The steersman, who had slipped under a seat when he saw the great mass | |
above him, and the man who managed the sails, were both Canadians, and | |
after a great deal of excited talk, they agreed if Mr. P. would make it | |
worth their while, they would endeavor to put the island back in its | |
place and make no remarks in public which would tend to produce a | |
misunderstanding between the governments of Great Britain and the United | |
States, on the ground of undue acquisition of territory. By the payment | |
of a sum, which it will require a club of thirty subscribers to make | |
good to him, Mr. P. concluded the arrangement, and they sailed back to | |
replace the island. But what was the horror of the party, when they | |
perceived on the unfortunate bit of British territory, a plate, which | |
had stuck fast by reason of a covering of the juice of plum-pie, and a | |
fork which was rammed firmly into the earth! | |
It needed but few collateral evidences to convince Mr. P. and his men | |
that this was the island where they had seen the picnic. | |
And where were the picnickers? | |
If any of Mr. P's. subscribers in Prince EDWARD Island, Costa Rica, the | |
Gallipagoes, or other outstanding places, receive their paper rather | |
late this week, they are informed that, in consequence of his having | |
spent three entire days exploring the labyrinth of these islands in | |
order to find the bodies of the unfortunate party of pleasure, (which | |
bodies he did not find,) Mr. P. was very much delayed in his office | |
business. His near patrons received their papers in due time, but those | |
at a distance will excuse him, he feels sure, when they consider what | |
his feelings must have been, while grappling for an entire picnic. | |
The island was dumped down anywhere, without reference to its former | |
place. When the Alabama claims are settled, Mr. P. will go back and | |
adjust it properly. | |
Mr. P. gained nothing by this trip but the knowledge that there are but | |
980 of these islands, which an unscrupulous monarchy imposes upon a | |
credulous people as a full thousand, and the gloom which would naturally | |
pervade a man, after an occurrence of the kind just narrated. | |
On his way home, he stopped for supper at Albany, and there he met CYRUS | |
W. FIELD and Commodore VANDERBILT. One of these gentlemen was looking | |
very happy and the other very doleful. | |
(Illustration: The tall gentleman in the picture is Mr. FIELD--not that | |
he is really so very tall--but he is elevated. The short one is the | |
Commodore--so drawn, not because he is short, but because he is | |
depressed.) | |
After the compliments of the season, (warm ones,) Mr. P. asked his | |
friends how the war in Europe affected them. | |
"Gloriously!" cried Mr. FIELD. "Nothing could be better. The messages | |
fly over our cables like--like--like lightning. Why, sir, I wish they | |
would keep up the war for ten years." | |
"And you, sir?" said Mr. P. to the Commodore. | |
"Oh, I hate it!" said VANDERBILT. "They send neither men nor munitions | |
by our road. It is an absolute dead loss of hundreds of thousands of | |
dollars to me that my railroad is on this side of the ocean. I shall | |
never cease to deplore it." | |
"But sir," said Mr. P. "the war may cause a great exportation of grain | |
from the West, and then your road will profit." | |
"Don't believe it," said the Commodore. "The war will stop exportation." | |
"It goes against the grain with him, any way you fix it," said Mr. | |
FIELD, with a festive air. "He can't carry any messages." | |
"On a cabalistic cable," remarked Mr. P. | |
CYRUS smiled. | |
"No, air," said the Commodore, reverting to his grievances. "Never has | |
such a loss happened to me, since I went into New York Centrals." | |
"Well, I tell you, VANDY," said Mr. FIELD, "if you and other grasping | |
creatures had kept away from New York's entrails it would have been much | |
better for the body corporate of the State." | |
"Look here!" cried the Commodore, in a rage. | |
Mr. FIELD looked there, but Mr. P. didn't. He thought it was time to go | |
for his train, and he went. | |
* * * * * | |
SEVERAL UNSAVORY RENDERINGS. | |
Why there should be such a thing as a New York Rendering Company is a | |
puzzle to thoughtful minds. Persons resident in certain districts of the | |
city, that border on the North River, though, are cognizant of that | |
Company. The North River nose knows the Co., and would close itself to | |
it, only that it is too close upon it to close effectually. | |
And what are the New York Rendering Company, and to whom do they render, | |
and what? Lard bless you! sir, or madam, they comprise a thing that | |
lives, if not by the sweat of its brow, at least by the suet of its | |
boilers. The dead horses of the city car companies are the creature's | |
normal food. Nor does it despise smaller venison, for it can batten upon | |
dead kittens, too, and fatten upon asphyxiated pup. Carnivorous, | |
decidedly, is the creature concreted by the New York Rendering Company, | |
converting all that it touches into fat, and so, living literally upon | |
the fat of the land. That the Company render other things besides fat, | |
however, has been for some time past a subject of complaint against | |
their management, and here are a few details of their renderings. | |
Once the atmosphere of the bays and rivers of New York was a source of | |
health to the excursionists who, in summer time, seek relaxation by | |
inexpensive voyages upon the waters adjacent to the city. By casting the | |
refuse of their carrion into these waters, the New York Rendering | |
Company have rendered foul and noxious the once healthful atmosphere of | |
our aquarian outlets, rendering themselves a nuisance, at the same time. | |
Thus, anything like a "pleasure" excursion by water, in the neighborhood | |
of New York, has been rendered impossible during the present season, by | |
the New York Rendering Company. | |
Off all the shores of our bays Offal has accumulated, and that during | |
the hottest summer on record for these latitudes. The waters have thus | |
been rendered unfit for bathing in, as the air has been rendered | |
pernicious to breathe--another rendering by the New York Rendering | |
Company, whose manifest mission is to offalize the world. | |
It is pleasant to know, then, that the renderings of the New York | |
Rendering Company are likely to be reactionary as well as suicidal, | |
(perhaps suetcidal might be a better word here,) in their results. Their | |
"offence is rank," and has reached the nose of authority, for we find it | |
stated that "Mayor HALL has already made complaint against the New York | |
Rendering Company, and that they will he indicted at the next sitting of | |
the Grand Jury." | |
And when their boiling nuisances come to be seized, as we trust they | |
will be, how jolly to see them "rendering to Seizer" all that has | |
rendered them the nuisance they are! Then let them render up the ghost, | |
and go out spluttering, like a dip candle from one of their own rancid | |
renderings--and so an end of them. | |
* * * * * | |
A CARD OF THANKS. | |
PUNCHINELLO is extremely indebted to _The Sun_ for the association of | |
the names of several worthy gentlemen with the ownership of the only | |
first-class Illustrated Humorous and Satirical paper published in | |
America: (Subscription price, for one year, $4.00. Single copies 10 | |
cents. Office, 83 Nassau St., New York.) | |
Well, it is something to be credited with having decent men about you; | |
perhaps if _The Sun_ would try the experiment it would be found more | |
purifying than even the sermons of O. DYER. | |
* * * * * | |
WHY IT IS SO DRY. | |
We _thought_ it had something to do with a lack of moisture in the air; | |
and now, along comes Monsieur PROU, another philosopher, and merely says | |
what we had thought. He declares that there was so much ice last winter | |
(come now, gentlemen of the Ice Companies, what have you to say to | |
that?) it couldn't melt in time to evaporate in time to supply moisture | |
in time for the necessary showers. (Somehow, there's an eternity of | |
"time" in that sentence; but _n'importe: allons!_) We think PROU has | |
proved his case. And, although we can't quite sympathise with his | |
suggestion that detachments of sappers and miners be employed in the | |
spring-time, in Arctic (and doubtless also Antarctic) regions, in | |
blowing up icebergs and otherwise facilitating the operations of old | |
Sol, we give the ingenious Frenchman credit for at least as much | |
philosophic acumen as we ourselves possess: and Heaven only knows how | |
superb a compliment we thus convey! | |
Couldn't our friend Capt. HALL be requested to watch the Pole a little | |
next winter, and look into this idea of ours and PROU'S? | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: CIRCUMSTANCES WILL COMPEL THE STATELIEST OF MEN TO STOOP, | |
SOMETIMES. GETTING A LIGHT FROM THE STUMP OF A NEWSBOY'S CIGAR IS ONE OF | |
THEM.] | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: A SCENE FROM OLD NICK-OLOS NICK-OLBY. | |
THE EMPEROR DE MANTALINI GOING TO THE "DEMNITION BOW-WOWS."] | |
* * * * * | |
OUR POLICE REPORT. | |
On Tuesday last a suspicious looking man was arrested by the police, and | |
taken to the One Hundred and Fourth Precinct Station House, on several | |
charges of disorderly acts perpetrated by him in various parts of the | |
city. He gave his name as CHARLES A. DANA, and was locked up for the | |
night. | |
Yesterday morning, prisoner was brought before Justice DOWNY, at the | |
Jephson Market Police Court. | |
Officer LOCUST, being called to testify, stated that his attention was | |
directed to the prisoner, on Tuesday afternoon last, by some boys in | |
Fourteenth Street. Prisoner was standing on the side-walk, on the side | |
of the street opposite Tammany Hall. He was armed with a small pewter | |
squirt, with which he was trying to smear the front of that building by | |
drawing up dirty water from the gutter. The range of the squirt did not | |
appear to reach more than half-way across the street. The water used was | |
very foul, leaving stains upon a dirt-cart that was passing. While | |
witness was watching the prisoner, the Hon. WM. M. TWEED came down the | |
steps from Tammany Hall, and, upon seeing him, prisoner ran away, but | |
was seized by witness, before he could make his escape. | |
On being interrogated by the magistrate, prisoner said that he hardly | |
knew what he was doing when arrested. The _Sun_ was in his eyes at the | |
time. If it hadn't been so, he would not have missed his shot. He must | |
do something for a living, and he thought that throwing dirty water was | |
as good an occupation as any other. Had made money out of it by | |
threatening respectable people with his pewter squirt, and they would | |
give him money rather than have their clothes soiled. He would do | |
anything to make money; and he didn't in the least mind dirtying his | |
hands in the making of it. | |
To a question by the magistrate, as to whether he had had anything to do | |
with casting offal into the bay, prisoner laughed in a wild manner, and | |
said that he, for one, could never be accused of wasting good, honest | |
dirt in that way. All the offal in the world, said prisoner, wasn't too | |
much for him to use in bespattering the objects of his attention, | |
friends as well as foes. He had heaved tons of offal, already, at Mr. A. | |
OAKEY HALL, (whom he evidently imagined to be an Irishman, and called | |
O'HALL,) He didn't care whom he hit, in fact, so long as he could make | |
it pay. | |
A gentleman connected with the velocipede interest, whose name our | |
reporter did not catch, here stated that he became acquainted with | |
prisoner nearly two years ago, while the velocipede frenzy was at its | |
height. He had constructed to order for the prisoner a peculiar | |
velocipede called the _"Sun Squirt."_ It had a Dyer's tub attached to | |
it, which was filled with bilge-water. On this machine, the prisoner, | |
armed with a pewter squirt, used to practise for several hours a day, | |
careering rapidly around the rink, and taking flying shots, as he went, | |
at large posters attached to the wall, having portraits on them of | |
General GRANT, Hon. H. GREELEY, Hon. WM. M. TWEED, The Mayor, Governor | |
HOFFMAN, and several other citizens of admitted position and | |
respectability. The bilge-water usually came back upon him, however, and | |
he was generally a humiliating object on leaving the rink. | |
Prisoner, on being asked by the magistrate whether he had any references | |
respecting character to give, replied in the negative, whereupon orders | |
were issued to lock him up, pending the appearance of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, | |
who will have some statements to make about him at a future day. | |
A reward of $5,000 has been offered for any information about the pewter | |
squirt, and particularly as to when, and by whom it was made; and, as | |
detectives are now engaged in working up the case, there can be but | |
little doubt that the vile instrument will ere long be identified. | |
* * * * * | |
DISTRESSING. | |
Some awful smasher of cherished notions is trying to make out that | |
ROUGET DE LISLE was not the real author of the famous _Marseillaise_, | |
but that he stole it from the Germans. It pains us to contemplate the | |
possibility of the charge being true, but, should it prove to be so, we | |
suggest that the name of the accepted author be changed from ROUGET to | |
ROGUEY DE LISLE. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: "WHAT WILL HE DO WITH IT?" | |
_Servant._ "MASSA FENTON AND MASSA CONKLIN HAVE SENT DIS YERE FOUNDLIN' | |
TO YER, TO TOOK KEER OF FOR A FEW WEEKS." | |
_Matron Greeley._ "O: DEAR, DEAR! AND IF IT SHOULD DIE ON MY HANDS, | |
WHO'S TO PAY THE FUNERAL EXPENSES?"] | |
* * * * * | |
HIRAM GREEN AMONG THE FAT MEN. | |
The "Last Gustive" attends the Annual Clam-Bake. | |
Empires may totter and Dienastys pass in their checks. | |
Politicians may steal the Goddess of Liberty poorer than JOB'S old | |
Maskaline Gobbler. | |
J. FISK, Jr., may set the heel of his bute down onto the neck of Rail | |
Rodes--Steambotes--ballet gals, and all that sort o' thing, and this | |
mundane speer will jog along, as slick as a pin, and no questions asked. | |
But deprive a Fat man of his little clam-bake, and it would be full as | |
pleasant as settin' down onto a Hornet's nest, when the Hornet family | |
were all to home. | |
That's so. | |
Another cargo of clams has gone to that born whence no clam returns, | |
onless you ram your finger down your throte, or take an Emetick. | |
In the words of Commodore PERRY, who is, alas! no more. | |
"The misfortenit bivalves meet the Fat man, and they're his'n." | |
Altho' I'me not much on the fat order myself, I received an invitation | |
to attend the grate Clam-bake. Mrs. GREEN put me up a lunch to eat on | |
the cars, and robin' myself in a cleen biled shirt, I sholdered my | |
umbreller and left Skeensboro. | |
The seen at Union Park was sublime with plenty of Ham fat. If all flesh | |
is grass, thought I, when old _tempus fugit_ comes along with his mowin' | |
masheen to cut this crop of fat men, I reckon he will have to hire some | |
of his nabor's barns, to help hold all of his hay. | |
Great mountins of hooman flesh were bobbin' about like kernals of corn | |
on a red hot stove, remindin' me of a corn field full of punkins set up | |
on clothes pins. | |
The little heads on top of the great sweating bodies, looked as if they | |
were sleev buttons drove in the top of the Punkins. | |
When a fat man laffs, his little head sinks down into his shirt collar, | |
and disappears in the fat, like a turtle's head when you tickle his nose | |
with a sharp stick. | |
And then to see them eat clams. I've seen men punish clams by the | |
bushel--by the barrel--but never did I see men shovel clams in by the | |
cart load before. | |
"Gee-whitaker," said I, to a Reporter of a N.Y. Journal, "them critters | |
must have a dredful elastic stomack." | |
"Yes," said he, "when Fat-men get clam hungry, the sea banks has to give | |
up her clams, and the grocery keepers furnish the seasonin'." | |
"Wall," said I, "if the Sea has many such runs on her clam-banks as | |
this, she will have to put on her shutters soon, and go into | |
lickerdation." | |
"In which state," said he laffin', "it would be exceedin'ly | |
_clam_-etous." | |
The members of the Fat Men's Club all went prepared for hot weather, | |
dressed in a linnen soot and carryin' palm leaf fans. | |
I also notised large fassits onto the toes of their butes, so as to let | |
out the grease occasionly, and keep there butes from sloppin' over. | |
President RANSOM told me, that a fat man's wife invented the fassets, so | |
as to save sope grease. | |
"One fat man in hot weather," said Mister RANSOM, "will furnish grease | |
enuff, in the summer time, to keep his family in soft sope the year | |
around, besides supplyin' two or three daily papers with a lot." | |
Between you and me, Friend PUNCHINELLO, that greasy yarn seems rather | |
too slipperry to swaller, but I guess it'll wash after all. | |
PETER REED, of New York, and Docter WHITBECK, of West Troy, danced the | |
hiland fling for the championship and a barrel of clams. | |
"While PETE was cuttin' a pigin wing, and the Dr. was rakin' down a | |
dubble shuffle, they made things rattle, and naborin' towns thought it | |
was an airthquake, and began movin' out their feather beds. | |
"Go it, my fat friends," said I, to encourage 'em, "blood will tell, and | |
exercise help to digest your clams." | |
They shook their feet ontil exhausted natur, from necessity, ceased to | |
be virtous, when suddenly they both tumbled over onto their backs, and | |
blowed like porpoises. | |
The weather bein' hot, a shovel full of cloride of lime was sprinkled | |
onter them, to keep them from gettin' fly blode. | |
I was introjuced to a North River steembote pilot, whose corporosity | |
looked like the Commissary department of a Prushion Regiment. | |
"How are you, Paunchy Pilate," said I, gettin' off a joak at his | |
expense. "How many clams have you crucifide to-day?" | |
"Bully for you, ole man. Haw! haw! he! he! ho! ho!" roared half a dozen | |
fat men at my faceshusness, and they laffed and shook their sides, ontil | |
I thought they'd colaps a floo and spatter me. | |
One of them fat men approched me, and invited me to have a game of leep | |
frog. | |
"Excuse me, Captin," said I, "when I get so I can sholder an elefant, | |
I'le come around and accomodate you." | |
Some was playin' tag. Some was playin' blindman's-buff, while all was | |
amusin' themselves, at some innocent pastime or other. | |
The day's performance was closed by chasin' a greased pig. | |
The hog was well greased and let loose, and the whole lot of fat men | |
started pell-mell. | |
It was "Root hog, or die" with the odds in favor of the Hog. | |
All of a sudden, the hog turned back, and the fat men coulden't stop, | |
when down they all fell on top of poor piggy, smashin' him flatter'n a | |
pancake. | |
The bystanders were startin' for derricks and jack-screws to raise the | |
fat men off from each other. | |
"Hold on," says I, "I know a trick worth 2 of that." | |
I rusht into the house, and ceasin' the dinner-bell, rung it as hard as | |
I could. | |
It delited me, in my old age, to see them chaps scrabble when they heard | |
that bell. | |
In 10 seconds time, only one member of the pile diden't git up, and | |
rise, and that was the hog. | |
It was a cruel deception--but I believe the mean trick justifide the | |
end, and saved the Bord of Helth a big bill of expense. For sure's | |
you're borned, it would have been a meesely old job, cartin' of that big | |
pile of corrupshun. | |
I had seen enuff for one day. | |
My fisikle and intelectooal capacity was gorged. | |
Foldin' my Filacteries, and pickin' up my bloo cotton parashoot, I fled | |
the seen, hily tickled to think I wasen't a fat man. | |
Virtously of thee, | |
HIRAM GREEN, Esq., | |
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: WOMAN ASSERTS HER RIGHTS] | |
* * * * * | |
OUR FINANCIAL ARTICLE. | |
WALL STREET, August 9th, 1870. | |
SIR:--It is with feelings of indignation and scorn that I proceed once | |
more to pollute my pen with the chronicles of a mercenary rabble. It | |
_had_ been thought that the remonstrances of the pure and high-minded | |
among your readers would have sufficed to overcome the resolution of an | |
infatuated, but not Criminal Editor. There was a time when the claims of | |
a _Certain Contributor_ were wont to be considered. But the passion for | |
worldly greed has, alas! perverted a too simple nature, and where the | |
Muses once found a congenial resting place, the demon Mammon now sits in | |
GHASTLY TRIUMPH. | |
I will not here refer to my threat of resignation, nor to the shouts of | |
diabolical laughter with which it was received by the conductor of a | |
Comic Journal, whose name it would not become me to mention. Suffice it | |
to say that those sentiments of loyalty and affection which have ever | |
been my glory, and a keen appreciation of the difficulty of obtaining | |
employment on the Press, have kept me attached to the staff of | |
PUNCHINELLO. The anguish which Finance has cost an artistic soul no one | |
may ever know. The silent tear may fall, but it shall be buried in my | |
bosom. The spectacle of my hidden suffering shall stand as a reproach to | |
one whom I once HONORED and now PITY. | |
Divesting myself of that part of my nature which is comprised in the | |
good, the beautiful and true, I betook myself yesterday to Wall Street | |
and the Gold Room. At the portals of the Financial Menagerie, a | |
gentleman placed his hand upon my shoulder. | |
Was I a subscriber? | |
No, but I was a comic writer. | |
He said I looked as though I had seen misfortune. If I was not a | |
subscriber, perhaps I had been in the Penitentiary, served out a | |
sentence at Sing Sing, or procured a divorce from my wife? | |
I had done none of these things. | |
I was not a member of the Legislature? | |
No. | |
A brilliant idea struck him. Perhaps I had been an editor? | |
I pleaded guilty. | |
He thought that would do--I might go in. | |
I went in, and herewith submit to you the result of my investigations. | |
NINE O'CLOCK.--On opening this morning, a scarcity of money was | |
perceptible in the market. It was especially perceptible in the case of | |
your contributor. (This is _not_ a hint that a week's salary in advance | |
would be acceptable.) Peanuts are much sought after. (They are excellent | |
things to pelt a fellow with.) Apples were inquired after, but upon a | |
rumor that they were unripe, they declined several per cent. | |
HALF PAST NINE.--The following telegram has just been received here. | |
"METZ, August 11th. | |
_"To His Serene Highness, the Prince of Erie, Duke of the Grand Opera | |
House, Admiral of Narragansett, Commander of the Ninth, etc., etc., | |
etc., Erie Palace, New York City._ | |
"ROYAL BROTHER:--Louis has received his baptism of fire. McMAHON wept. | |
He is training to dispute with Miss LOUISA MOORE, the proud title of the | |
'Champion Weepist.' | |
"Send me the Ninth, and the flower of _Opera Bouffe_--aye, even the | |
great SCHNEIDER--shall be thine. 'Tis France that calls--be kind. | |
Fraternally thine own, | |
NAP." | |
It was at first thought that H.S.H. would accede to the Emperor's | |
request, his recent treaty with the Court of the _Grande Duchesse_ and | |
his diplomatic relations with the Viennoise Ballet Troupe having | |
rendered the event far from improbable. It was also considered that the | |
hostility which he has openly displayed towards the British Erie | |
Protection Committee would predispose him in favor of England's natural | |
enemy. In view of the possible departure of the Ninth, and the | |
consequent prolongation of the European war, gold rose several degrees | |
above freezing point. | |
TEN O'CLOCK.--The Ninth, don't go to Europe after all. Several members | |
of Company "K" were observed to shed tears of vexation--or joy! Here is | |
Col. FISK'S reply. | |
"To NAPOLEON, _(not in Berlin.)_" | |
"EFFETE MONARCH:--Can't spare the b-hoys at any price. They're going | |
into camp down at the 'Branch.' Besides, some of them haven't paid for | |
their uniforms yet. With regards to Eugenie," | |
"I am Right Royally Yours," | |
JAS. FISK, JR. | |
"P.S.--If a large diamond, a team of six black and white horses, a | |
Sound steamer, or a copy of the _Tribune_, would be of any use to you, | |
command me. I might also spare you GOULD and some of my relations in | |
case you were very short of men, and had _some very perilous positions_ | |
to fill up. JAMES." | |
HALF PAST TEN.--Speculators in New York Central and Hudson River | |
securities are much excited over a report that Commodore VANDERBILT had | |
been seen to purchase a watering hose in the store of a well known | |
manufacturer of gardening implements, on Broadway. He wrapped it in | |
brown paper, placed it in his $1000 buggy, and drove away behind Dexter | |
at the rate of 0:01-1/4 per minute. I have it on good authority that | |
there is no truth in the rumor, circulated a few days ago, that the | |
Commodore was engaged in negotiation with the Paid Fire Department for | |
the use of their engines, etc., on some occasion not far distant. | |
ELEVEN O'CLOCK.--It is now officially announced that the watering hose | |
referred to in my last is intended for gardening purposes only. | |
HALF PAST ELEVEN.--Great war between Erie and the _Tribune_. _Tribune_ | |
interdicted on Erie Railway and Boston and Long Branch steamers. | |
Desolation of the Hub in consequence. Panic amongst _Tribune_ | |
stockholders. | |
TWELVE.--FISK says that the _Tribune_ is so _heavy_ that it _must_ far | |
the future be paid for by _weight_, on his steamers. It is felt that | |
this course, if adopted by Mr. GREELEY, would be financially ruinous to | |
the interests of his paper. | |
HALF PAST TWELVE.--It is stated here that Mr. GREELEY, in the effectual | |
disguise of a bran new hat and respectable boots, succeeded in smuggling | |
a carpet bag filled with _Tribunes_ on board the _Plymouth Rock_. Much | |
anxiety is felt here concerning his fate, in case the Admiral should | |
discover his presence on board. | |
ONE O'CLOCK.--In a letter just received, Mr. GREELEY designates the | |
above report as "a lie--a lie--false and malicious, and uttered with | |
intent to malign and defame." I publish Mr. G's correction with | |
pleasure. | |
HALT PAST ONE.--For some days past a steady decline has been noticeable | |
in Government securities; a want of confidence in the Executive is said | |
to be the cause. It is reported that several of our leading financiers | |
have openly indicated their dissatisfaction with the policy of those in | |
power at Washington. | |
Two O'CLOCK.--The leading financier referred to in my last I find to be | |
JAMES FISK, JR. | |
HALF PAST TWO.--He indicated his dissatisfaction with the policy of the | |
Government, to the President at Long Branch, thus: Having transferred | |
all the jewels from his left hand to the right, and carefully adjusted | |
them there, he raised the hand in question to his finely cut Roman nose, | |
then, extending his fingers, he twirled them for several minutes without | |
exhibiting any symptoms of fatigue. GRANT is said to have allowed a | |
prime Partaga to drop from between his lips in his surprise. | |
THREE O'CLOCK.--It is now rumored that Fisk did not apply his fingers in | |
the manner stated. | |
HALF PAST FOUR.--Market (at Delmonico's) gone frantic over a consignment | |
of _Opera Bouffe_ sent by the Erie Protection Committee as a mark of | |
confidence in the present Erie management. Eries said to be in good | |
voice. Preferred stock will open in about a month with an extensive and | |
carefully selected ballet. _Premieres Danseuses_ (hic) strong, with | |
extensive sales. Scenery (hic) quiet, (hic.) Appointments active (hic.) | |
GREENBAGS. | |
* * * * * | |
Influence of Association. | |
Reading on one of the bulletin boards, the other day, the words "War to | |
the Last!" we were irresistibly reminded of the difficulty that lately | |
existed between the native and Chinese Crispins in Massachusetts. | |
* * * * * | |
THE WAY TO BECOME GREAT. | |
Half-witted people, only, will suppose I mean _grate_, for the most | |
obtuse nincompoop must know that anybody can become a grate man by going | |
into the stove business; but to develop yourself into a real _bona-fide_ | |
great man, like GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN or DANIEL PRATT, requires much | |
study and a persistent effort. I have carefully thought out this | |
subject, and have reduced my reflections and observations to a series of | |
rules, which, for the benefit of humanity, I propose to make public. | |
It must he premised that there are many varieties of great men. Daddy | |
LAMBERT was a great man, so was the living skeleton, yet even a casual | |
observer could perceive the difference in their greatness. The greatness | |
of the fleshy world is one thing; the greatness of the no-fleshy world | |
is another. Also, strange as it may seem, a man may be great and yet not | |
be great. HOOD was a great General, so was NAP 3, but they tell me that | |
Nashville and Saarbrucken are terrible commentaries on greatness. Also a | |
man may be great and not know it. They say that, until he had made his | |
grand success at Fort Fisher, you never could persuade BUTLER that he | |
was a great General. TUPPER, I am informed, would never believe that he | |
was the most remarkable poet ever produced by England. Also a man may be | |
great and be perfectly aware of it. Acquaintances of GEORGE FRANCIS | |
TRAIN, Gen. O'NEILL, and Count JOANNES, assert that no one knows, better | |
than these gentlemen, that they are great men. Also a man may die calmly | |
in the consciousness that he is a distinguished individual, and yet, | |
years afterwards, some magazine writer may cast historic doubts upon his | |
greatness. | |
Of course there are several classes of great people. There is the little | |
great man, (for example, NAP. 3,) the big great man, (BISMARCK,) the | |
great little man, (NAP. 1,) and the great big man, (the Onondaga giant.) | |
But the patient observer must perceive that general rules will cover all | |
these cases. | |
It is to be hoped that no one, who shall become great by means of my | |
rules, will turn upon me and revile me, when he finds himself | |
interviewed incessantly, persecuted by unearthings of his early sins, by | |
persistent beggars, by slanders of the envious, by libels of the press, | |
and by the other concomitants of greatness. You must take the sour with | |
the sweet. Even the sweetest orange may have an unpleasant rind. | |
RULES BY WHICH EVERY MAN CAN BECOME GREAT. | |
1. Always be sure to get what belongs to you, and make most vigorous | |
grabs for everything that belongs to everybody else. | |
2. Take everything which is offered to you, if it be on a par with what | |
you deem the standard of your worth. | |
This rule requires the exercise of much wisdom in its application. If, | |
for example, you look upon the Custom House as the office which is | |
adapted to you, don't, under any circumstances, take the appraiser's | |
position. But you must never let the rule work the other way. | |
3. Always have a policy. Talk about it much and often, and be sure to | |
call it "my policy." | |
The best of rules being liable to misconstruction, some Congressmen have | |
acted as if this rule read, "Always have a policy shop." | |
4. Always have a theory. If a murder has been committed, appear to know | |
all about the "dog," and to be familiar with its history from the time | |
when it was a pup. Be sure to fix suspicion upon some person, even if | |
you are compelled to eat your own words on the following day. | |
5. Talk much and often about protection, and give advice to farmers, | |
even if you don't know anything about agriculture. | |
6. Fill your head with classical quotations, and trot them out on all | |
occasions, whether discussing a bill for the diffusion of beans among | |
the Indians, or the Alabama claims. | |
7. Smoke many costly Havana cigars. | |
This rule has been lately discovered. | |
8. Get some one to write a history of CAESAR for you, or an account of a | |
tour in the Highlands, and then claim the work as your own. | |
There are one or two observations I would here make, which may be | |
useful. If you are ambitious, you had better commence at the lower | |
rounds of the ladder, in order that your ascent may be safe and rapid. | |
If you would be, for instance, a great statesman, be first an alderman; | |
if a great warrior, be first--well, say a tanner. Also, you should pay | |
particular attention to the clothes which you inhabit. An old white hat | |
and a slouchy old overcoat will insure you a nomination for the office | |
of Governor. | |
If, by following these rules and heeding these observations, you cannot | |
become a great man, you may rest assured that the fault is not in the | |
rules, but in you. What is already perfect cannot be made more perfect. | |
If you fail, after conscientiously following the above advice, (though | |
I'm not sure that the fact will not be the same, if you succeed,) it's | |
because you are already great--a great fool. | |
* * * * * | |
"THE <DW52> TROOPS FOUGHT NOBLY." | |
So far as the Franco-Prussian war has gone, the blackest page of its | |
history appears to be the employment of the Turcos, who are nearly as | |
black as average Nubian "<DW65>s." The expedient of mixing black troops | |
with white was not very successful during our own little war. Raids upon | |
hen-roosts were about the most prominent results of the experiment, | |
though said raids were magnified by the Rads into grand victories over | |
Confeds. The Turcos have done better, so far as mere fighting is | |
concerned; but their brutal outrages exceed so greatly the hen-roost | |
exploits of WENDELL PHILLIPS'S devoted <DW54>s, that they are certainly | |
entitled to be organized into battalions bearing the title of the | |
NAPOLEON Black Guards. | |
* * * * * | |
"THE VOICE OF THE TURTLE." | |
According to a newspaper paragraph, turtles are growing used to being | |
canned alive, now, on the Pacific Coast. On hearing of this atrocity, | |
the Nine Muses repaired at once to the office of PUNCHINELLO, and here | |
is the result of their visit: | |
'Tis the voice of the Turtle | |
That's heard in the land. | |
Crying, "Bother your care! | |
I don't want to be canned! | |
"Pack me whole in a tub, | |
Nor be stingy of ice, | |
What I want is a BERGH, | |
Nothing less will suffice." | |
* * * * * | |
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. | |
_Black-eyed Susan_ asks us whether a Pitched battle can take place on | |
land. | |
_Answer._--Certainly not. When we speak of a battle being Pitched we | |
mean that it has been fought by Tars. | |
_Fogbank._--"Is DANA, of _The Sun_, any relation to "Truthful JAMES," of | |
whom the _Overland Monthy_ has written?" | |
_Answer._--Distantly related, through intermarriage with the LONGBOWS. | |
_Moses._--We do not suppose that the person referred to by you as a | |
Dyer and Scourer is in any way related to OLIVER DYER, although the | |
latter person scoured Water Street some time since, and very | |
effectually, in pursuit of a "sensation." The word "Scourer," | |
nevertheless, might be an allowable corruption of "Esquire," when | |
applied to any of the proprietors of that mephitic daily, _The Sun_. | |
_Pickerel._--Will Mr. GREELEY be obliged to dress in court costume if he | |
accepts the mission to the Court of St. JAMES? | |
_Answer._--No. It would be contrary to Mr. GREELEY'S well-known | |
principles to get on "tights." | |
_Flagroot._--Is it correct to say the "balance" of an army, meaning the | |
rest of it? | |
_Answer._--Not always. When an army has turned the Scale of battle, | |
however, the word Balance may be used. | |
_Mary Jane._--I have embroidered a flag for the Prussian army, and am at | |
a loss for a motto. How would "Bear and Forbear" do? | |
_Answer._--"Beer and for Beer" would be better. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: "THERE!--I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE THE UNDERTOW THAT WOULD RUN | |
AWAY WITH ME!"] | |
* * * * * | |
A ROAR FROM NIAGARA. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--Having been reminded, by your recent notes on | |
Niagara, that there is a cataract of that name, possessed of height and | |
depth and breadth and volume and other well-known characteristics of a | |
genuine Waterfall, I thought I would go and see it for myself. Not that | |
I doubted your statements--which, indeed, are handsomely supported by | |
familiar statistics,--but certainly there is a charm in treading the | |
ground once trod by Greatness, breathing--well not the same air, I hope, | |
but some of the same kind,--viewing the identical scenes, and being | |
swindled by the self-same parties, that had just occasioned your | |
animated comments. | |
I don't know a charm at all comparable with that of being swindled in | |
the midst of fine scenery, when the funds and enthusiasm still hold out, | |
and the sense of actually getting the worth of one's money is not yet so | |
blunted by transactions calculated to awaken Thought, as to have lost | |
the power of increasing one's felicity. That the intelligent lad who | |
drove me was in league with every one of the parties who were stationed | |
here and there with the sole apparent purpose of receiving fifty cents | |
from visitors, I was loth to believe, though nothing could have been | |
plainer, if one had happened to think of it from the start. | |
Is it not funny, the way they serve their Congress Water at the Cataract | |
House? They put a big lump of ice in a tumbler, take a bottle from a | |
shelf, pour the warm, stale fluid, (tasting like _perspiration_, as one | |
might fancy,) into this glass, and expect you to wait till it has grown | |
cool enough to be palatable. Well, if you wait, you lose what little | |
life there is left in the stuff; and if you don't, you'll be sorry you | |
hadn't done so. | |
One may say, "You needn't have ordered any Congress Water." Very well, | |
but why not, provided I liked it? The clerk said they kept Vichy, also, | |
but I learned they were "out." I wish they had been out of Congress too. | |
"All right!" said I, "I shall enjoy my breakfast all the more, for I | |
know _that_ will make amends!" And it did. The "salmon trout" was dry, | |
as usual, but that breakfast was a good thing. I enjoyed it, and my two | |
<DW65>s and my New York paper of day before, (for which I paid a cute | |
looking boy in the hall ten cents, on my way to breakfast,) and was | |
happy. | |
Not, my dear P., till I reached the "other side," and had been inveigled | |
into the Museum Hotel, and persuaded into those vile wrappings of | |
oil-cloth, with the ponderous rubbers over my thick boots, and had stood | |
around for some time, awaiting the pleasure of the very leisurely guide, | |
sweating at every pore, (or _nearly_ every one, for there are several | |
millions, I believe, and I so hate exaggeration,) and trying to evade | |
the glances of the amused bystanders, did I begin to realize the | |
enormity of the imposition that had been practised on me. Just fancy | |
_yourself_, Mr PUNCHINELLO, in such a costume, taking a seemingly | |
interminable walk in a hot sun, down ever so many steps, encased in | |
those nasty articles of gear, in the company of several other helpless | |
unfortunates, wishing with all your might yon were already there!" | |
"But the grandeur and glory of the adventure will console me!" I | |
murmured. Grandeur be hanged! A fig for the "glory!" What! do you call | |
this "going under the Falls,"--that renowned journey, so full of peril? | |
Pooh! merely standing in a bath-tub and letting somebody pull the | |
string! You don't get quite so wet; that's all. Where's the "danger," | |
where's the "glory," of merely stepping under a little spirt from one | |
end of the Falls, with plenty of room to stand, and no darkness, no | |
mystery, no nothing. Nothing but an overwhelming sense of being a cussed | |
fool, and a simpleton, and a stupid, _and_ a dunce! | |
Oh, the going back, after that! in the same loathed costume, inwardly | |
justifying the laughter of the knowing loungers as you ascend among | |
them, and cursing yourself as the chief among ten thousand | |
(ninnies,)--the one altogether idiotic. | |
Except for this enormous swindle, dear P., I should have enjoyed | |
Niagara, and Niagara would doubtless have enjoyed me. But this | |
preposterous, disgusting, outrageous, ridiculous, contemptible, | |
disgraceful, _unsurpassable_ swindle prevented anything like a mutual | |
understanding. I saw green in the Falls, the Falls saw green in me. The | |
Falls kept coming down; I had already come down, (with my dollars,) and, | |
in fact, was perpetually descending, with sums varying from twenty-five | |
cents to four dollars and a half. | |
My sole object, friend PUNCHINELLO, in addressing you on this subject, | |
is to beg and beseech that you will warn the too-credulous and | |
too-generous public against this unmatchably atrocious swindle of Going | |
Under the Falls. It is too much for proud Humanity, Mr. P.! It is | |
crushing! It is withering! It is annihilating! What! "Annex" this fraud? | |
Never!--NEVER! | |
TUPMAN. | |
* * * * * | |
THE POSSIBLE "WHY?" OF IT. | |
The personal feeling against the French Emperor, so often displayed in | |
the columns of the _Tribune_, has frequently been a subject of comment. | |
Nevertheless it is easily accounted for. As Louis NAPOLEON is said to | |
detest _ham_, ever since he was incarcerated in the fortress of that | |
name, so does the Hon. HORACE GREELEY detest _him_, ever since he (H. | |
G.) was arrested in France for some offence, real or imaginary, which we | |
cannot now recall to mind, and thrown into prison at Clichy. And to | |
this, also, may be traced the celebrated _bon mot of_ Mr. GREELEY, who | |
once remarked, on a festive occasion, that "Ham was afflicted with | |
_trichinosis_ when it had Louis NAPOLEON in it." | |
* * * * * | |
A HINT FOR EXCURSIONISTS. | |
On account of the present nauseating condition of New York Bay, owing to | |
the offal nuisance, no prudent voyager should seek to stem its feculent | |
tide unless provided with "something to take." An intelligent | |
correspondent suggests that brandy would be about the thing, but that it | |
should be labelled "Bay Bum." | |
* * * * * | |
A Military Opinion. | |
The "Prussian centre," of which we hear so much just now, ought to be | |
permanently established at Cologne, which place has been, in feet, the | |
Scenter of the world for generations past. | |
* * * * * | |
BOOK NOTICE. | |
LIFE OF CHARLES DICKENS. By E. SHELTON MACKENZIE, LL.D,, Philadelphia: | |
T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS. | |
In this volume of 484 pages, Dr. MACKENZIE brings before his readers a | |
very full and interesting compilation of facts relating to the career of | |
the great novelist. Besides these, the volume contains a number of | |
characteristic articles from the pen of DICKENS, published, originally, | |
in _All the Year Round_, some of which are of recent date. The book is | |
embellished with a portrait and autograph of DICKENS. | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
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| SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard; | | |
| value $1.50 to $3 | | |
| | | |
| PLAIN FOULARD, | | |
| | | |
| $1.50, value $2 per yard. | | |
| 24 inch Black and White | | |
| Striped $1.75; value $2.50. | | |
| | | |
| STRIPED SATINS, | | |
| | | |
| $1.25; value $2. | | |
| | | |
| Plain and Striped Japanese, | | |
| | | |
| 75c. and $1 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| Rich White and Dress Satins, | | |
| | | |
| Extra Quality. | | |
| | | |
| A CHOICE LINE OF | | |
| | | |
| PLAIN GRAINS, | | |
| | | |
| for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3; | | |
| value $3 to $3.50 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| A FEW EXTRA RICH | | |
| | | |
| SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| Black and , $2. | | |
| | | |
| JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH | | |
| | | |
| SILKS. | | |
| | | |
| GREAT BARGAINS. | | |
| | | |
| A COMPLETE STOCK | | |
| | | |
| BLACK SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| At popular prices. | | |
| | | |
| PLAIN AND STRIPED | | |
| | | |
| GAZE DE CHAMBREY, | | |
| | | |
| Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A. T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| Are offering several lots of | | |
| | | |
| HOUSEKEEPING GOODS | | |
| | | |
| MUCH BELOW | | |
| | | |
| COST OF IMPORTATION. | | |
| | | |
| 5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK | | |
| NAPKINS, from $1 to $3.50 per doz. | | |
| | | |
| DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from | | |
| $1.50 to $2.75 each. | | |
| | | |
| Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all | | |
| linen, from 40 to 75c. per yard. | | |
| | | |
| LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per | | |
| yard. | | |
| | | |
| PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard | | |
| | | |
| LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, | | |
| at $2.5O and upward. | | |
| | | |
| Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 | | |
| per doz. and upward. | | |
| | | |
| Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 | | |
| per yard and upward. | | |
| | | |
| Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard | | |
| pieces, $3.25 per piece. | | |
| | | |
| Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery | | |
| Diapers, various widths, at $1 per piece | | |
| below Current prices. | | |
| | | |
| MARSEILLES | | |
| | | |
| QUILTS AND BLANKETS, | | |
| | | |
| AT LOW PRICES. | | |
| | | |
| Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | | |
| Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | | |
| Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | | |
| Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | | |
| published in America. | | |
| | | |
| CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | | |
| | | |
| Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | | |
| " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | | |
| " " three months, " " 1.00 | | |
| Single copies mailed free, for .10 | | |
| | | |
| We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | | |
| CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year, and | | |
| | | |
| "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | | |
| Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $3.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | | |
| Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | | |
| Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $5.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Group of Chickens; | | |
| Group of Ducklings; | | |
| Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | | |
| The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | | |
| The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | | |
| Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $6.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | | |
| Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | | |
| Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | | |
| The Kid's Play Ground. ll x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $7.50 chromos | | |
| | | |
| Strawberries and Baskets. | | |
| Cherries and Baskets. | | |
| Currants. Each 13x18. | | |
| Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | | |
| Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | | |
| (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $10 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | | |
| Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | | |
| Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | | |
| Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | | |
| 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | | |
| for $10.00 | | |
| | | |
| Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | | |
| Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | | |
| sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | | |
| otherwise ordered. | | |
| | | |
| Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | | |
| twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | | |
| advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | | |
| money. | | |
| | | |
| CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | | |
| given. For special terms address the Company. | | |
| | | |
| The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | | |
| seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | | |
| specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | | |
| getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box 2783. | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
[Illustration: DODD'S LANDLADY IS VERY LAVISH OF "FLY-PAPER," AND, AS | |
DODD NEVER KNOWS WHERE HE PUTS HIMSELF OR HIS HAT, THE RESULT IS RATHER | |
AMUSING.] | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| "The Printing House of the United States." | | |
| | | |
| GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | | |
| | | |
| General JOB PRINTERS, | | |
| | | |
| BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | | |
| STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | | |
| LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | | |
| COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | | |
| CARD Manufacturers, | | |
| ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | | |
| FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | | |
| | | |
| 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | | |
| 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | | |
| | | |
| ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | | |
| immediate supervision of the proprietors. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | | |
| | | |
| will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | | |
| prepared. | | |
| | | |
| COMBINATION EXCURSION | | |
| | | |
| OR | | |
| | | |
| Round Trip Tickets, | | |
| | | |
| Valid during the the entire season, and embracing | | |
| Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | | |
| Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | | |
| Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | | |
| all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | | |
| Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | | |
| rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | | |
| the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | | |
| region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | | |
| Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 | | |
| Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue Harlem; 338 | | |
| Fulton St. Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | | |
| foot of 23rd St, New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | | |
| Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | | |
| hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | | |
| well as all the necessary information. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," | | |
| "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the | | |
| world. | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of | | |
| stamp. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| With a large and varied experience in the management | | |
| and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | | |
| and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | | |
| Capital to justify the undertaking, the | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | |
| | | |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | | |
| | | |
| Presents to the public for approval, the new | | |
| | | |
| ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | | |
| | | |
| WEEKLY PAPER, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| The first number of which was issued under | | |
| date of April 2. | | |
| | | |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | | |
| | | |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | | |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | | |
| day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | | |
| | | |
| Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | | |
| postage stamps are inclosed. | | |
| | | |
| TERMS: | | |
| | | |
| One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies .10 | | |
| | | |
| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | | |
| receipt of ten cents. | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | | |
| magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for $5.50 | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for $7.00 | | |
| | | |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, | | |
| P.O. Box 2783, NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | | |
| | | |
| The New Burlesque Serial, Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO | | |
| BY ORPHEUS C. KERR, | | |
| | | |
| Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | | |
| year. | | |
| | | |
| A sketch of the eminent author written by his bosom friend, | | |
| with superb illustrations of | | |
| | | |
| 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | | |
| TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | | |
| | | |
| 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | | |
| as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found at the | | |
| same number. | | |
| | | |
| Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | | |
| this office, free,) Ten Cents. | | |
| | | |
| Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | | |
| Premium, $4. | | |
| | | |
| Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | | |
| serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | | |
| ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | | |
| receipt weekly. | | |
| | | |
| We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | | |
| one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | | |
| receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau | | |
| St., New York | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
Geo. W. Wheat & Co. Printers, No. 8 Spruce Street. | |
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 24, September | |
10, 1870, by Various | |
*** |