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Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze | |
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. | |
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| | | |
| "The Printing House of the United States." | | |
| | | |
| GEO. F. NESBITT &CO., | | |
| | | |
| General JOB PRINTERS, | | |
| BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | | |
| STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | | |
| LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | | |
| COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | | |
| CARD Manufacturers, | | |
| ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | | |
| FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | | |
| | | |
| 163,165,167, and 169 PEARL ST., | | |
| | | |
| 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. | | |
| | | |
| ADVANTAGES--All on the same premises, and under the | | |
| immediate supervision of the proprietors. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| TO NEWS-DEALERS. | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | | |
| | | |
| THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | | |
| | | |
| Bound in a Handsome Cover, | | |
| | | |
| Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. | | |
| | | |
| THE TRADE | | |
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| SUPPLIED BY THE | | |
| | | |
| AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | | |
| | | |
| Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | | |
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+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
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| HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | | |
| | | |
| STEEL PENS. | | |
| | | |
| These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | | |
| than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | | |
| called to the following grades, as being better suited for | | |
| business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | | |
| | | |
| "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | | |
| | | |
| We recommend for bank and office use. | | |
| | | |
| D. APPLETON &. CO., | | |
| | | |
| _Sole Agents for United States_ | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
[Illustration: Vol. 1 No. 5] | |
PUNCHINELLO | |
SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 1870. | |
PUBLISHED BY THE | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | |
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. | |
* * * * * | |
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| | | |
| _CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the | | |
| paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of | | |
| One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau | | |
| Street, New-York City._ | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | | |
| to Oil Paintings. Sold in All Stores throughout the World. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S WEEKLY BULLETIN OF CHROMOS.--"Easter Morning" | | |
| "Family Scene in Pompeii" "Whittier's Birthplace," | | |
| Illustrated Catalogue sent, on receipt of stamp, by L. PRANG | | |
| & CO., Boston. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO" | | |
| | | |
| SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | | |
| | | |
| J. NICKINSON, | | |
| | | |
| Room No. 4, | | |
| | | |
| 83 NASSAU STREET. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| The Greatest Horse Book ever Published. | | |
| | | |
| HIRAM WOODRUFF | | |
| | | |
| ON THE | | |
| | | |
| TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA! | | |
| | | |
| _How to Train, and Drive Him_. | | |
| | | |
| With Reminiscences of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, | | |
| with a splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. | | |
| Price, extra cloth, $2.25. | | |
| | | |
| The New-York Tribune says: "_This is a Masterly Treatise by | | |
| the Master of his Profession_--the ripened product of forty | | |
| years' experience in Handling, Training, Riding, and Driving | | |
| the Trotting Horse. There is no book like It in any language | | |
| on the subject of which it treats." | | |
| | | |
| BONNER says in the _Ledger_, "It is a book for which every | | |
| man who owns a horse ought to subscribe. The information | | |
| which it contains is worth ten times its cost." For sale by | | |
| all booksellers, or single copies sent post-paid on receipt | | |
| of price. | | |
| | | |
| Agents wanted. J. B. FORD & CO., | | |
| | | |
| Printing-House Square, New-York, | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Thomas J. Rayner & Co;, | | |
| | | |
| 29 LIBERTY STREET, | | |
| | | |
| New-York, | | |
| | | |
| MANUFACTURERS OF THE | | |
| | | |
| _Finest Cigars made in the United States_. | | |
| | | |
| All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | | |
| any responsible house. Also importers of the | | |
| | | |
| _"FUSBOS" BRAND_, | | |
| | | |
| Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | | |
| ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | | |
| | | |
| Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | | |
| calling at | | |
| | | |
| 29 LIBERTY STREET. | | |
| | | |
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| | | |
| Notice to Ladies. | | |
| | | |
| DIBBLEE, | | |
| | | |
| Of 854 Broadway, | | |
| | | |
| Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | | |
| styles of | | |
| | | |
| Chignons, Chatelaines, etc., | | |
| | | |
| FROM PARIS, | | |
| | | |
| Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | | |
| | | |
| La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, | | |
| | | |
| La Sirene, L'Imperatrice, etc., | | |
| | | |
| At prices varying from $2 upward. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| WEVILL & HAMMAR, | | |
| | | |
| Wood Engravers, | | |
| | | |
| No. 208 BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| NEW-YORK. | | |
| | | |
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| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| With a large and varied experience in the management and | | |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | | |
| with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | | |
| to justify the undertaking, the | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | |
| | | |
| Presents to the public for approval, the | | |
| | | |
| NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | | |
| | | |
| WEEKLY PAPER, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| The first number of which will be Issued under date of April | | |
| 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will | | |
| endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | | |
| country; and to that end has secured a | | |
| | | |
| VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | | |
| | | |
| in various sections of the Union, while its columns will | | |
| always be open to appropriate first-class literary and | | |
| artistic talent. | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, | | |
| without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | | |
| printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | | |
| by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | | |
| who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | | |
| or by subscription from this office. | | |
| | | |
| The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | | |
| Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | | |
| him in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | | |
| leading artists in their respective specialties. | | |
| | | |
| The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | | |
| A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | | |
| both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | | |
| | | |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | | |
| | | |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | | |
| ideas sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | | |
| day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | | |
| | | |
| Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | | |
| postage-stamps are inclosed. | | |
| | | |
| Terms: | | |
| | | |
| One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies, ten cents. | | |
| | | |
| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | | |
| cents. | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | | |
| or paper, price, $2.50, for 5.50 | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | | |
| | | |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO, | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, | | |
| | | |
| NEW-YORK. | | |
| | | |
| P. O. Box, 2783. | | |
| | | |
| _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ | | |
| | | |
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| | | |
| Mercantile Library, | | |
| | | |
| Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | | |
| | | |
| NEW-YORK. | | |
| | | |
| This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the | | |
| number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | | |
| volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | | |
| made of all new and popular works. | | |
| | | |
| Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents | | |
| each delivery. | | |
| | | |
| TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | | |
| | | |
| TO CLERKS, | | |
| | | |
| $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | | |
| | | |
| TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | | |
| | | |
| SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. | | |
| | | |
| BRANCH OFFICES | | |
| | | |
| AT | | |
| | | |
| NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | | |
| | | |
| AND AT | | |
| | | |
| Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | | |
| | | |
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| | | |
| AMERICAN | | |
| | | |
| BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| SEWING-MACHINE CO., | | |
| | | |
| 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | | |
| | | |
| This great combination machine is the last and greatest | | |
| improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | | |
| all the work done on best, Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | | |
| | | |
| BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES: | | |
| | | |
| in all fabrics. | | |
| | | |
| Machine, with finely finished | | |
| | | |
| OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | | |
| | | |
| complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | | |
| $60, This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | | |
| to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | | |
| market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | | |
| purchasers. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| HENRY SPEAR | | |
| | | |
| STATIONER, PRINTER, | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | | |
| | | |
| ACCOUNT BOOKS | | |
| | | |
| MADE TO ORDER. | | |
| | | |
| PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | | |
| | | |
| 82 Wall Street, | | |
| | | |
| NEW-YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
[Illustration: THE WARNING OF THE BELLE | |
LOOK OUT FOR THE TRAIN] | |
* * * * * | |
PATRIOTIC ADORATION. | |
A TALE OF PHILADELPHIA. | |
People of the Quaker City, | |
How the world must stand aghast | |
At your wondrous veneration | |
For those relics of the past, | |
Kept in such precise condition, | |
Fostered with such tender care-- | |
Don't, oh! don't the Philadelphians | |
Love old Independence Square? | |
Splendid are its walks and grass-plots | |
Where the bootblacks base-ball play, | |
And its seats resembling toad-stools, | |
On which loafers lounge all day, | |
Waiting for their luck, or gazing | |
At the office of the Mayor-- | |
Don't, oh! don't the Philadelphians | |
Love old Independence Square? | |
Then, behold the fine old State-house | |
Cleanly kept inside and out, | |
Where the faithful office-holders | |
Squirt tobacco-juice about: | |
Placards highly ornamental | |
Decorate its outward wall-- | |
Don't, oh! don't the Philadelphians | |
Love old Independence Hall? | |
O! ye gods and little fishes! | |
Could bill-sticker be so vile | |
As to paste up nasty posters | |
On the sacred classic pile? | |
Greece and Rome yet have their relics, | |
But what are they? very small. | |
Never half so venerated | |
As old Independence Hall. | |
* * * * * | |
PERIODICAL LITERATURE. | |
PUNCHINELLO has hitherto refrained from criticising the periodicals of | |
the day, from the mistaken idea that superlative excellence was not | |
expected in every number of every daily or weekly journal in the land. | |
He did not know that, if every such journal was not edited so as to suit | |
the comprehension of all classes of cursory critics, it should be | |
unqualifiedly condemned. Supposing that a painter should not condemn a | |
paper for publishing a musical article beyond his comprehension, and | |
that an architect ought not to get in a rage because he finds in his | |
favorite journal a paper on beavers which makes him feel insignificant, | |
PUNCHINELLO has generally looked around upon his fellow-journalists, and | |
thought them very good fellows, who generally published very good | |
papers. He did not find superlative excellence in any of their issues, | |
but then he did not look for it. He might as well pretend to look for | |
that in the journalists themselves, or in society at large. But he has | |
lately learned, from the critics of the period, that he ought to look | |
for it, and that it is the proper thing nowadays to pitch into every | |
journal which does not, in every part, please every body, whether they | |
be smart or dull; those quick of appreciation, or those slow gentlemen | |
who always come in with their congratulations upon the birth of a joke | |
at the time its funeral is taking place. And so, PUNCHINELLO will do as | |
others do, and will occasionally view, from the loop-hole in his | |
curtain, the successes and failures of his neighbors, and will give his | |
patrons the benefit of his observations. | |
The first thing he notices to-day is, that the _Evening Snail_ of last | |
night is not so good as it was a fortnight ago; or, let us think a | |
bit--it may have been a good number at the beginning of last month that | |
he was thinking of; at all events, this last issue is inferior. The | |
matter on the first page is not printed in nearly as good type as the | |
original periodicals had it, and while the letters in the heading are | |
quite fair, it is very noticeable that the I's are very defective, and | |
there is no C in it. The "Gleanings" are excellent, and it would be | |
advisable to have more of them--if indeed such a thing were possible in | |
this case. The spider-work inside shows no acquaintance with the | |
writings of BACH or GLIDDON, and there is nothing about the Spectrum | |
Analysis in any part of the paper. Besides, the paper is too stiff and | |
rattles too much, and PUNCHINELLO could never abide the color of the | |
editor's pantaloons. Why will not people dress and write so that every | |
body can admire and understand them. Especially in regard to witty | |
things and breastpins They ought to be loud, overpowering, and so | |
glaring that people could not help seeing them. And they ought to be a | |
little cheap, too, or average people won't comprehend them. In both | |
cases paste (and scissors) pays better than diamonds. The reports of | |
private parties in the _Snail_ are, however, very good, and if it would | |
confine its original matter to such subjects, it could not fail to | |
succeed. | |
* * * * * | |
A Query for Physicians. | |
Are people's tastes apt to become Vichy-ated by the excessive use of | |
certain mineral waters? | |
* * * * * | |
"Behold, how Pleasant a Thing 't is," etc. | |
Boston has a couple of clergymen who have fallen out upon matters not | |
precisely theological. In the summer, the Rev. Mr. MURRAY leaves his | |
sheep, to shoot deer by torchlight in the Adirondacks. This the Rev. Mr. | |
ALGER, in addressing the Suppression of Cruelty to Animals Society, | |
denounces as extremely wicked. From all which Mr. PUNCHINELLO, taking up | |
his discourse, infers, | |
_First_. That it is a great deal more wicked to shoot deer by torchlight | |
than by daylight. | |
_Secondly_. That the Rev. MURRAY and the Rev. ALGER are of different | |
religious persuasions. | |
_Thirdly and lastly_. That the Rev. Mr. ALGER doesn't love venison. | |
P. S. Persons desiring to present Mr. PUNCHINELLO with a fine haunch, | |
(in the season,) may shoot it by daylight, moonlight, torchlight, or by | |
a Drummond light, as most convenient. | |
* * * * * | |
We are indebted to Mr. SARONY for a number of brilliant photographs of | |
celebrities of the day. Lovely woman is well represented the batch, with | |
all the characters of which PUNCHINELLO hopes to present his readers, | |
from time to time. | |
* * * * * | |
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District | |
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: ALL ABOARD FOR HOLLAND!] | |
PUNCHINELLO understands that a performance is soon to take place at the | |
Academy of Music, for the benefit of GEORGE HOLLAND, the well-known and | |
ever-green "veteran" of "the stage." It pleases PUNCHINELLO to know that | |
a combination of talent and beauty is to be brought together for so | |
worthy a purpose. Seventy-four years ago, when GEORGE HOLLAND was a | |
small child, PUNCHINELLO used to dandle him upon his knee. Hardly four | |
years have passed since PUNCHINELLO was convulsed by the _Tony Lumpkin_ | |
of HOLLAND. He distinctly remembers, too, administering hot whiskey | |
punch to little boy HOLLAND with a tea-spoon, which may in some measure | |
account for the Spirit subsequently infused by the capital comedian into | |
the numerous bits of character presented by him. Considering these | |
facts, it is manifestly an incumbent duty on the part of PUNCHINELLO to | |
request the earnest attention of his readers to the subject of GEORGE | |
HOLLAND'S benefit, all particulars concerning which will be given due | |
time through the public press. It used to be said, long ago, that "the | |
Dutch have taken Holland," Well, let our own modern Knickerbockers | |
improve upon that notion, by taking HOLLAND'S tickets. Remember how, | |
in the early settlement of the country, it was Holland that made | |
New-York, and see that New-York now returns the compliment, and makes | |
HOLLAND. Convivial songsters frequently remind us that-- | |
--"a Hollander's draught should potent be, | |
And deep as the rolling Zuyder Zee." | |
Mind this, all ye Hollanders who would give your support to our HOLLAND. | |
Let your drafts be potent, your cheeks heavy, your attendance punctual. | |
Make the affair complete; so that when, here-after, a comparison is | |
sought for something that has been a sued people will say of it--"As big | |
as that Bumper of HOLLAND'S." | |
* * * * * | |
ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS. | |
(BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.) | |
No. I. | |
FATHER (_to_ DAUGHTER, _who is looking through a telescope_.) Yes HELENE, | |
that is the Planet Tellus, or Earth. The darker streaks are land; the | |
bright spots, water. We begin with a low power, which shows only the | |
masses; presently you will have the pleasure of discriminating not only | |
rivers and chains of mountains, but cities--single houses--even Human | |
Beings! Yes, you shall this very night read page of PUNCHINELLO, a paper | |
so bright that every word appears surrounded by a halo! | |
DAUGHTER. O father! do that _now_. How delightful, to actually read the | |
works of these singular creature's, and become familiar with their | |
extraordinary ideas! Were the scintillations you spoke of the other | |
night, that were seen all over the Western Continent, the result of the | |
flashing of these radiant pages? | |
F. Undoubtedly, my child; they began with the first issue of the paper, | |
and have since regularly increased in brightness, just as It has. | |
D. It really seems as though Earth would answer for a Moon, by and by, at | |
this rate! | |
F. You are quite right, HELENE; it will. Or say, rather, a Sun. For you | |
will observe that it is a _warm_ light; not cool, as reflected light | |
always is. It is Original. | |
D. Well, this shows that PUNCHINELLO must have some Heart, as well as | |
Head. Come, put on your highest power now, and let us seem to pay good | |
old Tellus a visit! | |
[_The indulgent Father complies, and, is at some pains to adjust the | |
focus_.] | |
F. Now, dear! take a good look. | |
D. (_Looking intently_.) Oh! how splendid--how splendid! _Do_ see the | |
beautiful things in those Shop Windows! It must be the Spring Season | |
there! _Do_ see those lovely lumps on the backs of those creatures' | |
heads! What place is it, Father? | |
F. That? It's New-York; and the street is the famous Broadway. | |
D. O dear! how I _would_ like to go shopping there, this minute!--for I | |
see it is afternoon in that quarter. Is there no way of getting | |
there?(!!!) | |
F. (_Laughing heartily_.) Well, well, HELENE! That's pretty good, for | |
the daughter of an astronomer! Do you know that at this precise moment | |
you are Forty-five Million, Six Hundred and Fifty-four Thousand, Four | |
Hundred and Ninety-one Miles and a half from those Muslins! I'll tell | |
you, Sis, what _could_ be done: Drop a line to the Editor of | |
PUNCHINELLO, and tell him what you want. He'll get it, some way. | |
D. That I will, instantly! [_Turns to her portfolio, while her father | |
turns to the telescope_.] | |
"DEAR MR. EDITOR: Pardon the seeming _boldness_ of a _stranger:_ you are | |
no _stranger to me!_ Long, _long_ have I deceived that _good man_, my | |
father, by _pretending_ to know _nothing_ of the Earth, or of his | |
_instrument!_ Many and _many_ a night, _unknown to him_, have I gone to | |
the _Telescope_, to satisfy the _restless craving_ I feel to know more | |
of _your Planet_, and of a _person of your sex_ whom I have _often_ | |
beheld, and watched with _eagerness_ as he came and went. How | |
_thrilling_ the thought, that he cannot even _know of my existence_, and | |
that we are _forever separated!_ This, good and _dear_ Editor, is my one | |
Thought, my one great Agony. | |
"It has occurred to me that, in this _dreadful_ situation--my Passion | |
being sufficiently Hopeless, as any one may see--you might at least | |
afford me some slight _alleviation_, by undertaking to let Him know of | |
the _interest_ he excites in this far-off star! Let me describe my | |
charmer, so that you will be able to identify him. He is of fair size, | |
with a rolling gait and a smiling countenance, has light hair and | |
complexion, wears often a White Hat, (on the back of his head--where | |
Thoughtful men always place the hat, I've been told by observers,) and | |
now and then carelessly leaves one leg of his trowsers at the top of his | |
boot. I have often seen him, with a bundle of papers in his pocket, | |
entering a large building with the words "_Tribune_ Office" over the | |
door--and I _adore_ him! O excellent Editor! tell him this, I _implore_ | |
you! Be kind to your distant and _love-lorn_ friend, | |
HELENE." | |
F. What did you say, Helene? | |
D. I was saying that I wished to look a little longer at the fashions in | |
Broadway. | |
F. Well, well--I believe the Fashions are all that these women think of! | |
There--look away! I presume they have changed considerably since you | |
looked before! When do you wish to begin your lessons in Astronomy? | |
D. Next week. Father; let me see: we will say, next week--Thursday. | |
F. Very well; I shall remind you. | |
D. (_who is determined to have the last word, any way_.) Very well. | |
* * * * * | |
Beach's Soliloquy on entering his Pneumatic Chamber. | |
"TU-BE or not tu-be." | |
* * * * * | |
Reflection by a Tallow-chandler. | |
Though a man be the Mould of fashion, yet he cannot light himself to bed | |
by the Dip in his back. | |
* * * * * | |
PLAYS AND SHOWS. | |
[Illustration: 'M'] | |
_MEN AND ACRES,_ the new comedy at WALLACK'S, is one of the best of | |
TAYLOR'S pieces, and a decided improvement upon the carpenter work of | |
BOUCICAULT. It has been rechristened by Mr. WALLACK, and its former | |
name--_Old Men and New Acres, or New Aches and Old Manors,_ or something | |
else of that sort--has been conveniently shortened. If it does not | |
convince us that the author has improved since he first began to write | |
plays, it certainly reminds us that there is such a thing as _Progress_. | |
In the latter play, Mr. J.W. WALLACK was a civil engineer. In the | |
present drama, he is an uncivil tradesman. Both appeal to the levelling | |
tendencies of the age; and in each, the author has done his "level | |
best"--as Mr. GRANT WHITE would say--to flatter the Family Circle at the | |
expense of the Boxes. | |
The cast includes a Vague Baronet and his Managing Wife, their Slangy | |
Daughter, their Unpleasant Neighbor and his wife and daughter, an | |
Unintelligible Dutchman, an Innocuous Youth, a Disagreeable Lawyer, and | |
the Merchant Prince. This is the sort of way in which they conduct | |
themselves, | |
_Act_ 1. _Disagreeable Lawyer to Vague Baronet:_ "You are ruined, and | |
your estate is mortgaged to a Merchant Prince. What do you intend to | |
do?" | |
_Vague Baronet._ "I will ask my wife what I think about it." | |
_Enter Managing Wife._ "Ruined, are we? Allow me to remark, | |
Fiddlesticks! Get the Merchant to take our third-story hall-bedroom for | |
a week, and I'll soon clear off the mortgage." | |
_Enter Slangy Daughter._ "O ma! there was such a precious guy at the | |
ball last night, and I had no end of a lark with him. Good gracious! | |
here comes the duffer himself." | |
_Enter Merchant Prince. (Aside.)_ "So here's the Vague Baronet and his | |
wife. And there's the slangy girl I fell in love with. Nice lot they | |
are!" (_To Managing Wife._) "Madam, there is nothing, so grand as the | |
majesty of trade. Your rank and blood are all gammon. We Merchant | |
Princes are the only people fit to live. However, I'll condescend to | |
speak to you." | |
_Managing Wife. (Aside.)_ "How noble! What a gentlemanly person he | |
really is!" _(To Merchant Prince.)_ "Sir, I bid you welcome. Here is my | |
daughter, who was just praising your beauty and accomplishments. I leave | |
you to entertain her." (_Exeunt Baronet, Wife, and Lawyer_.) | |
_Merchant Prince (placing his chair next to Slangy Daughter's, and | |
leaning his elbow on her.)_ "There is nothing like trade. We tradesmen | |
alone are great. We despise the whole lot of clean and idle aristocrats. | |
I keep a Gin Palace in Liverpool. Does your bloated aristocracy do half | |
as much for suffering humanity?" | |
_Slangy Daughter._ "Speak on, speak ever thus, O Noble Being! It's | |
awfully jolly!" | |
_Curtain falls, and Baker wakes up to lead his orchestra through the | |
mazes of "Shoo Fly."_ | |
_Appreciative Lady._ "Isn't it nice? Miss HENRIQUES'S dress is perfectly | |
beautiful, and it sounds so cunning to hear her talk slang." | |
_Second Appreciative Lady._ "How handsome ROCKWELL looks! Just like a | |
real baronet, my dear!" | |
_Other Appreciative Ladies._ "The dresses at WALLACK'S are always | |
perfectly exquisite. I mean to have my next dress made with a green silk | |
fichu, a moire antique bertha, and little point lace peplums and | |
gussets, just like Miss MESTAYER'S. Won't it be sweet?" | |
_All the Counter-Jumpers in the Theatre._ "JIM WALLACK'S the boy! Don't | |
he talk up to those aristocratic snobs, though?" | |
_Act 2. Enter Unpleasant Neighbor and Unintelligible German. The former | |
says,_ "You're sure there's an iron mine on the Baronet's land?" | |
_Unintelligible German._ "Ya! Das ist um-um-um." | |
_Enter Merchant Prince and Slangy Daughter. Exeunt the other fellows._ | |
_Merchant Prince._ "There is nothing like the grandeur of trade; and yet | |
we tradesmen are not proud. See! I offer to marry you." | |
_Slangy daughter._ "I love you wildly! _(Aside.)_ I do hope he won't | |
rumple my hair." | |
_Merchant Prince._ "Come to my arrums! The majesty of trade is so | |
infinitely above any thing else"--_and so forth._ | |
_Enter Managing Wife._ "Take her, noble Merchant, and be happy | |
_(Aside.)_ This settles the affair of the mortgage." _(To Daughter)_ | |
"Come, darling, we'll go and tell your father." _(They go.)_ | |
_Enter Unpleasant Neighbor._ "Here's a telegram for you. No bad news, I | |
hope?" | |
_Merchant Prince._ "I am ruined unless you lend me L40,000. Do it, and I | |
will assign to you the mortgage on the baronet's property. The majesty | |
of trade is something which"-- | |
_Unpleasant Neighbor._ "Here it is." _(Aside.)_ "Now I'll get possession | |
of the estate and the iron-mine." | |
_Enter Managing Wife._ "Ruined, are you? Of course you can't have my | |
daughter now." | |
_Merchant Prince._ "I resign her. We tradesmen are infinitely greater | |
than you aristocrats." | |
_Curtain falls, Baker wakes up. "Shoo Fly" by the Orchestra, and remarks | |
on dress by the ladies as before. Counter-jumpers go out to drink to the | |
majesty of trade, having grown perceptibly taller since the play began._ | |
_Act 3. Unprincipled Neighbor to Unintelligible Dutchman._ "Have you got | |
the analysis of the iron ore?" | |
_Unintelligible Dutchman._ "Ya! Das its um-um-um." | |
_Unprincipled Neighbor._ "All right! Now I'll foreclose the mortgage, | |
and will be richer than ever." | |
_Enter Vague Baronet, and Wife and Daughter, and Lawyer. To them | |
collectively remarks the Unprincipled Neighbor,_ "The mortgage is due. | |
As you can't pay, you've got to move out." | |
_Disagreeable Lawyer._ "Not much! Here's an analysis of iron ore found | |
on our land. We raised money on the mine, and are ready to pay off the | |
mortgage." | |
_Enter Merchant Prince._ "Here's an analysis of the iron ore. I told | |
them all about it. We tradesmen are great, but we will sometimes help | |
even a wretched aristocrat." | |
_Slangy Daughter._ "Here's an analysis of the iron ore. Now I will marry | |
my noble Merchant, and make him rich again; for there's dead loads of | |
iron on the Governor's land, you bet!" | |
_They all produce analyses of the ore, and the play itself being o'er, | |
the curtain falls._ | |
_Exasperated critic, who has sent for twelve seats, and has been | |
politely refused._ "I'd like to abuse it, if there was a chance; but | |
there isn't. The play is really good, and I can't find much fault with | |
the acting. However, I'll pitch into STODDARD for swearing, which his | |
'Unprincipled Neighbor' does to an unnecessary extent, and I'll say that | |
JIM WALLACK is too old and gouty to play the 'Merchant Prince,' and | |
doesn't quite forget that he used to play in the Bowery." | |
_Every body else._ "Did you ever see a play better acted? And did you | |
ever see actresses better dressed?" | |
And PUNCHINELLO is constrained to answer the latter question with an | |
emphatic No! As to the acting, it might be improved were Mr. STODDARD to | |
play the character for which he is cast, instead of insisting upon | |
playing nothing but STODDARD. But to all the rest of the actors, not | |
forgetting Mr. RINGGOLD, who plays the insignificant part of the | |
"Innocuous Youth," PUNCHINELLO is pleased to accord his gracious | |
approval. | |
MATADOR. | |
* * * * * | |
A Balmy Idea. | |
According to Miss ANTHONY, the crying evil with women is that they will | |
blubber; but it must be remembered that out of this blubber they make | |
oil to pour into our conjugal wounds. | |
* * * * * | |
A Suit for Damages. | |
Any clothes in a storm. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE POLITICAL MILL-ENNIUM.] | |
* * * * * | |
HINTS UPON HIGH ART. | |
Observant visitors to the National Academy of Design will allow that a | |
tendency to greatness is beginning to develop itself in certain | |
directions among our artists. In landscape some of them are almost | |
immense. The works of PORPHYRO warm the walls with rays of splendor, or | |
cool the lampooned sight-line with pearly gradations, as the case may | |
be. MANDRAKE renders feelingly the summer uplands and groves, and | |
SILVERBARK the melancholy autumnal woods. BYTHESEA infuses with | |
sentiment even the blue wreaths of smoke that curl up from the distant | |
ridge against which loom the concentrated lovers that he selects for his | |
idyllic romances. Gushingly he does his work, but thoroughly; and there | |
are other flowers than lackadaisies to be discerned in his herbage. | |
GUSTIBUS blows gently the foliage aside, and gives us glimpses through | |
it of rural contentment in connection with a mill, or some other | |
interesting object beyond. The pencil of SAGEGREEN imbues canvases, both | |
large and small, with infinite variety and force; and it is to | |
SKETCHMORE that the great lakes owe their remarkable reputation as | |
pieces of water with poems growing out of their broad lily-pads. Very | |
tender are the pastoral banks and brooksides of LEAFHOPPER. ELFINLOCKS | |
takes up his pencil, and lo! a hazy, mazy, lazy, dreamy vista where it | |
has touched. But hold! Our critical Incubus has taken the bit between | |
her teeth, and is beginning to run away with us. Stop that; and let our | |
readers enumerate the other first American landscape painters for | |
themselves. | |
Not so strong are our artists in domestic incidents and compositions of | |
life and character. We have STUNNINGTON, to be sure, whose traits of | |
American expression, whether white or colored, are most true to the | |
life; and there's BARLEYMOW, who will twist you an eclogue from the tail | |
of his foreground pig. Others there be; but space has its limits, and we | |
forbear. | |
As for our portrait limners, their name is Legion, and that | |
comprehensive name must go for all. Like BENVENUTO CELLINI they shall be | |
known for their jugs; and their transmission to posterity on the heads | |
of families is a thing to be reckoned on as sure. | |
For the higher flights of art the American painter is by no manner of | |
means endowed with the wings of his native eagle--wings that agitate the | |
cerulean vault, spattering it with splashes of creamy cloud-spray, and | |
churning into butter the stretches of the Milky Way. History has indeed | |
been illustrated by American art, but has it been enriched? The | |
WASHINGTONS and the WEBSTERS, the CLAYS and the LINCOLNS, have had their | |
memories dreadfully lampooned on canvas. Allegory does not inspire the | |
great American pencil. Tall art there is, and enough of it "at that;" | |
but of high art we have none to speak of, except the canvases that are | |
placed over doorways in the galleries of the Academy, and, in the sense | |
of elevation, may consequently be spoken of as high. All this is wrong. | |
Alas! that we should write it. Would that we could right it! And to | |
think of the musty subjects that our historical and allegorical men | |
select. Ho! young men--away with your CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS; relegate | |
your METAMORA to his proper limbo; let WASHINGTON alone; and LINCOLN; | |
and OSCEOLA the Savage; and POCAHONTAS, and all the rest. Leave them | |
alone; and, taking fresh subjects, dip your brushes in brains, as old | |
OPIE or somebody else said, and go to work with a will. No fresh | |
subjects to be had, you say? Bosh! absurd interlocutor that you are. | |
Here's a bundle of 'em ready cut to hand. We charge you no money for | |
them, and you may take your choice. | |
SUBJECTS FOR WORKS OF HIGH ART. | |
PROVIDENCE tempering the wind to the shorn lamb. | |
ABSENCE OF MIND marking a box of paper shirt-collars with indelible ink. | |
MILTON "going it blind." | |
The late Mr. WILLIAM COBBETT teaching his sons to shave with cold water. | |
ST. PATRICK emptying the snakes out of his boots. | |
TRUE LOVE never running smooth. | |
NO MAN acting _Hero_ to his _valet de chambre_. | |
ROBERT BONNER taking DEXTER by the forelock with one hand, and TIME with | |
the other. | |
Subjects like these might be worked out to advantage. The field in which | |
they are to be found is almost unlimited; and they possess abundantly | |
the two grand essentials to success in art at the present time, as well | |
as in literature--novelty and sensation. | |
* * * * * | |
H.G. and Terpsichore. | |
AMONG the strange revelations about _Tribune_ people elicited during the | |
MCFARLAND trial, was the bit of gossip about Mr. GREELEY going to | |
Saratoga to "trip the light fantastic toe." That Mr. GREELEY'S toe is | |
"fantastic," every body who has ever inspected his "Congress gaiters" | |
must know, but as to its lightness we have our doubts. "What I know | |
about dancing" would be a capital subject for H.G. to handle, and we | |
hope that he will take Steps for doing it. | |
* * * * * | |
Sweeny's New Charter. | |
How doth the busy Peter B., | |
Improve each shining hour! | |
From nettled young Democracy, | |
He plucks the safety-flower. | |
* * * * * | |
From Rome. | |
The POPE is said to be "out of Spirits." Why doesn't he come to | |
New-York, where he can get plenty of the article, either in the sense of | |
the Tap or in that of the Rap? | |
* * * * * | |
"He who was Born to be Hanged," etc. | |
On one of the mornings of the MCFARLAND trial, a very importunate person | |
attempted to force his way into the court-room, which, as he was told, | |
was already crowded "to suffocation." To this he retorted that he | |
"wasn't born to be suffocated." That's in substance what the late JACK | |
REYNOLDS said, and _he_ was mistaken. | |
* * * * * | |
The Difference. | |
Rice riots are reported as raging in all the ports of Japan. Rye was the | |
principal mover in the famous conscription riots of New-York. | |
* * * * * | |
A Celestial Idea. | |
No wonder the Chinese theatre in San Francisco is a success, considering | |
how skilful the actors must be in catching the Cue. | |
* * * * * | |
JUMBLES. | |
Did you ever hear of my friend BOOTSBY? "No." That's rather queer. I | |
see--you've been out of town. BOOTSBY is a man of standing--of decided | |
standing, I may say. He stands, in fact, a great deal. The heavy | |
standing round he does is enormous when the limited capacity of a single | |
mortal is taken in view. BOOTSBY stands round among every class of | |
people, and especially of politicians and potationers. He stands round | |
to talk, to hear, and especially to drink. The power of the man in this | |
last matter is wonderful, and the puzzle is, that his standing (and | |
perpendicularity) is not perceptibly affected. Of course there are times | |
when BOOTSBY'S standing is not so good. In so slippery a place as Wall | |
Street, it is found to be less certain; while in a crowd on Broadway, | |
waiting for a bus, it cannot be said to maintain a very remarkable | |
firmness. But as a whole, and as the world goes, BOOTSBY is a man of | |
standing. In the altitude of six feet ten, he may be called a man of | |
high standing. He feels proud of the fact. "Is it not better to be a | |
mountain than a mole?" he often asks in a proudly sneering manner of his | |
neighbor PUGGS, who is about as far up in the world as the top of a | |
yard-stick. It is very true that size is not quality, and a seven-footer | |
may be no better than a three-footer; but it is observed that a Short | |
Man is rarely any thing else. His stature is his measure throughout. My | |
own impression of myself is, that I don't care to be short; but if the | |
alternative were forced upon me, I should choose that of person rather | |
than of purse. BOOTSBY does not care much about money, and he carries | |
very little. Some people are like BOOTSBY, but most people are not. The | |
ladies, it is true, never, or rarely, want money. Like newspapers and | |
club-houses, they are self-supporting. In fact they surround themselves | |
with supporters which stay tightly. Mrs. TODD is peculiar in her wants | |
pecuniary. She, good soul, never wants (or keeps) money long, but she | |
doesn't want it _little_. She prefers it like onions, in a large bunch, | |
and strong. The reason why most women do not want money is because they | |
have no use for it. They never dress; they never wear jewelry; silks and | |
satins have no charms in their eyes; laces, ribbons, shawls never tempt. | |
To exist and walk upright in simpleness and quiet is the sum of their | |
desires. Dear creatures! how is it that they never want? | |
My neighbor, Mr. DROWSE, desires to know where you get all your funny | |
things for PUNCHINELLO? He knows they are there, does Mr. DROWSE; for he | |
gets my copy of the penny postman, and he keeps it, too. It is the only | |
good taste my neighbor has displayed of late years. I tell Mr. DROWSE | |
that you make your fun. He further asks, Where? I tell him in the | |
attic--up there where they keep the salt. He desires to know the size of | |
attic. Of course he has never seen your noble, capacious, alabaster | |
forehead, else he would perceive the source of those scintillations of | |
light and warmth which radiate throughout the universe every Saturday | |
for only ten cents. He is curious also to know about the salt, and | |
doesn't comprehend how or where you use it. He used to use it when a boy | |
in catching birds by putting the briny compound on the tails of the | |
same, and _that_ he used to call "fun alive;" but he don't see it--the | |
salt--about PUNCHINELLO. I suspect Mr. DROWSE doesn't see the sellers, | |
(certainly he avoids them when PUNCHINELLO is offered, much to my | |
mortification, and one dime to my cost,) and so is not likely to discern | |
the source of the fun. I merely informed Mr. DROWSE that the editor was | |
very tall, very handsome, with very black skin and rosy hair, (at which | |
he opened his eyes with astonishment, and asked if I meant so; at which | |
I said, "Yes, I guess so,") and that he laughed out of his nose, eyes, | |
head, and hands, as well as his mouth. DROWSE wants to see the editor | |
very much. He has seen men with black skins and hearts, (for he used to | |
know lots of politicians;) but wants to put his vision on some "rosy | |
hair"--and when he does, no doubt his gaze will be fixed. It is healthy | |
sometimes to have the gaze fixed; and often, like sauce-pans and | |
sermons, it has to be fixed. When Mr. DROWSE calls at 83, please show | |
him in Parlor 6 with the Brussels, fresco-work, and lace curtains. | |
April is a model month. So serene, steady, clear, and balmy. Nothing | |
but blue sky, gentle zephyrs, kissing breezes, genial suns by day and | |
sparkling stars by night. PUNCHINELLO no doubt likes sparkling | |
stars--stars of magnitude--stars that show what they are. PUNCHINELLO | |
perhaps goes to NIBLO'S, and not only sees plenty stars, but plenty of | |
them. But of April. It is called "fickle;" but that's a slander. "Every | |
thing by turns and nothing long"--that is a libel on which a suit could | |
be hung. The same vile falsehood is cruelly uttered of some women, when | |
every body knows, or should know, that these same women are nothing of | |
the sort. Who ever knew a fickle woman? | |
Where in history is there record of such an Impossibility? Fickle--that | |
implies a change of mind. What woman ever changed her mind any more than | |
her hands? Nonsense, avaunt!--banished be slander! April is _not_ | |
fickle--woman is _not_ fickle. As one is evenly beautiful, divinely | |
serene, bewitchingly winning, so is the other sunny, cerulean, balmy, | |
paradisiacal. April for ever--after that the rest of the calendar. | |
Does PUNCHINELLO believe in the Woman Movement? TODD does. He believes | |
woman should move as much as man; and he regards her movement in such | |
numbers to the great West as full of hope (and husbands) for the sex. | |
Mrs. TODD has not as yet been irresistibly seized by the movement; but | |
if TIMOTHY knows himself, he longs for the day when the seizer may come. | |
Although TODD--who is the writer of this epistle--says it, who perhaps | |
shouldn't, lest the shaft of egotism be hurled mercilessly at him, he | |
does unhesitatingly say that to aid this movement he would make the | |
greatest of sacrifices. He is willing to sacrifice his wife and other | |
female relations upon the sacred altar of the movement, and contribute | |
liberally to the expense thereof. He is quite willing they should | |
vote--early and often, if need be; but he wishes to see the movement go | |
westward like the Star of Empire--westward _via_ cheerful Chicago. TODD | |
trusts PUNCHINELLO will espouse this movement; for if it does, it--the | |
movement, no less than PUNCHINELLO--will go straight onward and upward; | |
but not by the route known as the Spout. | |
Mucilage is a good thing. It is now extensively used in Church, State, | |
and Society. We use it largely at the Veneerfront Avenue Church, of | |
which Rev. Dr. ALEXANDER PLASTERWELL is pastor. Of course, Mr. | |
PUNCHINELLO, you know that distinguished church, and have no doubt often | |
listened to the distinguished Dr. PLASTERWELL. He is a kind man, has a | |
high forehead, a Roman (Burgundy) nose, and a sweet, soft head--I should | |
say heart. He has--great and good man--the largest faith in mucilage. He | |
often makes it a text, and he sticks to it, he does--does Dr. | |
PLASTERWELL. Nothing like mucilage, PUNCHINELLO. It is the hope of the | |
human race, and the salvation of woman. It is the Philosopher's Stone in | |
solution; the essence and link which connects and cements all that is | |
great, good, and lovely, in the past, present, and future. At least, | |
such is the humble opinion of | |
TIMOTHY TODD. | |
* * * * * | |
HINTS TO CAR CONDUCTORS. | |
When standing in Printing House Square, your destination being Grand | |
Street Perry or Bleecker Street, if a stranger asks whether you are | |
going to Harlem, nod, as it is considered improper to answer in the | |
negative. If he finds out the mistake, you can plead deafness. | |
When called upon to stop, never attempt to comply. There are several | |
reasons why you should not. In the first place, if you did stop, it | |
would show that you have no will of your own, and since the passage of | |
the Fifteenth Amendment, _all_ men are equal in this country. | |
You may stop about two blocks from the place named, just to please | |
yourself and prove your independence; but take particular care to start | |
the car when the passenger is half off the steps. If there is a young | |
surgeon in the neighborhood, you can enter into an arrangement to break | |
arms and legs in this way with impunity, have the maimed "carried into | |
the surgery," and share the fees with the operator. Occasional cases of | |
manslaughter may take place; but don't mind that, as coroners' juries in | |
New-York will return verdicts of "death from natural causes." Besides | |
this, remember that you have a vote, and that both coroners and judges | |
are dependent upon the people. When a lame old gentleman hails you, | |
beckon him furiously to come on, but be sure, at the same time, to urge | |
the driver to greater speed. | |
It is no part of your business to have change, so never give any, but | |
drive on: people should provide for and look after their own business | |
and that is none of yours. | |
Always drive through the centre of a target company or funeral | |
procession, never minding whether you kill one or more, and then abuse | |
the captain or the undertaker for his stupidity. | |
By the adoption of these essential rules, and by adding a good deal of | |
incivility, you will soon reach the top of the wheel of your profession | |
and in due time have a testimonial presented to you by an admiring and | |
grateful public. | |
* * * * * | |
Out in the Cold. | |
Commissioner Tweed proposes a new outside Bureau of the Department of | |
Public Works, for late-Commissioner MCLEAN. He is to be Superintendent | |
of Refrigerators. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE LANDING OF THE PILGRIMS. | |
ENGRAVED BY SPECIAL PERMISSION FOR PUNCHINELLO, FROM THE ORIGINAL | |
PAINTING, BY MILES STANDISH, IN THE COLLECTION OF METHUSELAH PILGRIM, | |
ESQ., OF PILGRIMSVILLE, MASS.] | |
* * * * * | |
TO CAPTAIN HALL. | |
(IN ANTICIPATION OF HIS TRIP TO THE POLE.) | |
HALL! HALL! | |
D'ye hear our call? | |
Or, do you fancy it to be | |
A weather sign--merely the pre- | |
Monition of a squall | |
At sea! | |
HALL! | |
You pay no heed at all. | |
Nevertheless, O hardy mariner! | |
(A Snow-Bird brings this with our kindest love,) | |
We're sorry you prefer | |
Those frigid walks (ever so far above | |
The 80th parallel, we guess!) | |
To stocks, and tariffs, and domestic bliss; | |
Yes, yes, | |
Captain, we're sorry it has come to this! | |
Why do you madly thirst | |
For grog that's chopped up with a hatchet? say! | |
And tell us of the first | |
Strange thought which spurred you to go up that way! | |
Was it the hope that on some icy coast | |
(Frozen, yourself, almost!) | |
You'd have the luck to meet poor FRANKLIN'S ghost? | |
And has it seemed, sometimes, | |
That drowning might be pleasanter up there | |
Among the icebergs, native to those climes, | |
Than where | |
The surf breaks gently on some coral-reef, | |
And sirens sweetly soothe one's slow despair? | |
Say, was that your belief? | |
And who is BENT?[*] | |
Why was _he_ sent, | |
With his Warm Currents wheeling round the Pole? | |
A long, long race must his disciples run: | |
No sun, | |
No fun, | |
No chance to toss a word to any one; | |
And what a goal? | |
As hopefully you munch | |
The flinty biscuit, watching whale or seal, | |
Or listening, undaunted, to the crunch | |
Of ice-floes at the keel, | |
Say, Sir Intrepid! shall you really think | |
You pioneer the navies of the world? | |
Not while the chink | |
Of well-housed dollars sounds so pleasantly, | |
And safer tracks map out the treacherous sea! | |
If that's your dream, oh! let your sails be furled. | |
But, no! | |
It is not this! Your spirit, high and bold, | |
Scorning all tamer joys, will have it so! | |
No cold | |
Can chill its ardor! Such a soul would sate | |
Its deathless craving in some lofty flight, | |
Some deed sublime, and read its shining fate | |
By the Aurora's light! | |
For fruitful fellowship, it seeks the wild, | |
The frozen waste, | |
Where the world's venturous heroes--reconciled | |
To sunless, shuddering gloom-- | |
To joyless solitude--with ardor taste | |
Their dread delights! and so at last find room, | |
'Mid nodding icebergs, for their watery tomb! | |
For this, we spare you, | |
O dauntless HALL! Once having breathed that air | |
So pure, so fresh, so rare! | |
And caught the wildness of the Esquimaux, | |
We declare you | |
Unfit to live where beans and lettuce grow! | |
Leave delving to the little pitiful mole, | |
Great soul! | |
And now, then, for the Pole! | |
[Footnote *: Captain BENT, of Cincinnati, originator of the new theory | |
of Polar Currents.] | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: FINANCIAL RELIEF | |
MR. BUMBLE BOUTWELL TO MRS. CORNEY FISH. _(See Oliver Twist.)_ "THE GREAT | |
PRINCIPLE OF FINANCIAL RELIEF IS TO GIVE THE BUSINESS MEN EXACTLY WHAT | |
THEY DON'T WANT: THEN THEY GET TIRED OF COMING."] | |
* * * * * | |
CONDENSED CONGRESS. | |
SENATE. | |
MR. SUMNER said he was the friend of the oppressed. That, as was well | |
known, was his regular business. Unfortunately, the Fifteenth Amendment | |
had rendered the colored man incapable of being hereafter regarded as an | |
oppressed creature. He was sorry, but it could not be helped. He was | |
therefore forced to go down the chromatic scale of creation and find | |
another class of clients. He found them in cattle. HOMER had sung about | |
the ox-eyed Juno, and WALTER WHITMAN about bob veal. COWPER had remarked | |
that he would not number in his list of friends the man who needlessly | |
set foot upon a cow. He mentioned these things merely to show that | |
railway companies had no right to starve cattle. He proposed an | |
amendment to the Constitution, to provide that a dinner of at least | |
three courses should be given to cows daily. Mr. DRAKE was heartily in | |
favor of the proposition. He had got his feet in a web, so to speak, by | |
paddling in the political waters of Missouri, and some people had gone | |
so far as to call him "quack." He demanded redress. | |
Mr. WILSON didn't see the use of all this legislation to protect | |
animals. Animals had no votes, although he admitted a partial exception, | |
in that every bull, it had its ballot. But he had something practical. | |
Here was a jolly job, the Pacific Railway grant. There was a good deal | |
more in it than they had made out of any other GRANT. Mr. THURMAN'S | |
suggestion, that this land ought to be occupied by actual settlers, he | |
scorned. "Actual settlers" were of a great deal more use to him in | |
Massachusetts, where they could vote for him, than in the territories, | |
where that boon would not be extended to them. It was much better that | |
they should be occupied by imaginary settlers, who could pay and not | |
vote. Actual "settlings" were the dregs of humanity. | |
The Georgia bill came up, as it does every day with much more regularity | |
than luncheon. The Senate has succeeded in muddling it to that degree of | |
unintelligibility that nobody has the slightest notion what it provides. | |
It is, therefore, in a condition to give rise to infinite debate. After | |
several senators had said enough for a foundation for thirty columns | |
each in the _Globe,_ they let it go for the present. The present was the | |
one promised by Senator WILSON in return for the Pacific Railway grab | |
grant. | |
HOUSE. | |
The House is given over to the tariff. A very indelicate discussion has | |
been had upon corsets. Mr. BROOKS was of opinion that the corset would | |
tariff it were subjected to any more strain in the way of duties. Mr. | |
MARSHALL remarked that the corset avoided a great deal of Waist. It was | |
whalebone of his bone, or something of that sort. It was one of the main | |
Stays of our social system. | |
Mr. SCHENCK made another speech. He ripped up the foreign corset in a | |
truculent manner. He said that American corsets were far superior, only | |
American women had not the sense to see it. The effect of taking off the | |
duty on corsets would be to take off the corsets. | |
Mr. BROOKS called the hooks and ayes on the corsets. Mr. SCHENCK opposed | |
the call. He had found a simple tape much preferable. He wished a | |
coffer-dam might be put upon the roaring BROOKS. | |
Somebody at this point brought up a contested election case; but Mr. | |
LOGAN objected to its being considered. What, he asked, was the use of | |
wasting time? There was money in the tariff. There was no money at all | |
in voting a Democrat out, and a Republican in. They could do that any | |
day in five minutes. His friend Mr. BUTLER had recently remarked, one | |
Democrat more or less made no difference. But Mr. BUTLER forgot that the | |
larger the majority, the larger the divisor for spoils, and therefore | |
the smaller the quotient and the "dividend." He did not know much about | |
arithmetic. He had never been at West Point; but he believed that a | |
million dollars, for instance, would go further and fare worse among two | |
hundred men than among three. If the House were not careful, there would | |
be a glut of Republicans in it, and the shares would be pitifully | |
meagre. As for him, he had a great mind, (derisive cheers)--he repeated, | |
that he had a great mind to vote for a Democrat next time. | |
In spite of Mr. LOGAN'S warning, the House voted in a couple or so of | |
Republicans, and then resumed the duty on wool. | |
Mr. Cox thought this wool had been pulled over the eyes of the house | |
often enough. It reminded him of an expedition, of which Mr. LOGAN had | |
never heard, in search of a "Golden Fleece." | |
Mr. JENCKES, and Mr. SCHENCK, and Mr. KELLEY called him to order in | |
behalf of their constituents, who were in the wool business, and said | |
that "wool" in one form or another had always been the staple of their | |
political career. | |
Mr. BUTLER said he had a little game worth two of that. He wanted to buy | |
San Domingo. In this there were plenty of commissions, and hundreds of | |
thousands of colored votes. | |
* * * * * | |
FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT. | |
ALDERMANIC RECEPTION UP-TOWN. | |
CAESAR, walk in! Ah POMPEY! how d'e do? | |
This way, CLEM! Gentlemen, please walk right through! | |
GEORGE, how's your mother? Fine day, PETE--fine day! | |
Well, how are things down there at Oyster Bay? | |
Ah AUNTIE! how's your rheumatiz, this spring? | |
Well, Mr. JOHNSON, did you try that sling? | |
Why, this is Uncle STEVE! How-do-you-do. | |
Uncle? Sit down. What can I do for you? | |
Well, Mr. PRINCE! You must be busy, now. | |
Whitewashing is the best thing done, I vow! | |
Why, hel-lo! REGIS! From the Cape so soon? | |
When do you open, this year--first of June? | |
Come, gentlemen--some wine? Now, don't refuse! | |
What! temperate? teetotal? Well, that's news! | |
And good news, too! Well, coffee, then. You see, | |
My friends, the _sentiment's_ the thing with me. | |
The real Mocha, AUNTIE! Simon pure! | |
Raised by free Arabs. For I can't endure | |
A single thing that's flavored with a Wrong! | |
Yes, AUNTIE, you are right, I've "come out strong!" | |
So have the Colored People, I may say! | |
(One fact explains the other, up this way!) | |
They've proved their strength! It's settled, sure as a gun, | |
That every Colored Voter now counts One! | |
Now, gentlemen, you'll be surprised to find | |
So many people with your turn of mind! | |
But, sure as tricks! remember what I say-- | |
You'll learn some things before Election Day! | |
POMPEY--'twon't take much time, (and you can spare it!) | |
Try this old fiddle, picked up in the garret! | |
Good? It's your fiddle! AUNTIE, here's a pound | |
Of that same genuine Mocha, ready ground! | |
Say, Uncle STEVE, I've got a fish for you, | |
Down at the market. Call again, PETE; do! | |
I'll have a job for you and CAESAR soon: | |
It's only waiting for a change of moon. | |
CLEM, how'd you like a chance to wait on table? | |
Or, would you rather drive, and run my stable? | |
GEORGE, in the kitchen there's a pan of souse! | |
Going? All gone? Now, BRIDGET, air the house! | |
* * * * * | |
Historic Parallel. | |
THE JACK CADE movement came near destroying London. The Ar-Cade movement | |
threatens to destroy Broadway. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: A CHEAP LUXURY. | |
SNIFFLES LOVES THE SMELL OF ROASTED CHESTNUTS, AND ENJOYS IT FOR HOURS | |
EVERY DAY; BUT HE NEVER EATS ANY--WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR THE JOYOUS EXPRESSION | |
ON THE FACE OF THE VENDER.] | |
* * * * * | |
BUSINESS. | |
A CHICAGO LAY. | |
I saw her sweet lip quiver, | |
As he started for the store. | |
Because he hadn't kissed her | |
"Several" times or more. | |
She cried "This horrid business!" | |
And then flew to her glass; | |
"Oh! why his cold remissness? | |
Have I grown plain, alas?" | |
But no, that truthful article | |
Revealed her charms intact, | |
She hadn't lost one particle, | |
But had improved, in fact. | |
At nine the case was opened, | |
At ten the case was o'er; | |
The jury brought their virdict-- | |
She was his wife no more. | |
That night the husband started, | |
And--"_you_ bet"--he swore, | |
To find his wife departed, | |
And "_To Let_" on the door. | |
Next day he moved and married. | |
And, that his bride might stay, | |
He kissed her every morning | |
Before he went away. | |
* * * * * | |
Pot-umania. | |
A correspondent writes that a new mania has sprung up among the ladies | |
of Edinburgh--a fancy for learning to cook. There is a much older mania | |
in some parts of that country--a fancy for something to cook. | |
* * * * * | |
About a Foot. | |
A BOOT when it's on. | |
* * * * * | |
IMPORTANT TO PUBLISHERS. | |
One of our corps of Philosophers (a trifle visionary, perhaps) has been | |
speculating as to certain possible (or, perhaps, impossible) results | |
flowing from the practice among publishers of ante-dating their monthly | |
issues. Thus, supposing that the world should be destroyed by fire (and | |
why not? it is bad enough) on the 15th of May, 1870, and a cover of, | |
say, _Putnam's_ for June, carried up by an air-current, should, after | |
floating about ever so long in space, finally descend on some friendly | |
planet--we will say, Venus. Here it would naturally get picked up by an | |
archaeologist, (who would be on the spot looking out for it,) and the | |
interesting relic would be promptly and reverently deposited among the | |
other Vestiges of Creation, in the Royal Cabinet. In the course of | |
years, some historian would probably have occasion to turn over these | |
curiosities, and would presently light on the scorched but still legible | |
waif. "Why," says he, in astonishment, "I thought the earth was burnt on | |
the 15th of May! To be sure, it was _in the night_, and nobody saw it | |
go, [think of that, conceited Worldling!] but it was missed by somebody | |
the day after. But here we have a document from the late unfortunate | |
planet dated the first of June!" | |
Of course, upon this the History of the Universe would have to be | |
rewritten, or that odd fortnight would play the mischief somewhere! | |
* * * * * | |
A Boston Boy. | |
HUB-BUB. | |
* * * * * | |
"Curses Come Home to Roost." | |
They are putting the Fifth Avenue pavement in front of the City Hall. | |
* * * * * | |
To Politicians. | |
Will the working of the Fifteenth Amendment oblige a candidate to show | |
his Color before election? | |
* * * * * | |
So We Go! | |
We notice, with much agitation and a reasonable amount of grief, that | |
somebody in Philadelphia (possibly Miss ANNA DICKINSON) has invented a | |
machine for the laundry called The King Washer! A few years ago it would | |
have been The Queen Washer; but in these days the name seems to indicate | |
that to Man, unhappy Man, will speedily be committed the destinies of | |
the weekly washing. Oh! the rubbing, the rinsing, the wringing. But Mr. | |
PUNCHINELLO has already communicated to Mrs. PUNCHINELLO his sentiments | |
upon this subject. Under no circumstances will he get at the family | |
linen. He must make a stand somewhere, and he makes it here. | |
* * * * * | |
Let them Bark. | |
Miss BARKALOW has been admitted to practice at the bar in St. Louis. We | |
have frequently before seen young ladies at a bar, where others | |
practiced more than they did; but we do not see why, if Miss BARKALOW | |
wishes to bark aloud, she should not be allowed to bark, aloud or | |
otherwise. Barking may be particularly good in a cross-examination; but | |
we presume that a lady attorney's bark will be always worse than her | |
bite. | |
* * * * * | |
"She Stoops to Conquer." | |
The girl with the Grecian Bend. | |
* * * * * | |
Query. | |
Is it allowable for a Temperance man to be Cordial to his friends? | |
* * * * * | |
Weak as Water. | |
Our cynical friend A. QUARIUS writes us from Philadelphia, that | |
considering the manner in which the Sunday liquor law is enforced in | |
that city, he thinks his native place is still entitled--perhaps more | |
than ever entitled to be called the city of Rye-tangles. This is | |
ungrateful. | |
* * * * * | |
SPIRITUAL SUSCEPTIBILITY OF CATS. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Our Society has been very learnedly debating as to | |
whether Cats are susceptible of spiritual impressions; and, although the | |
burden of opinion inclines to the negative of the question, I am firmly | |
persuaded there is much to justify a contrary judgment. | |
As I slept the other night, neither dreaming nor holding psychological | |
intercourse of any description with outsiders, I was awakened suddenly | |
about the first hour of the morning by a noise. I am quite certain it | |
was a noise, and have therefore no hesitation in so recording it. The | |
new moon hung athwart the western sky, and a few fleecy clouds were | |
chasing each other like snow-drifts across the blue vault of the night. | |
I may likewise note the fact that the stars were doing what they usually | |
do, notwithstanding the difference of opinion that sometimes exists as | |
to what that is. It was the evening after "wash-day," and family linen, | |
in graceful curves and undulating outlines, everywhere met the eye as it | |
turned from contemplating the stars to contemplating the clothes-lines | |
in the gardens. But I wander. The noise? Ah! yes. Well, it was not like | |
the collision of two hard substances, but rather of the heavy "thud" | |
order of sound, like the descent of a solid into a soft substance; say, | |
for instance, of a flat-iron into a jar of unrisen buck-wheat batter. I | |
glanced along the ghostly battalions of family linen; along the fences | |
traversed by feline sentries; along the latticed arbors; but nothing to | |
indicate the origin of the alarm could be discovered, and as at that | |
moment a breeze stirred in the apartment, producing a chilling | |
sensation, I thought it prudent to jump back into bed. | |
Next morning, upon making my usual visit to note the progress of the | |
early bulbs in the flower-beds, I encountered at the further end of the | |
garden the remains of a cat--a portly and ancient grimalkin of the | |
sterner sex. Close at hand was a bottle lying face downward, and corked. | |
I raised it--first in my hands, and then to my lips. The cork fell out, | |
accidentally as it were, and, as a consequence, death. "Poor thing!" I | |
murmured; "poor--" and a portion of the contents glided carelessly down | |
my throat. I perceived that the liquid was "Old Rye." As I stooped down, | |
tears would have come to my eyes; but it was useless, seeing that the | |
breath had left the unfortunate's body. Nevertheless, I rested my hand a | |
moment upon his head, and then glided it in a semi-professional manner | |
along the line of dorsal elevation, until I came to a deep depression in | |
his backbone, which corresponded exactly with the convexity of the | |
bottle. Then I saw at once how it was; this missile, (in the heat of | |
passion, being mistaken for an empty one, probably,) had been hurled by | |
some treacherous hand upon the unsuspecting Tom, striking him midway | |
between the root of the tail and the base of the brain, causing instant | |
suspension of his vertebral communications, "Poor thing! You were the | |
victim of a Catastrophe. You were also the victim of the bottle. The | |
'Rye' was too heavy for you, and should have been drawn milder." This | |
said, I turned sadly away to find a burial spade, and it then occurred | |
to me that this little incident was kindly meant to confirm my view that | |
cats are susceptible, even to a fatal extent, of spiritual | |
impressions--especially when conveyed by spirits of "Old Rye." | |
GOBBO. | |
* * * * * | |
From the Tombs. | |
When a drunken man has been locked up for beating his wife, it is | |
reasonable to suppose that he must feel rather the worse for lick her. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: PERSONAL GOSSIP. | |
(From the Daily Press.) | |
"A SON OF ONE OF OUR WEALTHIEST RESIDENTS DISPLAYS GREAT TALENTS AS A | |
SCULPTOR. HE IS BUT NINE YEARS OLD."] | |
* * * * * | |
A BIT OF NATURAL HISTORY. | |
Naturalists tell us that the _Aye-aye_ is a small animal of Madagascar, | |
with sharp teeth, long claws, and a tail; which eats whatever it can | |
grab, and says nothing day or night but _aye-aye_. Now, we find that, | |
AGASSIZ to the contrary notwithstanding, this strange and not very | |
useful animal is indigenous to the State of Pennsylvania. It especially | |
frequents Harrisburg; and may be seen and heard any day there, in the | |
Senate or House. Being an active member of that House, your | |
correspondent has been present during the passage of three hundred bills | |
within a week or two, in about one hundred and ten of which he had some | |
personal interest. | |
Lifting his eyes one day from his newspaper, when the Speaker took the | |
vote on an "Act to amend the Incorporation of the City of Philadelphia," | |
which your correspondent happened to know included the presentation of a | |
three-story brownstone front to each of a committee of six members of | |
the House, he found there was not one member in his seat; but, in the | |
place of a few, there was a company of these remarkable _Aye-ayes_, | |
responding duly to the call for a vote; but never a _no_ among them. No, | |
no! | |
Now, your correspondent holds the deliberate opinion that, in several | |
respects, these aforesaid small animals of Madagascar might be an | |
improvement upon the average Pennsylvania legislators. And, if your | |
correspondent had to do with getting up the other one hundred and ninety | |
bills, as he did the one hundred and ten, all right: Otherwise, _not_. | |
How does PUNCHINELLO regard it? | |
Yours, LEGISLATOR. | |
* * * * * | |
An Augean Job. | |
PUNCHINELLO has telegraphed to Governor GEARY his approval of the | |
"Sewage Utilization" bill at Harrisburg, on one condition: that the | |
first piece of work be finished up by the members of the Pennsylvania | |
Legislature with their own hands; that work to be, to make up into | |
_decent_ manure, _deodorized_ and _disinfected_, all bills passed at the | |
late session of their House and Senate. Since, however, complete | |
deodorization is probably _impossible_, PUNCHINELLO advises also that | |
the said members be required to cart all their stuff out to the Bad | |
Lands of Nebraska, and remain there to make the best use of it; or else | |
make a contract with Captain HALL to ship it and them to the Arctic | |
regions at once. | |
* * * * * | |
On the Finances. | |
Says Crispin, "Did not somebody say it was BOUTWELL in the Treasury now? | |
A great mistake. About well, to be sure! When the newspaper men have | |
111-1/2 of gold, and I haven't a round dollar! Where did they get it? | |
And then the legal tender question. I never asked but _one_ tender | |
question in all my life, and that was to SUSAN and she said, Yes. And | |
then we were legally married. Nobody ought to ask such questions _out | |
loud_; it's not _decent_. And _fine answering_ an't much better. | |
Financiering, is it? Ah! well. _Specious assumption_, too; but that | |
requires brass, and I want _gold_. Meantime, who's got a twenty-five | |
cent note?" | |
* * * * * | |
Massachusetts Flats. | |
Massachusetts must abound in Flats. Its Legislature is annually agitated | |
from the sands of Cape Cod to the hills of Berkshire over the question. | |
It is said to be wisdom to set a rogue to catch a rogue. Is it equally | |
so to set a flat to catch one? | |
* * * * * | |
NATIONAL TAXIDERMY. | |
[Illustration 'P'] | |
PUNCHINELLO has for some time past carefully considered the subject of | |
our national tariff of imposts, (_that is to say, he happened to see, in | |
a Tribune, the other day, that lucifer matches were now to be stamped | |
separately, and not by the box, as heretofore_) and he has come to the | |
conclusion, after duly weighing in his mind all the arguments for and | |
against the present system of taxation, (_that is to say, he made up his | |
mind the minute he read the article_,) that what the present tariff | |
needs, is a more thorough application and a better classification; or, | |
what the technologists call Taxonomy, which term is suggested to him by | |
a work on the subject which he has been recently studying. (_That is to | |
say, he looked in the dictionary to find out what Taxidermy meant, and | |
seeing Taxonomy there, snapped it up for a sort of collateral pun_.) As | |
an illustration of what our impost legislators (or imposters) ought to | |
be, let us take the Taxidermist. He is one who takes from an animal | |
every thing but his skin and bones, and stuffs him up afterward with all | |
sorts of nonsense. Now, our National Taxidermists ought to take a lesson | |
from their original. Many of the good people of the United States have | |
much more left them than their skin and bones. Why is not all that | |
taken? The condition of the ordinary stuffed animal of the shops is | |
strikingly significant of what should be expected of loyal communities. | |
(_That is to say, communities which vote a certain ticket which need not | |
be named here_.) It is often said that there are things which flesh and | |
blood will not bear. Now, a thorough system of Taxidermy remedies all | |
this. A stuffed 'possum, for instance, having no flesh or blood, will | |
bear any thing. When the people of this country are thoroughly cleaned | |
out, they will be just as docile. Among the things which PUNCHINELLO | |
would recommend as fit subjects of taxation, is a man's expenses. They | |
have not been taxed yet. If he pays for his income, why not for his | |
outgoes? The immense sums that are annually expended in this country for | |
this, that, and the other thing ought certainly to yield a revenue to | |
the government. (_That is to say, there ought to be a new army of | |
collectors and assessors appointed. P. knows lots of good men out of | |
office_.) And then there's a man's time. Why not tax that? Nearly every | |
man spends a lot of time, and he ought to pay for it. As it would be our | |
tax, it could not be a very minute tax, although it is only the second | |
tax which we have suggested. (_That is to say--- something pun-ny_.) And | |
besides these things, there's energy. We often hear of a man's energies | |
being taxed; but, so far as the matter is apparent to the naked eye, it | |
is difficult to see whose energies are taxed for the good of the | |
government at the present day. This subject should certainly be | |
investigated. (_That is to say, a committee of Congressmen should be | |
appointed, with power to send for persons, papers, and extra | |
compensation_.) Politics, too. Every man has his politics, (_that is to | |
say, every man except Bennett_,) and they ought to be taxed, if for no | |
other reason than the great impetus the measure would give to the | |
erection of fences throughout the land. And letters, too. If every one | |
sent by the mail should yield one cent to the Treasury, how the currency | |
would be inflated in that locality! (_That is to say, in the locality to | |
which the collectors would abscond_.) But it is impossible, with the | |
limited time at his disposal, for PUNCHINELLO to enter into a full | |
examination and elucidation of this subject. (_That is to say, he can't | |
think of any more illustrations just now, and the printer wouldn't stand | |
any more, if he could_.) But it must be admitted that the great task of | |
opening up the country, of which we hear so much, will never be complete | |
until the Washington skinners and stuffers get us all into the prepared | |
specimen condition. (_That is to say, when the people are all willing | |
to_ "_dry up_.") | |
* * * * * | |
JOHN CHINAMAN'S BILLING AND COOING.--Pigeon English. | |
* * * * * | |
CABLE NEWS. | |
(EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.) | |
QUEEN ISABELLA has sent her compliments to Senor CASTELAR, as well as to | |
General PRIM, informing them that, on the whole, she thinks she will | |
_not_ return to the throne of Spain. It does not agree with her quiet | |
and refined tastes and habits to live so much in public. All she wants | |
now is a little _chateau en Espagne_. She proposes to send her son, | |
Prince of ASTURIAS, to Professor CASTELAR, to study modern history. Is | |
it not odd, by the way, that a country so long _Mad-rid-den_ as Spain, | |
should have now a governor with such a name as PRIM? But, what's in a | |
name? BOURBON, by any other name, would smell as sweet. Some, however, | |
prefer Old Rye. I prefer _water_ to both; _especially_ to BOURBON. | |
It's an old story that _two positives make a negative_. Paris news tells | |
us that a late will case has exemplified this. COMTE, you know, was a | |
_positive_ philosopher. He had a positive wife. She had a will of her | |
own. He wrote a will of his own. Consequently, it got into court. Mme. | |
COMTE it seems, who did not agree with the philosophy while the | |
philosopher lived, wanted his MSS. after his death. Positively, the | |
court did not see it in that light; and so the negative came out. It was | |
a case of no go, or _non-ego_, as HEGEL might have called it. Did you | |
ever read HEGEL? I didn't; and I advise you not to begin. It won't pay. | |
I am told that he divided all things into Egos, She goes, and Non-egos, | |
or No-goes. The latter particularly; So do I. | |
But to return to Spain; or rather to Paris. Don FRANCOIS D'ASSISSI has, | |
it appears, suddenly discovered that his wife is not Queen of Spain so | |
much as she was. Much less so. So, he has found her company rather | |
expensive than agreeable; and proposes to abdicate it. Not so _very_ | |
much of an ass, is he? Bravo for Don FRANCOIS! | |
In London, _to-morrow_ will be made famous in literature by _the_ great | |
dinner in honor of the advent of PUNCHINELLO. Mr. PUNCH is talked of to | |
preside. An unprecedented rush for tickets has begun. More about it in | |
my next. | |
PRIME. | |
* * * * * | |
Cutting. | |
We see extensively advertised the "Saxon Razor;" but have not yet | |
summoned up sufficient courage to try this article, which "no | |
gentleman's dressing-case should be without." We cannot dispossess our | |
minds of the apprehension of cutting ourselves, remembering that line | |
descriptive of the combat between FITZ-JAMES and RODERICK DHU, in which | |
it is said, that, | |
"----thrice the Saxon blade drank blood." | |
* * * * * | |
Musical. | |
The vocal abilities of hens are admitted; but they rarely attempt the | |
Chro-matic scale. | |
* * * * * | |
De Jure. | |
No man can now be a juror who knows any thing about the case which he is | |
to try. Thus a juryman was challenged in the MCFARLAND case merely | |
because he belonged to Dr. BELLOWS's church. It was held that he might | |
possibly have got Wind of the matter while listening to the Doctor's | |
discourse. | |
* * * * * | |
BOOK NOTICES. | |
AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL. By LOUISA M. ALCOTT. Boston: ROBERTS BROTHERS. | |
New-York: D. APPLETON & Co. | |
The author of "Little Women" seeks, and not without success, to draw | |
from her "Old-Fashioned Girl" a contrast and a moral. She presents to | |
our view two young ladies of opposite "styles." One is fresh and rural: | |
the other isn't. The difference between country and city bringing-up is | |
the point aimed at; and the difference is about as great as that between | |
the warbling of woodside birds and the jingle of one of OFFENBACH'S | |
tunes on a corner barrel-organ. The book is neatly set forth, with | |
illustrations by Messrs. ROBERTS, BROTHERS, of Boston. | |
RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. By the author of "Cometh up as a Flower," etc. | |
New-York: D. APPLETON & Co. | |
A readable book, notwithstanding that there are several naughty | |
characters in it, or perhaps _because_ there are. Probably it depicts | |
with truth the kind of society presented. If so, all the worse for | |
society. Shall we never again have healthful, virtuous novels of the old | |
school, such as "Tom Jones?" The book is published in tasteful form by | |
Messrs. D. APPLETON & Co. | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A. T. STEWART & CO. | | |
| | | |
| ARE OFFERING | | |
| | | |
| Extraordinary Inducements, | | |
| | | |
| IN PRICE, STYLE, AND QUALITY, | | |
| | | |
| TO HOUSEKEEPERS | | |
| | | |
| IN | | |
| | | |
| Linens, Sheetings, | | |
| | | |
| DAMASKS, NAPKINS, TOWELLINGS, | | |
| | | |
| DRESS LINENS, PRINTED LINENS, | | |
| | | |
| FLANNELS, BLANKETS, QUILTS, | | |
| | | |
| COUNTERPANES, SHEETINGS, | | |
| | | |
| Bleached and Brown Cottons, | | |
| | | |
| Standard American Prints, etc., etc. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A. T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| HAVE OPENED A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | | |
| | | |
| LADIES' PARIS MADE DRESSES | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| WALKING SUITS, | | |
| | | |
| In Silk, Poplin, and Linen, | | |
| | | |
| ENTIRE NEW DESIGNS. | | |
| | | |
| FRENCH SILK CLOAKS, | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| SHORT STREET SACQUES. | | |
| | | |
| Children's Cloaks, Ladies' Breakfast Jackets, | | |
| | | |
| Ladies' Pique, Swiss, and Cambric | | |
| | | |
| Morning Robes and Walking Suits, | | |
| | | |
| LADIES' UNDERGARMENTS | | |
| | | |
| Of every description. | | |
| | | |
| French, German, and Domestic Corsets, | | |
| | | |
| Woven and hand-made. | | |
| | | |
| JUST RECEIVED. | | |
| | | |
| AT EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE PRICES, | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| _The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be | | |
| to speak a foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce | | |
| it correctly; and these are the objects which are most | | |
| carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY SYSTEM. | | |
| | | |
| The Mastery of Languages; | | |
| | | |
| OR, | | |
| | | |
| THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY. | | |
| | | |
| BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST. | | |
| | | |
| _I. Hand-Book of the Mastery Series. | | |
| II. The Mastery Series. French. | | |
| III. The Mastery Series. German. | | |
| IV. The Mastery Series. Spanish._ | | |
| | | |
| PRICE 50 CENTS EACH. | | |
| | | |
| _From Professor E. M. Gallaudet, of the National Deaf Mute | | |
| College._ | | |
| | | |
| "The results which crowned the labor of the first week were | | |
| so astonishing that he fears to detail them fully, lest | | |
| doubts should be raised as to his credibility. But this much | | |
| he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a study of less | | |
| than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the | | |
| newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects." | | |
| | | |
| FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS. | | |
| | | |
| "The principle may be explained in a line--it is first | | |
| learning the language, and then studying the grammar, and | | |
| then learning (or trying to learn) the language."--_Morning | | |
| Star_. | | |
| | | |
| "We know that there are some who have given Mr. | | |
| Prendergast's plan a trial, and discovered that in a few | | |
| weeks its results had surpassed all their | | |
| expectations."--_Record_. | | |
| | | |
| "A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced | | |
| me that the method is sound."--_Papers for the | | |
| Schoolmaster_. | | |
| | | |
| "The simplicity and naturalness of the system are | | |
| obvious."--_Herald_ (Birmingham.) | | |
| | | |
| "We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the | | |
| result in a reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_. | | |
| | | |
| FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS. | | |
| | | |
| "The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child | | |
| to talk."--_Troy Whig_. | | |
| | | |
| "We would advise all who are about to begin the study of | | |
| languages to give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_. | | |
| | | |
| "For European travellers this volume is | | |
| invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_. | | |
| | | |
| Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of | | |
| the United States on receipt of price. | | |
| | | |
| D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers, | | |
| | | |
| 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | | |
| | | |
| _Third Edition._ | | |
| | | |
| D. APPLETON & CO., | | |
| | | |
| 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | | |
| | | |
| Have now ready the Third Edition of | | |
| | | |
| RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | | |
| | | |
| By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | | |
| | | |
| 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | | |
| | | |
| From the New York _Evening Express_. | | |
| | | |
| "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | | |
| breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | | |
| | | |
| From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | | |
| | | |
| "The author can and does write well; the descriptions of | | |
| scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and | | |
| never overstrained." | | |
| | | |
| D. A. & Co. have just published: | | |
| | | |
| A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, | | |
| ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | | |
| By Hon. S. S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | | |
| | | |
| REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THE VARIOUS ORDERS, | | |
| WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST | | |
| INTERESTING. | | |
| By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 8vo, $6. | | |
| | | |
| HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND | | |
| CONSEQUENCES. | | |
| By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | | |
| | | |
| HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES. | | |
| I. THE HAND-ROOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | | |
| II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | | |
| III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | | |
| IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | | |
| Price, 50 cents each. | | |
| | | |
| Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | | |
| receipt of the price. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| BURCH'S | | |
| | | |
| Merchant's Restaurant | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| DINING-ROOM, | | |
| | | |
| 310 BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS. | | |
| | | |
| _Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M. | | |
| Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M. | | |
| Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._ | | |
| | | |
| M. C. BURCH, of New-York. | | |
| A. STOW, of Alabama. | | |
| H. A. CARTER, of Massachusetts. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| HENRY L. STEPHENS | | |
| | | |
| ARTIST, | | |
| | | |
| No. 160 Fulton Street, | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Important to Newsdealers! | | |
| | | |
| ALL ORDERS FOR | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO | | |
| | | |
| Will be supplied by | | |
| | | |
| OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS, | | |
| | | |
| American News Co. | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| J. NICKINSON | | |
| | | |
| BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO" | | |
| | | |
| RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, | | |
| | | |
| FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE | | |
| | | |
| HE HAS MADE ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE | | |
| OF | | |
| | | |
| ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | | |
| | | |
| THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID. | | |
| | | |
| Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses, | | |
| can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | | |
| | | |
| OFFICE OF PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., 83 Nassau Street. | | |
| | | |
| [P. O. Box 2783.] | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
[Illustration: A SUCCESSFUL CATCH. | |
_John Bull._ "WELL, GENERAL, HOW DID YOU CATCH YOUR FISH?" | |
_General Prim._ "WITH A SPANISH FLY."] | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| WALTHAM WATCHES. 3-4 PLATE. _16 and 20 Sizes._ | | |
| | | |
| To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | | |
| devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | | |
| command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | | |
| beauty, no less than for the greater excellence of | | |
| mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | | |
| execution, these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | | |
| | | |
| In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | | |
| Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | | |
| | | |
| FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | | |
| | | |
| 33 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. | | |
| | | |
| _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M_. | | |
| | | |
| Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | | |
| to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received. | | |
| | | |
| Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax. | | |
| | | |
| INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | | |
| | | |
| Commences on the first of every month. | | |
| | | |
| HENRY SMITH, _President._ | | |
| | | |
| REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | | |
| | | |
| WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
PUNCHINELLO: | |
TERMS TO CLUBS. | |
WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS | |
FIRST: | |
DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, | |
The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning | |
purposes. | |
SECOND: | |
BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. | |
These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; | |
and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind | |
of crochet or fancy work upon them. | |
THIRD: | |
BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. | |
This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits | |
every thing. | |
FOURTH: | |
AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. | |
This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on | |
all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and | |
Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole | |
parts, etc., price, $60. | |
WE WILL SEND THE | |
Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. | |
No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. | |
" 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. | |
" 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. | |
" 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. | |
No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. | |
" 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. | |
1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. | |
1 100 needles | |
No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, | |
price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. | |
No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, | |
without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. | |
Descriptive Circulars | |
Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and | |
full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. | |
Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct | |
seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers | |
and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send | |
single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. | |
Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts | |
on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered | |
Letters, which any post-master will furnish. | |
Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only | |
will be credited. | |
Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent | |
error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and | |
State. | |
The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable | |
quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in | |
the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to | |
subscription. | |
All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | |
P.O. Box 2783. | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY | |
No. 83 Nassau Street, | |
NEW-YORK | |
* * * * * | |
S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. | |
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 5, April 30, | |
1870, by Various | |
*** |