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Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze | |
and PG Distributed Proofreaders | |
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| CONANT'S | | |
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| PATENT BINDERS | | |
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| FOR | | |
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| "PUNCHINELLO," | | |
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| to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, | | |
| on receipt of One Dollar, by | | |
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| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
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| 83 Nassau Street, New-York City. | | |
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| TO NEWS-DEALERS. | | |
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| PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | | |
| THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL | | |
| Bound in a Handsome Cover, | | |
| IS NOW READY. Price Fifty Cents. | | |
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| AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY. | | |
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| Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | | |
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| HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | | |
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| STEEL PENS. | | |
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| These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | | |
| than any other Pen In the market. Special attention is | | |
| called to the following grades, as being better suited for | | |
| business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | | |
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| "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | | |
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| We recommend for bank and office use. | | |
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| D. APPLETON & CO., | | |
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| _Sole Agents for United States._ | | |
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Vol. 1. No. 9. | |
PUNCHINELLO | |
SATURDAY, MAY 28, 1870. | |
PUBLISHED BY THE | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | |
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. | |
* * * * * | |
_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, Written expressly for | |
Punchinello, by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. | |
Drood." To be continued weekly during this year._ | |
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| APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | | |
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| "PUNCHINELLO" | | |
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| SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | | |
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| J. NICKINSON, | | |
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| Room No. 4, | | |
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| 83 NASSAU STREET. | | |
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| Notice to Ladies. | | |
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| DIBBLEE, | | |
| | | |
| Of 854 Broadway, | | |
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| Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | | |
| styles of Chignons, Chatelaines, etc., | | |
| | | |
| FROM PARIS. | | |
| | | |
| Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | | |
| | | |
| La Coquette, La Plenitude, La Bouquet, La Sirene, | | |
| L'Imperatrice etc., | | |
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| At prices varying from $2 upward. | | |
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| AGENTS WANTED | | |
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| In every town, county, and State, to canvass for HENRY WARD | | |
| BEECHER'S great weekly paper, with which is GIVEN AWAY that | | |
| superb and world-renowned work of art, "_Marshall's | | |
| Household Engraving of Washington_." The best paper and the | | |
| grandest engraving In America. Agents report "making $20 in | | |
| half a day." "Sales easier than books, and profits greater." | | |
| Ladies or gentlemen desiring immediate or largely | | |
| remunerative employment should apply at once. Book | | |
| canvassers, and all soliciting agents will find more money | | |
| in this than in anything else. It is something _entirely | | |
| new_, being an _unprecedented combination_ and very taking. | | |
| Send for circular and terms to | | |
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| J. B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | | |
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| 39 Park Row, New-York. | | |
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| PHELAN & COLLENDER, | | |
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| MANUFACTURERS OF | | |
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| Standard American Billiard Tables. | | |
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| WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, | | |
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| 738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. | | |
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| GEO. B. BOWLEND, | | |
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| DRAUGHTSMAN AND DESIGNER, | | |
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| 160 FULTON STREET, | | |
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| Room No. 11. | | |
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| NEW-YORK. | | |
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| WEVILL & HAMMAR, | | |
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| Wood Engravers, | | |
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| No. 208 BROADWAY, | | |
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| NEW-YORK. | | |
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| Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | | |
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| 29 LIBERTY STREET, | | |
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| New-York, | | |
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| MANUFACTURERS OF THE | | |
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| _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | | |
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| All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | | |
| any responsible house. Also importers of the | | |
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| _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | | |
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| Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | | |
| ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | | |
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| Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | | |
| calling at | | |
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| 29 LIBERTY STREET. | | |
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| HERCULES MUTUAL | | |
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| LIFE ASSURANCE | | |
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| SOCIETY | | |
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| OF THE UNITED STATES. | | |
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| No. 240 Broadway, New-York. | | |
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| POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. | | |
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| All Policies | | |
| Entitled to Participation in Profits. | | |
| Dividends Declared Annually. | | |
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| JAMES D. REYMERT, President. | | |
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| ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary. | | |
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| THOMAS H. WHITE. M.D., Medical Examiner. | | |
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| ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. | | |
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| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
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| With a large and varied experience in the management and | | |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | | |
| with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | | |
| to justify the undertaking, the | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | |
| | | |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | | |
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| Presents to the public for approval, the | | |
| | | |
| NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | | |
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| WEEKLY PAPER, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO, | | |
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| The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty | | |
| without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | | |
| printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | | |
| by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | | |
| who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | | |
| or by subscription from this office. | | |
| | | |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | | |
| | | |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | | |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | | |
| day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | | |
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| Terms: | | |
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| One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies, ten cents. | | |
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| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | | |
| cents. | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | | |
| or paper, price, $2.50, for ......................... 5.50 | | |
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| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for .. 7.00 | | |
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| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | | |
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| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
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| No. 83 Nassau Street, | | |
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| NEW-YORK | | |
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| P.O. Box, 2783. | | |
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| (_For terms to Clubs, see 16th page_.) | | |
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| Mercantile Library, | | |
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| Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | | |
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| NEW-YORK. | | |
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| This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | | |
| number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About | | |
| 1000 volumes are added each month; and very large purchases | | |
| are made of all new and popular works. | | |
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|Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each| | |
| delivery. | | |
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| TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | | |
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| TO CLERKS, | | |
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| $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | | |
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| TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | | |
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| AND AT | | |
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| Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | | |
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| AMERICAN | | |
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| BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | | |
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| AND | | |
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| SEWING-MACHINE CO., | | |
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| 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | | |
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| This great combination machine is the last and greatest | | |
| Improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | | |
| all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | | |
| | | |
| BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES. | | |
| | | |
| in all fabrics. | | |
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| Machine, with finely finished | | |
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| OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | | |
| | | |
| complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | | |
| $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | | |
| to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | | |
| market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | | |
| purchasers. | | |
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| HENRY SPEAR, PRINTER, | | |
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| LITHOGRAPHER, | | |
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| STATIONER. | | |
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| | | |
| J. NICKINSON | | |
| | | |
| begs to announce to the friends of | | |
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| "PUNCHINELLO" | | |
| | | |
| residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | | |
| made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | | |
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| ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | | |
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| the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | | |
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| Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses | | |
| can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | | |
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| OFFICE OF | | |
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| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | |
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| 83 Nassau Street. | | |
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| [P.O. Box 2783.] | | |
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* * * * * | |
[Illustration: AT THE MERCANTILE LIBRARY. | |
_Mr. Nottmuch_, (to Clerk in Library.) "I SEE BY YOUR CIRCULAR THAT | |
VISITORS OF DISTINCTION HAVE FREE ACCESS TO YOUR READING-ROOM, AND AS I | |
HAVE CONTRIBUTED A STORY TO THE 'WAYERLY MAGAZINE,'" etc. | |
_Nottmuch_, (having obtained access to the reading-room.) "A VERY PRETTY | |
GIRL, THAT SUPERINTENDENT! HAS SHE PERUSED MY STORY, OR DO I DAZZLE HER | |
WITH MY LOOKS? HA! SHE RISES!----." | |
_Lady Superintendent_. (blandly but firmly). "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT IT'S | |
AGAINST THE RULES FOR GENTLEMEN TO PLACE THEIR FEET ON CHAIRS."] | |
* * * * * | |
HIGH NOTES BY OUR MUSICAL CRITIC. | |
PUNCHINELLO'S critic, always the friend of fair-play, resents the | |
insinuation that Mr. CARL ROSA has been a careless director of Opera. | |
The truth is that Mr. ROSA has not produced the smallest work without a | |
great deal of Preparation. | |
FLOTOW'S _Shadow_ is to be brought out in London. It will not stand the | |
ghost of a chance unless well mounted. Music light and sketchy; | |
remarkable for a Chorus of Fishermen, well known as the "Shad oh! song." | |
_Lohengrin_ has had a run of eight nights at Brussels, with average | |
receipts of little less than four thousand francs. This sort of tune is | |
the only one in the music of the Future which managers can understand. | |
Nevertheless Herr WAGNER is not out of spirits. Intent upon laying the | |
foundations of future wealth and fame, he can lay Low and Grin. Brussels | |
gold will serve him as well as _Rheingold_. | |
The difference between BACH'S music find a music-box is yet an unsettled | |
conundrum. Such is likely to be the fate of the question raised with so | |
much temper over the Passion Music of that great man by the English | |
critics. Shame on all critics that condemn MOZART as a fogy and BACH as | |
a nuisance. Of course it is going back on BACH with a vengeance, but | |
what sympathy can exist between the old fuguemakers and the modern | |
high-flyers? | |
* * * * * | |
LATEST NEWS ITEMS. | |
A SHEFFIELD paper has been prosecuted for asserting that the Prince of | |
Wales was a fast young man. The prosecution was withdrawn as soon as the | |
editor confessed that the Prince was loose. | |
The Treasury Department is much distressed by the great genius for | |
smuggling displayed by the Chinese immigrants. They secrete opium in all | |
sorts of wonderful places, and so worry the custom-house officers | |
dreadfully. Several children have been arrested for bringing their | |
"poppies" over with them, and feeling in favor of the offenders ran so | |
high that a number of women were fined for having a share in laud'n'm. | |
The bull fights in London have come to a mournful conclusion. The bulls | |
refused to take part, and the principal combatant instead of being all | |
Matted O'er with the blood of his taurine victims, has been sent to | |
prison for trying to Pick a Door lock. | |
The Last of the Piegans is travelling East, on his way to Philadelphia, | |
to see "SHERIDAN'S Ride." He was away from home when PHILIP was there, | |
and is very anxious to know the young man when he sees him again. Hence | |
his laudable anxiety to study the picture. | |
The Fenian Army. | |
If the Fenians send an army to aid the Red river insurgents, it may | |
probably be the only "BIEL" work they will attempt this year. | |
* * * * * | |
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District | |
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. | |
* * * * * | |
WHAT I KNOW ABOUT PROTECTION. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Having skilfully illuminated Free Trade, I now proceed | |
to elucidate Protection. You see when we reach Protection, the boot is | |
on the other leg; _you_ make the conundrums then, and the other man | |
tries to guess them. There are many kinds of protection; there's the | |
kind which a State's prison-keeper gives to one of his birds; the kind | |
which a black-and-tan terrier, or a freshly-imported Chinaman, extends | |
to a good fat rat; the kind which a pious young man offers to a fair and | |
tender damsel, when he places his arm around her dainty waist, and | |
gently absorbs the dew of innocence from her rosy lips, (that idea, is, | |
I think, plagiarized from TENNYSON,) and the kind which a delicate | |
mother-in-law, blessed with nerves, pours out upon her son-in-law. But I | |
leave the discussion of such things to weaker birds, and soar myself to | |
a higher kind, _i.e._, that Protection which is diametrically opposed to | |
Free Trade. | |
Protection, in this sense, is--well, let me follow my own admirable | |
example, and illustrate: You own a coal mine in Pennsylvania, which | |
contains tolerably poor coal, with which you mix a proper amount of | |
stone, and then sell the mixture for a high price. ICHABOD BLUE-NOSE | |
owns a coal mine in Nova Scotia, which furnishes good coal; he puts no | |
slate in it, and yet sells it at a low figure. You reflect that with | |
such opposition you will never manage to dispose of all your stone, so | |
you apply to Congress, and have a high tariff put on coal. That's | |
Protection. Metaphysically defined, Protection is the natural right, | |
inherent in every American citizen, to obtain money in large quantities | |
for goods of small qualities. | |
Protection is not a natural production; it was invented about the time | |
taxes were, though it must be admitted that those very annoying articles | |
appeared very early in the history of the human race. I've no doubt that | |
ADAM levied taxes, though it's very doubtful if he could put as many | |
things in a tax levy as a New York politician can. Certainly there was a | |
very high tariff on apples in his day--so high that humanity has not yet | |
succeeded in paying off the duty on the one ADAM ate. ABRAHAM paid | |
taxes, and, as he was his own Senate and House, doubtless he passed a | |
tariff bill to suit himself, and had any quantity of Protection. I have | |
always regretted that NOAH didn't pass a bill protecting native | |
industry, because he could have enforced it, and had no wrangling about | |
it. | |
There are one or two points about Protection which a wayfaring man, even | |
if people labor under the impression that he is a fool, can understand. | |
If you are JOHN SMITH and own a coal mine or an iron mill, you go to | |
Washington, see your Congressman, (by see I mean look at him, of | |
course,) donate large sums of money to certain poor, but honest men, who | |
adorn the lobby of the House, while they are waiting for generous | |
patrons like unto you, then go home and calmly await the result. Your | |
representative makes a speech, the exordium of which is Patriotism, the | |
peroration of which is Star-Spangled Banner, and the central plum of | |
which is your coal mine or iron mill. Your poor and honest friends wear | |
out several pairs of shoes, the tariff bill is passed, your mine or mill | |
is abundantly protected, and the country is saved. If, on the other | |
hand, you are JOHN BROWN, and raise cabbages and turnips on a farm, you | |
are allowed to pay high prices for SMITH'S coal or iron, but you expect | |
no Protection, and you've a sure thing of getting what you expect. | |
Of course you don't imagine that I shall explain the details of this | |
profound subject. There are only two men in this country who think they | |
can do that, and each one of those says that the other is an idiot. As a | |
rule, figures can't lie; but look out for the exceptions when you run | |
across the subject of Protection. The very same figures have an ugly way | |
of proving both sides of a question. You run down a fact, and think | |
you've got it, but, before you know it, it has slipped, like the "little | |
joker," over to the other side. | |
Personally, I am a Protectionist. Formerly I indulged in that monstrous | |
absurdity, Free Trade, but then I was an importer; now, being a | |
manufacturer, the scales have fallen from my eyes, and I am of the | |
straitest sect a Protectionist. You can't give me too much of it. Of | |
course I can't see why pig-iron should be protected, and pigs not. I | |
think every native production should be cared for, and that there should | |
be an excessively high tariff on foreign food. In that case poor REVERDY | |
JOHNSON would have been compelled to have passed a Lenten season at | |
Halifax, until he had eradicated from his system the rich English | |
dinners, before he could have entered this favored land. And | |
MOTLEY--bless me, he has eaten so much that I don't believe he could get | |
it out of his body if he fasted for the remainder of his natural life. | |
I am informed, however, that Protection does us one injury. All the | |
_World_ says that there is a Parsee in our land, who is loaded with | |
rupees, but who is unable to spend them here because of our protective | |
system, and what all the _World_ says, you know, must be true. However, | |
there are 40,000,000 of us, and, if Congress will make all Americans buy | |
my patent door-knobs, the Parsee can go to--Hindostan. | |
I don't think any thing more can be said about Protection. Any body who | |
doesn't understand it now had better go to Washington, and listen to the | |
debate on scrap-iron. That will sharpen his wits. Pig-iron, of course, | |
is interesting, but then that's a light and airy subject. Hear the | |
debate on scrap-iron, by all means. | |
LOT. | |
* * * * * | |
A LITERARY VAMPIRE. | |
No greater mistake was ever made than the supposition that PUNCHINELLO | |
is to be assailed with impunity by rival publications. It is well known | |
that he never courted controversies or quarrels, and his best friends | |
understand perfectly his love for a peaceable career. But when that | |
flippant sheet, known as _Rees's American Encyclopedia_, comes out with | |
a violent attack upon PUNCHINELLO'S past life and present course, the | |
assault is such as would provoke a retort from any honest man. The vile | |
insinuation that PUNCHINELLO is printed and published for the sole | |
purpose of making money out of its subscribers and the reading public in | |
general, is too mendacious for refutation; and when the reckless editor | |
of the periodical in question gravely announces that he can never read | |
PUNCHINELLO without laughing at its contents, it will be readily seen | |
that he goes so far as to make use of the truth to serve his wicked | |
purposes. But the descent which this shameless conductor of a journal, | |
confessedly the organ of our ignorant masses, has made into the private | |
life of PUNCHINELLO, is without precedent. He states that for the first | |
fourteen years of his life, PUNCHINELLO was, to all intents and | |
purposes, a person of little or no fortune, and that he depended | |
entirely upon his parents for support; that, until he had reached his | |
fifth birthday, he had absolutely no knowledge of English literature, | |
and was entirely ignorant of even the rudiments of the classics; that he | |
never paid one cent of income tax at that period of his life; and that | |
his belief in the fundamental principles of political economy was, at | |
that time, doubted by all who knew him best! Are such statements as | |
these to be submitted to by a man of honor? Never! PUNCHINELLO dares the | |
recreant editor of the dirty sheet to do his worst! Of that base man he | |
could tell much which would render him unfit for the association of any | |
person living, but he forbears. This much, however, he will say. It is | |
well known that the said calumniator did, at many periods of his life, | |
make use of the services of a _calceolarius_. Think of that, freemen of | |
America! He has often been known to submit to indignities, such as | |
nose-pulling from the hands of a common _tonsor_, and has been | |
frequently in such a condition that he could not appear in public | |
without the assistance of a _sartor_! Is it fitting that a high-toned | |
journalist should engage in petty recriminations with such a one? | |
"Revenge," says JAMES MURDOCK, "is the sweetest morsel cooked in its own | |
gravy, with _sauce moyennaise_." "Yes," said Dean SWIFT, "and let us | |
have some, and a little gin, say five fingers, and a trifle of milk." | |
Thus it is that we regard the editor of the _Encyclopedia_. | |
CARLYLE remarks, "Many a vessel, (for if not a Vessel, then surely we, | |
or our progenitors, in counting ships, and the assumptive floatative | |
mechanisms of anterior and past ages; or as the Assyrians | |
[under-estimating the force of the correlative elements] declared a | |
bridging, or a going over [not of seas merely, but of those chaotic gaps | |
of the mind] are all wrong enough indeed,) has never got there." | |
We also think of that editor in this way, and trust that enough has been | |
said to make it plain that PUNCHINELLO is not to be attacked with | |
impunity by every little journal of the day. | |
* * * * * | |
Encouraging for Travellers. | |
The managers of a leading railroad announce that they take passengers | |
"to all principal points of the West without change." Such unusual | |
liberality, at a time when Change is so scarce with many people, | |
ought to insure for that railroad a great success. | |
* * * * * | |
Alike, but Different. | |
Poetry sometimes has a Ring in it. So has a pig's nose. | |
* * * * * | |
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. | |
Military dramas might, as a rule, be called with equal propriety | |
millinery dramas. In other words, their success is generally due to | |
their costumes. In this respect they afford a marked contrast to ballet | |
spectacles. The latter give us inanity without clothes; the former, | |
inanity in particularly gorgeous clothes. Which, again, leads to the | |
further remark that the difference between the two styles of inanity is, | |
after all, a clothes thing. This is a joke. | |
The _Lancers_, now running at WALLACK'S, (a proceeding which implies no | |
want of bravery on the part of that distinguished corps,) is, however, | |
unlike most military dramas, inasmuch as it is a bright and brilliant | |
play. Moreover, it is acted by the best members of the Company in their | |
very best manner. Miss LOUISA MOORE, whose golden hair and silvery voice | |
become an actress of genuine mettle as well as gentle grace, is ESTELLE, | |
the heroine; Miss EMILY MESTAYER is the Commanding Sister of Col. EPEE | |
who is personated by Mr. FISHER; Mr. WYNDHAM is the Graceless Private, | |
who, having spent his last penny, enlists in the Lancers and spends vast | |
sums in beneficiary beer in company with his comrades; Mr. WILLIAMSON is | |
the Kindly Sergeant; Mr. RINGGOLD is the Genial Artist, whose velvet | |
coat suggests that he has recently managed a Starr _opera bouffe_ | |
enterprise; and Mr. STODDART is happy in the congenial character of a | |
Clumsy Trumpeter. If any speculative manager pretends that he has a | |
better hypothetical cast in his eye than the present cast of the | |
_Lancers_, let him be given to the surgical tormentors to be operated | |
upon for malignant _strabismus_. | |
The curtain rises upon the Genial Artist searching for his friend, the | |
Graceless Private, in the empty jugs and glasses at the _Golden Sun | |
Inn_. To him enters the Clumsy Trumpeter. | |
_Genial Artist_. "Where can he be? It--it must, and yet--" | |
_Clumsy Trumpeter (without Stoddart's usual oath.)_ "He's got 'em. | |
Hallo! friend. Do you want any thing?" | |
_Genial Artist_. "Yes--no--that is--or rather it isn't--" (_Exit, while | |
Trumpeter makes faces at the gallery_.) | |
_Enter_ ESTELLE _and her maid, disguised as peasants, and pursued by a | |
troop of lancers_. | |
_All the Lancers_. "Let _me_ kiss 'em." | |
_Both the Girls_. "Scr-r-r-r-e-e-e-ch." | |
(_Enter Graceless Private_.) | |
_Graceless Private_. "I will protect you. Get out, all you fellows." | |
(_They get out_.) | |
A flirtation between the Private and ESTELLE is at once begun, from | |
which it appears that she came to catch a glimpse of the Colonel, who | |
wants to marry her. She and the Private sit on the table, and fall | |
instantaneously in love. As soon as they are well in, the Lancers | |
return, and ESTELLE flies. Graceless Private, having no money, pays for | |
the co-inebriation of the entire corps, and while engaged in this | |
praiseworthy occupation is found by the Genial Artist, who makes him | |
promise to attend a ball at a neighboring _chateau_. Enter Kindly | |
Sergeant, who arrests the Graceless Private, and puts him in the | |
guard-house. Curtain falls amid faces from STODDART (without his usual | |
oath) and applause from the audience. | |
_Veteran Play-goer_. "Well, I've seen STODDART in every thing he has | |
played this year, and this is the first time he has failed to swear on | |
every ineligible occasion." | |
_Young Lady who frequents Wallack's_. "Who is that Clumsy Trumpeter? I | |
don't know him." | |
_Accompanying Young Man_. "Why, don't you know STODDART?" | |
_Young Lady_. "Nonsense; that isn't STODDART. Why, he hasn't sworn | |
once." | |
_Fast Young Man_. "STODDART isn't himself to-night. He hasn't the spirit | |
to swear. Did you hear the good thing he said Monday night about Miss | |
MOORE? It was devilish good. Says he--" (_Repeats an indelicate joke_.) | |
_Irate Old Gentleman who overhears the story_. "If he said that, sir, he | |
ought to have been hissed off the stage, sir; and turned out of the | |
company, sir! It was an insult to an estimable lady, and an outrage on | |
the audience, sir!" | |
_The second act takes place in the salon of ESTELLE. The Colonel and his | |
Commanding Sister lay siege to_ ESTELLE'S _heart. Graceless Private, in | |
evening dress, countermines the Colonel's forces and routs them, wading | |
deeper than before in the exhilarating surf of love, hand in hand with_ | |
ESTELLE. (_This metaphor has been leased for a term of years to a | |
distinguished hydropathic poet.) Clumsy Trumpeter drops books and things | |
all over the room, and recognises the Graceless Private. Finally the | |
Colonel and the latter quarrel, and go out in the back yard to fight, | |
where the Private is wounded in the arm. The Colonel returns and | |
announces the result to_ ESTELLE, _who swoons, or at all events, makes | |
an admirable feint of so doing. Curtain._ | |
_Fast Young Man_. "STODDART didn't try his good joke to-night. He'll say | |
something yet, though, before the play is over." | |
_Every body Else_. "Did you ever see better acting than WYNDHAM'S and | |
Miss MOORE'S? And how capitally FISHER and Miss MESTAYER are playing? | |
STODDART positively hasn't sworn yet. What can be the matter with him?" | |
_Inquiring Maiden, to her travelled lover_. "Are the uniforms just like | |
those of the real French Lancers?" | |
_Travelled Lover_. "Very nearly. There is one button too many on the | |
front of the Colonel's coat. I know the regiment well. It's the crack | |
artillery regiment in the French service." | |
_Act III. shows us the Graceless Private brought before the Colonel for | |
examination. He feigns drunkenness, but the Colonel suspects him of | |
having been his adversary at the ball_. ESTELLE _visits the Colonel in | |
order to save her Private lover. He is proved to have broken his arrest, | |
and is sentenced to death_. ESTELLE _offers to marry the Colonel if he | |
will pardon the Private. The latter's discharge arrives in the nick of | |
time, and as he is thus beyond the reach of the Colonel's vengeance, he | |
graciously pardons him, and joins his hand to that of_ ESTELLE. _He | |
remarks--or ought to--"Bless you, my children." Every body suddenly | |
finds out that every body else is noble and generous. And so the curtain | |
falls upon a happy garrison, including a Trumpeter who has not sworn a | |
single oath_. | |
_One Half of the Audience_. "How do you like it? I like it so much." | |
_The Other Half_. "I like it immensely." | |
_Chorus from Every body_. "Why didn't STODDART swear?" | |
_Answering Echo from the Tipperary Hills_. "Because WALLACK has told him | |
that the public won't stand it any longer." | |
And the public is right. Mr. STODDART is an exceptionally able actor, | |
but of late he has grown intolerably coarse and vulgar while on the | |
stage. His profanity has disgraced himself and the theatre, and his | |
gratuitous insult to an estimable lady, who had the misfortune to appear | |
in the same scene with him on Monday night, should have secured his | |
instant dismissal from the company, and his perpetual banishment to | |
_Tammany_ or _Tony Pastor's_. Let him turn over a new leaf at once. He | |
does not swear in the present play, and the fact is creditable to him. | |
He is a gentleman in private life; let him be a gentleman on the stage. | |
By so doing he will soon be recognized as one of the best comedians of | |
the day. And PUNCHINELLO will be the first to praise him when he lays | |
aside the unnecessary vulgarity with which he has latterly bid for the | |
applause of the gallery. | |
MATADOR. | |
* * * * * | |
THE RELIGION OF TEMPERANCE. | |
Says Poet to Parson--To save men from drinking, | |
Not many religions are good to my thinking; | |
To be sure a good Baptist a man of true grace is, | |
But a Hard Shell, my brother's the hardest of cases. | |
Your Shouter's too noisy for temperance talking, | |
Your Come-outer too harsh for right temperate walking. | |
A Quaker's not steady enough on his beam-ends, | |
And a Shaker is bad for _delirium tremens_. | |
But of all the hard drinkers religion has warmed, | |
To my mind the most hopeful's the _German Reformed_. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE PET DOGS OF NEW-YORK PRESENT THEIR COMPLIMENTS, WITH | |
THE ABOVE CUT, TO MR. BERGH, AND REQUEST THAT HE WILL CUR-TAIL THE | |
SPORTS OF THOUGHTLESS CHILDREN WHO INSIST UPON PLAYING AT "HORSE" WITH | |
THEM.] | |
* * * * * | |
Logical. | |
One PULLMAN, who preaches the "milk of the word," (not without gin, | |
PUNCHINELLO supposes,) declares that the BIBLE is full of lies. Well, | |
according to his own view of it, PULLMAN must be full of Scripture. | |
* * * * * | |
The Real Fact. | |
Mr. COLFAX, says the Cincinnati Gazette, intends to call his new-born | |
son CASABLANCA, the Vice-President having once "stood on a burning | |
deck," etc. PUNCHINELLO discovers a shrewder reason. The plain English | |
for Casablanca is White-House. | |
* * * * * | |
Concealed Weapons. | |
Detroit drunkards, says an exchange, use a stocking with a stone in it | |
to avoid arrest--just as if a hat "with a brick in it" were not enough! | |
* * * * * | |
Written With a Steal Pen. | |
So great is the habit among editors of cribbing from each other, that if | |
one were to write an article about an egg another would immediately | |
Poach it. | |
* * * * * | |
The Battle of Hastings. | |
The fight between the _Commercial Advertiser_ and THEODORE TILTON. | |
* * * * * | |
Triumphs of the Chisel. | |
The Wall street "busts." Good judges pronounce them Per Phidias. | |
* * * * * | |
What an Asthmatic Artist can not Draw. | |
A long breath. | |
* * * * * | |
"The American Working-woman's Union" Most Sought After. | |
MARRIAGE. | |
* * * * * | |
The Latest Edition of "Shoo! Fly." | |
"MOSQUITO" at Niblo's. | |
* * * * * | |
THE CONGRESSMAN TO HIS CRITICS. | |
Well, talk, if you like; I suppose it's your way; | |
Each citizen, surely, should say all his say; | |
_I_ did just so, when I'd nothing to do; | |
And if _I_ felt like doing so, why shouldn't _you_! | |
It's republican, pleasant, and safe, to find fault; | |
If a man can't do _that_, why he's not worth his salt. | |
And never, since critics (and fleas) learned their powers, | |
Was a country more blest with such vermin than ours. | |
You've learned much about your old friend, it is said; | |
The farther I'm from you, the plainer I'm read! | |
When "one of the people" comes here to make laws, | |
The "people" disown him. Now, what is the cause? | |
You say I'm not "dignified." Well, friends--are you? | |
My language, my manners, are rough, it is true; | |
My tones, and my jokes, (since you say it,) are coarse; | |
But very few streams rise above their own source. | |
If we're all "politicians," and they are such trash | |
As you have declared them, why were you so rash | |
As to give us your votes? What! will nobody "run" | |
But a "mere politician?" Why, then we're undone! | |
Come, come--this is nonsense! Be fair, my good sirs! | |
Let us look at this question. Suppose it occurs | |
That a long, prosy speech is about to be made; | |
If you say, "Stay and hear it," must you be obeyed? | |
But ours is a "serious business." True! | |
And so are some other things serious, too! | |
Such as courtships, and dinners, and headaches, and blues, | |
And sight-seeing friends, whom 'tis death[1] to refuse! | |
Now, many of us (though it should not be said!) | |
Are really stupid, and haven't much head. | |
We don't take that view of our duty that _you_ do; | |
We're often so bothered we don't know what _to_ do! | |
Our votes look decided--as though we did know; | |
But that's because BUTLER or SCHENCK voted so. | |
Such points may come up, in the course of the day, | |
As would puzzle the Seraphim some, I should say! | |
Besides, gentle friends! did you ever think so? | |
Perhaps we are paying you all that we owe. | |
If you want better service, why send better men, | |
And be better yourselves. It will all be right, then. | |
[Footnote 1: Political death, of course.] | |
* * * * * | |
Come on, Ladies! | |
An Anti-mustache movement has begun in Boston. PUNCHINELLO to explain | |
that it begins altogether with the ladies, and is, of course, Right | |
Against the mustaches. | |
* * * * * | |
For Lunatics Only. | |
The latest whim of the Lunatics in one of the Indiana Asylums is the | |
notion that they can design and build opera-houses. Well, we have lots | |
of crazy architecture, and more than one gentleman has acknowledged | |
himself insane for investing in opera-houses. But PUNCHINELLO thinks | |
that the tastes of the insane would be better encouraged if directed to | |
the building of Courts of Justice. Every Court-house thus constructed, | |
would be a monument to the Plea of Insanity. | |
* * * * * | |
GLIMPSES OF FORTUNE. | |
You may not think so, my dear PUNCHINELLO, but it is true. I have had | |
them. I am not one of your bloated aristocrats--just at the present | |
moment--but I know as well as any one what WHITTIER meant when he said | |
"it might have been." As an instance of this, I will just state that it | |
has not been a very long time since, in looking over the columns of one | |
of our principal dailies, I saw something among the personals which | |
seemed to touch my interests in, a very decided way. I often look over | |
the "Personals," for I know well the connection between fortune and the | |
Press. I have not forgotten the success of A.T. STEWART and many other | |
millionaires, and their dependence on the newspapers--but never until | |
that day had I seen any thing in that mystic column which could possibly | |
be construed to apply to inc. As for the rest of the paper, I knew that | |
there was nothing to interest me there. You see I was after Fortune. The | |
advertisement to which I refer road as follows: | |
"If the gentleman in a dark hat and gray pantaloons, who, in a Broadway | |
stage, one day last week, passed up the fare for a lady with blue eyes | |
and high-heeled boots, will call at 831 Dash street, second floor, he | |
will hear of something to his advantage. A.R.R." | |
Now, it so happened, that during the whole of the preceding week I had | |
worn a black hat and gray pantaloons; indeed, I had them on yet, and, to | |
tell the truth, I had no others. Therefore, this part of the case was | |
all clear enough. There was no reason why the gentleman inquired for | |
should not be me. I had certainly ridden in a stage in the last week, | |
and I remember very well that I passed up the fare for lady with blue | |
eyes. I performed a similar service for several ladies; but one of them, | |
I am sure, had blue eyes. As to the high-heeled boots I suppose she wore | |
them, but how was I to know that? At all events it would be a piece of | |
the most culpable indifference to my welfare to neglect this chance. | |
Fortune! and through a lady, too! To think of it! The promised advantage | |
might be great or small, but whatever it was, it would be most welcome. | |
And the honor, too! A piece of positive advantage for an act of manly | |
gallantry! | |
I immediately put on that black hat, and with those identical gray | |
trowsers upon my legs, I strode down to 321 Dash street, and mounted | |
instantly to the second floor. As there was but one entrance door from | |
the stair-way on this floor, I felt certain that I had found the right | |
place. | |
The business of Mr. A.R.R. was evidently a very profitable one, for his | |
room was quite full of people. I inquired of a boy for the author of the | |
notice I held in my hand, (I had carefully cut it from the paper,) and | |
was informed that this was the right place, and that the gentleman would | |
see me in a few moments. I took a seat and regarded the persons who were | |
standing and sitting about the room. They were all men, and in a few | |
minutes I discovered, to my great surprise, that they all wore black | |
hats and gray pantaloons! | |
I must admit, that when I made this discovery, I experienced a very | |
peculiar sensation, as if some one had suddenly dropped a little | |
ice-water down my back. Was it possible that all these men were here in | |
answer to that advertisement, which I considered addressed to me alone? | |
There were all sorts of them; old gentlemen with heads grayer than their | |
pants; young fellows who looked like clerks; and middle-aged men, who | |
seemed like very respectable heads of families. Was it possible that | |
each one of those individuals had, in the last week, passed up the fare | |
of a blue-eyed lady with high-heeled boots? And did each one of them | |
expect to enjoy that advantage for which I came here? One thing was | |
certain; they did not announce to each other their business, but looked | |
at their watches and tapped their boots, and knitted their brows as if | |
each one of them had come on very particular business, which had nothing | |
to do with the affairs of the general crowd. But all those gray | |
trowsers! There was no concealing them. | |
A door, leading into an adjoining room, now opened quickly, and Mr. | |
A.R.R. made his appearance. No one doubted that he was the man, for he | |
bowed politely, and seemed to expect the company. He was a tall, thin, | |
and well-dressed man, and held in his hand a small package. Instantly | |
upon his appearance every man in the room stuck his thumb and forefinger | |
into his vest pocket, and pulling out a little piece of printed paper, | |
said, "Sir, I called--" A.R.R. waved his hand. | |
"Gentlemen," said he, "I know why you called, and you will allow me to | |
remark--" | |
"But look here," said a tall man with a blue cravat. "I think that I am | |
the person you want to see, and as I am in a hurry, I would like to see | |
you for a few minutes in private." | |
Dozens of angry eyes were now directed upon this presumptuous | |
individual, and dozens of angry voices were about to break forth when | |
the benign A.R.R. again waved his hand. | |
"Gentlemen," said he, "I wish to see you all. No one more than another. | |
I have reason to believe that every one of you is the person to whom | |
that advertisement referred. I see you are all gentlemen, and you would | |
not have made your appearance here had you not fulfilled the conditions | |
mentioned in the paper." | |
Here was a smothered hum, which seemed to precede a general outbreak, | |
but A.R.R., blandly smiling, continued: | |
"Gentlemen, do not become impatient. What I have to say is to the | |
advantage of every one of you. You all move in good society--I can see | |
that--and you therefore are well aware of some of the penalties of | |
social pleasures and high living. Consequently, gentlemen," and now he | |
spoke very fast, as if fearful of interruption, "you must have, all of | |
you, experienced some of the evils of indigestion, and it is to relieve | |
these that I have prepared my Binocular Barberry Bitters--" | |
A roar of rage here broke forth from every man of us, and a rush was | |
made towards the smiling impostor, but he quickly slipped through the | |
door behind him, and locked it in our faces. And then, before we could | |
rush from the room where we had been so shamefully duped, the head of | |
A.R.R. appeared at a little window in the partition-wall, and he called | |
out: | |
"Gentlemen, this mixture is, as my initials declare, a Radical Relief, | |
and retails at one dollar per bottle, I hope you will take some of my | |
circulars home with you," and he threw among the crowd the package of | |
circulars which he had held in his hand. | |
This, O friend PUNCHINELLO, was only one of my Glimpses of Fortune. I | |
may yet see the jade more nearly. IMPECUNE. | |
* * * * * | |
Query. | |
Under the conditions of the Fifteenth Amendment, should things continue | |
to be put down in Black and White? | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: | |
"COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS." | |
_Fond Mother._ "YES, HE'S A PRETTY GOOD BOY, BUT HE DON'T | |
TAKE TO HIS LETTERS." | |
_Squire._ "WELL, HE OUGHTER, FOR HIS MOUTH IS LIKE THE | |
SLIT OF A POST-OFFICE BOX."] | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: A TABLEAU OF THE DAY. | |
GENERAL DANA, WHO HAS BROUGHT THE FIRE OF THE "SUN" TO BEAR UPON EVERY | |
BODY, NOW BEGINS TO REALIZE THE FORCE OF THE PROVERB--"FOLKS WHO LIVE IN | |
GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW STONES."] | |
* * * * * | |
THE INDIAN QUESTION. | |
[AS VIEWED IN THE WEST.] | |
This is _our_ business, understand! | |
You Eastern folks, with tempers bland | |
All get your views at second-hand. | |
We are the ones that take the brunt | |
Of every lively Indian-hunt, | |
So don't be angry if we're blunt. | |
If any body's scalped it's _us!_ | |
So we've a well-earned right to cuss, | |
And you've _no_ right to make a fuss. | |
Talk as you please about their "rights;" | |
That don't include their coming nights, | |
And cutting out our lungs and lights. | |
You get your wife and children shot! | |
(Here it might happen, like us not,) | |
You'll make your mind up on the spot. | |
"Humanity" 's played out for _you!_ | |
You've got some active work to do; | |
No doubt you'll see it well put through. | |
Until you've settled that small bill, | |
(As honorable debtors will,) | |
We fancy you will not keep still. | |
You will admit the tender plea | |
Of "broken faith;" but when you see | |
Your Red Skin, you won't let him be! | |
Just so with us. We don't go back | |
Of _our_ affair! We were not slack | |
In justice to this Devil's pack! | |
They settle with the wrong concern; | |
And as they never, _never'll_ learn, | |
We shoot 'em, and don't care a _dern!_ | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: EDITORIAL WASHING-DAY IN NEW-YORK.] | |
EDITORIAL WASHING-DAY. | |
Observe PUNCHINELLO'S Cartoon, in which you shall behold the editorial | |
laundresses of New-York city having a washy time of it all around. There | |
is a, shriek of objurgation in the air, and a flutter of soiled linen on | |
the breeze. Granny MARBLE, to the extreme left of the picture, clenches | |
her fists over the pungent suds, and looks fight at Granny JONES, of the | |
_Times_. The beaming phiz of Granny GREELEY looms up between the two, | |
like the sun in a fog. But the real _Sun_ in a fog is to be seen to the | |
extreme right. There you behold Granny DANA, shaking her "brawny bunch | |
of fives" in the face of Granny YOUNG, whose manner of wringing out the | |
linen, you will observe, is up to the highest _Standard_ of that branch | |
of art. Further away, Granny TILTON flutters her linen with spiteful | |
flourish, nettled by the vituperation of Granny HASTINGS, who hangs up | |
her _Commercial_ clothes on the line. The _tableau_ is an instructive | |
one; and it is to be hoped that all the U-Lye soaps used by the | |
washerwomen is used up by this time, and that they will replace it with | |
some having a sweeter perfume. | |
* * * * * | |
BOOK NOTICES. | |
MRS. JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. New-York: Charles Scribner & Company. | |
A very cleverly-written narrative, in smooth verse, detailing the | |
experience of a bride who took to flirting early in her matrimonial | |
career, but was saved from coming to grief by the decisive action of a | |
stern husband. The book contains a capital lesson for the Girl of the | |
Period, whose follies are satirized in it with a sharp pen. | |
* * * * * | |
NOTICE. | |
The attention of the Public is requested to PUNCHINELLO No. 10, which | |
will be issued upon Thursday, May 26th. It will be a very brilliant | |
number, illustrated with flights of fancy by ten comic artists. | |
In PUNCHINELLO No. 11 will be commenced a new burlesque serial, "The | |
Mystery of Mister E. Drood," written expressly for this paper by the | |
celebrated humorist, ORPHEUS C. KERR. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: MAKING A HASH OF IT. _Customer_. "I THOUGHT YOU HAD | |
A GOOD PLACE WITH MR. ASHE; WHY ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE?" | |
_Cockney Waiter_. "FACT IS, SIR, HASHE IS IN THE 'ABIT OF MAKING USE OF | |
HODIOUS LANGUAGE TO HIS WAITERS, SIR, AND NO MAN OF HEDUCATION COULD | |
STAND _THAT_, SIR, YOU KNOW, SIR."] | |
* * * * * | |
JUMBLES. | |
MR. PUNCHINELLO, do you know when a woman is perfection itself? "No." I | |
do. It is when she is from sixteen to nineteen. Of course you take her | |
judgment. At sixteen she is the coming flower that has come--the first | |
Rose of Summer, and about the best that may be looked for. Her ideas may | |
not be solid, but they are expansive. Her mind may not make a very great | |
show, but her hair (real and otherwise) is sure to. She is very deep in | |
love--with herself. The supremest divinity is seen when she looks in the | |
mirror. Call her ARABELLA if you like. ARABELLA is mistress of that | |
portion of the dictionary which includes the common-place compliments of | |
society. In her mouth they have a common place, indeed. Some people call | |
such utterances "stuff," "nonsense," "puerilities," but nobody is so | |
prejudiced and unreliable as the above-named some people. They | |
complacently think they know a thing or two, but that is all it amounts | |
to. ARABELLA hasn't any doubt about her being perfection. Unfortunately | |
there is a question about some matters in this world in politics, | |
religion, morality and other kindred things, but on the doctrine of | |
perfection, as applied to her individual self, ARABELLA is clear and | |
settled. Did any body, she says _sotto voce_, to herself, ever put | |
vision on such an ensemble countenance? Were eyes ever more sparkling? | |
Were ever dimples dimpler? Had ever peach such artistic hue, and teeth | |
such pearly pearliness, and lips such positive sweetness, and brow such | |
loveliness? We suppose not. ARABELLA is eighteen, is of elastic notions, | |
sees life as a romance, believes the ground on which she walks ought to | |
be grateful for the honor, and wonders if every body who goes out don't | |
go straightway to talking rapturously about her. ARABELLA is a type--the | |
type of a class of perfectionists. ARABELLA is neither a worm nor a | |
butterfly, but the bridge between. For all this ARABELLA believes | |
herself to be the best of butterflies, with the capacity to fly in the | |
highest manner. At twenty-five her wings will be clipped, her colors | |
will modify, her notions renovate, and her eyes open. She will perceive | |
that the doctrine of perfection is mythical, and angels upon earth only | |
so in name. | |
Going to church is a good thing. All good people go, and from good | |
motives, of course. Mrs. BROWN, says a wicked gossip, goes to show a | |
bonnet; Mrs. JONES her shawl; Mrs. SMITH her silk; Mrs. JENKINS her | |
gloves and fan. No sane person believes that these ladies go for any | |
such purpose. The case isn't presumable. They are nice, high-toned | |
people, sit in $800 pews, adore Rev. Dr. CANTWELL, and give very freely | |
(of their husband's money) to the heathen in the uttermost corners of | |
the earth. They prefer, good souls, to give to the heathen under the | |
equator to those under their noses. It is _not_ true that ladies go to | |
church for the display of dress. It _is_ true Mrs. JONES does not wish | |
to be outdone by Mrs. JENKINS, and isn't if STEWART can help it, but she | |
is a good pious woman of simple tastes, though Mr. J. thinks she tastes | |
rather often. Going to church is a good thing for example's sake. It is | |
so nice and strengthening to reflect that, as the minister preaches | |
piety, and you practice poetry, (with a pencil in the prayer-book,) you | |
set an example to the rising generation. One can never do too much for | |
the rising generation, though it often rises too frequently and too | |
high. Besides, it encourages the minister. Only think of talking to | |
emptiness instead of fulness--to people instead of plush. How can the | |
dear Rev. SPLURGE SPLUTTER have the heart or tongue to drop his pearls | |
of eloquence to the swine of empty pews? And how dreadful for the gifted | |
soprano, Miss SCREECH, to tune her melodious voice to earless aisles! | |
And then it is so easy to "set" examples by sitting in soft pews, doing | |
to church should be a matter of conscience. Every body not a dolt admits | |
conscience to be a good thing, though a thing every body cannot boast of | |
possessing. I like people of conscience--that is, I should like them if | |
I knew any. It is such a nice thing to talk about--and how much nicer | |
to have. Mrs. TODD often wishes "to conscience" she could reach mine. I | |
am sorry to say that at times Mrs. T. is an irreverent woman. She | |
doesn't perceive that some where under that hairless, proud dome of mine | |
there must be a conscience--I may proudly say, an imposing conscience. I | |
said to Mrs. T. one day, "I _have_ an imposing conscience," and she | |
really thought so--adding the cruel expression that she didn't know of | |
any thing about me but _was_ imposing, and that she first became aware | |
of the sad fact when she married me. | |
TIMOTHY TODD. | |
* * * * * | |
THE REIGN OF COUPS. | |
The situation of France is always striking. This is because its people | |
are always being struck with a succession of Napoleonic ideas. They | |
labor, for example, under a constant _coup d'etat_. Their Press is the | |
victim of a regular _coup de main_; their Strikes are daily evidences of | |
_coups de mains_; their Legislature suffers continually from _coup de | |
theatre_; and their Emperor is perpetually threatened with a _coup de | |
grace_. The energies of Frenchmen are not imprisoned; no, they are only | |
_couped_. | |
* * * * * | |
ELEVATED STATESMANSHIP--INSOBRIETY THE BEST POLICY. | |
Sir JOHN MACDONALD, the Premier of Canada, though an eccentric leader, | |
is a happy illustration of the most elevated statecraft. "He has been | |
drunk," says the Toronto _Globe_, "for several days, and incapacitated | |
for public affairs." Considering what Canadian affairs are (including | |
Sir JOHN,) this does not follow. Evidently it is not his policy to keep | |
sober. But Sir JOHN is often drunk, says the _Globe_; he was tight | |
before Prince ARTHUR, and he rushes to the bottle whenever the Fenians | |
give alarm. Now this strikes us as very good policy. It helps us to see | |
how convenient it was for Sir JOHN to magnify a few O'BRIENS and | |
O'SHAUGHNESSYS into an army with green banners, and how opportunely the | |
Dominion became intoxicated with its fears. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: A POWERFUL PROTECTOR. | |
_Mother_. "WHY, ROSIE, HOW LATE YOU ARE TO-DAY!" | |
_Rosie_. "YES, MA, BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT. THERE WAS A POOR LITTLE GIRL | |
AT SCHOOL WHO HAD NO ONE TO TAKE CARE OF HER, AND SO I HAD TO SEE HER | |
HOME."] | |
* * * * * | |
COMIC ZOOLOGY. | |
Order-Reptilia. | |
THE VIPER. | |
The supposition that this snake prefers a file to any other species of | |
nourishment is a vulgar error, and belongs to the same mendacious | |
category as the stories that ostriches are fond of ten-penny nails and | |
soldiers of hard tack. It is true that old files are sometimes bitten by | |
vipers in localities where these serpents abound, but in the lizard and | |
hop-toad they usually find metal more attractive. The viper, when in a | |
state of repose, is of an olive-brown color; but, if trodden upon, turns | |
rusty. He is about twenty-four inches in length, as you may see by | |
applying a two-foot rule to him, but it is a good rule to keep two feet | |
away from him. As a bosom friend he is not to be trusted--a fact in | |
natural history that was discovered many years ago by a green | |
countryman, who got into a bad box by placing a viper on his chest. It | |
is a peculiarity of this serpent, that when held suspended by his | |
posterior extremity he can not raise his head to a level with his tail. | |
In consequence of this provision in the economy of nature, he finds it | |
as impossible to make both ends meet as if he were a human prodigal. In | |
this respect he presents a marked contrast to the hoop-snake, which has | |
no more back-bone than a timid politician, and can put its tail in its | |
mouth, and roll in any direction with the utmost facility. The viper was | |
at one time supposed to have an envenomed tongue, and although this | |
error has been exploded, it is as well to avoid his jaw if possible, as, | |
when irritated, he is very snappish. | |
This snake, according to some naturalists, is oviparous, and according | |
to others viviparous; but all authorities agree that it is viperous in | |
the extreme. Serpents are generated in various ways; the horse-runner, | |
for instance, being derived from the fibres of horses' manes and tails, | |
which probably receive the breath of life in a mare's nest. That such is | |
the origin of the horse-runner the reader can verify for himself, by | |
putting a few horse hairs in a basin of water and watching them till | |
they begin to squirm. Possibly the shorter fibres from the _caput_ of an | |
African might in like manner produce vipers. The experiment is worth | |
trying. There are several varieties of the species in this country; the | |
most malignant and treacherous being the Political Vipers--snakes in | |
the grass--bred from the spawn of the Original Cockatrices, and a curse | |
to the land we live in. | |
* * * * * | |
WOMAN IN THE CENSUS. | |
A fresh blow has been struck at Woman's Rights! Gallant ladies, eager to | |
cope with figures, have been compelled to yield to numbers--inferior | |
numbers at that! Man, the minority, remains the popular tyrant of | |
population. Women, the majority, don't count, can't count for any | |
thing--even for women--at least in the sense of being Census-takers; for | |
General WALKER has decided that Assistant Marshals LAVINIA PURLEAR and | |
SARAH BURGOYNE (hear it, shades of NEY and BLUCHER!) are ineligible to | |
such a warlike title. General WALKER is not firm in his mind that | |
Marshals PURLEAR and BURGOYNE [would it be as well to say Marshal WALKER | |
and Generals PURLEAR and BURGOYNE?] are feminine. "These appear to be | |
the names of women," he says. Why might they not be the names of men? Is | |
there no right or reason in these days of domestic revolution for men to | |
name themselves LAVINIA and SARAH if they like it, and their wives like | |
it? And suppose LAVINIA and SARAH that ought to be, or might have been, | |
choose to call themselves MAHALALEEL and METHUSALEM--who's to prevent? | |
Why should not the Rev. Mr.---- style himself Miss NANCY if he pleases? | |
Why should not the Hon. Mr.---- rechristen himself BETTY if he has a | |
mind to? H'm! A pretty pass we are coming to if these women folks who | |
ask men's rights and take men's names won't lend us theirs! And alas, | |
alas, ye lasses! What if some-day ye do indeed abstract our census, and | |
marshal us into helpless minority. What if we have to disguise | |
ourselves, and shave our beards, and change our names even to get on the | |
police! Or will ye--ye bullying Syrens!--grow whiskers and wear | |
pantaloons, and put us in station-houses, and clear us out of the Census | |
altogether? | |
* * * * * | |
A LETTER FROM A FRIEND. | |
Friend PUNCHINELLO: Thee has doubtless sorrowed, in spite of thy motley, | |
with those bereft at Richmond. Circumstances made that disaster a | |
calamity which we have all felt in common. But thee knows that | |
"Blessings come often in disguise." Let us find what small comfort we | |
can in this thought. | |
Circumstances, however, alter cases. How different the feeling--how thin | |
the disguise would have been--had our Capitol fallen, at Harrisburg! | |
Before another Session we trust the proper spirit will move some | |
underpinning there, for the greater good of the Commonwealth. It was | |
formerly said that "Law is law;" but not even a Philadelphia lawyer now | |
knows what law is or what law is not--for "any thing" is law here | |
abouts. Of one result we may boast, if that be not sinful, we are ahead | |
of thy wicked city.. Thee had thy delinquent Tax Collector, _but thee | |
has him not_. We sorrowed, for we had him not, but now we rejoice in one | |
whose name is--not BAILEY--but HILL. We did not want him, but got him | |
involuntarily, as thee might get the small-pox. | |
Doubtless he will make it more up-Hill work than ever with our taxes, | |
but, if he would only shoulder them and be off, what a blessing? For, | |
verily, it cannot be said, as of old, that a man "heapeth up riches, and | |
knoweth not who shall gather them." | |
But, perhaps, thee pays taxes also? If so, thee can affirm to the | |
gatherer, as well as thy friend, | |
PHINEAS BRODBRIMME. | |
_Philadelphia, 5th month, 9th day, 1870._ | |
* * * * * | |
OLD IRON. | |
Somebody talks of the Iron Men of Congress. Does he mean the Cast-iron | |
members or the Pig-iron members? For instance there are the rusty | |
Heavy-weights, and then there are the fellows who are greedy about | |
Tariff. Members of the scrap-iron and ten-penny nail order are, of | |
course, not alluded to. All these are iron men, but, as every body | |
knows, are not men of Iron. In view of its rusty legislation and | |
legislators, we recommend Congress to hang out a sign--"Highest prices | |
paid here for old iron." | |
* * * * * | |
Bar That! | |
The Toronto _Globe_ is at present treating the Premier of the Dominion | |
to a course of lectures, advising him not to get drunk so often as he | |
does. Now this is too much to expect, since the gentleman referred to | |
has, by virtue of his official position, the run of the Bar. | |
* * * * * | |
CONDENSED CONGRESS. | |
SENATE. | |
MR. MORRILL expressed his views upon what he is pleased, for MORRILL is | |
mirthful in his heavy way, to designate the reduction of taxes. He said | |
that we had been for some time in a state of peace, and our expenses | |
were not so large as they had been. Therefore he thought we might leave | |
direct taxation alone. To be sure he was not prepared to suggest any | |
specific reductions in direct taxation. But, doubtless, they would be | |
made some day or other. In the meantime let us pile on the tariff. This | |
was his notion of reducing taxation. Let the importers and the consumers | |
who don't like it-- | |
Learn how sublime a thing it is | |
To suffer and be strong. | |
Then the Senate betook itself to considering an appropriation for | |
educating the colored infant. Mr. WILSON strongly approved it, not only | |
on account of the colored infant, for whose education he did not in a | |
general way feel any particular solicitude, inasmuch as the less | |
educated he was, the likelier he would be to give his voice and vote to | |
him, (Mr. WILSON,) and his like; but also because the appropriation | |
would provide for a number of the supernumerary female school-teachers | |
of Massachusetts, who had become a great trial to him, and particularly | |
to his colleague, Mr. SUMNER. | |
Mr. SUMNER said "that's school," and explained that he believed he was | |
venerated by the women of Massachusetts, but that their reverence for | |
him was too great to allow them to approach him with importunities. | |
Nevertheless, he was in favor of the bill, as tending to break down the | |
accursed spirit of caste, and to disseminate throughout the South the | |
three or more R's which he had so often had the honor of reverberating | |
throughout the Senate. | |
Mr. YATES approved of the bill. It was his general principle to vote for | |
any thing that looked to the disbursement of money. He was particularly | |
in favor of this measure, because he wanted an uniform education for | |
every body. He didn't want any body else to know more than himself, and | |
he didn't want to know more than any body else. (Voices--You don't.) | |
Take spelling. There was only one correct method of spelling--the one | |
that he pursued. And yet he had never found any other person who agreed | |
with him in it. Evidently, this was not right. He demanded that the | |
children of the country should be taught to spell on proper principles, | |
so that his works might be intelligible to posterity, as they were not | |
to his contemporaries. | |
Of course Mr. SUMNER seized the occasion to quote crowds of authorities | |
on education, which debilitated the Senate to a dissolution. | |
HOUSE. | |
Mr. LYNCH wanted to revive American commerce in behalf of the | |
ship-builders of Maine. If he were a judge, as a celebrated namesake of | |
his once was, he would do it by hanging a majority of members of the | |
House he had the honor of addressing. In default of that he wanted them | |
to legislate sensibly upon it. | |
Of course nobody paid any attention to the suggestion. The House did | |
itself credit by refusing one land-grab, out of a thousand or so | |
submitted. | |
Mr. BUTLER actually produced again his bill to annex San Domingo, and | |
refused to be comforted, because every body laughed. | |
Then came up the Tariff. COVODE said he supposed it would be admitted | |
that he had as little regard for the right and wrong of the thing as any | |
body. But this thing had really gone so far that any man with any regard | |
for his re-election must protest. Nobody but SCHENCK and KELLEY cared | |
about the tariff. Every body cared about the taxes. | |
SCHENCK could not regard COVODE with any other sentiment than disgust. | |
He wanted a duty upon foreign oysters. The oyster of Long Island and the | |
oyster of New-Jersey ought not to be trodden down by the pauper oysters | |
of Europe. | |
* * * * * | |
OUR PORTFOLIO. | |
Personal advertisements having reference to the matrimonial exigencies | |
of divers widows, old maids, and bachelors, are not without their | |
influence upon the sympathies of the age. Particular attention has been | |
recently directed toward an announcement made in a Cleveland paper to | |
the effect that "Two widow ladies, strangers in Cleveland, wish to form | |
the acquaintance of a limited number of gentlemen with a view to happy | |
results. Please address in confidence,--." | |
One involuntarily regrets that a prospect thus bounded by an horizon of | |
"happy results" should have been confined to a "limited number of | |
gentlemen". | |
There is nothing so calculated to impair the usefulness of what purports | |
to be a purely benevolent enterprise, as its selfishness. If a widow, or | |
any number of widows, really possess the means of realizing "happy | |
results" with a "limited number of gentlemen," they should either remove | |
the limitation themselves, or make known the secret to those who would | |
be less sparing of the joys which it is capable of communicating. A | |
quack who peddles a valuable remedy upon which he may have stumbled, and | |
yet refuses to disclose its ingredients for the benefit of the whole | |
medical fraternity, violates the _esprit du corps_ of the profession, | |
and is by general consent deemed a fit person to be kicked out of it. | |
Therefore, if any widows or single ladies in Cleveland have knowledge of | |
any "happy results" which they advertise to share with a limited number | |
of gentlemen, we shall deem them unworthy of their sex, unless they | |
explain the process by which these results are attained, for the benefit | |
of those who are fast verging toward the autumnal stage of maidenhood. | |
* * * * * | |
It may well be doubted whether the thought ever occurred to ADAM that | |
one day or other a hen would be charged with the care and custody of a | |
brood of goslings. The pastimes of Eden were perhaps not favorable to | |
vaticinations in the line of Natural History, but in the progress of the | |
world since those most primitive times, men have come to contemplate the | |
spectacle of that familiar barn-yard fowl made wretched by the aquatic | |
propensities of her supposed offspring, without a particle of | |
astonishment. The wicked and unfeeling even go so far as to seek | |
amusement in her misery. Her "ducklings" and other symptoms of maternal | |
agony at beholding the feathered darlings tempting the dangers of a | |
neighboring duck-pond, do not move their stony breasts. On the contrary, | |
they decidedly relish that sort of thing, and greet with positive | |
hilarity the efforts of some sympathizing rooster to cheer her. Fie, | |
upon such natures! If they must have an outlet for their ribaldry, let | |
them take PUNCHINELLO'S advice and select such instances as that | |
recently furnished in Sacramento, where a hen took charge of a nest of | |
kittens, and resolutely maintained it against the parent cat. Here the | |
case was different. The hen had become a trespasser. She had no business | |
with kittens. There was no hypothesis by which she could claim them as | |
her own. Kittens are not hereditary in the family of fowls, and she knew | |
it. It was an usurpation without any pretext of justification. What | |
would become of us if such a precedent could be extended to the genus | |
_Mammalia?_ Hundreds of rapacious old maids would be seizing all sorts | |
and all sizes of babies from agonized mothers, and asserting for | |
themselves the hallowed duties of maternity. Our infant days would have | |
been days of ceaseless motion. We should have been shuttle-cocked from | |
maiden to mother and from mother to maiden after a fashion calculated to | |
defeat the wise purposes of ipecac and paregoric, and to frighten our | |
natural curls into a state of painful perpendicularity. The mere | |
presentment of such a possibility, carries its refutation, and puts the | |
aggressions of this Sacramento hen in the category of outrages which all | |
society is banded to suppress. If you must laugh, O generation of | |
scoffers, make your jokes and gibes the instrument of protecting the | |
altars of all such feline households as may be thus assailed. | |
* * * * * | |
Flag and Rag. | |
What is the difference between a railroad danger signal and a lost | |
pocket-handkerchief? | |
The one is a red flag, the other is a fled rag. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: SOCIAL SCIENCE. | |
_Lecturer._ "THERE IS A CUMULATIVE APPROXIMATIVENESS, SO TO SPEAK, A | |
PERIOD WHEN THE RECALCITRANT CORPUSCLES BEGIN TO "------- | |
_Stenographer._ "CON-FOUND THE FELLOW! I KNEW HE'D BREAK MY PENCIL WITH | |
HIS INFERNAL JAW-SMASHERS!"] | |
* * * * * | |
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE. | |
[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.] | |
ROME. | |
Being uneasy about our agent's course at the Vatican, I have come over | |
to Rome to see about it. He is an Irishman, with a little of Father TOM | |
in him, and has got into a "controversy" with his Holiness about | |
infallibility. Our African bishop (otherwise PHELIM BURKE) insists that | |
PUNCHINELLO is infallible! The Pope says this is ridiculous! Father | |
PHELIM replies that "there are two that can play that same game." I | |
found them in the midst of this when ANTONELLI ushered me into the Papal | |
presence. PIUS was up on his feet, talking Latin like a crack student of | |
the Propaganda. PHELIM had his sleeves rolled up. ANTONELLI, with a | |
"_Pax vobiscum_" got the two contending powers quieted down; and, after | |
a proper salutation from me, we began our talk. His Holiness is not much | |
on English. Says he, "I speak vat-I-can English." Had he said _non | |
possumus_ to it, it would have been better. However, PHELIM translated | |
him; so we got on. | |
"Your Holiness enjoys, I hope, a good constitution?" | |
"The _constitutio de fide_ is, indeed, very good. Catholics must every | |
where subscribe to it." | |
"Dr. DOLLINGER, I trust, don't disturb your appetite?" "_Anathema | |
maranatha!_" which means (said PHELIM,) "Oh no, I never mention him." | |
Whereupon PHELIM, who had breakfasted on gin-and-milk, began to hum that | |
tune. I at once trod upon his toe, and he stopped. | |
"On the whole, what does your Holiness think of the prospect?" | |
"From this window, it is very fine. But I'm getting a little | |
dim-sighted. | |
"Don't you see that crowd of people coming up?" | |
"No I don't--it's only a herd of cattle from the Campagna." | |
"Take my glass. There, now; don't you see, I am right?" | |
"Yes," and the old man crossed himself, "It is so; I was mistaken." | |
"Thrue for you!" gobbled out PHELIM; "we've got to make a note of that! | |
PUNCHINELLO never made the likes of a mistake!" | |
"But, _what's in your glass?_ I see strange men there. GARIBALDI, and | |
MAZZINI, and HYACINTHE, STROSSMEYER, DOLLINGER, DUPANLOUP, and CUMMING, | |
all together! I see a troop of schoolmasters; a larger one of | |
newspaper-venders; and a whole army of _colporteurs_, each with a bag of | |
Bibles on his back! And, what do I see? They enter ST. PETER'S; they | |
leave the door wide open. Did I hear it? They are singing LUTHER'S | |
Hymn!" | |
The old man fell now into his seat, and I took the glass from him. "Only | |
one of his attacks," said ANTONELLI. "He is not quite so strong as he | |
was." "Thrue again," said PHELIM. With that sense of propriety for which | |
your representative has over been distinguished, I took PHELIM by the | |
arm and retired. | |
Poor Pius! He means well, and if we only had him for a while out West, | |
where I came from, we might make something sensible out of him yet. But, | |
when a man will live so far away from the Rocky Mountains as away over | |
here, what can be expected? We can't civilize the whole world at once. | |
Father PHELIM, by the way, is to be proposed as the new King of Spain. | |
His father's uncle's second cousin by the mother's side partook of a | |
good deal of BOURBON. That's reason enough, you know especially as they | |
only want a King LOG. | |
FRANCE. | |
Those infernal machines, so called, with--which the Emperor was supposed | |
to be about to be blown up, turn out to have been pewter plates. Out of | |
one of them the bottom had been cut, and the edges rolled up; and this | |
gave rise to a terrible suspicion. Two thousand people have been | |
arrested in consequence. | |
That _Press Ass_ has been at his blunders again. He telegraphed to me | |
that a conspiracy was afloat to enact a kind of petticoat government. He | |
meant to tell me some gossip about Madame PATTI-CAUX. Then he wanted me | |
to believe that the "smaller catechism" talked about at Rome was the | |
catechizing of SMALLEY of the Tribune, concerning GUSTAVE FLOURENS. That | |
man never will learn. PRIME. | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
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| etc., etc. | | |
| | | |
| AND THEY HAVE OPENED THEIR LAST PARCEL | | |
| | | |
| OF | | |
| | | |
| ENGLISH BODY BRUSSELS, | | |
| AT $2 PER YARD, | | |
| | | |
| ROYAL WILTONS, | | |
| $2.50 AND $3 PER YARD, | | |
| | | |
| AXMINSTERS, | | |
| $2.50 AND $4 PER YARD. | | |
| | | |
| To which they particularly request the attention of their | | |
| customers and the public. | | |
| | | |
| HOUSEKEEPING GOODS IN EVERY VARIETY, | | |
| AT VERY POPULAR PRICES. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A.T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| HAVE REPLENISHED ALL THEIR POPULAR | | |
| STOCK OF DRESS GOODS, AT 25c. PER YARD AND | | |
| UPWARD. | | |
| | | |
| THE BEST IN QUALITY AND LOWEST IN | | |
| PRICE YET OFFERED. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| SPECIAL | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PREMIUMS. | | |
| | | |
| By special arrangement with | | |
| | | |
| L. PRANG & CO., | | |
| | | |
| we offer the following Elegant Premiums for new Subscribers | | |
| to PUNCHINELLO: | | |
| | | |
| "Awakening." (A Litter of Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, | | |
| 8-3/8 by 11-1/8, price $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for | | |
| one year, for $4.00. | | |
| | | |
| "Wild Roses." Chromo, 12-1/8 by 9, price $3.00, or any | | |
| other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the paper for one year for | | |
| $5.00. | | |
| | | |
| "The Baby in Trouble." Chromo, 13 by 16-1/4, price | | |
| $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at $3.00, | | |
| and a copy of the paper for one year, for $6.00. | | |
| | | |
| "Sunset,--California Scenery," after A. Bierstadt, | | |
| 18-1/8 by 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and | | |
| a copy of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four | | |
| Chromes, and four copies of the paper for one year in one | | |
| order, for clubs of FOUR, for $23.00. | | |
| | | |
| We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG & CO.'S | | |
| Chromos, from which a selection can be made, if the above is | | |
| not satisfactory, and are prepared to make special terms for | | |
| clubs to any amount, and to agents. | | |
| | | |
| Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | | |
| twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter in advance; | | |
| the CHROMOS will be _mailed free_ on receipt of money. | | |
| | | |
| Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | | |
| Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | | |
| sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | | |
| otherwise ordered. | | |
| | | |
| Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will be | | |
| offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a | | |
| postage-stamp we will send a copy of No. 1 to any one | | |
| desiring to get up a club. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Address | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New-York. | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
[Illustration: "GREAT BARE-BACK PERFORMANCE BY THE STAR EQUESTRIENNE." | |
_Rural Old Lady_. "BARE-BACK, INDEED!--THAT'S NO WORD FOR IT, MY DEAR!"] | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| "The Printing House of the United States." | | |
| | | |
| GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | | |
| | | |
| General JOB PRINTERS, | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| BLANK DOOR Manufactuars, | | |
| STATIONERS Wholesale and Retail, | | |
| LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | | |
| CARD Manufactuars, | | |
| ENVELOPE Manufactuars, | | |
| FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | | |
| 73, 75, 77 and 79 PINE ST., New-York. | | |
| | | |
| ADVANTAGES: All on the same premises, and under immediate | | |
| supervision of the proprietors. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | | |
| 33 BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| NEW-YORK. | | |
| | | |
| Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | | |
| | | |
| Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten | | |
| Thousand Dollars, will be received. | | |
| | | |
| Six Per Cent Interest, | | |
| Free of Government Tax. | | |
| | | |
| INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | | |
| | | |
| Commences on the first of every month. | | |
| | | |
| HENRY SMITH, _President_. | | |
| | | |
| REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | | |
| | | |
| WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_ | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER. | | |
| | | |
| A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHES A GREAT REMEDY FOR INDIGESTION | | |
| AND DYSPEPSIA.--Keeps the blood cool and regulates the | | |
| stomach. Persons subject to headache can insure themselves | | |
| freedom from this malady by drinking it liberally in the | | |
| morning before breakfast. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | | |
| to oil paintings. Sold in all Art Stores throughout the | | |
| world. | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS: "Four Seasons" by J.M. Hart. | | |
| Illustrated Catalogues sent free on receipt of stamp by L. | | |
| PRANG & CO., Boston. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PROSPECTUS OF | | |
| | | |
| POMEROY'S DEMOCRAT. | | |
| | | |
| FOR 1870 | | |
| | | |
| UNPARALLELED INDUCEMENTS FOR SUBSCRIBERS | | |
| | | |
| POMEROY'S DEMOCRAT for 1870 will be the best newspaper ever | | |
| printed. It has now a larger circulation than ever | | |
| before--the largest circulation of any political paper ever | | |
| printed, and is now so firmly established it can not by any | | |
| possible means fail. | | |
| | | |
| Mr. Pomeroy, Editor and Proprietor, will devote his entire | | |
| time and attention to editorial and literary labor for THE | | |
| DEMOCRAT alone, each week adding to the power, interest, | | |
| worth, and variety of the reading matter it will contain. | | |
| With the people to back him--abundant means of his own at | | |
| his disposal, he is devoting his life to this paper, the | | |
| people who support it, the cause it advocates, and the | | |
| principles it defends, without fear, favor, or hope for | | |
| reward. | | |
| | | |
| Read the terms and inducements! | | |
| | | |
| In addition to its political worth, THE DEMOCRAT will each | | |
| week contain: | | |
| | | |
| Pomeroy's Saturday Night Chapters. Letters of | | |
| Correspondence. Editorials on different topics. Pomeroy's | | |
| Social Chat with Friends. Terrance McGrant's Letters. Full | | |
| Market Produce, and Money Reports. A Splendid Masonic | | |
| Department. Happenings Here and There. Brief Items of | | |
| Satire, News, Sarcasm, and Burlesque. Discriptive Letters of | | |
| Travels. Occasional "Pomeroy Pictures of New York Life." A | | |
| First-Class Agricultural Department. | | |
| | | |
| In short, everything to make it the best and most readable | | |
| paper in the United States. | | |
| | | |
| Politically it will be Democratic--red-hot and reliable | | |
| earnest and continuous in its war against the bonded | | |
| interest of the country, and determined in its labors for | | |
| that earnest Democracy, which believes in the _restoration_ | | |
| and not the _reconstruction_ of the Government. | | |
| | | |
| Thankful to those who, in every State of the Union, and | | |
| almost every county of the United States, have so generously | | |
| sustained THE DEMOCRAT before its removal to New-York, and | | |
| since, we offer the following premiums--as an evidence of | | |
| gratitude to those who forward from time to time | | |
| subscribers: | | |
| | | |
| SINGLE COPIES, per year ... $2.50 | | |
| | | |
| TEN COPIES. one year to one post-office (we writing the | | |
| names of subscribers on each paper), and one copy for the | | |
| year to the one who sends us the club ... $20.00 | | |
| | | |
| TWENTY COPIES. one year to one post-office (we writing the | | |
| names of subscribers on each paper), with an extra copy for | | |
| the year, and a copy of each of Pomeroy's two books, | | |
| "Sense," and "Nonsense," to the getter-up of the club ... | | |
| $40.00 | | |
| | | |
| THIRTY COPIES. one year to one post-office (we writing the | | |
| names of subscribers on each paper), with two extra copies | | |
| for the year, and a copy of each of Pomeroy's two books, | | |
| "Sense," and "Nonsense," and "Saturday Night," just | | |
| published to the getter-up of the club ... $60.00 | | |
| | | |
| WILCOX AND GIBBS SEWING MACHINES AS PREMIUMS | | |
| | | |
| For fifty-six subscribers, with $112, a $56 machine. | | |
| | | |
| For sixty subscribers, with $120, a $60 machine. | | |
| | | |
| For sixty-five subscribers, with $130, a $65 machine. | | |
| | | |
| For one-hundred subscribers, with $200, a $100 machine. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| IMPORTANT NOTICE | | |
| | | |
| If you can not conveniently raise subscribers enough to | | |
| entitle you to a machine, as a premium, send what you can, | | |
| with two dollars for each subscriber so sent, and the | | |
| balance in cash for such priced machine as you so desire, | | |
| when the paper and the machine will be sent as directed. | | |
| | | |
| For example, where thirty subscribers and $60 are sent, it | | |
| will require $26 in cash in addition to the subscription | | |
| money to purchase a $56 machine; or, for forty subscribers | | |
| and $80, sixteen dollars additional will be required to | | |
| purchase the same priced machine, and son in proportion. | | |
| | | |
| We offer these unrivalled machines, believing them to be the | | |
| simplest, most durable, useful, and desirable sewing | | |
| machines in the world, with a view to giving workingmen, or | | |
| deserving woman a chance to obtain a machine for much less | | |
| money than in any other possible way. | | |
| | | |
| There is hardly a township in the United States, but a | | |
| person can, in a day or two, earn for himself a family | | |
| machine, actually worth the price asked for it--the same as | | |
| sold at, when purchased of Wilcox & Gibbs, the manufactures. | | |
| | | |
| In many cases a few gentlemen might, by sending their names | | |
| to us as subscribers, receive for themselves THE DEMOCRAT | | |
| each week, and a machine for some poor widow or other | | |
| deserving woman, thus giving her the power to care for | | |
| herself and family, and live independant. | | |
| | | |
| Each machine we send out will be _perfect_, and of the very | | |
| best. | | |
| | | |
| Address all letters on business connected with the office to | | |
| C.P. Sykes, Publisher, P.O. Box 5,217, New-York City. | | |
| | | |
| Letters on political matters should be addressed to M.M. | | |
| Pomeroy, and if the writer wishes them to be seen only by | | |
| the person to whom they are address, they should be marked | | |
| private, when, if Mr. Pomeroy is not in the city, they will | | |
| be forwarded to him immediately by mail, express, or special | | |
| messenger. | | |
| | | |
| In ordering papers, be careful to write the names of | | |
| subscribers with the post-office, county, and state very | | |
| plain, that there may be no mistakes in entering names or | | |
| forwarding papers. | | |
| | | |
| Retail price of the paper when sold by newsdealers or | | |
| newsboys, SIX CENTS | | |
| | | |
| Additions can be made to clubs at $2 per year. | | |
| | | |
| _Specimen Copies sent free_ | | |
| | | |
| In forwarding sums of money for clubs of subscribers, drafts | | |
| or money orders should always be used, as, if lost or | | |
| stolen, they can be duplicated, and no financial loss will | | |
| be sustained by the parties interested. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| C.P. SYKES, Publisher, Box 5,217, New-York City. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
S. W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. | |
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 9, May 28, | |
1870, by Various | |
*** |