Datasets:
Tasks:
Text Generation
Sub-tasks:
language-modeling
Languages:
English
Size:
10K<n<100K
ArXiv:
License:
Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, | |
Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| CONANT'S | | |
| | | |
| PATENT BINDERS | | |
| | | |
| FOR | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO," | | |
| | | |
| to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | | |
| receipt of One Dollar, by | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| We will Mail Free | | |
| | | |
| A COVER | | |
| | | |
| Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | | |
| | | |
| FOR BINDING | | |
| | | |
| FIRST VOLUME, | | |
| | | |
| On Receipt of 50 Cents, | | |
| | | |
| OR THE | | |
| | | |
| TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | | |
| | | |
| On application to | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau Street. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | | |
| | | |
| STEEL PENS. | | |
| | | |
| These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | | |
| than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | | |
| called to the following grades, as being better suited for | | |
| business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | | |
| | | |
| "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | | |
| | | |
| we recommend for Bank and Office use. | | |
| | | |
| D. APPLETON & CO., | | |
| | | |
| Sole Agents for United States. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
Vol. II. No. 28. | |
PUNCHINELLO | |
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1870. | |
PUBLISHED BY THE | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | |
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. | |
* * * * * | |
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, | |
By ORPHEUS C. KERR, | |
Continued in this Number. | |
See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Bound Volume No. 1. | | |
| | | |
| The first volume of PUNCHINELLO--the only first-class, | | |
| original, illustrated, humorous and satirical weekly paper | | |
| published in this country--ending with No. 26, September 24, | | |
| 1870, | | |
| | | |
| Bound in Extra Cloth, | | |
| | | |
| will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870. | | |
| | | |
| PRICE $2.50. | | |
| | | |
| Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | | |
| price. | | |
| | | |
| A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | | |
| and the Bound Volume, (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | | |
| any subscriber for $5.50. | | |
| | | |
| Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | | |
| extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | | |
| subscriptions for $16.50. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, | | |
| for ... $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies, mailed free .10 | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | | |
| electrotyped. | | |
| | | |
| Book canvassers will find this volume a | | |
| | | |
| Very Saleable Book. | | |
| | | |
| Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | | |
| | | |
| All remittances should be made in Post Office orders. | | |
| | | |
| Canvassers wanted for the paper everywhere. Send for our | | |
| Special Circular. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Punchinello Publishing Co., | | |
| | | |
| 83 NASSAU ST., N. Y. | | |
| | | |
| P. O. Box No. 2783. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO" | | |
| | | |
| SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | | |
| | | |
| JOHN NICKINSON, | | |
| | | |
| ROOM NO. 4, | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, N. Y. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| TO NEWS-DEALERS. | | |
| | | |
| Punchinello's Monthly. | | |
| | | |
| The Weekly Numbers for September, | | |
| | | |
| Bound in a Handsome Cover, | | |
| | | |
| Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | | |
| | | |
| THE TRADE | | |
| | | |
| Supplied by the | | |
| | | |
| AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | | |
| | | |
| Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| WEVILL & HAMMAR, | | |
| | | |
| Wood Engravers, | | |
| | | |
| 208 BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Bowling Green Savings-Bank | | |
| 33 BROADWAY, | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
| Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M | | |
| | | |
| _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | | |
| to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | | |
| | | |
| Six per Cent Interest, | | |
| Free of Government Tax. | | |
| | | |
| INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | | |
| Commences on the First of every Month. | | |
| | | |
| HENRY SMITH, _President_ | | |
| | | |
| REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_ | | |
| | | |
| WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| J. NICKINSON | | |
| | | |
| begs to announce to the friends of | | |
| | | |
| "PUNCHINELLO," | | |
| | | |
| residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | | |
| made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | | |
| | | |
| ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | | |
| | | |
| the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | | |
| | | |
| Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses, | | |
| can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | | |
| | | |
| OFFICE OF | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| 83 Nassau Street. | | |
| | | |
| [P.O. Box 2783.] | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| FORST & AVERELL, | | |
| | | |
| Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | | |
| | | |
| PRINTERS, | | |
| | | |
| EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS. | | |
| | | |
| Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | | |
| | | |
| 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | | |
| | | |
| [P. O. BOX 2845.] | | |
| | | |
| NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| FOLEY'S | | |
| | | |
| GOLD PENS. | | |
| | | |
| THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | | |
| | | |
| 256 BROADWAY. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| The only Journal of its kind in America!! | | |
| | | |
| The American Chemist: | | |
| | | |
| A MONTHLY JOURNAL | | |
| | | |
| OF | | |
| | | |
| THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY. | | |
| | | |
| DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS. | | |
| | | |
| EDITED BY | | |
| | | |
| Chas. F. Chandler, Ph. D., & W. H. Chandler. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, | | |
| having purchased the subscription list and stock of the | | |
| American reprint of THE CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to | | |
| advance the interests of American Chemical science by the | | |
| publication of a Journal which, shall bu a medium of | | |
| communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, | | |
| and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. | | |
| | | |
| The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | | |
| reception of original articles from any part of the country, | | |
| subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | | |
| points of interest within the scope of the Journal will | | |
| receive prompt attention. | | |
| | | |
| THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | | |
| | | |
| Is a Journal of especial interest to | | |
| | | |
| SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, | | |
| DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | | |
| MANUFACTURERS, | | |
| | | |
| And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | | |
| | | |
| Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per | | |
| number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | | |
| | | |
| Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | | |
| | | |
| Publishers and Proprietors. | | |
| | | |
| 434 Broome Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| GEO. B. BOWLEND, | | |
| | | |
| Draughtsman & Designer | | |
| | | |
| No. 160 Fulton Street, | | |
| | | |
| Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| POMEROY'S DEMOCRAT | | |
| | | |
| Will each week contain Pomeroy's Saturday Night Chapters, | | |
| Pomeroy's Social Chat with Friends, Editorials on different | | |
| Topics, Terence McGrant Letters, a splendid Masonic | | |
| Department; in short, everything that helps to make a | | |
| first-class Family Newspaper, and the best advertising | | |
| medium in the United States. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Single Subscription, $2.50. | | |
| | | |
| For sale by News Dealers everywhere at Six Cents per copy. | | |
| | | |
| Office, 166 Nassau Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
| C. P. SYKES, Publisher. | | |
| | | |
| M. M. POMEROY, Editor and Proprietor. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
* * * * * | |
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of | |
Congress at Washington. | |
* * * * * | |
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | |
AN ADAPTATION. | |
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. | |
CHAPTER XXI. | |
BENTHAM TO THE RESCUE. | |
European travellers in this country--especially if one economical | |
condition of their coming hither has not been the composition of works | |
of imagination on America, sufficiently contemptuous to pay all the | |
expenses of the trip--have, occasionally--and particularly if they have | |
been invited to write for New York magazines, take professorships in | |
native colleges, or lecture on the encouraging Continental progress of | |
scientific atheism before Boston audiences;--such travellers, we say, | |
convinced that they shall lose no money by it, but, on the contrary, | |
rather sanguine of making a little thereby in the long run, have | |
occasionally remarked, that, in the United States, women journeying | |
alone are treated with a chivalric courtesy and deference not so | |
habitually practiced in any other second-class new nation on the face of | |
the earth.[1] | |
What, oh, what can be more true than this? A lady well stricken in | |
years, and of adequate protraction of nose and rectilinear undeviation | |
of figure, can travel alone from Maine to Florida with as perfect | |
immunity from offensive masculine intrusion as though she were guarded | |
by a regiment; while a somewhat younger girl, with curls and an innocent | |
look, can not appear unaccompanied by an escort in an American omnibus, | |
car, ferry-boat, or hotel, without appealing at once to the finest | |
fatherly feelings of every manly middle-aged observer whose wife is not | |
watching him, and exciting as general a desire to make her trip socially | |
delightful as though each gentlemanly eye seeking hers were indeed that | |
of a tender sire. | |
Thus, although Miss POTTS'S lonely stay in her hotel had been so brief, | |
the mysterious American instinct of chivalry had discovered it very | |
early on the first morning after her arrival, and she arose from her | |
delicious sleep to find at least half a dozen written offers of | |
hospitality from generous strangers, sticking under her door. | |
Understanding that she was sojourning without natural protectors in a | |
strange city, the thoughtful writers, who appeared to be chiefly Western | |
men of implied immense fortunes, begged her (by the delicate name of | |
"Fair Unknown") to take comfort in the thought that they were stopping | |
at the same hotel and would protect her from all harm with their lives. | |
In proof of this unselfish disposition on their parts, several of them | |
were respectively ready to take her to a circus-matinee, or to drive in | |
Central Park, on that very day: and her prompt acceptance of these | |
signal evidences of a disinterested friendship for womanhood without a | |
natural protector could not be more simply indicated to those who now | |
freely offered such friendship, than by her dropping her fork _twice_ at | |
the public breakfast table, or sending the waiter back _three_ times | |
with the boiled eggs to have them cooked rightly. | |
FLORA had completed her chemical toilet, put all the bottles, jars, and | |
small round boxes back into her satchel again, and sat down to a second | |
reading of these gratifying intimations that a prepossessing female | |
orphan is not necessarily without assiduous paternal guardianship at her | |
command wherever there are Western fathers, when Mr. DIBBLE appeared, as | |
he had promised, accompanied by Gospeler SIMPSON. | |
"Miss CAROWTHERS was so excited by your sudden flight, Miss POTTS," said | |
the latter, "that she came at once to me and OLDY with your farewell | |
note, and would not stop saying 'Did you ever!' until, to restrain my | |
aggravated mother from fits, I promised to follow you to your guardian's | |
and ascertain what your good-bye note would have meant if it had | |
actually been punctuated." | |
"Our reverend friend reached me about an hour ago," added Mr. DIBBLE, | |
"saying, that a farewell note without a comma, colon, semi-colon, or | |
period in it, and with every other word beginning with a capital, and | |
underscored, was calculated to drive friends to distraction. I took the | |
liberty of reminding him, my dear, that young girls from boarding-school | |
should hardly be expected to have advanced as far as English composition | |
in their French and musical studies; and I also related to him what you | |
had told me of Mr. BUMSTEAD." | |
"And I don't know that, under the circumstances, you could do a better | |
thing than you have done," continued the Gospeler. "Mr. BUMSTEAD, | |
himself, explains your flight upon the supposition that you were | |
possibly engaged with myself, my mother, Mr. DIBBLE, and the PENDRAGONS, | |
in killing poor Mr. DROOD." | |
"Oh, oughtn't he to be ashamed of himself, when he knows that I never | |
did kill any absurd creature!" cried the Flowerpot, in earnest | |
deprecation. "And just think of darling MAGNOLIA, too, with her poor, | |
ridiculous brother! You're a lawyer, Mr. DIBBLE and I should think you | |
could get them a _habeas corpus_, or a divorce, or some other perfectly | |
absurd thing about courts, that would make the judges tell the juries to | |
bring them in Not Guilty." | |
Fixing upon the lovely young reasoner a look expressive of his | |
affectionate wonder at her inspired perception of legal possibilities, | |
the old lawyer said, that the first thing in order was a meeting between | |
herself and Miss PENDRAGON; which, as it could scarcely take place (all | |
things considered,) with propriety in the private room of that lady's | |
brother, nor without publicity in his own office, or in a hotel, he | |
hardly knew how to bring about. | |
And here we have an example of that difference between novels and real | |
life which has been illustrated more than once before in this | |
conscientious American Adaptation of what all our profoundly critical | |
native journals pronounce the "most elaborately artistic work" of the | |
grandest of English novelists. In an equivalent situation of real life, | |
Mr. DIBBLE'S quandary would not have been easily relieved; but, by the | |
magic of artistic fiction, the particular kind of extemporized character | |
absolutely necessary to help him and the novel continuously along was at | |
that moment coming up the stairs of the hotel.[2] | |
At the critical instant, a servant knocked, to say, that there was a | |
gentleman below, "with a face as long me arrum, sir, who axed me was | |
there a man here av the name av SIMPSON, Miss?" | |
"It is JOHN--it is Mr. BUMSTEAD!" shrieked FLORA, hastening | |
involuntarily towards a mirror,--"and just see how my dress is | |
wrinkled!" | |
"My name is BENTHAM--JEREMY BENTHAM," said a deep voice in the doorway; | |
and there entered a gloomy figure, with smoky, light hair, a curiously | |
long countenance, and black worsted gloves. "SIMPSON!--old | |
OCTAVIUS!--did you never, never see me before?" | |
"If I am not greatly mistaken," returned the Gospeler, sternly. "I saw | |
you standing in the bar-room of the hotel, just now, as we came up." | |
"Yes," sighed the stranger, "I was there--waiting for a Western | |
friend--when you passed in. And has sorrow, then, so changed me, that | |
you do not know me? Alas! alack! woe's me!" | |
"BENTHAM, you say?" cried the Ritualistic clergyman, with a start, and | |
sudden change of countenance. "Surely you're not the rollicking | |
fellow-student who saved my life at Yale?" | |
"I am! I am!" sobbed the other, smiting his bosom. "While studying | |
theology, you'd gone to sleep in bed reading the Decameron. I, in the | |
next room, suddenly smelt a smell of wood burning. Breaking into your | |
apartment, I saw your candle fallen upon your pillow and your head on | |
fire. Believing that, if neglected, the flames would spread to some | |
vital part, I seized a water-pitcher and dashed the contents upon you. | |
Up you instantly sprang, with a theological expression on your lips, and | |
engaged me in violent single combat. "Madman!" roared I, "is it thus you | |
treat one who has saved your life?" Falling upon the floor, with a black | |
eye, you at once consented to be reconciled; and, from that hour forth, | |
we were both members of the same secret society." | |
Leaping forward, the Reverend OCTAVIUS wrung both the black worsted | |
gloves of Mr. BENTHAM, and introduced the latter to the old lawyer and | |
his ward. | |
"He did indeed save all but my head from the conflagration, and | |
extinguished that, even, before it was much charred," cried the grateful | |
Ritualist, with marked emotion.--"But, JEREMY, why this aspect of | |
depression?" | |
"OCTAVIUS, old friend," said BENTHAM, his hollow voice quivering, "let | |
no man boast himself upon the gaiety of his youth, and fondly | |
dream--poor self-deceiver!--that his maturity may be one of revelry. You | |
know what I once was. Now I am conducting a first-class American Comic | |
Paper." | |
Commiseration, earnest and unaffected, appeared upon every countenance, | |
and Mr. DIBBLE was the first to break the ensuing deep silence. | |
"If I am not mistaken, then," observed the good lawyer, quietly, "the | |
scene of your daily loss of spirits is in the same building with our | |
young friend, Mr. PENDRAGON, whom you may know." | |
"I do know him, sir; and that his sister has lately come unto him. His | |
room, by means of outside shutters, was once a refuge to me from the | |
Man"--Here Mr. BENTHAM'S face flamed with inconceivable hatred--"who | |
came to tell me just how an American first-class Comic Paper _should_ be | |
conducted." | |
"At what time does your rush of subscribers cease?" | |
"As soon as I begin to charge anything for my paper." | |
"And the newsmen, who take it by the week,--what is their usual time for | |
swarming in your office?" | |
"On the day appointed for the return of unsold copies." | |
"Then I _have_ an idea," said Mr. DIBBLE. "It appears to me, Mr. | |
BENTHAM, that your office, besides being so near Mr. PENDRAGON'S | |
quarters, furnishes all the conditions for a perfectly private | |
confidential interview between this young lady here, and her friend, | |
Miss PENDRAGON. Mr. SIMPSON, if you approve, be kind enough to acquaint | |
Mr. BENTHAM with Miss POTTS'S history, without mentioning names; and | |
explain to him, also, why the ladies' interview should take place in a | |
spot whither that singular young man, Mr. BUMSTEAD, would not be likely | |
to prowl, if in town, in his inspection of umbrellas." | |
The Gospeler hurriedly related the material points of FLORA'S history to | |
his recovered friend, who moaned with all the more cheerful parts, and | |
seemed to think that the serious ones might be worked-up in comic | |
miss-spelling for his paper.--"For there is nothing more humorous in | |
human life," said he, gloomily, "than the defective orthography of a | |
fashionable young girl's education for the solemnity of matrimony." | |
Finally, they all set off for the appointed place of retirement, upon | |
nearing which Mr. DIBBLE volunteered to remain outside as a guard | |
against any possible interruption. The Gospeler led the way up the dark | |
stairs of the building, when they had gained it; and the Flowerpot, | |
following, on JEREMY BENTHAM'S arm, could not help glancing shyly up | |
into the melancholy face of her escort, occasionally. "Do you _never_ | |
smile?" she could not help asking. | |
"Yes," he said, mournfully, "sometimes: when I clean my teeth." | |
No more was said; for they were entering the room of which the tone and | |
atmosphere were those of a receiving-vault. | |
[Footnote 1: Shades of QUINTILIAN and Dr. JOHNSON, what a | |
sentence!] | |
[Footnote 2: Quite | |
independently of any specific design to that end by the Adapter, this | |
Adaptation, carefully following the original English narrative as it | |
does, can not avoid acting as a kind of practical--and, of course, | |
somewhat exaggerative--commentary upon what is strained, forced, or out | |
of the line of average probabilities, in the work Adapted.] | |
CHAPTER XXII. | |
A CONFUSED STATE OF THINGS. | |
The principal office of the Comic Paper was one of those amazingly | |
unsympathetic rooms in which the walls, windows and doors all have a | |
stiff, unsalient aspect of the most hard-finished indifference to every | |
emotion of humanity, and a perfectly rigid insensibility to the | |
pleasures or pains of the tenants within their impassive shelter. In the | |
whole configuration of the heartless, uncharacterized place there was | |
not one gracious inequality to lean against; not a ledge to rest elbow | |
upon; not a panel, not even a stove-pipe hole, to become dearly familiar | |
to the wistful eye; not so much as a genial crack in the plastering, or | |
a companionable rattle in a casement, or a little human obstinacy in a | |
door to base some kind of an acquaintance upon and make one less lonely. | |
Through the grim, untwinkling windows, gaping sullenly the wrong way | |
with iron shutters, came a discouraged light, strained through the | |
narrow intervals of the dusty roofs above, to discover a large | |
coffin- desk surmounted by ghastly busts of HERVEY, KEBLE and | |
BLAIR;[3] a smaller desk, over which hung a picture of the Tomb of | |
WASHINGTON, and at which sat a pallid assistant-editor in deep mourning, | |
opening the comic contributions received by last mail; a still smaller | |
desk, for the nominal writer of subscription-wrappers; files of the | |
_Evangelist_, _Observer_ and _Christian Union_ hanging along the wall; a | |
dead carpet of churchyard-green on the floor; and a print of Mr. PARKE | |
GODWIN just above the mantel of momumental marble. | |
Upon finding themselves in this temple of Momus, and observing that its | |
peculiar arrangement of sunshine made their complexions look as though | |
they had been dead a few days, Gospeler SIMPSON and the Flowerpot | |
involuntarily spoke in whispers behind their hands. | |
"Does that room belong to your establishment, also, BENTHAM?" whispered | |
the Gospeler, pointing rather fearfully, as he spoke, towards a | |
side-door leading apparently into an adjoining' apartment. | |
"Yes," was the low response. | |
"Is there--is there anybody dead in there?" whispered Mr. SIMPSON, | |
tremulously. | |
"No.--Not yet" | |
"Then," whispered the Ritualistic clergyman, "you might step in there, | |
Miss POTTS, and have your interview with Miss PENDRAGON, whom Mr. | |
BENTHAM will, I am sure, cause to be summoned from up-stairs." | |
The assistant-editor of the Comic Paper stealing softly from the office | |
to call the other young lady down, Mr. JEREMY BENTHAM made a sign that | |
FLORA should follow him to the supplementary room indicated; his | |
low-spirited manner being as though he had said: "If you wish to look at | |
the body, miss, I will now show you the way." | |
Leaving the Gospeler lost in dark abstraction near the black mantel, the | |
Flowerpot allowed the sexton of the establishment to conduct her | |
funereally into the place assigned for her interview, and stopped aghast | |
before a huge black object standing therein. | |
"What's this?" she gasped, almost hysterically. | |
"Only a safe," said Mr. BENTHAM, with inexplicable bitterness of tone. | |
"Merely our fire-and-burglar-proof receptacle for the money constantly | |
pouring in from first-class American Comic journalism."--Here Mr. | |
BENTHAM slapped his forehead passionately, checked something like a sob | |
in his throat, and abruptly returned to the main office. | |
Scarcely, however, had he closed the door of communication behind him, | |
when another door, opening from the hall, was noiselessly unlatched, and | |
MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON glided into the arms of her friend. | |
"FLORA!" murmured the Southern girl, "I can scarcely credit my eyes! It | |
seems so long since we last met! You've been getting a new bonnet, I | |
see." | |
"It's like an absurd dream!" responded the Flowerpot, wonderingly | |
caressing her. "I've thought of you and your poor, ridiculous brother | |
twenty times a day. How much you must have gone through here! Are they | |
wearing skirts full, or scant, this season?" | |
"About medium, dear. But how do you happen to be here, in Mr. BENTHAM'S | |
office?" | |
In answer to this question, FLORA related all that bad happened at | |
Bumsteadville and since her flight from thence; concluding by warning | |
MAGNOLIA, that her possession of a black alpaca waist, slightly worn, | |
had subjected her to the ominous suspicion of the Ritualistic organist. | |
"I scorn and defy the suspicions of that enemy of the persecuted South, | |
and high-handed wooer of exclusively Northern women!" exclaimed Miss | |
PENDRAGON, vehemently. "Is this Mr. BENTHAM married?" | |
"I suppose not." | |
"Is he visiting any one?" | |
"I shouldn't think so, dear." | |
"Then," added MAGNOLIA, thoughtfully, "if dear Mr. DIBBLE approves, he | |
might be a friend to MONTGOMERY and myself; and, by being so near us, | |
protect us both from Mr. BUMSTEAD. Just think, dear FLORA, what heaps of | |
sorrow I should endure, if that base man's suspicion about my alpaca | |
waist should be only a pretence, to frighten me into ultimately | |
receiving his addresses." | |
"I don't think there's any danger, love," said Miss POTTS, rather | |
sharply. | |
"Why, FLORA precious?" | |
"Oh, because he's so absurdly fastidious, you know, about regularity of | |
features in women." | |
"More than he is about brains, I should think, dear, from what you tell | |
me of his making love to you." | |
Here both young ladies trembled very much, and said they never, never | |
would have believed it of each other; and were only reconciled when | |
FLORA sobbed that she was a poor unmarried orphan, and Miss PENDRAGON | |
moaned piteously that an unwedded Southern girl without money had better | |
go away somewhere in the desert, with her crushed brother, and die at | |
once for their down-trodden section. Then, indeed, they embraced | |
tearfully; and, in proof of the perfect restoration of their devoted | |
friendship, agreed never to marry if they could avoid it, and told each | |
other the prices of all their best clothes. | |
"You _won't_ tell your brother that I've been here?" said the | |
Flowerpot. "I'm so absurdly afraid that he can't help blaming me for | |
causing some of his trouble." | |
"Can't I tell him, even if it would serve to amuse him in his | |
desolation?" asked the sister, persuasively. "I want to see him smile | |
again, just as he does some days when a hand-organ-man's monkey climbs | |
up to our windows from the street." | |
"Well, you _may_ tell him, then, you absurd thing!" returned FLORA, | |
blushing; and, with another embrace, they parted, and the deeply | |
momentous interview was over. | |
(_To be Continued._) | |
[Footnote 3: Author of "The Grave."] | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: ROMANCE AND REALITY. | |
IN THE LIBRARY. | |
_Jones, (reading.)_ "THE GLASS OF FASHION AND THE MOULD OF FORM, THE | |
OBSERVED OF ALL OBSERVERS." | |
_Jenkins, (with enthusiasm.)_ "PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF MY WIFE!" | |
IN THE GARDEN. | |
THIS IS MRS. JENKINS, IN HER MORNING TOILETTE.] | |
* * * * * | |
OFFICE SEEKING.[4] | |
BY ICHABOD BOGGS, | |
THE NEW AMERICAN POET. | |
PREFATORY NOTE.--The reader is requested to judge the following | |
production mildly, as it is the first effort of a youthful genius (16 | |
years old in looks and feeling, 42 by the family bible and census.) The | |
author has felt that America should have a new kind of verse of its own, | |
and he thinks he here offers one which has never been used by any other | |
mortal poet. It is called the duodekameter. Perhaps it may be proper to | |
add that the following is _poetry_. | |
I. | |
You see everybody in our town was running around, getting fat jobs | |
and positions, and picking up a million dollars or so, | |
So I felt it incumbent on me | |
To shake myself up, and see if there wasn't a good butter firkin, well | |
filled, loafing around idle, in which could conveniently locate my | |
centre of gravity, and so I said to myself, I'll go | |
To Washington and see, | |
Says ICHABOD BOGGS, says I. | |
II. | |
Now, don't you see, you might just as well ask for a big position at | |
first, and then take what you can get, | |
At least that has been my rule so far, | |
For, as I says to myself, if you can only get a very high position, with | |
a sort of nabob's salary, and lots of perquisites running in | |
annually, you needn't do anything, you bet, | |
But puff at your cigar, | |
Says ICHABOD BOGGS, says I. | |
III. | |
So I put on my best clothes, and a sort of a big blue necktie, | |
and shortly thereafter showed myself to Mr. GRANT, | |
And said that there had been quite enough | |
Of this giving away big offices to people who hadn't big reputations, | |
and that he had other fish to fry, and that, as he wouldn't give the | |
Custom House to my son, I'd take it myself, and then I stopped, | |
and he looked, "I shan't," | |
But all he said was--puff, | |
Says General GRANT, says he. | |
IV. | |
Then all the smoke got in my nose, and I sneezed and snorted a bit, | |
and then I just simply remarked and said | |
That he needn't go and get into a huff, | |
And if he didn't like to give me that office, couldn't he make me | |
Minister to England, as I was a big feeder, or if that didn't suit, | |
why, if he'd do it, I wouldn't object to being Minister to Cuba, | |
when the Cubans had been all killed, and were thoroughly dead? | |
But all be said was--puff, | |
Says General GRANT, says he. | |
V. | |
Well, then I got kind of discouraged, but I thought that I'd better try | |
again, and not get up so far, | |
But ask for what he'd give beyond doubt, | |
So I asked for a position as night watchman at the Navy Yard, and | |
thought I'd get it, and he'd answer my request, for I'd noticed that | |
his Havana was gradually growing smaller, and he did answer me, | |
just as he'd thrown away the end of his cigar, | |
He simply said, "Get out!" | |
Says General GRANT, says he. | |
VI. | |
So I got out, as fast as a pair of legs, with a number twelve boot | |
kicking at the place where they're joined, would permit, | |
And wandered off, just about as far | |
As I conveniently could, and then I sat down on a milestone and raised | |
my voice to Heaven, and cried aloud, that, weather permitting, | |
General GRANT should never, _never_, NEVER, go back to the White | |
House, not if I could help it, | |
To puff on his cigar, | |
Said ICHABOD BOGGS, said I. | |
[Footnote 4: We hope none of our readers will labor under the impression | |
that we look upon the above effusion as a poetical one, but, in this day | |
of many isms, it may happen that the above style may become prevalent, | |
and we think it our duty to present everything that is new. EDS.] | |
* * * * * | |
2.02 TO HARNESS. | |
Mr. Punchinello on the Turf. | |
History relates that the era of Horse-racing commenced about the year | |
680 B. C., but it was some time after that when Mr. PUNCHINELLO made his | |
_debut_ as a candidate for the honors of the turf. To put the matter | |
more concisely, it is just six days since he drove his horse "Creeping | |
Peter" on the track at Monmouth Park, Long Branch. The only object which | |
Mr. P. had in view, when he purchased his celebrated trotter and put him | |
into training, was the improvement of the breed of American horses. | |
While our BONNERS, VANDERBILTS and GRANTS are devoting all their | |
surplus time and means to this great end, Mr. P., in placing the name of | |
his yellow horse in the hands of the poolseller, would scorn to have a | |
less noble aim. | |
But this great object need not interfere with others of less importance, | |
and therefore Mr. P. will not deny that, after having exhibited to his | |
friends and the sporting fraternity in general, his little investment in | |
fancy horseflesh, he made up a very satisfactory betting-book. | |
Now Mr. P. believed,--and events proved him to be correct,--that when | |
his friends and the sporting fraternity saw his horse, they would bet | |
heavily against him. Mr. P., however, in all the pride of amateur | |
ownership, bet quite as heavily _upon_ his noble steed. His friends and | |
the above-mentioned fraternity chuckled and winked behind his back, but | |
although Mr. P. heard them chuckle and knew that they were winking, his | |
belief in his final success never wavered. Any ordinary observer might | |
be expected to remark that Creeping Peter was not entirely without | |
blemish. Besides being spavined and having three of his hoofs injured by | |
sand-crack, he had poll-evil, fistulas, malanders, ring-bone, capped | |
hock, curb, splint, and several other maladies which made him a very | |
suitable horse for the general public to bet against. | |
But Mr. P.'s courage never quailed! | |
When he made his appearance on the track (for he drove his horse | |
himself) he was the object of general attention. The following view | |
(from a photograph by ROCKWOOD) gives an excellent idea of the horse and | |
driver. | |
[Illustration] | |
Nearly everybody on the ground advised Mr. P. to leave his cloth in the | |
stable, for it would certainly interfere with the speed of his horse and | |
probably get wrapped up in the wheels and cause an accident. But Mr. P. | |
would listen to nothing of the sort. He told everybody that he wasn't | |
going to catch cold in his knees, even if he lost the race, and that he | |
was perfectly willing to run the risk of accidents. | |
For the benefit of his readers, however, Mr. P. will lift up this | |
heavily shotted lap-cloth and show what was under it. | |
[Illustration] | |
Here is arranged a steam-engine, which drives the wheels of the vehicle, | |
and which will of course propel the whole turnout, horse and all, at a | |
great rate of speed. | |
It will now be easily perceived why Mr. P. persisted in keeping his | |
lap-cloth over his knees. | |
The entries were as follows: | |
ROBERT BONNER'S b. h. Dexter. | |
DEREN O. SUE'S b. m. Lady Thorn. | |
PUNCHINELLO'S y. h. Creeping Peter. | |
When the word was given, the horses all got off well and Dexter | |
immediately took the lead,--buzzing through the air like a | |
humming-top,--followed closely by Lady Thorn, her nose just lapping his | |
off jaw. For the first few seconds Mr. P. fell behind, owing to his | |
fires not yet being properly under way, but the water soon bubbled | |
merrily in his boiler, and his wheels began to revolve with great | |
rapidity. And now he sped merrily. Never did the war trumpet inspire the | |
fiery charger, or hounds and horn excite the mettled hunter, as the | |
steam-engine in his rear woke all the energies of Creeping Peter. | |
Swift as revolving pin-wheels or rapid peg-top, those spavins, those | |
ring-bones, those bulbous hocks, those sand-cracked hoofs and those | |
rattling ribs went whistling o'er the track. Mid the shouts and yells of | |
the excited multitude he passed Lady Thorn, overtook Dexter and shot | |
ahead of him! But he cannot stand that tremendous pace, and down goes | |
Creeping Peter on his knees. Every man who had bet against him set up a | |
howl of rapture, but Mr. P. never relaxed a muscle, and on went Creeping | |
Peter, just as fast as ever, his horny bones dashing away the sand and | |
gravel like spray from the cut-water of a scudding yacht, and, amid the | |
wildest clamor, he shot past the judges' stand on his nose and one leg, | |
making his mile in two minutes and two seconds! | |
[Illustration] | |
It is needless to dwell upon the results of this race. | |
Mr. P. now owes no man anything, nor is he even indebted to his noble | |
steed. Behold his testimony to the merits of that valuable animal! | |
[Illustration] | |
* * * * * | |
Something Original In Suicide. | |
An item in an evening paper states that "a man near Syracuse recently | |
cut his throat with a scythe." | |
Well, certainly this was a new Mowed of doing the business, although, as | |
it was the first instance of the kind on record, it cannot properly be | |
said that the business was done _a la mowed_. | |
* * * * * | |
Jocular and Ocular. | |
Can the public be properly said to have looked forward to SEEBACH? | |
* * * * * | |
ANNA DICKINSON. | |
One bright October morning in the year 1828, a lone lorn woman by the | |
name of GUMMIDGE might have been seen standing at the corner of a | |
wheat-field where two cross-roads met and embraced. She was weeping | |
violently. Ever and anon she would raise her head and gaze mysteriously | |
in the direction of a cloud of dust which moved slowly over the hill | |
toward the town. Her name was FATIMA. FATIMA GUMMIDGE. "Sister ANNIE," | |
she cried, "what do you see?" But sister ANNIE was far away. She was not | |
there. She was attending an agricultural fair in the beautiful young | |
state of Kansas. | |
Thus gracefully do we introduce our heroine upon the scene. The reader | |
will be able to judge, from this, whether we are familiar with the | |
literature of our day, or not. He will be able to form a complimentary | |
opinion of our culture. He will perceive that we are acquainted with the | |
writings of Messrs. JAMES, and DICKENS, and BLUEBEARD. There is nothing | |
like impressing your reader with an adequate sense of your ability for | |
laborious research, when you are doing biography for a high-toned | |
journal. | |
At what period in her career our illustrious victim applied to the | |
Legislature to change her name from GUMMIDGE to DICKINSON, we are unable | |
to discover. There is no record of the event in the musty tomes we have | |
waded through at the Astor Library in search of reliable data. One thing | |
must be apparent, even to the most violently prejudiced and brutish | |
bigot--namely, that Miss DICKINSON no longer confesses to the name of | |
GUMMIDGE. However disrespectful this may be to the memory of Mrs. | |
GUMMIDGE'S father--but on reflection is it not possible that Mrs. | |
GUMMIDGE'S maiden name was DICKINSON? There may be something in this. | |
Let us see. Mrs. GUMMIDGE was born of the brain of Mr. C. DICKENS. Mr. | |
DICKENS may be said to be the father of the whole GUMMIDGE family. This, | |
of course, includes GUMMIDGE _pere_. GUMMIDGE _pere_ was therefore | |
DICKENS' son. Hence the name of DICKENSON. Very good, so far. Now-- | |
But it is unnecessary to press the argument. If the prejudiced bigot is | |
not yet convinced, nothing would convince him short of a horse-whipping. | |
The poet, when he wrote "Thou wilt come no more, gentle ANNIE," was | |
clearly laboring under a mistake. If he had written "Thou wilt be sure | |
to come again next season, gentle ANNIE," he would have hit it. Lecture | |
committees know this. Miss DICKINSON earns her living by lecturing. | |
Occasionally she takes a turn at scrubbing pavements, or going to hear | |
WENDELL PHILLIPS on "The Lost Arts," or other violent exertion, but her | |
best hold is lecturing. She has followed the business ever since she was | |
a girl, and twenty-four (24) years of steady application have made her | |
no longer a Timid Young Thing. She is not afraid of audiences any more. | |
It is a favorite recreation of the moral boot-blacks and pious newsboys | |
of New York to gather in the evening on the steps of Mr. FROTHINGHAM'S | |
church, and scare each other with thrilling stories of the gentle | |
ANNIE'S fierce exploits and deeds of daring. Among the best | |
authenticated of these (stripped of the ornate figures of speech with | |
which the pious newsboys are wont to embellish the simple facts) are the | |
following: | |
1. In the memorable canvass of 1848, Miss DICKINSON stumped the mining | |
districts of Pennsylvania for FRED DOUGLASS, and was shot at by the | |
infuriated miners forty-two times, the bullets whistling through her | |
back hair to that extent that her chignon looked like a section of | |
suction-hose when the campaign was over. | |
2. Near the close of the rebellion, Miss DICKINSON wrote to JEFF DAVIS | |
that she was going to raise a regiment and go for him. Peace followed | |
promptly. | |
3. In the year 1867 she published a book. | |
4. In the year 1868 she went to California overland, by railroad, alone. | |
5. In the year 1869 she attended a lecture by OLIVE LOGAN, and further | |
showed her fearless nature by embracing Miss LOGAN tempestuously, and | |
offering to marry her. | |
6. At various times during her career she has received and successfully | |
done battle with 14,624 proposals of marriage, 14,600 of which were made | |
to her _in the city of Chicago!!!_ | |
These evidences of her courage are sufficient to show what she is equal | |
to, under any emergency. We are now waiting to hear of a seventh act of | |
bravery on her part which will distance all the above; when she shall | |
have announced that she is prepared to lecture on "CHARLES DICKENS" she | |
will have given the last convincing proof that she is equal to | |
_anything_ terrible. | |
(Should Mr. PUNCHINELLO object that this biographical sketch is | |
desultory and "wandering," let him try, himself, to write the biography | |
of a lady who is incessantly and frantically roaming from one end of the | |
country to the other, and if he don't wander it will be a wonder.) | |
* * * * * | |
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!--HEIRS WANTED! | |
NEW YORK, Oct. 1, 1870. | |
We, the undersigned, as representatives of the family of the decedent, | |
hereby call upon all heirs of the late RICHARD COEUR DE LION, who may be | |
residing in or near this locality, to meet at the Astor House, in New | |
York, on the fifteenth of this present month of October, to take | |
measures for the recovery of such portion of the estate of said LION as | |
is known to have legally descended to his heirs in this country. This | |
property, to which it will be easy to prove that we, the undersigned, | |
together with the other members of our family, are the lineal heirs, is | |
believed to consist mainly of the two hundred thousand byzants assured | |
to the said LION by SALADIN after the capitulation of Acre. This sum, | |
which we have reason to believe was duly paid by said SALADIN at the | |
time appointed, when reduced from golden byzants into greenbacks, and | |
compound-interest at seven _per centum_ for the term of six hundred and | |
seventy-nine years calculated thereupon, will be found to amount to | |
upwards of one hundred and seventy thousand million dollars. When the | |
ransom money of twenty-five hundred Saracens, slain by said LION to | |
enforce the speedy payment of the principal of this sum by the said | |
SALADIN, shall have been deducted and paid to such heirs and survivors | |
of said Saracens as may immediately present their claims, the remainder | |
will be divided, (as soon as the necessary legal measures shall be | |
taken,) among the heirs and descendants of said LION in this country. | |
The immediate object of the meeting, which is now called by the | |
undersigned, is the collection of sufficient funds from said heirs and | |
descendants to defray the expenses of a committee (composed of the | |
undersigned) who shall be charged with the duty of visiting England, | |
Normandy and Palestine, and obtaining such evidence and such copies of | |
record in relation to this portion of the estate of the said LION, as | |
shall make necessary a speedy and equitable division of paid property | |
among the members of the family in this country. | |
Lineal heirs who may not be able to attend this meeting in person will | |
have their interests taken in charge by the undersigned, on the receipt | |
of twenty-five dollars, which will be due from each heir as the primary | |
instalment on account of necessary expenses. | |
Punctual attention to this notice is requested. | |
(Signed) | |
JACOB RICHARDS, | |
PETER MCCURDY, | |
EBENEZER LYONS. | |
JAMES MCLEON, | |
L. J. O'LYNN, | |
HENRY RICHARDSON, | |
Rev. THOS. DICK, | |
DICK E. DICKQUE DOUT. | |
* * * * * | |
RECOGNITION OF NILSSON. | |
Not that we mean to "patronize," fair Swede; | |
No, no, indeed! | |
'Tis homage, honest homage that we bring; | |
For you can sing! | |
Pray, do not think we build you any throne | |
On _skill_ alone; | |
There's nothing regal in a music box-- | |
In simple _vox_! | |
But when an ardent spirit warms the strain-- | |
When it is plain | |
The artist feels the passion of the scene-- | |
She's then our Queen! | |
But, dear CHRISTINA! we should still declare | |
The Fates unfair, | |
Unless she lived as chastely as the rose; | |
As NILSSON does! | |
Still, still we hesitate!--We will confess, | |
(For _you'd_ not guess!) | |
We'd have her--that the likeness be complete-- | |
Young, fair, and sweet! | |
In fine, (and now we'll tell you everything,) | |
If she can sing, | |
And act, and feel, and look, and _be_ like you, | |
Why, that will do! | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE YOUNG DEMOC-RATS, ENCOURAGED BY THE OLD RAT DANA, | |
COME TO GRIEF IN TRYING TO PUT OUT THE HOFFMAN LIGHT.] | |
* * * * * | |
A New Pierian Spring. | |
The Principal of the "Student's Home," at V------, N.Y., advertising | |
the advantages of his school, makes the following telling appeal, which | |
we should think would be hard to resist by such as find study interfere | |
with digestion. | |
"COME TO V------. Its Mineral Water strengthens the body, and its | |
Seminary the mind." | |
The hope of eventually leaving those classic shades in such a state of | |
two-fold invigoration, should prove inspiring to the dyspeptic and | |
studious. | |
Whether this constant cramming of the mind and purging of the body be | |
the true secret of longevity as well as of scholarship, we know not; we | |
should judge, however, from the appearance and conversation of students | |
in general, that a system directly the reverse of the above mentioned | |
process would be more certain of turning out the real article. | |
* * * * * | |
Spare Us! | |
Nor only is everybody's attention directed towards Paris, but the | |
English Sparrows appear to be gradually Worming themselves into public | |
estimation. They have been picking away so vigorously, since they were | |
brought over here, that some of them are now able to pick their way | |
across Broadway, in the muddiest weather. In course of time, we suppose | |
the worms will disappear, and then, when these poor birds have nothing | |
else to pick, they will go out to pic-nics. Come, arouse then, friends | |
of the sparrow! Fetch out your bread and your grain, and fear not that | |
these little twitterers will ever over-burden the city. | |
* * * * * | |
A Gourd of Honor(!) | |
The latest, and most important news from Spain is that SICKLES has been | |
furnished with a guard by the government. | |
Some things are managed better in Spain than in this country. SICKLES | |
should have been placed under guard, here, many a year ago, to keep him | |
out of mischief. | |
* * * * * | |
"Carpe Diem." | |
The following telegraphic item is a remarkable instance of the exactness | |
with which news can be transmitted by the submarine cable: | |
"LONDON, September 16. Mr. CHARLES REED, member of Parliament for | |
Hackney, to-day unveiled the monument to ALEXANDER DEFOE, at Bunhill | |
Fields. The monument in practically one to ROBINSON CRUSOE." | |
With the triffing exception of calling ROBINSON DEFOE ALEXANDER DEFOE, | |
(and that is a pardonable error, considering that ALEXANDER SELKIRK was | |
the prototype of DANIEL CRUSOE,) the above item is perfectly | |
satisfactory. All the more so, if one pays attention to the date, and | |
remembers that September 16 fell upon a FRIDAY. | |
* * * * * | |
BY TELEGRAPH FROM VARIOUS PARTS OF THE WORLD. | |
[Special Correspondence of Punchinello.] | |
BERLIN, October 15.--In a conversation with King WILLIAM, yesterday, he | |
said that he relied upon the growing taste in Hoboken for Bavarian beer | |
to destroy the sympathy of the United States with the French Republic. | |
METZ, October 12.--While examining the fortifications to-day with | |
BISMARCK, I lent him my cigar-holder, and he told me that Prussia would | |
refuse to entertain any propositions tending to peace until the | |
Schleswig-Holstein question was definitely settled. | |
STRASBOURG, October 14--Among the priceless volumes destroyed in the | |
library here, was a full set of ABBOTT'S NAPOLEON histories. They were | |
all presentation copies from the author, with autograph inscriptions. | |
The regret expressed at their destruction is deep-felt and universal. | |
WINDSOR, Oct. 16th.--I came up to-day with VICTORIA from Balmoral. She | |
was engaged during most of the trip in reading HORACE GREELEY'S "What I | |
Know About Farming," with which she is much delighted. She said she | |
thought the satire was finer than SWIFT'S, and wondered the people did | |
not insist upon GREELEY'S being Governor. | |
ROME, Oct. 15.--Talking this morning with the Pope, who took breakfast | |
with me, His Holiness said he had accepted JAMES GORDON BENNETT'S | |
invitation to come to Washington Heights on a visit, and wanted to know | |
whether I thought he would be expected to wear his tiara during meals. I | |
told him that I thought it would not be obligatory. | |
DUBLIN, Oct. 16.--The Irish Republic was to-day proclaimed at Cork, with | |
GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN as Emperor. The Fenians say they would prefer a | |
constitutional monarchy. | |
PARIS, Oct. 15.--General CLUSERET assured me to-day that though Minister | |
WASHBURNE speaks French better than a native, yet he has not entirely | |
forgotten what little English he used to know, and further, that he is | |
confident it is not that gentleman's intention to make himself Dictator | |
of France by a _coup d' etat_. | |
LONG BRANCH, Oct. 22--While smoking to-day with GRANT, I asked him what | |
he thought of the European complication, and he answered with a most | |
expressive silence. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: STAYING THE MARCH. | |
_Liberty._ "HALT!" ] | |
* * * * * | |
HIRAM GREEN IN GOTHAM. | |
The venerable "Lait Gustise" sees the Sights, under Perplexing | |
Difficulties. | |
The native borned Gothamite mite have notissed, a short time since, a | |
venerable lookin' ex-Statesman, dressed in a becomin' soot of clothes | |
and a slick lookin' white hat. | |
The a-four-said honest old man carried a bloo cotton umbreller in one | |
hand, and an acksminister carpet bag in t'other. He had jest arroven to | |
the meetropolis on a North River steambote. The reader has probly gessed | |
by this time, that the man in question was the subscriber. | |
If he hasen't so surmised, I would inform him that it was. Jess so. | |
Arrivin' at a well-known tavern, where hash is provided for man and | |
beast, I handed my carpet bag over the counter. | |
The clerk at the offis put on rather more airs than a Revenoo offiser. | |
In fact, he was so full of airs I got a vilent cold standin' in his | |
pressence. | |
"Shan't I take that anshient circus tent?" said he, pintin' to my | |
umbreller, "and lock it up in the safe?" | |
I made no reply to this onmanerly interogetory, but strikin' an attitude | |
of pain, give him one of those gazes which BEN BUTLER allers makes tell, | |
in tryin' criminal cases. | |
I looked at that clerk cross-eyed, and it made him squirm. | |
I wasen't blind--not much. | |
That clerk wanted to steel _that_ umbreller, to send to HORRIS GREELEY, | |
so the Filosifer could keep the reign storms of Tammany from spatterin' | |
his white cote. | |
I understood his little dodge and nipped it. | |
"Snowball," said I, addressin' a dark skinned individual with a white | |
apern, while I was seated at the dinner table, "what in the deuce makes | |
all your dishes so small?" | |
"Dem is for one pusson, sah," said he. "Dat is an indiwidual butter | |
dish, sah. Dem is indiwidual vegetable dishes--and dat's an indiwidual | |
salt-cellar, sah," said he, pintin' to each piece of crockery. | |
I was hungry, and the crockery was soon empty. | |
Seein' a platter of ice cream down the table aways, I got up onto my | |
feet, and havin' a good long arm, reached for it. | |
It was awful cold, and sot my stumps to achin'. | |
I got one holler tooth full of the stuff. | |
"Snowball," said I, "look here." | |
"Well, sah?" he replied. | |
"I've got my tooth full of that cold puddin'," said I, pintin' to the | |
dish; "please bring me an individual toothpick, so I can dig it out." | |
He vanished. I coulden't wait, so I undertook to dig it out with my | |
fork. | |
A man opposite me, who thot heed play smart, sent word to the | |
tavern-keeper that I was swollerin' his forks. | |
Up comes the tavern-keeper, and ketchin' holt of my cote coller, shaked | |
me out in the middle of the dinin'-room floor. | |
"What in thunder are you about?" says I. | |
"Old man," says he, "them forks cost $9.00 a dozen. How many have you | |
swallered?" | |
"Not a gol darned fork," hollered I as loud as I could screem. Gittin' | |
onto my feet, I pulled off my cote and vest, and if I didn't make the | |
fur fly, and give that 'ere tavern-keeper the nisest little polishin' | |
off mortal man ever become acquainted with, then I don't understand the | |
roodiments of the English prize ring. | |
At Central Park, that hily cultivated forrest, the sharpers tried to | |
chissel me. | |
Just as I approched the gate which leads into the Park, a fansy lookin' | |
feller with short hair and plad briches stopt me and says: "Unkle, you'r | |
fair." | |
"You're a man of excellent judgment," I replide; "I think I am pooty | |
good lookin' for a man of my years." | |
"You don't undertand me, sir," he agin said. "Come down with your | |
stamps." | |
"My which?" said I, turnin' a little red in the face. | |
"Your gate money," he replied, tryin' to shove me back. "We charge $1.00 | |
for goin' in here." | |
"You do, do you?" said I, wavin' my umbreller over his head | |
threatenin' manner. "When our goverment resooms speshie payment agin | |
maybe I'le send you a silver dollar with a hole into it, and maybe I | |
won't; it will depend a good deal on the pertater crop." | |
I was very much agitated. Pullin' out my silver watch I says: "My sweet | |
sented Plumbob, if you don't histe your butes away from that gate in 2 | |
seconds I'le bust your biler with this 'ere bunch of bones," and I | |
tickled the end of his probocis with my fist, as I gently rubbed it | |
under his smeller. | |
He saw heed caught a Tarter, in fact, a regular Tarter emetic, and he | |
slunk away rather sudden. | |
I had sent too many of such skinamelinks to the clay banks when I was | |
Gustice of the Peece to allow 'em to fool me much. | |
I visited WOOD'S Museum to see the wacks figgers and things. | |
The statutes of the 12 Apostles attracted my attention. | |
"And this," said a ministerial long-faced lookin' man, with a white | |
choker, "is the last supper.--What a sagacious eye has PETER got--How | |
doubtful THOMAS looks--MATTHEW is in deep thought, probly thinkin' of | |
the times he was a fisherman. What a _longin'_ look in that astoot | |
eye," said he, nudgin' me with his gold-headed cane. | |
"Yes," said I, "he is probly _longin'_ for that 'ere dish of ham and | |
eggs, in the middle of the table." | |
"Look at SIMON," he continered. "See! his eye rests upon his rite hand, | |
which is closed beside him on the table. His lips are parted as if he | |
was going to say-- | |
"SIMON says thumbs up," I quickly replide, interruptin' him. I diden't | |
mean anything disrespectful to nobody, but that 'ere man flew into a | |
vilent rage. | |
"Can it be, that a soul so devoid of poetry lives in this age?" said he. | |
"My venerable friend, I blush for you--yes, I blush for you, you are | |
devoid of sentiment." | |
"Look here, Captin," said I, "you may be a good preacher and all that | |
sort of thing. Excuse me for sayin' it, you hain't a BEECHER--Skarcely. | |
H. WARD soots me--He is chock full of sentiment--at the same time he can | |
relish a joak ekal to the best of us. Mix a little sunshine with that | |
gloomy lookin' countenance of yours. Don't let people of the world think | |
they must draw down their faces and colaps, because a man joaks about a | |
lot of wacks figgers dressed up in 6 penny caliker. Them's the kind of | |
sentiment which ales me every time." Sayin' which I storked | |
contemptously out of the wacks figger department. | |
I shall remain a few days in the big city, friend PUNCHINELLO, and if | |
the citizens of New York insist on givin' me a reception at the City | |
Hall, I will submit to the sacrifice, especially if the vitels are well | |
cookt. Ewers on a scare up, | |
HIRAM GREEN, Esq., | |
_Lait Gustice of the Peece._ | |
* * * * * | |
THE CENSUS ENUMERATOR'S PLAINT. | |
The names that these newspapers call us | |
Are hardest of all to surmount, | |
They say Mayor HALL may o'erhaul us; | |
He claims that our count is no 'count. | |
I never had any such trouble | |
In registering voters down South, | |
I set every <DW65> down double | |
And put the whites down in the mouth. | |
But here they're so very exacting | |
They kick up a row, don't you know? | |
Though under instructions we're acting | |
In playing our figures "for low." | |
I try to play Sharpe in these matters, | |
I dodge all the bricks and spittoons-- | |
(Curse that bull-dog! he's torn to tatters | |
The seat of my best pantaloons!) | |
A tailor refused me admission, | |
And said he "vould shoot mit his gun," | |
So I, out of Shear opposition, | |
Counted him and eight others for one. | |
While not in the habit of swearing, | |
I can't but be slightly profane | |
To hear these New Yorkers declaring | |
Their names have been taken in vain. | |
* * * * * | |
The most appropriate kind of dish on which to serve up Horseflesh | |
A Charger. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: SEVERE ON BYRON BUBBS. | |
_Bubbs_. "DOES YOUR SISTER NETTIE EVER TALK ABOUT ME?" | |
_Little Rose_. "OH, YES! I HEARD HER TELL MA, YESTERDAY, YOU HAD SUCH A | |
BEAUTIFUL NECK, SO LONG THAT IT WOULD DO TO TIE IN A DOUBLE BOW-KNOT!"] | |
* * * * * | |
BY GEORGE! | |
(_Concluded_.) | |
LAKE GEORGE, N. Y., Sept. 12. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: "SLUKER," continued the long-haired man in an | |
absent-minded manner, "was a _corker_! there is no mistake about that. | |
Like the Ghost at BOOTH'S, he was a terror to the peaceful Hamlet. He | |
was always getting up shindys without the slightest provocation, and was | |
evidently possessed of the unpleasant ambition, as well as ability, to | |
whale the entire township in detachments of one. | |
Things got to be so bad after a while that the bark was rubbed off every | |
tree in town on account of the people incontinently shinning up them | |
whenever SLUKER came in sight. | |
It was no unusual thing to see business entirely suspended for hours, | |
while SLUKER marched up and down the main street, whistling, with his | |
hands in his pockets, and every soul in the place, from the minister | |
down, roosting as high as they could get, six on a branch, sometimes. | |
Matters went on in this way until one day a little incident occurred | |
that somewhat discouraged this gentle youth. He had just returned from a | |
discussion with a butcher, (from the effects of which the latter now | |
sleeps in the valley,) when a party of his fellow-townsmen entered the | |
store in which he was loafing, and ordered a coil of half-inch rope from | |
New York by the morning's train. | |
It was the Overland route that SLUKER took for California, and when his | |
aged mother heard that three eyes had been gouged out in one day in the | |
Golden City, she wept tears of joy. Her fond heart told her that the | |
perilous journey was over, and her darling boy was safe. | |
After ten years of a brilliant career he bethought him again of the | |
place of his birth. His heart yearned for the gentle delights,--the | |
heavy laden trees--of his boyhood's home. He said he must go. | |
His friends said he must go, too. In fact they had already appointed a | |
select and vigilant Committee to see him safely on his way. | |
In some respects SLUKER came back an altered man. The stamp of change | |
was on his noble face, indeed it had been stamped on itself, until it | |
looked like a wax doll under a hot stove. But he still retained his | |
warlike spirit. | |
There was not so much chance of indulging it now, however. The Fire | |
Company had disbanded, and nearly every one had grown rich enough to own | |
a shot-gun. There was only one chance left. | |
He joined the Presbyterian Choir. | |
Not that he had much of a voice, though he used to play 'Comin' thro' | |
the Rye' oh the fiddle sometimes, until he got it going _through him_ so | |
much he couldn't draw a note. | |
Nobody would have taken them if he had. | |
Well, SLUKER had a pretty warm time of it in the Choir, and enjoyed | |
himself very much, until they got a new Organist who pitched every thing | |
in 'high C,' which was this young man's strong lead. | |
As the Choir always sang in G, of coarse, there was a row the first | |
Sunday, and it was generally understood that SLUKER was going to fix | |
MIDDLERIB that night. | |
When the evening service commenced, and the Choir was about to begin, | |
the congregation were startled by an ominous click in the gallery, and | |
looking up, they beheld SLUKER covering the Organist's second shirt-stud | |
with his revolver. | |
"Give us G, Mr. MIDDLERIB, if you please!" he said blandly. | |
But the pirate on the high C's refused to Gee, and Whoa was the natural | |
result. | |
The confusion that followed was terrible: SLUKER fired at everybody. | |
MIDDLERIB hit him with the music stool. The soprano was thrown over the | |
railing, and somebody turned off the gas. | |
In the ensuing darkness every one skirmished for themselves. SLUKER took | |
off his boots and hunted for MIDDLERIB in his stocking feet. | |
Suddenly he heard a single note on the 'high C.' He groped his way to | |
the keyboard, but there was no one there. | |
The solution rushed upon him,--MIDDLERIB must be _in_ the organ. | |
He crept round to the handle and bore his weight on it. | |
It was too true; the unhappy wretch had cut a hole in the bellows and | |
crawled in. But for his ruling passion he would have escaped. | |
There were a few muffled groans as the handle slowly descended upon the | |
doomed man, and as the breath rushed out of his body into his favorite | |
pipe, the wild 'high C of agony that ran through the sacred edifice | |
told them that all was over. | |
Let us draw a vail over the horrid picture." | |
* * * | |
I was very much interested in this story, very much indeed, and so I | |
jostled the long-haired man--who was about falling asleep--and asked him | |
if anything was done to this wicked SLUKER. | |
He looked at me reproachfully. "What's the matter with you, my friend?" | |
he said, in the same melancholy voice. "Don't you know who I am? I write | |
for the _Ledger_, and whenever 'I draw a vail, etc.,' that ends it, that | |
does!" | |
As we stepped from the steamer to the landing, I observed a youth of | |
about six summers dressed in the most elaborately agonizing manner. He | |
had two Schutzenfest targets in his cuffs; in one hand he held an | |
enormous cane, in the other a cigar, and through an eyeglass he gazed at | |
the ankles on the gang-plank with an air of patient weariness with this | |
slow old world that was very touching. | |
"Where," I exclaimed as I surveyed this show-card of a fast generation, | |
"O! where have our _children_ vanished? Take from childhood the | |
sparkling water of its purity--the sugar of its innocent affections--its | |
ardent but refreshing spirits--and what, ah! what have we left?" | |
"Nothing," said the melancholy voice at my elbow. "Absolutely nothing | |
save the mint and the straw!" | |
And he was right, my dear PUNCHINELLO, he was right. | |
SAGINAW DODD. | |
* * * * * | |
"SOLEMN SILENCE." | |
Perhaps very few persons--and especially very few members of the | |
Republican party--are aware that a monument to ABRAHAM LINCOLN has at | |
last been completed, and that it has been placed on the site allotted | |
for it in Union Square. It is very creditable to the Republican Party | |
that they exercised such control over their feelings when the day for | |
unveiling the LINCOLN Monument arrived. Some parties might have made a | |
demonstration on the occasion of post-mortuary honors being accorded to | |
a leader whom they professed to worship while he lived, and whom they | |
demi-deified after his death. No such extravagant folly can be laid at | |
the door of the Republican Party. "Let bygones be bygones" is their | |
motto. They allowed their "sham ABRAHAM," in heroic bronze, to be | |
hoisted on to his pedestal in Union Square in solitude and silence. That | |
was commendable. A live ass is better than a dead lion; and so the | |
Republican Party, who consider themselves very much alive, went to look | |
after their daily thistles and left their dead lion in charge of a | |
policeman. | |
* * * * * | |
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. | |
LOTTA is lithe; (which is alliterative,) pretty, piquant, and addicted | |
to the banjo. The latter characteristic is inseparable from her. In | |
whatever situation the dramatist may place her, whether in a London | |
drawing-room or a Cockney kitchen, whether on an Algerian battle-field | |
or in a California mining-camp, she is certain to produce the inevitable | |
banjo, and to sing the irrepressible comic song. In fact, her plays are | |
written not for LOTTA, but for LOTTA'S banjo. The dramatist takes the | |
presence of the banjo as the central fact of his drama, and weaves his | |
plot around it. His play is made on the model of that celebrated drama | |
written to introduce Mr. CRUMMLES'S pump and tubs. Thus does he preserve | |
the sacred unity of LOTTA and the banjo. | |
_Heart's Ease_--in which she is now playing at NIBLO'S Garden, is | |
plainly born of the banjo, and lives for that melodious instrument | |
alone. The author said to himself, "A California mining-camp would be a | |
nice place for a banjo solo." Wherefore he conceived the camp, with a | |
chorus of red-shirted miners. Wherefore too, he created a comic Yankee | |
who should be eccentric enough to bring a banjo to the camp, and a lover | |
who should be charmed by its touching strains. It required a prologue | |
and three acts to enable him to successfully introduce the banjo. In a | |
somewhat condensed form, these acts and this prologue are here set | |
forth. | |
PROLOGUE. _A seedy husband who is audaciously palmed upon the public as | |
a Reasoning Animal is discovered in a London garret, with a | |
healthy-looking wife, in a rapid consumption_. | |
REASONING ANIMAL. "I loved you, my dear, and therefore brought you from | |
a comfortable home to this dreary garret. I cannot bear to leave you, so | |
I will go out for a walk." (_The bell rings, and the wife's mother, | |
brother and family physician enter._) | |
MOTHER. "You must leave your husband and come home and live with us." | |
BROTHER. "Of course you must. You need not hesitate about a little thing | |
like that. Go into the other room and consult the Doctor. Here comes | |
your husband." (_Re-enter_ REASONING ANIMAL.) | |
REASONING ANIMAL. "Her berrotherr! Herre!" | |
BROTHER, "Yes. You can't support your wife. The Doctor says she needs | |
nice parties and other necessaries of life. Give her to us, and go to | |
California." | |
REASONING ANIMAL. "I will. Bring her here till I embrace her. (_She is | |
brought._) Farewell, my dear. I will go and make my fortune." | |
WIFE. "Take our little girl with you." | |
REASONING ANIMAL. "I will, for she needs a mother's care. Good-bye! | |
Leave me to weep and wash the baby's face and hands alone." | |
ACT I.--_Scene, a California mining-camp. Various miners of assorted | |
nationalities--one of each--hard at work lying on the ground._ | |
1ST MINER. "I want more whiskey." | |
CHORUS. "So do we." | |
2ND MINER. "MAY WILDROSE won't sell any more." | |
CHORUS. "But she gives it to her lover." | |
3RD MINER. "He looks clean; he must have found a nugget. Let's kill | |
him." | |
4TH MINER. "Sh--we will." (_Enter_ MAY WILDROSE--_which her name it is_ | |
MISS LOTTA.) | |
MAY. "Here comes my darling LIONEL. Let me get you some brandy, love." | |
LIONEL. "Certainly, my dear. How full of forethought is a true woman's | |
love!" | |
CHORUS of MINERS. "She gives it to him, but not to us. Beware, young | |
woman, or we will go back on you." | |
MAY. "No you won't. My father earns a laborious living by making me keep | |
a whiskey shop. We have a monopoly of the business, and you will have to | |
buy of us, whether you like it or not. Get out of my sight, or I'll lick | |
the whole boiling of you." (_They fly, and she returns to the parental | |
whiskey shop._) | |
LIONEL. "Night is coming on. I will go among the rocks; why, I don't | |
know, but still I will go." (_Goes. Three miners follow and attack | |
him._) | |
LIONEL. "Save me, somebody." | |
MAY. _Appearing suddenly with a revolver_--"You bet." (_She shoots the | |
miners and brings down the curtain triumphantly._) | |
ACT II.--_Scene--the whiskey shop of the_ REASONING ANIMAL.--LIONEL | |
_asleep on a bed evidently borrowed from some boarding-house--since it | |
is several feet too short for him_.--MAY _engaged in peeling | |
potatoes.--Enter_ REASONING ANIMAL. | |
REASONING ANIMAL. "My daughter! I see you are passionately in love with | |
LIONEL. Therefore, as I know him to be a fine young fellow, you must | |
never see him more." (_Enter_ COMIC YANKEE.) | |
COMIC YANKEE. "Here's your new banjo, Miss MAY. Play us something comic | |
and depressing." | |
MAY. "Thank Heaven, I can get at the banjo at last" (_Plays and is | |
encored a dozen times._) | |
COMIC YANKEE. "Miss MAY, you must go and take a walk." (_She goes._) | |
"LIONEL, you are well enough to leave this ranche. Get up and get." | |
LIONEL. "Farewell, beloved whiskey shop. Tell MAY I am going to leave | |
her, and give her my sketches. If she once looks at them, she can love | |
me no longer." (_Goes out to slow music. Re-enter_ MAY.) | |
MAY. "The wretch has left me without a word. I will bury his infamous | |
sketches under the floor. They may frighten away the rats." (_Pulls up | |
the floor and finds an immense nugget. Her father rushes in to see it. | |
Two miners also see it and try to raise it. They are promptly seen and | |
called by_ MAY, _who shoots one and holds the pistol pointed at the | |
other, while the curtain slowly falls._) | |
ACT III.--_Scene, a London drawing-room. Enter_ MAY, _gorgeously | |
dressed. Also her father, who has forgotten all about his wife, and | |
also_ LIONEL _and the_ COMIC YANKEE. | |
COMIC YANKEE. "Let us sing." | |
MAY. "Come on, old hoss." (_They sing and dance for an hour, such being | |
the pleasant custom of fashionable London society._) | |
MAY. "Miss CLARA! I understand you are engaged to marry LIONEL, and that | |
if you marry anybody else you lose your dower of twenty thousand pounds. | |
Sell LIONEL to me, and I will give you a check for the amount." | |
CLARA. "Thanks, noble stranger, there is the receipt. Hand over the | |
money." | |
LIONEL. "Dearest MAY, as you must have a pretty large bank account, to | |
be able to draw checks for twenty thousand pounds, I am quite sure I | |
love you." | |
MAY. "Come to my arms. Now then, everybody, how is that for high!" | |
(_Slow curtain, relieved by eccentric gymnastics by the_ COMIC YANKEE.) | |
BOY IN THE AUDIENCE. "Pa! isn't that splendid?" | |
DISCRIMINATING PARENT. "What! How! Who! Where am I? O, to be sure, I | |
came to see _Heart's Ease_, and to take my evening nap. Did LOTTA play | |
the banjo?" | |
BOY. "O didn't she just. She played and sung dead loads of times." | |
DISCRIMINATING PARENT. "I have had a sweet nap. My son, I think I can | |
now risk taking you to the minstrels. If I slept through this, I could | |
feel reasonably sure of sleeping through even the dark conundrums and | |
sentimental ballads. There is only a shade of difference between | |
the two styles of performance, and that slight shade is only burnt | |
cork." | |
MATADOR. | |
* * * * * | |
Mural Decorations in Rome. | |
The "dead walls" of Rome, as we learn from the telegrams, were lately | |
placarded with immense posters proclaiming the Italian Republic. | |
Rome being an "Eternal City," we were not previously aware that any of | |
her walls were dead. If they are, however, it may be that the posters of | |
the posters referred to took that method of bringing them to life again, | |
which may be looked on as a _post mortem_ proceeding. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE RETORT COURTEOUS. | |
_Newly-arrived Briton._ "ENGLISH SPARROWS?--IMPOSSIBLE. WHY, THEY CHIRP | |
THROUGH THEIR LITTLE NOSES LIKE WEGULAR YANKEES." | |
_Park-Keeper._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT TAKES TWO MEN AND A CART, | |
EVERY DAY TO REMOVE THE 'Hs' DROPPED BY THEM ABOUT THE PARK."] | |
* * * * * | |
OUR PORTFOLIO. | |
PARIS, FIRST WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. | |
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Things are becoming so mixed here that I am thinking | |
of retiring to Tours with the other tourists. The city is all on the | |
go--that is to say, the non-combatants are all going out of it as fast | |
as possible. | |
GAMBETTA left here the early part of the week, and it was better for him | |
that he should. I wouldn't give a _sou_ for any of these republicans if | |
they chance to fall into the clutches of King WILLIAM. It is reported | |
that he has issued an order for the strangulation of all French children | |
between the ages of three and five, in reprisal for the treacherous | |
blowing up of Germans at Laon. | |
BISMARCK has requested the privilege of cooking ROCHEFORT'S mutton for | |
him, should he be taken alive when Paris falls. What he means by | |
"cooking his mutton" has not yet transpired, but it is gloomily | |
vaticinated that he intends to boil him down. ROCHEFORT mutton with | |
caper sauce ought to satisfy the epicurean taste of BISMARCK, especially | |
as ROCHEFORT would cease his caperings from that hour. Late last night | |
there was an alarm in the city that the whole Prussian army was at | |
Noisy-le-Sec. As you may have suspected, a noisy demonstration followed | |
this announcement. | |
I got out of bed, rang the bell, and requested the _concierge_ to bring | |
me an auger. The man looked a little astonished at what he undoubtedly | |
considered a strange request. | |
For a man to get out of bed in the middle of the night and call for an | |
auger, was indeed a trifle peculiar. When he brought it, I increased his | |
astonishment by proceeding to bore a hole through the top of my trunk. | |
"_C'est un imbecile_," said the concierge, retreating a step or two. | |
"Not much," I retorted, boring away with renewed vigor. Presently the | |
orifice was made. Into it I thrust an Alpen stock which had accompanied | |
me in many a toilsome march through Switzerland, and lifting the lid, | |
took from the cradle of the trunk a star-spangled banner made of silk, | |
which had been presented to me by the Young Men's Christian Association | |
of New York, prior to my departure for Europe, as a token of their | |
esteem for my services in the capacity of a "reformed drunkard." I | |
fastened the flag to the stock, put my boots, clothes and other | |
valuables on top of the trunk, and in a voice intended to express my | |
defiance of King WILLIAM and his German Lagerheads, spoke these words: | |
Wave fearless, there, thou standard sheet! | |
That Yankee trunk and all it holds | |
(Though Prussian hirelings throng each street) | |
Is safe beneath thy starry folds! | |
Saying which I dismissed the humiliated _concierge_, took a drink, blew | |
out the _bougie_, and sank into the arms of "Tired nature's sweet | |
restorer." | |
Instances like the above are quite common among Americans in Paris. It | |
was only the other day at the depot of the _Chemin de fer du Nord_ that | |
I saw a sick Bostonian sitting on his trunk outside the gates, waiting | |
for a chance to get into the train, with a Skye-terrier between his legs | |
wrapped in the American flag. You easily get accustomed to such sights, | |
and don't think anything about them. | |
Yesterday I called at the office of the American Minister. I gave the | |
porter my card, and asked if "WASH." was in. He eyed me strangely. (Most | |
people when they first see me generally do. I have thought sometimes | |
that a certificate of good character posted conspicuously about my | |
person would obviate this--but as they say here, "_n' importe_.") | |
"I'll see," said the porter, in reply to my question. He walked off, | |
taking with him the door mat, an umbrella that stood in the hall, four | |
coats and three hats that hung on the rack, besides numerous other small | |
portable articles of _vertu_ that would have come handy for a | |
professional "lifter." | |
I did not consider this movement a reflection upon my character, for it | |
seemed but appropriate that he should do it. "What," said I to myself, | |
"are porters for, but to remove portable articles?" | |
"WASH" was in, and fortunately for me, too, as I obtained a bit of news | |
that has not yet been printed in the cable dispatches from "Private | |
Sources." | |
It came by letter from General FORSYTH, SHERIDAN'S aide-de-camp and Lord | |
High Chamberlain, and was to the effect that SHERIDAN had not tasted a | |
drop of whiskey or uttered an oath since landing in Germany. WASH, asked | |
me to communicate the fact to you with the request that you would | |
forward it to the "Society for the Encouragement of Practical Piety" at | |
Boston. He also told me that, between looking after German interests in | |
Paris and receiving ovations from enthusiastic mobs, he didn't think he | |
could do justice to his salary. | |
"WASH," says I, "it isn't so much that, as it is that the salary doesn't | |
do justice to you. If that's the case speak right out; PUNCHINELLO can | |
fix it for you." This took WASH. so suddenly that he couldn't speak, but | |
his eyes were running over with language. Don't move in the matter, | |
however, till you hear from me again, when I shall have something more | |
to tell you about the march of the Prussians to this capital, and the | |
capital march I propose to make out of it. | |
Yours, in a revolutionary state, DICK TINTO. | |
* * * * * | |
NEW PUBLICATIONS. | |
MONSIEUR SYLVESTRE. By GEORGE SAND. Boston: ROBERTS BROTHERS. | |
A welcome version of one of Madame DUDEVANT'S novels, well rendered into | |
English by Mr. F.G. SHAW. It is issued in very neat and attractive | |
form, and is one of a series of the SAND novels, publishing by Messrs. | |
ROBERTS. | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A. T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| Are offering | | |
| | | |
| A SPLENDID COLLECTION OF | | |
| | | |
| NEW SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| The largest they have ever offered, | | |
| | | |
| BLACK AND WHITE CHECK SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| $1 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| RAYE GROS GRAINS, | | |
| | | |
| $l per yard. | | |
| | | |
| EXTRA HEAVY RAYE GROS GRAINS, | | |
| | | |
| FOR SUITS, $1.25 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| A VERY LARGE COLLECTION OF NEW CANNELE STRIPES, | | |
| | | |
| For young ladies, $1.50 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| 2 CASES GRISALE STRIPES, EXCELLENT QUALITIES, | | |
| | | |
| $1.25 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN | | |
| | | |
| Rich Wide Fancy Silks, Only $2 per yard, Formerly $4 and $5 | | |
| per yard. | | |
| | | |
| A Choice assortment of Very Rich Ground | | |
| | | |
| POMPADOUR BROCADES. | | |
| | | |
| ALSO, | | |
| | | |
| Hand-Embroidered Silks. | | |
| | | |
| VERY BEAUTIFUL. | | |
| | | |
| Five Hundred Pieces | | |
| | | |
| PLAIN & SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| Comprising all the newest shades, | | |
| | | |
| From $2.60 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| Several Cases of the Celebrated | | |
| | | |
| American-Black Silks, | | |
| | | |
| At $2 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| Guaranteed to wash and wear well. | | |
| | | |
| An immense stock of | | |
| | | |
| BLACK SILKS, | | |
| | | |
| Of Bonnet's and Ponson's manufacture. | | |
| | | |
| Also, the A. T. S. & Co. | | |
| | | |
| FAMILY SILK, | | |
| | | |
| From $2 per yard and upward. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| A. T. Stewart & Co. | | |
| | | |
| Have made large additions to their stock of Five-Frame | | |
| | | |
| ENGLISH BRUSSELS, | | |
| | | |
| $1.75 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| English Brussels, | | |
| | | |
| Confined Styles, $2 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| Very Best Quality | | |
| | | |
| ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS | | |
| | | |
| $1.30 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| FRENCH MOQUETTES | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| AXMINSTERS | | |
| | | |
| $3.50 and $4 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| ROYAL WILTONS, | | |
| | | |
| Best Quality, $2.60 and $3 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| CROSSLEY'S VELVETS, | | |
| | | |
| Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard. | | |
| | | |
| And they are receiving by each and every steamer, | | |
| | | |
| NOVELTIES, | | |
| | | |
| as they appear. | | |
| | | |
| Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys. | | |
| | | |
| English and Domestic | | |
| | | |
| OILCLOTHS, RUGS, MATS, ETC., | | |
| | | |
| At Reduced Prices. | | |
| | | |
| BROADWAY, | | |
| | | |
| 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | | |
| Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | | |
| Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | | |
| Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | | |
| published in America. | | |
| | | |
| CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | | |
| | | |
| Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | | |
| " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | | |
| " " three months, " " 1.00 | | |
| Single copies mailed free, for .10 | | |
| | | |
| We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | | |
| CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year, and | | |
| | | |
| "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | | |
| Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $3.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | | |
| Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | | |
| Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $5.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Group of Chickens; | | |
| Group of Ducklings; | | |
| Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | | |
| The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | | |
| The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | | |
| Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $6.00 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | | |
| Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | | |
| Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | | |
| The Kid's Play Ground. ll x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $7.50 chromos | | |
| | | |
| Strawberries and Baskets. | | |
| Cherries and Baskets. | | |
| Currants. Each 13 x 18. | | |
| Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | | |
| Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | | |
| (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | | |
| | | |
| A copy of paper for one year and either of the | | |
| following $10 chromos: | | |
| | | |
| Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | | |
| Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | | |
| Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | | |
| Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | | |
| 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | | |
| for $10.00 | | |
| | | |
| Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | | |
| Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | | |
| sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | | |
| otherwise ordered. | | |
| | | |
| Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | | |
| twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | | |
| advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | | |
| money. | | |
| | | |
| CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | | |
| given. For special terms address the Company. | | |
| | | |
| The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | | |
| seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | | |
| specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | | |
| getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | | |
| | | |
| Address, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box 2783. | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
[Illustration: _Butcher_, "HA! I SHOULD LIKE TO CATCH THE DOG | |
THAT PLAYED ME THAT 'ERE TRICK!--I'D BULLETIN HIM!"] | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | | |
| | | |
| AND | | |
| | | |
| "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | | |
| | | |
| GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | | |
| | | |
| 163, 165, 167, 169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., | | |
| | | |
| New York. | | |
| | | |
| Execute all kinds of | | |
| | | |
| PRINTING, | | |
| | | |
| Furnish all kinds of | | |
| | | |
| STATIONERY, | | |
| | | |
| Make all kinds of | | |
| | | |
| BLANK BOOKS, | | |
| | | |
| Execute the finest styles of | | |
| | | |
| LITHOGRAPHY | | |
| | | |
| Make the Best and Cheapest ENVELOPES Ever offered to the | | |
| Public. | | |
| | | |
| They have made all the prepaid Envelopes for the United | | |
| States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and | | |
| have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is | | |
| the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| Travelers West and South-West Should bear in mind that the | | |
| | | |
| ERIE RAILWAY IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | | |
| COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | | |
| | | |
| Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | | |
| Lines | | |
| | | |
| By Rail or River | | |
| | | |
| For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | | |
| NASHVILLE, MOBILE And All Points South and South-west. | | |
| | | |
| It's DRAWINGS-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express | | |
| Trains, running through to Cincinnati without chance, are | | |
| the most elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this | | |
| country, being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and | | |
| having every modern improvement introduced for the comfort | | |
| of its patrons; running upon the BROAD GUAGE; revealing | | |
| scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and | | |
| rendering a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and | | |
| pleasures of this life not to be forgotten. | | |
| | | |
| By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | | |
| 241, 529 and 957 Broadway, 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | | |
| St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | | |
| St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | | |
| 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | | |
| travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | | |
| all the necessary information. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | | |
| Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | | |
| | | |
| PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | | |
| | | |
| L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO. | | |
| | | |
| With a large and varied experience in the management and | | |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | | |
| with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | | |
| to justify the undertaking, the | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | | |
| | | |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | | |
| | | |
| Presents to the public for approval, the new | | |
| | | |
| ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | | |
| | | |
| WEEKLY PAPER, | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO, | | |
| | | |
| The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | | |
| | | |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | | |
| | | |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | | |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | | |
| day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | | |
| | | |
| Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | | |
| stamps are inclosed. | | |
| | | |
| TERMS: | | |
| | | |
| One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Single copies, 10 | | |
| | | |
| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | | |
| cents. | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | | |
| or paper, price, $2.50 for 5.50 | | |
| | | |
| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | | |
| | | |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | | |
| | | |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | | |
| | | |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, | | |
| | | |
| P.O. Box, 2788, NEW YORK. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| HARPER'S PERIODICALS. | | |
| | | |
| The periodicals which the Harpers publish are almost ideally | | |
| well edited.--_The Nation, N. Y._ | | |
| | | |
| HARPER'S WEEKLY. | | |
| | | |
| The best and most interesting illustrated newspaper. --_N. | | |
| Y. Sun._ | | |
| | | |
| HARPER'S BAZAR. | | |
| | | |
| A REPOSITORY OF FASHION, PLEASURE, AND INSTRUCTION. | | |
| | | |
| The young lady who buys a single number of HARPER'S BAZAR is | | |
| made subscriber for life.--_N. Y. Evening Post._ | | |
| | | |
| HARPER'S MAGAZINE. | | |
| | | |
| The most popular Monthly in the world.--_N. Y. Observer._ | | |
| | | |
| The Best Monthly Periodical, not in this country alone, but | | |
| in the English language.--_The Press_, Phila. | | |
| | | |
| Terms for HARPER'S MAGAZINE, WEEKLY, and BAZAR. | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| Harper's Magazine, One Year $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Harper's Weekly, One Year $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| Harper's Bazar, One Year $4.00 | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| HARPER'S MAGAZINE, HARPER'S WEEKLY, and HARPER'S BAZAR, to | | |
| one address, for one year, $10.00; or any two for $7.00, | | |
| | | |
| Address, HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. | | |
| | | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. | |
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello Vol. 2, No. 28, October 8, | |
1870, by Various | |
*** |