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Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze | |
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. | |
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Vol. 1. No. 22. | |
PUNCHINELLO | |
SATURDAY, AUGUST 27, 1870. | |
PUBLISHED BY THE | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | |
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. | |
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, | |
By ORPHEUS C. KERR, | |
Continued in this Number. | |
[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | |
| | | |
| $47,000 REWARD. | | |
| | | |
| PROCLAMATION. | | |
| | | |
| The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan. | | |
| | | |
| The widow having determined to increase the rewards | | |
| heretofore offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), | | |
| and no result having yet been obtained, and suggestions | | |
| having been made that the rewards were not sufficiently | | |
| distributive or specific, the offers in the previous | | |
| proclamation are hereby superseded by the following: | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and | | |
| conviction of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was | | |
| killed in his house, No. 12 West Twenty-third Street, New | | |
| York, on the morning of Friday, July 29. | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and | | |
| recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt | | |
| Studs which were taken from the clothing of the deceased on | | |
| the night of the murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, | | |
| together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and 1/16 carats, and the other, a | | |
| flat stone, showing nearly a surface of one carat, weighed | | |
| 3/4 and 1/32. All three were mounted in skeleton settings, | | |
| with spiral screws, but the color of the gold, setting of | | |
| the flat diamond was not so dark as the other two. | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and | | |
| recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor | | |
| Hunting-case Stem-winding Watch, No. 6657, 19 lines, or | | |
| about two inches in diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for | | |
| the Chain and Seals thereto attached. The Chain is very | | |
| massive, with square links, and carries a Pendant Chain with | | |
| two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," cut | | |
| thereon. | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to | | |
| the identification and recovery of an old-fashioned | | |
| open-faced Gold Watch, with gold dial, showing rays | | |
| diverging from the center, and with raised figures; believed | | |
| to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at the same | | |
| time as the above articles. | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold | | |
| Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears | | |
| an inscription of presentation not precisely known, but | | |
| believed to be either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the | | |
| Jews' Hospital," or, "To Benjamin Nathan, President of the | | |
| Jews' Hospital." | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete | | |
| detailed information descriptive of this medal, which may be | | |
| useful in securing its recovery. | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to | | |
| the identification of the instrument used in committing the | | |
| murder, which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece | | |
| of wrought iron about sixteen inches long, turned up for | | |
| about an inch at each end, and sharp; such as is used by | | |
| ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, ladder-makers, | | |
| pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their | | |
| flasks. | | |
| | | |
| A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the | | |
| morning of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick | | |
| up a piece of paper lying there, and then walk away with it, | | |
| if he will come forward and produce it. | | |
| | | |
| Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the | | |
| Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New | | |
| York; or to James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer. | | |
| | | |
| A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR. | | |
| | | |
| The foregoing rewards are offered by | | |
| the request of, | | |
| and are guaranteed by me. | | |
| | | |
| Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN, | | |
| Widow of B. NATHAN. | | |
| | | |
| The following reward has also been offered by the New York | | |
| Stock Exchange: | | |
| | | |
| $10,000--The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten | | |
| Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the | | |
| murderer or murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of | | |
| said Exchange, who was killed on the night of July 28, 1870, | | |
| at his house in Twenty-third street, New York City. | | |
| | | |
| J.L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman, Gov. Com. | | |
| D.C. HAYS, Treasurer. | | |
| B.O. WHITE, Secretary. | | |
| MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870. | | |
| | | |
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| TO NEWS-DEALERS. | | |
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| Punchinello's Monthly. | | |
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| The Weekly Numbers for July, | | |
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| ESTABLISHED 1866. | | |
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| Jas R. Nichols, M.D., Wm. J. Rolfe, A.M., Editors | | |
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| Boston Journal of Chemistry. | | |
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Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the | |
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District | |
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. | |
* * * * * | |
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | |
AN ADAPTATION. | |
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. | |
CHAPTER XV. | |
"SPOTTED." | |
When the bell of St. Cow's began ringing for Ritualistic | |
morning-service, with a sound as of some incontinently rambling dun | |
spinster of the lacteal herd--now near at hand in cracked dissonance, as | |
the wind blows hither; now afar, in tinkling distance, as the wind blows | |
hence--MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON was several miles away from Bumsteadville | |
upon his walking-match, with head already bumped like a pineapple, and | |
face curiously swelled, from amateur practice with the Indian Club. | |
Being by that time cold enough for breakfast, and willing to try the | |
virtues of some soothing application to his right eye, which, from a | |
bruise just below it, was nearly closed, the badly banged young man | |
suspended his murderous calisthenics at the door of a rustic hotel, and | |
there entered to secure a wayside meal. | |
The American country "hotel," or half-way house, is, perhaps, one of the | |
most depressing fictions ever encountered by stage-passenger, or | |
pedestrian afield: and depends so exclusively upon the imagination for | |
any earthly distinction from the retired and neglected private hiding-place | |
of some decayed and morbid agricultural family, that only the | |
conventional swing sign-board before the door saves the cognizant mind | |
from a painfully dense confusion. Smelling about equally of eternal | |
wash-day, casual cow-shed, and passing feather-bed, it sustains a lank, | |
middle-aged, gristly man to come out at the same hour every day and | |
grunt unintelligibly at the stage-driver, an expressionless boy in a | |
bandless straw-hat and no shoes to stare blankly from the doorway at | |
the same old pole-horse he has mechanically thus inspected from infancy, | |
and one speckled hen of mature years to poise observingly on single leg | |
at the head of the shapeless black dog asleep at the sunny end of the | |
low wooden stoop. It is the one rural spot on earth where a call for | |
fresh eggs evokes remonstrative and chronic denial; where chickens for | |
dinner are sternly discredited as mere freaks of legendary romance, and | |
an order for a glass of new milk is incredulously answered by a | |
tumblerful of water which tastes of whitewash-brush. Whosoever sleeps | |
there of a night shall be crowded by walls which rub off into a faint | |
feather-bed of the flavor and consistency of geese used whole, and have | |
for his feverish breakfast in the morning a version of broiled ham as | |
racy of attic-salt as the rasher of BACON'S essays. And to him who pays | |
his bill there, ere he straggles weakly forth to repair his shattered | |
health by frenzied flight, shall be given in change such hoary ten-cent | |
shreds of former postal currency as he has not hitherto deemed credible, | |
sticking together in inextricable conglomeration by such fragments of | |
fish-scales as he never before believed could be gathered by handled | |
small-money from palms not sufficiently washed after piscatorial | |
diversion. | |
It was in at a country hotel, then, that the young Southern pedestrian | |
turned for temporary rest and a meal, and pitiless was the | |
cross-examination instituted by the inevitable lank, middle-aged gristly | |
man, before he could reconcile it with his duty as a cautious public | |
character to reveal the treasures of the larder. Those bumps on the | |
head, that swollen eye, and nose, came--did they?--from swinging this | |
here club for exercise. Well, he wanted to know, now! People generally | |
used two of the clubs at once--did they?--but one was enough for a | |
beginner. Well, he _wanted_ to know, now! Could he supply a couple of | |
poached eggs and a cup of milk? No, young man; but a slice of corned | |
pork and a bowl of tea were within the resources of the establishment. | |
When at length upon the road again, the bruised youth resolved to follow | |
a cattle-track "across lots," for the greater space in which to exercise | |
with his Indian club as he walked. Like any other novice in the | |
practice, he could not divest his mind of the impression, that the | |
frightful thumps he continually received, in twirling the merciless | |
thing around and behind his devoted head, were due to some kind of | |
crowding influence from the boundaries on either side the way, and it | |
was to gain relief from such damaging contraction of area that he left | |
the highway for the wider wintry fields. Going onward in these latter at | |
an irregular pace; sometimes momentarily stunned into a rangy stagger by | |
a sounding blow on the cerebrum or the cerebellum; and, again, irritated | |
almost to a run by contusion of shoulder-blade or funny-bone; he finally | |
became aware that two men were following him through the lots, and that | |
with a closeness of attention indicating more than common interest. To | |
the perception of his keenly sensitive Southern nature they at once | |
became ribald Yankee vandals, hoping for unseemly amusement from the | |
detection of some awkwardness in the Indian-club-play of a defeated but | |
not conquered Southern Gentleman; and, in the haughty sectional pride of | |
his contemptuous soul, he indignantly determined to show not the least | |
consciousness of their disrespectful observation. Twirling the club | |
around and around his battered head with increasing velocity, he smiled | |
scornfully to himself, nor deigned a single backward glance at the one | |
of his two followers who approached more rapidly than the other. He | |
heard the hindermost say to the foremost, "Leave him alone, I tell you, | |
and he'll knock himself down in a minute," and, in a passionately | |
reckless effort of sheer bravado to catch the club from one hand with | |
the other while it yet circled swiftly over his skull, he accidentally | |
brought the ungovernable weapon into tremendous contact with the top of | |
his head, and dashed himself violently to the earth. | |
"Didn't I tell you he'd do it?" cried the hindermost of the two | |
strangers, coming up; while the other coolly seated himself upon the | |
prostrated victim. "These here Indian clubs always throw a man if he | |
ain't got muscle in his arms; and this here little Chivalry has got arms | |
like a couple of canes." | |
"Arise from me instantly, fellow. You're sitting upon my breast-pin," | |
exclaimed MONTGOMERY to the person sitting upon him. | |
They suffered him to regain his feet, which he did with extreme hauteur, | |
and surveyed his bumped head and swollen countenance with undisguised | |
wonder. | |
"How dare you treat a Southerner in this way?" continued the young man, | |
his head aching inexpressibly. "I thought the war was over long ago. If | |
money is your object, seek out a citizen of some other section than | |
mine; for the South is out of funds just now, owing to the military | |
outrages of Northern scorpions." | |
"We're constables, Mr. PENDRAGON," was the reply, "and it is our duty to | |
take you back to the main road, where a couple of your friends are | |
waiting for you." | |
Staring from one to the other in speechless wonder at what this fresh | |
outrage upon the down-trodden South could mean, MONTGOMERY allowed them | |
to replace his Indian club in his hand, and conduct him back to the | |
public road; where, to his increased bewilderment, he found Gospeler | |
SIMPSON and the Ritualistic organist. | |
"What is the matter, gentlemen?" he asked, in great agitation: "must I | |
take the oath of Loyalty; or am I required by Yankee philanthropy to | |
marry a negress?" | |
At the sound of his voice, Mr. BUMSTEAD left the shoulder of Mr. | |
SIMPSON, upon which he had been leaning with great weight, and, coming | |
forward in three long skips, deliberately wound his right hand in the | |
speaker's neck-tie. | |
"Where are those nephews--where's that umbrella?" demanded the organist, | |
with considerable ferocity. | |
"Nephews!--umbrella!" gasped the other. | |
"The EDWINS--bone handle," explained Mr. BUMSTEAD, lurching towards his | |
captive. | |
"Mr. MONTGOMERY," interposed the Gospeler, sadly, Mr. DROOD went out | |
with you last night, late, from his estimable uncle's lodgings, and has | |
not been seen since. Where is he?" | |
"He went back into the house again, sir, after I had walked him up and | |
down the road a few times." | |
"Well, then, where's that umbrella?" roared the organist, who seemed | |
quite beside himself with grief and excitement. | |
"Mr. BUMSTEAD, pray be more calm," implored the Reverend OCTAVIUS. | |
"Mr. MONTGOMERY, this agitated gentleman's nephew has been mysteriously | |
missing ever since he went out with you at midnight: also an alpaca | |
umbrella." | |
"Upon my honor, I know nothing of either," ejaculated the unhappy | |
Southerner. | |
Mr. BUMSTEAD, still holding him by the neck-tie, cast a fiery and | |
unsettled glance around at nothing in particular; then ground his teeth | |
audibly, and scowled. | |
"My boy's missing!" he said, hissingly.--"Y'understand?--he's | |
missing.--I must insist upon searching the prisoner." | |
In the presence of Gospeler and constables, and loftily regardless alike | |
of their startled wonder and the young man's protests, the maddened | |
uncle of the lost DROOD deliberately examined all the captive's pockets | |
in succession. In one of them was a penknife, which, after thoughtfully | |
trying it upon his pink nails, he abstractedly placed in his own pocket. | |
Searching next the overwhelmed Southerner's travelling-satchel, he found | |
in it an apple, which he first eyed with marked suspicion, and then bit | |
largely into, as though half expecting to find in it some traces of his | |
nephew. | |
"I'll keep this suspicious fruit," he remarked, with a hollow laugh; | |
and, bearing unreservedly upon the nearer arm of the hapless MONTGOMERY, | |
and eating audibly as he surged onward, he started on the return march | |
for Bumsteadville. | |
Not a word more was spoken until, after a cool Christmas stroll of about | |
eight and a quarter miles, the whole party stood before Judge SWEENEY in | |
the house of the latter. There, when the story had been sorrowfully | |
repeated by the Gospeler, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited the core of the apple, | |
and tickled the magistrate almost into hysterics by whispering very | |
closely in his ear, that it was a core curiously similar to that of the | |
last apple eaten by his nephew; and, having been found in an apple from | |
the prisoner's satchel, might be useful in evidence. Judge SWEENEY | |
wished to know if Mr. PENDRAGON had any political relations, or could | |
influence any votes? and, upon being answered in the negative, eyed the | |
young man sternly, and said that appearances were decidedly against him. | |
He could not exactly commit him to jail without accusation, although the | |
apple-core and his political unimportance subjected him to grave | |
suspicion: but he should hold the Gospeler responsible for the youth's | |
appearance at any time when his presence should be required. Mr. | |
BUMSTEAD, whose eyes were becoming very glassy, then suggested that a | |
handbill should be at once printed and circulated, to the effect that | |
there had been Lost, or Stolen, two Black Alpaca Nephews, about 5 feet 8 | |
inches high, with a bone handle, light eyes and hair, and whalebone | |
ribs; and that if the said EDWIN would return, with a brass ferule | |
slightly worn, the finder should receive earnest thanks, and be seen | |
safely to his home by J. BUMSTEAD. Mr. Gospeler SIMPSON and Judge | |
SWEENEY agreed that a handbill should be issued: but thought it might | |
confuse the public mind if the missing nephew and the lost umbrella were | |
not kept separate. | |
"Has either 'f you gen'l'men ever been 'n Uncle?" asked the Ritualistic | |
organist, with dark intensity. | |
They shook their heads. | |
"_Then,_" said Mr. BUMSTEAD, with great force,--"THEN, gen'l'men, | |
you-knownor-wahritis-to-lose-'n-umbrella!" | |
Before they could decide in their weaker minds what the immediate | |
connection was, he had left them, at a sharp slant, in great | |
intellectual disturbance, and was passing out through the entry-way with | |
both his hands against the wall. | |
Early next morning, while young Mr. PENDRAGON was locked in his room, | |
startled and wretched, the inconsolable uncle of EDWIN DROOD was | |
energetically ransacking every part of Bumsteadville for the missing | |
man. House after house he visited, like some unholy inspector: peering | |
up chimneys, prodding under carpets, and staying a long time in cellars | |
where there was cider. Not a bit of paper or cloth blew along the | |
turnpike but he eagerly picked it up, searched in it with the most | |
anxious care, and finally placed it in his hat. Going to the Pond, with | |
a borrowed hatchet, he cut a bole in the thick ice, lost the hatchet, | |
and, after bathing his head in the water, declared that his alpaca | |
nephew was not there. Finding an antique flask in one of his pockets, he | |
gradually removed all the liquid contents therefrom with a tubular | |
straw, but still could discern no traces of EDWIN DROOD. All the | |
live-long day he prosecuted his researches, to the great discomposure of | |
the populace: and, with whitewash all over the back of his coat, and | |
very dingy hands, had just seated himself at his own fireside in the | |
evening, when Mr. DIBBLE came in. | |
"This is a strange disappearance," said Mr. DIBBLE. | |
"And it was good as new," groaned the organist, with but one eye open. | |
"Almost new!--_what_ was?" | |
"Th'umbrella." | |
"Mr. BUMSTEAD," returned the old man, coldly, "I am not talking of an | |
umbrella, but of Mr. EDWIN." | |
"Yesh, I know," said the uncle. "Awright. I'm li'lle sleepy; tha'sall." | |
"I've just seen my ward, Mr. BUMSTEAD." | |
"'She puerwell, shir?" | |
"She is _not_ pretty well. Nor is Miss PENDRAGON." | |
"I'm vahr' sorry," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, just audibly. | |
"Miss PENDRAGON scorns the thought of any blame for her brother," | |
continued Mr. DIBBLE, eyeing the fire. | |
"It had a bun-bone handle," muttered the other, dreamily. Then, with a | |
momentary brightening--"'scuse me, shir: whah'll y'take?" | |
"Nothing, sir!" was the sharp response. "I'm not at all thirsty. But | |
there is something more to tell you. At the last meeting of my ward and | |
your nephew--just before your dinner here,--they concluded to break | |
their engagement of marriage, for certain good reasons, and thenceforth | |
be only brother and sister to each other." | |
Starting forward in his chair, with partially opened eyes, the | |
white-washed and dingy Mr. BUMSTEAD managed to get off his hat, covering | |
himself with a bandanna handkerchief and innumerable old pieces of paper | |
and cloth, as he did so, from head to foot; made a feeble effort to | |
throw it at the aged lawyer; and then, chair and all, tumbled forward | |
with a crash to the rug, where he lay in a refreshing sleep. | |
(_To be Continued._) | |
* * * * * | |
CHINCAPIN AT LONG BRANCH. | |
A QUAKER friend of mine once observed that he loved the Ocean for its | |
Broad Brim. So do I, but not for that alone. I am partial to it on | |
account of the somewhat extensive facilities it affords for Sea Bathing. | |
Learning to swim, by the way, was my principal Elementary study. I have | |
just returned from taking a plunge in company with many other | |
distinguished persons. How it cools one to rush into the "Boiling Surf." | |
How refreshing to dive Below the Billow. I don't think I could ever have | |
a Surfeit of the Surf, I am so fond of it. Oh! the Sea! the Sea! with | |
its darkly, deeply cerulean--but stop! I am getting out of my depth. | |
Would that I were a poet, that I--But I ain't, so what's the use? | |
As I sat on the verandah of the ------ Hotel the other morning, gazing | |
on the broad expanse of Ocean and wiping the perspiration which trickled | |
from my lofty brow, (the thermometer marked 90 degrees,) I could not | |
help recalling the beautifully appropriate lines of the celebrated bard: | |
"When the sun's perpendicular rays | |
Begin to illumine the Sea, | |
The fishies exclaim in amaze | |
'Confound it! how hot it will be!'" | |
What a pity that the Bathing here has a drawback. I refer, of course, to | |
the Under Tow, which has caused some Untoward accidents. Those who have | |
experienced it, say it is impossible to keep your Feet when caught by | |
the Under Tow. Presence of mind is indispensable in such a case, but, | |
unfortunately, timid swimmers are too apt to lose their Heads as well as | |
their feet. Some of the lady visitors are Beautiful Swimmers, and their | |
Divers Charms excite universal admiration. Many of these fair | |
Amphitrites are so constantly in or on the water that it would hardly be | |
a Fib to call them Amphibious. Their husbands and brothers are, I regret | |
to say, not so much On the Water, preferring something a trifle stronger | |
semi-occasionally, if not oftener. | |
You know what a popular amusement crabbing is here. I seldom indulge in | |
it myself, as I have bad luck, which makes me Crabbed. | |
Our "distinguished guests," as JENKINS would say, are very numerous, and | |
it is truly an edifying sight to see judges, legislators, eminent | |
politicians, and other "Heads of the People" bobbing about in the water | |
together. | |
Some folks don't seem to care what they spend when they come here, and | |
no sooner arrive at the Branch than they Branch out into all sorts of | |
extravagance. There is some superb horseflesh here just now, and the | |
fastest nags may be seen doing their Level best on the Smooth Beach. The | |
Race Track, Grand Stand, &c., are all that the vivid fancy of a | |
PUNCHINELLO can paint them. The bathing costumes! who can do justice to | |
them and their lovely wearers? Some time ago, (as I am informed,) a lady | |
made her appearance on the beach as a Nereid. Did you Ne'er read of the | |
Nereids, Mr. PUNCHINELLO? If you have, you are aware that they were the | |
Sea Nymphs of the Ancients, in other words the Old Maids of the Sea, who | |
never got married, and frequently played Scaly tricks on Mariners. The | |
Nereid referred to was arrayed in pea green and spangles, with green | |
tresses, which is very well known to be the correct costume of a mermaid | |
of antiquity, copied from the latest Paris fashions. This Spritely lady | |
was, however, unprovided with a tail, which was Unmermaidenlike in the | |
Extreme. | |
You know how brilliant the Hops are, so I will Skip them. One thing, | |
however, is worth noting. At some of the Hotels they have a Spread on | |
the carpet before the dancing begins, as well as a supper afterwards. | |
The excellent music of the Hotel bands is Instrumental in drawing crowds | |
of listeners to the Ball rooms. Some Chinese Jugglers gave an | |
entertainment here the other evening, but I didn't go, not being in the | |
Juggler Vein. Yours Reverentially, | |
CHINCAPIN. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: PRUSSIC ACID. | |
"FIFTY DOUSAND FENIANS ARMED MID REPEATERS FOR FRANCE! LET 'EM GO! | |
BEESMARK WILL MAKE DEM NOT COOM PACK TO REPEAT IN DIS GOONDERY NO MORE!"] | |
* * * * * | |
THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. | |
CANTO IV. | |
Little JACK HORNER | |
Sat in a corner. | |
Eating a Christmas Pie: | |
He put in his thumb | |
And pulled out a plum, | |
And said, "What a brave boy am I." | |
In Canto I, I have shown the varied emotions which seized the tender | |
soul of Old Mother HUBBARD'S Dog. Emotions so fierce in their sorrow, | |
that they left not a single wiggle in his tail: his hopes were crushed, | |
his expectations ruined. In Canto II I have pictured the musical | |
propensities of the genus _Cat_, the wandering vagaries of the moon-dane | |
cow, the purp's withering contempt thereat, and the frisky evolutions of | |
the dish which rolled off on its ear. In Canto III I have portrayed the | |
"tender passion" and its melancholy result on the hill-side--a fitting | |
illustration of the fact that the course of true love never did run | |
smooth, especially if there were big rocks to knock one's toes against. | |
And now, in Canto IV, I am about to portray childish innocence in the | |
pursuit of bliss. | |
All things are graded, with the trifling exception of many of our | |
streets. But who cares about this grade of bliss? I don't, and I am sure | |
the poet didn't when he sang the lines at the head of this chapter. | |
Bliss is graded. The old man in Wall street, with white hair and white | |
necktie, and smooth polished tongue, has his degree of bliss when he is | |
engaged in throwing stones at the Apes in the tree-top, that they may | |
return the throw with gold cocoa-nuts. The young lady has her degree of | |
bliss when her waist is entwined by "Dear CHAWLES," who soothes her | |
troubled spirit with the tender melody of "Red as a beet is | |
she,"--alluding to her would-be rival. The nice young man has his degree | |
of bliss when he chews a tooth-pick--poor goose! (not the nice young | |
man, but the fowl which gave the quill,)--and is given a smile by a | |
dark-eyed female in a passing stage. | |
And Infantdom has--But our poet beautifully illustrates this in the | |
stanzas we have quoted. | |
"Little JACK HORNER," | |
says he, with the easy grace of one perfectly familiar with the subject | |
he is to treat; neither frightened at its immensity, nor putting himself | |
in the way of a dilemma by stopping to examine details. Little JACK was | |
the poet's pet because he was the afflicted one of the household, and | |
poets know full well how to sympathize with affliction. Perhaps JACK sat | |
down to dinner next to cross-eyed SUSAN ANN, "by Brother BILL'S gal," | |
and perhaps JACK'S nose was tickled by a little blue-bottle, and that he | |
sneezed right into her soup-plate; and then he was hurried from the | |
table for blowing a fly into SUSAN ANN'S soup! He would lose his dinner. | |
His napkin would miss its accustomed wash! | |
"Shall it be thus? No!" says the poet. "Dry your tears, little JACK, go | |
to the well-stocked pantry, my boy, and get something to eat. The jury | |
will not convict you of stealing, for their verdict will be that you did | |
the deed in self-defence." And he did--go to the closet, and-- | |
"Sat in the corner, | |
Eating a Christmas Pie." | |
See the smiles as they wreathe themselves on his chubby countenance. How | |
little JACK looks at the pie! how he turns it round and round to find | |
the best spot whereon to begin the attack! How he smacks his lips, and | |
thinks how nice it would be if he _could_ wish to give SUSAN ANN a | |
taste! But he can't. | |
Suddenly an idea strikes JACK. He has heard Uncle TOM talk of a big war | |
between Frawnce and Proossia, and all about the soldiers and the cannon, | |
and the big noises. Little JACK will make war on the pie. He will be | |
Frawnce, the pie will be Proossia. He sets it squarely before him on the | |
floor; rolls up his sleeves, may be; his eyes sparkle with | |
determination; he finds the most vulnerable spot in the crust; he makes | |
one bold dive with his thumb, it goes down, down down, crushing | |
everything before it; it feels something; renewed vigor flows through | |
JACK'S veins, and gives him new strength for the attack; victory crowns | |
him; and, in the words of the poet, | |
"He pulled out a plum, | |
And said, 'What a brave boy am I.'" | |
--Now he is happy. He has realized his fondest hopes. The blue-bottle | |
has no tickle for him now. He was Frawnce and he has licked Proossia. | |
There is nothing left but the plate, and his teeth are not hard enough | |
for that. | |
* * * * * | |
"Hooray for the Impurrur!" | |
The ardor with which our Milesian element embraces the cause of France | |
furnishes a puzzle for many thoughtful minds; and yet its solution is | |
simple. In planning a passage of the Rhine, LOUIS NAPOLEON proposes to | |
BRIDGET. That's all. | |
* * * * * | |
A Roland for his Oliver. | |
OLIVER DYER, of the _Sun_, is the original "Dyer Necessity that | |
knows no law." | |
* * * * * | |
OUR PORTFOLIO. | |
And now comes to light another divorce case in Chicago. Mrs. HUGG sues | |
Mr. HUGG for a decree _e vinculo matrimonii_. If there is anything in a | |
name, no one will gainsay the observation that if hugging has lost its | |
charm, Mrs. HUGG is the last person to make a fuss about it. She took | |
her HUGG with a full knowledge of the circumstances, and it is contrary | |
to public policy and good morals that her plea of "hugged out" should | |
enable her to obtain the remedy which she seeks. | |
In France they do not wait for the completion of the years of | |
adolescence to dub a scion of the royal family with the title of "man." | |
The Prince Imperial, prior to his departure for the wars, was presented | |
at Court as the "first gentleman" of France. For a youth of fourteen he | |
is said to have gone through the trying ceremonies with great credit | |
until directed by his mamma to dance with a venerable female of noble | |
blood, just as he was about to lend a beautiful American miss through | |
the mazes of a Schottische. The son of his father took one glance at the | |
ancient dame, and one at the lovely creature beside him, and then set up | |
a right royal blubber of disappointment. | |
"Remember, my son," said EUGENIE, "you are a man now, and men never | |
cry." | |
"Oh! mamma," sighed the afflicted Prince, "let me be a boy again, rather | |
than dance with _cette vieille_ yonder!" | |
Alas! for the ambition of monarchs, who put forward their beardless | |
progeny to do the deeds of men, and to suffer with men's fortitude, when | |
they are more fit to be puling in a nurse's arms, or unravelling silk | |
skeins for some maid of honor. | |
* * * * * | |
THE WATERING PLACES. | |
Punchinello's Vacations. | |
It was hot when Mr. PUNCHINELLO started for Niagara. So hot that no | |
allusions to Fahrenheit would give an idea of the tremendous | |
preponderance of caloric in the atmosphere. The trip was full of | |
discomforts, and there was great danger, at one time, that the train | |
would arrive at Niagara with a load of desiccated bodies. Of course the | |
water all boiled away in the engine-tanks, causing endless stoppages; | |
and of course the hot sun, pouring directly upon the roof of the cars, | |
caused the boards thereof to curl up and twist about in such fantastic | |
fashion, that they afforded no protection whatever to the passengers, | |
who were obliged to resort to sunshades and umbrellas, or get under the | |
seats. Added to this were the facts that the ice-water in the coolers | |
scalded the mouth; the brass-work on the seats blistered the hands; and | |
the empty stoves, almost red-hot from their exposure to the sun, | |
superheated the cars to a degree that was maddening. Added to these was | |
the fact that the intense heat expanded the rails until they were | |
several miles longer than usual, and thus the passengers suffered the | |
tortures of the transit for an increased length of time. | |
When, at last, Mr. P. was conveyed, in a stifling hack, (the fare had | |
risen, under the unusual circumstances, about one hundred and ten | |
degrees,) to a stifling little room under the hot roof of an hotel | |
exposed to the sun on every side, and had taken an extempore Russian | |
bath while changing his linen, and had partaken of a hot dinner, he | |
might have been excused for saying that he would like to cool off a | |
little. | |
Inquiring if there was any stream of water convenient, he was directed | |
to the river Niagara, which runs hard by the hotel. | |
Reaching the banks of the river, Mr. P. was very much pleased by the | |
prospect. There is a considerable depression in the bed of the stream at | |
one point, and the water runs over the rocks quite rapidly, carrying | |
with it such leaves, twigs, steamboats or other objects that may be | |
floating upon its surface. | |
Mr. P. immediately perceived the advantages of this condition of things | |
to a a gentleman suffering from the heat, and procuring a boat, he rowed | |
close to the foot of a cascade formed by the inclination in the bed of | |
the river, and throwing out his anchor, revelled in the luxury of the | |
cool spray and the refreshing sound of the rushing water. | |
[Illustration] | |
Does not this look cool? | |
When sufficiently refreshed, Mr. P. rowed to shore, feeling like another | |
man. With the greatest confidence in its merits, he recommends his plan | |
to those who may be suffering from the summer heat. | |
After breakfast the next morning, Mr. P. set out to see what he could | |
see. He did not engage the services of any hackman or professional | |
guide. | |
He had heard of their extortions, and determined to submit to nothing of | |
the kind. He intended relying entirely upon himself. He walked some | |
distance without meeting with any of the places of interest of which he | |
had heard so much. | |
Meeting at length with a respectable elderly gentleman, Mr. P. inquired | |
of him the way to the Cave of the Winds. | |
"The Cave of the Winds? Ah!" said this worthy person. "You turn to your | |
left here, sir--ah! and then you keep on for about--ah! half a mile, and | |
you will--ah! see a gate--ah! Behind that is a man and the cave--ah!" | |
Mr. P. thanked him and was proceeding on his way, when the worthy | |
citizen touched him on the arm, saying: | |
"Twenty-one dollars, if you please, sir." | |
"Twenty-one dev----developments!" cried Mr. P; "Why, what do you mean?" | |
"Information, sir; fifty cents a word; forty-two words; twenty-one | |
dollars." | |
It must not be supposed that Mr. P. submitted tamely to this outrage, | |
but after a long dispute, it was agreed to refer the matter to the | |
arbitration of three of the principal citizens. They promptly decided | |
that the charge was just and must be paid, but, owing to Mr. P.'s | |
earnest protestations, they agreed to throw out the "ahs," as being of | |
doubtful value as information. The sum thus saved to Mr. P. exactly paid | |
for drinks for the party. | |
Mr. P. now very sensibly concluded that it was about time to leave, if | |
his editors, his printers, and the employes in his pun-factory were to | |
expect any pay that week, and so he set out for home in the evening, | |
taking a shortcut by the way of Montreal. | |
He thought that a day might be very profitably spent here, especially if | |
he could fall in with any of the French-Canadians, of whose | |
peculiarities he had heard so much. The study of human nature was always | |
Mr. P.'s particular forte. | |
On the morning of his arrival, Mr. P. met, in the dining-room of the | |
hotel, a gentleman who was unmistakably a Frenchman, and being in | |
Canada, was probably Canadian. As they were sitting together at the | |
table, Mr. P., having mentally rubbed up his knowledge of the French | |
language, addressed his companion thus: | |
"_Avez-vous le chapeau de mon frere?_" | |
The gentleman thus politely addressed, bowed, smiled, and after a little | |
hesitation answered: | |
"_Non, Monsieur; mais jai le fromage de votre soeur._" | |
"_Eh bien_" said Mr. P., as he scratched his head for a moment. "_Otez | |
vous vos souliers et vos bas?_" | |
The other answered promptly, "_Je n'ote ni les uns ni les autres._" | |
"_Votre pere,_" remarked Mr. P., "_a-t-il la chandelle de votre oncle?_" | |
His companion remained silent for a minute or two, and then he said: | |
"I forget the French of the answer to that, but I know the English of | |
it; it is 'no, sir, but he has the apples-of-the-ground-of-sugar of my | |
mother-in-law.'" | |
When Mr. P. discovered, after a little conversation in the vernacular, | |
that his companion was a New York dry-goods clerk, he gave up the study | |
of the French-Canadian character and went on with his breakfast. | |
When he went out into the streets to see the lions of the city he was | |
delighted to meet with some old friends. In company with them he visited | |
the Government House; the Cathedral; the Statue of NELSON; the VICTORIA | |
bridge; and everything else of interest in the place. But nothing was so | |
delightful to him as the faces of these old friends, from whom he had | |
been separated so long. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: When, at last, they left him, he returned sadly to New | |
York.] | |
* * * * * | |
IDIOTIC ITEMS. | |
On Tuesday last one of the swans in Central Park laid a hen's egg. | |
A celebrated English professor of heraldry is now at Long Branch, | |
studying the crests of the waves. | |
Dr. LIVINGSTONE is no longer a white man. The large colored princess | |
whom he has been compelled to marry has beaten him black and blue. | |
Louis NAPOLEON'S first bulletin about the war was the bullet in the | |
pocket of NAP Junior. | |
An intelligent cordwainer of this city has invented a bathing shoe to | |
fit the under-toe at Long Branch. | |
The lock of the writing-desk made with his own hands by LOUIS NAPOLEON, | |
at Hoboken, has been presented to the Empress EUGENIE by a gentleman | |
residing at Union Hill, in exchange for a lock of her Majesty's hair. | |
Yesterday, while three eminent Wall street brokers--names, BROWN, JONES, | |
and ROBINSON--were engaged in watering stock, they fell in and were | |
drowned. Loss fully covered by insurance. | |
CARL FORMES is oddly reported to have lost his Bass voice through over | |
indulgence in lager-beer. He drank a barrel of beer a day, and his voice | |
has now become a barrel organ. | |
In France the _Marseillaise_ has become the national Him; while, in | |
Prussia, BISMARCK is decidedly the national Herr. | |
A French paper has an article respecting certain musical fishes found in | |
the Indian Seas, They ought to be engaged for PIKE'S Opera House. | |
The annual panther, weighing 8 ft., 9 inches, from snout to tip of tail, | |
and measuring 213 lbs., has just been killed in the Adirondacks by a | |
reporter. | |
* * * * * | |
POLITICAL CLAPTRAP. | |
The sympathy exhibited by the _Sun_ reporters and editors for the | |
unhappy victim of Ogre Tammany is particularly touching. | |
Association with the Wickedest Man in New York, the Honorable JOHN | |
ALLEN, _protege_ of the Reverend OLIVER DYER, has evidently demoralized | |
the pure beings who control the immaculate sheet known as the _Sun_, | |
whose putrescent light "shines for all." | |
These panders to the depraved taste of a depraved portion of the | |
community, may exult in the spectacle presented in the City of New York | |
on Sunday, the 7th inst., but is it not a sorrowful thing in a so-called | |
Christian land to see a murderer borne with triumph to his grave, while | |
pseudo philanthropists deck his bier with flowers, and deliberately | |
charge a great political party with having hunted the wretched man to | |
his death? | |
Was there no nobler game worth the killing by Tammany? Was there not a | |
"stag of Ten" to be found, to be struck, if party necessities required | |
it? Would OAKEY HALL and PETER B. SWEENY put such a slight upon these | |
bastard allies of the O'BRIENS and MORRISSEYS whose columns are open to | |
the highest bidder, and whose lips reek venom while their hands are ever | |
ready to strike a victim in the back, as to pass them by while they were | |
on the war-path? | |
But hold--perhaps we have a clue to this singular conduct of the Tammany | |
warriors. They may have foreseen how apt the sweet people are to confer | |
immortality upon those whose death becomes them better than their life, | |
and therefore wisely forebore to disturb those blissful with murderers | |
and felons which seem to bind the Satellites of the _Sun_ and the | |
denizens of the Tombs together. | |
* * * * * | |
SUMMER ON THE CATSKILLS, | |
BY REGALIA REYNA. | |
I. | |
O thou Mount Katskill! whom I now survey | |
In roseate brightness of the new-born day, | |
To thee my thankfulness I would convey, | |
For self and crowd; | |
Who from the glare and hum of hot | |
Financial lives, | |
Have sought repose upon thy wondrous crest, and | |
Brought our wives-- | |
I gaze upon thy placid brow, where storms do | |
Reckless rage, | |
Forgetful of the storms of life, and Mister | |
BEACH's stage. | |
II. | |
I gaze upon thy beauteous vistas | |
Far and wide; | |
I see the day-break beautifully paint thy | |
Rugged side: | |
I see AURORA show the panorama | |
Night did hide: | |
I see the lazy Hudson grad-u- | |
Ally glide, | |
Reluctant to abandon thee, and seek | |
The salt sea tide. | |
I think almost excusingly of that tough | |
Two dollar ride; | |
And only for my wallet's sake, I longer | |
Would abide. | |
III. | |
Nature has kindly gifted thee with meadow, | |
Lake and dell, | |
And for the Falls of Kauterskill I know no | |
Parallel: | |
Humanity has crowned thee with this festive | |
Gay Hotel, | |
Where Fame and Fashion eager wait to hear | |
Thy dinner bell: | |
O Mount! O view! thy beauties now I can no | |
Longer tell, | |
For, after breakfast, I must say--O Katskill! | |
Fare thee well! | |
And leave thee--in one of those abominable stages, | |
"which I wish it" | |
Was in H------eaven! | |
* * * * * | |
Extraordinary Ledger-demain. | |
The Soldiers' Monument at Cambridge is the result of the combined | |
efforts of CYRUS and DARIUS COBB, whereas, SYLVANUS, alone and | |
unassisted, is able to raise, every week, a tall column on the surface | |
of the _N.Y. Ledger._ | |
* * * * * | |
Censor of the Press. | |
The unfortunate official who sought reliable information, the other day, | |
respecting the age and immense property possessions of PUNCHINELLO, on | |
comparing his notes subsequently, remarked to a friend that he felt as | |
if he had temporarily lost his Census. | |
* * * * * | |
Appropriate. | |
DANA, of the _Sun_, is about to open an undertaker's establishment for | |
the arrangement of murderer's obsequies. Motto--"Pinking done here." | |
* * * * * | |
The Wrong Mouth. | |
A LITTLE Fourth-of-Julyer in Pittsburgh, going along with his mouth | |
open, (after the manner of boys), caught a fire-cracker therein, just as | |
the cracker was going off. He had often had crackers in his mouth, but | |
preceding ones had proved nourishing and non-explosive; whereas, this | |
cracker was quite the reverse. As a consequence, the boy has lost his | |
voice, but (what is curious, certainly,) is otherwise all sound. | |
Were we certain that heaving a fire-cracker into an open mouth would | |
always produce such a result, we should certainly hire some one to shut | |
up the noisier of our public nuisances--such as G.F. TRAIN, and several | |
members of Congress. This could be easily done, as their mouths are | |
always open, and usually are very large ones. We invite proposals from | |
boys, relating to next season's operations. | |
* * * * * | |
Theft Extraordinary. | |
A weekly journal gravely informs a correspondent that "the line, 'A | |
thing of beauty is a joy forever,' occurs in TUPPER's _Proverbial | |
Philosophy_." | |
Shades of the poets! More than fifty years ago, JOHN KEATS commenced a | |
poem called "Endymion," with that very line. To think that he should | |
have gone and borrowed it from TUPPER! | |
* * * * * | |
Politician's Plant. | |
See WEED. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: | |
THE LATEST MELODRAMATIC DODGE OF A PLAYED-OUT POLITICIAN. | |
PROMPTER DANA, OF THE "SUN," GIVES THE CUE TO A _REAL_ SKELETON.] | |
* * * * * | |
Conversion of the "Sun." | |
It was said of Bishop COLENSO that he "undertook to convert a Zulu | |
Kaffir, but the Z. K. converted him." | |
Such a circumstance may be fallen upon without going so far as Africa to | |
seek for it. JOHN ALLEN, of Water Street, was, once upon a time, the | |
Zulu Kaffir of DANA of the _Sun_ and his fascinating Satellite, OLIVER | |
DYER. | |
The ways of JOHN ALLEN were very wicked when these pious | |
missionaries threw themselves upon his trail, and tried to convert him. | |
Perhaps the reformatory effort was well meant; but, alas! for the | |
feebleness of all human arrangements--JOHN ALLEN remains the reprobate | |
he was, while he to his flock has brought DANA, the _Sun_ man, and DYER, | |
the Satellite man, converts to the Allenian theory that money made from | |
dirt is the only healthful stimulant to virtuous toil. | |
And so it was that DANA the devout, and DYER the saintly, went forth to | |
convert the Zulu Kaffir of Water Street, and the Z. F. converted them. | |
* * * * * | |
Ready for Another Heat. | |
The horses of PHOEBUS. | |
* * * * * | |
A Royal Game. | |
The ex-queen of Spain fears that ALFONSO will be "euchred." She remarked | |
to him recently, Play you're king. | |
* * * * * | |
CONTEMPORARY SENTIMENTS, | |
On the Great War Question. | |
"WILLIAM'S my man!" cries one enthusiast,-- | |
"He'll be in Paris, _sure_, within ten days!" | |
"'Paris' your Granny!" cries one just as fast; | |
"'Ere that, man! you'll see Berlin in a blaze!" | |
"France has the finest soldiers ever seen!" | |
Says one who knows; "they never can be beat!" | |
One who knows also, says, "the French are green! | |
Their only real strength is in their fleet!" | |
"Oh, hang their fleet!" exclaims another man; | |
"It's useless now,--it has no work to do! | |
But let France use her navy all she can, | |
You'll see if Prussia doesn't put her through!" | |
"Prussia ain't able!" cries an eager one: | |
"Let her drink all the lager in her shops, | |
She'll find the little job is not yet done, | |
For all there's such enormous strength in hops!" | |
"And if there's any danger comes to France," | |
Remarks the seventh man, "_Ireland_ will arise!" | |
"And if she does, old England will advance!" | |
The eighth (an Englishman,) with pride replies. | |
And so they have it hot, for half a day,-- | |
First A., then B., then C. and D. at once, | |
And thus the precious moments roll away, | |
And none can tell who is the greatest dunce. | |
* * * * * | |
The Aldermen to their Dinner. | |
Gorge us! | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: THE OVATION OF MURDER. | |
_The Devil, (soliloquizing.)_ "NEW YORK'S THE PLACE FOR ME! THIS IS WHAT | |
I CALL _REAL_ ENJOYMENT--A MURDERER'S FUNERAL PROCESSION GRANDER FAR | |
THAN THAT OF ANY GREAT AND GOOD CITIZEN, AND THIS IN A CITY OF | |
SUNDAY-SCHOOLS AND CHURCHES!". _(The Devil's Walk: Sunday, August 7, | |
1870.)_] | |
* * * * * | |
HIRAM GREEN AT THE FEMALE CONVENTION. | |
The Cardiff Giant and other Fossils at Saratoga. | |
"Duble, duble, heaps of truble, | |
Wimmen's rites will bust the bubble." | |
SHAKESPEAR. (WM.) | |
The wolves in sheeps clothin' convenshed agin for an annual rippin' up | |
of things, at Saratogy. | |
The undersined, in custody of the undersined's wife, who is a | |
Hicockalormn of the Skeensboro Sore-eye-sisses, was present at the | |
singin' of the above selection from the defunct bard. | |
Male and femail wimmen was there dressed emblamatical of their callin'. | |
"Black folks and white | |
With red hair and gray, | |
Mingled for a fite | |
In Sar-a-to-ga." SHAKESPEAR & GREEN. | |
SOOZAN B. ANTHENY was scrumpshusly ragged out in broad-cloth. | |
A turkish towellin' vest-pattent lether butes and silk hat, completed | |
her _Toot in cymbals_. | |
ERNEST L. ROZE wore a nobby scotch cassimer soot. She carried a cane and | |
wore her hair parted in the middle. | |
Mrs. RUBE PHENTON--MARTHY WRITE--O'LIMPING BROWN--SARY FILLEO--Mrs. | |
DEXTER NOLTON--LILLY DEVERS BLAKE--SARY HALLEK--FEBEE CAREY, and other | |
prominent Fireside agitaters and Herthstun depopulaters, were becominly | |
araid, and did gustise to their tailors. | |
PHREDRICK DOUGLIS, a firey broonet from Rochester, looked bewitchin' in | |
a _more anteek_ silk dress. | |
A camels hair overskirt hung grasefully over his loins. Peepin' out from | |
beneath his robes, was a delicate little foot, encased in a flesh | |
cullered pair of No. 11 buckskin mocasins. | |
His hair was done up in a 2 bushel waterfall, and was frizzled all over, | |
_a lar Ethiope_. | |
EDWIN A. STUDWELL, of Brooklyn, looked stunnin' in a granny Dean walkin' | |
dress and red cotton umbreller. | |
His back hair was tempestously arranged. | |
A couple of bolony sassiges, in a hily chawed up state, hung pendent | |
from the aft of his gorgeous waterfall, and dangled to his heels, _a lar | |
cheapee John_, | |
When approached by that great captivater of susseptible hearts (?) | |
SOOZAN B. ANTHENY, ED blushed like a red-headed woodpecker, and hid his | |
modesty behind a $4.00 palm leaf fan. | |
STEVE GRISWOLD, DAN KETCHAM and a few other manikins, was dressed | |
accordin' to the prevailin' fashions of the feminin sects. | |
A good cleen shave would have completed their disgize, and folks | |
woulden't have had a suspicion but what they was what they was actin' to | |
be. | |
I was shocked to hear one audacious retch remark: | |
"Them chaps look like a lot of hen-peckt broken furniture." | |
"Come, sisters, cheer we up his sprites | |
And show the best of femail spites, | |
So teach that horrid critter, man, | |
We'll swaller him hul, when ere we can." 1ST WITCH. | |
SOOZAN B. was elected chairman. | |
On takin' her seat she said: | |
"My femail friends by birth, and my femail friends by brevet;" | |
"We have convenshed for the purpuss of having our rites redressed----" | |
A voice: "Haden't you better go home and redress yourselves first?" | |
The whole convention was onto their feet in a second, while the chairman | |
fell into her seet and regained her composure, by takin' a good helthy | |
pinch of scotch snuff. | |
Quiet bein' restored, a Mrs. GAGE riz to her feet, and, removin' a chew | |
of tobacker from her mouth, read the follerin' resolutions: | |
Whereas: 2 National Wimmen's Suffrage Circus are industrously plyin' | |
their vocation. | |
Whereas: A effort is afoot to jine 'em together under the same tent. | |
Now be it resolved: We don't perceeve it in them sunbeams. The New York | |
State Suffrage Circus is able to paddle her own stone bote. Bosting to | |
the contrary not-with-out-standin'-up. | |
Resolved finally: We is the original JACOBS, and if Bosting don't like | |
the cut of our Jib, let her lump it. | |
(Grate applaws.) | |
A strange lookin' woman, who wore a swaller tail cote, red the follerin | |
resolutions: | |
Whereas: Woman has a spear, it hain't to cook vittles--darn | |
stockin's--tend baby and try to make her husbin happy. | |
Whereas: Man is a brute--woman an angle. Man can vote--woman can't. | |
Resolved: That as long as man won't give us the ballit, that after Jan., | |
1871, every mail brat that comes squawkin' into the world, be smothered | |
the minnit he is borned. | |
Resolved: That when the mail rase is extinguished, the superior critter, | |
woman, take peaceable possession of the ballit box. | |
These resolutions was vociferously cheered, Mrs. GREEN becomin' so | |
exsited that she whacked me over the head with her parasol in a most | |
ongentlemanly manner. | |
(N.B.--I would heer state that I'me a Resistanter agin femail suffrage. | |
Give woman the 16th Commendment and we can cry "peece" ontil our | |
wind-pipes are collored, but not a darned bit of peece will we git, | |
except occashunly a peece is nockt off of our snoot, for refusin' to get | |
up early Monday mornin's to do the washin'.) | |
At the above juncture of the proceedin's, the Cardiff Jiant, who is | |
spendin' the summer at this selebrated waterin' place, entered the room. | |
The old feller had heard of this grate Fossil Convenshun. | |
As the distinguished fraud entered the room, cheers filled the air. | |
Members in exstasy jumped up onto the benches--stood on their | |
heads--threw their false teeth all about the floor, and acted like a lot | |
of Rocky Mountain injuns, chock full of New England rum. | |
Silents was restored by tossin' a live man to the exsited Amazons, whom | |
they tore to peeces, partly satisfyin' their cravin' appetites. | |
Old GIPSUM then _oratoricised_ as viz.: | |
"Feller Fossils: This is indeed the most momentous event I've attended | |
since I left Onondagar. | |
"When COTTON MATHER came over in the Grate Eastern, he sent out a dove to | |
see if the Pilgrims, would allow her to pick any flowers off of Plymouth | |
Rock. | |
"What was the result of that experiment? | |
"Why, the dove coulden't find any rest for the soul of her shoo; for | |
Plymouth Rocks were thicker than Cardiff Jiants. That base man, BARNUM, | |
had taken plaster casts of the old rock, and there wasen't a town along | |
the coast, but what had its 'original Plymouth Rock.' | |
"The dove, not bein' a good judge of genuine stuns, made her "Shoo fly" | |
back to the old ark, and told her tail. Therefore, I ask as a personal | |
favor, seein' that BARNUM sarved me same's he did old Plymouth Rock, | |
that when this august assemblage of Fossilized human bein's comes down | |
onto the mail portion of the U. States, old P.T. be turned over to us. | |
I'le make him think he's got straddle his wooly hoss, and an army of | |
mermades was after him with red hot pitchforks. | |
"Grant me this favor, and when the fite of the Amazons begins, you can | |
count on me to hold your bonnets." | |
Amid tremenjus applaus old Fort Dodger squatted. | |
Letters were then read from the Cohoes Mastodon--ARTEMAS WARD'S wax | |
figgers--the wooly hoss--a miselaneous lot of Egipshun Mummies, and | |
THEODOR TILTIN--regrettin' their inability to attend the Fossil | |
Convention. | |
HORRIS GREELY was then anathemized, BEN BUTLER--Senator WILSON--and GEO. | |
FRANCIS TRAIN Ulogized. | |
Resolutions were offered that Congressman MORRISEY be pulverized, by | |
some talented femail startin' a opposition club house, employin' none | |
but Tigers of the gentle sects. | |
After a few more summer complaint speeches agin that Horrible! | |
Bloodthirsty! 2 legged Monkster, MAN!! the annual Hen convention of | |
Antideluvian Fossils tide up their bonnet strings--took their husbans | |
under their off arm--walked down to Congress Spring. | |
The witches who dipp up the mineral fluid danced about the cauldron, | |
while the President of the company spyin' the Femails approachin' | |
remarked: | |
"By the prickin' of my thumb | |
Somethin' wicked this way comes." | |
The above, Friend PUNCHINELLO, was as seen by, | |
Ewers faithfully, | |
HIRAM GREEN, | |
_Lait Gustise of the Peece_. | |
* * * * * | |
Birds of Passage. | |
The African ostrich is sometimes trained to carry passengers on his | |
back, but the player of "our national game" is often seen "going out on | |
a Foul." | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: A VERY NECESSARY PRECAUTION.] | |
* * * * * | |
BLOCKS AND BLOCKHEADS. | |
Mr. Punchinello: As the acknowledged redresser of American wrongs and | |
the enemy of public nuisances, we beg your attention to a vice which | |
seems to be upon the increase, and which grows in strength with what it | |
feeds upon. As the vice in question appears to be upon the increase, and | |
to fascinate its victims by the allurements of the excitement, we | |
consider it worthy of PUNCHINELLO'S lance, or, in other words, of being | |
transfixed upon PUNCHINELLO'S quill. | |
We refer to the loafing which invariably takes place upon the occasion | |
of the relaying of the wooden pavement. I say wooden more particularly, | |
inasmuch as new fangled varieties of pavement, such as Concrete, | |
Nicholson, etc., although they have their day, cannot be said to compete | |
for a moment in public regard with the good old fashioned kind first | |
described. | |
Of all the causes that arrest public attention, surely this laying of | |
wooden pavement is the most enduring and effectual. | |
People of every grade and degree make a dead halt as they approach this | |
centre of interest, and at once settle down for a prolonged inspection | |
of the works before them. It is true that everybody has seen the same | |
thing one hundred and fifty times, but this description of indulgence | |
appears to grow by what it feeds upon, and the fascinated victim watches | |
the operation of the workers with a gratification which knows no | |
abatement. The usual formula gone through upon these occasions is as | |
follows: | |
Citizen approaches the scene of interest, and sees crowds of spectators | |
upon each side; he glances at the workmen, and, after taking stock of | |
both them and the overseer, proceeds to read the opinion of his fellows | |
in their faces, after which he settles down in right earnest with his | |
hands in his pockets for a prolonged stare. This latter may continue for | |
periods varying from ten minutes to an hour and three quarters, | |
according to inclination or opportunity. | |
If the spectator is a man of business, it is just possible that he may | |
content himself with measuring the size of the blocks with his eye, and | |
then pass on, content to know that he, as one out of many taxpayers, is | |
getting the value of what they are called on to pay for. But with the | |
mass of the onlookers, the pouring of the hot pitch into the gravelled | |
interstices is watched with a satisfaction ever new, like that bestowed | |
in the pantomime upon the application by the clown of the red-hot poker. | |
There is also the pleasure of seeing others at hard work, and the | |
indulgence of everybody's belief (which is common to all present,) that | |
he or she could suggest an improvement upon the work proceeding, and the | |
manner of doing it. Then they look at each other once more and depart | |
contented. | |
Upon a moderate calculation, the amount of time devoted by human beings | |
to this amusing study, in the City of New York, amounts to 2,450,000 | |
hours per annum. | |
* * * * * | |
ENGLAND'S QUANDARY. | |
Conjecture and expectancy, O PUNCHINELLO! have been the order of the day | |
in this European turmoil, with regard to the position of what are called | |
neutral Powers. People have been looking at England with much curiosity | |
to see what she really does intend. With the facilities which our | |
_special wire_ affords, I am enabled to report a highly interesting | |
soliloquy delivered by the Rt. Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE, to his bed-post, at | |
his home in Spring Gardens, London, after a hot night's debate at St. | |
STEPHEN'S. Our reporter concealed himself in the key-hole and took | |
_verbatim_ notes. As in the case of the speeches delivered by the rival | |
monarchs to their armies, which you published a week in advance of the | |
speeches themselves, the following can be relied on: | |
"I'm tired of answering questions. Let me think awhile. Is war the only | |
alternative? They blame me for not talking out. Fools, they don't know | |
where they stand. At home and abroad, difficulty. Our workmen | |
emigrating; the Irish irreconcilable, (curse that word!) nothing | |
cheerful that side. | |
"France can rock _her_ irreconcilables to sleep to the war lullaby of | |
that man we have so trusted only to betray us; _our_ irreconcilables | |
only wait for war to side with our enemy. Prussia, grasping bull-dog as | |
she is, makes capital out of it, and calls us to her side, while our | |
stupid people burn with a Prussian fever, which may turn to a plague | |
to-morrow. | |
"Is the Prussian whom we have helped to humble to be our only ally? Then | |
must we write ourselves down asses in Constantinople. | |
"If we had some other head besides weather-cock expediency. France has | |
an Emperor, Prussia a King to lead them; we have a Queen who takes walks | |
in the Isle of Wight; and her son--bah! a _roue_ about town. Their | |
marriage alliances are drag-chains, not bonds of love. Denmark does not | |
forget our treachery in '65. Holland is afraid of France. We are safe | |
from America yet. They are too much afraid of the German vote, thank | |
Heaven, to side with France, but "Alabama" is her watchword, and she | |
only waits to strangle us. LAFAYETTE and the Hessians are only memories, | |
they have no votes. Ah! it was a mistake to sympathize with the South. | |
"Our statesmen--Heaven save the mark!--are our worst enemies. D'ISRAELI, | |
the Jew, doubles our difficulty by showing our weakness. He would play | |
the part of PITT without his brains or his chances. Then we led, now we | |
are dragged at the tail. We may sign treaties, but we cannot write them. | |
BRIGHT would be friendly with both; GRANVILLE with neither, and thus | |
each is offended. It is ridiculous, and the only course left is to | |
bluster about Belgium. | |
"It must be the late dinner. There are all sorts of threatening shadows | |
around, and but one light; that is a war flame. Let me sleep. To-morrow | |
the gaping thousands will ask a sign. It may come, but it shall be | |
hoisted on the Rhine, and, helpless tide waiters, we cannot tell from | |
which side it shall come. Ah! 'Uneasy sits the man on the ministerial | |
bench,' as SHAKESPEARE would say to-day, for the crown that he spoke of | |
is an ornament in the tower." | |
REPORTER | |
* * * * * | |
Magnetic | |
Polish soldiers should choose the needle gun. The needle is always | |
true to the Pole. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: A CAPITAL HINT FOR OUR STATIONARY STREET MUSICIANS, IF | |
THEY WANT TO MAKE MONEY. ] | |
* * * * * | |
THE LEAVEN OF LEAVENWORTH. | |
The great West has long been famous for the loose, untrammelled freedom | |
with which its inhabitants treat everything and everybody. Breadth, no | |
less than length, is a striking feature of Western settlements, and that | |
this element is conspicuous in the journalism of those singular abodes, | |
no less than in the social life of their inhabitants, generally, is | |
evidenced in the following advertisement cut from "_The Times_"--a paper | |
published at Leavenworth, Kansas: | |
"NOTICE TO DRIVERS OF FAST STOCK.--Hold your horses and do not drive so | |
fast. All gay and festive cusses caught driving faster than ordinary | |
gait in the city, will be brought before Judge Vaughan, for instance--the | |
fine is $20. | |
H. A. ROBERTSON, City Marshal." | |
The City Marshal of Leavenworth is clearly a pot-companion of the first | |
(whiskey and) water. He declines to address his fellow-citizens in the | |
commonplace terms usually recognised in more prosaic communities. To | |
adopt his own style of phraseology, ROBERTSON is clearly a "gay and | |
festive cuss." He is a specimen brick from Kansas, and doubtless always | |
carries one in his hat. The expression "ordinary gait," as applied to | |
driving in Kansas, where everybody owns "fast stock," is rather | |
equivocal in these quieter latitudes to be sure, but we may guess that, | |
at Leavenworth, a man who rides or drives at a pace of twenty miles an | |
hour, is liable, "for instance," to a fine of $20, or just one dollar | |
per mile. Kansas maybe a very nice place to live in, for some people, | |
but we would hardly recommend Mr. ROBERT BONNER to emigrate thither, and | |
so risk the probability of being advertised as a "gay and festive cuss." | |
* * * * * | |
SHIP AHOY! | |
Of all public performers, there are none who "draw" better than the | |
gymnasts who risk their necks by attempting hazardous feats. The fool | |
who attaches himself by the heels to the car of an ascending balloon is | |
sure to have thousands of feeble-minded females waving handkerchiefs at | |
him. BLONDIN, the great French tomfool, brought more people to Niagara | |
Falls to see him, possibly, add a new Fall to the prospect, than ever | |
the Falls themselves did. And when another donkey announces that he is | |
going to stand upon his head on the point of a church spire, that church | |
is sure to be thronged--outside. These performances, and all of their | |
sort, should be made punishable, and will probably be so when a hundred | |
or two performers shall have been killed, in addition to those who have | |
already suffered. | |
Not nearly so exciting as performances of the kind referred to, though, | |
perhaps, quite as rash, are the ocean voyages occasionally essayed by | |
tiny, toy ships. One of these--the _Red, White and Blue_--is announced | |
as about to start upon a "voyage round the world." We wish her our best | |
wishes, and hope she may get round in the roundest way and time. One of | |
her first stopping places, though, as we see, is Martha's Vineyard. Our | |
advice to the skipper of the toy ship, is to go no further than that | |
delightful haven of rest. MARTHA. will cherish her as a chimney | |
ornament, or give her to her kids to play with--and nobody will be hurt. | |
* * * * * | |
Two Renderings. | |
_Finis coronat opus:_--The end crowns the work. | |
_Finis coroner opus:_--There is plenty of work for the Coroner, but | |
the "end" does not always appear to be gained. | |
All of which is respectfully submitted to the investigators of murder | |
in this city. | |
* * * * * | |
The Modern Monks of La Trappe. | |
The Coroner, the Assistant District-Attorney, and certain other | |
officials who have been trying the "trap" game on the witnesses examined | |
in the NATHAN murder case. | |
* * * * * | |
Results of Silver Stock. | |
1. The dream is ore. | |
2. Never mined. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE. ] | |
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. | |
_Englishman, London._--You have lost your wager. Ohio is not the capital | |
of Indiana. | |
_Stranger, New York City._--When you get lost in our streets and do not | |
know where you are, it is a good plan to seek information from a | |
policeman. If he does not know where you are, come directly to the | |
office of PUNCHINELLO. | |
_Antiquary._--"The Last of the Barons" was a term applied to an | |
implement used by the ancient shoemakers. The pedal members of the old | |
English barons were of a peculiar aristocratic conformation, and lasts | |
were made expressly for them. This is a curious fact not generally | |
known. | |
_Ploughboy_ finds the following remark in Mr. GREELEY'S thirtieth What, | |
and asks explanation. | |
"So with regard to Carrots. I have never achieved success in growing | |
these nor Beets." | |
We infer that the meaning is, With regard to carrots, sow them. "These | |
nor Beets" are probably a new variety. They may have come from Norfolk, | |
but more "presumably" they were found in Alaska. | |
_Metaphysician, Cloudland._--Your article on the "Psychical Basis of | |
Objective Existence" is excellent. Look out for it in the "Juvenile | |
Department" of our Christmas number. | |
_Grammarian._--The expression "We ain't got none" is manifestly | |
incorrect. It has two negatives. "We ain't got any" is by far more | |
elegant. | |
_Wager_ says that A. made a bet with B. that he could cut a dime in two | |
at one stroke of his pen-knife, C. to hold the stakes. A. took a | |
ten-cent "scrip" and chopped it in two with his blade. Meantime C. | |
walked away with the stake money. Who won? _Answer._--The bet is off. C. | |
is also off, but no better, and neither A. or B. is any better off. | |
* * * * * | |
[Illustration: NOTES ON THE FERRY. | |
_Gushington, (with the pipe.)_ "SHE SMILED ON ONE OF US, I'LL SWEAR." | |
_Spindle_. "PERHAPS; BUT WHAT'S A SMILE? A POSITIVE NOD FOR ME, OR | |
NOTHING!"] | |
* * * * * | |
AERATED VERBIAGE. | |
An Every-day Romance. | |
CHAPTER I. | |
In a room in a palatial tenement house in Avenue D, stood GILBERT | |
FERNANDE FROU FROU SNOGGS. G.F.F.F.S. was rampant. | |
"Why?" you say. | |
Gentle reader, hurry me not. Let the tale wag on. She was talking to her | |
mamma. | |
"Now," said G.F.F.F.S., "I prognosticated that my maternal relative | |
would become oblivions of my reiterated solicitations to perambulate the | |
Avenue, and make the acquisition of four yards of cerulean hued ribbon," | |
and she stamped her tiny number eights on the floor. | |
You will notice that, even in her anger, she did not forget her English. | |
"You can purchase it on the morrow," replied her mamma. | |
"I will not remain acquiescent. I will promenade upon my profluence to | |
Sixth Avenue, and purchase the ceruleous ribbon immediately," said | |
G.F.F.F.S., putting on her waterproof and sun-bonnet. | |
Her mother pointed to the paternal turnip, which hung over the mantel, | |
and showed her that old Time was "doing stunts" at 10-1/2. | |
But G.F.F.F.S. was obstinate. She put on her chignon, her curls, her | |
breast elevator, her bustle, her high-heeled shoes, a little rouge, a | |
little whiting and a bit of court-plaster, and sallied forth, down the | |
dumb-waiter to the cellar, and thence, through the ash-hole, to the | |
street. | |
CHAPTER II. | |
The deed was done!!! The purchase was made find G.F.F.F.S. walked | |
towards her palatial paternal mansion. She felt slightly timid, for, as | |
she looked at the heavens, she saw that ARCTURUS, who had been playing | |
tag with CASTOR and POLLUX all the evening, had reached hunk, the Great | |
Bear. From the astronomical knowledge which she had acquired at the | |
Vavasour Female Academy, she knew that the paternal turnip now pointed | |
to the witching hour of 11-1/2. | |
Suddenly she found herself surrounded by a party of bandits, (she | |
thought she was in Greece, but she was only in the 19th Ward.) | |
They seized her. | |
"Not a word," said the leader. "Your money or your life." | |
Now G.F.F.F.S. had lots of life and very little money, so she could | |
hardly determine whether to give up some of her life or all of her | |
money. | |
"Illustrious banditti," said she, "the auriferous contents of my | |
reticulated depository are notable for minuteness. Be conservators of my | |
pullulating existence." | |
"I say, TOM," said the leader, "what's her little game?" | |
"It sounds like Irish," said TOM. | |
"Hand over your stamps," said the leader. | |
G.F.F.F.S. slowly drew out her net purse, when suddenly the robbers | |
fled. G.F.F.F.S. felt that her hero had come, and, like all the | |
ARAMINTAS in the novels, she fainted and was caught in the arms of-- | |
CHAPTER III. | |
The author tried to persuade the editor to allow him to write "to be | |
continued" after the last thrilling chapter, but the editor was | |
inexorable, hence this chapter, "in the arms of"--a little red-headed | |
policeman. | |
G.F.F.F.S. smiled gently, but, as soon as she had opened her eyes, and | |
had cast them on the red head, freckled face, pug-nose, and little eyes | |
of MIKE MCFLYNN, she sprang to her feet. It was better than forty | |
gallons of hartshorn. She had wasted a faint. | |
"_Perdidi animi deliquium_," said she. | |
"Mother of MOSES, but you was heavy!" said MCFLYNN. | |
But she did not wait, and a pair of number eight shoes might have been | |
seen by an inquisitive reporter, cutting around the corners and stamping | |
up seven flights of stairs. | |
MORAL. | |
When the paternal turnip solemnly points to 10-1/2, G.F.F.F.S. puts her | |
number eights on the mantel, looks reflectively at a sore-eyed kitten, | |
and falls into polysyllables. | |
* * * * * | |
HOMODEIFICATION. | |
Late advices from China convey the intelligence that the | |
American-Chinese General WARD, who died in the service of the Celestial | |
empire, has been postmortuarily brevetted to the rank of a "major god," | |
and is now regularly worshipped as such by JOHN PIGTAIL. | |
Possibly the antithesis to this may turn up on the cards, here. In the | |
course of events the bronze idol to which our PHILLIPSES and SUMNERS | |
used to bend the knee, has been prostrated from his pedestal by the | |
Fifteenth Amendment. Coolie labor, with its possible abuses, may engage | |
the attention of the philanthropists, next, and we may yet behold JOHN | |
PIGTAIL on a pedestal, in the character of an American "major god." | |
* * * * * | |
"LUCUS A NON," ETC. | |
In the culinary department of a newspaper we find a recipe for making | |
"bird's nest pudding," which would surely make the pigtail of a JOHN | |
Chinaman stick straight up on end. The component parts of the pudding | |
are apples, sugar, milk, five eggs, and vanilla. Perhaps the inventor of | |
the pudding once found a bird's nest with five eggs in it, and has thus | |
essayed to immortalize the interesting fact. | |
* * * * * | |
Bullet Proof. | |
The fact of the young Prince Imperial having picked up a bullet on the | |
field of Saarbruck is significant It proves that, like a true BONAPARTE, | |
he is prompt to take the Lead. | |
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| BY | | |
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| Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | | |
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| TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | | |
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End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August | |
27, 1870, by Various | |
*** |