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man putting off starting family to focus on treading water in career for few years |
supreme court allows corporations to run for political office |
news: huge relief: russian officials can’t figure out which of the 50 things president trump screamed at them about isis and airplanes was classified information |
club has big hit with closed-mic night |
t.g.i. friday's executive chef recommends booze-on-meat-with-cheese thing |
sugar ray thrilled to be playing in man's head |
mugger can't believe crap victim has on mp3 player |
grown man purchases 37th sailor moon figurine |
dead teenager remembered for great hand jobs | the onion |
denny's market researcher emerges from focus group shaken after finding out what americans really want for breakfast |
man keeps memory of dead teen alive by making her center of elaborate political conspiracy theory |
black man out of work |
area man relieved friend's short story sucks |
quick, painless death tops holiday wish list of local veal calf |
fireworks accident blows off tip of florida |
japan pledges to halt production of weirdo porn that makes people puke |
second-grade class has no questions for visiting local historian |
woman jealous of horse's eyelashes |
so-called christian has erection |
arizona high schools to now teach spanish entirely in english |
increasingly obsessed robert mueller forces wife to dye hair blond, dress like ivanka |
genie grants scalia strict constructionist interpretation of wish |
frantic john kerry looks on as teresa slowly lowered into kim jong-un's electric eel tank |
study: human anxiety highest when sitting in wrong seat at concert |
8 touching pics of celebrities and their dads |
u.s. refuses to allow u.n. weapons inspectors back into iraq |
life: gumby fans rejoice! someone dressed as gumby is passed out on the side of the freeway in full view of passing traffic! |
huckabee decries obamacare’s failure to help slow, cross-eyed cousin who got kicked by mule |
two years ago, this man was 500 pounds. now he is two men who weigh 250 pounds. |
birthday cards from grandma becoming more religious |
bacon just one of sprint's new downloadable ring scents |
american voices: trump campaign bans ‘washington post’ coverage |
hundreds of miniature sean hannitys burst from roger ailes corpse |
pope beatifies god in important step toward sainthood |
no way to prevent this says only nation where this happens |
experts advise against throwing laptop across office even though it will feel incredible |
cnn opens up 24-hour anonymous tip line for anyone with synonyms for 'mueller closing in' |
car passengers launch urgent, mid-street investigation into whether woman in parking spot coming or going |
area man wins conversation |
woman has drawn-on eyebrows, nose, eyes, mouth |
elderly man looks even sadder when smiling |
time magazine just six months from big cocktail-nation-craze story |
grandmother classifies 79% of everything a shame |
local student also a poet |
'national geographic' increases ideological diversity by hiring first anti-tree-frog writer |
wedding guest etiquette tips |
offended customer's huffy walkout goes unnoticed |
trump boys announce they will not hesitate to egg russia if provoked |
doctor informs woman he's overweight |
senate intelligence committee confirms from testimony that donald trump jr. has no knowledge |
teen parents skip prom |
gluten-free pancake mix just a bag of sand |
report: modern-day pablo escobar smuggles one-hitter into music festival |
isis member unsure whom to submit pto request to |
russian olympic coach gently breaks news to hulking 200-pound gymnast that she won't be competing in south korea |
aides clip toenails, wash hair of mumbling, bedsore-ridden trump as president enters 155th straight hour of watching cable news |
life: this paramedic fell in love with a woman he rescued and now he has that leverage on her whenever they fight |
outbreak of va-va-vooms traced to miniskirt-wearing blonde |
more americans putting off marriage until ultimatum | the onion |
world’s first vegan slaughterhouse! [baby-stepped approved] |
man in center of political spectrum under impression he less obnoxious |
dick cheney finally hunts down, kills man he shot in face in 2006 |
nation’s indigenous people confirm they don’t need special holiday, just large swaths of land returned immediately |
how to solve a rubik's cube |
steve king vehemently denies comparing immigrants to people |
drunk driver honored |
do you know why i’m pulling you over, being wildly aggressive, and charging you with assault today, sir? |
hollywood removes statue of louis b. mayer beckoning judy garland to sit on his lap |
congress can't remember last time it got together and legislated like this |
lol the funniest onion article yet |
facebook ‘ask’ feature lets friends inquire about relationships |
nicaraguan diplomat drops deadly spider onto john kerry's blanket |
william barr declares mueller investigation fully exonerates members of reagan administration from iran-contra involvement |
clinton assures tim kaine she'll continue serving as president in event of her death |
local homemaker fights to overcome rubbermaid addiction |
postmaster general: 'letter carrier surge is working' |
college senior holding out hope that internship will lead to class-action lawsuit |
hillary clinton resumes attacking obama |
area man up for anything except being the one who makes the decision |
obama sinks family savings into developing presidential tabletop game |
fan doubtful ‘solo: a star wars story’ can live up to denny’s blaster fire burger |
jack palance still dead at 87 |
parents officially designate upstairs television for anyone who doesn’t want to watch thanksgiving football |
governor lashes out against cheap scotch, poorly rolled cigars |
'your father died peacefully in his sleep,' assures hospice nurse who spent past 6 months watching man wither away in agony |
unlikely animal friendship! this 55-year-old man is dating a 23-year-old woman |
leftover bugles still stuck to trump's fingers during bill signing |
area ceo likes to think of family as small, close-knit business |
paris vows to rebuild notre dame despite cosmic absurdity of seeking inherent meaning in fleeting creations of man |
red lobster welcomes back 'defrosted shrimp days' |
fact repeated as urban legend |
should we allow human cloning? |
newspapers piling up on dead homeowner's doorstep |
fast-food purchase seething with unspoken class conflict |
geologists say continents may have drifted apart after emotional falling-out |
area man just realized he doesn't even know when barack obama's birthday is |
mom apologizing for going through menopause |
tv showdown expected as 'sleepy hollow' debuts tonight against hbo's 'ichabod,' tnt's 'headless horseman,' showtime's 'cloaked rider' |
new study finds humans may have some capacity for compassion |
embarrassed california firefighters realize they've been spraying flames this whole time |