Datasets:

alistvt
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jokes-debug

+text
+[me narrating a documentary about narrators] ""I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking""
+Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men.
+I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.
+If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive... ...I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak-
+Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
+Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo
+Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
+Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
+What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't ask her out again.
+He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
+Telling my daugthers date that ""she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her."" *Correct way to parent.
+What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
+What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
+What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.
+How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh
+You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
+What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic? Hasta last vista, baby.
+My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...
+My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
+Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf @adamzopf
+Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? 'Cause they are freaking good at it
+How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
+""That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!""  women
+My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I'll deal with him later.
+What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik
+How to get a cop's attention
+What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection
+Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side.
+Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? At the calf-eteria.
+What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.
+Mom: ""Do you want this?"" Me: ""No."" Mom: ""Ok I'll give it to your brother."" Me: ""No I want it.""
+How do you fit 4 gays on one barstool? Flip it over!
+I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
+Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar The bartender tells him, ""We don't serve superconductors here."" He leaves without resistance.
+A guy pick up a woman Then he puts her down
+Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day.
+Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers? Math hue.
+Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
+Ted Cruz getting elected.
+Before I destroy a wasp's nest I like to capture a single wasp and tell it my entire diabolical plan.
+What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team? The New York jets.
+INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
+Coming on valentines day. Fifty shades of grey. There won't be a dry seat in the cinema.
+Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.
+Someone didnt click the button in /r/thebutton Yeah... Thats a good joke , he impossible!
+What's the difference between a car tyre, and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, an the other's a great year.
+Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.
+I've struggled for years to be above the influence... But I've never been able to get that high
+With Facebook, you can stay in touch with people you would otherwise never talk to, but that's only one of the many awful things about it
+What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.
+Have you ever heard of the movie ""Constipation""? No? Most likely because it never came out.
+What's black, blue and doesn't look too well? Stevie Wonder
+I saw a French rifle on eBay today It's never been fired but I heard it was dropped once.
+What did the car said to the valet? I've been through a lot.
+Bill Clinton must be the luckiest man in the world. All of the sex he has, with Hillary, you know it's hate sex.
+yeah girl.. shake that thing where poop comes out of. it really turns me on when your poop factory shakes faster than usual
+""I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."" --Stephen Hawking
+A Mexican fireman had twin boys He named them Jose and Hose B
+I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before!
+Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again
+Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates"".
+My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
+My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom.
+Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 ""humorists"". 2/3rds of a person? Really?
+I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
+What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.
+I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole.
+Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.
+Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
+I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
+I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines
+What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
+""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"" -Guy who invented shovels
+How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
+What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends""
+7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
+What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
+I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
+ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
+What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex
+I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!
+This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
+Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.
+Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.
+I have a degree in men's studies. It's called ""world history"". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!
+Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.
+My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better.
+This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
+What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)
+What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.
+What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.
+What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
+Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
+Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
+""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs.""
+What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair.
+My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
+[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
+Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
+You know... When someone says to you ""Jesus loves you."" It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.
+When I hear ""This call is being monitored for quality assurance"" I think ""Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job.""
+You know what the definition of ""competitive"" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.
+How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.
+What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
+[car wreck] [hand reaches out] ""Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback."" [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
+Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
+Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken
+Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?  Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.
+I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
+Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.
+Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
+When my wife takes a nap, it's ""desperately needed rest."" When I do, it's ""lazy chauvinist party-time.""
+""Update the Force, young Skywalker"" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.
+lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
+TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.
+What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.
+Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.
+Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
+Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay.
+This morning I had a swollen testicle. ""I'd have simply preferred toast,"" I told my wife.
+""What's that?"" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* ""WTH!?!""
+What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
+If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,""Help, they've turned me into a parrot."" you are wasting everybody's time.
+My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
+What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider
+Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
+It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
+What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated ""Don't worry, I still have my third one.""
+What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
+When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.
+There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.
+I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.
+Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows
+Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears*
+In China the labels read, ""Made by someone you know.""
+It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.
+You could be a ""Before"" model.
+Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, ""will you have your usual tonight?"" Rene replies ""I think not"" and he disappears.
+Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.
+My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
+My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
+My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.
+With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!
+[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word ""bae""
+Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine
+What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
+What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.
+What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.
+I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
+What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
+What is your best ""Yo mama"" joke?
+What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR
+Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!
+I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?
+Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
+Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
+*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
+I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
+A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.
+Instead of calling them flyover states we should call them comments section.
+A triangle exploded and a piece hit me. It was a 60-debris angle.
+Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income  family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
+Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her
+Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
+My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......
+Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
+What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? ""Hey, can you help me pack my shit?""
+Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don't Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
+What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his  own.
+Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
+My house is really small until I can't find my phone.
+Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?
+Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.
+I don't understand women. I also don't understand how a car works but I still drive it.
+What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage? Tri-weekly Try Weekly and Try Weakly
+How do they calculate global warming? Al-gore-ythms
+What happens when Turkeys get the common cold? They quit smoking.
+The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.
+What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...
+My girlfriend is great in bed... But I don't know how my best friend would know that.
+What do you call a Jedi who worries about not making deadlines? Panickin' Skywalker.
+Why did the composer go to the chiropractor? Because he had Bach problems
+[Justice League HQ] SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I'll just fight daytime crimes
+If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?
+A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff badum tss
+My favourite word is snigger It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson
+How do you hide an elephant in a fridge? You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.
+Pete and repeat are in a boat Pete and repeat are brothers. Pete falls overboard, who's left?
+What do you call a green cow in a field? Invisibull.
+What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the gym manager when he was joining a new gym? I'll re-rack.
+You're shoes are untied! April fools! Got ya!!
+Right now a group of women at a baby shower are simultaneously saying, ""Awwww..."" while some knocked up chick holds up a tiny pair of socks.
+Gentlemen test At least most tests have the decency to ask me my name, before they fuck me.
+What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
+I went in to hospital for an operation... I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said: ""Sure, knock yourself out"".
+A piece of shit walks into a bar It's my dad... My dad is a piece of shit.
+What's a snakes favourite dance ? The mamba !
+What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
+What is the last thing that tickle-me elmo gets before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles
+What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty? Mutton Looter King