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Saibo-creator
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bookcorpus_compact_1024_test

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text stringlengths 3.57k 5.54k	concept_with_offset stringlengths 3.48k 11.1k
`` thank you , but i think i 'll pass on the coffee . '' when shane walked over to sit beside her at the table , cactus asked , `` how do you like your eggs , gal ? '' `` say scrambled , '' shane whispered . `` that 's the only way he knows how to cook them . '' `` i heard that , and it ai n't true , '' the old gentleman retorted . `` i know how to put cheese in 'em or if your lady friend would like onions and green peppers , i can make 'em that way , too . '' `` but they 're still scrambled . '' `` it do n't matter , '' cactus insisted , his toothless grin wide . `` they 're still different than just plain old eggs . '' having grown up in the house where teasing and good-natured banter had n't existed , lissa enjoyed listening to the exchange between the two men . it told her a lot about the kind of man shane was . besides going out of his way to preserve an old man 's dignity by making bets they both knew were a complete farce , shane went along with and even encouraged the man 's complaints because he knew it made cactus happy . that was something her father certainly would have never done for one of his employees . for that matter , he had n't bothered to do anything even remotely similar to that for his own children . there was n't a single time in her life that she could remember her father teasing or playing with her or her brothers . he had reminded them on a daily basis from the time they were old enough to listen that if they were n't excelling academically or working to somehow improve jarrod ridge , they were letting themselves down and disappointing him . `` here you go , gal , '' cactus said , interrupting her thoughts as he placed a plate of bacon and eggs in front of her . as soon as the plate touched the table , the food that had smelled so delicious only a few moments before caused a terrible queasiness in the pit of her stomach . glancing at shane , she watched his easy expression turn to one of concern and she knew she must look as ill as she felt . unable to make an excuse for leaving the table , melissa jumped from the chair and ran as fast as she could for the stairs . she barely managed to make it into the master bathroom and slam the door before falling to her knees . she had never in all of her twenty-six years been as sick as she was at that moment . if the fact that she was pregnant had n't sunk in before , it certainly had became very real now . feeling as if the blood in his veins had turned to ice water , shane took the stairs two at a time as he chased lissa . she had seemed fine when they got up and came downstairs for breakfast . then , without warning , she 'd turned ghostly pale and bolted from the room like a racehorse coming out of the starting gate . as soon as he entered his bedroom he heard her and found the bathroom door locked . `` lissa , let me in , '' he demanded . `` go ... away ... shane . '' her voice sounded weak and shaky . `` not until i know you 're going to be all right . '' if he had to , he would break the damned door down . but he was n't going anywhere until he found out what was wrong with her . `` i think ... i have ... morning sickness , '' she said , sounding downright miserable . `` please leave ... me ... alone so i ... can die ... in peace . '' feeling completely useless , shane drew in a deep breath and walked over to sit on the end of the bed while he waited for her nausea to run its course . if not for one of his swimmers , she would n't be in there feeling as if death would be a blessing . he rested his forearms on his knees and stared down at his loosely clasped hands . he wished there was something he could do for her , but he was at a total loss . horses did n't suffer through morning sickness and , since he never intended to have a wife and kids , he had never bothered to learn more than the basics about human pregnancies . now he was going to have to play catch-up and learn all he could on the subject . several minutes later as he sat there mentally compiling a list of things that he wanted to research , he heard the bathroom lock click open and lissa slowly opened the door . his heart slammed against his ribs at her appearance . she looked as though she had just been through hell . her usual peaches-and-cream complexion was still a pasty white , perspiration dotted her forehead and her long blond hair hung limp around her shoulders . `` i asked for privacy , '' she said , sounding completely spent . `` i gave you as much as i thought you needed . '' he might fall short with his lack of knowledge , but there was no way he would have left her on her own and gone back downstairs .	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["peppers", 427], ["still", 486], ["matter", 521], ["mattering", 521], ["insist", 542], ["insistest", 542], ["insisted", 542], ["toothless", 558], ["grin", 563], ["wide", 568], ["different", 598], ["plain", 614], ["plains", 614], ["grow", 641], ["growest", 641], ["grown", 641], ["house", 657], ["tease", 671], ["teasing", 671], ["good", 680], ["natured", 688], ["banter", 695], ["exist", 711], ["existest", 711], ["existed", 711], ["enjoy", 727], ["enjoyed", 727], ["listen", 737], ["listens", 737], ["listening", 737], ["exchange", 753], ["two", 769], ["twos", 769], ["man", 773], ["mans", 773], ["manned", 773], ["men", 773], ["tell", 783], ["told", 783], ["lot", 793], ["kind", 808], ["man", 815], ["mans", 815], ["manned", 815], ["besides", 835], ["go", 841], ["goest", 841], ["going", 841], ["preserve", 868], ["dignity", 890], ["bet", 905], ["bets", 905], ["know", 920], ["knowest", 920], ["knew", 920], ["complete", 936], ["farce", 942], ["go", 955], ["goest", 955], ["went", 955], ["along", 961], ["even", 975], ["evens", 975], ["encourage", 986], ["encouraged", 986], ["complaint", 1008], ["complaints", 1008], ["happy", 1045], ["father", 1077], ["fathered", 1077], ["fathering", 1077], ["certainly", 1087], ["never", 1104], ["employee", 1134], ["employees", 1134], ["bother", 1174], ["bothers", 1174], ["bothering", 1174], ["bothered", 1174], ["anything", 1189], ["remotely", 1203], ["similar", 1211], ["child", 1240], ["childs", 1240], ["children", 1240], ["single", 1265], ["time", 1270], ["life", 1282], ["lifes", 1282], ["remember", 1306], ["rememberest", 1306], ["play", 1336], ["playest", 1336], ["playing", 1336], ["brother", 1361], ["brethren", 1361], ["brothers", 1361], ["remind", 1379], ["reminded", 1379], ["daily", 1395], ["basis", 1401], ["enough", 1436], ["listen", 1446], ["listens", 1446], ["excel", 1478], ["excelling", 1478], ["academically", 1491], ["work", 1502], ["wrought", 1502], ["working", 1502], ["somehow", 1513], ["improve", 1521], ["ridge", 1534], ["let", 1554], ["lets", 1554], ["letting", 1554], ["disappoint", 1588], ["disappointed", 1588], ["go", 1609], ["goest", 1609], ["say", 1632], ["sayest", 1632], ["said", 1632], ["interrupt", 1647], ["interruptest", 1647], ["interrupting", 1647], ["thought", 1660], ["thoughts", 1660], ["place", 1673], ["placed", 1673], ["plate", 1681], ["plating", 1681], ["bacon", 1690], ["front", 1708], ["soon", 1725], ["touch", 1746], ["touching", 1746], ["touched", 1746], ["food", 1767], ["foods", 1767], ["smell", 1784], ["smelt", 1784], ["smellest", 1784], ["smelled", 1784], ["delicious", 1797], ["moment", 1816], ["moments", 1816], ["cause", 1830], ["caused", 1830], ["terrible", 1841], ["queasiness", 1852], ["pit", 1863], ["stomach", 1878], ["stomachs", 1878], ["stomaching", 1878], ["glance", 1889], ["glancing", 1889], ["watch", 1912], ["watched", 1912], ["easy", 1921], ["expression", 1932], ["turn", 1937], ["concern", 1955], ["concerned", 1955], ["concernest", 1955], ["must", 1977], ["musts", 1977], ["look", 1982], ["ill", 1989], ["ills", 1989], ["illest", 1989], ["feel", 2001], ["felt", 2001], ["unable", 2010], ["unabled", 2010], ["excuse", 2028], ["left", 2040], ["leave", 2040], ["leaving", 2040], ["melissa", 2060], ["jump", 2067], ["jumps", 2067], ["jumped", 2067], ["chair", 2082], ["chairing", 2082], ["run", 2090], ["ran", 2090], ["fast", 2098], ["stair", 2126], ["stairs", 2126], ["barely", 2139], ["manage", 2147], ["managed", 2147], ["master", 2174], ["bathroom", 2183], ["slam", 2192], ["door", 2201], ["fall", 2216], ["falls", 2216], ["falling", 2216], ["knee", 2229], ["knees", 2229], ["twenty", 2266], ["six", 2270], ["year", 2276], ["years", 2276], ["sick", 2289], ["moment", 2315], ["fact", 2329], ["pregnant", 2351], ["sink", 2364], ["sank", 2364], ["sunk", 2364], ["become", 2400], ["became", 2400], ["reis", 2410], ["real", 2410], ["feel", 2424], ["feeling", 2424], ["blood", 2440], ["bloods", 2440], ["blooded", 2440], ["vein", 2453], ["veins", 2453], ["turn", 2464], ["turned", 2464], ["ice", 2471], ["iced", 2471], ["water", 2477], ["take", 2490], ["took", 2490], ["chase", 2528], ["chased", 2528], ["seem", 2551], ["seeming", 2551], ["seemed", 2551], ["fine", 2556], ["get", 2570], ["got", 2570], ["come", 2582], ["came", 2582], ["downstairs", 2593], ["breakfast", 2607], ["without", 2624], ["warning", 2632], ["ghostly", 2656], ["pale", 2661], ["bolt", 2672], ["bolts", 2672], ["bolted", 2672], ["room", 2686], ["roomed", 2686], ["racehorse", 2703], ["come", 2710], ["coming", 2710], ["gate", 2735], ["gates", 2735], ["enter", 2759], ["entered", 2759], ["bedroom", 2771], ["find", 2794], ["found", 2794], ["lock", 2819], ["locked", 2819], ["let", 2836], ["lets", 2836], ["demand", 2859], ["demandest", 2859], ["demanded", 2859], ["away", 2876], ["voice", 2901], ["sound", 2909], ["sounded", 2909], ["weak", 2914], ["shaky", 2924], ["right", 2976], ["rightest", 2976], ["break", 3011], ["broke", 3011], ["damn", 3022], ["damned", 3022], ["anywhere", 3064], ["wrong", 3098], ["morning", 3143], ["sickness", 3152], ["sound", 3177], ["sounding", 3177], ["downright", 3187], ["miserable", 3197], ["please", 3209], ["left", 3215], ["leave", 3215], ["alone", 3232], ["die", 3249], ["peace", 3262], ["completely", 3286], ["useless", 3294], ["uselessest", 3294], ["draw", 3307], ["draws", 3307], ["drawn", 3307], ["drew", 3307], ["deep", 3317], ["deeply", 3317], ["breath", 3324], ["breathest", 3324], ["end", 3358], ["ends", 3358], ["endest", 3358], ["bed", 3369], ["wait", 3385], ["waitest", 3385], ["waited", 3385], ["nausea", 3400], ["run", 3407], ["course", 3418], ["swimmer", 3451], ["swimmers", 3451], ["death", 3499], ["blessing", 3519], ["rest", 3531], ["rested", 3531], ["forearm", 3544], ["forearms", 3544], ["stare", 3568], ["stared", 3568], ["loosely", 3588], ["hand", 3602], ["hands", 3602], ["wish", 3614], ["wished", 3614], ["total", 3678], ["loss", 3683], ["horse", 3692], ["horsed", 3692], ["horses", 3692], ["suffer", 3707], ["suffering", 3707], ["since", 3744], ["intend", 3762], ["intendest", 3762], ["intended", 3762], ["wife", 3777], ["kid", 3786], ["kids", 3786], ["learn", 3819], ["learnt", 3819], ["learns", 3819], ["basic", 3840], ["basics", 3840], ["human", 3852], ["pregnancy", 3864], ["pregnancies", 3864], ["play", 3899], ["playest", 3899], ["catch", 3905], ["catches", 3905], ["catched", 3905], ["subject", 3946], ["subjectest", 3946], ["several", 3956], ["minute", 3964], ["minutes", 3964], ["later", 3970], ["sat", 3980], ["sit", 3980], ["mentally", 3995], ["compile", 4005], ["compiling", 4005], ["list", 4012], ["thing", 4022], ["things", 4022], ["research", 4049], ["lock", 4078], ["click", 4084], ["open", 4089], ["slowly", 4106], ["open", 4113], ["opened", 4113], ["heart", 4134], ["slam", 4142], ["slammed", 4142], ["rib", 4159], ["ribs", 4159], ["appearance", 4177], ["look", 4190], ["looked", 4190], ["though", 4200], ["hell", 4231], ["hells", 4231], ["usual", 4243], ["peach", 4251], ["peaches", 4251], ["cream", 4261], ["creamest", 4261], ["complexion", 4272], ["pasty", 4290], ["white", 4296], ["perspiration", 4311], ["dot", 4318], ["dotted", 4318], ["forehead", 4331], ["long", 4344], ["longs", 4344], ["blond", 4350], ["hair", 4355], ["hung", 4360], ["hang", 4360], ["hangs", 4360], ["limp", 4365], ["limps", 4365], ["limping", 4365], ["around", 4372], ["shoulder", 4386], ["shouldered", 4386], ["shoulders", 4386], ["privacy", 4411], ["spend", 4453], ["spends", 4453], ["spendest", 4453], ["spent", 4453], ["give", 4465], ["gave", 4465], ["much", 4477], ["think", 4490], ["thinkest", 4490], ["thought", 4490], ["need", 4501], ["needest", 4501], ["needed", 4501], ["may", 4515], ["mays", 4515], ["mayest", 4515], ["might", 4515], ["fall", 4520], ["falls", 4520], ["short", 4526], ["lack", 4540], ["knowledge", 4553], ["left", 4595], ["leave", 4595], ["go", 4619], ["goest", 4619], ["gone", 4619], ["back", 4624]]
the way he stroked her now , even deeper than before , had her stretching to the stars . and raine could n't catch her breath . `` i 'm going to- '' `` look at me . '' he grabbed her hair in one fist and fused his gaze to hers as the crash of pleasure splintered her . her scream echoed off the ceiling . her psy clamped down on him . she could n't look away as she unraveled under his touch , his cock , his control . he cried out , buried deep inside her , then growled out his completion . gradually , his fingers released their grip on her hair . her heart stopped its mad beat . but neither of them looked away or said a word in the exquisite moment . it hung silent , infinite , its gravity so stunning . `` how did this happen so fast ? '' she 'd only meant to think the words , but the surprise on his face said she 'd spoken them . `` i 'm not really sure , love . '' `` one minute we were talking , and the next ... i could n't stop claiming you as my own . but i 'm not questioning it anymore . i- '' the emergency chime on his phone interrupted whatever he 'd been about to say . with a curse , he slid free of her body , grabbed the device , and padded to the bathroom . a moment later , he returned with a warm cloth and sat beside her , holding the mobile to his ear . raine sat up , watching liam intently . for beck to call a man he barely liked in the middle of the night , something terrible must have happened . her heart chugged with fear . `` what the fk do you think is wrong ? '' beck shouted the words so loudly , she could n't fail to hear . `` you come here and fk hammer 's girl in front of the whole goddamn dungeon , make a fool out of him , then steal her away without so much as a 'fuck you . ' what problem could there be ? '' `` i would n't change it if i could because i do n't regret it . '' a tick beside his eye twitched . `` and since you hurt raine , i 've nothing to say to you except fk off . '' your best friend has been a basket case ever since you took her away . '' get the girl 's ass back here pronto and sort this fking mess out ! '' `` he 's no longer my best friend , and i 'll not be taking her back . '' he did n't wait for a reply , just hung up . raine 's heart seized . `` liam ... we have to go . '' calmly , he added a few drops of tea tree oil to the hot rag and smoothed it against her swollen psy . it might have eased her if she had n't been so worried . `` then you stay . hammer needs me . '' she tried to push the cloth away , but he gripped her hands and finished the job without a word . the intimacy was startling , but she was about to decide that was the norm with liam . still , she could n't quite focus with the panic burning her veins . liam 's answer was clipped , almost angry . `` what makes you think i have any intention of taking you back there ? i 'd intended to send for your things eventually , but i 'd never planned for either of us to darken his door again . '' `` but it 's my home . i ... '' in a way , she supposed his resolution made sense . nothing would ever be the same between hammer and liam again . and she bore the guilt for that . nor would anything be the same between her and hammer . and she did n't think for a second that seeing him would be easy . `` that 's not your home anymore , lass . '' raine gasped and wrangled free , scrambling back on the bed . it will always be home . '' `` one you were ready to leave just days ago . why the sudden change of heart now ? '' he narrowed his eyes , as if daring her to say hammer 's name . `` i threatened to leave , but it was killing me inside . i just did n't see a choice , but now ... i have to help him . '' `` hammer is a grown man . `` clearly he ca n't or beck would n't be calling in the middle of the night . i owe hammer . '' liam looked at her impassively , and she balled her hands into fists . `` i goddamn owe him ! '' `` language , or i 've got a bar of soap with your name on it . '' we 're talking about a man we both care about , not a little bit of protocol . i ca n't let him self-destruct . he could have let me do that years ago . i have to repay the favor . i 'd rather do it with your help , but i 'll do it without you if i have to . ''	[["way", 7], ["ways", 7], ["stroke", 18], ["stroked", 18], ["even", 33], ["evens", 33], ["deeply", 40], ["stretch", 73], ["stretching", 73], ["star", 86], ["starred", 86], ["stars", 86], ["raine", 98], ["catch", 114], ["catches", 114], ["catched", 114], ["breath", 125], ["breathest", 125], ["go", 141], ["goest", 141], ["going", 141], ["look", 156], ["grab", 178], ["grabbed", 178], ["hair", 187], ["fist", 199], ["fuse", 209], ["fused", 209], ["gaze", 218], ["gazes", 218], ["crash", 239], ["pleasure", 251], ["splinter", 262], ["splintered", 262], ["scream", 279], ["screams", 279], ["echo", 286], ["echoed", 286], ["ceiling", 302], ["clamp", 322], ["clamps", 322], ["clamped", 322], ["away", 360], ["unravel", 377], ["unraveled", 377], ["touch", 393], ["touching", 393], ["cock", 404], ["cockest", 404], ["control", 418], ["cry", 429], ["cried", 429], ["bury", 442], ["burying", 442], ["buried", 442], ["deep", 447], ["deeply", 447], ["inside", 454], ["growl", 473], ["growls", 473], 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["phone", 1046], ["interrupt", 1058], ["interruptest", 1058], ["interrupted", 1058], ["whatever", 1067], ["say", 1091], ["sayest", 1091], ["curse", 1106], ["cursed", 1106], ["slid", 1116], ["free", 1121], ["body", 1133], ["bodied", 1133], ["device", 1154], ["pad", 1167], ["padding", 1167], ["padded", 1167], ["bathroom", 1183], ["later", 1200], ["return", 1214], ["returnest", 1214], ["returned", 1214], ["warm", 1226], ["cloth", 1232], ["sat", 1240], ["sit", 1240], ["beside", 1247], ["hold", 1261], ["holding", 1261], ["mobile", 1272], ["mobiles", 1272], ["ear", 1283], ["watch", 1309], ["watching", 1309], ["liam", 1314], ["intently", 1323], ["beck", 1334], ["call", 1342], ["man", 1348], ["mans", 1348], ["manned", 1348], ["barely", 1358], ["like", 1364], ["liked", 1364], ["middle", 1378], ["middles", 1378], ["middling", 1378], ["night", 1391], ["terrible", 1412], ["must", 1417], ["musts", 1417], ["happen", 1431], ["happened", 1431], ["chug", 1451], ["chugged", 1451], ["fear", 1461], ["fearest", 1461], ["wrong", 1502], ["shout", 1520], ["shouted", 1520], ["loudly", 1540], ["fail", 1561], ["hear", 1569], ["hears", 1569], ["come", 1583], ["hammer", 1604], ["girl", 1612], ["front", 1621], ["whole", 1634], ["wholes", 1634], ["goddamn", 1642], ["dungeon", 1650], ["fool", 1664], ["foolest", 1664], ["fooling", 1664], ["steal", 1688], ["stole", 1688], ["without", 1705], ["much", 1713], ["fuck", 1724], ["problem", 1745], ["change", 1787], ["regret", 1825], ["tick", 1840], ["eye", 1855], ["eyed", 1855], ["since", 1879], ["hurt", 1888], ["hurts", 1888], ["hurting", 1888], ["nothing", 1910], ["except", 1931], ["good", 1955], ["best", 1955], ["friend", 1962], ["basket", 1980], ["ever", 1990], ["everest", 1990], ["take", 2005], ["took", 2005], ["get", 2023], ["ass", 2039], ["back", 2044], ["pronto", 2056], ["sort", 2065], ["mess", 2083], ["messed", 2083], ["messing", 2083], ["long", 2111], ["longs", 2111], ["take", 2152], ["taking", 2152], ["wait", 2182], ["waitest", 2182], ["reply", 2194], ["seize", 2233], ["seizes", 2233], ["seized", 2233], ["go", 2261], ["goest", 2261], ["calmly", 2273], ["add", 2284], ["added", 2284], ["drop", 2296], ["drops", 2296], ["tea", 2303], ["teas", 2303], ["tree", 2308], ["treed", 2308], ["treeing", 2308], ["oil", 2312], ["hot", 2323], ["rag", 2327], ["ragged", 2327], ["smooth", 2340], ["smoothed", 2340], ["may", 2380], ["mays", 2380], ["mayest", 2380], ["might", 2380], ["ease", 2391], ["eased", 2391], ["stay", 2445], ["need", 2460], ["needest", 2460], ["needs", 2460], ["try", 2478], ["tryed", 2478], ["tried", 2478], ["push", 2486], ["grip", 2518], ["hand", 2528], ["hands", 2528], ["finish", 2541], ["finished", 2541], ["job", 2549], ["jobbing", 2549], ["intimacy", 2579], ["intimacies", 2579], ["startling", 2593], ["decide", 2623], ["norm", 2641], ["still", 2659], ["quite", 2681], ["focus", 2687], ["panic", 2702], ["burn", 2710], ["burns", 2710], ["burning", 2710], ["vein", 2720], ["veins", 2720], ["answer", 2737], 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i hated the guy for the way i saw him treat her . hed say terrible things to her and make her cry . i tried to defend her one time but he pulled a gun and threatened to use it . joe said in complete surprise . i know , hunter said . i never said anything because mom didnt want anyone to know . hunter grew quiet . i guess thats something else i needed to get off my chest . joe stared at the fire . im not surprised you took back to your birth name of blake . i made it legal . i wanted to undo the adoption , but you cant do that , i found out . so , what i did instead was have mom adopt me back on her own . i got a new birth certificate and got back my original last name . the birth certificate lists my real dad as my father . it didnt cost much , although i would have paid just about anything to make it happen . i didnt want to be identified with victor in any way whatsoever anymore . it seemed like after drew came along everything changed . maybe thats why youve resented him , cos he was victors son . joe kept staring at the fire . hunter shifted slightly . it just makes me angry . but ill always be grateful that you and aunt ella were around . joe sat for a moment then said , im still here for you , jimmy . years may have passed , and even though ella and me were only friends to your folks , as far as im concerned , im still your uncle joe . were still family . thanks , but you have vera now . she might have other ideas and i wouldnt blame her . i dont want to become a nuisance . youre not a nuisance , jimmy , vera said standing nearby . hunter sat up , startled , then relaxed . didnt mean to eavesdrop , she said . may i call you jimmy or would you prefer hunter ? jimmys fine . hey , i want you to know that ... not another word . joes told me a little about you and your family . seems to me , you still need a family . so , were your family . hunter had to look away . he cleared his throat and hurried to wipe his eyes . thanks , he managed to say . vera heard some clunking in the kitchen . now whats that girl up to ? she hurried out of the living room . both men could hear her fussing after janet . you dont need to do the dishes , dear . if were going to stay here for a while , even if its a short while , i insist on helping , they heard janet reply . that young lady has some spunk , dont she ? hunter had to grin . so , if shes not your girlfriend , you got a woman , jimmy ? im steering clear of any other relationships . i dont think im cut out for anything serious . what you need is to stay away from them movie stars and find yourself a real woman . someone dependable and level-headed , thats what i say . dont give up until its over . he exclaimed with a big smile . and i can tell you , being with someone good and down-to-earth is the best thing you could do for yourself . like i said , ill keep that in mind , uncle joe , but im not so sure the down-to-earth type of woman would fit into my life . of course she would , you jest havent found the right one yet . they both sat quietly watching the fire and listening to vera and janet chatter in the kitchen . hunter broke the stillness . you know i did meet a nice woman just recently . shes from missouri , i think . well , now youre talkin ! bout time you got some smarts . you have no idea how much i worry about you and how youre gettin along . i sure hope i get to meet her someday . well , dont get ahead of yourself , all i said was i met a nice woman . shes shy and quiet and im helping to pay for some repairs and upgrades on her house . they need to be done and she cant afford it , thats why . i do have an occasional moment of good will , he said . ill bet you do all kinds of good deeds all the time , but they dont cost money so you dont give em much thought . this woman you met . hunter was amused . i never would have figured you to be a romantic , uncle joe , but i think you are . joe shifted in his chair . i worry about you and drew . neither one of you settling down and raising a family . you should think about it before its too late . im too old to be raising a family . im almost sixty for crying out loud ! vera hurried out of the kitchen . she asked wiping her hands with a towel . were fine , dear , joe reassured her . its just jimmy getting worked up about a woman hes met , thats all . im getting worked up ! i think youre the one getting all fired up .	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jamie heard him clear his throat and spit thickly into his half-filled pot , then bellow down the ladder , `` who 's there ? '' the shadowy form was making wild motions , beseeching him to be silent . the horses were half awake , snorting with mild confusion but not panicked ; they were used to crusoe shouting in the night . he did it whenever he had the money to buy drink , waking from nightmares in a cold sweat , shrieking at his demons . jamie rubbed a hand over his face , trying to think . if crusoe and hanks did n't already know he was gone , they 'd notice in the next few seconds . `` rats in the feed , '' he shouted up . it was a feeble story ; there were always rats in the feed , and no one would have stirred a finger to investigate their noises in the dead of night , let alone hunt them in the dark . hanks made a sound of disgust , rustling his bedclothes . `` the scotchman 's buggering the horses again , '' he said conversationally to crusoe , though clearly speaking loud enough to be heard below . `` ought to speak to his lordship about it . '' crusoe grunted angrily . `` well , whatever the f**k you 're doin ' , mackenzie , be quiet about it ! '' he shouted , and flung himself over on his pallet in a flurry of bother . jamie 's heart was pounding again , with annoyed agitation . he reached for the young woman-no auld crone squealed like that-but slowly this time , and she made no demur when he took her by the arm . he led her down the stone-flagged aisle between the stalls and outside , shoving the sliding door to behind them with a rumble . it was cold enough out to make him gasp , an icy wind flattening his shirt to his body and stealing his breath . the moon was obscured by racing cloud , but enough glow came from the sky for him to make out the identity of his intruder . `` what the devil d 'ye want ? '' `` and how did ye ken where i was ? '' it had dawned on him that she had n't just stumbled over him in the hay , for why would a lady 's maid be poking about the stables at night ? she 'd come looking for him . betty lifted her chin . `` there 's a man what wants to talk to you . he sent me to say . and i saw you come down from the loft . '' that last sentence floated in the air between them , charged like a leyden jar . touch it , and there 'd be a spark that would stand his hair on end . did she have any notion what it was he 'd been doing ? he caught the hint of a smirk on her face before a cloud shadow obscured it , and his ears went suddenly hot with rising blood . `` an irishman , '' she said . `` but a gentleman . he says to tell you the green branch will flower . and to meet him on the fells , where the old shepherd 's hut is . '' the shock of it nearly made him forget the cold , though the wind was ripping through the linen of his shirt and he was shivering so hard that he found it hard to speak without his voice shaking . `` i 've nothing to do wi ' any irishmen , '' he snapped . `` and if he comes back , ye may tell him so . '' he put a hand on the door , turning to go in . `` i 'm going to my bed . a light hand ran down his back and stopped just above his buttocks . he could feel the hair there bristle like a badger 's , and not from the cold . `` your bed 'll be cold as death by now . '' she 'd stepped close ; he could feel the slight warmth of her body behind him , the heat of her breath through his shirt . and she still had her hand on him . lower now . `` mine 's a good deal warmer . '' arse clenched , he moved deliberately away from her and pushed the door open . `` good night , '' he said , without turning round , and stepped into the rustling , inquisitive dark of the stable . he saw her for an instant as he turned to shut the door , caught in the flickering moonlight , her eyes narrowed like an angry cat 's . he made no effort to be quiet , climbing the ladder back to the loft . hanks and crusoe were pointedly silent , though he thought neither one was asleep . god knew what they 'd say about tonight 's incident , but he was n't disposed to be worrit over that pair . he 'd enough else to think on . betty , for one . for if anyone on helwater estate knew his great secret , it was she . betty had been geneva dunsany 's lady 's maid before becoming maid to her sister after geneva 's death . how much of a confidante had she been , though ?	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stay with me , he whispers in my ear tenderly . im a goner because i know i cant say no to him . worse , i do n't want to . i dont want to leave , ever . i relax into his arms and enjoy the feeling of security they bring . how big 's this wedding ? he trails his fingers up and down my arm . family and close friends only . i think about two hundred people , he mumbles . two hundred people is family and close friends ? to my family , yes , he replies . mercy , i breathe . ill go , i relent in a moment of utter submission and weakness . his arms squeeze tightly and he kisses the tender spot behind my ear . i sigh and let myself succumb to the exhaustion of hours of lovemaking . the last thing i hear before i drift off is doms deep voice whisper , youre amazing , as his hand finally stills , resting flat on my belly . * * * * * light filters through the curtains as my phone vibrates off the side table . without opening my eyes i fumble for it but as i reach down im hauled back across the bed into doms strong arms . good morning to you , i flirt . he shakes his head at me , grinning . ive waited a long time , four months almost , to have this happen . have what happen ? to wake up with you , clara . he leans in and brushes a feather light kiss across my lips . to spend the night with you , he breathes in my ear while nipping at it . if you wake me up and i do n't get angry you must be pretty effing special . i hate waking up , i say . a hot flush breaks out across my chest as he kisses a path down my neck . he stops at my collarbone and i whine in protest . i ask , running my hands along all the hard ridges of his torso . we have to find you a dress and the wedding is in four hours . i pout and relax back into the pillow . well have plenty of time for fun later . he winks and smacks my thigh playfully . i dont want to alarm you , i say , sitting up and straddling him , but you may have unleashed a monster last night . he hardens at my opening . an insatiable monster . i breathe into his mouth as i kiss him . with ease he lifts my hips and slides me down on him while i wrap my legs around his back . he stands and crashes my back into the wall opposite the bed as he stays deep and swivels his hips . my head dips back hitting the wall and my eyes close as he quickly brings me racing towards release . suckling and kissing my exposed throat he drives deep , skidding me up the wall some and stays planted while he rotates his hips . my muscles clench , my breath catches , and , gripping my hips to steady me , he rolls up and nips my neck before my orgasm rips through me at an alarming rate . he finishes just after me and carries me to the bed , setting me down carefully and slowly pulling out . will that hold you over , my dear ? mmmhmm , i sigh and watch his amazing naked body saunter to the bathroom for a shower . i grab my phone and check my messages . amanda : are you ok ? marg : dom the dominator huh ? i was hot just watching you two dance ! i text amanda and marg back letting them know what 's up and that im the worst friend ever for missing almost all of girls weekend and decide to leave it that . weddings & lies pulling up to the chapel , im a bundle of nerves . dom holds my hand and rubs his thumb soothingly over my knuckles , but it does little to calm me . will this make the news ? my voice cracks a little , giving away my fear . the society pages eat this stuff up . i ca n't do this , i breathe . clara , relax . its just a wedding . you look stunning and ive instructed my publicist to keep your photo from appearing in print . easier said than done , i mutter . exiting the limo , dom escorts me inside . the chapel is lavishly decorated , flowers are bursting everywhere and everyone is dressed like theyre attending the grammys . doms hand guides me by the small of my back through the crowd to our pew . i scan every face that passes us , looking for recognition , but find none and start to relax . doms cousin henry stands at the front of the church looking excited and dapper in his tux . when dom had come into the bathroom to fetch me he took my breath away . his tuxedo , tailored just for him , fit perfectly and the smile hed beamed at me was dazzling . within a few moments the chatter quiets and the music starts . six bridesmaids in stunning navy gowns gracefully float down the aisle before the bride makes her last walk as a single lady .	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`` his father 's question hammered tony 's already pounding head . in his father 's study , he poured himself three fingers of cognac , bypassing the basque wine and the memories it evoked . shannon wrapped around him , the scent of lilies in her hair . `` you know full well where she is . nothing slips past you here . '' they 'd spent the past two hours assessing the repercussions of the leak . the media feeding frenzy had been rekindled with fresh fuel about eloisa 's connection to the family . inevitable , yet still frustrating . it gnawed at his gut to think shannon had something to do with this , although he reassured himself it must have been an accident . and if she 'd simply slipped up and made a mistake , he could forgive her . she had n't lived the medina way since the cradle . remembering all the intricacies involved in maintaining such a high level of security was difficult . if she would just admit what happened , they could move on . his father rolled back from the computer desk , his large dogs tracking his every move from in front of the fireplace . `` apparently i do not know everything happening under my roof , because somebody placed a call putting eloisa 's flight at risk . i trusted someone i should n't have . '' `` you trusted me and my judgment . '' he scratched his tightening rib cage . his father snorted with impatience . `` do not be an impulsive jackass . think with your brain and not your heart . '' `` like you 've always done ? '' tony snapped , his patience for his father 's cryptic games growing short . once he finished his one-month obligation , he would n't set foot on this godforsaken island again . if memories of his life here before were unhappy , now they were gut-wrenching . his father should come to the mainland anyway for medical treatment . even enrique 's deep coffers could n't outfit the island with unlimited hospital options . enrique poured himself a drink and downed it swiftly . `` i let my heart guide me when i left san rinaldo . i was so terrified something would happen to my wife and sons that i did not think through our escape plan properly . '' invincible enrique was admitting a mistake ? tony let that settle inside him for a second before speaking . `` you set yourself up as a diversion . sounds pretty selfless to me . '' he 'd never doubted his father 's bravery or cool head . `` i did not think it through . '' he refilled his glass and stared into the amber liquid , signs of regret etched deep in his forehead . illness had never made the king appear weak , but at this moment , the ghosts of an old past showed a vulnerability tony had never seen before . `` if i had , i would have taken into account the way carlos would react if things went to hell . i arrogantly considered my plan foolproof . again , i thought with my emotions and those assassins knew exactly how to target my weakness . '' tony set aside his glass without touching a drop . empathy for his father seared him more fully than alcohol . understanding how it felt to have his feelings ripped up through his throat because of a woman gave him insights to his father he 'd never expected . `` you did your best at the time . '' could he say the same when it came to shannon ? `` i tried to make that right with this island . i did everything in my power to create a safe haven for my sons . '' `` but we all three left the protection of this place . '' `` that does n't matter to me . my only goal was keeping you safe until adulthood . by the time you departed , you took with you the skills to protect yourself , to make your way in the world . that never would have been possible if you 'd grown up with obligations to a kingdom . for that , i 'm proud . '' enrique 's simply spoken words enveloped him . even though his father was n't telling him anything he did n't already know , something different took root in him . just as his mother had made the silver security blanket as a `` shield , '' to make him feel protected , his father had been doing the same . his methods may not have been perfect , but their situation had been far from normal . they 'd all been scrambling to patch together their lives . some of his understanding must have shown on his face , because his father smiled approvingly . `` now , son , think about shannon logically rather than acting like a love-sick boy . '' love-sick boy ? now that stung more than a little . he did love her , and that had clouded his thinking . and he 'd let his gut drive his conclusions rather than logic . he forced his slugging heart to slow and collected what he knew about shannon . `` she 's a naturally cautious woman who would n't do anything to place her son at risk .	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more and more came back to her as the fog lifted , forcing her to face reality . he closed his eyes , his forehead still pressed to hers . she felt his sigh , the soft expulsion of breath over her mouth . it was a sound laden with sadness and regret . had she horribly misjudged him ? had she been too quick to convict him ? should she have confronted him ? there were so many what ifs that it made her head spin . `` it was part of the plan . i was working out the details , '' donovan said in an aching voice . `` it was what i planned to tell walt . to sell him on the fact that you did n't matter to me . that my only concern was for the children . i told him that i was concerned that you needed psychiatric help and would benefit from being under a doctor 's care . i acted as though i did n't know what an a**hole he was , and i was playing the part of a concerned citizen by turning you over to him so you 'd receive the help you needed . and i told him that once i was assured that you were no longer a threat to them that i would be willing to send travis and cammie back to him . i had hoped that he 'd incriminate himself . that he would be enraged that i was holding his children hostage for all practical purposes . but he got to you first and then met with me and agreed to every single one of my stipulations , and i knew then that something was wrong . he was too smug . too self-assured . and completely unbothered by the fact that i was keeping his children from him . and it turns out i was right because he already had you , and he left straight from our meeting and took you away from me and straight into hell . '' he went silent , and she realized he was valiantly trying to regain his composure . the words had been torn from him , choked , shaky , so filled with emotion that she could n't possibly doubt his sincerity . `` i 'll never forgive myself for that , '' donovan whispered . `` for what you endured . for making you doubt me even for a moment . i should have told you i loved you . i should have told you i wanted forever with you instead of being vague and talking about being a family . it 's little wonder you were so willing to believe the worst because i did n't give you reason to expect anything else from me . but eve , you 're my life . yes , i love travis and cammie , and yes , i want us to be a family . but not without you . you are the heart and soul of this family-our family . without you , none of us are whole . not me , not travis and not cammie . i want those kids , eve . do n't ever doubt it . i want to have children with you . to provide brothers and sisters for travis and cammie . `` oh donovan , '' she whispered , so overcome that his name was all she could say . his mouth found hers in the most tender of kisses . so gentle and reverent . and so very loving . had she been so insecure that she 'd been just waiting for the cards to fall and for the bottom to fall out ? had she been so unwilling to believe that such goodness and love existed that she 'd just bided her time , believing all the while that it could n't possibly be real ? the answer to all of those questions was yes . `` i 'm so sorry , '' she choked out . he lifted his head to frame her face in his palms . his eyes were fierce , blazing with intensity . `` you will never apologize to me , eve . i should be on my knees begging you for forgiveness , and if you 'll give me the chance , i 'll spend the rest of my life proving to you that no one will ever love you more than i do . no one will ever cherish you more than i . and i will never give you cause to regret placing your trust in me . '' she could n't even form a coherent response . there was so much she wanted to say but knew she did n't have a prayer of getting it all out . tears coursed down her cheeks , colliding with his hands . `` please tell me those are tears of joy or even relief , '' donovan begged . `` anything but sadness , eve . you 've had far too much sadness in your life and i only want you to be happy from now on . and i want to be the person who makes you happy . i 'll do whatever it takes to make you smile again . '' she smiled back at him , shaky , but she poured every ounce of the joy welling in her soul into her smile so he would know , so he would have no doubt . he caressed her face with both hands , back and forth , wiping away the tears as his expression grew even more serious . `` can you ever love me , eve ?	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he drew me toward him , but i pulled away , conscious for the first time what i must look like , face scratched and covered with tree sap , hair stiff with blotches of various unmentionable substances . `` i want to hold ye a moment . '' `` but i 'm covered with blood and vomit , '' i protested , making a vain effort to tidy my hair . he wheezed , the faint exhalation that was all his broken ribs would permit in the way of laughter . `` mother of god , sassenach , it 's my blood and my vomit . his arm was comforting around my shoulders . i rested my head on the pillow next to his , and we sat in silence by the fire , drawing strength and peace from one another . his fingers gently touched the small wound under my jaw . `` i did not think ever to see ye again , sassenach . '' his voice was low and a bit hoarse from whisky and screaming . `` not see me again ! did you think i would n't get you out ? '' he smiled , one-sided . `` weel , no , i did n't expect ye would . i thought if i said so , though , ye might get stubborn and refuse to go . '' `` me get stubborn ! '' there was a pause , which grew slightly awkward . there were things i should ask , necessary from the medical point of view , but rather touchy from the personal aspect . finally , i settled for `` how do you feel ? '' his eyes were closed , shadowed and sunken in the candlelight , but the lines of the broad back were tense under the bandages . the wide , bruised mouth twitched , somewhere between a smile and a grimace . i seem to want to do a number of things , all at once , but my mind 's at war wi ' me , and my body 's turned traitor . i want to get out of here at once , and run as fast and as far as i can . i want to hit someone . god , i want to hit someone ! i want to burn wentworth prison to the ground . `` stone does n't burn , '' i said practically . `` maybe you 'd better sleep , instead . '' his good hand groped for mine and found it , and the mouth relaxed somewhat , though his eyes stayed closed . `` i want to hold you hard to me and kiss you , and never let you go . i want to take you to my bed and use you like a whore , 'til i forget that i exist . and i want to put my head in your lap and weep like a child . '' the mouth turned up at one corner , and a blue eye opened slitwise . `` unfortunately , '' he said , `` i ca n't do any but the last of those without fainting or being sick again . '' `` well , then , i suppose you 'll just have to settle for that , and put the rest under the heading of future business , '' i said , laughing a little . it took a bit of shifting , and he nearly was sick again , but at last i was seated on his cot , my back against the wall , and his head resting on my thigh . `` what was it sir marcus cut from your breast ? '' `` a brand ? '' i said softly , as he gave me no reply . the bright head moved slightly in affirmation . `` a signet , with his initials . '' jamie laughed shortly . `` it 's enough i 'll carry his marks for the rest of my life , without letting him sign me , like a bloody painting . '' his head lay heavy on my thigh and his breathing eased at last in drowsy exhalations . the white bandages on his hand were ghostly against the dark blanket . i gently traced a burn mark on his shoulder , gleaming faintly with sweet oil . awake , he glanced from his bandaged hand to my face . his eyes closed and he began to shake . alarmed , i thought i had triggered some unbearable memory , until i realized that he was laughing , hard enough to force tears from the corners of his eyes . `` sassenach , '' he said at length , gasping , `` i 've maybe six square inches of skin left that are not bruised , burned , or cut . am i hurt ? '' and he shook again , making the felted mattress rustle and squeak . somewhat crossly , i said , `` i meant- '' but he stopped me by putting his good hand over mine and bringing it to his lips . `` i know what ye meant , sassenach , '' he said , turning his head to look up at me . `` never worry , the six inches that are left are all between my legs . '' i appreciated the effort it took to make the joke , feeble as it was . i slapped his mouth lightly . `` you 're drunk , james fraser , '' i said . `` six , eh ? '' maybe seven , then . oh , god , sassenach , dinna make me laugh again , my ribs wo n't stand it . 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bill lifted his head to look at her with a stare so furiously blue , his eyes almost glowed . blood trickled from a gash between his brows , ran down his face , and gathered between his teeth . he looked every inch like a demon . i was a girl , and you beat me within an inch of my life . '' `` is n't that what master pervert and the mick do to you before you spread your legs for them at that kink club ? '' of all the things raine expected to spew from his lips , the fact that he knew where she 'd been and who she 'd been with felt like a kick to the stomach . had her father tracked her down ... or had hammer and liam come here looking for her ? either possibility made her sick . she swallowed the nausea down . i wo n't let you desecrate them . they 're real men , which is more than you could ever say . '' raine doubled up her fist again and delivered a quick uppercut to his chin . `` filthy slut ! i 'm going to call the cops on you . '' `` go ahead , and i 'll tell them everything you ever did to me , including trying to rape me as a minor . want that to get out ? should i shout it louder for the neighbors ? '' the anger built and swelled inside her like a volcano . the lava in her veins bubbled over , and raine hit him again , his nose the perfect bull's-eye . after a sickening crunch , blood spurted . `` hammer made me attend self-defense classes . if you try to hurt me again , so help me , i 'll kill you , you worthless piece of shit , for all the years of misery you caused me . you drove my mother away , then my brother , my sister ... and finally me . you deserve every moment of your wretched solitude . rot in it ! '' raine clenched her fist again , but a firm hand at her elbow stopped her . she turned to find beck shaking his head-and his gun pointed in bill 's face . `` you 've done your damage . he 's not worth a trip to jail . she 'd love to stay and inflict more pain . emancipating . but beck was right . she refused to imprison herself in any way because of bill again . the adrenaline began to bleed from her veins , leaving her slightly shaky . but she felt more together than she had in years . no , ever . `` walk away , you f**king cunt , but you have n't seen the last of me . '' she did n't bother turning around , just raised her hand and flipped him her middle finger . the bastard did n't deserve anything more . they arrived back at the condo . beck let her in quietly . in fact , he had n't spoken a word to her since they 'd left her father , like he 'd known that she needed to be alone with her thoughts , replay the afternoon a few times in her head to feel the upsurge of triumph ... then the downhill slide into wondering what came next . instead of heading straight back to his place , beck had driven her to the beach and let her walk , silently trailing a few feet behind and keeping an eye on her . the crashing waves had quieted her head some . not nearly as well as liam 's spanking days before thanksgiving , but this worked for now . eventually , she 'd sat in the sand , closed her eyes , and cried until beck picked her up and put her in the car again . now she glanced at the clock on the oven . ten minutes to six . i saw you had some steaks in the fridge . i can cook those up . '' `` would cooking clear your head or would you rather have pizza ? '' `` i 'm actually not hungry . '' `` skipping dinner is n't an option . `` you want another bottle ? '' hair of the dog does n't appeal at all to me . '' that 's the first time i 've seen you be a sad drunk . `` gee , i 'll be more considerate of your delicate mood next time . '' raine rolled her eyes . beck swatted her on the ass . `` sassy little thing . i 'll start the barbeque . '' `` they 're better in the oven . forty-five minutes later , they sat down to dinner . afterward , beck answered a couple of texts , then swore . `` i have to head to the hospital for a bit . you 'll be okay here ? you wo n't do anything stupid ? '' `` like jump off the balcony ? '' raine looked at him like he was crazy . `` like run off , '' he said pointedly . she lost her feisty mien . it does n't work anymore . '' he grabbed his keys , then kissed her forehead . you 've done good . '' `` should i have breakfast ready in the morning ? '' `` i 'll have to see how this goes . i 'm probably headed to surgery .	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word had drifted to ian and patrick of the deceit eveline had perpetuated in order to escape her betrothal to ian . ian felt a fool and genevieve took advantage of his anger and his fixation with the lass . she helped plot eveline 's abduction and goaded ian to act . '' `` for god 's sake why ? '' graeme roared . `` because we were her only hope of salvation , '' bowen gritted out . graeme blinked and then shook his head . the lass is smart . she knew that the montgomerys and the armstrongs would not tolerate the taking of eveline . one or both of the clans would be forced into action . genevieve knew that we would come and we would seek revenge on ian-and patrick . it was her only hope of escaping the life that ian had forced upon her . '' graeme 's jaw bulged and he flexed it as he clamped his teeth together . 't was obvious he was battling his anger , and bowen did n't want that anger to go unchecked . `` there 's something else you should know , graeme . '' graeme glanced up , meeting bowen 's determined gaze . chapter 31 graeme 's face grew stormy . his mouth worked up and down , but no words would come out . `` she betrayed our clan-she betrayed eveline-and you love her ? `` she had good reason for what she did . i 'm torn on my feelings over it , but she was in a desperate position and she did what she had to in order to survive . i can not fault the lass for that . if eveline was not your beloved wife , you would not see fault , either . '' `` do not tell me what i would find fault in , '' graeme said fiercely . `` she purposely put another woman in harm 's way for her own gain . i shudder to think of all that eveline endured . 't is my greatest fear , even today , that she did not speak of all of it in an effort to spare me the pain of knowing . have you any idea what it 's like to worry that something that horrific has happened to someone you love with all your heart and soul ? '' `` that and more has happened to genevieve . repeatedly , '' bowen said coldly . graeme exhaled and his expression eased . he looked weary and he rubbed at his forehead. `` 't is not something i can easily forgive , bowen . you can not expect me to accept this . '' `` i promised her that we would give her sanctuary within the montgomery clan , '' bowen said through a tight jaw . `` i would give her that protection as my wife . '' graeme 's jaw went slack , and his eyes darkened with anger . `` you would marry a woman who has so wronged your clan ? your sister by marriage ? think of what you do , bowen . she has you by the cods . 't is clear she is manipulating you . '' fury blew over bowen . he 'd not expected graeme to be happy over the situation . he expected his anger . he 'd not expected graeme to take things this far and insult him in the process . `` i 'll not grant my blessing for this , '' graeme said , his voice laced with anger . `` i 'll not welcome her into the montgomery clan . '' ice slid into his heart . bowen was numb with the realization of the choice before him . and yet he knew without hesitation that it was the right choice . he could not leave genevieve . he could not break his vow to see her protected . she 'd been dealt so much at such a young age . it was unconscionable to throw her to the wolves and walk away . even if it meant going his own way . `` i 'll be with genevieve with or without your blessing , '' bowen said , his words dropping like stones in the silence of the room . graeme stared at him , mouth gaping . `` you would really choose this woman over your own kin ? '' bowen stared back for a long moment , the silence growing ever more uncomfortable . `` tell me something , graeme . would you choose your kin over eveline ? '' graeme seemed stunned by the question . his brows furrowed and he did n't open his mouth to respond . bowen 's lip curled and he gazed at his brother in disgust . he turned , only wanting to step away so that his anger could calm and he could think more rationally . when he put his hand out to open the door , he paused and turned back to graeme , who was still sitting by the fire . `` you can rest in my chamber this night . i 'll seek other accommodations . '' he quietly left the room and shut the door behind him . it was instinctive to go to genevieve 's door . he hated to barge in without knocking , but neither did he want to remain in the hall long enough to be seen .	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diane 's cornflower blue eyes widened and her painted mouth formed an astonished o . she stumbled along beside him as he led her out of the room . `` but you al ow her to talk to me the way she did ? when syre returned , alone , his handsome features were grim . `` you 're in a mood today , '' he said curtly . `` i just saved you from a week or more of begging and pleading . and you need a mistress . '' `` my sexual proclivities are none of your concern . '' `` your mental wel -being is , '' she shot back . `` find someone whose company you enjoy and keep her around . let her look after you a bit . '' `` i do n't need the complication . '' `` it does n't have to be complicated . '' she dropped into one of the seats in front of his desk , her hands smoothing her sleek khaki pants . `` i 'm talking about a business arrangement . i do n't understand it myself , but there are some women who can have sex just because it 's fun . set one up in a nice place and give her an al owance . '' syre shook his head . `` you are becoming my pimp . '' `` maybe you need one . '' `` i 'm insulted by even the concept of f**king a woman who feels obligated to comply . '' `` there is n't a woman alive who would find it a chore . '' even she , a woman who was happily mated to the love of her life , was n't immune to syre 's sexual appeal . he was the kind of man that hit a woman right between the eyes every time she saw him . sensuous , seductive , hypnotic . `` you wil cease talking about this . '' you need someone to care about you , samyaza . '' the use of his angelic name thrust home her seriousness . his gaze sharpened and narrowed as he sank into his chair behind the desk . `` i did n't say love you . someone to make you coffee in the morning , just the way you like it . someone to watch a rerun on television with you . you know , just someone who 's around who knows you and wants good things for you . '' leaning back , he set his elbows on the armrests and steepled his fingertips together . `` i 've been asked to explain you at times . explain what you are to me . i have n't come up with the right answer yet . you are my second , but you 're not merely a subordinate officer to me . we 're more than friends , yet i do n't view you as a sister . i love you , but i 'm not in love with you . i am aware of your beauty as any man would be , yet i 'm not interested in sleeping with you . you are the most important woman in my life and i 'd be utterly lost without you , but i would never want to cohabitate with you . what are you to me , vashti ? what gives you the right to discuss such personal matters with me ? '' categorizing what they were to each other was something she 'd never done . for her , their relationship just ... was . she was an extension of him in many ways . `` i 'm your right hand , '' she decided , then she tossed him the object she held . he caught it deftly , his reflexes quick and agile . `` half of a charm i took off asmodeus 's lackey . i left the other half on the pile of ashes she turned into when i kil ed her . when it was whole , it bore asmodeus 's sigil . '' `` you 're taunting him . '' vash shook her head . `` three in two weeks ? he 's al owing , maybe even encouraging , his underlings to toy with us . we 're a prize-angels who were thrown away like garbage . '' `` we have enough enemies as it is . '' `` no , we have jailers-the sentinels and their lycan dogs . the demons are possible enemies , if we do n't correct them . we have to take a stand . '' `` this is n't the way i would see things handled . '' that 's why you put me in charge of dealing with demon annoyances . '' `` you can shake on a truce with your other hand . i 'm the hand that flips them off . '' a commotion in the hal way pushed her swiftly to her feet . vash moved to the open doorway with preternatural speed , beating syre by a mere mil isecond . what she saw froze her blood . raze and salem carried an al -too-familiar body into the house , making a beeline for the dining room , where they laid him on the long oval table . she snapped , entering the room and staring at ice 's motionless body . the minion 's skin was burned black in places and blistered al over .	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she 'd always believed that hard work and dedication would bring you success even if it were for a career that she did n't feel she was destined for . still , having grown up in a family where she felt the sting of watching her parents struggle just to make ends meet , she was n't one to turn down an opportunity , even if it led her away from her dreams . but now kate thought about how gage had once told her , many years ago , about success and happiness being all about passion and zest for life , not just going through the motions and certainly not living a lie . his words had never rung more true till now . watching him perform in front of screaming fans , doing what he loved to do ... what he was born to do , had opened her eyes to the truth . she was n't happy with her career and while she had always been the type to do the responsible , practical thing , she envied gage 's free spirit and how despite all odds , he pursued his dream and now it was his reality . she wished she had done the same ... had the same faith in herself that he once had in her . faith that she had never returned to him when he was begging her for only one thing - to believe in him . his lips now pressing against her neck snapped her back to reality , and she looked up at him to see desire crinkling the corners of his eyes . `` so , what 's it gon na be , kate ? '' jaw flexed , his lips curled into a smile that sent a burst of heat to the apex between her legs . that bad-boy smile would have melted even the most frozen of hearts and kate found herself simply nodding , not trusting herself to speak . `` good , '' he replied in a gentle whisper , his lips grazing her forehead , his warm breath fluttering across her cheeks to her neck . shivering in delight , she simply allowed herself to curl against him , her head nestled in the crook of his broad shoulder , her hand pressed tightly against his chest . oh yeah , she was under his spell all right , and she knew there was no going back . * * * when he caught sight of her , dressed in a short , black leather skirt that hugged her ample hps and showed off her shapely thighs , matched with a fitted low-cut turquoise t-shirt that emphasized her oversized brsts , he found himself fighting the incredible urge to rip her clothes from her body and ravish her like a wild animal in heat . she was absolutely stunning , and he tried to stop the powerful torrent of emotions and memories that washed over him but he could n't stop his cck from stiffening at the alluring sight of her and the seductive way she moved toward him . `` you look amazing '' , he had said , desire jolting through his body , but he simply took her hand in his and guided her to the waiting limo . before long they were pulling up to the gated drive . chase stone owned a sprawling three-story condo in the heart of the city - just the kind of home one would expect from an internationally acclaimed dj who 'd worked with the top recording artists in the music industry . everyone either wanted to know chase , or be chase . just one look at him , and it was clear that he was also incredibly good looking with his flaxen hair , piercing blue eyes , and hot as sin australian accent . by the time the band arrived at the party it was already in full swing , with celebrities huddled in corners gossiping , party girls and socialites drinking up a storm and men from different sectors of the music industry throwing back shots , followed by a constant roar of laughter . a self-conscious kate appeared on gage 's arm . she prayed that there would n't be any paparazzi lurking in the shadows eager to snap their photos , as she was n't so sure she could possibly handle the burning eyes and barrage of questions that would follow should the public discover them together . besides , the last thing kate wanted was for her picture to be splashed all over the tabloids , the headline screaming out to the public that she was nothing more than gage 's latest conquest . although she had to admit , in her tight shirt and short leather skirt complete with platform peep-toe heels , she certainly looked like a woman befitting of a rockstar . chase stone was a fantastic host and he proudly opened his beautiful home to his friends , grinning from ear to ear as each guest arrived . when he saw gage , his smile widened and he greeted him with a quick hug , leaning in close to whisper something that brought a roar of laughter from the two men . his jovial demeanor , impeccable sense of style , undeniable good looks and a bank account that would impress even a real estate mogul , it was a surprise to many that he was still single . one of the most eligible bachelors in the country , his status certainly was n't for lack of options .	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4544], ["looks", 4544], ["bank", 4555], ["account", 4563], ["impress", 4582], ["reis", 4594], ["real", 4594], ["estate", 4601], ["mogul", 4607], ["moguls", 4607], ["surprise", 4627], ["surprised", 4627], ["single", 4660], ["eligible", 4687], ["bachelor", 4697], ["bachelors", 4697], ["country", 4712], ["status", 4725], ["lack", 4752], ["option", 4763], ["options", 4763]]
my hair was magenta , actually . but , do go on ... catching my grin , the ass smirks . `` so , as per usual , i 'm a fking ass to her . that 's not because of her , it 's just who i am . but instead of running or getting upset , she stares me down like the ahole i am . and i can only think about one thing . '' he plays with my hair and runs his hands down my bare back as though he 's finished telling his story . clearly going insane from not knowing , i demand , `` well ? what was the one thing ? '' ghost moves his large hands to rest on my hps and stares at my brsts . completely ignoring me , he mumbles , `` fuck . you 've got great tits , babe . '' i open my mouth to hurl some form of abuse at him when he lowers his face in between my brsts and nuzzles the sensitive flesh there . leaning back , i sigh , running my fingers through his now-short hair . against my skin , he admits , `` the only thing i could think about was how that girl was somehow going to rock my world . and , fk me , she did . i was sneaking around to get close to her . making sure she had no place to sit apart from next to me so i could listen to her talk . something about that girl was calming me . making life easier for me . '' planting kisses up my chest to my throat , he nips the skin there and goes on . `` then just when i think everything 's going well , she stiffs me . tells me we should avoid each other . and even though it damn near kills me , i tell her it 's cool , even though it 's really fking not . so i spend the next few months fking everything with a pulse because i ca n't have that girl . '' my heart squeezes at that last part . i was too selfish to notice . his kisses a trail up my chin , tracing up my jaw and back down til he reaches my lips once more . i hold his face in my hands and smack gentle kisses on his lips while looking into his eyes . an almost apology . with smiling eyes , he continues . `` the thing is , nothing i did got this girl out of my head . she became an obsession . my choice of girls got pickier . no redheads . no green eyes . no attitude . '' he runs his thumb over my bottom lip . `` definitely no sexy-as-hell , full blowjob lips . '' his intense stare remains focused on my lips and he whispers , `` spent months thinking about what these lips would taste like . fucking drove me crazy . '' holy shitballs , this is intense . then again everything with ghost is intense . with every word he says , my heart swells a little . i almost have a pulse again . i 'm nearly alive again . i put my hands on his chest and manage to find my voice , `` why did n't you say anything ? '' he shushes me , makes a show of clearing his throat and continues the story . `` then one night , i think i 've gone nuts because there she is , the obsession , at my door . so beautifully mussed . she 's in these goofy pajamas , her slippers are actual mouse heads and she 's angry . she tells me we 're neighbors and to please f*k my night 's conquest a little quieter . as quickly as she came , she 's gone . no way in hell i can get it up now , so i send the woman home . but all night i think about my obsession . and knowing she lives next to me , without even having contact with her , it makes me calmer and lighter . it 's like the seven months without her were forgotten and i knew i had to do something to keep her around . '' he kisses me softly once , twice . then , `` now , after all that bullshit , i know a few things . '' he kisses me again , his tongue traces my lips . `` i know she tastes like cherries and smells like vanilla . that i can trust her and i do . we 're friends because we understand each other . she told me once we 're the same kind . we just get each other . she 's the first person i 've met who does n't want to change me or force me to open up . she just lets me be . and that 's what i need . '' `` so , i guess you could say i missed you too , pretty girl . '' my belly warms . i 'm full of feels right now . i 'm on an information overload . he calls me his obsession and i totally get it . it 's not a creepy thing . i am for him what he is to me . he 's my sexual perfection and nothing else compares . and knowing he missed me as much as i missed him is awesome .	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["neighbor", 2957], ["neighbors", 2957], ["please", 2971], ["conquest", 2997], ["quieter", 3014], ["quickly", 3027], ["come", 3039], ["came", 3039], ["way", 3062], ["ways", 3062], ["send", 3102], ["woman", 3112], ["womans", 3112], ["home", 3117], ["homing", 3117], ["live", 3184], ["without", 3205], ["contact", 3225], ["calm", 3255], ["calms", 3255], ["lighter", 3267], ["seven", 3290], ["forget", 3324], ["forgot", 3324], ["forgotten", 3324], ["know", 3335], ["knowest", 3335], ["knew", 3335], ["keep", 3365], ["keepest", 3365], ["softly", 3401], ["twice", 3414], ["bullshit", 3456], ["know", 3465], ["knowest", 3465], ["thing", 3478], ["things", 3478], ["tongue", 3515], ["tonguing", 3515], ["trace", 3522], ["traces", 3522], ["taste", 3553], ["tastes", 3553], ["cherry", 3567], ["cherries", 3567], ["smell", 3578], ["smelt", 3578], ["smellest", 3578], ["smells", 3578], ["vanilla", 3591], ["trust", 3610], ["friend", 3640], ["friends", 3640], ["understand", 3662], ["understanded", 3662], 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`` well , you 're a beautiful tough girl , so i would feel better making sure you do n't get mauled on your way to relieve some of that alcohol out of your system . '' she casually shrugged . he led her gently by the elbow to one of the bathrooms located on the first floor . with the long line wrapping its way through the kitchen , they decided to try one of the others available on the second level . emily peered at the mountain of stairs with a look of grief . gavin smiled at her reaction and helped her climb her way to the top . to her dismay , the line for that bathroom was longer . gavin let out a full throaty laugh at the look on her face . she shook her head and explained there was a third level that supposedly had more bathrooms . as he did before , he helped her up the stairs . with no line at all and the top level essentially empty , emily was in and out within two minutes . when emily emerged , she found gavin leaning against the wall , his eyes locking on hers as she walked over to him . mocking his position , she stood next to him , their shoulders barely brushing . she turned her neck to look up at him . `` thank you for making sure i did n't get attacked on my way up here . '' pushing himself off the wall , gavin stepped directly in front of her - so close that he could feel the heat emanating from her body . are you ready to go back downstairs ? '' tempting her own destruction , she shook her head . the sounds from the music and party going on below faded away . other than her own quick breathing , emily could hear only his voice , see only his eyes , and feel only his hot breath feathering her cheeks . gavin could feel the emotions filtering through her eyes . all of which mirrored his own . he stepped closer still , their eyes never unlocking . not answering and acting on impulse , she pressed herself against him , melting into the solidness of his hard body . she slowly brought her arms up around his neck , stared deep into his eyes , and pulled the smooth musky scent of his cologne through her nose . she anchored him with a salacious gaze , their lips inches apart with her sweet alcohol-infused breath dancing across his face . `` say it , emily . '' the words came out in a low growl as he grasped the curve of her hips . even in her alcohol-induced daze , she knew what he meant . with her chest rising and falling from her labored breathing , she answered , barely getting the words past her lips . with the weight of his body , he pressed her back against the wall and licked the soft spot below her earlobe . `` tell me how much you fucking want me , '' he breathed . heat pulsed in her stomach , tingling through her entire being , as his tongue traced a wet torrid line up her neck . `` oh god , gavin , '' she moaned , her body trembling . `` you 're in my dreams , in my thoughts , in my skin . '' before she could catch her breath , he claimed her mouth . his lips were a shock to her system , breaking the rhythm and certainty of her beating heart . he tasted of mint , a little bit of booze , and something inherently gavin . delicious heat curled through every muscle , every fiber , and every cell in her body . with one hand splayed across the small of her back , he took the other and buried it in her tangled curls . emily moaned softly as the heat of his mouth moved easily over her lips . the assault on her nerves was close to overwhelming , not allowing a single coherent thought to pass through her mind . he might have stolen her breath the first time they kissed , but here and now - stealthy like a cat burglar - he was trying to steal her heart . with alcohol , lust , and desire reeling through her veins , emily was dimly aware of them haphazardly stumbling into an empty bedroom . with the back of his foot , gavin kicked the door closed . they embraced one another like a boa constrictor wrapped around its prey . gavin let out a groan as their lips briefly tore apart , allowing enough time for emily to pull his shirt up over his head . gavin 's fingers fumbled to unbutton her blouse , eventually tossing it to the floor . with both of their chests heaving for air - emily in her bra , skirt , and heels and gavin left only in his pants - they stood face to face staring at each other for a beat . the connection caught and ricocheted through them . never breaking his gaze , gavin bent his head and crushed his mouth to hers again , her lips tasting better than he remembered . his hands roamed over her soft skin as he studied every inch , reading her flesh like a novel written in braille . everything about her was pure deliciousness . he kissed her as though the brief time they had been apart had starved him of all basic human necessities .	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["barely", 1083], ["brush", 1092], ["brushest", 1092], ["brushing", 1092], ["turn", 1105], ["turned", 1105], ["neck", 1114], ["necked", 1114], ["thank", 1143], ["thanks", 1143], ["thankest", 1143], ["attack", 1186], ["attacked", 1186], ["push", 1217], ["pushing", 1217], ["step", 1254], ["stepped", 1254], ["directly", 1263], ["front", 1272], ["close", 1290], ["heat", 1318], ["heats", 1318], ["heated", 1318], ["emanate", 1328], ["emanating", 1328], ["body", 1342], ["bodied", 1342], ["ready", 1358], ["go", 1364], ["goest", 1364], ["back", 1369], ["downstairs", 1380], ["tempt", 1394], ["temptest", 1394], ["tempting", 1394], ["destruction", 1414], ["sound", 1448], ["sounds", 1448], ["music", 1463], ["musics", 1463], ["party", 1473], ["go", 1479], ["goest", 1479], ["going", 1479], ["fade", 1494], ["faded", 1494], ["away", 1499], ["quick", 1526], ["breathing", 1536], ["hear", 1555], ["hears", 1555], ["voice", 1570], ["see", 1576], ["hot", 1614], ["breath", 1621], ["breathest", 1621], ["feather", 1632], ["feathering", 1632], ["cheek", 1643], ["cheeks", 1643], ["emotion", 1675], ["emotions", 1675], ["filter", 1685], ["filterest", 1685], ["filtering", 1685], ["mirror", 1726], ["mirrored", 1726], ["close", 1754], ["closer", 1754], ["still", 1760], ["never", 1779], ["answer", 1805], ["answeres", 1805], ["answerest", 1805], ["answering", 1805], ["act", 1816], ["acted", 1816], ["acting", 1816], ["impulse", 1827], ["press", 1841], ["pressed", 1841], ["melt", 1871], ["meltest", 1871], ["melting", 1871], ["solidness", 1890], ["hard", 1902], ["slowly", 1920], ["bring", 1928], ["brought", 1928], ["arm", 1937], ["arms", 1937], ["around", 1947], ["stare", 1965], ["stared", 1965], ["deep", 1970], ["deeply", 1970], ["pull", 1997], ["pulled", 1997], ["smooth", 2008], ["musky", 2014], ["scent", 2020], ["scentest", 2020], ["cologne", 2035], ["nose", 2052], ["nosed", 2052], ["nosing", 2052], ["anchor", 2067], ["anchoring", 2067], ["anchored", 2067], ["salacious", 2088], ["gaze", 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`` frank 's a really nice guy , '' angela insisted . `` i would n't steer you wrong , you know i would n't . '' robin restrained herself from reminding her friend of the disastrous date she 'd arranged several weeks earlier . `` i 've known frank all my life , '' angela said . `` he 's decent and nice . '' decent and nice were two words robin had come to hate . every man she 'd ever met in this kind of arrangement was either decent or nice . robin had come to think the two words were synonymous with dull , unattractive and emotionally manipulative . generally these were recently divorced men who 'd willingly placed themselves in the hands of family and friends to get them back into circulation . `` did n't you tell me that frank just got divorced ? '' `` yes , about six months ago . '' `` what do you mean you 're not interested ? '' angela demanded . `` i do n't want to meet him . angela , i know you mean well , and i apologize if i sound like a spoilsport , but i ca n't tell you the number of times i 've had to nurse the fragile egos of recently divorced men . most of the time they 're emotional wrecks . '' `` but frank 's divorce was final months ago . '' `` if you still want me to meet him in a year , i 'll be more than happy to have you arrange a dinner date . '' angela released a ragged sigh . there was a short disappointed silence . `` fine , '' angela said in obvious frustration . because she felt guilty , robin added , `` i 'll bring the coffee . '' robin lingered in the kitchen , frowning . she hated it when her friends put her on the spot like this . it was difficult enough to say no , but knowing that angela 's intentions were genuine made it even worse . just as she was struggling with another attack of guilt , the phone rang again . her friend must have suspected that robin 's offer to buy the coffee was a sign that she was weakening . gathering her fortitude , robin seized the receiver and said firmly , `` i 'm not interested in dating frank . i do n't want to be rude , but that 's final ! '' her abrupt words were followed by a brief shocked silence , and then , `` robin , hello , this is cole camden . '' `` cole , '' she gasped , closing her eyes . `` uh , i 'm sorry , i thought you were someone else . she slumped against the wall and covered her face with one hand . `` i have this friend who 's always trying to arrange dates for me , and she does n't take no for an answer , '' robin quickly explained . `` i suppose you have friends wanting to arrange dates for you , too . '' no doubt there were women all over san francisco who longed to go out with cole . he did n't require a personal matchmaker . all someone like him had to do was look interested and women would flock to his side . her hand tightened around the receiver and a sick weightless feeling attacked the pit of her stomach . i did n't mean to shout in your ear . '' `` i suppose you called to talk to jeff , '' she said . `` he 's with blackie and kelly-kelly lawrence , the little girl who lives on the other side of us . '' `` he 'll be back in a few minutes , if you 'd like to call then . or if you prefer , i could run and get him , but he said something about sneaking out and going for help and- '' `` i beg your pardon ? what 's jeff doing ? '' `` oh , they 're playing in the fort , pretending they 're houston and daniel boone . the fort is now the alamo . '' no , do n't worry about chasing after him . i 'd hate to see you waylaid by the mexican army . '' `` i do n't think i 'd care for that myself . '' she must have sounded rushed because he said , `` you 're sure this is n't a bad time ? if you have company ... `` `` no , i 'm here alone . '' another short silence , which was broken by cole . `` so everything 's okay with blackie ? he is n't causing you any problems , is he ? '' `` oh , no , everything 's great . jeff lavishes him with attention . the two of them are together practically every minute . blackie even sleeps beside his bed . '' `` as you said , jeff has a way with animals , '' cole murmured . his laugh , so tender and warm , was enough to jolt her . she had to pinch herself to remember that cole was a prominent attorney , wealthy and respected . she was an accountant . a junior accountant at that .	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goodness would n't be able to look a single friend in the face . well , she was n't accepting defeat that easily . `` it ca n't get much worse , '' mercy agreed . shirley was back to her pacing in front of the wilcoffs ' christmas tree . the living room was empty , with julie in her room and dean overseeing a last-minute security check of the fletcher building . `` this is your fault , '' goodness said , glaring at mercy . `` if you had n't been so busy tossing salmon in pike place market and holding security guards by the knees , we might 've made some headway . '' `` give it up , '' mercy growled . `` besides , we both know you had a hand on jason , too . i could n't have held him back all by myself . that guy has muscles . '' shirley planted herself between the other two and shook her head . `` we do n't have time to play the blame game . '' `` you 're telling me , '' goodness moaned . `` it 's already five o'clock . '' `` that means we have seven paltry hours , '' shirley said , glancing at the old-fashioned clock on the fireplace mantel . `` woe is we . '' goodness could n't believe that a prayer request could go so wrong . they 'd worked harder on this one than on any previous request . in years past , they 'd each received separate assignments , but she 'd assumed that with their combined efforts this one would 've been simplicity itself . and if there was anything goodness hated , it was having to admit she 'd failed . `` we 've just got to do something . '' they had a few hours left . mercy cried . `` think , '' shirley ordered . defeated and depressed , goodness walked into the darkened kitchen and threw open the refrigerator door . for a long moment , she studied the contents . it was easy to understand why so many humans turned to food for comfort . a pan of something dipped in chocolate was bound to improve any situation . `` i had hope until roy threw out her letter , '' mercy said . `` without reading it . '' shirley asked , although the question was rhetorical . `` i thought humans were curious about things . '' that was a characteristic they shared with angels . `` i 'm sure he was tempted , '' shirley said , sadness weighting her words . `` however , his fear was even stronger . '' `` he was afraid ? '' goodness was unable to decipher human reasoning . `` of changing his mind , '' shirley explained . `` he knew if he read julie 's letter , he might be swayed . he could n't hold on to his anger if he allowed himself to feel her love . '' `` but love is what he needs ! '' goodness wanted to weep with frustration . shirley was right . roy had closed himself off from love , even though he needed it , even though he wanted it . he equated love with pain . opening his heart made him vulnerable , and he could n't risk that after what his father and aimee had done . `` i 'd so hoped for a better outcome , '' shirley murmured forlornly , `` especially for anne 's sake . '' `` anne , '' goodness repeated , remembering shirley 's previous connection to roy 's mother . she studied the former guardian angel and detected a suspicious smile in her eyes . quickly shirley looked away . `` shirley , '' goodness pressed , certain now that her friend was up to something , `` you 're holding out on us . '' mercy joined in . a giggle escaped , followed by another . `` i made a quick trip to new york , and ... well , you 'll see soon enough . '' `` does it have to do with roy and julie ? '' the laughter in shirley 's eyes faded . `` with anne ? '' the humor was back and she nodded . `` all in good time , my friends , all in good time . '' `` but what are we going to do about roy and julie ? '' even with the clock ticking away the last hours , goodness refused to give up . somehow or other , they had to accomplish their goal . `` that letter could always find its way back into his life , '' goodness suggested . of course , that might entail a bit of detective work ... `` i will serve the lord with my whole heart , '' mercy said , `` but i am not digging around in someone 's garbage . that just is n't me . '' `` you would if it meant we could answer this prayer request , would n't you ? '' mercy looked uncertain . with her arms crossed , she cocked her head to one side and shrugged . `` then let 's get to it , '' goodness said with renewed hope . `` we 'll find the letter , and we 'll make sure he reads it . 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only last weekend he 'd changed the oil in her car while she sewed a couple of loose buttons on his shirts . it was a fair exchange and afterward they 'd gone out for hamburgers . the tension between them did n't seem to be as great as when they 'd gone to the movie . it was time to try again . there could well be a reason to celebrate , and a night on the town appealed to him . it was n't every day his wife 's temperature was elevated by one tenth of one percent . jamie was on her lunch break , and rich did n't leave a message . when he did , she was tied up with a customer . the next time he tried , the bank was closed , so he left a message for her at home . `` this is prince charming requesting your presence for dinner . do n't eat until you talk to me . rich expected a message from jamie to be waiting for him when he arrived at his apartment . he tried her again at six , six-fifteen , six-thirty and six-forty-five , leaving a message all four times . by seven o'clock , he was worried . a thousand possibilities crowded his mind , none of them pleasant . he paced the living room in an effort to convince himself he was overreacting , then dialed her number one last time . he listened to her recording yet again , and seethed anxiously during the long beep . `` jamie , where the hell are you ? '' six jamie checked her watch , keeping her wrist below the table , hoping she was n't being obvious . eight-thirty ! she 'd been trapped listening to the endless details of floyd bacon 's divorce for three solid hours . she nodded , although she had no idea what she was agreeing to . a yawn came and she attempted to swallow it , did n't succeed and tactfully pressed her fingers to her lips . floyd was such a nice man and she was trying hard to disguise her boredom . `` my goodness , look at the time , '' floyd said . it had all started so innocently . jamie had dated floyd about five years ago . he was a regular customer at the bank and they 'd seen each other off and on for a six-month period . nothing serious , nothing even close to serious . then he 'd met carolyn and the two of them had fallen in love and married . jamie had attended their wedding . she remembered what she bought them for a wedding gift-a set of stainless steel flatware with rosebuds on the handles . he and carolyn had bought a house a few months later . jamie had handled the loan application for them , but when they 'd moved , they 'd switched their account to a branch closer to where they lived . in the past three years , carolyn had quit work to stay home with their two young children . `` i ca n't tell you how sorry i am the marriage did n't work out , '' jamie said , wondering what could possibly have gone wrong between two people who so obviously loved each other . she would never have suspected this would happen to floyd and carolyn , of all people . of all couples . `` i 'm sorry , too , '' floyd said . his dark eyes touched her with their sadness . he 'd moved into an apartment and had stopped at the bank to open a checking account . but a new account was only a pretext , jamie soon learned ; for airing his frustration with carolyn , his marriage , his two preschool children and life in general . floyd had arrived just before closing time , lingered until he was the last customer in the bank and then asked jamie to join him for a drink . she 'd hesitated , but he 'd looked so downtrodden and miserable that she 'd gone against her better judgment . a drink soon turned into two and then floyd suggested they have something to eat . at the time , it had seemed reasonable , but that was an hour and a half ago . `` i really should be going home , '' she said , reaching for her purse . it was friday night and the work week had seemed extra-long and she was tired . keeping track of her temperature and charting it was draining her emotional energy . no , she decided , talking to rich every morning was responsible for that . speaking to him first thing , discussing the intimate details of her reproductive system , hearing his enthusiasm ... talking about their child . nothing had prepared her for the effect all this was having . she lived for those brief two-minute calls . it was almost as if he were in bed beside her ... almost as if he were holding her in his arms . this closeness she felt toward him frightened her . the magnitude of what they 'd done , of what they were planning , the child they 'd conceive together , had brought subtle and not-so-subtle changes to their relationship .	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maybe it 's just my pride talking , i do n't know , but i 'd be more comfortable if she made the first move . '' roy allowed chad 's words to hang in the air for a moment before he responded . `` i 'll hold off a bit longer if that 's what you want . however , for the sake of my relationship with my wife , i think it might be a good idea if i confessed sooner rather than later . '' chad understood . go ahead and tell gloria . '' he did n't like it but roy had done him one favor already . `` i 'll take the books to her , '' mack volunteered . `` we 've had a couple of good talks recently . '' roy raised his brows in question . chad was curious , too , although it was n't his place to ask . `` gloria had to tell sheriff davis she 's pregnant , and as of next week she 's going on desk duty . '' chad was relieved to hear it . however , mack looked away as he spoke , which led chad to believe there was more to this than he was saying . `` well , it 's standard protocol for pregnant officers . '' mack shifted in his seat , clearly uncomfortable with this turn in the conversation . `` but , okay , the fact is that gloria 's in her mid-thirties , so the obstetrician is being extra cautious . '' `` has she told her mother about this ? '' roy sighed , and chad guessed that corrie had n't said anything to roy because she was still upset with him . `` the doctor 's scheduled an ultrasound . '' chad did his best to hide his own anxiety . he 'd dealt with a lot of pregnancies and a lot of babies during his medical career-but none of those babies had been his . and although he was well aware that many women had babies later in life , he could n't help worrying about gloria . `` ca n't because you do n't know ? or because she 'd disapprove ? '' chad asked sharply . `` ca n't because i do n't know . it 's nothing out of the ordinary , '' mack said . `` at least as far as i 've been given to understand . it 's just that when it 's someone close to you , i guess you worry more . but at least she 'll be sitting safely behind a desk from now on . '' knowing gloria , she 'd hate desk duty . she liked nothing better than being a beat cop , responding to calls and crises , interacting with the people of cedar cove . chad found it interesting that she 'd gone into police work , following in the footsteps of the father she never knew . `` do you want me to call you if she mentions when the ultrasound is ? '' `` do n't worry , son , '' roy said , his words and the sound of his voice lending chad confidence . it did for corrie and me , and i 'm convinced it will for you and gloria , too . '' chad relaxed in his chair . he had to believe roy was right and there was actually a chance for him and gloria . four it 'd been a week since rachel had moved out of the house , and bruce was stunned that she had n't returned . he 'd tried to be patient , giving her the space and time she claimed she needed . but he wanted her back with him and jolene now , back where she belonged . the knot in his stomach had n't disappeared yet , and it would n't , not until she came home . bruce still did n't know where she 'd gone . he 'd talked to her friends . even teri seemed bewildered about where she was , and her words rang true . rachel 's best friend was clearly very concerned about her . `` dad , can you help me with this ? '' jolene asked , strolling into the kitchen , a math book clutched to her chest . she 'd been lounging in the backyard under a big striped umbrella , talking on her cell phone and pretending to do her homework . bruce looked up from the table where he 'd been sitting . `` you know i 'm no good at this . '' the real problem , however , was his short fuse . he had limited patience when it came to explaining basic math . computer programs were a different matter . those he knew his way around ; it was the theoretical stuff that stumped him-partly for lack of interest . things had been a lot better when rachel was there to step in . `` dad , this is just review . you helped me last year , remember ? '' she cocked her head to one side , her dark brown eyes pleading with him . `` i passed the test . i never would have if you had n't helped me . '' `` that was n't me , '' he reminded her . `` it was rachel . '' her smile instantly disappeared . i would n't let rachel anywhere near my homework . 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now , however , she was back to her opinionated self . 'it was a pleasant walk , certainly , but not really challenging , ' she pronounced . 'beautiful scenery . i could look at that big sky for ever , ' winnie said . 'oh , indeed , but we should go the other way tomorrow , take the route south . there 's much more to see , mrs starr said . all those little creeks , inlets ; we can look in the caves . ' 'it looked like a trickier route . let 's see if any of the others have done it first . ' winnie was cautious . 'oh , they 're all sheep . they wo n't take on anything adventurous . that 's what we came for , is n't it , winnie ? one last gesture to fight the elements before we settle into middle age . ' 'you are n't settling anywhere , ' winnie said . 'no , but you are showing dangerous signs of becoming very middle-aged . where 's your spirit , winnie ? tomorrow we 'll take a packed lunch and hit the south face of stoneybridge . ' winnie smiled as if in agreement . she had n't a notion of putting herself at risk because lillian was playing games . but that could all be dealt with tomorrow morning . in the meantime , she would just put in the time being charming and pleasant and unruffled . the prize was teddy . please , dear , kind god , may he be worth it all . they went back to stone house on the bus and the guests were coming back from their excursions . the log fire blazed in the hearth . everyone was drinking tea and eating scones . it was as if they had always lived this life . at dinner , winnie sat across from freda , who said she was an assistant librarian . winnie explained that she was a nurse . 'do you have an attachment ? ' 'no , i work through an agency ; a different hospital every day , really . ' 'i actually meant a love attachment . ' lillian was listening . 'we are all a bit past love interests at our age , ' she tinkled . 'i do n't know ... ' freda was thoughtful . 'very odd woman , that , ' lillian said later , in a whisper . 'i thought she was good fun , i must say , ' winnie said . 'as i 've said before , winnie , you are totally undemanding . it 's amazing how little you ask from life ! ' winnie 's lips stretched into a smile . 'that 's me , ' she simpered . 'as you said , easily pleased . ' all the others were talking about tomorrow 's weather . storms coming in from the south , mrs starr said , great care needed . these creeks and inlets filled up very rapidly ; even local people had been fooled by the strength of the winds and tides . winnie sighed with relief . at least lillian 's daft plan of behaving like an explorer would be cancelled . but when they took their packed lunch next morning , lillian headed straight in the direction that they had been warned against . winnie paused for an instant . she could refuse to go . but then lillian was possibly right . mrs starr was being overcautious to cover herself . winnie could do it . she was thirty-four years of age , for god 's sake . lillian was fifty-three , at the very least . she had put up with so much already , invested so much time and patience - she would n't check out now . and at first , it was exhilarating . the spray was salty and the rocks large , dark and menacing . the cries of the wild birds and the pounding of the sea made talking impossible . they strode on together , pausing to look out over the atlantic and realise that the next land was three thousand miles away in the united states . then they found the entrance to majella 's cave that mrs starr had told them about . it was sheltered there and the wind was n't cutting them in half . they sat on a rocky ledge to open the bread and cheese and flask of soup that had been packed for them . their eyes were stinging , their cheeks were red and whipped by the wind and sea air . they both felt fit and alive and very hungry . 'i 'm glad we battled on and came here , ' winnie said , 'it was well worth it . ' 'you did n't want to really , ' lillian was triumphant . 'you thought i was being foolhardy . ' 'well if i did , i was wrong . it 's good to push yourself a bit . ' as she spoke , winnie felt a great slosh of water across her face - a wave had come deep into the cave .	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i have seen to them . all is ready , '' ducky said quickly , and helen reached out to squeeze her arm affectionately . now , i suppose we had best return . '' her gaze moved to her aunt . `` you remember your part ? '' aunt nell nodded . i am to keep lord templetun and holden 's first distracted while you torture the hammer , '' she announced dutifully , a grin spreading across her face . `` oh , this is the most fun i have had in years . i feel so naughty ! '' templetun cried in alarm , gaping at hethe 's slumped figure . `` are you taking the ague ? '' still swallowing great gulps of air , hethe shook his head . hethe straightened in time to see his first and the older man exchange befuddled glances . it was william who finally spoke . moving between him and lord templetun , his first put a hand on hethe 's shoulder and murmured , `` well , she is lovely , 't is true . but not so lovely it should take your breath away like this . '' hethe groaned at the man 's words and shook his head. `` 't is her breath , '' he hissed grimly . `` she has the foulest stench about her i have ever encountered . the woman smells as though she feasts on carrion . '' rather than appearing concerned , william actually looked amused . it took the man 's knowing smile before hethe realized that his first thought he was joking . it was one of the insults they had batted around about her over the years , as he recalled . lady tiernay was a hag who feasted on the carrion of warriors and tortured the living with her fetid tongue until she could devour them , too . `` nay , '' he started to say , then paused on a sigh of despair as the door to the kitchens opened and lady helen and her aunt breezed back out . `` the refreshments shall be along directly , '' their hostess announced , her concerned gaze landing on hethe . `` are you feeling better , my lord ? you have regained some of your color , i see . '' hethe stiffened in his seat as she moved directly toward him . pausing to stand on the side of him opposite william , she reached down to clasp his chin lightly and lift his face for her inspection . you have your color back , '' she said into his face . hethe held his breath . he could not insult the woman by pulling back or turning away ; she was their hostess . she was perfectly lovely and behaving beautifully and obviously did n't have a clue that her breath was so offensive . so he held his breath and waited ... and waited . a frown began to pluck at her forehead . `` now , my lord , you are becoming rather flushed . '' hethe 's lungs were burning . if she did not let go of him soon and move away so that he could breathe ... `` almost blue , in fact . dear me , you are not well at all , '' she said into his face . he was getting light-headed from lack of air . if he could just time it so that he sucked air in when she did , rather than while she was speaking or breathing out , all would be well , he assured himself . he watched , and when she started to breathe in , he released the used air burning his lungs and started to suck in oxygen . that is better , '' she said at once , and hethe groaned aloud , unable to stop from turning his head away and gagging . fortunately , the arrival of the ale seemed to distract her from his insult . thankyou , ducky . '' hethe managed to regain his composure while she saw to her servants . when a mug of ale was placed before him , he reached automatically for it . it was an excuse not to face her again for a bit . any excuse was more than welcome . lifting the mug , he swallowed a mouthful , then promptly spat it out . silence fell around him briefly ; then lady helen was at his side again , appearing quite distressed . `` is there something amiss , my lord ? '' `` the ale is not to your liking ? our alewife is usually quite good , but there are times when a batch goes bad and she does n't catch it , and - `` `` there was a bug in my drink , '' hethe interrupted . she paused in mid-flutter , blinking at him with confusion . a rather large , live bug . '' she turned to her servant with horror . `` ducky - `` `` i 'm so sorry , m'lady . i did n't notice any bug . '' `` neither did i when i took it from you . '' she sighed , not seeming to really hold the woman responsible . `` please check the mugs to be sure they are empty in future . '' `` of course , m'lady . shall i fetch another ? 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when rorie pulled away , she was still smiling . she kept hold of eveline 's hand and said , `` come now . let 's go down so that my clan can behold their new mistress in all her glory . '' graeme impatiently awaited eveline 's arrival . he 'd sent rorie up for her several minutes ago , and they 'd yet to make an appearance . his brothers were already seated and the other clansmen were filtering in and settling at the other tables . any moment now the serving women would be in with the food , or at least he hoped nora had found adequate replacements for the women he 'd dismissed earlier in the day . he was ready to go up to see if there was an issue when eveline appeared at the end of the hall . graeme caught his breath . indeed , the entire hall quieted . there was n't a single murmur as all attention was directed at eveline . confident looking . until his gaze reached her eyes and it was then he could see the fear and nervousness reflected in them . he stood , without even processing his intention to do so . he stepped down from the dais and walked down the center between the tables lining the walls . when he reached her , he saw that rorie was just behind her , watching , almost as if she was gauging whether she needed to intervene on eveline 's behalf . he smiled at his sister , proud that eveline had such a champion . rorie smiled back . then he put his arm out to eveline and turned his smile down to her . `` you look beautiful , my lady . '' the fear and nervousness fled her eyes as a smile took over her face . it was so brilliant that graeme felt like someone had knocked the breath from him . she slid her hand over his arm , her fingers just peeking from the sleeve of her overtunic . the cuffs were embroidered with dainty silver threads in a swirling feminine pattern that suited eveline . turning , he paused a moment as they faced the hall . all eyes were on them as he began to lead her back down the center toward the head table where his brothers waited . he noticed that his clansmen were n't attempting to say anything , even quietly at their tables . he had to hold back his smile . since learning of eveline 's ability to see what one said without having to be in hearing distance , they 'd likely all be more circumspect about saying anything around her . when he helped eveline up the step , his brothers rose and stood while he seated eveline beside him . rorie followed behind and slid into her place next to bowen . eveline smiled warmly at bowen and teague and then settled gracefully onto the bench . graeme sat at the head of the table and then offered his goblet to eveline . she took it with a murmured thank-you , too low for anyone to have heard . he barely caught it himself , but he would n't draw attention to her by telling her it was barely discernible . he did n't want to make her any more nervous than she already was . across the table , teague motioned for eveline 's attention and when she turned her gaze his way , he said , `` you look beautiful , eveline . '' she blushed to the roots of her hair , her cheeks a delightful shade of pink . this time when she said thank you , she said it loudly enough for those closest to her to hear . graeme reached underneath the table and squeezed her hand . just then , nora came bustling into the hall followed by a procession of women whom graeme noted had previously either worked in the fields or were assigned to washing of the clothes . a few looked nervous , having not served the laird directly , but the others dove into their new duty with confidence and began serving food and drink . graeme 's table was served first and he made sure eveline was given priority . by now , it was clear that he would tolerate no disrespect , so the women went out of their way to attend eveline . satisfied that at least for this night there would be no upset for eveline , graeme settled back to eat his meal . `` have you sent for father drummond ? '' `` no , imp , i have n't . '' she frowned at him , allowing him to see her displeasure over his response . eveline was glancing rapidly back and forth to follow the conversation so graeme purposely slowed so she would be able to participate . `` aye , i did at that . i 've not had the time and to be honest , it has n't been a priority with all else we have happening of late . '' `` but you promised , graeme ! you said if i was nice to eveline , you 'd send for the priest so i could learn to read and write . 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she needed all the time she could get , that is if anyone was coming after her . john 's eyes flickered to the men drinking around him . `` well , maybe just a few then . '' `` allow me to direct you to your rooms then ? '' emma followed , though she wondered if the innkeeper thought it odd she carried no clothes with her or anything of importance . john slammed the door in the innkeepers face , giving emma a startle as she jumped away from him . john ran his fingers through his hair . `` i 'll just see to the horses then and have some bread sent up . do n't try to escape , emma . you wo n't appreciate the consequences . '' nodding , she turned her back to him as he exited the room , slamming the door behind her . moments later one of the workers at the inn walked in with some bread , cheese , and tea . they also started a fire and asked if she needed anything else . a knife to stab john with ? shaking her head , she watched as her last hope walked out of the room . emma went over to the chair by the fireplace and sat , too tired and numb to move . the only way out was to wait and see if john would get foxed enough for her to slip past him in the early morning . managing to warm herself by the fire , she allowed her body to try to catch some sleep . after all , there was nothing she could do . at least not yet , not until john had passed out . emma dreamed of sebastian 's smile . the way his body seemed to cover hers , to protect her . his dimples and his laughter , her body ached for him . she awoke with tears streaming down her face and his name on her lips . `` sebastian , '' she choked . `` shh ... '' snapping her eyes open , she scanned her surroundings . everything was pitch black , but she felt his hands . the same sure hands she had felt during blind man 's bluff were firmly placed over hers , warming her and comforting her to the core . a loud thud sounded followed by a muffled curse . emma tensed under sebastian 's hands . and then she heard a familiar man 's voice say , `` i 've got him , seb . letting out the breath she had been holding , emma finally took a look at her surroundings . everything was still blanketed in black and then a match was lit , as well as the fire . her eyes adjusted to the dim light and she saw . sebastian was in front of her , and to her utter shock , rawlings was standing over john 's body . `` is he ... '' emma did n't want to finish the sentence . rawlings grunted . `` no , though he deserves it . we have the local magistrate on his way . '' the voice belonged to sebastian . why was it she could n't bear to look at him ? to make eye contact with the one man who held her heart and who had saved her ? `` did he hurt you , emma ? '' rest , sweet emma . we shall talk in the morning . `` stay , '' she found herself saying and then clenching onto his arms as if he was her only lifeline . he opened his mouth to speak , but rawlings spoke first . `` i 'll let the innkeeper know the bride 's brother and cousin have arrived then . '' emma collapsed against sebastian 's chest , exhausted . she felt his arms surround her as he carried her to the bed . a soft mattress swallowed her up , and without thinking , she pulled at sebastian to join her . this was not a night she wanted to spend alone . slowly , the bed sank under the weight of him . sighing , he pulled her into his body and brushed the hair out of her face . `` sleep , emma . in her defense she tried . tossing and turning , half tempted to hit sebastian across the face like she would a pillow that had lost its fluff . `` emma , '' sebastian warned when she turned to face him . fascinating how the dark seemed to make one more brave . tentatively she reached out her hand and nearly gasped aloud when it came into contact with his smooth jaw . tracing the outline of his face with her fingertips , she allowed her body to relax . she felt him swallow , could sense the desire humming from his body . but she was n't afraid , nor did she want to leave . this was the one place in the world she wanted to be . and after today he would leave her forever . he had no need for her anymore . john had truly ruined everything worth hoping for in her life . so just this once , she wanted to do something for her and forget the consequences . chapter twenty-five sebastian had wanted to kill john . the only thing stopping him was the ridiculous promise he had made rawlings .	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he then motioned for refreshment to be brought from the kitchen . he unfurled the scroll and spent a few moments reading before he looked up again . it was alaric his gaze found. `` 't is a message about your forthcoming marriage . '' alaric 's brow went up , and he glanced quickly at keeley before returning his gaze to his brother . `` the king expresses his satisfaction with the match and his excitement over the alliances we 'll form . he 'd like to travel here for the marriage and for the neighboring clans to be invited so that he may hear their vows of allegiance in person . '' keeley 's chest tightened until she thought it might explode . she dare not look up at alaric for she knew her expression must be tortured . she looked down at her tightly clasped hands , not wanting anyone to see her pain. `` 't is a great honor , alaric , '' ewan said quietly . please convey my appreciation for the honor he bestows upon me , '' alaric said formally . `` he asks that i send word as soon as we know the day the wedding will take place . '' out of the corner of her eye , keeley saw alaric nod stiffly . keeley heard mairin 's swift intake of breath and when she glanced up at the other woman , sympathy shone bright in her eyes . keeley smiled bravely and lifted her chin . `` i 've always wanted to meet the king . '' 't was not her being cowardly that forced keeley to her chamber before the evening meal had finished being served . she shuddered to think what she looked like . she knew what she felt like , and maddie had promised to have hot water for a bath brought up . the prospect of soaking in a tub of steaming water made her moan in anticipation . she struggled up the stairs , so exhausted she could barely make her legs work . when she entered her chamber , she was so grateful that the women had already started filling the tub , she was weepy . maddie bustled in a moment later , hands on her h*ps as she surveyed the progress . then she turned to keeley and plopped onto the bed beside her . `` do you need help getting into the tub , lass ? '' `` thank you but nay . you 're wonderful to do this for me , maddie . i know 't is a burden to bring the water up the stairs . '' maddie patted her knee. `` 't is the least we can do for our healer . if we do n't take care of you and keep you hale and hearty , there 'll be no one to care for our sick ! '' the two watched as the last pail was brought up and the tub brimmed with water . steam rose in rapid puffs , and keeley 's eyes rolled back in her head as she imagined getting in . `` well , i 'll leave you to it , lass . gannon will be outside , so call if you need anything . '' keeley 's cheeks burned . `` gannon ! i ca n't have him barging in here . besides , 't is his duty to see to alaric 's needs . '' `` he wo n't barge in , not unless he fears for your life , then it wo n't matter if you 've not a stitch on . but if you call out to him , he 'll summon me or christina for you . '' `` whew , '' keeley breathed . maddie laughed and left the chamber . keeley wasted no time ripping her dress over her head . she sent it sailing across the room and hastened to the tub . every movement caused considerable ache , but she inched down into the water until it lapped over her body and finally to her chin as she settled back against the side . she closed her eyes and relaxed her tired , sore muscles . she let go of everything but the wondrous sensation of so much hot water . if someone would but dump a fresh pail of hot water into the tub every so often , she 'd be content to remain here for days . she was n't entirely certain she 'd be able to get back out anyway . she sighed and settled her arms along the sides of the tub then tipped her chin skyward so that her head rested against the back . the heat from the fire just a few paces away toasted her skin and relaxed her even more . she was nearly asleep , her head tilting to the side , when her door opened . startled , she looked up to see alaric standing across the room , shrouded in darkness . the few candles ablaze in her chamber were all situated around her tub and dressing area . the rest of the light was cast from the fire in the hearth and it did n't quite reach to where alaric stood . for a long moment he stood watching and she returned his gaze , waiting , and absorbing the hunger in his eyes .	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for that matter , if laoghaire had n't shot him and nearly killed him , claire might well have run away , and been lost for good . the thought of it was a black pit , gaping at his feet . of course , had she gone , he would have died , he reflected . and never come to this place and got his land , nor seen his daughter , nor held his grandson in his arms . come to think , perhaps being nearly killed was n't always a misfortune-so long as you did n't actually die of it . `` does your arm trouble ye , sir ? '' he was jerked back from his thoughts to realize that he was standing like a fool , one hand clutching the spot on his upper arm where laoghaire 's pistol ball had gone through and malva squinting at him in concern . `` ah , no , '' he said hastily , dropping his hand . `` a midgie bite . the bittie things are out early . tell me '' -he groped for some neutral topic of conversation- '' d 'ye like it here in the mountains ? '' inane as the question was , she appeared to consider it seriously . `` it 's lonely , sometimes , '' she said , and glanced into the forest , where falling shafts of sunlight splintered on leaves and needles , shrubs and rocks , filling the air with a shattered green light . `` but it is ... '' she groped for a word . `` pretty , '' she said , with a small smile at him , acknowledging the inadequacy of the word . they had reached the small clearing where the water bubbled out over a ledge of what his daughter said was serpentine-the rock whose soft green gave the spring its name ; that , and the thick layer of vivid moss that grew around it . he gestured to her to kneel and drink first . she did , cupping her hands to her face and closing her eyes in bliss at the taste of the cold , sweet water . she gulped , cupped her hands and drank again , almost greedily . she was very pretty herself , he thought in amusement , and the word was much more appropriate to the wee lassie , with that delicate chin and the lobes of her tender pink ears peeping from her cap , than to the spirit of the mountains . her mother must have been lovely , he thought-and it was fortunate for the lass that she had not taken much of her father 's grim looks , save those gray eyes . she sat back on her heels , breathing deep , and scooted to the side , nodding at him to kneel and take his turn . the day was n't hot , but it was a steep climb to the spring , and the cold water went down gratefully . `` i 've never seen the highlands , '' malva said , dabbing the end of her kerchief over her wet face . `` some say this place is like it , though . d 'ye think so yourself , sir ? '' he shook the water from his fingers and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth . `` something like . the great glen , and the forest-aye , that 's verra like this . '' he pointed his chin up at the trees surrounding them , murmurous and resin-scented . `` but there 's nay bracken here . and nay peat , of course . and nay heather ; that 's the biggest difference . '' `` ye hear the stories-of men hiding in the heather . did ye ever do so yourself , sir ? '' she dimpled slightly , and he did n't know whether she meant to tease , or was only making conversation . `` now and then , '' he said , and smiled at her as he rose , brushing pine needles from his kilt . `` stalking the deer , aye ? here , i 'll show ye the woodears . '' the fungus grew in thick shelves at the foot of an oak , no more than ten feet from the spring . some of the things had opened their gills already , begun to darken and curl ; the ground nearby was scattered with the spores , a dark brown powder that lay upon the glossy crackle of last year 's dry leaves . the fresher fungi were still bright , though , deep orange and meaty . he left her there with a cordial word , and went back down the narrow trail , wondering about the woman who had loved and left tom christie . 49 the venom of the north wind july 1774 brianna drove the sharp end of the spade into the muddy bank and pulled out a chunk of clay the color of chocolate fudge . she could have done without the reminder of food , she thought , flinging it aside into the current with a grunt . she hitched up her soggy shift and wiped a forearm across her brow . she had n't eaten since mid-morning , and it was nearly teatime . not that she meant to stop until supper .	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talking was pointless with the roar of the motor and the thunder of the wind . but i did n't need words to hear nic loud and clear . the press of his thighs was n't the only thing i felt . he 'd missed me , in more ways than one . his palms rode my waist ; his thumbs slid under my suit coat and toyed with the skin just above my panty hose . his breath teased the hair that had fallen loose from my customary french twist . what had been between us once could never be again , despite the treacherous response of my body to his . i had too many secrets i could n't share . too much work that had to be done . too many monsters that wanted me dead . i tensed , half-expecting him to cup my breasts , then latch his mouth onto my neck and suckle . legs wide as i straddled the seat , the wind shot up my skirt , stirring me where i needed no help being stirred . his fingertips grazed the swell of my rear . `` nic , '' i said . protest , plea - i was n't sure . the wind flung the word into the night . snow began to fall - thick , fluffy flakes that would soon obscure the road . we needed to reach a town before the storm hit , or worse . i was already half-frozen and i was certain nic was , too . but it was impossible to think as nic 's hand slid across my skin , palm warm , hard , flat against my belly . my skirt was hiked to my hips , and the sight of my stocking-clad legs , my white cotton briefs , his sun-browned hand and callused fingers , excited me so much that 1 did nothing when his middle finger slid lower and stroked me just once . lucky no one was on the highway except us . i lifted my gaze , then swerved to avoid the huge black wolf in the middle of the road . the right wheel slipped off the pavement , and we were airborne . providence was on our side , and we were thrown clear . most atv injuries are the result of the machine falling on top of the riders . as it was , i landed on my shoulder and something crunched . ignoring the pain , i scrambled to my feet , searching frantically for nic . i found him at the edge of the tree line . the wolf swung his head toward me . light gray , human eyes shone in a feral face . `` billy , '' i murmured . i should have known he had n't died . guys like him never did . it would take something worse than a firebomb to put an end to billy bailey . had it taken him some time to heal his injuries , then dig his way out of the rubble ? had they survived , as well ? i strained my ears but heard only the wind , sniffed the air and caught nothing but the scent of snow and crazy billy . either the rest of my basement wolves had found freedom , then scattered , or they were ashes and billy was a lot more powerful than i 'd thought . and was n't that just special ? billy 's head cocked ; his tongue lolled , almost as if he were laughing . i fingered the gun in my pocket . i could put every bullet into billy , and it would n't slow him down . if i stayed in this form , he 'd kill me - if i was lucky - then move on to nic . i was going to have to shift . however , such things took time , and at mid-shift i 'd be defenseless . billy had no scruples . he 'd wait until the worst possible moment , then attack . nevertheless , i had to take the risk , hope my changing at all would confuse him long enough for me to assume another form . i managed to kick off my shoes - i hated it when my paws burst through them - but i did n't have the chance to remove anything else . not that i 'd strip in front of billy even if i had a week . as i lifted my face , snowflakes brushed my cheeks , stuck to my eyelashes , prickled my nose . i pushed aside the sensory distractions and thought of the moon . if it had been full i would n't have had to try . without the round silver disc that pulled like the ebb and flow of the tide , the transformation was a bit harder , especially for those with stunted imaginations . i bet billy had had one helluva time getting furry tonight . he growled , low in his throat . i was up to something , but he did n't know what . pretty soon he 'd get sick of wondering , come over here and kick my ass . with me still a woman , and him already a beast , he 'd have no trouble at all . staring at the black velvet sky , i envisioned the cool metallic white of the moon spilling across my face . i smelled the wind , the trees , the earth .	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`` what time do visiting hours start ? '' the lady was already reaching for another file . `` i see , '' judy said , sounding defeated . over the clerk 's shoulder , judy noticed that things seemed even more chaotic than they were in the waiting room . nurses were moving from room to room , looking harried and overwhelmed . `` do i have to stop here before i go up to see her ? tomorrow , i mean ? '' you can go in the main entrance , around the corner . just head up to room 217 tomorrow morning and inform the nurses at the station when you get there . they 'll direct you to her room . '' judy stepped away from the desk , and the next person in line moved forward . he was a middle-aged man who smelled strongly of alcohol . his arm was in a makeshift sling . my arm is killing me . '' `` i 'm sorry , but as you can see , we 're really busy tonight . the doctor will see you as soon ... '' judy made sure that the lady 's attention was still focused on the man at the desk . then she exited the waiting area through a set of double swinging doors that led directly to the main area of the hospital . from previous visits to the hospital she knew that the elevators were at the end of the corridor . in a matter of minutes she was sailing past a vacated nurses ' station , heading for room 217 . at the same time judy was making her way to denise 's room , the men resumed their search . twenty-four men in total , with only enough distance between them to allow them to see the neighboring flashlights , they stretched nearly a quarter of a mile wide . slowly they began moving to the southeast , shining lights everywhere , oblivious of the storm . within a few minutes the lights from the cars on the highway were swallowed up once more . for the people who 'd just arrived , the sudden darkness was a shock , and they wondered how long a young boy could survive out here . some of the others , however , were beginning to wonder if they 'd even be able to find the body . denise was still awake because sleep was simply an impossibility . there was a clock on the wall alongside her bed , and she was staring at it , watching the minutes pass with frightening regularity . kyle had been missing for nearly four hours now . she wanted to do something-anything but lie there so helplessly , useless to kyle and the searchers . she wanted to be out looking for him , and the fact that she was n't was more painful than her injuries . she wanted to take charge . but here , she could n't do anything . her body had betrayed her . in the past hour the dizziness had abated only slightly . she still could n't keep her balance long enough to walk down the hall , let alone participate in the search . bright lights hurt her eyes , and when the doctor had asked her a few simple questions , she 'd seen three images of his face . now , alone in the room , she hated herself for her weakness . she could n't even look for her own child ! she 'd broken down completely at midnight-kyle had been gone for three hours-when she realized she would n't be able to leave the hospital . she 'd begun to scream kyle 's name over and over , as soon as the x-ray had been completed . it was a strange relief to just let go , to scream his name at the top of her lungs . in her mind , kyle could hear her , and she was willing him to listen to her voice . come back , kyle . come back to where mommy was . it did n't matter that two nurses were telling her to be quiet , to calm down , while she struggled violently against their grip . just relax , they said , everything 's going to be okay . she just kept screaming his name and fighting them until they 'd finally brought her here . by then she 'd screamed herself out and the screaming had turned into sobs . a nurse had stayed with her for a few minutes to make sure she 'd be okay , then had to respond to an emergency call in another room . since then denise had been alone . she stared at the second hand of the bedside clock . before she 'd been called away , denise had asked the nurse to call the police to find out what was happening . she 'd begged her , but the nurse had gently refused . instead she 'd said that as soon as they heard anything , they would let her know . until then the best thing she could do was to calm down , to relax . he was still out there , and denise knew he was still alive . if kyle was dead , she would know it . she would feel it deep down , and the feeling would be tangible , like getting hit in the stomach . maybe they had a special connection , maybe all mothers shared it with their children .	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`` now if i were to kiss the top of your foot- '' he did as he said `` -like this . '' `` damien ... '' her breathlessness turned him on , not to mention her dress had crept back along a length of slender thigh . he kissed her ankle . all at once she tried to sit up . we 're supposed to be- '' he grabbed the remote and flicked it off , bathing them in muted light from the dining area across the room . `` i 'd rather watch you , '' he said , sliding to his knees on the plush carpet and helping her to stretch out before him on the sofa , just like that delectable meal she had prepared for him . `` lie there and enjoy it , gabrielle . '' `` make love to you with my mouth , '' he said thickly , watching as her blue eyes caught instant fire . `` er , maybe , '' she whispered , making him smile at her slight rebellion . even now , with her body crying out for his touch , she was determined to hold something of herself back . and he would make sure she gave in . he took possession of those luscious lips , and a few heartbeats later he heard her sigh of sweet surrender that told him she 'd only been fighting herself , not him . and then he explored the smooth , velvet warmth inside her mouth that drew his tongue back time and time again over her moistness , marking her as his own , sending a vibration of arousal through him that made him suddenly wonder who was the one being possessed here . he broke off the kiss and inhaled a deep shuddering breath . he wanted to consume her , to let his tongue glide her to a clix , over the hills and valleys of her body ... the peaked nples , her flat stomach , the slight rise to her femininity . he only had to lift her in his arms , and he 'd be able to place his lips anywhere he liked . but first , he did what he promised to do and went back to her feet and lingered there , touching and stroking . then he worked his way up one leg , inching up her dress , placing a kiss on the lacy blue triangle of material at the apex of her thighs before starting down the other leg . her floral dress had tiny buttons along the front of it , and he enjoyed undoing them and exposing her smooth skin by degrees . until he got to the scar on the smooth skin of her stomach , and full-blown pain went right through him . he could n't stand to think of her hurt like this , her soft skin having been ripped apart by the metal of a machine driven by some nitwit who deserved to be ripped apart himself . she said softly , but there was understanding in her tone . her voice pulled him back from the brink and he made a sound wrenched from deep inside and forced himself to move on . otherwise she might think he was hesitating out of distaste . `` it 's okay , '' he said in a brusque voice , then placed his lips against the scar , hearing her gasp as he kissed the puckered skin . and then he continued up her silken belly to her round , firm brsts that fit seamlessly in his hands . his heartbeat throbbed in his ears as he took first one swollen caramel nipple into his mouth , then the other , and sucked until she arched her back , raising her desire and in turn thickening the blood in his own veins . `` damien , '' she moaned , his name slipping through her lips , her hands gripping his shoulders , her fingers kneading him . he lifted his head and looked down at gabrielle 's glowing face . absolutely desirable . he knew it was time to taste the rest of her . inch by inch he moved back along the way he 'd come , retracing his kisses , trailing his lips along to find the exotic scent of her that laced his blood with heat and something so primitive it belonged to just the two of them . never had he wanted another woman as he wanted gabrielle . never would he take from another woman what he knew gabrielle could give him ... had always given him . he stripped the blue panties from her and lowered his mouth , loving the soft cry she gave as he began melting her with strokes of his tongue , eliciting a long moan from her . small tremors started to ripple through her body , then strengthen . he kept on loving her , could feel her coming , shuddering beneath his mouth , her muscles tensing until she cried out with sheer release . he lapped her up in a flood of pleasure , urging her to even greater heights , to an even greater glory . she held there . held longer than he expected . he could wait no longer to be inside her . he needed to feel her muscles tightening around him . he needed to make her clix again but this time with him inside her .	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i melted into that touch , into his kiss and the way it burned against my mouth . his hands kept sliding up and up , until he 'd pulled the dress over my head and tossed it on the floor . `` you ... you got rid of that dress fast , '' i pointed out between heavy breaths . `` i do like it , '' he said . his breathing was as heavy as mine . twenty-one i 'd never been completely naked around a guy before . it scared the hell out of me - even though it excited me , too . lying on the covers , we clung to each other and kept kissing - and kissing and kissing and kissing . his hands and lips took possession of my body , and every touch was like fire on my skin . after yearning for him for so long , i could barely believe this was happening . and while the physical stuff felt great , i also just liked being close to him . i liked the way he looked at me , like i was the sexiest , most wonderful thing in the world . i liked the way he would say my name in russian , murmured like a prayer : roza , roza ... and somewhere , somewhere in all of this , was that same urging voice that had driven me up to his room , a voice that did n't sound like my own but that i was powerless to ignore . stay with him , stay with him . do n't think about anything else except him . i listened - not that i really needed any extra convincing . the burning in his eyes told me he wanted to do a lot more than we were , but he took things slow , maybe because he knew i was nervous . his pajama pants stayed on . at one point , i shifted so that i hovered over him , my hair hanging around him . he tilted his head slightly , and i just barely caught sight of the back of his neck . i brushed my fingertips over the six tiny marks tattooed there . `` did you really kill six strigoi ? '' he brought my own neck down to his mouth and kissed me . his teeth gently grazed my skin , different from a vampire but every bit as thrilling . you 'll have a lot more than me someday . '' `` killing them . you said in the van that it was the right thing to do , but it still bothers you . it 's why you go to church , is n't it ? i see you there , but you are n't really into the services . '' he smiled , surprised and amused i 'd guessed another secret about him . i 'm not guilty exactly ... just sad sometimes . all of them used to be human or dhampir or moroi . it 's a waste , that 's all , but as i said before , it 's something i have to do . something we all have to do . sometimes it bothers me , and the chapel is a good place to think about those kinds of things . sometimes i find peace there , but not often . i find more peace with you . '' he rolled me off of him and moved on top of me again . the kissing picked up once more , harder this time . i 'm finally going to do it . he must have seen the decision in my eyes . smiling , he slid his hands behind my neck and unfastened victor 's necklace . as soon as the chain left his fingers , i felt like i 'd been slapped in the face . dimitri must have felt the same way . i felt like i was trying to wake up , like i 'd been asleep for two days . i needed to remember something . not pain or dizziness , but ... the voice , i realized . the voice urging me toward dimitri was gone . that was n't to say i did n't want him anymore because hey , seeing him there in those sexy pajama bottoms , with that brown hair spilling over the side of face was pretty fine . but i no longer had that outside influence pushing me to him . he frowned , no longer turned on . after several moments of thought , he reached over and picked up the necklace . the instant his fingers touched it , i saw desire sweep over him again . he slid his other hand onto my hip , and suddenly , that burning lust slammed back into me . my stomach went queasy while my skin started to prickle and grow warm again . my breathing became heavy . his lips moved toward mine again . some inner part of me fought through . `` lissa , '' i whispered , squeezing my eyes shut . `` i have to tell you something about lissa . but i ca n't ... remember ... i feel so strange ... '' `` i know . '' still holding onto me , he rested his cheek against my forehead . `` there 's something ... something here ... '' he pulled his face away , and i opened my eyes . `` this necklace . that 's the one prince victor gave you ? '' i nodded and could see the sluggish thought process trying to wake up behind his eyes . taking a deep breath , he removed his hand from my hip and pushed himself away .	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cupping her sweet brsts , he nuzzled her neck , careful not to scrape her with his beard . `` yeah , i found her . '' now talk to rudy so he wo n't go making the same mistakes if they get back together . '' `` men do n't give other men sexual advice . `` then you 'll have to tell me how you do it , and i 'll talk to rudy . '' i 'm not about to have you describing in detail to rudy what we 've been doing . '' he could n't forget that rudy had dibs on ally if mitch bombed out . sexual advice from her was not an option . `` i 'd talk in general terms . '' let rudy figure it out for himself . i 'll help him locate lurleen . the multis are up to him . '' `` i most certainly am not going to let rudy figure it out for himself ! he 'll mess it up again , like he did the last time . mitch , he needs direction . we ca n't let him flounder . '' `` so if i do n't talk to him , you will ? '' `` then i 'll talk to him . '' `` thank you , mitch . '' `` but i 'm not taking responsibility . if i talk to him , and he still screws it up , it 's not my fault . '' she took a deep breath , which made her brsts swell in his hands . how he loved touching her this way . `` i ca n't picture tanya as a domestic goddess , so i 'm guessing betsy 's come back to make breakfast . i suppose we should go down . '' he did n't want to move , but the longer they stayed here , the more likely someone would figure out they were sharing rooms . it did n't take a genius to figure out the problem . `` you do n't want to go down and face tanya . '' i hate the way she acts , especially around you . i would love to call off this mentoring deal . '' `` then call it off . '' although if kurt and tanya left town , he would n't have much of an excuse to stay , either . `` she 's so well known in the field . what if i ticked her off ? she might be powerful enough to have me blacklisted or something . '' `` judging from her personality , i ca n't believe she 's very popular . if she tried to badmouth you , people would consider the source . she 's a great photographer , and maybe once we 're out in nature , she 'll get down to business . she has to be serious about her work . her pictures are too good for her to be a flake all the time . '' mitch gave the best advice he could come up with . `` so you should probably spend some time with her today and find out if she 's going to be a valuable teacher or not . '' mitch hated that idea . `` i think it would be better if i went along . '' she 'd spend all her time coming on to you instead of teaching me . so the whole thing would be a waste of time . '' ally was probably right about how tanya would react if he went , but he still did n't like the idea of her going off alone with that creepy woman . `` okay , then maybe you should n't go out with her , at least not yet . `` and how would i stall her ? this is what she came to do . listen , why do n't you spend the time here getting to know uncle kurt ? i know you have a poor opinion of him , and so did grammy , but he might be sincere . maybe he wants to cash in a little bit , but that 's only human , right ? '' `` it 's not 'a little bit ' that concerns me . '' `` he brought tanya . he knew i thought she was wonderful , and he probably did n't realize what kind of person she was . i think he should get points for that . '' mitch was n't ready to give kurt any points yet . there was something suspicious about this arrangement with tanya mandell , and once he heard from pete , he might figure out what that was . `` i think tomorrow 's soon enough to go out with tanya . '' i 'd like to test the waters today and get it over with . if she 's a lousy teacher , i 'll thank her for her help and release her from her obligation . then all of us will be free of her . '' `` maybe she wo n't feel up to it . '' and we wo n't know unless we go down there . '' `` let 's get dressed and have some breakfast . '' `` just so you know , if tanya 's at the breakfast table , i 'm eating my food standing up . '' * * * chapter twenty-four when ally and mitch walked into the kitchen , tanya was already at the breakfast table along with clyde .	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his libido told his conscience to shut up and enjoy the most amazing sex in the world while he had the chance . amanda preceded him out of the restaurant , and as he followed her , he could swear that even her walk was different . thanks to his sexual intervention , she 'd loosened up , and the effect was spectacular . too bad he still felt guilty as hell for making it happen . amanda wanted to see will 's apartment because she suddenly craved information about this man who had given her the sexual time of her life . she also remembered that will possessed some glow-in-the-dark condoms . swiping more than one of gloria 's purple ones had n't seemed right , but the question of buying a supply had n't been discussed , either . when amanda walked into will 's living room , the drapes were drawn , but there was enough light filtering around the edges that she could see that the furniture was a little more upscale than hers . it probably belonged to him , whereas she 'd rented her place furnished . the neutral colors he 'd chosen told her that he was a typical guy-uninterested in decorating and happy so long as the chairs and couch were comfortable . the fabric covering the furniture-one of the new microfibers-told her that he did n't want to worry about upkeep . `` i 'll get the laptop . '' he left his jacket on and headed down a hallway . before they left she planned to bring up the subject of condoms , but she did n't have to hit him with it right away . she could tell he was conflicted about their new direction . logically , she should be conflicted , too . but she 'd had no clue that she was multi-orgasmic . that kind of information made a girl sit up and pay attention , especially after months of abstinence . three framed pictures sat on top of his tv cabinet . unzipping her parka , she wandered over and looked at them . a family of four , including will a few years younger , stood in front of the eiffel tower . a more recent photo showed the same family , aged a few years , surrounding will in his cap and gown . the third picture showed will and justin , arms slung over each other 's shoulders , at the same graduation ceremony . so will had both parents , at least as of the last picture , plus a brother . the whole family had been to paris , unless it was a faked picture . knowing will , she did n't think the picture was a fake . she was acutely aware that she did n't have any pictures like this because she had n't had a life like this . someday she 'd love to have that kind of life for her children , but that was years away . because she had n't been motivated to make something of herself until after her mother died , she was a late bloomer . but that was n't necessarily true of will . those parents of his probably expected him to get married soon and give them grandchildren . will might expect the same thing . she was so not ready for that routine . but she could still have some fun for the time being . she 'd been a martyr long enough . fate had dropped a gifted lover at her doorstep and ignoring that opportunity seemed like a crime against nature . `` my family , '' will said as he came back carrying a computer case over his shoulder . she could n't get over the difference in her reaction to him post-coffee-table sex . last night had been great , but the activity on that coffee table had changed her forever . now one glance at will and her engine was lubed and racing . `` paris , huh ? '' he walked over toward the tv cabinet , bringing the scent of old spice with him . he glanced at the pictures with a smile . `` my mother 's french . we went to visit my grand-mere . '' hearing him speak that one word with the correct accent ramped up her response , for some crazy reason . `` un petit pen . '' she 'd never known a man who spoke french . `` that 's kind of sexy . apparently she had a fantasy of some guy whispering je f adore in her ear . `` not as much as i should . mom 's fluent . she can swear like a french sailor and nobody knows what she 's saying . but she would n't teach me those words . '' he shifted the strap of the carrying case . `` what 's the french word for condom ? '' not as subtle as she might have liked , but she was n't leaving here without those glow-in-the-dark jobs or something equivalent . he should have little raincoats on hand . `` amanda , i feel like such a traitor to the cause . if i had any decency , i would n't touch you again . you had a program going , and i 've screwed with that , literally . '' she 'd been so busy telling him how wonderful the sex had been for her , but had he said the same ?	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maddies eyes came to rest , again , upon the flowers and her face softened . paul shook his head whimsically . hes a nice young man , maddie . i hope things work out for the two of you . she thanked him from her romantic haze and he left her office smiling . is he really mine ? the card was special , and she reached beneath her desk to retrieve her purse . jacks little note fit into the small , zippered slot in the side . before closing up her bag , she noticed a folded piece a paper and withdrew it . the identity report on todd shed stashed there days before . after carefully reviewing the report again , she picked up the phone and called the firm issuing it . she learned , after giving significant personal information , that the bank account had been verified and that she should contact the bank for more explanation . she wondered briefly if she should ask paul for advice . if it was for real , who could have done it ? for one thing , jack didnt know todd went by la forge . and anyway , hed never do anything like that without asking her . her mind wandered back to the year todd was born . those dreary days after thomas death , when life meant almost nothing and the baby in her arms cried incessantly . she was living with her parents . her father came to her late one night and took the screaming child from her arms . little todd had quieted and gone to sleep . sometimes when a mama is stressed , the child feels it , he said quietly . he sat with her , rocking the sleeping baby in his arms . he began to hum , then to sing under his breath , an irish lullaby , many of the words sounding like gibberish to maddies americanized ears . i wish , he said at last , that i could be around ter see this little laddie grow up . i wish i had a little something put terway fer im , fer when hes a-grown . maddie recalled few intimate moments with her father ; a quiet , very private irishman whod always wanted a son that never came . in retrospect , maddie realized hed already known he was dying that night so long ago . she didnt think about him often , but when she did she felt a tear come to her eye . could this money be the little something he had managed to put away for his grandson ? if so , why hadnt she found out about it sooner ? maybe this was a mystery not to be solved . as her birthday weekend approached , maddie , too , felt anticipation at spending the time with jack . and with her excitement came fears . shed been intimate with only two men in her life , not including a couple of one-night-stands during her college years . it had been a very long time since shed allowed anyone to even get as close as jack was now . she had to admit that she shut ray out long before hed finally left her . jack was everything she wanted and more , but she was anxious and doubtful about her abilities as his lover . every time she imagined joining jack in bed , she overloaded and her mind went tilt . she was going with him , nonetheless . what would happen , would happen . on the day before they were to leave , a package arrived , addressed to maddie . todd was off somewhere with his neighborhood pals . she was packing , nervously flitting about her bedroom when the postman arrived . the large , flat , rectangular package labeled fragile , bore a swiss postmark . she signed for it , and carried the package to the living room to open it . maddie stripped the brown paper away , revealing a large , beautifully framed oil painting . the hauntingly familiar scene showed a lighthouse on the shore , with a shining , lazy-looking river passing in the distance behind it . she did not recognize the painters name , but it was decidedly impressionist , in the style of claude monet . maddie had always loved monets work . but who sent it ? the package bore no return address . quickly she re-examined the torn packaging . not a clue , except that it was mailed in bern . surely not ray ? he was in switzerland . she lifted the heavy painting and propped it on the mantle above the fireplace . shed deal with this new mystery when she returned . early saturday morning found maddie and jack flying in to reno , nevada , and then renting a car to take them to the lake . tahoe was glistening and clean , and the cabin jack rented charmed them . a wide , comfortable deck surrounded the front , and a quaint , river rock fireplace lay stocked with logs ready to light . dumping their suitcases , they got back into the car and drove around , stopping for lunch , window-shopping and to make reservations for a guided hiking adventure in the afternoon . they went back to the cabin and found it chilly inside . maddie pulled out the people magazine shed bought , kicked off her shoes , and stretched out on the bed while jack lit the fire .	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you couldnt tell me that ? you had to keep it from me ? when would you have told me ? when you landed in the hospital damn near dying ? cale breathed a deep breath and attempted to take me into his arms but i pushed him away . im so hurt right now . it wasnt even a little fib or a white lie , but something that could take your life . what else are you keeping from me , huh ? lets keep it rolling , shall we ? i turned my attention to tyler . what else is this guy keeping from me ? you surely know him better than i do . tyler placed both of his hands on my shoulders . somehow , that seemed to calm me down , but only a tiny bit . i was still contemplating the whole punching and kicking cale idea . how about we get back on the bus , clean up , and chill out for the night ? youre as pale as a ghost , bryn . tylers face was full of worry . i grabbed a hold of his hands and threw them off of me . i think cale and i need to have a little talk before i go anywhere else with him on this tour . cale and i can have a chit chat inside the bus while you wait out here . tyler shrugged , not looking once in cales direction as he took off his shirt to use as a towel to clean the blood off of his face . i tried hard not to stare at him ; remembering cale was my main focus . i stomped onto the bus , kicking off my shoes and watching them hit the wall hard . cale followed , standing so close behind me i could feel each breath he took against the back of my neck . will you let me speak now ? i didnt want to look at his amber eyes that burned a hole through me every time i gazed into them . or at least turn around so you can see my damn lips move . i spun around so fast i nearly bumped into him . i shot him a hateful glare . explain , i spat . first , im sorry i didnt tell you from the start , he said . this has been something ive struggled with ever since high school , and ive tried so many different ways to quit , and nothing has ever worked long enough . cale looked at his feet then at my eyes . it all started after i got into a huge fist fight with my dad . he came back to the house and thought he could rough up my mom a little bit . i taught him a damn lesson , causing him a trip to jail . after that i had anxiety attacks so bad my mom took me to the doctor and they put me on medication to help ease them . so you havent even tried to go to rehab ? that wouldve been my first thought , but i remembered cale was as stubborn as a damn bull and wouldnt give up that easily . with his cocky attitude to go with the stubbornness , hed maybe last a day and bail . im not leaving the band , bryn . these guys are my brothers and have been with me through it all . youre not the only one to tell me i should go to rehab . but to give up touring and be stuck in some boring place for 90 days would drive me mad . im not the kind of guy who would take advice from some strange person who thinks they know everything about me . so you dont even care that you could one day take too many pills and never wake up ? i asked , placing my hands on my hips . but why wouldnt you tell me , cale ? im your girlfriend , for fucks sake , and that little bit about your life does matter to me . do you realize i feel like a complete asshole right now ? he brushed the hair out of his face and scowled . after meeting you for the first time and having you with us , it was the first actual time that i wanted to change for the better . you made me want to try to stop my addiction once and for all , he said . but its easier said than done . i get mood swings , temper tantrums , and those cause me to take more just to calm myself down for a few hours . theyve become engraved into my life , bryn . thats why ive tried just about anything to quit . cales tone softened , but it didnt matter if he tried to play mr. sweetheart right now or not . i wasnt sure that i wanted to date someone that kept such a huge secret from me . he was telling me the truth ; i could believe his story alright , but how many more secrets were there ? how many other silent demons was he trying to hide from me ? my mind couldnt handle all of that . i immediately felt nervous for what i was about to tell him , but in my gut i knew it had to be done . for him and for me , along with everyone else in some way . i mean for explaining yourself . i couldnt even image your mom being put through that kind of pain . shes more of a mother to me than my own .	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howard asked us to move beyond howlers and woofers and get creative so we could hash this out . so let 's go for it . '' two hours later , they were still haggling and duncan could n't see a solution . they 'd eaten most of the food and what was left looked dodgy after sitting there for so long . they 'd drained the carafe of coffee and the fire had burned down to a few glowing embers . neither of them had attempted to build it up again , as if they both kept hoping they 'd find a way through the maze and be done . `` look , you have to give up that word protect , kate . to weres like jake , it means some elaborate security system that has n't even been invented yet . you heard how he went on and on about the database of weres being a tool of the devil . '' `` and i 'm not so sure it is n't ! what if the wrong people got their hands on that database ? they could hunt down and kill every were on the planet . '' `` it would never come to that . we have numbers , we have economic strength , and we have physical abilities , like a superior sense of smell and hearing . we 're experts at surviving , and- '' `` you want to put us back into survival mode ? we 've been there , duncan , and it 's not pretty . you know the word i want you to get rid of ? that implies dropping every safeguard , every precaution , and throwing ourselves on the mercy of the humans . i ca n't agree to anything that has the word unfettered in it . '' `` so here 's what we have so far that we absolutely agree on . '' `` we have something ? '' here 's the mission statement with all the controversial parts taken out . wow mission statement : to support werewolves worldwide through networking . '' `` that 's a very short mission statement , duncan . '' `` granted , but we agree on every bit of it . '' `` not hard when there 's nothing to it . and now that i think about it , the term networking is suspect , because it could be interpreted as suggesting that damned database . '' `` networking was in your first rough draft ! '' `` and i 'm rethinking the use of it . '' duncan groaned and laid his forehead on the counter . `` now we 're backsliding . '' `` i do n't see any more wolves out on the hillside . '' lifting his head , he turned around on his stool and looked toward the window . she 'd left her chair . hands shoved in the back pockets of her jeans , she was staring at a landscape shrouded in darkness except for that pale row of lights on the ski slope . `` they might still be out there . '' he climbed off the stool and went to join her . `` there could be romance happening in the shadows . '' `` duncan , you promised . '' should n't have said that . '' but he 'd been thinking about it ever since proposing that they take a run in the snow when they finished the damned mission statement . at this rate he did n't think they ever would finish it . but saying that a miracle happened , and they had a breakthrough , he 'd love to take a run with her as wolves and then have a lusty bout of were sex out there in the snow . knowing the werewolf mentality as he did , others were doing that tonight , perhaps at this very minute . he realized that craving were sex contradicted everything he stood for . he 'd written countless blog posts blathering on about how unimportant were sex was in the grand scheme of things . in his book , which she might read soon , he 'd labeled the practice a primitive holdover from the old days . yet he wanted to experience it with her . he longed to see her romping through snowdrifts , exotic in her blond coloring with eyes bluer than the center of a flame . then , when they 'd run themselves until they were panting and pleasantly tired , he would take her as a male wolf takes a female . warmth shot through his system and stiffened his cock . and he was n't alone in thinking about sex . the scent of her arousal drifted toward him , exciting him even more . `` duncan , this is n't good . '' he forced himself to walk away from her , but like a restless wolf , he began to pace . i was thinking about it , too . '' he continued to pace . `` tell me why you 're so against the database . even if we do n't have unlimited communication with humans as i envision , a central database would be a very unifying tool . right now our information is incomplete , but if we had a database , we could send out global messages and coordinate our efforts in ways we 've never been able to do before . '' `` but it 's too much like a registration system . `` we could have safeguards , install warning systems .	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["toward", 2274], ["window", 2285], ["windows", 2285], ["chair", 2309], ["chairing", 2309], ["shove", 2324], ["shoved", 2324], ["pocket", 2344], ["pocketing", 2344], ["pockets", 2344], ["jean", 2357], ["jeans", 2357], ["stare", 2375], ["stared", 2375], ["staring", 2375], ["landscape", 2390], ["shroud", 2399], ["shrouds", 2399], ["shrouded", 2399], ["darkness", 2411], ["except", 2418], ["pale", 2432], ["row", 2436], ["rowest", 2436], ["lit", 2446], ["light", 2446], ["lights", 2446], ["ski", 2457], ["skis", 2457], ["skied", 2457], ["slope", 2463], ["sloping", 2463], ["may", 2479], ["mays", 2479], ["mayest", 2479], ["might", 2479], ["climb", 2514], ["climbed", 2514], ["join", 2545], ["joinest", 2545], ["romance", 2577], ["happen", 2587], ["happening", 2587], ["shadow", 2602], ["shadowed", 2602], ["shadows", 2602], ["promise", 2632], ["promised", 2632], ["say", 2658], ["sayest", 2658], ["said", 2658], ["think", 2692], ["thinkest", 2692], ["thinking", 2692], ["ever", 2706], ["everest", 2706], ["since", 2712], ["propose", 2722], ["proposing", 2722], ["take", 2737], ["run", 2743], ["snow", 2755], ["finish", 2774], ["finished", 2774], ["rate", 2818], ["finish", 2858], ["say", 2874], ["sayest", 2874], ["saying", 2874], ["miracle", 2889], ["happen", 2898], ["happened", 2898], ["breakthrough", 2928], ["breakthroughs", 2928], ["love", 2941], ["lusty", 2996], ["bout", 3001], ["sex", 3013], ["know", 3045], ["knowest", 3045], ["knowing", 3045], ["werewolf", 3058], ["mentality", 3068], ["tonight", 3111], ["perhaps", 3121], ["minute", 3141], ["realize", 3155], ["realized", 3155], ["craving", 3168], ["contradict", 3190], ["contradicted", 3190], ["everything", 3201], ["stood", 3210], ["stand", 3210], ["standest", 3210], ["write", 3230], ["writing", 3230], ["written", 3230], ["countless", 3240], ["blog", 3245], ["post", 3251], ["posts", 3251], ["blather", 3262], ["blathers", 3262], ["blathering", 3262], ["unimportant", 3287], ["grand", 3313], ["scheme", 3320], ["scheming", 3320], ["thing", 3330], ["things", 3330], ["book", 3344], ["read", 3367], ["reads", 3367], ["soon", 3372], ["label", 3388], ["labeled", 3388], ["practice", 3401], ["primitive", 3413], ["holdover", 3422], ["old", 3435], ["day", 3440], ["days", 3440], ["experience", 3470], ["experienced", 3470], ["long", 3494], ["longs", 3494], ["longed", 3494], ["romp", 3513], ["romping", 3513], ["snowdrift", 3532], ["snowdrifts", 3532], ["exotic", 3541], ["blond", 3554], ["color", 3563], ["coloring", 3563], ["eye", 3573], ["eyed", 3573], ["eyes", 3573], ["bluer", 3579], ["center", 3595], ["flame", 3606], ["pant", 3667], ["panting", 3667], ["pleasantly", 3682], ["tired", 3688], ["male", 3718], ["males", 3718], ["wolf", 3723], ["take", 3729], ["takes", 3729], ["female", 3738], ["warmth", 3747], ["shoot", 3752], ["shooted", 3752], ["shot", 3752], ["stiffen", 3785], ["stiffens", 3785], ["stiffened", 3785], ["cock", 3794], ["cockest", 3794], ["alone", 3817], ["scent", 3851], ["scentest", 3851], ["arousal", 3866], ["drift", 3874], ["drifting", 3874], ["drifted", 3874], ["excite", 3896], ["excited", 3896], ["excites", 3896], ["good", 3941], ["force", 3956], ["forced", 3956], ["walk", 3972], ["away", 3977], ["restless", 4008], ["begin", 4024], ["began", 4024], ["pace", 4032], ["continue", 4082], ["continued", 4082], ["tell", 4100], ["unlimited", 4174], ["communication", 4188], ["envision", 4214], ["central", 4226], ["unifying", 4260], ["right", 4273], ["rightest", 4273], ["information", 4293], ["incomplete", 4307], ["incompletes", 4307], ["send", 4350], ["global", 4361], ["message", 4370], ["messages", 4370], ["coordinate", 4385], ["coordinatest", 4385], ["effort", 4397], ["efforts", 4397], ["way", 4405], ["ways", 4405], ["able", 4428], ["abled", 4428], ["much", 4468], ["registration", 4488], ["safeguard", 4525], ["safeguarding", 4525], ["safeguards", 4525], ["install", 4535], ["warning", 4543], ["system", 4551], ["systems", 4551]]
david hands me over with a curt smile , handle with extreme care , he says , before turning around and walking away from us . im leon boise , my new partner tells me as we start to dance . he laughs , his silver hair gleaming in the lights , i didnt think i was famous . i may have read some news articles . he seems surprised , but is happy enough to tell me about his business as we dance . afterwards , i excuse myself and go to the ladies room . while im checking my makeup , the door opens , and my eyes meet carole banks in the mirror . she pauses at the door , giving me a long hard look . for a few moments , we just look at each other , her gaze shrewd and assessing , mine puzzled and expecting the worst . oh look , its the child bride . she says disparagingly . i debate whether to reply , then i decide to ignore her , and turn back to the mirror . so hows marriage to david treating you ? you look happy ? i turn to look at her , unwilling to be affected by her animosity . i tell her , not that its any of her business . her expression changes to one of faux concern . doesnt it bother you that it wont last ? why shouldnt it ? because i didnt try to buy davids love with a couple of shares ? her eyes narrow , and then suddenly , she starts to laugh . you really are as innocent and trusting as you look . she makes the words sound like stupid and dumb . she comes closer to me , as if she has some secret of vital importance to impart . sophie , david uses people . thats how he got where he is . he used me , he used my father , and now hes using you . youre just saying that because youre ... jealous ? she interrupts , well maybe i am . but darling the truth is , he married you for a reason , and now that hes got what he wanted , he no longer needs you . well , he never would have had his company without my father , and he would have lost control of it if i had sold my shares to the wrong person . so you told him you would sell your shares to him if he married you ? i mirror her expression of scorn , that sounds pretty desperate to me . so your husband blackmailed me and forced me to do what he wanted . he is a snake , and he always plays dirty . she pauses , of course it wasnt enough to him to win , he had to marry a green little country rat from the backwater to teach me a lesson . her words touch me . wasnt that the answer to the question i had been asking myself all this time . why did david marry me ? you know im right , she gives me a measuring look . be careful sophie , david is a dangerous man , he wont hesitate to toss you away as soon hes be done with you . i say with false bravado . she shakes her head who cares , just dont get too comfortable in his life , youll be alone as soon as he gets tired of all that , she gestures in the general direction of my body . i search my head for a retort , but she has already swung out of the room . its only after she has gone that i realize that my fists are clenched so tight , my nails are cutting into the skin of my palms . i dont want to believe the things shes said , but deep down , i know shes telling the truth . chapter seven when i leave the ladies room , all i want to do is find david and make him deny the things carole said to me . hes not in the ballroom , and the dining room is already empty . i go in the direction of a wide stairway that leads from the ballroom to a mezzanine floor , where there are some chairs and many french doors that lead to a long balcony . davids not anywhere on the mezzanine floor either , im about to turn back down the stairs when i decide to check outside . the balcony runs along the whole length of the hotel and is filled with different species of potted plants . there are a few people close to the doors , mostly smoking and conversing . i decide to walk a little further , mainly because , there is a cool breeze coming from the sea . i take only a few steps before i see them . carole has her hands on david arm , and shes saying something to him , her expression full of passion . i freeze on the spot , unable to take my eyes off them . i can only see davids back , but he seems to be listening to her , whatever it is that shes saying . suddenly she pulls his face down and starts to kiss him . i stand there waiting for him to push her away , but he doesnt . when i cant look anymore , i turn on my heel and rush back into the hotel . i hurry down the stairs , feeling an actual pain in my chest . its heavy and aching , and its spreading all over my body . at the lobby , i ask for a cab . it only takes a few minutes before one arrives .	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["animosity", 985], ["expression", 1050], ["change", 1058], ["changes", 1058], ["faux", 1073], ["concern", 1081], ["concerned", 1081], ["concernest", 1081], ["bother", 1100], ["bothers", 1100], ["bothering", 1100], ["last", 1122], ["try", 1162], ["tryed", 1162], ["buy", 1169], ["buyed", 1169], ["david", 1176], ["davids", 1176], ["love", 1181], ["couple", 1195], ["share", 1205], ["shares", 1205], ["narrow", 1223], ["suddenly", 1243], ["start", 1256], ["starts", 1256], ["laugh", 1265], ["really", 1278], ["innocent", 1294], ["trust", 1307], ["trusting", 1307], ["word", 1341], ["words", 1341], ["sound", 1347], ["like", 1352], ["stupid", 1359], ["dumb", 1368], ["come", 1380], ["comes", 1380], ["close", 1387], ["closer", 1387], ["secret", 1421], ["vital", 1430], ["importance", 1441], ["impart", 1451], ["use", 1473], ["uses", 1473], ["people", 1480], ["get", 1499], ["got", 1499], ["use", 1521], ["used", 1521], ["father", 1544], ["fathered", 1544], ["fathering", 1544], ["use", 1564], ["using", 1564], ["say", 1588], ["sayest", 1588], ["saying", 1588], ["jealous", 1619], ["interrupt", 1636], ["interruptest", 1636], ["interrupts", 1636], ["well", 1643], ["wells", 1643], ["maybe", 1649], ["darling", 1668], ["truth", 1678], ["marry", 1694], ["married", 1694], ["reason", 1711], ["reasonest", 1711], ["long", 1764], ["longs", 1764], ["need", 1770], ["needest", 1770], ["needs", 1770], ["never", 1792], ["company", 1819], ["companys", 1819], ["companying", 1819], ["without", 1827], ["lose", 1862], ["lost", 1862], ["control", 1870], ["sell", 1890], ["sells", 1890], ["sold", 1890], ["wrong", 1913], ["person", 1920], ["tell", 1934], ["told", 1934], ["sell", 1953], ["sells", 1953], ["scorn", 2025], ["scorning", 2025], ["scornest", 2025], ["sound", 2039], ["sounds", 2039], ["pretty", 2046], ["prettiest", 2046], ["desperate", 2056], ["husband", 2080], ["husbanding", 2080], ["blackmail", 2092], ["blackmails", 2092], ["blackmailest", 2092], ["blackmailed", 2092], ["force", 2106], ["forced", 2106], ["snake", 2146], ["always", 2162], ["play", 2168], ["playest", 2168], ["plays", 2168], ["dirty", 2174], ["course", 2199], ["win", 2229], ["marry", 2247], ["married", 2247], ["green", 2255], ["greens", 2255], ["little", 2262], ["country", 2270], ["rat", 2274], ["ratted", 2274], ["backwater", 2293], ["teach", 2302], ["lesson", 2314], ["touch", 2332], ["touching", 2332], ["answer", 2359], ["answeres", 2359], ["answerest", 2359], ["question", 2375], ["ask", 2393], ["asking", 2393], ["time", 2414], ["know", 2450], ["knowest", 2450], ["right", 2459], ["rightest", 2459], ["give", 2471], ["gives", 2471], ["careful", 2504], ["dangerous", 2534], ["man", 2538], ["mans", 2538], ["manned", 2538], ["hesitate", 2557], ["toss", 2565], ["soon", 2582], ["say", 2611], ["sayest", 2611], ["false", 2622], ["bravado", 2630], ["shake", 2643], ["shakes", 2643], ["head", 2652], ["care", 2662], ["cares", 2662], ["get", 2678], ["comfortable", 2694], ["life", 2706], ["lifes", 2706], ["alone", 2723], ["get", 2742], ["gets", 2742], ["tired", 2748], ["gesture", 2775], ["gestures", 2775], ["general", 2790], ["direction", 2800], ["body", 2811], ["bodied", 2811], ["search", 2822], ["retort", 2843], ["retortest", 2843], ["already", 2865], ["swing", 2871], ["swung", 2871], ["go", 2917], ["goest", 2917], ["gone", 2917], ["realize", 2932], ["fist", 2946], ["fists", 2946], ["clench", 2959], ["clenched", 2959], ["tight", 2968], ["nail", 2979], ["nails", 2979], ["cut", 2991], ["cutting", 2991], ["skin", 3005], ["palm", 3017], ["palms", 3017], ["palmed", 3017], ["palmest", 3017], ["believe", 3042], ["thing", 3053], ["things", 3053], ["say", 3063], ["sayest", 3063], ["said", 3063], ["deep", 3074], ["deeply", 3074], ["tell", 3101], ["telling", 3101], ["chapter", 3121], ["seven", 3127], ["left", 3140], ["leave", 3140], ["find", 3183], ["deny", 3207], ["ballroom", 3262], ["ballrooms", 3262], ["empty", 3301], ["wide", 3335], ["stairway", 3344], ["stairways", 3344], ["lead", 3355], ["leaded", 3355], ["leads", 3355], ["mezzanine", 3388], ["floor", 3394], ["chair", 3424], ["chairing", 3424], ["chairs", 3424], ["many", 3433], ["french", 3440], ["door", 3446], ["doors", 3446], ["lead", 3456], ["leaded", 3456], ["balcony", 3474], ["anywhere", 3496], ["either", 3526], ["stair", 3566], ["stairs", 3566], ["check", 3589], ["outside", 3597], ["run", 3616], ["runs", 3616], ["along", 3622], ["whole", 3632], ["wholes", 3632], ["length", 3639], ["hotel", 3652], ["fill", 3666], ["fills", 3666], ["filled", 3666], ["different", 3681], ["specie", 3689], ["species", 3689], ["plant", 3706], ["plants", 3706], ["close", 3737], ["mostly", 3759], ["smoke", 3767], ["converse", 3782], ["conversing", 3782], ["walk", 3801], ["far", 3818], ["mainly", 3827], ["cool", 3853], ["breeze", 3860], ["breezing", 3860], ["come", 3867], ["coming", 3867], ["sea", 3880], ["take", 3889], ["step", 3906], ["steps", 3906], ["see", 3919], ["arm", 3960], ["full", 4017], ["passion", 4028], ["froze", 4039], ["frozen", 4039], 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jennifer to beth > > was chris surprised to see you at the show ? beth to jennifer > > nyah . jennifer to beth > > nyah ? you 're so coy . i 've been thinking about why you wo n't tell me how you met . i think it must be scandalous . beth to jennifer > > yes and yes . jennifer to beth > > there you go again . beth to jennifer > > sorry . i know how you feel about chris . ( i know how everybody feels about chris . ) and it feels weird telling gushy romantic stories about him . i can sense your disdain . jennifer to beth > > how do i feel ? and who 's everybody ? beth to jennifer > > you do n't like him . and everybody is everybody . you , did i mention you ? jennifer to beth > > that 's not fair . i like chris . beth to jennifer > > but you think i can do better . jennifer to beth > > that 's not quite true . and i want you to be happy . and you 're not happy . so i look for what in your life is making you unhappy . and i think chris sometimes makes you unhappy . beth to jennifer > > mitch sometimes makes you unhappy . jennifer to beth > > that 's true . beth to jennifer > > you 're thinking , `` but ... '' jennifer to beth > > i 'm sorry . i do n't want you to feel like you ca n't tell me things about chris , gushy and romantic or otherwise . i tell you everything , and it 's such an enormous comfort to have someone to tell . also , maybe if you told me all the gushy , romantic things about chris , i would understand why you put up with the other things , the things that do make me roll my eyes . beth to jennifer > > that 's a good point . jennifer to beth > > so ... beth to jennifer > > so ? jennifer to beth > > so , tell me something gushy and romantic . tell me how you met . once upon a time , at a family reunion , i met a married man ... beth to jennifer > > you do n't have to like him to be my friend . as long as you like me , we 're cool . jennifer to beth > > i want to like him . beth to jennifer > > i should n't have said that about mitch making you unhappy . i love mitch . jennifer to beth > > no , it 's okay . mitch does make me unhappy sometimes , and you do n't hold it against him . once upon a time at a family reunion ... beth to jennifer > > okay . i met chris at the student union . jennifer to beth > > you do n't say . beth to jennifer > > we both used to study there between our 9:30 and 11:30 classes . i had seen him on campus before . he was always wearing this yellow sweatshirt and giant headphones . the kind of headphones that say , `` i may not take my clothes seriously . i may not have brushed or even washed my hair today . but i pronounce the word 'music ' with a capital 'm . ' like god . '' are you rolling your eyes yet ? jennifer to beth > > are you kidding ? i love love stories . beth to jennifer > > so i had noticed him before . he had eddie vedder hair . ginger brown , tangly . he was too thin ( much thinner than he is now ) , and there were permanent smudges under his eyes . like he was too cool to eat or sleep . i thought he was dreamy . i called him headphone boy . i could n't believe my luck when i realized we studied in the union at the same time . wel l , i studied . he would pull a paperback out of his pocket and read . never a textbook . sometimes , he 'd just sit there with his eyes closed , listening to music , his legs all jangly and loose . he gave me impure thoughts . jennifer to beth > > you 're not stopping there ! you ca n't stop with `` impure thoughts . '' beth to jennifer > > i have to . pam just came over . one of the old movie theaters is closing . the indian hills . it 's got one of the last cinerama screens left in the country . i ca n't believe they want to close the place . ( i 've seen all four star wars movies there . i need to complete the series , damn it . ) pam wants a story about it by morning .	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so here 's how it went in god 's heart : the six or seven or ten of us walked/wheeled in , grazed at a decrepit selection of cookies and lemonade , sat down in the circle of trust , and listened to patrick recount for the thousandth time his depressingly miserable life story-how he had cancer in his balls and they thought he was going to die but he did n't die and now here he is , a full-grown adult in a church basement in the 137th nicest city in america , divorced , addicted to video games , mostly friendless , eking out a meager living by exploiting his cancertastic past , slowly working his way toward a master 's degree that will not improve his career prospects , waiting , as we all do , for the sword of damocles to give him the relief that he escaped lo those many years ago when cancer took both of his nuts but spared what only the most generous soul would call his life . and you too might be so lucky ! then we introduced ourselves : name . and how we 're doing today . i 'm hazel , i 'd say when they 'd get to me . thyroid originally but with an impressive and long-settled satellite colony in my lungs . and i 'm doing okay . once we got around the circle , patrick always asked if anyone wanted to share . and then began the circle jerk of support : everyone talking about fighting and battling and winning and shrinking and scanning . to be fair to patrick , he let us talk about dying , too . but most of them were n't dying . most would live into adulthood , as patrick had . ( which meant there was quite a lot of competitiveness about it , with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself , but also the other people in the room . like , i realize that this is irrational , but when they tell you that you have , say , a 20 percent chance of living five years , the math kicks in and you figure that 's one in five ... so you look around and think , as any healthy person would : i got ta outlast four of these bastards . ) the only redeeming facet of support group was this kid named isaac , a long-faced , skinny guy with straight blond hair swept over one eye . and his eyes were the problem . he had some fantastically improbable eye cancer . one eye had been cut out when he was a kid , and now he wore the kind of thick glasses that made his eyes ( both the real one and the glass one ) preternaturally huge , like his whole head was basically just this fake eye and this real eye staring at you . from what i could gather on the rare occasions when isaac shared with the group , a recurrence had placed his remaining eye in mortal peril . isaac and i communicated almost exclusively through sighs . each time someone discussed anticancer diets or snorting ground-up shark fin or whatever , he 'd glance over at me and sigh ever so slightly . i 'd shake my head microscopically and exhale in response . so support group blew , and after a few weeks , i grew to be rather kicking-and-screaming about the whole affair . in fact , on the wednesday i made the acquaintance of augustus waters , i tried my level best to get out of support group while sitting on the couch with my mom in the third leg of a twelve-hour marathon of the previous season 's america 's next top model , which admittedly i had already seen , but still . me : `` i refuse to attend support group . '' mom : `` one of the symptoms of depression is disinterest in activities . '' me : `` please just let me watch america 's next top model . it 's an activity . '' mom : `` television is a passivity . '' me : `` ugh , mom , please . '' mom : `` hazel , you 're a teenager . you 're not a little kid anymore . you need to make friends , get out of the house , and live your life . '' me : `` if you want me to be a teenager , do n't send me to support group . buy me a fake id so i can go to clubs , drink vodka , and take pot . '' mom : `` you do n't take pot , for starters . '' me : `` see , that 's the kind of thing i 'd know if you got me a fake id . '' mom : `` you 're going to support group . '' me : `` uggggggggggggg . '' mom : `` hazel , you deserve a life . '' that shut me up , although i failed to see how attendance at support group met the definition of life . still , i agreed to go-after negotiating the right to record the 1.5 episodes of antm i 'd be missing . i went to support group for the same reason that i 'd once allowed nurses with a mere eighteen months of graduate education to poison me with exotically named chemicals : i wanted to make my parents happy . there is only one thing in this world shittier than biting it from cancer when you 're sixteen , and that 's having a kid who bites it from cancer . mom pulled into the circular driveway behind the church at 4:56 . i pretended to fiddle with my oxygen tank for a second just to kill time . `` do you want me to carry it in for you ? '' the cylindrical green tank only weighed a few pounds , and i had this little steel cart to wheel it around behind me . it delivered two liters of oxygen to me each minute through a cannula , a transparent tube that split just beneath my neck , wrapped behind my ears , and then reunited in my nostrils . the contraption was necessary because my lungs sucked at being lungs . `` i love you , '' she said as i got out .	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who would 've thought those pounds would make such a difference . '' tears of joy sprang to courtney 's eyes as she threw open the screen door . she asked , hugging her tightly . in seconds they were both laughing and weeping simultaneously . the commotion was enough to bring their grandmother out from the kitchen . soon her squeals of delight mingled with theirs . `` my , oh my , this is lovely , '' grams said , pulling julianna into the living room . `` but-how did you get here ? '' `` by plane . the most amazing thing happened . i got an express letter that said my baby sister 's been asked to home-coming by the star football player . which i knew , of course . the letter suggested courtney might need a little help getting ready for the big dance . '' her grandmother raised both hands . `` i 'm telling you right now , i had nothing to do with this . '' `` there was an airline ticket in the envelope , '' julianna explained . `` also included was a long list of instructions . the first was that a car service would arrange to drive me to o'hare , and that another car would be waiting to pick me up at sea-tac . it would then drive me to grams 's house , but i was warned i could n't say anything to either of you in advance . '' `` well , i , for one , am surprised , '' courtney whispered , her cheeks still wet with tears . `` i was given a cashier 's check for my expenses , but it 's far more money than i 'll need . i 'm thinking we should make an appointment for your hair and your nails as soon as we can . '' `` my hair and nails , too ? '' courtney whispered , so overwhelmed she could barely speak . grams looked utterly perplexed . `` i wish i 'd thought of it , but even if i had , i never would 've been able to afford all this . '' `` our carriage awaits , '' her sister announced grandly . `` well , the car . but the driver 's in livery . '' `` i mean , a uniform-but is n't this just like cinderella ? '' `` why 's the car waiting ? '' courtney felt as if she had , indeed , been dropped into the middle of her favorite fairy tale . at the good part , though , when the godmother materializes and waves her wand around . or godfather , she corrected , and it was a check , not a wand . `` the car 's going to take us all to dinner , '' julianna said . `` we have reservations at morton 's on 4th avenue . from there , the driver will drop courtney and me at the mall and take you home , grams . we 're supposed to arrange a time and place for him to meet us when we 're finished . '' `` i ca n't believe this , '' courtney shrieked , giving way to her excitement . `` i must admit this is some fairy godfather you 've got , '' julianna teased . `` let me grab my sweater , '' vera said . `` i did n't feel like cooking tonight , anyway . '' courtney led her sister upstairs so they could leave her suitcase in one of the spare rooms . `` just until saturday afternoon . i have to get back , and whoever arranged this seemed to know that , too . '' `` have you talked to jason ? '' `` it is n't him , '' she said with a laugh . `` he does n't have a dime to his name . in fact , he 's always trying to borrow from me-as if i had anything extra . '' the phone rang just as they were leaving the house . courtney debated whether she should answer it , and then decided it might be andrew . with her grandmother 's ancient phone , caller id was n't an option , even if she 'd been willing to spring for it . so phone calls were always a mystery . `` hello , '' she answered , hoping it was andrew . oh , andrew , the most wonderful thing 's happened ! but i do n't have time to explain everything right now . '' `` because , '' she laughed , giddy with joy , `` my sister 's here and there 's a car waiting to take me shopping for a homecoming dress , and andrew-oh , annie can tell you about it . '' `` this must be the day for good news . '' everyone was waiting on the porch , but she had to know . `` it wo n't be official until tomorrow , but i 've been elected homecoming king . '' `` oh , andrew ! `` nothing in this world would make me prouder than to have you with me on friday night . '' running light-heartedly out to the car , courtney could n't stop smiling .	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i stand up and object , '' i was walking away . if you had n't reached up and grabbed me by the hair i would n't have put you on the ground . i did n't beat you . i just laid you on the found and leaned on you and talked reason that 's it . '' once i 'd said my peace i sat back down and folded me legs beside me . maria looked to tim and amy , they both looked thoughtful . it was tim that spoke this time , '' maria your right , she should n't have put you on the ground , '' maria grinned thinking she had won but her face fell as soon as tim continued , '' but you started first . as you know we have a saying around here ' do n't dish out what you ca n't take back ' and 'pick your battles wisely because you ca n't win them all ' so in light of all of this . macey i sentence you to two weeks of dish duty . '' one again maria 's face lit up , but tim was n't done yet , '' maria for being the aggressor in this matter your sentence you to 20 laundry days . you will be helping amy pick up laundry baskets and handing them back out again . there will be no good behavior slip outs for either of you . '' maria looked shocked , i did n't honestly care one way or another that this turned out with me being punished as well . i actually liked the idea of how tim and amy ran their house of misfits . benjamin comes running in and throws himself at chest . he balls up his tiny fist and pretends to sock him in the nose . chest covers his nose and pretends to be hurt . ah benj now i have to call on amy to fix him . '' i add playing pretend as well . benjamin laughs as amy comes over and pretends to take a look at chest 's 'broken ' nose . the whole room lights up to a family scene and the playing begins . the main focal point of the game being benjamin attacking chest and amy fixing him . everyone seems to be happy except for maria , she puts her hands in her pockets and walks outside . i should have left it alone but did n't . i get up and follow her , completely expecting to apologize and make one more failed attempt to make peace with her . she walks around the back of the house and starts to head to the back of the compound . she passes the infirmary where amy , tim , and chest brought me after i fell off of the cliff . i wonder where she 's going since that is the last building on the compound except for sunder 's last lab failure . i still do n't understand how he got in to the compound any way . since a tall brick wall stands between the compound and the outside world . she walks forward and stands outside the opening to the lab and stared inside . she kicked some of the gravel and muttered to herself . just seeing her that way caused me to think that she might not have been out to get me . maybe she did n't hate just me . the lab door opened and maria looked up , not necessarily in surprise but more in relief . i move back and hide behind one of the boulders that stand nearby . sunder walks up to maria and puts a hand on her back . i 'm surprised when she does n't flinch away . i can hear maria 's voice but ca n't tell what she 's saying , she is too far away and whispering . i see sunder answering her in a soft voice as if reassuring her of something . like when you tell someone 'it 's going to be okay ' when they are really upset . i continue to watch closely and try to figure out what 's happening . maria steps closer to sunder and he wraps his arm around her shoulders . if i did n't know better i 'd say that the two of them were friends and have been for a long time . maybe i do n't know better . maybe the last fight between the two was just a show . could it be that the last time i was kidnapped by sunder been just a fake ? was i simply one of their props ? i knew that i should tell amy or tim but what proof did i have ? i surely did n't want to have to go through with the whole lawyer and court bit again . but yet i knew that letting her do this would be a mistake that i would eventually regret . i want to get closer to the scene but there is no other vegetation or rock out cropping that would hide me enough so i was n't caught . then again maybe that is exactly why maria is doing this . so i could catch her and falsely accuse me again of something that did happen but twisted to make it seem worse than it already was . but then again what if that is n't the case ? what if this is n't some ploy ? what if this really is a secret meeting between maria and sunder ?	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eyebrows slammed together . we are nothing alike . i would have sensed it . you were raised outside the enclave and never taught the finer skills . suddenly she was at the bars of the cage , lifting her arms to grab a handhold high above her head . ill show you skills . her nipples were tight little buds , and he couldnt keep his hungry gaze from caressing them . her warm scent washed over him . sweet mother of camma , she was ripe and ready . he wasnt sure if hed be able to get her back to the enclave without mating with her . when he made no move to comply , she shoved away from the bars and continued pacing . she kept herself side-on to him , which put her high breasts and curvy butt on display . if she was looking to distract him , it was working . what enclave ? blood pounded painfully in his groin . to distract himself he busied his fingers taking off his cloak . her gaze swept down to the front of his pants and she purred at his reaction . he kept talking , because it helped him to remember to breathe . our ancestral home in scotland . you , along with your entire litter , was stolen from us not long after you were born . clan cugar . our families have hidden in the highlands for thousands of years . its time for all of us to come home . a strange expression chased across her face . he couldnt be sure ; it was gone too quickly . theres a concept . funny , you people never seemed terribly interested in bringing me home before . after all the years weve been in competition ? he risked moving closer to the cage , resting his hands on a crossbar . her eyes followed the movement and her pink tongue darted out to lick her lips . concentrate , you fool . once a cugar is separated from the clan , our wild , loner nature takes over and its near impossible to bring anyone back . our numbers , particularly our females , are dwindling . these past months we have been gathering whats left of our clan for the choosing . you are the most feral of the lost ones , so you were left for last . she padded closer to him , completely unconcerned about her nudity . in fact , she seemed to be enjoying itand its effect on him . only a tell-tale ripple along her jaw line and the sheen of moisture on her skin betrayed her distress at being caged . so thats why my last few jobs have been so easy . youve been busy herding cats . she was only inches away now , her silvery eyes fixed on him . he stared at her lush lips , tightened his fingers on the bar to keep from reaching for her . he must wait for the choosing . she might not be for him . with so few pureblood females left , there was a very real possibility that none of them would be for him . the thought of another male plunging his cock inside her body , marking her satiny skin his knuckles whitened on the bar , and sweat broke out on his forehead . not even his years of disciplined training could prevent it . ones she reached for him first , slipping her hands through the bars and closing them over his cock , pumping him hard through his pants . enough , he groaned . he let go of the cage and cradled her breasts in his hands , thumbing the tips and reveling fiercely in the sounds she made . her face loomed maddeningly close , so close her breath poured hot over his lips . that was a plant , wasnt it ? but i let you have it first because it was the only way i could get you in one place long enough toshite . she caught the head of his cock between her thumbs and toyed with it . with a low growl he reached around her as far as the cage would allow and pressed her closer . the cold metal dug into her flesh , and she shuddered in reaction but kept up her assault and reached for his lower lip with her tongue . a single tiny taste of her , and he knew he would be lost . he shut his eyes to try one last time to regain control . by the time he realized his mistake she had his cock gripped in one hand , and with the other she pressed his own belt buckle knife to his throat . he was trapped on the outside of the cage , suspended between heaven and hell . would you like to hear where my home was for the first three years of my life , william ? im not going anywhere , lass . her chest pumped air in and out . in a zoo . his smile fled and he stared at her face , now twisted with fury . when they tried to use me in their breeding program william closed his eyes and hissed . i went crazy and learned damned quick that i could shift . the zookeeper learned , too . he learned , after they scraped his balls off the floor of my cage , there wouldnt be a next generation in his family . now if youre planning on having your own litter somedayget .	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she stands there in the snow , watching him go . tiny kisses of white fire land on her cheeks , almost immediately turning to spots of water that slide downward , slipping like cold fingers beneath her collar . soon he is only a blur , a smear of gray wool moving in all that white . she thinks perhaps he has stopped to wave to her , but she can not be sure . instead , she sees how night falls on the snow , how it changes the color and textures , and she tries to place this in her memory so that she can describe it in her journal . `` do you remember when i used to dream of being a writer ? '' vera says quietly now . it is a long time before her mother says , even more softly , `` i remember all of it . '' `` maybe someday- '' `` shhh , '' her mother says , stroking her hair . `` it will only hurt more . vera hears the disappointment in mama 's voice , and the accep tance . vera wonders if one day she will sound like that , too , if it will seem easier to give up . before she can think of what to say , she hears leo in the kitchen . no doubt he is talking to the stuffed rabbit that is his best friend . vera thinks , it has begun . she feels her mother 's kiss , hears words whispered at her ear , but she can not understand them . the roar in her head is too loud . she eases out from the bed and sits up . although this morning is warm , as was the night before , she is dressed in a skirt and a sweater . a battered pair of shoes waits at the end of the bed . they are all sleeping in their clothes now . an air raid can come at any time . the sound of movements overtake the small apartment : olga whines that she is still sleepy and her arms ache from loading art into boxes ; her grandmother blows her nose ; anya informs everyone that she is hungry . it is all so ordinary . vera swallows the lump that has formed in her throat , but it will not go away . in the kitchen , she sees leo-the spitting image of his father , with angelic golden curls and expressive green eyes . her lion . he is laughing now , telling his poor one-eyed , tattered rabbit that maybe they will get to feed the swans in the summer garden today . `` it is war , '' anya says , looking impossibly superior for a five-year-old . her lisp turns the sentence into something softer , but all of anya 's fire is in her eyes . she is pure steel , this girl ; exactly how vera once imagined herself to be . `` actually , '' vera says . `` we are going on a walk . '' she feels physically ill when she says it , but her mother comes up behind her ; with a touch , vera can go on . she crosses the room and picks up their coats . last night , vera stayed up late , sewing money and letters into the lining of her babies ' coats . leo is on his feet in an instant , gleefully clapping his hands , saying , `` walk ! '' even anya is smiling . it has only been five days since the announcement of war , but in those days their old life has disappeared . breakfast passes like a funeral procession , in quiet glances and lowered gazes . no one except mama can look at vera . at the end of the meal , her grandmother rises . when she looks at vera , her eyes fill with tears and she turns away . `` come , zoya , '' her grandmother says in a harsh voice . `` it does not look good to be late . '' vera can see that her mother 's lip is bleeding from where she has bitten it . she goes to her grandchildren and kneels down , taking them in her arms and holding them . `` do n't cry , baba , '' leo says . `` you can walk with us tomorrow . '' across the room , olga bursts into tears and tries immediately to control herself . `` i am going now , mama . '' mama lets go slowly and gets back to her feet . `` be good , '' is the last thing she says to her grandchildren . she hands vera one hundred rubles . `` it is all we have left . i 'm sorry ... ... '' vera nods and hugs her mother one last time . then she straightens . `` let 's go , children . '' the six of them walk together for as long as they can ; mama and baba leave first , turning toward the badayev food warehouses where they both work ; olga leaves next . she hugs her niece and nephew fiercely and tries to hide her tears and she runs toward her trolley stop . now it is just vera and her children , walking down the busy street . all around her , trenches are being dug , shelters are being built .	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`` because they 've found someone they ca n't live without . '' he was very much afraid he 'd done exactly that . `` but what if the other someone does n't feel the same ? '' ah , the cold slap of reality . if she 'd begun to guess his feelings , she was reminding him that both parties had to be fully committed . `` then perhaps they 're not destined to be mates , '' he said . `` well , enough deep philosophy ! i see you discovered the flat screen that we 're not going to make use of . what else do we need to explore before we continue with our decadent evening ? '' she was obviously ready to change the subject and the mood , and he admired her resilience . she could very well be more resilient than he was . `` there 's a jacuzzi in the bathroom , '' he said . `` it 's next to a window , though , so that could prove to be a problem for you . '' `` all i need is you and more champagne . '' `` that i can provide . '' maybe before he left he 'd order a case of that bubbly for her . it was a poor substitute for being there personally , but it might help . chapter 18 while colin turned on the tap to fill the black jacuzzi with water , luna went to fetch the rest of the champagne and the plate of food . on a hunch , she opened a small refrigerator under the wet bar and discovered a second bottle of the same pricey stuff . that could come in handy as she adjusted to the fact that colin was leaving . he did n't seem particularly happy about it , either , but that would n't keep him here . he was n't essential to the development of the business , but he was essential to the running of his pack in scotland . he 'd only agreed to her plan of opening an inn because he trusted her to manage it without him . she 'd known all that , but had hoped for more time with him . she was n't going to get it , and expensive champagne would help blunt her disappointment . she clutched the nearly empty bottle plus the unopened one against her stomach while carrying the plate of food in her free hand . `` look what i found , '' she announced as she walked into the bathroom . colin came over to relieve her of the bottles . he emptied the last of the old bottle into his glass , briskly opened the new bottle of champagne as if he 'd been doing it for years and neatly filled her glass without spilling a drop . `` maybe we should order some more food , too , so we do n't get completely peshed . '' `` and what 's wrong with that , my much honoured laird of glenbarra ? what better time to get peshed than in a complimentary penthouse with complimentary high-end bubbly ? '' we 'll worry about food later . '' luna raised her glass . `` to george trevelyan . '' `` to good old george . '' colin touched his glass to hers . `` do n't let him intimidate you , lass . '' `` i wo n't , but if he tries , will you come over here and kick his butt ? '' colin 's slight hesitation told her all she needed to know . i can handle george just fine . '' she longed to ask him when he would come back , but she might not like the answer . if she ran the inn as efficiently as he expected her to , he would n't need to come back at all . she took another swallow of champagne and set her glass on the black marble counter . standing in the middle of the bathroom , she glanced at colin . `` ever watched a striptease ? '' the champagne fizzed through her veins , making her feel sexy and bold . `` only in movies , but i know the general idea . i think i should perform one for you . '' colin turned off the faucet and sat on the edge of the tub , his champagne glass in hand . i 'll provide my own music . '' she vaguely remembered a tune that she 'd heard and she began to hum it . colin 's lips twitched as if he were trying very hard not to smile . `` 'the stripper . ' `` so you recognize it ? i 'm not such a great singer . '' `` in my book , you 're a very fine singer . '' `` now , that 's a lie , but i 'm good enough for this , anyway . '' she kept humming as she began to swivel her h*ps and ease her sundress strap down over her shoulder . then with a wink , she pulled it back into place and started on the other strap . she rolled her shoulder and gave him a melting look as she eased the second strap down and continued to hum . this time she managed to get the strap all the way off , although it might not have been the smoothest move in the world .	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her eyes flashed and her body trembled . a storm right here , between them . ammar stared at her , his body pulsing with an anger he could not suppress even as he bleakly acknowledged she was right . he could not deny a single thing she 'd said . 'we said vows , ' he said tautly . 'vows you broke the same day we spoke them ! where was the love in leaving me alone , waiting for you on our wedding night ? or how did cherish come into bringing me to that wretched island of your father 's and leaving me there for two months ? ' her voice broke and he thought she blinked back tears ; her eyes were luminous with them . 'you hurt me , ammar , ' she whispered . 'you hurt me terribly . ' ammar did n't answer . he could n't ; he had no words . he never had the right words , yet he hated that he had hurt her . the thought that he 'd caused her so much pain-enough that it still made her cry years later-was unbearable ; he forced it away , along with all the other thoughts that he could n't face . there were , he knew , far too many of them . 'then let me make it right , ' he said . the words felt unfamiliar , awkward , and yet he meant them . she swiped at her eyes , angry again . 'by giving our marriage a second chance . ' she stared at him , her eyes wide , like a trapped animal 's . 'our marriage , ' she said flatly , 'never was . annulled , ammar . like it-we-did n't exist . ' 'we did exist . ' sometimes he felt as if his time with noelle , his self with noelle , was more real than anything before or after . yet he was not about to admit such a thing to her now . she shook her head , her anger replaced by a weary bewilderment . 'why do you even want such a thing ? you did n't want to be married to me before . why now ? ' 'i always , ' ammar said , 'wanted to be married to you . ' her mouth dropped open and she looked as if she wanted to argue . he looked away , fought the rush of painful fury he felt at revealing such weakness . 'i can not believe that , ' noelle said flatly . 'because- ' she pressed a trembling fist to her mouth , her eyes still so heartbreakingly wide . 'because it does n't make sense . ' he felt the weight of all the things he had n't told her , things he was afraid to tell her because he knew she would look at him differently . she would hate him , perhaps far more than she thought she did now . 'none of this makes any sense , ' she whispered . ammar stared down at the table , took a deep breath . 'you loved me once . ' he looked up and saw her staring at him with such confused sorrow that it made everything inside him burn and writhe . why had he said such a thing ? 'yes , i did , ' she finally said . but you destroyed that , ammar , when you rejected me without any explanation . you refused to come to me on our wedding night-or any night after . he clenched his jaw so hard his whole head hurt . 'you ignored me day after day , left me to rot on that wretched island without so much as a word of explanation . and then , ' she finished , her voice breaking , 'when i came to you and tried to seduce my own husband , you sent me away in no uncertain terms ! ' every word she spoke was true , and yet still they made him furious . he rose from the table , laying his palms flat on its surface as he faced her and her accusing glare . 'clearly there is no point in continuing this conversation . you may return to your room and we will talk again tomorrow . ' she let out a harsh sound , something caught between a sob and another sharp laugh . 'what is this , ammar , the arabian nights ? am i to be fetched day after day into your presence until i finally break down and agree to your ridiculous demands ? ' his head throbbed and he forced himself to speak calmly . 'if i remember correctly , scheherazade gained her own happiness at the end of that tale . ' 'and was threatened with death every day ! ' 'i am not threatening you , ' ammar said , suddenly unbearably weary . he had not wanted this bitter acrimony at all , and yet he recognised it was at least in part his own damnable doing . 'you are safe here with me , i promise you . but you are too tired and it is too late for you to go anywhere tonight . we will talk tomorrow . ' 'and then you 'll let me go ? ' he stared at her , saw the hungry longing in her eyes , and felt a deep sorrow sweep through him .	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did weres have sex in human form , wolf form , or both ? was there a mating ritual ? did wolves bite each other when they had sex ? she knew nothing , and she had n't worked up the courage to ask anyone . but expecting colin to be her tutor had a big problem attached . she also wanted him to be her boss , and hav*g sx with a prospective boss , no matter how much janet had encouraged her to gain leverage that way , seemed unethical . colin set down his empty martini glass and stood . `` i suppose you 're worried about being unprofessional . '' the setting sun surrounded him with a golden aura and cast his face in shadow , making him look mysterious and virile . her heart raced in anticipation , even as she opened her mouth to refuse his request . `` i really don't- '' `` one kiss . '' he walked over and crouched in front of her , his arms balanced on his knees . `` i promise that it will have no effect one way or the other on your proposal . that 's a separate matter , one i will give consideration to tomorrow , when i 've had sleep and a chance to think about it . '' this close , she could see small golden flecks in the intense blue of his eyes . `` do i have your word on that ? '' his voice grew endearingly solemn . `` you have the word of a macdowell . '' `` oh , well , then , if i have the word of a macdowell , what could go wrong ? '' `` nothing , lass . '' putting one hand on her knee , he cupped the back of her head with the other and leaned toward her . `` it 's only a wee kiss , and the previous one could use some improvement , do n't you think ? '' counting yours , i 've only had two in my entire life . '' his eyes snapped open and he nearly toppled over as he drew back . `` who was the other chap ? '' he was staying at the hotel where i worked and caught me in the hallway . it was disgusting , and i got away from him as quick as i could . '' `` kneed him in the privates , then ? '' colin sounded hopeful . i squirmed and fought until he let me go . '' that sort could use a well-placed knee . '' `` just so we 're clear , lass . i 'm not that sort . '' he leaned toward her again . `` never thought you were . '' `` you can close your eyes now . '' she 'd been so fascinated by his mouth descending on hers that she had n't wanted to miss a thing . but she 'd seen screen kisses and knew eyes were usually closed . dutifully she closed hers . his breath touched her face . she breathed in , relishing the heady scent of him-a combination of musk , martini , and an intoxicating aroma that she suspected was exclusive to colin macdowell , laird of glenbarra . `` when i kiss you , give me some resistance . '' `` you want me to resist ? '' `` no , do n't resist me . '' his lips brushed hers once , twice . `` but when i apply pressure , you apply some , too . '' her heart was pounding so fast with excitement that she wondered if she 'd pass out . he would n't get any resistance , then , so she 'd have to remain conscious . you 've done this thousands of times . '' he nibbled at her lower lip . `` you have such a wonderful mouth . '' `` no , i must thank you for indulging me . here comes the kiss . '' you 'll faint . '' `` this is more complicated than i realized . '' `` it looks so easy in the movies . '' `` it is easy , once you get the hang of it . just relax , and when i make contact , give me something back . '' at first she froze , unable to think , unable to respond at all . his warm lips moved gently against hers . tentatively she matched his movements . `` yes , '' he murmured against her mouth . made bolder by his praise , she put more energy into making contact . and then , as if ancient wisdom had finally bubbled up within her , she knew what to do . grasping his head in both hands , she angled her head and took full possession of his mouth . his low moan of delight told her that she 'd figured out this kissing business . his fingers tightened against her scalp and his breathing quickened . she 'd succeeded in exciting him , and triumph bloomed in her heart . then , when she was congratulating herself on the success of this kiss , he lifted his head just enough to end it . her pride plummeted . but if you would open your mouth a wee bit ... `` `` you want to put your tongue in my- '' `` desperately . '' when he resumed kissing her , she slackened her jaw .	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`` i do n't know what i expect to find , they 're obviously not here , but '' `` you feel drawn , i know , i feel like i was supposed to bring you heretonight . '' he pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it . maybe we should do this tomorrow ? '' `` no , we 're supposed to be here . '' jason pushed open his door , ran around to my side , helped me out and then up the steps to the front porch . `` still got your key ? '' `` i 'm not '' i patted the front pocket of my jeans . i unlocked the front door and jason followed me inside . except for the lack of personal items , the house looked exactly the way it did when i left to go over to jason 's the night of the accident . we glanced around the rooms downstairs and then went upstairs . not so much as a picture had been left behindas if no one had ever lived here . we started back toward the stairs from elizabeth and benjamin 's empty room . `` i do n't know what i expected to find , there 's nothing here . '' jason said as we walked down the steps . jason led me into the parlor . except for the furniture , it was void of any personal items like all the other rooms . jason tugged my hand and started across the room . `` look , there 's two chess pieces on the board . '' on the table under the window , moonlight cast a faint shadow across the board , illuminating the outline of two chess pieces in a blue halo . `` the king and queen . '' i whispered and looked up into jason 's eyes . he did n't respond , but seemed to be mesmerized by the chessboard . he walked across the room , flipped off the overhead light and returned to my side . jason stooped , pulling me down with him . there , scrolled in the dust , we love you , forever . elizabeth we were both crying when we stood . jason slowly reached toward the table , but i stopped him . `` do n't , i want to leave it like it is . '' `` notice the way the 'h ' in elizabeth trails off the front of the tableand the other letters are perfect , like you 'd expect . '' he reached out , gently grasped the handle of the drawer and slip it open , bathing the contents in moonlight . a sparkling object lit up the room in tiny facets of blue light . jason reached into the drawer and withdrew an official looking paper . `` the deed to this house , it 's made out in the names of mr. jason whitaker and mrs. isabella faulkner whitaker . '' he set the paper on the edge of the table and reached back into the drawer . as he withdrew his hand , the blue sparkles moved with him . `` it 's elizabeth 's ring . '' he withdrew a gold band and set it on the deed . `` benjamin 's . '' jason knelt in front of me , took my left hand gently in his and looked up into my face . `` your parents left these rings so we could fulfill our dream . `` butyes , yes , of course i 'll marry you . '' jason slipped elizabeth 's ring on my fingernaturally a perfect fitkissed the ring and then my hand . he slowly stood , pulled me tightly against his chest and wrapped his arms around me . we stood silently , two hearts beating as one , from this moment on , until death do us part . i truly hope you enjoyed till death do us part , and the entire southern exposure saga . thanks again , lari connect with lari smythe online : facebook : http : //facebook.com/lari.smythe smashwords : http : //smashwords.com/profile/view/larismythe coming in 2015 off the grid , book ii in the perpetual motion series book iv of the southern exposure saga ? ? ? tarnished saints christmas ( tarnished saints series prequel ) by elizabeth rose copyright 2014 by elizabeth rose krejcik smashwords edition this ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . all characters , names , places and incidents are either a product of the authors imagination or used fictitiously . any similarity to actual organizations or persons living or deceased is entirely coincidental . no part of this book may be used or reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever without the authors written permission . cover by elizabeth rose krejcik cover images provided by shutterstock .	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a valid question since he 'd lived and breathed work since getting back on his feet . but if he came clean sandi would get on the next plane to dallas . `` i need a break from the relentless travel . '' either you want the promotion or you do n't . '' he heard her muffled voice telling someone she 'd be right back then what sounded like swishing sheets . he did not want to know about his sister 's sex life . a full minute later she asked , `` what do you need ? '' `` take over the singapore account . '' she sounded as shocked as she should be . this project was his baby . he 'd already put pints of blood and sweat into it , but he should be able to safely hand it over now . he loosened his tie and shrugged out of his jacket . `` buying up this loan is a big responsibility , but you can handle it . `` why are we incurring the debt ? '' and i need you to keep any discoveries from jefferson . '' he knew his sister well enough to know the silence meant she was running through all the possible reasons he 'd make such an odd request . `` it 's going to be hard to sign contracts without an attorney present . he wanted to evaluate the kincaid-jefferson connection before he went further . chances were jefferson had simply sold the apartment to a specific quality of buyer as he 'd been instructed . but lucas did n't want his attorney in on any more confidential dealings until he was sure there had n't been any greased palms involved . kincaid had been as crooked as hell and so were many of the people he 'd associated with . `` i 'd prefer to use another attorney on this one . i 'll have someone on board before you fly out to meet with the executive committee . '' `` it is n't like you to pull a last-minute switcheroo . he debated refusing to answer , but sandi deserved the facts . `` jefferson sold everett kincaid the dallas penthouse . '' seconds ticked past then she groaned . are n't you supposed to be in dallas ? please tell me you 're not going to get tangled up with the kincaids again . '' no one knew his ultimate goal was to take down kcl and no one needed to . `` i 'll have the pertinent files couriered to you tomorrow . '' `` did n't everett kincaid die a couple of months ago ? that means ... lucas , tell me you are n't dealing with that selfish little bitch again . '' for the past eleven years they 'd all believed nadia a selfish bitch . he 'd have to tell his family the whole story , but not before he verified a few facts . `` if you want this promotion , do your job and keep your nose out of my business . '' `` i do n't like this , lucas . `` i do n't pay you to like it . '' her ticked-off sniff traveled across the airwaves . `` do you want me to check into jefferson 's dealings ? '' `` i 'll have terri investigate . if there 's a devious , dishonest man around , she knows how to find him . '' at twenty-four his younger sister had already married and divorced three of the lying snakes before wising up and turning her loser-seeking talents into a lucrative private detective agency , which lucas had initially funded . he also employed his sister 's firm to run background checks on every employee andvari considered hiring . could she have missed something on jefferson ? `` just tell me the plan so i can prepare for cleanup detail . '' `` there wo n't be any cleanup . but if you must know , i 'm going to get back everything everett kincaid took from me . starting with my ex-wife . '' every part of the past eleven years had been a lie , nadia concluded . her grief ? for naught . her father 's sympathy ? his concern for her well-being ? had everything he 'd said and done since the accident been a bald-faced lie ? worse , she had believed in his sincerity , which made her a stupid , gullible fool . there must have been clues to his underhanded , twisted machinations . and who else was in on the deception ? had her brothers known lucas was alive and profiting from her pain ? had her shrink ? she slammed the metal rectangular pan onto the granite countertop . the loud twang vibrated her eardrums . she braced her hands on the cool surface and bowed her head . how many people had been secretly snickering at her behind her back all these years ? she might be hampered by her location , and her lack of funds , but she would identify each of the judases before this year in exile ended . she could n't return to miami without knowing who she could trust and who she could n't . the doorbell peeled .	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she 'd pretended to be in trouble , calling him for help . her frightened voice , the pounding on her motel room door , the way she disconnected the call . it had all been a carefully devised lie to trick zach into coming for her . and it had worked like a charm . he ran his hands along her arms as if checking for injury , or maybe trying to convince himself she was fine . she did n't know what to make of it , and it left her reeling in confusion . `` were you attacked ? lexi knew he 'd have questions , and she had practiced her lie over and over , but with his hands running over her , so warm and caring , she could hardly remember the line . i was in a cheap motel room . it was just some drunk guy looking for his cheating girlfriend . i should n't have called and bothered you , but i was scared . '' zach 's eyes closed in relief for a brief moment , and she saw his mouth move as if offering a silent prayer of thanks . `` excuse me , '' said gus . `` i hate to interrupt your little reunion , but this floor is n't going to mop itself . '' `` sorry , sir , '' said zach . `` but lexi's-alex's-days of mopping are over . gus 's eyes narrowed in suspicion . `` you leaving with this guy ? '' best to just get it over with and get out of here before anyone else could get hurt . the longer she put off the inevitable , the worse it would be . `` yeah , gus . i 'm going with him . '' `` you 've been running from something , '' said gus . `` is he it ? '' zach still had n't let go of her . his hand was splayed across her lower back , holding her close to his warmth . he looked down at her , and his leopard green eyes practically glowed with anticipation . `` time to go , honey . '' he always called her that , like he cared about her . like he was n't planning on brainwashing her and killing her for her blood . then again , lexi figured turnabout was fair play . her trunk was packed with explosives , thanks to the defenders ' plan . once zach took her back to the compound where he lived , and she got helen out , she was going to detonate all that c-4 and kill every one of the sentinels she could . including zach . chapter 2 lexi was safe . zach could hardly believe it , even though she stood right there in front of him , so beautiful it made his eyes sting . he 'd nearly collapsed with relief when he 'd cleared the bar 's entrance and seen her safe and sound . the doorframe kept him from falling , and he stayed there for a full minute , just watching her move , soaking in the sight of her whole and safe . whatever trouble she was in , whatever he 'd heard over the phone last week had n't hurt her . he 'd found her in time . it took zach another minute to steady his breathing and get enough control over his emotions to even think about approaching her . he could n't screw this up . he could n't scare her away . when he was sure he would n't hurt her with his desperation to get her in his arms , he finally allowed himself to go to her . and now here she was , pressed up against him , right where she belonged . he stroked her arms , trying to rub away the chill that roughened her skin . he was n't sure whether the goose bumps were from cold or fear , but either way , he was going to take care of it for her . whatever she wanted , whatever she needed , anything in his power to give would be hers . she felt good under his hands . his fingers closed around her slim arms and he had to remind himself to be careful . do n't scare her away again . zach had planned for this moment for weeks-every day since he 'd met her on june 27 , a day he 'd always celebrate as the beginning of his salvation . he 'd gone over their reunion again and again-a million different permutations filling up his brain until it was clogged with possibilities . in every single one , she 'd stayed by his side because that was what he wanted . based on the way she held herself stiff in his arms , apparently reality was n't going to be quite so easy . the bloodmarker he 'd left on her had n't worked right and he could n't find her . even though it was supposed to be impossible , she 'd managed to find a way to hide from him . it could happen again if he was n't careful . zach planned on being really careful . `` i brought you something , '' he told her . he dug in his back pocket and pulled out a small velvet pouch . it took some doing to open the thing one- handed , but he was n't about to let go of her with his other hand .	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micha holds onto me forcefully , the tips of his fingers touching my bare skin . `` i told you this before we came over here . '' my lungs restrict oxygen . `` i thought when you said it ... well , i do n't know what i thought , but not this . '' i wave my hand at the door without looking at it . `` not a nurse . not a few months left . '' his hands move around to my back and he enfolds me against his chest . i rest my head against him , breathing in his comforting scent . i start to ask him what happened that night , but my fear of the truth shushes me . what if it pushes me over the edge ? `` you name it and it 's done . '' i pull away , blinking back the tears . my gaze travels to lila sitting in the car , reapplying her lip gloss in the rearview mirror . `` i have to take her to the shop and get her on the road . '' against my protest , micha cups the back of my head , and lures me against him . `` you could just ditch her . '' `` since when are you mean to girls ? '' `` since they keep complaining about the sheer drabness of the town , '' he says in a mocking cheerleader voice . `` and the bugs . ten minutes out here with her and i want to lead her into the crack house over there and run . '' `` that 's not a crack house and you know it . '' i shake my head , forcing back a grin . `` and i know you better than that . i 'm sure you want to get in her pants . '' he pauses , and then slowly his hand explores my back and sneaks to my ass . he grabs it , and bows my body into his , firing a heat deep inside my core and fumbling a moan from my lips . for a second , i forget where i am . `` the only thing i want to get in is you , '' he murmurs in my hair . i regain control and shove back . you 're going to start this ? here of all places . '' he swings a hand at the trailer . because of grady ? he 'd be happy to finally see us together . he 's been saying for years that you and i will end up together . '' in three long strides , he 's in my face , nearly stepping on my toes . `` you think that just because you left , it would change how i feel ? i 'm still in - `` `` do n't say it . '' `` do n't you dare , micha scott . '' he holds up his hands , wide-eyed and derisive . `` oh , now i 'm in trouble . you used my last name and everything . '' i glance at the car , checking if lila 's eavesdropping , then whirl back and hiss , `` you are in trouble . i 've been back for less than a day and everything i 've worked on concealing is falling apart because of you . '' his aqua eyes are a fierce blue . you 're fucking crazy if you think that you can run off and change your identity . this unfeeling , preppy girl thing you got going on , '' he motions his hand at my tank top , white frilly skirt , and curly hair , `` is nothing but bull shit . you ca n't just change who you are on the outside and expect it to change who you are on the inside . '' anger bubbles through me and i shove him . his boots scuff the dirt as he catches his balance and smiles haughtily . because right now that fire i love so much is burning pretty bright . '' he reaches for my cheek , to touch me - entice me . `` micha , this is who i have to be otherwise i ca n't breathe . please just leave it alone . that damn fire might exist , but i want it gone . '' i spin my back to him , praying he 'll listen to me for once , because if he keeps it up , sooner or later i wo n't be able to resist . micha the pain in her eyes nearly kills me . if it were possible , i 'd go back in time and stop her from climbing down that tree that god awful night . maybe then , i 'd still have my best friend . i decide to make a sporadic stop to try and get ella out of her own head . i park the car in an open space in front of the small coffeehouse located in the heart of town , between the stop n ' shop and bubba 's sports barn . i shut off the engine and wait patiently for her to scold me . her face reddens as she takes in where we are . `` micha , i 'm really not in the mood for this right now . i have things to do and so does lila . '' `` come on , you have n't seen me play in ages , '' i coax , using my best seductive voice .	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they still burned with mortification , and she could still hear the men 's laughter ringing in her ears as she 'd all but fled into the keep . he 'd humiliated her . not just with words but by actions . he 'd proven her inept and she 'd committed the sin of allowing herself to become distracted . she could hold her own with a sword , and yet from the moment she 'd become aware of his presence , all sense had flown right out of her mind . she 'd become nothing more than a bumbling fool playing at being a man . her disgust knew no bounds . she frowned and sunk so low in the tub that only her nose and eyes stuck out of the water . a moment later , the door opened and maddie stuck her head in . `` ah , there you are , lass . caelen thought you might be needing help . he wants you below stairs to break your fast in half an hour 's time . '' rionna muttered . `` let me help wash your hair . 'twill take some doing to get it all dry in such a short time . you have such long , thick hair . 't is as beautiful as a sunset over the loch . '' the woman 's praise bolstered rionna 's flagging spirits . keeley was beautiful . rionna ... well , part of it was her fault . she could have practiced being more feminine when she was younger . now her body had lost some of her youthful softness and she had muscles that no lady should ever have . her arms were firm . her waist slender . her legs were hard with muscle , and no flab gathered at her hips . in fact she was quite narrow . the only womanly place on her was her brsts , and she despaired of them . they simply did n't match the rest of her . which is why she kept them bound . they simply got in her way and they were a great distraction . there were occasions when her father insisted she dress as a woman , the few times the mcdonalds hosted honored guests . her mother 's gowns had been altered , but the bodice had still been too tight . her brsts had strained the limits of the bodice , and the result was men making twits of themselves as they stared lasciviously at her clvage . men were ridiculous . show them a breast and they became slobbering fools . and one man was a fool above all others and 't was him she feared the most . as long as she remained boyish in figure , she did n't have to worry about drawing unwanted attention . `` well , lass ? are you going to sit there all day while the water grows cold or are you going to let me wash your hair so we can get you ready to go below stairs ? '' rionna shook herself from her thoughts and then nodded . maddie briskly fetched a wooden bucket from the window and then motioned for rionna to sit forward in the tub . as rionna sat up , maddie 's eyes widened . `` well now , where have you been hiding those ? '' rionna looked down and flushed as she became aware that maddie was staring at her exposed brsts . they bobbed in the water and rionna laid her arm across her chest to push them down . `` i 'm cursed , '' rionna muttered . `` oh , lordie , no you 're not cursed . lasses would kill to have a shape like that . does your husband know what he 's got ? '' rionna scowled . maddie let out a chuckle . oh my but is he in for a surprise . '' `` he wo n't be seeing them for a while if i have my way . '' maddie hooted again and then poured a bucket of water over rionna 's head . `` surely you are n't going to hide them forever . '' `` you think he 's not going to want a peek at your treasures when he beds you ? '' rionna frowned . `` how do you know ... '' maddie made a tsking sound . `` oh come now , lass . you were as drunk as an old warrior put out to pasture and there was no stain on your bed . unless you 're going to tell me you were n't a maiden . '' another flush crawled over rionna 's face . maddie was as forward as they came , and rionna was n't used to the counsel of other women . it made her distinctly uncomfortable . `` there 'll be plenty of time to warm your husband 's bed , '' maddie advised . `` until then you need to give him a taste of what he 's missing so far . the lad 's tongue will be hanging out his mouth if you show those br**sts to their best advantage . '' rionna shook her head. `` 't is not my husband 's reaction i 'm concerned with . '' `` think you caelen would allow another man to get near his wife ? come now , lass .	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but now that we have the evening to ourselves , bella clearly has other plans than spend it snuggling in front of the tv . i slowly step away from the door , trying not to make any additional noise as i go into the bathroom adjacent to our bedroom and quickly undress . she must have heard me blundering around the condo , but i can at least try to be stealthy now . for a moment i consider whacking off in the shower to take care of my hard-on , but the fact of the matter is that i am tired . ice cold shower it is then . five minutes later i 'm feeling vaguely human again after a vigorous rub-down with the soft new towels . i even consider just going all nak*d , but i know how much bella loves the leather pants , and i 'm doing this as much for her as for myself . so i quickly put them on , having to jump up and down a few times to make them sit well . the downside of being with a girl who can cook amazingly well - either i run another ten miles a week , or i start cutting back on the candy . or fast food . ca n't have that , so more running it will have to be . as i pad across the hallway and step up to the playroom door i try to come up with a plan . my gaze falls on the scented candles that are stored in the closet next to the bedroom . of course i ca n't use them for a scene , but some extra light is always good , and the heady scent of vanilla and sandalwood can create a good atmosphere . bella is being forward , and i feel i need to reward her for being so brave . might as well make sure it 's going to be a real night to remember for her , and not just because she stepped up to confront one of her more irrational fears . picking up two of the huge cube candles with the many wicks i take them with me as i enter the playroom . bella has n't moved , and while her head is still bent and her eyes cast down , i 'm sure she 's following my every move with eagerness . i place the candles left and right of her , outside of the square the other candles are set up in , and light them , brightening the room . the mirrored walls only add to the effect , and i take a moment to drink in her divine body . exercising regularly has done a lot to improve her slim but well proportioned build , as does the yoga for her balance . her thighs and belly are firm now , the muscles in her arms and legs slightly defined , and she can hold position a lot longer now than when we started . not that i ever minded a little softness , on the contrary , but i know that she needs the strength and stamina for what we do . also , going for a run together has become one of my favorite things to do with bella , including a nice , long shower afterwards , and the occasional blowjob behind a convenient tree . i 'm tempted to fuss around with something just to annoy her a little , but i do n't really feel like taking my time . i 'm just as eager as she must be , and i really want to get down to business . so i reach for the soft , white silk ropes , the only other thing i will be needing tonight , and return to where bella is kneeling on the floor . picking up the pillar candles i position them closer so that i can reach them without getting up again before i kneel down behind her . she does n't move when i reach around her and run my hand over her thigh from her knee up , squeezing gently . i kiss her shoulder , then suck hard on the soft spot at the side of her neck that i know drives her crazy , and she only shivers a little . good girl , knows it 's not her place to react until i show her that i want her to . sucking turns to licking , then i kiss her warm skin until i feel goose bumps marching down her leg . she still has n't moved , but i can tell that keeping still is killing her . `` good evening , my little vixen . how thoughtful of you to wait like this for your master , '' i purr into her ear , watching in the mirror as she catches her bottom lip between her teeth and bites down to stifle a low moan . `` do n't you want to wish me a good evening , too ? '' she raises her head and catches my gaze over the mirror , then turns her face to me so that our noses nearly brush . her eyes are wide and dark in the twilight of the room , lust and anticipation clouding them . her luscious lips remain slightly parted when she falls silent , and i take the invitation , brushing mine over them lightly before i grab her hair hard and pull her head back . she gasps , effectively opening her mouth , and i kiss her more roughly , plunging my tongue inside , taking , exploring .	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["plunging", 4474], ["tongue", 4484], ["tonguing", 4484], ["inside", 4491], ["explore", 4512], ["exploring", 4512]]
tangling my fingers up in his hair , i eagerly push my brsts to his chest and anxiously rub my pained nples against his diaphragm , my arms violently locking his head to me as he continues scenting me with deep , somehow desperate inhales . my body jolts with pleasure . he grabs my face within his callused hands and drags his tongue from my neck , along my jaw , breathing roughly as he heads for my mouth . he licks the seam of my lips . dampening me . priming me . his tongue probes at the seam , then he adds his lips and uses them to open me . he nibbles my lower lip to tease it apart from the top . a soft whimper feathers out of me and he muffles the sound when he dives in to taste me , wet and hot and hungry . my response is fast and wild , and our tongues collide in a heated frenzy of wetness and moans . my body melts into his hard one until his strong arm , coiled around my small waist , is all that holds me upright . i do n't know if i 'm bad for him , or him for me . all i know is that this is as inevitable as an incoming tsunami , and i 'm just bracing for the swim of my life . we taste and suckle each other , and i 'm so thirsty he could feed me his kiss all night and i 'd still be dying in the desert . he grips my hair tighter in one fist and keeps me in place as though he fears i 'll pull away from his delicious mouth , and i 'm so afraid this is a dream that my fingers tighten reflexively in his wet hair because if there 's a fire in this hotel , if an army of crazy fans comes storming inside , or if scorpion himself comes into this bedroom , i am still not letting remington tate take his mouth off me . the wet heat of his mouth unravels me , makes me so high , i moan and suck lightly on his thick tongue , loving how remington groans with me and pushes it deeper , giving me more . he grows restless . among the slick kissing sounds echoing in the room , his drawstring pants rustle as he shoves them down his legs , his arm muscles bulging as they clench against me . the linen fabric pools at our feet , and then he rams his thumbs into the front opening of my bra and yanks at opposite sides until it jerks loose . my brsts bounce free and my bra hits the floor . i 've never felt so full until he cups the swells in one big hand and has to lift it higher to suck . he laves my nples with his tongue , first one , and then the other , and he engulfs both gentle curves with his hands and scrapes his calluses against my straining n*ples . i moan gratefully when he sticks his tongue back in my mouth because i 'm just so hungry i ca n't stop shuddering . the slick kissing sounds echo around us once more . he squeezes one breast and shoves a hand between my legs , cupping me under my panties . he rubs me with the heel of his palm , and then rubs his longest finger along the moist folds of my entrance . tremors of anticipation ripple in my womb . he tears his mouth free , sets his forehead on mine , and watches as his hand moves sinuously under my white cotton panty . we 're so breathless i do n't expect his voice , guttural and rough as it explodes on my face , his forehead still resting on mine as he watches his hand caress my wetness . `` tell me this is for me . '' my arms clench around his strong neck as he teases the very tip of his finger inside , and a mind-blowing pleasure bolts through me . gasping , i kiss hard temple , his jaw . a sound of protest leaves me when he withdraws his hand , then he grabs the edges of my panties , and tears them off in a single breath . excitement runs through me . he grabs me by the waist and flips us around , slamming me back against the wall . my legs fly around him as he cups my ass in his hands , and the next second i feel him-there , at my entry . his hardness meets all the exterior part of my slick wetness , and he grabs my wrists and pins my arms up above my head , locking them in one hand . he asks gruffly , as his hand returns between my thighs and briefly enters me . his expression is tense , ravenous , so hot as he scrapes his finger deep into my channel . my need clogs my windpipe as pleasure shoots down my legs . his hand trembles with restraint as he withdraws it and , once again , he settles his erection between my legs . he does n't enter , but he allows me to feel what he will give me . our gazes cling desperately as we rub . we rock our hps together . we pant . we want . and i ca n't take my eyes off him . he 's even more beautiful than when he fights and is cocky and angry .	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it was beautiful , and sakura couldnt think of any other dress that fit mary that perfectly . she , however , couldnt say the same of her own bridesmaids gown . yes , the color was a beautiful pastel pink , and the silk material was so soft and smooth it was literally caressing her skin . the problem , however , was that the a-line silhouette gown didnt fit her . it was far too big on her person . sakura , did you lose weight ? katherine asked , watching sakura holding on to the material of the dress that was threatening to fall off her any moment now . i dont think so , she replied , gathering the material of the skirt and turning herself around to look at the full-length mirror . when she saw herself , she wanted to shriek in dismay . she looked like a little girl wearing her mothers dress . are you sure you gave the designer the right measurement ? mary asked , suspicious . im pretty sure , sakura said . or maybe i did lose weight , she admitted . the wedding is only a week away . beth knows how to sew , doesnt she ? she came over to sakura and pinched out the material in her hand so the dress sculpted perfectly about sakuras slender body , showing off her hourglass shape . just a bit on the sides and youll be fine . sakura nodded , understanding what her friend meant . youll look great . no worries , mary said . now then , shall we find our lovely beth and see what magic she can do ? you better take off your wedding dress before we go down . approximately fifteen minutes later and in her own bedroom , sakura found herself being inspected by beths critical eyes . mary and katherine , on the other hand , left once again after informing her they had to help brenda prepare dinner since sakura had stolen beth away from the kitchen . sakura chuckled and said loudly before they closed the door , not my fault . yours , mary , yours ! stop talking , missy , beth muttered under her breath . and stay still . sakura hid a smile as beth pinched the silk material out from the side of her waist . you never eat right . what with you missing lunch here and there . now youve lost weight and whos to blame but yourself ? i didnt think id missed that many lunches , sakura murmured . beth stood straight , her plump face sour . its all that neds fault . if he hadnt taught you how to draw and paint , then you wouldnt have become so obsessed and spent hours on them . i like my paintings , beth , sakura said . beth scoffed . dont you dare contradict me , missy . now , my dear girl , youve got to fatten up . otherwise , what mans going to ask you to marry him ? mark is a good man , she continued . he doesnt mind that youre a bit on the thin side . he hasnt proposed yet , has he ? what makes you think hed propose ? beth looked up to her . you two are dating , arent you ? beth cocked her head to one side . you dont actually like mark like that , do you ? beth , youre the first person whos said that . so its the brothers , then ? sakura blinked , wondering where beth was going now . beth teased . theyre all mighty handsome and still single . now then , tell me your pick . beth , i think youre actually going senile . beth was offended . i may be old , but im not senile , my girl . conrad seems to be taking a liking to you , but then again , hes too young . now sebastian , that man is to die for . if you have your eyes on him , better make it quick before hes snaffled away . yes , hell make you an excellent husband . a perfect husband , no doubt , who would love you and cherish you until the day youre gone from this earth . stop contradicting me , my girl . now darcy , theres my man . dark and mysteriously handsome . he doesnt show much emotion , but we know hes very sensitive and sincere . once he loves you , my girl , hed never let you go nor will he ever lay his eyes on another woman . now thats what i like about a man . and yes , he will love you and cherish you to bits . sakura shook her head . she wanted to tell beth there was no way she was going to fall in love with any of the brothers . first off , they were supposed to be siblings , albeit not blood related . secondly , she knew they didnt like her , let alone love her . deep down inside , however , she was beginning to have doubts . why had they been so nice to her since their return ? she was sure if they had to endure one anothers presence , then a word here and there would suffice . then there was also the fact that her emotions were beginning to play havoc with her lately .	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alright , i know where the church is but where will i find these green boys and why are they green ? miss bess laughed so hard she slapped her leg with one hand and covered her mouth with the other , probably to hide her missing thirsty teeth . awe , you city gals aint too quick are you ? greens their name , doc greens boys , teddy and fletcher , but stay clear of the young smarty-assed one , quint . that boy is a wolf in sheeps clothes , and you can quote me on that . go on down the block to that red brick building on the corner , thats where they live . their workshops downstairs and bedrooms up . go scratch on the door and wait , one of em is bound to be around on a rainy day like this . what if the brother who cant talk is the only one there , will he hear me knock on the door ? will i have to write everything down so he can understand ? rae asked as she finally located her umbrella in the bottom of her purse . so you already met the pretty brother , huh ? oh dont look so surprised , that fletcher green is the kind of man that makes a womans blood heat up , even an old fossil like me . yes , he can hear just fine and he could talk if he took a notion to , they say . nothing wrong with him , he just quit talking when he was a boy , after the accident that messed up that family . well , thats not for me to gossip about , if you get the marys house and hire him and his brother teddy , maybe things will come to light , but then again , maybe not . as rae walked outside the wind caught her burberry umbrella and turned it inside out and she heard miss lamar cackle for all she was worth . careful now , its a witching wind ! bess called out and rae could hear her laughing halfway down the block . the story was that the marys had disappeared ten years before . a limousine pulled up to the fanciful victorian house one day and loaded the women and their luggage and a cage of assorted birds . they were a set of four sisters , just the same as all the generations of marys before them . they stopped in town just long enough for the eldest sister , mary march , to roll down the car window and ask the reverend bertram to run get her a cold bottle of cream soda , then she gave him the deed to the house and instructions for selling it . they were off to give her a viking funeral , she said , she was one hundred and six years old and she was done with herb gardening and ready for bigger things . she and her sisters had been born in the mountains but now they wanted the sea . thats where they were headed , somewhere hot where no one would care if hundred year old women lounged naked on the sand . shed arranged for the property taxes to be deferred until the next mary came to claim the house and she trusted that the good reverend would know her when she appeared . she can catch up the taxes and the place is hers , mary march said simply , the house , the garden and all that goes with it . her sisters , mary bless , mary scott and mary sue , nodded their heads in agreement , then turned their faces forward as if their eyes were already focused on the sandy paradise ahead . they had driven away with dust rising off the road behind the car and when it settled , they were no more than a memory . * reagan was speechless at the stark beauty of the goodfellows gospel church when she stepped inside the small sanctuary . the wooden exterior of the building was tall and narrow with plain wood siding painted white and a simple cross rising from the steeple . inside , tall four-paned windows lined the side walls . every surface , benches , walls , floors , ceiling and pulpit were crafted from native longleaf pine that was polished and glowing . on the far end wall behind the pulpit a stained glass window rose nearly to the roof and depicted jesus holding a lamb in his arms , it made reagan smile and tugged at her heart . other than touring the grand cathedrals of europe she hadnt been inside a single house of worship since shed lived in los angeles . she and her mother had attended the first baptist church every sunday morning and wednesday nights when she was growing up in texas and the familiar image of the savior brought sweet tears to her eyes . she had come to the church every day over the last week , only to find the doors locked and a hand written note taped there saying the reverend was feeling poorly and would return sooner or later . the office was at the back of the church and reagan entered just as the doddering old preacher was leaving for the day . the reverend northram bertram sighed and motioned for her to have a seat , then he sat wearily behind his desk with his lips twisting and twitching as he sized her up . the marys house , you say ?	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`` do what i tell you , you wo n't need it . she needs to come after you when she thinks you 're weak . that 's at night . we send you out on your own to someplace , she follows you , tries to make her move and then ... '' he looked grimly around the group . `` then you let me take care of it . '' i felt a chill at the coldness in his voice . `` what do you mean , take care of it ? '' `` that 's my concern . your job is getting her to me . '' cain stayed quiet , and stacy said , `` you 're going to kill her . '' cain turned his icy look on stacy and she held it for a moment , then looked at me . `` yeah , he 's definitely going to kill her . '' `` you ca n't , '' i said automatically . cain looked at me , annoyed . `` she 'd break your neck without a second thought if it 'd get her what she wanted . what are you protecting her for ? '' `` i 'm not protecting her . but i 'm not a killer , either . '' `` you do n't have to be , '' he said . `` this is my thing , and i 'm gon na get her with or without you . be easier with you , but either way , that woman is getting put down . '' the hardness in his eyes scared me . cain had never been exactly fluffy , but all the rage simmering underneath was coming to the surface now , and i felt like things were getting quickly out of control . `` is it just me who thinks talking about killing people is insane ? '' betty took in a deep breath and shook her head carefully . `` i say the bitch started it , but then , i wan na kill someone at least twice a day , so ... '' betty looked at cain . `` i know holly was important to you , and i 'm sorry about what happened , but is n't there a way to protect liv without killing anyone ? '' cain 's cold eyes met hers . `` if she could steal holly 's magic , maybe we can just ... steal it back . then she 'd be relatively harmless . '' `` she 'd still be a conjurer , and a damn powerful one at that , '' cain said . `` soon as she healed up , she 'd be back for you . you wan na spend the rest of your life with her on your tail ? '' `` no , but - `` cain slammed his hand down on the coffee table , sending a sharp report throughout the room . `` she killed holly ! '' his voice was full of rage and heartbreak , and while he pulled the emotion back in quickly , it was clear what his dog in this fight was , and it had nothing to do with protecting me . the room went quiet , and i had no idea what to say , but tobias did . `` have you ever killed anyone , cain ? '' `` no , '' cain said , a sharp bite in his tone as he turned angry eyes on tobias . `` yes , '' tobias said , and the room went silent . i felt the breath cut out of me as i watched tobias , but his eyes were fixed on cain , who stared back at him . `` you do n't come back from it , '' tobias said . `` circumstances change , and sometimes , killing someone is even justified , but once you 've taken a life , it changes who you are . it does n't matter why you did it ; you 'll never be the same person again . '' tobias walked over to cain , stopping next to him by the fireplace . betty , stacy , and i stayed quiet , just watching . `` look , if the only way to protect liv is to kill davina , i 'll do it . i do n't have as much to lose as you do . but i 'll only do it if there 's no other way . '' `` tobias , '' i began , but he was focused on cain , whose eyes were in turn locked on tobias . there was some kind of manly communication going on between them , and neither one was paying attention to me , or anything else , at the moment . `` you kill that woman out of vengeance , '' tobias went on , `` and you 'll stop being the guy that holly knew . '' `` what the hell do you know about holly ? '' cain said through his teeth , his voice a low , angry growl . `` nothing , '' tobias said . `` i know you loved her , that 's obvious . and i know , better than you , the price you pay when you kill someone . that 's all i 'm saying , cain . you pay a price , and it 's a steep one . '' cain 's eyes narrowed and he glared at tobias . and then he stalked out the front door .	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lewis , you mentioned scott taylor . theres been a lot of speculation in the press that hes being groomed to take over from jim murdoch as your new coach . the press ! ill let them speculate a bit more i think . its what theyre good at . and what about all the other speculation , lewis - was it the perfect day ? he beamed another smile the lads happiness personified . no , not quite - ill have to keep trying for that one . but in six months time , when hopefully im facing tommy again in the final at wimbledon ... if hes still there in the box watching me - then i think that will be as close as ill ever get thank you . chapter 60 lewis finally got back to the house after midnight , in the company of jim who had stayed with him throughout all the media frenzy . once they had battled their way past the photographers who had assembled outside the driveway , they made the safety of the door and found everyone inside , the champagne already flowing . a toast then ! jim said , once a flute for him and lewis had been poured . to the new australian open champion ! to lewis ! echoed the group . and thanks again for helping me do it . this wouldnt have happened without you all . he took his first sip , relishing the explosion of gas in his mouth and the familiar relaxation that hit his body as the alcohol entered his blood and was rushed to a demanding brain . the prodigal friend had returned , and was welcomed in silence . no words were needed to convey the joy of that reunion . lewis was sorely tempted to down the lot - the first of many before oblivion took over . surely tonight was a night to wallow in cups and forsake the chalice , just for one day . tempted indeed , but one sip was all he took . fiona played hostess and brought out some food . she had optimistically stocked the fridge in the hope that it would be needed . they all settled down to glory in the match and pay tribute to the victor . jim recounted it , shot by shot , whilst in the periphery , allies whispered on other subjects . the champagne flowed , but not too freely , and no one fretted as lewis slowly drained his glass and asked for a second . the lad was in control and he deserved a few . another thirty minutes passed before that was finished . as he placed the empty flute in front of him , lewis looked over to jim and rhetorically quizzed , as he knew fine well the answer , is there such a thing as a dram in the house , jim ? ill only be having the one . aye , lewis . i can get you a dram . ill bring the bottle through . jim went into his room where the whisky was hidden , returning apprehensively a few moments later . the bottle was offered around , but only jim along with lewis was up for it . a double was poured out for each of them , and one handed to lewis . two glasses for me , jim , if you dont mind . the room hushed as jim looked at the lad nervously , predictions of a ruined night abounding . only fiona could guess immediately what was happening . its fine , jim ! she assured her husband . just give lewis the second glass . its a whisky thats needed now , not champagne . jim handed lewis the glass that he had poured for himself , he no longer had any taste for it . it was accepted with thanks then lewis stood up and walked over to the patio doors . he turned round to the silent group before making his exit , and smiled at them reassuringly . just carry on without me for a bit . dont worry - im not going to get pissed . i just want a few minutes on my own . he went over to the table by the pool and placed the glasses on top of it . they remained untouched for several minutes whilst he gazed up at the southern cross . then from out of his pocket he removed the sealed envelope , opened it and freed his perfect man , as he had done just the once before , for only in triumph would he allow such a reward . the photograph was rested on one of the glasses ; the other was lifted and saluted with . slinte mhaith , lewis toasted . good health in gaelic one of the few phrases he still remembered . then a swig was taken of the fiery brew . a malt ! declared lewis having swilled and swallowed . i think im paying murdoch too much ! he ignored the photograph , because that was only an image . instead he looked to the sky for an answer - so different from the one he remembered gazing at as a boy , cradled in strong arms as he was told names of constellations . ten thousand miles he had travelled to see it , and soon it would be time to begin the journey home .	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her eyes slid closed on a moan as her body clenched around the welcome invasion . desperate , she writhed over his hand . her blood was thick as syrup and hot , making her sweat . olivia dropped her head to his chest and felt his nipple brush her cheek . she turned slightly and sucked it into her mouth , as he had done to her . his breath hitched in his throat , his body hardening beneath hers . reaching for his cock , she began stroking it again , hard and fast like he had shown her . she felt naughty and wanton , a wild woman in his arms . her hps rocked against his hand , pushing him deeper . `` no more , '' he growled . rolling her beneath him , sebastian spread her stocking-clad legs with his own . he paused , the hairs on his chest scraping across her aching nples . his fingers slipped out of her , and he spread the cream from them around her swollen opening . he moved higher , rubbing the slickness over her aching bud , making her squirm and beg beneath him . `` sebastian ... '' he buried his face in her neck . `` sebastian ... help me ... i burn ... '' `` yes , love , '' he encouraged , his fingers sliding faster . her back arched , her eyes flew open , she hung on the edge ... so close ... so close ... olivia cursed him when his hand left her sex and moved to her knee . `` patience , '' he murmured hoarsely . he pulled her legs to his waist , and the heavy heat of his erection prodded her dripping opening . his gaze locked with hers , his forehead beaded with sweat . he lowered his head and mumbled , `` sorry , my love , '' just before he thrust hard and deep within her . olivia bit back a cry , startled at the pain that obliterated her pleasure . she held still beneath him , tears filling her eyes and spilling over . sebastian 's tongue lapped up the wetness with the long , slow drags of a cat , soothing her even as he pressed inexorably inside . `` if i 'd gone slowly , '' he explained , `` the pain would have been worse . '' he cradled her head in his hands , his eyes soft and tender with regret . `` there is some good to this discomfort you feel . '' she could see his concern , felt it in the reverence of his touch . `` i am well and truly compromised . you shall have to marry me , or i will be ruined . '' unable to help it , olivia laughed , even though it hurt . `` lucky for you , my lord , that we are already wed. '' `` ah . '' he withdrew and then slid forward again , frowning when she winced . `` i am a lucky man . my reputation is saved . '' the pain began to lessen even as he finally buried his cck to the hilt . his ragged groan made her shiver . dropping his head to her breast , he suckled her . his big body strained and flexed as he started a rhythm and maintained it , pumping deep within her , his raven hair a curtain around them . his mouth was magic , his tongue swirling around the erect crest of her nipple . the steel of sebastian 's cck began to burn , a wondrous sensation that intensified with the erotic sounds he made . `` spread your legs , '' he begged , gasping with obvious pleasure when she opened , giving greater access to his thrusts . `` press your body against me . god , yes ... livia ... '' the fierce captain phoenix was clay in her hands . olivia arched upward , feeling his skin cling to hers with his sweat . she gripped his contracting buttocks , amazed at their feel , hard as stone . he swirled his hips , grinding into the source of her pleasure , and tingles spread outward , flushing her skin . he pressed into her again , repeating the movement , drenching her body in sensation . his hps thrust and circled in an endless cycle , over and over , sweeping her higher . his touch was oddly gentle , despite the pistoning haste of his movements . his tenderness swept into her heart , bringing tears to her eyes . olivia whimpered , lost in his possession . he felt so good , the friction so deep , the stretching exquisite . `` yes , love ... '' his voice , thick and slurred with pleasure , enflamed her . `` you feel ... so damn good ... '' he filled her with quick , hard strokes , no longer able to be gentle , and she did n't care . she wanted passion-his passion . deep inside , her womb began to clench , then spasm . arching her back on a scream , she shattered , her inner muscles clutching greedily at his invading shaft . sebastian pinned her hips , holding her in place for his thrusts , drawing out her pleasure until she thought she would die of it .	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and when i was tortured , she took that too . `` holy fuck , '' swanny breathed . nathan nodded even though he was n't sure swanny could see . `` that 's some freaky-ass shit , man . you did n't imagine it ? like as a coping mechanism ? '' nathan made a dry sound of amusement . `` i would have said absolutely yes except for the very real email that my brother received telling him exactly what i told shea to tell him . '' swanny went silent . for a long while he lay there motionless as if grappling with whether or not to believe nathan . `` i do n't know , '' nathan muttered . she would n't say much . she was too determined to shield me from pain and get me the hell out of there . she was afraid , though . i could feel her fear . i felt it tonight . '' nathan leaned back and pulled the sleeping bag around him as he settled down once more . just her name , and she begged me not to tell anyone about her . if i tell what i know , i could endanger her . i do n't know enough to find her . '' `` you do n't think i 'm batshit crazy ? '' in a weird way it makes total sense . i have no idea how it 's possible . maybe we 're both crazy . but i know what i felt . i know that whatever she did , she saved us both . instead of spending time worrying that i lost my marbles , i 'm just going to be damned grateful she did what she did . '' `` you certainly have a way with words , swanny . the hell of it is you make complete sense . '' `` i do that every once in a while . '' nathan laughed again , and some of the tension seeped from his bones , leaving him exhausted and barely able to remain awake . he relaxed and closed his eyes , but he was haunted by the music of her voice and memory of her warmth and gentle touch . i 'll find you , shea . somehow , someway , we 're going to meet again . even if it 's just in my mind . chapter 12 the tie was choking him and it already hung loose around his collar . he had n't been inside the high school gymnasium more than five minutes when his skin started to itch and his airway was constricted . outside , a gentle rain fell , preventing the commencement ceremonies from being held in the stadium . so nathan was trapped inside a stifling hot gym with several hundred other people . his mom tugged him toward the seats that sam and sophie had saved for the family . it was actually an entire section where the kellys had gathered along with `` extended '' family and friends . swanny was sitting this one out . that and the huge family celebration that would be held at nathan 's parents ' house afterward . he still was n't comfortable being around so many people . the scar on his face drew a lot of stares , some much bolder than others . on the way up the bleachers , nathan was treated to several hugs , exclamations , slaps on the back and welcoming smiles . hometown hero and all that shit . he felt like a huge fraud . getting captured by the enemy did n't make him a goddamn hero . he tugged at his tie some more until the knot rested well below the collar line and then he unbuttoned the top button . feeling like he could breathe again , he took the seat next to his mom and smiled acknowledgments at the rest of the family . he did n't miss their looks of surprise at his presence , since none of them had invited him . only rusty had . they 'd assumed he would n't come . joe was sitting toward the end , bouncing charlotte on his knee . when he saw nathan , he stood and handed the baby back to sophie and maneuvered his way down to sit by nathan . `` rusty wanted me to come , '' nathan returned . nathan nodded , not knowing what more to say . `` you look like shit , man . '' nathan frowned and turned to look at his twin . obviously joe did n't suffer the same affliction of not knowing what to say . `` when was the last time you slept ? you were looking good when swanny first got here . you were smiling and joking again . now you look like you have n't slept in a week and are about to freak out being closed in with all these people . '' he could n't deny either assertion . `` what 's going on with you , nathan ? i keep waiting for you to snap out of it . i get that what happened was bad . but you 're not getting better . in fact , i swear you look worse now than you did three months ago . '' though joe sounded frustrated , his words were tinged with worry . a worry that nathan saw reflected in his family 's eyes every time they looked his way .	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`` this is shana . '' `` shana . i ca n't tell you how wonderful it is to hear the sound of your voice . '' for the first time in her life , shana 's knees felt as if they were about to buckle . `` hello , brad , '' she said evenly , amazed at her ability to respond without emotion . the man had guts ; she 'd say that for him . it 's taken me weeks . '' she supposed she should be complimented that he 'd made the effort , but she was n't . `` i do n't mean to be rude , but there was a reason i kept my number unlisted . '' `` the least you can do is listen to what i have to say , '' he told her . `` everything 's been said . '' `` but shana- '' `` there 's nothing more to say , '' she insisted . `` at least give me your address . i ca n't believe you 're living in washington . did you get a transfer ? '' jazmine was watching her carefully , eyes wide and quizzical as if she was hoping to memorize each word so she could repeat it . `` i would prefer if you did n't phone me again . '' shana was prepared to cut him off , but he stopped her , obviously guessing her intentions . `` do n't hang up , '' he pleaded . `` please , shana , just hear me out . '' she 'd gone ramrod-straight , her resistance up . she did n't even find this difficult , although she had to admit she was mildly curious as to why he 'd sought her out . just promise me you 'll listen . '' she did n't want to encourage him with a response . he continued despite that . `` you told me you were leaving portland , but i did n't believe you . shana , i miss you . nothing is the same without you . you have no idea how awful it 's been for me . '' that was their problem in a nutshell . the entire relationship had revolved around brad moore and his needs . he missed her , he needed her . she was convenient , loyal and endlessly patient . she rolled her eyes and made a circular motion with her hand as though to hurry him along . jazmine planted her hand over her mouth to smother her giggles . he asked , finishing up a five-minute soliloquy about how much he missed all their special times . translation : all the `` special '' times when she 'd been there to see to his comfort . he recounted the little ways she 'd indulged him-the meals she 'd cooked according to his likes and dislikes , the movies she 'd watched because he 'd chosen them , the christmas shopping she 'd done for him ... not once did he say any of the things that might have changed her mind , including the fact that he loved her . so far , everything he 'd said reaffirmed her belief that she 'd made the right decision . it would always be about brad and what he needed from her and how important she was to his comfort . apparently sylvia was n't nearly as accommodating as shana . finally she could n't take it any longer . she asked and yawned rudely to signal her boredom . her question was followed by a short silence . `` you 've changed , shana . '' `` yes , '' she told him in a curt voice . `` i ca n't believe you do n't love me anymore . '' shana noticed he had n't even bothered to ask about the girl who 'd answered the phone . brad seemed shocked that she was n't ready to race back into his arms just because he 'd made an effort to find her . a short while ago , she 'd been grateful for each little crumb he 'd tossed her way . `` what 's happened to my sweet shana ? '' `` i woke up , '' she informed him , `` and i did n't respect the woman i 'd become . it was time to clean house . out with the old and in with the new . '' the line went silent as he absorbed this . `` you 're dating someone else , are n't you ? '' the temptation to let him believe that was strong , and she might have given in to it , if not for jazmine . with her niece listening to every word , shana felt honor-bound to tell the truth . `` it 's just like you to think that , but no , i 'm not seeing anyone else . '' she bit back the words to tell him she could if she wanted to . well , there was that single father who might 've been interested-and adam kennedy . his relief was instantaneous . `` you 'll always love me ... . '' `` no , '' she said firmly . for your sake and mine , please do n't call me again . 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after the personal sacrifices maureen was making for these riding lessons , one would hope karen would reveal the enthusiasm she had earlier . `` dad phoned on friday night , did n't he ? '' maureen 's fingers tightened around the steering wheel . `` yes , he phoned . '' `` did he want to talk to me ? '' maureen never thought she was capable of hating anyone as much as she did brian for the way he 'd hurt their daughter . `` i did n't think he did . '' karen 's head drooped down so far , her chin was tucked against her chest . `` so that 's what all this is about . '' maureen reached over and squeezed karen 's hand . `` come on , sweetheart , it 's you and me . it has been for a good long time . we 're doing all right , are n't we ? '' `` to be fair , i did n't give your father much of a chance to say . '' karen looked over to maureen . `` did you tell him if he wanted anything , he should talk to your attorney ? '' the kid knew her all too well . `` something along those lines , '' maureen admitted . `` i do n't have a clue what your father will or wo n't do . '' what maureen did know was that the less she had to do with brian , the better for everyone involved . just hearing his voice was like ripping open a freshly healed wound . but in her case the wound had n't healed . it had festered and the poison had acted like a malignancy , spreading into every part of her life . she was n't so blind not to know what was happening . yet she felt powerless to stop it . karen continued to study her , until maureen found her daughter 's eyes disconcerting . `` i 'm trying to see if your face changes . '' `` your voice does . whenever you talk about dad your voice gets deep and a little scratchy . '' maureen had n't noticed . karen centered her focus on her mother once more . `` say something about dad . '' `` say something about dad , '' maureen repeated . we were married right out of college and- '' `` not like that . talk about him the way you do now . '' maureen momentarily diverted her attention from the road . karen 's voice deepened as she said , `` the bastard i used to be married to always said '' -she paused- '' like that . '' `` i sound like that when i mention your father ? '' hearing karen echo the biting words she 'd repeated countless times was like a cold slap in the face . had she actually spoken those words in that tone of voice for karen to hear over and over again ? maureen 's stomach knotted with the thought of what had happened to her since the divorce . she 'd turned cold and angry . bitter and ugly . when brian had first asked for the divorce , maureen had n't shed a tear . it was as though she 'd been waiting for that moment almost from the first . brian had always been the restless sort , full of energy . there were places to go , people to meet . increasingly he spent more time away from home on a variety of different projects . she remembered the feelings of profound sadness after he 'd moved out , and a multitude of regrets . if only she 'd been a spotless housekeeper , a better cook , a more imaginative lover . if only she 'd been more understanding . if only she 'd listened more often . if only she 'd talked to him . if only ... if only ... if only . then one day she decided she was n't willing to accept the blame for their failed marriage any longer . she was n't the one who 'd violated the vows they 'd spoken before god and their families . she was n't the one who could n't hold down a decent job for longer than six months at a stretch . she was n't the one who 'd walked out on the family he 'd agreed to support . but then brian never had been much for financial responsibilities . overnight , it seemed , the love she felt for her college sweetheart and the only lover she 'd ever had turned to a fire-quenching hatred . after he 'd left , she 'd decided to make his life a living hell . the same hell he 'd given her all the years they were married . `` mom , '' karen asked her , `` are you all right ? '' `` i 'm fine , sweetheart . '' they pulled onto the dirt road that led to nichols 's riding stables . `` are you going to be in the barn with mr. nichols when i 'm finished with my lesson ? '' maureen needed to think . thom confused her , and she 'd already decided not to see him again , other than what was unavoidable . `` i 'll be the car , '' maureen told her .	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["like", 1214], ["rip", 1222], ["ripping", 1222], ["open", 1227], ["freshly", 1237], ["heal", 1244], ["healest", 1244], ["healed", 1244], ["wind", 1250], ["wound", 1250], ["wounding", 1250], ["case", 1268], ["fester", 1311], ["poison", 1326], ["poisoning", 1326], ["act", 1336], ["acted", 1336], ["malignancy", 1354], ["spread", 1366], ["spreading", 1366], ["every", 1377], ["part", 1382], ["parting", 1382], ["life", 1394], ["lifes", 1394], ["blind", 1417], ["blinded", 1417], ["happen", 1448], ["happening", 1448], ["yet", 1454], ["feel", 1463], ["felt", 1463], ["powerless", 1473], ["stop", 1481], ["continue", 1502], ["continued", 1502], ["study", 1511], ["find", 1537], ["found", 1537], ["eye", 1558], ["eyed", 1558], ["eyes", 1558], ["disconcert", 1572], ["disconcertest", 1572], ["disconcerting", 1572], ["try", 1589], ["tryed", 1589], ["trying", 1589], ["see", 1596], ["face", 1609], ["change", 1617], ["changes", 1617], ["whenever", 1652], ["get", 1687], ["gets", 1687], ["deep", 1692], ["deeply", 1692], ["little", 1705], ["scratchy", 1714], ["notice", 1743], ["noticed", 1743], ["center", 1760], ["centered", 1760], ["focus", 1770], ["mother", 1784], ["mothered", 1784], ["motherest", 1784], ["repeat", 1877], ["repeatest", 1877], ["repeated", 1877], ["marry", 1895], ["married", 1895], ["college", 1916], ["momentarily", 2002], ["divert", 2011], ["diverted", 2011], ["attention", 2025], ["road", 2039], ["deepen", 2065], ["deepened", 2065], ["say", 2077], ["sayest", 2077], ["said", 2077], ["bastard", 2094], ["use", 2101], ["used", 2101], ["always", 2125], ["sound", 2175], ["mention", 2200], ["echo", 2236], ["echoed", 2236], ["bite", 2247], ["biting", 2247], ["word", 2253], ["words", 2253], ["countless", 2279], ["time", 2285], ["times", 2285], ["cold", 2301], ["slap", 2306], ["slaps", 2306], ["slapped", 2306], ["speak", 2344], ["spoken", 2344], ["tone", 2369], ["toned", 2369], ["toning", 2369], ["hear", 2396], ["hears", 2396], ["stomach", 2437], ["stomachs", 2437], ["stomaching", 2437], ["knot", 2445], ["knotted", 2445], ["happen", 2483], ["happened", 2483], ["since", 2496], ["divorce", 2508], ["turn", 2524], ["turned", 2524], ["angry", 2539], ["bitter", 2548], ["bitterest", 2548], ["ugly", 2557], ["first", 2580], ["firstest", 2580], ["ask", 2586], ["asked", 2586], ["shed", 2625], ["tear", 2632], ["teared", 2632], ["though", 2651], ["wait", 2671], ["waitest", 2671], ["waiting", 2671], ["moment", 2687], ["almost", 2694], ["restless", 2746], ["sort", 2751], ["full", 2758], ["energy", 2768], ["place", 2788], ["places", 2788], ["go", 2794], ["goest", 2794], ["people", 2803], ["meet", 2811], ["meeted", 2811], ["increasingly", 2826], ["spend", 2835], ["spends", 2835], ["spendest", 2835], ["spent", 2835], ["away", 2850], ["home", 2860], ["homing", 2860], ["variety", 2873], ["different", 2886], ["project", 2895], ["projectest", 2895], ["projects", 2895], ["remember", 2912], ["rememberest", 2912], ["remembered", 2912], ["feeling", 2925], ["feelings", 2925], ["profound", 2937], ["profoundest", 2937], ["sadness", 2945], ["move", 2963], ["moved", 2963], ["multitude", 2985], ["regret", 2996], ["regrets", 2996], ["spotless", 3029], ["housekeeper", 3041], ["cook", 3057], ["imaginative", 3078], ["lover", 3084], ["understanding", 3125], ["listen", 3151], ["listens", 3151], ["listened", 3151], ["often", 3162], ["talk", 3186], ["talked", 3186], ["day", 3242], ["decide", 3254], ["decided", 3254], ["willing", 3274], ["accept", 3284], ["blame", 3294], ["blamest", 3294], ["fail", 3311], ["failed", 3311], ["marriage", 3320], ["long", 3331], ["longs", 3331], ["violate", 3369], ["violated", 3369], ["vow", 3378], ["vows", 3378], ["god", 3404], ["family", 3423], ["families", 3423], ["hold", 3464], ["decent", 3478], ["job", 3482], ["jobbing", 3482], ["six", 3502], ["month", 3509], ["months", 3509], ["stretch", 3522], ["walk", 3558], ["walked", 3558], ["family", 3576], ["agree", 3589], ["agreed", 3589], ["support", 3600], ["financial", 3651], ["responsibility", 3668], ["responsibilities", 3668], ["overnight", 3680], ["overnights", 3680], ["seem", 3692], ["seeming", 3692], ["seemed", 3692], ["love", 3703], ["ever", 3770], ["everest", 3770], ["fire", 3791], ["hatred", 3808], ["left", 3827], ["leave", 3827], ["live", 3870], ["living", 3870], ["hell", 3875], ["hells", 3875], ["give", 3903], ["given", 3903], ["year", 3921], ["years", 3921], ["mom", 3948], ["moms", 3948], ["fine", 4010], ["pull", 4040], ["pulled", 4040], ["onto", 4045], ["ontos", 4045], ["dirt", 4054], ["lead", 4068], ["leaded", 4068], ["led", 4068], ["stable", 4097], ["stables", 4097], ["go", 4116], ["goest", 4116], ["going", 4116], ["barn", 4134], ["mr", 4142], ["finish", 4170], ["finished", 4170], ["lesson", 4185], ["need", 4205], ["needest", 4205], ["needed", 4205], ["thom", 4221], ["confuse", 4230], ["confused", 4230], ["confusing", 4230], ["already", 4255], ["unavoidable", 4318], ["car", 4340], ["tell", 4358], ["told", 4358]]
seth had become the friend , lover , and yeah , the boyfriend of her dreams . their sex life was adventurous and earthshaking and , out of bed , she loved nothing better than spending time with him . they challenged each other on every level and even their downtime was exciting . tonight they were having dinner with her parents . that was another thing going right in her life . her relationship with her mother continued to grow and evolve and her father was desperately trying to adapt to his new wife . the woman he had initially fallen in love with was back in all of her glory , and mia was surprised to see her father scrambling for footing for the first time in her life . in the end though she thought that the change in their relationship would be what kept them together instead of eventually pulling them apart . the knock on her door had her quickly finishing her online purchase before shutting her computer down . she did n't want seth to see her surprise yet . she smoothed the skirt of the short , pink dress down and ran for the door as he knocked again . she threw it open and her heart kicked into high gear as it always did . god , she was in love with the man standing on the other side looking so damn handsome and sexy . maybe it was all moving too fast , but she was helpless to stop the flow . she was firmly in the seth jackson gravitational field and she had no desire to escape . he pulled her close and she melted against his firm lips . when her mouth had been thoroughly plundered , he said , `` hey , baby . she smiled in return , admitting , `` i missed you , too . '' she gave him another quick kiss before turning to grab her bag . he wiggled his brows saying , `` i 'd rather stay here and eat you for dinner . '' neither of them noticed mrs. cole standing in her doorway across the hall . she rolled her eyes before giving them an indulgent smile . and , since she knew everything that happened in the building before anyone else , it likely would not come as a surprise to her that before the evening was over , seth and mia would say `` i love you '' for the first time . one dr. bloom waited patiently for an answer . meghann dontess leaned back in her seat and studied her fingernails . it was time for a manicure . `` i try not to feel too much , harriet . i find it impedes my enjoyment of life . '' `` is that why you 've seen me every week for four years ? because you enjoy your life so much ? '' `` i would n't point that out if i were you . it does n't say much for your psychiatric skills . it 's entirely possible , you know , that i was perfectly normal when i met you and you 're actually making me crazy . '' `` you 're using humor as a shield again . '' harriet did n't smile . `` i rarely think you 're funny . '' `` there goes my dream of doing stand-up . '' `` let 's talk about the day you and claire were separated . '' meghann shifted uncomfortably in her seat . just when she needed a smart-ass response , her mind went blank . she knew what harriet was poking around for , and harriet knew she knew . if meghann did n't answer , the question would simply be asked again . a nice , clean word . i like it , but that subject is closed . '' `` it 's interesting that you maintain a relationship with your mother while distancing yourself from your sister . '' meghann shrugged . `` mama 's an actress . we 're comfortable with make-believe . '' `` have you ever read one of her interviews ? '' `` she tells everyone that we lived this poor , pathetic-but-loving existence . we pretend it 's the truth . '' `` you were living in bakersfield when the pathetic-but-loving pretense ended , right ? '' meghann remained silent . harriet had maneuvered her back to the painful subject like a rat through a maze . harriet went on , `` claire was nine years old . she was missing several teeth , if i remember correctly , and she was having difficulties with math . '' `` do n't , '' meghann curled her fingers around the chair 's sleek wooden arms . harriet stared at her . beneath the unruly black ledge of her eyebrows , her gaze was steady . small round glasses magnified her eyes . `` do n't back away , meg . `` any more progress and i 'll need an aid car . we should talk about my practice . that 's why i come to you , you know . it 's a pressure cooker down in family court these days . yesterday , i had a deadbeat dad drive up in a ferrari and then swear he was flat broke . the shithead . did n't want to pay for his daughter 's tuition . too bad for him i videotaped his arrival . ''	[["seth", 4], ["become", 15], ["friend", 26], ["lover", 34], ["yeah", 45], ["boyfriend", 61], ["dream", 75], ["dreamt", 75], ["dreamest", 75], ["dreams", 75], ["sex", 87], ["life", 92], ["lifes", 92], ["adventurous", 108], ["bed", 142], ["love", 154], ["loved", 154], ["nothing", 162], ["well", 169], ["wells", 169], ["spend", 183], ["spends", 183], ["spendest", 183], ["time", 188], ["challenge", 215], ["challenged", 215], ["every", 235], ["level", 241], ["even", 250], ["evens", 250], ["downtime", 265], ["exciting", 278], ["tonight", 288], ["dinner", 312], ["parent", 329], ["parents", 329], ["another", 348], ["thing", 354], ["go", 360], ["goest", 360], ["going", 360], ["right", 366], ["rightest", 366], ["relationship", 397], ["mother", 413], ["mothered", 413], ["motherest", 413], ["continue", 423], ["continued", 423], ["grow", 431], ["growest", 431], ["evolve", 442], ["father", 457], ["fathered", 457], ["fathering", 457], ["desperately", 473], ["try", 480], ["tryed", 480], ["trying", 480], ["adapt", 489], ["adapts", 489], ["new", 500], ["wife", 505], ["woman", 517], ["womans", 517], ["initially", 534], ["fall", 541], ["falls", 541], ["fallen", 541], ["love", 549], ["back", 563], ["glory", 583], ["gloried", 583], ["mia", 593], ["see", 614], ["scramble", 636], ["scrambling", 636], ["foot", 648], ["first", 662], ["firstest", 662], ["end", 692], ["ends", 692], ["endest", 692], ["though", 699], ["think", 711], ["thinkest", 711], ["thought", 711], ["change", 727], ["keep", 768], ["keepest", 768], ["kept", 768], ["together", 782], ["instead", 790], ["eventually", 804], ["pull", 812], ["pulling", 812], ["apart", 823], ["knock", 835], ["knocks", 835], ["knockest", 835], ["door", 847], ["quickly", 863], ["finish", 873], ["finishing", 873], ["online", 884], ["purchase", 893], ["shut", 909], ["shutting", 909], ["computer", 922], ["surprise", 971], ["surprised", 971], ["yet", 975], ["smooth", 990], ["smoothed", 990], ["skirt", 1000], ["short", 1013], ["pink", 1020], ["dress", 1026], ["dressest", 1026], ["run", 1039], ["ran", 1039], ["knock", 1066], ["knocks", 1066], ["knockest", 1066], ["knocked", 1066], ["throw", 1084], ["threw", 1084], ["open", 1092], ["heart", 1106], ["kick", 1113], ["kicked", 1113], ["high", 1123], ["gear", 1128], ["always", 1141], ["god", 1151], ["man", 1182], ["mans", 1182], ["manned", 1182], ["stood", 1191], ["stand", 1191], ["standest", 1191], ["standing", 1191], ["side", 1209], ["sidest", 1209], ["look", 1217], ["looking", 1217], ["damn", 1225], ["damned", 1225], ["handsome", 1234], ["handsomes", 1234], ["sexy", 1243], ["maybe", 1251], ["move", 1269], ["moving", 1269], ["fast", 1278], ["helpless", 1301], ["stop", 1309], ["flow", 1318], ["flows", 1318], ["firmly", 1335], ["jackson", 1355], ["gravitational", 1369], ["field", 1375], ["fielding", 1375], ["desire", 1397], ["escape", 1407], ["escapes", 1407], ["pull", 1419], ["pulled", 1419], ["close", 1429], ["melt", 1444], ["meltest", 1444], ["melted", 1444], ["firm", 1461], ["lip", 1466], ["lipped", 1466], ["lips", 1466], ["mouth", 1483], ["mouthed", 1483], ["thoroughly", 1503], ["plunder", 1513], ["plundered", 1513], ["say", 1523], ["sayest", 1523], ["said", 1523], ["hey", 1532], ["baby", 1539], ["smile", 1552], ["smiled", 1552], ["return", 1562], ["returnest", 1562], ["admit", 1574], ["admitting", 1574], ["miss", 1588], ["missed", 1588], ["give", 1612], ["gave", 1612], ["quick", 1630], ["kiss", 1635], ["kisses", 1635], ["kissest", 1635], ["turn", 1650], ["turning", 1650], ["grab", 1658], ["bag", 1666], ["bagged", 1666], ["bagging", 1666], ["wiggle", 1679], ["wiggled", 1679], ["brow", 1689], ["brows", 1689], ["say", 1696], ["sayest", 1696], ["saying", 1696], ["rather", 1713], ["stay", 1718], ["eat", 1731], ["neither", 1759], ["notice", 1775], ["noticed", 1775], ["mrs", 1779], ["cole", 1785], ["coles", 1785], ["doorway", 1809], ["across", 1816], ["hall", 1825], ["roll", 1838], ["rolled", 1838], ["eye", 1847], ["eyed", 1847], ["eyes", 1847], ["give", 1861], ["giving", 1861], ["indulgent", 1879], ["smile", 1885], ["since", 1899], ["know", 1908], ["knowest", 1908], ["knew", 1908], ["everything", 1919], ["happen", 1933], ["happened", 1933], ["build", 1949], ["building", 1949], ["anyone", 1963], ["else", 1968], ["come", 1995], ["evening", 2040], ["say", 2074], ["sayest", 2074], ["dr", 2119], ["drs", 2119], ["bloom", 2126], ["blooms", 2126], ["bloomed", 2126], ["blooming", 2126], ["wait", 2133], ["waitest", 2133], ["waited", 2133], ["patiently", 2143], ["answer", 2157], ["answeres", 2157], ["answerest", 2157], ["meghann", 2167], ["lean", 2182], ["leans", 2182], ["leaned", 2182], ["seat", 2199], ["study", 2211], ["studied", 2211], ["fingernail", 2227], ["fingernails", 2227], ["manicure", 2256], ["try", 2267], ["tryed", 2267], ["feel", 2279], ["much", 2288], ["harriet", 2298], ["find", 2307], ["impede", 2318], ["impedes", 2318], ["enjoyment", 2331], ["see", 2372], ["seen", 2372], ["week", 2386], ["four", 2395], ["year", 2401], ["years", 2401], ["enjoy", 2421], ["enjoyed", 2421], ["point", 2465], ["psychiatric", 2532], ["skill", 2539], ["skills", 2539], ["entirely", 2556], ["possible", 2565], ["know", 2576], ["knowest", 2576], ["perfectly", 2599], ["normal", 2606], ["meet", 2617], ["meeted", 2617], ["met", 2617], ["crazy", 2658], ["use", 2680], ["using", 2680], ["humor", 2686], ["humors", 2686], ["humorest", 2686], ["shield", 2698], ["shields", 2698], ["rarely", 2745], ["think", 2751], ["thinkest", 2751], ["funny", 2765], ["go", 2784], ["goest", 2784], ["goes", 2784], ["dream", 2793], ["dreamt", 2793], ["dreamest", 2793], ["stood", 2808], ["stand", 2808], ["standest", 2808], ["let", 2823], ["lets", 2823], ["talk", 2831], ["day", 2845], ["claire", 2860], ["separate", 2875], ["separated", 2875], ["shift", 2896], ["shifted", 2896], ["uncomfortably", 2910], ["need", 2945], ["needest", 2945], ["needed", 2945], ["smart", 2953], ["ass", 2957], ["response", 2966], ["mind", 2977], ["minding", 2977], ["go", 2982], ["goest", 2982], ["went", 2982], ["blank", 2988], ["blanks", 2988], ["poke", 3023], ["poking", 3023], ["around", 3030], ["question", 3105], ["simply", 3118], ["ask", 3127], ["asked", 3127], ["nice", 3142], ["clean", 3150], ["cleans", 3150], ["word", 3155], ["like", 3164], ["subject", 3186], ["subjectest", 3186], ["interesting", 3222], ["maintain", 3240], ["maintains", 3240], ["maintainest", 3240], ["distance", 3289], ["distancing", 3289], ["sister", 3315], ["shrug", 3337], ["shrugging", 3337], ["shrugged", 3337], ["mama", 3347], ["mamas", 3347], ["actress", 3361], ["comfortable", 3382], ["believe", 3400], ["ever", 3422], ["everest", 3422], ["read", 3427], ["reads", 3427], ["interview", 3449], ["interviews", 3449], ["tell", 3467], ["tells", 3467], ["everyone", 3476], ["live", 3490], ["lived", 3490], ["poor", 3500], ["pathetic", 3511], ["love", 3522], ["loving", 3522], ["existence", 3532], ["pretend", 3545], ["pretendest", 3545], ["truth", 3561], ["live", 3585], ["living", 3585], ["bakersfield", 3600], ["pretense", 3638], ["end", 3644], ["ends", 3644], ["endest", 3644], ["ended", 3644], ["remain", 3674], ["remained", 3674], ["silent", 3681], ["maneuver", 3706], ["maneuverest", 3706], ["maneuvered", 3706], ["painful", 3730], ["rat", 3749], ["ratted", 3749], ["maze", 3764], ["mazes", 3764], ["nine", 3803], ["old", 3813], ["miss", 3831], ["missing", 3831], ["several", 3839], ["tooth", 3845], ["teeth", 3845], ["remember", 3861], ["rememberest", 3861], ["correctly", 3871], ["difficulty", 3905], ["difficulties", 3905], ["math", 3915], ["maths", 3915], ["curl", 3950], ["curls", 3950], ["curled", 3950], ["finger", 3962], ["fingers", 3962], ["chair", 3979], ["chairing", 3979], ["sleek", 3988], ["wooden", 3995], ["arm", 4000], ["arms", 4000], ["stare", 4017], ["stared", 4017], ["beneath", 4034], ["unruly", 4045], ["black", 4051], ["ledge", 4057], ["eyebrow", 4073], ["eyebrows", 4073], ["gaze", 4084], ["gazes", 4084], ["steady", 4095], ["small", 4103], ["round", 4109], ["glass", 4117], ["glasses", 4117], ["magnify", 4127], ["magnified", 4127], ["magnifying", 4127], ["away", 4158], ["meg", 4164], ["megs", 4164], ["progress", 4187], ["need", 4202], ["needest", 4202], ["aid", 4209], ["aids", 4209], ["car", 4213], ["practice", 4248], ["pressure", 4306], ["pressured", 4306], ["cooker", 4313], ["family", 4328], ["court", 4334], ["courtest", 4334], ["courting", 4334], ["day", 4345], ["days", 4345], ["yesterday", 4357], ["yesterdays", 4357], ["deadbeat", 4376], ["deadbeats", 4376], ["dad", 4380], ["drive", 4386], ["ferrari", 4402], ["swear", 4417], ["sweared", 4417], ["flat", 4429], ["broked", 4435], ["broking", 4435], ["shithead", 4450], ["pay", 4472], ["pays", 4472], ["payest", 4472], ["daughter", 4489], ["tuition", 4500], ["bad", 4510], ["videotape", 4531], ["videotaped", 4531], ["arrival", 4543]]
`` i 've been working on it since i got home from the hospital . if you have n't noticed , i 've had some time on my hands . plus , your mom , lucy , and jules were more than willing to help . '' `` actually , i did n't really have a choice . '' `` hmmm , a little over-confident , are n't we ? she provoked . he caught on to her teasing . `` oh well , i had a backup plan for that . we were n't leaving until you said yes . i can be very convincing when i need to be . '' his smile made her melt . ava took his face in her hands and kissed him . she stopped when the sparkles coming from her left hand became overly distracting . she tilted her palm facing downward so she could take a peek at the ring again . a large princess cut diamond with a small row of tiny diamonds on each side shimmered back at her . `` matt , this ring is exactly what i would have picked out . she wiggled her fingers to see it shine from the light of the candles . `` you are just dying to show that off , are n't you ? '' `` you did n't show it to anybody ? '' ava thought for sure he would have showed it to someone in her family already . `` nope , i knew you would want the honor . i wo n't say it was easy . lucy did her best to break me , but i held on strong . '' he made a fist and flexed his arm . ava clapped her hands in delight . `` yay , can we go ? i ca n't wait to go celebrate with everyone . '' `` yes , but first we need to blow out all these candles . '' he looked around the sanctuary . `` we should get there in about an hour . '' she laughed at his joke but wondered how long it really would take . `` plus , i want to change out of this penguin suit for the festivities . a campfire 's universal dress code is far from a tux . '' ava saw his face show disbelief that he had slipped her some crucial information . `` ooh , we 're having a campfire ! '' she exclaimed in great enthusiasm . `` who all is going to be there ? '' ava thought now would be the best time to press for more information while he was aggravated with himself . `` listen , i had one slip , but i 'm back on top of my game . you 're not getting anything more out of me , babe . '' he crossed his arms and pressed his lips together , affirming his stance on the subject . he tried his best , but he could n't keep his grin covered . ava kissed his cheek and rested her head on his shoulder . she soaked in her last few moments of looking over the room and all the work he 'd put into making this her dream come true . matt interrupted while she committed the sight to memory . `` what do you say we go get this party started ? we have a lot to celebrate ... and this is just the beginning . '' he kissed the top of her head and stood . he turned and took both her hands into his and pulled her up . they stood on different steps which put their heights at eye level . ava took the opportunity that presented itself and threw her arms around his neck . he let out a huff of breath , not expecting her tight hold , but brought his arms around her waist with the same tightness . ava clung to him , silently thanking god for rescuing her heart and creating this incredible man that chose her to love . chapter 1 `` phineas is dead . '' the pronouncement hit adrian mitchell like a physical blow . gripping the handrail to counterbalance his shaken composure , he rounded a bend in the stairwell and looked at the seraph who ascended abreast of him . with the relaying of the news , jason taylor advanced into phineas 's former rank as adrian 's second-in-command . jason easily kept up with adrian 's inhuman pace as they approached the roof . it was called in as a vamp attack . '' `` no one noticed a vampire within striking distance ? i sent damien to investigate . '' they reached the last landing . the lycan guard in front of them pushed open the heavy metal door , and adrian slipped sunglasses over his eyes before stepping into the arizona sunshine . he watched the guard recoil from the ovenlike heat , then heard a complaining growl from the second lycan , who brought up the rear . as base creatures of instinct , they were susceptible to physical stimuli in ways the seraphim and vampires were not . adrian did n't feel the temperature at all ; the loss of phineas had chilled his blood . a helicopter waited on the pad in front of them , its whirring blades churning the oppressively dry and gritty air . its rounded side was emblazoned with both mitchell aeronautics and adrian 's winged logo .	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`` peter and beth were content to delay their meeting , so i had to put an end to that . '' she turned to mercy and smiled . `` i 've learned men are much more suggestible than women . '' `` i 've discovered the same thing , '' shirley said , joining them . `` that was n't all , though . stepping in front of peter when he arrived at beth 's so she saw your face instead of his was brilliant . '' `` tricky , too . '' mercy 's voice was admiring . goodness had to reveal herself to beth , yet remain hidden from peter . not an easy task and if gabriel ever found out , she 'd never hear the end of it . `` gabriel will be pleased when he learns beth and peter are together again . '' `` i think he will , too , '' goodness said . her mission had been completed . the candle joyce fischer had lit in the church flickered one last time and then went out . twenty that night , knowing rusty would have to go back to the animal shelter , carter settled the dog on his bed . placing both arms around him , carter spoke softly in his ear . `` you 're the best dog any kid could have , '' he whispered . as if he understood the words , rusty licked carter 's face . he seemed to be saying that carter was the best friend he 'd ever have , too . `` i 'd do anything to keep you . well ... almost anything . '' after his father had come home from work and explained that they 'd be taking rusty back to the shelter in the morning , carter had seriously considered running away . if his mom and dad were n't going to let him have rusty , then carter decided he no longer wanted to be part of this family . he 'd find another family , one that could afford a dog and kept promises . he had over thirty dollars saved from his allowance , which should be enough to get him to his grandparents ' house in wenatchee . he was sure that if they knew about rusty , grandma and grandpa parker would pay whatever it cost to keep him . but in the end , carter could n't do it . he could n't run away . he loved his mother and father and even his little sister , although she was a pest most of the time . `` i 'll go back to the shelter with you , '' carter assured his friend . in the morning he 'd ride down with his father . he was determined to speak to the lady who 'd taken rusty before . carter wanted to make sure his dog went to a good home . not just a regular home , either . carter had prayed for a dog and he 'd prayed hard . although he loved rusty , maybe-despite everything-this was n't the dog god meant for him . tears welled up in his eyes and he tried to hold back a sniffle . he did n't want his sister to hear him crying , so he buried his face in the dog 's fur . `` i want to keep rusty , too , '' bailey whispered from the other side of the room . carter pretended not to hear . `` i love rusty just as much as you do , '' she said , only louder this time . she sniffled once and then carter did , too . bailey did n't answer , and carter suspected she felt as sad as he did . even if rusty belonged to him , he was willing to share his dog with bailey . not every day ; just some of the time-once a week or so . except that rusty would n't be his to share . his friend would be with him for only a few more hours . the realization was crushing . `` go to sleep , '' he repeated and hugged rusty closer . `` this is a fine mess you 've gotten yourself into , '' mercy muttered , glaring at shirley . they were both inside the children 's bedroom . shirley sat on the foot of the bed , where rusty lay tightly curled up next to carter 's feet . shirley wore a look of innocence as she continued to pet the dog . mercy pointed an accusing finger at her fellow prayer ambassador . then she crossed her arms as she surveyed the sleeping children , lost in their dreams . shirley straightened defensively . mercy was n't fooled . `` you 're the one who stopped by the animal shelter and conveniently opened the cage and set rusty free . '' `` ah ... '' `` that was n't the only door you opened , either . '' mercy was on to her friend 's antics and she was n't going to let shirley squirm out of this one . `` well ... '' shirley shifted uncomfortably . as though aware of their presence , rusty lifted his head and looked around . `` it 's all right , boy , '' shirley whispered , reassuring the dog . rusty put his head down on his paws and closed his eyes once more .	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he should have been angry , but instead he felt a grudging respect for her . it was a damn good idea , and it had worked like a charm . after today , he could n't wait to take a few bucks from the professor and get the hell out of here . even clean sheets was n't worth this shit . his thumb felt like an oxcart had run over it , and his arm ached from shoulder to wrist . yeah , he was leaving , all right . but first he was gon na have a little fun with the schoolmarm . casually he got to his feet and walked toward her . she did n't move , did n't back away , but she wanted to . he could see it in the fearful flaring of her nostrils and the way she leaned slightly backward . he smelled her fear and it challenged him ; it was just like when he was in the ring . all of a sudden he felt less tired . `` what if i like it here ? '' `` i 'll ... pay you . '' he tilted his hat back and gave her a slow , pointed once-over . his gaze started at her pale , severe face and leisurely moved down , over the curves she tried to hide beneath a baggy brown dress . but if there was one thing mad dog could find , it was a woman 's curves , and the wren was n't built too badly . biting back a smile , he let his gaze wander once again to her face . she gave him a look of pure , red-hot hatred . `` a little egg money you 've saved to ward off prowlers ? '' `` sixteen dollars , '' she said . mad dog grinned . now , that was an unexpected bonus . sixteen dollars was damn good money for doing next to nothing . he could hole up for a long while on that . she saw his interest and gave him a gloating smile . `` i knew that 'd get your interest . '' ah , damn , he thought , do n't do that . `` a man like you could n't last on a farm . '' add a challenge . he said the word on a sharp exhalation of breath . he wanted to leave , really wanted to . but now she 'd made it impossible . there were only two things mad dog prided himself on : he never walked away from a fight , and no one ever told him where to go . and now miss high and mighty had just started a fight and told him where to go in a single breath . `` naw , '' he said softly , `` i think i 'll just earn my keep . '' her smile crashed . you choose here to make an honest wage . '' `` got ta do it somewhere . '' she bent down and picked up the basket . ramming the hammer in with the nuts , she gave him a look sour enough to curdle milk . `` supper 's in one hour . i 'll leave yours on the porch . '' i 'm not invited to the table ? '' `` now , that 's not too neighborly of you , darlin ' . i 'm beginnin ' to feel downright unwelcome . '' she gripped the basket and held it tight against her body . thrusting her chin up , she marched past him and headed for the house . `` and i thought you were stupid . '' her words floated back to him in a rustle of swishing skirts . mariah stared down at the knoigsberger klops and had an almost overwhelming urge to grab the cast-iron skillet and throw the whole mess across the kitchen . with exaggerated calm she picked up the slotted spoon and began removing the meatballs from their broth . when she finished , she poured a flour-and-water mixture into the bubbling liquid and stirred the thickening gravy . she heard the slow , steady thump-thump-thump of rass coming down the stairs , and she straightened . `` evening , mariah . '' she spooned the meatballs back into the gravy and dished up supper . then , two plates in hand , she turned to face her father . `` hi , rass . '' he went to the head of the table and sat down . `` something smells mighty good . '' `` knoigsberger klops . '' `` ah , no wonder . '' he glanced around the table and frowned . `` there is n't a place for young mr . she wanted to say , mr. stone 's as young as i am , but she bit her tongue and forced a smile . `` he 's not eating with us . i put a cold chicken supper in a basket for him . it 's on the porch . '' `` why should he want to eat alone ? '' mariah scooted up to the table and poured two glasses of milk . `` probably wants to practice with a fork . '' rass made a soft , clucking sound . `` now , mariah , that 's not very charitable of you . '' she stabbed a meatball with her fork .	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he questioned sounding amused that she had apparently gone to the trouble of finding a way to get around the limits that her brother and cousin had attempted to place on her without picking a direct battle . she shot over her shoulder as she made her way to the kitchen and began rifling through the contents of the various drawers . im a people reader , he deadpanned before following after her . is there something in particular that you are trying to find in there ? i was hoping for a pair of scissors , she replied continuing her search . otherwise , im going to have to go digging through my suitcase to try to figure out what my multi tool has managed to slide between . you carry a multi tool ? i work at a childrens center , she replied looking up at him from the last of the kitchen drawers . its just easier to have a portable set of basic tools on me at all times than to run around trying to find one whenever the occasion arises -- which , in case i didnt put enough emphasis on it the first time , is often because i work at a childrens center . bryce held up his hands in mock surrender . im not judging , he insisted . there arent nearly enough people in the world who understand the importance of having a good quality pocket tool set at your disposal . although , yours is apparently not currently at your disposal . he nodded at the drawer that she was pushing back into place . in case you havent figured it out yet , you arent likely to find a pair of scissors in there . its not one of the kitchen utensils that she usually keeps stocked . abby insisted on helping with my packing , keely told him turning and resting with her back against the cabinet . shes less about packing carefully and more about tossing things into bags to be finished . im pretty sure that i know which bag its in , but the exactly where part of the equation is anybodys guess . its not like i dont need to finish unpacking anyway . is anything in there going to melt if it is in the sun for too long ? he inquired turning to look at the boxes still stacked outside of the door . keely brushed by him as she made her way in that direction . if i confess that its contraband , are you going to rat me out ? im the errand boy , he replied . im not the jailer . plus , im intrigued . what was it that you didnt think you could live without ? oh , i could live without it , she tossed back . im just choosing not to . she maneuvered out the door and stood over the boxes studying the tape on the top one as if she were weighing the odds of her being able to pull it off with just her fingers . do you want some help moving that ? he inquired coming out the door himself . thats probably a better idea than unpacking it piece by piece in the yard , she replied smiling up at him . im just a full service errand boy , he answered tugging at the first box and getting it up and settled in his arms . will the kitchen table work for you ? he asked already heading in that direction . thats fine , she replied sounding a little unsure . youve kind of gotten stuck on that errand boy thing . i didnt intend to offend you . you didnt , he told her setting the first box down and heading back out to grab the second . im actually amused . im sensing theres a story there , she prompted making sure to stay out of his way . youre sensing correctly , he told her placing the second box down next to the first and causing the table to sway just a bit . they were not light boxes . its not the sturdiest of tables , but i think itll be okay as long as we dont add anything else to the pile , he told her after watching it for a moment . you should probably unpack them sooner over later though -- just in case im wrong . do i get to hear this story ? she inquired instead of responding to his concerns about the potential weight bearing limit of the table . you might , he equivocated . right now , you have more pressing matters to attend to , and it just so happens that i know for a fact that my pocket knife is actually located in my pocket -- not in some undisclosed location lost between the folds of a t-shirt or snagged in the cuff of a sock . im even willing to share . i think im going to like you , keely told him looking at him with a hard to decipher expression as he held out the pocket knife for her to take . ~~~~~ a keyboard ? he questioned giving a look at her wrist that asked more questions than he had voiced . i can still play with this hand , she insisted holding up the one that was not bandaged . and this , she waved the other one , will heal long before im scheduled to leave . their unpacking session had ended with her extending an offer for tea ( which they were both sipping at the kitchen table that looked sincerely happy to be no longer suffering under the weight of the electronics that it had been holding ) . dedicated musician ? its who i am , she admitted . they probably even expected that i would get something to play here sooner or later .	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she could sit in the dark and listen to her mother 's voice for hours . about that , her father had been right . the fairy tale connected them somehow . and her mother might be feeling it , too ; nina was certain mom was elaborating , going deeper into the story than ever before . did she , like nina , want to keep it going ? had dad asked that of her ? `` can i bring you anything before i go ? '' nina looked around , saw the bulging bag stuffed alongside the rocking chair . retrieving it , she went back to the bed . in no time , mom 's hands were moving over the coil of blue-green mohair yarn . nina left the room , hearing the click click click of the needles as she closed the door . she stopped by the bathroom and pushed the door open . alone , she went downstairs and put a log on the dwindling fire . she poured herself a glass of wine and sat down on the hearth . it was a hell of a story , worth listening to , if for no other reason than to hear her mother speak with such passion and power . the woman who told that story was someone else entirely , not the cold , distant anya whitson of nina 's youth . was that the secret her father wanted her to glimpse ? that somewhere , buried beneath the silent exterior , lay a different woman ? was that her father 's gift ? a glimpse-finally-at the woman with whom he had fallen in love ? the story was so much richer and more detailed than she remembered . or maybe she had n't really listened before . the story had always been something she 'd taken for granted ; like a picture you saw so often you never wondered who it was that had taken it , or who that was standing in the background . but once you 'd noticed the oddity , it threw everything else into question . meredith had n't intended to listen to her mother 's fairy tale , but as she sat in the ridiculously overstocked bathroom , going through drawers full of over-the-counter and prescription medications dating back to 1980 , she heard the voice . that was how she 'd always thought of it , even as a girl . without making a conscious decision , she finished packing the box , marked it bathroom , and dragged it into the hallway . there she heard the words from her childhood float through the open door . maybe she is thinking of boys . of a boy ... ... meredith felt a shiver . she recognized her own longing ; it was familiar to her , that feeling of wanting something from her mother . she had known it all of her life . she knew she should leave the bathroom and walk down the hallway and out of the house , but she could n't do it . the lure of mom 's voice , as sweet and honeyed as any fairy-tale witch 's , snared her as it always had , and before she really thought about it , she found herself crossing the hallway , standing at the partially open door , listening . it was n't until she heard nina 's sharp voice say , `` what do you mean , people will die ? '' that the spell broke . meredith backed away from the door quickly-she definitely did not want to be caught eavesdropping ; nina would take it as interest and pounce . hurrying down the stairs , she was home in no time . the dogs greeted her with dizzying enthusiasm . she was so relieved to have been missed that when she let them inside , she dropped to her knees on the mudroom floor and hugged them both , letting their nuzzling and face-licking substitute for the sound of her husband 's voice . `` good puppies , '' she murmured , scratching the soft hair behind their ears . getting tiredly to her feet , she went to the closet beside the washer and dryer and got the giant bag of dog food- jeff 's job -and poured some into their silver bowls . after a quick check that they had plenty of fresh water , she went into the kitchen . the room was empty , quiet , with no lingering scents . she stood there in the darkness , paralyzed by the thought of the night to come . no wonder she 'd stayed for the story . anything was better than facing her empty bed . she called each of her daughters , left i-love-you messages , and then made herself a cup of tea . grabbing a heavy blanket , she went outside to sit on the porch . at least the quiet out here felt natural . she could lose herself in the endless starlit sky , in the smell of rich black earth , in the sweet scent of new growth . in this month that was a pause between spring and summer , the first tiny apples were out on the trees . in no time , the orchards would be full of fruit and workmen and pickers ... ... it was her dad 's favorite time of year , this moment when everything was possible and he could still hope for the best crop ever .	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therefore , she just waves at me as if i 'm getting ready to go on a ride at disneyland and bumps brad as if to say , `` oh , look how cute they are going down the escalator . '' the last thing she sees is me making a cut it out motion with my hand as my head ducks below to the first level . `` look , a dude . '' preston points toward a nerdy-looking barista whose reading theology today with an interest i can only describe as a little too intense . smoke is about to pour from my ears like a cartoon . to make myself feel better , i make the bet sweeter , for me . `` i get a free coffee and you do n't talk to me the entire trip on the airplane . '' pulling out my lip gloss , i put some on and approach the counter wearing my most flirtatious smile . oh my word , i 'm going to lose . why did i just wave at someone right in front of me ? my stomach churns as i think of the plane ride that 's at stake . the barista lifts his eyes for just a second before dropping the magazine in front of him and taking a cup in hand . `` what would you like , miss ? '' his voice squeaks on the miss making me pity him all the more . this is all preston 's fault . clearing my throat , i try to engage him in conversation so i can flirt , or try to . `` so ... '' i look at his name tag `` john , that magazine looks pretty interesting . are you studying to be a pastor ? '' he nods his head yes and blushes as i mentally high five myself for such clever flirting . his expression turns serious again as he asks , `` did you want coffee or not ? '' laughing , i twist my dark hair around my finger playfully flirting with the poor guy . `` of course silly , that 's why i 'm here . '' i make a pretend pushing motion with my hand as if to say `` you are so funny ! '' but he 's not having any of it , and he looks bored . how can i be more boring than theology today ? `` umm , '' i stutter . `` just a small black coffee . '' taking out the money , i begin to think of ways to ignore preston . the barista accepts my money and gives me some change . this time , i do not tip . i should have , but preston would have seen it . walking back toward preston , i keep my head down waiting for the jokes to hit , but instead preston just looks at me with prideful eyes and shrugs . `` it 's not because you were n't pretty enough , you just made him too nervous . '' he and i walk side by side to the elevators before he says , `` he was probably afraid of being rejected . '' why am i defending the coffee guy ? `` he was just more interested in his stupid magazine . did you see me wave at him ? '' he turns toward me and winks . you win , i lose . i down the entire contents of my cup and throw it in the trash . `` oh no , you do n't get away that easy . there 's one other coffee shop upstairs . i say we give it a try . that is , unless you 've faced enough rejection for the day ? '' i mutter as we , yet again , pass kristin and brad . this time , however , they 're both looking in our direction smiling and tilting their heads as if to say , `` oh , look now they 're going for a walk . we 'll have words later , you can bet on it . we approach the dreaded destination to find two male baristas behind the counter . `` you do n't ' have to do this , you know , '' preston teased . `` i promise i wo n't tell anyone that theology boy rejected you . '' i hit him in his muscular shoulder , probably hurting my hand more than his body , and turn to face the music . `` just be yourself ! '' preston shouts after me as my face heats with sudden embarrassment . both baristas look up as i approach . by now you must have guessed that i 'm extremely keyed up on caffeine . i 've had one full cup of coffee along with two shots of espresso . the wise choice would be to order a snack or bread to soak up the sugar or i 'll be totally out of control in about ten minutes . there 's a valid reason for not drinking too much caffeine and pop . i have trouble shutting up when it 's in my system . you 're thinking , `` wow , amanda , you already have that problem . how could it get worse ? '' to which i 'm guessing you 'll soon find out that it can , indeed , get worse . he 's quite good looking for a sixteen year old . there 's no way i should have ever thought that . i am so glad nobody can hear my thoughts . it reminds me of the time i went to the mall and saw a sign for abercrombie and went `` ooo he 's cute ! 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`` hmm ... '' she shivered and ran her hands up his arms , then clasped her hands together behind his neck . `` a pleaser . `` i 'd love to please you . '' he bent and nuzzled her neck , his mouth a whisper from her ear . `` if you like that idea , we 'll get along real well . '' against his chest , hunter felt her n*ples harden even more , and he 'd bet every dime he had in the bank that she was wet . need tightened in his balls , and he forced back his impatience . what he wanted from her would take time and trust . this was too delicious to rush . he fell back on small talk . `` you 're a probation officer , according to ben . '' `` yep , for the last two years . i love working with the people who have misstepped and genuinely want to change their lives . some have just made a wrong choice and need the right tools or a little self-confidence . it 's great to make a difference . '' hunter liked her all the more for wanting to . `` i 'm sure you 're damn good at it , too . you 've got a no-nonsense way about you , but i 'll bet you make it go down smooth . '' `` wow , a pleaser and a charmer . this might be my lucky night . '' her kittenish laugh made him sizzle . hunter had to bite the inside of his lip to stop himself from kissing her here and now . her lips , so red and glossy , were only inches away . he wanted that mouth under his , wrapped around his dick , open as she screamed through the orgasms he gave her . `` i hear you 've had some work-related trouble lately . '' kata wrinkled her nose . `` cortez villarreal is a piss-ass street thug who assumes that , because i 'm female , i 'll be easily cowed or bend to his threats . i 've learned how to fend for myself , and there 's no way he 's going to scare me from doing my job just because he tosses out some nasty threats . '' `` the prick . '' `` he do anything more than threaten ? '' he had to suppress the growl from his voice . `` not yet , but his warrant has only been out for a week . as the police and bounty hunters start closing in , he 'll send some of his lowlifes to do his dirty work . in both my purse and my apartment , i 'm packing . so i 'm ready . '' though hunter did n't like the idea of kata having to defend herself , the fact she was hell on wheels and did n't show fear turned him on even more . he had n't expected this tough attitude from such a soft , curvy woman , but it made him even more eager to cement something with her . and confirmed his suspicion that there was more to this woman beneath her very pretty surface . `` someone teach you to shoot ? '' he curled his hand around her hip , enjoying the hell out of touching her curves . she rubbed against him , settling closer . he used to be a new orleans cop before katrina . he lives in houston now , doing undercover work . we have n't heard from him in nearly a year , but last time he blew through town , he made me brush up . '' `` what about hand-to-hand ? '' `` i need to work on that . so far , i 've relied on knees to the groin and a few pressure points that will take a man down . '' he palmed his way down her ass and copped a quick feel . taking her from behind was going to be a sweet visual treat . getting deep inside her there would be even sweeter . `` why would i do that to you ? '' kata circled her hps against him . a rush of tingles spiked down his c*ck and spread all through his body . her stare singed him with sexual challenge . and damn if he was n't going to take her up on that asap . christ , he wanted to eat her up . hunger clawed at him , relentless , so much deeper than anything he 'd ever known . this mattered because , already , she mattered . `` well , i suspect you 're a vixen , and i 'm not always the easiest guy to get along with . '' `` but if i kneed all that great equipment ... '' she trailed her fingernails right down the line of his spine , and goose bumps broke out over his skin . `` would n't i be cutting off my nose to spite my face ? '' hunter was n't convinced her mind was on the small talk . he was certainly making a concerted effort to concentrate . getting to know her was important . she was no meaningless fuck , and he wanted her to know it from the start . as hard as he was for her right now , he liked her . respected her moxie .	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she felt the warmth in his eyes and it reassured her . `` you look good yourself , '' she said , recovering quickly . he reached for the stroller handles ; apparently he was ready to leave . maryellen 's heart dropped . she asked , and started to walk slowly down the path that wandered along the waterfront toward the marina . many of the sailboats had decorated their masts with bright christmas lights . in the summer , this area around the waterfront was filled with booths and stands-a local farmers ' market . at other times the paved area by the gazebo was a large parking lot . `` sure , '' jon said , matching his steps to hers as he pushed the stroller . `` i was thinking , '' she said , hesitating as her heart began to race . it might be silly to feel this way , but she was nervous and on edge . at her pause , jon turned to look at her . `` about christmas , '' she added . `` i was thinking about the two of us sharing katie . '' `` i could take her christmas eve and you could have her christmas day , '' jon suggested . `` you 've certainly been flexible with the schedule , '' she said appreciatively . in almost every instance , jon had been agreeable about the schedule alterations she 'd required . `` but my thought was that you might like to spend christmas with katie and me and my family . '' `` and not have her christmas eve ? '' `` no-no , you could take her then if you wanted , but this is in addition to christmas eve . '' `` you 're asking me to join you for christmas ? '' his voice was surprised . `` i 'd like it very much if you could come for the day . '' she was shocked by the depth of her desire , shocked by how badly she wanted him with her and katie . for a moment , it seemed as if he was pleased by her invitation . then , for no reason she could decipher , his grin faded and he turned away from her , physically as well as emotionally . `` i appreciate the invite , but i ca n't . '' maryellen did n't bother to hide her disappointment , although she attempted to swallow her hurt . well , she had her answer , but it was n't one she liked . jon had met someone else . `` i should 've invited you earlier , i guess , '' she said , recovering quickly . `` perhaps we can get together next christmas . '' `` perhaps , '' he said , without committing himself . soon afterward , jon made an excuse and left with katie . maryellen walked numbly along the waterfront . she felt rejected and dismayed and upset . not wanting to return to an empty house , she drove to her mother 's place on rosewood lane . this was the home where maryellen had grown up . she loved this old house with the big dormer and the old-fashioned front porch . as a teenager , she 'd spent many evenings sitting on those steps . her mother 's car was parked in the garage , with the door left open . buttercup was outside and barked when she eased to a stop in the driveway . as soon as the golden retriever recognized her , she wagged her tail in greeting . maryellen stroked the dog 's head and spoke a few words to her mother 's companion , then knocked at the kitchen door and let herself in . grace sat at the computer , intently studying the screen when maryellen entered . `` hi , mom , '' she said in a dejected voice . grace spun around , her eyes wide . i knocked . '' her mother turned back to the computer and frantically typed something . then she closed it down , stood and came into the kitchen , where maryellen sat at the table . she was behaving a bit strangely , maryellen thought , frowning . it was almost as if she 'd stumbled upon her mother doing something illegal . whatever it was , grace had guilty written all over her . if she had n't been so absorbed in her own troubles , maryellen would have pursued the matter . `` mom , i think jon 's got a girlfriend , '' she blurted out , and realized immediately how juvenile that sounded . her mother reached for the teakettle and filled it with tap water . he 's avoiding me . '' she tried to figure out how long this had been going on and could n't remember . `` i invited him to spend christmas with me and katie and the rest of the family . he declined , said he had other plans . '' grace sat down at the kitchen table and studied her . what maryellen wanted just then was advice and comfort , not questions . she repeated , faltering over the words . `` well ... because i just do . '' `` you were the one who insisted you did n't want jon in your life . 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she watched him casually break off a conversation with gage 's girlfriend 's brother and make his way toward her . she scurried ahead of him , waiting until she reached the end of the hallway . he caught sight of her , and she ran ahead . she heard his rough chuckle of amusement as she bustled ahead of him in as fast a run as she could manage with her dress . she came to another corner , waited until he was in sight of her , then ran ahead . finally she came to a darkened but unlocked office at the farthest end of the reception hall , far away from the crowd and the staff . she made sure he saw her enter , then leaned back against a wall , breast heaving , laughter on her lips . chase burst into the office and caught sight of her , his eyes glinting with predatory amusement . he was barely panting , despite having jogged after her across the building . he closed the door behind himself , the snick of the latch closing deafening in the silent room . he simply stood there for a moment , hands loose at his sides , head tilted slightly as he devoured her figure with his gaze . she felt his eyes like heat on her every curve , felt his lust for her , his raw , potent desire as a palpable force . she did n't move a muscle , simply stood with her back pressed to the wall , chest heaving , br*sts straining against the white chiffon of her dress , her breath coming in deep gasps-from anticipation and desire now rather than exertion . chase swallowed the short distance between them in two long strides , pressing his hps against hers , his forehead bumping hers , palms flattened against the wall to either side of her face . she brushed her hands up his torso , resting them on his shoulders . `` you 're beautiful , jamie . a goddamn vision . '' she slid her mouth across his , then bit his lower lip . gon na fk my brains out now ? '' `` yeah , sure am . '' she breathed a sigh . he chuckled , then lowered one hand to her waist , across her belly , then up to her breast . her breath caught as she forgot to resume breathing . his fingers tugged the cup of the dress down and her breast up , baring one dark pink nipple . he lowered his mouth to it and flicked it with his tongue . jamie 's breath returned with a gasp . his hand curled into the fabric of her dress at her hip , bunching the material , gathering it , revealing her legs an inch at a time . he pulled the dress up past her hips , and then his breath stopped with a long groan . you have n't been wearing any panties this whole time ? jesus , jay . it 's a good thing i did n't know until now , or we would n't have made it through the wedding . '' she laughed , reaching between his arms to unbutton his tuxedo pants , then slid the zipper down . jamie bit her lip as she dragged his boxers down to his knees , freeing the erect weight of his cock . she circled her fingers around him , sliding down his length and back up . chase sucked in a breath , closing his eyes briefly . when he opened them , they were on fire with need . he slid his palm around the back of one of her thighs , lifting it up to his waist . then he moved his hand to her other thigh , and jamie 's eyes widened , realizing what he intended . `` god , are you crazy ? you ca n't lift me up- '' she was cut off by him doing exactly that . jamie clenched her legs around his waist and braced her back against the door , wrapping her arms around his neck . she was split immediately in two by his impatiently thrusting cock . jamie lifted her face to the ceiling and whimpered in her throat , filled and stretched and impaled and completed by his manhood in her sex . chase buried his face in her brsts and crashed up into her , heedless of her weight , his palms cupping her ass beneath the draped dress . she 'd been filled by chase before , had felt him drive deep in a thousand different positions , but never had he been this deep . the base of his cck pushed perfectly against her clt as he drove into her with short , hard , piston thrusts . her fingers curled around his nape , her palm flattened over the bald dome of his scalp , and she found herself lifting up and sinking down to meet him , her mouth pressed to the front of his head , muffling her cries . chase grunted and growled into the soft flesh of her br**sts . jamie lifted up and sank down with an exponentially increasing urgency , and the chorus of sighs and gasps coming from them both filled the tiny office .	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i do n't know who gave you that impression , but- '' `` ben , '' he muttered , his frown deepening . chrissie closed her eyes and shook her head . she 'd mentioned joelle once to mary , who must have told ben . clearly he 'd either misheard or jumped to the wrong conclusion or both . `` you talked to ben about me ? '' she did n't like the idea of scott discussing her-with ben or anyone else . that thought angered her even more . `` you have some nerve , i 'll say that for you . '' `` chrissie- '' `` do n't chrissie me . i 'm not a naive sixteen-year-old , nor do i have stars in my eyes . i know exactly the kind of man you are . '' `` you do n't know me , '' he snapped . `` if you did- '' `` i know all i want to know . '' refusing to give him the last word , she muttered , `` fine with me , too . '' it seemed a sad way to end their conversation , if indeed it could be considered a conversation . scott returned to the loft with an opened can of beans and a fork ; she jerked the blankets over her shoulders . wordlessly she sat and guarded the fire , trying to forget scott 's kisses . chapter seven `` well ? '' mariah o'halloran glanced up from the secretary 's desk where she filled in one day a week at the midnight sons office . years earlier she 'd been one of the first women to respond to the o'hallorans ' advertisement ; she 'd accepted the position of secretary and ended up marrying her boss . christian gently closed the door and slumped into the chair nearest her desk . her husband wore a strange look , and mariah did n't know what to think . `` scott and chrissie are back , are n't they ? '' she hated it when christian made her dig for every little detail . he knew that she and half the residents of hard luck were dying to hear what had happened between scott and chrissie . everyone had hoped the two of them would mend their differences while stranded on lake abbey . in her eyes the situation was ideal . the two of them alone together while the storm raged outside . christian claimed she was an incurable romantic , but if that was true , then so was almost everyone in hard luck . `` i want to know about scott and chrissie . '' `` you and the rest of the town . there must 've been a hundred people at the airfield this morning when they landed . '' mariah leaned forward . `` did it look like everything 's okay with them ? '' `` hardly , '' christian said with a shake of his head . `` the minute the engine stopped , chrissie had the door open and was scrambling out . seemed to me she was in an awful rush . '' did he go after chrissie ? '' `` he took off in the opposite direction . now that i think about it , he seemed to be in a rush himself . '' `` it 's too bad , is n't it ? '' her husband 's comment surprised her , since he rarely showed any interest in other people 's romantic problems . `` i think the world of scott , '' christian went on to say . `` i know you do , '' mariah said . `` he 's a good guy-turned out well . i know he had a few problems as a teenager , but lots of boys do . i certainly do n't hold it against him . hey-remember when he read susan 's diary and wrote comments in the margins ? '' `` i sure do , '' mariah said , grinning . she agreed that scott had turned out well . in more than one sense . he was a fine-looking man . mariah had watched him , susan and chrissie mature into young adults . from the time scott and chrissie were in high school , she 'd known they shared a special bond . like almost everyone in hard luck , she 'd assumed that one day they 'd marry . only , she 'd apparently assumed wrong , and that saddened her . `` years ago , '' christian said , stretching out his legs , `` before we got married , scott and i had a talk ... about women . '' mariah managed to hold back a smile . she did n't even want to think what a nine-year-old boy had to say on that subject . `` scott offered me some advice , '' christian said , grinning broadly , `` having to do with romance and the two of us . '' `` do n't you dare tell me after all these years that you married me on the advice of a fifth-grade boy ! '' christian 's eyes avoided hers . `` i guess it was n't exactly advice . '' `` you 'd better tell me the worst . 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no matter how many times he tried , he could n't seem to write . nothing interested him or fired his passion or made him care . he felt strangely dead inside . a sigh escaped his cracked , bleeding lips . he banged his head back against the slatted wall . he curled his arms around his bent knees and hugged himself against the bitter cold . but it was a wasted effort . the weather bit through his tattered coat and gnawed on his flesh . winter had come with a vengeance this year , blanketing the world in a cape of icy white , turning the empty boxcars into chilly coffins . he sighed long and slow . his breath hung in the air for a second , then dissipated . he was cold , hungry , and tired . he had n't had a decent meal in the week since he left lonesome creek . there was no work to be found in frozen america in this year of panic . and damn little charity . years ago , when he 'd first started riding the rails , it had seemed romantic ; stowing away in empty boxcars , outsmarting the railroad workers , making camp wherever he wanted , fighting the local strongmen at every county fair between san francisco and new york . then , he 'd felt free . now he felt ... different . where before the rails seemed to go everywhere , they now seemed to go nowhere at all . his life was without romance or excitement or purpose . just a series of endless , hopeless hours spent in freezing boxcars , riding from one unwelcoming little town to the next . he wiped his eyes with hands that were black with dirt and scooted back into the car . curling into a warmth-conserving ball , he closed his eyes and tried to sleep . cursing softly , he rubbed his aching eyes and let his head bang back against the wall again . for the first time in his life , he knew what it meant to miss someone , miss her so badly , you ached . he 'd grieved for his mother , but that was different . death was a loss that , with time , slid into memory . not so with mariah . every day he missed her more . she was out there , a warm , living , breathing presence . when he closed his eyes , he saw her smile ; when the coldness of winter touched his flesh , he remembered her warmth ; when the silence enfolded him , endless and unbroken , he heard her laughter . she was probably at the stove right now , cooking supper , the mouth-watering aroma of stewing meat seeping from the oven , filling the kitchen . jake would be behind her , setting the table . christ , he could almost hear the quiet clinking of silverware and the muted music of their voices . the house .. . mariah ... jake ... they were all back there , warm and cozy and welcoming ... . but that was n't what he wanted , he reminded himself for the thousandth time since leaving . he was n't a man who cared for `` cozy '' or wanted safety . he loved this life , out here all alone , going wherever he wanted , doing whatever he felt like . he needed his freedom like other men needed air . it was just taking longer to get over them than he 'd thought . but he would get over them . pretty soon-any day now-these little quirks of longing would start to fade , and he 'd be back to his old self . he picked up his pen and notebook again and stared down at the cold , white page . without thinking , he started to write something . when he looked down at what he 'd written , he felt a chill that went clear through to his spine . there was only one word on the paper . mariah , he threw the pen across the car , heard it hit the wall with a tinny crack and tumble to the floor . it was only a matter of time before this idiocy would end and he 'd forget mariah . soon he 'd be back to his old self , writing articles , drinking tequila , screwing whores , and laughing . it was three full weeks before jake found the courage to tell mariah the truth . they were sitting on the porch swing , as they did every night after supper . twilight lay in a heavy purple blanket across the farm . stars glittered in the darkness , cast a million shimmering reflections on the new layer of snow . he cast a sureptitious sideways glance at her . she was sitting hunched over , her hands curled in her lap . pale-faced , sad-eyed , she stared out across the land . he knew that she was searching the fields , waiting for mad dog to return . `` i think he loved you , '' he said softly . there was a bng , quiet moment , and then slowly she nodded . `` so do i , jake . '' they lapsed back into a familiar silence . he dug deep for the courage to say what needed to be said . `` my mama loved hin , too . '' jake tried to smile .	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to be honest , i checked his e-mail again a few minutes ago . she didnt sound half as confident as she would have liked it . serena , one of the 30-odd guests assembled in the mansion to witness her engagement to wayne , walked over and laid her cocoa-brown , ruby-nailed hand on her bare shoulder . its nearing five thirty now . frannie and i have kept the guests happy by having the snacks served early , but now the murmurs are getting louder and louder . if you could come out and chat with people , it would help . she looked at the one girl among her so-called friends who was closer to her and on the same wavelength in a lot of matters . a chunky engagement ring with a diamond sparkled lusciously against serenas skin , and for a moment , a pang of jealousy shot through nadia . by now , she should be wearing an even more beautiful ring on her finger . where the hell was wayne ? why wasnt there at least a message to inform her why he was late ? he was notorious for being punctual , and she knew he didnt like it if she called him unnecessarily or showed any doubt in his many promises . that was why she hadnt given him a call yet , waiting first patiently and then impatiently for him to turn up like the knight in shining armor to pronounce her his . they had been planning this engagement party for more than a month , sending out invitations , selecting the menu , shopping for the ring , and making her grandmother happier than ever . nadia glanced down at the mint-colored maxi dress she was wearing , wispy folds of fabric that tied together at her neck and fell loosely to her feet and to the white high-heels cutting into her skin . she wore pearl earrings and a small pearl choker , and she had been assured more than 20 times how absolutely lovely she looked , but it helped nothing to make her feel more and more vulnerable . somewhere deep down , she had a bad feeling about this . naddie ? straightening her shoulders and shaking her friends hand off , she walked to where her frustratingly silent phone lay , and flipped it open . this was their special day . what if he had got involved in an accident , with his tendency for speeding and his mind always on some business deal or other ? she speed-dialed his number and waited with bated breath . after a moment , she put the phone back down and looked up into serenas expectant face , her stomach clenching . its switched off . the look on the stunningly beautiful girls face spoke volumes , and the clenching turned to something not unlike cramps . something must have happened to him ! honey , dont get me wrong , but that isnt what i would panic about right now . when she stared back , her friend walked over and took both her hands . naddie , have you considered he might have walked out on you ? the silence after the question rang loudly . or was she hearing some distant ringing in her ears ? was that wayne calling the landline because there was something wrong ? while her brain was still busy concocting excuses , her heart knew , simply knew . he wasnt on his way . dodo you think hed do something so dreadful ? she hated how vulnerable she sounded . this was not her . maybe he got cold feet ? some men are supposed to be like that , getting all panicky when the date of their wedding creeps closer . but then he could have told me . i dont need a big engagement party . i dont need an engagement at all if hes uncomfortable with it or feels its too soon . it was his idea ! now she was whining and on the verge of panic . she needed to get a grip on herself , and fast . i will refuse to believe he chickened out on this until i have proof . lets get this bloody party going and focus on the problem at hand , whatever it might be . she smiled , knowing the corners of her mouth wavered and her voice sounded more fake than truly firm . when they walked into the hall where the guests were assembled and had paired off to whisper conspiratorially , she almost faltered . before she had the chance to mingle and try to maintain a positive faade , their housemaid walked over and told her that there was a call for her on the landline . she hadnt imagined the ringing . finally , a sign of life . a possibility for explanations . then why did she feel so reluctant to answer the call ? why was a voice inside her screaming to let things be because surely the call could only bring bad news ? when she took the phone , her hand shook , as if her body knew what her mind had no idea about . there was something in waynes voice that had her pulse racing and made it impossible to utter another word . hard , clipped , coldand guilty ? she couldnt bring herself to ask anything or hurl an accusation down the line .	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with her he wanted passion and excitement , but also tenderness and companionship . and that realization , although new , continued to both frighten and excite him . on saturday afternoon , julia eagerly read and re-read the e-mail that gave her details about her birthday celebration . please do me the honor of gracing me with your presence at the royal ontario museum this saturday evening at six o'clock . meet me at the bloor street entrance . i shall be wearing the suit and tie and the incredibly wide smile as you walk through the door . i look forward to the pleasure of your company with great anticipation . yours with affection and deepest longing , gabriel she complied eagerly , wearing the iris-purple dress that rachel had bought , along with sheer black stockings and christian louboutin heels . it was too far ( and too painful ) to walk in those shoes from her apartment to the museum , so she took a cab . she arrived promptly at six , her eyes shining and her cheeks pink with excitement . i 'm going on a date with gabriel . it almost did n't matter that he 'd insisted on celebrating her birthday ; the thought of having gabriel to herself for a romantic evening shoved all apprehension aside . she missed him , despite their furtive texts and e-mails and occasional leisurely phone calls . the museum had undergone a substantial renovation , and a crystal sculpture shaped like the hull of a ship jutted out of the original stone wall . julia did n't like the juxtaposition of modern and victorian ; she preferred one or the other . but perhaps she was in the minority . as she approached the entrance , she discovered that the museum was closed ; its posted hours indicated it had been closed for thirty minutes . nevertheless , she walked up to the door and was surprised that she was greeted immediately by a security guard . `` your host is waiting for you in the gift shop . '' julia thanked him and wended her way through the shelves of arti-facts , toys , and tchotchkes . a tall man , impeccably dressed in a navy blue pinstripe suit with side vents , stood with his back toward her . as soon as she saw his form , his broad shoulders , and brown hair , her heart jumped in her chest . will i always feel breathless and weak-kneed whenever i see him ? she knew the answer even before she approached him . when he did n't turn around , she cleared her throat . `` professor emerson , i presume . '' he spun around quickly , and as soon as he saw her , he gasped . he pressed his lips to hers a little too enthusiastically and peeled her out of her coat . julia slowly spun in a circle . he pulled her into his arms and kissed her more forcefully , tugging her lip in between his and gently exploring her mouth . she pulled back , embarrassed . `` we 'll be doing more of that this evening . we have the entire museum to ourselves . but first ... '' he reached over to pick up a clear box that had been sitting on a low table nearby . inside the box was a large , white orchid . `` i 'm making up for having missed your prom . gabriel removed the flower and tied it to her wrist a little too com-petently , winding the white satin ribbon around her in an elaborate weave . `` it 's lovely , gabriel . she came willingly , but he immediately realized his mistake and stopped . `` i mean , if you please . '' she smiled and threaded their fingers together . they walked over to a large open space where a small , impromptu bar had been set up . gabriel guided her with his hand at the small of her back . `` i was one of the donors for the florentine exhibit . i asked for a private viewing - they gladly complied . '' he gave her a half-smile that almost caused her to melt into a puddle on the floor just like in the film amelie . the bartender greeted them warmly . `` do you know how to make a flirtini ? '' gabriel 's eyebrows went up , and he leaned over to whisper in her ear , `` that 's an interesting name for a drink . a preview of coming attractions ? '' `` raspberry vodka , cranberry juice and pineapple . i 've never had one before , but i read about it online , and it sounded yummy . '' asked the bartender , handing julia her drink , garnished with a small slice of pineapple . `` tonic water with lime , please . '' `` there 's a special bottle of wine at my place . i 'm waiting for that . '' julia waited until gabriel received his drink so they could toast one another . `` you can bring your - what was it - flirtini with you . we 're the only guests here . '' `` i could nurse one of these all night . they 're pretty strong . 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`` why would you even want that ? '' gabriel 's unrepentant grin sent a shiver through me . `` so you 'll be free to work for me . '' `` well , they would n't fire me and even if they did , i still would n't work for you . '' gabriel stepped back and crossed his arms . he looked at me so long that i had to fight the urge to fidget . `` challenge it is . '' i looked around and noticed gabriel 's assistant . i was embarrassed to realize i 'd forgotten all about him in the last minute . `` is your boss always like this ? '' i asked him in exasperation , expecting to receive a discreet eye-roll . instead , the older man removed his attention from the ceiling , looked me straight in the eye , and emphatically answered `` never . '' gabriel called over his shoulder `` rick , go on without me . i 'll be up after seeing ms. adams to her floor . '' `` sure thing , gabriel . '' `` i do n't need you to see me- '' `` hush , emma . '' he erased the distance between us until his shoes touched mine . keeping his muscular body firmly in the way between me and the still-open door , he stated , `` we 're in negotiations . '' rick paused just inside the elevator . `` i still have my plus one for tonight , correct ? '' `` it 's just been filled . '' i 'll call ahead and have her put on the list . '' `` have who put on the list ? '' i asked gabriel , already knowing the answer but unable to believe the audacity . `` why you , silly . '' i could n't keep my bearings straight . gabriel shook his head gravely . `` i never joke when it comes to you , emma . '' my gaze once again darted over his broad shoulder to catch rick 's attention . unfortunately , he 'd already exited the elevator , holding his hand up when a couple tried to get on . `` i 'm sorry but this one is n't going down . '' `` ah , so am i . we 'll just catch a ride on this one over here . '' the doors closed , leaving me alone with gabriel . he turned away from me and inserted a key into the panel . the elevator remained on my floor . gabriel looked up at the ceiling and made a motion across his neck with his hand . he then sauntered back to my spot in the corner and smiled . `` who were you signaling ? '' `` i do n't want security gawking at us . '' the expression on my face made him laugh long and hard . `` do n't worry , emma . i 'm not going to molest you in the elevator . i was left tongue-tied , much like i was in school when gabriel would say something outrageous . `` why did you have your assistant leave ? '' i managed to ask in a terse whisper . `` because i wanted to talk to you in private , '' he mimicked . now he wanted to talk to me in private ? gabriel studied my mouth , fixating on it like he had the night of our first kiss . i blinked quickly , feeling overwhelmed by his presence and my delicious memories . god , how i always loved the way he said my name ! warmth drizzled over me . `` as far as i can go . and then further than that . '' i have to admit my heart skipped more than a few beats . you did n't even know i was here until a few minutes ago . '' `` yes , a terrible shame that . you should 've come up to see me on your first day instead of hiding . '' i wanted to squawk that i had n't been hiding but we 'd both know it for a lie . `` i would never have done that , gabriel . '' he reached out and played with ends of my hair . `` do you do this with every girl from your past you come across ? '' `` i 've spent enough time living with regret over you , emma . i do n't fancy spending any more time with it . '' bringing a heavy lock up to his nose , gabriel inhaled deeply . `` your hair smells wonderful . '' ten minutes ago all i could think of was the data import scheduled for three . now gabriel stood before me and neatly decimated my understanding of the world and apparently also liked my shampoo . `` gabriel ... i ... what the hell ! '' `` well , that 's a promising start , '' he teased . gabriel flicked his chin with my hair before releasing it . `` now onto the negotiations . '' he leaned against the wall across from me and put his hands in his pockets . his casual position was at complete odds with the steel running through his words . `` i 'm going to see you everyday .	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`` if you 'd like to invite your young man , please do . that simon is quite the charmer . '' `` i 'll mention it if i talk to him between now and christmas eve . '' that was highly improbable , but again she did n't feel it was necessary to go into details . `` why would n't you be talking to him ? '' mrs. mullinex pressed . `` tis the season and he 's your sweetheart . '' cassie glanced away . `` actually , he is n't . '' `` they might 've had a spat , '' harry suggested . `` in that case , dear , i urge you to settle it before christmas . '' she looked at harry and blushed . `` do n't let too much time elapse before you set things right . '' harry stepped closer to phyllis . rather than tell them there was nothing to settle , cassie just thanked them for their advice . they made an arrangement to meet , and cassie let herself into her condo . the festive cheer of the season greeted her , and for a moment all she could do was stand and stare at her christmas tree and the other decorations , at the christmas cards lined up on her mantel and the pile of wrapped gifts . she struggled to ignore her heavy heart . as she tossed the mail on the kitchen counter , simon 's bold handwriting , slanted across a business-size envelope , instantly caught her attention . she grabbed it with both hands . two or three minutes must have passed before she mustered the courage to tear it open . with her pulse hammering in her ears , she pulled out a refund check for the total amount of his fee . the check was wrapped in a single sheet of white paper . when she unfolded the sheet , she found it blank . he 'd made the check out to her and in the memo line , he 'd written one word : refund . she had always assumed he 'd keep the money . perhaps this was the only way he had of relieving his conscience . the only way of saying he had regrets , too . not knowing just what she 'd do with it , cassie propped the check against the base of a blooming poinsettia-the very one he 'd given her . she 'd need to think about her response . she could refuse to cash it out of pure stubbornness . that seemed foolish . when she 'd paid simon , she 'd explained that the funds had come from a special savings account , which she 'd set up to pay for her wedding . perhaps he was saying he wanted her to have that wedding . no , she mused , shaking her head . she could n't second-guess him , could n't drive herself insane trying to analyze his motives . the phone rang and , still absorbed in her thoughts , cassie picked it up . the male voice was unfamiliar . `` my name is john fitzsimmons and i was given your number by a ... mutual friend . '' `` what can i do for you , john ? '' she asked , suspicion springing to life . `` well ... i was hoping we could meet for coffee . '' `` ah ... '' `` is it simon ? '' it had n't taken her long to catch on . the matchmaker in him was incapable of letting this go . he 'd found the man he believed to be her ideal match . obviously , simon was hoping to assuage his guilt by making sure she had the opportunity to meet john-an opportunity she 'd already declined . `` simon suggested it might be better if i implied it was someone else , but i 'm not much good at prevarication . '' `` he said you backed out at the last minute . '' `` i did , '' she confirmed . `` i know it 's none of my business , but would you mind telling me why ? '' cassie bit her lip and debated how wise it would be to reveal the truth , then decided she owed him that . `` i apologize because i realize i let you down , but ... unfortunately i fell in love with someone else . '' she heard a world of disappointment in that one word . `` did you tell simon this ? '' `` yes , i was in his office on monday . '' could that have been just forty-eight hours ago ? it seemed far longer ; it seemed like a lifetime . `` then i do n't understand why simon was so insistent that i call you . '' cassie , however , was completely aware of his motivation . `` i 'm afraid ... well , the man i fell in love with is simon . '' there was a wealth of meaning in his short response . `` i guess it would be safe to say he does n't return your feelings ? '' cassie believed he did . `` apparently not , '' she said softly , hoping the pain she felt was n't obvious . `` i guess that explains why he urged me to contact you . 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`` it 'll give me a good deal of pleasure to assist you . '' the next thing she knew , chase had grabbed tony 's arm and steered him toward his parked car . lesley stood on the porch , her teeth sinking into her lower lip as she watched the unpleasant scene . she was furious and did n't know who with-chase or tony . both had behaved like children fighting on the playground . neither of them had shown any maturity in dealing with an awkward situation . the two men exchanged a few words at tony 's vehicle and it looked for a moment as if a fistfight was about to erupt . in the end , tony climbed inside his car and drove away . lesley was pacing her living room when chase entered the house . `` how could i what ? treat lover boy the way he deserved , you mean ? '' `` you were n't any better than he was ! i expected more from you , chase . the least you could 've done was ... was be civil about the whole thing . instead you acted like a jealous lover . '' her anger had created an energy within her that could n't be ignored . `` did you want to talk to him alone ? '' `` then what did you expect me to do ? '' `` something different than strong-arming him . '' `` you sound like you wanted to invite him in for tea and then sit around discussing this like civilized adults . '' `` that would 've been better than a shouting match on my front porch . the two of you behaved as though i was a prize baseball card you both wanted . tony had traded me away and now he wants me back and you were n't about to see that happen . '' chase went still . `` to be handed back to tony ? '' `` no , of course it is n't ! '' `` he ca n't stand the thought of losing you . '' `` he 's the one who ended the relationship , not me . it 's over , chase . '' chase walked to the window and stared outside . he did n't speak for a long time and seemed to be weighing his thoughts . `` you ... you told me once that you had a problem with a woman playing one man against another , '' she said . `` i 'm not doing that , chase . you 're the man i 'm marrying , not tony . '' `` you love him , '' chase said , turning to face her , `` although he does n't deserve your devotion . you could have lied to me about your feelings , but you have n't and i 'm grateful . '' `` i do n't trust tony , '' she said , `` but i trust you . '' `` you might not trust him , but you want to believe him , do n't you ? '' it does n't matter if i do , does it ? i 've already agreed to marry you , and i 'm not backing out . '' she refused to do to chase what tony had done to her . she would n't push him aside in favor of tony 's promises . chase was right ; tony had always been a sore loser , no matter what the stakes . chase said nothing for several minutes . `` the choice is yours , '' he finally said , `` and i 'll abide by whatever you decide . i want you , lesley . i 'm surprised by how much i desire you . if you agree to marry me , i promise you i 'll do my best to be a good husband . '' `` you make it sound like i have n't made up my mind . i 've already told you-and tony-that i have . i 'm going through with the wedding . '' `` it is n't too late to call it off . '' `` because you 're in love with tony , '' chase answered with dark , sober eyes focused on her . `` think about this very carefully , '' he advised and walked to her door . she was afraid tony would return and she did n't know what she 'd do if chase was n't there to buffer his effect on her . `` will you call me in the morning ? '' he did n't need to explain what he expected to hear . if she was willing to go through with the ceremony , she needed to let him know . `` i can tell you that right now , '' she said , folding her hands in an effort to keep from reaching for him . `` you might feel differently later . '' i promise you i wo n't . '' the desperate quality of her voice was all the answer he seemed to need . he came over to her , placed his hands on her shoulders and drew her into his arms . `` i should n't touch you , but i ca n't make myself leave without kissing you goodbye . forgive me for that , lesley . '' his last words were whispered as he lowered his mouth to hers . the kiss was filled with a longing and a hunger that left her breathless and yearning for more .	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with a soft growl , he braced one hand on the ground and gripped her shoulder with the other , anchoring her in place as he pumped into her , his breath coming in quick gasps , his large body looming over her and partly blocking the rain . but he did n't block all the rain , and she tasted it on her mouth and felt the cold drops pattering against her arms and legs as the center of her body became an inferno . she lifted her hps to join in the rhythmic dance as he pumped relentlessly , creating a friction that threatened to make her mindless with pleasure . her cries grew in volume as her clix bore down on her . the rain was no longer cold . the leaves and mud beneath her writhing body grew warm and welcoming . she melded into the forest floor below and roarke 's body above . when she came , her wild cry was filled with triumphant joy . roarke 's bellow of male satisfaction was followed with one last powerful thrust before his big body shuddered and was still . mud oozed up through the leaves and caressed abby 's hot skin . she urged roarke down , wanting his weight pressing her deeper , connecting her to the earth in a way she 'd never felt before . it was magic , and she knew that . she also knew that without roarke , she might never find it again . when the red haze began to clear from roarke 's passion-soaked brain , he groaned . lifting his weight from abby , he gazed down at her . `` that was inexcusable , throwing you to the ground and taking you like that . i- '' `` but i loved it . '' `` but you 're a mess ! you have mud and leaves and pine needles everywhere , and if there were any rocks under the leaves , no telling how many bruises you might have . '' to his total amazement , she began to laugh , sounding giddy as a teenager . `` i doubt there was a single rock , and even if i end up being black and blue , i owe you more than you 'll ever know for giving me an experience i might never have had otherwise . '' i may not ever be serious again . '' she reached up and grabbed his face in both hands . `` roarke , thank you for ravishing me like that . all i 've ever known about sex pales in comparison with what just happened . '' he could feel the mud on her hands being transferred to his face , but he did n't care . her reaction was at once both wonderful and unsettling . `` you 're not upset with me ? you do n't think i 'm some kind of brute ? '' she caressed his cheeks , smearing the mud . `` but i suppose we could both use a little cleanup . i just got mud all over your face . '' he was having trouble categorizing this experience . it should have put her off , and instead she 'd reacted in a way that was almost were in nature . humans were n't supposed to like lying in the muck while havg sx . `` you look like a scotsman about to go off to battle , '' she said . you 're the one i 'm concerned about . '' if she 'd express some dismay at his behavior , he could get his bearings . then he turned her so he could see her back . abby , i did n't mean for- '' `` you could help wash me off . '' he was n't sure where to start . she had mud and leaves in her braid , which was nearly undone , and plastered on her back , her bottom , and the backs of her thighs . she 'd be within her rights to ream him a new one , and yet ... she seemed to have enjoyed every bit of his rutting behavior . as she stood there , the rain had some effect on her condition , but not enough . he needed containers of water he could pour over her hair and her back . if he brought out their two cooking pots , he could collect the water and do a better job . and he could use his camp towel , too . i 'll get some stuff . '' he grabbed everything as quickly as possible , stopping long enough to grab a small plastic bottle of shampoo he saw sticking out of her backpack . then he rushed back out . she would be fine out there on her own for a minute or two , but he was becoming more protective now that they 'd made love . no , they 'd had sex , he told himself sternly . it was great , but it was still just sex . or it had been until he 'd lost his mind and taken her right there on the ground , in the pouring rain , sliding on wet leaves , squishing in the mud . it had been ... monumentally good . he might as well admit that to himself , even if he curbed his reaction when discussing it with her . he dashed back out of the cave and came to a screeching halt at the sight that greeted him . abby stood in the rain , arms outstretched , hair loose , face lifted to the rain .	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andra looked between the three men and took a half step closer to paul . i gave at the office , '' she told the men . tynan shot her a fabulous , model-beautiful smile full of white teeth . `` it 's painless . `` that 's what all the vampires say , '' she told him . `` lovely creature . i do hope your sister is like you . we could use a little humor to lighten up the place . all these stodgy old theronai are about as much fun as a funeral . '' joseph let out a low growl of warning . `` back off , leech . '' but you and i , dear , we could have plenty of fun together . '' tynan 's voice dripped with promise . he took a step nearer andra , and another . paul unsheathed his sword and held the nak*d blade in front of tynan 's too-pretty neck . `` not one step farther , '' he warned the sanguinar . tynan held up his hands in surrender , but it was n't his hands that were dangerous . it was his icy blue eyes-the kind that would mesmerize prey and hold them still while he fed . those eyes were fixed firmly on andra and she was n't looking away . `` apparently this is a bad time , '' said tynan . `` anytime is a bad time for you to suck my woman 's blood , '' said paul . `` i 'll just leave and come back when she 's more willing . i 'm sure her sister will hold out that long . '' `` you can help nika ? '' she held out her arms as if letting him choose which one looked tastier . `` take as much as you want . just help her . '' tynan 's eyes brightened with hunger . `` so generous . your sister is lucky to have you . '' paul tightened his grip on the sword . `` he wants ni ka 's blood , too , andra . '' `` he ca n't have it . he 'll have to take mine instead . '' `` that 's not the way it works , lovely , '' said tynan . `` i 'll need hers , too . '' `` logan said she 's too weak . '' `` i 'm not logan . my skills are far greater than his , which is why i 'm here now . '' you all elected me leader and you 're damn well going to accept that leadership , because i 'm sure as hell not doing this job for the fun of it . '' paul stared at joseph , stunned . this outburst was n't like him at all . `` now , '' joseph said . `` tynan is going to take a little-and i mean a little-of andra 's blood so we can try to figure out where she came from . paul , you 're going to just sit there and take it . and , tynan , if i sense even the slightest hint of magic coming off of you , i 'm going to cut off your closest appendage with my sword-likely your head . you can get your leech buddies to reattach it , if you think they 're good enough . '' paul looked at andra , ignoring joseph 's orders . he did n't care if they cast him out for defiance . she was his to protect , and he was not going to be forsworn the day after he made the vow to do so . he stepped in front of her so that she could see only him . `` are you really going to allow tynan to take some of your blood ? we can fight them . '' andra 's blue eyes widened in surprise . those are our only two options . '' `` we ca n't fight these guys . they 're the good guys . `` though 'good ' may be stretching it a bit . we are on the same side of the war , if that 's what you mean . '' besides , he 's the one who 's going to help nika . '' `` i will do whatever i can , '' said tynan . andra pulled in a deep breath and said to tynan , `` it 's okay . take some blood from me , but there 'd damn well better be juice and cookies waiting for me when you 're done . '' andra was beginning to dislike the vampires almost as much as paul and madoc seemed to . if this kept up , she was going to be sucked dry before the week was out . paul stood over her , his hand on his sword , while andra sat at the kitchen table next to tynan . joseph had excused himself to deal with some kind of emergency , warning tynan to tread carefully . `` i promise this wo n't hurt , '' said tynan as he leaned forward . `` touch her neck and you die right here , '' warned paul . andra looked up at him and could n't help but stare .	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a second later , the sharp sting from my chin interrupted the pleasant sensation . i could hear the cut bubbling . im sorry , but you have to clean the wound out . while he continued to press the cloth to my face , he tilted his head and studied me . as his roving eyes scanned back and forth , it felt like his gaze was actually touching my skin . the medicine stung a little deeper . i dont like that stinging and those weird popping sounds . dont you have something else ? hey , im helping you out . and what were you expecting ? some bactine and a barbie band-aid . you could show a little more compassion . he made a boyish , crooked grin . well maybe if you hold still for once , ill give you a boo-boo kiss . my eyes widened and my chest heaved in an odd mix of embarrassment and exhilaration . no boy had ever even tried to kiss mei suspected fear of my dad kept them all far away . i realized jake being new to our town had no clue who my father was . you shouldnt say things like that to a girllady . it shouldnt hurt as bad now . he focused back on my chin . i can still hear that popping sound . with his attention focused on my chin , he casually answered , the hydrogen peroxide is interacting with your bodys catalase enzymes . theyre breaking down into water and oxygen . what youre hearing is the oxygen gas being released . my eyes flew wide open as i stared at him in shock . he looked like a boy caught with his hand in a cookie jar . i made a one-eyed squint . well , ive blown it . anyways , what did you think i was ? nothing but a dumb hick who lives in a trailer ? no , i countered and shook my head . yet i had to admitbased on his appearance and where he livedthat was exactly what i had thought . i exhaled , and then slowly i nodded . i thought you were nothing but a poor , dumb hick . he retracted his head , clearly not expecting that answer . youre honest , arent you ? sometimes , i sighed , to a fault . he placed his hands down on either side of the sink and leaned in . his soft brown eyes searched my face . so tell me , now that gabes not herewhy did you jump into that fight ? i stifled a nervous cough . he lowered his head and peeked one eye up at me . was it to save me ? nowell , yes . i was concerned you were seriously hurt . so youd do that for anyone ? he gave me another quick peek under his thick eyebrows . so it wasnt because you thought i was cute or anything ? no , i quickly retorted . just because im a girl doesnt mean i cant have a white-knight complex , if you must know . youre complex all right . i squeezed my fist trying to stop myself from blushing . slowly , he twisted the cover back on the bottle . so youre like princess artemisia . artemisia . she was a princess who fought alongside her troops in battle . rather rare for a woman to do 2500 years ago . his handsome face was open and friendly . she was pretty tough too . fought alongside king xerxes . i never heard of a princess who was sort of badass . not exactly the word i was looking for . but accurate . he made a half-crooked smile . mostly obscure books . he flashed a quick peek at my reaction . the kind the library sells for a buck-a-book in those little rolling carts at the front door . i nodded as i studied him . jake was turning into a very different person than the one i had imagined . he seemed like such a clich bad-boy at first glance but the more i got to know him i realized how superficial my first impression had been . as something swirled inside of me , the energy in the room grew . nervously i swallowed . do you want a band-aid ? i think i used my last pink barbie one this morning , but my brother might have a green camo one left . funny , i smirked , and then pulled back trying to put some space between us , but i think ill cover it with a little makeup . suit yourself , but i bet youd look darn cute with one right across that adorable chin of yours . all the double dates id gone on were with gangly , goofy teen boys who were completely unsure of themselves . jake wasnt like that at all . he was self-assured and very intense . the way he looked at me unnerved and thrilled me all at once . unsure of what the heck i was feeling , i went on offense . you know it really freaked me out hearing your jaw crack like that . i honestly thought you were seriously hurt . i examined his black shirt , but the color made it impossible to see if there were any dried bloodstains ; the only visible injuries i could see were his roughed up knuckles .	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nicole settled into her seat , but hopped up when she felt something . reaching beneath her , she pulled out a lego spaceship . after getting in and closing his door , mark said , `` oh , sorry , put it in here . '' he opened the center compartment . `` i swear toys multiply . it does n't matter how many you take out of the car , there are always more . '' nicole had dressed casually for the trip , following stephan 's lead . there was something incredibly freeing about not worrying about being perfectly manicured every moment of the day . mark asked , `` different from what you 're used to ? '' nicole adjusted the strap across her shoulder and said , `` yes , but in a good way . '' as mark started the car , stephan said , `` we 're staying at the ... '' `` no , '' mark countered . `` maddy canceled that reservation after i spoke with her . we have n't seen you in years , the kids are excited to meet the mysterious man who sends them presents , and kayla aired out the guest room for you . '' stephan leaned forward between the seats , his tone firm , `` that 's nice , but nicole would probably be more comfortable in the hotel . '' sure , blame me . nicole crossed her jean clad legs and smiled sweetly at stephan . `` i 'm ok with staying with your friends . '' stephan sat back with a frustrated growl . `` you 've got the rest of your lives to chase each other around hotel rooms . you 're coming home with us . '' the topic was closed for further debate . nicole wanted to turn in her seat to see stephan 's expression , but she did n't . she was too busy trying to figure out how she felt about the change in plans . on one hand , she could n't have hoped for more than the warm welcome stephan 's friends had extended to both of them . on the other hand , she sympathized with the lack of enthusiasm emanating from stephan . the promise of a steamy weekend getaway was disappearing as quickly as the airport behind them . mark checked in on his friend with his rearview mirror . `` ah , the angst of new love . you 'll live stephan . '' stephan threatened , `` payback will come tomorrow when i run your new boat into a sandbar . '' unimpressed by the threat , mark included nicole in his joke . `` he says that like it would n't happen anyway . luckily , he can afford to replace it . how many things did you borrow and break when you used to stay with us in palo alto ? '' `` everything you bought was old , '' stephan said in amused defense . `` yeah , because kayla was on a save-the-world-through-extreme-recycling kick . it took a while to convince her that some new things might be easier on the environment . '' `` at least my sailboat is new . '' `` i saw pictures of it online . fifty footer , right ? it looked sweet , '' stephan said . i had to promise kayla i 'd host a fundraiser every year that i own it . my boat is n't fast , but i lose every race in style . '' stephan chuckled , then said , `` you 've never asked me for a donation , mark . mark said , `` we 're grateful that you 've always supported our causes , stephan , but we 'd rather see you . i thought for sure this was another year that you 'd ignore the invitation . '' stephan said , `` i ... '' mark interrupted , `` you do n't have to explain . so am i. nicole thought as she listened to the two men . stephan looked years younger when his face relaxed and he laughed with his old friend . sitting on a wooden adirondack chair on the back deck of the allen home , nicole took a moment to appreciate her surroundings . the house was middle class utopia - a four bedroom raised ranch , two baths , inground pool on a two-acre lot . upon arrival , as if on cue , a yellow labrador had bounded around the corner of the house to greet them with a tennis ball in his mouth . a moment later , two children - a boy and girl also came running from the backyard , kyle and kara - eight year old twins . kayla , mark 's wife , joined everyone on the front lawn a moment later . she completed the postcard perfect family . like her husband , she was casually dressed - jeans , t-shirt , sandals . she appeared effortlessly confident , comfortable , and successful . the couple was well known both in california and in washington , but you 'd never guess it from their modest lifestyle . kayla hugged stephan like a long lost brother , then turned to give nicole a warm welcome . after introducing the children , she 'd herded everyone into the house .	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with every suck , he pushed deeper , groaning with the ecstasy of it , gulping in desperate breaths of air filled with the scents of sex and honeysuckle . she began to writhe and mewl in a show of such wanton craving , he would wonder later how he managed to work inside her completely without coming at the midway point . finally , with a last desperate lunge , he hit the end of her , the sensation of being balls-deep inside her enough to make his eyes tear . amelia cried out as montoya 's hot , heavy length finally struck deep . a flare of torturous relief spread outward from the aching spot inside her that begged to be rubbed , and then coiled tight again . when he held still , she struggled , circling her hips , grinding against the root of his shaft . the growl that left him was more animal than human , and her body shivered in response , spurred to greater lust by the sound . he held her still with powerful hands , his gaze burning from within the eyeholes of the mask . his beautiful mouth was hard , his jaw taut . `` why wo n't you move ? '' `` because i am about to blow , and i refuse to go without you . '' `` i am ready ! '' her voice was high with her distress , her womb clenching and tightening in a way that was nearly painful . with effortless strength , he scooped her up and lifted to his knees , impaling her deeper on the rock-hard length of his cock . amelia clung to his broad shoulders , her mouth suckling across the salty , whisker-roughened expanse of his throat . the room spun as he rearranged their positions , every movement sliding her over him until she bit him in retaliation for her sexual frustration . montoya cursed and pushed her away from him . `` ride , '' he said roughly . he sat on the edge of the bed , her legs astride his , his erection buried deep . canting his arms back , he supported his torso and gave her full access to use him as she willed . the display he made was searingly erotic , his abdomen laced tight with muscle , his furred chest damp with sweat . dear god , the mask added a dark , alluring mystery that urged her to recklessness . `` i- '' `` now ! '' her shoulders went back and her chin lifted in answer to his challenge . she thought this must be difficult for him for reasons she had not considered before . he made love with the expertise of a man who had his choice of women , which suggested the marring of his face might have been a recent event . perhaps she was the first woman to welcome him to her bed since the injury was inflicted . the thought added poignancy to an already remarkable event . amelia decided in that moment that she would love him well , with all that she had , better than any other woman ever could . she would reach for the turmoil she sensed inside him and soothe it with her passion , showing him with her body that it was his heart that lured her to him . setting her hands on his shoulders for balance , she pushed onto her knees and lifted , sliding her sex upward along the length of him . when she lowered , the feel of the broad head of his cck stroking over that quivering spot inside her made her gasp and shake violently . `` that 's it , '' he praised in a dark whisper , watching her through thick black lashes . `` see how well i fit you ? i was made for your pleasure . '' biting her lower lip , she repeated the movement , venturing slowly as she found the way of it . her thumb brushed across a scar that marred his shoulder , the wound so old , it had long since turned silver . she caressed it as she undulated , feeling the circular shape surrounded by ragged edges . in the back of her mind the injury bothered her , prodded at her ... then he spoke , and everything else scattered from her mind . `` sweet amelia . amelia rose and wrapped her arms around his torso , tilting her head to fit her mouth over his , lifting and falling , moaning at the feel of her swollen nples brushing across the light dusting of coarse hair on his chest . claiming him as he claimed her . montoya thrust one hand into her tresses , holding her close as he murmured encouragement into her mouth , his hps circling beneath her in breathtaking thrusts , stealing her wits . stealing her heart . as she gained confidence , she moved faster , breathing hard from her exertions , drops of sweat trickling down between her bouncing br**sts . `` i want you this way daily . '' his words were heavy , slurred with pleasure . `` i want you to feel empty when i am not inside you . starved for me . '' amelia knew it would be that way . she was mindless with lust , grinding , writhing , pumping onto his thick , straining erection as if she had done this before . as if she knew what she was doing .	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`` kingsborough ! '' a deep voice called from behind him . anthony turned to find lucien marvaine , the earl of roxberry , striding toward him , accompanied by the lovely lady crossby , recently widowed , a particularly sad affair , since she 'd been left alone with the couple 's six-month-old daughter , sophia . anthony smiled as they approached . he 'd always gotten on well with roxberry . he had an adventurous streak that anthony found particularly entertaining . stepping forward , he was just about to voice his own greeting when from the corner of his eye he saw a flash of movement and then two things occurred at once . anthony turned his head to see daniel neville dancing his way toward him with a lady he did not recognize . they were just coming up beside lady crossby and roxberry when another firework exploded , a loud bang sounded and neville 's dance partner screamed . all else forgotten , anthony ran forward to where neville stood , his eyes wide open in shock as he held the limp lady in his arms . his eyes met anthony 's in a frantic plea for help . `` someone shot her . someone bloody shot her ! '' seeing the red patch of blood at the lady 's shoulder , anthony knew he was right . `` get her on the ground , '' he said as he removed his jacket for her to lie on . next , he undid his cravat , bundled it into a tight wad and shoved it toward neville , who was now kneeling at the lady 's side together with roxberry , winston and casper , who 'd all come to offer their assistance . `` put this on her wound , add some pressure , and try to stop the bleeding . winston , i 'm leaving you in charge here while i try to find out what the devil happened . '' without a backward glance , anthony started toward the steps leading up to the terrace . the majority of his guests were still congregated there , gazing up at the sky in expectation of the next firework , oblivious to the fact that a woman had just been shot . taking the steps two at a time , anthony quickly reached the terrace . he stopped to look around , searching the crowd for any sign of a perpetrator . whoever had fired the pistol would have had to stand right at the edge of the terrace , up against the railing where the crowd was most dense . signaling a footman , he told the man to alert the guards and close off all the exits . he then pushed his way past the first few people and made his way toward the front , looking around as he went , but nothing struck him as strange or unusual . whoever he was looking for had probably run off already . seeing lord frompton , anthony patted him on the shoulder , drawing his attention . `` there 's been an incident . one of my guests-a woman , to be precise-has been shot . '' `` good lord , '' frompton muttered . i left my brother and a few others to tend to her while i went in search of the villain . the lady in question was shot in the shoulder as she was turned in this direction , indicating that whoever did it must have been standing up here amongst the rest of you . did you happen to see anything unusual ? someone 's sudden departure ? '' frompton shook his head . `` i 'm afraid not , but i 'll help you look . i 'll just inform my wife . '' grateful for the extra bit of assistance the earl offered , anthony gave him a curt nod before making his way over to one of the stone benches that lined the periphery of the terrace . climbing up , he scanned the crowd again , but nobody was in a hurry to depart . in all likelihood , the would-be assassin had already left the grounds . jumping down , anthony marched toward the doors leading back inside the ballroom . `` do n't let anyone else in , '' he ordered the footman that he 'd stationed there , `` unless they 're a member of this household . '' back inside , he did n't break his stride as he glanced briefly at the orchestra-nothing out of place there . hurrying onward , he ran up the grand staircase leading up to the foyer , saying , `` did someone else just come this way , phelps ? '' to the startled butler . `` a lady , my lord , about ten minutes ago . she 'll be long gone by now though-her carriage was ready and waiting . '' one of my guests has been shot . '' at this phelps blanched . `` please dispatch two footmen to fetch the constable along with doctor harper . '' `` yes , your grace , '' phelps said stiffly as he turned about and hurried off .	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half-conscious , he reached to smooth my hair away from his nose ; i felt the sudden jerk as he came awake to realize that i was there , and then we overbalanced and crashed together onto the floor , jamie on top of me . i did n't have the slightest doubt that he was solid flesh . i pushed a knee into his abdomen , grunting . instead , he aggravated my breathless condition by kissing me thoroughly . i ignored the lack of oxygen temporarily in order to concentrate on more important things . we held each other for a long time without speaking . at last he murmured `` why ? `` -his mouth muffled in my hair . i kissed his cheek , damp and salty . i could feel his heart beating against my ribs , and wanted nothing more than to stay there forever , not moving , not making love , just breathing the same air . `` you do n't know how close it was . the hot baths nearly won . '' and i wept then , and shook a little , because the choice was so freshly made , and because my joy for the man i held in my arms was mingled with a tearing grief for the man i would never see again . jamie held me tightly , pressing me down with his weight , as though to protect me , to save me from being swept away by the roaring pull of the stone circle . at length my tears were spent , and i lay exhausted , head against his comforting chest . it had grown altogether dark by this time , but still he held me , murmuring softly as though i were a child afraid of the night . we clung to each other , unwilling to let go even long enough to start a fire or light a candle . at length jamie rose , and picking me up , carried me to the settle , where he sat with me cradled on his lap . the door of the cottage still hung open , and we could see the stars beginning to burn over the valley below . `` do you know , '' i said drowsily , `` that it takes thousands and thousands of years for the light of those stars to reach us ? in fact , some of the stars we see may be dead by now , but we wo n't know it , because we still see the light . '' he answered , stroking my back . `` i didna know that . '' i must have fallen asleep , head on his shoulder , but roused briefly when he laid me gently on the floor , on a makeshift bed of blankets from the horse 's saddleroll . he lay down beside me , and drew me close again . `` lay your head , lass , '' he whispered . `` in the morning , i 'll take ye home . '' we rose just before dawn , and were on the downward trail when the sun rose , eager to leave craigh na dun . `` where are we going , jamie ? '' i asked , rejoicing that i could look forward into a future that held him , even as i left behind the last chance of returning to the man who had-who would ? once love me . jamie reined in the horse , pausing to look over his shoulder for a moment . the forbidding circle of standing stones was invisible from here , but the rocky hillside seemed to rise impassable behind us , bristling with boulders and gorse bushes . from here , the crumbling husk of the cottage looked like one more crag , a bony knuckle jutting from the granite fist of the hill . `` i wish i could have fought him for you , '' he said abruptly , looking back at me . his blue eyes were dark and earnest . i smiled at him , touched . `` it was n't your fight , it was mine . but you won it anyway . '' i reached out a hand , and he squeezed it . `` aye , but that 's not what i meant . if i 'd fought him man to man and won , ye 'd not need to feel any regret over it . '' `` if ever- '' `` there are n't any more ifs , '' i said firmly . `` i thought of every one of them yesterday , and here i still am . '' `` thank god , '' he said , smiling , `` and god help you . '' then he added , `` though i 'll never understand why . '' i put my arms around his waist and held on as the horse slithered down the last steep slope . `` because , '' i said , `` i bloody well ca n't do without you , jamie fraser , and that 's all about it . now , where are you taking me ? '' jamie twisted in his saddle , to look back up the slope . `` i prayed all the way up that hill yesterday , '' he said softly . `` not for you to stay ; i didna think that would be right . i prayed i 'd be strong enough to send ye away . '' he shook his head , still gazing up the hill , a faraway look in his eyes . `` i said 'lord , if i 've never had courage in my life before , let me have it now . let me be brave enough not to fall on my knees and beg her to stay . 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she hated herself for it , but right now mr. director of social media , a guy who had , apparently , just gotten the job she had spent the better part of two years trying to prepare for , was stealing her parking spot , too . all he needed to do next was piss on her skirt and he could achieve the trifecta of humiliation . and a part of her liked it . `` you are telling me that hr gave you the director 's job and handed off my parking spot ? '' the voice that came out of her sounded foreign . she brushed a stray lock of her dark-brown hair and wished she 'd spent more time on her appearance this morning . after a quick yoga session she just showered , threw her hair in a quick up-do , and tossed on her version of administrative business casual : a loose , flowing j. jill outfit she got off the clearance rack and her ancient danskins . she looked like a preschool teacher at a posh tot place instead of an ambitious , up-and-coming corporate do-bee vying for the director of - ah , hell . he pulled back and smiled , a look of triumph and mischief on his face . and i did n't even have to buy you a coffee . '' `` because you seemed to be a bit slow there , and i figured it might be caffeine deprivation . it is 7:30 a.m. , after all . '' half his mouth turned up in a grin as his brow furrowed . `` then again , maybe i interrupted you at the wrong time during your reading . '' biting his upper lip , mr. asshole matt jones had the balls to hide a laugh . as if she were supposed to be embarrassed reading fifty shades . as if she cared what he thought . as if she were anastasia steele . as if - `` let me clear a few things up for you , matt , '' she announced . the real lydia , the one who did n't take shit like this . `` first of all , i do n't care what hr did with the parking situation . i wo n't take your word for it , because for all i know you 're some creepy guy pulling a scam on me and if i get out of my car you 'll take me to your dug out hole and lower lotion to me in a bucket , and three months from now you 'll mail dehydrated parts of my body to my mother . '' `` second , if you really are the director of social media , kicking your direct report out of her parking spot when you have n't even started your first day of work shows such extraordinarily terrible business instinct that i suspect you wo n't be around long enough to qualify for the matching 401k funding through your precious head office . '' eyebrows arched , now he did lean away . and cross his arms . staring her down ? she stared right back , working too hard to control her breath , trying not to let him see how rattled she was . he looked like a young anderson cooper . but straight . oh please let him be straight , she thought , then mentally slapped herself . he leaned in the window and reached for a strand of her hair . chianti and fava beans are n't on the menu . and if i were going to turn you into something edible , i would n't choose a dehydrator as my electronic item of choice . '' his eyes surveyed her body , not with wanton lust or the gaudy need of a complete jerk , but with a practiced eye , taking his time as if he were the king of the world . as if he owned her . as if he owned his time . and boy did he take it , seeming to document her full brsts , her nipped waist , the tight skirt that stretched across her knees in her seat , shoes kicked off and hose covering her pedicured toes . she could feel him note the seam of her panties , like a collector of fine wines , or of horses , as if she were a specimen . the v between her brsts pinkened , her lungs filled with the scent of his skin , as if eager to inhale his dust , the lines between his eyes , the light freckles on his cheeks , the intelligence in his irises . he was cataloging her . taking inventory . until her own , defiant gaze caught his and she realized he was n't objectifying her . she was letting herself think that , but what this guy , this matt jones , this interloper and usurper of jobs , was really doing was appreciating her . and that was way , way more threatening than being demeaned . `` see you at the office - and do n't forget to wash your hands when you 're done with that . '' he let go of her lock and pointed at the book . turning on one heel , he sauntered off , his tight ass evoking a swoon in her that nearly made her growl with impotent rage and lust . the day was not going well at all as she stewed in her red car of pain .	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the rich aroma of chocolate chip cookies hit my nose when we reached the back screen door and my stomach responded with a hungry noise . mamma always made them from scratch with freshly shelled walnuts , thick chunks of hersheys chocolate and in daddys words , a dollop of love . she was on the phone with her back to me and , judging from the decibel level of her voice , i surmised that she was talking to my sister in georgia . the intensity of mammas voice always increased coordinately with the distance of the person she was chatting with . it had been that way ever since i could remember , even after communication satellites and fiber optic cable brought opposite sides of the world together without a hint of static . if she was talking in hushed tones when i was growing up , i knew that our next door neighbor , miss rose , was on the receiving end . if she was to the point of near yelling , i knew that it was miss nellie , a family friend who lived in germany . hey , there little girl ! daddy said , sneaking up on me with a bear hug . it was a term of endearment that he used on both me and my sister and it always made each of us feel special even though we were twins and it was a shared nickname . i returned the hug , aware that if i clung to him any longer , hed want to know what was wrong . we each took a step back to examine each other . he looked and smelled just like he did the last time id seen him . thick white hair that was shaved to a near crew cut status and just slightly thinning on top , closely cropped mustache , dark eyebrows , tanned skin , trim build and the rich scent of cherry pipe tobacco hanging on his clothes . hed recently turned sixty and was the only person i knew who looked forward to his annual physical exam . it wasnt going through the motions of the doctors visit that he enjoyed , but rather bragging to mamma about all of his numbers afterward . he could talk cholesterol , triglycerides and glucose levels like a pro . before i had a chance to say anything to daddy , his mother appeared behind him . how delightful to see you , dear ! my grandmother was a tiny woman with long manicured nails and a head of big white hair that defies gravity . i was surprised to see her since i hadnt known she was visiting , too . hi , granny , i said giving her a hug . its great to see you , too ! but , im carly . jennys in atlanta . my birth certificate lists my official name as carolyn annabelle stone , but ive been called carly since i can remember . apparently , i had a head of curly hair right out of the womb and daddys nickname curly morphed into carly when my hair decided to straighten out at age two . of course youre carly , she said , reaching up and giving my cheek a fond pinch . it was a much stronger pinch than she looked capable of giving . i gave myself a similar pinch on the other cheek to make sure their color matched . your grandmother has come to live with us , daddy explained . i felt my jaw drop and when no words came out of my mouth , i closed it . two strong-willed southern womenwith differing opinions on everything from how to make chicken bog to the proper way to prune a rosebushwere residing in the same house ? you look beautiful as always , jenny , granny told me , running a spotted hand through my hair , pushing the bangs out of my eyes . hows that darling boy of yours ? your grandmother has gotten a bit forgetful , daddy whispered into my ear . im carly , granny , i told her again . although my sister was a twin , we werent identical twins . and i dont have any kids , whereas jenny has already produced a clan of three . well , of course youre early , granny said . youre not the type to run late . and a bit hard of hearing , daddy added under his breath . i shot him a questioning look . the concept of my vibrant grandmother growing forgetful or hard of hearing was difficult for me to accept . the last time id seen her , we conspired to write a best-selling cookbook , taken a yoga class and broken into an abandoned cemetery in search of what she was convinced was the location of blackbeards buried loot . but that was before i moved north . apparently , a lot had changed in the year id been gone . from charleston , her home in wilmington , north carolina was less than a four-hour drive ; it was an easy weekend trip and i saw her often . but since id entered roberts world , i realized now , id all but cut off my family . sure , id made my weekly phone calls , but in retrospect the conversation was always one-sided . id talk about robert and his job and our neighbors , as though giving a report . but phone calls are one thing , and spending time face-to-face is another .	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his touch was like a drug . `` i want to rip his arms from his body so he ca n't touch you again . '' a low , familiar growl vibrated against my back . `` but i ca n't have you , pagan . you 're not meant for me . '' his voice sounded tortured . he 'd claimed me too . somehow , he 'd walked into my world and become the center of it . he was all i wanted . i started to tell him just how much he meant to me when he picked me up and laid me carefully on the bed , hovering over me . i reached up to him wanting to feel his body against mine again but he pulled away . dank closed his eyes tightly as if he were in pain . `` i ca n't , pagan . it would destroy us both . '' chapter eight leif kissed my cheek before leaving me at the door of my english literature class . i 'd started riding to school with him every morning . each morning it had been increasingly more difficult to leave the presence of dank and walk into the realness of leif . after sleeping with dank 's voice singing in my ear all night , i seemed to crave his presence even more . an intimacy now existed between us . after having his hands on my body and his lips against my skin , nothing had been the same . he 'd lain down beside me last night and held me against him as i fell asleep . i needed dank . the words he whispered in my ear at night assured me he wanted me too . he needed me but he was letting some unseen barrier stand between us . i started over to my desk when i noticed the one behind it remained empty . it was dank 's usual spot . i settled into my desk and went ahead and found where we had left off on friday . every time i saw someone step in the door from my peripheral vision i glanced up to see if it was dank . kendra 's bubbly voice and bouncing blond head came through the door , and he followed her , carrying her books . my gut twisted into a painful knot . he 'd said he did n't like blonds yesterday but the way he gazed down at her affectionately said something else entirely . i stared down at the open book in front of me , not taking in any of the words . i was waiting for dank to sit down behind me . mr. brown walked into the room whistling and smiled at the class . `` ah , good to see such excited faces this morning . is n't english literature a joy ? what better way to wake up ? '' he turned and wrote this week 's assignment on the board . i wanted to glance back and see where dank sat today but i refused to let myself . i could feel him staring at me , no doubt waiting to see if i would search for him . well , i would n't give him the satisfaction . besides , he was probably playing with those long blond locks of hair he claimed to hate . he 'd whispered that he wanted me . that i was the only one he 'd ever needed . `` can anyone tell me one of the major themes we learned while studying the eumeides ? '' wanting desperately to get my mind off of dank , i held my hand in the air . mr. brown smiled and nodded , `` alright then , miss moore . '' `` conflict between the old and the new , between savagery and civilization , between the primal and the rational , '' i replied and mr. brown clapped his hands . now , an example of this theme ? '' he glanced around the room and i raised my hand again . mr. brown raised his eyebrows , no doubt in surprise at my sudden desire to join in on class participation . `` the progression of old to new gods . zeus overthrew the older generations of gods , and among those ancient deities were the furies . the furies became outcasts . '' i stopped , not wanting to go any further . `` good , good , very good . now , can someone other than pagan please explain where apollo fell into this ? '' the room went quiet and someone giggled . `` kendra maybe you could help us out with an answer , '' mr. brown aimed his frown back toward the apparent source of the giggle . `` no sir , i have a life outside school work . not all of us spend all of our extra time studying and tutoring in order to snag a boyfriend . '' another burst of giggles erupted and mr. brown tilted his head to one side . `` i do n't believe that 's the proper answer , kendra , you 'll receive a low mark for today 's participation . now , can anyone else tell me or shall i ask miss . moore again to help us out ? '' `` apollo is a symbol for the male , the rational , the young , and the civilized . the furies represent the female , the violent , the old , and the primal .	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free read at smashwords ~smashwords.com/books/view/391592~ ~~~~~~ solara gordon ~solaragordon.wordpress.com~ blurbs : tina 's treasures tina davidson cant avoid being set up with a date for her best friends costume-themed wedding shower . when two dates dressed as pirates show up claiming to be her date for the evening , tina begins wondering what buried treasures she may uncover before the nights over . jon smithson and drake cranston are ready to act on their shared attraction . jon and drake have failed at a shared relationship before . theyre ready to try again , this time with tina . tinas had her share of failed affairs too . is she ready to put her bad relationships behind her and give love another chance ? brought together by their friends wedding turned elopement , the three find their mutual desire growing . acting upon their desire and attraction is going to do more than heat things up . can two hunks , one lady , plus nights of passionate lovemaking create a lifelong future together ? [ mnage and more : erotic mnage a trois romance , m/f/m , light consensual bdsm , sex toys , hea ] ~bookstrand.com/tinas-treasures~ ~~~ hot for torrey torrey neadson wants more than physical intimacyshe wants love , connection , and the white picket fence . torrey blew the chance at having it all with holt addison , once . until he can connect with her on an emotional level , she 'll make do taking care of herself . holt doesnt want any more one-night stands . being friends with benefits with torrey became more and introduced him to a deeper relationship . the problem is torrey moved on before he could tell her . holt thought he could move on , too . can they overcome their unsettled past to become the real thing ? their respective friends want them back together , but torrey and holt have unresolved issues , and lingering feelings keep getting in the way . what starts out as botched setup date rapidly turns into days and nights full of surprises . [ siren classic : erotic contemporary romance , hea ] ~bookstrand.com/hot-for-torrey~ ~~~ jet lag blues who better to get snowed in with than your friends ? that 's what val swarter thinks until she finds herself sharing a king-size bed with her boyfriend , darryl swanson , and his best friend , mason cox . val has desired both mason and darryl for some time , and she knows the two men have shared threesomes before . none of them want to jeopardize their friendship , but when desire turns into a frank discussion of their true feelings , can these three figure out how to make the leap from a burning hot threesome to a lifelong triad of love ? [ polyamour : erotic contemporary multiple partner romance , m/f/m ] ~bookstrand.com/jet-lag-blues~ ~~~ red hot it isnt the flames or smoke that worry fire chief brent stephens . what worries him the most is the heat his libido keeps throwing off every time he gets near bunny kater . bunnys sworn off firemen , and intimacynever mind that shes worn out a vibrator or two along the waythat is , until she meets brent . turning forty , coupled with brents presence , awakens her isolated emotions in ways she isnt expecting . and hes younger than she is . brent is unsure of his growing interest in bunny . if his overly zealous male ego calms down , he might be able to understand why bunny affects him like she does . it would help if he could find his lust control switch and turn it down a few degrees , too . second chances happen once chance at a time , but brent isnt even sure theyre going to get a first one . [ siren classic : erotic contemporary romance , may-december , sex toys ] ~bookstrand.com/red-hot~ ~~~~~~ shapeshifter seductions authors turning into your wildest desire ~http : //shapeshifterseductions.blogspot.com~ # # # 21st century pirates inc.- book one . a holiday anthology volume 2 a collection of winter holiday tales exquisite quills complied by rose anderson for exquisite quills authors and friends a holiday anthology volume 2 a collection of winter holiday tales by exquisite quills authors and friends published by exquisite quills 2014 license notes rights to the individual work contained in this anthology are owned by the submitting authors and each has permitted their story 's use in this publication . this ebook may be shared provided it is done so it its entirety and the reader is not charged a fee to access it . copyright 2014 the authors retain their copyrights and are willingly sharing their work in this anthology . please respect their hard work and their copyrights .	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472], ["attraction", 483], ["fail", 511], ["failed", 511], ["relationship", 536], ["try", 565], ["tryed", 565], ["time", 583], ["share", 615], ["affair", 633], ["affairs", 633], ["put", 659], ["bad", 667], ["relationship", 681], ["relationships", 681], ["behind", 688], ["give", 701], ["love", 706], ["another", 714], ["chance", 721], ["chanced", 721], ["chancing", 721], ["bring", 731], ["brought", 731], ["together", 740], ["turn", 772], ["turned", 772], ["elopement", 782], ["three", 794], ["find", 799], ["mutual", 812], ["desire", 819], ["grow", 827], ["growest", 827], ["growing", 827], ["act", 836], ["acted", 836], ["acting", 836], ["upon", 841], ["go", 878], ["goest", 878], ["going", 878], ["heat", 899], ["heats", 899], ["heated", 899], ["thing", 906], ["things", 906], ["hunk", 925], ["hunks", 925], ["lady", 936], ["plus", 943], ["passionate", 964], ["create", 982], ["lifelong", 993], ["future", 1000], ["erotic", 1037], ["trois", 1051], ["romance", 1059], ["f", 1065], ["fs", 1065], 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`` medusa , you are truly one of athena 's most blessed priestesses . her rivalposeidonwould delight in snatching up such a prize . '' `` i understand , '' she replied dismally . what if you had called down the wrath of athena herself ? she may cherish your beauty and grace , but she would just as easily delight in the power of destroying it ! of seeing those qualities so loved crushed . you endangered us all . '' the priestess 's yell surprised them both . `` these rules can not be ignored . '' she continued with a strained calm . `` i ... i do n't know what came over me . '' tears formed in medusa 's eyes as she attempted to explain the inexplicable restlessness , the unavoidable pull toward the moon 's shining eye . the high priestess sat , her demeanor softening . `` the lure of the gods is tempting , '' she whispered , pushing the thick , golden hair away from medusa 's face . `` i can not express how terrible it would have been if you had been taken . our mighty goddess would be most displeased . '' `` yes , high priestess . '' her reply was no more than a whisper . `` you have done a terrible thing . however , i am prepared to be lenient on you . '' medusa 's shoulders relaxed in relief . `` no one ever need know of this offense as long as we have no more of this misbehavior . i admit i too have felt the temptation of the gods . their power and might are wondrous . '' the priestess sighed wistfully . `` you must not be fooled . to pursue the gods would mean to tread an unstable path , riddled with emotion and power we can not begin to comprehend . we are truly blessed to have the favor of the goddess ; it is something we cherish and must never lose . anyone could have witnessed your blasphemy . you do know the punishment ? '' `` yes , priestess , '' medusa replied , her thoughts flooding with the horrible stories she had heard of disobedient acolytes . let me never see you disobey again , '' the priestess warned with a strained smile . `` i would be most heartbroken to choose other than yourself to take my place . you know i look upon you as my own . '' with that , she briskly stood . `` now , take your rest and let us forget this incident , '' she advised , turning to leave . `` i saw something , '' medusa blurted suddenly . the priestess rested her hand on the doorknob to the chamber . in the eclipse . i was pulled upwards . then it just . all warmth evaporated from the priestess as she looked down upon medusa now . `` let us count you lucky then , that whomever , or whatever , had you lost interest . you must forget what your eyes have beheld . never speak of this again . '' `` good night then , '' the door snapped shut behind her . `` good night , high priestess . '' medusa sat with her thoughts as the dawning light warmed her room . try as she might , she could not dismiss all she had felt tonight , all she had seen . a deep yearning grew within her , a yearning to see the brilliant face in the moon . she could not shake the curve of that smile , the depth of those eyes . that night , medusa 's dreams were restlessfull of the dark shimmering depths of the moon and the inviting smile therein . she slept fitfully , but after some time found herself on the brink of rest . just then a soft voicea masculine voicecalled her name . it was soothing , gentle , and all too alluring . medusa woke with a start . she sat up in bed , still half in dreams as she looked around the room , listening . there was nothing but the sound of her startled breath . confused , she lay back , sure it was only a sleepy illusion . the voice from her dream was quick to wake her anew . again she sat straight and listened . when it called once more , she knew it was not morpheus 's doingthis voice clearly beckoned from the hallway outside her room . a chill rippled down her spine as she opened the heavy wooden door , cracking it just enough to peer out . medusa began to close the door when she heard it again . flooded with the same exhilaration she 'd felt during the eclipse , she did not allow herself to consider her actions as she slipped quietly from her chambers . there , in the silent hallway a long silvery strand of moonlight cut through the dark , sparkling through the shutters . the beam seared a luminous path to the end of the hall and into the great room of the temple . medusa 's curiosity urged her forward . she walked alongside the beam , playfully running her fingers through its brilliance . the moonlight led her to a basin nestled in one of the temple 's many recesses . from this miniature , trickling spring the beam bounced to a sculpted vase eternally pouring water into a basin .	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2373], ["warmth", 2401], ["evaporate", 2412], ["evaporated", 2412], ["look", 2445], ["looked", 2445], ["count", 2484], ["countest", 2484], ["lucky", 2494], ["whomever", 2515], ["whatever", 2529], ["lose", 2544], ["lost", 2544], ["interest", 2553], ["behold", 2598], ["beheld", 2598], ["beholds", 2598], ["speak", 2612], ["spoken", 2612], ["good", 2639], ["night", 2645], ["door", 2664], ["snap", 2672], ["snapping", 2672], ["snapped", 2672], ["shut", 2677], ["behind", 2684], ["dawn", 2770], ["dawnest", 2770], ["dawning", 2770], ["lit", 2776], ["light", 2776], ["warm", 2783], ["warmed", 2783], ["room", 2792], ["roomed", 2792], ["try", 2798], ["tryed", 2798], ["dismiss", 2835], ["dismisses", 2835], ["dismissest", 2835], ["dismissing", 2835], ["tonight", 2860], ["see", 2879], ["seen", 2879], ["deep", 2888], ["deeply", 2888], ["yearning", 2897], ["grow", 2902], ["growest", 2902], ["grew", 2902], ["within", 2909], ["brilliant", 2947], ["shake", 2986], ["curve", 2996], ["curved", 2996], ["depth", 3022], ["dream", 3068], ["dreamt", 3068], ["dreamest", 3068], ["dreams", 3068], ["dark", 3098], ["depth", 3116], ["depths", 3116], ["invite", 3145], ["invites", 3145], ["inviting", 3145], ["therein", 3159], ["slept", 3171], ["sleep", 3171], ["sleeps", 3171], ["sleepest", 3171], ["fitfully", 3180], ["time", 3202], ["find", 3208], ["found", 3208], ["brink", 3229], ["brinks", 3229], ["soft", 3256], ["masculine", 3273], ["name", 3294], ["gentle", 3321], ["gentler", 3321], ["alluring", 3344], ["wake", 3358], ["wakes", 3358], ["woken", 3358], ["woke", 3358], ["start", 3371], ["bed", 3391], ["still", 3399], ["half", 3404], ["around", 3435], ["listen", 3456], ["listens", 3456], ["listening", 3456], ["nothing", 3476], ["sound", 3490], ["breath", 3513], ["breathest", 3513], ["lay", 3534], ["lie", 3534], ["lain", 3534], ["back", 3539], ["sure", 3546], ["sleepy", 3567], ["illusion", 3576], ["voice", 3588], ["dream", 3603], ["dreamt", 3603], ["dreamest", 3603], ["quick", 3613], ["wake", 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im all soapy . i dont care , torie . please , he said it in such a desperate plea that it gave me goose bumps , and then i had my hands around his rock-hard waist and we melted into each other . we left a trail of clothes from the kitchen and through the househis shirt and then my shirt . his shoes , my shoes , and as he slipped me out of my pants and i was wrestling unsuccessfully with his jeans button , he had me in his arms . i was wrapped around his waist as he held me and carried me to the second floor . *** i lay breathless and in shock . dave , i never knew that it could be that way . i didnt know i was even capable of enjoying sex that much , i confessed as my body sated and satisfied , started to relax . then i was laughing and crying at the same time . twenty years of going without ! of never feeling the satisfaction of being fulfilled by a man and always thinking it was something physically wrong with me ! dave had cured me in less than ten minutes ! i kissed him and wrapped my arms and legs around his perfect body . thats what ive been missing all this time ? oh , thank you dave ! i gushed , giggling and kissing his neck , his cheek , his mouth . he chuckled and whispered , i just keep racking up those points , dont i ? oh yeah , i agreed and kissed him again deeply . chapter 23 the soft glow of the early morning sunrise filtered through the light sheers . i hadnt seen an early morning sunrise in fremont since i had moved into roses house . i was facing the outside of the bed , in daves large bedroom which was beautifully decorated with earth-tone fabrics and heavy substantial furniture with multiple woods inlaid with intricate , handcrafted detail . the dressers and bed in oak with mahogany inlay contrasted and complemented the light hardwood floor and woven area rug of muted flowers in browns , peaches , and greens . i was resting against dave , with my back against his chest . he was spooning me , with his arm over my waist . i could feel the slow and steady rise and fall of his chest behind me . i turned over as gently as i could , so i didnt disturb him . he stirred slightly with my movement but didnt wake . his expression was smooth and relaxed , and i took a few minutes just drinking in his beauty as the filtered early morning sun softly spilled upon his face . i felt rested in spite of the fact that we had spent most of the evening in his bed talking and didnt actually get to sleep until around midnight . after that , we still couldnt seem to get enough of each other , and we woke one another up and made love two more times in the night . thinking about the passionate lovemaking he gave me , i knew i would never get enough of him . i could tell it already . his eyes fluttered open , and he gazed at me with a look that said he was remembering our night . hey , i said softly , reaching to smooth my fingers through his hair , which was spilling over his forehead . i ran my hand over his chest and his shoulder as he reached to pull me closer and entwined his legs with mine . he ran his hand over my bare back and kissed my lips lightly . how about i fix you some breakfast ? can i fix you some eggs or pancakes ? pancakes , i think . ill help though , deal ? deal , he smiled and lifted his head to place a kiss on my shoulder . what do you have planned for the day ? do you want to hang out here with me ? i would love it if you would , torie . ill need to run home , shower , and grab some clean clothes . i lifted my head and looked around the room . i remembered then that most of my clothes were strewn around his downstairs . im going to have to make the walk of shame , if i can find all my clothes , i said with a laugh , not really feeling like it was . at least i live a mile out on gravel . i wont have any witnesses . no walk of shameand no one-night stand , i hope . waking up with you here beside me is a dream come true for me . i think you probably know that i have been crazy about you practically since day one . a dream come true for me also , dave . tell you what , why dont we have breakfast and then you run home and get cleaned up and come back over . you said you ride ; we can take my horses out later today . i need to repair a fence out back , but after that , im free for the day . i have a nice little pond at the back of my ten acres . we can pack a lunch and head out there and spend the afternoon . that sounds perfect , i said kissing his lips lightly . dave rolled out of bed and headed to his closet . he pulled out a white terry robe and laid it on my side of the bed .	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then the sofa was delivered , custom made out of the wrong fabric . finally , her mother came into the unit behind a young man in coveralls with a putty knife in his hand . `` cass , am i early ? '' `` no , mom , i 'm late . did you manage driving in traffic ? '' `` aggression is the key , dear . i terrorized them . i went to the museum of contemporary art , and then to that huge swedish furniture store . i had a fun day . in fact , every day since we 've been here has been a great day . '' cass hugged her mother and said , `` does n't it feel good to leave dad with someone and just go ? '' `` i have to confess it does . the woman from the home-help agency you found , lupe , has been wonderful , cass . i only hope dad is n't giving her too much trouble . '' a man in a blue uniform shirt came through the door . `` last delivery of the day , '' he said . `` where do you want these tables ? '' two other men stood behind him , a heavy glass oval showing from beneath a quilted pad . `` that 's quite beautiful , but it 's not what i ordered , '' cass said . `` sign here , lady . '' `` i said it 's not what i ordered . '' `` if you do n't sign for it , i 'll have to take it back . no telling when you 'll see it again . '' `` i do n't want to see it again . '' `` suit yourself , lady . he turned around to leave . where are the tables i ordered ? '' `` truck 's empty , ma'am . i just follow the manifest . '' he turned and followed his helpers back to the truck . cass considered signing for the tables and accepting them the way she had come to live with rashmi 's mirror , the mirror she and bud had laughed about the first night they made love , only two doors down the causeway . she wished she could have that night again , before she ever knew how present his ex-wife was in his life . she stared the unwanted table and considered the potential hazards of glass breakage in a model unit . she waved a hand to dismiss the men , but they were already gone . `` the tables are turned now , '' peggy said , `` no pun intended . '' `` i 'm rested , and you 're plumb out of steam . '' * * * at cass 's apartment , peggy went right to wilson while cass invited the home helper into the kitchen . `` how was your day , lupe ? '' the dark-eyed woman smiled with her mouth and her eyes . `` wilson , he 's a little unhappy . i helped him into his chair first thing , and he says he does n't want to be a do-nothing . i tell him he 's a do something , just a different something . we all have changes . '' `` he tells me he wants only to work at his ranch , '' she whispered and put her finger over her lips . `` i tell him i want to be with my husband , rest his soul , as i was before the troubles in my home , el salvador . but it is no longer possible , because he is gone to heaven . so , i spend my days now with mr. wilson , and i am blessed for the kindness of all of you . '' wilson called out from the other room , `` lupe , come here , dear , would you ? tell peggy what you told me about your house . they do n't have wood stoves , or fireplaces , peg . did you ever hear of such a thing ? '' lupe excused herself to join peg and wilson . cass was left thinking , and for an odd instant , she envisioned some far off central american landscape , with terrence limping along a barbed wire fenced shore , and a coconut palm lined beach . he was the man she 'd promised to love , honor and cherish , and she had , right up until the magnitude of his betrayal fell on her like an avalanche . he was the man who promised to love , honor and cherish her faithfully , yet he 'd knowingly , deliberately forsaken that promise . bud , on the other hand , was a man who seemingly held no secrets , except that he had promised to explain his weird halloween get-up and never mentioned another word . for the most part , he operated openly , even if he did n't operate flawlessly . but none of that mattered , she told herself , because she 'd made up her mind to go , and he never said he would do anything but stay . `` goodnight , mrs. cass , '' lupe said . `` i see you tomorrow . '' `` thank you , lupe . '' `` oh , mrs. cass . bud called .	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`` you 're sure you did n't say anything to insult her ? '' `` i 'm sure , dammit . '' he splayed his fingers through his hair , nearly uprooting a handful . once more lindy looked to rush . `` i think i better go over and talk to her . '' lindy reached for her purse and left the apartment . `` women , '' steve muttered . `` i ca n't understand them . '' `` carol 's pregnant , '' rush responded , as though that explained everything . `` she 's been pregnant for nine months , for god 's sake . he walked across the kitchen , opened the fridge and took out a beer , silently offering it to steve . he was n't interested in drinking anything . all he wanted was for this situation to be squared away with carol . rush helped himself to a beer and moved into the living room , claiming the recliner . `` in case you have n't heard , lindy 's pregnant . '' steve stopped pacing long enough to share a grin with his friend . i 'm surprised you did n't notice . '' `` good grief , man , she could only be a few months along . '' `` not her , '' rush teased . the guys on the mitchell claim i 've got that certain glow about me . '' despite his own troubles , steve chuckled . he paused , standing in the middle of the room , and checked his watch . `` what could be taking lindy so long ? she should have phoned long before now . '' rush studied his own timepiece . `` she 's only been gone a few minutes . steve honestly tried . he sat on the edge of the sofa and draped his hands over his bent knees . `` i suppose i 'm only getting what i deserve . '' his fingers went through his hair once more . if this continued he would be bald before morning . the national news came on and rush commented on a recent senate vote . hell , steve did n't even know what his friend was talking about . the phone rang and steve bounced off the sofa as if the telephone had an electronic device that sent a shot of electricity straight through him . `` answer that , '' rush said , chuckling . `` it might be a phone call . '' steve did n't take time to say something sarcastic . `` oh , hi , steve . yes , it 's lindy . '' `` what 's wrong with carol ? '' `` well , for one thing she 's having a baby . '' `` everyone keeps telling me that . it is n't any deep , dark secret , you know . of course she 's having a baby . `` i mean she 's having the baby now . '' steve suddenly felt so weak , he sat back down . `` well , for god 's sake she should be at the hospital . have you phoned the doctor ? what does she plan to do about this ? '' his voice sounded like a rusty door hinge . his knees were shaking , his hands were trembling and he 'd never felt so unsure about anything in his life . `` i did phone dr. stewart , '' lindy went on to say , `` if that makes you feel any better . '' `` not much , but he said carol could leave for the hospital anytime . '' `` okay ... okay , '' steve said , pushing down the panic that threatened to consume him . `` but i want to be the one to drive her there . this is my baby - i should have the right . '' `` oh , that wo n't be any problem , but take your time getting here . carol wants to wash her hair first . '' steve shouted , bolting to his feet . `` there 's no need to scream in my ear , steven kyle , '' lindy informed him primly . steve 's breath came in short , uneven rasps . `` i 'm on my way ... do n't leave without me . '' now , before you hang up on me , put rush on the line . '' whatever lindy said flew out his other ear . carol was in labor - their baby was going to be born anytime , and she was styling her hair ! steve dropped the phone to the carpet and headed toward the front door . rush asked , standing . `` lindy 's with carol . carol 's hair is in labor and the baby 's getting washed . '' `` that explains everything , '' rush said , and picked up the phone . by the time steve arrived at the house , his heart was pounding so violently , his rib cage was in danger of being damaged . he leaped out of the car , left the door open and sprinted toward the house . he demanded of lindy . he 'd nearly taken the front door off its hinges , he 'd come into the house so fast . his sister pointed in the direction of the bedroom . `` carol , '' he called .	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`` some things you do n't need to tell me , '' said jamie , looking the lad over carefully . `` one , you 're an englishman , so likely you 've come with troops nearby . and two , you 're alone . '' the boy seemed startled . `` i suppose that ye 'd not have attacked me unless you thought that the lady and i were alone . if you were with someone else who also thought that , they would presumably have come to your assistance just now-is your arm broken , by the way ? i thought i felt something snap . if you were with someone else who knew we were not alone , they would ha ' stopped ye from trying anything so foolish . '' despite this diagnosis , i noticed three of the men fade discreetly into the forest in response to a signal from jamie , presumably to check for other intruders . the boy 's expression hardened at hearing his act described as foolish . jamie dabbed at his neck , then inspected the handkerchief critically . `` if you 're tryin ' to kill someone from behind , laddie , pick a man who 's not sitting in a pile of dry leaves , '' he advised . `` and if you 're using a knife on someone larger than you , pick a surer spot ; throat-cutting 's chancy unless your victim will sit still for ye . '' `` thank you for the valuable advice , '' the boy sneered . he was doing a fair job at maintaining his bravado , though his eyes flicked nervously from one threatening , whiskered face to another . none of the highlanders would have won any beauty prizes in broad daylight ; by night , they were n't the sort of thing you wanted to meet in a dark place . jamie answered courteously , `` you 're quite welcome . it 's unfortunate that ye wo n't get the chance to apply it in future . why did you attack me , since i think to ask ? '' men , attracted by the noise , had begun filtering in from the surrounding campsites , sliding wraithlike out of the woods . the boy 's glance flickered around the growing circle of men , resting at length on me . he hesitated for a moment , but answered , `` i was hoping to release the lady from your custody . '' a small stir of suppressed amusement ran around the circle , only to be quelled by a brief gesture from jamie . `` i see , '' he said noncommittally . `` you heard us talking and determined that the lady is english and well-born . whereas i- '' `` whereas you , sir , are a conscienceless outlaw , with a reputation for thievery and violence ! your face and description are on broadsheets throughout hampshire and sussex ! i recognized you at once ; you 're a rebel and an unprincipled voluptuary ! '' the boy burst out hotly , face stained a deeper red even than the firelight . i bit my lip and looked down at my shoes , so as not to meet jamie 's eye . just as ye say , '' jamie agreed cordially . `` that being the case , perhaps you can advance some reason why i shouldna kill ye immediately ? '' drawing the dirk smoothly from its sheath , he twisted it delicately , making the fire jump from the blade . the blood had faded from the young man 's face , leaving him ghostly in the shadows , but he drew himself upright at this , pulling against the captors on either side . i am quite prepared to die , '' he said , stiffening his shoulders . jamie nodded thoughtfully , then , stooping , laid the blade of his dirk in the fire . a plume of smoke rose around the blackening metal , smelling strongly of the forge . we all watched in silent fascination as the flame , spectral blue where it touched the blade , seemed to bring the deadly iron to life in a flush of deep red heat . wrapping his hand in the bloodstained cloth , jamie cautiously pulled the dirk from the fire . he advanced slowly toward the boy , letting the blade fall , as though of its own volition , until it touched the lad 's jerkin . there was a strong smell of singed cloth from the handkerchief wrapped around the haft of the knife , which grew stronger as a narrow burnt line traced its way up the front of the jerkin in the dagger 's path . the point , darkening as it cooled , stopped just short of the upwardly straining chin . i could see thin lines of sweat shining in the stretched hollows of the slender neck . `` aye , well , i 'm afraid that i 'm no prepared to kill ye-just yet . '' jamie 's voice was soft , filled with a quiet menace all the more frightening for its control . `` who d 'ye march with ? '' the question snapped like a whip , making its hearers flinch . the knife point hovered slightly nearer , smoking in the night wind . `` i'll-i 'll not tell you ! 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but raptor never took no for an answer . hed sure as hell be back within a matter of minutes with a pitcher of beer just for me . i might just get a shot of jack . tyler replied , and raptor , vince and luke headed up to the bar . i guess you can just call us crippled old men , i told tyler . now we just need canes ! so hows bryn doing with her head ? i had taken the trip to see bryn a couple of times in the past week . shed been very quiet about what happened . every time i tried to bring up her brothers death , she changed the subject to something else . like how she was nervous about touring in a few months . i wouldnt push it any farther past that . we would hold each other and watch movies on tv or id bring them over from the apartment . shes better , i said . hasnt really said much about it all . i dont know if she knows how brayden died . i tried telling her , but she wont listen to any of it . well , i wouldnt want to hear how he put the barrel in his mouth and shot himself either . if she knows , that explains why shes distant . should text her and tell her to come down here . i mean she still cant drink or anything , but at least she wont be bored at her place by herself . i think she said shes helping out louisa tonight , but ill text her . me : what are you up to b ? almost instantly i had a reply . bryn : just got off . heading upstairs now . i smirked at her reply . she didnt realize some of the things she said came out just plain dirty , and if i was drinking at that moment , i would have been at her place in seconds . me : just got off huh ? i hope you meant work . bryn : oh please mr . dirty minded . me : damn right . but were down at crabby petes you should walk down . bryn : let me change than ill see . love you me : love you more is b coming down ? vince asked , finally bringing back our drinks . they got me a water , and i chugged it down within seconds . i just texted her . she just got out of work so she was going to go change . heck yesss this will be absolutely amazing ! luke bellowed . from the way he was already swaying , i could tell he had a couple of shots at the bar . how much have you had to drink already , luke ? tyler turned to ask him . only like , two shots , you ass . petes my buddy , he hooked us all up . i looked down at the platter of shot glasses on our table and furrowed my eyebrows . this was exactly what i was trying to avoid tonight and they knew that . as i eyed the glasses raptor was pushing my way , i tried to weigh my options . i mean , i knew i could hold my liquor and i more than likely wouldnt have a hangover in the morning , so that was a good thing . i didnt want bryn to see me like that . if she were strictly my bandmate , itd be a different story . but she was my girlfriend . i didnt want to say anything around her that id regret . heres to a fun night out , i said reluctantly , grabbing two shot glasses filled with tequila and swallowing down one glass of liquid after the other . it burned as it made its way down my throat and to my stomach . vince patted me hard on the back . knew youd give in at some point ! we ordered a big plate of irish nachos to split between all of us , and ate as we watched people get up to do karaoke . it felt like dj vu , bringing me back to the night in iowa when everyone on the last tour went out to eat and sing karaoke . it was also the night we got the call from rockout records . i excused myself to the bathroom after watching people slaughter some of my favorite songs . when i was heading back to the table , i felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind and a head resting on my back . let me guess , i teased , knowing fully who it was . youre either some kind of crazy fan or you must be my girlfriend . dammit , cale it was supposed to be a surprise ! she smiled widely as i turned around to face her , still holding her hands . she knew how to clean up quick . her black hair was pinned to one side and she had some green eye shadow on to match her emerald eyes . she had on a slim fitting , navy striped long-sleeved shirt and baggy jeans . i know those hands better than anyone , love , i remarked , and she stood up on her tip toes so she could kiss me . i let go of her hands , placing them around my back as i brought her closer .	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his knowledge became my knowledge , so that what he knew and what he felt was transferred to me . we were one consciousness , shared between two bodies . pale hands , no longer bony and yellow-clawed , lightly caressed my body as he drew complex patterns on my skin . i became a living altar upon which jakob performed an ancient , mystical ceremony . my mind flooded with images of primitive men and women , mating in the cave , as jakob and i would be doing . my very soul became the playground of beings that once roamed the world , primordial natures of day and night , black and white , good and evil . i wondered to which side jakob 's love would carry me . as time passed , most of his cuts and lacerations healed , and his masculine beauty manifested itself once again , leaving his face pale and sweaty , but unblemished . he kissed my throat , the spot burning long after his lips had moved on . the cave overheated , and ticklish perspiration ran down my back . flames consumed my body from within and i feared for my soul . when jakob licked tiny runnels of sweat off my neck , i was seized by fear and i pounded my fists on his back , demanding he stop . the heat of our passion rose until my body dissolved in pulsing waves of light , of love , of lust . dizzied , i squeezed my eyes shut . in my new universe i was transformed into love , happiness . my eyes flew open when sharp needles stabbed my neck . my eyes focused on jakob , licking fresh blood from his lips . my blood , which he 'd taken from me without even asking . `` trust me , '' he said as he bent down to suck more of my blood . but as i considered his sweat-matted hair , the long fangs sunk in my neck , busy siphoning my blood , a load of questions surfaced in my mind . what was he doing , biting me , drinking my blood as if i meant no more to him than nourishment , like some alley rat ? would this be my fate , to die , my body discarded in the field once i 'd quenched his appetites ? he finished feeding and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand . maybe jakob had gotten carried away . did n't they call it blood lust ? i 'd previously raked my nails down his back a couple of times in my amorous enthusiasm . he murmured incoherent words and resumed drawing symbols on my body , using my own blood and his finger . i forgot all about the burning in my neck . transported outside of myself , i became a bystander in my own body . no mortal man could 've make a woman feel this way without resorting to some magical spell . light passed through the cells of my body and i floated along , loosed like a dust particle in a tornado . with my eyes closed it felt like there were ten of him , all touching , caressing , or kissing some part of me . i do n't know how long we stayed locked in this union . time did n't stand still , it disappeared altogether . the dawn 's blinding rays fell directly on the two of us as we lay on the cavern floor . only then did i understand his insistence that we had to be in this cave for the spring equinox . only this one faced due east for maximum exposure to the rising sun . he kept his eyes tightly closed against the rays as a scream , a stream of incomprehensible words issued from his mouth . jakob writhed in agony but i was too exhausted to do anything to help him . eventually i collapsed , resting my face against the glistening curls of his heaving chest . maybe i could shield him , somehow . he settled down and seemed to lose consciousness . the sun warmed our sweat-soaked bodies as dust motes orbited us in the morning light . he had succeeded in bridging the gulf between light and darkness , and i had felt the immense power of the universe as he 'd pulled me along with him . drowsy , weak and dying , i fell asleep wrapped securely in jakob 's embrace . * * * i opened my eyes and realized i was immersed in the dark outdoors . nighttime , then . i ran , naked , in an unfamiliar forest . so fast , my feet hardly touched the ground . the path snaked along beneath my racing feet , unsure of the surface , yet unable to slow down . somehow , i managed to avoid the leafy ferns on either side of the rutted pathway from hitting me in the face . only one thought echoed in my head : do n't get caught ! i sensed danger following close behind . lightning flashed through the overhanging leaves and branches , barely giving off enough light for me to make out the winding path . thunder boomed far above the thick canopy sheltering me from the rain . air whooshed by and made my eyes water .	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i hung my head under the pretence of clearing the dishes but he was already in his armchair watching the news and so would not have seen the two tear drops that splashed onto the already congealing animal fat on his plate . the next day i was up at my usual time of six , to milk the cow . column had left an hour earlier . i was there with my head resting against nellie 's warm flank . she nuzzled me gently as she did every morning . i often thought she felt a kinship with me , you know from one cow to anudder ! i do n't know why i joke about it so much when it really does bother me . i was feeling sorry for myself and decided it was time i gave aisling a visit . i could count on my fingers the number of times i had seen her since i got married . let 's see , i got married in november and that winter proved to be very severe with storms crashing the coastline with a frightening regularity . cara , that is what i called my beautiful mare , had been a lifesaver . aisling had been right . i couldnt drive . column did n't get home until late , six nights a week and i hated to ask him to drive me into see the family on his day off . but i really did n't need to as long as the weather was reasonable , read `` no gales ! '' cara is a big strong mare . she is part irish draught , having the thick heavy legs and flanks of a workhorse but she has a beautiful more refined head , not as heavy boned as draughts usually are and with uncharacteristically large eyes . i knew aisling had agonized over what type of horse to get for me . she never said so . it was in her eyes when she anxiously watched my reaction to cara . she knew my taste in horses tended towards fine legged hunters or half-breeds , but she knew i would never want to own one because of the inevitable comparisons that people would make between horse and rider . she felt i would feel more comfortable on a good honest horse that was strong without drawing attention to itself . and lastly she had picked the right sex ! i do n't know why , maybe because in the horse world , only the males , usually geldings , are in demand as mounts . the mares are generally reserved for , breeding purposes . after finishing with nellie , ( a name much chagrined by my own aunt nellie , she would say , `` but why do you have to name the cow after me , i could take the ignominy of the horse , but the cow ... ! '' sigh ! ) i fed the hens and picked up the days batch of eggs . taking them inside , i washed them as i did every morning . i looked apprehensively out the window . it looked a little messy out there but sure a little rain would n't melt me . my heart sank a little as it always did every time i noticed the state of the front of the cottage . i kept telling myself that now that spring was here i was going to do wonders with the front . mom had promised me cuttings of hebe and her fuchsia shrub . she had loads of montebretias and spring bulbs to give me too . all i had to do was pick them up and plant them . but i knew it would take nothing short of a miracle to get it the way i wanted it . i had already asked column if we could get the outside of the cottage whitewashed and he said , he was already working 80 hours a week and the last thing on his mind was a speck of mud on the wall . as usual when he got upset i would feel guilty for being so selfish when he worked so hard . that was only part of the problem . there was also of course the hen scratched earth that held a century 's worth of birdshit . it would have to be removed by a jcb to be allowed to compost properly , and topsoil brought in to replace it . the likelihood of that happening was remote , to say the least . cara was already at the gate . she whinnied when she saw me . i rubbed the white stripe that ran down her face . she was all muddy from rolling around at the back where there was a low lying spot that always seemed to be wet . looking at her you 'd never guess that there was a lovely pale gold hide topped with a fine long tufted creamy mane and tail . a palomino ! now if she had been more blooded and a male , she would never have been sold for the price she was . aisling told me that with deirdre 's help she had found her on a racing farm in derry . the owners believed that the gentle nature of the draughts had a calming influence on the highly strung thoroughbreds . `` some people swear by the piebalds and the skewbalds , but i find the draughts are the best . '' was what the owner had told aisling .	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taking a deep breath , jay dialed farrell on the interoffice line . two minutes later she walked purposefully into his office . he smiled benignly at her , as if he had n't cut4ier off at the knees three days before . `` you 're looking well , jay , '' he said smoothly . `` not much , '' she replied . `` i just wanted to let you know that i wo n't be able to work out the two weeks ' notice you gave me . i came in this morning to clean out my desk , and i left instructions for all my calls to be transferred to duncan . '' it gave her a measure of satisfaction to see him blanch . `` that 's very unprofessional ! '' he snapped , surging to his feet . `` we were counting on you to tie up the loose ends -- '' `` and train duncan how to do my job , '' she interrupted , her voice ironic . his tone was threatening . `` under these circumstances , i do n't see how i can give you the positive recommendation i had planned . you wo n't work again in investment banking , not without a favorable reference . '' her dark blue eyes were steady and cold as she stared at him . `` i do n't plan to work in investment banking , thank you . '' from that he decided she must already have another job , which took away the leverage he had been planning to use on her . jay watched him , practically seeing the wheels turning as he considered his options . she was really leaving them in the lurch , and it was his fault , because he had fired her . `` well , perhaps i was too hasty , '' he said , forcing his voice to show warm paternalism . `` it will certainly leave a black eye on this firm , and on you , if the matters on your desk are n't handled properly . perhaps if i add two weeks ' salary as severance pay , you 'll reconsider leaving us so precipitately ? '' she was supposed to fall back in line when he waved the magic carrot of money in front of her nose . `` thank you , but no , '' she declined . i wo n't be in town . '' panic began to edge into his face . if the deals she had been handling fell through , it would cost the firm millions of dollars in fees . already jay could imagine panicky phone calls from duncan . she gave farrell a cool smile . `` bethesda naval hospital , but i wo n't be accepting any calls . '' he looked absolutely stunned . `` the ... the naval hospital ? '' `` it 's a family emergency , '' she explained as she walked out the door . when she was outside again with the small cardboard box tucked under her arm , she laughed out loud from the sheer joy of being unemployed , of being able to put that look of panic in farrell wordlaw 's eyes . it was almost as good as if she had been able to strangle him . and now she was free to return to steve , drawn by the powerful compulsion to be with him that she could neither understand nor resist . she had come up on a commuter flight , but because of the amount of luggage and personal furnishings she was taking back to d.c. , frank had arranged for her to take a charter flight back , and she was pleasantly surprised when he met her at the airport . `` i did n't know you were going to be here ! '' he could n't help smiling at her . her eyes were sparkling like the ocean , and the lines of tension were gone from her face . she looked as if she had thoroughly enjoyed walking out of her job , and he said as much . `` it was ... satisfying , '' she admitted , smiling at him . `` how is steve today ? '' `` not as well as he was before you left . '' it was damned strange , but it was true . his pulse was weaker and faster , his breathing shallow and ragged . even though he was unconscious , the man needed jay . her eyes darkened with worry and she bit her lip . the urge to get back to steve grew more intense , like invisible chains pulling at her . but first she had to get settled in the apartment frank had gotten for her , something that took up too much time and ate at her patience . the apartment was about half the size of her place in new york , really only two rooms -- the living room and bedroom . the kitchen was a cubbyhole in a corner , and there was a crowded little alcove for dining . but the apartment was comfortable , especially since she planned to spend most of her time at the hospital , anyway . this was simply a place to sleep and have a few meals . `` i 've arranged for you to have a car , '' frank said as he carried in the last case . he grinned at her surprised look . `` this is n't new york . you 'll need a way to get around . '' he produced the keys from his pocket and dropped them on the table . `` you can come and go at the hospital as you like .	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he wanted me to let you know he 's been to the toy store and purchased two giant teddy bears . he also asked me to tell you he 'll be dropping them off around six this evening . and he said he made dinner reservations in case you had n't thought of it . '' james laughed and discovered his assistant staring at him blankly . `` see this , '' james said , taking the ultrasound picture from inside his suit pocket . `` my wife and i just learned we 're having twins . '' twins for you and summer . why , your honor ... '' her mouth opened , then shut , but she recovered quickly . then , checking his watch , he returned to the courtroom . the afternoon was hectic . james was hearing the sad case of a man who , crazed with drugs and alcohol , had gone on a shooting rampage . he 'd killed three people and injured seventeen more . the case was just getting underway but was sure to attract a lot of media attention . james knew the defense was hinging its case on a plea of temporary insanity . a door opened at the rear of the courtroom . james did n't look up , but out of the corner of his eye , he saw a lone figure slip into the back row . whoever it was apparently did n't want to be recognized . she wore a scarf and large sunglasses . twice more james found his gaze returning to the figure in the back of the courtroom . if he did n't know better , he 'd think it was summer . whoever it was stayed for quite a long time . an hour or more . he was n't sure when the woman left , but james could n't help being curious . his best guess was that the woman was a reporter . when he was finished for the afternoon , james returned to his office and removed his robe . his secretary brought in a stack of phone messages . the one that seemed most peculiar was from elizabeth manning . she 'd never called him at court . leaning back in his chair , he reached for the phone . `` hello , elizabeth , '' he said cheerfully . it was on the tip of his tongue to tell her his and summer 's good news , but she cut him off . `` you 'd better tell me what 's wrong . i 've been worried sick all afternoon . '' `` you and summer . '' sometimes she baffled him . i will tell you that summer and i were at the doctor 's this morning and found out she 's pregnant with twins . '' but elizabeth seemed distracted . `` that ca n't be it , '' she mulled aloud . `` she was here , you know . '' listen to me , james , there 's something wrong . i knew it the minute i saw that girl . she was upset and close to tears . at first i thought you two might 've had an argument . '' `` no ... '' james frowned . `` she talked about her parents traveling in their motor home . i suppose i should 've realized she wanted to discuss something with me , but i started chattering , hoping she 'd relax enough to speak her mind . '' `` after the part about her parents ' vacation , she said she 'd come to thank me for the party , which we both knew was an excuse . then she apparently changed her mind about talking with me and started to cry . before i could stop her , she was gone . '' `` the girl literally ran out of the house . i tried to catch up with her , but with my bad leg , that was impossible . '' `` she drove off without another word ? '' elizabeth sounded flustered . `` what could be wrong , james ? '' she was fine this morning . '' james had no idea anymore . `` i 'll give you a call this evening , '' he assured elizabeth . summer was very upset , james . that 's odd ... . '' `` what is ? '' `` i remember something else she said , and it was after this that she started to cry . '' `` she told me how much she loved you . '' a few minutes later , when he 'd finished speaking to elizabeth , james was more confused than ever . he tried calling summer again-but again there was no answer . he left the office abruptly , without a word to his staff . when he got to the house he burst through the front door . he shouted , his heart racing . he raced up the stairs , taking them two at a time . he searched every room but could n't find her . what confused him further was that her clothes still hung in her closet , but one suitcase was missing . surely if she was planning to leave him , she 'd have taken more things . the only items that seemed to be missing were her toothbrush , slippers and a book about pregnancy and birth . baffled , he wandered back downstairs . he scouted out the kitchen and the other rooms . the last place he looked was in his den . there he found an envelope propped against the base of the lamp .	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jason came into her room and heaved the heavy suitcase into his arms . grunting and panting , he maneuvered it down the stairs-no elevator in her building-while she carried her backpack and purse . when they reached the bottom , chrissie cast him a woebegone look . `` it 'll be fine , '' he said without meeting her eyes . but that could 've been because he was busy hoisting the suitcase into his trunk . still , his offhand remark startled her . `` i 'll miss you like crazy , but before we know it you 'll be back . '' his cavalier attitude was completely unexpected . she wanted him to feel as bereft as she did ; obviously he did n't . eyeing him closely , she wondered if she was reading more into his comment than warranted . she did n't want to sound like a whiny ten-year-old , but she was taken aback by his response . she decided not to overreact . besides , i can come and visit you over the fourth of july . '' `` do n't you want to save your money for school ? '' she shrugged , as if financial concerns were of little significance . she 'd assumed he 'd leap at the suggestion . a moment later , jason took chrissie by the shoulders and astonished her by kissing her long and hard . normally , he frowned on public displays of affection , but today nothing about him was the same . she reveled in his moist lips molding to hers as he held her close . `` next summer ... '' she whispered . `` i 'll find a way to stay in oregon . '' with that , he placed her backpack carefully beside the heavy bag and shut the trunk . `` first things first , '' she said as jason opened the passenger door . he hesitated , looking puzzled . `` i have to convince my mother to let me move out of the dorm before i talk to her about staying in eugene next summer , '' she elaborated . `` you really have a thing about your mother , do n't you ? '' chrissie flared . `` you always seem worried about what she 's going to say . '' his observation irritated her . she did n't want to argue , but he 'd totally missed the point . `` you just said you had to get your mother to agree that you can rent with joan and katie , '' he murmured . `` for the last week , ever since final exams , you 've been complaining about going home and having to deal with her . not once did you mention your dad . '' `` my father is the more reasonable of the two . '' she was furious that jason would even suggest she had a problem with her mother . `` from what i understand , it 's fairly common , you know ? mother-daughter conflict , i mean . '' chrissie said coldly as she climbed into the passenger seat and without waiting closed the door . she fastened the seat belt while jason walked around to the other side of the vehicle . `` you and your mother seem to have these underlying issues , '' he said when he got into the car . he inserted the key into the ignition . she stared at him , annoyed that he was pursuing the subject . she asked , refusing to be drawn into one . jason turned to her , then gradually smiled . `` you do n't act as if you 're going to miss me all that much , '' she said , and immediately wanted to swallow her words . they made her seem insecure and she was n't . `` is it because i did n't encourage you to fly down for the fourth of july ? if so , the reason-aside from not wanting you to spend the airfare-is that i already have plans . '' `` my parents asked me to visit them and i said i would . '' it did n't escape chrissie 's notice that he did n't invite her to join him and his family . `` are you glad i 'm leaving eugene ? '' she knew he 'd be staying ; he was fortunate enough to have a full-time summer job with a big law firm . his family lived in grants pass , a couple of hours away . jason sighed as if she were behaving like a difficult child . `` forget i asked , '' she snapped . `` yes , it was , '' jason said . `` why are you being so sensitive ? '' he was right ; she was overreacting , even though she 'd vowed not to . `` maybe i do n't want to go back to seattle for the summer . maybe i 'd rather be here with you instead of trapped in a house with my mother for the next ten weeks . '' the moment she mentioned her mother , chrissie realized she 'd said the wrong thing . `` why do n't you talk to her , then ? '' my relationship with her ? my mother 's so caught up in her own world that she ca n't be bothered with me . 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my heart gave one painful , panicked thud before i remembered i 'd taken it off as i always did when i went to bed . if i 'd actually been wearing the thing , it would have strangled me during our energetic bedroom activities . not to mention i 'd have had to explain to will that i 'd had the thing all along . i went back into my room , crossed to the dresser , reached for the totem . my fingers came up empty . i dropped to my knees , crawled around the floor patting the carpet . tore the room apart in a frenzy . but nothing changed what i knew in my gut . will was gone , and so was the stone . i would have liked a shower , but i did n't have the luxury . instead , i threw on my uniform , retrieved my weapons , and was on my way out the door when the doorbell rang . expecting mandenauer , i could only stare stupidly at clyde , `` where you goin ' in such a hurry ? '' i should tell clyde everything , but i was in a bit of a rush . besides , he hated will already . he 'd be thrilled to shoot him with silver and say `` whoops '' later . `` mandenauer , '' i blurted . `` t said i 'd come over early . '' `` i was just there , and i woke him up . definitely a ' do n't go away mad ; just go away'moment . heartbreak ridge was on last night . not exactly clint 's words , but near ' nough . mandenauer was going back to sleep . since you 've got hours yet before your shift , why do n't we have a little chat ? '' i glanced through my living room toward the window . i might have hours before my shift , but sundown was soon . it was then i saw my panties lying on the carpet in the middle of the room . clyde sniffed , once , twice , and i turned to find him so close i leaped back . i demanded , embarrassed , nervous , betrayed , and cranky . luckily i did n't have to say anything , since clyde kept talking . `` jesus , jessie , i 'd have thought you of all people would be able to resist a pretty face . `` clyde , i 've got to go . '' `` when you 're wearing that uniform , everything you do is my business . '' i had a flash of what i 'd been doing a few times in this uniform . definitely not clyde 's business . my cheeks heated in spite of myself . `` i need to see mandenauer , '' i repeated . `` i 'll just have to wake him up . '' `` where 's cadotte ? '' i stepped into the hallway and clyde had no choice but to move back ; then i closed the door firmly behind me . `` he sneak out on you ? '' `` why are you so damned interested in cadotte all of a sudden ? '' `` i want to talk to him about the attempted murder of edward mandenauer . '' `` what possible reason could will have to shoot man-denauer ? he barely knows the man . '' `` mandenauer and i had quite a chat when i stopped into the clinic earlier . i hear he was shot with a crossbow . '' `` cadotte has a crossbow . '' `` so does every old man between here and minoqua . that does n't make him guilty . '' `` he 's got no motive . '' trust clyde to fuck that up . `` would n't a werewolf want to kill the wolf hunter ? '' `` come off it , jessie . mandenauer told me everything . '' `` i was raised ojibwe . just because i 've had to play that down to get where i am does n't mean i do n't believe in the legends . i 've seen things ... `` he shook his head . `` let 's just say werewolves are the least of them . '' i could n't quite get my mind around the fact that my boss believed in the unbelievable . had everyone gone over to the dark side ? i set my rifle against the wall . the weapon was getting too heavy to cart up and down the hallway . `` so you know about the blue moon ? the werewolf army ? the wolf god ? '' `` why do n't you give me that totem for safekeeping ? '' i stared at his palm , then lifted my gaze to his face . `` jessie , you 're playing with something you do n't understand . '' it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that will had taken the stone , but he grabbed me by the upper arms and shook me . my teeth rattled , and i decided to keep the information to myself . i did n't care for the way he was acting . `` i do n't have the totem , clyde . he spun me around and patted me down .	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i stare up at her while i try to hold on to my rage , but her voice is almost broken now , and the need to hold and comfort her is slowly wearing down my defenses . it was your love that made that possible , and until the very end he was trying to turn you against me . do you even have the slightest clue how bad that weekend and the first few days afterwards were for me ? '' her mouth opens but she does n't say anything , and after a few moments she shakes her head . you never tell me anything personal . '' the accusation hurts , but for once i ca n't really say anything to prove her wrong . `` you actually told me you were happy i stopped moping after that saturday at beth 's . that you were glad i was done with being so emo . and now you complain that i took your words to heart ? '' yes , i admit it , having you lurk around and sulk for two weeks was hell ! but that does n't mean that i do n't want you to tell me when something is bothering you ! '' silence falls , and it 's nearly awkward . we both are at a loss for words , and i 'd rather roll over and sleep now than continue this . but of course , bella being bella , she has other plans . `` then tell me now ? maybe i understand why you do n't even try to mend your friendship with jazz again when i see the whole picture . '' her voice is calm but her eyes are pleading with me , and one thing i can never do , and that is refuse her anything she asks for . i sigh heavily , then pat the couch next to me and she quickly climbs over the back rest and sinks into the plush cushions . again i do n't know where to start , and it does n't get better as the more i think about it , the more memories and emotions threaten to come up from the dark place i 've shut them all away in . bella nudges my leg as if to tell me to just spit it out , and i decide that 's probably the best idea . after all , she knows enough that i do n't have to chronologically order things . `` you know , i 've always trusted him . too blindly , i know now , but until that day i never had any reason to doubt his loyalty . his friendship . and it 's not just that we always got along great , but there was a connection between us that 's so hard to define , but it was there . i told you i had a crush on him - and before you start on that again , i really mean had , past tense - but i do n't really know if that 's a good description . there was something there , but it never felt even remotely like what i feel for you , so it was probably more like a ... '' i cast around for words . `` yearning , for lack of a better expression . we were so close , we could talk about virtually everything , and i think it was probably just a need to take that to a more physical level . '' i can see that my words hurt her , but not the part about me wanting to f*k him , but the fact that i 'm still reluctant to talk as freely with her as i used to with jazz . but with him i never had to second guess or filter my words , because i knew i could n't hurt him with anything i said . `` i mean it takes a lot for two guys who know each other that closely and who 're both not entirely gy to share a girl , and fk each other . sex complicates things , usually , but it worked , somehow . or at least i thought it did . now i just wish that i 'd never let him talk me into having even one threesome with you . '' bella cocks her head and her expression becomes unreadable , but she motions me to go on , so i do n't dwell on that point . `` do n't get me wrong , i know that what we did hurt you a lot . and i 'm glad that you managed to get over it . but you were n't the only one who was hurt that day . '' my voice becomes weirdly thick , but i force myself to go on and keep eye contact with her . `` i told you what nearly killed me was the pain in your eyes . seeing what i 'd done to you was the worst thing that i ever felt , and i put all my efforts into taking that pain away again , any way i could think of . it was a problem that had a resolution , and we did resolve those issues , and i agree , in a twisted way the whole fk up brought us closer together . `` but that aside , he hurt me , too . he abused my weakness , he violated my trust , of all the people in the world he was one of those who really knew me , and he used that knowledge to get to me .	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so drake , youve got to forget about any feelings you may have for me . i meet drakes eyes again . they well heavy and not two seconds later , they run down his cheeks again . he shakes his head and a gut-wrenching sob escapes him . he collapses forward , his head resting on my chest and his arms wrapping around my middle . he may as well have just stabbed a knife through my heart . its been hard enough , keeping it together these past few moments when all i want to do is cease to exist . but his touch is the seal of obliteration . no sounds come from me , unlike drake , who sobs loud and hard . i cling hard to drake , our frames shaking . its killing me to be near him like this right now , but i know im going to truly die inside the second i have to let him go . chapter eleven i call in a sub for the next two days . i lie in my bed . i dont shower or dress . i dont breathe or think or live . life isnt a fairy tale and im not a princess . this isnt some hollywood romance where we get a happily ever after and dreamily float off into the sunset . what a stupid girl i was . thursday night someone knocks and i do not have the energy or spark to get up and answer it . kaylee , are you in there ? shes quiet for a minute . and then i hear a hand on the door knob and it squeaks as she turns the handle and comes inside . if i was going to let myself drown in misery , i should have at least locked the door . that way no one could have walked in and interrupted . oh , honey , she says dramatically . i hear her drop her purse and rush across the apartment . she kneels beside me on the bed and brushes the hair off my forehead . i should be embarrassed and i know i look bad . a pair of underwear and an oversized sweater are all im wearing . i havent touched my hair or face since the bomb of life-ending destruction was dropped on me . if i werent so emotionally drained and numb , id hear the actual , genuine concern in her voice . i might have looked up into her eyes and seen the fear there . instead , all i can do is lie there and continue staring up at the ceiling . kaylee , what is going on ? mom asks again . dick said he hasnt been able to get ahold of you in a few days , the school says youve called in sick . drakes gone , i say . my voice sounds weird . you two broke up ? it takes me a long moment to process what shes saying . i blink slowly and look back up at the ceiling . more like we exploded . mom doesnt say anything for a really long time . she brushes the hair back from my face again . shes quiet on the outside , but i can feel the storm of questions and inability to provide any comfort swirling inside of her . im going to be okay , i say . i know you have to leave for your trip today . her brushing of my hair quickens for a minute or so . she has no idea how to handle me . and im grateful for that for a while . for just the smallest of moments , i can focus on feeling angry at her instead of trying to tell myself not to feel anything . call me if you need anything , she says quietly . she leans over and presses a kiss to my forehead and then climbs out of my bed . i hear her retrieve her purse and cross the room . she pauses in the doorway . and after a minute or so , i hear the door close . i flop an arm over my eyes just as the tears start rolling again . in the morning , i hurt . i hurt from not moving for the past sixty plus hours . my stomach hurts from lack of food . my head hurts from lack of water . and my heart hurts for obvious reasons . first i roll to the side of the bed . my head spins violently for a minute when i first sit up . my legs shake slightly when i force them to stand . i stumble my way across the apartment to the kitchen . i fill a glass and slowly sip at it until its gone . i grab a banana from the counter and choke it down . second i stumble back toward the bathroom . i turn the shower on , hot as it will go . i strip down , only now realizing how terrible i smell . for the first fifteen minutes , i simply stand with my body and head under the water , letting it run over me . but finally , i wash my hair , wash my body , and climb out . third i force some clothes on my body . simple black dress pants , a turquoise button up shirt . i brush my hair straight back , fix it into a bun , and secure everything with a thin , black elastic headband . i dont have the energy for makeup . i stare at myself in the mirror for a long while . i look tired , empty . i look like a ghost .	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