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Saibo-creator
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bookcorpus_compact_1024_test

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text stringlengths 3.57k 5.54k	concept_with_offset stringlengths 3.48k 11.1k
* * * logan held hope back from going after rory . i 've smelled her blood . if necessary , i can find her later . she needs some time . '' hope 's voice was bleak , making logan 's heart weep for her . `` she does n't have any clue how much danger she 's in , does she ? '' `` she 's survived this long . i 'd say that 's a good sign she does know . '' hope laid her head on his shoulder . `` do you think she 'll save cain ? '' or she may lead us to someone who will . '' hope lifted her head to look at him . `` her blood smells familiar . i 'm certain i 've encountered one of her relatives . perhaps a half sister . '' `` would n't you have known if you took blood from a theronai ? '' i did n't know with helen . her natural defenses masked her from me the way she was masked from synestryn for a time . '' `` so there could be another woman like rory out there ? '' `` do you remember where you came across this other woman , this half sister ? '' `` she was among those we rescued from krag 's lair . '' `` there was so much going on then . so much chaos . i assume she went to dabyr with the others , but rory slipped away . '' `` but you had this other woman 's blood . you could find her . '' and i will , but until i do , say nothing to cain . she could just as easily have shared the same human mother rather than the same athanasian father . '' rory is so alone . i felt that when i touched her mind . any family of hers we can find will make a difference , even if that family ca n't save cain or one of the others . '' logan stroked hope 's honey-colored hair . part of our family . we will do whatever we can to bring her joy . '' she looked up at him , her amber eyes shining . `` and that is just one more reason i love you . '' chapter 5 cain was seeing things-proof of just how far he 'd slipped over the past few months . as he walked in through the back door of the shelter , he was sure that he 'd seen sibyl . she 'd stood there , staring at him in shock . her face had been partially hidden by shadows , and he was n't yet as familiar with her adult face as he had been with her childlike appearance , but for a moment , he 'd been sure that it was her . and then she was gone-slipping out through the kitchen door into the dining area . he followed after her , but there was no sign of anyone passing this way . no lights , no movement ... nothing but the aching hole sibyl had left behind . if he 'd slipped down to the point of hallucination , he did n't have much time left . he needed to see rory settled safely at dabyr . he turned and went back to the safe room , carrying a mostly intact demon for logan to study . as soon as he entered the room , he knew rory was gone . the space felt empty without her , echoing and lifeless in her absence . anger surged and bubbled beneath his skin as he spotted logan burning her clothes . it sharpened his tone , but he could n't help that . `` it was my fault , '' said hope . `` i compelled her to trust me so she 'd tell me what she was hiding . i 'm not very good at that kind of thing yet , and the moment my magic wore off , she knew what i had done . it spooked her . `` it was n't your fault , love , '' said logan . `` rory is not as susceptible to our skills as a human would be . at least you got her to talk . now we know the source of her pain . '' `` who 's hurting her ? '' demanded cain . he would find this person or demon and destroy it . just the thought had his blood pumping through his limbs in eagerness . since meeting her , he 'd been buoyed by a heady sense of purpose . her need drove him forward , compelling his actions as strongly as any vow he 'd ever given . hope shook her head , making her blond ponytail sway . she has visions of some kind . she 's looking for the person she thinks stops them . '' of the future ? '' sibyl had those , and the knowledge of what would happen to those she loved haunted her . cain often worried about how she dealt with them now that he was no longer there to comfort her . `` she was n't specific . all i know is she sees things and these visions clearly hurt her . '' that 's what he 'd seen before his collapse-her face twisted with fear and pain .	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it 's probably her feeding time . '' mack pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed . `` nope , she just needed her diaper changed and to be held a little . '' `` did someone hold her ? '' the nursery was crowded with newborns and there were only a couple of nurses on duty . `` i did , '' mack admitted , somewhat embarrassed . i-i 'm just surprised they 'd let you . '' `` yes , well ... '' mack looked away and cleared his throat . `` i might 've led the nurse to believe that noelle and i are ... related . '' mary jo burst out laughing . `` mack , you did n't ! '' and i have to say that as soon as i settled her in my arms , noelle calmed down , stopped crying and looked straight up at me . '' `` you brought her into the world , after all . '' she probably did n't need to remind mack of that ; nevertheless , she wanted him to know she had n't forgotten what he 'd done for her . the night before , she 'd told her brothers that she would never have managed if not for mack , and that was true . he 'd been her salvation . she wanted to tell him all this , but the right words escaped her . besides , she was n't sure she could say what was in her heart without getting teary-eyed and emotional . `` i 'm so glad you stopped by ... i was going to write you and brandon and thank you for everything . '' those had been brandon 's words , too , and in his case , she assumed they were true . but mack ... dismissing her appreciation like that-it hurt . not wanting him to see how his offhand comment had upset her , she stared down at the sheet , twisting it nervously . mack stood and reached for her hand , entwining their fingers . `` it is part of what we agreed to do when we accepted the job with the fire department . '' `` but the call from you was n't an ordinary one . '' she asked and looked up , meeting his eyes . `` i 've never delivered a baby before . '' me , neither , '' she said and they smiled at each other . `` it was one of the highlights of my life , being there with you and noelle . '' `` mine , too-i mean , you being there . '' his words were low and filled with intent . he leaned forward and braced his forehead against hers . `` if it 's okay with you ... '' `` what ? '' `` i 'd like to see noelle sometime . '' `` see both of you . '' `` both of us , '' she repeated , afraid she was beginning to sound like an echo . `` as long as it 's okay with you , '' he said again . she nodded , trying not to act too excited . `` i want to very much . '' `` i 'll be back in seattle , '' she said . `` or you could take the ferry . '' mack seemed just as eager to visit as she was to have him come by . she wanted him there as soon as possible . `` the doctor said he 'd release noelle and me this afternoon . my brothers are picking us up at three . '' mary jo was convinced the happiness that flowed through her must have shone from her eyes . she did n't think she could hide it if she tried . `` that would be good , '' she said shyly . `` merry christmas , mary jo . '' `` merry christmas , mack . '' just then the nurse showed up carrying noelle . `` it 's lunchtime , '' she said cheerfully . mary jo held out her arms for her baby , born on christmas eve in cedar cove , the town that had taken her in . a town whose people had sheltered her and accepted her . the town that , one day , she 'd love to call home . home for her and noelle . one troy davis had been with the sheriff 's department in cedar cove for most of his working life . he knew this town and he knew these people ; he was one of them . four times now he 'd been elected to the office of sheriff by an overwhelming majority . sitting at his desk on this bleak january day , he let his mind wander as he sipped stale coffee . the department stuff was never good , no matter how recently it 'd been brewed . as he sat there , he thought about sandy , his wife of more than thirty years . she 'd died last year of complications related to ms . her death had left a gaping hole in his life . he 'd often discussed his cases with her and had come to appreciate her insights . she usually had opinions , carefully considered ones , on what led people to commit the crimes that brought them to his attention . troy would 've been interested in her views on one of his current cases .	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she shook paul 's hand firmly before turning to gabriel . `` mr. norris and i are having dinner this evening . i 'd like you and julianne to join us . '' gabriel 's voice was strained . `` since we 'll be dining with you this evening , mr. norris , i 'll claim my wife for lunch . '' he smiled , showing all his gleaming white teeth . `` darling , can i have a word ? '' she turned to katherine and paul . julia took gabriel 's hand and led him to a quiet corner of the room . `` i want to have lunch with him . '' `` an old friend who kissed you . '' `` that was after you left me . as you may recall , i turned him down . '' `` paul is not someone who would make a pass at a married woman . so i 'm asking you , please , do n't make a big deal out of this . '' `` i have n't seen him in a year . i 'd like to talk to him and see how he 's doing . maybe he 's back together with allison . '' gabriel crowded her , dropping his voice . `` you forget that women who are beautiful , intelligent , and kind are in short supply . a man would do anything to have a woman like you . including stealing you from your husband . '' julia squared her shoulders . `` you forget that when a woman finds a good man , a man who loves her and makes her happy , she does n't f**k around . '' he could n't help it-his eyes found christa 's and he watched as she taunted him , looking between himself and julia smugly . gabriel turned back to his wife and uncrossed his arms . julia reached up to kiss his cheek . within minutes , gabriel found himself in the unhappy position of having to watch his wife sit next to the angelfucker , while he sat on her other side . she and her friend exchanged a few playful words before the session began , and gabriel resented each and every one of them . this conference is like a tour through the various levels of hell , he thought . the only things missing are a respectable virgil and hordes of people screaming . it was one thing to suffer the slings and arrows of miss peterson . it was quite another to find his wife in the arms of another man . and in the arms of the angelfucker , of all people . gabriel started reciting the prayer of st. francis in italian in an effort to calm down . he knew that he should tell julia about his confrontation with christa . but he also knew that it would upset her , potentially ruining her opportunity to appear poised and self-confident in front of the conference attendees . so he kept the distasteful details to himself . besides , he had mr. norris to worry about . paul had been a good and loyal friend to julia , especially when she 'd needed him . but he 'd made a play for her , something gabriel understood but would never forgive . he wanted to keep julia as far away from him as possible . but the look on her face when she saw him killed that possibility . she 'd had precious little to smile about the day before . gabriel was not about to kill that look . he tapped his foot quietly as the first conference speaker began her presentation . he was absolutely oblivious to the distracting noise his handmade italian shoes were making against the floor until julia laid a gentle hand on top of his knee . he took out his meisterstuck 149 and toyed with it , trying in vain to flip it over his fingers in a single motion . in an effort to distract himself from a paper he swore he 'd heard before , he thought back to his very public fight with julia , when she 'd been a student in his seminar . she 'd provoked him in front of paul , christa , and the rest of the class . he 'd been horribly embarrassed and furious . in his rage , he 'd even destroyed what had been a very serviceable ikea chair . he 'd learned a great deal from julia in the interim , not least of which was the importance of forgiving others and one 's self . but julia 's pacifist tendencies were too extreme . without him , or someone like him , she 'd been broken and abused . gabriel watched her thoughtfully . perhaps she 'd become a pacifist because she 'd been abused . perhaps the bearer of scars was all too aware of the damage that could be done by vicious words and deeds . he pondered that insight for some time , staring at her , until she squirmed . julianne was beautiful , with clear skin and large eyes , but she did n't know it .	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then he would n't have to worry about her marrying a fortune hunter . he might also believe that a husband and kids would make her think twice before taking risky trips into the wilderness . yet he had n't seemed as overjoyed with the marriage prospect as she would have expected . no matter how she sliced it , she kept coming to the same conclusion-mitchell had a crush on her . although he did n't believe she could ever be his , he did n't want to think about her marrying someone else . a crush would explain everything . given the probability of that , she had no business hav*g sx with him , not tonight , not ever . he would n't be practical about it , as she 'd projected earlier today . he would get in deeper and be hurt worse . pulling a couple of beers out of the refrigerator , she closed the door with her hip . sure , mitchell might be willing to take whatever crumbs she 'd toss his way . that 's how a guy would react if he had a hopeless case . but for her to get his hopes up by giving in to her own selfish urges-that would be cruel . so it looked as if she 'd be playing poker tonight and then going to bed . thinking of that , she went back to the refrigerator and pulled out two more beers . * * * mitch discovered that his bathroom door was still mia , apparently being repaired by clyde in his spare time . since the door from the bathroom into ally 's room could only be locked from the bathroom side , mitch had instant access to her room . he decided to get the bug out from under her bed before she came in . scooting under the bed on his back , he took off his glasses and stuck them in his pocket as he peered around , trying to remember exactly where he 'd attached the damned thing . was it on the inside of the left leg at the end of the bed , or the right leg ? if he were n't thinking so much about sex right now , he 'd be able to remember . as he was searching for it , the door opened . how in god 's name would he explain this ? in the process of fumbling to get his glasses back on and wiggling out from under the bed , he banged his head on the support rail . you hit your head ! he rubbed his head and sat up . holding a pair of beer bottles in each hand , she regarded him with great suspicion . `` okay , now that i know you 're fine , please explain what the hell you were doing under my bed . '' * * * chapter twenty mitchell scrambled for an explanation . clearly she did n't believe that for a minute . `` usually when someone sees something under the bed and goes to investigate , they crawl under on their belly . scooting under on your back makes no sense . '' god , he was so screwed . he pushed his glasses more firmly onto the bridge of his nose , buying time . `` well , mitchell ? '' `` okay , ally . i was n't going to let you know about this , because i thought it might freak you out . but i think your bed is bugged . '' `` what do you mean , my bed is bugged ? '' are we talking creepy crawly things or are we talking little electronic things ? '' `` little electronic things . '' now she was looking at him like he was crazy . `` mitchell , did you see that movie a while back , a beautiful mind ? it 's the one where russell crowe plays the genius guy who has imaginary friends and thinks there 's some sort of conspiracy he has to untangle . '' `` i saw it , but- '' `` because that 's who you 're sounding like-that guy . and never mind about the bug situation . he slid back under the bed , finally saw the device he 'd planted and pulled it loose . this time when he came out from under the bed he was careful not to whack himself on the head . he already had enough problems without adding a concussion to the list . she crouched down and studied the microtransmitter . `` a bug . '' she continued to gaze at it . `` boy , i owe you an apology . it sure looks like one . but why would anyone put a bug under my bed ? '' `` well , i have a theory . '' which he would pull right out of his ass . `` this lodge would have been the perfect out-of-the-way rendezvous for double agents during the cold war . russia is right across the bering strait . '' if she believed this woolly tale , he should take up fiction writing . `` you think double agents stayed here ? '' `` so this bug is n't here for me . it 's been around a while . '' was there a chance he 'd get away with this ? `` looks pretty new . not even dusty . '' or maybe he would n't get away with shit .	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`` i 've been on carol 's hate list since the day flynn brought me home to meet the family eight and a half years ago . '' gretchen made a sympathetic moue . `` the only reason i 'm not on the same list is because my family could buy and sell her ten times over , and since i now control all that lovely money ... '' she shrugged and glanced over her shoulder . `` let me share a little something i learned from being an abused wife . people can only make you feel inferior if you let them . '' renee identified the paraphrased quote . i 've learned to hold my head high-especially when the sharks are circling in the water . and make no mistake about it , carol maddox is a shark . if she smells blood in the water , she will attack from your weakest side , and she wo n't be particularly concerned about collateral damage . '' a frisson raced over renee , but gretchen was n't telling her anything she did n't already know . but she was n't going to let carol 's snobbery dampen her good mood . instead , renee planned to focus on her successes and her future with flynn . `` you exceeded my expectations for tonight , renee . i enjoyed working with you , and you literally saved my event , and because of that i raised a lot of cash for the shelter . leave as many business cards as you brought with you . i 'll see that they end up in the right hands . '' with a nod , gretchen returned to her guests . apart from her mother-in-law , life was just about perfect right now , and renee was n't going to let anything or anyone ruin it for her this time , not even carol maddox . renee stuffed the party leftovers in the refrigerator and closed the door . it was just after one in the morning and she should be exhausted , but she was still too keyed up to sleep . she could n't help feeling a teensy bit deflated . she wanted to share her excitement with flynn , but the lights had been off upstairs when she 'd pulled into the driveway fifteen minutes ago , which meant flynn was probably asleep . but mostly , she 'd wanted to thank him for making tonight happen with his calls to gretchen and the employment agency . she crossed to the laundry room , stripped off her uniform and dropped it into the washer . rolling her tense shoulders , she returned to the kitchen and jerked to a stop . flynn waited with one hip parked against the counter . he wore nothing but his boxers . she took in his gorgeous physique and her mouth watered . his eyes raked her nak*dness . `` trust me , even if you had , the view is well worth the trip downstairs . i wanted to hear about your night . '' `` the event went well . i have leftovers in the fridge if you 're hungry . '' the glint in his eyes made her heart trip . `` come upstairs and find out . '' desire coiled inside her belly as she laid her palm across his . flynn jerked her close . he pressed a quick hard kiss on her lips and then drew back . looking her up and down , hunger evident in his eyes and in the bulge rising in his briefs , he shook his head as if denying himself and then led her upstairs . `` flynn , thank you for tonight , '' she said as she climbed . `` none of this would have happened if you had n't called gretchen . '' when she reached the landing she heard water running . in the bedroom she smelled her favorite bath salts . and then in the bathroom , she spotted the steaming claw-foot tub . flynn 's hands landed on her shoulders . he pulled her back flush against his front . your muscles are knotted . nights on the town always jazzed you up before . i thought you might need to unwind . remember how we used to end most party nights in here ? '' the memories of sexy shared baths combined with his teeth grazing the curve of her shoulder made her shiver . does that mean you 're going to join me ? '' she felt his smile against her neck . you soak and give me a replay of the night . i 'll play masseur and enjoy the view . '' she tested the water and then climbed into the tub . flynn lathered his hands and then sat on a vanity stool he 'd placed behind her head . he gently dug his thumbs into her tense neck muscles , rubbing out the kinks until she sighed . he pressed a kiss on her ear and kneaded her shoulders . `` i hope tonight is just the beginning of a new successful venture , but if it takes a while to get cgc off the ground , that 's okay . there 's nothing we ca n't handle if you level with me . '' she knew he still wondered why she 'd run seven years ago . she 'd caught him watching her with a question in his eyes several times . she yearned to confess . flynn hated weakness as much as she did .	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he was very afraid that when this was all over , he would n't have proven himself worthy to her . chapter 15 `` i do n't like the idea of leaving you and sophie alone , '' garrett said as he navigated traffic through nashville , toward the airport . sam leaned against the door , sophie in his arms , her lower body sprawled across the seat . she 'd fallen asleep thirty miles out of dover , and her soft , even breathing filled the back of the vehicle . he absently ran his fingers through the strands of blond hair resting on her cheek as he stared back at garrett 's reflection in the rearview mirror . `` i do n't want to give resnick our location . he was way too damn eager to know about sophie . given half a chance , he 'd bring in a team and take her . if you go and bring him in , i do n't have to worry about that happening . '' `` i 'll make damn sure we are n't followed . if i have to drug and blindfold the f**ker , he wo n't have a clue where i 'm taking him . '' garrett drove into the long-term parking lot and cut the engine . sam gently touched sophie on the cheek . `` sophie , wake up . we 're at the airport . '' her eyelids fluttered and then popped open . she tried to rise , her movements awkward against him . he helped her to a sitting position , and she stared around , her eyes wide . `` sam , i do n't have any of my documents . my passport . '' `` we 're not flying anywhere . garrett is . but nobody has to know that . we 're going to take a trip into the terminal and then you and i are going to slip back out and change vehicles . '' `` where is garrett going ? '' garrett glanced at sam and then back at sophie . `` just a little fact-finding mission . i 'll meet up with you two at eagle one . '' sophie shook her head as if clearing the cobwebs as sam helped her from the back of the suv . `` what is eagle one ? everyone keeps talking about it . '' `` one of our safe houses , '' sam said . he tucked her elbow into his palm and directed her toward the elevator . `` act natural , sophie . we do n't want to draw any undue attention . '' twenty minutes later , sam and sophie exited through the passenger pickup and got into a cab . he directed the driver to a location just outside the downtown area and then sat back and pulled sophie to him . she shook her head against the crook of his arm . i 'm hungry again , but i stay hungry these days . '' he smiled and automatically glanced down at her belly , which was pressed to his side . `` i 'll get you something to eat as soon as we 're on our way again . '' she did n't question him further . did n't ask where they were going or how long it would take . she just settled against him and rested . they got out of the cab , and sam put sophie into the front seat of a black ford expedition . then he unlocked the back and pulled up the flooring to survey the small arsenal stashed there . he holstered a glock , popped the clip into one of the assault rifles , then pulled out the sat phone and a small gps unit . he put the flooring back down and then walked back to get into the driver 's seat . sophie 's eyes widened briefly when she took in the rifle , but she did n't say a word as he laid it barrel-down between their seats . `` we 're not going far today , '' he told her as he cranked the engine . `` i 've sent steele and his team ahead to recon . we 'll stay behind them until he gives me the all clear . thought you might like hot food , a hot bath and a comfortable bed . '' her hands shook in her lap and she looked up at him , her eyes stark and hollow . `` that would be absolutely wonderful . '' he reached for her hand , curling his fingers around hers as he pulled onto the highway . for a moment her hand lay limply in his , until finally she threaded her fingers tighter into his and held on . they pulled into a roadside motel a few hours later . it was n't the ritz , but it was n't a dive either . at the moment , sophie did n't care as long as nothing crawled on her and it had running water and a decent bed . in fact , the bed did n't even have to be decent . surprisingly , she was pain-free , and she could actually move her arm in varying degrees without irritating her wound . she still ached from head to toe , but she was looser now , and if she could get another hot bath , it would go a long way in restoring her fortitude .	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the free booze had worked its magic , and jeremy was deluged with congratulations after the show had ended . `` you were fantastic , '' nate said . at forty-three , nate was short and balding and had a tendency to wear suits that were just a bit too tight in the waist . no matter , the man was energy incarnate and , like most agents , positively buzzed with fervent optimism . `` thanks , '' jeremy said , downing the remainder of his beer . `` this is going to be big for your career , '' nate went on . `` it 's your ticket to a regular television gig . no more scrambling for lousy freelance magazine work , no more chasing ufo stories . i 've always said that with your looks , you were made for tv . '' `` you have always said that , '' jeremy conceded with the eye-rolling manner of someone reciting an oft-given lecture . the producers from primetime live and gma keep calling , talking about using you as a regular contributor on their shows . you know , 'what this late-breaking science news means for you ' and all that . a big leap for a science reporter . '' `` i 'm a journalist , '' jeremy sniffed , `` not a reporter . '' `` whatever , '' nate said , making a motion as if brushing away a fly . `` like i 've always said , your looks are made for television . '' `` i 'd have to say nate 's right , '' alvin added with a wink . `` i mean , how else could you be more popular than me with the ladies , despite having zero personality ? '' for years , alvin and jeremy had frequented bars together , trolling for dates . alvin bernstein , whose name conjured up a clean-cut , bespectacled accountant-one of the countless professionals who wore florsheim shoes and carried a briefcase to work-did n't look like an alvin bernstein . as a teenager , he 'd seen eddie murphy in delirious and had decided to make the full-leather style his own , a wardrobe that horrified his florsheim-wearing , briefcase-carrying father , melvin . fortunately , leather seemed to go well with his tattoos . alvin considered tattoos to be a reflection of his unique aesthetic , and he was uniquely aesthetic on both his arms , right up to his shoulder blades . all of which complemented alvin 's multiply pierced ears . `` so are you still planning a trip down south to investigate that ghost story ? '' nate pressed . jeremy could fairly see the wheels clicking and clacking away in his brain . `` after your interview with people , i mean . '' jeremy brushed his dark hair out of his eyes and signaled the bartender for another beer . primetime or no primetime , i still have bills to pay , and i was thinking i could use this for my column . '' `` but you 'll be in contact , right ? not like when you went undercover with the righteous and holy ? '' he was referring to a six-thousand-word piece jeremy had done for vanity fair about a religious cult ; in that instance , jeremy had essentially severed all communication for a period of three months . `` i 'll be in contact , '' jeremy said . `` this story is n't like that . i should be out of there in less than a week . 'mysterious lights in the cemetery . ' `` hey , you need a cameraman by any chance ? '' alvin piped in . jeremy looked over at him . head south for the winter , maybe meet me a nice southern belle while you pick up the tab . i hear the women down there will drive you crazy , but in a good way . it 'll be like an exotic vacation . '' `` are n't you supposed to be shooting something for law and order next week ? '' as strange as alvin looked , his reputation was impeccable , and his services were usually in high demand . `` yeah , but i 'll be clear toward the end of the week , '' alvin said . `` and look , if you 're serious about this television thing like nate says you should be , it might be important to get some decent footage of these mysterious lights . '' `` that 's assuming there are even any lights to film . '' `` you do the advance work and let me know . i 'll keep my calendar open . '' `` even if there are lights , it 's a small story , '' jeremy warned . `` no one in television will be interested in it . '' `` not last month , maybe , '' alvin said . `` but after seeing you tonight , they 'll be interested . you know how it is in television-all those producers chasing their own tails , trying to find the next big thing . if gma is suddenly hot to trot , then you know the today show will be calling soon and dateline will be knocking at the door .	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she would sound crazy if she told him that she did n't feel safe away from the ranch . he 'd want to know why , and what could she tell him ? that she 'd had two phone calls and the other person would n't say anything , just quietly hung up ? that happened to people all the time when someone had dialed a wrong number . but she could n't shake the feeling that something menacing was waiting out there for her if she left the sanctuary of the ranch , where john rafferty ruled supreme . she sighed , turning her face into his throat . she was overreacting to a simple wrong number ; she 'd felt safe enough all the time she 'd been alone at her house . this was just another little emotional legacy from her marriage . `` all right , i 'll go . he kissed her slowly , feeling the tension drain out of her , but he could still sense a certain distance in her , as if her mind were on something else , and frustration rose in him . he could n't pinpoint it , but he knew it was there . michelle slipped from his arms , shaking her head as she stood . `` you gave me just enough time to get ready , did n't you ? '' `` we could share a shower , '' he invited , dropping his last garment at his feet . he stretched , his powerful torso rippling with muscle , and michelle could n't take her eyes off him . `` i do n't mind being late if you do n't . '' `` thanks , but you go ahead . '' she was nervous about this party . even aside from the spooky feeling those phone calls had given her , she was n't certain how she felt about going . she did n't know how much the ranching crowd knew of her circumstances , but she certainly did n't want anyone pitying her , or making knowing remarks about her position in john 's house . on the other hand , she remember anyone as being malicious , and she had always liked addie layfield and her husband , steve . this would be a family oriented group , ranging in age from frank and yetta campbell , in their seventies , to the young children of several families . people would sit around and talk , eat barbecue and drink beer , the children and some of the adults would swim , and the thing would break up of its own accord at about ten o'clock . john was waiting for her when she came out of the bathroom after showering and dressing . she had opted for cool and comfortable , sleeking her wet hair straight back and twisting it into a knot , which she 'd pinned at her nape , and she wore a minimum of makeup . she had on an oversize white cotton t-shirt , with the tail tied in a knot on one hip , and loose white cotton drawstring pants . her sandals consisted of soles and two straps each . on someone else the same ensemble might have looked sloppy , but on michelle it looked chic . he decided she could wear a feed sack and make it look good . `` do n't forget your swimsuit , '' he said , remembering that she had always gone swimming at these parties . she 'd loved the water . michelle looked away , pretending to check her purse for something . `` i 'm not swimming tonight . '' `` i just do n't feel like it . '' her voice had that flat , expressionless sound he 'd come to hate , the same tone she used whenever he tried to probe into the reason she sometimes became so quiet and distant . he looked at her sharply , and his brows drew together . he could n't remember michelle ever ''not feeling '' like swimming . her father had put in a pool for her the first year they 'd been in florida , and she had often spent the entire day lolling in the water . after she 'd married , the pool had gone unused and had finally been emptied . he did n't think it had ever been filled again , and now it was badly in need of repairs before it would be usable . but she 'd been with him almost a month , and he did n't think she 'd been in his pool even once . he glanced out at the balcony ; he could just see a corner of the pool , blue and glittering in the late afternoon sun . he did n't have much time for swimming , but he 'd insisted , eight years ago , on having the big pool and its luxurious landscaping . damn it , this whole place was for her : the big house , the comforts , that pool , even the damn mercedes . he 'd built it for her , not admitting it to himself then because he could n't . why was n't she using the pool ? michelle could feel his sharpened gaze on her as they left the room , but he did n't say anything and , relieved , she realized he was going to let it go . maybe he just accepted that she did n't feel like swimming .	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she did n't believe his story concerning werewolf safe sex , but she wanted to . the more he moved gracefully around the cave , the more she fantasized about what sex would be like with a man so powerfully athletic . picking up her own bowl , she lowered herself into a cross-legged position on the stone floor of the cave . the cool surface helped soothe the heat building inside her , despite her vow to remain celibate from this moment on . roarke sat across from her in one fluid movement that made her mouth go dry . why did he have to sit cross-legged like that , which caused the fleece of his sweats to outline the very part of him she was trying to ignore ? he took a spoonful of his stew and closed his eyes . his open appreciation of the food reminded her of the way he 'd openly appreciated her response when he 'd stroked her to a shattering cli**x . now he 'd come up with a story about sperm that knew when to swim upstream and when to stay in the tank . he rested his spoon against the side of the bowl . `` ever read margaret mead 's studies of the trobriand islanders ? '' `` turns out those people have something in common with werewolves . '' he took another mouthful of stew . she started eating her stew and fought against the potent combination of virility and intelligence that was roarke wallace . if he could n't seduce her with the first quality , he was n't shy about employing the second . `` the society does n't curtail sexual behavior among young people , but they do n't use any physical method of birth control . from the time they hit puberty , they 're allowed as much sexual exploration as they want . '' she put down her spoon . nobody gets pregnant . '' he pointed his spoon at her . `` they 're all werewolves ? '' `` not to my knowledge , but i should probably check into that to be sure . according to margaret mead , the girls do n't get pregnant because it would be socially unacceptable to do that until they 're married . they can control conception mentally . '' `` your justification gets stranger every minute . now you 're telling me that you have some kind of mind control over your sperm ? '' do you call a meeting prior to a sexual event and remind them to hold tight ? '' `` abby , it 's far more sophisticated than- '' `` and i suppose you must have to hold another meeting when you want to turn those little suckers loose . shoot off a starting gun , maybe , so they 'll know the race to the egg is officially on . '' `` go ahead and make fun of it , but no werewolf in history has ever dealt with a paternity issue . '' she almost choked on her stew . `` now there 's a statement that i can fact-check . the minute i get in range , i 'm going to fire up my blackberry and google werewolf paternity cases . i 'm going to take a wild guess that i wo n't find any , which , amazingly , happens to support your case . '' `` what reason would i have to lie about this ? '' she scooped up the last of her stew and paused before putting the spoon in her mouth . because you neglected to bring condoms on this trip and you belatedly realized you 'd like to get in my pants ? '' `` okay , do n't believe me . '' `` you 're probably right that we should n't have sex . '' `` besides , it could turn out to be bad sex , and how awkward would that be ? we 'd still have to finish this sasquatch project and hang out with each other while knowing we 'd had bad sex . better to have no sex than bad sex , do n't you think ? '' she should know better than to debate anything with a man who obviously had an iq that was off the charts . `` i 'll make this one comment , and then i 'll suggest a new topic of conversation . '' he gazed at her with obvious amusement . `` damn it , we would n't have bad sex , roarke , and you know it . you 're just trying to get a rise out of me and make me want to prove that sex between us would be exceptional . which it would be . '' his green eyes gleamed with triumph . `` yet you 're willing to give it up because you doubt what i 've told you . you once admitted that you know nothing about werewolves and want to learn , but now when i tell you something significant , you refuse to believe it 's true . '' electricity hummed through her body and she had the urge to lean toward him . she imagined that if she did , she 'd hear the buzzing sound of connections made and the snap of sparks generated . he was part magician , and she was in danger of falling under his spell . `` as promised , i 'm introducing a new topic , '' she said . `` how was your run through the woods ? 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he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and punched the contact button for micah . micah would at least understand the situation and he could likely offer cole some been there done that if nothing else . he had a feeling this was going to involve a lot of alcohol . chapter 37 `` marry me . '' ren stiffened in lucas 's arms and pushed away from his chest to stare at him . ren did n't even equate marriage with lucas . lucas was anything but . he was a free spirit . liked things his own way . he was n't one to uphold tradition . he was much too likely to forge his own , separate from the ideals of the majority . she did n't doubt that he loved her . his confession had been painful and almost angry . but it had been raw and honest and she knew without a doubt he spoke the truth . for that matter , she was n't sure she was a traditionalist in that sense . `` marry me , '' he said again softly . her brain synapses were firing but she could n't seem to get her tongue to work . `` i see i 've managed to make you speechless . '' `` yeah , you know , that thing that people do when they 're in love and want to commit to a future together ? it 's customary to participate in a ceremony of sorts , exchange rings or other meaningful symbols of their love and they make promises to remain faithful , et cetera , et cetera . '' `` smart ass , '' she muttered . `` i know damn well what it is . i just did n't imagine that you were the marrying type . i 'm pretty sure you 've told me in the past that marriage was n't an institution in which you were swayed to participate in . '' `` sometimes i can be a dumbass . and other times i 'm wrong . i want us to get married , ren . i want that commitment from you but more than that , i want to offer my commitment to you so that you 'll know without a doubt that i 'll love and cherish you for the rest of my life . '' `` lucas , if you 're doing this so that i 'll feel secure , i assure you i do n't need a gesture so grand . '' `` it 's what i want , ren . in that case ... '' she bit her lip , suddenly overcome with the magnitude of the moment . this was n't something to be taken lightly even if she 'd never quite imagined herself in such a position . but is n't it what she wanted ? deep down ? had n't she dreamed of love and children and happily ever after ? she certainly had once with cole . `` in that case ? '' `` perhaps we should wait . maybe when things are n't such a ... mess . '' he cupped her cheek and stared into her eyes until she was disconcerted by the intensity in his gaze . `` tell me something , ren . what is your first impulse ? what was that very first gut reaction telling you right before you started to overthink the situation and come up with reasons why you should n't ? '' `` i would have said yes . '' triumph gleamed in those dark , delicious eyes . a predatory smile carved the hard lines of his mouth . `` then that is what you should do . '' `` you would marry me even knowing that i was in love with another man ? '' she hated to bring cole up again but it would n't be fair if they did n't at least take her feelings into consideration before making such a huge decision . lucas kissed her gently , his lips moving warm and tender across hers . `` do you love me , ren ? '' `` you know i do , '' she said huskily . `` then that 's all that matters to me . '' then yes , i 'll marry you . '' even as she said the words , it felt like she was closing a concrete seal over a tomb . her heart ached with grief . for a man she had loved and did love . would always love . but perhaps in time it would dim and fade and she would n't think of him so much . she 'd done it once . had gotten on with her life when she had n't been able to imagine doing so . and she had n't had lucas then . not for nine long years . but she had him now and no matter what she felt for cole , she did love lucas with all her heart and soul . a kernel of peace settled over her soul . in time she would n't feel so raw . she just had to get through the present . she smiled up at lucas , her heart full of love . he smiled back and gathered her hand in his . he traced a line around her ring finger with the tip of his . `` it 's customary for a man to give his intended bride a glittering , expensive token of his love and devotion . '' `` i think perhaps we should choose one together . i would want you to have a ring you 're happy with . 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normally , women were slipping keys into his pockets , phone numbers in his fingers , making it more than clear they were available for his pleasure , day or night . the one woman he wanted a second date with could n't seem to get far enough away from him . he finally found her at one of his family holiday parties . she 'd told him she 'd made a mistake , and she 'd rather forget about the entire night . he 'd managed to change her mind , though , once again getting her to dance with him , until they 'd ended up sneaking off for a little privacy . he 'd nearly taken her again on one of the private balconies . someone had interrupted them , and the next thing he knew , she was gone again . the next time he 'd seen her had been at bree 's wedding , only a few months ago . she 'd once again tried to ignore him , but then , their eyes met across the room , hers unguarded for just a moment , and the need he saw in her stormy brown depths nearly dropped him to his knees . he wanted to throw her over his shoulder , and find somewhere they could be alone , so he could love her until they were both fully sated . he 'd managed to stop himself - just barely . `` what stopped you in your tracks so suddenly ? i thought you might be on a mission to carve a path in the floor . i 've been trying to get your attention for like five minutes as you stare into space , '' trenton went on , his face looked worried . he probably thought his brother had finally snapped . `` kinsey . '' his brothers had ribbed him endlessly after the wedding , then later , when he 'd chased her at the christmas party . they knew she 'd made an impact on him , but since he had n't said anything about her in months , they 'd laid off . from the look on his brother 's face , he was about to get another dose of brotherly goading . trenton whistled as his head turned and he took in kinsey 's petite frame . scrubs normally were n't known for their sex appeal , but she looked damn good in her light green cotton pair . with her hair pulled back in a sloppy bun and devoid of makeup , she looked like a teenager , instead of a woman , though he knew first hand she was no school girl . his groin tightened even more . `` i ca n't believe there is n't a ring on her finger . what 's the hold-up , anyway ? you obviously want her , so why do n't you do something about it ? '' `` i 'm not interested , '' austin lied . `` you going to ever tell me what happened ? '' i thought about it , but ... '' `` so you would n't mind if i told my friend , mick about her ... '' `` she 's not available , '' austin quickly interrupted . `` you sound awfully possessive for nothing going on , '' trenton accused . austin decided the comment did n't warrant a response . he knew his brothers well and if he gave them even an inch , they 'd have him by the scruff of his neck . for a few simple moments , the two brothers had something other than stress to focus on . their father and uncle were n't forgotten about , but the distraction was welcomed . it certainly saved the nursing staff from at least two of the anderson men harassing them for an update every two minutes . austin 's eyes shifted back to where kinsey was in the middle of a heated debate about something . `` why do n't you go on over and play the knight in shining armor . '' `` have you ever heard of minding your own business ? '' austin finally said . `` hard to ignore a sexy brunette , '' trenton quickly replied . `` maybe i 'll go ahead and tell jennifer you 're ogling other women , '' austin threatened . trenton held his hands up in surrender . `` i can appreciate an attractive woman because no one comes even close to comparing to jennifer . she 's beautiful , incredibly sexy and makes my head spin . i ca n't imagine not having her in my life . '' `` you 've gone soft , '' austin mocked , but there was no heat behind his words . he loved his sister-in-law and was glad his brother had been lucky enough to find someone so special . she was a true gem . surprisingly , all his family members had been lucky in marriage . he was the only holdout at this point . it was starting to feel a bit lonely at family gatherings as he watched his brothers and cousins finding corners to neck in . they all seemed so much happier than when they were single ... `` when was your last serious relationship ? you seem more of a bear than usual . maybe if you got a girlfriend , you would n't wake up all hot and bothered , taking your bad mood out on the rest of us . 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ive got quite a few things made for the dinner , so it shouldnt be hard to find something to nibble on . since youre going to be in there , please stir the sauce on the stove , my mother said . i knew she had food cooking and had been at it all day . it kind of defeated my need to make something for rick to eat , but i could stir to try to keep myself from turning into a total blithering idiot . we kept quiet as we made our way to the kitchen , but i kept a firm grip on his hand , and that was good enough for me . i was sure he had all sorts of questions about what had happened in the years hed been gone . youre pretty open with your thoughts , baby girl . do you think you can lock them up for a little bit , at least from the majority of the mind readers in the other room ? youll probably want to make sure they cant hear us regularly too , unless you feel like having this chat telepathically . wed made it to the kitchen , so i stopped walking and turned to him . i couldnt think of anything that would require a cone of silence . hed just reappeared after five years and had claimed he didnt have any memories of that time . i didnt waste time quizzing him about what he considered secret . i pricked my finger with a kitchen knife i had to move to find and said a spell before returning to my spot . did something happen while you were gone you dont want everyone else to know ? if those fates played around with you , i will kill all of them . ive been doing a lot of research on how to do it and im pretty sure i could whip something up . no , what we need to talk about is what someone whispered into my ear before i felt a knife in my chest . he didnt have to say anything else for me to know he was right to make it a private conversation . i wouldve preferred never having the conversation , or at least waiting until he was settled , but it was probably best to get it out of the way . i have a feeling you wont be surprised , which is a little concerning . ive learned enough surprises about malphas that itd be impossible to not know there was always something else out there . rick stood there and just stared at me . id hoped hed be willing to go for the ripping it off like a bandage route , but i wasnt going to press him . if i waited long enough , he couldve decided i didnt need to hear whatever it was he had to say . he told me when i came back to let you know that eventually he would too , but hed made sure things would be different . he said something about wanting you to describe what it felt like when you pushed that knife through his heart . i thought he was a little delusional , since you hadnt stabbed him , but the worried look on your face tells me differently . id been wrong about nothing surprising me . i deemed it not the right time to think about what was said . i walked over to the stove and started stirring the sauce . im sorry i didnt wait to tell you , but you have to remember no time has passed for me . im going to grab a roll and a glass of water and head back out . ill keep everyone at bay with my amazing wit until youre ready to rejoin the party . i looked up briefly from my stirring and saw him filling a glass of water . thanks , freddie . i just need a second to fix this sauce . mom let it sit at too high of a heat for a little too long . he smiled and walked away , knowing i was making up the bit about the sauce . there wasnt really anything i could do about what hed said , other than hope the eventually he mentioned was millennium away . as i got back into my normal routine in a kitchen , i decided that was exactly what it meant and there was no reason to worry . id defeated the bad guy , brought together people whod been at war for centuries , and i had a family who i adored and they adored me back . life was perfect , and i promised myself it was always going to be that way . the end afterword one last twist i thought i knew exactly how things were going to end , and it was pretty dang close to what i envisioned . i didnt see malphas origins , or think they were something that would come into play , but im happy they were mentioned , even if they ended up being unexpected . as i predicted , when i wrote and reread the last two chapters , i had tears streaking down my face . my nose is still a little stuffed up as i write this final note . avery will always be the first character to take me by the hand and tell me her story . its like shes one of my children and im going to miss not writing more about her , much like i did after i took a break a couple years ago . hopefully this break wont last as long , ill be a good girl and update facebook and twitter when my focus switches back to avery and the gang .	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sometimes it was for a school reunion where they wanted to show friends and acquaintances-and prom queens and bullies-that they were flourishing . others simply wanted to move in a level of society they 'd never moved in before , even if for one night , to see what it was like . that was really what they rented at talk of the town . and a fantasy was what ava was trying to create for herself tonight . because only in a fantasy would she be welcomed in the society where she had once held dominion . and only in a fantasy would she and peyton walk comfortably in that world together . sixteen years ago , that would have been because no one moving in her circle wanted to include him at the party . today , peyton was welcome , but she was n't . before peyton 's return to chicago , ava had n't given a fig about moving in that world again . but since his arrival two weeks ago-and making love with him last night-she 'd begun to feel differently . not about wanting to rule society again . but about at least being welcome there . because that was peyton 's world now . and she wanted to be where he was . over the past two weeks , she 'd begun to feel differently about him . or maybe she was just finally being honest with herself about how she 'd always felt about him , even in high school . she 'd remembered so many things about him that she 'd forgotten over the years-things she had consciously ignored back then , but which had crept into her subconscious anyway . things that , for that one night at her parents ' house , had allowed her to let down her guard and feel for him the way she truly felt and respond to him the way she truly wanted to respond . she 'd remembered how his smile hooked up more on one side than the other , making him look roguish and irreverent . she 'd remembered how once , in the library , he had been so engrossed in his reading that she 'd enjoyed five full minutes of just watching him . she 'd remembered how he 'd always championed the other scholarship kids at emerson and acted as their protector when the members of her crowd were so cruel . and she 'd remembered seeing him stash his lunch under his shirt one day to carry it out to a starving stray dog behind the gym . they were all acts that had revealed his true character . acts that made her realize he was none of the things she and her friends had said about him and everything any normal girl would love in a boy . but ava had chosen to ignore them . that way she would n't have to acknowledge how she really felt about him , for fear that she would be banished from the only world she knew , the only world in which she belonged . even with the passage of years and the massive reversal in his fortune , peyton was still that same guy . he still grinned like a rabble-rouser and could still hone his concentration to the exclusion of everything else . he still rooted for the underdog , and he could n't pass a busker on the street without tossing half the contents of his wallet into the performer 's cup . and neither had the feelings she had buried so deep inside her teenage self . she expelled a soft sound of both surprise and defeat . sixteen years ago , she and peyton could n't have maintained a relationship because their social circles had prohibited it-his as much as hers . no one in his crowd would have accepted her any more than her crowd would have accepted him . and neither of them had had the skill set or maturity to sustain a liaison in secret . eventually it would have ended , and it would have ended badly . they would have burned hot and fast for a while , but they would have burned out . and they would have burned each other . and that would have stayed with them forever . now ... now it was the same , only reversed . peyton 's success had launched him to a place where he wanted and needed the `` right '' kind of woman for a wife-the kind of woman who would boost his image and raise his status even more . someone with cachet , who had entree into every facet of society . someone whose pedigree and lineage was spotless . he certainly did n't want a woman whose father was a felon and whose mother had succumbed to mental illness , a woman who could barely pay her own way in the world . he 'd fought hard to claw his way to the level of success he had-he 'd said so himself . he was n't going to jeopardize that for someone like her . not when the only thing she had to offer him was a physical release , no matter how explosive . maybe there was emotion , even love , on her part , but on peyton 's ? there had n't been when they were teenagers-he had n't been able to get out of her bedroom fast enough , and his antagonism toward her for the rest of the school year had been worse than ever-and not now , either .	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not that he had much doubt , but why make it easier for him to cast her as the villainess ? besides , she really was hungry . `` we 've talked about the press conference , dominic , law , and i . right now , jansen does n't know if you 're cooperating with us , so he 's in a holding pattern . if he realizes that you 're helping our case , he might destroy all the evidence or simply disappear . i do n't think we 'd ever convict him then . that would leave him roaming free ... and he might come back for you . you do n't want to be one of jansen 's loose ends . '' riley had some good points . he towered over her , his eyes soft for once . `` my brother is crazy about you . i ... it would be better if we could be friends . '' law wanted more . dominic wanted more . and riley just did n't . that deep connection she wanted so desperately was a puzzle , and she only had two of the pieces . `` sure , '' she said , hoping he could n't hear the defeat in her tone . `` do we have any tea ? '' he nodded and gestured to the cabinet over the sink . the james family keeps this place stocked . and the kettle is already on the burner . '' the momentary sense of intimacy between them ended when he broke physical connection . now , riley was so far from her in all the ways that counted . as she went to study the collection of tea , he resumed fixing the sandwich . i really do n't mean to hurt you . we 've just tried this before and it did n't work . '' she filled the kettle and set it on the burner , flicking the gas on . `` the whole 'we-all-love-you-so-let's-get-married ' thing . '' they 'd been engaged before ? she knew she did n't have a right , but jealousy stabbed its way through her system . kinley tried to keep her tone casual . `` she did n't want to marry me , not legally . she wanted dominic 's rock on her hand while she kept me and law on the side . she had no intention of acknowledging the two of us in public . '' that had to have hurt his pride . `` she wanted to have her cake and eat it , too . '' `` she wanted a normal social life , i guess . '' there was so much more to that small statement than his manner suggested . kinley picked out a packet of chamomile tea and set up two mugs . she 'd bet riley needed some sleep , too . `` maybe , but having it at the expense of you and law was n't right . besides , what 's normal ? '' he huffed incredulously . a couple of kids and a white picket fence . '' `` i think that 's overrated . i 've known gy couples who stayed in love so much longer than straight ones . and all the 'normal ' couples i used to admire are cheating or splitting up . i assumed i would have a normal marriage with greg . he 's one man and i 'm one woman , right ? well , he turned out to be a criminal jerk who 's screwing my sister and plotting to kill me . the two guys i have are wonderful . our relationship might not be traditional , but they make me feel special . '' `` when you 're done thinking about yourself , cupcake , consider dominic and law . if you stay with them , everyone will assume they 're gay . '' his stare met hers , a challenge rife there . `` and we 'll know they 're straight . '' i guess it 's not that bad , being considered gy and all . '' he focused on the sandwich again . something had rubbed him raw . kinley knew she should probably let it go , but his words niggled at her , telling her that understanding riley was too important to give up . even if he never joined their relationship , he was an integral part of law and dominic . `` so ... your fiancee was worried that it would seem like she was sleeping with g*y guys ? '' riley let out a low chuckle , but it held no humor . she was more concerned about what people would imagine went on if they knew she was sleeping with brothers . '' it took kinley a moment to process what riley was saying . once she did , her jaw dropped with shock at what this mystery woman had insinuated . you and law would never ... she 's a bitch . '' kinley never used that kind of language , but it seemed terribly appropriate now . riley stared at her for a moment , his face impassive . `` i share women with my brother . it 's not the average , so a lot of people let their imaginations go wild . if i was also involved with you , we 'd all get tainted by the whispers .	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it took me a long time to realize why he did what he did for me . i mean , i 'd never known anyone like him , and i had a hard time believing that there were people out there who were just ... good . i do n't think i said a single word to him that night . '' the next day , jim mentioned that to me . '' and anyway , he told us beforehand not to expect you to say much . said you were kind of timid . '' `` he called you mousy . '' `` i 've been called a lot of things , but mousy is n't one of them . '' `` well , i think he said that just so we 'd give you a chance . not that we really needed an excuse . the fact that both he and mabel liked you was enough for us . '' julie paused for a long moment , looking almost forlorn . `` it 's still hard for me to believe that i 'm here sometimes , '' she said . `` just the way things worked out . i mean , i 'd never even heard of swansboro until jim mentioned it , and here i am , twelve years later , still hanging around . '' mike looked at her over his bottle . `` you sound like you want to leave . '' julie tucked one leg beneath her . i mean , there was a while there after jim died that i thought i should start over someplace new , but i just never got around to it . and besides , where would i go ? it 's not like i wanted to live near my mom again . '' `` not for a few months . she called me on christmas and said she wanted to come up and visit , but i have n't heard from her since . i think she said that so i 'd offer to send her money for the flight or something , but i was n't about to do that . it would just open old wounds . '' `` i know that 's got to be hard . '' or it used to be , anyway . but i do n't really allow myself to think about it much anymore . when i first started going out with jim , i wanted to make contact with her , if only to let her know that everything had worked out for me . i guess i wanted her approval , you know ? it 's strange that i cared about that , but as disappointing as she was as a mother , it was still important . '' she did n't show up for the wedding , she did n't show up for the funeral . after that , i just sort of gave up . i mean , i 'm not rude when she calls , but there 's not much feeling there . i may as well be talking to a stranger . '' as she spoke , mike stared toward the darkening shadows near the trees . in the distance , small bats appeared and disappeared in blinks , as if they 'd never been there at all . `` henry drives me nuts half the time , and my parents are just as wacky as he is , but it 's nice to know they 're around for support . i do n't know what i 'd do without them . i do n't know if i could make it on my own like you have . '' `` you 'd make it . besides , i 'm not totally alone . i 've got singer here , and i 've got my friends . mike wanted to ask where richard fit into that equation but decided not to . he did n't want to ruin the mood . nor did he want to ruin the light , easy feeling he had now that his beer was almost finished . `` whatever happened with sarah ? i thought you two had something special going , and then all of a sudden , you were n't seeing each other anymore . '' mike adjusted himself in the chair . `` oh , you know ... '' `` no , not really . you 've never told me why it ended . '' `` there was n't much to tell . '' but what 's the real story ? '' mike was quiet for a long moment before shaking his head . cheat on you ? '' when mike did n't answer , julie suddenly knew her guess was correct . it was some guy from work . his car was at her house when i went by one morning . '' `` you mean did i get angry ? but to be honest , it was n't entirely her fault . i had n't exactly been the most attentive boyfriend at the end . i guess she felt neglected . '' `` i do n't know-i guess part of me knew it was n't going to last , so maybe i stopped trying . and then something was bound to happen . '' neither said anything for a moment , and noticing he was almost empty , julie pointed to his bottle . `` need another one ? '' she rose and mike scooted the rocker back a little to make room for her , watching as the door slapped shut behind her .	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each ear sported a good half dozen earrings ... and things . a silver circle winked from her left nostril , a gold one from her right eyebrow . for a moment , he wondered why she had n't bothered mutilating her lips , too , then he realized that they were probably too full to be pierced with anything smaller than a hula-hoop . her hair was an absolute riot of mahogany curls that she clearly had trouble containing , and her face was obscured by far too much makeup-enough so that , had he not already been told she was fourteen , he would have sworn she was in her twenties . all in all , chloe was absolutely nothing like he would expect a fourteen-year-old-girl to be . unless , of course , she was involved in activities like , oh , say , leaving pigs ' spleens on the beds of unsuspecting nannies . she seemed to be as surprised by leo 's appearance as he was by hers , because she stopped dead in her tracks the moment she laid eyes on him , an expression of stark , raving terror overtaking her features . before he had a chance to wonder why a girl who 'd jabbed her own face repeatedly with sharp objects would be afraid of him , her fear evaporated , to be replaced by an attitude of ... well , attitude . nobody spoke to leo with such utter disregard . he rose from his seat behind kimball 's desk , flexed every muscle he possessed , and glared at her with all the lack of concern he could muster . it was a pose he 'd affected many times with excellent results , always reducing his victim to full , blithering idiot status . yet chloe did n't so much as flinch . she spurred in a tone of voice one might use when addressing a cabbage . `` fri ... freiberger , '' he said . `` leonard freiberger . '' then , showing her the same total disrespect she 'd shown for him , he asked , `` who the hell are you ? '' but instead of answering his question , she said , `` no , i did n't mean who the hell are you . i meant , who the hell are you ? '' leo bit back a growl and reminded himself that she was nothing more than a mouthy fourteen-year-old girl , and that he was , for all intents and purposes , nothing more than mousy little bookkeeper leonard freiberger . and although leo friday would n't tolerate this kind of crap from some teenage girl-even if she did sport more hardware than sears-leonard probably would . so he forced himself to relax a little . `` i 'm a bookkeeper for kimball technologies . he tried again , already pretty certain of the answer he would receive . she had to be either chloe or a harbinger of ill fortune . and his money was on the former . `` i 'm chloe , '' she said . `` i 'm schuyler kimball 's daughter , '' she added in a voice that made clear she was in no way happy about that particular fact . `` not that he 'll ever admit to it , the prick . '' having absolutely no idea how to respond to that , leo chose to remain silent . not nearly everything i 'd like to do , leo thought . aloud , he said , `` i have n't done anything to her . '' `` well , when you see her , tell her i 'm up . '' he narrowed his eyes at the girl . she rolled her eyes in a manner he suspected was endemic to all fourteen-year-old girls , regardless of where they stuck their jewelry on their person . `` just tell her i went out , okay , einstein ? and that i 'll be back whenever . '' enough was enough , leo thought . not even a mousy , little bookkeeper with a name like leonard freiberger would put up with this much crap . unable to help himself , he snapped , `` hey , tell her yourself , lolita . `` yes , do tell me yourself , '' a third voice piped up . leo snapped his attention to the door , where lily rigby stood , her posture , if possible , even more menacing than young chloe 's . her outfit today was as borderline professional as it had been the day before , her charcoal-colored skirt a little too fitted , topped by a berry-colored sweater set that was a little too clingy . dressed as she was , with her hair wound up the back of her head again , she reminded leo all too uncomfortably of audrey hepburn , for whom he had always harbored a major , major lustfest . tiny as she was-nearly a foot shorter than he , and certainly a good eighty or ninety pounds lighter-miss rigby was clearly a force to be reckoned with , something that chloe seemed to realize immediately .	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it was a joy he had no intention of denying himself . he would be the one to wash it when she bathed , and he would dry it and comb through every single strand . the fire had died down to a bed of glowing coals , but he could n't make himself get up to go add more logs . he was content where he sat , his woman across his feet where he could feel every breath she took , every little sigh and twitch . shadows crossed the room as dusk fell , sweeping softly over fading daylight . a single lamp illuminated the room , casting a glow over serena 's sleeping form . as if wakened by the warm fingers of light , she stirred beneath his feet . he watched her shake off the web of sleep and slowly raise her head . she turned immediately as though in search of him . their gazes connected and satisfaction coiled deep in his chest that her first waking thought had been of him . `` come to me , '' he whispered , holding out his hand to her . she blinked away the last vestiges of fatigue , and her eyes brightened and glowed in the soft light . she got to her knees and slid her hand into his . for a moment he merely enjoyed that first touch , the tingle that slithered up his arm , bathing his skin in prickles of awareness . then he pulled her upward and coaxed her onto his lap . she settled into his chest , snuggling like a kitten seeking warmth . he wrapped both arms around her , holding her close . to his surprise , her lips nuzzled against his neck , pressing tiny kisses to his skin . `` carol will be bringing our food any time now . '' he slid one hand over the curve of her hip and to the softness of her buttocks . his fingers glanced off the plug , and she tightened against him . he asked as he traced the edge of the plastic . `` i 'll remove it when we go to bed , '' he said . unable to resist , he brushed his lips across her forehead . in response , she tilted her face up , a clear invitation for him to taste her lips . sweet , like licking a drop of syrup from a spoon . her taste was familiar to him yet each time was like the first . exciting and electrifying . her fingers fluttered to his jaw , stroking and touching him as he deepened the kiss . when she started to withdraw , he put his hand to cover hers , pushing her back to his face . a part of him long buried beneath ice thawed whenever her warmth enveloped him . the aching part of his soul eased . she was his comfort when he 'd long decided he would have none . a sound behind them caused him to pull away . he glanced behind him to see carol standing in the doorway with a dinner cart . he motioned her forward then arranged serena in a position that afforded her the most modesty , despite his earlier assertion that she would grow to ignore the presence of others . carol poured wine into the glasses , uncovered the plates and then briskly walked back out of the living room . the enticing aroma of the food wafted through his nostrils . next to him , serena shifted and sighed in contentment as she too caught the smell . he reached out to pull the cart a little closer to the chair . as he 'd requested , carol had prepared an array of finger foods . decadent pieces of scallop and lobster drenched in butter . crabcakes and grilled salmon . `` mmm , i love seafood , '' serena said . he took a piece of the lobster and held it to her mouth . he coaxed her lips open and left the morsel on her tongue . before he could take another piece of the food , she sat up and reached for the plate to choose an offering . she picked a shrimp and held it to his mouth . he opened and allowed her to feed it to him , her fingers brushing like fire across his tongue . they fed each other in silence , taking turns offering food from their fingers . their gazes never left each other for long , only to take the next bite and return with a smoldering blaze . when at last the food was gone , serena laid her head on his shoulder with a contented sigh . she raised her head just so she could see him . his hand stayed tangled in her hair and continued its downward trek . her husky sweet voice stirred a longing inside him that had nothing to do with sex or the urge to bury himself deep inside her . something just out of his reach that he was at a loss to explain . he pulled her back to him , letting her softness mold to his body . against his neck , she yawned and snuggled sleepily into his arms . `` why do n't i take you to the bedroom and remove the plug ? you can have a long soaking bath , i 'll wash your hair and we can have an early night . ''	[["joy", 12], ["joys", 12], ["joyed", 12], ["intention", 32], ["deny", 43], ["denying", 43], ["wash", 81], ["bathed", 100], ["dry", 119], ["drier", 119], ["drying", 119], ["comb", 131], ["combed", 131], ["every", 145], ["single", 152], ["strand", 159], ["fire", 170], ["die", 179], ["died", 179], ["bed", 193], ["glow", 204], ["glowest", 204], ["glowing", 204], ["coal", 210], ["coals", 210], ["get", 246], ["go", 255], ["goest", 255], ["add", 259], ["log", 269], ["logs", 269], ["content", 286], ["contenting", 286], ["sat", 299], ["sit", 299], ["woman", 311], ["womans", 311], ["across", 318], ["foot", 327], ["feet", 327], ["feel", 347], ["breath", 360], ["breathest", 360], ["take", 369], ["took", 369], ["little", 384], ["sigh", 389], ["sighest", 389], ["twitch", 400], ["twitching", 400], ["twitchest", 400], ["shadow", 410], ["shadowed", 410], ["shadows", 410], ["cross", 418], ["crossing", 418], ["crossed", 418], ["room", 427], ["roomed", 427], ["dusk", 435], ["fall", 440], ["falls", 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if he trained you , it 's no wonder you can take down a guy twice your size . '' jacey smiles , hovering near my elbow . close enough to touch , but i do n't . close enough to inhale , so i do , filling my lungs with the scent of apples . she 's a breath of fresh air , whether i want to admit it or not . or he was until a year or so ago . he is pretty badass . '' i 'm getting ready to reply when a group of guys headed for the locker room stop off beside us . `` dude , are you really dominic kinkaide ? '' one of them asks , his face dubious . i smile what i hope is a patient smile . `` yeah , that 's me , '' i answer . i can feel jacey watching the exchange with interest , but she remains silent . the kid grins . i loved annihilated . did you do your own stunts ? '' i nod , and the kids start chattering eagerly , asking me questions about leaping from a helicopter and how i 'd managed to flip my jet ski over backward . one of them runs to joe 's office to get paper for autographs , and the group grows from three guys to fifteen . the kid runs back and hands me a stack of scratch paper , and i start scrawling my name , handing an autograph to each boy surrounding me . as i do , i see jacey slip away from the ruckus . a part of me is disappointed by that . i 'm fascinated by the jacey that just laid jake out flat on his back . i want to know more about her , because she seems different from the jacey who works at saffron . after five minutes or so , joe sticks his head out of his office and barks at the boys . you 're not here to get autographs . let the man do his job and you guys get back to work ! '' the kids sheepishly disperse , going back to their punching bags or to the locker room , and i head to the weight room to wipe down the seats . when i get there , i find jacey already crouched by a machine , cleaning it . when i walk in , she glances up at me and smiles . `` so that 's your life ? '' it 's why i do n't go out much . it 's just part of it . '' i grab a rag and help her , cleaning the other side of the machine she 's working on . `` well , i think it 's awesome , '' she answers . `` everyone loves you . that must be an amazing feeling . '' jacey , no one knows me . they know my face . they know the roles that i play . it 's how i like it . '' `` that 's depressingly lonely , dominic . '' `` not really , '' i mutter , bending next to her to grab the bottle of sanitizer . as i do , she wrinkles up her nose . you smell like sex . did you come straight from a whorehouse ? '' i feel myself flush , just a bit , because she caught me dead to rights . visions of the girl-on-girl action i was a part of just before i came here flash through my head . i had n't taken the time for a shower because i was late enough already . jacey shakes her head in ... what ? before i can figure out her reaction , she walks away , breaking whatever moment we 'd been having and leaving me staring after her in astonishment as she exits the room . no one ever walks away from me like that . but she just did . not only that , but she 's not looking back , either . she 's not so impressed with who i am that she 'll overlook any fault that i might have . interesting ... and unusual . as i stare at her shoulder blades , i realize it 's possible that there might be more to this girl than i thought . yeah ... no , there 's probably not . i decide this a few hours later as i walk into the parking lot at the end of my shift , after scrubbing toilets , refilling ice packs , and wiping graffiti off the wall . it 's clear that she 's exactly like i thought she was . kaylie , the girl from the party the other night , is dressed in her tiny server 's uniform , and she tosses a bag at jacey as jacey piles into kaylie 's little convertible . then , right in the parking lot , jacey hunches down in the seat and changes her clothes . i ca n't see anything , but i know what she 's doing . and so would the boys in the gym , if any of them happened to look outside . what the f**k is she thinking ? one leg extends high into the air , her toes pointed to the sky , as jacey slips her workout shorts off and her tiny uniform shorts on . the flimsy material sliding over her long legs leaves little to the imagination . does she want to invite trouble ?	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she 'd deal with him when he returned , and of course , take full responsibility for the festive decorations . his anger would be well worth it , when she got to step into the office and see the beautiful colors . soon , other office staff started coming in . the new employees were oohing and aahing at all the pretty colors , while his employees , who 'd transferred from chicago , warned her he would n't be too happy about it . her enthusiasm was infectious , though . soon , people were joining her in hanging up all kinds of decorations . some staff even went out on their lunch breaks and purchased more decorations and by the end of the day the entire floor had been transformed . she managed to get all her work done , so trenton could n't complain , but for the next month she 'd be able to walk into her office and feel the christmas spirit . she smiled and wished the staff merry christmas as they left for the day . it was a monday evening and molly was once again staying the night with her new best friend , since there was n't school for her the next day due to a teacher work day . it gave jennifer time to finish the rest of her work . she hung the last piece of mistletoe , then was startled by a throat clearing . she turned around guiltily , thinking she was going to have to face trenton a bit sooner than she 'd expected . her face lit up when she spotted george and joseph , instead . `` we heard about the decorations going up and had to come see them , '' george said . `` it used to look this way when my wife was still alive . she 'd make sure the holidays surrounded us and she kept the magic alive . i 'm glad you 've brought it back , '' george said with a tearful sparkle in his eyes . she 'd always been an affectionate person and could n't help herself from giving him a hug . he seemed to need one at that moment . george accepted her hug and kissed her forehead . with the holidays coming up and only she and molly left in her family , it felt like being home , wrapped in george 's arms . she did n't understand how trenton distanced himself from such a wonderful man . `` you really are a breath of fresh air for our family , jennifer , and i 'm grateful you 've brought this all back to us , '' he told her before letting go . `` i think we 'll have to send you to the other floors to make sure the entire building shines , '' joseph added . jennifer 's eyes lit up at the thought . she did n't know if he was serious or not , but she 'd love to decorate the building . `` just name the time and place and i 'll be there , '' she told him eagerly . `` i think we could get the boss to let her off the rest of the week . `` i would count on it , '' george said . she hoped she 'd actually get to do it - it would be much better than sitting behind a desk all day . she appreciated her job , but it did n't make her as excited as decorating did . `` i could work on the weekend if i can get a sitter for molly , '' she offered them , not wanting to anger trenton by taking time off work . `` weekend time is family time . we 'd never expect you to work , then . there wo n't be a problem with you decorating the building , we 'll take care of trenton , '' george said , as if reading her mind . `` well , if you do n't think it 's a problem , '' she said , still sounding unsure . `` we 're certainly sure , '' joseph added . the boys told her to meet them in the department store so they could get the decorations she 'd need , and then they headed out . she finished the work she thought would need to be completed and decided she 'd just make sure to swing by the offices at least a few hours during the day so nothing went undone . with all her work done , jennifer headed home . she entered her empty apartment and missed molly . it was amazing to her how she 'd grown so attached to her beautiful niece in such a short amount of time . she looked forward to the end of her day when she 'd get to spend the entire evening with her . she loved the hugs and kisses molly gave her . most of all she loved that her niece finally seemed healed as well as any child losing a parent can be . they were making a real home for themselves . she went to sleep , excited to decorate the office building and looking forward to molly coming home . she had christmas carols running through her mind . *** trenton stepped out of the elevator and a gasp escaped his lips . he looked around at the red and green decorations and stood silently as he also realized carols were playing over the speakers .	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sure , sometimes couples would have different intensities of calling , and sometimes wolves would settle for someone they were n't mates with at all for practical reasons , but he had always heard that once you found your true mate , it was obvious on both sides that it was a perfect match . and there was never , never a calling that would match a wolf and a human as mates . yet there she was . he turned away from her reluctantly , feeling the connection between them stretch and untangle as he walked down the hallway . he heard katherine 's heels clicking on the tile floor long before the human girl saw her . as soon as julia noticed who was picking him up , he felt a shock wave of sorrow from her , so strong that even at a distance it hit him hard in the chest . he gasped , stumbling forward . how could she not feel this connection ? even though he knew his eyes were blind , he could not help but ache to turn and look at julia one last time . to picture the image floating in his mind of what she was like . to reach out to her heart . she was hurting , and there was nothing he could do to stop that pain . and humans and wolves never mixed . `` what are you so lost in thought about ? '' katherine said , opening the car door for him . he got in and set his cane down between his legs , leaning his head back against the seat . dull twinges of pain were all that remained of julia 's hurt and anger . already the encounter seemed like a dream . he had met his mate , and she was human . `` just wondering if this is the right town for us . '' `` jordan thinks it 's a good area , '' katherine said . `` it 's a bad economy , so lots of the houses are for sale cheap . and a college town is perfect . with so many people coming and going , nobody will pay any attention to us . '' `` hmm , maybe , '' damien said . `` let 's see if the wildlife is anything to be reckoned with . '' he opened the audiobook and popped the cd into the car stereo . werewolves did n't need to eat other animals , but fresh meat was definitely a plus . damien really just wanted to make sure there were n't any other packs that would come through the area . bears and wolves both would pose a problem , whether they were shifter packs or not . jordan smelled deer in the forest when he went out scouting today . and no other wolves , not a single one , '' katherine said , driving quickly down the streets and making a sharp turn . damien hated being in the passenger seat when she was driving , not knowing when the next turn would throw him up against the window made him irritable . `` he ca n't smell migratory patterns , '' damien said , fast-forwarding the audiobook to the chapter on large predators in the wild . `` who 's to say that there are n't other packs coming through in the winter ? their smells would be gone by now . '' `` you do n't want to settle anywhere , '' katherine said . `` i want to settle , '' damien growled . `` for two years i 've been trying to find the pack a place to settle . but you of all people should know that we need to find a place without other wolves . '' katherine shut up at that . damien could hear her manicured fingernails scratching at the scar that ran across her entire stomach . she 'd been left for dead , and she was well aware of the dangers of other packs . but occasionally she could be overconfident . damien frowned , thinking about how he had connected with the human girl . he had to rewind the audiobook three times before he could focus enough to find out the important facts : that this area was clear of wolves for miles , and that the town that jordan and katherine had apparently fallen in love with was the perfect spot to live in . she lived here too . chapter three julia julia got back to the house just as the sun was starting to set . the dim rays seemed to set the branches of the pines on fire , the red and orange light casting halos on the trees . the river through the mountains shone red , too , and julia paused on the porch , looking out onto the wide field of her grandmother 's property . her eye caught the sign that the bank had stuck in the front of their yard : foreclosure . she frowned and went into the house as the sun dipped down lower and lower behind the darkened trees . her grandmother was standing in the kitchen , her arms covered in flour . `` hi there , julia , '' she said , leaning over to plant a kiss on julia 's cheek . `` hey granny dee , '' julia said . `` just getting ready for breakfast tomorrow , '' dee said , her eyes bright . `` we had two new guests check in ! '' the bed and breakfast had been dwindling ever since the foreclosure sign went up in the front yard . not many people wanted to stay in a place that was being foreclosed on , no matter how cozy and comfortable . `` how was working at the library today ? 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i smile at him and open the door to leave when the man who gave me the address enters . good evening , dr. angelis , what brings you here ? i was just delivering a letter for the artist . i have it mr. smythe , i was going to forward it to them this evening . taking the envelope from harry , he turns back to me . why dont i go upstairs and i could fax it to them . would you like to accompany me upstairs for a cold drink while i fax the letter ? although im not thirsty , im anxious to see the letter get to the artist so i follow him to the elevator . taking a key from his pocket , he places it in the slot and punches in a code next to the ph button . you must be quite anxious to secure this artist if you would come out late in the evening ? this project is extremely important to me . it sounds as if it is very personal to you . i mean i have filtered requests for his art from others , yet you seem very passionate about your project . i love helping children . we arrive upstairs , cross the foyer and entered a beautiful apartment with an extraordinary view . reginald stops at the window a moment . the view really takes your breath away when the city is all alight doesnt it ? as i join him there looking out at the spectacular site a strange feeling comes over me as if i had been here before , standing before this very glass , but not clearly seeing the city before me . as this thought crosses my mind , i remember how harry thought he knew me and wondered if there was some sort of connection , if i could be feeling this way because my sister had been here . i didnt even realize reginald has moved away until i hear him faxing my letter . dr. angelis , what would you like to drink ? its mia , please and water is fine . as i turn , i see the fax dialing a 207 exchange . the artist must be in maine . reginald returns with two sparkling waters . mia , i know you said that this project is important to you because you like helping children , but , if you dont mind my saying so , you seem to be driven by something more and salvatore was telling me that the wing was being named after your mother and spouse . yes , both of them passed away . they dedicated their lives to helping others and i want their legacies to live on and do the same . you seem rather young to have lost a spouse , was it an illness ? i cant understand his interest , but i feel more comfortable speaking with him than i have to people i have known for years . maybe its because he doesnt know my past and isnt trying to push me into a future i do not want to grasp . as he moves to sit on a recliner , i sit on the sofa . my husband was taken from me during a home invasion . losing someone suddenly can be quite traumatic . you sound as if you lost someone . yes , i did , it was a long time ago , but sudden and unexpected . i dont think that you ever get over something like that and no matter how hard others try to erase your memory of the events , your surroundings seem to bring them back , even if only in flashes or dreams . his tone turns serene . i find that my dreams tell me things that i hadnt realized about the time i spent with loved ones , sometimes they even reveal things i didnt realize when the events were occurring . it is quite a journey when you open yourself up and realize how much you shared with that person and how they forever touched your heart in a way that no one can erase . i know exactly what you mean and only those who have lost someone can truly understand that . despite my wanting to stay and speak with him more , i am mindful of the time . thank you for forwarding my request . i will speak with him directly and try to secure a positive result . i know how sincere you are about this project . i walk home hopeful . waking early the next morning , i call over to jonathans . good morning , mia . is it still alright for me to come over and work on the proposal this morning ? anthony is waiting downstairs for you when you are ready . i could have taken a taxi . he had to drop some paperwork off in town anyway . i dress quickly and true to his word , anthony is waiting for me . when i arrive , jonathan is in his office , working . moving around his desk , i see several schedules and blurbs opened on both computers . i thought i would get a jump start on the proposal . i plugged in some of the projections and believe that if we could rally enough support you will be able to build the wing you desire after these three benefits . i thought we would still be quite far off and i would have to seek alternative financing . you would go over the top , i believe , if you would allow the local newspapers to run a story on the physician who has expended most of her husbands insurance on allowing young children to recapture their lives , despite their lack of insurance .	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it is so swollen remembering the powerful strokes of his tongue and the way his thigh grazed me . my hunger has not only not been appeased , it has done the impossible and tripled until i feel rabid . he just opened up an unquenchable thirst and i do n't feel satisfied , but feel empty and anxious . my entire existence tonight is focused in watching that door . does he feel anything for me even remotely as strong as i do ? there 's this mean little part of me , the girl who broke her acl and who failed to accomplish her dream , the girl who does n't believe i can really have anything wonderful , makes me wonder if he really wants me at all . or he just wants to play with me . then i wonder if this is the sort of feeling that got my sister nora in trouble in the first place . austin in austin we 're staying in a six-bedroom home with a barn included , and that fabulously crafted old-fashioned red barn is where remington trains . he 's been pushing tractor tires all day . running up the outside stairs with cement bags atop both his shoulders . he 's climbed ropes slung up from the barn rafters , swung from the rafters and then ran with me around the property . he 's training like a beast , and moody as a mad gorilla , as well . although he seems to be especially moody with the other members of his team and i seem to be the only one who calms him , so riley and coach keep begging me to go stretch him when he starts getting upset about something like the fit of his `` damned-for-shit gloves nobody can fight with . '' it 's been torture for me , these frequent stretches . sliding my hands along his sweaty chest . austin is hot in july , and he takes off his shirt and the skin-to-skin contact unsettles every little and big part of me , flashing me back to every sensation of being nak*d in bed with him . every night since the egg incident a week ago , i 've lain in bed staring at my door . i know i should touch myself just to find some relief , but what i want from him is so far beyond sex now , i do n't even want to put a name to it . though i know perfectly well what it is . on our flight here , we exchanged music , and i find i 'm always breathless waiting to see the song he will play for me . i tried to keep my selection unromantic for him , and actually got a private thrill when he scowled at all the girl power songs i handed over . he , on the other hand , played me the most romantic song i 'd ever heard in my growing-up years , which was featured in a chick flick in the end , where a guy plays the song to the love of his life on his boom box . the movie is called say anything , but the song is called `` in your eyes '' by peter gabriel . i wanted , seriously , to melt into the leather of the plane bench when it started playing for me , with his somber blue eyes intently watching me as i soaked up the lyrics about finding the light in her eyes ... he has n't touched me since the night we showered together . but the things he said ... the way he kissed me ... i want him so bad , sometimes i just want to hit him in the head and haul him into my woman 's cave , where nobody 's opinion matters but mine . and i say we go at it all night long and that 's that . today i 'm inside the house , retrieving some elastic bands from my suitcase which i might use to stretch him in the end of the afternoon session . this is just a tactic so i do n't have to touch him skin to skin anymore , and spare myself another sleepless night of arousal . i pass through the front door with the band dangling from between my fingers , and i spot pete there , holding it partly closed as he speaks to someone on the other side . as i pass through , i see a silver-haired man and a woman through the corner of my eye , and suddenly they call me . `` young girl ! please , wo n't you let us talk to him ? '' the feminine voice stops me in my tracks , since i 'm the only young girl in the house , unless someone started cross-dressing here , and i do n't think coach is into that . when i step forward , the tall , slender , frail-looking woman rushes to tell me , her face pale and her sullen eyes a dark chocolate , `` we did n't know what to do . he felt abandoned but he was too strong and nobody could control him , least of all me . '' my brain processes her words in silence , and while it does , i stare at them and remain standing behind pete . `` again , i 'm really sorry , '' pete formally replies .	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ammar , you were speaking in riddles , telling me you realised it would n't work and you meant to let me go , blah , blah , blah . vague nonsense . understand you . ' 'maybe , ' he said , his teeth gritted , 'i do n't want to be understood . ' she demanded , her voice rising in both challenge and frustration . 'because you told me you wanted to restore our marriage , to be husband and wife , but i do n't even know what that means . it obviously does n't mean honesty , because getting a straight answer from you is like pulling teeth . it does n't mean closeness , because you 've been keeping your distance in just about every way possible . a warm body in your bed ? ' she smacked her forehead , rolling her eyes , and a blind rage pulsed through him . 'oh , no , never that , because you have never wanted me in your bed . ' 'do n't , ' he said in a low voice . 'do n't what ? do n't speak the truth ? you 've already kidnapped me , refused to let me go- ' 'you 're never going to forget that- ' 'why should i ? why on earth should i come back to you ? i loved you ten years ago , yes , but you were different- ' 'i was n't different , ' ammar cut across her . 'when i was with you , i was the man i wanted to be . ' she stared at him , clearly stunned into silence by an admission he had n't meant to make . the silence stretched on between them , endless and exposing . he felt as if she 'd turned a spotlight on his soul . his throat ached , the words drawn from him so reluctantly , yet he knew he had to say them . she needed to hear them . 'i want to be that man again . ' she said nothing , but ammar saw the sorrow in her eyes , turning them dark , and she gave a little shake of her head . enough of this awful intimacy , of feeling so exposed . enough of her accusations and judgement . 'enough , ' he said out loud , his voice hard and flat . 'we have discussed this enough . ' 'we have n't even begun- ' 'i am finished . ' he threw his napkin on the table as he turned away from her . 'i will arrange for my helicopter to transport you to marrakech . you can leave tonight . ' noelle watched ammar walk from the room with long , angry strides with a sense of incredulity . he was letting her go , then . so why , sitting there alone , did she not feel jubilant ? or at least relieved ? amazingly , aggravatingly , she felt worse than ever . carefully noelle folded her napkin and laid it on the table . the house was as still and silent as always ; did ammar ever make any noise ? he 'd been furious , she knew that . she 'd made him angry , and she saw now she 'd done it on purpose because she was afraid . afraid of giving in and letting herself feel anything for him again . so she 'd pushed and pushed , asking for answers but really driving him away . and yet , now that she had , she wished she had n't . she wished ... what ? she was afraid to acknowledge what she wished for . she should n't even be asking herself these kinds of questions . what she should do , noelle knew , was walk right out of here . she 'd get on the helicopter to marrakech , a plane to paris . she 'd never see ammar again . the thought gave her a piercing pain , a direct stab to the heart . she closed her eyes , pressed the heels of her hands hard against her sockets . why could n't she want that ? why could n't she be strong enough to walk away ? what about being strong enough to stay ? that thought felt like a thunderbolt from the sky , striking her heart , splintering her convictions . wanting ? i do n't know what that means , what hope there is for us , but i do n't want to leave . but what would happen if she stayed ? she felt her stomach hollow out and adrenalin course through her veins . her heart began to thud with both anticipation and fear . terror , really , because to contemplate such a thing would be to open herself up to the kind of devastating pain and heartache she had felt once before , and had since arranged her whole life to never feel again . how could she even think of it ? slowly noelle rose from the table . her heart was beating so hard and fast now it felt like a drumming through her body , an ocean roaring in her ears . her legs were weak and wobbly as she walked from the room . she was going to find ammar . slowly she walked through each empty room . she even found the disguised door and peeked in the study , surprisingly unlocked , but he was not there . she saw papers scattered on his desk , an open laptop , and turned away .	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signing my new hire paperwork at anterdec . `` you 're coming to my yoga class on saturday still , right ? and bringing declan . '' `` you can not use him to sell more spots in your class , mom . he 's not a side show like a sword swallower or the bearded woman . '' `` we already have that ! and corrine is trying to get it under control with electrolysis , so stop making jokes about her . '' the hr coordinator who is explaining my health insurance package comes back with her photocopies . `` congratulations , honey ! what 's your salary ? '' the coordinator takes my empty coffee mug and motions , asking if i want more . i tell mom my salary . `` you make more than jason ! '' `` will he feel emasculated ? '' if that man can stay married to me for nearly thirty years , he can handle this . your father does n't do emasculation . well , not in public , anyhow . '' `` mom , '' i growl . i 'll make a celebratory dinner tonight ! bring declan over ! we 'll play cards against humanity and i 'll break out the new candles i found in the dumpster . '' `` living it up ! '' `` i 'm so proud of you , shannon . '' the hr person comes back in and after two more hours , i have a photo id , a start date , and a raging case of missing declan . meet me where the limo is , he texts . the receptionist guides me to the right elevator and i ride it down , completely drained . a happy kind of drain . the kind of exhaustion you feel when your entire paradigm about how to live your life has changed . the elevator doors open and there 's declan , holding two epipens and a dozen long-stemmed chocolate covered strawberries ( a mix of dark and milk , of course ) in his arms . and he 's wearing a grin that makes my heart do jumping jacks . `` do you , shannon jacoby , promise to be my assistant director of marketing so long as your stock options may vest ? '' he kisses me with a freedom and abandon that makes the world disappear . and i swear , somewhere , my mother is banging a spoon against a wine glass , finger ready to dial farmington country club to reserve a date in 2016 . someone get steve 's mom some smelling salts . and a dose for him , too . the end chapter one `` oh , how the mighty have fallen . '' amanda froze at the sound of tori drake 's sneer , refusing to react even though the cold porcelain of the toilet rim pressed against her forearm as she brushed the bowl . `` mandy mitchell 's up to her elbows in someone else 's shit . '' of all the other housekeepers to be assigned to the same floor , she had to get tori . `` as you know , i go by amanda lockhart now . '' `` ah , you 'll always be mandy mitchell to me , hon . head cheerleader . runner-up for miss teen florida . junior housekeeper . '' she choked softly . `` what 's wrong with this resume , kids ? '' breathing slowly , holding it together , amanda sat straight , the move pressing the hard tile into her knees with the same force that tori 's insults hit her heart . but not as much force as she 'd like her fist to hit the other housekeeper 's face . `` do you need anything to finish your rooms ? '' amanda asked , faking nice as much as she possibly could . she was too far behind this morning to get into it with tori . besides , if the universe decided it hated amanda enough , she could very well be calling this woman `` boss '' soon . the thought made her almost want to hurl into the toilet instead of clean it . `` oh , i do n't need a thing , '' tori said . because my supply cart is right there , and i 've got plenty of pine-sol and clorox . '' in case you want to drink a little . `` nah , i 've cleaned all my rooms , of course . that 's why they call me the fastest maid in barefoot bay . possibly on all of the gulf coast . maybe the entire state of florida . '' `` why not the world ? '' tori snorted with self-satisfaction and stepped further into the bathroom , which was sizable , being in a high-end resort hotel , but no room was big enough for the two of them . uninvited , tori leaned lazily on the granite vanity , sliding a judgmental finger over the surface . `` you did n't use the magic eraser on this . '' `` oh , you 're just about done , my friend . '' at the smug tone and the subtle warning , amanda twisted from the toilet to look up at the other housekeeper , narrowing her eyes .	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it 's important to keep her warm . sir , whats your name ? he hurried and took off his life jacket , knelt beside the woman , and covered her . robert jaeger . my name is robert jaeger . robert wondered why she wanted to die . to leave life without fully living it somehow seemed selfish . but had n't he contemplated suicide six months ago after his wife 's death ? robert shrugged off the thought . he had an off day , that was all . he 'd never meant to go through with it . mr. jaeger ? jaeger ! '' `` how long ago did this happen ? twenty twenty-five minutes . `` does she have any other injuries ? '' `` she has a bruise under her left eye . '' robert removed the life jacket and rolled the woman onto her left side then her right where he discovered her blood-soaked back . overcome with fear , he tore open her dress . `` she has a large cut across her stomach . it extends from her naval to her right side . '' robert got up , took a couple of steps then spewed on the bank . with the cell phone still gripped in his hand , he wiped his mouth on his sleeve . `` is the woman still breathing ? i need you to remain calm . you 're doing fine , mr. jaeger . # # # robert sat in the hospital waiting room wrapped in a blanket , holding a cup of coffee . ever so often when he tasted leftover gall , he 'd swish the hot brew in his mouth . robert tried to sit still , but could n't . he walked the halls every five minutes , his boots sloshing water onto the floor with each step . six months ago he 'd paced another hospital hallway while he waited to hear of his familys condition . after a horrific three-vehicle pileup , they 'd reported that his wife was in critical condition . hours later the physician had laid a firm hand on roberts shoulder and encouraged him to sit . your wife did n't make it . im sorry , mr. jaeger . i 'm sorry , mr. jaeger . robert sipped the tepid cup of coffee then wiped his moist eyes with the blanket . he did everything he could to reserve memories of his dead wife for another time . on the television screen in the far corner of the room , a local news anchor announced the woman 's suicide attempt and the rescue by . the computer mogul , robert aaron jaeger . mr. jaeger first came on the scene in 2009 . he was fresh out of college when he launched his computer empire . as many of you know , mr. jaeger is not only the owner of rj enterprises , the second largest computer company in the world , but he is also known for his charitable contributions . it does n't come as a surprise that he would risk his own life to save someone else . they have n't been able to identify the young female and we 've been told by our sources that she has extensive injuries . they 're not even sure she 'll make it . we hope to have an update to this story at ten o'clock tonight . in other news today , . robert turned away from the newscast and watched a physician , two police officers , and a woman gather in the hall several feet away . after a police officer pointed at robert , the doctor walked toward him . robert jaeger ? i 'm robert jaeger . i 'm dr. patrick crane , the attending physician here at valley view hospital . i understand youre responsible for saving the womans life . we almost lost her . shes still unconscious . im afraid the river took a lot out of her . im very concerned , mr. jaeger . can you give me your best estimate as to how long she stopped breathing ? '' `` it took me at least twenty minutes to get to her , maybe longer . i had to administer cpr six times before she finally breathed . '' dr. crane rubbed his chin and thought for a moment . `` at this point , all we can do is hope and pray . the next twenty-four hours are crucial . we should be able to better assess her condition in the morning . the police tell me you witnessed the whole thing . you have no idea who she is ? like i told the police , the first time i saw her was right before she fell in the river . i pleaded with her not to do it . next thing i knew she was facedown in the water . robert closed his eyes and rubbed his brow . the police found an abandoned car on the highway . let 's hope it belongs to her . if so , they might be able to identify her soon . how long will she be in the hospital ? robert reached inside his waist pack . that includes flying her family here , or returning her home . the doctor slipped roberts card in his pocket .	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he backed up a step , and breathed through his mouth . how in hell would he make it through the afternoon ? or the next week , or month ? or-bloody hell-years , as she often invested in her affairs . `` let 's be off then , lothario . far be it for me to delay the discovery of your next amour . '' gerard followed at a safe distance , but doing so was not effective in quelling his lust due to the lamentable fact that he now had an excellent view of isabel 's gently swaying hps and lush derriere . the landau ride was a bit better , as the open top helped to dissipate the scent of exotic flowers . and the walk on bond street was better than that , since he could no longer think about his errant cck while being gaped and pointed at . pel walked beside him , chatting merrily , her lovely face shaded by a wide-brimmed straw hat . `` you would think i had risen from the dead . '' `` in a way , you have . you left without a word , and kept in touch with no one . but i think they are just as interested in the changes to your appearance . '' `` my skin is sun-darkened . '' i quite like it . other women will like it , too . '' he glanced down at her in the course of his reply , and realized that from his vantage he had a prime view of her br**sts . `` where is the damned tailor 's ? '' he growled , frustrated beyond measure . `` you do need a woman , '' she said , shaking her head . this is the establishment you listed in your old schedule , is it not ? '' the door opened inward with a soft ring of bells , and within moments they were in a private fitting room . he was divested of his clothing , which pel ordered away with a toss of her hand and a wrinkling of her nose . gerard stood there in his smalls , and laughed . until she turned to face him . then the way she looked at him tightened his throat and choked off his merriment . `` good heavens , '' she breathed , while circling him . her fingertips brushed lightly across the ridges of his abdomen . the entire room smelled like her . now she was touching him intimately . the tailor entered , and gaped a moment in surprise . `` i believe i will have to take new measurements , my lord . '' isabel stepped back quickly at the intrusion , her cheeks flushed . the tailor began to work , and she recovered quickly , directing her attention to talking the tradesman into parting with finished garments ordered by another customer . `` surely , you would not wish his lordship to leave your establishment in any manner other than suitably attired ? '' `` of course not , lady grayson , '' came the ready reply . `` but these are the closest to finished that i have , and they will not fit his lordship . but perhaps i could add some extra material here . '' `` yes , and let it out a little more there , '' she said , when the tailor pinned the material at his shoulder . `` look how broad he is . you can remove the padding . first and foremost , he must be comfortable . '' her hand drifted down his back , and gerard clenched his fists to fight off a shudder . `` do you have smalls that will fit him ? '' she asked , her voice lower and huskier than usual . `` this material is too coarse . '' `` yes , '' the tailor said quickly , eager to sell as much as possible . the jacket was whisked away , and gerard pulled on the matching trousers . they stood behind him , the tailor and isabel , and he was grateful . he was holding off a cockstand by dint of will alone . he could not help being aroused . pel 's gaze was so hot , he felt it , and she continued to touch him and say admiring things about his body . `` do not alter this , '' she breathed , her breath hot against his bare back . her hand cupped the curve of his ass . `` is it too tight back here , my lord ? '' she asked him softly , caressing him . the back is fine . '' then he lowered his voice so only she could hear . `` but you have made the front damned uncomfortable . '' the curtain moved to the side , and an assistant entered with the smalls . gerard closed his eyes in misery . everyone would see his condition now . `` thank you , '' isabel murmured . `` lord grayson will need a moment . '' he stood in surprise as she shooed the others out . only when they were alone did he turn to face her . `` thank you , isabel . '' her eyes were riveted to the placket of his trousers . she swallowed hard , and hugged the smalls to her chest . `` you should remove those before you burst the seams . '' he asked gruffly , hoping . `` no , gray . 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what happened after damon claimed her ? he tilted her chin even further upward as his eyes bore into hers . there was latent power simmering in his gaze . a tightly held current just begging to be unleashed . `` after the auction , you are mine . '' chapter 8 `` julie , you 're killing me , '' serena said through gritted teeth . `` this is supposed to be a massage , not a lesson in dough kneading . '' julie eased off and muttered an apology . `` what 's wrong with you , julie ? '' faith asked from the next table . `` not like you to be so ... grumpy . '' serena raised her head . `` she has n't gotten to you yet . feel fortunate . i 'm going to have bruises . '' `` nathan stood me up , '' julie said . you had a date ? '' faith asked in an excited voice . `` not exactly , '' julie mumbled . she continued massaging serena 's back , much gentler now , though serena could still feel the tension in her fingers . `` what do you mean by 'not exactly ' ? '' serena asked as she relaxed on the table . `` he rescheduled his massage after i sort of plotted to begin my grand seduction scheme . well , he has n't exactly rescheduled yet . he just cancelled . '' that does n't sound good , '' serena offered . `` faith , is nathan seeing anyone ? '' `` not that i know of , but i do n't keep up with his love life . `` i want to hear about this seduction plan , '' serena spoke up . `` i wore a shirt that my tatas were damn near about to spill out of . '' `` oh my , '' faith said in amusement . `` that had to be a glorious sight to behold . you have such , um , impressive tatas . '' serena sat up , and julie 's hands fell away from her back . `` i 'm not finished , hon , '' julie protested . i want to hear all about this , and i hate having a conversation lying down unless it involves a gorgeous man . '' `` you know we 're getting to you next , serena . `` as if i thought i could escape you two . '' she turned to look at julie . you displayed the tatas , then what ? '' i 'm here plumping my cl**vage , planning how to plant it in nathan 's face , when he calls to cancel his appointment . '' `` ah , gee , i 'm sorry , '' faith said , sympathy shadowing her pretty features . `` it gets worse , '' julie said darkly . `` some bimbo in the background was informing him that he did n't need to pay for a massage because she 'd be more than happy to give him one . then when i asked him when he wanted to reschedule , he said he 'd call me . '' `` oh , ouch , '' serena murmured . `` the i 'll call you line . '' `` yeah , '' julie grumbled . `` shot down before i ever got off the ground . clearly i need to focus my attention elsewhere . i mean , i 'm not a complete dog , right ? i 've never had a man want to put a paper bag over my head during sex or anything . '' serena and faith both burst out laughing . `` i 'm so sorry , julie , '' faith said as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes . `` i have no idea what nathan 's problem is . `` spoken like a loyal friend talking to an ugly woman . '' serena snickered . `` well , you 're not as pretty as i am , but you 're definitely not paper-bag ugly . '' julie shoved at serena 's shoulder . `` gee , thanks , what a pal . '' `` why do n't you just ask him out ? '' `` stop with the hinting around-the plan to jump him while giving a massage , though that was n't a bad idea at all-and just come out and ask him on a date . if he refuses then wipe his existence from your memory banks and go ask micah or connor out . they 're both hot . '' `` i ca n't go out with someone who 's slept with one of my friends , '' julie muttered . `` so thanks , faith , for ruining micah for me . '' `` if you knew how good he was in bed , you would n't be all holier than thou about going out with him . '' what i would n't give for a threesome with two hot guys . hell , right now i 'd take one hot guy . or even a not-so-hot one .	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but what has made me think there was hope for us , is in how ive seen you change , in this time . you used to expect that i should wait on you hand and foot . and i , like some kind of adoring lapdog obeyed your every command . but ever since our estrangement , you have changed . you have become more thoughtful . you try to help me in little ways . you treat me differently , as a person and not your property . youve shown you can think of my feelings . as all these observations have sunk in , and i realise i have been a fool and that our life could be wonderful together , this darkness rises up to confront me . i see for the first time how awful , how terribly wrong , i have been ! and i cant believe it ! i turned to him and whispered hoarsely , what can i do ? how can i live with this ? how can i expect you to forgive me when i can not forgive myself ? his face was a study in human emotion . i had never seen him so miserable ! he was in anguish and his features showed it . when i had finished , he opened his mouth as if to speak , but nothing came out . he hung his head and coughed a little and tried again . this time he looked straight into my eyes which he held for a moment before dropping his gaze in despair . i knew this was probably the hardest thing he had ever confronted in his life . he abhorred discussing emotional issues , never mind this , the deliberate killing of his child because i didnt want his child ! i was sitting propped up on the bed and he was sitting facing me , also on the bed . finally , taking my hand , he spoke in a strangled voice , treasa , i had no idea i hurt your feelings as much as i did , that night . i admit , i was angry that night . ive always been jealous when anyone pays attention to you . i wanted to keep you all to myself . everybody loves you so much . i didnt want to share you with anyone ! i felt you wouldnt have enough left over for me . i couldnt understand why you needed to go in to the village to see the girls as often as you did . wasnt i enough for you ? i know you are enough for me . i thought it was because i was too dull or something . you are so vivacious and full of fun , i thought i was too inadequate for you . that i wasnt interesting enough . that i just was not good enough for you . he looked out the window for a few moments and had such an air of detachment . i thought he had forgotten that i was there . but then he turned back and with a shrug , he went on when maurice devlin said those things to me , i just went mad . i punched him out and then my anger turned on you . why would you want to be going off like that ? were you making a fool of me ? were you , interested in someone else ? i was tormented with jealousy ! i cant even remember what i said to you ! i only know i wanted to hurt you because i felt so hurt . i felt you slipping away from me and i didnt know how to stop it ! i was desperate ! later on , when i came into the bedroom . i thought by possessing you i could hold you , and shake all the bad feelings away . it never occurred to me what you might be feeling . i was just so wrapped up in myself . after saying this , the longest speech of his life , he got up and crossed the room . he stood with his back to me , gazing out at the bay . how could we have lived under the same roof and know so little about each others pain ? i had no idea about what he had just revealed to me ! i had no idea he cared so much ! if i had just known that , things would have turned out much differently ! how fragile love is , the love between a man and a woman , the most fragile love of all it seems we could have avoided all this if we loved each other more and ourselves a little less . column , if only i had known you cared , i would never have gone through with it ! i always felt so unworthy of you . you are so handsome and i , well , i was hardly a catch ! more like the only one left on the shelf ! he turned quickly and shaking his head , said , thats not true , treasa ! i had my mind made up years ago that you were the one for me ! to me you are the most beautiful woman in the world ! dont you know how beautiful you are ? you are all woman and not just on the outside either ! you have a real womans heart ! you are the warmest person ive ever known . the only reason i took so long to make my move was because i had to wait for my father to hand control of the boat over to me . then shortly after he did , he died . when my brothers left for england i was stuck for a year trying to get men i could trust to replace them , on the boat .	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his stride was easy and inherently sensual , with a touch of leisure as if time was no concern . `` my wife is blessed with an extraordinarily pragmatic nature , miss chilcott . she rarely means offense when she observes-or does not observe , as the case may be-certain social mores . '' nodding , vanessa watched as jasper walked the length of the room to where eliza sat at the far end . there was blatant appreciation in the blonde 's eyes , a knowing understanding of what type of man he was-ruthlessly deliberate and dangerously sexual . eliza imagined it would be impossible for any red-blooded woman to be immune to him . after all , as oblivious as she 'd personally been toward men , she had n't failed to want him either . `` i took no offense , '' vanessa assured . `` i 'm grateful to have had a roof over my head last night . '' `` it was the most reasonable course of action to have you stay here . you lost more than i did in the fire . '' jasper set one hand on the table and the other on the back of eliza 's chair . bending , he kissed her temple and whispered , `` i had need of you this morning , madam . in the future , you should order a tray brought to our rooms . '' jasper had displayed a marked insatiability throughout the night , waking her repeatedly to take her again and again . sprawled on her stomach . arranged on her side . with her heels in the air or her thighs between his . deep and shallow , hard and soft , pounding possessions and slow , endless glides ... his repertoire of sensual delights was vast , and she suspected he 'd shown her only a smidgeon of what he was capable of . as he straightened , she turned her head , impulsively pressing her lips to his . he stiffened in surprise , then gave an encouraging hum , remaining still as she kissed him sweetly . when she withdrew , jasper 's smile curled her toes . he traced the bridge of her nose with his fingertip , then he stepped away to fetch his own plate . bolstered by his presence and verbal support , eliza took a deep breath and turned her focus to her stepsister . vanessa 's attention was firmly on her food , her eyes downcast as if to say she could n't possibly be aware of the scandalous behavior taking place at the other end of the long room . vanessa cleared her throat . `` whether or not it was reasonable to provide lodging to a tenant who lied on her application is debatable , i think . i doubt many would have done so . '' `` but you are not simply a tenant , '' eliza pointed out . `` you are my stepsister . '' a wry smile twisted vanessa 's lips . `` which is more of a detriment than an endorsement , is it not ? '' jasper pulled out the chair at the foot of the table , which was directly to eliza 's right , and sat . eliza nodded , seeing no point in being untruthful . `` unfalteringly candid , '' vanessa said . `` my father quite enjoyed that about you , miss martin . he said it was freeing . it inspired him to be a better man . '' `` i do n't mean to be rude , but he never mentioned you . '' `` when did you give him the opportunity ? '' eliza opened her mouth , then shut it again . vanessa carefully sliced into her black pudding with her knife . you are astute , and you knew straightaway that he pursued your mother for the fortune left by your father . it 's all true what they say about us chilcotts . '' nonplussed , eliza glanced at jasper , whose face was austere and gave away none of his thoughts . vanessa set down her utensils and held out her hand . she pointed to a reddish birthmark that rested over the back of her wrist . `` my grandmother once told me you could spot the rotten fruit in our family tree because we all bear this 'bruise . ' '' `` i see , '' eliza said . `` what you do not see , however , is that even bruised fruit sometimes has salvageable parts . in my father 's case , it was his heart . he courted your mother for her money ; he married her because he loved her . '' eliza 's hands linked together on the table . `` if he 'd truly cared for her , he would have been a positive influence . '' `` that sounds reasonable , '' vanessa agreed . `` but love is not reasonable . love is wanting to see the other person as happy as possible as often as possible . leastwise that 's how my father viewed love . as you know , it was n't an easy task keeping lady georgina happy . if he cared for her not at all , he could have had her committed . or he could have taken her to the country and left her there . or the continent .	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theyd both been denied blood for the night and were being kept in separate cells to keep them from tearing each other apart . what struck connor as odd was the intelligence that shone in their eyes . he walked up to one of the cells and opened the door . the occupant of that cell was a male who had probably been fourteen or fifteen when hed died . that always made connor a little uncomfortable , even knowing that he might have been turned several years ago . as much as they tried to eradicate the turned vampires , it was still a very difficult process because the vaccine was so scarce . they didnt survive very long because when food was scarce they were willing to kill each other . they couldnt survive off of the dead blood of other turned vampires , but they killed each other anyway . from what connor understood , the three days of death before they rose was enough to destroy their ability to think and reason . it also destroyed their memories . some werent even able to speak after the turn and others worked hard at it . from what hed been told , these two spoke fairly well . this turned vampire had pasty white skin , probably from lack of blood and was thin to the point of being gaunt . that was unusual in any vampire . for some unknown reason , they put on a lot of bulk unless they were starved for extended periods of time . the vamps brown hair was uneven and dirty . his brown eyes , now they were the real shocker . those eyes were far from crazed . connor motioned to the chair in the middle of the room . have a seat , he said pleasantly . the turned vampire shoved his hands into his back pockets and spit on the floor . fuck you , blood brat , he said a little too coherently . ian moved before connor could even think to give an order . he caught the vamp by his throat and tossed him roughly into the chair . unfortunately , it was a little too rough . the chair splintered and the turned vampire collapsed onto the floor . ian quickly grabbed one of the chair legs and crouched down to press the makeshift stake to the vampires heart . understand this , you little bastard , ian growled , i was brought here to be your death if you dont cooperate . im hoping that you dont cooperate . the turned vampire half taunted , half begged . his hand reached up and grabbed the stake , pulling it closer to his chest . ian stared down at the vampires throat for a moment before cursing and moving back quickly . connor wondered why he was suddenly so rattled . is that why you attacked us ? connor asked , still feeling a little shaken by ians reaction . the vampire in the cage shouted . we are so close to having it all . you cant trust the blood brats . having what ? the vampire on the floor asked desperately . im tired of being a slave . we are nothing . let the blood brats kill us . connor asked the one on the ground . mitchell , he answered after a long pause . why are you so coherent ? her voice held the same shock they all felt at the turn of events . theyd come in to torture information out of the turned vampires . theyd expected them to beg for death , but not for this reason . its the blood and the virus , mitchell said . they give us special blood and they injected us with a new virus . some dont survive it . the women , he paused and his eyes closed as he struggled with memories , like my mother and sister , dont usually survive . they try with some but kill most of them . they steal our lives . at first , it still beats , he said as he pointed to his heart . after time it stops beating and we forget our human lives . i dont want to stop being me . shouted the vampire in the cell . were going to rule this land . we have no names , just orders ! thats what happens to us , mitchell said , waving a hand at the cell . ive held on longer than most , but soon i wont remember who i am . all ill remember is who im supposed to kill . please , he begged as he met ians eyes . im already dead , but i dont want to lose all of the memories . ian placed a tentative hand on mitchells chest and then nodded . weak , but still beating , he said . who injected you ? mitchell opened his mouth to answer but then he closed it . his brows drew together in thought as he tried hard to find the information in his mind . i dont know , he said , and his shoulders slumped in defeat . its all disappearing . im mitchell and my brother is ... he paused once again to try to remember . his struggle was obvious . my brother is james . no , my brother was james . my sister was nina . we lived on the ranch . they came to get us and no one helped us . connor felt as though someone had punched him in the gut . this boy may have been from one of the ranches by las trampas . connor hadnt even thought about helping the humans in the ranches .	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`` the hamsters main meal of the day should be served in the late afternoon , when he unfolds his ears and emerges from his bed for a late afternoon stroll , or perhaps for some high-quality bonding time with you , his new friend . '' `` ricky , i 'm warning you ! '' `` he will appreciate a live maggot every other day and one gram of organic natural yoghurt or crme frache on alternating days . '' `` give me that book ! havent you got any homework ? '' `` its got ta have hypo-allergenic bedding , '' said ricky , `` which should be changed weekly and - hey jude , you got ta put filtered rainwater in its drinker bottle . '' `` its a hamster ! not a baby ! '' protested suzie . `` its practically a rat ! '' `` its a she , mommy . and she likes hamster cookies , '' said judy . `` fruit of the forest flavour . with bits . and the hanging sticks , puffed rice flavour . but not the hanging sticks with the autumn maize garnish . because those bits are too big . because hammy is a dwarf hamster . but she likes the hamster cakes better than the buns . the long square crispy ones with the toasty flakes on top . and sunflower seeds . she eats them in her bed . but not the dark green pellets . hammy doesnt like those - so can you pick them out of the hamster mix you bought please , mommy ? '' `` rat , its a rat ... '' muttered suzie , but she might have well saved her breath . `` listen , mom . psychological deprivation . '' according to the book , judy had to guard against the danger of her hamster becoming neurotic through being deprived of quality play opportunities . `` that means you got ta take him out of his cage , jude and let him wee on the sofa ! '' `` give me that book , ricky ! '' `` you got ta give him `` correct amounts of sensory stimulation ! '' like buy him a second cage in case he gets bored with the first one , jude ! '' ricky tumbled over the back of the sofa and dodged behind an outsize rubber plant . `` he will also enjoy a transparent perspex play-ball so that he can explore his environment in safety ! '' he yelled , still maniacally reading from the book . `` yeah , so that daddy doesnt squish him to death on the carpet , jude ! '' `` poor little hammy-wammy ! dont let daddy squish her to death ! mommy , please ! '' judy had big brown eyes like her dad and knew exactly how to use them to good effect . suzie could never resist her . she had a cute little heart-shaped face surrounded by nut-brown curls and whenever she wanted something she would come and stand right beside suzie and tilt her face up with her pointed little chin resting on her thigh and say angelically `` mommy , please ? ricky wasnt as consciously appealing but suzie couldnt resist him either . strong , and solid looking like lyndon , he had a serious expression on his face most of the time although he had quite a dry sense of humour . but more often he was serious , and if he wanted something he would give her a level look as if to say `` i cant plead , mom , im too old to put my chin on your thigh any more ... please dont make me beg , mom , please just understand this is important , i really got ta have it ... '' which made him in his own way , just as irresistible as judy . so under the bemused eyes of the dog walkers in the park , suzie picked a selection of fresh-looking weeds and packed them into a plastic lunchbox which she then stuffed into her handbag . blanche , she told herself viciously , hates hamsters . she shoots them on sight . pumps them full of lead . destroys their brains . and she uses a silencer to do it , so the neighbours ca n't hear them screaming and come to the rescue . back in the rue des tongres she walked in and out of shops efficiently buying all the items on her list . she and lyndon had the perfect marriage . everyone in brussels knew that . they understood each other perfectly . they were still in love . everyone in brussels knew that too . you could n't let the side down . suddenly the new phone , still sitting in the back pocket of her jeans , vibrated . after a second 's paralysis , she grabbed it and flipped it open . it was a one-word text from agent b and the word was `` lunch ? '' the blood was singing in her ears and her pulse was racing . now she knew exactly what lyndon was up to . shoving the phone into her bag she rummaged for her iphone . then she stepped backwards into a doorway where she would n't get run over by early-morning shoppers and flicked through her old text messages , deleting most of them . finally she clicked on the right one : `` do you fancy lunch ? '' and there was another one : `` lunch ? 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holding gray 's erection in her hands as he slid in and out of her , coupled with gray 's hand stroking her clit , was just too much . she was having a sensory overload and her body was helpless to stop the orgasm that was starting to rip through her . her inner muscles clenched and gray pumped his h*ps harder against her , lifting her almost off of his lap . suzy screamed as her body seemed to crest one orgasm only to start another . never had she felt anything like this . gray 's finger against her sensitive nub was now almost torture and suzy put her hand over his , stilling his movement . when she reached down to cup his balls , his threw his head back and shouted her name , as he found his own release . when a knock sounded at the door , they both froze . `` um , suzy , is everything alright ? '' `` oh shit , '' suzy grabbed for the cover as she head nick 's concerned voice from the other side of the door . `` everything 's fine , bro , thanks for checking . '' suzy heard laughter from the other side of the door but thankfully nick did n't ask any other questions . `` i bet your brother thought i was having a hell of a dream in here . '' leaning back in gray 's arms , she sighed . `` now i 'll have to look at his smirking face over breakfast tomorrow . raising his eyebrow , gray asked , `` are you complaining ? '' suzy wiggled her bottom against him . `` no way , slick , i could get used to waking up to that . '' gray hugged her to his chest suddenly serious . `` get used to it then , baby , i plan to do that for the rest of our lives . suzy laid her arms over his and closed her eyes . here in the circle of his arms , with his breath on her neck and the feel of his heart beating , she felt there was nothing that could ever tear them apart . gray was home to her and she vowed to do her best to help him handle the situation with reva . even though it tore her apart to think of someone else giving gray a child first , she knew that to have a future with him , she must also accept his past and fully embrace his child . overcome with the love she had for this man , she whispered , `` i love you . '' gray released the breath he 'd been holding , and hugged suzy closer . `` i love you too , baby , more than you will ever know . '' `` i ca n't believe you drove all this way . i 'm heading back to charleston early in the morning . i told jason since i planned to be there for a few days , that i 'd handle a few issues we have at mericom while i am there . i have a meeting at ten so i need to be on the road by seven or so . '' it was almost four by that time , so they quickly showered and curled around each other in bed . gray woke her a few hours later with a long drugging kiss . he was already dressed and looked so gorgeous and sexy that suzy wanted to pull him back in the bed and devour him . after he was gone , she dozed for another half hour before rousing herself to dress for her first day back at work . there was something comforting and exciting about getting back into her normal routine . suzy dressed for comfort in a short black skirt with a white silk tank and a long silver necklace . she slid on a low-heeled flat shoe , and decided to leave her hair loose . god she missed high-heels . ~~~ when suzy walked into the kitchen , nick and beth were sitting at the table having pancakes and bacon . as she walked towards them , nick snickered and said , `` look , princess , here comes your sister doing the walk of shame . '' from the grin on beth 's face , she could tell that nick had filled her in on her late night visitor . nick laughed when she flipped him a hand gesture as she settled into her seat . beth poured her a cup of coffee and handed her a plate . suzy 's eyes rolled in bliss as she poured syrup over the pancakes . `` this looks great , sis , i 'm glad you were feeling ambitious this morning . '' `` that would be me , babe , unlike some of us , i rolled myself out of bed at a reasonable hour this morning so i could fix breakfast for you lovely ladies . '' with a chuckle , suzy said , `` pouring it on there a little thick this morning are n't ya ? but hey whatever the reason , i 'm glad , this is great . i ca n't believe you and gray can cook like this . '' `` i know my brother seemed to be cooking something up last night too , say around two ? '' suzy choked on her coffee and beth patted her on the back . `` you 're a pervert nick , has anyone ever told you that ? '' `` ah , yes they have , but only in the most complimentary of terms . 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it was in his tone that he did n't think that much of the royals in general . `` i know that prince alex does a lot of hands-on work with the fbt , so i 'm sure if i want to help out here , no one would say otherwise . '' `` and that 's why you 're america 's duchess . '' he gave a throaty laugh and i felt myself cringe again . so he thought i would do what i wanted just because i was american ? i guess he had a point , but it still seemed rude to bring that up while i was invited here as a lilarian duchess . `` so , what other animals does the zoo house ? '' i walked toward the door , not acknowledging his comment . `` a lot of the basics : lions , apes , antelopes . '' he jumped ahead of me and held the door open . `` we had a baby elephant two days ago . the baby was still ungainly and stayed close to the mother , but i was in love with all the adorable wrinkles and clumsy feet . `` chadwick , look at its legs ! they 're all wobbly . '' `` looks a bit like you when you got off the plane ! '' i slapped his shoulder , even though he was probably right . `` samantha would be a great name for her ! '' jeremy nodded his head . `` you both arrived in lilaria the same day . '' i looked over at chadwick , who had covered his mouth with one hand . i was n't sure if i should be flattered or insulted that he wanted to name an elephant after me . he seemed to understand my inner dialogue because he smiled . `` i believe there is a rhino named after the queen . '' i smiled at jeremy . `` that would be sweet . '' `` i 'll have to put it up for discussion , but i have a feeling that it will stick . '' `` she is a cute little thing , though . '' he cut his eyes toward me and i looked away quickly . jeremy was cute enough , but obviously not really interested in me . he showed us around the other exhibits . a few of the people visiting the zoo would stop and ask for pictures , and there were members of the press , but the security detail kept them at bay for the most part . by the time we had completed a full loop , i was ready to hit the road . `` would you like to grab some lunch ? maybe chat a little about raptors ? '' jeremy leaned close . `` i 'm sorry , i believe that i have another engagement soon . '' i shot a glance at chadwick who cleared his throat . `` yes , we need to leave shortly to stay on time . '' `` maybe another time ? '' jeremy touched my elbow and i could hear cameras clicking away . `` thank you for the invitation , but right now i 'm so busy i barely have time to tie my shoes . '' i smiled at him and moved out of his reach . he stepped back and let his hands fall to his side . `` i wanted to ask if you would consider throwing in your support for the television show . if we have someone with your background we could get a lot of financial help . i think you 'd make an amazing host . '' i stared at him for a minute , flabbergasted . i had been expecting him to ask for a donation , to write a check for something , but to be on camera ? he was trying to capitalize on my newfound public interest . `` i 'm really not good at public events . being in front of cameras makes me nervous . '' as if they knew they were being discussed , the cameras following us clicked away intensely . `` you 're very sweet , but i think i 'd be a terrible host . '' `` you 'd be great . the media would eat it up and so would the public . they 'll love your american accent . '' `` you mean they 'll love seeing a duchess . '' `` i 'm not the one for the job , but i wish you the best of luck . '' `` would you be interested in donating to the program ? we 're always looking for people who have a genuine interest in wildlife . '' for now i need to focus on my lands and the people there . once i know more , i 'll look into donating to worthy causes . '' `` thank you for inviting me , jeremy . it was nice to see the zoo . i enjoyed the aviary and especially the baby elephant . '' `` it was nice to meet you as well , samantha . '' he looked disappointed , but i was n't about to offer any money . i could barely understand the amount i had , and i still did n't know what my responsibilities would be when i got to see my actual home . once we were in the car , i melted into the seat and frowned at chadwick . `` please tell me we do n't really have anything else to do today ? 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she could only imagine what her co-workers would say if they could see the very prim and proper judge lockhart soaking in a hot tub . and with a man , yet . `` i would n't do this for anyone else , you know , '' she told him . she did n't need to elaborate on what she meant ; jack knew . olivia felt his chest expand and then softly he said , `` i love you , olivia . '' this was n't the first time he 'd admitted his feelings , but something about the way he 'd said it felt different . she leaned away from him and looked into his eyes . `` do you mean that , olivia ? really mean it ? '' a sigh rumbled inside his chest . `` i know you do n't like to talk about stan , and frankly , i do n't blame you , but i think we should . jack did n't speak for a moment , and she gave him a nudge with her elbow . `` your ex-husband made it plain from the day we met that he wanted you back . '' olivia kissed jack 's chin . `` i know , but he ca n't have me . '' `` he 's got a whole lot more to offer you than i do . '' `` you do n't really want me to get into that , do you ? '' `` yes , '' she challenged . `` what you do n't seem to understand is that my ex-husband does n't hold a candle to you in a hundred different ways . okay , he probably brings home a bigger paycheck . '' no one gets rich in the newspaper business , at least not these days . '' `` are you suggesting money 's important to me ? '' `` then why worry about it ? '' again she felt jack expel a deep sigh . `` because i 'm attempting to be noble here and you 're making it damn hard . '' olivia was n't sure she liked the sound of this . `` all right , if you must know , i 'm asking you to put me out of my misery and marry me . '' for a wild moment olivia was too stunned to react . `` jack , are you proposing ? '' i want us to be together , olivia . the way things stand now , all we get are the leftovers of each other 's lives-and i want more . i want you to be in my life and i want to be in yours . '' `` i want to be there when you wake up in the morning and at your side when you get into bed at night , and all the in-between times , too . '' this was romantic , and romance was the last thing she expected from jack griffin . `` i do n't know how to say it any plainer than that , '' he concluded . `` then what was all this business about stan ? '' if he told her he 'd willingly step aside for her ex-husband , she was going to shove his head underwater , dammit ! `` yes , well , i was going to tell you- '' he hesitated . `` wo n't let stan have you . i thought i could do it , but as far as i 'm concerned , the hell with him . '' olivia leaned back and rewarded him with a long , breath-stealing kiss followed by a series of short kisses down the side of his neck . `` i did n't mean to interrupt you . go on , '' she urged . jack 's arms tightened around her . `` i 'm never letting you go again , olivia . i 'm only half alive without you . '' she felt a burst of happiness , and her body seemed so light , so buoyant , she thought she could soar straight up to the stars . jack took her by the shoulders and turned her sideways so he could look her full in the face . `` will you marry me , olivia ? '' `` oh , yes , jack . '' then she was in his arms again and he was kissing her with an abandon that sent the blood surging through her veins . this was the beginning for them , a beginning that would last the rest of their lives . a small piece of information had been niggling at the back of roy mcafee 's mind ever since he 'd met hannah russell . it took him ten days to figure out what it was . patience almost always paid off ; the facts hidden in his memory usually emerged if he gave them time . but now he 'd glimpsed the elusive detail and he needed to talk to someone . consequently , he showed up at the sheriff 's office first thing monday morning . davis was sitting at his desk and seemed unsurprised when roy walked into his office . `` you 're up and about pretty early , '' davis said , looking up from the paperwork spread across his desk . davis gestured toward the empty seat . `` i 've been giving some thought to our meeting with russell 's daughter , '' roy said as he sat down . the sheriff steepled his fingers .	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it 's another form of running away . '' liam gritted his teeth , but raine could n't be allowed to retreat-even if he did n't want to hear the truth . `` answer him , raine . '' wrapped around her side , he felt her trembling , heard her hitch in a sobbing breath . liam opened his mouth to calm her and defuse the tension . `` what do you want to hear , macen ? that i was devastated not to be pregnant ? that i wanted to be the mother of your child ? that something inside me had entertained the impractical hope that maybe i would carry the life you 'd created inside me and have a part of you always ? '' slow tears slid down her cheeks . hammer gripped her tighter . they locked stares . his eyes looked as glassy , as haunted , as hers . `` goddamn it , i want the truth , '' macen insisted . `` fine , '' she wailed , her back straightening . `` of course i was disappointed . i 've wanted you for so long that i do n't remember what it feels like not to want you . '' each word hacked at liam 's heart like a knife , slicing him to pieces . you wanted honesty . enjoy that bitter pill . raine swiped at her tears and bowed her head , dropping her voice to a whisper liam had to lean in to hear . `` but i was n't pregnant , so it 's all moot now . it would have been an impossible situation , anyway . not carrying your child in my womb meant i could have a life with liam , and ... '' she drew in a shaking breath . `` and in the end , i was happier about that . oh god , i 'm sorry , macen . '' her face crumbled as she reached blindly for hammer . he gathered her close and held her , rocking her gently . `` it was n't planned , i know . but i wanted that child with you so damn bad . '' hammer confirmed liam 's greatest fear . `` christ , i kept picturing a daughter as beautiful as her mother . '' raine laughed through her tears , clinging to macen 's shoulders . `` and i 'd hoped for a boy , just like his father . '' the earth 's axis shifted beneath liam . she 'd wanted hammer 's baby . but she 'd wanted him more ? raine 's sorrow , along with the heartfelt confessions she and hammer shared , told liam that she was n't at peace . but damn it , he was n't , either . there was no sense in trying to convince himself that his world had n't just blown up in his face , that his dreams of sharing a life with this woman , just the two of them , lay dying around him . a vise gripped his heart . he could n't bloody breathe as he swallowed the urge to roar out that any life growing in raine 's womb would be his-and his alone . but instead of erupting with the injustice of it all , he had to put on an act worthy of a goddamn oscar and watch sobs shake raine . he had to see macen cradle her as they shared grief . and he could n't say a damn thing or he 'd risk destroying her . as they clung to one another , liam felt f**king invisible . and that broke his heart more than anything . he reached beneath raine , lifting her gently so he could move back and stand apart . she whirled on the table , bracing herself on the padded surface , and turned devastated eyes to him . this is the biggest reason i never wanted to talk about how late my period was or whether i was pregnant . no matter what i said , someone would be hurt . you 've done so much for me , sacrificed your feelings so i could break through my barriers . whatever you believe , i do love you . and i knew the minute i opened my mouth , i could do more damage to you than we might ever recover from . '' i 'm just giving you some room , is all . '' he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it , hoping she would n't notice his shaking fingers . he could n't even look at hammer . `` of course you were disappointed . i know you want children someday . '' `` but , i- '' `` you do n't have to explain . '' liam forced himself to keep his voice even and calm . `` hammer is going to carry you to bed , love . rest up for a bit . it 's been a big morning , and you were so brave . i 'm proud of you , raine . '' how bittersweet was it that she 'd finally given him exactly the answer he 'd sought two long weeks ago . and just as she 'd feared , it had annihilated him . `` stay with me , '' she begged . go on with hammer . he needs time with you . i think you need it , too .	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2060], ["heartfelt", 2079], ["confession", 2091], ["confessions", 2091], ["share", 2113], ["shared", 2113], ["tell", 2120], ["told", 2120], ["peace", 2151], ["either", 2187], ["sense", 2208], ["try", 2218], ["tryed", 2218], ["trying", 2218], ["convince", 2230], ["convinced", 2230], ["convincing", 2230], ["world", 2253], ["blew", 2272], ["blow", 2272], ["blowest", 2272], ["blown", 2272], ["dream", 2305], ["dreamt", 2305], ["dreamest", 2305], ["dreams", 2305], ["share", 2316], ["woman", 2339], ["womans", 2339], ["two", 2354], ["twos", 2354], ["lay", 2368], ["lie", 2368], ["lain", 2368], ["die", 2374], ["dying", 2374], ["vise", 2394], ["bloody", 2434], ["bloodying", 2434], ["breathes", 2442], ["swallow", 2458], ["swallows", 2458], ["swallowed", 2458], ["urge", 2467], ["roar", 2475], ["roarest", 2475], ["grow", 2501], ["growest", 2501], ["growing", 2501], ["alone", 2545], ["instead", 2559], ["erupt", 2571], ["eruptest", 2571], ["erupting", 2571], ["injustice", 2590], ["injustices", 2590], 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there were always more bricks , like they were growing up from whatever passed as earth inside the fluid constructs of her head . refusing to give up , she kept doing what he 'd said while the pressure behind her eyes once again started to build . heat grew inside her head , making her shake . the wall kept growing , keeping up with every attempt she made at shrinking it . pain radiated out , filling her skull to bursting . a noise sounded somewhere distant : a shrill cry of pain and the dry rattle of panting breaths . hard bands tightened on her wrists and a brittle heat bit into her neck . even without any sort of experience at these kinds of things , she knew in her soul this was all terribly wrong . the brick wall shot up , thickening as it grew . taller than jack 's beanstalk and wider than she could see , the thing kept growing and swelling , fighting against the pressure that filled her head . a buzzing sound clogged her ears . her blood burned as it sped through her veins , searing them from the inside out . there was nowhere to run to make it stop . dimly , she felt a popping inside her head , like little bursts of static electricity igniting oxygen . as each spark burst , she felt less of the world around her . hearing faded . the cool press of the wall against her lower back became a memory . the feel of zach 's hands around her wrists disappeared , along with feeling in the wrists themselves . awareness of her body dissipated like fog under the sun until there was nothing left but the brick wall and an incessant pounding against it . then suddenly the pounding stopped . or maybe it had n't stopped , but she could no longer sense it in any way . everything but the wall slipped away and lexi let it all go . she did n't need any of it . all she needed was to let go . chapter 18 lexi was limp in zach 's arms . sweat trickled down his temple , mocking his pounding headache . he was shaking like he 'd just finished a three-day battle with no water , and it took all his strength to keep himself sitting upright . which was sad , considering the wall did most of the work for him . nothing he 'd tried seemed to work . lexi was too strong , her defenses impenetrable . deep down inside , where it mattered most , she did n't trust him . he knew that was why he 'd failed . zach waited for the weakness to fade enough he could move ; then he shifted lexi so her head was resting at a more comfortable- looking angle on his shoulder . the luceria shimmered under the bright bedroom lights , showing off an angry swirl of greens and maybe some blue . the blue had n't been there earlier , and with a sick sense of dread , zach realized that whatever had just happened had actually reversed the process of bonding them closer together . rabid frustration gnawed at his insides . he wanted to lash out and vent some of his anger , but there was no one around who deserved that kind of treatment . the source of lexi 's mistrust was her mother 's teachings , and he was sure the woman had only done what she thought she had to do to protect her child . zach refused to hold that against her . she 'd kept lexi safe all those years when he could n't and he owed her respect , not resentment . he gave lexi a little shake . her breathing had evened out and her pulse was steady and strong , but she was n't awake . what if he 'd damaged her ? a sick sense of panic trickled through him and he pulled out his cell phone . he was n't sure if logan was at dabyr or not , but he was the only one of the sanguinar zach trusted enough to let him touch her . he asked as soon as logan answered . `` i was just about to leave . zach dialed joseph rayd , the leader of the theronai . as much as he hated it , zach had to tell joseph about the explosives . joseph answered on the sixth ring ; his voice sounded strained . `` i need you to come to lexi 's room , '' said zach . `` whatever it is , it can wait . kinda busy . '' he sounded more than just busy . his voice was strained , like his throat was so tight he was having trouble shoving the words out . a hint of anger and something else shaded his words , chilling them . zach looked down at lexi 's limp form . `` it 's gon na have to be . a muffled curse came over the line , and he knew joseph was on his way . `` what 's one more , right ? '' zach had no idea what he meant , but he could guess . something was going down , and it was n't good . `` give me a sec , '' said joseph . zach shoved away his weakness and got lexi settled comfortably in bed .	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["jacked", 778], ["beanstalk", 791], ["wide", 801], ["see", 820], ["thing", 832], ["swell", 858], ["swells", 858], ["swollen", 858], ["swellest", 858], ["swelling", 858], ["fight", 869], ["fightest", 869], ["fill", 902], ["fills", 902], ["filled", 902], ["buzzing", 923], ["sound", 929], ["clog", 937], ["clogs", 937], ["clogged", 937], ["ear", 946], ["ears", 946], ["blood", 958], ["bloods", 958], ["blooded", 958], ["burn", 965], ["burns", 965], ["burned", 965], ["speed", 976], ["speeding", 976], ["sped", 976], ["vein", 994], ["veins", 994], ["sear", 1004], ["sears", 1004], ["searing", 1004], ["nowhere", 1049], ["run", 1056], ["stop", 1072], ["dimly", 1080], ["feel", 1091], ["felt", 1091], ["little", 1131], ["burst", 1138], ["bursted", 1138], ["bursts", 1138], ["static", 1148], ["statics", 1148], ["electricity", 1160], ["electricities", 1160], ["ignite", 1169], ["ignites", 1169], ["igniting", 1169], ["oxygen", 1176], ["oxygens", 1176], ["spark", 1192], ["sparking", 1192], ["burst", 1198], ["bursted", 1198], ["less", 1214], ["world", 1227], ["around", 1234], ["hear", 1248], ["hears", 1248], ["hearing", 1248], ["fade", 1254], ["faded", 1254], ["cool", 1265], ["press", 1271], ["low", 1301], ["lowed", 1301], ["back", 1306], ["become", 1313], ["became", 1313], ["memory", 1322], ["memories", 1322], ["feel", 1333], ["zach", 1341], ["hand", 1350], ["hands", 1350], ["disappear", 1380], ["disappeared", 1380], ["along", 1388], ["feeling", 1401], ["awareness", 1438], ["body", 1450], ["bodied", 1450], ["dissipate", 1461], ["dissipating", 1461], ["dissipated", 1461], ["fog", 1470], ["fogs", 1470], ["sun", 1484], ["suns", 1484], ["sunned", 1484], ["nothing", 1508], ["left", 1513], ["leave", 1513], ["incessant", 1549], ["pound", 1558], ["pounding", 1558], ["suddenly", 1585], ["stop", 1606], ["stopped", 1606], ["maybe", 1617], ["long", 1662], ["longs", 1662], ["sense", 1668], ["way", 1682], ["ways", 1682], ["everything", 1695], ["slip", 1716], ["slipped", 1716], ["away", 1721], ["lexi", 1730], ["let", 1734], ["lets", 1734], ["go", 1744], ["goest", 1744], ["need", 1763], ["needest", 1763], ["need", 1790], ["needest", 1790], ["needed", 1790], ["chapter", 1814], ["limp", 1831], ["limps", 1831], ["limping", 1831], ["arm", 1847], ["arms", 1847], ["sweat", 1855], ["trickle", 1864], ["trickled", 1864], ["temple", 1880], ["mock", 1890], ["mocking", 1890], ["headache", 1912], ["shake", 1929], ["shaking", 1929], ["finish", 1954], ["finished", 1954], ["three", 1962], ["day", 1966], ["battle", 1973], ["water", 1987], ["take", 2001], ["took", 2001], ["strength", 2018], ["keep", 2026], ["keepest", 2026], ["sat", 2042], ["sit", 2042], ["sitting", 2042], ["upright", 2050], ["sad", 2066], ["consider", 2080], ["considering", 2080], ["work", 2110], ["wrought", 2110], ["try", 2140], ["tryed", 2140], ["tried", 2140], ["seem", 2147], ["seeming", 2147], ["seemed", 2147], ["strong", 2177], ["defense", 2192], ["defenses", 2192], ["impenetrable", 2205], ["deep", 2212], ["deeply", 2212], ["matter", 2244], ["mattering", 2244], ["mattered", 2244], ["trust", 2269], ["fail", 2309], ["failed", 2309], ["wait", 2323], ["waitest", 2323], ["waited", 2323], ["weakness", 2340], ["fade", 2348], ["enough", 2355], ["move", 2369], ["shift", 2387], ["shifted", 2387], ["rest", 2416], ["resting", 2416], ["look", 2447], ["looking", 2447], ["angle", 2453], ["shoulder", 2469], ["shouldered", 2469], ["shimmer", 2493], ["shimmering", 2493], ["shimmered", 2493], ["bright", 2510], ["brights", 2510], ["bedroom", 2518], ["lit", 2525], ["light", 2525], ["lights", 2525], ["show", 2535], ["showing", 2535], ["angry", 2548], ["swirl", 2554], ["swirls", 2554], ["swirlest", 2554], ["green", 2564], ["greens", 2564], ["blue", 2584], ["early", 2622], ["sick", 2640], ["dread", 2655], ["realize", 2671], ["realized", 2671], ["happen", 2703], ["happened", 2703], ["reverse", 2725], ["reversed", 2725], ["process", 2737], ["bond", 2748], ["bonding", 2748], ["close", 2760], ["closer", 2760], ["together", 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in chicago she had to transfer planes and jump on a flight to pittsburgh , in pittsburgh , she was wait-listed on a flight to detroit . it was an extremely circuitous route , but considering the circumstances , kim did n't have much of a choice . and now , as she waited in a terminal in the pittsburgh airport , she could feel her patience begin to wear thin . she kept an eye on the two gate attendants , flashing them a look that alternated between pissed off and sugary sweet , as though she had not yet decided which tactic would work best . she had missed the previous flight and this was her last chance . the next flight would n't be leaving until tomorrow morning . boarding would start at any moment , which meant in a few seconds she would know whether she would arrive in detroit this evening or tomorrow . everyone seemed to be scurrying as fast as possible . haggard-looking parents held on to tired and cranky children as they rushed to make their flights . as she scanned the crowd her eyes focused on a tall , handsome man moving in her direction . although he was definitely not her type , he was striking nonetheless . she had always thought of herself as a good judge of people , and she judged him to be a california beach bum . he was all muscles , with lean , handsome features that were framed by tousled , wavy brown hair . he had a deep tan and at least a two-day beard growth . he was wearing a bright tropical shirt , jeans , and sneakers and carrying a large red backpack over his shoulders . kim knew the type . the , `` hey ladies , look at me '' type . handsome and aware of it . his only concern was the height of the waves . she watched as he walked up to the gate and began to speak to the attendant . he pulled out a ticket and showed it to her . it was obvious that he was not confirming his seat , but was asking her a question about the flight . the other gate attendant began to board the flight . concerned , kim grabbed her luggage and began to move forward , just as the man pulled out his wallet and flashed the gate attendant what appeared to be id . kim stepped up to the ticket counter and interrupted . `` excuse me , '' she said , sensing disaster . `` can you tell me when you 'll announce the names of the wait-listed passengers that can board ? '' the attendant did n't even look up from her computer screen . there 's only room for one waitlisted passenger . and that would be this gentleman right here . '' but i was here first , '' kim said , trying desperately to remain calm . `` he just got here ! '' `` look , '' the man said quietly to kim . `` this is not fair , '' kim said , tears welling in her eyes . `` i 've been waiting here for two hours , and you 're letting some guy just bump me right off ? '' `` i 'm sorry , ma'am , '' the attendant said insincerely . he was priority-ranked . '' just let me explain ... '' the man began . `` priority-ranked ? '' kim said incredibly . `` what kind of a system is this ? '' `` i 'm sorry , ma'am , '' she repeated simply as she handed the man his boarding pass . i 'll be happy to book you on a flight leaving first thing in the morning . '' ' `` please , '' the man said calmly to kim . `` i can explain ... '' he began . kim interrupted , as the tears began to flow . `` my father is very sick . he 's in the hospital ... intensive care . tomorrow morning may be too late . '' the gate attendant rolled her eyes as though she had heard it all before . sick aunt , sick grandpa , sick dog , sick dad . it was the busiest travel day of the year , and kim was n't getting on that flight kim glanced back at the man with the seat assignment . she may have lost the gate attendant 's sympathy , but it looked as if she still had the man 's attention . `` we 're very close , my father and i , '' she explained , lowering her voice but keeping the intensity . `` he 's on his deathbed . if something happens to him before i get there , i do n't know if i could live with myself . '' well at least part of it was true . the part about him being her father . the final boarding call was made , and the man glanced down at his ticket . `` please , '' kim said . `` he could die before i get there . '' okay , now she was really upset . the man glanced toward the boarding gate . he looked at kim as if evaluating her for truthfulness . `` here , '' he said , handing her his ticket . kim glanced down at the boarding pass . it was issued to an a. hoffman . she smiled at him appreciatively . `` thank you , mr. hoffman . `` good luck , '' he said matter-of-factly .	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perhaps that image , fictional or otherwise , was part of what generated gabriel 's intense antipathy to the sight of julia on her knees . even now , several months into their marriage , that was one position he could n't countenance . perhaps it 's because of paulina . she did n't like thinking of gabriel 's former lover and the mother of the child they 'd lost . but unless gabriel was hiding something , he had n't heard from her in over a year . julia was inclined to let sleeping dogs lie . a shadow fell over her legs and she looked through her sunglasses to see him standing over her . he was clad only in black swimming trunks and was carrying a towel . his muscled chest and arms rippled as he moved , kissing her before placing the towel on a chair and diving into the pool . the water was warm and a welcome respite from the bright umbrian sun . gabriel swam laps , losing himself in the almost-silence of the water . back and forth and back and forth . during physical exercise , as during sex , he could relieve his mind of all worry and stress , focusing only on his movements . he actively suppressed all thought or reflection on his nightmare . an intuition had taken hold that told him that the dream was a memory . no amount of reasoning had been able to persuade him otherwise . so he simply turned his attention to something else-the feel of the sun and the water against his flesh , the sound of splashing in his ears , the taste of chlorine , the glorious burn in his muscles as he pushed himself to swim faster . he was counting laps , flip turn upon flip turn , when the peacefulness of his morning swim was broken by a sudden cry . he surfaced immediately , his eyes searching for julia . she was still in her chair , but she 'd swung her legs over the side of the lounge and was holding her iphone to her ear . julia 's voice was unusually shrill . gabriel wiped his eyes so he could see her better . she paused , mouth gaping . gabriel swam to the ladder and climbed out of the pool . he picked up his towel and began to dry off , his eyes fixed on her . `` no , i 'm happy . her tone was sincere , if not surprised , but her body language was notably tense . gabriel waved a hand in front of her face . my dad , she mouthed . now it was gabriel 's turn to gape . if her words meant what he thought they meant , then ... `` so when is the wedding ? '' julia peered up at gabriel , lifting her eyebrows . i 'll check with him and get back to you . this is really sudden . '' `` yes , for you too . gabriel reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder . gabriel wiped his face with the towel a second time and moved to sit on the lounge next to julia . `` of course we 'll be there . we just need to sort out the date . julia disconnected the phone and slumped in her seat . `` my dad is getting married . '' gabriel 's lips twitched . they spoke to you about it in selinsgrove . '' `` yes , but they want to get married immediately because diane is pregnant . '' gabriel stifled a grin . he stroked the stubble on his chin , pretending to be deep in thought . `` a shotgun wedding for tom , who is probably the only person i know who actually owns a shotgun . i 'd label the situation as ironic , except i know better . '' julia adjusted her sunglasses . `` yes , literature professors have an annoying habit of actually using words correctly . it takes all the fun out of a good neologism . '' `` and that remark there '' -he paused to kiss her mouth- '' is precisely why i love you , mrs . `` i thought you loved me for my br**sts . '' `` i am equally partial to all of your assets . '' he slid his hand down to the edge of her bikini bottom , giving it a playful tug . `` you are entirely too charming for your own good , professor . '' he removed her hat and her sunglasses , so he could see her eyes . `` no , i 'm in shock . my dad is having a baby . we did n't light a candle for him in assisi . '' `` that 's probably a good thing , or god would have sent him twins . '' `` i 'm sure it was a shock for your father . how 's he taking it ? '' `` he sounded excited . i get the impression they were surprised , but i did n't want to ask too many questions . '' at least i know what to buy him for christmas . '' gabriel 's mouth widened into a slow , satisfied smile . `` so when are they getting married ? '' julia gestured between them . `` that depends on us . they want us to be there , so as soon as we can get back . 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their little interaction told him that she was pretty cynical and tough herself , and she had been delivering people to the fringe for over three hundred years . liam definitely gave her a run for her money in the obnoxious department , and he imagined that he would probably be completely unbearable after three hundred years . dealing with death did that to an angel . was there a retirement community where sarcastic , jaded , intolerable angels of death went ? evangeline led them down a path to a large building towering at least four hundred feet . the glass door with embedded gold stones stood at least thirty feet tall . they followed her through the great entryway , their footsteps silent on the clouds beneath their feet . liam let out a low whistle as he took in the glass walls with what looked like rubies and emeralds fixed within them . almost everyone else is gathered . you two are running late , evangeline said , picking up the pace . i came as soon as i received notification , adela said . i did too , liam chimed in . he didnt want anyone to think hed been slacking . the path of clouds started to incline , then reversed direction . it zigged and zagged upward through the middle of the large building . they passed another large glass door that had stones of green , brown , blue , and gold embedded within it . adela turned to him , hooking her thumb in the direction of the door . thats where mother nature resides , she whispered . they continued walking until they came upon another door . this one was black onyx and stood a good twenty feet in the air . this is where michael , the archangel , resides , adela answered . whoa , they were also meeting with the top guythe dude in charge of all the angels ? maybe liam could find out when his stint as an angel of death would come to an end . why is he in mother natures building ? all angels are part of life , part of mother nature , evangeline replied . birth , love , death . its all part of the circle of nature . a complete duh moment if there ever was one . they pushed opened the black door and walked in . the black onyx floor met the black onyx walls , and in front of the room was a large black onyx stage with white curtains pulled to the sides . adela and liam were quickly swallowed up in a crowd of thousands of angels of tolerance in black leather . as liam looked around , he wondered who in the hell was taking care of all the people dying , and the room was abuzz with that very question . on any given day , there would be approximately two hundred thousand people dying on earthgive or take a fewand it looked as though all the angels of death were accounted for and present . not that he knew all of themnot even close . however , hed never seen so much black leather in one place , and that included the biker bars he liked to frequent when he was alive . the angels of innocence , who took care of the kids and the softer souls of earth , gathered in the far right corner of the room looking like a pile of easter eggs . the women wore pink robes and the men wore blue . in the opposite corner were the angels of sin who sent people to hell , their faces invisible under black-hooded cloaks . they werent too chatty ; they simply stood there waiting for the meeting to begin . after a few moments , the archangel michael stepped onto the large stage in the front of the room and everyone got quiet . he towered over seven feet , holding a golden scepter the same color as his chin-length hair . his golden robe graced the top of the matching sandals on his feet . his eyes were also a golden color , his skin a porcelain white . everyone immediately quieted down and bowed their heads . liam followed suit . when in rome , and all that . liam could feel the power in the room emanating from michael as if it were a wind or a force all its own , and he felt humbled and awed to be in the archangels presence . my angels , michael said , his voice deep , yet musical . i have stopped time on earth for this meeting , so we must finish quickly . stopped time on earth ? whoa , mate . liam decided hed like to see that , maybe walk around and cause a little trouble for those stuck in time . pick a pocket or two , remove a shoe , change the channel on the tv . nothing serious , just some messing around he would get a laugh out of doing . will the children on earth know this has happened ? one of the pink-robed angels of innocence asked . no , but the energy required to pull such a feat is immense , and all of you must be back in your places very soon . the pink-robed angel bowed her head , and michael began . there is more death than ever on the precious planet . the humans are divided on everything : race , politics , religion . not that they shouldnt exercise their ability to choose their own pathsthat is why the creator gave them free will .	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relaxing a little , hugh set his mind to accomplishing the task . he would have to work around the old woman , that was obvious . if the hag got wind of his idea , she would most likely put an end to it right quick and make trouble for him . he supposed that would n't be his responsibility . after all , the only thing he could do was try to see to the girl 's future well-being . if the old woman would n't accept anything from him but marriage ... well , she was going to be disappointed . it was just a shame if she made things harder on the girl than need be . the melodious voice - high , clear , and angelic - came to him again moments later . cocking his head , he turned it by degrees until he could tell from which direction the song came , and then he headed his horse toward it . hugh came upon a clearing to find the sound sweet in the air , but no sign of the girl from whose lips it came . perplexed , he scanned the area more carefully . he spied her half-hidden in a crush of weeds . rather than search out the garlic the old lady had sent her after , the girl lay in a tangle of weeds and flowers . she made dandelion chains as she sang . hugh urged his horse forward , almost sorry when her song died mid-word and she sat up abruptly . `` she sent you for garlic . is this how you obey your guardian ? '' when she merely stared up at him in blank confusion , he shifted impatiently . `` she has no need of garlic , my lord . i collected that yesterday . '' `` mayhap she needed more . why else did she ask you to fetch it ? '' `` she merely wished to speak to you alone . '' ' hugh accepted that news in silence . his gaze moved around the clearing and he began to frown. `` 't is not wise to wander about alone . you could be set upon . `` wolfy and fen would keep me safe . '' his eyebrows rose , but he did not question her . she tilted her head in a listening attitude before collecting her empty basket and getting to her feet . she will want me now that you have left . '' leaning down , hugh caught her arm , then released her as if stung when she turned back in question . shaking his head at his own reaction to her , he held his hand out . `` i will take you back . '' willa did not hesitate , but promptly placed her fingers in his . for one moment , hugh wondered at her placing her trust in him so easily . then he reasoned that as far as she knew , he was her betrothed . of course , she would trust him . the issue resolved in his mind , he lifted her up and settled her on the saddle before him , then adjusted his hold on the reins . hugh turned the horse in a slow circle back the way he had come , aware that lucan was following a discreet distance behind on his own mount . `` who are wilf and fin ? '' `` wolfy and fen , '' she corrected , then added , `` friends . '' the girl wiggled about a bit on the saddle in search of a more comfortable seat . hugh gritted his teeth against his body 's natural reaction as she rubbed against him , but continued determinedly with his questions . `` would you ever consider marrying either of them ? '' that brought her head swinging around , her lovely golden tresses brushing across his face . much to his chagrin , a burble of laughter burst from her lips . my lord , that would be quite impossible . '' her sincere amusement at the idea brought a scowl to hugh 's face as she turned to face front . unfortunately , though she turned away , her hair remained plastered across his face , caught in the stubble on his cheeks . he jerked his head backward to dislodge the soft tendrils , then considered his next question . while he was still curious about the wolfy and fen she had mentioned , hugh was more concerned about resolving this situation in such a way that he would not have to marry her , yet would not have to feel guilty either . `` is there anyone who holds a special place in your affections ? '' hugh went still , his hands tightening on the reins as hope rose at those easily confessed words . he had n't expected to be so lucky . but if she held a tendre for someone , all he need do was to arrange for her to marry the fellow . he would then settle some money on the couple and his troubles would be over . `` eada is like a mother to me , '' she said , bursting his bubble . `` she is a wonderful woman . hugh rolled his eyes at that , finding it hard to see anything special or wonderful about the hag . but , in any case , the girl obviously had n't understood his question . it seemed he would have to be more specific . he should have expected that , of course .	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shepley carried america up the stairs on his back , but i stayed behind , tugging on abby 's arm . i watched our friends until they went into the apartment , and then fidgeted with abby 's hands in mine . `` i owe you an apology for today , so i 'm sorry . '' `` no , i apologized for parker . i do n't want you thinking i 'm some psycho that goes around attacking people over the tiniest thing , '' i said , `` but i owe you an apology because i did n't defend you for the right reason . '' `` and that would be ... , '' she prompted . `` i lunged at him because he said he wanted to be next in line , not because he was teasing you . '' `` insinuating there is a line is plenty reason for you to defend me , trav . '' i was pissed because i took that as him wanting to sleep with you . '' abby thought for a moment , and then grabbed the sides of my shirt . she pressed her forehead against my t-shirt , into my chest . i do n't care , '' she said , looking up at me with a smile . `` i do n't care what people are saying , or that you lost your temper , or why you messed up chris 's face . the last thing i want is a bad reputation , but i 'm tired of explaining our friendship to everyone . to hell with 'em . '' `` our friendship ? sometimes i wonder if you listen to me at all . '' the bubble she surrounded herself with was impenetrable , and i wondered what would happen if i ever did make it through . she nodded , and we walked together up the stairs , and into the apartment . america and shepley were already murmuring happily in their bedroom , and abby disappeared into the bathroom . the pipes shrieked , and then the water in the shower beat against the tile . toto kept me company while i waited . she did n't waste time ; her nightly routine was complete within the hour . she lay on the bed , her wet hair resting on my arm . she breathed out a long , relaxing breath . `` just two weeks left . what are you going to do for drama when i move back to morgan ? '' i willed my body to relax against the mattress , reminding myself that for the moment , she was still next to me . i needed her in my arms . enough time had been wasted . `` do you trust me , pidge ? '' i asked , a little nervous . `` c'mere , '' i said , pulling her against me . i waited for her to protest , but she only froze for a few moments before letting her body melt into mine . her cheek relaxed against my chest . instantly , my eyes felt heavy . tomorrow i would try to think of a way to postpone her departure , but in that moment , sleeping with her in my arms was the only thing i wanted to do . chapter fifteen tomorrow two weeks . that was all i had left to either enjoy our remaining time together , or somehow show abby that i could be who she needed . i put on the charm ; pulled out all the stops ; spared no expense . we went bowling , on dinner dates , lunch dates , and to the movies . we also spent as much time at the apartment as possible : renting movies , ordering in , anything to be alone with her . we did n't have a single fight . adam called a couple of times . even though i made a good show , he was unhappy with how short the fights lasted . money was money , but i did n't want to waste any time away from pidge . she was happier than i 'd ever seen her , and for the first time , i felt like a normal , whole human being instead of some broken , angry man . at night we would lie down and snuggle like an old married couple . the closer it came to her last night , the more of a struggle it was to stay upbeat and pretend i was n't desperate to keep our lives the way they were . the night before her last night , abby opted for dinner at the pizza shack . crumbs on the red floor , the smell of grease and spices in the air , minus the obnoxious soccer team , it was perfect . perfect , but sad . it was the first place we 'd had dinner together . abby laughed a lot , but she never opened up . never mentioned our time together . still in that bubble . that my efforts were being ignored was at times infuriating , but being patient and keeping her happy were the only ways i had any chance of succeeding . she fell asleep fairly quickly that night . as she slept just a few inches away , i watched her , trying to burn her image into my memory . the way her lashes fell against her skin ; the way her wet hair felt against my arm ; the fruity , clean smell that wafted from her lotioned body ; the barely audible noise her nose made when she exhaled . she was so peaceful , and had become so comfortable sleeping in my bed .	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he knew he had n't made a good first impression on her . the way he froze when he first saw her did n't help . he 'd known she was attractive , but the faded photo did n't capture the warmth of her smile or the serious way she studied him , as if searching for hidden flaws . lost in thought , he reached the main training area behind the office . the mastiff was panting hard , and thibault led him toward the kennel . he told zeus to sit and stay , then put the mastiff back in his cage . he filled the water bowl , along with a few others that seemed low , and retrieved from the office the simple lunch he 'd packed earlier . then he headed for the creek . he liked to eat there . the brackish water and shady oak with its low-slung branches draped with spanish moss lent a prehistoric feeling to the place that he and zeus both enjoyed . through the trees and at the edge of his vision , he noted a tree house and wood-planked rope bridge that appeared to have been constructed with scraps , something thrown together by someone not completely sure what they were doing . as usual , zeus stood in the water up to his haunches , cooling off before ducking his head underwater and barking . thibault turned and saw ben standing at the edge of the clearing . `` barking at fish , i guess . '' `` every time he 's out here . '' `` it 's strange , '' the boy remarked . zeus took note of ben 's presence , making sure no threat was evident , then stuck his head under the water and barked again . ben stayed at the edge of the clearing . unsure what to say next , thibault took another bite of his sandwich . `` i saw you come out here yesterday , '' ben said . `` my tree house is over there , '' he said . `` it 's my secret hideout . '' `` it 's a good thing to have , '' thibault said . he motioned to the branch beside him . `` i ca n't get too close . '' `` my mom says you 're a stranger . '' `` it 's a good idea to listen to your mom . '' ben seemed satisfied with thibault 's response but uncertain about what to do next . he turned from thibault to zeus , debating , before deciding to take a seat on a toppled tree near where he 'd been standing , preserving the distance between them . `` are you going to work here ? '' `` i am working here . '' i mean are you going to quit ? '' `` because the last two guys quit . they did n't like cleaning up the poop . '' `` i do n't like the way it smells . '' i just try to ignore it . '' ben pushed his glasses up on his nose again . `` where 'd you get the name zeus ? '' thibault could n't hide a smile . he 'd forgotten how curious kids could be . `` that was his name when i got him . '' `` why did n't you change it to something you wanted ? '' did n't think about it , i guess . '' `` we had a german shepherd . his name was oliver . '' `` it 's okay , '' ben assured him . thibault finished his sandwich , stuffed the plastic wrap back in the bag , and opened the bag of nuts he 'd packed . he noticed ben staring at him and gestured toward the bag . `` you want some almonds ? '' `` i 'm not supposed to accept food from strangers . '' ben smiled at that . `` my name 's ben . '' `` nice to meet you , ben . i 'm logan thibault . '' `` did you really walk here from colorado ? '' thibault squinted at him . `` i heard mom talking to nana . they said that most normal people would have drove . '' `` did your legs get tired ? '' `` at first they did . but after a while , i got used to all the walking . so did zeus . actually , i think he liked the walk . there was always something new to see , and he got to chase a zillion squirrels . '' ben shuffled his feet back and forth , his . expression serious . `` can zeus fetch ? '' `` like a champ . but only for a few throws . he gets bored after that . do you want to throw a stick for him ? '' thibault cupped his mouth and called for zeus to come ; the dog came bounding out of the water , paused a few feet away , and shook the water from his coat . he focused on thibault . `` get a stick . '' zeus immediately put his nose to the ground , sifting through myriad fallen branches . in the end , he chose a small stick and trotted toward thibault . `` bigger , '' he said , and zeus stared at him with what resembled disappointment before turning away .	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i picked up a magazine and tried to find something that interested me to read . nothing caught my eye . the frosted-glass door opened , and john sweeney with wife margaret came in , looking a bit lost . i called waving my hand to get their attention . hey , torie , there you are . we had a little trouble finding a parking place . glad we arent late . i think theyll be ready for us in just a few minutes , i smiled . did you read over all the verbiage of the contract ? the couple removed their coats , and margaret unwrapped a multi-colored scarf from her head . john hung their things on the coat tree . torie , he said indicating my coat . oh , thanks , john . i let him hang it for me beside theirs . john took a seat then and used his thumb and finger to push his glasses up on his nose , nodding . it is just such a wonderful gift to the genealogical society . its my pleasure john . i cant wait for the next five years of your plans . to see the outbuildings and land used for education will be a wonderful addition to fremont . with the five acres that goes with it , you will have plenty of space to spread out over the years . torie , we are forever indebted to you . the community of fremont and really the counties this will serve . are you sure about the antiques and photos ? you want to leave everything as is in the house ? torie , john , margaret , come on in . i nodded my answer to john , took a deep breath , and followed greg mitchell , a prominent oskaloosa lawyer and champion of the cause . he was forty , handsome , and unattached . he had been a little too interested in me at first , but we were on the same page now . please , everyone , have a seat . he indicated the chairs , and holding his tie to keep it from sweeping the desk , he took his seat behind . as we discussed on the phone last night , torie , this is just a finalization of the contract you have all approved . once we file the papers with the state tomorrow , your obligation to the property will be forever transferred to the society . i nodded and smiled at john . i hoped that he would make this everything he dreamed it could be . as john wished and you agreed , torie , the formal ownership of your property will be that of the society with no reference to mr. cameron or yourself , however , it will be understood that the planned renovation , trade , and farming sciences addition expected within five years will be known as the david samuel cameron learning center . john looked to me for my approval , and i nodded . dave would have never agreed to that . it would be too over-the-top for him , but its my decision . item two . a yearly donation from the neumann mills 2012 charity trust in the amount of ten thousand us dollars annually to be paid within the first month of each calendar year to sustain the residence and pay any expenses necessary for the year , as long as the trust is sustainable . if the trust becomes insolvent , the monetary contributions with be deemed fulfilled . torie has made the initial contribution for the current year , and the trust has been advanced one million dollars from torie , pending sale of her book project still in progress . and lastly , it is understood that the property on 140th avenue also known as york avenue in the state of iowa , county of mahaska , township of cedar , town of fremont will forever and always be considered a public building and will not now or hereafter be used as a private residence . neither will the property have any overnight visitors or school-related retreats , reunions , or conventions . if this meets with everyones approval , all i need is your john hancocks and we will be out of here . john and margaret , you first , i said . greg mitchell moved his paperweight and placed the document before john . he signed and handed the pen to margaret , indicating with his index finger , where she should sign . be sure to put your title of treasurer , he reminded her . mr. mitchell looked to me and slid the paper over . i added my signature . finally over and done ! i felt a huge relief , like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i was thankful that no one else would ever face the horror i was unable to save dave from experiencing . but i would miss seeing my familylucy , rose , grandpa henry and so many others that i had come to know and love . i would cherish what i had lived and learned from them and use those lessons to make my own life rich and full . i knew that i would be able to give myself totally to a man now and be successful at it . i had many good examples of loving relationships to draw from . we all stood and shook hands , and i hugged john and margaret and swept my hand before me indicating they should precede me .	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i 'll give you an early morning driving lesson and then we 'll tour some of the local gardens . '' `` but- '' he latched his hand around her nape and pulled her forward for a hard and fast kiss . the smooch ended before she could react . he turned away , reentered his apartment and shut the door . men did n't throw her out . was this only a prelude to what she could expect from him in the future ? because she really did n't like the way it made her feel . and that was a bitter pill to swallow because she 'd done the same thing too many times to count while trying to forget her dead-her husband . she 'd used men for a few minutes of oblivion , to feel complete and whole , then she 'd dumped them . suddenly , she did n't like the person she 'd become very much . using people was one bad habit she 'd have to break . nadia lifted her gaze from the beautiful lily to lucas 's face . he had n't been so bossy before . and in the past she would have told him exactly what he could do with that attitude , but learning to deal with her father over the years had made her slightly less prickly . he shoved his oakley sunglasses up into his golden hair , revealing the blue eyes she 'd fallen head over heels for more than a decade ago-eyes she was in danger of drowning in again today . `` you claim you 've learned to cook . let 's see how good you are at identifying your ingredients . '' he withdrew a white handkerchief from his back jeans pocket and folded it first into a triangle and then into a band which he stretched between his hands . her pulse kicked erratically and her mouth dried . `` are you making a blindfold ? '' they 'd never done kinky sex before , and she was n't expecting to start now on a saturday afternoon in the texasdiscoverygardens with other guests and even children around . on the other hand , if he took her back to the penthouse she 'd be more than willing to play whatever games he dished out . making love with him last night had made her feel whole for the first time in a long time . she wanted more even though that meant opening herself up for more pain and disappointment , and she 'd become very protective of her wounded heart over the years . `` the scent garden behind you was originally developed for the blind . '' she started to turn and look , but he caught her elbow and held her in place . eleven years ago lucas had shown her a side of life she never would have experienced inside the kincaid compound walls . she decided to cut him some slack today . how could it go wrong ? `` okay , fine , but no blindfold . '' `` do n't you trust me , nadia ? '' the multibillion dollar question . could she ever trust lucas stone again ? yes , she understood his reasons for taking the money . but he 'd left her alone to grieve . he could n't possibly know how close she 'd come to-she cut off the thought . she was n't that wounded woman anymore . she 'd come a long way and made a success of her life . the white fabric fluttered over her head coming to rest over her eyes and the bridge of her nose . his fingers teased her hair as he tied the ends in the back . goose bumps rose on her arms despite the heat of the day . he might not intend this to be an arousing experience , but the sizzle percolating through her veins was definitely sexual . without her sight her senses suddenly seemed sharper . she could feel the warmth radiating off his body , smell the lilies in front of her and the man behind her . she leaned against him , letting him blanket her body with heat . his cologne combined with his natural muskiness caused by their hour-long stroll through the gardens on this hot august day filled her nostrils . she licked her lips and tilted her head against his shoulder wanting his taste . he squeezed her waist then his breath steamed the under-side of her jaw a split second before his lips touched down on the pulse quickening in her neck . for more than blindly sniffing plants . he gripped her shoulders then turned her around and urged her forward for several yards . his grip tightened , stopping her . his fingertips stroked down her bare arm , arousing a shiver from her . he caught her hand and scraped his nails lightly over her palm then guided her fingers over the pointy leaves of a plant before carrying her hand to her nose . `` tell me what you smell . '' but that was an easy one . '' his tightening grip stopped her after five steps . this time he stroked the tender flesh inside her opposite arm . desire simmered inside her . his fingers threaded through hers , his palm flattening over the back of her hand , and then he brushed their joined hands over a smooth , cool plant . together they lifted her hand to her nose .	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and now , if he had his way , he 'd be very much a part of her future . a future she 'd always envisioned having with him . `` that 's my girl , '' he murmured as he stroked her down from her orgasm . he raised himself off her enough so that she was forced to meet his gaze . then he began thrusting rhythmically . until the slap of his hps meeting her flesh echoed over the room . `` look at me , '' he said harshly when she would have closed her eyes and dreamily drifted away . her eyes flew open again and she stared at the firm line of his jaw . the fire and determination in his eyes . he screamed possession without saying a word . his body owned her . over and over he took until she moaned softly , unsure of whether she wanted mercy or wanted none . `` every part of you ... mine . your brsts are mine . your p*sy is mine and i 'll possess it whenever i like for however long i like . your mouth is mine to take . say it , ren . say it while i come inside you . tell me you 're mine and make me believe it . '' she reached up for him , looped her arms around his neck and pulled him down . `` i 'm yours , cole . i 'm yours to do with as you wish . '' and for now it was the absolute truth . chapter 18 ren lay curled in cole 's lap on the overstuffed couch in his sunroom . it was a beautiful room , full of windows bursting with light from the side and above . the room was almost completely glassed in and the view of his garden was magnificent . it reminded her of a children 's book . a fantasy garden that hid secret pathways . enchanted and magical . it was clear that this house was cole 's refuge . built to exacting standards . ultimate comfort and privacy in mind . here nothing could encroach and that gave her an added measure of security and comfort . he took another strawberry and held it to her mouth . she took a bite , the sweet fruit delectable on her tongue . cole had arranged for an entire buffet in the sunroom and had fed her by hand whatever she wanted . she felt pampered and ridiculously spoiled and now she was content to lie in his arms . he 'd kicked up his feet and stretched lengthwise on the couch so his back was to the arm . she was draped over him and every once in a while he reached for something to feed her . his other hand stayed in her hair and he absently stroked through it and down her arm almost as if it was impossible for him to stop touching her . `` i think this would be perfect for your office , '' he said . `` do you think you can work here or do you prefer something not so open ? '' it should n't have surprised her that he would have arranged for her to have space to work . lucas would have seen to it . where better to create her own children 's tales than in a setting that looked straight out of one ? `` i 'll have all your things brought here and arranged to your liking . '' `` i do n't have my stuff yet . '' `` he had everything sent over this morning , '' cole said quietly . silence descended and she tried so very hard not to read anything into the fact that lucas had made no effort to see her . she would n't allow it to hurt her because she had no idea the motive or lack of one and she refused to speculate . `` do you remember when we used to do this on the weekends ? '' cole 's question brought her sharply out of her thoughts and sent her mind seeking in a completely different direction . maybe it had been intentional . but it was effective because her mind wandered back to days spent just like this . she sprawled across cole 's body , both of them content to just be . her smile was wistful and a little bittersweet . we had such good times . '' she angled her head so she could stare up at him . `` how can we just fall back into this , cole ? we do n't even know each other anymore . it 's been ten years since we were together . this has all happened so fast that i 'm having a hard time putting it all together . are we having a fling for old time 's sake ? i feel like i need to know what the expectations are . i mean , lucas gave me to you . the three of us are adhering to rules that most other people do n't have any knowledge of and yet they 're important to all of us . i need to know where i stand with you . take away the rules , the agreement , the fact for the next two weeks i am for all practical purposes your property and just tell me what this is . '' `` you do n't ask much , '' he said dryly . he stroked his fingers through her hair , kissed her tenderly on the forehead again and then expelled his breath in a long sigh .	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we were never promised we would n't go through storms in life ; the only promise was that after the storm there would be a rainbow . you 're my rainbow , and i 'd like to think duncan and i , as well as this little one- '' she pointed to her flat stomach . `` -are your rainbows , too . '' `` you were forgiven before you even asked . '' it was then nicholas renwick 's heart began to heal again . the minute his wife offered him the forgiveness and love he so desperately sought after all his life . the love he did n't do anything to deserve but was given to him despite his many shortcomings . he whispered the words against her cheek . she laughed softly as she guided his hand to her stomach . epilogue five years later `` samuel ! '' nicholas bellowed through the hall . `` samuel , get down here this instant ! '' his aggressive five-year-old proceeded to run down the stairs at lightning speed , missing the last one with all the grace that a young child could posses and promptly fell on his bottom . mischievous blue eyes looked up at nicholas , melting his heart instantly . what had he been so upset about again ? oh right , samuel had single-handedly cut all the hair off his sisters ' dolls and then fed it to the chickens . nicholas 's temper returned . the poor girls were only two and a half , and they cried for hours ! `` samuel , what do you have to say for yourself ? '' samuel bit his lip perplexed at such a question or so it seemed . `` they had ugly hair , '' he stated dryly . leave it to sara to give birth to a son that had more wit and dry sarcasm than the two of them combined . nicholas pinched his nose and rolled his eyes . `` son , listen to me . '' samuel nodded his head and crossed his arms , in the exact same fashion nicholas habitually did when he was concentrating . `` one day you 're going to want girls to like you and girls like to be treated like princesses . if you treat your sisters cruelly , then you wo n't learn how to treat girls nicely . then no one will want to marry you . `` dad , did you have that problem ? '' `` samuel , i- '' `` because mum said that lots of girls liked you even though you- '' `` enough . '' nicholas did n't even want to know what samuel had to say next . `` go find your sisters and apologize . '' samuel nodded his head and trotted back up the stairs , rather cheerfully to nicholas 's mind . it was as if he was staring at himself as a young boy . when samuel reached the age to court , he was locking him in the upstairs attic . he had too much charm to do him any good at that age , especially with women . he walked over to his study and smiled . sara had redecorated it when she was pregnant with the twins . her nervous energy came in swift bounds during those months , making it nearly impossible for even nicholas to sit still around her . sara 's voice whispered behind his ear . he jumped slightly then turned and pulled her into his arms . `` oh just about you , and the girls , and samuel 's upstairs apologizing , by the way . '' `` i still ca n't believe he fed the doll hair to the chickens . you do know that the gardener is still pulling it out of the coop , right ? '' nicholas tried not to laugh . `` yes , and on behalf of men everywhere , i apologize . i do n't know what gets into him . '' she said without taking time to think . `` he 's his father 's son , that 's what , plus duncan is n't the best influence when it comes to pranks . did you know that just last week he brought a frog to church ? '' sara 's eyes closed in absolute horror . `` it was awful , especially when he handed it to mother and asked her to hold it during the sermon . '' lady fenton was the picture of elegance and grace , to envision her holding her grandson 's frog was the most amusing thing he had heard in ages . `` you were n't there to rescue her since you were gone on business all week , and i was still feeling ill ! the poor dear sat there for an hour , nicholas ; an entire hour with the slimy thing in her lap . oddly enough , it did n't move . '' `` probably fell asleep , '' he muttered under his breath . sara swatted him . `` that was me being nice , '' he grumbled . `` that old vicar needs to be replaced and you know it . '' sara huffed . `` well , yes , but i do n't see any volunteers , plus we 'll be leaving for london soon . we wo n't have time to aid in the search . '' he nodded , then a thought popped into his head .	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higgens snarled his hatred of the captain and turned and ran . round him up . ryland hurried to the general while ian searched the two soldiers . they were confused and cooperative , sitting on the floor with their backs to the wall and their fingers linked behind their heads . ryland helped the general to his feet . `` i 'm sorry we were late , sir . we did n't get the invitation immediately . '' general ranier staggered to a chair with ryland 's help . he touched his head and his hand came away sticky with blood . `` that traitor pistol-whipped me . '' he sank heavily into the chair , his head down . ryland could see he looked old and tired , his face almost gray . call for the medics . secure the house and get lily in here . a grim-faced nicolas shoved colonel higgens into the room . nicolas marched him to a chair and thrust him into it . `` the house is secure , captain . we have three civilians down needing a medic . the man in the kitchen is dead . he 's military . '' `` he was my bodyguard , '' ranier said heavily . i took delia away and made certain she was safe then came back here so they would come after me . i had a feeling they would try and that she was in danger . '' he looked at colonel higgens . `` you killed a good man tonight . '' higgens did n't say a word but his cold dead eyes never left ryland . `` sir , we 've called the medics , they 'll be here shortly . my men are seeing to your people . i 'm captain ryland miller . '' `` so you 're the man all this fuss is about . peter used to talk to me about enhancing psychic ability and i finally agreed to his crazy scheme , but i never thought it would really work . '' he sat back in his chair , rested his head against the leather . `` if i 'd believed him , i would have paid more attention to what was going on . '' ryland handed him a clean towel to press against his head . `` my men and i are absent without leave , sir . we 'd like to surrender ourselves into your custody . '' `` well , now , captain , i believe you were expressly given an order to do whatever was necessary to protect your men and our nation 's secrets when you were given this assignment . to the best of your knowledge , is that what you 've done ? '' `` then i do n't see any need for anyone to think you were away without leave ; you were under orders . and as far as i can tell , your mission was a success . '' i do have one man injured . '' ryland looked at higgens . `` you can put attempted murder down along with all the other charges to be brought against him . '' lily burst into the room , hurled herself straight at general ranier . has anyone called an ambulance ? ryland , he should be lying down . '' the general hugged her to him . `` i 'm fine , lily , do n't fuss . he just shook me up a little . i 've been trying to put the pieces together ever since we talked . '' `` it has to be the defense contract . higgens must have been selling secrets for some time , '' lily said , dropping her voice . `` this experiment was only a bonus for him . he was willing to sell the information , but he could n't have had that many men in place so quickly unless he 's been up and running for some time . years , i 'm guessing . '' `` he ca n't have been alone . he was never involved in the satellite defense program , '' general ranier pointed out . `` i thought the same thing , lily . we 've had our suspicions that information was being leaked , but colonel higgens never was a suspect . his record is impeccable . '' `` i have a disk my father recorded . he must have left the voice-activated recorder secreted somewhere he was certain the colonel would talk openly . dad was very suspicious of the colonel . on the disk , you can clearly hear the colonel plotting your death and delia 's using a fire in your home as the means of the `` accident '' arly made copies and we have the original to be used for voice comparison . '' general ranier looked across the room at colonel higgens . `` i deny everything . they 're making up the entire story in an attempt to cover up their own cowardice and guilt , '' the colonel replied . `` i refuse to address this nonsense without my attorney present . '' `` i believe general mcentire is involved , sir , '' lily said with sorrow , knowing she was crushing ranier . `` i 'm sorry , i know he 's your friend . but i think he 's the ringleader and higgens works for him .	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and his friend murtagh , who took his clothes in order to prevent his getting up and wandering off before he was fit . '' he was standing stock still , the fading light from the window striking sparks in his hair . `` whereupon , '' i said conversationally , `` if memory serves , you promptly climbed out a window and decamped . in the middle of winter . '' the stiff fingers of his right hand tapped twice against his leg . `` i was four-and-twenty , '' he said at last , sounding gruff . `` i wasna meant to have any sense . '' `` i would n't argue with that for an instant , '' i assured him . i opened the other eye and fixed him with both . `` but you do know why i did it . he drew a very deep breath , sighed , and set down my clothes . he came and sat down on the bed beside me , making the wooden frame creak and groan beneath his weight . he picked up my hand , and held it as though it were something precious and fragile . it was , too-or at least it looked fragile , a delicate construct of transparent skin and the shadow of the bones within it . he ran his thumb gently down the back of my hand , tracing the bones from phalange to ulna , and i felt an odd , small tingle of distant memory ; the vision of my own bones , glowing blue through the skin , and master raymond 's hands , cupping my inflamed and empty womb , saying to me through the mists of fever , `` call him . call the red man . '' `` jamie , '' i said very softly . sunlight flashed on the metal of my silver wedding ring . he took hold of it between thumb and forefinger , and slid the little metal circlet gently up and down my finger , so loose that it did n't even catch on the bony knuckle . `` i do n't want to lose it . '' `` ye wo n't . '' he folded my fingers closed , his own hand closing large and warm around mine . he sat silent for a time , and we watched the bar of sun creep slowly across the counterpane . adso had moved with it , to stay in its warmth , and the light tipped his fur with a soft silver glow , the fine hairs that edged his ears tiny and distinct . `` it 's a great comfort , '' he said at last , `` to see the sun come up and go down . when i dwelt in the cave , when i was in prison , it gave me hope , to see the light come and go , and know that the world went about its business . '' he was looking out the window , toward the blue distance where the sky darkened toward infinity . his throat moved a little as he swallowed . `` it gives me the same feeling , sassenach , '' he said , `` to hear ye rustling about in your surgery , rattling things and swearin ' to yourself . '' he turned his head , then , to look at me , and his eyes held the depths of the coming night . `` if ye were no longer there-or somewhere- '' he said very softly , `` then the sun would no longer come up or go down . '' he lifted my hand and kissed it , very gently . he laid it , closed around my ring , upon my chest , rose , and left . i slept lightly now , no longer flung into the agitated world of fever dreams , nor sucked down into the deep well of oblivion as my body sought the healing of sleep . i did n't know what had wakened me , but i was awake , quite suddenly , alert and fresh-eyed , with no interval of drowsiness . the shutters were closed , but the moon was full ; soft light striped the bed . i ran a hand over the sheet beside me , lifted my hand far above my head . my arm was a slender pale stem , bloodless and fragile as a toadstool 's stalk ; my fingers flexed gently and spread , a web , a net to catch the dark . i could hear jamie breathing , in his accustomed spot on the floor beside the bed . i brought my arm down , stroked my body lightly with both hands , assessing . a tiny swell of breast , ribs i could count , one , two , three , four , five , and the smooth concavity of my stomach , slung like a hammock between the uprights of my hipbones . skin , and bones . there was a stirring in the dark beside the bed , and jamie 's head rose up , a presence more sensed than seen , so dark was the shadow there by contrast with the moonlight . a large dark hand groped across the quilt , touched my hip . `` are ye well , a nighean ? '' `` d 'ye need anything ? '' he was tired ; his head lay on the bed beside me , his breath warm through my shift .	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1920], ["moved", 1920], ["stay", 1938], ["warmth", 1952], ["tip", 1975], ["tipped", 1975], ["fur", 1983], ["soft", 1995], ["glow", 2007], ["glowest", 2007], ["fine", 2018], ["hair", 2024], ["hairs", 2024], ["edge", 2035], ["edges", 2035], ["edged", 2035], ["ear", 2044], ["ears", 2044], ["tiny", 2049], ["distinct", 2062], ["great", 2081], ["comfort", 2089], ["see", 2122], ["come", 2135], ["go", 2145], ["goest", 2145], ["dwell", 2165], ["dwelling", 2165], ["dwellest", 2165], ["cave", 2177], ["prison", 2200], ["give", 2210], ["gave", 2210], ["hope", 2218], ["world", 2275], ["go", 2280], ["goest", 2280], ["went", 2280], ["business", 2299], ["look", 2319], ["looking", 2319], ["toward", 2343], ["distance", 2361], ["distancing", 2361], ["sky", 2375], ["darken", 2384], ["darkened", 2384], ["infinity", 2400], ["throat", 2413], ["swallow", 2444], ["swallows", 2444], ["swallowed", 2444], ["give", 2458], ["gives", 2458], ["feeling", 2478], ["sassenach", 2490], ["sassenachs", 2490], ["hear", 2516], 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she stood in front of him bravely , although he could feel her fingers trembling in his hand . he leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the forehead . `` you 're more loyal than he is , '' damien said . `` but you feel the calling too , do n't you ? '' katherine nodded , a sob escaping her throat . `` you both feel it ? '' the question was directed at kyle . `` y-yes , '' kyle said . `` ever since she became ready to mate . i did n't want to tell you because i know- '' `` it 's alright , '' damien said kindly . and the past few days have seen too much blood on my hands already . '' `` will we ... will we have to leave the pack ? '' katherine asked , choking back her tears . damien reached out and wiped the tears from her cheek gently . `` i wo n't leave her , '' kyle said . `` you do n't have to , '' damien said , clearing his throat . `` lucky for you , i 've found my mate as well . '' `` not-the girl at the lake ? '' `` so you 'll let me stay with katherine ? '' all of the fight had gone out of his voice , and he stepped forward meekly . `` you have my blessing , '' damien said , waiting while katherine threw herself into kyle 's embrace . then he spoke louder and more firmly . `` but if you disobey me again , fur will fly . `` yes , sir , '' kyle said . `` we have a lot to do in the coming weeks , '' damien said . `` i 've bought a place here and we 'll need to make it livable . you two wo n't let your love get in the way of work , i hope . '' `` no , of course not , '' katherine said , breathless with happiness . damien could hear the smile in her voice , and he had to struggle not to grin himself . young love was wonderful to behold . `` then take the rest of the night off , '' damien said . `` we start settling down tomorrow . '' before they could say anything else , he turned and walked back toward the hotel parking lot . tomorrow he would begin his life with julia . his mate , his one true love . chapter seventeen julia the next morning julia spent an extra ten minutes putting on a dress and tying her hair back , trying to tame the frizz . granny dee caught her for breakfast with the guests , and by the time she had extricated herself from the dining room table and gone out to the field , damien was waiting for her . she did n't see him until she was close , and when she caught the sight of his figure leaning against the tree , she started back with a gasp . `` if this shape frightens you now , i do n't know what you 'll do when i have to shift , '' damien said with a grin , his glasses masking his eyes . julia ran the few steps to him and threw her arms around his neck . he caught her up in a hug , swinging her around before setting her gently back on the ground . she laughed with happiness , something she had n't done in a long , long while . `` you 'd better be careful , '' damien said , pulling back with a wary expression . julia said , arching her eyebrow . `` a beautiful young girl out alone in the middle of the forest ... '' damien said . he brought his hands up and cupped her cheeks , framing her face . julia 's lips turned up in a half-smile . `` dangerous for me to be out here , is it ? '' `` so far away from grandmother 's house ? '' damien said , in mock solemnity . `` why , who knows what kinds of creatures you might encounter in the woods ? '' he let his hands drop to her waist , and julia let out a gasp as he pulled her close into a kiss . her hands came up to his shoulders , but she did n't want to push him away . `` you mean a creature like you ? '' damien teased . `` you 're not afraid of the big bad wolf ? '' `` oh my , '' julia said , playing along , `` what large arms you have ! '' her hands smoothed the fabric over his muscles . his skin was emanating heat and her body instinctively drew closer to him . `` all the better to hold you with , my dear , '' damien said , pulling her against his chest . he grinned , his teeth gleaming in the light of dawn . `` what great white teeth you have ! '' julia said , tilting her head back . `` the better to nibble you with , my dear , '' damien said , pretending to snap at her neck . julia held up her hands in mock surrender , looking up into his face . she reached up and took off his glasses .	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she should have been able to think the phrase without tacking on that ugly little conjunction . what they had right now was not what she wanted . and if the rules of the game were always going to stay this way , she just did n't know if she even wanted to play . what kind of match was she for daniel ? what kind of match was he for her ? if he 'd been drawn to other girls ... at some point he must have wondered , too . could someone else give them each a more level playing eld ? when daniel kissed her , luce knew in her bones that he was her past . folded into his embrace , she was desperate for him to remain her present . but the second their lips parted , she could n't really be sure he was her future . she needed the freedom to make that decision one way or the other . she did n't even know what else was out there . `` miles , '' steven called . he was fully back in teacher mode , sheathing his sword in a narrow black leather case and nodding to the northwest corner of the deck . `` you 'll match with roland over here . '' on her left , miles leaned in to whisper , `` you and roland go back a ways -- what 's his achilles heel ? i am not going to lose to the new kid . '' i do n't really ... '' luce 's mind went blank . looking over at roland , whose mask already covered his face , she realized how very little she really knew about him . other than his catalog of black-market goods . and his harmonica playing . and the way he 'd made daniel laugh so hard that rst day at sword and cross . she 'd still never found out what they 'd been talking about ... or what roland was really doing at shoreline anyway . when it came to mr. sparks , luce was de nitely in the dark . miles patted her knee . `` luce , i was kidding . there 's no way that guy 's not going to kick my ass . '' francesca had moved to the other side of the deck , near the entrance to the lodge , and was sipping a bottle of water . `` kristy and millicent , take this corner , '' she told two nephilim girls with pigtails and matching black sneakers . `` shelby and dawn , come match right here . '' she gestured to the corner of the deck directly in front of luce . `` the rest of you will watch . '' luce was relieved her own name had n't been called . the more she saw of francesca and steven 's teaching method , the less she understood it . one intimidating demonstration took the place of any real instruction . not watch and learn , but straight to watch and excel . as the rst six students took their places on the deck , luce felt huge pressure to pick up the entire art of fencing right away . shelby bellowed , lunging backward into a squat with the tip of her sword just inches from dawn , whose sword was still sheathed . dawn 's ngers were zigzagging through her short black hair , pinning sections of it back with a brimming handful of butter y clips . `` you ca n't en-garde me while i 'm prepping for battle , shelby ! '' her high voice got even higher when she was frustrated . `` what were you , raised by wolves ? '' she hu ed through the last plastic barrette between her teeth . `` okay , '' she said , drawing her sword . shelby , who had been holding her deep lunge throughout dawn 's primp session , now straightened up and looked down at her rough nail beds . `` wait , do i have time for a manicure ? '' she said , psyching dawn out just long enough to allow her to drop into an o ensive stance and swing her sword around . `` how uncouth ! '' dawn barked , but to luce 's surprise , she instantly ratcheted up her swordsmanship , swishing her blade skillfully through the air and knocking shelby 's aside . dawn was a fencing badass . next to luce , jasmine was doubled over laughing . `` a match made in hell . '' a smile had crept onto luce 's face , too , because she 'd never met anyone as unshakably upbeat as dawn . at rst , luce had suspected phoniness , a fa ? ade -- where luce came from , the south , that always-happy bit would n't have been real . but luce had been impressed by how quickly dawn rebounded after that day on the yacht . dawn 's optimism seemed to know no limits . by now , it was hard for luce to be around the girl without chuckling . and it was especially hard when dawn was focusing her girly cheer on beating the crap out of someone as bleakly opposite as shelby .	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rand had promised to figure out a way to stream video of the ceremony through her computer tonight so she could `` see '' mitch marry rhett 's aunt-a woman nadia had never even met . i 'm nadia kincaid . '' `` i thought i recognized you from your picture in a tabloid i found this morning . '' nadia fought the urge to shift in her chair . people were strange . she was no celebrity , but she 'd been asked for her autograph before . it was a little weird , a little embarrassing , but it would n't cost her anything but time ... of which she had a surplus since she was still avoiding lucas until the last possible moment tonight . `` i 'm hoping you can . because you see ... '' the woman looked over each shoulder and leaned closer . `` i read that rag before i recycled it . '' was she going to get thrown out ? and what crazy story had the tabloid `` reporters '' fabricated this time ? she had n't given them any ammunition to crucify her with lately . `` i 'm mary branch , the head librarian here . the article says you orchestrated a fund-raiser for premature babies last spring in miami and raised a record-breaking amount . '' tension relaxed its grip on nadia 's muscles and pride filled her with warmth . she 'd donated her time and her expertise at finding unusual , hard-to-get items for the auction because some preterm babies stood a chance . hers never had . `` our library fund-raiser chair stepped down unexpectedly this morning . since i saw you in here yesterday and again today , i 'm hoping you 'll be in dallas long enough to give us a few pointers ... or whatever expertise you can spare . we 're floundering without a leader . it 's too late to cancel the event , not that we can afford to . the fund-raiser supports most of our programs throughout the year . '' since finding creative solutions to problems was her thing , nadia could n't help but be intrigued . `` when is your event ? '' three weeks and they were a ship without a captain ? `` how much is left to be done ? '' i have sue lynn 's notes in my office . i could show them to you . if you 're interested in the job , that is . '' how many times would her father 's stupid last requests come back to bite her ? `` i 'd really love to help you in any way i can . but i ca n't accept paid employment because i 'm on a leave of absence from my other job . however , i can volunteer my time . '' `` your generosity warms my heart , honey . it 's an absolute miracle to find someone with your expertise at such short notice . would you like to take a look at those books ? '' nadia rose , a sense of purpose energizing her as she gathered her belongings . the offer was the answer to her prayers . helping with the fund-raiser would relieve her boredom and give her a legitimate reason to be out of the apartment and avoid lucas stone . but most of all , it would give her a really good reason to stay in dallas and something to think about besides her risen-from-the-dead husband-and the very good chance she would fail her brothers . six `` i do n't care how hard it is to get , '' lucas told his lawyer over the phone . `` i want a copy of everett kincaid 's will . obtain it by any means necessary short of breaking in and stealing it . '' a knock on his door surprised him . it could n't be anyone else . security had buzzed him the minute she 'd entered the express elevator . that she was seeking him out this time instead of making him hunt her down accelerated his heart rate and sent anticipation surging through him . call me when you have what i need . '' last night 's kiss had made him more determined than ever to get his wife back in his bed . he 'd tasted it on her lips , felt it in the melting of her body against his and the way her pulse had fluttered beneath his thumb . that 's why he 'd had her followed this morning . he 'd needed to know where she was going and who she was seeing . he did n't play for keeps , but neither did he share his women when he was in a relationship . he dropped the portable phone on the table , crossed the living room and opened his door . nadia 's flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes took his breath . her wide , blinding smile nearly knocked him off his feet . his behind-the-scenes maneuvering must have paid off . he made an effort to mask his satisfaction . `` i thought you said you could n't work because of the will . '' `` it 's not a paying position . i 'm volunteering to help with the library fund-raiser . their chairwoman quit unexpectedly . '' a free 'round-the-world cruise on mardi gras 's most luxurious ship would do that to some people . `` she left them in the lurch and in a bind .	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micahs mood had improved dramatically since the ceremony , and katja hoped that maybe he could actually get over greta after all . they continued to spend evenings together , walking around neustadt taking in live music , or staying home watching tv . one evening pretty woman , the 1990s movie starring julia roberts and richard gere , came on . katja opened a bag of chips and poured them each a glass of coke for the occasion . this is such a great movie , she said . micah wrinkled his brow . isnt it about a prostitute who falls in love with a rich guy ? katja nearly choked on a chip . she washed it down with the cola , and the bubbles burned up her nose . the rich guy fell in love with the prostitute . she collapsed on the opposite end of the sofa , her face burning . was that how micah saw her ? did he still see her as a prostitute ? even though she never even did anything ? she felt his eyes sear her . again , it was like he could read her mind . if id paid you ? hed forgotten that he had paid her . he just didnt get anything for his money . but would you have ? you have no idea what its like to be starving and cold and alone . she felt the sofa shimmy as micah moved closer . he traced her chin with his finger , forcing her to look at him . its never just sex , katja , he said . katja pinched her eyes shut and turned away . she wished she hadnt gone out that night . if it hadnt been for irma . but no , she couldnt blame her . she could only blame her own weakness . she was no better than any of those girls on the street . i want you to know how valuable you are . he slid to the floor in front of her , forcing her to look at him . your body , your mind , your spirit . you are important , all of you , and priceless . dont sell yourself short , katja . theres not enough money in the world that could buy you . her throat grew so dry , she could barely swallow . why did he even care about her at all ? micah sat back on the sofa beside her , so close they were touching . his legs pressed against hers . he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her gently on the forehead . it was the first time hed shown her any kind of physical affection . the first time his lips touched her skin . she relished the pleasure it brought her . lets watch this movie . katja bit her lip , fighting against the electricity his closeness had triggered . it came out in a husky moan . micahs eyebrows jumped . we dont want to watch these two beautiful people fall in love ? no , katja said adamantly . if she watched edward and vivian go at it on screen thered be no stopping her from attacking micah right there on the sofa . hed warmed up to her , but he wasnt ready for that . theres another one on , where people shoot aliens and drive space ships , she said , reaching for the remote . ah , i agree . when katja started working at the caf , renata had requested she wear black dress pants and a white shirt under the coffee shop-issued apron , and shed found just what she needed at the second hand shop . she discovered , of course , that she needed more than one set , so had been back since to buy more . she selected a clean set , got dressed and ready and now found that she still had an hour to burn before her shift began . katja collected her guitar , warmed up her fingers on a blues scale , then opened up her notebook . an idea had been percolating , and she scribbled out some lyrics . its all in how you look at it , she said as if there were a hundred ways to walk a high wire go on and try to let it go close your eyes and let your heart rule your head sometimes how deep can you feel ? yes , this was about micah . all her lyric ideas were about micah these days . and her mass of mixed-up emotions concerning him . why did she steer him away last night ? he wanted to watch a sappy romance with her , and she pushed for the dry , science-fiction flick . did she want to be more than friends with micah or not ? she accused him of holding back , but she was equally to blame . deep down she knew the truth . she wasnt worthy of him . he might not know it yet , but hed figure it out one day , and then hed send her packing . a flare of anguish shot through her being at that thought . how would she cope with the real thing , when the imagined scenario caused so much pain ? she jotted down a few more lines and worked on some new melodies . time passed quickly , and before she knew it , an hour was up already . she tossed her notepad aside , grabbed what she needed for work and rushed to get out the door .	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that 's where the difference is . men just are n't as interested in wedding stuff as women are , so the mother of the groom does n't have the same reason to be involved . i do n't know , sam said slowly , his mind racing around trying to find a way to steer the conversation without being obvious . i saw a show about two gay men getting married , and they seemed to be into all the details . well , that does n't count , does it ? mom wrinkled her nose . that hardly applies in our family . i do n't even know any gays . i do n't know how you can say that . there were at least two gay men at that reception . including him , and he felt like even in this oblique way he needed to include himself . mom stared at him . what ... who are you talking about ? one of the groomsmen had hardly been subtle about it . had the signs really slid past mom ? i 'm not going to out anybody , but trust me , you know lgbt people . well , i 'm just as glad if they keep themselves to themselves . and i do n't want you hanging around people like that . anyway , the wedding was lovely and nothing spoiled it . here , is your tea steeped ? give me your mug and i 'll toss the teabag out for you . sam handed over his cup and watched uncertainly as his mother pulled out the bags from both his and hers , carefully placing them into the trash where the heat would n't melt the plastic bag . she was fussing a bit , wiping the rims with a paper towel . had he gone too near the bone already ? did she suspect something ? but she gave him his mug back with a fond look . now drink that and we should all go to bed . thank heavens tomorrow is sunday . sam sipped the mint tea , hoping it would settle his jittery stomach . he still could n't decide whether this was an opportune moment , or a really stupid idea hatched out of stress , emotions and sleep deprivation . speak up/stay quiet , come out/keep that comfortable closet ? except the closet was so far from comfortable that the last bit was ludicrous . which answered that question . mom , can i ask you something ? ' at the last moment , he chickened out again . at least , most of the way . did you ever wish you had a son ? instead of just girls ? i 've loved having girls . a son would ... carry on the family name . but linda had taken her new husband 's name . maybe it would be a bribe ? your dad might like that . but really , i just want some grandchildren . damn , not a good direction to go . i really wish i was a boy . finally , he 'd gotten that much out . mom said , i guess most women do , now and then . that sounded casual , but with his eyes closed , sam could hear the tension in her voice that told him mom also knew this was more than a simple bitchfest about the downsides to being a girl . not now and then . oh , sarah , you do n't mean that . the hell i do n't ! i hate being me . i 've never liked being a girl . remember when i was a kid , you ironed on transfers of trucks and trains on my purple t-shirts , because i loved purple but i needed them to have guy stuff on them ? it was a favorite memory , something mom had done that made him feel warm inside , looking back . but she stared at him with wide eyes . you liked cars . some girls do . that was n't about being a boy . that was about just liking trucks . no , mom , it was n't . remember how you had to tell me my christmas dress was a shirt when i was two , and let me wear pants under it , to get me into it at all ? mom had told that story a dozen times , with a little laugh at sam 's stubbornness . he was drowning , grabbing out for a lifeline . i 'm still me , in most ways . but not the girl parts . they 've never felt right . inside , i 'm a boy , not a girl . you 've had crushes on boys . you like boys to notice you . you 've never once said a girl was cute , or talked about actresses on tv . i do n't like girls . i do like boys . but i 'm not a girl , i 'm a gay guy . i like boys that way , two guys together . sam 's breath came short and tight , rasping through his throat , burning it like acid . he blinked hard , and waited . mom shook her head slowly , back and forth . that 's just ... sick . mom , it 's not sick . it 's one person in twenty . maybe one in ten , who likes something other than straight boy-girl stuff . we have gay friends . gay relatives .	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`` i would never hurt you on purpose , maddy . did you think that i would ? '' i thought you were a different kind of person . i thought you were a bully and i seriously hate bullies . '' gabe lets that sink in . `` pax told me a little bit about your father . is that why you hate bullies so much ? '' i freeze , my hand unmoving on gabriel 's chest . i ca n't believe that pax would tell someone . i 'm not mad , just taken aback . it 's not something any of us talk about . i have a brief flash of my father 's fist hovering above my mother 's face , droplets of blood on her dress , and i force the taste of fear out of my mouth . even the memory of fear tastes bad . `` i guess , '' i finally answer . but he had an anger problem . '' gabe 's question is hesitant , yet his words are strong . he sounds pissed , but like he 's reining it in . my heart squeezes in my chest and i do n't want to answer . i do n't want to admit it out loud , but at the same time i do n't want to lie . not to gabe . but once was enough . '' it 's enough that i close my eyes and stilt my words and it 's very obvious that i do n't want to talk about it . gabe takes the hint and holds me closer , his strong arms incredibly gentle . `` it 's ok. you do n't have to tell me about it . i 'm not like that , maddy . i wo n't ever hit you . i relax now , letting my body soften against his . `` i know , '' i tell him honestly . i was more worried that you would be controlling like him , violent when you 're angry . i ca n't take that kind of man . but that 's not you . he does n't ask why i would think that and i 'm grateful . because then i do n't have to explain that i search for my father 's traits in every man . i do n't have to explain how it makes me weak , how always being afraid of those traits gives me a vulnerability . a vulnerability that i do n't want . i close my eyes again , reveling in the comfort that gabe brings me , surprised by it , actually . i never expected to find someone who affects me the way gabriel does . it 's like an unexpected gift . gabe seems tense though , his body stiff , and i figure it 's because i scared the shit out of him by talking about my feelings ... by sharing some of my past with him . i gently shake him . `` it 's all right , '' i tell him softly , teasingly . `` i 'm done talking about deep stuff . i just wanted you to know that i misjudged you and that i 'm sorry for it . '' he relaxes , his hard body slumping against me . everyone judges people when they meet them . it only takes me a couple of seconds to respond to that . gabe thinks about it for a minute . `` i thought you were drop-dead fking gorgeous and i could n't figure out why you wanted to go home with me . you did n't seem like the kind of girl for a one-night stand . but i thanked god for my good fortune anyway . '' i 'm ok with that answer . it 's not deep , but it 's such a man answer . `` i 'm not the kind of girl for a one-night stand , '' i admit . `` that was your sister 's idea . she thought i needed to hook up and blow off some stress . but i met you instead . and that might 've been a really good thing . i 'm not trying to get serious or anything so do n't get worked up , but what are we doing here , gabe ? you and i have been playing cat and mouse since we first saw each other . but i 'm tired of playing games . '' he 's quiet for a second , then bends to press a kiss on the top of my head . `` this is you and me , madison . we might be fked up in some ways , but like jacey says , we 're good people . i nod and count his breaths , then listen to his heartbeat for a while . i count the steady beats and while i do , i ca n't help but ponder how everyone has issues . some are more horrible than others , and so often , people just walk around with their painful secrets buried deep down inside because they are so ashamed of them . just when i 'm almost asleep , i ask one last question . `` is everyone in the world broken , gabriel ? '' even to my own ears , my whisper itself sounds broken in the velvety night .	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she threw herself into that kiss like she 'd thrown herself into everything she 'd done in the two months she 'd been in last chance . fingers roamed up over his scalp , sending hot tingles down his spine ; her tongue teased his and then danced away right before she thrust it back . blood pounded in his ears and other places . damn , she was as hot as t-bone 's chili special . a man with his weaknesses could never stand up against something like this . savannah was all over him , and he was n't about to sit there like a lump . or push her away . not when she unleashed this torrent of longing and lust that he 'd been battling for so long . but she needed a bath . which of course sent his mind racing in all sorts of directions that involved her nakd in lots of water . with soap . for low-down dirty sex , his fantasy was surprisingly clean . `` okay , '' he murmured against her sooty cheek . `` let 's go ? to a no-tell motel for discreet , but hot and dirty sex ? '' there was an impish grin on her face , and those dark eyes of hers were lit up with starlight . she wanted her bad-boy fix . and he wanted his savannah fix . `` are n't you even sorry about the fire ? '' he asked , his voice cracking like a teenager 's . and he hated himself for bringing up the topic . although maybe , he 'd just managed to get himself out of a really dangerous situation . `` i 'm heartbroken . and i 'm also kind of pissed off , to tell you the truth . '' `` pissed off ? '' `` yeah , at myself . '' she pulled back and looked right up in his eyes . `` i should have taken your advice . but i had to do everything myself . and i do n't know squat about anything , except maybe cooking strudel . '' why the hell had he brought up the fire anyway ? `` uh , there are other things you 're good at . '' and you sure can kiss , princess . and you 're a pretty terrific screamer when it comes to snakes . '' that 's not very impressive . '' you can cook more than strudel , you 're kind to aunt mim , everyone in town loves you . and you used to make your grandfather 's eyes light up . i used to be so jealous of that . '' bringing the kismet back to life is n't ever going to bring him back . '' and his heart swelled up and lodged in his throat . her breath heated his chest through the fabric of his shirt . `` yeah , we 've established that . can we do something about it or are we just going to sit here arguing with one another about who loved granddaddy more ? '' `` you think he would approve of this ? '' she raised her head and stared at him , the connection between them stronger than ever . `` i know he wanted us to be friends . '' `` this is a lot more than that . this is dangerous , princess . you do n't even know how dangerous it is . '' she was n't listening to him , as usual , because she leaned forward and kissed him again . this kiss was demanding and wicked and not at all the kind of kiss a princess would unleash on anyone . good lord , that woman had a talent for dirty , sexy kissing . and then she dropped her sweet little hand to his thigh and started walking her fingers up to his crotch . well , of course he had to retaliate . so he cupped her breast . it was just the right size , and her n*ples were straining against her t-shirt . he ran his thumb over one of them , and she growled . a flush of lust came at him like a big , fat , floating curveball right over the plate . a man like him had no defense for something like that . he had to take a swing at it . the orangeburg motor lodge looked like any motel you might find by the side of an interstate . in this case , the two-story stucco building stood right at the intersection of i-26 and route 301 , about twenty-five miles northeast of last chance and smack-dab in the middle of the route between columbia and charleston . yessir , this jumping-off place in the middle of nowhere could n't have been more anonymous if it tried . maybe that 's why the proprietors had erected a giant sign for passing motorists that proclaimed a room rate of only fifty dollars a night . and for that you got a small swimming pool , cable television , and a continental breakfast in the bargain . dash procured the room key , no doubt paying cash for it , and he drove his cadillac around to the back of the building , away from the access road . he killed the engine and set the brake . he turned his hip into the seat , and for the first time in the last forty-five minutes , he looked her right in the eye . `` honey , are you sure about this ? 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hugging her legs even tighter for warmth , jane stared through the dimness at the broad , powerful shoulders outlined against the gray curtain of rain . he was n't an easy man to get to know . his personality was as shadowy as the jungle , yet just the sight of that muscular back made her feel safe and protected . she knew that he stood between her and any danger . he had already risked his life for her on more than one occasion , and was as matter-of-fact about it as if being shot at were an everyday occurrence . perhaps it was for him , but jane did n't take it so lightly . he finished his cigarette and field-stripped it . jane doubted that anyone would track them here through the rain , but it was second nature to him to be cautious . he went back to his calm perusal of the storm , standing guard while she rested . something shifted inside her and coiled painfully in her chest . he was a hard , lonely man , but everything about him drew her like a magnet , pulling at her heart and body . her eyes clouded as she watched him . `` when this was over he 'd walk away from her as if these days in the jungle had never existed . this was all routine for him . what she could have of him , all that she could ever have of him , was the present , too few days before this was over . and that just was n't enough . she was cold now , chilled to her bones . the unceasing , impenetrable curtain of rain carried a damp coldness with it , and her own spirits chilled her from the inside . instinctively , like a sinuous cat seeking heat , she uncoiled from the tarp and went up to him , gravitating to his certain warmth and comfort . silently she slid her arms around his taut waist and pressed her face into the marvelous heat of his chest . glancing down at her , he lifted an eyebrow in mild inquiry . `` i 'm cold , '' she muttered , leaning her head on him and staring pensively at the rain . he looped his arm around her shoulder , holding her closer to him and sharing his warmth with her . a shiver ran over her ; he rubbed his free hand up her bare arm , feeling the coolness of her skin . of its own accord his hand continued upward , stroking her satiny jaw , smoothing the dark tangle of hair away from her face . she was in a melancholy mood , this funny little cat , staring at the rain as if it would never stop , her eyes shadowed and that full , passionate mouth sad . cupping her chin in his hand , he tilted her face up so he could study her quiet expression . a small smile curved the corners of his hard mouth . rain making you feel blue ? '' before she could answer , he bent his head and kissed her , using his own cure . jane 's hands went to his shoulders , clinging to him for support . his mouth was hard and demanding and oh so sweet . the taste of him , the feel of him , was just what she wanted . her teeth parted , allowing the slow probing of his tongue . deep inside her , fire began to curl , and she curled too , twining against him in an unconscious movement that he read immediately . lifting his mouth from hers just a little , he muttered , `` honey , this feels like an offer to me . '' her dark eyes were a little dazed as she looked up at him . `` i think it is , '' she whispered . he dropped his arms to her waist and wrapped them around her , lifting her off her feet , bringing her level with him . she wound her arms around his neck and kissed him fervently , lost in the taste and feel of his mouth , not even aware he 'd moved until he set her down to stand on the tarp . the dimness at the back of the cave hid any expression that was in his eyes , but she could feel his intent amber gaze on her as he began calmly unbuttoning her shirt . jane 's mouth went dry , but her own shaking fingers moved to his chest and began opening his shirt in turn . when both garments were hanging open , he shrugged out of his and tossed it on the tarp , never taking his eyes from her . tugging his undershirt free of his pants , he caught the bottom of it and peeled it off over his head . he tossed it aside , too , completely baring his broad , hairy chest . as it had the day before , the sight of his half-naked body mesmerized her . her chest hurt ; breathing was incredibly difficult . then his hard , hot fingers were inside her shirt , on her breasts , molding them to fit his palms . the contrast of his heated hands on her cool skin made her gasp in shocked pleasure . closing her eyes , she leaned into his hands , rubbing her nipples against his calloused palms . his chest lifted on a deep , shuddering breath . she could feel the sexual tension emanating from him in waves .	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and went up there , too . '' she pointed at the ceiling , which i took to mean tina lived in the apartment over the clip and curl . `` she was n't there . ' `` `` no note ? no message ? '' `` you know she lived with her gramma , who died last year . '' i nearly said , `` how would i know that ? '' before i remembered . popular high school prima donnas believed everyone knew everything about them and cared . i nodded sagely and scribbled `` blah , blah , blah '' in my notebook . `` her boyfriend is on the road , '' lucy continued . `` he 's a trucker . karl baldwin , remember him ? he was the quarterback . '' i did n't know karl baldwin from karl marx . i had n't had much occasion to attend football games in high school . `` could tina have gone with him or met him somewhere ? little vacation ? '' lucy was already shaking her head . `` i called karl on his cell . he has n't heard from her , either . '' this was not going as well as i 'd hoped . i 'll check into it . let me know if you hear from her . '' i handed lucy my card . `` do you have the key to her place ? '' `` and i found hers when i was in the apartment . '' `` her keys were there , but she was n't ? '' `` still in the lot . '' `` her purse ? '' in my experience , you have to pry a woman 's purse out of her cold , dead fingers . women never left home without them . i could tell from lucy 's expression she was having the same thought . she put the ring of keys into my hand and turned away blinking back tears . i stepped outside , planning to go directly to tina 's and see what was up . but someone bumped into me , and when i turned around , all i saw was the gun . i grabbed the rifle right out of the guy 's hands . he tried to get it back , but i shoved him with one firm hand on his chest . i nearly passed out from the beer fumes , but i managed to stay upright and keep him from snatching the gun . jerry uber was n't the brightest star in the sky . his shaved head only proved my point . jerry did n't have the smoothest noggin or the best skin . right now he looked like a lumpy egg with diaper rash . `` you ca n't carry a rifle without a case in the middle of town , jerry . `` how am i gon na shoot rabid wolves if my gun 's in the case ? '' i put my finger in my ear and jiggled it . `` me and the other men . '' his beer belly went with it . `` we 're gon na do what you cops have n't . '' only the gun-toting citizens remained . vigilantes . i hated these guys . `` yeah , well you 're gon na have a tough time without your gun . '' i headed for my car . jerry danced around behind me as if the beer he 'd already drunk today needed to be released right now . maybe i 'd get lucky and he 'd relieve himself on the street . then i could arrest him and there 'd be one less drunken idiot in the woods . `` thass my gun . i unloaded the thing and pocketed the bullets , then laid it on the passenger seat of my car . `` you can pick it up from zee when you 're sober . bring along your case . '' he shook his head and put up his hands . `` aw , jessie . you know , she scares the crap out of me . '' `` you , me , and everyone else in town . that 's why she 's in charge of the guns . '' since jerry and i had had dealings before , he did n't argue . no doubt to get another gun . i picked up my radio , not bothering to give my call sign , since i was n't technically working . `` i need to talk to clyde right now . '' the voice was new - young , hopeful . `` yeah , find him . tell him we 've got armed citizens all over town and the tourists are leaving . '' i spent the next hour confiscating weapons . when my car was full and my pockets weighted with bullets , i drove to the station . i knew i was fighting a losing battle . these guys all had more guns . they 'd be out in the woods come nightfall . someone was going to get shot . i could only hope that that someone was n't me . clyde had never materialized , which was strange . for all his minor annoyances , he had always been on top of things . no mandenauer , either . not so strange - considering the source .	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`` not robbing me ? '' she turned then , and the ice , which had been cracked , was officially broken . `` i did n't take a thing , did i ? '' he returned , all innocence . `` you stole a kiss . '' `` that , '' he said , leaning forward with great cheek , `` was freely given . '' `` mr. audley ... '' `` i do wish you 'd call me jack , '' he sighed . `` mr. audley , '' she said again . `` i did not - `` she looked quickly about , then lowered her voice to an urgent whisper . `` i did not ... do ... what you said i did . '' `` when did 'kiss ' become such a dangerous word ? '' she clamped her lips together because truly there was no way she would gain the upper hand in this conversation . `` i sha n't torment you . '' it would have been a kind and generous statement if he had n't followed it with : `` today . '' but even then , she smiled . it was difficult not to , in his presence . they were in the upper hall now , and grace turned toward the family apartments where he would be staying . they moved along in silence , giving her ample time to consider the gentleman beside her . she did not care what he 'd said about not completing university . he was extremely intelligent , unique vocabulary notwithstanding . and there was no arguing against his charm . there was no reason he should not be gainfully employed . she could not ask him why he was robbing coaches , however . it was far too forward on so short an acquaintance . it was ironic , that . who would have thought she 'd be worried about manners and propriety with a thief ? `` this way , '' she said , motioning for him to follow her to the left . `` who sleeps down there ? '' mr. audley asked , peering in the opposite direction . `` his grace . '' `` ah , '' he said darkly . `` he is a good man , '' grace said , feeling she must speak up for him . if thomas had not behaved as he ought , it was certainly understandable . from the day of his birth , he 'd been raised to be the duke of wyndham . and now , with the flimsiest of fate twists , he 'd been informed that he might be nothing more than plain mr. cavendish . if mr. audley had had a rough day , well then , surely thomas 's was worse . `` you admire the duke , '' mr. audley stated . grace could n't quite tell if this was a question ; she did n't think so . but either way , his tone was dry , as if he thought she was somewhat naive for doing so . `` he is a good man , '' she repeated firmly . `` you will agree with me , once you further your acquaintance . '' mr. audley let out an amused little puff of breath . `` you sound like a servant now , starched and prim and properly loyal . '' she scowled at him , but he clearly did not care , because he was already grinning and saying , `` are you going to defend the dowager next ? i should like to hear you do it , because i 'm most curious as to how , exactly , one would attempt such a feat . '' grace could not imagine that he might actually expect her to reply . she turned , though , so he could not see her smile . `` i could not manage it myself , '' he continued , `` and i 'm told i have a most silver tongue . '' he leaned forward , as if imparting a grave secret . `` it 's the irish in me . '' `` you 're a cavendish , '' she pointed out . and then he added , `` thank god . '' `` they 're not so bad . '' `` they 're not so bad ? that 's your rousing defense ? '' and then heaven help her , she could not think of a single good thing to say except , `` the dowager would give her life for the family . '' `` pity she has not done so already . '' grace shot him a startled look . `` you sound just like the duke . '' `` yes , i 'd noticed they had a warm and loving relationship . '' `` here we are , '' grace said , pushing open the door to his chamber . she stepped back then . it could not be proper for her to accompany him into his room . five years she 'd been at belgrave , and she 'd never once stepped foot inside thomas 's chambers . she might not have much in this world , but she had her self-respect , and her reputation , and she planned to keep a firm hold on both . mr. audley peeked in . `` how very blue , '' he remarked . `` and silken . '' `` did n't think you would .	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but he could see lily in it , up to her nose in hot water . his heart beat a little harder and his groin tightened because he suddenly saw her nak*d in the tub . he shook his head , feeling like a bastard for the turn of his thoughts . but seth could see how much she wanted that tub . he smiled and touched her gently on the cheek . `` why do n't you hop in now and i 'll get a start on supper . '' he left her to run her water , and he headed into the kitchen to see what he could rummage up for dinner . it was lucky for him he 'd gone to the market the day before so he had all the ingredients on hand for a decent meal . his dads had taught him to cook-taught all his brothers to cook-because a. his mother was hopeless in the kitchen and b. his dads lived by one truth : women should be cherished and protected , and there was n't a woman more loved or cherished than holly colter . maybe that 's where the overwhelming protective urge he felt when he first saw lily came from . no , he felt a certain obligation to any woman in need , but it was different with lily . he could n't explain it-in truth he was utterly baffled by it-but he did n't fight it . after browning the boneless pork chops in the pan , he put together the casserole and then popped it into the oven . it was n't exactly cordon bleu , but pork chop casserole was great comfort food , and lily looked like she needed comfort most of all . he set the timer and then his cell phone rang . the ringtone signaled it was someone from the colter household . probably his mom . with a smile , he dug his phone out and said hello . `` hi sweetie . '' his mom 's voice , filled with warmth and love , came over the line . it was a natural reaction around her . he did n't know of anyone who did n't do the same when she spoke to them . i 'm more interested in hearing how you are . you have n't called in a while . '' there was gentle reproach in her voice that he did n't miss . guilt made him cringe . `` have n't had much to say . '' my shoulder hardly bothers me anymore . i have a psych evaluation next week , and as long as i do n't froth at the mouth i should be cleared for work . '' `` you should come visit before you go back to work , seth . we do n't see enough of you anymore . after you go back to work , you 'll never make it over . '' how are the dads ? '' she sighed but allowed him to change the subject . `` they 're as good as ever . ethan is in town helping your brother do some repairs on the pub . they had trouble last night . '' is dillon all right ? '' `` oh , he 's fine . just a bunch of drunk college kids . broke out a window . lacey locked them up and they spent the night in jail . '' life in clyde . `` adam and ryan are here . did you want to speak to them ? '' though it was voiced as a seemingly innocent question , it was anything but . it was a command , and one he did n't dare ignore . his mom was about the sweetest woman on earth , but she was also a tyrant when it came to her family . `` sure , put one of them on . '' seth sighed and waited . `` son , how are you doing ? '' adam colters ' voice , as gruff as ever , came over the line , and seth smiled . damn but it was good to hear their voices . his mom was right . he did n't call often enough . is mom doing okay ? '' `` it 's not your mother you need to be worried about . '' `` what 's she on your asses about now ? '' `` you , '' adam said bluntly . `` you know , if you 'd just come see her , our lives might go back to being peaceful . '' `` is it my fault you married a tyrant ? '' `` do n't sass me , boy , '' adam growled . `` i can still whip your ass . '' seth laughed again and felt the tightness in his chest ease . a tightness he had n't realized he 'd carried around so much lately . `` how is everyone else ? how is michael 's practice doing ? '' he 's busier than a one-armed paper hanger . your mother stays after him about sleeping enough . ryan and ethan and i keep telling her that the only way the boy is going to make a success of his practice is if he gets out there where the animals are . you know your mother , though . she 's only concerned that he 's eating and resting . '' `` yeah , i hear you on that , '' seth said in amusement .	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both dominic and jake had warned him about her , but their warning had come one day too late . his heart beat double time as he remembered their first meeting . with her long , wild auburn hair , deep emerald eyes , and athletically tight body , she had easily been the most striking and beautiful woman at jake 's engagement party . he should have known from the way her attention had riveted on him that she had had an ulterior motive . the smile had come to her lips too easily . the flirting looks had been too blatant . still , he 'd been unable to resist the lure . he 'd deserved every critical word she 'd written about him in her report to dominic . that night he had , indeed , been weak and easily distracted . he 'd wanted her with an intensity he 'd never felt before . like an ocean siren , she 'd called , and he 'd followed-leaving his duties unattended , something he 'd never done in all the time he 'd worked for dominic . dominic 's reaction had come in the form of a simple warning . `` stay away from alethea . jake had given him similar instructions : steer clear of the wreckage that would follow any personal entanglement with alethea . he 'd done as they 'd asked because , although he 'd spent many nights remembering the one hot kiss he 'd shared with her , his loyalty was to the men who had given him a chance when the rest of the world had turned their backs on him . no woman , not even one who made sex with other women less tempting , would be the reason he disappointed them again . now jake was asking him to watch alethea-closely . not something he minded doing , but something that held a risk of forgetting why nothing was possible between them . his personal feelings had to come second to his duty . he needed to find out if she was involved in the recent coding errors . to do that , he would have to breach the defenses of a woman who had once demolished his with one sultry look . how do you outsmart a woman who prides herself on outsmarting everyone else ? you play by her rules . which means there are none . he remembered the look in her eyes when she 'd seen him at the hospital . no matter how their first encounter had ended , the attraction was still mutual . i may even enjoy doing so . calling her dominated his thoughts all day , but he forced himself to wait . to win , he 'd have to choose his strategy and timing carefully . luckily , he 'd had almost a year to study his target . he 'd kept her on his radar , even when some would have said it was n't necessary . although she 'd attended fewer and fewer of the social events he 'd worked , when she had , he had n't been able to look away from her . at first he 'd tried to tell himself it was part of his job , but there was no denying the pleasure he found in watching her . alethea entered a room with purpose . when she wanted to be the center of attention , her wild red mane flew loose-like the cape of a matador flaming the passions of men even as it lured them to their doom . doom might be a bit strong . most of them left their encounter with her looking bemused . her racy choice of outfits , lingering sidelong glances , and even her light flirtatious laugh was a means of distracting her target while she gained access to whatever information she sought . she was a woman who was always in control . a woman men fawned over , instead of challenged . someone who liked to win . a devilish smile spread across his face . he knew exactly how to throw her and keep her off balance . alethea asked slowly , most likely because he 'd blocked his id . chapter five lying in bed , alethea rolled onto her back when she heard her cell phone ring and groaned . she 'd trained most of her international contacts to call her at a reasonable hour , but there were still a few who forgot now and then . she reached for her phone , placing it instantly on speaker and flopping backward against her firm pillows . like the rest of her apartment , the bed was functional without being overly comfortable . too much comfort made a person soft , vulnerable . something alethea refused to ever be again . `` hello , alethea . '' a deep male voice echoed through her dark bedroom as if its owner were there with her . alethea sat up , instantly alert . there was only one man whose voice alone could have her body humming with anticipation . `` marc , '' she said , striving for calm , glad he could n't see the way her cheeks warmed and her n**ples strained against her cotton t-shirt , a side effect of the numerous nights she 'd used his image as inspiration while she 'd pleasured herself .	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they had showered together and breakfasted together , then had driven to kimball 's estate together-well , with leo following on her bumper every mile , which sort of constituted together , since they 'd been on their cell phones the whole way-and then they 'd snuck in the back way just before dawn together . they 'd been like two teenagers who had stayed out all night when they 'd been expressly forbidden to see each other , he thought . he had n't had that much fun since he was a kid . and they had giggled like kids as they 'd tried to maintain their silence through the garden , had been forced to stop more than once so that they could enjoy another fierce , all too brief , embrace . leo had nuzzled lily 's neck as she 'd fumbled for the key to the back door , and they 'd almost tumbled to the floor once they were inside , tempted to make love one more time . instead , they had brewed a pot of coffee before mrs. kaiser , the cook , had even come in to work . then lily had gone upstairs to change into her miss rigby clothes , and leo had gone to work . work , he muttered to himself now . lying and scheming and sneaking around was more like it . man , he was a creep . pushing the thought away , he crossed silently to the writing desk that was situated exactly where halston man had said it would be . instead of being obscured by beanie babies , however , lily 's laptop was switched on and unfolded , as if she 'd been using it very recently . it hummed softly in the otherwise silent room , the screen saver dancing almost eerily . it almost seemed as if she were inviting him to investigate , he thought , heartening some , as if she had absolutely nothing to hide . he 'd brought a stack of blank diskettes with him , just in case , and set them beside the state-of-the-art laptop before thumbing the mouse and scattering the screen saver . what appeared on the screen was a list of e-mails she had evidently recently downloaded , and he was surprised by the number and variety of senders . he shrank that screen and noticed that a variety of other programs were running simultaneously , and he moved the mouse to one titled receiving , feeling sick as he did so . this was going to be too easy , he thought as the screen expanded . and lily was never going to forgive him for it . his nausea doubled , however , when he saw what he had opened . he was n't sure , at first , exactly what it was , but it appeared to be something pretty heavy duty for a social secretary to be concerned about . as he scrolled down , leo 's suspicions were confirmed . what lily had running on her laptop was a list of kimball technologies ' many suppliers , and all of the materials that were coming in that day . okay , so that was n't as heavy duty as he 'd initially thought . it was still something that should n't concern a social secretary . curious , he pulled up her e-mail again and began to scan it , opening one or two for a flagrant read . the more he read , the sicker he became . because he realized it was n't lily 's e-mail he was reading . it was schuyler kimball 's . every last item was addressed to at her softly uttered query , his entire body jerked in the biggest , most unmistakable flinch she 'd ever seen . she knew then that whatever he had been doing , it had claimed his complete and absolute attention , and that he knew full well he was n't supposed to be doing it . her heart began to pound rapidly behind her rib cage , her stomach rolled with uneasiness , and her mouth went dry enough that she had trouble asking her next , and perfectly logical , question . she had no idea where she found the strength or energy to manage it , but lily took a few steps into the room , trying to see past leo in an effort to discover what he was doing . as she approached , she noted the scattered diskettes on her desk , and in a few more steps saw what was on the computer screen . it was a record of one of dozens of bank accounts , accounts that did n't concern leo or his investigation of tax problems , or anything else having to do with kimball technologies at this point . he had n't turned around yet , had n't acknowledged her presence in any way , save that one big body flinch when she 'd spoken his name . but as she drew nearer now , he stood and turned to face her , placing himself menacingly between her and the desk , as if he were worried that she might hurry over there and try to sabotage whatever he was doing . even though she was utterly confused by his presence and his silence and the expression of profound repulsion on his face , even though she felt wary and cautious inside , she tried to smile , tried to let him know that she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt when it came to explaining himself . evidently , however , he was n't willing to extend the same courtesy to her .	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he wore a western-style hoodie , but it was thin and holes riddled the sleeves and back . `` you are sam kelly ? '' sam took a step forward . are you aamil ? '' the boy nodded solemnly . it is too open here . i 'll take you into the mountains . '' `` whoa , wait a minute , '' donovan said . the boy turned , a slight frown on his face . `` what do you know about caves around the korengal valley ? a big enough cave to house prisoners . '' aamil swallowed nervously . `` i know of a few , but they are heavily guarded . `` to hell with dangerous , '' garrett said . and cole can take them out with their hands tied behind their backs . '' `` glad you 're so confident in our abilities , '' p.j . said dryly . `` do the rest of you plan to do anything or are cole and i going in alone ? '' `` smart-ass , '' cole muttered . `` i want to question the locals , '' sam said to aamil . `` i need to know where those caves are and what kind of activity is around them . '' aamil hesitated . `` it will cost you double what we agreed upon . '' `` i do n't give a damn what it costs , '' sam growled . `` just take us there . '' `` we should go then . it 's better to travel in the dark . '' `` fall in , '' sam called softly . as they melted into the night , donovan adjusted his rifle and stared into the darkness . he hoped to hell they were n't getting jerked around . it pissed him off that this ahole emailing him obviously knew enough about nathan 's family and situation to send a fking sos email but he could n't supply more than nathan was in some cave in korengal valley ? it did n't make any goddamn sense . why not be more specific ? and if he knew so damn much about nathan and had obviously talked to him , why was n't he doing more to help than just sending an email ? for that matter , how the hell did he have the ability to send an email from here ? he 'd obviously talked to nathan . either he was one of the aholes holding nathan captive and was helping him on the sly or ... or the entire thing was a damn setup . the more he thought about the situation , the more he did n't like it . now the entire kgi organization was on the ground in afghanistan . in the most dangerous area . no help from resnick . no way to guarantee that any of them would get back home . donovan glanced over at his brothers . they had no business coming on this mission . they had wives . garrett had a fiancee . sam had a daughter . they should have let donovan come with the rest of kgi and stayed their asses at home . `` quit looking like you just got a hand job from a drag queen , '' garrett muttered beside him . `` how the fk do you know what i look like ? '' donovan asked irritably . `` it 's dark as shit out here . '' `` do n't need to see you to know you have that pinched , tight-ass look on your face . you were n't coming without us . no way we 'd let nathan rot in some goddamn cave any more than we let rachel stay in that shithole in colombia . '' `` yeah , i know , '' donovan said in resignation . `` but i do n't have to like it . you and sam and ethan have families back home . `` nathan is family and so are you . no way we 'd leave either of you without as much protection as we can muster , so shut the fk up and let 's go blow the fk out of those goatherding motherfuckers who have nathan . '' donovan cracked a smile . `` yippee ki-yay . '' `` sarah 's been on you about the language , huh . '' garrett snarled in response and then muttered a few more f bombs for good measure . `` yeah , you better get them all out now because when you get back home , no more f words for you . '' `` fuck you , van . just f**k you . '' shea spread the map out over her bed and studied the highways intently . she chewed absently at her bottom lip as she tried to decide where to go next . if only she knew more about the people after her and grace . she did n't dare go to the police . what was she supposed to tell them ? that she and her sister were telepathic and some maniacs were after them but , oh by the way , i do n't know who they are . for all she knew , it could be the government .	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i know the rest of the kids at shoreline look at the nephilim funny , but i 've been to a lot of high schools , and i 'm starting to think that 's just the way most kids ' faces naturally bend . besides , no one 's `normal . ' phil must have had something freakish about him . '' `` actually , there was something about his eyes . they were blue , but faded , almost washed out . he had to wear these special contacts so people would n't stare at him . '' shelby tossed her head to the side . `` plus , you know , that third nipple . '' she burst out laughing , was red in the face by the time luce joined in and practically in tears when a light tapping on the windowpane shut both of them up . `` that better not be him . '' shelby 's voice instantly sobered as she hopped up from the bed and ung open the window , knocking over a potted yucca in her haste . yucca in her haste . `` it 's for you , '' she said , almost numbly . luce was at the window in a heartbeat , because by then , she could feel him . bracing her palms on the sill , she leaned forward into the brisk night air . she was face to face , lip to lip , with daniel . for the briefest moment , she thought he was looking past her , into the room , at shelby , but then he was kissing her , cupping the back of her head with his soft hands and pulling her to him , taking her breath away . a week 's worth of warmth owed through her , along with an unspoken apology for the harsh words they 'd said the other night on the beach . daniel was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt . she could see the cowlick in his hair . his tremendous pearl-white wings beat gently behind him , probing the black night , luring her in . they seemed to beat in the sky almost in time with her heart . she wanted to touch them , to bury herself in them the way she had the other night on the beach . it was a stunning thing to see him oating outside her third-story window . he took her hand and pulled her over the windowsill and out into the air and his arms . but then he set her down on a wide , at ledge under the window that she 'd never noticed before . she always felt the urge to cry when she was happiest . but i 'm so glad you are . '' `` prove it , '' he said , smiling as he pulled her back against his chest so that his head was just over her shoulder . he looped one arm around her waist . warmth radiated from his wings . when she looked over her shoulder , all she could see was white ; the world was white , all softly textured and aglow with moonlight . and then daniel 's great wings began to beat -- her stomach dropped a little and she knew she was being lifted -- no , rocketed , straight into the sky . the ledge below them grew smaller and the stars above shone brighter and the wind ripped across her body , tousling her hair across her face . up they soared , higher into the night , until the school was just a black smudge on the ground below . until the ocean was just a silver blanket on the earth . until they pierced a feathery layer of cloud . she was n't cold or afraid . she felt free of everything that weighed her down on earth . free of danger , free of any pain she 'd ever felt . free of gravity . and so in love . daniel 's mouth traced a line of kisses up the side of her neck . he wrapped his arms tight around her waist and turned her to face him . her feet were on top of his , just as when they 'd danced over the ocean at the bon re . there was no wind anymore ; the air around them was silent and calm . the only sounds were the beating of daniel 's wings as they hovered in the sky and the beating of her own heart . `` moments like this , '' he said , `` make everything we 've had to go through worthwhile . '' then he kissed her as he 'd never kissed her before . a long , extended kiss that seemed to claim her lips forever . his hands traced the line of her body , lightly at rst and then more forcefully , delighting in her curves . she melted into him , and he ran his ngers along the backs of her thighs , her hips , her shoulders . he took control of every part of her . she felt the muscles beneath his cotton shirt , his taut arms and neck , the hollow at the small of his back . she kissed his jaw , his lips . here in the clouds , with daniel 's eyes sparkling brighter than any star she had ever seen , this was where luce belonged . `` i 'll never get enough of this . daniel smiled , but soon , too soon , his wings shifted , attening out . luce knew what was coming next .	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`` ah , '' he said , smiling against her mouth . `` you 're wearing lip gloss today . '' he traced her lips with his tongue , then dipped deeper , sharing the hint of flavor with her . his kiss growing bolder , fuller , he backed her against the desk and she welcomed the bolstering because she was n't sure how much longer her legs would hold . jonah stroked her back , her sides , the tops of her thighs , nowhere overtly intimate but intensely arousing all the same . his hot breath caressed her neck a second before his mouth skimmed her oversensitive flesh . her spot . the fact that he still knew what she liked turned her inside out as much as the touch of his lips to her skin . she bit back a moan , her head falling to rest on his shoulder . `` we need to slow this down . he pressed a finger to her lips , still paying detailed attention to her neck . we 're in a library . have n't you ever made out in the library ? '' `` never , '' she answered , one word all she could manage . `` or caught people making out in the stacks ? '' his hands slid up and down her sides , each time grazing farther and farther over her ribs , just below her br**sts . she 'd sent them on their way like a good , responsible adult , but right now she was feeling anything but responsible . jonah nudged his leg between hers , the thick press of his muscled thigh sending sparks of pleasure radiating upward . and clearly she was n't the only one feeling the effects of their clench . there was no mistaking the rigid press of his arousal against her stomach . and heaven help her , she wanted him too and to hell with the emotional fallout later . had n't she thought just this morning about how wonderful it would be to indulge with jonah , no marriage , no strings ? and other than a piece of paper , they were n't really married . their lives would n't be tangled up beyond these next couple of weeks . `` let 's continue this at my house . '' she took the leap . `` or at your place even . '' i would n't risk getting you in trouble . '' he kissed her quiet again . they had their clothes on . she was off the clock for lunch . he was only kissing her . kissing her senseless . when she 'd stumbled upon other couples necking in the library before , while it had been mildly embarrassing for the people caught , all had just laughed good-naturedly . and she was locked in her office on her lunch break . `` okay then , i trust you , '' she vowed against his mouth , meaning the words for now , this moment . a smile kicked up into his cheek as he lowered his head to hers . she threaded her fingers through his hair again . thick and luxurious , wild and sexy . jonah angled her closer . his palms spanning low on her back , he urged her into a gentle rock against him . his leg pressed more firmly . pleasure tightened more insistently . she ached for release but held back , nervous and excited by the notion of losing control . they were just making out , for heaven 's sake . memories of a similar embrace in his rented home in spain steamed through her mind , of him pressing her just this way against the kitchen counter when they 'd made a 3:00 a.m. forage for food . both of them had been exhausted and starving from their workout in bed . the images of then tangled with the present until the clothed kiss became so much more in her mind ... . she could almost smell the sangria and fruit juices they 'd licked from each other 's bodies . it had been so long , too long , a whole damn year without this feeling , a growing sense of frenzy no man other than jonah had been able to engender . what if he were the only man who could stoke her passion to this level ? what would it be like to go through life never feeling this level of want and pleasure and pure sensuality again ? the warm sweep of his tongue , the familiar taste of him , stoked her need higher , hotter , tighter . she wriggled to get closer . the tension gathered low , right where he so perfectly teased . he pressed his leg more insistently against , rocking it rhythmically against her until she realized ... gasped ... could n't stop ... he caught her moan with his mouth . she arched her back , flinging full-out into her release . every muscle inside her pulled taut as if to hold on to the sensation as long as possible , clenching up each sparkling aftershock . slowly , the warm flush along her skin began to cool . she shivered and he gathered her against his chest . thank god he did n't speak . she would have been mortified , but she could barely think , much less talk . jonah brushed his mouth along the top of her hair . `` enjoy the rest of the lunch break and your sandwich .	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christine did n't need to take physics ; she wanted to be an english teacher . but she told lincoln that she did n't want to live in a world she did n't understand , that she did n't want a faith-based relationship with things like centrifugal force and gravity . as she said it , she kicked off her sandals and sat indian-style on his bed . she had long , wavy , wheaty hair that never looked brushed . christine told lincoln that he explained everything so much better than her physics professor , a stern man with a slavic accent who acted offended every time she asked a stupid question . lincoln told her that her questions were n't stupid , and she hugged him . that 's when he kissed her . it was like kissing a warm bath . `` that was nice , '' christine said when he pulled away . he could n't tell whether she wanted him to kiss her again . she looked happy , but that did n't mean anything . she always looked happy ... `` do you feel ready for your test ? '' `` could we go over torque one more time ? '' `` sure , '' he said , `` yeah . '' christine smiled some more . they went back to studying , and she ended up getting a b on her physics final . sometimes , lincoln wished that he would have kept kissing her that night . it would be so easy to love christine , to be in love with her . you 'd never raise your voice . she 'd never be mean . but he was n't jealous when she started dating dave a few months later . christine radiated happy when she was with dave . and dave , who could really , truly , be painfully intense sometimes-the kind of guy who leans in too far when he 's making a point , who might still be snippy with you two weeks after your dandd character had bested his in a swordfight-was loose and forgiving when christine was around . lincoln liked their messy-warm house , their messy-round kids , their living room with too many lamps and pillows , the way their voices softened when they talked to each other . `` i think , '' lincoln said , `` if we started an axis and allies game right now , i 'd fall asleep before russia was done buying tanks . '' `` that 's a no , '' christine said . `` you should sleep here , lincoln . you look too tired to drive . '' `` yeah , stay , '' dave said , `` we 'll make blueberry pancakes for breakfast . '' lincoln stayed . he slept on the couch , and when he woke up , he helped christine make pancakes and argued with dave about the plot of a fantasy novel they 'd both read . after breakfast , they made him promise to come to next week 's game . `` we still have to catch up , '' christine said . `` you still have n't told us about your job . '' it was such a good weekend that lincoln still felt cheerful and un-lonely when he got to work monday night . he was feeling practically sunny when his sister called . `` have you read any more of that parachute book ? '' it 's too intimidating . '' `` so you 're done with the future ? '' `` i 'm tightening my focus . '' `` the near future , '' he said . `` i can handle the near future . tonight , for example , i 'm going to read for pleasure . tomorrow , i 'm going to have a beer with lunch . on saturday , i 'm going to play dungeons and dragons . and sunday , i might go see a movie . `` that is n't a plan , '' she said . it 's my plan . and i feel really good about it . '' `` those are n't things you plan . you do n't plan to read or to have a beer with lunch . those are things you do when you have a moment between planned events . those are incidentals . '' `` or maybe i 'm frontsliding . '' `` i ca n't talk to you anymore , '' eve said . `` call me this weekend . '' all the y2k stuff was keeping lincoln busier at work-he was helping with the coding and trying to keep track of greg 's strike force-but he still had hours of free time every night . on friday night , when he told himself how lucky he was to get paid to reread isaac asimov 's foundation series , he mostly believed it . money and time , those were the two things that he always heard people complaining about , and he had plenty of both . there was n't anything lincoln wanted that he could n't afford . what did he really want , anyway ? to buy new books when they came out in hardback . to not have to think about how much money was in his wallet when he was ordering dinner .	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along everything else that had assaulted her , every other insult she had to bear , there was awful difficulty in giving birth to jesse , and she was not able to have any more children after him . all of these things merged and submerged in creating bitterness in her heart , which then coursed out on to the head of her only son , trading hardship for that particular tenderness that he needed his mother to give him . was this the fault of naomi ? it is pointless to ask . did her name expose her to the triumph of bitterness ? it is pointless to speculate . naomi was what she became , a sad and distorted woman , and she saw devastating ways to press those distortions home . she focussed her scorn and resentment upon her son jesse , and thus was able to present a preternaturally sunny disposition to the world . your mother is a wonderful woman , people would say . you are lucky to have her . as this deception worked jesses wounds ever deeper in him . if jesse ever queried this reality , people were resolute and disparaging . your mother loves you , they would say , some of them spitting those words at him . all mothers love their children . they would deny his reality and turn it back upon him , say that it was wickedness to suggest anything else . how dare you , they would say . ungrateful child , to question the love of your mother . with parents like these , there was no hope for this boy jesse james . he was raised on a diet of bitterness and self-abnegation , and like his mother , like his father in his turn , jesse turned his bitterness and his rage upon others . continuing as he did so the great chain of evil suffered and evil inflicted , reaching back tragically through the vast circularity of time . jesse became cruel . he hurt animals and smaller children , and he would kill things for the satisfaction of it , and in his cruelty and his rage he was transformed into the precisely the child that his mother needed him to be . the man that her bitterness had demanded from her flesh , the man who would prove to her those lies that were stored in her heart . see , what he does to me . even the son of my own body . see what he is . but the story changes , here . before jesse was a man , without any shadow of a beard upon his face , he began to experience snatches of horror and heart-sickness at the terror and suffering he was dealing into the world . when these fits took him , jesse tried to crush them down . but these accusations within him would not relent , even when he turned his face away . at such a young age his conscience rose and overwhelmed him , witnessing the dire nature of his actions , and their ugly fruit . jesse was dismayed by these things , and the more he reflected the more he felt ashamed . he thought of his small cousin laura , hardly old enough to walk , and how he had left her behind in an empty street because she could not keep up with him . he saw the tears on her dark lashes , as he recalled his harsh words and his taunts , and he was assailed by tremendous shame and grief . even though his heart offered him further ways to avoid these feelings he let his feelings come , and they seared into his mind and heart . he saw his other cruelty , saw his mothers little dog shy away from him whenever he approached . jesse knew the reason for that , the beatings and abuse he had dispensed , and suddenly tears came into his eyes , burning , stinging tears of self-reproach . they burned and he saw through them into the ugliness of his own actions , the suffering they had created , the suffering they had maintained . you should know : this is uncommon decency . for a boy so young , still nothing like a man , to turn away from his own iniquity , to be pricked by the stern reproach of his conscience without shifting the blame , without implicating even his mother in the disease that had grown within him . just as jesse was overpowered by his shame and his remorse , so too did he sincerely repent from his actions . jesse changed his ways , and he swore especially to atone for his misdeeds , and in that instant of repentance all of his rage and cruelty was overpowered . as his heart turned towards the light it turned the bitterness of naomi out into the dust , to flail there and be still , with no further place to breed within him , no purchase either within him or within the victims that he might have grafted it to . ******* cynics might observe that jesse had no claim to such repentance , nor any example to follow in the restoration of his own damaged heart . he had been terribly betrayed by the people who should have loved him , and there was no obvious influence in his life that could have set his footing so firmly back on the true path . but the world is vast , as are the places outside of it , and in the desert places where the strange voices sing , perhaps there was some intercession on his behalf .	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seeing that she 'd lived a good portion of her adult life as a single woman , she was accustomed to taking care of herself . still , there were times when she would have welcomed a man 's help . welcomed a man . she missed paul dreadfully , but she 'd married him knowing he was a soldier and the risk that involved . even now , knowing what she did , she would always be grateful to have been loved by paul rose . rose harbor inn had become her sanctuary , a safe harbor for her and for rover , the stray dog she 'd adopted . although she 'd owned the inn for only a few months , she had already compiled a long list of upgrades and changes she wished to make . unfortunately , many of these improvements were above and beyond her limited capabilities . that was where mark taylor came into the picture . he was a local handyman , and if she were to describe him , the first thing that readily came to mind was prickly . to say he was a man of few words was to say a mime talked too much . usually he answered with one or two words , as if any question she were to ask irritated him . personality he was not . jo marie was willing to put up with his gruff ways because he did a good job , and at an acceptable price . the problem was that mark had a habit of taking three times longer than necessary to finish a project . as he was keen to remind her , others had hired him , too . she was n't his only customer , and he 'd finish in a reasonable amount of time . to be fair , he generally did . what jo marie needed , he often reminded her , was a bit more patience . recently , however , jo marie had discovered a secret that had mark stopping by to work on her project a bit more routinely . mark loved cookies , and she baked a batch every other day or so for her guests . it 'd taken her only a short while to recognize that mark tended to show up for work on baking days . this morning it was peanut-butter cookies , one of his favorites . right on cue , her doorbell chimed . ever at the ready , rover immediately barked and raced to the door . sure enough , it was mark . `` i got your message , '' he said , sounding none too pleased . he made it seem as if the voice mail she 'd left him had upset his all-important schedule . `` what do you need this time ? '' rover stood on his hind legs and placed his front paws on mark 's thigh , looking to be acknowledged . mark grudgingly patted the mutt 's head and then , scowling , added , `` down . '' rover immediately obeyed . `` i 'd like to remove part of the lawn for a rose garden . '' she wanted a gazebo built as well but did n't want to overwhelm him with too much at once . `` i mentioned the project earlier , '' she reminded him . `` i 've got other projects right now . '' `` i know , '' she said , doing her best to remain patient and calm . she was forced to bite down on her tongue to keep from asking about the cradle he 'd been working on for weeks . when she saw how lovely it was-and it truly was-he said he 'd gotten it in his head to build it , although it was n't a commissioned piece and he did n't know anyone in need of a cradle . far be it from her to tear him away for a paying job . mark must have smelled the cookies , because he moved into the kitchen without waiting for an invitation . `` i would n't mind a couple of those cookies . '' before she handed over the goods , she wanted it understood she had a stipulation to go along with this project . `` i have a deadline for the garden . '' mark shifted uncomfortably . `` i 'm not good with deadlines . '' she ignored that , poured his coffee , and brought down a plate but did n't hand over the cookies . `` peggy beldon suggested i have an open house , and i was thinking it would be nice to have it in late spring . '' end of may or so . mark 's gaze focused on the peanut-butter cookies cooling on wire racks along the countertop . he might not find planting a rose garden particularly significant , but she did . this garden would be a tribute to her husband , to paul . while it might not mean anything more than a job to mark , it was important to her , and his cooperation in this would be greatly appreciated . mark scowled and shrugged . jo marie set two cookies on the plate and brought it over to the table , where he 'd plopped himself down . he 'd eaten both by the time she returned with her own coffee and sat across from him . rover curled up at her feet . `` when can you get started ? '' she asked , unwilling to be put off . `` where do you want the rose garden ? ''	[["see", 6], ["seeing", 6], ["live", 24], ["lived", 24], ["good", 31], ["portion", 39], ["adult", 52], ["life", 57], ["lifes", 57], ["single", 69], ["woman", 75], ["womans", 75], ["take", 106], ["taking", 106], ["care", 111], ["still", 130], ["time", 149], ["times", 149], ["welcome", 178], ["welcomed", 178], ["man", 184], ["mans", 184], ["manned", 184], ["help", 192], ["helpest", 192], ["miss", 222], ["missed", 222], ["paul", 227], ["pauls", 227], ["dreadfully", 238], ["marry", 259], ["married", 259], ["know", 271], ["knowest", 271], ["knowing", 271], ["soldier", 288], ["soldiered", 288], ["risk", 301], ["riskest", 301], ["involve", 315], ["involved", 315], ["even", 322], ["evens", 322], ["always", 368], ["grateful", 380], ["love", 399], ["loved", 399], ["rise", 412], ["risen", 412], ["rose", 412], ["harbor", 426], ["harbors", 426], ["harborest", 426], ["inn", 430], ["inns", 430], ["become", 441], ["sanctuary", 455], ["safe", 464], ["safes", 464], ["safed", 464], ["rover", 493], 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i peeked around his back as the door slowly opened . i was mentally preparing myself for nan to come barging into the room . instead , a girl about my age stood at the door . she did n't look like anyone i would imagine belonged in this house . her long brown hair brushed her waist in soft curls and was parted to the side . she had no bangs . it was all one length . dark lashes framed her sultry looking hazel eyes but she was n't wearing any makeup . the straight-legged shorts she had on hit just at her knee and she was wearing a pale pink blouse that buttoned up the front . it was simple and classy . `` hello , harlow , '' rush said , surprising me even further . one of the girl 's perfectly sculpted eyebrows arched . `` i was hoping i could hide up here with you . you 're really going down there to deal with that ? '' the southern twang to her voice startled me . who was she and why did she have a southern accent ? we were in beverly hills . to help the situation , '' rush replied . the girl nodded and then her eyes shifted from rush to focus on me . `` you must be blaire . '' `` yes , '' i said , glancing up at rush . rush pulled me closer beside him . `` blaire this is harlow . she 's kiro 's other daughter . harlow , this is my fiancee , blaire . '' `` i know all about blaire . dean has filled me in . do you mind if i stay up here with you , blaire ? nan is n't a fan of me and i like to stay away from angry people . '' `` she needs to get dressed and i 'm not sure she- '' `` yes , i 'd like that . i 'll just grab something from my suitcase and slip it on . wo n't take but a minute , '' i replied , interrupting rush . i was normally a good judge of character and i liked harlow . she seemed almost shy . she was soft spoken and there was no malice in her eyes . she also had n't ogled rush when she 'd looked at him . that was a major plus for me . i was going to have you some food brought up and- '' `` the food sounds wonderful . send some up for harlow too , please , '' i said before he could say anything more . harlow 's laugh startled me and i looked over at her . it 's just he 's being so not like rush . it 's fun to watch him like this . '' `` let me get dressed and you go deal with nan before she comes looking for you . i do n't want to see her just yet . '' that seemed to snap rush out of his determination to keep me bundled up in bed like an invalid . he would n't want nan near me while she was in this mood either . once he was out the door i motioned for harlow to come on inside . `` i 'll just go put on some clothes . i 've never been in rush 's room before . i typically stay in my room and read . but when dean told me about you i was curious , '' she admitted with a shy smile . `` i 'm curious about you too . i did n't know kiro had another daughter . the one i do know is n't very nice . you 're nothing like nan . '' harlow looked sad for a moment . `` i was raised very differently from nan . my grandmama would have tanned my hide if i 'd ever acted the way nan does . i was n't allowed to be demanding or throw fits growing up . grandmama made sure i was well behaved . i think that 's why daddy liked to come get me . i did n't get in the way when i came here . i sat in my room and read my books mostly . when he had time for me he 'd come get me and we would go to a movie or an amusement park . but other than that my life was with my grandmama in south carolina . '' so that 's why she sounded southern . `` i grew up in alabama . i was wondering about your accent , '' i confessed . no one expects kiro 's daughter to be a country girl . '' with a name like harlow and a famous father i would imagine her to be spoiled and an elitist . i pulled out a sundress from my suitcase . i was wearing dresses more often now since my stomach was too big for my jeans . `` i 'll be right back , '' i told her and hurried to the bathroom to get dressed . rush kiro was shirtless and swinging his tattooed arms around with a cigarette between his fingers and a bottle of rum in his other hand . `` what the ever loving fk is your problem ? hell , you got momma issues then go bitch at motherfking georgianna .	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are you with one of the guys ? she had on an elegant dress with matching jewels and a designer clutch . her husband was making bank , whoever he was . as badly as i wanted to say i was with one of the wrestlers i knew better and played it cool . april is training me . im her guest . oh , april ! lauras sister interjected . i smiled as i went with the flow . the brunette said nothing . she calmly looked on . her vibe was chilling and confrontational . the blondes did not acknowledge her for some odd reason . we watched on as the evenings matches started . it was truly a sight to see the roar of the crowd from high above . it was nothing like the little 200 member crowds id seen in memphis . every time the music and lights hit the crowd stood on their feet and went nuts . one of the first matches was a ladybirds match . it was a rematch between laura and april . the blondes looked on with big smiles . laura came to the ring and did her usual routine . people booed endlessly as laura boasted on the microphone how great she was . after seeing her in person i wasnt sure if it wasnt true that she indeed was the greatest female athlete of all time . aprils music hit and she came out to a nice cheer . she was clearly a fan favorite . i studied every move as the tiny competitor made her way to the ring . even the ladybirds ring gear was more amazing in person . april wore a two piece bedazzled blue outfit with silver trim and black boots . lauras muscles hugged a sparkly pair of pink tights and black spandex tank top . they looked like the mega stars they were . the referee held up the big pink championship belt . we all looked on silently as the ladies did their thing . i noticed the brunette hadnt moved a muscle as she silently stared on . the ladies put on an awesome match . they were again perfectly in sync with one another . every move was done textbook style with no hiccups . i was in awe how well they worked together . it was so good they could probably do the match with their eyes closed . again , april made a thunderous comeback to the fans delight . the place was electric as they believed the amazon would meet her first defeat in the ring . lauras sister leaned over to me . i have to tell you april is pretty awesome . in a moment , laura hit her power bomb and the match was over . lauras undefeated record remained intact . the blondes looked on with a sense of pride and joy . the crowd booed laura as she slung her belt over her shoulder and celebrated . i forced a smile as laura basked in the glory . in my mind i was drawing up my game plan . i had to defeat her . chapter 11 the following segment was something i never thought id see . ladies and gentlemen will you please welcome all the way from wales , chadwick cambridge ! the arena announcer belted through the speakers . out ran my former training buddy . chad was decked out in his purple tights and a royal purple robe complete with some sort of scepter . the crowd hesitated to submit a large ovation to him . it was going to be his job to get over . whats up , whats up ? ! a confident slick voice i vaguely remembered said from behind us . i turned around to see p joining us in the box . he was dressed in a dark gray suit with no tie . the brunette finally perked up . p leaned in and kissed her right on the lips . this is the girl i was telling you about . this is brianna , he said to the brunette . brianna , this is rachel , p said . my stomach exploded . i instantly realized who the brunette was . she was ps wife and one of the lead writers of the show . she was also russian , or at least played one on television at one time from what i remembered . im so sorry i didnt introduce myself earlier . i was into the show , i peeped out . rachel could smell fear on your breath . she was the type of woman that could kill a man with a single glance . she held her head peculiarly as she pondered whether or not to fire me on the spot , at least in my mind . my stomach did back flips as i remained completely silent . your yegors friend , right ? ok , she dismissed me . i think i was safe for now . did i miss anything yet ? p interjected . chad was still in the ring doing his new chadwick cambridge routine . there are men in this building who are evil , men who i will not allow to dishonor the great fans of this company any longer . i am here to restore faith , honor and dignity to those tortured souls . that is the reason i was knighted . chad stumbled on his words . he was unconvincing . the crowd could care less .	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`` it 's a common enough name , '' jack said as they walked toward the house . `` you might say jack keller is a friend of a friend . '' gary opened the screen door that led to the living room . the house was cluttered without looking messy . evidence of the baby was everywhere . a rocking chair with a flannel sheet draped over the back . an infant swing situated next to the sofa . toys scattered about . an empty baby bottle on the coffee table . jack had n't intended to accept the family 's invitation to come into their home . all he needed was the franklins ' insurance information . he felt oddly drawn to the young couple . even though this gary franklin was n't lorraine 's . or maybe because of that . `` do you want to see your name ? '' at jack 's puzzled look , he moved toward the television set and lifted a photo from the cluster assembled there . `` brice , '' his mother said , stopping him , `` i do n't know if that 's such a good idea . '' `` because that jack keller 's ... gone . '' brice set the framed snapshot back on the television . `` i do n't mind , '' jack said , his curiosity aroused . the boy reached for the photo and brought it over to him . but the picture was n't what he expected . it was so much of a shock , in fact , that he knew it would forever change the course of his life . the photograph was n't of a man , as he 'd expected , but of a woman . her beautiful face smiled back at him . the sight was enough to wildly affect his heart rate . she stood in front of an adobe structure , a new building , between antonio and hector dancy , her tanned arms around each boy . all three of them were grinning . for an instant he almost did n't recognize her as the woman he 'd once known . she wore khaki shorts and a sleeveless blouse . and her eyes ... they reflected happiness and-he could sense it-pain . he wondered if she 'd walked through the same valley he had these past eighteen months . had she found a shaky sense of peace , as he had ? if so , he suspected it had n't come easy . neither had his own . all he 'd had to sustain him these long months had been his memories . he did n't have her picture , nor did he have the luxury of some memento from their time together . but none was necessary , or so he 'd believed . apparently he did n't know as much about her as he 'd thought . when he managed to drag his eyes away from lorraine and the boys , he received yet another shock . a wooden sign hung over the doorway . he had to squint to read it : the jack keller memorial health clinic , in english and in spanish . jack lifted his gaze from the photo and shook his head . `` that 's the way i feel , '' jack did n't mind telling him . `` it appears we have more to discuss than i realized . '' lorraine had lived in el mirador six months now , and it felt as though she 'd been part of the community all her life . her spanish was still rudimentary , but she was working on it . antonio and hector took great pride in teaching her new words , and she , in turn , practiced english with them . as soon as she 'd announced her intention of building a medical clinic in jack 's memory , she had more offers of help from the people of el mirador than she knew what to do with . the clinic , with living quarters for her , was constructed in record time . the building itself was only the start . her friends at group wellness back in louisville had raised more than $ 25,000 for medicine , and med-x had donated medical supplies , with a commitment for the following year , as well . lorraine 's last hurdle before moving into jack 's clinic was her certification to practice medicine in mexico . with her father 's help-he filled out the forms-and assistance from a government grateful for her efforts in returning the kukulcan star , lorraine was ready to open her doors to the public in less than two months . the first day she 'd been shocked by the number of patients waiting outside the clinic . the line had stretched out the door and down the narrow walkway . at the end of her first week lorraine knew this was exactly the right thing to do . before , everything in her life had felt pointless . in el mirador her medical skills were badly needed . knowing she was helping others also helped her ; she had learned to accept both her past and her future . teaching here had done the same thing for her father . for the first time since losing jack , lorraine slept through an entire night . a whole day sometimes passed without her thinking of him .	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she 'd been so warm moments before , and so she turned in her sleep , reaching for the warm body that had been there before . `` here , darlin ' , '' he said softly , and then she was pulled back against a warm , broad chest . her hands slid between them , instinctively looking to slide into the warmth between their bodies , and encountered his cock , hard and erect . that caused her to wake up . beth ann opened her eyes , blinked , and stared up into colt 's angular face . `` mornin ' , '' he said , and that dimple appeared under two days ' worth of beard stubble . she blushed , realizing she still had her hand curled around his cock , and her bare brsts were pressed against his chest . her nples hardened even as she thought about it . he leaned in to kiss her , and she grimaced , turning her head . `` i probably have morning breath . '' `` here , '' he said , and reached over her to grab a bottle of water . she took it from him and swished her mouth , and then swallowed a couple mouthfuls before handing it back to him . and he rolled onto her , bearing her down to the ground . his mouth was on hers and his tongue thrust into her mouth , claiming her quickly , and she sighed in response . the man should not be able to kiss like that . she should be feeling dirty and ashamed this morning . she 'd done something cheap and tawdry and she 'd jumped this beautiful , hard man ... and she wanted to do it again . as he sucked on her lower lip , she moaned , remembering last night and all the delicious , naughty things they 'd done . sex with allan had never even been close to that , and he 'd been her first-and only . with him , sex was usually missionary , and only minutes long . when they 'd been in high school , he 'd taken time with her brsts and to kiss her , but as the years had worn on , it had basically turned into an endless string of quickies . he 'd give her a cursory kiss , a flick on the brsts , and then fk her for an unexciting minute or two , and then they 'd go on with their day . she had n't realized until last night just how much she 'd missed being kissed and teased . her hand stroked his cock , and she was pleased with the way he groaned against her mouth . `` someone 's awake and alert this morning , '' she said softly . `` reveille , '' he muttered , moving to her ear and licking the shell of it . when his tongue dipped into her ear , it shot a bolt of pleasure through her body and she whimpered . `` reveille ? '' `` up at dawn , '' he murmured . `` every dawn ? her hands moved to his buttocks and then up his back , and she hooked one leg behind him , trying to pull him down against her . he groaned , still kissing her fiercely . his beard stubble scratched her face , but she did n't care . her fingers slid to the front of his chest and she plucked at his nples , liking how flat and hard they were . when she raised her hips , she felt the hard length of him against her p**sy and she suddenly wanted him deep inside her again . `` wait , '' he said , and fumbled for something nearby . `` condoms , '' he said between kisses . `` hurry , '' she said softly . she did n't want to lose this moment . she wanted to make love to him and go back to that place of madness and desire all over again . she wanted to see if he could take her there again this morning , or if it 'd be disappointing now that the edge had been taken off her desire . she heard the crinkle of the wrapper , and then he shifted , rolling the condom on . he continued to kiss her , though his kiss had become a little distracted , turning into small nibbles against her lips instead . and then he was over her , sliding between her widespread thighs . they were going to do missionary , then ? she experienced a stab of disappointment ... that just as quickly vanished as he pushed deep into her , seating to the hilt . she gasped , her hands clasping his slim hips . he was buried deep so fast , and the stretch of his girth had given her a little tight twinge , but now that he was deep inside her , it was ... really nice . he leaned down and kissed her again , deep , hard , and oh , she liked that . she could feel every inch of him sinking deep inside her . `` oh , '' she murmured , half surprised . that had been so good . over her , he gave her a wicked , half smile , his dog tags fluttering in her face . that look on his face almost said `` i know , '' and then he thrust again . on the third thrust , she raised her hips , and felt every inch of him slide out , and then bury deep again .	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she would know what to do about this ... situation . `` aunt nell ! '' even helen was taken aback by the desperate tone of her voice as she launched out of her seat and rushed to greet the woman who had served as mother to her since her own mother 's death some few years ago . her aunt asked and caught her hands , her gaze sliding between the ripped and crumpled scroll helen held and her niece 's pallid face . `` the king , he sent lord templetun here . '' helen gestured at the man at the table . `` and he - `` unable to even say it , she shoved the remains of the scroll at her older relative , silently urging her to read it . taking the torn message , lady nell uncrumpled it and slowly read its contents . helen watched as her aunt 's eyes flew over the words on the page , then paused , went to the top , then flew over it again . `` nay , '' the woman breathed with a horror as deep as helen 's own , then whirled on the man still seated at the table . `` is this a jest , my lord ? because if it is , 't is a sad one indeed . '' `` nay , my lady . '' the king 's man shifted uncomfortably in his seat , looking oddly guilty . his gaze darted around the room , looking everywhere but its occupants , then he said , `` the king dictated that missive himself and ordered me to bring it to you . i am to take another on to lord holden and bring him back here for the wedding . the king thought it would be good to allow your people time to prepare for the celebration . '' `` but - `` helen paused and shook her head , trying to gather her rather scattered wits . `` but , this can not be . lord holden is an evil , horrid , cruel man . the king can not expect me to marry him ! '' when templetun remained silent , his head lowered , refusing to meet her eyes , helen began to realize that she was indeed expected to do just that . numbness crept over her , softening her horror , and she sank back onto the trestle table bench . she was to marry that horrid , cruel bastard neighbor of hers . hethe . the hammer of holden . the man who burned villeins out of their homes for no purpose . dear god , what would he do when he was displeased with her ? `` there must be a mistake , '' aunt nell announced firmly , drawing helen from her miserable thoughts . `` surely the king would not be so cruel as to force my niece to marry that man . perhaps he simply does not understand . we must travel to court and explain things to him . we must - `` `` the king is no longer at court , '' templetun interrupted solemnly . `` he has gone to chinon to see young henry and remove some of the members of his court . '' helen and nell exchanged startled glances at mention of the king 's son . it was helen who murmured uncertainly , `` remove some of his court ? '' templetun 's face was full of displeasure . henry wishes to arrange a marriage between the daughter of the count of maurienne and youngjohn . the count seems interested , but wants to be surejohnhas prospects first . the king offered to invest him with the castles loudon , mirebeau and chinon , but young henry objects . he will only concede to this if his father allows him to rule either england , normandyoranjouin his own right . '' `` he wants more power . '' nell sighed with disgust . templetun nodded his head solemnly . `` it was a mistake for the king to crown his son while he himself yet lives . the boy wants the power that goes with the title . '' `` but what has that to do with removing some of his court ? '' nell asked impatiently . `` ah , well , the king first thought to take henry into custody as a warning , but he believes some of young henry 's courtiers are sparking these ideas in him and hopes that after the removal of their influence , his oldest son will settle down . '' he spoke candidly , then , seeming to realize that he was gossiping , frowned and changed the subject back to the matter at hand . `` in any case , seeing him would make no difference . he feels that you , lady helen , and lord holden should work your problems out between yourselves , and he wishes the wedding to take place at once . i am to see to it . '' helen lowered her head , her gaze landing on the scroll her aunt still held , proof of king henry 's intent in the matter . it had been written plainly in the message , but for a moment her aunt 's words had given her hope .	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`` i see ... '' he lingered at certain depths , stroking over discovered pleasure points , reveling in the feel of her slick , succulent tissues . he had never been as enraptured with the sexual act before , never known it was possible to feel a woman 's pleasure as if it were his own . not in a proprietary way , but in truth . as before , he took his time , pumping deep and slow . the sun would rise , she would leave , her family would intercede , and their time together would be over . he felt the ticking of the clock keenly , even in the midst of mind-numbing delight . but his goal was not to fk her as many times as possible . he did not strive to curb his craving for her or make her remember him by sheer number of orgasms bestowed . any man worth his salt could make a woman clix . not every man could make love to her . it was quality he wanted , orgasms that shattered her soul , burrowed deep inside her , became a part of her . simon buried his face in the mass of her fragrant hair and held her tightly , absorbing the feel of the tight tips of her nples against his chest and the pillowy cushion of her lovely brsts . lynette was soft , sweetly curved perfection , so damn beautiful it made him ache to look at her . she writhed beneath him , her head tossing , her lips whispering his name in a breathless litany . she was so generous in her passion , restraining nothing , giving him everything she was . no other woman in his life had ever come to his bed without reservation . his common breeding , his irish heritage , his lack of social stature , his lack of property and family ... he had nothing to recommend him beyond a few hours of pleasurable bedsport . lynette 's innocence and purity destroyed him . not simply her virginity , which he prized , but her pristine heart and mind . even a whore was pure of heart the first time she fell in love . no wariness to hold her back , no past hurts to fear , no shattered dreams to mend . lynette had never loved a man before , in any fashion . he would sell his soul to be her last . in all of his life he had never had a home , never had a place he belonged or had anything that belonged solely to him . he had never owned anything irreplaceable and precious . except for lynette . tonight , she belonged solely to him . the enormity of her gift made him tremble . `` mon coeur , '' she breathed , encircling him with slender arms , anchoring him to her . simon continued to ride her slow and deep , determined to make the joining last as long as possible . his cck throbbed and ached , his ballocks were hard and drawn tight to his body . if he were less than completely mad for her , he would not have endured . she was so greedy , rippling along his length , tightening deliciously . `` christ , '' he gasped , arching as white-hot sensation wrapped around the base of his spine and fisted tight . `` it 's so good , '' he groaned . `` so damn good ... '' `` please , '' she begged , her voice throaty and seductive . `` tell me what you need , '' he purred , licking the shell of her ear . `` tell me , and i will give it to you . '' `` do it again , '' she breathed . `` again ... '' hitting the end of her , he rolled his hips , grinding into her , giving her clitoris the final stimulation she required . she stiffened , then keened , clixing hard . scratching his back and sobbing his name , she fell apart in his arms , her cunt clinging to his tormented cck with a viselike grip that clenched and released in a powerful massage . he growled , grinding his teeth and fisting the pillows as she quivered around and beneath him , luring his seed into the spasming depths of her . he resisted by dint of will alone , waiting until her explosive tremors had faded to yank free and spill on the linens . spurt after furious spurt shook his frame , the orgasm violent in its release , decimating everything he thought he knew about sex . as liquid warmth bathed his straining cock , he railed at the injustice of it . his seed would never find purchase in her womb , his future would never have her in it . he was finally home , but he would not be allowed to stay . chapter 13 `` rousseau is not an uncommon surname , philippe , '' marguerite said wearily . `` i would have asked for your help , regardless . '' she stood and picked up her empty glass . moving to the console , she refilled her drink , then poured brandy into a goblet and warmed it expertly over a taper . she carried it to him .	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at this point , carrie suspected finn was n't listening to advice from anyone . `` i have a feeling this all goes back to that article you wanted to publish . the one finn asked you not to write . '' at first he was adamant i not write the piece , and now it seems he 's had a change of heart . he 's giving me what he thinks i want , but it is n't . what i want is him . '' he 's giving you this opportunity because he loves you and you 're turning it down because you love him ? her flight was announced , and the boarding process had already started . `` listen , sawyer , i need to get off the phone , but i want you to tell finn something for me , if you would . '' `` i 'm not letting him know we had this conversation . i value my head , which he 'd bite off if he got so much as an inkling that i 've contacted you . '' `` fine , i understand , but if the opportunity comes up and he finds out we chatted , tell him that before i will agree to write a single word , he will need to sit down with me face-to-face ; otherwise , it 's no deal . '' `` that 's your final answer ? '' sawyer wanted to know . carrie disconnected the call and felt better than she had in almost three weeks . chapter fourteen carrie 's flight from chicago landed at sea-tac airport on time . it would be good to be with family over the christmas holiday . she needed the comfort of their acceptance and love . not a moment passed when finn was n't in the forefront of her mind . she exited the plane and automatically reached for her cell , turning it on . either her mother or father would be waiting in the cell-phone waiting area for her text message . as soon as it powered up , she typed in the information that she 'd landed safely , and then headed toward the exit signs . she would go directly to baggage claim and meet them at the curb for pickup . dragging her carry-on behind her , she was following her fellow passengers onto the escalator when her phone beeped , indicating she had a text message . assuming it was one of her parents , she did n't immediately check . about halfway up , she glanced at her phone and saw that the text was from finn . it shook her up so badly that she dropped the phone . carrie watched in horror as it went tumbling down the escalator steps . `` please , someone grab that for me ! '' she cried out in a panic . `` got it , '' a woman at the bottom shouted back to her . as soon as carrie reached the top , she hurriedly circled around and leaped onto the opposite escalator , racing down the steps , unwilling to stand and wait . the woman remained at the bottom and handed the cell back to her . `` thank you , '' carrie whispered , grabbing hold of it . her heart raced at a frantic speed as she opened finn 's text . why wo n't you write the article ? her fingers moved in a blur as she typed her response . once you give me a face-to-face interview . then get someone else . she did n't expect finn to be thrilled with her stipulation . seeing her again was the last thing he wanted , because it was sure to be difficult to answer her questions , and , even more so , to send her away . having collected her bag , carrie was standing in the cold outside the airport , waiting to be picked up by her mother , when she heard the ping indicating finn had responded . an involuntary smile came over her as she rushed to answer . because you lied . finn did n't deny or confirm her text , not that she 'd expected he would . after a couple of moments , carrie placed her phone inside her purse . the ache in her heart was back , stronger than ever . this could quite possibly be the last communication she might ever have with finn . the thought sent her christmas spirits spiraling downward . her mother pulled up to the airport curb , and after sticking her bags in the backseat , carrie climbed inside the vehicle . `` i 'm so glad you 're home , '' her mother said , and they briefly hugged . `` i am , too , '' carrie assured her . they drove off , heading to the family home , where her brother , his wife , and his children would be waiting . soon they 'd all be gathered around the table , and there would be laughter and conversation . finn had never known this , and carrie hungered to share her family with him . her mother asked , as they merged into the heavy freeway traffic . it 's finn , is n't it ? '' `` a few pounds is all . '' reaching over , her mother gave carrie 's hand a gentle squeeze . `` mark my words , it will all work out . '' carrie desperately wanted that to be true .	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i know you had a life before me and that you want to piece it all together . '' `` i 'm beginning to doubt i 'll ever remember . '' `` you will , '' i said confidently . he 'd already made such great progress already and it had only been a couple of weeks . i 'm just scared what 's going to happen to us when you remember it , i added silently . chapter twelve by the morning there were three more paintings of the woman . i toured the dining room , observing his new artwork . in one , the mysterious woman was sipping a glass of red wine , in another she wore a yellow sun dress and the third painting just pissed me off . she was lying in bed with only a white sheet covering her . logan had perfectly captured the dips and curves of her enviable body . it took great restraint not to throw that painting through the open window . i 'd been so set on helping him to remember his former life , but now i only wanted him to forget his past and build a future with me . i knew it was a dangerous way to think and would only lead to heartbreak , but i could n't help that i was falling for logan . i worked on cleaning up my thesis all morning and late that afternoon , i heard logan finally arrive home from work . he 'd been planning out and sketching his mural before the actual painting was set to begin in a week or so . he found me sitting at the table , laptop forgotten , lost in thought as i stared at the much hated painting of the woman lying in bed . he came up behind me and kneaded my shoulders . i mumbled , looking up into his beautiful hazel eyes . he bent down and kissed my temple . i could n't help but wonder if he was being sweet to me to make up for turning me away last night to paint another woman . i reminded myself that it was n't his fault and let myself enjoy the moment , the sensation of his strong hands massaging my shoulders , and the feel of his warm breath on the back of my neck . `` that feels nice , '' i murmured , reaching around behind me to grip his waist . i hauled him against me and could feel that he was already hard . he continued the massage for a few minutes more and then lifted me from the chair , holding me against his chest and carried me to the bedroom . once we reached my room , with tom right on our heels , he set my feet on the floor and maneuvered tom outside , shutting the door . he stood there , grinning at me . i asked , reaching for him . he nuzzled against my neck and left a trail of soft , damp kisses . his admission shocked me . i had assumed i was alone in the feelings i was developing for him . when he met my mouth , our kiss turned frantic . our lips connected , our tongues desperately stroking each other 's . he unbuttoned my jeans , thrust them down to my ankles and helped me pull them off . then he unbuckled his belt , backing me up against the wall . he pushed my back against the wall , holding me in place while he assaulted my mouth with kisses . his hand snaked between us and stroked me until i was wet and ready . before i had to beg , he pulled his jeans and boxers down just enough to free himself , and then lifted me up , using the wall as leverage to hold me in place . `` yes , '' i whispered when i felt him nudging at my entrance . his chest rumbled with a deep growl when he met my wetness . `` are you still sore from last night ? '' i shook my head and he began moving again . i could feel how tight i was around him as he inched his way in . he pressed his face into the crook of my neck and groaned , then pushed himself all the way inside . i gasped at the pressure , and dug my nails into his back . i moaned in response and he smiled and began moving again . good , '' he said , peppering my mouth with kisses in between each thrust . our breathing and groans got louder as we built quickly towards orgasm together . i did n't know what had possessed him , but he was f**king me hard , pounding me against the wall and i loved this unleashed side of him . `` logan , '' i called , arching my back against as the wall as i came . he was n't far behind me , a few more deep drives and he uttered something unintelligible and came inside me . he lowered me to my feet and kissed me softly while gazing into my eyes lovingly . `` i 'm sorry if i was too rough with you . '' he smoothed my hair away from my face , tucking it behind my ears . `` well , in case there was any doubt , i liked it very much . '' he tugged my hand towards the bed . i ducked inside the bathroom , chuckling at my image in the mirror .	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maybe if he gathered enough information , he 'd break the code that would allow him access to amanda . `` i 've told you , i 'm very busy . i go to school , i intern with gloria , and i tend bar six nights a week . '' she opened her mouth as if to tell him . then she seemed to think better of it and looked away . `` if you 're thinking that you 'll come to the bar , then do n't . '' you do n't want me to come to the bar , i wo n't come to the bar . '' he put the condoms and the candy back in the bag . `` but we need to get two things straight . i do n't plan to become sexually involved with gloria , and i did n't put a valentine in your desk drawer . '' `` sneaking a valentine into your desk drawer is not my style . if i wanted to give you a valentine , i 'd give it to you , straight-out . there would be flowers involved , at the very least . i 've never seen the point in secret valentine messages . they only waste time . '' a smile broke through her obvious effort to stay serious . `` now that 's the first argument you 've made that rings true . but i have to tell you , i do n't have men pining after me . i 've shut down any overtures during the past year or so . you asked me to lunch , and we work in the same building . logic points to you . there 's really no one else it could be . '' she opened the door and gestured for him to go through it . `` i have to lock up and leave or i 'll be very late . '' `` in fact i 've missed my usual bus . i 'll have to take a different one and transfer . '' he did n't think it was his , or he 'd have seen her on it before . `` fifty-nine . '' `` then we 're headed in different directions , but we can still walk out together . '' `` yes , we can do that . '' she turned off the lights and locked the door behind her . then she slung her backpack over one shoulder and started toward the stairway . `` so you 're a bartender . '' `` it pays well for the hours invested . '' `` did you go to bartending school ? '' as she walked down the stairs , she shifted the weight of her backpack , which looked heavy . i 'd waitressed ever since high school , did n't know what i wanted to do with my life . bartending was a skill i could add to my repertoire . when i started school , it made for a good combination , classes during the day , bartending at geekland by night . '' he did n't call attention to the fact that she 'd just told him where she worked . it was a slip on her part , one he would n't take advantage of . she did n't want him in her life , so he would n't push . interesting spot for her to work , though . the place was a joke with the cool crowd , but according to an article in the trib , geekland was wildly popular with its target audience . he 'd never been there , because a person had to be a confirmed nerd and proud of it in order to set foot inside . william knew he had some of those tendencies , but he rejected the label . amanda had some of those tendencies , too , but he did n't think that was why she 'd taken the job . she did n't want to date , and a bartender as cute as amanda would get asked out by the clientele . if she surrounded herself with geeks , she would n't be tempted to say yes . `` have you always wanted to be a stockbroker ? '' they reached the small lobby and headed toward the revolving doors that led out to the street . `` i wanted to be a fireman , and then i wanted to be a trucker or a pro football player . could n't decide which . '' `` that 's a long way from stockbroker . '' i protect people 's future , which is kind of like a fireman , and i 'm involved in the economy , which is part of a trucker 's job . '' `` and how about pro football ? '' `` i 'm in there dodging and weaving , hoping to score for my clients . i just do n't get to wear the shoulder pads and the tight pants . '' she laughed at that , which gratified him . he might have no chance with her , but at least they could be pleasant to each other when they met in the hall . he let her go ahead of him out the door . it looked dark out there , and very cold . bracing himself for the pain that would hit his unprotected ears , he pushed through the door and joined her on the sidewalk . the wind had a bite like a doberman . she pulled up her hood and glanced at him .	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`` good , because you 're not going to have to remind me for twenty years . not even for twenty minutes . '' he walked to her , closing the distance between them with three long steps . he looked down into her whiskey-colored eyes and saw everything he had ever wanted shining back at him . how could he have thought for even one minute that he would be willing to do without her ? that he would be able to be without her ? `` i went to blake while you were gone and i quit my job as family attorney . '' i wo n't let you give up everything you worked for just because don jarrod was a medieval warlord . and blake should n't allow it , i 'm going to- '' christian laughed as she turned from teary to warrior in the blink of an eye . god , life with her was going to be fascinating . blake refused to let me resign . said he 'd just hire me again without all the qualifiers his father insisted on . '' `` and you 're not going to pull away from me again ? '' he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly to him until he felt her return his embrace , her arms winding about his waist as she clung to him . then his world righted and christian knew everything was going to be all right . i love you , erica . have from the moment i met you . when you left ... '' he pulled back and stared down into her eyes . he lifted one hand to cup her cheek and then smoothed his fingers through her hair , loving the cool , slick slide of it against his skin . `` when you left , you took my heart with you . i knew then that nothing i had , nothing i had worked for , was worth anything without you in my life . '' she sighed , and a soft , amazingly beautiful smile curved her mouth as she looked up at him . `` christian , i love you so much . '' `` i thought for sure i 'd have to argue for hours to convince you that you loved me . '' `` no arguments necessary , '' he said . then he reached into his pocket , pulled out a small , dark red velvet box and opening it , held it out to her . sunlight danced off the enormous diamond and shone in her eyes as he watched her . he took the ring from the box and slid it onto her finger , all while she simply stared up at him , with a bemused smiled on her lovely face . `` i finally figured it out . '' she asked , glancing down at the beautiful promise glittering on her hand . `` that all i need is you . if i have you , i have everything . without you , there 's nothing . '' `` oh , christian ... '' tears fell , sliding along her cheeks , but her smile was as brilliant as the diamond on her finger . `` marry me , erica . make a family with me . '' she shouted the single word , then laughed in delight . `` yes , i 'll marry you and i swear , i will love you forever . '' he kissed her hard and fast , then drew back and grinned at her . erica threw her arms around his neck and hung on for all she was worth as he swung her into a dizzying circle . the world rushed by , a blur of color and sound , but in the center of it all , they were together . as they were meant to be . one everything was running smoothly . well , almost everything , guy jarrod amended as he strode into the cobbled square that lay at the heart of aspen 's famous jarrod ridge resort . erica prentice , his newly discovered half sister , had sprung the unwelcome news on the family at breakfast this morning that art lloyd , one of the food and wine gala speakers , had called yesterday to cancel his appearance because of a bad bout of influenza . apart from the minor headache of finding someone to replace art , the annual festival was on track and the tall , snowy-white marquees that lined the square on three sides hummed with activity . if his old man had been here , even he would 've admitted that the spectacle was impressive . heaviness pressed down on guy 's heart . don jarrod , his father-and an aspen legend-was gone . yet jarrod ridge remained a monument to his father 's life 's work . a large shadow floated over guy . squinting skyward , he saw awestruck faces peering down at him from baskets that hung below brightly hued balloons drifting lazily across the morning sky . guy 's mood lifted and he raised a hand to wave before making for the nearest marquee that , even this early in the day , was already crowded . he could see erica huddled next to gavin , one of his two younger brothers , her finger stabbing the air as she emphasized a point .	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the guy may have been a bit unclearwavering randomly between whatever actor or musician i 'd noticed that weekbut he was there , a rock to lean on as i spread my creative wings . until one day i realized that while i was setting up that cardboard cut-out of a guy in my careful plans , there was someone quite different in my mind . someone who appeared as i lay at night , drowsy and brushing the edges of sleep . someone who was softer and rounder and whose cheek was silk against my own . a light sweet voice and a scent not like musk but like wildflower perfume . i was sitting in class , doodling because we were discussing the correct use of apostrophes , again . adara was three seats over beside the window , gazing out and looking as bored as i was . my pencil slid over the paper , limning the curve of her cheek , the line of her neck , the way the shadows pooled in the little hollow under her collarbone . and suddenly it felt like someone had dumped hot water over me . that sketch never was finished . in fact , i ripped it into tiny little shreds and flushed it down the toilet in the school bathroom . i leaned against the side of the stall , holding back tears . like i was n't weird enough . like the fact that i could define the word somnambulism and cared who diego valzquez was did n't already set me apart . this was not who i 'd planned to be . but a small part of me was glad too . that little bit of me that had worried and fussed , and wondered if i was asexual , because i actually could n't care less about taylor lautner 's abs or alex pettyfer 's cheekbones . that bit of me was feeling a soft rolling heat of anticipation . and so i stood there and cried and wanted and was freaked out and excited by turns . until i got myself together , and took a shaky breath and tried not to think about anything at all . it was a good thing we had no exams that day . i 'd have totally flunked . i went home and spent hours online , looking at guys , looking at girls , googling glbt and lesbian . and bisexual , because completely giving up that cardboard husband felt like cutting loose on the string of my life 's balloon . the sky was big and empty and cold when you got high enough . i was n't sure enough . except i was . the day of the spring field trip was sunny and warm . it was a rare thing for us to have an outdoor field trip now we were in high school . or any kind of field trip . gone were the days of taking the whole class to dig for fossils or explore the nature preserve . but the biology teacher had convinced the school that a day spent learning about identifying invasive species and doing our public service by preserving the woods and wetlands was worth allowing us to miss three other classes . everyone was signed up by the end of the first day . i sat beside greg on the bus . it was purely by default . when i got on the yellow bus , there were three open seats left . one was next to becca , but she defended it with a glare , waiting for her friend shannon who was last in line . one was beside toby and i 'm sorry . it 's dumb and shallow and i , of all people , should be better than this , but i hate sitting next to him . he 's so fat he takes up two thirds of the seat and he sweats and ... i know it 's not nice of me and i should try to be friends with him . and sometimes when i see him alone at lunch i think i 'll go over and strike up a conversation . but then he shoves a big bite in his mouth and chews , and i just do n't . anyway , that left greg . hey , candice . he moved over to give me more than half the seat . i dropped onto the cracked green vinyl , trying to spot where adara was sitting . there , two rows up . so this could be okay , right ? i mean , a field trip beats being in class any day . and it 's in a good cause , to keep the preserve healthy . and we 'll learn stuff . i glanced at him and then turned to look up the aisle . yeah , it 's a good cause . greg kind of likes me . he 's always been nice to me , and if we happen to be somewhere together he asks what i 'm drawing or finds something else to talk about . i used to think we might go out on a date , one day . he 's not bad looking , except for the really short hair , and i must have imagined our first date a hundred times , but i just never could get it as far as the first kiss . we 'd talk and have a burger and then ... nothing . that was one of the things that had me worried , before i realized that just the sight of adara 's back could make me feel like i 'd walked too close to the sun .	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julian realized a second too late that he 'd just stomped all over the woman 's litany of dreams . val did n't seem to notice that may sharona-what a name-had turned beet red and seemed to be gasping for air . he angled up to a swaying sit . `` whassa matter ? i have more coke in the bathroom . '' val untangled himself from the woman and grabbed his martini glass from the end table . he sauntered unsteadily across the room . looping an arm around julian , he kind of hung there , swaying , smiling up through a fringe of blond hair . `` hey , before you go , i got ta message for you . someone called the office , looking for you . he said he needed to talk to you about mikaela luna . how 's that for a blast from the past ? '' he lifted the martini glass to his lips and took a long , dribbling swallow . val frowned , as if he 'd already forgotten what they were talking about . jesus , is she hurt ? '' he just wanted you to call him . '' julian felt a strange fluttering in his chest . of all the women he 'd known , he 'd loved her the most . `` where 's the number ? '' val waved a hand and almost fell over . `` i told susan to leave it on your answering machine . '' `` thanks , '' julian answered , distracted by a sudden onslaught of memories . his first love . he had n't heard from her in so long he 'd almost forgotten her . val slid away from julian and headed for the bed , collapsing in a heap on the edge . `` it 'd sure be something to find her . the missing mrs . the press loved her . '' he paused , looked blearily at julian . at the gates to his home , julian spoke into a small black intercom . immediately the intricately wrought gates parted , revealing a short driveway that led to a sprawling spanish bungalow . at least that 's what the designer had called it . five families could live here , and still , in this neck of the woods , it was a bungalow . julian had lived here for ten years , two of those with priscilla-of-the-dessert , four with dorothea-the-bitch , and one with anastasia . none with kayla . not one of his wives had added anything to the interior of the house , not a photograph or a lamp or a painting . they had each come here with nothing , added nothing , and left with a few million dollars of julian 's money . he supposed it was indicative of his problem . he cared more about this home than about the women he 'd married and brought here to live . it was a house that wanted to be a home . he had never had time for a home . julian walked up the flagstone path . bushy green trees in huge terra-cotta pots flanked the way , releasing-even at this dozing season of the year-a soft , citrusy scent . spotlights cast golden , latticed shadows along the path . a riot of late-blooming pink bougainvillea arched above the front entrance . a dozen japanese-style ceramic lanterns lit the path . the door opened and julian 's housekeeper , teresa , stood in the doorway . as always , her uniform was as starched and white as a brand-new sail , and not a single gray hair was out of place . `` buenos noches , senor true . how did the movie go ? '' julian was too distracted to smile . `` another hit . '' frowning , he moved past teresa into the cool , airy house . it was a place of sharp contrasts-white stucco walls and dark walnut trim , white denim-covered , oversized chairs and dark , heavily carved wooden tables . the floor throughout was tile , huge terra-cotta squares and rectangles that forgave any spill . in the spotless kitchen , he poured two shots of tequila into a waterford tumbler and downed it , without bothering to reach for salt or a lime . tucking the bottle under his arm , he began his search . somewhere in this house there had to be a picture of kayla . he went from room to room , lifting every photograph , until he found what he was looking for . there , tucked in the back of the music room , on a bookshelf too high to reach , he found a framed picture of her . he dropped slowly to his knees on the thick aubusson carpet , staring at the photograph . it was their wedding picture . there had not been a photograph like this taken of julian in many years . now , he knew he looked handsome-better looking at forty than he 'd been at twenty-four-but there was something more in this shot .	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what had prompted this visit , olivia could n't even guess . `` so how long have you and jack been involved ? '' `` he was at the house when you returned from california , remember ? '' justine reminded her . she hated the way these questions flustered her . nothing had been settled between her and jack . okay , so they 'd agreed to start seeing each other , but it was too early to know how significant their relationship would become . `` i asked jack then , and he claimed you were only friends . foolish me , i believed him . '' justine certainly seemed to be enjoying this . `` oh , yes , '' her daughter teased . `` friends and then some . '' `` all right , if you must know ... this is a recent development . '' olivia peered at her watch . and olivia felt good about it . no way of knowing what would happen , of course , especially as they had n't yet defined their relationship . but she could n't help wondering where the kissing would 've led if they had n't been interrupted . `` enough about me , '' olivia said abruptly . `` well , '' justine said , sinking down in the chair recently vacated by jack , `` i came to see what you had planned for grandma 's birthday . '' that was only an excuse ; justine could easily have asked over the phone . `` i thought we 'd have a small picnic . '' `` waterfront park ? '' `` i had n't decided where , but that sounds like a good idea . '' her mother 's home was within walking distance of the waterfront area , and there 'd be a lot of festivities there on the fourth . `` i should be able to drop by for an hour or so . '' not looking at justine , she reached for her muffin . `` will warren be with you ? '' `` probably not , but we 're still seeing each other . '' olivia was afraid of that . more than anything she wanted to ask her daughter what the future held for her and warren , but she dared not say anything that would upset the delicate balance of her relationship with justine . `` the truth is , warren and i have n't been getting along lately . '' in one way , olivia was glad to hear that , although she chastised herself for such an ungenerous reaction ; in another way , she was distressed by justine 's evident unhappiness . if warren was what she really wanted ... '' any reason ? '' justine exhaled sharply . `` we 're different people . '' different generations , too , but olivia did n't mention that . `` you might want to remember what attracted you when you first started seeing each other . '' `` i 've been thinking about that a lot lately . '' her hands cradled the coffee mug . `` i was drawn to him right away-he was so polished and successful . i 'd dated other men and they were always pressuring me , wanting more from the relationship . '' `` that 's probably an oversimplification . '' lifting her mug , she stared at the coffee and then lowered it to the table without taking a drink . `` actually , i was the one to blame for past dating failures . i do n't want a long-term committment or a family . '' she stared at olivia . i know it upset you , and i 'm sorry , but it 's the truth . '' `` warren 's already been married , '' olivia said , wanting to keep justine talking , hoping that as her thoughts emerged , she 'd gain insight into her daughter 's emotions . `` actually , he 's been married three times . '' olivia had only known about two of his former marriages , but wisely refrained from comment . `` his children are raised . '' from what she 'd heard , warren saget had a daughter four years younger than justine . `` in other words , he would n't be interested in starting a second family . '' olivia merely nodded . `` warren represents safety and security to me , '' justine said in a low , serious voice . `` it 's comfortable being with him . it seemed that everything i objected to in other relationships is n't a problem for him . he 's always been good to me and i did n't need to worry about ... you know . '' olivia was n't sure she did , but again she held her tongue . `` you 're looking sad . '' reaching over , she stroked the side of her daughter 's face . `` i am sad , '' justine repeated as though this was a revelation . `` that 's exactly what i am . '' olivia searched for something comforting to say , some wisdom she could pass on to her daughter . unfortunately her mind was a blank . every day she sat in court and issued judgments that would alter the way families lived their lives . but when it came to her own child , olivia was at a loss .	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pop was on his way to working himself into a dither . `` i came by to get faith . julie offered me a pregnancy massage and faith is going to go hold my hand . '' `` more like get her own massage , '' connor muttered . `` you girls do n't fool me one bit . i 'll go hold your damn hand and then maybe julie will massage me too . '' `` find your own woman 's hand to hold , '' micah hudson growled from the doorway . pop looked up and scowled . `` it 's about time you decided to show up . what is this , come to work late day ? '' micah ignored pop . all his attention was on the curvy latina woman heavily pregnant with his child . it amused connor to no end to see micah so gobsmacked over a woman . not that he did n't love women as a rule , but there was nothing casual or flirty about micah 's relationship with angelina . the poor boy was whipped and it was pretty pathetic to watch . `` how sure is julie that a pregnancy massage is good for the baby ? '' angelina paused and turned with one hand on her hip . `` i think the point is that it 's good for the mother . '' `` but will it hurt the baby ? '' `` you worry too much , micah . go do some work so faith and i can go have some girly time . we 're going to be late , and damon expects serena to be home by noon . '' connor murmured . he always wondered what the hell went on in damon and serena 's marriage . of all the people who worked for pop , connor was the furthest out of the loop when it came to damon roche . from what he 'd gleaned the man was a control freak and he kept serena under his thumb . faith grinned , and he should have known by the devilish glint in her eye that she was going to say something outlandish . `` i 'm pretty sure if she 's late , she gets a crop to her ass . '' `` something gray needs to think about for you , '' connor said pointedly . she teased as she grasped angelina 's arm and the two headed for the door . was the whole damn world crazy around him ? he 'd heard enough to know that his sex life had to be the only normal one in his group of friends . he did n't even want to know what kind of shit micah put angelina through . it would probably only piss him off . his sister , for pete 's sake . no , he did n't want to know the depravities that his friends indulged in . he was perfectly happy to be the boring vanilla one in the bunch . he turned to eyeball micah after the girls had gone . `` any luck getting her to the altar ? '' i 'm a persistent man . it 'll happen soon . '' pop grunted . `` the problem with men today is they 're too busy being politically correct . you ought to just snatch her up and haul her to a priest . or to vegas like gray did with faith . if you wait around for a woman to make up her mind , you 'll be old and impotent by the time your wedding night gets here . '' connor cracked up . `` this might explain why you 've now embraced bachelorhood indefinitely . '' pop shook his finger at connor and micah . look at what happened when nathan stopped psyfooting around julie . he went over to where she was and hauled her out over his shoulder . then he told her how it was going to be and voila . not like micah over here who mopes around like a friggin ' kicked puppy because he ca n't convince the woman he loves that he really loves her and really wants to marry her . jesus has to be crying up there somewhere . or laughing hysterically . i ca n't figure out which one . '' micah 's lips curled into a snarl . `` enough already , pop . you know i fked up with her . i ca n't just run over her and make her do what i want . '' `` no , but you could damn well put your foot down and make her believe how you feel . '' `` then try harder , '' pop grumbled . `` it 's getting to be like some couples ' retreat around here . it 's damn nauseating . '' connor knew when a good time to escape was . right now , when pop was busy bitching about something else . maybe by the time he remembered what he wanted connor to do , the record company would have given up and hired someone else . one more step and he would have made it home free . `` your airline ticket is on your desk , '' pop called . `` you fly out tomorrow morning . now go home and pack a suitcase . '' fuck a goddamn duck .	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there was nothing to do but run , and hope the approaching customer would n't get too good a look at her . she grabbed for the trash bag and her gaze swept over the rest-room door , the one with `` ladies '' painted on it in big block letters . there was a hasp attached to the door , and an open padlock hung from it . the door was n't even locked ! the footsteps were close , almost to the comer . leaving the trash bag where it was , she darted into the dark little room , and pressed herself against the painted block wall . she did n't even have time to close the door . the customer walked past , and a second later a brighter light came on as he flipped the switch in the other rest room . grace sagged against the wall . the rest room was nothing more than a tiny cubicle , just large enough to accommodate a toilet and a washbasin . the walls were concrete block , the floor was cement . the smell was n't pleasant . she did n't dare turn on the light , though she closed the door until only a two-inch crack remained . jerking down her jeans , she perched over the stained porcelain toilet just as her mother had taught her to do , and then she could n't hold back any longer . crouched there like an awkward bird , her legs aching from the unnatural position , tears of relief sprang into her eyes and she stifled a humorless laugh at the ridiculousness of what she was doing . in the rest room next door there was a long , explosive sound of gas releasing , then a contented `` ahhh . '' grace clapped a hand over her mouth to hold back the hysterical giggle that rose in her throat . she had to finish before he did , or he might hear her . the competition was the strangest in which she 'd ever engaged , and no less stressful because she was the only one who knew it was in progress . she finished just as a loud , gurgling flush sounded . quickly she reached for the handle and pushed it down , the noise of the second covered by that of the first . then she did n't dare move , because the man did n't pause to wash his hands but immediately left the rest room . she froze , not even daring to take a breath . he walked right by without noticing that the door that had been standing open when he 'd gone into the rest room was now almost closed . grace inhaled a shaky breath and stood for a moment in the dark , smelly little rest room , trying to calm her nerves . the rest room was n't the only thing that smelled . she could smell herself , the stink of fear added to almost three days without a shower . her clothes were sour , the effect of being rain-soaked and drying on her body . she did n't mind being dirty ; she did mind being unclean , which was something else entirely . she was an archaeologist'swife-widow , an insidious little voice whispered before she could silence the thought-and had often accompanied him on digs , where dust and sweat had ruled the day . they had always cleaned up at night , however . she did n't think she had ever before gone so long without bathing , and she could n't bear it . she opened the restroom door another inch or so , letting in more light . the sink was as stained as the toilet , but above the basin hung a towel dispenser , and beside the faucet sat a pump bottle of liquid soap . the temptation was irresistible . perhaps she could n't do anything about the smell of her clothes , but she could do something about the smell of her body . turning the faucet so a small stream of water came out , being as quiet as possible , she washed as best she could . she did n't dare undress , and she had only the rough brown paper towels to use for both washing and drying , but she felt much fresher when she had finished . now that her hands were clean , she cupped them and filled them with water , and bent over to drink . the water was cold and fresh on her tongue , sliding down her dry throat and soothing the parched tissues . the irritable words speared her with shards of panic . grace whirled , forgetting to turn off the water . it was the attendant 's voice , and next she heard the unmistakable rustle of plastic as he picked up the trash bag containing her computer and all the documents . a low growl sounded in her throat and she jerked the door open . he was standing with his back to her , holding the bag open as he looked inside it , but at her movement he turned . a mean look entered his eyes as he recognized her . `` i told you to get the fuck off this property . '' he reached out and grabbed her arm , roughly hauling her out of the rest-room doorway and shoving her several feet forward . grace stumbled and almost fell , going down hard on one knee before she regained her balance .	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`` no , i just wanted to get away . watching you ... . '' i stopped before saying any more . a sad smile touched his mouth . `` all she could do was attempt to kill you . in order for you to truly face death , death would have had to come and take you . that was n't going to happen . '' he stopped and took in a ragged breath before touching his lips to my head . his lips moved to my cheek before lingering over my mouth . `` as much as i want to kiss you , i ca n't . '' `` you frustrating girl . you 're like no other soul i 've ever known . '' i touched his face and leaned forward to touch my lips to his but he pulled back and shook his head . `` no , '' he whispered , `` do n't . my desire for you overpowers what i know is best for you . i ca n't risk that again . '' `` do n't leave me , '' i begged . he touched my lips with his fingertip . chapter twelve `` what did you do all weekend ? leif said you had n't felt well after the concert . i thought i would hear something from you . but i got nothing , nada . cold soul was rocking awesome . you should have stayed afterward . we met the band , well except for their lead singer , dank . he left earlier or something . i did n't care , it was amazing ! i could have kissed daddy 's face for that one . '' miranda hooked her arm in mine as she babbled on . i scanned the hall , needing to see dank somewhere in the sea of faces . there was a touch of interest in miranda 's voice . dank was nowhere in the crowd , however , kendra was and she was flirting openly with justin . `` have you seen dank this morning ? '' i asked , looking at miranda and praying she did n't read any more into my question . `` dank as in dank walker , the lead singer of cold soul ? '' i nodded and scanned the lockers . `` yes , dank , '' i repeated . the confused frown on miranda 's face triggered an alarm bell in my head . `` um , are you taking those pain meds again , sweetie ? why would the lead singer of cold soul be here ? '' panic swelled in my chest . `` good morning , '' leif said as he walked up to me and slipped his arm around my shoulders . miranda glanced up at him with a worried smile . `` morning , leif . it 's so sweet that you go get all her books the minute you two arrive . would you think of giving wyatt some pointers ? '' leif chuckled and squeezed my shoulders gently . normally having him close helped me when i was on the verge of panic . however , right now i needed to know where dank was and why miranda did n't seem to know what i was talking about . i glanced up at leif . `` have you seen dank ? '' the same confused frown came over his face . he asked , equally confused . `` she asked me the same thing . i 'm thinking she might have had to take some pain meds again this morning . are you still hurting ? 'cause , girl , you are a trippin ' on something if you think that dank walker is at our school . '' miranda and leif were both looking at me as if i was a need for concern . i glanced over at kendra , who was draped around justin . `` is kendra dating justin now ? '' i asked in a tone i hoped was conversational and did n't betray the panic raging inside me . leif 's frown deepened . `` they 've been dating for months now . are you okay , pagan ? '' `` oh , um , i forgot . i just need to make a stop into the restroom before i go to first period . '' i stood on my tippy toes , kissed leif quickly on the lips , and headed off the other way . i needed to escape their scrutiny so i could think . dank was gone and no one remembered him . the restroom was blessedly empty . i dropped my books down on the damp counter and leaned against the wall for support . my heart contracted so painfully in my chest i feared it might just stop working . someone came inside and i turned to walk into a stall . i needed privacy for my mental breakdown . but after only two steps it dawned on me the door to the restroom had never opened . i froze , took a deep breath , and then peered back at the other occupant . a dark-haired teenage girl had drifted through the wall . i turned and took a step toward her and she noticed me . she seemed surprised i could see her and a smile broke out on her face . i asked , but she only watched me . i was no longer worried about ignoring them . maybe they held the answers . she shook her head and her smile turned sad .	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`` i know , '' she said , and wriggled her arms free , to come round his back and hold him close to her damp , warm softness . `` that what you wanted ? '' he whispered the words now , but softly , not to awaken her . the warmth of her body radiated through the bedclothes ; she was deep asleep . if it was what she 'd wanted-what , exactly , was it ? was it the brutal nature of his lovemaking that she 'd responded to ? or had she sensed the strength of what lay behind it , and acknowledged that-the desperation of his need to keep her safe ? and if it was the roughness ... he swallowed , clenching a fist against the thought of stephen bonnet . she 'd never told him what had passed between them , her and bonnet-and it was unthinkable that he should ask . more unthinkable that he should suspect anything in that encounter might have shamefully stirred her . and yet she did stir visibly on those rare occasions when something led him to take her abruptly , without his usual gentleness . he was a long way from praying now . he felt as he had once before , trapped in a rhododendron hell , with the same maze of damp roots and hanging leaves always before him , no matter in which direction he turned . dim tunnels seemed to offer hope of escape , and yet led only to further tangles . for me and my true love will never meet again , on the bonnie banks and braes of loch lomond ... he was wound tight again , skin prickling and his legs twitching with restlessness . the mosquito whined by and he slapped at it-too late , of course . unable to keep still , he slid quietly out of bed , and did a quick series of deep knee-bends to loosen the cramped muscles . that brought some relief , and he dropped to the floor to do push-ups , counting silently as he dipped toward the floorboards . concentrating only on the increasing burn in chest and arms and shoulders , the soothing monotony of the count . twenty-six , twenty-seven , twenty-eight ... at last , muscles quivering with temporary exhaustion , he stood up , untacked the hide from the window , and stood nak*d , letting the damp night air flood in upon him . he might let in more mosquitoes-but the one might go out , too . the wood was silvered with moonlight , and a faint fire-glow in the darkened heart of it spoke of the militia encamped there . they had been coming in all day , on mules or ragged horses , muskets laid across the bundles of their blankets . he caught the sound of voices and casual laughter , a fragment borne on the breeze . at least he was n't the only one wakeful ; the notion comforted him . a brighter light glowed at the side of the big house , at the farther side of the clearing . a lantern ; two figures walking close together , one tall , one smaller . the man said something , an interrogative rumble ; he recognized jamie 's voice , but could n't make out the words . `` no , '' claire 's voice answered , lighter , clear as they came closer . he saw her hands flutter , silhouetted in the lantern 's glow . `` i 'm filthy from the planting . i 'm going to wash before i come in . you go up to bed . '' the larger figure hesitated , then handed her the lantern . roger saw claire 's face in the light for a moment , turned upward , smiling . jamie bent and kissed her briefly , then stepped back . `` hurry , then , '' he said , and roger could hear the answering smile in his voice . `` i dinna sleep well without ye beside me , sassenach . '' `` you 're going to sleep right away , are you ? '' she paused , a bantering note in her voice . `` not right away , no . '' jamie 's figure had melted into the darkness , but the breeze was toward the cabin , and his voice came out of the shadows , part of the night . `` but i canna very well do the other unless ye 're beside me , either , now can i ? '' claire laughed , though softly . `` start without me , '' she said , turning away toward the well . `` i 'll catch you up . '' roger waited by the window until he saw her come back , the lantern swinging with the haste of her step , and go inside . the breeze had turned , and he heard no more of the men in the wood , though their fire still burned . `` you 're early , mate , '' he said , and eased a finger toward the firefly , gently nudging . `` think there 's anyone else out there yet ? '' the insect moved a few inches , then stopped , abdomen stubbornly blinking . he looked toward the wood , his skin cool now , and gooseflesh rose on his chest .	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`` oh , that would definitely be an added bonus for sure . '' `` yeah , that 's what i figured , '' she smiled . `` okay , new girl , let 's get going here . '' throughout the day , emily followed fallon . she showed her how to use the computer and introduced her to quite a few of the restaurant 's regular customers . they shifted between very upscale business-suit types to your `` average joe '' construction worker . there was a heavy lunch rush that came around noon , and one of the waiters had called in sick , so emily took a few tables . even though she was n't familiar with the menu and felt shaky on the computer , she made it through without any major problems . by the end of her shift , fallon had her head buzzing with which guests tipped the best to which servers were the cutthroat types . for the most part , considering it was her first day , emily thought it went well . on her way out the door , antonio stopped her with a to-go box filled with food . `` emily , my delivery boy quit , '' he said , his eyes thick with worry . `` do you head in the direction of the chrysler building ? '' `` i do n't , but it 's only a few blocks away , right ? '' `` yeah , it 's right on lexington and 42nd . '' `` do you need me to take that there ? '' emily asked , pointing to the box he was holding . i 'll walk it over and just take a cab home from there . '' he handed her the box , letting out a sigh of relief . `` i 'll throw a little extra cash into your pay next week . '' `` no need , antonio . i like sightseeing anyway . '' `` nah , nah , nah , i insist . we 'll see you tomorrow , country . '' laughing , emily shook her head , amused at her new nickname . she rocked onto the rounded heels of her waitressing shoes and stepped out into the hot , humid air . june in new york was undoubtedly warmer than colorado . she made her way through the city wide-eyed , still in awe at the fact that she lived there . the air was thick with the bustle of traffic and the aromas from food vendors ' carts . she was adjusting to new york better than she had anticipated . from the vibrating subway underneath her feet to the mixed array of faces , everything about the city intoxicated her mind . it was sensory overload at its finest . three short blocks later and quite sweaty from the walk , she arrived at her destination . though his father had told him stories about it happening , until that fateful afternoon , gavin blake had believed that love at first sight did n't exist . even though he had the full attention of the blonde sitting at the information desk , his eyes locked on to emily when she walked in . he took in the way she smiled as the security guard approached her . her beauty instantly hit him . but more so , he felt drawn to her as if a rope bound his waist , and she was on the other end pulling him to her . blinking twice , he shook his head at the magnetic connection . `` miss , can i help you with something ? '' `` hi , i 'm making a delivery , '' emily replied , glancing at the receipt . `` floor sixty-two . '' before the security guard could answer , gavin called out from across the lobby . `` i can take her up , larry . '' the receptionist , who had gained gavin 's attention prior to emily walking in , pouted her lips as he walked away . emily 's gaze slid over to where the voice came from . her breath hitched at the sight of the tall , devastatingly beautiful man who was making his way toward her . she felt thrown off kilter as though her equilibrium had skewed itself all over the building . her eyes raked across his inky , black hair cut short and styled in a slightly haphazard way . he had breathtakingly chiseled features ; his mouth seemed to have been painstakingly carved to perfection by an expert sculptor . her eyes flicked down to what appeared to be a toned body hidden beneath his gray three-piece suit . trying to make it seem as though she was unbewildered by his insane male hotness , she turned her attention to the beefy-looking security guard . `` are you sure , mr. blake ? i can show her up . '' `` i 'm very sure , larry . i was on my way up anyway . '' gavin turned to emily . `` let me help you with that , '' he said , gesturing to the box . his voice was as smooth as brandy and made emily 's stomach flutter . she tried to find her words . `` it 's alright , really . i 'm okay holding it . '' `` i insist , '' gavin smiled .	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she shifted her gaze a fraction so she would n't be able to see him at all , but just the knowledge that he was as naked as she had been kept her heart pounding erratically . she swallowed , then licked her lips , forcing herself to concentrate on the surrounding jungle , but the compulsion to look at him continued . she heard splashing and pictured him standing there like a savage , bare and completely at home . she closed her eyes , but the image remained before her . slowly , totally unable to control herself , she opened her eyes and turned her head to look at him . it was only a small movement , a fraction of an inch , until she was able to see him , but that was n't enough . stolen glances were n't enough . she wanted to study every inch of him , drink in the sight of his powerful body . shifting around , she looked fully at him , and froze . he was beautiful , so beautiful that she forgot to breathe . without being handsome , he had the raw power and grace of a predator , all the terrible beauty of a hunter . he was bronzed all over , his tan a deep , even brown . unlike her , he did n't keep his back turned in case she looked ; he had a complete disregard for modesty . he was taking a bath ; she could look or not look , as she wished . his skin was sleek and shiny with water , and the droplets caught in the hair on his chest glittered like captured diamonds . his body hair was dark , despite the sun-streaked blondness of his head . it shadowed his chest , ran in a thin line down his flat , muscled stomach , and bloomed again at the juncture of his legs . his legs were as solid as tree trunks , long and roped with muscle ; every movement he made set off ripples beneath his skin . it was like watching a painting by one of the old masters come to life . he soaped himself all over , then squatted in the water to rinse in the same manner she had , cupping his palms to scoop up the water . when he was rinsed clean , he stood and looked up at her , probably to check on her , and met her gaze head on . jane could n't look away , could n't pretend that she had n't been staring at him with an almost painful appreciation . he stood very still in the stream , watching her as she watched him , letting her take in every detail of his body . under her searching gaze , his body began to stir , harden , growing to full , heavy arousal . `` jane , '' he said softly , but still she heard him . she was so attuned to him , so painfully sensitive to every move and sound he made , that she would have heard him if he 'd whispered . `` do you want to come down here ? '' oh , god , yes , more than she 'd ever wanted anything . but she was still a little afraid of her own feelings , so she held back . this was a part of herself that she did n't know , was n't certain she could control . `` i ca n't , '' she replied , just as softly . `` then turn around , honey , while you still have a choice . '' she quivered , almost unable to make the required movement , but at last her muscles responded and she turned away from him , listening as he waded out of the water . in less than a minute he appeared noiselessly at her side and took the rifle from her hands . he had both packs with him . typically , he made no further comment on what had just happened . `` we 'll get away from the water and set up camp . it 'll be night pretty soon . '' long hours in the dark tent , lying next to him . jane followed him , and when he stopped she helped him do the work they had done the night before , setting up the tent and hiding it . she did n't protest at the cold field rations , but ate without really tasting anything . soon she was crawling into the tent and taking off her boots , waiting for him to join her . when he did , they lay quietly side by side , watching as the remaining light dimmed , then abruptly vanished . tension hummed through her , making her muscles tight . the darkness pressed in on her , an unseen monster that sucked her breath away . no list of compulsive questions leaped to her lips tonight ; she felt oddly timid , and it had been years since she 'd allowed herself to be timid about anything . she no longer knew herself . just the sound of his voice enabled her to relax a little . `` then come here and let me keep the dark away from you . '' she felt his hand on her arm , urging her closer , then she was enfolded in arms so strong that nothing could ever make her afraid while they held her . he cradled her against his side , tucking her head into the hollow of his shoulder . with a touch so light that it could have been the brush of a butterfly 's wings , he kissed the top of her head . `` good night , honey , '' he whispered .	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4174], ["voice", 4212], ["enable", 4220], ["enabled", 4220], ["relax", 4233], ["relaxed", 4233], ["let", 4270], ["lets", 4270], ["hand", 4324], ["arm", 4335], ["urge", 4344], ["urging", 4344], ["close", 4355], ["closer", 4355], ["enfold", 4379], ["arm", 4387], ["arms", 4387], ["strong", 4397], ["nothing", 4410], ["cradle", 4470], ["cradled", 4470], ["tuck", 4501], ["tucked", 4501], ["tucking", 4501], ["hollow", 4526], ["shoulder", 4542], ["shouldered", 4542], ["touch", 4557], ["touching", 4557], ["brush", 4600], ["brushest", 4600], ["butterfly", 4615], ["wing", 4624], ["wings", 4624], ["kiss", 4636], ["kisses", 4636], ["kissest", 4636], ["kissed", 4636], ["top", 4644], ["good", 4666]]
`` she comes storming back , screaming and crying . she fights with her papa . she screams that he has ruined her life . he tells her that it is his right to protect and avenge what is his . she does not come out of her room for days . he says he is sorry . '' `` and now you are here to tell me this story . '' `` sergei knew you would not be happy . '' `` yet he acted anyway . '' bogdan looks away , draws hard on his cigarette . it is almost ash . i make no move to take it from his mouth . with bogdan 's hands behind his back , he can not move either . he drops it to the carpet and then spits on the cigarette . when i watch it burn , he shuffles over on his knees and rubs it out , grimacing at the burn through the wool of his trousers . `` so , you let me go ? '' bogdan asks , hopeful . bogdan tries to lean forward ; perhaps he thinks to attack me on his knees . some men could take me from this position , but not bogdan . i move back with ease , and he falls forward , his nose now crushed in the carpet . `` you should take poison , bogdan . it seems fast-acting . '' `` stop , nikolai . i turn and put my arms out . in the plate window beyond , i can see myself , thick cheeked in my red bellman 's uniform . i look like a clown . a clown with a glock 23 and suppressor . `` you come to me , bogdan . i have job to do . then i 'm done . `` you 'll never get out , '' bogdan snarls . `` none of us ever do . '' `` that is what they said when i was six and taken in by alexandr 's crew . that i 'd never get out . bogdan looks torn between wanting to hit me and cry . instead , he begs me . `` i can not take you with me , bogdan . i am in the middle of a job , one that you interrupted . '' `` take me into your network . make me disappear . i hate it when they beg . it is an attempt to manipulate me through unsavory means . through feelings , when they know i have none . `` i know you have a network you work with . i can be part of that network . you just need to give me a little hand . '' bogdan offers this . `` bullshit , bogdan , '' i chastise , `` always trying to sell out . at the first sign of danger to yourself , you are bargaining . what else will you bargain with ? what information can you provide ? '' bogdan is beginning to cry . soon , no doubt , he will piss himself . the room already smells like a urinal . `` i can not trust you , bogdan . you have no allegiance . '' we are no different ! '' whatever sympathy i have for bogdan disappears . i curl my lip at him . `` you and i are nothing alike . i would not sell out a trusted friend or partner for my life . '' `` you would for a girl . '' for a moment my heart stops . how does bogdan know of daisy ? it takes every ounce of control i have not to attack him , to act nonchalant . to pretend like terror is n't taking over my body , because if i let it , i will start fileting off his skin until he gives me answers . `` a girl , bogdan ? is there some pravadian whore i 'm in love with ? '' bogdan sniffs with one side of his nose . `` someday there will be . '' ahh , bogdan knows nothing . i walk toward the hotel room door , relief washing through me like a balm . `` someday , '' bogdan screams behind me . `` someday , like aleksandr , some girl will be your downfall . '' i stop with my white-gloved hand on the door and my back to bogdan . `` then i will have lived for something important in my life . '' `` bring me your mercy then , '' bogdan pleads . `` you know i can not take the poison . bogdan is catholic . he crosses himself before each kill , rape , assault . he believes that if he takes the poison , he 'll go to hell . not because of any of the deeds he committed , but because he believes taking his own life means that his last deed will be a sin . i rub the inscription on my chest . i can hear the whimpering pleas behind me . mercy , then . i turn and shoot . when i arrive at the airport , i am met with the news that my return flight is delayed . i bargain with the ticket counter , offering more money and nearly losing my temper in an effort to get a quicker flight back . my phone has remained annoyingly silent . i do not know if daisy has gone to the cafe without me .	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i saw bennett 's eyes go from the drawer to me , a questioning expression on his face . `` chloe always has treasures for you , does n't she carebear ? '' rosalie added from across the room . the little girl nodded and kissed my cheek again before climbing back into her uncle 's arms . bennett 's expression was one of shock but he did n't comment as he stood . `` well , '' he started , looking at carrington . `` i may not be as pretty as ms. chloe , but i may have something for my little carebear if she 's been a good girl . '' `` jolie , '' she whispered , her fingers touching his shiny , messy hair . he laughed as he nodded . jolie , pretty . can you tell me more ? '' he pointed to her nose . `` le nez ! '' `` magnifique , ma petite cherie ! he asked , his finger lightly brushing over her eyes . `` les yeux , '' she answered after a moment of thought . i looked at rosalie , who shook her head at me . `` they do this every time they see each other . '' i turned back to them and watched , amazed to see this side of bennett . it seemed strange now to realize that i had never actually seen them together , rosalie or emmett always took her straight into his office after visiting me , and he never came out . mouth ? '' she scrunched her face up as she thought . `` la bouche ! '' she exclaimed , obviously thrilled with herself . `` present now ? '' she looked at him pleadingly and returned to winding her fingers through his hair . `` now how can i resist the prettiest girl in the whole world , '' he answered , winking at me as he turned towards his office . the sound of her squealing drew me to his door and i watched as he sat at his desk while blowing raspberries on her neck . she laughed and he placed her on his lap , pulling a beautifully wrapped gift from a bottom drawer. `` bennett , '' rosalie warned . he waved her off , watching as carrington began pulling the satin bow topping the gift . `` he always does this , buys her things that are far too expensive for a little girl . `` oh shush , rosalie . how could i possibly spoil the most beautiful little girl in the world ? '' he said against her hair . i watched as he helped her remove the shiny paper and pulled from the box the most beautiful pink dress i 'd ever seen . rosalie shouted . carrington 's mouth fell open in awe as her little hands touched the delicate fabric. `` jolie , '' she whispered reverently . `` yes , very pretty . i thought you might like a new dress for our next tea party . she wrapped her arms around his neck and they spoke to each other in hushed tones , seemingly oblivious that there were others in the room . this will go on and on . let 's get to lunch . bennett , '' she called back to him . `` if she gets to be too much , take her to emmett . '' i nodded , but found it nearly impossible to pull myself away from the sight of bennett and the little girl , as things i 'd never imagined began running through my mind . i turned to find rose standing next to the door , waiting for me , and reluctantly pulled myself away . the drive to the restaurant was slightly awkward , and i hoped i might get out of having to talk to her about what happened , until rosalie broke the silence . i turned to her in disbelief . `` i know , i know , shocking . '' she sighed deeply and looked as if she were still formulating what she wanted to say . `` chloe , i 'm very protective of my family , but ... even i can admit that i may have overreacted . i still do n't agree with what you two were doing ... or should i say where you were doing it ... '' she paused , seemingly grossed out for a moment but soon recovered . `` but you 're both adults , and it 's really none of my business . '' i smiled at her , silently accepting her apology . `` i 'm assuming though that it 's over ? '' i swallowed loudly and tried to formulate a believable response . `` i knew it , '' she said shaking her head . `` i love my husband , but he can be such an idiot sometimes . you were in bennett 's apartment yesterday , were n't you ? '' i looked down , debating lying , before deciding to just stick with the truth . `` huh , '' was her only response . i waited for her to say something else , but she did n't . we drove in silence , both of us lost in our own thoughts . my stomach churned and i was grateful i had n't eaten today . `` you two are n't very good at hiding it , you know . '' `` i 'm sorry , rose .	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the two of them clicked , and after a whirlwind courtship , they got married . they both seem happy . it 's just that ... '' her voice faltered and she left the rest unsaid . the waitress delivered the pie and coffee and , grateful for the interruption , lesley reached for her purse and took out a tissue . `` my friends forgot that today was the day tony and i 'd chosen for the wedding . '' `` in retrospect , i do n't know if i miss him as much as i miss the idea of the wedding . you know , starting off our marriage with this beautiful celebration , this perfect day ... . '' he nodded . `` and i guess i became so involved in getting ready for the wedding that i did n't realize how unhappy and restless tony had become . when he asked for time to think about everything , i was shocked . i should 've known then that something was really wrong , that it was n't just pre-wedding jitters . as it turned out , it was good old-fashioned guilt . he 'd met april-oh , we all work at the same elementary school , '' she explained . `` teachers ? '' `` anyway , he was attracted to april , and she was attracted to him , and the whole thing got out of control ... . i 'm sure you get the picture . '' it seems to me that your friend 's a fool . '' lesley laughed , but it sounded more like a hiccup . `` we 're still friends , or at least he tries to be my friend . i do n't know what i feel-not anymore . it all happened months ago , but it still hurts and i ca n't seem to put it behind me . '' `` it 's only human that you should feel hurt and betrayed , especially today . '' `` yes , i know , but it 's much more than that . tony felt terrible and with all of us working together , well , that just makes it more difficult . i asked the school district for a transfer but when tony heard about it , he asked me not to . he did n't think i should disrupt my life and why ca n't we still be friends , blah , blah , blah . the problem is he feels so guilty . '' `` i knew i was making a mistake , but i withdrew the request . '' lesley was n't sure why she was discussing her broken engagement , especially with a stranger . it felt better to speak of it somehow , to lift some of the weight of her unhappiness . lesley lowered her eyes and took a deep breath . `` listen , i 'm sorry to burden you with this , '' she said in a calmer tone . `` no , you needed to talk and i 'm honored that you told me . have you been seeing anyone since ? '' lesley sliced off a bite of her pie . `` lately i find myself feeling cynical about relationships . i 'm almost convinced love , marriage and all that simply are n't worth the effort-although i would like children someday , '' she added thoughtfully . `` cynical , huh ? does that mean you do n't date at all ? `` i do n't date and i do n't intend to for a long time . i 'm not feeling very sympathetic toward men , either . on the way to the store just now , i saw the most ridiculous billboard . some guy 's advertising for a bride , and instead of feeling sorry for him , i laughed . '' `` why would you feel sorry for the guy ? '' he 'd already finished his pie and was cradling the ceramic mug of coffee with both hands . what kind of man advertises for a wife ? one who 's old and ugly and desperate , right ? '' `` if he ca n't find a wife any other way , there must be something wrong with him . if that is n't cause for sympathy i do n't know what is . '' `` you think the women who respond will be old and ugly , as well ? '' chase asked , frowning . `` and desperate ? '' `` heavens , i would n't know . i do n't understand men . i 've tried , but i seem to be missing something . tony was the only man i ever considered marrying and ... well , i 've already told you what happened to that relationship . '' `` in other words , you 'd never think of dating a man who advertised for a wife ? '' `` never , '' she assured him emphatically . `` but my guess is that he 'll get plenty of takers . '' `` the old coot 's probably lonely and looking for a little female companionship , '' chase supplied . `` exactly , '' she agreed , smiling as she mentally envisioned the man who was so desperate he 'd advertise for a wife . `` like i said , i could n't even feel a little empathy for the guy . that 's how cynical i am now . '' `` yes , you told me you laughed . '' `` you think other women will laugh , too ? 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very refreshed , and ... '' i nodded , thanked him , and ran to the bathroom . the upstairs one , far away from anywhere asher would be . he probably looked at me quizzically and laughed to himself , but i scurried up the stairs as quick as i could so i never saw any of that . the image in my head , the thought of it , that was more than enough to make me feel embarrassed all over again . i did n't actually need to use the bathroom , not quite , but i freshened up anyways . when i looked in the mirror , i looked fine , mostly . some quick touch-ups would fix any obvious hair issues , and i was n't so vain that i needed to always wear makeup no matter what . i did look somewhat glowing , though . probably , i assumed , because of the blushing , but asher did n't need to know that , nor the reason behind it . relax , jessika , i told myself . breathing in and out , some makeshift zen meditation , i released my pent up worries and took in good energy . that was the idea , at least , though who could say if i did it right . maybe i should look into that ? it seemed useful and thinking about it served as a good distraction while i relaxed into normalness . when i rejoined asher downstairs , he was talking on his cell phone . no , it wo n't be a problem . i 'm interested to read the reports . i 'll have someone there to take care of things , too . he hung up the phone and put it on the kitchen countertop . `` everything , '' he said , `` is great . i 've just learned that my director of public relations is returning to landseer tower today with news and a report . i can only hope its good , but i 'm sure he has everything under control . '' `` solomon , '' asher said . `` solomon royce . he 's done good work for me , though i do n't understand his methods exactly . always away doing this or that , sparking interest in company holdings , doing press releases , that kind of thing . i could n't manage any of it for the life of me , so i 'm glad to have him , but sometimes it 's confusing since i do n't understand most of what his reports are about . '' `` ca n't you ask him ? '' i 'd thought of asher as something of a genius in the business world and finding out that there were things he did n't understand was somewhat jarring . he gives me explanations and books to read and i 've read them , but the way he puts so much information in reports and discusses everything in such detail , it 's like i need a translator to understand it . i 'd love to be more active in public relations , at least behind the scenes , but solomon has a hold on it so it does n't matter too much . '' `` i do n't mean to pry , but ... '' he shrugged . `` no , i know what you 're getting it . it 's really not a good idea , generally speaking . i should at least have some understanding of that side of my business , but i trust him . i pay him enough , so i should n't have to worry about him leaving the company any time soon , anyways . '' the last part was apparently a joke . i was n't a businessperson . i was n't even involved in any real business , public relations or not , so i doubted i could judge anything asher did . but , still , it seemed off to me . `` speaking of solomon , '' asher said . `` he 's actually returning at a bad time . i always have someone to take care of his needs in his office , but the woman who usually does it is on vacation . i did n't expect him back so soon . i was wondering if maybe ... '' `` are you asking me to do it ? '' not really an asher landseer look . more relaxed and comfortable and endearing . i smiled back , caught off guard . `` if you would n't mind , '' he said . `` i 'll pay you , of course . you can come in with me and jeremy . i 'll find suitable business attire . it should n't be anything difficult . sit in his office and wait for him , go deliver papers or pick something up . like a secretary , except not exactly . '' i do n't think there will be any problems . '' these were , one might say , famous last words . `` thanks , '' asher said , sounding genuine . you can sit back , relax , and enjoy the show . '' `` the breakfast show ? '' i asked , tittering . my god , was i some crazed school girl ? giggling in front of a grown man ? i lowered my eyes , self-conscious . he strode towards me and put his hand under my chin .	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see you in the hamptons ! isabelle coos , waving off another filthy-rich couple . they may have been boring as hell , but theyre paying twenty thousand dollars to charity for the chance to mingle here tonight . she turns back to me and gives a rueful smile . im beginning to see , its all just an act to her . the effortless socializing . the glossy socialite routine . shes not the person everyone thinks she is . shes so much more . i ask , handing her a glass of dom perignon . whoever you want me to be , she shoots back , smiling . i want to keep that smile on her beautiful face . i cant resist teasing . a stewardess ? a naughty nurse ? isabelle shrugs . anything or anyone . im a chameleon . i have many talents . her gaze has clouded over now , and thats when it hits me : shes tired of this . tired of pretending to be what everyone else wants her to be , pretending to be someone shes not . instinctively , my hand drops to the small of her back , bare above the draped fabric of her dress . i lean in and speak softly to her . and what if i just want you ? the real isabelle ? i see a flush rising in her cheeks , but i cant stop myself from continuing . what about her talents ? isabelle smiles again but its different this timetheres a new sparkle in her eye . you havent even begun to discover them . flirty , daring . in that case , what would i need to do to see these talents in action ? hmm , she says , batting her long eyelashes . i can think of a few things jesus , so can i . a waiter bustles past , and isabelle steps closer to let him by . her body presses against my side . her skin soft and supple under my grip . i slide my hand lower down her back , until my fingertips slip just beneath her dress . they rest there , inches above the swell of her pert ass . i dream about grabbing it tight , clutching those hips as i piston into her from behind . spanking her . showing her the exquisite line between pleasure and pain . isabelle doesnt move away . she turns her face to me , those wide blue eyes gazing up at me , questioning . awaiting my next move . im hard as a rock now , from just one touch of her body . surrounded by people , desperate to bury myself between those velvet thighs . ive never responded to a woman this way . i love and loathe it in equal measure . but i know its all wrong . ill be right back , i snap , pulling my hand away . i register hurt in her eyes before i stride across the room . i find the bathroom and duck inside , running ice-cold water over my hands until the bulge in my pants subsides . i stare grimly at my reflection . my life is neat , organized . theres the man i am when im at work , in the public eye . cool , calm and collected . and theres the man i am when im at the club or in the privacy of my own home . i think of the secret room at the top of the stairs . i made sure to double-check that the door was locked before i went to bed last night . the last thing i want is for isabelle to discover what im hiding in there . she looked so terrified at the underground when brent and that other jerk were working her over . theres no way she would ever want to try that again . i can just imagine the look on her face if she knew the truth . exactly which activities i enjoyed behind closed doors . but i know a classy , normal girl like isabelleshe would be disgusted . the thought of her disgust keeps my desire in check . i head back out to the party . i find isabelle laughing gaily at some stuffed-shirts stupid joke . she puts her hand on his arm and he puffs up with pride . i arrive at them and take her arm . the man with her takes one look at me and quickly excuses himself . isabelle gives me a stubborn look . maybe im not ready to leave . does she really want to go flirt with that guy some more ? im jealous as hell , but i know i have no right to be . still , im not going to stick around and watch it . im leaving , i say sharply . isabelle blinks , startled at my response , and right away , i feel shitty for snapping at her . ill come with you , she says quickly . i insist , turning away . what is it about her that gets me so worked up ? i walk briskly to the exit . i wonder if i should have left her here to her own devices , but no , just the thought of her turning that million-dollar smile on another man makes me tense with rage . the ride home is strained and silent .	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["rode", 4343], ["silent", 4371]]
when he swung the door open to find a smiling ella before him , looking young and beautiful in a green dress and sandals , he felt his bad mood start to slide . how could you be pissed with something so damn perfect standing in front of you . he could feel his resolve starting to falter as he grabbed her hand to pull her inside . `` i just left beth 's and thought you might like some bagels , so i- '' that was as far as she got before he hauled her into his arms and his mouth came crashing down on hers . he heard the bag hit the floor with a thud as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders , pressing her curves against him . within moments , her dress was down at her waist and her panties were torn and sliding down her legs . when his hand found her sex he groaned . `` ellie , you 're so wet . wrap your legs around me , baby , i need to f*k you . he lowered the waist of his jogging shorts , freeing his cock . she let out a wild moan as he positioned himself at her entrance , rubbing back and forth in her warm heat . unable to hold out another moment , he surged forward , burying his length in her . `` declan , mmmm , feels so good . '' the sound of her voice seemed to break the last shreds of his control and his hps pounded forward . she locked her ankles behind him , lifting her hps to meet him thrust for thrust . he leaned down to take one nipple into his mouth , nipping the tip sharply . he felt her body shudder at the small bite of pain mixed with pleasure . he went wild when she repeated the move on his nipple . feeling those small teeth against his nub , sent him off into orbit . he set a relentless pace and she was with him every step of the way . `` i ca n't hold back any longer baby . '' that was all it took to push her off the end along with him . their shouts of completion filled the apartment . anyone unfortunate enough to be walking down the hall at that moment would get more than they bargained for . too weak to stand for much longer , he staggered back until he felt the couch against his knees . he collapsed on a soft cushion and ella sprawled on top of him . when they had both caught their breath , she pulled back giving him an impish grin . `` i guess this means you 'll take me to the new expendables movie ? it 's got everyone in it , including jason statham . i just loved him in all of the transporter movies . '' feeling his chest shake , she pulled back wrinkling her nose in an adorable fashion that was all ella . `` you know you make my dick hard when you start talking about stuff like that . your bad-girl side is so damn hot , ellie . '' she gave him a grin , slowly swiveling her hps against his ever-growing erection . `` you like bad girls , mr . pulling her hps down and grinding against her clit , he growled , `` you bet your sweet ass i do , as long as they are you . '' her laugh turned into a moan as he bucked upwards , sliding deeper into her hot depths . declan knew it would be a miracle if they made it to work on time now . but how could he be expected to walk away from the beautiful woman riding him now with such abandon ? chapter eighteen `` alright , where did you go ? '' ella knew she must be giving beth a blank look but she had no idea what she was talking about . beth rolled her eyes , `` that 's about the third time you 've zoned out on me . i even told you my vag*a was on fire and you did n't even blink . '' ella felt herself blush . she was supposed to be helping beth with her wedding plans , but instead she was obsessing over declan . `` do you think it 's weird that declan did n't invite me to meet his family today ? evan was spending the day with him at his place and brant and ava were coming over to meet him . '' beth dropped the bridal magazine she had been holding in her lap . `` oh honey , i do n't think so . you know how weird men are . '' `` you met nick 's parents really early on did n't you ? '' `` well sure , but they are also gray 's parents so it was kind of hard not to and , heck , those two are more like buddies than parents . '' `` i know it 's silly , '' ella signed , `` but he acted almost guilty about it , like he was intentionally keeping me away . we went to dinner and a movie last night . we went back to my place , which usually leads to ... well , you know . instead , i got a kiss , just one , and then he focused on some point past my shoulder and told me he had to get going because he had an early morning since evan was coming over for the day .	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i wish i wouldve known you then because i wouldve tried to help you in any way i could . i love you more then you realize . youve helped me open up and showed me how to live life outside of my parents walls . you taught me how to lovereally lovea here came the deep breath . you can do this bryn , i told myself , this needs to happen . but i dont think i can do this . i mean usboyfriend and girlfriendanymore . i cant date someone who kept something damn near life threatening from me and be happy go lucky after hearing it . truth be told , you scare me sometimes . i dont think i can handle being your girlfriend and touring with you at the same time . i guessed that was the long version of saying i wanted to break up . the tears were starting to come back even harder than when i was outside . i felt like a bitch for saying everything i just after he explained most of his story ; i still wanted to be there for him and be part of his support system while we finished out the tour , but i couldnt be his girlfriend . cale stood there completely silent . i tried to read his face , which was covered in dry blood , but his expression was unreadable . my first instinct was to grab a towel and help clean him up , but after what i just said to him i was pretty sure he would kick me out of the band . if thats what you think is best , he quietly replied before going into the bathroom . everyone gradually came back in as hal was getting ready to drive us to a hotel for the night . i tried to avoid their stares , but the questions were going to be inevitable . gina and bethany kissed their guys on the lips and without a word took me into the back bedroom . weve still got ice cream in the freezer , hun . were getting you under the covers and ginas going to put in a non-romantic movie . bethany spoke softly as her arms guided me into the bed . i stripped off my clothes , minus my underwear and bra . gina grabbed the laptop , a night shirt for me , and of course the ice cream . they didnt even have to ask anything about what happened . im sure they overheard anyway . we curled up under the blankets as the three of us watched american pie and dug into the pint of cookie dough ice cream , which tasted like pure heaven to me . especially after i made a decision that would affect not just me , but everyone else in the band for a long time to come . my tears were subsiding to laughter as we cracked up at some of the funniest parts in the movie . no one spoke a word until i set the empty pint on the nightstand and turned off the laptop . i still cant believe he lied to you , bethany said with a frown as we grabbed an overnight bag after hal told us we were at the hotel . i slipped on a pair of shorts underneath my night shirt , not even bothering to change into something half way decent . i cant believe it either , i nearly whispered , my hand clutching the bag handles tightly . its justi dont get it . its been going on for this long . like wouldnt you get help ? i would try at least , gina replied . but maybe they guys have tried to help him and cale pushes them away . we dont know the full story . i know raptor hasnt mentioned anything about cale abusing pills . yeah , luke hasnt either , bethany told me . raptor told us what happened backstage before they started to fight out in the lot . as soon as vince and luke heard the commotion they shared one of those strange looks , like they were both thinking the exact same thing at the same moment . still , it was a dick move for him to lie to you . if he really loved you like he said he did , then he shouldve told you from the very start , gina defended me as we got off the bus and walked towards the hotel entrance . gina texted raptor to make sure cale was nowhere near them when we got off the bus , which was proven to be difficult since they were chewing his ass out for screwing things up with me , and apparently he wanted to come find me to win me back . only after a few hours ? we rode in the elevator to the floor where our room was . my mind kept replaying what i said to cale , the look on his face when i said i couldnt do our relationship anymore . it was painful to think about because it had just happened , but i had to be strong . we were still bandmates , and i wanted to be his friend . i wanted to be the girl that helped him quit this addiction once and for all . i wanted to still be his shoulder that he could lean on and would help him take the steps to get him help . whether it be rehab , intervention , i didnt have a clue . now that i knew , it was going to take all of his brothers and myself to figure a way to fix cale before it was too late .	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its bullshit , he announces that morning on the way to the studio . i mean , i cant even afford to fly business class to monaco , for crying out loud . he laughs at my serious expression when i say it . were living in the subway and making them rich . derek , enjoy this while it lasts . we could get the boot next show . none of this is guaranteed , and were only one so-so performance away from the street again . if we can make four hundred a day even a couple times per week , we win , okay ? he nods , and we pick up the pace . i just get pissed off when i think about it . what was it you said the other night ? we need to keep our eyes on the prize . nothing can come between us and our goal . it feels snarky to remind him , but im not feeling all that generous this morning , after another long night wishing i was in a room with him instead of in the bowels of the subway system . ill chill . but its still unfair . i let him have the last word . maybe it is unfair . thats how the world works . those with power abuse those without . im completely clear on which camp i fall into , but it seems like dereks forgetting . the shows great , and i see sabrina was right it does get easier . i even find myself talking more during the interview part , relaxed and easy , the glare of the set lighting and the blinking of cameras now just part of the background noise . i have lunch with jeremy again the day before the second show , and hes changed his hair color to shocking blue . somehow it fits . he looks happy and regales me with stories about auditions he went on , his crappy job and the spoiled snots he has to serve with a smile , and his roommate , whos becoming a problem he lost his job and hasnt been able to get another one , and jeremys worried hell show up one evening after work to find the roommate cleared out . neither of us talk about the next days show . were both afraid that doing so might jinx it , although it didnt have that effect the last time . when i say good-bye , he gives me a big hug and a peck on each cheek , and for a minute i almost believe that we might make it to the finals . when i meet derek at two , i immediately smell alcohol on him . i ask him what hes been up to , and he explains that he met a couple of fans who recognized him and who bought him a few rounds . apparently nobody cards in new york or at least nobody cards derek , which doesnt surprise me . he looks mid-twenties to people who dont know him . i dont want to bag on him for drinking . my instinct is to say something , but i suspect thats my life with good old mom surfacing , so i bite back any smart remarks . dereks happy , in a good mood , and hes talking about the future , about what well do when we win . not my favorite topic , because it seems like building castles in the air is setting us up for disappointment . he keeps yammering , though , and i wonder exactly how much he drank hes usually sensitive to my signals , but right now hes missing all of them . the next day were at the theater four hours early , and this time i let the hairdresser do whatever she wants . she takes a little more time , washes my hair and touches up the roots again , and then breaks out the gel and the blow drying . by the time shes done , i cant tell whether i like it or hate it its parted in the center , the bangs held back with a couple of bobby pins , very retro . the makeup guy goes heavier on the eyes this time , and when hes done , i think i look like katy perrys trashy little sister . but everyones telling me its the bomb , so i roll with it . we draw numbers again , and this time derek and i are second to last . jeremys griping for the opposite reason he got the dreaded number one . i try to comfort him , but hes a bundle of nerves . jeremy , number one means the audience is fresh . they love you from last week . just go out and blow them away . number one is the kiss of death . right , but how ? i mean , lets think about this . what happened to number one from last week ? i realize my mistake as soon as i say it , and flush . jeremy holds my gaze and speaks in a monotone . reggae mon . got the five-finger death punch seconds in . jeremy , listen to me . dont psych yourself out . what are you singing tonight ? a little bruno mars . youll be sick . your voice was made for that . stop trying to make me feel good . apparently my mouth has no off switch tonight . you sound like derek .	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one disgruntled look from finn told her he could do without the holiday craziness . `` but you have n't been to navy pier yet . '' `` another time , '' he pleaded . `` i do n't think i can take much more of these crowds , let alone the noise . '' carrie had no complaints , watching as he once again ran his hand over his smooth cheeks as though he felt nak*d. he 'd arrived at her apartment that morning clean shaven , and for just an instant she had n't recognized the man standing in front of her . she had n't asked him to shave and had been both shocked and delighted . `` and you keep staring at me . '' `` sorry , i ca n't stop myself . i had no idea you were such a hunk . '' he chuckled as if she 'd made a joke , but she was n't kidding . the minute her friends took one look at him , they 'd be all over finn , especially sophie . she frowned , disliking the thought . he asked , as he paid their tab and collected their purchases . finn reached for her hand , gripping it in his own as they started out of the restaurant . it amazed her how easily he read her mood . `` what makes you think anything is wrong ? '' `` i just got an inkling of how you felt with me spending the evening with dave . '' they wove their way around busy tables toward the front of the well-known chicago pizza restaurant . he paused , frowning , his brow folding into thick ripples . `` i was imagining my friends meeting you , and i realized they are going to want you for themselves . you 're mine , finn , all mine . '' his eyes grew dark and serious . `` no one is going to turn my head , carrie . it simply is n't possible . '' carrie and finn walked back to her condo , bundles in hand . until that morning finn mentioned that the only clothes shopping he 'd done in years had been through catalogs or online . it 'd been a true test of the strength of their relationship when it came to choosing dress slacks and a sweater for him . all in all , he 'd been more than patient , but she could appreciate his unease . once back at her condo , finn collapsed onto her sofa , spreading out his arms along the back cushion . her tree was up but had yet to be decorated , and although it was only four feet tall , it took up one entire corner of her living room . finn had placed a gift under it first thing that morning . she eyed it now , wrapped in plain brown paper . she picked it up , held it close to her ear , and shook it . `` i doubt it 's a can opener . '' you have to wait until christmas . '' carrie reluctantly set it back down . `` you 're taunting me , and that simply is n't fair . '' `` i think you 'll be pleased '' was all finn was willing to tell her . over the years she 'd received a variety of gifts from the men she 'd dated , but finn 's gifts were distinctive in every way . it was n't likely she would ever forget that toaster . carrie went over to her television and removed a dvd from her collection . `` is it a romance ? i do n't think i could sit through a chick flick-not after the last three hours . '' she sat down close to him and reached for her remote control , pushing the appropriate button . right away he slid his arm around her shoulders and then let it drop . `` the bishop 's wife ? '' he muttered as the title flashed across the screen . `` it 's in black and white . '' `` yes , years ago ... '' `` it 's my favorite christmas movie . '' `` ah ... '' `` shhh , you 'll miss the introduction . '' his arm was back , and she pressed her head against his shoulder . he grumbled , but she noticed that he was soon into the movie . every now and again he would lean forward and kiss her temple . carrie snuggled into his embrace . she loved that they could cuddle and be this close . this is one of the best lines of any movie ever . '' carrie mouthed the words along with cary grant as he spoke to loretta young . finn sat up slightly . `` you 've memorized the movie ? '' like i said , it 's one of my favorites . '' it thrilled her that he was with her and they could view it together . what she loved was how much he seemed to be enjoying it , too . `` just how many times have you watched this silly movie ? '' `` it is n't a silly movie , '' she insisted , knowing that he enjoyed teasing her . `` have you ever seen the replacement killers ? '' `` yuck , no . 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for now they reflected it , much like an animals . that we actually get a moment to relax . i dont think weve spent any time alone since weve met . tristan turned his head to look at her . did he feel uncomfortable here pretending to be her boyfriend ? do your eyes always do that at night ? she bit her lip as soon as the words were out . he looked away and when he looked back , his eyes were normal . i guess i got too comfortable with you . i know it probably freaks you out . sophie set her mug on the porch railing beside her . i know what its like having to hide who you are from the person youre with . she stammered when she realized shed implied that they were together . not that were together for real or anything . a corner of his lips turned upward . i just want you to know that you dont have to hide who you are from me . you dont freak me out . she finished , her voice trailing off at the end . he set the hot chocolate on the windowsill next to him . sophie sighed and , determined not to make a complete fool of herself , looked out over the lawn . the moonlight lit up the willows . it made sophie think of fairy lands and elven kingdoms . she could almost see the past , darting in and out of the moonlit willows . her and todd as children ; running around , pretending to be superheroes or knights rescuing innocents . tristans deep voice pulled her back to the present . when she turned to look at him , his solemn eyes reflected the moonlight back at her . sophie wished hed smile again . the urge to lean toward him was hypnotic . she wanted to drown in the magnetism he gave off and never surface . it was calm , protective , gentle . it wrapped around her and pulled her closer . i dont want to pretend anymore . sophie snapped back , her face red . was she the only one who felt the pull ? she couldnt believe she was so stupid . just because they were attracted to each other in a past life didnt mean they had to be now . maybe she was coloring the present with the past . i crossed a line , didnt i ? made you uncomfortable ? he cocked his head to the side while she rambled on . i cant believei was justyou can go home if you want . lilli and jackson can give me a ride back . sophie shrugged her shoulders and snapped her mouth shut . the more she talked , the more foolish she sounded . the swing creaked as he leaned closer . the t-shirt he wore stretched across his shoulders when he brought a hand up and placed it on the side of her neck . like prey to his animal side , she was afraid to move . the spot where their skin met sparked with energy . his eyes darkened , still reflecting moonlight . he tipped his head closer , never releasing her from his gaze . still , she didnt move . her breath caught in her throat as his essence not only wrapped around her , it linked with her own . it was a wholly new experience , intimate and frightening . then his lips brushed hers . her eyelids fluttered shut as a wave of emotion and heat washed over her . her mind went blank , focused only on the sensations he awakened . his other arm went around her waist and brought her closer . pulses of energy shot between them , binding them so closely they would never be separate again . she could see into his mind , and he into hers . pieces of his past flashed by . a birthday party when he was younger , his first date , then a womans voice . harsh , unforgiving . telling him he was a monster . the shock of that memory , and his despair at seeing it , shook them both . tristan lifted his head , severing the memory but not the connection , and kept his arms around her . slowly , sophies reasoning surfaced and she blushed . she was practically sitting in his lap . on her parents front porch . his voice was husky as she looked down into his face . she wanted to trace his strong jaw line with her fingertips . instead , she moved off of him and back onto the swing . who called you a monster ? her question surprised them both . so , i guess you can see into my memories ? sophie knew whoever had said it hurt him deeply . she wanted to hunt them down . the anger she felt for him terrified her . out of anything he could have said , that was the least she expected . his mom had called her own son a monster ? sophie reached for his hand . his profile was magnificent in its anger . his jaw clenched and while his fingers gently intertwined with hers , his being radiated dismay . a thousand beasts lay beneath the surface of his skin , clawing to break free , and shed never felt safer . that night , after jackson and i realized what we could do , i wanted to show it to her .	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the wedding guests all ooed and ahhed at the sight and began to clap . issy opened her eyes and blinked up at tristans smiling face . issy inwardly squealed . tristan saved me ! tristan had caught her just like a fairytale prince . t-t-tristan , issy stuttered in surprise . you caught me ? looks like it , babe . tristans brow furrowed as he looked at issys face intently taking in her caramel and chocolate colored eyes and her multi-colored hair . i think i know youno , i do know you . k-know me ? and yet you want to marry me pretty badly . tristan leaned in close , putting his nose in the crook of issys neck and breathing in deep . mmmyou smell like sugar cookies and vanilla . issy shivered as tristan nuzzled her neck . i remember this scent from somewhereand your eyesyour hair . tristan continued with this fierce look in his bi-colored eyes . why cant i remember . rule number two of the shadow stalker association : a shadow stalker can never be seen by his/her target . no , you really dont ! issy exclaimed as she leapt out of tristans arms and took off running towards the exit of the ballroom . tristan called after her . he would have pursued her , however , the supermodels suddenly tackled the chocolatier to the floor . wheres the bouquet ? it was just here ! that little girl stole it ! the supermodels shouted to each other as they raced around the ballroom . meanwhile , issy continued to run . she ran out of the ballroom , through the hotel lobby , and out the front door . she made her way over to her mountain bike ( yep , the kind you have to pedal ) and hopped on . the stalker began to pedal her way back to her apartment building . issy couldnt believe what had just happened . she looked down at her right hand that was still clutching the bouquet . shed gotten the bouquet , and not only that - tristan had caught her and nuzzled her neck . ill never wash my neck again ! *** tristan felt disoriented as he was tackled to the floor by the supermodels , but not because of the impact . he was dazed because he felt like hed just seen a ghost - a girl hed suspected was his guardian angel in the flesh . the girl who saved me more than a year ago flashback it was not unusual for tristans father , adrian savant , to use tristan to seal certain business deals . adrian had noticed tristans odd ability to charm people early on , and had decided to put it to good use . adrian savant was ceo of the popular french bakery franchise la boulangerie savant that was giving dunkin donuts and starbucks a run for their money . anytime adrian was having a difficult time convincing a landlady to sell her land for a new la boulangerie savant location , or sell a competitors lease , or to join the franchise , adrian would send tristan in to seduce her and convince her otherwise . yes , hed basically prostituted his own son for business . this enabled adrian to cluster several la boulangerie savant shops in a small area therefore saturating the market . adrian would also buyout the local bakeries in the area and those with female owners who didnt want to sellwell , hed have his son tristan convince them . adrian didnt feel guilty about using his son because tristan wasnt even human . a succubus had seduced him one night and hed remembered the encounter . nine months later the same succubus demon appeared before him with a baby in her arms and handed it to him - like an offering , a gift . the child had demonic bi-colored eyes . he was a little monster but adrian had had the feeling hed be useful somehow after all the child was from a supernatural world no one believed in anymore . hed soon figured out his son was an incubus - or sex demon merely by observing the reactions of females including his own wife and daughter to his son . it had been extraordinary . tristan for the most part put up with his fathers requests and had slept with whomever his father had told him to . it had been no skin off tristans nose since he needed sex in order to survive anyways . but after tristan had graduated from college - thats when his father finally went too far . adrian had told tristan to go to the hilton garden inn hotel . he was given a keycard for one of the hotel rooms and told to wait for his next conquest there . tristan did as he was told but as soon as he entered the hotel room someone injected his neck with something that knocked him out cold . when tristan regained consciousness he was naked and handcuffed to the headboard of a bed . and there was a man there with him .	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but officially , we werent divorced when she talked to me about it . i figured you were on the same page as me , supportive of her opportunity . the internship was a unique opportunity . he was financing it so what was she objecting to , really ? youll keep the home repairs to a minimum , please ? its a sales strategy . my realtor advised its the smart thing to do . itll attract more potential buyers . your realtor ? irritation crept into her voice . yes , uh , i believe we were supposed to agree mutually on a realtor . thats what the judge said . her new life slapped her in the face and she felt the sting of tears in her eyes . to prevent him from detecting it , she turned and headed for the kitchen . she ignored the summons and didnt stop till she reached the refrigerator . for something to do , she opened the freezer and stared at its contents . les . he stood so close behind her she could smell his cologne . shed bought it for him last christmas . for that matter , shed bought the shirt he wore , and shed dragged him out to the mall to pick out and try on the shoes . she was giving her very best effort to hold it together when he squeezed her forearm . her tears finally escaped , rolling slowly down both cheeks . ahh , les . his voice softened , tenderized till it was a whisper that caressed her broken heart . he pulled her close and buried his face in her hair , and she went with it . her body and mind turned to mush as she breathed him in , fitting so naturally against him . hed held her like this a million times over the lifetime theyd shared . but now , it was wrong . that stack of papers still sitting on the kitchen table over there declared it , and theyd both signed . she pushed away and turned her back . she was taking a moment to recover when he said it . im sorry , leslie . how many times had she ached to hear those words , that sentiment ? how many times had she laid alone in her dark bed , wondering what shed done to push him away ? had she let herself go , had she let the spark leave their marriage ? was it somehow her fault hed strayed ? its something im going through right now . something , i dont know , something i cant seem to control . drag her fingers through her hair , grab hold of the ends and pull . let loose with the worst-sounding shriek of her life . instead , she turned to face him . im going upstairs to take a bath . please finish up here and leave . he nodded and she scooted past him up the stairs to soak . * * * the next morning , the alarm shrilled at 6:15 . she groaned and reached over to silence it , stubbornly refusing to open her eyes . why oh why had she let her school day alarm awake her ? she lay motionless , wondering if her body would allow her to slip back into slumber . obliviously . because if she slept late , it would mean fewer waking hours shed have to fill . twenty minutes later , no luck . not only had she not drifted back to sleep , she was now wide awake . where was a yawn when she wanted one ? she flipped back the comforter and stalked out of bed . in the kitchen , she made coffee and sat down with the paper . she marked a few sales she could visit at the mall . that would kill time . she flipped the page and marked a fundraiser walk she could sign up for . exercise plus feed the hungry what could be better ? next page , garage sales were advertised . maybe find a hidden treasure . she pushed the paper away and sighed . she got up to refill her coffee cup and glanced at the digital clock on the coffee maker . 7:05 am . she let a frustrated breath escape . she needed a project . a job that would absorb her for days , maybe a week . something to take her mind off her empty , lonely summer stretching out interminably in front of her . then it hit her : one monstrous task that couldnt be ignored . giving the house a top-to-bottom cleaning , and throwing out the old stuff she wouldnt want in her new home . by the end of day 1 , she was comfortably sweaty and slightly sore at the knees . by the end of day 2 , she scanned the pile of stuff and marveled at how much junk had accumulated . on day 3 , as the estate sale service was driving down her street with their truck full of her discarded stuff , she made a conscious effort to control the sensation of panic gathering in her stomach and threatening to erupt into her lungs and throat . she watched the truck disappear around the corner , turned and walked into her nearly empty house . who wanted all that old furniture in a perky new condo anyway ? on day 4 , the phone rang . she tiptoed over the newly shampooed carpets , passed the rented shampooer and picked it up . hey , its me , tims deep voice said .	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simon slipped one hand around the back of her head and kissed her with a hunger that thrilled her . `` we 'll start with teaching you to accept my love , '' she whispered when he broke off the lengthy kiss . again he briefly closed his eyes . `` love is one thing , '' he muttered . `` but you want children . i do n't know about children except in theory . i 'm not good with them , '' he said . `` they cry and make messes in their diapers and drool . '' `` i do n't understand why people willingly submit themselves to the uncertainty and stress of raising children . '' even as he spoke she heard the longing in his voice . despite his claims to the contrary he desired a family , just like most people did . unable to resist a moment longer , she slid her arms around his waist and hugged him close . he resisted at first and attempted to break free . cassie held tight . smiling up at him , she stood on the tips of her toes , rested her hands on his shoulders and pressed her mouth to his . it was only a matter of seconds before he became fully involved in the kiss . when her legs were about to give way , simon tore his mouth from hers and stepped back , still holding on to her , which was a good thing . otherwise cassie would have collapsed in a heap on the floor . he wagged a warning finger at her . she felt she should probably apologize but giggled instead . oh , simon , you 're right . i do want children-your children . we 'll have very special babies . '' `` they wo n't cry and make messes and- '' `` of course they will , '' she said , nudging him . `` like i already said , i have no skills in this area . '' `` but i do n't , either . we 'll learn together , the way other parents do . '' she was n't sure if she 'd convinced him or not because he continued to stare at her . then , as if he 'd noticed the christmas decorations for the first time , he frowned and said , `` when you came to me , you talked about a perfect christmas . '' `` i 'm not big on christmas . '' `` i think that 's kind of a weak argument , '' she told him . `` seeing how every assignment you gave me had to do with the holidays . '' `` only because there 's a surfeit of them at this time of year . '' `` true , but there are plenty of others and you chose the christmas-related tasks . '' `` you 've found some hidden meaning in that ? '' it 's obvious to me that you enjoy the holidays . '' when he started to protest , she held up a hand . you enjoy watching other people enjoy christmas . you understand why it 's important to them , the same way you understand-in theory-why love and marriage and children are important . if you do n't like christmas , it 's because you 're alone . you do n't have anyone to share it with . but , simon , that 's about to change . '' `` are n't you making assumptions you have no business making ? '' `` is this really so difficult ? '' cassie gently laid her head against his chest and sighed meaningfully . his sigh echoed hers . `` oh , i give up . you knew i 'd fallen in love with you . '' he drew her toward him and rested his chin on her head . `` i hoped so . '' `` i do love you , cassie . '' he leaned down and shattered what remained of her composure with a single kiss . `` you seriously want to marry me ? '' `` more than i 've wanted anything in my entire life . '' you want children . '' she nodded , knowing he wanted them as much as she did . `` two or three , at least . '' `` you 're going to be a wonderful father . and a wonderful husband . '' `` our babies are going to inhabit my heart the same way you have . i see it happening already . '' he gazed down at her with such tenderness it nearly brought tears to her eyes . `` inhabit your heart , '' she repeated . `` and you 've moved into mine . '' `` i could n't forget you for even a second , '' he whispered , holding her close and breathing the words against her hair . `` i 'm not sure what it is about you that 's different from all the other women i 've met , the other women who fell in love with me ... or thought they did . i just know you were right when you told me i loved you . '' `` you 're right about christmas , too . '' `` am i so easy to read ? '' `` we 're going to have a very good life together , '' he murmured . `` and every christmas- '' her phone rang , interrupting him . cassie was content to let it ring until simon released her .	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`` they were written to a joan manry , and they 're from her soldier boyfriend . she worked in the shipyard during the war years , but mack does n't seem to think her family was originally from cedar cove . '' `` i do n't recognize the name , '' peggy said . she 'd been born and raised in cedar cove and had married bob beldon , her high school sweetheart . they 'd lived in the spokane area for a number of years and then returned to cedar cove to retire , buying the bed-and-breakfast . `` mack said there was an influx of families during the war years . '' `` they came to work in the shipyard . '' `` the young soldier who wrote the letters is called jacob dennison . corrie asked hopefully . corrie sighed . `` it 's such an intriguing mystery . '' `` what are mack and mary jo doing with the letters ? i wonder if either party is still alive . '' peggy checked her rearview mirror as she merged with the freeway traffic heading toward olympia , the state capital . `` mary jo wants to give them to the heirs if they can be located . mack and mary jo have told us quite a lot about those letters . they really are a treasure . '' `` i 'd like to see them sometime . '' when corrie murmured , `` oh , i would , too , '' peggy added , `` i occasionally look at bob 's letters from vietnam and ... well , they really bring back that whole time . '' they were silent for a while after that . `` the baby 's growing so fast , '' corrie eventually commented . `` mack asked if i 'd watch noelle for a couple of hours this past sunday so he could take mary jo to the movies . i loved every minute of it . '' `` are you ready to be a grandma ? '' peggy asked with a smile . corrie looked forward to it , but she suspected it would take a few years . unless , as she hoped , she inherited baby noelle as her granddaughter . that would thrill her , and mack , too . a marriage between mack and mary jo seemed increasingly likely . she was sure linnette would eventually marry , as well , although corrie had the feeling it would n't be for some time . her daughter was n't over losing cal washburn , who 'd broken her heart . as a result , linnette had quit her job , packed up her car and set out with no destination in mind . she 'd ended up in a small town in north dakota called buffalo valley . as a physician assistant she had a lot to offer the community , which had welcomed her with open arms . last christmas , buffalo valley had remodeled an old house to use as a medical clinic and hired her to run it . linnette was dating a farmer but corrie doubted the relationship was serious . at least , that was the impression she had , based on meeting the young man briefly and on what linnette had to say . in their previous conversation , corrie had asked about pete mason , and her daughter had quickly changed the subject . she surmised that the relationship had n't developed and linnette was easing her way out . `` gloria 's doing well ... i think , '' corrie said . `` how does she like working with the sheriff 's office here ? '' `` fine , as far as i know . '' gloria had made the transfer from the bremerton police to cedar cove as soon as an opening became available . she had only praise for sheriff troy davis and his department . corrie was delighted that their oldest daughter had gone into police work . roy 's career had been with the seattle police until he was forced into early retirement because of a back injury . they arrived at the outlet center just before ten , and stopped for coffee and a muffin before tackling any serious shopping . peggy described the rehearsals for the community theater 's new production . bob had won the role of jacob in the andrew lloyd webber musical , joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat . peggy , as usual , had volunteered to work on costumes . `` i ran into olivia the other day , '' peggy said between bites of her bran-and-cranberry muffin . `` she 's looking more like herself these days . '' corrie had ordered the same muffin and felt it was nowhere near as good as the ones peggy baked . `` olivia said she plans to return to work in september . '' corrie smiled on hearing that . the last time she 'd talked to olivia , the family-court judge was weighing her options and considering early retirement . apparently olivia had made her decision . `` oh , and i had lunch with faith beckwith last week , '' peggy said . `` she 's busy making plans for the wedding .	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