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Hello, I was watching my 2 year old and noticed him doing this w his head and eyes. Never seen him do this before. Lasted about 5 min, went away, he seems fine now.

I would show this video to your paediatrician. Could be a focal seizure. Could be an absence seizure as well. Also could be nothing. They might want to order an EEG., Thank you everyone, taking him into the ER. His OT said looks like a seizure., I filmed my daughter doing something similar and showed the doctor. Turned out to be an allergy headache. Videoing really helps catch these things for the doctor to check out., Could just be a sensory thing but I would definitely send this to your pediatrician and get it checked out, Seizure. This is what mine look like sometimes, I see you are already heading to the ER, that’s the right call. My son has epilepsy and the seizures started out similar to that. The earlier they treat them the better, but it can take time to get the medications right and the seizures can manifest differently over time. The ER probably won’t be able to do much but it can give piece of mind. Good luck, I would show this to his doctor asap. My daughter did this and found out they were seizures. She had a massive one last year and nearly died. I was told it's common in autistic children, I second everything everybody has recommended this far, and also sending prayers and good vibes that it’s nothing more serious than a simple stim. I can hear the worry in your voice; stay strong momma.💘, Show video to your pediatrician and ask for a referral for an EEG and a pediatric neurologist., Looks like absence seizures., Well crap, that wasn’t even mentioned, but when he was like three or so, my kid and I were running around in our playroom and in a kind of oval track around some of his toys and getting winded. Day 1 it was fine, he’d just crash into the couch and catch his breath and do it again. Day 2 we did it for less time and he crashed on the couch, but this time noticed his eyes kinda rolling, his face slack, wasn’t responding right away, called an ambulance but he was back to normal by the time they got there (response time was crap), but they thought maybe he just fainted. Might’ve been a seizure like this, as people seem to think., We had to get my daughter an overnight EEG. It sucked so much but we got through it. Good luck., Not trying to freak you out but my 6 year started to have seizures and they look pretty similar, starting off into space and eyes rolling to the side but my kiddos are long and he does end up losing function of his body and will slowly collapse. I would take this to his doctor and show them videos especially if you notice it again then ASAP. I promise you do not what that emergency trip. I had to take it 3 times before they finally gave us seizure med and my kiddo almost didn’t make it the last time.., It's weird to say, but I used to do this. Sometimes, I do it as an adult, I don't know why. I believe I might be autistic but never tested., UPDATE: Thank you for all the advice/replies, I’ve read them all and appreciate it. We were in the ER until 5am, the doctor called pediatrics to get their input, then called another hospital with a neurologist. We left the ER with the diagnosis of “Autism”. The ER doctor said he was standing up so it wasn’t seizure activity, but still wants him to go to Childrens Hospital and be seen by a neurologist., Mine does weird things like this with his eyes and I always assumed it was a stim, Hey, my kid did the same thing. When we brought it up to the pediatricians, they referred us to a neurologist and we performed an EKG just in case. The Peds said it was something like “staring spells”, or “absence/grand mal seizures”. Our boy came back with a clear EKG, but that was a while ago when he was around 5, so now that he’s 11, we’re seeing sorta the same thing happen again, so we’ve got an appointment with a neuro early next month just to get an updated EKG seeing as he’s close to puberty and maybe this is a “normal”-ish thing that happens to our kiddos? I dunno. Best of luck, we’ll pull for you all., I'll echo what others have said about it possibly being a focal seizure. An EEG, particularly a sleep deprived EEG should be done. I'm not a doctor but our son had similar seizures multiple times per day. The real danger is something called "electrical status epilepticus during slow-wave sleep." ESES is essentially hyperactive electrical activity in the brain during sleep that prevents a lot of the development that happens during sleep and can cause developmental delays. We tried a lot of different anti-seizure meds and none worked. He was scheduled for a course of IV prednisone for 5 days in case it was inflammation related. Before his treatment, he got croup and was given a single oral dose of dexamethasone to help with his breathing...never had another seizure. I'm not saying that you'll have the same issues or outcomes, just to talk to the doctor and get a referral to a pediatric neurologist and an EEG. Best of luck!, My lil guy is now 3 1/2 and I first noticed him doing this just before his second birthday. It took me forever to get a video of him doing it and even longer to get an appointment with a neurologist. Both his doctors suspect absence seizures. He is scheduled for an EEG with neurologist in July. I was told that it isn't something I need to be in a panic over but if confirmed would require meds. Best wishes to you and your lil one. It's very possible it could just be something that feels good to him. It's always better to check with doctor then drive yourself crazy with worry., This type of behaviour is common for my son as well. He has been doing it for years. The specialists that gave him his diagnosis said it was very likely a sensory stim so we have not been worried about it. Some of the comments here are slightly worrisome however. I see your son is getting checked out for this. If you are comfortable to post about the results, I’m sure at least few of us would be interested to know as well., Epilepsy and autism have strong correlations. Better to start on a program early if they are determined to have epilepsy., Def looks like a seizure. My child had this. There so many different kids of seizures., I hope your Little Man is checked out and it’s nothing. Prayers, hugs, and good vibes heading your way., I hope all is well. All the best., I would talk to the pediatrician and show this to them. My fear would be a seizure, Send you and your loved one blessings keep being a great parent!, Take him to a neurologist ASAP please 🙏, Unfortunately a lot of issues get labeled “he’s doing that because he has autism“. If a Neuro typical child was doing with his eyes I think that they would be more concerned. A higher than average proportion of children with autism have seizures as well. Don’t let anyone blame that on being autistic. Please see a pediatric neurologist and get an EEG., He is trying to understand the light coming in from that window behind him. He sees more of the light spectrum. Sees more detail., you got some good ass light shafts coming in there. he is seeing things out of the corners of his eyes. it feels good, ❤️, My son does this and it’s not seizures. He’s been tested and has never had one., This looks like a sensory. Does he do this in a quiet room or a noisy one? It doesn’t look like a seizure. Some kids like to look to the side,spin and look up for example., When did he get his last vaccine shots?, Don't put this kind of stuff on the internet just take him to a doctor, Did you get any answers on this?, He needs to be referred to a neurologist, This exactly!!!, Glad you’re getting it checked out. Seizures are very common in autism they will take good care of him, Sending you best wishes, hope little man is okay!, I went through the same thing with my daughter at the same age. It ended up being nothing, she did it every once in a while for about 2 years. It's probably just a sensory thing but definitely have them seen to make sure it's not a seizure., Hope your little one is ok! 🙏🏻, 💕🍀, Sending you and your little one and the family all the good vibes. I hope everything is ok and it ends up being nothing.🙏, Wishing good thoughts for your son! Please keep us posted!, Exactly my thoughts. I fear it might indicate a propensity to seizure but I think it’s more than that. I only hope he’s not going to develop epilepsy. I’m thinking a milder palsy type. He’s shy and aware you’re paying him attention. That’s hopeful. He doesn’t appear to be losing bits of consciousness. Best not to let him know you’re worried too much. Freak complex. Neurology is where you need to take him. Does he rock himself to sleep? Think of Tourette’s but with physical tics, not vocal. Tourette’s don’t usually stand out much. Some clear their throats compulsively. Some are suppressing vocal tics which don’t point to ever swearing. Few swear. It’s not w/ loss consciousness. That would be a good thing. It’s possibly a chorea. Chorea is a movement disorder that causes involuntary, unpredictable body movements. He’s going to need to develop a sense of humour about this. Make sure his vision and hearing are evaluated too. https://www.healthline.com/health/chorea#Overview https://www.flintrehab.com/very-mild-cerebral-palsy/#signs, This reminds me of the video of having a seizure at that Starbucks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtU5nMbEsQ4, Yup. Our doctor told us that seizure activity occurs in 30% of people with autism., Seriously?? My son does this all the time!!, He got a referral!, Especially since his eyes are going to the same side everytime (upper right) that’s pretty common with seizures too from what the doctor said., EKG as in cardiac or EEG?, Thank you for this comment, it made me panic less! I hope everything works out for you little guy. We’re going to a neurologist next month and will hopefully get answers other than “he’s autistic”., Of course, I will definitely post results when we go to the pediatric neurologist., I have heard that it is a gravitational/spatial stim., It’s sad that medical professionals think like this. Of course, we’re taking him to a pediatric neurologist., My family lives in constant darkness and with white noise machines running around the clock because of how sensitive our kids are to stimuli. Had the nosy neighborhood good doer report us to CPS because of the odd conditions we live with., Could be, it’s just the first time he’s ever done this, we have lights on and windows open all the time. He usually goes really close to the tv and scans the light., This/those behaviors are generally considered to be stimming the sensation of gravity and sense of spatial awareness., Over a year ago, I space them out., We did take him in same day. He has an appointment with a pediatric neurologist in August but on the waitlist for sooner., He was, we’re going next month to Children’s Hospital and seeing a neurologist. The ER doctor said he was “stimming” and said he did this bc of being autistic., Same for my son, he would move his head as much but he would roll his eyes up randomly - his neurologist thought it was a tic, not a seizure., Better safe than sorry to get it checked out. If they stop randomly and just stare off into space then continue doing what they are doing, those are called silent seizures. My daughter had them all her life and we didn't know that's what it was, Sorry, yes, EEG. I’m not fully familiar with the terms, but the one for the brain and not the chest, haha., What is that?, A pediatric neurologist who specializes in autistic kids?, I'm sure CPS understood. I'm surprised they even responded. Bless you for accommodating sensory needs., I'm sure he felt very small after he discovered the real reason. it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks take care of yourself and your child and if you want everybody else. but I do hope that you build a team of people around you to help you take care of your child., You can see in the video how he is reacting to the shifts in the light., That’s not stimming related to autism., This is a stim I've seen before with my stepson. It's in his rotation still at 16 y/o. It's an alarming one, but he's been tested and it's just a stim., They are trying to stim their sense of motion/center of gravity/orientation and possibly the discrepancy between those spatial senses and the visual sense., Child neurologists treat children from birth into young adulthood and often diagnose, treat, and manage neurological conditions, including ASD, so I’m assuming it’s our best option at this point right now., That’s what his OT and I said. I’m not too happy with the ER doctor. I think he called it stereotyped behavior., Same. Two autistic kids who were both evaluated and cleared at a world class children's hospital., Tics are also repetitive movements, but unlike stims, they are involuntary, unanticipated, and not particularly pleasurable. You should consult an expert., I’ll look into that, never heard of it. Only reason I’m concerned is bc I was diagnosed w tardive dyskinesia/dystonia almost 15 years ago and my Mom had seizures. She would turn in circles lose control of everything and fall backwards, the worst was when it happened outside our house on our driveway. Cracked her head pretty bad., We live in a large city where we have options. There are surprisingly a lot of generalists who aren’t familiar with autistic kids. We even went to a pediatrician who said he missed the week about treating autistic patients during his residency so he pretty much only knew zero. My son’s child neurologist specializes in autism and he’s great!, Stereotyped behaviour can be stopped by the child whereas this poor darling is clearly not in control. The movement is clearly neurological and affects his eyes. He may not be conscious. It is involuntary movement in spades. The inept doctor is incredibly wrong to connect it to autism. This is not to say that the child may not have comorbid autism. Leo Kanner was referencing a sleep disorder. If he disagreed with Rimland’s characterization why did he write a foreward promoting his book. People just don’t get that autism it connected to this rare but specific behaviour. I pasted comments be made in his seminal paper juxtaposed with info from parasomnias. Rhythmic movement disorder is said to also be neurological in nature but not to the extent shown by this child. Chorea is my thought on the matter. But I am not qualified to say for sure. « The children sensed and exercised the same power over their own bodies by rolling and other rhythmic movements » Kanner 43 « Head banging: The child forcefully and repeatedly strikes their head against the mattress, pillow, headboard, wall, or slats of the crib. » RMD (May co-occur with Body rocking) « Body rocking: The child may rock their entire body forward and backward while on all fours, or they may move only the upper part of their body while sitting up. » RMD Paul and Rimland.  «Paul… He would, in playing, butt his head against his mother as at other times he did against a pillow.” » Kanner 43 « Between four [months] and 18 months, crib-rocking starts, and may be so violent the child may bruise himself… » Rimland 67 « Head rolling: The child rolls their head from side to side, generally while lying on their back. » RMD Donald Triplett, Elaine, John and Barbara « Elaine …She insists on the repetition of the same routine always. She is able to spend hours in some form of daydreaming and seems to be very happy with it. She is inclined towards rhythmical movements » Kanner 43 « John F …grinds his teeth quite frequently and rolls from side to side before sleeping» Kanner 43 « Donald was placed in a tuberculosis preventorium where he … developed the habit of shaking his head from side to side… In August 1937, Donald's doctor classified him as an overly stimulated child » Kanner 43 « Barbara - Was repetitious as a baby, and is obsessive now » Kanner 43 « Elaine… is manneristic» Kanner 71 « Other, less common movements include leg banging, body rolling, and leg rolling» RMD « Parents may also notice their children banging their heads against the bars of their cribs, rolling their heads or bodies from side to side, or making other repetitive, meaningless motions.» RMD https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-related-rhythmic-movement-disorder «I reported … 11 children …who had in common a pattern of behavior not previously considered in its striking uniqueness. » Kanner 43 « …differs so markedly and uniquely from anything reported so far. » Eisenberg 57 « …Early signs of the illness are a lack of the anticipatory posture prior to being picked up and the failure of a smile response, with the assumption of a vacuous, distant stare » Eveloff 60 « Developmental disabilities: Studies have linked both autism and Down syndrome to a higher instance of rhythmic movement disorder. However, people with these disabilities tend to make the movements throughout the day, not only around bedtime. Other sleep disorders: Rhythmic movement disorder may be associated with several other sleep disorders… », [deleted], You’re very lucky! I’ll find out Monday or Tuesday if he specializes in it. We live in a small city but are driving to a larger city to see this neurologist. It would be great if he did! I’m not going to bet on it though. I think all doctors need to be given a course, longer than a week on treating autistic patients during residency. The one we saw in the ER knew nothing. He spent more time out of the room on google printing out stuff for us about stims/autism than in the room. He asked me if he could have a copy of the video and on the discharge papers it said; “Seizure- New onset” Diagnosis- Autism”, Both of my autistic kids had this exact behavior and were evaluated for seizures, which came up negative. I've seen similar episodes in friends of theirs. With my kids, they felt the younger was mimicking and "acquiring" the behaviors of the elder.

Help With A sensory Seeker

Hey everyone. I'm running into an issue with my most likely autistic but still in the process of being diagnosed son, and you all have been super helpful and also very nice so I thought I'd ask here. I've searched the sub and I haven't seen anything about this particular topic, so here I am. My little guy will be three next month, and he weighs about forty pounds and is over three feet tall. This will be relevant later. He's also very much a sensory seeker kind of kid. Climbs everything, runs, jumps off furniture etc and he also does not have a good sense of where his body is in space, I don't think. This was all gleaned by observations because he doesn't yet have the words to tell us about his feelings and experiences. My wife's desk is right next to her side of the bed and there's a dresser on the other side of the desk. Lately, whenever he's in the room, especially if it's near bedtime, he has been climbing onto the dresser, running across onto the desk and full-body flinging himself onto the bed and whoever might be lying on that side of it. I'm wroried someone is going to get hurt, either my wife or him. Tonight he yeeted himself and hit her right in the back. Is there some sort of sensory equipment that would help with this situation? How do you help an autistic kiddo learn body awareness?

I’m dying at the yeeted part lol. There was a post yesterday about someone that has a kiddo that crashes into stuff. I would check that post. OT/PT are super helpful. I know you don’t have a diagnosis yet but primary can still make referral for sensory issues. Swing that encloses around him, I have a hammock small cocoon looking thing that my son loves. Scooter board with pillows to crash into. Pads for the floor that he can jump into. A mini trampoline is a good one too. My kid needed to feel enclosed but able to move if that makes sense., One of my fave things about OT is getting to try different items to discover what works best for my sensory seeker! To throw some ideas out there— We have a compression vest and a compression sheet. A hammock and sensory swing inside. We own a nugget couch which she loves- often used as a crash pad lol. In the backyard, we have a platform swing, regular playground swings, and a trampoline. We will fill the bathtub pretty high so she can float on her back. We also squeeze her feet, legs, and arms- squeeze very firmly and hold a few seconds. We also do joint compressions- but I would absolutely suggest you ask an OT how to do those. Sometimes she will lay on the couch and I’ll grab another cushion and squish her with it. She also loves heavy work- dragging heavy objects things back and forth, yard work (she is genuinely helpful at raking the yard), moving dirt with shovel. She loves sitting in ball pits and a bin full of dried beans! My kid doesn’t like weighted things, but weighted vests and blankets are super common. Our OT said the blankets should be 10% of their body weight plus 1-2 pounds., Sensory swing, mini trampoline and a climbing triangle and crash pad/bean bag chair all would help. Try to direct him to a “play area” when he starts to yeet himself off of furniture lol. I set a kid chair near the bean bag and my daughter likes me to push her onto it. Small workout ball to bounce on is helpful too, I think we have the same kid…also a three year old the size of a five year old in the process of diagnosis and a huge sensory seeker/poor proprioceptive skills. What we’ve found that has helped is getting an indoor trampoline and redirecting to this when he seems to need that sensory input, and also getting an exercise ball that he can push, roll on, lift for heavy work etc… We’re also lucky to have a large backyard where we have a swing, slide, climbing frame and trampoline so I try to get him outside to ‘run it out n’ as much as possible. I essentially try to meet those needs via other means. The other thing we did (which thankfully coincided with an increase in his receptive language) is making sure to say clearly ouch/that hurts/you’re hurting me. I could see that he understood this and it seems to have helped., OMG! Thank you! this is so helpful! Yes! My kid likes being enclosed but also moving. He has an OT who's trying to get him into a gym somewhere on her end. And yes! yeeted is about the only word you can use for what he did. He literally did the Leroy Jenkins sprint across the top of the dresser because I was trying to stop him, scampered across the desk squirrel-style and yeeted himself straight down onto his mom's back. Thankfully she's okay though super sore now obviously. I'm happy I could give you a smile though., Not laughing at your wife getting hurt i could just imagine that because my kid would do similar stuff and the wording got me, He’s living his best life lol. Hope you guys find some solutions soon! It gets better! My kid is 10 now and barely moves lol I have to beg him to get up and do physical activity. He was an energetic crazy man when younger., I’m dying at the yeeted part lol. There was a post yesterday about someone that has a kiddo that crashes into stuff. I would check that post. OT/PT are super helpful. I know you don’t have a diagnosis yet but primary can still make referral for sensory issues. Swing that encloses around him, I have a hammock small cocoon looking thing that my son loves. Scooter board with pillows to crash into. Pads for the floor that he can jump into. A mini trampoline is a good one too. My kid needed to feel enclosed but able to move if that makes sense., One of my fave things about OT is getting to try different items to discover what works best for my sensory seeker! To throw some ideas out there— We have a compression vest and a compression sheet. A hammock and sensory swing inside. We own a nugget couch which she loves- often used as a crash pad lol. In the backyard, we have a platform swing, regular playground swings, and a trampoline. We will fill the bathtub pretty high so she can float on her back. We also squeeze her feet, legs, and arms- squeeze very firmly and hold a few seconds. We also do joint compressions- but I would absolutely suggest you ask an OT how to do those. Sometimes she will lay on the couch and I’ll grab another cushion and squish her with it. She also loves heavy work- dragging heavy objects things back and forth, yard work (she is genuinely helpful at raking the yard), moving dirt with shovel. She loves sitting in ball pits and a bin full of dried beans! My kid doesn’t like weighted things, but weighted vests and blankets are super common. Our OT said the blankets should be 10% of their body weight plus 1-2 pounds., Sensory swing, mini trampoline and a climbing triangle and crash pad/bean bag chair all would help. Try to direct him to a “play area” when he starts to yeet himself off of furniture lol. I set a kid chair near the bean bag and my daughter likes me to push her onto it. Small workout ball to bounce on is helpful too, I think we have the same kid…also a three year old the size of a five year old in the process of diagnosis and a huge sensory seeker/poor proprioceptive skills. What we’ve found that has helped is getting an indoor trampoline and redirecting to this when he seems to need that sensory input, and also getting an exercise ball that he can push, roll on, lift for heavy work etc… We’re also lucky to have a large backyard where we have a swing, slide, climbing frame and trampoline so I try to get him outside to ‘run it out n’ as much as possible. I essentially try to meet those needs via other means. The other thing we did (which thankfully coincided with an increase in his receptive language) is making sure to say clearly ouch/that hurts/you’re hurting me. I could see that he understood this and it seems to have helped., OMG! Thank you! this is so helpful! Yes! My kid likes being enclosed but also moving. He has an OT who's trying to get him into a gym somewhere on her end. And yes! yeeted is about the only word you can use for what he did. He literally did the Leroy Jenkins sprint across the top of the dresser because I was trying to stop him, scampered across the desk squirrel-style and yeeted himself straight down onto his mom's back. Thankfully she's okay though super sore now obviously. I'm happy I could give you a smile though., Not laughing at your wife getting hurt i could just imagine that because my kid would do similar stuff and the wording got me, He’s living his best life lol. Hope you guys find some solutions soon! It gets better! My kid is 10 now and barely moves lol I have to beg him to get up and do physical activity. He was an energetic crazy man when younger., I’m dying at the yeeted part lol. There was a post yesterday about someone that has a kiddo that crashes into stuff. I would check that post. OT/PT are super helpful. I know you don’t have a diagnosis yet but primary can still make referral for sensory issues. Swing that encloses around him, I have a hammock small cocoon looking thing that my son loves. Scooter board with pillows to crash into. Pads for the floor that he can jump into. A mini trampoline is a good one too. My kid needed to feel enclosed but able to move if that makes sense., One of my fave things about OT is getting to try different items to discover what works best for my sensory seeker! To throw some ideas out there— We have a compression vest and a compression sheet. A hammock and sensory swing inside. We own a nugget couch which she loves- often used as a crash pad lol. In the backyard, we have a platform swing, regular playground swings, and a trampoline. We will fill the bathtub pretty high so she can float on her back. We also squeeze her feet, legs, and arms- squeeze very firmly and hold a few seconds. We also do joint compressions- but I would absolutely suggest you ask an OT how to do those. Sometimes she will lay on the couch and I’ll grab another cushion and squish her with it. She also loves heavy work- dragging heavy objects things back and forth, yard work (she is genuinely helpful at raking the yard), moving dirt with shovel. She loves sitting in ball pits and a bin full of dried beans! My kid doesn’t like weighted things, but weighted vests and blankets are super common. Our OT said the blankets should be 10% of their body weight plus 1-2 pounds., Sensory swing, mini trampoline and a climbing triangle and crash pad/bean bag chair all would help. Try to direct him to a “play area” when he starts to yeet himself off of furniture lol. I set a kid chair near the bean bag and my daughter likes me to push her onto it. Small workout ball to bounce on is helpful too, I think we have the same kid…also a three year old the size of a five year old in the process of diagnosis and a huge sensory seeker/poor proprioceptive skills. What we’ve found that has helped is getting an indoor trampoline and redirecting to this when he seems to need that sensory input, and also getting an exercise ball that he can push, roll on, lift for heavy work etc… We’re also lucky to have a large backyard where we have a swing, slide, climbing frame and trampoline so I try to get him outside to ‘run it out n’ as much as possible. I essentially try to meet those needs via other means. The other thing we did (which thankfully coincided with an increase in his receptive language) is making sure to say clearly ouch/that hurts/you’re hurting me. I could see that he understood this and it seems to have helped., OMG! Thank you! this is so helpful! Yes! My kid likes being enclosed but also moving. He has an OT who's trying to get him into a gym somewhere on her end. And yes! yeeted is about the only word you can use for what he did. He literally did the Leroy Jenkins sprint across the top of the dresser because I was trying to stop him, scampered across the desk squirrel-style and yeeted himself straight down onto his mom's back. Thankfully she's okay though super sore now obviously. I'm happy I could give you a smile though., Not laughing at your wife getting hurt i could just imagine that because my kid would do similar stuff and the wording got me, He’s living his best life lol. Hope you guys find some solutions soon! It gets better! My kid is 10 now and barely moves lol I have to beg him to get up and do physical activity. He was an energetic crazy man when younger., I’m dying at the yeeted part lol. There was a post yesterday about someone that has a kiddo that crashes into stuff. I would check that post. OT/PT are super helpful. I know you don’t have a diagnosis yet but primary can still make referral for sensory issues. Swing that encloses around him, I have a hammock small cocoon looking thing that my son loves. Scooter board with pillows to crash into. Pads for the floor that he can jump into. A mini trampoline is a good one too. My kid needed to feel enclosed but able to move if that makes sense., One of my fave things about OT is getting to try different items to discover what works best for my sensory seeker! To throw some ideas out there— We have a compression vest and a compression sheet. A hammock and sensory swing inside. We own a nugget couch which she loves- often used as a crash pad lol. In the backyard, we have a platform swing, regular playground swings, and a trampoline. We will fill the bathtub pretty high so she can float on her back. We also squeeze her feet, legs, and arms- squeeze very firmly and hold a few seconds. We also do joint compressions- but I would absolutely suggest you ask an OT how to do those. Sometimes she will lay on the couch and I’ll grab another cushion and squish her with it. She also loves heavy work- dragging heavy objects things back and forth, yard work (she is genuinely helpful at raking the yard), moving dirt with shovel. She loves sitting in ball pits and a bin full of dried beans! My kid doesn’t like weighted things, but weighted vests and blankets are super common. Our OT said the blankets should be 10% of their body weight plus 1-2 pounds., Sensory swing, mini trampoline and a climbing triangle and crash pad/bean bag chair all would help. Try to direct him to a “play area” when he starts to yeet himself off of furniture lol. I set a kid chair near the bean bag and my daughter likes me to push her onto it. Small workout ball to bounce on is helpful too, I think we have the same kid…also a three year old the size of a five year old in the process of diagnosis and a huge sensory seeker/poor proprioceptive skills. What we’ve found that has helped is getting an indoor trampoline and redirecting to this when he seems to need that sensory input, and also getting an exercise ball that he can push, roll on, lift for heavy work etc… We’re also lucky to have a large backyard where we have a swing, slide, climbing frame and trampoline so I try to get him outside to ‘run it out n’ as much as possible. I essentially try to meet those needs via other means. The other thing we did (which thankfully coincided with an increase in his receptive language) is making sure to say clearly ouch/that hurts/you’re hurting me. I could see that he understood this and it seems to have helped., OMG! Thank you! this is so helpful! Yes! My kid likes being enclosed but also moving. He has an OT who's trying to get him into a gym somewhere on her end. And yes! yeeted is about the only word you can use for what he did. He literally did the Leroy Jenkins sprint across the top of the dresser because I was trying to stop him, scampered across the desk squirrel-style and yeeted himself straight down onto his mom's back. Thankfully she's okay though super sore now obviously. I'm happy I could give you a smile though., Not laughing at your wife getting hurt i could just imagine that because my kid would do similar stuff and the wording got me, He’s living his best life lol. Hope you guys find some solutions soon! It gets better! My kid is 10 now and barely moves lol I have to beg him to get up and do physical activity. He was an energetic crazy man when younger.

Help adopting out older child

Long story short my son has autism and adhd and his personality is terrible. No one can stand to be around him and me being forced to be around him for years has taken a serious toll on my mental health. I’m an absolute wreck now when I used to be so confident and self sufficient. He is 12 now and I fantasize of suicide just to get away from him. The thought of parenting him forever makes me hyperventilate, and I get the sweats and shake. Serious physical responses to the stress of having him around. No family wants to take him. No friends. I keep hearing people say if I don’t want my kid to put him up for adoption but I’ve called a couple of places and one actually laughed at me saying no one wanted to adopt a child like him. I don’t want any suggestions for therapy or respite, I’ve been down that road and this is as good as it gets. I want him gone. Can I take him to a hospital and refuse to take him home?, kind of like what happens to very old people that can’t be cared for by family any longer? Are there adoption agencies specifically for kids like this? With all the “put him up for adoption” lines that get thrown out I have yet to find one real agency that would take him and adopt him out. They simply don’t exist. I’m tired of living in a situation with a person that would be labeled abusive if he didn’t have his Teflon autism diagnosis, as if that’s a free pass to treat people terribly. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even want to try anymore. I need phone numbers and addresses, I need names, I need actual resources for how to adopt out this child or sign him over. I’ve tired prayer but it’s obvious god turned his back on me a very long time ago. I’ve given up enough of my life and want to live for me again. Thank you.

This post has been report multiple times for various reasons. Mods have seen it, commented on it, and chose to let it stay. There is no need for future reports. 😁, This is very distressing, and no one here can help in this situation. You need to contact Child Protective Services, right now, and talk to them about it. They will have the answers. In google, Type "Child Protective Services ""Your State / Province"" and you will get a phone number.

Help getting 5yr old to bed

My son struggles with bedtimes and often has bad dreams. They make him resist bedtimes more. But he also says it's boring. He won't sleep on a bed anymore. For the past month he has slept on the floor with a few cushions and the occasional sheet. Every night, the only way to get him to bed is to turn all the lights out in the house and then let him decide he wants to go. But even then, I have to wrap him up like a piece of food. It's got to be a different food each night. I've run out of ideas and the novelty is wearing off anyway. I'm fine with all of the above, but now he is insisting on sleeping with his head just next to the door. I have a problem with this as I sleep in same room with him and his little sister and I do have to get out of bed during the night. She also wakes up a lot and will call out for my partner, who then comes in. So my son is either going to get his head crushed by someone accidentally stepping on him in the night or hit by the door. The best case scenario is that he gets woken up by people stepping next his head or getting a small bump by the door. It's driving me fucking crazy as he just gets angry if he is moved and it starts a fight. It's just one thing too many for me at the moment. We gave up our bedroom to give the kids a playroom which is now completely covered in his creations that can't be moved or packed away or his has a meltdown and starts hitting, kicking, punching, biting and throwing. This means his little sister has nowhere to play. I've tried taking photos of the creations so that they can be made again and addressed all of his concerns when we have talked about how to alleviate how concerns but he just won't have a bar of it. This post is part rant, part cry for help. I need suggestions please.

My oldest was a floor or trampoline sleeper for a long time. Turns out she just wants to be in my room with me. We put a daybed in our room for her to sleep on and that's sufficient for her, but we have a very large bedroom so we are able to do that. Can you find a safe place on the floor for sleep? As an undiagnosed kid, I remember never wanting to sleep in a room by myself until I was solidly a teenager. As a small child, never. It wasn't until I was probably 10 or better that I could sleep by myself and if it got stormy I'd still end up in my caretakers bed until I was 16 or so.  Probably not the answer you want to hear, but I just never felt comfortable by myself. I'd wake up alone, almost petrified in fear, nearly every night. I'd either tell for my grandmother and she'd come or I'd psych myself up and run like I was trying to outrun a murderer and slam through her door and right onto her bed. She was always so kind to me and either took me back to my room and stay with me until I fell asleep or she'd let me stay in hers with her., I don't mind where he sleeps as long as it's safe and he is happy to go there. I've been sleeping in with him for his entire life and I'm happy to keep doing it for as long as either of my kids need it. I used to like moving bed around a lot and slept all over the place when I was younger too., My oldest was a floor or trampoline sleeper for a long time. Turns out she just wants to be in my room with me. We put a daybed in our room for her to sleep on and that's sufficient for her, but we have a very large bedroom so we are able to do that. Can you find a safe place on the floor for sleep? As an undiagnosed kid, I remember never wanting to sleep in a room by myself until I was solidly a teenager. As a small child, never. It wasn't until I was probably 10 or better that I could sleep by myself and if it got stormy I'd still end up in my caretakers bed until I was 16 or so.  Probably not the answer you want to hear, but I just never felt comfortable by myself. I'd wake up alone, almost petrified in fear, nearly every night. I'd either tell for my grandmother and she'd come or I'd psych myself up and run like I was trying to outrun a murderer and slam through her door and right onto her bed. She was always so kind to me and either took me back to my room and stay with me until I fell asleep or she'd let me stay in hers with her., I don't mind where he sleeps as long as it's safe and he is happy to go there. I've been sleeping in with him for his entire life and I'm happy to keep doing it for as long as either of my kids need it. I used to like moving bed around a lot and slept all over the place when I was younger too., My oldest was a floor or trampoline sleeper for a long time. Turns out she just wants to be in my room with me. We put a daybed in our room for her to sleep on and that's sufficient for her, but we have a very large bedroom so we are able to do that. Can you find a safe place on the floor for sleep? As an undiagnosed kid, I remember never wanting to sleep in a room by myself until I was solidly a teenager. As a small child, never. It wasn't until I was probably 10 or better that I could sleep by myself and if it got stormy I'd still end up in my caretakers bed until I was 16 or so.  Probably not the answer you want to hear, but I just never felt comfortable by myself. I'd wake up alone, almost petrified in fear, nearly every night. I'd either tell for my grandmother and she'd come or I'd psych myself up and run like I was trying to outrun a murderer and slam through her door and right onto her bed. She was always so kind to me and either took me back to my room and stay with me until I fell asleep or she'd let me stay in hers with her., I don't mind where he sleeps as long as it's safe and he is happy to go there. I've been sleeping in with him for his entire life and I'm happy to keep doing it for as long as either of my kids need it. I used to like moving bed around a lot and slept all over the place when I was younger too., My oldest was a floor or trampoline sleeper for a long time. Turns out she just wants to be in my room with me. We put a daybed in our room for her to sleep on and that's sufficient for her, but we have a very large bedroom so we are able to do that. Can you find a safe place on the floor for sleep? As an undiagnosed kid, I remember never wanting to sleep in a room by myself until I was solidly a teenager. As a small child, never. It wasn't until I was probably 10 or better that I could sleep by myself and if it got stormy I'd still end up in my caretakers bed until I was 16 or so.  Probably not the answer you want to hear, but I just never felt comfortable by myself. I'd wake up alone, almost petrified in fear, nearly every night. I'd either tell for my grandmother and she'd come or I'd psych myself up and run like I was trying to outrun a murderer and slam through her door and right onto her bed. She was always so kind to me and either took me back to my room and stay with me until I fell asleep or she'd let me stay in hers with her., I don't mind where he sleeps as long as it's safe and he is happy to go there. I've been sleeping in with him for his entire life and I'm happy to keep doing it for as long as either of my kids need it. I used to like moving bed around a lot and slept all over the place when I was younger too.

Help needed

Our son is turning nine in a couple of days and he has high functioning, autism, ADHD, and is missing a couple of genes. Long story short he’s been through three different public schools and now attends a restrictive school where he only attends 2 1/2 hours a day and has an IEP. Most days he cannot sit and do more than 10 minutes of schoolwork and is often going to a Timeout room because he swears a lot and constantly makes threats to kill people. We have him on different ADHD medication, he takes Risperdone to manage the outburst, and he takes hydroxyzine for emergency situations. It seems like the easiest things set him off, and when they do, you can expect to be called every name in the book and hear him swear up and down and threaten to kill you and etc., I’ve read so many posts on here about stress that parents go through and I’m in the same boat but kind of stuck on what our next step should be because this is an almost every day occurrence When he does calm down, which takes anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes, he will be the most affectionate child you’ve ever seen and it’s like a total 180. But during these outbursts, it seems like there is nothing you can do to calm him down.

Hello, so very sorry for the tough time you're having. I sounds like you have a great kid who is having a difficult time managing his stress. Kiddos on the spectrum tend to have very high oxidative stress levels as well as inflammation. About 96% have a variation on the MTHFR gene that makes detoxing difficult..hence the stress. You'll want to try to find ways to reduce stress...sounds like he's operating in a fight or flight mode constantly. That is not his real personality. Oxidative stress depletes the body of magnesium. So, the first thing you can start doing is having him soak in epsom salt baths at least 4 times weekly. Basically, “Epsom salt” is magnesium sulfate.  Here's why it works: A main effect of insufficient magnesium is hyperness, irritability, anxiety and muscle twitching or spasms. People with the MTHR variation are often low on sulfate... which is needed for the body to process chemicals such as salicylates, phenols, and toxins.  I have an ADHD/ASD kiddo and epson salt has been a game changer. There's also epsom salt creams you can buy and rub on directly. It really calms them down. Sweating is super important as well since he likely has issues detoxing. So getting him outside as much as possible is important. A company named Xymogen makes a really good S-Acetyl Glutathione supplement. This can be taken orally to help with the oxidative stress. However, you should try to find a pediatric functional health doctor before going too hard core with the supplements. They can run some tests and see whats going on. Likely he has vitamin difficiencies that are going unaddressed because you're working with docs who are treating the symptoms and not the cause. There's so much more to share but the main thing I want to say is that you are not alone. Your boy is beautiful and special. His body is just having a hard time detoxing and metabolizing vitamins. His cortisol levels are probably through the roof. In summary.. Start giving him epsom salt baths nightly (1 cup per 50 lbs and no bubbles for the first 20 mins.) Look into the MTHFR gene mutation. It's a very common mutation and for many people it causes no harm. But when it's combined with other gene variations...it causes ADHD/ASD. MTHFR variations are often responsible for midline defects like tongue ties. So this is an easy way to check to see if he has it. Once he lifts his tongue, check for a thin sliver of meat tethering the tongue down. You can find more info on tongue ties and their connection to MTHFR here (https://www.healthlatch.com/what-is-tongue-tie-ankyloglossia#:~:text=Although%20more%20research%20is%20needed,one%20generation%20to%20the%20next).  Get him sweating and outside. The sun and earth will so him a world of good. If you can, switch his.water to alkaline. It's a natural antioxidant. Talk to a functional health doc about supplements. I like magnesium, b complex, folinic acid, and Glutathione. Zeolite is also good for heavy metal detoxing...which is something your kiddo is sensitive to if he has the MTHFR variation (this is why theres alot of talk about the connection between vaccines and ASD). Diet is hard because our kiddos want what they want. But that gut brain connection is so strong. Take out processed food and try to limit dairy and gluten especially. Also, oddly enough polyphenols tend to rev up kiddos with this variation. So something as benign as an apple could make him hyper. You can find out more about the polyphenol connection here: https://epidemicanswers.org/how-phenols-and-salicylates-may-be-contributing-to-your-childs-mood-behavior-and-hyperactivity/#:~:text=Sensitivity%20to%20phenols%20and%20salicylates,Hyperactivity If you find that he does appear to have MTHFR, just rubbing about a quarter size amount of epson salt cream on him 2 to 3 times daily should help mitigate the impact of polyphenols. Okay, I've downloaded most of what I know has helped my little one. I hope this helps you and yours!, Hello, so very sorry for the tough time you're having. I sounds like you have a great kid who is having a difficult time managing his stress. Kiddos on the spectrum tend to have very high oxidative stress levels as well as inflammation. About 96% have a variation on the MTHFR gene that makes detoxing difficult..hence the stress. You'll want to try to find ways to reduce stress...sounds like he's operating in a fight or flight mode constantly. That is not his real personality. Oxidative stress depletes the body of magnesium. So, the first thing you can start doing is having him soak in epsom salt baths at least 4 times weekly. Basically, “Epsom salt” is magnesium sulfate.  Here's why it works: A main effect of insufficient magnesium is hyperness, irritability, anxiety and muscle twitching or spasms. People with the MTHR variation are often low on sulfate... which is needed for the body to process chemicals such as salicylates, phenols, and toxins.  I have an ADHD/ASD kiddo and epson salt has been a game changer. There's also epsom salt creams you can buy and rub on directly. It really calms them down. Sweating is super important as well since he likely has issues detoxing. So getting him outside as much as possible is important. A company named Xymogen makes a really good S-Acetyl Glutathione supplement. This can be taken orally to help with the oxidative stress. However, you should try to find a pediatric functional health doctor before going too hard core with the supplements. They can run some tests and see whats going on. Likely he has vitamin difficiencies that are going unaddressed because you're working with docs who are treating the symptoms and not the cause. There's so much more to share but the main thing I want to say is that you are not alone. Your boy is beautiful and special. His body is just having a hard time detoxing and metabolizing vitamins. His cortisol levels are probably through the roof. In summary.. Start giving him epsom salt baths nightly (1 cup per 50 lbs and no bubbles for the first 20 mins.) Look into the MTHFR gene mutation. It's a very common mutation and for many people it causes no harm. But when it's combined with other gene variations...it causes ADHD/ASD. MTHFR variations are often responsible for midline defects like tongue ties. So this is an easy way to check to see if he has it. Once he lifts his tongue, check for a thin sliver of meat tethering the tongue down. You can find more info on tongue ties and their connection to MTHFR here (https://www.healthlatch.com/what-is-tongue-tie-ankyloglossia#:~:text=Although%20more%20research%20is%20needed,one%20generation%20to%20the%20next).  Get him sweating and outside. The sun and earth will so him a world of good. If you can, switch his.water to alkaline. It's a natural antioxidant. Talk to a functional health doc about supplements. I like magnesium, b complex, folinic acid, and Glutathione. Zeolite is also good for heavy metal detoxing...which is something your kiddo is sensitive to if he has the MTHFR variation (this is why theres alot of talk about the connection between vaccines and ASD). Diet is hard because our kiddos want what they want. But that gut brain connection is so strong. Take out processed food and try to limit dairy and gluten especially. Also, oddly enough polyphenols tend to rev up kiddos with this variation. So something as benign as an apple could make him hyper. You can find out more about the polyphenol connection here: https://epidemicanswers.org/how-phenols-and-salicylates-may-be-contributing-to-your-childs-mood-behavior-and-hyperactivity/#:~:text=Sensitivity%20to%20phenols%20and%20salicylates,Hyperactivity If you find that he does appear to have MTHFR, just rubbing about a quarter size amount of epson salt cream on him 2 to 3 times daily should help mitigate the impact of polyphenols. Okay, I've downloaded most of what I know has helped my little one. I hope this helps you and yours!, Hello, so very sorry for the tough time you're having. I sounds like you have a great kid who is having a difficult time managing his stress. Kiddos on the spectrum tend to have very high oxidative stress levels as well as inflammation. About 96% have a variation on the MTHFR gene that makes detoxing difficult..hence the stress. You'll want to try to find ways to reduce stress...sounds like he's operating in a fight or flight mode constantly. That is not his real personality. Oxidative stress depletes the body of magnesium. So, the first thing you can start doing is having him soak in epsom salt baths at least 4 times weekly. Basically, “Epsom salt” is magnesium sulfate.  Here's why it works: A main effect of insufficient magnesium is hyperness, irritability, anxiety and muscle twitching or spasms. People with the MTHR variation are often low on sulfate... which is needed for the body to process chemicals such as salicylates, phenols, and toxins.  I have an ADHD/ASD kiddo and epson salt has been a game changer. There's also epsom salt creams you can buy and rub on directly. It really calms them down. Sweating is super important as well since he likely has issues detoxing. So getting him outside as much as possible is important. A company named Xymogen makes a really good S-Acetyl Glutathione supplement. This can be taken orally to help with the oxidative stress. However, you should try to find a pediatric functional health doctor before going too hard core with the supplements. They can run some tests and see whats going on. Likely he has vitamin difficiencies that are going unaddressed because you're working with docs who are treating the symptoms and not the cause. There's so much more to share but the main thing I want to say is that you are not alone. Your boy is beautiful and special. His body is just having a hard time detoxing and metabolizing vitamins. His cortisol levels are probably through the roof. In summary.. Start giving him epsom salt baths nightly (1 cup per 50 lbs and no bubbles for the first 20 mins.) Look into the MTHFR gene mutation. It's a very common mutation and for many people it causes no harm. But when it's combined with other gene variations...it causes ADHD/ASD. MTHFR variations are often responsible for midline defects like tongue ties. So this is an easy way to check to see if he has it. Once he lifts his tongue, check for a thin sliver of meat tethering the tongue down. You can find more info on tongue ties and their connection to MTHFR here (https://www.healthlatch.com/what-is-tongue-tie-ankyloglossia#:~:text=Although%20more%20research%20is%20needed,one%20generation%20to%20the%20next).  Get him sweating and outside. The sun and earth will so him a world of good. If you can, switch his.water to alkaline. It's a natural antioxidant. Talk to a functional health doc about supplements. I like magnesium, b complex, folinic acid, and Glutathione. Zeolite is also good for heavy metal detoxing...which is something your kiddo is sensitive to if he has the MTHFR variation (this is why theres alot of talk about the connection between vaccines and ASD). Diet is hard because our kiddos want what they want. But that gut brain connection is so strong. Take out processed food and try to limit dairy and gluten especially. Also, oddly enough polyphenols tend to rev up kiddos with this variation. So something as benign as an apple could make him hyper. You can find out more about the polyphenol connection here: https://epidemicanswers.org/how-phenols-and-salicylates-may-be-contributing-to-your-childs-mood-behavior-and-hyperactivity/#:~:text=Sensitivity%20to%20phenols%20and%20salicylates,Hyperactivity If you find that he does appear to have MTHFR, just rubbing about a quarter size amount of epson salt cream on him 2 to 3 times daily should help mitigate the impact of polyphenols. Okay, I've downloaded most of what I know has helped my little one. I hope this helps you and yours!, Hello, so very sorry for the tough time you're having. I sounds like you have a great kid who is having a difficult time managing his stress. Kiddos on the spectrum tend to have very high oxidative stress levels as well as inflammation. About 96% have a variation on the MTHFR gene that makes detoxing difficult..hence the stress. You'll want to try to find ways to reduce stress...sounds like he's operating in a fight or flight mode constantly. That is not his real personality. Oxidative stress depletes the body of magnesium. So, the first thing you can start doing is having him soak in epsom salt baths at least 4 times weekly. Basically, “Epsom salt” is magnesium sulfate.  Here's why it works: A main effect of insufficient magnesium is hyperness, irritability, anxiety and muscle twitching or spasms. People with the MTHR variation are often low on sulfate... which is needed for the body to process chemicals such as salicylates, phenols, and toxins.  I have an ADHD/ASD kiddo and epson salt has been a game changer. There's also epsom salt creams you can buy and rub on directly. It really calms them down. Sweating is super important as well since he likely has issues detoxing. So getting him outside as much as possible is important. A company named Xymogen makes a really good S-Acetyl Glutathione supplement. This can be taken orally to help with the oxidative stress. However, you should try to find a pediatric functional health doctor before going too hard core with the supplements. They can run some tests and see whats going on. Likely he has vitamin difficiencies that are going unaddressed because you're working with docs who are treating the symptoms and not the cause. There's so much more to share but the main thing I want to say is that you are not alone. Your boy is beautiful and special. His body is just having a hard time detoxing and metabolizing vitamins. His cortisol levels are probably through the roof. In summary.. Start giving him epsom salt baths nightly (1 cup per 50 lbs and no bubbles for the first 20 mins.) Look into the MTHFR gene mutation. It's a very common mutation and for many people it causes no harm. But when it's combined with other gene variations...it causes ADHD/ASD. MTHFR variations are often responsible for midline defects like tongue ties. So this is an easy way to check to see if he has it. Once he lifts his tongue, check for a thin sliver of meat tethering the tongue down. You can find more info on tongue ties and their connection to MTHFR here (https://www.healthlatch.com/what-is-tongue-tie-ankyloglossia#:~:text=Although%20more%20research%20is%20needed,one%20generation%20to%20the%20next).  Get him sweating and outside. The sun and earth will so him a world of good. If you can, switch his.water to alkaline. It's a natural antioxidant. Talk to a functional health doc about supplements. I like magnesium, b complex, folinic acid, and Glutathione. Zeolite is also good for heavy metal detoxing...which is something your kiddo is sensitive to if he has the MTHFR variation (this is why theres alot of talk about the connection between vaccines and ASD). Diet is hard because our kiddos want what they want. But that gut brain connection is so strong. Take out processed food and try to limit dairy and gluten especially. Also, oddly enough polyphenols tend to rev up kiddos with this variation. So something as benign as an apple could make him hyper. You can find out more about the polyphenol connection here: https://epidemicanswers.org/how-phenols-and-salicylates-may-be-contributing-to-your-childs-mood-behavior-and-hyperactivity/#:~:text=Sensitivity%20to%20phenols%20and%20salicylates,Hyperactivity If you find that he does appear to have MTHFR, just rubbing about a quarter size amount of epson salt cream on him 2 to 3 times daily should help mitigate the impact of polyphenols. Okay, I've downloaded most of what I know has helped my little one. I hope this helps you and yours!

Help with Our 2.5-Year-Old in Speech and OT Without an iPad or Music

Our little girl is 2.5 years old and not talking yet. We've got her in speech and occupational therapy to help her out. The thing is, her therapists have said a big no to letting her use an iPad or listen to music during her sessions. It's been tough, to say the least. Every time we try to do therapy without these, she just loses it, and honestly, she hardly ever gets this upset normally. She uses the I pad to soothe ,regulate and helps with joint attention. We get where the therapists are coming from, but seeing her so stressed is hard. I'm reaching out to see if anyone's been through something similar and what you did to make it better. Any tips or tricks you found that helped your little one stay calm and maybe even enjoy their therapy time? We're all for making this experience as positive as possible for her without the meltdown. Thanks a bunch for reading and for any advice you can throw our way. It means a lot to us, really.

The iPad is a no. The iPad would be competing with therapy and not supporting it. It’s okay for our children to have meltdowns in therapy. My son’s first day with his new speech therapist was meltdown city. When a child experiences big emotions in therapy that’s a natural opportunity for the therapist to model calming strategies or model words a speaking toddler would say during a meltdown. My speech therapist models “no, stop, don’t want, etc” (whatever is appropriate for the context) on my son’s AAC device when he’s having a big emotion. OT is also about redirection and regulation. If your child is having a meltdown in therapy the OT can redirect them to a sensory activity like swinging, jumping, spinning etc. so they can learn other ways to regulate themselves besides needing an iPad. It’s hard to hear our children cry. I can’t stand it. My son’s therapies are so much more productive when I wait in the car and let the therapist do their work without interfering. Good luck with everything and trust the process., If she has close to unlimited access to iPad at home, it's understandable that she hates therapies where she needs to focus and work AND there is no iPad. I'd ban the iPad entirely and focus on getting her interested in toys and other "real" things, then therapies can become places where new toys and interesting staff are. Regarding music - my son at this age would definitely get distrusted and would not listen to instructions well. If it's not an issue with your kid, I'd try to persuade the OT therapist to allow it and maybe slowly work on reducing the volume to minimal., Honestly I would try to strictly limit the iPad at home and elsewhere. She’s very young and the fact that she’s getting so dysregulated when she can’t use it is a sign that it’s not good for her., My son's speech and OT tried to go with a similar session plan: no screen, no music. Except my kid *hates* silence, he always has since the moment he got pulled from my abdomen (or it feels that way to me). Eventually his OT figured out that he was better able to focus on the task she asked him to do if the song he wanted was playing. His speech therapist eventually found some apps on her Ipad that she could incorporate into her plan, and also found that sessions were much more productive this way., Good ideas and good feedback. It just seems like she sees the therapy place and is instantly disregulated. They cant even really do anything with her because she is so upset. I'll leave in the hands of the experts though., Thanks for the feedback. I am hesitant to cut off the I pad for the reason we have actually seen really amazing progress through the educational apps on it. She is all over matching ,numbers, and is starting to repeat things. For visual learners, can't it be used for good ?, Yeh I agree it's become a thing of major comfort for her , i wonder without being able to communicate if it gives her something she can refocus on., That is exactly how i think but the ot is like completely not flexible with this. I think in situations she doesn’t feel comfortable she uses the iPad and more the music to regulate her anxiety. At home she uses it because it’s fun and stimulates her mind but in environments like therapy where it’s uncomfortable and scary she would probably use it to regulate herself. They never really built a rapport with her just took away what made her comfortable and it's a mess. I will just sit and trying and wrestle with her while she crys for hour and see what they want to do., That is a very hard place to be in. I am a firm believer that for some kids, tablets/screens are a regulation tool so great consideration needs to be utilized when limiting or removing them. It took us a while to figure out that certain things are not good - like Cocomelon, and most recently the new PJ Masks episode/special (the one with a bear, I think) - and we still learn about new things that are good or bad as he ages up. The OT and ST followed a rule of "gotta try to focus or I pause the music." I was kind of iffy on this at first, but after seeing how well it worked and that they were not over the top with it, I was fine with it. They would move on to a different activity or try to alter the activity when it became obvious that it was creating dysregulation for him, or offer other regulating options like turning off the lights for 5 seconds or a weighted lap blanket, etc. I never allowed him to have his own tablet during his therapy time, but he knew he could have it when therapy was over. My kid isn't one that dances or bounces around all the time with his music- he just hates silence. I also hate silence, so the TV or music is basically always on in our home for noise. A good therapist should be working **with** you to figure out how to best help your little human. If these ones cannot do that, it might mean you need to find a different therapist. Edit to add: I have been following a person/page, NeuroWild, on FB. She is an autistic and ADHD speecb pathologist who posts a lot of infographics on how autistic brains work. She has a great one that specifically address screen time for autistic people that gave me a different perspective when my husband and I decided to drastically limit our sons screen time (and the chaos that came from that.) If you don't FB, she also lists her infographics on teacherspayteachers so it is easily viewed otherwise., The iPad is a no. The iPad would be competing with therapy and not supporting it. It’s okay for our children to have meltdowns in therapy. My son’s first day with his new speech therapist was meltdown city. When a child experiences big emotions in therapy that’s a natural opportunity for the therapist to model calming strategies or model words a speaking toddler would say during a meltdown. My speech therapist models “no, stop, don’t want, etc” (whatever is appropriate for the context) on my son’s AAC device when he’s having a big emotion. OT is also about redirection and regulation. If your child is having a meltdown in therapy the OT can redirect them to a sensory activity like swinging, jumping, spinning etc. so they can learn other ways to regulate themselves besides needing an iPad. It’s hard to hear our children cry. I can’t stand it. My son’s therapies are so much more productive when I wait in the car and let the therapist do their work without interfering. Good luck with everything and trust the process., If she has close to unlimited access to iPad at home, it's understandable that she hates therapies where she needs to focus and work AND there is no iPad. I'd ban the iPad entirely and focus on getting her interested in toys and other "real" things, then therapies can become places where new toys and interesting staff are. Regarding music - my son at this age would definitely get distrusted and would not listen to instructions well. If it's not an issue with your kid, I'd try to persuade the OT therapist to allow it and maybe slowly work on reducing the volume to minimal., Honestly I would try to strictly limit the iPad at home and elsewhere. She’s very young and the fact that she’s getting so dysregulated when she can’t use it is a sign that it’s not good for her., My son's speech and OT tried to go with a similar session plan: no screen, no music. Except my kid *hates* silence, he always has since the moment he got pulled from my abdomen (or it feels that way to me). Eventually his OT figured out that he was better able to focus on the task she asked him to do if the song he wanted was playing. His speech therapist eventually found some apps on her Ipad that she could incorporate into her plan, and also found that sessions were much more productive this way., Good ideas and good feedback. It just seems like she sees the therapy place and is instantly disregulated. They cant even really do anything with her because she is so upset. I'll leave in the hands of the experts though., Thanks for the feedback. I am hesitant to cut off the I pad for the reason we have actually seen really amazing progress through the educational apps on it. She is all over matching ,numbers, and is starting to repeat things. For visual learners, can't it be used for good ?, Yeh I agree it's become a thing of major comfort for her , i wonder without being able to communicate if it gives her something she can refocus on., That is exactly how i think but the ot is like completely not flexible with this. I think in situations she doesn’t feel comfortable she uses the iPad and more the music to regulate her anxiety. At home she uses it because it’s fun and stimulates her mind but in environments like therapy where it’s uncomfortable and scary she would probably use it to regulate herself. They never really built a rapport with her just took away what made her comfortable and it's a mess. I will just sit and trying and wrestle with her while she crys for hour and see what they want to do., That is a very hard place to be in. I am a firm believer that for some kids, tablets/screens are a regulation tool so great consideration needs to be utilized when limiting or removing them. It took us a while to figure out that certain things are not good - like Cocomelon, and most recently the new PJ Masks episode/special (the one with a bear, I think) - and we still learn about new things that are good or bad as he ages up. The OT and ST followed a rule of "gotta try to focus or I pause the music." I was kind of iffy on this at first, but after seeing how well it worked and that they were not over the top with it, I was fine with it. They would move on to a different activity or try to alter the activity when it became obvious that it was creating dysregulation for him, or offer other regulating options like turning off the lights for 5 seconds or a weighted lap blanket, etc. I never allowed him to have his own tablet during his therapy time, but he knew he could have it when therapy was over. My kid isn't one that dances or bounces around all the time with his music- he just hates silence. I also hate silence, so the TV or music is basically always on in our home for noise. A good therapist should be working **with** you to figure out how to best help your little human. If these ones cannot do that, it might mean you need to find a different therapist. Edit to add: I have been following a person/page, NeuroWild, on FB. She is an autistic and ADHD speecb pathologist who posts a lot of infographics on how autistic brains work. She has a great one that specifically address screen time for autistic people that gave me a different perspective when my husband and I decided to drastically limit our sons screen time (and the chaos that came from that.) If you don't FB, she also lists her infographics on teacherspayteachers so it is easily viewed otherwise., The iPad is a no. The iPad would be competing with therapy and not supporting it. It’s okay for our children to have meltdowns in therapy. My son’s first day with his new speech therapist was meltdown city. When a child experiences big emotions in therapy that’s a natural opportunity for the therapist to model calming strategies or model words a speaking toddler would say during a meltdown. My speech therapist models “no, stop, don’t want, etc” (whatever is appropriate for the context) on my son’s AAC device when he’s having a big emotion. OT is also about redirection and regulation. If your child is having a meltdown in therapy the OT can redirect them to a sensory activity like swinging, jumping, spinning etc. so they can learn other ways to regulate themselves besides needing an iPad. It’s hard to hear our children cry. I can’t stand it. My son’s therapies are so much more productive when I wait in the car and let the therapist do their work without interfering. Good luck with everything and trust the process., If she has close to unlimited access to iPad at home, it's understandable that she hates therapies where she needs to focus and work AND there is no iPad. I'd ban the iPad entirely and focus on getting her interested in toys and other "real" things, then therapies can become places where new toys and interesting staff are. Regarding music - my son at this age would definitely get distrusted and would not listen to instructions well. If it's not an issue with your kid, I'd try to persuade the OT therapist to allow it and maybe slowly work on reducing the volume to minimal., Honestly I would try to strictly limit the iPad at home and elsewhere. She’s very young and the fact that she’s getting so dysregulated when she can’t use it is a sign that it’s not good for her., My son's speech and OT tried to go with a similar session plan: no screen, no music. Except my kid *hates* silence, he always has since the moment he got pulled from my abdomen (or it feels that way to me). Eventually his OT figured out that he was better able to focus on the task she asked him to do if the song he wanted was playing. His speech therapist eventually found some apps on her Ipad that she could incorporate into her plan, and also found that sessions were much more productive this way., Good ideas and good feedback. It just seems like she sees the therapy place and is instantly disregulated. They cant even really do anything with her because she is so upset. I'll leave in the hands of the experts though., Thanks for the feedback. I am hesitant to cut off the I pad for the reason we have actually seen really amazing progress through the educational apps on it. She is all over matching ,numbers, and is starting to repeat things. For visual learners, can't it be used for good ?, Yeh I agree it's become a thing of major comfort for her , i wonder without being able to communicate if it gives her something she can refocus on., That is exactly how i think but the ot is like completely not flexible with this. I think in situations she doesn’t feel comfortable she uses the iPad and more the music to regulate her anxiety. At home she uses it because it’s fun and stimulates her mind but in environments like therapy where it’s uncomfortable and scary she would probably use it to regulate herself. They never really built a rapport with her just took away what made her comfortable and it's a mess. I will just sit and trying and wrestle with her while she crys for hour and see what they want to do., That is a very hard place to be in. I am a firm believer that for some kids, tablets/screens are a regulation tool so great consideration needs to be utilized when limiting or removing them. It took us a while to figure out that certain things are not good - like Cocomelon, and most recently the new PJ Masks episode/special (the one with a bear, I think) - and we still learn about new things that are good or bad as he ages up. The OT and ST followed a rule of "gotta try to focus or I pause the music." I was kind of iffy on this at first, but after seeing how well it worked and that they were not over the top with it, I was fine with it. They would move on to a different activity or try to alter the activity when it became obvious that it was creating dysregulation for him, or offer other regulating options like turning off the lights for 5 seconds or a weighted lap blanket, etc. I never allowed him to have his own tablet during his therapy time, but he knew he could have it when therapy was over. My kid isn't one that dances or bounces around all the time with his music- he just hates silence. I also hate silence, so the TV or music is basically always on in our home for noise. A good therapist should be working **with** you to figure out how to best help your little human. If these ones cannot do that, it might mean you need to find a different therapist. Edit to add: I have been following a person/page, NeuroWild, on FB. She is an autistic and ADHD speecb pathologist who posts a lot of infographics on how autistic brains work. She has a great one that specifically address screen time for autistic people that gave me a different perspective when my husband and I decided to drastically limit our sons screen time (and the chaos that came from that.) If you don't FB, she also lists her infographics on teacherspayteachers so it is easily viewed otherwise., The iPad is a no. The iPad would be competing with therapy and not supporting it. It’s okay for our children to have meltdowns in therapy. My son’s first day with his new speech therapist was meltdown city. When a child experiences big emotions in therapy that’s a natural opportunity for the therapist to model calming strategies or model words a speaking toddler would say during a meltdown. My speech therapist models “no, stop, don’t want, etc” (whatever is appropriate for the context) on my son’s AAC device when he’s having a big emotion. OT is also about redirection and regulation. If your child is having a meltdown in therapy the OT can redirect them to a sensory activity like swinging, jumping, spinning etc. so they can learn other ways to regulate themselves besides needing an iPad. It’s hard to hear our children cry. I can’t stand it. My son’s therapies are so much more productive when I wait in the car and let the therapist do their work without interfering. Good luck with everything and trust the process., If she has close to unlimited access to iPad at home, it's understandable that she hates therapies where she needs to focus and work AND there is no iPad. I'd ban the iPad entirely and focus on getting her interested in toys and other "real" things, then therapies can become places where new toys and interesting staff are. Regarding music - my son at this age would definitely get distrusted and would not listen to instructions well. If it's not an issue with your kid, I'd try to persuade the OT therapist to allow it and maybe slowly work on reducing the volume to minimal., Honestly I would try to strictly limit the iPad at home and elsewhere. She’s very young and the fact that she’s getting so dysregulated when she can’t use it is a sign that it’s not good for her., My son's speech and OT tried to go with a similar session plan: no screen, no music. Except my kid *hates* silence, he always has since the moment he got pulled from my abdomen (or it feels that way to me). Eventually his OT figured out that he was better able to focus on the task she asked him to do if the song he wanted was playing. His speech therapist eventually found some apps on her Ipad that she could incorporate into her plan, and also found that sessions were much more productive this way., Good ideas and good feedback. It just seems like she sees the therapy place and is instantly disregulated. They cant even really do anything with her because she is so upset. I'll leave in the hands of the experts though., Thanks for the feedback. I am hesitant to cut off the I pad for the reason we have actually seen really amazing progress through the educational apps on it. She is all over matching ,numbers, and is starting to repeat things. For visual learners, can't it be used for good ?, Yeh I agree it's become a thing of major comfort for her , i wonder without being able to communicate if it gives her something she can refocus on., That is exactly how i think but the ot is like completely not flexible with this. I think in situations she doesn’t feel comfortable she uses the iPad and more the music to regulate her anxiety. At home she uses it because it’s fun and stimulates her mind but in environments like therapy where it’s uncomfortable and scary she would probably use it to regulate herself. They never really built a rapport with her just took away what made her comfortable and it's a mess. I will just sit and trying and wrestle with her while she crys for hour and see what they want to do., That is a very hard place to be in. I am a firm believer that for some kids, tablets/screens are a regulation tool so great consideration needs to be utilized when limiting or removing them. It took us a while to figure out that certain things are not good - like Cocomelon, and most recently the new PJ Masks episode/special (the one with a bear, I think) - and we still learn about new things that are good or bad as he ages up. The OT and ST followed a rule of "gotta try to focus or I pause the music." I was kind of iffy on this at first, but after seeing how well it worked and that they were not over the top with it, I was fine with it. They would move on to a different activity or try to alter the activity when it became obvious that it was creating dysregulation for him, or offer other regulating options like turning off the lights for 5 seconds or a weighted lap blanket, etc. I never allowed him to have his own tablet during his therapy time, but he knew he could have it when therapy was over. My kid isn't one that dances or bounces around all the time with his music- he just hates silence. I also hate silence, so the TV or music is basically always on in our home for noise. A good therapist should be working **with** you to figure out how to best help your little human. If these ones cannot do that, it might mean you need to find a different therapist. Edit to add: I have been following a person/page, NeuroWild, on FB. She is an autistic and ADHD speecb pathologist who posts a lot of infographics on how autistic brains work. She has a great one that specifically address screen time for autistic people that gave me a different perspective when my husband and I decided to drastically limit our sons screen time (and the chaos that came from that.) If you don't FB, she also lists her infographics on teacherspayteachers so it is easily viewed otherwise.

Help!

My 6 month does not respond to his name. When I google it says that this is a true sign of autism. Did your babies respond to their names. Pediatrician appointment is booked. He also give eye contact but sometimes he does not. Maybe I’m reaching. Sorry if this post is offensive.

Wait till 12-18 months. If he still doesn’t then it might warrant worry, but 6 months is teeny tiny., My son did not turn to his name, he was initially tested several times for deafness I personally think 6 months is too young to tell though, He’s only 6 months old. They don’t do all that much at that age… wait until 18 months., Pediatrician here- too early to tell for autism, based on these symptoms. Any concerns about his hearing overall? Does he respond to other noises?, it's hard to tell. my 3 year old has (assumed-not yet diagnosed) regressive autism. he was fully responding to his name, making eye contact, using simple words around 6mo until he was 18 months old. my youngest, who is now 6 months old is only now realizing there are other people around him and making eye contact. i personally think 6 months is just too early to tell, My 2 year old nephew responds fine to his name. He’s diagnosed as ASD Responding to their names is one of many many parts of Autism. By itself it means absolutely nothing. Also, 6 months is way too early to be worrying about this. A lot of babies don’t respond to their names that early., Your post isn’t offensive, but it’s kind of silly. I mean, what are you looking to accomplish with this? You won’t get a professional opinion here, only a doctor can. Plus, your asking a group of parents that clearly went on to have autistic children. So, anything we say affirming your anxiety will only lead to anxiety. What a silly post., 6 months????, I laughed at this post. Don’t worry too early to tell, Too early., 6 months is early in that milestone. I wouldn’t worry for most of these things until 18+ months., If that’s the only concern then don’t worry - he’s probably too busy learning about his environment and exploring!, Yes my son did right on time and made extended eye contact all throughout his infant year. He is now 3.5 and responds *immediately* to his name. He is non verbal and has level 3 autism., Around 2 yrs old my daughter wasn't responding to her name and other signs. Just wait for your child to be older it hard to tell as babies., Hey, Google is definitely a scary aspect of modern living. It will always display most worst case scenarios unnecessarily. From what I know and have seen, 6 months is early to expect name response. It can begin to start from your sons age though. So it could be right around the corner. My son had name response (he is undiagnosed as yet). But after 13 months old, he only then began to not respond. So there is truly no way of telling for a long while yet in your case. It’s most likely your little one is fine and they are doing ok, from what you have shared. Definitely get further advice etc from the professionals to reassure yourself though. Worrying can be so consuming., Wait until your baby is 16 months then do an mchatr online (find in Google). This is the way., My typically developing son didn’t respond until 9ish months I think., 6 months I'd say is early. My suggestion is don't adopt any nicknames at all and ensure their name is mentioned at any opportunity such as "Hello (name)" etc. At that sort of age, recognition of voices and people are a thing but the name takes a little longer. If at 12-18 months, you're still having the same recognition issues, then I'd follow up., Posts like this it’s so hard to tell. My son had 4 words, said mama at 6 months to call me not babble, looked to his name, was social, perfect eye contact, and did pretend play until around 18m. He has level 3 autism and is 5 nonverbal. Has never said a word since won’t do pretend play, can’t hold eye contact, although he has always responded to his name., 6 months is wayyyy to early it would be more concerning when baby is 18-24 months Also while those may be the text book signs of autism it's not the definite sign. My daughter is autistic and has always made eye contact and responded to name (she's 4). While my nephew hardly makes eye contact and isn't autistic (he is 8). He just says making eye contact is weird to him., Copied and Pasted. "The milestone of responding to one’s own name usually occurs between 4 and 9 months, according to the American Speech and Hearing Association (ASHA). Not all babies reach this milestone at the same time, of course, but most should be appearing to recognize their name with consistency between the ages of 7 and 9 months." 6months is too early to be concerned about this milestone. I honestly wasn't aware that this was an early concern. My 5yr old still doesn't respond to his name. I describe it as the world's best selective hearing., ok first of all... 6 months? ​ first time huh?, Its not silly to ask. Keep track of milestones (like on the CDC milestone tracker app) and keep talking to baby without distractions (tv on etc) and see if they respond to their name then., Way too early. See what they're doing between 18-24 months. My son is four and a half now and still only responds to his name when he feels like it 🤣, Yes he responds to noises and our voices!, Hi! My son is 7.5 months adjusted age and was born 5 weeks early. I think he responds to his name sometimes (or he’s just turning to the sound of voice) but he doesn’t babble and doesn’t make much sounds and bad eye contact. He does respond to noises. Would you say it’s still too early for autism signs?, Name response is the most predictive question on the mchat., That is very interesting., We typically wait until 12 months to screen for autism mostly because there is some variation in how quickly babies acquire various skills. But if you have concerns about any dimension of your child's development, bring it to your pediatricians attention. In the US early intervention programs are available in every state for evaluation and treatment of delays. Good luck, Not at 6 months, If that was confusing I meant his first word was mama at 6 months. Always responded to name. Had 4 words and did the rest of things until 18 months. He started to regress at 18m and lost all speech and was no longer social. Hated playing and books behaviors started. He did always stim but I think that’s normal at that age?, Thanks for the response! I’ve mentioned my concerns to my pediatrician multiple times and because my son gave her eye contact and a smile, she didn’t have any concerns even though I told her that he’s not like this at home. It’s frustrating!, Oh for sure. I don't know what I was thinking lol., Oh I understand better now. Thank you for clarifying., Yes he did not have 4 words at 6 months 😂 but I believe by 12m he did which I think is still somewhat delayed. It’s just interesting to see the videos 18m and younger I have of him and how everything changed., Yes that would be very interesting…and frustrating and hard. My child didn’t experience regression…just a lack of progression. Also hard, different, but hard., I knew very young. There was a always a disconnect. It was always hard to reach him if that makes sense. Im still struggling to understand what our lives will look like., Yes I read somewhere that regressive autism and loss of language have a higher chance of being nonverbal for life than those who never spoke before., My cousin son also autistic never spoke until 4-5. He really only uses “I want” sentences. Or will state things he wants to do like “bass pro” meaning he wants to go to bass pro. You never know some pick up language at a later age and just take off speaking, I wonder why that is? I don’t understand how there can be so much variation within the same diagnosis. I wish we had more answers. That might be the hardest aspect to deal with. That and all the other unknowns., Wow. That must be hard. I wish you and your family the best., Yes it for sure it’s. It took me many years to come to terms with everything. I try not to think about the future anymore bc it’s upsetting to me to consider the negative what ifs. Best advice I can give is focus on the now., May I ask what you saw in your son? How was that he was disconnected? I feel the same about my son now., Thank you! I wish you the best as well❤️, I agree. I just focus on making my son happy today. How can I make today the best day for my son. And that’s it.

Help!

Ok so my 5yr old is 90% independent with toileting. He goes when he needs and asks to go when we are not at home. He has never had an accident since he became toilet trained! However, we do still have to wipe for #2. (Honestly I thought this was normal, even my typical niece who’s in 1st grade asks to still be wiped, but she’s also learned to hold it till she’s at home in her safe space most of the time) However, after going to welcome night for Kindergarten for this up incoming Fall, all parents were told they are not aloud to help the students and or wipe, change or help in the bathroom. So my question and or advice is how do I not set my son up to fail?! We are hoping he learns this task by the end of summer, or learns to go before or after school, but I don’t want him to struggle on something that he has almost mastered! So We have been having him attempt to wipe with toilet paper which so far has been a nightmare, and with my son’s sensory issues he refuses to hold a wet wipe… any parent have a fool proof way on how to get this learned or any ideas to help?! The only thing I can think of is to somehow include it in his IEP, but not sure since this is all new to us.. Thanks in advanced!

We used the hand-over-hand method, and a lot of patience; I don’t have any good ideas for you there. However, my grandson (level 2 ASD/ADHD) definitely has assistance with toileting written into his IEP. Idk how extensive the assistance is, or how it’s worded, but you definitely can include it in an IEP., Thank you! Just knowing I CAN include it in the IEP helps my anxiety on this matter., We used the hand-over-hand method, and a lot of patience; I don’t have any good ideas for you there. However, my grandson (level 2 ASD/ADHD) definitely has assistance with toileting written into his IEP. Idk how extensive the assistance is, or how it’s worded, but you definitely can include it in an IEP., Thank you! Just knowing I CAN include it in the IEP helps my anxiety on this matter., We used the hand-over-hand method, and a lot of patience; I don’t have any good ideas for you there. However, my grandson (level 2 ASD/ADHD) definitely has assistance with toileting written into his IEP. Idk how extensive the assistance is, or how it’s worded, but you definitely can include it in an IEP., Thank you! Just knowing I CAN include it in the IEP helps my anxiety on this matter., We used the hand-over-hand method, and a lot of patience; I don’t have any good ideas for you there. However, my grandson (level 2 ASD/ADHD) definitely has assistance with toileting written into his IEP. Idk how extensive the assistance is, or how it’s worded, but you definitely can include it in an IEP., Thank you! Just knowing I CAN include it in the IEP helps my anxiety on this matter.

Help!! Will only drink one type of drink from one type of cup

My daughter 2 1/2 has improved greatly over the last few months and started talking. She use to be a wondeerful eater and would eat or drink just about anything you put infront of her although getting her to drink enough water has always been a huge challenge. Recently she has become an extremely picky eater and to finally help get a little more liquids down we bought a special disney and such types of cups. Except now she will ONLY Drink one type of liquid out of eat cup and if you don't have a cup for each thing she will absolutely not drink it no matter how much she wants it. Clearly I am just going to have to go and buy more cups is the easiest solution.. but melts downs over then and such extreme dehavior has made me feel like I am losing my mind. Has anyone else experienced this behavior?? If so what did you do how long did it last??

Such is Autism 😂 my daughter only drinks out of a NUK sippy and she’s 4. As long as she’s getting her water and drinks I’m happy to accommodate. It took forever to switch from her bottle though. That was so frustrating! But we did it. I had to “loose” her bottle and continue offering her the sippy., Definitely stock up on the cups! I've seen a number of desperate shout outs from parents on a local Facebook page where they need a very specific item but now it's out of stock/ discontinued.    My boy is 5 and I'd say the meltdowns started at 2 and had eased off around 4. His language delay meant there are was no reasoning with him, all we could do was avoid things the things that triggered them as much as possible.  Just editing to add, for my boy it was just cuddles, rocking him and soothing words until they passed. 40 mins cuddling on a supermarket floor was one of the most spectacular ones! It can be very difficult when you're out alone in public. A cool head and reassuring tone is key. , Yep. 4 year old will only drink out of a specific cup. The manufacturer recently changed the design and now the cup is opaque. Since he can’t see the liquid, he refuses to use it. I went on our local autism group and was able to find some of with the old design. This is very typical. For the older one, I once had to drive 40 miles to get yogurt when the manufacturer changed the container design., Same here. 5 year old will only use 1 sippy cup with a specific pattern and color that we can’t find anymore of. Working on it in OT., Such is Autism 😂 my daughter only drinks out of a NUK sippy and she’s 4. As long as she’s getting her water and drinks I’m happy to accommodate. It took forever to switch from her bottle though. That was so frustrating! But we did it. I had to “loose” her bottle and continue offering her the sippy., Definitely stock up on the cups! I've seen a number of desperate shout outs from parents on a local Facebook page where they need a very specific item but now it's out of stock/ discontinued.    My boy is 5 and I'd say the meltdowns started at 2 and had eased off around 4. His language delay meant there are was no reasoning with him, all we could do was avoid things the things that triggered them as much as possible.  Just editing to add, for my boy it was just cuddles, rocking him and soothing words until they passed. 40 mins cuddling on a supermarket floor was one of the most spectacular ones! It can be very difficult when you're out alone in public. A cool head and reassuring tone is key. , Yep. 4 year old will only drink out of a specific cup. The manufacturer recently changed the design and now the cup is opaque. Since he can’t see the liquid, he refuses to use it. I went on our local autism group and was able to find some of with the old design. This is very typical. For the older one, I once had to drive 40 miles to get yogurt when the manufacturer changed the container design., Same here. 5 year old will only use 1 sippy cup with a specific pattern and color that we can’t find anymore of. Working on it in OT., Such is Autism 😂 my daughter only drinks out of a NUK sippy and she’s 4. As long as she’s getting her water and drinks I’m happy to accommodate. It took forever to switch from her bottle though. That was so frustrating! But we did it. I had to “loose” her bottle and continue offering her the sippy., Definitely stock up on the cups! I've seen a number of desperate shout outs from parents on a local Facebook page where they need a very specific item but now it's out of stock/ discontinued.    My boy is 5 and I'd say the meltdowns started at 2 and had eased off around 4. His language delay meant there are was no reasoning with him, all we could do was avoid things the things that triggered them as much as possible.  Just editing to add, for my boy it was just cuddles, rocking him and soothing words until they passed. 40 mins cuddling on a supermarket floor was one of the most spectacular ones! It can be very difficult when you're out alone in public. A cool head and reassuring tone is key. , Yep. 4 year old will only drink out of a specific cup. The manufacturer recently changed the design and now the cup is opaque. Since he can’t see the liquid, he refuses to use it. I went on our local autism group and was able to find some of with the old design. This is very typical. For the older one, I once had to drive 40 miles to get yogurt when the manufacturer changed the container design., Same here. 5 year old will only use 1 sippy cup with a specific pattern and color that we can’t find anymore of. Working on it in OT., Such is Autism 😂 my daughter only drinks out of a NUK sippy and she’s 4. As long as she’s getting her water and drinks I’m happy to accommodate. It took forever to switch from her bottle though. That was so frustrating! But we did it. I had to “loose” her bottle and continue offering her the sippy., Definitely stock up on the cups! I've seen a number of desperate shout outs from parents on a local Facebook page where they need a very specific item but now it's out of stock/ discontinued.    My boy is 5 and I'd say the meltdowns started at 2 and had eased off around 4. His language delay meant there are was no reasoning with him, all we could do was avoid things the things that triggered them as much as possible.  Just editing to add, for my boy it was just cuddles, rocking him and soothing words until they passed. 40 mins cuddling on a supermarket floor was one of the most spectacular ones! It can be very difficult when you're out alone in public. A cool head and reassuring tone is key. , Yep. 4 year old will only drink out of a specific cup. The manufacturer recently changed the design and now the cup is opaque. Since he can’t see the liquid, he refuses to use it. I went on our local autism group and was able to find some of with the old design. This is very typical. For the older one, I once had to drive 40 miles to get yogurt when the manufacturer changed the container design., Same here. 5 year old will only use 1 sippy cup with a specific pattern and color that we can’t find anymore of. Working on it in OT.

Help.

My 12 year old daughter keeps scratching her crotch, over clothing. Then puts her fingers in her mouth. Why? How do I discourage this? Help its so gross!

We’re going to need more information than this. What are her support needs? How verbal is she? Is this 24/7 or occasional? She could be masturbating or need to see a doctor for a yeast infection….. And I’ll assume you aren’t telling her it’s gross., [deleted], Your last point, absolutly not. Very gentle parenting here, always looking to support, give her confidence and help her with their issues etc. You are right more details would help. My post was a bit knee jerk, have since chatted with my wife. One of the things I love about my daughter is she wears her autism as a badge to be proud of, she owns it, because we gave her safe place to be herself. Regards masturbation, we have had those chats, she has had a yeast infection before, she is very vocal and unabashed about bodies. Thanks for your input., O hell no I would never do that to her! We are very body positive, gentle parenting and always looking for ways to help and encourage her. Saying gross here was a way of venting, you know when you get taken a back and don't know what to do?, Your daughter sounds amazing and you’re doing a great job., appreciate this, thank you. We were on the beach, wife was having a swim when this happened. Panicked a bit as was unsure how to handle the situation. She has PDA so wording is key when asking her to do or not do something.

Help: Problems with School Staff

Background: I have a 7yo son who has been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. (In his evaluation he showed traits of autism, but not enough for them to formally diagnose - personally, I suspect he is, as I am as well). His school switched him from a 504 to support services through Special Education. His only accommodations are: - Minimize distractions - Preferential seating - Reminders to stay on task - 60 minutes weekly of inclusion support for ELA Now: the school issued for the entire student population that “7 or more marks in a students folder OR an office referral would result in not participating in Field Day or end of year classroom parties”. My son is currently in the process of switching medications and adjusting dosage - we all know how hard this can be on them! Needless to say, 2 days ago his teacher had to send him to the office after multiple attempts to get him to stop making noises - which I understand, she has to teach her lesson and it isn’t fair to other kids. HOWEVER, the assistant principal called me stating because of this, he doesn’t get to participate in field day/end of year class parties. I just don’t think this is fair! He’s 7. He has extra needs. His medicine is being adjusted - and they all know this! Last week on his first day of an upped dosage, he had to go to the nurses because it affected him so badly. :( IMO, I don’t think he should have such a severe consequence, especially when he isn’t classified as general population. Am I wrong? Am I being “THAT” mom? I don’t know what to do. I honestly feel they aren’t equipped to handle him and his needs. :( TL;DR: my son’s school is prohibiting him from participating in EOY fun bc he was sent to the office in the midst of medication change.

Maybe set up a meeting with the principal (bring an ally/advocate as well), to discuss the punitive results of a medical condition/reaction to medication and why they feel the school's response is appropriate? Make sure you are taking notes with quotes; it will support your case if they double down and you choose to go to court. And yes, schedule an IEP meeting to make sure his IEP reflects accomodations needed to ensure he is continuing to receive his education at times when his being in the class is inadvertantly disruptive, instead of being sent to the office., I would be livid personally. Your child sounds a lot like mine. The noises are 100% a symptom of the adhd. I’d email to request an iep meeting today to add additional accommodations. Hell would literally freeze over before I’d let symptoms obviously attributed to adhd result in such a major disciplinary action. Get his iep changed before this continues further. Hire an advocate if you have to. I did and it was so worth it., This is ridiculous, honestly. I understand they want things to be “fair” to everybody, but there are things they need to be taking into consideration, here. I think people see ADHD as kids just being hyper sometimes, but it’s way more than that. Adjusting meds can be so difficult. It’s not even the end of the year yet, for crying out loud. Most professionals will also tell you that discipline like that is not effective. It shouldn’t be a discipline that’s a month away. A simple cool down period would be way more effective. Or even weekly prizes. This would be a good approach for teenagers, but not youngins, Maybe set up a meeting with the principal (bring an ally/advocate as well), to discuss the punitive results of a medical condition/reaction to medication and why they feel the school's response is appropriate? Make sure you are taking notes with quotes; it will support your case if they double down and you choose to go to court. And yes, schedule an IEP meeting to make sure his IEP reflects accomodations needed to ensure he is continuing to receive his education at times when his being in the class is inadvertantly disruptive, instead of being sent to the office., I would be livid personally. Your child sounds a lot like mine. The noises are 100% a symptom of the adhd. I’d email to request an iep meeting today to add additional accommodations. Hell would literally freeze over before I’d let symptoms obviously attributed to adhd result in such a major disciplinary action. Get his iep changed before this continues further. Hire an advocate if you have to. I did and it was so worth it., This is ridiculous, honestly. I understand they want things to be “fair” to everybody, but there are things they need to be taking into consideration, here. I think people see ADHD as kids just being hyper sometimes, but it’s way more than that. Adjusting meds can be so difficult. It’s not even the end of the year yet, for crying out loud. Most professionals will also tell you that discipline like that is not effective. It shouldn’t be a discipline that’s a month away. A simple cool down period would be way more effective. Or even weekly prizes. This would be a good approach for teenagers, but not youngins, Maybe set up a meeting with the principal (bring an ally/advocate as well), to discuss the punitive results of a medical condition/reaction to medication and why they feel the school's response is appropriate? Make sure you are taking notes with quotes; it will support your case if they double down and you choose to go to court. And yes, schedule an IEP meeting to make sure his IEP reflects accomodations needed to ensure he is continuing to receive his education at times when his being in the class is inadvertantly disruptive, instead of being sent to the office., I would be livid personally. Your child sounds a lot like mine. The noises are 100% a symptom of the adhd. I’d email to request an iep meeting today to add additional accommodations. Hell would literally freeze over before I’d let symptoms obviously attributed to adhd result in such a major disciplinary action. Get his iep changed before this continues further. Hire an advocate if you have to. I did and it was so worth it., This is ridiculous, honestly. I understand they want things to be “fair” to everybody, but there are things they need to be taking into consideration, here. I think people see ADHD as kids just being hyper sometimes, but it’s way more than that. Adjusting meds can be so difficult. It’s not even the end of the year yet, for crying out loud. Most professionals will also tell you that discipline like that is not effective. It shouldn’t be a discipline that’s a month away. A simple cool down period would be way more effective. Or even weekly prizes. This would be a good approach for teenagers, but not youngins, Maybe set up a meeting with the principal (bring an ally/advocate as well), to discuss the punitive results of a medical condition/reaction to medication and why they feel the school's response is appropriate? Make sure you are taking notes with quotes; it will support your case if they double down and you choose to go to court. And yes, schedule an IEP meeting to make sure his IEP reflects accomodations needed to ensure he is continuing to receive his education at times when his being in the class is inadvertantly disruptive, instead of being sent to the office., I would be livid personally. Your child sounds a lot like mine. The noises are 100% a symptom of the adhd. I’d email to request an iep meeting today to add additional accommodations. Hell would literally freeze over before I’d let symptoms obviously attributed to adhd result in such a major disciplinary action. Get his iep changed before this continues further. Hire an advocate if you have to. I did and it was so worth it., This is ridiculous, honestly. I understand they want things to be “fair” to everybody, but there are things they need to be taking into consideration, here. I think people see ADHD as kids just being hyper sometimes, but it’s way more than that. Adjusting meds can be so difficult. It’s not even the end of the year yet, for crying out loud. Most professionals will also tell you that discipline like that is not effective. It shouldn’t be a discipline that’s a month away. A simple cool down period would be way more effective. Or even weekly prizes. This would be a good approach for teenagers, but not youngins

Here’s what it’s like being an autism parent

You see these Pinterest posts and Facebook posts on how moms are venting about being working or even SAHM moms because it’s hard. And it is. Mom culture in general is hard. Stay healthy, stay groomed, take time for you, keep your nails done, make up your face, get your hair done, professional development, clean household, make time for friends (mom wine culture!), healthy marriage, healthy kids with nutrition! kids in extracurriculars, carpool drop offs and pick ups, volunteer your time (as a parent in the classroom, as a human with philanthropy), exercise, mental health, home renovations, pay your bills, pay your taxes, watch your weight, keep your meetings, keep your friendships, keep your family fed, be a pillar in society…it never stops. For an autism parent it’s all of this PLUS- fighting tooth and nail for the resources your kid needs, (for me, and my son is high functioning), an extra hour of homework a night because it takes him so long, therapy after school, conference calls with the school, with the IU, IEP meetings, OT, speech therapy, CBT, ABA… and all of the things. The money. The time. The schedules. How do you all do it?

Short answer is, you don't do it all. I look like something a cat dragged in, 9 days out of 10. But, damn it, my kid gets services., I think sometimes people have no idea what parents of special needs kids go through. For example, a family friend's daughter had a baby with Down's syndrome, and when she mentioned that I said 'oh I'm sorry to hear that, it must be hard' and she looked upset. It was like someone punched me in the gut because all I could think was that new mom is going to have all the challenges that her mom faced raising her kids, but on top of that, her daughter will have to deal with the challenges we all know that come with raising a special needs kid. Like my family knows that I have two girls with ADHD and one is autistic. Both delayed speech and development, but the younger one is more impacted. Until my brother was in town recently to help my mom after my dad passed, my kids hadn't spent a lot of time just with him so I don't think he realized the extent of the challenges we face daily. My mom knows the challenges but unless you're living it, you don't realize what it all entails. Say for instance, having ABA or other therapy providers in the home regularly, like when my autistic daughter was in early intervention. Having to clean to make sure the home was presentable and they'd be able to work with her on the floor was a huge deal. When they came the same day, no problem. When they came a day or two apart, then I had to do a good cleaning twice. Or the amount of time to shuttle them to therapies. Or the time to find a therapy center, or fight with insurance, or track down ADHD meds during an Adderall shortage. These minutes add up and no one without kids like ours has any idea the time suck that goes into getting them the services they need to make sure they are the best version of themselves. That said, it's time well spent. When I look at my now 12yo that had delayed development and didn't talk in sentences until she was 7, I know it was worth every freaking second. Though sometimes now I wish she had a mute button because tweens have attitude., , I was like, wow, I am barely doing six of those things. First, every part of that which involves only mom, not doing any of that. Second, if we make it through the day and all 6 of us are still breathing, it is a win. I told my husband it's like when you were at the amusement park looking up at this terrifying roller coaster. You heard all the screaming, you saw the people's faces when they got off, and still you thought, "I'm going to do it. I am going to ride that rollercoaster. " Now you're on it. You're hearing that click-click going up that hill, and the only thing that's going through your mind is, "Oh crap, what was I thinking?" Now, all that's left to do is hang on for dear life, grit your teeth through the twists and turns, scream and cry through the scary parts, and enjoy the good parts. Sometimes when my husband asks me how I am doing, all I can say is, "I am just holding on to the lap bar with my eyes closed waiting for this part to be over." He knows exactly what I am talking about., I have one kid instead of two or three... because I can't meet the needs of more then one kid with extra needs..., Current Photo of me , At the very least we don't sneak out in the middle of the night, Take it a day at a time. Be graceful with yourself if you miss or forget something. Ask for all the support and accommodations at work that you can. It’s SO hard. When people tell me “idk how you do it” I feel so angry-I’m like I don’t! I’m drowning! And my kiddo is only 3. Doesn’t even go to real school yet. I’m so scared for the future and think to myself that I KNOW I can’t do it. And yes I often feel anger just knowing that people have no idea. I tell myself “every mom of a 3 year old feels like this” to make myself feel better lol, I feel like I’m playing the game of life on expert mode as a single, working parent with an autistic child and possibly two more kids with adhd., I always feel like I’m forgetting something. It’s a constant feeling, as there’s so much to juggle during the day., This. So much. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this. And also I feel like a lot of moms whose kids have higher support needs are less likely to be judgy Karen’s about things. My son was dx almost a year ago at 4 in Dec. and I feel like I’m treading water in the deep end, hoping the things I’m advocating for are right or enough in the areas he needs. I am quitting my professional job soon because I can’t keep up and he needs alot before kindergarten next year. I feel like there’s just crap that’s going to have to drop and I’ve had to get a thicker skin about not caring what people think about some of it and also saying no to some things. I remember once I got side eye from a few moms because I would forget that one of the weeks was spirit week and my kid didn’t come to his half day daycare (for 3 hours) dressed accordingly like a mad scientist or whatever they decided that day was. They had spirit week every.month starting when my kiddo was 1. I grew a very eff that attitude because kids that young don’t care about any of that… especially mine as it turned out and also there were about 5 bajillion things on my mind some in that list above that where more important., I designate days to do bits. Like today is the whole house reset,daughter has tablet, and I take breaks to sit/try to play with her. I don't wash my hair every day. I use dry shampoo 4-5 times a week. Quick showers. I put earphones in to make important calls and just get bits done while on hold, etc. I've started going swimming one evening a week now,just for some me time. She's started nursery 3 mornings a week, and I take her to group once a week. Meltdowns and her needs are very high most days without fighting everyone to get what she needs. It's fucking hard but you've got this! You don't have to do make up everyday,or even wash your hair. Society and "influencers" dictate how you're meant to be as a woman,but tbh it's all bullshit., I drop the ball constantly It's so hard and I'm breaking, You can't do it all. I tried. My oldest is a high spirited NT, and my youngest has ADD. I am in this forum because I'm sure both my nephews are autistic, and I want to support my SIL as much as I can. I tried to do everything. Healthy food, exercise, schooling while working, taking the kids to play groups, spending time with my partner, paying bills, taking my ADD child to appointments (took him 5 years to get diagnosed). It was a recipe for burnout. There's a meme about "Pick any two" that was a real eye opener for me. The list had things like "clean house" "full time job" "healthy dinner" "fit and toned body" "extra time with kids" "thriving love life" etc. That kind of became my new barometer for what I consider to be success in my life. Each day I mentally pick two. Some days I can manage three or four, and other days I can barely manage one. I try not to put too much pressure on myself because I now know that having it all is an unobtainable goal. I just do the best I can, and it has to be enough, and I've realized over time that it is enough,  Not endorsing or doing drugs but definitely look like the Cheri O’Terry crazy pill lady most mornings, >Stay healthy, stay groomed, take time for you, keep your nails done, make up your face, get your hair done, professional development, clean household, make time for friends (mom wine culture!), healthy marriage, healthy kids with nutrition! kids in extracurriculars, carpool drop offs and pick ups, volunteer your time (as a parent in the classroom, as a human with philanthropy), exercise, mental health, home renovations, pay your bills, pay your taxes, watch your weight, keep your meetings, keep your friendships, keep your family fed, be a pillar in society…it never stops. I do my nails once a week, my makeup routine takes 10 min tops, I wear wigs or headwraps due to stress induced alopecia, I do one chore a day, I see my best friend once a month and that's usually at some kids sports game with wine in a water bottle. I'm not married nor will I ever be. I have a babysitter that picks him up from school every day. I don't volunteer. I try to go for a walk with my kid 3x a week. Most times, that doesn't happen. I live in an apartment, so the landlord takes care of it all. I don't watch my weight as I live off coffee and anxiety mostly and I could give a fuck less about being a pillar in society. I just focus on the day ahead of me. That's all I can do. As long as my kid is fed, healthy, and happy, the rest can wait., I don’t do everything of that. Even if my kid was the easiest, I couldn’t find time to be miss perfect. Sorry, that’s just me and I don’t take the whole pressure put on my by the media, consciously., My wife & I WFH. His life essentially comes 1st for care times, medical appointments, therapies. Friends & family were first things to be cut out. We wear our PJ’s 23 out of 24 hours in a day. Chores like laundry and dishes are done on our lunch breaks. We take morning and night shifts so we can each get 1 decent night sleep every other day. Our LO is Lvl 3 non-verbal and 2. We also homeschool early early pre-school before we will send him next year. I always try to tell people our normal is way different then theirs when colleagues ask what we did to enjoy the weekend., Oh I am a single dad of a 3 YO level three. and i also have a 6 YO as well. dont even get me started haha...(i moved in with parents so that was helpful), I just don't do it all, at least not all at once. Parenting, and especially autism parenting, is like imperfect juggling. You know you're going to drop some balls, you just need to recognize which ones are the glass balls and which ones are the rubber balls., So true! I've been keeping track of all the phone calls and emails and appointments with school and specialists - it's every single day! And why is it that homework takes so long? It's excrucuating... not that my kid can always even manage to start it., No one can do it all. One must pick their battles. I just want my kids to be happy, healthy and safe. This summer I didn’t have my kids in sports and I felt such a sense of freedom. It was so nice not to be so scheduled and be able to do a day trip without worrying about being back at a certain time for a practice for a sport. Also I am more and more low maintenance as I get older. I barely wear makeup. I don’t care what others think anymore. People can just take me or leave me. I’m not at the school or an event to make an impression, I’m there for my kids., I do it because I'm lucky enough to have a job that doesn't keep tabs or care where I am as long as my work is getting done. So if I have to work in the waiting room while my son gets therapy, I do. If I have to take half a day off to get my son evaluated, I can do that. My husband works for himself, so he also has a flexible schedule. And it's still hard. But not as hard as it could be. I will say I don't hold myself to all those standards you mentioned, at least not for some arbitrary external pressure reason. I place a lot of emphasis every day on self care, with a morning routine full of small actions I try to stick to no matter what's going on that day. Stuff like, clean up kitchen while my son's waffles are toasting, make bed and do short bouts of strength training while he's brushing his teeth (still needs assistance but is learning to be more independent with that.) I find this is necessary for my mental health. I really don't have much time to volunteer, but I work for a nonprofit so I get a lot of meaning out of that. I can't remember the last time I got my hair done and I don't think I've ever done my nails since I was maybe ten years old. I'm not really concerned with projecting a certain image. What I'm concerned with is improving the quality of my day to day life. So that's where most of my energy goes., This might not be the right answer but we don’t take our child to therapy,. he’s four. We take him to the mountains for long hikes, to the beach, to the pool, to the city, to the parks, to restaurants. We have our child out of the house and doing stuff with us every single day. I would rather he spends his childhood doing things he loves and that we love as a family than forcing him through a system. I just know going through all those therapies would make my child more anxious and stressed than anything else., seems like you forgot that us dads are here too?, How old is your kiddo? An hour of homework a night seems excessive. When I was a teacher I told the kids out in 20 min of effort and if you’re not done/ it’s too hard stop and we can review the next day. I’d have had no problem modifying the amount of problems to be completed if it’s taking you that long every night. I actually had some kids have that worked into their IEPs that their homework would be modified. I’d reach out to his teacher and see if there’s any wiggle room., My therapist once said something that has stuck with me. No one is capable of doing everything that moms and women on social media do. If they seem to be doing it, it is because they have resources to support that, whether that is money to pay someone, or a huge family support system. Once you realize a lot of that is bullshit, it becomes easier to prioritize. I can't remember the last time I wore makeup or did my hair beyond brushing it. My wardrobe has a lot of easy to throw on business casual. I decided long ago that, if men don't have to do it, I won't. My house is messy, but hygienic. I do a reset once a month. Etc., Instead of the fun mom stuff, I just cry once a week. Lol. No wine here. It's been 3 years since my last mani-pedi, my hair is always a mess, I never have time to put make-up on, my breakfast is coffee made at 8am and finished at 4pm, and I do my showers at 2am... But... I get to hear my son's BCBA, tutor, and teacher tell me I'm a good mom because I'm using all resources I can find for him. Not really sure if its a good trade off because I'm so exhausted and am on the brink of a breakdown every month. I don't know how some parents just throw them in school and not care. It's mind boggling. My in laws did that for their obviously ND kids and I'm jealous that they're unbothered., I have an autistic 5yo and an NT 2 year old. I no longer listen to the complaints of parents with NT kids .. because.. they're so so easy. Eeeeaaassyy. Omg my 2 year old is easy. He eats food, sleeps, learns everything easily. Tantrums for reasons I understand. My autistic son is like raising 3 kids. Everything is hard. Everything. Getting into the car, coming home, shopping, potty. Won't eat most things. So stressful., Hi .. I have a 12 year old non-verbal son. He is amazing and also could be difficult at times. I have found this meditation very helpful to put things into perspective. I have been looking for something like this for a long time. It is created by an autism parent. Highly Recommended. [Calming meditation / Affirmation for Autism Parents](https://youtu.be/7ZoNx4Ibc8I?si=COA-v2Aohmzl2MOR), This. I look like the trunchbull most days, I wfh so no one sees me 😂 I try to toss some self care in every so often but at the end of the day my son has his therapy, my oldest has his activities too and that’s what matters to me. I had to give up a few things I enjoy to be able to afford it all buttt they are both doing well so it’s worth it., Exactly, what's a shower? Damn I miss daily showers., I was at a course for parents with teenagers with ADHD. My daughter had just been diagnosed at 14. And her younger sister had just gotten an ASD diagnosis. One of the other moms said that she had no idea that her experience with parenting was so difficult. Until she got a new boyfriend that had two NT teenage kids, and she was shocked at how easy it was for him. I also thought the diffuculties I had were the norm, because parenting is hard, right? And when I talked to my sister she had some of the same issues. Turned out we both had ND kids. That mom's words really resonated with me., Me by the end of the day., This made me cry. In a good way. Thank you., That was amazing …when’s the book out 👍, My oldest (AudHD) tricked us and hit every developmental milestone on time or early until age 4. Then she started showing all the signs of her autism, anxiety and adhd. By that point she already had a 1 year old brother. Who was developmentally delayed and in Early Intervention by then and is most likely autistic too and has speech and motor delays. They definitely can fool you!!, Same…I would never be able to juggle multiple kids bcuz of the needs of my one, Oh my god 😂😂, Well,I do. I go to the grocery store, get gas and other menial tasks I can’t get done with everyone awake,lol., but let me tell ya.. a have a son who is 3 and NT and my four year old is ND and my three year old drives me to the ground way more than my four year old., Can you expand on what accommodations can you ask for at work? Also, have a 3 year old and I can relate so much with the fear for the future, Right?!, Too bad they took this off the market 😭, I love this analogy, While I can agree with too many therapies being harmful, you have to keep in mind that with many kids with autism it's fairly impossible to go to the beach or go hiking with., Except early intervention is literally proven to make the person's life better overall. Mine will go to therapies., You know she didn’t intentionally exclude father, You’re right, I did forget dads, I apologize. That wasn’t intentional, but instead a reflection of what it looks like more in our household and a lot of the households I see. It doesn’t mean there aren’t active fathers, I just don’t see as much of it., Kindergarten!! And this is the second week! And it’s not because it’s too hard, he’s cognitively there, it’s that it’s a lot of work., I have a 13 year old non verbal son do you homeschool ? I just started this year it’s frustrating do you have any recommendations, I do badly want to do it all but it’s impossible. I have so much respect for this community doing it right and don’t think I can. I want s glimmer of hope that my child will live a normal life (and us too) but I don’t see that happening and it’s exhausting already., The trunchbull😂 This killed me me. I do that bun all the time. Then I have to add mascara because I look in the mirror 😂😂😂😂😂. Thanks for the laugh, ...heh, fist bump of solidarity. Daily showers were nice., My oldest is NT, and I was mostly a single mother to him, and nothing we ever went through, not even the worst days, could have *ever* prepared me for this variety. This life. They are ten 1/2 years apart. I sometimes wonder if it makes it worse, to know just how much no one understands & how much harder all of this is. Everything is harder and not comparable to having a typical child., Oh I feel you so hard., Some days, by noon, Hi there, May I ask what signs of autism your child exhibited only until 4? , Yea, 3 just sucks!!! 😂, Ah, yes. Threenagers. Terrible twos have nothing on threenagers, Me too! I Don't even need to remember where I heard it from, but I've been living by it ever since., I agree. I am cautious taking my 3 yo to the park he loves to “escape” and runs really fast. Beaches are out of the question until he’s older and understands “hey that’s dangerous, I could really get hurt”, It definitely depends on the child and their needs. It used to be impossible but now my child loves it., I guess... but as I read this long list... how is this a mom specific thing? Maybe I read it the wrong way... The truth is - how do moms get everything done? With the help of a spouse that is just as dedicated to their kids, house and career..., Yea I would reach out to the teacher and see if you can modify just the # of problems or shorten the time. Ex he’s got 10 math problems he does 5. I taught kinder and I know every year they push more on the kids. I have a whole rant about it lol. Reach out to the teacher. Hopefully they’ll agree the current homework situation isn’t working out., I homeschooled my son all the way to 5th grade. It IS frustrating but I think my son learned more at home than he has in school. I eventually ended up sending him to school so he could be around other kids and in a school setting. I found it easier to hire him a teacher rather than teaching him myself. With that said, I started with teaching myself and then transitioned to a tutor/teacher. I focused on his abilities and what he needed to learn to survive in this world. I stopped thinking about academic milestones. In my son’s case I taught him whatever came to mind. Anything he struggled with. Important concepts… like what is “electricity”? “Less vs more” “money” expensive vs cheap”, some anatomy, basic math, sun vs moon vs earth… etc. we used education.com, ixl, splashlearn, and asdreaders. I always thought I am not doing enough. But when he finally went to school, he knew more than most his classmates. His teachers were very impressed. Honestly, he has not learned much since… except coloring! I am hiring him another tutor to teach him more things at home while he still goes to school. Hope this helps., I love the way you said “this variety “ it’s a great way to describe the crazy ride it can be 😳. It’s funny how life throws curveballs , I hear you sister ., Some days just getting them out to School, She didn't exhibit any until 4.... then she regressed., Moms default carry the load. I would wager a substantial percentage of us here are moms or female caregivers. It’s not that we aren’t talking about dads doing all of this (my husband is the default parent for our younger kid, he schedules and establishes most of her needs) it’s just speaking to the majority from the majority. You’re right though, there should be an effort of inclusiveness and acknowledging the dads who are also in this journey. As a woman I have a lot more support than my husband when I struggle. I have a lot more places I can go with people who look and present like me than he does or you do. Maybe there should be a dedicated space to address that?, >The truth is - how do moms get everything done? With the help of a spouse that is just as dedicated to their kids, house and career... You're absolutely right. I think for most people the experience of having a child is predicated on having a supportive partner who also carries the load. Having an autistic child can definitely complicate this, but it stands to reason two people shouldering a responsibility will be better off than one person. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't have partners who shoulder that responsibility. Research consistently bears this out. While things are better than they were decades ago, women do most of the housework and child care even when employed for the same number of hours. This does not hold for every individual. I have an equal partner myself. Which is probably why I'm one of the people here who does have time for self-care., A LOT of dads don't help at all. I'm married and I do everything that goes with parenting and I mean everything. And men don't have to look pretty or be expected to look and act a certain way all the time. That's what OP meant., Thanks I wish I could get him back to school but that environment brings out his weird behaviors and aggression I guess home is the best place especially like you mentioned life skills, >Moms default carry the load. I would wager a substantial percentage of us here are moms or female caregivers. I'd actually say we have a decent mix here but do agree it leans more female. Most parenting groups cater to moms... I'm happy we're a bit more inclusive here to be honest. I just really dislike posts like this "Hey mom's, life must be so hard for you specifically, how do you do it" especially when the is about "parents" I feel like we do a good job splitting everything needing to be done around our house and with our son. To be honest since I work from home I tend to take on a bit more... but moms specifically get the credit and support... You are correct - dads don't have many places to discuss parenting struggles - especially for kids with special needs. But... I don't think we need more dedicated places, just acknowledgement that it isnt the 60s or 70s anymore and parenting is much more likely to be done by both parents today..., It sounds like your husband isn't doing his part? ***And men don't have to look pretty or be expected to look and act a certain way all the time. -*** I 100% disagree with this comment but ok?, Maybe not a dedicated sub but maybe a dedicated post to address the female presenting language that is used as default sometimes

Hi there! I need advice - I suspect our 9 yr old daughter is on the spectrum, but the basic evaluation done at her psych eval came back that she is not.

She is diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, and struggles socially. I have been seeking help for her since she was 18 months old. She’s finally getting some special Ed support at school and also has therapy and OT weekly, so things are finally in place to help her. I understand masking and how kids can seem completely different at school vs. at home. Based on what we see and the struggles she has, I feel a diagnosis would be helpful for her for better informing what supports she needs… how can we go about getting a more in depth assessment done? The only one that we have had was a parent questionnaire asking if she lines things up, flaps hands, stims etc. which she does not. Advice is much appreciated!

Take her to a child neuro psychologist, child psychologist or a child psychiatrist. There is much more to diagnosing this than just a questionnaire. Now, she may not be on the spectrum but have other issues. These professionals should have the proper training to test your child. Just make sure they are child specialists and not someone that sometimes sees children. Adult psychology/psychiatry is really different., You can have more in depth assessments done by a “Neurologist” and “Neuropsychologist”. I had to go that route for my oldest. Best of Luck to you, There is certain testing you need to do to get benefits for autism. I believe it is the ADOS. Or you could check what tests are required for your area. These are tests that should tell you if your daughter has autism. Good luck., Do you know any one whose daughter has an ASD diagnosis? I would ask them who they used. Autism in women often presents differently and I suspect you were given a one size fits all questionnaire which was developed using boys/men. You are specifically looking for a provider that has extensive experience diagnosing women. That is more important than the title IMO. We ended up using a psych who did an extensive battery of testing versus a neuropsych because my friend had gotten a diagnosis through her., Who did you actually see? If you’re really seeing signs, I would look for someone that specialises in assessing girls who may mask., [deleted], Thank you!, Yes I agree! And, I do not… but we just started working with a new pediatrician and therapist. They have both been very helpful In determining next steps. Her therapist sees/ recognizes a lot of the things I’m concerned with and thinks it would be worthwhile to continue looking into a diagnosis. Regardless of what the diagnosis is, I just want to help her and my family as best as we can., That’s a good tip for sure… we saw a child psychologist who did her psych eval. That’s where I filled out the parent questionnaire and based on that, said she wasn’t on the spectrum, We’re in Michigan. She has an IEP. She saw child psychologist for her psych evaluation, and that’s who had me fill out a parent questionnaire and said she wasn’t on the spectrum., We were evaluated by a private Child Psychologist , than the government appointed psychologist and a child neurologist. I like strong paper trails. It makes it harder for people to deny services when you need them. The only one that caught everything was the private psychologist. She caught the eating disorder, where the others missed it; my kid would starve in a room full of food if it wasn't pizza or smoothies. Just be open to the idea that it may not be autism. Keep an open minded approach so you can get a clear diagnosis. ADHD and anxiety are conditions in themselves, as well as being a part of the spectrum stuff. One kid I worked with had such bad ADHD he could barely talk, and then they medicated him and I was having conversations with him the next day (mind blowing change). Just do some research on the doctors to be certain that you'll trust their opinions. And ask questions. Ask a lot. No stupid questions when you are honestly trying to understand., I would see someone else. Basing a diagnosis of a single questionnaire doesn’t seem very legit, I agree - it seemed like an oversimplified process …

High-functioning and inability to follow rules "it is everybody else's fault"

Our 6yo high functioning autist son has a really hard time following rules, even if we explain/visualize them. For example, if he wants to play a game and we tell him no, we played that for an hour already, he says things like "you only have the choice to play or play", or "do you really have to destroy every single one of my days" and "stupid mom" etc. On the one hand, this is pretty hurtful, but even more so, we are really concerned about his future success in life if he continuously thinks other people are at fault, he is doing everything right, and starts saying hurtful things if he does not get his will. I have no idea how much of that is due to his illness, how much of that is a normal 6yo, and how much of that is due to mistakes we parents make. Worst: I have no idea how to improve the situation (we tried reasoning, just staying firm, tried to restrict the number of "no"s, over a long period of time, but nothing seems to have any big effect) Ideas and suggestions would be very very much appreciated, thank you!

It might be worth looking into Pathological Demand Avoidance. However, it does sound more like being 6 at this point in time! If it's still there in a couple of years, that's when it's time to check properly. But keep your eye on it and remind yourself that he is only doing it because you're saying no. It's not personal., Thank you very much,, will certainly do so on all counts :), It might be worth looking into Pathological Demand Avoidance. However, it does sound more like being 6 at this point in time! If it's still there in a couple of years, that's when it's time to check properly. But keep your eye on it and remind yourself that he is only doing it because you're saying no. It's not personal., Thank you very much,, will certainly do so on all counts :), It might be worth looking into Pathological Demand Avoidance. However, it does sound more like being 6 at this point in time! If it's still there in a couple of years, that's when it's time to check properly. But keep your eye on it and remind yourself that he is only doing it because you're saying no. It's not personal., Thank you very much,, will certainly do so on all counts :), It might be worth looking into Pathological Demand Avoidance. However, it does sound more like being 6 at this point in time! If it's still there in a couple of years, that's when it's time to check properly. But keep your eye on it and remind yourself that he is only doing it because you're saying no. It's not personal., Thank you very much,, will certainly do so on all counts :)

Hitting

Any advice on how I can help my 4yr old? He’s been hitting anyone who says things he doesn’t want to hear. He is nonverbal and uses AAC pretty well. If anyone tells him to be careful or if anyone says they can’t help him fix something he hits. I’ve tried so many redirecting techniques idk what else to do… OT hasn’t been much help…

\*I am not an expert\* but ..............I know that my two ASD kiddos prefer when I explain all the risks of something and give them autonomy rather than just saying "be careful" or "don't do that". They feel more in control of the situation. Like, I might say "Hey, let's go slow over that log and watch where we place our feet and keep our feet in the middle because it could be easy to miss a step and that fall is pretty high and might hurt your legs. Love you!" I'm also working on frustration tolerance with my two kiddos and it is ROUGH! I am currently trying to not respond to their every need/whim and to not anticipate what they need/want .....I am always available to TALK/connect so they know their concerns are being heard but "No, Mommy is in the middle of dishes right now. I can get you milk in 2 minutes when I am done. You are the very next thing on my schedule! But, I'm currently occupied." It is about getting them to tolerate something frustrating for 15sec then 30sec then 1 min then 2 min.......its a process and a journey! Good luck Mama!! Also, second ABA therapy...., I don't have advice. I remember getting on her level, crying, letting her hit me more, crying more, and eventually maybe she'd let me hold her and rock her sometimes while she'd cry till she'd fall asleep or she'd run off. It's all been miserable. I'm sorry. You are not alone., Have you tried ABA?, Just typing this made me cry, Yes, it made him extremely dependent. Never again., \*I am not an expert\* but ..............I know that my two ASD kiddos prefer when I explain all the risks of something and give them autonomy rather than just saying "be careful" or "don't do that". They feel more in control of the situation. Like, I might say "Hey, let's go slow over that log and watch where we place our feet and keep our feet in the middle because it could be easy to miss a step and that fall is pretty high and might hurt your legs. Love you!" I'm also working on frustration tolerance with my two kiddos and it is ROUGH! I am currently trying to not respond to their every need/whim and to not anticipate what they need/want .....I am always available to TALK/connect so they know their concerns are being heard but "No, Mommy is in the middle of dishes right now. I can get you milk in 2 minutes when I am done. You are the very next thing on my schedule! But, I'm currently occupied." It is about getting them to tolerate something frustrating for 15sec then 30sec then 1 min then 2 min.......its a process and a journey! Good luck Mama!! Also, second ABA therapy...., I don't have advice. I remember getting on her level, crying, letting her hit me more, crying more, and eventually maybe she'd let me hold her and rock her sometimes while she'd cry till she'd fall asleep or she'd run off. It's all been miserable. I'm sorry. You are not alone., Have you tried ABA?, Just typing this made me cry, Yes, it made him extremely dependent. Never again., \*I am not an expert\* but ..............I know that my two ASD kiddos prefer when I explain all the risks of something and give them autonomy rather than just saying "be careful" or "don't do that". They feel more in control of the situation. Like, I might say "Hey, let's go slow over that log and watch where we place our feet and keep our feet in the middle because it could be easy to miss a step and that fall is pretty high and might hurt your legs. Love you!" I'm also working on frustration tolerance with my two kiddos and it is ROUGH! I am currently trying to not respond to their every need/whim and to not anticipate what they need/want .....I am always available to TALK/connect so they know their concerns are being heard but "No, Mommy is in the middle of dishes right now. I can get you milk in 2 minutes when I am done. You are the very next thing on my schedule! But, I'm currently occupied." It is about getting them to tolerate something frustrating for 15sec then 30sec then 1 min then 2 min.......its a process and a journey! Good luck Mama!! Also, second ABA therapy...., I don't have advice. I remember getting on her level, crying, letting her hit me more, crying more, and eventually maybe she'd let me hold her and rock her sometimes while she'd cry till she'd fall asleep or she'd run off. It's all been miserable. I'm sorry. You are not alone., Have you tried ABA?, Just typing this made me cry, Yes, it made him extremely dependent. Never again., \*I am not an expert\* but ..............I know that my two ASD kiddos prefer when I explain all the risks of something and give them autonomy rather than just saying "be careful" or "don't do that". They feel more in control of the situation. Like, I might say "Hey, let's go slow over that log and watch where we place our feet and keep our feet in the middle because it could be easy to miss a step and that fall is pretty high and might hurt your legs. Love you!" I'm also working on frustration tolerance with my two kiddos and it is ROUGH! I am currently trying to not respond to their every need/whim and to not anticipate what they need/want .....I am always available to TALK/connect so they know their concerns are being heard but "No, Mommy is in the middle of dishes right now. I can get you milk in 2 minutes when I am done. You are the very next thing on my schedule! But, I'm currently occupied." It is about getting them to tolerate something frustrating for 15sec then 30sec then 1 min then 2 min.......its a process and a journey! Good luck Mama!! Also, second ABA therapy...., I don't have advice. I remember getting on her level, crying, letting her hit me more, crying more, and eventually maybe she'd let me hold her and rock her sometimes while she'd cry till she'd fall asleep or she'd run off. It's all been miserable. I'm sorry. You are not alone., Have you tried ABA?, Just typing this made me cry, Yes, it made him extremely dependent. Never again.

Homeschooling

Anyone here homeschool their kindergarten aged children? Any tips or advice you can share? We’re finally getting to move into our own space and I’ll be ready to homeschool starting this fall.

Start with the homeschool laws of your state/country most US states don't have requirement of attendance until age six so you wouldn't have to do anything official for K. , HSLDA and your state department of Ed can give you guidance on any laws and requirements.  I homeschool my kids, who are currently in kindergarten and 2nd grade.  I use several resources... Starfall, Education.com, PBS Learning Media, Nat Geo's website, ABCMouse, Khan Kids, Anton, IXL, LaLiLo, FRECKLE and ST Math, workbooks from Spectrum and Ready to Learn, Handwriting without Tears, TpT materials.  My core curriculum includes Reading Eggs, Math Seeds, TCI Social Studies textbooks, Mystery Science, Essentials in Writing.  My sons are mild-moderarely intellectually disabled, if that helps.  Your child may be able to get services in the school system..my sons go to OT, speech and specials, but are still homeschooled. , Start with the homeschool laws of your state/country most US states don't have requirement of attendance until age six so you wouldn't have to do anything official for K. , HSLDA and your state department of Ed can give you guidance on any laws and requirements.  I homeschool my kids, who are currently in kindergarten and 2nd grade.  I use several resources... Starfall, Education.com, PBS Learning Media, Nat Geo's website, ABCMouse, Khan Kids, Anton, IXL, LaLiLo, FRECKLE and ST Math, workbooks from Spectrum and Ready to Learn, Handwriting without Tears, TpT materials.  My core curriculum includes Reading Eggs, Math Seeds, TCI Social Studies textbooks, Mystery Science, Essentials in Writing.  My sons are mild-moderarely intellectually disabled, if that helps.  Your child may be able to get services in the school system..my sons go to OT, speech and specials, but are still homeschooled. , Start with the homeschool laws of your state/country most US states don't have requirement of attendance until age six so you wouldn't have to do anything official for K. , HSLDA and your state department of Ed can give you guidance on any laws and requirements.  I homeschool my kids, who are currently in kindergarten and 2nd grade.  I use several resources... Starfall, Education.com, PBS Learning Media, Nat Geo's website, ABCMouse, Khan Kids, Anton, IXL, LaLiLo, FRECKLE and ST Math, workbooks from Spectrum and Ready to Learn, Handwriting without Tears, TpT materials.  My core curriculum includes Reading Eggs, Math Seeds, TCI Social Studies textbooks, Mystery Science, Essentials in Writing.  My sons are mild-moderarely intellectually disabled, if that helps.  Your child may be able to get services in the school system..my sons go to OT, speech and specials, but are still homeschooled. , Start with the homeschool laws of your state/country most US states don't have requirement of attendance until age six so you wouldn't have to do anything official for K. , HSLDA and your state department of Ed can give you guidance on any laws and requirements.  I homeschool my kids, who are currently in kindergarten and 2nd grade.  I use several resources... Starfall, Education.com, PBS Learning Media, Nat Geo's website, ABCMouse, Khan Kids, Anton, IXL, LaLiLo, FRECKLE and ST Math, workbooks from Spectrum and Ready to Learn, Handwriting without Tears, TpT materials.  My core curriculum includes Reading Eggs, Math Seeds, TCI Social Studies textbooks, Mystery Science, Essentials in Writing.  My sons are mild-moderarely intellectually disabled, if that helps.  Your child may be able to get services in the school system..my sons go to OT, speech and specials, but are still homeschooled. 

Homeschooling

How do you homeschool your ND 4-5yr olds? I really want to homeschool since my son is nonverbal and I don’t trust anyone with him but at the same time I want him to actually learn and not be behind if he chooses to go to school in the future.

I homeschool my 5yo because she does better with a quiet environment and does not tolerate loud noise or other kids well. With homeschooling, we are able to work around her needs and follow her lead. We usually do school in 15-20 minute increments (about as long as we can devote to a subject before she wanders off) spaced out over the day with lots of time for her to devote to her special interests. She attends ST, ballet, tumbling, and fine arts throughout the week to be exposed to other people and small groups for short periods of time. We are learning as we go, but so far this has worked very well for us., I don’t and I wouldn’t because I don’t have special education training., I homeschool my kids. ... Honestly, if you want him to learn and not be behind, being devoted to it is going to significantly reduce those odds. I have older children and I know firsthand how often schools get away with showing no progress for disabled kids in America. Some state Departments of Ed now have legal victories in this arena - they don't have to show progress on IEP goals if students have IQs below 70. I now use Reading Eggs and Math Seeds as our core LA and math curriculum, which is Common Core aligned. I use Mystery Science for science. I use a mix of options for social studies. My kids have made far more progress being homeschooled than they ever did in school., You are able to homeschool your child. I used to work in special education classrooms and while there are some that are good, the majority I’ve been in were awful. The children are all on such different levels that it ends up being probably 20 minutes of individualized instruction a day. It’s glorified babysitting most of the time. So much time is spent responding to challenging behaviors. Most paras have very little training. Teachers aren’t supported, are underpaid, and typically don’t have the resources they need. The idea that a parent can’t successfully homeschool their child because they don’t have a degree in special education is ridiculous. We homeschool our autistic almost 5 year old. A lot of it is meeting him where he’s at. We know he’s not developing as a NT child would so we don’t get overly stressed about milestones because he’s on his own timeline. We spend a large amount of time in the community because that’s really important to us that he can handle varying environments appropriately and will be able to be included. We go to parks and kid places to work on social skills. We read a lot and do a lot of play. One day a week I take him swimming to work on that. Then we do a very little amount of structured learning each day since he’s only 4. The beauty of homeschool is that you can work on so much more beyond academics such as life skills, We home school after a disastrous school experience. For finding resources and advice I really recommend Facebook. This is a good secular group: [https://www.facebook.com/seahomeschoolers](https://www.facebook.com/seahomeschoolers) and there's an ND/special needs one as well though less active once you join the main group: [https://www.facebook.com/groups/1239263679419074](https://www.facebook.com/groups/1239263679419074), We homeschool pre k. I plan to enroll him in an accredited online school. My son has gained 95% of his functional language from educational shows, and online resources. Sending him into a class room would be torture for all parties involved., We homeschool. Although homeschooling was a decision we made from birth, before we had any diagnosis. However, our kid being autistic does not change our decision. Homeschooling allows us to adapt our schedule to our kids' needs, to have more family time, more outside time (which really helps my son stay regulated), tailor fit his education, explore his interests, meet him where he is at, and challenge him in ways that a school system might not. The first step would be to look up your states laws. Hslda.org is a great resource (assuming you are in the US). There are so many resources for homeschooling families. We do speech and OT in a private clinic. There is a special needs homeschool group in our region, and we belong to a field trip group that is run by a woman who homeschooled her son with special needs. Most school districts have programs for homeschool families to utilize for therapies, sports, certain classes, and things like that (however, we choose not to use the school district services). r/homeschool has so many posts about homeschooling special needs and autistic children. Good resources there for curriculum Although at this age, following a specific curriculum is not entirely necessary. You don't need special training to homeschool your autistic child. Since your focus is not spread out across a classroom full of kids, your child is in their comfortable home environment, and you can take your time and adapt and change where and when it's needed., We homeschool my 6 year old for first grade and plan to through second grade right now and then will evaluate where he’s at. We go through a charter school so we are getting an IEP in place and have been doing a million assessments with that. We also do in home therapy and are just promoting from a 90 day intensive program (from our doctor/insurance) and will be starting ABA next week. I found a lot of support online and there is a local store that provides homeschooling curriculum and supplies that the charter school will pay for. The owner has been homeschooling for decades and is so knowledgeable. She really helped me feel confident about it all. Kiddo is pretty academically gifted and regularly tests ahead so we are spending this time to focus on behavior, aggression reduction and emotional regulation., Depends on your state. Most states have tons of resources that you can use, even outside of the public school system. \[It's actually illegal to exclude children\]. Look up various resources and find ones that work for you and your son. Homeschooling has the advantage of allowing you to try out various options for future success. \[also homeschooling is 1 on 1 and not 1 on many with a strict outline\] We only do about 2 hours a day and we cover all subjects in a week. You don't need a degree in teaching, you know your child and you need to find what works., There are some homeschooling programs that have a special education curriculum. I'd imagine it would be the same as a NT child's curriculum, but it's adjusted to what your child can do. If you have the money, you can find some former special Ed teacher that can tutor your son at home. You're going to want to find a homeschooling group, too, so your son can socialize via field trips or PE time. I don't think it's impossible, especially if he's an only child., Same here, and I have an MA in education. To put it bluntly, a public school is going to have more special needs resources than I, as an individual, can provide. Sure, I fight tooth and nail for every extra half hour, but they can provide them., Public school has been the absolute best choice for my preschooler. He has developed so much in that environment, socially, emotionally, in terms of his life skills. I could handle the academic side easily, but I could not do the rest, especially since a lot of it comes from being around kids his age and in a non-home environment. He struggles with generalizing skills, so that exposure to another environment is crucial. And he loves it. He races up the path and into the room every morning., You don't because you live in Germany where home schooling is illegal., Preach. You've said more eloquently anything I have contributed to this thread. The day I saw a single parapro clinging to 6 severely autistic kindergartners in a hallway - verbally directing two, holding onto the other 4 looking terrified - I knew I made the right choice. My oldest made no progress in his last year of public school. None, including on testing. Like you said, the kids in these classes are at all different levels, and in my state, up to 12 can be in a cross-categorical class (6/7 in an autism class). I think that the reality scares people, and so they... I don't know. They use feelings to deny it. I want to make public school better. I wish I could tell people that. And some are very lucky to have great schools, boards of education, etc. Some kids don't have as many difficulties accessing general education. I think that every parent should spend one day in their child's class. Just one. Because I know that if the parents if those 6 kindergartners with one paraprofessional saw what I did, they might be scared., My issue is also we live in a rural area and there aren’t many resources for my son right now., Depends where you live, I imagine. My son's TAs at school had literally 0 autism training. She was just some random mum of a kid at school who lived 4 doors down. It was, predictably, a disaster., I take your comment as proof of your ignorance of the rules on the Ruhen der Schulpflicht in Germany. Actually there are autistic children - as well as other children with disabilities in Germany who are allowed to be home schooled. Normally it is not allowed, but with a diagnosis, a doctor‘s attestation, and a lot of paperwork, it’s definitely doable. As terrible as I think the German education system is for children with special needs, I still wouldn’t do it., Yes! Exactly this. Visit for one day during a typical school day, not some event where they’re watching movies and have treats and know you’re coming. I remember at one of the schools I worked in, they lost a non-speaking autistic child. They found him because a police officer picked him up walking down the hill from the school. The teachers hadn’t even noticed. This was actually in a suburban are that wasn’t poor. Some of the special education classrooms have medically fragile kids, with intellectually disabled, with autistic kids. Some are sensory seekers, some are sensory avoiders. It can be a perfect storm for kids setting off one another. Then if they even have one kid that has significant challenging behaviors (e.g. aggression, property destruction, etc.) the time is devoted to them. And most of the quieter kids are completely forgotten about. Then the IEP comes and your kid hasn’t made progress and the chalk it up to the disability when in reality your child has spent the last year in daycare. I think a lot of people are in denial about special education classrooms and I feel fortunate to have spent so much time in a variety of them because there is no way I could trust it. I’ve witness so much physical and emotional abuse in those classes., Sometimes I wonder if people in this sub live in wealthier areas, or it's just because their kids are younger and they haven't really seen the bullshit that happens in public schools yet, but sometimes I'm dumbfounded by the assumption that public school is always best. Obviously, there are autistic kids who will thrive in school. I would wager in America, with the lack of funding and staffing, most will not, but many families don't have the choice of other options. All the schools here are Title I, and getting a paraprofessional for my youngest means suing. Even then, schools can just not staff the position... You file a state complaint... The school puts someone in the position just for the day when the state comes in. I'd also remind people to check their state homeschooling laws. I'm in Michigan. My sons go into public school for speech and OT. I also was able to get them to go in for specials a few times a week with an aide. Non-public services plans are often options. So, they get the social element and the therapies, but the academic side is all me., I have the same issue, living in a rural area with a new school district and no pre-school program developed yet. The local elementary school has about 30 students total. Did you meet with the school district about getting an IEP and pursuing services, or no? Just curious, This is the case for most. The requirements to be a para are ridiculously low, That's a good point. Being in a metro area of a state capital does have its advantages, I guess. :-/, In rare circumstances, only *temporarily,* and, as you say, with a lot of paperwork. You would not be allowed to do it in OP's circumstances., My son was abused. The hardest part was that there were warning signs with the teacher. I later learned she would regularly explode into screaming rages from her parapros. My son was having diarrhea almost daily. He'd hide in the bathroom for hours. I chalked it up to going off his anxiety medication, he had gone for blood work and was preparing to see a gastroenterologist. After he left school, the symptoms disappeared. People forget that all the adults in these classes know all the other adults. Even after witnessing two days of assaults, and my son's assault, 1 of the 3 parapros did not report it. We were very lucky 2 teamed up and did. I don't know anyone whose kid is at least 10 who doesn't have an abuse story. When I talked to CPS after, the social worker told me, "I hope it doesn't happen again, but .. it probably will." Chilling. If my sons ever went back, it would only be with my frequent volunteering in the class., Even in the wealthier areas I’ve seen horrible special education classrooms, they just have better resources. I think a lot of parents haven’t done an extended observation in a special education classroom. Public school works for some but for many autistic kids is an awful environment., It's not just the US, in the UK it's even worse. My son's TA literally was just some random women who lived 4 doors down from the school. Completely incompetent., Depending on your Michigan schools, your schools are a little rough. I had family that went to Michigan area schools and they were awful. To answer your question ours are a much better school system. However even with the better system an advocate is still needed in order to get the best outcome. Our early intervention was better pre covid…. It’s starting to recover but I think it’s going to another couple of years. So currently early intervention sucks right now., I think you’re also underestimating the willingness of parents to fight the system. I live in Germany which has a terrible system for special education. My child is in public preschool and I hired my first educational lawyer when he was three to force the schools to provide appropriate services. My only regret is that I waited a month before hiring a lawyer. I will not hesitate to hire a lawyer and go to court. If the public school can’t provide it, I will force them to pay for private school. If my salary pays for the lawyer some years, so be it. Also, I know that my child‘s largest deficit is in the areas of social and communication. It is vital my kid get the social interactions at school., I don’t presume to know OP’s circumstances. I know that like much in the German bureaucracy, there is no general rule for Germany when it comes to exceptions to rules. It all depends on where you live and the internal policy of your local Jugendamt, as well as your willingness to fight it out with lawyers., I am so sorry you’re son and family suffered through that. Absolutely horrific. Im glad you were able to pull him from school and im sure he’s grateful too. Sadly I don’t know many old kids who haven’t faced some form of abuse and/or neglect in schools. It’s awful and so much more common then people know, It’s odd how it can differ so much in each country or even region. My son goes to a program, not really school yet, but more like a daycare for special needs kids. They have in home speech therapists, physical therapists, the caregivers are all trained in special needs education and they really work towards getting kids ready for “real” school. We are so happy we found this because he’s really making strides. Still mostly non verb but his receptive language is impressive now and he can do little assignments thanks to them., I was speaking specifically about the US. I'm pointing out the futility of going to court in the US. If it's for something small, you might be able to intimidate the school by showing up to an IEP meeting with an attorney. So, you might be a few hundred dollars out. Due process is entirely different. You stand a 2% chance of winning without an attorney, and about 40% with an attorney. You're also looking at spending 5 figures, starting, for an attorney for due process. There's a reason many advocates here are very reluctant to go to due process. And as I said, even if you win, you still need the money to fight upfront (in the US, the school might be ordered to repay "reasonable attorney fees"). And, if you win, the school can just not do it. Many will throw in a paraprofessional or something for a day when the state comes in if you then file a state complaint. The state always gives schools warnings. So, what did you win? Months of time, stress and money in court, and you have nothing to show for it. Your child is young and you are in a different system. I had a similar attitude a few years back when we were fighting. The system shows you the futility of that very quickly. Going to court or bringing an attorney may work for small potatoes - you want more speech or OT for your child (at least, on paper - since unless you're in the school, you don't know if they're doing it). But if you're looking for something costly, it's only going to get you so far. I spent thousands on advocacy and an attorney and had nothing to show for it., I am well aware of the situation in the US. The US actually has much stronger laws than Germany in regards to special education. Generally, I doubt the percentages on success rates. For me, it was worth it to fight the schools and I would do the same thing if I were in the US. (Or I’d move to a better state where I didn’t have to fight.), The moving states thing is hard. Especially currently. If you live in an LCOL area, then your property taxes are probably lower, but the school system has less money and resources. If you move to a better school district, you are probably also moving to an HCOL area (or at least higher than where you move from), and paying for that "free" public school through property taxes and higher expensive due to the area you are in. I live in an LCOL area, and the school district by me loses accreditation every few years. I grew up only 40 minutes away from here in one of the best school districts in the nation, and they have an amazing sped program (it's actually it's own special school district that integrates into the gen Ed classes with its own oversight and resources, with the option of an entire sped only school building if needed). However, I could not afford to live there, rent/buy, pay property taxes, no affordable grocery stores, or food options in town. Where we live now, we own our house, I stay home, have a relatively walkable area, have free resources like kids museums, zoo, science center, and an amazing library system, playgrounds and parks everywhere.

Hope for sleep training a bed sharing 4.5 year old? /:

I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. My son is 4.5 years old, he’s verbal and pretty high-functioning but very delayed and hard to communicate/reason with. He’s co-slept since birth as it’s gotten him to sleep the best. However, I don’t sleep well with him anymore due to all his tossing, turning, touching and snoring. I desperately need to reclaim my bed and nights after all these years so we may both get better rest. The challenge is I have split custody with his father, so we each have him half of the week (exchanging every 3-4 nights). This makes having a routine next to impossible because his father is not implementing the same routine I’m doing here and will probably just keep bed sharing with him. Anything I do here is only going to be his routine half the week then he’s doing something completely different over there that I have no control over it. I have tried every approach to transition him. At first I went with the gentlest option: I would do his bed time routine in his room then pretend to sleep next to him until he went to sleep, then leave when he was asleep, then anytime he woke up I’d go back in and repeat throughout the night. I was up and down anywhere from 7-10 times a night and couldn’t do it longer than two weeks because of the sleep deprivation. I also felt it wasn’t actually teaching him how to sleep alone because I was in there the whole night. I’m currently in week two of trying a less gentler approach which is basically cry it out. However, he’s not a tiny baby who just lays in a crib and cries, he can open doors and move around the house. I will do his bed time routine, snuggle with him for a few minutes then leave. Immediately it’s him screaming, turning on all lights in the house, banging on my door, coming in my room, going downstairs, etc. I can’t just leave him to cry because I have to come out to make sure he’s not harming himself. I have a partner who has tried to help me in the process, by going out and putting him back in bed since I feel more guilt about it. But none of us have been getting sleep and it’s putting a hard strain on everyone. It seems like nothing is working and I’m feeling really hopeless. I don’t know what to do. I wish that I’d sleep trained him when he was an infant because now it feels like something I can’t undo. I feel like the last month or so of trying to transition him have just traumatized him and now he sleeps even lighter and worse than before. I haven’t seen any lasting progress or hope since I started a month ago. Please help. What else can I try?

following! in (basically) the same boat except my son is 6 and has his own room here. we started cosleeping at 4. he sleeps in his own bed at his dads house and does fine. he really loves cosleeping with me and i love cosleeping with him but man is it tough! i am so tired! sorry i dont have an answer but i hope we both find one here!, following! in (basically) the same boat except my son is 6 and has his own room here. we started cosleeping at 4. he sleeps in his own bed at his dads house and does fine. he really loves cosleeping with me and i love cosleeping with him but man is it tough! i am so tired! sorry i dont have an answer but i hope we both find one here!, following! in (basically) the same boat except my son is 6 and has his own room here. we started cosleeping at 4. he sleeps in his own bed at his dads house and does fine. he really loves cosleeping with me and i love cosleeping with him but man is it tough! i am so tired! sorry i dont have an answer but i hope we both find one here!, following! in (basically) the same boat except my son is 6 and has his own room here. we started cosleeping at 4. he sleeps in his own bed at his dads house and does fine. he really loves cosleeping with me and i love cosleeping with him but man is it tough! i am so tired! sorry i dont have an answer but i hope we both find one here!

How & when did you tell your kid about their diagnosis?

My son is 6 and has Autism. I haven't hidden it from him and I also haven't had a sit down discussion with him to talk about it yet. His kindergarten is having an Autism Acceptance spirit week coming up and I'm thinking that I want to have a conversation with my son before then for a few reasons. I think it's good information for him to know in general, but especially so he can choose if and how he wants to participate in the spirit week. I also wouldn't want someone else in school to bring it up to him (I'm not sure if the other kids know or have assumed he has autism), but I want to be able to give him that information versus him hearing it from someone else. So with all of that, I'm curious to know how you all approached telling your kids about their diagnosis. How did you determine that they were ready for that information? How did you explain it to them? I really want to get this right and make sure it's beneficial to my son so I really don't want to mess this up!

I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, My son got his adhd diagnosis at 6 and autism at 7. Each one of them was “hey your brain works in cool and different ways and it’s called _____. Some things might be harder for you and knowing that helps me and your teachers help you more. It also is part of the reason you’re so ____ (creative, good at knowing Mario facts, etc.)” It helps that his dad and aunt have adhd and we know other autistic people so he’s not “different”- he’s like dada. Fast forward to now and he’s in 4th grade trying to blame not liking school on his adhd. I just looked at him and was like “bruh! Dada has adhd same as you and he’s a friggin teacher!” It’s not something to hide, it’s not something to feel bad about. It’s part of who he is and to quote a very wise 9 year old “I wouldn’t be the same me without it.”, At 6 when he was diagnosed. I basically told him that his brain works differently than most peoples and while it makes him really smart (he’s on the Asperger’s side of the spectrum) it also makes some things harder for him like leaving the house (that was his biggest sign, he would fight with us every time we had to leave). He’s 9 now and understands it pretty well and will ask if it’s his autism when there’s somethings really hard for him to understand and sometimes when something’s really easy that isn’t for others., When they were diagnosed at 6 (last year). We said him down and explained it to him as his brain works differently from other people. We also shared that mommy and daddy both have ADHD so our brains work differently too., My kiddo was 11 when they were finally evaluated and diagnosed. They knew way ahead of time why they were being assessed (I'm talking years, since that's how long it took to get them in somewhere) and were relieved to hear the official diagnosis. I definitely think their age and maturity level was a factor in how open and transparent we were with them. I will hazard a guess that other students his age do not know or haven't guessed that he has autism, so I bet you're okay there with not using that as the deciding factor of how and when you talk with him. My family is a bit cheeky. The day we got the official diagnostic report, we surprised my child with a cake that said "Congratulations on Your Autism" (imagine the look on the supermarket bakery employee's face when asked to write that). We wore party hats, sang "Happy Autism to You!", and celebrated all of the cool and weird and funny ways in which their brain works., We chose to tell him prior to him going into a public general education TK (pre kindergarten). We used the books "Remarkable Remy" and "Bitsy Bat School Star." We still have regular conversations about it so he understands why he's going to therapy, why he feels like he needs noise cancelling headphones and other kids don't, etc. We always focus on the positive side of ASD with the goal of him becoming his own advocate., My son is four and has been evaluated by the school, but not by a medical professional yet. We are starting that process on April 12th. I feel like I should at least tell him before we tell any family members? I plan to talk to him about it, soon and often. But is it too soon if he doesn't have a medical diagnosis yet?, When they can understand. My almost 9 year old doesn't understand even though we have read books about it and have been open so we have tabled it until his receptive is better., I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, I told her 2 months after the diagnosis, 7 years, I always find this question interesting. I don't know how it works anywhere else, but when my son was evaluated, we had to attend 3 separate appointments each 2-3 hours long in order to get a diagnosis. I couldn't exactly ever hide it, so he knew from the very beginning what was going on., I'm kind of in the same boat as you. We talk about ASD all the time in this house. LoL and laugh about my own dyslexic issues. We haven't had a sit down heart to heart with my little guy, mainly because I don't think he would understand. He's not completely verbal and has a hard time with concepts... give him something to figure out how it works, or numbers and letters to play with and he's great, explaining stuff... not so much, he picks up a few words but tends to not understand what they mean. So yeah we talk about autism, we've had to explain to tons of people, both those we know and don't know, why he is doing a certain behavior and that he's on the spectrum and done this in front of him(he legit doesn't care, just ignores it and continues to do what he is doing). I guess our hope is that he will come to understand what it means eventually and also never feel ashamed because we make it normal for him to be himself. No one, including children have been mean to him for his diagnosis. If anything, people are more understanding, in our experience anyways, once they understand him better., I met a woman who didn’t know her diagnosis until she was 19 , so anytime before 19 is great :), Mine will be 6 in May. Last month we got the diagnosis. We talked about how we’d had a lot of dr appointments and I told her she has autism, that it’ll make her think differently than other kids, but she’s no less smart. “I’m not that smart” … kid broke my heart. “Some things are hard for me. But I can hold a pen!” I asked if she felt different than other kids and she said she does. I’m so glad I talked to her., I did when he was 7, almost 8. I didn’t plan it, I bought a book about it but never read it. We were hanging out one day on some playground equipment while his brother was at baseball practice and no one else was around and it just seemed like a good time. It went well, I think the main thing he understood was he had autism and that it meant his brain is wired different. He’s 10 now and has had lots of questions since then. I asked him the other day if he’s okay with his diagnosis and he said he’s I’m okay with it, it’s cool., I personally didn’t explain anything at all. I don’t think I have to explain “what he is” to him. He knows. He’s also non-verbal, so I dont see the point. He’s already in a self contained class at school so I think the writing is the on the wall. It’d be like if my parents had sat me down to tell me I’m a girl, like yeah I know., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., The way you explained this is exactly what we are going to have to do! Our 3yo level1 son is behind in some areas (potty training, coloring, social skills), but he can already read full sentences and do addition, subtraction, and multiplication… at 3 freaking years old!, I love this so much, I agree with you. I don’t understand telling pre-k/ kindergarten aged children about autism. It’s hard enough for an adult to comprehend the full scope of things let alone a child that young. I know all families are different and have different preferences though., That's interesting. I'm curious to hear more, can you tell me about what part you think is inappropriate for the age group? It's an elementary school-wide week on autism acceptance so it's not just kindergarteners, Yeah our son was doing math like that, that young as well., It also has to do with how our kids may or may not process things. A neurtypical child with language etc can learn about autism and that it is different but OK. My son just isn't there yet with his language comprehension to get it so it is more a maturity thing. Some kids on the spectrum may never be old enough to understand., Why isn't it Disability awareness? Are autistic kids so special that kids with cerebral palsy or down syndrome don't also deserve compassion and understanding when the children are mature enough to comprehend the impact of their awareness? Kids are cruel. Giving them a name for something they can't yet comprehend is wild. Do you wonder what they will say? How they will present this? I am always very skeptical of NT people pandering to the ND communities in the guise of being accepting. It's like showing a group of fifth graders the movie Roots. They don't fully understand the implications at that age, and kids end up being cruel., My daughter is now 10. Was diagnosed at 3. She went through ABA for years and speech therapy. An IEP and has gotten additional help throughout school. She is very high functioning and does well in school. Does need some help though. Mostly seems like her biggest needs are social and emotional. We have done the Autism Speaks walk in our area since she was 4. We had shirts with her name on it every year and my whole family participated. She just had fun. She never asked and we just never thought to talk to her about it. It just never came up. Fast forward to her last IEP/Parent Teacher conference, her speech therapist asked us if she knew she was autistic. Now I feel like we missed the boat and feel like sh*t about it. She is very emotional and when you try to have serious conversations with her she tends to shut down and doesn’t want to talk. I’m concerned how she’s going to react and I guess that’s really why we never talked about it with her., Im a teacher and my school did a general neurodiversity week and talked about all the different disorders and neurotypes and a little bit about them. They had special ed teachers trained in each area present the info so that it was well informed. Honestly the young kids were so accepting. I don't see any issue in starting acceptance and awareness from a young age, as long as it's done right, it can help decrease stigma., I do always worry about how other kids will react, for sure. But honestly they'll make fun of someone for the way they act whether or not they have a name for what's causing the behavior. April is Autism Awareness month, this is in line with that. It's not an attempt to discredit other disabilities just like the ice bucket challenge wasn't an attempt to give the finger to other physical illnesses., They might not be able to grasp autism on a deep level but I’m pretty sure kids can get a basic understanding of what it is., This is a weird take. So are we just supposed to hide our ND children until a certain age? My son is clearly different, spends the majority of his day in a spec ed classroom but they do integration at his school and goes to a gen ed class for certain things. The kids in that class are more than aware he's not there all day learning with them. And guess what!? There are 2 that help my son out and miss him when he doesn't go in that day. Should we just lie to the NT kids and claim that their ND classmates are all typical too and it's just in their head that there is something different about them? It's in their head that their classmate can't talk or doesn't want to be touched? Or covers their ears because they can't stand a certain sound? Denying autism and refusing to teach what it means to NT kids will cause even more issues. You should be teaching all kids empathy and understanding from an early age. Not waiting for an arbitrary age to introduce these things to kids., Can you see a family therapist? They might have advice but what I can tell you is if she is that aware she knows she is different just not why., Neurodiversity is different that autism acceptance though? Like it was literally the point of my comment that making it autistic specific seems odd, and that the parent should make sure that the sped teachers are involved and its not just a feel good admin move., We don't lie to them. I didn't say that, and please don't put words in my mouth., Right my point was that maybe making it more general could help with what you were concerned about, I'm not sure where you saw me accuse you of lying to them... because I didn't, you should take your own advice about not putting words in other people's mouths. Maybe re read what I wrote. It's ridiculous to think that just because a NT child possibly hasn't heard the word "autistic", wouldn't notice the qualities in an autistic or ND child that makes them different. You do a disservice to all children by not teaching awareness and acceptance to those who are different at a young age., Which is why I said why isn't it disability awareness? Do cerebral palsy, down syndrome and other differences not need awareness at the same time? What about ADHD? If people think kids are mature enough to understand something they can't physically see like autism, they should absolutely be educated on different neurodiversities, in a general sense for all of them. You don't learn specifics until you are older. At what point does it become a psychology class? This is why it's important to generalize disabilities as being hidden or not, and providing children with empathetic practices., In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?" And i didn't say don't teach them about differences. I don't like that they single out autism, because there are other similar disabilities that need as much understanding., World Downs Syndrome day is March 21. My son’s school celebrated. Cerebral Palsy Day is October 6. I don’t think it’s controversial for schools to celebrate any of the awareness days., Down Syndrome awareness day was just March 21th. Down Syndrome awareness month is October. "In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?"" ^^^ Exactly. I didn't accuse you of lying to kids, I asked if we should lie to them because you seem to imply teaching them about autism or even the word would be a negative thing., You're just arguing for the sake of it and im good, have a nice night, I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, My son got his adhd diagnosis at 6 and autism at 7. Each one of them was “hey your brain works in cool and different ways and it’s called _____. Some things might be harder for you and knowing that helps me and your teachers help you more. It also is part of the reason you’re so ____ (creative, good at knowing Mario facts, etc.)” It helps that his dad and aunt have adhd and we know other autistic people so he’s not “different”- he’s like dada. Fast forward to now and he’s in 4th grade trying to blame not liking school on his adhd. I just looked at him and was like “bruh! Dada has adhd same as you and he’s a friggin teacher!” It’s not something to hide, it’s not something to feel bad about. It’s part of who he is and to quote a very wise 9 year old “I wouldn’t be the same me without it.”, At 6 when he was diagnosed. I basically told him that his brain works differently than most peoples and while it makes him really smart (he’s on the Asperger’s side of the spectrum) it also makes some things harder for him like leaving the house (that was his biggest sign, he would fight with us every time we had to leave). He’s 9 now and understands it pretty well and will ask if it’s his autism when there’s somethings really hard for him to understand and sometimes when something’s really easy that isn’t for others., When they were diagnosed at 6 (last year). We said him down and explained it to him as his brain works differently from other people. We also shared that mommy and daddy both have ADHD so our brains work differently too., My kiddo was 11 when they were finally evaluated and diagnosed. They knew way ahead of time why they were being assessed (I'm talking years, since that's how long it took to get them in somewhere) and were relieved to hear the official diagnosis. I definitely think their age and maturity level was a factor in how open and transparent we were with them. I will hazard a guess that other students his age do not know or haven't guessed that he has autism, so I bet you're okay there with not using that as the deciding factor of how and when you talk with him. My family is a bit cheeky. The day we got the official diagnostic report, we surprised my child with a cake that said "Congratulations on Your Autism" (imagine the look on the supermarket bakery employee's face when asked to write that). We wore party hats, sang "Happy Autism to You!", and celebrated all of the cool and weird and funny ways in which their brain works., We chose to tell him prior to him going into a public general education TK (pre kindergarten). We used the books "Remarkable Remy" and "Bitsy Bat School Star." We still have regular conversations about it so he understands why he's going to therapy, why he feels like he needs noise cancelling headphones and other kids don't, etc. We always focus on the positive side of ASD with the goal of him becoming his own advocate., My son is four and has been evaluated by the school, but not by a medical professional yet. We are starting that process on April 12th. I feel like I should at least tell him before we tell any family members? I plan to talk to him about it, soon and often. But is it too soon if he doesn't have a medical diagnosis yet?, When they can understand. My almost 9 year old doesn't understand even though we have read books about it and have been open so we have tabled it until his receptive is better., I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, I told her 2 months after the diagnosis, 7 years, I always find this question interesting. I don't know how it works anywhere else, but when my son was evaluated, we had to attend 3 separate appointments each 2-3 hours long in order to get a diagnosis. I couldn't exactly ever hide it, so he knew from the very beginning what was going on., I'm kind of in the same boat as you. We talk about ASD all the time in this house. LoL and laugh about my own dyslexic issues. We haven't had a sit down heart to heart with my little guy, mainly because I don't think he would understand. He's not completely verbal and has a hard time with concepts... give him something to figure out how it works, or numbers and letters to play with and he's great, explaining stuff... not so much, he picks up a few words but tends to not understand what they mean. So yeah we talk about autism, we've had to explain to tons of people, both those we know and don't know, why he is doing a certain behavior and that he's on the spectrum and done this in front of him(he legit doesn't care, just ignores it and continues to do what he is doing). I guess our hope is that he will come to understand what it means eventually and also never feel ashamed because we make it normal for him to be himself. No one, including children have been mean to him for his diagnosis. If anything, people are more understanding, in our experience anyways, once they understand him better., I met a woman who didn’t know her diagnosis until she was 19 , so anytime before 19 is great :), Mine will be 6 in May. Last month we got the diagnosis. We talked about how we’d had a lot of dr appointments and I told her she has autism, that it’ll make her think differently than other kids, but she’s no less smart. “I’m not that smart” … kid broke my heart. “Some things are hard for me. But I can hold a pen!” I asked if she felt different than other kids and she said she does. I’m so glad I talked to her., I did when he was 7, almost 8. I didn’t plan it, I bought a book about it but never read it. We were hanging out one day on some playground equipment while his brother was at baseball practice and no one else was around and it just seemed like a good time. It went well, I think the main thing he understood was he had autism and that it meant his brain is wired different. He’s 10 now and has had lots of questions since then. I asked him the other day if he’s okay with his diagnosis and he said he’s I’m okay with it, it’s cool., I personally didn’t explain anything at all. I don’t think I have to explain “what he is” to him. He knows. He’s also non-verbal, so I dont see the point. He’s already in a self contained class at school so I think the writing is the on the wall. It’d be like if my parents had sat me down to tell me I’m a girl, like yeah I know., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., The way you explained this is exactly what we are going to have to do! Our 3yo level1 son is behind in some areas (potty training, coloring, social skills), but he can already read full sentences and do addition, subtraction, and multiplication… at 3 freaking years old!, I love this so much, I agree with you. I don’t understand telling pre-k/ kindergarten aged children about autism. It’s hard enough for an adult to comprehend the full scope of things let alone a child that young. I know all families are different and have different preferences though., That's interesting. I'm curious to hear more, can you tell me about what part you think is inappropriate for the age group? It's an elementary school-wide week on autism acceptance so it's not just kindergarteners, Yeah our son was doing math like that, that young as well., It also has to do with how our kids may or may not process things. A neurtypical child with language etc can learn about autism and that it is different but OK. My son just isn't there yet with his language comprehension to get it so it is more a maturity thing. Some kids on the spectrum may never be old enough to understand., Why isn't it Disability awareness? Are autistic kids so special that kids with cerebral palsy or down syndrome don't also deserve compassion and understanding when the children are mature enough to comprehend the impact of their awareness? Kids are cruel. Giving them a name for something they can't yet comprehend is wild. Do you wonder what they will say? How they will present this? I am always very skeptical of NT people pandering to the ND communities in the guise of being accepting. It's like showing a group of fifth graders the movie Roots. They don't fully understand the implications at that age, and kids end up being cruel., My daughter is now 10. Was diagnosed at 3. She went through ABA for years and speech therapy. An IEP and has gotten additional help throughout school. She is very high functioning and does well in school. Does need some help though. Mostly seems like her biggest needs are social and emotional. We have done the Autism Speaks walk in our area since she was 4. We had shirts with her name on it every year and my whole family participated. She just had fun. She never asked and we just never thought to talk to her about it. It just never came up. Fast forward to her last IEP/Parent Teacher conference, her speech therapist asked us if she knew she was autistic. Now I feel like we missed the boat and feel like sh*t about it. She is very emotional and when you try to have serious conversations with her she tends to shut down and doesn’t want to talk. I’m concerned how she’s going to react and I guess that’s really why we never talked about it with her., Im a teacher and my school did a general neurodiversity week and talked about all the different disorders and neurotypes and a little bit about them. They had special ed teachers trained in each area present the info so that it was well informed. Honestly the young kids were so accepting. I don't see any issue in starting acceptance and awareness from a young age, as long as it's done right, it can help decrease stigma., I do always worry about how other kids will react, for sure. But honestly they'll make fun of someone for the way they act whether or not they have a name for what's causing the behavior. April is Autism Awareness month, this is in line with that. It's not an attempt to discredit other disabilities just like the ice bucket challenge wasn't an attempt to give the finger to other physical illnesses., They might not be able to grasp autism on a deep level but I’m pretty sure kids can get a basic understanding of what it is., This is a weird take. So are we just supposed to hide our ND children until a certain age? My son is clearly different, spends the majority of his day in a spec ed classroom but they do integration at his school and goes to a gen ed class for certain things. The kids in that class are more than aware he's not there all day learning with them. And guess what!? There are 2 that help my son out and miss him when he doesn't go in that day. Should we just lie to the NT kids and claim that their ND classmates are all typical too and it's just in their head that there is something different about them? It's in their head that their classmate can't talk or doesn't want to be touched? Or covers their ears because they can't stand a certain sound? Denying autism and refusing to teach what it means to NT kids will cause even more issues. You should be teaching all kids empathy and understanding from an early age. Not waiting for an arbitrary age to introduce these things to kids., Can you see a family therapist? They might have advice but what I can tell you is if she is that aware she knows she is different just not why., Neurodiversity is different that autism acceptance though? Like it was literally the point of my comment that making it autistic specific seems odd, and that the parent should make sure that the sped teachers are involved and its not just a feel good admin move., We don't lie to them. I didn't say that, and please don't put words in my mouth., Right my point was that maybe making it more general could help with what you were concerned about, I'm not sure where you saw me accuse you of lying to them... because I didn't, you should take your own advice about not putting words in other people's mouths. Maybe re read what I wrote. It's ridiculous to think that just because a NT child possibly hasn't heard the word "autistic", wouldn't notice the qualities in an autistic or ND child that makes them different. You do a disservice to all children by not teaching awareness and acceptance to those who are different at a young age., Which is why I said why isn't it disability awareness? Do cerebral palsy, down syndrome and other differences not need awareness at the same time? What about ADHD? If people think kids are mature enough to understand something they can't physically see like autism, they should absolutely be educated on different neurodiversities, in a general sense for all of them. You don't learn specifics until you are older. At what point does it become a psychology class? This is why it's important to generalize disabilities as being hidden or not, and providing children with empathetic practices., In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?" And i didn't say don't teach them about differences. I don't like that they single out autism, because there are other similar disabilities that need as much understanding., World Downs Syndrome day is March 21. My son’s school celebrated. Cerebral Palsy Day is October 6. I don’t think it’s controversial for schools to celebrate any of the awareness days., Down Syndrome awareness day was just March 21th. Down Syndrome awareness month is October. "In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?"" ^^^ Exactly. I didn't accuse you of lying to kids, I asked if we should lie to them because you seem to imply teaching them about autism or even the word would be a negative thing., You're just arguing for the sake of it and im good, have a nice night, I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, My son got his adhd diagnosis at 6 and autism at 7. Each one of them was “hey your brain works in cool and different ways and it’s called _____. Some things might be harder for you and knowing that helps me and your teachers help you more. It also is part of the reason you’re so ____ (creative, good at knowing Mario facts, etc.)” It helps that his dad and aunt have adhd and we know other autistic people so he’s not “different”- he’s like dada. Fast forward to now and he’s in 4th grade trying to blame not liking school on his adhd. I just looked at him and was like “bruh! Dada has adhd same as you and he’s a friggin teacher!” It’s not something to hide, it’s not something to feel bad about. It’s part of who he is and to quote a very wise 9 year old “I wouldn’t be the same me without it.”, At 6 when he was diagnosed. I basically told him that his brain works differently than most peoples and while it makes him really smart (he’s on the Asperger’s side of the spectrum) it also makes some things harder for him like leaving the house (that was his biggest sign, he would fight with us every time we had to leave). He’s 9 now and understands it pretty well and will ask if it’s his autism when there’s somethings really hard for him to understand and sometimes when something’s really easy that isn’t for others., When they were diagnosed at 6 (last year). We said him down and explained it to him as his brain works differently from other people. We also shared that mommy and daddy both have ADHD so our brains work differently too., My kiddo was 11 when they were finally evaluated and diagnosed. They knew way ahead of time why they were being assessed (I'm talking years, since that's how long it took to get them in somewhere) and were relieved to hear the official diagnosis. I definitely think their age and maturity level was a factor in how open and transparent we were with them. I will hazard a guess that other students his age do not know or haven't guessed that he has autism, so I bet you're okay there with not using that as the deciding factor of how and when you talk with him. My family is a bit cheeky. The day we got the official diagnostic report, we surprised my child with a cake that said "Congratulations on Your Autism" (imagine the look on the supermarket bakery employee's face when asked to write that). We wore party hats, sang "Happy Autism to You!", and celebrated all of the cool and weird and funny ways in which their brain works., We chose to tell him prior to him going into a public general education TK (pre kindergarten). We used the books "Remarkable Remy" and "Bitsy Bat School Star." We still have regular conversations about it so he understands why he's going to therapy, why he feels like he needs noise cancelling headphones and other kids don't, etc. We always focus on the positive side of ASD with the goal of him becoming his own advocate., My son is four and has been evaluated by the school, but not by a medical professional yet. We are starting that process on April 12th. I feel like I should at least tell him before we tell any family members? I plan to talk to him about it, soon and often. But is it too soon if he doesn't have a medical diagnosis yet?, When they can understand. My almost 9 year old doesn't understand even though we have read books about it and have been open so we have tabled it until his receptive is better., I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, I told her 2 months after the diagnosis, 7 years, I always find this question interesting. I don't know how it works anywhere else, but when my son was evaluated, we had to attend 3 separate appointments each 2-3 hours long in order to get a diagnosis. I couldn't exactly ever hide it, so he knew from the very beginning what was going on., I'm kind of in the same boat as you. We talk about ASD all the time in this house. LoL and laugh about my own dyslexic issues. We haven't had a sit down heart to heart with my little guy, mainly because I don't think he would understand. He's not completely verbal and has a hard time with concepts... give him something to figure out how it works, or numbers and letters to play with and he's great, explaining stuff... not so much, he picks up a few words but tends to not understand what they mean. So yeah we talk about autism, we've had to explain to tons of people, both those we know and don't know, why he is doing a certain behavior and that he's on the spectrum and done this in front of him(he legit doesn't care, just ignores it and continues to do what he is doing). I guess our hope is that he will come to understand what it means eventually and also never feel ashamed because we make it normal for him to be himself. No one, including children have been mean to him for his diagnosis. If anything, people are more understanding, in our experience anyways, once they understand him better., I met a woman who didn’t know her diagnosis until she was 19 , so anytime before 19 is great :), Mine will be 6 in May. Last month we got the diagnosis. We talked about how we’d had a lot of dr appointments and I told her she has autism, that it’ll make her think differently than other kids, but she’s no less smart. “I’m not that smart” … kid broke my heart. “Some things are hard for me. But I can hold a pen!” I asked if she felt different than other kids and she said she does. I’m so glad I talked to her., I did when he was 7, almost 8. I didn’t plan it, I bought a book about it but never read it. We were hanging out one day on some playground equipment while his brother was at baseball practice and no one else was around and it just seemed like a good time. It went well, I think the main thing he understood was he had autism and that it meant his brain is wired different. He’s 10 now and has had lots of questions since then. I asked him the other day if he’s okay with his diagnosis and he said he’s I’m okay with it, it’s cool., I personally didn’t explain anything at all. I don’t think I have to explain “what he is” to him. He knows. He’s also non-verbal, so I dont see the point. He’s already in a self contained class at school so I think the writing is the on the wall. It’d be like if my parents had sat me down to tell me I’m a girl, like yeah I know., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., The way you explained this is exactly what we are going to have to do! Our 3yo level1 son is behind in some areas (potty training, coloring, social skills), but he can already read full sentences and do addition, subtraction, and multiplication… at 3 freaking years old!, I love this so much, I agree with you. I don’t understand telling pre-k/ kindergarten aged children about autism. It’s hard enough for an adult to comprehend the full scope of things let alone a child that young. I know all families are different and have different preferences though., That's interesting. I'm curious to hear more, can you tell me about what part you think is inappropriate for the age group? It's an elementary school-wide week on autism acceptance so it's not just kindergarteners, Yeah our son was doing math like that, that young as well., It also has to do with how our kids may or may not process things. A neurtypical child with language etc can learn about autism and that it is different but OK. My son just isn't there yet with his language comprehension to get it so it is more a maturity thing. Some kids on the spectrum may never be old enough to understand., Why isn't it Disability awareness? Are autistic kids so special that kids with cerebral palsy or down syndrome don't also deserve compassion and understanding when the children are mature enough to comprehend the impact of their awareness? Kids are cruel. Giving them a name for something they can't yet comprehend is wild. Do you wonder what they will say? How they will present this? I am always very skeptical of NT people pandering to the ND communities in the guise of being accepting. It's like showing a group of fifth graders the movie Roots. They don't fully understand the implications at that age, and kids end up being cruel., My daughter is now 10. Was diagnosed at 3. She went through ABA for years and speech therapy. An IEP and has gotten additional help throughout school. She is very high functioning and does well in school. Does need some help though. Mostly seems like her biggest needs are social and emotional. We have done the Autism Speaks walk in our area since she was 4. We had shirts with her name on it every year and my whole family participated. She just had fun. She never asked and we just never thought to talk to her about it. It just never came up. Fast forward to her last IEP/Parent Teacher conference, her speech therapist asked us if she knew she was autistic. Now I feel like we missed the boat and feel like sh*t about it. She is very emotional and when you try to have serious conversations with her she tends to shut down and doesn’t want to talk. I’m concerned how she’s going to react and I guess that’s really why we never talked about it with her., Im a teacher and my school did a general neurodiversity week and talked about all the different disorders and neurotypes and a little bit about them. They had special ed teachers trained in each area present the info so that it was well informed. Honestly the young kids were so accepting. I don't see any issue in starting acceptance and awareness from a young age, as long as it's done right, it can help decrease stigma., I do always worry about how other kids will react, for sure. But honestly they'll make fun of someone for the way they act whether or not they have a name for what's causing the behavior. April is Autism Awareness month, this is in line with that. It's not an attempt to discredit other disabilities just like the ice bucket challenge wasn't an attempt to give the finger to other physical illnesses., They might not be able to grasp autism on a deep level but I’m pretty sure kids can get a basic understanding of what it is., This is a weird take. So are we just supposed to hide our ND children until a certain age? My son is clearly different, spends the majority of his day in a spec ed classroom but they do integration at his school and goes to a gen ed class for certain things. The kids in that class are more than aware he's not there all day learning with them. And guess what!? There are 2 that help my son out and miss him when he doesn't go in that day. Should we just lie to the NT kids and claim that their ND classmates are all typical too and it's just in their head that there is something different about them? It's in their head that their classmate can't talk or doesn't want to be touched? Or covers their ears because they can't stand a certain sound? Denying autism and refusing to teach what it means to NT kids will cause even more issues. You should be teaching all kids empathy and understanding from an early age. Not waiting for an arbitrary age to introduce these things to kids., Can you see a family therapist? They might have advice but what I can tell you is if she is that aware she knows she is different just not why., Neurodiversity is different that autism acceptance though? Like it was literally the point of my comment that making it autistic specific seems odd, and that the parent should make sure that the sped teachers are involved and its not just a feel good admin move., We don't lie to them. I didn't say that, and please don't put words in my mouth., Right my point was that maybe making it more general could help with what you were concerned about, I'm not sure where you saw me accuse you of lying to them... because I didn't, you should take your own advice about not putting words in other people's mouths. Maybe re read what I wrote. It's ridiculous to think that just because a NT child possibly hasn't heard the word "autistic", wouldn't notice the qualities in an autistic or ND child that makes them different. You do a disservice to all children by not teaching awareness and acceptance to those who are different at a young age., Which is why I said why isn't it disability awareness? Do cerebral palsy, down syndrome and other differences not need awareness at the same time? What about ADHD? If people think kids are mature enough to understand something they can't physically see like autism, they should absolutely be educated on different neurodiversities, in a general sense for all of them. You don't learn specifics until you are older. At what point does it become a psychology class? This is why it's important to generalize disabilities as being hidden or not, and providing children with empathetic practices., In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?" And i didn't say don't teach them about differences. I don't like that they single out autism, because there are other similar disabilities that need as much understanding., World Downs Syndrome day is March 21. My son’s school celebrated. Cerebral Palsy Day is October 6. I don’t think it’s controversial for schools to celebrate any of the awareness days., Down Syndrome awareness day was just March 21th. Down Syndrome awareness month is October. "In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?"" ^^^ Exactly. I didn't accuse you of lying to kids, I asked if we should lie to them because you seem to imply teaching them about autism or even the word would be a negative thing., You're just arguing for the sake of it and im good, have a nice night, I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, My son got his adhd diagnosis at 6 and autism at 7. Each one of them was “hey your brain works in cool and different ways and it’s called _____. Some things might be harder for you and knowing that helps me and your teachers help you more. It also is part of the reason you’re so ____ (creative, good at knowing Mario facts, etc.)” It helps that his dad and aunt have adhd and we know other autistic people so he’s not “different”- he’s like dada. Fast forward to now and he’s in 4th grade trying to blame not liking school on his adhd. I just looked at him and was like “bruh! Dada has adhd same as you and he’s a friggin teacher!” It’s not something to hide, it’s not something to feel bad about. It’s part of who he is and to quote a very wise 9 year old “I wouldn’t be the same me without it.”, At 6 when he was diagnosed. I basically told him that his brain works differently than most peoples and while it makes him really smart (he’s on the Asperger’s side of the spectrum) it also makes some things harder for him like leaving the house (that was his biggest sign, he would fight with us every time we had to leave). He’s 9 now and understands it pretty well and will ask if it’s his autism when there’s somethings really hard for him to understand and sometimes when something’s really easy that isn’t for others., When they were diagnosed at 6 (last year). We said him down and explained it to him as his brain works differently from other people. We also shared that mommy and daddy both have ADHD so our brains work differently too., My kiddo was 11 when they were finally evaluated and diagnosed. They knew way ahead of time why they were being assessed (I'm talking years, since that's how long it took to get them in somewhere) and were relieved to hear the official diagnosis. I definitely think their age and maturity level was a factor in how open and transparent we were with them. I will hazard a guess that other students his age do not know or haven't guessed that he has autism, so I bet you're okay there with not using that as the deciding factor of how and when you talk with him. My family is a bit cheeky. The day we got the official diagnostic report, we surprised my child with a cake that said "Congratulations on Your Autism" (imagine the look on the supermarket bakery employee's face when asked to write that). We wore party hats, sang "Happy Autism to You!", and celebrated all of the cool and weird and funny ways in which their brain works., We chose to tell him prior to him going into a public general education TK (pre kindergarten). We used the books "Remarkable Remy" and "Bitsy Bat School Star." We still have regular conversations about it so he understands why he's going to therapy, why he feels like he needs noise cancelling headphones and other kids don't, etc. We always focus on the positive side of ASD with the goal of him becoming his own advocate., My son is four and has been evaluated by the school, but not by a medical professional yet. We are starting that process on April 12th. I feel like I should at least tell him before we tell any family members? I plan to talk to him about it, soon and often. But is it too soon if he doesn't have a medical diagnosis yet?, When they can understand. My almost 9 year old doesn't understand even though we have read books about it and have been open so we have tabled it until his receptive is better., I've talked with him plainly about it. Our conversation went something like this: "Hey, you know how to go to [center] almost every day and work with [therapist]? That's because you have something called Autism. It means your brain works a little differently than other people. Lots of people have it and I'm pretty sure that I and your grandpa also have it. We just weren't lucky enough to know how to get some extra help like you get." A few days later, my son was playing ABC Mouse and it had a feature on Temple Grandin. I excitedly pointed out that she and him both have autism and how she's done lots of awesome things and he can too!, I told her 2 months after the diagnosis, 7 years, I always find this question interesting. I don't know how it works anywhere else, but when my son was evaluated, we had to attend 3 separate appointments each 2-3 hours long in order to get a diagnosis. I couldn't exactly ever hide it, so he knew from the very beginning what was going on., I'm kind of in the same boat as you. We talk about ASD all the time in this house. LoL and laugh about my own dyslexic issues. We haven't had a sit down heart to heart with my little guy, mainly because I don't think he would understand. He's not completely verbal and has a hard time with concepts... give him something to figure out how it works, or numbers and letters to play with and he's great, explaining stuff... not so much, he picks up a few words but tends to not understand what they mean. So yeah we talk about autism, we've had to explain to tons of people, both those we know and don't know, why he is doing a certain behavior and that he's on the spectrum and done this in front of him(he legit doesn't care, just ignores it and continues to do what he is doing). I guess our hope is that he will come to understand what it means eventually and also never feel ashamed because we make it normal for him to be himself. No one, including children have been mean to him for his diagnosis. If anything, people are more understanding, in our experience anyways, once they understand him better., I met a woman who didn’t know her diagnosis until she was 19 , so anytime before 19 is great :), Mine will be 6 in May. Last month we got the diagnosis. We talked about how we’d had a lot of dr appointments and I told her she has autism, that it’ll make her think differently than other kids, but she’s no less smart. “I’m not that smart” … kid broke my heart. “Some things are hard for me. But I can hold a pen!” I asked if she felt different than other kids and she said she does. I’m so glad I talked to her., I did when he was 7, almost 8. I didn’t plan it, I bought a book about it but never read it. We were hanging out one day on some playground equipment while his brother was at baseball practice and no one else was around and it just seemed like a good time. It went well, I think the main thing he understood was he had autism and that it meant his brain is wired different. He’s 10 now and has had lots of questions since then. I asked him the other day if he’s okay with his diagnosis and he said he’s I’m okay with it, it’s cool., I personally didn’t explain anything at all. I don’t think I have to explain “what he is” to him. He knows. He’s also non-verbal, so I dont see the point. He’s already in a self contained class at school so I think the writing is the on the wall. It’d be like if my parents had sat me down to tell me I’m a girl, like yeah I know., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., Sounds wildly inappropriate for that age group. I would talk to the staff and get an idea of what is happening that week. Well intentioned adults can completely ruin almost anything., The way you explained this is exactly what we are going to have to do! Our 3yo level1 son is behind in some areas (potty training, coloring, social skills), but he can already read full sentences and do addition, subtraction, and multiplication… at 3 freaking years old!, I love this so much, I agree with you. I don’t understand telling pre-k/ kindergarten aged children about autism. It’s hard enough for an adult to comprehend the full scope of things let alone a child that young. I know all families are different and have different preferences though., That's interesting. I'm curious to hear more, can you tell me about what part you think is inappropriate for the age group? It's an elementary school-wide week on autism acceptance so it's not just kindergarteners, Yeah our son was doing math like that, that young as well., It also has to do with how our kids may or may not process things. A neurtypical child with language etc can learn about autism and that it is different but OK. My son just isn't there yet with his language comprehension to get it so it is more a maturity thing. Some kids on the spectrum may never be old enough to understand., Why isn't it Disability awareness? Are autistic kids so special that kids with cerebral palsy or down syndrome don't also deserve compassion and understanding when the children are mature enough to comprehend the impact of their awareness? Kids are cruel. Giving them a name for something they can't yet comprehend is wild. Do you wonder what they will say? How they will present this? I am always very skeptical of NT people pandering to the ND communities in the guise of being accepting. It's like showing a group of fifth graders the movie Roots. They don't fully understand the implications at that age, and kids end up being cruel., My daughter is now 10. Was diagnosed at 3. She went through ABA for years and speech therapy. An IEP and has gotten additional help throughout school. She is very high functioning and does well in school. Does need some help though. Mostly seems like her biggest needs are social and emotional. We have done the Autism Speaks walk in our area since she was 4. We had shirts with her name on it every year and my whole family participated. She just had fun. She never asked and we just never thought to talk to her about it. It just never came up. Fast forward to her last IEP/Parent Teacher conference, her speech therapist asked us if she knew she was autistic. Now I feel like we missed the boat and feel like sh*t about it. She is very emotional and when you try to have serious conversations with her she tends to shut down and doesn’t want to talk. I’m concerned how she’s going to react and I guess that’s really why we never talked about it with her., Im a teacher and my school did a general neurodiversity week and talked about all the different disorders and neurotypes and a little bit about them. They had special ed teachers trained in each area present the info so that it was well informed. Honestly the young kids were so accepting. I don't see any issue in starting acceptance and awareness from a young age, as long as it's done right, it can help decrease stigma., I do always worry about how other kids will react, for sure. But honestly they'll make fun of someone for the way they act whether or not they have a name for what's causing the behavior. April is Autism Awareness month, this is in line with that. It's not an attempt to discredit other disabilities just like the ice bucket challenge wasn't an attempt to give the finger to other physical illnesses., They might not be able to grasp autism on a deep level but I’m pretty sure kids can get a basic understanding of what it is., This is a weird take. So are we just supposed to hide our ND children until a certain age? My son is clearly different, spends the majority of his day in a spec ed classroom but they do integration at his school and goes to a gen ed class for certain things. The kids in that class are more than aware he's not there all day learning with them. And guess what!? There are 2 that help my son out and miss him when he doesn't go in that day. Should we just lie to the NT kids and claim that their ND classmates are all typical too and it's just in their head that there is something different about them? It's in their head that their classmate can't talk or doesn't want to be touched? Or covers their ears because they can't stand a certain sound? Denying autism and refusing to teach what it means to NT kids will cause even more issues. You should be teaching all kids empathy and understanding from an early age. Not waiting for an arbitrary age to introduce these things to kids., Can you see a family therapist? They might have advice but what I can tell you is if she is that aware she knows she is different just not why., Neurodiversity is different that autism acceptance though? Like it was literally the point of my comment that making it autistic specific seems odd, and that the parent should make sure that the sped teachers are involved and its not just a feel good admin move., We don't lie to them. I didn't say that, and please don't put words in my mouth., Right my point was that maybe making it more general could help with what you were concerned about, I'm not sure where you saw me accuse you of lying to them... because I didn't, you should take your own advice about not putting words in other people's mouths. Maybe re read what I wrote. It's ridiculous to think that just because a NT child possibly hasn't heard the word "autistic", wouldn't notice the qualities in an autistic or ND child that makes them different. You do a disservice to all children by not teaching awareness and acceptance to those who are different at a young age., Which is why I said why isn't it disability awareness? Do cerebral palsy, down syndrome and other differences not need awareness at the same time? What about ADHD? If people think kids are mature enough to understand something they can't physically see like autism, they should absolutely be educated on different neurodiversities, in a general sense for all of them. You don't learn specifics until you are older. At what point does it become a psychology class? This is why it's important to generalize disabilities as being hidden or not, and providing children with empathetic practices., In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?" And i didn't say don't teach them about differences. I don't like that they single out autism, because there are other similar disabilities that need as much understanding., World Downs Syndrome day is March 21. My son’s school celebrated. Cerebral Palsy Day is October 6. I don’t think it’s controversial for schools to celebrate any of the awareness days., Down Syndrome awareness day was just March 21th. Down Syndrome awareness month is October. "In your previous comment you said "should we just lie to the NT kids...?"" ^^^ Exactly. I didn't accuse you of lying to kids, I asked if we should lie to them because you seem to imply teaching them about autism or even the word would be a negative thing., You're just arguing for the sake of it and im good, have a nice night

How Do You Approach Sickness?

My son is three and usually we can clearly tell when he is sick. He just started school and we had the flu a few weeks ago. He’s been acting normal, no fever that I have noticed. He’s had a slight runny nose but I figured it was school germs. We were at the pediatrician for his well check and he has a double ear infection and croup 😳 he just started coughing the morning of the appointment. I feel so bad that he was sick and I had no idea 😭

Don’t beat yourself up over it. My little guy is 8 and non-verbal. He generally does not let us know he is not feeling well until he’s really sick. We try to be proactive and monitor for symptoms, but there’s not much you can do. We have a otoscope to check his ears for any obvious signs of an infection and check temp if he feels warm. We also make sure our children do not share cups to try and help prevent spread., My 8 year old non-verbal son just caught strep and we didn't realize it. Saturday he was low energy and spitting a bunch which was odd. We started slightly panicking that he had some kind of severe dental problem. Then Sunday he was back to normal, happy running around, but still spit a couple of times. We decided that he had hurt his throat or something but it was healing. Monday they sent him home from school with a fever and spitting. He was still happy and eating food. 2 urgent care visits, then a trip to the ER later (he was **not** cooperative with the exam), his throat was almost swollen shut from strep. I would still have thought it was just some irritation. Side note: injected antibiotics are wonderful. 1 shot and not a week of fighting him to take meds., Literally went to the Dr today for a croup cough that started in the middle of the night. Not even that bad compared to last time! Turns out he also has an ear infection. There were two mornings that he pulled at his ear once and then that was it. I figure if he was really uncomfortable, I would know. while it sounds bad to have all the stuff going on, he was doing okay! It’s so hard when they can’t or won’t communicate pain clearly so we just do the best we can., Don’t beat yourself up over it. My little guy is 8 and non-verbal. He generally does not let us know he is not feeling well until he’s really sick. We try to be proactive and monitor for symptoms, but there’s not much you can do. We have a otoscope to check his ears for any obvious signs of an infection and check temp if he feels warm. We also make sure our children do not share cups to try and help prevent spread., My 8 year old non-verbal son just caught strep and we didn't realize it. Saturday he was low energy and spitting a bunch which was odd. We started slightly panicking that he had some kind of severe dental problem. Then Sunday he was back to normal, happy running around, but still spit a couple of times. We decided that he had hurt his throat or something but it was healing. Monday they sent him home from school with a fever and spitting. He was still happy and eating food. 2 urgent care visits, then a trip to the ER later (he was **not** cooperative with the exam), his throat was almost swollen shut from strep. I would still have thought it was just some irritation. Side note: injected antibiotics are wonderful. 1 shot and not a week of fighting him to take meds., Literally went to the Dr today for a croup cough that started in the middle of the night. Not even that bad compared to last time! Turns out he also has an ear infection. There were two mornings that he pulled at his ear once and then that was it. I figure if he was really uncomfortable, I would know. while it sounds bad to have all the stuff going on, he was doing okay! It’s so hard when they can’t or won’t communicate pain clearly so we just do the best we can., Don’t beat yourself up over it. My little guy is 8 and non-verbal. He generally does not let us know he is not feeling well until he’s really sick. We try to be proactive and monitor for symptoms, but there’s not much you can do. We have a otoscope to check his ears for any obvious signs of an infection and check temp if he feels warm. We also make sure our children do not share cups to try and help prevent spread., My 8 year old non-verbal son just caught strep and we didn't realize it. Saturday he was low energy and spitting a bunch which was odd. We started slightly panicking that he had some kind of severe dental problem. Then Sunday he was back to normal, happy running around, but still spit a couple of times. We decided that he had hurt his throat or something but it was healing. Monday they sent him home from school with a fever and spitting. He was still happy and eating food. 2 urgent care visits, then a trip to the ER later (he was **not** cooperative with the exam), his throat was almost swollen shut from strep. I would still have thought it was just some irritation. Side note: injected antibiotics are wonderful. 1 shot and not a week of fighting him to take meds., Literally went to the Dr today for a croup cough that started in the middle of the night. Not even that bad compared to last time! Turns out he also has an ear infection. There were two mornings that he pulled at his ear once and then that was it. I figure if he was really uncomfortable, I would know. while it sounds bad to have all the stuff going on, he was doing okay! It’s so hard when they can’t or won’t communicate pain clearly so we just do the best we can., Don’t beat yourself up over it. My little guy is 8 and non-verbal. He generally does not let us know he is not feeling well until he’s really sick. We try to be proactive and monitor for symptoms, but there’s not much you can do. We have a otoscope to check his ears for any obvious signs of an infection and check temp if he feels warm. We also make sure our children do not share cups to try and help prevent spread., My 8 year old non-verbal son just caught strep and we didn't realize it. Saturday he was low energy and spitting a bunch which was odd. We started slightly panicking that he had some kind of severe dental problem. Then Sunday he was back to normal, happy running around, but still spit a couple of times. We decided that he had hurt his throat or something but it was healing. Monday they sent him home from school with a fever and spitting. He was still happy and eating food. 2 urgent care visits, then a trip to the ER later (he was **not** cooperative with the exam), his throat was almost swollen shut from strep. I would still have thought it was just some irritation. Side note: injected antibiotics are wonderful. 1 shot and not a week of fighting him to take meds., Literally went to the Dr today for a croup cough that started in the middle of the night. Not even that bad compared to last time! Turns out he also has an ear infection. There were two mornings that he pulled at his ear once and then that was it. I figure if he was really uncomfortable, I would know. while it sounds bad to have all the stuff going on, he was doing okay! It’s so hard when they can’t or won’t communicate pain clearly so we just do the best we can.

How Much Screen Time Does Your Child Get In a Day?

Just wondering how much screen time your autistic child gets. My 6 year old non verbal son has been glued to his iPad lately. We try to take it away and he is fine for a while but then he is right back at it. We try to distract him but nothing seems to interest him anymore. This has started in the past month or so. Also, he is constantly scrolling instead of actually watching something. If he does watch it, it's maybe a minute or two. And of course, he needs to rewind, forward and pause at specific places :-). I wonder if it helps him regulate (the scrolling, etc.). All that to ask - how much screen time does your child get? How do you distract them? Do you try to limit screen time or you let them choose it? Any advice/help/guidance is appreciated.

On the weekends we make sure we do something for at least several hours per day that doesn't involve any screens. Common things are children museums, play areas in fast food joints, walks in nature areas, playgrounds, or even just running errands. We also try to do something super engaging at home that doesn't involve screens. We have success with very physical play. We play floor is lava, we play a game called Stay On The Bed, which is the kids trying to get off of the bed and adults grabbing kids and throwing them back on the bed. We do long bubbles baths or baths with color changing cars and ramps or color drops. During the week, the kids go to daycare or school full-time, so we are much more lax in the evenings. It is helpful for our autistic son to relax and regulate after school. Now that the weather is getting nicer, I bet we will do walks and bike rides more. So we don't really limit screen time, but we do make sure we do a lot of fun things that don't involve screens., As much as he wants. He’s almost 5. The scrolling and rewind/forward/replaying of seconds is something my kid does constantly. He loves music and sounds and it makes him excited to watch. He also loves to go outside and he listens to YouTube during outside time. I really suggest adding iPad to something they really love so they can be near the iPad and using to listen to radio/YouTube instead of being so laser focused on it. (my son likes i heart radio kids app and regular iheartradio), The question could also be how much cleaning and cooking mom has to do because if I’m busy it’s a great way for him to be busy and entertained which isn’t all day and if he’s locked in I join him on what he’s watching and then break it up with small games/ puzzles and he can resume. I look at my own screen time too and try not being so hard on my kid when us adults have a lot more time spent on these devices without much judgement. The scroll could be self regulating to him!, [deleted], I can only speak for our own family. Every family is different and there is no shame in screens. We went cold turkey on devices/apps/youtube back in October for the same reasons. 1000% worth it. His behavior, self regulation, language/echolalia and overall interaction and interest in the world improved significantly. He gets to watch paw patrol with his cousin on Friday nights for “movie night” and sometimes I’ll put on number blocks or something if I need to get something done, but he loses interest in the big TV in about 5 minutes. I do not let him dictate whats on the big TV and if he fusses about it, it gets shut off. Ipad only comes out for long flights and he understands that., We used to very strictly limit our son (3yo, moderate asd) with screen and tablet time. Until we started seeing him learn from it. He started making leaps and bounds in a bunch of ways, ways that were 100% due to the tablet. He learned his letters, numbers and colors via the tablet, in a super short period of time. Our sweet boy who can’t talk to us, learned all his letters, animals and sounds, colors, shapes, so much so fast. We watched him watch the same price of the same episode over and over. A guy opening a door and saying hi, a guy closing a door and saying bye. Over and over. Then he stopped. Then one day, a week or so after he stopped, I gave him a kiss and said bye as I left for work. He said bye and waved to me. Couldn’t believe it. Our speech therapist told us not to restrict him on it any longer. We have to really take care with it. We can tell when it starts to not be the best thing. When it’s going well, he’ll ask (want iPad, which he is positive has something to do with his head I p-head -points to head, we’re working on the sign) and we’ll give it to him. Most of the time now, he gets his fill, 30-60 minutes, then abandons it or brings it back and gives it back. Sometimes he’ll put it on the table, go play for an hour and go back. Occasionally you can see he’s starting to really Tim with it or spin out, and we need to take it, but that’s less than 50%. As a caveat, his iPad is very carefully curated with content. No just open TV or anything., When my daughter was 6 she could *not* seem to watch a video through to the end, and also spent significant time in front of screens (still does!). Now that she’s 10, we set time limits on her tablet and I always encourage her to play outside when it’s nice or with her brother (4, lvl 1, who similarly spends a lot of time on a tablet). Right now my daughter’s special interest is a game she plays on her tablet so it’s been difficult setting healthy limits with it. She’s currently at 6 hrs per weekday (and has to hand her tablet in while we do school otherwise she’ll try to play it on the side during lessons), but much longer on the weekends (idk exactly what the limit is here, if one. We’re usually out of the house on weekends so she’s not on it at all waking hours). TV time is naturally shorter because she has to fight both her siblings and us parents for the TV, so it’s probably something like 4 hrs per week on average. I know if I gave her free rein of screens, she would not be responsible for hygiene, chores, and her schoolwork, because she’s done that all before. She, in particular, can’t focus on anything else when there’s a screen involved. So that’s a big factor to consider when looking at limiting screen times. She does spend time playing with the neighbor boy (he’s a couple years younger and is the only other child down in our area), or with Legos, drawing or crafting, and the obligatory homework. I don’t want her to live life in front of a screen but I also understand why my kids want to, since I’m constantly on my phone, my husband works from home on his computer and then also spends time on his phone, etc. They see us adults doing it, and/or their peers, and naturally assume it’s a normal thing in life. You can’t really get away from screens in life nowadays, but it has to be balanced for sure. They can’t be glued to it at the detriment of other life skills and responsibilities., My kid is 3.3, take it for what its worth: The only time my kid gets a screen in his hands (phone/tablet) is when I’m unloading groceries by myself and need to keep him strapped into the car seat while I go in and out; I’ll hand him my phone with Bluey on for a 6 minute episode. All of the rest of the “screen time” is a 55 inch TV on the wall. No YouTube, just what is downloaded on my Plex server., About 8-12 hours. Hard to avoid when a significant part of your day involves computer programming. We also never limited it when they were growing up and more of those hours involved video games and TV. I honestly think it's become a bit of a scapegoat these days for some people who fear technology., He gets it as much as he wants. Without the games and videos he would never have started speaking. He was singing his ABC is 5 different languages when he was barely two. There are games that have showed him how to pinch!, Just one day a week for 2 hours. I’ve cut down on it SO much and very proud of myself and my kid for being without it. Long road trips, I’ll let her have it as well. She’s a great car rider on our 16 hour drives to my hometown, No limit here. Our 5 year old, level 3, non-speaking son has a WAC (ipad) and 2 fire tablets. We recharge them at night and whenever he puts them down during the day. He uses them to help regulate himself and has used them to teach himself, mainly through YouTube, the alphabet in English, Russian, and Arabic. He still plays with toys, colors, etc., but at his own discretion. We have 3 other children (ages 5-24) and have never limited screen time on any of them., Unpopular opinion, we have unlimited screen time. It helps him regulate and it is one of his special interests. It helps him be distracted enough to eat meals and he is ok with leaving it at home when he knows we are going in the car or to school. The only problem we find is now and again he will find himself (even with the amazon kids tablet) in an algorithm of jump scare minecraft videos and we have to block, but again, amazon kids tablets are amazing, you can set all of the approvals right down to screen time from the parent account and they come with a unconditional 2 year replacement guarantee., Maximum of one hour and has setting so that Once up, it cannot be used with a message like 'That's all for today'., 2 hours max of video game and tablet time. Tv is a different story as my MIL who lives with us has it on a lot. My son is level 1 however and has plenty of toys and a trampoline to help keep him distracted. He also does chores and gets money for said chores. He then has to pay for his screen time. It is getting harder as he gets older and he’s been sneaking time in while the rest of us are Adler and now the switch and tablet have to be stored in my room when we go to bed., We don’t really limit the amount because he gets a lot out of it — he’s constantly learning about animals or planets or something else that has sparked his interest, and since he doesn’t talk a lot, seeing what he searches has been a good window into what he’s into. But we give him a countdown when we need to put it down to do something else — dinner or heading out to the playground or seeing his OT — and he’s pretty good about putting it down with that warning. We also make sure we have some other activity during the day — usually outside the house — so the tablet is kind of decompression time., There are parental guided access settings you can use to keep the iPad on one video, lock the screen so they can’t scroll or perseverate on one scene. Frenetically jumping from one video or scene to another is not healthy IMO, at least it’s not for my ASD son. I think the quality of what they are watching is more important than the time they are watching., My 2.5 year old gets 2-3 hours per day depending on what we do. I play his iPad during car rides to keep him calm -- and if his dad is watching him, he let's him watch TV. CircleTime, Miss Moni, Miss Rachel, etc. He isn't interested in cartoons though., Together with a parent, we often navigate through street view for -30minutes to an hour a day. Sometimes our city, sometimes a new country. Without a parent, screen time is highly restricted and carefully monitored. I do allow public transport videos of specific transit lines - showing the stops with overhead announcements. I also allow certain engineering videos of water tunnels and water treatment which is his special interest currently. It was not always so. There was a time when he watched 30 min-1 hour of videos alone every day. His behavior at the end of the hour was so horrible when we tried to turn it off that we just stopped altogether. As a rule of thumb, I avoid children’s programming as it makes him unregulated with all the colors and excitement., About 4 hours; less during school days. He enjoys cars and nature, so distracting him isn’t hard in our house, 4, 30mins on week days (excluding anything they do at school). Up to 2hr on a weekend, usually a max of 1hr. 2hrs is more like a rainy day film. TV is in our living room. No handheld devices. Approved watching by us only., 2 hours a day. If they want more time there are opportunities they can acquire more time with extra school work or non-house cleaning related chores. Cleaning should never be a penalty. We clean the house for each other., My kiddo is 4 and a half and he gets more screen time than I would like. However, he’s in school most of the day and has 3 hours of ABA immediately after school so during the week he gets less than 1h per day. Weekends are a free for all; I don’t feel as guilty as I used to because he mostly wants the TV on for background noise. He might fuss a bit when I’m turning it off, but he gets over it pretty quickly and he entertains himself with the tons of toys he has., Typically less than an hour a day on weekdays, sometimes no screen time at all. On the weekends, our kids get maybe two hours a day of their own personal screen time, never more than an hour at a time, and they get extra if we’re watching something as a family. Despite having this pretty firm rationing for the last few years, our autistic daughter (10) still asks for it all day long, even immediately after finishing her scheduled time and being told that she’s done for the day., so my son doesnt do any therapy yet - still in works but he's glued to the iPad - so I make sure the apps he uses are worth the time. surprising he does well on games that teach him .... i was super concern about it at first but it lets him relax and lets me work from home in peace while I do, I don’t monitor how many hours she get so long as she: does 2-3 non-tech activities, does at least one outdoor activity, does not cry or throw a temper tantrum to get her iPad or to put it down for a while, eats (she’s a difficult eater), tries to use the potty at least 2 times, cleans up after herself, and uses her pleases and thank yous. We also don’t watch tv (just use iPads if we want to watch a show) so the iPad is her only screen. I think as long as you balance it out with other activities it’s not a big deal - that’s kinda my rule of thumb., My seven year old gets 2 hours on the tablet on school days, 3 hours on days off. During poor weather, they get to watch some TV or a movie as well. Sometimes, it is hard to limit, and there are definitely meltdowns on occasion., When we’re in the house or the car, as much as she wants. When we’re out and about, be it swimming, hiking, shopping, etc. we usually have it for rests, but otherwise it’s away. The house is boring to her without it, she has toys and does stop the iPad to play with them, but it’s her space and her choice. Car is incredibly boring for her without one. We try to encourage more interaction with nature when outside, and more awareness when doing things like grocery shopping., Depends on the day tbh. My level 3 ASD daughter LOVES being outside so we spend a lot of time outdoors. But on those rainy/cold/super hot days she’ll have the iPad for most of the day. Also when I need to get things done it’s a great distraction for a little while at least (she never stays on it for long). Today I attempted to give her the iPad after a really rough night (5.5 sleep for her, 3.5 for me) but she wasn’t interested. So we went for a walk instead but she got overstimulated and we came back home and played with the hose instead. Right now she’s colouring the outside of the house in chalk (in a place she’s allowed to) and also attempting to pull out the lavender plant I put in today to replace the one she pulled out last time lol., Sometimes the whole day, sometimes not at all, sometimes 2hrs… honestly it depends of what is going on, if they’re having a good day, if the weather is shitty, if I’m not sick, if I don’t need to clean and cook, if I don’t have laundry, if school and ABA won’t be happening for some reason, if I’m not too broke to take them somewhere.. we go with the flow, Probably about 4 hours - morning and night usually when we are busy. We only let him watch learning programs his speech therapist recommended though. It’s how he learns words., My kid is 11 and watching a game theory video right now. His hyper focus is making Gacha characters, FNAF, and video games. He gets 2 hours on school days and 4-6 on weekends. Yes that’s a lot, but it’s really hard to get him off. When I do let him off he is constantly constantly up in my face and making crazy loud screeches and stuff and honestly…until the spring (we have a TON of ice here in upstate NY) and the warm comes? I’m so burnt out that I am letting him. It’s not normally this severe. ETA: he is home from school sick. He also lived music and coding at 5. We do the music too during showers, Up to 4 hours on school days for our 7 year old, other kids not showing much interest/understanding of devices yet. We don't take it off him, helps him self regulate., I am not sure, I’ve never timed it. He tends to eat his meals with the tablet, and then winds down at night with it as well. So maybe 2 hours?, If you get the chance and have stairs me and mine play stair ball light up balls plus stairs helps with gross attention and sharing., If your kid is happy, you’re a great mom. If your doctor thinks your kid is doing fine, then they’re doing fine. The screen time is irrelevant, if it was causing problems, they’d see it. People say screen time is awful, but honestly people used to smoke in their houses and their cars with their babies. Just because we think we’re right now, doesn’t mean we are. My daughter would be so much farther behind right now without her tablet, and every single professional and family member agrees., Maybe your husband should do something about it then. Easier said than done., What does he do all day then? Do you have to keep him engaged the whole day? What does he play with?, This. We did the same and have not looked back. The first couple of weeks were rough but it's so great now. We actually removed out TV and don't own ipads. He watches TV on my laptop if he's home sick. He actually uses our TV unit to jump onto his crash pilow instead now that the TV is gone 🤣 As a movement seeker we've found this vestibular imput helps with regulation much more than a device., How old was your kid when you did this? We did minimal TV today and I was actually embarrassed how well he did. We just said no and he found other things to do. I guess it just became routine for both of us. We started using it when I was pregnant and super nauseous but dad was at work and kept it heavy when baby was born but now I’d rather do other things. I was thinking about cold turkey for a few weeks and seeing what we can come up with!, My son likes things on screens and not much else. If I took those away then the shit would hit the fan big time and we both would regret it., He does what I do (“helps” with laundry, dishes, etc. ), reads books, plays with toys, gets into everything, tears up the house lol (yes I do let him make big messes but we clean up together) but we are out of the house A LOT. I started filling our time with outings, lessons and experiences. We go to the store frequently. I try to turn outings into unstructured “therapy”. This was also the time period I started saying no, holding boundaries, and working on emotional regulation. * * I WONT LIE IT WAS REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD * * When I stopped using screens it increased the likelihood for unpredictable circumstances (in the car, at the store, etc) which increased tantrums and behaviors and I had to just ride the wave. I stopped fearing incidents and started navigating them. He responded well to this. We used a lot of different techniques and resources. It was/is a lot more work for me to do anything, but things have gotten increasingly better ever since. By this point I was mentally able to handle it whereas years previous I was not. It had been survival mode for a long time. He has begun to translate problem solving and emotional regulation techniques to outside situations without me (in therapy, with family members, at preschool) and Im really amazed. I also acknowledge that this may not work forever, but its working now. Last year I posted here asking parents of older children things they wish they had or hadnt done and a majority of the responses was they regretted ipads/gaming. It resonated with me so I followed their advice and the advice of our OT., The first time he was 2.5. Early on it did help his language and learning. Still allowed youtube on TV while I had to WFH. We stopped everything again/altogether when he was 3.5 because it was causing more harm than helping by that point., Thanks so much for the detailed reply. My daughter gets a lot of screen time too unfortunately. I am trying to cut it down too so this was helpful., This was very insightful, thank you so much! My 4 yo can watch 40 minutes of TV per day, she only uses YouTube on the TV for yoga and speech therapy videos, and we don't have an ipad. I really wanted to do what you do, but her independent play is pretty much at a 0, so having to entertain her all day is brutal. We are working on it, but it's a battle. If I may ask, how were you able to stop fearing incidents when out on errands? I feel like I'm on flight or fight mode pretty much all the time (even at home), so tamtrums are really triggering for us. Like you said, we are definitely on survival mode, and this is no way to live. Again, thanks so much for your thoughtful response!, Any time. DM me if you have questions 👍🏻, On the weekends we make sure we do something for at least several hours per day that doesn't involve any screens. Common things are children museums, play areas in fast food joints, walks in nature areas, playgrounds, or even just running errands. We also try to do something super engaging at home that doesn't involve screens. We have success with very physical play. We play floor is lava, we play a game called Stay On The Bed, which is the kids trying to get off of the bed and adults grabbing kids and throwing them back on the bed. We do long bubbles baths or baths with color changing cars and ramps or color drops. During the week, the kids go to daycare or school full-time, so we are much more lax in the evenings. It is helpful for our autistic son to relax and regulate after school. Now that the weather is getting nicer, I bet we will do walks and bike rides more. So we don't really limit screen time, but we do make sure we do a lot of fun things that don't involve screens., As much as he wants. He’s almost 5. The scrolling and rewind/forward/replaying of seconds is something my kid does constantly. He loves music and sounds and it makes him excited to watch. He also loves to go outside and he listens to YouTube during outside time. I really suggest adding iPad to something they really love so they can be near the iPad and using to listen to radio/YouTube instead of being so laser focused on it. (my son likes i heart radio kids app and regular iheartradio), The question could also be how much cleaning and cooking mom has to do because if I’m busy it’s a great way for him to be busy and entertained which isn’t all day and if he’s locked in I join him on what he’s watching and then break it up with small games/ puzzles and he can resume. I look at my own screen time too and try not being so hard on my kid when us adults have a lot more time spent on these devices without much judgement. The scroll could be self regulating to him!, [deleted], I can only speak for our own family. Every family is different and there is no shame in screens. We went cold turkey on devices/apps/youtube back in October for the same reasons. 1000% worth it. His behavior, self regulation, language/echolalia and overall interaction and interest in the world improved significantly. He gets to watch paw patrol with his cousin on Friday nights for “movie night” and sometimes I’ll put on number blocks or something if I need to get something done, but he loses interest in the big TV in about 5 minutes. I do not let him dictate whats on the big TV and if he fusses about it, it gets shut off. Ipad only comes out for long flights and he understands that., We used to very strictly limit our son (3yo, moderate asd) with screen and tablet time. Until we started seeing him learn from it. He started making leaps and bounds in a bunch of ways, ways that were 100% due to the tablet. He learned his letters, numbers and colors via the tablet, in a super short period of time. Our sweet boy who can’t talk to us, learned all his letters, animals and sounds, colors, shapes, so much so fast. We watched him watch the same price of the same episode over and over. A guy opening a door and saying hi, a guy closing a door and saying bye. Over and over. Then he stopped. Then one day, a week or so after he stopped, I gave him a kiss and said bye as I left for work. He said bye and waved to me. Couldn’t believe it. Our speech therapist told us not to restrict him on it any longer. We have to really take care with it. We can tell when it starts to not be the best thing. When it’s going well, he’ll ask (want iPad, which he is positive has something to do with his head I p-head -points to head, we’re working on the sign) and we’ll give it to him. Most of the time now, he gets his fill, 30-60 minutes, then abandons it or brings it back and gives it back. Sometimes he’ll put it on the table, go play for an hour and go back. Occasionally you can see he’s starting to really Tim with it or spin out, and we need to take it, but that’s less than 50%. As a caveat, his iPad is very carefully curated with content. No just open TV or anything., When my daughter was 6 she could *not* seem to watch a video through to the end, and also spent significant time in front of screens (still does!). Now that she’s 10, we set time limits on her tablet and I always encourage her to play outside when it’s nice or with her brother (4, lvl 1, who similarly spends a lot of time on a tablet). Right now my daughter’s special interest is a game she plays on her tablet so it’s been difficult setting healthy limits with it. She’s currently at 6 hrs per weekday (and has to hand her tablet in while we do school otherwise she’ll try to play it on the side during lessons), but much longer on the weekends (idk exactly what the limit is here, if one. We’re usually out of the house on weekends so she’s not on it at all waking hours). TV time is naturally shorter because she has to fight both her siblings and us parents for the TV, so it’s probably something like 4 hrs per week on average. I know if I gave her free rein of screens, she would not be responsible for hygiene, chores, and her schoolwork, because she’s done that all before. She, in particular, can’t focus on anything else when there’s a screen involved. So that’s a big factor to consider when looking at limiting screen times. She does spend time playing with the neighbor boy (he’s a couple years younger and is the only other child down in our area), or with Legos, drawing or crafting, and the obligatory homework. I don’t want her to live life in front of a screen but I also understand why my kids want to, since I’m constantly on my phone, my husband works from home on his computer and then also spends time on his phone, etc. They see us adults doing it, and/or their peers, and naturally assume it’s a normal thing in life. You can’t really get away from screens in life nowadays, but it has to be balanced for sure. They can’t be glued to it at the detriment of other life skills and responsibilities., My kid is 3.3, take it for what its worth: The only time my kid gets a screen in his hands (phone/tablet) is when I’m unloading groceries by myself and need to keep him strapped into the car seat while I go in and out; I’ll hand him my phone with Bluey on for a 6 minute episode. All of the rest of the “screen time” is a 55 inch TV on the wall. No YouTube, just what is downloaded on my Plex server., About 8-12 hours. Hard to avoid when a significant part of your day involves computer programming. We also never limited it when they were growing up and more of those hours involved video games and TV. I honestly think it's become a bit of a scapegoat these days for some people who fear technology., He gets it as much as he wants. Without the games and videos he would never have started speaking. He was singing his ABC is 5 different languages when he was barely two. There are games that have showed him how to pinch!, Just one day a week for 2 hours. I’ve cut down on it SO much and very proud of myself and my kid for being without it. Long road trips, I’ll let her have it as well. She’s a great car rider on our 16 hour drives to my hometown, No limit here. Our 5 year old, level 3, non-speaking son has a WAC (ipad) and 2 fire tablets. We recharge them at night and whenever he puts them down during the day. He uses them to help regulate himself and has used them to teach himself, mainly through YouTube, the alphabet in English, Russian, and Arabic. He still plays with toys, colors, etc., but at his own discretion. We have 3 other children (ages 5-24) and have never limited screen time on any of them., Unpopular opinion, we have unlimited screen time. It helps him regulate and it is one of his special interests. It helps him be distracted enough to eat meals and he is ok with leaving it at home when he knows we are going in the car or to school. The only problem we find is now and again he will find himself (even with the amazon kids tablet) in an algorithm of jump scare minecraft videos and we have to block, but again, amazon kids tablets are amazing, you can set all of the approvals right down to screen time from the parent account and they come with a unconditional 2 year replacement guarantee., Maximum of one hour and has setting so that Once up, it cannot be used with a message like 'That's all for today'., 2 hours max of video game and tablet time. Tv is a different story as my MIL who lives with us has it on a lot. My son is level 1 however and has plenty of toys and a trampoline to help keep him distracted. He also does chores and gets money for said chores. He then has to pay for his screen time. It is getting harder as he gets older and he’s been sneaking time in while the rest of us are Adler and now the switch and tablet have to be stored in my room when we go to bed., We don’t really limit the amount because he gets a lot out of it — he’s constantly learning about animals or planets or something else that has sparked his interest, and since he doesn’t talk a lot, seeing what he searches has been a good window into what he’s into. But we give him a countdown when we need to put it down to do something else — dinner or heading out to the playground or seeing his OT — and he’s pretty good about putting it down with that warning. We also make sure we have some other activity during the day — usually outside the house — so the tablet is kind of decompression time., There are parental guided access settings you can use to keep the iPad on one video, lock the screen so they can’t scroll or perseverate on one scene. Frenetically jumping from one video or scene to another is not healthy IMO, at least it’s not for my ASD son. I think the quality of what they are watching is more important than the time they are watching., My 2.5 year old gets 2-3 hours per day depending on what we do. I play his iPad during car rides to keep him calm -- and if his dad is watching him, he let's him watch TV. CircleTime, Miss Moni, Miss Rachel, etc. He isn't interested in cartoons though., Together with a parent, we often navigate through street view for -30minutes to an hour a day. Sometimes our city, sometimes a new country. Without a parent, screen time is highly restricted and carefully monitored. I do allow public transport videos of specific transit lines - showing the stops with overhead announcements. I also allow certain engineering videos of water tunnels and water treatment which is his special interest currently. It was not always so. There was a time when he watched 30 min-1 hour of videos alone every day. His behavior at the end of the hour was so horrible when we tried to turn it off that we just stopped altogether. As a rule of thumb, I avoid children’s programming as it makes him unregulated with all the colors and excitement., About 4 hours; less during school days. He enjoys cars and nature, so distracting him isn’t hard in our house, 4, 30mins on week days (excluding anything they do at school). Up to 2hr on a weekend, usually a max of 1hr. 2hrs is more like a rainy day film. TV is in our living room. No handheld devices. Approved watching by us only., 2 hours a day. If they want more time there are opportunities they can acquire more time with extra school work or non-house cleaning related chores. Cleaning should never be a penalty. We clean the house for each other., My kiddo is 4 and a half and he gets more screen time than I would like. However, he’s in school most of the day and has 3 hours of ABA immediately after school so during the week he gets less than 1h per day. Weekends are a free for all; I don’t feel as guilty as I used to because he mostly wants the TV on for background noise. He might fuss a bit when I’m turning it off, but he gets over it pretty quickly and he entertains himself with the tons of toys he has., Typically less than an hour a day on weekdays, sometimes no screen time at all. On the weekends, our kids get maybe two hours a day of their own personal screen time, never more than an hour at a time, and they get extra if we’re watching something as a family. Despite having this pretty firm rationing for the last few years, our autistic daughter (10) still asks for it all day long, even immediately after finishing her scheduled time and being told that she’s done for the day., so my son doesnt do any therapy yet - still in works but he's glued to the iPad - so I make sure the apps he uses are worth the time. surprising he does well on games that teach him .... i was super concern about it at first but it lets him relax and lets me work from home in peace while I do, I don’t monitor how many hours she get so long as she: does 2-3 non-tech activities, does at least one outdoor activity, does not cry or throw a temper tantrum to get her iPad or to put it down for a while, eats (she’s a difficult eater), tries to use the potty at least 2 times, cleans up after herself, and uses her pleases and thank yous. We also don’t watch tv (just use iPads if we want to watch a show) so the iPad is her only screen. I think as long as you balance it out with other activities it’s not a big deal - that’s kinda my rule of thumb., My seven year old gets 2 hours on the tablet on school days, 3 hours on days off. During poor weather, they get to watch some TV or a movie as well. Sometimes, it is hard to limit, and there are definitely meltdowns on occasion., When we’re in the house or the car, as much as she wants. When we’re out and about, be it swimming, hiking, shopping, etc. we usually have it for rests, but otherwise it’s away. The house is boring to her without it, she has toys and does stop the iPad to play with them, but it’s her space and her choice. Car is incredibly boring for her without one. We try to encourage more interaction with nature when outside, and more awareness when doing things like grocery shopping., Depends on the day tbh. My level 3 ASD daughter LOVES being outside so we spend a lot of time outdoors. But on those rainy/cold/super hot days she’ll have the iPad for most of the day. Also when I need to get things done it’s a great distraction for a little while at least (she never stays on it for long). Today I attempted to give her the iPad after a really rough night (5.5 sleep for her, 3.5 for me) but she wasn’t interested. So we went for a walk instead but she got overstimulated and we came back home and played with the hose instead. Right now she’s colouring the outside of the house in chalk (in a place she’s allowed to) and also attempting to pull out the lavender plant I put in today to replace the one she pulled out last time lol., Sometimes the whole day, sometimes not at all, sometimes 2hrs… honestly it depends of what is going on, if they’re having a good day, if the weather is shitty, if I’m not sick, if I don’t need to clean and cook, if I don’t have laundry, if school and ABA won’t be happening for some reason, if I’m not too broke to take them somewhere.. we go with the flow, Probably about 4 hours - morning and night usually when we are busy. We only let him watch learning programs his speech therapist recommended though. It’s how he learns words., My kid is 11 and watching a game theory video right now. His hyper focus is making Gacha characters, FNAF, and video games. He gets 2 hours on school days and 4-6 on weekends. Yes that’s a lot, but it’s really hard to get him off. When I do let him off he is constantly constantly up in my face and making crazy loud screeches and stuff and honestly…until the spring (we have a TON of ice here in upstate NY) and the warm comes? I’m so burnt out that I am letting him. It’s not normally this severe. ETA: he is home from school sick. He also lived music and coding at 5. We do the music too during showers, Up to 4 hours on school days for our 7 year old, other kids not showing much interest/understanding of devices yet. We don't take it off him, helps him self regulate., I am not sure, I’ve never timed it. He tends to eat his meals with the tablet, and then winds down at night with it as well. So maybe 2 hours?, If you get the chance and have stairs me and mine play stair ball light up balls plus stairs helps with gross attention and sharing., If your kid is happy, you’re a great mom. If your doctor thinks your kid is doing fine, then they’re doing fine. The screen time is irrelevant, if it was causing problems, they’d see it. People say screen time is awful, but honestly people used to smoke in their houses and their cars with their babies. Just because we think we’re right now, doesn’t mean we are. My daughter would be so much farther behind right now without her tablet, and every single professional and family member agrees., Maybe your husband should do something about it then. Easier said than done., What does he do all day then? Do you have to keep him engaged the whole day? What does he play with?, This. We did the same and have not looked back. The first couple of weeks were rough but it's so great now. We actually removed out TV and don't own ipads. He watches TV on my laptop if he's home sick. He actually uses our TV unit to jump onto his crash pilow instead now that the TV is gone 🤣 As a movement seeker we've found this vestibular imput helps with regulation much more than a device., How old was your kid when you did this? We did minimal TV today and I was actually embarrassed how well he did. We just said no and he found other things to do. I guess it just became routine for both of us. We started using it when I was pregnant and super nauseous but dad was at work and kept it heavy when baby was born but now I’d rather do other things. I was thinking about cold turkey for a few weeks and seeing what we can come up with!, My son likes things on screens and not much else. If I took those away then the shit would hit the fan big time and we both would regret it., He does what I do (“helps” with laundry, dishes, etc. ), reads books, plays with toys, gets into everything, tears up the house lol (yes I do let him make big messes but we clean up together) but we are out of the house A LOT. I started filling our time with outings, lessons and experiences. We go to the store frequently. I try to turn outings into unstructured “therapy”. This was also the time period I started saying no, holding boundaries, and working on emotional regulation. * * I WONT LIE IT WAS REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD * * When I stopped using screens it increased the likelihood for unpredictable circumstances (in the car, at the store, etc) which increased tantrums and behaviors and I had to just ride the wave. I stopped fearing incidents and started navigating them. He responded well to this. We used a lot of different techniques and resources. It was/is a lot more work for me to do anything, but things have gotten increasingly better ever since. By this point I was mentally able to handle it whereas years previous I was not. It had been survival mode for a long time. He has begun to translate problem solving and emotional regulation techniques to outside situations without me (in therapy, with family members, at preschool) and Im really amazed. I also acknowledge that this may not work forever, but its working now. Last year I posted here asking parents of older children things they wish they had or hadnt done and a majority of the responses was they regretted ipads/gaming. It resonated with me so I followed their advice and the advice of our OT., The first time he was 2.5. Early on it did help his language and learning. Still allowed youtube on TV while I had to WFH. We stopped everything again/altogether when he was 3.5 because it was causing more harm than helping by that point., Thanks so much for the detailed reply. My daughter gets a lot of screen time too unfortunately. I am trying to cut it down too so this was helpful., This was very insightful, thank you so much! My 4 yo can watch 40 minutes of TV per day, she only uses YouTube on the TV for yoga and speech therapy videos, and we don't have an ipad. I really wanted to do what you do, but her independent play is pretty much at a 0, so having to entertain her all day is brutal. We are working on it, but it's a battle. If I may ask, how were you able to stop fearing incidents when out on errands? I feel like I'm on flight or fight mode pretty much all the time (even at home), so tamtrums are really triggering for us. Like you said, we are definitely on survival mode, and this is no way to live. Again, thanks so much for your thoughtful response!, Any time. DM me if you have questions 👍🏻, On the weekends we make sure we do something for at least several hours per day that doesn't involve any screens. Common things are children museums, play areas in fast food joints, walks in nature areas, playgrounds, or even just running errands. We also try to do something super engaging at home that doesn't involve screens. We have success with very physical play. We play floor is lava, we play a game called Stay On The Bed, which is the kids trying to get off of the bed and adults grabbing kids and throwing them back on the bed. We do long bubbles baths or baths with color changing cars and ramps or color drops. During the week, the kids go to daycare or school full-time, so we are much more lax in the evenings. It is helpful for our autistic son to relax and regulate after school. Now that the weather is getting nicer, I bet we will do walks and bike rides more. So we don't really limit screen time, but we do make sure we do a lot of fun things that don't involve screens., As much as he wants. He’s almost 5. The scrolling and rewind/forward/replaying of seconds is something my kid does constantly. He loves music and sounds and it makes him excited to watch. He also loves to go outside and he listens to YouTube during outside time. I really suggest adding iPad to something they really love so they can be near the iPad and using to listen to radio/YouTube instead of being so laser focused on it. (my son likes i heart radio kids app and regular iheartradio), The question could also be how much cleaning and cooking mom has to do because if I’m busy it’s a great way for him to be busy and entertained which isn’t all day and if he’s locked in I join him on what he’s watching and then break it up with small games/ puzzles and he can resume. I look at my own screen time too and try not being so hard on my kid when us adults have a lot more time spent on these devices without much judgement. The scroll could be self regulating to him!, [deleted], I can only speak for our own family. Every family is different and there is no shame in screens. We went cold turkey on devices/apps/youtube back in October for the same reasons. 1000% worth it. His behavior, self regulation, language/echolalia and overall interaction and interest in the world improved significantly. He gets to watch paw patrol with his cousin on Friday nights for “movie night” and sometimes I’ll put on number blocks or something if I need to get something done, but he loses interest in the big TV in about 5 minutes. I do not let him dictate whats on the big TV and if he fusses about it, it gets shut off. Ipad only comes out for long flights and he understands that., We used to very strictly limit our son (3yo, moderate asd) with screen and tablet time. Until we started seeing him learn from it. He started making leaps and bounds in a bunch of ways, ways that were 100% due to the tablet. He learned his letters, numbers and colors via the tablet, in a super short period of time. Our sweet boy who can’t talk to us, learned all his letters, animals and sounds, colors, shapes, so much so fast. We watched him watch the same price of the same episode over and over. A guy opening a door and saying hi, a guy closing a door and saying bye. Over and over. Then he stopped. Then one day, a week or so after he stopped, I gave him a kiss and said bye as I left for work. He said bye and waved to me. Couldn’t believe it. Our speech therapist told us not to restrict him on it any longer. We have to really take care with it. We can tell when it starts to not be the best thing. When it’s going well, he’ll ask (want iPad, which he is positive has something to do with his head I p-head -points to head, we’re working on the sign) and we’ll give it to him. Most of the time now, he gets his fill, 30-60 minutes, then abandons it or brings it back and gives it back. Sometimes he’ll put it on the table, go play for an hour and go back. Occasionally you can see he’s starting to really Tim with it or spin out, and we need to take it, but that’s less than 50%. As a caveat, his iPad is very carefully curated with content. No just open TV or anything., When my daughter was 6 she could *not* seem to watch a video through to the end, and also spent significant time in front of screens (still does!). Now that she’s 10, we set time limits on her tablet and I always encourage her to play outside when it’s nice or with her brother (4, lvl 1, who similarly spends a lot of time on a tablet). Right now my daughter’s special interest is a game she plays on her tablet so it’s been difficult setting healthy limits with it. She’s currently at 6 hrs per weekday (and has to hand her tablet in while we do school otherwise she’ll try to play it on the side during lessons), but much longer on the weekends (idk exactly what the limit is here, if one. We’re usually out of the house on weekends so she’s not on it at all waking hours). TV time is naturally shorter because she has to fight both her siblings and us parents for the TV, so it’s probably something like 4 hrs per week on average. I know if I gave her free rein of screens, she would not be responsible for hygiene, chores, and her schoolwork, because she’s done that all before. She, in particular, can’t focus on anything else when there’s a screen involved. So that’s a big factor to consider when looking at limiting screen times. She does spend time playing with the neighbor boy (he’s a couple years younger and is the only other child down in our area), or with Legos, drawing or crafting, and the obligatory homework. I don’t want her to live life in front of a screen but I also understand why my kids want to, since I’m constantly on my phone, my husband works from home on his computer and then also spends time on his phone, etc. They see us adults doing it, and/or their peers, and naturally assume it’s a normal thing in life. You can’t really get away from screens in life nowadays, but it has to be balanced for sure. They can’t be glued to it at the detriment of other life skills and responsibilities., My kid is 3.3, take it for what its worth: The only time my kid gets a screen in his hands (phone/tablet) is when I’m unloading groceries by myself and need to keep him strapped into the car seat while I go in and out; I’ll hand him my phone with Bluey on for a 6 minute episode. All of the rest of the “screen time” is a 55 inch TV on the wall. No YouTube, just what is downloaded on my Plex server., About 8-12 hours. Hard to avoid when a significant part of your day involves computer programming. We also never limited it when they were growing up and more of those hours involved video games and TV. I honestly think it's become a bit of a scapegoat these days for some people who fear technology., He gets it as much as he wants. Without the games and videos he would never have started speaking. He was singing his ABC is 5 different languages when he was barely two. There are games that have showed him how to pinch!, Just one day a week for 2 hours. I’ve cut down on it SO much and very proud of myself and my kid for being without it. Long road trips, I’ll let her have it as well. She’s a great car rider on our 16 hour drives to my hometown, No limit here. Our 5 year old, level 3, non-speaking son has a WAC (ipad) and 2 fire tablets. We recharge them at night and whenever he puts them down during the day. He uses them to help regulate himself and has used them to teach himself, mainly through YouTube, the alphabet in English, Russian, and Arabic. He still plays with toys, colors, etc., but at his own discretion. We have 3 other children (ages 5-24) and have never limited screen time on any of them., Unpopular opinion, we have unlimited screen time. It helps him regulate and it is one of his special interests. It helps him be distracted enough to eat meals and he is ok with leaving it at home when he knows we are going in the car or to school. The only problem we find is now and again he will find himself (even with the amazon kids tablet) in an algorithm of jump scare minecraft videos and we have to block, but again, amazon kids tablets are amazing, you can set all of the approvals right down to screen time from the parent account and they come with a unconditional 2 year replacement guarantee., Maximum of one hour and has setting so that Once up, it cannot be used with a message like 'That's all for today'., 2 hours max of video game and tablet time. Tv is a different story as my MIL who lives with us has it on a lot. My son is level 1 however and has plenty of toys and a trampoline to help keep him distracted. He also does chores and gets money for said chores. He then has to pay for his screen time. It is getting harder as he gets older and he’s been sneaking time in while the rest of us are Adler and now the switch and tablet have to be stored in my room when we go to bed., We don’t really limit the amount because he gets a lot out of it — he’s constantly learning about animals or planets or something else that has sparked his interest, and since he doesn’t talk a lot, seeing what he searches has been a good window into what he’s into. But we give him a countdown when we need to put it down to do something else — dinner or heading out to the playground or seeing his OT — and he’s pretty good about putting it down with that warning. We also make sure we have some other activity during the day — usually outside the house — so the tablet is kind of decompression time., There are parental guided access settings you can use to keep the iPad on one video, lock the screen so they can’t scroll or perseverate on one scene. Frenetically jumping from one video or scene to another is not healthy IMO, at least it’s not for my ASD son. I think the quality of what they are watching is more important than the time they are watching., My 2.5 year old gets 2-3 hours per day depending on what we do. I play his iPad during car rides to keep him calm -- and if his dad is watching him, he let's him watch TV. CircleTime, Miss Moni, Miss Rachel, etc. He isn't interested in cartoons though., Together with a parent, we often navigate through street view for -30minutes to an hour a day. Sometimes our city, sometimes a new country. Without a parent, screen time is highly restricted and carefully monitored. I do allow public transport videos of specific transit lines - showing the stops with overhead announcements. I also allow certain engineering videos of water tunnels and water treatment which is his special interest currently. It was not always so. There was a time when he watched 30 min-1 hour of videos alone every day. His behavior at the end of the hour was so horrible when we tried to turn it off that we just stopped altogether. As a rule of thumb, I avoid children’s programming as it makes him unregulated with all the colors and excitement., About 4 hours; less during school days. He enjoys cars and nature, so distracting him isn’t hard in our house, 4, 30mins on week days (excluding anything they do at school). Up to 2hr on a weekend, usually a max of 1hr. 2hrs is more like a rainy day film. TV is in our living room. No handheld devices. Approved watching by us only., 2 hours a day. If they want more time there are opportunities they can acquire more time with extra school work or non-house cleaning related chores. Cleaning should never be a penalty. We clean the house for each other., My kiddo is 4 and a half and he gets more screen time than I would like. However, he’s in school most of the day and has 3 hours of ABA immediately after school so during the week he gets less than 1h per day. Weekends are a free for all; I don’t feel as guilty as I used to because he mostly wants the TV on for background noise. He might fuss a bit when I’m turning it off, but he gets over it pretty quickly and he entertains himself with the tons of toys he has., Typically less than an hour a day on weekdays, sometimes no screen time at all. On the weekends, our kids get maybe two hours a day of their own personal screen time, never more than an hour at a time, and they get extra if we’re watching something as a family. Despite having this pretty firm rationing for the last few years, our autistic daughter (10) still asks for it all day long, even immediately after finishing her scheduled time and being told that she’s done for the day., so my son doesnt do any therapy yet - still in works but he's glued to the iPad - so I make sure the apps he uses are worth the time. surprising he does well on games that teach him .... i was super concern about it at first but it lets him relax and lets me work from home in peace while I do, I don’t monitor how many hours she get so long as she: does 2-3 non-tech activities, does at least one outdoor activity, does not cry or throw a temper tantrum to get her iPad or to put it down for a while, eats (she’s a difficult eater), tries to use the potty at least 2 times, cleans up after herself, and uses her pleases and thank yous. We also don’t watch tv (just use iPads if we want to watch a show) so the iPad is her only screen. I think as long as you balance it out with other activities it’s not a big deal - that’s kinda my rule of thumb., My seven year old gets 2 hours on the tablet on school days, 3 hours on days off. During poor weather, they get to watch some TV or a movie as well. Sometimes, it is hard to limit, and there are definitely meltdowns on occasion., When we’re in the house or the car, as much as she wants. When we’re out and about, be it swimming, hiking, shopping, etc. we usually have it for rests, but otherwise it’s away. The house is boring to her without it, she has toys and does stop the iPad to play with them, but it’s her space and her choice. Car is incredibly boring for her without one. We try to encourage more interaction with nature when outside, and more awareness when doing things like grocery shopping., Depends on the day tbh. My level 3 ASD daughter LOVES being outside so we spend a lot of time outdoors. But on those rainy/cold/super hot days she’ll have the iPad for most of the day. Also when I need to get things done it’s a great distraction for a little while at least (she never stays on it for long). Today I attempted to give her the iPad after a really rough night (5.5 sleep for her, 3.5 for me) but she wasn’t interested. So we went for a walk instead but she got overstimulated and we came back home and played with the hose instead. Right now she’s colouring the outside of the house in chalk (in a place she’s allowed to) and also attempting to pull out the lavender plant I put in today to replace the one she pulled out last time lol., Sometimes the whole day, sometimes not at all, sometimes 2hrs… honestly it depends of what is going on, if they’re having a good day, if the weather is shitty, if I’m not sick, if I don’t need to clean and cook, if I don’t have laundry, if school and ABA won’t be happening for some reason, if I’m not too broke to take them somewhere.. we go with the flow, Probably about 4 hours - morning and night usually when we are busy. We only let him watch learning programs his speech therapist recommended though. It’s how he learns words., My kid is 11 and watching a game theory video right now. His hyper focus is making Gacha characters, FNAF, and video games. He gets 2 hours on school days and 4-6 on weekends. Yes that’s a lot, but it’s really hard to get him off. When I do let him off he is constantly constantly up in my face and making crazy loud screeches and stuff and honestly…until the spring (we have a TON of ice here in upstate NY) and the warm comes? I’m so burnt out that I am letting him. It’s not normally this severe. ETA: he is home from school sick. He also lived music and coding at 5. We do the music too during showers, Up to 4 hours on school days for our 7 year old, other kids not showing much interest/understanding of devices yet. We don't take it off him, helps him self regulate., I am not sure, I’ve never timed it. He tends to eat his meals with the tablet, and then winds down at night with it as well. So maybe 2 hours?, If you get the chance and have stairs me and mine play stair ball light up balls plus stairs helps with gross attention and sharing., If your kid is happy, you’re a great mom. If your doctor thinks your kid is doing fine, then they’re doing fine. The screen time is irrelevant, if it was causing problems, they’d see it. People say screen time is awful, but honestly people used to smoke in their houses and their cars with their babies. Just because we think we’re right now, doesn’t mean we are. My daughter would be so much farther behind right now without her tablet, and every single professional and family member agrees., Maybe your husband should do something about it then. Easier said than done., What does he do all day then? Do you have to keep him engaged the whole day? What does he play with?, This. We did the same and have not looked back. The first couple of weeks were rough but it's so great now. We actually removed out TV and don't own ipads. He watches TV on my laptop if he's home sick. He actually uses our TV unit to jump onto his crash pilow instead now that the TV is gone 🤣 As a movement seeker we've found this vestibular imput helps with regulation much more than a device., How old was your kid when you did this? We did minimal TV today and I was actually embarrassed how well he did. We just said no and he found other things to do. I guess it just became routine for both of us. We started using it when I was pregnant and super nauseous but dad was at work and kept it heavy when baby was born but now I’d rather do other things. I was thinking about cold turkey for a few weeks and seeing what we can come up with!, My son likes things on screens and not much else. If I took those away then the shit would hit the fan big time and we both would regret it., He does what I do (“helps” with laundry, dishes, etc. ), reads books, plays with toys, gets into everything, tears up the house lol (yes I do let him make big messes but we clean up together) but we are out of the house A LOT. I started filling our time with outings, lessons and experiences. We go to the store frequently. I try to turn outings into unstructured “therapy”. This was also the time period I started saying no, holding boundaries, and working on emotional regulation. * * I WONT LIE IT WAS REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD * * When I stopped using screens it increased the likelihood for unpredictable circumstances (in the car, at the store, etc) which increased tantrums and behaviors and I had to just ride the wave. I stopped fearing incidents and started navigating them. He responded well to this. We used a lot of different techniques and resources. It was/is a lot more work for me to do anything, but things have gotten increasingly better ever since. By this point I was mentally able to handle it whereas years previous I was not. It had been survival mode for a long time. He has begun to translate problem solving and emotional regulation techniques to outside situations without me (in therapy, with family members, at preschool) and Im really amazed. I also acknowledge that this may not work forever, but its working now. Last year I posted here asking parents of older children things they wish they had or hadnt done and a majority of the responses was they regretted ipads/gaming. It resonated with me so I followed their advice and the advice of our OT., The first time he was 2.5. Early on it did help his language and learning. Still allowed youtube on TV while I had to WFH. We stopped everything again/altogether when he was 3.5 because it was causing more harm than helping by that point., Thanks so much for the detailed reply. My daughter gets a lot of screen time too unfortunately. I am trying to cut it down too so this was helpful., This was very insightful, thank you so much! My 4 yo can watch 40 minutes of TV per day, she only uses YouTube on the TV for yoga and speech therapy videos, and we don't have an ipad. I really wanted to do what you do, but her independent play is pretty much at a 0, so having to entertain her all day is brutal. We are working on it, but it's a battle. If I may ask, how were you able to stop fearing incidents when out on errands? I feel like I'm on flight or fight mode pretty much all the time (even at home), so tamtrums are really triggering for us. Like you said, we are definitely on survival mode, and this is no way to live. Again, thanks so much for your thoughtful response!, Any time. DM me if you have questions 👍🏻, On the weekends we make sure we do something for at least several hours per day that doesn't involve any screens. Common things are children museums, play areas in fast food joints, walks in nature areas, playgrounds, or even just running errands. We also try to do something super engaging at home that doesn't involve screens. We have success with very physical play. We play floor is lava, we play a game called Stay On The Bed, which is the kids trying to get off of the bed and adults grabbing kids and throwing them back on the bed. We do long bubbles baths or baths with color changing cars and ramps or color drops. During the week, the kids go to daycare or school full-time, so we are much more lax in the evenings. It is helpful for our autistic son to relax and regulate after school. Now that the weather is getting nicer, I bet we will do walks and bike rides more. So we don't really limit screen time, but we do make sure we do a lot of fun things that don't involve screens., As much as he wants. He’s almost 5. The scrolling and rewind/forward/replaying of seconds is something my kid does constantly. He loves music and sounds and it makes him excited to watch. He also loves to go outside and he listens to YouTube during outside time. I really suggest adding iPad to something they really love so they can be near the iPad and using to listen to radio/YouTube instead of being so laser focused on it. (my son likes i heart radio kids app and regular iheartradio), The question could also be how much cleaning and cooking mom has to do because if I’m busy it’s a great way for him to be busy and entertained which isn’t all day and if he’s locked in I join him on what he’s watching and then break it up with small games/ puzzles and he can resume. I look at my own screen time too and try not being so hard on my kid when us adults have a lot more time spent on these devices without much judgement. The scroll could be self regulating to him!, [deleted], I can only speak for our own family. Every family is different and there is no shame in screens. We went cold turkey on devices/apps/youtube back in October for the same reasons. 1000% worth it. His behavior, self regulation, language/echolalia and overall interaction and interest in the world improved significantly. He gets to watch paw patrol with his cousin on Friday nights for “movie night” and sometimes I’ll put on number blocks or something if I need to get something done, but he loses interest in the big TV in about 5 minutes. I do not let him dictate whats on the big TV and if he fusses about it, it gets shut off. Ipad only comes out for long flights and he understands that., We used to very strictly limit our son (3yo, moderate asd) with screen and tablet time. Until we started seeing him learn from it. He started making leaps and bounds in a bunch of ways, ways that were 100% due to the tablet. He learned his letters, numbers and colors via the tablet, in a super short period of time. Our sweet boy who can’t talk to us, learned all his letters, animals and sounds, colors, shapes, so much so fast. We watched him watch the same price of the same episode over and over. A guy opening a door and saying hi, a guy closing a door and saying bye. Over and over. Then he stopped. Then one day, a week or so after he stopped, I gave him a kiss and said bye as I left for work. He said bye and waved to me. Couldn’t believe it. Our speech therapist told us not to restrict him on it any longer. We have to really take care with it. We can tell when it starts to not be the best thing. When it’s going well, he’ll ask (want iPad, which he is positive has something to do with his head I p-head -points to head, we’re working on the sign) and we’ll give it to him. Most of the time now, he gets his fill, 30-60 minutes, then abandons it or brings it back and gives it back. Sometimes he’ll put it on the table, go play for an hour and go back. Occasionally you can see he’s starting to really Tim with it or spin out, and we need to take it, but that’s less than 50%. As a caveat, his iPad is very carefully curated with content. No just open TV or anything., When my daughter was 6 she could *not* seem to watch a video through to the end, and also spent significant time in front of screens (still does!). Now that she’s 10, we set time limits on her tablet and I always encourage her to play outside when it’s nice or with her brother (4, lvl 1, who similarly spends a lot of time on a tablet). Right now my daughter’s special interest is a game she plays on her tablet so it’s been difficult setting healthy limits with it. She’s currently at 6 hrs per weekday (and has to hand her tablet in while we do school otherwise she’ll try to play it on the side during lessons), but much longer on the weekends (idk exactly what the limit is here, if one. We’re usually out of the house on weekends so she’s not on it at all waking hours). TV time is naturally shorter because she has to fight both her siblings and us parents for the TV, so it’s probably something like 4 hrs per week on average. I know if I gave her free rein of screens, she would not be responsible for hygiene, chores, and her schoolwork, because she’s done that all before. She, in particular, can’t focus on anything else when there’s a screen involved. So that’s a big factor to consider when looking at limiting screen times. She does spend time playing with the neighbor boy (he’s a couple years younger and is the only other child down in our area), or with Legos, drawing or crafting, and the obligatory homework. I don’t want her to live life in front of a screen but I also understand why my kids want to, since I’m constantly on my phone, my husband works from home on his computer and then also spends time on his phone, etc. They see us adults doing it, and/or their peers, and naturally assume it’s a normal thing in life. You can’t really get away from screens in life nowadays, but it has to be balanced for sure. They can’t be glued to it at the detriment of other life skills and responsibilities., My kid is 3.3, take it for what its worth: The only time my kid gets a screen in his hands (phone/tablet) is when I’m unloading groceries by myself and need to keep him strapped into the car seat while I go in and out; I’ll hand him my phone with Bluey on for a 6 minute episode. All of the rest of the “screen time” is a 55 inch TV on the wall. No YouTube, just what is downloaded on my Plex server., About 8-12 hours. Hard to avoid when a significant part of your day involves computer programming. We also never limited it when they were growing up and more of those hours involved video games and TV. I honestly think it's become a bit of a scapegoat these days for some people who fear technology., He gets it as much as he wants. Without the games and videos he would never have started speaking. He was singing his ABC is 5 different languages when he was barely two. There are games that have showed him how to pinch!, Just one day a week for 2 hours. I’ve cut down on it SO much and very proud of myself and my kid for being without it. Long road trips, I’ll let her have it as well. She’s a great car rider on our 16 hour drives to my hometown, No limit here. Our 5 year old, level 3, non-speaking son has a WAC (ipad) and 2 fire tablets. We recharge them at night and whenever he puts them down during the day. He uses them to help regulate himself and has used them to teach himself, mainly through YouTube, the alphabet in English, Russian, and Arabic. He still plays with toys, colors, etc., but at his own discretion. We have 3 other children (ages 5-24) and have never limited screen time on any of them., Unpopular opinion, we have unlimited screen time. It helps him regulate and it is one of his special interests. It helps him be distracted enough to eat meals and he is ok with leaving it at home when he knows we are going in the car or to school. The only problem we find is now and again he will find himself (even with the amazon kids tablet) in an algorithm of jump scare minecraft videos and we have to block, but again, amazon kids tablets are amazing, you can set all of the approvals right down to screen time from the parent account and they come with a unconditional 2 year replacement guarantee., Maximum of one hour and has setting so that Once up, it cannot be used with a message like 'That's all for today'., 2 hours max of video game and tablet time. Tv is a different story as my MIL who lives with us has it on a lot. My son is level 1 however and has plenty of toys and a trampoline to help keep him distracted. He also does chores and gets money for said chores. He then has to pay for his screen time. It is getting harder as he gets older and he’s been sneaking time in while the rest of us are Adler and now the switch and tablet have to be stored in my room when we go to bed., We don’t really limit the amount because he gets a lot out of it — he’s constantly learning about animals or planets or something else that has sparked his interest, and since he doesn’t talk a lot, seeing what he searches has been a good window into what he’s into. But we give him a countdown when we need to put it down to do something else — dinner or heading out to the playground or seeing his OT — and he’s pretty good about putting it down with that warning. We also make sure we have some other activity during the day — usually outside the house — so the tablet is kind of decompression time., There are parental guided access settings you can use to keep the iPad on one video, lock the screen so they can’t scroll or perseverate on one scene. Frenetically jumping from one video or scene to another is not healthy IMO, at least it’s not for my ASD son. I think the quality of what they are watching is more important than the time they are watching., My 2.5 year old gets 2-3 hours per day depending on what we do. I play his iPad during car rides to keep him calm -- and if his dad is watching him, he let's him watch TV. CircleTime, Miss Moni, Miss Rachel, etc. He isn't interested in cartoons though., Together with a parent, we often navigate through street view for -30minutes to an hour a day. Sometimes our city, sometimes a new country. Without a parent, screen time is highly restricted and carefully monitored. I do allow public transport videos of specific transit lines - showing the stops with overhead announcements. I also allow certain engineering videos of water tunnels and water treatment which is his special interest currently. It was not always so. There was a time when he watched 30 min-1 hour of videos alone every day. His behavior at the end of the hour was so horrible when we tried to turn it off that we just stopped altogether. As a rule of thumb, I avoid children’s programming as it makes him unregulated with all the colors and excitement., About 4 hours; less during school days. He enjoys cars and nature, so distracting him isn’t hard in our house, 4, 30mins on week days (excluding anything they do at school). Up to 2hr on a weekend, usually a max of 1hr. 2hrs is more like a rainy day film. TV is in our living room. No handheld devices. Approved watching by us only., 2 hours a day. If they want more time there are opportunities they can acquire more time with extra school work or non-house cleaning related chores. Cleaning should never be a penalty. We clean the house for each other., My kiddo is 4 and a half and he gets more screen time than I would like. However, he’s in school most of the day and has 3 hours of ABA immediately after school so during the week he gets less than 1h per day. Weekends are a free for all; I don’t feel as guilty as I used to because he mostly wants the TV on for background noise. He might fuss a bit when I’m turning it off, but he gets over it pretty quickly and he entertains himself with the tons of toys he has., Typically less than an hour a day on weekdays, sometimes no screen time at all. On the weekends, our kids get maybe two hours a day of their own personal screen time, never more than an hour at a time, and they get extra if we’re watching something as a family. Despite having this pretty firm rationing for the last few years, our autistic daughter (10) still asks for it all day long, even immediately after finishing her scheduled time and being told that she’s done for the day., so my son doesnt do any therapy yet - still in works but he's glued to the iPad - so I make sure the apps he uses are worth the time. surprising he does well on games that teach him .... i was super concern about it at first but it lets him relax and lets me work from home in peace while I do, I don’t monitor how many hours she get so long as she: does 2-3 non-tech activities, does at least one outdoor activity, does not cry or throw a temper tantrum to get her iPad or to put it down for a while, eats (she’s a difficult eater), tries to use the potty at least 2 times, cleans up after herself, and uses her pleases and thank yous. We also don’t watch tv (just use iPads if we want to watch a show) so the iPad is her only screen. I think as long as you balance it out with other activities it’s not a big deal - that’s kinda my rule of thumb., My seven year old gets 2 hours on the tablet on school days, 3 hours on days off. During poor weather, they get to watch some TV or a movie as well. Sometimes, it is hard to limit, and there are definitely meltdowns on occasion., When we’re in the house or the car, as much as she wants. When we’re out and about, be it swimming, hiking, shopping, etc. we usually have it for rests, but otherwise it’s away. The house is boring to her without it, she has toys and does stop the iPad to play with them, but it’s her space and her choice. Car is incredibly boring for her without one. We try to encourage more interaction with nature when outside, and more awareness when doing things like grocery shopping., Depends on the day tbh. My level 3 ASD daughter LOVES being outside so we spend a lot of time outdoors. But on those rainy/cold/super hot days she’ll have the iPad for most of the day. Also when I need to get things done it’s a great distraction for a little while at least (she never stays on it for long). Today I attempted to give her the iPad after a really rough night (5.5 sleep for her, 3.5 for me) but she wasn’t interested. So we went for a walk instead but she got overstimulated and we came back home and played with the hose instead. Right now she’s colouring the outside of the house in chalk (in a place she’s allowed to) and also attempting to pull out the lavender plant I put in today to replace the one she pulled out last time lol., Sometimes the whole day, sometimes not at all, sometimes 2hrs… honestly it depends of what is going on, if they’re having a good day, if the weather is shitty, if I’m not sick, if I don’t need to clean and cook, if I don’t have laundry, if school and ABA won’t be happening for some reason, if I’m not too broke to take them somewhere.. we go with the flow, Probably about 4 hours - morning and night usually when we are busy. We only let him watch learning programs his speech therapist recommended though. It’s how he learns words., My kid is 11 and watching a game theory video right now. His hyper focus is making Gacha characters, FNAF, and video games. He gets 2 hours on school days and 4-6 on weekends. Yes that’s a lot, but it’s really hard to get him off. When I do let him off he is constantly constantly up in my face and making crazy loud screeches and stuff and honestly…until the spring (we have a TON of ice here in upstate NY) and the warm comes? I’m so burnt out that I am letting him. It’s not normally this severe. ETA: he is home from school sick. He also lived music and coding at 5. We do the music too during showers, Up to 4 hours on school days for our 7 year old, other kids not showing much interest/understanding of devices yet. We don't take it off him, helps him self regulate., I am not sure, I’ve never timed it. He tends to eat his meals with the tablet, and then winds down at night with it as well. So maybe 2 hours?, If you get the chance and have stairs me and mine play stair ball light up balls plus stairs helps with gross attention and sharing., If your kid is happy, you’re a great mom. If your doctor thinks your kid is doing fine, then they’re doing fine. The screen time is irrelevant, if it was causing problems, they’d see it. People say screen time is awful, but honestly people used to smoke in their houses and their cars with their babies. Just because we think we’re right now, doesn’t mean we are. My daughter would be so much farther behind right now without her tablet, and every single professional and family member agrees., Maybe your husband should do something about it then. Easier said than done., What does he do all day then? Do you have to keep him engaged the whole day? What does he play with?, This. We did the same and have not looked back. The first couple of weeks were rough but it's so great now. We actually removed out TV and don't own ipads. He watches TV on my laptop if he's home sick. He actually uses our TV unit to jump onto his crash pilow instead now that the TV is gone 🤣 As a movement seeker we've found this vestibular imput helps with regulation much more than a device., How old was your kid when you did this? We did minimal TV today and I was actually embarrassed how well he did. We just said no and he found other things to do. I guess it just became routine for both of us. We started using it when I was pregnant and super nauseous but dad was at work and kept it heavy when baby was born but now I’d rather do other things. I was thinking about cold turkey for a few weeks and seeing what we can come up with!, My son likes things on screens and not much else. If I took those away then the shit would hit the fan big time and we both would regret it., He does what I do (“helps” with laundry, dishes, etc. ), reads books, plays with toys, gets into everything, tears up the house lol (yes I do let him make big messes but we clean up together) but we are out of the house A LOT. I started filling our time with outings, lessons and experiences. We go to the store frequently. I try to turn outings into unstructured “therapy”. This was also the time period I started saying no, holding boundaries, and working on emotional regulation. * * I WONT LIE IT WAS REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD * * When I stopped using screens it increased the likelihood for unpredictable circumstances (in the car, at the store, etc) which increased tantrums and behaviors and I had to just ride the wave. I stopped fearing incidents and started navigating them. He responded well to this. We used a lot of different techniques and resources. It was/is a lot more work for me to do anything, but things have gotten increasingly better ever since. By this point I was mentally able to handle it whereas years previous I was not. It had been survival mode for a long time. He has begun to translate problem solving and emotional regulation techniques to outside situations without me (in therapy, with family members, at preschool) and Im really amazed. I also acknowledge that this may not work forever, but its working now. Last year I posted here asking parents of older children things they wish they had or hadnt done and a majority of the responses was they regretted ipads/gaming. It resonated with me so I followed their advice and the advice of our OT., The first time he was 2.5. Early on it did help his language and learning. Still allowed youtube on TV while I had to WFH. We stopped everything again/altogether when he was 3.5 because it was causing more harm than helping by that point., Thanks so much for the detailed reply. My daughter gets a lot of screen time too unfortunately. I am trying to cut it down too so this was helpful., This was very insightful, thank you so much! My 4 yo can watch 40 minutes of TV per day, she only uses YouTube on the TV for yoga and speech therapy videos, and we don't have an ipad. I really wanted to do what you do, but her independent play is pretty much at a 0, so having to entertain her all day is brutal. We are working on it, but it's a battle. If I may ask, how were you able to stop fearing incidents when out on errands? I feel like I'm on flight or fight mode pretty much all the time (even at home), so tamtrums are really triggering for us. Like you said, we are definitely on survival mode, and this is no way to live. Again, thanks so much for your thoughtful response!, Any time. DM me if you have questions 👍🏻

How can I help my son at the movie theater?

I have a 5-year-old son who is level 2 autistic. He’s verbal with a slight speech delay, but he’s able to communicate his wants and needs just fine. We have plans to go to the movie theater as a family (me, mom, his little sister, and him), and both kids are excited for it. He’s been to the movie theater in the past, but we’ve had to walk out of the movies because he has trouble sitting still and quiet for that long of a time. He likes to get up, walk around, go back and forth between seats and our laps, and will talk and vocalize at times. Does anyone have any tips or tricks we can use to help him focus on the movie? He’s not too bothered by loud noises, it’s more so his attention span and need to move around that gets to him. He is on medication for his hyperactivity, and he does use a weighted vest in school during activities that require sitting still, and during his OT and speech therapy sessions. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Some theaters have sensory friendly showings where kids can freely get up and move around. Aside from that, I wouldn’t push it., I'm sure you've thought of this, but would giving him something to eat help? Our kiddo will happily snack away on a big thing of popcorn at the movies and I'm always surprised at how long he can sit there doing that. He's 7 now, but at 5 this really helped! Wishing you all the best!, I would encourage checking a sensory friendly viewing, if he needs a walk maybe take him out to the lobby briefly, and for the first time pick a short movie., I take my five year old son who is on the spectrum to the movies all the time. First. Accept that you may have to leave 20 minutes in. I suggest getting an AMC A-list subscription if you plan on going frequently because it will save you tons of money on snacks for kiddos and tickets for yourself. It gives you 3 free adult (or kid) movie tickets every week and removes convenience fees from the app. It’s great. I like this because my ticket is free and his is usually a discounted kids ticket. So if it doesn’t work out I wasted 9 dollars instead of 40. Lowers the stakes a bit. I bring a blanket a backpack with his contigo some preferred snacks that he usually doesn’t end up eating because he eats the food at he theater and hearing protector headphone to block out noise if it’s too loud and sunglasses if it’s too bright. I usually get him the kids meal which is a small soda or slushee(he prefers the slushee) a popcorn and some fruit gummies. He will eat that for about an hour and I find the low light actually helps with his eating. With AMC A list you get free upgrades to recliner seats so I usually try to get those because they’re more comfortable and the reclined position sort of locks them in to the seat so it’s awkward for them to get up. He can usually last about an hour and a half before he gets bored. If the movie is good he can sort of focus on it. But if it’s not he gets bored. So far we have gone to wonka and migration and he sat through both of them. Around 20 minutes before the movies ended he was getting cranky. I find that telling him how much longer the movie will be helps him understand and self regulate that this isn’t forever. If he gets antsy I let him sit with me or on my lap and we cuddle. Before the first time our ABA made a social story for him so he understands what will happen. Then after we go to chic-fil-a which is his favorite restaurant to reinforce his positive association with movies. Accept that it may not go well. Practice. You may need to go a few times for him to get acclimated. Hope he enjoys it. Going to the movies is one of our favorite activities now., Wouldn’t push what? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused by the phrasing., Some theaters have sensory friendly showings where kids can freely get up and move around. Aside from that, I wouldn’t push it., I'm sure you've thought of this, but would giving him something to eat help? Our kiddo will happily snack away on a big thing of popcorn at the movies and I'm always surprised at how long he can sit there doing that. He's 7 now, but at 5 this really helped! Wishing you all the best!, I would encourage checking a sensory friendly viewing, if he needs a walk maybe take him out to the lobby briefly, and for the first time pick a short movie., I take my five year old son who is on the spectrum to the movies all the time. First. Accept that you may have to leave 20 minutes in. I suggest getting an AMC A-list subscription if you plan on going frequently because it will save you tons of money on snacks for kiddos and tickets for yourself. It gives you 3 free adult (or kid) movie tickets every week and removes convenience fees from the app. It’s great. I like this because my ticket is free and his is usually a discounted kids ticket. So if it doesn’t work out I wasted 9 dollars instead of 40. Lowers the stakes a bit. I bring a blanket a backpack with his contigo some preferred snacks that he usually doesn’t end up eating because he eats the food at he theater and hearing protector headphone to block out noise if it’s too loud and sunglasses if it’s too bright. I usually get him the kids meal which is a small soda or slushee(he prefers the slushee) a popcorn and some fruit gummies. He will eat that for about an hour and I find the low light actually helps with his eating. With AMC A list you get free upgrades to recliner seats so I usually try to get those because they’re more comfortable and the reclined position sort of locks them in to the seat so it’s awkward for them to get up. He can usually last about an hour and a half before he gets bored. If the movie is good he can sort of focus on it. But if it’s not he gets bored. So far we have gone to wonka and migration and he sat through both of them. Around 20 minutes before the movies ended he was getting cranky. I find that telling him how much longer the movie will be helps him understand and self regulate that this isn’t forever. If he gets antsy I let him sit with me or on my lap and we cuddle. Before the first time our ABA made a social story for him so he understands what will happen. Then after we go to chic-fil-a which is his favorite restaurant to reinforce his positive association with movies. Accept that it may not go well. Practice. You may need to go a few times for him to get acclimated. Hope he enjoys it. Going to the movies is one of our favorite activities now., Wouldn’t push what? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused by the phrasing., Some theaters have sensory friendly showings where kids can freely get up and move around. Aside from that, I wouldn’t push it., I'm sure you've thought of this, but would giving him something to eat help? Our kiddo will happily snack away on a big thing of popcorn at the movies and I'm always surprised at how long he can sit there doing that. He's 7 now, but at 5 this really helped! Wishing you all the best!, I would encourage checking a sensory friendly viewing, if he needs a walk maybe take him out to the lobby briefly, and for the first time pick a short movie., I take my five year old son who is on the spectrum to the movies all the time. First. Accept that you may have to leave 20 minutes in. I suggest getting an AMC A-list subscription if you plan on going frequently because it will save you tons of money on snacks for kiddos and tickets for yourself. It gives you 3 free adult (or kid) movie tickets every week and removes convenience fees from the app. It’s great. I like this because my ticket is free and his is usually a discounted kids ticket. So if it doesn’t work out I wasted 9 dollars instead of 40. Lowers the stakes a bit. I bring a blanket a backpack with his contigo some preferred snacks that he usually doesn’t end up eating because he eats the food at he theater and hearing protector headphone to block out noise if it’s too loud and sunglasses if it’s too bright. I usually get him the kids meal which is a small soda or slushee(he prefers the slushee) a popcorn and some fruit gummies. He will eat that for about an hour and I find the low light actually helps with his eating. With AMC A list you get free upgrades to recliner seats so I usually try to get those because they’re more comfortable and the reclined position sort of locks them in to the seat so it’s awkward for them to get up. He can usually last about an hour and a half before he gets bored. If the movie is good he can sort of focus on it. But if it’s not he gets bored. So far we have gone to wonka and migration and he sat through both of them. Around 20 minutes before the movies ended he was getting cranky. I find that telling him how much longer the movie will be helps him understand and self regulate that this isn’t forever. If he gets antsy I let him sit with me or on my lap and we cuddle. Before the first time our ABA made a social story for him so he understands what will happen. Then after we go to chic-fil-a which is his favorite restaurant to reinforce his positive association with movies. Accept that it may not go well. Practice. You may need to go a few times for him to get acclimated. Hope he enjoys it. Going to the movies is one of our favorite activities now., Wouldn’t push what? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused by the phrasing., Some theaters have sensory friendly showings where kids can freely get up and move around. Aside from that, I wouldn’t push it., I'm sure you've thought of this, but would giving him something to eat help? Our kiddo will happily snack away on a big thing of popcorn at the movies and I'm always surprised at how long he can sit there doing that. He's 7 now, but at 5 this really helped! Wishing you all the best!, I would encourage checking a sensory friendly viewing, if he needs a walk maybe take him out to the lobby briefly, and for the first time pick a short movie., I take my five year old son who is on the spectrum to the movies all the time. First. Accept that you may have to leave 20 minutes in. I suggest getting an AMC A-list subscription if you plan on going frequently because it will save you tons of money on snacks for kiddos and tickets for yourself. It gives you 3 free adult (or kid) movie tickets every week and removes convenience fees from the app. It’s great. I like this because my ticket is free and his is usually a discounted kids ticket. So if it doesn’t work out I wasted 9 dollars instead of 40. Lowers the stakes a bit. I bring a blanket a backpack with his contigo some preferred snacks that he usually doesn’t end up eating because he eats the food at he theater and hearing protector headphone to block out noise if it’s too loud and sunglasses if it’s too bright. I usually get him the kids meal which is a small soda or slushee(he prefers the slushee) a popcorn and some fruit gummies. He will eat that for about an hour and I find the low light actually helps with his eating. With AMC A list you get free upgrades to recliner seats so I usually try to get those because they’re more comfortable and the reclined position sort of locks them in to the seat so it’s awkward for them to get up. He can usually last about an hour and a half before he gets bored. If the movie is good he can sort of focus on it. But if it’s not he gets bored. So far we have gone to wonka and migration and he sat through both of them. Around 20 minutes before the movies ended he was getting cranky. I find that telling him how much longer the movie will be helps him understand and self regulate that this isn’t forever. If he gets antsy I let him sit with me or on my lap and we cuddle. Before the first time our ABA made a social story for him so he understands what will happen. Then after we go to chic-fil-a which is his favorite restaurant to reinforce his positive association with movies. Accept that it may not go well. Practice. You may need to go a few times for him to get acclimated. Hope he enjoys it. Going to the movies is one of our favorite activities now., Wouldn’t push what? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused by the phrasing.

How can I help them be more comfortable with time?

Our preteen suffers forgetting time exists or severely underestimating how long things take. It causes severe reactions when they find out what time it is because they were planning for something else. Its a constant shock and disappointment for them

My 18 year old is like that. He thinks things take longer too so often gets raging at me if I give him 2 hours notice or something. I just have to remember to give lots of time reminders. I'm time blind myself (ADHD) so I can relate, My 18 year old is like that. He thinks things take longer too so often gets raging at me if I give him 2 hours notice or something. I just have to remember to give lots of time reminders. I'm time blind myself (ADHD) so I can relate, My 18 year old is like that. He thinks things take longer too so often gets raging at me if I give him 2 hours notice or something. I just have to remember to give lots of time reminders. I'm time blind myself (ADHD) so I can relate, My 18 year old is like that. He thinks things take longer too so often gets raging at me if I give him 2 hours notice or something. I just have to remember to give lots of time reminders. I'm time blind myself (ADHD) so I can relate

How can I help toddler to not grind teeth?

Hi, my son is 2 1/2 and he was diagnosed September 2023. We just started ABA therapy this January and I'm already seeing major improvements. One behavior that he's been doing the last month or 2 is idk of it'd be considered teeth grinding or chattering but he moves his jaw back and fort and clicks his teeth together. I'm assuming its a stimming behavior. We went to the dentist and she said he's grinding down one of his teeth. His ABA therapist doesn't quite know how to help besides chews. My son does not like chews he will not chew them but he does like to hold the straw to his zak cup and go about his day just holding it between his front teeth. But he will take it out to do the teeth thing. Is there something else I can do to help with this? If it wasn't for him grinding down his tooth I'd be fine with it cause its better than him putting his hand in his diaper.

I’d love for someone to answer this for my preschooler, too., This describes my 3 year old to a tee. I personally haven't figured anything out all I know is it gets worse when he gets upset.  Best of luck , My son started doing this after we took his paci away. His teeth are noticeably ground down. We took him to the dentist and he essentially said try not to stress about it and hopefully he’ll grow out of it. He wasn’t concerned about his teeth. He said they’re baby teeth and he had seen worse. He has stopped to some degree but it gets worse when he is sick., Hello. My son grind his teeth too very hard and there's nothing I can give him to chew to stop that behaviour. What I have notice is that he starts to grind when he is ansioux or oversrimulated with anxiety, so I try to reduce any exposed to scenarios that can cause him that and he stop gringing his teeth for weeks. Have you check what cause your little one to start to grind? Removing the cause may work too..., If he likes the straw you may find Chubuddies helpful. My son is the same way and honestly the only way we even get him to stop *periodically* (it’s not perfect but cutting down at all is an accomplishment) is by being with him constantly and consistently redirecting to the chubuddie. He won’t wear mouth guards or anything else I’ve been recommended. He also hates redirection so I’m surprised he lets us redirect to this-maybe because it can be painful and he can’t stop? I’m not sure. I hope something helps your son with this!, Keep trying the chewy necklaces and try them all!! My daughter (huge grinder) didn’t like them for years but I kept trying every so often and offering new ones and now she LOVES them and will even go get one herself if I forget to put it on for her. , My son did this for around 4 months and then just stopped. We discouraged it whenever possible but nothing really worked. Still not sure what made him stop but I am thankful that he did., Try magnesium gummies. Look into magnesium deficiency and teeth grinding!, Look up sleep apnea. It causes bruxism. It's also super common in autism, Mines the opposite it gets worse when he's excited. Hopefully his tooth doesn't get too bad. Its just the corner of his front tooth so far. Thank you, I'm not sure. It could be a lot of things. He got a new sister on January 8th and started aba a week after. He also started speech 2 weeks ago. There's been so many changes. I honestly don't remember when it started. I think I just noticed it the last month or 2, but it could've been longer. He normally does it when he starts to get excited and is playing. His aba is also 5 days a weeks so our schedules have been packed., Thank you I'll look into it!, My little one started before his first birthday, and it took me a while to catch why he started grinding for many days and when did he stop doing it for a while. In your son case, there's lots of new things going on together for him (maybe this is causing anxiety on him) and by default the grinding. Usually when the cause of anxiety is not removed, it takes a bit more days or even weeks yes before your child get used to the circumstances and stop grinding. Maybe in your little one the cause of grinding can be something else outside of anxiety but is interesting to follow when it started and at which times his grinding is more pronounced, I think his cause is excitement. He'll be playing, and he'll start getting more and more happy and then start doing it. He'll also grab something and start shaking it like me or the table. We call it his happy aggression. He does really get mad, and when he gets upset, his tantrums aren't even true tantrums. He just cries for a bit, and he'll either come sit with someone for cuddles or get distracted by something else. Idk how to calm him down when he gets excited like that. It's like someone is turning up a dial, and it breaks, so you can't turn it back down. He wasn't interested in his sister for awhile. This past week or 2 he's getting more interested and is looking at her and smiling more. One game he likes to play with me and his aba person is to put a blanket on our heads and hug our heads and move us back and forth like he's dancing. He's now starting to try to put a blanket on his sisters head and I have to take it away. I'm worried he's gonna hurt her even though I know its not intentional., So, let's say in your son case extreme joy gets him so overestimulate that he needs to grind his teeth (you found a circumstance that triggers this action on him) Unfortunately happyness and joy happen more often than anxiety (since in My kid case his trigger is anxiety is more easier to try and avoid circumstance were he can get nervous) but in your little one case, is more complicate bcs happyness is very constant daily and we don't want to avoid that feeling 🙂 if your little one can't distract this behaviour chewing something when his excitment shows up, maybe you can consider to Take him to the dentist to build some teeth protector (like the ones used by ppl with bruxism) I know is not very confortable to wear one of those (and don't even know if a toddler will start to have a tantrum wearing one of those) but in the other hand I believe grinding can damaged the teeths in the long run, so is a matter of try to distract with something else (hoping it will work) but if it doesn't consider the idea of a visit to dentist, I’d love for someone to answer this for my preschooler, too., This describes my 3 year old to a tee. I personally haven't figured anything out all I know is it gets worse when he gets upset.  Best of luck , My son started doing this after we took his paci away. His teeth are noticeably ground down. We took him to the dentist and he essentially said try not to stress about it and hopefully he’ll grow out of it. He wasn’t concerned about his teeth. He said they’re baby teeth and he had seen worse. He has stopped to some degree but it gets worse when he is sick., Hello. My son grind his teeth too very hard and there's nothing I can give him to chew to stop that behaviour. What I have notice is that he starts to grind when he is ansioux or oversrimulated with anxiety, so I try to reduce any exposed to scenarios that can cause him that and he stop gringing his teeth for weeks. Have you check what cause your little one to start to grind? Removing the cause may work too..., If he likes the straw you may find Chubuddies helpful. My son is the same way and honestly the only way we even get him to stop *periodically* (it’s not perfect but cutting down at all is an accomplishment) is by being with him constantly and consistently redirecting to the chubuddie. He won’t wear mouth guards or anything else I’ve been recommended. He also hates redirection so I’m surprised he lets us redirect to this-maybe because it can be painful and he can’t stop? I’m not sure. I hope something helps your son with this!, Keep trying the chewy necklaces and try them all!! My daughter (huge grinder) didn’t like them for years but I kept trying every so often and offering new ones and now she LOVES them and will even go get one herself if I forget to put it on for her. , My son did this for around 4 months and then just stopped. We discouraged it whenever possible but nothing really worked. Still not sure what made him stop but I am thankful that he did., Try magnesium gummies. Look into magnesium deficiency and teeth grinding!, Look up sleep apnea. It causes bruxism. It's also super common in autism, Mines the opposite it gets worse when he's excited. Hopefully his tooth doesn't get too bad. Its just the corner of his front tooth so far. Thank you, I'm not sure. It could be a lot of things. He got a new sister on January 8th and started aba a week after. He also started speech 2 weeks ago. There's been so many changes. I honestly don't remember when it started. I think I just noticed it the last month or 2, but it could've been longer. He normally does it when he starts to get excited and is playing. His aba is also 5 days a weeks so our schedules have been packed., Thank you I'll look into it!, My little one started before his first birthday, and it took me a while to catch why he started grinding for many days and when did he stop doing it for a while. In your son case, there's lots of new things going on together for him (maybe this is causing anxiety on him) and by default the grinding. Usually when the cause of anxiety is not removed, it takes a bit more days or even weeks yes before your child get used to the circumstances and stop grinding. Maybe in your little one the cause of grinding can be something else outside of anxiety but is interesting to follow when it started and at which times his grinding is more pronounced, I think his cause is excitement. He'll be playing, and he'll start getting more and more happy and then start doing it. He'll also grab something and start shaking it like me or the table. We call it his happy aggression. He does really get mad, and when he gets upset, his tantrums aren't even true tantrums. He just cries for a bit, and he'll either come sit with someone for cuddles or get distracted by something else. Idk how to calm him down when he gets excited like that. It's like someone is turning up a dial, and it breaks, so you can't turn it back down. He wasn't interested in his sister for awhile. This past week or 2 he's getting more interested and is looking at her and smiling more. One game he likes to play with me and his aba person is to put a blanket on our heads and hug our heads and move us back and forth like he's dancing. He's now starting to try to put a blanket on his sisters head and I have to take it away. I'm worried he's gonna hurt her even though I know its not intentional., So, let's say in your son case extreme joy gets him so overestimulate that he needs to grind his teeth (you found a circumstance that triggers this action on him) Unfortunately happyness and joy happen more often than anxiety (since in My kid case his trigger is anxiety is more easier to try and avoid circumstance were he can get nervous) but in your little one case, is more complicate bcs happyness is very constant daily and we don't want to avoid that feeling 🙂 if your little one can't distract this behaviour chewing something when his excitment shows up, maybe you can consider to Take him to the dentist to build some teeth protector (like the ones used by ppl with bruxism) I know is not very confortable to wear one of those (and don't even know if a toddler will start to have a tantrum wearing one of those) but in the other hand I believe grinding can damaged the teeths in the long run, so is a matter of try to distract with something else (hoping it will work) but if it doesn't consider the idea of a visit to dentist, I’d love for someone to answer this for my preschooler, too., This describes my 3 year old to a tee. I personally haven't figured anything out all I know is it gets worse when he gets upset.  Best of luck , My son started doing this after we took his paci away. His teeth are noticeably ground down. We took him to the dentist and he essentially said try not to stress about it and hopefully he’ll grow out of it. He wasn’t concerned about his teeth. He said they’re baby teeth and he had seen worse. He has stopped to some degree but it gets worse when he is sick., Hello. My son grind his teeth too very hard and there's nothing I can give him to chew to stop that behaviour. What I have notice is that he starts to grind when he is ansioux or oversrimulated with anxiety, so I try to reduce any exposed to scenarios that can cause him that and he stop gringing his teeth for weeks. Have you check what cause your little one to start to grind? Removing the cause may work too..., If he likes the straw you may find Chubuddies helpful. My son is the same way and honestly the only way we even get him to stop *periodically* (it’s not perfect but cutting down at all is an accomplishment) is by being with him constantly and consistently redirecting to the chubuddie. He won’t wear mouth guards or anything else I’ve been recommended. He also hates redirection so I’m surprised he lets us redirect to this-maybe because it can be painful and he can’t stop? I’m not sure. I hope something helps your son with this!, Keep trying the chewy necklaces and try them all!! My daughter (huge grinder) didn’t like them for years but I kept trying every so often and offering new ones and now she LOVES them and will even go get one herself if I forget to put it on for her. , My son did this for around 4 months and then just stopped. We discouraged it whenever possible but nothing really worked. Still not sure what made him stop but I am thankful that he did., Try magnesium gummies. Look into magnesium deficiency and teeth grinding!, Look up sleep apnea. It causes bruxism. It's also super common in autism, Mines the opposite it gets worse when he's excited. Hopefully his tooth doesn't get too bad. Its just the corner of his front tooth so far. Thank you, I'm not sure. It could be a lot of things. He got a new sister on January 8th and started aba a week after. He also started speech 2 weeks ago. There's been so many changes. I honestly don't remember when it started. I think I just noticed it the last month or 2, but it could've been longer. He normally does it when he starts to get excited and is playing. His aba is also 5 days a weeks so our schedules have been packed., Thank you I'll look into it!, My little one started before his first birthday, and it took me a while to catch why he started grinding for many days and when did he stop doing it for a while. In your son case, there's lots of new things going on together for him (maybe this is causing anxiety on him) and by default the grinding. Usually when the cause of anxiety is not removed, it takes a bit more days or even weeks yes before your child get used to the circumstances and stop grinding. Maybe in your little one the cause of grinding can be something else outside of anxiety but is interesting to follow when it started and at which times his grinding is more pronounced, I think his cause is excitement. He'll be playing, and he'll start getting more and more happy and then start doing it. He'll also grab something and start shaking it like me or the table. We call it his happy aggression. He does really get mad, and when he gets upset, his tantrums aren't even true tantrums. He just cries for a bit, and he'll either come sit with someone for cuddles or get distracted by something else. Idk how to calm him down when he gets excited like that. It's like someone is turning up a dial, and it breaks, so you can't turn it back down. He wasn't interested in his sister for awhile. This past week or 2 he's getting more interested and is looking at her and smiling more. One game he likes to play with me and his aba person is to put a blanket on our heads and hug our heads and move us back and forth like he's dancing. He's now starting to try to put a blanket on his sisters head and I have to take it away. I'm worried he's gonna hurt her even though I know its not intentional., So, let's say in your son case extreme joy gets him so overestimulate that he needs to grind his teeth (you found a circumstance that triggers this action on him) Unfortunately happyness and joy happen more often than anxiety (since in My kid case his trigger is anxiety is more easier to try and avoid circumstance were he can get nervous) but in your little one case, is more complicate bcs happyness is very constant daily and we don't want to avoid that feeling 🙂 if your little one can't distract this behaviour chewing something when his excitment shows up, maybe you can consider to Take him to the dentist to build some teeth protector (like the ones used by ppl with bruxism) I know is not very confortable to wear one of those (and don't even know if a toddler will start to have a tantrum wearing one of those) but in the other hand I believe grinding can damaged the teeths in the long run, so is a matter of try to distract with something else (hoping it will work) but if it doesn't consider the idea of a visit to dentist, I’d love for someone to answer this for my preschooler, too., This describes my 3 year old to a tee. I personally haven't figured anything out all I know is it gets worse when he gets upset.  Best of luck , My son started doing this after we took his paci away. His teeth are noticeably ground down. We took him to the dentist and he essentially said try not to stress about it and hopefully he’ll grow out of it. He wasn’t concerned about his teeth. He said they’re baby teeth and he had seen worse. He has stopped to some degree but it gets worse when he is sick., Hello. My son grind his teeth too very hard and there's nothing I can give him to chew to stop that behaviour. What I have notice is that he starts to grind when he is ansioux or oversrimulated with anxiety, so I try to reduce any exposed to scenarios that can cause him that and he stop gringing his teeth for weeks. Have you check what cause your little one to start to grind? Removing the cause may work too..., If he likes the straw you may find Chubuddies helpful. My son is the same way and honestly the only way we even get him to stop *periodically* (it’s not perfect but cutting down at all is an accomplishment) is by being with him constantly and consistently redirecting to the chubuddie. He won’t wear mouth guards or anything else I’ve been recommended. He also hates redirection so I’m surprised he lets us redirect to this-maybe because it can be painful and he can’t stop? I’m not sure. I hope something helps your son with this!, Keep trying the chewy necklaces and try them all!! My daughter (huge grinder) didn’t like them for years but I kept trying every so often and offering new ones and now she LOVES them and will even go get one herself if I forget to put it on for her. , My son did this for around 4 months and then just stopped. We discouraged it whenever possible but nothing really worked. Still not sure what made him stop but I am thankful that he did., Try magnesium gummies. Look into magnesium deficiency and teeth grinding!, Look up sleep apnea. It causes bruxism. It's also super common in autism, Mines the opposite it gets worse when he's excited. Hopefully his tooth doesn't get too bad. Its just the corner of his front tooth so far. Thank you, I'm not sure. It could be a lot of things. He got a new sister on January 8th and started aba a week after. He also started speech 2 weeks ago. There's been so many changes. I honestly don't remember when it started. I think I just noticed it the last month or 2, but it could've been longer. He normally does it when he starts to get excited and is playing. His aba is also 5 days a weeks so our schedules have been packed., Thank you I'll look into it!, My little one started before his first birthday, and it took me a while to catch why he started grinding for many days and when did he stop doing it for a while. In your son case, there's lots of new things going on together for him (maybe this is causing anxiety on him) and by default the grinding. Usually when the cause of anxiety is not removed, it takes a bit more days or even weeks yes before your child get used to the circumstances and stop grinding. Maybe in your little one the cause of grinding can be something else outside of anxiety but is interesting to follow when it started and at which times his grinding is more pronounced, I think his cause is excitement. He'll be playing, and he'll start getting more and more happy and then start doing it. He'll also grab something and start shaking it like me or the table. We call it his happy aggression. He does really get mad, and when he gets upset, his tantrums aren't even true tantrums. He just cries for a bit, and he'll either come sit with someone for cuddles or get distracted by something else. Idk how to calm him down when he gets excited like that. It's like someone is turning up a dial, and it breaks, so you can't turn it back down. He wasn't interested in his sister for awhile. This past week or 2 he's getting more interested and is looking at her and smiling more. One game he likes to play with me and his aba person is to put a blanket on our heads and hug our heads and move us back and forth like he's dancing. He's now starting to try to put a blanket on his sisters head and I have to take it away. I'm worried he's gonna hurt her even though I know its not intentional., So, let's say in your son case extreme joy gets him so overestimulate that he needs to grind his teeth (you found a circumstance that triggers this action on him) Unfortunately happyness and joy happen more often than anxiety (since in My kid case his trigger is anxiety is more easier to try and avoid circumstance were he can get nervous) but in your little one case, is more complicate bcs happyness is very constant daily and we don't want to avoid that feeling 🙂 if your little one can't distract this behaviour chewing something when his excitment shows up, maybe you can consider to Take him to the dentist to build some teeth protector (like the ones used by ppl with bruxism) I know is not very confortable to wear one of those (and don't even know if a toddler will start to have a tantrum wearing one of those) but in the other hand I believe grinding can damaged the teeths in the long run, so is a matter of try to distract with something else (hoping it will work) but if it doesn't consider the idea of a visit to dentist

How can I reduce my son's habit of scripting.

Hello redditors, as it is holiday time, my 6 year old son has been on winter break. Since he has been home, I have come to realize just how much scripting and stimming he truly does, and I'm very worried. Currently, we live with my parents, and I share a room with my son. I've been excited for the break because it meant more time with my son and maybe some extra sleep. Well, he wakes up early in the morning and begins to script the moment his eyes open. I am not a happy waker and early mornings, and I do not mix well. Not to mention, he practically starts at a volume of about 8/10 for his first session of scripting, and it startles me awake, which means I don't feel well rested. If I know I need some extra sleep I will give him his switch and tell him to play it in our room until my alarm goes off and that will typically help but I personally don't like putting him in front of screens like that first thing in the morning but I also know if I wake up that way my limits for my own temper are more likely to be crossed and I don't want to snap or get upset at my kiddo because I know he can't help it. I know I probably sound awful for this, but I'm truly lost and confused about this topic... I am autistic as well, and I'm trying to think of how I would handle this, but all I know is screen time as that is all my parents did to get me out of their hair. Can anyone give me some advice on how to curve this behavior?

I would not interfere with the scripting but set boundaries on it. For us, we have a rule that our son (7) is not supposed to come to our room before sunrise unless there’s an emergency. He’s very trustworthy and either plays video games, reads or plays with toys. He loudly scripts while doing this in his room, and I’m fine with it because it’s not loud enough to wake us up. If he wants to script super loudly during the day, we ask him to do it in his room. He either is fine with that, or decides to stim in a quieter manner. This probably sounds cold to some, but my son is mild/moderate and likely going to have a roommate, partner, etc., one day, so he needs to know roommate etiquette. Nothing wrong with scripting, but he needs to know when it might annoy others. He gets two hours of switch time a day, and if he wants to use that the second he wakes up, I’m fine with it, but he doesn’t get more. We have a parental control timer on it, so we don’t have to nag him., I think you’d be fighting an uphill battle to try and stop it. It’s their way of regulating and communicating. I only get annoyed when it’s something gross and I’ll tell him that’s enough of that bit. He’ll apologize and even then, not always stop., Is he scripting as a stim or is he scripting as part of gestalt language learning or.. both?, scripting?, Check into Gestalt Language Processing, We got our son one of those clocks that changes color at 6am (when we set it). It took a while with lots of rewards, but he understands now that he's not to leave his room until it turns green. He can play legos in his room if he wakes up before then. It's been a real help., I can only speak to our own experience but removing my sons tablet, games and YouTube altogether decreased repetitive scripting significantly and promoted more conversational speech and imaginative play. (In addition to significant behavior improvements) He gets about half an hour of whatever cartoon is on TV some days, but he isn’t very interested in prefers to play while it’s on anyway. He is still very chatty, likes to sing, has familiar comforting phrases but they tend to be more functional/relevant to whats happening around him. (I have never asked him to stop scripting. I know delayed echolalia/scripting can be early building blocks to speech for GLPs!), >This probably sounds cold to some, but my son is mild/moderate and likely going to have a roommate, partner, etc., one day, so he needs to know roommate etiquette. Nothing wrong with scripting, but he needs to know when it might annoy others. I see nothing wrong with that. As Wired put it in a article "All The Feels". "We can't all accommodate one another's special feelings at all times.... Compromise doesn't invalidate your worth as an individual; in exchange for tolerating the eccentricities and foibles of others, you get a real community that will sustain and support you." Compromise is needed. This is why the word reasonable is always in front of the word accommodations. But there needs to be true compromise. It can not be one sided. Accommodations only work when they are reasonable. Sounds like you made a reasonable accommodation for both you and your son taking into account both your needs., Sounds like you have a good system going!, Off topic but how do you get that detail under your name?, It's both, It’s flair! I forget exactly what to click but if you Google “how to add flair on Reddit,” you’ll get there!, I would encourage you not to try to stop it, as gestalt language processing and scripting can be very important to how they learn language and it can also be a form of communication in and of itself. You may wish to look at Instagram accounts like empoweringspeechservices and natural.language.acquisition and Jesstheslp and others for more info on that and how to advance it into speech. I would also recommend ear plugs like Loop! It can soften the noise for you and decrease the annoyance/trigger without completely blocking it out., Ty!

How can you help diagnosis limbo?

You can read my last post if interested. My doctor does not want to diagnose ASD right now because our insurance is very strict about it. He cited extreme difficulty getting United Healthcare to look at "atypical" cases that don't check every single box. However everything seems to point to HFA. Our ADOS-2 from a random clinic we tried was negative for restrictive/repetitive behavior, but socially he had several points. They administered the non-verbal version even though he's fully verbal...He was later tested to be fully conversational. At first our doctor believed the ADOS had been done improperly because my son stimmed a lot in his presence, so we got different assessments by the school system. On a few he scored within the autism range. My son then scored 1 point off of the CARS-2 there which my doctor said ultimately rules out ASD. He's four years old and took the CARS-2 and got a 29. I think the cutoff is 30. He says with my particular insurance, there's just no way they're going to accept a diagnosis when he's not scoring right in all the assessments. One fucking point. And here's the thing...The symptoms that he is actually checking boxes for can be quite severe. He then said let's medicate for his hyperactivity and it might let us view the symptoms clearer. I said okay because I didn't realize how big of a deal this might be... My son's symptoms have gotten worse in the past few days. His special interests now exclude most other activities. All he wants to do is draw and play with play doh and be left alone all day. He can do these for many hours. We were already having trouble with him being very selective about participating in preschool. His stimming has been like throwing gasoline on a fire and tonight he was handflapping and toe dancing for up to an hour before bed and not listening to anything I was saying. When we go out he loudly says "EEE EEEE" and people stare at him. He does that anyway but it's harder to stop him. He still darts out into parking lots laughing wildly. He had a shaking meltdown with tears over getting his teeth brushed. (I'm filming some of this for documentation). Our doctor suggested a few other developmental disorders but they fit him WAY less than autism. I feel sick at the thought of maybe...Never getting an answer. Or being pressured into a diagnosis that insurance doesn't mind approving because the therapies aren't as expensive. He's obviously on the spectrum. He acts very similarly to other HFA kids to my knowledge and he's had a few classic symptoms since toddlerhood, including failure to point or understand pointing for a very long time and a longstanding social delay. Should I get a second opinion? My doctor said if he doesn't need ABA that there was no point in a label but that also seems off to me because we're looking into special private schools and it seems like they would need a diagnosis. The more I think about it the more it seems like he's scared of our insurance. Please be kind because daycares have been telling us for years my son may be ASD and needs help. One even suggested special pre-k. And it's taken a really long time to get to these evaluations, and they've made things more confusing than ever. I'm also in a state of anxiety so I realize this may come off as overly concerned.

Regardless of if it’s ASD some of the main treatment plans consist of OT/ST and it might be worth asking for a referral, documentation from said therapy could aid in an ASD diagnosis., It sounds like you mabey need to switch insurance not providers. Insurance is trying to wiggle out of paying for ABA becuase it's expensive,.and insurance is the real issue here. Your provider wants to treat...but likely knows the $40k -60k price tag for aba isn't something you can swing without insurance. I'd be looking into marketplace plans or switching jobs., We go to OT and his therapist believes he is autistic. She filled out a survey to aid in the diagnosis and she was surprised he didn't end up getting diagnosed yet. He doesn't qualify for speech therapy anymore. He was assessed to have advanced verbal skills after going through a period where he didn't really speak but he now doesn't qualify. He has social speech but the majority of he prefers to quietly do his hobbies so he just doesn't speak much because he prefers to play by himself. There's one small area he has very low comprehension with but it doesn't qualify him., Thanks. We actually really hate our insurance for many reasons so we'll be trying to get rid of them. Longest time we'll have to wait is end of this year., Is he experiencing any barriers or issues that are preventing his learning/growth/development? Or to put another way how would the official medical diagnosis assist your child? Not saying that you shouldn’t seek it, but if he’s adjusting at this time without support the label may hold him back more than provide aid. Now that being said if there’s something you’re seeing that he would benefit from, such as aba therapy or you think he won’t be independent when grown then chase that diagnosis….I’m a little confused on how the insurance company is getting to dictate if your child has a diagnosis… in my experience it’s the medical doctor that determines criteria and not the insurance. Is the doctor his Primary Care Provider?, Thank you for your responses. He just started seeing a developmental pediatrician. He does currently go to preschool but he has specialized instruction and a SpEd teacher sees him there. The school system has given him an educational label of ASD for an IEP after their observations and we're currently working on getting him to participate in all the activities because his interests are pretty restricted. He can be volatile when made to change activities and he has had major issues in school environments. He's got 1.5 years before Kindergarten so we're really hoping we can get him to do more and adjust better. He also doesn't really cooperate with other children. He'll interact if they have something he wants but he prefers to be by himself. He has had a pronounced social delay since he was a baby and no matter what we've tried he hasn't simply "grown out" of it. I worry he won't be able to make friends but he should be able to work in groups by Kindergarten. Tbh I have no idea what my doctor is talking about specifically and I should probably ask him to break it down for me. I think he probably said something like United Healthcare often denies coverage for therapies and maybe medications if they don't think you have adequate documentation for a disorder. I am probably explaining this part incorrectly because I don't understand it. Dr. says kids like mine don't do well in ABA even if he were to receive the ASD diagnosis medically. So we probably will not do that therapy. However there are private schools my husband and I are looking at should our son still not be able to participate in class properly by Kindergarten. We have a special one in our area for autism, ADHD, and a few other disorders which I have been assuming we would need a diagnosis for. Additionally the public school has been eager to hear about his official diagnosis and I also don't know how that works so idk would that change their opinion on the IEP? They said the exact label won't matter but he might be approached differently if they think he has a different condition., So, I love the forward planning, it may be worth seeing if your child would qualify for Tefra. If the hold up is insurance. Short of that I would encourage you continue to document, and provide the information to the doctor…even if the official ASD diagnosis isn’t provided at this time he should be able to qualify for unspecified disorder of psychological development (typically that’s the diagnosis a lot of children have before an official ASD diagnosis is given) which the school should be able to use…, Regardless of if it’s ASD some of the main treatment plans consist of OT/ST and it might be worth asking for a referral, documentation from said therapy could aid in an ASD diagnosis., It sounds like you mabey need to switch insurance not providers. Insurance is trying to wiggle out of paying for ABA becuase it's expensive,.and insurance is the real issue here. Your provider wants to treat...but likely knows the $40k -60k price tag for aba isn't something you can swing without insurance. I'd be looking into marketplace plans or switching jobs., We go to OT and his therapist believes he is autistic. She filled out a survey to aid in the diagnosis and she was surprised he didn't end up getting diagnosed yet. He doesn't qualify for speech therapy anymore. He was assessed to have advanced verbal skills after going through a period where he didn't really speak but he now doesn't qualify. He has social speech but the majority of he prefers to quietly do his hobbies so he just doesn't speak much because he prefers to play by himself. There's one small area he has very low comprehension with but it doesn't qualify him., Thanks. We actually really hate our insurance for many reasons so we'll be trying to get rid of them. Longest time we'll have to wait is end of this year., Is he experiencing any barriers or issues that are preventing his learning/growth/development? Or to put another way how would the official medical diagnosis assist your child? Not saying that you shouldn’t seek it, but if he’s adjusting at this time without support the label may hold him back more than provide aid. Now that being said if there’s something you’re seeing that he would benefit from, such as aba therapy or you think he won’t be independent when grown then chase that diagnosis….I’m a little confused on how the insurance company is getting to dictate if your child has a diagnosis… in my experience it’s the medical doctor that determines criteria and not the insurance. Is the doctor his Primary Care Provider?, Thank you for your responses. He just started seeing a developmental pediatrician. He does currently go to preschool but he has specialized instruction and a SpEd teacher sees him there. The school system has given him an educational label of ASD for an IEP after their observations and we're currently working on getting him to participate in all the activities because his interests are pretty restricted. He can be volatile when made to change activities and he has had major issues in school environments. He's got 1.5 years before Kindergarten so we're really hoping we can get him to do more and adjust better. He also doesn't really cooperate with other children. He'll interact if they have something he wants but he prefers to be by himself. He has had a pronounced social delay since he was a baby and no matter what we've tried he hasn't simply "grown out" of it. I worry he won't be able to make friends but he should be able to work in groups by Kindergarten. Tbh I have no idea what my doctor is talking about specifically and I should probably ask him to break it down for me. I think he probably said something like United Healthcare often denies coverage for therapies and maybe medications if they don't think you have adequate documentation for a disorder. I am probably explaining this part incorrectly because I don't understand it. Dr. says kids like mine don't do well in ABA even if he were to receive the ASD diagnosis medically. So we probably will not do that therapy. However there are private schools my husband and I are looking at should our son still not be able to participate in class properly by Kindergarten. We have a special one in our area for autism, ADHD, and a few other disorders which I have been assuming we would need a diagnosis for. Additionally the public school has been eager to hear about his official diagnosis and I also don't know how that works so idk would that change their opinion on the IEP? They said the exact label won't matter but he might be approached differently if they think he has a different condition., So, I love the forward planning, it may be worth seeing if your child would qualify for Tefra. If the hold up is insurance. Short of that I would encourage you continue to document, and provide the information to the doctor…even if the official ASD diagnosis isn’t provided at this time he should be able to qualify for unspecified disorder of psychological development (typically that’s the diagnosis a lot of children have before an official ASD diagnosis is given) which the school should be able to use…, Regardless of if it’s ASD some of the main treatment plans consist of OT/ST and it might be worth asking for a referral, documentation from said therapy could aid in an ASD diagnosis., It sounds like you mabey need to switch insurance not providers. Insurance is trying to wiggle out of paying for ABA becuase it's expensive,.and insurance is the real issue here. Your provider wants to treat...but likely knows the $40k -60k price tag for aba isn't something you can swing without insurance. I'd be looking into marketplace plans or switching jobs., We go to OT and his therapist believes he is autistic. She filled out a survey to aid in the diagnosis and she was surprised he didn't end up getting diagnosed yet. He doesn't qualify for speech therapy anymore. He was assessed to have advanced verbal skills after going through a period where he didn't really speak but he now doesn't qualify. He has social speech but the majority of he prefers to quietly do his hobbies so he just doesn't speak much because he prefers to play by himself. There's one small area he has very low comprehension with but it doesn't qualify him., Thanks. We actually really hate our insurance for many reasons so we'll be trying to get rid of them. Longest time we'll have to wait is end of this year., Is he experiencing any barriers or issues that are preventing his learning/growth/development? Or to put another way how would the official medical diagnosis assist your child? Not saying that you shouldn’t seek it, but if he’s adjusting at this time without support the label may hold him back more than provide aid. Now that being said if there’s something you’re seeing that he would benefit from, such as aba therapy or you think he won’t be independent when grown then chase that diagnosis….I’m a little confused on how the insurance company is getting to dictate if your child has a diagnosis… in my experience it’s the medical doctor that determines criteria and not the insurance. Is the doctor his Primary Care Provider?, Thank you for your responses. He just started seeing a developmental pediatrician. He does currently go to preschool but he has specialized instruction and a SpEd teacher sees him there. The school system has given him an educational label of ASD for an IEP after their observations and we're currently working on getting him to participate in all the activities because his interests are pretty restricted. He can be volatile when made to change activities and he has had major issues in school environments. He's got 1.5 years before Kindergarten so we're really hoping we can get him to do more and adjust better. He also doesn't really cooperate with other children. He'll interact if they have something he wants but he prefers to be by himself. He has had a pronounced social delay since he was a baby and no matter what we've tried he hasn't simply "grown out" of it. I worry he won't be able to make friends but he should be able to work in groups by Kindergarten. Tbh I have no idea what my doctor is talking about specifically and I should probably ask him to break it down for me. I think he probably said something like United Healthcare often denies coverage for therapies and maybe medications if they don't think you have adequate documentation for a disorder. I am probably explaining this part incorrectly because I don't understand it. Dr. says kids like mine don't do well in ABA even if he were to receive the ASD diagnosis medically. So we probably will not do that therapy. However there are private schools my husband and I are looking at should our son still not be able to participate in class properly by Kindergarten. We have a special one in our area for autism, ADHD, and a few other disorders which I have been assuming we would need a diagnosis for. Additionally the public school has been eager to hear about his official diagnosis and I also don't know how that works so idk would that change their opinion on the IEP? They said the exact label won't matter but he might be approached differently if they think he has a different condition., So, I love the forward planning, it may be worth seeing if your child would qualify for Tefra. If the hold up is insurance. Short of that I would encourage you continue to document, and provide the information to the doctor…even if the official ASD diagnosis isn’t provided at this time he should be able to qualify for unspecified disorder of psychological development (typically that’s the diagnosis a lot of children have before an official ASD diagnosis is given) which the school should be able to use…, Regardless of if it’s ASD some of the main treatment plans consist of OT/ST and it might be worth asking for a referral, documentation from said therapy could aid in an ASD diagnosis., It sounds like you mabey need to switch insurance not providers. Insurance is trying to wiggle out of paying for ABA becuase it's expensive,.and insurance is the real issue here. Your provider wants to treat...but likely knows the $40k -60k price tag for aba isn't something you can swing without insurance. I'd be looking into marketplace plans or switching jobs., We go to OT and his therapist believes he is autistic. She filled out a survey to aid in the diagnosis and she was surprised he didn't end up getting diagnosed yet. He doesn't qualify for speech therapy anymore. He was assessed to have advanced verbal skills after going through a period where he didn't really speak but he now doesn't qualify. He has social speech but the majority of he prefers to quietly do his hobbies so he just doesn't speak much because he prefers to play by himself. There's one small area he has very low comprehension with but it doesn't qualify him., Thanks. We actually really hate our insurance for many reasons so we'll be trying to get rid of them. Longest time we'll have to wait is end of this year., Is he experiencing any barriers or issues that are preventing his learning/growth/development? Or to put another way how would the official medical diagnosis assist your child? Not saying that you shouldn’t seek it, but if he’s adjusting at this time without support the label may hold him back more than provide aid. Now that being said if there’s something you’re seeing that he would benefit from, such as aba therapy or you think he won’t be independent when grown then chase that diagnosis….I’m a little confused on how the insurance company is getting to dictate if your child has a diagnosis… in my experience it’s the medical doctor that determines criteria and not the insurance. Is the doctor his Primary Care Provider?, Thank you for your responses. He just started seeing a developmental pediatrician. He does currently go to preschool but he has specialized instruction and a SpEd teacher sees him there. The school system has given him an educational label of ASD for an IEP after their observations and we're currently working on getting him to participate in all the activities because his interests are pretty restricted. He can be volatile when made to change activities and he has had major issues in school environments. He's got 1.5 years before Kindergarten so we're really hoping we can get him to do more and adjust better. He also doesn't really cooperate with other children. He'll interact if they have something he wants but he prefers to be by himself. He has had a pronounced social delay since he was a baby and no matter what we've tried he hasn't simply "grown out" of it. I worry he won't be able to make friends but he should be able to work in groups by Kindergarten. Tbh I have no idea what my doctor is talking about specifically and I should probably ask him to break it down for me. I think he probably said something like United Healthcare often denies coverage for therapies and maybe medications if they don't think you have adequate documentation for a disorder. I am probably explaining this part incorrectly because I don't understand it. Dr. says kids like mine don't do well in ABA even if he were to receive the ASD diagnosis medically. So we probably will not do that therapy. However there are private schools my husband and I are looking at should our son still not be able to participate in class properly by Kindergarten. We have a special one in our area for autism, ADHD, and a few other disorders which I have been assuming we would need a diagnosis for. Additionally the public school has been eager to hear about his official diagnosis and I also don't know how that works so idk would that change their opinion on the IEP? They said the exact label won't matter but he might be approached differently if they think he has a different condition., So, I love the forward planning, it may be worth seeing if your child would qualify for Tefra. If the hold up is insurance. Short of that I would encourage you continue to document, and provide the information to the doctor…even if the official ASD diagnosis isn’t provided at this time he should be able to qualify for unspecified disorder of psychological development (typically that’s the diagnosis a lot of children have before an official ASD diagnosis is given) which the school should be able to use…

How did the first haircut go for your kids?

My 4 year old needs to trim her hair badly. It gets super tangled easily. But she hates it when I touch her hair, and doesn’t really like strangers touching her at all. I’m to scared I’ll mess it up if I do it myself. Anyone else been in this situation and how did it go?

The first one was... Ok. Not great, but could be worse. My son was just barely 4 with shoulder length hair and he hated washing/brushing it so we asked and he said he wanted it shorter. He was pretty squirmy. He hates people touching anywhere near his neck. He would NOT let them use the clippers at all, so it was scissors only. The hairdresser, God bless her, did her best to get through it quickly and efficiently. In the end, it was not the neatest haircut ever, but it was good enough under the circumstances and there was no crying or meltdowns. Just some whining and a bunch of squirming and flinching. He is 6 now and just had a haircut a month ago and we let him have my phone to watch a video on while he was getting his haircut and that distraction seemed to help a lot. Way less flinching. He actually let them use the clippers. Much easier. So you know your kid, but my suggestion is give them something they can hold/play with or something to distract them. And make sure to talk about it the night before and explain what's going to happen and what they're going to do. (If they like sesame Street, there's actually a Sesame Street episode about a girl with autism going to get her first haircut and everyone going over what to expect with her. My son really enjoyed that), First haircut went fine (mine was around 1) but now at 3.5 it is harder and we usually go to Snipits which gives stylists a little more training on giving autistic kids haircuts., Haircuts were awful. My son was afraid and always screamed his head off. We even got told not to come back to one place, assholes. :/ What we ended up doing is just showing his favorite YouTube videos to him while he gets the haircut. Oh, and make sure the stylist knows to not ever use the water bottle; he really doesn't like that for some reason. These days he's completely fine though and even gets a little excited, saying he likes it. He hasn't even needed YouTube the last 2 times. So there's hope!, I have to restrain my son. He screams, bites and claws at me and the hairdresser. Thankfully she’s an absolute child hair cutting savant and somehow manages to do a perfect job whilst the lad does everything in his power to stop her!, Not great. We waited as long as we could (2.5 years) - he was hysterical the whole time even just with scissors. He's 6 now and even tolerates a buzzer - sometimes he gets a little upset but no melt downs. We all learned how to handle haircuts a bit better over time. We found a hair dresser in a kid salon that has experience with autistic kids., The Saloon owner understood our situation and got us a remote controlled car and turned it into a seat. My son was around 2 by then and he had good fun and he was willing to go again., It can be tough in the moment. But shorter hair is so much easier to take care of that it is always worth it. The act of getting the cut is tough; ten minutes after everything is fine and in fact better., I am a hairstylist myself so my husband just has to kinda hold our daughter down for her yearly haircuts. They’re still messed up though lol., Interestingly, my daughter (who has always had a very sensitive scalp and hates it when I brush her hair) sat very still for the stylist. I think she was 5. My son at age 3 had to have his hair cut because his sister took it upon herself to try to cut his bangs herself and butchered it. 🤦‍♀️ Initially we trimmed it ourselves and he was somehow *very* still for it. Later my husband took him to the barber and he was incredibly still for the barber as well, and has been every time (not a reaction I would have pictured because he usually can’t sit still to save his life!). So you never know! They may have an unexpectedly compliant reaction, they might not. Worst you can do is try at a children’s salon and see how it goes. Maybe prep her with social stories and work on what to expect?, Horrible. Had to do it in her sleep. Lol., I found a hair salon that was primarily for kids in our area, it was a little more pricey, but a more secure experience the first haircut we did a trim, and then that gave her the confidence to change length next time but I will say, we waited until she decided she was ready so that influenced the experience., After a few bad experiences we started doing it ourselves for awhile during Covid. Then we decided to brave it again about 18 months ago. Randomly tried a new place that’s run by some Middle Eastern guys barely a lick of English between. One older guy there most have some experience with kids with autism because he’s a god send. He always tries the hair drier on our son’s hand first before using it. Doesn’t use clippers, slow and steady with the scissors. Just has a really soft way about him in general. Now haircuts are no problem. We let everyone in a 40 mile radius with kids on the spectrum about their place. Think we’ve sent a lot of business his way :), My sister is a hairdresser so she comes to our house to cut his hair. The first few times were rough. But we worked hard on it. Last time I put on a movie (Moana, he loves the music) I gave him his favorite snacks and told him he could have a cupcake (his favorite treat) when his Auntie was all done. Every once in a while he’d stop us and ask “it’s time for cupcakes now?” And I’d tell him “almost, a few more minutes” and it was enough to get him through. So I think lots of positive reinforcement, lots of patience and breaks and some sort of reward all helped us in the end!, I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner for daily brushing and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, Haircuts are a nightmare for my 2 year old. He has a bob with bangs at the moment (it’s called okappa haircut) and whenever I have to cut his bangs, I immobilize his head in between my thighs and I carefully cut it. I wish I could grow his bangs but Asian hair is not that easy to handle and once it grows in a direction, it’s really hard to part it on the side. PS: currently trying to get him used to having his hair touched by always caressing his head. PS2: it doesn’t work., It used to be okay, now at 5 impossible pretty much. He’s got a wicked hair helmet on… Dunno how it’s gonna go away. Big big tantrums. 🙁, I cut my daughters hair bc i know shed hate goi to a salon. Im not a professional. Its not hard to do though. Theres home diys that make it easy, My daughter loved it at the hairdressers. I gave her first trim at home. She didn't even realise because I gave her free rein of netflix and disney on the tv. She thought I was just brushing the knots out 🤣🤣 My son on the other hand we had to restrain for 2yrs untill we realised that if his sister got hers done immediately next to him at the same time he was ok., Fine. We go see a special hairdresser that’s very inclusive. She chases him around hahah, Gorgeous hair! My daughters is like this, but it’s a real bitch to brush. No advice, just solidarity., My wife cuts my daughter's hair and my daughter is pretty good about it. I think when my daughter got her hair cut the first time ever my wife tried distracting her with a cartoon or something on her phone. My daughter is 5 now. My wife is also a hair stylist. She tells me all of the time whenever she cuts the hair of any kids with autism because we just like to kind of compare notes with the parents that she is cutting the kids hair for. I think for the more difficult kids she will try to do what she can, but as far as I know she always gets some amount of hair cut (even if it's not fully what was expected due to the children not being cooperative)., I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, I tried to give my kids hair cuts during Covid… I was SO GLAD they didn’t have to be in public for a while 😬😬😬. My daughter got used to it but we went to a salon where they put her in a room by herself so the stimulation and strangers were minimized. The first two times were a bit rough but the stylist was a gem and took her time so my daughter was comfortable. Nowadays some places advertise cuts for kids with hair cut and/or ND issues. If she hates strangers touching her hair I’d start with looking for a salon with a room like that and a stylist who is understanding towards these hang ups and issues. If you want to try to do it, I would suggest buying a few of those wigs or styling dolls for kids and you can practice with those and some instructional videos, first, to help you feel more confident about your skill. If you try it yourself or go to a salon, I wish you luck either way!, The first few when my son was younger actually went fine but as he's gotten older it's so hard. He's 6. i used to just buzz it off when it started getting long and he just struggles with the sound of the clippers and freaks when you try to use scissors. He keeps his shoulders up to his ears tense the entire time. Attempted a salon to get him more of a styled haircut before he stayed kindergarten and it didn't look the worste but wasn't great either. (Not her fault she did her best lol) so I decided to just do it myself quaint this time and actually cut it yest. I've tried new methods. Letting him play his tablet on switch while I cut it. He can't concentrate cuz he's freaking out so bad about the haircut. Tried letting him hold the clippers and turn them on and off and get familier with him before the haircut. I walk him thru the steps to prepare him. Not sure what else to do at this point tho., I cut my sons hair short when he was overwhelmed with bathtime. Sat him in front of TV and got it done. Now he has long hair and no sensory issues though. But I just trim all my kids hair or give proper cuts. They're not perfect but I'm not upsetting them with a salon., Sesame Street has an episode where the autistic character, Julia I think , goes in for a hair cut and all of the details are talked through first. It might help her to watch it and see how it is ok and you can take the same steps as the show to keep her expectations on the level., Ok lots of squirming! One thing I learned take him to shower ASAP bc he can't handle hairs on his neck, Never had an issue with it- he actually asked for a haircut recently. From reading the other comments I guess we’re lucky., I cut my son's hair myself and he flinched and shrieked the whole time. I cut it myself until he was doing well with it, but the first salon visit was a disaster. He kept trying to hit and kick the poor stylist. I think he was about 3? Maybe 4? He did better after that, but I'm back to just cutting it myself now. My daughter is only semi-verbal, so I just cut hers while she's sitting down playing. She gets curious about what I'm doing and turns to look, but that's it. I just take my time and try to make it as even as possible since she has straight hair., First haircut? Perfect. A breeze. And ever since then it went downhill. We now go to a personal stylist that does my hair and runs her own private business. She always books him for the end of her day and so she can take her time and we focus more on a general functional short haircut and don’t get hung up on the little details. She has been great and made haircuts a more doable thing for everyone involved., My husband has to hold my son while I attempt to cut his hair. I even bought special quiet clippers but he still doesn't like it. Fortunately his hair is curly so it's less obvious if I do a bad job., Awful, just awful. Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear. It was so bad we gave up for 2 years and let his hair grow out. But it’s gotten a LOT better since then. I found a good hairdresser that worked with kids on the spectrum, then I had a “talk” with my son about what he didn’t like, and we found ways around them. Now we have “the rules of hair cutting”: 1. No water on his head, you must spray it into your hands first and then run your hands through his hair. 2. No buzzers, scissors only. 3. YouTube during the haircut. We’re going on 4 years since developing the “rules”, but it’s worked out almost every time. Also, finding a hairdresser willing to do this is worth the time and effort, my son’s hairdresser is a saint., My daughter absolutely hates anyone touching her hair, let alone being forced to sit in a chair in a new environment... so even though I was nervous, I taught myself a super fast/easy way to cut her hair, and I do it myself. She has a ton of hair, and it tangles so bad, so I cut it short. It's the easiest cut ever: a bob/a-line! All you do is pull it back like you're going to do a low-pony tail, and then you cut the hair straight across while it's in the low pony tail (I just hold it in low pony position because she hates hair ties). It's trimmed in like 4-5 snips. Slightly longer in the front, shorter in the back. Then I touch it up after she's been playing for a bit, in case I missed any pieces. Here's what it looks like! https://preview.redd.it/7p7ds82aqxnc1.jpeg?width=1816&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a130df13d0ca9296166ed143720938b108f6bc0f, My son (6yo) is now in his Roman centurion era. That’s how it’s going. Lol. It was getting too long and the only people that are able to cut his hair always cut it too short so he ends up looking like a short-bristle brush in a week. So I decided to try my hand at it. Apparently, I was too obsessed with making the bangs even and they are now way too short. I just keep reminding myself that it will grow back. 🤷🏻‍♀️, Not good. I did the first couple. Cried the whole time. He's a boy so I just did buzzcuts to get it done quicker. Eventually we did a place that offered "sensory cuts". Turned out it really wasn't much different than a regular haircut, except she knew what to expect from our kiddo. Well. I had him in my lap and he cried and wiggled and whined the whole time. But, she did it much quicker than I could so I figured id stick with that. Well, he just got his 4th haircut there a few weeks ago. It's gotten better each time and the latest time I still had him in my lap, but there was maybe one very light whimper. Stayed pretty still, no crying, went very very well compared to how it started., We bought a nearly silent electric hair clippers and just clip our son's hair when he's asleep. Usually takes multiple nights to finish without waking him up. Works for us and no meltdowns., I avoided cutting my daughter's hair for so long that she did it for me. Her dad fell asleep on the couch and she cut 3in off. I evened it out, and it turned out pretty good. I've trimmed it myself a few times now. She's 5.5 and has never had a professional cut. My son got his first (and only) haircut a couple months ago and it was ok. He was anxious and had a hard time sitting still, but they were super patient., Mine is just 5 and actually loves going, she turns into this weird unheard of still child for 20 minutes. I guess part of it is anxiety but part of it is because the schema for “go to the hairdresser” is she gets something from their bowl of sweets at the end, and she’ll do pretty much anything for sugar. I think she enjoys self care things like hair and nails and sees them separate from other touch funnily. She has always been VERY noise sensitive so we go to a very quiet salon in our village where there’s no one else blow drying, so she doesn’t get overstimulated. She did have a meltdown over every hair wash but suddenly in the last 2-3 months it’s almost completely gone which I never ever thought would happen. She hates it going in her ears though. Before we just got it dry cut to start with but now she gets it washed which is phenomenal as it saves us doing it! Her hair is like your daughters but 4x thicker somehow, like a dog with a double coat., I don’t know - my lg is 4 too and to date it’s a hard no. I’ve known the hairdresser for years and she comes to our house so it’s a familiar environment. My eldest (6) loves having a trim and gets foils put in her hair (no colour, obvs) so she can look like mummy. Even with her encouragement, it’s a NO. Luckily, she has the most beautiful soft curl to her hair, which goes a long way to hiding her straggly ends. She doesn’t like having her hair brushed or done at all, but in the past six months she’s got more into princesses and girly things, so she’ll put up with it if she’s in the mood for ‘pretty hair’. I’m starting she may let me trim it if I get her at the right moment. I cut my husband’s hair after learning in lockdown but no clue with long hair. Might have to ask my hairdresser for some tips!, My daughter did fine the first time, now the places near us won’t see her because it’s a risk being near her with sharp objects. So we are stuck with at home hack jobs til I can find what works. But she is extremely sensitive about anyone including us touching, brushing, styling, or washing her hair as well., Multiple people hold him down and do it as fast as possible. He screams squirms and cries a fair amount., About as good as it can get with a toddler. You could try to find someone who has experience with this situation., I have a boy so haircuts are quite different but it 100% depends on the day. I prefer going to the kids place that has TV’s above each chair so he be distracted by cartoons, if not I’ll bring a tablet but the TV is better so nobody has to hold it. The first time I was absolutely amazed at how well he did at 2 years old, he’s also had a big meltdown we had to hold his hands down for a minute and the barber had to stop. 9/10 he’s okay, but occasionally he’s not in the mood and needs breaks. Hopefully since there won’t be loud clippers touching her head it will be less overwhelming for her 🩷🙏🏼, I personally don’t like when others move my hair, because of how it feels on my head. I cut my own hair now (tried that as a kid too but have gotten considerably better, haha). Part of my cutting my hair is putting a section in a hair tie and cutting below that tie. Maybe you can incorporate something like that, where she can hold the portion above the tie in her hands, so that the “head feeling” only is her own hands?, I did it myself in the shower with her, My son will be 4 in a week. He's never had a haircut. He hates anyone touching his face or head. He lets me brush his hair and put it in a pony tail most days. Idk what else to do with it.I'vee asked if he wants his hair long or if he wants to cut it, and he always says long, so for now it will stay long. Good luck with your little girl!, It was not easy. I was putting Peppa Pig on the smartphone while the hair dresser was trying to cut the hair and my son, 2.5 yo at that time, was moving all the time. It was much easier when we did it ourselves and cut his hair at home while he was watching Peppa Pig as he's used to on Sunday morning., Look up hair cut social stories on YouTube. That has helped both my kids. We went with the expectation of checking it out and if it didn’t happen we’d try another time. That helped a lot. We watched a show while getting a cut and got a Lolipop after. It also helped my kids to watch their dad get one done before them. My kids are 2 and 4 and we’ve had a few good haircuts and a few times we walked in and walked back out. Just keep it relaxed., My kid's first wasn't great - we were in a rush and needed it cut for a wedding and didn't do a lot of research. Subsequent haircuts have been MUCH better. Through a facebook local mom group I found a great woman who only has one kid in the salon at a time and is really patient. I'm lucky in that my kid will deal with that. I'd recommend not going to a huge place that's full of kids and screaming and noise. There's a british kids youtube channel called Boey Bear where they show with a bear puppet how the haircut goes and my guy loved watching that. Might have helped? Best of luck!, Not all heroes wear capes! Sounds like a total gem., My daughter is exactly the same! So weird isn’t it., I do finger nail clipping in his sleep, PS I found out that a lot of Autists hate hair for various reasons and in various ways. My daughter (10) liked doing silly hairstyles for school but otherwise hated anything we did to her hair because it hurt. No matter how lightly I went. About 2 years ago i got fed up with my hair and chopped it super short, and I let her cut it short as well; she was muuuch happier. So am I but I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my hair for similar ND reasons… Last year and this year she did a Karen hairstyle, super short in the back and above the chin in the front. Her mental health and stress has improved considerably, especially in the mornings before school, since we let her cut it super short and replaced her earmuffs with Loops earplugs. With what you’ve described, short hair might help a lot. And you can go longer between cuts. Earplugs might help with the haircut as well if she has any sound sensitivities… Just an afterthought I wanted to share, which really helped us all., Also suggest always changing clothes and washing the old ones, because the hairs can stick to the fabric and be a nightmare!, Me too, The first one was... Ok. Not great, but could be worse. My son was just barely 4 with shoulder length hair and he hated washing/brushing it so we asked and he said he wanted it shorter. He was pretty squirmy. He hates people touching anywhere near his neck. He would NOT let them use the clippers at all, so it was scissors only. The hairdresser, God bless her, did her best to get through it quickly and efficiently. In the end, it was not the neatest haircut ever, but it was good enough under the circumstances and there was no crying or meltdowns. Just some whining and a bunch of squirming and flinching. He is 6 now and just had a haircut a month ago and we let him have my phone to watch a video on while he was getting his haircut and that distraction seemed to help a lot. Way less flinching. He actually let them use the clippers. Much easier. So you know your kid, but my suggestion is give them something they can hold/play with or something to distract them. And make sure to talk about it the night before and explain what's going to happen and what they're going to do. (If they like sesame Street, there's actually a Sesame Street episode about a girl with autism going to get her first haircut and everyone going over what to expect with her. My son really enjoyed that), First haircut went fine (mine was around 1) but now at 3.5 it is harder and we usually go to Snipits which gives stylists a little more training on giving autistic kids haircuts., Haircuts were awful. My son was afraid and always screamed his head off. We even got told not to come back to one place, assholes. :/ What we ended up doing is just showing his favorite YouTube videos to him while he gets the haircut. Oh, and make sure the stylist knows to not ever use the water bottle; he really doesn't like that for some reason. These days he's completely fine though and even gets a little excited, saying he likes it. He hasn't even needed YouTube the last 2 times. So there's hope!, I have to restrain my son. He screams, bites and claws at me and the hairdresser. Thankfully she’s an absolute child hair cutting savant and somehow manages to do a perfect job whilst the lad does everything in his power to stop her!, Not great. We waited as long as we could (2.5 years) - he was hysterical the whole time even just with scissors. He's 6 now and even tolerates a buzzer - sometimes he gets a little upset but no melt downs. We all learned how to handle haircuts a bit better over time. We found a hair dresser in a kid salon that has experience with autistic kids., The Saloon owner understood our situation and got us a remote controlled car and turned it into a seat. My son was around 2 by then and he had good fun and he was willing to go again., It can be tough in the moment. But shorter hair is so much easier to take care of that it is always worth it. The act of getting the cut is tough; ten minutes after everything is fine and in fact better., I am a hairstylist myself so my husband just has to kinda hold our daughter down for her yearly haircuts. They’re still messed up though lol., Interestingly, my daughter (who has always had a very sensitive scalp and hates it when I brush her hair) sat very still for the stylist. I think she was 5. My son at age 3 had to have his hair cut because his sister took it upon herself to try to cut his bangs herself and butchered it. 🤦‍♀️ Initially we trimmed it ourselves and he was somehow *very* still for it. Later my husband took him to the barber and he was incredibly still for the barber as well, and has been every time (not a reaction I would have pictured because he usually can’t sit still to save his life!). So you never know! They may have an unexpectedly compliant reaction, they might not. Worst you can do is try at a children’s salon and see how it goes. Maybe prep her with social stories and work on what to expect?, Horrible. Had to do it in her sleep. Lol., I found a hair salon that was primarily for kids in our area, it was a little more pricey, but a more secure experience the first haircut we did a trim, and then that gave her the confidence to change length next time but I will say, we waited until she decided she was ready so that influenced the experience., After a few bad experiences we started doing it ourselves for awhile during Covid. Then we decided to brave it again about 18 months ago. Randomly tried a new place that’s run by some Middle Eastern guys barely a lick of English between. One older guy there most have some experience with kids with autism because he’s a god send. He always tries the hair drier on our son’s hand first before using it. Doesn’t use clippers, slow and steady with the scissors. Just has a really soft way about him in general. Now haircuts are no problem. We let everyone in a 40 mile radius with kids on the spectrum about their place. Think we’ve sent a lot of business his way :), My sister is a hairdresser so she comes to our house to cut his hair. The first few times were rough. But we worked hard on it. Last time I put on a movie (Moana, he loves the music) I gave him his favorite snacks and told him he could have a cupcake (his favorite treat) when his Auntie was all done. Every once in a while he’d stop us and ask “it’s time for cupcakes now?” And I’d tell him “almost, a few more minutes” and it was enough to get him through. So I think lots of positive reinforcement, lots of patience and breaks and some sort of reward all helped us in the end!, I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner for daily brushing and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, Haircuts are a nightmare for my 2 year old. He has a bob with bangs at the moment (it’s called okappa haircut) and whenever I have to cut his bangs, I immobilize his head in between my thighs and I carefully cut it. I wish I could grow his bangs but Asian hair is not that easy to handle and once it grows in a direction, it’s really hard to part it on the side. PS: currently trying to get him used to having his hair touched by always caressing his head. PS2: it doesn’t work., It used to be okay, now at 5 impossible pretty much. He’s got a wicked hair helmet on… Dunno how it’s gonna go away. Big big tantrums. 🙁, I cut my daughters hair bc i know shed hate goi to a salon. Im not a professional. Its not hard to do though. Theres home diys that make it easy, My daughter loved it at the hairdressers. I gave her first trim at home. She didn't even realise because I gave her free rein of netflix and disney on the tv. She thought I was just brushing the knots out 🤣🤣 My son on the other hand we had to restrain for 2yrs untill we realised that if his sister got hers done immediately next to him at the same time he was ok., Fine. We go see a special hairdresser that’s very inclusive. She chases him around hahah, Gorgeous hair! My daughters is like this, but it’s a real bitch to brush. No advice, just solidarity., My wife cuts my daughter's hair and my daughter is pretty good about it. I think when my daughter got her hair cut the first time ever my wife tried distracting her with a cartoon or something on her phone. My daughter is 5 now. My wife is also a hair stylist. She tells me all of the time whenever she cuts the hair of any kids with autism because we just like to kind of compare notes with the parents that she is cutting the kids hair for. I think for the more difficult kids she will try to do what she can, but as far as I know she always gets some amount of hair cut (even if it's not fully what was expected due to the children not being cooperative)., I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, I tried to give my kids hair cuts during Covid… I was SO GLAD they didn’t have to be in public for a while 😬😬😬. My daughter got used to it but we went to a salon where they put her in a room by herself so the stimulation and strangers were minimized. The first two times were a bit rough but the stylist was a gem and took her time so my daughter was comfortable. Nowadays some places advertise cuts for kids with hair cut and/or ND issues. If she hates strangers touching her hair I’d start with looking for a salon with a room like that and a stylist who is understanding towards these hang ups and issues. If you want to try to do it, I would suggest buying a few of those wigs or styling dolls for kids and you can practice with those and some instructional videos, first, to help you feel more confident about your skill. If you try it yourself or go to a salon, I wish you luck either way!, The first few when my son was younger actually went fine but as he's gotten older it's so hard. He's 6. i used to just buzz it off when it started getting long and he just struggles with the sound of the clippers and freaks when you try to use scissors. He keeps his shoulders up to his ears tense the entire time. Attempted a salon to get him more of a styled haircut before he stayed kindergarten and it didn't look the worste but wasn't great either. (Not her fault she did her best lol) so I decided to just do it myself quaint this time and actually cut it yest. I've tried new methods. Letting him play his tablet on switch while I cut it. He can't concentrate cuz he's freaking out so bad about the haircut. Tried letting him hold the clippers and turn them on and off and get familier with him before the haircut. I walk him thru the steps to prepare him. Not sure what else to do at this point tho., I cut my sons hair short when he was overwhelmed with bathtime. Sat him in front of TV and got it done. Now he has long hair and no sensory issues though. But I just trim all my kids hair or give proper cuts. They're not perfect but I'm not upsetting them with a salon., Sesame Street has an episode where the autistic character, Julia I think , goes in for a hair cut and all of the details are talked through first. It might help her to watch it and see how it is ok and you can take the same steps as the show to keep her expectations on the level., Ok lots of squirming! One thing I learned take him to shower ASAP bc he can't handle hairs on his neck, Never had an issue with it- he actually asked for a haircut recently. From reading the other comments I guess we’re lucky., I cut my son's hair myself and he flinched and shrieked the whole time. I cut it myself until he was doing well with it, but the first salon visit was a disaster. He kept trying to hit and kick the poor stylist. I think he was about 3? Maybe 4? He did better after that, but I'm back to just cutting it myself now. My daughter is only semi-verbal, so I just cut hers while she's sitting down playing. She gets curious about what I'm doing and turns to look, but that's it. I just take my time and try to make it as even as possible since she has straight hair., First haircut? Perfect. A breeze. And ever since then it went downhill. We now go to a personal stylist that does my hair and runs her own private business. She always books him for the end of her day and so she can take her time and we focus more on a general functional short haircut and don’t get hung up on the little details. She has been great and made haircuts a more doable thing for everyone involved., My husband has to hold my son while I attempt to cut his hair. I even bought special quiet clippers but he still doesn't like it. Fortunately his hair is curly so it's less obvious if I do a bad job., Awful, just awful. Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear. It was so bad we gave up for 2 years and let his hair grow out. But it’s gotten a LOT better since then. I found a good hairdresser that worked with kids on the spectrum, then I had a “talk” with my son about what he didn’t like, and we found ways around them. Now we have “the rules of hair cutting”: 1. No water on his head, you must spray it into your hands first and then run your hands through his hair. 2. No buzzers, scissors only. 3. YouTube during the haircut. We’re going on 4 years since developing the “rules”, but it’s worked out almost every time. Also, finding a hairdresser willing to do this is worth the time and effort, my son’s hairdresser is a saint., My daughter absolutely hates anyone touching her hair, let alone being forced to sit in a chair in a new environment... so even though I was nervous, I taught myself a super fast/easy way to cut her hair, and I do it myself. She has a ton of hair, and it tangles so bad, so I cut it short. It's the easiest cut ever: a bob/a-line! All you do is pull it back like you're going to do a low-pony tail, and then you cut the hair straight across while it's in the low pony tail (I just hold it in low pony position because she hates hair ties). It's trimmed in like 4-5 snips. Slightly longer in the front, shorter in the back. Then I touch it up after she's been playing for a bit, in case I missed any pieces. Here's what it looks like! https://preview.redd.it/7p7ds82aqxnc1.jpeg?width=1816&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a130df13d0ca9296166ed143720938b108f6bc0f, My son (6yo) is now in his Roman centurion era. That’s how it’s going. Lol. It was getting too long and the only people that are able to cut his hair always cut it too short so he ends up looking like a short-bristle brush in a week. So I decided to try my hand at it. Apparently, I was too obsessed with making the bangs even and they are now way too short. I just keep reminding myself that it will grow back. 🤷🏻‍♀️, Not good. I did the first couple. Cried the whole time. He's a boy so I just did buzzcuts to get it done quicker. Eventually we did a place that offered "sensory cuts". Turned out it really wasn't much different than a regular haircut, except she knew what to expect from our kiddo. Well. I had him in my lap and he cried and wiggled and whined the whole time. But, she did it much quicker than I could so I figured id stick with that. Well, he just got his 4th haircut there a few weeks ago. It's gotten better each time and the latest time I still had him in my lap, but there was maybe one very light whimper. Stayed pretty still, no crying, went very very well compared to how it started., We bought a nearly silent electric hair clippers and just clip our son's hair when he's asleep. Usually takes multiple nights to finish without waking him up. Works for us and no meltdowns., I avoided cutting my daughter's hair for so long that she did it for me. Her dad fell asleep on the couch and she cut 3in off. I evened it out, and it turned out pretty good. I've trimmed it myself a few times now. She's 5.5 and has never had a professional cut. My son got his first (and only) haircut a couple months ago and it was ok. He was anxious and had a hard time sitting still, but they were super patient., Mine is just 5 and actually loves going, she turns into this weird unheard of still child for 20 minutes. I guess part of it is anxiety but part of it is because the schema for “go to the hairdresser” is she gets something from their bowl of sweets at the end, and she’ll do pretty much anything for sugar. I think she enjoys self care things like hair and nails and sees them separate from other touch funnily. She has always been VERY noise sensitive so we go to a very quiet salon in our village where there’s no one else blow drying, so she doesn’t get overstimulated. She did have a meltdown over every hair wash but suddenly in the last 2-3 months it’s almost completely gone which I never ever thought would happen. She hates it going in her ears though. Before we just got it dry cut to start with but now she gets it washed which is phenomenal as it saves us doing it! Her hair is like your daughters but 4x thicker somehow, like a dog with a double coat., I don’t know - my lg is 4 too and to date it’s a hard no. I’ve known the hairdresser for years and she comes to our house so it’s a familiar environment. My eldest (6) loves having a trim and gets foils put in her hair (no colour, obvs) so she can look like mummy. Even with her encouragement, it’s a NO. Luckily, she has the most beautiful soft curl to her hair, which goes a long way to hiding her straggly ends. She doesn’t like having her hair brushed or done at all, but in the past six months she’s got more into princesses and girly things, so she’ll put up with it if she’s in the mood for ‘pretty hair’. I’m starting she may let me trim it if I get her at the right moment. I cut my husband’s hair after learning in lockdown but no clue with long hair. Might have to ask my hairdresser for some tips!, My daughter did fine the first time, now the places near us won’t see her because it’s a risk being near her with sharp objects. So we are stuck with at home hack jobs til I can find what works. But she is extremely sensitive about anyone including us touching, brushing, styling, or washing her hair as well., Multiple people hold him down and do it as fast as possible. He screams squirms and cries a fair amount., About as good as it can get with a toddler. You could try to find someone who has experience with this situation., I have a boy so haircuts are quite different but it 100% depends on the day. I prefer going to the kids place that has TV’s above each chair so he be distracted by cartoons, if not I’ll bring a tablet but the TV is better so nobody has to hold it. The first time I was absolutely amazed at how well he did at 2 years old, he’s also had a big meltdown we had to hold his hands down for a minute and the barber had to stop. 9/10 he’s okay, but occasionally he’s not in the mood and needs breaks. Hopefully since there won’t be loud clippers touching her head it will be less overwhelming for her 🩷🙏🏼, I personally don’t like when others move my hair, because of how it feels on my head. I cut my own hair now (tried that as a kid too but have gotten considerably better, haha). Part of my cutting my hair is putting a section in a hair tie and cutting below that tie. Maybe you can incorporate something like that, where she can hold the portion above the tie in her hands, so that the “head feeling” only is her own hands?, I did it myself in the shower with her, My son will be 4 in a week. He's never had a haircut. He hates anyone touching his face or head. He lets me brush his hair and put it in a pony tail most days. Idk what else to do with it.I'vee asked if he wants his hair long or if he wants to cut it, and he always says long, so for now it will stay long. Good luck with your little girl!, It was not easy. I was putting Peppa Pig on the smartphone while the hair dresser was trying to cut the hair and my son, 2.5 yo at that time, was moving all the time. It was much easier when we did it ourselves and cut his hair at home while he was watching Peppa Pig as he's used to on Sunday morning., Look up hair cut social stories on YouTube. That has helped both my kids. We went with the expectation of checking it out and if it didn’t happen we’d try another time. That helped a lot. We watched a show while getting a cut and got a Lolipop after. It also helped my kids to watch their dad get one done before them. My kids are 2 and 4 and we’ve had a few good haircuts and a few times we walked in and walked back out. Just keep it relaxed., My kid's first wasn't great - we were in a rush and needed it cut for a wedding and didn't do a lot of research. Subsequent haircuts have been MUCH better. Through a facebook local mom group I found a great woman who only has one kid in the salon at a time and is really patient. I'm lucky in that my kid will deal with that. I'd recommend not going to a huge place that's full of kids and screaming and noise. There's a british kids youtube channel called Boey Bear where they show with a bear puppet how the haircut goes and my guy loved watching that. Might have helped? Best of luck!, Not all heroes wear capes! Sounds like a total gem., My daughter is exactly the same! So weird isn’t it., I do finger nail clipping in his sleep, PS I found out that a lot of Autists hate hair for various reasons and in various ways. My daughter (10) liked doing silly hairstyles for school but otherwise hated anything we did to her hair because it hurt. No matter how lightly I went. About 2 years ago i got fed up with my hair and chopped it super short, and I let her cut it short as well; she was muuuch happier. So am I but I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my hair for similar ND reasons… Last year and this year she did a Karen hairstyle, super short in the back and above the chin in the front. Her mental health and stress has improved considerably, especially in the mornings before school, since we let her cut it super short and replaced her earmuffs with Loops earplugs. With what you’ve described, short hair might help a lot. And you can go longer between cuts. Earplugs might help with the haircut as well if she has any sound sensitivities… Just an afterthought I wanted to share, which really helped us all., Also suggest always changing clothes and washing the old ones, because the hairs can stick to the fabric and be a nightmare!, Me too, The first one was... Ok. Not great, but could be worse. My son was just barely 4 with shoulder length hair and he hated washing/brushing it so we asked and he said he wanted it shorter. He was pretty squirmy. He hates people touching anywhere near his neck. He would NOT let them use the clippers at all, so it was scissors only. The hairdresser, God bless her, did her best to get through it quickly and efficiently. In the end, it was not the neatest haircut ever, but it was good enough under the circumstances and there was no crying or meltdowns. Just some whining and a bunch of squirming and flinching. He is 6 now and just had a haircut a month ago and we let him have my phone to watch a video on while he was getting his haircut and that distraction seemed to help a lot. Way less flinching. He actually let them use the clippers. Much easier. So you know your kid, but my suggestion is give them something they can hold/play with or something to distract them. And make sure to talk about it the night before and explain what's going to happen and what they're going to do. (If they like sesame Street, there's actually a Sesame Street episode about a girl with autism going to get her first haircut and everyone going over what to expect with her. My son really enjoyed that), First haircut went fine (mine was around 1) but now at 3.5 it is harder and we usually go to Snipits which gives stylists a little more training on giving autistic kids haircuts., Haircuts were awful. My son was afraid and always screamed his head off. We even got told not to come back to one place, assholes. :/ What we ended up doing is just showing his favorite YouTube videos to him while he gets the haircut. Oh, and make sure the stylist knows to not ever use the water bottle; he really doesn't like that for some reason. These days he's completely fine though and even gets a little excited, saying he likes it. He hasn't even needed YouTube the last 2 times. So there's hope!, I have to restrain my son. He screams, bites and claws at me and the hairdresser. Thankfully she’s an absolute child hair cutting savant and somehow manages to do a perfect job whilst the lad does everything in his power to stop her!, Not great. We waited as long as we could (2.5 years) - he was hysterical the whole time even just with scissors. He's 6 now and even tolerates a buzzer - sometimes he gets a little upset but no melt downs. We all learned how to handle haircuts a bit better over time. We found a hair dresser in a kid salon that has experience with autistic kids., The Saloon owner understood our situation and got us a remote controlled car and turned it into a seat. My son was around 2 by then and he had good fun and he was willing to go again., It can be tough in the moment. But shorter hair is so much easier to take care of that it is always worth it. The act of getting the cut is tough; ten minutes after everything is fine and in fact better., I am a hairstylist myself so my husband just has to kinda hold our daughter down for her yearly haircuts. They’re still messed up though lol., Interestingly, my daughter (who has always had a very sensitive scalp and hates it when I brush her hair) sat very still for the stylist. I think she was 5. My son at age 3 had to have his hair cut because his sister took it upon herself to try to cut his bangs herself and butchered it. 🤦‍♀️ Initially we trimmed it ourselves and he was somehow *very* still for it. Later my husband took him to the barber and he was incredibly still for the barber as well, and has been every time (not a reaction I would have pictured because he usually can’t sit still to save his life!). So you never know! They may have an unexpectedly compliant reaction, they might not. Worst you can do is try at a children’s salon and see how it goes. Maybe prep her with social stories and work on what to expect?, Horrible. Had to do it in her sleep. Lol., I found a hair salon that was primarily for kids in our area, it was a little more pricey, but a more secure experience the first haircut we did a trim, and then that gave her the confidence to change length next time but I will say, we waited until she decided she was ready so that influenced the experience., After a few bad experiences we started doing it ourselves for awhile during Covid. Then we decided to brave it again about 18 months ago. Randomly tried a new place that’s run by some Middle Eastern guys barely a lick of English between. One older guy there most have some experience with kids with autism because he’s a god send. He always tries the hair drier on our son’s hand first before using it. Doesn’t use clippers, slow and steady with the scissors. Just has a really soft way about him in general. Now haircuts are no problem. We let everyone in a 40 mile radius with kids on the spectrum about their place. Think we’ve sent a lot of business his way :), My sister is a hairdresser so she comes to our house to cut his hair. The first few times were rough. But we worked hard on it. Last time I put on a movie (Moana, he loves the music) I gave him his favorite snacks and told him he could have a cupcake (his favorite treat) when his Auntie was all done. Every once in a while he’d stop us and ask “it’s time for cupcakes now?” And I’d tell him “almost, a few more minutes” and it was enough to get him through. So I think lots of positive reinforcement, lots of patience and breaks and some sort of reward all helped us in the end!, I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner for daily brushing and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, Haircuts are a nightmare for my 2 year old. He has a bob with bangs at the moment (it’s called okappa haircut) and whenever I have to cut his bangs, I immobilize his head in between my thighs and I carefully cut it. I wish I could grow his bangs but Asian hair is not that easy to handle and once it grows in a direction, it’s really hard to part it on the side. PS: currently trying to get him used to having his hair touched by always caressing his head. PS2: it doesn’t work., It used to be okay, now at 5 impossible pretty much. He’s got a wicked hair helmet on… Dunno how it’s gonna go away. Big big tantrums. 🙁, I cut my daughters hair bc i know shed hate goi to a salon. Im not a professional. Its not hard to do though. Theres home diys that make it easy, My daughter loved it at the hairdressers. I gave her first trim at home. She didn't even realise because I gave her free rein of netflix and disney on the tv. She thought I was just brushing the knots out 🤣🤣 My son on the other hand we had to restrain for 2yrs untill we realised that if his sister got hers done immediately next to him at the same time he was ok., Fine. We go see a special hairdresser that’s very inclusive. She chases him around hahah, Gorgeous hair! My daughters is like this, but it’s a real bitch to brush. No advice, just solidarity., My wife cuts my daughter's hair and my daughter is pretty good about it. I think when my daughter got her hair cut the first time ever my wife tried distracting her with a cartoon or something on her phone. My daughter is 5 now. My wife is also a hair stylist. She tells me all of the time whenever she cuts the hair of any kids with autism because we just like to kind of compare notes with the parents that she is cutting the kids hair for. I think for the more difficult kids she will try to do what she can, but as far as I know she always gets some amount of hair cut (even if it's not fully what was expected due to the children not being cooperative)., I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, I tried to give my kids hair cuts during Covid… I was SO GLAD they didn’t have to be in public for a while 😬😬😬. My daughter got used to it but we went to a salon where they put her in a room by herself so the stimulation and strangers were minimized. The first two times were a bit rough but the stylist was a gem and took her time so my daughter was comfortable. Nowadays some places advertise cuts for kids with hair cut and/or ND issues. If she hates strangers touching her hair I’d start with looking for a salon with a room like that and a stylist who is understanding towards these hang ups and issues. If you want to try to do it, I would suggest buying a few of those wigs or styling dolls for kids and you can practice with those and some instructional videos, first, to help you feel more confident about your skill. If you try it yourself or go to a salon, I wish you luck either way!, The first few when my son was younger actually went fine but as he's gotten older it's so hard. He's 6. i used to just buzz it off when it started getting long and he just struggles with the sound of the clippers and freaks when you try to use scissors. He keeps his shoulders up to his ears tense the entire time. Attempted a salon to get him more of a styled haircut before he stayed kindergarten and it didn't look the worste but wasn't great either. (Not her fault she did her best lol) so I decided to just do it myself quaint this time and actually cut it yest. I've tried new methods. Letting him play his tablet on switch while I cut it. He can't concentrate cuz he's freaking out so bad about the haircut. Tried letting him hold the clippers and turn them on and off and get familier with him before the haircut. I walk him thru the steps to prepare him. Not sure what else to do at this point tho., I cut my sons hair short when he was overwhelmed with bathtime. Sat him in front of TV and got it done. Now he has long hair and no sensory issues though. But I just trim all my kids hair or give proper cuts. They're not perfect but I'm not upsetting them with a salon., Sesame Street has an episode where the autistic character, Julia I think , goes in for a hair cut and all of the details are talked through first. It might help her to watch it and see how it is ok and you can take the same steps as the show to keep her expectations on the level., Ok lots of squirming! One thing I learned take him to shower ASAP bc he can't handle hairs on his neck, Never had an issue with it- he actually asked for a haircut recently. From reading the other comments I guess we’re lucky., I cut my son's hair myself and he flinched and shrieked the whole time. I cut it myself until he was doing well with it, but the first salon visit was a disaster. He kept trying to hit and kick the poor stylist. I think he was about 3? Maybe 4? He did better after that, but I'm back to just cutting it myself now. My daughter is only semi-verbal, so I just cut hers while she's sitting down playing. She gets curious about what I'm doing and turns to look, but that's it. I just take my time and try to make it as even as possible since she has straight hair., First haircut? Perfect. A breeze. And ever since then it went downhill. We now go to a personal stylist that does my hair and runs her own private business. She always books him for the end of her day and so she can take her time and we focus more on a general functional short haircut and don’t get hung up on the little details. She has been great and made haircuts a more doable thing for everyone involved., My husband has to hold my son while I attempt to cut his hair. I even bought special quiet clippers but he still doesn't like it. Fortunately his hair is curly so it's less obvious if I do a bad job., Awful, just awful. Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear. It was so bad we gave up for 2 years and let his hair grow out. But it’s gotten a LOT better since then. I found a good hairdresser that worked with kids on the spectrum, then I had a “talk” with my son about what he didn’t like, and we found ways around them. Now we have “the rules of hair cutting”: 1. No water on his head, you must spray it into your hands first and then run your hands through his hair. 2. No buzzers, scissors only. 3. YouTube during the haircut. We’re going on 4 years since developing the “rules”, but it’s worked out almost every time. Also, finding a hairdresser willing to do this is worth the time and effort, my son’s hairdresser is a saint., My daughter absolutely hates anyone touching her hair, let alone being forced to sit in a chair in a new environment... so even though I was nervous, I taught myself a super fast/easy way to cut her hair, and I do it myself. She has a ton of hair, and it tangles so bad, so I cut it short. It's the easiest cut ever: a bob/a-line! All you do is pull it back like you're going to do a low-pony tail, and then you cut the hair straight across while it's in the low pony tail (I just hold it in low pony position because she hates hair ties). It's trimmed in like 4-5 snips. Slightly longer in the front, shorter in the back. Then I touch it up after she's been playing for a bit, in case I missed any pieces. Here's what it looks like! https://preview.redd.it/7p7ds82aqxnc1.jpeg?width=1816&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a130df13d0ca9296166ed143720938b108f6bc0f, My son (6yo) is now in his Roman centurion era. That’s how it’s going. Lol. It was getting too long and the only people that are able to cut his hair always cut it too short so he ends up looking like a short-bristle brush in a week. So I decided to try my hand at it. Apparently, I was too obsessed with making the bangs even and they are now way too short. I just keep reminding myself that it will grow back. 🤷🏻‍♀️, Not good. I did the first couple. Cried the whole time. He's a boy so I just did buzzcuts to get it done quicker. Eventually we did a place that offered "sensory cuts". Turned out it really wasn't much different than a regular haircut, except she knew what to expect from our kiddo. Well. I had him in my lap and he cried and wiggled and whined the whole time. But, she did it much quicker than I could so I figured id stick with that. Well, he just got his 4th haircut there a few weeks ago. It's gotten better each time and the latest time I still had him in my lap, but there was maybe one very light whimper. Stayed pretty still, no crying, went very very well compared to how it started., We bought a nearly silent electric hair clippers and just clip our son's hair when he's asleep. Usually takes multiple nights to finish without waking him up. Works for us and no meltdowns., I avoided cutting my daughter's hair for so long that she did it for me. Her dad fell asleep on the couch and she cut 3in off. I evened it out, and it turned out pretty good. I've trimmed it myself a few times now. She's 5.5 and has never had a professional cut. My son got his first (and only) haircut a couple months ago and it was ok. He was anxious and had a hard time sitting still, but they were super patient., Mine is just 5 and actually loves going, she turns into this weird unheard of still child for 20 minutes. I guess part of it is anxiety but part of it is because the schema for “go to the hairdresser” is she gets something from their bowl of sweets at the end, and she’ll do pretty much anything for sugar. I think she enjoys self care things like hair and nails and sees them separate from other touch funnily. She has always been VERY noise sensitive so we go to a very quiet salon in our village where there’s no one else blow drying, so she doesn’t get overstimulated. She did have a meltdown over every hair wash but suddenly in the last 2-3 months it’s almost completely gone which I never ever thought would happen. She hates it going in her ears though. Before we just got it dry cut to start with but now she gets it washed which is phenomenal as it saves us doing it! Her hair is like your daughters but 4x thicker somehow, like a dog with a double coat., I don’t know - my lg is 4 too and to date it’s a hard no. I’ve known the hairdresser for years and she comes to our house so it’s a familiar environment. My eldest (6) loves having a trim and gets foils put in her hair (no colour, obvs) so she can look like mummy. Even with her encouragement, it’s a NO. Luckily, she has the most beautiful soft curl to her hair, which goes a long way to hiding her straggly ends. She doesn’t like having her hair brushed or done at all, but in the past six months she’s got more into princesses and girly things, so she’ll put up with it if she’s in the mood for ‘pretty hair’. I’m starting she may let me trim it if I get her at the right moment. I cut my husband’s hair after learning in lockdown but no clue with long hair. Might have to ask my hairdresser for some tips!, My daughter did fine the first time, now the places near us won’t see her because it’s a risk being near her with sharp objects. So we are stuck with at home hack jobs til I can find what works. But she is extremely sensitive about anyone including us touching, brushing, styling, or washing her hair as well., Multiple people hold him down and do it as fast as possible. He screams squirms and cries a fair amount., About as good as it can get with a toddler. You could try to find someone who has experience with this situation., I have a boy so haircuts are quite different but it 100% depends on the day. I prefer going to the kids place that has TV’s above each chair so he be distracted by cartoons, if not I’ll bring a tablet but the TV is better so nobody has to hold it. The first time I was absolutely amazed at how well he did at 2 years old, he’s also had a big meltdown we had to hold his hands down for a minute and the barber had to stop. 9/10 he’s okay, but occasionally he’s not in the mood and needs breaks. Hopefully since there won’t be loud clippers touching her head it will be less overwhelming for her 🩷🙏🏼, I personally don’t like when others move my hair, because of how it feels on my head. I cut my own hair now (tried that as a kid too but have gotten considerably better, haha). Part of my cutting my hair is putting a section in a hair tie and cutting below that tie. Maybe you can incorporate something like that, where she can hold the portion above the tie in her hands, so that the “head feeling” only is her own hands?, I did it myself in the shower with her, My son will be 4 in a week. He's never had a haircut. He hates anyone touching his face or head. He lets me brush his hair and put it in a pony tail most days. Idk what else to do with it.I'vee asked if he wants his hair long or if he wants to cut it, and he always says long, so for now it will stay long. Good luck with your little girl!, It was not easy. I was putting Peppa Pig on the smartphone while the hair dresser was trying to cut the hair and my son, 2.5 yo at that time, was moving all the time. It was much easier when we did it ourselves and cut his hair at home while he was watching Peppa Pig as he's used to on Sunday morning., Look up hair cut social stories on YouTube. That has helped both my kids. We went with the expectation of checking it out and if it didn’t happen we’d try another time. That helped a lot. We watched a show while getting a cut and got a Lolipop after. It also helped my kids to watch their dad get one done before them. My kids are 2 and 4 and we’ve had a few good haircuts and a few times we walked in and walked back out. Just keep it relaxed., My kid's first wasn't great - we were in a rush and needed it cut for a wedding and didn't do a lot of research. Subsequent haircuts have been MUCH better. Through a facebook local mom group I found a great woman who only has one kid in the salon at a time and is really patient. I'm lucky in that my kid will deal with that. I'd recommend not going to a huge place that's full of kids and screaming and noise. There's a british kids youtube channel called Boey Bear where they show with a bear puppet how the haircut goes and my guy loved watching that. Might have helped? Best of luck!, Not all heroes wear capes! Sounds like a total gem., My daughter is exactly the same! So weird isn’t it., I do finger nail clipping in his sleep, PS I found out that a lot of Autists hate hair for various reasons and in various ways. My daughter (10) liked doing silly hairstyles for school but otherwise hated anything we did to her hair because it hurt. No matter how lightly I went. About 2 years ago i got fed up with my hair and chopped it super short, and I let her cut it short as well; she was muuuch happier. So am I but I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my hair for similar ND reasons… Last year and this year she did a Karen hairstyle, super short in the back and above the chin in the front. Her mental health and stress has improved considerably, especially in the mornings before school, since we let her cut it super short and replaced her earmuffs with Loops earplugs. With what you’ve described, short hair might help a lot. And you can go longer between cuts. Earplugs might help with the haircut as well if she has any sound sensitivities… Just an afterthought I wanted to share, which really helped us all., Also suggest always changing clothes and washing the old ones, because the hairs can stick to the fabric and be a nightmare!, Me too, The first one was... Ok. Not great, but could be worse. My son was just barely 4 with shoulder length hair and he hated washing/brushing it so we asked and he said he wanted it shorter. He was pretty squirmy. He hates people touching anywhere near his neck. He would NOT let them use the clippers at all, so it was scissors only. The hairdresser, God bless her, did her best to get through it quickly and efficiently. In the end, it was not the neatest haircut ever, but it was good enough under the circumstances and there was no crying or meltdowns. Just some whining and a bunch of squirming and flinching. He is 6 now and just had a haircut a month ago and we let him have my phone to watch a video on while he was getting his haircut and that distraction seemed to help a lot. Way less flinching. He actually let them use the clippers. Much easier. So you know your kid, but my suggestion is give them something they can hold/play with or something to distract them. And make sure to talk about it the night before and explain what's going to happen and what they're going to do. (If they like sesame Street, there's actually a Sesame Street episode about a girl with autism going to get her first haircut and everyone going over what to expect with her. My son really enjoyed that), First haircut went fine (mine was around 1) but now at 3.5 it is harder and we usually go to Snipits which gives stylists a little more training on giving autistic kids haircuts., Haircuts were awful. My son was afraid and always screamed his head off. We even got told not to come back to one place, assholes. :/ What we ended up doing is just showing his favorite YouTube videos to him while he gets the haircut. Oh, and make sure the stylist knows to not ever use the water bottle; he really doesn't like that for some reason. These days he's completely fine though and even gets a little excited, saying he likes it. He hasn't even needed YouTube the last 2 times. So there's hope!, I have to restrain my son. He screams, bites and claws at me and the hairdresser. Thankfully she’s an absolute child hair cutting savant and somehow manages to do a perfect job whilst the lad does everything in his power to stop her!, Not great. We waited as long as we could (2.5 years) - he was hysterical the whole time even just with scissors. He's 6 now and even tolerates a buzzer - sometimes he gets a little upset but no melt downs. We all learned how to handle haircuts a bit better over time. We found a hair dresser in a kid salon that has experience with autistic kids., The Saloon owner understood our situation and got us a remote controlled car and turned it into a seat. My son was around 2 by then and he had good fun and he was willing to go again., It can be tough in the moment. But shorter hair is so much easier to take care of that it is always worth it. The act of getting the cut is tough; ten minutes after everything is fine and in fact better., I am a hairstylist myself so my husband just has to kinda hold our daughter down for her yearly haircuts. They’re still messed up though lol., Interestingly, my daughter (who has always had a very sensitive scalp and hates it when I brush her hair) sat very still for the stylist. I think she was 5. My son at age 3 had to have his hair cut because his sister took it upon herself to try to cut his bangs herself and butchered it. 🤦‍♀️ Initially we trimmed it ourselves and he was somehow *very* still for it. Later my husband took him to the barber and he was incredibly still for the barber as well, and has been every time (not a reaction I would have pictured because he usually can’t sit still to save his life!). So you never know! They may have an unexpectedly compliant reaction, they might not. Worst you can do is try at a children’s salon and see how it goes. Maybe prep her with social stories and work on what to expect?, Horrible. Had to do it in her sleep. Lol., I found a hair salon that was primarily for kids in our area, it was a little more pricey, but a more secure experience the first haircut we did a trim, and then that gave her the confidence to change length next time but I will say, we waited until she decided she was ready so that influenced the experience., After a few bad experiences we started doing it ourselves for awhile during Covid. Then we decided to brave it again about 18 months ago. Randomly tried a new place that’s run by some Middle Eastern guys barely a lick of English between. One older guy there most have some experience with kids with autism because he’s a god send. He always tries the hair drier on our son’s hand first before using it. Doesn’t use clippers, slow and steady with the scissors. Just has a really soft way about him in general. Now haircuts are no problem. We let everyone in a 40 mile radius with kids on the spectrum about their place. Think we’ve sent a lot of business his way :), My sister is a hairdresser so she comes to our house to cut his hair. The first few times were rough. But we worked hard on it. Last time I put on a movie (Moana, he loves the music) I gave him his favorite snacks and told him he could have a cupcake (his favorite treat) when his Auntie was all done. Every once in a while he’d stop us and ask “it’s time for cupcakes now?” And I’d tell him “almost, a few more minutes” and it was enough to get him through. So I think lots of positive reinforcement, lots of patience and breaks and some sort of reward all helped us in the end!, I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner for daily brushing and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, Haircuts are a nightmare for my 2 year old. He has a bob with bangs at the moment (it’s called okappa haircut) and whenever I have to cut his bangs, I immobilize his head in between my thighs and I carefully cut it. I wish I could grow his bangs but Asian hair is not that easy to handle and once it grows in a direction, it’s really hard to part it on the side. PS: currently trying to get him used to having his hair touched by always caressing his head. PS2: it doesn’t work., It used to be okay, now at 5 impossible pretty much. He’s got a wicked hair helmet on… Dunno how it’s gonna go away. Big big tantrums. 🙁, I cut my daughters hair bc i know shed hate goi to a salon. Im not a professional. Its not hard to do though. Theres home diys that make it easy, My daughter loved it at the hairdressers. I gave her first trim at home. She didn't even realise because I gave her free rein of netflix and disney on the tv. She thought I was just brushing the knots out 🤣🤣 My son on the other hand we had to restrain for 2yrs untill we realised that if his sister got hers done immediately next to him at the same time he was ok., Fine. We go see a special hairdresser that’s very inclusive. She chases him around hahah, Gorgeous hair! My daughters is like this, but it’s a real bitch to brush. No advice, just solidarity., My wife cuts my daughter's hair and my daughter is pretty good about it. I think when my daughter got her hair cut the first time ever my wife tried distracting her with a cartoon or something on her phone. My daughter is 5 now. My wife is also a hair stylist. She tells me all of the time whenever she cuts the hair of any kids with autism because we just like to kind of compare notes with the parents that she is cutting the kids hair for. I think for the more difficult kids she will try to do what she can, but as far as I know she always gets some amount of hair cut (even if it's not fully what was expected due to the children not being cooperative)., I'm a salon owner - we have many autistic children and adults come through - it always helps if you tell us before hand so we can maybe offer a quiet time, turn radio off, have tablets, books or fidgets available... we also do house calls if that makes it easier for our customer.... I would definitely suggest asking locally for recommendations of someone with experience... To answer your actual question - my daughter (6) *hates* having her hair touched - I use a hair extension brush (it's super soft) and spray conditioner and only trim when I absolutely have to - she screams non stop, I tried to give my kids hair cuts during Covid… I was SO GLAD they didn’t have to be in public for a while 😬😬😬. My daughter got used to it but we went to a salon where they put her in a room by herself so the stimulation and strangers were minimized. The first two times were a bit rough but the stylist was a gem and took her time so my daughter was comfortable. Nowadays some places advertise cuts for kids with hair cut and/or ND issues. If she hates strangers touching her hair I’d start with looking for a salon with a room like that and a stylist who is understanding towards these hang ups and issues. If you want to try to do it, I would suggest buying a few of those wigs or styling dolls for kids and you can practice with those and some instructional videos, first, to help you feel more confident about your skill. If you try it yourself or go to a salon, I wish you luck either way!, The first few when my son was younger actually went fine but as he's gotten older it's so hard. He's 6. i used to just buzz it off when it started getting long and he just struggles with the sound of the clippers and freaks when you try to use scissors. He keeps his shoulders up to his ears tense the entire time. Attempted a salon to get him more of a styled haircut before he stayed kindergarten and it didn't look the worste but wasn't great either. (Not her fault she did her best lol) so I decided to just do it myself quaint this time and actually cut it yest. I've tried new methods. Letting him play his tablet on switch while I cut it. He can't concentrate cuz he's freaking out so bad about the haircut. Tried letting him hold the clippers and turn them on and off and get familier with him before the haircut. I walk him thru the steps to prepare him. Not sure what else to do at this point tho., I cut my sons hair short when he was overwhelmed with bathtime. Sat him in front of TV and got it done. Now he has long hair and no sensory issues though. But I just trim all my kids hair or give proper cuts. They're not perfect but I'm not upsetting them with a salon., Sesame Street has an episode where the autistic character, Julia I think , goes in for a hair cut and all of the details are talked through first. It might help her to watch it and see how it is ok and you can take the same steps as the show to keep her expectations on the level., Ok lots of squirming! One thing I learned take him to shower ASAP bc he can't handle hairs on his neck, Never had an issue with it- he actually asked for a haircut recently. From reading the other comments I guess we’re lucky., I cut my son's hair myself and he flinched and shrieked the whole time. I cut it myself until he was doing well with it, but the first salon visit was a disaster. He kept trying to hit and kick the poor stylist. I think he was about 3? Maybe 4? He did better after that, but I'm back to just cutting it myself now. My daughter is only semi-verbal, so I just cut hers while she's sitting down playing. She gets curious about what I'm doing and turns to look, but that's it. I just take my time and try to make it as even as possible since she has straight hair., First haircut? Perfect. A breeze. And ever since then it went downhill. We now go to a personal stylist that does my hair and runs her own private business. She always books him for the end of her day and so she can take her time and we focus more on a general functional short haircut and don’t get hung up on the little details. She has been great and made haircuts a more doable thing for everyone involved., My husband has to hold my son while I attempt to cut his hair. I even bought special quiet clippers but he still doesn't like it. Fortunately his hair is curly so it's less obvious if I do a bad job., Awful, just awful. Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear. It was so bad we gave up for 2 years and let his hair grow out. But it’s gotten a LOT better since then. I found a good hairdresser that worked with kids on the spectrum, then I had a “talk” with my son about what he didn’t like, and we found ways around them. Now we have “the rules of hair cutting”: 1. No water on his head, you must spray it into your hands first and then run your hands through his hair. 2. No buzzers, scissors only. 3. YouTube during the haircut. We’re going on 4 years since developing the “rules”, but it’s worked out almost every time. Also, finding a hairdresser willing to do this is worth the time and effort, my son’s hairdresser is a saint., My daughter absolutely hates anyone touching her hair, let alone being forced to sit in a chair in a new environment... so even though I was nervous, I taught myself a super fast/easy way to cut her hair, and I do it myself. She has a ton of hair, and it tangles so bad, so I cut it short. It's the easiest cut ever: a bob/a-line! All you do is pull it back like you're going to do a low-pony tail, and then you cut the hair straight across while it's in the low pony tail (I just hold it in low pony position because she hates hair ties). It's trimmed in like 4-5 snips. Slightly longer in the front, shorter in the back. Then I touch it up after she's been playing for a bit, in case I missed any pieces. Here's what it looks like! https://preview.redd.it/7p7ds82aqxnc1.jpeg?width=1816&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a130df13d0ca9296166ed143720938b108f6bc0f, My son (6yo) is now in his Roman centurion era. That’s how it’s going. Lol. It was getting too long and the only people that are able to cut his hair always cut it too short so he ends up looking like a short-bristle brush in a week. So I decided to try my hand at it. Apparently, I was too obsessed with making the bangs even and they are now way too short. I just keep reminding myself that it will grow back. 🤷🏻‍♀️, Not good. I did the first couple. Cried the whole time. He's a boy so I just did buzzcuts to get it done quicker. Eventually we did a place that offered "sensory cuts". Turned out it really wasn't much different than a regular haircut, except she knew what to expect from our kiddo. Well. I had him in my lap and he cried and wiggled and whined the whole time. But, she did it much quicker than I could so I figured id stick with that. Well, he just got his 4th haircut there a few weeks ago. It's gotten better each time and the latest time I still had him in my lap, but there was maybe one very light whimper. Stayed pretty still, no crying, went very very well compared to how it started., We bought a nearly silent electric hair clippers and just clip our son's hair when he's asleep. Usually takes multiple nights to finish without waking him up. Works for us and no meltdowns., I avoided cutting my daughter's hair for so long that she did it for me. Her dad fell asleep on the couch and she cut 3in off. I evened it out, and it turned out pretty good. I've trimmed it myself a few times now. She's 5.5 and has never had a professional cut. My son got his first (and only) haircut a couple months ago and it was ok. He was anxious and had a hard time sitting still, but they were super patient., Mine is just 5 and actually loves going, she turns into this weird unheard of still child for 20 minutes. I guess part of it is anxiety but part of it is because the schema for “go to the hairdresser” is she gets something from their bowl of sweets at the end, and she’ll do pretty much anything for sugar. I think she enjoys self care things like hair and nails and sees them separate from other touch funnily. She has always been VERY noise sensitive so we go to a very quiet salon in our village where there’s no one else blow drying, so she doesn’t get overstimulated. She did have a meltdown over every hair wash but suddenly in the last 2-3 months it’s almost completely gone which I never ever thought would happen. She hates it going in her ears though. Before we just got it dry cut to start with but now she gets it washed which is phenomenal as it saves us doing it! Her hair is like your daughters but 4x thicker somehow, like a dog with a double coat., I don’t know - my lg is 4 too and to date it’s a hard no. I’ve known the hairdresser for years and she comes to our house so it’s a familiar environment. My eldest (6) loves having a trim and gets foils put in her hair (no colour, obvs) so she can look like mummy. Even with her encouragement, it’s a NO. Luckily, she has the most beautiful soft curl to her hair, which goes a long way to hiding her straggly ends. She doesn’t like having her hair brushed or done at all, but in the past six months she’s got more into princesses and girly things, so she’ll put up with it if she’s in the mood for ‘pretty hair’. I’m starting she may let me trim it if I get her at the right moment. I cut my husband’s hair after learning in lockdown but no clue with long hair. Might have to ask my hairdresser for some tips!, My daughter did fine the first time, now the places near us won’t see her because it’s a risk being near her with sharp objects. So we are stuck with at home hack jobs til I can find what works. But she is extremely sensitive about anyone including us touching, brushing, styling, or washing her hair as well., Multiple people hold him down and do it as fast as possible. He screams squirms and cries a fair amount., About as good as it can get with a toddler. You could try to find someone who has experience with this situation., I have a boy so haircuts are quite different but it 100% depends on the day. I prefer going to the kids place that has TV’s above each chair so he be distracted by cartoons, if not I’ll bring a tablet but the TV is better so nobody has to hold it. The first time I was absolutely amazed at how well he did at 2 years old, he’s also had a big meltdown we had to hold his hands down for a minute and the barber had to stop. 9/10 he’s okay, but occasionally he’s not in the mood and needs breaks. Hopefully since there won’t be loud clippers touching her head it will be less overwhelming for her 🩷🙏🏼, I personally don’t like when others move my hair, because of how it feels on my head. I cut my own hair now (tried that as a kid too but have gotten considerably better, haha). Part of my cutting my hair is putting a section in a hair tie and cutting below that tie. Maybe you can incorporate something like that, where she can hold the portion above the tie in her hands, so that the “head feeling” only is her own hands?, I did it myself in the shower with her, My son will be 4 in a week. He's never had a haircut. He hates anyone touching his face or head. He lets me brush his hair and put it in a pony tail most days. Idk what else to do with it.I'vee asked if he wants his hair long or if he wants to cut it, and he always says long, so for now it will stay long. Good luck with your little girl!, It was not easy. I was putting Peppa Pig on the smartphone while the hair dresser was trying to cut the hair and my son, 2.5 yo at that time, was moving all the time. It was much easier when we did it ourselves and cut his hair at home while he was watching Peppa Pig as he's used to on Sunday morning., Look up hair cut social stories on YouTube. That has helped both my kids. We went with the expectation of checking it out and if it didn’t happen we’d try another time. That helped a lot. We watched a show while getting a cut and got a Lolipop after. It also helped my kids to watch their dad get one done before them. My kids are 2 and 4 and we’ve had a few good haircuts and a few times we walked in and walked back out. Just keep it relaxed., My kid's first wasn't great - we were in a rush and needed it cut for a wedding and didn't do a lot of research. Subsequent haircuts have been MUCH better. Through a facebook local mom group I found a great woman who only has one kid in the salon at a time and is really patient. I'm lucky in that my kid will deal with that. I'd recommend not going to a huge place that's full of kids and screaming and noise. There's a british kids youtube channel called Boey Bear where they show with a bear puppet how the haircut goes and my guy loved watching that. Might have helped? Best of luck!, Not all heroes wear capes! Sounds like a total gem., My daughter is exactly the same! So weird isn’t it., I do finger nail clipping in his sleep, PS I found out that a lot of Autists hate hair for various reasons and in various ways. My daughter (10) liked doing silly hairstyles for school but otherwise hated anything we did to her hair because it hurt. No matter how lightly I went. About 2 years ago i got fed up with my hair and chopped it super short, and I let her cut it short as well; she was muuuch happier. So am I but I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my hair for similar ND reasons… Last year and this year she did a Karen hairstyle, super short in the back and above the chin in the front. Her mental health and stress has improved considerably, especially in the mornings before school, since we let her cut it super short and replaced her earmuffs with Loops earplugs. With what you’ve described, short hair might help a lot. And you can go longer between cuts. Earplugs might help with the haircut as well if she has any sound sensitivities… Just an afterthought I wanted to share, which really helped us all., Also suggest always changing clothes and washing the old ones, because the hairs can stick to the fabric and be a nightmare!, Me too

How do I deal with an autistic kid on my sports team?

TLDR; I coach a U13 Female hockey team, one player is very likely autistic and semi verbal. I want to help her have the best experience possible. How can I support her and optimize her experience on the team? I deeply apologize if any of the terminology or phrasing in this post is incorrect or offensive. I have been researching about autism, but am still fairly ignorant to the experience, please, please correct me if anything is wrong. I am a hockey coach for U13 female (under 13-most players are 12.) One player, Carla (fake name, of course) has been playing since she was around four. The general consensus among the coaches is that she has autism or some similar disorder (not confirmed by the parents, it would be an awkward question to ask,) and we all try to support her as much as we can. She has many of the stereotypical autistic behaviours; avoiding eye contact, wringing hands/other similar movements, walking on tip toes. The biggest thing is her lack of speech. She does not talk unless directly spoken to, and if she is respond with monotone yes/no or very basic, factual answers. At the beginning of the season she’ll ask basic questions like, “how was your summer,” or “what is your favourite movie” to the other players, but not know how to continue the conversation and usually just turn around and end the conversation. Recently, she’s started saying “good job,” after every shift (the times players are on the ice.) I think she observed her teammates saying this and so adopted it as well. She’s also started doing high fives after every goal (something we do on our team.) Some days, she’ll have some small talk, but again it peters out very quickly, here’s an example. Carly: “number 18 is good at defending.” Teammate: “Yeah, number 4 is a really good skater too.” Carly nods and turns away I’d also like to say she’s a very good player. Specifically, she has amazing hockey IQ, knows exactly where to pass, where everyone is, is awesome at blocking pucks, like crazy good hockey IQ. She also digests information very well and is very good at applying it to her game. She is not very fast, though, due to a physical disability affecting her legs which she’s had surgery for. So, to the actual question. How do I support her? Her teammates are awesome, there is no bullying, and everyone is understanding. They don’t really like being paired with her, though,-she’s a defense so there’s always a pair- since she doesn’t talk and if she does it’s very awkward, they would rather be paired with their friends. I try to talk to her one on one and make sure to greet her, but don’t single her out because she’s expressed she doesn’t like that. Thank you so much for reading this whole thing, and PLEASE, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sounds like you’re doing fine. My son was on the swim team for years. I remember him at practice and he’d just stand there quietly near the other kids, not really talking. The other kids all knew him and were nice to him, but that was about it. That was years ago and he still talks about it as the time he had ‘the most friends’. She is probably really enjoying her experience, but just isn’t showing it., My boy is autistic and has just joined a football (soccer) team. The coaches are smiley and nice and never ever shout at the kids, never get frustrated with them and have lots of patience. If the girl is like my child she may not seem to take/want praise. Do the parents come to games and practice? Just start a dialogue with her parents if you can. You don’t have to mention autism if it’s uncomfortable. Just talk about how well she’s doing etc. It sounds like you are already on the right path anyway., I think for Carly if you’re not observing anything like a meltdown, or destructive behaviors it seems like what’s currently in place is working. Just let her know if she has any questions or concerns that her and her parents are more than welcome to reach out to you. I love that you’re thinking ahead and trying to make sure she’s got all the support she needs., I wouldn't necessarily assume that this girl needs or wants the same types and amount of social interactions as NT kids, but it's good that you're conscious of her differing experiences. For now, I'd say just focus on the sport, and make sure she has opportunities to be either included, or take some time to herself. Whether she visibly reacts to praise or constructive criticism or not, I think you just have to assume that you are reaching her. It does seem like she's making an effort to socialize with others, but if you engineer to much of that for her, it may end up feeling overwhelming instead. I guess I'd echo others and just suggest that you take some time to catch up with her parents and maybe ask what they think her goals are in playing hockey. It very well may end up just being about loving hockey a lot, at which point your support may just be giving her time on the ice., You keep doing what you’ve been doing, can you not see the positive it already brings. It’s also not your position to mention anything to the parents, your the hockey coach. Your a very short part of that child’s life, best you can do is pass on what you know as a person, leader & hockey player. As coaches to young kids we need to understand every player is different & in kid sports the development varies. But the goal is the same, get the best out of every child and help them improve. Not just as players but as team members & leaders themself. You do this but setting a good example, you’ve already observed how the kid likes to learn. Just like you, by observing & mimicking others. Autisic kids may put those pieces of the puzzle together a little differently but they still just us capable. Don’t just look at the negatives about ND children, many gain advantages. It’s great you care so much about your players, they are truely lucky to have a great coach. Young kids need good role models so keep doing what your doing., It doesn’t sound like there’s a problem here. She’s doing well at the game and her teammates are understanding. That’s great!, My idea is that you could add some team building/bonding activities where you suggest different topics or questions they have to ask each other. Are they supposed to be communicating with partners during the game? If so have a drill that focused on what sorts of things they need to say, model it, and make sure to be fairly explicit about the sorts of things that the players are expected to say. If her being left out when partners are chosen you can always have a novelty method of choosing partners. Draw numbers out of a bag where each player’s jersey number is on a chip or a whatever. Also. Perhaps having a featured player of the week where they share some information about themselves (maybe via team emails) like favorite shows, movies, foods, parts of the game, favorite drills and then your autistic team member can be given this information to give her a leg up on having more to talk about with her teammates. My son is very similar in that he has a lot he’s interested in, but when he’s not with someone who shares that interest he won’t say anything. And many times he just doesn’t know if someone cares about that interest or not because he won’t ask. But it’s important to mention that even when he’s in a group activity and not talking he’s really often still having a great time and feeling part of the team. So, your player may be very happy., The fact that you are educating yourself about autism in order to better support her is great. My daughter also plays hockey and just moved up to U15 this year. I was lucky enough that one of the coaches actually works with children with autism in her regular job, so she was able to support my daughter on the ice (she needs some time to process new drills) and in the change room socially. One thing that her coaches notice is that she listens and does exactly what they tell her to do and she does her job well (defence - don’t mess with her goalie😂). Her team mates notice that she’s a little quirky, but they respect and encourage her, and quite frankly, most of the time she doesn’t care if they include her or not. I am very lucky that her best friend (the goalie) is on her team, so she isn’t completely left out (although I’m sure that it’s more me than her that cares about this). Just keep recognizing her efforts and let her do her thing. 12-13 year-old girls can be really tough to negotiate socially, even for NT kids. You can’t make the others “accept” her, but you can foster acceptance and tolerance. A team needs to work together, and they can’t do that if they leave one of their team members out., Thanks for the comment! Both parents usually come in, but I’m almost always on the ice when they’re there. I will start making more of an effort to speak with them, though!, Yeah, that’s great. The kid will then receive any praise you give through the parents and will more than likely even be trying to listen in. That’s what my boy does anyway. He also has a very high soccer IQ and basically anchors the defense., Please talk to them. Parents of autistic children are always worried their child/themselves being ostracized., Sounds like you’re doing fine. My son was on the swim team for years. I remember him at practice and he’d just stand there quietly near the other kids, not really talking. The other kids all knew him and were nice to him, but that was about it. That was years ago and he still talks about it as the time he had ‘the most friends’. She is probably really enjoying her experience, but just isn’t showing it., My boy is autistic and has just joined a football (soccer) team. The coaches are smiley and nice and never ever shout at the kids, never get frustrated with them and have lots of patience. If the girl is like my child she may not seem to take/want praise. Do the parents come to games and practice? Just start a dialogue with her parents if you can. You don’t have to mention autism if it’s uncomfortable. Just talk about how well she’s doing etc. It sounds like you are already on the right path anyway., I think for Carly if you’re not observing anything like a meltdown, or destructive behaviors it seems like what’s currently in place is working. Just let her know if she has any questions or concerns that her and her parents are more than welcome to reach out to you. I love that you’re thinking ahead and trying to make sure she’s got all the support she needs., I wouldn't necessarily assume that this girl needs or wants the same types and amount of social interactions as NT kids, but it's good that you're conscious of her differing experiences. For now, I'd say just focus on the sport, and make sure she has opportunities to be either included, or take some time to herself. Whether she visibly reacts to praise or constructive criticism or not, I think you just have to assume that you are reaching her. It does seem like she's making an effort to socialize with others, but if you engineer to much of that for her, it may end up feeling overwhelming instead. I guess I'd echo others and just suggest that you take some time to catch up with her parents and maybe ask what they think her goals are in playing hockey. It very well may end up just being about loving hockey a lot, at which point your support may just be giving her time on the ice., You keep doing what you’ve been doing, can you not see the positive it already brings. It’s also not your position to mention anything to the parents, your the hockey coach. Your a very short part of that child’s life, best you can do is pass on what you know as a person, leader & hockey player. As coaches to young kids we need to understand every player is different & in kid sports the development varies. But the goal is the same, get the best out of every child and help them improve. Not just as players but as team members & leaders themself. You do this but setting a good example, you’ve already observed how the kid likes to learn. Just like you, by observing & mimicking others. Autisic kids may put those pieces of the puzzle together a little differently but they still just us capable. Don’t just look at the negatives about ND children, many gain advantages. It’s great you care so much about your players, they are truely lucky to have a great coach. Young kids need good role models so keep doing what your doing., It doesn’t sound like there’s a problem here. She’s doing well at the game and her teammates are understanding. That’s great!, My idea is that you could add some team building/bonding activities where you suggest different topics or questions they have to ask each other. Are they supposed to be communicating with partners during the game? If so have a drill that focused on what sorts of things they need to say, model it, and make sure to be fairly explicit about the sorts of things that the players are expected to say. If her being left out when partners are chosen you can always have a novelty method of choosing partners. Draw numbers out of a bag where each player’s jersey number is on a chip or a whatever. Also. Perhaps having a featured player of the week where they share some information about themselves (maybe via team emails) like favorite shows, movies, foods, parts of the game, favorite drills and then your autistic team member can be given this information to give her a leg up on having more to talk about with her teammates. My son is very similar in that he has a lot he’s interested in, but when he’s not with someone who shares that interest he won’t say anything. And many times he just doesn’t know if someone cares about that interest or not because he won’t ask. But it’s important to mention that even when he’s in a group activity and not talking he’s really often still having a great time and feeling part of the team. So, your player may be very happy., The fact that you are educating yourself about autism in order to better support her is great. My daughter also plays hockey and just moved up to U15 this year. I was lucky enough that one of the coaches actually works with children with autism in her regular job, so she was able to support my daughter on the ice (she needs some time to process new drills) and in the change room socially. One thing that her coaches notice is that she listens and does exactly what they tell her to do and she does her job well (defence - don’t mess with her goalie😂). Her team mates notice that she’s a little quirky, but they respect and encourage her, and quite frankly, most of the time she doesn’t care if they include her or not. I am very lucky that her best friend (the goalie) is on her team, so she isn’t completely left out (although I’m sure that it’s more me than her that cares about this). Just keep recognizing her efforts and let her do her thing. 12-13 year-old girls can be really tough to negotiate socially, even for NT kids. You can’t make the others “accept” her, but you can foster acceptance and tolerance. A team needs to work together, and they can’t do that if they leave one of their team members out., Thanks for the comment! Both parents usually come in, but I’m almost always on the ice when they’re there. I will start making more of an effort to speak with them, though!, Yeah, that’s great. The kid will then receive any praise you give through the parents and will more than likely even be trying to listen in. That’s what my boy does anyway. He also has a very high soccer IQ and basically anchors the defense., Please talk to them. Parents of autistic children are always worried their child/themselves being ostracized., Sounds like you’re doing fine. My son was on the swim team for years. I remember him at practice and he’d just stand there quietly near the other kids, not really talking. The other kids all knew him and were nice to him, but that was about it. That was years ago and he still talks about it as the time he had ‘the most friends’. She is probably really enjoying her experience, but just isn’t showing it., My boy is autistic and has just joined a football (soccer) team. The coaches are smiley and nice and never ever shout at the kids, never get frustrated with them and have lots of patience. If the girl is like my child she may not seem to take/want praise. Do the parents come to games and practice? Just start a dialogue with her parents if you can. You don’t have to mention autism if it’s uncomfortable. Just talk about how well she’s doing etc. It sounds like you are already on the right path anyway., I think for Carly if you’re not observing anything like a meltdown, or destructive behaviors it seems like what’s currently in place is working. Just let her know if she has any questions or concerns that her and her parents are more than welcome to reach out to you. I love that you’re thinking ahead and trying to make sure she’s got all the support she needs., I wouldn't necessarily assume that this girl needs or wants the same types and amount of social interactions as NT kids, but it's good that you're conscious of her differing experiences. For now, I'd say just focus on the sport, and make sure she has opportunities to be either included, or take some time to herself. Whether she visibly reacts to praise or constructive criticism or not, I think you just have to assume that you are reaching her. It does seem like she's making an effort to socialize with others, but if you engineer to much of that for her, it may end up feeling overwhelming instead. I guess I'd echo others and just suggest that you take some time to catch up with her parents and maybe ask what they think her goals are in playing hockey. It very well may end up just being about loving hockey a lot, at which point your support may just be giving her time on the ice., You keep doing what you’ve been doing, can you not see the positive it already brings. It’s also not your position to mention anything to the parents, your the hockey coach. Your a very short part of that child’s life, best you can do is pass on what you know as a person, leader & hockey player. As coaches to young kids we need to understand every player is different & in kid sports the development varies. But the goal is the same, get the best out of every child and help them improve. Not just as players but as team members & leaders themself. You do this but setting a good example, you’ve already observed how the kid likes to learn. Just like you, by observing & mimicking others. Autisic kids may put those pieces of the puzzle together a little differently but they still just us capable. Don’t just look at the negatives about ND children, many gain advantages. It’s great you care so much about your players, they are truely lucky to have a great coach. Young kids need good role models so keep doing what your doing., It doesn’t sound like there’s a problem here. She’s doing well at the game and her teammates are understanding. That’s great!, My idea is that you could add some team building/bonding activities where you suggest different topics or questions they have to ask each other. Are they supposed to be communicating with partners during the game? If so have a drill that focused on what sorts of things they need to say, model it, and make sure to be fairly explicit about the sorts of things that the players are expected to say. If her being left out when partners are chosen you can always have a novelty method of choosing partners. Draw numbers out of a bag where each player’s jersey number is on a chip or a whatever. Also. Perhaps having a featured player of the week where they share some information about themselves (maybe via team emails) like favorite shows, movies, foods, parts of the game, favorite drills and then your autistic team member can be given this information to give her a leg up on having more to talk about with her teammates. My son is very similar in that he has a lot he’s interested in, but when he’s not with someone who shares that interest he won’t say anything. And many times he just doesn’t know if someone cares about that interest or not because he won’t ask. But it’s important to mention that even when he’s in a group activity and not talking he’s really often still having a great time and feeling part of the team. So, your player may be very happy., The fact that you are educating yourself about autism in order to better support her is great. My daughter also plays hockey and just moved up to U15 this year. I was lucky enough that one of the coaches actually works with children with autism in her regular job, so she was able to support my daughter on the ice (she needs some time to process new drills) and in the change room socially. One thing that her coaches notice is that she listens and does exactly what they tell her to do and she does her job well (defence - don’t mess with her goalie😂). Her team mates notice that she’s a little quirky, but they respect and encourage her, and quite frankly, most of the time she doesn’t care if they include her or not. I am very lucky that her best friend (the goalie) is on her team, so she isn’t completely left out (although I’m sure that it’s more me than her that cares about this). Just keep recognizing her efforts and let her do her thing. 12-13 year-old girls can be really tough to negotiate socially, even for NT kids. You can’t make the others “accept” her, but you can foster acceptance and tolerance. A team needs to work together, and they can’t do that if they leave one of their team members out., Thanks for the comment! Both parents usually come in, but I’m almost always on the ice when they’re there. I will start making more of an effort to speak with them, though!, Yeah, that’s great. The kid will then receive any praise you give through the parents and will more than likely even be trying to listen in. That’s what my boy does anyway. He also has a very high soccer IQ and basically anchors the defense., Please talk to them. Parents of autistic children are always worried their child/themselves being ostracized., Sounds like you’re doing fine. My son was on the swim team for years. I remember him at practice and he’d just stand there quietly near the other kids, not really talking. The other kids all knew him and were nice to him, but that was about it. That was years ago and he still talks about it as the time he had ‘the most friends’. She is probably really enjoying her experience, but just isn’t showing it., My boy is autistic and has just joined a football (soccer) team. The coaches are smiley and nice and never ever shout at the kids, never get frustrated with them and have lots of patience. If the girl is like my child she may not seem to take/want praise. Do the parents come to games and practice? Just start a dialogue with her parents if you can. You don’t have to mention autism if it’s uncomfortable. Just talk about how well she’s doing etc. It sounds like you are already on the right path anyway., I think for Carly if you’re not observing anything like a meltdown, or destructive behaviors it seems like what’s currently in place is working. Just let her know if she has any questions or concerns that her and her parents are more than welcome to reach out to you. I love that you’re thinking ahead and trying to make sure she’s got all the support she needs., I wouldn't necessarily assume that this girl needs or wants the same types and amount of social interactions as NT kids, but it's good that you're conscious of her differing experiences. For now, I'd say just focus on the sport, and make sure she has opportunities to be either included, or take some time to herself. Whether she visibly reacts to praise or constructive criticism or not, I think you just have to assume that you are reaching her. It does seem like she's making an effort to socialize with others, but if you engineer to much of that for her, it may end up feeling overwhelming instead. I guess I'd echo others and just suggest that you take some time to catch up with her parents and maybe ask what they think her goals are in playing hockey. It very well may end up just being about loving hockey a lot, at which point your support may just be giving her time on the ice., You keep doing what you’ve been doing, can you not see the positive it already brings. It’s also not your position to mention anything to the parents, your the hockey coach. Your a very short part of that child’s life, best you can do is pass on what you know as a person, leader & hockey player. As coaches to young kids we need to understand every player is different & in kid sports the development varies. But the goal is the same, get the best out of every child and help them improve. Not just as players but as team members & leaders themself. You do this but setting a good example, you’ve already observed how the kid likes to learn. Just like you, by observing & mimicking others. Autisic kids may put those pieces of the puzzle together a little differently but they still just us capable. Don’t just look at the negatives about ND children, many gain advantages. It’s great you care so much about your players, they are truely lucky to have a great coach. Young kids need good role models so keep doing what your doing., It doesn’t sound like there’s a problem here. She’s doing well at the game and her teammates are understanding. That’s great!, My idea is that you could add some team building/bonding activities where you suggest different topics or questions they have to ask each other. Are they supposed to be communicating with partners during the game? If so have a drill that focused on what sorts of things they need to say, model it, and make sure to be fairly explicit about the sorts of things that the players are expected to say. If her being left out when partners are chosen you can always have a novelty method of choosing partners. Draw numbers out of a bag where each player’s jersey number is on a chip or a whatever. Also. Perhaps having a featured player of the week where they share some information about themselves (maybe via team emails) like favorite shows, movies, foods, parts of the game, favorite drills and then your autistic team member can be given this information to give her a leg up on having more to talk about with her teammates. My son is very similar in that he has a lot he’s interested in, but when he’s not with someone who shares that interest he won’t say anything. And many times he just doesn’t know if someone cares about that interest or not because he won’t ask. But it’s important to mention that even when he’s in a group activity and not talking he’s really often still having a great time and feeling part of the team. So, your player may be very happy., The fact that you are educating yourself about autism in order to better support her is great. My daughter also plays hockey and just moved up to U15 this year. I was lucky enough that one of the coaches actually works with children with autism in her regular job, so she was able to support my daughter on the ice (she needs some time to process new drills) and in the change room socially. One thing that her coaches notice is that she listens and does exactly what they tell her to do and she does her job well (defence - don’t mess with her goalie😂). Her team mates notice that she’s a little quirky, but they respect and encourage her, and quite frankly, most of the time she doesn’t care if they include her or not. I am very lucky that her best friend (the goalie) is on her team, so she isn’t completely left out (although I’m sure that it’s more me than her that cares about this). Just keep recognizing her efforts and let her do her thing. 12-13 year-old girls can be really tough to negotiate socially, even for NT kids. You can’t make the others “accept” her, but you can foster acceptance and tolerance. A team needs to work together, and they can’t do that if they leave one of their team members out., Thanks for the comment! Both parents usually come in, but I’m almost always on the ice when they’re there. I will start making more of an effort to speak with them, though!, Yeah, that’s great. The kid will then receive any praise you give through the parents and will more than likely even be trying to listen in. That’s what my boy does anyway. He also has a very high soccer IQ and basically anchors the defense., Please talk to them. Parents of autistic children are always worried their child/themselves being ostracized.

How do I deal with obsessions

My 4 year old is yet to be diagnosed, we're going through speech and language currently (UK system sucks). He is totally obsessed with stuffies, he likes Rainbow friends and Poppy play time (he's never even watched them but he's obsessed with the plushies). He will get me to buy one, soon as it comes it lasts 5 minutes because he'll get excited then oh I want this one too. We've just had 3 hours of "I want x, I want x I want x" and it's breaking my mind because he just doesn't understand. Any coping mechanisms for this? We've barely had any help so far as he only got referred to speech and language may last year and we've seen them once.

What I did with my brother was we made a point system to get a new toy or item. Good behavior or chores or small tasks (just helping or being good in general) earns a point. 25-50 points = a toy (depending on how big the item is and how much it costs, you make it worth more points) that worked really well with my brother. I basically raised him. We also set a rule that he had to play with that one item or toy or game for at LEAST 2 weeks before considering a new one. And that’s when we’d start the point system, after the 2 weeks is up. OR I would tell him he’d have to give up 2 small toys or 1 medium sized toy for a new toy. It made him stop wanting so much because he liked his old toys and didn’t wanna give them up for it. Every child is different so I’m not sure if it’ll work out for you, but it may. I hope you find something that works!, I have to preface this with a fact: My son is very intrigued by time, numbers, and money. How many minutes do we have to do something? How much does this cost? ect. So, when my son was 4, he was much like your child. He wanted ALL the hot wheel cars. I started with "You can only pick one" but the choosing would cause meltdowns. Once I found he was curious about prices, I ended up being honest with him. 'Son, I know you want this item, but I only have $2 to spend on this today. How much is the one you chose? $25? Yeah that is a lot of money, much more than $2. Why don't you find one that is $2?" The obsession over the object changed to a challenge to find the object that cost X., What I did with my brother was we made a point system to get a new toy or item. Good behavior or chores or small tasks (just helping or being good in general) earns a point. 25-50 points = a toy (depending on how big the item is and how much it costs, you make it worth more points) that worked really well with my brother. I basically raised him. We also set a rule that he had to play with that one item or toy or game for at LEAST 2 weeks before considering a new one. And that’s when we’d start the point system, after the 2 weeks is up. OR I would tell him he’d have to give up 2 small toys or 1 medium sized toy for a new toy. It made him stop wanting so much because he liked his old toys and didn’t wanna give them up for it. Every child is different so I’m not sure if it’ll work out for you, but it may. I hope you find something that works!, I have to preface this with a fact: My son is very intrigued by time, numbers, and money. How many minutes do we have to do something? How much does this cost? ect. So, when my son was 4, he was much like your child. He wanted ALL the hot wheel cars. I started with "You can only pick one" but the choosing would cause meltdowns. Once I found he was curious about prices, I ended up being honest with him. 'Son, I know you want this item, but I only have $2 to spend on this today. How much is the one you chose? $25? Yeah that is a lot of money, much more than $2. Why don't you find one that is $2?" The obsession over the object changed to a challenge to find the object that cost X., What I did with my brother was we made a point system to get a new toy or item. Good behavior or chores or small tasks (just helping or being good in general) earns a point. 25-50 points = a toy (depending on how big the item is and how much it costs, you make it worth more points) that worked really well with my brother. I basically raised him. We also set a rule that he had to play with that one item or toy or game for at LEAST 2 weeks before considering a new one. And that’s when we’d start the point system, after the 2 weeks is up. OR I would tell him he’d have to give up 2 small toys or 1 medium sized toy for a new toy. It made him stop wanting so much because he liked his old toys and didn’t wanna give them up for it. Every child is different so I’m not sure if it’ll work out for you, but it may. I hope you find something that works!, I have to preface this with a fact: My son is very intrigued by time, numbers, and money. How many minutes do we have to do something? How much does this cost? ect. So, when my son was 4, he was much like your child. He wanted ALL the hot wheel cars. I started with "You can only pick one" but the choosing would cause meltdowns. Once I found he was curious about prices, I ended up being honest with him. 'Son, I know you want this item, but I only have $2 to spend on this today. How much is the one you chose? $25? Yeah that is a lot of money, much more than $2. Why don't you find one that is $2?" The obsession over the object changed to a challenge to find the object that cost X., What I did with my brother was we made a point system to get a new toy or item. Good behavior or chores or small tasks (just helping or being good in general) earns a point. 25-50 points = a toy (depending on how big the item is and how much it costs, you make it worth more points) that worked really well with my brother. I basically raised him. We also set a rule that he had to play with that one item or toy or game for at LEAST 2 weeks before considering a new one. And that’s when we’d start the point system, after the 2 weeks is up. OR I would tell him he’d have to give up 2 small toys or 1 medium sized toy for a new toy. It made him stop wanting so much because he liked his old toys and didn’t wanna give them up for it. Every child is different so I’m not sure if it’ll work out for you, but it may. I hope you find something that works!, I have to preface this with a fact: My son is very intrigued by time, numbers, and money. How many minutes do we have to do something? How much does this cost? ect. So, when my son was 4, he was much like your child. He wanted ALL the hot wheel cars. I started with "You can only pick one" but the choosing would cause meltdowns. Once I found he was curious about prices, I ended up being honest with him. 'Son, I know you want this item, but I only have $2 to spend on this today. How much is the one you chose? $25? Yeah that is a lot of money, much more than $2. Why don't you find one that is $2?" The obsession over the object changed to a challenge to find the object that cost X.

How do I explain to my five-year-old son that we need to rehome a pet?

I have two sons, 3 and 5. My five-year-old has mild autism and does not understand the concept of time very well, or how to control his feelings, like happiness and excitement around small pets. We adopted a six month old cat to help my five year old with his autism and social skills. The problem is that both my sons get very excited around kitty and squeeze him very tightly and don’t leave kitty in peace. I tell my sons to relax, and not to squeeze the cat and they do so— but quickly forget. My 3yr is more gentle than my 5 yr old. I’ve decided to rehome kitty with my sister and brother-in-law, who don’t have kids and have two young cats. They are willing to gently introduce the cats. They’ve suggested letting our kids visit and bring kitty back for a visit. When I mention the possibility of rehoming the kitty to my sons, they start to cry. They really love kitty. My three-year-old may quickly forget but I’m worried about my five-year old, who is mildly autistic but doesn’t understand well so he may forget quickly as well. I tried doing my best, and I had good intentions. I’ve had pets before I was a parent, and I didn’t decide this easily. How should I go about this? TLDR: My children squeeze kitty too hard with excitement, It’s been almost a month and it hasn’t changed, I’ve tried, kitty must be rehomed with sister. How do I tell them?

I’d keep it simple… maybe ‘Kitty isn’t happy living in our house, so he’s going to live with Auntie and Uncle where he will have kitty friends, and we can visit him there!”, Like a band-aid, I wonder if there's a way you can make sure they're very closely supervised around them and perhaps not allowed to do anything besides just pet? It's also possible the autistic one struggles with proprioception and doesn't know how heavy handed he is (like my husband), which needs a more targeted solution like OT. Your kids will probably catch onto more than you know and might already be bonded to the cats. My autistic one was absolutely devastated when one of our dogs died when they were around your older kid's age and has still never forgotten him. Impulse control, sensory awareness, and long-term memory are all different things., Could you get them stuffed kitties? To hug and pet., I think what hurts me the most as a parent is making my kids cry. I provided them with a new friend and I feel like I’m taking it away. I feel like it’s really my fault I’m making them cry. I know it’ll get better for them, but I feel sad., We had this issue with our LO, even highly supervised. It's not fair to the cat, bonded or not, Yes that sounds nice, It sucks, but they’ll probably get over it rather quickly. We all make mistakes, and we all have to make our kids cry sometimes :( If they bring it up, have them draw kitty a picture and mail it!, I just want to say you’re amazing, you’re doing the best thing now and you’re doing a great job for your kids. I’m so sorry you’re feeling down right now. I like the postcard idea, I guess they just can't have pets then. Sucks that it sounds like there's basically no way to avoid a lot of distress for both the kids and the cats at this point, but I would be really frank with them how their actions have led to them not getting to have the cats in your home., That’s a super sweet idea! Like postcards to kitty!, I wouldn’t talk to a 3 or 5 year old like that, especially one who is on the spectrum. My son would have 0 idea what I was saying., So you're saying you can't try to explain the consequences of a child's actions to them and must either lie or omit the information instead? How else are they going to start to establish a sense of cause and effect, especially if they have a more literal brain?, It just sounded really harsh, and I wouldn’t say it that way.

How do I explain to my husband that I’m not using autism as a crutch for our son?

Son in question is 3, just diagnosed with level 1 and a speech impairment. Husband in question is 29 and is as neurotypical as they come. He tries his best to understand but I feel like sometimes I just lack the right way to explain it to him. I have ADHD and probably autism as well but that’s for another time. I like to send info I find that I find helpful. This is just a fact. Well of course I will send stuff I find here because it resonates with me and what I observe in our son. But his response is.. “what if that’s just normal 3 year old behavior? You can’t blame him being upset because he doesn’t get to go outside and not handling it well, on autism.” …but this is not what I’m doing. I’m recognizing a behavior is similar and gathering info. I’m just at a loss. He is already so.. defensive? And I’ve only shared one thing. How will we be able to communicate effective strategies when it seems like he doesn’t want to hear it? I’ve suspected this diagnosis for awhile.. every time I’d bring it up he would get irritated at me. “You can’t say he has autism just because he likes to line up his cars.” It’s like he thinks I only pick out the stuff relevant to the situation and away the stats in my favor. Which I do not do. I only want truth and facts! He says he’s known autistic people and I do not act like them and therefore I am not autistic(insert SpongeBob mocking meme here). But yet also says he will love and accept his son no matter what. Am I out of line to think that’s hypocritical? Maybe this is more of a vent but jeeze. 2 weeks into an official diagnosis and I already feel like I can’t bring up the topic. 😑 EDIT: Thank you everyone. I always struggle with figuring out his point of view because ‘not worrying about it’ is so foreign to me. Just a ball of anxiety 😬 I also take things way too personal. I know when he says he will love us no matter what he means it. Ok time to face the day 💪🏻

Neither of you is wrong. He is absolutely right. His behaviours may well be typical toddler behaviours. At 3, it's more difficult to differentiate between the two. Equally, you're embracing this diagnosis, possibly because you relate to elements of your child's character/behaviours that you perhaps share/recognise/empathise with. You're in that researching and wanting to find out everything stage. He's in the denial stage and may well need to go through the grieving and mourning stages before he can even be close to the same place you're in. Personally, I think that at this stage, I'd leave the medical report for him to read somewhere that he knows where it is. And then, in your shoes, if it comforts you, you carry on doing research, but don't pass it on to him at this point., This disorder has a large impact on the parents; I'm sure you know. How each of us processes this can be really different. Some people transition into this quickly, others go in kicking and screaming. It involves having to re-frame your entire view of what you were going to be as a mother/father. All your life's fantasies shatter. Eventually you work out ways to rebuild your reality. He may be having issues with this. He may be hurting, scared, confused and/or lost. When it happened to me, no one ever prepared me for this. I had visions of what I was going to be as a Dad; the things I'd teach, the pseudo-imortality we get when we pass on our life's learning to our children. Even after 9 years of this, I still have moments. Even though I have a background in psychology and a personal history with disabilities, it still took me a while to make this shift. I cannot speak to your situation based on what you dropped, but men are often really bad at expressing our real feelings. Fear often gets turned in to some kind of dominance thing, as if we can argue/fight/will reality to be different. Maybe there is a way you can emotionally Judo him into opening up for a heart-to-heart about whet this all means to you both and how it changes what you wanted with your life. Make sure you end on a positive connecting note. Have these often., Turbo-projecting here, but maybe he doesn't see anything atypical about your son's behavior because it looks a lot like his own childhood behavior that he eventually "grew out of"., Let me guess, he didn't want to get a diagnosis because of the *label*?, lol , are we married to the same husband? I don’t know if my daughter has autism or not but she definitely has a speech delay. We’re taking her to child psychiatrist early next month. My husband is the same, “let her be a baby; stop picking on her “ Picking on her ?! She’s my whole heart. Just bc I want to make sure she gets what she needs doesn’t make me cruel to our daughter if I notice her doing something differently and asking home what he thinks or if he notices something. He does go along with her therapies and Drs appointments but I can’t really talk to him about it . I want another child but I second guess even raising another child with him bc of this attitude. Anyway no advice really, but I understand. Hopefully their ignorance resides., So, I recognize this situation because it's almost exactly like my own. But one thing I had to learn to understand is that my husband and I processed the news in very different ways! How I mourned for a while, he didn't seem very bothered. How I needed to know all the things, he would rather just experience them as they go. And even to this day he will be stubborn and rather try something his own way instead of how I explain it works best for our kids with the risk of it backfiring. But you know? They are dads and we are moms and we get to be different about these things. As long as HE isn't bullying your three year old. As long as HE isn't harming your three year old and as long as he is taking any professional advice and help serious (for example we have a therapist who comes to our house to help guide us through this, and my husband does listen to her.) Then I think that's the most important thing. As long as his actions aren't getting in the way of getting your three year old the best he needs. Then he doesn't have to read every info graphic and webpage. He just needs to show up and be dad. ❤️ Big hugs from an auDHD mom who 2 years down the line still sends the infographics. 😉, It's normal and can take awhile to accept for some. My wife and I both cried when my son was diagnosed while walking out of the psych's office. From that point on I was your husband for awhile, and my wife was like you. I think honestly even to today we have different approaches to things as well. She always has been very protective of both of my ASD kids. And I always treated them what I consider "normal". I think the balance has actually been good though. I accepted their diagnoses soon after they were made, but I wasn't going to treat them much differently than our NT child. Both my kids are level 1 as well though, I think in our cases we have if much easier to approach things this way. Anyhow since he is a loving and supportive husband I am sure things will improve. However I also know if he is anything like me his outlook may never be *completely* aligned with your own. My wife and I are a team, but my kids were / are simply run of the mill PITA kids... just with "quirks"., My lg was diagnosed at 3. The truth is, at that age, you can’t be truly sure how anything will pan out; what can develop over time or what will always be struggles; what things are because of ASD, because of speech and language issues or what are personality traits that your child would have if they were NT. What I can say is that early interventions will always help. My lg barely spoke and could understand very little a year ago. I accepted that perhaps that would always be the case, but with speech and language therapy, Portage and everyone in her life factoring her needs as a person with autism, she’s come on leaps and bounds. If none of those things had happened perhaps there’d have been little improvement - in fact, a year later with no accommodations or adaptations she might find the world more overwhelming, unintelligible and distressing than she did back then. You’re doing the right things. Denial doesn’t make needs go away - your partner may need more time to process the diagnosis, but ultimately they’re going to have to get used to it for the sake of your child., Autism parent that just got rolled over and demolished by ADHD girlfriend… plus abandoned by child’s biological mother… What inspires you, concerns you or what media you consume isn’t applicable to someone that is grieving over the reality of raising ND child Your hands on? Caregiver? Same here. They won’t get it blunt force. Science, journals or communities like this won’t register to your SO Set him up to be responsible for your child. Alone. Take that time for yourself, so you can be strong parent tomorrow or next week. He will figure it out at his own pace And yes, you have to separate the autism behaviors from typical childhood development. We get to juggle both, Have your husband go to an OT appointment with your son, sometimes it take a professional, or go to family counselling with your son so he can hear it from a psychiatrist. Does your son have any friends? Getting him therapy can help with that. Also if he’s level one with speech, he must have a lot of positives, do you know why they think just level 1?, Working in early intervention for 15 years, I saw this a lot. It was disproportionately dads that had trouble accepting a diagnosis (sorry to the dads, this is just my experience). He is probably coming from a point of ignorance regarding what autism is, and also desperately not wanting this for his child (who could blame him). If he is having a poor reaction to the info you send, maybe stop sending it for now. He is just not ready to dive into learning at this point. If he would be receptive to therapy, maybe that might help him accept the reality and become a supporter instead of an adversary. My son's father was never able to get on board. He wound up withdrawing completely and refused to be honest with the therapist, so that was a bust. I divorced him (for this and a few other reasons) so he isn't in my way anymore. I hope yours can get it together and put actions behind his words because being unsupportive and defensive is not a display of love., He’s grieving and scared., Hi. I'm a dad of a level 3 extremely limited verbally 5yo. I am NT, but I do everything in my power to help my son have as positive an outcome as possible. I pose it like this to people having a hard time connecting or understanding. We need to work as hard for our kids as possible to help them achieve as much as they can. Now I'm not sure how dad's can't jump on board with these diagnoses. I feel it's a defense mechanism that is then fighting back against something they don't understand or think its something they have done wrong. Denial is never a good thing in any tough scenario. Now, all our situations are different, and I don't know the level 1 lower support needs kiddos and how their day to day is. Maybe your son does a ton of things well, and that is what your husband likes to focus on, which can be good. It's great to build on strengths. But you have to be open to the areas of need and work on them just as hard., I was fine with it.. I said think about all the resources that will be available for him. But he said he was worried about him getting picked on., I don’t have a paper copy yet. But I remember they said his score was in the 40s and that measures more level 2 (I guess) but they also score him against other children and that brought him to score of 30 ish so he was level 1. He’s definitely not non verbal. He talks constantly but it’s only gibberish. Very recently he had a big boom in words and even says some sentences. I think the comprehension is there but he really just can’t find the right words ya know? I could be wrong but I think he’s just not worried about it. He’s like.. nahhh I don’t need to know all that I’m just gonna play with my cars. Haha 😅🥹, Hi there. We are in the see boat as you — our daughter diagnosed at 3 for autism and delayed speech. She is non-verbal at 4. She is currently using her AAC device to communicate her wants and extremely good at it now. All that is possible cos we used all the help we can get from school and insurance (ABA and speech therapy). We wouldn’t be able to get the help if jot for the diagnosis. It’s great thing that you got your child early diagnosis. The key benefit of the diagnosis is to get your son and the family all the needed help to chart the future. It unlocks helpful resources from IEP, speech therapy to ABA. Your husband’s worry that your son will be picked on needs further looking into. Your son won’t be picked on cos of the diagnosis or getting him the helpful resources he needs. Shifting gear towards what your next actions is more crucial. Once you get into the routine of helping your child, it gets much easier. It took us time to get into the routines of speech. ABA therapy, and IEP for it to become our daily routine. We draw happiness from realization that we are getting our child the help she needed. Wishing you all the best. Patience is your best asset., That’s amazing he is saying sentences. When he talks can he say cat when he picks up a stuffed animal cat or duck in a book. Or say bath when it’s time for bath. Like is he using words in a functional way? It sound like your son is making some leaps and bounds. Even if he is on the spectrum having speech therapy and OT, will help your son and you and your husband a lot., Oh for sure. No it really happened over night. His Early Intervention speech therapist worked with him for a year and we didn’t see a ton of progress.. or rather the kind of progress I wanted. But honestly that’s fine because we learned a lot about what teaching style works. She suggested super simple songs on YouTube and he just bursted into all these words. It’s because he’s a copier but not when you ask him. Only on his terms. So by giving him educational things to copy.. it begins to make sense for him. He can use some words in a functional way.. that’s definitely the next step on our agenda and now that he has more words I think it’ll be a little easier., Neither of you is wrong. He is absolutely right. His behaviours may well be typical toddler behaviours. At 3, it's more difficult to differentiate between the two. Equally, you're embracing this diagnosis, possibly because you relate to elements of your child's character/behaviours that you perhaps share/recognise/empathise with. You're in that researching and wanting to find out everything stage. He's in the denial stage and may well need to go through the grieving and mourning stages before he can even be close to the same place you're in. Personally, I think that at this stage, I'd leave the medical report for him to read somewhere that he knows where it is. And then, in your shoes, if it comforts you, you carry on doing research, but don't pass it on to him at this point., This disorder has a large impact on the parents; I'm sure you know. How each of us processes this can be really different. Some people transition into this quickly, others go in kicking and screaming. It involves having to re-frame your entire view of what you were going to be as a mother/father. All your life's fantasies shatter. Eventually you work out ways to rebuild your reality. He may be having issues with this. He may be hurting, scared, confused and/or lost. When it happened to me, no one ever prepared me for this. I had visions of what I was going to be as a Dad; the things I'd teach, the pseudo-imortality we get when we pass on our life's learning to our children. Even after 9 years of this, I still have moments. Even though I have a background in psychology and a personal history with disabilities, it still took me a while to make this shift. I cannot speak to your situation based on what you dropped, but men are often really bad at expressing our real feelings. Fear often gets turned in to some kind of dominance thing, as if we can argue/fight/will reality to be different. Maybe there is a way you can emotionally Judo him into opening up for a heart-to-heart about whet this all means to you both and how it changes what you wanted with your life. Make sure you end on a positive connecting note. Have these often., Turbo-projecting here, but maybe he doesn't see anything atypical about your son's behavior because it looks a lot like his own childhood behavior that he eventually "grew out of"., Let me guess, he didn't want to get a diagnosis because of the *label*?, lol , are we married to the same husband? I don’t know if my daughter has autism or not but she definitely has a speech delay. We’re taking her to child psychiatrist early next month. My husband is the same, “let her be a baby; stop picking on her “ Picking on her ?! She’s my whole heart. Just bc I want to make sure she gets what she needs doesn’t make me cruel to our daughter if I notice her doing something differently and asking home what he thinks or if he notices something. He does go along with her therapies and Drs appointments but I can’t really talk to him about it . I want another child but I second guess even raising another child with him bc of this attitude. Anyway no advice really, but I understand. Hopefully their ignorance resides., So, I recognize this situation because it's almost exactly like my own. But one thing I had to learn to understand is that my husband and I processed the news in very different ways! How I mourned for a while, he didn't seem very bothered. How I needed to know all the things, he would rather just experience them as they go. And even to this day he will be stubborn and rather try something his own way instead of how I explain it works best for our kids with the risk of it backfiring. But you know? They are dads and we are moms and we get to be different about these things. As long as HE isn't bullying your three year old. As long as HE isn't harming your three year old and as long as he is taking any professional advice and help serious (for example we have a therapist who comes to our house to help guide us through this, and my husband does listen to her.) Then I think that's the most important thing. As long as his actions aren't getting in the way of getting your three year old the best he needs. Then he doesn't have to read every info graphic and webpage. He just needs to show up and be dad. ❤️ Big hugs from an auDHD mom who 2 years down the line still sends the infographics. 😉, It's normal and can take awhile to accept for some. My wife and I both cried when my son was diagnosed while walking out of the psych's office. From that point on I was your husband for awhile, and my wife was like you. I think honestly even to today we have different approaches to things as well. She always has been very protective of both of my ASD kids. And I always treated them what I consider "normal". I think the balance has actually been good though. I accepted their diagnoses soon after they were made, but I wasn't going to treat them much differently than our NT child. Both my kids are level 1 as well though, I think in our cases we have if much easier to approach things this way. Anyhow since he is a loving and supportive husband I am sure things will improve. However I also know if he is anything like me his outlook may never be *completely* aligned with your own. My wife and I are a team, but my kids were / are simply run of the mill PITA kids... just with "quirks"., My lg was diagnosed at 3. The truth is, at that age, you can’t be truly sure how anything will pan out; what can develop over time or what will always be struggles; what things are because of ASD, because of speech and language issues or what are personality traits that your child would have if they were NT. What I can say is that early interventions will always help. My lg barely spoke and could understand very little a year ago. I accepted that perhaps that would always be the case, but with speech and language therapy, Portage and everyone in her life factoring her needs as a person with autism, she’s come on leaps and bounds. If none of those things had happened perhaps there’d have been little improvement - in fact, a year later with no accommodations or adaptations she might find the world more overwhelming, unintelligible and distressing than she did back then. You’re doing the right things. Denial doesn’t make needs go away - your partner may need more time to process the diagnosis, but ultimately they’re going to have to get used to it for the sake of your child., Autism parent that just got rolled over and demolished by ADHD girlfriend… plus abandoned by child’s biological mother… What inspires you, concerns you or what media you consume isn’t applicable to someone that is grieving over the reality of raising ND child Your hands on? Caregiver? Same here. They won’t get it blunt force. Science, journals or communities like this won’t register to your SO Set him up to be responsible for your child. Alone. Take that time for yourself, so you can be strong parent tomorrow or next week. He will figure it out at his own pace And yes, you have to separate the autism behaviors from typical childhood development. We get to juggle both, Have your husband go to an OT appointment with your son, sometimes it take a professional, or go to family counselling with your son so he can hear it from a psychiatrist. Does your son have any friends? Getting him therapy can help with that. Also if he’s level one with speech, he must have a lot of positives, do you know why they think just level 1?, Working in early intervention for 15 years, I saw this a lot. It was disproportionately dads that had trouble accepting a diagnosis (sorry to the dads, this is just my experience). He is probably coming from a point of ignorance regarding what autism is, and also desperately not wanting this for his child (who could blame him). If he is having a poor reaction to the info you send, maybe stop sending it for now. He is just not ready to dive into learning at this point. If he would be receptive to therapy, maybe that might help him accept the reality and become a supporter instead of an adversary. My son's father was never able to get on board. He wound up withdrawing completely and refused to be honest with the therapist, so that was a bust. I divorced him (for this and a few other reasons) so he isn't in my way anymore. I hope yours can get it together and put actions behind his words because being unsupportive and defensive is not a display of love., He’s grieving and scared., Hi. I'm a dad of a level 3 extremely limited verbally 5yo. I am NT, but I do everything in my power to help my son have as positive an outcome as possible. I pose it like this to people having a hard time connecting or understanding. We need to work as hard for our kids as possible to help them achieve as much as they can. Now I'm not sure how dad's can't jump on board with these diagnoses. I feel it's a defense mechanism that is then fighting back against something they don't understand or think its something they have done wrong. Denial is never a good thing in any tough scenario. Now, all our situations are different, and I don't know the level 1 lower support needs kiddos and how their day to day is. Maybe your son does a ton of things well, and that is what your husband likes to focus on, which can be good. It's great to build on strengths. But you have to be open to the areas of need and work on them just as hard., I was fine with it.. I said think about all the resources that will be available for him. But he said he was worried about him getting picked on., I don’t have a paper copy yet. But I remember they said his score was in the 40s and that measures more level 2 (I guess) but they also score him against other children and that brought him to score of 30 ish so he was level 1. He’s definitely not non verbal. He talks constantly but it’s only gibberish. Very recently he had a big boom in words and even says some sentences. I think the comprehension is there but he really just can’t find the right words ya know? I could be wrong but I think he’s just not worried about it. He’s like.. nahhh I don’t need to know all that I’m just gonna play with my cars. Haha 😅🥹, Hi there. We are in the see boat as you — our daughter diagnosed at 3 for autism and delayed speech. She is non-verbal at 4. She is currently using her AAC device to communicate her wants and extremely good at it now. All that is possible cos we used all the help we can get from school and insurance (ABA and speech therapy). We wouldn’t be able to get the help if jot for the diagnosis. It’s great thing that you got your child early diagnosis. The key benefit of the diagnosis is to get your son and the family all the needed help to chart the future. It unlocks helpful resources from IEP, speech therapy to ABA. Your husband’s worry that your son will be picked on needs further looking into. Your son won’t be picked on cos of the diagnosis or getting him the helpful resources he needs. Shifting gear towards what your next actions is more crucial. Once you get into the routine of helping your child, it gets much easier. It took us time to get into the routines of speech. ABA therapy, and IEP for it to become our daily routine. We draw happiness from realization that we are getting our child the help she needed. Wishing you all the best. Patience is your best asset., That’s amazing he is saying sentences. When he talks can he say cat when he picks up a stuffed animal cat or duck in a book. Or say bath when it’s time for bath. Like is he using words in a functional way? It sound like your son is making some leaps and bounds. Even if he is on the spectrum having speech therapy and OT, will help your son and you and your husband a lot., Oh for sure. No it really happened over night. His Early Intervention speech therapist worked with him for a year and we didn’t see a ton of progress.. or rather the kind of progress I wanted. But honestly that’s fine because we learned a lot about what teaching style works. She suggested super simple songs on YouTube and he just bursted into all these words. It’s because he’s a copier but not when you ask him. Only on his terms. So by giving him educational things to copy.. it begins to make sense for him. He can use some words in a functional way.. that’s definitely the next step on our agenda and now that he has more words I think it’ll be a little easier., Neither of you is wrong. He is absolutely right. His behaviours may well be typical toddler behaviours. At 3, it's more difficult to differentiate between the two. Equally, you're embracing this diagnosis, possibly because you relate to elements of your child's character/behaviours that you perhaps share/recognise/empathise with. You're in that researching and wanting to find out everything stage. He's in the denial stage and may well need to go through the grieving and mourning stages before he can even be close to the same place you're in. Personally, I think that at this stage, I'd leave the medical report for him to read somewhere that he knows where it is. And then, in your shoes, if it comforts you, you carry on doing research, but don't pass it on to him at this point., This disorder has a large impact on the parents; I'm sure you know. How each of us processes this can be really different. Some people transition into this quickly, others go in kicking and screaming. It involves having to re-frame your entire view of what you were going to be as a mother/father. All your life's fantasies shatter. Eventually you work out ways to rebuild your reality. He may be having issues with this. He may be hurting, scared, confused and/or lost. When it happened to me, no one ever prepared me for this. I had visions of what I was going to be as a Dad; the things I'd teach, the pseudo-imortality we get when we pass on our life's learning to our children. Even after 9 years of this, I still have moments. Even though I have a background in psychology and a personal history with disabilities, it still took me a while to make this shift. I cannot speak to your situation based on what you dropped, but men are often really bad at expressing our real feelings. Fear often gets turned in to some kind of dominance thing, as if we can argue/fight/will reality to be different. Maybe there is a way you can emotionally Judo him into opening up for a heart-to-heart about whet this all means to you both and how it changes what you wanted with your life. Make sure you end on a positive connecting note. Have these often., Turbo-projecting here, but maybe he doesn't see anything atypical about your son's behavior because it looks a lot like his own childhood behavior that he eventually "grew out of"., Let me guess, he didn't want to get a diagnosis because of the *label*?, lol , are we married to the same husband? I don’t know if my daughter has autism or not but she definitely has a speech delay. We’re taking her to child psychiatrist early next month. My husband is the same, “let her be a baby; stop picking on her “ Picking on her ?! She’s my whole heart. Just bc I want to make sure she gets what she needs doesn’t make me cruel to our daughter if I notice her doing something differently and asking home what he thinks or if he notices something. He does go along with her therapies and Drs appointments but I can’t really talk to him about it . I want another child but I second guess even raising another child with him bc of this attitude. Anyway no advice really, but I understand. Hopefully their ignorance resides., So, I recognize this situation because it's almost exactly like my own. But one thing I had to learn to understand is that my husband and I processed the news in very different ways! How I mourned for a while, he didn't seem very bothered. How I needed to know all the things, he would rather just experience them as they go. And even to this day he will be stubborn and rather try something his own way instead of how I explain it works best for our kids with the risk of it backfiring. But you know? They are dads and we are moms and we get to be different about these things. As long as HE isn't bullying your three year old. As long as HE isn't harming your three year old and as long as he is taking any professional advice and help serious (for example we have a therapist who comes to our house to help guide us through this, and my husband does listen to her.) Then I think that's the most important thing. As long as his actions aren't getting in the way of getting your three year old the best he needs. Then he doesn't have to read every info graphic and webpage. He just needs to show up and be dad. ❤️ Big hugs from an auDHD mom who 2 years down the line still sends the infographics. 😉, It's normal and can take awhile to accept for some. My wife and I both cried when my son was diagnosed while walking out of the psych's office. From that point on I was your husband for awhile, and my wife was like you. I think honestly even to today we have different approaches to things as well. She always has been very protective of both of my ASD kids. And I always treated them what I consider "normal". I think the balance has actually been good though. I accepted their diagnoses soon after they were made, but I wasn't going to treat them much differently than our NT child. Both my kids are level 1 as well though, I think in our cases we have if much easier to approach things this way. Anyhow since he is a loving and supportive husband I am sure things will improve. However I also know if he is anything like me his outlook may never be *completely* aligned with your own. My wife and I are a team, but my kids were / are simply run of the mill PITA kids... just with "quirks"., My lg was diagnosed at 3. The truth is, at that age, you can’t be truly sure how anything will pan out; what can develop over time or what will always be struggles; what things are because of ASD, because of speech and language issues or what are personality traits that your child would have if they were NT. What I can say is that early interventions will always help. My lg barely spoke and could understand very little a year ago. I accepted that perhaps that would always be the case, but with speech and language therapy, Portage and everyone in her life factoring her needs as a person with autism, she’s come on leaps and bounds. If none of those things had happened perhaps there’d have been little improvement - in fact, a year later with no accommodations or adaptations she might find the world more overwhelming, unintelligible and distressing than she did back then. You’re doing the right things. Denial doesn’t make needs go away - your partner may need more time to process the diagnosis, but ultimately they’re going to have to get used to it for the sake of your child., Autism parent that just got rolled over and demolished by ADHD girlfriend… plus abandoned by child’s biological mother… What inspires you, concerns you or what media you consume isn’t applicable to someone that is grieving over the reality of raising ND child Your hands on? Caregiver? Same here. They won’t get it blunt force. Science, journals or communities like this won’t register to your SO Set him up to be responsible for your child. Alone. Take that time for yourself, so you can be strong parent tomorrow or next week. He will figure it out at his own pace And yes, you have to separate the autism behaviors from typical childhood development. We get to juggle both, Have your husband go to an OT appointment with your son, sometimes it take a professional, or go to family counselling with your son so he can hear it from a psychiatrist. Does your son have any friends? Getting him therapy can help with that. Also if he’s level one with speech, he must have a lot of positives, do you know why they think just level 1?, Working in early intervention for 15 years, I saw this a lot. It was disproportionately dads that had trouble accepting a diagnosis (sorry to the dads, this is just my experience). He is probably coming from a point of ignorance regarding what autism is, and also desperately not wanting this for his child (who could blame him). If he is having a poor reaction to the info you send, maybe stop sending it for now. He is just not ready to dive into learning at this point. If he would be receptive to therapy, maybe that might help him accept the reality and become a supporter instead of an adversary. My son's father was never able to get on board. He wound up withdrawing completely and refused to be honest with the therapist, so that was a bust. I divorced him (for this and a few other reasons) so he isn't in my way anymore. I hope yours can get it together and put actions behind his words because being unsupportive and defensive is not a display of love., He’s grieving and scared., Hi. I'm a dad of a level 3 extremely limited verbally 5yo. I am NT, but I do everything in my power to help my son have as positive an outcome as possible. I pose it like this to people having a hard time connecting or understanding. We need to work as hard for our kids as possible to help them achieve as much as they can. Now I'm not sure how dad's can't jump on board with these diagnoses. I feel it's a defense mechanism that is then fighting back against something they don't understand or think its something they have done wrong. Denial is never a good thing in any tough scenario. Now, all our situations are different, and I don't know the level 1 lower support needs kiddos and how their day to day is. Maybe your son does a ton of things well, and that is what your husband likes to focus on, which can be good. It's great to build on strengths. But you have to be open to the areas of need and work on them just as hard., I was fine with it.. I said think about all the resources that will be available for him. But he said he was worried about him getting picked on., I don’t have a paper copy yet. But I remember they said his score was in the 40s and that measures more level 2 (I guess) but they also score him against other children and that brought him to score of 30 ish so he was level 1. He’s definitely not non verbal. He talks constantly but it’s only gibberish. Very recently he had a big boom in words and even says some sentences. I think the comprehension is there but he really just can’t find the right words ya know? I could be wrong but I think he’s just not worried about it. He’s like.. nahhh I don’t need to know all that I’m just gonna play with my cars. Haha 😅🥹, Hi there. We are in the see boat as you — our daughter diagnosed at 3 for autism and delayed speech. She is non-verbal at 4. She is currently using her AAC device to communicate her wants and extremely good at it now. All that is possible cos we used all the help we can get from school and insurance (ABA and speech therapy). We wouldn’t be able to get the help if jot for the diagnosis. It’s great thing that you got your child early diagnosis. The key benefit of the diagnosis is to get your son and the family all the needed help to chart the future. It unlocks helpful resources from IEP, speech therapy to ABA. Your husband’s worry that your son will be picked on needs further looking into. Your son won’t be picked on cos of the diagnosis or getting him the helpful resources he needs. Shifting gear towards what your next actions is more crucial. Once you get into the routine of helping your child, it gets much easier. It took us time to get into the routines of speech. ABA therapy, and IEP for it to become our daily routine. We draw happiness from realization that we are getting our child the help she needed. Wishing you all the best. Patience is your best asset., That’s amazing he is saying sentences. When he talks can he say cat when he picks up a stuffed animal cat or duck in a book. Or say bath when it’s time for bath. Like is he using words in a functional way? It sound like your son is making some leaps and bounds. Even if he is on the spectrum having speech therapy and OT, will help your son and you and your husband a lot., Oh for sure. No it really happened over night. His Early Intervention speech therapist worked with him for a year and we didn’t see a ton of progress.. or rather the kind of progress I wanted. But honestly that’s fine because we learned a lot about what teaching style works. She suggested super simple songs on YouTube and he just bursted into all these words. It’s because he’s a copier but not when you ask him. Only on his terms. So by giving him educational things to copy.. it begins to make sense for him. He can use some words in a functional way.. that’s definitely the next step on our agenda and now that he has more words I think it’ll be a little easier., Neither of you is wrong. He is absolutely right. His behaviours may well be typical toddler behaviours. At 3, it's more difficult to differentiate between the two. Equally, you're embracing this diagnosis, possibly because you relate to elements of your child's character/behaviours that you perhaps share/recognise/empathise with. You're in that researching and wanting to find out everything stage. He's in the denial stage and may well need to go through the grieving and mourning stages before he can even be close to the same place you're in. Personally, I think that at this stage, I'd leave the medical report for him to read somewhere that he knows where it is. And then, in your shoes, if it comforts you, you carry on doing research, but don't pass it on to him at this point., This disorder has a large impact on the parents; I'm sure you know. How each of us processes this can be really different. Some people transition into this quickly, others go in kicking and screaming. It involves having to re-frame your entire view of what you were going to be as a mother/father. All your life's fantasies shatter. Eventually you work out ways to rebuild your reality. He may be having issues with this. He may be hurting, scared, confused and/or lost. When it happened to me, no one ever prepared me for this. I had visions of what I was going to be as a Dad; the things I'd teach, the pseudo-imortality we get when we pass on our life's learning to our children. Even after 9 years of this, I still have moments. Even though I have a background in psychology and a personal history with disabilities, it still took me a while to make this shift. I cannot speak to your situation based on what you dropped, but men are often really bad at expressing our real feelings. Fear often gets turned in to some kind of dominance thing, as if we can argue/fight/will reality to be different. Maybe there is a way you can emotionally Judo him into opening up for a heart-to-heart about whet this all means to you both and how it changes what you wanted with your life. Make sure you end on a positive connecting note. Have these often., Turbo-projecting here, but maybe he doesn't see anything atypical about your son's behavior because it looks a lot like his own childhood behavior that he eventually "grew out of"., Let me guess, he didn't want to get a diagnosis because of the *label*?, lol , are we married to the same husband? I don’t know if my daughter has autism or not but she definitely has a speech delay. We’re taking her to child psychiatrist early next month. My husband is the same, “let her be a baby; stop picking on her “ Picking on her ?! She’s my whole heart. Just bc I want to make sure she gets what she needs doesn’t make me cruel to our daughter if I notice her doing something differently and asking home what he thinks or if he notices something. He does go along with her therapies and Drs appointments but I can’t really talk to him about it . I want another child but I second guess even raising another child with him bc of this attitude. Anyway no advice really, but I understand. Hopefully their ignorance resides., So, I recognize this situation because it's almost exactly like my own. But one thing I had to learn to understand is that my husband and I processed the news in very different ways! How I mourned for a while, he didn't seem very bothered. How I needed to know all the things, he would rather just experience them as they go. And even to this day he will be stubborn and rather try something his own way instead of how I explain it works best for our kids with the risk of it backfiring. But you know? They are dads and we are moms and we get to be different about these things. As long as HE isn't bullying your three year old. As long as HE isn't harming your three year old and as long as he is taking any professional advice and help serious (for example we have a therapist who comes to our house to help guide us through this, and my husband does listen to her.) Then I think that's the most important thing. As long as his actions aren't getting in the way of getting your three year old the best he needs. Then he doesn't have to read every info graphic and webpage. He just needs to show up and be dad. ❤️ Big hugs from an auDHD mom who 2 years down the line still sends the infographics. 😉, It's normal and can take awhile to accept for some. My wife and I both cried when my son was diagnosed while walking out of the psych's office. From that point on I was your husband for awhile, and my wife was like you. I think honestly even to today we have different approaches to things as well. She always has been very protective of both of my ASD kids. And I always treated them what I consider "normal". I think the balance has actually been good though. I accepted their diagnoses soon after they were made, but I wasn't going to treat them much differently than our NT child. Both my kids are level 1 as well though, I think in our cases we have if much easier to approach things this way. Anyhow since he is a loving and supportive husband I am sure things will improve. However I also know if he is anything like me his outlook may never be *completely* aligned with your own. My wife and I are a team, but my kids were / are simply run of the mill PITA kids... just with "quirks"., My lg was diagnosed at 3. The truth is, at that age, you can’t be truly sure how anything will pan out; what can develop over time or what will always be struggles; what things are because of ASD, because of speech and language issues or what are personality traits that your child would have if they were NT. What I can say is that early interventions will always help. My lg barely spoke and could understand very little a year ago. I accepted that perhaps that would always be the case, but with speech and language therapy, Portage and everyone in her life factoring her needs as a person with autism, she’s come on leaps and bounds. If none of those things had happened perhaps there’d have been little improvement - in fact, a year later with no accommodations or adaptations she might find the world more overwhelming, unintelligible and distressing than she did back then. You’re doing the right things. Denial doesn’t make needs go away - your partner may need more time to process the diagnosis, but ultimately they’re going to have to get used to it for the sake of your child., Autism parent that just got rolled over and demolished by ADHD girlfriend… plus abandoned by child’s biological mother… What inspires you, concerns you or what media you consume isn’t applicable to someone that is grieving over the reality of raising ND child Your hands on? Caregiver? Same here. They won’t get it blunt force. Science, journals or communities like this won’t register to your SO Set him up to be responsible for your child. Alone. Take that time for yourself, so you can be strong parent tomorrow or next week. He will figure it out at his own pace And yes, you have to separate the autism behaviors from typical childhood development. We get to juggle both, Have your husband go to an OT appointment with your son, sometimes it take a professional, or go to family counselling with your son so he can hear it from a psychiatrist. Does your son have any friends? Getting him therapy can help with that. Also if he’s level one with speech, he must have a lot of positives, do you know why they think just level 1?, Working in early intervention for 15 years, I saw this a lot. It was disproportionately dads that had trouble accepting a diagnosis (sorry to the dads, this is just my experience). He is probably coming from a point of ignorance regarding what autism is, and also desperately not wanting this for his child (who could blame him). If he is having a poor reaction to the info you send, maybe stop sending it for now. He is just not ready to dive into learning at this point. If he would be receptive to therapy, maybe that might help him accept the reality and become a supporter instead of an adversary. My son's father was never able to get on board. He wound up withdrawing completely and refused to be honest with the therapist, so that was a bust. I divorced him (for this and a few other reasons) so he isn't in my way anymore. I hope yours can get it together and put actions behind his words because being unsupportive and defensive is not a display of love., He’s grieving and scared., Hi. I'm a dad of a level 3 extremely limited verbally 5yo. I am NT, but I do everything in my power to help my son have as positive an outcome as possible. I pose it like this to people having a hard time connecting or understanding. We need to work as hard for our kids as possible to help them achieve as much as they can. Now I'm not sure how dad's can't jump on board with these diagnoses. I feel it's a defense mechanism that is then fighting back against something they don't understand or think its something they have done wrong. Denial is never a good thing in any tough scenario. Now, all our situations are different, and I don't know the level 1 lower support needs kiddos and how their day to day is. Maybe your son does a ton of things well, and that is what your husband likes to focus on, which can be good. It's great to build on strengths. But you have to be open to the areas of need and work on them just as hard., I was fine with it.. I said think about all the resources that will be available for him. But he said he was worried about him getting picked on., I don’t have a paper copy yet. But I remember they said his score was in the 40s and that measures more level 2 (I guess) but they also score him against other children and that brought him to score of 30 ish so he was level 1. He’s definitely not non verbal. He talks constantly but it’s only gibberish. Very recently he had a big boom in words and even says some sentences. I think the comprehension is there but he really just can’t find the right words ya know? I could be wrong but I think he’s just not worried about it. He’s like.. nahhh I don’t need to know all that I’m just gonna play with my cars. Haha 😅🥹, Hi there. We are in the see boat as you — our daughter diagnosed at 3 for autism and delayed speech. She is non-verbal at 4. She is currently using her AAC device to communicate her wants and extremely good at it now. All that is possible cos we used all the help we can get from school and insurance (ABA and speech therapy). We wouldn’t be able to get the help if jot for the diagnosis. It’s great thing that you got your child early diagnosis. The key benefit of the diagnosis is to get your son and the family all the needed help to chart the future. It unlocks helpful resources from IEP, speech therapy to ABA. Your husband’s worry that your son will be picked on needs further looking into. Your son won’t be picked on cos of the diagnosis or getting him the helpful resources he needs. Shifting gear towards what your next actions is more crucial. Once you get into the routine of helping your child, it gets much easier. It took us time to get into the routines of speech. ABA therapy, and IEP for it to become our daily routine. We draw happiness from realization that we are getting our child the help she needed. Wishing you all the best. Patience is your best asset., That’s amazing he is saying sentences. When he talks can he say cat when he picks up a stuffed animal cat or duck in a book. Or say bath when it’s time for bath. Like is he using words in a functional way? It sound like your son is making some leaps and bounds. Even if he is on the spectrum having speech therapy and OT, will help your son and you and your husband a lot., Oh for sure. No it really happened over night. His Early Intervention speech therapist worked with him for a year and we didn’t see a ton of progress.. or rather the kind of progress I wanted. But honestly that’s fine because we learned a lot about what teaching style works. She suggested super simple songs on YouTube and he just bursted into all these words. It’s because he’s a copier but not when you ask him. Only on his terms. So by giving him educational things to copy.. it begins to make sense for him. He can use some words in a functional way.. that’s definitely the next step on our agenda and now that he has more words I think it’ll be a little easier.

How do I get my 9 year old child to stop chewing on non edible items?

I've scoured google, I've tried many different methods like chew necklaces (she's embarrassed to bring them to school), offering crunchy vegetables instead. I feel like it's hopeless. She loves to chew on pieces of garbage like foil wrappers from candies, glass beads, random charms off her bracelets, paper. Ect. I'm so worried that she will choke on something. It's really stressful when multiple times a day I have to ask her what's in her mouth and find out it's something that could be a potential choking hazard. What works for you when your child is chewing on something they shouldn't be?

Hey there! It sounds like you've tried a lot! Here are some other tips that might help: \- It's always a good idea to touch base with a healthcare professional like an OT who's familiar with autism. They can offer tailored advice that suits your child's needs. \- Hopefully with the help of OT, figure out what's driving the chewing. Is it sensory-seeking, anxiety, boredom? Once you've got that sorted, you can work on finding safer alternatives. Think silicone chew toys, textured sticks, or chewable bracelets. \- If she's not keen on chew necklaces at school, take it slow. Start with short bursts at home, gradually increasing the time. And involving them in picking out the necklace can make it feel like their choice? \- Help her understand why chewing on random stuff isn't safe. Visual aids or social stories can be super helpful. And don't forget to give heaps of praise when they opt for the right chewable items! \- Make sure teachers and school staff are clued in on what's up. The more everyone's on the same page, the smoother things tend to go. \- Minimize access to the stuff they shouldn't chew on. Childproofing and keeping those items out of reach can go a long way. Every kiddo is different, so it might take a bit of trial and error to find what clicks. Hang in there, you've got this!!!, Our son did this when he had acid reflux and we weren’t aware. Chewing his shirt collars, anything he could tear up and chew on. After he had a trial of a PPI (nexium), it stopped. It could be sensory, or it could be medical. Dr Tim Buie (reputable GI specialist for autistic children) gives a lot on information on his YouTube videos., Have you tried the chew bracelets that look like the plastic hair elastics?, My kid still struggles with this. He swallowed a quarter once so that was fun. The only chewy that works for us was chubuddy strong chew. He can clip it to his shirt and bring it with him everywhere. We’re still struggling but if he has that on he’ll only chew on that. Kid will find anything to chew and if not he’ll chew on clothes so I’m hoping this stage ends. But in the mean time chubuddies are great!, Thank you for your informative reply! 😊 We sat together on Amazon and I ordered some different style chew bracelets that she picked out so I'm hoping that will help since they are a different style than the regular ones. I just recently got a new referral to her paediatrician so we're waiting for that but in the meantime I'm hoping these bracelets will help deter. She luckily has a great teacher who notified me about chewing paper in class and instead they offered her apples to help which has been working for school., I’m so curious as my son goes through spurts of chewing on everything as well, but he’s recently started pushing on his neck/throat and chest. A few months ago he was throat clearing and pushing on the pit of his belly. Now I’m curious if he could have reflux as well. How do doctors find out?, I might add, he is still on the nexium for reflux., That's fantastic to hear! You are awesome for being so proactive – having something she's excited about can make all the difference. And kudos to her teacher for being so supportive and offering alternatives at school. It's all about finding what works, one step at a time. Hang in there, and keep up the great work! 😊👍, Our son’s pediatrician decided to put him on a PPI (nexium) just to see what his response would be because of what we were reporting. He had a slight cough, he would chew his shirt collars, he would put his hand down his throat, trouble sleeping (because it is worse when laying down), Etc. Relief came swiftly for him on Nexium. We followed up with GI specialist., Hey there! It sounds like you've tried a lot! Here are some other tips that might help: \- It's always a good idea to touch base with a healthcare professional like an OT who's familiar with autism. They can offer tailored advice that suits your child's needs. \- Hopefully with the help of OT, figure out what's driving the chewing. Is it sensory-seeking, anxiety, boredom? Once you've got that sorted, you can work on finding safer alternatives. Think silicone chew toys, textured sticks, or chewable bracelets. \- If she's not keen on chew necklaces at school, take it slow. Start with short bursts at home, gradually increasing the time. And involving them in picking out the necklace can make it feel like their choice? \- Help her understand why chewing on random stuff isn't safe. Visual aids or social stories can be super helpful. And don't forget to give heaps of praise when they opt for the right chewable items! \- Make sure teachers and school staff are clued in on what's up. The more everyone's on the same page, the smoother things tend to go. \- Minimize access to the stuff they shouldn't chew on. Childproofing and keeping those items out of reach can go a long way. Every kiddo is different, so it might take a bit of trial and error to find what clicks. Hang in there, you've got this!!!, Our son did this when he had acid reflux and we weren’t aware. Chewing his shirt collars, anything he could tear up and chew on. After he had a trial of a PPI (nexium), it stopped. It could be sensory, or it could be medical. Dr Tim Buie (reputable GI specialist for autistic children) gives a lot on information on his YouTube videos., Have you tried the chew bracelets that look like the plastic hair elastics?, My kid still struggles with this. He swallowed a quarter once so that was fun. The only chewy that works for us was chubuddy strong chew. He can clip it to his shirt and bring it with him everywhere. We’re still struggling but if he has that on he’ll only chew on that. Kid will find anything to chew and if not he’ll chew on clothes so I’m hoping this stage ends. But in the mean time chubuddies are great!, Thank you for your informative reply! 😊 We sat together on Amazon and I ordered some different style chew bracelets that she picked out so I'm hoping that will help since they are a different style than the regular ones. I just recently got a new referral to her paediatrician so we're waiting for that but in the meantime I'm hoping these bracelets will help deter. She luckily has a great teacher who notified me about chewing paper in class and instead they offered her apples to help which has been working for school., I’m so curious as my son goes through spurts of chewing on everything as well, but he’s recently started pushing on his neck/throat and chest. A few months ago he was throat clearing and pushing on the pit of his belly. Now I’m curious if he could have reflux as well. How do doctors find out?, I might add, he is still on the nexium for reflux., That's fantastic to hear! You are awesome for being so proactive – having something she's excited about can make all the difference. And kudos to her teacher for being so supportive and offering alternatives at school. It's all about finding what works, one step at a time. Hang in there, and keep up the great work! 😊👍, Our son’s pediatrician decided to put him on a PPI (nexium) just to see what his response would be because of what we were reporting. He had a slight cough, he would chew his shirt collars, he would put his hand down his throat, trouble sleeping (because it is worse when laying down), Etc. Relief came swiftly for him on Nexium. We followed up with GI specialist., Hey there! It sounds like you've tried a lot! Here are some other tips that might help: \- It's always a good idea to touch base with a healthcare professional like an OT who's familiar with autism. They can offer tailored advice that suits your child's needs. \- Hopefully with the help of OT, figure out what's driving the chewing. Is it sensory-seeking, anxiety, boredom? Once you've got that sorted, you can work on finding safer alternatives. Think silicone chew toys, textured sticks, or chewable bracelets. \- If she's not keen on chew necklaces at school, take it slow. Start with short bursts at home, gradually increasing the time. And involving them in picking out the necklace can make it feel like their choice? \- Help her understand why chewing on random stuff isn't safe. Visual aids or social stories can be super helpful. And don't forget to give heaps of praise when they opt for the right chewable items! \- Make sure teachers and school staff are clued in on what's up. The more everyone's on the same page, the smoother things tend to go. \- Minimize access to the stuff they shouldn't chew on. Childproofing and keeping those items out of reach can go a long way. Every kiddo is different, so it might take a bit of trial and error to find what clicks. Hang in there, you've got this!!!, Our son did this when he had acid reflux and we weren’t aware. Chewing his shirt collars, anything he could tear up and chew on. After he had a trial of a PPI (nexium), it stopped. It could be sensory, or it could be medical. Dr Tim Buie (reputable GI specialist for autistic children) gives a lot on information on his YouTube videos., Have you tried the chew bracelets that look like the plastic hair elastics?, My kid still struggles with this. He swallowed a quarter once so that was fun. The only chewy that works for us was chubuddy strong chew. He can clip it to his shirt and bring it with him everywhere. We’re still struggling but if he has that on he’ll only chew on that. Kid will find anything to chew and if not he’ll chew on clothes so I’m hoping this stage ends. But in the mean time chubuddies are great!, Thank you for your informative reply! 😊 We sat together on Amazon and I ordered some different style chew bracelets that she picked out so I'm hoping that will help since they are a different style than the regular ones. I just recently got a new referral to her paediatrician so we're waiting for that but in the meantime I'm hoping these bracelets will help deter. She luckily has a great teacher who notified me about chewing paper in class and instead they offered her apples to help which has been working for school., I’m so curious as my son goes through spurts of chewing on everything as well, but he’s recently started pushing on his neck/throat and chest. A few months ago he was throat clearing and pushing on the pit of his belly. Now I’m curious if he could have reflux as well. How do doctors find out?, I might add, he is still on the nexium for reflux., That's fantastic to hear! You are awesome for being so proactive – having something she's excited about can make all the difference. And kudos to her teacher for being so supportive and offering alternatives at school. It's all about finding what works, one step at a time. Hang in there, and keep up the great work! 😊👍, Our son’s pediatrician decided to put him on a PPI (nexium) just to see what his response would be because of what we were reporting. He had a slight cough, he would chew his shirt collars, he would put his hand down his throat, trouble sleeping (because it is worse when laying down), Etc. Relief came swiftly for him on Nexium. We followed up with GI specialist., Hey there! It sounds like you've tried a lot! Here are some other tips that might help: \- It's always a good idea to touch base with a healthcare professional like an OT who's familiar with autism. They can offer tailored advice that suits your child's needs. \- Hopefully with the help of OT, figure out what's driving the chewing. Is it sensory-seeking, anxiety, boredom? Once you've got that sorted, you can work on finding safer alternatives. Think silicone chew toys, textured sticks, or chewable bracelets. \- If she's not keen on chew necklaces at school, take it slow. Start with short bursts at home, gradually increasing the time. And involving them in picking out the necklace can make it feel like their choice? \- Help her understand why chewing on random stuff isn't safe. Visual aids or social stories can be super helpful. And don't forget to give heaps of praise when they opt for the right chewable items! \- Make sure teachers and school staff are clued in on what's up. The more everyone's on the same page, the smoother things tend to go. \- Minimize access to the stuff they shouldn't chew on. Childproofing and keeping those items out of reach can go a long way. Every kiddo is different, so it might take a bit of trial and error to find what clicks. Hang in there, you've got this!!!, Our son did this when he had acid reflux and we weren’t aware. Chewing his shirt collars, anything he could tear up and chew on. After he had a trial of a PPI (nexium), it stopped. It could be sensory, or it could be medical. Dr Tim Buie (reputable GI specialist for autistic children) gives a lot on information on his YouTube videos., Have you tried the chew bracelets that look like the plastic hair elastics?, My kid still struggles with this. He swallowed a quarter once so that was fun. The only chewy that works for us was chubuddy strong chew. He can clip it to his shirt and bring it with him everywhere. We’re still struggling but if he has that on he’ll only chew on that. Kid will find anything to chew and if not he’ll chew on clothes so I’m hoping this stage ends. But in the mean time chubuddies are great!, Thank you for your informative reply! 😊 We sat together on Amazon and I ordered some different style chew bracelets that she picked out so I'm hoping that will help since they are a different style than the regular ones. I just recently got a new referral to her paediatrician so we're waiting for that but in the meantime I'm hoping these bracelets will help deter. She luckily has a great teacher who notified me about chewing paper in class and instead they offered her apples to help which has been working for school., I’m so curious as my son goes through spurts of chewing on everything as well, but he’s recently started pushing on his neck/throat and chest. A few months ago he was throat clearing and pushing on the pit of his belly. Now I’m curious if he could have reflux as well. How do doctors find out?, I might add, he is still on the nexium for reflux., That's fantastic to hear! You are awesome for being so proactive – having something she's excited about can make all the difference. And kudos to her teacher for being so supportive and offering alternatives at school. It's all about finding what works, one step at a time. Hang in there, and keep up the great work! 😊👍, Our son’s pediatrician decided to put him on a PPI (nexium) just to see what his response would be because of what we were reporting. He had a slight cough, he would chew his shirt collars, he would put his hand down his throat, trouble sleeping (because it is worse when laying down), Etc. Relief came swiftly for him on Nexium. We followed up with GI specialist.

How do I get my child to brush his teeth?

My 3yr old refuses to let me brush his teeth. He has a dentist appointment next week, but I’m scared for it. He doesn’t let anybody in or around his mouth. I try my best with it, but it’s hard to brush his teeth alone when he’s half my size. I’ve tried a vibrating toothbrush and he HATED it.

[deleted], I’m trying to sound as nice as possible here, but we hold him down and brush super hard for at least 30 seconds. The first 5 seconds suck and then he usually relaxes. Look, I am all for body autonomy and taking our time and letting our children make choices for their bodies… but there are a few non- negotiable things and teeth brushing is one of them. My ND son’s teeth were going downhill fast (due to his love for whole milk) and we were quoted about 1500$ to put him under, do X-rays, and fill any cavities. That cost only covered the cavities they could see which was 4. Instead we got serious about teeth brushing and did the silver on his teeth. His teeth look so much better. And we ALWAYS end on a happy note that he did such a great job and high fives. Even if he didn’t, lol. I felt like such a failure so please know that kids get cavities! Lots of kids! Our kids dentist is understanding to our situation but also very stern that brushing every night isn’t an option, it’s a *necessity*, Try a u-shaped brush. It's done wonders here for that awful (2 year) period that he didn't want to use a normal brush. AFAIK It's not as good as a normal brush, but It's definitely better than not brushing at all. Best of Luck!, Between 3-4, brushing teeth was a nightly meltdown (among many other meltdowns)., Whoever figures the answer to this one out deserves a medal. Cause I still can't get my 11yo to do it. I've tried rewards (toys, screen time, straight money!, adventures).. consequences... telling him his breath stinks.. scare tactics from dentists... nothing., In that age, we had 2 go-to solutions (one of which is highly frowned upon by society) 1. He was allowed to watch videos on a tablet during that time (worked quite ok) 2. We played like the toothbrush would talk to him and ask him nicely whether it can have a look around in his mouth, and generally said a lot of funny stuff. That was also a big helper - also for us, because it made the experience more fun. And on some bad days, it helps to remember: Everything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Wish you all the best!, We've got various different types of toothbrushes and try to make it fun with different flavored toothpaste. My 3yo (almost 4yo) has his first dentist appointment tomorrow, and I'm nervous about it, too. 😬, Have you try something like this? https://www.amazon.com/Toothbrush-Sensitive-Micro-Nano-Bristle-Cleaning/dp/B07W55BV6M, Up until last month my oldest hated tooth paste so he was using kids mouthwash, so maybe that might help even if he just puts it in his mouth and spits it right back out. So you can work on getting to the teeth brushing part. Also if you're going to a little kids dentist be honest with them about what is going on and they should understand., Ill tell you how. Get the hello brand kids toothpaste flavors dragon dazzle wild strawberry and unicorn sparkle on amazon. Get the kids soft toothbrushes ,get a multipack, all different colors and characters if apply, and let them brush and try it themselves, I got a Melissa and Doug dentist play set and we keep the big set of teeth in the bathroom for him to do while I do his, maybe something like that would help? This is it: https://a.co/d/g9pCyHu, Ok stupid thing. Lots of people have what is called burning mouth syndrome. It's the reason I hated brushing my teeth, it's an annoyance to full mouth sores and allergy to peppermint and cinnamon. It tastes like a shot of alcohol to me. So brushing my teeth literally hurt. Now I never have to worry about it again haha ... I got them all pulled. Lots of other flavors still contain mint so read the ingredients. Bubblegum has it in most so you can't rely on that either. The only way I can describe it is it feels like burning. Turns out it's more likely in autistic as well because of sensitivity., There's a finger toothbrush that might be easier. It's usually used for babies but it will clean his teeth. Also, make sure your dentist is aware that your child is autistic and the clinic is ready for him. There are social stories you can use to make the dental office more familiar. Go slowly and get your child's buy-in. Our dentist was amazing with my son and now my son wants to make Dr Jeff proud so he brushes, flosses, and uses fluoride rinse without complaints., I've tried everything I think Games, apps, videos, different brushes, different flavors, unflavored, rewards, time out until you brush... It's just really effing hard with some kids. We try an option to try to get her to do it or participate. If that doesn't work... We hold her down and brush her teeth. On a good day it takes one of us, on a bad day both of us. It feels horrible. I've had to talk to my therapist about it when we had a long stretch of difficult brushing because it just feels wrong. But she already has a (shallow) cavity, we have to for her health and the hope is one day she gets over it and does it herself. My therapist only sees adults and tries to affirm for me, she works with a lot of autistic adults who have no teeth or full replacements, dentures, or generally awful dental health and that I'm doing the right thing even though it feels bad. We have intermittent success with high value rewards. Ex., more than any activity or food she loves playing this Mario game, brush your teeth for Mario game. It still takes time and finagling, she often doesn't do it herself but if she wants the thing enough she'll sometimes at least open wide and allow one of us to brush her teeth willingly. And she does *not* get the game or reward without the job getting done. Also we have sometimes novelty success for about a week after a new toothbrush or new method (I started offering a bouquet of different toothbrushes for she to choose from and that helped for a week or two before it didn't help anymore)., I second the U toothbrush. My son hated bringing since forever. Every dentist appointment was torture too and he always needed work done because of the lack of brushing properly. I was able to get maybe about 30 seconds in till he was 11. I started with plain water, just the brush. Worked my way to a smudge of toothpaste then more.At 11 he started letting me do it correctly. What happened? He needed dental surgery for 6 cavities. He hated it. Big hospital, painful recovery after. I explained to him we there it was because he doesn't brush his teeth so dentist has to operate on his mouth.  Literally, the next day he opened up. Taking awhile to get it right on his own, but we do it together every day and he's getting better. No cavities at every check up so far. The trauma of the surgery was a turning point. He prefers the U brush still. , Have you seen goaly? It’s a tablet that is designed for our kids and you can build routines in it and they win coins for completing tasks and routines. It helped us instantly with tooth brushing and bedtime. Highly recommend, Find a paediatric dentist that specialises in autism if you can. Regular dentists are not likely to be able to treat your child. We had to hold our son while the dentist inspected the teeth. Lots of crying and stuff at first. After a few years of 6 monthly checkups he finally let the dentist brush his teeth. Now he lets me clean his teeth morning & night. It was gruelling work over the years but better than having rotten teeth., Also buy every flavor! My kiddo hates anything with the fake banana but loves the watermelon. The flavors are weird so maybe having a choice to see what tastes good may help., We call them "Important Things" and they are the very clear and only exceptions to bodily autonomy in our house. Wiping your poopy butt, non-negotiable. Brushing your teeth, non-negotiable. Taking medicine when needed, non-negotiable. Her "no's" are all-powerful in our house... **except** when it comes to her health and her safety, and I work hard to make sure she understands that that's the distinction. Now. It was a learning curve 😅, When did you start brushing your son’s teeth? My son (undiagnosed but delayed in all areas) is 16 months old. I try to brush his teeth at least once a day with a silicone brush. He’s usually tolerant of it, but I’m not sure how great a job I’m doing of actually cleaning his teeth. His bottom teeth also touch but my attempts at using floss picks have failed. He just shuts his mouth so right. I worry about his teeth, especially since I had a ton of cavities as a toddler and had to go under general anesthesia to get dental work done., That’s basically what I have to do as well. I fear I’m not getting it good enough because he’s starting to get brown stains on the back of his upper teeth, I have! I get those a lot for myself because I get suuupper sensitive gums and he is just not a fan of anything. He will chew on the ends, though., I get that. I’m the same way and I’m actually allergic to cinnamon myself. I get toothpaste that has baking soda in it, because that is more bearable to me. For him I think he just genuinely hates his mouth being messed with. He used to love brushing his teeth, but hates it now, I don’t think that’s something he could comprehend, honestly. He doesn’t even mess with my phone or anything, [deleted], I’m trying to sound as nice as possible here, but we hold him down and brush super hard for at least 30 seconds. The first 5 seconds suck and then he usually relaxes. Look, I am all for body autonomy and taking our time and letting our children make choices for their bodies… but there are a few non- negotiable things and teeth brushing is one of them. My ND son’s teeth were going downhill fast (due to his love for whole milk) and we were quoted about 1500$ to put him under, do X-rays, and fill any cavities. That cost only covered the cavities they could see which was 4. Instead we got serious about teeth brushing and did the silver on his teeth. His teeth look so much better. And we ALWAYS end on a happy note that he did such a great job and high fives. Even if he didn’t, lol. I felt like such a failure so please know that kids get cavities! Lots of kids! Our kids dentist is understanding to our situation but also very stern that brushing every night isn’t an option, it’s a *necessity*, Try a u-shaped brush. It's done wonders here for that awful (2 year) period that he didn't want to use a normal brush. AFAIK It's not as good as a normal brush, but It's definitely better than not brushing at all. Best of Luck!, Between 3-4, brushing teeth was a nightly meltdown (among many other meltdowns)., Whoever figures the answer to this one out deserves a medal. Cause I still can't get my 11yo to do it. I've tried rewards (toys, screen time, straight money!, adventures).. consequences... telling him his breath stinks.. scare tactics from dentists... nothing., In that age, we had 2 go-to solutions (one of which is highly frowned upon by society) 1. He was allowed to watch videos on a tablet during that time (worked quite ok) 2. We played like the toothbrush would talk to him and ask him nicely whether it can have a look around in his mouth, and generally said a lot of funny stuff. That was also a big helper - also for us, because it made the experience more fun. And on some bad days, it helps to remember: Everything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Wish you all the best!, We've got various different types of toothbrushes and try to make it fun with different flavored toothpaste. My 3yo (almost 4yo) has his first dentist appointment tomorrow, and I'm nervous about it, too. 😬, Have you try something like this? https://www.amazon.com/Toothbrush-Sensitive-Micro-Nano-Bristle-Cleaning/dp/B07W55BV6M, Up until last month my oldest hated tooth paste so he was using kids mouthwash, so maybe that might help even if he just puts it in his mouth and spits it right back out. So you can work on getting to the teeth brushing part. Also if you're going to a little kids dentist be honest with them about what is going on and they should understand., Ill tell you how. Get the hello brand kids toothpaste flavors dragon dazzle wild strawberry and unicorn sparkle on amazon. Get the kids soft toothbrushes ,get a multipack, all different colors and characters if apply, and let them brush and try it themselves, I got a Melissa and Doug dentist play set and we keep the big set of teeth in the bathroom for him to do while I do his, maybe something like that would help? This is it: https://a.co/d/g9pCyHu, Ok stupid thing. Lots of people have what is called burning mouth syndrome. It's the reason I hated brushing my teeth, it's an annoyance to full mouth sores and allergy to peppermint and cinnamon. It tastes like a shot of alcohol to me. So brushing my teeth literally hurt. Now I never have to worry about it again haha ... I got them all pulled. Lots of other flavors still contain mint so read the ingredients. Bubblegum has it in most so you can't rely on that either. The only way I can describe it is it feels like burning. Turns out it's more likely in autistic as well because of sensitivity., There's a finger toothbrush that might be easier. It's usually used for babies but it will clean his teeth. Also, make sure your dentist is aware that your child is autistic and the clinic is ready for him. There are social stories you can use to make the dental office more familiar. Go slowly and get your child's buy-in. Our dentist was amazing with my son and now my son wants to make Dr Jeff proud so he brushes, flosses, and uses fluoride rinse without complaints., I've tried everything I think Games, apps, videos, different brushes, different flavors, unflavored, rewards, time out until you brush... It's just really effing hard with some kids. We try an option to try to get her to do it or participate. If that doesn't work... We hold her down and brush her teeth. On a good day it takes one of us, on a bad day both of us. It feels horrible. I've had to talk to my therapist about it when we had a long stretch of difficult brushing because it just feels wrong. But she already has a (shallow) cavity, we have to for her health and the hope is one day she gets over it and does it herself. My therapist only sees adults and tries to affirm for me, she works with a lot of autistic adults who have no teeth or full replacements, dentures, or generally awful dental health and that I'm doing the right thing even though it feels bad. We have intermittent success with high value rewards. Ex., more than any activity or food she loves playing this Mario game, brush your teeth for Mario game. It still takes time and finagling, she often doesn't do it herself but if she wants the thing enough she'll sometimes at least open wide and allow one of us to brush her teeth willingly. And she does *not* get the game or reward without the job getting done. Also we have sometimes novelty success for about a week after a new toothbrush or new method (I started offering a bouquet of different toothbrushes for she to choose from and that helped for a week or two before it didn't help anymore)., I second the U toothbrush. My son hated bringing since forever. Every dentist appointment was torture too and he always needed work done because of the lack of brushing properly. I was able to get maybe about 30 seconds in till he was 11. I started with plain water, just the brush. Worked my way to a smudge of toothpaste then more.At 11 he started letting me do it correctly. What happened? He needed dental surgery for 6 cavities. He hated it. Big hospital, painful recovery after. I explained to him we there it was because he doesn't brush his teeth so dentist has to operate on his mouth.  Literally, the next day he opened up. Taking awhile to get it right on his own, but we do it together every day and he's getting better. No cavities at every check up so far. The trauma of the surgery was a turning point. He prefers the U brush still. , Have you seen goaly? It’s a tablet that is designed for our kids and you can build routines in it and they win coins for completing tasks and routines. It helped us instantly with tooth brushing and bedtime. Highly recommend, Find a paediatric dentist that specialises in autism if you can. Regular dentists are not likely to be able to treat your child. We had to hold our son while the dentist inspected the teeth. Lots of crying and stuff at first. After a few years of 6 monthly checkups he finally let the dentist brush his teeth. Now he lets me clean his teeth morning & night. It was gruelling work over the years but better than having rotten teeth., Also buy every flavor! My kiddo hates anything with the fake banana but loves the watermelon. The flavors are weird so maybe having a choice to see what tastes good may help., We call them "Important Things" and they are the very clear and only exceptions to bodily autonomy in our house. Wiping your poopy butt, non-negotiable. Brushing your teeth, non-negotiable. Taking medicine when needed, non-negotiable. Her "no's" are all-powerful in our house... **except** when it comes to her health and her safety, and I work hard to make sure she understands that that's the distinction. Now. It was a learning curve 😅, When did you start brushing your son’s teeth? My son (undiagnosed but delayed in all areas) is 16 months old. I try to brush his teeth at least once a day with a silicone brush. He’s usually tolerant of it, but I’m not sure how great a job I’m doing of actually cleaning his teeth. His bottom teeth also touch but my attempts at using floss picks have failed. He just shuts his mouth so right. I worry about his teeth, especially since I had a ton of cavities as a toddler and had to go under general anesthesia to get dental work done., That’s basically what I have to do as well. I fear I’m not getting it good enough because he’s starting to get brown stains on the back of his upper teeth, I have! I get those a lot for myself because I get suuupper sensitive gums and he is just not a fan of anything. He will chew on the ends, though., I get that. I’m the same way and I’m actually allergic to cinnamon myself. I get toothpaste that has baking soda in it, because that is more bearable to me. For him I think he just genuinely hates his mouth being messed with. He used to love brushing his teeth, but hates it now, I don’t think that’s something he could comprehend, honestly. He doesn’t even mess with my phone or anything, [deleted], I’m trying to sound as nice as possible here, but we hold him down and brush super hard for at least 30 seconds. The first 5 seconds suck and then he usually relaxes. Look, I am all for body autonomy and taking our time and letting our children make choices for their bodies… but there are a few non- negotiable things and teeth brushing is one of them. My ND son’s teeth were going downhill fast (due to his love for whole milk) and we were quoted about 1500$ to put him under, do X-rays, and fill any cavities. That cost only covered the cavities they could see which was 4. Instead we got serious about teeth brushing and did the silver on his teeth. His teeth look so much better. And we ALWAYS end on a happy note that he did such a great job and high fives. Even if he didn’t, lol. I felt like such a failure so please know that kids get cavities! Lots of kids! Our kids dentist is understanding to our situation but also very stern that brushing every night isn’t an option, it’s a *necessity*, Try a u-shaped brush. It's done wonders here for that awful (2 year) period that he didn't want to use a normal brush. AFAIK It's not as good as a normal brush, but It's definitely better than not brushing at all. Best of Luck!, Between 3-4, brushing teeth was a nightly meltdown (among many other meltdowns)., Whoever figures the answer to this one out deserves a medal. Cause I still can't get my 11yo to do it. I've tried rewards (toys, screen time, straight money!, adventures).. consequences... telling him his breath stinks.. scare tactics from dentists... nothing., In that age, we had 2 go-to solutions (one of which is highly frowned upon by society) 1. He was allowed to watch videos on a tablet during that time (worked quite ok) 2. We played like the toothbrush would talk to him and ask him nicely whether it can have a look around in his mouth, and generally said a lot of funny stuff. That was also a big helper - also for us, because it made the experience more fun. And on some bad days, it helps to remember: Everything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Wish you all the best!, We've got various different types of toothbrushes and try to make it fun with different flavored toothpaste. My 3yo (almost 4yo) has his first dentist appointment tomorrow, and I'm nervous about it, too. 😬, Have you try something like this? https://www.amazon.com/Toothbrush-Sensitive-Micro-Nano-Bristle-Cleaning/dp/B07W55BV6M, Up until last month my oldest hated tooth paste so he was using kids mouthwash, so maybe that might help even if he just puts it in his mouth and spits it right back out. So you can work on getting to the teeth brushing part. Also if you're going to a little kids dentist be honest with them about what is going on and they should understand., Ill tell you how. Get the hello brand kids toothpaste flavors dragon dazzle wild strawberry and unicorn sparkle on amazon. Get the kids soft toothbrushes ,get a multipack, all different colors and characters if apply, and let them brush and try it themselves, I got a Melissa and Doug dentist play set and we keep the big set of teeth in the bathroom for him to do while I do his, maybe something like that would help? This is it: https://a.co/d/g9pCyHu, Ok stupid thing. Lots of people have what is called burning mouth syndrome. It's the reason I hated brushing my teeth, it's an annoyance to full mouth sores and allergy to peppermint and cinnamon. It tastes like a shot of alcohol to me. So brushing my teeth literally hurt. Now I never have to worry about it again haha ... I got them all pulled. Lots of other flavors still contain mint so read the ingredients. Bubblegum has it in most so you can't rely on that either. The only way I can describe it is it feels like burning. Turns out it's more likely in autistic as well because of sensitivity., There's a finger toothbrush that might be easier. It's usually used for babies but it will clean his teeth. Also, make sure your dentist is aware that your child is autistic and the clinic is ready for him. There are social stories you can use to make the dental office more familiar. Go slowly and get your child's buy-in. Our dentist was amazing with my son and now my son wants to make Dr Jeff proud so he brushes, flosses, and uses fluoride rinse without complaints., I've tried everything I think Games, apps, videos, different brushes, different flavors, unflavored, rewards, time out until you brush... It's just really effing hard with some kids. We try an option to try to get her to do it or participate. If that doesn't work... We hold her down and brush her teeth. On a good day it takes one of us, on a bad day both of us. It feels horrible. I've had to talk to my therapist about it when we had a long stretch of difficult brushing because it just feels wrong. But she already has a (shallow) cavity, we have to for her health and the hope is one day she gets over it and does it herself. My therapist only sees adults and tries to affirm for me, she works with a lot of autistic adults who have no teeth or full replacements, dentures, or generally awful dental health and that I'm doing the right thing even though it feels bad. We have intermittent success with high value rewards. Ex., more than any activity or food she loves playing this Mario game, brush your teeth for Mario game. It still takes time and finagling, she often doesn't do it herself but if she wants the thing enough she'll sometimes at least open wide and allow one of us to brush her teeth willingly. And she does *not* get the game or reward without the job getting done. Also we have sometimes novelty success for about a week after a new toothbrush or new method (I started offering a bouquet of different toothbrushes for she to choose from and that helped for a week or two before it didn't help anymore)., I second the U toothbrush. My son hated bringing since forever. Every dentist appointment was torture too and he always needed work done because of the lack of brushing properly. I was able to get maybe about 30 seconds in till he was 11. I started with plain water, just the brush. Worked my way to a smudge of toothpaste then more.At 11 he started letting me do it correctly. What happened? He needed dental surgery for 6 cavities. He hated it. Big hospital, painful recovery after. I explained to him we there it was because he doesn't brush his teeth so dentist has to operate on his mouth.  Literally, the next day he opened up. Taking awhile to get it right on his own, but we do it together every day and he's getting better. No cavities at every check up so far. The trauma of the surgery was a turning point. He prefers the U brush still. , Have you seen goaly? It’s a tablet that is designed for our kids and you can build routines in it and they win coins for completing tasks and routines. It helped us instantly with tooth brushing and bedtime. Highly recommend, Find a paediatric dentist that specialises in autism if you can. Regular dentists are not likely to be able to treat your child. We had to hold our son while the dentist inspected the teeth. Lots of crying and stuff at first. After a few years of 6 monthly checkups he finally let the dentist brush his teeth. Now he lets me clean his teeth morning & night. It was gruelling work over the years but better than having rotten teeth., Also buy every flavor! My kiddo hates anything with the fake banana but loves the watermelon. The flavors are weird so maybe having a choice to see what tastes good may help., We call them "Important Things" and they are the very clear and only exceptions to bodily autonomy in our house. Wiping your poopy butt, non-negotiable. Brushing your teeth, non-negotiable. Taking medicine when needed, non-negotiable. Her "no's" are all-powerful in our house... **except** when it comes to her health and her safety, and I work hard to make sure she understands that that's the distinction. Now. It was a learning curve 😅, When did you start brushing your son’s teeth? My son (undiagnosed but delayed in all areas) is 16 months old. I try to brush his teeth at least once a day with a silicone brush. He’s usually tolerant of it, but I’m not sure how great a job I’m doing of actually cleaning his teeth. His bottom teeth also touch but my attempts at using floss picks have failed. He just shuts his mouth so right. I worry about his teeth, especially since I had a ton of cavities as a toddler and had to go under general anesthesia to get dental work done., That’s basically what I have to do as well. I fear I’m not getting it good enough because he’s starting to get brown stains on the back of his upper teeth, I have! I get those a lot for myself because I get suuupper sensitive gums and he is just not a fan of anything. He will chew on the ends, though., I get that. I’m the same way and I’m actually allergic to cinnamon myself. I get toothpaste that has baking soda in it, because that is more bearable to me. For him I think he just genuinely hates his mouth being messed with. He used to love brushing his teeth, but hates it now, I don’t think that’s something he could comprehend, honestly. He doesn’t even mess with my phone or anything, [deleted], I’m trying to sound as nice as possible here, but we hold him down and brush super hard for at least 30 seconds. The first 5 seconds suck and then he usually relaxes. Look, I am all for body autonomy and taking our time and letting our children make choices for their bodies… but there are a few non- negotiable things and teeth brushing is one of them. My ND son’s teeth were going downhill fast (due to his love for whole milk) and we were quoted about 1500$ to put him under, do X-rays, and fill any cavities. That cost only covered the cavities they could see which was 4. Instead we got serious about teeth brushing and did the silver on his teeth. His teeth look so much better. And we ALWAYS end on a happy note that he did such a great job and high fives. Even if he didn’t, lol. I felt like such a failure so please know that kids get cavities! Lots of kids! Our kids dentist is understanding to our situation but also very stern that brushing every night isn’t an option, it’s a *necessity*, Try a u-shaped brush. It's done wonders here for that awful (2 year) period that he didn't want to use a normal brush. AFAIK It's not as good as a normal brush, but It's definitely better than not brushing at all. Best of Luck!, Between 3-4, brushing teeth was a nightly meltdown (among many other meltdowns)., Whoever figures the answer to this one out deserves a medal. Cause I still can't get my 11yo to do it. I've tried rewards (toys, screen time, straight money!, adventures).. consequences... telling him his breath stinks.. scare tactics from dentists... nothing., In that age, we had 2 go-to solutions (one of which is highly frowned upon by society) 1. He was allowed to watch videos on a tablet during that time (worked quite ok) 2. We played like the toothbrush would talk to him and ask him nicely whether it can have a look around in his mouth, and generally said a lot of funny stuff. That was also a big helper - also for us, because it made the experience more fun. And on some bad days, it helps to remember: Everything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Wish you all the best!, We've got various different types of toothbrushes and try to make it fun with different flavored toothpaste. My 3yo (almost 4yo) has his first dentist appointment tomorrow, and I'm nervous about it, too. 😬, Have you try something like this? https://www.amazon.com/Toothbrush-Sensitive-Micro-Nano-Bristle-Cleaning/dp/B07W55BV6M, Up until last month my oldest hated tooth paste so he was using kids mouthwash, so maybe that might help even if he just puts it in his mouth and spits it right back out. So you can work on getting to the teeth brushing part. Also if you're going to a little kids dentist be honest with them about what is going on and they should understand., Ill tell you how. Get the hello brand kids toothpaste flavors dragon dazzle wild strawberry and unicorn sparkle on amazon. Get the kids soft toothbrushes ,get a multipack, all different colors and characters if apply, and let them brush and try it themselves, I got a Melissa and Doug dentist play set and we keep the big set of teeth in the bathroom for him to do while I do his, maybe something like that would help? This is it: https://a.co/d/g9pCyHu, Ok stupid thing. Lots of people have what is called burning mouth syndrome. It's the reason I hated brushing my teeth, it's an annoyance to full mouth sores and allergy to peppermint and cinnamon. It tastes like a shot of alcohol to me. So brushing my teeth literally hurt. Now I never have to worry about it again haha ... I got them all pulled. Lots of other flavors still contain mint so read the ingredients. Bubblegum has it in most so you can't rely on that either. The only way I can describe it is it feels like burning. Turns out it's more likely in autistic as well because of sensitivity., There's a finger toothbrush that might be easier. It's usually used for babies but it will clean his teeth. Also, make sure your dentist is aware that your child is autistic and the clinic is ready for him. There are social stories you can use to make the dental office more familiar. Go slowly and get your child's buy-in. Our dentist was amazing with my son and now my son wants to make Dr Jeff proud so he brushes, flosses, and uses fluoride rinse without complaints., I've tried everything I think Games, apps, videos, different brushes, different flavors, unflavored, rewards, time out until you brush... It's just really effing hard with some kids. We try an option to try to get her to do it or participate. If that doesn't work... We hold her down and brush her teeth. On a good day it takes one of us, on a bad day both of us. It feels horrible. I've had to talk to my therapist about it when we had a long stretch of difficult brushing because it just feels wrong. But she already has a (shallow) cavity, we have to for her health and the hope is one day she gets over it and does it herself. My therapist only sees adults and tries to affirm for me, she works with a lot of autistic adults who have no teeth or full replacements, dentures, or generally awful dental health and that I'm doing the right thing even though it feels bad. We have intermittent success with high value rewards. Ex., more than any activity or food she loves playing this Mario game, brush your teeth for Mario game. It still takes time and finagling, she often doesn't do it herself but if she wants the thing enough she'll sometimes at least open wide and allow one of us to brush her teeth willingly. And she does *not* get the game or reward without the job getting done. Also we have sometimes novelty success for about a week after a new toothbrush or new method (I started offering a bouquet of different toothbrushes for she to choose from and that helped for a week or two before it didn't help anymore)., I second the U toothbrush. My son hated bringing since forever. Every dentist appointment was torture too and he always needed work done because of the lack of brushing properly. I was able to get maybe about 30 seconds in till he was 11. I started with plain water, just the brush. Worked my way to a smudge of toothpaste then more.At 11 he started letting me do it correctly. What happened? He needed dental surgery for 6 cavities. He hated it. Big hospital, painful recovery after. I explained to him we there it was because he doesn't brush his teeth so dentist has to operate on his mouth.  Literally, the next day he opened up. Taking awhile to get it right on his own, but we do it together every day and he's getting better. No cavities at every check up so far. The trauma of the surgery was a turning point. He prefers the U brush still. , Have you seen goaly? It’s a tablet that is designed for our kids and you can build routines in it and they win coins for completing tasks and routines. It helped us instantly with tooth brushing and bedtime. Highly recommend, Find a paediatric dentist that specialises in autism if you can. Regular dentists are not likely to be able to treat your child. We had to hold our son while the dentist inspected the teeth. Lots of crying and stuff at first. After a few years of 6 monthly checkups he finally let the dentist brush his teeth. Now he lets me clean his teeth morning & night. It was gruelling work over the years but better than having rotten teeth., Also buy every flavor! My kiddo hates anything with the fake banana but loves the watermelon. The flavors are weird so maybe having a choice to see what tastes good may help., We call them "Important Things" and they are the very clear and only exceptions to bodily autonomy in our house. Wiping your poopy butt, non-negotiable. Brushing your teeth, non-negotiable. Taking medicine when needed, non-negotiable. Her "no's" are all-powerful in our house... **except** when it comes to her health and her safety, and I work hard to make sure she understands that that's the distinction. Now. It was a learning curve 😅, When did you start brushing your son’s teeth? My son (undiagnosed but delayed in all areas) is 16 months old. I try to brush his teeth at least once a day with a silicone brush. He’s usually tolerant of it, but I’m not sure how great a job I’m doing of actually cleaning his teeth. His bottom teeth also touch but my attempts at using floss picks have failed. He just shuts his mouth so right. I worry about his teeth, especially since I had a ton of cavities as a toddler and had to go under general anesthesia to get dental work done., That’s basically what I have to do as well. I fear I’m not getting it good enough because he’s starting to get brown stains on the back of his upper teeth, I have! I get those a lot for myself because I get suuupper sensitive gums and he is just not a fan of anything. He will chew on the ends, though., I get that. I’m the same way and I’m actually allergic to cinnamon myself. I get toothpaste that has baking soda in it, because that is more bearable to me. For him I think he just genuinely hates his mouth being messed with. He used to love brushing his teeth, but hates it now, I don’t think that’s something he could comprehend, honestly. He doesn’t even mess with my phone or anything

How do I get my parents to understand so we can stop fighting?

I'm 45, recently diagnosed with autism. Adhd at 17. I've been living on my own and barely scraping by. My life took a sudden turn leading me to find out I had autism. I lost everything. I asked if I could stay with them till I figured things out. Well, I did. I'm AuDHD with low support needs. My parents can't seem to understand. How can I make a 75w and 81m understand?

You don’t. Nothing about you has changed for them. You are the same person you were yesterday and will be tomorrow. Use the information to better yourself rather than worrying about changing them. You are a grown adult. You’ve clearly offended whomever wrote that note to you. Start by apologizing and taking accountability for your actions. Start with gratitude for them giving you housing when you had whatever turn in life you had, you weren’t owed this. Maybe start by helping with something you know they need done., If you depend on your parents so much still, then be pragmatic about it. Be respectful, be kind, get along, be easy going. Theyre doing a lot for you, more than is usually expected at their age., Are you really abusive and calling them names?, There is not enough context here. Shes saying a lot of things that I don’t know are true or not., Family therapy is one option. It can really help to have a neutral third party get to the root of your conflict., Your parents are elderly, and you are fully grown at 45. Autism diagnosis is not a reason to treat elderly parents badly. Therapy can greatly help you gain perspective in how to treat the people around you better. And autism doesn't make people "mean" or say mean things. You may have other things going on you need to address to be a better human. It starts with you. You should defintely find another living situation as this arrangement does not sound good for any of you., You can't. To be blunt, it sounds like you are being at the very least verbally abusive to them, and need to take a serious look at yourself., You can’t, these are your own battles you need to fight and overcome. There are limits to everything, and one you are a fully conscious sentient being, you are responsible for your actions. You understand words, know their meaning, you know right from wrong. Your parents need healing and time apart, indicated by them not willing to forgive. As for you, edification in Christ., Adhd is not an excuse. Austism is not an excuse. I'd suggest starting with self reflection on 1. What made you think you have autism at 45? And 2. What happened to make you "lose it all"? You can practice with us and let us know the full story. But it sounds like it's not going to be a simple conversation., No. My mother is the only one who wants to fight. She has BPD. She constantly feels like shit about herself and projects that on others. Her feelings become her reality. I just want her to understand that autists and neurotypicals communicate differently, therefore miscommunication. I think she's too old to change though., She has BPD. Her emotions become her reality., Yes. Best route. Expensive though. My parents have a habit of calling them quacks as soon as they don't like what they hear. This family has had lots of therapy, doesn't seem to stick with them. Mother is BPD and father is NPD, codependent relationship for almost 50 years., The arguments are commonly with my mother who has BPD. There is no logic in a BPD brain. The migdula (fight or flight part of the brain) is all that develops. If I'm straightforward and blunt (which all autists are, it's litterally a symptom) she gets offended and says in being abusive. I don't start the arguments and I can't get away(she follows me).

How do I get my toddler to stop eating paint chips?

We have a 4 year old, she is a level 2, and she constantly picks at the walls until she can peel the paint and eats it. She doesn’t swallow it, and will give me the pieces after chewing on them. She’s been doing this for a couple of months and I’m not sure what to do. I told her pediatrician about it and she drew her blood and tested for an iron deficiency and lead poisoning, she does not have either. She also referred me to a pediatric behavioral health clinic, but we are still on the waitlist. Does anyone have any tips that could help? This worries me a lot for both for her health and the health of her 1 year old sister. Thanks to anyone who can help. Edit to add: we have tried chewlry and she didn’t care for it. She likes her sisters pacifiers but I’m worried they’ll affect her teeth. She also seems to like her sisters teethers, but gets bored of them after awhile.

I put wallpaper/contact paper on the areas that my kid was chewing. It help since when he would try and pull it off the paint was stuck to that paper., My son was doing this when he couldn’t sleep at night. He was bored. Our OT recommended putting up a busy board on the wall so he would have something else to fidget with., Ours did the same, We ended up using wooden panneling for his room and parts of the play room. It is easily nailed into drywall and plaster and not that expensive., Rice paper?, Redirect redirect redirect. I swear I spent every second of my day hovering over them and redirecting at that age, with both my more severely autistic kid, and with my daughter with pretty severe adhd. Do you know for sure the paint is lead free? It probably is, we haven’t used lead paint in many years now, but if your house is older, it’s still a possibility. I only ask because lead is sweet, so lead paint chips actually taste good, which is why kids eating paint chips was such a common thing in the past. So if that’s a possibility, repainting could help detract her? One more idea, they make that bitter stuff that is supposed to get kids to quit thumb sucking/nail biting. I’ve never used it, so I’m not sure how well it works, but you might look into if a bittering agent is available that you can put on the pain in her favorite areas to try to make it less appetizing., Sounds like PICA. My son was doing this so we had blood tests done and he was low on iron so we started him on supplements and now he is much better though he does still eat paper sometimes, Does OT help with things like this? We’ve been seriously considering putting her in OT, I’m pretty positive it’s lead free, we live in military housing and all the homes here look very modern. The paint was for sure just painted over before we moved in too, since when she peels it off it shows another layer of paint underneath. Redirection has helped a lot in the past, it’s something I am doing, but also she tends to do it more often when I’m not around. I’ll put her in the living room and put on her favorite show so I clean or cook and those are the times she’s most likely to eat the paint., Ours eats paper too. She got her blood drawn and her iron was fine, but I’ve wondered about giving her a supplement anyway and seeing if it would help. What kind do you give your son, if you don’t mind me asking., OT is the perfect thing for this! Ours focuses on more than just grip and fine motor skills. She works on sensory issues, behavior, they even had lots of potty training tips when we were going through it. We’re rural and we don’t have access to ABA but I don’t feel like we’re missing anything because of our OT and speech therapy., Yeah, I would assume that the military isn’t allowed to place service people in a house with lead paint, so I’m sure you’re good there., We use the wellkids multivitamin it's like a chalky sweet/ candy so he doesn't mind eating it, Thank you! She had OT in-home but that therapist only focused on fine motor skill, sensory and feeding, which aren’t big problem areas for her, so I thought OT wouldn’t be helpful for her. OT is also offered where she currently gets speech, we will be looking more into this, I appreciate the info!

How do I handle this particular situation? 3yo/M

My 3 year old is high functioning but has been having this god awful habit of raging every time my two year old cries. For example my two year old needs medicine but hates taking medicine so he cries, my autistic child will then scream and cry then hit walls and throw things. It is the worst and I can’t quite snap him out of it, it’s almost like he goes into a trance. We have no idea how to handle it but avoiding the trigger is next to impossible, even if we bought headphones he would take them off just to rage, it’s like he likes it. I don’t know what to do. :-(

He almost certainly does not like it. The sounds of babies crying, or even just little kids jabbering away about typical kid nonsense can really irritate my kid, and he’s a teen. Even now, it can be a struggle to get him to remove himself from the situation. But I don’t believe any kid that’s lashing out is enjoying it. I’m reminded of [post](https://www.facebook.com/share/ooaGxSfjgDaRdA8e/?) from the Autism Discussion Page., Hi! Any chance that he is mimicking and/or sympathizing with the 2 yr old’s emotions in the best way he can? My 5 year old often mimics emotional outbursts that he sees or hears. Ex. Fake or real tears when his little brother is sad and saying “he is crying! I am crying!” In a sad voice, or if he hears yelling he makes an angry face and says “you are grumpy! I am grumpy!” It never lasts that long, but he does seem to be genuinely sympathetic and distressed when others are distressed., He almost certainly does not like it. The sounds of babies crying, or even just little kids jabbering away about typical kid nonsense can really irritate my kid, and he’s a teen. Even now, it can be a struggle to get him to remove himself from the situation. But I don’t believe any kid that’s lashing out is enjoying it. I’m reminded of [post](https://www.facebook.com/share/ooaGxSfjgDaRdA8e/?) from the Autism Discussion Page., Hi! Any chance that he is mimicking and/or sympathizing with the 2 yr old’s emotions in the best way he can? My 5 year old often mimics emotional outbursts that he sees or hears. Ex. Fake or real tears when his little brother is sad and saying “he is crying! I am crying!” In a sad voice, or if he hears yelling he makes an angry face and says “you are grumpy! I am grumpy!” It never lasts that long, but he does seem to be genuinely sympathetic and distressed when others are distressed., He almost certainly does not like it. The sounds of babies crying, or even just little kids jabbering away about typical kid nonsense can really irritate my kid, and he’s a teen. Even now, it can be a struggle to get him to remove himself from the situation. But I don’t believe any kid that’s lashing out is enjoying it. I’m reminded of [post](https://www.facebook.com/share/ooaGxSfjgDaRdA8e/?) from the Autism Discussion Page., Hi! Any chance that he is mimicking and/or sympathizing with the 2 yr old’s emotions in the best way he can? My 5 year old often mimics emotional outbursts that he sees or hears. Ex. Fake or real tears when his little brother is sad and saying “he is crying! I am crying!” In a sad voice, or if he hears yelling he makes an angry face and says “you are grumpy! I am grumpy!” It never lasts that long, but he does seem to be genuinely sympathetic and distressed when others are distressed., He almost certainly does not like it. The sounds of babies crying, or even just little kids jabbering away about typical kid nonsense can really irritate my kid, and he’s a teen. Even now, it can be a struggle to get him to remove himself from the situation. But I don’t believe any kid that’s lashing out is enjoying it. I’m reminded of [post](https://www.facebook.com/share/ooaGxSfjgDaRdA8e/?) from the Autism Discussion Page., Hi! Any chance that he is mimicking and/or sympathizing with the 2 yr old’s emotions in the best way he can? My 5 year old often mimics emotional outbursts that he sees or hears. Ex. Fake or real tears when his little brother is sad and saying “he is crying! I am crying!” In a sad voice, or if he hears yelling he makes an angry face and says “you are grumpy! I am grumpy!” It never lasts that long, but he does seem to be genuinely sympathetic and distressed when others are distressed.

How do I help my little brother with autism who has no friends?

My younger brother is 12 years old. His whole life he’s had trouble making friends. He’s a kind hearted kid, really. He’s super passionate about things like legos and his video games, he loves acting, singing, and being with his family. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He’s never done anything in his WHOLE life with malicious intent. He seriously is an angel. As a child, for a little bit, he had the kids that he was put with in his learning support/autistic support classes to hang around, but it was only because my mom was friends with those kids parents. He also hung out with the neighborhood kids a bit, but would often come home angry or in tears because they’d tease him. He’s vulnerable to being made fun of because he isn’t very visibly “autistic” or special, so kids just see him as an oddball and pick on him. I feel if he was “visibly” on the spectrum, kids would at least show him more decency— not saying I wish he was any different than he was but you get what I’m saying. But because he’s an in between both ends of the spectrum kids tease him and he doesn’t realize. He invited all his ‘friends’ to his birthday, and not a single kid came. I felt terrible. He was angry all day and I tried to comfort him but I could tell it didn’t help. One day I picked up his phone and was being a little nosy and decided to look at a group-chat with his friends. (Please don’t attack me, he didn’t care). He was texting the kids normal stuff like, “Are you excited for field day?” or “How was your weekend”. Normal polite conversation, but not the kind of stuff the other kids his age talked about. Consequently the kids responded with rude stuff like telling him to ‘shut up’ or saying “did i ask?”. I feel bad for him, because he thinks this is normal and these are his friends. But at the same time, these kids upset him a lot. I don’t know what to do for him and how to help him out. He pushes me away any time I try to hang around him as a result of being teased during social interactions throughout his life; he has become a homebody and prefers being alone. I know deep down inside he wants to be friends with people and talk and light up rooms. Recently he went to a summer camp and was the only older kid, and he had a blast hanging around 6-9 year olds, as they were too young to see him as different and were kind and treated him as they would anyone else. I wish every kid of all ages had that innocence. How can I help him? I just want him to be happy.

Get him into groups based on his interests. My son made a friend at a Lego group. He could do an acting group or something similar., Get him I to a theater group even as tech..thay will adopt him..lol..but i agree with find groups surrounding his interests. Especially if he develops further like cosplay or larp/ renfaires, or war reinactors..I usually say cosplayers and ren actors because they're so open and accepting, Regarding the chat conversations, I have an NT son that is 13 and this sadly seems to be the norm amongst kids that age, I check his chat group conversations and the way they talk to each other is pretty messed up. Very mean in general, even amongst "close" friends. It might be a social media era thing.. That being said, there are nice kids out there too. I think of my older NT nephew that is 16. He is best friends with a boy on the spectrum since they were about 6 years old. He hangs out with him just as two regular teenagers would and his quirks don't phase him at all. They have interests in common, both love fitness so they go to the gym together everyday. I would suggest your brother join groups, whether in person or online, related to his interests and he might find some like-minded and kinder friends there. My ASD3 son is 7yo, his only friends are his siblings and cousins at the moment, but aside from that he definitely connects better with other kids on the spectrum than he does with NT kids at school etc. My local autism organisation runs groups for autistic teens that do things like gaming nights etc. I have these in mind for my son when he gets a bit older. Aside from that, you're a great older sibling for looking out for him and trying to help him make friends! I hope with your support he will keep being the kind soul he is and make some true friends ❤️, Let him info-dump his special interests and buy him gifts related to his special interests and don’t scold him for stimming or info dumping too much. This is what I wish for being level 2 autistic adult., Try introducing him to social clubs that focus on his special interests. Also, public DnD games seem to be a gathering spot for fellow autists. I joined a chess club as a kid, and that was pretty good for me., You are a wonderful sibling and person to care so much and be looking out for him. You didn’t say how old you are or what your interests are, but i would just keep taking him places that he enjoys. Both my kids are autistic (hugely different in symptoms) and we go places they enjoy- my eldest loves art, he does that once a week, my youngest is higher needs with a physical disability and more difficult to take out but we go to specially designed play centres etc. Have a look on social media and see if there are any groups or social groups around you that you could take him to (and participate if you wish, or just be there to monitor and support). In our area we have some autism friendship groups that they change the activities on, such as Minecraft day, DnD day, trampoline centre, etc. Id say that finding likeminded peers who aren’t assholes will be the main way through for him. It’s a tough age all round. He may just have not met his “people” yet- I’m autistic and never met my people until i was 14/15. With you in his corner i’ve no doubt he will be just fine. Just keep doing all the things you are doing and being there for him, enjoying time together and reminding him he always has you. ❤️, Hey. It is so very, very kind of you to watch out for him. Encourage your parents to get him into activities with like-minded folks (YMCA robotics group? Some kind of art class?). Continue to tell him that he has s loved, spend time with him when you can (even if it's eating sandwiches side by side, while watching TV), and listen. Be a safe person. Drag him out to the library, park, anything. Get parental support, if he doesn't go. Aaaaand now I am sad, because your brother could have been me, 30 years ago. And my kid will be in the same boat in a few years. It really is a lonely place., Your brother at 12 sounds like my son at 12. No friends. No one showing up to his birthday parties. He wasn't visibly autistic. He had younger friends. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. My son got some friends (sort of) through challenger sports. The problem there was he was probably too high functioning at them. So they would have to hold him back to let others succeed. At least he had people to talk to at them. My son will be 25 soon and still has this issue. He currently has 1 friend, who is very high functioning but on the spectrum, who is 18. He also has a girlfriend he never sees who is extremely low functioning and isn't good for him (she tries to dictate his life from afar). If you have any questions, I'm here, I've been through this, but idk what answers I will have for you. I'm glad your brother has you, though., The other commenters had great advice about getting him into groups that revolve around his interests. I think you’re a wonderful sibling and a lifelong friend for him, and you both sound like wonderful people. Some kids at that age can be so mean but I know when he looks back on that time in his life when he’s older, he’ll cherish the unconditional friendship you gave each other., The best thing for him is a loving and supportive family and fortunately he has that. He's coming to the years where most of his peers will, to put it bluntly, turn into awkward little shitheads but his friends don't have to be the same age as him. That opens up more possibilities for him. My lad is a few years older and he gets on better with adults., This is a tough one... Baseline is 12 years old are kind of always gonna be horrible to anybody they see as different and you can't do anything to change that. There is nothing he or you can do to make them accept him. However, if he wishes to have more friends -and from what you're saying this is the case, not to mention having a positive relationship with kids his age would set a good example for him, so he doesn't grow up thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable- connecting with local autistic kids groups would be good I feel like. Whether on facebook, through local hospitals, by looking up volunteer groups online... That's the thing, there are difficulties in communication between neurodivergent and neurotypical people, but those same difficulties don't really exist between two neurodivergent or two neurotypical people. Might need a bit of advising at first to make sure he hasn't already internalised the horrible stuff that's been said to him, tho :), What an amazing sibling you are to your brother! He sounds like an older version of my son (turned 8 yesterday) kind, gets picked on but won’t retaliate, passionate.. First thing I’d suggest is talking to y’all’s parents to see if they even know how bad his “friends” are. Tell them how concerned you are and list ALL the reasons you’ve listed here (more if you have them) Second thing is like others mentioned, talk to him about his special interests! Even if he tells you the same things daily*, he’s coming to you not just to talk about Legos but because YOU are LISTENING and not reacting negatively. That is a huge deal. I’m sure he tries to talk to so many people about things and is met with negativity or made to feel like a burden. Maybe y’all could find new special interests together like Pokémon go, geocaching, starting a collection together, it could be anything! Don’t push try and force any interest on either side. Just try new things together and see what happens. Goin to do new or old activities will also be a good way to meet others (who are hopefully kind) My son likes to be isolated and pushes me away as well -especially when I pry and am being an annoying mom lol- but even when he doesn’t want me bothering him, he still wants me near. If I ask if he wants to go somewhere with me, he happily says “Yes” 75% of the time. Your brother may seem like he’s pushing you away but I’d bet he still wants you near him. Are y’all close in age? Just curious if you see how he’s treated at school. If so, you could maybe reach out to the teachers/counselors and let them know how he’s being treated. Definitely talk to your parents about it first. Sorry this got so long. This just warmed and broke my heart all at once. If nothing else, your brother definitely has the best friend he’ll ever have ❤️, I didn't have friends up until middle school when I joined the robotics club, his school might have Lego robotics so his interest may come into play there, also robotics clubs generally have a high concentration of neurodivergent folk, My son is younger (6) but I just started reading this book so that I could better understand where the social gaps are so that I may be able to teach him how to navigate better in the future. https://a.co/ck7UkSD (The AsperKid’s (secret) Book of Social Rules by Jennifer Cook, I don't have advice, since I have similar issues at Home. But I want to say, you are a terrific sibling , and your brother is very lucky to have you in his life., My daughter is autistic and she doesn’t really have friends. She’s very pleasant and chatty, but she prefers the company of adults. I think it’s partly because we know how to filter through what she says to know what she’s actually talking about, while peers would just not try to understand her. It’s less of an issue now that she and her classmates are older. She’s still in special ed classes most of the school day so she’s not spending a lot of time around typical students. Plus she pretty much always has an adult hovering around her so that doesn’t help her to make peer friends either. I’ve tried having play dates but she just doesn’t want to. I’m an introvert myself so I get it. The school has a best buddies program and she does enjoy that, but the person who she got matched with doesn’t really try to spend time outside of the monthly meetings. I would suggest for your child to find an empathetic peer to take him under their wing. Having a friend who isn’t afraid to be like, “hey you guys are being shitty to the disabled kid, wtf is wrong with you?”, My daughter has no fri nds my cousins won't let their kids play with mine in fear of "catching" her ASD and ADHD 😒, I've heard that activities like marching band can be helpful. Let him lean into his interests and join clubs outside of the school setting. Acting or choir might be a great way to get to know some kids who are a bit less arrogant/difficult. Can he watch you around your friends for tips on how to interact with them? I sort of poached some of my older brother's friends!, Are there any social skills groups for his age? Our ABa company has group activities where kids can meet and make friends., Tryna get my little brother some friends too it’s all he ever talks about I mean this kids 12 telling me his childhoods ruined😭 idk what to do mate he’s a good lad it’s fucking killing me, 🙏 You're a good friend to your brother, and your brother is lucky to have such a caring sibling. I do hope he finds someone his age or his level or has similar interests. Sometimes just one good friend can make all the difference. ✌️, Thank you., I think the advice is spot-on. Finding like-minded peers who are accepting and supportive is essential for autistic kids., Same here! Let him know it’s not because of his ASD kids that age are just assholes! I’ve always had a difficult time making friends and I’ve never known why. It’s been really hard, but I’ve deal with it and have 3 beautiful kids of my own, Thank you so much for your support. I appreciate it so much 💕, *meant to say that you’re allowed to feel annoyed and burnt out. It happens and doesn’t make you a bad person! It’s a lot a times (especially when you have NO interest in what they’re into) needing a break is ok too. Just try to be kind so he doesn’t feel like you’re annoyed or upset with him but also be straightforward. Like I say “Mommy is getting overstimulated.” Or “I need five minutes with no loud noises. You can still be loud in your own rooms though.” My two are total opposites and things escalate pretty quickly at my house lol so my examples may not work for others 🥴, Since you're on this forum, one or more of your kids is probably ASD. Autism is genetic, so you are probably somewhat on the spectrum too. It does explain stuff!!

How do I know if I should discuss medication for our autistic son with our doctor?

My son (6) was recently given an educational diagnosis of ASD by his school. He has good language, reading, and math skills, but has some fine-motor issues (for which he receives OT). He is socially-impaired when it comes to interacting with peers, though he interacts well with adults. The main manifestation of his ASD is in demand avoidance, irritability/mood swings particularly when interrupted, and resistance to transitions. When triggered he will have meltdowns that usually last only a few minutes, but some times much longer. He will flop on the ground crying and screaming, sometimes throw/destroy objects (crayons, paper, etc). When he was first diagnosed he would also kick and hit other kids and adults; this has mostly disappeared due to a lot of 1-on-1 support provided by his school. Overall, he has steadily improved thanks to this support. We know we should obtain a medical diagnosis, especially if we want to obtain additional support outside of school; at the moment we can mostly manage his symptoms with behavior aids, so we don't feel very much urgency here. The other reason to obtain a medical diagnosis would be to explore the possibility of managing his symptoms with medication, but TBH we are not mentally prepared to even broach this possibility right now. This being an entirely new experience for us, we want to know how other parents came to the conclusion that medication may be necessary for their autistic children. TIA for any sharing your experiences & advice.

I’d definitely advise seeking a medical dx as soon as you can regardless. My daughter is 6, lot of the same challenges you described but also very minimal language or communication skills, self care challenges, etc.  Having the medical dx since she was 2 has been critical in getting the treatments and support we need, especially since even in good school districts, services can change in quality and quickly based on teachers, admin, budgets, etc.  Plus your child’s needs will change constantly, and it’s better to already have the necessary diagnostic paperwork done, rather than scrambling to get it all done over the course of months (or years) while your child is struggling or going through a regression. As for medication—we have not broached the topic with the pediatrician yet, however it’s something I’m starting to read and think about. Especially lately. For my daughter, I think many of her current challenges are rooted in anxiety and an inability to self regulate. My primary concern being safety for herself and others, as she escalates quickly and can cause some serious harm (like fracturing my cheek with an iPhone quite recently lol).  I’m also definitely not against medication, as I myself take medication for anxiety and depression and likely will do so for life. I think of it like a diabetic taking insulin—some conditions simply require medication to be effectively managed. And there’s no shame in needing medication to achieve mental or emotional stability.  My daughter is highly aversive to taking medication in even liquid form, and I don’t think she knows how to swallow pills or would even entertain the idea. So I’ve been chatting with the OT a bit about things we can work on to improve that, that way if we decide to do it we’ve been laying the ground work. I also worry about her inability to communicate certain side effects. We’ve been working on interoception and identifying feelings (physical and emotional) with OT, school, and speech. So I’m also hoping that when/if we decide to medicate, there’s also been some progress there. Anyway, just some insights from someone else in the same age range who is starting to consider it! , I haven’t heard a good reason to *not* get a medical diagnosis, and it can open up the door to other services and supports that are not provided in the school system., I’d definitely advise seeking a medical dx as soon as you can regardless. My daughter is 6, lot of the same challenges you described but also very minimal language or communication skills, self care challenges, etc.  Having the medical dx since she was 2 has been critical in getting the treatments and support we need, especially since even in good school districts, services can change in quality and quickly based on teachers, admin, budgets, etc.  Plus your child’s needs will change constantly, and it’s better to already have the necessary diagnostic paperwork done, rather than scrambling to get it all done over the course of months (or years) while your child is struggling or going through a regression. As for medication—we have not broached the topic with the pediatrician yet, however it’s something I’m starting to read and think about. Especially lately. For my daughter, I think many of her current challenges are rooted in anxiety and an inability to self regulate. My primary concern being safety for herself and others, as she escalates quickly and can cause some serious harm (like fracturing my cheek with an iPhone quite recently lol).  I’m also definitely not against medication, as I myself take medication for anxiety and depression and likely will do so for life. I think of it like a diabetic taking insulin—some conditions simply require medication to be effectively managed. And there’s no shame in needing medication to achieve mental or emotional stability.  My daughter is highly aversive to taking medication in even liquid form, and I don’t think she knows how to swallow pills or would even entertain the idea. So I’ve been chatting with the OT a bit about things we can work on to improve that, that way if we decide to do it we’ve been laying the ground work. I also worry about her inability to communicate certain side effects. We’ve been working on interoception and identifying feelings (physical and emotional) with OT, school, and speech. So I’m also hoping that when/if we decide to medicate, there’s also been some progress there. Anyway, just some insights from someone else in the same age range who is starting to consider it! , I haven’t heard a good reason to *not* get a medical diagnosis, and it can open up the door to other services and supports that are not provided in the school system., I’d definitely advise seeking a medical dx as soon as you can regardless. My daughter is 6, lot of the same challenges you described but also very minimal language or communication skills, self care challenges, etc.  Having the medical dx since she was 2 has been critical in getting the treatments and support we need, especially since even in good school districts, services can change in quality and quickly based on teachers, admin, budgets, etc.  Plus your child’s needs will change constantly, and it’s better to already have the necessary diagnostic paperwork done, rather than scrambling to get it all done over the course of months (or years) while your child is struggling or going through a regression. As for medication—we have not broached the topic with the pediatrician yet, however it’s something I’m starting to read and think about. Especially lately. For my daughter, I think many of her current challenges are rooted in anxiety and an inability to self regulate. My primary concern being safety for herself and others, as she escalates quickly and can cause some serious harm (like fracturing my cheek with an iPhone quite recently lol).  I’m also definitely not against medication, as I myself take medication for anxiety and depression and likely will do so for life. I think of it like a diabetic taking insulin—some conditions simply require medication to be effectively managed. And there’s no shame in needing medication to achieve mental or emotional stability.  My daughter is highly aversive to taking medication in even liquid form, and I don’t think she knows how to swallow pills or would even entertain the idea. So I’ve been chatting with the OT a bit about things we can work on to improve that, that way if we decide to do it we’ve been laying the ground work. I also worry about her inability to communicate certain side effects. We’ve been working on interoception and identifying feelings (physical and emotional) with OT, school, and speech. So I’m also hoping that when/if we decide to medicate, there’s also been some progress there. Anyway, just some insights from someone else in the same age range who is starting to consider it! , I haven’t heard a good reason to *not* get a medical diagnosis, and it can open up the door to other services and supports that are not provided in the school system., I’d definitely advise seeking a medical dx as soon as you can regardless. My daughter is 6, lot of the same challenges you described but also very minimal language or communication skills, self care challenges, etc.  Having the medical dx since she was 2 has been critical in getting the treatments and support we need, especially since even in good school districts, services can change in quality and quickly based on teachers, admin, budgets, etc.  Plus your child’s needs will change constantly, and it’s better to already have the necessary diagnostic paperwork done, rather than scrambling to get it all done over the course of months (or years) while your child is struggling or going through a regression. As for medication—we have not broached the topic with the pediatrician yet, however it’s something I’m starting to read and think about. Especially lately. For my daughter, I think many of her current challenges are rooted in anxiety and an inability to self regulate. My primary concern being safety for herself and others, as she escalates quickly and can cause some serious harm (like fracturing my cheek with an iPhone quite recently lol).  I’m also definitely not against medication, as I myself take medication for anxiety and depression and likely will do so for life. I think of it like a diabetic taking insulin—some conditions simply require medication to be effectively managed. And there’s no shame in needing medication to achieve mental or emotional stability.  My daughter is highly aversive to taking medication in even liquid form, and I don’t think she knows how to swallow pills or would even entertain the idea. So I’ve been chatting with the OT a bit about things we can work on to improve that, that way if we decide to do it we’ve been laying the ground work. I also worry about her inability to communicate certain side effects. We’ve been working on interoception and identifying feelings (physical and emotional) with OT, school, and speech. So I’m also hoping that when/if we decide to medicate, there’s also been some progress there. Anyway, just some insights from someone else in the same age range who is starting to consider it! , I haven’t heard a good reason to *not* get a medical diagnosis, and it can open up the door to other services and supports that are not provided in the school system.

How do I legally abandon my 17 year old. I can't cope

My daughter is getting too insane for me to possibly be able to stay under the same roof as her. Recently, she found one of my guns I have, She proceeded to point it at her head and use this action to emotionally blackmail me into letting her not do chores or make any attempts to interact with her until she leaves. I called the police and she is currently in an impatient stay because I genuinely believe she is suicidal to some extent and for once the doctors took my side and she was involuntarily committed. She most likely has BPD but no doctor is willing to work with me on this because she is still a minor. She has used her autism as a scapegoat to try to get out of the minimal level of responsibilities I give her. I need her out. I cannot cope with this level of abuse and I don't know what to do. She can't do a whole bunch of stuff on her own and I've tried to work with her but she's gotten to the point to where I'm pretty sure she is exaggerating her limitations on purpose to get out of stuff, so emancipation isn't possible. She wants out. I need her out. Someone please point me to what I can do.

Not sure about the kid but you need to get the guns out of the house before she hurts herself or someone else., I’ve looked at your post history, and it’s clear that you’re seeking help. But the story you present of your daughter and her issues is seemingly very fragmented and almost contradictory. I’m not aware of any psychological professional/ doctor unwilling to diagnose BPD (bi-polar disorder) due to the patient being a minor. In another post you mentioned she did get therapy but insurance changed and now she isn’t getting therapy because previous provider doesn’t accept new insurance. But how long has that been going on? You randomly mention your daughter being abused as a child, and not being there to protect her. But you don’t say who abused her. Then there is the claim your narcissistic ex turned her against you. You’ve stated you’re in a healthy relationship and that she’s trying to ruin it by trying to show your new partner that you’re crazy and shouldn’t be around his kids. The most disturbing claim is the one you’re making here…. That your daughter, who according to you had severe mental health issues found your gun…. If you have anyone in your home with mental health issues access to firearms obviously shouldn’t even be a thing— it should be secured to the max! I have no way of knowing if what you’re saying is true, but I find the logic of what is being posted highly questionable. I’d advise you to seek counseling. As far as terminating your rights or surrendering your rights as a parent, that varies by state. Just google “terminating parental rights to teenage child” specifically in your state., The fact that you believe there is an individual in your household that struggles with BPD, and yet leave a firearm unsecured shows how irresponsible you are. Do you even care about the health and wellbeing of your family? I’m not normally this forward but you sir should seek counseling as you are definitely part of the problem., So you suspect someone has BPD (and other issues) and you let them have access to... GUNS? I'm lost for words., Put trigger locks on your guns right now and hide the keys and that problem is solved. There is no one solution the type of care you want varies from country to country, for starters if you wanted to dip your toes there is [respite care.](https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/respite-care.html) The best bet would be for you to get a hold of locals around you and asking the processes you need to accomplish, what you are seeking can be done just make sure it’s what you want everything like that first., I'm sorry but I'm just focused on you having a child with mental disorders and you having firearms just laying around??? GET RID OF THEM. This is more important than anything else. I've lost a good friend in my youth this way. You are 100% responsible and will absolutely carry that guilt the rest of your life if she kills herself with your gun. None of the rest of this shit matters if she's dead., what the actual fuck am i reading. there is no way this isn't some weird fictional story because i have a hard time believing any parent would let their child who you have acknowledged is suicidal have possible access to a GUN i hope this is fictional because if this is not you are a BIG part of the problem, I have both autism and BPD diagnoses. Even without a diagnosis, she could get into an adolescent DBT program. I’m floored you’ve been negligent enough that she has access to firearms, no way to process her trauma, and no living skills. Where is her school in all of this? You have mentioned no school whatsoever…is she even IN school? There are therapeutic schools she could attend until she’s 21. If you can’t handle her, tell the hospital and they’ll get CPS involved. She’ll be even more fucked up, but she’ll be out of your hair, right? Then you can get help for yourself and you clearly need it. I’m a domestic violence survivor along with my mom and the fact that you care more about your own safety tells me A LOT. My mom told me when she was trying to get out, she could ONLY think about getting me to safety. I’m incredibly proud of my mom for everything she’s survived, and she’s made strides in her recovery. What have you done? I’m sorry if my tone is coming across as harsh…I’m kind of angry. I fell like you’re giving up on your daughter when she needs you the most, but at the same time I understand the need to love from afar. But I’ve only ever done that with adults…not with children. She’s a child. She can turn her life around if she wants to and if she has reason to. In DBT, we learn a lot about building a “life worth living”. She hasn’t found that yet and she needs your help and her treatment team’s help to find it. Good luck to you both. Get the guns either more secure or out entirely. You don’t need another tragedy to live through., If she still at the hospital, you could tell them she isn’t allowed to be discharged into your care and you need help with the appropriate services for her., [deleted], First of all, get your guns safely locked away, unloaded and at a different place than your ammunition. I can't imagine why you didn't practice basic gun safety when you know your child has mental health issues and is possibly suicidal, but better late than never. Even if she can't be diagnosed with bpd now, that doesn't mean the doctors won't be able to notice her symptoms if that is what she has. Autistic adults often get misdiagnosed with bpd because the symptoms overlap a lot, so a diagnosis will probably be difficult even when she's an adult, because they need to be sure. Its pretty difficult to become an adult ward with a diagnosis of level 1 autism, but if she can't live on her own there might be a group home that could help her, or you could have her be ward of the state. In that case the state will find a group home or facility for her to stay if they deem it necessary. That does mean you lose control over what happens to her and as I'm sure you've noticed the system is a bit of a train wreck so that'd be the last resort. If you think you'll get legal guardianship when she's an adult, her issue should also be enough to get respite care., You clearly don't have the tools or skillset to help her properly if you're taking her actions personally rather than a cry for help. She's only 17. Her brain isn't fully developed. She doesn't know what she's doing. It's not your fault that you feel this way/don't know what you're doing wrong/don't know what to do and your emotions are valid but you could largely be contributing to her behavior if you feel so negatively towards her. Even if you aren't saying anything directly to her, she most likely knows how you feel about her. She probably already feels rejected and hurt from being neurodivergent, now the cherry on top is her own blood treating her as a villain. No child deserves to feel like this from their mother. If your initial thought is to want her out, then you're not equipped to handle her. Maybe be honest to one of the staff at the inpatient clinic about how you feel and try to get her to stay in the care home until a treatment plan is made to aid her in independent living. Write your daughter a letter honestly and respectfully telling her how you feel and go no contact. If she gets better without you, stay out of her life. This means you are part of the problem. It isn't uncommon for kids to develop BPD from abusive homes., Get another lockbox/safe for your ammo and hide it somewhere else in your house from your guns. As for your daughter? I don't understand why they wouldn't diagnose her with BPD - get another doctor to look at her. I've known minors diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar, BPD, etc. There's no reason she should not be diagnosed and medicated for her illness., Damn I thought all the complaints the last few days about being triggered were being dramatic but damn am I triggered. I'm new here. Is this what they were talking about?? Sometimes I feel like I hate my kid (I don't, but I'm overwhelmed). I even get realizing you cannot care for your kid. But the guns in the house and blame game is extremely harmful., Get the guns out of your house, and then address the rest. You are putting your daughter, yourself, and quite frankly innocent people who don’t even know you at risk and that is so incredibly irresponsible., Get any gun out of your house to protect her and you. If she took it once she'll do it again. Sorry it's been so hard for you. See if the hospital social worker can help you with a placement for her, This sounds like an absolute nightmare, I feel so heartbroken for your daughter. Hopefully one day she is able to find proper support., >Not sure about the kid but you need to get the guns out of the house before she hurts herself or someone else. This. They should always keep them unloaded, locked, and out of reach., BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder in this context. It's within the same territory as things like narcissism and antisocialism, and rarely ever presents in minors so few doctors are willing to look into it at her age. I've begged multiple doctors to look into it so she can seek help. Her stepdad, my ex fiancé was the one who abused her. I was abused by this man as well as her biological father, and struggled to get out of my relationship with my ex fiancé who is not related to my daughter at all due to how physically sick this man made me. Her father was spouting lies about me because he was jealous that I left him because her father also abused me. My guns were well secured, but my daughter was somehow able to figure out where to get them. I kept them in a well secured safe that was well hidden, but my daughter rummaged through my things to find it and somehow managed to figure out how to get past the safe. I will definitely be looking into how to better secure it., This user has alts and has posted in some other subs, namely regretfulparents, before. I recall outright telling her she glibly bypassed any details on things that would cast her in a negative light, and instead fixates on her daughter's behavior. This child has had a traumatized life, and 100%, the parent is a part of that. She's irresponsible and if this is the best she can do, turning custody over to the state may well be the healthiest option for this poor kid., I don't know if we'd qualify for respite care. She is almost an adult and is diagnosed as level 1., They are not just "laying around". And I cannot get rid of them for my own personal safety. One of my exes is extremely deranged and although I've gotten a restraining order against him, I worry he is going to come to my house and kill me. He has close friends in the military and has the resources to possibly find me if he wants to. If he comes to my house and tries to hurt me I need to be able to defend myself. He is much stronger than me and can easily kill me., Think about how many mass shootings are done by suicidal teenagers - there's some shitty parents out there., I’m autistic and was diagnosed with BPD when I was 21. (Which may or may not be accurate) I agree, she’s too young for a diagnosis especially when you factor in her autism and uneven development as a result. However, she can get into some programs without a diagnosis and insurance is often more willing to pay for something like DBT. Even untreated, BPD gets better over time in a big percentage. An even higher percentage achieve remission with DBT or schema based therapy etc. It’s the most treatable personality disorder, and some people stay below the diagnostic threshold for the rest of their lives. Also, DBT is now being utilized with autistic clients! I teach DBT skills to my friends and have taught some to family. DBT Self Help is a fantastic website., Nailed it, When it rains it pours. These threads are not common, and the OP's need support. Look at all the other good threads though, The forum has so many positive things as well., The intensity that’s being shown here is not representative of this sub. I find this sub better than the parent Facebook groups, as a non-parent autistic adult who helps out. Please take care 🤟🏻, My son once found a bottle of chewable Tums and ate around 10 of them. He had diarrhea for a few days and I felt horrible. I started keeping my tums somewhere he couldn’t get to them. Now this… but with a gun… My son is unable to use his autism as an excuse…. I’m just here to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself…. Do this… but you know, with a gun. OP - Unload the gun and put it in a safe. Be a responsible gun owner. Especially with a kid you believe is suicidal…. I’m sorry you’re struggling but it’s hard to get past that detail for me., Your posts demonstrate a lack of consideration for the certain inevitable and obvious consequences— such as there being very obvious therapeutic support being required for children who are the victims of abuse. The second being the obvious lack of properly securing your firearm— if it was properly secured your daughter would have ZERO access. In all of these stories you are the consummate victim. Everything is done to you by everyone else. You’ve expressed things that seem to betray paranoia and potentially delusions that your daughter is plotting against you. That your ex turned your daughter against you. The only thing you mentioned that shows an ounce of thought is when you admit to not protecting your daughter from abuse— but the story is grandiose in that your ex fiancé somehow had access to abuse your daughter’s biological father. Please seek professional help., Sell the gun, you are not mature enough to be a firearm owner, Are you aware that many AuDHD people who’ve experienced trauma, particularly girls, are misdiagnosed with BPD? She needs help. She isn’t exaggerating her abilities. You may not be the person to give her that help, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. But be honest with yourself and educate yourself on her conditions before traumatizing her any further. An AuDHDer is already going to have more difficulty regulating their nervous system, with trauma and puberty added into the mix it is nothing but an uphill battle. She needs co-regulation. You do, too. Are any of you in meaningful therapy? Together or apart?, I just hope this poor girl gets the help she needs from a respectable adult.. as well as heals from the selfishness and abuse stemming from her own family. Some people should never be parents, is this the same person who posted here about how her son was scamming people because of her almost adult daughter teaching him?? i remember that post and they feel vaguely similar now that i think about it, I believe it depends on the development issues and the area you live but respite care is available for adults in some places. I believe you need a referral for adults at least that’s how it is where I live. Another alternative could possibly be a family therapy session to focus on the autism and to figure out the root of the issues and come up with new coping mechanisms,medication, or just talking it out might help. I do wish you and your daughter the best it can be unbelievably hard for everyone involved in these situations at times., If she's able to get access to it and point it at her head then it may as well be just laying around. As shitty as that may be with the ex, that was all "worry" and "could". Your daughter putting to the gun to her head was "did". I get that you have a lot of things going on at once but right now that gun is an immediate threat to your daughter not your ex. You need to solve that immediately before you have a dead child. That should come before all the rest., I was abused by my daughters father as well as my ex fiance. Sorry if that wasn't clear., She doesn’t care, a BPD diagnosis “shows” the world that OP isn’t the problem, her daughter is. OPs daughter will forever be the scapegoat if they find her again (she’s runaway and OP is strongly considering not reporting her as missing), Every reply you make is about yourself. You seem to have no real desire to help your daughter. I feel really bad for her. I hope she finds a loving home in her future after what she’s come through. She’d be much better off away from you by the sound of it., Go read her new post, you hit the nail on the head. It’s all about OP and not her daughter’s wellbeing or safety, God, I just read a few of her other posts after seeing your comment. She is an absolute piece of shit mother and my heart breaks for her poor daughter. Seems the daughter has now been diagnosed with BPD and is beginning to act out babying fantasies. I’m not a psychiatrist, but any rational thinking person can see those are implications of lack of maternal love and support and the trauma of losing her dad and having no one else to care about her. Mum calls deceased dad a narcissist… um… hello? She is utterly self obsessed. Her poor daughter is lost, she has literally no guidance. I can’t imagine the impact her mums lifelong emotional neglect will have on her life. I don’t like to cause undue hurt to anyone, but part of me really hopes op reads this. Although no doubt she’s blinkered enough that it won’t land.

How do I not let these years be the worst years of my life?

Half vent and half needing advice: My daughter is 4.5 years old and was recently diagnosed as level 3. I had thought she maybe only had mild autism until her 4th birthday last fall when it hit me how delayed she really was compared to her peers. She started hand leading last spring, then started saying 5 or less words functionally, and is now starting to piece together short phrases for requests sometimes. She has improved, but it just feels like very slow progression. She’s in a peer model preschool class where she gets speech and OT and we’re reaching out to at home therapy options now. I’m grieving the child I thought I’d have and constantly worrying for her future. I now have a 7 month old baby who is meeting all of his milestones and is very social, but I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. My stomach drops and I feel instant anxiety any time I think of him as a toddler. I’m left wondering if I’ll get to “keep” him or if he’ll regress too. How do I not let the anxiety I have for my children consume me? I’m scared I’ll look back on their childhood and realize how much I missed while being too depressed to enjoy them where they were at. I try to stop obsessing over it, but it’s so hard.

Hey OP you can actually check my post history I felt the exact same when my son was diagnosed. I grieved the child that I wanted. That I would never bond or experince anything with my son. That I was just simply going to be the person who feeds him while puts a roof over his head with no emotional connection which i crave. Boy was I wrong. Everyday I see how amazing, smart, and beautiful my son is. He loves the outdoors, always reciting the alphabet, loves numbers, always asks for hugs, etc. It's okay to mourn the idea of a "normal" child. However, create a new image of your child with autism and your heart will explode. As well, do you have a good school district? My son is about to complete a year in ECSE and it has done him wonders. He gets speech therapy, occupational therapy, and a regular education all paid for by the district. An example of one of my sons developments, he went from 5 words or less to now full sentences. His school and his teachers are like my little village., I totally related with the grieving part. Until I realised - my kids happiness is most important. I have put an expectation on the baby, and that's my problem, not my childs. How am I different then from the thousands of other parents who force their child to be a doctor or an engineer, or marry someone of their choice. It took me and still taking me tons of unlearning. I had dreamt of the best school, extra curricular and what not for my child, and right now my only focus is that he speaks few words. You're doing a fabulous job! Your daughter will have her own journey, enjoy the little wins and keep doing the best for them., Get some therapy to help process this, if you continue to struggle. This is really hard and really real stuff. A bit of therapy can go a long way in reframing all this stuff. I also think of ‘mining happiness”. Sometimes it seems like other people just sit around and get showered with joy…. Not me. I’m over here in hard-life ville scraping around in the mud as my kids act out, fail stuff and fight perpetually. But while we are wallowing in the ‘mud’ of our existence, I try to take a few seconds each day to dig around in the goop for the tiny bits of joy and laughter and smiles I can find. They are not the same as the other families that are living in not- mud-ville… they are more precious because I had to dig for it and it is mine, it didn’t just fall on me. We are playing life on extra-hard mode with the rewards set to almost zero. The hard is real. And you really have to dig for the joy. But it is there. And our lives are actually really beautiful too. Not the same beautiful. But our own., Idk if this will be true for you, but your child may end up being what shows you that you aren’t “normal” either. It was for me. I never fit in my entire life, had trouble making friends, hated being around lots of people or going into large or unfamiliar places, etc. My son would much rather watch tv inside or play with building blocks or sticks and dirt than go out to a restaurant or a play date, and so would I. I actually strongly dislike all the typical things you’re supposed to do with toddlers (play dates, birthday parties, sports). I feel like I don’t have to try to fit in anymore, because there’s no possible way we could fit in with a level 3 kid, so why bother trying to? It’s still super hard. I would give anything for him to keep his personality but be able to communicate. All I can do is hope he improves and try to find ways to enjoy our lives the way we want to and reasonably can. I totally get where you’re coming from, and I honestly think it’s something us level 3 parents will always battle with. Just keep trying. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself., I’m right there with you, OP. My son is 3.5 and I am deep in grief right now. I don’t have any real advice but I can offer you solidarity as I figure this out for myself too., I obsess over my kids too. Like you, I also try not to do it. It’s hard. Parenting our kids is probably the most important thing we’ll do in life so I think it’s legitimate to obsess over it a bit. The stakes are high. I try to stay busy and do a lot of activities with my kids that have educational/developmental value., This is why I always recommend the book The Explosive Child to people. Not just so one can figure out how to help their child but to also experience the paradigm shift of thinking and seeing that their child is doing the best that they can., It's ok and human to grieve. I did, but mostly I just worried for my child's future and the additional challenges they would face. I've adjusted now though and can enjoy the moments we have together. I can't imagine it any other way. If your kids are happy, have a loving supportive family, support in the community then I think there's a lot to feel positive about and the future isn't written yet. The way I think about it is that my kids are my world. It's not their job to fit into this world or my expectations, it's my job to make the world fit them., Right there with ya mama, I have a 2.5 year old daughter who just received a level 3 diagnosis and aa 7 month old son who I worry about all the time. Wish I had advice, just know you aren't alone!, It may be helpful to not compare her to her peers. My son is also nonverbal and I love how my friends notice that my son is very observant, intuitive, and aware. Even though he doesn’t talk, he understands things in an intuitive way. Maybe you could focus on your daughter’s unique strengths? Rather than compare. I’m always amazed at what my son can do. He can seem funny to others, but I can also seem funny to others. I think it helps that I was already a free spirit weirdo not caring for societal norms, I didn’t really have an expectation of what my son should be like. We have a lot of fun together. I take him to playgrounds every day. I can be irritated when kids and parents refer to him as a “baby” when he is 3.5, but we have fun doing our own thing. Please don’t have these years be the worst years of your life. It’s totally okay to be frustrated and sad, but your life isn’t doomed, your daughter’s life isn’t doomed. Focus on the little wins. And the amazing person she is right now. When I used to worry about my son, I noticed I was online too much looking up possible outcomes for when he’s and adult, whether or not he can be independent, getting so in my head about it…and then my son would do something that made me laugh and smile! And caused me to realize I needed to stop looking into the future and just be present with him now! Celebrate him now! While also continuing his therapies of course. I love what others have said here that, societal success isn’t the end all be all. I’m neurotypical and I’m not at all societally successful but I’m very happy., [removed], Hi! I felt the same and had PPD with my second as it felt like here we go again. Etc. he didn’t look at me today, must be this again… what an idiot I was, I’ll never get that time back. I was so looking out for autism signs with my seconds and feeling like regression (as with my first) was just around the corner but it never happened. My second has hit all the milestones. He chats away. My eldest is 4.5 and has zero words still. Some days I’m like wow this is amazing, what a unique lense wow! Other days I’m like ouch the constant jarring visibility of their contrasting skills and difference in independence jolts me into a darker place. However climb out! We have to not get sad. Our poor beautiful first kiddos didn’t ask for this did they? Let’s give them both a wonderful life where their mama (or dada) love them to bits and provide them with lots of fun!, https://m.autismtreatmentcenter.org/ I teach kids with autism. I use their method. It is the answer. Enjoy your baby. 😍, Thank you for sharing! My guy just turned 3 and started half days at the school district. I am so grateful to our little village as well. And hopeful for the future! It is wonderful to hear how much progress your son is making, give me hope for mine., This was so lovely to read and it makes me feel so happy to read that you found joy in your unexpected role as an autism parent., Exactly this!!!! My kids happiness is more important than anything I want them to be! I love how you phrase it!, This is everything I’m feeling right now. I feel guilt for putting a dream life onto my child. I envisioned this whole other life and it’s not fair to him. Why did I fall into the trap I never said I would?! Therapy helps. I need to just focus on his happiness because that is really all that matters., Exactly, and traditional success is FAR from the route to happiness. I was an extremely “successful” kid and young adult by those expectations you listed and also consistently unhappy. My nonverbal and VERY happy / satisfied 4yo has changed my life for the better just by being an example alone., We started a tradition of sharing one thing every night that our son did that day. Sometimes it was progress, sometimes it was just a tiny moment of joy. It helps us feel gratitude every night and go to bed with that in mind., This post/comment was removed for parent shaming. If you cannot engage with compassion, please take a break before trying again. Repeated violations of this rule will result in a ban., Oh trust me the best advice I got was to get him enrolled in ECSE in school district. He has made leap and bounds that I didn't think possible., Thank you ❤️ I couldn't imagine it any other way. Just last night we were sharing our favorite snack together, oreos!, We are on day 6 of preschool and he has added 4 new words and abruptly quit the pacifier. I am elated!, We love Oreos too!! We like the thin ones :)

How do I stop the constant throwing?

My son is 3.5. He’s level 1, very verbal, and likely ADHD. He throws. CONSTANTLY. Anything and everything. He has broken multiple TVs. We had to buy a plexiglass cover for the TV it was so bad. If he gets told no to anything he screams and throws. Doesn’t matter what it is, he’s throwing it. He’s also aiming for your head when he’s throwing it. If he knows he shouldn’t have something he immediately runs away from you with the item and throws it for maximum destruction. I’m at the end of my rope here. I have an 8 year old who is getting really sick of everything he owns being broken because we can’t keep all of his things locked up. I’m just so sick of this and just so done.

My 9 year old was the same way although he never aimed for people. If he threw it then I took it away. It was the only thing that got through to him., My son did the same when he was at that age and you know what I did, I took anything away he threw. If he threw his toys, I took that toy away and if he threw any of my stuff, I took that away too. He learned to not throw stuff or it got taken. We also did time outs as well. Me and my son used to play tug o war with his door because he would not stay in his room., 4.5 year old here and this is one thing I can't seem to find a solution to. We even have those little ball pit balls and big tote buckets so there is a designated area and thing for throwing. Everything is thrown at my head instead., didn’t know if it was an asd thing but my 4 year old can’t stop throwing stuff too!, My kid loves throwing too., Currently dealing with this too. Any pushback from us and it’s a tablet or switch thrown for maximum effect. If he doesn’t get the response he will attempt to stomp it or find something else he knows he isn’t supposed to do and do that. I’ve taken the things away and it’s worked for about 5 seconds after he gets it back. I’m so over this phase of constant opposition, Is he in any therapies/programs right now? Does he throws things at school?, If ADHD is present, medication would help greatly . An adult with ADHd can do talk therapy, meditation, exercise etc.. an ADHD child can't do these things yet.Meds are the only thing that work till they're adults.  Trust me I didn't medicate my lil AUDHD till he was 5, and I slowed his progress. But I wanted to try "everything natural/holistic" first. I wasted a lot of time and money.  He takes an ADHD med and an antipsychotic. ADHD meds keep him focused and his mood balanced. The antipsychotic helps the  aggression like head hitting and violent outbursts he used to have.  I saw it as his brain is damaged due to his AUDHD, and he can't help what he's doing. He can not want to throw things, but his body is going to anyway.  So that's where the meds come in.  Idk maybe something to consider. GL and sending a big hug. It's not going to stay like this forever! 💪🏼👩‍👦, I think the only thing to do is put stuff away. Or at least the most valuable/breakable. The child is too young to self regulate or control their impulses. Getting mad at them and/or punishing them is counterproductive. I recommend reading any of the books by Ross Greene (The Explosive Child) or Mona Delahooke (Beyond Behavior)., My son loves throwing too! I think it got better (he’s six) but I still catch myself reprimanding him for it occasionally. I’m surprised that getting the things taken away doesn’t work., I got a phonecall from the school the other week - my 6yo had managed to throw her jacket onto the roof of the school; the reason? She did not want to wear her jacket, despite the fact it was freezing (her class has a small, secure courtyard that the children have free access to for sensory breaks). She doesn't throw so much these days, and never threw maliciously, but it was something we could never manage to redirect for any length of time, luckily that phase has mostly passed. Though I was pretty impressed that she got her jacket onto the roof., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., Yup. We have tried having a safe area for throwing and having it full of safe for throwing things. Nope. That’s not nearly as fun as flipping the table, knocking over the chair, throwing the metal contigo cup at me, throwing the Xbox controller (that my husband left siting out), and throwing my AirPod case at me. 🙃, Yeah the tablet was thrown at my face yesterday too. Then when I said that wasn’t ok he went to try and step on my laptop for work that I had just moved out of my lap to get up and grab the tablet that was thrown at me., He’s in OT. Yes, he throws at school but nothing like he does at home., Oh I’m 100% on board with meds. My oldest gets his daily. He’s only 3.5 though so he can’t get any meds until 4 at the youngest. So. We wait…and slowly go insane in the meantime 🤣, It's like they have superhuman strength sometimes. I gave up on having a table and chairs. Metal cups and water bottles are the worst, those things hurt., My 9 year old was the same way although he never aimed for people. If he threw it then I took it away. It was the only thing that got through to him., My son did the same when he was at that age and you know what I did, I took anything away he threw. If he threw his toys, I took that toy away and if he threw any of my stuff, I took that away too. He learned to not throw stuff or it got taken. We also did time outs as well. Me and my son used to play tug o war with his door because he would not stay in his room., 4.5 year old here and this is one thing I can't seem to find a solution to. We even have those little ball pit balls and big tote buckets so there is a designated area and thing for throwing. Everything is thrown at my head instead., didn’t know if it was an asd thing but my 4 year old can’t stop throwing stuff too!, My kid loves throwing too., Currently dealing with this too. Any pushback from us and it’s a tablet or switch thrown for maximum effect. If he doesn’t get the response he will attempt to stomp it or find something else he knows he isn’t supposed to do and do that. I’ve taken the things away and it’s worked for about 5 seconds after he gets it back. I’m so over this phase of constant opposition, Is he in any therapies/programs right now? Does he throws things at school?, If ADHD is present, medication would help greatly . An adult with ADHd can do talk therapy, meditation, exercise etc.. an ADHD child can't do these things yet.Meds are the only thing that work till they're adults.  Trust me I didn't medicate my lil AUDHD till he was 5, and I slowed his progress. But I wanted to try "everything natural/holistic" first. I wasted a lot of time and money.  He takes an ADHD med and an antipsychotic. ADHD meds keep him focused and his mood balanced. The antipsychotic helps the  aggression like head hitting and violent outbursts he used to have.  I saw it as his brain is damaged due to his AUDHD, and he can't help what he's doing. He can not want to throw things, but his body is going to anyway.  So that's where the meds come in.  Idk maybe something to consider. GL and sending a big hug. It's not going to stay like this forever! 💪🏼👩‍👦, I think the only thing to do is put stuff away. Or at least the most valuable/breakable. The child is too young to self regulate or control their impulses. Getting mad at them and/or punishing them is counterproductive. I recommend reading any of the books by Ross Greene (The Explosive Child) or Mona Delahooke (Beyond Behavior)., My son loves throwing too! I think it got better (he’s six) but I still catch myself reprimanding him for it occasionally. I’m surprised that getting the things taken away doesn’t work., I got a phonecall from the school the other week - my 6yo had managed to throw her jacket onto the roof of the school; the reason? She did not want to wear her jacket, despite the fact it was freezing (her class has a small, secure courtyard that the children have free access to for sensory breaks). She doesn't throw so much these days, and never threw maliciously, but it was something we could never manage to redirect for any length of time, luckily that phase has mostly passed. Though I was pretty impressed that she got her jacket onto the roof., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., Yup. We have tried having a safe area for throwing and having it full of safe for throwing things. Nope. That’s not nearly as fun as flipping the table, knocking over the chair, throwing the metal contigo cup at me, throwing the Xbox controller (that my husband left siting out), and throwing my AirPod case at me. 🙃, Yeah the tablet was thrown at my face yesterday too. Then when I said that wasn’t ok he went to try and step on my laptop for work that I had just moved out of my lap to get up and grab the tablet that was thrown at me., He’s in OT. Yes, he throws at school but nothing like he does at home., Oh I’m 100% on board with meds. My oldest gets his daily. He’s only 3.5 though so he can’t get any meds until 4 at the youngest. So. We wait…and slowly go insane in the meantime 🤣, It's like they have superhuman strength sometimes. I gave up on having a table and chairs. Metal cups and water bottles are the worst, those things hurt., My 9 year old was the same way although he never aimed for people. If he threw it then I took it away. It was the only thing that got through to him., My son did the same when he was at that age and you know what I did, I took anything away he threw. If he threw his toys, I took that toy away and if he threw any of my stuff, I took that away too. He learned to not throw stuff or it got taken. We also did time outs as well. Me and my son used to play tug o war with his door because he would not stay in his room., 4.5 year old here and this is one thing I can't seem to find a solution to. We even have those little ball pit balls and big tote buckets so there is a designated area and thing for throwing. Everything is thrown at my head instead., didn’t know if it was an asd thing but my 4 year old can’t stop throwing stuff too!, My kid loves throwing too., Currently dealing with this too. Any pushback from us and it’s a tablet or switch thrown for maximum effect. If he doesn’t get the response he will attempt to stomp it or find something else he knows he isn’t supposed to do and do that. I’ve taken the things away and it’s worked for about 5 seconds after he gets it back. I’m so over this phase of constant opposition, Is he in any therapies/programs right now? Does he throws things at school?, If ADHD is present, medication would help greatly . An adult with ADHd can do talk therapy, meditation, exercise etc.. an ADHD child can't do these things yet.Meds are the only thing that work till they're adults.  Trust me I didn't medicate my lil AUDHD till he was 5, and I slowed his progress. But I wanted to try "everything natural/holistic" first. I wasted a lot of time and money.  He takes an ADHD med and an antipsychotic. ADHD meds keep him focused and his mood balanced. The antipsychotic helps the  aggression like head hitting and violent outbursts he used to have.  I saw it as his brain is damaged due to his AUDHD, and he can't help what he's doing. He can not want to throw things, but his body is going to anyway.  So that's where the meds come in.  Idk maybe something to consider. GL and sending a big hug. It's not going to stay like this forever! 💪🏼👩‍👦, I think the only thing to do is put stuff away. Or at least the most valuable/breakable. The child is too young to self regulate or control their impulses. Getting mad at them and/or punishing them is counterproductive. I recommend reading any of the books by Ross Greene (The Explosive Child) or Mona Delahooke (Beyond Behavior)., My son loves throwing too! I think it got better (he’s six) but I still catch myself reprimanding him for it occasionally. I’m surprised that getting the things taken away doesn’t work., I got a phonecall from the school the other week - my 6yo had managed to throw her jacket onto the roof of the school; the reason? She did not want to wear her jacket, despite the fact it was freezing (her class has a small, secure courtyard that the children have free access to for sensory breaks). She doesn't throw so much these days, and never threw maliciously, but it was something we could never manage to redirect for any length of time, luckily that phase has mostly passed. Though I was pretty impressed that she got her jacket onto the roof., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., Yup. We have tried having a safe area for throwing and having it full of safe for throwing things. Nope. That’s not nearly as fun as flipping the table, knocking over the chair, throwing the metal contigo cup at me, throwing the Xbox controller (that my husband left siting out), and throwing my AirPod case at me. 🙃, Yeah the tablet was thrown at my face yesterday too. Then when I said that wasn’t ok he went to try and step on my laptop for work that I had just moved out of my lap to get up and grab the tablet that was thrown at me., He’s in OT. Yes, he throws at school but nothing like he does at home., Oh I’m 100% on board with meds. My oldest gets his daily. He’s only 3.5 though so he can’t get any meds until 4 at the youngest. So. We wait…and slowly go insane in the meantime 🤣, It's like they have superhuman strength sometimes. I gave up on having a table and chairs. Metal cups and water bottles are the worst, those things hurt., My 9 year old was the same way although he never aimed for people. If he threw it then I took it away. It was the only thing that got through to him., My son did the same when he was at that age and you know what I did, I took anything away he threw. If he threw his toys, I took that toy away and if he threw any of my stuff, I took that away too. He learned to not throw stuff or it got taken. We also did time outs as well. Me and my son used to play tug o war with his door because he would not stay in his room., 4.5 year old here and this is one thing I can't seem to find a solution to. We even have those little ball pit balls and big tote buckets so there is a designated area and thing for throwing. Everything is thrown at my head instead., didn’t know if it was an asd thing but my 4 year old can’t stop throwing stuff too!, My kid loves throwing too., Currently dealing with this too. Any pushback from us and it’s a tablet or switch thrown for maximum effect. If he doesn’t get the response he will attempt to stomp it or find something else he knows he isn’t supposed to do and do that. I’ve taken the things away and it’s worked for about 5 seconds after he gets it back. I’m so over this phase of constant opposition, Is he in any therapies/programs right now? Does he throws things at school?, If ADHD is present, medication would help greatly . An adult with ADHd can do talk therapy, meditation, exercise etc.. an ADHD child can't do these things yet.Meds are the only thing that work till they're adults.  Trust me I didn't medicate my lil AUDHD till he was 5, and I slowed his progress. But I wanted to try "everything natural/holistic" first. I wasted a lot of time and money.  He takes an ADHD med and an antipsychotic. ADHD meds keep him focused and his mood balanced. The antipsychotic helps the  aggression like head hitting and violent outbursts he used to have.  I saw it as his brain is damaged due to his AUDHD, and he can't help what he's doing. He can not want to throw things, but his body is going to anyway.  So that's where the meds come in.  Idk maybe something to consider. GL and sending a big hug. It's not going to stay like this forever! 💪🏼👩‍👦, I think the only thing to do is put stuff away. Or at least the most valuable/breakable. The child is too young to self regulate or control their impulses. Getting mad at them and/or punishing them is counterproductive. I recommend reading any of the books by Ross Greene (The Explosive Child) or Mona Delahooke (Beyond Behavior)., My son loves throwing too! I think it got better (he’s six) but I still catch myself reprimanding him for it occasionally. I’m surprised that getting the things taken away doesn’t work., I got a phonecall from the school the other week - my 6yo had managed to throw her jacket onto the roof of the school; the reason? She did not want to wear her jacket, despite the fact it was freezing (her class has a small, secure courtyard that the children have free access to for sensory breaks). She doesn't throw so much these days, and never threw maliciously, but it was something we could never manage to redirect for any length of time, luckily that phase has mostly passed. Though I was pretty impressed that she got her jacket onto the roof., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., I’ve been taking the thrown things away from him since the first TV was broken at 19 months old. He’s 3 months shy of 4 and still hasn’t learned that if it’s thrown he loses it and gets time out in his room. He was in time out in his room yesterday (with me in there with him) for throwing when he threw his sound machine and broke that., Yup. We have tried having a safe area for throwing and having it full of safe for throwing things. Nope. That’s not nearly as fun as flipping the table, knocking over the chair, throwing the metal contigo cup at me, throwing the Xbox controller (that my husband left siting out), and throwing my AirPod case at me. 🙃, Yeah the tablet was thrown at my face yesterday too. Then when I said that wasn’t ok he went to try and step on my laptop for work that I had just moved out of my lap to get up and grab the tablet that was thrown at me., He’s in OT. Yes, he throws at school but nothing like he does at home., Oh I’m 100% on board with meds. My oldest gets his daily. He’s only 3.5 though so he can’t get any meds until 4 at the youngest. So. We wait…and slowly go insane in the meantime 🤣, It's like they have superhuman strength sometimes. I gave up on having a table and chairs. Metal cups and water bottles are the worst, those things hurt.

How do you all cope with other parents looking at your autistic child differently?

It’s hard for me to take my 3F to a park to play and it’s not the kids it’s majority parents. They give my daughter a look that makes me uncomfortable and I’ve always wanted to shelter her from being looked at differently. Same thing with starting school she will have to go to a special preschool and I’m so scared to let other people other than myself watch her. She’s not bad at all. I just want to shelter her from anyone that does not understand and it upsets me because I feel guilty…please help I’m so new to this and I’m crying.

Ya, I know what you mean. I usually just remind myself that my son doesn’t give a shit about those looks, so why should I? That tends to work. And then I go back to having fun with him., I just try to stay engaged with my son when we are out and we are so busy doing our own thing that everyone else fades to the background. Also people stare for different reasons. I know personally I have glanced at a parent taking care of a very disabled child in sheer admiration., As an autistic person myself, I can say with certainty that as a child, I absolutely did not understand when people looked at me with a dirty look or when they made fun of me. I'm an adult now, and I only know when people look at me differently because I was taught about what they do or what facial expressions they use when judging people. I say, you should keep taking your children out every chance you get. They gain a lot of good brain stimulation being outside and being in the sun. Ignore how the strangers look at you two, because when your kid grows up, he'll need to learn to ignore it too, just like I have. I'm 18 now and still get those dirty looks; everywhere I go, there are people who will see me as 'different' or 'weird', but I have learned to ignore them. As long as you don't give them attention, your child probably won't either., I have a 9 year old non-vernal son with ASD. It is very obvious that he has challenges and delays. I’ve struggled taking my son out in public and seeing people staring at him is annoying. I have to physically tell myself, “ok mama, here we go. Don’t give a flying f*** what anybody else thinks. You got this.” I’m not perfect, and when he has a behavior in public it breaks my heart, but I’ve grown tremendously through the years. I have no qualms about sitting on the floor of Walmart and help my son breath through a moment of anxiety. I might cry later on when I’m in bed or I may just pat myself in the back and smile at how well we got through that bump. Your feelings are valid. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to celebrate the little wins. If a parent stares, then I give them something to stare at. I praise my son, I give him big hugs, I laugh and play with him. Take it one day at a time., I'm not an expert, but I always think what was I like before I was exposed, and it's all down to education or a lack of it. I try not focusing on others to much ., One day at a time. Feel free to express yourself and it’s okay to be emotional. Another mom called my daughter a ‘little weirdo’ at the park not to long ago and it took A LOT to not cry (or beat her ass) I’ve learned it often affects us more than our kids, I keep telling myself that the only person that matters to me is my son and nobody else., I have a 3 year old son nonverbal who finishes first school year in a SPED/ASD PreK class with his therapies in school. He loves it. He loves his teachers and therapists. It was and is so hard for me to let go but it was so good. He has progressed so much as an independent semi verbal and he stands up for himself now. I was super honest with his teachers about my fears of him being away from him and they were wonderful comforting and send pictures to my phone especially in the early days. Adults can be awful and when they stare I'm like what are you looking at? Or can I fucking help you? Or are you waiting for him to do a trick? Or sometimes I'll stare at them until they notice. I'm just the outward expression of their rudeness I take no prisoners and I dgaf, It's okay mama. There's a grieving process with the diagnosis, and feelings of sadness will come and go. It's okay to be sad, but you also have to be strong for your daughter. As far as the playground goes, you hold your head up high and be the awesome mama that you are. You focus on your daughter, be proud of who she is, rejoice in her joy and her victories, and you let go of what anyone else thinks. Because tomorrow they won't remember you, but your daughter will. She's the only one who counts. And fuck what anyone else thinks., Have you seen the Disney short film, Float? It made me ugly cry, like giant sobs. But it actually helped me with those feelings. https://www.irancartoon.com/site/video/float-full-sparkshort-pixar When I'm having a moment, I sometimes watch it again and have another cry. Then I pull it together, and let my kid float., My daughter is older, and not too many people knew what Autism looked like 20 yrs ago. I just hated going out where "regular" kids were playing. So I started telling people who stared, "she's autistic. Do you have any questions? " Initially, I did it because I was so angry, but then it started conversations with other moms, and as years went by, more and more people would tell me about their family members with Autism. It's not easy, but it seemed to make people more accepting in those situations., You’re doing great. As someone who is 9 years into the journey, believe me, you will stop caring what other parents think., 3 out of 6 of mine are. I’ve thoroughly explained their neurodivergence to them. Things are getting better for our autistic children. I feel like it’s more understood by the day, and that gives our kids a leg up., Fuck em if they can't deal. You're the one doing the heavy lifting., I ignore them. It gets easier, with time., At first it really upset me, now I just smile and wave. If I receive an unwelcome comment I just say sorry I don't talk to strangers., For me, unless it's a person I'm close to or they have some sort of power over my life I consider other people's opinions to be their problem not mine. I know that's not the most helpful thing because I've seen how unhelpful it is to my wife when she goes through this but it's how I've come to deal with the world. I think, as I've started to read up on the topic I've always had some mild level of ASD and just coped very well. Most of the time I feel like an outsider in society anyway so people not 'getting' me is just background noise. I have a few friends and loved ones who get me and a woman who likes me well enough to marry me and have a kid with me so... I've got what I need. Hence why other people's opinions are their problem not mine., Oh man, I feel for you so much. It’s one of my biggest issues taking my 4F autistic child to the park. I’ve even heard parents tell their NT kids to stay away from her. When this happens, I confront them. I ask them why they told their kids that. I tell them that my daughter deserves to make friends, too. And I tell them that they should be teaching their children to embrace differences. Confrontations like these are normally impossible for me, considering I’m also autistic and bad with socializing. But I guess the need to be my daughter’s best advocate and defend her until the end trumps that fear of social interaction. That, and my daughter is hyper-aware, and notices those looks. They hurt her feelings, as she’s told me before. I know how much this hurts. But they are the ones with the real issues, the misunderstanding of differences. Not your little girl. People like that are the reason I felt so alienated my entire life. I will not allow my daughter to feel the way I did growing up. Stay strong, I can already tell you’re an amazing parent., My son is almost 5 and autistic. This weekend we went to a birthday party for one of his classmates at a trampoline park. All the other parents were sat upstairs drinking coffee and chatting and, for a moment, I was envious that I couldn't do the same and them looking at me wondering why I was at my son's side... After about 5mins of jumping and seeing the joy in his face, I thought "why do I give a shit about what anyone else thinks! This is so fun 😊", What makes it extra fun is my son is 2.5 and has the height of your average 4 or 5 year old. He is 99th percentile for height. So, even in the (honestly many) cases where he is acting in a completely developmentally appropriate fashion in what he can and can't do, he still sometimes gets looks, because people expect him to be acting like a 4 year old. So, yeah, I learned not to care, because I could not win. As long as my kid isn't hurting others or damaging things or generally being a jerk (which is behavior I am not okay with anyway), I don't pay attention to the opinions of others., I, probably a bit aggressively, give no shits. I have always been good at ignoring other people and now they literally don’t exist unless they say something to us. I’ve actually never had anyone say anything rude directly to me. Kids usually want to interact but aren’t sure how. It’s probably for the best that I do ignore other people because I fear if I did notice someone be a shit, I would be confrontational about it. I got bullied a decent amount as a kid but it was also instilled in me to stand tall and stand up for myself (thanks dad). This has been an excellent skill for parenting this awesome, wild boy of mine., It is harder in the younger years when you are seeing and dealing with these responses for the first time. Don’t cave under the seeming pressure of being in the negative spotlight. Keep showing up for your kid. Keep exposing your kid to the outside world, because, even though they are neurodivergent, they can be taught social skills, but need those interactions to learn them. Once your kid is in SPED pre-school, things may improve. They did for my son! He needed some time with kids of his kind and once he found a friend or two, and learned to sit and listen (and got into the classroom routine), he became more capable of interacting with the world. Will the stares ever cease? Probably not but he will find his people (and you will too) only by getting out and interacting, and going to school. Be strong! You are your kids’ best advocate and support system. And, in school, you will meet parents just like you, and you will support each other., It took a very long while for me to realize that my child didn't notice or care that anyone was looking at them weird. When I would get nasty comments during public meltdowns, I would just explain "he's autistic, mind your business. I have enough to deal with, I dont need you adding to it" sometimes I would be very loud about it and the person would often get embarrassed for harassing a mother with a special needs child. My son is 9 now and still doesn't have a care in the world if anyone looks at him differently., I don’t have any experience with the looks, not sure if it happens or if I just don’t notice it… but my son also goes to a special school specifically for autistic children and it was the best thing that could have happened to him. We went through the evaluation through the public school system and got his IEP written up, but because of how well he does academically they wanted to place him in a regular class and “evaluate further”. I knew that wouldn’t work so I found this private school and enrolled him there instead. He’s been there for two years now and loves it. The teachers all have degrees in special education, and they have BCBAs and ABA therapists on staff as well. Classroom size is only 6 kids with 3-4 adults in the room at all times. I was scared at first too, but I’m here to tell you not to be! The professional help has made the world of a difference for him., I bring my 4yo to the pool and his excitement is often very loud. People have left the open swim area and of course many people have given looks and stares (the older ladies doing swim exercises next to us always smile and say nice things). I usually just stare right back at them and they turn away haha. I'd like to think that their looks or behaviour does not come from a place of cruelty rather a place of curiosity. No need to feel guilty. Our children/people deserve to enjoy life like everyone else does. It's our job to make that happen. Keep it up ❤️., In time you will learn to stop giving a fuck about how other people look at her. You can not change other people's kindness or lack thereof. What you can do is show your daughter that you enter spaces with your head raised high because you are proud to be her mother. Letting go of what everyone else thinks is a very freeing thing., I'm gonna give you something different than most parents here. Encourage if possible your kid to play with or around other kids as much as possible. If the parents give you static smile and say something like "you think this is a lot? You should see them at 2AM!" Some parents suck. Some just need an ice breaker to act human. Their problem is their problem. If they don't take the olive branch they can fuck off., You can’t really shelter her from shitty people while at the same time getting her out there to learn grow and make progress. She’s going to have to deal with some shitty people in her life. Work now building up her self esteem. Take her to weekly therapy sessions with a psychologist so that she can learn strategies and resilience to shake off the mean looks and words. The nice thing is my son now 15 doesn’t really care what others think of him. Especially people who are trapped in a prison of what’s considered typical high school society. Everyone wearing the same clothes, listening to the same boring pop music, following the same stupid trends. He’s out there doing what he wants and what makes him happy. Playing guitar, loving his favorite weird experimental bands, geeking out on NASA and Space X, or horror films. He literally has zero stage fright he cares so little of others’ judgements about him., My nephew goes to a special needs sports day once a month held in the park, everyone participating is special needs or a care giver. It’s fantastic! He lives in Dublin and it’s put on by the local GAA (Gaelic Athletic Association). My brother-in-law is a big organizer for parents in need of autism services in Dublin. Try and find something like this in your area or start your own (if you feel ambitious?). It’s mostly for the parents to connect and socialize. It’s so important to feel comfortable in your community and your child is a part of the community too :), I usually ignore them and just focus on my kid. If they’re being especially rude, I’ll shoot them a look that usually stops them. I only say anything if my kid has noticed whatever rude thing happened, and then it’s generally something to my child (but loud enough for the rude person to hear) about how some people aren’t very good at being kind but that it’s their problem to work on and has nothing to do with us. That usually takes care of both my kid’s feelings, and the rude behaviour when they overhear me say it., Honestly, our biggest issue has been my family and random “friends”. I do get the occasional look from strangers with the very blatant look of disgust at whatever they have just deemed “bad” or “not normal”. And while I’m astounded at the general lack of compassion that people exhibit, I’ve been far more impacted by the same attitude of judgement coming from my own family (parents and sister) as well as a few friends. The general attitude I get is that they can’t handle being around my kid(s), and random comments have been made to me that suggest they all think if me and my husband were better parents or parented differently that my kid would be “normal”. I’m not sure how else to take the commentary other than that. I guess I didn’t realize that if only I were a better parent my child wouldn’t have a speech delay and some behaviors often associated with that like tantruming. When childless “friends” were visiting, they made a point to tell me that my dad didn’t come to a dinner I’d invited them all to because he couldn’t stand my kids, and months later was informed that my dad also mentioned how he’d parent differently. I haven’t spoken to said “friends” since, and I’ve initiated zero contact with my family since then. I’m at the point where my coping mechanism is cutting out absolutely everyone who can’t be compassionate and understanding, no matter who it is,, I oftentimes find myself being silly with them. I am like, your not gonna be doing this alone. Relax and have fun, who cares about the people. Most allistic people are not great people. Greedy, dishonest, violent, petty, just to name a few deficits ;), I've sort of got used to parents staring now and at least they usually stop staring when I stare back at them! Now I'm finding kids the worst! They will keep staring even after I start waving at them. And they also will sometimes ask questions. This annoys me because sometimes the parents are standing right there and they don't say anything while I have to explain the concept of disability to their child! We went to a birthday party at the weekend (for grown-ups but it started early with a bbq that was child friendly) and my son was having a great time playing with the outdoor toys and running around but a couple of young girls were giving him the most disgusted looks and they would not stop even when I stared back at them or smiled and waved. It was so infuriating!, All I can say is, who the fuck cares what other people think? Everyone has SOMETHING going on in their lives. And most people won’t spend more than a second’s thought on other peoples’ kids lol. People have their own shit to worry about. Plus most people are just fucking idiots so, again, who cares what they think!, If they stare too hard I smile and wave and they usually snap their necks back in place lmao. But for the most part I just ignore. I wonder how things look from the outside sometimes because I’m very used to how my son is. I know it’s pretty obvious he is disabled but I wonder what exactly do people think., We all go thru this phase of caring about other's opinion. For your kid's sake, just ignore them and do you. If your child hurts another child while playing then calmly apologize and tell them they have autism. I find most parent to be understanding when you mention it, if the need arises., Oh, I’m 36, my son is 9, and now I know that I don’t really give a shit about other people and their opinions and so do they. They will look at me and my son - say something and forget. It took me 5 years to realise this, but I feel free now., You get used to it, but until then, try not to notice. Like, tunnel vision focus on your kid. People will be people, not much to do about it., theres a pause sometimes but. Not all the time but they do stop, sometimes I dont even catch on., I was blessedly unaware of any side eye because I didn't figure out my kids were autistic until they were older. Just for perspective, what wound up happening was me internalizing it all. That I was a bad parent because my kids weren't like the other kids. That I was doing so many things wrong and my family enjoyed pointing out the ways in which my parenting was causing these things. They went through most of elementary school without any accomodations and both were bullied numerous times. I wish I would've known. Having them in a special preschool would've kept them from the teachers who corrected things that should have never been corrected. They would've been protected from the kids that took advantage of them. It feels hard to carry since you yourself don't understand what they're going through and they aren't be able to tell you for quite some time. But know you're doing the correct thing and giving them what they need, despite the pressure society puts on you. One of my autistic children just got diagnosed in middle school, at that tender age where the world is awkward and you just don't fit in. She's voiced how relieved she is to have accomodations and proudly goes to the neurodivergent club. Also - these new generations are SO MUCH MORE tolerant than ours (and especially our parents). It's really cool to see., Excellent. ☝️👍, Having a child with ASD and showing up for them in all aspects of life is a tribute to the resilience of a parents unconditional love. Despite the looks, whispers, and struggles we have all been made into amazing parents whether we asked for it or not. I have to tell myself that every day. Some days I believe It and some I don’t. Every day it stays true, Yeah!! I also discretly (at least I tried my best to be discreet) looked in admiration with all the care, kindness, and respect a parent was treating a child. I honestly wanted to praise that person, but I did not have the courage, Sometimes I lok to see it I can learn a new technique., I do that too! We all learn about the significance of people watching one another when you have a child with autism. It’s how people learn a lot. I find myself observing just how much young neurotypical toddlers stare! Autistic children often present like a neurotypical child but have different behaviour. With a person behaving differently, means the more people want to look to understand what is going on. Then there are the people that seem to take a lot longer to understand what is going on, so they watch and watch and watch!, Wtf. How cruel., That would’ve made my blood boil. Please tell me you put her on the spot and asked her wtf is wrong with her (her as in the shitty adult, not your daughter). Adults who belittle children are disgusting., Wow. Unbelievable. Idk how I would have responded. Definitely not as maturely as you did. Props to you. What an ahole., I would’ve LOST it and then cried too, I’m so sorry🥺, This makes me want to get a helicopter and head to that park with boxing gloves. Who on earth would say that?!, Thank you so much for this🥹❤️this has helped me tremendously!!, I will say, only a few years in, I've started to care a lot less to the point of not at all. I'm more observant than concerned or insulted by stares. I do think it's interesting that other kids for the most part see my son, notice something is different, take it in, maybe attempt to interact, and move on with their lives. I will see adults straight up stare at my son the entire time we're some place., It’s just so hard. Especially because she loves to hold hands and she always wants to hold EVERYONES hand🥹., All because she was swinging differently- she’s very small for her age only about 3ft and just hit 38lbs so she holds on differently., I did what I could choking back tears. I was so angry I could feel the heat coming off my chest under my shirt. My daughters deaf so it was literally nothing to her- but it broke my heart for the children who can hear and how awful that would be to hear from a stranger just because they doesn’t play the same., I couldn’t believe it. Said by a grown woman to her child and I’m assuming was her mother. I looked her in the eye and called her an ignorant asshole., It happens. I’m just happy my daughter didn’t hear it. I hate bully’s., I swear lol!, Can you redirect her to shake hands instead and model "hello" for her to copy? Your child sounds precious, dont beat yourself over this., Good for you! It kills me. Kids have a little bit of an excuse but adults should know better or at least have some sense of compassion, if nothing else, shame. I'm going to just carry a big bell with me to ring at people when appropriate. "Shame. Shame. Shame"

How do you choose what class your child goes into?

My son is in the 3rd/4th quarter of his Kindergarten year. He spent that in a self contained special education class. While he did well academically, he struggles with some behaviors and they are regularly noted. He's regarded as a hyper, impulsive child that is friendly, struggles with transitions and strives to please adults. His teacher wants him in regular first grade next year and I just don't think that's the best place for him. They are not willing to provide a 1to1 aide at this time. His testing to qualify if he's still disabled (autism, etc.) all put him at the lowest areas compared to his peers. I'm struggling, as basically a single parent with no insight. How do you know what placement is best? How do I know I'm fighting for the right things? I realize an advocate may be more knowledgeable, but the IEP is tomorrow and I find myself second guessing my reasoning and logic all day. Uodate for anyone: General education 1st grade with a 1 on 1 is how the IEP ended today.

So, your son sounds a lot like my brother growing up. Hyper, better in some academic areas than others, but friendly and he had the beginnings of social skills. My mom switched him to a regular classroom and it was the best thing ever for him. Pulling out of class and going back and forth all day was way too stressful for him because he didn't do well with transitions - and he made friends in gen ed that he didn't like leaving behind especially around lunch and recess. He was really good at math and he continued to do well, but his reading, which he had struggled with before, took off in the regular classroom. Maybe because they were able to devote more time, maybe because the focus wasn't on him directly and his behavior all the time, I'm not sure, but he became calmer and mainstreamed from then on and graduated with a regular high school diploma and then got a regular degree in college as well. He still keeps in touch with friends he made in elementary school who he played baseball with. Me, on the other hand, as an autistic person who needs quiet - I did better in the smaller class and took gifted and AP programs all the way through (and also got my college degree). But that's why they call it a spectrum! Anyway, I think you should give the regular classroom a shot!, My completely biased opinion: I am visually impaired (legally blind as a child). My school insisted that I go to self contained classes. My mom insisted that I go to gen ed, see how I did, and go from there. I'm eternally grateful to her for standing up for me the way she did. I excelled in school despite my disability and lack of consistent accommodations. I have a Master's Degree and run my own business. If I was forced into a self contained class.... I don't know what my life would be like. Because of my own experience, I'm a strong advocate for "least restrictive environment". If he hasn't tried being in the main classroom, let him try. He may surprise you. If you put him in general class, can it be part of the IEP that you all check in more regularly to monitor progress and move him back to self contained if needed? I would set clear boundaries in the IEP meeting about what to do if XYZ happens and when to call it quits and move him back. On the flip side, you know your child best. If you think that he would not be able to handle being in the general classroom, advocate for him to remain in self contained., Would s cotaught classroom (general education plus special education teachers with both disabled and nondisabled classmates) be an option?, I think it’s a worth a try if he’s excelling academically. My son doesn’t do well academically, while he is smart, his muscle movements don’t allow him to write legibly. I know he would love to be in Gen Ed, he’s extremely social, but there is no way he would understand how to follow along with the other kids let alone a lesson in class. I think it’s worth letting him try. I think children enjoy a challenge, gives them something to be proud of. Best of luck to you and your sweet child!, Demand a 1 on 1 aide in the general education classroom setting, as it is the least restrictive environment. Especially if his teacher is recommending that type of placement. My son's teacher did not recommend a general ed. placement last year and i had to fight fo it. Best decision I made b/c my son is thriving academically in it. In a self contained room, the academics are not like you would get in a regular grade level classroom., 100% go for Gen Ed., Thank you. I've read some things about learned helplessness that have made me second guess my thoughts. I'm so glad you excelled. I just don't want to break his spirit or in a place he feels is too chaotic. Just that momma heart, wishing I knew what the right ratio of encouragement/protection he needed., I feel like that's a totally different situation to autism. Literally any other disability, yes, absolutely. We had our kid in a mainstream classroom and it was a disaster. When your child's disability is trouble with social interaction, that's basically specifically a disability with mainstream classrooms. If my kid could cope in mainstream, he essentially wouldn't be autistic. The only autistic kids I've seen be okay in mainstream is where their primary issue was intellectual disability., I love this reply. I’m not OP, but thank you. I’m wrestling with pushing for my daughter to move out of a self-contained class and into a less restrictive environment. I don’t want to limit her., This is my suggestion. My son struggles immensely with following directions (it's really just getting him to slow down enough to gain his attention). I would rather see the same class environment with a pull out for some of his stronger academics and then re-evaluate for 2nd grade. If it goes well, he has some familiarity with faces and staff for a (hopefully) smoother transition later. If not, I think we could mitigate the damage/setbacks and return him to full inclusivity. However, the school makes it seem like they don't have enough aides to run him from class to class. I'm not without empathy, but other students have this accommodation. Why not my son, too? This is my current standing for the IEP tomorrow. I really feel like it's the most reasonable transition., I agree with you that it is a different disability. Autism itself is such a spectrum that it looks different for everyone. Some folks with Autism do just fine with mainstream classes and can manage to mask their way through life without a diagnosis, some need in patient treatment because they're a consistent danger to themselves and others. I went undiagnosed my entire life. My brother was diagnosed, but never got anything except speech therapy despite severe behavioral challenges. I have worked with kids with varying levels of Autism- some able to be in mainstream classes, some in self contained, some doing a hybrid, and unfortunately some in inpatient treatment. My opinion was based on my experience and OP's description of her child's behavior, as well as the fact that school professionals are suggesting mainstream classes and OP's hesitance is rooted in anxiety for her child (which is totally understandable). I am by no means trying to shame anyone who has their child in a self contained class, and I apologize if my comment came off that way. It sounds like you tried mainstream and it didn't work for your kiddo, and that is perfectly okay! That's the goal with "least restrictive environment"- not to put everyone with a label in the same box, but to find what's right for each individual. Thankfully, self contained is available so that your child can still go to mainstream school, which is still less restrictive than some other kiddos who can't handle public school at all. I hope that your kiddo is thriving in the environment that works best for him., So, your son sounds a lot like my brother growing up. Hyper, better in some academic areas than others, but friendly and he had the beginnings of social skills. My mom switched him to a regular classroom and it was the best thing ever for him. Pulling out of class and going back and forth all day was way too stressful for him because he didn't do well with transitions - and he made friends in gen ed that he didn't like leaving behind especially around lunch and recess. He was really good at math and he continued to do well, but his reading, which he had struggled with before, took off in the regular classroom. Maybe because they were able to devote more time, maybe because the focus wasn't on him directly and his behavior all the time, I'm not sure, but he became calmer and mainstreamed from then on and graduated with a regular high school diploma and then got a regular degree in college as well. He still keeps in touch with friends he made in elementary school who he played baseball with. Me, on the other hand, as an autistic person who needs quiet - I did better in the smaller class and took gifted and AP programs all the way through (and also got my college degree). But that's why they call it a spectrum! Anyway, I think you should give the regular classroom a shot!, My completely biased opinion: I am visually impaired (legally blind as a child). My school insisted that I go to self contained classes. My mom insisted that I go to gen ed, see how I did, and go from there. I'm eternally grateful to her for standing up for me the way she did. I excelled in school despite my disability and lack of consistent accommodations. I have a Master's Degree and run my own business. If I was forced into a self contained class.... I don't know what my life would be like. Because of my own experience, I'm a strong advocate for "least restrictive environment". If he hasn't tried being in the main classroom, let him try. He may surprise you. If you put him in general class, can it be part of the IEP that you all check in more regularly to monitor progress and move him back to self contained if needed? I would set clear boundaries in the IEP meeting about what to do if XYZ happens and when to call it quits and move him back. On the flip side, you know your child best. If you think that he would not be able to handle being in the general classroom, advocate for him to remain in self contained., Would s cotaught classroom (general education plus special education teachers with both disabled and nondisabled classmates) be an option?, I think it’s a worth a try if he’s excelling academically. My son doesn’t do well academically, while he is smart, his muscle movements don’t allow him to write legibly. I know he would love to be in Gen Ed, he’s extremely social, but there is no way he would understand how to follow along with the other kids let alone a lesson in class. I think it’s worth letting him try. I think children enjoy a challenge, gives them something to be proud of. Best of luck to you and your sweet child!, Demand a 1 on 1 aide in the general education classroom setting, as it is the least restrictive environment. Especially if his teacher is recommending that type of placement. My son's teacher did not recommend a general ed. placement last year and i had to fight fo it. Best decision I made b/c my son is thriving academically in it. In a self contained room, the academics are not like you would get in a regular grade level classroom., 100% go for Gen Ed., Thank you. I've read some things about learned helplessness that have made me second guess my thoughts. I'm so glad you excelled. I just don't want to break his spirit or in a place he feels is too chaotic. Just that momma heart, wishing I knew what the right ratio of encouragement/protection he needed., I feel like that's a totally different situation to autism. Literally any other disability, yes, absolutely. We had our kid in a mainstream classroom and it was a disaster. When your child's disability is trouble with social interaction, that's basically specifically a disability with mainstream classrooms. If my kid could cope in mainstream, he essentially wouldn't be autistic. The only autistic kids I've seen be okay in mainstream is where their primary issue was intellectual disability., I love this reply. I’m not OP, but thank you. I’m wrestling with pushing for my daughter to move out of a self-contained class and into a less restrictive environment. I don’t want to limit her., This is my suggestion. My son struggles immensely with following directions (it's really just getting him to slow down enough to gain his attention). I would rather see the same class environment with a pull out for some of his stronger academics and then re-evaluate for 2nd grade. If it goes well, he has some familiarity with faces and staff for a (hopefully) smoother transition later. If not, I think we could mitigate the damage/setbacks and return him to full inclusivity. However, the school makes it seem like they don't have enough aides to run him from class to class. I'm not without empathy, but other students have this accommodation. Why not my son, too? This is my current standing for the IEP tomorrow. I really feel like it's the most reasonable transition., I agree with you that it is a different disability. Autism itself is such a spectrum that it looks different for everyone. Some folks with Autism do just fine with mainstream classes and can manage to mask their way through life without a diagnosis, some need in patient treatment because they're a consistent danger to themselves and others. I went undiagnosed my entire life. My brother was diagnosed, but never got anything except speech therapy despite severe behavioral challenges. I have worked with kids with varying levels of Autism- some able to be in mainstream classes, some in self contained, some doing a hybrid, and unfortunately some in inpatient treatment. My opinion was based on my experience and OP's description of her child's behavior, as well as the fact that school professionals are suggesting mainstream classes and OP's hesitance is rooted in anxiety for her child (which is totally understandable). I am by no means trying to shame anyone who has their child in a self contained class, and I apologize if my comment came off that way. It sounds like you tried mainstream and it didn't work for your kiddo, and that is perfectly okay! That's the goal with "least restrictive environment"- not to put everyone with a label in the same box, but to find what's right for each individual. Thankfully, self contained is available so that your child can still go to mainstream school, which is still less restrictive than some other kiddos who can't handle public school at all. I hope that your kiddo is thriving in the environment that works best for him., So, your son sounds a lot like my brother growing up. Hyper, better in some academic areas than others, but friendly and he had the beginnings of social skills. My mom switched him to a regular classroom and it was the best thing ever for him. Pulling out of class and going back and forth all day was way too stressful for him because he didn't do well with transitions - and he made friends in gen ed that he didn't like leaving behind especially around lunch and recess. He was really good at math and he continued to do well, but his reading, which he had struggled with before, took off in the regular classroom. Maybe because they were able to devote more time, maybe because the focus wasn't on him directly and his behavior all the time, I'm not sure, but he became calmer and mainstreamed from then on and graduated with a regular high school diploma and then got a regular degree in college as well. He still keeps in touch with friends he made in elementary school who he played baseball with. Me, on the other hand, as an autistic person who needs quiet - I did better in the smaller class and took gifted and AP programs all the way through (and also got my college degree). But that's why they call it a spectrum! Anyway, I think you should give the regular classroom a shot!, My completely biased opinion: I am visually impaired (legally blind as a child). My school insisted that I go to self contained classes. My mom insisted that I go to gen ed, see how I did, and go from there. I'm eternally grateful to her for standing up for me the way she did. I excelled in school despite my disability and lack of consistent accommodations. I have a Master's Degree and run my own business. If I was forced into a self contained class.... I don't know what my life would be like. Because of my own experience, I'm a strong advocate for "least restrictive environment". If he hasn't tried being in the main classroom, let him try. He may surprise you. If you put him in general class, can it be part of the IEP that you all check in more regularly to monitor progress and move him back to self contained if needed? I would set clear boundaries in the IEP meeting about what to do if XYZ happens and when to call it quits and move him back. On the flip side, you know your child best. If you think that he would not be able to handle being in the general classroom, advocate for him to remain in self contained., Would s cotaught classroom (general education plus special education teachers with both disabled and nondisabled classmates) be an option?, I think it’s a worth a try if he’s excelling academically. My son doesn’t do well academically, while he is smart, his muscle movements don’t allow him to write legibly. I know he would love to be in Gen Ed, he’s extremely social, but there is no way he would understand how to follow along with the other kids let alone a lesson in class. I think it’s worth letting him try. I think children enjoy a challenge, gives them something to be proud of. Best of luck to you and your sweet child!, Demand a 1 on 1 aide in the general education classroom setting, as it is the least restrictive environment. Especially if his teacher is recommending that type of placement. My son's teacher did not recommend a general ed. placement last year and i had to fight fo it. Best decision I made b/c my son is thriving academically in it. In a self contained room, the academics are not like you would get in a regular grade level classroom., 100% go for Gen Ed., Thank you. I've read some things about learned helplessness that have made me second guess my thoughts. I'm so glad you excelled. I just don't want to break his spirit or in a place he feels is too chaotic. Just that momma heart, wishing I knew what the right ratio of encouragement/protection he needed., I feel like that's a totally different situation to autism. Literally any other disability, yes, absolutely. We had our kid in a mainstream classroom and it was a disaster. When your child's disability is trouble with social interaction, that's basically specifically a disability with mainstream classrooms. If my kid could cope in mainstream, he essentially wouldn't be autistic. The only autistic kids I've seen be okay in mainstream is where their primary issue was intellectual disability., I love this reply. I’m not OP, but thank you. I’m wrestling with pushing for my daughter to move out of a self-contained class and into a less restrictive environment. I don’t want to limit her., This is my suggestion. My son struggles immensely with following directions (it's really just getting him to slow down enough to gain his attention). I would rather see the same class environment with a pull out for some of his stronger academics and then re-evaluate for 2nd grade. If it goes well, he has some familiarity with faces and staff for a (hopefully) smoother transition later. If not, I think we could mitigate the damage/setbacks and return him to full inclusivity. However, the school makes it seem like they don't have enough aides to run him from class to class. I'm not without empathy, but other students have this accommodation. Why not my son, too? This is my current standing for the IEP tomorrow. I really feel like it's the most reasonable transition., I agree with you that it is a different disability. Autism itself is such a spectrum that it looks different for everyone. Some folks with Autism do just fine with mainstream classes and can manage to mask their way through life without a diagnosis, some need in patient treatment because they're a consistent danger to themselves and others. I went undiagnosed my entire life. My brother was diagnosed, but never got anything except speech therapy despite severe behavioral challenges. I have worked with kids with varying levels of Autism- some able to be in mainstream classes, some in self contained, some doing a hybrid, and unfortunately some in inpatient treatment. My opinion was based on my experience and OP's description of her child's behavior, as well as the fact that school professionals are suggesting mainstream classes and OP's hesitance is rooted in anxiety for her child (which is totally understandable). I am by no means trying to shame anyone who has their child in a self contained class, and I apologize if my comment came off that way. It sounds like you tried mainstream and it didn't work for your kiddo, and that is perfectly okay! That's the goal with "least restrictive environment"- not to put everyone with a label in the same box, but to find what's right for each individual. Thankfully, self contained is available so that your child can still go to mainstream school, which is still less restrictive than some other kiddos who can't handle public school at all. I hope that your kiddo is thriving in the environment that works best for him., So, your son sounds a lot like my brother growing up. Hyper, better in some academic areas than others, but friendly and he had the beginnings of social skills. My mom switched him to a regular classroom and it was the best thing ever for him. Pulling out of class and going back and forth all day was way too stressful for him because he didn't do well with transitions - and he made friends in gen ed that he didn't like leaving behind especially around lunch and recess. He was really good at math and he continued to do well, but his reading, which he had struggled with before, took off in the regular classroom. Maybe because they were able to devote more time, maybe because the focus wasn't on him directly and his behavior all the time, I'm not sure, but he became calmer and mainstreamed from then on and graduated with a regular high school diploma and then got a regular degree in college as well. He still keeps in touch with friends he made in elementary school who he played baseball with. Me, on the other hand, as an autistic person who needs quiet - I did better in the smaller class and took gifted and AP programs all the way through (and also got my college degree). But that's why they call it a spectrum! Anyway, I think you should give the regular classroom a shot!, My completely biased opinion: I am visually impaired (legally blind as a child). My school insisted that I go to self contained classes. My mom insisted that I go to gen ed, see how I did, and go from there. I'm eternally grateful to her for standing up for me the way she did. I excelled in school despite my disability and lack of consistent accommodations. I have a Master's Degree and run my own business. If I was forced into a self contained class.... I don't know what my life would be like. Because of my own experience, I'm a strong advocate for "least restrictive environment". If he hasn't tried being in the main classroom, let him try. He may surprise you. If you put him in general class, can it be part of the IEP that you all check in more regularly to monitor progress and move him back to self contained if needed? I would set clear boundaries in the IEP meeting about what to do if XYZ happens and when to call it quits and move him back. On the flip side, you know your child best. If you think that he would not be able to handle being in the general classroom, advocate for him to remain in self contained., Would s cotaught classroom (general education plus special education teachers with both disabled and nondisabled classmates) be an option?, I think it’s a worth a try if he’s excelling academically. My son doesn’t do well academically, while he is smart, his muscle movements don’t allow him to write legibly. I know he would love to be in Gen Ed, he’s extremely social, but there is no way he would understand how to follow along with the other kids let alone a lesson in class. I think it’s worth letting him try. I think children enjoy a challenge, gives them something to be proud of. Best of luck to you and your sweet child!, Demand a 1 on 1 aide in the general education classroom setting, as it is the least restrictive environment. Especially if his teacher is recommending that type of placement. My son's teacher did not recommend a general ed. placement last year and i had to fight fo it. Best decision I made b/c my son is thriving academically in it. In a self contained room, the academics are not like you would get in a regular grade level classroom., 100% go for Gen Ed., Thank you. I've read some things about learned helplessness that have made me second guess my thoughts. I'm so glad you excelled. I just don't want to break his spirit or in a place he feels is too chaotic. Just that momma heart, wishing I knew what the right ratio of encouragement/protection he needed., I feel like that's a totally different situation to autism. Literally any other disability, yes, absolutely. We had our kid in a mainstream classroom and it was a disaster. When your child's disability is trouble with social interaction, that's basically specifically a disability with mainstream classrooms. If my kid could cope in mainstream, he essentially wouldn't be autistic. The only autistic kids I've seen be okay in mainstream is where their primary issue was intellectual disability., I love this reply. I’m not OP, but thank you. I’m wrestling with pushing for my daughter to move out of a self-contained class and into a less restrictive environment. I don’t want to limit her., This is my suggestion. My son struggles immensely with following directions (it's really just getting him to slow down enough to gain his attention). I would rather see the same class environment with a pull out for some of his stronger academics and then re-evaluate for 2nd grade. If it goes well, he has some familiarity with faces and staff for a (hopefully) smoother transition later. If not, I think we could mitigate the damage/setbacks and return him to full inclusivity. However, the school makes it seem like they don't have enough aides to run him from class to class. I'm not without empathy, but other students have this accommodation. Why not my son, too? This is my current standing for the IEP tomorrow. I really feel like it's the most reasonable transition., I agree with you that it is a different disability. Autism itself is such a spectrum that it looks different for everyone. Some folks with Autism do just fine with mainstream classes and can manage to mask their way through life without a diagnosis, some need in patient treatment because they're a consistent danger to themselves and others. I went undiagnosed my entire life. My brother was diagnosed, but never got anything except speech therapy despite severe behavioral challenges. I have worked with kids with varying levels of Autism- some able to be in mainstream classes, some in self contained, some doing a hybrid, and unfortunately some in inpatient treatment. My opinion was based on my experience and OP's description of her child's behavior, as well as the fact that school professionals are suggesting mainstream classes and OP's hesitance is rooted in anxiety for her child (which is totally understandable). I am by no means trying to shame anyone who has their child in a self contained class, and I apologize if my comment came off that way. It sounds like you tried mainstream and it didn't work for your kiddo, and that is perfectly okay! That's the goal with "least restrictive environment"- not to put everyone with a label in the same box, but to find what's right for each individual. Thankfully, self contained is available so that your child can still go to mainstream school, which is still less restrictive than some other kiddos who can't handle public school at all. I hope that your kiddo is thriving in the environment that works best for him.

How do you discipline your autistic child?

Hey guys! I’m newer here. I have a 2 year old beautiful autistic baby girl. I just need to vent. My mom told me that I need to learn how to discipline my daughter. This was all brought up cuz I confided in my sister that my daughter is going through a regression stage right now. Anyway, she told my mom and my mom called me and asked me what was going on with my daughter and I told her like she’s not doing what she was before. She’s in her regression stage. She was like you need to start disciplining her. I was like how am I supposed to discipline her when she would not understand why we are disciplining her. We don’t spank her cuz that would just make her worst and I won’t do anything. We do put her in her bed with no tv for a “time out”. Then my mom was like you’re a bad parent if you don’t discipline your daughter. It’s like wtf am I supposed to do. One thing she said was “treat her like she’s normal”. Like I already treat her as a normal little girl. What else am I supposed to do? I need some suggestions or advice please. I’m at a loss for of what to do

I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol, I would say we treat our daughter "normally' We use natural consequences. If you throw the toy, you're done with the toy. If you throw your food, you're done eating. If you hit, I'm walking away. If you spill your cup of snacks, you pick them up. It all depends though on your child's level of understanding., My advice is to stop listening to your mom. Discipline is a complicated word even for NT people. I would implement logical and natural consequences as they come up. For example, if you throw a toy, you don't get it back. Even with NT two year olds, so much parenting is just keeping them safe. Taking away dangerous things or removing them from dangerous situations IS discipline. I would consider looking into Janet Lansbury or Dr. Becky and their podcasts. Their tips might not always work on ND children, but I think the ideas are good at the core. Janet even talks about "toddler discipline without shame." Your mom likely has a very different idea of what parenting should look like, but we know more now. I would also consider asking your sister to not share certain things with your mom and if your sister continues to do so, perhaps find a new person to confide in., Honestly if the LO is Level 3 Discipline at this stage is not prudent beyond the basics. Example LO throws toy outside of pack and play they don’t get it back. I.e cause = effect They will not understand but incorporate the ASL sign “No” “Stop” & “Thats Enough”. That way they can correlate gross motor with fine motor brain functionality. Keep it basic and focus on learning skills., As one commenter said, natural consequences are a good technique. That way it's not the parent punishing the child, it's the child learning the cause-and-effect of their actions. Time outs didn't work for our daughter - they just made her more agitated, bordering on destructive. We had to learn over time what her triggers were and how to avoid them or remove her from situations that were triggering her. Punishment often escalates the situation. On the contrary, our children often do best when they are emotionally regulated. However, time outs may be a good strategy for your sister and mom. They aren't experts in this, despite what they might think. They are also conflating "discipline" with "punishment." If they can't put their egos in check, it may be time to take a break from them., Throw out all the rules for autism. Until about the age of 6 we only did positive incentives. For disruptive behavior or meltdowns, we prevented or distracted. Your child’s emotional life is going to be a bumpy one. I would try to foster a trust environment over a punishment environment. Even at 7 and a half. Even NT children at the age of 2 will have trouble associating cause and effect. They have zero impulse control and no emotional regulation., Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Dealing with discipline issues, especially with a child who has autism, can be super tough and everyone has different opinions that they think are 'the right way'. But you're doing great by seeking advice and support. Here are some thoughts on what you can do instead of traditional 'discipline': First off, understanding what's triggering your daughter's behavior is key. Keeping track of her behavior patterns can help identify triggers and develop appropriate strategies. Instead of just focusing on discipline, try giving lots of praise and rewards when she does something awesome. Positive reinforcement can really work wonders. Visual supports like schedules or picture cards can also be a game-changer. They help make expectations clearer for your daughter, which can make a big difference. Consistency is huge too. Establishing clear rules and sticking to them, no matter what, helps create a sense of routine and stability that can be super comforting. And don't forget about sensory stuff! Sensory overload can be a big factor in behavior issues. Adding sensory activities or breaks into her routine can help her regulate and stay calm. Don't be afraid to reach out to professionals for support either :) They can offer personalized strategies and tips that fit your daughter's needs. Lastly, take care of yourself! Parenting is tough, especially when you throw autism into the mix. So make sure you're getting the support you need too. You've got this! <3 \---- *Quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, We did exactly what you did with time out, but we called it quiet time. Most of the time she was acting out due to being overstimulated and she literally just needed a quiet space to calm down., I was treated normally as well, by very wonderful parents, but I am not normal and it messed me up. Only just now diagnosed at 46 but during the process I went through my baby book and report cards and my parents also wrote down I was very hard to discipline and they couldn't figure out why. I don't have any tips or advice for you but I am just here to tell you not every kid is normal and treating them as such can cause damage., When kids are that little, traditional “discipline” is going to make things worse. More than anything you need to use positive reinforcement when they aren’t doing the unwanted behavior or when they stop. Positive reinforcement is used everryyyywhere in Autism therapy and shows great results. Also using natural consequences is likely the best way for them to make a connection for true discipline. Time outs are likely very confusing and not fixing any poor behavior associations. As for mom’s advice, find what works best for you and tell her “thank you, I am working through this with her therapists right now” or something like that. That way she knows you’re working on it and have a plan but in your own way. You can also share that while you treat her normal, autistic people have very different brains than NT children and so you will have to do some things different as the way they learn and process the world is different. And honestly time outs aren’t always great for NT kids either! One really theme I’ve learned is it’s ok for your child to experience emotions. They are new to this world and don’t know how to appropriately express that, especially with their neurological differences. Try not to suppress the emotion but instead correct the behavior (example: it’s ok to be angry or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit). Lots of books out there to help with this!! Ask your early intervention program too, they are so helpful!, Thanks everyone for the advice!!, My child is almost 22 years old now. His only enforced rule as a small child was being gentle with baby brother who is 15months younger. This was a time out for 1.5 minutes, going with the idea of 1min per year old they are. Now I did talk a lot about rules and what we should do and shouldn’t do. Because he didn’t talk or seem to understand things I basically narrated life, so I talked a lot and assumed competence in spite of not knowing for sure. This worked for me even though at the time I was just going with my gut feeling on what to do with many lectures from my mother in law on how I was doing it wrong. As it turns out my child became a rule follower somewhere around 5 years old, everything I ever told him just sort of clicked. My child is the most gentle person I know, and at 6feet 300lbs probably a benefit but also is not good with self advocacy or explaining any frustrations they have. Now I have guilt because maybe it’s my fault for the few times I made him sit by the wall for a few minutes., Why would you need to discipline a 2 year old? And even a neurotypical 2 year old wouldn’t understand discipline. We allowed for natural consequences at that age for all our children. Children under the age of 2 don’t understand time outs. Redirection is the best thing at this age and all the things others have mentioned about ignoring and natural consequences. Your mom comes from a different time and doesn’t understand child development as has been documented recently. She has an old school way of raising kids. It’s been proven that doesn’t work, esp with children on the spectrum., Distract her like you would a younger a child. She’s basically too young for anything else. If she has a huge meltdown you can always put her in a safe place to calm down., A lot for us comes down to making very clear rules, explaining them simply, and then enforcing them for everyone.  The four rules of our home are: 1. Everyone stays safe 2. Nobody makes a mess/take care of our environment 3. Your body belongs to you 4. We are kind These are in order of importance and if following rule 2 means breaking rule 1 then rule 1 wins. Every rule in our house is a variation of those 4 and we always tie in our expectations with those 4 rules.  Everyone in our house is expected to follow the rules and the children are welcome to point out if they feel our behavior is breaking the rules and we will either explain what's going on or we will change our behavior. We view behavior as communicating.  If my kids are misbehaving it either means that there's something in the way of them being successful, they lack skills that they need, or my expectations are too high., Mom to a L3 son w autism (he’s 30). Discipline can be abusive to a regressive child w/autism that’s retreating bc they’re overwhelmed. We use a lot of identifying triggers, antecedents, including unmet sensory needs, possible sickness / unidentified pain, environmental triggers that can easily overwhelm & cause children w autism to act out Behavior a lot of times IS their communication! Once you’ve exhausted this it’s important to focus on the behaviors you want to increase. So finding her doing what is positive/desired and praising her a ton…lots of attention to the behaviors you want to see more of and casually redirect behaviors that are negative. (So negative behaviors would get no emotional reactions ). Hope this makes sense!! Behaviorally these techniques are referred to as DRA, DRO or DRI. That’s ABA speak 😉 as far as your mom is concerned?? You cannot discipline the autism out of a child. Especially one that is profoundly affected., Just tell your Mum you prefer promoting positive behaviour and most 2 year olds don't respond to old fashioned discipline anyway, let alone when neurodivergent, Nope we don’t discipline, What you do is… don’t listen to your mom. My son is 2. He has now began to understand the word no. So we tell him no when he’s doing things he’s not supposed to and he stops but prior to this he didn’t understand so it’s was pointless to tell him so. Until he understood he was just removed from situations and put in a safe place if he got mad, https://psychcentral.com/pro/child-therapist/2019/12/differential-reinforcement-using-differential-reinforcement-to-reduce-maladaptive-behaviors This is a great description of how well differential reinforcement of desired behaviors works. It can be incorporated into any environment. We spent more years than I’d like to admit using techniques that we didnt realize were reinforcing my son to have more negative / maladaptive behaviors. Also joining your daughter in her world to play and interact using her interests is such a positive & therapeutic approach ❤️, No spanking but establishing boundaries and a framework of what is "not ok". We use timers at work with my son(7 years old now) for almost everything, so I use the timer for very short timeouts and explain the why with simple words. He cries a lot and says he's sorry, I tell him I love him but keep explaining why he is being disciplined. My son is quite chill usually but as he is growing he is being more assertive (aka stubborn, lol). Within those boundaries/framework of what he knows now we are not ok with, we allow freedom, freedom to choose, or we let things go. But hitting, biting those are the biggest no no., My MIL told my husband to send my ASD (likely with ARFID) 3 year old to bed without food if he doesn’t eat what we give him. And that was the end of our cordial relationship., It depends on the situation. Redirection is usually the best course of action. My son can be a bit destructive, he has sensory issue and like the feel of something snapping. We remove things like tablets if he's being to rough. If he breaks a toy, it's garbage. He doesn't really understand consequences so the natural consequences are what he gets. He doesn't understand time outs either so removing and Redirection are out best bets. Hitting a child who can't understand what they are doing is wrong, will not teach them right from wrong, and hitting any child, including NT children is more likely to teach them that hitting when they are angry is acceptable. I was abused and refuse to cross that line with my kids. If you hit an adult that upsets you or does something that you disagree with, that's assualt. Why should taking out your frustrations on an innocent child who doesn't understand be any different?, You and your partner knows best how to raise your child and paradigm changes. My mother told us we were to strict and I told her to shut up. You can "disapleen" her according to her mental age, it is hard I know , we have an 12 year infantil autisme and it is super hard, but you know best, newer forget that. After our do got diagnosed as 11 year old, we wrote in a family group that we decided what is best for him , we no arguments from others.. You are her pillar, her lighthouse, so you need to be strong for all of you and do not listen to mu j to your parents they have raised children in another time., OK, take this with a grain of salt... But this is all from my **own** experiences of discipline as a child and how I interpreted it as a *level 1 autist*. My parents often tried to use timeouts, or rather, desperately *locking* me in my room for minutes and sometimes up to a good hour. I would scream, scream, scream, bang the door and bawl my eyes out. Primarily finding them traumatic and not connecting them to any sort of action -> consequence. Even though I had misbehaved. Also, it often resulted in them simply not coping with me screaming bloody murder, and letting me out eventually. Which I obviously registered as a success! 🙃 Something that my parents **didn't** use that often, however, was taking things away. Or denying experiences/activites. I remember that I took such threats more to heart, and understood very clearly from a young age the action -> consequence connection there. Especially if pronounced long beforehand, or when something escalated. I don't know what the science says on this for either neurotypical or neurodivergent children, though. And I don't remember anything from the age of 2 specifically!, You might find some information here, it is mainly for adhd but have some information on autisme as well https://www.additudemag.com/?s=Autisme&fs=&orderby=&weight=&facets%5Bpost_type%5D%5B%5D=post, It was so hard at that stage for us, too. It's a bit easier now because his understanding has increased greatly. But at the age, it's really natural consequences, and removing either the child from the situation or an object (toy) from the situation. We did time outs in the same spot for 1 minute for each year old, not in the child's bed, because I read something in a parenting book that their bed should be their place of safety, not discipline (just something to think about). At that age, I was also focused on correcting issues that were matters of safety. So anything that they were doing that might harm them or someone else. Then, later, we progressed to manners, respect, social rules, and house rules. Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent and in the moment. You can't pick and choose when to correct the same behavior, and you can't delay the correction until later, it needs to be immediate., When my daughter was two, we struggled with finding a discipline tactic that worked. Natural consequences didn’t really work - she’d still repeat it all the next chance she got, no matter the repercussion. Then, we started to notice something: she was tired and overwhelmed/overstimulated. So, we’d sit her in her tent for “a break”. She had books, her soother, her blanket, and silence. Some days she might take a brief nap and wake up in a better mood - other days, she’s read and sit for awhile before deciding she felt better. When her mood was improved, she was allowed to come back out. We’d give her a healthy snack and a drink. We’d sit and play for a bit and talk about her behaviour (were you tired and feeling grumpy? Gentle hands are nicer than angry hands. Etc). and then we’d continue on with our day. Sometimes we had to walk her back in and explain she was on “a break” and set an egg timer for her. Some days, we’d deal with a meltdown and lay with her until she was calm again. All the same, she was just too little at the age of two to know how to regulate, so her behaviour would change and she’d do things that were not okay. She’s 8 now. She still struggles to regulate when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty, or if she’s sick. Beyond that, if she needs discipline, we send her on “a break” and then we talk about why her behaviour was not okay. We only take things away if she is physically violent with them (throwing, hitting with an object), and that’s rare. We do stick to house rules and review them with her, too. And we also have things like: “We don’t do dangerous things.” Or “We tidy up our messes”, or, “Inside voices are easy to hear.” Etc. I don’t know if any of this can helped OP, but it may offer some alternatives., I absolutely love this thread because this is exactly the question I've been trying to figure out myself. Thank you., Those focusing on your mum and saying she's the one with the issue, imo, are vejbg far too harsh. All children need rules and guidance. If you exchange the word disinformation boundaries in what your mum said, you'd see things differently. Setting boundaries and being consistent is key for all children. How this looks for you will depend on your style and situation. Within reason, most 2 year olds need the same input re boundaries etc. You're still evolving as a parent of a toddler-preschooler. Focus on the consistency and being clear. Your style will naturally evolve., I use time out and privileges taken away like screen time, certain toys, etc., Our 6yo doesn’t respond to praise or discipline, doesn’t care either way. Can’t embarrass him, he has no shame. Been real fun to (still) potty train. I’m so tired., I think your mom is giving bad advice, and you are right. It sucks, because here we are in a world were parents don't discipline children, but things are genuinely backwards for us. Autistic children (like mine) can be sensory seeking. He thinks "Hooray! Mommy is yelling at me! This is what I want!" Spanking can have the same effect, and thus can cause the problem to be exacerbated.  I'd instead recommending a dull response, and deny or remove access to whatever they are doing. Your kid is only 2 years old, so don't forget that., I have a 2 year old as well. I discipline him as I would any other of my children. I don’t treat him differently., I typically take a step back and allow him to experience natural consequences If he hits his little brother and his brother hits back- I’m not going to defend him. I’ll tell them both no hitting! To others it may look like I’m not parenting but really, I need him to see actions have reactions and they won’t always go his way, So your mom is right about getting a disciplinary plan made up for your child. Natural consequences are usually the core strategies that work well, but I’d also recommend verbal telling the child what is unacceptable behavior: in my home that’s hitting/biting people and taking food that’s not theirs. Typically this is a behavior that natural consequences has little effect on, because it’s not immediately noticeable what the negative consequences are. So typically I give my child three verbal prompts of no, and then if she repeats the behavior she’s going to her room and I’m having a cool down. Then once I’m calm and she’s calm we’ll typically go back to the main room and continue on with what we’re doing. Now this is also something that will have to adjust as she’s gets older. But that will depend on things such as maturity level and ability to understand. It’s tricky, but you’ve got this. Also if your child is in ot/pt/st ask the therapists about tips they’re usually a font of information., The only thing I would add to this is to explain when a natural consequences happen. That it is a natural consequence for the event or behavior. In life everything has natural consequences be they be good or bad. Sometimes identifying the natural consequences can be hard to identify., We have struggled with this with our child. We explain why the consequence is happening but unsure if he gets it because it can either lead to a tantrum, or he stops then 5 minutes later does the same thing again lol, Same!, How do you make them pick it up? I’m always trying to tell my kid to pick up or clean up his messes, and he just runs away lol, Not only do you say these things, but you enforce them. Don’t make consequences you can’t enforce., Kids throw food. All of them. That doesn’t mean all their food should be taken away, when they don’t know better., I agree with this. I don't punish either of my kids, but use natural consequences. I even reframe things as natural consequences. Like they have to keep the playroom clean to "earn" screen time, rather than taking it away if the room isn't clean. They're both ND (adhd and autism). They are both genuinely good ppl people doing their best and if they can't do what I ask or meet expectations at school or home, there is always a reason, even if that reason is just the need/desire to test boundaries. It's usually them not understanding expectations or there's an executive functioning issue at hand, and they need more support somehow. The idea that an autistic child needs to be punished for acting autistic is abuse imo. Plus the rejection sensitivity is enough to make an impact (for my kids anyway). Being corrected is deeply personal to them. Every kid is different but this works for us. OP's mom needs to read a book before making suggestions., We also call it quiet time. My son is almost 7 now and can often recognise when he needs quiet time. He has built himself a hidey hole, between two lounges, with pillows and blankets. He voluntarily puts himself in there at least once or twice a day. If ever I can't find him, that's the first place I check. He always emerges happier and calmer. When he was younger, we used one of those little pop up play tents. I had it set up with all his favourite calming things inside, pillows and blankets. When he got too big for that, blankets over the dining table created a 'safe space' underneath. Perhaps something like this would help your daughter?, I like that too. We take pauses to breathe all the time. It helps so much just helping them with the cause of their behavior., I love your rule hierarchy, like if something is on fire, it's okay to make a mess with a fire extinguisher in order to keep everyone safe. However, I don't really understand why not making a mess is more important than a child's body belonging to themself?, The response to the mom is not about the overall concepts of rules and boundaries. Of course all kids have rules. It's to the idea of the type of discipline. For example, with my son (2y) i try (i'm not always successful) to especially reinforce the behaviors i want to see and ignore when he throws tantrums. Of course he get's a stern no and pull away if it's something dangerous. I also only ignore specifically tantrums. For meltdowns i'm there for him. Anyway, nt 2 year olds don't understand time outs and spankings., Spanking has been proven to cause behavior issues time and time again and shouldn’t be done. Neuro type isn’t relevant, the effects on all are the same., May work for you but that's clearly not good advice for OP., and you can’t treat them like theyre neurotypical because they’re not and never will be. Their amazing minds work so differently. You have to take the approach that works for YOUR child, no one else, Yes this! I always make sure my son looks at me and understands the consequences I’m talking about. He does really well with the first/then. We use that to get him to do things (ex: first wash your hands, then snack) but modified it works well with consequences. “If you throw the toy, then it goes away.”, For sure, 😂😂😂 depending on age that's probably pretty typical. Gotta make sure the same thing will happen twice., I've been doing it since she was like.. 1 I think? I just modeled it several times with "oh no! You spilled. Let's pick it up please!" and she started doing it too. 😂 now she cannot stand things on the floor/out of the bowl. We were at Walmart and she was eating veggie straws. She dropped one on the floor and refused to let us keep going until my husband picked it up., That's the point of teaching them. I give a warning once and I say "I see you're throwing food, that shows me you're done." If she's hungry she can still have food. She just cannot throw it. Most of the time if they're throwing it they're done or not interested in what's being offered., Its what my son’s therapist told me to do. And also the title of the post is a question which I responded to. Never said they had to do things same as I did. Both our kids are not the same., Also see almost everyone saying the same thing as me. Not sure why when I say it it’s all of a sudden bad advice., Yeah he’s 3 and a half and non verbal but getting more words finally lol but definitely testing things, You know, I'm sorry. You're right. I must've been worked up when I responded and took it too personally. I am actually sorry if what I said had a negative impact on you or anyone else taking your approach., For sure. My daughter just turned 3 and she has to make sure I'm telling the truth. Like if I tell her the oven is hot, she goes and puts her hand up to it (not on it) to see if it actually is. Lol

How do you keep your cool?

Our 4yo level 2 ASD son has a frequent habit of not wanting to leave the house. I totally understand his preference for being home but sometimes we actually do need to go do stuff. It can get frustrating, especially when he refuses to tell us why he doesn't want to go somewhere (he is verbal), we're running super late and his little brother is screaming and crying saying he wants his older brother to come. We let him play our phone or watch videos in the car, and often we're just taking a trip to the drive thru cafe to get some desperately needed caffeine (2 yo doesn't sleep). In those moments where I just want to explode and scream at him to get in the car, how do you stay calm? How do I try figure out what's wrong when it seems like we're being very lenient already (offering phone, he doesn't have to even get out of the car if we're getting drive thru etc)? We are late for everything - school, work, playdates you name it. I try and stay calm and go with the flow, telling myself it's no big deal being late, but I'm so exhausted from the constant herding for hours every day just to get out of the house.

My son is 5 years old, level 2, and verbal. Every day that we have to leave for something (at a specific time), I prep the night before on how I'm going to get him to the car. We don't do screens, but I will offer him a reward of a homemade lemon juice popsicle, a small treat, or in desperate times, a Poppi drink. - Ample warning time - hold his hand and give specific directions - For therapy days, I usually tell him, "first we go see (therapists name), then we will (do something that he enjoys)" We have had previous success with visual timers, and saying that when the time is up, we are getting in the car. If it's an emergency, or I forgot to give myself enough time to get him in the car, I will just scoop him up (he weighs 60 lbs and is very tall) and carry him to the van. I have 2 younger kids. Depending on if I'm alone, I will either pop them in the car and strap them in their sears first. Or I will do the reverse if I have another adult around., [deleted], I am late to school every single day pretty much. I am of the flavor that if someone has a problem they can discuss it with me like and adult and I will present my justifications without requiring their approval of my actions. That being said, I breathe out loudly and try to physically calm myself down. There are many physical ways to reduce your heart rate. You just have to seriously throw any expectations out of the window, and start pretending you have to leave a half jour earlier than you need to, or just be late and be okay with it. I also take some thc daily in order to keep my calm (I have adhd and the impulsivity of my anger is not appropriate otherwise, not for everyone but some may see a benefit.), You’re not alone! My 3 yo verbal son is like this. It’s especially frustrating because he usually has fun and then is sad to go home. I just can’t win! We use visual schedules that are as specific as possible but we rarely have spontaneity in our day 😞 it sucks and even more so if sleep deprived! He has a lot of sleep issues and seeing a pediatric sleep specialist has been a lifesaver. He was waking up every 30-90 minutes and now it’s 1-3 times/night. I feel like kids sleep issues are often brushed off (our pediatrician just kept saying to try more sleep training…) but there can definitely be physical issues underlying it! (Sorry for the unsolicited advice…we suffered so much until we got answers that I can’t help but mention it when I hear parents of toddlers struggling!), I understand completely why your son does this. At least if he is similar to me as a kid. A sudden trip somewhere is a change in his day routine, outside holds a lot of overwhelming stuff. Smells, sounds, light. Neurotypical people can drown it all out but we can't. For your son going outside is like going to the disco but three songs are playing and the light is constantly shining in your face and you are smelling everyone around you. Having a phone is putting a bandaid on a severed limb. It drowns some of it out but not all. For autistic children it can be so exhausting to go outside, all your energy suddenly gone, and especially with a younger sibling in the car who is also making movements and noises because that is what kids do. What I reccomend if you haven't already is to get him noise canceling headphones, tell him about a trip outside the house preferably a day before and to negotiate with him. If you are getting takeout you could tell him that if he comes with he can get some snacks or anything that motivates him. This will make it easier for the both of you. Edit: I also wanted to add that many autistic people are naturally very stubborn. Positive reinforcement works way better than negative reinforcement which usually doesn't work at all., Thank you! I do prep him the night before when I know what we're doing, but anything spontaneous is virtually impossible. I have tried the "first x, then y" approach before but not in a while. Will give it another go! Thank you so much for replying :), This is awesome, You sound like a wonderful parent!, Thank you for replying! Yes I suppose I need to try harder to let go of my expectations. Realistically I can't get ready for things any earlier than I already am. Toddler doesn't sleep then wakes for the the day at 6, and we're on the go all day. I'll work on being ok with being late!, Yes it is SO frustrating! He usually does have a good time in the end I have raised my concerns over toddler's lack of sleep with our local doctor and they just tell me it's normal. I disagree but too exhausted to do much further advocating. Maybe next year!, Thank you. This is extremely helpful! We have bought him several pairs of headphones but he won't wear them. We suspect he doesn't the feel of them on his ears so will look to try some more expensive ones with ample cushioning.

How do you manage?

Hi all, appreciate you for reading this cause it’s a little bit of sad I suppose. I’m struggling right now not sure how to manage all my responsibilities. My health is definitely declining because of it and I can feel myself hitting a deep depressive hole. I have a severely autistic 4 year old. Non verbal, still in nappies, behaviour problems and can’t be unsupervised ever. Needs direct support at all times for his safety. He only goes to school for an 1hr a day at the moment. If that’s not hard enough in itself, I work a pretty demanding unflexible sales role. I’m also studying. I’m trying to keep the house finances and family yogether but I’m breaking down at the same time. I do have little support around me. My partner doesn’t help much, I don’t blame him cause he’s trying. And my mom but unfortunately she’s always working How do you guys manage?! What am I missing?

Your partner needs to help carry the load. It's hard enough with help, I couldn't imagine not having hardly any help at all., I manage by just waking up every day and trying. Why doesn't your partner help much? You need support and time to recharge; both for your benefit and your child benefit. Tell your partner to help more., I can only imagine how hard it must've been for you. Hang in there. Maybe things will eventually work out for you and your child., I'm sorta in the same boat. My son will be six this summer, also nonverbal, and is still in diapers. The only difference is that he doesn't have behavioral problems. But in my experience, all behaviors are a form of communication. Is it possible your kiddo is acting out because he is frustrated that he can't communicate his wants and needs? When my son was 4, we started him on an AAC device. Ours is an app supplied by the school. It's called Coughdrop, and it's compatible with multiple devices. (It's on all of our phones, and 3 tablets.) We also started with PECS when he was around 3, and that helped a little too. We took pictures of all of his favorite foods, drinks, and places. Then, he was able to grab what he wanted and hand it to us. These are just some things that helped relieve frustrations in our family, and I'm hoping it will help yours!, We found an autism center. My 3yo was diagnosed and has been going to ABA therapy for 30 hours a week. It was hard at first, from having him at home with me full-time to being away at "school." He has the same 3 RBT's and 1 BCBA and lights up when he sees them. They use a PECS book using pictures to communicate, and we now have one at home, too. It gives me a break in my day and time to focus on my 1yo. Our insurance pays, so that helps with the financial burden. I'd recommend this for you, as you have a lot to juggle. You've got this far. Sending virtual hugs. 🫂, I'm sorry, but you need to expect more of your partner. Otherwise, they really aren't a "partner." They should be equally shouldering this. Aside from that, what can you take out of your load? Can you put a pause on school, go down I'm hours at work, outsource some of the things at home (get a cleaning person/dog walker etc.) You need to find a way to sustain yourself first. I definitely recommend finding a therapist to navigate this. You don't need to do it alone., >My partner doesn’t help much, I don’t blame him cause he’s trying A wise little green guy once said, "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Your kiddo is 4, your partner has to get into the game and start playing. But there are no easy answers. I'm curious if there are any studies on the health level of special needs parents. I'd assume it's much worse than average., It's tough :( I've got a demanding job and our 17 yo requires a lot of attention, my wife also has a ton of illnesses and we don't know what the future holds. End of day, I'm essentially sacrificing myself for the cause. I told myself a long time ago it's not sustainable. So there you have it, I guess we have to ask for support? It's tough though, I'm sure many of us in this community lost touch with the people we could lean on for support because we couldn't spare the effort to maintain external relationships. Also probably easy to fall into the "only I can do this" or "only I can fix this" mentality., Your partner is the problem here, you need their support is you are working and going to school. You cannot do those things and supervise your child 23 hrs a day-sleep., I pray a lot, cry a lot, and have been tapping into the law of attraction. Idk if my circumstances actually got easier but my change in mindset and awareness in the language I choose to use and think has definitely made things feel easier at least. Highly recommend watching/reading “the secret”. -Single mom, 27…my son is 7 and pre-verbal. We haven’t seen the other “parent” in over four years and haven’t received a single dollar in child support in almost a year., I gather you live in the UK so a lot of other suggestions don't apply as we just don't have autism centres/aba etc, hell it's barely possible to get speech therapy, my son's 3 so a little younger but i m currently not working and i study the two days he manages in nursery. You mention he's 4, is he in nursery or is he in reception at school? If it's school do you have an ECHP, IDP or whatever they call it in Scotland so that he legally gets more support funded/ you can start pushing for a more specialised provision (since legally you can argue a part time timetable is specifically only meant to be temporary). Are you claiming DLA, universal credit, carers allowance etc so there's less pressure to work as much? Also any bursaries for carers with where you study? Any short break schemes your council offer for childcare too? Also I manage because I accept that we need to do less, whether that's the fact our home is very minimal on furniture/belongings so that's less to tidy or we cook simpler things and do less activities. My husband works full time but we both accept that we need to give each other breaks from our son or it falls apart., Once you fully find what works and what doesn’t then you will finally be able to have a plan and things running smoother. I struggled for months! Find what works for you! You and your partner will need to sit and come up with a plan to make things easier for you. Is there a reason your son goes only an hour? Have you tried or thought about ABA? Does your son go to occupational or speech therapy? All these things help a lot as well!, Does your son have an EHCP? Is it a mainstream school? What's their plan to be able to increase his hours and meet his needs? It should only be an hour a day if this is in his best interests not solely theirs! How to manage? Your partner needs to step up I'm afraid as it's his child too and if not, you're a package deal! You could try flexible working requests, so maybe you tag tail the childcare element or see if a childminder could take him on after school. Have you got DLA? Request social services carers assessment. Have you investigated what respite is available locally? Have you tried local support groups? Won't change things but like minded support may help you., Agree with others that you’re not in a position to carry your partner’s load in this. Perhaps work out a separate set of duties he handles that way you’re not spending mental energy working that out all the time. If he absolutely won’t/can’t do more, choose the things you think are critical and he’s just got to live with it IMHO. I would let go of anything that really isn’t critical and give yourself as many shortcuts as you can. It’s not important that your laundry or dishes are always done. Frozen pizza or chicken nuggets, perfectly fine. Use grocery pickup or delivery if it’s available to you. If you can outsource anything I would. Also relaxation and fun need to be part of what’s critical. It may look like something small, but you do have to allow yourself treats or breaks and things to look forward too. It’s unlikely your 4 year old won’t progress so remember this phase is temporary. He’ll go through a lot of phases, some are better than others. Just gotta take it one day at a time ❤️, It's a lot. I basically live on energy drinks. It's just my husband and I and our 3 kids (oldest 10yo is level 3 nonverbal), no help or break in sight. I like to keep things around that give me a quick pick me up. For me it's music and even my son likes music, even though he hates noise. Not gonna lie, it feels like I'm drowning in it all most days. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Wish I had more help, you just keep going with the routine until you can do it on autopilot., Your partner needs to help carry the load. It's hard enough with help, I couldn't imagine not having hardly any help at all., I manage by just waking up every day and trying. Why doesn't your partner help much? You need support and time to recharge; both for your benefit and your child benefit. Tell your partner to help more., I can only imagine how hard it must've been for you. Hang in there. Maybe things will eventually work out for you and your child., I'm sorta in the same boat. My son will be six this summer, also nonverbal, and is still in diapers. The only difference is that he doesn't have behavioral problems. But in my experience, all behaviors are a form of communication. Is it possible your kiddo is acting out because he is frustrated that he can't communicate his wants and needs? When my son was 4, we started him on an AAC device. Ours is an app supplied by the school. It's called Coughdrop, and it's compatible with multiple devices. (It's on all of our phones, and 3 tablets.) We also started with PECS when he was around 3, and that helped a little too. We took pictures of all of his favorite foods, drinks, and places. Then, he was able to grab what he wanted and hand it to us. These are just some things that helped relieve frustrations in our family, and I'm hoping it will help yours!, We found an autism center. My 3yo was diagnosed and has been going to ABA therapy for 30 hours a week. It was hard at first, from having him at home with me full-time to being away at "school." He has the same 3 RBT's and 1 BCBA and lights up when he sees them. They use a PECS book using pictures to communicate, and we now have one at home, too. It gives me a break in my day and time to focus on my 1yo. Our insurance pays, so that helps with the financial burden. I'd recommend this for you, as you have a lot to juggle. You've got this far. Sending virtual hugs. 🫂, I'm sorry, but you need to expect more of your partner. Otherwise, they really aren't a "partner." They should be equally shouldering this. Aside from that, what can you take out of your load? Can you put a pause on school, go down I'm hours at work, outsource some of the things at home (get a cleaning person/dog walker etc.) You need to find a way to sustain yourself first. I definitely recommend finding a therapist to navigate this. You don't need to do it alone., >My partner doesn’t help much, I don’t blame him cause he’s trying A wise little green guy once said, "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Your kiddo is 4, your partner has to get into the game and start playing. But there are no easy answers. I'm curious if there are any studies on the health level of special needs parents. I'd assume it's much worse than average., It's tough :( I've got a demanding job and our 17 yo requires a lot of attention, my wife also has a ton of illnesses and we don't know what the future holds. End of day, I'm essentially sacrificing myself for the cause. I told myself a long time ago it's not sustainable. So there you have it, I guess we have to ask for support? It's tough though, I'm sure many of us in this community lost touch with the people we could lean on for support because we couldn't spare the effort to maintain external relationships. Also probably easy to fall into the "only I can do this" or "only I can fix this" mentality., Your partner is the problem here, you need their support is you are working and going to school. You cannot do those things and supervise your child 23 hrs a day-sleep., I pray a lot, cry a lot, and have been tapping into the law of attraction. Idk if my circumstances actually got easier but my change in mindset and awareness in the language I choose to use and think has definitely made things feel easier at least. Highly recommend watching/reading “the secret”. -Single mom, 27…my son is 7 and pre-verbal. We haven’t seen the other “parent” in over four years and haven’t received a single dollar in child support in almost a year., I gather you live in the UK so a lot of other suggestions don't apply as we just don't have autism centres/aba etc, hell it's barely possible to get speech therapy, my son's 3 so a little younger but i m currently not working and i study the two days he manages in nursery. You mention he's 4, is he in nursery or is he in reception at school? If it's school do you have an ECHP, IDP or whatever they call it in Scotland so that he legally gets more support funded/ you can start pushing for a more specialised provision (since legally you can argue a part time timetable is specifically only meant to be temporary). Are you claiming DLA, universal credit, carers allowance etc so there's less pressure to work as much? Also any bursaries for carers with where you study? Any short break schemes your council offer for childcare too? Also I manage because I accept that we need to do less, whether that's the fact our home is very minimal on furniture/belongings so that's less to tidy or we cook simpler things and do less activities. My husband works full time but we both accept that we need to give each other breaks from our son or it falls apart., Once you fully find what works and what doesn’t then you will finally be able to have a plan and things running smoother. I struggled for months! Find what works for you! You and your partner will need to sit and come up with a plan to make things easier for you. Is there a reason your son goes only an hour? Have you tried or thought about ABA? Does your son go to occupational or speech therapy? All these things help a lot as well!, Does your son have an EHCP? Is it a mainstream school? What's their plan to be able to increase his hours and meet his needs? It should only be an hour a day if this is in his best interests not solely theirs! How to manage? Your partner needs to step up I'm afraid as it's his child too and if not, you're a package deal! You could try flexible working requests, so maybe you tag tail the childcare element or see if a childminder could take him on after school. Have you got DLA? Request social services carers assessment. Have you investigated what respite is available locally? Have you tried local support groups? Won't change things but like minded support may help you., Agree with others that you’re not in a position to carry your partner’s load in this. Perhaps work out a separate set of duties he handles that way you’re not spending mental energy working that out all the time. If he absolutely won’t/can’t do more, choose the things you think are critical and he’s just got to live with it IMHO. I would let go of anything that really isn’t critical and give yourself as many shortcuts as you can. It’s not important that your laundry or dishes are always done. Frozen pizza or chicken nuggets, perfectly fine. Use grocery pickup or delivery if it’s available to you. If you can outsource anything I would. Also relaxation and fun need to be part of what’s critical. It may look like something small, but you do have to allow yourself treats or breaks and things to look forward too. It’s unlikely your 4 year old won’t progress so remember this phase is temporary. He’ll go through a lot of phases, some are better than others. Just gotta take it one day at a time ❤️, It's a lot. I basically live on energy drinks. It's just my husband and I and our 3 kids (oldest 10yo is level 3 nonverbal), no help or break in sight. I like to keep things around that give me a quick pick me up. For me it's music and even my son likes music, even though he hates noise. Not gonna lie, it feels like I'm drowning in it all most days. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Wish I had more help, you just keep going with the routine until you can do it on autopilot., Your partner needs to help carry the load. It's hard enough with help, I couldn't imagine not having hardly any help at all., I manage by just waking up every day and trying. Why doesn't your partner help much? You need support and time to recharge; both for your benefit and your child benefit. Tell your partner to help more., I can only imagine how hard it must've been for you. Hang in there. Maybe things will eventually work out for you and your child., I'm sorta in the same boat. My son will be six this summer, also nonverbal, and is still in diapers. The only difference is that he doesn't have behavioral problems. But in my experience, all behaviors are a form of communication. Is it possible your kiddo is acting out because he is frustrated that he can't communicate his wants and needs? When my son was 4, we started him on an AAC device. Ours is an app supplied by the school. It's called Coughdrop, and it's compatible with multiple devices. (It's on all of our phones, and 3 tablets.) We also started with PECS when he was around 3, and that helped a little too. We took pictures of all of his favorite foods, drinks, and places. Then, he was able to grab what he wanted and hand it to us. These are just some things that helped relieve frustrations in our family, and I'm hoping it will help yours!, We found an autism center. My 3yo was diagnosed and has been going to ABA therapy for 30 hours a week. It was hard at first, from having him at home with me full-time to being away at "school." He has the same 3 RBT's and 1 BCBA and lights up when he sees them. They use a PECS book using pictures to communicate, and we now have one at home, too. It gives me a break in my day and time to focus on my 1yo. Our insurance pays, so that helps with the financial burden. I'd recommend this for you, as you have a lot to juggle. You've got this far. Sending virtual hugs. 🫂, I'm sorry, but you need to expect more of your partner. Otherwise, they really aren't a "partner." They should be equally shouldering this. Aside from that, what can you take out of your load? Can you put a pause on school, go down I'm hours at work, outsource some of the things at home (get a cleaning person/dog walker etc.) You need to find a way to sustain yourself first. I definitely recommend finding a therapist to navigate this. You don't need to do it alone., >My partner doesn’t help much, I don’t blame him cause he’s trying A wise little green guy once said, "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Your kiddo is 4, your partner has to get into the game and start playing. But there are no easy answers. I'm curious if there are any studies on the health level of special needs parents. I'd assume it's much worse than average., It's tough :( I've got a demanding job and our 17 yo requires a lot of attention, my wife also has a ton of illnesses and we don't know what the future holds. End of day, I'm essentially sacrificing myself for the cause. I told myself a long time ago it's not sustainable. So there you have it, I guess we have to ask for support? It's tough though, I'm sure many of us in this community lost touch with the people we could lean on for support because we couldn't spare the effort to maintain external relationships. Also probably easy to fall into the "only I can do this" or "only I can fix this" mentality., Your partner is the problem here, you need their support is you are working and going to school. You cannot do those things and supervise your child 23 hrs a day-sleep., I pray a lot, cry a lot, and have been tapping into the law of attraction. Idk if my circumstances actually got easier but my change in mindset and awareness in the language I choose to use and think has definitely made things feel easier at least. Highly recommend watching/reading “the secret”. -Single mom, 27…my son is 7 and pre-verbal. We haven’t seen the other “parent” in over four years and haven’t received a single dollar in child support in almost a year., I gather you live in the UK so a lot of other suggestions don't apply as we just don't have autism centres/aba etc, hell it's barely possible to get speech therapy, my son's 3 so a little younger but i m currently not working and i study the two days he manages in nursery. You mention he's 4, is he in nursery or is he in reception at school? If it's school do you have an ECHP, IDP or whatever they call it in Scotland so that he legally gets more support funded/ you can start pushing for a more specialised provision (since legally you can argue a part time timetable is specifically only meant to be temporary). Are you claiming DLA, universal credit, carers allowance etc so there's less pressure to work as much? Also any bursaries for carers with where you study? Any short break schemes your council offer for childcare too? Also I manage because I accept that we need to do less, whether that's the fact our home is very minimal on furniture/belongings so that's less to tidy or we cook simpler things and do less activities. My husband works full time but we both accept that we need to give each other breaks from our son or it falls apart., Once you fully find what works and what doesn’t then you will finally be able to have a plan and things running smoother. I struggled for months! Find what works for you! You and your partner will need to sit and come up with a plan to make things easier for you. Is there a reason your son goes only an hour? Have you tried or thought about ABA? Does your son go to occupational or speech therapy? All these things help a lot as well!, Does your son have an EHCP? Is it a mainstream school? What's their plan to be able to increase his hours and meet his needs? It should only be an hour a day if this is in his best interests not solely theirs! How to manage? Your partner needs to step up I'm afraid as it's his child too and if not, you're a package deal! You could try flexible working requests, so maybe you tag tail the childcare element or see if a childminder could take him on after school. Have you got DLA? Request social services carers assessment. Have you investigated what respite is available locally? Have you tried local support groups? Won't change things but like minded support may help you., Agree with others that you’re not in a position to carry your partner’s load in this. Perhaps work out a separate set of duties he handles that way you’re not spending mental energy working that out all the time. If he absolutely won’t/can’t do more, choose the things you think are critical and he’s just got to live with it IMHO. I would let go of anything that really isn’t critical and give yourself as many shortcuts as you can. It’s not important that your laundry or dishes are always done. Frozen pizza or chicken nuggets, perfectly fine. Use grocery pickup or delivery if it’s available to you. If you can outsource anything I would. Also relaxation and fun need to be part of what’s critical. It may look like something small, but you do have to allow yourself treats or breaks and things to look forward too. It’s unlikely your 4 year old won’t progress so remember this phase is temporary. He’ll go through a lot of phases, some are better than others. Just gotta take it one day at a time ❤️, It's a lot. I basically live on energy drinks. It's just my husband and I and our 3 kids (oldest 10yo is level 3 nonverbal), no help or break in sight. I like to keep things around that give me a quick pick me up. For me it's music and even my son likes music, even though he hates noise. Not gonna lie, it feels like I'm drowning in it all most days. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Wish I had more help, you just keep going with the routine until you can do it on autopilot., Your partner needs to help carry the load. It's hard enough with help, I couldn't imagine not having hardly any help at all., I manage by just waking up every day and trying. Why doesn't your partner help much? You need support and time to recharge; both for your benefit and your child benefit. Tell your partner to help more., I can only imagine how hard it must've been for you. Hang in there. Maybe things will eventually work out for you and your child., I'm sorta in the same boat. My son will be six this summer, also nonverbal, and is still in diapers. The only difference is that he doesn't have behavioral problems. But in my experience, all behaviors are a form of communication. Is it possible your kiddo is acting out because he is frustrated that he can't communicate his wants and needs? When my son was 4, we started him on an AAC device. Ours is an app supplied by the school. It's called Coughdrop, and it's compatible with multiple devices. (It's on all of our phones, and 3 tablets.) We also started with PECS when he was around 3, and that helped a little too. We took pictures of all of his favorite foods, drinks, and places. Then, he was able to grab what he wanted and hand it to us. These are just some things that helped relieve frustrations in our family, and I'm hoping it will help yours!, We found an autism center. My 3yo was diagnosed and has been going to ABA therapy for 30 hours a week. It was hard at first, from having him at home with me full-time to being away at "school." He has the same 3 RBT's and 1 BCBA and lights up when he sees them. They use a PECS book using pictures to communicate, and we now have one at home, too. It gives me a break in my day and time to focus on my 1yo. Our insurance pays, so that helps with the financial burden. I'd recommend this for you, as you have a lot to juggle. You've got this far. Sending virtual hugs. 🫂, I'm sorry, but you need to expect more of your partner. Otherwise, they really aren't a "partner." They should be equally shouldering this. Aside from that, what can you take out of your load? Can you put a pause on school, go down I'm hours at work, outsource some of the things at home (get a cleaning person/dog walker etc.) You need to find a way to sustain yourself first. I definitely recommend finding a therapist to navigate this. You don't need to do it alone., >My partner doesn’t help much, I don’t blame him cause he’s trying A wise little green guy once said, "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Your kiddo is 4, your partner has to get into the game and start playing. But there are no easy answers. I'm curious if there are any studies on the health level of special needs parents. I'd assume it's much worse than average., It's tough :( I've got a demanding job and our 17 yo requires a lot of attention, my wife also has a ton of illnesses and we don't know what the future holds. End of day, I'm essentially sacrificing myself for the cause. I told myself a long time ago it's not sustainable. So there you have it, I guess we have to ask for support? It's tough though, I'm sure many of us in this community lost touch with the people we could lean on for support because we couldn't spare the effort to maintain external relationships. Also probably easy to fall into the "only I can do this" or "only I can fix this" mentality., Your partner is the problem here, you need their support is you are working and going to school. You cannot do those things and supervise your child 23 hrs a day-sleep., I pray a lot, cry a lot, and have been tapping into the law of attraction. Idk if my circumstances actually got easier but my change in mindset and awareness in the language I choose to use and think has definitely made things feel easier at least. Highly recommend watching/reading “the secret”. -Single mom, 27…my son is 7 and pre-verbal. We haven’t seen the other “parent” in over four years and haven’t received a single dollar in child support in almost a year., I gather you live in the UK so a lot of other suggestions don't apply as we just don't have autism centres/aba etc, hell it's barely possible to get speech therapy, my son's 3 so a little younger but i m currently not working and i study the two days he manages in nursery. You mention he's 4, is he in nursery or is he in reception at school? If it's school do you have an ECHP, IDP or whatever they call it in Scotland so that he legally gets more support funded/ you can start pushing for a more specialised provision (since legally you can argue a part time timetable is specifically only meant to be temporary). Are you claiming DLA, universal credit, carers allowance etc so there's less pressure to work as much? Also any bursaries for carers with where you study? Any short break schemes your council offer for childcare too? Also I manage because I accept that we need to do less, whether that's the fact our home is very minimal on furniture/belongings so that's less to tidy or we cook simpler things and do less activities. My husband works full time but we both accept that we need to give each other breaks from our son or it falls apart., Once you fully find what works and what doesn’t then you will finally be able to have a plan and things running smoother. I struggled for months! Find what works for you! You and your partner will need to sit and come up with a plan to make things easier for you. Is there a reason your son goes only an hour? Have you tried or thought about ABA? Does your son go to occupational or speech therapy? All these things help a lot as well!, Does your son have an EHCP? Is it a mainstream school? What's their plan to be able to increase his hours and meet his needs? It should only be an hour a day if this is in his best interests not solely theirs! How to manage? Your partner needs to step up I'm afraid as it's his child too and if not, you're a package deal! You could try flexible working requests, so maybe you tag tail the childcare element or see if a childminder could take him on after school. Have you got DLA? Request social services carers assessment. Have you investigated what respite is available locally? Have you tried local support groups? Won't change things but like minded support may help you., Agree with others that you’re not in a position to carry your partner’s load in this. Perhaps work out a separate set of duties he handles that way you’re not spending mental energy working that out all the time. If he absolutely won’t/can’t do more, choose the things you think are critical and he’s just got to live with it IMHO. I would let go of anything that really isn’t critical and give yourself as many shortcuts as you can. It’s not important that your laundry or dishes are always done. Frozen pizza or chicken nuggets, perfectly fine. Use grocery pickup or delivery if it’s available to you. If you can outsource anything I would. Also relaxation and fun need to be part of what’s critical. It may look like something small, but you do have to allow yourself treats or breaks and things to look forward too. It’s unlikely your 4 year old won’t progress so remember this phase is temporary. He’ll go through a lot of phases, some are better than others. Just gotta take it one day at a time ❤️, It's a lot. I basically live on energy drinks. It's just my husband and I and our 3 kids (oldest 10yo is level 3 nonverbal), no help or break in sight. I like to keep things around that give me a quick pick me up. For me it's music and even my son likes music, even though he hates noise. Not gonna lie, it feels like I'm drowning in it all most days. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Wish I had more help, you just keep going with the routine until you can do it on autopilot.

How do you model social nuances without crushing a 4.5 year old’s spirit?

Mother of a daughter with sensory processing / sensory integration disorder. We had an early diagnostic screening because my spouse and I have worked with peds patients in the past with autism and we’re seeing some signs since age 2. She’s been in and out of speech, PT, OT for self regulation fine and gross motor every 12-18 weeks or so for a 12 week session. Anyhoo the quantity over quality of speech is something the speech therapist dabbled in when she used to babble with jargon and nonsense words, skipping whole chunks of phrases and replacing with non words…. She’s very talkative when she’s stimulated. Which is just her! It’s her way. But when she’s in the car or during dinner (the presence of something stimulating I suppose) she can burst into song constantly, most of it nonsense singing and just filling the void with quantity over quality. Is there something more that I should be doing than gently redirecting? I try to steer the conversation into …conversation haha. Should I be helping her more? Is this a learned only social norm that must be practiced with help of her parents? She tells me that her classmates tell her to please stop talking and her teacher jokes that she talks a lot. I’ve have conversations about it with her to support her. How do you approach?

Hi! I’m a bit confused. Is she communicating with words/ phrases most of the time or is she speaking in “jargon” and songs? I couldn’t tell if you meant that she did this before or continues to do so. Because if she is, then she needs a lot of help from speech to help her complete sentences to convey her ideas. Gestalt language processor tend to speak in scripts, jargon and songs. They need specific strategies to help them get their language to a more understandable and conversational stage.  If she’s already speaking in full spontaneous sentences (not relying on scripts for the majority of the time, and able to apply grammar to her own sentences) the speech therapist needs to start making pragmatic language  goals. These are goals for conversations including back and forths, appropriate social responses (e.g., saying hello when someone greets you, not walking away in a middle of a convo), social bids to play (teaching phrases such as “let’s play”, “I have an idea!”, etc.).  My best advice is to ask for a recent speech assessment that pin point her communication deficits. Once you know, you could look into specific speech therapies that target her deficits. You could also ask the SLP to give you strategies for you and your family to apply in her everyday life. There are so many strategies to help but you need to know exactly where your child is at in their language acquisition journey.

How do you prepare your kids for other kids teasing them?

I took my almost 4-year-old daughter with ASD (diagnosed 1 for repetitive behaviors, 2 for social reciprocity) to the park today, and I overheard a teenage boy tell his friend “she’s special, no doubt about that.” This was the first time I’ve heard anyone say something disparaging about my daughter, and it broke my heart. How do you all coach your kids in preparation for being teased? At what age did teasing become an issue (if it did) for your kids? Any tips to avoid these situations? Do you, as a caregiver, say anything to older kids or adults who make these comments? (I didn’t say anything in the situation bc I didn’t want my kid to see her mom absolutely wreck a teenage boy and she didn’t notice the comment, but when she gets older, I want her to know I have her back). I want to encourage my kid to be who she is, but I hate the idea of her being a bully target. (She was going around to everyone in the park saying, “Hi! What’s your name?” And trying to play with these teenage kids. This prompted the comment.) Thank you in advance for your advice and support.

I don’t have advice but fuck that asshole teenager, Life is all about perspective. If his tone was mocking and it was obvious that he was making fun of your kid in some way, then yeah, he sucks. But just hearing someone say, "She's special, that's for sure," by itself with no other context, I wouldn't automatically assume that someone was being a jerk. Just changing my perspective has helped me cope with other people. I can't control what other people say or do, but over time, I've been able to get less annoyed or offended by other people. Especially now that I have a middle school aged kid (middle schoolers are weird enough all by themselves) and she does plenty of stuff to draw attention to herself in public, some of it typical middle schooler stuff and some of it autism related. In your situation, it really helps to follow your kid's lead. Say she heard it and was upset by it. I personally really like the preschool approach when dealing with assholes. "Wow, Johnny is having a hard time using his manners and talking out of turn right now, Chloe. I think he needs a little more practice before he comes to the park without his mom! Let's go play over by the monkey bars and give him some space since he's so cranky." You have to take control of the situation and show your daughter that 1. What just happened wasn't okay 2. You saw it and are validating her feelings 3. Are showing her that the situation isn't a big deal/important/something to dwell on by redirecting and moving on from the place or away from that person. People aren't always nice to each other and unfortunately that's just a part of life. The best thing you can do is to teach your daughter that the person being an asshole isn't important and what they have to say doesn't matter. If you get super upset and engage with them, you're showing her that what the bully is saying is worth stopping and paying attention to. And when the time comes when someone does tease her and she hears it/is upset by it, you show her you have her back by being there for her. Talk to her about it, answer her questions until she's satisfied, tell her about a time you were picked on and how it made you feel and how you got through it. Then write strongly worded emails to the principal/teacher/guidance counselor/adult in charge and make them aware that bullying is taking place and needs to be addressed., I completely understand being hurt by the comment and it was rude of the teenager to say that. I agree with how you handled it. I want to add that just like your daughter is learning social skills- so is that teenager and we don’t know what his background is. Who knows, maybe he’s even on the spectrum himself., My son turns 16 in July, so I feel like I have a *little* something I can offer by way of advice. Lol Chances are, during her elementary years, teachers and students will love her to death. Bullying at some point will be an issue. It can take a long time to teach the difference between true bullying and someone just having a different opinion or not knowing what to do with their hands/be quiet. ("the kids behind me were laughing and I thought they were laughing at me so I reacted" kind of thing - honestly, even at 15, we're *still* working through what's bullying and what isn't) If your school system has a special education advocate, get in touch with them now. You'll want to see how she does in school and set up a 504 or IEP. It'll make a difference. Overall, just teach her in simple terms that people aren't always nice. You'll have to do a lot of case by case explaining, cause there's just not really a blanket way to teach reactions. Understand her perceptions will be skewed, just because the social development isn't the same. Stay patient, even when she debates you to the death. (and she will) If I could suggest anything to parents with newly diagnosed ASD kids, it would come down to: Always be your child's advocate. No one else will, and they can't advocate for themselves. Therapy is GOOD. Speech, occupational, physical, behavioral, any of them - it helps. Seriously. Don't be afraid to approach medication if focusing on school becomes a problem. My son is incredibly smart, but he started becoming disruptive to the other students because he was constantly trying to stim and got frustrated when his emotions couldn't be expressed. (ie, meltdowns). Consistency and routine are a MUST. Picture routines are helpful. School tends to be an overwhelming experience for ASD kids because there's so much going on. My son needed a picture schedule for school. When he got to school, he would take his picture and put it on his desk picture. Then move his picture every rotation. It allowed him to visualize "ok 2 more stations and I go home". Have Mama Bear at the ready. Always. Patience is key, you'll have to relearn how to describe things into very simple and stripped down concepts. I'm willing to bet the teenagers' comment was hurtful to you, and your daughter didn't notice or know what it means. That's how it will be for a while. Just remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Let them look. Let them make comments. Let them judge. If your child is happy and thriving in her world, that's the only thing that matters. Celebrate her successes., Honestly, I’ve never noticed anything from other children. My youngest classmates go out of their way to greet her and include her and are patient with her outbursts. It’s the adults that say rude disgusting things and I usually just say “that is incredibly rude” and just leave it at that. You don’t need to add anything. Let them sit with it. I would have said it to the teen too but I’m mouthier than I should be, I want to punch the kid too. But I felt optimism at the end of your story- your child was practicing social reciprocity. Maybe on the wrong kids, but she’s really trying and learning and I feel like she deserves a high five for her efforts . Maybe in the right context I would take an older kid aside and say hey “she has trouble talking to others and she is learning and doesn’t always know who to say hi to and I would appreciate it if you just said hi or waved back. Thanks”., Even mean-spirited people want to belong. Especially teenagers. Maybe have a few thoughtful retorts prepared for moments like these, like "Thank you for noticing. 😉", We’re trying to equip our little guy for how to handle it at school, he’s 6. If a child is doing something bothersome, we’ve coached him to say, “stop. I don’t like that.” We’ve coached him to walk away / ignore and if he needs help, to tell his teacher and his father & me. It’s hard. Just like how your little girl sounds, my kiddo is very sweet. He’s very sensitive and takes things to heart. So far he’s only encountered annoying behaviour from classmates, no bullying thank god. But I remember what school was like and I want him to be prepared. Wishing you and your family all the best, Big hugs. This is my fear too. My little (3.5) already gets some stares at the playground as she doesn't conform to social norms. She was already called a 'Karen' rudely by a boy. It too broke my heart when she asked me innocently 'why did he call me karen?' I am looking at social skills training class so that she gets a better handle on social cues. Hopefully she will avoid these types of situation., Just wanted to say I think that is great your daughter is trying to be social with other kids. Many autistic kids won't even try that at the park. My son sounds similar to your daughter as he is just started to show interest in other kids, is very limited verbally, so I could see him also saying that to all the kids at the park. I would've just ignored the comment because he was a teenager and teenagers always seems to say stupid things., I have no advice but I’m here for the comments. I have a 3.5 year old son level 1 who just absolutely loves the park and I’m concerned about this situation as well. I really hate that this is some bullshit we have to think about., I was teased relentlessly as a child because I was undiagnosed and I told no one. I think the best thing to do is to tell your child to notify the teachers or you or anyone else they trust, so that when they do struggle, they don't do it alone. I speak from experience when I say that being bullied for who you are is extremely traumatizing and I'm still slowly trying to unmask my autistic traits today., You know..I told my kid anytime that happens to tell someone that they trust. That it's okay. The other day I witness a kid trying to give my kid a hard time and my kid gave him this "bless your heart" smile and kept with what he was doing. (.kiddo was told to be tug of war anchor. This asshole kid was trying to take his place.) I was already poised to jump in and say something to the kid and my kiddo handled it like a boss., I think you have to tailor it to your child - what she is able to understand and her age - but for me at least, it was important to learn that I can't control what other people say or do, the only thing within my control is my reaction to it. Sometimes that reaction is to tell an adult what happened; sometimes it's to ignore it; sometimes it's to say something back. But most importantly, it's within my control whether or not I'm going to let it bother me. Something like this might help her understand... ask her what her favourite colour is. When she responds (let's use "blue" as the example) tell her it's red. She'll probably insist it's blue, respond again with red. Do this a couple times, and then explain to her it doesn't matter what anyone else says, only she knows her true self and just because someone says something different, that doesn't make what they say true., Kuddos to you I would have made a scene. I was at the park the other day and a grown woman with who I’m assuming was maybe her mother- call my daughter a weirdo for swinging on a rope a different way. Some people just suck. My daughter is deaf so she will never know but it’s important for your LO to know that people who are mean to other people are sad inside and it has nothing to do with her and she is perfect and special and great the way she is. The stronger you make her self esteem the harder is will be for others to break it down ., I’m sorry but what teenager would do that? And to a kid that isn’t even 4? My god. As a teenager that fucking hurts, I’m sorry you had to deal with that, My kid was being teased at 2 years old because he was getting up close to other kids and they thought it was weird. He doesn’t do it anymore. But I have seen him being bullied. It was sad., Teach your kids great comebacks, always make them funny. If a bully picks on them and they laugh and make a better joke about themselves than the bully did, the bully doesn't get anything out of it and won't pick in your kid again., I tried to explain to my son that that was happening starting around that age. I thought it would be good to help him protect himself. I really wish I hadn’t. He has a huge chip on his shoulder now and always assumes new people have it in for him. It didn’t help him at all and it’s one of my biggest regrets., My son has been teased at playgrounds mostly by kids who don't understand his behavior. It started early on when he was 2 or 3 years-old with kids in our neighborhood. Right now I am trying to focus on knowing that bullying will always happen, some pain in life will happen, so resilience is what I have to try and offer. I believe that if he has resilience and enough positive social resources in his life, then the negative ones will be easier to process and handle. I've been trying to make friends with other parents with kids who are like my son or at least understand him well, so that he can build his own community. I've been looking at forest school classes and after school environments that might attract other kids that are like my son so that he can develop friendships. The initial impulse I used to have was fear, anger, and over protectiveness. I had to work on diminishing that in myself. I didn't want to accidentally isolate him or have him pick up on my own baggage, and instead be proactive in finding places where he CAN have positive social experiences where I watch but let the interaction play out. This was especially important once I realized that my son didn't even KNOW he was being made fun of sometimes, and other times it is possible that my own vigilance was misinterpreting a benign reaction from a kid. Sometimes kids that were stand-offish to him in the beginning or even made rude comments eventually warmed up to him and they started playing together. There would be some flare ups and mean statements, but I had to just watch and trust that even this was an important experience for my son to learn from. He's about to start public school for the first time, so these things are on my mind a lot., Had a somewhat similar experience, we were also at the park and there were a pair of girls there maybe 8 to 11 and the kept asking my son what his name is. Being level 2 semi verbal. He didn't reply, I had to tell them his name. It broke my heart We went to get our sons passports (both ASD) And the gentleman was asking our kids who is this and pointing to myself or my wife. Neither kid would answer mommy or daddy. Eventually after walking around and back my one son waved at my wife and said hi mommy. We tried to explain to the guy that our kids are autistic and you likley will not get a direct answer to any question. It hurts to know what they are in for, I was the quiet fat kid getting laughed at was a daily routine for me. Didn't know until last year that I myself am on the spectrum but things about life started to make sense., My kid spent most of her early years being rejected because she was different thankfully she didn’t notice too much but it was heartbreaking. Eventually she did find other kids who meshed with her and she has her little tribe now. That doesn’t means she hasn’t faced a ton of bullying and still does. They schools are essentially useless (our last school said they couldn’t do anything because the bully had special needs … like wtf) Anyways we just build her up at home, surround her with people who know her worth and put any creeping fears to rest. It’s not perfect it still hurts to be bullied but she knows she’s awesome 99% of the time., My son is 4. I worry about him being picked on in school all the time. Turns out I don't need to worry because my son is so socially disconnected compared to the other kids he just doesn't care. I've just been taking it day by day., There's an ad going around Australia right now about inappropriate comments: "Every talk/ comment shapes them. " A mother overhears two men saying "she deserved it." She then asks her daughter what she would do if someone said such rubbish to her and the daughter says "I don't know? Tell them off?" "Yeah, good," says the mum. Same thing can be applied to your daughter. If you overhear something ask her how she'd respond. It's not your daughter's fault for being different but it is up to others to not say anything if they can't say anything nice and to be called out for it when safe and appropriate., As an RBT, I try to teach my clients about self advocacy. But that only works so much and you have quite a young kiddo. So I would say still teach self advocacy but also remind her that she does not control others. Many ASD folks experience rigidity and encounter challenges to that rigidity. Teaching them early on how to cope with disappointment and reality falling short of expectations will go a long way. Otherwise I would recommend focusing on advocating for herself when she is called names or treated unfairly., Yeah I get being a moody teen but to say something rude about a 4 YO who is excited to be at the park and meet people? Fuck that kid indeed, wow. that’s still a child you’re talking about. they may not understand what they are seeing but an opportunity to teach does not equal an opportunity to judge. may you find peace in your heart and spread love, not hate, I love these thoughts. I'm adopting the preschool method for sure. Thank you for your insight!, Yeah this is an amazing approach. One that can be carried through your daughter’s life (and my kids’ too!) so that she may be able to face these things on her own without needing to rely on backup by mom. As badly as we moms wish we could do just that for the rest of their lives (come at me I swear I’ll cut a bit**), it doesn’t teach them how to self care through healthy perspectives. I’m absolutely taking this with me. My kids are 2.5 (autistic) and 1 and all I want is for them to be able to have high enough self esteem to know that when people are being jerks to us, it has absolutely nothing to do with us. Thank you!, Well maybe he could stand to learn a social skill or two with the proper comeback., I so appreciate your suggestions. Your son has a great mama <3, I love most of what you said. BUT ASD kiddos can ABSOLUTELY advocate for themselves when the severity level so permits. In fact, we teach that in therapy. What to do when called names, emotional regulation, etc., Right? She’s killing it and I’m so proud of her. I like your phrasing and much more mature than my initial reaction to body him lol. Thanks for your thoughts!, [removed], Literally the only comment to respect the fact that we are talking about TWO CHILDREN INTERACTING, Give your little guy a hug from me and thank you for your thoughts!, I've seen older kids really benefit from social skills camps! Something to keep on the radar. Your little sounds perfect!, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I wish you all the best <3, I love this analogy!, a maladapted teen? maybe you don’t understand but you can still respect and spread love not hate. teens are kids too. ASD kiddos will be teens someday and likely won’t know how to socialize typically. let’s love them too, Your heart was in the right place. Part of me wants to help mine build a protective shell too to protect her from the world and it's a tough balance to strike. The world doesn't deserve our kiddos, Thank you for your thoughts. I certainly need to work on my own impulses. Your little guy will do great at public school!, So true. I'm constantly encouraging her, hoping I'm giving her a shield of self love when she goes to face the world. Thanks for your insight!, Also please reinforce when she initiates interactions!! It may be critical if/when she experiences social deficits, please never say fuck that kid ever again. we have all been misinformed teens who had poor models to mimic but come on. you’re talking about a child!, I do not care. I knew better than to speak about others in public, especially little kids, by like age, 7? So definitely fuck that kid, People downvoting this comment perplex me. We literally teach children how to do this and why in earth would that be a negative thing, This is true! Midnight mom brain and trying to avoid writing an epistle equals misspeaking. 😅 You just reminded me that YES, my son IS being taught that in therapy currently and he definitely has been advocating for himself! I guess my train of thought was that when he was too young to process what was happening, and also when dealing with educational barriers at schools - oftentimes ASD kids won't know how to advocate for themselves in that regard. I've had to step in I don't know how many times at my kids schools when things were not being handled properly. My son has a tendency to mentally black out when he gets overwhelmed and over-stimulated (that's what his current meltdowns look like) and can't remember anything, doesn't make great choices, reacts instantly, etc. Thank you for pointing that out! Absolutely necessary for parents to teach their children to advocate for themselves!!! The earlier the better!!! 💕, Nobody is saying to harm a child, when someone is hurtful to your child, it is an impulse reaction that we do not engage in, to want to physically defend your child when the words don’t immediately appear., Thank you! I had anxiety last night thinking how much more difficult it is to navigate socially as we grow up. I remember being shunned as I recall how socially awkward I was. All we want is just for our kids to be happy., Respect is to be earned. This kid hasn’t earned it for me. And while yes, teenagers are still kids, a teenager, even a 13 year old, is going to know how to socialize better than a 4 year old with autism. A neurotypical teenager saying that about a disabled 4 year old doesn’t get excuses, that’s an asshole move. If the teenager is autistic, I think the reaction would be different. But from what we have, he isn’t., It is a valid feeling. I see your point but teenagers generally know better. He was being an asshole. She didn't attack him. She felt this. It is a perfectly okay way to feel. It's how we react that is really important in those moments. I feel the same way as OP in those moments. It's valid., Also, by that logic, you judge all neurodivergent kiddos? Those who could not speak or toilet or chew when you could, fuck them too?, [removed], No? I’m literally autistic lmao why would I give about about some kid “speaking for toilet” “chewing”, Difference in morals. Some kids need to be called assholes. Teenagers bullying small children fall into that camp. I would argue that is evil, You literally just said “I could [blank] by [age] so they should too” Couldn’t make it any clearer tbh and no, truth is not harassment

How do you teach a 3 year old how to dress?

Hi there, I’m a proud father of a 3y3m boy on the spectrum. He’s verbal, even though there’s plenty of phrases / scripting he can produce speech unprompted on a daily basis. Potty training was no problem at 2.5 year old, took us 2 tries 1 month apart. He’s catching up on expressing emotions pretty good as well… but boy oh boy, is dressing up a struggle. He has sensory issues and I can’t seem to figure out a way to make him figure out how to put on a t-shirt and socks. Pants and undies are 50/50 depending if he’ll manage to put his leg in correct „hole”, but for upper wardrobe… he seems to not understand where he needs to put his hands in, how to pull it over his head, most of the time he’ll try to stick his hand into a sleeve from the wrong side, get frustrated and run away… and while he can be quite detailed about other things that he doesnt like / can’t do, all he says about dressing up is that he „doesn’t know / doesn’t want to talk about this” and seems quite oblivious to any explanations I try to make. Do you folks have any tips on how to help him master this important act?

Wow! You're doing great! 9yo and still working on toileting (can get him to sit if told, but wiping... well). Ours can now dress a little with explicit instructions and a tantrum or two. I'm doing it by kind of making him. He's had enough experience to figure it out, so I am not sure how much is confusion, autism or stubbornness to old routines; mine doesn't like to change how it's always been done on just about everything. My best gains have been though making things fun. I'll often go in with him and try to put on his clothes, or put them on wrong and make jokes. I try to get him to correct me; I try to play the jester with him. I can see a day when he will just go dress himself, but toileting is still fathomless. This autism parenting is so f!n hard! I feel like I have to master at least 4 different fields and do the equivalent of at least two jobs/day just to keep the world together., my son is six, level one. give it time and patience. I still help to dress him quite a bit. at age three, I still helped him 100% because he lacked interest in dressing himself. now, he understands that if he gets his bathing suit on, we will go to the pool. your son is already potty trained. you're doing really well. keep it up., Thanks for your kind words and helpful tips, will see if I can muster out some inner jester to help him get through this! Re: toileting I feel really luck and our son has been so brave with this - last week I was on a call working from home, I didn’t notice he went away as he was playing near my desk - 2 mins later I hear a call from the toilet „DAAAAD IM DONE, PLEASE FLUSH IT” - proud moment indeed. And re: wiping… he worked out the front wiping pretty well, and the rear - he does his best., Wow! You're doing great! 9yo and still working on toileting (can get him to sit if told, but wiping... well). Ours can now dress a little with explicit instructions and a tantrum or two. I'm doing it by kind of making him. He's had enough experience to figure it out, so I am not sure how much is confusion, autism or stubbornness to old routines; mine doesn't like to change how it's always been done on just about everything. My best gains have been though making things fun. I'll often go in with him and try to put on his clothes, or put them on wrong and make jokes. I try to get him to correct me; I try to play the jester with him. I can see a day when he will just go dress himself, but toileting is still fathomless. This autism parenting is so f!n hard! I feel like I have to master at least 4 different fields and do the equivalent of at least two jobs/day just to keep the world together., my son is six, level one. give it time and patience. I still help to dress him quite a bit. at age three, I still helped him 100% because he lacked interest in dressing himself. now, he understands that if he gets his bathing suit on, we will go to the pool. your son is already potty trained. you're doing really well. keep it up., Thanks for your kind words and helpful tips, will see if I can muster out some inner jester to help him get through this! Re: toileting I feel really luck and our son has been so brave with this - last week I was on a call working from home, I didn’t notice he went away as he was playing near my desk - 2 mins later I hear a call from the toilet „DAAAAD IM DONE, PLEASE FLUSH IT” - proud moment indeed. And re: wiping… he worked out the front wiping pretty well, and the rear - he does his best., Wow! You're doing great! 9yo and still working on toileting (can get him to sit if told, but wiping... well). Ours can now dress a little with explicit instructions and a tantrum or two. I'm doing it by kind of making him. He's had enough experience to figure it out, so I am not sure how much is confusion, autism or stubbornness to old routines; mine doesn't like to change how it's always been done on just about everything. My best gains have been though making things fun. I'll often go in with him and try to put on his clothes, or put them on wrong and make jokes. I try to get him to correct me; I try to play the jester with him. I can see a day when he will just go dress himself, but toileting is still fathomless. This autism parenting is so f!n hard! I feel like I have to master at least 4 different fields and do the equivalent of at least two jobs/day just to keep the world together., my son is six, level one. give it time and patience. I still help to dress him quite a bit. at age three, I still helped him 100% because he lacked interest in dressing himself. now, he understands that if he gets his bathing suit on, we will go to the pool. your son is already potty trained. you're doing really well. keep it up., Thanks for your kind words and helpful tips, will see if I can muster out some inner jester to help him get through this! Re: toileting I feel really luck and our son has been so brave with this - last week I was on a call working from home, I didn’t notice he went away as he was playing near my desk - 2 mins later I hear a call from the toilet „DAAAAD IM DONE, PLEASE FLUSH IT” - proud moment indeed. And re: wiping… he worked out the front wiping pretty well, and the rear - he does his best., Wow! You're doing great! 9yo and still working on toileting (can get him to sit if told, but wiping... well). Ours can now dress a little with explicit instructions and a tantrum or two. I'm doing it by kind of making him. He's had enough experience to figure it out, so I am not sure how much is confusion, autism or stubbornness to old routines; mine doesn't like to change how it's always been done on just about everything. My best gains have been though making things fun. I'll often go in with him and try to put on his clothes, or put them on wrong and make jokes. I try to get him to correct me; I try to play the jester with him. I can see a day when he will just go dress himself, but toileting is still fathomless. This autism parenting is so f!n hard! I feel like I have to master at least 4 different fields and do the equivalent of at least two jobs/day just to keep the world together., my son is six, level one. give it time and patience. I still help to dress him quite a bit. at age three, I still helped him 100% because he lacked interest in dressing himself. now, he understands that if he gets his bathing suit on, we will go to the pool. your son is already potty trained. you're doing really well. keep it up., Thanks for your kind words and helpful tips, will see if I can muster out some inner jester to help him get through this! Re: toileting I feel really luck and our son has been so brave with this - last week I was on a call working from home, I didn’t notice he went away as he was playing near my desk - 2 mins later I hear a call from the toilet „DAAAAD IM DONE, PLEASE FLUSH IT” - proud moment indeed. And re: wiping… he worked out the front wiping pretty well, and the rear - he does his best.

How does one have a healthy, normal relationship/marriage with a high-needs child?

I hate myself for having to ask this. My husband and I are doing this on our own, we don’t live near friends or family because of his career. And because of our son’s needs we do not trust a random babysitter. He is 5, will be 6 in the summer. We also have a 3 year old who appears neurotypical. But our ASD son’s needs are all consuming. We have no time to actually be a husband and wife. When he is at school or therapy, husband is at work. He won’t sleep anywhere except our room, so night time is also booked up. When we have family visit they always babysit and do their absolute best, but can usually only handle it for a few hours. To give some more context, our son is extremely sensory seeking, and he tries to yeet himself into the stratosphere daily. He’s needed to have surgery, constantly covered in bruises and cuts, yesterday he climbed on top of our fridge and jumped off. I just feel my marriage crumbling. We haven’t had sex in over a year. Haven’t been on a date since last summer. We barely talk and we argue/fight more than anything. I’ve brought up marriage counseling but like, how would we even attend the sessions? We can’t leave our son with someone, it’s too dangerous. And my husband works when he’s in school. If you are in a similar position, how do you make your marriage/relationship work? I’m so heartbroken my marriage is like this.

My son is close to the same age. He had similar issues with impulsivity and hyperactivity before starting meds for ADHD. The meds changed his life. They changed our lives too. If you haven’t already, I recommend discussing medication with his doctor. Edit: And don’t hate yourself for asking a question! Everyone here has similar struggles. This is one space where you’ll never find yourself ‘alone.’, My daughter is around that age and also a stratosphere self-yeeter. And our marriage was in a similar state, with the same childcare issues and whatnot.  Therapy was absolutely necessary, and even though it was stressful as hell, I had to suck it up and have a friend come babysit for that 1-2 hours. She happened to be a nurse so I figured if the worst happened, she was the most equipped 😂 nobody died (yay!), and the much needed therapy helped us tremendously. It also led to each of us attending individual therapy which was huge for both of us, and led to me finally getting into meds for anxiety and depression. Each of us working on ourselves and individual challenges really helped us start being more patient, better partners, and more communicative (even if just about the insanity that was our lives at that point lol).  I resisted respite for a long time because I didn’t trust a stranger to babysit. Then one day a SPED teacher my daughter had from preschool who we still saw a lot on campus approached me and offered to be our respite caregiver if I was ever in need of one. I had never even considered asking anyone from school, but it turns out almost all of the aides and teachers we know do it for former students. It’s been the best thing, we really only use her once or twice a month for date night or daytime dates. But it gives major peace of mind to know someone who she knows and is literally a SPED teacher is with her. So if you have respite hours you’ve never used, may be worth trying to network with teachers and aides in your area to see if anyone is willing! And your school situation sounds like the district isn’t doing their job well—which state are you in? Everyone hear can share help research supports for you guys to help with school and seeking out respite and other supports for families like yours. Lastly—someone else said this too. Acceptance of your situation is the key. That sounds defeatist and kinda depressing from an outside perspective. But honestly, once we both quit trying to swim against the current, so to speak, and just “went with it”, things were night and day better in our relationship. We just accepted that the old relationship and ways of being a couple weren’t going to happen now or maybe ever. So we just accepted it, adapted, gave each other a little grace, and moved forward.  You’ve both gotta learn to lean into it and each other and accept it for what it is. And this was hard for me, but you’ve just gotta rip off the bandaid with leaving your ASD child with a sitter or respite caregiver. It’s stressful and not picture perfect, but you’ve just gotta force yourselves to take care of your mental health and relationships. The whole family will thrive once you take are in good shape together and individually.  Sorry for the novel. It’s fucking hard, but there’s light at the end of the proverbial tunnel if you guys both do the work 🙂, Each of you needs respite. Separately and together I was in same spot and wife left four years ago. Now my life consists of autism chaos for long stretches, then a break where i barely have time to recover and strengthen myself When all I really needed was a morning off here or there, and maybe an hour off in the evenings. I did not know how to articulate my needs, I was too overwhelmed by the needs of our son and keeping him safe Create a schedule that provides time for each of you to not be “on the clock” Creating community from scratch is also hard. If you can’t find any, your best bet is to be that community with your spouse. Autism parenting broke my ex wife and our marriage. She can do it now, but only four days a month. As far as the climbing and jumping goes, these kids need to burn off so much energy. Trampoline, swimming, long walks, bike/scooter rides have had the biggest impact for me They also require lots of dedicated 1on1 instruction with a mountain of patience. Create a schedule that provides that for both parents. My advice is to put something down on paper first, because nobody has the capacity for discussion or thought out ideas when you’re catching kids falling from refrigerators., You adjust to a new normal. Our sex life is also lacking, but we make sure to do a date at least once a month. (YMCA parents night out, 3 blissful child free hours) and do basic things like rest against one another in bed and be kind to one another when overwhelmed. It's not going to be anything like parents of NT kids get, but...eh. People survive it, I hear. :-/, I understand ❤️ it’s hard to not have support. Check your county’s resources. They often have respite care programs for people in your situation!! People who are skilled and experienced with high needs!, There are babysitters who have experience with special needs. I joined a local Facebook group for sitters and found girls with ABA experience, and also girls in college for occupational therapy. You can also find ex special Ed teachers. My son is a constantly safety risk and puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. It was scary to leave him with a sitter but once you break the seal it gets better. You could start with just an hour outing if you feel more comfortable and work your way up to overnight. I also put him on clonidine (I think that’s spelled right) to calm him down in the evenings and it’s made our lives so much better. Now he will sit and watch a movie (he would NEVER sit still before) and goes to bed at a reasonable time. He seems more connected to his world also not being spastic all the time. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more because your son sounds exactly like my son., Is it possible for your husband to take a day off every once in awhile, or even just have a late morning? That way you can spend time together when kiddo is occupied and your energy is higher and not completely gone at the end of the day. Go to breakfast, enjoy the sunshine without wrangling kiddo. And boom, morning sex!, We got lucky and found an excellent sitter who works with children who have ASD. We had to meet a few sitters before we found her. We did a few trial sessions while we were at home, an warmed up to leaving her alone with our kid. Edit: We also have nearby friends we trust who would sit in the house after we put the kid to bed. So we would go out and have a late dinner., I don't have answers, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. My husband & I are in the same position. My family is across the county, my friends are long gone. My husband is the boss at his job and works 6 days a week. I'm tired. And sad. I love my son to pieces though, but I am too scared to leave him with respite care because he's also nonverbal and how do you trust a stranger when you can't even ask your child how it went and if they were treated correctly? I'm scared someone will hurt him. My son is 4., When you think of medications try not to focus just on the side effects. It is hell trying to fight what is inside your own body and mind and he deserves relief to live the best life he can for himself. If he had a heart condition or something else would you be as hesitant to treat that condition due to the side effects of the medication? Your child needs something to help him or he might end up doing something even more extreme in sensory seeking and could possibly get seriously hurt or worse. Plus you all deserve to enjoy him when his mind isn't in crisis constantly., Here for answers. My relationship imploded a while ago because of the load. Very sad stuff, Our son is 7 and also all-consuming. We started marriage counseling about. A year ago and it really helped. We both work from home and do the sessions via zoom (so that helps). We haven’t tried a zoom session when we’re in two different places, but maybe that is an option. Counseling has really helped us realize we’re on the same team. By the way, it’s still not perfect, but much better., We are doing a therapy 20 min trial today with TV as the babysitter. They do virtual sessions so if we go ahead with it I’ll get a sitter, put on TV and we will still be in the house but a little further away. And then maybe if the sitter works we can start date nights? IDK. We have some big stuff to discuss but it is like 10 min and a kid wakes up and then it gets dropped., What about like zoom online counseling., Have you considered in-house special needs respite care for a few hours? It's usually county funded and a trained social worker who works with kids with disabilities. There will be paperwork and such to fill out. My child isn't high needs, but we used respite care because she is definitely a full cup, and we have multiple kids. The worker would take her out once a week and do an activity for a few hours so I could get stuff done around the house and take care of my own needs. I know it's hard to trust people with your kids, that comes with parenting, and it's nerve-wracking! I hope this information was helpful. Resources are out there. They can be difficult to find, but they are out there. Stay strong, Mama, If you figure it out let me know, my marriage is falling apart ever since our son was born., Why can’t he sleep in his room? Not being snarky genuinely asking to see if maybe we have a solution. Night time is me and my husbands favorite time to connect. We watch movies and talk and cuddle etc. it’s super bonding and we have what I would consider a very healthy happy marriage, My 8 year old has autism with support needs at a level 3 along with ADHD, he’s non verbal. He’s been in ABA a few years and has made huge improvements in managing his own emotions and behavior and communication. I also find melatonin before bed helps with the sleep issue a little bit. Things didn’t work out with me and his dad but my new husband and I make it work. He’s more accepting and understanding of my son’s condition than his actual father is. Just show each other patience and I would really try to focus and get a handle on helping your son mitigate these behaviors through therapy or medication or a combination. Whatever you and your drs feel is the best but you can’t keep going on this way., I was in a similar rut. We now do things like watch a movie every Friday night at home, while our some is playing in the living room, go on drives or hikes together ( no phones), etc. basically date things but with our son. It’s hardly possible to do it by ourselves. Maybe once in a blue moon. But something is better than nothing. Even cook together, clean the house together,, We went through the same thing at the same age. Honestly, find the time for quickies. That's where it starts. I'm sure your husband could shift his schedule to have an "appointment" once a week for some afternoon delight. You cannot be the parents you need to be if you can't take care of your own needs. Sex is important. We still go through dry spells from exhaustion. They don't last for more than two weeks because we prioritize sex. Once we started carving out the time for each other, we were able to meet each other's needs emotionally as well. Communication got easier. Teamwork got easier and life feels more manageable., Dad here. It’s definitely not easy. But what a journey. What I believe has helped is a scheduling on the quantum level. Well, we have not mastered it, it’s important to try to keep schedules and dates. Whether it’s initiated by you or him, both you guys need to be on the same page. If he’s extremely off the wall, a little bit of medication would help just to engage him in order to correct his behaviour. Later on you can modify the dosage and ultimately remove dosage. On the times that he has extremely hyperactivity, those are the times that you need to modify your schedule in order for him to let loose at the park or to wrestle with Dad. Quantum scheduling needs to be in order, and you need to have a time to have wine dinner date night and ultimately release yourselves especially the lady. This is the mountain that’s been assigned to you, don’t quit, don’t give up, place your faith in God and know that these children need you. Your husband needs you, and it’s gonna take both of you to figure out a proper schedule to make time for you and the kids without everything falling apart. I learned you cannot wing it, it has to be methodical with the purpose. And nutrition needs to be on its point with sleep. I feel you., [deleted], Don’t feel bad about asking this. I think we all are suffering a little. I’m also very far from any family and tbh I have no friends either. Just one who is far far away. I’d love to try to find parent friends who have a kid like ours. But back to marriage. It’s tough. We can’t just get any baby sitter to come help so we can go on a date. We can’t get time alone… so my husband and I try to make the most of our time as a family. Park outings really make everyone smile and feel connected. And we cherish the times the kids are in bed. We never let them stay up late because that’s all the time we get. We try to talk a lot about the day and we make sure to laugh about the challenges. We crack jokes about the worst of it all with our ASD kid. Not mean ones but we HAVE to laugh or it’s sad to deal with. We have to force intimacy because we both are so tired every night. Not that we don’t want to but one of us literally fall asleep early every night. Tell your husband as much as you can about how you love and appreciate him. Even if it’s with little notes hidden around the house. Thats the best start if you can’t get the dating life like we can’t. And try to date each other at home. Do little things just because it’ll make your spouse feel cared for. A little can go a long long way. There’s things we all can work on. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. The life you’re living is absolutely harder than other parents so don’t be putting yourself down in other aspects of life. I bet you’re doing great. I bet your husband loves you more than you know. The grind is just getting in the way., So we are in a similar boat. Our son sleeps in our room. It took a lot of dedication, but he sleeps in his own bed parallel to ours. He (4) is also a sensory seeker who depends on his routines. My husband and I struggled a lot to connect for a long time after he was born. What we do now is: get him to bed in our room in his bed. We start bedtime at 5pm and he's out by 730(the latests) and then we spend time with each other in our office. We have a pull out couch in that space, and a TV. We can hang out, watch a movie or have physical alone time. We keep a monitor in the room just in case our son wakes up. I've never had a night/day away from my son in his 4 years of life. I say that only to say: I totally understand. My husband and I are in individual therapy. They're zoom based so we dont have to go to an office etc. Big hugs 💕, can totally relate to this. do you talk to your husband about it/how you feel? I'm sure he is fully aware that this isn't ideal and wants things to improve. have you looked into support groups locally? you might be able to get some respite somehow., If you’re located in the US, have you applied for the waiver program yet? They have services specifically for the other family members to have a break for an hour or 2 each week. And family therapy is essential—especially as your 3 year old gets older & sees just how much their sibling takes up everyone’s time. For your 5 year old, he’s the perfect age to start play therapy. We did play therapy for our son starting at age 4, then transitioned to ABA., It’s very difficult. My husband has started taking a day off work once a month on a day when both kids are at school / day care so that we can just be. My eldest only does half days of school right now so it’s a half day for us but yeah it’s ridiculous that that’s the lengths we have to go to have a bit of space right now, I'm sorry to hear that and I hope things get better for you. My kids are similar age to yours and very similar situation. I also have ADHD and partner very likely ASD. Unfortunately for us, there have been too many pressures and we no longer see each other as partners but as parents only. People say it gets easier as they get older., We have 5 kids. Our #4 has strong ADHD and our #5 ASD age 4.5. No family or friends support. I read the statistics that 80% of couples get divorced and we spoke about it. Its a partnership that everyone contributes to. I told my other kids that he is a blessing and it will take us time to learn and understand it. It gave us a new meaning to life. If you had a strong foundation going in to this, find it and put it back in place., I keep bringing up meds to my husband too. He’s hesitant because of potential side effects, which I understand. But I also would like some sliver of normal life back, you know? I love my kids so much but I also want to have a healthy marriage and life outside of caretaking., As an ADHDer, meds are life changing. If there are problematic side effects, you can try something new—it’s not forever. It sounds like it’s worth trying., Thank you, and I’m so sorry that happened to your marriage. So is your ex wife not very involved now? You said only 4 days a month. I fear it would be the same if my husband and I split, I don’t think he’d be able to be very involved., I wish I could trust childcare. My son couldn’t attend, even in public school kindergarten he’s already been suspended 3 times., Yes!! This! You can do a respite for a few hours it doesn’t have to be a whole weekend, I will do that, thank you., Echoing that it is possible to find a qualified babysitter. We used Care.com special needs section to find a babysitter whose day job was at a school for kids with high needs. She knew exactly how to handle my son, even during violent outbursts., I’ve brought that up before and he has done it a couple of times. His job is very demanding and high stress, and he’s the boss, so it’s hard for him to. 😔, I feel the exact same way. Last year we had a horrific incident at school where another special needs boy touched my son’s penis and pulled it enough to harm him. The school did everything correctly and even social services was involved in investigating it, but my son didn’t even care. He had no concept about what happened. So how can I trust someone with him? He wouldn’t even know they were doing something wrong to him., Is your child allowed to be present during the sessions?, I’m so sorry., He just won’t. He has very specific sleep requirements. It has been a struggle since infancy, at one point he stayed awake for close to 72 hours. We have him on a strict sleep schedule now and he has a sleep specialist; he finally sleeps from about 9:00-6:30 every night but all of the requirements must be met for him to do that., Huh?, I’ve never heard of the waiver program. What’s it called? How can I apply?, We were also concerned about side effects. However, the changes in our son have been so profound that our only regret is not doing it sooner! He’s able to engage with us more now. He’s able to engage with his hobbies. He’s a totally different child and is so much happier. I actually wrote a post here not too long ago on the topic. There are comments from other parents who have had the same experience. Share it with your husband, if you think it’ll help. Wishing you the best!, My ASD son isn’t on meds (hasn’t needed them yet), but my ADHD son is. He wouldn’t get through school without them. The only side effect he’s experienced is loss of appetite, so we just have to be vigilant about making sure he eats. He even says he feels better on the medication. He likes to be nice to people, and the meds allow him to control destructive impulses., I think it is worth weighing up the risks. Even if your kid does have some side effects, are they likely to be worse than him injuring himself to the point of needing surgery? Almost certainly not., You don't have to think about getting meds to save your marriage, you can think of getting meds to save your son. If hes jumping off fridges and getting injuries bad enough to need surgery, the meds are for his own good, and your marriage might secondarily benefit., As I read the last comment it hit on a worry for me. The medication changed my son's life! My ex-husband had all these fears of medications for himself and the kids, even when he saw the benefits. He projected that onto the kids and medication compliance started to become an issue. As they got older they felt like failures for using medications even when it made life bearable for them to not be so overwhelmed all the time. My one son now uses illegal drugs to get quiet because he feels like more of a failure when he takes the prescribed ones. Trying to get my son medicated and on the correct path is hard because taking meds makes him feel like a failure. I've had lots of conversations with my kids about what it feels like with meds and without. My son described his mind and thoughts as always being in a twirling storm. That he had to focus on something else through the storm grab at stuff randomly and put it together before losing the next piece. When he's on medication he said the storm isn't as bad, he can see through it and remember what he's supposed to do. I kept him on meds but even when his dad was eventually supportive it was too late. Medication could be the thing to save your son's life and marriage. There is a deep hurt and isolation that develops when you can't slow down your mind and find yourself. When you are continually doing impulsive things you can't slow down to think first. I would suggest trying to get your husband on the same page with loving kindness. He may be dealing with emotional hangups from his parents or some of his fears. Perhaps he is ND or suspects he is and it's bringing up difficult feelings for him. I would wait until he's on board unless he can agree to be completely supportive. If he's a science guy show him some studies. Do you have any respite providers in your area? Are you connected with any services in your area? If not I would suggest connecting with a local autism service provider or early years program. From there I would connect with them and other parents to see who they recommend for respite. You are important. Make sure you are taking care of yourself., Son’s father was hesitant to medicate until I went ahead and got him started on it. Now, it’s one of his first priorities in the morning to make sure the medication has been given. The increased focus and decreased impulsiveness was so noticeable and appreciated in the family dynamic., Withholding medicine for my ADHD is why I have a DEEP resentment towards my parents due to their refusal to even try it. You need to try medicine., we had this conversation recently with our psychologist and GP, basically we were concerned about the side effects, but apparently the risks are fairly low nowadays (there are lots more options than ritolin) speak to your doctor and see what the recommendations are., Yes. Four days a month And when she participates it’s sometimes counter productive She is committed to providing for our kids, but she’s checked out to the reality of our shared situation If you’re advocating for your special needs children and being provided for? I’d always suggest working it out in this situation Autism parenting is a grief process. It’s a minefield of emotions I went about being parent to level 3 autistic child and found everyone around me was in denial. I got upset and depressed Now I do a level 3 autistic child alone except four days a month. There’s extra time I’ve had to coach and encourage her to do, all of which could have been done within the marriage She still thinks he will “snap out of it”….., It took me a long time to find in my area but are there any Autism Society groups or autism schools or anything around you? In my area they have some supports for family night and other things. It may be a way to come to some resources. Also my husband and I play cards in bed and talk sometimes. Sometimes we read a novel together at bed. I am trying to do mare things like writing him a love letter once in a while. It is hard to be in the mood when you don’t have regular down times and it also requires a certain level of intimacy. Maybe doing shorter less sexy things like take turns with massage. Even a hand or foot massage or head massage is really nice. There’s times where we sit and scroll Reddit together on the same phone and talk about things we see. Sometimes there’s a kid in our bed asleep. If the mood strikes we’ve found ourselves in a closet or the bathroom. lol it’s like the early days but not often. Just keep trying to find ways to connect. Also therapy is helpful to have somewhere to dump the stuff and we use an online therapist. It has put us to the test and I’m so grateful through our struggles that he has chosen to work for him and I too succeed too. I wish you the best. You guys are the priority though. Easy to say. Have a coffee together. Get interrupted every five minutes like we do but keep coming back to it and each other., Why? I'm not sure if they can truly do that if he's special needs. I would look up your district rules and policies. Ours can't do that, unless it was an outrageous incident. Your son has rights as a disability student. I would also look those up too, for your state(disability rights). He deserves the right to an education, too., I second this, it’s a long process but if you haven’t done disability through your county, look into it. The respite workers are trained and will come even if you just want to go sit and decompress somewhere in the house for an hour. You qualify for a certain amount of respite care per month or year., If he was sick, he would take the time off. Your marriage is worth a few hours, even if he is the boss. I have to remind my husband of this fact often. Where in FL are you? If we were close, I’d come babysit for you. Maybe finding a mom’s group for autistic littles? My heart goes out to you, 😟😟 exactly. I understand completely and I've even had nightmares about it. I'm sorry for what happened to your son. I'm glad the school responded correctly. So at least you know there is trust there. It is just such a heartbreaking situation. I have so much anxiety around his whole life and future., We usually put him on the iPad in another room., Are you using medication? Our son won’t sleep without medication. I also pm-d you bc reddit was being glitchy and I couldn’t tell if my comment was posted, [deleted], What state are you in? It’s a part of the developmental disabilities department of Medicaid, which all kids on the spectrum are eligible for, regardless of what income their parents have. Have you applied for disability already for your son?, That’s so wonderful, thank you for telling me that., When did your LO get dx with ASD/ADHD ? My LO got ASD diagnosis at 3, but not much was mentioned about ADHD, but I highly suspect it bc he DOES NOT sit down for more than 1-2mins at a time. I feel like I mentioned this to his doctor and they chalked it up to general tot hyperactivity.  But now I have a NT 3YO, and she’s see what her tolerance is for sitting and general activity, it’s soo different.  , You’re very right about that., I’m not withholding it, he’s not old enough for it yet., I definitely plan to, thank you, He had physically harmed other students, hit one with his water bottle and broke her nose, another time he stomped on another child because the other child stepped on the Play-Doh he was playing with. At this point he didn’t have an IEP yet so they suspended him. And for those reasons I don’t blame them. I can’t imagine being those other children’s parents., School districts can suspend a student up to 10 days regardless of their disability before a manifestation determination meeting must be held: https://www.pacer.org/parent/php/PHP-c285.pdf, Is this something you need state insurance to qualify for?, So very kind of you. We are in NW Florida. Not much up here lol, Me too. I’m sorry you’re as anxious as me. Sometimes I go to bed and just feel so low., This. Mine won't sleep without medication to help her. She started meds at 6, but that's because our state had that ruling. If you haven't considered meds I would. I know how some people may feel about it, bit it's helped our child so much. It can be tricky to find the right one. Just advocate until you do, Feel like you’re on the wrong post, dude. My post is about my child, I am in Florida. No, I haven’t applied for disability either. I didn’t know I could., He was officially diagnosed with both @ 4. We didn’t start ADHD meds until he turned 6 but could have and should have started sooner. How old is your son now?, I didn’t say you were. Your husband is the one who doesn’t want to do it. And my son was 5 when he started meds. They can start at 4.5 I believe. It was life changing for him. He’s 8., I really encourage you to discuss meds with your child’s health care provider. I feel like with these symptoms your child might have an entirely different school experience with meds. It is so worth trying. Stimulant medication can be life changing for the kiddos it works for., I'm not sure about every state but I know you don't in California. You don't even have to be low-income., No, you don’t need state insurance. You need to apply for disability in your county. This isn’t the same as social security disability and will not be income based it will be needs based according to official diagnosis., I'm in indiana..respite has been a game changer for our family!! I'm lucky to know the lady who takes him, she's a friend I met through school...look into waiver services in your state...won't cost you a penny!, https://nathanielshope.org/resources/childcarerespite/ A list of potential respite providers in FL. I didn't see anything NW but they may have recommendations., Thank you, same here. I cry myself asleep a lot because I'm an older mom, I will be 40 next month, and I'm worrying myself sick as to who is going to care for him when my husband & I get old and pass away. I'm so sorry you're going through a similar experience., Agreed. Mom, you’re a person too. You need time alone with your husband., From the minute your son was diagnosed you were able to. I hate how so many doctors fail to inform parents about this! Even with just disability, without the waiver, all of your medical costs for him go to zero. Almost all therapies are covered. And depending on how high his needs are, you guys could be eligible for monthly SSDI payments. You can apply for disability now—there’s waitlists for all of it, but some states get you semi-covered right away. Most states right now have a 5 year wait list, but it’s so worth it. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions :), Just turned 6.. his focus is our biggest challenge, he has it for short bursts, but when he does he’s a quick learner.  If you don’t mind sharing, which meds is your kiddo on?, I didn’t say that either? I said he was hesitant because he’s worried about the possible cardiac side effects. He’s not against it nor will he “withhold it”. Our pediatrician said to wait until 6 for Guanfacine, and that’s what the age it also says on aafp, so I’m following that advice. I’m glad medication works for your child but it’s normal to be worried about a lifetime of needing drugs., Yes we definitely are going to when he turns 6, I am in Florida. I’ll try to look into it more., Do you have more info on where to look or how to start this process? I'm in San Diego county and have been working with the regional center here, but they mentioned that I wouldn't qualify for the 4 hours per quarter that they could offer for my ASD level 2/3 child., I’m speaking of my state and county but I believe, from hearing from families on groups like this, that it’s similar in most states. In Oregon you can also pay family members or yourself for care through county disability as if you/they were respite workers. I know you mentioned that you can only have family help for short periods, because they get overwhelmed, but you can have them come and get paid so you can pop and do a load of laundry. Little snippets of time can really help when you can get something done without as much stress, I had no idea I could apply for disability for him. I have to look into this because we do struggle financially but make “too much” to qualify for assistance like food stamps., No problem. He takes 30 mg of Quillichew in the morning. In the afternoon, he gets a small 5 mg dose of liquid methylphenidate IR. The pm dose helps ‘soften the crash,’ so to speak. We’ve also been trying SSRIs to help with his anxiety. We’ve not found the right one yet. Like your son, he’s a quick learner w/ a short attention span. We’ve seen a lot of improvement in that area. He can now sit down and see things through until they’re complete. In hindsight, his inability to pay attention really affected his self-esteem. He always looks so proud of himself now when he’s able to complete the task at hand. 😊 So, yeah, IMO, it’s absolutely worth mentioning to your son’s doctor/neuro/psychiatrist again., I just want to say you are doing a good thing by reaching out on here for help. A lot of people are telling you medication and I agree. Your pediatrician said wait till 6 but they are not a psychiatrist. This sounds like something way above what a pediatrician can handle. Find a good psychiatrist. It’s scary yes. But your child needs help. The sleep alone is a huge deal and guanfacine is pretty hit or miss. Your son needs a specialist to help him. It may take many different medication trials to find out what works but there is a bright light at the end of it all., Seek out a child psychiatrist. We see ours online. She prescribes medication and we have a check-in every four weeks (less, if needed). They know EVERYTHING about behaviors, medication, side effects, and complimentary therapies., I’m not saying this as tactfully as I should have. As you can tell, it’s a big AF trigger for me because of how it impacted me. All I’m saying is that MY parents withheld the medicine from me. Not saying you are, I am saying that your husbands phrasing seems very similar to what I see from other parents who refuse medicine because they don’t understand it and it sent up a red flag to me…because of my history., My daughter is level 3 and I have the same problems as you, plus she’s been out of school for over a year due to these issues. She tried guanfacine at about 3.5 and switched to clonidine which she’s still on now for sleep. She currently does ABA, Speech and occupational therapy. I tried to get adhd medication to help her in the daytime and so she can be more manageable around other people but her neurologist said she’s too young and it’s normally for older kids I believe around 6 but said when she’s 4.5 we’ll see how she’s doing and he can prescribe it at that time. Maybe get another opinion from a neurologist for your son?, Can you tell me what this is called? I’m Googling “disability financial assistance for child with autism Florida” but all I’m getting is SSDI., If finances are tight I also recommend you apply for social security disability! It’s a pretty low (low as in you can’t make or have money hardly) qualifying requirement though and they take into account how many cars you have, if you have a retirement account, if you have a savings account, etc. it’s a long process and very frustrating but it’s worth trying, We have one, she’s great. She also recommended to wait until 6., I apologize if I was defensive, it felt like I was being told my child will resent me for not immediately putting him on medication., You would look up the specific county you live in, ‘_____county disability for disabled child’ something like that, I just had a second to actually read what you had written, sorry for the disjointed response!, What state are you in? In Indiana, they go by the child’s income for SSDI eligibility. We make over 6 figures & it has never mattered—they told us an autistic child qualifies regardless of their parents income. We’ve had SSDI since my son was 4. However, because of our income, we do not qualify automatically for SSDI monthly payments. As far as I’m concerned, this is the case for all states because it’s through the federal SSDI program. My son’s disability follows him everywhere—it’s the state waiver programs that you have to reapply for if you move. I’ve been dealing with this stuff & helping others for years, and we’ve never seen a family turned down because they made too much., Sometimes it is called Developmental Disability Services, Does she know all about his behaviors? That they interfere with your life to the extent you described above? Maybe show her the post you wrote?, So glad that you have a team of providers. I am surprised, however, that they say wait til 6. My son started just before turning 4 and it turned our world around. My daughter was offered it by a different provider at 3 (early in age 3), to counteract the impact of necessary daily steroids. Didn’t work for her. This is to say… if you want the med help, don’t hesitate to push or get another opinion! Good luck!, Do you have a neurologist? Extended release clonidine is used to treat ADHD. It is also recommended at 6, but they can prescribe normal release clonidine to help with sleep issues and it also has some effects during the day., In Oregon, applying for disability in your county is a separate process and matter from SSDI. SSDI is money from social security vs disability (from your county) that gives you access to county services, such as an allotted amount of hours of respite care, either from trained respite workers, or pays yourself, or your family for care. It is confusing because the term ‘disability’ is always assumed to mean SSDI. Disability through county services however is not income based and has the extra bonus of getting state medical coverage without taking into account any of your financial status. Through county disability you can also request reimbursement for funds for needed things for your child, AAC devices, black out curtains, safety devices etc. It’s worth looking into it in your county because it’s truly one of the only benefits/resources available that is solely needs based no matter what your income. I know that this is what exists in many states other than Oregon and again worth checking out, We definitely got denied SSDI because we made too much, My son’s isn’t through the county. We have waiver services through the state, but his disability status is federal. When he was officially diagnosed, the healthcare provider gave us all the resources, how to file & so forth. All they stressed was that we needed an official diagnosis. Then when my son started ABA, our ABA provider showed us how to get him on the list for waiver, so he could transition immediately when he graduated ABA. I remember during our initial call with SS, I was concerned cause we made too much & she told me the parents’ income is not considered, only my son’s. I feel terrible for the families that aren’t informed how to do it & when providers aren’t helpful. My son has had Medicaid since he was 4–between that & our insurance through my husband’s company, we’ve paid $0 out of pocket for him. I was been told by our case manager that every autistic child qualifies, it’s just a lot of paper work & time. And working in SpEd, I’ve directed so many families to do the same with positive results. Some states do things differently, like the county services, but the overall disability is federal., We don’t get payments because we do make too much. But the SSDI payments are different from the SSDI status, like having Medicaid. Medicaid is only income based for non-disabled individuals., Everything is so nuanced and time consuming. There really should be an ASD concierge or something that you can access all of the services (heck, even list the services available), like a one stop shop that has federal, state and local agencies affiliated with it. Not everyone gets good guidance and must feel so lost. Even with guidance I feel lost most of the time. Our kiddos are all so different and face the same challenges and barriers to care when they need it the most

How hard is it for autistic adults to find a job?

I'm mostly posting this to seek commiseration. I (23F) have a sister (26F) who has autism and we (my family and I) are having an extremely difficult time trying to find her a job. She's very staunch in not wanting to do cleaning duties despite wanting to only work in the food industry which obviously, will definitely require to some degree - setting up tables and clearing tables. My family and I are increasingly losing hope in finding her employment but it just tears me up inside whenever we get our hopes up only to have them crashing down because of her self-sabotaging at interviews and job trials. It's gotten to a point where my mental health is in a wreck because of worrying about the future, feeling sad for my parents and all this disappointment and hopelessness. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep finding jobs for someone who is self-rejecting every opportunity I send her way. I just want to know if this is a common thing that happens and if it is, how did you guys deal with it? I just don't know how much me and my family can take anymore of it. Edit: I think part of this also stems from some kind of worry about the future. My parents aren’t young, they had us pretty late and I just don’t know what to do when they leave us one day. Part of me just want to be gone before then so I don’t have to worry about it. It’s just so sad to see her (my sister) just rotting away at home but also to see my mom so disappointed everytime. Note: She's also capable of traveling independently but in no way able to survive on her own and we're based in Singapore

So this can be wide ranging due to the wide range of interests and skills someone on the spectrum might have. May I ask, what is it about the fast food industry that attracts your sister to a position in the fast food industry? Also might it be beneficial to expand the search? For example I knew a young man who wanted to work in a store but what he liked about it was being on his feet and not tied down to a cubicle, he now works at the school cafeteria and loves it. Has anyone told you about an ABLE account? It can help a person with a disability save and not have to keep less than 2000 cash on hand without affecting SSI cash benefits. Have you been able to connect with any vocational rehabilitation programs in your state? Most have programs designed to aid an individual locate meaningful employment., You sound like an amazing brother. I highly recommend seeking therapy for you to help you navigate this. You deserve to be happy., It is incredibly hard for anyone to find a job right now, let alone a good paying job. The job market sucks. People with autism are more likely to be unemployed. Nowadays job seekers have got to tailor a resume to match keywords in the job description. That’s the only way to get past the AI screening process. Some people use ChatGPT to do this., My brother is on the spectrum (self diagnosed) and is incredibly picky about what jobs he is willing to do. He’s smart and perfectly capable, just picky. At some point my parents had to let him make decisions for himself and stop meddling. If he wanted to live in a studio apartment without roommates, he had to have a job to pay for it. He’s constantly switching jobs but he’s an adult and it’s his responsibility, Go to the DVR in your state. It’s literally all they do. ❤️ she will be okay. And you will be okay friend., Thanks for replying, she wants to work primarily with food but nothing to do with cleaning. I appreciate the insights but unfortunately, we’re also not from the US. We’re based in Singapore and we’ve also tried reaching out to special needs organisations but the one here sucks…. I appreciate all the advice nonetheless, Adding on to the ChatGPT thing. Grammarly has one that sounds way more fluid, especially since pretty much anything written by autistic adults can get flagged as being AI., It sounds like they’re in Singapore — maybe an equivalent agency there?, Ah, I do wish you luck then. If primarily the interest is with food, might expanding the search to include groceries stores/markets/or nearby farms be helpful?, Thank you, we’re currently also looking into food packaging jobs that require minimal cleaning so fingers crossed I guess, So this can be wide ranging due to the wide range of interests and skills someone on the spectrum might have. May I ask, what is it about the fast food industry that attracts your sister to a position in the fast food industry? Also might it be beneficial to expand the search? For example I knew a young man who wanted to work in a store but what he liked about it was being on his feet and not tied down to a cubicle, he now works at the school cafeteria and loves it. Has anyone told you about an ABLE account? It can help a person with a disability save and not have to keep less than 2000 cash on hand without affecting SSI cash benefits. Have you been able to connect with any vocational rehabilitation programs in your state? Most have programs designed to aid an individual locate meaningful employment., You sound like an amazing brother. I highly recommend seeking therapy for you to help you navigate this. You deserve to be happy., It is incredibly hard for anyone to find a job right now, let alone a good paying job. The job market sucks. People with autism are more likely to be unemployed. Nowadays job seekers have got to tailor a resume to match keywords in the job description. That’s the only way to get past the AI screening process. Some people use ChatGPT to do this., My brother is on the spectrum (self diagnosed) and is incredibly picky about what jobs he is willing to do. He’s smart and perfectly capable, just picky. At some point my parents had to let him make decisions for himself and stop meddling. If he wanted to live in a studio apartment without roommates, he had to have a job to pay for it. He’s constantly switching jobs but he’s an adult and it’s his responsibility, Go to the DVR in your state. It’s literally all they do. ❤️ she will be okay. And you will be okay friend., Thanks for replying, she wants to work primarily with food but nothing to do with cleaning. I appreciate the insights but unfortunately, we’re also not from the US. We’re based in Singapore and we’ve also tried reaching out to special needs organisations but the one here sucks…. I appreciate all the advice nonetheless, Adding on to the ChatGPT thing. Grammarly has one that sounds way more fluid, especially since pretty much anything written by autistic adults can get flagged as being AI., It sounds like they’re in Singapore — maybe an equivalent agency there?, Ah, I do wish you luck then. If primarily the interest is with food, might expanding the search to include groceries stores/markets/or nearby farms be helpful?, Thank you, we’re currently also looking into food packaging jobs that require minimal cleaning so fingers crossed I guess, So this can be wide ranging due to the wide range of interests and skills someone on the spectrum might have. May I ask, what is it about the fast food industry that attracts your sister to a position in the fast food industry? Also might it be beneficial to expand the search? For example I knew a young man who wanted to work in a store but what he liked about it was being on his feet and not tied down to a cubicle, he now works at the school cafeteria and loves it. Has anyone told you about an ABLE account? It can help a person with a disability save and not have to keep less than 2000 cash on hand without affecting SSI cash benefits. Have you been able to connect with any vocational rehabilitation programs in your state? Most have programs designed to aid an individual locate meaningful employment., You sound like an amazing brother. I highly recommend seeking therapy for you to help you navigate this. You deserve to be happy., It is incredibly hard for anyone to find a job right now, let alone a good paying job. The job market sucks. People with autism are more likely to be unemployed. Nowadays job seekers have got to tailor a resume to match keywords in the job description. That’s the only way to get past the AI screening process. Some people use ChatGPT to do this., My brother is on the spectrum (self diagnosed) and is incredibly picky about what jobs he is willing to do. He’s smart and perfectly capable, just picky. At some point my parents had to let him make decisions for himself and stop meddling. If he wanted to live in a studio apartment without roommates, he had to have a job to pay for it. He’s constantly switching jobs but he’s an adult and it’s his responsibility, Go to the DVR in your state. It’s literally all they do. ❤️ she will be okay. And you will be okay friend., Thanks for replying, she wants to work primarily with food but nothing to do with cleaning. I appreciate the insights but unfortunately, we’re also not from the US. We’re based in Singapore and we’ve also tried reaching out to special needs organisations but the one here sucks…. I appreciate all the advice nonetheless, Adding on to the ChatGPT thing. Grammarly has one that sounds way more fluid, especially since pretty much anything written by autistic adults can get flagged as being AI., It sounds like they’re in Singapore — maybe an equivalent agency there?, Ah, I do wish you luck then. If primarily the interest is with food, might expanding the search to include groceries stores/markets/or nearby farms be helpful?, Thank you, we’re currently also looking into food packaging jobs that require minimal cleaning so fingers crossed I guess, So this can be wide ranging due to the wide range of interests and skills someone on the spectrum might have. May I ask, what is it about the fast food industry that attracts your sister to a position in the fast food industry? Also might it be beneficial to expand the search? For example I knew a young man who wanted to work in a store but what he liked about it was being on his feet and not tied down to a cubicle, he now works at the school cafeteria and loves it. Has anyone told you about an ABLE account? It can help a person with a disability save and not have to keep less than 2000 cash on hand without affecting SSI cash benefits. Have you been able to connect with any vocational rehabilitation programs in your state? Most have programs designed to aid an individual locate meaningful employment., You sound like an amazing brother. I highly recommend seeking therapy for you to help you navigate this. You deserve to be happy., It is incredibly hard for anyone to find a job right now, let alone a good paying job. The job market sucks. People with autism are more likely to be unemployed. Nowadays job seekers have got to tailor a resume to match keywords in the job description. That’s the only way to get past the AI screening process. Some people use ChatGPT to do this., My brother is on the spectrum (self diagnosed) and is incredibly picky about what jobs he is willing to do. He’s smart and perfectly capable, just picky. At some point my parents had to let him make decisions for himself and stop meddling. If he wanted to live in a studio apartment without roommates, he had to have a job to pay for it. He’s constantly switching jobs but he’s an adult and it’s his responsibility, Go to the DVR in your state. It’s literally all they do. ❤️ she will be okay. And you will be okay friend., Thanks for replying, she wants to work primarily with food but nothing to do with cleaning. I appreciate the insights but unfortunately, we’re also not from the US. We’re based in Singapore and we’ve also tried reaching out to special needs organisations but the one here sucks…. I appreciate all the advice nonetheless, Adding on to the ChatGPT thing. Grammarly has one that sounds way more fluid, especially since pretty much anything written by autistic adults can get flagged as being AI., It sounds like they’re in Singapore — maybe an equivalent agency there?, Ah, I do wish you luck then. If primarily the interest is with food, might expanding the search to include groceries stores/markets/or nearby farms be helpful?, Thank you, we’re currently also looking into food packaging jobs that require minimal cleaning so fingers crossed I guess

How important is a medical diagnosis?

My son was just given an educational diagnosis for autism. He is very high functioning (not sure what level.) I'm curious, how important is it to get a medical diagnosis as well? (We will, of course, fill his pediatrician in on the educational diagnosis.)Thanks, all! Edit: Please note that I am not at all against a medical diagnosis whatsoever. I wasn't sure if he would need further therapy or the benefits of a medical diagnosis. I see that now. We just happened to start with the school district and this is very new for us (we just found out a few weeks ago.) I'm trying to learn all I can, so please be patient with me.

An educational diagnosis of autism only exists in the school. A medical diagnosis exists everywhere else. I don’t know how old your child is, but how he’s impacted by autism can change especially when in situations that are more complex. That’s why some kids aren’t detected until later. If you want resources from insurance companies, therapists, healthcare, disability, vocational services— basically any place else besides school— also seek a medical diagnosis., Take it from someone who was not informed and whose kid got the medical diagnosis 7 years after the educational diagnosis. You want both., I'm 34 and got a medical diagnosis in my 30s because I can get work accomodations with it. Cannot get those with an educational diagnosis. Remember, autism lasts for life., I would suggest getting the medical diagnosis too. It will be helpful in creating a strong case if he needs help when he gets to higher education. College and professional exams can provide accommodations but they do ask for substantial documentation., He can get Medicaid with a waiver regardless of your income. Then you can get IHSS services where you might be able to get paid for his care (you as provider or a caregiver). You get 200$ each month for his group activity like swim class. Then you get respite care, My son has received two medical autism diagnoses, one at age 5 and the other at 11. Both were 20-25 page documents with extremely detailed analysis from a pediatric neuropsychologist. It is very insightful reading and contains a lot of practical recommendations. The second one added on a diagnosis of OCD in addition to autism. Since the school is focusing on educational needs, they could very easily be missing a holistic look at your child's condition and needs. Finally, keep in mind that your child's school is not a neutral observer: their evaluation is written with an **inherent bias.** They are under-resourced and have a strong incentive to downplay your child's educational support needs., Per our health insurance, if we have a medical diagnosis submitted to insurance, we can get extra therapy and more resources available and covered by insurance., You 100% want both. Your son now can be totally different in 10-15 years from now. Medical diagnosis can help him as teen or adult. It boosts a lot with insurance companies and what they will cover., If you are in the USA and pulling ST/OT services for your kid, a medical diagnosis for insurance purposes is a good thing. Otherwise, as long as you're upfront about what his condition entails, I don't see a reason to get one., We’re in the same position. We do have a medical diagnosis of ADHD so she is able to get help through that when needed but I’m wondering if the medical diagnosis will cover more? Like she is in OT outside of school to help with emotional regulation and if it’s coded for autism instead of ADHD will it be covered better? We’re going to call our insurance company and talk it over. , If you ever decide you want to seek outside service from the school district you will need medical diagnosis in order for the insurance to cover the additional services or approve the services. The school diagnosis is only good for the school district. You always definitely want to have both because you never know when you might need it, We got a medical and educational diagnosis. The medical helps with insurance as most people say. I have two daughters diagnosed. We go through a center that covers lots of social activities. We get 4 a year. Also lots of support from the center. My daughter was caught until she was 4 but she’s regressed a lot., When you get an official diagnosis you get access to a lot of resources that you can use to help your child succeed. With a diagnosis you can have insurance cover some of those things (SLP, PT, OT, therapeutic equipment) and in some states you might be able to get Medicaid., If you want your kid to have SSI (if you're in the US), a medical diagnosis is important. I didn't find it important for my kid when he was young until his school started pushing for it last year. They said it would give him more services for them so they can help him further. You can also get SSI for your kid if they have a medical diagnosis. If you need more services for your kid you want your state or insurance to cover, a medical diagnosis is a must., I don’t have a ton to add, but I think a medical diagnosis is helpful. My son is also 8 and high functioning and has gotten free support through OT covered by state insurance for the sensory seeking behavior, which we had sought assistance for preceding the autistic diagnosis. He doesn’t have a IEP at school yet, as he has been doing fine, but it is good to know the resources are available and my understating is it is easier to access with a medical diagnosis., Medical diagnosis helped my son get services outside of school (OT & speech). Educational diagnosis allowed him to get these same services for free in-school, as well as an IEP plan developed with accommodations for him during school hours. Hope this helps! Even if you think he doesn't need outside services, a medical diagnosis can only help!, I think it’s pretty important if you wanna get services and you have insurance One Insurance to pay for the services, He's 8.5 and just got the educational diagnosis a few weeks ago. As far as I can tell, I don't think he "needs" other services, but this is good to know for future., Ok. Thank you! I will reach out to our pediatrician., Yes, absolutely. I didn't even know there were workplace accommodations for autism. Thank you for enlightening me. I appreciate it., Oh, great idea! I hadn't thought of this., Does it matter if he's super high functioning?, Also, how can I find out more about these programs? I am in California., Thank you for explaining this! I appreciate it., Thank you!, Ok, thank you!, I don't really envision him needing therapies. We went the school route because that's where 95% of his struggles are., Oh good call! I'll contact our insurance., Thank you!, That's great to know! We are in California (if that makes a difference.), I am in the US. What can SSI provide? Thank you!, My son's IEP is purely for social/emotional. Thank you for the insights!, Depending on what state you live in those “services” can often mean things like karate lessons or theater and music classes etc. etc. Even if your kid ultimately doesn’t need OT or ABA etc. a medical diagnosis could open the door to lots of additional stuff he could benefit from. My daughter loves theater and is in an ongoing theater program that is paid for by the state., Of course there are! Autism is a disability. Everyone has different needs. From permission to wear noise cancelling headphones or needing to work at home, there are tons of accomodations for an autistic individual., I don’t know about ihss but for respite they did a questionnaire for me and based on that questionnaire we got hours given to us., You won’t be able to get IHSS if he’s high functioning but you can get respite hours from the Regional Center. As others have stated, Regional Center will also pay for various activities. Getting a medical diagnosis is important for the future. While your son is doing great right now, that may not always be the case. Puberty, the stresses of high school, and the drastic changes that come with adulthood could each prove to be uniquely challenging. You may find yourself needing support that will be much quicker and easier to get if you already have a diagnosis. Getting these services gets much harder, if not near impossible, if you aren’t diagnosed young. Best case scenario is you pursue the diagnosis and never have to utilize anything. Worst case is that an issue arises and you’re stuck waiting for referrals and appointments, unable to address the concern or receive the support your son needs., I know about the $200 and Medicaid waiver via early intervention coordinator (I still have one after he age out at 3 yr old due to his autism dx from school- still waiting for medical). https://www.cdss.ca.gov/in-home-supportive-services this is website for IHSS. My case manager from early intervention told me about these services. There is IHSS subreddit that talk about autism too., I don’t know of any downside to a medical diagnosis (besides medical professionals being ableist, but that needs to be fixed by THEM) — and it’s hard to know now how your kid’s needs may change., Not sure why I am being downvoted for this. I already mentioned that I would be speaking to his pediatrician. I was just curious what the benefits were for a medical diagnosis (as they seem to be difficult to get around here.) If it might help him in the future, I will absolutely do it. Please remember that some of us are new to this and learning., Thank you for posting this it’s been very helpful for me to read the responses as well! , Just social security income., I'm in California. Are they special programs or just anything (like through the city?) Thank you!, Thank you!, Absolutely. I am going to see what the pediatrician suggests., Many folks in this group have found that their pediatricians were not extremely knowledgable about autism (or even things like speech delays etc) and take a "wait and see" approach that they later realize wasn't good for their child and they wish they'd pushed harder for referrals and services earlier. &#x200B; \--- One thing I will say about the medical diagnosis process is that it can take a \*long\* time. Wait lists for evals and therapies can be very very long depending on where you live. I've read that many many autistic people can have at least a period of a more challenging time as puberty sets in - at the very least, social demands increase and change a lot at school and it can be difficult to navigate and therapies can often be helpful, and will be covered by insurance much more if there is a medical diagnosis in place. Since your child is already 8, you may want to go ahead and advocate for getting this process started in case you think you may want to get on (yet more) waitlists for services to potentially help your child., You are so welcome! It's good to know., Got it. Thanks!, We’re also in California. Our daughter was diagnosed through our local regional center and they help coordinate and pay for all the services. The theater program isn’t specific for autistic kids or anything, it’s just a general program and the regional center pays for it. We don’t even see a bill., Get a medical diagnosis and then contact your local regional center. There’s a ton of resources there., Yes. All the programs stated above and more. These are administered through the county., Thank you for the insights! I've actually already been in contact with the pediatrician and said he would give us a referral. I'm doing some research right now about where to do that., That's so great! And the fact that your daughter gets so much joy for theatre is awesome!, I'm glad that your doctor is supportive!, An educational diagnosis of autism only exists in the school. A medical diagnosis exists everywhere else. I don’t know how old your child is, but how he’s impacted by autism can change especially when in situations that are more complex. That’s why some kids aren’t detected until later. If you want resources from insurance companies, therapists, healthcare, disability, vocational services— basically any place else besides school— also seek a medical diagnosis., Take it from someone who was not informed and whose kid got the medical diagnosis 7 years after the educational diagnosis. You want both., I'm 34 and got a medical diagnosis in my 30s because I can get work accomodations with it. Cannot get those with an educational diagnosis. Remember, autism lasts for life., I would suggest getting the medical diagnosis too. It will be helpful in creating a strong case if he needs help when he gets to higher education. College and professional exams can provide accommodations but they do ask for substantial documentation., He can get Medicaid with a waiver regardless of your income. Then you can get IHSS services where you might be able to get paid for his care (you as provider or a caregiver). You get 200$ each month for his group activity like swim class. Then you get respite care, My son has received two medical autism diagnoses, one at age 5 and the other at 11. Both were 20-25 page documents with extremely detailed analysis from a pediatric neuropsychologist. It is very insightful reading and contains a lot of practical recommendations. The second one added on a diagnosis of OCD in addition to autism. Since the school is focusing on educational needs, they could very easily be missing a holistic look at your child's condition and needs. Finally, keep in mind that your child's school is not a neutral observer: their evaluation is written with an **inherent bias.** They are under-resourced and have a strong incentive to downplay your child's educational support needs., Per our health insurance, if we have a medical diagnosis submitted to insurance, we can get extra therapy and more resources available and covered by insurance., You 100% want both. Your son now can be totally different in 10-15 years from now. Medical diagnosis can help him as teen or adult. It boosts a lot with insurance companies and what they will cover., If you are in the USA and pulling ST/OT services for your kid, a medical diagnosis for insurance purposes is a good thing. Otherwise, as long as you're upfront about what his condition entails, I don't see a reason to get one., We’re in the same position. We do have a medical diagnosis of ADHD so she is able to get help through that when needed but I’m wondering if the medical diagnosis will cover more? Like she is in OT outside of school to help with emotional regulation and if it’s coded for autism instead of ADHD will it be covered better? We’re going to call our insurance company and talk it over. , If you ever decide you want to seek outside service from the school district you will need medical diagnosis in order for the insurance to cover the additional services or approve the services. The school diagnosis is only good for the school district. You always definitely want to have both because you never know when you might need it, We got a medical and educational diagnosis. The medical helps with insurance as most people say. I have two daughters diagnosed. We go through a center that covers lots of social activities. We get 4 a year. Also lots of support from the center. My daughter was caught until she was 4 but she’s regressed a lot., When you get an official diagnosis you get access to a lot of resources that you can use to help your child succeed. With a diagnosis you can have insurance cover some of those things (SLP, PT, OT, therapeutic equipment) and in some states you might be able to get Medicaid., If you want your kid to have SSI (if you're in the US), a medical diagnosis is important. I didn't find it important for my kid when he was young until his school started pushing for it last year. They said it would give him more services for them so they can help him further. You can also get SSI for your kid if they have a medical diagnosis. If you need more services for your kid you want your state or insurance to cover, a medical diagnosis is a must., I don’t have a ton to add, but I think a medical diagnosis is helpful. My son is also 8 and high functioning and has gotten free support through OT covered by state insurance for the sensory seeking behavior, which we had sought assistance for preceding the autistic diagnosis. He doesn’t have a IEP at school yet, as he has been doing fine, but it is good to know the resources are available and my understating is it is easier to access with a medical diagnosis., Medical diagnosis helped my son get services outside of school (OT & speech). Educational diagnosis allowed him to get these same services for free in-school, as well as an IEP plan developed with accommodations for him during school hours. Hope this helps! Even if you think he doesn't need outside services, a medical diagnosis can only help!, I think it’s pretty important if you wanna get services and you have insurance One Insurance to pay for the services, He's 8.5 and just got the educational diagnosis a few weeks ago. As far as I can tell, I don't think he "needs" other services, but this is good to know for future., Ok. Thank you! I will reach out to our pediatrician., Yes, absolutely. I didn't even know there were workplace accommodations for autism. Thank you for enlightening me. I appreciate it., Oh, great idea! I hadn't thought of this., Does it matter if he's super high functioning?, Also, how can I find out more about these programs? I am in California., Thank you for explaining this! I appreciate it., Thank you!, Ok, thank you!, I don't really envision him needing therapies. We went the school route because that's where 95% of his struggles are., Oh good call! I'll contact our insurance., Thank you!, That's great to know! We are in California (if that makes a difference.), I am in the US. What can SSI provide? Thank you!, My son's IEP is purely for social/emotional. Thank you for the insights!, Depending on what state you live in those “services” can often mean things like karate lessons or theater and music classes etc. etc. Even if your kid ultimately doesn’t need OT or ABA etc. a medical diagnosis could open the door to lots of additional stuff he could benefit from. My daughter loves theater and is in an ongoing theater program that is paid for by the state., Of course there are! Autism is a disability. Everyone has different needs. From permission to wear noise cancelling headphones or needing to work at home, there are tons of accomodations for an autistic individual., I don’t know about ihss but for respite they did a questionnaire for me and based on that questionnaire we got hours given to us., You won’t be able to get IHSS if he’s high functioning but you can get respite hours from the Regional Center. As others have stated, Regional Center will also pay for various activities. Getting a medical diagnosis is important for the future. While your son is doing great right now, that may not always be the case. Puberty, the stresses of high school, and the drastic changes that come with adulthood could each prove to be uniquely challenging. You may find yourself needing support that will be much quicker and easier to get if you already have a diagnosis. Getting these services gets much harder, if not near impossible, if you aren’t diagnosed young. Best case scenario is you pursue the diagnosis and never have to utilize anything. Worst case is that an issue arises and you’re stuck waiting for referrals and appointments, unable to address the concern or receive the support your son needs., I know about the $200 and Medicaid waiver via early intervention coordinator (I still have one after he age out at 3 yr old due to his autism dx from school- still waiting for medical). https://www.cdss.ca.gov/in-home-supportive-services this is website for IHSS. My case manager from early intervention told me about these services. There is IHSS subreddit that talk about autism too., I don’t know of any downside to a medical diagnosis (besides medical professionals being ableist, but that needs to be fixed by THEM) — and it’s hard to know now how your kid’s needs may change., Not sure why I am being downvoted for this. I already mentioned that I would be speaking to his pediatrician. I was just curious what the benefits were for a medical diagnosis (as they seem to be difficult to get around here.) If it might help him in the future, I will absolutely do it. Please remember that some of us are new to this and learning., Thank you for posting this it’s been very helpful for me to read the responses as well! , Just social security income., I'm in California. Are they special programs or just anything (like through the city?) Thank you!, Thank you!, Absolutely. I am going to see what the pediatrician suggests., Many folks in this group have found that their pediatricians were not extremely knowledgable about autism (or even things like speech delays etc) and take a "wait and see" approach that they later realize wasn't good for their child and they wish they'd pushed harder for referrals and services earlier. &#x200B; \--- One thing I will say about the medical diagnosis process is that it can take a \*long\* time. Wait lists for evals and therapies can be very very long depending on where you live. I've read that many many autistic people can have at least a period of a more challenging time as puberty sets in - at the very least, social demands increase and change a lot at school and it can be difficult to navigate and therapies can often be helpful, and will be covered by insurance much more if there is a medical diagnosis in place. Since your child is already 8, you may want to go ahead and advocate for getting this process started in case you think you may want to get on (yet more) waitlists for services to potentially help your child., You are so welcome! It's good to know., Got it. Thanks!, We’re also in California. Our daughter was diagnosed through our local regional center and they help coordinate and pay for all the services. The theater program isn’t specific for autistic kids or anything, it’s just a general program and the regional center pays for it. We don’t even see a bill., Get a medical diagnosis and then contact your local regional center. There’s a ton of resources there., Yes. All the programs stated above and more. These are administered through the county., Thank you for the insights! I've actually already been in contact with the pediatrician and said he would give us a referral. I'm doing some research right now about where to do that., That's so great! And the fact that your daughter gets so much joy for theatre is awesome!, I'm glad that your doctor is supportive!, An educational diagnosis of autism only exists in the school. A medical diagnosis exists everywhere else. I don’t know how old your child is, but how he’s impacted by autism can change especially when in situations that are more complex. That’s why some kids aren’t detected until later. If you want resources from insurance companies, therapists, healthcare, disability, vocational services— basically any place else besides school— also seek a medical diagnosis., Take it from someone who was not informed and whose kid got the medical diagnosis 7 years after the educational diagnosis. You want both., I'm 34 and got a medical diagnosis in my 30s because I can get work accomodations with it. Cannot get those with an educational diagnosis. Remember, autism lasts for life., I would suggest getting the medical diagnosis too. It will be helpful in creating a strong case if he needs help when he gets to higher education. College and professional exams can provide accommodations but they do ask for substantial documentation., He can get Medicaid with a waiver regardless of your income. Then you can get IHSS services where you might be able to get paid for his care (you as provider or a caregiver). You get 200$ each month for his group activity like swim class. Then you get respite care, My son has received two medical autism diagnoses, one at age 5 and the other at 11. Both were 20-25 page documents with extremely detailed analysis from a pediatric neuropsychologist. It is very insightful reading and contains a lot of practical recommendations. The second one added on a diagnosis of OCD in addition to autism. Since the school is focusing on educational needs, they could very easily be missing a holistic look at your child's condition and needs. Finally, keep in mind that your child's school is not a neutral observer: their evaluation is written with an **inherent bias.** They are under-resourced and have a strong incentive to downplay your child's educational support needs., Per our health insurance, if we have a medical diagnosis submitted to insurance, we can get extra therapy and more resources available and covered by insurance., You 100% want both. Your son now can be totally different in 10-15 years from now. Medical diagnosis can help him as teen or adult. It boosts a lot with insurance companies and what they will cover., If you are in the USA and pulling ST/OT services for your kid, a medical diagnosis for insurance purposes is a good thing. Otherwise, as long as you're upfront about what his condition entails, I don't see a reason to get one., We’re in the same position. We do have a medical diagnosis of ADHD so she is able to get help through that when needed but I’m wondering if the medical diagnosis will cover more? Like she is in OT outside of school to help with emotional regulation and if it’s coded for autism instead of ADHD will it be covered better? We’re going to call our insurance company and talk it over. , If you ever decide you want to seek outside service from the school district you will need medical diagnosis in order for the insurance to cover the additional services or approve the services. The school diagnosis is only good for the school district. You always definitely want to have both because you never know when you might need it, We got a medical and educational diagnosis. The medical helps with insurance as most people say. I have two daughters diagnosed. We go through a center that covers lots of social activities. We get 4 a year. Also lots of support from the center. My daughter was caught until she was 4 but she’s regressed a lot., When you get an official diagnosis you get access to a lot of resources that you can use to help your child succeed. With a diagnosis you can have insurance cover some of those things (SLP, PT, OT, therapeutic equipment) and in some states you might be able to get Medicaid., If you want your kid to have SSI (if you're in the US), a medical diagnosis is important. I didn't find it important for my kid when he was young until his school started pushing for it last year. They said it would give him more services for them so they can help him further. You can also get SSI for your kid if they have a medical diagnosis. If you need more services for your kid you want your state or insurance to cover, a medical diagnosis is a must., I don’t have a ton to add, but I think a medical diagnosis is helpful. My son is also 8 and high functioning and has gotten free support through OT covered by state insurance for the sensory seeking behavior, which we had sought assistance for preceding the autistic diagnosis. He doesn’t have a IEP at school yet, as he has been doing fine, but it is good to know the resources are available and my understating is it is easier to access with a medical diagnosis., Medical diagnosis helped my son get services outside of school (OT & speech). Educational diagnosis allowed him to get these same services for free in-school, as well as an IEP plan developed with accommodations for him during school hours. Hope this helps! Even if you think he doesn't need outside services, a medical diagnosis can only help!, I think it’s pretty important if you wanna get services and you have insurance One Insurance to pay for the services, He's 8.5 and just got the educational diagnosis a few weeks ago. As far as I can tell, I don't think he "needs" other services, but this is good to know for future., Ok. Thank you! I will reach out to our pediatrician., Yes, absolutely. I didn't even know there were workplace accommodations for autism. Thank you for enlightening me. I appreciate it., Oh, great idea! I hadn't thought of this., Does it matter if he's super high functioning?, Also, how can I find out more about these programs? I am in California., Thank you for explaining this! I appreciate it., Thank you!, Ok, thank you!, I don't really envision him needing therapies. We went the school route because that's where 95% of his struggles are., Oh good call! I'll contact our insurance., Thank you!, That's great to know! We are in California (if that makes a difference.), I am in the US. What can SSI provide? Thank you!, My son's IEP is purely for social/emotional. Thank you for the insights!, Depending on what state you live in those “services” can often mean things like karate lessons or theater and music classes etc. etc. Even if your kid ultimately doesn’t need OT or ABA etc. a medical diagnosis could open the door to lots of additional stuff he could benefit from. My daughter loves theater and is in an ongoing theater program that is paid for by the state., Of course there are! Autism is a disability. Everyone has different needs. From permission to wear noise cancelling headphones or needing to work at home, there are tons of accomodations for an autistic individual., I don’t know about ihss but for respite they did a questionnaire for me and based on that questionnaire we got hours given to us., You won’t be able to get IHSS if he’s high functioning but you can get respite hours from the Regional Center. As others have stated, Regional Center will also pay for various activities. Getting a medical diagnosis is important for the future. While your son is doing great right now, that may not always be the case. Puberty, the stresses of high school, and the drastic changes that come with adulthood could each prove to be uniquely challenging. You may find yourself needing support that will be much quicker and easier to get if you already have a diagnosis. Getting these services gets much harder, if not near impossible, if you aren’t diagnosed young. Best case scenario is you pursue the diagnosis and never have to utilize anything. Worst case is that an issue arises and you’re stuck waiting for referrals and appointments, unable to address the concern or receive the support your son needs., I know about the $200 and Medicaid waiver via early intervention coordinator (I still have one after he age out at 3 yr old due to his autism dx from school- still waiting for medical). https://www.cdss.ca.gov/in-home-supportive-services this is website for IHSS. My case manager from early intervention told me about these services. There is IHSS subreddit that talk about autism too., I don’t know of any downside to a medical diagnosis (besides medical professionals being ableist, but that needs to be fixed by THEM) — and it’s hard to know now how your kid’s needs may change., Not sure why I am being downvoted for this. I already mentioned that I would be speaking to his pediatrician. I was just curious what the benefits were for a medical diagnosis (as they seem to be difficult to get around here.) If it might help him in the future, I will absolutely do it. Please remember that some of us are new to this and learning., Thank you for posting this it’s been very helpful for me to read the responses as well! , Just social security income., I'm in California. Are they special programs or just anything (like through the city?) Thank you!, Thank you!, Absolutely. I am going to see what the pediatrician suggests., Many folks in this group have found that their pediatricians were not extremely knowledgable about autism (or even things like speech delays etc) and take a "wait and see" approach that they later realize wasn't good for their child and they wish they'd pushed harder for referrals and services earlier. &#x200B; \--- One thing I will say about the medical diagnosis process is that it can take a \*long\* time. Wait lists for evals and therapies can be very very long depending on where you live. I've read that many many autistic people can have at least a period of a more challenging time as puberty sets in - at the very least, social demands increase and change a lot at school and it can be difficult to navigate and therapies can often be helpful, and will be covered by insurance much more if there is a medical diagnosis in place. Since your child is already 8, you may want to go ahead and advocate for getting this process started in case you think you may want to get on (yet more) waitlists for services to potentially help your child., You are so welcome! It's good to know., Got it. Thanks!, We’re also in California. Our daughter was diagnosed through our local regional center and they help coordinate and pay for all the services. The theater program isn’t specific for autistic kids or anything, it’s just a general program and the regional center pays for it. We don’t even see a bill., Get a medical diagnosis and then contact your local regional center. There’s a ton of resources there., Yes. All the programs stated above and more. These are administered through the county., Thank you for the insights! I've actually already been in contact with the pediatrician and said he would give us a referral. I'm doing some research right now about where to do that., That's so great! And the fact that your daughter gets so much joy for theatre is awesome!, I'm glad that your doctor is supportive!, An educational diagnosis of autism only exists in the school. A medical diagnosis exists everywhere else. I don’t know how old your child is, but how he’s impacted by autism can change especially when in situations that are more complex. That’s why some kids aren’t detected until later. If you want resources from insurance companies, therapists, healthcare, disability, vocational services— basically any place else besides school— also seek a medical diagnosis., Take it from someone who was not informed and whose kid got the medical diagnosis 7 years after the educational diagnosis. You want both., I'm 34 and got a medical diagnosis in my 30s because I can get work accomodations with it. Cannot get those with an educational diagnosis. Remember, autism lasts for life., I would suggest getting the medical diagnosis too. It will be helpful in creating a strong case if he needs help when he gets to higher education. College and professional exams can provide accommodations but they do ask for substantial documentation., He can get Medicaid with a waiver regardless of your income. Then you can get IHSS services where you might be able to get paid for his care (you as provider or a caregiver). You get 200$ each month for his group activity like swim class. Then you get respite care, My son has received two medical autism diagnoses, one at age 5 and the other at 11. Both were 20-25 page documents with extremely detailed analysis from a pediatric neuropsychologist. It is very insightful reading and contains a lot of practical recommendations. The second one added on a diagnosis of OCD in addition to autism. Since the school is focusing on educational needs, they could very easily be missing a holistic look at your child's condition and needs. Finally, keep in mind that your child's school is not a neutral observer: their evaluation is written with an **inherent bias.** They are under-resourced and have a strong incentive to downplay your child's educational support needs., Per our health insurance, if we have a medical diagnosis submitted to insurance, we can get extra therapy and more resources available and covered by insurance., You 100% want both. Your son now can be totally different in 10-15 years from now. Medical diagnosis can help him as teen or adult. It boosts a lot with insurance companies and what they will cover., If you are in the USA and pulling ST/OT services for your kid, a medical diagnosis for insurance purposes is a good thing. Otherwise, as long as you're upfront about what his condition entails, I don't see a reason to get one., We’re in the same position. We do have a medical diagnosis of ADHD so she is able to get help through that when needed but I’m wondering if the medical diagnosis will cover more? Like she is in OT outside of school to help with emotional regulation and if it’s coded for autism instead of ADHD will it be covered better? We’re going to call our insurance company and talk it over. , If you ever decide you want to seek outside service from the school district you will need medical diagnosis in order for the insurance to cover the additional services or approve the services. The school diagnosis is only good for the school district. You always definitely want to have both because you never know when you might need it, We got a medical and educational diagnosis. The medical helps with insurance as most people say. I have two daughters diagnosed. We go through a center that covers lots of social activities. We get 4 a year. Also lots of support from the center. My daughter was caught until she was 4 but she’s regressed a lot., When you get an official diagnosis you get access to a lot of resources that you can use to help your child succeed. With a diagnosis you can have insurance cover some of those things (SLP, PT, OT, therapeutic equipment) and in some states you might be able to get Medicaid., If you want your kid to have SSI (if you're in the US), a medical diagnosis is important. I didn't find it important for my kid when he was young until his school started pushing for it last year. They said it would give him more services for them so they can help him further. You can also get SSI for your kid if they have a medical diagnosis. If you need more services for your kid you want your state or insurance to cover, a medical diagnosis is a must., I don’t have a ton to add, but I think a medical diagnosis is helpful. My son is also 8 and high functioning and has gotten free support through OT covered by state insurance for the sensory seeking behavior, which we had sought assistance for preceding the autistic diagnosis. He doesn’t have a IEP at school yet, as he has been doing fine, but it is good to know the resources are available and my understating is it is easier to access with a medical diagnosis., Medical diagnosis helped my son get services outside of school (OT & speech). Educational diagnosis allowed him to get these same services for free in-school, as well as an IEP plan developed with accommodations for him during school hours. Hope this helps! Even if you think he doesn't need outside services, a medical diagnosis can only help!, I think it’s pretty important if you wanna get services and you have insurance One Insurance to pay for the services, He's 8.5 and just got the educational diagnosis a few weeks ago. As far as I can tell, I don't think he "needs" other services, but this is good to know for future., Ok. Thank you! I will reach out to our pediatrician., Yes, absolutely. I didn't even know there were workplace accommodations for autism. Thank you for enlightening me. I appreciate it., Oh, great idea! I hadn't thought of this., Does it matter if he's super high functioning?, Also, how can I find out more about these programs? I am in California., Thank you for explaining this! I appreciate it., Thank you!, Ok, thank you!, I don't really envision him needing therapies. We went the school route because that's where 95% of his struggles are., Oh good call! I'll contact our insurance., Thank you!, That's great to know! We are in California (if that makes a difference.), I am in the US. What can SSI provide? Thank you!, My son's IEP is purely for social/emotional. Thank you for the insights!, Depending on what state you live in those “services” can often mean things like karate lessons or theater and music classes etc. etc. Even if your kid ultimately doesn’t need OT or ABA etc. a medical diagnosis could open the door to lots of additional stuff he could benefit from. My daughter loves theater and is in an ongoing theater program that is paid for by the state., Of course there are! Autism is a disability. Everyone has different needs. From permission to wear noise cancelling headphones or needing to work at home, there are tons of accomodations for an autistic individual., I don’t know about ihss but for respite they did a questionnaire for me and based on that questionnaire we got hours given to us., You won’t be able to get IHSS if he’s high functioning but you can get respite hours from the Regional Center. As others have stated, Regional Center will also pay for various activities. Getting a medical diagnosis is important for the future. While your son is doing great right now, that may not always be the case. Puberty, the stresses of high school, and the drastic changes that come with adulthood could each prove to be uniquely challenging. You may find yourself needing support that will be much quicker and easier to get if you already have a diagnosis. Getting these services gets much harder, if not near impossible, if you aren’t diagnosed young. Best case scenario is you pursue the diagnosis and never have to utilize anything. Worst case is that an issue arises and you’re stuck waiting for referrals and appointments, unable to address the concern or receive the support your son needs., I know about the $200 and Medicaid waiver via early intervention coordinator (I still have one after he age out at 3 yr old due to his autism dx from school- still waiting for medical). https://www.cdss.ca.gov/in-home-supportive-services this is website for IHSS. My case manager from early intervention told me about these services. There is IHSS subreddit that talk about autism too., I don’t know of any downside to a medical diagnosis (besides medical professionals being ableist, but that needs to be fixed by THEM) — and it’s hard to know now how your kid’s needs may change., Not sure why I am being downvoted for this. I already mentioned that I would be speaking to his pediatrician. I was just curious what the benefits were for a medical diagnosis (as they seem to be difficult to get around here.) If it might help him in the future, I will absolutely do it. Please remember that some of us are new to this and learning., Thank you for posting this it’s been very helpful for me to read the responses as well! , Just social security income., I'm in California. Are they special programs or just anything (like through the city?) Thank you!, Thank you!, Absolutely. I am going to see what the pediatrician suggests., Many folks in this group have found that their pediatricians were not extremely knowledgable about autism (or even things like speech delays etc) and take a "wait and see" approach that they later realize wasn't good for their child and they wish they'd pushed harder for referrals and services earlier. &#x200B; \--- One thing I will say about the medical diagnosis process is that it can take a \*long\* time. Wait lists for evals and therapies can be very very long depending on where you live. I've read that many many autistic people can have at least a period of a more challenging time as puberty sets in - at the very least, social demands increase and change a lot at school and it can be difficult to navigate and therapies can often be helpful, and will be covered by insurance much more if there is a medical diagnosis in place. Since your child is already 8, you may want to go ahead and advocate for getting this process started in case you think you may want to get on (yet more) waitlists for services to potentially help your child., You are so welcome! It's good to know., Got it. Thanks!, We’re also in California. Our daughter was diagnosed through our local regional center and they help coordinate and pay for all the services. The theater program isn’t specific for autistic kids or anything, it’s just a general program and the regional center pays for it. We don’t even see a bill., Get a medical diagnosis and then contact your local regional center. There’s a ton of resources there., Yes. All the programs stated above and more. These are administered through the county., Thank you for the insights! I've actually already been in contact with the pediatrician and said he would give us a referral. I'm doing some research right now about where to do that., That's so great! And the fact that your daughter gets so much joy for theatre is awesome!, I'm glad that your doctor is supportive!

How important is a “good” developmental pediatrician?

My son is 18 months and is awaiting an evaluation for autism. At his latest checkup they administered the M-CHAT and he scored an 8. We’ve known of his developmental delays now since about 9 months when he was first flagged for a possible communication delay. He had an assessment done at 13 months where it was determined he was eligible for Early Intervention services. He now receives “infancy services” twice a week in our home. Last month we had an OT evaluation where they determined he was eligible for OT and were awaiting those services to begin. Our regular pediatrician also put in referrals for both ST and an autism assessment through a developmental pediatrician at our most recent appointment. The ST evaluation is scheduled for next month. All that background to say—we’re working to get him all the services we can for the time being. When it comes to the autism evaluation I have a couple options and I’m wondering what’s best. Option 1: Go with a provider who seems new to this role. She doesn’t have a bio and reviews say more about her being an urgent care pediatrician….and the reviews at that role aren’t good. The only pro would be getting in for his evaluation in 2 months (much faster than other options). Option 2: Wait and schedule with a provider who has over 15+ years in the role of DP and has numerous good reviews. I like his bio and his approach. The only con would be having to wait ~10 months to be seen by him. Bottom line—I do think my son has autism but I have some hesitation with having him diagnosed before he’s two. Some of this is my own fear of it being “official” which I’m working on with my therapist. So all this to say, is it more important to get a diagnosis quickly or to get one that you feel confident in?

I would wait for the one I feel confident in., Wait for the better doctor. You’re already in the process of getting all of the early intervention services to jump start your son’s development, which is the most pressing issue right now. You don’t need an autism Dx for that. And to be honest, my biggest fear with the inexperienced, mediocre physician is that she will dismiss the signs and give you a false negative. That WILL set his treatment back because the diagnosis opens up a HUGE number of services that become available a bit later down the road. E.g. coverage for ABA therapy, SSI/medicaid coverage, an easier path to special education services, the list goes on. Hope this helps., He’s still young I’d wait to give it more time to be definitive and to get your preferred choice., I would wait for the one I feel confident in., Wait for the better doctor. You’re already in the process of getting all of the early intervention services to jump start your son’s development, which is the most pressing issue right now. You don’t need an autism Dx for that. And to be honest, my biggest fear with the inexperienced, mediocre physician is that she will dismiss the signs and give you a false negative. That WILL set his treatment back because the diagnosis opens up a HUGE number of services that become available a bit later down the road. E.g. coverage for ABA therapy, SSI/medicaid coverage, an easier path to special education services, the list goes on. Hope this helps., He’s still young I’d wait to give it more time to be definitive and to get your preferred choice., I would wait for the one I feel confident in., Wait for the better doctor. You’re already in the process of getting all of the early intervention services to jump start your son’s development, which is the most pressing issue right now. You don’t need an autism Dx for that. And to be honest, my biggest fear with the inexperienced, mediocre physician is that she will dismiss the signs and give you a false negative. That WILL set his treatment back because the diagnosis opens up a HUGE number of services that become available a bit later down the road. E.g. coverage for ABA therapy, SSI/medicaid coverage, an easier path to special education services, the list goes on. Hope this helps., He’s still young I’d wait to give it more time to be definitive and to get your preferred choice., I would wait for the one I feel confident in., Wait for the better doctor. You’re already in the process of getting all of the early intervention services to jump start your son’s development, which is the most pressing issue right now. You don’t need an autism Dx for that. And to be honest, my biggest fear with the inexperienced, mediocre physician is that she will dismiss the signs and give you a false negative. That WILL set his treatment back because the diagnosis opens up a HUGE number of services that become available a bit later down the road. E.g. coverage for ABA therapy, SSI/medicaid coverage, an easier path to special education services, the list goes on. Hope this helps., He’s still young I’d wait to give it more time to be definitive and to get your preferred choice.

How much screen time do your kids average?

We are at probably 1.5-2 hours a day, which I’m not feeling great about. Looking for context. Thanks

I wish it were only 1.5 to 2 hours a day. That's what my 7.5 year old does on school days because that's the amount of time between when we get home and bedtime. On weekends, it's very likely 8 hours a day. At times, that is just background noise as she plays with other things, but much of it is her laying on the couch watching YouTube. I'm so burnt out that I've had to stop caring too much., Too much. A few hours a day. But he has very little interest in anything else. And it's not even that he begs for it. But he won't play with toys (hardly at all) and loses interest in any new toy or activity quickly. And without screen time it's almost exclusively "crawl on dad" time. I keep hoping for a special interest to take hold. And he's young. 3.75. So maybe eventually., Half an hour everyday, one hour on weekends unless he wants to watch a movie with us. No more or he would become too dependent on it., 5 hours of access on school days, 11 hours on off days. Doesn’t mean he’s using it the whole time, but he has access to it. Over the last almost decade we’ve realized we have better outcomes when he self regulates than if we try to intervene. If we limit screen time, the whole time he doesn’t have access he asks for it and melts down. When he has access, most days he doesn’t look at it for long stretches and never uses it for more than 30-40 minutes at a time before breaking to do something else without it., We used to limit it, but found it just led to more and more tantrums. Once we stopped worrying about it, he stopped worrying about it. Now he comes and goes through the day (when he’s home) and actually uses it a lot less when we were trying to be strict about access. This is hard enough without giving yourself an additional stress., We don't limit it at all. We have an Alexa which my gestalt language learner loves to watch YouTube videos on and learn new phrases/commands. Hearing "Alexa... what's the weather" continuously for an hour at a time is pretty annoying. But I really think this helps him and his learned scripts. He also likes to watch consumer reviews on washing machines and dishwashers. He's not hurting anything by playing with a tablet and is learning from it so I don't see the harm. I care much more about not exposing young kids to social media than I do screen time., We almost always have the TV on in the background (usually Netflix Kids to avoid ads) but whether anyone is actually watching it is a different question. This will likely change as warmer weather comes our way and the kids can get out more. We do set limits on my daughter's (10) tablet otherwise she will play her game (special interest) literally from the time she wakes up to the time she is sent to bed, so she gets 6 hours after school (and we might even limit that further here soon). Our son (4.5) is similarly on his tablet a lot, but most of what he plays/watches is educational. His tablet's battery is also not doing so great, so it's sometimes dead before 3 or 4 PM, lol. So if you're not feeling great about screen time, just remember there are some of us who are on it \*WAY\* more than your kiddos, lol. I \*wish\* we were at 1.5-2 hrs a day., We learned that by giving him free rein, he doesn’t glue himself to the iPad. He plays with other toys before coming back to it once in a while. I can’t tell you how long he actually spends on it, but he has access to it anytime he is home.,  Haha it’s just always on in the background, whether it’s kids stuff or my regular re-runs, like Scrubs or Friends or something. My NT kid actually watches a lot more than my ND. She can’t really be bothered with such things 😂, Zero hours because my son has no interest in it. I wish he did, mom could use a break hahaha, iPad is accessible all day between 7am-7pm. When we limited the time it was all consuming. When he’s allowed to use it for anytime to self regulate, he uses it way less intensely. He uses it to just play music while he jumps around or plays outside. If he has it only for an hour a day he’s all consumed by it and has a meltdown when we take it away. He’s happier all day long if he has access to iPad even if he doesn’t use it., 3 hours... If not more.... He eats 4 meals a day with feeding issues, so the prep time = TV. Then it's the only way I can clean him and dress him without holding him down screaming., Great post. Interesting to hear the honest responses. I feel like a a failure because my boy will watch planets/Bluey/random for 10 hours if we don't schedule outside activities. Getting him into therapy helped but I was laid off this week and needed to pull him out., My kid is a Gestalt Language Processor and screen time has been incredibly beneficial for her. She is able to communicate so much more and thrive since allowing her to watch Bluey most of the day (with some breaks). Her speech therapist has been blown away. It may be judged by others but I tune out the noise because I know what’s best for my child. Do what’s best for your kid and your family., TV…it’s kind of just on all day. But we recently took his iPad away. It was getting too bad. With his frustration and zoning out for hours and good lord the shit the YouTube algorithm came up with was disgusting. It was rough at first. That addiction is real. But after about a week he doesn’t even ask for it anymore. He’s a whole new kid. More engaged, playful, and generally happier. It’s not easy but 10/10 highly recommend dropping these iPads., We're probably the same, our son is 4. Just the telly in the living room, almost always with one of us watching with him. Some days he has like half a hour, especially as the weather is getting a bit nicer. But other days it can run up to a couple of hours. We don't usually do the telly after about 5pm ish, but sometimes we put a film on with pizza at the weekend if we've been out all day or something. Unless it's a "start the day at 2am" kinda day of course, then all bets are off!, My 15yo ASD daughter attends public school and has to use a Chromebook there. At home, she watches a TV show before bed on non-school nights, and that's about it. My 6yo ADHD daughter is homeschooled. She gets two episodes of TV in the morning (so about forty or fifty minutes, depending on which show it is) and on Wednesday night she gets a movie. We don't use screens for her school., Half hour at breakfast, younger gets another hour after oldest gets to school bus and before she gets to school. Then 2-3 hours in the evening. Irregular hours, meaning more than half the time we are doing something out of the house, extracurricular, or such., We haven’t put limits on it, but my ND son only uses it a little here and there; he’d rather indulge in his special interests. My NT son will use his tablet till the battery dies, so, he might get some limits here pretty soon., On school days, no screens until 6pm, then they can have screens until bedtime at 730. Weekends are a free for all, I would guess 4-6 hours probably. They are age 7 and 10, both ND, and we didn't have to start restricting until about a year/year and a half ago. Before that they were pretty good at self regulating, but it was starting to get excessive and interfering with other activities on week days, so we put the limit in place and it's worked great. Having a set start time is so much easier than a "2 hour" rule where I have to constantly monitor who has watched what for how long. They know not to ask before 6pm bc the answer is always no. Considering a weekend limit too, but our routines are really scattered on weekends so it would be difficult to set a start/stop time., This was just posted here 5 days ago if you want to take a peek https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism_Parenting/s/Z1Q0gjznRU, It varies from day to day tbh. But I do have some pretty firm rules set that seem to work fine for my little: 1. I don't give him his tablet first thing in the morning. He has to be up for at least 3 hours before he can have it. 2. No tablet at the table for meals. It helps him to focus on his food better and it's so nice having him interact with us and not be isolated. He is allowed one of his little cars though as it helps regulate him if he's a little overwhelmed. 3. If he wants to use the tablet at night before bed, he is only allowed to play little games or color on it. I found that if he watches any videos before bed, he tends to have a harder time falling asleep. So far, these rules work for him for the most part and I think the structure of it all really helps him. He's able to understand and doesnt get upset when it's time for the tablet to go away. I am open to the possibility of having to change certain things as he gets older but always with his best interest in mind. Edited to add: he's 4, so I know his behavior might change as he gets older. And also no one should feel ashamed. We are all trying our best as parents and each child is so different. The last thing we need is to be hard on ourselves ❤️, I aim for a maximum of 2 hours a day, but it has crept up to 3-5 over the winter, especially since my in-laws went out of the country for two months, and we had no babysitting to give us a break. We are working on getting it back down again. In our defense, though, he doesn't nap anymore, but needs a break in the middle of the day or else he becomes incredibly cranky. So, he has quiet time with his tablet for about 90 minutes on non-school days, and then he usually gets some TV in the evening when I am cooking and doing evening chores., Honestly? My son is 5. The TV is on all day. He chooses what to watch, as it gives him control of a situation (Control is a big factor for him). He plays with his toys, plays learning games on yis tablet, draws, and even helps me clean! All with the TV on. We do mute/pause videos during meltdowns, because it helps from overstimulation. He also does have the concept of right/wrong, and understands that the TV can and will be turned off as a form of punishment. So yeah. TV is on all the time. EDIT: My son is my only child, and I am fortunate to be a SAHP. If the TV was off, he will request my 100% attention all day, and it can be too much for me. TV gives me quiet time, and time for me to be productive around the home., It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It helps control his anxiety while socializing as well. It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It also helps control his anxiety while socializing.s interests with people he would normally struggle to talk with (I think the icebreaker reduces his anxiety). It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet, even if he isn't looking at it. He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc. He also uses videos to communicate/start conversations about his interests with people that he would normally struggle to talk with., So my autistic son gets a reward every time he has a great day at school. He gets to watch his favorite movie if he doesn’t have a great day at school, he doesn’t get to watch it and my other son who’s not autistic watches maybe I guess two hours a day, probably close to three if you count in the mornings before school honestly it helps as I have cleaning to do trying to get stuff done and it’s kind of like routine at this point so after school, he gets two hours while I get some stuff done and I let him know when the time is coming to a close like 15 minutes it’s no more TV time and that’s how I handle it is it too much I don’t know but it’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months, My child is on it the moment he comes home from school. But he has moments where he’s using it to try to repeat words and sentences (he’s non verbal and we’re working on getting him to be verbal) He also uses an ipad in school but specifically for learning to talk / make use of sentences during Speech Therapy. Once he gets home he uses it a lot but he also uses it and mimics whats going on in the videos and sometimes has it running in the background while he plays with his toys. I will admit it’s too much and I feel like it’s almost similar to brain rot but sometimes he’s also watching videos that soothe him, help him communicate or he just enjoys watching videos on repeat about trains and transportation and such. I do have a limit on a timer for his ipad during at night. At 9/10 it cuts off unless battery dies before then but some nights i’ll let it pass for another 15-20 minutes and other times he kind of just uses the ipad as white noise and pass out to it. I have noticed though he will definitely drop it for other things like going outside, bath time + such (thankfully)., All day tbh. But majority of the time it’s educational games or making music. On the off chance she is on YouTube listening to something that isn’t educational she’s simultaneously playing with toys, coloring or something else, so I try not to feel too terrible about it., My guy is almost 4. We actually found he does better in terms of regulating when he has some screen time so we watch Bluey every morning with breakfast and we watch more Bluey (lol) after nap time. It seems to help him transition into waking up with a good attitude. We sometimes watch sports after dinner because we all love it and he hardly pays attention to that but likes the noise in the background., We do 2 hours a day on tablet/video games. My MIL who lives with us constantly has the TV on though., The tv is always on. I’m not even gonna pretend lol. But I will say my kids are pretty good about doing other activities on their own instead of me turning the tv off or setting time limits. My son doesn’t even choose to play on his tablet. He looks at his books or plays with his fidget toys mainly., Who cares? Don’t feel bad about it., Way too much honestly, but we break it up so I really don’t know. Mine likes to play with background noise so something is always on no matter what., ASD son is 5 years old. We don't restrict, but we also average 1.5 hours of outdoor play a day. His younger brother gets on his nerves playing with toys because whatever older brother has, he wants. So he likes to play on the tablet because little brother doesn't understand how to play those games yet., Background noise but she travels through the house and plays in her room, watch 10 min , rinse and repeat. I am very happy we are iPad free right now. Her scripting goes off the richter with that thing and hard to find good apps that’s not loaded with apps and not a monthly subscription., Like an hour and a half a day, he’s 3. I think that’s a healthy amount!, Much love to you we are all doing our best, About the same here on the weekends, been trying to just give him what he wants in context to going to the park, playing outside, or going to the indoor gym. It’s easier just to let him do his own thing with supervision than to say no to everything and just have him watch tv all day. Granted it’s probably “easier” on my side because we don’t have other children and we still have long difficult days., How olds your kid? I would say my son is the same amount but I don’t limit it because it helps him get new scripts to memorize. If we go outside he loves it too so it’s mostly his choice when he wants to go outside or use the tablet, My almost 3 y/o son is the exact same way. His only exception is TV with his little trampoline or swing. At that point he can have as much TV time as he wants as long as he’s happy and active., When he does get a special interest it will just be YouTube vids on said special interest lol., This is how we do it with my son. we find that he puts it down enough and does other activities on his own that we don't need to regulate it, This!!!! So much. I stressed so much about how much he was allowed. Now we talk about it in terms of having a break. If he's unable to stop for dinner or something we say, right buddy you've had too much you need a break. That happened yesterday and he's hung out with me playing and going out. He's really starting to recognise when he needs a break too. He's 6.5, Ah, im So sorry. 💟, Bluey gets unlimited time at our place. It's the best!, Same with us… or else he fixates on not having it., I wish it were only 1.5 to 2 hours a day. That's what my 7.5 year old does on school days because that's the amount of time between when we get home and bedtime. On weekends, it's very likely 8 hours a day. At times, that is just background noise as she plays with other things, but much of it is her laying on the couch watching YouTube. I'm so burnt out that I've had to stop caring too much., Too much. A few hours a day. But he has very little interest in anything else. And it's not even that he begs for it. But he won't play with toys (hardly at all) and loses interest in any new toy or activity quickly. And without screen time it's almost exclusively "crawl on dad" time. I keep hoping for a special interest to take hold. And he's young. 3.75. So maybe eventually., Half an hour everyday, one hour on weekends unless he wants to watch a movie with us. No more or he would become too dependent on it., 5 hours of access on school days, 11 hours on off days. Doesn’t mean he’s using it the whole time, but he has access to it. Over the last almost decade we’ve realized we have better outcomes when he self regulates than if we try to intervene. If we limit screen time, the whole time he doesn’t have access he asks for it and melts down. When he has access, most days he doesn’t look at it for long stretches and never uses it for more than 30-40 minutes at a time before breaking to do something else without it., We used to limit it, but found it just led to more and more tantrums. Once we stopped worrying about it, he stopped worrying about it. Now he comes and goes through the day (when he’s home) and actually uses it a lot less when we were trying to be strict about access. This is hard enough without giving yourself an additional stress., We don't limit it at all. We have an Alexa which my gestalt language learner loves to watch YouTube videos on and learn new phrases/commands. Hearing "Alexa... what's the weather" continuously for an hour at a time is pretty annoying. But I really think this helps him and his learned scripts. He also likes to watch consumer reviews on washing machines and dishwashers. He's not hurting anything by playing with a tablet and is learning from it so I don't see the harm. I care much more about not exposing young kids to social media than I do screen time., We almost always have the TV on in the background (usually Netflix Kids to avoid ads) but whether anyone is actually watching it is a different question. This will likely change as warmer weather comes our way and the kids can get out more. We do set limits on my daughter's (10) tablet otherwise she will play her game (special interest) literally from the time she wakes up to the time she is sent to bed, so she gets 6 hours after school (and we might even limit that further here soon). Our son (4.5) is similarly on his tablet a lot, but most of what he plays/watches is educational. His tablet's battery is also not doing so great, so it's sometimes dead before 3 or 4 PM, lol. So if you're not feeling great about screen time, just remember there are some of us who are on it \*WAY\* more than your kiddos, lol. I \*wish\* we were at 1.5-2 hrs a day., We learned that by giving him free rein, he doesn’t glue himself to the iPad. He plays with other toys before coming back to it once in a while. I can’t tell you how long he actually spends on it, but he has access to it anytime he is home.,  Haha it’s just always on in the background, whether it’s kids stuff or my regular re-runs, like Scrubs or Friends or something. My NT kid actually watches a lot more than my ND. She can’t really be bothered with such things 😂, Zero hours because my son has no interest in it. I wish he did, mom could use a break hahaha, iPad is accessible all day between 7am-7pm. When we limited the time it was all consuming. When he’s allowed to use it for anytime to self regulate, he uses it way less intensely. He uses it to just play music while he jumps around or plays outside. If he has it only for an hour a day he’s all consumed by it and has a meltdown when we take it away. He’s happier all day long if he has access to iPad even if he doesn’t use it., 3 hours... If not more.... He eats 4 meals a day with feeding issues, so the prep time = TV. Then it's the only way I can clean him and dress him without holding him down screaming., Great post. Interesting to hear the honest responses. I feel like a a failure because my boy will watch planets/Bluey/random for 10 hours if we don't schedule outside activities. Getting him into therapy helped but I was laid off this week and needed to pull him out., My kid is a Gestalt Language Processor and screen time has been incredibly beneficial for her. She is able to communicate so much more and thrive since allowing her to watch Bluey most of the day (with some breaks). Her speech therapist has been blown away. It may be judged by others but I tune out the noise because I know what’s best for my child. Do what’s best for your kid and your family., TV…it’s kind of just on all day. But we recently took his iPad away. It was getting too bad. With his frustration and zoning out for hours and good lord the shit the YouTube algorithm came up with was disgusting. It was rough at first. That addiction is real. But after about a week he doesn’t even ask for it anymore. He’s a whole new kid. More engaged, playful, and generally happier. It’s not easy but 10/10 highly recommend dropping these iPads., We're probably the same, our son is 4. Just the telly in the living room, almost always with one of us watching with him. Some days he has like half a hour, especially as the weather is getting a bit nicer. But other days it can run up to a couple of hours. We don't usually do the telly after about 5pm ish, but sometimes we put a film on with pizza at the weekend if we've been out all day or something. Unless it's a "start the day at 2am" kinda day of course, then all bets are off!, My 15yo ASD daughter attends public school and has to use a Chromebook there. At home, she watches a TV show before bed on non-school nights, and that's about it. My 6yo ADHD daughter is homeschooled. She gets two episodes of TV in the morning (so about forty or fifty minutes, depending on which show it is) and on Wednesday night she gets a movie. We don't use screens for her school., Half hour at breakfast, younger gets another hour after oldest gets to school bus and before she gets to school. Then 2-3 hours in the evening. Irregular hours, meaning more than half the time we are doing something out of the house, extracurricular, or such., We haven’t put limits on it, but my ND son only uses it a little here and there; he’d rather indulge in his special interests. My NT son will use his tablet till the battery dies, so, he might get some limits here pretty soon., On school days, no screens until 6pm, then they can have screens until bedtime at 730. Weekends are a free for all, I would guess 4-6 hours probably. They are age 7 and 10, both ND, and we didn't have to start restricting until about a year/year and a half ago. Before that they were pretty good at self regulating, but it was starting to get excessive and interfering with other activities on week days, so we put the limit in place and it's worked great. Having a set start time is so much easier than a "2 hour" rule where I have to constantly monitor who has watched what for how long. They know not to ask before 6pm bc the answer is always no. Considering a weekend limit too, but our routines are really scattered on weekends so it would be difficult to set a start/stop time., This was just posted here 5 days ago if you want to take a peek https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism_Parenting/s/Z1Q0gjznRU, It varies from day to day tbh. But I do have some pretty firm rules set that seem to work fine for my little: 1. I don't give him his tablet first thing in the morning. He has to be up for at least 3 hours before he can have it. 2. No tablet at the table for meals. It helps him to focus on his food better and it's so nice having him interact with us and not be isolated. He is allowed one of his little cars though as it helps regulate him if he's a little overwhelmed. 3. If he wants to use the tablet at night before bed, he is only allowed to play little games or color on it. I found that if he watches any videos before bed, he tends to have a harder time falling asleep. So far, these rules work for him for the most part and I think the structure of it all really helps him. He's able to understand and doesnt get upset when it's time for the tablet to go away. I am open to the possibility of having to change certain things as he gets older but always with his best interest in mind. Edited to add: he's 4, so I know his behavior might change as he gets older. And also no one should feel ashamed. We are all trying our best as parents and each child is so different. The last thing we need is to be hard on ourselves ❤️, I aim for a maximum of 2 hours a day, but it has crept up to 3-5 over the winter, especially since my in-laws went out of the country for two months, and we had no babysitting to give us a break. We are working on getting it back down again. In our defense, though, he doesn't nap anymore, but needs a break in the middle of the day or else he becomes incredibly cranky. So, he has quiet time with his tablet for about 90 minutes on non-school days, and then he usually gets some TV in the evening when I am cooking and doing evening chores., Honestly? My son is 5. The TV is on all day. He chooses what to watch, as it gives him control of a situation (Control is a big factor for him). He plays with his toys, plays learning games on yis tablet, draws, and even helps me clean! All with the TV on. We do mute/pause videos during meltdowns, because it helps from overstimulation. He also does have the concept of right/wrong, and understands that the TV can and will be turned off as a form of punishment. So yeah. TV is on all the time. EDIT: My son is my only child, and I am fortunate to be a SAHP. If the TV was off, he will request my 100% attention all day, and it can be too much for me. TV gives me quiet time, and time for me to be productive around the home., It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It helps control his anxiety while socializing as well. It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It also helps control his anxiety while socializing.s interests with people he would normally struggle to talk with (I think the icebreaker reduces his anxiety). It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet, even if he isn't looking at it. He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc. He also uses videos to communicate/start conversations about his interests with people that he would normally struggle to talk with., So my autistic son gets a reward every time he has a great day at school. He gets to watch his favorite movie if he doesn’t have a great day at school, he doesn’t get to watch it and my other son who’s not autistic watches maybe I guess two hours a day, probably close to three if you count in the mornings before school honestly it helps as I have cleaning to do trying to get stuff done and it’s kind of like routine at this point so after school, he gets two hours while I get some stuff done and I let him know when the time is coming to a close like 15 minutes it’s no more TV time and that’s how I handle it is it too much I don’t know but it’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months, My child is on it the moment he comes home from school. But he has moments where he’s using it to try to repeat words and sentences (he’s non verbal and we’re working on getting him to be verbal) He also uses an ipad in school but specifically for learning to talk / make use of sentences during Speech Therapy. Once he gets home he uses it a lot but he also uses it and mimics whats going on in the videos and sometimes has it running in the background while he plays with his toys. I will admit it’s too much and I feel like it’s almost similar to brain rot but sometimes he’s also watching videos that soothe him, help him communicate or he just enjoys watching videos on repeat about trains and transportation and such. I do have a limit on a timer for his ipad during at night. At 9/10 it cuts off unless battery dies before then but some nights i’ll let it pass for another 15-20 minutes and other times he kind of just uses the ipad as white noise and pass out to it. I have noticed though he will definitely drop it for other things like going outside, bath time + such (thankfully)., All day tbh. But majority of the time it’s educational games or making music. On the off chance she is on YouTube listening to something that isn’t educational she’s simultaneously playing with toys, coloring or something else, so I try not to feel too terrible about it., My guy is almost 4. We actually found he does better in terms of regulating when he has some screen time so we watch Bluey every morning with breakfast and we watch more Bluey (lol) after nap time. It seems to help him transition into waking up with a good attitude. We sometimes watch sports after dinner because we all love it and he hardly pays attention to that but likes the noise in the background., We do 2 hours a day on tablet/video games. My MIL who lives with us constantly has the TV on though., The tv is always on. I’m not even gonna pretend lol. But I will say my kids are pretty good about doing other activities on their own instead of me turning the tv off or setting time limits. My son doesn’t even choose to play on his tablet. He looks at his books or plays with his fidget toys mainly., Who cares? Don’t feel bad about it., Way too much honestly, but we break it up so I really don’t know. Mine likes to play with background noise so something is always on no matter what., ASD son is 5 years old. We don't restrict, but we also average 1.5 hours of outdoor play a day. His younger brother gets on his nerves playing with toys because whatever older brother has, he wants. So he likes to play on the tablet because little brother doesn't understand how to play those games yet., Background noise but she travels through the house and plays in her room, watch 10 min , rinse and repeat. I am very happy we are iPad free right now. Her scripting goes off the richter with that thing and hard to find good apps that’s not loaded with apps and not a monthly subscription., Like an hour and a half a day, he’s 3. I think that’s a healthy amount!, Much love to you we are all doing our best, About the same here on the weekends, been trying to just give him what he wants in context to going to the park, playing outside, or going to the indoor gym. It’s easier just to let him do his own thing with supervision than to say no to everything and just have him watch tv all day. Granted it’s probably “easier” on my side because we don’t have other children and we still have long difficult days., How olds your kid? I would say my son is the same amount but I don’t limit it because it helps him get new scripts to memorize. If we go outside he loves it too so it’s mostly his choice when he wants to go outside or use the tablet, My almost 3 y/o son is the exact same way. His only exception is TV with his little trampoline or swing. At that point he can have as much TV time as he wants as long as he’s happy and active., When he does get a special interest it will just be YouTube vids on said special interest lol., This is how we do it with my son. we find that he puts it down enough and does other activities on his own that we don't need to regulate it, This!!!! So much. I stressed so much about how much he was allowed. Now we talk about it in terms of having a break. If he's unable to stop for dinner or something we say, right buddy you've had too much you need a break. That happened yesterday and he's hung out with me playing and going out. He's really starting to recognise when he needs a break too. He's 6.5, Ah, im So sorry. 💟, Bluey gets unlimited time at our place. It's the best!, Same with us… or else he fixates on not having it., I wish it were only 1.5 to 2 hours a day. That's what my 7.5 year old does on school days because that's the amount of time between when we get home and bedtime. On weekends, it's very likely 8 hours a day. At times, that is just background noise as she plays with other things, but much of it is her laying on the couch watching YouTube. I'm so burnt out that I've had to stop caring too much., Too much. A few hours a day. But he has very little interest in anything else. And it's not even that he begs for it. But he won't play with toys (hardly at all) and loses interest in any new toy or activity quickly. And without screen time it's almost exclusively "crawl on dad" time. I keep hoping for a special interest to take hold. And he's young. 3.75. So maybe eventually., Half an hour everyday, one hour on weekends unless he wants to watch a movie with us. No more or he would become too dependent on it., 5 hours of access on school days, 11 hours on off days. Doesn’t mean he’s using it the whole time, but he has access to it. Over the last almost decade we’ve realized we have better outcomes when he self regulates than if we try to intervene. If we limit screen time, the whole time he doesn’t have access he asks for it and melts down. When he has access, most days he doesn’t look at it for long stretches and never uses it for more than 30-40 minutes at a time before breaking to do something else without it., We used to limit it, but found it just led to more and more tantrums. Once we stopped worrying about it, he stopped worrying about it. Now he comes and goes through the day (when he’s home) and actually uses it a lot less when we were trying to be strict about access. This is hard enough without giving yourself an additional stress., We don't limit it at all. We have an Alexa which my gestalt language learner loves to watch YouTube videos on and learn new phrases/commands. Hearing "Alexa... what's the weather" continuously for an hour at a time is pretty annoying. But I really think this helps him and his learned scripts. He also likes to watch consumer reviews on washing machines and dishwashers. He's not hurting anything by playing with a tablet and is learning from it so I don't see the harm. I care much more about not exposing young kids to social media than I do screen time., We almost always have the TV on in the background (usually Netflix Kids to avoid ads) but whether anyone is actually watching it is a different question. This will likely change as warmer weather comes our way and the kids can get out more. We do set limits on my daughter's (10) tablet otherwise she will play her game (special interest) literally from the time she wakes up to the time she is sent to bed, so she gets 6 hours after school (and we might even limit that further here soon). Our son (4.5) is similarly on his tablet a lot, but most of what he plays/watches is educational. His tablet's battery is also not doing so great, so it's sometimes dead before 3 or 4 PM, lol. So if you're not feeling great about screen time, just remember there are some of us who are on it \*WAY\* more than your kiddos, lol. I \*wish\* we were at 1.5-2 hrs a day., We learned that by giving him free rein, he doesn’t glue himself to the iPad. He plays with other toys before coming back to it once in a while. I can’t tell you how long he actually spends on it, but he has access to it anytime he is home.,  Haha it’s just always on in the background, whether it’s kids stuff or my regular re-runs, like Scrubs or Friends or something. My NT kid actually watches a lot more than my ND. She can’t really be bothered with such things 😂, Zero hours because my son has no interest in it. I wish he did, mom could use a break hahaha, iPad is accessible all day between 7am-7pm. When we limited the time it was all consuming. When he’s allowed to use it for anytime to self regulate, he uses it way less intensely. He uses it to just play music while he jumps around or plays outside. If he has it only for an hour a day he’s all consumed by it and has a meltdown when we take it away. He’s happier all day long if he has access to iPad even if he doesn’t use it., 3 hours... If not more.... He eats 4 meals a day with feeding issues, so the prep time = TV. Then it's the only way I can clean him and dress him without holding him down screaming., Great post. Interesting to hear the honest responses. I feel like a a failure because my boy will watch planets/Bluey/random for 10 hours if we don't schedule outside activities. Getting him into therapy helped but I was laid off this week and needed to pull him out., My kid is a Gestalt Language Processor and screen time has been incredibly beneficial for her. She is able to communicate so much more and thrive since allowing her to watch Bluey most of the day (with some breaks). Her speech therapist has been blown away. It may be judged by others but I tune out the noise because I know what’s best for my child. Do what’s best for your kid and your family., TV…it’s kind of just on all day. But we recently took his iPad away. It was getting too bad. With his frustration and zoning out for hours and good lord the shit the YouTube algorithm came up with was disgusting. It was rough at first. That addiction is real. But after about a week he doesn’t even ask for it anymore. He’s a whole new kid. More engaged, playful, and generally happier. It’s not easy but 10/10 highly recommend dropping these iPads., We're probably the same, our son is 4. Just the telly in the living room, almost always with one of us watching with him. Some days he has like half a hour, especially as the weather is getting a bit nicer. But other days it can run up to a couple of hours. We don't usually do the telly after about 5pm ish, but sometimes we put a film on with pizza at the weekend if we've been out all day or something. Unless it's a "start the day at 2am" kinda day of course, then all bets are off!, My 15yo ASD daughter attends public school and has to use a Chromebook there. At home, she watches a TV show before bed on non-school nights, and that's about it. My 6yo ADHD daughter is homeschooled. She gets two episodes of TV in the morning (so about forty or fifty minutes, depending on which show it is) and on Wednesday night she gets a movie. We don't use screens for her school., Half hour at breakfast, younger gets another hour after oldest gets to school bus and before she gets to school. Then 2-3 hours in the evening. Irregular hours, meaning more than half the time we are doing something out of the house, extracurricular, or such., We haven’t put limits on it, but my ND son only uses it a little here and there; he’d rather indulge in his special interests. My NT son will use his tablet till the battery dies, so, he might get some limits here pretty soon., On school days, no screens until 6pm, then they can have screens until bedtime at 730. Weekends are a free for all, I would guess 4-6 hours probably. They are age 7 and 10, both ND, and we didn't have to start restricting until about a year/year and a half ago. Before that they were pretty good at self regulating, but it was starting to get excessive and interfering with other activities on week days, so we put the limit in place and it's worked great. Having a set start time is so much easier than a "2 hour" rule where I have to constantly monitor who has watched what for how long. They know not to ask before 6pm bc the answer is always no. Considering a weekend limit too, but our routines are really scattered on weekends so it would be difficult to set a start/stop time., This was just posted here 5 days ago if you want to take a peek https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism_Parenting/s/Z1Q0gjznRU, It varies from day to day tbh. But I do have some pretty firm rules set that seem to work fine for my little: 1. I don't give him his tablet first thing in the morning. He has to be up for at least 3 hours before he can have it. 2. No tablet at the table for meals. It helps him to focus on his food better and it's so nice having him interact with us and not be isolated. He is allowed one of his little cars though as it helps regulate him if he's a little overwhelmed. 3. If he wants to use the tablet at night before bed, he is only allowed to play little games or color on it. I found that if he watches any videos before bed, he tends to have a harder time falling asleep. So far, these rules work for him for the most part and I think the structure of it all really helps him. He's able to understand and doesnt get upset when it's time for the tablet to go away. I am open to the possibility of having to change certain things as he gets older but always with his best interest in mind. Edited to add: he's 4, so I know his behavior might change as he gets older. And also no one should feel ashamed. We are all trying our best as parents and each child is so different. The last thing we need is to be hard on ourselves ❤️, I aim for a maximum of 2 hours a day, but it has crept up to 3-5 over the winter, especially since my in-laws went out of the country for two months, and we had no babysitting to give us a break. We are working on getting it back down again. In our defense, though, he doesn't nap anymore, but needs a break in the middle of the day or else he becomes incredibly cranky. So, he has quiet time with his tablet for about 90 minutes on non-school days, and then he usually gets some TV in the evening when I am cooking and doing evening chores., Honestly? My son is 5. The TV is on all day. He chooses what to watch, as it gives him control of a situation (Control is a big factor for him). He plays with his toys, plays learning games on yis tablet, draws, and even helps me clean! All with the TV on. We do mute/pause videos during meltdowns, because it helps from overstimulation. He also does have the concept of right/wrong, and understands that the TV can and will be turned off as a form of punishment. So yeah. TV is on all the time. EDIT: My son is my only child, and I am fortunate to be a SAHP. If the TV was off, he will request my 100% attention all day, and it can be too much for me. TV gives me quiet time, and time for me to be productive around the home., It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It helps control his anxiety while socializing as well. It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It also helps control his anxiety while socializing.s interests with people he would normally struggle to talk with (I think the icebreaker reduces his anxiety). It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet, even if he isn't looking at it. He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc. He also uses videos to communicate/start conversations about his interests with people that he would normally struggle to talk with., So my autistic son gets a reward every time he has a great day at school. He gets to watch his favorite movie if he doesn’t have a great day at school, he doesn’t get to watch it and my other son who’s not autistic watches maybe I guess two hours a day, probably close to three if you count in the mornings before school honestly it helps as I have cleaning to do trying to get stuff done and it’s kind of like routine at this point so after school, he gets two hours while I get some stuff done and I let him know when the time is coming to a close like 15 minutes it’s no more TV time and that’s how I handle it is it too much I don’t know but it’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months, My child is on it the moment he comes home from school. But he has moments where he’s using it to try to repeat words and sentences (he’s non verbal and we’re working on getting him to be verbal) He also uses an ipad in school but specifically for learning to talk / make use of sentences during Speech Therapy. Once he gets home he uses it a lot but he also uses it and mimics whats going on in the videos and sometimes has it running in the background while he plays with his toys. I will admit it’s too much and I feel like it’s almost similar to brain rot but sometimes he’s also watching videos that soothe him, help him communicate or he just enjoys watching videos on repeat about trains and transportation and such. I do have a limit on a timer for his ipad during at night. At 9/10 it cuts off unless battery dies before then but some nights i’ll let it pass for another 15-20 minutes and other times he kind of just uses the ipad as white noise and pass out to it. I have noticed though he will definitely drop it for other things like going outside, bath time + such (thankfully)., All day tbh. But majority of the time it’s educational games or making music. On the off chance she is on YouTube listening to something that isn’t educational she’s simultaneously playing with toys, coloring or something else, so I try not to feel too terrible about it., My guy is almost 4. We actually found he does better in terms of regulating when he has some screen time so we watch Bluey every morning with breakfast and we watch more Bluey (lol) after nap time. It seems to help him transition into waking up with a good attitude. We sometimes watch sports after dinner because we all love it and he hardly pays attention to that but likes the noise in the background., We do 2 hours a day on tablet/video games. My MIL who lives with us constantly has the TV on though., The tv is always on. I’m not even gonna pretend lol. But I will say my kids are pretty good about doing other activities on their own instead of me turning the tv off or setting time limits. My son doesn’t even choose to play on his tablet. He looks at his books or plays with his fidget toys mainly., Who cares? Don’t feel bad about it., Way too much honestly, but we break it up so I really don’t know. Mine likes to play with background noise so something is always on no matter what., ASD son is 5 years old. We don't restrict, but we also average 1.5 hours of outdoor play a day. His younger brother gets on his nerves playing with toys because whatever older brother has, he wants. So he likes to play on the tablet because little brother doesn't understand how to play those games yet., Background noise but she travels through the house and plays in her room, watch 10 min , rinse and repeat. I am very happy we are iPad free right now. Her scripting goes off the richter with that thing and hard to find good apps that’s not loaded with apps and not a monthly subscription., Like an hour and a half a day, he’s 3. I think that’s a healthy amount!, Much love to you we are all doing our best, About the same here on the weekends, been trying to just give him what he wants in context to going to the park, playing outside, or going to the indoor gym. It’s easier just to let him do his own thing with supervision than to say no to everything and just have him watch tv all day. Granted it’s probably “easier” on my side because we don’t have other children and we still have long difficult days., How olds your kid? I would say my son is the same amount but I don’t limit it because it helps him get new scripts to memorize. If we go outside he loves it too so it’s mostly his choice when he wants to go outside or use the tablet, My almost 3 y/o son is the exact same way. His only exception is TV with his little trampoline or swing. At that point he can have as much TV time as he wants as long as he’s happy and active., When he does get a special interest it will just be YouTube vids on said special interest lol., This is how we do it with my son. we find that he puts it down enough and does other activities on his own that we don't need to regulate it, This!!!! So much. I stressed so much about how much he was allowed. Now we talk about it in terms of having a break. If he's unable to stop for dinner or something we say, right buddy you've had too much you need a break. That happened yesterday and he's hung out with me playing and going out. He's really starting to recognise when he needs a break too. He's 6.5, Ah, im So sorry. 💟, Bluey gets unlimited time at our place. It's the best!, Same with us… or else he fixates on not having it., I wish it were only 1.5 to 2 hours a day. That's what my 7.5 year old does on school days because that's the amount of time between when we get home and bedtime. On weekends, it's very likely 8 hours a day. At times, that is just background noise as she plays with other things, but much of it is her laying on the couch watching YouTube. I'm so burnt out that I've had to stop caring too much., Too much. A few hours a day. But he has very little interest in anything else. And it's not even that he begs for it. But he won't play with toys (hardly at all) and loses interest in any new toy or activity quickly. And without screen time it's almost exclusively "crawl on dad" time. I keep hoping for a special interest to take hold. And he's young. 3.75. So maybe eventually., Half an hour everyday, one hour on weekends unless he wants to watch a movie with us. No more or he would become too dependent on it., 5 hours of access on school days, 11 hours on off days. Doesn’t mean he’s using it the whole time, but he has access to it. Over the last almost decade we’ve realized we have better outcomes when he self regulates than if we try to intervene. If we limit screen time, the whole time he doesn’t have access he asks for it and melts down. When he has access, most days he doesn’t look at it for long stretches and never uses it for more than 30-40 minutes at a time before breaking to do something else without it., We used to limit it, but found it just led to more and more tantrums. Once we stopped worrying about it, he stopped worrying about it. Now he comes and goes through the day (when he’s home) and actually uses it a lot less when we were trying to be strict about access. This is hard enough without giving yourself an additional stress., We don't limit it at all. We have an Alexa which my gestalt language learner loves to watch YouTube videos on and learn new phrases/commands. Hearing "Alexa... what's the weather" continuously for an hour at a time is pretty annoying. But I really think this helps him and his learned scripts. He also likes to watch consumer reviews on washing machines and dishwashers. He's not hurting anything by playing with a tablet and is learning from it so I don't see the harm. I care much more about not exposing young kids to social media than I do screen time., We almost always have the TV on in the background (usually Netflix Kids to avoid ads) but whether anyone is actually watching it is a different question. This will likely change as warmer weather comes our way and the kids can get out more. We do set limits on my daughter's (10) tablet otherwise she will play her game (special interest) literally from the time she wakes up to the time she is sent to bed, so she gets 6 hours after school (and we might even limit that further here soon). Our son (4.5) is similarly on his tablet a lot, but most of what he plays/watches is educational. His tablet's battery is also not doing so great, so it's sometimes dead before 3 or 4 PM, lol. So if you're not feeling great about screen time, just remember there are some of us who are on it \*WAY\* more than your kiddos, lol. I \*wish\* we were at 1.5-2 hrs a day., We learned that by giving him free rein, he doesn’t glue himself to the iPad. He plays with other toys before coming back to it once in a while. I can’t tell you how long he actually spends on it, but he has access to it anytime he is home.,  Haha it’s just always on in the background, whether it’s kids stuff or my regular re-runs, like Scrubs or Friends or something. My NT kid actually watches a lot more than my ND. She can’t really be bothered with such things 😂, Zero hours because my son has no interest in it. I wish he did, mom could use a break hahaha, iPad is accessible all day between 7am-7pm. When we limited the time it was all consuming. When he’s allowed to use it for anytime to self regulate, he uses it way less intensely. He uses it to just play music while he jumps around or plays outside. If he has it only for an hour a day he’s all consumed by it and has a meltdown when we take it away. He’s happier all day long if he has access to iPad even if he doesn’t use it., 3 hours... If not more.... He eats 4 meals a day with feeding issues, so the prep time = TV. Then it's the only way I can clean him and dress him without holding him down screaming., Great post. Interesting to hear the honest responses. I feel like a a failure because my boy will watch planets/Bluey/random for 10 hours if we don't schedule outside activities. Getting him into therapy helped but I was laid off this week and needed to pull him out., My kid is a Gestalt Language Processor and screen time has been incredibly beneficial for her. She is able to communicate so much more and thrive since allowing her to watch Bluey most of the day (with some breaks). Her speech therapist has been blown away. It may be judged by others but I tune out the noise because I know what’s best for my child. Do what’s best for your kid and your family., TV…it’s kind of just on all day. But we recently took his iPad away. It was getting too bad. With his frustration and zoning out for hours and good lord the shit the YouTube algorithm came up with was disgusting. It was rough at first. That addiction is real. But after about a week he doesn’t even ask for it anymore. He’s a whole new kid. More engaged, playful, and generally happier. It’s not easy but 10/10 highly recommend dropping these iPads., We're probably the same, our son is 4. Just the telly in the living room, almost always with one of us watching with him. Some days he has like half a hour, especially as the weather is getting a bit nicer. But other days it can run up to a couple of hours. We don't usually do the telly after about 5pm ish, but sometimes we put a film on with pizza at the weekend if we've been out all day or something. Unless it's a "start the day at 2am" kinda day of course, then all bets are off!, My 15yo ASD daughter attends public school and has to use a Chromebook there. At home, she watches a TV show before bed on non-school nights, and that's about it. My 6yo ADHD daughter is homeschooled. She gets two episodes of TV in the morning (so about forty or fifty minutes, depending on which show it is) and on Wednesday night she gets a movie. We don't use screens for her school., Half hour at breakfast, younger gets another hour after oldest gets to school bus and before she gets to school. Then 2-3 hours in the evening. Irregular hours, meaning more than half the time we are doing something out of the house, extracurricular, or such., We haven’t put limits on it, but my ND son only uses it a little here and there; he’d rather indulge in his special interests. My NT son will use his tablet till the battery dies, so, he might get some limits here pretty soon., On school days, no screens until 6pm, then they can have screens until bedtime at 730. Weekends are a free for all, I would guess 4-6 hours probably. They are age 7 and 10, both ND, and we didn't have to start restricting until about a year/year and a half ago. Before that they were pretty good at self regulating, but it was starting to get excessive and interfering with other activities on week days, so we put the limit in place and it's worked great. Having a set start time is so much easier than a "2 hour" rule where I have to constantly monitor who has watched what for how long. They know not to ask before 6pm bc the answer is always no. Considering a weekend limit too, but our routines are really scattered on weekends so it would be difficult to set a start/stop time., This was just posted here 5 days ago if you want to take a peek https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism_Parenting/s/Z1Q0gjznRU, It varies from day to day tbh. But I do have some pretty firm rules set that seem to work fine for my little: 1. I don't give him his tablet first thing in the morning. He has to be up for at least 3 hours before he can have it. 2. No tablet at the table for meals. It helps him to focus on his food better and it's so nice having him interact with us and not be isolated. He is allowed one of his little cars though as it helps regulate him if he's a little overwhelmed. 3. If he wants to use the tablet at night before bed, he is only allowed to play little games or color on it. I found that if he watches any videos before bed, he tends to have a harder time falling asleep. So far, these rules work for him for the most part and I think the structure of it all really helps him. He's able to understand and doesnt get upset when it's time for the tablet to go away. I am open to the possibility of having to change certain things as he gets older but always with his best interest in mind. Edited to add: he's 4, so I know his behavior might change as he gets older. And also no one should feel ashamed. We are all trying our best as parents and each child is so different. The last thing we need is to be hard on ourselves ❤️, I aim for a maximum of 2 hours a day, but it has crept up to 3-5 over the winter, especially since my in-laws went out of the country for two months, and we had no babysitting to give us a break. We are working on getting it back down again. In our defense, though, he doesn't nap anymore, but needs a break in the middle of the day or else he becomes incredibly cranky. So, he has quiet time with his tablet for about 90 minutes on non-school days, and then he usually gets some TV in the evening when I am cooking and doing evening chores., Honestly? My son is 5. The TV is on all day. He chooses what to watch, as it gives him control of a situation (Control is a big factor for him). He plays with his toys, plays learning games on yis tablet, draws, and even helps me clean! All with the TV on. We do mute/pause videos during meltdowns, because it helps from overstimulation. He also does have the concept of right/wrong, and understands that the TV can and will be turned off as a form of punishment. So yeah. TV is on all the time. EDIT: My son is my only child, and I am fortunate to be a SAHP. If the TV was off, he will request my 100% attention all day, and it can be too much for me. TV gives me quiet time, and time for me to be productive around the home., It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It helps control his anxiety while socializing as well. It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet (it doesn't always matter what is on). He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc.). It also helps control his anxiety while socializing.s interests with people he would normally struggle to talk with (I think the icebreaker reduces his anxiety). It took a while to realize that he uses screens to regulate himself. He tends to have his screen on while engaged in other tasks, such as talking with people, playing with stuff, etc. His focus on activities is higher when he can hear the tablet, even if he isn't looking at it. He likes YouTube, audiobooks, movies, etc. He also uses videos to communicate/start conversations about his interests with people that he would normally struggle to talk with., So my autistic son gets a reward every time he has a great day at school. He gets to watch his favorite movie if he doesn’t have a great day at school, he doesn’t get to watch it and my other son who’s not autistic watches maybe I guess two hours a day, probably close to three if you count in the mornings before school honestly it helps as I have cleaning to do trying to get stuff done and it’s kind of like routine at this point so after school, he gets two hours while I get some stuff done and I let him know when the time is coming to a close like 15 minutes it’s no more TV time and that’s how I handle it is it too much I don’t know but it’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months, My child is on it the moment he comes home from school. But he has moments where he’s using it to try to repeat words and sentences (he’s non verbal and we’re working on getting him to be verbal) He also uses an ipad in school but specifically for learning to talk / make use of sentences during Speech Therapy. Once he gets home he uses it a lot but he also uses it and mimics whats going on in the videos and sometimes has it running in the background while he plays with his toys. I will admit it’s too much and I feel like it’s almost similar to brain rot but sometimes he’s also watching videos that soothe him, help him communicate or he just enjoys watching videos on repeat about trains and transportation and such. I do have a limit on a timer for his ipad during at night. At 9/10 it cuts off unless battery dies before then but some nights i’ll let it pass for another 15-20 minutes and other times he kind of just uses the ipad as white noise and pass out to it. I have noticed though he will definitely drop it for other things like going outside, bath time + such (thankfully)., All day tbh. But majority of the time it’s educational games or making music. On the off chance she is on YouTube listening to something that isn’t educational she’s simultaneously playing with toys, coloring or something else, so I try not to feel too terrible about it., My guy is almost 4. We actually found he does better in terms of regulating when he has some screen time so we watch Bluey every morning with breakfast and we watch more Bluey (lol) after nap time. It seems to help him transition into waking up with a good attitude. We sometimes watch sports after dinner because we all love it and he hardly pays attention to that but likes the noise in the background., We do 2 hours a day on tablet/video games. My MIL who lives with us constantly has the TV on though., The tv is always on. I’m not even gonna pretend lol. But I will say my kids are pretty good about doing other activities on their own instead of me turning the tv off or setting time limits. My son doesn’t even choose to play on his tablet. He looks at his books or plays with his fidget toys mainly., Who cares? Don’t feel bad about it., Way too much honestly, but we break it up so I really don’t know. Mine likes to play with background noise so something is always on no matter what., ASD son is 5 years old. We don't restrict, but we also average 1.5 hours of outdoor play a day. His younger brother gets on his nerves playing with toys because whatever older brother has, he wants. So he likes to play on the tablet because little brother doesn't understand how to play those games yet., Background noise but she travels through the house and plays in her room, watch 10 min , rinse and repeat. I am very happy we are iPad free right now. Her scripting goes off the richter with that thing and hard to find good apps that’s not loaded with apps and not a monthly subscription., Like an hour and a half a day, he’s 3. I think that’s a healthy amount!, Much love to you we are all doing our best, About the same here on the weekends, been trying to just give him what he wants in context to going to the park, playing outside, or going to the indoor gym. It’s easier just to let him do his own thing with supervision than to say no to everything and just have him watch tv all day. Granted it’s probably “easier” on my side because we don’t have other children and we still have long difficult days., How olds your kid? I would say my son is the same amount but I don’t limit it because it helps him get new scripts to memorize. If we go outside he loves it too so it’s mostly his choice when he wants to go outside or use the tablet, My almost 3 y/o son is the exact same way. His only exception is TV with his little trampoline or swing. At that point he can have as much TV time as he wants as long as he’s happy and active., When he does get a special interest it will just be YouTube vids on said special interest lol., This is how we do it with my son. we find that he puts it down enough and does other activities on his own that we don't need to regulate it, This!!!! So much. I stressed so much about how much he was allowed. Now we talk about it in terms of having a break. If he's unable to stop for dinner or something we say, right buddy you've had too much you need a break. That happened yesterday and he's hung out with me playing and going out. He's really starting to recognise when he needs a break too. He's 6.5, Ah, im So sorry. 💟, Bluey gets unlimited time at our place. It's the best!, Same with us… or else he fixates on not having it.

How much speach therapy for non verbal 3 year old. Any success stories?

Hello. My 3 year old hasn't been diagnosed yet but pretty sure he is on spectrum. He has been doing low vowel sounds lately with long E sound. He communicates with us by bringing us to what he wants or something he needs opened. I have no idea what level asd he would be. I'm thinking severe because he doesn't speak?? I would love to hear some feedback on everyone's experiences. Any success?? Is the vowels a good sign or a stim? How much speach therapy a week did you do? Thank you so much. 💓

My son started saying mama/dada around 18m, never really progressed past that, and by 2.5y he had regressed to completely nonverbal. We did speech through my states follow along program, which was an in-home visit once a month and that was it. Between that, and us following her advice religiously and working our asses off, we eventually got him back to mama/dada shortly before he got into preschool at 3. In preschool he had a 20m session 4×week and he is now using full sentences, the current goals are pronunciation (he de-vocalizes certain letters on the back half of words) and and working on WH questions (who, what, why, etc) and he makes progress practically every day.  Success is possible, but it's highly kid dependent and requires full commitment from both parents, imo and it's not guaranteed by any means. , Hey there! As an SLP, I totally understand your concerns about your child's communication development and the possibility of ASD. It's awesome that you're reaching out for advice and support! First things first, getting a professional evaluation from a qualified SLP, healthcare provider or developmental specialist is super important. Early intervention is key for kids with developmental delays, including those on the autism spectrum. When it comes to speech therapy, it can really make a big difference for nonverbal kiddos with ASD. The number of therapy sessions per week can vary based on your child's unique needs, and a certified SLP can help figure out what's best after an evaluation. In-home services tend to be more like 1x/month, outpatient or school services may be more like 1-3x/wk approx 30min-1hr. Success stories vary from kid to kid, but staying positive and patient is key. It sounds like he is initiating some great interactions, and hearing those vowel sounds, even if they're just popping up here and there, is a good sign! Still, it's best to chat with a speech therapist or developmental specialist to understand exactly what those sounds might mean for your child. Besides speech therapy, early intervention programs and behavioral therapy can also be super helpful for some kiddos with ASD. Teaming up with a bunch of professionals can give your child the comprehensive support they need. Remember, progress might not always happen in a straight line, but every little victory is worth celebrating. Keep giving your child all the love and support they need, and know that you've got a whole team cheering you on! :), Thank you sooo much. Yes he's been to speach but In process of getting back on it. Had early intervention but aging out soon. Starting integrated preschool soon with therapists. He has receptive and expressive language delay. In your opinion are vowels a good sign?, I will say that it's impossible to definitively interpret their meaning without considering other factors. Observing more of his behaviors and the context in which these sounds occur is key. Factors such as his overall communication patterns, how he interacts with others, and whether the sounds are repeated in various situations are all important to consider for distinguishing between intentional communication attempts and vocal stimming. In terms of vowels, hearing your child produce them, even if it's just a few, is definitely a positive sign. Vowel sounds are foundational for speech development, so their emergence suggests that your child is making progress in understanding and producing speech sounds. It's a step in the right direction!, My son started saying mama/dada around 18m, never really progressed past that, and by 2.5y he had regressed to completely nonverbal. We did speech through my states follow along program, which was an in-home visit once a month and that was it. Between that, and us following her advice religiously and working our asses off, we eventually got him back to mama/dada shortly before he got into preschool at 3. In preschool he had a 20m session 4×week and he is now using full sentences, the current goals are pronunciation (he de-vocalizes certain letters on the back half of words) and and working on WH questions (who, what, why, etc) and he makes progress practically every day.  Success is possible, but it's highly kid dependent and requires full commitment from both parents, imo and it's not guaranteed by any means. , Hey there! As an SLP, I totally understand your concerns about your child's communication development and the possibility of ASD. It's awesome that you're reaching out for advice and support! First things first, getting a professional evaluation from a qualified SLP, healthcare provider or developmental specialist is super important. Early intervention is key for kids with developmental delays, including those on the autism spectrum. When it comes to speech therapy, it can really make a big difference for nonverbal kiddos with ASD. The number of therapy sessions per week can vary based on your child's unique needs, and a certified SLP can help figure out what's best after an evaluation. In-home services tend to be more like 1x/month, outpatient or school services may be more like 1-3x/wk approx 30min-1hr. Success stories vary from kid to kid, but staying positive and patient is key. It sounds like he is initiating some great interactions, and hearing those vowel sounds, even if they're just popping up here and there, is a good sign! Still, it's best to chat with a speech therapist or developmental specialist to understand exactly what those sounds might mean for your child. Besides speech therapy, early intervention programs and behavioral therapy can also be super helpful for some kiddos with ASD. Teaming up with a bunch of professionals can give your child the comprehensive support they need. Remember, progress might not always happen in a straight line, but every little victory is worth celebrating. Keep giving your child all the love and support they need, and know that you've got a whole team cheering you on! :), Thank you sooo much. Yes he's been to speach but In process of getting back on it. Had early intervention but aging out soon. Starting integrated preschool soon with therapists. He has receptive and expressive language delay. In your opinion are vowels a good sign?, I will say that it's impossible to definitively interpret their meaning without considering other factors. Observing more of his behaviors and the context in which these sounds occur is key. Factors such as his overall communication patterns, how he interacts with others, and whether the sounds are repeated in various situations are all important to consider for distinguishing between intentional communication attempts and vocal stimming. In terms of vowels, hearing your child produce them, even if it's just a few, is definitely a positive sign. Vowel sounds are foundational for speech development, so their emergence suggests that your child is making progress in understanding and producing speech sounds. It's a step in the right direction!, My son started saying mama/dada around 18m, never really progressed past that, and by 2.5y he had regressed to completely nonverbal. We did speech through my states follow along program, which was an in-home visit once a month and that was it. Between that, and us following her advice religiously and working our asses off, we eventually got him back to mama/dada shortly before he got into preschool at 3. In preschool he had a 20m session 4×week and he is now using full sentences, the current goals are pronunciation (he de-vocalizes certain letters on the back half of words) and and working on WH questions (who, what, why, etc) and he makes progress practically every day.  Success is possible, but it's highly kid dependent and requires full commitment from both parents, imo and it's not guaranteed by any means. , Hey there! As an SLP, I totally understand your concerns about your child's communication development and the possibility of ASD. It's awesome that you're reaching out for advice and support! First things first, getting a professional evaluation from a qualified SLP, healthcare provider or developmental specialist is super important. Early intervention is key for kids with developmental delays, including those on the autism spectrum. When it comes to speech therapy, it can really make a big difference for nonverbal kiddos with ASD. The number of therapy sessions per week can vary based on your child's unique needs, and a certified SLP can help figure out what's best after an evaluation. In-home services tend to be more like 1x/month, outpatient or school services may be more like 1-3x/wk approx 30min-1hr. Success stories vary from kid to kid, but staying positive and patient is key. It sounds like he is initiating some great interactions, and hearing those vowel sounds, even if they're just popping up here and there, is a good sign! Still, it's best to chat with a speech therapist or developmental specialist to understand exactly what those sounds might mean for your child. Besides speech therapy, early intervention programs and behavioral therapy can also be super helpful for some kiddos with ASD. Teaming up with a bunch of professionals can give your child the comprehensive support they need. Remember, progress might not always happen in a straight line, but every little victory is worth celebrating. Keep giving your child all the love and support they need, and know that you've got a whole team cheering you on! :), Thank you sooo much. Yes he's been to speach but In process of getting back on it. Had early intervention but aging out soon. Starting integrated preschool soon with therapists. He has receptive and expressive language delay. In your opinion are vowels a good sign?, I will say that it's impossible to definitively interpret their meaning without considering other factors. Observing more of his behaviors and the context in which these sounds occur is key. Factors such as his overall communication patterns, how he interacts with others, and whether the sounds are repeated in various situations are all important to consider for distinguishing between intentional communication attempts and vocal stimming. In terms of vowels, hearing your child produce them, even if it's just a few, is definitely a positive sign. Vowel sounds are foundational for speech development, so their emergence suggests that your child is making progress in understanding and producing speech sounds. It's a step in the right direction!, My son started saying mama/dada around 18m, never really progressed past that, and by 2.5y he had regressed to completely nonverbal. We did speech through my states follow along program, which was an in-home visit once a month and that was it. Between that, and us following her advice religiously and working our asses off, we eventually got him back to mama/dada shortly before he got into preschool at 3. In preschool he had a 20m session 4×week and he is now using full sentences, the current goals are pronunciation (he de-vocalizes certain letters on the back half of words) and and working on WH questions (who, what, why, etc) and he makes progress practically every day.  Success is possible, but it's highly kid dependent and requires full commitment from both parents, imo and it's not guaranteed by any means. , Hey there! As an SLP, I totally understand your concerns about your child's communication development and the possibility of ASD. It's awesome that you're reaching out for advice and support! First things first, getting a professional evaluation from a qualified SLP, healthcare provider or developmental specialist is super important. Early intervention is key for kids with developmental delays, including those on the autism spectrum. When it comes to speech therapy, it can really make a big difference for nonverbal kiddos with ASD. The number of therapy sessions per week can vary based on your child's unique needs, and a certified SLP can help figure out what's best after an evaluation. In-home services tend to be more like 1x/month, outpatient or school services may be more like 1-3x/wk approx 30min-1hr. Success stories vary from kid to kid, but staying positive and patient is key. It sounds like he is initiating some great interactions, and hearing those vowel sounds, even if they're just popping up here and there, is a good sign! Still, it's best to chat with a speech therapist or developmental specialist to understand exactly what those sounds might mean for your child. Besides speech therapy, early intervention programs and behavioral therapy can also be super helpful for some kiddos with ASD. Teaming up with a bunch of professionals can give your child the comprehensive support they need. Remember, progress might not always happen in a straight line, but every little victory is worth celebrating. Keep giving your child all the love and support they need, and know that you've got a whole team cheering you on! :), Thank you sooo much. Yes he's been to speach but In process of getting back on it. Had early intervention but aging out soon. Starting integrated preschool soon with therapists. He has receptive and expressive language delay. In your opinion are vowels a good sign?, I will say that it's impossible to definitively interpret their meaning without considering other factors. Observing more of his behaviors and the context in which these sounds occur is key. Factors such as his overall communication patterns, how he interacts with others, and whether the sounds are repeated in various situations are all important to consider for distinguishing between intentional communication attempts and vocal stimming. In terms of vowels, hearing your child produce them, even if it's just a few, is definitely a positive sign. Vowel sounds are foundational for speech development, so their emergence suggests that your child is making progress in understanding and producing speech sounds. It's a step in the right direction!

How should I deal with this situation?

Trigger warning includes me mentioning SA. I honestly don't know what to think or to feel right now. My 17 year old nephew, with ASD, just asked me a very awkward question. Here's the story: Last week, I stayed over my brother's house to help my sister-in-law with the dinner party. I was getting ready to sleep and was on my way out of the bathroom. I saw my nephew waiting at the door. He asked me if he could ask me a "selfish" question or request (I'm a little unsure of what I heard because I was already sleepy at this point). l asked him what was his question. He suddenly locked the bathroom door and I started to panic at this point. I was a SA victim and hates being confined in a locked space with another person (no matter how close I am to them). "Are you familiar with this?" He asked me while he was gesturing with his hand the childish way to refer to sex. I was really flustered and was getting worried. I raised my voice and told him, "What kind of question is that?". I was able to get out of the bathrooms m and went straight to the guest room. While I was on my way out I heard him whisper, "please don't tell daddy". He followed me to the guest room and he continued to ask me if I can listen to his selfish request. At this point, I asked him to leave my room and I locked the door. Idk what to do. Did I react too much and made a big deal out of it? Should I tell his parents, my brother and my sister-in law, about what happened? I am worried that my brother might do something bad because I know his temper. Or should I tell my sister-in-law? I am also worried on how she would react to this. I honestly don't have very much interaction with my nephew prior to this incident. And I have very little knowledge on how to deal with a person with ASD. I now feel uncomfortable to go back to their house.

I think he was trying to ask a grown up about a confusing topic thats he’s understood he’s not allowed to mention around his dad and maybe also not his mom. I bet he’s been told “that’s private,” “that’s for grown ups,” and maybe some more stern things that’s given him the impression that it’s “bad” and that’s why he felt like he needed to ask a grown up in a “private” space about what it is. I totally get how that’s an alarming situation to be in it I think he is trying to follow the rules as he’s understood them but also get answers., I'm concerned that you're not comfortable to talk to your bro about what happened "because he might do something bad" due to his temper. Like is this kid ok??? Are his parents hurting him that you're afraid how they would react? If so it needs to be reported and he needs help. Does he have safe adults in his life?This is a child with asd. Yes, it's strange he locked the door and phrased his question that way but he's still a kid with special needs. I definitely wouldn't say anything to your brother if you think he's going to hurt him over it. It does not sound like he actually did anything wrong. It was strange, yes, but he didn't hurt you. I hope this kid does have someone he can trust and confide in... I don't think there's anything more you can do but let it go. If you're really worried direct him to ask his therapist or someone neutral like that. Does he have a case manager? Contact them if you can to have them check on him or connect him to someone who can help. It sounds like he needs it., Hi I’m sorry you went through that. I appreciate you trying to help this child inspite of your discomfort about his behaviour. If you’re willing, maybe you could be his trusted figure. He feels you’re safe enough to ask difficult questions. Learning about ASD is pretty easy with all the resources online. Maybe take him out in public and talk to him? Even if it’s the local park or backyard. You might feel a lot more comfortable in a public space and doesn’t sound like his parents will make it better, or they could be the cause of it. Physically or otherwise Abused kids tend to get promiscuous faster to get an alternate source of love. It could simply be curiosity too. If you’re not interested in being his trusted figure, please advocate for therapy for him. Sounds like he needs someone he can openly talk to., I’m not a SA victim, so I can’t relate… I’m sorry about your situation. I would hear him out/maybe in daylight. He was asking you something that he might have been afraid of asking his parents. I’m sure it’s nothing terrible. He’s a child, I am sorry you were scared. I've worked with the ASD population as a board certified behavior analyst for 14 years and a k-12 teacher 8 years before that. For 3 years, I directed a 17-25 year old program where we taught work and social skills. What you described sounds scary, and I'm so sorry you were frightened. I, too, have been a victim of SA many times, and the behaviors I have witnessed have made me feel the same way, but somehow also helpful for me. And so here I am, many years later, doing the same job which i love. :) From what you described, your nephew sounds like he is still showing a lot of signs of autism. I would not try to tackle this yourself. While I do believe he did not mean you harm, this could escalate with hormones raging, and if you throw in a scream from you or possibly saying the wrong thing, it might go further. Teaching social skills is tricky because it is so nuanced, but there are a lot of YouTube videos and if you happen to be going there for a visit, looking at a few could give you confidence and help him too. But the sex Ed, I would leave to a professional therapist. The problem is that finding one is super difficult. And if course, getting his parents on board is tough. If I were working with them, I would do this by a dose of reality by asking questions like: what it if he did this to a stranger and got assaulted himself? But that would take them getting to the therapist for that to happen.... I feel for this young man. I don't know where you live, but the PEERS program out of UCLA is the best I know of. If you look then up, they can let you know if there are any people in your area that run these groups. Every time I've seen them run, I'm in awe of how the young adults thrive. There's a show called Love on the Spectrum, which is tons of fun to watch, and they mention that most of the people on that show went through the program. I wish I had an answer on how to approach the parents, but IMO, that is definitely what needs to happen. They are his guardians, and unless they've been abusive, they should take part in this. I don't know what your culture is, but if you want to share more, maybe about a particular religion/ country, I could try to find a Segway. Surely, they understand a desire to have sex and his language limitations. They had him after all. :), As a mother I would want to know if my teenaged son acts the way that can be perceived as dangerous, so contacting SIL sounds like the best course of action to me., Thank you for providing this. I am also reflecting and realized that I may have reacted too negatively. I was triggered when I saw him lock the door., We grew up in a conservative household where these kind of topics are very hard to talk to about. I may have use a wrong word such as “bad”. English is not my first language. What I meant is I don’t know how my brother would react when I tell him. Rest assured that my nephew is well taken care of and no one is hurting him. Again, this is a topic that we tend not to discuss that’s why I was taken aback. And due to my previous experience, the door being locked was a trigger for me that’s why I also reacted that way., Afaik he goes to therapy regularly, is mentioning this to his therapist better? As much as I want to be his trusted figure, I live states away from them and only see them once or twice a year. I do want to be his advocate. I think it was out of curiosity too. I am just worried that if he does it the next time and with other people outside our family members they might react more negatively., Thank you. I already returned home and will probably not visit them again in few more months. I live states away from them. Do you think discussing this with his parents over the phone will be a good idea?, Thank you. This is very insightful, I will try go talk with my SIL about this. Afaik my nephew regularly sees a therapist. If it’s ok, Can I private message you about my location?, Idk that's tough. I can't relate to conservative households that pretend like sex doesn't exist. I don't think it's healthy. But it's probably not your place to tell your brother and sister in law that. But pretending sex doesn't happen and isn't a natural part of life is actually putting him at risk because he doesn't have understanding or knowledge of these things. Maybe talk to him and just say "I'm sorry I can't help you with your question but here is who can..." And refer him to his doctor to ask on his next visit or something if his parents won't., I don’t think so. If he wanted to talk to his parents then he wouldn’t have asked you. I have a child on the autism spectrum. I don’t think he wanted to molest you. He has a hard time expressing himself and clearly has no one to turn to. It’s sad he’s afraid of his dad, Hi, yes, you can message me, I'll do my best to help!, I understand, being an SA victim really did not help me be open to discuss this kind of things. I am also not sure how they discuss it within their family. I do want to mention it to his parents, maybe his therapist can also help him with it., Thank you for giving some light to this topic! It really helped a lot. I will definitely try to talk with him again about his question once I visit them again., It’s ok. It’s passed now. You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Given your conservative upbringing and traumatic experience, it’s understandable that this is not on your comfort level.

How to boost immunity in kids

Hey folks, My son was diagnosed as autistic at 2.6 years of age, and he's currently undergoing therapy. He's on GFCF diet with food restrictions. Major problem is with his immunity. He frequently falls sick - cold, followed by fever and cough. Though we try hard not to use antibiotics and anti-allergic medications, we sometimes end up using them to control fever. Are there any "natural" options to improve immunity in kids?

We kindly ask that you ask your doctor for medical advise and not the subreddit as we are not doctors., Well rounded diets and meeting vitamin needs is important. If your child has an infection and is prescribed antibiotics they should be following that medical advice, same with allergies/allergy medication, it’s miserable not having allergy medication while having symptoms. This sounds above Reddit’s capabilities and you should see you child’s healthcare provider. There could be something more serious wrong if he’s regularly having fevers.

How to deal with unsolicited advice?

(TLDR below) I have 3 kids, 2 ADHD, possible ASD, one of them possible ODD, and one with sensory processing disorder and pediatric feeding disorder. All my friends have NT kids, so I intentionally don’t vent or overly share to them because I know they won’t understand where I’m coming from on certain things. A friend of mine/coworker asked me today if I had finished preparing a presentation I’m giving next week. I told her unfortunately I haven’t, because my husband has been working late and unable to help with the kids. For reference, she has 3 NT kids that are older than mine. Instead of ending the conversation, she went on (like she has many times) with a ton of unsolicited advice about what I can do with the kids in order to get my work done. Examples: Let my littlest play by herself outside (she’s two, can’t go a second unsupervised, and behind on motor skills), or push her in a stroller while I listen to podcasts on the research subject (she does not tolerate the stroller), or do it after bedtime. That really got me—I told my friend it’s hard to do work that late because a lot of times the kids don’t all go down until 11pm. They all have varying levels of difficulty going to bed, falling asleep, and staying asleep and need extra help and comfort measures. My friend’s head spun at the bedtime info. She said “Oh that’s way too late for their ages! That’s so unhealthy!! I’m not judging you— parenting is hard, I get it—but you really have to put your foot down on getting them to bed!” Then she launched into her discipline advice, how it worked for her kids, and she has no more problems, and I just need to be tougher blah blah. All over a simple question about my presentation, and I’m having to defend parenting of my ND kids. Has anyone experienced a similar situation with people who just don’t get it? What do you say? How do you handle it? TLDR: friend who is a parent of NT kids judging my parenting and giving unsolicited advice. I haven’t been able to get her to understand that my kids ARE NOT THE SAME as hers.

Smile, nod, make noncommittal noises and change the subject ASAP. If you are close, politely tell her that your parenting is off limits for critique., That's just small talk. I'd say, "Maybe I'll try some of that- thanks." Then I'd change the subject., I say “thank you for your advice, but due to my child’s medical complexity, that is not feasible.” That often gets them to STFU and give you some grace., You have to not talk about your kids to those specific people who are like that…and its hard because the reasons work isnt done or finished are because of your kids. I guess you could of said nope, working on it. And leave it at that. Keep it real short. Im having a hard time with the whole explaining myself and learning i dont have to explain anything to anyone. (Im an over sharer, and thats what gets me into trouble because it is an open door invite to suggestions i dont or wont want to hear because frankly it wont apply to my kids) . For instance my husbands close coworker asked several times on different occasions “is your kid okay? “ because he had mentioned us having to drive out of town for an autism eval. I personally would have told him, but my husband said hes fine, just an appointment and then switched the subject. I was like dang thats how you shut it down? So simple and so direct., This is where the information diet is critical, IMO. Did you get the presentation done? "No." Why not? "Many reasons." Well, which ones? "Oh, nothing I'd like to get into, I will have it done by X." She doesn't need details. She's a coworker, not a boss, and as long as you have everything done by their deadlines, any personal reasons really don't matter. Some people, you just can't confide in. She sounds better as a more distant friend. Sometimes, you just have to create those boundaries with people. For us, it was my in-laws, so they really don't know anything happening in our personal lives anymore., I would just say, “Are your kids ND?”, Perhaps you can invite her to watch your kids for one night so you can get caught up 😌 But in all seriousness I don’t share with people who are that clueless to their level of privilege., Print out articles on autism and ADHD, combine them with articles regarding parenting children on the Spectrum and leave them on her desk for her to see and read.... maybe the penny will drop., I would probably stumble over the conversation. Then, I would remember for next time to offer her less information about my children or family life., My go-to for my 2-yo lil guy is “Well, you’re welcome to come try to get him down.” I’m a member of the 11 PM bedtime club., It’s sad but bonding over the shared experience of child rearing is much harder when you’ve got kiddos with special needs, ND, or whatever. Some people are lovely about it and so supportive. But a lot of the time you get someone who is either looks down their nose at you or asks a million questions and clearly pities you. Both suck. I’ve learned pretty quickly who to give the bare minimum info to and who genuinely cares., I just tell people let me know when you’ve raised a child with (insert DX) and then give me advice. The thing NT parents don’t understand is we’ve tried all the typical things obviously. I seriously wonder when people give me advice like that if they just think I am stupid? Bc it’s like duh I’ve tried the most trivial advice that applies to most kids. The worst was a family member asking me if I’ve tried explaining and talking everything to my 5 year old non verbal son. I almost lost my shit. It’s a punch in the gut for sure. But instead I replied the truth yeah I’ve been doing that since he was 6 months old. I don’t think they mean harm but as ND parents we blame ourselves so much when the truth is no amount of doing things differently is going to change the fact our kids are ND., Noncommittal noises is my go-to., Yep agree! That’s what I’ve said so far. She just keeps doing it and doesn’t seem to accept parenting different types of kids isn’t the same, Really good point! I’ve learned to do that for the most part. I’d rather shut things down and say everything’s fine, I’m fine, rather than explaining the same thing over and over and then not having updates or “improvements” that people want to hear about. This one friend in the post has become closer to me, so I’ve tried to be more open and honest about my life. It’s really frustrating that she just doesn’t get it. She thinks she can relate because she’s a mom and her kids are older so she’s “been there”, but I can’t seem to convey that it’s not the same. Just because I share some information, it doesn’t mean I’m looking for advice, or a “fix”., This is what I do. Sometimes I even spell out what I mean by ND., 🤣 I’ve considered asking if she wants to come over and hang out for an afternoon/evening to see what it’s like. Then I’ll take her suggestions haha. Yes I agree. She seems to be so aware of privilege in other aspects of life but just so frustratingly unaware of what living with/parenting neurodiversity is like., Yes! 👏 I’ll have to use that one haha, Not sure why my previous comment was being downvoted, but I’ll delete and rephrase and just say I agree, it does feel like people giving these suggestions think we’re stupid. Of course all the obvious things have been tried., Well, in that case I’ve got nothing. I’d probably just keep saying it and feel bored every time., I have that problem with my husbands side of the family. They are the no labels type, adhd and autism arent real kind of thing… one of them recently got mad that i put my daughter in speech therapy lol. I have to be very careful and be surface level when talking about kids and not open up about anything. Im glad you are close with your co worker but it might be the type that you may need to hold at arms length. If she doesnt get it now shes being willfully ignorant and likely will never get it or respect how you need to be respected. Thats the hard part! Its so isolating as it is..and having to be careful what things you can or cant say to anyone is awful. There should be freedom with out judgment ., Keep me updated on how it goes. I feel like I can barely take care of one ND kid some days. You, like my sister-in-law, who has four ND kids under the age of fifteen, are a rock star. I just wanted you to know I see you and all the hard work you do., Which is so wrong because we know so much more than they will ever about our children. What gets me is when I do try to explain then I'm "just making excuses " for my child., I agreed with your previous comment for sure! Idk why it would be downvoted, Aw thank you ❤️

How to desensitize to certain noises?

My 6yo screams anytime he hears a baby cry. At home Ave w/my family it’s avoidable because no one has like babies anymore. It’s becoming a problem in public. He meltsdown at restaurants, stores, anywhere he hears a baby. It’s getting hard to take him places and now my husband is mad I opted out of eating at a buffet because our son heard a baby and kept screaming. He thinks it’s my fault and we have to work through it, I’m open to working through it in a low stakes environment but not at a crowded restaurant with a dozen strangers.

Could you try having noise cancelling headphones on hand and give him the option to put them on if he hears a baby crying? My daughter does the same with babies crying or singing happy birthday in restaurants so we take headphones and that helps her tolerate it, I can’t believe I’m recommending a baby alive doll, the first two days I thought it was the black mirror episode where Miley Cyrus voices a creepy AI doll but Miley is way less annoying. We got ours at target, both of them. The older child one moves it eyes cries and grows hair, the little baby one doesn’t make noise but eats and poops food dye only on the white part of my rainbow rugs. , You could explain to him why the baby is crying if he is upset that he doesn't under stand or get him a good pair of noise defenders if it's a sensory issue ., I totally understand the predicament. Our daughter developed an intense adverse reaction to cat noises (*any* noises: sneezes, purrs, meows, obviously hisses and growls) after our one cat made a loud noise at her like two years ago. It’s been a real challenge (and we’re always having ups and downs) because we have two cats, and they’re good cats, but our daughter just…doesn’t like the noises they make. Our one therapist made a good point that we could just shield from the noise, but eventually we may go to someone’s house with a noisy cat, or walk down a toy aisle with a meowing toy, see a hissing cat in a movie, etc. So it’s good to address it. I think a Baby Alive doll at home is a great idea. Low stakes, like you said., Some (many?) kids don't habituate to noise, so it's often not helpful to teach desensitization per se as in trying to get him used to the sound. You should try adaptations like earplugs or ear defenders. That doesn't mean that you can't work with your son on trying to adapt his response so that he doesn't scream, but it may work better to work on it in a hypothetical way rather than exposing him to the sound over and over., Is he able to grasp the concept that babies are very easily startled/frightened, so if you scream near a baby, you are going to make them cry more?, I can’t believe I’m rushing to buy a baby alive doll at target but here we are (I sure as hell didn’t want to bring home the real thing), I tried. I even wrote it down since he understands written things better. We are working with a therapist on this issue, I believe there are boy ones, if your boy doesn’t reject it as too feminine count yourself as lucky. I once tried to buy a 7 year old ADHD boy an our generation doll that legitimately looked just like him (my exes kid) he was all about being the wrecking ball and said it was too girly., Hopefully it helps, the only other thing I can think of would be take him out of the situation , like go to the car or go outside but I know that's not always possible .

How to divide attention

How do you handle when your autistic kiddos requires so much that you feel like your other kids are being neglected from the attention they need? Our 3yo is autistic and we've been doing in home ABA. We're struggling more than ever though. Today he has required my full attention almost all day with major outbursts and meltdowns. It's been to the point that our 18mo isn't getting the attention she needs. For example it took me and his RBT 25 minutes in the bathroom to get his pants on and him repeatedly locking me out as I attempted to settle baby girl down. He was lashing out big time and I had to put baby in her crib with a few toys while we tried to handle him because the crib is at least a safe space. Now 3yo is in his room for quiet time and I can't get 18mo to settle at all or go into her crib for her much needed nap, probably because I left her crying in the crib for 15 minutes. I had a breakdown myself. I just don't know what to do anymore and I hate that feelings of resentment toward our son are starting to pop up in my head because I never get to give our daughter everything she needs.

Forgive me, and I am asking out of nothing but love and concern, but why did it take 25 minutes for you and the RBT to get pants on your boy? I love ABA and have done it for 15 years as a paraprofessional but I am trying to think of a scenario where I would encourage a mother of a young toddler to keep fighting that battle with a 3 year old while the toddler becomes upset. This is not the intervention for him right now if it upsets your daughter. He can be pants less for a bit while you tend to his sister. He can learn to put his pants on when he is 4...or 5 and the baby is more independent. I sort of want to know what the plan is and if it is increasing your son's frustration and perhaps worsening the outbursts and meltdowns? Do you think it is also causing your little girl to begin to have some issues? Because if things are getting more intense with that therapy, you can request to change the goals or even take a break from it until the baby is a bit older. You said you have been doing aba and are struggling more than ever. That is kind of a red flag for me. It shouldn't be that way. I hope this doesn't come off any way other than a genuine concern because although I love aba...if it isn't done well it can be harmful. I am so, so sorry that you are all going through this. I have 6 total and number 5 has level 3 asd. My last child was born when he was 14 months old. I remember the crying vividly and trying to tend to everyone. It is so tough. I just want to make sure the therapy isn't making an already hard situation even harder., What is your living set up like? Do you work? Do you stay at home? Do all the kids stay at home? I personally prefer in-clinic ABA. My son has been going to a clinic since he was 2. He will be 5 in less than 6 months. I work. My youngest stayed at home with a nanny until she was almost 2. I got to spend a lot of individual time with her as well. Now she goes to daycare. Dividing attention between young kids is hard. Having helpers (nanny, daycare etc) helps., Forgive me, and I am asking out of nothing but love and concern, but why did it take 25 minutes for you and the RBT to get pants on your boy? I love ABA and have done it for 15 years as a paraprofessional but I am trying to think of a scenario where I would encourage a mother of a young toddler to keep fighting that battle with a 3 year old while the toddler becomes upset. This is not the intervention for him right now if it upsets your daughter. He can be pants less for a bit while you tend to his sister. He can learn to put his pants on when he is 4...or 5 and the baby is more independent. I sort of want to know what the plan is and if it is increasing your son's frustration and perhaps worsening the outbursts and meltdowns? Do you think it is also causing your little girl to begin to have some issues? Because if things are getting more intense with that therapy, you can request to change the goals or even take a break from it until the baby is a bit older. You said you have been doing aba and are struggling more than ever. That is kind of a red flag for me. It shouldn't be that way. I hope this doesn't come off any way other than a genuine concern because although I love aba...if it isn't done well it can be harmful. I am so, so sorry that you are all going through this. I have 6 total and number 5 has level 3 asd. My last child was born when he was 14 months old. I remember the crying vividly and trying to tend to everyone. It is so tough. I just want to make sure the therapy isn't making an already hard situation even harder., What is your living set up like? Do you work? Do you stay at home? Do all the kids stay at home? I personally prefer in-clinic ABA. My son has been going to a clinic since he was 2. He will be 5 in less than 6 months. I work. My youngest stayed at home with a nanny until she was almost 2. I got to spend a lot of individual time with her as well. Now she goes to daycare. Dividing attention between young kids is hard. Having helpers (nanny, daycare etc) helps., Forgive me, and I am asking out of nothing but love and concern, but why did it take 25 minutes for you and the RBT to get pants on your boy? I love ABA and have done it for 15 years as a paraprofessional but I am trying to think of a scenario where I would encourage a mother of a young toddler to keep fighting that battle with a 3 year old while the toddler becomes upset. This is not the intervention for him right now if it upsets your daughter. He can be pants less for a bit while you tend to his sister. He can learn to put his pants on when he is 4...or 5 and the baby is more independent. I sort of want to know what the plan is and if it is increasing your son's frustration and perhaps worsening the outbursts and meltdowns? Do you think it is also causing your little girl to begin to have some issues? Because if things are getting more intense with that therapy, you can request to change the goals or even take a break from it until the baby is a bit older. You said you have been doing aba and are struggling more than ever. That is kind of a red flag for me. It shouldn't be that way. I hope this doesn't come off any way other than a genuine concern because although I love aba...if it isn't done well it can be harmful. I am so, so sorry that you are all going through this. I have 6 total and number 5 has level 3 asd. My last child was born when he was 14 months old. I remember the crying vividly and trying to tend to everyone. It is so tough. I just want to make sure the therapy isn't making an already hard situation even harder., What is your living set up like? Do you work? Do you stay at home? Do all the kids stay at home? I personally prefer in-clinic ABA. My son has been going to a clinic since he was 2. He will be 5 in less than 6 months. I work. My youngest stayed at home with a nanny until she was almost 2. I got to spend a lot of individual time with her as well. Now she goes to daycare. Dividing attention between young kids is hard. Having helpers (nanny, daycare etc) helps., Forgive me, and I am asking out of nothing but love and concern, but why did it take 25 minutes for you and the RBT to get pants on your boy? I love ABA and have done it for 15 years as a paraprofessional but I am trying to think of a scenario where I would encourage a mother of a young toddler to keep fighting that battle with a 3 year old while the toddler becomes upset. This is not the intervention for him right now if it upsets your daughter. He can be pants less for a bit while you tend to his sister. He can learn to put his pants on when he is 4...or 5 and the baby is more independent. I sort of want to know what the plan is and if it is increasing your son's frustration and perhaps worsening the outbursts and meltdowns? Do you think it is also causing your little girl to begin to have some issues? Because if things are getting more intense with that therapy, you can request to change the goals or even take a break from it until the baby is a bit older. You said you have been doing aba and are struggling more than ever. That is kind of a red flag for me. It shouldn't be that way. I hope this doesn't come off any way other than a genuine concern because although I love aba...if it isn't done well it can be harmful. I am so, so sorry that you are all going through this. I have 6 total and number 5 has level 3 asd. My last child was born when he was 14 months old. I remember the crying vividly and trying to tend to everyone. It is so tough. I just want to make sure the therapy isn't making an already hard situation even harder., What is your living set up like? Do you work? Do you stay at home? Do all the kids stay at home? I personally prefer in-clinic ABA. My son has been going to a clinic since he was 2. He will be 5 in less than 6 months. I work. My youngest stayed at home with a nanny until she was almost 2. I got to spend a lot of individual time with her as well. Now she goes to daycare. Dividing attention between young kids is hard. Having helpers (nanny, daycare etc) helps.

How to explain when they can’t get what they want

My (8f) child does not understand the word “no”. When she doesn’t get her way she throws violent tantrums where she hits us, hits herself, screams at the top of her lungs for hours. Doesn’t matter if we’ve compromised on something else because she’s never satisfied, she always wants something, every minute she’s awake. If we get her a toy she wants 3 more and doesn’t even play with any of it. It’s so frustrating. Time outs don’t work, talking it out (like it did when my other two, 16f & 14m, were younger) doesn’t work either. Neither does ignoring it. It drives me crazy.

My son’s therapist in the past has advised to not react to their behaviors when they’re denied something., I deny but offer an alternative that is liked just as much. This helps sometimes but not always, My nearly-6 year old is the same. No amount of calm explanations makes him understand why he can’t have and do whatever he wants all the time. Honestly, I just have to walk away. He just has to get over it., My son does this occasionally. The only thing I can do is I try really hard not to say no but also really hard not to say yes either. And instead I'll just stall. I'll be like oh let me look for that and go off for awhile. Sometimes once he calms down enough he moves on finally., We had this issue pretty bad as well, after trying everything we tried medication. Combined with everything else we are growing past it., Look into pathological defiance disorder. Affects girls with autism and the traditional parenting methods simply don't work. Some good books available from parents who have learned some strategies., I advise to always try redirecting, but if it doesn’t work walk away for your own sanity. Once she’s calm and accept your approach, you comfort her and help her understand if possible what happened and why you said no., Sounds like pathological demand avoidance. Try to do anything besides saying no. Like still deny the request, but tap dance around it? Also, any comorbidities along with ASD? My kid that I believe struggles with PAD has ADHD combined type along and is borderline ODD. As long as you don't demand anything and spin everything, she can be redirected. However, she has been on ADHD meds since she was almost 6, and that has made a huge difference is being able to redirect her. As a woman with ADHD that spent almost 50 years of her life unmedicated, I understand the behaviors better than I'd like to admit, so I understand where these compulsions come from. Your brain is just itching for that thing and it's hard to get it on another track. Meds help immensely with this, even for this mama., I understand this is the best way, but does anyone have any advice as to when the child gets destructive. My 7 year old son will throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way and if we ignore him he starts throwing things and smashing things around the house. I want to ignore him, but he will literally destroy the house when we do., Unfortunately even when she gets an alternative she will either go back to the original wanted item or move on to something she also can’t have., I stall too but dang his memory is so good lol, What medication?, Any recommendations for books?, Honestly I have a 9 year old who has had a couple of episodes and they’ve recommended removing myself from the situation for safety measures. I’ve had to lock myself in another room or bathroom till my son calms down (which he would fairly quickly but if it’s longer idk what I’d do). I was a bit surprised myself when I was told “a tv is replaceable but you aren’t” and yes that’s true but also, I’m a single parent who can’t afford another tv out of the blue. I think it’s a matter of picking battles sometimes but also finding ways to get the kids educated so they work through it. I’m currently waiting to go to a consultation with a counselor (maybe anger management will help) as well as considering medication., Gusnfacine given after school, this is in combination with therapy, and maintaining very ridged routines. The violent meltdowns have gone way down and they were really bad for a while.

How to get a song out of child's head??

My daughter (4) is now obsessed with my little pony and has found a song she loves. She watches it over and over and sings it constantly. I'm usually five with her stims but this is starting to get to be too much. Any tips??

I don’t know. I don’t think a day has gone by without me hearing the Twelve Days of Christmas., Ear plugs for you. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes., I don't even know how to get songs out of my head and go around singing/humming them out loud every chance I get., My son makes a playlist on my Spotify account and I connect his Bluetooth headphones. He listens to all the songs he wants until he's had his fill for the day. It won't just go away, you need to find ways to embrace and accept it. It's regulating for them!, Barbie Girl seems to override any other song that my daughter sings. Only rarely is an improvement, but I'll take it any day over "this is what heartbreak feels like", I'm currently singing the song from the Simpsons which was the Planet of the Apes stage show. We've been watching the Simpsons obsessively for several months now. The other one is the bluey theme tune.... which I heard my partner whistling while he washed up yesterday. So in answer, I don't know but I understand and share the pain., Non Austic kids do this too. We announce "Name! You are in a loop!" to try to get them to be aware they need to switch. Then we usually get lucky and they choose another something to fixate on until they get told again... :), I usually just try and replace it with something I like 🤣 seriously my son kept saying this little rhyme and it was driving me crazy so eventually I started singing my own constantly until he started doing it…. It drives me crazy but it’s better than the last one, Im pretty sure I have heard every version of old McDonald had a farm., I, Aspie dad, teach my Aspie kid to listen to music or an audiobook to satisfy the verbal stim., Try to focus on singing the song backwards in your head. It's helped me on occasdion., Is it over and over again? How do you not lose your mind?, Facts. Rihanna- Please dont stop the music was my nunber one played song on spotify for 2022. 🤷🏾‍♀️ We've moved on now to a more mixed playlist but it just kinda happened naturally. Maybe try playing songs in the same vain?, I can’t help with the my little pony song but I do have help with seasonal songs. We explained that you can only sing the song in the season and if you catch someone singing the song outside the season, you get a gummy bear (this is a massive prize in our household). My husband would occasionally sing the song in question and let our kid „catch“ him. Not saying this is was the method that worked in the end. It may have just died out on its own, but it’s an idea. We stopped hearing an early November holiday song (St Martin) in early February., Oh I am now a little scared my daughter will somehow know I read this. And she will start singing the 12 days of Christmas again. Every couple of months she starts singing it and just won’t stop. And she has to do the full, long version. More like shouting than singing., I believe it really is a loop. Loops happen., I have learned that this works well for my son when he’s in a verbal stim loop. We have comfortable noise canceling headphones and it at least gives us a break for a bit., Oh yeah. Then he changes the lyrics and goes higher than 12. Sometimes he puts it on Alexa. It was a dark day when he discovered the Pentatonix version. It’s a new fresh hell every day. It’s been months if not since Christmas 2022., If she’s watching it on an iPad or smartphone, you can always tell her that it’s ok if she prefers to hear it over and over but you prefer not….and give her some Bluetooth noise canceling headphones to listen to her hearts content! I have done this., I don’t know. I don’t think a day has gone by without me hearing the Twelve Days of Christmas., Ear plugs for you. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes., I don't even know how to get songs out of my head and go around singing/humming them out loud every chance I get., My son makes a playlist on my Spotify account and I connect his Bluetooth headphones. He listens to all the songs he wants until he's had his fill for the day. It won't just go away, you need to find ways to embrace and accept it. It's regulating for them!, Barbie Girl seems to override any other song that my daughter sings. Only rarely is an improvement, but I'll take it any day over "this is what heartbreak feels like", I'm currently singing the song from the Simpsons which was the Planet of the Apes stage show. We've been watching the Simpsons obsessively for several months now. The other one is the bluey theme tune.... which I heard my partner whistling while he washed up yesterday. So in answer, I don't know but I understand and share the pain., Non Austic kids do this too. We announce "Name! You are in a loop!" to try to get them to be aware they need to switch. Then we usually get lucky and they choose another something to fixate on until they get told again... :), I usually just try and replace it with something I like 🤣 seriously my son kept saying this little rhyme and it was driving me crazy so eventually I started singing my own constantly until he started doing it…. It drives me crazy but it’s better than the last one, Im pretty sure I have heard every version of old McDonald had a farm., I, Aspie dad, teach my Aspie kid to listen to music or an audiobook to satisfy the verbal stim., Try to focus on singing the song backwards in your head. It's helped me on occasdion., Is it over and over again? How do you not lose your mind?, Facts. Rihanna- Please dont stop the music was my nunber one played song on spotify for 2022. 🤷🏾‍♀️ We've moved on now to a more mixed playlist but it just kinda happened naturally. Maybe try playing songs in the same vain?, I can’t help with the my little pony song but I do have help with seasonal songs. We explained that you can only sing the song in the season and if you catch someone singing the song outside the season, you get a gummy bear (this is a massive prize in our household). My husband would occasionally sing the song in question and let our kid „catch“ him. Not saying this is was the method that worked in the end. It may have just died out on its own, but it’s an idea. We stopped hearing an early November holiday song (St Martin) in early February., Oh I am now a little scared my daughter will somehow know I read this. And she will start singing the 12 days of Christmas again. Every couple of months she starts singing it and just won’t stop. And she has to do the full, long version. More like shouting than singing., I believe it really is a loop. Loops happen., I have learned that this works well for my son when he’s in a verbal stim loop. We have comfortable noise canceling headphones and it at least gives us a break for a bit., Oh yeah. Then he changes the lyrics and goes higher than 12. Sometimes he puts it on Alexa. It was a dark day when he discovered the Pentatonix version. It’s a new fresh hell every day. It’s been months if not since Christmas 2022., If she’s watching it on an iPad or smartphone, you can always tell her that it’s ok if she prefers to hear it over and over but you prefer not….and give her some Bluetooth noise canceling headphones to listen to her hearts content! I have done this., I don’t know. I don’t think a day has gone by without me hearing the Twelve Days of Christmas., Ear plugs for you. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes., I don't even know how to get songs out of my head and go around singing/humming them out loud every chance I get., My son makes a playlist on my Spotify account and I connect his Bluetooth headphones. He listens to all the songs he wants until he's had his fill for the day. It won't just go away, you need to find ways to embrace and accept it. It's regulating for them!, Barbie Girl seems to override any other song that my daughter sings. Only rarely is an improvement, but I'll take it any day over "this is what heartbreak feels like", I'm currently singing the song from the Simpsons which was the Planet of the Apes stage show. We've been watching the Simpsons obsessively for several months now. The other one is the bluey theme tune.... which I heard my partner whistling while he washed up yesterday. So in answer, I don't know but I understand and share the pain., Non Austic kids do this too. We announce "Name! You are in a loop!" to try to get them to be aware they need to switch. Then we usually get lucky and they choose another something to fixate on until they get told again... :), I usually just try and replace it with something I like 🤣 seriously my son kept saying this little rhyme and it was driving me crazy so eventually I started singing my own constantly until he started doing it…. It drives me crazy but it’s better than the last one, Im pretty sure I have heard every version of old McDonald had a farm., I, Aspie dad, teach my Aspie kid to listen to music or an audiobook to satisfy the verbal stim., Try to focus on singing the song backwards in your head. It's helped me on occasdion., Is it over and over again? How do you not lose your mind?, Facts. Rihanna- Please dont stop the music was my nunber one played song on spotify for 2022. 🤷🏾‍♀️ We've moved on now to a more mixed playlist but it just kinda happened naturally. Maybe try playing songs in the same vain?, I can’t help with the my little pony song but I do have help with seasonal songs. We explained that you can only sing the song in the season and if you catch someone singing the song outside the season, you get a gummy bear (this is a massive prize in our household). My husband would occasionally sing the song in question and let our kid „catch“ him. Not saying this is was the method that worked in the end. It may have just died out on its own, but it’s an idea. We stopped hearing an early November holiday song (St Martin) in early February., Oh I am now a little scared my daughter will somehow know I read this. And she will start singing the 12 days of Christmas again. Every couple of months she starts singing it and just won’t stop. And she has to do the full, long version. More like shouting than singing., I believe it really is a loop. Loops happen., I have learned that this works well for my son when he’s in a verbal stim loop. We have comfortable noise canceling headphones and it at least gives us a break for a bit., Oh yeah. Then he changes the lyrics and goes higher than 12. Sometimes he puts it on Alexa. It was a dark day when he discovered the Pentatonix version. It’s a new fresh hell every day. It’s been months if not since Christmas 2022., If she’s watching it on an iPad or smartphone, you can always tell her that it’s ok if she prefers to hear it over and over but you prefer not….and give her some Bluetooth noise canceling headphones to listen to her hearts content! I have done this., I don’t know. I don’t think a day has gone by without me hearing the Twelve Days of Christmas., Ear plugs for you. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes., I don't even know how to get songs out of my head and go around singing/humming them out loud every chance I get., My son makes a playlist on my Spotify account and I connect his Bluetooth headphones. He listens to all the songs he wants until he's had his fill for the day. It won't just go away, you need to find ways to embrace and accept it. It's regulating for them!, Barbie Girl seems to override any other song that my daughter sings. Only rarely is an improvement, but I'll take it any day over "this is what heartbreak feels like", I'm currently singing the song from the Simpsons which was the Planet of the Apes stage show. We've been watching the Simpsons obsessively for several months now. The other one is the bluey theme tune.... which I heard my partner whistling while he washed up yesterday. So in answer, I don't know but I understand and share the pain., Non Austic kids do this too. We announce "Name! You are in a loop!" to try to get them to be aware they need to switch. Then we usually get lucky and they choose another something to fixate on until they get told again... :), I usually just try and replace it with something I like 🤣 seriously my son kept saying this little rhyme and it was driving me crazy so eventually I started singing my own constantly until he started doing it…. It drives me crazy but it’s better than the last one, Im pretty sure I have heard every version of old McDonald had a farm., I, Aspie dad, teach my Aspie kid to listen to music or an audiobook to satisfy the verbal stim., Try to focus on singing the song backwards in your head. It's helped me on occasdion., Is it over and over again? How do you not lose your mind?, Facts. Rihanna- Please dont stop the music was my nunber one played song on spotify for 2022. 🤷🏾‍♀️ We've moved on now to a more mixed playlist but it just kinda happened naturally. Maybe try playing songs in the same vain?, I can’t help with the my little pony song but I do have help with seasonal songs. We explained that you can only sing the song in the season and if you catch someone singing the song outside the season, you get a gummy bear (this is a massive prize in our household). My husband would occasionally sing the song in question and let our kid „catch“ him. Not saying this is was the method that worked in the end. It may have just died out on its own, but it’s an idea. We stopped hearing an early November holiday song (St Martin) in early February., Oh I am now a little scared my daughter will somehow know I read this. And she will start singing the 12 days of Christmas again. Every couple of months she starts singing it and just won’t stop. And she has to do the full, long version. More like shouting than singing., I believe it really is a loop. Loops happen., I have learned that this works well for my son when he’s in a verbal stim loop. We have comfortable noise canceling headphones and it at least gives us a break for a bit., Oh yeah. Then he changes the lyrics and goes higher than 12. Sometimes he puts it on Alexa. It was a dark day when he discovered the Pentatonix version. It’s a new fresh hell every day. It’s been months if not since Christmas 2022., If she’s watching it on an iPad or smartphone, you can always tell her that it’s ok if she prefers to hear it over and over but you prefer not….and give her some Bluetooth noise canceling headphones to listen to her hearts content! I have done this.

How to get crayon off the wall?

my son just drew all on his grandma’s wall, she is gojng to freak!!! i need help removing it

Magic eraser, I literally used a baby wipe where the kiddos colored on our walls and it came right off. 🤷 Admittedly it wasn’t this much 😂, Blow dryer, it's melts the wax and you can just wipe it off, Seconding magic eraser., First go over it with baby wipes and any wax that’s left behind can be removed with a warm scrub daddy., Magic eraser, I’ve used rubbing alcohol and it worked really well., If it's crayon I agree with melting it and then wiping off. And then maybe finish off with magic eraser? We rent and I just did a huge part of our wall with the magic eraser because my son found a pen and went to town. Worked great and you don't have to scrub hard, Place long strips of wall molding in a rectangle around it to make it look like a large picture frame and date the artwork. Keep the memory., After magic eraser, try krud kutter. I use it to erase graffiti crayon regularly., Baking soda sprinkled on the wall with a wet rag will take it off and not the paint., Spray with WD40. It will wipe right off!, But ALL washable! But as of now, Mr clean magical eraser, Magic erasers are truly magical, invest in a bunch of them!, Windex or vinegar, Depending on the crayons and the paint (and the weather, time of day, phase of the moon, etc) wet wipes work surprisingly well, My mom said she always used toothpaste prior to the magic clean eraser (this was a familiar site in our house)., I’ve had a lot of luck with WD-40, strange enough, after stumbling across a page on their website about using it to remove crayon from the wall. Going forward, I plan on buying more of Crayola’s washable crayons since they came off the walls with just a damp rag, maybe a little elbow grease., i have the pink stuff paste but how do i use it?, I know this sounds crazy but sunscreen, it’ll come Right off. Use a magic eraser after that too, less elbo grease, Cloth (like a linen or cheesecloth) and an iron, put the cloth on the wall and iron it, it melts the wax and it gets absorbed into the cloth. I'd maybe start with that and then use a baby wipe to clean up any excess., Small can of paint will fix that, Hans sanitizer or magic eraser are my go to. If one doesn’t work the other usually does., WD40 and a rag. Comes off easy peasy. Spray it on the rag, not the wall., Goo Gone, Mr Clean Stain Eraser, Soap and hot water, OMG I did this to a wall as a child when I was angry at someone. My mom made me clean it., Magic eraser works wonders or pink paste!, Alcohol wipes., Toothpaste, Mr. clean Magic dry, erase markers, Windex., You're going to have to paint over, Goo Gone if magic eraser doesn't work., Liberally smother with mayonnaise, return 20 minutes later. , Paste of baking soda and water, works easy peasy!, My goodness. Looks like my walls! Had a painter tell me, since I have flat paint, I had to buff/sand, spray primer, then paint over. It worked....until my LO started again...🥴, Hair dryer and paper towel, Melamine pads are your friend! Buy in bulk, way cheaper than the magic eraser ;), Magic eraser. I should buy stock in it for how much I have bought. I have had to clean the walls way too many times. All colors have been banned and hidden in my house now., WD-40, All the advice you have will damage the wall covering. Step 1 - put vegetable oil on a dry cloth or tissue and wipe off all the crayon. Step 2 - wipe off the oil with washing up liquid. Step 3 - finish off with a damp cloth. I have done this countless times to my kitchen walls and they come up like new., Blow dryer and wipe!, HOT soapy water and a rag did for me. I went through 8 boxes of magic erasers to do his whole room... but all 8 of those boxes? Were on one wall., Magic Eraser!!!, I honestly just leave it; cause we have repainted and she did it again 🫠, Magic eraser works wonders, even for permanent marker. My 5 yo has ASD and draws on everything from the floors to the appliances., Windex, My grandchild draws on everything. I use those Mr. Clean sponges and desolvit if needed. But the Mr Clean Sponges are Amazing! It gets crayon off everything but carpets. But it does come out!, I cleaned a whole wall of ink pen with Norwex cleaning paste. It’s my go to now., Start with a baby wipe to get off as much as possible, or a wet rag with dawn dish soap. Finish it off with a magic eraser. This way it prevents you from overdoing the magic eraser and damaging the paint! On a perfectly smooth surface a baby wipe usually does the trick just fine, but I have found that textured things (like walls) need a little extra TLC., This sounds crazy, but...lighter fluid! My stepson drew all over the walls the day we were moving out of our rental house and I thought we were going to lose our deposit, but my dad told me to take lighter fluid, put it on a rag and just wipe the walls with it - and it totally worked! Didn't ruin the paint, either!, I’ve used this but you just have to be careful not to overdo it and take the paint off., This. So much this. But yes be careful of the paint., Yes! My kids love going rogue with their crayons LOL Mr clean magic eraser is a lifesaver!, I've heard magic erasers suggested for many things. I've literally never had one work for anything, ever. Every problem I've thrown at them, they were impotent., This is the way, Baby wipes are also the first line fix for poop. Baby wipes to clean, let dry, wipe with water, let dry then sanitize., You've spiled candle wax on a carpet before, huh?, Ok smart guy, now how do you get nail polish off a white door that only has the factory flat paint? And the carpet?, This is what we have to do! Our little one has colored on the walls so much that I chose to switch to chalk and super washable markers for the easiest clean-up. So far the tricks I’ve learned is for crayon I use a warm scrub daddy and a tiny bit of pink stuff for any stubborn spots, and for any dark colored stubborn dry erase marker lines I burn the house down., Make sure to add a little name plate with a catchy title. Ex: "Ruination" Bobby, Age 4 (May 2024), She said to be gentle because it can take off paint!, Do NOT use the pin’ stuff. It is extremely abrasive!, WD40 Comes in a can, Please don't do this. Extremely flammable solvents and abrasive rubbing is a recipe for static discharge and a big fire. It may work but it's a really bad idea., A light touch always helps, Really?! I use them for everything and they work so well! I wonder what the difference is?, Did you wet them first??, I have to know what did you use them on???, For the carpet, use nail polish remover on a cotton ball but DO NOT WIPE. Literally soak the cotton ball and just press and hold for like a minute. The polish dissolves and gets absorbed into the cotton ball, but IF YOU WIPE YOU ARE FCKED. Soak, hold, lift, repeat*. For the door... still nail polish remover, but you may as well wipe. Ain't nothing going to take off nail polish that doesn't also strip flat factory paint. Sorry. At least it's cheap to paint over.. *ETA repeat with a *fresh* cotton ball., until i read your comment, i thought u/dirtyenvelopes was being inappropriately intimate!, haha love that!! 😂, okay thank you!!!, Sorry, I didn't know that!, Me too!! I love them. My daughter colored my old formica counters with blue sharpy and the magic eraser took it right off. Goo Gone also works., For the door, correct! The paint stripe easier than the nail polish. Had to throw a quick coat of paint after. For the carpet I had to get like 15 bottles of nail polish remover plus a carpet cleaner to get it out. Blotting insufficient. Scrubbing insufficient., I read in a post on r/cleaningtips that Magic Eraser is actually a very fine grit sandpaper, and to be careful using it on things like countertops and car windows., Lolol well how much nail polish were we talkin' here 😂 Also it really is a test of patience, it's more than blotting, it's sitting there applying gentle pressure to a completely soaked cotton ball, and once you feel it's absorbed as much as it can, starting all over again. (Absolutely exhausting and honestly probably impossible to achieve unless it's in your pre-child days and a small enough stain that you can do it without losing your mind lol), Here's a sneak peek of /r/CleaningTips using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Just discovered laundry stripping and oh my god](https://i.redd.it/nt5qwugvvg5b1.jpg) | [1475 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/1477sph/just_discovered_laundry_stripping_and_oh_my_god/) \#2: [Having guests from out of town over. Would you feel comfortable with the cleanliness of my house ?](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/14nxm4o) | [2098 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/14nxm4o/having_guests_from_out_of_town_over_would_you/) \#3: [UPDATE!!: I got my period on BF's $10k mattress and I'm mortified 😣 please help!](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/18mww29) | [1656 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/18mww29/update_i_got_my_period_on_bfs_10k_mattress_and_im/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), Definitely!! If I had nicer counters I wouldn't have gone at it with as much strength. It honestly didn't take much to get it clean., Magic eraser, I literally used a baby wipe where the kiddos colored on our walls and it came right off. 🤷 Admittedly it wasn’t this much 😂, Blow dryer, it's melts the wax and you can just wipe it off, Seconding magic eraser., First go over it with baby wipes and any wax that’s left behind can be removed with a warm scrub daddy., Magic eraser, I’ve used rubbing alcohol and it worked really well., If it's crayon I agree with melting it and then wiping off. And then maybe finish off with magic eraser? We rent and I just did a huge part of our wall with the magic eraser because my son found a pen and went to town. Worked great and you don't have to scrub hard, Place long strips of wall molding in a rectangle around it to make it look like a large picture frame and date the artwork. Keep the memory., After magic eraser, try krud kutter. I use it to erase graffiti crayon regularly., Baking soda sprinkled on the wall with a wet rag will take it off and not the paint., Spray with WD40. It will wipe right off!, But ALL washable! But as of now, Mr clean magical eraser, Magic erasers are truly magical, invest in a bunch of them!, Windex or vinegar, Depending on the crayons and the paint (and the weather, time of day, phase of the moon, etc) wet wipes work surprisingly well, My mom said she always used toothpaste prior to the magic clean eraser (this was a familiar site in our house)., I’ve had a lot of luck with WD-40, strange enough, after stumbling across a page on their website about using it to remove crayon from the wall. Going forward, I plan on buying more of Crayola’s washable crayons since they came off the walls with just a damp rag, maybe a little elbow grease., i have the pink stuff paste but how do i use it?, I know this sounds crazy but sunscreen, it’ll come Right off. Use a magic eraser after that too, less elbo grease, Cloth (like a linen or cheesecloth) and an iron, put the cloth on the wall and iron it, it melts the wax and it gets absorbed into the cloth. I'd maybe start with that and then use a baby wipe to clean up any excess., Small can of paint will fix that, Hans sanitizer or magic eraser are my go to. If one doesn’t work the other usually does., WD40 and a rag. Comes off easy peasy. Spray it on the rag, not the wall., Goo Gone, Mr Clean Stain Eraser, Soap and hot water, OMG I did this to a wall as a child when I was angry at someone. My mom made me clean it., Magic eraser works wonders or pink paste!, Alcohol wipes., Toothpaste, Mr. clean Magic dry, erase markers, Windex., You're going to have to paint over, Goo Gone if magic eraser doesn't work., Liberally smother with mayonnaise, return 20 minutes later. , Paste of baking soda and water, works easy peasy!, My goodness. Looks like my walls! Had a painter tell me, since I have flat paint, I had to buff/sand, spray primer, then paint over. It worked....until my LO started again...🥴, Hair dryer and paper towel, Melamine pads are your friend! Buy in bulk, way cheaper than the magic eraser ;), Magic eraser. I should buy stock in it for how much I have bought. I have had to clean the walls way too many times. All colors have been banned and hidden in my house now., WD-40, All the advice you have will damage the wall covering. Step 1 - put vegetable oil on a dry cloth or tissue and wipe off all the crayon. Step 2 - wipe off the oil with washing up liquid. Step 3 - finish off with a damp cloth. I have done this countless times to my kitchen walls and they come up like new., Blow dryer and wipe!, HOT soapy water and a rag did for me. I went through 8 boxes of magic erasers to do his whole room... but all 8 of those boxes? Were on one wall., Magic Eraser!!!, I honestly just leave it; cause we have repainted and she did it again 🫠, Magic eraser works wonders, even for permanent marker. My 5 yo has ASD and draws on everything from the floors to the appliances., Windex, My grandchild draws on everything. I use those Mr. Clean sponges and desolvit if needed. But the Mr Clean Sponges are Amazing! It gets crayon off everything but carpets. But it does come out!, I cleaned a whole wall of ink pen with Norwex cleaning paste. It’s my go to now., Start with a baby wipe to get off as much as possible, or a wet rag with dawn dish soap. Finish it off with a magic eraser. This way it prevents you from overdoing the magic eraser and damaging the paint! On a perfectly smooth surface a baby wipe usually does the trick just fine, but I have found that textured things (like walls) need a little extra TLC., This sounds crazy, but...lighter fluid! My stepson drew all over the walls the day we were moving out of our rental house and I thought we were going to lose our deposit, but my dad told me to take lighter fluid, put it on a rag and just wipe the walls with it - and it totally worked! Didn't ruin the paint, either!, I’ve used this but you just have to be careful not to overdo it and take the paint off., This. So much this. But yes be careful of the paint., Yes! My kids love going rogue with their crayons LOL Mr clean magic eraser is a lifesaver!, I've heard magic erasers suggested for many things. I've literally never had one work for anything, ever. Every problem I've thrown at them, they were impotent., This is the way, Baby wipes are also the first line fix for poop. Baby wipes to clean, let dry, wipe with water, let dry then sanitize., You've spiled candle wax on a carpet before, huh?, Ok smart guy, now how do you get nail polish off a white door that only has the factory flat paint? And the carpet?, This is what we have to do! Our little one has colored on the walls so much that I chose to switch to chalk and super washable markers for the easiest clean-up. So far the tricks I’ve learned is for crayon I use a warm scrub daddy and a tiny bit of pink stuff for any stubborn spots, and for any dark colored stubborn dry erase marker lines I burn the house down., Make sure to add a little name plate with a catchy title. Ex: "Ruination" Bobby, Age 4 (May 2024), She said to be gentle because it can take off paint!, Do NOT use the pin’ stuff. It is extremely abrasive!, WD40 Comes in a can, Please don't do this. Extremely flammable solvents and abrasive rubbing is a recipe for static discharge and a big fire. It may work but it's a really bad idea., A light touch always helps, Really?! I use them for everything and they work so well! I wonder what the difference is?, Did you wet them first??, I have to know what did you use them on???, For the carpet, use nail polish remover on a cotton ball but DO NOT WIPE. Literally soak the cotton ball and just press and hold for like a minute. The polish dissolves and gets absorbed into the cotton ball, but IF YOU WIPE YOU ARE FCKED. Soak, hold, lift, repeat*. For the door... still nail polish remover, but you may as well wipe. Ain't nothing going to take off nail polish that doesn't also strip flat factory paint. Sorry. At least it's cheap to paint over.. *ETA repeat with a *fresh* cotton ball., until i read your comment, i thought u/dirtyenvelopes was being inappropriately intimate!, haha love that!! 😂, okay thank you!!!, Sorry, I didn't know that!, Me too!! I love them. My daughter colored my old formica counters with blue sharpy and the magic eraser took it right off. Goo Gone also works., For the door, correct! The paint stripe easier than the nail polish. Had to throw a quick coat of paint after. For the carpet I had to get like 15 bottles of nail polish remover plus a carpet cleaner to get it out. Blotting insufficient. Scrubbing insufficient., I read in a post on r/cleaningtips that Magic Eraser is actually a very fine grit sandpaper, and to be careful using it on things like countertops and car windows., Lolol well how much nail polish were we talkin' here 😂 Also it really is a test of patience, it's more than blotting, it's sitting there applying gentle pressure to a completely soaked cotton ball, and once you feel it's absorbed as much as it can, starting all over again. (Absolutely exhausting and honestly probably impossible to achieve unless it's in your pre-child days and a small enough stain that you can do it without losing your mind lol), Here's a sneak peek of /r/CleaningTips using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Just discovered laundry stripping and oh my god](https://i.redd.it/nt5qwugvvg5b1.jpg) | [1475 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/1477sph/just_discovered_laundry_stripping_and_oh_my_god/) \#2: [Having guests from out of town over. Would you feel comfortable with the cleanliness of my house ?](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/14nxm4o) | [2098 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/14nxm4o/having_guests_from_out_of_town_over_would_you/) \#3: [UPDATE!!: I got my period on BF's $10k mattress and I'm mortified 😣 please help!](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/18mww29) | [1656 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/18mww29/update_i_got_my_period_on_bfs_10k_mattress_and_im/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), Definitely!! If I had nicer counters I wouldn't have gone at it with as much strength. It honestly didn't take much to get it clean., Magic eraser, I literally used a baby wipe where the kiddos colored on our walls and it came right off. 🤷 Admittedly it wasn’t this much 😂, Blow dryer, it's melts the wax and you can just wipe it off, Seconding magic eraser., First go over it with baby wipes and any wax that’s left behind can be removed with a warm scrub daddy., Magic eraser, I’ve used rubbing alcohol and it worked really well., If it's crayon I agree with melting it and then wiping off. And then maybe finish off with magic eraser? We rent and I just did a huge part of our wall with the magic eraser because my son found a pen and went to town. Worked great and you don't have to scrub hard, Place long strips of wall molding in a rectangle around it to make it look like a large picture frame and date the artwork. Keep the memory., After magic eraser, try krud kutter. I use it to erase graffiti crayon regularly., Baking soda sprinkled on the wall with a wet rag will take it off and not the paint., Spray with WD40. It will wipe right off!, But ALL washable! But as of now, Mr clean magical eraser, Magic erasers are truly magical, invest in a bunch of them!, Windex or vinegar, Depending on the crayons and the paint (and the weather, time of day, phase of the moon, etc) wet wipes work surprisingly well, My mom said she always used toothpaste prior to the magic clean eraser (this was a familiar site in our house)., I’ve had a lot of luck with WD-40, strange enough, after stumbling across a page on their website about using it to remove crayon from the wall. Going forward, I plan on buying more of Crayola’s washable crayons since they came off the walls with just a damp rag, maybe a little elbow grease., i have the pink stuff paste but how do i use it?, I know this sounds crazy but sunscreen, it’ll come Right off. Use a magic eraser after that too, less elbo grease, Cloth (like a linen or cheesecloth) and an iron, put the cloth on the wall and iron it, it melts the wax and it gets absorbed into the cloth. I'd maybe start with that and then use a baby wipe to clean up any excess., Small can of paint will fix that, Hans sanitizer or magic eraser are my go to. If one doesn’t work the other usually does., WD40 and a rag. Comes off easy peasy. Spray it on the rag, not the wall., Goo Gone, Mr Clean Stain Eraser, Soap and hot water, OMG I did this to a wall as a child when I was angry at someone. My mom made me clean it., Magic eraser works wonders or pink paste!, Alcohol wipes., Toothpaste, Mr. clean Magic dry, erase markers, Windex., You're going to have to paint over, Goo Gone if magic eraser doesn't work., Liberally smother with mayonnaise, return 20 minutes later. , Paste of baking soda and water, works easy peasy!, My goodness. Looks like my walls! Had a painter tell me, since I have flat paint, I had to buff/sand, spray primer, then paint over. It worked....until my LO started again...🥴, Hair dryer and paper towel, Melamine pads are your friend! Buy in bulk, way cheaper than the magic eraser ;), Magic eraser. I should buy stock in it for how much I have bought. I have had to clean the walls way too many times. All colors have been banned and hidden in my house now., WD-40, All the advice you have will damage the wall covering. Step 1 - put vegetable oil on a dry cloth or tissue and wipe off all the crayon. Step 2 - wipe off the oil with washing up liquid. Step 3 - finish off with a damp cloth. I have done this countless times to my kitchen walls and they come up like new., Blow dryer and wipe!, HOT soapy water and a rag did for me. I went through 8 boxes of magic erasers to do his whole room... but all 8 of those boxes? Were on one wall., Magic Eraser!!!, I honestly just leave it; cause we have repainted and she did it again 🫠, Magic eraser works wonders, even for permanent marker. My 5 yo has ASD and draws on everything from the floors to the appliances., Windex, My grandchild draws on everything. I use those Mr. Clean sponges and desolvit if needed. But the Mr Clean Sponges are Amazing! It gets crayon off everything but carpets. But it does come out!, I cleaned a whole wall of ink pen with Norwex cleaning paste. It’s my go to now., Start with a baby wipe to get off as much as possible, or a wet rag with dawn dish soap. Finish it off with a magic eraser. This way it prevents you from overdoing the magic eraser and damaging the paint! On a perfectly smooth surface a baby wipe usually does the trick just fine, but I have found that textured things (like walls) need a little extra TLC., This sounds crazy, but...lighter fluid! My stepson drew all over the walls the day we were moving out of our rental house and I thought we were going to lose our deposit, but my dad told me to take lighter fluid, put it on a rag and just wipe the walls with it - and it totally worked! Didn't ruin the paint, either!, I’ve used this but you just have to be careful not to overdo it and take the paint off., This. So much this. But yes be careful of the paint., Yes! My kids love going rogue with their crayons LOL Mr clean magic eraser is a lifesaver!, I've heard magic erasers suggested for many things. I've literally never had one work for anything, ever. Every problem I've thrown at them, they were impotent., This is the way, Baby wipes are also the first line fix for poop. Baby wipes to clean, let dry, wipe with water, let dry then sanitize., You've spiled candle wax on a carpet before, huh?, Ok smart guy, now how do you get nail polish off a white door that only has the factory flat paint? And the carpet?, This is what we have to do! Our little one has colored on the walls so much that I chose to switch to chalk and super washable markers for the easiest clean-up. So far the tricks I’ve learned is for crayon I use a warm scrub daddy and a tiny bit of pink stuff for any stubborn spots, and for any dark colored stubborn dry erase marker lines I burn the house down., Make sure to add a little name plate with a catchy title. Ex: "Ruination" Bobby, Age 4 (May 2024), She said to be gentle because it can take off paint!, Do NOT use the pin’ stuff. It is extremely abrasive!, WD40 Comes in a can, Please don't do this. Extremely flammable solvents and abrasive rubbing is a recipe for static discharge and a big fire. It may work but it's a really bad idea., A light touch always helps, Really?! I use them for everything and they work so well! I wonder what the difference is?, Did you wet them first??, I have to know what did you use them on???, For the carpet, use nail polish remover on a cotton ball but DO NOT WIPE. Literally soak the cotton ball and just press and hold for like a minute. The polish dissolves and gets absorbed into the cotton ball, but IF YOU WIPE YOU ARE FCKED. Soak, hold, lift, repeat*. For the door... still nail polish remover, but you may as well wipe. Ain't nothing going to take off nail polish that doesn't also strip flat factory paint. Sorry. At least it's cheap to paint over.. *ETA repeat with a *fresh* cotton ball., until i read your comment, i thought u/dirtyenvelopes was being inappropriately intimate!, haha love that!! 😂, okay thank you!!!, Sorry, I didn't know that!, Me too!! I love them. My daughter colored my old formica counters with blue sharpy and the magic eraser took it right off. Goo Gone also works., For the door, correct! The paint stripe easier than the nail polish. Had to throw a quick coat of paint after. For the carpet I had to get like 15 bottles of nail polish remover plus a carpet cleaner to get it out. Blotting insufficient. Scrubbing insufficient., I read in a post on r/cleaningtips that Magic Eraser is actually a very fine grit sandpaper, and to be careful using it on things like countertops and car windows., Lolol well how much nail polish were we talkin' here 😂 Also it really is a test of patience, it's more than blotting, it's sitting there applying gentle pressure to a completely soaked cotton ball, and once you feel it's absorbed as much as it can, starting all over again. (Absolutely exhausting and honestly probably impossible to achieve unless it's in your pre-child days and a small enough stain that you can do it without losing your mind lol), Here's a sneak peek of /r/CleaningTips using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Just discovered laundry stripping and oh my god](https://i.redd.it/nt5qwugvvg5b1.jpg) | [1475 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/1477sph/just_discovered_laundry_stripping_and_oh_my_god/) \#2: [Having guests from out of town over. Would you feel comfortable with the cleanliness of my house ?](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/14nxm4o) | [2098 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/14nxm4o/having_guests_from_out_of_town_over_would_you/) \#3: [UPDATE!!: I got my period on BF's $10k mattress and I'm mortified 😣 please help!](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/18mww29) | [1656 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/18mww29/update_i_got_my_period_on_bfs_10k_mattress_and_im/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), Definitely!! If I had nicer counters I wouldn't have gone at it with as much strength. It honestly didn't take much to get it clean., Magic eraser, I literally used a baby wipe where the kiddos colored on our walls and it came right off. 🤷 Admittedly it wasn’t this much 😂, Blow dryer, it's melts the wax and you can just wipe it off, Seconding magic eraser., First go over it with baby wipes and any wax that’s left behind can be removed with a warm scrub daddy., Magic eraser, I’ve used rubbing alcohol and it worked really well., If it's crayon I agree with melting it and then wiping off. And then maybe finish off with magic eraser? We rent and I just did a huge part of our wall with the magic eraser because my son found a pen and went to town. Worked great and you don't have to scrub hard, Place long strips of wall molding in a rectangle around it to make it look like a large picture frame and date the artwork. Keep the memory., After magic eraser, try krud kutter. I use it to erase graffiti crayon regularly., Baking soda sprinkled on the wall with a wet rag will take it off and not the paint., Spray with WD40. It will wipe right off!, But ALL washable! But as of now, Mr clean magical eraser, Magic erasers are truly magical, invest in a bunch of them!, Windex or vinegar, Depending on the crayons and the paint (and the weather, time of day, phase of the moon, etc) wet wipes work surprisingly well, My mom said she always used toothpaste prior to the magic clean eraser (this was a familiar site in our house)., I’ve had a lot of luck with WD-40, strange enough, after stumbling across a page on their website about using it to remove crayon from the wall. Going forward, I plan on buying more of Crayola’s washable crayons since they came off the walls with just a damp rag, maybe a little elbow grease., i have the pink stuff paste but how do i use it?, I know this sounds crazy but sunscreen, it’ll come Right off. Use a magic eraser after that too, less elbo grease, Cloth (like a linen or cheesecloth) and an iron, put the cloth on the wall and iron it, it melts the wax and it gets absorbed into the cloth. I'd maybe start with that and then use a baby wipe to clean up any excess., Small can of paint will fix that, Hans sanitizer or magic eraser are my go to. If one doesn’t work the other usually does., WD40 and a rag. Comes off easy peasy. Spray it on the rag, not the wall., Goo Gone, Mr Clean Stain Eraser, Soap and hot water, OMG I did this to a wall as a child when I was angry at someone. My mom made me clean it., Magic eraser works wonders or pink paste!, Alcohol wipes., Toothpaste, Mr. clean Magic dry, erase markers, Windex., You're going to have to paint over, Goo Gone if magic eraser doesn't work., Liberally smother with mayonnaise, return 20 minutes later. , Paste of baking soda and water, works easy peasy!, My goodness. Looks like my walls! Had a painter tell me, since I have flat paint, I had to buff/sand, spray primer, then paint over. It worked....until my LO started again...🥴, Hair dryer and paper towel, Melamine pads are your friend! Buy in bulk, way cheaper than the magic eraser ;), Magic eraser. I should buy stock in it for how much I have bought. I have had to clean the walls way too many times. All colors have been banned and hidden in my house now., WD-40, All the advice you have will damage the wall covering. Step 1 - put vegetable oil on a dry cloth or tissue and wipe off all the crayon. Step 2 - wipe off the oil with washing up liquid. Step 3 - finish off with a damp cloth. I have done this countless times to my kitchen walls and they come up like new., Blow dryer and wipe!, HOT soapy water and a rag did for me. I went through 8 boxes of magic erasers to do his whole room... but all 8 of those boxes? Were on one wall., Magic Eraser!!!, I honestly just leave it; cause we have repainted and she did it again 🫠, Magic eraser works wonders, even for permanent marker. My 5 yo has ASD and draws on everything from the floors to the appliances., Windex, My grandchild draws on everything. I use those Mr. Clean sponges and desolvit if needed. But the Mr Clean Sponges are Amazing! It gets crayon off everything but carpets. But it does come out!, I cleaned a whole wall of ink pen with Norwex cleaning paste. It’s my go to now., Start with a baby wipe to get off as much as possible, or a wet rag with dawn dish soap. Finish it off with a magic eraser. This way it prevents you from overdoing the magic eraser and damaging the paint! On a perfectly smooth surface a baby wipe usually does the trick just fine, but I have found that textured things (like walls) need a little extra TLC., This sounds crazy, but...lighter fluid! My stepson drew all over the walls the day we were moving out of our rental house and I thought we were going to lose our deposit, but my dad told me to take lighter fluid, put it on a rag and just wipe the walls with it - and it totally worked! Didn't ruin the paint, either!, I’ve used this but you just have to be careful not to overdo it and take the paint off., This. So much this. But yes be careful of the paint., Yes! My kids love going rogue with their crayons LOL Mr clean magic eraser is a lifesaver!, I've heard magic erasers suggested for many things. I've literally never had one work for anything, ever. Every problem I've thrown at them, they were impotent., This is the way, Baby wipes are also the first line fix for poop. Baby wipes to clean, let dry, wipe with water, let dry then sanitize., You've spiled candle wax on a carpet before, huh?, Ok smart guy, now how do you get nail polish off a white door that only has the factory flat paint? And the carpet?, This is what we have to do! Our little one has colored on the walls so much that I chose to switch to chalk and super washable markers for the easiest clean-up. So far the tricks I’ve learned is for crayon I use a warm scrub daddy and a tiny bit of pink stuff for any stubborn spots, and for any dark colored stubborn dry erase marker lines I burn the house down., Make sure to add a little name plate with a catchy title. Ex: "Ruination" Bobby, Age 4 (May 2024), She said to be gentle because it can take off paint!, Do NOT use the pin’ stuff. It is extremely abrasive!, WD40 Comes in a can, Please don't do this. Extremely flammable solvents and abrasive rubbing is a recipe for static discharge and a big fire. It may work but it's a really bad idea., A light touch always helps, Really?! I use them for everything and they work so well! I wonder what the difference is?, Did you wet them first??, I have to know what did you use them on???, For the carpet, use nail polish remover on a cotton ball but DO NOT WIPE. Literally soak the cotton ball and just press and hold for like a minute. The polish dissolves and gets absorbed into the cotton ball, but IF YOU WIPE YOU ARE FCKED. Soak, hold, lift, repeat*. For the door... still nail polish remover, but you may as well wipe. Ain't nothing going to take off nail polish that doesn't also strip flat factory paint. Sorry. At least it's cheap to paint over.. *ETA repeat with a *fresh* cotton ball., until i read your comment, i thought u/dirtyenvelopes was being inappropriately intimate!, haha love that!! 😂, okay thank you!!!, Sorry, I didn't know that!, Me too!! I love them. My daughter colored my old formica counters with blue sharpy and the magic eraser took it right off. Goo Gone also works., For the door, correct! The paint stripe easier than the nail polish. Had to throw a quick coat of paint after. For the carpet I had to get like 15 bottles of nail polish remover plus a carpet cleaner to get it out. Blotting insufficient. Scrubbing insufficient., I read in a post on r/cleaningtips that Magic Eraser is actually a very fine grit sandpaper, and to be careful using it on things like countertops and car windows., Lolol well how much nail polish were we talkin' here 😂 Also it really is a test of patience, it's more than blotting, it's sitting there applying gentle pressure to a completely soaked cotton ball, and once you feel it's absorbed as much as it can, starting all over again. (Absolutely exhausting and honestly probably impossible to achieve unless it's in your pre-child days and a small enough stain that you can do it without losing your mind lol), Here's a sneak peek of /r/CleaningTips using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Just discovered laundry stripping and oh my god](https://i.redd.it/nt5qwugvvg5b1.jpg) | [1475 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/1477sph/just_discovered_laundry_stripping_and_oh_my_god/) \#2: [Having guests from out of town over. Would you feel comfortable with the cleanliness of my house ?](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/14nxm4o) | [2098 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/14nxm4o/having_guests_from_out_of_town_over_would_you/) \#3: [UPDATE!!: I got my period on BF's $10k mattress and I'm mortified 😣 please help!](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/18mww29) | [1656 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/comments/18mww29/update_i_got_my_period_on_bfs_10k_mattress_and_im/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot), Definitely!! If I had nicer counters I wouldn't have gone at it with as much strength. It honestly didn't take much to get it clean.

How to get my autistic son under control ?

My son is 2 almost 3. He is in multiple therapies and we pretty much know he has autism. He is very out of control. He pulls his mom or my hair, kicks, does front flips on the bed, has severe hyperactivity in general, pinches when he grabs us, has severe meltdowns when he doesn’t get what he wants. He has several sensory issues also & does not know how to communicate much. I’m looking for suggestions and advice on how I can get him to listen to me and behave properly.

Pull back on the expectations. Don’t do too many therapies it might be too much for him. Occupational therapy is probably the only one you need right now, to fulfill his sensory needs. I had someone say to me once “if you’re saying “how do I get my child to…” then you’re asking the wrong questions” ask yourself why he is doing these things be a detective. There will be a reason (hint it’s usually because he’s reached his capacity)., Something I struggled with at the age of 1.5 - 2.5 was figuring out what was autism and what was toddler behavior. My son did "grow out" of a lot of this behavior, so I think 90% of it was simply him being a toddler and being unable to communicate just made it so much harder on him. They are learning emotional regulation, and with ASD toddlers, it can be a huge struggle to teach them. Practical advice. He's hyper? Get him outside and burn his energy every chance you get. We spend almost all day outside now that the weather is nice and only come indoors to eat lunch. Prepare your son for transitions by using timers (visual timers or even on your phone), constant reminders "We're leaving the park in 10 minutes... 8 minutes... 5 minutes..." etc. Made the transitions so much easier for me. He doesn't get what he wants and has meltdowns? This is dependent on the situation, but a few things: avoid stuff you know will trigger him (my son lost his shit every time we went to the grocery store if he didn't get a candy bar in the check out, so I didn't take him for a long time), have "high want" items on hand AT ALL TIMES (I constantly kept snack sized kitkat bars on me so when he begged for the candy bar, I could give him a smaller one, lesser of two evils and also a great bribe for when I needed him to get moving somewhere), and lastly is again using timers. When my son loses his shit over not getting something, I will do a 10 second countdown, and if I get to the end, I will physically pick him up and haul him to the car/home/out of the situation. He has learned this, and 9/10 times, when I start the countdown, he knows I mean business and will come running or stop the tantrum. But remember there's a difference between a toddler tantrum and an actual autism meltdown. You really can't control an autism meltdown as easily, and you may have to ride it out. There's a lot of times my son doesn't need "countdown" but rather empathy, so I just get down on his level, hug him, do what I gotta do to help him calm down enough to be rational again. For pulling hair, kicking, aggression, teach him alternatives. We taught ours "squeeze play dough" which just means squeezing his hands together. Or "make an apple". Whatever works, get creative, use language he can understand. If he's doing it out of anger, he needs to learn what to do with his anger instead of lashing out. If he's doing it and laughing and it's a game, immediately walk away and ignore him and don't let it become a game. Lastly... something that helped us a lot.... I made time for my son to be a kid. I let him have days off where he can sit at home and watch TV all day long and eat on the couch and just be lazy. I made sure we had 1 day a week where he had no therapies, no expectations, and was allowed to be a kid and do whatever. I found he did better during the week when he had a day here and there to unwind. Therapy can be so exhausting for these kids - it's very challenging, they are learning a lot, and it would be like if we sat down to study a textbook. It's not something we'd want to do every single day, and we'd get burned out. They're the same. I try to be empathetic to his struggles, I try to do the gentle parenting thing whenever I can, but with an ASD toddler you really have to throw out a lot of parenting rules and advice and make up your own that works for your own child. Don't be afraid to use TV to buy a break when he's being aggressive or having an off day and just remember that EVERYONE has off days., With my son, the more I try to control him the more out of control he becomes. In the early days I was very strict with the "consequences" (punishments). This only made his behaviors worse. I don't think he made the connection between his actions and my consequences, even when they were natural consequences, like if you throw your cookie on the floor you don't get a cookie. All he saw was his cookie was destroyed and I had more but I wouldn't give him any. Being so strict and unyealding, I think I was teaching him to be heartless by example. He was even vindictive and would break my things on purpose to hurt me, kinda like he was punishing me. The harder I pushed the harder he pushed back, like a disgruntled employee who knew he couldn't be fired. Slowly over the years I came to a philosophy something like "gentle parenting" (google it, they have some good ideas). These days, if he throws his cookie down and cries I'd just give him another and make sure I hold it while he takes bites. I think he may have an impulse control issue. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I try to teach empathy by example instead of having unbending consequences. I wish I could say that is why his behavior is improving but I honestly don't know. He is becoming better a tiny bit day by day. But he also has tons of therapists so there's that. Either way, both our lives are so much easier now that we are not butting heads anymore. Sure he still has meltdowns and is oh so stinkin' naughty sometimes but 🤷‍♀️. Don't know what else to say about that, just clean up and move on. Anyway, hope my experience helps you in some way. Or if not, I still hope the best for you A final note: if what you're doing isn't working try something else. I'm sure you will find what works for you and your family, Hang in there! If you are going to his therapies, see how they talk to him and practice it, it will take time. It’s like a bank that you’re depositing little bits of value, overtime you will see it come together. But in the mean time it feels pointless since you don’t get any immediate feedback. Hope that gives you a sense of where you are at in the process and how therapy will eventually help out., Is it possible he has ADHD?, 2-3 was probably the hardest for us, gets better after 4 imo, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! The little boy that I nanny went through this too. I just want you to know that it does get better. As he ages, he’ll be able to control his emotions better. He’ll be able to tell you what’s wrong and he’ll understand why he can’t do certain things. What helps with my little guy is remaining calm, getting down on his level and showing him that I care about how he’s feeling (that’s before a meltdown). If he’s mid meltdown, focus on what works for calming him down. For my little guy, going to a quiet room, playing music that he likes, holding him and rocking back and forth works like a charm. I’ve also noticed that he is more prone to meltdowns when he is hungry or tired, so pay close attention to how much he is eating. Sometimes he doesn’t eat at school and we don’t realize until he’s had a meltdown and is able to tell us he’s hungry after he’s calmed down. I’ve started to notice that if he’s easily frustrated by something, he’s probably hungry. I immediately sit him down at the table with his iPad and put out food I know he will eat. Another thing that has really helped is giving him ample time before he has to do something. About 10 minutes before he has to leave the house, or take a bath, wash his hands, etc. I will start saying to him, “Hey, in about ten minutes we’ve got to turn this off and go have our bath.” “Okay, I’m going to go start the bath now. It should be ready in a couple minutes” “Okay, the bath is ready. Let’s turn this off and we can continue watching later.” “You can finish your video if you’d like, but after it’s done, we need to have a bath.” Hope this stuff can help you! I know what you’re going through, and I know how difficult it is. Hang in there! You’re not alone! Just know that it does get better! Edit to add: speech therapy also really helped him be able to communicate with us. If you’re able to, I think it could really help your son as well

How to get rid of bad behaviors

My 11 ASD son spends literally all day long smelling his little trees (yes the air fresheners) , talking about them, wanting to play games and see if we guess the right one and its just too much. He's literally obsessed. He has not much interest of other things, except also elevator motors sounds. Little trees and elevators sounds occupy all his day even at school he doesn't pay attention thinking about this. What do I do??? I have put him in soccer classes, tennis, music but he has no interest and doesn't get better. He's good with musical notes but only if he puts s note to the elevator sounds, other than that he pays no attention to the class. Homework at home takes forever because his mind wanders away every 1-2 mins. He'll be starting middle school and I have no idea what to do.

Others have hit it on the head. So far I don't see any bad behaviors here. He likes his little trees and elevator sounds. He might not be excelling in school, and hes certainly not into the activities you are trying to put him in. My advice would be to stop spending money on the things he isn't interested in, and work with him to find stuff related or adjacent to the things he is obsessed with or more interested in. Stuff related to maybe the mechanics of how elevators work or their sounds, how air fresheners are made etc etc. Regarding school work, find ways to relate the work you can back to the hyperfixations. Math equations using little trees and such. Oh, and most importantly, talk to him. Ask him what he likes and is into, work with him to find hobbies, interests and group events he does enjoy. The things adjacent to it you can reasonably expand into., Those are not bad behaviours. Look around the sub a bit and you will see what those are… aggression, self-injury, smearing, to name a few. The things you are trying to “resolve” are not problems, but core parts of autism. Research “monotropic mind”. Only a NT lens will see what you described as an issue when it is not. Find him some autistic groups/friends. Embrace who he is and shift your mindset. There is nothing wrong about having a monotropic mind. PS. Of course intervention would be necessary for problem behaviors like aggression, etc. What I’m saying is to intervene on what needs to be addressed because it’s inherently negative, not the stuff that just makes him different., I don’t see bad behaviors. Bad behavior is biting, hitting, etc. It just sounds like he’s doing what he enjoys., I'm going to put this very bluntly. Stop trying to make him someone he's not and start accepting him for who he is. At least try to enter his world instead of always trying to force him to be in yours. He's not hurting himself or anybody else. You need to develop the courage to not give a flying fuck what other people think about your parenting just because he has some interests that are unusual and isn't super into school., Assuming there aren’t health issues or anything (I’d have an asthma attack if we had multiple car air fresheners in the house, as would one of my kids if a classmate was bringing air fresheners to class.), I don’t see the problem with this. My one son has went through some weird obsessions, and the electrical outlet type obsession drove us insane, but it made him happy, so we supported it., My husband's cousin is into trains. Like, REALLY into trains. His parents nurtured the interest his whole life, and he's now an apprentice in one of the only places that rebuilds antique steam engines. (It's in Colorado USA ... They raised him in California.) It's be so cool if OP's son could intern or apprentice at an elevator company or museum etc. Or at a fragrance house, where fragrances for all sorts of consumer products are made. Find "his tribe.", I 100% agree., And how can I get him to be interested in something useful. It even affects school. He also has bad behaviors though. Lately he's been saying that no one likes him. That he wants his life to end. He gets like this after he repeats his conversations again and again usually about his trees and after I while I tell him I have things to do and I'm done talking about it. V then he says if I'm lying, I say no and the big sometimes self harming tantrum starts for a while. At times I have to chase after him when he leaves the apartment, But I do try to enter his world, just not for so long. And it's fine for me he likes those things I just wish he had a useful interest, idk what will be of him, Sometimes I wonder what chemicals are on those trees. He's always sniffing them, touching them, even sleeps around them. He has little 30 all together, That is so freaking cool!!!! I personally think that, all of us on the spectrum do have some group, tribe or interest we can really excel in. Yeah there are exceptions about what is realistic depending on the situation, but for the most part, I do think we can often excel in jobs related to our special interests. So long as the job doesn't involve too many extra elements we don't click as well with, but if its accommodating that can sometimes not even be a big issue., Use your imagination. Someone has to design and build the elevators and fragrances of the world right?, I’d assume they’re generally safe, my lungs just never learned how to behave. 😹 So many people have been driving around with them in their cars for decades now, I’d think we’d know if it was hugely dangerous, but I could definitely be wrong.

How to get through to parents about niece?

Myself and a couple others have suspected my niece (almost 4 yr old) has autism since she was around 1.5 yr old. My sister and BIL are the stubborn, protective types who do not take well to anything they perceive to be negative feedback/advice on their children. They would likely get angry and cut us out of their lives for good. BIL even freaked at the mention of "exposure therapy." We figured a caretaker, daycare teacher, someone would have communicated it to them by now, but unfortunately that's not the case. I've always felt guilty like I'm doing my niece a disservice by not saying anything to them but they're just so unapproachable and closed off. Basically looking for advice on how to approach them, if at all. Signs: -she was slow to speak. Probably had 10 words by age 2. Still doesn't speak in sentences now, mostly 2-3 word phrases. Tends to make noises and point rather than use words until my sister gently gets her to speak. -doesn't have normal facial expressions -doesn't play with others -scream/cries when my sister laughs too loud -lines up her toys rather than imaginative play -likes playing with water -scream/cries almost every time she sees an elevator until she's permitted to ride it up and down several times -hates strangers -repetitive behaviors And more

Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind., Personally, I don’t think it’s your place to approach them about this. Most people don’t appreciate unsolicited advice on parenting. If they are really struggling with and ask for advice, maybe suggest talking to their child’s doctor., I wouldn't approach it as "Hey, your kid has autism". I would approach it as "Do you think she would benefit from speech/occupational therapy". If you are in the US, maybe mention that this is a service they can get for free through public school, if the need is there. If they are resistant, you gain absolutely nothing by pushing, and stand to lose the relationship., Maybe.. just maybe they know. Parents gut feelings are almost always strong. Maybe they are undergoing evaluations or maybe even treatments. They're just not announcing it out because of ego, sadness, fear.. because that's how I felt and what I did when I first "felt" my son is diverse. Just a thought.., TBH, if it were my sister’s child as it is in your situation I would say something. For random or non-closely related people I agree it wouldn’t be your place., Exactly this. They don't need to have a diagnosis to get her the most important services right now. She will likely still qualify for speech and OT without the diagnosis especially if she is significantly behind.

How to handle suspected abuse in class?

My non-verbal ASD son (13) is in a brand new public school this year, as we just moved states last summer. While one of his classrooms aides has been at the school for a few years, his teacher is also brand new this year and was a last-minute switch. She’s always given me a weird vibe that I couldn’t place. She’s used the R word in casual conversation (not related to the students but still) and has just said some things that have been a little off-putting. Just enough that I keep a frequent presence at the school and am always checking in with my kiddo as best I can about whether he’s happy at school. Two days ago, my son got a warning in his folder for not staying in his seat during class. Not a typical issue for him but also not a huge infraction, IMO — either way, it was his first “warning” this entire school year. After school today, my husband noticed bruises+a scratch on the underside of my son’s forearms, exactly where you’d grab their arms if you wanted to reprimand someone or force their attention. I have no way of proving where this happened or who would have put their hands on my child, but someone very obviously did. He isn’t really able to tell me and I don’t want to lead him into an answer, but I can’t just leave this alone. All this to ask: how should I handle this situation? Do I go straight to the teacher? (What if she’s the one who grabbed him?) Do I go straight to the principal? (What if that just leads to retaliation in the classroom?) Do I file a police report? (I have zero evidence of anything, beyond photos of his bruises — which will likely fade before he returns to school next week.) I’m just at a complete loss but know that I have to do SOMETHING to protect and defend my child. His classroom does have cameras, and I would love for someone to review those (assuming this occurred there). But I also don’t want to go in too hot and burn bridges with his teachers if they aren’t the ones who did this. Has anyone faced a similar situation, and how did you approach it? Or any SN teachers have any advice? TIA.

Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford, Maybe go about seeing the video a different way? Like asking if you can watch to see exactly how he harmed himself so you can tell his occupational therapist so they can work on ways to cope. This way the video gets watched but you aren't accusing anyone of anything., Filing a police report is a major step that a) isn't going to go anywhere if you don't have proof of malicious intent and b) will radically change the parent-teacher dynamic immediately. I worked 911 for 12 years, I'm extremely pro-getting-the- police involved as is necessary, but I don't think this warrants a call to the police unless you have more than just this picture. There are a million ways for a kid to get a scratch and/or a bruise, I just don't see it even leading to much of an investigation if you don't have more to go on.  EMAIL the teacher, along with this picture. You want a paper trail in case it is something more than just an accidental scratch in class. Start with the teacher and see what she says, it could be something that makes sense. When my son started at his current school he came home with bruises all over his legs. I said "I'm not implying that anything malicious is happening here, we just noticed all of these bruises and wanted to know if you knew what they were from." She pointed to him on the bicycle on the playground - he wasn't using the pedals, so the metal pedals were banging against his shins as he scurried around on it. Simple explanation that made total sense, and no bridges were burned. But I think you're right to be keeping a closer eye on this teacher, she doesn't sound very respectful - but that doesn't necessarily mean she's physically abusive., 1. Request an ARD meeting to discuss injuries that may be self-inflicted 2. If they claim he indeed self injure then request an update to his IEP 3. Update must include revision of his BIP , if he doesn’t have one then he needs a FBA and BIP 4. If they claim they don’t know how it happened request a FERPA to review video footage of the day he got injured I’d recommend you to be proactive because they’ll accuse YOU of causing the injuries the moment you asked what’s going on, If you want to stay with this teacher i Agree with approach of asking for help to find out how he got hurt and prevent it in the future. Also - a teacher using the disparaging term Retarded is a giant red flag. Also a teacher expecting a kid with ASD to sit in his seat is a giant red flag. So going straight to the principle of you want to switch teachers would be reasonable as well., I would go to the principal and tell them you want to watch the classroom footage of the day where he got these injuries. That’s not unreasonable and doesn’t directly blame anyone., This doesn't look good to me, and i would calmly and consistently request an investigation, and ask for updates until you're satisfied you know how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't ever happen again. No accusations, just "clearly a significant event occurred, my son is hurt, and I'm sure you want to find out what happened as much as us. " You need that video, I'd assertively but politely request to see it. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, and you can absolutely advocate for him., https://preview.redd.it/26tcf2s8iusc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8f870b42f70fd7d79eaae2e53276b224698bea3 My daughter came home from preschool one day with fingernail marks up and down both arms and blood in her armpits. (Only let me upload one photo) they had a new teacher aid. Ended up telling me my daughter “don’t listen to nothing” and she yelled at me and said my daughter was “cutting into her lunch break.” Tried to say my daughter did it to herself first. I took it to the school board and all they did was remove the aid/substitute from the class. My daughter is non verbal so I still don’t know what all happened to her in that classroom. I’m going to escalate it because my daughter won’t step foot back into a school around here until I know for sure she is safe., You mentioned that he received an “infraction” for not staying in his seat. What does his IEP say about other supports in the classroom? I understand that this is a life skills classroom, but the mandate of IDEA doesn’t seem to be being met. I suggest you have an advocate with you when you talk to the principal about the tape (not the teacher, who obviously is complicit in this), and insist on reviewing and updating the IEP., Only thing I can add to this is...trust your instincts. As a parent, and especially a mother, they are usually right. I'm a father but have had a few experiences in life where my mother woke in the middle of the night, fearing I was in danger. All 3 times, she was right. I can't explain it with empirical data, but there is definitely something to a mother's intuition., I think other commenters here have given good advice about how to view the video without making any accusations. Even if the video proves the teacher’s account, her use of the “r” word is disturbing. Going forward, if you continue to have concerns, consider something like AngelSense. The device is free but you pay a monthly service charge. They even have a version that looks like a smartwatch for older kids. Its primary function is as a GPS tracker for kids who elope but a secondary function is that it can make and receive calls from an approved list. Parents are able to automatically answer the call on their child’s end through the parent app. This allows parents to listen in on whatever activity their child is doing. While there are obvious ethical concerns in terms of invading your son’s privacy, I personally don’t see a problem with occasionally listening in on his class to ensure he is being treated respectfully and kindly., Don’t be afraid to stand up for your son!! The first thing I would do is directly email the teacher asking about the marks. If she claims it was him or things don’t sound right then go ahead and ask if you can see video footage. Regardless of what happened, you asking to see the footage will be enough to keep them on their toes. I am a mother of a non verbal child, but also a teacher. I still wouldn’t put it past any teachers, especially in 2024. These schools are honestly just social institutions at this point where you can drop off your child so you can work for the day., I'm not really sure how to handle this, but it's concerning enough to request a meeting with the school. I would talk to the principal first and they can get the teacher so you all can meet. I'd also wouldn't go alone. You'd need witnesses, I'm thinking, in case they lie or try to cover each other up or something. I hope someone else can can give you better legal options than this, but since you don't have evidence, I would try to get some before going to the police. Maybe try going in with a lawyer to see of you can get video footage of your son's class. I doubt they would give it to you alone without a lawyer? I'm so sorry this happened to your boy. As a mom of a child who constantly has bruises due to his throwing himself everywhere, it's also my habit to check his body daily. He doesn't normally get cuts anywhere but his ankles (very rare) and they're really small compared to the one in this picture., [deleted], Why is he expected to be in his seat???, You need to see that video. Act as if your concerned about maybe another student hurting him…. Good job mama for protecting your child and being his voice! 🤍, Contact his case manager and cc the principal. Document everything., I kinda feel like I may be in the same boat. I am so sorry your child got bruised and scratched like that. 💔 We had to switch all of our children to different schools this year, and my child who needs the most supervision is in a smaller classroom this year, but has had more injuries than when he was in a bigger classroom last year. I also got a strange comment from his teacher this year, saying "I hope he isn't having too many tummy issues since he keeps pulling strings from the carpet and trying to eat things." I wish I would have snapped back with "Are you letting my son eat things he shouldn't? “ 🤦🏼‍♀️ But I didn't. Some of his injuries this year were from him rubbing his legs under a chair that had staples pointing out from underneath, and it took the teacher and her aides some time to figure out where it came from. But we're taking pictures., Take many photos and contact the principal. Say your son came back home with these bruises and you know there are cameras in the class and you’d like to see them so you know for yourself what happened. My son is level 3 and is 8, he’s been going to school for many years and I took a habit of taking photos of anything and contacting the teacher or school if needed. Not only do you wanna make sure your kid is not being mistreated but you also want to make sure you don’t gave CPS coming to your house thinking you did it., I understand why you’re worried, we all live in fear of protecting our kids from the world most days so I’m not having a go at you. The most likely explanation here is your kid hurt himself being a 13 year old boy. Banged him arm off a door, tree, car, etc etc. Just going by what you are saying other than the weird vibes there’s never been signs of abuse so it’s kind of mad to jump to abuse with the first mark. Some times our 5 year old goes back into school after a weekend covered in bruises from playing with his younger brother on the trampoline, rough play in the house, falling off scooters (his favourite way to stim is to look up at walls / lights while scooting) also, if it was someone restraining him I’d expect to see something closer to finger lines and not just one big bruise. You could argue it looks like a thumb but then you’d see finger marks on the other side of the hand. So I’m fairly sure that this is nothing, which is good news. But on the off chance it’s not talk to the teacher and ask if they know how it got there. Ask to see the tape to see if he fell or did something you should be concerned about. Leave abuse off the table. Definitely do not involve the cops, if you are right there’s no evidence and nothing will happen. If you’re wrong, well imagine what it be like to be the teacher. Fair enough you don’t like her but she’s doing her job and someone calls the cop on you wrongly without even talking to you or the school first. Would be a very shitty day., Putting this into context, right now, the only thing you know I'd he has a bruise and scratched arm. There's no need to go nuclear in your reaction right now. He's with other children, has a teaching assistant as well as a teacger. On balance, the most likely answer is that he has hurt himself. If this was a safeguarding issue, then the likelihood is that your child would be showing reactions or there would have been some witness, be that adult, peer or canara. You need to simply ask the teacher using the usual channel if she's aware of what happened to his arm. If preferred you could try speaking to the assistant first. Once you have done that then you can review the response. They shouldn't be letting you review the cctv. And nothing would suggest that it needs to be reviewed at this point., Holy shit man. I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and not actually abuse. Please see if there are any cameras around that you can access., I’m certain you will find out soon. There’s cameras and many witnesses., Could it have been another student?, Fellow parent of a nonverbal middle schooler. I exam him every day for signs of any abuse. It's nerve wracking.  Looking at the photos, could your son have scratched himself as he was being defiant? His nails are long. I'm unable to see bruising but could be my bad phone. Hand grabs there would look like small finger circles from the pressure of the grab. I remember seeing these before and having to straighten a therapist out.  I would need to see the tape of the day 100%. Use the OT line if you want . I wouldn't. I like teachers to know I'm advocating for my Nonverbal child and it includes knowing what's happening in your classroom. We're their voices. Period . Was there a note sent home that day or some kind of incident report? Usually there's a call from the nurse if something happens with my son.  I've thought of not sending my son to school because of concerns like this. Every day I'm watching his behavior to see if he's stressed from earlier, checking his body for damage, asking everyone else about his day. He types to talk but not full  conversations yet. He says he likes school and wants to go. I've told him I'll home school him like his brother if he wants. But he keeps asking to go. He enjoys going. I ask id he likes so and so he says yes on his tablet. So I have to think he's really enjoying himself. But I hate sending him there to public school. Some years the teachers are great sometimes they're not. This year he's with a PE Coach turned teacher. Hopefully it works out he seems like he's trying his best for being a Coach lol. But what are the alternatives? You home school they miss out on social skills, they don't have regular hobbies so no karate or piano lessons. I'd like to take him out of school but what else is there for kids like ours?!  I hope this is nothing but a mix up. But never stop asking questions never stop advocating. Go with your gut ,it's all you got! You're amazing and I wish your boy lots of joy, tranquility and strength., Kill whoever done that, I am on a first name based with all the support staff at my son’s school. They know that I am going to show up any time there is an issue. They know that I can be extremely supportive of both sides. I bring them supplies (boxes of snacks, classroom supplies, fidgets, whatever they need). We e-mail, text, or call regularly so they know what’s going on outside of school for him and I know what’s happening in school. That being said they also know that if there is a teacher that I know is crossing lines, behaving unprofessionally, or is knowingly not following his IEP I will rain down fire on that staff. Often times it has been teachers that the support staff themselves have misgivings about but “cant do anything about” themselves because of tenure or it’s out of their scope to do so., 1) just because a teacher uses the “R” word I wouldn’t be thinking too heavy into that. My husband and I have an autistic son and still use the “R” word. To us that word does not apply to him or anyone like him. 2) I 100% absolutely would bring it to the teachers attention 1st and request a review of footage to find out how it happened. I would address it in like “hey we noticed bruises on him and we would just like to know the interaction that accrued so we can adjust and address moving forward.” If the teacher does not corporate go to the principle or superintendent. We’ve gone to the superintendent before because our son was literally being dragged at recess by another student. With that level of pressure I would say it’s either A) another child going through an aggressive phase which the teachers would know immediately and be able to tell you or B) it’s the staff. Your baby comes first protect them at all costs especially since he can’t speak for himself. Our son is fully nonverbal so I can relate to how concerning and frustrating that situation can be., I’d go to the police, the bruises are proof. I’m so sorry, I am infuriated for him!!, That’s a really good idea, and I hadn’t thought of taking that approach. Thank you! I don’t know that they will let *me* view the footage but perhaps it will be enough to get someone’s eyes on it/the room., You can’t casually ask to review video footage just to prevent behavior. It’s a legal process where there has to be a paper trail called FERPA request , in my personal experience I had to hire a lawyer to get it done, Amazing idea! Also the aid still needs to be reported for her inappropriate language, Thanks for the advice. A police report felt like a big jump to me, too, but was one fellow parent’s recommendation. I have zero evidence other than the matching bruises and scratch, though, so I don’t think it would go anywhere (unless the classroom camera showed something else). I’ll definitely start a paper trail and want them to know I am keeping a close eye. If the bruises weren’t matching on both arms, I might chalk it up to a playground or PE accident. But they’re just too perfectly placed to be coincidental, so someone grabbed my child. I just have no way of knowing *who.*, This was a really great comment. , Unfortunately, his school doesn’t have another teacher option. (He’s in a life skills/contained classroom, and there’s only one.) Switching teachers would mean switching schools, which is my only option if we go totally scorched earth., Oh my goodness, your poor baby! Those look horrible. I can’t believe the teacher said those things *to you* — it only makes me wonder what she would have the nerve to say/do to the kids. I’m glad you decided to escalate it… these (especially the armpit bruise) seems like pretty clear abuse to me., Thank you so much for your insight! I am drafting an email to the teacher now; as a teacher, would me CCing the principal be seen as an aggressive move? I am just concerned about retaliation against my son, but I also want them to understand that I’m not playing games with my child here. It’s just a fine line to walk until I know more., It’s just heartbreaking, and one of my biggest fears realized. He’s the sweetest kid and loves his class/going to school, and even if one of them were being mean to him he would still be so kind. The idea of someone hurting him lights such a fire in me, but I’m trying to figure out how to handle this in the best way. My instinct is to make heads roll but I don’t know if that will actually get me anywhere. :(, I disagree with this. When you go in hot you shut them down. They start approaching things with the idea of lawsuits in mind and they share as little as the possibly can get away with and it makes it much harder to get the info you need. You go in there with that being on YOUR mind but hiding it from them. You act as nice as possible so you can gather as much info as you can get. If you scare them into not talking with you, you can’t catch them in lies if there are any if they opt to single stream info and only have principal address you. As things unfold, and you have evidence that points towards abuse of course you escalate. The reason cops are able to get confessions is often by acting like they get it, being friendly. Putting the person at ease makes them more likely to talk, and in talking you can start to pick up on things that aren’t adding up. If you go in making them feel scared, guilty or not they are going to just ask for a lawyer and not talk. You’re not the police obviously, but the basic principle is the same, people talk when they don’t feel threatened and they don’t talk when they feel threatened., THIS. Go in HOT show them that this is noticed and will not be let go of. With a neurotypical child I would say go easy, you don’t want to embarrass them but you are your sons voice in these circumstance’s and you have to advocate or it could escalate., I appreciate your insight! I have another son that is constantly covered in bruises from climbing trees and running into walls/doors/everything, so I totally get the boys+bruises thing. However, this is my cautious and quiet son. He doesn’t climb, doesn’t run, doesn’t jump, etc. They don’t have a playground or recess. He also doesn’t bruise easily, so these are already pretty concerning from the get-go. I can’t imagine how this quiet and calm child could get *two* bruised forearms — one of them now turning purple and blue — plus scratches by sitting quietly in a middle school classroom all day. =/ I don’t take the idea of accusations lightly and hate that this is even a consideration. However, looking at this all today and seeing the bruises in their current state, I am 100% sure that someone put their hands on my child — I just don’t know if it was a teacher or an aide or another student. So, now I need to figure out how to investigate without falsely accusing anyone or burning bridges. https://preview.redd.it/l2cw8fo8gzsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=031098b6e81c5e81bd3d74c3c334ca88b3c0f483, I appreciate the input. Were it a single bruise, I would tend to agree with you/give the benefit of the doubt. But he has two matching bruises, one on the same spot of each forearm. (His right side also has a scratch, and in person looks pretty clearly like two finger-shaped impressions.) I don’t see how he could hurt himself in the same spot on both arms. =/ I will definitely be asking questions, either from the teacher directly or from the principal+teacher. Hopefully that will trigger a review of the classroom footage and, if there’s anything notable shown, we can go from there., Yes, though I feel like that would have been noticed/reported to me. Either way, I’m praying for something like that vs the alternative., Proof of what? They're proof that he got hurt, they're not proof that this particular teacher hurt him. It certainly warrents further investigation though. Even if it was an accident, it should've been checked and documented., And what if it’s oops just not there or they decided it’s against policy to show you :/ please update us, If they do allow you to view it, record it with your phone. In case it’s “lost”., ahhh I'm so sorry I missed that "forearms" was plural. I agree that certainly deserves some assertive discussion, I'm glad you're moving forward so you can determine who/what happened. I would CC the principal as well - this deserves upper-level attention since it's a matching mark on both arms. Maybe an NT kid doesn't need the principal CC'ed in, but your nonverbal son does.  I would be such a mix of emotions if this happened to my son, I'm SO sorry you are sitting with this. My heart breaks even thinking about your sweet boy being targeted in any way, I can't even let my mind go there. I truly hope you get some answers and so hope that it wasn't anything malicious., My son came home limping and i asked what hurt? He put his hands on his knee. It was swollen and warm. I asked teacher what happened just to see and she had no idea. Yet you took him to bus and he had to be limping then(bus driver and i text and she confirmed). X-rays showed no break just bad bruise. Hardest thing of being his momma is sending my nonverbal child to school/ babysitter and just worrying about me not knowing something bad happened. I hope you get things resolved., That is the option then. She’s hurting him! You can’t be worried because they will lie and then you’ll back down. Listen to your instincts, what if you stop her from doing this to many kids? Parent to parent is a great association and so is the https://www.aaidd.org/, It 100% was. Also if anyone is looking for a homeschool program or has thought about it we go through a program called The Autism Oasis. The people who run it are amazing. Zoom meetings weekly with a Special education teacher also. They offer a free zoom call if anyone is interested in just asking questions and getting to know more about the program., I think emailing just the teacher first is fine. After that, if it happens again then attach the special ed director. My son’s classroom got so out of hand at one point I had to call a meeting with the teacher, the VP, and the special ed director. I do not play when it comes to my child. I also had requested a FBA- full behavior assessment so they had to have a follow up meeting trying to figure out what causes some of his “behaviors”. Teacher lasted two months, as soon as a new teacher came in who had more experience with autistic children my son was thriving and he LOVES school now, You go past the teacher. You go to the principal with bruises., To be honest, I don’t think these bruises are from the same thing/ same time. The left bruise looks a few days older than the bruise on the right based on the difference in color. I am not saying that you don’t have reason to be suspicious, or that I wouldn’t also be. I’m just saying that they may not be related, or they are related from similar things on different days. Now that could be something nefarious, or it could be something that makes sense but needs to be changed. Like some physical activity in PE or recess that he tends to get hurt in this way. Something like holding a swing with his hands higher and leaning into the ropes/ chains with his arm. Thats a random thing off the top of my head. I would definitely look into it but it may have a reasonable explanation. Just including a picture in case I couldn’t describe that well https://preview.redd.it/kbwgqd39pvsc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=167d4c6a6fefa7fb9bbe9dec2833f1f750a735d0, Yes and bring it all the way up to superintendent. Legit go crazy. Get a lawyer involved if you can afford

How to help my 10yo with his significantly reduced frustration tolerance over the last month

Hi friends! Long time reader, first time poster. My wife and I are looking for some advice for how to best help our 10 yo with a new development. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at 4 and has been been in SPED but is now in a mainstream classroom with an aid. He’s highly verbal, intelligent, and is on medication for his ADHD for the last several years. He’s a wonderful kid and I’m looking to help him more at home. He’s always had some elements of anxiety and struggled with large groups, noise, and transition. Normal-ish stuff. But over the last month or so, his ability to manage his anxiety and his frustration has seemed to regress sharply. He’s having a harder time going to school each day, staying at school, and going out of the house to do community activities. And then at the house, he’s almost lost the ability to take direction or instruction from my wife or I without reacting like we’re coming down on him like a ton of bricks. Small example: this morning he took off his headphones roughly, dropping them from his standing position straight to the ground and I was in the room and reminded him to do that gently as he’s broken 3 pairs in the last year. His face got contorted and he started crying, saying he couldn’t believe I would be so mean to say that to him. He stalked out of the room and after a few minutes I followed up with him and he was on the couch, still upset. I told him I wanted to help and asked how he was doing and what could I do to help. He said he said he was too tired for school, he’d gotten breakfast late and was upset about that, couldn’t handle the noise of the classroom anymore, and just wanted to stay home. These are all things he’s managed in the past with one strategy or another but his frustration tolerance has regressed to almost nothing. Has anyone dealt with this at a similar age that can maybe help me better understand what he’s going through or what questions I can ask him or strategies I can try to introduce to him?

Not sure where you're located but we notice these things increase the longer we have poor weather. It's been raining here for like 7 days now and my son hasn't had outside recess, then tries to play in the rain at home but it's cold and he gets irritated over that then., My 16 year old used to get like this in April/May every single year. I think the school year is just too long for him to handle and all the frustrations from the year stacked on top of each other is just too much to handle by the end of the year. He absolutely is loving high school though, so no issues the last two years (at least yet)., Ok so potentially a year-end burnout reality. Interesting. That’s super helpful information and I so appreciate you taking the time to share it! So maybe we can help by throttling back expectations away from school for the time being until year-end., Not sure where you're located but we notice these things increase the longer we have poor weather. It's been raining here for like 7 days now and my son hasn't had outside recess, then tries to play in the rain at home but it's cold and he gets irritated over that then., My 16 year old used to get like this in April/May every single year. I think the school year is just too long for him to handle and all the frustrations from the year stacked on top of each other is just too much to handle by the end of the year. He absolutely is loving high school though, so no issues the last two years (at least yet)., Ok so potentially a year-end burnout reality. Interesting. That’s super helpful information and I so appreciate you taking the time to share it! So maybe we can help by throttling back expectations away from school for the time being until year-end., Not sure where you're located but we notice these things increase the longer we have poor weather. It's been raining here for like 7 days now and my son hasn't had outside recess, then tries to play in the rain at home but it's cold and he gets irritated over that then., My 16 year old used to get like this in April/May every single year. I think the school year is just too long for him to handle and all the frustrations from the year stacked on top of each other is just too much to handle by the end of the year. He absolutely is loving high school though, so no issues the last two years (at least yet)., Ok so potentially a year-end burnout reality. Interesting. That’s super helpful information and I so appreciate you taking the time to share it! So maybe we can help by throttling back expectations away from school for the time being until year-end., Not sure where you're located but we notice these things increase the longer we have poor weather. It's been raining here for like 7 days now and my son hasn't had outside recess, then tries to play in the rain at home but it's cold and he gets irritated over that then., My 16 year old used to get like this in April/May every single year. I think the school year is just too long for him to handle and all the frustrations from the year stacked on top of each other is just too much to handle by the end of the year. He absolutely is loving high school though, so no issues the last two years (at least yet)., Ok so potentially a year-end burnout reality. Interesting. That’s super helpful information and I so appreciate you taking the time to share it! So maybe we can help by throttling back expectations away from school for the time being until year-end.

How to stop a behavior?

Hi everyone, My husband and I live in a household that has a young autistic child. Of late we have found that he and I tend to be targets for his pinching/biting/kicking/hair pulling behaviors. We have tried saying "no thank you" "we dont -insert behavior- Aunt or uncle" "lets go find something else to do" or even just leaving the room. Its getting to the point that neither of us feel 100% comfortable being in the common areas of the house because we can't get the behavior to stop. Kiddos mom gives us the same tools and tells us not to make it a game by saying ow but I have literal wounds on my arms from this childs pinching. What are other methods of stopping the behavior?

It sounds like the parents have been taught to redirect the behavior which is what was also suggested to me by all the professionals I consulted with. Just block and walk away and have parents deal with redirecting if you don’t agree with it, It's not going to stop unless there are consequences like timeouts/screentime limits, whatever the parents use (or in thise case apparently don't use.), Thank you for replying. I will do so., Not sure the age we are dealing with here but timeouts/screentime restrictions are often ineffective for autistic children with sensory impulse like is being described, especially in younger children.  The parents really should help the child through OT and other redirectional methods (turning scratching into petting, turning pinching skin into pinching foam, etc.), Well rats. Thank you for responding. He doesn't get consequences that I've seen except natural ones (ie he climbs something he shouldn't and falls and gets hurt)., Maybe I'll grab some craft foam and see if that works as a redirect., Consequences don't work with stuff like this. I would suggest getting a bunch of stress balls and showing him how to pinch it. Keep them on hand all the time and redirect with them. Also don't react, it's quite likely he isn't understanding he's causing you pain. It's an impulse, and a reaction could make it harder to break. It's not gonna change overnight, 3 months in here and my 4.5 year old is finally starting to pinch them consistently instead of me., It sounds like the parents have been taught to redirect the behavior which is what was also suggested to me by all the professionals I consulted with. Just block and walk away and have parents deal with redirecting if you don’t agree with it, It's not going to stop unless there are consequences like timeouts/screentime limits, whatever the parents use (or in thise case apparently don't use.), Thank you for replying. I will do so., Not sure the age we are dealing with here but timeouts/screentime restrictions are often ineffective for autistic children with sensory impulse like is being described, especially in younger children.  The parents really should help the child through OT and other redirectional methods (turning scratching into petting, turning pinching skin into pinching foam, etc.), Well rats. Thank you for responding. He doesn't get consequences that I've seen except natural ones (ie he climbs something he shouldn't and falls and gets hurt)., Maybe I'll grab some craft foam and see if that works as a redirect., Consequences don't work with stuff like this. I would suggest getting a bunch of stress balls and showing him how to pinch it. Keep them on hand all the time and redirect with them. Also don't react, it's quite likely he isn't understanding he's causing you pain. It's an impulse, and a reaction could make it harder to break. It's not gonna change overnight, 3 months in here and my 4.5 year old is finally starting to pinch them consistently instead of me., It sounds like the parents have been taught to redirect the behavior which is what was also suggested to me by all the professionals I consulted with. Just block and walk away and have parents deal with redirecting if you don’t agree with it, It's not going to stop unless there are consequences like timeouts/screentime limits, whatever the parents use (or in thise case apparently don't use.), Thank you for replying. I will do so., Not sure the age we are dealing with here but timeouts/screentime restrictions are often ineffective for autistic children with sensory impulse like is being described, especially in younger children.  The parents really should help the child through OT and other redirectional methods (turning scratching into petting, turning pinching skin into pinching foam, etc.), Well rats. Thank you for responding. He doesn't get consequences that I've seen except natural ones (ie he climbs something he shouldn't and falls and gets hurt)., Maybe I'll grab some craft foam and see if that works as a redirect., Consequences don't work with stuff like this. I would suggest getting a bunch of stress balls and showing him how to pinch it. Keep them on hand all the time and redirect with them. Also don't react, it's quite likely he isn't understanding he's causing you pain. It's an impulse, and a reaction could make it harder to break. It's not gonna change overnight, 3 months in here and my 4.5 year old is finally starting to pinch them consistently instead of me., It sounds like the parents have been taught to redirect the behavior which is what was also suggested to me by all the professionals I consulted with. Just block and walk away and have parents deal with redirecting if you don’t agree with it, It's not going to stop unless there are consequences like timeouts/screentime limits, whatever the parents use (or in thise case apparently don't use.), Thank you for replying. I will do so., Not sure the age we are dealing with here but timeouts/screentime restrictions are often ineffective for autistic children with sensory impulse like is being described, especially in younger children.  The parents really should help the child through OT and other redirectional methods (turning scratching into petting, turning pinching skin into pinching foam, etc.), Well rats. Thank you for responding. He doesn't get consequences that I've seen except natural ones (ie he climbs something he shouldn't and falls and gets hurt)., Maybe I'll grab some craft foam and see if that works as a redirect., Consequences don't work with stuff like this. I would suggest getting a bunch of stress balls and showing him how to pinch it. Keep them on hand all the time and redirect with them. Also don't react, it's quite likely he isn't understanding he's causing you pain. It's an impulse, and a reaction could make it harder to break. It's not gonna change overnight, 3 months in here and my 4.5 year old is finally starting to pinch them consistently instead of me.

How to support my 1 year old

So me and my partner both believe strongly our 1 year old has autism. He shows alot of the signs such as not responding to his name, no eye contact, flaps his arms alot, likes to spin around etc. We've taken him to the doctors recently and they've referred him for some extra support from the health visitor. Their proffesional opinion they couldn't comment on him at this stage as he may improve in his progression however me and my partner have come to accept it and want to support him the best way we can. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

What's a "health visitor" and what do they do? Sorry, im just not sure since we didn't have that. Is he in early intervention? Doing speech, occupational, maybe physical therapy if he needs it? Most kids are diagnosed until they are a little older but if he qualifies for therapies, that might help., Is the health visitor thing similar to early intervention? If you have the means you can get into private speech therapy, or try to get into a public one if you can without a diagnosis?, Health visitor is what we get in the UK for the first 2 years of a babies life just to check they are progressing as they should, Ooo I'm sorry. I'm in the US, from the sounds of it, UK is harder to deal with. 🫂, Alot more bureaucracy, What's a "health visitor" and what do they do? Sorry, im just not sure since we didn't have that. Is he in early intervention? Doing speech, occupational, maybe physical therapy if he needs it? Most kids are diagnosed until they are a little older but if he qualifies for therapies, that might help., Is the health visitor thing similar to early intervention? If you have the means you can get into private speech therapy, or try to get into a public one if you can without a diagnosis?, Health visitor is what we get in the UK for the first 2 years of a babies life just to check they are progressing as they should, Ooo I'm sorry. I'm in the US, from the sounds of it, UK is harder to deal with. 🫂, Alot more bureaucracy, What's a "health visitor" and what do they do? Sorry, im just not sure since we didn't have that. Is he in early intervention? Doing speech, occupational, maybe physical therapy if he needs it? Most kids are diagnosed until they are a little older but if he qualifies for therapies, that might help., Is the health visitor thing similar to early intervention? If you have the means you can get into private speech therapy, or try to get into a public one if you can without a diagnosis?, Health visitor is what we get in the UK for the first 2 years of a babies life just to check they are progressing as they should, Ooo I'm sorry. I'm in the US, from the sounds of it, UK is harder to deal with. 🫂, Alot more bureaucracy, What's a "health visitor" and what do they do? Sorry, im just not sure since we didn't have that. Is he in early intervention? Doing speech, occupational, maybe physical therapy if he needs it? Most kids are diagnosed until they are a little older but if he qualifies for therapies, that might help., Is the health visitor thing similar to early intervention? If you have the means you can get into private speech therapy, or try to get into a public one if you can without a diagnosis?, Health visitor is what we get in the UK for the first 2 years of a babies life just to check they are progressing as they should, Ooo I'm sorry. I'm in the US, from the sounds of it, UK is harder to deal with. 🫂, Alot more bureaucracy

How to support my child sensory needs as he is constantly stimming

Hi to all amazing parents: My 3.5 year old son is CONSTANTLY stimming. Can’t stay seated, very and I genuinely mean VERY loud vocal stimming like saying BAM, PAM, BOOM, and growling sound, licking himself, playing with his saliva and teeth grinding. (We took him to the dentist and he recommended to give him crunchy food like apples and celery) For his oral stimming I tried over 10 different chewies and chewy jewelry and he just licks it for a sec and dumps it on the floor. I even spent 50 bucks on fancy once that has different heads but nope! His therapist recommended them but as of now, nothing. (He is in speech and occupational therapy. We have his school evaluation later this month, and in waiting list for ABA.) My question is since his stims are usually more than 2 hours long, what can I do to help him get regulated a bit? I am just so worried that he is just suffering or something because of being unregulated. I kind of guess he is bored but he doesn’t play with me for more than 3-5 mins, nor does he play by himself. Is there like a sensory diet I can provide to satisfy his needs? Are there toys, activities or food that I can offer to help him? Thank you in advance for helping a worried mom

Try a compression vest. Our son was the same way., Trampoline or crash pad?, The spit eeeeew. That’s been my weekend., Aw, your little guy sounds so much like my son when he was little. He’s 10 now, they grow up fast. My son loves his swing. We have the one linked. [swing](https://www.amazon.com/Sorbus-Hammock-Loungers-Capacity-Adjustable/dp/B0711CJ3TQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_16_sspa?crid=1TZIEV4ICOWQ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.p2yAlZ_3fauJpVKjIyk8MnVuOku56Cqk454b5GyJOowgfV-Lky_J-0JnRX_E_cnjgYsTWnjlDta0f3U53gnCUWXzFkz5KZk9OMsbQLWh4OQ5IgIlx3gx7yRo4hBfKJOYbyN1WulMTXWyU5xZSeT0uubkSXMaj2lH5qQ96ejS9eVixuOJ2SRMoiY5SLiplKDe-rZkBv-IxrX9JVp4sCHhvQ.qSrSZdQMi6gjTm6c5Mjz1VDaUuySeVhkf2HaqvPOdAw&dib_tag=se&keywords=indoor+stand+for+swing&qid=1710208278&sprefix=indoor+stand+for+swing%2Caps%2C163&sr=8-16-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmX25leHQ&psc=1), Vibration might help (except with the drooling, sorry). Look at one of those vibrating teethers; they're fairly inexpensive., Maybe try the Figgy Play Couch? Helps with my daughter when she's bouncing around all over the house :) [https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch](https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch), I will do it. Is there a specific brand you would recommend?, Trampoline is on my list. May I know if crash pad is a mattress or not? (Sorry I didn’t know the term and google it just now), Yea! I have been saying tissue for the past 3 months but nope…, SAME. and snot when kiddo is sick. Eww. I haven't found anything that helps., Thank you for the suggestion. I will put that on my list too. Hopefully something will work out as I feel super clueless and bad that my baby has to try so hard to regulate himself and I am incapable of helping much., The 50 bucks one does vibrate. As a parent suggested I will try redirecting him into the chewy and see if he starts to show interest., I ordered mine from Amazon! https://a.co/d/2r9QtOo, We have a crash pad and my kid loves it! If she’s having a rough time I suggest she jump on it (from the couch to the crash pad) we also have a swing and spinning on that is fun for her too. Spinning has always helped her stim. I try to prevent the big stuff so if I know she needs to “keep it together” somewhere I have her regulate before she goes and as needed where we are. Running in circles, squeezes from us. Idk if this is helpful because um just noticing vocal stims in my daughter but does purposely going outside and doing them at the start of the day help? Like encourage it. My daughter also chews her fingers. I have tried teething necklaces too and she’s just now taking interest in the Lego shaped one. She tears her little fingers up. When I see her chewing I try to replace it with a less dangerous activity like you said crunchy things or squeezing, stretching balls., Highly recommend the trampoline! My toddler jumps all the time, it helps her stay regulated and is fun for her too. You can buy a crash pad (they can be expensive) or use a mattress. We use her old crib mattress. My daughter didn’t like the chewies at first either. But we spent a lot of time redirecting her and now she seeks them out. We have a bunch of different ones that we store in a fun colorful bin and she thinks they’re neat., I settled on it can’t go on anyone but you, and you have to wash your hands extra. He’s complying with that as well as a 4yo can, A FIFTY DOLLAR chewy that vibrates?? Just...wow. Unless it also makes dinner and cleans the cat box; then maybe LOL., Thank you so much, He does vocal stim like almost all his awake time, whether seated, eating, running, watching TV, while laying down,… but I will try your suggestion of doing it outside with him in the later morning time and see if that helps. Definitely will look into stretch balls, thank you so much., Redirecting is what I will try to do. Thank you for that., He doesn’t put his hands on others just yet but cleans it with his pants, but I will definitely try to get sanitizer sprays and do that at home too as he doesn’t mind to rub santizer to his hands with my help when we are out. Hopefully mine will workout something with me too., lol! Seriously I agree. His therapist recommended this and it’s such a waste at this moment for me https://a.co/d/7UeRXzP, I hope it helps! Also we get over stimulated too so don’t feel bad if you need ear plugs that dampen the sound., Holy sheep poop. I mean, it's...nice. I seriously hope they trialed different kinds for a few sessions before recommending it specifically. Cause I gotta say, after 30+ years as an OT, I am dumbfounded at how expensive "therapeutic" tools are, especially when there are reasonable substitutes available. Test running something safe, durable, inexpensive and easy to replace if lost or broken is a no brainer to me. Sorry, I kinda went into left field, but this is a pet peeve of mine., I bought this too and she wants nothing to do with it 🤦‍♀️, I totally agree. I actually brought it up to the therapist that I wish she would have waited before asking me to buy this as he isn’t into chewy not one bit. Next time I will wait on purchasing expensive stuff when we are at beginning of training or stage. She didn’t like my honesty but at least she knows where I stand., Ughhh I am sorry it happened to you too. I tried to not look at it for past couple days as it annoys me, Good for you. As the mom of a 19 yr old kid with HFA and an OT, I firmly believe our kids should not be getting treatment as an isolated being, and having the family input on things is necessary! Btw, those rash guard shirts they make for swimming at the beach? An alternative to compression vests and a less expensive way to see if it would be a useful tool. Just make sure it fits snugly., Thank you so much for the suggestion for the vest. Will look into it now, Try a compression vest. Our son was the same way., Trampoline or crash pad?, The spit eeeeew. That’s been my weekend., Aw, your little guy sounds so much like my son when he was little. He’s 10 now, they grow up fast. My son loves his swing. We have the one linked. [swing](https://www.amazon.com/Sorbus-Hammock-Loungers-Capacity-Adjustable/dp/B0711CJ3TQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_16_sspa?crid=1TZIEV4ICOWQ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.p2yAlZ_3fauJpVKjIyk8MnVuOku56Cqk454b5GyJOowgfV-Lky_J-0JnRX_E_cnjgYsTWnjlDta0f3U53gnCUWXzFkz5KZk9OMsbQLWh4OQ5IgIlx3gx7yRo4hBfKJOYbyN1WulMTXWyU5xZSeT0uubkSXMaj2lH5qQ96ejS9eVixuOJ2SRMoiY5SLiplKDe-rZkBv-IxrX9JVp4sCHhvQ.qSrSZdQMi6gjTm6c5Mjz1VDaUuySeVhkf2HaqvPOdAw&dib_tag=se&keywords=indoor+stand+for+swing&qid=1710208278&sprefix=indoor+stand+for+swing%2Caps%2C163&sr=8-16-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmX25leHQ&psc=1), Vibration might help (except with the drooling, sorry). Look at one of those vibrating teethers; they're fairly inexpensive., Maybe try the Figgy Play Couch? Helps with my daughter when she's bouncing around all over the house :) [https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch](https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch), I will do it. Is there a specific brand you would recommend?, Trampoline is on my list. May I know if crash pad is a mattress or not? (Sorry I didn’t know the term and google it just now), Yea! I have been saying tissue for the past 3 months but nope…, SAME. and snot when kiddo is sick. Eww. I haven't found anything that helps., Thank you for the suggestion. I will put that on my list too. Hopefully something will work out as I feel super clueless and bad that my baby has to try so hard to regulate himself and I am incapable of helping much., The 50 bucks one does vibrate. As a parent suggested I will try redirecting him into the chewy and see if he starts to show interest., I ordered mine from Amazon! https://a.co/d/2r9QtOo, We have a crash pad and my kid loves it! If she’s having a rough time I suggest she jump on it (from the couch to the crash pad) we also have a swing and spinning on that is fun for her too. Spinning has always helped her stim. I try to prevent the big stuff so if I know she needs to “keep it together” somewhere I have her regulate before she goes and as needed where we are. Running in circles, squeezes from us. Idk if this is helpful because um just noticing vocal stims in my daughter but does purposely going outside and doing them at the start of the day help? Like encourage it. My daughter also chews her fingers. I have tried teething necklaces too and she’s just now taking interest in the Lego shaped one. She tears her little fingers up. When I see her chewing I try to replace it with a less dangerous activity like you said crunchy things or squeezing, stretching balls., Highly recommend the trampoline! My toddler jumps all the time, it helps her stay regulated and is fun for her too. You can buy a crash pad (they can be expensive) or use a mattress. We use her old crib mattress. My daughter didn’t like the chewies at first either. But we spent a lot of time redirecting her and now she seeks them out. We have a bunch of different ones that we store in a fun colorful bin and she thinks they’re neat., I settled on it can’t go on anyone but you, and you have to wash your hands extra. He’s complying with that as well as a 4yo can, A FIFTY DOLLAR chewy that vibrates?? Just...wow. Unless it also makes dinner and cleans the cat box; then maybe LOL., Thank you so much, He does vocal stim like almost all his awake time, whether seated, eating, running, watching TV, while laying down,… but I will try your suggestion of doing it outside with him in the later morning time and see if that helps. Definitely will look into stretch balls, thank you so much., Redirecting is what I will try to do. Thank you for that., He doesn’t put his hands on others just yet but cleans it with his pants, but I will definitely try to get sanitizer sprays and do that at home too as he doesn’t mind to rub santizer to his hands with my help when we are out. Hopefully mine will workout something with me too., lol! Seriously I agree. His therapist recommended this and it’s such a waste at this moment for me https://a.co/d/7UeRXzP, I hope it helps! Also we get over stimulated too so don’t feel bad if you need ear plugs that dampen the sound., Holy sheep poop. I mean, it's...nice. I seriously hope they trialed different kinds for a few sessions before recommending it specifically. Cause I gotta say, after 30+ years as an OT, I am dumbfounded at how expensive "therapeutic" tools are, especially when there are reasonable substitutes available. Test running something safe, durable, inexpensive and easy to replace if lost or broken is a no brainer to me. Sorry, I kinda went into left field, but this is a pet peeve of mine., I bought this too and she wants nothing to do with it 🤦‍♀️, I totally agree. I actually brought it up to the therapist that I wish she would have waited before asking me to buy this as he isn’t into chewy not one bit. Next time I will wait on purchasing expensive stuff when we are at beginning of training or stage. She didn’t like my honesty but at least she knows where I stand., Ughhh I am sorry it happened to you too. I tried to not look at it for past couple days as it annoys me, Good for you. As the mom of a 19 yr old kid with HFA and an OT, I firmly believe our kids should not be getting treatment as an isolated being, and having the family input on things is necessary! Btw, those rash guard shirts they make for swimming at the beach? An alternative to compression vests and a less expensive way to see if it would be a useful tool. Just make sure it fits snugly., Thank you so much for the suggestion for the vest. Will look into it now, Try a compression vest. Our son was the same way., Trampoline or crash pad?, The spit eeeeew. That’s been my weekend., Aw, your little guy sounds so much like my son when he was little. He’s 10 now, they grow up fast. My son loves his swing. We have the one linked. [swing](https://www.amazon.com/Sorbus-Hammock-Loungers-Capacity-Adjustable/dp/B0711CJ3TQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_16_sspa?crid=1TZIEV4ICOWQ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.p2yAlZ_3fauJpVKjIyk8MnVuOku56Cqk454b5GyJOowgfV-Lky_J-0JnRX_E_cnjgYsTWnjlDta0f3U53gnCUWXzFkz5KZk9OMsbQLWh4OQ5IgIlx3gx7yRo4hBfKJOYbyN1WulMTXWyU5xZSeT0uubkSXMaj2lH5qQ96ejS9eVixuOJ2SRMoiY5SLiplKDe-rZkBv-IxrX9JVp4sCHhvQ.qSrSZdQMi6gjTm6c5Mjz1VDaUuySeVhkf2HaqvPOdAw&dib_tag=se&keywords=indoor+stand+for+swing&qid=1710208278&sprefix=indoor+stand+for+swing%2Caps%2C163&sr=8-16-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmX25leHQ&psc=1), Vibration might help (except with the drooling, sorry). Look at one of those vibrating teethers; they're fairly inexpensive., Maybe try the Figgy Play Couch? Helps with my daughter when she's bouncing around all over the house :) [https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch](https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch), I will do it. Is there a specific brand you would recommend?, Trampoline is on my list. May I know if crash pad is a mattress or not? (Sorry I didn’t know the term and google it just now), Yea! I have been saying tissue for the past 3 months but nope…, SAME. and snot when kiddo is sick. Eww. I haven't found anything that helps., Thank you for the suggestion. I will put that on my list too. Hopefully something will work out as I feel super clueless and bad that my baby has to try so hard to regulate himself and I am incapable of helping much., The 50 bucks one does vibrate. As a parent suggested I will try redirecting him into the chewy and see if he starts to show interest., I ordered mine from Amazon! https://a.co/d/2r9QtOo, We have a crash pad and my kid loves it! If she’s having a rough time I suggest she jump on it (from the couch to the crash pad) we also have a swing and spinning on that is fun for her too. Spinning has always helped her stim. I try to prevent the big stuff so if I know she needs to “keep it together” somewhere I have her regulate before she goes and as needed where we are. Running in circles, squeezes from us. Idk if this is helpful because um just noticing vocal stims in my daughter but does purposely going outside and doing them at the start of the day help? Like encourage it. My daughter also chews her fingers. I have tried teething necklaces too and she’s just now taking interest in the Lego shaped one. She tears her little fingers up. When I see her chewing I try to replace it with a less dangerous activity like you said crunchy things or squeezing, stretching balls., Highly recommend the trampoline! My toddler jumps all the time, it helps her stay regulated and is fun for her too. You can buy a crash pad (they can be expensive) or use a mattress. We use her old crib mattress. My daughter didn’t like the chewies at first either. But we spent a lot of time redirecting her and now she seeks them out. We have a bunch of different ones that we store in a fun colorful bin and she thinks they’re neat., I settled on it can’t go on anyone but you, and you have to wash your hands extra. He’s complying with that as well as a 4yo can, A FIFTY DOLLAR chewy that vibrates?? Just...wow. Unless it also makes dinner and cleans the cat box; then maybe LOL., Thank you so much, He does vocal stim like almost all his awake time, whether seated, eating, running, watching TV, while laying down,… but I will try your suggestion of doing it outside with him in the later morning time and see if that helps. Definitely will look into stretch balls, thank you so much., Redirecting is what I will try to do. Thank you for that., He doesn’t put his hands on others just yet but cleans it with his pants, but I will definitely try to get sanitizer sprays and do that at home too as he doesn’t mind to rub santizer to his hands with my help when we are out. Hopefully mine will workout something with me too., lol! Seriously I agree. His therapist recommended this and it’s such a waste at this moment for me https://a.co/d/7UeRXzP, I hope it helps! Also we get over stimulated too so don’t feel bad if you need ear plugs that dampen the sound., Holy sheep poop. I mean, it's...nice. I seriously hope they trialed different kinds for a few sessions before recommending it specifically. Cause I gotta say, after 30+ years as an OT, I am dumbfounded at how expensive "therapeutic" tools are, especially when there are reasonable substitutes available. Test running something safe, durable, inexpensive and easy to replace if lost or broken is a no brainer to me. Sorry, I kinda went into left field, but this is a pet peeve of mine., I bought this too and she wants nothing to do with it 🤦‍♀️, I totally agree. I actually brought it up to the therapist that I wish she would have waited before asking me to buy this as he isn’t into chewy not one bit. Next time I will wait on purchasing expensive stuff when we are at beginning of training or stage. She didn’t like my honesty but at least she knows where I stand., Ughhh I am sorry it happened to you too. I tried to not look at it for past couple days as it annoys me, Good for you. As the mom of a 19 yr old kid with HFA and an OT, I firmly believe our kids should not be getting treatment as an isolated being, and having the family input on things is necessary! Btw, those rash guard shirts they make for swimming at the beach? An alternative to compression vests and a less expensive way to see if it would be a useful tool. Just make sure it fits snugly., Thank you so much for the suggestion for the vest. Will look into it now, Try a compression vest. Our son was the same way., Trampoline or crash pad?, The spit eeeeew. That’s been my weekend., Aw, your little guy sounds so much like my son when he was little. He’s 10 now, they grow up fast. My son loves his swing. We have the one linked. [swing](https://www.amazon.com/Sorbus-Hammock-Loungers-Capacity-Adjustable/dp/B0711CJ3TQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_16_sspa?crid=1TZIEV4ICOWQ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.p2yAlZ_3fauJpVKjIyk8MnVuOku56Cqk454b5GyJOowgfV-Lky_J-0JnRX_E_cnjgYsTWnjlDta0f3U53gnCUWXzFkz5KZk9OMsbQLWh4OQ5IgIlx3gx7yRo4hBfKJOYbyN1WulMTXWyU5xZSeT0uubkSXMaj2lH5qQ96ejS9eVixuOJ2SRMoiY5SLiplKDe-rZkBv-IxrX9JVp4sCHhvQ.qSrSZdQMi6gjTm6c5Mjz1VDaUuySeVhkf2HaqvPOdAw&dib_tag=se&keywords=indoor+stand+for+swing&qid=1710208278&sprefix=indoor+stand+for+swing%2Caps%2C163&sr=8-16-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmX25leHQ&psc=1), Vibration might help (except with the drooling, sorry). Look at one of those vibrating teethers; they're fairly inexpensive., Maybe try the Figgy Play Couch? Helps with my daughter when she's bouncing around all over the house :) [https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch](https://www.newtonbaby.com/products/newton-figgy-play-couch), I will do it. Is there a specific brand you would recommend?, Trampoline is on my list. May I know if crash pad is a mattress or not? (Sorry I didn’t know the term and google it just now), Yea! I have been saying tissue for the past 3 months but nope…, SAME. and snot when kiddo is sick. Eww. I haven't found anything that helps., Thank you for the suggestion. I will put that on my list too. Hopefully something will work out as I feel super clueless and bad that my baby has to try so hard to regulate himself and I am incapable of helping much., The 50 bucks one does vibrate. As a parent suggested I will try redirecting him into the chewy and see if he starts to show interest., I ordered mine from Amazon! https://a.co/d/2r9QtOo, We have a crash pad and my kid loves it! If she’s having a rough time I suggest she jump on it (from the couch to the crash pad) we also have a swing and spinning on that is fun for her too. Spinning has always helped her stim. I try to prevent the big stuff so if I know she needs to “keep it together” somewhere I have her regulate before she goes and as needed where we are. Running in circles, squeezes from us. Idk if this is helpful because um just noticing vocal stims in my daughter but does purposely going outside and doing them at the start of the day help? Like encourage it. My daughter also chews her fingers. I have tried teething necklaces too and she’s just now taking interest in the Lego shaped one. She tears her little fingers up. When I see her chewing I try to replace it with a less dangerous activity like you said crunchy things or squeezing, stretching balls., Highly recommend the trampoline! My toddler jumps all the time, it helps her stay regulated and is fun for her too. You can buy a crash pad (they can be expensive) or use a mattress. We use her old crib mattress. My daughter didn’t like the chewies at first either. But we spent a lot of time redirecting her and now she seeks them out. We have a bunch of different ones that we store in a fun colorful bin and she thinks they’re neat., I settled on it can’t go on anyone but you, and you have to wash your hands extra. He’s complying with that as well as a 4yo can, A FIFTY DOLLAR chewy that vibrates?? Just...wow. Unless it also makes dinner and cleans the cat box; then maybe LOL., Thank you so much, He does vocal stim like almost all his awake time, whether seated, eating, running, watching TV, while laying down,… but I will try your suggestion of doing it outside with him in the later morning time and see if that helps. Definitely will look into stretch balls, thank you so much., Redirecting is what I will try to do. Thank you for that., He doesn’t put his hands on others just yet but cleans it with his pants, but I will definitely try to get sanitizer sprays and do that at home too as he doesn’t mind to rub santizer to his hands with my help when we are out. Hopefully mine will workout something with me too., lol! Seriously I agree. His therapist recommended this and it’s such a waste at this moment for me https://a.co/d/7UeRXzP, I hope it helps! Also we get over stimulated too so don’t feel bad if you need ear plugs that dampen the sound., Holy sheep poop. I mean, it's...nice. I seriously hope they trialed different kinds for a few sessions before recommending it specifically. Cause I gotta say, after 30+ years as an OT, I am dumbfounded at how expensive "therapeutic" tools are, especially when there are reasonable substitutes available. Test running something safe, durable, inexpensive and easy to replace if lost or broken is a no brainer to me. Sorry, I kinda went into left field, but this is a pet peeve of mine., I bought this too and she wants nothing to do with it 🤦‍♀️, I totally agree. I actually brought it up to the therapist that I wish she would have waited before asking me to buy this as he isn’t into chewy not one bit. Next time I will wait on purchasing expensive stuff when we are at beginning of training or stage. She didn’t like my honesty but at least she knows where I stand., Ughhh I am sorry it happened to you too. I tried to not look at it for past couple days as it annoys me, Good for you. As the mom of a 19 yr old kid with HFA and an OT, I firmly believe our kids should not be getting treatment as an isolated being, and having the family input on things is necessary! Btw, those rash guard shirts they make for swimming at the beach? An alternative to compression vests and a less expensive way to see if it would be a useful tool. Just make sure it fits snugly., Thank you so much for the suggestion for the vest. Will look into it now

How to teach imitation skills?

Hello parents. I have a 20 months little one, that doesn't copy/imitate any gesture made at him or even asked for him to do 😟 do you know some way on how to teach this type of skill on these little special ones? My toddler doesn't imitate me, he have picked up on how to self feed with his hand, he use the spoon to feed himself or to feed me (playing), he knows how to take off his pants and socks (I guess he have learned from the fact of me doing all these tasks every day on him) but I really would like him to learn how to imitate gestures, but I haven't find a way on how to do this (I try imitating him followed by me doing something hoping he follows me, but it have being of no used) sometimes I even feel he is selective on what to imitate and what not, if I point at him with my index finger he points back at my hand using his index finger (when his pointing is usually atypical *he uses his whole hand open*) Is there some tip for this?

I would start with play time. If it’s something he finds funny or entertaining he might be more inclined to do it as well. My some loved it when I would put something on my head and then pretend to sneeze it off. He eventually would put it on my head and then on his own head. I really had to get silly with him for him to start repeating what I did. Or with books, exaggerating gestures every time something comes up. Like when there is a truck, hand motion and say beep beep!, Same, I have a 19.5 month old. She doesn't copy. She used to, but regressed with that skill. So, I gave up trying to restimulate that skill. Rather, I've been focusing on building routines so she knows what's "next" ... I do still gesture / talk to her when we play, but I accepted that she likely won't talk anytime soon. I did buy her a pointer toy (it's a finger on a stick) and was able to teach her fairly quickly how to point with that. So, once she's 24 months, if she's still completely non-verbal, I was planning on buying her a communication device to help her "talk" and also look into sign language classes to make "talking" fun., Copying her actions and sounds might help! This demonstrates your connection to her, potentially makes her feel powerful, and also introduces the concept of what imitation is. One thing that helped my kid with imitation was our whole family banging spoons on the table and the wall, like a drum circle. We were all having such a good time he couldn't help but want to join in., My daughter is 21mo and she just started imitating last month. She really likes singing and music, and I've been showing her different actions through songs for awhile now (for example head, shoulders, knees, toes), and suddenly one day she started copying me. Now she copies me when we play, she tries to copy words but it's just gibberish for now, she is trying though! I truly think the singing helped her because she's actually interested in music, but not so much talking lol. I'm not sure if your son has the same interests but it might be worth a shot 😊, Thanks for the feedback. It surely needs lots of work to get these little ones to engaged into something, I can understand the concept of doing something my kiddo may find fun so he will be more incline to copy it...what I'm trying to teach him is how to wave (ppl always expect toddler to wave hi or bye and my little one just stay smiling 🙄) thinking on ways how to turn the waving gesture into something interesting that my toddler will copy back.. He loves loud sound, but I still can't think about connecting waving with sound to turn it interesting 🤪, I'm sorry your little one regressed in that skill, I haven't have that experience yet, but I know how dissapointing can one potentially feel knowing once it was certain way and now we need to start from zero again... My toddler until now haven't had regressions he just develop/progress more slower than what he should, so he is globally delayed 😬 he is speech delayed (he have 4 words with context and 2 without context) is able to have a 'babbling' conversation with someone 😂 but still non-verbal for his age, his pointing is atypical *whole hand pointing* with humming include (he have to make sure he gets your attention while pointing, so he makes a terrible sound *like a mouse squeak* and looks at you 😬). Unfortunately were I live they don't test for autism on kids younger than 3 years old, so his diagnosed is GDD for now, but definetely I believe he is on the spectrum., Thanks 🥰 my little one loves loud sound so I can fully say is the only thing I believe he will always imitate me or anyone doing, hitting the xylophone with sticks (he does imitate that) hitting a drum toy with hands (he does imitate that) but if I wave at him for example, he just laugh and doesn't imitate the gesture 😬 (guess waving the hand is too boring for him to copy 😅) I must admit my child is also extremely lazy, but I will keep trying to fool him into imitating me back somehow, Thanks. My little one loves músic too (everything that makes sound or very loud sound he instantly loves it..) but he still slow in wanting to imitate gestures, I try to sing with the TV and my kid start to jump on his chair and clap all happy but that's it (for now). He does try to imitate words too, but like your little one ends being giberish 😂 or when he can't imitate a word (bcs he still unable to say vocals like O or U) he starts to yell nana! Nana! Nanaaa! Like implying 'look I can make sounds too!' we're at 20 months now (he finally have decide to walk without any assistance now, he started his first alone steps at 18 months but was affraid to walk alone) so maybe when he reach 21 months his imitation skill develops? Hope it does come soon., Sometimes it’s little steps first. Like playing peek a boo and then waving and saying hi. Or playing hide and seek and saying hi when they find you. My son loves to say goodbye and not so much hi. So we say hi and bye to things on our walks or car rides. Do they imitate peers? My son will copy kids he sees at the park, his dad, kids from school, other family members before he copies me. So I works have my husband work on things and my son picked them up way quicker. Not even words or gestures but things he hasn’t liked in the past when I try. Like showering, eating raw veggies, using his pointer finger. He just for some reason loves to do what daddy does. When he goes through a phase of being especially excited about his dad we really capitalize on that try all the things he has been stubborn about with me., I'm not sure if my little one copy some gesture from his peers at daycare, I think he had (like his atypical pointing, making fart sounds, clapping again) since he started making those gestures but at home we haven't done any of that (and those gestures do match with what small kids do) I would love to see my toddler excited on imitating me or his dad, but Unfortunately we aren't interesting enough for him in that matter it seems., I would start with play time. If it’s something he finds funny or entertaining he might be more inclined to do it as well. My some loved it when I would put something on my head and then pretend to sneeze it off. He eventually would put it on my head and then on his own head. I really had to get silly with him for him to start repeating what I did. Or with books, exaggerating gestures every time something comes up. Like when there is a truck, hand motion and say beep beep!, Same, I have a 19.5 month old. She doesn't copy. She used to, but regressed with that skill. So, I gave up trying to restimulate that skill. Rather, I've been focusing on building routines so she knows what's "next" ... I do still gesture / talk to her when we play, but I accepted that she likely won't talk anytime soon. I did buy her a pointer toy (it's a finger on a stick) and was able to teach her fairly quickly how to point with that. So, once she's 24 months, if she's still completely non-verbal, I was planning on buying her a communication device to help her "talk" and also look into sign language classes to make "talking" fun., Copying her actions and sounds might help! This demonstrates your connection to her, potentially makes her feel powerful, and also introduces the concept of what imitation is. One thing that helped my kid with imitation was our whole family banging spoons on the table and the wall, like a drum circle. We were all having such a good time he couldn't help but want to join in., My daughter is 21mo and she just started imitating last month. She really likes singing and music, and I've been showing her different actions through songs for awhile now (for example head, shoulders, knees, toes), and suddenly one day she started copying me. Now she copies me when we play, she tries to copy words but it's just gibberish for now, she is trying though! I truly think the singing helped her because she's actually interested in music, but not so much talking lol. I'm not sure if your son has the same interests but it might be worth a shot 😊, Thanks for the feedback. It surely needs lots of work to get these little ones to engaged into something, I can understand the concept of doing something my kiddo may find fun so he will be more incline to copy it...what I'm trying to teach him is how to wave (ppl always expect toddler to wave hi or bye and my little one just stay smiling 🙄) thinking on ways how to turn the waving gesture into something interesting that my toddler will copy back.. He loves loud sound, but I still can't think about connecting waving with sound to turn it interesting 🤪, I'm sorry your little one regressed in that skill, I haven't have that experience yet, but I know how dissapointing can one potentially feel knowing once it was certain way and now we need to start from zero again... My toddler until now haven't had regressions he just develop/progress more slower than what he should, so he is globally delayed 😬 he is speech delayed (he have 4 words with context and 2 without context) is able to have a 'babbling' conversation with someone 😂 but still non-verbal for his age, his pointing is atypical *whole hand pointing* with humming include (he have to make sure he gets your attention while pointing, so he makes a terrible sound *like a mouse squeak* and looks at you 😬). Unfortunately were I live they don't test for autism on kids younger than 3 years old, so his diagnosed is GDD for now, but definetely I believe he is on the spectrum., Thanks 🥰 my little one loves loud sound so I can fully say is the only thing I believe he will always imitate me or anyone doing, hitting the xylophone with sticks (he does imitate that) hitting a drum toy with hands (he does imitate that) but if I wave at him for example, he just laugh and doesn't imitate the gesture 😬 (guess waving the hand is too boring for him to copy 😅) I must admit my child is also extremely lazy, but I will keep trying to fool him into imitating me back somehow, Thanks. My little one loves músic too (everything that makes sound or very loud sound he instantly loves it..) but he still slow in wanting to imitate gestures, I try to sing with the TV and my kid start to jump on his chair and clap all happy but that's it (for now). He does try to imitate words too, but like your little one ends being giberish 😂 or when he can't imitate a word (bcs he still unable to say vocals like O or U) he starts to yell nana! Nana! Nanaaa! Like implying 'look I can make sounds too!' we're at 20 months now (he finally have decide to walk without any assistance now, he started his first alone steps at 18 months but was affraid to walk alone) so maybe when he reach 21 months his imitation skill develops? Hope it does come soon., Sometimes it’s little steps first. Like playing peek a boo and then waving and saying hi. Or playing hide and seek and saying hi when they find you. My son loves to say goodbye and not so much hi. So we say hi and bye to things on our walks or car rides. Do they imitate peers? My son will copy kids he sees at the park, his dad, kids from school, other family members before he copies me. So I works have my husband work on things and my son picked them up way quicker. Not even words or gestures but things he hasn’t liked in the past when I try. Like showering, eating raw veggies, using his pointer finger. He just for some reason loves to do what daddy does. When he goes through a phase of being especially excited about his dad we really capitalize on that try all the things he has been stubborn about with me., I'm not sure if my little one copy some gesture from his peers at daycare, I think he had (like his atypical pointing, making fart sounds, clapping again) since he started making those gestures but at home we haven't done any of that (and those gestures do match with what small kids do) I would love to see my toddler excited on imitating me or his dad, but Unfortunately we aren't interesting enough for him in that matter it seems., I would start with play time. If it’s something he finds funny or entertaining he might be more inclined to do it as well. My some loved it when I would put something on my head and then pretend to sneeze it off. He eventually would put it on my head and then on his own head. I really had to get silly with him for him to start repeating what I did. Or with books, exaggerating gestures every time something comes up. Like when there is a truck, hand motion and say beep beep!, Same, I have a 19.5 month old. She doesn't copy. She used to, but regressed with that skill. So, I gave up trying to restimulate that skill. Rather, I've been focusing on building routines so she knows what's "next" ... I do still gesture / talk to her when we play, but I accepted that she likely won't talk anytime soon. I did buy her a pointer toy (it's a finger on a stick) and was able to teach her fairly quickly how to point with that. So, once she's 24 months, if she's still completely non-verbal, I was planning on buying her a communication device to help her "talk" and also look into sign language classes to make "talking" fun., Copying her actions and sounds might help! This demonstrates your connection to her, potentially makes her feel powerful, and also introduces the concept of what imitation is. One thing that helped my kid with imitation was our whole family banging spoons on the table and the wall, like a drum circle. We were all having such a good time he couldn't help but want to join in., My daughter is 21mo and she just started imitating last month. She really likes singing and music, and I've been showing her different actions through songs for awhile now (for example head, shoulders, knees, toes), and suddenly one day she started copying me. Now she copies me when we play, she tries to copy words but it's just gibberish for now, she is trying though! I truly think the singing helped her because she's actually interested in music, but not so much talking lol. I'm not sure if your son has the same interests but it might be worth a shot 😊, Thanks for the feedback. It surely needs lots of work to get these little ones to engaged into something, I can understand the concept of doing something my kiddo may find fun so he will be more incline to copy it...what I'm trying to teach him is how to wave (ppl always expect toddler to wave hi or bye and my little one just stay smiling 🙄) thinking on ways how to turn the waving gesture into something interesting that my toddler will copy back.. He loves loud sound, but I still can't think about connecting waving with sound to turn it interesting 🤪, I'm sorry your little one regressed in that skill, I haven't have that experience yet, but I know how dissapointing can one potentially feel knowing once it was certain way and now we need to start from zero again... My toddler until now haven't had regressions he just develop/progress more slower than what he should, so he is globally delayed 😬 he is speech delayed (he have 4 words with context and 2 without context) is able to have a 'babbling' conversation with someone 😂 but still non-verbal for his age, his pointing is atypical *whole hand pointing* with humming include (he have to make sure he gets your attention while pointing, so he makes a terrible sound *like a mouse squeak* and looks at you 😬). Unfortunately were I live they don't test for autism on kids younger than 3 years old, so his diagnosed is GDD for now, but definetely I believe he is on the spectrum., Thanks 🥰 my little one loves loud sound so I can fully say is the only thing I believe he will always imitate me or anyone doing, hitting the xylophone with sticks (he does imitate that) hitting a drum toy with hands (he does imitate that) but if I wave at him for example, he just laugh and doesn't imitate the gesture 😬 (guess waving the hand is too boring for him to copy 😅) I must admit my child is also extremely lazy, but I will keep trying to fool him into imitating me back somehow, Thanks. My little one loves músic too (everything that makes sound or very loud sound he instantly loves it..) but he still slow in wanting to imitate gestures, I try to sing with the TV and my kid start to jump on his chair and clap all happy but that's it (for now). He does try to imitate words too, but like your little one ends being giberish 😂 or when he can't imitate a word (bcs he still unable to say vocals like O or U) he starts to yell nana! Nana! Nanaaa! Like implying 'look I can make sounds too!' we're at 20 months now (he finally have decide to walk without any assistance now, he started his first alone steps at 18 months but was affraid to walk alone) so maybe when he reach 21 months his imitation skill develops? Hope it does come soon., Sometimes it’s little steps first. Like playing peek a boo and then waving and saying hi. Or playing hide and seek and saying hi when they find you. My son loves to say goodbye and not so much hi. So we say hi and bye to things on our walks or car rides. Do they imitate peers? My son will copy kids he sees at the park, his dad, kids from school, other family members before he copies me. So I works have my husband work on things and my son picked them up way quicker. Not even words or gestures but things he hasn’t liked in the past when I try. Like showering, eating raw veggies, using his pointer finger. He just for some reason loves to do what daddy does. When he goes through a phase of being especially excited about his dad we really capitalize on that try all the things he has been stubborn about with me., I'm not sure if my little one copy some gesture from his peers at daycare, I think he had (like his atypical pointing, making fart sounds, clapping again) since he started making those gestures but at home we haven't done any of that (and those gestures do match with what small kids do) I would love to see my toddler excited on imitating me or his dad, but Unfortunately we aren't interesting enough for him in that matter it seems., I would start with play time. If it’s something he finds funny or entertaining he might be more inclined to do it as well. My some loved it when I would put something on my head and then pretend to sneeze it off. He eventually would put it on my head and then on his own head. I really had to get silly with him for him to start repeating what I did. Or with books, exaggerating gestures every time something comes up. Like when there is a truck, hand motion and say beep beep!, Same, I have a 19.5 month old. She doesn't copy. She used to, but regressed with that skill. So, I gave up trying to restimulate that skill. Rather, I've been focusing on building routines so she knows what's "next" ... I do still gesture / talk to her when we play, but I accepted that she likely won't talk anytime soon. I did buy her a pointer toy (it's a finger on a stick) and was able to teach her fairly quickly how to point with that. So, once she's 24 months, if she's still completely non-verbal, I was planning on buying her a communication device to help her "talk" and also look into sign language classes to make "talking" fun., Copying her actions and sounds might help! This demonstrates your connection to her, potentially makes her feel powerful, and also introduces the concept of what imitation is. One thing that helped my kid with imitation was our whole family banging spoons on the table and the wall, like a drum circle. We were all having such a good time he couldn't help but want to join in., My daughter is 21mo and she just started imitating last month. She really likes singing and music, and I've been showing her different actions through songs for awhile now (for example head, shoulders, knees, toes), and suddenly one day she started copying me. Now she copies me when we play, she tries to copy words but it's just gibberish for now, she is trying though! I truly think the singing helped her because she's actually interested in music, but not so much talking lol. I'm not sure if your son has the same interests but it might be worth a shot 😊, Thanks for the feedback. It surely needs lots of work to get these little ones to engaged into something, I can understand the concept of doing something my kiddo may find fun so he will be more incline to copy it...what I'm trying to teach him is how to wave (ppl always expect toddler to wave hi or bye and my little one just stay smiling 🙄) thinking on ways how to turn the waving gesture into something interesting that my toddler will copy back.. He loves loud sound, but I still can't think about connecting waving with sound to turn it interesting 🤪, I'm sorry your little one regressed in that skill, I haven't have that experience yet, but I know how dissapointing can one potentially feel knowing once it was certain way and now we need to start from zero again... My toddler until now haven't had regressions he just develop/progress more slower than what he should, so he is globally delayed 😬 he is speech delayed (he have 4 words with context and 2 without context) is able to have a 'babbling' conversation with someone 😂 but still non-verbal for his age, his pointing is atypical *whole hand pointing* with humming include (he have to make sure he gets your attention while pointing, so he makes a terrible sound *like a mouse squeak* and looks at you 😬). Unfortunately were I live they don't test for autism on kids younger than 3 years old, so his diagnosed is GDD for now, but definetely I believe he is on the spectrum., Thanks 🥰 my little one loves loud sound so I can fully say is the only thing I believe he will always imitate me or anyone doing, hitting the xylophone with sticks (he does imitate that) hitting a drum toy with hands (he does imitate that) but if I wave at him for example, he just laugh and doesn't imitate the gesture 😬 (guess waving the hand is too boring for him to copy 😅) I must admit my child is also extremely lazy, but I will keep trying to fool him into imitating me back somehow, Thanks. My little one loves músic too (everything that makes sound or very loud sound he instantly loves it..) but he still slow in wanting to imitate gestures, I try to sing with the TV and my kid start to jump on his chair and clap all happy but that's it (for now). He does try to imitate words too, but like your little one ends being giberish 😂 or when he can't imitate a word (bcs he still unable to say vocals like O or U) he starts to yell nana! Nana! Nanaaa! Like implying 'look I can make sounds too!' we're at 20 months now (he finally have decide to walk without any assistance now, he started his first alone steps at 18 months but was affraid to walk alone) so maybe when he reach 21 months his imitation skill develops? Hope it does come soon., Sometimes it’s little steps first. Like playing peek a boo and then waving and saying hi. Or playing hide and seek and saying hi when they find you. My son loves to say goodbye and not so much hi. So we say hi and bye to things on our walks or car rides. Do they imitate peers? My son will copy kids he sees at the park, his dad, kids from school, other family members before he copies me. So I works have my husband work on things and my son picked them up way quicker. Not even words or gestures but things he hasn’t liked in the past when I try. Like showering, eating raw veggies, using his pointer finger. He just for some reason loves to do what daddy does. When he goes through a phase of being especially excited about his dad we really capitalize on that try all the things he has been stubborn about with me., I'm not sure if my little one copy some gesture from his peers at daycare, I think he had (like his atypical pointing, making fart sounds, clapping again) since he started making those gestures but at home we haven't done any of that (and those gestures do match with what small kids do) I would love to see my toddler excited on imitating me or his dad, but Unfortunately we aren't interesting enough for him in that matter it seems.

How to you discipline?

My 6yo keeps cutting the hems of his clothes with scissors at school, and I’m sick of it. I’ve told him multiple times it’s not acceptable, but he still does it. He has a significant communication delay, so that doesn’t help. I want there to be consequences when he does this, but I’m a bit at a loss as to what.

Can you just send him with the clothes he’s already cut? So that if he does cut again, it doesn’t matter? And this is a natural consequence - if you cut your clothes, you will have cuts in your clothes., Why is your 6 year old who’s demonstrated that he can’t safely and appropriately use scissors unsupervised- being left unsupervised with scissors? At 6 impulse control for most kids isn’t there yet. Generally even with NT kids that age the consequence has to be immediate- not hours later when he gets home. I’d address it with the school., Can you give him a scrap of clothe to play with? I think the biggest issue here is the para and or teacher not paying enough attention to him with scissors. I'd be pretty pissed because scissors can be used to hurt himself or another kid. It's the supervising adults job to make sure that he's using them safely and never in an unsupervised position with access to scissors., consequences might not be the most helpful solution? even an allistic 6yo has barely begun to develop impulse control... like, they just aren't old enough to have all the gray matter for it that adults have, so knowledge of consequences won't necessarily be effective at stopping the behavior. and if it's an autism sensory need, that battle is even harder. since he is apparently getting unsupervised scissor use, it's good to hear that he's not harming himself/others with them. if all that's getting damaged is fabric (and the clothes are still wearable) then you might have to settle for giving up on the clothing hems while you try and put a stop to the scissor access. someone suggested giving him other fabric scraps to cut, and i think that's a great idea. more specifically, ensure his para has the fabric scraps on hand and knows to give them to him when he attempts the clothes-cutting. redirecting to a different sensory outlet addresses the root problem, whereas punitive consequences only address your concerns and not his sensory needs. so it has more potential for long-term success. good luck, this does sound frustrating., My son did this for a time in kindergarten or first grade. Mostly just a few little snips in his shirts, but also a strap on his backpack. It never occurred to me that I punish him for this. It’s the common sort of impulsive behavior that no amount of discipline will change., I remember cutting the hem of my favorite dress because I wanted to see what was inside. It was disappointing. I eventually confessed it to my mother., My friends kid kept cutting circles out of her shirt around her belly button, so she had to wear those ones and not new ones, Sadly we’re getting to the point where his cut clothes will soon outnumber his uncut clothes, Oh yeah, I know. I addressed it with them before, today his paraprofessional had to step out of class and took his scissors from him - so he swiped another kid’s scissors., This was my first thought! Why is he being left unsupervised at school with scissors?, So then this seems like an easy solution, just keep the uncut clothes at home., Lol. I’m sorry- I know it’s serious, but your kid sounds mischievous and awesome. Honestly not much you can do at home unless you can figure out why he’s targeting the hem of his clothes (if it’s a sensory issue), He is awesome, and a hot mess!

How would I know if I’m the parent with the Autism Gene?

I have 1 child that was diagnosed with mild autism recently also global developmental delay. My other child who is 2 days away from being 13 months is showing signs of autism unfortunately. Some signs include occasional hitting is head on his high chair, arm flapping, not say mama or dada, very clingy and emotional and occasionally head shaking. I’m very concerned for him and would be very disappointed if both my children are on the spectrum. I would want at least 1 neurotypical child. My question is how do I know if I carry the Autism gene? Is it me? Is this a random occurrence. Are my genes messed up idk?

Man, who knows. Does it matter?, Genetic testing can tell you if they have a mutation that **can be** associated with autism but it doesn’t mean that this one is the genetic cause of their diagnosis. My son has a genetic mutation that is associated with fatal infantile seizures. He hasn’t had any /knockonwood and just turned 5. He’s lvl 2 nonverbal and he inherited that gene from me. I’ve never had seizures and I’m not autistic. There’s no 100% way of determining who what where when causes autism as I understand it with that we know now. It’s much more complex., You can’t know, and does it really matter? When you have children you sign up for the chance they may have a disability. It’s not the child’s fault, it’s our responsibility as parents to deal with our own feelings and address any ableism that might be lurking. NT kids aren’t magically easier, and kids get diagnosed with autism at all ages, not just toddlerhood/infancy. I have 2 autistic kids and know plenty of NT families who have struggles too. It’s not a magical shield against difficulties raising children if they’re born as NT. You won’t know, and we might not ever know, but ultimately it makes no difference. You have the children that you have, and it’s up to us to get on board with them and meet them where they’re at. Your kid isn’t trying to disappoint you, Have your kids had genetic testing? We are scheduled for it, and they said we could have follow-up testing (as his parents) if his genes showed anything. The geneticist said they found something in 1/5 cases., It's likely not a single autism gene that is either inherited or not. It's more likely to be an unknown number of genes that interact to cause some or most of the developmental symptoms we call autism. It will probably be better understood in the future, but I doubt we will understand which genes it is in my lifetime., Look at both sides of the family. Do you notice any signs in various individuals? It wasn't until the kids started getting diagnosed that we started looking at ourselves and other family members and it started to hit home, then I followed up with getting diagnosed myself. You may not be autistic. But maybe you notice the signs in your spouse, your aunts or uncles, grandparents, cousins. I see the trend now that I know what to look for. No, this isn't a guaranteed way of figuring it out, but it can give you a general idea. For my kids, they get it from both sides., Autism itself is an umbrella term for a bunch of symptoms, there is no one autism., NT children aren't magically easier. I'm not sure where this romantic idea of NT kids comes from. It's pretty weird. I know lots of NT parents and kids that have been through absolute hell with each other. Best of luck finding out., Generic testing. We did it and neither me or my partner carried the marker., Someone will tell you there isn't an autism gene known to science. I think thats a matter of time before it's discovered. The connection in families is too strong for it to be otherwise. So which of you is more likely to be autistic? No point asking Reddit, we don't know you. All we can tell you is that it's a 50/50 chance it's you, unless you both are. In my family it was easy; my children's autism comes from my wife and their ADHD comes from me, I see ads on Facebook all the time for genetic testing for the kids and parents. It’s free, you just have to agree to let it be used in research I believe. Spark for autism, Honestly, if my son inherited autism, I hope it's from my side cause everyone on my side of the family is ok, but the kids on my husband's side are not so okay. I want my kids to be able to fend for themselves and not get into trouble. My husband has serious executive function issues. One didn't graduate HS another one probably won't. I helped my husband and his little brother graduate high school and I also helped my MiL get through college. They're all smart, they just have this mental barrier that keeps them from accessing skills typical people use on the daily basis, like planning, self-control, or time management. So autism is not a deal-breaker for me, but I really hope he takes after my side of the family for his sake., Genetic testing but that doesn’t mean you will get an answer.. And it’s very complex regardless. My child’s testing came back as negative his Autism is not genetic we simply have no answer. It sucks and we just have to hope for the future., You don't without genetic testing, and even then we are only very recently really starting to learn about autism so its no definitive answer. So so so many in prior generations have gone undiagnosed their entire lives, then idiots push the 'why are diagnosis rates rampaging?!' narrative. I don't have statistics (would be cool to try and get a survey and statistics from this group!) but have seen so many here who got diagnosed as adults only after seeing shared traits with their autistic children. Same among the parents we've known in real life. Like half ended up diagnosed as adults themselves. We are among them. We're 3 out of 4 of our children diagnosed ASD with the 4th likely but he's not even 18 months yet. Will assess him soon. With all we'd learned we suspected my wife much more as the genetic link. We REALLY suspected her asshole father to be undiagnosed autistic as well. She got assessed and diagnosed. Our third child, the 2 year old, was the first to finally get into developmental pediatrician and get genetic testing. Sure enough my wife is a heterozygous carrier of both GRIA3 and SMARCA2 mutations. Nothing from me., I agree with this. My son was diagnosed. He is 16. My daughter is 13 and is NT. I’m certain my husband is on the spectrum and just never got tested. But idc where it came from. It doesn’t change the way I love or care for my son. I’m not looking for someone to blame (I’m not saying you are OP but I’ve known others who have)., Great answer. My son has a 16p13.11 micro duplication, which has an association with autism. It’s a low penetrance, so who knows if it’s the cause. Guess who else has the micro duplication? Me. Who doesn’t have any signs of autism on their side of the family? Me. Who doesn’t have the micro duplication? My wife. My wife’s side is neurodivergent (and pretty sure her dad is undiagnosed autistic). TLDR: who freakin knows right now?, Favorite answer, Gold!, Does your child have ASD?, Nah, you’ve got it sort of backwards. It’s not that there isn’t *an autism gene*, it’s that scientists have already linked like a hundred genes to autism., With what we’re learning about our sons asd diagnosis, my husband is getting evaluated himself. They’re like two peas in a pod. On the other hand I have adhd, so does our daughter and I’m pretty sure both boys have it too. We’re just a ND family lol but there’s no telling where exactly our son “got it from”. The gene mutation he has is also associated with autism. But science as of right now can’t even pinpoint what causes asd. So it’s a moot point to beat ourselves up. There’s nothing we could’ve done to change it., Yes level 2., Exactly this. There are dozens of known genetic duplications, mutation and deletions on chromosomes known to cause a variety of developmental, health and neurological conditions including autism. My son has a rare duplication on his 15th chromosome that caused his autism, IDD and epilepsy. A different kind of duplication on this is passed through families and causes mostly milder symptoms but is one reason why a family can have say 2 or 3 out of 4 kids with autism or developmental issues, Yes but only one they are testing for, at least for my Lil one

Husband forced me and toddlers to go to my mums house when he knew she had C word flu

My husband forced me and our two toddlers to go to my mums house when he KNEW she had the c word flu this weekend We had gone the weekend before (we were forced to) when me and the babies had the flu (so we thought) so him and his mum who we live eith could ‘relax and chill’ without the babies. He does this every weekend even when my mums family had a sickness and diarreah bug that we luckily didn’t catch. My mum had my exact same symptoms so it’s likely she caught the covid from me but my husband was insistent she DIDNT catch it from us so made us go there, which means he sent us there knowing we would probably catch C so he could have a peaceful couple of days. He said if I didn’t go to my mums we would HAVE TO go to my grandmas, but I knew inside that I had had C and I didn’t want it to spread to my grandparents/ my younger cousins who would have been there. I feel really sad and confused as he genuinely thought me and the kids just had a cold so he knew we would be going to a household with C. Does he not care about us? Did he want us to catch it? He would have made my life hell for the weekend if I refused to go to either place and would have physically taken us there himself (as he did when my mum had the sickbug), so I really had not other choice

What is cunt flu? Also your husband is a tyrant>< highly recommend counseling and maybe not following him to an early grave, Your husband sounds abusive. I hope you can find the strength to leave. Wishing you the best., The fact that your husband physically forces you around is disturbing. And yeah, doesn't sound like he is someone who particularly cares about your and kids' well-being., You need to leave this stupid sob. This isn’t a marriage. It’s abuse., Go live with your mom then. There’s no reason to stay with such an abusive ass., OP, you need to start taking action. 1. You need to move out immediately, can you move in with your mom? 2. File for divorce. 3. Start your career to become financially independent. Take any qualifications needed for the fastest way to get a job, even if it’s something that isn’t perfect at the moment. You can always pivot later. Your priority right now is independence. Lean on your family, friends and government assistance for help. The situation you’re in will never get better, it breaks my heart seeing you post every other day about the abuse you and your children are suffering. You need to protect your children, this is a toxic environment they’re in. Please take action., Well 1) This has nothing to do with autism, parenting, or autism parenting and so it doesn’t belong here. 2) In what way did he “force” you to go anywhere? Threats of physical violence? Threats of leaving you? Does he physically push you and your children out of the door? If the answer to these are all no he’s not really “Forcing” you to do anything and you need to stand your ground. If you don’t think something is safe for your children, grow some girl balls and say so. Children come first and they depend on you to be strong and protect them. Not roll over every time your ass clown husband tells you to do something. If he wants to “relax and chill” then YOU tell HIM to go somewhere quiet and have a good time doing that, alone, on his time., Agree with other comments here. You need to think hard if this is the life you want. Your husband is abusive and from your post, it sounds like you know he doesn’t care about you and the babies. I hope you can make the right decision for yourself. All the best, OP!, This is hard to follow and I’m unsure as to why you’re referring to illnesses as the “c word flu” and the “sickbug” but the most alarming part of this is “he would have made my life hell for the weekend” and him “physically” taking you there. This screams abuse and I hope you can leave / find safety., Time to leave., I’m really sorry you guys are being treated this way. You deserve better and as a single autism mom, believe me when I say, sometimes it’s better just doing it all by yourself. It may be harder but 100% promise you it will be way more peaceful. If anybody needs a break it’s YOU from that POS., I don't know where you live and what culture you are from. I really wish you find it in your heart to realize that this is not normal behavior and you don't need to the stress of handling such a selfish man-child., OP, is your mom able to help at all? Can you live there? I am worried about you and I get the impression that this is a relationship where you don't feel entirely safe. If you left him, do you think he would retaliate?, Collect as much evidence as possible. That’s all I’ll say and if you have someone you really really trust maybe they too can have view only access to it, Screw that guy, you and your kids deserve better. He can go live with his mommy., Everybody was cunt flu fighting, Few sentences later said COVID, before going back to calling it C word. Confused why you'd censor the word COVID. Freaking EVERYONE had it this past week or two. Fastest spreading variant yet., If anything the husband IS the cunt flu., I feel like I don’t have a home. He will tell me what time to come back and if I come back earlier he makes a big deal of it, To add, OP if you haven't told family what he is doing please do. Odds are that you have tons of friends and family who will gladly step up to help you out of an abusive situation., I need the strength and courage to get up and leave. I’m just so unsure as to how I would do it too I’m sorry if I’ve given you sad feelings, I’m okay, things are better than normal and hopefully they stay getting better, and if they don’t hopefully I can find it in myself to leave, I disagree and did not see a rule this post would be in violation of. Abuse is an autism parenting and parenting in general issue. Domestic violence can made autistic traits so much more pronounced because of the stress., Hi, thank you for your comment 1) I’m so sorry, it was selfish of me to post in here but I guess for selfish reasons I did as I love this community and how loving and caring everyone are 2) I can understand why you think this. He has successfully manipulated me over three years to know that if I don’t do what he wants or says he will hurt me, whether a minor bite or finger bending to a punch or a kick (punching and kicking is much less common but the fear is still there) he also threatens my family and I love my parents to pieces so am usually quick to listen out of fear and to be honest to make life as easy and calm for me and my babies as possible Also I love that, I definitely need some girl balls, This isn’t the life I want. I just wish I could have a nice life with him in it but I’ve given him plenty of chances and nothing changes, Thank you so much for your support! And apologies about the covid confusion, I wrongfully assumed that I had to censor it, This actually hit my heart, thank you so much for your support and making me feel like I’m not alone. I wish I could give my babies the calm and serenity they need but I’m also worried about how they will be when visiting their dad or staying with him etc if I left him and I wasn’t there to keep an eye, *not normal Prolly a typo..., Thank you so much for understanding and for your support!!, I’ve left him four times before and each and every time him and his mum have come and basically stalked me outside my parents house and refused to leave until I talk to him :/ He would definitely retaliate. When I initially leave and he realises (ive left in secret 3 times) he gets very angry and will ring my grandparents and he will or he will get his mum to threaten me through them to give his kids back. Or he will do it directly to me, Thank you for the advice!!, We already live with her and she’s a monster too, Those cunts were fast as lightning!!!!, I'm closing Reddit: today has peaked, bravo., Ah musta missed that part. Yeah covids not a bad word, unless you're like... amerikkkan oligarchs condemning the populace to death and permanent disability by begging for the whole return to office madness. Weird., Sorry, I saw it somewhere that it had to be censored and a post was taken down and stupidly assumed it was everywhere :/, I love this!!, At a certain point you gotta decide for yourself if that's what you want in life. :-/ If not, start working on an escape strategy., Is he really seeing his mother? Or a mistress?, So you have a safe way out of this relationship?, OP you should start documenting this type of behavior, dates and times, any texts and the like. Id even go so far as to see if youre a one party consent state or not and record these types of conversations if possible. So if you chose to leave someday you can bring it to court and protect your children <3, He’s begging for a divorce in my book. If my husband even touched me like that, hands are flying, and I can make his life JUST as fucked us as he thinks he can make mine trust me lol. Who is going to do his laundry, or cook for him, and all that?? Lol. Maybe leave and let him discover that for a while. He wants you to leave so he looks like the bad guy and is free to move on and make it look like you left him….classic behavior. He didn’t care. Point blank., No, you need to leave TODAY. Just because things are better than normal today doesn't mean he's changing. Your post history has indicated that he is never going to change. Pack up you and your babies and GO., Tell your family. PLEASE. I would rather you get COVID ten times over than wind up where my family did. People like your husband DO NOT STOP., You know he is strangling you sometimes. You know that in relationships where that is happening there is a much higher chance he will eventually kill you. Don’t worry about getting up courage to leave/not leave/whatever. Worry about ensuring your children will be cared for safely if/when he accidentally or purposely takes it too far and kills or severely maims you. For example, if you get a traumatic brain injury the next time he knocks you down (and it will happen again) and you need months of rehab to learn to swallow food again who cares for the kids? If he strangles you for too long and you die of hypoxia is he the sole guardian and decision maker of your vulnerable children for the rest of their lives? If he is assaulting you now, when you are working so hard to keep the peace, what do you think he will do to them when you are gone? When the kids’ behaviour gets out of control? When they are grieving you and have no capacity to listen to him at all? When do you think he will start bending their fingers back, slapping them in the face, biting them? It can be very hard to leave someone when you are trauma bonded. I understand. But you need to make sure your kids are protected. See a lawyer. Make sure your mother has sole custody and decision-making should anything happen to you. I know you love your kids enough to do this for them, even if you cannot save the life of their mother. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I am sorry this post is so harsh. But it is also reality. And you need to face the truth of the danger you are in and ensure your children have the best chance at survival. This is what being a mom is about: protecting your children. You don’t need to ‘get the courage to leave’. You just do it because you love your kids enough to make sure they have a mom. And if you can’t do that, then please at least make sure there is a plan in place for them. He will not change, the abuse will not stop. He is simply ‘love bombing’ you to gain your compliance so you will stay and he can continue to abuse you. If you do decide to leave again, talk to a women’s shelter and get some support to help you stay out of the relationship this time. There are all sorts of tactics guys use to get women to come back. They can help you prepare for these as well as put the legal pieces in place for a divorce, a restraining order and no contact with the kids. They will also help you plan an exit strategy. Even if you remain with him, they should be able to help you protect your children. This is very hard stuff. I’m sorry your life is so difficult. But it is time to stop reading things on Reddit and start doing. We have told you all we can. You know what is happening and where this situation is going. You know what you need to do. Protect your kids. If you are looking for a sign, this is it., [removed], You are not selfish. Please don’t come away thinking that, Does anyone know your point 2? If your best friend or sister came and told you this was happening to her, would you tell her to stay? Or would you tell her to leave and support her? Are you financially bound to him that you cannot leave? Have you ever involved police in this domestic violence? Are ypu with him because in your culture or religion divorce is seen as the worst thing? Please leave OP. The first step is always the hardest but I believe in you. I know you have it in you to do this. I know the unknown is scary but you can do this., If he has laid even a single finger on you or your children, leave and don’t look back. This is a no brainer, You can’t change someone who doesn’t wanna change. I am glad you sound like you are ready to move on. I am rooting for you., Don’t worry, it’s not Facebook I haven’t looked at your post history so this is a general comment: I’m a DV and child abuse survivor. If you and your kids are not safe…and I don’t mean just right now…there are people who may be able to help. An abusive environment is the last thing anyone needs, especially autistic kids. 💜, Your post history is extremely alarming. Please take care of yourself and your children., I understand. I went through those same exact emotions before it became completely normal contact. We haven’t seen his “dad” since March 2020. Legally, he has visitation rights twice a week during the day, but he hasn’t made any effort to see him since, so good riddance. Peace of mind and a loving/supportive home for you and your babies is what is MOST important., Yup it was and I just changed it. Ty... I was typing from my phone which I am not used to. I wish there is a way to reach out women who feel trapped by men like this., This is domestic violence. Do you have a friend who could call a domestic violence shelter for you? This is the time to start gathering important documents for your family - birth certificates, passport, titles for starters - see if a family member or friend can secure a phone for you (even if it's just a flip phone to start). I get the impression you are being vague in some of your posts, and that this has already crossed lines physically. We know that domestic abusers tend to escalate over time. We all also know that this is a very scary situation for you and your kids, and that very tough decisions have to be made. The thing that people gloss over in these situations is that there isn't a guarantee that you won't have to hand off your kids in a split for unsupervised visitation - which holds many women back from leaving an abuser. Could your mom watch the kids while you speak to a family law attorney one day? Someone who can advise you on how to document these unhinged things that are happening, in hopes he at the very least won't have unsupervised visitation., Is queefing a symptom of cunt flu?, I’ve been singing this song in my head all day., Look at their post history. She's the one who posted about him biting and choking her and just crazy shit last week. Multiple posts like this posted to multiple subs like every week. Like sorry if I'm the asshole here, but do people really need this much constant weekly reassurance that some off the wall bat shit crazy behavior is in fact abusive? Or does this start looking like some attention seeking story telling to you?, Yea, for the most part subs can make up their own rules. There are obviously some rules that apply site wide. But a sub censoring the word COVID, that's just weird., I’m trying to pluck up the courage to, Is it bad that I sort of wish it was a mistress, although I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy let alone another innocent woman. And yeah it’s mum because we live with her and I normally stay at home with them but I refused and he didn’t care that I wasn’t staying at home as long as the babies were out the house on ‘my mums days’ to look after then, Amazing advice, thank you!!, His mum still bends over backwards for him. We live with her and she is constantly babying him, Is name calling really necessary? Disagree or not, but why be a jerk about it? My abuser used to deliberately provoke meltdowns in both me and my mother. If you don’t think abuse affects children then I don’t know what to tell you., This post/comment was removed for use of abusive language. Please be mindful of the language you are using, and treat others with kindness and respect. Repeated violations will be banned., Explosive uncontrolled queefing is the diagnostic marker that differentiates cunt flu from other flu this season. Know the signs! Protect your health!, We took a bow and made a stand, started swaying with the hand Some cunty motion made me slip, now we're into a brand new cunt!!!, I am thinking, rage bait,since it's got nothing to do with autism., No idea. Having been abused, the gaslighting and crazy making an abuser can do to a victim can totally mindfuck them. That said, when others pointed it out, got angry and started making changes for protection. So it really could be either possibility., Personally I don’t see how you can attention seek on an anonymous platform where no one knows who I am. I’m very aware he’s abusive but I’m constantly going backwards and forwards eith myself. I find comfort venting on Reddit as I have no other social media and it’s great cathartic relief. I also like hearing what people have to say, whether it’s advice, something funny to make me laugh or just someone giving me a bit of support and power to carry on. Thank you for your comment tho, Okau, I don't think I'd have the emotional resilience to handle being treated like this. You're very brave., Well then it sounds like he HAS a wife. The two of them deserve each other. Let HER take care of him then. She should be on your side and telling him to treat you better., [removed], That’s what I was afraid of…💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨, I’m sorry, I realise it has nothing to do with autism but I just appreciate the love I normally receive in this community :), [deleted], I read a bit of your other comment and hope you’re okay, I’m sorry you’ve dealt with all you’ve dealt with., Yea, that typically doesn't happen here which is why I feel bad even asking. If you spend time on the front page or subs like /r/AITAH its FULL of people just completely making up outrageous stories. There's plenty of people on here sharing stories of their abusive relationship. As far as I know that's perfectly ok, we're here to support eachother. But that's just how outrageous his behavior is. That it sounds made up. Its just too out there. Holy hell. The fact that you even need to ask if its normal or abusive, he must really be messing with your head. I'm sure you've heard it enough times that you should get the hell out of there. I'll just say I know personally that its easy for someone to say that, its much harder for you to do it., It sounds like you're in a very dangerous abusive situation and it's not just you, your kids are facing abuse too and your relatives being forced around illness could result in them contracting long term COVID or other life changing debilitating illnesses. Your husband is hurting more than just you and something needs to change, a lot of people are being hurt. I hope you can work on a plan to get away from him, document everything you can because this is not going to get better and it's only a matter of time before someone ends up debilitated or dead. Sending strength and love 💕, Me and my own mum always make the joke that she’s his wife and I’m the third unwanted wheel, Abuse AFFECTS autism symptoms. OP has at least one autistic kid. She doesn’t need to mention it; she is an established member. You’re being unnecessarily rude. Please stop., This post/comment was removed for use of abusive language. Please be mindful of the language you are using, and treat others with kindness and respect. Repeated violations will be banned., Sounds like my fiances crazy ex. Holy shit stay safe!, I delete things like that afterwards out of shame. After being told so many times you should leave and years later you're still in it, at least for me I start to feel like I brought it on myself. Its gotten better than past years for sure, although the behaviors pop up if she drinks or something. Which usually means she made a new friend because I'm just a controlling asshole if I tell people she can't drink. Until they see her drunk. Usually that new friend takes care of that problem on their own, nobody wants to drink with someone like that. If they didn't straight up say "ffffffuck this shit" and abandon her there. I can't say I will ever trust her again though., Whoa…lol can’t believe I nailed that then.

Hyper-numeracy

I'm reaching out to this empowering community today in search of advice and perhaps a bit of solace. Our 4-year-old son has an intense fascination with numbers. This isn't just a phase of learning or enjoyment; it's an obsession that permeates every part of his life. Every activity becomes about counting - endlessly, and without purpose. Games, storytime, even television - it all has to involve numbers, or he's not interested. We've tried channeling this into learning basic math like addition and subtraction, hoping it might broaden his interest or give him a new direction. But no, he remains fixated on counting alone. This singular focus is challenging for us, to say the least. We're finding ourselves at our wit's end daily, struggling to connect with him on any other level or to engage him in varied activities. We worry about his development and his ability to find joy in the broader world around him. To the people in this group who might have faced or are facing similar situations, how do you cope? Have you found strategies or activities that can gently broaden a child's interests? How do you support and encourage your child's development while still honoring their unique passions? Your guidance, experiences, and any resources you can share would be immensely appreciated. We're committed to helping our son grow and thrive, but at this moment, we're feeling quite lost on how best to do that. Thank you so much in advance for your support and guidance.

My son is like this. He’s 11 now. He has an amazing ability to memorize numbers and struggles to comprehend verbal info. Combine those two and he just wanted to do numbers all day when he was four. Broadening his interests has always been a challenge, and even now. I let him go at his own pace with things, but it is hard when he knows little about the world and is not too interested in knowing more. However, he’s starting to ask more questions about the world. No friends though. When he was little we got the game Prime Climb and he loved it. There’s also the book Really Big Numbers that he loved. He was really into the powers of 2. We leaned into his focus on numbers and he was happy. One game we would play would be to open a book to the index in the back and I read the words and he reads the page number. My wife wasn’t sure about doing numbers with him all the time, but I figured that we should make sure he’s having as much fun as possible at that age. Eventually his interests expanded. He would also play with toy trains and he was also very interested in a take apart toy airplane and also playing at the park. We also put him in ABA because he was self harming when he got mad. I recall they mostly played games with him and he liked it. This may have helped to broaden his interests., My son is very much like this but with letters. He is 4. At first it was just the wooden blocked but it has graduated to multiple packs of plastic letters. He has an amazing ability for spelling and he can already read and sound out words. He only started talking a year ago. For me, it was a little irritating at first because he would spend all day just spelling out 20th century fox and recreating the spotlights on the side and the podium it sits on. All day everyday for MONTHS. One day I just got so sick of it I started spelling with his letters different words. He got upset and started throwing them. When I realized that he is a very visual kid my husband and I decided we would use the plastic letters to our advantage and started spelling out words to see if he recognized them. Let me tell you, he picked up reading REALLY quickly after that. He's already reading at a second grade level and even learned to type on a keyboard. He uses a computer to get on youtube, knows how to open the browser what to click. It was amazing to see. He figured out the keyboard was like his letters but cause and effect came into play. He has recently moved onto numbers. So, when he started getting interested in numbers we got him books and coloring books. He's visual so it helps a lot. He sees how many of what is there and is able to count them. After getting into the letters I started encouraging him to try to write them. Which is going to help with school. It is very hard trying to figure out ways to incorporate their interests into other aspects of life. Id recommend looking into autism friendly activities. They have printouts on Google that have helped a lot as well. Also on Amazon they have these mats you can get with these like wax sticks. My husband also wants to try to teach him how to use an abacus Cltoyvers Wooden Abacus for Kids Math with 100 Counting Sticks and Number Toys Cards 1-100, Educational Math Games Preschool Learning Toys, Math Manipulatives for Elementary 1st 2nd Grade https://a.co/d/6ZUKXIE We also got counting books like the very hungry catapillar. Also poppits with multiplication and numbers on them AK-SHIP Doubled Side Macaron Multiplication Game and Addition Numbers POP Fidget Math Toys, Create Various Math Operations, Stress Relief Fidget Learning Game Fidget Math Toys （1 Piece） https://a.co/d/5hGaeS6 Wooden play sets so he is able to count them out CozyBomB™ Wooden Number Puzzle Sorting Montessori Toys for 1 Year Old Toddlers - Shape Sorter Counting Game for age 3 4 5 year olds, Preschool Education Math Stacking Block Learning Wood Chunky Jigsaw https://a.co/d/5hQiDDg Honestly it's hard and nerve wracking (and let's be honest) expensive to get the right toys and devices that our kids will like and learn to use but once they pick something it's amazing to see them excel at it. Remember, you are an amazing parent and your child's biggest advocate. You are doing everything you can and I am proud of you ♥️, We go all in. I have learned so much from my kids this way. I do try to find the silly adjacent to whatever they are into to help with things socially. , Our son is a bit like this. He is 4, almost 5. He digs numbers, although his favorite jam is shapes. He’s obsessed with shapes and knows how many sides there are, two vs three dimensional shapes, etc. he has even “assigned” shapes to different family members. Mom is an oval, Dad (me) is a square, he is a diamond. We love to promote this interest and I’m starting to teach him about angles. I think it’s important to roll with it because it is conceptually useful in life to know these scientific concepts and promotes a joy of learning., I wonder how he'd do if you some how bridged the counting he's doing to combinatorics as a broader subject as a way to broaden his arithmetic skills. Maybe you could try simple exercises of something like taking out different subsets of his clothes and asking him how many outfits he can make and if he sees any patterns, or asking him to try come up with how we'd count the number of possible license plates available in his region, the number of "words" he can make out of his name, or how many ice cream orders there are on a menu given all of the available toppings and containers., Exploit it, my son loves numbers and letters a trick I use for him to not elope is I tell him let's count back from 30 and he will stay put starting the sequence although he does need.me to keep saying it, but he will stay put. Whenever we are cleaning up I start counting each thing and he pick up things just to keep sequence going. Kids relax more when you communicate with their interests, start using alphabet and enumerate it, he might be hyper lexic as well and find letters fascinating. Assuming he already knows how to count, which if he is like my kid will figure it out by himself., My son is like this. He’s 11 now. He has an amazing ability to memorize numbers and struggles to comprehend verbal info. Combine those two and he just wanted to do numbers all day when he was four. Broadening his interests has always been a challenge, and even now. I let him go at his own pace with things, but it is hard when he knows little about the world and is not too interested in knowing more. However, he’s starting to ask more questions about the world. No friends though. When he was little we got the game Prime Climb and he loved it. There’s also the book Really Big Numbers that he loved. He was really into the powers of 2. We leaned into his focus on numbers and he was happy. One game we would play would be to open a book to the index in the back and I read the words and he reads the page number. My wife wasn’t sure about doing numbers with him all the time, but I figured that we should make sure he’s having as much fun as possible at that age. Eventually his interests expanded. He would also play with toy trains and he was also very interested in a take apart toy airplane and also playing at the park. We also put him in ABA because he was self harming when he got mad. I recall they mostly played games with him and he liked it. This may have helped to broaden his interests., My son is very much like this but with letters. He is 4. At first it was just the wooden blocked but it has graduated to multiple packs of plastic letters. He has an amazing ability for spelling and he can already read and sound out words. He only started talking a year ago. For me, it was a little irritating at first because he would spend all day just spelling out 20th century fox and recreating the spotlights on the side and the podium it sits on. All day everyday for MONTHS. One day I just got so sick of it I started spelling with his letters different words. He got upset and started throwing them. When I realized that he is a very visual kid my husband and I decided we would use the plastic letters to our advantage and started spelling out words to see if he recognized them. Let me tell you, he picked up reading REALLY quickly after that. He's already reading at a second grade level and even learned to type on a keyboard. He uses a computer to get on youtube, knows how to open the browser what to click. It was amazing to see. He figured out the keyboard was like his letters but cause and effect came into play. He has recently moved onto numbers. So, when he started getting interested in numbers we got him books and coloring books. He's visual so it helps a lot. He sees how many of what is there and is able to count them. After getting into the letters I started encouraging him to try to write them. Which is going to help with school. It is very hard trying to figure out ways to incorporate their interests into other aspects of life. Id recommend looking into autism friendly activities. They have printouts on Google that have helped a lot as well. Also on Amazon they have these mats you can get with these like wax sticks. My husband also wants to try to teach him how to use an abacus Cltoyvers Wooden Abacus for Kids Math with 100 Counting Sticks and Number Toys Cards 1-100, Educational Math Games Preschool Learning Toys, Math Manipulatives for Elementary 1st 2nd Grade https://a.co/d/6ZUKXIE We also got counting books like the very hungry catapillar. Also poppits with multiplication and numbers on them AK-SHIP Doubled Side Macaron Multiplication Game and Addition Numbers POP Fidget Math Toys, Create Various Math Operations, Stress Relief Fidget Learning Game Fidget Math Toys （1 Piece） https://a.co/d/5hGaeS6 Wooden play sets so he is able to count them out CozyBomB™ Wooden Number Puzzle Sorting Montessori Toys for 1 Year Old Toddlers - Shape Sorter Counting Game for age 3 4 5 year olds, Preschool Education Math Stacking Block Learning Wood Chunky Jigsaw https://a.co/d/5hQiDDg Honestly it's hard and nerve wracking (and let's be honest) expensive to get the right toys and devices that our kids will like and learn to use but once they pick something it's amazing to see them excel at it. Remember, you are an amazing parent and your child's biggest advocate. You are doing everything you can and I am proud of you ♥️, We go all in. I have learned so much from my kids this way. I do try to find the silly adjacent to whatever they are into to help with things socially. , Our son is a bit like this. He is 4, almost 5. He digs numbers, although his favorite jam is shapes. He’s obsessed with shapes and knows how many sides there are, two vs three dimensional shapes, etc. he has even “assigned” shapes to different family members. Mom is an oval, Dad (me) is a square, he is a diamond. We love to promote this interest and I’m starting to teach him about angles. I think it’s important to roll with it because it is conceptually useful in life to know these scientific concepts and promotes a joy of learning., I wonder how he'd do if you some how bridged the counting he's doing to combinatorics as a broader subject as a way to broaden his arithmetic skills. Maybe you could try simple exercises of something like taking out different subsets of his clothes and asking him how many outfits he can make and if he sees any patterns, or asking him to try come up with how we'd count the number of possible license plates available in his region, the number of "words" he can make out of his name, or how many ice cream orders there are on a menu given all of the available toppings and containers., Exploit it, my son loves numbers and letters a trick I use for him to not elope is I tell him let's count back from 30 and he will stay put starting the sequence although he does need.me to keep saying it, but he will stay put. Whenever we are cleaning up I start counting each thing and he pick up things just to keep sequence going. Kids relax more when you communicate with their interests, start using alphabet and enumerate it, he might be hyper lexic as well and find letters fascinating. Assuming he already knows how to count, which if he is like my kid will figure it out by himself., My son is like this. He’s 11 now. He has an amazing ability to memorize numbers and struggles to comprehend verbal info. Combine those two and he just wanted to do numbers all day when he was four. Broadening his interests has always been a challenge, and even now. I let him go at his own pace with things, but it is hard when he knows little about the world and is not too interested in knowing more. However, he’s starting to ask more questions about the world. No friends though. When he was little we got the game Prime Climb and he loved it. There’s also the book Really Big Numbers that he loved. He was really into the powers of 2. We leaned into his focus on numbers and he was happy. One game we would play would be to open a book to the index in the back and I read the words and he reads the page number. My wife wasn’t sure about doing numbers with him all the time, but I figured that we should make sure he’s having as much fun as possible at that age. Eventually his interests expanded. He would also play with toy trains and he was also very interested in a take apart toy airplane and also playing at the park. We also put him in ABA because he was self harming when he got mad. I recall they mostly played games with him and he liked it. This may have helped to broaden his interests., My son is very much like this but with letters. He is 4. At first it was just the wooden blocked but it has graduated to multiple packs of plastic letters. He has an amazing ability for spelling and he can already read and sound out words. He only started talking a year ago. For me, it was a little irritating at first because he would spend all day just spelling out 20th century fox and recreating the spotlights on the side and the podium it sits on. All day everyday for MONTHS. One day I just got so sick of it I started spelling with his letters different words. He got upset and started throwing them. When I realized that he is a very visual kid my husband and I decided we would use the plastic letters to our advantage and started spelling out words to see if he recognized them. Let me tell you, he picked up reading REALLY quickly after that. He's already reading at a second grade level and even learned to type on a keyboard. He uses a computer to get on youtube, knows how to open the browser what to click. It was amazing to see. He figured out the keyboard was like his letters but cause and effect came into play. He has recently moved onto numbers. So, when he started getting interested in numbers we got him books and coloring books. He's visual so it helps a lot. He sees how many of what is there and is able to count them. After getting into the letters I started encouraging him to try to write them. Which is going to help with school. It is very hard trying to figure out ways to incorporate their interests into other aspects of life. Id recommend looking into autism friendly activities. They have printouts on Google that have helped a lot as well. Also on Amazon they have these mats you can get with these like wax sticks. My husband also wants to try to teach him how to use an abacus Cltoyvers Wooden Abacus for Kids Math with 100 Counting Sticks and Number Toys Cards 1-100, Educational Math Games Preschool Learning Toys, Math Manipulatives for Elementary 1st 2nd Grade https://a.co/d/6ZUKXIE We also got counting books like the very hungry catapillar. Also poppits with multiplication and numbers on them AK-SHIP Doubled Side Macaron Multiplication Game and Addition Numbers POP Fidget Math Toys, Create Various Math Operations, Stress Relief Fidget Learning Game Fidget Math Toys （1 Piece） https://a.co/d/5hGaeS6 Wooden play sets so he is able to count them out CozyBomB™ Wooden Number Puzzle Sorting Montessori Toys for 1 Year Old Toddlers - Shape Sorter Counting Game for age 3 4 5 year olds, Preschool Education Math Stacking Block Learning Wood Chunky Jigsaw https://a.co/d/5hQiDDg Honestly it's hard and nerve wracking (and let's be honest) expensive to get the right toys and devices that our kids will like and learn to use but once they pick something it's amazing to see them excel at it. Remember, you are an amazing parent and your child's biggest advocate. You are doing everything you can and I am proud of you ♥️, We go all in. I have learned so much from my kids this way. I do try to find the silly adjacent to whatever they are into to help with things socially. , Our son is a bit like this. He is 4, almost 5. He digs numbers, although his favorite jam is shapes. He’s obsessed with shapes and knows how many sides there are, two vs three dimensional shapes, etc. he has even “assigned” shapes to different family members. Mom is an oval, Dad (me) is a square, he is a diamond. We love to promote this interest and I’m starting to teach him about angles. I think it’s important to roll with it because it is conceptually useful in life to know these scientific concepts and promotes a joy of learning., I wonder how he'd do if you some how bridged the counting he's doing to combinatorics as a broader subject as a way to broaden his arithmetic skills. Maybe you could try simple exercises of something like taking out different subsets of his clothes and asking him how many outfits he can make and if he sees any patterns, or asking him to try come up with how we'd count the number of possible license plates available in his region, the number of "words" he can make out of his name, or how many ice cream orders there are on a menu given all of the available toppings and containers., Exploit it, my son loves numbers and letters a trick I use for him to not elope is I tell him let's count back from 30 and he will stay put starting the sequence although he does need.me to keep saying it, but he will stay put. Whenever we are cleaning up I start counting each thing and he pick up things just to keep sequence going. Kids relax more when you communicate with their interests, start using alphabet and enumerate it, he might be hyper lexic as well and find letters fascinating. Assuming he already knows how to count, which if he is like my kid will figure it out by himself., My son is like this. He’s 11 now. He has an amazing ability to memorize numbers and struggles to comprehend verbal info. Combine those two and he just wanted to do numbers all day when he was four. Broadening his interests has always been a challenge, and even now. I let him go at his own pace with things, but it is hard when he knows little about the world and is not too interested in knowing more. However, he’s starting to ask more questions about the world. No friends though. When he was little we got the game Prime Climb and he loved it. There’s also the book Really Big Numbers that he loved. He was really into the powers of 2. We leaned into his focus on numbers and he was happy. One game we would play would be to open a book to the index in the back and I read the words and he reads the page number. My wife wasn’t sure about doing numbers with him all the time, but I figured that we should make sure he’s having as much fun as possible at that age. Eventually his interests expanded. He would also play with toy trains and he was also very interested in a take apart toy airplane and also playing at the park. We also put him in ABA because he was self harming when he got mad. I recall they mostly played games with him and he liked it. This may have helped to broaden his interests., My son is very much like this but with letters. He is 4. At first it was just the wooden blocked but it has graduated to multiple packs of plastic letters. He has an amazing ability for spelling and he can already read and sound out words. He only started talking a year ago. For me, it was a little irritating at first because he would spend all day just spelling out 20th century fox and recreating the spotlights on the side and the podium it sits on. All day everyday for MONTHS. One day I just got so sick of it I started spelling with his letters different words. He got upset and started throwing them. When I realized that he is a very visual kid my husband and I decided we would use the plastic letters to our advantage and started spelling out words to see if he recognized them. Let me tell you, he picked up reading REALLY quickly after that. He's already reading at a second grade level and even learned to type on a keyboard. He uses a computer to get on youtube, knows how to open the browser what to click. It was amazing to see. He figured out the keyboard was like his letters but cause and effect came into play. He has recently moved onto numbers. So, when he started getting interested in numbers we got him books and coloring books. He's visual so it helps a lot. He sees how many of what is there and is able to count them. After getting into the letters I started encouraging him to try to write them. Which is going to help with school. It is very hard trying to figure out ways to incorporate their interests into other aspects of life. Id recommend looking into autism friendly activities. They have printouts on Google that have helped a lot as well. Also on Amazon they have these mats you can get with these like wax sticks. My husband also wants to try to teach him how to use an abacus Cltoyvers Wooden Abacus for Kids Math with 100 Counting Sticks and Number Toys Cards 1-100, Educational Math Games Preschool Learning Toys, Math Manipulatives for Elementary 1st 2nd Grade https://a.co/d/6ZUKXIE We also got counting books like the very hungry catapillar. Also poppits with multiplication and numbers on them AK-SHIP Doubled Side Macaron Multiplication Game and Addition Numbers POP Fidget Math Toys, Create Various Math Operations, Stress Relief Fidget Learning Game Fidget Math Toys （1 Piece） https://a.co/d/5hGaeS6 Wooden play sets so he is able to count them out CozyBomB™ Wooden Number Puzzle Sorting Montessori Toys for 1 Year Old Toddlers - Shape Sorter Counting Game for age 3 4 5 year olds, Preschool Education Math Stacking Block Learning Wood Chunky Jigsaw https://a.co/d/5hQiDDg Honestly it's hard and nerve wracking (and let's be honest) expensive to get the right toys and devices that our kids will like and learn to use but once they pick something it's amazing to see them excel at it. Remember, you are an amazing parent and your child's biggest advocate. You are doing everything you can and I am proud of you ♥️, We go all in. I have learned so much from my kids this way. I do try to find the silly adjacent to whatever they are into to help with things socially. , Our son is a bit like this. He is 4, almost 5. He digs numbers, although his favorite jam is shapes. He’s obsessed with shapes and knows how many sides there are, two vs three dimensional shapes, etc. he has even “assigned” shapes to different family members. Mom is an oval, Dad (me) is a square, he is a diamond. We love to promote this interest and I’m starting to teach him about angles. I think it’s important to roll with it because it is conceptually useful in life to know these scientific concepts and promotes a joy of learning., I wonder how he'd do if you some how bridged the counting he's doing to combinatorics as a broader subject as a way to broaden his arithmetic skills. Maybe you could try simple exercises of something like taking out different subsets of his clothes and asking him how many outfits he can make and if he sees any patterns, or asking him to try come up with how we'd count the number of possible license plates available in his region, the number of "words" he can make out of his name, or how many ice cream orders there are on a menu given all of the available toppings and containers., Exploit it, my son loves numbers and letters a trick I use for him to not elope is I tell him let's count back from 30 and he will stay put starting the sequence although he does need.me to keep saying it, but he will stay put. Whenever we are cleaning up I start counting each thing and he pick up things just to keep sequence going. Kids relax more when you communicate with their interests, start using alphabet and enumerate it, he might be hyper lexic as well and find letters fascinating. Assuming he already knows how to count, which if he is like my kid will figure it out by himself.

Hyposensitive

Hey guys! So I’m just starting to learn about everything this diagnosis can entail recently. My daughter just got diagnosed with a hyposensitive sensory disorder, so kind of what I already observed on a daily basis already. Just wanted to know if anyone has experienced this with theirs and how the occupational therapy, if you had it, helped? Thank you!

I haven't heard this term. I have heard it called sensory-seeking. You may get more responses about helping a sensory-seeking child. I LOVE OT. I think OT is just the cat's pajamas. First, they can help figure out what level of sensory input she needs and how to create a sensory diet that fulfills her sensory needs. It's a great place for her to test out different tools, like ball pits or crash pads, without you having to purchase them first. After they figure out what input she needs to be regulated, you can move on to other goals. Helping her recognize her emotions, how to name them, how to learn what she needs when she feels that emotion. OT can also help her to learn skills she wants to learn, like holding a pencil correctly to write and if there are tools that can help. They assess for things like core strength or hand strength that can in pack our kids without us realizing. OT does so much., My son exactly. 3.5 years old. Can step on a Lego and doesn’t seem bothered. Can jump in puddles and his boors get completely wet and he’s not complaining. Sand in shoes doesn’t bother him. Potty training is going so slowly as he does not realize when he has a poo / wee- even in his underwear. OT with sensory integration is fundamental for any type of sensory processing differences. Our OT helped a lot, but mainly by giving us tools on how to play with him and taught me to understand and be more aware of his challenges. Most importantly, a lot of patience is needed :) Book I cannot recommend enough is “out of sync child”. I learned a lot from it! Hope this helps!, Really?? Thank you so much! Yeah she’s going to be evaluated in a couple weeks and they’ll decide how often she should be seen from there I guess. I realized recently, and it showed a lot in the speech evaluation, that when she’s tuned into something she has very little awareness of what’s going on around her. She was chasing the same green ball the whole time and kept tripping over things and walking into things because she wasn’t watching where she was walking AT ALL! She just doesn’t seem to care too much about a lot around her, and is more in her own little bubble ya know? So they said they could help with that, but I always just assumed that was just a personality trait of hers, her disinterest I guess, and that it couldn’t be helped., I’m going to repost this now with the title sensory seeking and see if I get other responses too. I really appreciate it!, Thank you so much! I know it’s usually a mic and she does seem to have a small mix of both hyper and hyposensitivity, but definitely leading more toward the sensory seeking behaviors. She also has like absolute no sense of spatial awareness and trips on things pretty often! So they said it could help with that as well. These were all things I didn’t even know could be helped to be honest. Thank you though I really appreciate the response and am definitely looking into the book!, If you don't love her therapist, ask for a different one. The fit between kid and therapist matters so much, and I feel an immediate YES when it works. If they ask you what goals you have, it's okay to say you aren't sure what OT addresses and that you are open to hearing what they think would serve her. For sensory-seeking kids, I think a sensory diet is key. An aside- I don't love the term sensory diet because it sounds like restriction to me, but for my son, it means making sure he gets enough input each day, and what type of input., I haven't heard this term. I have heard it called sensory-seeking. You may get more responses about helping a sensory-seeking child. I LOVE OT. I think OT is just the cat's pajamas. First, they can help figure out what level of sensory input she needs and how to create a sensory diet that fulfills her sensory needs. It's a great place for her to test out different tools, like ball pits or crash pads, without you having to purchase them first. After they figure out what input she needs to be regulated, you can move on to other goals. Helping her recognize her emotions, how to name them, how to learn what she needs when she feels that emotion. OT can also help her to learn skills she wants to learn, like holding a pencil correctly to write and if there are tools that can help. They assess for things like core strength or hand strength that can in pack our kids without us realizing. OT does so much., My son exactly. 3.5 years old. Can step on a Lego and doesn’t seem bothered. Can jump in puddles and his boors get completely wet and he’s not complaining. Sand in shoes doesn’t bother him. Potty training is going so slowly as he does not realize when he has a poo / wee- even in his underwear. OT with sensory integration is fundamental for any type of sensory processing differences. Our OT helped a lot, but mainly by giving us tools on how to play with him and taught me to understand and be more aware of his challenges. Most importantly, a lot of patience is needed :) Book I cannot recommend enough is “out of sync child”. I learned a lot from it! Hope this helps!, Really?? Thank you so much! Yeah she’s going to be evaluated in a couple weeks and they’ll decide how often she should be seen from there I guess. I realized recently, and it showed a lot in the speech evaluation, that when she’s tuned into something she has very little awareness of what’s going on around her. She was chasing the same green ball the whole time and kept tripping over things and walking into things because she wasn’t watching where she was walking AT ALL! She just doesn’t seem to care too much about a lot around her, and is more in her own little bubble ya know? So they said they could help with that, but I always just assumed that was just a personality trait of hers, her disinterest I guess, and that it couldn’t be helped., I’m going to repost this now with the title sensory seeking and see if I get other responses too. I really appreciate it!, Thank you so much! I know it’s usually a mic and she does seem to have a small mix of both hyper and hyposensitivity, but definitely leading more toward the sensory seeking behaviors. She also has like absolute no sense of spatial awareness and trips on things pretty often! So they said it could help with that as well. These were all things I didn’t even know could be helped to be honest. Thank you though I really appreciate the response and am definitely looking into the book!, If you don't love her therapist, ask for a different one. The fit between kid and therapist matters so much, and I feel an immediate YES when it works. If they ask you what goals you have, it's okay to say you aren't sure what OT addresses and that you are open to hearing what they think would serve her. For sensory-seeking kids, I think a sensory diet is key. An aside- I don't love the term sensory diet because it sounds like restriction to me, but for my son, it means making sure he gets enough input each day, and what type of input., I haven't heard this term. I have heard it called sensory-seeking. You may get more responses about helping a sensory-seeking child. I LOVE OT. I think OT is just the cat's pajamas. First, they can help figure out what level of sensory input she needs and how to create a sensory diet that fulfills her sensory needs. It's a great place for her to test out different tools, like ball pits or crash pads, without you having to purchase them first. After they figure out what input she needs to be regulated, you can move on to other goals. Helping her recognize her emotions, how to name them, how to learn what she needs when she feels that emotion. OT can also help her to learn skills she wants to learn, like holding a pencil correctly to write and if there are tools that can help. They assess for things like core strength or hand strength that can in pack our kids without us realizing. OT does so much., My son exactly. 3.5 years old. Can step on a Lego and doesn’t seem bothered. Can jump in puddles and his boors get completely wet and he’s not complaining. Sand in shoes doesn’t bother him. Potty training is going so slowly as he does not realize when he has a poo / wee- even in his underwear. OT with sensory integration is fundamental for any type of sensory processing differences. Our OT helped a lot, but mainly by giving us tools on how to play with him and taught me to understand and be more aware of his challenges. Most importantly, a lot of patience is needed :) Book I cannot recommend enough is “out of sync child”. I learned a lot from it! Hope this helps!, Really?? Thank you so much! Yeah she’s going to be evaluated in a couple weeks and they’ll decide how often she should be seen from there I guess. I realized recently, and it showed a lot in the speech evaluation, that when she’s tuned into something she has very little awareness of what’s going on around her. She was chasing the same green ball the whole time and kept tripping over things and walking into things because she wasn’t watching where she was walking AT ALL! She just doesn’t seem to care too much about a lot around her, and is more in her own little bubble ya know? So they said they could help with that, but I always just assumed that was just a personality trait of hers, her disinterest I guess, and that it couldn’t be helped., I’m going to repost this now with the title sensory seeking and see if I get other responses too. I really appreciate it!, Thank you so much! I know it’s usually a mic and she does seem to have a small mix of both hyper and hyposensitivity, but definitely leading more toward the sensory seeking behaviors. She also has like absolute no sense of spatial awareness and trips on things pretty often! So they said it could help with that as well. These were all things I didn’t even know could be helped to be honest. Thank you though I really appreciate the response and am definitely looking into the book!, If you don't love her therapist, ask for a different one. The fit between kid and therapist matters so much, and I feel an immediate YES when it works. If they ask you what goals you have, it's okay to say you aren't sure what OT addresses and that you are open to hearing what they think would serve her. For sensory-seeking kids, I think a sensory diet is key. An aside- I don't love the term sensory diet because it sounds like restriction to me, but for my son, it means making sure he gets enough input each day, and what type of input., I haven't heard this term. I have heard it called sensory-seeking. You may get more responses about helping a sensory-seeking child. I LOVE OT. I think OT is just the cat's pajamas. First, they can help figure out what level of sensory input she needs and how to create a sensory diet that fulfills her sensory needs. It's a great place for her to test out different tools, like ball pits or crash pads, without you having to purchase them first. After they figure out what input she needs to be regulated, you can move on to other goals. Helping her recognize her emotions, how to name them, how to learn what she needs when she feels that emotion. OT can also help her to learn skills she wants to learn, like holding a pencil correctly to write and if there are tools that can help. They assess for things like core strength or hand strength that can in pack our kids without us realizing. OT does so much., My son exactly. 3.5 years old. Can step on a Lego and doesn’t seem bothered. Can jump in puddles and his boors get completely wet and he’s not complaining. Sand in shoes doesn’t bother him. Potty training is going so slowly as he does not realize when he has a poo / wee- even in his underwear. OT with sensory integration is fundamental for any type of sensory processing differences. Our OT helped a lot, but mainly by giving us tools on how to play with him and taught me to understand and be more aware of his challenges. Most importantly, a lot of patience is needed :) Book I cannot recommend enough is “out of sync child”. I learned a lot from it! Hope this helps!, Really?? Thank you so much! Yeah she’s going to be evaluated in a couple weeks and they’ll decide how often she should be seen from there I guess. I realized recently, and it showed a lot in the speech evaluation, that when she’s tuned into something she has very little awareness of what’s going on around her. She was chasing the same green ball the whole time and kept tripping over things and walking into things because she wasn’t watching where she was walking AT ALL! She just doesn’t seem to care too much about a lot around her, and is more in her own little bubble ya know? So they said they could help with that, but I always just assumed that was just a personality trait of hers, her disinterest I guess, and that it couldn’t be helped., I’m going to repost this now with the title sensory seeking and see if I get other responses too. I really appreciate it!, Thank you so much! I know it’s usually a mic and she does seem to have a small mix of both hyper and hyposensitivity, but definitely leading more toward the sensory seeking behaviors. She also has like absolute no sense of spatial awareness and trips on things pretty often! So they said it could help with that as well. These were all things I didn’t even know could be helped to be honest. Thank you though I really appreciate the response and am definitely looking into the book!, If you don't love her therapist, ask for a different one. The fit between kid and therapist matters so much, and I feel an immediate YES when it works. If they ask you what goals you have, it's okay to say you aren't sure what OT addresses and that you are open to hearing what they think would serve her. For sensory-seeking kids, I think a sensory diet is key. An aside- I don't love the term sensory diet because it sounds like restriction to me, but for my son, it means making sure he gets enough input each day, and what type of input.

I Needed To Vent, So I’m Here..

My Daughter Has Autism. I Know Shes A Handful And I Understand That Not Everyone’s Going To Have The Patience That I Have For Her. I’ve Been Having Issues With Her Teacher. Her Teacher Told My Mom She Put My Daughter On Time Out For 15 Minutes. I Don’t Agree On Time Out, I Firmly Believe In Redirecting. It Isn’t The First Time Either. 15 Minutes Is A Bit Much Too. From What I’ve Understood You’re Supposed To Do Whatever Age They Are. SHES 5. 15 Minutes Is A Bit Much. She’s Put Her In The Back Of The Class Because She “Can’t Sit Still”. After Reviewing Her EIP She Realized It Specified She Had To Be In Close Proximity. So She Moved Her, I Just Feel Like She Doesn’t Want To Put Up With My Daughter. I’ve Become THAT Mom Where I’m Messaging All The Time. And I’m Beyond Frustrated

Sorry to hear about this frustration. For any time out, it’s supposed to be 1 minute per age. A 5 year old would be in a timeout for 5 minutes max, not more. I would talk to the special education department and possibly the principal of the school and see if there’s an option to switch teachers if possible. A different teacher would be better for your daughter., If she's in the ged ed classroom, I'd have her moved to the contained/sped classroom instead. I'd call a meeting to have her IEP adjusted so that she doesn't have to sit in timeout anymore. What therapies is she in? Have the therapists reach out to the school and collaborate on how they can help her.

I Pad Use

My little girl is 2 years old and non-verbal. Recently, she's started showing this amazing interest in the iPad and the games on it. She's got this game where she matches colours, like dragging coloured umbrellas to the right coloured spot or moving relevant items right or left to a kitchen or to a bathroom. She grabs our hand and guides us to help her with the task. I'm not sure if this is her way of playing together with us or if she's just leading us to help her out, but either way, it's pretty fascinating. And you wouldn't believe how well she can navigate around YouTube and her games. She just seems to know her way in and out of these apps, which blows me away every time I see it. Do you think this could be a good sign, especially for her communication in the future? Maybe using a device like this to help her express herself? I'm really curious to hear what you think about it, given your experience. Thanks a lot for taking the time to read this. I'm really looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

So my nearly 2.5 year old is also a huge fan of her iPad. And it can be a good tool, but it can also be something that is difficult to transition from, as the white point on the screens are, by default, set so high as a means to entrance users. Our daughter watches a good bit of Miss Rachel and PBS Kids. She is just starting with some expressive speech, but she’s used PECS to communicate a few times. I’m not an expert on autism, but a lot of times it seems obvious my daughter wants to communicate, she just struggles with making her body actually do it. Finding ways for her to communicate has helped her be less frustrated. Whether it’s me holding up two objects and having her grab the one she wants, just following her vision path because she will generally stare at what she wants, paying attention to her expressions and body language, etc. All of these things are means of communication. Due to “it’s a spectrum”, what will be a successful strategy for your kid may differ from mine. But any time my kid is enjoying something, I’m generally a fan of it.

I am going to tell some parents teenager their child is autistic, advice needed!

Edit: sorry for the confusing title, I realized after writing it was not clear and correct! Hi all! A little background: I am myself an autistic person and I teach math to teenagers. A few days ago I met a new student, he is around 14/15 yo. Probably because I am myself autistic, I can usually tell when someone else is autistic. In this case, it was so clear to me I was sure about it after the first 2-3 seconds. He was avoiding eye contact, he refused physical contact, he had a very monotone tone of voice... his mother told me he is having problem at school because he could't focus in the class because of the noise (come on!) and he was isolating himself from peers (+ other things, but it was a short meeting). So, basically, yeah, I was sure not only he is autistic, but also that his parent were aware of it. It was so obvious. That evening I texted his mother, giving advice about the problems he was having with the math and, very gently, asked if I should be informed about other problems, because I have noticed some neuro atypical behaviour. She was very confused about it, but very kindly asked for info. At that point I gave her a little overview about what I have noticed, and that he is very similar to other autistic/asperger adult men I have met. I gave her a few links about what I was talking about, and hoped for the better. She told me I was wrong (very kindly anyway) and that her child was behaving like this because of hormones and he inherited the shyness from the parents (autism is genetic, so yeah, it is likely she is right about this). She told me he is seeing a psychologist and she is going to tell them about my suspicions. A very very nice parent to talk to, very open and kind. The problem is that in my country (Italy) it is very unlikely to receive a diagnosis of autism from a random psychologist, unless you go there with a child with stims and problems with speaking. He is an asperger guy, he has obvious problems with communication, emotions, socializing and so on, and the research has shown he would met the criteria to receive the diagnose. He would receive the help he needs, and probably avoid going toward huge problems with anxiety and depression (as it happened to me). What should I do? I feel I don't have any more "card to play" because this is not my problem. But I really want to help that poor guy and believe me in this, most of you will agree with me he is asperger after looking at him for a few seconds. I am 100% sure about this. The problem is that I can't say to his mom "I am sure and you are wrong about your own child" and I can't say "the psycologist is probably not trained in recognizing asperger because only some of them study that problem good enough". I may sound irrealistic and she won't believe me anymore. This is why I am writing here. Do you have any advice for me? Should I really stop worrying about this problem, which is not mine? Knowing I haven't done everything is was possible to save this guy as soon as possible? Maybe he is going to be bullied, or he is going to fail classes just because the environment is not good for him, or he is going toward depression, and that is a terrible place where to be... he is going to be alone if no one is going to help him. When I was not diagnosed, I wanted so much to be saved from someone. If only someone had told me "oh, you are different and not crazy and stupid"... everything would have been so easier in my life. This is way I care so much. But I als know I don't have any card to play. I can't say "I am austistic myself" because whe would't believe me, if the only idea of autism she has are the childs with stims. Help is appreciated, thank you very much. Edit after reading your comments: it was helpful, thank you. I am sorry if I sounded bad in some way, I truly just wanted to help without having the ability to do it (and maybe even the right). I am a bit sad for the downvotes because I thought I was doing a good thing, but I was maybe crossing a line. So thank you for explaining me that FINAL EDIT: Since this is getting so much attention.. I have an update. (First, sorry english is not my first language!) After his mum told me she was going to seek a professional advice, I decided to come out as autistic and explain why I was thinking about it and why it was important in my opinion. She was very kind and she told me she was going to listen to my advice and talk to a specialized professional. Even if it was wrong, for his child she was going to give it a try. She literally told me “I will do everything for them and this is not an exception”. So the outcome is super positive, and my “part” ends here. I am not working in a school or similar, I am a private teacher so don’t worry about me being fired or similar. After 7 years working with teens, this was my first time ever doing this, it is not what I usually do. I have seen a lot of children in a lot of bad situations but I couldn’t do anything about it, so I didn’t. Anyway thank you all for your advices. I appreciated the pov of everyone. And sorry for my english, it probably caused some misunderstanding.

There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!, There is nothing to do and anything you say going forward would be pushing a boundary. You have expressed your concerns, shared information and informed them… what else can be done? What outcome are you hoping for?, You have good intentions, and you may be correct....But you are not a trained expert, and diagnosing strangers is a slippery slope. Its time to back off. Do the job they hired you for, which is still helping, and let the family handle the rest., The monotone voice can be caused by lots of early ear infections. That’s something that really should be seen by a speech therapist. (I wasn’t aware that it is related to autism) The psychological might already have a working diagnosis. The good part is that they are working with their son. Their son is functioning in school. They are successful in school, you are not writing about massive meltdowns or tantrums. I know autism is the popular diagnosis. However there are other diagnosis. If her son is shy he is going to be missing the sensory processing piece. Shyness has also been proven to be genetic and they did discover a gene behind it., If you feel comfortable doing so, have you shared that you are autistic, why a diagnosis is so important, how difficult it was to get one and what getting one meant for you with them and experiences in getting diagnosis? I think it would lend authenticity and experience to your advice., Shyness isn’t a tell tale sign of Autism, and if it is that means you can train someone out of Autism (shyness) Shyness comes from anxieties and anxiety is common trait in people with high levels of Creativity. Maybe maths just isn’t the right subject for this child., I had a teacher try something similar when I was a kid. My parents thankfully told them to mind their own business and I grew up just fine., Mind your own business. And yes I know I am going to be downvoted for this. But seriously, mind your own buisness., I’ve been an educator for 10 years. You’ve said your peace and now it’s time to move on. It’s hard to feel like your concern isn’t being heard, but they’ve done very well and are going to speak further with someone qualified. From here you need to let go of your own worries that it isn’t the right person. You don’t know what he was like as a child or if how he’s behaving now is due to some new trauma’s or mental health conditions. He is actively seeing a mental health professional and that is all you can really hope for., This has been an interesting thread to watch. I think some people might be getting tripped up on some word/phrase choices because of OP's English. I'm going to offer some observations and my perspective as someone whose kid was diagnosed very very late by anybody's standards. I been noticing people getting downvoted a bit for sympathizing more with the effects on the child, brainstorming ways to keep planting seeds with these parents, and even discussing their experience having more subtle traits that were missed early on. I will tell you that I wish some educator would have been brave enough to feel it was "their business" to repeatedly let me/my husband/my child know that they might be autistic. We just didn't know better, simple as that. It's like if the parent(s) doesn't/don't somehow notice and they keep brushing up against psychiatric and medical professionals who have outdated views, you're screwed, especially if you're a kid whose parents are refusing to look into it on purpose after having it clearly spelled out to you, because of denial/shame/whatever else. There should be a way to offset this. My child and I have mutually noticed a pattern for quite a while from all of our people watching. It's frighteningly easy for a kid's autism to not be picked up if a couple of very flimsy criteria fail, especially if said kid hits a lot of milestones early on, which are that the parents and the kid's primary care doctor don't notice/want to investigate, and first and foremost, it's the parents. After that, nobody, no matter how much time they spend around a lot of kids, will usually say anything because it's "not their business". Then you get all these people probably noticing stuff, but keeping their mouths shut and the elephant in the room grows and the kid is left to sink or swim, because somehow, society landed on this set of social norms where delicately tiptoeing around some kid's parents' naivete and/or emotional fragility around the subject of disability, and "parents' rights" as a whole, becomes prioritized over the child's wellbeing. My kid, who has some teaching experience also, told me that this is one of the main reasons they didn't want to ultimately pursue a K-12 teaching career. They said it would destroy them to be under all of this pressure to know what would help some kids but to withhold those things due to the power dynamics at play. This is a pretty glaring instance of the village not raising the kid and pushing this idea of discrete nuclear family units that each fend for themselves. This is one of numerous why universal design is so so, important, one of which because too many things are currently gatekept/can go wrong to where someone doesn't have an official disability on paper even when they really ought to. I say we really have got to start shifting what's expected here for the sake of future generations of kids., OP : Of course, from my heart to yours. I see a lot of people did come off as harsh it seems as if they are really worried about you losing your job. And also explaining boundaries and ethics. Some people get a little fired up when they get concerned. As for the downvotes I'm not really sure why you or I am getting them. It seems you have lots of great advice from this thread and I pray that you make the right choice for yourself., P, You have definitely done enough. If they come back to you for questions or follow up then that door is open for you to solely answer their questions. You have a good heart and want to help but often this will come back to bite you. I’m the type of person that would be very open to hearing out a friend/teacher and would not be offended. I’d appreciate them looking out for my kid. I’ve seen friends be totally offended at a teacher trying to help. It is always best to tread lightly. You’ve done your part :)., Can you recommend some specific clinic or specialist and explain the following steps that will lead to the child receiving some help in class (extra time to commit the assignments etc.), which will save him from failing this year or at least next year? If so, I'd wait a few months and if his performance is still poor reach out again with this potential roadmap. If he does acceptable in class - you've done all you could. Since ASD itself does not require medication, his therapist may teach him coping strategies that will help even without official diagnosis., This is a tricky one. And it takes courage to offer insights to people about a family member. People can be really touchy about hearing these types of things. There can be all kinds of dysfunction in families. I feel like since I became a parent my eyes have been opened so much to how much people don’t parent or how they use avoidance. I had a friend whose son was screamingly autistic. Her house catered to him instead of giving him skills or direction. He’s homeschooled so never around others often enough. His little sister was constantly acting out because it was crazy making being in their home. Nobody ever acknowledged what was going on with him and when he did things that crossed a line they dismissed it and kept moving forward. I don’t know what their block is. Some people are really afraid of the word autism. And they had counselors but I could see how they would at times sabotage his care or the counselor’s ability to see the whole picture. Actually being able to name and treat reality is super important. You’re not wrong but it is unfortunately their right to not accept what may be reality. I had to cut ties with that family and we all really cared about them but it was negatively affecting us too after some time. We can’t make people do things that may be in their best interest but we can be available if they ever come around. It is so hard sometimes to leave a situation alone. I would’ve loved to have someone step in with insights when we were trying for 10 years to get our daughter diagnosed. Keep being you but also know that it’s not up to you to fix things for others., I do appreciate you being so thoughtful. Because of other professionals and people on the spectrum telling me about my son, I was able to get him tested. I really appreciated their insight and Outlook. I advocated long and hard for him to get a test from 8 to 14. It took him really struggling this year in school to actually refer him to get a diagnosis. He'll be 15 this summer. If you feel comfortable sharing that you are on the spectrum as well, it will widen Mom's lens and perception of what autism is.... Thank you for your post and I hope life is kind to you as I can tell you are so kind to life., I am hoping they are going to speak with someone trained for this problem and find out the truth. I am positive they will, some day. It is very likely that the guy himself is going to look for answers at some point in his life. But what if it happens in 10 years? He is going to fail this year at school even if he is very intelligent, this is a pity, isn't it? In 10 years maybe he is not having a job only because he has never received the support he needed. I know I sound to "passionate" about it, it's my autism speaking and wanting to save the world., I am actually not diagnosing anyone, just hoping they will ask a professional about it, I was called shy too but it turns out I'm not shy I'm autistic., Thank you, maybe you are right I am going to think about this!, Yeah, and then there’s people like me, where no teachers, no parents, no adults, no counselors, no therapist paid attention to all of the very obvious signs. Then I grow up having all these internal problems, I pushed them down so deep, to only grow up and have children of my own. Guess who coincidentally are ADHD and Autistic? Some very interesting information, I just wished somebody would have advocated for me., Diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46 and I really wished anyone would have cared about me like that., Love your reply and your point of view, thank you!, Thank you! I actually updated it if you are interested in how it ended! Thank you very much againg, Thank you for your kind reply. From other comments I was feeling so awful for what I was doing!, You are too invested. You are *right on the line* of getting suspended, investigated, and then fired. Personal medical diagnosis are not privileged information; you do NOT have a right to know. Stop., I feel and relate to what you're saying, beautiful soul.. I promise You've done your part and by being here for the young man, you continue to do your part. There's really no need to say anything else to the parents, unless they ask you. However, if your concern is really eating you up, you could always inquire about what the psychologist said.... Tread lightly. I understand wanting to save him and his future. Plant seeds, they will grow., “Problem”?, Why have you downvoted me by the way? Just curious, You have mentally diagnosed them in your own mind (see your post. You are 100% sure about this diagnosis you've given, it seems). From what you've said, you are very justified in having those suspicions/possibly even being willing to assume the diagnosis, but you are mentally diagnosing him and want him to see someone to officially confirm that. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do at this point. I am entirely sympathetic. It's rough to see people you're certain could be getting more help and you can't do anything about it (while getting my daughter diagnosed, I started seeing the same things in my friend's daughter and gently tried bringing up the symptoms/going "oh, have you looked into..." My friend was 100% in denial and wouldn't do anything until her daughter's school pushed for evaluation when the girl hit kindergarten. It was rough to watch, but not much you can do as an outsider, unfortunately), I would hope a psychologist especially with the current level of awareness can determine the difference. The child is already under the care of a professional., I hope it goes well for you. Regardless of their response, you have done a lot more than most in seeking to help someone., Yea, it can go both ways I suppose. I probably could land a diagnosis based on things people here claim are symptoms. But I don't see how the stigma (internal and external), frequent interuptions for behaviorial therapy, distracting medication, etc... would have helped me. I'm happy with my life as is. I wouldn't have traded the time I spent discovering myself for time having other people define me., yes I saw. Knew it'd work out., I am working privately anyway, so not getting fired. They asked me for my opinion, so I let them know, I think it's because it comes off as you're trying to force your view/opinions on the PARENTS of the child. Some parents will be open and inquire, and others might not. You told them your concerns, and that's all you can really do. I think anything more might piss them off. You're overstepping. I'm pretty sure my friends son has autism. I said something lightly so that she might consider it to help him in school, behaviors, and socially. She shut me down. You leave it at that unless you want to push and probably upset someone. Your intentions are good and in the right place, but we can't force people to see what we see or what we think. They gotta do that on their own., Right, I see your point. This was actually really helpful and gave me a little peace of mind. I am indeed very sure in my head but, even if I am right, there is nothing special I can do. I have let them know and this is it. If the world was perfect, and it is not, I would have loved to know if I was right, immediately after “guessing” it. Probably this is pride, isn’t it? It was my first time ever seeing it so clearly that I was sure about my feelings and I wanted them to be confirmed. But it’s not my life and I can’t do anything more. Thank you., I used to put all my trust in the system as well but since personally "fell through the cracks" I have some resentment about that and wish someone would have given me an assessment instead of just calling me shy all the time., My thing is for me at least, all this comes with a pretty severe learning disability which coupled with my daydreaming meant that despite around a 120+ IQ, I absolutely struggle with basic things. I've never had even 5 minutes of help with this in 46 years and now everything is falling apart., They did NOT ask for your opinion. You inserted a tidbit of bait that *any natural parent* would take. They asked for personal feedback regarding math- you inserted your own opinions about personal development; which made them ask what you're talking about. They DID NOT ask for that., Oh okay, this makes sense. Thank you very much. Anyway at the end I told them I am sorry I insisted a little bit and it was all in the interest of their child, I told them I have this idea and I hope they will give it a try one day if they think it’s good for their child. Anyway you are right, I was so focused on the task that I forgot that it shouldn’t be my business. Thank you for explaining me this, Actually, just because I omitted all the conversation it doesn’t mean I am wrong. I asked them if they wanted to tell me something about their child which could be useful for my teaching, because I have noticed difficulties (and didn’t mention what). And that point they asked me kindly to express my point of view without worrying, As someone diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 46, I REALLY appreciate your concern and your sense of urgency. I could have really used a teacher like you. Having said that, please don't let this mess with your career or job performance, other kids will need you too. I would just keep an eye on the kid, be kind of a silent guardian angel and then just be ready if the parents come back to you. You also should probably find an autism expert in your area that you can refer people to. They might rather hear it from a dr than you. Keep it up, what you are doing is morally right but legally sketchy so LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF please., You are not understanding what I am trying to teach you. Every single parent would say yes to somebody saying 'I observed something about your child and would you like to hear what I observed?'; even if it is inappropriate. This is because you're talking *about their child*. OF COURSE they want to know what you think of their child; wrong or right. A parent, waiting to report you, would still say yes to have evidence to report. You do not have the right to talk developmentally about another child; period. You don't have that right in the first place. You were hired for math. You are lucky this mom is gracious to your efforts. Don't do it again., Thank you!!!

I am spiraling

My LO was diagnosed Tuesday. It has been a roller coaster . My husband is devastated. He will hardly eat . I cried when I found out even though I already knew , if that makes sense. I go back and forth between crying and stressing , to being overly positive and thinking it's all going to be okay. However, will it really be ? I am so afraid for my sweet baby . I hate the stigma. I dont want ppl judging her. She was scored" severe" she scored a 24 out of 26 on ADOS-2 and I just dont understand because she isn't even 3 and knows letters, numbers, shapes etc... she does talk but she repeats things. Language isn't functional. I'm scared like will she regress? Will she need 24 hour care? I didn't want this . I know I am rambling. I dont want to offend anyone . I am just really upset and confused . A part of me wishes there was a cure. I know that is very unpopular opinion , I don't want to change my LO . I love her personality... but I want her to make friends , I want her to communicate I want her to be successful. And I worry...will she be? Or if your a parent of a child who is 15 with the mind of a 5 year old ...don't you want a cure ? Should we be doing that? I have a brother with AU and he is very intelligent but life has been so hard for him and I didn't want this . I love my baby so much . I didnt want this for her. I just want things to go smooth . I doubt they will . Sorry for the ramble I am all over the place right now. I don't even know where to begin .

2 years into my son's diagnosis and my best advice is below. 1. Try not to imagine the worst case scenario or picture what the future will be like. I used to drive myself crazy imagining the future and my therapist basically said - quit creating problems for yourself (catastrophizing). Instead, I'm focusing my energy on things in the now - getting him services, placement in the best preschool, and being an advocate for his IEP process. 2. Stop measuring their progress against other kid's. That's an exercise in frustration. Focus instead on if they are improving. 3. You are not a bad parent if you need to grieve. When my first was diagnosed, I felt terrible for feeling sad. I mean who wants their kid to have challenges. My therapist said it was OK to grieve and I worked that out in therapy and I'm 100% glad I did. I still have little moments of sadness, but it's few and far between now. 4. Early intervention is wonderful!. Depending on your state be prepared for service backlogs. Get a disability advocate if you need to and join some local Facebook autism groups. The local groups are such a help in navigating services in my area. 5. It's been so helpful to stop thinking of autism as a spectrum and to start seeing it more like this pie chart. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202208/autistic-linear-spectrum-pie-chart-spectrum, I was very emotional and still am. My child was diagnosed at 2.5 years old this week. My wife misinterpreted it as shame or extreme sadness, grief for myself. I had to explain that this was not the case. I am still very emotional and break down maybe once a day. I think it’s fear. Fear that I will make the wrong decisions in his development. Yes, fear of regression maybe. Fear of the development of violent behaviors as he ages. Fear that he may never live a happy life. I have decided that the best way to handle this is to continue to educate myself, and to discuss everything with my wife. I feel much better after making a game plan, both for me and my child. It is not sad that he is different. He just is. He could be the next great scientific genius of his generation for all I know. I choose not to dwell on the possible negative outcomes and focus on the positive. I have a sweet, loving, and brilliant boy. There’s no reason for me to assume that will change as he gets older., I could have written this exact post a few months ago. It’s best to know early, take the time you need too. Hug your husband, cry with him, remind him you love him, you are in this together don’t forget to support each other. In my experience early intervention was a HUGE help, we started intervention when my LO was 2.5 before he was diagnosed. They helped us get into school programs and gave us advice. School gave him an IEP in aug last year and the teachers are amazing. My kiddo went from repeatedly counting and naming animals to 2 word sentences. He is beginning to respond, make eye contact, and make decisions. He has regressed at points but then makes progress shortly after. We didn’t know what to expect and the uncertainty is terrifying. Do not worry about the things you can not change, instead try to take actions on the things you can. I can not get rid of his autism, but I can get him therapy to help him and I learn. I can not stop the meltdowns, but I can watch to see what triggers him and try different options to help calm him. I can not prevent the stigma/ ignorance, but I hope I can help him learn ways to react/respond. I can not stop people from judging, but we can show them how wrong they are and how amazing my kiddo is. This group has made me feel like I am not alone, my feelings are valid, learn ways to respond to people who word vomit when they find out, and most importantly celebrate the little wins that most people take for granted. Good luck to you and your little one. You are not alone, we care and support you., I know where you’re coming from because I was in the same boat, and still am. My daughter was doing the exact same as yours at the same age. It is devastating news but it is better finding out now than at 6. I never thought my daughter would say the word “daddy” but now, at 6 years old, she has a whole array of words. There is still a lot of frustration and she is in an ASD unit but with the goal of joining mainstream school soon. Early intervention is key. As someone who isn’t patient with her, I implore one of you two to be the patient one. Get her to OT. Get her a puppy or a kitten. Get her horse riding. Hey whatever supports you can. It will make a big difference. If my daughter can progress from 6 to 9 the same way she did from 3 to 6 then things will be ok. From what you’ve posted it sounds like they are on a similar path., Way you described your little girl is exactly how my son was. Was hyperlexic, knew all the shapes colors etc. but v little to no functional language. He’s 10 now, and I’m not going to sugar coat, she’s probably never going to just be “normal”. She’s probablygoing to seem immature for her age esp as she gets older. BUT, if she’s like my boy she will learn to communicate v well, and could do v well at aspects of school, esp in earlier years. It’s easy to go to extreme negative, and also the extreme positive. But most likely she’ll turn out somewhere in the middle to maybe closer to positive side, based on your expectations. There was a time where I thought I’d never be able to share Interests and have a convo with my son. Now he communicates very well and we share a few interests. Probably more importantly than any of that though, is you as parents will love her and learn and adapt along the way. You won’t always feel about it as you do now I promise., Nobody wants their child’s life to be hard, it’s completely normal what you’re feeling. It’s better to have a healthy amount of concern than be a Pollyanna parent and then get hit with the reality all of sudden , completely unprepared. My advice, hope for the best and prepare for the worst, Well, I’m not successful and I don’t really make/have friends but I enjoy my life. My idea of success has changed a lot since I became an adult about 20 years ago. I suffered from severe treatment resistant depression while I was masking and trying to be traditionally successful, leading to complete burnout and a suicide attempt that caused a brain injury. When I accepted a different definition of success, mostly just being fairly content in life regardless of what that means, my life became manageable and enjoyable for the first time. I feel the same now about my child. He may not live a traditionally successful life, but it doesn’t matter so long as he can be generally content and enjoy life. My son has grown so much since his diagnosis at 2 years old. He’ll be 6 in August and will be entering into first grade. He has developed functional language and can communicate his needs, even if it did take longer for him. He’s not a master of conversation yet, but neither am I so I won’t judge. He loves drawing and building with Duplo blocks, is amazing at math, and loves colours and rainbows. He’s very friendly and caring, even if some of his approaches to this are a bit atypical and get smiles from adults and older kids. He’s well liked by his teachers and his reading buddy, and has made friends with some classmates in kindergarten. He helped the younger students in his class so much this year (we have 2 year kindergarten starting at 4 years old). He has had his difficulties but we work through them. He had a fair bit of trouble with safety and impulsivity until he was diagnosed with ADHD and started taking meds for it. He is sometimes physically aggressive if he becomes overwhelmed. We work together to try to avoid overwhelm by limiting sensory input that bothers him, providing sensory input that is calming for him, learning how to recognize emotions, and practicing coping strategies. I have no doubt he’ll continue to get better and better at recognizing his limits before he hits them. I don’t know what his future holds (nobody knows that about any child), but I’m not going to spend my time scared for him when I can be enjoying our life as a family instead., I'm right there in the trenches with you, and all I can say is I think it's all normal. I see it pop up on these boards over and over. It's human to want things to be different when you see your kid struggling and suddenly everything in your life has to take a backseat to getting your kid the services they need in a health care system that is frankly deliberately obstructive and evil in the banal sense. All I've really learned so early in the process is that guilt for your feelings helps nothing. You're gonna feel how you're gonna feel. You're going to have days where it doesn't seem so bad and your child is perfect and the world is magical and you're going to have days where everything is hard and you wish it was different. And you're going to have to live with a lot of uncertainty probably forever. So honor these feelings and let them be whatever they are, and get used to them because they will come and go and come again. In the Buddhist tradition there is an expression "inviting Mara to tea" which is basically accepting your demons and letting them hang out whenever they appear rather than resisting them. Oh if only I was a master at following my own advice! We'll get there., Nothing wrong with wanting a cure. I know it’s unpopular to voice but who would want their child to struggle. I understand exactly how you feel. That’s never going to happen though and we just have to keep pushing. She’s the same child she was before the diagnosis 💗 it didn’t change her. Be prepared for the whirlwind of emotions. The grieving gets better you start to accept it but almost 6 years in and some things still break my heart but I no longer cry everyday and think about the future. I just live for the now. Also levels at that age can change! A lot of children severely on spectrum at 3 turn out to be a mild case a 6. That wasn’t our reality but I have seen it in a lot of kids on here and in real life., My son sounds similar to your child so here is what we have learned: My son is on his own time. He will talk when he decides to. He didn’t talk (like a toddler would) until 3+ but could recite his numbers to 100, his ABC’s and at now 4 is reading. His communication has come a long way but still has far to go. If you are able, go watch the Bluey episode called “Baby Race”. Your child will be who she winds up being. Celebrate every milestone and remember it’s okay to cry and be frustrated/mad/sad at what you’ve been handed. You will have to be the quiet place for her in the storm of life and the storm in her mind. You’re not alone in this. Use any and all resources available (others have posted excellent advice on these) and (((hugs))), Well, your child doesn’t have a disease that could end their life. They have an atypical brain type. You sound like I was before my son was diagnosed- totally misinformed about autism so you are scared. It’s still something you need to process, but honestly, your child hasn’t changed at all. They are at an age when therapy will be most effective. Take your time to process what you need, but please, read up and move on. You can totally handle this and your child will live a happy and full life., I am still waiting for my niblings to be referred (I see it, but can't get the ball rolling). They both have echolalia. I'm trying to teach as many scripts as I can, and trying to connect with them and meet them where they are at. There is a book titled Uniquely Human that I found to be a fantastic resource. Also I really enjoy watching Autism Family on youtube. It is OK to grieve. I'm convinced that at some point all parents have to process than their children are different than what was expected. Focus on your child's successes, no matter how small., Its really hard but it will get better. Your daughter will improve too. Read the report once and then put it away a dont look at it again. It gives a snapshot of where she is right now but not where she will be two years from now., We're two years into our sons diagnosis (he's 4 now) and like you, I already knew but cried for days when we were officially told. What helped me was my mother telling me he is still the same sweet boy we love, but now we can get him some extra help. He's nonverbal but improving little by little and now we cry tears of joy when he does something new It's not easy.. we have bad days .. but we love him just the same Keep trucking on, and show as much love as you can.. they may not always show it but they know who loves them ❤️, It's going to be so much better than it is right now. Even if your girl doesnt progress with skills at all, you learn to adjust to her and your relationship can grow. Also, just saying, most autistic kids do progress with some skills on their own timeline. Your husband has his own journey and it's valid for him to feel grief as he processes. That said, I'm an optimist and an autist. I'm a math professor with a really happy life now and autism presented challenges that are consistently being overcame. Honestly, the research that's coming out and the supports that are coming into place for my daughter (also autistic) have helped her grow and progress so much more smoothly than I did. If you want to read a cool book with your daughter about autism, I really love "the girl who thought in pictures". It's lovely and my girl loves it. Hang in there., Sounds very similar to my child whe he got his diagnosis at 2.5. He is doing fantastic. His therapist has helped so much I can have conversations with him now (he'll be 4 next month). Everybody's experience is different, but yeah I was in your shoes when I first found out. His meltdowns are way less frequent and less severe, so it can get better. I will say just do everything you can foe her to give her the best shot you can at being independent later in life. I know people bash aba but it has really helped him, My mom was in the same place. She never talks about it, but my dad told me about is. The moment she knew she was so frustrated she threw away her book with “baby milestones”. It’s hard. It’s been a rough trip. But I promise you it’ll work out fine. If you love and support your kid they’ll be happy. My brother has grown up to be a sweet kind caring kid. He’s different, but I wouldn’t want him any other way. His pure oblivion to the world and all of its problems makes talking to him so special. He never has to deal with the stress and crisis of the world, so talking to him is such a nice escape. You’ll find the joys in it all. I promise. He’s 16 now. You’ll make it, and so will your kid too. ❤️❤️, Something our developmental pediatrician told us (my daughter was early DX a little over 2yrs and also as a lvl 3) was that younger toddlers AND such are often DXed more severe due to language but 1) there's a very good chance for them to make larger improvements vs kids who are older 2) that more severe DX will open more doors to services and therapy and move things being covered by insurance so in the long run it benefits the child even if they know it will likely need to be revaluated later., Just take it day by day! I’ve know for a year, and had the diagnosis for 6 months. I’m much better then I was 6 months ago. But that’s not to say the therapies I juggle for my child aren’t exhausted, and I wish it were replaced by soccer practice. The neuroplasticity of their brains to change from now until 5 is huge. So just do the work and it will get better! Don’t compare your child to a NT child! Find other moms in your boat in your community. Today, we’re so much more inclusive then ever before. All kids have their struggles and yours will be ok., At 3 my child was assessed as most severe - level 3 autistic with global developmental delay (he had the intelligence of a baby). He wouldn’t let me read books to him (he threw them away). He couldn’t ask for drinks or food and was barely pointing. At three he had only just started pointing. His diagnosis was the worst possible severity. His future was bleak. This was a kid who would spin in place or run in circles constantly. He would rock and groan and whine and was completely non-verbal. Over night there was a developmental change. Over a 72 hour period he became aggressive and was punching - me, his dad, the workers at day care. I ended up with a chipped front tooth and I thought that this was my life. My future was bleak and I absolutely hated my life. I hated everything about it. But... during this 72 hour period of aggression he started talking and has retained his language. He now tells us that he loves us. He says “hi” to people and waves, he plays with other children. He requests specific food items. He tells us if things are yucky or yummy. He can tell us if he is in pain. He points at things and has even asked “what’s that?” He regularly tells us “no” and to “stop it” when he is annoyed. He told the hairdresser “enough” and “stop it” when she was cutting his hair. Last night he couldn’t sleep and called out to me “where are you?” I know we have a long way to go. But he has the ability to talk. I suspect he has speech apraxia which is simply not being treated. He has had regression previously where he said a few words randomly and never repeated them again. But he has retained language this time. His receptive language has also improved greatly. I can tell him to fetch me things and he does it. He is walking on his tip toes less (watching him do that really really bothered me because you could tell he was autistic when he did that and I hated the reminder). I’ve had zero help or intervention with him and he’s making all of this progress on his own. What I have done is treated him as if he’s normal. If he hurts me I insist on him saying “sorry” and he does say sorry to me. He gets in trouble if he hurts other children. I don’t ever excuse him by saying “he’s autistic”. He’s made to apologise to the other child and I punish him by taking him away from the situationZ I had to insist on reading to him and I force read to him. It was the weirdest thing. I got quite loud and told him “you will learn to love this!!” He eventually did and was asking for books. Last night he requested a specific book and wanting me to keep reading other books after I finished. He is becoming interested in more things - but most of all he is becoming more interested in engaging. He’s interested in toys and in other kids. He’s interested in music (particularly EDM). He will sit and peruse the toy catalogue as if he’s reading the newspaper. Remember- this is a kid that rocked his body back and forth and has the intelligence of a 12 to 18 month old baby. I have been strict with him on some things and not at all on others. His sleep schedule is his own - I’ll let him sleep when he’s tired and I will stay up with him when he refuses to sleep (it’s not worth the fight - I’ve tried - it was traumatising). But he’s not allowed any rocking or any of the sensory seeking things he wants to do - such as pressing his head against me. I was told to encourage his sensory seeking and there’s absolutely no way in hell I will be doing that. His sensory seeking escalates to the point I get injured. His rocking starts small and ends with me getting headbutted. Other behaviours start small and end up with me having my personal space invaded. Basically, I’m treating him as if he’s normal and his autistic behaviours aren’t normal so he’s not allowed to do them and I am consistent with it and I’m having success. I have watched hours of YouTube footage and there’s no way in hell I’m spending thousands on orthotics and special shoes because he wants to walk on his tip toes. I tell him to stop every time I see him do it. I’m not spending more money on dentists or putting up with being hurt. He’s not allowed to do ANY sensory seeking that involves another person - because if he was normal I wouldn’t put up with that sort of behaviour. I give him love and so much attention but I’m raising him as if he’s normal. He doesn’t like having his hair cut so I make sure he gets it cut regularly so he’s desensitised to it. He has meltdowns in public so I make sure to take him out in public to get used to it. To clarify, the hairdressers is a special kids hairdresser who specialises in kids with sensory issues if you pay more money. I’m basically doing all this work to adapt my son to living in society and being as close to normal as he can be. It’s working. He hated reading and now he finds joy in it. Hated the shops and now likes getting out of the house and is excited if I tell him we are going to the shops. **My point is - your child is so young - she will have charges. She’s not developmentally delayed. It’s highly possible she will have a huge developmental change over night.**, You are going through the stages of grief. It will take some time to work through those stages. It is normal so let them work their way through. Take a deep breath and start finding a really good in home ABA program. Usually people get other crappy programs suggested to them -- DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. **Once again get a good in-home ABA program with a good BCBA program director**. Your child is showing a lot of intelligence and early intervention can do wonders. Your daughter will always be autistic, but she can learn to live a normal life (school, college, job, and such). But you and your husband will need to also learn the ABA techniques, set up schedules, keep pushing for age appropriate skills, and learn to watch for any signs of regression or triggers that can happen in times of stress. A good ABA program might take a little time to get. Be persistent, get on their waiting list, call them all the time. In the mean time you can also learn how to do some floortime and play therapy at home. Sing and read to her. Talk to her and play with her., My son was diagnosed 10 years ago, and I still have all the same worries you do now. Part of that is autism and part of that is my severe anxiety. Things will get likely get better, the more you figure out how to help her navigate the world. I’m finding teens to be rough though - again probably more a me thing., I’ve been where you are. It’s ok to mourn the future you envisioned for your child. Also remember that your child is still the same person today as they were yesterday, the difference is that you are armed with more data. More data mean more help. More help mean less trauma growing up. The deeper you get into this world, especially for a girl, I suspect you will find some parallels. I have a 12 year old boy with autism who is headed into 7th grade with in class support. He has a fantastic group of friends. He has been to a big water park without me (with friends) twice this summer. He struggles, but I’ve also been told by his teachers that they’re so impressed with him because he is obviously comfortable in his own skin. He knows what strategies he needs to use to help self regulate and is working on advocating for himself. He makes average grades with some accommodations and also struggles with writing, which is typical of an AU diagnosis. He is loving, kind and generous with his friends, but will also hold his ground and not go along with the crowd if he doesn’t agree with what they are doing. He knew letters/numbers/shapes and the names of tons of sky landers at almost 3. He taught himself to read small words and put his name on signs all over the Minecraft world his dad created when we didn’t even know he knew how to spell his name or sign into Minecraft. He didn’t get diagnosed until 9 because I didn’t catch it, his speech therapist did. Do you want to know why I didn’t catch it? Because he was a lot like me, except introverted and slower to process things. I have severe ADHD, but no diagnosis of AU. I beat myself up for awhile because early intervention is so important. I finally realized that all of the things we did for him before that to accommodate who he was were what we would have been told to do. It came naturally to me because I remember being that kid who hated constricting jeans, being told what to do without explaining it to me and being rushed. You’ll get there. Your child will get there. It will be ok, but it will be different than you thought it would be. It was going to be different anyway, but the divergence came a lot earlier than expected., I just wanted to give you some love. I have an amazing 15 month old who will be getting assessed soon, he is young but shows many signs of being ASD. Ive cried, spiraled, and gone down every rabbit hole i can trying to find some way that he COULD be neuro typical. i too have a brother on the spectrum and have seen moments of his life be hard... but he is 33 now a technical writer, lives by himself and is the most wonderful uncle to my babe. Stay strong mama, you got this. ❤️, I'm litterally there with you for my son age 4. Finally got a paediatric app on Tuesday via phone and she said asd spectrum but the f2f will show where on the spectrum. But I knew by the time he was two, due to lack of functional language and eye contact. He had regressed in language. He does numbers and letters atbhomw can write his name reads when he decides to talk etc. But he hardly uses spontaneous communication. Feeling all the same things as you. Hubby is better at this than me. I go from positive to what will his quality of life be. I have eaten properly all week, one meal per day if that. But it will be OK. You're are doing your best and you daughter sees that. My son is loved in abundance. He is joy to be around. My worry is ina school environment and new places its very much different and the world is a cruel place. But as long as we and his sisters are here he will be fine, and my hope for him and others his they find their place in this world. Sending hugs and positive thoughts 🤗 London UK, Hi, bit late but what you are going through is completely normal and I think something we all went through when our children were diagnosed or concerns were raised or when it finally hit that they are different and it won’t be a linear life like we expected or wished for them. For the 2 weeks after her diagnosis I cried everyday up to 8 times a day in my waking hours and I lost sleep and I didn’t eat and I lost 5kgs. However, in the 3rd week I cried less and by the 4th week I was researching everything about autism and how to support her. So what I mean is it will take time and you will grieve and that’s okay. It may even take you longer. Also wishing for a cure does not make you a bad parent. Autism is a disability and it would be odd to keep wishing a disability on your child. Yes it’s not as severe a disability as say someone that is bed ridden but nevertheless life, your child’s and yours, will be hard. I also wish there was a cure. Not because I don’t love my daughter dearly but because this world is tough enough for people that don’t have a disability and I don’t want her to fall behind in this rat race of life. Despite all the sadness, do know that your child will make progress. It won’t be linear, there will be regressions, there will be lags. It won’t be at the same level as her peers, it will be below in some cases or above in some cases but it will happen in its own time. Just an example yesterday was my daughters birthday and she turned 5. At 4 she wasn’t into anything much the cake, the decorations or anything but this year she knew to blow out her candle and she cut the cake and ate it too! Perhaps next year she will acknowledge the decor and maybe year after she will be happy to see the decorations and show it too and maybe the next year she will even ask what type of cake she would want. Or maybe it will happen in a few years but I know one day it will happen and at her own pace. Look into early intervention services and get her in them asap. Look into what you can do at home with her like esdm or table time or get this book called more than words by Sussman. It is basically a book on speech therapy and will help. Give her the support she needs and she will progress and please STOP thinking of the future. Nothing is guaranteed in life not for anyone whether they are autistic or not. You can step out of the house today and a multiple birds can shit on you multiple times…you just don’t know what future holds and I gave this light example but you know worse things can happen to anyone at any time. Likewise good things can also happen so just don’t think of it. Live in the now, plan for literally tomorrow and nothing further. Don’t compare her to her peers, this will only bring heartache. Best of luck with everything and we are all here if you ever want tips or need support or just want to rant., There are phases of accepting this. I kept feeling like there was something I did, something I ate while pregnant , something I gave him; I blamed myself. But when I knew there was special care based on science that I could get post-diagnosis ; I had hope. An early pre-school class wasn’t working out for him anyways. Each child on the spectrum is different; but early intervention is key. My son performed terribly on the ADOS he did all the puzzles and was doing great but then began throwing things at the doctor. He also couldn’t get over the fact that there was a table full of toys that she was pulling from for the different activities; he wanted to pick what was next and play freely. He didn’t perform as well due to behavioral issues. He’s also 3. Bottom line: The ADOS isn’t everything ( my son barely participated though he was capable of doing everything they asked and the doctor could see that — I don’t even know how they scored him) ; you know your child’s capabilities. Be positive. Get a therapist and a good ABA center. She’ll develop at her own pace and it’ll be beautiful. I was also told level 3 (and he would need lifelong support) but when I see so many things he does at home or when he’s in a naturalistic environment I know that’s not true. When I see his progress after receiving treatment for 4 months - I see he was just in the wrong environment. Autism may be life long for some but that score was just a snapshot at that time; he’s growing and improving everyday. Years two to three years versus since he turned 3 has been amazing. He’s doing things I never thought he would and surprising everyone., Your reaction to what you are going thru is normal. The things to remember are that you are your child’s best advocate and teacher. Research and learn about interventions that may help. Some may work and some may not. Often kids get diagnosed but you also need a plan. Many universities have departments that research autism. Find out what they recommend and do your own research. There is hope. When my son was diagnosed at 3 by our health insurance, we were told that someday we would medicate him and he go to a special school. He was 3! How the heck did this doctor know that? My son is now in in college and will graduate next year. Reach out to support groups in your area and online. Take one day at time and know that there plenty of us parents that understand., Catastrophizing is one of my biggest issues. But I can’t just stop. It’s all part of the anxiety spiral that I’m working on in therapy. I tend to seek out online communities (for lots of things) to hear from people actually dealing with whatever. But there are so many horror stories about autistic kids as they get older, it’s making me crazy., Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and for the link. I really appreciate it . I am working on being ok with this ., That is such a beautiful way of looking at it . My husband I think wants to break down, but he won't. He keeps it all inside so he won't talk about it . I wish he would but I am trying to give him some space right now., Thank you so much. 💓 I care and support you as well. I hope I can return the favor to this group one day ., Parent of 9 year old mostly non-verbal girl. She's still progressing, more and more words, more comprehension of our words, more nuanced and sophisticated interactions with objects and people, breakthroughs in potty training even as late as last year. She sees cats and animals as annoying objects though haha,. Anyway just sharing that we're still on an upward trajectory. ☺️, Thank you. I do love her so much and want the best for her ., I have turned into the Pollyanna. I cried and cried , then pulled up my proverbial boot straps and was like "Everything is going to be fine!" . I have since crashed and burned ..., You and I have similar experiences. My LO is starting first this year as well. OP, everyone's path is a little different. Your little one has a neurotype that diverges from the typical. The best advice I can give, is to educate yourself and continue to reach out for support within the community., Thank you . My husband right now is more doom and gloom than me. I definitely have had my moments this week, but I am trying to move forward. Before diagnosis , I tell my daughter every night that I don't care what she does , as long as she is happy. And that she is magical . I truly just want her to be happy and grow in life. It may just look different now ., Thats the hard part isn't always? Following your own advice . What a profound saying. I will look it up. Thank you ., I wanted to add yes I absolutely hate out health care system and government even more so right now. I thought I might be able to get some help and that was quite naive of me . My case worker said get SSI but we make too much on paper we won't qualify . Inflation is killing us, and we do make good money but feel like we are almost paycheck to paycheck as is. Its insane. I want to change the laws so bad . I truly feel powerless when it comes to that stuff., Yay bluey!! Couldn’t agree more, This is not true for parents of kids with severe asd., Thank you . I have worked with children with AU. I guess it's different or I feel different since it is my child. Thank you for understanding., Thank you for the resource! I have been googling books like crazy . I dont want to get the wrong ones . I hope yours will be tested soon . My daughter has echolalia too., Thank you so much . I appreciate your sound and solid advice . It is like grieving you are so right., My brother has AU. He will be 17 soon. It was very rough for my parents during his teen years. They are still going through it. I wish you the best. Thank you for your kind words. I also have extreme anxiety and it does not help. However , I will say with my brother, if my parents had been more prepared or more proactive , my brother would not have had so much trouble. They ignored a lot of things and I am sure you won't do that ., Thank you so much for replying and your kind words . I have been worried because she was labeled "severe" ., **More Than Words A Guide to Helping Parents Promote Communication and Social Skills in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder** by Fern Sussman >Step by step guide for parents of preschool children with autism spectrum disorder and other social communication difficulties. *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information (see other* [commands](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/13z7slk/bookfinderbot_commands/) *and find me as a browser extension on* [safari](https://apps.apple.com/app/id6450462955), [chrome](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/book-finder/jajeidpjifdpppjofijoffbcndlpoedd?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=social_media&utm_campaign=comments)*). Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/14br65o/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*, Do remember that people who's autistic kids turned out fine don't don't go post about it on forums. They're just out enjoying life. So there will always be some amount of echo chamber gloom and doom in support groups., I have bad anxiety and diagnosed PTSD so I have a lot of stored trauma. I do the exact same thing . This is why I reached out for just an ounce of comfort or to relate to someone else ., We have all been there. It’s not easy. It’s very hard, and it will always have its challenges. It’s ok to grieve the child you thought you would have, or the life you pictured. It’s a step in the direction of acceptance and healing. As long as you start early intervention with services and therapy, you will have a much better grasp on how to face any upcoming challenges as he gets older. I worry all the time about whether or not my son will be happy, if he will ever talk, if he will get made fun of. He is technically “severe” but he’s not even 3. As cheesy as it sounds, I try to just focus on the fact that he will be happy, he will learn to communicate, and everyone gets made fun of st some point., Do you have time for a movie night with your husband? [HBO made a movie about Temple Grandin's life](https://www.hbo.com/movies/temple-grandin). As for fiction, I really appreciate the representation in [The Good Doctor](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6470478/) and [Extraordinary Attorney Woo](https://www.netflix.com/title/81518991)., Just being open and honest about your feelings is s massive favor to this sub. I guarentee you that there is someone else out there feeling the way you are and by reading your honest post they now feel that they are not alone in this situation. Sending love and light as you navigate your way through this journey., I have an 8 year old and it’s amazed me how much progress he has made since 6 years old. He’s still the same sweet kid, but I wouldn’t have imagined some of the things he’s been capable of lately., That is wonderful news and progress!, I knew our health care system was bad, but I had no idea how bad until my son needed services. We pay our insurance company over a thousand dollars a month, plus a $7,000 family deductible, just to be told our child with a disability is not eligible for services without jumping through a million ridiculous hoops? Are you kidding me? Do these people honestly think there are parents lining up at the door to get their kids unnecessary therapy services? Even with insurance coverage, it's still more expensive than daycare! Why all the gatekeeping? My husband fortunately is an insurance company warrior, he has extensive experience dealing with insurance and he's been working on this doggedly and we are making slow progress. But I am mad about it., I second this. The loudest voices in the room are always the ones heard, but that doesn’t make them the only voices., Yes, I do try to remind myself of that. People are usually posting about problems. I do greatly appreciate the people who share their wins as well., Yes my child is 3 and hes doing fine, even starting prek this year. I don't post here often because honestly it makes autism seem like a death sentence and rubs me wrong., This, exactly! I mostly lurk and don't post much. I always feel self-conscious about posting our experiences (which are primarily positive and optimistic) because I don't want to make other parents feel worse about their situation. Most autistic adults I know are well employed as software engineers (though that's a biased sample because I work in tech) or research scientists (which I used to be). When my kid was first diagnosed, I found it useful to join our workplace ERG's for neurodiverse adults. I also found it helpful to go out of my way to help mentor interns who are on the spectrum, who told me about how they were on an IEP as a kid and behind in school in some areas but ahead in others, and when their parents figured out they were very interested in math, fed that special interest as best they could. Our firstborn is level 2, no 'challenging behaviors.' We figured out he had a speech delay at 18 months, and our speech therapist had us start a combination of sign language and pointing to printed out picture cards because his receptive language is great. Fast forward to now, age 4. His therapist is optimistic from his progress that he'll be on track to start gen ed kindergarten at age 5. He knows all letters, the sounds they make, all the planets, and has a great relationship with his baby sister. He goes to a therapy center that is basically like a school and does a lot of play-based teaching, and he has several friends there (including a best friend) who are all doing really well. Of course I have some anxiety about his future, and whether people will under-estimate his potential, but he has all of us in his corner and that's what matters., I eventually think this may help. But it's only been 3 days and he says he feels like a shell of himself . We aren't on the same page rn at all and I feel very distant from him. I am trying to give him space. I need support too though and hopefully things will even out., As you should be mad! Not only is it disgusting but ridiculous . I am so sorry . I hope it all works out . We do not qualify for SSI and I highly doubt we would qualify for medicaid . In a perfect world, I would want all autism families to receive services and care , regardless of financials. You would think the government would take care of the people. I know this is a naive sentiment., I’m glad someone else sees it that way. This post in general just made me so sad. Husband won’t eat, both parents won’t stop crying… their child is still alive, yes?? Not trying to shame them or anything, I know the diagnosis can be hard for some. But it did rub me the wrong way. My son is one of the more successful autism stories, but another reason I don’t post about it much is because I feel guilty. I once commented that I didn’t view my sons autism as a disability, and just viewed it as his personality, and I was shamed for that because “autism is a disability and it’s not that easy for everyone”… so yeah. Don’t always feel welcome here because my sons not “autistic enough” 🤷🏻‍♀️, You should talk about your experiences absolutely. It would give people hope ., I'm a dad who went through a very dark time when our daughter was diagnosed. Lots of self pity, shame, regret. It was the worst when I was alone thinking about the diagnosis and despairing the life I was now stuck in. But when I was with my daughter, she was still the same happy kid and that made me happy. I know what you mean by giving him space. But think about giving him reasons to spend time with your daughter. She's not a diagnosis. She's a person with strengths and challenges. He needs to learn the diagnosis doesn't change her. It just opens doors to help her with her challenges. Take it day by day and try to be kind to yourselves and each other., I remember that. At least coming from me, this community could use more voices like yours., I'm sorry my post made you feel that way . It was only 72 hours after diagnosis and my feelings were very raw. They are also valid . As is my husband's. I was a preschool teacher for 5 years. I worked with autistic children . I wrote IEPs. I know it isn't a "death sentence" the way my husband acted did bother me some but I have to give him space. I am not ashamed of my daughter. She is beautiful inside and out and I know we will be ok. I made this post impulsively because I had nobody else to talk to and felt helpless . ETA : I know there are successful autistic children. But some struggle. I want my daughter to be a success . I also have a teenage brother with autism and adhd. He is very intelligent and is in the general education classes. However he stil struggled immensely and ei won't go into details but it was so bad he had to he sent to behavior school and is now thriving. You never know what the future holds ., I'm fortunate to know many successful adults who are on the spectrum, and of course my sample is biased because I have met all of them through work in tech and in science. And it helps to remember that your kid is the same kid before and after the diagnosis. And a lot of kids are diagnosed these days who would not have been diagnosed 20-50 years ago, when Temple Grandin was diagnosed. Her father wanted to institutionalize her because that's what the experts at the time advised. Her mother didn't want to give up on her and spent a disproportionate amount of time on her (possibly at the cost of spending time on her other children). As a result of that parenting, today, Temple Grandin is a professor of animal science at Colorado State University, and most of the livestock handling facilities used in industry today are based on her designs. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple\_Grandin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_Grandin) This book of hers was something I found really helpful for my mental health after my son's diagnosis: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The\_Autistic\_Brain](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Autistic_Brain) Ironically, when I was pregnant with my son, I was about halfway through reading [NeuroTribes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NeuroTribes) (I had started it because I've always had a lurking suspicion that I'm on the spectrum myself), and it wasn't until after his diagnosis that I went back and finished it., I think he is starting to see that. Thank you for your honesty. I said she is still our sweet happy girl, she may just face different challenges . Things are slowly but surely getting better . I am getting the ball rolling on services so I feel better as well., Thank you ❤️, You don’t need to apologize to me for your feelings and I never said they weren’t valid. I understand the initial shock of the diagnosis, but I encourage you to learn how to love your child the way they are instead of loving the idea of what they could be. That helped me a lot in the beginning. I spent a lot of time trying to change my son, and once I learned to accept him for him, I felt more at peace than ever. My son wasn’t always successful. It was a huge struggle when he was first diagnosed while we were waiting for therapy to kick in. He was very aggressive for the first couple of years. He wasn’t even potty trained until he was 5. He was kicked out of 3 different daycares. And I was a single mom at the time. He goes to a full time ABA school now and has been for almost 2 years, and that school alone has been the biggest reason FOR his success. I didn’t do that on my own, or even at all really. Without the right resources for him, our situation would be much different. So yeah, I don’t know what the future holds. But I was never going to make my son feel like he was different, or loved any less, and I wasn’t going to give up on him or give him a lesser life just because it was difficult. I went through a lot of stress getting him the services he has now and it was all well worth it for him to be happy and thriving., I won't give up on my child. I was just in shock. Every day it gets better . She is unique and has a beautiful spirit. I don't want her to change . I want to work on her emotional dysregulation and speech so she can thrive. I do not want to change the core of who she is. I will be proud of her no matter what. I am glad your child is doing well .That is all you can hope for. I have always been an ally and an advocate for children with autism . I will continue to do so., I wasn’t trying to say you were giving up on your child, just kinda speaking in general terms. Your daughter is lucky to have you and the fact that she is loved and happy is all that really matters 💜, Thank you . I appreciate your perspective. Your child is lucky to have you as well. 💕

I am the only one who sees autism?

Our daughter (2,5yo) is recently observed for 4 (!!) hours in day care and she is multiple times observed at home. Both times by experienced child care experts (do not know the English term). They do not see anything that alarms them. On the one side thats great, on the other side its frustrating because I do see signs. What do I do? Should I let go, wait and see or push for help? I feel like a crazy person and there are no big problems in our life > sleeping, eating, talking all fine. No meltdowns yet, can take her anywhere.

If you don't mind me asking, what signs do you see that make you worried? I will tell you that for the last year, all of the concerns I have had for my son were always down played by our pediatrician, family, and friends. Not until I had the speech therapist write a report of all of the same things I have been worried about for the last year did pediatrician really realize "oh maybe something is really wrong" and gave us a referral for testing., I’m gonna say this as nicely as I can. If you are the only one seeing signs, then there probably are no signs., What signs are you seeing? Does your country use the DSM, the ICD, or a different standard to define autism?, Are there any roadblocks in her development? If she is able to achieve most of the things other kids at her own age can, I wouldn't worry too much. Perhaps, she has some traits that could be linked to autism, but hers might not require extra care (yet). What I would do if I were you is to keep a close eye on her behavior every now and then, and after seeing that she hits a significant roadblock several times, then I would get her tested. For now, please don't share this with any other of her caretakers as they might start getting concerned about you rather than your daughter (I don't mean to offend you, but it's better to leave it at this level for now)., I have a list but it comes down to - fleeting eye contact; - some repetative behavior in speech and play; - cannot really play together with me like throwing/rolling a ball back and forth; - gestures/facial expressions come and go (except for pointing and her shaking head). She did a suprised face a few months ago but will/can not do it now; - She will do a thing one time and then never again for a long time. For example, she will built a really nice house with duplo but then refuses to built anything again. I know she probably can ride a tricycle but wont do it. Good speech, she does share het interest a lot, loves reading books together, a lot of pretend play (although a bit repetative) but she does involve us., Thank you for sharing your experiences! I have listed the signs I see in another reply., Thank you! I keep this in mind., DSM is the standard, Thank you! She does not seem to have big problems, she moves a little odd compared to peers (not very flexible and not ve er good at climbing) but eventually she can do everything in time. Thank you for your honest advice!, She may be like me, as a kid. I used to have some repetitive behaviors and was nervous with strangers. Adding to that, I wasn't amazing at paying attention and following instructions. As a growing kid I had a load of friends and socialized without problems. Through years of experience with my difficulties it is no doubt that I am ADHD inattentive coupled with OCD., Always a pleasure to help! One thing though: masking is something girls do way better than boys, so you might notice later on that she is able to socialize as expected. Pay attention to how she feels after social encounters like parties or play dates and see if you can find signs of exhaustion or uneasiness. That might be a lead to what you suspect is happening. For now, she is also too young to show clear signs of autism, so just keep an eye on her for a little longer., If you don't mind me asking, what signs do you see that make you worried? I will tell you that for the last year, all of the concerns I have had for my son were always down played by our pediatrician, family, and friends. Not until I had the speech therapist write a report of all of the same things I have been worried about for the last year did pediatrician really realize "oh maybe something is really wrong" and gave us a referral for testing., I’m gonna say this as nicely as I can. If you are the only one seeing signs, then there probably are no signs., What signs are you seeing? Does your country use the DSM, the ICD, or a different standard to define autism?, Are there any roadblocks in her development? If she is able to achieve most of the things other kids at her own age can, I wouldn't worry too much. Perhaps, she has some traits that could be linked to autism, but hers might not require extra care (yet). What I would do if I were you is to keep a close eye on her behavior every now and then, and after seeing that she hits a significant roadblock several times, then I would get her tested. For now, please don't share this with any other of her caretakers as they might start getting concerned about you rather than your daughter (I don't mean to offend you, but it's better to leave it at this level for now)., I have a list but it comes down to - fleeting eye contact; - some repetative behavior in speech and play; - cannot really play together with me like throwing/rolling a ball back and forth; - gestures/facial expressions come and go (except for pointing and her shaking head). She did a suprised face a few months ago but will/can not do it now; - She will do a thing one time and then never again for a long time. For example, she will built a really nice house with duplo but then refuses to built anything again. I know she probably can ride a tricycle but wont do it. Good speech, she does share het interest a lot, loves reading books together, a lot of pretend play (although a bit repetative) but she does involve us., Thank you for sharing your experiences! I have listed the signs I see in another reply., Thank you! I keep this in mind., DSM is the standard, Thank you! She does not seem to have big problems, she moves a little odd compared to peers (not very flexible and not ve er good at climbing) but eventually she can do everything in time. Thank you for your honest advice!, She may be like me, as a kid. I used to have some repetitive behaviors and was nervous with strangers. Adding to that, I wasn't amazing at paying attention and following instructions. As a growing kid I had a load of friends and socialized without problems. Through years of experience with my difficulties it is no doubt that I am ADHD inattentive coupled with OCD., Always a pleasure to help! One thing though: masking is something girls do way better than boys, so you might notice later on that she is able to socialize as expected. Pay attention to how she feels after social encounters like parties or play dates and see if you can find signs of exhaustion or uneasiness. That might be a lead to what you suspect is happening. For now, she is also too young to show clear signs of autism, so just keep an eye on her for a little longer., If you don't mind me asking, what signs do you see that make you worried? I will tell you that for the last year, all of the concerns I have had for my son were always down played by our pediatrician, family, and friends. Not until I had the speech therapist write a report of all of the same things I have been worried about for the last year did pediatrician really realize "oh maybe something is really wrong" and gave us a referral for testing., I’m gonna say this as nicely as I can. If you are the only one seeing signs, then there probably are no signs., What signs are you seeing? Does your country use the DSM, the ICD, or a different standard to define autism?, Are there any roadblocks in her development? If she is able to achieve most of the things other kids at her own age can, I wouldn't worry too much. Perhaps, she has some traits that could be linked to autism, but hers might not require extra care (yet). What I would do if I were you is to keep a close eye on her behavior every now and then, and after seeing that she hits a significant roadblock several times, then I would get her tested. For now, please don't share this with any other of her caretakers as they might start getting concerned about you rather than your daughter (I don't mean to offend you, but it's better to leave it at this level for now)., I have a list but it comes down to - fleeting eye contact; - some repetative behavior in speech and play; - cannot really play together with me like throwing/rolling a ball back and forth; - gestures/facial expressions come and go (except for pointing and her shaking head). She did a suprised face a few months ago but will/can not do it now; - She will do a thing one time and then never again for a long time. For example, she will built a really nice house with duplo but then refuses to built anything again. I know she probably can ride a tricycle but wont do it. Good speech, she does share het interest a lot, loves reading books together, a lot of pretend play (although a bit repetative) but she does involve us., Thank you for sharing your experiences! I have listed the signs I see in another reply., Thank you! I keep this in mind., DSM is the standard, Thank you! She does not seem to have big problems, she moves a little odd compared to peers (not very flexible and not ve er good at climbing) but eventually she can do everything in time. Thank you for your honest advice!, She may be like me, as a kid. I used to have some repetitive behaviors and was nervous with strangers. Adding to that, I wasn't amazing at paying attention and following instructions. As a growing kid I had a load of friends and socialized without problems. Through years of experience with my difficulties it is no doubt that I am ADHD inattentive coupled with OCD., Always a pleasure to help! One thing though: masking is something girls do way better than boys, so you might notice later on that she is able to socialize as expected. Pay attention to how she feels after social encounters like parties or play dates and see if you can find signs of exhaustion or uneasiness. That might be a lead to what you suspect is happening. For now, she is also too young to show clear signs of autism, so just keep an eye on her for a little longer., If you don't mind me asking, what signs do you see that make you worried? I will tell you that for the last year, all of the concerns I have had for my son were always down played by our pediatrician, family, and friends. Not until I had the speech therapist write a report of all of the same things I have been worried about for the last year did pediatrician really realize "oh maybe something is really wrong" and gave us a referral for testing., I’m gonna say this as nicely as I can. If you are the only one seeing signs, then there probably are no signs., What signs are you seeing? Does your country use the DSM, the ICD, or a different standard to define autism?, Are there any roadblocks in her development? If she is able to achieve most of the things other kids at her own age can, I wouldn't worry too much. Perhaps, she has some traits that could be linked to autism, but hers might not require extra care (yet). What I would do if I were you is to keep a close eye on her behavior every now and then, and after seeing that she hits a significant roadblock several times, then I would get her tested. For now, please don't share this with any other of her caretakers as they might start getting concerned about you rather than your daughter (I don't mean to offend you, but it's better to leave it at this level for now)., I have a list but it comes down to - fleeting eye contact; - some repetative behavior in speech and play; - cannot really play together with me like throwing/rolling a ball back and forth; - gestures/facial expressions come and go (except for pointing and her shaking head). She did a suprised face a few months ago but will/can not do it now; - She will do a thing one time and then never again for a long time. For example, she will built a really nice house with duplo but then refuses to built anything again. I know she probably can ride a tricycle but wont do it. Good speech, she does share het interest a lot, loves reading books together, a lot of pretend play (although a bit repetative) but she does involve us., Thank you for sharing your experiences! I have listed the signs I see in another reply., Thank you! I keep this in mind., DSM is the standard, Thank you! She does not seem to have big problems, she moves a little odd compared to peers (not very flexible and not ve er good at climbing) but eventually she can do everything in time. Thank you for your honest advice!, She may be like me, as a kid. I used to have some repetitive behaviors and was nervous with strangers. Adding to that, I wasn't amazing at paying attention and following instructions. As a growing kid I had a load of friends and socialized without problems. Through years of experience with my difficulties it is no doubt that I am ADHD inattentive coupled with OCD., Always a pleasure to help! One thing though: masking is something girls do way better than boys, so you might notice later on that she is able to socialize as expected. Pay attention to how she feels after social encounters like parties or play dates and see if you can find signs of exhaustion or uneasiness. That might be a lead to what you suspect is happening. For now, she is also too young to show clear signs of autism, so just keep an eye on her for a little longer.

I don't think my child is autistic

Hi folks. I really need some help/advice. I'll try to be as quick as I can. I'm seperated from my partner and without going in to detail she is not a very nice person, she lies consistently and we don't have any proper communication at all apart from times and arrangements to pick up/drop off kids. Talking to her is not an option. Anyway, my 8yr old daughter is apparently autistic according to her mother. She was diagnosed apparently. My daughter is a sensitive child and this is really affecting her in school because all the kids know she's autistic and always reference it but she's not in the autistic class. She feels she's being treated differently and she is always asking if certain things are because she's autistic. She basically questions most things she does or thinks about. If you were to ask me, I would say she is not autistic at all. She was assessed in school recently and the principal told me there were no problems (I'm to follow up later) but not sure exactly what she meant. Just to note, I have a younger daughter who is on the spectrum. She's 6 and her verbal communication is not as it should be. She finds certain sounds irritating. Likes to have somewhat of a routine etc. But I have no access at all of any developments, diagnosis or tools to help her because her mother handles everything, keeps as much as possible away from me and then of course I can't believe anything she says either. My 6yr old does very well when she's with me as I've learned myself how to respond and manage her but I've no info at all of her diagnosis or any exercises to help me help her. Anyway, getting back to my 8yr old. Is there any way I can find out if she has actually been diagnosed as autistic? What assessments do they do to figure this out? Do you get the assessment in writing? I'll be straight up, I don't believe my ex when she told my daughter she's autistic (which she was really upset over) and I'm presuming the school she's in took her word. If I'm right, my partner know damn well she's not autistic but this is just the way she is. The other thing is that my ex has also tried to diagnose my other kids with ADHD and learning difficulties (I have 5 kids). There is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with my older kids and I'm 99% certain there is nothing 'wrong' (for lack of a better word) with my 8yr old. My 8yr old believes that she has something 'wrong' and she is really confused and upset over it. How do I go about proving that my child is not on the spectrum? In turn, I want answers from my ex as to why she did this, although I have my suspicions. Any and all advice or help with this would be very much appreciated. I'm in Ireland if that make a difference to what way it works in different countries. TIA

If there was an assessment there should be a written report. It will describe the diagnosis and also a full assessment of her history since birth and the psychologist’s suggestions for steps moving forward. Usually, they want to hear from both parents, so if you weren’t asked to weigh in then that is a bit suspect. It doesn’t mean that the assessment didn’t happen, but it could be a small red flag. Autism is a huge spectrum, so I am not sure what you mean by her not being a “problem” and there being nothing “wrong.” It is possible you are totally right. It is also possible that your understanding of autism is limited to your 6 year old who might present in a different way. Your eight year old might be better at masking or have different challenges and abilities. Being autistic doesn’t necessarily mean you have trouble speaking or sound sensitivity. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. For example, the character Hermione from Harry Potter is a good example of someone who could possibly be autistic (I am not diagnosing this fictional character, it’s just an example) but on the outside people just think she is a smart girl with social awkwardness. If she has an IEP at the school, then the teacher and counselor will have had a few meetings about it with her mother. I would imagine you have a legal right to know. I involved my ex in our son’s assessments, so I don’t know the process of keeping a parent out of the process. ETA: I live in the US, so our assessment procedures might be different!, ask her doctors for your child’s medical documents. you are legally her guardian so you have rights to this information automatically, What is your custody arrangement? Do you have joint legal rights for medical decision making? If so, you should be entitled to see any diagnostic paperwork. If she’s been formally assessed there will be a written report. If your ex is refusing give you the report or give you the name of the doctor who performed the evaluation you may have to take her to court (or mediation, I don’t know the process for disputes in the Irish family law system.), Mo chara if you're in Ireland and are the child's guardian and they are under 16, you have a legal right to see their medical records. Also a diagnosis here must be completed by a professional, for it to be recognised by the state and that means a registered psychologist and it needs to be a Multidisciplinary assessment. During taht assessment the Psychologist should interview the child's parents and then observe the child at a separate session. If the other half is keeping shit from you and refusing to provide information there's only one option and that to contact a solicitor..why? Well if a child has autism then they are entitled to a medical card for starters. They can also get free pickups for school. Parents or gyardians are entitled to domiciliary carers allowance until that child turns 16. You have to be the full time carer of that child to get it, that amounts to 330 a month plus an annual lump.of 180p. On top of that, you can get occupational therapy, speach and language therapy and physio therapy if recommended paid for by the state..it'll be the minimal available but better than paying it all yourself. Finally there's an incapacitated child tax credit available of about 1500 a year. There's other things like access to special needs classes if required and available in your area. Trust me, if your child is on the spectrum and has a diagnosis yiu need to follow up ASAP and get an Assessment of Need under the HSE started and also register with their local CDNT (children's disability network team) which is probably enable ireland. With a documented diagnosis yiu can also register with AsIAm teh autism charity and they give an ID card. That can be used in a nunber of places, not for discounts but maybe to join shorter lines atbthe likes of.dublin zoo, yiu can also use it to get an ID passing though Dublin Airpot to speed up yiur wait at security and immigration and the likes. Finally, while trying to find out if the ex is pulling a fast on consider resigning yourself to the fact it may be true. I have 2 kids, 1 I suspected was on teh spectrum and that was confirmed.. the other was "perfect' until 2 weeks later someone spotted something and I had him assessed. Now both are confirmed using a Multidisciplinary diag osis by a psychologist and occupational therapist..they're 2 years old. Feel free to drop me a PM, we only found out about our kids a few months ago and it's a kick in the balls. There's a lot of info out there about entitlements but as usual the HSE and Revenue won't tell you unless you ask and apply, If I were in your position, I'd ask who was the Dr. that diagnosed her. Going off of that, I'd request either an appointment to discuss the evaluation and diagnosis. You can also get a copy of the report. If the school psychologist did the diagnosis, I would call the school. This is where the US and Ireland may differ. I chose to have my son privately evaluated, but the local school system has a psychologist that would have been able to evaluate him. I brought the physical copy of his evaluation and diagnosis to his school along with emailed copies. With that, we were able to get him in a specialized pre-school that also had other classmates with autism. This also includes an IEP (individualized education program) that includes goals and how to realistically reach them. I read that you said that her mother doesn't involve you in medical decisions/information. That's when you will have to involve the legal system. I don't have a lot of experience with anything to do with that, so you may need to call around and see if solicitor/lawyer can give you a free consultation. I always say it's never a bad thing to get a second opinion. If you are able to, you may want to get her on a waitlist for an evaluation. I'm not saying she is autistic, but it is highly genetic and her little sister is also autistic. ADHD is also highly comorbid with autism. Just like you said, autism is a huge spectrum. If you've met one person with autism, you've only met one person with autism. Not everyone presents the same. My son is the only one in my family that is diagnosed. Since his diagnosis, I highly suspect I am as well, but that's another story for another time. Girls are often underdiagnosed because of a plethora of factors. I'd highly encourage you to seek a second opinion, even if just for peace of mind., If I were you, I would contact any providers she has and access records... I would also ask the school if they were given any records themselves. Whether or not she was assessed by the school, I would have her pediatrician sign a referral to have her seen by a specialist for diagnosis. Unfortunately, there have been many reports of women giving their children disability titles and self diagnosing, and i'm not sure why! Edit- Also, she has been in school for some years now right. And concerns of autism are only now starting to surface?, you can definitely get her medical records or if it was the school you can get those from them. i dont know where you are but in oregon my kids dad still has access to these things despite not having legal custody. i do want to say that autism looks very different and lots of kids who in mainstream classes are still on the spectrum. i hate that her diagnosis was made so public to her peers. kids should be able to disclose when they want to., Contact her Dr. if you can not access her medical records, you need to go to court. I don’t think schools just take a parents word, I would think she would have turned over the report of her diagnosis., Special Ed is integrated in most schools now, unless the child’s disability is severe enough that they can’t handle a typical class environment. My son is autistic without a doubt and is in a gen ed class with no para pro. He gets support from a speech pathologist and social worker, and occasionally from the special ed teacher assigned to his classroom. He has a high IQ and doesn’t need academic help. Don’t let the fact that she’s in a gen ed classroom rule out the possibility that she’s autistic., >Usually, they want to hear from both parents, so if you weren’t asked to weigh in then that is a bit suspect. My husband works crazy long hours. I'm the one who took my daughter to all her evaluations. They never asked for my husband's feedback. It was just me and the forms they got from her preschool teacher. That said, entirely agree with the rest (perhaps the mom is pushing something, but a lot of people brush off especially high-functioning girls because they are "stereotypically" autistic. It's possible there's no "problem" when it comes to her education (my friend's son was denied an IEP because they said he had a "medical disability (official ASD diagnosis) but not an educational disability (because he could keep up in class without help)") but her still be ASD., I'm going to do this, thanks. Just wasn't sure if they'd have records or not. Do you know by any chance if schools need to have these records too?, The other issue is, I have to find out who her doctor is. My ex tells me nothing at all. I'd prefer to do this without my exs knowledge tbh., Yeah, I have legal guardianship and am entitled to any medical stuff. I'm presuming I can just call up her GP and ask. I just wasn't sure if there would be records of assessments or not. Been in and out of court for 3yrs but I'll go back again if I have to., Thank you for this. It's very informative. My suspicion is that she is claiming that our 8yr old has autism specifically for the benefits. I understand that she may have autism but I just can't seem to figure out how and neither can my daughter. I've gone through all the signs very carefully and she's just not showing traits anywhere. TBH if she was assessed to be somewhere on the spectrum I would be a little irritated by it purely because I'm not a fan of nitpicking at the smallest of details. If they had all these assessments when I was a kid I guarantee they would have slapped a lot of labels on me and probably created some new ones. I was fidgety, didn't listen to authority (in school), would zone out when being spoken to, bursts of hyperactivity etc. I mean, the way it is now I'm noticing a lot of adults saying they never knew they had autism. My conclusion is that everyone could probably find themselves somewhere on the spectrum from particular personality traits. I dunno. I'm going to contact the school and get medical records as my other concern is if my 6yr old is getting the required assistance she may need and any information I can get to help her, although I know how to navigate her routine with ease to avoid any upset. It's just some minor things with patience and things that may frustrate her. She's a very happy child either way. Anyway, thanks again for your time in responding, it's very helpful., >I'm not saying she is autistic, but it is highly genetic and her little sister is also autistic. ADHD is also highly comorbid with autism. >Just like you said, autism is a huge spectrum. If you've met one person with autism, you've only met one person with autism. Not everyone presents the same. My son is the only one in my family that is diagnosed. Since his diagnosis, I highly suspect I am as well, but that's another story for another time. >Girls are often underdiagnosed because of a plethora of factors. Came here to say all of this as an AuDHD AFAB adult, and one of the factors for AFABs not being diagnosed is that they "seem like nothing is 'wrong' with them", as OP describes the 8yo daughter in question - we tend to mask a lot more than AMABs and neurodivergence also presents differently in AFABs as compared to AMABs, so it's quite possible that all of the kids are neurodivergent and OP just isn't picking up on it., I think that's what I'm going to do. Contact the school and ask if my ex gave any records in and also ask about their own evaluation. If there are no records then I'll go to the doctor and ask if she was diagnosed. My 8yr old is trying to figure this out herself and said she never spoke to anyone about it. I'm not sure how an evaluation unfolds. But she said she had only been to the doctor for he 'asthma' and check ups. I've never seen her out of breath once in all her 8yrs nor has she ever used her inhaler in my company. Hmmm, But that is because you are still married. When you are divorced and share custody, they either want to hear from the father or they need written permission from him to carry on without his input. I don't know the OP's custodial situation, though, so you may be correct they don't need his permission. Also, again, that was the process I went through. I am sure it varies from place to place., My sons like this , hes in normal classes. Also idk if all states are like mine, but as long as you are on the birth cert you can get info from her primary dr, who would have been the one to refer an evaluation. So just call up your daughters drs office and ask for information., does your child have any form of special education plan or any assistance from the school based off of autism diagnosis?, Not unless the mom asked for an IEP. The school does a separate diagnosis regardless of a private one., Ask your ex who evaluated your daughter. Call their office and see if they will provide you with your daughter's evaluation paperwork. If no, call your ex back and ask for it. No nonsense, no emotions, just straight to the point. If she refuses, call your divorce atty and have them send a demand letter., [deleted], Munchhausen by proxy would generally be ineffective for this, during diagnosis phase there is a parent survey, but then the medical professional observes and interacts with your child without you there(at least in the US) so that part of the test is independent of the parent. It sounds like your daughter may have high functioning autism. Try to be open minded rather than focusing on proving your ex wrong, focus on getting the records, and supporting your daughter reassuring her that wether or not she has autism she’s still perfect. I understand your daughter is upset, but try to pivot a bit. Hang in there., >not a fan of nitpicking at the smallest of details. Sometimes it's these small details that help identify people on the spectrum because they're so good at masking it. One of mine we wouldn't have guessed only someone pointed out their last of eye contact when playing with people. I've a work mate that's also on the spectrum, he's extremely high functioning. >specifically for the benefits She can't, to get DCA she need a Multidisciplinary assessment. That's then reviewed by the department of social protection and they reject 90% of first time applicants. Similarly teh Assessment of Need process takes a minimum of 6 months unless you can afford a private assessment and to be awarded after it the assessment either by the HSE or provantky needs to be completed. She may be saying the kid is in the hope she can get the assessment through the HSE. But yiu won't get a red cent til it's completed by a psychologist, it must be in a certain format and use certain checks and then it's reviewed by the HSE. >lot of adults saying they never knew they had autism Because we as a collective society didn't kneo that much about it. We do now..people say more people are dying of cancer than 30 years ago, thats not necessarily true we've just become better at diagnosing it. >contact the school and get medical records Yes, the school may have noticed behaviour and suggested an assessment Best of luck, >I've gone through all the signs very carefully and she's just not showing traits anywhere. Do keep in mind that it's only today that neurodivergence in AFABs is really being studied; up until recently neurodivergence was thought to only affect AMABs, so the traits you're looking for may not present in your daughter(s) because the scientific research to establish those traits as central to the diagnosis was mainly done on AMABs, and doesn't take into account how AFABs tend to be socialized or how neurodivergence actually presents in AFABs. >I was fidgety, didn't listen to authority (in school), would zone out when being spoken to, bursts of hyperactivity etc. Yep, as I thought - neurodivergence sounds genetic in your family. Welcome to the community! It's very common for it to be genetic, and there's research coming out as of late saying that it likely comes from the father's side in most cases where it's genetically linked. >My conclusion is that everyone could probably find themselves somewhere on the spectrum from particular personality traits. People may self-diagnose as they please (as someone myself who was self-diagnosed by force for over a decade with no support or medical attention due to my abusive and neglectful parents, and who lived without a diagnosis until 22); however, for it to be clinically diagnosable is a different story; for clinical diagnosis, it has to be disabling and pervasive. Now, it's possible to be diagnosed with SUBclinical neurodivergence as well, but this is generally not disabling and does not require medication or accomodations or social supports. Neurodivergence is not just a set of "personality traits"; it's a neurological issue (it's a neurodevelopmental disability and a medical issue) for which outside support to some degree is required. This "outside support" is already manifesting for your six year old in that you've had to establish certain routines and specific ways of managing her and interacting with her, and nothing else works. Labels exist for a reason; language is how we communicate our needs, and labels are part of communicating our needs and our limitations and for giving people around us a framework by which they can effectively interact with us and support us. This is especially critical for us as disabled people, as we are a particularly vulnerable population in many ways, and claiming that 'everyone is a bit on the spectrum' is harmful because it's simply not true and it minimizes the additional support needs and limitations which we endure, and minimizes our day-to-day struggles in a world which isn't welcoming or accepting or accessible to a LOT of disabled people., Yeah hun, that's super weird! Just remember, if you do find out that your child is healthy and these things are being created by the wife. It's called Munchausen syndrome, and it is indeed considered child abuse! Hell, maybe she needs an evaluation... Anywho if that doesn't reach you to a solution.. or if you find she IS LYING and continues to use this self diagnosis and confuse your daughter, it may be beneficial to just have her evaluated yourself through a doctor just to prove whether or not these assumptions are accurate. I wish you the best of luck 🙏🏻🫶, That may differ by state because i never needed permission., In Ireland it doesn't matter if you're on the birth cert, it entitles you to absolutely nothing. You need to be a guardian. You're legally a guardian if you live with the child(ren) for more than 6 months but I still had to fight it in court with my ex throwing in appeals too but it didn't work. But anyway, yeah now with guardianship I'm entitled to medical/school info, No, she is in the class with everyone else. There is an autism class but she's not in it. She's the only kid with autism (apparently,) that isn't in the autism class and her teacher made a big deal of it. Innocently of course but made a point to the class that my daughter has autism but will sit with everyone instead of the autism class. If she hadn't said anything the kids wouldn't know any different. I'm just so upset over this as my daughter is too. The only time I've spoken (email) to her teacher about it is when she updated me on an assessment that was for my 8yr and 6yr old. But she just said that she had no issues. I'm presuming she meant during the assessment or that she can remain in the regular class but I will get in touch again but wanted confirmation of any diagnosis before I do because if I find out there was never a diagnosis I'm going to go crazy and this would be something typical my ex would concoct. Also, I have to tiptoe around this stuff because my ex is volatile. My child herself is almost constantly trying to pinpoint the autism. Like if she understandably gets upset over something or feels silly not 'getting' what my older kids are talking about she asks - is that because I'm autistic, is this because I'm autistic., Does that mean that the school may not have asked for or been given a previous diagnosis?, Is this in Ireland by any chance?, Great, thanks! Again, I really appreciate your time with this. It's very helpful, >Sometimes it's these small details that help identify people on the spectrum because they're so good at masking it. Especially for AFABs - OP says he "doesn't see" traits in his daughter but she's likely masking quite heavily and also neurodivergence tends to present differently in AFABs as compared to AMABs, upon work with whom the diagnosis is largely based. >Because we as a collective society didn't kneo that much about it. We do now..people say more people are dying of cancer than 30 years ago, thats not necessarily true we've just become better at diagnosing it. Exactly. And getting better at diagnosis is a good thing because it means that more people who need support will be eligible to get it (you generally need a formal diagnosis to get social supports, meds, and work/school/living accomodations). And the more people have support they need, the less suffering there will be, and that's a good thing., It's a pretty big leap to go from a dad not knowing his daughter has asthma to the mom has munchausen by proxy and is abusive. Just because the dad has "gone through all the signs very carefully and she's just not showing traits anywhere." doesn't mean the mom is making it up! It's far more likely that dad isn't adept at recognizing symptoms in his child., That makes sense that it just varies by location., email the school and ask if there is any medical documentation of your child’s autism, and then request a copy of said documentation. if they say there is none and you can’t find any evidence of diagnosis i would consider looking into the possibility your ex has ‘factitious disorder imposed on another,’ formerly known as munchausens by proxy, Keep in mind people might be missing that you're in Ireland. Many will respond with how things work where THEY live. Here in the US they would be correct; the school doesn't care about the medical diagnosis they do their own assessment. In Ireland I have no idea., Im so sorry, i live in the states, i had no idea you were in Ireland., look at other replies from OP. the same mom convinced one of this guys son’s that he has a heart condition when said child never showed any signs of heart condition., I don't think you've read everything because I wasn't stating that due to him not knowing about the asthma. Please don't. It's all speculation we don't know the full story from either side, and I was speaking based off everything I read. No need to leap on and shut people down., Well, I'm familiar with Munchausens only because of my ex. That's just one of her issues. I have stories that would make your head spin. My poor son thought he had a heart condition when he was a kid because she constantly told him and he was afraid to exercise like a normal kid because he'd be conscious of his heart beating. He's over it now. That's just one story. Thanks. I will request the documentation. Don't know how I'm going to handle it if there's none, which I suspect there's not., if you suspect munchausens by proxy you likely need to contact authorities about it. that is legally considered child abuse. idk if ireland has mandated child abuse reporters, but if it does then you would be considered one, Ok thanks! It's just dawning on me the seriousness of the situation. I really appreciate all your time and info with this. I feel placed in the right direction and will act accordingly.

I don't understand

I don't know what's going on but my daughter seems really angry with me and I don't know why! It's the Easter holidays and we've (my partner and I and my mum) have taken my daughter out to lots of different places and booked her in with play days. We always have lots of cuddles and silly tickle games and we're always making her laugh and smile. But she seems angry with me the last couple of days and I don't know why! We never hit her or anything like that. We always make sure she has toys to play with, we're always here for her. But, all of a sudden, she seems to hate me and I don't know why! I'm heartbroken. She has very limited language so I can't ask her what's wrong. I don't know what I've done wrong 😔

She could be overstimulated because there's too much going on?, how sympathetic and experienced is your partner to her autism? If your partner is still adjusting it is possible they did something to unintentionally sour her mood when you weren't around., Thankfully, she seems happier today. This is the problem when it's so difficult to communicate, you have to guess what's going on., She could be overstimulated because there's too much going on?, how sympathetic and experienced is your partner to her autism? If your partner is still adjusting it is possible they did something to unintentionally sour her mood when you weren't around., Thankfully, she seems happier today. This is the problem when it's so difficult to communicate, you have to guess what's going on., She could be overstimulated because there's too much going on?, how sympathetic and experienced is your partner to her autism? If your partner is still adjusting it is possible they did something to unintentionally sour her mood when you weren't around., Thankfully, she seems happier today. This is the problem when it's so difficult to communicate, you have to guess what's going on., She could be overstimulated because there's too much going on?, how sympathetic and experienced is your partner to her autism? If your partner is still adjusting it is possible they did something to unintentionally sour her mood when you weren't around., Thankfully, she seems happier today. This is the problem when it's so difficult to communicate, you have to guess what's going on.

I don’t know what to do. I’m about ready to consider desperate measures because I can no longer cope.

My son is 17. Over 340 pounds. Unmanageable. We’ve tried to get him to eat better, work out. He had ABA therapy but it didn’t work out. He’s joined a gym but after swearing he’d go and a few times he doesn’t. We are on an extremely tight budget now and came up with the $750 for testing for neurofeedback treatment. I have younger kids and got icing and cake mix to make with them and found he ate the icing straight out of the container. I can’t afford to buy more. I just lost it and called him a fucking loser while he yelled at me to get out of his room. The other day he got in a fight with his brother and punched him so his brother called the cops, and he ran away with no shoes and disappeared from 6pm until we found him at 3am. I ended up at the hospital on a psyche hold because I was considering ending everything. I lost a day of work and I swear my husband was throwing a fit that this helps the finances so much that’s how much he cares about my mental health. I can’t do this. I want to run away from home and never come back or end it, I can’t live like this anymore. I really can’t today I don’t have the strength to get out of bed except to head to the bathroom and back. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Im so depressed and filled with the worst anxiety and I have to go to work tomorrow. I can’t do this shit.

I see you. I'm the father of 2 level 3 boys, and I can't tell you how many times I've found myself ugly crying on my closet floor. There's not much I can tell you, except his life will be immeasurably worse without you. It's the only solace I've found in this life. Hang in there; there will be some good days ahead. DM me if you want to talk, I’m not giving up. I pulled it together today. I had the most adult conversation I’ve ever had with him. He actually listened which is different than 80% of conversations I’ve had with him. I explained he needs to try. I told him and explained about all of the compassion I’ve showed him over the years. I told him that he’s 17 and while I can and will help him I can’t do it all he needs to try. And that I’m incapable of forcing him to do anything. I told him I respect him and we all need to at the very least have the following for one another: Respect Compassion Kindness Love I also told him I understand emotional eating and that I should not have yelled as I have done it. I explained I’m not perfect. I fucked up today, but to understand I yelled because I am worried about him getting diabetes, getting heart issues, etc. all because I love him. He actually interacted with me and showed he was listening. I told him he isn’t bad there is so much good in him, and said he is a teenager and that teens get into trouble sometimes but we need to work on it. I gave examples of dumb things I did and dumb things uncle Kevin did and his older brother and dad. Anyway it was a good talk for once and he actually gave me a hug which is huge as he hates hugs and rarely wants one. Maybe we are on the right track? I’ll also look into the therapy someone here said about the weight. Putting him in a home at this moment is not an Option However., Maybe it’s time to find him in a place for autistic adults? Someone mentioned autistic kids might qualify for Social Security and Medicare when they reach 18. Good luck. You’ve done your best and that’s all you can do., I freaked out today too. I have pmdd and especially towards my cycle start the swings are out of my control and I lose all coping skills. My sons 4, he’s younger but his behavior is unpredictable and he also feeds off my energy, I’m edgy so he’s destructive. Our toilet is clogged because he threw toys in it and so I emptied out the products and shelf to clean flood and placed them temporarily in hallway while waiting for the plumbers to come tomorrow. When making lunch he decides to squeeze every shower gel and shampoo into carpet. I have 25 cents to my name right now so no soap or shower gel for awhile… I freaking screamed so loud i hurt my voice and scared myself. And he was laughing. But I’m learning he is trying to communicate what he feels and he’s mirroring me in his way by feeling my pmdd edginess and quick temper constant mood fluctuations. Of course when I’m seeing red in this hormone rage I can’t be logical. I forced myself to meditate and i took all the holistic stuff that’s supposed to help my hormones but I don’t know if it works and anyway I feel ok now… I’m empathizing with you and venting at the same time but I just want to say above all else you need to take care of yourself when you can. Even if it means locking yourself in your room knowing you may step out to a mess, or missing work, just take that time and force yourself to do something that helps you regulate. Sometimes it’s a bath, sometimes it’s guided meditation sometimes it’s nothing at all but that’s your recovery time and it won’t help you if you feel guilty about taking that much needed time so allow it to help you recover even if it’s just a little recharge., Can I send you some $ to get the cake/icing?, I hope you’re feeling better now. I would suggest an OT to work on interoception. Physical feelings and emotional feelings can feel the same for an autistic person. My daughter gets confused with emotional feelings and hunger, so think she is always hungry., Maybe it's time to look into placement for your son. If you have a social worker through school or any of his programs, they are a good resource. If he qualifies for Medicaid and SSI at 18 their will be a case worker who can also assist. I'm sorry., He’s at the point of needing to go to a facility. They’ll restrict his access to junk food too, any attempts to help him lose weight should absolutely be done as a family thing. everyone picks up a healthier lifestyle, because making him be the only one having to change lifestyle habits when everyone can benefit from healthier lifestyles may actually discourage him from making any attempts at getting a healthier lifestyle due to feeling ostracized for this issue additionally you may want to look into therapy for eating disorders depending on his generla functioning level. this sounds like it could be a binge eating disorder. best of luck to you, I see a lot of people advising a facility, and I see your replies to that. Have you ever heard of Wraparound Services Programs? I would recommend searching that and the name of your city/county and seeing if there is anything available for your family. We are enrolled in one for one of my children, and it has been a good experience. The idea is to support the whole family and the household, helping them establish a stable environment for everyone. They help us identify needs within the family and make goals to meet those needs. We have a meeting every month and track her and our progress. We all get a peer support partner, which has been incredible. My child also gets mental health services through them. We have a care coordinator, main clinician, peer supports, and other clinicians who come in to provide specialty services we identify are needed. It’s a higher level of care than therapy, and it is designed to work with all family members to meet everyone’s needs for safety and health in the home. From what you have described, it sounds like this might be very helpful for your family. It’s a lot of work, because ultimately we are the ones making the changes at home, but the team helps and supports that process which is a wonderful service. We have been in our program for about 9 months now and it has turned our lives around. Best of luck to you, however you proceed!, I absolutely understand. Can’t you send your 17 year old to a group home?, Is the root cause known? Is the eating a form of stimming? If so, strengthening the jaw can help. Is it a different form of self soothing? Find a neuroaffirming therapist - DBT Or CBT may help. Does he known when he is truly hungry or thirsty? That could be an intereoception issue and an OT can help. It hasn’t been studied but there’s been some moms noting that their children have more challenges around their period - is that a pattern for your life? (Mine do.), He’s pretty typical for 17. Apologize as he knows he’s big and he needs your support. Eating right is challenging for everyone. At least you offer healthy choices., Is he on an antipsychotic? That will cause weight gain. Has he ever tried stimulants? That will help with adhd symptoms and also reduce his appetite. Also, neurofeedback is a scam, please don’t waste your money on it., You aren't alone. I have been feeling the same way. It's been so awful lately. And I can't work and lost my food stamps this month even though I gave them all info so I get you. I'm so scared all the time, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Can you start to research and get on wait lists for group homes? It can be quite a process and adulthood is just around the corner for him. I’m sure it’s hard and feels like giving up, but you can’t care for him as you get older and are less physically and mentally able than you are now. My cousin is severely disabled and is actually in a great group home. He receives 24/7 care and they do activities, work on skills, go on outings. It could actually be a better setup for every person involved including him. As for the food it’s probably very hard to resist any type of junk food that’s available. If you need to have some sugary treats on hand for the younger kids maybe keep them in a locked box or cabinet? Or I know someone who keeps that stuff in the trunk of her car and her car locked and her keys inaccessible, so it isn’t a temptation for someone in her family who is dieting., Hey I read this a while ago but wanted to check in--how are things going now?, 2 level 3s? God bless you. I just have one and I have no idea how i get up every day and do it all over again, Thank you., im a dad of 6 years old autism too and its giving me headaches , how do you tackle with this, Just want to sympathise here. In a similar situation to you OP. Level 3 son, though he isn't as old as your boy. I know how tough it is and like the poster above I've found myself utterly broken on days I thought were going alright, because small pieces become a huge effort to do. As hard as these things are you're all he has. Don't beat yourself up too much and definitely don't make any life changing decisions when you're emotionally charged. Believe me I know how you feel! I hope everything gets better for you, You knocked this talk out of the park. I am in awe., I'm glad you were able to have a talk with him and that he seems to understand. I have to ask though, is he on any meds currently? Some meds make you want to eat like crazy, especially carbs. My husband is on Abilify and two heart meds and he is a sugar bug. He cannot control it. With my daughters I talk about want versus need but with him, he admits he can't control it. And I recall many years ago I felt the same way, it was like I was caught in a carb loop and the only way out of it was to go on Atkins., Hang in there. My heart is with you., You repaired the rupture! This was amazing to read. I’m overjoyed for you., Really well done OP., I am so so sorry you, your family, and he are dealing with this but so glad you had a good talk with him. I wish I had better words to share to encourage you because I can't imagine how tough this is., I can’t., Omg I’ve actually got my period too. Since the day before this started with him hitting., Wow I could have written your comment too. The PMDD bio feedback loop of negativity is the WORST. Awareness is step 1 in fighting it back into its cage j think. Idk about you but I’m twitchy those last 5 days before it starts but the worst like day 26/27…I just try and make sure that day lands so I have the least amount of responsibility and parental involvement possible. Doesn’t always work that way but if you can swing that then do…we’re just not fit for public consumption ya know? And it becomes unsafe for everyone…why fight it?, This I will try thank you, Sorry I just can’t., I’m sorry I can’t do that., We all joined the gym not just him, I’ll check good idea thank you. Thing is my son is very high functioning and odds are will eventually be able to live on his own so I don’t want him in a home and he isn’t willing to even look at all has said he’d rather die than go to one. So I’m not, The funny thing is how many times I find myself thinking "things would be so great if I only had one", but I know if I only had one I would think very differently!, One thing is funny in a way... you have thoughts all the time like "why am I doing this? how am I doing this?" And then 7 years later you're still asking yourself that. Your brain just adapts. Your expectations change. It's a fucked up road to drive down. But my 13 y/o is happier than I've probably ever been in my life. I honestly hate this society, this existence. But most of what I hate in life, my boys will never have to deal with, as long as I'm alive. Society will expect nothing from them, so they'll literally be able to do pretty much anything they want. Sucks for me, but great for them. If I have to suffer in this life, at least it's for them., Why can’t you? You’re suicidal. This needs to change., But you can't live like this either. Something will end up giving, let it be this. Just starting the search may be healthy for you and you and your son can find the right group home together. It's not abandoning; it's taking the next step. Especially because if it does have to happen one day you want it to be at a time decided by you, not when you're old, weak and desperate. You want to give him time to adjust with you "right outside the door" basically., Yeah. I totally understand. Life sucks., My worst days are 3-4 days before the cycle and the first 1-2 days of my period. It freaking sucks so hard having no control of the bursts! but yes being aware helps me snap out of it and apologize a lot. I am a single momma hanging on by threads those days without much help. I just constantly apologize when appropriate and utilize free pad & gaming time to avoid too much contact with my mood lol, It’s a struggle at first, but it really helps., I understand the knee-jerk reaction to refuse out-of-home care but before you make a decision, please gather all of the information and tour available settings. I know many parents that found assisted living or small group homes that their kids loved. It can be very hard for ASD teens to constantly be under their parent’s care and oftentimes behavior improves when they’re given more space and independence living out of the family home. Maybe even an out-of-home respite can be a day care like setting, where you son goes for several hours a day. Please for your son, yourself, and your family, talk to a social worker from your state’s department of disabilities to see what options are available, That's OK. How are you today?, Some major hospitals have weight loss programs to help individuals. He likely needs professional guidance to lose the weight and keep it off. Thats a huge challenge for most people not to mention a teenager with autism. His primary care doctor can hopefully make some referrals. You might be able to find something covered by your insurance. Giving them a call directly is probably worth checking with your benefits., Exercise is fantastic for our bodies and brains, but honestly isn’t going to move the needle much for weight loss unless he’s running marathons each week. Reducing calorie intake is, practically speaking, going to be the key to weight loss. I wish you the best ❤️ helping a loved one with obesity is incredibly hard. Any attempts to offer assistance often goes nowhere in my experience unless and until the family member themself is ready to lose the weight., that’s really good that you’re all getting involved! if lifestyle changes and stuff aren’t having any effect then i highly recommend seeing if he can get evaluated for binge eating disorder and/or depression like i mentioned earlier. lifestyle changes do not fix eating disorders only proper therapy tailored to the specific ED. as another person mentioned hospitals can help with weigjt loss programs for severe cases like this, My child will likely be independent for the most part, too. But she will always need supports and I don’t even always know what those might be. So I have found that wrap around services and family centered programs are great at helping me figure out what she needs now and what she might need in the future. Personal hygiene and impulse control and all these behavioral things can be worked on with a team that does this regularly. So can interpersonal conflicts between siblings. I have definitely been in that place of not knowing what more to do, or how to possibly start affecting change for my family. Uncertainty sucks. I’m a huge advocate for accessing professional or community services to help us when we need it, because we can’t do it all alone. My best to you!!, That doesn’t sound healthy for you, or for them either to be honest., does your child speaks? how do you tackle with the meldtdowns? how do you teach them honestly i have a lot of questions, He/she was just picking right battles along the way. Picture described above is how it evolved so I would disagree with you. This probably is the most sustainable way outside of "apply for nonexistent respite care. If there were simple solutions, we wouldn't have to discuss them

I don’t like therapy for my child

I got my child into therapy in infancy all the way up until now. He’s almost 7. I’m so burned out of therapy. A part of me resents it. However I feel pressured by his pediatrician and the school saying therapy will benefit him. Which I know is true but how did parents raise their children before all this therapy was required ? I think I can’t stand how much is put on parents of autistic children. I would like a life outside of autism sometimes. Everything in my life is taken over by this diagnosis

We decided early on that it was important we let our kid be a kid. The amount of recommended therapies on top of school is not realistic, in my opinion. 3-7 year olds should not be putting in 40 hours of “work” a week. Doctors, school staff, and others have tried to pressure us into things we just don’t feel are necessary, and wouldn’t be beneficial. Our son is doing great and I think a lot of that is because we aren’t overloading him. If you think it’s too much, take a break. You can always come back to it if you think you need to. You know what’s best for your little one., [deleted], You can say no. 💛 We turned down one of the therapies offered and just do OT and speech. My son is thriving. If you’re feeling burned out there’s a good chance your son is too!, If you feel like it’s wrong, it probably is. I started ABA outside of school recently, and the technician has been pushing me to give my kid too many extra hours. I was clear with them when my kid was available for therapy, so I don’t know if they can’t hear me or what. Anyway, extra hours aren’t happening. He’s already in a full time job of therapy (between school, ABA, speech OT) and he’s 4 years old. Do they really care about him?? Or is it the money they can make off him?, I hear ya, Mama/Papa! I just dumped ABA. We’ll cherry pick from what we learned as some of it didn’t really mesh with how I want to raise him and some of the “rules” were so arbitrary. Dumped OT. We got him a swing at home, plenty of dexterity games, and now he only has speech outside of school but it’s fun and fits our schedule. Im so relieved and less stressed out and he has more time to just be a kid, have swim class, learn to ride his bike, etc. 4 appointments a week was just not sustainable., [deleted], You know what’s best for your kid. Don’t let a doctor who sees him 15 minutes at a time pressure you., Sometimes I feel furious after therapy. Sometimes I wonder if I know more than the therapists do. We already learned a lot through the trainings we've done. Theoretically, my child is in a better place than he would have been otherwise had we not done all this therapy. Still he's delayed, so the pressure is on to infinitely continue. I’ll always wonder how much better he’d be off if we did/do more. He's mostly happy. Can't that be enough?, My son has some therapy in school and sees an OT for feeding therapy outside of school. I don’t make him do anything else because it’s too overwhelming for him and if I’m being honest it’s way too overwhelming for me too. He already has a lot more appointments than most kids his age- between the extra developmental pediatrician appointments, his allergy doctor appointments, nutritionist, eye doctor, and just regular dentist and ped appointments it’s too much added to the little therapy he does have outside of school. It’s also expensive. I think it’s perfectly fine to decide to pull back and see how it goes. We very rarely have a whole week with no appointments between his and my own and I’ve been trying to figure out a way to give us a whole month without because I’m so burnt out. I think my son actually handles it better than I do at this point. I’ve been trying to learn how to balance my own mental health and figure out what is absolutely necessary and what we can let go of. It’s so hard. I definitely understand how you feel., Our child was in various therapies from 2 to 7; ABA for about 4 months before we pulled the plug on that one. Others included speech, OT, hearing and visual therapies. Starting second grade we focused more on learning therapies to address reading (dyslexia) and math (dyscalculia). Kiddo is 12 now and doing fine, the 40 hours a week therapies weren’t necessary. The doctors and specialists will insist you continue but we’re happy with our choices., I feel you... its so hard., My son is starting kindergarten this year and will attend 7:30-2:30. The local ABA centers offer after school therapy from 3-5 or even 3-6 every day. I just can’t wrap my head around a young kid being in a school or therapy clinic from 7 AM to 6 PM!!! That’s an 11 hour day! Adults would get burnt out on that. We plan to just do one hour of speech and one hour of OT per week after school and that’s it, and if that seems to be too much for him we will drop it. I used to feel so stressed out about getting my kid all the therapies possible and lots of hours, but after years spent in Facebook autism groups I’ve read about so many kids who had the most amazing outcomes with barely any therapy at all and so many kids who made very little progress despite lots of recommended therapy. I really think any studies showing a huge benefit are flawed. I think a lot of what determines the outcome is what’s inside the child’s brain and there’s not a lot we can do., For us my son was diagnosed so long ago services weren’t even available everywhere we’ve lived. For us I chose to become the therapist. (As much as I humanly could) I watched countless hours of ABA, Speech and sensory therapies. Then copy and pasted that into our regimen. I could never tell you if my son would’ve done better/worse with actual therapy. I can tell you he’s 15 now and he talks, reads/writes, has independence, is helpful, and can control his emotions pretty freakin well for a teenager. After all these years my advice is that there’s more than just your child managing autism. Do what feels right, things can always be readjusted. It’s not wrong to try something new ❤️ sometimes it even works out!, Don’t be afraid to take breaks! I’ve told his therapists multiple times “we just need a break this week” it’s a lot on a kid and busy parents., For us our daughter has fairly low support needs. We have realized she does best doing one type of therapy at a time. So we stopped play therapy to do occupational therapy. Then stopped that for social speech therapy. She is now entering school and gets speech and ot at school. I know she will need more ot private therapy in the future. But right now we are concentrating on social skills. We never do more than two sessions a week when school is out and no more than one during the school year. It is what works for my kid and family. We do have times we have taken a few months off of all therapy. It is expensive, and time consuming. Our pediatrician is big on making sure she has time to be a kid. Not just therapy. We also look at this as a marathon not a sprint. I believe early intervention is very important. But we are looking at her needing therapy throughout her childhood. We don’t have to cram it all in right now. But that is just my situation, Follow your intuition. Many therapies are designed to force autistics to mask and be a functioning member of society. The thing is, our society is ill. If the therapy helps with some things like OT I say it is helpful. If it is play based it can be helpful. Many other therapies are just trying to turn us into someone we are not and never will be. You can even study up methods to help your child at home without having to jump through hoops of therapy that is likely outdated anyway. You don't need permission. I know it feels scary but you and your child will find your way ❤️, not a parent but as an autistic adult who spent her entire childhood in therapy, i can confidently say it did not help me then or now. therapy is not for everyone (there are studies to confirm this), and i completely understand how you feel. therapy burned out my mom as well which didn’t help as i could feel the stress she had at home while with her. try taking a break from your therapist though your pediatrician and school counselors may object. spending more time with him 1 on 1, talking to him and understanding how he’s feeling will absolutely be beneficial to both of you, Here’s my thoughts! If you want to stop therapy; - Social skills classes. At the company I work for, we offer 90 minute classes once a week in the summer or every other week during the school year—so, much less of a commitment time-wise. These classes are taught by the same people who do 1:1 therapy, but the kids don’t need to have 1:1 therapy to be in the classes. There are many different classes that have a variety of focuses and the kids still benefit greatly from it. - Hiring a consultant for school. There is a big disconnect between ABA therapists and schools. There are some companies, however, that can be hired by families and/or schools to help train teachers on how to better support kids with ASD. If you want to continue therapy; - Respite workers. In my state, this can be covered by insurance. These people would be able to help out during therapy hours so you can focus on other things/kids/etc without as much worry (if that’s what you’re looking for). - Reduce hours. A lot of times, doctors or companies will recommend 40 hours a week for therapy. A lot of times, this is not necessary. Typically kids only need 20 hours a week for it to be considered intensive therapy which is necessary for insurance coverage. Hope this helps!!, There’s so many expectations of therapies and programs we “should” put our kids in but it’s way too much. Kids having to go to school and therapy afterwards, or straight up just doing therapy instead of school. Parents having to choose between therapy or having a job. Kids getting overwhelmed from all the go go go go. My son was in intensive food therapy for 8 weeks last year. Didn’t stick. They put him on the waitlist for their ABA program, started a few months later. I decided to pull him after 2 weeks because he started exhibiting self harming behaviors, which is extremely *NOT* like my son., I believe therapy helps but you know your child better than anyone else. If you are willing to devote all your attention on you little one to thrive go for it. I truly believe that no one will be better suited to help but yourself., I agree 100% with this. My child’s schedule is full Every single week. Which means my schedule is full every single week. How much longer does he need therapy. Then these companies try and scare you saying, “Insurance won’t pay if you don’t keep showing up”., I knew a woman who has an adult son with Down syndrome - he's now around 50, and what she said was interesting. She said she thought it was harder now because there was so much pressure on parents and so much pressure to therapy symptoms away. I thought that was a really interesting POV. Obviously, we know it was really challenging back then. Many kids couldn't go to school., I feel this mama !! I’ve been pulling back as well!, We do therapy, we just don't do ABA. We meet with the different therapists once or twice pero month for one hour, and communicate via email. He has OT, SLP, a psychologist and PT in his team, plus an aide who comes to work directly with him 1 hr once a week. They work more with us, and depending on his needs. For example now he is more anxious so we are working towards ways to see why he is anxious and what to do to help him feel less anxious., I feel you. Our son is 4.5 and in all the therapies. His therapy center has a clear goal of lowering his hours. He went from 16 hours ABA (when he was in no preschool, and it was cotreated so ABA joined speech, OT and Pt which was so cool) to now around 8 hours a week. When he’s in TK this fall, I see no more than 6-8 hours a week. All his therapies are under the same roof/program (speech, OT, PT and aba) so it’s helped a lot. I think we’ll drop PT soon, and just keep OT, speech and ABA. He has a severe expressive speech delay, mostly intelligibility (sound production) as in he’s not if understood by most people, and delayed social skills. OT is great and helps with regulation, independence with life skills and more. Shorter sessions too (OT is 45 min, and speech is 30 min). He gets to play a lot at the center so he likes it. I am keeping my eyes out though for an alternative to ABA such as social skills groups, or special needs hang outs etc. I think that real life peer to peer practice is what’s missing. But it’s tough to find that, for the little ones. Most I see are 6 and up, Consider following your intuition and changing things. In a family, things have to work for everyone if at all possible. So if this isn't working for the family, it isn't working for your child. Disclaimer: we all know nothing about your situation or your kid specifically. But as many people have said, it is often okay to drop some., My child isn't in any therapies right now, and because I haven't really seen much improvement with it & it's too much. The things they think we should do are way more than they or most other parents could ever pull off. Take a break if you need to. It's the summer., If the historical perspective was still applicable. The UK would have thousands of children in those establishments. We don't. Most children with autism in the UK may have had cycles of OT or Speech Therapy if appropriate, but the majority probably do not and certainly not permanently, unless they have . Don't get me wrong, the system is far from perfect. But those that need it access specialist settings. Many will access additional support in school due to the asd or the other comorbidities. So yes, children do survive and thrive without this gruelling regime thay seems the norm in the USA. As I said, preschool I juggled lots of appointments, and I still do have more than parents of NT children. But not as suggested by many on here., This is why all of our daughter’s therapies (speech, OT, PT) are in school and we don’t schedule any additional outside of that. Her “work” happens in school and when she’s not in school she doesn’t need to work. Granted she just finished preschool but I always resented the ABA therapists who came to our home during COVID telling us that “every moment is a teachable moment”. It made me feel like a failure as a parent because I just wanted to enjoy being around my kid and not obsessing about “teachable moments”. I value consistency but my kid is a kid and I’m not going to overload them so they can meet a societal expectation on some one else’s timeline. If it’s meant to happen it will. We are supporting her in every way possible., You have no idea how much I need this. God bless you and your family, Great point. I initially got my son into "all the things" and felt burned out within a few months. I can only imagine how burned out he felt. After that, I made it my focus that he gets time to be a kid, so we cut back on the therapies and only do what we feel is manageable and necessary. He's 4 and does OT and Speech once a week, and he's in a kindergarten prep program for kids with ASD every afternoon until Kindergarten starts. It gives me most mornings, every evening, and every weekend to do fun stuff with him or simply let him laze about and watch TV and eat Doritos cause he deserves to relax and unwind, too. And yeah I can spend that free time teaching him more language or whatever, but sometimes we just focus on having fun and not learning. I think this can be a problem with NT kids, too, where the parents push "LEARNING" in every possible moment of the day, and it's exhausting. No one wants to be studying 24/7., My almost 2 year old does speech, OT and PT each one hour once a week and now they want to add a special instructor on to it 5 hours a day 5 days a week on top of her therapy. How am I supposed to do anything else with my life? What about my 4 year old 🥲 it’s too much. There’s so much pressure on us to put them into all of these things., Couldn’t agree more!!, This right here. I want to say as late as the 80’s people litterally just gave their children up to the state and they were institutionalized and essentially put on tranquilizers. My MIL (56f) actually recently recieved a Schizophrenia diagnosis and while talking to family members learned she had a cousin she didn’t know Existed because he was just given to the state as a child. Things like the no child left behind act or IDEA didn’t exist. You couldn’t even send your kid to school, they weren’t required to make accommodations. You had litterally no help. People forget that Therapy and services is still a relatively new phenomenon (20ish years old) and a lot of countries don’t even have that. These kinds of topics always remind me of the meme “well what did people do before vaccines?!” “People died Karen, a lot of people died”, I was diagnosed with Autistic Disorder in the 1980s and forced into a segregated public special Ed school with a mixed group. I went to NYC District 75 schools, but there's also GNETS in Atlanta. Autists and learning disabled were fodder for bullies with conduct disorder. I never got to have ABA growing up in the early 90s and regret it. Today, kids with autism can get enough treatment where they can be normalized and go into mainstream Ed. I missed out on Regents, AP, going to prom, and stuff like that., Oh this is so sad, I never looked at this perspective. Seems to be a major imbalance. I do hope that in the future places outside of the states can offer the same to parents in need. At the minimum they should be able to have resources available to them., Me too. I'm paying for the therapies & EIP, so expensive. I'm burnt out too. I was (or maybe still am) a bit jealous that in some countries they get all that for free. In my son's therapy center there's no speech therapist so we need to fork out more money & time for speech therapies. But i dont have much time or money to send him to speech therapies. Schools here also while providing supports, they don't have any of the therapists. I feel like other countries who have all these therapists at schools are really blessed. Good for them. But yes burnt out is real. So parents, please rest too.., Yes. I do ABA. Was reluctant to do ABA at first. Now it’s really helped my kiddo and I found the right company that honors who he is as an autistic person but gives him strategies. BUT! It also burns me out. And they also quote “the evidence says 40 hours is needed”. So I think it comes from a place of beneficence. But also the companies make a TON of money off insurance so there is financial incentive to push for more hours. We don’t give them 40 hours of availability. It’s just impossible. Kids need to be kids. My kids also do better with a little down time where we all play in parallel and delve into our own special interests. House is more harmonious that way. Still feel guilty I am not “capturing every teachable moment.” But you just can’t do it all. Resonate so much with all that’s been said here, 💸💸💸💸💸💸💸, You asked exactly the right questions. The [Autism Industrial Complex](https://brill.com/view/journals/jdse/2/1/article-p77_77.xml) is truly grotesque. Profit is generated by inflicting as many “interventions” on children as possible, and there’s no independent ethical oversight. The system financially benefits from as many autistic kids engaging in “problematic” behaviors as possible, so it’s kind of magical thinking to believe they’re going to actually solve any problems., We’ve done horse therapy and music therapy during different times (last year was horse therapy and this year is music). It’s been amazing for my daughter’s confidence and self-esteem., I'm a big supporter of ABA since its had a dramatic impact on our lives for the better and there's so much BS anti-ABA out there. But I absolutely agree that its not for everyone. We sent our level 1/2 10 year old to the same clinic and it was almost a complete waste of time. They helped him learn how to have a proper back-and-forth conversation and better recognize when he's rambling on a subject the other person has no interest in. Definitely not something a similar child would need 40 hours of pushed on them. They transitioned him out after 6 months so they agree. Its far more of a necessity for level 3 children., Wow this was insightful, We do OT only and it’s child-led — if he wants to learn a new skill, the OT helps him with it. Every single session ends with him setting up and running an obstacle course, which is his favorite part. It’s been fantastic., This really made my day ❤️, Yea I’ve decided to suck it up and do it because I see how much it benefits him. She’s also a very good therapist ❤️ thanks for your input, Exactly! He gets speech and OT at school and it’s WORKING because he’s had the same team for 2 years running now. We weren’t even in EI for 18 months and we must have gone through 4 or 5 SLPs and OTs each. There’s so much turnover that it’s impossible for the kids to build up that rapport. The only additional service we’ve started is a feeding-based OT that’s only 90 minutes once a month which is more than reasonable. He comes home from school happy but TIRED and it’s important to us that he gets to unwind and have fun at home., >I always resented the ABA therapists who came to our home during COVID telling us that “every moment is a teachable moment”. Wow. Our son's therapists said the exact opposite. They also said to pick our battles and that small steps can be just as big as a leap, so to relish any good moments., My son was recently diagnosed and hasn't started any real therapy yet - but I've been having SUCH a hard time with the "every moment is a teachable moment" message from the books our psychologist recommended. I'm sure to some parents in some situations it is empowering, but it has just been stressing me out. Responded to someone else - my own mental health therapist actually had me pause all "home intervention" stuff at the moment, and (at least for now) it's been nice to just enjoy my son!, It’s true - during EI I was so hung up on everything we were doing together being ‘intentional’ that it stripped any fun there was to be had. Since he started CPSE 3k last year, i’ve felt that he’s in super capable hands and getting plenty of 1:1 support and socialization 8:30-3pm daily. When we have time together it’s much easier to just enjoy him for the funny, bold kid that he is, without feeling the pressure of being his primary therapist as well as mum, I am an RBT and provide ABA services but also have ASD kids at home. There’s no way as a parent that I can maintain that level of service to my kids that I provide when I’m on the job. My kids absolutely receive services from others and not from me. I’m dad at home and not therapy., My son is 23 and I did the same. No outside therapies. He did and does attend weekend recreational programs for special needs. We also did not do the after school special sports. Down time at home is important for all of us., Doritos!!!! My daughter LOVES doritos they have been her only favorite consistant snack her whole tiny life and i love them too 😂😂😂 lmao this is officially my favorite comment. I feel better now about her snacking choices. Bah hahaha, One of my supervisors has an older brother (born around 1950) who is institutionalized and whom he has a conservatorship over. I think he told me because I told HR I have ASD., Music has done absolute WONDERS for my boys!!, I love this so much!, That makes me so happy! Some of my worst trauma came from parents, teachers and peers telling me to "be normal" because my natural self made them uncomfortable because I was different. Embracing our differences is one of the most beautiful and healing things for me personally. My parents meant well. They didn't know I had autism and adhd. Those things were boy dx back in the 90's and not well known at all. If you ever need a listening ear, I am here! My son is autistic too. No dx yet. I'm not even sure if I will seek one once he turns 2. If he needs OT or speech therapy I might but otherwise I am just going to continue to celebrate the beautiful little human he is. ❤️ You're amazing., My son was recently diagnosed so haven't even started therapy, but I relate to this so strongly. Our psychologist gave us a list of therapy books to read like to supplement/while waiting for the real therapy...the premise of one of them was that every moment of the day, every interaction, could be a learning moment. It was stressing me out so much! I'm in (mental health) therapy for myself and she actually had me totally pause all "intervention at home" stuff at the moment. The argument being that not being depressed, and having a bond with my son, is more important! Not sure what we'll do in the future, but for now I'm enjoying just being with him and being a mom not a therapist., My mom put me in therapy at the ripe age of 5, and they never caught autism or ADHD. 🙄😑 It did way more harm (misogynistic thought processes) than help. It wasn't just one blind person either-- it was several. It served to teach me I was broken because no matter what I did, how hard I tried, how consistent I was with taking meds that never helped, I could never "get better". So much harm caused, seriously. Knowing I'm autistic with ADHD has been way more healing (and ADHD is very treatable for me,) than any of the other damaging therapies I got., I was dx as a girl in the 1980s., It's likely that you either had extremely great resources or your symptoms were more "disruptive." They mostly cared that you weren't effecting everyone else unfortunately. I even got tested by a neuropsychologost in kindergarten. I remember being coached by my parents to "act normal so they don't think anything is wrong." I remember trying my hardest to not hyper focus during the assessment so that I wouldn't be considered "broken." I got a gifted diagnosis but they missed everything else. Though *some* girls were diagnosed, it was a 1 to 4 ratio to boys. So basically they mostly diagnosed boys and most girls were missed. Same thing with ADHD.

I feel like a failure

My child is my everything, she’s so fucking great but there are parts of parenting that are so hard and I don’t know how to get past it. When my 6 y/o was younger she was a great sleeper. We never really had issues, until night time training. She took to it really easily and only had one accident in over 3 months. She been doing wonderful. However, with night time training came this aggression and refusal to go to bed unless one of us is there at every moment. I can rub her back for 45 min, she’ll fall asleep and as soon as I tip toe out, she wakes abruptly. Then comes the kicking and screaming. We try again, 45 minutes and we cycle through this routine until she psychically is so tired she passes out. It’s a toll on all of us. My partner and I switch at night but she usually asks for mom. And that’s hard to convince her of. I just melted down tonight, shut the door and went to ugly cry. How much longer can I do this? How much longer will this be a thing? I feel like I’ve read every god damn book, I talk to her neurologist, her peds, etc. nothing changes this. And I’m just heartbroken. I feel like I can’t or am not doing it right. How do I get through this?

You’re doing great. I don’t know where we get the idea as parents that it’s not okay to lose patience or get frustrated and cry. It totally is. It’s completely normal. Especially when you’re sleep deprived. You started this out by making sure everyone knew your kid is amazing. I’ve been doing this for 20 years now. Some phases are just shitty, but they don’t last forever. Hang in there and give yourself grace. You deserve it., Single dad since my boy was 1, hes 10 now. Went through this with my son for years, probably until about 7 or 8. Partly attachment and partly night terrors from MRI scans every few months until he was 6. Its rough, sleep deprivation is a SOB. Don't feel bad for breaking down and closing the door, don't feel bad for crying. Remember you care and are doing everything you can until you break. If you didn't care you wouldn't do that or feel guilt for not doing an impossible amount more. As for recommendations, my son took a liking to a lot, i mean a LOT of plush toys. It started out with sock puppets I made him and gave them all voices to read or talk to him to sleep. After a while it was conversations and comfort. He sleeps with them and they took my place in a way. Still asks for dad to lay down with him from time to time though and it feels nostalgic now. Good luck and keep it up, remember your doing awesome., No advice, I’m just so sorry you’re going through This. My 4 y/o grandson spends 1 night a week with me. I lie down next to him and thank god he goes to sleep in about 15 minutes. It used to be hours so I feel your pain. xx, Oh the frustration. I hear you I really do. Bedtime takes 1-2 hours for my 5 year old usually.  This is not good advice, but it's what I do - my son co sleeps with me (which is bad) and I lie on my side and doomscroll with the covers over my head so he can't see the screen glare. I just stay quiet and still and wait it out while he wriggles around until he eventually falls asleep. When he's been asleep for like 20 mins then I creep away if I've not already fallen asleep myself.  I feel like I really fucked up this particular aspect of parenting and now I'm stuck 🫤 but I'd never ever say that you had failed! Maybe we should be a bit kinder to ourselves. I'm sorry that's not helpful, but you're definitely not alone with this. , I hear yah. My kid isn't quite this bad but there are lots of tantrums at bedtime and I feel like I could easily die from old age waiting on her to fall asleep. Is "cry it out" a thing at this age? Do they make sleeping pills for kindergarteners? I feel like it can't be good for her developmentally to sleep so much less than the average. We have tried everything it seems like. Heavy work. No screens. Dimming the lights. Sound machine. Melatonin. Aromatherapy. ASMR. Different bedtimes. Different bath times. Changing up meal times and quantity. We have a strict routine we follow. Like so many other things-she just does what she wants. The only thing we haven't tried is a sleep study which I have no hope for. If she can't fall asleep home I can't imagine what would happen in a clinic with a bunch of wires attached to her. I can't even get her to wear a bandaid., I used melatonin. I was at my wits end we were at about 2 hours of solid sleep. We did 2 mg. Helped tremendously. He started meds at 7 so he didn't need the melatonin anymore. He's slept well ever since. Goes to sleep at 9 wakes up 6. 365 a days a year .😂 You're in the worse years of ASD rn I promise you, it's going to get better. Someone said that to me at a support group when my son was 4 I almost yelled at him he's crazy I was so flustered and stressed. But here we are it's true it does get better. Reset however you do and go buy some melatonin no jk just whatever her doctor thinks would her sleep. She needs sleep , her brain is healing. And you need it to bea functioning adult! GL , Thank you. It’s hard in the moment to not go that route. But I know I have tried and will do anything to make sure we’re all safe and healthy. It’s just a lot to shoulder sometimes. Thankfully I have a little alone time this weekend, I’m hoping I can regain some hope and joy then., Thank you. It’s nice to hear that eventually it’ll be alright. She definitely loves her stuffies and plushies, so I may have to invest in some more and create some stories she can continue. I appreciate the advice., I don't think cosleeping is bad. I think if it works for the family it's great. I'm a well adjusted adult, I also didn't sleep alone consistently until I was 18. I shared a room with my mom or siblings (by choice). Even when I was 20 and came home to visit I slept on a mattress on the floor of my mom's room. This was just normal in my family, we're close, we've also all grown up to be successful independent adults. Now I cosleep with my two boys. They have their own beds in their own room, my oldest sometimes chooses to sleep alone, but its never something we force. Cosleep if it works for you and don't feel bad about it for one second. I'm a highly educated mom of two, I've done plenty of reading and research on this topic. Independent sleep is important only if it's something you value. Parenting is hard enough without trying to care about things that just don't matter., I’ve done that a time or two lol!, We co sleep with our 4 year old!, Oh absolutely and I’ve been there myself many times. Glad you have some much needed rest coming., np and good luck!, Thank you for this - I'm really self critical and quick to say I'm doing things wrong. , I'm so sorry. I think social media has a big impact on parents always thinking they're never enough. But most of us are enough, especially those of us who care and try. Your son is lucky to have you next to him every night making him feel safe and loved ❤️, Thank you ❤️, You’re doing great. I don’t know where we get the idea as parents that it’s not okay to lose patience or get frustrated and cry. It totally is. It’s completely normal. Especially when you’re sleep deprived. You started this out by making sure everyone knew your kid is amazing. I’ve been doing this for 20 years now. Some phases are just shitty, but they don’t last forever. Hang in there and give yourself grace. You deserve it., Single dad since my boy was 1, hes 10 now. Went through this with my son for years, probably until about 7 or 8. Partly attachment and partly night terrors from MRI scans every few months until he was 6. Its rough, sleep deprivation is a SOB. Don't feel bad for breaking down and closing the door, don't feel bad for crying. Remember you care and are doing everything you can until you break. If you didn't care you wouldn't do that or feel guilt for not doing an impossible amount more. As for recommendations, my son took a liking to a lot, i mean a LOT of plush toys. It started out with sock puppets I made him and gave them all voices to read or talk to him to sleep. After a while it was conversations and comfort. He sleeps with them and they took my place in a way. Still asks for dad to lay down with him from time to time though and it feels nostalgic now. Good luck and keep it up, remember your doing awesome., No advice, I’m just so sorry you’re going through This. My 4 y/o grandson spends 1 night a week with me. I lie down next to him and thank god he goes to sleep in about 15 minutes. It used to be hours so I feel your pain. xx, Oh the frustration. I hear you I really do. Bedtime takes 1-2 hours for my 5 year old usually.  This is not good advice, but it's what I do - my son co sleeps with me (which is bad) and I lie on my side and doomscroll with the covers over my head so he can't see the screen glare. I just stay quiet and still and wait it out while he wriggles around until he eventually falls asleep. When he's been asleep for like 20 mins then I creep away if I've not already fallen asleep myself.  I feel like I really fucked up this particular aspect of parenting and now I'm stuck 🫤 but I'd never ever say that you had failed! Maybe we should be a bit kinder to ourselves. I'm sorry that's not helpful, but you're definitely not alone with this. , I hear yah. My kid isn't quite this bad but there are lots of tantrums at bedtime and I feel like I could easily die from old age waiting on her to fall asleep. Is "cry it out" a thing at this age? Do they make sleeping pills for kindergarteners? I feel like it can't be good for her developmentally to sleep so much less than the average. We have tried everything it seems like. Heavy work. No screens. Dimming the lights. Sound machine. Melatonin. Aromatherapy. ASMR. Different bedtimes. Different bath times. Changing up meal times and quantity. We have a strict routine we follow. Like so many other things-she just does what she wants. The only thing we haven't tried is a sleep study which I have no hope for. If she can't fall asleep home I can't imagine what would happen in a clinic with a bunch of wires attached to her. I can't even get her to wear a bandaid., I used melatonin. I was at my wits end we were at about 2 hours of solid sleep. We did 2 mg. Helped tremendously. He started meds at 7 so he didn't need the melatonin anymore. He's slept well ever since. Goes to sleep at 9 wakes up 6. 365 a days a year .😂 You're in the worse years of ASD rn I promise you, it's going to get better. Someone said that to me at a support group when my son was 4 I almost yelled at him he's crazy I was so flustered and stressed. But here we are it's true it does get better. Reset however you do and go buy some melatonin no jk just whatever her doctor thinks would her sleep. She needs sleep , her brain is healing. And you need it to bea functioning adult! GL , Thank you. It’s hard in the moment to not go that route. But I know I have tried and will do anything to make sure we’re all safe and healthy. It’s just a lot to shoulder sometimes. Thankfully I have a little alone time this weekend, I’m hoping I can regain some hope and joy then., Thank you. It’s nice to hear that eventually it’ll be alright. She definitely loves her stuffies and plushies, so I may have to invest in some more and create some stories she can continue. I appreciate the advice., I don't think cosleeping is bad. I think if it works for the family it's great. I'm a well adjusted adult, I also didn't sleep alone consistently until I was 18. I shared a room with my mom or siblings (by choice). Even when I was 20 and came home to visit I slept on a mattress on the floor of my mom's room. This was just normal in my family, we're close, we've also all grown up to be successful independent adults. Now I cosleep with my two boys. They have their own beds in their own room, my oldest sometimes chooses to sleep alone, but its never something we force. Cosleep if it works for you and don't feel bad about it for one second. I'm a highly educated mom of two, I've done plenty of reading and research on this topic. Independent sleep is important only if it's something you value. Parenting is hard enough without trying to care about things that just don't matter., I’ve done that a time or two lol!, We co sleep with our 4 year old!, Oh absolutely and I’ve been there myself many times. Glad you have some much needed rest coming., np and good luck!, Thank you for this - I'm really self critical and quick to say I'm doing things wrong. , I'm so sorry. I think social media has a big impact on parents always thinking they're never enough. But most of us are enough, especially those of us who care and try. Your son is lucky to have you next to him every night making him feel safe and loved ❤️, Thank you ❤️, You’re doing great. I don’t know where we get the idea as parents that it’s not okay to lose patience or get frustrated and cry. It totally is. It’s completely normal. Especially when you’re sleep deprived. You started this out by making sure everyone knew your kid is amazing. I’ve been doing this for 20 years now. Some phases are just shitty, but they don’t last forever. Hang in there and give yourself grace. You deserve it., Single dad since my boy was 1, hes 10 now. Went through this with my son for years, probably until about 7 or 8. Partly attachment and partly night terrors from MRI scans every few months until he was 6. Its rough, sleep deprivation is a SOB. Don't feel bad for breaking down and closing the door, don't feel bad for crying. Remember you care and are doing everything you can until you break. If you didn't care you wouldn't do that or feel guilt for not doing an impossible amount more. As for recommendations, my son took a liking to a lot, i mean a LOT of plush toys. It started out with sock puppets I made him and gave them all voices to read or talk to him to sleep. After a while it was conversations and comfort. He sleeps with them and they took my place in a way. Still asks for dad to lay down with him from time to time though and it feels nostalgic now. Good luck and keep it up, remember your doing awesome., No advice, I’m just so sorry you’re going through This. My 4 y/o grandson spends 1 night a week with me. I lie down next to him and thank god he goes to sleep in about 15 minutes. It used to be hours so I feel your pain. xx, Oh the frustration. I hear you I really do. Bedtime takes 1-2 hours for my 5 year old usually.  This is not good advice, but it's what I do - my son co sleeps with me (which is bad) and I lie on my side and doomscroll with the covers over my head so he can't see the screen glare. I just stay quiet and still and wait it out while he wriggles around until he eventually falls asleep. When he's been asleep for like 20 mins then I creep away if I've not already fallen asleep myself.  I feel like I really fucked up this particular aspect of parenting and now I'm stuck 🫤 but I'd never ever say that you had failed! Maybe we should be a bit kinder to ourselves. I'm sorry that's not helpful, but you're definitely not alone with this. , I hear yah. My kid isn't quite this bad but there are lots of tantrums at bedtime and I feel like I could easily die from old age waiting on her to fall asleep. Is "cry it out" a thing at this age? Do they make sleeping pills for kindergarteners? I feel like it can't be good for her developmentally to sleep so much less than the average. We have tried everything it seems like. Heavy work. No screens. Dimming the lights. Sound machine. Melatonin. Aromatherapy. ASMR. Different bedtimes. Different bath times. Changing up meal times and quantity. We have a strict routine we follow. Like so many other things-she just does what she wants. The only thing we haven't tried is a sleep study which I have no hope for. If she can't fall asleep home I can't imagine what would happen in a clinic with a bunch of wires attached to her. I can't even get her to wear a bandaid., I used melatonin. I was at my wits end we were at about 2 hours of solid sleep. We did 2 mg. Helped tremendously. He started meds at 7 so he didn't need the melatonin anymore. He's slept well ever since. Goes to sleep at 9 wakes up 6. 365 a days a year .😂 You're in the worse years of ASD rn I promise you, it's going to get better. Someone said that to me at a support group when my son was 4 I almost yelled at him he's crazy I was so flustered and stressed. But here we are it's true it does get better. Reset however you do and go buy some melatonin no jk just whatever her doctor thinks would her sleep. She needs sleep , her brain is healing. And you need it to bea functioning adult! GL , Thank you. It’s hard in the moment to not go that route. But I know I have tried and will do anything to make sure we’re all safe and healthy. It’s just a lot to shoulder sometimes. Thankfully I have a little alone time this weekend, I’m hoping I can regain some hope and joy then., Thank you. It’s nice to hear that eventually it’ll be alright. She definitely loves her stuffies and plushies, so I may have to invest in some more and create some stories she can continue. I appreciate the advice., I don't think cosleeping is bad. I think if it works for the family it's great. I'm a well adjusted adult, I also didn't sleep alone consistently until I was 18. I shared a room with my mom or siblings (by choice). Even when I was 20 and came home to visit I slept on a mattress on the floor of my mom's room. This was just normal in my family, we're close, we've also all grown up to be successful independent adults. Now I cosleep with my two boys. They have their own beds in their own room, my oldest sometimes chooses to sleep alone, but its never something we force. Cosleep if it works for you and don't feel bad about it for one second. I'm a highly educated mom of two, I've done plenty of reading and research on this topic. Independent sleep is important only if it's something you value. Parenting is hard enough without trying to care about things that just don't matter., I’ve done that a time or two lol!, We co sleep with our 4 year old!, Oh absolutely and I’ve been there myself many times. Glad you have some much needed rest coming., np and good luck!, Thank you for this - I'm really self critical and quick to say I'm doing things wrong. , I'm so sorry. I think social media has a big impact on parents always thinking they're never enough. But most of us are enough, especially those of us who care and try. Your son is lucky to have you next to him every night making him feel safe and loved ❤️, Thank you ❤️, You’re doing great. I don’t know where we get the idea as parents that it’s not okay to lose patience or get frustrated and cry. It totally is. It’s completely normal. Especially when you’re sleep deprived. You started this out by making sure everyone knew your kid is amazing. I’ve been doing this for 20 years now. Some phases are just shitty, but they don’t last forever. Hang in there and give yourself grace. You deserve it., Single dad since my boy was 1, hes 10 now. Went through this with my son for years, probably until about 7 or 8. Partly attachment and partly night terrors from MRI scans every few months until he was 6. Its rough, sleep deprivation is a SOB. Don't feel bad for breaking down and closing the door, don't feel bad for crying. Remember you care and are doing everything you can until you break. If you didn't care you wouldn't do that or feel guilt for not doing an impossible amount more. As for recommendations, my son took a liking to a lot, i mean a LOT of plush toys. It started out with sock puppets I made him and gave them all voices to read or talk to him to sleep. After a while it was conversations and comfort. He sleeps with them and they took my place in a way. Still asks for dad to lay down with him from time to time though and it feels nostalgic now. Good luck and keep it up, remember your doing awesome., No advice, I’m just so sorry you’re going through This. My 4 y/o grandson spends 1 night a week with me. I lie down next to him and thank god he goes to sleep in about 15 minutes. It used to be hours so I feel your pain. xx, Oh the frustration. I hear you I really do. Bedtime takes 1-2 hours for my 5 year old usually.  This is not good advice, but it's what I do - my son co sleeps with me (which is bad) and I lie on my side and doomscroll with the covers over my head so he can't see the screen glare. I just stay quiet and still and wait it out while he wriggles around until he eventually falls asleep. When he's been asleep for like 20 mins then I creep away if I've not already fallen asleep myself.  I feel like I really fucked up this particular aspect of parenting and now I'm stuck 🫤 but I'd never ever say that you had failed! Maybe we should be a bit kinder to ourselves. I'm sorry that's not helpful, but you're definitely not alone with this. , I hear yah. My kid isn't quite this bad but there are lots of tantrums at bedtime and I feel like I could easily die from old age waiting on her to fall asleep. Is "cry it out" a thing at this age? Do they make sleeping pills for kindergarteners? I feel like it can't be good for her developmentally to sleep so much less than the average. We have tried everything it seems like. Heavy work. No screens. Dimming the lights. Sound machine. Melatonin. Aromatherapy. ASMR. Different bedtimes. Different bath times. Changing up meal times and quantity. We have a strict routine we follow. Like so many other things-she just does what she wants. The only thing we haven't tried is a sleep study which I have no hope for. If she can't fall asleep home I can't imagine what would happen in a clinic with a bunch of wires attached to her. I can't even get her to wear a bandaid., I used melatonin. I was at my wits end we were at about 2 hours of solid sleep. We did 2 mg. Helped tremendously. He started meds at 7 so he didn't need the melatonin anymore. He's slept well ever since. Goes to sleep at 9 wakes up 6. 365 a days a year .😂 You're in the worse years of ASD rn I promise you, it's going to get better. Someone said that to me at a support group when my son was 4 I almost yelled at him he's crazy I was so flustered and stressed. But here we are it's true it does get better. Reset however you do and go buy some melatonin no jk just whatever her doctor thinks would her sleep. She needs sleep , her brain is healing. And you need it to bea functioning adult! GL , Thank you. It’s hard in the moment to not go that route. But I know I have tried and will do anything to make sure we’re all safe and healthy. It’s just a lot to shoulder sometimes. Thankfully I have a little alone time this weekend, I’m hoping I can regain some hope and joy then., Thank you. It’s nice to hear that eventually it’ll be alright. She definitely loves her stuffies and plushies, so I may have to invest in some more and create some stories she can continue. I appreciate the advice., I don't think cosleeping is bad. I think if it works for the family it's great. I'm a well adjusted adult, I also didn't sleep alone consistently until I was 18. I shared a room with my mom or siblings (by choice). Even when I was 20 and came home to visit I slept on a mattress on the floor of my mom's room. This was just normal in my family, we're close, we've also all grown up to be successful independent adults. Now I cosleep with my two boys. They have their own beds in their own room, my oldest sometimes chooses to sleep alone, but its never something we force. Cosleep if it works for you and don't feel bad about it for one second. I'm a highly educated mom of two, I've done plenty of reading and research on this topic. Independent sleep is important only if it's something you value. Parenting is hard enough without trying to care about things that just don't matter., I’ve done that a time or two lol!, We co sleep with our 4 year old!, Oh absolutely and I’ve been there myself many times. Glad you have some much needed rest coming., np and good luck!, Thank you for this - I'm really self critical and quick to say I'm doing things wrong. , I'm so sorry. I think social media has a big impact on parents always thinking they're never enough. But most of us are enough, especially those of us who care and try. Your son is lucky to have you next to him every night making him feel safe and loved ❤️, Thank you ❤️

I hate weekends

I remember how much I used to look forward to Fridays and getting off work. Now they’re just awful other than the few hours of free time I get when my husband takes over. I can’t take my son anywhere because he refuses to walk or just tries to constantly scale fences or go under them to escape or eat dirt. Getting him into and out of car seats or strollers is becoming just too much and I have to do it several times a day all week that by Saturday I just can’t do it. We have an indoor climbing set, bounce house, trampoline, and sensory swing. An outdoor sensory swing and climbing gym. He uses none of it and has no interest in any toy or activity I try. Kinetic sand, dot markers, water painting, blocks, rough housing. He just cries and screams to go out front into the street or the kitchen cabinets all day long. Anytime I try to sit down he pulls me back up. Won’t eat anything but cries because he’s hungry. Doesn’t nap and never stops moving. At least monday through Friday I get to sit down. Even if it’s to work. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore other than Saturday night getting to spend a little time with my husband. I just really dread day to day life right now and I feel like there’s no fight left in me. Saturdays are the worst.

We went through similar periods with our daughter (now 7 y/o). I don't know how you feel about medication (or if is something that you or your physicians have considered), but much of what you are describing seems to be rooted in crippling anxiety. Starting our daughter on a low dose of anti-anxiety medication was life-changing. We have tried other things over the last 2-3 years but anti-anxiety meds have proven to be the most effective at regulating her day-to-day moods and behavior, reducing the elopement, unwillingness to cooperate, etc., Yeah this is relatable. When parenting feels like work the weekend just means more work. It sounds like you've got a lot of frustrations with parenting right now. And it sounds like you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know anything about your family but a few things that I have learned 1) your husband is taking time a few hours per weekend. That doesn't sound like much. I don't know how much it really is. What I do know is that it will probably never seem like enough if you're handing off an obligation. It becomes really easy to resent each other because you want your SO to go away with your kid so you can just have a break. Make sure you treat your relationship like a priority because this is something that can drive a wedge between you. It sounds like Saturday night is date night - that's a good start. Don't let that go. 2) it's frustrating when you get them things that you think they should want and they don't use them. It's also frustrating when the things they do want to do are unusual or dangerous. My son was fascinated by fences - we'd take him to the playground and the first thing he did was walk the perimeter checking out the fence. Once he had done that he'd play but he had to start with the fence. It turns out he needs to understand his environment. Now that he's older he loves maps and floor plans and knowing where everything is, and we're getting him involved in drama club as a crew member who can set up the stage. He loves it. 3) safety needs. I know someone who was able to get a fence in their front yard paid for by a local charity, and that allowed them to spend time in their front yard. That let their kids explore more and then they didnt need the forbidden fruit anymore. It also meant that mom and dad could go outside and watch but not feel as stressed about it. 4) lean in to things they like. Even if it's something you don't understand. I can't speak to your kitchen cabinet and under the fence examples but my son used to agitate and want to go in the car. As he became more verbal he started saying he wanted to go to certain places. Then we'd get there and he didn't want to do anything. It turns out that he was looking at the high voltage power lines near the things that he asked for. He was interested in the huge towers and all the shapes and sizes of them. As he got older he would draw them and ask questions about them. So I started to learn everything there was to learn about power lines. We watched them put up new ones. We went for hikes on power line trails. We would write stories about how they built the power lines. Bear in mind I knew nothing about power lines to start this and never paid attention to them. But we used it as a platform to learn all kinds of things because for whatever reason, that's what he was interested in. And of course we've looked to develop other interests too. Maybe your kid is really interested in cabinets and fences because he likes to know all the stuff within reach. Maybe he wants to what's on the other side of the fence or on the other side of the cabinet door. maybe he wants the tactile experience of being in an enclosed space like a cabinet or under the fence. Try to learn what it is that he's getting from these things. Maybe he'd love going to an indoor playground with a maze. You'll probably have to helicopter and he might not be able to be social with other kids but just getting exposure to kids might help him get repetitions. Maybe you could find something safe and indoor at home. 5) if he wants to pull you up whenever you lie down, try redirecting and modeling behavior you want to see. I don't know how verbal he is but if he's not verbal at all you can try saying mom when he pulls your hand, and then say mmm mmm. If he says mmm back, you get up right away. If he says mmm but not mom, work on getting him to say mom instead of pulling. Work on whatever he's able to do and continue expanding it. Everything he wants is an opportunity to work on a goal, and speech is often a really big goal. 6) aba providers work on eating and can help a lot with getting kids to try new things. They have videos and books on the topic but the experts have years of experience just getting kids to try food. It's not easy and it's important to eat. See if you can get help from a professional. 7) prioritize things. Clean house. Marriage. Me time. Social time. Your time is a finite resource. Make a budget for it. Maybe you don't spend time on cleaning the house and that bothers you. Can you get a cleaner to come by? Maybe you don't spend enough time on the marriage. Can you find ways to do things with your child together? Maybe you need me time without your husband. What are things that you do during the limited free time you get on the weekends? If it's stuff like doing laundry, can you find ways to do that during the week so your me time can be more restful? Do you have friends or family who can hang out with you while you watch him on the weekend? My mom always wants me to visit but I don't have time because I have to watch him. Hey wait a minute what if I brought him to my mom's. That might sound obvious but I've seen a lot of parents with special needs kids who treat it like a secret or their own cross to bear and they don't spend time with friends or family because they don't want to burden them. It turns out that those relationships don't benefit from you not seeing each other, either. Let people help. It sounds like you're in a phase of your life where you need a lot of resources. Think of ways to use the resources you have and enlist more. I remember it being very stressful early on and I wish you all the best., 💛 I feel this., Yeah, same thing. Weekends really aren’t weekends anymore. It’s just non stop continuous work. We’ve been doing it 7 1/2 years and I feel like it’ll be like this till the day I die., Yesssssssss., I agree! Prozac really helps our daughter., We are going through a period of weekends being rough again. My toddler is in a stage where his major interests are climbing, hiding in tents and under tables, and moving things between containers (which means he has to dump out what already is in the container). I feel as if I have spent all morning cleaning up messes and pulling him off high surfaces. I took him to the indoor playground to get out some of his terrible energy, but he was done after 45 minutes. I stretched it with a scenic drive home and a trip to the shops, but, man, I am dreading the afternoon. There is a sensory bin event at the library that I was feeling lazy to attend, but I think we are going. He can make a mess elsewhere. It is for autistic kids, so I assume they are prepared for chaos.,  I loathe weekends, Wow this sounds super similar to my son, Also, vacations. Remember when you looked forward to PTO??, I totally get it. Even on multiple medications my 10 yo who is severe and nonverbal is in constant motion stimming and making loud sounds all day. Week days are definitely manageable. Weekends and holidays are a nightmare., I can relate so much to you on this. Being a parent in this situation can feel really isolating because of what you described, and I often feel that way too., Do you mind if I ask which medication? My son’s anxiety is making school very difficult., I don’t have quite the same issues as OP but I love this response, I love how you break things down, Initially, Prozac. We started at 5mg daily and went up to 15mg. She's still on it today. Our current psychiatrist has added a very small dose of Xanax, which we give every other day. That has also helped., can I ask what age you gave her prozac? my little guy is 4 and has anxiety, we're seeing a child psychologist but haven't asked about meds yet prob too early?, We started it a few months after she turned 4. Also, psychologists usually don’t prescribe unless they are also an MD. We got our first prescription through a developmental pediatrician. Subsequent ones through a psychiatrist.

I have a 10 month old who I’m suspecting is autistic. And I’ve always suspected I’m autistic but no one believes me. I don’t know how to cope. Any advice is appreciated.

I’m female in my 30s and I’ve always had trouble fitting in/communicating etc. in my mid twenties I realized I likely have autism when I came across symptoms of adult female autism. I’m pretty much 99.9% sure me and my father are undiagnosed autistic. I’ve mentioned it to my husband and a few friends and they brush it off. I’ve never sought a diagnosis because I figured I would be brushed off. And what would a diagnosis get me? To I just continue to struggle making/keeping friends and constantly have anxiety/stress. Fast forward. I have a 10.5month old son. And he seems to be delayed in some areas. He hardly babbles. Hardly makes eye contact. No gestures. Seems obsessed with wheels and things that spin. And I’ve realized he is likely on the spectrum and I’ve just lost it. I’m mourning for him that he will struggle for the rest of his life like I have struggled. And no one understanding. I’ve already signed him up for SLP but it’s a 10 month wait to be seen. I made an appointment with our doctor for me and him because I can’t sleep. I’ve constantly stressed. I can’t stop obsessing about my sons symptoms!! I try to forget about it but I can’t. And I’m not enjoying spending time with him as I’m just trying to help him speak and I’ve been doing sign since he was 5 months old and I feel like I’m wasting my time( I know I’m not) but it’s just so discouraging seeing other babies make leaps and bounds of progress, meanwhile my son hardly acknowledges me most of the time when I try to engage him. I just want to cry all the time. I also think about the future and how much harder it’s going to get and how people will judge my son and maybe judge my parenting and it breaks my heart. Any advice is appreciated. I don’t know how to calm down. I’ve tried to be calm and not worry so much about it but it won’t get out of my head. I can’t stop obsessing about it. I can’t sleep. I’ve been taking Benadryl to knock me out sometimes.

Even if your son turns out to be autistic the spectrum is very broad and so are his potential future scenarios. We know so much more about autism now than earlier, and how to manage it and support autistic people. What is it that scares you most about a possible diagnosis?, Hey OP. A couple of things. 1) This seems like your first kid, likely? They change SO FAST at this age. I'm not saying whether they will or won't ultimately be on the ASD. I knew when my kid was 10 months (before, really) and he's 3.5 now and we were right. I just know the anxiety of being a first time parent and not really understanding the trajectory of how quickly development happens in those first 3 years. 2) Understanding of ASD is exploding right now. There is so much research, so much is changing, public perception is changing, stigma will decrease. If your kid is on the spectrum, it's not a doom sentence to a miserable life. You, yourself, managed to grow up, have a kid (which means you do or did have a partner, you have a job possibly, etc). You managed to get where you are with few or no supports and no adult caring for you that recognized your ASD. Think about what an advantage it will be for your kid to have an adult who sees him, loves him, and gets him the best early interventions, seeks out the best educational environments possible, etc. 3) Unisom is better than Benadryl 😬 4) People will 100% judge your parenting because people can be judgmental assholes. They would do this even if your kid was NT. Take supreme comfort in this! 5) The only thing you can address right now is you. I feel like what the other commenter here was trying to say, albeit succinctly and maybe less warmly, is that you clearly have a lot of stuff going on in re: your own feelings about how you were raised, how you struggle now, worries for your kid, etc. that you CAN address without any intervention for your kid, but rather in seeking out a therapeutic relationship to start to untangle some of that stuff. 5a) The last thing you want to do is helicopter over your son anxiously, sending him all that energy from your body to his. He's fine. He's great. He likes wheels and things that spin. He's doing his thing in the world, being a happy baby, being himself. You have to just let him be himself. Don't make him feel like he's wrong and a bad fit for the world at 10 months old. Babies deserve to just get to be babies, however they do it., So, lots of anxiety around everything thats happening and I wonder if you would benefit from some sort of anti-anxiety medication (it has helped me more than I ever thought it would) and therapy. I used to cry every day and when the doctor mentioned possible anxiety/depression I cried in front of them and they prescribed me Zoloft. I never knew what normalcy was until I started that medication (about two weeks in) and realize - "Oh, i dont have to cry everyday and this actually isn't as big of a deal as I initially thought". Im actually really glad you have picked up on your son's symptoms so early. The key to success is early intervention and getting him the services he needs is the most important thing. I also think once you are able to get some things in motion then your anxiety will feel like its being channeled into something more productive. Where are you located? I work as a psychometrist and I do evals for autism along with a licensed clinical psychologist and I travel all over Georgia for evals., There’s not much of anything that can be done at this point, including any diagnosis or evaluation, but you can start treating your own anxiety., It’s hard but you can’t beat yourself up you didn’t do anything wrong. Mamas (I’m a dad) are too hard on themselves when this occurs. It’s easy to internalize and stress over it but don’t waste your energy by giving this more rent in your head than it deserves. You’re going to make appointments, you’ll figure it out once a diagnosis if any occurs. Your son is young that you will have supports in place before he goes to school. Take it from a parent who’s kids didn’t get diagnosed until 8&10 years old. We feel like we messed up at times but there isn’t a perfect how to guide on raising children who are ASD. We’re navigating the journey it’s not easy but not impossible. The biggest thing is being on the same page with your hubby and know who will be your support system., I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 10 months is so young, but also your instincts are worth paying attention to. I am neurotypical and didn’t recognize signs in my daughter till we were blindsided at an 18-month appointment. So if you’re right, you are already so far ahead of the game. For me, the hardest part so far has been the period right after realizing this might be true. It was actually harder than diagnosis day 6 months later. My daughter is now 2 and diagnosed, but she is doing SO well. She started early intervention at 21 months. Kids can get so much high-quality support. You are doing all the right things! Hugs., You'd benefit from therapy and/or medication for that anxiety. Either your kid is autistic or they are not. If they are autistic and need support, you get them the supports they need. Worrying does nothing and your time is better spent on other pursuits., 1. All kids develop at their own pace 2. You seriously need therapy It's not rare for a parent to compare their child to others on their advancements. And in doing so it incites panic for many as they start thinking something might be wrong with their child (like you). But that isn't always the case, and you need to give things a bit more time before throwing out a suspected diagnoses. Which honestly you shouldn't even be doing as you are not qualified. If your worried talk to your pediatrician and get their advice. And as far as yourself, as I said find a therapist. Even if you don't have ASD you for sure have other things going on that they can help with., None of this sounds abnormal for a child this age... It is WAY too early to diagnose or speculate. Comparing your child to any other child is a not great idea. Every child (typical or not) develop at their own pace. Keep an eye out for developmental delays and what not but don't obsess. And seek therapy for yourself. And if you think you are on the spectrum and having issues (Which it sounds like you are) seek an evaluation and help., So your expectations are unrealistic. My son stopped babbling at 24 months. He is ASD level 2. The don’t pre screen until 18 months. At which time your child should be babbling and hopefully have about ten words. At ten months there is no early diagnosis, children are not developed enough to define any delayed cause unless it’s something more obviously genetic. Your child would literally be missing milestones if there’s a problem. Not the parents of healthy children that complain of “late” milestones. I highly doubt that your autistic, especially if you had no interventional therapies as a child. Clearly your a fully functioning adult that didn’t need interventions to achieve a functioning status. If you suspect you have a problem then go get diagnosed. If getting a diagnosis doesn’t benefit your life then you are 99% probably not Autistic. Disabilities are more severe than you seem to be aware., [deleted], I think I’m worried because the waitlists for intervention/help is long. Not just for SLP but other services as well. And I keep reading everywhere early intervention is key. So it makes me stressed thinking it could be too late. I’m not afraid of the autism but moreso getting help. Also I think it’s about it time I get help and I’ve been worried I’ll be brushed off. I tried therapy once but I think I didn’t have a good one. And I suck at communicating my issues which doesn’t help., Hey. Thanks. This was helpful. You’re making me tear up with that last point., I’m in Ontario. I think that’s what I’m worried about. Is not getting the support we need early on. I am highly suspicious something is off but he’s met most of his other milestones so I’m worried we will be brushed off. Saying oh it just takes time. Then not getting early intervention until he is past 2 because the waitlist for these things can be months to years here., Thank you so much for your comment. Lol too bad that how to guide doesn’t exist… I didn’t mention in my post but we have always wanted two kids. Well my husband for sure wants 2 but I’m now questioning it. If my son is autistic, he might need more care and attention. And I already feel stretched thin. I definitely won’t right now but I don’t know what state I’ll be in in the future.. maybe he would benefit from a sibling too. But that sibling very well might be autistic as well. Do your children get along?, Wow….ok.. Autism is a spectrum. I’m just less on the spectrum. And I’ve struggled my whole life. I have been able to mask a lot but because of that I have stress and anxiety to the point where I can’t sleep which makes everything worse. Yes i might be level 1 and semi functioning but it is still challenging and causes tension with others. And I have very few friends. And I second guess everything I say and do and ruminate all night long about social interactions and other stresses. And now I fear my son will have the same challenges. If not worse. So yes I need help and maybe my kid will too. No need to be so hostile., I have pretty much all the symptoms of autism, specifically the symptoms that present in autistic female adults. Every test I take says I’m likely on the spectrum. And I’ve struggled my whole life with a lot of different things and always thought I was different somehow. And I also struggled as a child. I was tested for delays when I was young but passed the tests. I don’t think mild autism was tested for, and also I’m female so it got missed because it presents differently. I’m also gifted/high intelligence so I think it covered up my issues somewhat. I only realized this a few years ago what I might actually have is autism. I always thought it was add but it didn’t quite fit. Or maybe I have both, who knows. I brought it up to my family and a few close friends and my husband but they all brushed it off. But eventually my mom said she thinks my dad might be autistic, which I already figured he might be. He has even more autistic traits than me. But they all just brush me off. So I don’t delve too deeply into it. I figure the same thing might happen if I seek a diagnosis. And if I do get a diagnosis I know I’ll be judged, and people won’t believe it because there is a lack of understanding what it’s like to be mildly autistic and also I try to hide it (which is stressful). So I probably wouldn’t even disclose it to most people. It would be more so I can get tailored therapy. Maybe I’ll just find a therapist that deals with autism and see if they can help me even without the diagnosis., Early intervention really gets hyped in the US and I have seen many parents online stress out about wait lists. While EI can be beneficial there is no scientific support it being something that cannot be made up later. I have seen some articles/ discussions into EI turning into an industry with own agenda in the US. For perspective in many countries, such as Sweden where I live, interventions aren't anywhere as pronounced and/or and early as in the US. Your child is still very young and most will not even be on the radar for diagnosis by that age so by getting them on the wait list now you are already setting them up for receiving the help they will benefit from. > I tried therapy once but I think I didn’t have a good one Finding a good therapist is really hard. it's not uncommon to have to try several therapists until you find one you click with. Don't give up!, I’d say that if he is autistic then a professional will most definitely pick up on it. You said he’s obsessed with spinning things - does this make up the majority of his time? Is it a repetitive behavior? Also, the earliest anyone will test for autism here is 18 months old so they may push you off saying he’s too young but stay steadfast and keep pushing for what you think is best. Eventually, they HAVE to hear you., My kids get along, they also fight so typical siblings. They are both level 1 so super high functioning, thus the reason why they got diagnosed later especially my youngest COVID made it hard because everything was so hosed up with schooling. In terms of having another that's up to you and the hubby. Personally you have time to make that decision after you get your son screened. It will also give you time to see how he interacts with the world around him. Then make the decision if you both have the bandwidth to handle another child. Right now your concern is the well being of yourself and your son along with the relationship with your husband. If there is one spot I know I could have been better was supporting my wife because she had a huge burden placed on her. I know it sounds like a messed up analogy but its like when the masks drop in the airplane, You need to help yourself before you can help others, she didn't get to do that. You need to make sure you have some time to recoup/reflect/re-energize. Unless the little one is constantly having tantrums take those opportunities if someone will watch him to take some time for yourself because if he is on the spectrum it'll be harder to get someone who is willing to watch them., I hear you! I never had therapies or delays as a child and I believe after my daughter was diagnosed I am likely also autistic. My struggles look much different than my daughter's but it doesn't mean I haven't struggled. I've lived my entire life knowing I was different but not knowing why and being absolutely rittled with anxiety. I am extremely burnt out due to a life time of masking and not understanding myself. It's normal not to want your child to struggle. I am sorry you are going through this but just know you aren't alone!, Please stop self diagnosing. It’s very dismissive of anyone with a disability. Typically disabilities like autism are so much more pronounced in childhood. They absolutely had early intervention in the eighties and the schools even evaluated children back then. If you suspect that you have a disability then get diagnosed until then it’s a suspected diagnosis. I am a learning disabled individual and am so tired I hearing fully functioning adults claim they have just have the mild version. The mild version of a developmental type disability is obvious. It absolutely isn’t mild in early childhood. My “Mild” disability gets pointed out to me by multiple teachers throughout my educational journey. Including at the college level. They literally pull me aside no matter how hard I hide my struggles. I usually got straight A grades but the point is a mild disability doesn’t make it to adulthood unnoticed., Ok that makes me feel a bit better And yea I’m going to give therapy another go. Try someone else., Anything that can spin he usually tries to spin it. He does crawl around and pull himself up on stuff. And put lots of stuff in his mouth. But he does spend a lot of time spinning things if it’s there. He also has zero separation anxiety which seems odd. Yea I don’t think they will diagnose before 18 months. I wonder if there is anything I could do at home to help his speech. I talk to him and read to him. He doesn’t usually look at me when I talk though., Ok. Yea I’ll take the time to help myself. I think that’s what I need. Thank you., Thank you! It honestly feels refreshing knowing i am not alone. If you have any tips or advice let me know. I just reached out to a therapist today and one of their specialties is autism. I’m nervous to talk to someone about this but I have some hope it might help me. Have you talked to a therapist or professional about this?, I’d say to keep doing what you’re doing and try to work in some visual aids too. Also reinforce behaviors you want to see more with rewards as best you can. You’re doing great with staying on top of everything. Take a moment to realize that you are one person and you can only do so much. What matters in the end is your son has a parent that will fight for him., I’m in Ontario and if he is not doing any gestures, pointing being the biggest red flag for autism since it doesn’t need to be taught technically it by 12 months, he’s not doing any gestures has no eye contact, does. It try to mimic you, cannot be comforted by you, Doesn’t look at you for approval or bring you things he’s interested in, those are some red flags. If he takes an object and flips it and doesn’t have interest in playing with the object and just want to spin it, that’s a warning sign, No pointing or gestures yet. He’s only 10 months though. He does mimic bouncing. And this weird noise he can make. He very very rarely babbles and besides that doesn’t mimic anything. He hardly looks back at me, even when I call his name multiple times. He might look like 10-20% of the time. Briefly. I try to get him to give me toys but he doesn’t. He’s never really looked at me for approval. Maybe once or twice? If that’s what it was. With toys he flips things and puts them in his mouth. And if it can spin/has tires he tries to. He’s literally crawled across the room to dirty wheels on the bottom of tables in rooms full of toys and people. He does it every time we go to an early on lol. So I’m guessing he’s on the spectrum. Actually I think he started waving today. It’s super cute. He won’t really mimic it much but he seems to be waving at me sometimes. And he waved at the dog lol. Unless it’s hand flapping. Which it might be., Hmm still too early, but here are some resources https://www.readingrockets.org/topics/autism-spectrum-disorder/articles/16-early-signs-autism-16-months https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WRRF4NZB3WQ&pp=ygUSQXV0aXNtIGVhcmx5IHNpZ25z, Thank you. He also has had bilateral hydronephrosis since he was in the womb and still hasn’t gone away. Which I just realized is another marker for autism.

I have a hard time telling people my son is non speaking among other things...

I have a few co-workers that are sweet and will ask how my son is doing in school and things like that. I tell them he's doing well, thank you for asking, so on and so forth. Half of them don't know he's autistic let alone non verbal, not potty trained ect... He'll be 7 soon and I never know how to react to basic questions. When we get invited to birthday parties and stuff it's just awkward and I feel like we're in the way, he's running everywhere and not enjoying the things that the other kids are, he's playing in the dirt away from everyone lol Can anyone relate?

Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., Hey there, I'm not hiding my son and I'm not ashamed of him, I'm sorry the post read that way. I was just trying to get advice about how to go about the natural every day questions from coworkers without going to in depth about our whole lives. I don't see these people outside of work except for the occasional birthday party we might get invited to. They tell me about theirs going to basketball play offs and what not so I just want to respond accordingly when they ask about school and what mine wants to be when he grows up ECT. I don't know what I was wanting to hear, thank you for your honesty., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., Hey there, I'm not hiding my son and I'm not ashamed of him, I'm sorry the post read that way. I was just trying to get advice about how to go about the natural every day questions from coworkers without going to in depth about our whole lives. I don't see these people outside of work except for the occasional birthday party we might get invited to. They tell me about theirs going to basketball play offs and what not so I just want to respond accordingly when they ask about school and what mine wants to be when he grows up ECT. I don't know what I was wanting to hear, thank you for your honesty., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., Hey there, I'm not hiding my son and I'm not ashamed of him, I'm sorry the post read that way. I was just trying to get advice about how to go about the natural every day questions from coworkers without going to in depth about our whole lives. I don't see these people outside of work except for the occasional birthday party we might get invited to. They tell me about theirs going to basketball play offs and what not so I just want to respond accordingly when they ask about school and what mine wants to be when he grows up ECT. I don't know what I was wanting to hear, thank you for your honesty., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., Hey there, I'm not hiding my son and I'm not ashamed of him, I'm sorry the post read that way. I was just trying to get advice about how to go about the natural every day questions from coworkers without going to in depth about our whole lives. I don't see these people outside of work except for the occasional birthday party we might get invited to. They tell me about theirs going to basketball play offs and what not so I just want to respond accordingly when they ask about school and what mine wants to be when he grows up ECT. I don't know what I was wanting to hear, thank you for your honesty., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., Hey there, I'm not hiding my son and I'm not ashamed of him, I'm sorry the post read that way. I was just trying to get advice about how to go about the natural every day questions from coworkers without going to in depth about our whole lives. I don't see these people outside of work except for the occasional birthday party we might get invited to. They tell me about theirs going to basketball play offs and what not so I just want to respond accordingly when they ask about school and what mine wants to be when he grows up ECT. I don't know what I was wanting to hear, thank you for your honesty., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!, Most of this is just small talk, and there's no need to explain anything. They probably want an opportunity to tell you about their *own* child, so just ask about that. In cases where an explanation is helpful, I tend to say things like, "He has difficulty with speech." or "He's on his own timeline." or "It's difficult for him to cope with things outside of his routine." Before I had an autistic child, people would sometimes mention that their kid was autistic- and I had no idea what I was supposed to infer from that. So, I try to be specific and offer some guidance when I'm talking about my own child., I don't keep my sons quirks a secret. It makes invites to social events easier. We warn everyone that he doesn't like certain things(singing the happy Birthday song is the absolute worst). If we are open and honest about things, then if/when someone tries to judge your kid for not behaving "normally", you know they are an @** and avoid them in the future. We have been pretty lucky, people have been very accepting and we've come across others, like my husband's coworkers who also have ASD children and they can't do many social gatherings either. My son doesn't have his own friends, he's in kinder, but even his big brother's middle school school friends are super awesome about my little one's behavior. It is what it is. When we go to the grocery store, there are a couple ND workers who zone in on my kiddo and it's always fun to see them get excited and interact with my son too. I guess we just try to treat our son's differences as normal. He's level 3 ASD so pretty obviously ND., I find that people really pick up on how *I* seem to feel about it and respond accordingly. If I’m matter-of-fact and unfazed about his autistic traits, then people seem to respond in kind. If I seem worried or ashamed, then people act as if it’s worrisome or shameful. I don’t bring up his neurotype if it’s not relevant, but often it is — I.e. “how was your trip to Disneyland?” “Well, it turns out It’s a Small World is a sensory nightmare”, You don't need to explain your son! My 14 year old daughter has autism. The only time I need to speak for her is to scared because they are hopeless. I love hearing that he wants to play in the dirt! He is maybe over stimulated by crowds, noise, and other things. Your boy is amazing! Don't worry about other people!! Just enjoy and get to know your son. Take care, I personally haven’t been in this situation bc I am a stay at home parent, but I can tell you you’re not alone. My husband’s job is doing bring your kids to work for half the day and of course my husband is nervous, our son is 4 and uses AAC., My child doesn't get invited to birthday parties, because they know she is autistic. She is often the only one in her class to not be invited., I never know what to say either. I don’t even know if I should say ‘he’s autistic’ or ‘he has autism’ both seem such an ugly way of describing my wonderful son who is 1000 times more than a label or diagnosis. If it’s coworkers I usually don’t even mention the autism and just talk about my son or redirect and ask about their kids., We paid a small fortune for my son to go to daycare for a few hours for a few days a week. We thought it would help with his communication. It lasted two weeks before we got the call that he could not come back. It wasn’t that he was disruptive or mean, he just did his own thing, and they did not have the resources for one person to watch him since he wouldn’t do group activities., You're not obligated to share anything with anyone, never feel like you have to. It's absolutely fine to just nod and smile and move on. These are your colleagues, that's all, you can give as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable. BUT do ask yourself *why* you don't share it. Is it to avoid the annoying sympathy, the 'oh I'm sorry to hear that', the little worried head tilts, the well-meaning 'ah my friend's second cousin's colleague has an autistic kid so I completely understand'... Or - is it because you've not come to terms with the differences yourself, you're somehow ashamed, scared of judgement? Because if the latter, best advice I can give is set that feeling aside and just shout it from the rooftops: "my kid is autistic and also, they're fucking awesome!". You never know, you might just find your people that way - the other autism parents, the ones who just get it. 😊, We are just honest and say our Little guy has level 3 ASD and is non-verbal. Our normal looks much different then everyone elses as a special needs family., I say they are on the spectrum. Its Autism Acceptance month. But I don't make myself out to be a "autism mom" either. I don't go into crazy specifics. Buy enough to make them stop asking stupid shit, lol. "They are non verbal but you know, we are working on it lol" or deflect on their kids. Or, I say they have an IEP. Other parents who's kids have one know what that means and will usually say my kid has one too etc. Usually people stop asking lol, I often times will mentions a few things my son loves doing or is good at, then mention some of the things he struggles with ( communication) then it feels very casual saying he’s autistic after that. I don’t feel obligated to share with everyone we meet but if they’re friends or coworkers you have a Relationship with you might want to let them know. They might even have a family member with autism and you could feel less alone in the situation. Or they start to learn about autism and then your less alone ❤️, I’ve been upfront with colleagues about our little one. It sets their expectations and I like to think it helps educate them. I don’t apologise but I will explain that we’d love to go etc, but as he is ND, just to expect he’ll prob need extra support/don’t be surprised if he’s not a fan of face painting or something Edit to add: I do feel uncomfortable though. I’m hyper aware that I want to normalise ND life and I don’t want to feel like I’m apologising or “explaining” for my son. I try to respond to day to day convos like this: E.g. Judy: oh Tom can get so annoying with his constant requests now that he’s 2! Last week he demanded we go to the park everyday! Is (insert my son’s name) the same ? Me: oh yeh! It’s a little different because he’s ND so he’s non verbal but he does the same in different ways. 100% he’s more demanding -this week he has been obsessed with the first 5 seconds of Lion King so guess what I’ve been watching all weekend!, We have a nonverbal level 3 almost 9 year old son. I’m a SAHM, so I don’t have colleagues, but I’m an open book in general, so if I had coworkers they’d probably know. My old colleagues know, but they’re also my friends, and when they’ve invited us to bring our son while visiting, they’ve been nothing but kind and willing to accommodate us. I don’t know if the people in our lives are just fantastic people, or if people in general will rise to the occasion if you let them, but everyone we know personally has been lovely. It’s been strangers who’ve been ugly, but even then, it hasn’t been that many. I’ve had people in the store pull faces and ask “what’s wrong with him” when he’s freaking out, and when I explain he has autism and is upset because he’s overwhelmed, they’ve immediately become understanding and done things to help us. My husband doesn’t/didn’t really share with colleagues or old friends about our son’s Dx, however when he has, we’ve received support and inclusion that would’ve never happened had he not said something. We have a a single older friend who invites us to his time share yearly and gives us our own area so our son can have a private space to decompress. My MIL takes courses on autism and started volunteering at an autism school just to learn more about it when we lived far away from her. I’ve had an old friend open up about his own autism Dx, another friend who keeps her son’s Dx quiet confide in me, and yet another good friend who we’ve always suspected is autistic realize he’s probably autistic because of our son. I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of our story., NGL or downplay- it reads you're ashamed of your son. You clearly see him as negative and avoid talking about him- his potty, communication, sensory rhythm and issues. I'm all for not over sharing.....you're purposefully witholding. It'll be a total shock and make people readjust who you are to them socially if they find out, years later, your child is disabled and you failed to mention it *even once*. It's one thing if your job is a temp job. If this is your forever career than these co-workers provide *a lot more* social needs than you realize. Bonding happens over sharing about your family etc. To *never* mention taking your son to therapy, a Dr.'s appointment, IEP meeting etc. takes effort. I'm a manager. Just by talking to other managers about scheduling my son's appointments will come up... You're hiding your son., These are useful things to say. Thank you. I also use “We don’t know what his future will look like.” That one communicates the true gravity in a way that people seem to receive with kindness and empathy., Thank you for these tips. Yes, mostly small talk but when it gets deeper I feel the need to explain xxx, Thank you for you comment, I'm so happy that your have a good environment around you and your children. Your right, honesty is probably the best policy. Hugs., I like this way of thinking, thank you for this xxx, Thank you for the positive feedback friend, much love xxx, Awe, I can see how that would be a little nerve wracking...I wish you lots of luck!!! You and your husband aren't alone either ❤️, That's really terrible and I'm sorry friend xxx, Yes, same here. I'm so bad at small talk anyways so this makes it really awkward lol I have a painting my son did on my desk and someone asked who made it and I said my son. They asked how old he was and if he enjoyed painting and I said yes, he loves it and that he is nearly 7. Now, the painting is really a bunch of scribbles in different colors with some glitter here and there, I'm proud of it so I brought it to work. But I do feel like they wonder why a 7 seven year old is still scribbling and I don't really know how or if I should elaborate. It's tricky., Wow, this resonates so much with where we are right now. I hope you have an easier road ahead friend, thank you xxx, Omg yes. thanks for the encouragement and for the chuckle, it was needed xxx, I needed the day off work one time for an IEP meeting at the school and my boss looked at me with a blank face and asked what IEP meant lol I just said he needs more work in certain areas, didn't go into too much detail. I really hate the term "autism mom" lol, Your so sweet thank you friend xxx, Haha, I love this! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️, I couldn’t disagree with this more. It’s absolutely up to this parent whether they want to divulge certain details about their beautiful child. They’re not required to explain their child to anyone. If people make assumptions, you’re not required to correct them if it means you have to talk about anyone’s mental or physical health. You should never feel pressured to share information about yourself or your loved ones if you don’t want to. If people make assumptions, it’s not up to you to correct them if you don’t feel like it., Hey there, I'm not hiding my son and I'm not ashamed of him, I'm sorry the post read that way. I was just trying to get advice about how to go about the natural every day questions from coworkers without going to in depth about our whole lives. I don't see these people outside of work except for the occasional birthday party we might get invited to. They tell me about theirs going to basketball play offs and what not so I just want to respond accordingly when they ask about school and what mine wants to be when he grows up ECT. I don't know what I was wanting to hear, thank you for your honesty., I interview people as part of my job, and sometimes you chat casually after the interview, and I once mentioned to a doctor I had interviewed that my kid was autistic (I was about to explain that a lot of kids in his class had difficulty with masks for COVID and that it had added to my anxiety about him going to school during a surge) and he immediately said “oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” I replied brightly, “there’s nothing to be sorry about!” And he immediately pivoted to “oh yes, they’re remarkable kids aren’t they”, That was meant to say school not scared🤦‍♀️. Our kids need to adjust for society. Society is not going to adjust for them. Your son is unique, he is amazing! Your doing ok! Don't feel worried about what anyone else thinks! Thats their problem. X, Thank you!🫶🏽, Thanks. It was hard in the preschool-kindergarden-1st grade, since I knew that it was the parents organizing the parties, and so it was the parent's decision. I later met a ton of wonderful parents of disabled kids (autistic L2 & L3, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, quadriplegic, etc). They had similar experiences. Exclusion is the norm, and it is the parents doing it. But now we have plenty of friends with disable kids who are always welcoming and welcome. [https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/](https://themighty.com/topic/disability/child-disability-not-invited-birthday-party/), Your very sweet, thank you friend xxx, I don't disagree with 'not correcting coworker comments'. I said based on OP's comments and title he is *actively hiding his son*. There is a significant difference, IMO. I love and proudly embrace my son's level 3 ASD diagnosis, with his Global Developmental Delay (formally now as mental retardation). My son is *severely disabled*; the max diagnosis and checked boxes possible. OP is embarrassed of his son and hides him. That's sad. I feel for his son., Do you want a cookie? Parenting is different for everyone. That absolutely did not give she is embarrassed. Get over yourself!, I was really trying to AVOID sounding embarrassed or ashamed but I guess my post came off the wrong way. Thank you for your comment., I totally get it! I just had a birthday party where my son just wanted to sit at the top of the slide and throw his bunny down when other kids were trying to go down😂🤦‍♀️ He also just started speaking but doesn’t really interact with other kids as much. Do not feel bad at all. We all have been there before!

I have a non verbal level 3 5yo girl. I accept exactly who she is and don't need it to change or get better. I just wanna know if my baby girl will ever talk to me.

I am in the same situation with my 3.5 yo son. I love him so much. I just wish I could hear him to say “I love you, dada.” I hope it will happen for us., Many people who have autism can stay nonverbal most or even their whole life, but a large number of those find other ways to "speak". A common form of this is in writing or sign language! So even if they don't phsycially speak, there's still a good chance of being told they love you:), Of course noone can tell you for sure but my friends level 3 son never said a single word until almost 7 years old he suddenly said "Thank you" clear as day and in the right context. He has made slow progress since then and a few years on he has now said "I love you" to his mum and dad. I like to think all is never lost ❤️, My son is nonverbal and 11years old. He will more than likely never speak. However he says the cutest things to me on his AAC device. And gives me snuggles and kisses. I can see in his eyes how much he loves me. So I am happy. Trust me it took me years to grieve what I thought motherhood would look like. But it gets better with time. Atleast in my experience., it’s possible. i have a stepbrother who was entirely nonverbal up until 8 i think. he’s in college right now, She might. It's happened before. Temple Grandin started talking around 5 or 6 I think and she's a famous ASD speaker now. You might wanna watch her speak., Don't give up. That's the main thing, I came into a similar situation, therapy, positive shows and learning on YouTube ,and just working with them was what eventually did the trick, son still delayed but doing better each day. There are so many resources now a days hang in there🙏 hope this helps, my daugter was mostly nonverbal until 4ish, she could say some words but now shes 6 and can express her wants and needs, answer yes and no questions. not fully conversational but its a lot better., Language is more than words, eye contact and body language can communicate so much. The way my son lights up when he sees me, lets me and everyone else around know that I’m his whole world. The way my super independent daughter will climb into my lap and nuzzle me for cuddles, lets me know how much she loves me and how connected we are. Validate and reinforce the eye contact and body language your kiddo does show you. When they go in for a cuddle, respond “I love you, too.” You might be surprised one day when they say it back., No one can say for sure. But she is probably telling you things all the time, in her own way. Including that she loves you., My son was non verbal at the age of 4 before starting ABA and talks constantly all the time now he turned 5 in February. Not advising ABA or anything just telling you what worked for him. Parents please believe me when I say your child absolutely wants to communicate with you, and it frustrates them that they cannot express themselves properly. As hard as it is for us, imagine not being able to talk to your parents to tell them how you feel. Find something your kid loves… my son it was the paw patrol character names. Practice makes perfect, any type of practice leads to experience. Pick up on sounds, “words”, imitations etc that they do and try to use it to connect to them I think it goes a long way to get on their level from time to time., There are so many ways to tell others you love them. My 3 years old autistic dude hug me, kiss me on the lips, and sometimes sayyyy “ahhhhh” to fake scare me (it’s what we do at night to tired him out) then we both laugh about it., My son didn't speak until the age of 6. Was considered what in my country is the equivalent of level 3 up until the age of 5. I have just waved him off to school. Regular school, where nobody even knows he is autistic. Our legend is that he is "just shy". He will never be neurotypical and I am OK with that but he is a happy 10-year-old with decent grades (writing essays is still a HUGE struggle, but we are working on it). My 4.5 year old is still mostly nonverbal and I have to remind myself every day to be patient. 3.5 is a very tough age for children on the spectrum and their parents. Therapy always helps at least to some extent. Good luck and hugs to you and you kiddo. There is always hope!, Look into spellers- communication for nonspeakers. There's a movie called spellers inspired by a book called underestimated by a young man named Jamie &his dad JB Handley. He had been nonverbal& learned to communicate. I have a son who just turned 25 on the spectrum. Although he's not non verbal he has alot of trouble communicating& doesn't say much. Hope it may give some help or at least hope., She talks to you now just not in the same way as everyone else, you just need to listen with your heart and not your ears, yup sounds totally cliche but let me give you a few examples from my 12yo non verbal son He pushes his check towards my face = I want a kiss He pushes on my chest = tickle time! Let's play! He puts his head against my stomach = I want cuddles He pushes the paw patrol tattoo on my arm= I want to watch the ipad. These are all things he says without speaking. I know it's not easy to come to terms with the fact your little girl may never say mama/dada but it makes it a little easier when I turn off my ears to listen to my son. Oh and as a extra FU my 12 year old babbles gaga ookie to his dad which is dada cookie 🍪 lmao!, My son turned four a couple months ago and he’s now starting to put words together and small sentences… he actually talks quite a bit now just not how a NT would, Maybe but maybe not, communication is a whole lot more than just speaking., We were non verbal until around 3 or 3.5 . Now. We have words, but it still can be low communication at time. He only talks to get what he needs. Hugs mama, We were in the same boat my son used to grunt to communicate and then one fine day (he was then 3 years old) the word just came in ,it was magical.We prayed and prayed and also I gave him omega 3.6.9 that was the catalyst his brain needed.He still has a long road ahead and we know that we will keep supporting him no matter what. I just want to tell you not to lose hope.., Thanks everyone for the encouragement. We do have communication now, she likes to grab my face and put her lips to my forehead telling me she loves me. She will grab my hand and pull me to the kitchen when she wants a bottle or is hungry. She lifts up her shirt when she wants to be tickled. She understands several words. I've heard her repeat words to me clearly, but won't do it again. A few weeks ago I woke her up for school and said good morning to her and as clear as day she said it back, but never again. We are lucky for her school, they have classes specifically for autistic children, she started about 4 months ago. She goes half day, and will stay in the preschool class next year. She's in ST and OT each once a week. I'm so thankful for all the resources we have to help her., My son was non-verbal at that age, but now speaks well at 9 y.o. Each child is different, though., I didn’t speak a word until I was 3, but when I did finally speak it was in complete sentences. Without the benefits of positive social feedback, I’ve never felt any motivation for small talk or speaking at all really, unless it is conveying a specific meaning. Until I was confident that what I might say would be understood, there didn’t seem to be a point. If I don’t feel my meaning will be heard/understood/taken seriously, I have no hesitancy to pack up my words and go home. I feel each word I speak is valuable, and anyone who doesn’t appreciate their significance isn’t worth my time or energy. It sounds like your daughter may have a similar relationship to words, but she’s obviously able to communicate her feelings and desires, so I’d consider that a very good sign., Our son didn't say much until he was 5.5 and we were shocked. My husband almost cried cause he said "I love you" to him., Y’all will find a way to communicate that works for you both. It might not be in a way you imagined, but it will be impactful and important nonetheless. I promise., [deleted], To give you some hope that its possible. My son who had only said “mmmm” and “no” started speaking at 4- that was six months ago and now speaks in simple three word sentences., Don’t lose hope!! My friend’s son was nonverbal until he was 8 and then one day he came into the kitchen and was like “What’s for lunch?” You never know, Mama!!, I have a nonverbal level 3 5-year-old boy. I feel exactly the same way you do. Everything about him is great! But I do wish I could hear words from him eventually. But he does say I love you in his own way. It's a little noise that sounds like "goon" and then he'll kiss me on the arm or leg., How's her receptive language? How's her cognitive development? How's her joint attention? Important question before we can give you a projection, although no one knows for sure., My 3.5 yr old daughter is nonverbal also. I have hope that she’ll talk one day! There are SOOO many kiddos who don’t talk til after 4! Personally, I find it most challenging when she’s sick and can’t tell me how she’s feeling…Also not gonna lie the thought of never hearing my sweet baby say I love you mommy breaks my heart…, My child was non verbal until the age of 5. We also weren't able to toilet train him and his only IEP goal was to respond to his name after three attempts which he didn't achieve. His teacher got tired of changing his diapers so she approved an at home ABA provider for 3 months. He immediately started responding and we picked up on what they were doing. He even asked me a question after a month of the program. It was like he was a different person. He had been in various programs since he was two with little to no improvement. After 3 months the ABA provider said he was graduated and didn't need anymore. We got a better ABA agency and later got them place in school which was a lot of work. That was 15 years ago. Today he is a junior at a major university and lives on his own. I talk to him a few times a week., My 3 year old has just started saying words that she learned from her learning videos. She only repeats words when she feels like it but I tell her I love you every night before bed and one day she just said it back. I cried because she would always just stare at me when I talk to her or she’d hide under the blankets. She is in speech therapy but it’s hit or miss because she only does it when she wants to., My daughter only has ONE spoken word and it’s “Mama”. ❤️, Yes! I just completed the Hanen More Than Words program for my daughter and it was really eye-opening, there was so much communication I was discounting because it wasn't verbal. We've just started learning sign language and suddenly my daughter is expressing herself directly! We both still have a lot to learn but I'm so thrilled with the immediate results., Congratulations❤️, Wow please tell us more about your stepbrothers journey, Wow that’s amazing and inspirational! Gives a lotta parents hope!, So true that's why so many have the meltdowns&act out. They are in there&know exactly what's going on.I believe they very much want to communicate just something is going on that dsnt allow them too., I love this. Can you tell me more about your ABA journey? What approached worked for you guys and hours. My non verbal 2.5 yo is loving but the fact he can’t talk to me makes me desparate to get the right ABA, Absolutely 100% I can see the frustration in my little girl sometimes when she wants to communicate something to me!!!, My daughter is also in a special preschool for autistic children she has ot and speech and I really think her having started therapy at a young age has been so beneficial (started ot and speech therapy right after she turned 2) and they let us know things in their own way as you said! I do hope one day we both hear I love you from our little ones!, My uncle also did this, as well as one of my kids. My uncle was four and they overheard their completely non verbal child "practicing" sentences on his own in his bedroom. A bit later, he started speaking to them. He's an engineer in a research field now, with a wife, two adult kids he was super involved in raising. One of my kids went from "severe delay" and not even babbling to being a chatterbox within a year. Another didn't speak much until 3 but now is in therapy for some speech impediment issues but isn't verbally delayed otherwise. I can't promise OP that your kid will speak verbally on a regular basis, ever. But they will communicate if you pay attention. It's hard to predict now, so my advice is to meet them where they are instead of getting too focused on an expectation for the future. Get the AAC tablet, work on signs, give them that connection. My kiddo with the longest delay connected first with sign and some pictures, and I think it helped him want to try to talk because the sign made that social aspect of communication click. He got the give and take before he tried even babbling. He only ever had about twenty signs, because each one was work, but he used them more and more. They're still the fallback if he's having a less verbal day., ❤️❤️❤️, I actually think that's better than saying the words and not knowing what it means or meaning it. You know it comes from the heart., Congratulations, My son is verbal now, but for us was the first time he ever signed 'done' for something non-food related (We hadn't ever used it at anytime but meal time, but he made the connection and used it to tell us he didn't want to be held) and it felt like a moment of realization. Like we will be able to communicate if not the way I imagined., i don’t actually know a lot about his journey sadly because i’ve never gotten to meet him in person and i’ve only gotten to know him through my stepmom and stepsiblings. i know he’s in college right now, he was a my little pony fan as a kid, and he didn’t talk until 8, Another way I've also experienced communicating that I forgot to add is pictures ! Whether it be the kind of picture cards your kid uses to communicate where they pick a card out with the meanings. So you could potentially try flash cards that are kept on a Keychain, where it has like an apple pictured and it says eat, or a picture of hands over ears asking to be quiet. And drawings! Some are just trying so desperately, and art is the only way they can express! (obviously not for every individual, but some!) So pay attention to the drawings if they like to do little doodles a lot! I've seen a lot of children drawings where parents didn't even think about it and was dismissed, but it was the child drawings out things that happened during their day, like at school or things they did to try and communicate but the average neurotypical just finds it hard to comprehend different ways of expression. Which is also definitely understandable! Not bashing neurotypical parents! It's hard to understand a condition you don't have, especially when the person who has it doesn't understand it themselves either, and professionals don't understand it half the time, being so many options and guessing games to just try and see if anything works since everyone who has autism is so different. So the struggles may be real for the parents and the child, but don't be hard on yourselves when EVERYONE is trying to figure it out <3

I have questions about My SO two autistic children.

My SO has two autistic children. One is 5 almost 6 and the other is 4 (both males). First off I have learned quite a bit about autism in the last year of dating her and I still feel like I don't know a God damn thing. Secondly I also feel like my SO uses her kids having autism as a crutch for them. Not all the time with most things. So just to get into it briefly, the 5yo has progressed quite a bit in the last 14 months I've known him. He just started using sentences. "What are you doing" where are you going. So when he asks these questions though I will answer and I honestly feel like he has no idea what the hell I'm saying which is fine. Another thing he does is if I ask him a question like "hey what are you doing?" He will respond with something like a bunch of gibberish then one or two words like Mario. So obviously I know he said Mario but what's going on with all the gibberish to begin with and Mario won't be on the TV and we won't be playing Mario so it's almost like completely random. He's a good kid but he doesn't listen the best but also My SO is far from strict. For instance if we go in public he will be bouncing around or running ahead or doing things of that nature, and there is absolutely no consequences for him. That is unless she gets very pissed but most the time nothing which obviously makes it okay in his head and why would he stop right. I would like some advice on how to handle that situation. Because talking to the child does nothing. He does respond well to punishment like a swat on the butt, although my SO RARELY does it and that is like her golden child. I would just like some advice. She also has a 4 yo and boy he is something. He barely speaks even words at all and only if he wants To. No rhyme or reason just if he wants to, but he never shuts up. He's constantly whooooing and haaa in just random noise. Doesn't listen hardly at all. And any discipline I've tried or she tries doesn't work at all. He actually likes spankings. He laughs at them and we aren't trying to actually whoop him. Any advice on that would be welcome. Ways to correct these children when they misbehave???? Also is everything I'm saying normal when it comes to autism. I haven't even scratched the surface but I'm just curious. Another thing is they run into things and jump around and are loud and she says it's how they regulate? Is thay true? And is there another way to other than slamming on the floor and jumping on the furniture? And my SO is a wonderful mom and has alot on her plate obviously but we are having a child of our own in a couple months and I need help understanding them and learning how to deal with certain issues and obstacles? EDIT. WOAH I never said I am hitting these kids. I think I should've typed this whole thing out much proper instead of jumping all over the place. These kids have been in both Speech and OT their whole life along with ABA. And when I'm asking for how to correct them and then proper punishments I'm asking for when they are MISBEHAVING. NOT BREATHING. This is my fault because I have reread everything and I made this post late after work one night and I guess it does sound like it's all about "fixing" them. I'm asking about Proper ways to discipline, I'm asking if some of the instances I've said they do and behave like is normal for autism and maybe a little explanation behind it. Which some of you have. Also the 4 year old attacks kids smaller Than himself face. Like he will claw at it pretty good and with this baby coming into the world I'm very nervous about that because I will become very livid with him and I'm trying to understand and avoid that. The noises don't bother me unless it's slamming on the ground constantly. Other than that it's completely okay. This post should've been better typed and layed out much better which is my fault and I'll correct that tomorrow. Anyone saying I'm bad or in the wrong yall clearly don't see im asking for advice and affirmation and just overall knowledge to better help me and these kids. As far as the spanking thing goes. I was spanked and guess what I love My mom more than anyone on planet earth. Sometimes a kid needs a spanking. Its not like this is an every day occurrence. But it just seems like the only discipline they receive is the occasional spank or go to their room and I feel like their has to be more and I'm going to show her these as well. An instance where I believe some punishment is when * the kid gets into the fridge and throws all the eggs on the ground any time he can. Like that's his life mission to do so. Another thing. The younger one likes to play by this ledge in the house and he's literally going to kill himself and he just won't stop. What should we do?

As to your two questions at the end of your edit : 1 - For the eggs problem, unfortunately until they grow out of it, or begin to understand complex conversations, he will continue to do this as a sensory thing. He loves to do it and doesn't understand and cannot understand why it is wrong. So the solution is to restrict access, you need a fridge lock. 2- The ledge problem is something my family also had, we had a banister at the top of our stairs that he liked to throw things over and watch and listen to them crash at the bottom. It was only a matter of time before it was himself, so we literally had to build a wall. Some 2 by 4's and some drywall fixed the problem. It wasn't super expensive, and is kind of tacky, but we can tear it down when he is older. If you are renting and cannot do something similar , maybe some removable plexiglass? This is a situation that is so dire that you could pull the "disability card" on your landlord and he would have no choice. Thank you for your edit, May I suggest that instead of re-editing when you have time tomorrow to simply start a new thread. This one was useful its own way, and lurkers who were not able to post themselves might have learned something. Every post has its use, and I am glad it was able to be civil. You are doing good , know that. As my previous sticky stated: Let us be nice please. We all grew up differently. Instead of insulting or disparaging please just give good healthy advise. We 100% do not condone hitting our kids, but we need to explain things like a support group or no one will benefit, the children included., Let us be nice please. We all grew up differently. Instead of insulting or disparaging please just give good healthy advise. We 100% do not condone hitting our kids, but we need to explain things like a support group or no one will benefit, the children included., This post makes me so fucking sad. If someone talked about my kids like this, they’d never see them or me again., You obviously have not learned anything about autism yet. You seem like you want to “fix” or correct the children. You need to understand that your typical “parenting” will not help here. Be open to re-learning everything you (think) you know. There are actual biological differences at play, and you seem to think that it’s about behavior. Educate yourself by reading actual books. Here are a few that are the bare minimum if you really care: - Uniquely Human - Dr Barry Pizant - Autism - Jessie Hewitson - Parenting Rewired - Chaney and Punter A couple Reddit replies won’t cut it for you. You need more than that, since you have only “scratched the surface” as you put it yourself (even that is quite generous, to be honest)., >First off I have learned quite a bit about autism in the last year of dating her and I still feel like I don't know a God damn thing The more you learn about autism, the more you realize you don't know anything about autism. It's not the people who don't know anything about it you should fear the most but those people who think they've got it figured out., The OPs post made me want to cry for the children in this house who are so clearly misunderstood by him. I really hope this is a fake post. If it’s not, please listen and read all you can about the level of autism the children have, and try to see the world through their eyes. It’s very different to the way you see the world and that a neurotypical child would behave. I can’t believe these kids are being hit. You both need to stop that immediately, never treat or speak to a child in a way you wouldn’t behave with an adult., Hey! Autistic kids are not like NT kids. If they aren’t in therapy, they need to be. I can reassure you that they understand perfectly well when you are talking, however, they lack the communication skills necessary to conduct a reciprocal conversation, and that’s okay. Keep talking to them. The younger kid is engaging in vocal stimming when he whoops, and that’s perfectly normal and healthy. If it annoys you, get some earplugs. As far as discipline goes, you need new approaches. Spanking will not help. I’d encourage you to get the book How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. You need to have more patience when you ask them to do or stop doing something (like bouncing around in public), their bodies may not comply. It is frustrating for them as well. And if you’re asking them to stop stimming one way (bouncing) you have to offer an alternative. “Let’s stop bouncing now, and would you like a fidget or your body sock?”Autistic kids sometimes take longer to learn things that you feel like they should already know, and establishing routines and having patience are paramount. If you’re planning on being with your SO for a long time (and it sounds like you are) you should read some of the other books that have been recommended, and I’d also add in Unmasking Autism and Neurotribes. Make a set weekly play date with each kid to get to know them better. It can be in their room or playroom. I would not recommend public outings until you learn how to engage them more effectively. You have to meet them on their level, and let go of your expectations for how you want it to go. Focus on learning how they respond to you, and how to talk to them so they engage. Engaging will not look like vocal communication for them, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t engaging. Some of the responses you’ve gotten have been harsh, and I don’t disagree with them. But not everyone knows about autism, and it’s clear you’re in the first stages of your journey. The most important thing I could tell you right now is that you have to remember they are children, and people. They are not there to annoy you or make your life hard. They are doing their best, and want you to do the same., Agree on therapy here if not already in place - speech and OT would be the two I’d focus on initially from the behaviour you’ve mentioned. ABA isn’t that common where I am, so can’t comment on that. And having parent sessions so you can learn how to apply strategies can be critical (frankly I feel there’s often a gap here - teach the child skills, but we don’t get taught how to support them in learning to apply them). Watch the behaviour and when it occurs and see if you can pick up a pattern - does it appear like there is too much stimulation (trying to get away/avoid/block out), or too little (trying to get more sensation)? ‘Out of sync child’ is another book to look at for the regulation/sensory side of things. With autism, as others have said, the behaviour may not be something that you can ‘correct’ or ‘discipline’ away with ‘standard parenting advice’ strategies, and especially not without causing trauma. These kids are wired in such a way that they engage and respond to the world very differently. It’s worth learning about masking and it’s effects on individuals. ‘Correction’ could be teaching to mask, where as it might be a case of ensuring sensory needs are met, managed and/or just accepted by yourself (eg vocal stims) as this is a feature of their autism. The ‘coke bottle’ effect analogy may also be a helpful read. From your replies, it sounds like it’s your SO who is smacking - you need to remain hands off. But also watch her for patterns - when does she reach her limit? Is she Tired, too much noise noise for too long? Fear/danger to the kids or others? -eg they nearly dart out onto road. Flash points can be when the adult is is a state of low resilience and kids are high needs, and everyone’s individual bad/tricky day collides. Your comment on the younger ‘liking’ spankings has me wondering- are there other behaviours he does that may indicate he’s trying to get more stimulation on his skin or muscles? Or any other evidence of a high pain threshold? Not condoning it, but just thinking is the unexpected response giving an insight into a sensory need (or risk on a high pain threshold- injuries like a brake may go unnoticed). One of the biggest things for me was consciously realising there’s a developmental delay component to autism- things may just click later. But you are dealing with the learning/teaching/high support phase for an extended period until that developmental leap happens and that can feel relentless., I am really struggling to not say something disparaging! But shall try.... You have no right to be physically touching her children and shouldn't even know that it's only HARD spanks that the child dislikes! These children clearly have communication difficulties, including being selectively mute. Google this and it may enlighten you. You need to understand what level 3 moderate to severe autism means. You're trying to discipline children using your neurotypical logic. The children are not neurotypical, so why would your ways work? Would you expect a one legged person to walk as though had 2 legs? You need to get educated and to be honest, as a lone parent, I think that you're overstepping and need to let their parent as according to their needs, which it sounds like she's doing. Either follow her lead, learn about autism and respond to the children, or quite frankly, end the relationship now, for their sakes is my advice., Do NOT HIT YOUR KIDS! .. My son turned 3... and he reacts great to the uhuh song.. its easy.. say uhuh when they do something wrong and put them in time out for a SHORT TIME (seconds to minutes!) do it again and again.. and soon they will start to react to the uhuh without the time out... DO NOT HIT YOUR KIDS.. you want them to listen.. you do not want to punish them!, Welcome! There's quite a lot to unpack here. It's going to take time, but the only way to learn how to raise those boys is literally, just raising them and being in their lives. This means, learning that your two boys will require more patience, more redirecting than NT children. Things may get better, things may not. Accept that this is a life long journey. As far as the behaviors of running ahead, hooting and hollering. As long as they're not endangering themselves or others. That's completely normal for children to do, ND or NT. I let my boys be themselves in public. (They're goofballs, and I love it!) Just as long as their not directly affecting others, and anyone who feels differently can eat it. I will say it was hard at first, because there's so much pressure to have "good we'll behaved" kids. With time, I've learned that maybe other parents might perceive my kids as naughty but who cares. I appreciate the folks who understand, and for those who judge..oh well.so be it. It also might seem that your SO isn't strict or maybe you might even perceive her as a push over for allowing this type of "behavior", but understand that she's had more time to learn about her two boys. She's had more time to accept and come to terms with her boy's behaviors in public. Being a first time parent to NT children is hard enough, but having your first be a ND kid just adds another layer to it. I know you mean well, because you're here asking for advice, but try not feel ashamed or even worse shame your SO. Also let the goofballs be goofballs. I had a good laugh at your son's Mario conversation and when you said the young one "likes" spanking. If anything he might just like the sensation of a smack. My eldest likes giving me his arm to bite and he thinks it's hilarious. We take turns biting one anyway. Possibly a sensory thing. Also, you are in for one hell of a ride. Try and take time to love yourself and your SO. Be graceful when times get hard and grateful when they go well. Congratulations on the kid. Good luck with the NT and ND dynamic. Lol., You're the boyfriend. Why are you disciplining these children at all? You're not their father - stay in your lane. I really think that you both could benefit from purchasing a book on Floortime, as well as considering a book on the Play Project. Are these kids in occupational therapy? I think you both could benefit from sitting in on their sessions and asking the OT about these concerns. Having a crash pad setup isn't uncommon for autistic children. Yes, it's sometimes how they regulate. The noise making is often a sensory issue. For example, autistic children sensitive to noise in their environments will often make noise as a way of blocking it out. My oldest is 8 and he hummed and squealed constantly when he was younger. Noise cancelling headphones or offering tools to keep their mouths busy, like chewelry, can be beneficial. If not, invest in some noise cancelling headphones for yourself. Neither of you need to be hitting these kids. I understand parents make mistakes. I understand that this method of parenting is often inherited down the generations. And if you have lost your cool, it is not too late to commit to parenting in a different and positive way. You need to count when you feel angry. You do not need to react immediately to what a child does. I have two autistic sons, 5 and 8. When I know we are heading into danger alley - that we are about to do something that inclines my younger boy to misbehaving - I state the consequences at the start. "If you dump your drink, you will go in the corner." And I follow through, each and every time. Consistency is key. I think it's also important to figure out why the child is doing something. Both of my boys went through a poop smearing phase. I found that when I regularly offered activities like finger painting, making oobleck, etc., the behavior reduced. But really, your number one priority is going to the therapies and ASKING. Make use of these professionals. Read the book I've mentioned below: I'd also recommend the book Start Here: a guide for parents of autistic kids., I suggest no type of physical discipline. What’s worked for my husband and I is positive reinforcement. For example if the children running a muck if you can get them to sit down for a second praise them. Any chance you get where they are doing acceptable behavior positive praise high fives etc are great. When you do have to discipline try not to raise your voice and do time out or quiet time. Get them to say sorry if you can and try to explain why they can’t do that behavior. Even if they don’t fully understand what you are saying they will understand said behavior means there’s consequences of going to a corner/sitting in a chair/alone in their room and they will have to stop what they’re doing. Kids are tough all around and not having communication skills makes it more difficult. Just try to be gentle to yourself and the kids. Take a time out if you need it just like the kids need it when they’re overwhelmed., direful cows office alive tie ink adjoining deranged imagine fearless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*, This was a tough read. Yea that’s how they self a regulate. The stuff you’re is saying is normal from a standpoint of someone who doesn’t know anything at all about autism I guess. But not a healthy standpoint to be caring for someone with autism. Do a little research would ya. The kids need ABA therapy asap. They can help parents redirect certain behaviors to more productive behaviors. Congrats on your new baby coming, but if you’re going to enter this family in a productive way, you need to get to learning. You cannot favor this child over the others. I already see it now- this child ends up neurotypical and gets all the gold stars from you because of how well behaved and perfect compared to her imperfect non disciplined children. But youre here, listening to other parents right now, and you’re ahead of the game. So there’s hope that you can try to show some understanding and love, the same quality of understanding and love you’d show your own child. Would you do depths of research if yours turned out autistic? You gotta do the same for these kids because you are involved now and a primary influence in their lives. I don’t think their mom is using it as a crutch just because she’s not disciplining her kids when they’re not purposefully trying to do anything hurtful or wrong, or when they are self regulating. There are ways to redirect some self regulating behaviors to safer ones but this is where an ABA therapist comes in, not desperate swats on the butt. They can also help parents safely discipline in a productive way when they ARE doing something hurtful and wrong. You’re not being very understanding here that these kids have a real disability that needs professional help or at the very least an extensive amount of research to supply you guys with the tools and techniques you need to properly parent a child with this disorder if you can’t get ABA for some reason. Both is also good if possible. Of course mom can’t parent them the same way a neurotypical child would be parented. They have a disorder. And they likely can understand what you’re saying. they just are struggling to communicate... Speech therapy would be helpful here. And/or genuine extensive research on how to assist an autistic child in their communication with daily work and practice. Yeah it’s a lot! It takes a lot of work. But they deserve it yk you’re joining the family, so learn to love hard and deeply. Edit: it made me kind of sad when you said he never shuts up. That’s not a nice way to talk about kids. I’m surprised you’re having a child of your own soon. It will be more noise. It’ll be something you have to cope with, not enforce your kids to just shut up whenever it gets loud for you. It’s very sad, pls change your perspective., As far as the running ahead and bouncing, you're barking up the wrong tree if you think really any kids of the age you describe are not going to need to do that. Consider that you might be feeling embarrassed at being around kids that aren't super prim and proper. You really need to get over that and do what's best for the kids and put your pride aside. I have two autistic boys (9 and 12) and they both still bounce because that's their stimming method. They don't do it as much as they used to and are able to control themselves better (especially around friends) but if they get excited or stressed, they definitely do it. But asking them to just stop at 4 and 5? You would drive yourself and them crazy just trying (and failing). If something is a safety issue, yes you need to intervene but otherwise I dont see anything you describe as being "naughty". It's not acting out on their part, they are just trying to regulate and feel normal in the world., To the people saying this is a troll post: you are wrong. And to the people expressing their anger at OP, your sanctimony isn't helping anyone. This seems to be a case of OP coming from a different background than the one represented by most members of this sub, one in which corporal punishment is probably somewhat more accepted. This also seems like a case of someone who is not knowledgable about autism at all, but earnestly wants to learn. To all the commenters going out of their way to give helpful advice in a nonjudgemental way, while still being firm about the unacceptability of corporal punishment, thank you. To OP: 1. Spanking does not work to improve behavior in the long term, and even if it seems to "work" in the short term, for every problem it seems to "solve" it creates 10 worse problems. Stop doing it and encourage mom to stop doing it. 2. In order to be content and in a good emotional place, autistic people often need to have an outlet to move their bodies very often during each day. This is true for all people I think, but in autistic people it's x100. Understanding autism has hundreds of components but this is basically thing 1 on the list. One thing you can give them is an appropriate outlet. For example my son bounces on one of these big yoga balls many times a day, he's been doing it for years and it (mostly) keeps him from jumping on the furniture. 3. Thing 2 on the list is that autistic kids can learn to understand expected behavior, but to learn they usually respond to different incentives that typical kids. Find out what motivates these kids and use positive reinforcement to teach them expected behavior. 4. If they are not already, get these kids into speech therapy and occupational therapy., I sure wish I thought this was a troll but this is a common mentality. If you want to be a positive force in these kid's lives, read the book recs people listed. Go to therapy appointments and team meetings and ask questions to the professionals. Even with an NT child, your focus is on punishment and control. That's not a healthy focus for the child or for you. You will be endlessly angry and frustrated. Instead, for dangerous or harmful behaviors, look into the WHY. Why is the child doing that? And try to make it so the child doesn't want to or doesn't have to do that. But none of the behaviors you mentioned are dangerous or harmful, they just annoy you and you perceive they annoy the people around you. Vocal stims like wooo and haaaa are not harmful to anyone, so stopping them is not needed. In fact, it's cruel. Your GF is right that it is how they regulate themselves. If you want to be a positive force in these kids' lives, read the book recs people listed. Go to therapy appointments and team meetings and ask questions to the professionals. ol through the public education system. Contact the schools for an assessment., Everyone is saying good things here OP. really take it in, Wow .. no you haven't learnt much at all. The younger one making a lot of noise all the time but not talking is totally normal for a non verbal child and in my house is actually helpful I can always hear my son which is great but I can also pinpoint the change in the noise like that's his happy noise or that's his cranky noise or that's the noise he makes when he is in pain. Self regulation comes In many forms my older son rocks rather roughly backward and forward and hums/sings to save him from getting hurt when he was small I put a lot of years and money into teaching him to rock on a soft mattress and now I have to buy a new queen size mattress for his bed yearly, my point is there is no perfect solution and maybe the kids seem out of control or naughty to you but you have no clue how much 24/7 work goes into those kids and those behaviours may have been alot worse and this may be toned down and she may have worked really hard to get them to tone it down a little. My oldest autistic child is 17 and I still learn new things and new strategies when the old ones stop working, there is always so much more to learn and you will never learn it all., I wouldn’t want a person like you near my child. No matter how all over the place you are, the whole tone of your post is just so judgemental. My 8yr old girl is autistic and throws stuff out of the window all the time. i have no cups at home atm and all our ceiling lights are broken. Same happen when i go to my friends place like all the shoes thrown out. Our neighbours quietly return the stuff and friends understand. She was hitting kids at school because it was loud and school understood and worked on the strategies to help her. She is struggling because she is non-verbal , can’t express herself, is ignored by other kids all the time and has no friends. Imagine yourself in their situation and the resulting frustration. She behaves/ masking at school so i just let her be her self at home. That’s what a mother is supposed to do. Discipline doesn’t with with autistic kids. but unconditional love. Distraction also works sometimes., Do yourself a favor and read 10 Things Every child with Autism Wishes you knew. If you expect this relationship to work, you have to understand her kids are not neurotypical. You need to understand what is going on inside them to make it in the long haul., You want to punish them for waking, running, and jumping around? You really don’t understand autism very well do you? Please educate yourself more before thinking these are punishable offenses., I would add to read or listen to audiobook: Not My Boy! By Rodney Peete. As a parent of a neurodiverse child, I’d say this. It is extremely difficult to have a child with ASD. I am a physician and my wife is an RN. We struggle a lot. We had fights. Its not fun. Our son is happy. But, from outside- it is draining to care for him: feeding, dressing, schooling etc , very little communication. They could have sensory issues. We cannot cut his hair when he is awake. I think the first step is educating yourself on ASD., If they aren’t going to therapy, start going. Waitlists are long though so it might take a while to get in. If they are in therapy ask their therapists for help with what you need help with. I agree that the kids shouldn’t be ruling the house, but unfortunately we can’t really help with discipline without knowing the kids better which is why I suggested therapists. Speech and Occupational. ABA May also be a good fit for you guys but you have to be more careful with ABA and really look into the facilities practices. Unfortunately in the long run Autism is a social disease. So they just need a lot of help and we need a lot of patience in return. Many times spankings and such don’t work on Neurotypical kids and so it’s even worse with neurodiverse kids who don’t even understand what’s going on a lot of the time. You need to learn what they respond to well and what they don’t respond too well. Trauma is something to watch out for with all kids and even more so with Neurodiverse kids. Having an Autistic kid is one of the hardest things in the world, especially if they are more severe. Having two is even harder. Be patient. Things will get better as they get older and as you all learn more and learn each other better., I would just say that autistic kids develop differently than other children so even if they are 5-6 they may be at a 1-3 year old level in some areas of development. Redirection and positive reinforcement should be your route to correct unwanted behavior. However the running ahead can be a safety concern so it should be worked on in therapy. They can work on walking side by side and you can take small walks around your house and practice this. You can get sensory equipment and redirect the jumping on furniture to the trampoline, crash pad, etc. Use positive reinforcement to solidify that jumping should happen on the equipment and not on the couch. All this can be worked on in therapy. Speak to them like you would any other child their age but remember they are still learning and they have a communication disorder. They may not understand what you say , that’s very possible or they may understand more than you think and just aren’t able to react in a way that you would see as appropriate. Tap in to their interests, why does Mario have to be on the TV to talk about Mario? Why is it random? People talk about all sorts of things without it being right in front of them. If all he says is Mario and the rest is unintelligible you can talk about what Mario wears, what he does, etc etc. You have to be -educated- and observant to understand these kids. Your girl said the kids jump on furniture to regulate. Instead of wondering if it’s true…why not do some research on this if you want to understand them better. Your main focus is correcting behavior but you need to understand why the behavior is occurring first., This must be a troll post. Mods should deal with it accordingly, Half way into reading your paragraph, I was gonna tell you that you were not cut out for this and just leave her. It takes a different breed to deal with severely autistic kids. You clearly are not that type. I'm not judging you. Having one severely autistic boy and one possibly autistic baby, I'm taking care of my children as best as I can because they are my own creation and I have to be responsible for them, but I would never ever marry someone who come into the marriage with autistic children. No amount of d\*\*k is worth it. Probably going to get lots of hate but it is what it is. Then I realized she was already pregnant. Oh boy...you have no chance to back out anymore. So be patient and learn. This is a good place to start. And don't you ever hit the boys., Tbh I spanked my autistic son once and he then thought that means when you’re upset or someone does something you don’t like you can hit. He also randomly hits because of the input he gets from the feeling of his hand slamming down. I don’t spank anymore and I redirect always. For example if he goes to hit I put my hand out for a high five in the way of his hand or play patty cake. The being loud and running in the store is because the store can be overwhelming and the thing that calms him down is from the physical output running and jumping gives the child. The egg thing could be anything from them enjoying the sound the eggs make when they hit the floor or the physical output throwing things gives to kids with autism. I’d suggest to eliminate the problem Amazon has child locks for fridges. Them being loud and stuff can be because they’re hearing a sound they don’t like and have to drown it out with their own voice or with other noises they can tolerate. For example my son will random scream or make repeated noises anytime his twin sister (without autism) cry’s or makes a noise because she’s hurting his ears. I noticed why he does it because he started to cover his ears for awhile when she’d do it. My son is pretty non verbal and the words he can say he doesn’t say well but “mom” also means “one” “orange” and “cookie” when he says Mario that word could mean multiple things for him. Understanding kids with autism isn’t easy and sometimes it gets frustrating but I’d say trying to incorporate more sign language into everyday life. Because now when my son says “mom” but I signing “cookie” I know that’s actually what he wants. Or when he mumbles words out and I don’t quit understand what he’s saying verbally he’ll sign what he’s saying and I’ll know what it is he needs or wants to tell me. Good luck and patience is the 100% key. My bf struggles with the patience thing with my son because on days we even slightly stray off our schedule or I drove a different way home because the roads blocked off his behavior is so terrible but I can’t do anything about it other than trying to support him to feel regulated again and just have to roll with it until he either calms down or goes to bed. But then he feels bad because sometimes I’m getting attacked or I can’t eat dinner because he is throwing a fit/trying to rip my food off the table onto the floor or he’s trying to destroy stuff around the house and he can’t really do anything about it because regular discipline doesn’t work for him. Especially in the state because at that point his brain is completely shut down and isn’t open to absorbing anything around him including consequences to actions. Eventually it’ll get easier but young kids not on the spectrum are hard and kids on the spectrum are difficult in different ways., You and your SO should read The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene Ph.D. Also The Autism Discussion Page books by Bill Nason. I was also spanked as a child. I loved my parents a great deal. But I can now acknowledge the spankings made me extremely risk adverse, which resulted in my not taking a number of opportunities that would have been great for me. Spanking doesn’t necessarily mean a child will hate their parent, but is damaging all the same. Also for children on the spectrum, it’s hard for them to understand it’s not okay to hit others, when they are being hit themselves by the people who are supposed to love them. Even more so ASD children experience sensation at a much heightened level than Neurotypical people. Whether it’s sound, light, touch, it’s all so much more for them and overwhelming when it’s just at normal levels. Take any sensation to an extreme and it’s torture for them., Thank you. I agree probably just best to Make a new one, I reread my post and I see it was taken that way because I didn't post very well. I was all over the place while asking random questions and it look like everyone took it as Me just whooping this kids which I don't even do. Im.asking for ways to correct poor behavior without just repeating myself a million times. Also asking about random stuff they do and trying to understand it, It's true. I amd questions and no one has answers. It's like holy shit how are we planning recreational trips to the moon but don't know about autism, I honestly can't respond sincerely to OP b/c it will get me banned from this sub. .., Thank you. I know them pretty well. So the 5 yo can be spoken to and he may understand. The 4 yo will not listen and I honestly feel he doesn't understand. What should I do if I'm trying to correct him when he's acting naughty or doing a behavior that should be corrected. Also I reposted something about him clawing children. Any idea how to fix that? And trust me when I say, the 5 yo will not know what I'm saying. It's not for lack of trying but he just doesn't retain all words. And what's with him talking like how he does like the gibberish? Because he can speak., Thank you for your reply. I should've made a much better post and I will be much more clear. As far as what could lead to any discipline would be him being told not to stand on the counter and him REPEATEDLY going to stand on the counter. When he knows he not suppose to. Likenalmost purposefully. Darting to the road is very common. Like the kid wants to die., When i said he likes spankings unless they were hurting the child, that's me assuming. I never even said I was the one who spanked either of them. I've only seen him cry from 1 swat out of like 20. And it wasn't hard. He usually laughs though. Also I'm asking this thread for advice on just that. I also have seen these children do some things that really suprised me. So I know they are capable. But also with no discipline how do you correct them. I am open to anything other than extreme unethical things and I think my SO would like to know other ways as well because as of now its the very occasional spanking and the occasional sending to their room which they have no idea why it seems like., I like the corner idea but she isn't for it at all. She doesn't hardly spank either but that's how I grew up along with corner but I'm also NT. So I only know what I've been subject to. In my actual opinion I think they have almost no discipline and I'm trying to figure out ways by this post. Everyone things I'm a child abuser which isn't the case, This is a good post, Many of these have been. You will see that they do like to make mouth sounds.. all the time.. The most basic advise on this forum has always been loop earplugs. If the sounds are getting to you, you don't have to listen to them, even when having to be in the room and keeping an eye on them. Audiobooks with headphones are also super useful and keep me on the level every day., Thank you so much, First off thanks for all the advice. Secondly I'm asking for a reason not to treat the kids like shit. Their father died last week and now I am dad so I am their only male figure. I don't spank them. I've probably spanked them 5 times in a year but thanks for all the advice, And in all honesty 3 of the spankings were enjoyed by the child. Literally, That first paragraph is absolutely what OP needs. He's hyper defensive and concerned about how people are viewing him, getting angry at the perception that he could be doing something wrong. And to a degree, that's human nature. None of us like going to therapy and hearing how we are doing something wrong or could be doing it better. But we have to swallow our pride and do what's best for the child - that's the mark of a good parent., This is my favorite post. Thank you. I meant no malice by this post. Kinda funny how everyone is dogging me so hard yet they have no idea how I treat these kids. I didn't line the post up properly and it was poorly said and that was my fault but it seems to me most of these people are fucking hypocrites. You can come at me all sideways when I'm really just trying to learn. I said "he never shuts up" doesn't mean I tell him to shut up or better yet I don't even tell them to be quiet at all. I was just being open with my words. So thanks for coming to my defense. Because infact I did get spanked. Did I deserve it? Yes. Did I learn? Yes. And i became a very good child and life moved on. Telling these kids no doesn't work. Most the time. Like I said even the occasional spanking I've seen them recieve one learns and it's not an issue again thr other enjoys them and learns nothing. And it's not like we say "don't do that" once and than gangstyle jump these kids. It's so much more than that. And I'm really just trying to learn what works and what doesn't and if some of the stuff sounds like autism. Can you help me with this one. The 4 yo attacks younger kids and specifically their face. No rhyme or reason and he like seeks it out. He actually enjoys it. I don't know if it's because he likes to see them cry or what but we are having a baby in 3 months and I'm genuinely worried, I'm glad you were able to tell I was judgemental through my post. I feel for your child. Truly. But imagine a 28 yo bachelor integrating with a 5 yo and 4 yo both with autism. Their mother is a hot head towards me, but I love her to death and alot of it is because the kids are so taxing on her I become the punching bag because obviously the kids can't be. Point of this post is I need to understand more and I was just asking. Didn't realize I needed to be so politically correct. You have no idea how I treat these children. You can't ever tell me you have never been raged inside about something your kid has done but played it cool. So imagine that and they aren't your kids. I feel like I'm a pretty God damn good SO for even trying to understand these kids., What if it is not though? People from all walks of life need guidance on things that they do not understand. If he is honestly here for help, then these replies could help., I will look into purchasing those books. These kids haven't been spanked hardly. They just get told not to do it over and over and over again. We get on their level. But my SO gets burnt out and usually just caves. As long as they aren't hurting themselves or others. Like I said though, one of the kids actually likes that pressure. And he's the one that needs the most work. As far as communication and listening and comprehension. Honestly nothing works with him. He's not really reward driven. If he could just play outside all day he would. Unfortunately we live in ND qnd it's way to cold right now for that. Plus he's learned how to get over the fence rhen runs to the street. He just doesn't understand most things. Or should I say seem like he understands. Like selective hearing. He says words but only when he wants. Sometimes they are super good sometimes like a deaf person. Loves to attack small children., For my autistic son punishments like time out weren’t working when he was diagnosed. Anticipating meltdowns, redirecting, clearly explaining why something isn’t appropriate, keeping him informed of what he can expect, warning him about transitions. Basically treating him with a bit more adult like respect is what works for us. He’s an amazing kid and more well behaved and respectful to adults than his neurotypical 15 years old peers., The things they do all seem very normal with autism, and all based on biological grounds and differences with sensory perception. The books will be great to explain all that. On discipline, as per your edit, you should first understand autism is a disability and as such requires accommodations. It is unfair to treat autistic kids in the same way as neurotypical kids. Just like a wheelchair user needs a ramp, you need to provide scaffolding or the kids will not thrive. There are built-in biological differences going on that need your accommodation. Do them this favor. Learn everything about autism and educate them according to what works best for them. It won't be same as other kids, I assure you. Edit based on your edit: spanking is not a solution with neurotypical kids, but it’s even more damaging to autistic kids, causing trauma and worse. The reality is that they may not understand the connection between the punishment and their actions. This is explained well in the books I suggested. So it feels to them like a random traumatizing thing. Don’t do it. Break the cycle, even if you got it as a kid. There are TONS of reading and academic article on how it’s harmful. If you insist on this you it will come back to haunt you. Be open to learn!, No one is banning anyone, We just don't want posts that are not going to help the situation. Please, speak from your heart, pretend this is not a rando on the internet but someone you care about and teach him the proper way., Same., Kids communicate in different ways. As long as these kids don’t have co-occurring intellectual disabilities, they do, in fact, understand you. They may not react how you want or expect them to, but they do. I don’t know the kids, so it’s hard for me to give specific disciplinary advice, that’s why I recommended some reading. For my kid, discipline often looks like redirection and offering choices. For example, if he’s playing in the sink and splashing water everywhere, he’s telling me, without talking, that he wants sensory input. So I can set him up in the tub or another place where the activity is less destructive. All behavior in kids is communication. If he’s scratching other kids, he is communicating discomfort, or annoyance, or displeasure, but because he doesn’t have words to ask the child to leave him alone or whatever, he’s scratching. Have you guys tried using alternative communication like sign language or an AAC? Are they in speech therapy?, Here is the thing: being told not to do something (even if he understands that it’s wrong) can generate a response in autistic folks called demand avoidance. It triggers a (biological) fight/flight/freeze response in the brain when you tell him not to, and that creates so much anxiety that it will make him dig in and want to do it even more, as if his life depended on it. He can’t help it, it’s not rational frontal lobe behaviour, it’s instinctive and biological. And what you call running to the road is actually called elopement in autism. Again, he can’t help it. It happens when he is overwhelmed. There are ways of rationally teaching this, but you have to first understand that screaming or reacting like you would with a neurotypical kid will not work. No matter how much you do it., The fact that the kid is laughing at being swatted is a pretty obvious indicator that he doesnt understand why. If he doesnt understand why then what good is spanking? Whats the point? You wouldnt spank an infant for the same reason. When the mother spanks him the only thing it is serving is her getting an outlet for her frustration, and not a healthy one at that., You haven't said what behaviours you think need disciplining. Many children with autism will have certain behaviours that other perceive as naughty but actually the cause is often due to a sensory overload of some description. You need to get to know these children. Do they have sensory needs? What? So they get enjoyment from this or actually does this stress them? For example shouting or making loud noises is often due to a sensory overload. In my child, they sing and have echolalia when they just keep repeating random things that others have said usually, when they're happy and in a good place. For others this maybe a stress reaction. Either way there's no gain from telling them off for being loud, rude etc. The children need explaining to, what expectations are, consistently, and what is not appropriate. Consistency is the key. But you need to know the children to do any of the above. Rewards charts work for soemthings... But without knowing what you are trying to "correct" and their sensory needs etc it's impossible to suggest more, beyond Google..., Laughing can be a nervous response in some autistic people- my 4 year old autistic son laughs when he is stressed or anxious., Are they in services, therapy? They should be. The mom should have heard of this from their pediatrician. Occupational therapy, Speech therapy, Physical therapy - ABA is an option but more extreme to some. Talk to the mom about that., There is a book its called parenting with Love and Logic...buy it for her...she will find a Ton of good parenting ideas inside....and it works great with children with autism...there is an extra one for the early years too those ideas do Not require a Lot of communication....maybe try this first, 1x time in a lifetime is too much. The fact you think 5x per year is "not much" is very concerning. As others have pointed out, this is very traumatizing for anyone, but even more so for someone who does not understand why they are being punished (and the fact they laugh makes it clear they don't know)., This response is very defensive. If you want advice, you also need to be able to take constructive criticism on how to make changes going forward. It's terrible to hear that their father died. You are still not their father, and the discipline is ultimately up to their mother. You wrote that you don't spank them, but also that you have spanked them five times in a year. How does that work? If this is serious, you need to be in contact with your county mental health department about getting wrap-around services for these kids and the family in general. There's recent history in this family of drug addiction (you), a deceased parent, two disabled children and a child on the way. You will likely qualify for services, and I would suggest the family needs parenting courses., Someone already said this but laughing is a typical reaction to something bad by a very confused autistic child. He is not enjoying it. He is desperately trying to figure out what the acceptable reaction is to make you stop. He literally does not know how to react to this social situation., Since he likes the pressure and is bouncing and crashing on things, he may like what my son and I called astronaut pressure training. I’d sandwich him between two couch cushions and put a bit of my weight on top. Always making sure his airway is clear for breathing. He’d instantly calm down. You asked if it’s true they are regulating when bouncing and crashing. Yes, it’s absolutely true that’s how many autistic kids regulate. In our experience, my son calmed down a lot as he aged. But also when his psychiatrist prescribed intuniv/ guafacine that works on the prefrontal cortex which is the part of our brain that has executive function. The youngest may not be reward driven, but positive reinforcement really works. When correcting them tell them 3 things they did right before you offer the correction. That way they are more open to hearing the correction. If you can figure out some special interest for these boys, you may find that they will calm down when engaging their special interest. I agree with what someone posted about modeling behavior of how to treat the baby before the baby arrives. Role playing has been a great way for us to teach my son how to behave before the fact, rather than expect him to know what he doesn’t know then get angry at him., I am open and thanks your your post. I just can't believe how people are coming at me. I didn't realize I had to be so Politically correct on a reddit thread., He absolutely won't do sign language. He just barely speaks and when he wants to. He's in everything possible. Speech, OT, we have crash pads and all sorts of stuff. The fave grabbing isn't discomfort. Maybe annoyance but at the same time just because you walk in the room with a baby or toddler you can't attack them. I don't care If you are autistic, it can't happen. Especially now bringing a baby in 3 months. So I really need advice on that. The 5 yo is pretty good. Like most 5 yo and obviously some autistic traits but he came a long way. Only thing I have with him is like I said he answers questions with gibberish. Like almost like he's speaking to fast. I even potty trained him. Another problem I'm really not going to know how to tackle with this younger one., Thanks for the info. Do you have any advice on the attacking children's faces? He use to adults but doesn't now. Only kids and he really goes hard and he actually enjoys it., Full traffic, you often have great advice to share... Thanks for your input here, How did you figure this out? My son is always laughing and appears quite joyful. How does one discover if its because he’s uncomfortable or genuinely enjoying himself?, This is super true. They are so confused that they laugh, not knowing what response you are looking for and desperately trying to figure it out., Thank you. Will do, Not much about being politically correct. Just concern about the things you said. I really insist on the books - those will really help., I would bring up these specific concerns with the younger kid’s therapists. Talk to mom and work together to implement a strategy to stop the harmful behavior before baby comes. Set consistent boundaries, and use natural consequences. Especially since mom is going to be going everywhere with a baby soon, he needs to know that if he physically hurts the baby, mom will not be available to him. For sure stop spanking. Kids learn from us, and (at least my) autistic kids don’t get “authority” the way we understand it. They see you using physical discipline, and they think they can, too. As far as the five year old, it sounds like he’s trying. Speech isn’t easy. It could be echolalia, it could be scripted speech. You can try to figure out if he’s trying to communicate or simply stimming. I know adding more therapy might be overwhelming, but it sounds like especially the younger one could benefit from one-on-one play therapy, or Floortime. If he already has a behavioral therapist, they can help you and mom tackle the destructive or harmful behavior before baby comes. For the next few months you should be having lots of conversations about the baby. You can use social stories or buy a couple baby dolls, and start modeling how you want them to interact with the baby. Definitely link up with the therapists, though. They can give you way better advice than any stranger on the internet, and what’s more is they can help you implement it., I would say number one is to stop any spanking at home. These kids will watch you doing it and understand that it is socially acceptable (remember, there is a different biology at play here). So they will end up imitating whatever they see at home. After that is done, let the therapists you are working with know that this is one of your goals, and then slowly work on understanding the origin of the behaviour (from the kids autistic perspective) and then finding replacement activities or redirecting the behaviour., /thanks 😊

I just want to know if my son has Mild Autism (2.5 years old)

We noticed this just lately because he is not just the typical 2.5 years old actually he is 3 years old this coming February 2024. Base on your experience or if there are any expert here tell us if he has spectrum What he do/ signs (Negative) - Always want spinning things/toys - Love bouncing toys - He likes bubbles and just lay down to watch bubbles - doesn’t talk that much - If he wants things he just give it to you and doesn’t say much - Crying and Throwing things if he doesn’t like it or doesn’t go with his way - always says words repeatedly like mama, papa chu and some words we don’t understand - doesn’t socialise with other kids that much - in child care he just play by himself and sometimes no eye contact - sometimes he like to rub his face to your face (POSITIVE) - know Abc, numbers, colors and some other words - has eye contact with just family sometimes if he’s busy no eye contact - when you call his name he look at to you - loves affection like kissing hug - you can teach him little this like press butoon button often he doesn’t cooperate Please help us

He needs to be evaluated ASAP. He will qualify for alot of services before his evaluation based on what you wrote. If you can get him into a private evaluation, I'd do that because the waitlists for ASD are notoriously long., Sounds like my son. He's almost 5 now. Everything you've said is exactly what we went thru. My son started kindergarten in diapers and could barely speak. Now he's potty trained, talking much better and is the smartest kid in his class. He's teachers are excited for his future., If you want to avoid falling into the trap that I did and having a 20+ year delay in diagnosis, it's not useful in the case of a child that isn't super obviously delayed to think in terms of ASD = negative traits vs. not ASD = positive traits. Him knowing the alphabet like he does at 2.5 might mean he's hyperlexic, which is actually very strongly associated with ASD, and was a massive red herring with my own kid. You also have to remember that he might not have every trait (e.g. his pattern of showing/receiving affection is in line with NTs) or some might more or less diametrically oppose more stereotypical traits (e.g. he might seek out touch and affection at a rather excessive level compared to NTs, or might have an average or above average IQ). Get him tested and preferably by someone who knows what it looks like in kids who hit a lot of milestones on time or early., He definitely has some red flags, unfortunately. Most 2.5 year olds with normal development will have 200+ words and have some interest in playing with other children. It also sounds like he has some sensory seeking behaviour. There’s this really good app called, ASD Detect which has a checklist with accompanying videos to determine if your child is at high risk of autism. As per the other people commenting I’d recommend getting him evaluated ASAP., Highly likely he has autism, getting the diagnosis doesn’t change anything except that you get access to great services, Unfortunately Early Intervention ages out at 3 years old so too late for that But you can register with ChildFind or contact your school district's ECSE department for help with that. They take over from 3 to 5 years old and he can get into ECSE pre-school. Then schedule an autism assessment., You say his knows his ABCs, does he know the whole alphabet? And How many numbers does he know?, I dont get why you put completely harmless things like "love bouncing toys" or "always says words repeatedly" in the "negative" category. How is it a negative thing that your child is having fun? The only thing i kinda get in that category is "crying and throwing things" but even that is a very mild issue and a lot of neurotypical kids do that aswell im sure. All the other things are completely non-problematic. Im autistic myself and i always wondered why NTs hate us so much just for being different. So can you please explain to me why you call your childs behaviour negative?, Hi, our child is like that and of same Age, have you got evaluation, please update as we are in the same boat not sure what to do., I would also like an update on how things are going, Thank you, we will talk about it with my family., Thank you 🙏🏻, Yeah he know like 90% of it, numbers 1-10, A-Z 90% of it, Because we always keep him watching like alphabet videos, Ya I don’t see why really any of the “negatives” are alarming. All normal things. Not saying the child can’t have ASD. But that list alone is normal., When they say “but they’re affectionate” in the “non-autism” criteria really is infuriating. Like holy shit, quit being an asshole parent and reading into a list of meaningless stuff you see your kid do. Guaranteed MOST kids do ALL of these things, and it’s not seen because it happens behind closed doors. Let kids be kids for fucks sake. My kid likes bubbles. Must be autistic. My kid likes bouncy balls. Must be autistic. My kid is shy and sometimes plays independently. MUST BE AUTISTIC. Oh… but wait… they know their ABC’s and… and numbers! Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a lot of autistic children also know their ABC’s and Numbers, so I guess those should be negatives too ? OH, and believe it or not, autistic children can be incredibly affectionate. They aren’t little soulless robots. ETA: Reddit isn’t the place to go for a diagnosis, Because compare to other kids like his age completely different but I get your point. Maybe we are just being paranoid right now, Just try to remember that Autism is not an intellectual disability :-) it’s a developmental disability. Definitely have an assessment done, you’ll be much closer to knowing what you need to know and getting the services your child needs :-) best of luck!, Okay. So in short, it's worth getting your son evaluated. You also might want to do some research into hyperlexia as well. Hyperlexia is basically when a kid can read much earlier than typical and it is usually associated with being on the Autism spectrum. My son is hyperlexic and we realized it when he was about 3 years old. He was able to read words at a first grade level and could count to 50. It's an incredible strength, I would highly recommend putting closed captions on whenever your child is watching videos, it could be incredibly helpful to help them with their language development!, Maybe get therapy or meds for anxiety then., Thank you 😇, You’re not helping, You’re very welcome! Don’t hesitate to reach out on this sub. :)

I know the people of Reddit aren’t doctors, but can I get anyone’s thoughts? I completed this and another form, I’m not sure the name of it. I’m just anxious until we hear back from the psych next week. She’s 6 and we already have an ADHD diagnosis

Sounds like it., It’s either the Vineland 3 or the PADDI , both are standard tools to help screen for autism and a lot of it doesn’t apply when they are young. Don’t be worried just fill out what you can and turn it in.

I know this sounds bad

I know this sounds bad but anyone else feel sad when they watch videos of other children and parents having times together that you can’t have with your special one? Don’t get me wrong. I love my boy and we have our times we enjoy together. It just makes me sad when i see videos of parents doing things and having experiences you know you can’t have with your own due to their autism. And it’s not from my perspective. I just wish he could have the childhood other kids have.

I feel sad when I hear kids in the neighborhood laughing and playing together, and my son doesn’t get asked to play with them and also he has said he doesn’t want to. He plays on the porch with me and my mom (his grandmother), typically a repetitive play involving water and mixing “ingredients” together, and neighborhood kids are doing things NT 6 year olds do. I realize I am projecting my idea of what a childhood should be, and what mine was like, and my son seems happy, but it is still hard to think every year how each birthday it’s just the 3 of us and there will likely never be other kids he wants to invite., It doesn't sound bad nor does it make you a bad person for having these thoughts. Your child has a disability, every parent wishes their child didn't. You recognize and accept him for who he is despite it and that's what matters., I’m right there with you. I have a friend who had a baby 2 weeks after me, and her NT daughter is leaps and bounds ahead of my son socially. Seeing videos and pictures of her playing with friends and family members always makes me sad because I wish things could be like that for him. I appreciate your vulnerability and knowing I’m not alone with this feeling is comforting. Sending you lots of encouragement and warm thoughts., I remember bringing my son home from the hospital and seeing my neighbor bringing her grandson in the house in a pumpkin seat. I remember having these fantasies that our kids were going to be running around the cul-de-sac together, causing havoc. Just wasn't meant to be. They would be rising seniors this year. I see the neighbor kid driving to school/work, mowing the lawn, and shooting hoops. My kid is in a locked facility with 24/7 care. It's not fair, but neither is life. At least I don't have to worry about him knocking some girl up, I guess? Or college tuition. Or a wedding. *sigh*, Yes I do, it’s tough. It’s especially tough because I can’t tell if my boy is craving to do these things too but isn’t capable or is just not interested/ aware. Not being interested or blissful ignorance would be preferable, because it haunts my thoughts that he wants too, but can’t. I mourn not being able to do simple things easily because of eloping behaviour and lack of following direction., Yes I do. I also feel extremely guilty when I catch myself thinking about him being “normal” but damn dude I would kill for ONE day that my son says “i love you dad, thank you for the chick fil a, but i need to use the bathroom” it sounds so complex it’s almost unrealistic in my case. But I can’t. He is a happy healthy boy and I am proud of him no matter what., Sometimes I feel this way too… but then I remember what my kid’s therapist said: my daughter is happy, she’s doing things that make her happy and is having fun the way she wants to have fun, which is what makes a happy childhood., My husband and I refer to those kids as “potato babies” they’re bland and go with everything and do what you expect them to do. How boring. Yes, this is a coping mechanism, but it works for us lol., We are throwing a summer party for the disabled children in our neighbourhood this weekend. I got fed up of not being invited to parties by the normies. So we figured we'd throw a party and invite the families from our disabled children groups. And it helps a lot that my son is starting at a special school in September. I always said I didn't want to be waiting at the school gate with all the normie parents and this was a factor in us pushing for a special school place. My friend whose child didn't get into special school has said that even the school induction events have been upsetting and her boy hasn't even started at his mainstream school yet. I definitely think seek camaraderie with parents who understand., Everyone at work has their kids in the same baseball team and they talk about it all day. It feels awful 😣., As much as you love your child, you’ll still have your feelings and moments.. and that doesn’t mean that you love them any less for who they are. It hurts to see the contrast with other children and families. You hurt for your child and you also hurt for yourself too. You mourn the loss of a future that you expected but it doesn’t take away from your ability to create a new one. Some days are harder than other, hell even some years are harder than others. Give yourself space to grieve and then give yourself permission to heal (but know that it’s not linear) ♥️, We almost exclusively socialise and hang with ND kids and families (parents are also ND). We have a proper ND tribe vibe happening and I’m here for it every day of the week bc fuck feeling like more of a failure than I already do. In these circles my kids are thriving and happy and play mostly well with the odd fist thrown or toy tossed or scream fest. These people are our people and they get it and we get it and we are who we are. Having said that, I must admit to privilege. We have all Level 1 and 2 kiddos (all 6 have adhd as well) and we all now homeschool so demands on the kids are really low. I totally hear where you’re coming from though bc I think if we were mainstreaming I’d be in despair., My kids have been slowly but surely increasing their communication abilities. My daughter never asked a single question when she was 4, just made demands mostly. Now at 8 she asks questions all the time. My son had maybe 3 words when he was 3 and at 6 he is still very limited but he can request things and put two words together at times. I’ve felt the same way you do a lot, but I also see some silver linings. Like I’ve noticed that a lot of girls my daughters age have gotten into mean girl behavior, telling other kids that they’re babyish or other insults, or talking about others behind their backs including their supposed friends. My daughter doesn’t have friends but sometimes happily plays with kids at the playground and has zero concern about anyone with mean girl behavior. I don’t know if anyone has insulted her at school but I’m sure if they did she wouldn’t care one bit what they think of her. I’m hoping that will carry into the teen years when peer pressure is getting kids to do things that are dangerous., I used to feel sad as well: my daughters niece is the same age as her. For a long period, I didn’t want to go to my in laws just to avoid meeting her and feeling sad based on the comparison. The sadness made me depressed somewhat, and made me start loosing hope, which translated on me not being able to interact propeller with my child. But then (after many confrontations with my husband and mom) I started to change, to accept and act upon the fact that she is like that and that, as her mom, I need to be the most supportive of her. From then, I started to act differently with her: her tantrums don’t bother me that much, her special behaviors became more tolerable. I’m still struggling and I do have my own down times, but overall Im very hopeful and I believe it’ll eventually be okey. I live the moment and don’t think much about the future. So Op, it’s normal to feel sad, just don’t let yourself become hopeless. Accept and move on because our babies need us more than the normal kids need their parents. Be strong 💪, It's not bad, it's human. I've felt it too, as I am sure most of us have. It just sucks sometimes., I feel the same sometimes and it's hard. I was on a plane a few days ago and a baby much younger than my son was talking back and forth with his dad. My heart just sunk knowing my son is older and can't even express things like that. I let myself feel the sadness but not let my thoughts spiral and bring me down too much because that won't help him or me. Comparison is often the thief of joy and I don't want anything to take away from the happy relationship my son and I can have., This is very normal..I've learned to stop fighting those feelings, because they're not wrong. You want the happiest life for your child possible, and you want them to have the full range of options that other children have. It's especially hard when you're not friends with families of other disabled people. You feel like you're on an island. Hugs..., I have several co-workers with kids the same age as mine. Some of them are close friends. And it hurts when they talk about all the milestones their kids get through and my kid struggles to even get to school. My oldest (who do not have autism, but ADHD) did not graduate this year. Everyone else in har class did, but she has been absent for so much of her last 3 school years that she couldn't take the exams. It hurt watching the pictures of all my friend's kids. But I have slowly come to terms with the fact that my kids' road forward is different., Oh I feel horrible seeing other kids living normal lives and my own struggling to talk or learn basic skills. I have a friend group and everyone became parents and have normal kids, I was the odd man out with disabled kids. It's fucking crushing and depressing.I desperately wish I could go back to my life before having kids and just be the odd man out with no kids. I can't even be around other parents with ASD kids because it's so depressing seeing so many kids behind and struggling with basic skills. I have trouble being around my friends now because all their kids hit milestones and mine act like 1 year old animals. I never heard about ASD before having my kids, and since it came into my world it's almost killed me. I'd have rather dealt with cancer than this because at least with cancer we have a potential solution to get rid of it. I still love my kids, but it's definitely that obligatory parental love, if I had a choice I wouldn't want to deal with this., Yes 😞 its hard, I get it. I had to stop going on Instagram because I always saw videos of my nephew who is 9 months younger or a friends kid that is 3 months older than my son but they are so so advanced on everything. It kills me. I love my nephew and my friends kid but I just die knowing all the things were missing out on., I wish I had the childhood other kids had too. All things work for good to those who love the Lord., Always., Yes, I do, Hugs. Been there many times. In the early days of kiddo’s diagnosis I would leave the park quietly crying. Kiddo is 7 now and I have those days every now and then. We have a set of friends that have an autistic child and it’s brought much comfort to not feel alone., Yeah sometimes. I work in education so I often meet parents of kids my son's age (4). They often comment about their kids' social lives and how it's constant round of clubs and playdates and birthday parties... It's just dawning on me now that it's probably not that the kids at my son's school aren't having birthday parties, it's just that he's never been invited to one., It doesn’t sound bad. It’s your most honest true feelings. And I find myself thinking and feeling the same. And I think it’s worse for me now because my son is 14. I see other teens his age who have this great social life and can hold their own. And my son is nothing like that. I mean I’d love for him to have a girlfriend… a first kiss. A Saturday night hangout at a friends house…. But he prefers to be at home with me and his dad and I… and occasionally his grandma. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself. Because I feel so bad when I have these thoughts and it depresses me. It’s good to know that us parents share many of the same thoughts and feelings. ❤️, Yes, I feel that way often. But then I try to remind myself that people probably look at us and wish they had what we have. Your son may be what another ASD mama hopes for., I used to. But yesterday he was getting some tests run, and he had all of the doctors and students cracking up. He was playing with a toy police car, and he kept saying “You going to jail, buddy!” And the way he said it just had us all in tears. By the way, my oldest who is not NT would have never said that. My oldest had a great childhood, but my youngest (my widdle No Limit Soldier) keeps us on our toes and joyful. His childhood has been lit by comparison, and I’m so proud to know him as a person. So while I want him to have a normal childhood, he is definitely creating his own lane and memories in his childhood, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything., This was us. However, a few years later, there's been changes of neighbours and all of us have children with ASD. They "play" together /alongside one another in their own ways. The perseverance of pushing the need for social interaction, literally just saying hello to fellow class mates, has also now paid off as they also appear to actually be more accepted/included. But it's been a long journey and I'm very aware this could be all disrupted once they move to secondary school, so am trying to enjoy this moment right now! Hoping that similar happens for yours, if that's what they want, as not all children do and are actually quite happy /content and it's more us that thinks things should be different., Same here. My best friend and I have kids about the same age. They go out and do all sorts of fun stuff. Often things we can’t enjoy as easily because my 5yo is lvl 2, nonverbal and elopes. Somedays I’m jealous how she has all her kids simply walk next to her and not need to worry about it. I’d love to just be able to take my kids to story time at the library and he’s just sit with his siblings and listen., I'd give up a lot of shit to hear my kid say, "I love you, mom, can I have a hug?" But nope, he wants no touching or affection, no "love you"., This is how I see it too. I know my son is better than other kids his age at some things, but more importantly,‘I know that he’s happy and we’re doing everything we can to make him happy, and support his needs. I wouldn’t trade him for any NT kid., That’s what i hope. We can’t communicate (yet hopefully) and i just hope he is happy. I do everything i think i can to make sure he is happy in his way. I don’t see it entirely as a disability, i see it as a challenge for us to overcome together so he can be happy the way he deserves to be, This is good advice for kids period. I’m a very introverted person (NT, mild ADHD) and wanted to play alone after school because all that social interaction at school was tiring. My mom is more extroverted and very much judged my “happiness” on how often I was playing with friends and having “fun” the way she expected. It was very stressful as a kid to know your parent doesn’t like who you are and thinks what makes you happy (for me reading and playing alone to relax) isn’t “right”. Let kids be happy, This was the comment I needed to read today. Thank you 😘, Potato babies is the advice I didn’t know I needed 😂, Ha ha , so funny 😂, How old is ur kid?have u tried aba, Oof, <3 I’m autistic and this makes me happy, My kids just turned 3 and 4, we've had them in ABA, OT, Speech, and SI for years and there's been such little progress. It honestly seems like a waste of resources honestly (time, gas, money, etc). I don't know how parents care for these kids for a lifetime when they give you so little in return in terms of growth and development., I know... He's unaware of it at the moment though, so that's something.

I most likely caused my son to be disabled ..

** very long post ** Hello , I have a 3 year old toddler who was diagnosed with autism in September 2023 . He was born early at 33 weeks weighing 3 pounds in October 2020 and stayed two weeks in the NICU . Prior to becoming pregnant with him I was a marijuana and tobacco smoker . When I found out I was pregnant I quit cold Turkey . But at 12 weeks I began smoking tobacco and then at 16 weeks I smoked weed . I stopped the weed at 20 weeks and continued the tobacco smoking in secrecy on and off until about two weeks before I had him . They noticed he wasn’t growing and was measuring small so I delivered early by emergency c section . So here I am in 2024 and just welcomed my second child , a baby girl this February . She was 7lbs 14.5 ounces by vaginal delivery and I made it to 38 weeks and had to be induced because of hypertension . I made a promise to myself that I would never do anything like that again. And I’m very proud of myself that I was strong enough to quit cold Turkey and stick to it. I hate that I was so weak with my first pregnancy and now my son is going to have many challenges for life now . He doesn’t say a word , and doesn’t eat solid foods and struggling to potty train . We started early intervention services at 2 years old and he is currently in ABA 5 days a week and goes to intermediate unit . So I am getting all the resources for him. I am not able to work so he does get SSI as well . He is also a big boy and wears size 7 diapers so we get those sent to us monthly paid for by insurance which helps . His dad and I had an argument last night and he told me that I am the reason our son is the way he is . And I owned up to my mistakes and I got the help I needed to work on my mental health. It’s not that I don’t feel bad about it because I do have regrets and wish I had a stronger back bone to just not do it. But if he feels like I am such an irresponsible mother then why have this second child with me? He isn’t wrong for holding resentment but our Son Could have just been an only child . This is life we have to accept now.. and my issue is he wants me to own up to my mistakes & issues which I have done but won’t admit that he has a gambling addiction that is ruining our livelihood. He has pawned almost everything to electronics and shoes just for money. I’ve done so much for this man over the years. Took loans out in my name for him that have gone to collections because he didn’t pay them, my mom sent us $700 because we were behind on our rent and almost had to go to court for eviction, he totaled my car that he would drive to work, got a huge settlement check, and finally bought his own car. I even use to drive him to the job he is at now which was in another town from where we live because the bus would have made him late, I even taught this man how to drive. He does warehouse work but trying to be an accountant. He paid $3500 in cash last August to take classes and needed to take more this Spring but they don’t even have classes available. So everything is on hold to start the Accountant program thing. My thing is how do you want to be an accountant but can’t even handle your own finances? I literally had to overdraft my bank to buy our daughter stuff. We didn’t even have a baby shower that my parents were willing to pay for. Anyways , He doesn’t even deal with our son like that. One second it’s I can’t deal with him, he is a Lost cause. And then the next minute he says he is entitled to his disability check and he starting to catch on more to things. Which one is it! Thank you if you made it to the end of this .. I don’t really have a question I’m just venting and seeing what y’all think I guess. I’ve forgiven myself for what I’ve done now. ** RESPONSE ** Wow!! I didn’t expect to get all of this feedback. 🥹 I was actually scared to click on this post again and read the replies. We are not married and I do not want to marry him. Well I know he won’t anyways 😂 just a baby daddy. I do plan to leave as we live in Pennsylvania and I’m actually from Maryland but met him in college here. And I pretty much stayed with him to not go back to my parent’s house and ended up with these kids. I do not regret my kids I love them so much. But once I am able to find an income while staying home I definitely plan to get my own space for just US. ❤️ A lot of the comments say that it is genetics. Which is a factor but I read online that it could be from environmental factors too. Doesn’t that count for smoking? Either way it’s just not good to do it anyways and that’s why with my second pregnancy i wasn’t about to do it. Even if my daughter does end up having it. But I’m excited to experience a neurotypical child if she doesn’t have autism. Honestly I didn’t think The smoking would cause this either and only for the low birth weight and early term baby. But I know it does cause delays in the child. But thanks to everyone who commented.. I thought I was going to get bashed and judged but y’all were the complete opposite.🫶🏽❤️

So my sister smoked every day of her pregnancy and drank alcohol and Red Bull. She had a healthy vaginal delivery and a healthy baby girl who is doing great age 5. I was super careful with what I ate and did everything I could to care for baby: yoga, very clean eating, no alcohol, smoking, etc. acupuncture, doula support. It was all super expensive but worth it to me. My baby aspirated on meconium and was born SGA with hypoglycemia. He has ASD/ADHD. If we had complete control over this stuff my sister and I should have opposite experiences. Life can be more random than we want to believe. Forgive yourself and focus on doing your best for your child., Plenty of people smoked while pregnant and the kids didn’t become autistic., OP, my mom did both with me and I’m not autistic. Yet, I didn’t do either while I was pregnant, followed all the rules, the guidance, took the prenatal vitamins, did all the testing. and yet… my daughter still is autistic. You didn’t cause your son to be disabled and carrying that guilt around won’t do either of you one bit of good., You didn't cause it. It is genetic., I know someone who did ecstasy a bunch while pregnant and smoked weed the whole time. In fact I know plenty of people who smoked weed to help with the morning sickness and all their kids are fine. My wife quit smoking cigarettes and weed and was sober for all the breast feeding and everything and our son is autistic. It’s a mostly genetic thing and even though they aren’t 100% sure what causes it, it isn’t from smoking some weed while pregnant., [deleted], Smoking does not cause autism. Stop dwelling on the past, it’s not helpful to you. Make better decisions moving forward. Get rid of the financially and emotionally abusive man. Doesn’t sound like he’s offering much besides burden. Also, when you talk about your kids while they’re present, likelihood is high they understand you. Call them a “lost cause” and they will believe it., Autism is genetic. I was perfect during my pregnancy. I’m sorry you’re feeling hopeless., My sister in law smoked, drank, ate like shit, did everything you’re not supposed to do and was a mediocre parent on top of it all. My nephew is completely fine. I followed the doctor’s orders to the letter and my kids are non speaking and diagnosed with ASD. I still blamed myself and it took me years to stop feeling like something I did harmed my kids. It also took me a long time to appreciate that they’re smart, healthy, and happy, and instead of scared for them I should just be amazed at everything they can accomplish while having a disability., There used to be doctors who recommended/allowed smoking during pregnancy to help women have smaller babies. There are women who don't know they're pregnant and binge drink, smoke, party, etc. Plenty of people make less than ideal decisions and still have healthy babies. Plenty of people make less than ideal decisions and have kids who are neurotypical. There are women who do everything "right" who take their vitamins, don't smoke or drink, etc and still have kids with autism or other special needs. Not one of us decided to have a kid with or without autism. There's no decision that any of us made that flipped the switch from neurotypical to neurodiverse. It's genetics. Lastly, your husband sounds like a real piece of work. I really hope he provides *something* positive to your lives instead of just taking time, energy, and money. You deserve to be treated better., Nicotine does not cause autism. YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR CHILD TO BE AUTISTIC., If every woman who smoked while pregnant delivered an autistic child, then every boomer would be autistic, Autism is genetic, but they haven’t identified what it exactly is in dna. This means 1 parent, or both parents can pass this. Even if they are not autistic., Oh, I drove myself crazy thinking I'd caused my youngest daughter's autism as I wasn't fastidious about taking vitamins during pregnancy. I had done so with my eldest daughter, and she wasn't autistic so it MUST be my fault. Well, turns out both my children are autistic - my eldest now going through diagnosis age 10. Its likely genetic. Give yourself a break, it sounds like you have enough other stuff to worry about with your partner., Hmm, I don't think that smoking and drugs cause autism - you're right that they may cause OTHER intellectual disabilities, but Autism? There is actually a paper on this topic from the NIH: [State of the Field: Differentiating Intellectual Disability From Autism Spectrum Disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6683759/) I would be careful to not conflate the two., Smoking, tobacco or weed, does not make your child autistic. You did not cause this. Sometimes these things just happen. Don't be so hard on yourself., I can assure you that it is not your fault that your son is autistic. Smoking was considered the normal decades ago and a lot of pregnant women smoked yet there was no spike in autism., My grandmothers has sixteen kids between them and not one autistic child was in there bunch ((1950s/1960s - lots of smoking). I have never smoked a day in my life and my second son was diagnosed last week. Go easy on yourself. There is no way to tell for sure smoking caused your son’s autism., As many others have commented, autism is genetic. And even if it wasn’t (which it is) there’s nothing you can do and feeling guilty is only gonna make it harder on you and your son. And I know to just not feeling guilty is easier said than done but you’re doing the right thing thing by getting the help you need. And you’re doing all you can for your son. And if you ask me.. your husband is the one who knows he’s being a a terrible husband/father. And instead of seeking help and trying to get better.. to make himself feel better he’s blaming you for your son (which is ridiculous and abusive) meanwhile he’s taking you all deeper and deeper into financial issues/problems. And eventually there will be no way out of and it’ll take a lot of hard times and a long time to dig yourselves out. Hes the one who should absolutely feel like crap and feel so guilty.. guilty enough to get help. But no this giant man baby would rather blame you for something that’s not your fault, and something that can’t be changed. He sounds awful.. and depending on how you think he’d take it I’d talk to him about getting help for his issues. But if you think it won’t be perceived well and he’ll go off.. I’d be starting to make an exit plan before he takes you and your children down further with him., I didn’t smoke or drink while pregnant. One child born two weeks late by forceps, diagnosed age 12 as autistic. Other born by c section 1 week early, ADHD. Just diagnosed ASD myself., My wife didn’t smoke, drink, or anything. She followed everything perfectly. You didn’t cause that., If smoking causes autism then one of my friends would have 3 autistic children but hers are all normal, I've never smoked a day in my life and my first kid is autistic. It sounds like you need to drop Dad off at his mom's house and change your locks. Just because he can't deal doesn't mean he gets to ruin your and your childrens life. , There is a good chance your newest addition could have autism even though you did everything right. Your husband needs to get over it and move on with his thinking bc likely it’s genetics., Leave him. If he isn't going to be a solution then he is the problem. I know many women who smoked cigarettes and weed while pregnant. It's not good for the baby, and the low birth weight may have been caused by the smoking, but right now, that's all irrelevant. What's done is done. Your man sounds like a narcissistic asshat to me. There is no way to know for sure if your smoking caused your child's ASD. I've never smoked anything in my life and my 4th child was born via emergency C-section at 31 weeks weighing 3 lbs 8 oz and stayed in the NICU for 5 weeks all due to being pre/eclamptic. Now, 8yo, she is smart and funny and will talk your ear off. My 5th child was born at 36 weeks for the same reason. She is 5yo, ASD3/non verbal, won't toilet train. Still, never smoked anything, never drank, nothing other than the being pre eclamptic with the last 2, where I had nothing go wrong with my first 3 pregnancies. Now let's look at the issue at hand. Your man has no reason, other than needing to make himself feel better, to blame you for anything. That screams narcissism to me. He has caused you so much stress, I don't see why you should keep him around. He doesn't help with the children to lessen the burden on you, he creates more of a burden on you with his spending and gambling. He's a child in a man's body. The sooner you see him for what he is the better off you and your children will be. He works, but contributes the bare minimum if anything. He wants your sons ssi check so he can gamble more. He takes everything, and will continue to do so as long as you let him. Cut him off. Stop him from consuming everything before you have nothing. Look at the situation you're in as if it were your best friend or sister. What would you say to her? Leave him or have him move out asap. Please don't let him keep using you and your children. If you need to move in with your parents, consider it. I know you might not want to, but it's for the greater good. Once you have burned off the leach and you start recovering from what he has put you through, you will feel so much better. You'll get back on your feet faster than you think. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck., Wow!! I didn’t expect to get all of this feedback. 🥹 I was actually scared to click on this post again and read the replies. We are not married and I do not want to marry him. Well I know he won’t anyways 😂 just a baby daddy. I do plan to leave as we live in Pennsylvania and I’m actually from Maryland but met him in college here. And I pretty much stayed with him to not go back to my parent’s house and ended up with these kids. I do not regret my kids I love them so much. But once I am able to find an income while staying home I definitely plan to get my own space for just US. ❤️ A lot of the comments say that it is genetics. Which is a factor but I read online that it could be from environmental factors too. Doesn’t that count for smoking? Either way it’s just not good to do it anyways and that’s why with my second pregnancy i wasn’t about to do it. Even if my daughter does end up having it. But I’m excited to experience a neurotypical child if she doesn’t have autism. Honestly I didn’t think The smoking would cause this either and only for the low birth weight and early term baby. But I know it does cause delays in the child. But thanks to everyone who commented.. I thought I was going to get bashed and judged but y’all were the complete opposite.🫶🏽❤️, Most kids born in the 60s/70s/80s/90s were grown inside a woman who smoked. Autism is genetic. Chances are either you or the father have ASD., I don’t think it was your fault. As people have stated, many people do the same and their kids don’t have autism. Nobody knows how or why autism develops, but it’s thought to be genetic., My wife and I were pretty big potheads when we had our first child, she was a premie but otherwise a-ok! After we got careers and a stable drug free life, we had our twins. One has autism and the other minor learning delays. We did everything right and it still happened! It’s just the way things go sometimes, don’t beat yourself up about it. We had a 4th child 2 years ago and I’m pretty sure she’s a genius, and I’m not just being biased. She’s already enrolled in a school at a little over 2 years old and she participates in peer modeling at my autistic daughter’s therapy center to try to help other kiddos develop social skills with peers. If there was a sure fire way to avoid anything, I’m sure everyone would follow that, but there just isn’t. Just be the best parent you can be and always act out of love, you can do this!, Stop feeling guilty and thinking that it's your fault and you caused your son's autism. Autism is 100% genetic. My 5 year old daughter is autistic. On my husband's side of the family,he has a first cousin who has high functioning autism, also my husbands nephew has autism and one of his cousin's daughter is also autistic, so autism in most cases and in my daughter's case is GENETIC!!!! And now, even the research is coming out saying that autism is mostly genetic. Please stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself, YOU DIDN'T CAUSE YOUR SON'S AUTISM!!!! I know as a mother I felt guilty for a long time, I thought I caused my daughter's autism because I gave her too much screen time before the age of two...I blamed myself for a very long time... but now I have made peace with myself and I have come to an understanding that it's not my fault....its not your fault....., Oh mama, you have to stop beating yourself up. There’s no way to know what caused his autism, and at this point, you are just doing harm to your own mental health. You can’t go back and change anything. So now you need to accept your son as who he is and adjust your expectations. Sounds like your husband could also benefit from some therapy. Stop thinking in terms of what might have been. Focus on your son’s strengths and listen to his teachers and therapists about ways to help him become his best self., Ehh... Autism is genetic. My mother was an underaged child who drank and smoked and meth'ed when I was in her, and there could have been all these terrible things that happened to me, but the only things that happened were not even that terrible. I was born ADHD and autistic and "gifted," so, like the triple crown, right? Or whatever. And you know what, the only one I'm ashamed of is the "gifted" one, b/c everyone deserves a quality education, not just the "gifted" ones!, It's generic. There are studies done on babies who:d mothers smoked weed and it's not been proven to cause issues. Yes we all know smoking cigarettes isnt great but it doesn't cause autism. I've likely caused my son's ADHD and autism with my genes. My youngest getting assessed for ADHD too.l and both their doctors have counted out my ADHD traits. However I've now remembered how I ate nothing but peanut butter sandwiches for 3 or 4 years of my childhood so not much wonder my son's are on the spectrum. Thinking that way isn't productive and doesn't help our children. Tell Ur husband you have admitted what you could of done better but his gambling needs admitted and tackled too. He has zero proof your son has autism due to some cigarettes and weed for a short time, You should look into genetic testing to ease your mind, it was definitely not caused by either cannabis or tobacco smoke as I know plenty of people who have done that during pregnancy and have totally normal children. I myself thought it was something I did while pregnant but turned out he had a genetic mutation that my husband and I are now being tested for to see if we’ve passed it down or if it happened sporadically, please do not put the blame and guilt on yourself for his diagnosis., I tried to do everything “right” during my pregnancy with my youngest that (most likely) will be diagnosed in a few days. Still got hypertension very early on, gestational diabetes later on. I stuck to the GD diet like my life depended on it. She’s still autistic. Not amount of doing what was recommended will change that. Genetics are funny. Don’t beat yourself up., People seriously do hard drugs and there’s absolutely no issues with their children. Then, there’s people like me who did everything “right” and followed every rule in the book. He still has hearing and vision issues, and is quite possibly on the spectrum., I know someone who smoked weed during her entire pregnancy. Kid is not autistic. Another person I know smoked cigarettes during her entire pregnancy, kid is also not autistic. I know another person who never smoked, is a “crunchy” mom, ate only organic, homebirthed etc and her child is showing clear signs of autism. Once again, it’s about genetics., What I would really like you to do is take a big deep breath. Forget about your past for a minute, right now you are seeking support for your son, you are getting him to appointments and you are caring for him and rest of your family. You are doing right by them, fighting for them. You can't change anything that has happened in the past but you can decide what you do with your future. Playing the blame game will not get you anywhere. I know it's easier said than done but remember that you changed and you grew and you just keep taking baby steps in the right direction. I (a random internet stranger) am incredibly proud of you. Your partner's current actions are currently affecting your family. He needs to take steps to better himself too. Blaming you is a way shifting the blame off himself for his gambling problem. You did not give him a gambling problem and you are not stopping him from taking the steps to recover. I'm sure this is really hard for him but I don't think you should continue to support him until he makes real tangible steps to recover from this. Stay safe, put your mental health first, remember how far you've come and keep taking those baby steps mama. In the end, isn't that point of life., My grandma smoke both with my mom and she is not autistic., Nothing you did caused this. Nothing anyone did caused this. Autism is the type of thing that makes you want to know “how”. But there is no answer., Way back in the day, they blamed autism on “refrigerator mothers”. I fear mothers will always be blamed for their children’s problems. Your husband sounds emotionally and financially abusive. I hate Reddit’s tendency to jump to divorce or breaking up, but I have to wonder if this is a marriage that should continue? Is he someone you want to have around you? What are your kids going to learn from him and the way he treats you/your son? i, Now the smoking cigarettes might of contributed to the early birth and low birth weight, but I smoke marijuana till the last month and quit cigarettes right off the bat and went basically full term both times I was pregnant. My kids are Autistic and ADHD, because I’m Autistic and ADHD, the majority of the time that it is a hereditary trait. I’m so sorry for all the other things that have happened that are making things hard for you guys. It can be quite challenging., My parents are addicts. My mom smoked all the way until I was born. When she gave birth the Dr. shamed my mother for how brown my umbilical cord was. I was born 6 weeks early and stayed in the NICU. I graduated with honors. Autism and smoking don't correlate. Autism is linked to genetics., You didn’t cause your child’s autism. Don’t worry about the past and focus on being the best you today for your child., I don’t think smoking can cause autism. It is usually hereditary. Blaming yourself for your child’s autism is very common. I used to do that to myself too… “if only I had induced labor like the dr suggested rather than have sustained labor after a water break, then maybe he’d be normal!” We all have those thoughts. Take care!, I was clean as a whistle during my entire pregnancy and my child still has full blown severe autism. Give yourself some grace. Some kids are born addicted to heroine and don’t have autism, Smoking doesn't cause autism. It's genetics. Also, if my SO talked to me like that, he would no longer be my SO. He sounds like a jerk and like he's trying to find a person to blame when it's just the cards you were dealt. I did everything "right" during pregnancy (avoiding lunch meat, not smoking, the whole ordeal) and guess what? Our son was still premature and autistic. There's nothing you could have done or not done to avoid autism., Marijuana and or tobacco do not cause autism. Your genetics might have, but not what you smoked., I have worked in child protection for over a decade and I have seen parents do a whole lot more and their babies are typical. I have never seen anything really from a little bit of marijuana and cigarettes. I doubt it’s what caused it but I understand what it’s like to blame yourself. For a long time I always let like it was my fault , even though my son turned out to have a rare genetic syndrome and has a chromosome duplication that causes his problems. I did what I was meant to do with him, though sometimes I still wonder because we were on holidays when we conceived and i was drinking until my first missed period and learnt I was pregnant., As far as I’m aware, there is no causal link between smoking/marijuana use during pregnancy and autism. Sure, it’s not “best practice” and has been linked to other potential issues (smoking for sure, not sure about marijuana), but not autism. Hell there was a period of time that smoking during pregnancy wasn’t a big deal. It sounds like your husband is an addict. Addicts are master manipulators and will do everything they can to divert the attention from their problem - the addiction - to anyone else. I would wager that your husband doesn’t actually believe that you caused your son’s autism. He probably just knows that this is low hanging fruit and that by throwing this on the table, you will focus and reflect on yourself and the problems you might have caused as opposed to him, his addiction, and the problems it is actually causing. He’s counting on the fact that this will cause you to question, doubt and second guess yourself because as long as you are wrapped up in and focusing on that, you are not focusing on the addiction and he’s free to keep doing what he wants - engaging in the addiction - without heat. Your husband needs to seek treatment for the addiction. Unfortunately though, treatment for addiction is not going to be effective until he himself wants it and is committed to recovery., Hi there I am an autistic person, autism isn't caused by any of those things , none of this is your fault . I don't think they know definitely what the cause is, but I've heard it can come from the father's side of his family ., My brother and I both have autism. His daughter (2) very likely has autism. My mom didn't drink, smoke, or do any drugs when she was pregnant with both of us. She also likely has autism. Honestly, it sounds like your big issue here is your children's father. I really hope he isn't still in the picture, because he sounds like an abusive asshole who probably shouldn't be around an autistic child., Do not blame yourself and be so hard on yourself. The “what ifs” will drive even the most level headed person bananas. Like many people have said, and I can relate- there are plenty of instances where the mother did it “by the book” and had a child who received an autism dx. With my first son, I didn’t quit smoking complete until the end of my pregnancy, the doctor told me it’s safer to ween, etc; I lived on Turkey Hill fruit punch and tasty cakes, gained 80 lbs, and had an unremarkable delivery according to medical professionals (what I really had was a different story lol). He does not have an ASD dx, but my second son who was conceived and born during the Covid era is Dx’d level 3 ASD before he turned 3 years old. My second pregnancy I was healthier than I had been in years, taking more vitamins than you can imagine during conception due to trying to boost my immune system during lockdown, I lost weight bc the doctor told me to, I ate healthier bc everything made me sick, I quit smoking almost immediately bc it made me sick, I had a scheduled easy breezy C section by choice- so a smooth delivery, a healthy baby, and he was meeting or exceeding all milestones upto a year old. We were worried he was going to be so advanced based on what he was achieving in those first 15 months that we wouldn’t be able to afford the types of fancy schools or even have the slightest idea how to raise such a gifted child. Then he slowly regressed between 15-18 months old and the rest is history. The point is, you never know what the catalyst may be or what role genetics is going to play. Smoking may be shown to cause low birth weight (both my babies were brutes however), but it does not currently have any relation to ASD dx. Otherwise all children born in the 50s/60s would have much higher rates of autism. Back then they told pregnant women to smoke cigarettes and drink moderate amounts of alcohol to keep stress levels down during pregnancy and the doctors smoked in the exam rooms., I'm not judging but I'm also not agreeing with taking dugs while pregnant.. that being said, my son is autistic and I didn't smoke or drink, I took my vitamins, I even refused to take any pain medication while I was sick. I even stopped drinking coffee, that was really tough since I can't function without caffein. I did everything "right". I was young and healthy and had an easy pregnancy with no issues. My son was bon full term and 9 pounds heavy. A healthy baby boy. And he is autistic and non verbal and I love him to death. So don't blame yourself. Your kid is a beautiful being who was just born different., Smoking doesn’t cause Autism. It’s in our genes. Don’t be so hard on yourself ❤️❤️❤️, I have never smoked anything or used any drugs for non-prescribed purposes. A quick internet search or speaking with your child's pediatrician would have settled this for you and your child's father a long time ago. Autism isn't caused by you taking, eating, or drinking something. If it were, there would be far fewer children born with autism now because those substances would have very clear warnings. It sounds like you have an issue with your child's father that has nothing to do with your child. I won't give you advice on that score, but I hope you get that worked out for the sake of your children and yourself., Please don’t beat yourself up. You did NOT cause your son’s autism. You can do literally everything right during pregnancy and still end up with an autistic child. When I was pregnant with my rainbow daughter after 4 miscarriages, I made sure to do everything right. I didn’t smoke (never have), didn’t use weed, didn’t drink (had stopped drinking years prior), didn’t eat sandwich meat or raw fish, and came off my antidepressants and mood stabilizers, had an unmedicated, natural vaginal birth, breastfed for 2.5 years… and despite all of it, my daughter was diagnosed with autism and apraxia of speech at 3.5 years old. The doctor said she knew my daughter was autistic from the moment she met her, it was that obvious. At the time, she was completely non-verbal, would only eat very specific things, still in diapers, had major sensory issues, wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone and would hide behind my legs and cling to me during any interactions with other children or adults. Autism is a genetic issue, and there’s absolutely nothing that anyone can do about it. You can’t prevent it… it just happens sometimes. We actually ended up having genetics testing and it turns out that I carry a genetic mutation affecting Chromosome 2 which is associated with autism, learning disabilities and speech issues… I passed this genetic abnormality to my daughter and she carries the exact same mutation as me. To be honest, I beat myself up for this for a long time… thinking that I ruined her life by bringing her into this world without knowing about the genetic abnormality that I had passed onto her. She is 8 years old now and doing absolutely fantastic. Still has some delays, some sensory issues, and needs therapy and support but she is doing so much better and is catching up to her peers. Most people that meet her nowadays are surprised when I tell them she’s autistic. She is a very special, kind little girl and I’m so proud of her. I promise you that it is not your fault that your son is autistic. I also promise you that it will be OK. Things will get better, you will adapt and learn over time and it will get easier. Just love him and support him for who he is, which it sounds like you are doing a great job at already. Give yourself a pat on the back, and be patient with yourself ❤️ Lots of hugs!, I’m telling you, I didn’t smoke I didn’t drink with with pregnancies or ever in my life. Both of my kids are autistic. My brothers girlfriend smoked weed the whole time and he is fine. It’s just how the cards are dealt., When I had my surprise pregnancy, things didn't feel... real. Like I knew I was gonna have a baby and wanted the best for him but my brain was still only used to doing what I wanted for ME. I really couldn't fully conceptualize that I would have a baby and love him so much, and be so vested in him. Probably cause I hadn't planned on having one, but anyways.. I'm saying this to say what happened sucks and I understand the guilt, but you did the best you could do with the information/brain you had at the time. If you could go back and do it differently, I'm sure you would cause you did it differently for #2. I know if I got pregnant again, I would have no problem dropping the vices I struggled to drop the first time because my brain is wired differently now. Smoking does not cause autism. Lots of preterm babies grow up NT. Lots of non-smokers have pre term babies. The truth is you will never know why this happened, so I'm glad you've forgiven yourself amd learned from the experience. You need to go a step further and put it in a box and bury it. Preferably in your baby daddy's backyard after you move out., I was unbelievably healthy with my son- autistic. My daughter…drank soda and ate donuts and sat around all day because I was depressed - she’s thriving and nt. Genetics…luck of the draw…blaming yourself only will hinder you as a mother. Control what you can., I just wanted to say hi bc I also had a baby at 33 weeks in October of 2020 who ended up having an ultra rare genetic condition as well as autism. I had my second baby in October 2022 vbac. I just wanted to say hi twin! Nothing we did caused our children’s situations. Hang in there and hope you can let go of the guilt bc people do crazy shit while pregnant all the time and their kids don’t have diagnoses., Girl. Ik how hard it is to think oh I did XYZ while I was pregnant and I believe it’s MY fault that my child has Autism. We have ALL been there. ASD is genetic! I took me forever to stop blaming myself! You did not cause it! I promise!, There are fascinating studies regarding the link of maternal immune response (bacterial or viral infection) and the development of neurodevelopmental disorders in utero. I believe this is a very real possibility with many of us., Well I’m adhd and it has nothing to do with any of those things at least not in my case it’s usually genetic., Autism has a strong genetic component. Please go easy on yourself and consider looking into whether or not you are on the spectrum as well., I'll probably get blasted for this, but I smoked weed with my eldest because my nausea was constant and it was the only way I could eat anything and keep it down. She is now 12 and is as healthy as an ox, always has been. I gave up smoking completely with my son, and he had been diagnosed as autistic. Smoking will have contributed to your child's small size, but it is highly improbable that it has anything to do with his ASD., Genetics 🥺genes can do anything.. not in our control., [removed], I'm sure that your son is growing and learning. Your husband is just too tired to go on. I don't know that you really need to continue this marriage, OP..., Hi, I just want to tell you that you are absolutely not the reason your son has autism. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. I have twins and I did not smoke or do marijuana. I was drinking wine before I knew I was pregnant but stopped immediately. I found out I was pregnant before my period was even due. One twin had autism and the other does not. They are 10 now and doing great. They were exposed to the same things from the moment of conception. Which tells me that some of us are just born this way. Also I have a 3 year old who is neurotypical as far as we can tell and struggles to potty train too so don’t feel bad about that at all. Some kids just aren’t ready until 3-4 years old especially boys. My twins were both nearly 4 and the neurotypical one took the longest!, I've known scores and scores of ladies of all ages that smoked cigarettes, weed and drank and their babies are normal. Don't let that guilt fester. Focus on the future., Yes amen. OP, please forgive youself and if you can please get therapy, Yep, same here. I found out I was pregnant during the presurgical testing for my total hip replacement. I obviously had to reschedule that surgery. So I was pregnant on a bum hip. I was in so much pain. I did the entire pregnancy unmedicated. Even had an unmedicated home birth. Ate only organic foods and took tons of vitamins. Still my daughter became autistic. Whereas my NT son, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks with him and I drank and smoked pot the entire time (I was 24). Go figure., Yes! This 💯 give yourself grace, don’t smoke again. As for the gambling addiction, this is above Reddit paygrade, My ob doctor told me to!! She said that given I had come off a ton of heroin and had all KINDS of stress, it was definitely far better to have a mom that smokes 1-3 cigarettes a day and could semi relax, than a mom who totally stopped and wracked herself to bits with excessive anxiety. My baby was born addicted to methadone, and a small amount of nicotine. I sincerely believed everything was my fault. Alcohol and benzodiazepines are harmful to a forming human, so are methamphetamines and cocaine. Opiate/opioids are not, however withdrawal from them IS. Smoking weed can rarely exacerbate an already present genetic tendency- but the myths about cannabis are wild and dangerous. Smoking a ton of cigarettes is of course bad for the developing fetus- but if the person is smoking a half cigarette a couple times a day and it’s monitored by your ob? That’s fine. I did SO SO SO much research about this. Neither one of us caused anything OP., I think the instances of autism have gone up in an inverse relationship to women smoking going down., That's probably not quite accurate. Plenty of babies will have been born to mothers thay did smoke cannabis but have not gone through the diagnosis process. Of mothers who retrospectively reported prenatal cannabis use, studies show their children were 50% more likely to receive an ASD diagnosis than children with no reported prenatal exposure. So the allegation of the blame has a basis in research 'fact'. And we don't know whether other factors also would have put the child at increased risk. Imo, the situation appears to be the father not having come to terms with the reality of the diagnosis. Grieving processes mean going through the blame cycle. As unfair as it may seem, I can understand how the other parent would be struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis knowing that things may possibly have been so different for their child had the mother's actions been different. That's a really bitter pill to follow. Least those of us with family links, are aware from the outset and those with genetic x and other links know it wasn't something they could have predicted. Likewise, the op wishes to be absolved of her poor choices during her pregnancy, and unfortunately, pregnancy choices have further reaching consequences than many realise beyond the 9 months. Likewise, there's clearly communication and resentment between the couple, possibly brought to a head by the birth of the second child as it brings everything to the forefront. In addition to his gambling issues. If he has failed debts, I'd investigate whether he could actually pass the financial checks to work in accountancy. I'd also be wary that he's going to now be accessing the money for supporting his son's condition. Imo, they both need and would benefit from, individual and couple counselling. As well as cygnet programme for parents of younger children (not sure of available outside of the UK?), Same here my son is still autistic. I even quit coffee with him! I drank coffee this pregnancy though and I quit vaping with my first and second to be fair but he’s seeming quite neurotypical for the most part he is already a lot different than my oldest. He’s reaching his milestones rapidly and doesn’t have muscle weakness like my oldest with asd did. Sometimes these things just happen even if you do everything by the book., caritadeatun is not necessarily incorrect. Only a fraction of autism cases come back with a specific genetic abnormality, and scientists don’t understand what causes the majority of autism cases. It might be due to environmental factors that alter a parent’s germ line, or change the way that genes are expressed. I’m not a biologist but I’ve researched the genetics of autism very extensively and I’ve read several books on general genetics. You should listen to the autism science foundation podcast for more information., This. This. This., Here we go again. When is this misinformation going to cease? Autism is heritable, but very little genetic, If your child is, it's likely you or the other parent also has autism!, Thank you! Finally, someone said it. This man is not offering you *anything* except emotional and financial trauma. It sounds like he's constantly making you feel guilty about your son, on top of making everything in your "relationship" about him. Would it really be so much worse to move in with your parents for a bit while you take some time to actually sort yourself out, and get yourself back on *your* track, away from This Guy, who does nothing for you but waste your money indulging his own delusional aspirations?, No, it’s not entirely genetic. It’s in fact, marginally genetic, but most people don’t bother to understand the difference between genetic inheritance vs non genetic inheritance. This is not to blame the mom tobacco use, damaging gene transcription is much more complex than one generation exposure, [deleted], Environmental factors that are thought to contribute to autism: - Advanced parental age at time of conception - Prenatal exposure to air pollution or certain pesticides - Maternal obesity, diabetes, or immune system disorders - Extreme prematurity or very low birth weight - Any birth difficulty leading to periods of oxygen deprivation to the baby’s brain Source: https://www.niehs.nih.gov/health/topics/conditions/autism, idk if i'm helping, but i hope so :-(, subclinically his GFS son probably has some brain differences., This is really not helpful as autism is caused by so many countless factors and sure smoking could be one, but what about all the other stuff people but in their bodies like McDonalds burgers???? Or living in a polluted environment?Moms have enough guilt as it is and moms with special needs kids have it even worse. This lady is obviously struggling and shaming her is very unhelpful and I hope OP deletes this post bc it’s more about her own mental health and marital difficulties than autism, Sir shut up, autism is genetic., Anytime someone makes a choice to become a parent, they are taking a gamble. The life you have is the result of your own choices and decisions. The only person without a choice or decision is your child. Please learn to love the child you’ve got and stop mourning the child you think you were entitled to have., How do you know they're normal., Smoking weed during pregnancy is linked with causing ADHD (from study results released literally today): https://www.psypost.org/prenatal-cannabis-exposure-linked-to-heightened-risk-of-adhd-symptoms/, Traffic all your posts since you started here have been really adversarial. Many have been reported. Please chill a bit, do like me and save your controversial posts for like once a month. Appreciate it., Your information is as fake as as fake can be. A quick Google search will prove you indefinitely wrong. Stop spouting nonsense to people., Most people do not really grasp how complex genetics is until they start studying it …, I mean, you're completely wrong. How is something heritable if it's not genetic even lol... it's all environmental?, Look into epi genetics one can alter one’s gene expression which can have effects on future gene expression of offspring. Current genetic testing does not take into account gene expression just the existence of genes., You are absolutely wrong. My son has a genetic syndrome that is known to cause autism and is one of the leading genetic causes of autism, called duplication 15q syndromes. There are other genetic abnormalities that also cause autism https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7369758/, [deleted], Yes, I do know that. However it didn’t seem helpful for me to provide that information to a woman who is clearly in a lot of mental pain and convinced she is the blame., I did not know this car, Do you mind explaining the difference?, Do you mind elaborating on the brain stem calming, aware parenting crying and attachment play? A lot of these are new to me., i was also born by c-section, fwiw <.<;, Where did I say otherwise. I can’t believe all the people in here defending taking drugs while pregnant. Absolute scum, Correlation isn’t causation. The conclusion was not that smoking weed during pregnancy causes ADHD. The conclusion was “that offspring exposed to prenatal cannabis use had an increased risk of ADHD symptoms and ASD compared with unexposed offspring…” However this is not even entirely accurate and is misleading - the link to ASD was not statistically significant, so the authors shouldn’t be reporting that a link was there as any link could just have easily been due to error, chance or any other factor., Yea- it can be linked. It’s also likely that ND folks self medicate too. The myths are both for and against. My mom & maternal grandmother smoked weed pregnant- And my paternal grandmother smoked none. They both had a lot of kids with adhd lol., https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10127191/#:~:text=found%20that%20children%20of%20mothers,reported%20prenatal%20exposure%20to%20cannabis. https://autism.org/prenatal-exposure-to-cannabis-may-increase-likelihood-of-autism/ https://www.google.com/search?q=marijuuana+pregnancy+autism&client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&sca_esv=992a11cd8a65ea7e&source=android-browser&sxsrf=ACQVn0-uahVFKQ_KnaaRWdX-vXI7jDzcdQ%3A1710015163751&ei=u8LsZZCzLdHw9u8P1Pu60A4&oq=marijuuana+pregnancy+autism&gs_lp=EhNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwIhttYXJpanV1YW5hIHByZWduYW5jeSBhdXRpc21IqzRQtRdYijBwAHgAkAEAmAGbAaAB5geqAQMyLje4AQPIAQD4AQGYAgKgApkCwgIKECEYChigARjDBJgDAIgGAZIHAzAuMqAHzQ4&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp#ip=1 This may be what makes you feel better to think. Though there are genetic links. Many of the factors also are environmental and have potential to be prevented., You can inherit temperament, which doesn’t have genes. Intellectual disability does have genes. You can inherit a variant that only appeared a generation ago, but didn’t exist before. Non-genetic inherited autism refers to autism that comes from non-ancestral genes, it comes from recent variants from one or two generations ago , only syndromes have genetic, ancestral genes (genetic inherited autism is in that category), I have repeatedly said autism is genetic when is syndromic, but it is not a common cause , while is leading is doesn’t represent the majority of cases, Lol I feel you. My husband and I both have spicy brains. What's been more fun is learning about my own autism as an adult, and then seeing my mom exhibit very similar traits. You can go over to the autism sub to see people's perspectives, some as old as mid 40s getting diagnosed. Personally, it seems like a bit of a crap shoot finding a doctor who does autism screening for adults. It also comes down to what you think the diagnosis will do for you, too! For me, it's honestly just been helpful to be like "Ohh, that's why I do that!" As more of a self-awareness and regulating tool., [deleted], Genetic autism come from syndromes like Angelman syndrome, Fragile X , Rett syndrome, SynGap1, Coffin Syris, etc. these are genes that existed for centuries. Non-genetic autism comes from gene variants and mutations that are not ancestral, meaning they appeared two or three generations ago in your family tree. The exact cause of the mutations remains unclear, we only know it had to be an environmental exposure only making an appearance within the beginning of the 20th century . Here some links : https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/autism-genetics-explained/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5789213/ https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-021-05304-1 https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s10803-021-05304-1.pdf, you did not cause this. the only thing you can do is help mitigate it now that it's here. now that \_he's\_ here. please don't ever make him think you don't love him, OP., and i wet myself A LOT as a kid, during school, at peoples' houses, in bed... it took me a... long time... to not wet myself :-(, Literally no one is doing that., Yeah and alcohol too. Like yea your child may appear "normal" but no amount of alcohol is safe, your child has fetal alcohol syndrome period. Their body and brain isn't the way it should have been, Did they investigate why the pregnant person felt the need to self medicate? Because it could be showing that ADHD is inherited, nothing more., Did you read any of the links you posted? The first study actually found no link between prenatal cannabis use and ASD-related behaviours. The link that WAS found was between maternal prenatal stress and ASD-related behaviours. The second link is not an actual scientific journal article, but outlines (very generally - it doesn’t even include any statistical reporting or methodology) findings from a study done with rhesus monkeys, where it was found that giving pregnant rhesus monkeys a THC edible led to changes involving genes linked to neurobehavioural disorders, including ASD. So a myriad of issues in extrapolating this information (not least of which it is missing most of the important information), applying it to humans, and interpreting it to mean marijuana use causes autism. The third link is just the results from your Google search, where you highlighted the first hit, which is just a selection taken from the first article you linked. The only purpose this serves is a half-baked attempt to “pad” your position by making it look like there are more sources than there are. Seriously, this is either sheer laziness, complete disingenuousness, or fundamental misunderstanding of how academic research and reporting works and the conclusions that can be drawn from it. None of what you posted actually supports what you were saying. In fact, the first study directly contradicts what you were saying. Edit: forgot a word Edit 2: and used too many somewhere else, Everything you posted states "may have an effect but not enough studies have been done" so thank you VERY much for proving my point exactly., [deleted], How are you inheriting temperament, from the air? How are you inheriting this variant...through thought or via a genetic basis? A variant from a genetic mutation in the previous generation...is still genetic..., [deleted], Okay.., “Non-genetic autism comes from gene variants” is the funniest thing I read today! It would still be hereditary even if the mutations arose just a couple of generations ago., Exactly. ADHD people are known for having much higher rates of addiction than the general population. I think there was one statistic that as much as half of people with undiagnosed ADHD develop a drug or alcohol dependency., Science is fact until disproven. Even the flat earth was a fact once upon a time. The studies clearly show a link with brain function when the foetus is impacted by this. You may wish to read this as may, I read this as reckless and something that would be avoided at all costs. Who would knowingly risk their unborn child if thwy knew there was any potential risk?, So geneticists are full of shit or you’re just too obtuse to understand? Here, a very easy to understand explanation, but maybe you’ll need a puppet show to get it https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/autism-genetics-explained/, Temperament is not a genetic marker as those seen in genetic syndromes. There’s not a gene that causes specific temperaments or personalities, although they are clearly inherited . Genes that cause abnormal neural function have been identified and they are seen in syndromes . Temperament or personality is non-genetic inheritability vs a genetic stamp that can be biological, a specific personality doesn’t cause brain anomaly unless there’s a pathology or syndrome, Unfortunately some people are still assholes. My dad thinks autism is still a deficiency, or something that's "wrong" about someone. When it comes to peers, I've found most people are at least surface level understanding (in the fact that they just don't know much about autism), so there's better luck there. Meanwhile, I now understand why malls are my nightmare, bed bath and beyond gave me severe headaches, Ikea causes me to *SWEAT*, and why I need headphones at the grocery store. It's also helped with how I interact with people because my tone is naturally at an RBF level at all times., If you read my post I keep repeating the same : non-genetic autism can be HEREDITARY !!!!!, 🙋🏽, The studies clearly do not but I have learned you lack reading comprehension and basic awareness to boot, [deleted], I read your post, don’t worry. I also have a PhD and work in the genetic field. If it’s caused by variations in genes, it’s genetic - that’s my point., Go join the Simons foundation so you can cure their ignorance since you already know everything about genomics https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29420931/, My point is that these mutations are not the same aa those seen in syndromes , for example the MBD1 and SHANK1 variants have altered gene expressions that are not ancestrally genetic

I need help from Christians parents of autistic adults?

Hi I'm in need of some help as I'm confused. &#x200B; I enjoy reading erotic novels and enjoy the fifty shades of grey movies, my mum found out about one of my novels and told me it's a sin and bad for my soul and sick and disgusting. I'm not in a relationship and I'm 29, I don't see any harm in reading them and watching fifty shades of grey movies. But now I'm confused and nervous i won't get into heaven and won't see my pets again. &#x200B; Can any of you Christian parents of autistic adult help me.

Your mum is bullying you. Jesus was best mates with a prostitute and the bible is a lot more graphic than 50 shades, I wish my child could read and be able to comprehend all facets of life in the future. I was raised Christian and while my parents would probably frown and not understand, I do. I go to church pretty regularly and also pray and I can stronly say that no one's perfect, and that's the whole point. Christians also say that you won't get into heaven unless you're a "proper" baptized Christian and such, and I call all of this BS. I just believe that the God I pray to is a loving God, and as long as you're true to yourself and a good person, He loves you. While we have our beliefs in our religion, we still do not know what happens after our death. You're 29. Read and please do live your life., Nothing wrong. I read plenty of books with sex scenes. Gd won’t punish you for this. Gd only cares if you are a good person, Well, considering that God created sex….I don’t think it is as big of a sin as you mother thinks 🤣🤣. Heaven isn’t determined by the books we read, so read whatever you want! , The bible also talks about not wearing mixed linens or eating shellfish. Unfortunately some christians pick and choose things from the bible to try and control others or make them feel bad. You're fine., Dear friend, you will absolutely get into heaven, people with special challenges, get special entry. Your faith might say that those books are not good for you, and that’s ok, but you are an adult and can decide for yourself what you read. Your mom believes she is helping you, even if she is using the wrong way to give advice. Maybe just keep your reading materials more hidden and don’t worry, you will see your pets again!🥰🙏🏻, You asked for a Christian perspective, so I will share. Obviously, many disagree with this perspective, but I share in the interest of increased understanding of an alternate point of view. From the Christian perspective, sex is a good thing *in the proper context*. Just as water can be life giving in the proper context (e.g. you need to drink it to live), it can be dangerous and fatal in the wrong context (e.g. lost on a piece of driftwood in the middle of an ocean). The sexual act has two natural ends: the bonding of the couple and the procreation of children. Because of that, a stable relationship (i.e. marriage) is the proper context. Christians view sex outside of this context as a “sin” because we believe it to be harmful towards human happiness and flourishing. Now, we are all sinners. If that barred entry to heaven, then heaven would be empty. So we trust in God’s love and mercy. It sounds like your mother is speaking from a place of concern for you, though I would say she could have definitely chosen her words better. Christians (sometimes deservedly so) can be viewed as using guilt in order to manipulate and shame. In my view, that does a great disservice to the gospel message and the Christian faith. We would be far better off explaining things from a positive place. Sin is harmful not because God is trying to zap us if we make a wrong move; sin is harmful because it leads us away from authentic happiness. Now, my son is not quite an adult yet, but getting closer. I do not try to guilt or shame him, but mostly just redirect him to better things. He does not speak and his communication is limited, so I’m still grappling with knowing exactly how much he understands. I apologize for going on and on. Hopefully I said at least one thing that was minimally helpful., The Catholic Church just said sex is a blessing from God. A wonderful Orthodox Priest explained sin to me as something that is "missing the point" not something that is necessarily an affront or condemning. As sex is considered a blessing, I cannot see any honestly consensual sex as a problem against God. I would add that m/m, f/f and all of the combinations are still not sinful (consenting); if God didn't like any of these combinations it wouldn't feel good to do it. Where sin and sex comes in is when it takes over your Self in such a way that your neglect the rest of your life (ie missing the point of the gift of life by wanking inside all day...). God gave you this life to enjoy. He also gave you self pleasure (again, if God didn't want it, it wouldn't feel good). Now others have other opinions. Good for them. We all get our own path. But ultimately, this is a spiritual issue that no one can answer for you. It is between you and how you see God in your life that is the answer to this. But just because it is interesting, feels good or puts interesting things into your head is not sin. Jesus said Sin doesn't exist, but is created by man. This adds more support to what that priest told me, that it is less about the act and more about how you fill your life. If you are finding those books are distracting your from leading a full and dynamic life, then put them down and see if it changes anything. I believe that if you live a full life following the simple things Jesus said (which had nothing to do with sex) that you need not worry about Heaven. Jesus talked about Love. All that "forbidden" stuff is pre-Jesus and is less to be concerned about more as see history., God literally tells Adam and Eva to have sex in the Bible. Lmao. “Be fruitful and multiply”, People don’t have to like what you like, but as long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, go for it and just try to accept that they they won’t accept it. Easier said than done, I know. Also, you’re clearly not alone as those types of books and movies are very popular. So there’s no harm in them., Your mom most likely believes that sex, including sexual thoughts, is only appropriate within the context of marriage. Those books are meant to evoke feelings that your mom believes are only meant to be shared and enjoyed between husband and wife. Yes, there are lots of examples of adultery, rape, polygamy etc. in the Bible. Most Christians would point out that these stories are descriptive, not prescriptive. The Bible is full of sinners, not heroes, that’s not a secret. But what do you believe and why? Many Christians would consider reading stuff like that sinful, but it has nothing to do with salvation. You believe in Jesus? You’re in. That’s really all there is to it., Good morning, I'm sure this must be really hard for you as someone who's trying to balance your personal interests and your faith. I work with lots of young people at a Christian High School. I also have a 4 year old daughter with ASD. I spend a lot of time speaking with teenagers about tough choices and conflicts like this. The best thing I can tell you is that the only person who can judge your soul is God. The relationship between you and God should stay between you and God. On the other hand your mother probably loves you very much and feels she has to help by telling you what she thinks is bad. I am so sorry that this is hard for you. What I can tell you is that reading books and watching movies is not going to have you end up in hell and away from heaven and the people you love. You keep doing everything you can to be a good person and God will be happy to have you in heaven., Hello fellow Fifty Shades fan. I'm not Christian any more but was raised Christian and have a lot of religious trauma. I think you need to start planning your escape in any way you can. I just had to stop living with my family when I couldn't take their controlling and oppressive ways any longer. Take inventory of your skills, education you're willing to get, government programs, friends. I know it's hard, but it's okay to give yourself permission to even go no contact. Had to do it with my mom. Parents like this seldom improve with age., My son isn't an adult yet but I wanted to chime in from the religious viewpoint as a parent. 1. Just because you commit a sin doesn't mean you won't get to Heaven. You get to Heaven through accepting Jesus, when you accept Jesus you're forgiven of all of your sins. But just because you are forgiven doesn't give you a free pass to continue sinning - that would be faith without works. 2. No sin is elevated to be more important than any other but sexual sin is called out separately in a way. Paul says to avoid it (flee) entirely rather than deal with it. Jesus does interact with two adulterers and shows them compassion and mercy but does advise 1 to "go and sin no more" (John 8 verses 1-11 for the full story). 3. Your choice of erotic novels can be viewed as "soft" pornography. Even if you're not taking sexual action yourself the mental lusting that can occur can be viewed as a sexual sin. 4. I have never watched or read 50 Shades of Grey to know how much it actually leans into sex. A typical person doesn't have to avoid all sexual references and content that may or may not include sex - sex in normal storytelling content is a means to an end. But if someone has an issue with it - such as an addiction - that's where you want to be more vigilant about your media consumption and do more avoidance. I would really try to evaluate why you like these types of novels and movies. Depending on the answer I would try to find a substitute or substitutes that fulfills those needs. I don't know based on your post how much of an obsession this is and/or how much it is consuming your life, but I would take your mom's warning from a place of concern even if it wasn't elaborately explained. I'm sorry if she was using fear to try and control or manipulate you. And addressing the whole wanting to see your pets in Heaven comment... There is no biblical evidence that there will be pets in Heaven. Animals are not described as having souls in the Bible, whereas humans are described as having souls because they are made in the image of God (the only thing made in His image). In the "end" there will be a new Heaven and a new Earth - it is unknown what that will be like (pets/animals may be included). I just really wanted to let you know because as someone who absolutely loves and adores my pets this was something I had to work through and reconcile with my faith. I know religion isn't popular online but please let me know if you have any questions or need me to elaborate. I hope my comment helps shed some light on this situation for you, Your Mom has beliefs that don’t necessarily match with yours. It just makes it hard because you are at an age where you may just move out, but that may not be an option with a disability., Sure I've had problems with reading those types of books. But this is something that you should pray to God about and ask for forgiveness. We all are sinners and get tempted, including your parents. They first must look at themselves and change before they can judge anyone. Especially if their sins are in likeness with yours., Prostitutes and tax collectors. If he could love them, no one is below being loved or appreciated for who they are. Even the first to have the news of Jesus' birth shared with them were shepherds. They weren't exactly high society either., Thank you for your kind words, i don't go to church but i do pray every night. And I'm also christened and baptised., Don't forget the bans on tattoos and working on the Sabbath, Why shellfish?, Thanks for your easy to understand word, they've helped plenty. I only read erotic novels involving two consenting adults, never rape, never sex with animals always consenting. It's not just the sex i enjoy about them it's the characters, the romance and the way it helps me escape as i have bad depression but i only ever read at night., He's just telling them to do math ok??, Thank you very much for your loving words, I have been conflicted with this as the Christianity sub mostly has said it's adultery and a sin. And your words have really helped me understand, -You can eat anything with fins or scales but shellfish are said to be 'detestable' according to Leviticus 11:12. It also says no pork either., All humans have all kinds of weird stuff in our heads. I think that is normal. I think the 'fear' of the religious is that you will get bad ideas that trick you into doing inappropriate things... (for me, inappropriate is violating honest consent or engaging in something I am not personally okay with... violating one's self). To know these lines better, you need to explore who you are (a life long journey of taking an honest interest in the way you think and how you develop). Just to tap the other side, what you cultivate in your head can move to the real world. So, I wouldn't dwell on topics that are not comfortable to your personal morals or would be tooo off base for general social sensibilities (like the dark topics you mentioned). If you are really concerned about some of the spiritual things, consider that Jesus's best friend was a prostitute. Have you considered looking up her works? And why they weren't included in the Bible when it was clear that she was being taught something unique from the Apostles. Honestly, I think all the churches are over-complicated. I see churches as clubs that are built to help support your spirituality, which is a person's personal connection with the Divine. That is why I said that you need to decide for yourself. We all face death alone; live a life that makes you proud and when it is your turn, you can tell Jesus that you lived enough to experience the miracle/gift that life was supposed to be. As for the depression, I can really understand. Been there a lot myself. A Priest I call the Hand of God in My Life helped me wake up. I still get scared at times, I am only human. But he helped me realize that Life is not yesterday or tomorrow, but what I make of it today. He helped me realize that the Garden of Eden is around us all the time and that we often just blind ourselves to the wonder of Life with our human craziness. Seeing the Garden is as simple as changing our glasses, but the habit to go back to the shitty pair is really strong. I would suggest therapy with a therapist that is familiar with your ND. And start learning how to find wonder. It is all around and, I think, connecting to that is connecting to God... Sometimes it seems really small, like watching a butterfly. The therapy will help you strengthen your belief and understanding in yourself; which will go miles to helping you sus out these weird life questions., Lol, I tried lobster once it was gross, the texture felt like i can imagine eating a handful of finger nails. But i love bacon, I don't like lobster either but agree about bacon. I do like crab, scallops, shrimp and crawfish., What about prawns? And i thought it was just Jewish people that couldn't eat pork?, I suppose. Do they count as shrimp? I'm inland united states and don't get access to lots of different seafood.

I need help navigating a relationship with my EXTREMELY toxic in laws

Hi to all amazing parents here: Sorry for the VERY lengthy note, but I am desperate and beyond the words: upset, worried, disappointed and frustrated. I included examples just to ensure I am not being sensitive and defensive here. I asked my friends and family but they didn’t seem to find me being wrong. I am in search of finding a therapist that accepts my insurance, yet till I find one, I am humbly asking for help from maybe people who have experience handling situations like mine? My in laws…let’s say what you call a narcissistic, yet toxic and complex person (people). They are ALWAYS expecting and on the right! …we need to call them, we have to take the kids to them so that THEY CAN SEE them, we have to accept whatever they do without any complaints as they never have ill intentions, yet if you tell them about how their actions made you feel, you are the drama queen, you are the son stealer or the witch who put a spell on the poor brother (from my SIL perspective) and they made SO MANY comments about my son with intention to put me down…like my FIL suggested I take my milk to a laboratory to ensure it has enough nutrients as my son wasn’t gaining weight fast enough as everyone in family has way chubbier babies who are breastfed , or my MIL suggested to take our toddler son to “behavior doctor”. She would say how advanced my husband was as he started being potty trained at age of 18 months or talked before he turned 3 in complete conversational manner, how social my husband was as a kid and wasn’t a loner from people ever, how amazing and healthy his diet was as she would only feed him healthy stuff, and my SIL achieved all this even sooner… how come our son is THIS WAY??this trait for sure didn’t come from us… or tell me “you need to spend time with your child and talk to him, or train him to use potty as he is VERY LATE” or “try to cook some homemade meals” or “follow my recipe and steps in your cooking” and…. They are clueless on their own identity and tend to trash talk behind every soul who isn’t financially wealthy. (This is very bold in my SIL as she tends to fire up the parents and send them our way and I have caught her MULTIPLE times off guard and all she claimed was that she didn’t mean bad) Every phone call my SIL has with us is like an interrogation, as she keeps asking question about milestones, his behaviors and skills, and our son’s relationship and friends and … Then the parents call with their remedies and claiming they don’t want to overstep yet they think their suggestion is worth thinking about ! From the time I was about to get engaged they did nothing but ruin every chance of happiness we could have. I decided to save our marriage, and we moved away from that whole town as I couldn’t take it anymore. Now every time there is a call (mostly my FIL calls as my SIL and MIL expect my husband to call them), they want to FaceTime and of course my son doesn’t know how to talk and really isn’t into FaceTime and video calls... so they are like “poor baby doesn’t even know his grandparents as he doesn’t see them” Last time, my MIL said that she has a family member that the parents didn’t let have social life and family times and “poor boy isn’t mentally ill, yet he barely got his high school diploma at 25, and still is a weirdo, you make sure your son isn’t like that ok ?” I was so close to get the phone and just tell her that during the time she was supposed to help me in last week of pregnancy and newly postpartum with our second baby, all she did was taking naps, play on her iPad and talk BS. She didn’t even want to hold the baby due to spits falling on her or due to baby smelling like pee. Never did she even try to feed my toddler with a spoon. She would eat first and claim she has pain and in need for laying down and leave. (Situation was so bad that when my MIL’s sister called us for new baby, she was like Oh gosh why am I standing and sitting on stitches as I was less than 3 days postpartum instead of laying on a bed and rest?) Now that I know my toddler has autism and probably never be in a manner to know how cunning and malicious in their intentions they are… I told my husband that if he wants to have connection, he can but he needs to excuse us. I will share only some pictures and short videos with them. As his family has never been of a family , so they have no right to have connection with my kids as … I have ZERO tolerance and time to educate them nor do I want to give them another reason to talk behind my son’s back, they don’t deserve him, period. They can investigate him all they want, and claim every bit of bad comes from me, but I have no intention to share his diagnosis with them till the day I have power over it. If my son becomes an adult and want to do it himself, fine! But till then,… I am just so done with them and hate for my son dealing with their toxicity. If I could talk to my son and explain how they are, maybe? As at least I prepared him mentally to not get so hurt, but now…I don’t think it’s fair. Would you do and take the same approach? If not, why?

I'd love to know your husband's relationship with his family before baby and before you. I'm going to guess his sister is the golden child. He may be the forgotten child or the scapegoat - someone to brag about at times, but mostly the one they need down a peg.  It's telling that his mom and sister don't reach out.  If your husband wants to do the legwork with these exhausting people, so  be it. But I agree that strong boundaries and being LC or NC yourself with your little one is probably a good idea. It's also a good idea to talk strategies of not getting into these discussions where they're searching for ammunition.  I'm a fan of providing NO details. How is he? GREAT! My kids can be doing awful and I'll still say that. If they keep asking specifics, a hand wave and, "oh, it's just same ol' same ol' over here. What's up with x? How is y?" works great. Be boring.  Your husband needs to be on the same page, though. If he wants a relationship, he needs to understand it'll only be him., [deleted], Bingo!!! You got it perfectly! He wasn’t really wanted but because the mom wanted to have a boy, he happened. He does know his family very well and knows me too. He said he is fine with my plan yet always says that they know our son has issues. I said let them analyze him all they want, they ain’t getting approval from me!! He knows well as my FIL literally told me that since I don’t have a daughter am not considered a full parent. His mom only cares for herself and appearances and competition. His Sister however…I think she could potentially be evil force’s right hand or a substitute as she is a planner who acts like a good person then stabs in the back when time comes. I know because at first I really tried to be her friend (always wished to have a sister and I really thought I am close to her) and not the stranger. Babysat for her so that she can attend college, did things that I could do to ensure she is okay, yet when time of wedding arrived she stabbed me bad in the back. I have no inention to say I am a great person, no! A lot of room for improvement but my husband’s family is like another level, and since my son is autistic and doesn’t know all these complexities…I want to ensure he is safe from their stings. (Also thank you for the suggestion, will use it next time), I am so sorry you are going through the hell that I am. It’s plain painful. I couldn’t do NC due to my husband’s love for his father so we moved away. Before our move my FIL made my son’s first birthday a miserable hell for my husband. If they are about to come to visit I told my husband till I find peace, I will take the kids and go for a staycation! As I know they will watch my poor baby under microscope and make a lot of comments. He didn’t say no as he knows how much of suffering I went through because of them. I am also in search of a therapist as I know it will benefit me big time. Thank you, I'd love to know your husband's relationship with his family before baby and before you. I'm going to guess his sister is the golden child. He may be the forgotten child or the scapegoat - someone to brag about at times, but mostly the one they need down a peg.  It's telling that his mom and sister don't reach out.  If your husband wants to do the legwork with these exhausting people, so  be it. But I agree that strong boundaries and being LC or NC yourself with your little one is probably a good idea. It's also a good idea to talk strategies of not getting into these discussions where they're searching for ammunition.  I'm a fan of providing NO details. How is he? GREAT! My kids can be doing awful and I'll still say that. If they keep asking specifics, a hand wave and, "oh, it's just same ol' same ol' over here. What's up with x? How is y?" works great. Be boring.  Your husband needs to be on the same page, though. If he wants a relationship, he needs to understand it'll only be him., [deleted], Bingo!!! You got it perfectly! He wasn’t really wanted but because the mom wanted to have a boy, he happened. He does know his family very well and knows me too. He said he is fine with my plan yet always says that they know our son has issues. I said let them analyze him all they want, they ain’t getting approval from me!! He knows well as my FIL literally told me that since I don’t have a daughter am not considered a full parent. His mom only cares for herself and appearances and competition. His Sister however…I think she could potentially be evil force’s right hand or a substitute as she is a planner who acts like a good person then stabs in the back when time comes. I know because at first I really tried to be her friend (always wished to have a sister and I really thought I am close to her) and not the stranger. Babysat for her so that she can attend college, did things that I could do to ensure she is okay, yet when time of wedding arrived she stabbed me bad in the back. I have no inention to say I am a great person, no! A lot of room for improvement but my husband’s family is like another level, and since my son is autistic and doesn’t know all these complexities…I want to ensure he is safe from their stings. (Also thank you for the suggestion, will use it next time), I am so sorry you are going through the hell that I am. It’s plain painful. I couldn’t do NC due to my husband’s love for his father so we moved away. Before our move my FIL made my son’s first birthday a miserable hell for my husband. If they are about to come to visit I told my husband till I find peace, I will take the kids and go for a staycation! As I know they will watch my poor baby under microscope and make a lot of comments. He didn’t say no as he knows how much of suffering I went through because of them. I am also in search of a therapist as I know it will benefit me big time. Thank you, I'd love to know your husband's relationship with his family before baby and before you. I'm going to guess his sister is the golden child. He may be the forgotten child or the scapegoat - someone to brag about at times, but mostly the one they need down a peg.  It's telling that his mom and sister don't reach out.  If your husband wants to do the legwork with these exhausting people, so  be it. But I agree that strong boundaries and being LC or NC yourself with your little one is probably a good idea. It's also a good idea to talk strategies of not getting into these discussions where they're searching for ammunition.  I'm a fan of providing NO details. How is he? GREAT! My kids can be doing awful and I'll still say that. If they keep asking specifics, a hand wave and, "oh, it's just same ol' same ol' over here. What's up with x? How is y?" works great. Be boring.  Your husband needs to be on the same page, though. If he wants a relationship, he needs to understand it'll only be him., [deleted], Bingo!!! You got it perfectly! He wasn’t really wanted but because the mom wanted to have a boy, he happened. He does know his family very well and knows me too. He said he is fine with my plan yet always says that they know our son has issues. I said let them analyze him all they want, they ain’t getting approval from me!! He knows well as my FIL literally told me that since I don’t have a daughter am not considered a full parent. His mom only cares for herself and appearances and competition. His Sister however…I think she could potentially be evil force’s right hand or a substitute as she is a planner who acts like a good person then stabs in the back when time comes. I know because at first I really tried to be her friend (always wished to have a sister and I really thought I am close to her) and not the stranger. Babysat for her so that she can attend college, did things that I could do to ensure she is okay, yet when time of wedding arrived she stabbed me bad in the back. I have no inention to say I am a great person, no! A lot of room for improvement but my husband’s family is like another level, and since my son is autistic and doesn’t know all these complexities…I want to ensure he is safe from their stings. (Also thank you for the suggestion, will use it next time), I am so sorry you are going through the hell that I am. It’s plain painful. I couldn’t do NC due to my husband’s love for his father so we moved away. Before our move my FIL made my son’s first birthday a miserable hell for my husband. If they are about to come to visit I told my husband till I find peace, I will take the kids and go for a staycation! As I know they will watch my poor baby under microscope and make a lot of comments. He didn’t say no as he knows how much of suffering I went through because of them. I am also in search of a therapist as I know it will benefit me big time. Thank you, I'd love to know your husband's relationship with his family before baby and before you. I'm going to guess his sister is the golden child. He may be the forgotten child or the scapegoat - someone to brag about at times, but mostly the one they need down a peg.  It's telling that his mom and sister don't reach out.  If your husband wants to do the legwork with these exhausting people, so  be it. But I agree that strong boundaries and being LC or NC yourself with your little one is probably a good idea. It's also a good idea to talk strategies of not getting into these discussions where they're searching for ammunition.  I'm a fan of providing NO details. How is he? GREAT! My kids can be doing awful and I'll still say that. If they keep asking specifics, a hand wave and, "oh, it's just same ol' same ol' over here. What's up with x? How is y?" works great. Be boring.  Your husband needs to be on the same page, though. If he wants a relationship, he needs to understand it'll only be him., [deleted], Bingo!!! You got it perfectly! He wasn’t really wanted but because the mom wanted to have a boy, he happened. He does know his family very well and knows me too. He said he is fine with my plan yet always says that they know our son has issues. I said let them analyze him all they want, they ain’t getting approval from me!! He knows well as my FIL literally told me that since I don’t have a daughter am not considered a full parent. His mom only cares for herself and appearances and competition. His Sister however…I think she could potentially be evil force’s right hand or a substitute as she is a planner who acts like a good person then stabs in the back when time comes. I know because at first I really tried to be her friend (always wished to have a sister and I really thought I am close to her) and not the stranger. Babysat for her so that she can attend college, did things that I could do to ensure she is okay, yet when time of wedding arrived she stabbed me bad in the back. I have no inention to say I am a great person, no! A lot of room for improvement but my husband’s family is like another level, and since my son is autistic and doesn’t know all these complexities…I want to ensure he is safe from their stings. (Also thank you for the suggestion, will use it next time), I am so sorry you are going through the hell that I am. It’s plain painful. I couldn’t do NC due to my husband’s love for his father so we moved away. Before our move my FIL made my son’s first birthday a miserable hell for my husband. If they are about to come to visit I told my husband till I find peace, I will take the kids and go for a staycation! As I know they will watch my poor baby under microscope and make a lot of comments. He didn’t say no as he knows how much of suffering I went through because of them. I am also in search of a therapist as I know it will benefit me big time. Thank you

I need help with my 7yr old son

My son who is 7 isnt heavily austistic. however he is very smart and doesnt ever stop yelling and talking and trying to be in charge. We try to accomidate his eating habbits to textures and give him space when needed. Im an old school parent reaching out because im at my whits end. And my wife is a new school gentle parent. My biggest issue is the complete disregard for rules and not thinking before doing actions. He can learn all the facts of things no problem he loves math. However he doesnt ever learn like situational. Dont do this because it will lead to this bad thing. So he always ends up hurting his little sister or breaking things... because he climbs things twists things hits things.. hes not really agressive just lacks situational learning comprehension. How do i work with this..

I choose to stay gentle. I have 5 1/2 year old autistic twins and they’re both struggling to understand rules and boundaries. Yelling at them or being strict won’t make them understand better. The only thing it does is to add more stress and frustration to the situation. My son knows no danger and used to run away as soon as he saw something he liked (sticks, stones, a duck..). We used to yell, shout his name, pull him back and nothing changed. Then I started to just hold his hand whenever we went outside, I asked him to help me push his baby sister’s stroller, took his favorite toy/item so he could hold onto it. By now when I tell him to wait bc I need both of my hands he waits. Same with biting things or throwing things. My son got a trampoline mattress in his room for that extra energy, his twin sister got chewing toys so she doesn’t bite anything she shouldn’t. It takes some time, a lot of time sometimes but I figured since they can’t understand a rule by me saying “no”, it’s easier to give them alternatives and guide them to “how we do things”. We walk holding hands, we jump on the trampoline, we draw on paper (not walls).. try to show him what he CAN do that is allowed, that is safe and that fulfills the same (sensory) need., Have you heard about PDA profile of autism? If not here's a link https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/., Going through the same thing with my 4 year old, very bright but not able to learn from consequences. Former gentle parent and found they did studies (I will try to find the article) that gentle parenting and more aggressive children doesn’t work as well. I kept blaming myself as I took the gentle parenting courses but he will never respond to that type of discipline because natural consequences don’t matter to him., Has he been evaluated for adhd as well? My daughter with adhd’s biggest struggle is the impulsivity (not thinking before she does things). It was so bad when she was little. We taught her to stop, take a deep breath, and ask herself if it’s a good idea, but it took years of repeating that this is what she needs to do (if we caught her before she did something)/what she should have done for it to register. Breaking her own favorite thing (a demon slayer replica weapon) a few years ago really made an impact on her, and helped a lot. It’s still a problem though, at 14. (I did eventually replace the sword thing, just not right away, so she learned from the natural consequences.) Editing to add a link- https://childmind.org/article/twice-exceptional-kids-both-gifted-and-challenged/, I hear adhd. Possibly a combined presentation, idk. But the inability to learn from situational lessons that you describe (I.e, I won’t do it again because I remember the consequences of last time I did it) - adhd people CONNOT think like this unmedicated; they live perpetually in the moment and are driven by impulses (often sensory or thrill seeking to provide the dopamine their brain is lacking). I think you would do your son (and whole family?) a huge favour by having him assessed by a professional and potentially trialled on a medication which could manage his symptoms. Just to add, it’s incredibly Important as a parent to keep reminding yourself these are symptoms; not faults or flaws that are personal to your son. It’s not his fault., “Heavily autistic” isnt a thing, you are either autistic or you are not., I think gentle parenting is generally rendered ineffective by “old school parenting” and vice versa, so it’s going to be tough if you and your wife are both disciplining differently. Maybe pick something together to try for a season—the PDA reference below, or Ross Greene’s “the explosive child” might be good picks—and see if the consistency makes a difference., My son is very similar and "traditional parenting" doesn't work - and, if it helps - reframe your impressions of "gentle parenting" to connected or responsive parenting. Responding is very different than reacting - take a breath, realize they're acting a certain way because they're dis-regulated or needing something. Children don't set out to be vindictive or blatantly defiant. They just don't have the mental development to always communicate what's going on in their little minds and bodies. Look at your childhood, I mean really reflect on it. How much of what he's doing is triggering some part of your inner child. It's not woo woo bullsh*t - I found everything that was setting me off was directly related to something from my past. Don't talk back (someone will slap you), pick up your toys (Mom will throw them away), eat your food (or you'll be forced to finish it at the next meal) ... So when he bucked back at me on some of those things, I was reacting so angrily - but, my anger was rooted in fear for him. Does that make sense? :) Focus on connection over correction, natural consequences (as long as he's not hurting anything/anyone) ... and get on social media. There are a TON of amazing coaches, psychologists, and other specialists on there sharing really amazing advice for just your situation. You have a spicy one - don't extinguish the flame, just help him learn how to use the powers for good. We're going to need kids like this for the world they'll be growing up in. He's a good kid, don't make him feel like he's a burden. Think back to the kids you grew up with - would he be labeled a trouble maker? How many of them grew up with addiction problems because they were punished for their behaviors rather than supported in their needs? Good luck. They're a challenge, but they're also our greatest teachers., Op your child is 7 and probably doesn’t understand that your reaction is the consequence of his own actions. For example if a child with autism is yelled at for breaking something they may not understand why they are being yelled at. This causes a lot of confusion and stress for the child since they don’t understand that they did anything to cause this reaction in other people. You must try to correct the behavior in a way that your child can understand. This is really difficult and I suggest working with a therapist to come up with better ways to address these behaviors., Thank you SO much for this. This is my son. This is 100% checking every box. I don’t know where to go from here but any further advice is helpful!, Please let me know if you find that. I feel either way aggressive or gentle its in 1 ear amd out the other 😮‍💨 and im constently defeated, He was adhd diagnosed and has meds for that. On weekends though we don't give him his meds so he has more of an appetite. Because hes very very small for his age due to his hard time with trying new foods and textures. So we let him take a break for calories. But youre saying its just a "f around and find out" learning type thing? Like they have to make the connection them selves?, We had him evaluated but because hes verbal they said hes in the spectrum but not enough to raise concerns because he speaks very well. They just chocked up his behavior to being gifted and due to hightened intelligence wants to be in control.. and then the dr said "we can continue if you would like with sessions and see how he progresses but i dont really see the point", It is literally called autism spectrum disorder. By definition a spectrum has more severe and less severe cases. OP is clearly indicating their child's autism is not severe. Heavily autistic or not heavily autistic is a perfectly acceptable way to communicate. This is not a medical chart., It absolutely is thus the spectrum, I'm happy to help! I actually have a sibling with that profile and what helped my mom is reading the book Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman. There might also be child therapists that know about PDA and I'd recommend looking into that., Check out At Peace Parents on IG and TT! Casey has been an invaluable resource for us!, [https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/parenting-translator/202311/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work?amp](https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/parenting-translator/202311/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work?amp) https://preview.redd.it/8g6hzzuts2fc1.jpeg?width=1179&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b98ebde2128677157e6aa5bbdea8e7460378e8fd, My daughter is so small (she is 14, about 4’10” and 70lbs) doctors won’t even think of prescribing stimulant meds, so I get it. She is also ridiculously picky, way way more so than either of my autistic kids ever were. Even things she knows she likes she is often scared to try again, and has to psych herself up for it. She also just is rarely hungry. For my daughter, yes, I think she had to make the connection herself, I’m doubtful that’s true for everyone though., Gifted and autistic have a lot of cross over symptoms. People usually don’t realize this, especially the people who think it’s some sort of brag to say your kid is gifted. Maybe look into being 2e (twice exceptional)., I agree! Why are people choosing to nitpick how this Dad is describing his son's ASD!? Let's focus on the important things like the child's behavior, etc. Ugh.., I'd also recommend going to r/PDAautism, The person nitpicking is an autistic child. Very discrete thinker., Thank you!!!, >Thank you!!! You're welcome!

I need help. My tween daughter has an extreme lack of cognitive empathy.

I’m the autistic father of 3 autistic kids. My daughter is the oldest, 12. My middle child is the most obviously autistic but is literally zero trouble. My youngest is 8, and he’s like an appendage. I’m the executive function for two of my kids. I’m also the executive function of myself, which is not my strong suit to begin with. My daughter absolutely cannot recognize what others may be thinking, feeling, or experiencing. It became obvious only recently. She has been having extreme burnout, shutdowns, and meltdowns for months (just after starting middle school.) We’ve had to start homeschooling. We couldn’t figure it out at first. I’ve long suspected she’s autistic, but she was a phenomenal masker…until middle school. She began having severe problems with lifelong friends. She cannot see, for example, that when mom has been sick with norovirus and hasn’t left the bed for four days is not the time to insist she take her to Target to spend money she knows we don’t have. Everything is all about her, 100 percent of the time. Teenagers, right? Wrong. Even when asked why the above behavior might not have been sensitive or appropriate, even after hints, she really truly could not understand why it was a problem. After an explanation, a thorough one, she can understand it and can say “that makes sense,” but she cannot apply the new knowledge to a new scenario. She’s the most selfish and self centered person I’ve ever met…but she goes out of her way to compliment every kid she sees (even today when she went too far out of her way and it was very awkward, so awkward that she asked me why and accepted coaching.) She appears to anyone besides us like a typical cheerful, even thoughtful kid. But I’m not joking when I say that between my two difficult kids and their needs and inability to self regulate that I can even shower. I’m extraordinarily angry. I keep it in. I know they can’t help it. But that doesn’t matter it’s maddening.

Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking., Two things: (1) I’m an autistic woman that was diagnosed later in life. I masked heavily most of my life. The wheels fell off in middle school. Socializing becomes more complicated at around that age. Other kids were interacting in new and complex ways that I did not understand and therefore could not imitate. I became moody, severely depressed and suicidal. My family did not notice or pretended not to notice. Continuous masking if bad for you. If you don’t know that you’re doing it, and you do it all the time then it will chip away at you until you have nothing left. Yes it’s useful. Yes sometimes it’s necessary. But it’s not sustainable, especially if you aren’t aware of it and don’t take time to take care of the real self. I would recommend therapy for your daughter. Like any other child, if she’s consistently acting out in a way that you don’t understand that means she is struggling or hurting with something. As the parent it’s your job to understand and help. Like a baby that gets fussy when it’s sleepy. Don’t get mad at the baby, put it down for a nap. (2) My parents, although they didn’t acknowledge my depression, did realize that I was lacking in empathy. They had many many conversations with me about empathy. I had to be told, demonstrated repeatedly that other people have feelings. When I got frustrated because I didn’t understand other people’s behavior, they would tell me that I was missing information. I would not understand a persons behavior if I didn’t understand their intentions, their feelings, their background. A common phrase in my house was “Put yourself in their shoes” and sometimes they would talk me through it. They would ask me guiding questions like “What is this person doing? Why do you think they do that? What do you think they were thinking? what do you think they were feeling? Does that explain their behavior? What do you think you should do, now that you know this persons positions? What would be the kind thing to do?” She compliments people because she’s trying. She’s trying to be kind. Keep coaching her. It takes time and repeated effort on both your parts., i so appreciate this… i have a m13 kiddo that the OPs description is spot on to our scenario. i feel like I’m constantly having these discussions that always end up with him moaning “i knoooooow” and me thinking & trying to communicate “then dooooooo”. The convos feel like a non stop failure so i appreciate the “keep at it”. logically i know no 13 yr old boy wants to talk about how people feel, so it’s hard to tell if anything is sticking.