data/thor_love_and_thunder.txt

Thor’s retirement is interrupted by a galactic killer known as Gorr the God Butcher, who seeks the extinction of the gods. To combat the threat, Thor enlists the help of King Valkyrie, Korg and ex-girlfriend Jane Foster, who – to Thor’s surprise – inexplicably wields his magical hammer, Mjolnir, as the Mighty Thor. Together, they embark upon a harrowing cosmic adventure to uncover the mystery of the God Butcher’s vengeance and stop him before it’s too late.

* * *

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

GORR: Oh, great and mighty Rapu, we pray to you for water and sustenance.

I pray to you, not for me, but for my daughter.

(WIND GUSTING)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(WEAKLY) I’m tired.

(CRYING SOFTLY)

(CONTINUES CRYING)

(SNIFFLES)

(WIND GUSTING)

VOICES: (WHISPERING) You have suffered.

VOICE 1: Come to me.

VOICE 2: Come to me.

VOICES: You have suffered.

Come to me.

(WIND HOWLING)

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

You have suffered.

(BIRDS AND INSECTS CHIRPING)

(WATER BURBLING)

(GRUNTING IN RELIEF)

(COUGHS)

(OBJECT STABS)

(WINCES)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

Ah! What do we have here?

(GRUNTING CONTENTEDLY)

Look at it.

It’s gobbling up all my fruit.

Rapu.

Bringer of Light.

Oh, it’s one of mine.

(LAUGHTER)

I am Gorr, the last of your disciples.

We have lost everything, my lord.

The land is dry.

All life is lost.

But our faith in you never wavered and now we await the promise of the eternal reward.

Is this why you celebrate?

(LAUGHS)

He… He thinks there’s an eternal reward.

(ALL LAUGHING)

No. No, sorry.

There’s no eternal reward for you, dog!

(GORR GASPS)

What we’re celebrating is a fresh kill.

We just vanquished the holder of the Necrosword…

VOICE 1: You have suffered. RAPU: …before he could harm any other gods with that cursed blade.

VOICE 2: If it’s revenge you seek.

He threatened to end my entire empire.

But, my lord, your empire has already ended.

There’s no one left to worship you.

RAPU: There’ll be more followers to replace you.

There always are.

(SHUDDERING) We have suffered… and we have starved.

(GORR CRYING)

My daughter died… in your name.

And well you should.

Suffering for your gods is your only purpose.

There’s nothing for you after death.

Except death.

You are no god.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I renounce you.

(CHOKING)

(FLOWER GODS GASPING)

(RAPU SHUSHES)

Now your meaningless life finally does have a purpose.

(CONTINUES CHOKING)

To sacrifice yourself to me.

VOICE 3: If it’s revenge you seek…

VOICE 4: …kill all the gods.

Go to Eternity.

VOICE 3: If it’s revenge you seek… summon the Bifrost.

VOICE 4: Go to Eternity.

VOICE 5: Kill all the gods.

VOICE 3: Summon the Bifrost.

VOICE 4: Go to Eternity.

VOICE 5: Kill all the gods.

Kill all the gods. Kill all the gods.

(SWORD STABBING)

(FLOWER GODS GASPING)

(RAPU CHOKING)

(FLOWER GODS WHIMPERING)

(FLOWER GODS SHRIEK)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

RAPU: The sword chose you.

You are now cursed!

Funny.

It doesn’t feel like a curse.

(GROANS)

Feels like a promise.

So, this is my vow.

All gods will die.

(SWORD SWISHES)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINISTER MUSIC STOPS)

(SOFT MUSIC INTRO PLAYS)

(HARD ROCK VERSION OF MARVEL THEME PLAYING)

KORG: Come, come, gather round.

And listen to the legend of the Space Viking.

AKA the God of Thunder. AKA Thor Odinson.

(ONLY TIME BY ENYA PLAYING)

Raised in the way of the warrior, Thor was taught to help win battles, fighting the good fight for those who can’t fight good.

(BABY THOR COOING)

He grew and he grew and he grew.

He was sensitive, like a smile.

And his loving nature did not discriminate.

He once loved a swashbuckling Passionista.

Another time, he loved a Wolf Woman on a Woman Wolf.

(THOR AND WOLF HOWL)

But Thor’s one true love was an Earth woman named Jane Fonda.

Oh, wait. No. Jane Foster.

But sadly, in the battle for love, Thor lost.

Ooh.

In fact, he lost a lot of people in those days.

His mum.

His dad.

And that guy.

And that guy.

And whoever that is.

And Heimdall.

And his brother.

(THOR YELLING)

And his brother, again.

(THOR YELLING)

And again.

(DISTANT YELLING)

Poor Thor had to watch his planet explode.

And then he said, “What have I done?”

It seemed that everything and everyone he loved, he lost.

And so he hid his heart behind a big, fleshy bod, so it could never be broken again.

But just because he was done loving, didn’t mean he was done fighting.

He teamed up with the Guardians of the Galaxy and set off on some classic Thor adventures.

He got in shape.

Putting in the hard yards.

Turning pains into gains, and never skipping leg day.

(THOR GRUNTS)

He went from Dad Bod to God Bod.

But beneath his God Bod, there was still a Sad Bod just trying to get out.

(ALL YELLING)

Because all of the bods that Thor had worn over the years couldn’t hide the pain that he was feeling on the inside.

So he gave up his search for love, accepting that he was only good for one thing…

Waiting in quiet contemplation for someone to say, “Thor, we need your help to win this battle.”

(SONG ENDS)

QUILL: Thor.

(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)

We need your help to win this battle.

Let’s go.

(SIGHS) Okay. Come on, Storm breaker.

Back to work.

We must hurry, okay?

People are dying.

See you down there.

(GRUNTS)

(DISTANT GUNFIRE)

Hurry up!

(YELLING)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLUCKING)

Give me those. You’re gonna break ’em.

(GRUNTING) I am Groot!

Ah, you got sap all over it.

Hello, everybody.

ROCKET: Well, well, look who it is.

How are we doing, guys?

DRAX: Terrible!

We’re all about to die.

You said this planet would be a relaxing holiday.

I said it was going to be, “Like a relaxing holiday.”

But look at that resplendent skyscape.

Three suns of Saturn.

What could be more relaxing than that?

An actual holiday!

Die, Booskan scum!

(BOOSKANS GROAN)

God of Thunder.

King Yakan.

You have finally joined our fight.

Well, as they say, “Better late than not at all.” (CHUCKLES)

Yes, it’s very nice.

As you know, we used to live in a peaceful oasis.

But then our gods were murdered.

Murdered?

And now our sacred temple has been left unguarded, and Habooska’s hordes took control of its power.

It is our most sacred shrine and he desecrates it.

Not for long.

(DRAMATICALLY) Ah!

King Yakan, tell them what happened here today.

Tell of the time that Thor, and his ragtag, motley crew of misfit desperados, turned the tide of the battle, and etched their names in history.

For the odds may be against us, but I’ll tell you this for free…

Here it comes.

This ends here and now!

(MOUTHING ALONG)

Oh!

(WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE BY GUNS N’ ROSES PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(ENGINE ROARING)

(GRUNTS)

(WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE BY GUNS N’ ROSES CONTINUES)

(THOR GRUNTING)

(SCREECHES)

(THOR GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

(STORMBREAKER POWERS UP)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(ENGINES REVVING)

(STRAINING)

(ENGINES CONTINUE REVVING)

(YELLING)

(TURBINES SQUEAKING)

(BOOSKAN CACKLES)

He’s not going to go into the temple, is he? No.

(CRACKLING)

Oh.

(SONG STOPS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Well done, everybody.

We can collectively take credit for that because we worked as a team.

We used our hearts and our minds to defeat the enemy with minimal loss or damage.

(CROWD GASPING)

What a classic Thor adventure!

Hurrah!

(SOUNDS FADE OUT)

(MACHINE THRUMMING)

(THRUMMING STOPS)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT TV CHATTER)

Good book?

MAN: Yeah.

I wrote it.

Wait. You’re Dr. Jane Foster?

I am.

Uh… Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Hi.

How’s the, uh, Einstein-Rosen Bridge?

It’s tough.

Yeah.

Really tough.

It’s… You need a 3D model.

You ever see Event Horizon?

No.

(SIGHS)

Interstellar?

No.

That movie explains everything really clearly.

Um, all right. The Einstein-Rosen Bridge folds space, so that point A and point B coexist in space and time.

Like that.

You just ruined your own book.

Yeah, but now you understand wormholes.

(CHUCKLES)

Watch those movies.

Okay.

Okay.

Saw the Hot Cheetos, had to get it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS NOISILY)

So, how’s, uh… how’s it going?

It’s going amazing.

Have you told anyone else besides me?

When people find out, they start acting weird.

They’re just different.

I don’t need that in my life right now.

Anyway, it’s not that serious.

Jane, it’s Stage Four.

Out of, like, how many stages?

Four.

That we know about.

(CHUCKLES)

(DARCY SIGHS)

Oh, you have somewhere else you gotta be right now that’s more important than chemo?

No.

(JANE TUTS)

You’re trying to get back to the lab, aren’t you?

I have a few ideas I’m trying.

Okay, no, time out.

I know you think your lab work is something you have to do, otherwise you’re letting down all of civilization, but you’re not getting what the universe is actually trying to tell you, so let me translate.

Slow down.

You need your energy to fight this thing.

I’ll fight it my way, okay?

Well, FYI, “my way” does not have to equal “alone in a lab.”

(GASPS)

Maybe it’s time to play the Space Viking card.

It’s not a card.

Yes, it is.

There’s no card.

There’s a card.

It’s tall, it’s blond, and it’s gorgeous.

It’s a handsome card.

Jane, are you sure?

Look, Darcy… I will figure this out by myself.

(BEEPS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

SELVIG: Results are still coming back the same.

I’m afraid the chemo has very little effect.

I’m so sorry, Jane.

If there’s anything I can do, or if you just wanna talk, call me.

(SIGHS)

(RUSTLING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

(PARADISE CITY BY GUNS N’ ROSES PLAYING)

Smell like a king, because you’re worthy.

Old Spice.

(PLAYS OLD SPICE JINGLE)

DIRECTOR: Cut!

(BELL RINGS)

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(PARADISE CITY BY GUNS ‘N’ ROSES CONTINUES)

(SONG FADES)

(BAND PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

ACTOR ODIN: Look at this place. It’s beautiful.

Home.

Yes, home, Father.

We’re here to take you home.

Yes. To planet Asgard.

Asgard is not a planet, my sons.

It is people. It is you!

And now, it is time for me to pass on to the spirit realm.

(ACTOR LOKI WHIMPERS)

I will take my place in the great banqueting hall of Valhalla, the resting place of the gods.

Oh, one more thing.

You have a sister.

And so now, I turn into godly stardust, and say farewell.

Oh, look.

Do you see? It’s happening.

I’m disappearing.

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

No!

Father!

But wait! Brother!

An ominous portal hath appeared behind us.

BOTH: Transform!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

I am Hela, Goddess of Death.

Now, I return to Asgard to stake my claim as the rightful heir to the throne, and no one will stop me!

Join me or die!

We will never join you, witch!

Mjolnir!

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

Impossible!

(GRUNTS)

I broke your hammer!

Time to die!

BOTH: Bifrost!

(CHEERING)

You can almost feel the power of these magnificent and immovable stones.

Okay. Let’s head back to the village where we can drink some real Asgardian mead.

Come on.

(TOURISTS CHEER)

(SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(DEEP RUMBLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(CRACKLING)

(THUNDER CONTINUES RUMBLING)

(MUSIC CRESCENDOING)

God of Disaster, we thank you.

We feared we would be at war forever without the protection of our gods, but now, peace shall reign.

In return for your service, please accept these gifts.

(INTENSE SCREAMING)

As is tradition, the protectors of our world are bestowed with great beasts.

(GOATS SCREAMING)

(MEN GRUNTING)

Giant goats!

Oh, look at those! They are wonderful.

Korg, look at that. Those things are beautiful.

King Yakan, thank you so much.

Listen, um, about the temple…

I don’t wanna talk about the temple.

I know, but if we were to talk about it, I think it’s important…

It’s making me sad.

…to life and material objects…

And mad.

Okay, I’ll stop talking.

(CHUCKLES)

Don’t forget the goats.

Which you accepted, and now must take with you.

No backsies.

Aw. They are beautiful.

Yes, they are beautiful.

(GOATS SCREAMING)

They also scream quite a lot.

They’ll be fine.

(SCREAMING)

I am Groot.

We need to find the damn remote so we can download the distress signal!

THOR: Retrace your steps. Where did you put the remote?

One of your goats probably ate it!

Goats didn’t eat the remote. Don’t be ridiculous.

Well, I ain’t digging through their crap.

DRAX: I love them!

(ROCKET GRUNTS)

They should live with us forever!

QUILL: Found the remote!

I’m putting them down.

MANTIS: Me too.

Is it working or not?

No, it’s not workin’. It’s not charged.

Well, maybe you need to find a charger…

(GUN POWERS UP)

Get out of my way!

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!

(KORG GRUNTS)

THOR: Whew.

Korg, you okay?

Yeah, bro. All good.

All right. Everybody, just relax.

The goats are gonna be fine.

If not, we can just use them for meat…

(SCREAMING STOPS)

…ting people. Meeting people.

They’re a great conversation starter.

And I’ve been told you can summon them with a special whistle that goes something like this… (FAILS TO WHISTLE)

No, that’s not it. (WHISTLES) No, that’s not it. (WHISTLES)

No, that’s not it. You have a go.

(GROWLS)

No, that’s not it.

KRAGLIN: Oh, hey, guys.

Kraglin!

KORG: (FAILS TO WHISTLE) No, that’s not it.

You been here this whole time?

Yeah, you said to stay with the ship.

This is Glenda. We’re married.

(SPLUTTERS) I am Groot.

What did we tell you about jumpin’ into new relationships?

That I shouldn’t be doing that.

Yeah, you can’t get married on every single planet we land on.

I am Groot.

(BEEPING)

QUILL: Finally!

All right, here we go. Distress calls.

FEMALE CALLER: Please help us! The God Butcher has found us!

QUILL: God Butcher?

MALE CALLER: He left them hanging as a warning.

Look at all of these gods, murdered.

MALE CALLER 2: Our greatest champions, now laid to waste.

The horror.

Who could have done something like this?

Thor, where are you?

Wait, wait, wait. What was that? Go back.

Play that one.

Thor, where are you?

THOR: Sif?

We need you here.

My friend is in danger. We must go at once.

Start the ship, my friends.

I don’t know, maybe we should split up.

So many people to save, I mean, look at all of these distress…

(VEST CREAKS SLOWLY)

…calls.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

Thor.

You gonna be okay?

I admire your commitment to each other.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Alas, it’s something I’ll never have.

Buddy, if I may…

You may.

After thousands of years of living, you don’t seem to know who the hell you are.

I’ve been lost before.

But then I found meaning, I found love.

And yeah, it got taken from me, and god, that hurts.

But that shitty feeling is better than feeling empty.

My hope for you is that one day, you will find something to make you feel this shitty.

I have loved before. It didn’t work out.

They either die a grismal death or they dump you with a handwritten letter.

I don’t know which is worse, but it’s why I keep everyone at arm’s length.

(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY)

You’ve grown too attached.

Damn it, I knew this would happen.

You must go. I’ll find Sif.

(SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES)

You answer the other calls.

The galaxy needs its Guardians.

Cool, yeah. We were just leaving…

Shh. I know it hurts.

But it’s better this way. You have to trust me.

To ease the pain, why don’t you, uh, take this ship here as a parting farewell gift?

Oh, you’re giving me my ship?

Yes, she’s yours.

May you make as many memories with her as I have.

She’s a temperamental old lass.

Will serve you well in a tight pickle.

KRAGLIN: I’ll start the ship.

Thank you.

Goodbye, old friend.

A human handshake to the Asgardian shake.

Into the snake that you cannot trust.

(WHOOSHES)

You’re really dragging this out.

And finish with the classic Asgardian high one.

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

DRAX: Let’s go.

(SPACESHIP POWERING UP)

Take care of my crew.

This is gonna be hard for them.

Hurry up!

Not her.

Remember what I told you.

You ever feel lost, just look into the eyes of the people that you love.

They’ll tell you exactly who you are.

(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)

All right. Bye.

For what it’s worth, let’s cling to the good memories.

(ENGINE HUMMING LOUDLY)

We Asgardians say, “May you travel with the speed of Odin’s ravens. I’ll see you in Valhalla where we shall drink mead and…”

They’re gone.

Alone again. Just me and you.

Storm breaker!

Watch out, you frickin’ crazy axe!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

So what do we do now, bro?

Let’s go get Sif!

(GOATS SCREAMING)

(GOATS SCREAM)

KORG: Who or what is that?

Falligar, God of the Falligarians.

One of the nicest gods you’ll ever meet.

Oh, no.

(GRUNTS)

Sif, it’s me, Thor.

Odinson?

You’re missing an arm.

I’m gonna get you home.

No! Leave me here.

I want to die a warrior’s death.

On the battlefield. In battle.

And then I can claim my place in Valhalla.

Oh, I hate to break it to you, but for a warrior to get into Valhalla, you have to die in the battle.

You survived.

Oh, shit.

Maybe your arm is in Valhalla.

What happened here?

(SIGHS) I’ve been hunting a madman.

I followed him here, but it was a trap.

Who is this madman?

The God Butcher is coming.

He seeks the extinction of the gods.

Asgard is next.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

(BELL CLANGING IN DISTANCE)

(EERIE WHOOSHING)

(LOW UNNERVING MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

(CREATURES GROWLING)

(ROCK SONG PLAYING QUIETLY ON SPEAKER)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(EXPLOSIONS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

(CREATURE SCREECHES)

(MUSIC BUILDS UP)

(HORSE WHINNYING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(WARRIORS GRUNT)

MAN: Look, it’s Thor!

MAN 2: Thor!

Take Sif to the infirmary.

VALKYRIE: Hey!

Who’d you piss off now?

This is not my fault. I’ve never even seen these things, whatever the hell they are.

Welcome back.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CREATURE ROARING)

(SCREECHES)

(METALLIC HUMMING OVERHEAD)

(WHOOSHING)

(WARRIORS CHEERING)

Who’s the new guy?

That guy? You’re gonna love that guy.

(WHOOSHING)

Mjol… Mjolnir! Mjolnir!

It’s me, Thor.

Have you seen my hammer?

(WHISTLES) Mjolnir, here, boy.

(SOFT RUMBLING)

Mjolnir?

Mjolnir.

(HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS)

(SLOW-MOTIONED) You’re back!

(WHOOSHES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Mjolnir!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC INTRO PLAYING)

(HEROIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me.

Hello. That’s my hammer you’ve got there.

And that’s my look.

(CREATURE SNARLS)

(GRUNTS)

Hey!

Enough tomfoolery.

Why don’t you take off that mask and reveal yourself?

Come on.

Hey.

(INCREDULOUSLY) Jane?

KORG: Let me tell you the legend of Thor and Jane.

(OUR LAST SUMMER BY ABBA PLAYING)

He was a God of Thunder and she, a woman of science.

And although they were from different worlds, somehow, it just made sense.

THOR: Whoo! Ha-ha!

KORG: And together they embarked on a journey of love.

(LAUGHS PROUDLY)

(JANE SNICKERS)

Thor taught Jane the way of the warrior…

(JANE GASPS)

(WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING)

And Jane taught Thor the way of the people.

And as time passed, their love grew deeper and deeper.

(LAUGHING)

She’s incredible, isn’t she, Mjolnir?

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

I need you to promise me you’ll always protect her.

I love you too, buddy.

KORG: And love that deep has a way of becoming magical.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

Thor set his sights toward a future and all it might hold.

(OUR LAST SUMMER BY ABBA CONTINUES)

But the more he pondered a life with Jane, the more he feared losing that life.

And although Jane didn’t want to admit it, she was scared of loss as well.

And so, they built walls between them.

Thor got busy saving humanity.

THOR: Heimdall!

(WHOOSHING)

KORG: And Jane got busy doing the same.

Real busy.

And eventually, the space between them grew and grew until it became too wide to bear.

(WHOOSHING)

KORG: Something had to give.

I have to stay up all night to go through this data. Okay?

And I have to stay up all night and clean all of this up.

There’s two plates!

It’s two plates and two forks!

(WHOOSHING)

KORG: And then, one night, it did give.

Jane wrote a note.

And Thor read that note.

And their legend suddenly became myth.

(SONG FADES)

Or so they thought.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

You okay?

Yeah… (CHUCKLES) it’s a little, uh, hot in…

(EARS RINGING)

(PANTING) Startin’ to feel…

It’s claustrophobic with the helmet.

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

(RINGING STOPS)

How?

Uh… (GRUNTS)

(CREATURE SNARLS)

(GRUNTING) Can we talk about this later?

Yeah, sure.

Great seeing you.

(WHOOSHING)

What?

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

VOICE: Kill all the gods.

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

(CREATURE SNARLS)

(SINISTER MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GORR GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Hey. Is that the Necrosword?

That’s cool. I’ve only ever read about it in stories.

Then you know this is going to hurt.

(SCOFFS) Pain.

What is pain but a construct invented by the weak?

Okay, that’s very sharp!

(GRUNTING)

Ready?

Don’t touch my things.

(BOTH GRUNT)

(GORR CHOKING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

(GRUNTS)

Yeah, you better run, you coward. (CHUCKLES)

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CREATURE GROWLING SOFTLY)

(CREATURE GROWLS)

(SCREAMING)

The children. They’re taking the children!

(SCREAMS)

Mommy!

(CLAMORING)

Mom!

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING STOPS)

Shadow monsters. Disgusting.

Flew around the world twice. Nothing.

Cowards must have run away. We’ll find them. (SCOFFS)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Quite a reunion, huh?

Eh, you’re telling me.

What’s it been? Like, three, four years?

Eight years, seven months, and six days.

I haven’t forgotten the last time I saw you, or didn’t see you, because you left. (CHUCKLES)

It’s kind of an oversimplification to say that I left.

Ah, no, you left. You did.

You wrote me a beautiful handwritten letter.

I should know, I was there. (CHUCKLES)

You weren’t there…

I was.

…actually, hence the note.

(CHUCKLES) And if you weren’t there to see me leave, then maybe it was you that left.

Fair point. Hmm.

Uh…

Not that it matters.

Like, who’s keeping track, right?

(CHUCKLING) No, yeah.

I suppose we both left and both got left. (CHUCKLES)

Now you’re leaving again.

VALKYRIE: Miek, we need detailed accounts from all the witnesses.

Darryl, get me all the names of the children who have been lost.

Your Majesty, my daughter has been taken, and I don’t know where she is.

And she’ll be found.

Guys, they’re bleeding.

Get them to the infirmary. Now!

Darryl!

Majesty, should we start working on a performance of this entire debacle?

The people need entertainment.

Particularly now, in times of crisis.

Particularly.

(PEOPLE PLEADING)

I did not hear a, “No.”

Nor did I.

Asgard. Night.

Yes!

We open on some sleeping children.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

So, that’s the ex-girlfriend, is it?

The old ex-girlfriend.

Jodie Foster.

Jane Foster.

The one that got away.

THOR: The one that got away.

That means escaped.

Yeah. Yeah… Yeah.

Must be hard for you to see your ex-girlfriend and your ex-hammer hangin’ out, and getting on so well.

What you up to, bro?

(SOFTLY) Come on.

Come to daddy.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Come on. Mjolnir.

Hey! There you are.

Hey.

WOMAN: Do you know what I think we should do?

I was just calling you.

WOMAN: Start an army!

With what? Half our soldiers are dead!

Half our soldiers are always dead!

Where are the children?

Everyone, please go home.

I promise you we’ll have news soon.

Someone needs to tell us what happened.

VALKYRIE: We shall find them.

(CLAMORING CONTINUES)

I just don’t understand.

MAN: You know what?

This is all our fault.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

MAN 2: Stop it!

Asgard!

(COMMOTION STOPS)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)

My friends, we must not quarrel.

In times like this, we need to unite, come together.

I see what’s happening here.

You’re afraid. Hmm?

(SOFT SQUEAKING)

Scared.

Afraid.

Anxious.

(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)

If we are to find the children, we must first look within ourselves.

I’m sorry. Miek, it’s very hard to give a rousing speech with the (MIMICS SQUEAKING) noise.

What are you doing?

She’s taking minutes.

Oh, precious minutes we don’t have.

(WHINES)

You want the kids back?

I’ll be back in a minute.

You can write that down, Miek.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(GRUNTS)

VALKYRIE: No!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(RUMBLING)

(THOR GRUNTS)

THOR: Storm breaker, what are you doing?

Is this about Mjolnir?

Everyone, out!

(SIGHS ANGRILY)

(SIZZLING)

Didn’t find them.

Oh, bae, your cape’s on fire.

It’s fine. It’ll grow back.

I’m invoicing you for this.

Listen.

What do we know about this guy?

He travels through shadows.

And he creates monsters with them.

Absolutely freaky monsters.

He also wields the Necrosword. How do I know that?

Because he almost speared me in the face with it.

What’s a Necrosword?

It’s an ancient weapon that’s been passed through hands since the dawn of time.

It has the ability to slay gods, but it slowly corrupts and kills whoever wields it, which means…

Oh, so, it infected him.

It’s infecting him. Yes. It must be.

VALKYRIE: So basically, we’re up against a cursed, shadow-zombie kidnapper.

Awesome. When do we leave?

(WHOOSHING)

BOY: Thor.

Can you see me?

Uh, floating head alert.

It’s Astrid. Heimdall’s son.

Astrid, are you okay?

I no longer go by the name Astrid.

I’m now known as Axl.

He’s a singer from a popular band I heard on Earth.

KORG: G N’ R.

THOR: Astrid, your father gave you a very tough Viking name and I intend to honor his wishes.

Axl.

Astrid.

I said Axl.

Astrid.

Axl!

It’s asshole.

Now listen to him!

All right, fine, Axl. Where are you?

I’m not sure. I don’t know how to use my magic eyes yet.

Your father taught me and I’m gonna teach you.

I need you to focus and hold out your hand.

Okay, good. Now focus.

Close your eyes.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

(DEEP RUMBLING)

CHILDREN: (GASP) Thor!

(PANTS)

Hey, how’s it going, kids?

“How’s it going”? Look where we are.

We’re in a cage made of spikes.

Yes, right. Not good. Yeah.

Are you gonna do something?

Yes. Yes, I am, but just not right now.

I’m the vision ghost. Look.

(WHOOSHES)

See?

What will happen to us?

(SIGHS) Who can tell?

I mean, this is a very, very bad situation.

You know, the good news is you’re Asgardians.

So, if you die, you’ll end up in Valhalla.

Oh, my God. Go away.

Wait, wait. Listen.

(RUMBLING)

(ALL WHIMPERING)

Okay. It’s all right, children.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s okay.

Listen, I’ve got a plan, okay?

I’m putting together a really, really good team.

We’ve got, um, Uncle Korg, uh, King Valkyrie, um, my ex-girlfriend, Jane, which is a whole other story I won’t bore you with, okay?

But it is a top-notch team, and we’re gonna have you home before you know it.

Yeah.

(ATMOSPHERIC RUMBLING)

(SOFT OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

I know where you are.

I’m gonna get you out of here.

I’m scared.

We all are.

(CHILD WHIMPERS)

ALL: Thor! Thor! Save us.

(ALL CONTINUE PLEADING)

Get me out of here. You take care, okay?

Take care. I’ll see you soon. All right?

Axl, get me out of here!

(RUMBLE)

They’re in the Shadow Realm.

How do you know?

The heavy atmosphere there has a darkness like no other.

It’s as if color fears to tread. It’s unmistakable.

Well then, if it’s color we need, let’s bring the rainbow.

“Bring the rainbow”? Is that a catchphrase or something?

She’s only been a Thor for a minute.

I mean, saving lives, she’s quite good at.

But the rest of it, she needs work.

How many catchphrases have there been?

A lot.

Yep. Jumped the gun.

Hang on, he moves through shadows and he’s going to the Shadow Realm, it seems like that’s where he’s going to be the most powerful.

THOR: You’re right. We can’t just go marching in there. It could be a trap.

We’d be endangering the children.

VALKYRIE: Mm.

We need reinforcements.

We must raise an army.

Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?

I’m thinking it.

What are we thinking?

Thinking what?

I’m thinking it too.

BOTH: Omnipotence City.

KORG: Hmm!

What’s Omnipotence City?

It’s the home of the most powerful gods in the universe.

We could pull together the greatest team ever.

We could recruit Ra, Hercules, Tūmatauenga.

Quetzalcoatl, maybe.

And Zeus, the oldest and wisest of them all.

Did you say Zeus?

Yeah, Zeus.

Like, the Zeus. Zeus-Zeus?

I’m not sure if he has a second name.

Do you think my god will be there, Ninny of the Nonny?

Oh, you never know, Korg.

But if they are, we’ll ask them to join our team.

Yes.

Storm breaker. (GRUNTS)

(WHOOSHING)

(KORG GRUNTS)

All right. Calm down. Relax.

No, no, no, mate, we are not traveling in Stormbreaker’s janky Bifrost.

Look what just happened.

We can’t exactly go in your tiny, little, flying portal horse, can we? We won’t all fit.

What are you talking about? Warsong’s awesome.

Stormbreaker’s awesome too.

Storm breaker just needs a conduit.

Anything that can handle space travel.

I love it when she talks shop.

It has the power to get us there, it just needs something to focus that energy so it’s not so unpredictable.

You know, if we had a ship, we could harness it and use Storm breaker as a power source.

Oh, like an engine.

Like an engine.

You need a ship?

I’ve got a ship.

(GOATS SCREAMING)

KORG: Get rid of all those seats.

And you guys, go tie those goats to the front.

We leave in 15 minutes.

Essentials only, everyone.

That’s essential. Mm-hmm.

MAN: Fifteen minutes to departure!

Well, you moved on quick, didn’t you? (CHUCKLES)

You’re some piece of work.

Oh, hey! (CHUCKLES)

Hey.

Just catching up with an old friend.

Yeah.

I’ve been meaning to apologize.

Sorta acting a little weird before.

I just haven’t really been myself lately.

You know, kind of…

Trying to figure out who I am, and, uh, just felt a little bit lost.

And then, all of a sudden, I see you dressed as me and it was kind of… (CHUCKLES)

It’s a lot for me, too.

So, how did you guys get together? How did this happen?

I swear I heard Mjolnir call to me.

Ah! Did it?

And so I came here to investigate, and its pieces started glowing and swirling, and then…

Crazy.

…Thor.

Ah.

Well, you know what, it looks good on you, it works, so…

Whew. (CHUCKLES)

Just checking.

JANE: (CHUCKLES) See you later.

MAN: Five minutes to departure!

(LOW METALLIC HUMMING)

What?

We were just talking.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(UNEASY MUSIC PLAYING)

GIRL: Mommy, don’t leave me.

Don’t be afraid.

Even when I’m gone, honey…

You won’t be alone.

And whatever happens… never stop fighting.

Never stop fighting.

(MUSIC BUILDING UP)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey. You all right?

Great. (CLEARS THROAT)

Mm.

The sink would say otherwise.

You think I really should be coming?

I’m not getting any better.

You’re a Thor. Of course, you should come.

Besides, what else are you gonna do?

You’re a Viking now.

Means you pretty much have to die in battle, and it needs to be devastatingly painful.

Otherwise, you don’t get into Valhalla.

That’s my plan.

What about, you know, kinging and stuff?

I love being king. I love my people, but it’s all meetings and raven-mail, and meetings that could’ve been raven-mail.

I miss fighting.

I miss my sisters.

Which is why you need to come, ’cause I need one.

Okay, we should go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You packed?

Are you packed?

Yes!

(GASPS)

A hand grenade?

No. It’s a portable speaker.

(BUTTON CLICKS)

(FAMILY AFFAIR BY MARY J. BLIGE PLAYING)

(TURNS OFF MUSIC)

Let’s go.

If you don’t mind keeping the sink thing under wraps?

I got you.

(WEAPONS CLANG)

(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)

My fellow Asgardians…

Wish us well, for we shall travel with the speed of Odin’s ravens.

We will return with children.

(ASGARDIANS CHEERING)

Many children.

And then we shall feast!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Not on the children.

(ASGARDIANS EXCLAIM)

We do not do that anymore.

Those were dark times. Shameful times.

Okay, we should go.

(GOATS SCREAMING)

(HEROIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(METALLIC TINKLING)

(GOATS SCREAM)

(HEROIC ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(GOATS SCREAM)

(ANCIENT MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

So, you still rollerblading?

No. No. You?

Oh, yeah. Every weekend.

Once you blade, you never fade. Right, Korg?

KORG: Skate mates for life!

Hey, can I run something by you?

Yeah.

So, I was thinking, when we get to the bad guy, what about if I had, like, a cool catchphrase?

Like, “Eat this hammer!” Bang!

(THOR CHUCKLING)

Or, like, “Check out my hammer.” Boom!

Like, what about, um…

No… I’m work shopping it.

No, they are all really good. Mine is, uh, “This ends here and now.”

Oh, that’s such a good one.

Took me a long time to perfect it.

You’ll get there. You just need to practice.

Just my first bad guy.

You never forget your first.

Yeah.

So, you got a girlfriend?

Oh… No, no. (CHUCKLES)

Too busy, don’t have time, you know?

Just the work and everything.

Cool. Gonna check this place out.

(WHOOSHING AND CRACKLING)

Oh, wow. (CHUCKLES)

So cool.

Who’s so cool?

Huh?

The buildings are cool.

What’s happening there?

Where?

Am I, uh, sensing feelings?

(SNORTS) Feelings?

What, for Jane?

Mm-hmm.

No, don’t be ridiculous. Feelings.

The last time we had feelings were long time ago. Long, long gone. I think you…

Maybe you have feelings.

Right.

Oh… (CHUCKLES) Mate, relax.

I don’t know.

We’re on the same team.

Know exactly what team we’re on, okay?

Team Jane.

(LAUGHS)

(SOFTLY) Um…

AXL: Thing about Thor is that he always bounces back.

CHILD: Yeah.

Like when Hela stole his hammer, he went and built an axe which was forged in the heart of a dying star.

(CHILDREN GASP AND EXCLAIM)

And the same axe was used to cut off Thanos’ head.

(CHILDREN EXCLAIM)

(CHUCKLING) That’s a good one.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

What a neat story!

Ah, with all this talk about chopping off heads, I wanna have a go.

What’s this?

(CHILDREN WHIMPER)

Oh.

(CHUCKLING)

Aw!

This is Octy. Hello, Octy.

(HISSING)

How are you?

(GIRL WHIMPERS)

(IN FALSETTO) You know what Octy loves?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Having his head ripped off!

(BONES SNAP)

(CHILDREN SCREAMING, CRYING)

What? You liked it a second ago.

(IN FALSETTO) All right, all right, all right.

Octy’s gone.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Come on. (SHUSHING)

I’m scared.

Aw, look at you.

I knew a little girl just like you.

And she was brave, and she was smart… and funny and she liked to draw.

(CHILDREN WHIMPERING)

Let me ask you a question about gods.

They’re meant to protect you, right?

Well, where are they?

Thor is on his way.

CHILDREN: Yeah!

Yes. I’m counting on that.

That’s why you’re here.

THOR: It’s invitation only, so we’re gonna have to keep a low profile and blend in.

Luckily, disguises are my specialty.

Greek philosopher?

Got us these.

THOR: What are those?

Actual disguises.

They’re the cloaks of the emotion gods.

Every color signifies a different emotion.

Where are the emotion gods?

Mm. Don’t ask.

(MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Holy shit.

Welcome to the Golden Temple, kids.

This is where the most powerful creator gods in the universe hang out.

(DRAGON GRUNTS)

VALKYRIE: There’s the god of magic, the god of dreams, the god of carpentry.

(GASPS) Look at that one.

Oh, yes. That’s Bao, god of dumplings.

Psst. Hey, Bao!

BAO: (GIGGLES) Bao.

Look up there, guys!

That’s the Kronan god, Ninny of the Nonny.

Hey, Ninny Nonny!

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(RUMBLING AND CRACKLING)

GODS: (CHANTING) Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

(FANFARE STOPS)

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

(FANFARE RESUMES)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Zeus! Zeus!

(ELECTRICITY SURGES)

(FANFARE STOPS)

(GODS CHEERING)

(MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes.

I am Zeus!

Yassas!

Oh, there he is!

The man, the myth, the legend.

Oh, I don’t know if you know this, but I base a lot of what I do on this guy.

He’s the god of lightning, I’m the god of thunder.

Huge source of inspiration.

That’s really good.

You should lead with that when you ask him for an army.

Ah.

Um, how do we get up there?

Do we just, like, fly?

No, we can’t interrupt him in the middle of an entrance.

He’s famous for his entrances.

GODS: (CHANTING) Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt!

Yes!

(GODS CHEERING)

(BLASTS)

ZEUS: Zeus!

(WHOOSHING)

(THOR EXCLAIMS JOYFULLY)

(FANFARE PLAYING)

Yes! Thunderbolt!

(GODS CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Order.

Order!

Silence! Silence!

(CHEERING AND MUSIC STOP)

(PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC)

I hereby open this holy council of the god.

Where we have many, many serious matter to be talk about.

Such as, where are we going to hold this year’s orgy?

(GODS CHEERING)

Is this guy for real?

Honestly, I’m not mad at it.

Yeah, I’m sure he has a point, okay?

(SHUSHES)

Sorry.

So now we’re going to announce the winner of the, “Most human souls sacrificed in the name of a god.”

Okay, maybe he’s not that great.

Oh, no, not good.

No, I don’t think it’s gonna get any better than this.

Look, these gods aren’t gonna help.

But that thunderbolt, I think that might be of use.

(ZEUS EXCLAIMS)

Jane, you go right. Thor, you go left.

(GODS LAUGH AND CHEER)

We bum-rush him, take the bolt, ding-dong.

All right, let’s go get it!

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

There’s no ding-donging or bum-rushing.

Especially not Zeus’ bum.

When the time is right, I’m gonna talk to him.

The time is right now.

Time is not right now.

ZEUS: Who is talking?

Who is talking?

These guys.

Korg, shut up.

Do you have something to say to the group?

Sorry.

I’m bashing heads in 60 seconds, so speak fast.

Literally, heads will roll.

(WHISPERS) Who are you two?

Hello. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, let me be the first to say it is an honor and a privilege to be…

No, I can’t hear you.

Why don’t you take the stage?

The stage down there?

Well, yes. You see the area that looks very much like a stage?

(GODS LAUGHING)

Got ya.

(VALKYRIE MOUTHING)

THOR: (GRUNTING) Coming through.

Oops. Sorry.

KORG: Good luck, bro.

Mighty Zeus!

(CHUCKLES) Wow!

Gods of the universe, I come here to ask for your help, to raise an army.

There’s a maniac called the God Butcher who seeks to end us all.

His destruction is everywhere.

Entire planets, realms have been left completely unprotected.

He’s left nothing but chaos in his wake.

But I know where he is, and with your help, we can crush him before he kills anyone else.

(GODS MURMURING)

ZEUS: That guy,

he killed a couple of low-level god.

Eh. Boo-hoo.

If that’s all, pretty boy…

(GODS LAUGH)

…you go back to your seat and you be quiet.

Yeah, I’m sorry. Did you not hear any of what I just said?

He’s… He’s murdering en masse.

I tell you one time, now, you shut up.

You be quiet.

Because you are this close to being uninvited to the orgy.

Zeus, we must do something.

You cannot come to the orgy!

You have to listen to us!

ZEUS: That’s it!

Shackle!

Your Highness, whenever you’re ready, you just tell me.

We go on my signal.

Mm-hmm.

What is the signal?

It’ll be, “Go.”

KORG: Hmm.

ZEUS: Let’s see who you are.

I take off your disguise.

And flick!

(GODS MURMUR)

(HARP TRILLS)

(GODS GASP)

(WOLF-WHISTLING)

You flicked too hard, damn it!

(GODS EXCLAIM)

Should we help him?

I mean, eventually.

Grape?

Mm, looks like a shy courgette.

And what about the others?

We take off their disguise too.

Oh, no. No. Don’t flick us.

KORG: It’s cool.

Uh… Disguise gone!

Disguise off. Cool?

ZEUS: Asgardians.

I thought we’d seen the last of you when Odin died.

You are Thor, the God of Thunder.

But is not thunder just the sound of lightning?

(GODS LAUGHING)

Good one, Dad.

THOR: Zeus, this is bigger than us.

He’s taken Asgardian children.

Who do you think we are? The god police?

Every god watches over their own peoples.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Asgardian problems are Asgardian problems. Hmm?

How the mighty have fallen.

My hero, Zeus, afraid.

(GODS GASP)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(SOFTLY) Couple of thing. (CHUCKLES)

One, yes, I am scared.

Gorr has the Necrosword, which means he could kill us.

Not good. Two, I know you’re trying to do the right thing.

I understand.

But all you do is cause a panic.

Panic is not good.

We are safe here.

You, my friend, you are safe here.

So, chill, baby cake.

Have some wine, have some grape.

Anything goes here in Omnipotence City. Hmm.

Three, don’t talk back to Zeus.

I flicked too hard. I put your clothes back on.

(CHUCKLES)

(LOUDLY) Now I put your clothes back on!

Flick, flick.

For this is the Golden Temple of the god.

(WOMEN SIGH)

It’s not a rudie-nudie festival.

(GODS LAUGH)

If you’re not gonna help us, then at least let us use your weapon.

We need your lightning bolt.

My lightning bolt is called Thunderbolt.

So, I think, to use somebody’s secret weapon like this, that you should at least get the name right when you ask.

Can I borrow Thunderbolt?

Thunderbolt!

(THUNDERBOLT CLANGS)

(GODS CHEERING)

(GODS EXCLAIM)

(ZEUS HUFFING)

(GODS EXCLAIM)

No!

(GODS LAUGHING)

Do not worry.

The God Butcher, he will not reach Eternity.

Eternity?

What does he mean, reach Eternity?

Oh, shit.

Eternity is a very powerful being at the center of the universe.

It will grant the desire of the first person who reaches it.

JANE: So, it’s like a wishing well?

(SIGHS)

What do you think a guy called the God Butcher would wish for?

If he seeks the Altar of Eternity, that means he could wipe us out at once.

Zeus, we must act now.

He’s not going to make it.

He doesn’t have the key.

Is this the purpose of the gods?

To hide away in a golden palace like cowards?

Maybe we have lost our way.

(GODS EXCLAIM)

You know what? We’ll stop him ourselves.

I am afraid I cannot allow that.

This is a secret place known only to the gods.

You know where we are.

The God Butcher could use you to find us.

This is no good.

So now, you must stay.

Guards!

(GODS EXCLAIM)

VALKYRIE: Hey.

Can we do my plan now?

Yes. Rush his bum.

Hell, yeah!

(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, you didn’t say, “Go.”

(ALL GRUNTING)

Coming, guys!

(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

Thor, catch!

Korg!

Val, duck!

(GRUNTS)

Korg!

Thor.

(KORG GROANING)

Oh, no. No. Korg!

Thor, I’m… I’m perishing!

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Zeus!

You’re next, Odinson!

(GROWLS)

(GASPS)

That’s the sound of lightning.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ZEUS WHEEZING)

(GODS GASP)

No!

(WHISPERS) Korgi.

(LOUDLY) Korgi!

KORG: Thor.

Korgi?

KORG: I’m down here.

Where? Where are you?

I’m gonna get you out. It’s okay.

Korg. Korgi!

Here I am!

I didn’t die!

Oh, my God. Yes! You’re alive!

Turns out the only part of a Kronan that’s alive is his mouth.

Korgi, listen. I need you to call the goats.

I’ll do my best.

Guard him with your life.

I will. Ready to go for a ride?

(ALL GRUNTING)

Now you’ve got my six.

Eight o’clock, Val.

(VALKYRIE GRUNTING)

7:48.

I can do this, damn it. (WHISTLES)

No, that’s not it. (WHISTLES) No, that’s not it.

(WHISTLES) Nope.

(WHISTLES) Come on, Korg, purse those lips.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(WHISTLES LONG, MYSTICAL NOTE)

(SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)

(SWEET CHILD O’ MINE BY GUNS N’ ROSES PLAYING)

I did it!

(GOATS SCREAMING)

(SWEET CHILD O’ MINE BY GUNS N’ ROSES CONTINUES)

(GOATS SCREAMING)

THOR: And then the goat boat came in, rescued us, and we flew out the window.

(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)

The end.

Another classic Thor adventure.

I can’t believe you killed Zeus.

Well, you know what they say, never meet your heroes.

(CHILDREN EXCLAIM)

But what’s important is we are on our way to you right now.

How are you guys doing? Are you okay?

We’re all right. A little scared.

Well, listen, I know what it’s like to be scared.

And I’ll tell you, when I was your age, I don’t think I would have been as brave as you.

Really?

In fact, might just be the bravest Asgardians that I’ve ever met.

All of you.

(CHILDREN EXCLAIM)

So I need you to keep being brave, all right?

And take care of each other. You’re a team now.

Team Kids in a Cage.

(CHILDREN CHUCKLING)

Can you do that?

Yeah. I think we can do that.

I know you can.

(ON SPEAKERS) That’s the way I gotta have it

(SONG STOPS)

Right?

AXL: Thor?

Yeah.

I’m glad I met my hero.

Oh, thanks, buddy. (CHUCKLES)

I bet you want the goodies

(GRUNTS)

How are the children?

As you can imagine, they’re a little bit scared because they’re kids,

but I told them that everything is going to plan.

Oh, so you lied to them?

We still have a plan?

Yes, there’s a plan.

There’s no plan.

THOR: There is a plan.

No. There’s no plan.

We failed to raise a god army, Korg is dead.

He’s not dead.

KORG: I’m not dead.

Well, he’s a head. And you, you got properly humiliated.

No, I got properly naked, which I am okay with.

Jane?

I was okay with it.

Korg?

I loved it.

The point is, we are going into the Shadow Realm weaker than we were before.

I mean, we’re gonna die.

No one’s gonna die, okay?

Really?

Everything is fine. We did great back there.

We killed Zeus!

You killed Zeus.

I mean, that may or may not be catastrophic for the whole universe, and, sure, the entire god kingdom is probably going to hunt us down for the rest of our days, but listen, you stole this beautiful weapon.

All right? This is the army right here.

It’s sleek, it’s slender, it’s powerful, it’s beautiful…

(CRACKLES)

Ah, for you. I love it for you, Valkyrie.

I mean, it’s not really what I’m into ’cause I’ve got my weapon out there.

Can I borrow that for a second?

Ah, there you are, old friend.

That was quite an entrance back there.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Listen, uh, are we good?

Yeah?

I mean, I know it’s a little weird having my ex-weapon around, but come on, Mjolnir, in the past.

It’s you and me now, buddy.

You know what?

I think it’s time for your first beer. What do you say?

(METALLIC HUMMING)

Delicious.

Hmm. I’m sorry we’ve been fighting lately.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

JANE: Hey.

Oh, hey.

It’s quite the view, huh? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Beautiful.

I just want to say that was very, very impressive what you did back there.

You and Mjolnir, you know.

(MUTTERS)

Yeah.

Space dolphins.

What?

(CLEARS THROAT) You should see some space dolphins…

What?

(DISTANT ANIMAL CALL)

Oh, wow. (GASPS)

(FUMBLES) Yeah.

Beautiful. Wow.

THOR: So beautiful. So rare.

Very loyal creatures.

They mate for life, in packs of six.

Just love.

KORG: (SINGING) With a hey ninny-nonny

And a fair finny-fonny

Ooh, brother man, you look so hot

I wanna get in your rocks

When we get together We’re gonna get it on

And we’re all gonna make some babies, uh

That is the song that my dad sang to my other dad when they were courting.

When two Kronans wanna make a baby, they get together inside a mountain, and they go down to a little lava pool, and they hold hands over the hot lava, and then, after a month, they pull their hands apart and they find they’ve created a beautiful new Kronan baby boy.

Mm, fascinating. And hot. (CHUCKLES)

Did you ever have a special someone?

(CHUCKLES) I’ve had so many special someones.

But I don’t know…

I don’t know if I want that again.

Is that because you lost your girlfriend in battle and never forgave yourself?

And now, you’re just trying to find answers in the bottom of a bottle, or some meaningless dalliance, which only serves to numb the pain instead of bringing you real happiness or satisfaction?

Yeah. Something like that.

Hmm.

(SPACE DOLPHINS CALLING)

Beautiful. Beautiful things.

(THOR BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIGHS) Jane.

Thor.

I wanna feel shitty about you.

What?

(HESITATING)

I wanna feel shitty about something

and I think that’s you.

Not really getting any better.

It’s not, is it? Damn it.

I wanna…

My friend, he told me that it’s better to feel shitty

from losing love than it is to never experience love

and to feel nothing at all, to feel empty,

and I think he was right,

which is how I’ve been feeling for a long time.

I’ve pushed people away, kept them at a distance

because of the fear of that loss,

but I don’t wanna do that anymore.

I don’t wanna live like that.

Better to close off your heart than feel the pain.

That’s what I did, yes. I closed off my heart

and… and I meditated. Did you meditate?

No. It’s so boring.

It actually made me more angry. (CHUCKLES)

But I’m tired of giving myself over to the idea of fate

and trying to figure out what the universe wants from me.

I wanna live in the moment,

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow,

throw caution to the wind. I want…

I wanna be with you, Jane.

Ah.

What do you say?

I have cancer.

I’m sorry, what?

I’m sick.

Wait. What’s happening?

Bye.

Uh… (CLEARS THROAT)

No, no, no. Jane, Jane, Jane.

Wait, wait, wait. Jane.

What did I say?

I didn’t mean that. Just kidding.

I…

don’t have cancer. (SCOFFS)

Let’s go smash something.

Jane, I’m so sorry.

Don’t be sorry for me.

When did you find out?

(VOICE BREAKS) Um…

Like six months ago.

I was just feeling tired, and then

they told me I have Stage Four.

Get my affairs in order.

And then I heard Mjolnir calling me,

so I thought maybe, if science isn’t working,

maybe Viking space magic. (BREATHES SHAKILY)

That’s why you came to New Asgard.

Yeah, I thought the hammer maybe could cure me,

and I think it’s getting better.

Maybe not.

Jane, none of us know how long we have.

We don’t know what tomorrow holds.

And Mjolnir…

Mjolnir chose you.

And it chose you because you’re worthy.

And that’s something.

When I first met you,

I was unworthy.

I was unable to pick up that hammer.

But you taught me

there is no greater purpose than to help those in need.

You made me worthy.

So whatever you wanna do, we can do together.

Okay.

Now what do you wanna do?

I wanna get those children back to their families.

I wanna finish that mission.

Spoken like a true Thor.

Hmm.

How do you feel now?

So scared.

How are you feeling?

Shitty.

How shitty?

Really shitty.

Well, then…

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I wonder what those two are talking about out there.

Yeah, they’re not talking.

Oh!

Do you think those two will ever hold hands

over a hot lava pool and make a Thor baby?

It’s unlikely, sadly.

Mm, that’s too bad.

I think Thor would make a great dad.

Hey. We’re here.

(SOFT WHOOSHING)

KORG: Where did all the color go?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDING UP)

(THUD)

(GOATS SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

JANE: They’re not here.

Where are they?

(JANE BREATHING HEAVILY)

What the hell is this place?

(MJOLNIR HUMMING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

JANE: Bifrost is the key?

(LOW GROWLING)

(GASPS)

It’s a trap!

(GRUNTS)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFTLY) You wanna tell me why you just threw

Storm breaker out the window?

He needs it to open the Gates of Eternity.

(SINISTER MUSIC CONTINUES)

(YELLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GORR EXHALING DEEPLY)

(STRAINING)

We really have to stop meeting like this.

Call the axe.

I’ll call the axe when you call the dentist.

Call the axe.

Tell me where the children are or I’m gonna kill you.

(THOR STRAINING)

Call the axe.

(THOR GRUNTING)

Some god you are.

You know nothing of being a god.

You went to the gods for help, and they did nothing.

We’re alike in that sense.

(SCOFFS) He’s nothing like you.

What was that?

(WHISPERS) I said he’s nothing like you.

That’s right.

I’m not a hypocrite. I’m truly creating peace.

Peace? You’re murdering innocent gods.

Innocent?

Are you a Valkyrie?

Yes.

(LAUGHS) How exciting!

Oh, the gods failed you, too,

when your sisterhood was led to slaughter.

Don’t you dare speak… (GRUNTS)

Did you pray to the gods

when the women you loved laid dying on the battlefield?

(VALKYRIE WHIMPERING)

Did you beg them for help

as your family was massacred?

Good chat.

(SEETHING)

This one.

You’re interesting.

You’re different.

(JANE GRUNTS)

Yes.

(JANE STRUGGLING)

Aw.

(JANE BREATHING SHAKILY)

(JANE GRUNTS)

You’re dying.

I’m sorry.

We’re on the same path.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Just as the sword empowered me,

the hammer empowered you.

But it did nothing to change your fate.

The gods will use you,

but they will not help you.

There is no eternal reward for us.

(JANE GRUNTS)

She’ll be gone soon.

And you know who won’t help her?

I’ll give you one guess.

(STRAINED GRUNT)

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GORR SNIFFS, SIGHS)

I know your pain.

Love is pain.

I had a daughter once.

I put my faith in a higher power

hoping it would save her,

and she…

died.

(SIGHS)

Now I understand.

My daughter is the lucky one.

She does not have to grow up in a world of suffering

and pain

run by wicked gods.

Choose love.

Call the axe.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

(WHOOSHING)

(CRUNCHING)

(STRAINED GROANING)

Call

the axe.

(CRUNCHING)

(VALKYRIE AND THOR GRUNTING)

(THOR GRUNTS LOUDLY)

(CHOKING)

(GROWLING IN EFFORT)

(CRACKLING)

(CONTINUES CHOKING)

(CONTINUES GROWLING)

(GRUNTS)

(RUMBLING)

(EERIE MOAN AND SCREECH)

You okay?

Yeah.

Mm, I wanna kill this guy.

So do I, but we have to take him alive.

He’s our only link to finding those children.

(CREATURES MOANING)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(JANE YELLS)

(CREATURE GROANS)

(CREATURE GROWLING)

(KORG YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GOAT SCREAMS)

KORG: Oh! Thank you, Mr. Goat.

(GOAT SCREAMS)

(VALKYRIE YELLS)

(GROANS)

(CREATURE ROARS)

(CREATURE ROARS)

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(STABS)

THOR: Val!

(VALKYRIE GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(JANE PANTING)

(GROANS)

We gotta get her out of here!

Hey. I got you.

(STRAINING)

(YELLING)

Hey, guys, we’re here. Come on, let’s go.

Storm breaker, take us home.

(GRUNTS)

(GOATS SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

(GORR YELLS)

(THOR GRUNTS)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS)

(GOATS SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(GRUNTS)

(MOANS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

WOMAN: …at a rate that none of us have seen before.

Look, there are other more

aggressive forms of treatment we can try,

but something’s affecting

her body’s ability to fight the cancer.

I’m sorry, Thor.

(SIGHING)

(GRUNTS)

(VENDING MACHINE RATTLING AND THUDDING)

Oh, there you are. Okay.

JANE: What’s goin’ on out there?

Oh, some moron made a fridge without a door.

Can you believe it? (CHUCKLES)

Not to worry. Got it open

and got you all sorts of goodies.

How’s Val?

Oh, she’s in a lot of pain, uh, but she is stable.

Okay, good.

Now you just gotta get this out of my…

Oh, no, no, no. That’s gotta stay in there.

That’s all the magic potions and elixirs

doing their thing, so…

I’m just gonna pop out for a moment,

pick up the kids, kill the bad guy,

and then I’ll come straight back.

(KISSES)

You’re going without me?

Uh, yeah.

What happened to, like, doing everything together?

He’s gonna use those kids to distract you.

You need me.

I do need you, Jane. I need you alive.

It’d be great to have you on the battlefield,

fighting Gorr side by side,

but that hammer is killing you.

Every time you use it,

it’s draining all of your mortal strength,

leaving your body unable to fight the cancer.

What happened to, “Live like there’s no tomorrow”?

Well, that’s before I knew you might not have one.

Why not have one more adventure?

Jane, if there’s a chance to live, you have to take it.

Spoken like a true Thor who does not have cancer.

(SIGHS)

I know I seem like some cool astrophysicist

from New Mexico,

just living the dream, but look at me.

I wanna keep fighting. I’m the Mighty Thor.

And you want me not to do that?

What’s the point of more time of this?

Because I love you.

(SIGHS) I’ve always loved you.

And this is a chance for us.

But if you pick up that damn hammer again,

then that chance is gone.

(SIGHING)

(SOFT SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

It’s your choice, Jane.

But I’d regret it every single day

if I didn’t ask you to stay here

so we could try and figure this out together.

You better come back to me.

I’m coming back as soon as I can.

(WHISPERS) Break a leg.

I’ll break all his legs.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Remember that the Gate to Eternity

is at the literal center

of the universe.

Universe. Yes.

If you go past the cluster of comets…

Yes, yes, I know. We’ve been over this.

I’m not gonna get lost.

So how you feeling with the old stab wound?

I think I lost my kidney.

Gone completely? Ugh.

Mm.

I wish I could join you,

but I’d probably die,

and that won’t help get the kids back,

so you’ll have to go alone.

All you have to do is destroy that sword.

It’s his source of power.

He won’t survive long without it.

Hey. Don’t die.

Yeah, I know.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHILDREN GASPING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)

Eternity.

Finally.

(GRUNTS)

Come on.

(RUMBLING)

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING STOPS)

(CHILDREN WHIMPERING)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

THOR: Hey, kids.

I knew he’d come.

Go!

Go, kids!

(GRUNTS)

Everyone okay? All right, gather round. Gather round.

Good to see you in person, buddy. Good to see you.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

All right, listen up. Here’s the plan.

We’re gonna sneak our way towards Storm breaker,

being very careful not to bump

into any of those big shadow monsters.

(CHILDREN WHIMPER)

They’re behind me, aren’t they?

(GROWLING IN DISTANCE)

Does anyone here have battle experience?

BOY: Battle experience?

Well, no time to learn like the present.

We’re not strong like you. We’re just kids.

Hey, don’t forget you’re Asgardian kids.

I’m not. I’m just a Lycan kid.

And I’m a Midassian kid.

BOY 2: I’m Falligarian.

Okay, okay.

But today, you’re Asgardians.

Now collect your weapons.

CHILDREN: What?

Go and find anything you can pick up.

Bring it back here.

Hurry, hurry!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Okay, cool. Come on!

They’re getting closer. Hurry up!

CHILD: Come on!

(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)

Today is a day that will go down in history.

Today is the day they will talk about

for generations to come.

Today, we are Space Vikings!

Present arms!

(TOY SQUEAKS)

Whosoever holds these weapons, and believes in getting home,

if they be true of heart is therefore worthy,

and shall possess,

for limited time only,

the power of Thor!

General Axl…

(NOVEMBER RAIN BY GUNS N’ ROSES PLAYING)

…lead your army to that axe.

We shall do our worst.

For Asgard.

(ALL YELLING)

(NOVEMBER RAIN’S OUTRO GUITAR SOLO PLAYING)

(THOR GRUNTS)

(CREATURE SNARLS)

(YELLING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(JANE GASPS)

(GASPING)

(SOFT RUMBLING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(GRUNTS)

(SONG ENDS)

(YELLS)

(STRAINING)

(YELLING)

(STRAINING)

(GORR GRUNTS)

(DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)

CHILDREN: Yeah!

No.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

(PENSIVE CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(SIGHS)

Jane.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

We destroy that sword and he’s dead.

The gateway’s almost open. You gotta stop Storm breaker.

It’s okay. I got him.

(CHILDREN GRUNTING)

Storm breaker, stop this!

Get a hold of yourself. Look what you’re doing!

I’m gonna get you out of there.

(GRUNTING) Come on.

Come on, buddy. (YELPS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Let go of my friend.

You’ve lost, Lady Thor.

(GRUNTS)

First off,

the name is Mighty Thor.

And secondly,

if you can’t say Mighty Thor, (GRUNTS)

I’ll accept Doctor Jane Foster.

And thirdly,

eat my hammer!

(YELLING)

Storm breaker!

I knew you could do it.

Axl! Get them home!

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC FADES)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GORR YELLS)

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

(PENSIVE CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(SHUDDERING)

Jane?

I’m okay.

You have to stop him.

(WHOOSHING)

Gorr! Stop!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What kind of father would I be

if I stopped?

I know your pain, but this isn’t the way.

It’s not death or revenge that you seek.

What do I seek?

(JANE BREATHING HEAVILY)

You seek love.

Love?

Why should I seek love?

Because it’s all any of us want.

GORR: How

dare you turn your back on me?

You’ve won, Gorr.

Why would I spend my last moments with you

when I can be with her?

I choose love.

You can, too. You can bring her back.

Make your wish.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANING)

(SOBS AND COUGHS)

I’m dying.

She would have no one.

She would be alone.

(JANE SIGHS)

She won’t be alone.

(SHUDDERS)

(SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(GRUNTS)

(SOFT CHIMING)

(MUSIC BUILDS TO CLIMAX)

(WHOOSHING)

(DISTANT RUMBLE)

(WATER SLOSHES)

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(WEAKLY) Oh.

(CHUCKLES TEARFULLY)

My love.

(CRYING)

(CONTINUES CRYING)

I’ve missed you so much.

I missed you too.

I’m so sorry.

It’s okay.

JANE: Ever since I picked up that hammer,

it’s like

I’ve gotten an extra life.

And it was…

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Magical.

(JANE SIGHS WEAKLY)

Not too bad for a human.

Not too bad for a god.

Hey. I think I figured out my catchphrase.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Come close…

(WHISPERS QUIETLY)

(THOR SNICKERS)

(KISSES) It’s perfect.

It’s the best one yet.

(LAUGHING) Thanks.

(JANE SNIFFLES)

Keep your heart open.

I love you.

I love you, too.

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(GORR SHUDDERING SOFTLY)

Protect her.

Protect my love.

(SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES)

KORG: Let me tell you the legend of the Space Viking,

AKA the Mighty Thor, AKA Dr. Jane Foster.

Her sacrifice saved the universe

and taught us all what it means to be worthy.

She helped the children of the gods

who laser-beamed their way back home

to their dozy little fishing village

turned tourist destination.

(HAPPY CHATTER)

WOMAN: (GASPS) Axl!

I missed you.

Are you okay?

I’m fine. I’m okay.

Are you sure?

I’m okay.

KORG: The kids were safe to be kids again.

VALKYRIE: Louder, three!

(CHILDREN GRUNTING)

Widen your stance.

KORG: Especially after their king made them all go

to self-defense classes.

Look at all those budding Space Vikings.

And the most important part.

The war cry!

(CHILDREN SCREAM)

KORG: Even Heimdall’s son,

Axl Heimdall son,

who could now do his dad’s freaky eye magic,

was becoming quite the warrior.

The future of Asgard was secure.

(KORG AND FRIEND SINGING)

KORG: Speaking of futures, I was forging one of my own,

now that my body’s grown back,

with a dude I met called Dwayne.

And what about Thor, you ask?

He embarked on a new journey

because he had found something to live for,

something to love for.

A little someone who turned him

from Sad God into Dad God.

Breakfast is served. Bon appétit. (CHUCKLES)

Hello. There you go.

Hey. Breakfast.

Excuse me. What is that?

They’re pan-flaps. From Earth.

I don’t think I like pan-flaps.

You love them.

No, I don’t.

Yes, you do.

I’ve never had that in my life.

Come on. Eat up. We have to go. We’re gonna be late.

Now where are your boots?

(IN SINGSONG) I’m wearing them.

You’re not wearing those.

Yes, I am.

No, you’re not.

Yes, I am.

No. You’re not.

(IN NORMAL TONE) Go to hell, demon!

Wow!

Brand new, now destroyed. Thank you very much.

You know what? You wear what you want.

Don’t come complaining to me

when your feet get sore, all right?

You’ll get no sympathy here from me.

Fine, I’ll wear the boots.

Thank you.

Remember what my mother used to tell me.

Listen to the grown-ups,

and if you see anyone scared or being picked on,

you look after them, okay?

Okay.

And most of all, have fun.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

Now where is Mjolnir? Where did I put him?

Over there. Sleeping in the bed.

In the bed.

Oh, wow.

That is not coming off.

What did you do?

Eh, she looked boring before.

Yeah. Suppose it did.

I love it. (CHUCKLES)

Very creative.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Okay.

Now, you see the aliens down there?

The stripy ones?

They look nice.

Yeah, they are nice.

That’s why we have to look after them.

Got it. Protect the nice ones.

I love you, sweetie.

Love you, Uncle Thor.

(SWEET CHILD O’ MINE BY GUNS N’ ROSES PLAYING)

KORG: They will always be there for us.

The Space Viking and his girl, born from Eternity.

With the powers of a god.

Two warriors

fighting the good fight

for those who can’t fight good.

(YELLING)

They have traveled far, and have been given many names.

But to those who know them best, they are simply known as Love and Thunder.

(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)

(SONG FADES)

ZEUS: It used to be that being a god, it meant something.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

People would whisper your name before sharing their deepest hopes and dreams.

They begged you for mercy without ever knowing if you were actually listening.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, you know, they look to the sky, they don’t ask us for lightning.

They don’t ask us for rain.

They just want to see one of their so-called superheroes.

When did we become the joke?

No.

No more.

They will fear us again when Thor Odinson falls from the sky.

(MUSIC BUILDING UP)

Do you understand me, Hercules?

Do you understand me, my son?

Yes, Father.

(RAINBOW IN THE DARK BY DIO PLAYING)

(SONG FADES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC INTRO PLAYING)

(HEROIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFT CHIMING)

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPING)

Huh?

(SHUDDERS)

What?

Oh. Hey.

Jane Foster.

Heimdall.

I see you’re dead now.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

Thank you for looking after my son.

You are very welcome here, to the land of the gods.

Welcome to Valhalla.

(MUSIC ENDS IN FLOURISH)