| Chapter 33 | |
| War | |
| ÒWhen youÕre tempted to fight fire with fire, remember: | |
| The pros use water.Ó Ð Kristin Hall | |
| Of all the problems besetting mankind, war is likely the worst, perhaps simply because we Òdo it to ourselvesÓ. | |
| We dive deeper into the fallacy of Òwars between nationsÓ through a series of fictitious interviews that emphasize the diversity and individuality of motivations. WeÕre caricaturing here, so please forgive us our oversimplifications. We trying to show that, while Ònobody wants warÓ, seemingly reasonable motivations can add up to global, historic tragedy. | |
| The citizen | |
| Mr. Citizen lives at 123 Main St, Anytown, USA. | |
| Interviewer: Do you consider Ahmed Ahmed your mortal enemy? | |
| Citizen: Who? | |
| Interviewer: Ahmed Ahmed, a citizen of Fooistan. | |
| Citizen: Never heard of him | |
| Interviewer: Then why did you pay to have him killed? | |
| Citizen: Did not. | |
| Interviewer: I have here your last yearÕs tax return. You willingly forked over $16,678. (oddly, exactly the average income tax plus payroll tax 2013 for a single worker) [Lundeen 2014]. One third of that [Claremont 2016] went to veterans and the military who blew up Ahmed AhmedÕs house on February 12th. | |
| Citizen: It wasnÕt willing. If I didnÕt pay my taxes, the government would throw me in jail. Then, without a job, the government would confiscate my house for back taxes, take the proceeds and blow up Ahmed Ahmed anyway. I had no choice. | |
| Interviewer: Well why didnÕt you vote for a peace candidate then? | |
| Citizen: I voted for the most peaceful candidate running, who escalated the forever war. The other guy would have been even worse. | |
| Interviewer: Well why didnÕt you support a MORE peaceful candidate in the primaries? | |
| Citizen: I did, but he lost because he didnÕt have the big campaign donations allowed by CitizenÕs United. Only the big companies can give that much money. They get the money from profits of selling weapons, and use part of those profits to fund politicians to ensure we have war, i.e. a market for weapons. | |
| Interviewer: Well in the end you contributed to Ahmed AhmedÕs death. | |
| Citizen: Did I have a choice? | |
| The President | |
| Interviewer: Why did you cause the war? | |
| President: I didnÕt. My predecessor did. | |
| Interviewer: We asked your predecessor and he said the 9/11 terrorists started it. So we asked the relatives of those terrorists and they said they had no choice since America was destroying their culture. Plus America gave weapons to the other tribe to beat them up. We kept following this chain all the way to before recorded history and determined that nobody claims to cause war. But it is still an entirely human process. | |
| President: I had to bomb Ahmed Ahmed. The other party was using the politics of fear to whip up the voters, who would have voted for the other guy, whoÕs even more of a war monger than I am. | |
| Interviewer: Well, that was maybe true for your first election and re-election, but now youÕve got no more elections to appease fearful voters of. | |
| President: Yeah but IÕve still got the Joint Chiefs breathing down my neck. I had to stop them from nuking Iran last month. Murdering Ahmed Ahmed was a small price to pay. We had to do something after the 9/11 attacks, by God. | |
| Interviewer: You had to do something. Well, what was it that you had to do? | |
| President: Well, we couldnÕt just let it go. | |
| Interviewer: You didnÕt answer my question. You said, Òwe had to do somethingÓ. What, exactly, did you feel like you were forced to do? | |
| President: Actually, we werenÕt forced into any particular action. But we felt like we had to take some sort of military action against the perpetrators of these attacks. | |
| Interviewer: I call that doism (pronounced Òdo ismÓ). ItÕs when you feel like you have to do something, but you donÕt have any clear idea of what to do. So you pick some action, without really understanding what it is supposed to accomplish or whether it stands a chance of working. That usually ends badly. What were you trying to accomplish? | |
| President: If we just let the 9/11 attacks go by without any military response, weÕd be vulnerable to future attacks. | |
| Interviewer: So we didnÕt Òlet the attacks go byÓ, as you say. And we had a war. Are we vulnerable to future attacks now? | |
| President: We havenÕt had major terrorist attacks since 9/11. Unless you count the Boston Marathon, San Bernardino, the Orlando gay club, and a few others. And of course we can never be certain some attack isnÕt out there being planned. We certainly still have vulnerability to future attacks. | |
| Interviewer: So, in terms of vulnerability, I guess it didnÕt work. | |
| President: But we destroyed the guys who attacked us on 9/11. | |
| Interviewer: The 19 guys who did it died in the attack, sure. Their deaths were by their own design. Hundreds of thousands of Iraqi and Afghan people were killed in the resulting war, almost all of whom were in no way involved in that attack and would not have planned other attacks. Maybe you did get a few who might have attacked, but do you have any real reason to believe that war made us safer, or that it was worth the loss of human life of that magnitude? | |
| President: I suppose I canÕt convince you of that. As commander in chief, starting a war meant that nobody could accuse me of not taking action. They usually donÕt ask me the question you just did. | |
| The Secretary of State | |
| Interviewer: Tell us about your career. | |
| Sec: Well I wanted to be President and my family had tons of money so I went to Ivy U. Then I knew that presidents needed to have a military record so I volunteered for the army. But of course, having a record of real combat is even better on a presidential resume so I requested to go to Vietnam. But I became disillusioned with that war and when I got back to America, I protested it. | |
| Interviewer: Many observers saw the war in Fooistan as just another Vietnam, so why, as Congressman, did you vote to fund Fooistan and the Iraq wars? | |
| Sec: Good question. | |
| Interviewer: And, as Secretary of State, you backed the Òforever warÓ policy. IsnÕt that contradictory to your protest of the Vietnam War? | |
| Sec: No comment. | |
| Interviewer: Why did the US blow up Ahmed AhmedÕs house? | |
| Sec: We had to do something after the 9/11 attacks, by God. | |
| Interviewer: So you had to do something, but you didnÕt know exactly what or what it was supposed to accomplish. I call thatÉ oh, never mind. What was it you felt forced to do? | |
| Sec: We had to teach those guys a lesson. | |
| Interviewer: So what was the lesson you were trying to teach? | |
| Sec: That if you mess with the United States, you die. | |
| Interviewer: But the attackers wanted to mess with the US, and they also wanted to die in the attempt. So that doesnÕt seem like it would be helpful in preventing future attacks like 9/11. What lesson did you think they could learn from the Iraq and Afghan wars? | |
| Suppose somebody thought you were doing something wrong, even though you thought you didnÕt do anything wrong. Then they attacked you. Would that cause you to change the behavior your attackers didnÕt like? | |
| Sec: Of course not! If I wasnÕt doing anything wrong and got attacked, IÕd fight back to defend my honor! | |
| Interviewer: I see. Why do you think the 9/11 attackers did it? | |
| Sec: Because they hated our lifestyle, our religion, our freedom and prosperity. | |
| Interviewer: So they attacked us. They thought they were teaching us a lesson. Did we learn that lesson? Did we change our lifestyle, our religion, our prosperity? | |
| Sec: Of course not! It just strengthened our resolve to defend our values and attack back! | |
| Interviewer: So, when we attacked back, do you think our adversaries learned the lesson that they shouldnÕt attack us? Or might it have strengthened their resolve and led them to plan future attacks? | |
| Sec: ThatÕs up to them. But we had to do something. | |
| The General | |
| Interviewer: Why do you support the war? | |
| General: We have to protect American interests. | |
| Interviewer: Such as? | |
| General: Well last week our boys were driving down a road in Fooistan when an IED blew two guys into the hospital. | |
| Interviewer: Why were they driving down the road? | |
| General: We were going to blow up the house of terrorist Ahmed Ahmed. | |
| Interviewer: Because? | |
| General: He is a suspected IED maker thatÕs hurt our troops all over the region. | |
| Interviewer: But if our troops werenÕt in the region, they wouldnÕt get hurt by any IEDs and you wouldnÕt have to protect them. | |
| General: WhatÕs your point? | |
| Interviewer: Sending troops to protect troops is a self-fulfilling prophecy. | |
| General: But weÕre preventing the next 9/11. | |
| Interviewer: Many people think youÕre ensuring it by making more people mad at the US. Occupying troops are bound to cause resentment, and they do. | |
| General: This interview is over. | |
| The Congressman | |
| Interviewer: Why did you add more money onto the military budget than even the Pentagon requested? | |
| Congressman: Because Military Industrial Corp. is in my district. They paid for my campaign, which is how I got here. | |
| Interviewer: But thatÕs corruption. | |
| Congressman: ThatÕs America. Look, if you want to get anything done around here, youÕve got to play ball. | |
| Interviewer: Well what have you got done? | |
| Congressman: I got 123 jobs in my district making bombs to blow up people. | |
| Interviewer: But then those bombs actually blew up people. Thousands, in fact. | |
| Congressman: WhatÕs your point? | |
| Interviewer: If you have to do bad stuff in order to get elected, then itÕs better that you not get elected. | |
| Congressman: Well if I didnÕt get elected, the country would have drugs, gay marriage and abortions and gone to hell in a handbasket. | |
| Interviewer: But the country your 123 workers helped bomb, did, in fact, go to hell in a handbasket. | |
| Congressman: Look, I was elected to protect the interests of my district. If that happens to conßict with the interests of Fooistan, well, theyÕre not in my district. | |
| The Recruit | |
| Interview: Why did you join the Army? | |
| Recruit: I couldnÕt get any other job. | |
| Interviewer: But how about going to college and train in some needed skill? | |
| Recruit: Like what? My best friend went through all 4 years, graduated, and heÕs still unemployed. I racked up 2 years worth of student debt and didnÕt want to end up like him. | |
| Interviewer: So you thought getting paid to kill people was your way out? | |
| Recruit: Beats McDonalds, but even they havenÕt been hiring in my city. | |
| The Terrorist | |
| Mr. Ahmed Ahmed, formerly of 123 Akbar Lane, Warizbad, Fooistan. | |
| Interviewer: Are you Ahmed Ahmed of Warizbad? | |
| Terrorist: WhoÕs asking? | |
| Interviewer: IÕm Cory Correspondent from the New York Places. | |
| Terrorist: Ah, you must know my cousin Ahmed Ahmed-Ahmed. He lives in Brooklyn. | |
| Interviewer: Well BrooklynÕs a big placeÉ | |
| Terrorist: So what brings you to heaven? | |
| Interviewer: Our readers are incredibly curious about what motivates terrorists. | |
| Terrorist: So why are you asking me? | |
| Interviewer: Well you did make IEDs, did you not? | |
| Terrorist: And Colt makes M16s. Do you call them terrorists? | |
| Interviewer: Well Colt supplies the military with weapons to defend the USAÕs national interests. | |
| Terrorist: And I supplied the PeopleÕs Free Army with weapons to defend FooistanÕs national interest. | |
| Interviewer: So your contention is that youÕre not a terrorist? | |
| Terrorist: Less so than your Military Industrial Complex. After all, the PeopleÕs Free Army didnÕt invade Brooklyn and start blowing up houses. | |
| Interviewer: The World Trade Center got blown up a few years ago. | |
| Terrorist: By guys I donÕt know and didnÕt agree with. My cousin almost got hurt delivering falafels near Wall Street that morning. | |
| Interviewer: Then why did you make IEDÕs? | |
| Terrorist: IÕm a baker, just like my cousin. But what would you do if tanks from some foreign country started rolling down your street? | |
| Interviewer: IÕd try to scoop the Post on the story. But I see your point. By the way, is it true about the 17 virgins? | |
| Terrorist: Heck no! I only got 14 and one of them was my aunt Fatima. | |
| The terroristÕs brother, Demha Ahmed | |
| Interviewer: I see a bunch of bomb parts on your table. Are you following in your brotherÕs footsteps? | |
| Demha: SomebodyÕs got to avenge his death. | |
| Interviewer: Actually no, and the world would be a lot better if we stopped this avenger behavior. Note to Hollywood: thanks for not helping. | |
| Demha: You want me to do nothing when your government stomped on Fooistan and my family? | |
| Interviewer: Well, doism is a prevalent cognitive bias. And I admit the US president was guilty of it after 9/11, blowing up people that didnÕt cause the problem. How about if you take over your brotherÕs baking business instead? | |
| Demha: How about you Americans go back to Ferguson and blow up your own people? | |
| Interviewer: Ouch! We already tried that, and judging by the unrest in Baltimore and elsewhere, it didnÕt work out too well. | |
| Demha: And itÕs not working out too well here in Fooistan either. The Americans are still here, and every village still lives in fear that itÕll get attacked. By the Americans, by ISIS, Syrian forces, or someone else. It doesnÕt matter who. | |
| To tell you the truth, I wasnÕt so excited about joining Al Queda in the first place. IÕm not even that religious. I was happy in my old job baking pita bread. | |
| But IÕm the eldest son of WarizbadÕs most prominent family. Now, nobody can accuse me of not taking action to defend WarizbadÕs honor. They usually donÕt ask me the question you just did. | |
| Interviewer: Turns out, one of the people your bombs blew up was Pfc. Ahmed Ahmed-Ahmed, a falafel vendor from Brooklyn who happened to be your cousin. He joined the Army after the 2008 financial crisis, when a Wall Street bank foreclosed the mortgage on his falafel restaurant in Bay Ridge, and he couldnÕt get a job. The Army was really happy to have him, because he was one of the few who spoke Fooish. | |
| His platoon mates vowed that they would avenge his death. After all, they have to do something. | |
| The Vet | |
| Interviewer: WhatÕs the worst thing about war? | |
| Vet: ThereÕs so many bad things itÕs a tough call. But for me, itÕs coming back and realizing I killed somebodyÕs husband, somebodyÕs son. | |
| He wasnÕt some faceless terrorist. He was Ahmed Ahmed, a baker for a small shop who became radicalized by the American presence. I wasnÕt part of any solution. I was part of the problem. I hate myself for that. | |
| Interviewer: Would you say you have PTSD? | |
| Vet: You name it, IÕve got it. Shrapnel in my leg, guilt in my heart, broken dreams in my head. | |
| Interviewer: Do you have any advice for recruits? | |
| Vet: Do yourself, your country, and the world a favor. DonÕt join the military. I know itÕs tough being poor. I know shooting machine guns can feel like a video game. Getting out of your ghetto and going half way around the world is exotic. But all that is small potatoes compared to its cost. I will never recover from war and neither will my buddies and the guys on the other side. If you want to help your country and travel, volunteer for the Peace Corps. |