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Did you hear about the autistic guy that sat on his food at Fuddrucker's? Turns out he just had Aspergers.

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Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week

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How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb? Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.

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ATTN FILMMAKERS: Is it possible the future won't be colored a bleak greenish gray with constant rain, or are you really sure of this?

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I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.

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Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. It was a small ceremony Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one

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Poor onions I cried when my Dad sliced Onions. I missed Onions. He was a good dog.

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Why does all of Jared Fogle's music sound the same? Because he loves to abuse A Minor.

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How do you make a space party? You planet.

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Serial killer or nerd If a guy has a knife collection he's a serial killer if he has a sword collection he's just a nerd.

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"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

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How do you keep a moron in suspense for 24 hours? I'll post the answer tomorrow.

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Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes? In the L Ron cupboard.

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A wise chinese guy once said to me "if the dog barks, it's undercooked" - Some wise chinese guy

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How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

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Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest.

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1.34511676e-03]

Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you?

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What did one atom say to the other? Thank you for your help in this matter!

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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say "you're okay, you're okay," they are definitely NOT okay.

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What do you call a prostitude asking for a ride? A Hictchooker

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Scientist have found out that birthdays are healthy. Scientists have discovered that people with more birthdays tend to live longer.

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Why is it called Big Bang? Baby universe was born.

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[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone

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Blind man walks into a bar... ...bartender asks if he likes his beer light or dark.

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I'm so glad I married a big strong program like WinRAR He can open all of my .jars!

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What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger.

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Sex Is Like A Restaurant Sometimes You Get Good Service, Sometimes Bad Service, Sometimes No Service, And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy With Self-Service

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So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win

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What does a dog from Minnesota say? Woof da.

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Breaking up with Asians is so hard. You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

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How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!

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Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.

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A republican posts in /r/politics...

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Why did the antelope go to her sisters house? She wanted to see her nephewlope

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[looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

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As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"

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angel: they seem to be doing well God: give them more diseases angel: is that really necess- God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

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I don't know why people call Donald Trump inexperienced He used to remove black families from their homes all the time.

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I'm hoping someone puts razor blades in my daughter's Halloween candy this year because those things are ridiculously expensive.

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Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.

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What do you call 1000 Jews on a train? Whatever you like - They're not coming back.

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A lady came up to me in the middle of the street asking for help So I gave her my AIDS

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"What you just said reminds me of something completely different I want to talk about." - Everyone

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Why did hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill. It was over nein thousand.

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I don't care what the FBI says, America's most wanted still sounds like an honor.

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A little Muslim girl tells her husband: "I want to be a feminist when I grow up." Husband says: "You can do one or the other, you can't do both."

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Ear sex is dangerous... ...it fucks with your head

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Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes it's already caught my eye.

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Handjobs and blowjobs Handjobs from girls that speak sign language count as blowjobs.

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How did the Neanderthal dad teach his son how to wear underwear? Color coded: "Yellow in front, brown in the back"

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What do you call too many chickens on a farm? A cluster cluck.

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what do you call a chav in a box? innit.

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How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

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I believe that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.

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Why do cannibals never go hungry? Because they can make themselves dinner.

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I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

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What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grraaaiinns

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In Texas we pronounce it "nu-que-lur" I'm often harassed about how I pronounce nuclear but I think fair is fair. If Yankees can have silent letters I don't see how come we can't have invisible ones!

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Google+ is not a "ghost town", because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

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Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

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What do you call a gay caveman with a Viagra prescription? Homo erectus.

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There are two kinds of people in this world... People who can extrapolate on incomplete information....

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I'm not a big fan of loud music I guess its just not my forte

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After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I'm currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.

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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

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There's 3 types of people in this world People who can count and people who can't count

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How many..... How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side

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It's Palm Sunday and we didn't drink the wine out of a coconut? I don't know why this church even has a suggestion box.

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My Favorite Politician Quote (not sure if this belongs here but what the hell) "Madam, I may be drunk but you're ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober." - Winston Churchill

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I spent an hour staring at the OJ container yesterday. It said "concentrate."

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What do you call a gay herbal doctor? A homeosexual.

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I buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.

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Why can't the main character of Fallout 4 get a girlfriend? Because they're too young for him

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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing

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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

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How many dead hookers do you need to replace a lightbulb? Atleast not three since my basement is still dark.

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Life is like a box of chocolates. My wife won't let me have any.

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Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves? The lavatory, of course!

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"I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?" ... *knocks on stall wall* "Hello? Can u hear me?" ... "I like your shoes...Hello?" ..

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A farmer wins $30 million in a lottery A reporter asks him if he's going to retire and he says "No, I'm just going to keep farming until it's all gone."

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What do some burger eaters have? A Hardee appetite!

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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

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I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

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Went to take out money from the ATM and hit Espanol by accident.It replied, 'Nice try, you don't get paid until all the onions are chopped'.

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HR: What are some of your strengths? Me: Shifting the blame HR: That's a horrible reply Me: No, your question was! HR: Wow, you're good!

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What does a 500 pound parakeet say? "TWEET!!!" * [Source1](http://i.imgur.com/9HEfWT1.jpg) * [Source2](http://i.imgur.com/JR1VTA0.jpg)

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Hedgehogs ... Why can't they learn to just share the hedge.

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Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently... The steaks have never been higher.

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7.70831332e-02]

My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologising.

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Panties LUST : Tearing her panties off. Love : Sliding them down gently Marriage : Folding them regularly

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What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start.

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So Billy is watching a sexy car video where two cars are making out while loving it and eachother. His Mom says, "Are you WILLY to learn how to drive?"

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What is a caterpillar scared of? A dogapillar

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You can never really be alone... Except if you don't have a smart phone.

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Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Arnold Palmer: Mmm... its good... I just invented it.

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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

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I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".

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