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short_jokes

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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away.

My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish I'm feeling cannelloni right now...

What does an amoeba call its friend? Cell mate.

I hate having sex with my partner while we're camping... It's two fucking in tents.

Man comes running in the door at home all excited. "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery" she asks "should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" I don't care. Just get the fuck out.

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8 Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

What do you call it when a stripper works for free? Pro boner

to my beautiful son i leave a wealth of valuable golden coins, sprinkled throughout super mario 3d world, redeemable for extra in-game lives

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Why did the terrorist's post make it to the front page of reddit? Because it blew up.

"Smoking breaks" at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don't see me leave a meeting to fry plantain

I was so happy to hear Apple added a new camera feature.. With the addition of panorama I can finally send dick pics to my ex wife!!

North Korea claims that they detonated an H Bomb Kim Jong-un? More like Kim Jong-**BOOM**

What happens when you are banned on a muslim server? you are turbanned

What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends? Hearing AIDS.

Feeling sick at work. Subway to the bus-$5 Bus to commuter lot-$2 Puking in my car-$0 Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless

I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.... ... So that they can let me down one last time.

Long, satanic walks on the beach.

in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.

How did the explorer react when the which doctor turned him into a miniature ballsack? He was a little testie! Bump dump pshhh!

What is Harry Potters favorite way to get down a hill? Walking (punchline in comments)

What is God's favorite guitar chord? Gsus

You know what I love about people who buy followers? I can laugh at their expense.

*Gets 500 word angry text from ex *responds, you mad bro?

When you think about it , zombies are fixed humans . You just turn them off and on .

I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day

Amish girl Do you know why the amish girl was excommunicated? Two mennonite

What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!

My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail" It was a picture of me

Don't trust people that are constipated They're full of shit

Last night I met the girl of my dreams... Then I woke up.

You deserve a handjob from Edward Scissorhands.

Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you're late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody's looking you stick it in the disabled one....

What do you call a train that eats too much? A chew-chew train

What game do monsters play with humans? Squash.

Why do blondes prefer the pill instead the condom? Because it's waaay easier to swallow

How do you get last place in the Rio jokes olympics. You tell a Rio bad joke.

I hate barbers more than doctors Because I have to live with the shit that one does.

Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I'm googling how to get paid without leaving my house

A fat man complained to a doctor that obesity runs in the family The doctor replied: It's not obesity that runs in the family, it's that no one runs in your family.

What is Trump's favorite disney movie? Wall-E

Every time a famous music composer dies... ... he starts decomposing.

"Girl, your rhinestone encrusted flip phone tricked me into thinking you were a princess!" - No one ever

Why was the cupcake so scared of the bong? Because the bong threatened to get him baked.

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life.... so long as I die by noon, thursday.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Homophobia is God's way of teaching us the names of Republican governors.

Why did the Tour de France get raided? The police heard it was full of pedal-philes.

Man marries deaf girl He writes "we must work out a code: If I want sex I'll stroke ur left breast-U reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES OR 62 times for NO!

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating.

Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly. If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985.

A sign in the Zoo: Please, do no throw bananas in the dolphins' pool! 1. The dolphins do not eat bananas. 2. By now 3 monkeys have drowned. Thanks for understanding.

Why are toilet tasks called ONE and TWO? Because TWO rhymes with POO

What's a Latino pornstar's favorite flavor profile? Umami. (Ooooooooh, mami.)

I feel like I second guess myself too much. But then again I'm not really sure.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

What is the sun's favourite kind of food? Sol food

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand? You can't gargle sand.

There should be an option on travel websites that let's you search for "flights that are least likely to have noisy children".

My New Year's Resolution 1080p

I don't need a panic room; I can panic perfectly fine anywhere.

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It's for the Christmas period.

When that guy on the train woke up and stretched, I don't think he liked it when I scratched his head and said "Who's a big kitty?!"

Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb crap

What do you call Nitrogen after the sunrises? Daytrogen.

What did the Iraqi refugee say when he crossed the border? Iran!

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

What, me? Lazy? Don't get me started.

New York: The city that never sleeps. Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday. Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Which art piece won the Texas Muhammad cartoon contest? Two chalk outlines.

Jesus Saves.... Moses invests.

Not all women are good at multi-tasking I just saw one trying to talk on her phone, while flying through her car windscreen.

I'll never understand why news reporters think they have to stand out in the rain or snow just to tell us it's raining or snowing.

I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Notice at Church: Don't leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

What do gay horses eat? Heeeeeyyyyyyy

What is the best way to get called a ,"genius?" ...by losing a billion dollars in business.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister's chin

How to tell if you are gay 1. Have sex with another man 2. If you enjoyed it, you're gay 3. If you didn't, you're still gay

I just saw the Kardashian sisters and now I feel more Christmassy. Ho Ho Ho.

[first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

Who's this Rorschach guy... And why does he paint so many penises?

I heard they were going to fine bad drivers $100 on the spot. That's bit sexist, isn't it?

Who's the opposite of Willem Dafoe? Willem DaFriend.

The toothbrush was probably invented in Arkensas Anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Donald Trump says he went to the University of Pennsylvania, but I could have sworn he went to Syracuse. Because he sure is an Orange Man.

I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo.

If I had a dollar for every time an idea got shot down in the meeting because "We don't have the budget", I would finally have the money to execute that idea.

Why did the electric car finish the race early? It had a short circuit.

I would be so ashamed if I had a kid who didn't want to be famous.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Why did the lady stare at the orange juice? Because she thought it was telling her to concentrate!

Q: What do you call a snail on a ship? A: A snailor.

*adds lol to the end of a message to sound less mean*

What is a chemists favourite type of music? Heavy Metals.