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231,201 | Did you hear about the autistic guy that sat on his food at Fuddrucker's? Turns out he just had Aspergers. |
231,202 | Tried changing my password to "14days" but it was two week |
231,203 | How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb? Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her. |
231,204 | ATTN FILMMAKERS: Is it possible the future won't be colored a bleak greenish gray with constant rain, or are you really sure of this? |
231,205 | I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap. |
231,206 | Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start. |
231,207 | Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again Her: Sorry I didn't invite you. It was a small ceremony Me: Its ok. I'll go to your next one |
231,208 | Poor onions I cried when my Dad sliced Onions. I missed Onions. He was a good dog. |
231,209 | Why does all of Jared Fogle's music sound the same? Because he loves to abuse A Minor. |
231,210 | How do you make a space party? You planet. |
231,211 | Serial killer or nerd If a guy has a knife collection he's a serial killer if he has a sword collection he's just a nerd. |
231,212 | "Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog |
231,213 | How do you keep a moron in suspense for 24 hours? I'll post the answer tomorrow. |
231,214 | Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes? In the L Ron cupboard. |
231,215 | A wise chinese guy once said to me "if the dog barks, it's undercooked" - Some wise chinese guy |
231,216 | How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? |
231,217 | Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest. |
231,218 | Coworker: Pass your random drug test? Me: With flying colors! CW: Really? Me. So many colors! CW: You're high right now aren't you? |
231,219 | What did one atom say to the other? Thank you for your help in this matter! |
231,220 | If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say "you're okay, you're okay," they are definitely NOT okay. |
231,221 | What do you call a prostitude asking for a ride? A Hictchooker |
231,222 | Scientist have found out that birthdays are healthy. Scientists have discovered that people with more birthdays tend to live longer. |
231,223 | Why is it called Big Bang? Baby universe was born. |
231,224 | [first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone |
231,225 | Blind man walks into a bar... ...bartender asks if he likes his beer light or dark. |
231,226 | I'm so glad I married a big strong program like WinRAR He can open all of my .jars! |
231,227 | What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger. |
231,228 | Sex Is Like A Restaurant Sometimes You Get Good Service, Sometimes Bad Service, Sometimes No Service, And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy With Self-Service |
231,229 | So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win |
231,230 | What does a dog from Minnesota say? Woof da. |
231,231 | Breaking up with Asians is so hard. You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message. |
231,232 | How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner! |
231,233 | Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend. |
231,234 | A republican posts in /r/politics... |
231,235 | Why did the antelope go to her sisters house? She wanted to see her nephewlope |
231,236 | [looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me |
231,237 | As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone" |
231,238 | angel: they seem to be doing well God: give them more diseases angel: is that really necess- God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla |
231,239 | I don't know why people call Donald Trump inexperienced He used to remove black families from their homes all the time. |
231,240 | I'm hoping someone puts razor blades in my daughter's Halloween candy this year because those things are ridiculously expensive. |
231,241 | Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? To get to the Dark Side. |
231,242 | What do you call 1000 Jews on a train? Whatever you like - They're not coming back. |
231,243 | A lady came up to me in the middle of the street asking for help So I gave her my AIDS |
231,244 | "What you just said reminds me of something completely different I want to talk about." - Everyone |
231,245 | Why did hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill. It was over nein thousand. |
231,246 | I don't care what the FBI says, America's most wanted still sounds like an honor. |
231,247 | A little Muslim girl tells her husband: "I want to be a feminist when I grow up." Husband says: "You can do one or the other, you can't do both." |
231,248 | Ear sex is dangerous... ...it fucks with your head |
231,249 | Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes it's already caught my eye. |
231,250 | Handjobs and blowjobs Handjobs from girls that speak sign language count as blowjobs. |
231,251 | How did the Neanderthal dad teach his son how to wear underwear? Color coded: "Yellow in front, brown in the back" |
231,252 | What do you call too many chickens on a farm? A cluster cluck. |
231,253 | what do you call a chav in a box? innit. |
231,254 | How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring. |
231,255 | I believe that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs. |
231,256 | Why do cannibals never go hungry? Because they can make themselves dinner. |
231,257 | I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am. |
231,258 | What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grraaaiinns |
231,259 | In Texas we pronounce it "nu-que-lur" I'm often harassed about how I pronounce nuclear but I think fair is fair. If Yankees can have silent letters I don't see how come we can't have invisible ones! |
231,260 | Google+ is not a "ghost town", because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun. |
231,261 | Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced. |
231,262 | What do you call a gay caveman with a Viagra prescription? Homo erectus. |
231,263 | There are two kinds of people in this world... People who can extrapolate on incomplete information.... |
231,264 | I'm not a big fan of loud music I guess its just not my forte |
231,265 | After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I'm currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN. |
231,266 | All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme. |
231,267 | There's 3 types of people in this world People who can count and people who can't count |
231,268 | How many..... How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side |
231,269 | It's Palm Sunday and we didn't drink the wine out of a coconut? I don't know why this church even has a suggestion box. |
231,270 | My Favorite Politician Quote (not sure if this belongs here but what the hell) "Madam, I may be drunk but you're ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober." - Winston Churchill |
231,271 | I spent an hour staring at the OJ container yesterday. It said "concentrate." |
231,272 | What do you call a gay herbal doctor? A homeosexual. |
231,273 | I buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free. |
231,274 | Why can't the main character of Fallout 4 get a girlfriend? Because they're too young for him |
231,275 | Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how Tree Trunk' is doing |
231,276 | My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots. |
231,277 | How many dead hookers do you need to replace a lightbulb? Atleast not three since my basement is still dark. |
231,278 | Life is like a box of chocolates. My wife won't let me have any. |
231,279 | Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves? The lavatory, of course! |
231,280 | "I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?" ... *knocks on stall wall* "Hello? Can u hear me?" ... "I like your shoes...Hello?" .. |
231,281 | A farmer wins $30 million in a lottery A reporter asks him if he's going to retire and he says "No, I'm just going to keep farming until it's all gone." |
231,282 | What do some burger eaters have? A Hardee appetite! |
231,283 | A chihuahua is just a barking cat. |
231,284 | I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place. |
231,285 | Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today |
231,286 | Went to take out money from the ATM and hit Espanol by accident.It replied, 'Nice try, you don't get paid until all the onions are chopped'. |
231,287 | HR: What are some of your strengths? Me: Shifting the blame HR: That's a horrible reply Me: No, your question was! HR: Wow, you're good! |
231,288 | What does a 500 pound parakeet say? "TWEET!!!" * [Source1](http://i.imgur.com/9HEfWT1.jpg) * [Source2](http://i.imgur.com/JR1VTA0.jpg) |
231,289 | Hedgehogs ... Why can't they learn to just share the hedge. |
231,290 | Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently... The steaks have never been higher. |
231,291 | My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologising. |
231,292 | Panties LUST : Tearing her panties off. Love : Sliding them down gently Marriage : Folding them regularly |
231,293 | What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start. |
231,294 | So Billy is watching a sexy car video where two cars are making out while loving it and eachother. His Mom says, "Are you WILLY to learn how to drive?" |
231,295 | What is a caterpillar scared of? A dogapillar |
231,296 | You can never really be alone... Except if you don't have a smart phone. |
231,297 | Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Arnold Palmer: Mmm... its good... I just invented it. |
231,298 | Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses? |
231,299 | Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it. |
231,300 | I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass". |