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⌀ | Dialogue
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GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment) | You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get on that boat. | Laura | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment) | Me too! | Jerry | Laura |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Comedy club.) | I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it!...It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks: (imitates horn). | Jerry | null |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of | Jerry | null |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both | Jerry | null |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to audience | Jerry | null |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | for response) | Jerry | null |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | Cheque | Audience | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | book from an imaginary holster) ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (Opening comedy) | these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?'' | Jerry | Audience |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | What's that one? | Jerry | null |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there... | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I gotta have a Lo mein!" | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*. | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this. | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Oh, lovely... | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Yeah... | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | What do you think their parents think? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?" | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..." | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | birthday. | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Pamela? Do I know her? | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Yeah, you met her when we were going out. | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Oh yeah, right... | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | (quickly) No. | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Blonde hair remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you *totally* blocked | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | out the entire time we were a couple? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Riverside Drive. | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Right! In fact... No, never mind... | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Well, what is it? | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no. | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here. | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | What little deal? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | have on Saturday. | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Y'know, my parents are coming in for this... | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | They're coming in? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Yeah, tomorrow. | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across. | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Why does he do that? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Doesn't think anyone can tell? | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | So c'mon, do we have a deal? | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | A *wedding*? | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | There's a lot of people to mock... | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Alright, what the Hell. | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Great! | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin' | Woman | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | anywhere... | Woman | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | C'mon lets go, c'mon... | Elaine | Woman |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Was I supposed to bring something? | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | You could have. | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | I met her *one* time... | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | It is not necessary. | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | What did you say then? | Jerry | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Sssshhhhhh!!! | Elaine | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Hi | Pamela | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry. | Elaine | Pamela |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Yes, we met. | Pamela | Elaine |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Hi, happy birthday. | Jerry | Pamela |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry. | Pamela | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Hi | Guests | Pamela |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | I didn't bring anything. | Jerry | Guests |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Ahh, I put you two right here. | Pamela | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what | Jerry | Pamela |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | to bring, nobody told me. | Jerry | Pamela |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop? | Vanessa | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | I'm in for five... | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | I'll supply the hat. | Vanessa | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | (To himself) Uh-oh... What do we have here... | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Why don't you relax and take your jacket off? | Vanessa | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly. | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | How masculine... | Vanessa | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos. | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | (To himself) She's unbelievable! | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | (To Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker... | Roger | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Oh, you know Bricker! From where? | Vanessa | Roger |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | (To himself) What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | anyway with Elaine next to me... | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | (To Jerry) How do you know Pamela? | Vanessa | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Friend of a friend. And you? | Jerry | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | We went to law school together. | Vanessa | Jerry |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | Oh, Jerry! | Elaine | Vanessa |
THE STAKEOUT | (End stand-up) | (To himself) Oh no, not *now*... | Jerry | Elaine |