thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
2:43It's dark. Silent.His body shivers slightly under the thin covers, but not due to the cool temperature that envelops him.His head moves slowly to the left and he sighs heavily.Jay, do you know who you're with?His lips twitch a little, indecisive between a grimace or a smile. His eyes, under the eyelids, move rapidly while the scene replays.Jay, do you know who you're with?With the most important person of my life.His body stretches, his long legs almost reaching the end of the bed. His free hand clutches the sheet as if his life depends on it, his lips part to allow the release of a weighted breath. Jay, do you know who you're with?With the most important person of my life.His head turns to the right, he sighs again. In his chest his heart is racing, pounding so strongly against his ribs its almost painful.Jasper, what youre doing?Shhhh... Just... Let me kiss you... I really want to... Kiss you... Please.Jay, do you know who you're with?With the most important person of my life.Lips meet slowly, hesitantly, behind his closed eyelids. They move languidly together under the heavy haze that keeps him, once again, in that past moment. Shhhh... Just... Let me kiss you... I really want to... Kiss you... Please.With the most important person of my life.In the present, his right hand frees the thin fabric and hovers over his parted lips. They are tingling with the phantom sensation, just as they tingled several days after that kiss. Then they finally decide to stretch in a subtle smile of faint happiness.He turns his whole body to the right side, sighs and slips deeper into unconsciousness.3:52Im sorry. This is not happening.He exhales heavily, his knees coming to his chest as the dread takes him all over again.But you do like me, don't you?This time his lips are in no doubt, they twist into a grimace. His eyes move rapidly again, as his heart, while that moment unfolds once more.Im sorry. This is not happening...Why not?He turns his body upwards, his broad back tensing even before the contact with the mattress. His free hand comes over his bare chest to cover his heart in a failed attempt to protect it against the shattering that came later that fateful day.But you do like me, don't you?I do like you, Rose...His fingers clutch his skin. Why is he letting it happen again?He is not! Behind his closed eyelids he swiftly turns his face while both his hands fastly free her wrists to hold her shoulders, trying hard to be delicate despite his wanting to shove her body away from his as fast as possible. Im sorry. This is not happening... Not today, and not ever.Why not?His eyelids flutter. Hes walking on the thin line between slumber and conscience. His heart is asking for a break, it wants him to end the torture, but his mind knows he needs this.But you do like me, don't you?I do like you, Rose...Im sorry. This is not happening... Not today, and not ever.Why not?Because of Jasper.He lets out a trembled
breath and turns again, lying prone in the middle of the bed and sinking deeper into the haze once more.4:17I need you... escapes from his mouth in a mumble, the sentence he wishes so desperately he'd had the courage to say in that message.Behind his closed eyelids he sees the face of an angry angel, fuming while looking at him with deep ocean green eyes.A trembled sigh makes his chest rise and fall widely. He turns his body until it's supine on the mattress. Hey, it's me.He takes a deep breath, much as the one that he does so behind his eyelids. His free hand imitates the gesture he sees under the haze, and runs through his messy blond locks.Please, come back. Or, at least, pick up the phone. Let's talk like the two adults we are, this is just a misunderstanding. Pick up the phone, Jasper... he whispers in an echo of what he repeatedly said to his cellphone in that occasion.Just give me a chance to explain. Please. Don't shut me out. Nothing happened, I swear. I'm not interested in your sister. I wouldn't have ever been 'cause... I don't wanna talk to your voicemail... There's something I need to tell you. And it's important so... Call me when you get this.I need you... He repeats in a sad murmur, just repeating the words he is saying to his cell phone, after hanging up the call, behind his eyelids. Words he thinks constantly, repetitively, exhaustively.He tosses and turns until he feels slightly comfortable again... Curled up in a fetal position.4:51Hes lying there... In her bed. It could have been any bed... But he chose hers.Hes lying there... In her bed.He fucked her...Hes really shaking now. Its a replay of his reaction to the scene he is seeing again, with hurtful clarity, behind his closed eyes. He can see himself in Emmets car, waiting for him to come, while his inner voice repeats the terrible truth he just witnessed.Hes lying there... In her bed.He fucked her...He doesnt like her... He doesnt want her... But he doesnt want you, either...He likes girls...Hes straight...He likes girls...He fucked her...The slumber is very light now... Its almost lifting... It wont last long, he can sense the consciousness taking the lead. And he actually wants to wake up... He needs to. His mind understands that he needs to process everything, he needs to go through all of it once more to assimilate. But his heart is in pain... A great pain that is forcing him to emerge from the haze, as soon as possible, to end that torment.What do you want from me, Jasper? What do you really want from me?He holds his breath for a second, dreading what he knows is coming... Hes almost awake now... The haze is fading...What do you want from me, Jasper? What do you really want from me?Your friendship.Eyes wide open. He breathes heavily to compensate the brief moments he forbade his body to receive oxygen. He sits on his bed and waits a little until the disorientation lessens.He is
in his room. Its dark. Its silent. Hes alone.His memories haunt him... He wants to forget but he just cant. He leans on the headboard and closes his eyes, deliberately allowing the flood of remembrances to drown him... ..................................................Edward......................................................At some point I fall asleep again. I feel so tired of everything...My reality is not an easy one. I have made a decision and I cant back down. But its so hard...I dont want to do this, and yet, I will. I have to. Its the best way...As I relax again, the flood of memories invade my dreams once more. Its been like this since our fight, or, to be more precise and truthful, since I started deciding to put a stop to my suffering. I know theyre just dreams, I know its not real, its only my perfect memory working, but I feel as if Im experiencing it all, all over again.One week and two days...Nine long and painful days.We were on the road to Olympia, my dad and I, coming back from the airport, from our too-long-trip to Providence. And I was restless.It was harder now, to stay away from him... After the kiss. That kiss... It changed everything to me... Everything that I felt for him somehow became a little more intense, more difficult to hide and contain. I was feeling kind of suffocated since that night, as if all my feelings were bubbling up, preparing to explode out of me...I knew the kiss didnt mean anything. It didnt change the fact that Jasper wasnt interested in me... Not in the way I was in him. He didnt even remember it happening. I, on the other hand, was in love with him. That had been my reality for two years till then... I loved him. And it wasnt going away. So, for me that kiss meant the world, made me feel like there was a chance, even if it was the slightest of chances. I was well aware I couldnt keep my hopes up, but it was bigger than me, and I couldn't help it.. I knew that to him I was only his best friend, the person he trusted first and foremost, and there was nothing beyond complicity between us. But it didnt matter. I was still hopeful. Even knowing I shouldnt be.Youre awfully quiet. my dad mentioned from the drivers seat. Anxious to see him?He could read me pretty well. Of course being my confidant helped him, he knew what I was going through, he'd known all about it since the very beginning.I looked at him.Cant help it. I said in a sigh. It seems harder now.My father smiled without looking at me, nodded and sighed.You just need to be patient. Hell figure it out soon enough. His voice was calm as always.I dont know, dad... I replied in a puff. You know I dont think he feels the same way for me. Besides, even if he did, I dont think he would accept it very well.Why youre saying that? Hes not prejudiced, Ive never noticed any attitude
from him that indicated that.No, hes not... Thats not the problem.So, what is the problem?Besides the fact that hes straight and isnt interested in me? I kind of grumbled. My dad looked at me briefly and rolled his eyes. I told you what he told me that night... I got a little embarrassed. It was just a little weird to remember kissing Jay while speaking with my father, even though he knew all about that night. He told you he was afraid of his father. my dad remembered. Do you think this fear will prevent him from assuming his true feelings for you?What true feelings, dad? I told you a million times...Edward, he wouldnt have kissed you if there hadnt been something way more stronger than friendship between you two.He didnt know what he was doing. I replied a little harsh. He was so fucking drunk he almost passed out.Language... His tone was stern.Sorry. Mine was ashamed. What I mean is... He doesnt even remember. And he didnt seem aware of what he was doing and who he was doing it with.You told me he answered we kissed when you asked him why he wanted to know if you were gay. He refuted my argument pointedly.He also mumbled about Bella being the only one, and about the brightness of the floor, and how his eyes were hurting and how he felt like he was spinning. I huffed. He wasnt making any sense. As I said, he was totally out of it. He was so drunk he had a blackout. He never remembered any of it. My father sighed and smiled simply, unaffected by my argumentation. Have you ever heard about how alcohol diminish our inhibitions? That people open up and show their true colors when they are totally drunk? He looked at me and winked.I shook my head in disagreement and looked outside the window, trying hard not to let my fathers words sink in and strengthen my hopes.I dont know about you. But I have the impression things will soon change... He spoke with mischief, ignoring that I was ignoring him.I simply sighed and kept looking away, concentrating on the road that seemed to never end. I still had to wait another hour to see Jay...Flashes of another memory transitioned my dream into another one... I was now in the middle of a nightmare, all my emotions boiling, blazing throughout my body, for seeing him that angry.I didn't really understand his reaction. Jasper wasn't a jealous brother, he'd never been one, so, even having in mind that he did tell me he didn't want me with Rosalie, I couldn't grasp why he was reacting so strongly about a kiss that didn't even happen between me and her.He was yelling at me, so furious for what he thought that had happened that he couldn't even stop and listen to me. I was taken aback to say the least, but I didnt have even a split second to mull over his possible reasons. Because he wouldnt let me say anything. I was trying
to speak but he wouldn't let me. And I was increasingly desperate, because I was recognizing the path he was trailing...Id been there before... Id heard that tone he was using, irate and offensive, and Id testified that restless behaviour of his in another moment, a moment that I dreaded even to remember. He was seething... His hands in fists, his shoulders squared, his jaw set in a hard angle... His eyes were burning.He was a time-bomb. And I was running out of time. I had to make him understand. Otherwise he would do the same thing hed done before, and this time I wasnt sure he would go back on his decision. Hed been so different, so edgy and touchy... The way hed been acting lately made me fear he was on the verge of his breaking point. And one thing I definitely didnt want was for him to break down. Jasper wasnt a very strong person, and once he broke he would drag me down with him. Not intentionally, but he would. Because if he was hurt he would want to hurt... And since I had hurt him, he would turn to me and he would do the only thing that would break me... He would break us apart.I stumbled through my words, I fought to explain but he wasnt listening. I knew I had to say something... No, not something. I had to tell him the truth. That was the only way he would believe me, that was the only way he would understand I didnt want his sister or anybody else, for that matter. So I tried... I tried to tell him. I was willing to open my heart and confess everything, but he was so far gone in his choler that I couldn't go through, I couldn't make him listen.My heart was in my mouth. My throat was constricted and I felt cold all over. I was fastly panicking, I felt dizzy. I was about to break. As he looked at me with that icy gaze, it dawned on me how this whole situation would end up... And so he said that dreadful sentence...Just... Be away from me from now on. I could feel myself trembling deeply. My body swayed as I lost my balance suddenly.My reaction was immediate. I didnt even think, I just acted. My hand grasped his arm firmly and I turned him to me not very subtly.I made the question, it actually slipped through my mouth without my conscious consent, but I didnt really need to do that. I knew. I simply knew. He didnt really need to say it for me to know what he meant. As I feared, he was breaking us apart. Again. He was leaving me again.Im saying that were done. he answered with his voice linear, unaltered. He was plainly decided. I told you... Back then... When we made amends after that whole Alice shit... I was pretty clear when I asked you to be loyal, to tell me everything and not to hide anything from me again...
I told you I wouldnt forgive another time. Not another betrayal... And you did it. You did it again.I didnt. My voice broke ridiculously due to my fear. I was aware I had to do something fast but I didnt know what. My mind was spinning, I felt like I was inside a hurricane.Were through, Edward. His statement felt like a punch. And the hand that was firmly holding his arm before simply lost its strength. And this time... Were through for good.I could feel the blood rushing to my feet. For the briefest of moments I thought I could faint. I could feel a hole being ripped open right in the middle of my chest. I could feel the air leaving my lungs in a gush and making me breathless.I was losing him, all over again, and it seemed that this time was definite. His voice, his stance, they seemed so impenetrable, he seemed so cold and determined, I had the feeling that was it. And I hadnt even had the chance to make him see what he really meant to me...I couldnt lose him... I couldnt let him go.The first time it happened I was still shocked with the recent realization of my feelings for him, I was still confused and indecisive about what was happening to me, what I was supposed to do with all that, how I should behave, so I pretty much numbly accepted his decision for a while, and then, once I understood I couldnt go on, I went after him... By then I would have never dreamed that one faithful day he would drunk kiss me, least of all that I would consider telling him that I had romantic feelings for him. By then I didn't have, yet, the dimension of how deep my love for him was.But now I had. He had drunk kissed me, I had considered telling him that I was madly in love with him. I had full dimension of how deep my love for him was...It was all different this time around. There had been moments, there had been signs... I wasnt sure, but the stupid heart of mine had hope, it was holding on to the snippets of tenderness I had seen in his eyes more than once since his birthday... It was clinging to the long stares and deep meaningful silences wed shared. It was telling me not to give up.So as he turned again and walked in the door direction, I inhaled forcefully to be able to say what was suddenly lodge in my throat. I didnt know if it would make any difference, but I let my despair talk.Youre being unfair and irrational. Youre not letting me explain. I didnt do anything. My voice sounded pleading, and my eyes were stinging, but Jasper couldnt notice any of it. He just shook his head and took a step. I grew even more desperate. Jasper, if you go through this door... I tried to threaten, but it sounded just like another plea, at least in my ears. ...I
wont go after you like last time. It was a void promise. The call I made fifteen minutes later proved it. I would never be able to do that, but I was so hopeless I let out the first thing that came to my mouth. I was so afraid of losing him that my instinct took action, but unfortunately in the worst possible direction.No one should ever defy Jasper Hale... Pride had always been his frailty, his Achilles' heel. One could convince him of doing pretty much anything if knowing the right buttons to push. But if one defied him... Well... Then he would do exactly what he understood that was least expected from him.So his reaction was cold and distant. He was totally detached when he pretty much retorted without even looking at me.Fine. he replied in a lifeless voice.The termination on his tone was so potent that, even in my memory, even from inside my dream (or, better saying, nightmare) it resonates around me, smashing me, oppressing me, taking my breath away, just like it did when it really happened.I wake up again, this time unable to go back to sleep.My heart hurts so much that I dont even try to move. My face is wet, tears are pooling in my eyes... I know I cried while reliving our fight, just like I cried that day for everything that I thought it could have been but never was, for losing something that I actually never had. I never had a chance. I was just fooling myself, even when trying to be rational, logical, even when discouraging the stupid hope that insisted in growing inside me despite my effort to ignore it.It all comes back to me now... the signals I misunderstood. All the moments that I mistakenly thought there was something transpiring between us revolve now in my head...I remember his birthday. The way that I let my facade slip so many times and simply looked at him for far longer than I should have... I remember being so caught up in my musing, wondering how it would feel to run my fingers through his hair, that I simply ignored my best judgment and confessed I liked it better the way it was, longer... I was so lost in my desire for him, so dazzled by the beauty of the so many dimpled smiles that he offered me along that day, that I let my mask fall when he turned to me and then I tried, consciously, to convey through my eyes how I wanted so much more than his friendship. I remember how, at that exact moment, the ocean green of his eyes became deeper, darker, as he stared at me with defiance and something else I couldn't recognize written all over his angelic face... I remember how nervous I got and how I wanted for the whole world to disappear right then, so I could grab him and kiss him.Kissing him...The morning after the kiss replays in my head. I was disturbed. I was confused. I was hesitant.
I was happy as hell. I was fucking scared. Feeling his eyes on me, even before I opened mine, spurted the unabashed hope that had arisen the previous night, but I restrained myself, with some difficulty, I may add, before any revealing word or attitude on my part would come out. But of course I failed when he started making questions about what had happened. I knew he could read in my traitorous face, that I could feel blushing, and in the way I was avoiding his piercing eyes, that I was omitting something. I answered his questions while praying profusely to all the gods of the universe so that he would not even come close to a question that would compel me to reveal what had happened between us. I was relieved once I was sure he had his usual alcoholic blackout. A relief that wavered for a moment, when he tried to joke about our close relationship (barely knowing that being his boyfriend was all I really wanted), but then it was fastly settled in my mind that he was unaware of our brief nightly exchange, even though deep down inside I had wanted for him to remember everything, just so I would be sure of why hed kissed me.I sighed... That was really a very defining moment. But there were others...There was this moment, when I arrived from Providence, after he said hed missed me (surprising the shit out of me) and I returned the sentiment, that we were locked in each others eyes...I missed you. He whispered out of the blue. I really dont know what I showed through my facial expression, but I felt abruptly perplex.He said he missed me? I thought to myself.He ducked his head as soon as the words were out in the open, the deep blush on his cheeks telling me how embarrassed he was and making me certain that he hadnt intended to say that out loud. I was astounded. Before that night wed had our moments, of course, we were friends since forever, therefore it was normal to demonstrate some caring once in awhile but, nothing had ever been so outright, so sincere, so... Clear.I missed you too, Jay. I heard myself finally saying the sentence that was choked in my throat since I travelled to Providence. The sentence that I desperately wanted to have said when I called him on the prior Friday. I said it with all that I had, hoping he could identify the feeling through my statement.He turned his head to me, seeming surprised but very careful, almost wary. I tried to convey my feelings through my gaze, hoping he would see how much he meant to me, how much I wanted him to be with me, how much in love with him I was...Surprisingly, I wasnt afraid... I didnt know why, but I wasnt scared of him finding out about my feelings, not the way I usually was. His eyes were wide open, crystal clear to me. I wasnt sure about what he was trying to