thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
She's so wierd that one...She started feeling like a loser, after weeks feeling like the most awesome star on the sky. She started killing herself on the inside again, after flying around like a pretty bright blue butterfly.She came around her aunt s house, and waited until the old lady was sleeping. She heard the snoring, so she knew. She came to the kitchen slowly with a pack almost empty of cigarrettes on her hand, and tried her best to open the back door without noise. Failed, but the aunt did not wake up (she went back inside to verify if the snores kept going).She took a light iogurt from the refrigerator, one she had brought from her mother's house, and a spoon to eat it while she would smoke. That's what she was allowed to eat from the diet the nutrition-doctor had given her, but she felt stupid by eating that after having a lot of forbidden stuff during the rest of the day.She went outside, feeling like shit. Lighted up a cigarrette and stood there, feeling the cold air going through her hair. Smoked, and ate a spoon of iogurt. For a while she ended up forgetting about the fucked up feeling she had, and started traveling around on the stars, on how bad it was to smoke 1 or 2 cigarrettes a day (according to her researches it was pretty bad, even knowing that the nicotin was out of her body after 2 hours after finished smoking, but she could be addicted to that)... started checking on the walls around (she would make plans to paint those walls to her aunt... they were looking too old). But than she remembered again.The cigarrette was past half now, and she felt week. Felt like sitting down. And after she sat, right there where she was, leaning against the wall, she kept on smoking. And realized once more that she was being so fucking stupid.She was letting her feelings go deep once more, and she knew how bad it would lead her. She knew the path, she had walked through it before, and she was not only scared but right now (knowing her physical limitations) she knew it was too silly to let it go this road again.She was fat once more. Fat as she could not even remember when. Looking ugly.She went to buy dresses to be pretty to her dude, next weekend they were supposed to see themselves. But now she did not even knew if that would be better to do it, since she would only put herself into more trouble. She liked him, though... a lot.The dresses she tried showed her how fat she was. Showed her limitations to her and to everyone else. It showed who she was, and who she should not be if she wanted to bring that special guy into her life. She now felt week and shitty, why not, right?She took another spoon of iogurt. It wasn't even her favorite. She was letting the cigarrette burn in the wind, than she realized that
maybe she didn't need to smoke, she was just needing some fresh air. She smoked once more, and turned off the cigarrette. She realized she could make people feel better, act better, be better persons, but maybe she could not do that to herself. She was feeling bad, really bad.Unfortunately, life was going to be too long for her..."The night we met I knew I needed you so... and if I had the chance I'd never let you go..." The Ronettes - Be My Baby
Is it fair that once again i had to leave my self determination behind ? That drops my self confidence even in other areas, makes me feel week before myself!I said i was going to wait for the dude to come and ask me out. I started hittibng clearly on him wednesday, after dating him one weekend and fucking him on the next, and full of regrets already but that was the least i could do to forgive myself for trying my piece of the "meet you half way".I dont want to be the one that goes there and picks the guy by the hand anymore! Does anu guy goes until this sort of half way nowadays? Seems like not.So i bothered myself on that very disturbing paranoic drugged way only i know how (and i assure u it's unbearable after a while!!!!) and came up with the questions i thought i could avoid.Things like "since u didnt ask me out" and "plans for next weekend?" Are examples of sentences that officially came out of my mouth (not mouth, fingers, whatsup communication or facebook).Really. Oh, really! Juliana, what the FUCK!Didnt your friend teach u anything?U dont know how to be single...But i admit i dont. And i dont wanna change that. I wanst born for this generation, no way. I cant date one person each week, sounds impossible and inconvenient. I cant just kiss for kiss, my objective when i go out is to have fun not to grab people. Score is to dance all night long, and if i have to open exception for this jt better be for a very specific and worth reason.No i cant keep dating the person for 6, 8 months randomly, just because he doesnt want commitment and wants to keep kissing people on the bars without headache.I want a boyfriend. I want someone that fits my patterns.Or i just rather stay alone! Im done fitting the world just because im different. Let me be.It's like my nutrition life style. People feel sorry for me when i eat salad and fish and i deny the desserts. Why??? Im very happy with my food, it's my taste, my choice!!!! Sometimes i eat, but must be for a good special reason - like my random scapes for sex. If i had a boyfriend i would have my sexual life setup again. Never wanted to cheat for i was fully satisfied sexually.Now..... Since i dont have , when i find someone that could mean anything like a possibility if a boyfriend even if in a remote future (according to my unnusual filters of selection), i try to grab him.But usually someone else (more interesting then me, not hard at all) is also on my step.I keep losing.I keep trying to fight.But im done fighting. I want peace!!!!I'll just rest my horse under some tree here and give him some water, some food, see how much long he can take on this road. After this, i'll see how long i will be able to take on the long walk.And see
what will be after the red desert.I will make my tattoo one of these days.It's true."Losing all hope is freedom."----- now to celebrate the iron maiden moment, my favorite:Laying awake at night i wipe the sweat from my browsBut it's not the fear'Cause i'd rather go now....Trying to visualize the horrors that the way lay aheadThe desert sand moundThe burial groundWhen it comes to the time are we partners in crime?When it comes to the time we'll be ready to die?So god let us go down and finish what's to be doneThy kingdom comeThy will be done on the earthTrying to justify to ourselves our reasons to goShould we leave or let liveForget or forgiveBut how did we let them go on this wayThe reign of terror corruption must endAnd we know, deep down, there's no other wayNo trust. No reason. No more to say.
Here I go again on my own...Exactly, I'm back (again). I guess I am stressed. I stayed 2 days in the hospital for a pain that meant nothing, but it ached like my brains were coming out. Than I realized that maybe I was just stressed.My relationship was only a fraud (at least for me) for a few weeks now. I really loved spending time with him (most of the time), but we couldn't agree on our decisions. He was too childish, and I was too old.I am such a cold bitch that I was trying to keep this relationship for a few more weeks because I was doing this treatment for fatness on his city and I wanted to have a place to stay, and to enjoy him a little bit more. But I couldn't. Whatever was on my mind whenever I felt alone was finally winning.And this is it! We are done now. I have suffered this week for my broken relationship more than what I could expect to be able to suffer for anyone ever again. But I do like him, specially because he is so... pure I guess (and stupid also, but maybe someday I'll make a point about that).Well, now I am trying to figure out what to do. I am lonely, but that's how I wanted to be. I have no money, but now I'll stop having excuses for that (yes! my relationship costed me a lot of money...), I am fat but that's only up to what I chose to eat now. I have time for myself, I have my own desires and fears, without putting a relationship between whatever I want or not to do.How is it gonna work? We'll see. All that I got so far was a giant darkness under my eyes for not sleeping and crying a lot. So pretty, right...I don't want to go to a psychologist because I don't wanna pay for it. I would love to solve this by myself... so I decided to spend a loooot of money into a very good neurologist just to stop thinking bad stuff about my fucking headache. This is a wierd headache, but I think it's just stress. I have been having a lot of stress symtoms. Not the sadness and this feeling lost stuff, not that because they could be related to the end of my relationship, but for a few weeks now I sometimes wake in the middle of the night sweating like a pig! There was this first day it happened and I already thought it was too wierd because it's very rare for me to feel hot at all. But than it was a hot night... ok cool, but now the nights are cold and I sleep with only one cover and still I wake up sweating. Not just a little wet, no! Really drawning on sweat! The Tshirt I was wearing was wet as if I had just washed it. And it happened again, and again. The last time I woke up with all my hair
wet (like the other times) but the sweat was running so badly through my face that I had to take some clothes I had spread in my room to dry myself up. It was very bad!Now that I broke up, I didn't feel it again yet. But I baddly slept also, so I didn't reach the low level of my brain into that deep sleep. But for now I don't care about the sweat, for I drink a lot of water and I'll not dehidrate very soon. What worries me is this very pointy and burning feeling I have on this different spots on top of my head. I think is the stress rasing my bloodpressure or something (even though I never had more than a 12x9 pressure in any of my exams during my whole life).Well, damn damn damn... I have to think positive to attract positive stuff, right? So be it.But for now I'll just try to enjoy what I can. I have to make a solid plan for my expenses, and I have stop have the introspective feeling I had today when I came back from work (I couldn't leave my bed; I was sitting there unconfortably and not even the fact I was starving could raise me from that bed.... very very bad feeling, like losing all my strenghts).I'll try to enjoy my family with more quality, and I'll try to say here on this blog what I would tell a psychologist (If I had the guts to tell him that. And IF I have the guts to say it here).At least no one knows me (hopefully). I have to see if I have any known names on the other posts and edit them.damn!SO BE IT.Kisses to the moon! Today is Reiki's night!"This is a time in my life where everything is falling apart, and at the same time it's all coming together. Those summer days that I longed for never really were what I wanted them to be. Just like when beautiful people drive ugly cars." (pieces of the song A Year In The Past Forever In The Future, from Grade. I used to listen to that when I was... I don't know, 16 years old? And I haven't heard since than, but somehow I can remember not only the rhythm but also the guitar and drums and the tune of the singer's voice...)
Thurday: got promotion.Today: found out im a hi-po.Cant belive this life. The day before yesterday i was just a fatty pig. Now im a fatty almost-well succeeded pig. Near to what i always wanted. Not even could figure to feel it for real.Cried in happiness. Cried in ecstasy.Im good. Really good.Really? Fear.Awesome.Ok. We all must have a focus. Let it be the professional life.Congratulations.With love, me. I must start with the nice feelings, I assured myself I would do that.Today is Saturday night and I am in my third resting day, since we had a holiday on Thursday. The same Thursday night I went to this old friend aniversary, she was celebrating it in a bar on a city next to my parent's, so I went and there I met her and two other friends from the College also (the four of us studied together).We realized how nice it was to have all of us together after 10 years we first met (I got into College ten years ago, who would say?). And when they started talking I realized that I was the only one that didn't see them for a while. They all saw each other frequently, but they didn't invite me to go out anymore because I always refused.Now that I have no more boyfriend, I will put my friends by my side again. It's not fair to me to feel so lonely when they are there for me, and they are, they showed it to me today since they came here to my parent's city just to see Brazil x Argentina football game with me, and talk, and make gossips, and listen to bullshit, and all. They are very good friends I do not intent to be far from ever again.And than having all this conversations over our 10-years-celebrations, well, my best friend Lucy-In-The-Sky sent me a confirmation that she is going abroad for an Au Pair programm. I was SO happy for her, maybe that's what she needs, to grow up, to give some time away from her despair of what to do next, and specially from her own head charging against herself. She has personal issues with her self-charges. This will be good for her, and she'll realize a dream at the same time (no, not take care of children, but to go abroad =P).And than this childhood friend added me on Facebook, came to talk to me on the chat and we talked about everything, and he is so happy, doing the right things, living in the USA, now starting University for Graphical Animations (3D and stuff like that), and, oh my!, I got so happy and proud of him, and I was thrilled that he was talking to me, I missed him, his little brother as well, and it's just great to see that he liked me the way I liked him, and he remembered me the way I remembered him, like friends! Like a friend I can count on, and I hope to be the same to him. He already matched my expectations. He
did what I couldn't do. He looked for me.And I was just checking around other people's Facebook when I saw my ex-fiancee's Facebook. And I saw he is now MARRIED! Well... that's when we start the odd feelings.My ex-fiancee... married. We are not apart for even two years now and he is already married. No, I don't wish him bad, on the opposite! It's not that kind of feeling that is disturbing me.The odd and frightening and squizing feeling is the one that I AM OLD. I always thought of myself as an Old person (older than those of my own age, older inside my head, older inside my thoughts). But now, seeing that he is married and I don't even have a boyfriend, suddenly made me feel so... lost. Lonely (in the boyfriend way). Hopeless. Made me feel like I lost whatever I had the chance to get.But than I was writting all the good things that happened to me today (above) and the worst part of the weird feeling was gone. I cannot write right now of what is it exactly that I feel.I guess I am going to smoke a few cigarrettes outside, and maybe I'll come back later to finish this.Maybe not.It's June, 9th, 23h09. If I don't return, this will be the end of this post, so I am going to put this song letter here (in portuguese) to finish my feelings for now."Enquanto voce se esforca pra ser um sujeito normal, e fazer tudo igual... eu do meu lado aprendendo a ser louco, um maluco total, na loucura real... Controlando a minha maluquez misturada com minha lucidez eeeee" -> Raul Seixas (Maluco Beleza)
Weird feeling this one...I feel so empty and so sad all the time I'malone. I take my stuff at home to come over here, I'm sad (have to look atthose things I brought today from his house, it's still on top of my bedbecause I didn't have the guts to put them away). I think of taking my book andmy computer, I'm sad (we would watch Cavaleiros do Zodiaco, or perhaps somegood movie - scary or ridiculously fun - and then after we would have sex andhug). Than after one or two of those thoughts, everything starts to feel lameand my chest gets cold and my tongue gets bitter. No movement I do is free ofpain or bother. I say goodnight to my mom, and I'm alone then. I leave myhouse, walk slowly into the street, and each step shows me I am missingsomething. Then I arrive at my aunt's gate and figureout I am locked outside. And my body forgets all the pain in order to startthinking of calling her, or maybe this other key I have here is from the gate -let me try, or not, I'll just call her, and she comes, and opens, and I amtalking to her, no weird feeling at all! I say goodnight, go to my room, andeverything gets quiet again. It's time for the bad feelings to come back; andso they come! I look inside, the twin bed requires only one pillow now. And Idon't have to care about the dust on the covers, I have no allergy at all. Isee the computer table I brought here today also, it's there, still empty, andI put on top of it all the belongings I thought it would be useful to bring tomy aunt's house: my backpack (which contains my computer amongst other things),my book (it would be a great companion if I could focus myself, but maybe nottonight), and a little plastic bag with my Diamondback 3g Razer mouse (a giftfrom him for our first valentine's day). I just hid the mouse inside the table'sdrawer, don't want to keep looking at it. Wanna forget it, other things alreadyhurt enough for now.You should be thinking: hold on!, wasn'tyou the one who broke up?I say: yes, and I hate it. I hate this partright here, since I still love him. I hate doing this, but I had to. I couldn'tbe happy for his happiness anymore, and I couldn't keep wondering if he wouldgrow up in time (what is IN TIME?). I was thinking too much about other boys.In my head, it was already over. But I was being a bitch and keeping him withme, I hate being alone.But I hate being alone when the feeling isthis emptiness. It's ok for me to do anything alone: go to the mall, goshopping, go to the movies, go have dinner or even watch some show. I don'tcare at all, IF I have this person taking care of my inside. I would LOVE to behere alone, to spend a weekend alonewith my parents, to lay here at this bed alone and
spend this night alone, IF Istill had him. But he couldn't listen. Then, when he finally realized he was thatchild I always told him about, that his decisions and his moves were actuallyso damn immature, well, it was too late.We broke up Tuesday night. He sent me ane-mail Thursday night, saying he got it. Saying he talked to his friends, mom,and whatever, and that now he could see where all this stress anddisappointment was coming from. When he cried when we argued and made me mad,when he made me feel bad for wanting to go out with my new work colleagues,when he couldn't see that his decisions were not ok. I know I am impatient likean old lady, but I was never cold. I never forgot about him. I wanted to staythere, on his arms, being loved and cared, laughing or simply just stayingquiet. But now it's too late, because after a huge suffering it doesn't matterhow much we wanted to get back together, the feeling would not be the same. Italways leaves a scar. And maybe I just don't want a scar.And I just saw this fan here in the floor,and he comes again into my mind (he could not sleep without a good fan windingover him). The book I'm reading has his handwriting saying some very nice wordson the cover (yes, he started doing that because I liked). The room is tooquiet. I feel the hole inside my chest. It is cold.I know I had to do this, otherwise I wouldnot be in peace with myself. I needed to stay single for a while, I always hadboyfriends and never knew who I am for sure when I am by myself (single). But Istill can see his face, smiling (he had this beautiful smile) and today Ihugged him and I still wanted to hug him, and do this little caress I used to(with my closed hand touching him like a cat's claw - tchh tchh tchh we said).And he was fine, he didn't cry, but I did. I know I'll never be loved like thatagain. And I know that because that was an impossible love already.What comforts me is that I thought I wouldnever cry for anyone again. When we broke up I was so angry and so mad that Ididn't even cry for sadness (I cried because it was a hard decision to take,and he was crying also). But now I cry for sadness, I guess it took a while tohit me. What he said on the e-mail, that he got what I said and learned fromit, it made me feel better, because he learned and he doesn't think I am thiscold bitch. I know he thought I cheated on him, because he tried to ask me thata few times. But I never did, not physically, no never. And I couldn't not evenif I would. The bad angel is strong in my head, but the good angel is strong inmy body.It was just too nice to hang out with him.My mom said she liked him, he had a great mood.
My dad also liked him, and heliked my dad (asked me to send a special hug for dad, and to tell him he is themost brilliant person he had ever met). He sent this great great tight hug formy cousin (yeah, I know they loved themselves at the first sight). And man... Ifeel I took him from my family. I hate this, and I hate myself when I think ofthis, and I hate myself for doing this.Never thought I would cry for breaking up,but I am crying like a baby. I feel so sad and so tired of any sort of actionthat something my chest goes down, empty from air, and I have to tell my brainto get a breath again, after a few long seconds without breathing. I am glad I have no wireless internet here,I was able to force myself to write this. It feels very different the writingfrom the thinking. I think I am able to put my thoughts into a line instead ofjust throwing the feelings into the air at the same time.I could write about the death of this mouseI saw today, his life leaving his eyes with a single bite from Pietra. And Icould write about the talk I had with my mom today over the death of ourneighbor that she tried to save, but couldn't. Or I could talk the whole nightlong about this fucked up feeling I have constantly disturbing and freezing andchoking me. But I guess I'm done with this bad feelings chat, at least for thenight.I could write about the songs I listen to,since I have this weird selective taste for songs but how I am open to whateversinger that shows up. I could write about my friends loving my picture with afake dark hair that the photo effect gave me. I could write about how my job ismaking me happy and how good I think I have been doing lately. But I just can'tbuild any deep thoughts over happy and comfortable feelings, at least for thenight.I don't know what I am expecting to happento make me feel better. I don't even know if I am expecting anything to happen.I don't know what I have to do to make me feel better, but I know I have to trysomething. Because it can't just be like this.I feel less stressed, maybe the crying isnot stressing. Maybe the hating was the problem. Now that I have nothing else(except me) to hate, I'm able to control this hate level.I want to send him messages all the time,like "I'm at my aunt's house. It's so empty here. Everything reminds me ofyou. I just wanted to hug you right now.". Or even "Is this as hardfor you as it is for me, or how did you get better? Please help!". But Ihaven't sent. I am old enough (inside of my mind, at least) to know that Ibetter control myself than sending them. We both need to let it go, and if hedid it better and faster than me, well, good for him!I don't wanna keep thinking on