thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
and everything that was held so well inside that tiny piece of material flopping and sagging all over and about. Paula: Call me Muse! I am a Muse! Hahahahha... and off she went laughing about her own joke.Me: Ha. Ha. Ha. I tried joining in her laughter but not much left my throat. Five minutes into a conversation with the Muse and the only thought that came to my head was that she must have been poor and won the lottery a week ago. Seriously (though I know it isn't so and it was really nothing more than a thought). The reason for this thought? Well, that is easy. The woman only knew how to talk about herself and her possessions. She told me about her house in Manaus (where she lives with her husband) and how it had a disco inside of it, sauna, ginormous pool, garden and even a helicopter parked right in it for whenever she needed to come and go at a moments notice. From there she went on to her photographer - which she mentioned loud and clear is the very same one as Ivete Sangalo's - and all the magnificent parties she hosts for her guests in many special occasions."Well at least she is the one doing the entertaining...I mean, I sure wouldn't want to have to entertain her! My bus ride stories wouldn't make enough of an impact I guess. "Muse: Sooo...as I was saying... The Muse broke my train of thought and once again there I was hearing her incessant blabber. Just that this time it got to be more than just blabber. She brought us all a grand surprise, There in the living room was me, Madame Maria, Madame Maria's spirited daughter Francia, Tulio's girlfriend Glesse, Luiz's perfect naive little girlfriend Monique, the family's old time maid Marisa and the old cook (whose name I don't remember) and of course, The Muse. The men kept to themselves at the balcony, drinking and eating shrimp. Muse: Sooo as I was saying, I was getting ready to come here and was getting dressed up as I wanted to look beautiful and my very best so all of you could envy my great looks while my darling husband was calling out to me "Honey, get ready soon we are going to get late for our flight" and you see he pressured me so much but so much that look... she turned around so that she stood backwards to all of us women, pulled up her white micro dress up until her hips and declared to us: I FORGOT MY PANTIES!!! And there it was, her bare bottom for all to see. A bottom straight in our faces! Monique jumped up in surprise almost falling off her chair, Madame Maria could only cover her mouth in a very lady like attitude of shock, Francia screamed out loud: "AUNTIEEE!!!" and I couldn't help but scream and crack up at the same time at what I had just seen. If that wasn't bad enough she then still had the
delight of adding extra momentum to her porn show by slapping it and saying in a shrilly voice: "Look how nice and firm it is!" By this time all of us women were laughing and screaming out loud in total horror, shock and surprise! In that split second the only thing I knew for sure is that richness cant heal you from mental illness... oh, and that I would be having a nightmare that night for sure!
So here is something different. For once I won't share one of my crazy/hilarious/embarrassing/touching/intimate/funny/insane/wild/boring stories on being a teacher.This once I will share the reality of finally being able to accomplish a dream which became a reality at the beginning of this year. This dream? The opening of my company. It started at the beginning of this year and every day it has grown more and more making my heart burst with joy and gratitude on how wonderful life is and all the gifts we receive through it. Despite it having been something which took a lot of work, investment, time and effort - thanks to the joint partnership with my family - our family business has been helping many people who need English in their lives to be able to achieve it by being part of something that is not only a company - but a whole lot more - a group with a goal: HELP EVERYONE REACH THEIR OWN GOALS!!!Take a look and get to know a little bit more about it :D McHale's Ingles Particular Rascal Returns! Yes, he returns either every Tuesday or Thursday morning. Most always he is 15 minutes late, wearing his Tommy Hilfiger flip flops, sarcastic smile and flabby belly (ok, it has gotten a bit better since he started exercising sing, but still!). Whenever he enters I know I am up to hearing something I'll grimace or frown at and he most certainly is up to something.The other day in the middle of class he all of a sudden stops middway (something I already got used to...it means that he is tired of my drilling him over and over and wants to gossip, yep you heard me right - gossip!) and says:- Hey, I haven't told you my latest yet.- Hum...let me guess? Your latest catch?- But of course. *smug face* Well, so don't you want to hear all about it?- Do I have a choice? Spill it. I am your teacher, it's the least I can do for you...you know, listen to your immoral stories.- You like hearing them!- Hahahah, okay I must admit I do! You serve for some good entertainment...sometimes!- Well, this girl is from my drama course.- Ah yes...I remember you had enrolled into some drama classes. So, what about this girl?- Cristina. She is this shortie 19 year old - you'd think she is a saint but ahhh, you have NO idea! She has a boyfriend so she is just using me for sex - A-DO-RO!!!- Ohh wow! That must either mean that her boyfriend REALLY sucks in bed or she's pretty whorish - and well, even if her boyfriend actually does suck in bed she is still whorish in my conception. Not that that makes you innocent - it just makes two of you. You cheat on your girlfriend and she cheats on her boyfriend as well. You guys should get together, you match you know?- Ah teacher...stop being such a party pooper. You are no fun today.- Okay let me try this then: YAY!!! A girl that
is cheating on her boyfriend with you!!! WOW, isn't that cool? All women should do that - isn't that just the best thing I have heard today!- Be quiet and listen. Either you give me positive feedback or you stay quiet.- Not a peep comming out of my mouth then.- Exactly what I wanted to hear! Now I can tell my story...- Of how you got her laid?- What happened to the "not a peep coming out of my mouth"?- Ah, forget that! So tell me, what trick did you use this time that I don't know about yet?- This trick my mother taught me. My mother was born in a small countryside town quite far from Fortaleza. On Christmas it was tradition to kill a large bird to serve at Christmas Eve. Most families didn't have much money to go all the way to the city to buy a turkey or chester so this bird would do the trick. The problem is that it's flesh is very hard to chew and far from being that nice tender meat most families have at their Christmas feast. So what was the trick to make the meat softer? A few hours before killing the bird my mother would get the bird drunk - very drunk - because the alcohol relaxes the birds muscles and makes the meat tender. The drunker the better and easier it was to eat! And it's the same way with women. You see, even my mother taught me something about women. I grew up with this story in my head and as I've grown older I've applied it in my relationships with women.- Ok! To start off girls that let themselves get drunk or even tipsy when out on a date are completely immature and must have no idea what the hell to do when out with some guy - especially on their first date. Any girl with a head would know better!- And a girl with a head you mean you?- Oh yes! I am definitely not putting myself with those other girls...you know, the ones that get drunk so you can get to do "the naughty" with them.- Hahahaha...but who said they don't want to do "the naughty" as you put it as well?- I'm fine with that...them "doing the naughty" if that's what they want to do - I'm all for sex!!! But they should do it with a clear head and because they actually want and choose to and not because they are drunk senseless out of their minds to what is going on! But then again, maybe not! It's acutally good you get them drunk Rascal, that way forget all that happened just a few hours ago and don't get traumatized with the memory for the rest of their life!!! - Ahh, traumatized? Asking for more I'd say! - Poor lost helpless souls! oh let me add, desperate as well! - Lets go back to class!!! Rascal immediately opens up his book and shoves his face in it. - Good! Lets go back to class!
No more talking going on now.But it seemed like that phrase entered one of his ears and came out another because once again, only thirty minutes later he crosses his arms and starts bitching about one of his steady "snacks" (he calls the girls he has sex with the girls he "snacks on"; I am guessing then that his girlfriend must be the "main meal").- Hey remember that girl I told you about? Camilinha?- Um hum... if I recall correctly she is the one that you have sex with every Wednesday afternoon?- That's her! Well she phoned me the other day to tell me that she was starting to go out steady with some random guy. Rascal frowns. - Well good for her! Why the frown Rascal? - There is no frown. * He frowns even more* I just think she is being totally stupid. She has me, she has sex, I give her enough attention and freedom so she should be happy. - Girls usually aren't like that Rascal. The female human being feels special being "unique" and her having you just for sex must not make her feel all that unique since you do you have a girlfriend over her. She is just "A Outra" (what Brazilians call "the lover"). - But there is nothing wrong being "A Outra" - there are only benefits choosing to be "A Outra". - Oh really? Enlighten me here. Because the only benefit I can see being the lover is that at least the guy isn't lying to your face and you won't feel a complete moron when you discover your loving and faithful boyfriend has been sleeping around with some other woman. But then not all guys cheat on their girlfriends... so if that's the case I still do rather having the girlfriend title. - That's where the problem lies teacher! That's all the girlfriend has: the title!!! - Maybe your girlfriend yes, but I wouldn't generalize now. But you were going to tell me the benefits of being "A Outra" weren't you? - Yes, and I still am! Now listen and learn. - I'm all ears! :D - Okay! Benefits of being "A Outra" (which I will from now on just call "The lover"):The lover has the weekends off to have fun and enjoy it with her friends since he has to stay with "the girlfriend".He won't ever be frugal with the lover. He'll always be well dressed, showered and perfumed when he's with the lover. With the girlfriend he already tends to be more laid off in his appearance.The lover always receives the best gifts.The lover is free to stay and go out with other men. She isn't bound to one guy. Hooking up and meeting other men is an option if she wishes to do so.He will never be "unavailable", "tired" or "not up for sex" with the lover.The lover doesn't have to stand his bad moods, grumpy days, anger strikes or anything of the likes. She can leave whenever she wants and it's not a big deal. They are
back to speaking normally the next day. - So in your opinion it's better to be the lover then? - Obviously! Didn't you just listen to me listing all the great benefits of being the lover? - I did but I still have my personal opinion as well and even after hearing all of your so called "lover benefits" I still refuse to ever be "the lover" - if nothing else I can be all that the lover is just that with a single and available guy - not with someone that is married or in a relationship. I'm a strong believer in "what goes around comes around" and I sure hope that I won't ever have a boyfriend that spends all his money, energy and good looks with "the lover". No thanks! Anyways, back to the class - you've spent more time giving me "man whore behavior" class than I have giving you English class.But as should have been expected, half an hour later when he once again is tired of my drilling him out, he interrupts class and goes back to his immoral talks: - Hey teacher open up my Facebook...I want to show you something. - Opened it. What is it that you want to show me? - Take a look at this chick! - Ummm...she's hot. Whoa! Major big ass!!! - Hahaha...the other day I was talking to her and I called her "my little bee". - Because of her ass??? - Yes! Though of course when she asked me why I'd call her "my little bee" I told her it was because she is so nice and small. - Ah, so now she goes thinking she is cute and petite because of some little nickname you gave her and yet she doesn't even think that it just might have something to do with one of her body parts?! - Nope. Remember, not all girls have a head - like you do... - I wish I could say I am flattered. But no, instead I have to say that all credit goes to my rascal and naughty guy students, their sad immoral stories and their wonderful advice! - Oh, I can give you some more advice! - Don't you worry about it! I've got more than enough advice for one day - no need for more!!!And if all the above weren't enough, Rascal still got to send me a little "chart" he created on the male species. Here it goes: (Sorry it's in Portuguese - I might translate it soon and then I'll add to this post)FeioBonitoMal SucedidoIgnoranteLascadoAspirante a GigoloCultoTendencias MatrimoniaisAspirante a MaritissimoBem SucedidoIgnoranteIma de mulheres futeisSuper ima de mulheres futeisCultoCostuma ser seletivoE o cara!
I love all my students. I honestly do. And ex-students as well...well, that is, with one exception - and this little exception will be my story of today: the only two students (out of more than 100!!!) that I just couldn't STAND!!!Who were these? They were called Larisse and KellyWhat's with them? they would just drive me mad in a maddening way. How? by being so perfect, so boring, so right and justful, always correct - not a single strand of hair out of place, not a single desire to risk it all away, to make a mistake, to laugh like a hiena, or to pronounce a word without the exact intonation Shakespeare himself would intone on one of his plays - they were so afraid...afraid of doing anything other than the norm, afraid of what others might think of them.Their life: no kids, no boyfriend, never been married, don't party, don't make new friends, don't have sex...don't, don't, don't!!! Mom: Hi honey! Me: Hi mom *sighs*Mom: Is everything okay? Me: Well, kind of... do you remember those two students that I asked you to give classes to when I was in Rio and SP last month?Mom: Which ones?Me: Larisse and Kelly.Mom: Yess, do I remember them! Me: Soo, I don't know what to do! This never happened to me - having to have students which I dread having to teach. I love ALL my students - I do!!! And you know, that's the secret of my success: I actually like what I do! I like seeing my students grow, learn how to become fluent, talk to them, etc. etc. Yet these two students are just a bit too much!!! Can you believe that last Monday when I was done giving them class and started putting away my books Larisse looked her watch and then said: "Teacher, we still have three minutes of class to go." I mean, really, who says that?!!! I had to bite my tongue not to answer back: "I arrived five minutes early, now what?!"Mom: Hah! That happened with me too - but it was eight minutes instead of three.Me: See?!!! That's what I am talking about! Nothing I do is good enough for them. I know that all my students are older than me, some pratically half a century older and yet all of them know that I am the teacher and give me full authority in their learning process and a bunch of respect to top it off as well. Larisse and Kelly do just the opposite. If I tell them we are going to do a game they say that it's too embarassing; if I give them a song to learn they complain, when I mention I am going to give them a test or quizz they have to pop in their oppinion of how "such and such"is too hard or too easy or too boring or whatever!!! And then when I ask them for a better suggestion or something that they'd rather do instead they just give me a blank "panckake batter face"Mom: Pankacke
batter face?!!! What's that?Me: Believe me, you don't want to know! Anyways, I am just scared I might blow up and that won't be cool...Mom: Honey, I understand you and know what you are talking about. I also had a bit of a shock the first two classes that I gave them but then I thought to myself: "Everybody has their own problems and these girls must end up blowing all of theirs on the poor, helpless teacher" and when I thought about that I felt like being nicer to them, having an extra dose of patience and love and doing my very best.Me: They need sex that's what!!!Mom: Honey!!!Me: Oh cmon, it's written all over their faces!Mom: Still, you have to do your part. Give it a try - it won't hurt you any. You should pitty them, really! Me: Okayyyyyyyy... I will do my best. But sometimes pity just isn't enough - and that day was one of them...It was Kelly's birthday and I took the pains to make some delicous brownies for her. I bundled them up and off I went to my weekly dreaded class with the only students that somehow were able to make me want to scream.Me: Good evening!Kelly and Larisse: Good evening teacher! They both chorused.Me: Happy Birthday Kelly! *Big hug* Wish you the very best this new year of your life.Kelly: Thank you teacher!Me: By the way, I made some brownies for your birthday.Kelly: Your famous brownies? How sweet of you for remembering!Kelly took the plate of brownies from my hand and put them in the fridge. I sat in silence, opened my books and thought to myself: "She can't even be polite enough to offer a peice...geeezzz!"Larisse: Hey Kelly! You won't even offer us a peice of brownie? I am dying to taste our teacher's famous brownies.Kelly: I wanted them all for myself, but I guess you both can have some. The teacher first. Christy, do you want a small or medium peice?Me: I want a big peice! I answered loud and clear. *Shocked expression on both Larisse and Kelly's faces*After the brownie peices were served Larisse picked up a DVD and handed it to me.Me: "Two And a Half Men"?! Larisse: Oh teacher, we didn't get "Friends" like you told us to because we wanted to watch this one instead. I know you said that it's for more advanced students but me and Kelly think we are advanced enough to understand it.Me (after biting my tongue): Well, "Two and a Half Men" has a lot of pun on words but if you both think you can understand it, then okay! Let's start by first watching it in English with Portuguese subtitles and then re-watching it in English with English subtitles, ok? Kelly: I don't think that is a good idea!Me: Why is that? Kelly: Because we want to watch it completely in English without any Portuguese subtitles.Me: Um, well I wouldn't reccomend that. I think we should watch it first with Portuguese subtitles and then English ones because that has worked really
well with all my other students.Larisse: I side with Kelly. I think we should only watch it in English!Me: Oh well, go ahead then!They turned on the DVD and I sat down expecting to have a nice 30 minutes to myself enjoying "Two and a Half Men". Was I wrong! Every single phrase that either Charlie, Jake or Alan would say they would immediately press the pause button and ask me to translate what was just said. As much as I tried to explain to them that this was worth just as much as nothing when it came to their learning English they couldn't care less and pretended that they hadn't heard me. And all the while my nerves were mounting up and I did my very best to control myself for the longest 30 minutes of simultaneous translation (because honestly, that was pretty much what I was doing!) I ever had in my whole life. Those long 30 minutes were almost coming until an end when suddenly Jake blurts out: "Sizzle my dizzle!!!"Pause button immediately pressed. Both faces looking towards me waiting for my translation.I looked at them and said: Jake says something nasty, nothing worth translating.Larisse: Why not?Me: Well, it's not something nice he says... (for those of you who don't know: 'Shizzle my dizzle' = suck my dick) Kelly: And we can't know what it is he says?Me: I think you both wouldn't really like to hear it.Minute of silence.Larisse: Kelly, the truth is that I don't think our teacher knows what it means herself and so she tells us that she'd rather not tell us.Kelly: I bet so too... If she knew she wouldn't have a problem in telling us.And that is when I felt my blood rise and rise and rise some more. But instead of letting it burst out I held myself and answered them calmly: "Well, if you both insist on knowing let me tell you what it is then: (and I went on to give my own little literal translation of 'sizzle my dizzle' because I didn't think they deserved the correct answer anyways!) To start off, do you know when you put a pan on the fire to dry and you forget all about it?Both Kelly and Larisse nodded their heads affirmatively.Me: And then when you go into the kitchen you throw some water in this pot or pan to cool it off and yet because it's so hot when you throw the water inside it just evaporates and makes that little sizzling noise...that's what sizzle means... kind of like burn - or something of the sorts.Larisse: Oh, okay.Kelly: And how about dizzle?Me: Dizzle now means dick! So the translation to "sizzle my dizzle"would be: Burn my dick! (I said the last three words with an unusual enthusiasm from my part). As soon as I said that Larisse pratically fell of her seat and Kelly gave a little shriek. Both were with their eyes wide open in utter horror and disgust. I did my very best to hold back my smile of sheer
satisfaction. The feeling of "mission accomplished" I got from both their reactions were more than enough rewared for all the many long and gruelsome classes I had ever given them.Before next Monday came around I had around I had already phoned them to give them the news that I would no longer be able to continue giving them English classes. The truth was that I didn't want to give them the opportunity for payback!