thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
mind was still a little lost, though, searching for a plausible explanation for Edwards reaction.I couldnt understand. I knew we were best friends since we were little. We were truly friends, at least until then, but... Our rupture... It didnt seem a good enough reason for him to be so upset. Not to the point of Edward wanting to harm himself. Would it be because...And why in the fucking hell was that? Emm urged, breaking my line of thought.I sighed to ease my mind from spinning. Then I went with what I had. It was just the tip of the iceberg, but I couldnt provide much unless I told him the whole truth.He kissed Rosalie. I mumbled the shallow argument I was using to support my ridiculous decision. He knew I didnt want him with her. I explained not very convincingly.But as the words came out and the memories emerged, the jealousy took me completely again, reinforcing my resolve a little bit.I didnt know he had a thing for her. he murmured pensively. Anyway... He shook his head. Its OK, man. I understand, shes your sister, but hes still a guy even if hes your buddy. Im aware of the protective instinct thats driving you. I get it. I have a sister too, I guess you can remember how I reacted when you started dating her. He looked at me pointedly and I nodded, remembering pretty well how angry he got by then. But... I got over it. Because youre one of my best friends and I trust you. So... Isnt it kind of logical? For you to get over your sibling jealousy? You guys are best friends... You and Edward are almost like an... An item. Not in the romantic way, of course, but still... He said in a slightly mocking tone, and I shivered discreetly. He didnt know how I wanted it to be true in the romantic way. You cant stop being friends just because he wants to bang your sister. You didnt seem to mind when I banged her! He was trying to make me loosen up, I could tell because of all the jokes, but the image he was putting before me was terrible.Edward and Rosalie... Banging. I shook my head. I was still conscious of what I'd done, but the anger involved me regardless.Remember its my sister youre talking about. I warned him with a serious look, even though I wasnt that much worried about Roses dignity. I just wanted him to stop presenting me scenarios like that.He nodded while smiling. But its true, isnt it? Its not a good enough motive for you guys to fight, least of all to be apart. Besides, Im pretty sure Edward will prefer to skip this opportunity with Rose, or whatever it is, than jeopardizing your friendship. Honestly, man, if thats what provoked the fight... He shook his head again and released a puff of air. Really, I dont see the reason for such a fuss. Neither do I. I mumbled to myself, still puzzled about the way Edward
was affected.Im not talking about Edwards reaction, Jasper. Emmet said in a stern tone, almost as if he had read my last thought.I bowed my head, feeling kind of embarrassed. It wasnt like I could explain my real reasons to him. Youre so jealous over Rosalie you cant get past it for your best friend? He insisted.Its not just that, Emm.What else?He... Kind of... Betrayed me! as my explanation, my voice didn't have any stability. He asked me about Rose and I told him I didnt want it. But he did it anyway... And this is not the first time hed failed me.I was actually trying to convince myself of that, trying to hold on to my resolve, but it was so frail, so ridiculous that even I wasn't buying it.How so?Dont you remember? He knew about Alice and never told me a thing until I found out about the whole shit. I answered a little angrily.The big guy huffed impatiently and looked at me disapprovingly.That shit was debatable. First, because it wasn't just Edward who knew what my sister was doing behind your back. If he failed you, we all did. Everybody knew, Alice had never worried about hiding it. Second, you didn't really want to know, you were playing dumb, admit it. You were so fucking deeply in love with her that you were blind and permissive. So many other small things she did and you just turned your head to the other side. Thirdly, and most importantly, he was just worried about how bad you would hurt. He was protecting you, like he'd always done. And you overreacted. Much like youre doing now.He was right and I knew all of that beforehand. But I couldn't back down. Otherwise how would I justify my needing to be away from him?Im not overreacting, Emmet. If anybody is doing so, Its Edward, not me. I tried to sound rude and decided, but I'm pretty sure I just seemed stubborn.Youre the one breaking off a lifelong friendship for nothing. He replied harshly.I held onto my jealousy to convince him... And myself.I don't think a betrayal is nothing, Emmet.Jay-bro, man... He started in a suspicious tone. You know... It seems to me youre not really jealous over your sister. He affirmed cautiously.What do you mean? I replied with a questioning look and a defiant voice, but internally I got immediately scared.You seem... He hesitated a little, shaking his head, but then he looked deep into my eyes, squinting his, and finished. ...Jealous over Edward. He stated, and his voice was linear, like he had no doubt about what he was saying.My breath got caught up in my throat and I diverted my eyes from his faster than I should have. And as if my reaction wasnt clarifying enough, I could feel the heat burning my cheeks and neck strongly, telling me my face was deeply, and explicitly, blushed.I wouldn't have worried if there hadn't been any lights around us. But unfortunately his flashlight and my lamp were on. He could see me pretty well.
I couldn't have hidden if I had wanted to. Holy crap... He mumbled. You are jealous over Edward.No, I'm not! I answered loud, fast and obviously desperate.Oh shit!By the look on Emmet's face, a look that assured me he had everything figured out, I knew I was screwed. He stood up slowly and sat again right before me. In complete silence he stared at my face, his expression calm, but at the same time, seeming kind of careful.I took a deep breath and prepared myself. I had a pretty good idea about what he was about to ask me, and I knew it wouldnt matter if I lied. He would know the truth, if he didnt know it already by my traitorous body language.You know Im as your friend as Im Edwards, right? He asked as if he was talking to a scared kid.Yeah. But he is your best friend. Im just a friend. I corrected pointedly.It doesnt change my loyalty towards both of you. He reiterated. Im closer to E, but only because we have more in common.I nodded my head in agreement, then shrugged. And...?And this means... You can open up. His eyes were attentive at my every move. I won't judge, and I won't tell anyone. Unless you want me to.What are you talking about? I tried to escape.Emmet leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs and interlaced his fingers in front of his body. He meant business.You're feeling something for him, aren't you? Something real, I mean. Something more than the connection the two of you have always shared. He was just checking.It was obvious that, as Bella, he'd figured all out through my revealing actions.No point in denying it.But my sense of self-preservation drove me to try and hide some more.I don't know what you're saying. My voice was faltering, affected by my fears.I stood up once more, turned my back to him and walked slowly until I was on the lakeshore. I sank my hands on my jeans pockets and sighed, looking fixedly to the dark horizon. I knew I was exposed...It took some minutes, a strained silence filling the air. But then a big heavy hand rested on my right shoulder. You can trust me, man. The big guy said in a serious tone. I sighed. I know. I murmured. I looked at him, surprisingly not feeling intimidated by his huge size. Actually, I felt pretty comfortable, although still a little hesitant.You cant tell anyone. I pleaded, feeling my heart rate accelerate. Especially not Edward.I wont. He promised. You have my word. I exhaled, looked at the lake again and closed my eyes. It was hard to confess, harder than I thought it would be. Specially because it would be the very first time I would say the whole freaking truth, the one I had just figured out, out loud. But to be truthful, I needed to put that out.I hesitated for a minute or two, until I was able to force the words out of me.Im not gay... I whispered, noticing by my
peripheral view that Emmet was nodding. But Im... Im in love with him. My voice was even lower than when I started to speak.I heard Emmets low wow!, but it didnt stop me. I had opened the gates. The truth was flowing and there was no stopping it.Ive just figured this out... But its been going on for some time... Im not really sure when it all started but... If Im being real with myself, Ill have to admit that, somehow, the feeling was always there... Maybe just maturing, or waiting for me to assimilate it. I sighed forcefully. Last Sunday... That was just me being heartbroken...Emmets hand squeezed my shoulder. His voice was soft when he spoke carefully. So what really happened?When I saw him kissing my sister I got completely furious. I answered in a humorless brief laugh. I was so overwhelmed by the jealousy... I had been confused by the realisation that I was more than only attracted to him, and also frustrated cause I knew he would never want me the way I want him. I had all the implications of this fact over our friendship massacring me for weeks, so when the blunt truth was rubbed in my face I simply lost it... I had been on edge since my birthday... I took a deep breath. Basically I was angry and hurt. All that... The fight, the harsh words I told him, the accusations, the breaking off... I shook my head, realizing how ridiculous it all had been. It was all a result of my not dealing well with the reality. Edward would never... Feel the same way for me... I shrugged.There was nothing more to say. And Emmet was probably speechless, not knowing what to say to me in a situation like that. So the silence extended.What are you going to do, man? He asked carefully at some point.I sighed. Theres nothing I can do. I lamented. Hes interested in Rose. And even if he wasnt, hed never be interested in me this way.Im sorry, Jay... He lamented too, and I could feel his sincerity. But you dont need to end your friendship. You can still be friends, cant you?I dont know if Im that strong, Emm... I explained. At first I thought I was just attracted to him, and if that was the case, then maybe I could handle him being with my sister. Or any other girl, for that matter. But I... I exhaled, containing the words. They were really hard to verbalize. Its not that simple now.I understand. His voice seemed sad. And I dont want to push you... But Jay, youre very important to him. He wouldnt be in such a bad shape if you werent. So, at least try to give it some thought. If not for the years of complicity that you two shared, do it for him, and for the feeling you have for him. Maybe you can find a middle ground, I don't know... But don't extirpate yourself from his life like this... Hes a mess, man.I closed
my eyes tightly, filled with remorse. I was being so selfish... I wanted to be altruist, I wanted to put his well being above my own, but I wasnt sure If was that strong...Would you do that? Emmets voice sounded like a wake up call, requesting a decision from me, a compromise.Would I do that? Was I able to suppress the hurt I was feeling to spare him, to protect him from the hurt he was feeling?Did I loved him enough to the point of being capable of putting all my pain behind me just so his would be healed?I opened my eyes and stared at a small breach in the sky where it was possible to see some stars. I concentrated in them assimilating the truth that I had been looking for since my talk with my momma...Yes. I loved him that much.Previous chapter Supplement 1
I was seething. I was pretty sure that the wrath boiling up inside of me could explode a whole neighborhood (if not the whole city). I wasnt even seeing red anymore, I was seeing crimson, scarlet, I wanted to break something. Better yet, shatter, smash, shred something into a million pieces.Strangely enough, my eyes started to sting, and therefore I had the urge to run as far from Edwards house as possible, before the first anger tears were shed. And that would have been exactly what I would have done, if I hadnt bumped into Bella.Jay! She grabbed my arm and started pulling me back to the house. I was just going to your house to look for you, what happened? I was worried.I opened my mouth to answer, but I never got to say anything.Ive just called you minutes ago, but you didnt answer... I thought youd given up, but you dont need to... she kept talking and pulling me, completely unaware of how I was. You dont need to do it today, you can wait until tomorrow, and we can seat a little apart from everyone and talk some more until you feel youre ready to do this...I stopped and braked her movement. Im not talking to him. I said even before she turned to me. Not today, not ever.Bella looked at me with surprise, tilted her head and frowned.What?! Why? I thought you agreed that you cant hide this from him.Ive changed my mind, I dont want him to know. my voice sounded strained.Bella sighed and got closer, looking deep in my eyes.Jay, I know youre afraid but... It wont get any easier. The best thing to...It doesnt matter if I tell him, Bella! I spat at her. It wont change anything!Maybe not. She said calmly, her brows raised in defiance. But, first, youll never be able to live with it in secret. If you dont tell him, it will undermine your friendship. And second... Youll never know what can happen if you dont try.Yeah, actually I know. I answered angrily. Nothing. Nothing would ever happen, nothing will ever happen. I knew it before, and Im sure now. So, no point in telling him anything.I thought you had decided to tell him because it would be the most honest attitude to take. she spoke with clear irritation. How will you be able to keep a secret like this from him? Itll eat you alive, Jasper!It doesnt matter. It can eat me alive, I dont care. I replied harshly. He doesnt deserve my honesty. Hes not been honest with me.What the hell are you talking about? She asked with impatience. I took a deep breath, trying to keep the image of Edward kissing Rosalie away from my mind.I felt the frown deforming my face, and the anger and jealousy burning inside my stomach.Jasper, please, answer me. Bella demanded.I looked at her, furious. Its Rose! The vulnerable one is my sister! I explained in an acid tone and she made a dumbfounded face to me. The girl he was waiting for
an opportunity to approach is her.Bella seemed puzzled for a brief while, probably mulling where and when shed heard those expressions before. I knew she would remember the day we were all at the pool and she had that conversation with Edward soon enough.She didnt disappoint me.It cant be. Bella mumbled, clearly surprised.Yes it can, and it is. I reinforced.But... It doesnt make sense... She spoke to herself. Then she looked at me. Are you sure?I huffed, impatient. I just saw him with her, OK? I kind of whispered-yelled. They were kissing. So, yeah, I guess Im sure.She looked aghast for a moment, but recovered quickly.Edward and Rose...? She seemed surprised and skeptic. Somethings off...Bella, I saw them! Nobody told me, I saw them with my own eyes.She inhaled deeply, looked around like clearing her mind, put one of her hands on her forehead and looked at me again.Jay, look, there must be an explanation for that. It makes no sense. Im sure this is a misunderstanding. Her voice was as tense as she seemed.But at that moment I didnt really care. I was hurt and furious, and I just wanted to go away from there as fast as possible.You can think whatever you want... Im outta here. I said and stepped away from her, prepared to go back to the garage and retrieve my bike.Where are you going? She asked, coming after me.Home.You cant simply leave. Youre really not talking to him?I stopped walking and looked at her, feeling beyond annoyed.No, Bella. Im not. Dont you see what hes just done? Actually no, I dont. She answered harshly. I understand that, if hes with Rose it will hurt you, but... Does it really make him unworthy of the truth? Does it make him any less of a friend?Yes, it does! I almost yelled. You dont understand. I shook my head. He knew how I would feel about it. I told him.You told him? Her expression was distraught. But you said...Not about me. I explained. About him being with her.Wait, Im totally confused here...It doesnt matter, OK? I just... I need to go. I turned and walked.But she was determined. She came after me again and this time she was kind of angry. She held my arm forcefully, and I looked at her surprised. She was pretty small and thin to have all that strength. Youre not going anywhere until we figure this out. I wont let you screw up your friendship with Edward because of an assumption. Yes, she was angry.I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes for an instant, trying to calm down and not take it out on her. It wasnt her fault.Bella, please? I asked in a quavering voice, feeling my eyes stinging intensely. Her stance softened. Its not an assumption, I saw the two of them together, kissing. It hurts, OK? My voice broke and I had to pause and breathe before continuing. Not only the fact that he hid this from me, but also the fact that he knew I wouldnt like it. Hes been disloyal
to me and its not the first time.Dont be stupid, Jay... She said with kindness saturating her voice. Youre not sure of what happened. You need to, at least, ask him. Ask him what?! If hes into my sister? How could he not be if he was kissing her? I questioned impatiently, making an spontaneous and irritated large gesture with my arms.Bella took my hands on hers and held them firmly.Please, stop. She demanded in a serious tone. Just breathe.I did as I was told, and one tear escaped from one of my eyes. I closed them.Bella sighed and let go of one of my hands to dry it with a soft finger. I sighed too.Jay, look at me... I heard her and obeyed. Be rational. This is your broken heart speaking, and I understand, but... Dont screw everything up.Whats more there to screw up, huh? He did it already. I said in a tired voice.He doesnt know you... She broke off and huffed. Just give him a chance, will you? He would do the same for you, and you know it.I exhaled heavily and diverted my eyes from hers, looking at the white fences that surrounded the house. I cant. I whispered through gritted teeth. Im raging, Bella.As she held my face to force me to look at her, I was hit by his presence. It reached me before his voice, like a sudden wave, powerful and unexpected. I closed my eyes again.Hey, youre here. He said from behind me, and I could identify, easily, the smile in his tone.Bella pressed her fingers in my temples. I opened my eyes and saw hers, and they were fierce in mine. She mouthed talk to him. I shook my head once before I felt his hand on my shoulder.Is something wrong? He asked, probably noticing Bellas distress by her facial expression.The anger roared inside me, making me turn to him abruptly, removing his hand violently from my shoulder with the movement.I looked at him with clear ire pouring out of my eyes intentionally, so there was no room left for doubt.He gasped, plainly surprised.What...? He started to ask, confusion written all over his face, but I never let him finish.Lets talk. I demanded and passed by him, walking towards the house without waiting for him.As soon as I entered the kitchen I clenched my fists and leaned them on the counter, my head bowed as I was trying to breathe as slowly as I could, despite of the boiling rage that was tearing me apart. What was that? His voice was hurt.I sighed forcefully and looked at him standing on the doorway, not worrying even a bit about the notorious fact that I was letting all my nuisance transpire.Thats exactly what Id like to know. I sounded really stern, and he looked even more hurt and confused.What are you talking about? You want me to tell you why you seem furious at me?Oh, cmon! I banged my fists on the counter for emphasis. Youre not stupid, Edward! You know fully well what Im
talking about.No, I dont. He affirmed while creasing his forehead. His eyes were getting darker by the second. All I know is that you just looked at me like I committed a crime or something. His voice was strained.Not a crime... But definitely treason.He frowned and tilted his head to the side, blinking his eyes as if trying to put pieces of a puzzle together.Youre really gonna pretend you dont know?!He simply kept looking at me with his brows furrowed.You were kissing my sister just minutes ago! I spat.He seemed shocked at first. Then confused. And finally embarrassed. He shook his head.Dont deny it, I saw!Its not what youre...He tried.Oh, really?! I interrupted him harshly amid a huffed sneer, not even bothering to hide my jealousy. Its not what Im thinking? Really, Edward, cant you choose a little more authentic excuse? But its really not... he tried again, this time stepping closer to the counter.Well, it pretty much looked like you two were kissing. I cut him off again, faking confusion. But, wait, I was being so ironic that he shook his head while his eyes roamed a little unfocused. maybe you were just talking really close to each others mouths! My voice got hard and louder. And the thing is, you knew I didnt want you to do this!His body got rigid, I could notice it as soon as it happened. And his face assumed this surprised-dubious expression.I-I knew... That you didnt want...? He was cautious now.I told you! I kind of screamed. I was totally losing it. On my birthday!Jasper, you... He exhaled, obviously disturbed and confused. You didnt tell me anything, you simply...I told you I was jealous! And that was when my voice got loud enough to make him flinch. All of a sudden I realized I was exposing everything. Every fucking feeling I had for him was there, out in the open, for anybody to see. If he hadnt noticed it before, he was certainly noticing now.Great. At least I got to do what I had decided to do before this whole shit came out . Telling him what I was feeling. Well, I wasnt exactly telling him, it was more like... Disclosing it but, anyway...We looked at each other for a while. He, breathing hard and sustaining a hurt and disturbed expression on his face. I, glaring at him despite the mortification of knowing that all I felt for him was so truly exposed.Look, nothing happened between me and your sister. he tried to assure me, and I found his voice slightly desperate. What you saw...You kissed her, I interrupted him again in an angry tone and thats not nothing. You... Betrayed me. I could identify clearly the hurt in my words and tone, but I didnt really care if he could notice. Again.He came around the counter in my direction and my whole body trembled in anticipation. I couldnt tell whether it was because I yearned his proximity or was afraid of an overreaction on my part. I was really shaken, nervous, angry... I wasnt