thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began.
Na noite de Pessach, as casas judias devem estar limpas e arrumadas, loucas e talheres que foram usados durante o ano sao postos de lado e tira-se dos armarios o servico destinado a esta festa. Se a casa nao tem dois servicos, todas as panelas que sao de uso ordinario sao escaldadas, casherizadas.Na ante-vespera, ao por do sol, a dona de casa limpa todo vestigio de pao, de massa ou de qualquer fermento, e a noite, segue-se o pai na procura do hametz. (Hametz e a designacao generica para toda comida e bebida feita de trigo, cevada, centeio, aveia, proibidos de se comer (ou possuir) em Pessach, pois sao levedados). Dai em diante, por oito dias, ou melhor, por nove dias,contando a vespera, nao entrarao nas casas massas e bolos fermentados. Dialogo familiarA familia comia tranquila quando, de repente, a filha de 10 anos comenta tristemente: Tenho uma ma noticia... Nao sou mais a virgem! E comeca a chorar visivelmente alterada, com as maos no rosto e um ar de vergonha.Um silencio sepulcral. E os pais comecam a trocar acusacoes mutuas...- Voce, sua filha da puta! (dirigindo-se a esposa). Isto e por voce ser como e! Por se vestir como puta barata e se arreganhar para o primeiro imbecil que chega aqui em casa. Claro, com este exemplo que a menina ve todo dia...- E voce!!! (apontando a filha de 25 anos) que fica se agarrando no sofa e lambendo aquele filho da puta do teu namorado que tem jeito de viado. Tudo na frente da menina!A mae nao aguenta mais e revida, gritando: Ah, e isto? E quem e o imbecil que gasta metade do salario com as putas e se despede delas na porta de casa? Pensa que eu e a menina somos cegas? E alem disto que exemplo tu pode dar se, desde que assinou esta maldita TV a cabo, passa todos os finais de semana assistindo a filmes porno de quinta categoria e depois se acaba sozinho, com direito a todos os tipos de gemidos e ganidos?Desconsolada e a beira de um colapso, a mae, com os olhos cheios de lagrimas e a voz tremula pega ternamente na mao da filhinha e pergunta baixinho: Como foi que isso aconteceu, filhinha? Fizeram vaginal? Anal? Te forcaram? Te bateram?E entre solucos a menina responde: Nao, mae! O que aconteceu foi que a professora me tirou do presepio! E a virgem, agora, e a Vanessa, eu vou fazer a vaquinha!SANTA CLAUS BECOMES JEWISHExhausted and overworked, Santa Claus has decided to convert to Judaism to lessen his workload and decrease his stress. Mr. Claus's first inkling that Judaism was his new intended path was when he was unloading one particularly heavy bag of gifts and muttered "Oy Oy Oy!" instead of "Ho Ho Ho!" Santa took this as divine inspiration and began some serious reflection on the matter. Mr. Claus sat down at his desk in the North Pole and itemized the benefits of bringing toys to Jewish children. Most obvious was that there were much less children to service, approximately 3,000,000
Jewish children, as opposed to almost 500,000,000 Christian children. The next obvious benefit was that he had eight days of Hanukah to deliver all of these gifts instead of jamming the entire shipment into one night, which constantly required the already weary Santa to travel at the speed of light to accomplish the task. Finally, the straw that broke the reindeer's back was the realization that Jewish households had far more delicious cuisine to offer Gefilte fish, chicken soup, blintzes, knishes and the like are more palatable than the milk and cookies he got bored of after the second century. Circumcision won't be necessary for Santa, because that's already been taken care of in a freak accident involving frostbite after getting stuck in a tight chimney. Santa has left the frigid, brutal confines of the North Pole and has begun his toy shop anew in the sunny climes of Miami Beach, Florida. He has fired all of those annoying elves and replaced them with nice Jewish retirees from New York. Aula de catecismo. Estamos chegando perto do Natal, e o padre quer fazer a classe refletir sobre Jesus. Ele entao pergunta a classe: Ja que Deus ressuscitou dos mortos no terceiro dia, onde ele esta agora?Paulinho levanta a mao e responde: Deus esta no Paraiso.Mariazinha responde: Deus esta no meu coracao.Juquinha levanta a mao e berra: Eu sei! Eu sei! Deus esta no banheiro!A classe toda fica muda, e olha o padre para saber se essa e a resposta certa. Mas o padre esta totalmente alucinado pela resposta do Juquinha. Depois de alguns segundos ele recupera o espirito e pergunta ao Juquinha porque ele acha que Deus esta no banheiro.Juquinha responde: Porque todo dia de manha meu pai se levanta, vai ate o banheiro e bate na porta dizendo: MEU DEUS, VOCE AINDA ESTA AI?
Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5,000 candidates assembled in a large hall. One of them was Maurice Cohen, a little Jewish man who was born in Tunisia. Bill Gates thanked the candidates for coming, but asked all those who were not familiar with the JAVA program language to leave. 2,000 rose and left the room. Maurice Cohen said to himself: 'I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try!" Bill Gates then asked all those who have no experience in managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people left. Maurice Cohen said to himself: 'I have never managed anybody, but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?' Then, Bill Gates asked all candidates who don't have outstanding academic qualifications to leave. 500 more people removed themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I left school at 15, but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stayed in the room. Finally, Bill Gates asked all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croatian language to rise and leave. 498 people got up and left the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, 'I do not speak Serbo-Croatian, but what the hell!? Have I got anything to lose?Maurice, himself alone with 1 other candidate; everyone else had gone. Bill Gates joined them and said, 'Apparently, you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian.' Calmly, Maurice turned to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch Ata Adonai." The other candidate answered: "Eloheinu Melech Ha'olam." ***Telefonema para um Apto em Higienopolis E da casa da familia Goldberg?" "Sim, mit quem a senior quer fala?" "Com a Sra. Goldberg, por favor." "A Sra. Goldboig foi gegangen no shoppink e depois foi na supermerkat." "Entao o Sr. Goldberg esta?" "Vues? neste hora da dia?O Sr. Goldberg shta trabalhando mit der shmates no loja." "E a Telma esta?" "No. Telminhe shta no shkolal, a Telma. Oy, a shayne un a kligerte! Voce ni vai acredita. Ela so tira 10! "Entao sera que o Henrique esta?" "Henrique shta na Fakultat de meditzien . Logo logo ele vai ser un grande doktor, kanaynahoreh OK, entendi. Entao, pelo que eu entendo a Sra. deve ser a mae da Sra. Goldberg, nao e?" "No, coitada da Babe Goldberg - ela is shoin geshtorben, ollivasholem. "Neste caso a Sra. pode me informar com quem estou falando?" "Claro senhor. Ich bin Severina, der shvartze shikse." ***Berl y Shmerl van caminando por la calle en Moscu en la epoca pre-perestroika. De repente, ven una policia mirandolos atentamente. 'Estoy en problemas,' dice Berl. 'No tengo mis documentos en orden y si la Policia me los pide, me llevara preso!' 'No te preocupes,' lo calma Shmerl. 'Yo tengo mis documentos en orden. Yo voy a empezar a correr y me va a perseguir pensando que tengo algun problema. Mientras tanto tu te escapas...'
Dicho y hecho. Shmerl empieza a correr y, efectivamente, la policia lo empieza a perseguir. Finalmente lo alcanza. 'Mostrame tus documentos,' le ordena el policia a Shmerl.Shmerl los saca y los muestra al oficial. 'Estan en orden. Por que entonces corriste?' 'Lo que sucede es que mi medico me mando correr cada dia por mi salud.' Por que entonces, no paraste cuando viste que te estaba persiguiendo?' 'Me estaba persiguiendo? Yo creia que Ud. iba al mismo medico...' respondio Shmerl. ***Iankel y Jaim van a Nueva York y fueron a comer a un restoran chino Kasher en el viejo East Side. Se sientan en la mesa y el mozo chino se les acerca y les habla en Idish. No pudieron creer! Cuando se acercaron a la caja para pagar, felicitaron al dueno por el mozo chino que habla Idish. 'Shhh, no lo digan en voz alta,' respondio el dueno, cree que le estamos ensenando a hablar ingles....' ***Jaime entra a una ferreteria y quiere comprar una olla. 'Sale $100,' dice el dueno. 'Pero en la ferreteria de la esquina la tienen a $75!' protesta Jaime. 'Entonces, por que no la compras alli?' pregunta el dueno del negocio. 'Pues, no tiene mas,' explica Jaime. 'El dia en que yo no tenga mas, te lo ofrecere por $50,' finalizo el comerciante... ***Dos judios, sentados en un cafe de Tel Aviv dialogaban: "Hay solo una salida posible" "Y, cual es?" "Israel tiene que declararle la guerra a los EE.UU." "De que estas hablando? Que ayuda seria esa?" "Bueno, es que perderiamos enseguida y los americanos enviaran una fuerza de ocupacion. Harian una alianza con un gobierno nuevo, pro-americano, garantizaran nuestras fronteras, nos inundaran con capitales americanos, estableceran nuestras industrias y tendriamos prosperidad". "Hmmm ... entiendo tu punto de vista, pero no creo que resulte". "Y, por que no?" "Porque con la 'suerte' judia ..... ganariamos la guerra!" ***Un antisemita entra en un bar, mira alrededor y ve que hay un solo judio sentado en una mesa. Va a la barra y dice Pago una cerveza a todos menos al judio ese. Cuenta 16 clientes, paga y el camarero se encarga de entregar las cervezas a cada uno, menos al judio, que esgrime una sonrisa.El anti-semita entonces dice, un sandwich especial de lomito bien cargado para cada uno, menos al judio.Paga, marchan los sandwiches, todos se ponen a comer y beber y el judio esgrime una sonrisa aun mas amplia.Entonces, el antisemita se acerca al camarero y le pregunta -el judio es idiota o algo asi de que se rie?Oh, no le contesta el camarero, el senor es el dueno del bar. ***Jaco, um tanto quanto cetico, foi a um medico que diziam fazia curas milagrosas atraves da auto-sugestao. Depois de alguns minutos de espera ele entrou no consultorio, sentou-se e o medico lhe disse: - Agora, senhor Jaco relaxa e diga: "Estou curado", "Estou curado", isso, repita 20 vezes. Ele obedeceu. - Prontinho - tornou o medico. - Pode ir para casa que o senhor esta otimo! Sao 50 reais! Inconformado com a atitude do
medico ele disse: - Doutor, repita 20 vezes: "Ja recebi", "Ja recebi"! *** The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine." The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac." The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."*** Un actor, luego de su primer papel en el teatro visita a su idishe Mame. -Y que papel te dieron? pregunto ella - El de un marido Judio ,contesta el hijo. -No importa mi hijo,otro dia te van a dar un papel hablado. ***The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang."This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We're officially declaring war on you!""How big is your army?" Iran s president asked."There's me, my cousin Moishe, and our whole pinochle team!" "I have a million in my army," said Iranian president."I'll call back!" said Mendel.The next day, Mendel called. "The war's still on!"We have now a bulldozer, and Goldblatt's tractor.""I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million.""Oy gevalt! said Mendel. "I'll call back."Mendel phoned the next day. "We're calling off the war.""Why? asked the president."Well," said Mendel, "we've all had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners.*** Sir Moses Haim Montefiore (1784-1885), o banqueiro judeu britanico, filantropo, defensor determinado dos direitos humanos e o sherife de Londres, esteve uma vez sentado num jantar ao lado de uma personalidade importante e anti-semita, que contou-lhe que acabara de voltar do Japao ondeeles nao tem nem porcos, nem judeus. Montefiore respondeu instantaneamente: Nestas circunstancias, o senhor e eu deveriamos ir la para que eles possam ter uma amostra de cada um.*** David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.David: Oh? What are they going to do?Ali: Circumcise me!David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.Ali: Did it hurt?David: I couldn't walk for a year! ***An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem."I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?""Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." ***At his 100th birthday Moshe was asked to explain his longevity.- "Onions".- Onions?- "Yes, onions. Every morning I eat a whole onion for breakfast. At noon I eat 2 onions. In the evening I have 3 onions, and before bed 4 more onions.
Xmas vrs. Chanukah Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Xmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to answer! 1. Xmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc, so even if you are an illiterate klutz you can't go wrong. 5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. 6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis. 7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? 8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful from sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. Jews burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. Unless of course you are in Israel where they celebrate by eating inedible cherry donuts call sufganiot. 9. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights. 10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary and Joseph. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. 11. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. We save money
on Chanukah, less gifts to buy, less to return, less junk to deal with, easier to sleep with. Better to stick with Chanukah! * * * * * * * * * * Chanukah Gelt It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign: Five Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today! Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the five hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the money," he announced grandly, waving the money before them. "Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's." "How much is it?" "Only a two hundred and fifty dollars, and it's worth at least three hundred and fifty." Feldman peeled off five fifties and gave them to her. The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more." "How much more?" "One hundred and fifty dollars." Feldman handed over the money. "Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die." "Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?" "Only a hundred dollars, Daddy dear." Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!" * * * * * Sweaters My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?" * * * * * Chanukah Mailing A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform." * * * * * Jewish Landing As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on: "Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off." "To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah." "To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas." * * * * * Top Ten Reasons to Like Chanukah 10.