thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
a decision?Her whole face lit up and her smile was so broad that her dimples got even more evident. Something in her stance disturbed me. I shook slightly.If everything goes the way I plan, youll know soon enough. She finished arching her brows up, giving me a pointed look and turning away.I simply didnt have it in me to confirm my suspicion, so I let her walk out of my room without uttering another word.My mind was a hundred miles per hour, though.I knew she was planning to get to Edward... And I was scared to death that she would get what she wanted.*Thursday passed in a blur. I woke up late cause I simply couldnt sleep the night before, I spent the little free time I had before work trying to convince myself to call Edward and ask him when he was coming back but I never went further than opening the speed dial screen, I worked more than I should have just because I needed the distraction, I went straight home by the end of the day, I didnt eat much, I went straight to my room after saying a very haggard good night to my mom, I stayed up, against my will, till three in the morning when sleep finally claimed me.On Friday the Thursday nightmare repeated itself partly. I spent my day in a haze of frustration mixed with sadness and longing. I lost count of how many times I sighed and took deep breaths to try and calm my heart. There was this anguish that I simply couldnt put away, and my heart was so heavy in my chest I couldnt breathe well.It was so strange to feel that way. Id never been so troubled before. And for something that wasnt really a real problem...Anyway, I went through the day. And by the beginning of the evening I was feeling down but I was managing. Barely. I took Rosalie to the party she wanted so much to go. I hardly spoke a word or two but I dont think she actually noticed anything. She was babbling (as usual) about her friends and the party... Only when she mentioned Edward (she said unabashedly she wished he were there) I had sort of a reaction (I cringed), and when she asked me about when he was coming back I kind of chastised her (I told her she should be a little less easy, and that she was too young for Edward) but she just dismissed me saying I was jealous of her cause I was too protective of her. Oh, my... She didnt have a clue. I was actually a terrible brother... Well, after leaving her in a girls filled fucking hell, I came back home hoping that all the stress of the last days would knock me out and I would finally have a good night sleep.I couldnt have been more mistaken...I slept, yes. But I had such a restless sleep it seemed I had spent the night awake.So, there I was, alone in my house backyard, Saturday
early morning, laid down on the grass with my eyes fixed on the remaining stars above me, feeling the crappy night effect dissipate slowly from my mind as I relaxed and wondering if nine days werent time enough for Carlisle and Edward to organize what was needed for our move to Providence.I missed him so much it was almost ridiculous. I knew it was like this because of these new feelings, and because his absence had enhanced them, I wouldnt say otherwise... We hadnt spoken with each other since that crazy call the previous Friday and it was getting increasingly strange not having him around. It seemed to me my needing his constant presence was intensifying every day we spent away from each other. I just wanted him to arrive as soon as possible. Even though I still didnt have any idea about what I was going to do with the whole shit that I was feeling...After a deep sigh I sat, folded my legs and put my elbows on my thighs, closing my eyes for an instant. It would be a while till the sunrise, and I would sit there and wait for the warmth of the first sunbeams . I was feeling so cold and lonely...Then my heart jolted. Out of nowhere. But as I was hit by the warm feeling I was so well acquainted with those days, I understood. I took a deep breath while letting my lips stretch at their own accord in a spontaneous and large smile. Then I closed my eyes, several seconds before something covered my head. A cap. I didnt move an inch. I knew he would sit by my side in less than a second.You're a Bear now. He said as I felt him joining me on the lawn, his tone seeming content.God! It was so good to hear his voice... I trembled.I exhaled heavily before opening my eyes looking forward. I was kind of afraid to look to the side... I held the caps flap and took it off, bringing it to my sight. I smiled even broader when I identified the Brown Bear paw printed on the cap sides and the big B on the front. It was all I could do to avoid doing what I really wanted... Looking at him at once.Who couldve known that my skinny shy best friend would become a brilliant basketball college player... He recited with clear pride. I finally looked at him, barely containing the joy that flooded me instantaneously as his beautiful face came into sight, my heart pounding faster. He smiled to me and I could feel myself melt.Say something you idiot! Unless you want him to realize youre so into him.And would get into an Ivy League university... I completed with a surprising linear tone. Or join the pre-med program...These Ive always known you were capable to pull off. He assured. The athletic part is the surprise.We laughed a little. And suddenly it didnt seem he had been away for almost two weeks. It felt like the whole shit I
had gone through in his absence had never happened.Odd.My heart started to calm down and I realized it was too early for him to be there.When did you arrive? The question practically slipped from my mouth.Just now. He answered simply. I was passing by in the car with dad, and I saw the post light on... He pointed to the post on the corner of my backyard and shrugged. I know you come here when you cant sleep. He sighed.He knew me so damn well...Youre not tired? Its five in the morning and I bet you didnt sleep along the flight here. I said in a light tone.The smile he gave me was so fucking beautiful... And I just knew he had understood I was showing him I knew him as well as he knew me. A little. He admitted it. I just wanted to give you the cap... He stopped talking and pursed his lips while shaking his head slightly.It was subtle, and I wasnt sure, but it seemed he had cut himself off before the real end of the sentence.I kept waiting for the rest but it never came. And then his cheeks started to redden. He was embarrassed? But why?I didnt want him to feel uncomfortable, though, so I started speaking the first thing that came to my mind.How did you get it? I asked holding the cap up, dazzled with how the blue in his eyes was glowing so much.Oh, I have my ways, you know that. His voice was joyful.Awkward moment passed. We laughed a little again before he proceeded. OK, actually, in one of the times I went to the university with my father, to hand in your documents and some of mine, we bumped into the basketball team coach. he explained with enthusiasm. It happens that my father and your future trainer were college mates. So they started to talk and my dad told him my best friend was one of his new acquisitions. He asked your name and when I told him... He paused, making an amazed face. He was so enthusiastic about you playing for the Bears... It was him who chose you. He was the one who saw the last season games. Remember I told you there was a Brown scout on the finals? I nodded. So, he said to us that he was astounded with your skills and that you were the first one to be recruited among the nine he did so.Really? I was perplex.Really! Cmon, Jay, you know youre that good. he paused again, lightly elbowing me. Then he gave me the cap and asked me to give it to you so youd know youre already a Bear. I put the cap back on my head, feeling a little proud of myself and happy as hell because my future coach was so thrilled to have me in his team. But frankly? I was happier cause Edward was proud of me.He put his hand on my shoulder.Happy? He asked, knowing too well the answer to that.Ive never been more excited
about something in my entire life. I grinned like an idiot. You should see our apartment. Were less than five minutes from campus, and we have a great view from the city. Besides, we have a spare room, which means... He gave me the cue.Well have the gang hanging out with us, there. Yeah.We nodded and smiled, and then, maybe, probably, overwhelmed by all the joy I was feeling for having him back there finally, this impulsiveness came out of nowhere, compelling me to spill without a filter. I missed you. It was just a whisper, but I could identify the intensity I put, unconsciously, in my voice. And by the face Edward immediately made, so did he.My face blushed and I averted my eyes from his, looking at my hands instead. Suddenly I was terrified of his reaction. Id spoken too much.Damn you, Jasper! Way to go! Now pray for him to be really tired and unobservant. Cause if hes not, for damn fucking sure hell get everything.Edward sighed deeply, what automatically made me think he had, indeed, noticed everything. What came next surprised the hell out of me.I missed you too, Jay. He assured in a serious, but steady, tone.I looked at him cautiously, afraid of what I would see, but he was looking at me with that soft gaze of his, something that confused me completely.Of course wed shown each other affection along our lives, but nothing like this, nothing so explicit like a confession of feeling each others absence. I didnt really know how I was expecting him to react, actually I hadnt even meant to say that, so I wasnt expecting anything. But for sure I wasnt expecting him to reciprocate. But I was happy, regardless. He missed me... Better yet, he missed me and also admitted he missed me.Did it mean anything?I didnt have time to rationalize it...Suddenly our eyes were locked. I couldnt look away from the brindle grey in his blue orbs, so intensely connected to mine... And something I couldnt describe transpired. Something was spreading inside me... A feeling I couldnt name. And there was this... Energy... A powerful energy that ignited my body in a foreign way, and propagated between us.Time stood still.I couldnt breathe. I couldnt speak. I couldnt even blink. I was completely lost into his eyes... All I was aware of (besides him) was this pull that was enticing me to move to him.And for damn sure I wasnt the only one feeling that. I could tell he was as much locked in my eyes as I was in his. I could almost see the electric current flowing between us, it was written all over his face and in the way he was staring at me. My gaze never diverted from his, and I dont know how long we kept looking intensely into each others eyes, but I was perfectly able to notice when his lips moved. It was a subtle move, almost imperceptible, like he was about to say something. But I would never know what... Jayjay! Baby,
are you out there? My moms voice reached my ears, loud and clear.Faster than I could follow, Edward was looking forward, his jaw set in a hard angle.What are you doing out here this early in the morning, sweets? My mom spoke from somewhere behind me. Hey Edward!I never looked away from him, still trying to gauge his mood. He turned his head on my mothers direction (she finally was at my sight range) and smiled.Good morning Miss Hale.What are you two doing out here in the cold? Its still dark. Come inside.At last I looked away. I concentrated in my hands, inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, forcing the tension out of me.Ive just arrived from Providence and I was passing by when I saw the post light on. He gave my mother the same explanation he gave me. But Im heading home. My moms probably waking up and shell wonder where I am. I just wanted to hand Jays new cap. His voice was weird, trembled I guessed, but it could be my clouded mind tricking me.Oh, OK. Are you sure you dont wanna stay and have breakfast with us?After almost two weeks away from home, I better be there when my mom sets the table. Another day then. Tell Esme I sent a kiss. Jayjay, son, are you gonna stay out here, freezing?I looked at my mom, controlling the unjustified anger I was feeling towards her. She was standing just beside Edward, a big smile on her beautiful face.Im going in in a sec, mom. And that said I rose from the ground.I noticed Edward doing the same but I didnt look at his direction. I was really shaken.So Ill leave you boys to say your goodbyes. Bye Edward. Dont be a stranger. My mom said as she moved away.Bye Miss Hale.We finally looked at each other again and it was so fucking weird...At least it was clear something had really happened and I wasnt seeing things that were not there.I have to go. I told my dad I wouldnt take long, so... He shrugged, his shoulders tense, his hands inside his pockets, his face blushed. Ill see you later, yeah? Youre still going to the festival?I hadnt noticed I was mimicking his posture until then. I exhaled once more, heavily, and nodded. Everybodys gonna meet at your house, right?As usual. He smiled, but it was so frail it didnt reach his eyes.See you then.He nodded and soon was walking away.What had just happened between us?*For fuck sake, Jay! Jacob shouted from Emmets car window. We said one oclock, not around one!I left my bike leaned on Edwards house wood gate and hurried to the open back door of the big guys truck, seating by Edwards side.We were almost leaving without you. Emm said in a harsh tone. Its almost two and well probably get some traffic. It will be a hell to find a good parking space.I called you three times but you didnt answer. Edwards voice was the only soft one, his eyes attentive on my face, gauging
carefully my mood. I couldnt answer. I kind of apologized in a low voice just to him. Im sorry, guys. Something came up just as I was getting ready to come. I spoke louder so Jake and Emm could hear me above the engine roar, and my voice betrayed my disturbance. I almost didnt make it.Emmet looked briefly at me. OK, man. The next time you just warn us or ask me to pick you up. He said already looking to the road ahead.I nodded, knowing he wasnt seeing my gesture, and turned my head to the window, breathing slowly to calm myself down.Hell had broken loose at my house half an hour before I left. I was actually keeping a nice and purple remembrance of that.I stroked my forearm feeling the ache below my long sleeve shirt. It was a good thing the weather had changed and it was a little cool.Is everything OK? I heard Edwards voice. It was low enough for me to know it was meant just for me to hear it.I looked at him and he had this worried frown marring his perfect features. I sighed. I didnt want to mess up what would be our last day trip with the gang before we move. So I smiled weakly and nodded, not really trusting my voice.He was clearly not convinced. And it wasnt long till I felt his hand rest on my shoulder and squeeze a little. I expected him to remove it soon after, but he never did that. He simply leaned his elbow on the backrest and kept his hand on me while looking into my eyes with this tenderness.I felt protected enough. So I sighed again, in relief, and bowed my head.The rest of the one hour trip to Seattle was basically uneventful. Jake and Emm were talking lightly in the front, some song was playing in the sound system, Edward was replying every time the guys spoke directly to him and I was quietly looking through the window. My best friends hand never left my shoulder, and for that I was grateful. Even more so than for his discretion.We arrived half an hour later than what we had planned, and we indeed had some difficulty in finding a nice enough parking space, but I guess the guys noticed how down I was, so they never gave a hard time.As soon as we parked Jacob left the car and Emmet threw the keys over his shoulder to Edward, which puzzled me completely. Dont take too long. We meet at the entrance. And then he closed the door, leaving us alone.Edward exhaled heavily and I turned to him. He was already turned in my direction.What did he do this time? He asked sternly.There was no point in hiding what happened from him, he knew something was up and it was clear he also knew it was related to my father. And I actually needed his support, as always, but I wasnt really in the mood to open up. If I did I was sure I
would cry and I didnt want to do that in front of him at that moment. I really dont wanna talk about that, E. Not now. I justified in a low tone.Do you wanna go somewhere else? He was obviously worried, his face was all distorted. You dont need to be here if you dont want to.Would you go and stay with me if I said yes? I thought. In that specific moment would be truly great to be alone with him.But I would never ask him that. Not in that ambiguous situation I was in.I dont... I hesitated in being sincere, cause I couldnt be so straight forward. But then I found a way to tell the truth without revealing too much. I dont really wanna be alone.He sighed. You wouldnt. Do you think I would leave you alone when I'm seeing you need me?A warm, comforting familiar feeling spread through my chest. This small reassurances of his care for me made all the difference.No. I know you wouldnt leave me by myself. Its just... I exhaled. I dont wanna screw your day.Swiftly he leaned in my direction and held my face between his hands. My heart bolted and I held my breath.How many times do I have to tell you youre the most important person in my life? His voice was deep, his eyes fierce. If you need me, Ill be with you. Not matter at what cost. So stop thinking you would screw my day if we werent here. What screws my day is seeing you like this and not be able to make you feel better.I nodded, a little in shock. And then my damn eyes fell to his lips. I couldnt avoid it. It was a natural reaction to his proximity.I heard him sigh loudly and then his hands were nowhere near me. I looked at his eyes, afraid of what I would see. They were closed.His forehead was creased, making his face look tense. I lowered my eyes to his hands and noticed they had just loosen from the fists Edward had obviously clenched them into.Was I reading too much in his gestures? Cause I had the impression he had just had a hard time letting me go...So, you wanna get outta here? He asked in a strained tone and I forced myself to look back at his face.If I said yes, where would we go? Probably to our spot, at the lake. We would be alone and I would open my heart to him as I always did. And this would be a big problem...Cause I was too fragile to keep myself in check, especially when this crazy, coming out of nowhere hope was filling me in and making me see things that most possibly were not there.So I regained consciousness, forcefully, and resigned myself to the reality.I wanna stay and go to the festival. I replied. OK. He sighed once more. Then, lets get outta the car.We were out soon after, and we walked in silence to the stadium. Once we met the guys
we entered and went to the meeting point where we had agreed to meet the girls.As we waited the conversation was flowing, about various subjects, and it was joyful, animated. But I wasnt engaging.I was discreetly looking at Edward, trying to grasp something, anything, that would support the insane hope that had arisen within me.Would it be possible he felt something for me? Something at least similar to what I was feeling for him?Previous Chapter Next chapter
Two years before...I was shaking so much I could barely walk. My eyes were so wild, I could feel them burning. But I had to be strong, I had to endure it like a man. I couldn't fall apart.I kept walking. But my steps were slow 'cause my feet were so heavy. My head was pounding unmercifully, and my heart was definitely broken...How could she do that to me? She said she loved me! I couldn't understand...My shoulders were shrunk and tense, my throat hurt, my stomach ached.Fucking stupid idea. Why did I want to surprise her? And why, oh why did I get into her house unannounced? I payed the price for my presumption.Images of her, screaming James' name, their bodies connected, moving profusely, invaded my mind. It was like a punch in the guts.I shook my head violently, getting immediately dizzy.I stopped walking, bowed my body and supported my weight with my hands on my bent knees.I couldn't breathe.We had made love on that bed so many times... And every single time she repeated how much in love with me she was. How could she take another guy to her room and fuck him while dating me? We had been together just the night before!I tried straightening up. My chest ached so strongly I had to clutch my shirt in a vain attempt to protect my heart from the shattering.Was she in love with him?I arched again, feeling sick. I dry-heaved a couple of times but nothing came out. I wanted to vomit, I wanted to take that horrible sensation from inside me... But my stomach was empty. There was nothing more than the deep disgust Alice had elicited in me with her vile act, with her betrayal.I straightened up again, this time with less effort, and took a deep breath."Just another block..." I said to myself while looking ahead. "I'm almost there."I kept walking. I kept breathing deeply. I kept talking myself out of the swirl of rage and despair that was threatening to drown me. My steps got a little stronger as I approached my destination.Soon I was in front of the familiar wooden gate that shielded the light blue house that I felt as my second home. My heart was just a bit calmer, just a little comforted. I knew I would find the shelter I so needed in that moment.I went in like I'd always done, using the hidden spare key put behind a loose brick for my benefit. I'd never needed to ring the bell or knock on the door. They never let me. They always made me feel that that house was my home too. Sometimes even more than my own house.I rushed up the stairs and ran to his room as soon as I passed the front door. I opened his door feeling the fucking damn traitorous tears sliding along my cheeks.Edward jumped out of his bed, startled with the door being slammed open, letting a book fall from his hands and on the mattress, as soon as I crossed the door sill.I