thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
compelling me to move forward, after him.He was opening the passengers door when I reached him.Edward... I called him hesitantly, not really knowing how I was going to start saying everything I had to say.He remained with his back to me. He just stood upright, looking straight forward. When I didnt continue he sighed visibly.What, Jasper? He asked with a tired voice. Then he looked at me, and the hurt I saw in his eyes made me want to beat myself up. I couldnt find any words to say, struck by the image before me. He seemed so different, so opposite to his shiny self. He was so... Distant. Not physically, it was his gaze, it was so vacant... He was obviously deep wounded and it was all a plain consequence of my impulsivity. It hurt me. It paralyzed me. So I simply stared at him, powerless. Internally I was forcing myself to open my mouth and say, at least, Im sorry. But the sentence seemed so shallow and insufficient. At the end nothing came out.He sighed again, bowed his head for a brief moment, then gazed at me once more. He looked more than vulnerable... He looked defeated.Just leave me alone... Please. he said, each and every word permeated with clear sadness, right before he got in the car.I remained there, looking blankly at Carlisles car as he drove away.Nicely done. Her voice reached my ears, acid as I had never heard before. I hope youre enjoying your doing.I exhaled forcefully, feeling crushed. I turned to her knowing I deserved her next harsh words.How could you treat him like that? She asked in a stern tone. How could you be so selfish?He told you everything... It wasnt a question.Bella looked away from me and heaved a sigh. After much insistence... She replied pensively. But thats not why he came here. She said plainly, then looked at me. Lets go inside and talk.I followed her inside.The house was empty, silent. Bella was alone as in most of the weekends. Her parents had a Bed and Breakfast in Seattle, and the weekends had always been the busiest days. During the week it was common to find Mr. and Mrs. Swan at home right before noon, but never on weekends.She went straight to the backyard, where I could see a big plaid blanket outstretched on the grass. She sat there, her back to me, and waited.I walked slowly, my eyes fixed on the place beside her, imagining Edward seated there. He had probably been in that spot mere minutes before... I took a deep breath and averted the thought and the image. I needed to be fully present for this talk. I sat by Bellas side, mimicking her posture with the bent legs and arms folded resting on the knees, and braced myself for the ride. I was prepared for the lecture that I knew was about to come.You being attracted to him doesnt make him attracted to you, you know... She spoke without looking at me. I know. I accepted. Bella, I...And being
interested in someone else wouldnt make him a bad friend. She continued, ignoring my tentative explanation. Even if this someone else was your sister. She looked at me pointedly.I know. I repeated carefully and she looked away.But sleeping with... Better saying, fucking She looked angrily at me. a person that cheated on you for months... That almost provoked the end of your life-long friendship... And worse, doing that in a sick retaliation for something that you were not even sure if really happened... That does make you a jerk and a stupid bastard. I heaved a sigh and closed my eyes. Of course by then everybody knew what happened (or, in the case, what didnt happen). That wasnt a surprise. The surprise was in how ashamed I was even though I hadnt done anything.I didnt sleep... I took a deep breath, wanting to center myself and to be as clear as I could. I didnt fuck Alice.You didnt. She was skeptic.I didnt, Bella. I reaffirmed. She took me to the Backdoor, I drank a lot, I asked her not to take me home because I was wasted, she took me to hers and I passed out on her bed. Thats all. I didnt lay a finger on her.She stared at me for a whole minute, analyzing me. Then she looked away.I believe you. She stated. Thats probably why she didnt want to tell me anything about it when I insisted on Friday. If something had happened she would have bragged about it. She huffed and looked at me. But Im still completely disappointed in you.Im disappointed in myself, too. I confessed. I had time to think... Her eyes were concentrated in me. And I know I was beyond unfair. I know its not his fault if he doesnt feel for me what I feel for him.Bella huffed again and diverted her gaze from my face. You dont deserve him. She kind of mumbled, and I concluded I wasnt supposed to hear her saying that.But I answered anyway.I know I dont. I murmured, very aware of that. But it doesnt matter anyway, does it?You know, I really love you, Jay, but you can be really stupid sometimes.I think I can. I admitted a little ashamed of myself.She turned hastily to me. Do you have any idea how deeply you hurt him?His wounded expression popped up in my mind, and strong, blazing guilt arose within me.Pretty much, yeah. I affirmed. I could see it just now.I told you you would screw things up... Why didnt you listen to me?I bowed my head once again, sighing heavily. I was hurting, Bella... I explained. It does not justify my actions, I know that. I know Edward didnt deserve any of the words I said to him, or the way I treated him... But I was fucking hurting. So damn much that I went deaf and blind and completely mindless.She heaved a sigh and I took a deep breath. It was hurting at that very moment, to remember everything and to face some of the consequences...I can
understand you acting impulsively because your heart was breaking... But, shit, Jasper! He tried to tell you... You didnt listen...I interrupted her.I didnt really wanted to hear him say the words, Bella... I wouldnt bear.Which words? She asked defiantly. You dont know what he was trying to say.I dont, but I had and still have a very good idea. She shook her head but I continued. He would tell me that he likes Rose... I exhaled, trying to endure the immediate pain. He would say that he wants to be with her. And then he would finish saying hes hoping for my endorsement...She huffed once more, this time a little more impatient.I promised I wouldnt... She mumbled again and stopped. She breathed slowly twice. How can you be so damn stupid?Youre really mad at me, arent you? Even though it wasnt intentional, my voice sounded hurt, like I obviously was. I didnt want her to see how she was hurting me with her words or behavior, I knew where she was coming from, but, at that moment, I couldnt really control whether my feelings were exposed or not.Her stance softened. She closed her eyes for a brief moment before looking at me again.I am. But just because I love you... I love you both, and I dont want to see you guys putting your feet on your mouths.I nodded and sighed. I was feeling so ashamed and guilt... And hurt and alone... I hated myself for what Id done. How angry is he at me? I asked hesitantly.Hes not angry at you, at all... Bella answered in a humorless brief laugh. He should be. I know I would. But he isnt. Hes truly hurt, though.I want to apologize. I wanted to do it just now, but...You paralyzed. She completed and I nodded. I figured. You went all stiff once he turned to you... You must do it soon, however. As fast as you can, before its too late.I looked at her feeling this creepy sensation crawling up my neck.Why are saying this?Thats why I told you we needed to talk today. You have very little time. She said in a grave tone. What Im about to tell you, Im just telling you because he never said I couldnt. Is it clear? I nodded. The school adviser was approached by someone from Oxford university some time ago, before graduation, and he was questioned about him.My heart skipped a beat. I didnt need more information to understand where this was going. It was obvious...He was accepted there, at Oxford?! I never knew hed applied.He hadnt. He was invited. They offered him a full ride. But he turned it down at that time.He did?Yeah.Why? And why in the hell didnt he tell me anything about it?What kind of stupid question is that? She spat at me. He turned it down because he wanted to go to college with you, dumbass, why else? She asked rhetorically, and I simply blushed. He didnt tell anybody anything because he thought it didnt matter since he was decided to
go to Brown with you.But now... I incited, kind of knowing what would come next.But now hes changed his mind. She completed.I huffed nervously. But hed turned it down, how can he decide to go to England now? The school semester is about to start in a month, theres no time for applications and interviews, all the deadlines are through...Bella held my forearm firmly, cutting off my nervous babbling with her stern tone.Oxford wants him, Jasper! Really wants him. So they put his acceptance and his scholarship on hold. She explained. Its all there just waiting for him.I looked away from her feeling totally lost. How could I compete with that? I was there looking for a way to make amends and he was planning on putting a whole ocean between us!Why would he do that? Why would he want to go to another continent? I was kinda thinking out loud, but Bella answered me anyway.If you think just a little harder, I know youll find the answer to that. Her voice was serious, it was like she was trying to elicit something from me, something that I already knew.But I wasnt thinking anymore. Fear had taken me. I was so scared of losing Edward once and for all that I was being completely driven by despair. There was no room in my mind to rationalize or mull over what Bella had just told me. All I could think about was what I could do to change his mind.I didnt know what I should, could or would do, definitely not, but I decided then and there that I wouldnt allow him to go. I have to do something. I mumbled. I cant let him go.My point exactly. Bella stated by my side.I looked at her.Why did he came here? I kind of urged.He came to ask me for a favor. She replied sternly. Dont ask me, because this I cant tell you. I gave my word.I sighed and nodded, accepting and respecting her position.Tell me what to do. Please. I know I cant have him, but I need him in my life. I exhaled. I was stupid to think I could be away from him, and I am prepared to apologize for what Ive done and try fixing things. I was just waiting for an opportunity to talk to him, but he has ignored my attempts to reach him, and now he wants to move to another country?! I can't let this happen, Bella... I sighed. The problem now is, by the way he reacted just now... He wont forgive me easily, if I even get a chance to ask for his forgiveness, that is.Do you really know him? She asked me in a harsh tone. Really, Jasper, hes your best friend and you know him longer than any of us, but still you dont know the person Edward is. Thats really dull.What do you mean?Oh my God! She exclaimed while rolling her eyes and turning her head away from me. She was impatient. What do I mean, really?! She looked at
me again. Ive never noticed how unaware you are. Do you ever pay attention to anything?I looked at her as if she was a foreign person speaking an ancient dialect. I wasnt following.She huffed impatiently, looked away from me once more with a frown and sighed heavily.Look, just... Just do what you have to do as fast as you can, OK? She kind of demanded returning her fierce eyes to mine. Maybe it's too late to change anything, but I suggest you try. If you really want to ever have any kind of relationship with him again, that is. I nodded in silence and concentrated in my hands clasped in front of me.I'm sorry I'm being harsh... Bella spoke apologetically. I just think you need a wake-up call. We looked at each other and her gaze was suddenly loving. You're OK?I looked away. Not really. But I'll feel a little better once I apologize to him. I closed my eyes briefly and inhaled, gathering the courage to tell Bella what I had figured out. Im in love with him, Bella.I noticed by my peripheral view that she turned to me swiftly. I sighed and looked at her. Her eyes were huge, and there was a faint smile playing on the corners of her lips.I love him. I reaffirmed.She really smiled then, and I smiled back, although I was feeling pretty sad.So you finally figured it out.Yes. But only after losing the only part of him that had always been mine... I lamented.Bella put a hand on my arm.You didn't lose any part of him, Jay. She affirmed sweetly. And believe me, you never will. Just go to him. She waved her arm forward, like telling me to move at that precise moment.Now? I asked a little uneasily.What are you waiting for? His departure date?I nodded, knowing she was beyond right. I couldn't wait, not even a second. Any snippet of time would mean his absence forever. I needed to act immediately.I raised from the ground and looked at her.Go. She encouraged with a soft smile.I practically ran to my car. Supplement 1 Next chapter
Driving there was tense. I was trying to gather all the right words to be able to transmit what I really meant. There was so much I wanted and needed to say to him, but I couldnt get to the point of putting my heart out. I had to be careful with what I was going to say (and with how I was going to say it).I was willing to do what was necessary. I was willing to accept Edwards feelings for my sister, to give him my endorsement and to deal with their relationship once it got to that. I was also willing to beg him, if needed, to forgive my terrible behaviour in the last couple of months, in special the last weekend.I was willing to do everything in my power to convince him that he didn't have to move away from me. I was willing to show him that I still was the first person he could count on, that I was still his best friend, that he could still trust me, and that I had not transformed into the mindless selfish jerk I had seemed to be lately. I was still the boy he grew up with and knew damn well.I was also prepared to face the struggle that I was about to compromise with. I knew how difficult it would be to keep my feelings for him in secret, to pretend they didnt exist, to restrain them so he wouldnt know. But I was doing that, for sure. I was going to put all my strength and effort in learning how to behave as normally as possible around him, as if the love I felt for him was much simpler than it really was.Yeah, I was doing that. That was the only way to keep what I had, that was all I could ever get from him. His friendship, his presence in my life. I was going to stick to that so I could go on. I had a terrible sensation that my feelings for Edward would never change, but I was young, I had much to live yet, I didnt know what the future held for me, things could take a different turn, I just had to be patient and settle with what was possible for me to have by then.I heaved a sigh and trapped my lower lip between my teeth. As I approached my neighborhood I got more and more nervous. I thought I had a little more time to get ready for that. But of course getting at Edwards house would be fast. Getting into the house and talking to him was what would never be so simple. Not after what I'd done.I parked my car outside, something really unusual, but given the situation, it was better to be careful. I knew pretty well we were not in good terms, so I wasn't sure I was allowed in the house.Instead of entering straight through the gate, I took a deep breath and rang the bell. Then I waited. My heart was racing, and
I was kinda fidgeting. I knew that soon I would be trembling slightly, but I hung in there.I didn't wait long. Mrs. C took only two minutes to come to the front of the house with a curious look.Jay?! She exclaimed clearly surprised as she recognized me standing outside the wooden gate. What are you doing? She had a beautiful smile on her face. Did something happened?I smiled shyly and shrugged. She didn't seem to know what was happening, which was probably why she was treating me as usually.Esme was a very kind person, one of the most kind I've ever met. It was from her that Edward had inherited his subtlety and amiability. And I loved her almost as much as I loved my momma. I was kinda afraid she was gonna get angry at me once she knew what I'd done.Uh, I need to talk to Edward...? The sentence sounded like a question as I tried, unsuccessfully, to hide my uncertainty and embarrassment.Esme opened the gate, and looked at me somewhat amused.Then why arent you already in his room with him? She questioned obviously confused. Since when do you need to ring the bell and wait for someone to allow your entrance?I smiled apologetically to her as I passed by her with my head hanging low. Its... Complicated. I mumbled. Were kind of... On the outs... So... I shrugged.Oh. She seemed to suddenly remember something. Yes. Carl told me about that. She wasnt surprised at all, even though Edward and I never used to fight, or even argue, for that matter. We had only had one quarrel our whole life, that whole Alice shit, and our non-speaking terms lasted no more than two weeks, and it all had happened almost two years ago. I nodded and followed her inside, feeling a little uncomfortable.Im sure its nothing. She affirmed undisturbed. Just like that other time. You two are teenagers, it's normal to get into an argument sometimes, I think it's actually very healthy to have some differences now and then. A good conflict nourishes character and strengthens your personalities and your relationship. She was speaking in her special placid tone, a tone that Edward used to call her psychologist mode. But I didn't mind she was using her professional skills to calm me, if that was what she was doing. I actually liked whenever she talked to me that way.Mrs. C stopped and turned to me before the end of the hall to the living room. She held my shoulders with her small hands and looked at me with her light blue eyes. They reminded me of Edward's eyes when he was happy...Don't worry too much and don't get all strange. It's part of the process of growing up, you'll still fight along your lives. But you boys are like brothers. I cringed. Nothing will ever be grave enough to really separate you two.With that I had to force the most fake smile I had ever feigned. The ache in my chest, arisen by the harsh reality, made me need to
take a deep breath. That was the way I was seen by them, and obviously by Edward too. I was family.I didn't mind, at all, that Mr. And Mrs. C saw me as a son. I actually felt very happy with that. But knowing that Edward saw me as a little brother hurt like hell.We resumed walking and soon we were in the living room. We stopped before the stairs just as Mr. C was coming from the kitchen. I felt immediately tense again, waiting for a frown or disapproving look from him. Why is everyone at home today? I thought to myself as I feared Carlisle's bad reaction to my presence.But it never came.Hey, Jay. He greeted me with what seemed withheld contentment. Youre fine?I only had the decency to nod. I couldnt do much else. I was still waiting for his disapproval on my latest actions.Edward is outside. He informed with a faint smile, pointing to the pool area with a tilt of his head. I assume youre here to fix things? Surprisingly, he seemed almost joyful with this perspective. Yeah. I sounded decided, my voice steady. Im here to apologize.His smile got broader as he looked at me approvingly. I looked at Esme, who seemed unaffected and tranquil as always, then again to Carlisle.Is he OK, you think it's a good moment? I asked carefully. I don't want to bother him, I just want to explain why I...I never finished my sentence since Mr. C came to me and held my shoulders firmly, much as Mrs. C had just done in the hall, effectively interrupting me.Go to him. His deep blue eyes were fierce in mine, and I had the odd impression he was trying to communicate something to me. He can really use his best friend today. He encouraged.I nodded and didnt waste any more time. With determined steps I walked out of the house through the lateral door that would lead me to the porch. I saw him at our old spot, under the Oak tree at his mothers garden. He was sitting on the swing, swaying lazily with his eyes closed. I was immediately affected by the simple sight of him.I stopped and sighed, just taking a minute to reign over my feelings and to contemplate Edward. How could I have spent so many years without noticing the sheer beauty of him? How could I have spent so much time by his side without noticing how my heart stumbled through the beats, anxious to fly off my chest and run to him? Or was it all really that recent...?It couldnt be... Not given the intensity of this sentiment. I had been blind, I had been oblivious, by no means the love I felt for him had just emerged out of nothing...I swallowed hard, looking down for a moment to control the vehemence of the emotion. It made me breathless. Once I calmed down a little, a minute later, I resumed my contemplation.At first he seemed distracted, deep lost in thought, but it wasn't long before he
noticed my presence, without even opening his eyes, I may add. I could identify the exact moment it happened.As I fixed my gaze a little more intensely on his perfect face, trying to gauge his mood, he braked his slow moves by dragging his feet over the grass, his body getting rigid. He visibly took a deep breath while I suddenly remembered him saying something to me that, at the time it happened, it hadn't made much sense.Whenever you're looking at me. I can always tell. And so it finally dawned on me what hed meant. I mused how I had never realized till that moment that we were this deeply connected. We were so linked, so tuned that we could feel one another before even seeing each other. I thought this was something that happened only to me but... Apparently it happened to him too.I wanted so desperately that it meant something more than just how strong our complicity was... But I knew that was it. That was all.Edward opened his eyes but didnt look at me. He just waited.I understood that was my cue, so I inhaled deeply and exhaled as slowly as I could, trying to calm down. Then I walked to him, in silence, paying attention to his every minimum move, until I was close enough. I stopped and crouched down right beside him.He finally looked my way. Our eyes were almost in the same level and as they met, into his I could read the hesitation, the fear, the hurt. I was such a horrible person... I had caused that. He didn't deserve it... I sighed.Hi... I kind of mumbled nervously.He exhaled heavily before answering in the same tone. Hey...Can I talk to you? My voice broke ridiculously mid sentence.He heaved a trembled breath and clearly clenched his teeth.I don't want to bother you. I assured him in a weak whisper. I can go if you...It's OK. He interrupted me hurriedly. You can stay and we can talk.We stared at each other's eyes a little, until he looked away seeming uncomfortable.My eyes fell to his left arm, resting in the black nylon arm sling, and followed the length until his hand. It pained me to realize that he was being deprived of the two things he needed to do the most when he was not OK. He couldnt play his piano, and he couldnt write, having his main-hand enclosed in that fucking cast.What the fuck had gotten into him? I really wanted to understand, I was still puzzled about the reasons for him to do that to himself, to harm his hand like that. And that was a good enough place to start our conversation.E... He looked hesitantly at me. Why the cast? I asked with a light tone, looking pointedly at his left hand. I knew all about it, but I kind of needed him to explain that to me. Besides, I couldnt expose Emmet.He lowered his gaze to his arm sling, probably mulling what to tell me. Then he looked back at me, clearly containing