thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
always taking me under his wing... Always putting himself out for me.That was proof enough... He considered me much more than a simple childhood best friend, and I knew it... Id always known. But it didnt make things any better, it actually made things worse... Because what seemed was... Hed always considered me like his little brother, somebody who needed his protection and care.I let go of the cap swiftly and flattened my hand on my chest abruptly.A killing pain was slowly, gradually, cracking my heart. I clutched my chest, breathing hard.So I finally felt the humidity flowing down my cheeks, and I realized I was crying.I opened my eyes, rested my head on the wall behind me and stared at the ceiling. Even with my eyes open, blurred with so many tears, I could still see his perfect face... The hurt deepened. The pain started to smash me... And all of a sudden I could understand everything.It finally sank in why that sentence seemed so wrong, so shallow. How could I not notice it before? It was so obvious... He'd always meant so much more than just a friend to me... Always.I knew it... Deep down inside, even if only subconsciously, I'd always known... And then I was remembering myself telling Bella it wouldn't be something minor. It wouldnt... I knew it.My heart started to pound faster, to constrict harder, further. It was racing, beating so fast that my chest was hurting really bad.I wasn't just into him...Oh, my God... I uttered, feeling the tears stream start to increase.I was in love with him...It was so easy to see at that moment, how falling in love with Edward was natural, simple, effortless... I trembled... I also could tell it was definite. It was also easy to assimilate that I couldnt go back, I couldnt retreat. There was no way to get over that... There was no escape for me... I took a deep breath, trying to control the overflow of so many feelings that started to rise. I rubbed both my hands on my eyes and cheeks to dry the tears, only to clear the way for more.I was quiet, silent. I wasnt sobbing but, I couldnt stop the tears flow. The more I rubbed them down, the more they flowed.Its no use... I thought. And I finally assumed how sad I was for my stupid decision... How dumb was I to think I could live without him in my life? Why did I say we were over?We werent... We would never be, at least not for me...But how could I take what I had said back? I couldnt... More tears came silently. And then the numbness from before was long gone, definitely. I was feeling again... I was scared, hurt, lonely...I remained there. Seated on my closet floor, my head leaning back on the wall, my eyes fixed on the ceiling, the tears flowing freely as I just breathed slowly.Im not sure at what point I fell asleep. I know the tears had dried soon before the first sunbeams brightened
my room, but I didnt have the willpower to stand up and get to bed. The last thing I remember is Edwards smiling face on my cell phone screen, as I was trying to convince myself it wasnt a very good idea to call him that early in the morning. And after that, nothing...I was submerged in a deep darkness.Surrounded by an unsettling silence. *Jayjay? I heard my mother's voice.Slowly, unwilling, I opened my eyes. I was still on the floor, my body curled up in a fetal position. Everything hurt, my legs, my arms, my back, my neck, probably because I slept on the carpet instead of on my bed... My eyes were stinging, and I was pretty sure they were red and puffy, I had a terrible headache... But the most worrying thing was the giant hole carved in my chest... It felt so empty... I knew my heart was beating normally in there, otherwise I wouldnt be awake and alive, but... It seemed like there was nothing in its place... Just an enormous, deep and dark gap.Jayjay, are you awake? My mother insisted on the other side of the door. I braced myself after heaving a deep sigh. Then I sat on the floor, blinking repeatedly and rubbing my eyes.Just a sec, momma. I said in a loud enough tone for her to hear me and got surprised with how hoarse I was.I got up and immediately felt light-headed, swaying a little before I could find my balance again. I took a deep breath, ready for the million questions my mom probably was about to suffocate me with (after all, I totally ignored her the night before, even though it was kind of an involuntary act...).I opened the door. She looked at me with surprised eyes at first, and then with tenderness. I kept waiting for the questioning, but it never happened. My mother simply slided her soft fingers on my face, gauging my mood, I thought, hugged me sweetly for a moment, sighed on my shoulder and looked at me again with a worried gaze.You should take a long hot shower. She said lovingly, holding my face in between her delicate hands. Then, if you feel like it, you can go downstairs and have something to eat. I made pancakes... She sighed and freed my face. Your sister went out. Were alone in the house.She put her hands on my shoulder and got on the tip of her toes, so I bowed my head waiting for her kiss. My mom kissed my forehead lingeringly, and I closed my eyes absorbing the warmth that the gesture brought me.Thanks, mom. I mumbled, thankful for her thoughtfulness. No problem. She shrugged, smiled and turned to the hall walking slowly.I took another deep breath and came back in my room, finally reaching my bed and sitting on it. I spent some time staring at nothing, trying to wrap my head around my decision and everything that happened the day before, the conversation I had with Bella, my reaction to the kiss between
Rosalie and Edward, my stupid escape with Alice, my last talk with Edward...Could it be possible that I already missed him?I did. I felt like his absence was everywhere around me, even though I had seen him just hours before... But I knew... It was because I knew we wouldnt be seeing each other like before... Everything would be totally different.This thought made me bow my head in regret. Would I be able to hold on to my decision...? I didnt want to. I knew that facing Edward and my sister together would be horrible, but it would be terribly worse not to have him in my life.I didnt know what to do... I was even more confused than when I realized I had feelings for him.How would I conciliate? Loving him and keeping him as a friend, seeing him in love with someone else? How could I live with that secret, with that feeling and still get along with him?Bella was right... And wasnt she always? That feeling, the secrecy, hanging out with him while he dated my sister, or any other girl for that matter, would be unbearable.I had to try and stay away. I had to try and try hard. Because it made more sense this way. It would be the easiest way out of that dark black hole I was in.On the floor of my closet a blinking light caught my attention. My cell phone. It was there since earlier, I dropped it probably as I fell asleep.I went to it, took it and checked. There was one call from the big guy and two from Bella, all of them from earlier in that morning. No calls from Edward... But what was I expecting, right? Then I took the chance to check my voicemail. Bella and Emm could have left a message when I didnt answer their calls. There was one message, so I put it to play on the speakerphone. Hey... Its me. Edwards whispered voice filled the room and I felt a pang in my heart.I heard him taking a deep breath, obviously preparing himself to continue saying whatever he was saying on the recording, but I couldnt take it. It was too much and I was terrified of what he may have said.So I turned it off, feeling my heart pounding so strongly in my chest that it hurt again. I looked at the offensive cell phone for a long while, forcing myself to decide whether I should delete the message or not. I checked the time it was sent and got surprised. Edward had sent it to me the previous afternoon. I was at the bar with Alice at the time. It was soon after our fight.I should have checked my voicemail earlier...Well, it didnt make any difference, anyway.So I finally decided to get rid of it, but when I was about to click delete Emmets picture popped up on my screen.I wasnt OK to answer, but the big guy didnt use to call unless it was something important. So I decided to take
the call. But before I could accept it, this distant low voice in my head told me that this was somehow related to what had happened the previous day, and I got immediately terrified, so I dodged the call and turned off the phone.I sighed, closed my eyes and dropped the phone on the floor. Hearing Edwards voice, thinking about him, receiving a call from Emmet and assuming that it was related to the latest events... Everything arose the memory of our fight, and it suddenly dawned on me how cruel I had been with E. My mind was clearer and my feelings were in check. Anyway, being so many hours after everything that transpired between Edward and me, it was easier to see how driven by my jealousy I had been, how irrationally and impulsively I had reacted. It was like I had transformed into a monster... I was so angry and full of resentment that I had ignored everything... How important he was to me, how fragile he could be when he was hurt, how he didnt deserve, at all, the sharp words I spoke to him.Please, just... Leave. His last words to me, and the palpable pain that enlaced them, came without my evoking.I closed my eyes and saw, again, the single glistening tear that trickled down his face.I had hurt him... And he hadnt even done anything to me... Not really, not consciously. He didnt know I was in love with him. He hadnt hurt me on purpose...But I did. And I did it so cruelly, so unmercifully, that it all went straight to my guts.I felt sick. I was instantly nauseated by my actions and had to run to the bathroom before it was too late.I felt so guilty and stupid... I dry-heaved for minutes... I hadnt eaten anything the day before so I had nothing in my stomach to throw up, but I wanted to vomit regardless. My eyes were tearing up while I tried to breathe between the gag reflexes, my heart pounding irregularly.Then I sat on the tiled floor, gasping, leaning on the sink cabinet. And, out of nowhere, an impossible image popped up in my mind.Edward and I... Kissing. In the middle of the bathroom.I blinked. I shook my head. But the image was so clear I couldnt ignore it.He had his hands on both sides of my face. I had mine around his neck. And our lips were locked in each others.Where did it come from? I was fantasizing about kissing him? I was getting crazy...I got up and got rid of my pants as fast as I could. I needed a shower. But not the hot, comforting shower my mother had suggested... No. I needed an icy, freezing shower to wake me up from that hallucination.I entered the stall and started the shower. As the cold water washed through me, more images arose in my head, making me disturbed.It seemed like an old dream, one I had some time ago but hadnt remembered until then. But it was also so real
I could almost swear it really happened.I want to kiss you... I want to kiss you so bad... I could hear myself saying as a clear image of Edwards lips, his perfect pink lips, slightly opening in response of what Id said, emerged in my mind.Jay, do you know who youre with? The echo of his voice flooded my brains, repeating the sentence like a broken record.I shook my head and opened my eyes. When did I have this dream? And why was I remembering it only now?I want to remember. My own voice, distant as an old memory, filled my ears.Suddenly I felt dizzy again, so I leaned on the wall for support, bowed my head and closed my eyes. I breathed deeply twice, trying to regain my balance. But when I opened my eyes the image took form in front of me again.Edwards lips... So close... The desire was overwhelming.I rubbed my eyes, feeling a strong thrill spreading throughout my body. My God... I mumbled to myself. What will I do with this...?What was happening to me? The idea was for me to get rid of what I was feeling by breaking off our friendship, not for it to get stronger... Why was I hallucinating about him?I put myself under the water spray again, closing my eyes and breathing deep repeatedly.I had to put my mind at ease. I couldnt keep thinking so much about him, I had to stop.For minutes I simply breathed and let the water wash my fears. Slowly, I started to calm down. Until I was able to think straight again.I left the shower stall after drying myself. I avoided the mirror cuz I knew what I would see there. I went through my morning routine as normally as I could, and then I went back to my room, straight to my closet, so I could get dressed. Then I went downstairs.My mom was watching some TV cooking show, seated on the sofa with crossed legs and interlaced hands on her lap, always so graceful in the way she behaved. She looked over her shoulder when I entered the room, quickly offering her right hand to me.I took it and kissed it with some reverence before rounding the sofa and sitting by her side. We were silent for a while, basically 'cause I didn't have anything to say and couldn't share my thoughts with her. But her presence was comforting, and I enjoyed the simplicity of being alone with my momma for a moment.Then she muted the TV and turned her body a little in my direction. I looked at her with a little fear of what she was seeing on my face and what she was about to say or ask.I know that, now that you're a young man, it's not my place to take care of your problems anymore... her voice sounded as always, soothing and sweet and loving. But you should know, and never forget, that I'm here for you if you need to talk. I diverted my eyes from her compassionate ones
and lowered my head. It would be really helpful to talk to her at that moment, I truly needed to unburden but... How could I?I also know that you may feel a little uncomfortable, talking to your mom about whatever this is... Of course she had noticed, even a blind person would have noticed my vexation at that point. But you don't need to tell me everything, you can just... Make questions or, maybe, speak about it without being specific. I looked at her kinda surprised and smiled, grateful again for her thoughtfulness. I sincerely didn't know this side of my mom.She shrugged and smiled back at me, and suddenly (and oddly) I felt like talking to her. I knew I couldn't disclose much, but she said I could make questions...I took a deep breath and exhaled heavily.What can we do to stop... Caring too much for someone?My mom creased her forehead slightly and I thought her expression was one of curiosity.Well, first of all, why would we want to stop caring for someone? Her voice was linear, neutral, she wasn't judging.Maybe because... I was going to say that the person didn't deserve it, but then I cut myself off 'cause it wasn't true at all. Maybe because it... Hurts... The person who cares. It was the best I could do to get nearer from the truth without exposing myself.Because the person on the receiving end of this care doesn't care the same way? She asked carefully. I nodded hesitantly. My mother smiled softly, comprehension glowing on her emerald eyes and making me feel strangely relieved.Well, my baby boy... She started while holding my face between her small delicate hands. It's not easy to stop caring for someone if this caring is truly deep and real. So, let me ask you some things... She paused, waiting for my permission, and I nodded again. Is it deep and real? I sighed heavily, lowered my eyes and nodded slightly. My mom sighed too. Hum. And would this feeling, this care that we have for someone, be strong enough to the point of making us capable of feeling happy if this person is happy? Even if it makes us a little sad.I was struck by how sweetly careful my mom was being, and how it was making me feel comfortable enough to open up a little. I breathed deeply, thinking about what she'd asked. Her hands went to my shoulders as she waited patiently.Would I feel happy if Edward felt happy? Yes, of course I would. But would I feel happy for him if Edward feeling happy hurt me, due to the reason he was happy?I didn't know... It was a tough question to answer. I thought it was possible with some effort, but...I think I could... Feel happy for the person, but... I'm not sure I would bear the hurt. I whispered without looking at my mom, fully aware that I had just been very specific.She held my face again, delicately making me look at her once more.Of course it takes some time, honey.
It's not easy and it requires a little self-sacrifice... But if the person is worth it...The person is worth it. I murmured, feeling my eyes fill with humidity.Then you should breathe deep and smile whenever youre around the person, especially when the pain is a little more intense. Smiling helps easing the heart. I smiled softly. Unless you think its best to keep away.I wasnt sure about that, so I shook my head slowly while shrugging.One single tear trickled down my face, and I lowered it a bit, a little embarrassed to be crying in front of my momma. She simply dried it with her fingers and pulled me into her embrace.Everything is going to be alright, honey. You're a sweet and strong young man, and you'll find your way through this.I held her back, feeling protected enough. I hoped she was right...Previous chapter
An odd brightness forced itself through my eyelids, and I woke up unwillingly. I looked at the window and frowned to the outrageous beautiful day outside. Fucking Wednesday.It seems to be a day to be happy, but I was so moody already, even before getting up, that the light sunny day was almost offensive.One whole week. Fuck!Edward had been away for a whole week. I was out of my mind with his absence. I felt like the order of the universe was all wrong, upside down or something. I knew it was an exaggeration on my part cause, for fuck damn sake, Edward and I had been away from each other many times before, so it shouldnt be so weird, as it felt, not to have him around.But I was practically going crazy...I was trying so hard to get a grip, but I was falling too deep in my nuisance, I was letting my missing him affect me too much, I didnt seem to be able to control my feelings, I was all over the place. The worst part was that we hadnt talked again since the previous Friday and I had no news about when he was coming back.Jay, are you awake?My sisters voice was the last sound on earth I needed to hear. She only reminded me that maybe, probably, Edward had a thing for her and I was likely to be enduring a big heartache in secret in the future if they got together.Anyway, she was my younger, my only, sibling, and she didnt have a clue about what was going on or how deeply I was envying her. So I turned to the door and looked at her.Unfortunately. I answered.She giggled. Good morning, big bro. Why are you so moody so early in this beautiful morning? She asked while coming to my bed.Rosalie sat by my side on the mattress and I sat leaning my back on the headboard.My life sucks. I summed up to her. Why are you so cheery?Oh, nothing really. She smiled a cheeky smile and her dimples made an appearance. Ive just made a decision that will probably allow something that Ive been longing for in a while to happen... Her green eyes glimmered.I squinted my eyes and, as she started to babble, I took a moment to assimilate two things.First, she looked so much like me... The same dimpled smile, the same ocean green eyes, the same facial features and the same hair texture. If it wasnt for her light blond hair, inherited from my german ancestry mother and opposite to my light brown hair, and the fact that we were from opposite genders, we could pass as identical twins.If Edward thought her beautiful (which was probable since he liked her), would he think so of me too?And second, was she talking about what I thought she was?Earth to Jasper! Rosalie snapped her fingers in front of my face making me blink and focus. Where did you go, big bro? Did you listen to any word I said?Not really. I mumbled annoyed. What
did you say?I didnt want to, but I was treating her very coldly. The truth was, it wasnt needed for Edward to be near her to make me jealous. I had just realized that her mere presence elicited the feeling, simply because I had the notion she was the one Edward wanted. At least apparently. I was telling you... She started babbling again, rolling her eyes, and I tried to focus on what she was saying even though I had a sudden urge to ignore her altogether. Theres going to be this party at Laurens house on Friday, and I really want to go, but you know, she lives in South Bay, so its too far to take a bus. I was actually going with Bella but she told me shes not gonna make it cause she has to go with her mother to Seattle, and then I asked dad to take me there but he said that I should ask you to take me there cause he has to be in bed early on Friday cause he has that training camp on Saturday, and mom hates to drive, even more so to a place thats so far away from the house, and I dont have a car yet, and you remember what dad told you when he gave you the Vanquish.You really said all that in less than twenty seconds? I asked in an extremely ironic tone. How could you breathe?Smartass. She gave it back to me while narrowing her eyes. So...?I sighed impatiently. I didnt want to do anything for her at that moment since she was, unknowingly yeah, but still, the object of my jealousy. But then again, she was completely unaware of my feelings for Edward and I had no right, even if she did so, to take my frustration out on her. So I controlled my slight anger and swallowed the will to tell her to go to hell. And you couldnt wait till later to ask me this... I squinted my eyes again.I was too anxious. Besides, I need to give an answer to Lauren today and Im already late for the girls meeting. It was my turn to roll the eyes. Ill take you there, but youll have to find a ride home. I mumbled grudgingly. I am definitely not staying up late or waking up in the middle of the night to pick you up.She smiled her dimpled smile once more, and I almost felt guilty to be such a douche with her. Almost. I was too caught up in my own damn chagrin to worry that much.No problem, big bro. Taking me there is enough. She winked and leaned to me. Youre the best. And she kissed my cheek.Then I couldnt avert the fucking guilt. Rosalie stood up and walked to the door. Once more I was acting against my will, but this time it was imperative that I did so.Rose. I called her and she turned to me under the doorsill. What were you talking about when you said you had made