thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
grows heavier and broken, but I learned to pretend very well.April 24th, 1850.Jack has come to visit me. We spent some time together by walking around the Victorian London and making the same things we always did since we met long time ago. But I noticed he was weird. What was he hidding?April 25th, 1850.We argued again. I was merely making a suggestion to leave around and perhaps visiting the Buckingham Palace when he retorded that I don't understand he has such an important exam to make in a few weeks. He shouts words against me and despite how hurt I get, which was deeper and deeper, I just listened.Why couldn't I say anything? Why couldn't I cry? Why? So many questions that I feared I had the answer.April 26th, 1850.Another arguing. It started when his mother said somethings to him and he clearly didn't stand by me. Somehow it went to higher levels of argument. I've never been so hurt in my entire relationship with him.April 27th, 1850.Today we received some friends. They have been noticing the abscence of ours in their parties. Jack gave the same answer: "Studying". He controled himself when Matthew, a friend of ours, said he was "studying too hard" and, therefore, "he should leave and have some fun", in which I agree. But all I received was another death glare from Jack.April 28th, 1850.We had a long and sad conversation that made me cry. Not in front of him, of course. If there was something I have learned between four years of relationship, it was this: do never cry in front of your lover, husband, brother or father. It shows only your weakness and they will never stand beside you. But he had some suspicious, though."Your eyes are too red", said Jack. "Have you been crying?""No, of course not" I said, laughing nervously."Yes, you have" he insisted. "I know you, my little one. Tell me, please".I was struggling against tears."No""Mary...""I said I'm fine, really"He sighed. "Fine, I'll believe in you"Two hours were spent in some sort of awkward silence. I didn't know what made me say, but probably was the revelation he told me that we were not working anymore. So, I opened my heart a little bit...All right I admit I cried. He cuddled me and everything was all right again. However, I didn't see that in his eyes, we would never be fixed again.April 29th, 1850.He studied, I made my obligations and the day would be perfect if, again, we had not failed to another arguing. The problem was that I wanted to study the same things he was studying, so I needed his help. Jack retorded that he wouldn't have time to teach me because I wouldn't like to learn.Another hell, but two hours later we were well again. But my heart was still broken. Yet, we had some fun that day by walking in some museums and going to Charlotte and Matthew's ball. There we danced, we laughed and even drank.But the worst day of my life was about to come.April 30th,
1850.It has come to nothing."We need to talk", he said as soon as I woke up."All right", I followed him to the living room."We haven't been well lately, and there's a lot going on in my life right now. It's even possible I move to Cambridge, because..."he stopped and carefully choose his words as he saw me frowning. "Mary, I have been in seriously doubt. It has been consumating me for months! I loved you and truly did, but now...""Now what?" I said, my voice too controled, my eyes too dried. Did I just turn myself into somebody else?"I don't know what to do"he paused and then added "It wouldn't be good for us to be apart""As it wouldn't be good for us if we remained together" I said. "Look, I do not give a damn about what people will think of us. Your parents, nor mine, ever had faith we would end up married anyway. We lived together, but so what? You seem to be used to something you are stuck and can't get out"."Mary..."he said, his eyes full of tears."You do not love me" I said. And hearing my voice saying this words broke my self defense. I was in tears myself."How can you say that?""Because it's true, Jack. You stopped loving me after you went to Cambridge! You only came back to me because I was faithful to you, because you always have chosen the safer way, how to be safe" I said, trying hard not to sob between words. "And I cannot stay with anyone who's "used" to me and doesn't love me how I love you"Then we both cried. Then we both spoke. Then we pretended. Then we have come to the end.The period that goes from May until September, there are no entries in my diary. Most because I was too hurt, I was studying and doing some other things, as I tried to forget him for good.October 1st, 1850.I'm tired of the balls. That's all what I have been doing since he left me. We have met somewhere in July, in his birthday, for pure and logical coincidence. He, however, was rude to me. I don't know why he's been SO rude. What have I done?October 2nd, 1850.He's engaged to some whore. How dared he?October 3rd, 1850.His mother invited mine to the engagement ball. I'm not going. The rude man can go to the hell.October 4th, 1850.How can he fall in love so easily after 4 years of committement, promises and almost going to engagement? Forgive me if I don't seem to understand.October 5th, 1850.I said I'm not going.October 6th, 1850.Not going, mother.October 7th, 1850.Not going, father.October 8th, 1850.STOP INVITING ME, YOU HEARTLESS PEOPLE.October 9th, 1850.I might go. Did I say that?October 10th, 1850.I went. And...Uh-Oh.October 11th, 1850.On the previous day, I met an older brother of Jack's university's best friend. His name is Henry Stewart. He's handsome, actually and scottish. Tall, blonde with green eyes. Very, very clever man, not to mention that he's rich and has connections to the high society-- to my
mother's pleasure.Mr. Stewart, how he was simply called because of his insistance (some called him "my lord" because he's the son of the Earl of Winchester), was very kind. We found out we shared common interests such as music, History (he is graduated in Law because of his parents, but if he could choose, as he told me yesterday, he would have become a historian. Interesting thought.), social sciences and dancing.As the ball was opened by Jack and his fiancee, a very rich lady named Katherine Cloves, getting all the attention to them, Mr Stewart and I would dance later too, but in the meantime we talked a lot. And I had that weird feeling I have met him before, that I have seen him before. What this could be?October 12th, 1850.Mr. Stewart surprisingly came by to visit me this morning. He invited my family and I to visit Manchester. If we were interested, of course. "But of course" I accepted even before asking my parents. But they gladly accepted too and so my eldest brother, George, and my mother and my father joined Mr. Stewart's family in two carriages to go for a long voyage to Manchester.October 13th, 1850.Mr. Stewart and I cannot stop talking. Oh, dear God. That feeling I have known him for long time is disturbing the peace of my broken heart.October 14th, 1850.He mentioned me he feels like he has known me for ages. I, like a foolish romantic girl, couldn't help but tell him I felt the same. I couldn't stop looking into his eyes. He's so...dreamy.October 15th, 1850.Rain and cold.October 16th, 1850.Cold and rain.October 17th, 1850.Henry is so kind."I'm sorry, I think I have this terrible habit of speaking too much", I said with an apologetic look.He laughed."It's fine, miss, I do not mind at all. I like to hear your voice".Oh. My. God. Did I just blush? What for? God, I'm in trouble.October 18th, 1850.The voyage has been terrible long, but not boring enough. George has given himself very well with Henry's brother, Louis (the one who's best friend of Jack), and sister Elizabeth. They are both indeed very delightful. Not to mention that George's parents and mine got along very fast. I think I'm truly happy for the first time in years!October 19th, 1850.Despite the fact we have spoken a lot in the entire voyage, Henry doesn't seem to get tired of me, neither I could get tired of him. We have now reached a very interesting, but also creepy, level, in which consisted in guessing each other's fondness. Why creepy, the reader must be wondering now? It's because I never told him these things and he never told me either.I dare say I believe we have some sort of connection.October 20th, 1850.We finally have arrived at Manchester and the first thing we did, right after we had arrived at the Abbey that is located in the countryside, was having a shower, dinner and then sleep. I have never slept so much in my entire life.October 21th, 1850.Henry introduced me the neighborhood. Interesting,
kind and pious people. There we had the first conversation about religion. He's lutheran and I'm anglican, but he confessed he wouldn't mind at all that, if someday he had to marry, he'd marry in both churches.Besides the religion, we also spoke of relationships and he was surprised by the fact I lived with a man of the same age as I for four years and never married. Of course he was shocked (who wouldn't be?!) but then he understood me.By the end of the day, we enjoyed each other's company very much. I couldn't admit to myself, but I was more than just fond of him.October 22th, 1850.A day so full of surprises that until the end of the day I was speechless."Mary, darling, you have 20 years old and are such a beauty..." started to say my mother right before the dinner. "You are in age of marrying, my dear girl", said my father.I frowned. "Couldn't you wait until we returned to London?" I asked."No", said my mother with her eyes sparkling of happiness. What was going on?"George proposed Elizabeth" announced my father "and the Earl of Winchester proposed us a marriage between his son and you, since you both got along so well. Henry did even come here afterwards to ask my permission" he said, proud of himself. "He'll propose you later".Too much information that I couldn't stand.George proposed Elizabeth Stewart? But what? Since when? And... am I going to marry Henry? On one hand, I was happy, of couse. But on the other hand, I was scared...A lot.I wasn't sure if I was ready to live as a married woman, specially when I'm all dependent of everyone else and am close to my mother. In other words, you may say I'm a spoilt child. But still... However, as I was sent to the gardens to have a time for myself, I realised that I was lying to myself: I loved Jack, yes, but not as much as I love Henry. He's the one I will gladly spend the rest of my life with, and most important, the one I have a spiritual connection. Might sound crazy, but that's how I feel. And it's true.So, it was no surprise at all when I met Henry."Hello, Henry. I was looking for you..."I said. "I mean... I was told you were looking for me". I blushed. Was I looking so idiot? My God. Indeed, I have no good manners, but who cares? That lady is not my mother-in-law anymore. In fact, what would she be? A horse covered by lady? An old horse, better saying... Ops. I forgot to complete the conversation. But these were basically my thoughts at the time.Henry, looking so handsome as always, smiled. "It's the truth that I was looking for you". He offered his arm and we started walking. "It might sound too early for you, Mary, but for the first time I saw you, I realised two things. The first is that you were broken and needed to be fixed. I wanted to do that
by myself. The second, that came as soon as we spoke, was the connection and the attraction I felt for you. They were only increased during our journey together."He paused to look at me and noticed how I agreed with all he was saying. Again with his smile, he carried on. "I'm 28 years old, miss, so I'm in age of marrying. You can realise the urgence that was for making double weddings" he stopped to chuckle and I followed him "But it's the love I feel for you that makes me want to marry you as soon as possible".Henry knelt and, by the most tradicional way, he looked deep into my teary and brown eyes, and said: "Mary Craig, would you accept this ring that represents the will of Lord and my own to have you as my wife?". I almost jumped him. "Oh, my! Of course, I do. With all my heart, Henry, I do, I do, I do".October 23th, 1850.I finish here, a week earlier than I was planning to, the entry of my journey. Henry and I are going to live quietly in Winchester and I intend to devote my life to him as his wife, being the mother of several children, if that's be the God's will. As for my parents and Henry's, they did get along and keep getting along, for having two children married between themselves. George and Elizabeth fell madly in love with each other right after the proposal, which makes me happy. Jack heard of my engagement and tried to break his own committement to the lady to marry me.But that was far too late and I have moved on, being the wife of my own prince charming without needing to have the approval of Queen Victoria and her society.The End.
Ela esperava por ele corteja-la. Era dificil, em tempos como aquele, manter-se em tal compostura quando tudo o que desejava era seu toque, seu beijo, seu amor. Amelia olhou para outro lado. Era facil se distrair na Corte da Rainha Victoria, mas ao mesmo tempo impossivel se concentrar naquele lugar.O Palacio de Buckingham era um lugar enorme, sem duvida, cujos jardins sao tao belos quanto o seu interior, mas sua beleza nao era o suficiente para tirar a jovem de 16 anos em questao dos pensamentos incessantes e aflitos. Mesmo sendo uma das mais bonitas daquela Corte, com seus cabelos loiros e cacheados presos majestosamente em um coque, os olhos azuis claros bem maquiados tais como os labios finos e as bochechas macias, Amelia nao se sentia desejada por ninguem. Exceto por aquele homem casado. O nome dele era William e era bem mais velho que ela, tinha, na verdade, 35 anos. Ainda assim, mantinha-se bonito com seus cabelos pretos curtos, os olhos verdes, o rosto conservado em si, e o corpo em forma. Era serio e conservador, usava roupa de militar, e era conhecido em Londres-se nao por toda a Inglaterra- como Conde de Gloucester.Antes que pudesse se lembrar de como haviam se conhecido, sir William Harris finalmente veio dirigir-se a senhorita Williams.--Boa noite, milady--ele disse, beijando sua mao e encarando de um jeito quase intimo em seus olhos--Espero que a sua primeira noite aqui na Corte tenha ocorrido bem.--Boa noite, sir--ela respondeu, se limitando a dar um sorriso educado--Esta saindo conforme o esperado, embora eu reconheca que nao esperava receber tanta atencao.--Ora, sua beleza e tamanha que se nao recebesse atencao eu estranharia--ele replicou, com um sorriso--Imagino que nao tenha se esquecido de quando a conheci?Amelia corou e baixou os olhos.--Como poderia?--ela sussurrou.Ele ainda sorria.--Hoje faz exatamente um ano. A primeira vez em que a vi, como uma menina, ingenua, andando pelos jardins, inconsciente de sua beleza, de quem voce realmente e. E quando se acidentou no lago? Nao fosse por mim, provavelmente teria se afogado.--Como tem a coragem de se lembrar de tais fatos se sua esposa esta no mesmo lugar que o senhor?--ela repreendeu-o, embora sorrisse.--Desde quando se importa com ela?--ele respondeu, com as sobrancelhas arqueadas--Na verdade, se eu posso me defender, nunca me casei com a senhora Harris por amor. Achei que tivesse conhecimento do fato, principalmente de que ela tem seus casos por ai--ele acrescenta como se fosse uma ironia do destino ainda continuarem casados.--Nao e da minha conta a vida de casados de voces--retorquiu Amelia--Eu so nao quero que o senhor se atreva a vir falar comigo. Nem na frente dela, nem na frente de ninguem.--Sua juventude e a pouca imaturidade me atraem, nao negarei isso. E, alem do mais--ele se interrompeu para olhar ao redor--o que uma conversa levaria outros pensarem? Nao seja irracional, Amelia. Como antes havia dito, a atracao a que me fui exposto assim que nos tornamos amigos... nao consigo mais nega-la. E a segunda vez que lhe confesso tais sentimentos e ainda nao recebi resposta alguma de sua parte.Amelia engoliu
em seco, olhou para os lados, e ficou aliviada por ninguem ver os dois alem de amigos. Concentrou entao seu olhar nele e temeu por si quando o encarou: viu naqueles belos olhos o desejo, o amor, o desespero e o medo. Aquilo a fez prender a respiracao, e o autocontrole estava quase sendo dissipado. O baile continuava, justamente naquele que era apresentada a Corte, ela estava ouvindo declaracoes que seu coracao desejava ouvir.Ela desviou o olhar, sentindo sua respiracao fugir do ritmo, tal como seu coracao o fazia, quando a razao era sobreposta pela emocao. No ano anterior, quando o conheceu, Amelia nao pensava nada alem de um rapaz gentil que a havia salvado de se afogar no lago, que tambem era um amigo da familia. Visitava sua familia quase todos os dias e foi atraves dele que sairam de Sussex para Londres, e mais ainda, como o sr Williams era de boa familia e tinha um dote que o fazia ser da nobreza, transferiu-se para a Corte da Rainha levando sua familia com ele gracas ao Lorde William. Ora, tal proximidade nao deveria ser nada se sua ingenuidade e falta de experiencia de vida nao tivessem influenciado nos sentimentos que comecaram a se aflorar? Passavam tanto tempo juntos, ninguem suspeitava, exceto a mae, a senhora Williams, que matinha-se quieta, mas desconfiava das intencoes daquele homem para com sua filha mais nova. E no mesmo ano, seu irmao, Albert, casou-se com a Condessa de Leicester. A influencia de sua familia aumentava e, junto com ela, os prestigios chegavam.Mas havia algo em William que a atraia mais para ele, e Amelia antes nao sabia o que era. Lembrou-se da confusao, do desespero que sentiu ao descobrir que era casado e como se culpou por ter atraido sua atencao e sentido tais sentimentos. Repreendia-se tanto, mas para que se ela ainda sentia tudo, o amor em si, quando o via? E ali estava ele, se declarando pela segunda vez, pessoalmente. Pois a primeira havia sido em carta e ela o havia queimado, em negacao.--Podemos--disse Amelia, quando conseguiu encontrar algo para dizer em resposta--nos encontrar depois. Se o senhor assim desejar.--Chame-me pelo meu nome--ele pediu--E sim, Amelia, eu a encontrarei em seus aposentos depois.Quando ele se foi, Amelia se recompos e continuou o baile, agindo como se tudo estivesse perfeitamente nos eixos. As vezes, procurava William com o olhar e o via sentado com seu pai, conversando na roda dos seus amigos. Mas, no momento em que ela foi dancar com um rapaz de sua idade, sentiu o olhar dele em si. Sorriu consigo mesma: provocar ciumes era o que poderia fazer de melhor no momento.As horas se passaram e eram quase de madrugada quando, ja em seu quarto e vestida para dormir, Amelia escutou uma batida em sua porta. Havia ela se esquecido do combinado com William e uma arrepio passou em seu pescoco, deixando-a nervosa. Tinha o bom senso de nao ser amante de ninguem, afinal, nao foi para isso que havia sido educada. Mas naquela hora, era a ultima coisa que
precisava se preocupar.Colocou o roupao e abriu a porta. Assim que o fez, viu William com os olhos desejosos de amor, procurando por uma resposta que o pudesse satisfazer.--Eu havia me esquecido, perdao--ela sussurrou, ignorando toda a tensao, pois sentia-se mais nervosa que ele--Entre, nao podemos ser vistos.Ele entrou, ofegando.--Eu poderia me vestir melhor, se quiser esperar em seu quarto...--disse Amelia, de costas para ele, sentindo as bochechas queimarem.--Eu a amo, Amelia--ele disse, indo por tras dela e colocando as maos em sua cintura--Se nao sentir o mesmo, me diga, que eu vou embora neste momento.--Como poderia nao ama-lo?--ela respondeu--Mas eu nao posso faze-lo, William, sabe muito bem disso. Se soubessem... Poderiam nos destruir, destrui-lo! E a sua reputacao que aqui discutimos. Nao posso me dar ao luxo de ve-lo cair assim... E o seu casamento? Ainda que sua esposa tenha tido tantos casos extraconjugais quanto voce, acha que ela nao sofreria a humilhacao em descobrir que tem uma amante de uma idade como a... minha? E eu nao posso ser sua amante, de forma alguma. Porque tenho meus principios, porque tenho 16 anos, porque voce e casado e...Mas Amelia foi interrompido com o beijo urgente de William, que a tomou pelos bracos e a deitou na cama. Ela nao conseguia negar, e como poderia? Ele queria a possuir, e ela o deixou faze-lo. Com todo o cuidado, mas de forma que nao controlasse mais o desejo, ele a possuiu durante toda a noite. Eram dois em um, eram o amor em si. Quando deu seis horas da manha, com muito sacrificio William teve de deixar a cama.--Prometo visita-la todas as noites--disse ele, aos sussurros--Amo-te, bela Amelia.Ela sorriu e disse que o amava de volta, com os olhos semi-cerrados, antes de ser derrotada pelo sono. Durante aquela semana, nenhuma suspeita fora levantada e os encontros entre Amelia e William aconteciam durante todas as madrugadas e com toda a discricao possivel. Nos bailes que eventualmente ocorriam, William detestava ve-la dancando com outros, mas mantinha-se impassivel.--Eu nao posso aguentar esses ciumes--confessou William, numa noite quente de verao, logo depois de terem feito amor--Quero dancando comigo, nao com esses jovens que nada sabem da vida.Amelia riu, divertida.--E mesmo, William? E eu sou o que, entao? Tenho pouca experiencia quanto eles. Mas--ela acrescentou,acariciando o rosto dele--isso nao quer dizer que nao podemos dancar. Eu ainda espero que voce me corteje outra vez, sabe?Ele a abracou.--Sabe que a amo e nao posso tira-la para dancar sempre. Mas eu prometo que teremos a nossa valsa.Os dois se beijaram por um longo tempo, e entao Amelia se afastou e disse:--Eu nao posso continuar sendo sua amante, William. Estou falando serio. Ja estou com idade para casar e sei que meus pais estao procurando por um pretendente que os satisfaca.--Nao diga asneiras, Amelia. Podemos ainda nos encontrar...--Eu nao posso ser submissa a voce, William, de jeito algum. Nao fui criada para ser a segunda opcao de ninguem. Ainda que, se eu for me casar, eu sempre seja a esposa traida, eu pelo menos nao passarei os dias sozinha em minha