thegoodfellas/blogset-br huggingface dataset:
some emotion I couldnt identify.Two broken fingers and a sprained wrist. He explained concisely.With some apprehension I understood he wouldnt make it any easier for me. And why would he? I didnt deserve his indulgence. It was clear I would have to dig all the information out of him.It was fine last time I saw you... I cautiously commented, hoping he would take the hint.He did. I hurt it afterwards.I knew that mentioning the last moment we saw each other would be hurtful. Not for me, I wasnt worried about myself, I was constantly hurting already. I was worried about him that was obviously more wounded than I had anticipated. But since he wasnt telling me what I really needed to know, I was bound to push... After the fight, or after I came here later...?Edward bit his lower lip, and so I knew he was affected by the memory, or maybe by my question that he didnt seem inclined to answer. Just as I predicted. Id already hurt it when you were here to retrieve your bike. He seemed reluctant.I didnt notice... I said with clear remorse, feeling even more guilty if that was even possible.It wasnt in the cast, yet. My father took care of it the next morning. He clarified in hurried words. Besides, youre pretty inattentive.His gaze had this defiant glint when he said that, but I didnt comprehend. Besides, I was dealing with my shame while I was assuming that what hed said was true.How it happened? I pushed further.He huffed as his eyes diverted from my face, and my stomach fluttered with anguish. He was definitely not willing to talk about it. I was afraid of pushing him too hard, but I desperately needed to have the whole picture to be able to understand his attitude.I kind of... He hesitated, and I thought he would omit the truth with some lame excuse, but then his gaze became firm. ...Punched a wall. Repeatedly. He completed.I heaved a sigh.And why would you do that? I finally asked, carefully, what I really wanted to know, afraid of making him evade.But that wasnt Edward. He would never run away from anything. Hed never done that.I was angry at myself... For what happened. I let all that happen. It's fucked up but... I wanted... I just needed to punish myself for my stupidity. He answered simply, shrugging and shaking his head.Damn fucking shit. I'd had a strong suspicion about that but... Fuck! Being certain that he had hurt himself because of our fight... It was even worse than I had thought, actually, because he was thinking that our fight, our stupid fight, was his fault. How come? I was the one who overreacted over nothing, that couldnt control the own impulses and took the jealousy out on him. He hadnt done anything.None of that was your fault. I asserted, my voice a little thicker than usual because of the regret I felt for putting him through that. It pretty much depends on how you look at it. He cut me off
before I could say anything else. If I hadnt be so stupid... He started to say, laughing humorlessly while shaking his head.I wasnt having it. It was not his fault that I got hurt by finding out he liked my sister. It wasnt his fault that I couldnt take it like a man. It wasnt his fault that I completely lost it. In a spontaneous prompt move I held his face in my hands, stopping his movement and forcing him to look at me.Hey, no! I exclaimed, momentarily ignoring how huge his eyes became, how surprised he suddenly seemed to be and how close our faces were. Youre not the one to blame. That's all my fault, and Im not letting you blame yourself for something I did.Jay... He tried, still shaking his head.No, Edward. I cut him off a little harshly, holding his face firmly, pretending I wasnt yearning to shorten the small distance between our heads. You didnt do anything. But I did. So, please... I sighed, and finally let go of his perfect face, getting a little distant so I could think clearer. Dont blame yourself. Blame me. He was looking incisively at me, so I knew I had his full attention. Blame me, and let me apologize. I asked.We exhaled heavily at the same time, trying to lighten the tension that was almost smashing us, obviously. I looked deep into his eyes, wanting so much to figure out why he kept trying to protect me even when I was unfair to him.Im sorry. I stated, containing the shame I felt so intensely. Im truly, so fucking sorry... For everything. Not only for the way I acted, but also for the harsh words, for the unfair accusations... For treating you so badly. And not only last Sunday, I mean this last few months. You didnt deserve any of that and I want... I need you to forgive me.You dont need to apologize, Jay... Thats the thing. I could see where you were coming from. And I gave you all the reasons to believe I was being unloyal to you. He rushed through the words, noticing I was ready to refute everything he was saying. But I...Please, dont do this. I begged, interrupting him. Stop it. It makes me feel even worse.What am I doing? He asked urgently, his expression one of confusion.What you always do? I kind of asked. Putting yourself out for me. Youre trying to spare me for the millionth time. You're trying to protect me from myself. I dont deserve your protection. You should be angry at me. He opened his mouth, certainly to protest, but I didnt let him. No, Edward, stop! I raised a hand between us. Im not the defenceless little boy you used to shield from everything and everyone anymore. Cant you see it? Im not your little brother.He sighed heavily, closed his eyes and turned his face away from mine. I waited. I needed to let him assimilate what I had said, so I could apologize properly and try to fix
that mess.Im a man now. I resumed cautiously once he opened his eyes again. I can defend myself, and I can also take responsibility for whatever I do. I sighed and lowered my head. Thats what Im trying to do here.I looked at him as I finished saying what I had to say, and we remained silent for a brief while.When he finally looked at me again, something in his stance was different. I couldnt identify exactly what. It was as if he was containing something, but I failed to grasp it.What do you want from me, Jasper? He asked in a serious tone, his expression guarded, cautious. What do you really want from me?You. Your love. Your heart, your mind... Your body and your soul. I contemplated my true desires.Your friendship. I stuck with what was possible. Right now, your forgiveness.He stared at me for a long while. I didnt back down, even though I wanted to. His gaze on me was grave, heavy, full of something I couldnt comprehend and that was making me very uncomfortable because of its intensity. But I didnt want him to doubt my attitude, so I kept my eyes on his.So, can you, please, forgive me? I kinda whispered, afraid of his final word.If the words will ease your mind, then... Youre forgiven. He conceded in a detached tone.I heaved a sigh and smiled slightly. I wasnt feeling the relief I had expected to feel, but I was content we were no longer on strained terms.Thank you. I could notice how lighter my voice was.Youre welcome... I guess. He was still strange, distant, I could still see the hurt in the deep gray that his eyes had assumed since the beginning of our conversation.I sat in front of him, on the ground, and we were silent for a while more, still staring at each others faces, maybe trying to assimilate what had just taken place between us. Although I couldnt pinpoint it, I could see there was something in his gaze, something more than the despondence that was obvious in his expression. There was a dark glint, a shadow, something obscure... I couldnt precise what it was... But it was terrifying me. In an unconscious reaction, I squinted slightly. Edward diverted his eyes from mine and exhaled.I was immediately afraid he would ask me to go and leave him alone, so I said the first thing that came to my mind, just so I could buy some more time with him and make sure we were really OK.Remember we used to lay here, on the grass, whole afternoons...? I incited the memories within him, but he was still looking away, seeming completely not interested. We used to speak nonsenses and laugh at nothing the whole time...Those were great moments... He commented pensively. Innocence is a bliss. Isnt it said Ignorance is a bliss? I questioned, just to keep him talking.He gazed softly at me, nodding his head slowly. The saying, Yeah. He paused briefly. But what I mean is actually innocence.I didnt understand, but it
didnt matter. I was rapidly lost in the intensity of his stare on me.I never lied to you. He affirmed calmly, all of a sudden. I may have omitted some things along our relationship, but only to try to protect you. He huffed a laugh after that, realizing that what I had mentioned before was actually true.I smiled slightly despite the anxiety that grew inside me.Why are you saying this? So youll be sure what Ill tell you is the truth. He explained and the heaved a sigh. He closed his eyes for a second and then looked at me. I didnt kiss Rosalie. He said sternly. Nothing happened between us.I bowed my head and concentrated my gaze on the grass between my folded legs. Remembering that moment, replay seeing them together in my head was hurtful, to say the least, and the anger threatened to arise.You dont believe me. He affirmed in a clear sad statement.I looked at him hesitantly, wanting to hear before assuming anything.I want to... But... I saw... My voice broke ridiculously. I saw the two of you. Nobody told me...What you saw was your sister coming onto me. Not the other way around. He assured me. If you had remained there, you would have seen that, mere seconds later I pushed her off of me and told her that that wasnt happening.I could see in his face, in his eyes, he was telling me the truth. But I didnt understand, though. If he was into her, why would he prevent something to happen between them? I was confused. And then I needed to know.Why? The question came out as a whisper, I couldnt precise the reason.He took a deep breath and exhaled forcefully.Because of you. He answered simply.Always trying to protect me... I could understand now.I bowed my head, unable to do that while looking into his eyes. He would see the truth in them and that was something that I needed to avoid.You dont need to withhold your will because of me. I rushed through the words before he could identify the pain saturating my voice. I know I acted like a crazy jealous brother, but... I had to swallow the lump in my throat. I had to be able to speak calmly and steadily if I wanted to put his mind at ease about my acceptance of his interest in my sister, before I could concede him my endorsement. I trust you. Youre my best friend and I know you... Ive known you all my life. Were like... Were... Family. I know youll be good for her.Since my eyes were long fixed on the grass, I couldnt see his face when he huffed impatiently. I looked at him again, puzzled. He was looking forward, his jaw set in a hard angle, his eyes blazing. I couldnt understand, he seemed mad. Id just given him what he wanted. Why was he annoyed?What? I asked confused.Nothing. He replied kind of coldly.I meant what I said. I reassured him.He looked at me almost angrily, and that confused me
further. I know.So, youll... I tried to ask about his next move, but I never got to finish my question.Im kind of tired. He cut me off. My hand hurts and I need to eat something, so... I guess Im getting in.Do you want me to... Stay? I sounded needy, but I didnt care.I want to be on my own. Im pretty sure my face fell, and it was clear enough for him to notice, because he kind of rushed to explain, his face softening just a little. Its all... Too much too soon, I need some time to... Process all this. OK. I accepted. He gave me much more than I thought I would get, and even more than I deserved.He almost lost his balance as he tried to get off the swing with only one free arm, so I hurried to get up and help him. But when I was about to touch him he dodged my hands raising back his right arm.I got it. He said as he got straightened up.I felt a pang in my heart, but then I remembered that, exactly a week before I had done the same thing, and without a proper reason. He had plenty.Edward started to walk without uttering another word, and I simply stood there, witnessing our link braking... By all means my fault.See you, Jay. He said before he passed through the glass doors, not even looking in my direction.See you, E. I murmured, long before hed disappeared into the house, for no one.Previous chapter Next chapter
Of course I got really angry once I remembered Id left my bike at Edwards house, and I was good two miles away from mine.Fucking shit! I muttered. So Ill have to walk. Great! I spoke to myself, walking on the sidewalk with my hands on my pockets.And as I walked, I couldnt avoid the flood of recent memories...Edward and Rosalie kissing... I closed my eyes and roared to the empty dark silent street.It hurt so much I could punch something.Edwards eyes... Downcast, sad, helpless...I hated that I had hurt him... I hated to know that he was disappointed in me... I hated to be angry at him... And most of all, I hated to be away from him... I knew my main reason was my jealousy... I didnt want him with Rose because I wanted him with me... And I knew well how unfair of me it was... But I couldnt get passed what hed done. The secrecy, the wanting-and-getting-Rosalie behind my back...Stop thinking! I screamed at myself as I quickened my step. I entangled my fingers in my hair, pulling the locks with force, trying to find another pain to numb the one in my chest.But it didnt matter what I did, the anguish was there, throbbing, not letting me forget what Edward had done, and what I had done in consequence.It took me 35 minutes, and a lot of screaming, roaring and cursing, to finally get to my neighborhood. It was two-forty in the morning and I was not only tired and angry, but also impatient. It didnt escape me the fucked similarity between the past and present, how things were kinda repeating themselves in an ironic bad taste joke. If there was such thing as fate, it was playing with me pretty cruelly.Five more blocks... I murmured to myself and immediately recognized the repetition in my action, but this time my destination was different. Or so I thought.I wasnt going to Edwards house, I was going to my own. But as soon as white fences came into sight ten meters from me I shivered, and I was sure it wasnt due to the cold breeze.As I passed in front of the so well known house, I glanced at his window, even though I was berating myself for that. The lights were off. I stopped.What the hell are you doing? I admonish myself, but I never resumed walking. He wasnt home. I remembered Alice saying Emmet had gone camping with Edward. It bothered me to think he was camping with someone else other than me, even if this other were the big guy. It also bothered me that he went on a trip soon after we stopped being friends. I was still angry and resentful but, it didnt change the fact that I had feelings for him and was still jealous of anyone who could be around him when I couldnt.Although, seriously, who was I at that moment to even think of being annoyed by Edwards actions? I had no right. I shook and bowed my head as I
felt my stomach constrict. I tried not to think too much about what I had done. Instead, I thought with some satisfaction that Mr. and Mrs. C were sleeping by that time. So I thought it wouldnt hurt anybody if I went in the house to take my bike.I couldnt admit, but truthfully I just wanted to go in and feel somehow connected to Edward one last time, before I could move on. Kinda sick, huh?I took a deep breath, took the hidden spare key, opened the gate and went straight to the garage, walking silently and fast to its outer door. I couldnt hear anything coming from inside the house, and all the lights were off, so I felt safe enough to take my bike and head away. But of course it wouldnt be so easy.I blinked my eyes repeatedly as the lights went on.What are you doing back here? His voice was hoarse and low, but made me jump anyway. I thought you were... Had left with Alice. Obviously I noticed his last minute correction and understood perfectly what he was thinking.I turned swiftly, ready to make a snide comment, my face in a frown. But just until I saw him.Edwards eyes were puffy and really red. He had small pink dots all over his cheeks and his nose tip was blushed. He had cried. And not just a little.My stomach fluttered. Had I hurt him that bad? I didnt know that I had such power. And I didnt know whether I felt avenged or guilty, either.I came back just for my bike. I answered him, my tone much softer than I firstly intended. Well, you have it. He sounded angry. So take it and leave.His tone, the so unusual way he spoke to me and what he said, his sharp words, reignited my resentment.Thats what I was doing. I replied harshly.Good. He spat back at me. So go.I wanted to, but something was holding me. I couldnt move.Once more we stared at each other. Angrily, impatiently. And I think Id have stayed there longer, locked in Edwards gloomy eyes. But then he averted my gaze and sighed, pain written all over his face.Please, just...his voice faltering. ...Leave.I saw the tear. I saw it perfectly when it rolled from his left eye. But I chose to ignore it and did what he told me to.So I left without another word. I hopped up on my bike and rode outta there as fast as I could. And while I was doing it, I decided to hold my ground, to maintain my indifferent posture, to be away from him once and for all. It was better this way. After all, he would never feel for me what I was feeling for him... Whatever It was. It was all useless, anyway. We were better off without each other.At that point I was believing I could never be his friend anymore. Not just because he was into my sister, and I simply didn't have the strength to see them together, but also because realizing
he would never feel the same way for me hurt too much. And the thing was... In the end, we could never be together anyway. Even if he felt for me what I was feeling for him, my family, my father, would never understand, much less accept. So there wasn't another option for me besides forgetting him. I had to. And near him I could never do that.I pedaled harder, faster. I pedaled standing, pushing my legs muscles and my speed to their limits because I wanted to get home quickly. I wanted to sleep and forget all of it. I wanted that day and all that shit that went on in it to be over.Soon I arrived at my front yard, but I didnt halt. I dropped the bike anyway on the grass and walked calmly to the porch.Suddenly I felt numb. I was weirdly calm, almost placid, as if I had taken a sedative or something. I went through the motions, like nothing was happening, as if it was a regular night after an ordinary day. As if I hadn't ended an eighteen-year long friendship. As if I hadn't just lost the most important person of my life.I was expecting some pain. It would be natural of me to be sad at that point. It would be perfectly understandable if I rued a little.But there was simply nothing there. I was... Empty.I opened the door. I walked in. Somebody came to see who was entering, I think it was my mother, but I didnt acknowledge her. I climbed the stairs slowly, tiredly. I wasnt thinking... I was just moving... I couldnt notice anything around me.I started taking off my clothes while I was getting into my room, letting them fall on the floor. I got into my bathroom, I stepped into the shower stall, I looked blankly at the shower knob for a long time.At some point I turned on the shower and cleaned. I washed my hair, I stood under the water spray for some minutes with my eyes closed.The darkness was comfortable. Grey specks... Crystal light blue orbs... Glistening diamond tears...I opened my eyes.I sighed feeling cold. Not physically cold... Cold inside. I shook my head and turned off the shower. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around my hips, I stepped out of the stall. I went back into my bedroom with my mind completely blank.I looked around. Something was so wrong, but I didnt know what it was... The room felt strangely inhospitable. It was missing something... Or maybe it was just me. I felt hollow... I felt anaesthetized.I sighed forcefully, uncomfortable with the weird sensation of numbness blended with emptiness.I walked almost automatically to my closet, opening the louvered doors and entering without really paying attention to what I was doing. I pulled the first sleep pants I could find from the bottom shelf. I discarded the towel on the floor and put the pants on, raising my arm to the top shelf right after, to pick up a shirt. It was unusual of
me to sleep with one, but I was still feeling the weird cold sensation inside me... And even though I suspected the shirt wouldnt solve the problem, it wouldnt hurt to try.As I grabbed a shirt and pulled it to me, something fell from above, hitting my right shoulder lightly before reaching the carpet.I looked at it absently, not really intending to pick up whatever had fallen.But then the brown and red colors, and the bear paw on the side, raised and held my attention. I couldnt ignore the simple, but also so significative, object.I bent down, immediately feeling something bubbling in my chest. I grabbed the cap slowly, trying hard not to think about the moment it was given to me, or about the person who gave it to me.But it was useless... I could never avoid such thing.I exhaled heavily, feeling my throat constrict. My chest suddenly tightened. I couldnt breathe.I sat on the carpeted floor, clasping the cap. I couldnt avert my eyes from the damn thing, even though I was trying pretty hard to. You're a Bear now. I could practically hear his voice, the joy and pride so clear in his tone. Who couldve known that my skinny shy best friend would become a brilliant basketball college player... I closed my eyes tight. I squeezed the cap in my hands even tighter...And then my mind was flooded by a hundred memories...I could see us clearly, laying on the green grass below the Oak tree at his mothers garden... I could hear our loud laughs mingling in the wind, filling the air and the space around us, isolating us from everything else. I could picture us at the lake, swimming together to one of the big rocks in the middle of the water, spending a whole bunch of time just enjoying a comfortable silence while sitting side by side. Wed always spent hours in our Jay-E bubble, the world outside of it forgotten... It was just him and me at those times.I remembered how his eyes would get bluer, hiding the gray shades, every time we were doing something he liked, like tracking through the woods to the lake, or racing to the pool, or planning a party to gather our gang... I could perfectly picture his eyes getting grayer instead, when he was worried, really concentrated, focused, or when he looked at something he really wanted. I could recall how his deep voice would get stronger whenever he was advising me, talking me into something he thought I should do, and the few times he subtly reprimanded me... I could hear it getting softer whenever he was trying to comfort me or when he was giving his opinion about something I shared with him...And I could, finally, recognize the way each and every one of these things made me feel... It had always been strong.I could also realize perfectly... His gestures, his affection, his care for me... The way he was always so protective of me, and it was... It was like he wanted to spare me,