Above All Else... Take Care Of Your Mental Health
Tags: programming, mentor, mentalhealth, growth
Published: 2022-09-10 19:51:50

It can feel like drowning. Like there's no air.

A couple years ago I was sitting in a meeting a couple fellow developers and a product owner. I was there because my time and experience it was thought would give valuable feedback to an upcoming project. At one point I was asked a question by the product owner and as I started to answer I began to feel like my heart was pounding and racing in my chest. I got short of breathe and had to actually ask to be excused about mid-sentence. 

I had no idea what was going on but my heartrate had climbed to over 160 bpm at a sit still. I was sweating and panicked. I went outside and began walking around our companies property. One lap is a little less than half a mile or so.

I did 7 laps.

My heart was still going pretty quick at the end of this so I thought I may want to call a doctor and see if I should come in. I called my main physician and they said they actually had an opening right then to come in so I left work and went to the doctors office. 

I waited a short amount of time and was called back. They took my pulse and it was still over 160bpm and my blood pressure was skyrocket high. They decided to hook me up to an EKG machine. The doctor came in and looked at the readings on the paper and got a concerned look on her face. She decided to run it again. The second time she got the same look of concern and walked out of the room. She came back in a few minutes later and said, "Mr. Hopkins I'd like you to lay down and take this pill. I've already called an ambulance. We think you could have a blockage in your heart."

I was 40 years old. Way too young for something like this to be happening. 

I called my wife quick before the ambulance got there and said to her something that felt surreal to say... "they think I'm having a heart attack". She was understandably concerned but had to run around and pick up kids and figure out how she was going to get them all watched and taken care of before coming to the hospital with me.

The ambulance arrived and they strapped me to a gurney like I was about to compete in a nascar race. They loaded me up and away we went. 

The first indication that it may not be as bad as I thought was that the ambulance was not speeding. There were no lights on. They were just driving me to a hospital. The EMT that was tending to me seemed like he'd seen this a thousand times and knew what it was, though he really didn't say much. But his demeanor did calm me greatly in what was one of the scariest moments of life up until that point. 

We arrived at the hospital and they wheeled me to a room and the doctors and nurses began running all sorts of tests and hooking me up to monitors. At one point I had a real emotional release because of the panic and dread that had come over me at the thought of having a heart attack... what if I died? What if my kids grew up with out a dad? What if my wife had to go on without me? What was going to happen to me?

But it wasn't a heart attack. Every test they ran came back normal and the only real concern they had, if you could even call it that, was for my blood pressure which was very high. So what was it?

It was a massive panic attack.

I'd been having a lot of signs and symptoms of anxiety leading up this and I'd struggled with depression for years. Shortly before this I had torn my ACL and had to get surgery and it just made me feel old. I have six kids, a wife, a house, two dogs, bills, taxes, etc. My job had been very stressful for a long time. For years I didn't actually enjoy being a software engineer. I wanted to be a professionl touring musician... For real. I write music and I don't think it's half bad. Here's an [example](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nwYLkTL2Rg). You can also find me on spotify. But I digress...

So for years, I hadn't tended to my mental health. I'd let it go thinking I can just muscle through the depression and anxiety. I wasn't really eating well, exercising much, or doing any sort of mindfulness practices. Stress built on top of stress. Things shifted at my job that actually caused me to enjoy being a developer more than I ever had, however it also meant more responsibility and more eyes on me... at least in my head it did. In reality, the pressure was all self imposed because of past struggles with imposter syndrome. I didn't want to look like I didn't know what I was talking about. I didn't want everyone to find out how much of a phony I was. So says the voice in my head.

Not sure if you've been there, but all this kept building until that day in the meeting room where I was asked one simple question and suddenly I felt like I was drowning and couldn't breath. 

The point of this whole post is this. Above all else, as a software engineer or any other profession really... take care of your mental health. 

Failing to take notice of the warning signs of anxiety and depression, or not taking them seriously will get you right where I was. Burnt out, dreading getting out of bed in the morning, feeling like you are literally dying, stressed out at the most minor of things, and treating those you love with less patience, compassion, and empathy. 

If you feel these things happening to you, please reach out to a friend, to a counselor, your employer, or even to me. I'll listen. Especially you men out there. It's hard for us to talk about what is going on inside of us. I get it. You don't want to appear weak. Well, you can talk about it in private conversation with someone, or you can have a public melt down... Which would you rather?

There were a few key factors in my recovery. First off, my family is amazing and supportive. Secondly, the company I work, at least for me at that time, was great at recognizing that I needed a little time and space and they gave it to me. They allowed me a little more grace in sick days and needing to take some mental health time. They were very understanding and I fully realize that not everyone has that situation. I would challenge you that if you work for a company that doesn't have that type of concern for it's employees that you find another place to work that does. Especially in the realm of software development at this time there are plenty of companies looking for software engineers. 

The final key in my recovery was looking out for my own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I changed my diet and started eating better. I started to practice meditation. I began exercising regularly. Nothing crazy really. I work out doing body weight exercises 4-5 times a week for roughly 20-30 minutes. I also try to get outside for walks and doing yard work. For a while after the ambulance ride I was having panic attacks on the regular so I did end up going on a medication called lexapro. I had put sort of a major stigma on using medication up until this point, but when I couldn't seem to get it under control and realized I needed help, I talked to my doctor and this was suggested. I can't tell you how much better I felt after a month of taking lexapro. It was like I had come out of a 10 year fog. I was calmer, less depressed and less anxious. I'm not suggesting everyone should go on meds, but it sure helped me get over the hump. I still take it today and think often about weaning myself off, but haven't yet. I'm not in a rush.

Now that my mental health is at least in a more stable place, it has renewed my desire to be the best I can be in every area of life. As a father, husband, friend, co-worker, mentor, neighbor, software engineer, etc.

I still have struggles and I'm not saying all of life is perfect... but for the love of self, above all else, take care of your mental health.