Kind of reaching an existential crisis here and can use some help on where I go from here. . .
Tags: beginners, career, community, motivation
Published: 2022-12-28 17:15:34

I want to keep this as succinct as possible and keep details scant to make this readable and to keep a degree of anonymity.

But I'm warning you? This is likely going to be long and it's probably going to offend some people. If you identify as a nerd and have your identity tied to gaming or escapism? Please just ignore this and click off. . .Nothing good is going to come from you being here. 

**_I guess I should start with what motivates me : I want to drive a Lamborghini, I want to party with other good looking and/or fun people and I want to leave that lifestyle behind and marry a woman who is an intellectual yet good looking like my dermatologist. For that, I need money and to get to a higher station in life. 
_**

**_Please do not preach to me about how money and looks aren't everything or some other platitude. Assume that I'm a big boy and have my reasons and am capable of making decisions for myself_**


My motivations like most successful people are driven by trauma which has given me a degree of misanthropy.

I graduated from University with no friends cheering me on to walk the stage. It's not like I didn't TRY to make friends or I wasn't outgoing or social. It's just that the circumstances aligned to make sure I would never ever become close to anyone on campus.

 I didn't dorm, I was older than most of the other students, I kept people at arms length because of the constant betrayal and hurt and then there were the "status" games everyone played. Nobody came out to where I invited them, they'd always flake or ask "whose going?" The few friends I could make, I pushed away. And my friends left me isolated when I needed to be around them. 

End of the day I left with A Computer Science degree and fell into a depression and sought Therapy because I didn't want to kill myself. . .And man. . . My mind cooked up some CREATIVE. And SEDUCTIVELY SADISTIC suicide methods. . .

Ever look at the snow outside and think : "Man. . . I wonder how long I'd have to go outside and sit out there for to die of hypothermia and just finally have peace?" or when you're driving you wonder what angle you'd have to swerve in the opposite direction of traffic for an optimal chance at this person you're about to hit killing you? If the answer is yes, seek therapy as that's EXACTLY what I did. 

Most of this year I spent reading and doing art. . .But, ah. . .Remember those betrayals I told you about earlier? Nerds. Fucking Nerds. Constant and always the same type of people pulling the SAME type of shit. . . And the only one who has ever changed is me.

If I didn't like them before? This year I've spent doing art with constantly being exposed to the internet? Made me utterly despise and hate them. It didn't help that when I joined the fucking developer discord, one nerd that I blocked RELENTLESSLY trolled and harassed me, made a pseudo-apology which was just a justification for his actions : "Oh the way you present is why I said all of these things." 

Did he stop after the apology? No. Did he just look for some other reason to talk shit? Talk about how I read books when he claims that cars and women are my personality? "OH LOOK AT THIS GALAXY BRAINED LOSER." 

Talk about how I go to the gym : "OH LOOK AT THIS GYM BRO." 

Did the mods deal with this guy? No, they mostly just ignore him and then they muted me for pushing back.

Dude tries the apology again, and when I don't fall for his bullshit? He ALWAYS has some stupid rude or crude bullshit to say and the mods don't do ANYTHING until somebody talks back to him.

Now I know what you're thinking : "So one guy says a few mean words and you hate all nerds." 

It's not just one guy. It's never just one guy. It's not just the "mean things" and its also said mean things in conjunction with the mods ALWAYS REFUSING to do ANYTHING about him even if his shit is in a CLEAR violation of the goddamn rules.

Case and point : The Blender Discord has a couple of do-nothing trolls. When you try to get the mods involved, they throw a tantrum and say "I'm done." when you bring up how the dude is blatantly violating rule #1. 

Another Blender Discord basically kicked me out because some dude in the AI section insulted me out of NOWHERE and I decided to push back tastefully. Woke up the next day kicked out of that discord. 

It's a constant deluge of insecure scumbags who always have something to say. . . Some spineless geeks in the mod position who have about as much executive disciplinary functioning as a middle school teacher. I don't even care what their motivations are anymore, I'm just sick of them and these 'people' are everywhere!

Reddit, discord ,twitter. 

I'm basically Aquaman who is getting mocked by the Superfriends every day and I fucking had ENOUGH.

So naturally, I stepped away from art because this 'break' wasn't giving me the answer I was looking for. 

But I was studying in preparation for a web development job and I realized something: I don't know if I can fucking do this.

That weird nerdy guy from earlier works in the industry. Those spineless middle school teacher mods also work in the industry. I have entrepreneurial ambitions, but I don't know if I can take an environment like this.

Unlike these people, I have a spine and know how to stand up for myself. But if discord is any kind of hint : Basically even if somebody says a littany of shit things to my face, they will label ME as the asshole for "rocking the boat" and then there are my ambitions. . .The whole reason that geek tried to be a bully wannabe was that I wrote in my discord description that I liked fast cars and women. His justification was that I made that my personality and was "autistic" because of the way I presented. 

Truth is : What I typed in my description made him angry somehow and he decided to be a bully. Given how he will drop how there are no ethical billionaires or go on rants about Elon Musk (scumbag) when nobody asked, I think it's clear why he's being a douchebag.

One douchebag I can handle, but a hundred douchebags and their enablers who get mad if I don't respond to insults and barbs like the Dalai Llama? 

I didn't start working out and fix my social skills and the uglier parts of myself just to get bullied by a bunch of fucking nerds as an adult. 

This rumination came up to me while I was studying for my first job. 

And I'm kind of at a loss here. . . .I feel utterly deflated when it comes to code. I can't trust the community because there is always vitriol and apathy / enabling of said vitriol and then I have to put up with ALL of the shit social skills of everyone else, but if I even so much as step "left"? I'm the bad guy.

Maybe I shouldn't have found a good therapist and just offed myself, when I was still in that mental state at least I'd know peace.