Why I go by "The Lotus Engineer"
Tags: writing, motivation, watercooler
Published: 2022-09-03 22:03:23

### My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day(s)

After 16 months of chronic pain in my lower body, losing nearly 4 stone over a year and being completely isolated at home to avoid the embarrassment of dealing with the pain publicly I was near rock bottom, that's when the vomiting started.

Being type 1 diabetic and not even holding water down for 20 hours I had to get to the hospital quick, my lovely partner Latifah rushed me there and waited outside (covid restrictions still being quite tight) and I was hooked up to IVs and floated around the hospital a couple of days before finding a ward due to the burden on the NHS.

![Self portrait](https://dev-to-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/articles/a09m6i4pkx6fyubhu61r.jpg)

As you can see I was in a state and I went on vomiting for the next 8 days, multiple IVs in both arms, having my finger pin pricked to check my blood sugar every hour and getting absolutely no sleep with patients screaming all over the ward. 

I was so fortunate to have my partner in every day trying to soothe me, making it bearable.

![Ryan & Latifah](https://dev-to-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/articles/3jgxc27hjxvdpbg3b5vo.jpg)

Once I was holding meals down again doctors were happy to discharge me, still not entirely sure how this had happened.

I went to go for a shower before I left terrified that nothing had even come of this.

### Finding some hope

Now I am absolutely no stranger to hard times, I've dealt with homelessness as a teenager, abuse, drug addiction, insomnia and deep clinical depression in my early 20's but the place I'd been put into by the pain, sleep deprivation and isolation was the lowest I'd ever felt.

I shuffled an old playlist I'd held onto over the years with songs that'd helped me in these previous forks in the road and that's when Lotus by Cage the elephant came on.

{% embed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTg-Y24emR4 %}

Now I'm certainly not the first person to find motivation in music nor was this my first time finding it in this song. The lyrics of the song have long since stuck with me, I encourage a listen.

Heading back from the hospital I'd decided this was a new chapter for me, the song played in my head.

> The lotus flower's
Got me thinking 'bout the way that we live
I got this feeling
It's gonna stop 

I knew the life I'd been living and forcing those around me to live was no life at all, Before the pain I'd been bright and filled a room with presence and looking at myself now I barely recognised that.

### The re-brand

When I arrived home I bounced into my office to see my partner with an energy she hadn't recognised in me for a long time and I felt it. 

![Lotus Flower](https://dev-to-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/articles/7f1dk0zwznar5we6jg8x.png)

The ride home I'd been reading all about the lotus flower, in several cultures and in Buddhist traditions it's seen as a symbol of strength, resilience, and rebirth since they return to the murky water each evening and open their blooms at the day break.

I'd long been meaning to re-brand from "FirstStepsJS", it was hard to remember and originally I'd planned to document my "First steps into JS" but never did so it didn't make much sense anymore.

There were a thousand ways I could tie the Lotus back to my personal identity and brand including:

1. In my career I've often been responsible for taking legacy projects and overhauling them into new frameworks & languages. (Rebirth)

2. My ethos in programming is native first approaches and the lotus root grows deep and blooms high.

3. The colours & the palette I extracted from them are very feminine like me.

4. Lotus grow in murky conditions and bloom petal by petal reflecting the resilience I'm known for and my iterative approach to my work.

I could go on and on.

### Where are we now?

Bad news first, I've been in a few more times since for same thing but we're on the way to a diagnosis and the trips are getting shorter. Fingers crossed I'm not back in again.

Overall this has a happy ending, I have a new lease on life my whole family can see, I'm a lot healthier, a haircut, a shave and back with my family.

My website and logo (thanks to a talented designer) are inspired by the lotus flower, my website is up at [www.lotus-engineer.com](www.lotus-engineer.com) & [ryanburke.io](https://ryanburke.io), I have a lotus tattoo booked for my arm and I'm writing more than I ever have before.

Here's to finding the light in the darkness!

![Ryan](https://dev-to-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/articles/jah5a1u9xr4d87u5cddz.png) 

![Bailey](https://dev-to-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/articles/l5who199o5p2qnvrxhtt.gif)

![Family](https://dev-to-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/articles/3yskracv7r7xo07ao27v.jpg)