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w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih7gstg

ih693a7

I see you posted 5h ago so this might be too late, but the absolute worst thing you can do is go in there with this attitude. If the thesis is really truly that terrible you should never have submitted it. However, more likely it's fine and you're having a wobble. But if you go in there and create the impression you think it's shit and has no merit then you're going to undermine their confidence in the work and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you expect them to believe in something you don't? How can you expect them to place any value in something you aren't willing to stand by? You chose to submit this work so you have to own it and defend it now. That's a fundamental part of being an academic and if you aren't willing to defend your work, your career options become limited to roles that require no skill, expertise or intellectual input. Lastly, people who love and value you won't judge you for failing at something but only if you truly gave it your best shot. You will never earn people's respect being defeatist and negative and deciding you've failed before you even gave it a go. So if you go in and give it your all, you will be respected and people will be sympathetic. If you think it's better to declare it's a failure so you don't risk trying and then failing, no one will respect you.

good luck!!!!! please have hope and remember that failing is part of our journey. do your best as there’s nothing else that could be done today. you never know how things might turn out as you’re just nervous..

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6tfo8

ih7gstg

Best of luck!! Please update us :) Rooting for you from Spain!

I see you posted 5h ago so this might be too late, but the absolute worst thing you can do is go in there with this attitude. If the thesis is really truly that terrible you should never have submitted it. However, more likely it's fine and you're having a wobble. But if you go in there and create the impression you think it's shit and has no merit then you're going to undermine their confidence in the work and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you expect them to believe in something you don't? How can you expect them to place any value in something you aren't willing to stand by? You chose to submit this work so you have to own it and defend it now. That's a fundamental part of being an academic and if you aren't willing to defend your work, your career options become limited to roles that require no skill, expertise or intellectual input. Lastly, people who love and value you won't judge you for failing at something but only if you truly gave it your best shot. You will never earn people's respect being defeatist and negative and deciding you've failed before you even gave it a go. So if you go in and give it your all, you will be respected and people will be sympathetic. If you think it's better to declare it's a failure so you don't risk trying and then failing, no one will respect you.

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6z7r6

ih7gstg

I felt the same way going into my diss defense - many things in the dissertation really needed more work. However, as others have noted, your dissertation advisor wouldn’t allow you to defend if you weren’t ready. Consider the dissertation and defense an entry point into what you are studying, not as the end goal. Good luck!!!

I see you posted 5h ago so this might be too late, but the absolute worst thing you can do is go in there with this attitude. If the thesis is really truly that terrible you should never have submitted it. However, more likely it's fine and you're having a wobble. But if you go in there and create the impression you think it's shit and has no merit then you're going to undermine their confidence in the work and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you expect them to believe in something you don't? How can you expect them to place any value in something you aren't willing to stand by? You chose to submit this work so you have to own it and defend it now. That's a fundamental part of being an academic and if you aren't willing to defend your work, your career options become limited to roles that require no skill, expertise or intellectual input. Lastly, people who love and value you won't judge you for failing at something but only if you truly gave it your best shot. You will never earn people's respect being defeatist and negative and deciding you've failed before you even gave it a go. So if you go in and give it your all, you will be respected and people will be sympathetic. If you think it's better to declare it's a failure so you don't risk trying and then failing, no one will respect you.

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih7gstg

ih79u11

I see you posted 5h ago so this might be too late, but the absolute worst thing you can do is go in there with this attitude. If the thesis is really truly that terrible you should never have submitted it. However, more likely it's fine and you're having a wobble. But if you go in there and create the impression you think it's shit and has no merit then you're going to undermine their confidence in the work and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you expect them to believe in something you don't? How can you expect them to place any value in something you aren't willing to stand by? You chose to submit this work so you have to own it and defend it now. That's a fundamental part of being an academic and if you aren't willing to defend your work, your career options become limited to roles that require no skill, expertise or intellectual input. Lastly, people who love and value you won't judge you for failing at something but only if you truly gave it your best shot. You will never earn people's respect being defeatist and negative and deciding you've failed before you even gave it a go. So if you go in and give it your all, you will be respected and people will be sympathetic. If you think it's better to declare it's a failure so you don't risk trying and then failing, no one will respect you.

So did you pass? Let us know!

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih698b0

ih7gstg

All the best

I see you posted 5h ago so this might be too late, but the absolute worst thing you can do is go in there with this attitude. If the thesis is really truly that terrible you should never have submitted it. However, more likely it's fine and you're having a wobble. But if you go in there and create the impression you think it's shit and has no merit then you're going to undermine their confidence in the work and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you expect them to believe in something you don't? How can you expect them to place any value in something you aren't willing to stand by? You chose to submit this work so you have to own it and defend it now. That's a fundamental part of being an academic and if you aren't willing to defend your work, your career options become limited to roles that require no skill, expertise or intellectual input. Lastly, people who love and value you won't judge you for failing at something but only if you truly gave it your best shot. You will never earn people's respect being defeatist and negative and deciding you've failed before you even gave it a go. So if you go in and give it your all, you will be respected and people will be sympathetic. If you think it's better to declare it's a failure so you don't risk trying and then failing, no one will respect you.

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6blf1

ih7gstg

You'll be highly valued in many industries beyond your current subject. Good luck with the defense and I hope it's a relief to have it finished.

I see you posted 5h ago so this might be too late, but the absolute worst thing you can do is go in there with this attitude. If the thesis is really truly that terrible you should never have submitted it. However, more likely it's fine and you're having a wobble. But if you go in there and create the impression you think it's shit and has no merit then you're going to undermine their confidence in the work and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you expect them to believe in something you don't? How can you expect them to place any value in something you aren't willing to stand by? You chose to submit this work so you have to own it and defend it now. That's a fundamental part of being an academic and if you aren't willing to defend your work, your career options become limited to roles that require no skill, expertise or intellectual input. Lastly, people who love and value you won't judge you for failing at something but only if you truly gave it your best shot. You will never earn people's respect being defeatist and negative and deciding you've failed before you even gave it a go. So if you go in and give it your all, you will be respected and people will be sympathetic. If you think it's better to declare it's a failure so you don't risk trying and then failing, no one will respect you.

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih7gstg

ih6kbaf

I see you posted 5h ago so this might be too late, but the absolute worst thing you can do is go in there with this attitude. If the thesis is really truly that terrible you should never have submitted it. However, more likely it's fine and you're having a wobble. But if you go in there and create the impression you think it's shit and has no merit then you're going to undermine their confidence in the work and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you expect them to believe in something you don't? How can you expect them to place any value in something you aren't willing to stand by? You chose to submit this work so you have to own it and defend it now. That's a fundamental part of being an academic and if you aren't willing to defend your work, your career options become limited to roles that require no skill, expertise or intellectual input. Lastly, people who love and value you won't judge you for failing at something but only if you truly gave it your best shot. You will never earn people's respect being defeatist and negative and deciding you've failed before you even gave it a go. So if you go in and give it your all, you will be respected and people will be sympathetic. If you think it's better to declare it's a failure so you don't risk trying and then failing, no one will respect you.

Good luck

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6tfo8

ih698b0

Best of luck!! Please update us :) Rooting for you from Spain!

All the best

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6tfo8

ih6blf1

Best of luck!! Please update us :) Rooting for you from Spain!

You'll be highly valued in many industries beyond your current subject. Good luck with the defense and I hope it's a relief to have it finished.

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6kbaf

ih6tfo8

Good luck

Best of luck!! Please update us :) Rooting for you from Spain!

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6z7r6

ih698b0

I felt the same way going into my diss defense - many things in the dissertation really needed more work. However, as others have noted, your dissertation advisor wouldn’t allow you to defend if you weren’t ready. Consider the dissertation and defense an entry point into what you are studying, not as the end goal. Good luck!!!

All the best

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6blf1

ih6z7r6

You'll be highly valued in many industries beyond your current subject. Good luck with the defense and I hope it's a relief to have it finished.

I felt the same way going into my diss defense - many things in the dissertation really needed more work. However, as others have noted, your dissertation advisor wouldn’t allow you to defend if you weren’t ready. Consider the dissertation and defense an entry point into what you are studying, not as the end goal. Good luck!!!

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6z7r6

ih6kbaf

I felt the same way going into my diss defense - many things in the dissertation really needed more work. However, as others have noted, your dissertation advisor wouldn’t allow you to defend if you weren’t ready. Consider the dissertation and defense an entry point into what you are studying, not as the end goal. Good luck!!!

Good luck

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih698b0

ih79u11

All the best

So did you pass? Let us know!

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih79u11

ih6blf1

So did you pass? Let us know!

You'll be highly valued in many industries beyond your current subject. Good luck with the defense and I hope it's a relief to have it finished.

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih79u11

ih6kbaf

So did you pass? Let us know!

Good luck

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih8ui54

ih698b0

Imposter syndrome is a tough thing to beat. Congratulations - you earned it. Don’t be so tough on yourself next time :)

All the best

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6blf1

ih8ui54

You'll be highly valued in many industries beyond your current subject. Good luck with the defense and I hope it's a relief to have it finished.

Imposter syndrome is a tough thing to beat. Congratulations - you earned it. Don’t be so tough on yourself next time :)

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6kbaf

ih8ui54

Good luck

Imposter syndrome is a tough thing to beat. Congratulations - you earned it. Don’t be so tough on yourself next time :)

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih98e6y

ih698b0

Congratulations! From my experience, when we are asked to judge a dissertation, it definitely helps if the data are good. On the other hand, no a single member of your committee hasn't had a project fail, or fail to replicate, or produce findings opposite of the hypotheses. Anyone with any sense of the history of science recognizes that even the most heralded, most esteemed of scientists has been proven wrong at some point. Newton? what an idiot. Einstein? sooo wrong. So what? What matters in a dissertation defense is to evaluate the candidate's preparation to go off and be wrong in interesting ways that will advance the field. Go off, make mistakes, get dirty, have fun!!

All the best

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6blf1

ih98e6y

You'll be highly valued in many industries beyond your current subject. Good luck with the defense and I hope it's a relief to have it finished.

Congratulations! From my experience, when we are asked to judge a dissertation, it definitely helps if the data are good. On the other hand, no a single member of your committee hasn't had a project fail, or fail to replicate, or produce findings opposite of the hypotheses. Anyone with any sense of the history of science recognizes that even the most heralded, most esteemed of scientists has been proven wrong at some point. Newton? what an idiot. Einstein? sooo wrong. So what? What matters in a dissertation defense is to evaluate the candidate's preparation to go off and be wrong in interesting ways that will advance the field. Go off, make mistakes, get dirty, have fun!!

w57eop

askacademia_train

PhD defense in a few hours Just getting this off my chest. I'll defend in a few hours and genuinely think there is a big probability that I will fail. My thesis is an embarrassment to myself, my PI, and the field. Data is limited, analysis is very simple, conclusions are unclear. I could train a master student and the whole data collection could be completed in 2 months. The analysis approach is like the ones done in the 70s or 80s, product of a bygone era. I don't belong on the modern, cutting edge area of science. I have made peace (slightly) that it's ok if I fail. I will go back to my home country this weekend (will be expensive but I don't care anymore), leave science forever (imagine wanting to understand the brain lol, what a nerd), and start my life anew. I just don't want my family and closest friends see me differently if I fail.

ih6kbaf

ih98e6y

Good luck

Congratulations! From my experience, when we are asked to judge a dissertation, it definitely helps if the data are good. On the other hand, no a single member of your committee hasn't had a project fail, or fail to replicate, or produce findings opposite of the hypotheses. Anyone with any sense of the history of science recognizes that even the most heralded, most esteemed of scientists has been proven wrong at some point. Newton? what an idiot. Einstein? sooo wrong. So what? What matters in a dissertation defense is to evaluate the candidate's preparation to go off and be wrong in interesting ways that will advance the field. Go off, make mistakes, get dirty, have fun!!

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6sxmx

hv6isrq

I just had a major surgery and the medication they give to ensure you don’t form memories is fat soluble. So I’m a week out and still wouldn’t be able to give an undergrad mechanics lecture, let alone explain my research. So I guess what I’m saying is go get an organ removed. Or at least take the drugs.

Get *really* into D&D and become a DM. That way, you'll have a hard time thinking about academia because you'll be too busy world building and annoying people with all the "cool lore" that means nothing to anyone but you, not even your players. Or, ya know, other hobbies. I guess.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6nbt0

hv6sxmx

I find it hard to turn off my academic side. My SO finds it difficult to turn off his sales side. We both listen to each other and learn new things all the time. I have figured out that if someone doesn't want to listen and invest their time in what you're passionate about, they are not worth it.

I just had a major surgery and the medication they give to ensure you don’t form memories is fat soluble. So I’m a week out and still wouldn’t be able to give an undergrad mechanics lecture, let alone explain my research. So I guess what I’m saying is go get an organ removed. Or at least take the drugs.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6sxmx

hv6oa7g

I just had a major surgery and the medication they give to ensure you don’t form memories is fat soluble. So I’m a week out and still wouldn’t be able to give an undergrad mechanics lecture, let alone explain my research. So I guess what I’m saying is go get an organ removed. Or at least take the drugs.

I often tell myself after a conversation "you didn't need to explain it like that". I still laugh about it though.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6sxmx

hv6ppqx

I just had a major surgery and the medication they give to ensure you don’t form memories is fat soluble. So I’m a week out and still wouldn’t be able to give an undergrad mechanics lecture, let alone explain my research. So I guess what I’m saying is go get an organ removed. Or at least take the drugs.

This might be a bit of a faux pas but... w\*\*d helps

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6isrq

hv6uu0q

Get *really* into D&D and become a DM. That way, you'll have a hard time thinking about academia because you'll be too busy world building and annoying people with all the "cool lore" that means nothing to anyone but you, not even your players. Or, ya know, other hobbies. I guess.

This is the struggle of an academic. I very regularly cannot sleep at night because I thought of a new study idea or that perfect opening sentence for my grant. I have a few tidbits of advice that have worked for me. 1. Keep a notebook with you at all times and when you have that idea write it down immediately or as soon as convenient. 2. Read for fun. I know this sounds silly, but it is so helpful for me to do some reading that isn’t on the subject I study or even better isn’t science at all. 3. Set and try to maintain specific boundaries on time. It’s important to have time dedicated to you, your partner, your friends, your family etc. 4. And in my experience most helpful, avoid talking about your academic pursuits. Keep it super short, unless the other person is super engaged in the conversation.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6nbt0

hv6uu0q

I find it hard to turn off my academic side. My SO finds it difficult to turn off his sales side. We both listen to each other and learn new things all the time. I have figured out that if someone doesn't want to listen and invest their time in what you're passionate about, they are not worth it.

This is the struggle of an academic. I very regularly cannot sleep at night because I thought of a new study idea or that perfect opening sentence for my grant. I have a few tidbits of advice that have worked for me. 1. Keep a notebook with you at all times and when you have that idea write it down immediately or as soon as convenient. 2. Read for fun. I know this sounds silly, but it is so helpful for me to do some reading that isn’t on the subject I study or even better isn’t science at all. 3. Set and try to maintain specific boundaries on time. It’s important to have time dedicated to you, your partner, your friends, your family etc. 4. And in my experience most helpful, avoid talking about your academic pursuits. Keep it super short, unless the other person is super engaged in the conversation.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6oa7g

hv6uu0q

I often tell myself after a conversation "you didn't need to explain it like that". I still laugh about it though.

This is the struggle of an academic. I very regularly cannot sleep at night because I thought of a new study idea or that perfect opening sentence for my grant. I have a few tidbits of advice that have worked for me. 1. Keep a notebook with you at all times and when you have that idea write it down immediately or as soon as convenient. 2. Read for fun. I know this sounds silly, but it is so helpful for me to do some reading that isn’t on the subject I study or even better isn’t science at all. 3. Set and try to maintain specific boundaries on time. It’s important to have time dedicated to you, your partner, your friends, your family etc. 4. And in my experience most helpful, avoid talking about your academic pursuits. Keep it super short, unless the other person is super engaged in the conversation.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6uu0q

hv6ppqx

This is the struggle of an academic. I very regularly cannot sleep at night because I thought of a new study idea or that perfect opening sentence for my grant. I have a few tidbits of advice that have worked for me. 1. Keep a notebook with you at all times and when you have that idea write it down immediately or as soon as convenient. 2. Read for fun. I know this sounds silly, but it is so helpful for me to do some reading that isn’t on the subject I study or even better isn’t science at all. 3. Set and try to maintain specific boundaries on time. It’s important to have time dedicated to you, your partner, your friends, your family etc. 4. And in my experience most helpful, avoid talking about your academic pursuits. Keep it super short, unless the other person is super engaged in the conversation.

This might be a bit of a faux pas but... w\*\*d helps

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6uu0q

hv6tmh6

This is the struggle of an academic. I very regularly cannot sleep at night because I thought of a new study idea or that perfect opening sentence for my grant. I have a few tidbits of advice that have worked for me. 1. Keep a notebook with you at all times and when you have that idea write it down immediately or as soon as convenient. 2. Read for fun. I know this sounds silly, but it is so helpful for me to do some reading that isn’t on the subject I study or even better isn’t science at all. 3. Set and try to maintain specific boundaries on time. It’s important to have time dedicated to you, your partner, your friends, your family etc. 4. And in my experience most helpful, avoid talking about your academic pursuits. Keep it super short, unless the other person is super engaged in the conversation.

Embrace it

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6yqv4

hv7kpgr

I like lifting weights and watching football. Neither are things most of my friends and basically none of my colleagues do. It helps clear my mind, it’s fun, and it puts you in contact with a whole other subset of the population.

You don't. You find someone just like you and become that weird couple who alienate all your friends

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6ppqx

hv7kpgr

This might be a bit of a faux pas but... w\*\*d helps

You don't. You find someone just like you and become that weird couple who alienate all your friends

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv7kpgr

hv6wavq

You don't. You find someone just like you and become that weird couple who alienate all your friends

Weird, in my lab/office we're always as childish, foolish and stupid as legally possible. Noone likes a smart ass, and noone needs to know details about everything, that academic behaviour is only present in external presentations and when writing.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv7a6il

hv7kpgr

Graduating helped. Now I think of myself as polite party host, asking my family and kids to tell me things about themselves and so forth.

You don't. You find someone just like you and become that weird couple who alienate all your friends

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv7kpgr

hv7agw0

You don't. You find someone just like you and become that weird couple who alienate all your friends

Code switching.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv7kpgr

hv6tmh6

You don't. You find someone just like you and become that weird couple who alienate all your friends

Embrace it

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv7kpgr

hv6y6lu

You don't. You find someone just like you and become that weird couple who alienate all your friends

Mood altering chemicals.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6ppqx

hv6yqv4

This might be a bit of a faux pas but... w\*\*d helps

I like lifting weights and watching football. Neither are things most of my friends and basically none of my colleagues do. It helps clear my mind, it’s fun, and it puts you in contact with a whole other subset of the population.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6wavq

hv6yqv4

Weird, in my lab/office we're always as childish, foolish and stupid as legally possible. Noone likes a smart ass, and noone needs to know details about everything, that academic behaviour is only present in external presentations and when writing.

I like lifting weights and watching football. Neither are things most of my friends and basically none of my colleagues do. It helps clear my mind, it’s fun, and it puts you in contact with a whole other subset of the population.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6tmh6

hv6yqv4

Embrace it

I like lifting weights and watching football. Neither are things most of my friends and basically none of my colleagues do. It helps clear my mind, it’s fun, and it puts you in contact with a whole other subset of the population.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6yqv4

hv6y6lu

I like lifting weights and watching football. Neither are things most of my friends and basically none of my colleagues do. It helps clear my mind, it’s fun, and it puts you in contact with a whole other subset of the population.

Mood altering chemicals.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6wavq

hv6ppqx

Weird, in my lab/office we're always as childish, foolish and stupid as legally possible. Noone likes a smart ass, and noone needs to know details about everything, that academic behaviour is only present in external presentations and when writing.

This might be a bit of a faux pas but... w\*\*d helps

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6wavq

hv6tmh6

Weird, in my lab/office we're always as childish, foolish and stupid as legally possible. Noone likes a smart ass, and noone needs to know details about everything, that academic behaviour is only present in external presentations and when writing.

Embrace it

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6tmh6

hv7a6il

Embrace it

Graduating helped. Now I think of myself as polite party host, asking my family and kids to tell me things about themselves and so forth.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv7a6il

hv6y6lu

Graduating helped. Now I think of myself as polite party host, asking my family and kids to tell me things about themselves and so forth.

Mood altering chemicals.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv7agw0

hv6tmh6

Code switching.

Embrace it

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6y6lu

hv7agw0

Mood altering chemicals.

Code switching.

si4h6d

askacademia_train

How do you turn off the “academic” portion of your brain and just be a normal person? I’m always “on” and it’s not helping my relationships. Or is this just an occupational hazard?

hv6y6lu

hv7rr4r

Mood altering chemicals.

1. Set hard boundaries. If you find yourself thinking about research or work in your downtime, stop yourself and write it down. Don't entertain it unless the thought requires urgent attention (i.e. if you don't tell a colleague, you may lose out on a grant the next day or something). If you're worried you'll forget the details, get good at writing enough detail to jog your memory later. If you're worried you won't be as excited for the idea later, it probably wasn't that important in the first place. 2. In line with #1, try to make sure you actually have downtime away from work. You don't need to have a hard 9-5, but at least have some points in your day and week where you tell yourself "ok, it's time to put this down." 3. Develop non-academic interests. Knitting, cooking, D&D, gaming, shopping, PC building, mechanical keyboards, anime, Netflix shows, whatever tickles your fancy. Make sure you actually make time for yourself to do these hobbies too (in line with #2).

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0vprnp

h0vq92q

Welcome to the club! Almost nobody who hasn’t done it can really understand what it means to earn a Ph.D. But you know, and you can let them know when you do something good. They don’t have to understand to be proud of you. And if you need some validation, post here. We know, and we’re damn proud of you. It sounds like you are doing really, really well. Keep it up.

Similar sociodemographics here… I haven’t started my doc program yet but I spent about a decade climbing a pretty lucrative corporate ladder that moved us from dirt poor to upper middle class, so I sort of get the idea of living a separate life from family. One thing that I’d say is that graduate school, just like any other career move is an individual endeavor and no one is really going to cheerlead you every step of the way, save maybe your spouse or children. I suspect that your family is very proud of you and if you are looking for support and ask for it, they’ll be more than willing. With that said, I would hope that you are equally involved in their lives, their accomplishments, etc. and celebrate them, even if they aren’t quite “at the top”, as you say.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0vrnhf

h0vprnp

You are definitely not alone in this! I guess that most of us with parents or friends without academic training and career are met with either excessive deference or just detachment. We mist accept it's the way it is, because most people only experienced study and work in their lives, and a phd fits poorly in both. I would also recommend to make one or two good friends in the program who share your experience, the successes and the frustration. More generally however, I would advise you to learn how to gratify yourself for your successes. It is very important to become independent from anyone other's judgement (yet not immune to criticism!) for our mental health. This is particularly so in a competitive field like research where criticisms are institutionalized but awards and recognition only come late in our careers. I try to reward myself for my successes and to communicate them to people in a way that is relatable to their experience, and it mostly works ;) Good luck with your phd!

Welcome to the club! Almost nobody who hasn’t done it can really understand what it means to earn a Ph.D. But you know, and you can let them know when you do something good. They don’t have to understand to be proud of you. And if you need some validation, post here. We know, and we’re damn proud of you. It sounds like you are doing really, really well. Keep it up.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wdsxn

h0wg08e

When I decided to pursue a PhD, my mom told me she hoped I’d be fired and have to find a real job. Which, lol. I don’t really have advice aside from getting comfortable with people not understanding your PhD process and also watching other people hit major milestones (marriage, baby, home ownership, promotion) that will be celebrated and more than likely not on your agenda as a PhD student? Unless you have a wealthy spouse, or family money, or something.

You are not alone. Keep in mind that there *are* families and communities who see success as an academic professional to be a great accomplishment. So what you're experiencing is not universal. It's probably uncommon. Many of your colleagues will be consistently affirmed for what they do, because they already come from the academic/professional class. This is the part of changing your economic class that nobody tells you about: the people we care about don't know how to interpret our work lives anymore. In my experience, this also never goes away. From graduate school, to dissertation, to PhD, to becoming a professor, to publishing a book, the people who affirm you will be the people who have grown up or adapted to the economic class that already affirms those things as accomplishments. So you'll get that from your teachers, colleagues, and eventually your students, but never from the community you grew up in, not really. I don't have good advice, since it still disappoints me. About a month before my grandpa died I was hired for a great, rare tenure track job at a well-known prestigious college. When I tried to talk to my grandpa about it, he hadn't heard of it and didn't know what tenure was. He just asked if it was union work. It made me profoundly sad that I couldn't really convey to him why he should be proud. And it's not that he wasn't proud, he just had no frame of reference to understand what I had done. Ok, I do have advice. For me, this experience makes me kind to students. I know why it's easy for some students to keep their shit together at college; their whole community is expecting them to and affirming them when they do. And more importantly: I know just how hard it is to keep up when you don't come from a community like that. But for both sides of that struggle, students are all just caught in the brittle, barely-visible class hierarchy of our societies. So: let this struggle make you kind.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wb4r9

h0wg08e

I’m a first gen college student and I have the same issue. I’m white and male, but still, I come from nothing. One of my brothers got his bachelors degree, but no one else out of my 7 siblings got a degree, and only 1 of my many cousins got a bachelors. It’s kind of strange going home for Christmas and my cousin who cuts hair for a living talks down to me. Same goes for my sister who used to work at Walmart and hasn’t worked a stable job in 4 years. My parents have told me they’re proud in so many words, but the only person who has ever truly supported me with expressing how proud they were was my very distant great uncle who got his PhD back in the 60s. I rarely see him, but he always makes a point to talk to me about it and tells me how proud he is and how it’s so great what I’m doing. Point being, they’d be proud of you if they understood, but they just don’t. This shouldn’t cause any type of internal conflict, you can’t expect them to all be worshipping the ground you walk on to begin with. When they talk down to me, I just smirk and think about how I have a much more fulfilling life, and will realistically be making more money than 5 of my cousins combined. I suggest you do the same, then when it comes time when anyone in your family makes any academic accomplishment, make sure to express how proud you are of them.

You are not alone. Keep in mind that there *are* families and communities who see success as an academic professional to be a great accomplishment. So what you're experiencing is not universal. It's probably uncommon. Many of your colleagues will be consistently affirmed for what they do, because they already come from the academic/professional class. This is the part of changing your economic class that nobody tells you about: the people we care about don't know how to interpret our work lives anymore. In my experience, this also never goes away. From graduate school, to dissertation, to PhD, to becoming a professor, to publishing a book, the people who affirm you will be the people who have grown up or adapted to the economic class that already affirms those things as accomplishments. So you'll get that from your teachers, colleagues, and eventually your students, but never from the community you grew up in, not really. I don't have good advice, since it still disappoints me. About a month before my grandpa died I was hired for a great, rare tenure track job at a well-known prestigious college. When I tried to talk to my grandpa about it, he hadn't heard of it and didn't know what tenure was. He just asked if it was union work. It made me profoundly sad that I couldn't really convey to him why he should be proud. And it's not that he wasn't proud, he just had no frame of reference to understand what I had done. Ok, I do have advice. For me, this experience makes me kind to students. I know why it's easy for some students to keep their shit together at college; their whole community is expecting them to and affirming them when they do. And more importantly: I know just how hard it is to keep up when you don't come from a community like that. But for both sides of that struggle, students are all just caught in the brittle, barely-visible class hierarchy of our societies. So: let this struggle make you kind.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wc739

h0wg08e

I don't have much more to add then what others have said other than that I know the feeling. I'm the first person in my extended family to get a university degree, let alone a PhD. The amount of times I had to correct them about that my PhD was an actual job and just studying is staggering. Or that I don't have a set time to start and finish work. Or that I don't really have a "boss" per se. It sucks that they just don't and can't understand, but luckily I have a lot of friends who are better equipped to understand this sort of life. You should not look down on your less educated relatives though. All of us are given different opportunities and just because they were born with a brain less equipped for abstract thinking doesn't make them less worthy of respect.

You are not alone. Keep in mind that there *are* families and communities who see success as an academic professional to be a great accomplishment. So what you're experiencing is not universal. It's probably uncommon. Many of your colleagues will be consistently affirmed for what they do, because they already come from the academic/professional class. This is the part of changing your economic class that nobody tells you about: the people we care about don't know how to interpret our work lives anymore. In my experience, this also never goes away. From graduate school, to dissertation, to PhD, to becoming a professor, to publishing a book, the people who affirm you will be the people who have grown up or adapted to the economic class that already affirms those things as accomplishments. So you'll get that from your teachers, colleagues, and eventually your students, but never from the community you grew up in, not really. I don't have good advice, since it still disappoints me. About a month before my grandpa died I was hired for a great, rare tenure track job at a well-known prestigious college. When I tried to talk to my grandpa about it, he hadn't heard of it and didn't know what tenure was. He just asked if it was union work. It made me profoundly sad that I couldn't really convey to him why he should be proud. And it's not that he wasn't proud, he just had no frame of reference to understand what I had done. Ok, I do have advice. For me, this experience makes me kind to students. I know why it's easy for some students to keep their shit together at college; their whole community is expecting them to and affirming them when they do. And more importantly: I know just how hard it is to keep up when you don't come from a community like that. But for both sides of that struggle, students are all just caught in the brittle, barely-visible class hierarchy of our societies. So: let this struggle make you kind.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0weece

h0wg08e

There are many people in all walks of life who have found that by going along on their path they sometimes have to leave others behind - or at least leave part of themselves at the door. Their old neighborhood, or their people, don't want to know nor understand what they do or what to be. That's ok. being conversant in many cultures and views makes us more capable, not less. It's OK that your current family and friends don't get you. On your educational and career path you will find many people who resonate professionally, but not personally. Or you might find intellectual matches who have garbage personalities. There is a lot of loneliness in developing yourself in any respect. Because it requires a kind of attention and focus which is uncomfortable at best. But it is how we get from A to B. Everybody's journey is different, and there is no doubt that in your family and social circles there are people who have traveled roads you don't understand yourself. Use this as an opportunity to be more supportive of them. And expect less from others and more from yourself.

You are not alone. Keep in mind that there *are* families and communities who see success as an academic professional to be a great accomplishment. So what you're experiencing is not universal. It's probably uncommon. Many of your colleagues will be consistently affirmed for what they do, because they already come from the academic/professional class. This is the part of changing your economic class that nobody tells you about: the people we care about don't know how to interpret our work lives anymore. In my experience, this also never goes away. From graduate school, to dissertation, to PhD, to becoming a professor, to publishing a book, the people who affirm you will be the people who have grown up or adapted to the economic class that already affirms those things as accomplishments. So you'll get that from your teachers, colleagues, and eventually your students, but never from the community you grew up in, not really. I don't have good advice, since it still disappoints me. About a month before my grandpa died I was hired for a great, rare tenure track job at a well-known prestigious college. When I tried to talk to my grandpa about it, he hadn't heard of it and didn't know what tenure was. He just asked if it was union work. It made me profoundly sad that I couldn't really convey to him why he should be proud. And it's not that he wasn't proud, he just had no frame of reference to understand what I had done. Ok, I do have advice. For me, this experience makes me kind to students. I know why it's easy for some students to keep their shit together at college; their whole community is expecting them to and affirming them when they do. And more importantly: I know just how hard it is to keep up when you don't come from a community like that. But for both sides of that struggle, students are all just caught in the brittle, barely-visible class hierarchy of our societies. So: let this struggle make you kind.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wg08e

h0w18el

You are not alone. Keep in mind that there *are* families and communities who see success as an academic professional to be a great accomplishment. So what you're experiencing is not universal. It's probably uncommon. Many of your colleagues will be consistently affirmed for what they do, because they already come from the academic/professional class. This is the part of changing your economic class that nobody tells you about: the people we care about don't know how to interpret our work lives anymore. In my experience, this also never goes away. From graduate school, to dissertation, to PhD, to becoming a professor, to publishing a book, the people who affirm you will be the people who have grown up or adapted to the economic class that already affirms those things as accomplishments. So you'll get that from your teachers, colleagues, and eventually your students, but never from the community you grew up in, not really. I don't have good advice, since it still disappoints me. About a month before my grandpa died I was hired for a great, rare tenure track job at a well-known prestigious college. When I tried to talk to my grandpa about it, he hadn't heard of it and didn't know what tenure was. He just asked if it was union work. It made me profoundly sad that I couldn't really convey to him why he should be proud. And it's not that he wasn't proud, he just had no frame of reference to understand what I had done. Ok, I do have advice. For me, this experience makes me kind to students. I know why it's easy for some students to keep their shit together at college; their whole community is expecting them to and affirming them when they do. And more importantly: I know just how hard it is to keep up when you don't come from a community like that. But for both sides of that struggle, students are all just caught in the brittle, barely-visible class hierarchy of our societies. So: let this struggle make you kind.

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wh7k2

h0wdsxn

Feel this deeply. I am a first generation mixed race woman with a STEM PhD. On the white side of my family, two of my male cousins have gone on to PhD programs in social sciences. They are The Family Geniuses and the family is so proud and in to what they do, but for me the response was “there’s no way I could understand that stuff” and never wanted to talk about my work or ideas. My advice is first to never let your academics be your identity. PhD students and early career academics are so entangled with their studies and work that it is sometimes more than just part of them and it’s so unhealthy. Take your families disinterest in your work as disinterest in the subject, not in you. Highlight your accomplishments to them - I won an award, I got funding for a big project, I published an article, I was invited to get a talk. Focusing on the tangibles helps people outside of academia understand what’s a win and keeps the mind numbing jargon away from them. The second potentially helpful thing you can do is get involved with groups or clubs for first gen students or other affinity groups. They can’t replace your family, but sharing successes and gripes with people who just get it is grounding. Last but not least, find yourself a mentor in your field. It could be your advisor, someone in your sub field or just some professor you connect with. One good mentor can add immeasurable value to your PhD experience. The PhD for anyone is tough, but it can be even worse for someone who isn’t getting support. It sucks that your family just can’t give you what you need right now, but I promise you, you can and will find it! Good luck and congrats on one year down!

When I decided to pursue a PhD, my mom told me she hoped I’d be fired and have to find a real job. Which, lol. I don’t really have advice aside from getting comfortable with people not understanding your PhD process and also watching other people hit major milestones (marriage, baby, home ownership, promotion) that will be celebrated and more than likely not on your agenda as a PhD student? Unless you have a wealthy spouse, or family money, or something.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wb4r9

h0wh7k2

I’m a first gen college student and I have the same issue. I’m white and male, but still, I come from nothing. One of my brothers got his bachelors degree, but no one else out of my 7 siblings got a degree, and only 1 of my many cousins got a bachelors. It’s kind of strange going home for Christmas and my cousin who cuts hair for a living talks down to me. Same goes for my sister who used to work at Walmart and hasn’t worked a stable job in 4 years. My parents have told me they’re proud in so many words, but the only person who has ever truly supported me with expressing how proud they were was my very distant great uncle who got his PhD back in the 60s. I rarely see him, but he always makes a point to talk to me about it and tells me how proud he is and how it’s so great what I’m doing. Point being, they’d be proud of you if they understood, but they just don’t. This shouldn’t cause any type of internal conflict, you can’t expect them to all be worshipping the ground you walk on to begin with. When they talk down to me, I just smirk and think about how I have a much more fulfilling life, and will realistically be making more money than 5 of my cousins combined. I suggest you do the same, then when it comes time when anyone in your family makes any academic accomplishment, make sure to express how proud you are of them.

Feel this deeply. I am a first generation mixed race woman with a STEM PhD. On the white side of my family, two of my male cousins have gone on to PhD programs in social sciences. They are The Family Geniuses and the family is so proud and in to what they do, but for me the response was “there’s no way I could understand that stuff” and never wanted to talk about my work or ideas. My advice is first to never let your academics be your identity. PhD students and early career academics are so entangled with their studies and work that it is sometimes more than just part of them and it’s so unhealthy. Take your families disinterest in your work as disinterest in the subject, not in you. Highlight your accomplishments to them - I won an award, I got funding for a big project, I published an article, I was invited to get a talk. Focusing on the tangibles helps people outside of academia understand what’s a win and keeps the mind numbing jargon away from them. The second potentially helpful thing you can do is get involved with groups or clubs for first gen students or other affinity groups. They can’t replace your family, but sharing successes and gripes with people who just get it is grounding. Last but not least, find yourself a mentor in your field. It could be your advisor, someone in your sub field or just some professor you connect with. One good mentor can add immeasurable value to your PhD experience. The PhD for anyone is tough, but it can be even worse for someone who isn’t getting support. It sucks that your family just can’t give you what you need right now, but I promise you, you can and will find it! Good luck and congrats on one year down!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wh7k2

h0wc739

Feel this deeply. I am a first generation mixed race woman with a STEM PhD. On the white side of my family, two of my male cousins have gone on to PhD programs in social sciences. They are The Family Geniuses and the family is so proud and in to what they do, but for me the response was “there’s no way I could understand that stuff” and never wanted to talk about my work or ideas. My advice is first to never let your academics be your identity. PhD students and early career academics are so entangled with their studies and work that it is sometimes more than just part of them and it’s so unhealthy. Take your families disinterest in your work as disinterest in the subject, not in you. Highlight your accomplishments to them - I won an award, I got funding for a big project, I published an article, I was invited to get a talk. Focusing on the tangibles helps people outside of academia understand what’s a win and keeps the mind numbing jargon away from them. The second potentially helpful thing you can do is get involved with groups or clubs for first gen students or other affinity groups. They can’t replace your family, but sharing successes and gripes with people who just get it is grounding. Last but not least, find yourself a mentor in your field. It could be your advisor, someone in your sub field or just some professor you connect with. One good mentor can add immeasurable value to your PhD experience. The PhD for anyone is tough, but it can be even worse for someone who isn’t getting support. It sucks that your family just can’t give you what you need right now, but I promise you, you can and will find it! Good luck and congrats on one year down!

I don't have much more to add then what others have said other than that I know the feeling. I'm the first person in my extended family to get a university degree, let alone a PhD. The amount of times I had to correct them about that my PhD was an actual job and just studying is staggering. Or that I don't have a set time to start and finish work. Or that I don't really have a "boss" per se. It sucks that they just don't and can't understand, but luckily I have a lot of friends who are better equipped to understand this sort of life. You should not look down on your less educated relatives though. All of us are given different opportunities and just because they were born with a brain less equipped for abstract thinking doesn't make them less worthy of respect.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0weece

h0wh7k2

There are many people in all walks of life who have found that by going along on their path they sometimes have to leave others behind - or at least leave part of themselves at the door. Their old neighborhood, or their people, don't want to know nor understand what they do or what to be. That's ok. being conversant in many cultures and views makes us more capable, not less. It's OK that your current family and friends don't get you. On your educational and career path you will find many people who resonate professionally, but not personally. Or you might find intellectual matches who have garbage personalities. There is a lot of loneliness in developing yourself in any respect. Because it requires a kind of attention and focus which is uncomfortable at best. But it is how we get from A to B. Everybody's journey is different, and there is no doubt that in your family and social circles there are people who have traveled roads you don't understand yourself. Use this as an opportunity to be more supportive of them. And expect less from others and more from yourself.

Feel this deeply. I am a first generation mixed race woman with a STEM PhD. On the white side of my family, two of my male cousins have gone on to PhD programs in social sciences. They are The Family Geniuses and the family is so proud and in to what they do, but for me the response was “there’s no way I could understand that stuff” and never wanted to talk about my work or ideas. My advice is first to never let your academics be your identity. PhD students and early career academics are so entangled with their studies and work that it is sometimes more than just part of them and it’s so unhealthy. Take your families disinterest in your work as disinterest in the subject, not in you. Highlight your accomplishments to them - I won an award, I got funding for a big project, I published an article, I was invited to get a talk. Focusing on the tangibles helps people outside of academia understand what’s a win and keeps the mind numbing jargon away from them. The second potentially helpful thing you can do is get involved with groups or clubs for first gen students or other affinity groups. They can’t replace your family, but sharing successes and gripes with people who just get it is grounding. Last but not least, find yourself a mentor in your field. It could be your advisor, someone in your sub field or just some professor you connect with. One good mentor can add immeasurable value to your PhD experience. The PhD for anyone is tough, but it can be even worse for someone who isn’t getting support. It sucks that your family just can’t give you what you need right now, but I promise you, you can and will find it! Good luck and congrats on one year down!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wg38q

h0wh7k2

There’s so much good advice here already! I just wanted to add that, depending on the size of your grad school, they might have a Black students’ association/union just for graduate students. (My school actually had one just for Black grads in social sciences, but I'm sure you'd know about it already if your program had that!) A more rare, but still realistic possibility might be a first-gen grad student group. Either of those would also come with the benefit of meeting grad students outside of your program, which is really great for making friendships with similar-but-not-too-similar backgrounds.

Feel this deeply. I am a first generation mixed race woman with a STEM PhD. On the white side of my family, two of my male cousins have gone on to PhD programs in social sciences. They are The Family Geniuses and the family is so proud and in to what they do, but for me the response was “there’s no way I could understand that stuff” and never wanted to talk about my work or ideas. My advice is first to never let your academics be your identity. PhD students and early career academics are so entangled with their studies and work that it is sometimes more than just part of them and it’s so unhealthy. Take your families disinterest in your work as disinterest in the subject, not in you. Highlight your accomplishments to them - I won an award, I got funding for a big project, I published an article, I was invited to get a talk. Focusing on the tangibles helps people outside of academia understand what’s a win and keeps the mind numbing jargon away from them. The second potentially helpful thing you can do is get involved with groups or clubs for first gen students or other affinity groups. They can’t replace your family, but sharing successes and gripes with people who just get it is grounding. Last but not least, find yourself a mentor in your field. It could be your advisor, someone in your sub field or just some professor you connect with. One good mentor can add immeasurable value to your PhD experience. The PhD for anyone is tough, but it can be even worse for someone who isn’t getting support. It sucks that your family just can’t give you what you need right now, but I promise you, you can and will find it! Good luck and congrats on one year down!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0w18el

h0wh7k2

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

Feel this deeply. I am a first generation mixed race woman with a STEM PhD. On the white side of my family, two of my male cousins have gone on to PhD programs in social sciences. They are The Family Geniuses and the family is so proud and in to what they do, but for me the response was “there’s no way I could understand that stuff” and never wanted to talk about my work or ideas. My advice is first to never let your academics be your identity. PhD students and early career academics are so entangled with their studies and work that it is sometimes more than just part of them and it’s so unhealthy. Take your families disinterest in your work as disinterest in the subject, not in you. Highlight your accomplishments to them - I won an award, I got funding for a big project, I published an article, I was invited to get a talk. Focusing on the tangibles helps people outside of academia understand what’s a win and keeps the mind numbing jargon away from them. The second potentially helpful thing you can do is get involved with groups or clubs for first gen students or other affinity groups. They can’t replace your family, but sharing successes and gripes with people who just get it is grounding. Last but not least, find yourself a mentor in your field. It could be your advisor, someone in your sub field or just some professor you connect with. One good mentor can add immeasurable value to your PhD experience. The PhD for anyone is tough, but it can be even worse for someone who isn’t getting support. It sucks that your family just can’t give you what you need right now, but I promise you, you can and will find it! Good luck and congrats on one year down!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wh7k2

h0wg582

Feel this deeply. I am a first generation mixed race woman with a STEM PhD. On the white side of my family, two of my male cousins have gone on to PhD programs in social sciences. They are The Family Geniuses and the family is so proud and in to what they do, but for me the response was “there’s no way I could understand that stuff” and never wanted to talk about my work or ideas. My advice is first to never let your academics be your identity. PhD students and early career academics are so entangled with their studies and work that it is sometimes more than just part of them and it’s so unhealthy. Take your families disinterest in your work as disinterest in the subject, not in you. Highlight your accomplishments to them - I won an award, I got funding for a big project, I published an article, I was invited to get a talk. Focusing on the tangibles helps people outside of academia understand what’s a win and keeps the mind numbing jargon away from them. The second potentially helpful thing you can do is get involved with groups or clubs for first gen students or other affinity groups. They can’t replace your family, but sharing successes and gripes with people who just get it is grounding. Last but not least, find yourself a mentor in your field. It could be your advisor, someone in your sub field or just some professor you connect with. One good mentor can add immeasurable value to your PhD experience. The PhD for anyone is tough, but it can be even worse for someone who isn’t getting support. It sucks that your family just can’t give you what you need right now, but I promise you, you can and will find it! Good luck and congrats on one year down!

Congratulations!!! One good piece of advice I’ve heard is when you show up, prioritize finding people at your university with a similar background (ideally department but that might be tough if it’s small). For times when your family don’t get it, finding a network elsewhere is really important for both the lows and the highs (it can be demoralizing when you publish your first paper and no one in your family gets excited, but less of a sting if you have friends who do). Good luck!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wdsxn

h0wb4r9

When I decided to pursue a PhD, my mom told me she hoped I’d be fired and have to find a real job. Which, lol. I don’t really have advice aside from getting comfortable with people not understanding your PhD process and also watching other people hit major milestones (marriage, baby, home ownership, promotion) that will be celebrated and more than likely not on your agenda as a PhD student? Unless you have a wealthy spouse, or family money, or something.

I’m a first gen college student and I have the same issue. I’m white and male, but still, I come from nothing. One of my brothers got his bachelors degree, but no one else out of my 7 siblings got a degree, and only 1 of my many cousins got a bachelors. It’s kind of strange going home for Christmas and my cousin who cuts hair for a living talks down to me. Same goes for my sister who used to work at Walmart and hasn’t worked a stable job in 4 years. My parents have told me they’re proud in so many words, but the only person who has ever truly supported me with expressing how proud they were was my very distant great uncle who got his PhD back in the 60s. I rarely see him, but he always makes a point to talk to me about it and tells me how proud he is and how it’s so great what I’m doing. Point being, they’d be proud of you if they understood, but they just don’t. This shouldn’t cause any type of internal conflict, you can’t expect them to all be worshipping the ground you walk on to begin with. When they talk down to me, I just smirk and think about how I have a much more fulfilling life, and will realistically be making more money than 5 of my cousins combined. I suggest you do the same, then when it comes time when anyone in your family makes any academic accomplishment, make sure to express how proud you are of them.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wdsxn

h0wc739

When I decided to pursue a PhD, my mom told me she hoped I’d be fired and have to find a real job. Which, lol. I don’t really have advice aside from getting comfortable with people not understanding your PhD process and also watching other people hit major milestones (marriage, baby, home ownership, promotion) that will be celebrated and more than likely not on your agenda as a PhD student? Unless you have a wealthy spouse, or family money, or something.

I don't have much more to add then what others have said other than that I know the feeling. I'm the first person in my extended family to get a university degree, let alone a PhD. The amount of times I had to correct them about that my PhD was an actual job and just studying is staggering. Or that I don't have a set time to start and finish work. Or that I don't really have a "boss" per se. It sucks that they just don't and can't understand, but luckily I have a lot of friends who are better equipped to understand this sort of life. You should not look down on your less educated relatives though. All of us are given different opportunities and just because they were born with a brain less equipped for abstract thinking doesn't make them less worthy of respect.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0w18el

h0wdsxn

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

When I decided to pursue a PhD, my mom told me she hoped I’d be fired and have to find a real job. Which, lol. I don’t really have advice aside from getting comfortable with people not understanding your PhD process and also watching other people hit major milestones (marriage, baby, home ownership, promotion) that will be celebrated and more than likely not on your agenda as a PhD student? Unless you have a wealthy spouse, or family money, or something.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wc739

h0wqhpd

I don't have much more to add then what others have said other than that I know the feeling. I'm the first person in my extended family to get a university degree, let alone a PhD. The amount of times I had to correct them about that my PhD was an actual job and just studying is staggering. Or that I don't have a set time to start and finish work. Or that I don't really have a "boss" per se. It sucks that they just don't and can't understand, but luckily I have a lot of friends who are better equipped to understand this sort of life. You should not look down on your less educated relatives though. All of us are given different opportunities and just because they were born with a brain less equipped for abstract thinking doesn't make them less worthy of respect.

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0weece

h0wqhpd

There are many people in all walks of life who have found that by going along on their path they sometimes have to leave others behind - or at least leave part of themselves at the door. Their old neighborhood, or their people, don't want to know nor understand what they do or what to be. That's ok. being conversant in many cultures and views makes us more capable, not less. It's OK that your current family and friends don't get you. On your educational and career path you will find many people who resonate professionally, but not personally. Or you might find intellectual matches who have garbage personalities. There is a lot of loneliness in developing yourself in any respect. Because it requires a kind of attention and focus which is uncomfortable at best. But it is how we get from A to B. Everybody's journey is different, and there is no doubt that in your family and social circles there are people who have traveled roads you don't understand yourself. Use this as an opportunity to be more supportive of them. And expect less from others and more from yourself.

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wqhpd

h0wg38q

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

There’s so much good advice here already! I just wanted to add that, depending on the size of your grad school, they might have a Black students’ association/union just for graduate students. (My school actually had one just for Black grads in social sciences, but I'm sure you'd know about it already if your program had that!) A more rare, but still realistic possibility might be a first-gen grad student group. Either of those would also come with the benefit of meeting grad students outside of your program, which is really great for making friendships with similar-but-not-too-similar backgrounds.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0w18el

h0wqhpd

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wqhpd

h0wg582

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

Congratulations!!! One good piece of advice I’ve heard is when you show up, prioritize finding people at your university with a similar background (ideally department but that might be tough if it’s small). For times when your family don’t get it, finding a network elsewhere is really important for both the lows and the highs (it can be demoralizing when you publish your first paper and no one in your family gets excited, but less of a sting if you have friends who do). Good luck!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wqhpd

h0wjaa3

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

You just learn to accept the loneliness of it. I'm similar to you and grew up in a working class,borderline working poor household. My family still doesn't understand what I do really. I'm post tenure and my mom is both jealous and proud. She wasted her potential but it's not her fault, she had a lot of trauma that she didn't know how to handle. But, she did her best. She projects that I look down on her somehow. I mean, I don't. But in her head I do. There's nothing I can really do about that. It's weird because it's like, don't you want your kids to do better than you did? And by better, I mean both financially as well as having the ability to live authentically. Do what you love, and accept that optionally not everyone is going to come with you on the ride. I'm not African American but I am a mixed person of color, so I can't comment on how race might impact your specific situation, but class is a big part of it. Here's a relatable blog post https://cupofjo.com/2018/03/class-differences-with-parents/

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wqhpd

h0wn5j6

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

You are not alone. Please read through this Nature career column writeup: https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-00948-7

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wljpt

h0wqhpd

I am sorry that you're in this position. I don't have any specific advice but all I can say is that at the end of the day, it's your happiness that matters the most. It sucks when you're not able to share your happiness with friends and families but sometimes that's how it is. It's ok to outgrow your friends and families. In your case, if you really want them to be feel happy and be proud of you, perhaps you can talk to them. Very often people don't understand how academia and PhD work, and tend to think that it's just a few more years of taking classes instead of getting an actual job. Maybe you can try explaining to them (if you haven't already) how much you've achieved and how much their support means to you, then maybe things will take a turn.

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wprkl

h0wqhpd

I’m proud of you! Congrats!!!

First off, huge congratulations!! Seriously, it's fucking awesome (in every sense of the word). I'm a first gen college graduate. Male, white, working-class background from the middle of nowhere KY, raised in a fundamentalist household. I did my Bachelor's > Master's > double PhD with no break. My family never seemed impressed or expressed genuine happiness for my advances in life. The more education I received, the more alienated I felt from family/home. When I received my bachelor's degree, I was told the entire family wanted to chip in to purchase a handmade guitar for me (I played and taught guitar lessons all through HS and undergrad). They didn't do that. In fact, they never even bothered to try (we were poor, but they also constantly overspent, were financially unstable, and had 4-5 car loans, despite only needing 2 cars, etc., etc.). Instead, my mother bought me cheese fries at Long Horn (a fancy meal for us) and my father made fun of the phrase "summa cum laude when my name was called for graduation. For my master's...we ate at Burger King. I celebrated my dissertation defense completely alone in an Airbnb w/ a pizza. It was lonely. I hope your experience is better (celebrate with friends). I clearly articulated that I wanted some sort of support to my family, but they don't really "do emotions" outside of the context of speaking in tongues in church and the like. Anyway, all this to say, I've experienced something similar on my educational/career trajectory. It can be extremely lonely and alienating, as you said. I will add this though, in hindsight, I wish I had celebrated and been proud of myself/my accomplishments more (I was indoctrinated to be celebration was sort of sinful/conceited). Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wb4r9

h0w18el

I’m a first gen college student and I have the same issue. I’m white and male, but still, I come from nothing. One of my brothers got his bachelors degree, but no one else out of my 7 siblings got a degree, and only 1 of my many cousins got a bachelors. It’s kind of strange going home for Christmas and my cousin who cuts hair for a living talks down to me. Same goes for my sister who used to work at Walmart and hasn’t worked a stable job in 4 years. My parents have told me they’re proud in so many words, but the only person who has ever truly supported me with expressing how proud they were was my very distant great uncle who got his PhD back in the 60s. I rarely see him, but he always makes a point to talk to me about it and tells me how proud he is and how it’s so great what I’m doing. Point being, they’d be proud of you if they understood, but they just don’t. This shouldn’t cause any type of internal conflict, you can’t expect them to all be worshipping the ground you walk on to begin with. When they talk down to me, I just smirk and think about how I have a much more fulfilling life, and will realistically be making more money than 5 of my cousins combined. I suggest you do the same, then when it comes time when anyone in your family makes any academic accomplishment, make sure to express how proud you are of them.

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wc739

h0w18el

I don't have much more to add then what others have said other than that I know the feeling. I'm the first person in my extended family to get a university degree, let alone a PhD. The amount of times I had to correct them about that my PhD was an actual job and just studying is staggering. Or that I don't have a set time to start and finish work. Or that I don't really have a "boss" per se. It sucks that they just don't and can't understand, but luckily I have a lot of friends who are better equipped to understand this sort of life. You should not look down on your less educated relatives though. All of us are given different opportunities and just because they were born with a brain less equipped for abstract thinking doesn't make them less worthy of respect.

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0w18el

h0weece

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

There are many people in all walks of life who have found that by going along on their path they sometimes have to leave others behind - or at least leave part of themselves at the door. Their old neighborhood, or their people, don't want to know nor understand what they do or what to be. That's ok. being conversant in many cultures and views makes us more capable, not less. It's OK that your current family and friends don't get you. On your educational and career path you will find many people who resonate professionally, but not personally. Or you might find intellectual matches who have garbage personalities. There is a lot of loneliness in developing yourself in any respect. Because it requires a kind of attention and focus which is uncomfortable at best. But it is how we get from A to B. Everybody's journey is different, and there is no doubt that in your family and social circles there are people who have traveled roads you don't understand yourself. Use this as an opportunity to be more supportive of them. And expect less from others and more from yourself.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0w18el

h0wsf4q

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

Learn to not need others validation. You do not need others happiness to validate your happiness. If you are happy, that is enough. Soak the moment in alone. Be grateful to the universe, be proud of yourself, and let your happiness shine. Oh and congratulations.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wsf4q

h0wg582

Learn to not need others validation. You do not need others happiness to validate your happiness. If you are happy, that is enough. Soak the moment in alone. Be grateful to the universe, be proud of yourself, and let your happiness shine. Oh and congratulations.

Congratulations!!! One good piece of advice I’ve heard is when you show up, prioritize finding people at your university with a similar background (ideally department but that might be tough if it’s small). For times when your family don’t get it, finding a network elsewhere is really important for both the lows and the highs (it can be demoralizing when you publish your first paper and no one in your family gets excited, but less of a sting if you have friends who do). Good luck!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wjaa3

h0wsf4q

You just learn to accept the loneliness of it. I'm similar to you and grew up in a working class,borderline working poor household. My family still doesn't understand what I do really. I'm post tenure and my mom is both jealous and proud. She wasted her potential but it's not her fault, she had a lot of trauma that she didn't know how to handle. But, she did her best. She projects that I look down on her somehow. I mean, I don't. But in her head I do. There's nothing I can really do about that. It's weird because it's like, don't you want your kids to do better than you did? And by better, I mean both financially as well as having the ability to live authentically. Do what you love, and accept that optionally not everyone is going to come with you on the ride. I'm not African American but I am a mixed person of color, so I can't comment on how race might impact your specific situation, but class is a big part of it. Here's a relatable blog post https://cupofjo.com/2018/03/class-differences-with-parents/

Learn to not need others validation. You do not need others happiness to validate your happiness. If you are happy, that is enough. Soak the moment in alone. Be grateful to the universe, be proud of yourself, and let your happiness shine. Oh and congratulations.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wsf4q

h0wn5j6

Learn to not need others validation. You do not need others happiness to validate your happiness. If you are happy, that is enough. Soak the moment in alone. Be grateful to the universe, be proud of yourself, and let your happiness shine. Oh and congratulations.

You are not alone. Please read through this Nature career column writeup: https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-00948-7

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wsf4q

h0wljpt

Learn to not need others validation. You do not need others happiness to validate your happiness. If you are happy, that is enough. Soak the moment in alone. Be grateful to the universe, be proud of yourself, and let your happiness shine. Oh and congratulations.

I am sorry that you're in this position. I don't have any specific advice but all I can say is that at the end of the day, it's your happiness that matters the most. It sucks when you're not able to share your happiness with friends and families but sometimes that's how it is. It's ok to outgrow your friends and families. In your case, if you really want them to be feel happy and be proud of you, perhaps you can talk to them. Very often people don't understand how academia and PhD work, and tend to think that it's just a few more years of taking classes instead of getting an actual job. Maybe you can try explaining to them (if you haven't already) how much you've achieved and how much their support means to you, then maybe things will take a turn.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wprkl

h0wsf4q

I’m proud of you! Congrats!!!

Learn to not need others validation. You do not need others happiness to validate your happiness. If you are happy, that is enough. Soak the moment in alone. Be grateful to the universe, be proud of yourself, and let your happiness shine. Oh and congratulations.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0w18el

h0wg38q

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

There’s so much good advice here already! I just wanted to add that, depending on the size of your grad school, they might have a Black students’ association/union just for graduate students. (My school actually had one just for Black grads in social sciences, but I'm sure you'd know about it already if your program had that!) A more rare, but still realistic possibility might be a first-gen grad student group. Either of those would also come with the benefit of meeting grad students outside of your program, which is really great for making friendships with similar-but-not-too-similar backgrounds.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0xr3nm

h0ydn1m

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

Do you frequently ask about your family members’ jobs and professional lives? Do you know about all of their accomplishments and goings-on at work? If you’re constantly talking about their job and work accomplishments, but the conversation never turns to your professional life, then you can try to drop your own professional anecdotes in the conversation to let them know you’re in the ‘adult world’ now and can relate. I’m in a PhD program. My extended family talks about our professional lives sometimes but mostly we like to talk about family stuff or other fun stuff. Which seems pretty normal to me. I don’t think most of them even remember I’m in a PhD program. I sometimes discuss it with parents and siblings, mostly because sometimes we have to plan around my study schedule. They all had to go through job training for their job. What’s so exceptional about me going through job training for mine (which essentially is what a PhD *is* - job training for academia)? Don’t think of yourself as “at the top” just because you are in a PhD program. The only thing that differentiates you from others is that you chose to go into academia, and others chose to go into different fields (that are just as worthwhile). Someone who knows their field inside and out, has the respect of their peers, and brings positive changes to their workplace - that’s someone who is “at the top” - whether they’re a plumber, a teacher, an engineer, or a secretary. I’m sure your family is proud of you even if they don’t bring it up all the time. They probably just see you as an adult now. And adults don’t get as much constant praise as kids. But you don’t need that anymore anyway, because you’re doing this for yourself, to train for your job.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wg582

h0xr3nm

Congratulations!!! One good piece of advice I’ve heard is when you show up, prioritize finding people at your university with a similar background (ideally department but that might be tough if it’s small). For times when your family don’t get it, finding a network elsewhere is really important for both the lows and the highs (it can be demoralizing when you publish your first paper and no one in your family gets excited, but less of a sting if you have friends who do). Good luck!

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0xr3nm

h0wjaa3

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

You just learn to accept the loneliness of it. I'm similar to you and grew up in a working class,borderline working poor household. My family still doesn't understand what I do really. I'm post tenure and my mom is both jealous and proud. She wasted her potential but it's not her fault, she had a lot of trauma that she didn't know how to handle. But, she did her best. She projects that I look down on her somehow. I mean, I don't. But in her head I do. There's nothing I can really do about that. It's weird because it's like, don't you want your kids to do better than you did? And by better, I mean both financially as well as having the ability to live authentically. Do what you love, and accept that optionally not everyone is going to come with you on the ride. I'm not African American but I am a mixed person of color, so I can't comment on how race might impact your specific situation, but class is a big part of it. Here's a relatable blog post https://cupofjo.com/2018/03/class-differences-with-parents/

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wn5j6

h0xr3nm

You are not alone. Please read through this Nature career column writeup: https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-00948-7

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wljpt

h0xr3nm

I am sorry that you're in this position. I don't have any specific advice but all I can say is that at the end of the day, it's your happiness that matters the most. It sucks when you're not able to share your happiness with friends and families but sometimes that's how it is. It's ok to outgrow your friends and families. In your case, if you really want them to be feel happy and be proud of you, perhaps you can talk to them. Very often people don't understand how academia and PhD work, and tend to think that it's just a few more years of taking classes instead of getting an actual job. Maybe you can try explaining to them (if you haven't already) how much you've achieved and how much their support means to you, then maybe things will take a turn.

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0xr3nm

h0wprkl

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

I’m proud of you! Congrats!!!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0xr3nm

h0wyoyj

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

I think it's important to go to your family and tell them that you want to feel like they are proud of you even if they don't understand it. Sometimes parents especially have no idea how to be emotionally supportive, especially if there is generational trauma. My parents lived through some historical trauma in their home country and as a result internalized the message that feelings should be suppressed/don't matter and if you are just putting food on the table you are a good parent and your child will do the rest. I also want to say that there are definitely cases where things can devolve into outright hostility. My mom is supportive but has completely flown off the handle if I say something that makes her think I'm "pulling rank." I don't do this intentionally but she projects that people think she is stupid, since she is ashamed about not having gotten the same kind of education. My BFF from grad school is biracial and had it much worse. Her Dad was seriously antagonistic and guilt-tripped her about making it and leaving the family (her other two siblings are still at home in their 30s/40s).

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0xr3nm

h0xejyv

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

I am in a similar boat. I come from a poor family in the boonies - first BA ever let alone PhD. I often get less than optimism and happiness from family - i sometimes get extremely negative feedback. My BA was from a very prestigious school that was well known for Vietnam era protests and leftism in general. Family members would jipe at the liberal hippy BS good for nothing brainwashing i was wasting my time with. Now I'm in a very prestigious department in a smaller university and they jipe at me for more wasted time and can't even get into as good of a school as my BA (this department and my advisor are THE #1 choice for what I'm doing. I legit jackpot hit this out of the park getting in here fully funded). Not a sob story for me - but just wanted to relate with you. You aren't alone at all, although it feels like it. We are often alone in our departments too. My cohort had one dude who ever had a job outside of academia cuz he took a break after his BA and one other student who came from a working family. The rest are either from elite families in the states or abroad. There is nobody in this entire department that watched their parent(s) struggle to make bills, live in a place that got condemned, or had to struggle to survive themselves. Coming from a poor, uneducated urban family (or rural in my case) leaves us in a situation that we are so different than our peers. So we neither have that commonality here or back home. We are the odd ducklings. Thus, it is important that we don't rely on outside sources to make us feel good about ourselves. We must find self satisfaction and know that what we are doing is special. What we are doing is unique. And what we are doing is damn well harder than what people realize, either back home or among our peers here at our institute. It's OUR journey, OUR education, and OUR success.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0xhupt

h0xr3nm

Im not saying your family is narcissistic, but I had this problem alot in mine. Its not that they arent supportive, they do say like oh wow thats great, etc, but its almost like they dont care at all because it has nothing to do with them. I graduated with my 3rd degree, retired from the military, two kids, the kids they were into for the first couple years, but all in all absolutely lackluster response. But i've learned also thats its toxic of me to not have boundaries around my expectation for other people. Just because somebody doesnt treat me the way I want doesnt make it their fault exactly and im trying to unlearn it, but I can definetaly call a spade, a spade, and I know that I am very appreciative and I definetaly know how to spot somebody with talent and skill. If youre not like your family and this is the response you get when you get accomplishments, most likely are dealing with a narcissistic family dynamic, where you outgrew the family's expectation for you, usually parents gas light to keep their children under a certain par for the course so they never really excel. I cant vouche if this is your case but I can tell you right now if i met you and you said your story I'd say youre one of the most talented peopel I met that day from your display of perservance and dedication to your craft. Some people also to simplify my narc rant, some people cant stand being outshined, outperformed, especially when they have expectation for you to follow and in your own organic way you fashion a life together that is completely unlike the one everyone envisioned for you, and in the end you were happier, more successful while looking back you can see that it was other peoples guilts keeping you down. I know it sucks, all you want to do is have a party to celebrate your achievements and half the time youre dealing with other people not caring enough. I say it was you that got you on your own path, maybe its time to go off and find people who really deserve to celebrate with you. Lastly I do recongize people can be energy draining so maybe celebrate by yourself as well. Learning how to appreciate yourself and do things for you and learning how to bond with yourself and your accolades personally is a much stronger connection to oneself than finding other people to pull it out from. This way if youre somebody who likes to just do their own thing , be on their own way when you do meet people its not so important what they think of you cause your value is placed within yourself. ​ This takes alot of mental strength as this turns out to be so much more than degrees, retirement, accolades, Ph.d. We're literally learning how to rewire ourselves and breaking down the ego. That is what is very hard for people is letting the ego go, thats really the biggest problem with being alone is simplifying thought patterns and understanding other people are you and you are them. I know that sounds ridiculous but its true, the more i stop creating boundaries between how different i am to people I dislike or people I hate or i have indifference too, I take it in and think I too could have become that if I wasnt so aware of being better than that. But that alone doesnt justify bringing the wall down to protect you against malevolent nature. Some people just raised in rubble and some people are raised beside it. Your entire life is a constant filtering and vetting of picking the best DragonBall Z squad

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0xicu5

h0xr3nm

It pains me but I have no solid advice to give, despite me being touched by your story, as I am from a different sociodemographic. Honestly I just wish I could bake you cookies and give you a hug as a congratulations. OP I am the first in my family to join a PhD, but some others have gone through university. I am also funded, doing pretty well (despite covid) but still I know that nobody "gets" how big this is. Some uncles/aunts are the usual "cool but when are you going to get a REAL job?". It's pretty shitty and tiresome, but I try to keep a "water off a duck's back" mindset on this - I know what I want, I know how hard I worked to get here and how hard I am working right now. I know that I really want this, and this is enough for me, as I am paying my own bills and treading my path. Regardless, I hope you have a great experience and become successful with whatever you decide doing afterwards

Same boat here and similar demographics! I am finishing my clinical masters and entering a program to start Fall 2022. The responses to my acceptance from my family (extremely low SES background and first gen for most of my educational experiences): - people thinking I’m smarter about specific subjects I haven’t even studied/intend to study and lots of misconceptions of what a Ph.D is. - extremely flat reactions with “congrats” seeming more like a long sigh almost saying “oh great, more school”. - less celebration and more shrugs as I explain the place I’m moving to/what I’ll study. - lots and lots of disconnect from the people I grew up with and even my current cohort as they go into the workforce with their clinical degrees and I’m still heading into another 4 years of having a lower income and not practicing. I learned these lessons after constant disappointment even entering my masters: - have friends in your program and “academic friends”. These are the people you talk passionately with about research, your subject, your interests. These people fill the void that may exist talking with family and friends who don’t have your educational background. I personally really surround myself with this crowd because my family and friends from my childhood are so disconnected I almost feel isolated. No one in my life has made it this far. - have a significant other or romantic partner completely separate from research and school. My partner is my rock and my biggest cheerleader but has no idea what I’m talking about when I bring school up. His family and mine are very supportive but show a lot of misunderstanding towards what I’m doing and will often view or reference me as “the super smart one in the room” yet my imposter syndrome tells me otherwise. This additional support and minimal questioning of what I’m doing (although I’d love for them to be curious and ask me anything related to it) makes me feel like I can do anything I need/want related to my work and research without hindrance. It’s tough when you want to talk about it with loved ones but it honestly is a blessing in disguise. - have a crew of people who show love and support but don’t necessarily fall in the other two categories. These are your fun people who will be understanding of your circumstances when you dip for a few months due to burnout and being overworked but help you break out of the shell that can come when you are only surrounded by fellow academics. You can easily burn yourself out listening to the complaints or negativity of fellow Ph.Ds as we all seek to listen and support each other. - FIND HOBBIES AND OUTLETS! Workout, go birding, hike, be a craft beer enthusiast, anything. Expand your life beyond the work of the Ph.D. so it’s not the only thing you feel is defining you and I promise it helps take off the edge of pain you get when people don’t understand how hard you’re working. I am slowly realizing people are more interested in hearing about my hobbies and side passions than my academic work and I guess it makes sense - how often do you like hearing about others on their work or even work accomplishments we don’t know anything about? It really really sucks but it gets better and having multiple support systems will even it out. But part of it is accepting that you are doing more than your family and that’s not a bad thing to feel a little isolated. You can love those around you but receive the support and congratulations from the people who get it. Congrats, you are a rockstar for doing this us strangers are very proud of you. Virtual celebrations!!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0ydn1m

h0w18el

Do you frequently ask about your family members’ jobs and professional lives? Do you know about all of their accomplishments and goings-on at work? If you’re constantly talking about their job and work accomplishments, but the conversation never turns to your professional life, then you can try to drop your own professional anecdotes in the conversation to let them know you’re in the ‘adult world’ now and can relate. I’m in a PhD program. My extended family talks about our professional lives sometimes but mostly we like to talk about family stuff or other fun stuff. Which seems pretty normal to me. I don’t think most of them even remember I’m in a PhD program. I sometimes discuss it with parents and siblings, mostly because sometimes we have to plan around my study schedule. They all had to go through job training for their job. What’s so exceptional about me going through job training for mine (which essentially is what a PhD *is* - job training for academia)? Don’t think of yourself as “at the top” just because you are in a PhD program. The only thing that differentiates you from others is that you chose to go into academia, and others chose to go into different fields (that are just as worthwhile). Someone who knows their field inside and out, has the respect of their peers, and brings positive changes to their workplace - that’s someone who is “at the top” - whether they’re a plumber, a teacher, an engineer, or a secretary. I’m sure your family is proud of you even if they don’t bring it up all the time. They probably just see you as an adult now. And adults don’t get as much constant praise as kids. But you don’t need that anymore anyway, because you’re doing this for yourself, to train for your job.

Congratulations! I would make sure not to lose your roots! You are where you are from! Your perspective will be that much more valuable in the Academy. Try not to elevate yourself above your family for simply having a degree — it is a great accomplishment, but pride leads to jealousy!

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wg582

h0ydn1m

Congratulations!!! One good piece of advice I’ve heard is when you show up, prioritize finding people at your university with a similar background (ideally department but that might be tough if it’s small). For times when your family don’t get it, finding a network elsewhere is really important for both the lows and the highs (it can be demoralizing when you publish your first paper and no one in your family gets excited, but less of a sting if you have friends who do). Good luck!

Do you frequently ask about your family members’ jobs and professional lives? Do you know about all of their accomplishments and goings-on at work? If you’re constantly talking about their job and work accomplishments, but the conversation never turns to your professional life, then you can try to drop your own professional anecdotes in the conversation to let them know you’re in the ‘adult world’ now and can relate. I’m in a PhD program. My extended family talks about our professional lives sometimes but mostly we like to talk about family stuff or other fun stuff. Which seems pretty normal to me. I don’t think most of them even remember I’m in a PhD program. I sometimes discuss it with parents and siblings, mostly because sometimes we have to plan around my study schedule. They all had to go through job training for their job. What’s so exceptional about me going through job training for mine (which essentially is what a PhD *is* - job training for academia)? Don’t think of yourself as “at the top” just because you are in a PhD program. The only thing that differentiates you from others is that you chose to go into academia, and others chose to go into different fields (that are just as worthwhile). Someone who knows their field inside and out, has the respect of their peers, and brings positive changes to their workplace - that’s someone who is “at the top” - whether they’re a plumber, a teacher, an engineer, or a secretary. I’m sure your family is proud of you even if they don’t bring it up all the time. They probably just see you as an adult now. And adults don’t get as much constant praise as kids. But you don’t need that anymore anyway, because you’re doing this for yourself, to train for your job.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wjaa3

h0ydn1m

You just learn to accept the loneliness of it. I'm similar to you and grew up in a working class,borderline working poor household. My family still doesn't understand what I do really. I'm post tenure and my mom is both jealous and proud. She wasted her potential but it's not her fault, she had a lot of trauma that she didn't know how to handle. But, she did her best. She projects that I look down on her somehow. I mean, I don't. But in her head I do. There's nothing I can really do about that. It's weird because it's like, don't you want your kids to do better than you did? And by better, I mean both financially as well as having the ability to live authentically. Do what you love, and accept that optionally not everyone is going to come with you on the ride. I'm not African American but I am a mixed person of color, so I can't comment on how race might impact your specific situation, but class is a big part of it. Here's a relatable blog post https://cupofjo.com/2018/03/class-differences-with-parents/

Do you frequently ask about your family members’ jobs and professional lives? Do you know about all of their accomplishments and goings-on at work? If you’re constantly talking about their job and work accomplishments, but the conversation never turns to your professional life, then you can try to drop your own professional anecdotes in the conversation to let them know you’re in the ‘adult world’ now and can relate. I’m in a PhD program. My extended family talks about our professional lives sometimes but mostly we like to talk about family stuff or other fun stuff. Which seems pretty normal to me. I don’t think most of them even remember I’m in a PhD program. I sometimes discuss it with parents and siblings, mostly because sometimes we have to plan around my study schedule. They all had to go through job training for their job. What’s so exceptional about me going through job training for mine (which essentially is what a PhD *is* - job training for academia)? Don’t think of yourself as “at the top” just because you are in a PhD program. The only thing that differentiates you from others is that you chose to go into academia, and others chose to go into different fields (that are just as worthwhile). Someone who knows their field inside and out, has the respect of their peers, and brings positive changes to their workplace - that’s someone who is “at the top” - whether they’re a plumber, a teacher, an engineer, or a secretary. I’m sure your family is proud of you even if they don’t bring it up all the time. They probably just see you as an adult now. And adults don’t get as much constant praise as kids. But you don’t need that anymore anyway, because you’re doing this for yourself, to train for your job.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0wn5j6

h0ydn1m

You are not alone. Please read through this Nature career column writeup: https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-00948-7

Do you frequently ask about your family members’ jobs and professional lives? Do you know about all of their accomplishments and goings-on at work? If you’re constantly talking about their job and work accomplishments, but the conversation never turns to your professional life, then you can try to drop your own professional anecdotes in the conversation to let them know you’re in the ‘adult world’ now and can relate. I’m in a PhD program. My extended family talks about our professional lives sometimes but mostly we like to talk about family stuff or other fun stuff. Which seems pretty normal to me. I don’t think most of them even remember I’m in a PhD program. I sometimes discuss it with parents and siblings, mostly because sometimes we have to plan around my study schedule. They all had to go through job training for their job. What’s so exceptional about me going through job training for mine (which essentially is what a PhD *is* - job training for academia)? Don’t think of yourself as “at the top” just because you are in a PhD program. The only thing that differentiates you from others is that you chose to go into academia, and others chose to go into different fields (that are just as worthwhile). Someone who knows their field inside and out, has the respect of their peers, and brings positive changes to their workplace - that’s someone who is “at the top” - whether they’re a plumber, a teacher, an engineer, or a secretary. I’m sure your family is proud of you even if they don’t bring it up all the time. They probably just see you as an adult now. And adults don’t get as much constant praise as kids. But you don’t need that anymore anyway, because you’re doing this for yourself, to train for your job.

nu4wlg

askacademia_train

How to be happy for getting accepted in PhD when it seems like family and friends can't relate? Hi guys, So I'm a first year phD in the Social Sciences and I've been struggling to be happy for myself and celebrate my accomplishments without the enthusiastic support of my family and some friends? Being the first PhD in my family from an inner city and female and African American, I feel like none of my inner family can relate and are so busy trying to get by the don't have the bandwidth to be truly happy for me and express support. Personally, I am proud of myself as I am fully funded and received additional external fellowship, but I am truly disappointed. It seems lonely at the "top". I worked so hard to get in and stay in during the pandemic but my family just doesn't seem to care and I want to be able to celebrate with them and feel loved/support. This is just not what I expected. It feels like the further along I move in my education the more I alienate or distinguish myself from "normal" non academic peers and family/friends. Do you all have any advice on this subject?

h0ydn1m

h0y722z

Do you frequently ask about your family members’ jobs and professional lives? Do you know about all of their accomplishments and goings-on at work? If you’re constantly talking about their job and work accomplishments, but the conversation never turns to your professional life, then you can try to drop your own professional anecdotes in the conversation to let them know you’re in the ‘adult world’ now and can relate. I’m in a PhD program. My extended family talks about our professional lives sometimes but mostly we like to talk about family stuff or other fun stuff. Which seems pretty normal to me. I don’t think most of them even remember I’m in a PhD program. I sometimes discuss it with parents and siblings, mostly because sometimes we have to plan around my study schedule. They all had to go through job training for their job. What’s so exceptional about me going through job training for mine (which essentially is what a PhD *is* - job training for academia)? Don’t think of yourself as “at the top” just because you are in a PhD program. The only thing that differentiates you from others is that you chose to go into academia, and others chose to go into different fields (that are just as worthwhile). Someone who knows their field inside and out, has the respect of their peers, and brings positive changes to their workplace - that’s someone who is “at the top” - whether they’re a plumber, a teacher, an engineer, or a secretary. I’m sure your family is proud of you even if they don’t bring it up all the time. They probably just see you as an adult now. And adults don’t get as much constant praise as kids. But you don’t need that anymore anyway, because you’re doing this for yourself, to train for your job.

the least i can do is: CONGRATULATIONS!!! ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆