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I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today

I was at the shopping maul

Why don't the baby squid like to play with the baby hermit crab

They think he's shellfish

What do you call Santa's little helpers. Subordinate Clauses

Merry Christmas

My son dad joked my dad. My dad was setting my son up to use the potty at his house. Son: sometimes I pee and my pee goes the wrong way Dad: ohh well, then what does your mom do

Son: she pees just normal

Why is 6 afraid of 7

(The answer is not what you're thinking) Not what you're thinking

My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer

I told him it's much easier to woo a cake

I have a serious problem. I just have to slap everyones ass, as soon as I see them Last week, I was out walking when i met Dwayne Johnson

That's the time I realized I had hit rock bottom

Who made King Arthur's round table

Circumference

When do jokes become dad jokes

When the punchline becomes apparent

C, E-flat and G walk in to a bar

The bartenders says sorry we don't allow minors in here

Two termites walk into a bar

And one of them asks, is the bartender here?

I always avoid the gym for the first 3 weeks of the year. Which is really no different than what

I do on the other 49 weeks

What it the capital of Hungary

Starving

I have no need for a pocket calculator

I almost always know how many pockets I have

What are the chocolate bar's preferred pronouns

Her-She

I hate the alphabet so much,. I'm thinking about burning an. F or

G.

Told my dad that the cat caught a. June bug. He responded with I guess it will never be a

July bug

What do you call it when a pirate climaxes an

Arrgasm.

A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchens where a brother is frying chips… Are you the friar. he asked. The brother replied No

I'm the chip monk

What does Olive Garden serve on Halloween

Fettuccini Afraid-O

cutting bell peppers wife: I need you to cut out the seeds from these bell peppers me: why do you want them to be trees. wife: wat

me: that would make them de-seed-uous wife: >:^(

Mocking birds are terrible at social media

All they ever do is retweet

My wife came up with this classic - What do you call a sick bird from Mars

An ill eagle alien Our five year old animal enthusiast obviously didn't get it, but she was very proud of herself for making it up

My family must be getting tired of listening to me talk about creating computer parts

I made my own mother bored

When I gave my dad his 51st father's day card he told me

to stop re-posting this used joke, and get some actual talent

My friend got mad at me yesterday and I don't know why

He had just picked up a sewing machine and was telling me how exited he was to start sewing, so naturally I asked: Sew what

MySpace Dad Joke So this happened to me a loooong time ago when MySpace was still a thing. I was about 15 at the time. I'm sitting at the computer browsing MySpace when my dad comes up behind me. Dad: Hmm. Is that MySpace. Me: Uhh. Yeah. Dad: NO. That's YOURspace

Hahahahhahah

One from my Archaeologist pop. Dad: *picking up a regular rock* You know this is a Native American sexstone. Me: How come

Dad: It's just a fucking rock

I ate a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat

I've ever had

My girlfriend and I aren't planning on having kids, but I'm getting my practice in, just in case. http://i. imgur. com/HzvDgNN

png

A podiatrist is alone in the woods

He hears a strange rustling in the bushes and says Something is afoot

A Russian couple is arguing about the weather. One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist. To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion. Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement. Is it raining, or not. Rudolph replies, It is raining. I knew we could depend on you, Comrade

You see, he says to his partner, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Why are wasps nastier than bees

Because they can't beehive

“May I have your finest scotch please. ”, I asked the guy behind the counter

“It’s just a roll of tape, sir,” said the cashier at Staples

I may be overweight, but. I care about fitness

Fit’ness pizza in my mouth

Why does Santa's balls hurt

He only gets to empty his sack once a year

I was fired from my cozy government job for wearing a tank top

I forgot that you’re not allowed to bring guns on government property

What does a Russian aircraft do when its engines get too cold

It starts Stalin

What did one eye say to the other. ya know

Between you and me, something smells

My 2 year old got into the act This morning, as I was getting dressed, my 2 year old son said to me, I'm hungry. I went for the easy joke, Hi hungry, I'm dad

Without missing a beat, he replied: hi dad, I'm hungry

He cracked up at this one. Me: My phone died

Dad: Have you tried CPR: Cell Phone Resuscitation

Next time I take my daughter to get yearly check up, I'm keeping my mouth shut As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks are you here for an appointment. I replied without hesitation & confusion umm, no my daughter is

The blank stare was enough

What style of music ocean creatures like the most

Aquapella

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high

She looked surprised

Every naked person I see, turns me on

Said the shower head

My wife was surprised to see me wearing a sombrero in all my high school graduation photos

I had to explain— it was my Senor year

A father cooks dinner. Dad : I'm going to put a chicken pie in the oven for dinner. Son : How long will it be until it's cooked

Dad : About 20cm, but it will still be the same size when it's cooked

New species of gazelle found jumps higher than the average house

Mainly because the average house cannot jump

Why is racism okay on a Mac

It's not P

I would tell you a pun about gymnasts, but

It’s a bit of a stretch

What's a duck's favorite drug

Quack cocaine

A log was lying to a lumberjack

But they saw right through it

Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying Employees must wash hands

But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine

Autumn is most people's favorite season

It is like it is the de-fall-t

I. Asked. My. Dad. What. His. Goal. Was. Response:

To live for ever, or die trying.

Why is waking up at 3AM like a pigs tail

It's Tw'early

I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard

I said toucan play that game.

After my first child was born I went to have a drink with my father. He said to me Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this . Dad, you don't mean the. Yes son , he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'. With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said Dad, I'm honoured

Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad

When dad gets home from the hospital. So my pops is in the hospital pretty often lately, but he seems to still have a sense of humor about it. While I was eating dinner with him, he told me a story of his triumph earlier. A nurse walks into his room, and tells him she's going to take his vitals. He looks her straight in the eye and says, Sure, as long as you give them back when you're done with them

I look over at him and sigh the longest sigh I have all day, haha

Why do cows have hooves and not feet

Because they lactose

My. Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him. Eventually

I folded

My dad's anti-jokes What do you call an alpaca on the moon. An alpaca What time do dogs take their coffee breaks. They don't

Dogs don't have jobs

My friend asked if. I’ve ever seen space jam

I told him that it happens every now and then

Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle

It’s Eeleagle

What did the chair say to the other chair

My legs hurt

My girlfriend found out today she was using the less common spelling for describing an outgoing person, but insisted she would keep using it anyways

I told her it was nothing but an extra version

So my Dad got out of the shower. He turns to me and says Hey, what is the best way to care for a layered haircut. I said I didn't know and he responds with

No more tiers shampoo

Dad joked the janitor at my new job I was in the elevator with the janitor, who was cleaning the glass inside the elevator

I looked at her and said I bet this job has it's ups and downs She didn't even chuckle :(

My dad asked me why I had a pair of socks in my glove compartment. “You never know when you’ll need a dry pair of socks” I told him

“Sure you do, when the ones your wearing get wet

Had a triple whammy on my girlfriend the other night. We had went out for a nice and polite Canadian supper, and after looking at the menu for a while. Her- Wow the penny lane sounds good. Me- Meh, I'm more of a nickel or dime lane kinda guy. Her- Wow. was that worth it. Me- Well its called the penny lane, and we don't use pennies as currency anymore, so no, it wasn't worth anything. Her- . You're crazy. Me- You better send me to looney lane then

Groans followed

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying This isn't working, goodbye What a liar

I opened the fridge and it's working just fine

What is the almost coolest vegetable

Rad-ish

What do you call when you mix up ‘what’ with ‘who’

An English teacher

So I had this conversation with a friend He asked: What's your favorite movie. I answered: It's About Time And then he asked: What's the movie about. I replied: It's about time Lastly, he asked: When should I stop asking questions that have the same answers

I answered: It's about time

I told my son he should tuck a ruler beneath his pillow

It's good to know how long you sleep

My second grade daughter got me today

Daughter: Hey Daddy, I got this new water bottle and it makes a cool noise Me: Hey, that's pretty cool, it sounds like a dolphin Daughter: I know, I'm doing it on porpoise Me: :rolleyes: Daughter *smirk* *giggle* *guffaw*

Growing up. I wanted to be a comedian. But,

I was afraid everyone would laugh at me

Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek. It’s 90108 ^

for ^our ^^lives ^^^to ^^^be ^^^over

What did the mountain climber name his son

Cliff

Crazy news; four pro football players arrested in. Pittsburgh today. They were

Steelers

The cops are warning us about a serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts

The police are saying that he’s still at large

When is it time to see the dentist

Tooth hurty

What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture

A humi-ditty

We were learning about musicians during the Baroque era when someone stopped the class to ask. Sir, I can't really get a Handel on all of this, can we go Bach a bit

I laughed, teacher rolled his eyes and kept talking as if it was never asked

My daughter was just gifted some avocado socks for her bday. I told her Now when you wear them, you can go for a guac . Growns all around the house

Success

What does Japanese bull say just before killing someone with its horns

Omaewa moo shindeiru

My son asked me if I was free this weekend

I said that I wasn't, but that I am on discount on weekdays

Dad joking the news I listen to the news on the radio in the morning. Any time they mention the World Health Organization, I frown and say Who. , whether or not anyone's around to hear it

Years later, I still find this funny

Dad, did you lose weight. Yes

Help me find it

What do you call a 60 year old Avatar

Boomer-Aang

Time flies like the wind

And fruit flies like bananas.

Sometimes. I tell my color blind friend what my vision is like

He's yellow with envy.

The judge at my trial found me guilty of being egotistical

I am appealing

I finally got my wife to watch Back to the future

I told her it's about time

My dad asked me why. I didn't think the mountains were funny

After all, they're pretty hill areas.

The weirdest thing happened today

First I picked up a hat with money in it Then I got chased by a guy with a guitar

What made Skrillex stop fishing. He would always drop the bass. P

Joke only works in text format

When the power of Dads combine. My dad took early retirement, and promptly joined a group called the [neighborhood's name] Men of Leisure. We had one of the other members, King Charming (because he's too old to be a prince), over for dinner one night

About halfway through the meal, my dad hits him with You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her read I thought I was going to watch that old man die

My dad celebrated last night with a glass of white wine http://i. imgur. com/WErRsZV

jpg Most people would call it milk

Why do all cobblers go to heaven

Because they spend their lives mending broken soles