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I asked my priest how he gets holy water
He said it’s just regular water, he just boils the hell out of it
Life Hack: If you play My Chemical Romance loud enough in your yard
your grass will cut itself
OMG. SISTERS. JAMES. CHARLES. IS. DOING. A
GIVEAWAY his career
Why did Mr. Potato Head get pulled over
He was baked
On zombie cravings. My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend. What do zombie plumbers crave. Draaaaains. What do zombie pilots crave. Planes. Plaaaanes. What do zombie conductors crave. Traaaains. What do zombie opthalmologists crave. Fraaames. What do zombie construction workers crave. Craaanes. What do zombie nurses crave. Paaains. What do vampires crave
Blood
My wife is really mad at the fact that. I have no sense of direction. So
I packed up my stuff and right
My dad made a joke in court. In court he had to prove that he had a relationship with his father by answering some questions about him. He was asked how his dad liked to have his pie. He replied with well with fork or spoon I would think
The judge laughed
Back when. I was in a band. I had a roadie that was from. Poland. I also had a
Czech one too, czech one too
How did the Mexican John Wick taste his Burrito
He took Juan Lick
My wife said, “Why do you always insist on walking ahead of the rest of us. ” I said, “Sorry
I don’t follow
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory
Hamnesia
I was reading a book on the History of Glue earlier
I couldn't put it down
My slow cooker. (x post /r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/osGKwl5
jpg
My GFs Dad commented on my Facebook Pic http://imgur
com/sTv7AMC
How did the programmer get high
By doing lines of code
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle. Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question
dogs can't whistle
Why are feet so great
Because they are living legends
What did the black duck call the white ducks
Quackas
Little did. Trump know before he became
President... .
Learn from your parents mistakes
Use birth control
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit
I guess the pervert thinks of them as sex cymbals
What goes 99 bonk
A centipede with a wooden leg
I was starting to get concerned that my pony was having trouble neighing. Then
I realized it’s probably because he’s just a little horse
If money doesn't grow on trees
then why do banks have branches
I showed. Reddit to my gf, now she hangs here all day long
I kinda regreddit...
The other day I was second guessing my decision to book time to visit a Native American community
It was a reservation reservation reservation
Do you know where I store all these dad jokes
In my dadabase
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a turban made out of paper towels. Bartender: What the hell
Pirate: Arrr, there is a Bounty on me head
Grandpa hit me with this one while we were hoeing around some trees. We were cutting out some weeds and the handle of his favorite hoe broke in two pieces. He said Oh man that was my favorite hoe. At least I've still got your grandmother
Good one grandpa
To the person who stole my glasses. Remember,
I have contacts
Why do you measure a snake in inches
Because they don’t have any feet
Last night I dreamt that I was a muffler on a car
Woke up exhausted
And everybody's invited. Taking a shit. Daughter and dog come storming through the door and want to hang out in the bathroom. Mom asks what's going on
It's a real shit show in here
“I’ll call you later. ” “Please don’t do that
I’ve always asked you to call me Dad
Yesterday. I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says. I'm okay, but. I feel like
I've dyed a little inside.
I had a job interview at the zoo yesterday They didn't hire me
They said I was underkoalafied
I got some good tips on how to spice my roast chicken I guess you could say it was
sage advice
What do kids learn at pirate school
The three arrrs
If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes
You need to let that mango
Remember when air at the gas station used to be free. Now it costs 25 cents, 50 cents, I've even seen a dollar at one place. You know why they started charging for it
Inflation
I had a joke about alzheimers. But
I forgot the punchline
I had a dream I was a car
I woke up exhausted
Everytime we are at a restaurant. Waiter/waitress: sir how would you like your (eggs, burger, ect). Dad: orally please
Still cracks me up every time
Heh. http://i. imgur. com/PB7NuVc
jpg
How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi
There there, they're there
Dad joked by a girl graduating to become a labor and delivery nurse
Her graduation cap read: L&D nurse, at your cervix
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was . My response was Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef
Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room
How do you know if there's ducks in your roof
There's quacks in the ceiling
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator in three steps. Open the refrigerator door 2. Put the elephant in 3
Close the refrigerator door
My grandfather sat me down for a talk. He put his hand on my shoulder and solemnly said, Guess who's back. Who
Yours
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass
Lawn-Forcement
Whats the best thing about free wigs
You don't have toupee for them
The furniture store won’t stop calling me
All I wanted was one night stand
How bad does my kids want to watch Shaun the Sheep
Really Ba-a-a-a-a-ad
The bartender said We don't serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
Me: Did you hear Reese ‘whats-her-name’ stabbed somebody. Kids: Witherspoon
Me: No, with a knife
How do you find Will Smith in the snow
You look for fresh prints
What do you call Dracula with hayfever
The pollen count
How do you catch a mag fish
With a magnet
A pun walks into a room and kills ten people
Pun in, ten dead
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks
In case I get a hole in one
I sat at the park for 3 hours today just staring at a frog
It was ribbiting
You know what’s odd
Every other number
This hipster got upset when his man bun was cut off
He really lost his cool
What kinds of bird never has babies
A swallow
Got dad joked hard while shopping yesterday My dad and I go up to the cash register at a clothing store to pay for some shorts. My dad asks the cashier Do you take chips
(Credit card chip readers) Without hesitation the cashier goes Yes sir and we have salsa to go with that and holds up a fresh jar of salsa from behind the register
A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks
Do you sell flip flips
What’s a communist’s favorite unit of time
Hours
My girlfriend makes costumes for my university's drama department. One day I asked her. Is something wrong
You seamstressed
Where can you read about planets exploding
In the orbituaries
What do you call the first Hawaiian in space
A Coconaut
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road
It got stuck in a crack
My doctors name is Peter Parker
But I just call him Web MD
A fruit fly lands on my iPhone. I shoo it away and it keeps coming back. Me: this fruit fly won't leave my phone alone. It keeps coming back
Boyfriend: Well, it is an apple
When my family went to France I made sure we avoided the Eiffel tower because I was afraid it would suck our blood
It is a Paris site
What do you call a fake noodle
An impasta
Don't spell part backwards
It's a trap
My dad just dropped this on my sister. Sister:. Dammit my computer keeps freezing. Dad: put a little sweater on it. Then her and
I let out groans
I was running a bath the other day and had to pop to the kitchen quickly, my gf shouted after me: Don't leave the bath running
I shouted back at her: Don't worry; it won't get very far
How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Don't throw sodium chloride at people
That's a salt
When the nurses ask me how tall. I am. I tell them 5’10. I used to be taller but
I got married and settled down.
What's a dog's least favorite Christmas song
Fleas Navidad
What does a Norse god do when they don’t want to attract attention
They stay low key (Loki)
One of us is possessed by an owl Son: who
Me: found it
My biology teacher asked What's heavier, the Indian or African elephant
I said The elephant obviously
My friend glued both his hands to his pistols. Everyone told him it was a bad idea, but he insisted they were all wrong
He's sticking to his guns
I was playing Trivia Crack, and I (jokingly) asked out loud which state Philadelphia is in
My dad said decay
What do you call a dog with no legs
Doesn’t matter, he won’t come when he’s called anyway
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head. When
I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I admit to everyone on here that. I have a masterbation addiction
It’s cumpulsive
Customer at work paid with $100 bill and ask for his change in smaller bills
Sorry sir, all the bills are the same size
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music. I think it’s the
Chopin board.
Customer contemplates buying a cord and then says: Don't know if it'll work but might as well take a shot
Lincoln did
Conjunctivitis
com Now that's a site for sore eyes
What do your call a campground you just drove by
Past tents
How did the hot dog ask out his crush
He mustard up the courage
Why was Yoda afraid of seven
Because six, seven eight
What is a birds favourite port on the back of a TV
AV in