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dadjokes

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Why don't eggs tell jokes

Because they would crack each other up

I've almost completed a crossword. I was wondering if you could help me, I told this girl on the train. I just need one more word. Six letters. another word for 'material'. She said, That's fabric. It's pretty great, isn't it. I replied

But my name isn't Rick

I dreamt that I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda

Turned out to be a Fanta sea

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some chapstick

The bartender says, that'll be $1 The duck says Ok, put it on my bill

Why did the lettuce blush. Because it saw the salad dressing

Shout out my dad for making fantastic jokes and repeating them >100 times

What do you call a jerk starfish. A son of a beach

Im so sorry

Babe can you move over. But I don't have mushroom. https://pbs. twimg. com/media/C1YAA2xXAAE0Tcx

jpg

I lost my whole. Lord of. The. Rings. Lego set. Now. I'm

Legoless

I asked my Dad if I could have pets and he refused

He said that pets are just a step backward

What are the strongest days

Saturday and Sunday because the others are week days

Did you hear about the wookie cookie

Well I've heard it's kinda chewy

As my wife is cooking. WIFE: (Reading instructions) Crush the garlic. ME: Here, I'll help. (To Garlic) You'll never make it in Hollywood. You're too short to be an actor

WIFE: I dislike you

A hispanic magician tells his audience he will vanish on the count of three. he counts, uno, dos, then disappears without a tres

Saw this somewhere online, thought it belonged here

So I told my son the worst thing about defeat is

de smell

Dad joke upon checkout in retail Store clerk: Can I get an email address. Me: Sure. Go to gmail. com and click “register

” You can make up pretty much anything you want

How did the sheep stop the crook

Shear wool power

Why did the moon hide itself when it cried

It was in mourning

A guy walks into a zoo but the only thing in it is a dog. It’s. A

Shitzu

6:30 is the best time,

Hands down!

GF hit me with this one Me: Oh look, honey. There's a stray cat. Hello Mr. Cat. Cat: (ignores) GF: Wow that was rude. Guess he's used to getting

catcalled

My dad adopted a puppy today and wants to name him ‘Stay’

That way he can spend all day saying “Come, Stay”, “Go, Stay”, “Fetch, Stay” and “Stay, Stay”

What the definition of a will

It's a dead giveaway

A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it Rary as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in

As they look over the edge, the mother comments: It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage

I lost my case

What is the least spoken language in the world

Sign language

A fastidious fry cook at a local friend chicken joint had a different cutting board for every part of the chicken. One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered

He said, Well, back to the old raw wing board

Waitress: Waitress: My name's Blue Ann if you need anything

Brother: What's your name if we don't need anything

What do you call the owner of a bicycle store

A spokesperson

When birds are flying in a V, why is one line always longer

There are more birds in that line

Did you hear about the sprite can that jumped into the can crusher

I hear he was soda pressed

NSFW (. ) Dad jokes I made with my wife last night Me: I know I'm always the big spoon and you're always the little spoon but I'd like to do something unusual tonight. Her: What. Me: Fork you   Her: Do you have a boner. Me: Oh, you know what they say about boners. Her: What

Me: They come and go

Did you hear about the cow who flew away in the tornado

What a udder disaster

Post Op Dad Joke I called my dad the day after he had major back surgery and asked him how he felt

His response: With my hands

Always happy What kind of people are always happy

Nomads

Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival

Date: that's fair

Dad joked my wife. She got me back. Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation. Her: We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods. Me: Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting. Her: What do you mean. Me: Because you eat staples

Her: Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow

I wouldn't want a job working at a glue factory. Because

I'd probably get stuck working there.

Toyota drops his car keys

So Mercedes-Benz over to pick them up

What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday

Aye matey

Look, I hate waiting in lines as much as the next guy

Actually, he probably hates it slightly more

A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club. But

I'd never met herbivore.

Dad joke my dad used to tell me. old joke A Japanese auto company was looking for a name for their new company. Knowing the importance for the name they called the famous German marketing firm and flew him out for a meeting. At the end of the presentation the Japanese CEO asked if he had any questions. The German: How quickly do you need the new name Japanese CEO: 48 hours German: Dat-Soon

Ba da ba Yes it was a groaner Edit: formatting fell through

What did the alphabet say to the letter Q

You're a weird-O

If Brazil nuts come from Brazil. I don't wanna know where peanuts come from

(this joke only works orally)

I gave my kid cheap deli meat for lunch. After eating a whole bunch, he said I'm hungry

I replied, you're full of balogna.

My therapist handed me a brochure on anger management yesterday

I just lost it

Did you hear about the circus fire

It was intents

I've been told I have a really cheesy sense of humor

but personally I think it's really Gouda (Helps to read with Canadian accent)

My son's ant colony died and he wanted me to say something at their funeral

I said restaurants

Got my kids at breakfast with a solid one. My wife makes a great Dutch baby (She happens to be Dutch herself, so the obvious jokes fly around. For the unfamiliar, [this](https://i. ytimg. com/vi/kyxEFj7bgHI/maxresdefault. jpg) is a Dutch baby, and it's awesome. ) So my kids are all expectantly sitting at the table when she sets down the piping hot cast-iron pan full of delectable pastry. *Nine year old son:* I love Dutch baby. It comes out super hot. *Me:* Yeah, just about womb temperature

*Cue groans and eye-rolls from all family members

Why did the tomato blush

Because it saw the salad dressing

Just got back from seeing. Warcraft:. The. Beginning

WOW

My friend. David lost his. ID. He's just

Dave now

Where did Noah store the bees

The Ark Hives

This past weekend I spent several hours making intricate little miniature watches for each of my fingers

That's when I realized I had too much time on my hands

Did you hear about the couple that won the hide and seek world championship

Their names are Luke and Heidi

What religion is Chewbacca. He is *Chew-ish

* (Took this from a friend)

I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me

I’m dead Sirius

Husband packed toddlers lunch for preschool and we’re low on groceries. “What did you pack for him. Did you get the turkey, cheese, raspberries and cucumber we had left in the fridge. “ “Yep” “Cool beans. ” “No, no beans

” He was so proud of himself

To the person who stole my. Microsoft. Word,. I will find you. You have my

Word

After one bedtime story a son asks his father, “Another story, Daddy. ” The father replies. “Ok, but after that, no more

Remember: we live in a two-storey house

What do cat hitmen say when before they kill someone

It’s nothing purrsonale

A man forgot his keys but managed to open his car door with just his pants. How

He was wearing khakis

What do you call a fish with a medical degree

A sturgeon general

I took a picture of my son when he was tired. http://i. imgur. com/bTb1QMQ

jpg

You ever tried to cut the legs off of a dolphin

It defeats the porpoise

Did you hear that Sponge Bob broke up with his girlfriend

He's back to square one

What's red and smells like blue paint

Red paint

Why is the thorn bush the rastafarian's favorite plant

Because it pokey mon'

dad: Ok- see you on the first. anyone: the first of what. dad: first chance I get. ::dad laugh:: my father actually uses this to anyone from cashier at store to contractor/vendors he uses

smh

Why should you never make an award shaped like a feline rear end

It's always a cat-as-trophe

What's the best time to go see the dentist

Tooth-hurty

I bought a dog from a blacksmiths today

As soon as i was home,he made a bolt for the door

Me: Someone said you sound like an owl Friend: who Me: Exactly. Credits to friend who did it on me

Still angry

It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs

Because they always take things literally.

my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke I love my boss. every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD . and then he looks at me expectantly . and I dutifully reply that's because it was just GROUND this morning

The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

I had an idea for a boomerang joke. Oh well

It will come back to me

I tried to explain my friend how balls bounce

It went over his head

P Boiling Water

You will be mist

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went to college

Bison

A trillion neutrinos walk into a bar

One says ouch

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for

Plastic explosives

What's water squared

Ice cube

Just a reminder, Father’s Day is Sunday

Not this Sunday, but it is on a Sunday this year

The Peanuts kids had to choose a country out of hat for a book report. Peppermint Patty: I got France. Linus: I got Spain

Charlie Brown: I got Iraq

What would you call chickens on parade

A fowl movement

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide

It's too cold to wash them out-tide

Ever since I've needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back

How do Pirates treat sunburn

ALOE, POPPET

“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” I have the solution for you, replied the doctor. Really, what is it

“Well, try getting up half an hour later

An old lady walks into her bank and asks the teller Hey sonny, can you check my balance

So he pushed her over

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon

I’ll let you know

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometer Cyrus

What are the two most profane bones in the human body

The blas*femur*s

Oh geez it's late. Lettuce go home

said the salad

What did the banana do after he got into his car

He PEELED out

What's a ghost's favorite data type

Boolean

What do you call a snobish criminal going down the stairs

A condescending con descending

Brother's video card died from listening to too much. Pandora

Radio killed the video card

Why do scuba divers roll backwards into the water

because if they rolled forward, they'd just go back into the boat