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Why don't eggs tell jokes
Because they would crack each other up
I've almost completed a crossword. I was wondering if you could help me, I told this girl on the train. I just need one more word. Six letters. another word for 'material'. She said, That's fabric. It's pretty great, isn't it. I replied
But my name isn't Rick
I dreamt that I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda
Turned out to be a Fanta sea
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some chapstick
The bartender says, that'll be $1 The duck says Ok, put it on my bill
Why did the lettuce blush. Because it saw the salad dressing
Shout out my dad for making fantastic jokes and repeating them >100 times
What do you call a jerk starfish. A son of a beach
Im so sorry
Babe can you move over. But I don't have mushroom. https://pbs. twimg. com/media/C1YAA2xXAAE0Tcx
jpg
I lost my whole. Lord of. The. Rings. Lego set. Now. I'm
Legoless
I asked my Dad if I could have pets and he refused
He said that pets are just a step backward
What are the strongest days
Saturday and Sunday because the others are week days
Did you hear about the wookie cookie
Well I've heard it's kinda chewy
As my wife is cooking. WIFE: (Reading instructions) Crush the garlic. ME: Here, I'll help. (To Garlic) You'll never make it in Hollywood. You're too short to be an actor
WIFE: I dislike you
A hispanic magician tells his audience he will vanish on the count of three. he counts, uno, dos, then disappears without a tres
Saw this somewhere online, thought it belonged here
So I told my son the worst thing about defeat is
de smell
Dad joke upon checkout in retail Store clerk: Can I get an email address. Me: Sure. Go to gmail. com and click “register
” You can make up pretty much anything you want
How did the sheep stop the crook
Shear wool power
Why did the moon hide itself when it cried
It was in mourning
A guy walks into a zoo but the only thing in it is a dog. It’s. A
Shitzu
6:30 is the best time,
Hands down!
GF hit me with this one Me: Oh look, honey. There's a stray cat. Hello Mr. Cat. Cat: (ignores) GF: Wow that was rude. Guess he's used to getting
catcalled
My dad adopted a puppy today and wants to name him ‘Stay’
That way he can spend all day saying “Come, Stay”, “Go, Stay”, “Fetch, Stay” and “Stay, Stay”
What the definition of a will
It's a dead giveaway
A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it Rary as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in
As they look over the edge, the mother comments: It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
I lost my case
What is the least spoken language in the world
Sign language
A fastidious fry cook at a local friend chicken joint had a different cutting board for every part of the chicken. One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered
He said, Well, back to the old raw wing board
Waitress: Waitress: My name's Blue Ann if you need anything
Brother: What's your name if we don't need anything
What do you call the owner of a bicycle store
A spokesperson
When birds are flying in a V, why is one line always longer
There are more birds in that line
Did you hear about the sprite can that jumped into the can crusher
I hear he was soda pressed
NSFW (. ) Dad jokes I made with my wife last night Me: I know I'm always the big spoon and you're always the little spoon but I'd like to do something unusual tonight. Her: What. Me: Fork you   Her: Do you have a boner. Me: Oh, you know what they say about boners. Her: What
Me: They come and go
Did you hear about the cow who flew away in the tornado
What a udder disaster
Post Op Dad Joke I called my dad the day after he had major back surgery and asked him how he felt
His response: With my hands
Always happy What kind of people are always happy
Nomads
Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival
Date: that's fair
Dad joked my wife. She got me back. Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation. Her: We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods. Me: Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting. Her: What do you mean. Me: Because you eat staples
Her: Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow
I wouldn't want a job working at a glue factory. Because
I'd probably get stuck working there.
Toyota drops his car keys
So Mercedes-Benz over to pick them up
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday
Aye matey
Look, I hate waiting in lines as much as the next guy
Actually, he probably hates it slightly more
A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club. But
I'd never met herbivore.
Dad joke my dad used to tell me. old joke A Japanese auto company was looking for a name for their new company. Knowing the importance for the name they called the famous German marketing firm and flew him out for a meeting. At the end of the presentation the Japanese CEO asked if he had any questions. The German: How quickly do you need the new name Japanese CEO: 48 hours German: Dat-Soon
Ba da ba Yes it was a groaner Edit: formatting fell through
What did the alphabet say to the letter Q
You're a weird-O
If Brazil nuts come from Brazil. I don't wanna know where peanuts come from
(this joke only works orally)
I gave my kid cheap deli meat for lunch. After eating a whole bunch, he said I'm hungry
I replied, you're full of balogna.
My therapist handed me a brochure on anger management yesterday
I just lost it
Did you hear about the circus fire
It was intents
I've been told I have a really cheesy sense of humor
but personally I think it's really Gouda (Helps to read with Canadian accent)
My son's ant colony died and he wanted me to say something at their funeral
I said restaurants
Got my kids at breakfast with a solid one. My wife makes a great Dutch baby (She happens to be Dutch herself, so the obvious jokes fly around. For the unfamiliar, [this](https://i. ytimg. com/vi/kyxEFj7bgHI/maxresdefault. jpg) is a Dutch baby, and it's awesome. ) So my kids are all expectantly sitting at the table when she sets down the piping hot cast-iron pan full of delectable pastry. *Nine year old son:* I love Dutch baby. It comes out super hot. *Me:* Yeah, just about womb temperature
*Cue groans and eye-rolls from all family members
Why did the tomato blush
Because it saw the salad dressing
Just got back from seeing. Warcraft:. The. Beginning
WOW
My friend. David lost his. ID. He's just
Dave now
Where did Noah store the bees
The Ark Hives
This past weekend I spent several hours making intricate little miniature watches for each of my fingers
That's when I realized I had too much time on my hands
Did you hear about the couple that won the hide and seek world championship
Their names are Luke and Heidi
What religion is Chewbacca. He is *Chew-ish
* (Took this from a friend)
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me
I’m dead Sirius
Husband packed toddlers lunch for preschool and we’re low on groceries. “What did you pack for him. Did you get the turkey, cheese, raspberries and cucumber we had left in the fridge. “ “Yep” “Cool beans. ” “No, no beans
” He was so proud of himself
To the person who stole my. Microsoft. Word,. I will find you. You have my
Word
After one bedtime story a son asks his father, “Another story, Daddy. ” The father replies. “Ok, but after that, no more
Remember: we live in a two-storey house
What do cat hitmen say when before they kill someone
It’s nothing purrsonale
A man forgot his keys but managed to open his car door with just his pants. How
He was wearing khakis
What do you call a fish with a medical degree
A sturgeon general
I took a picture of my son when he was tired. http://i. imgur. com/bTb1QMQ
jpg
You ever tried to cut the legs off of a dolphin
It defeats the porpoise
Did you hear that Sponge Bob broke up with his girlfriend
He's back to square one
What's red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
Why is the thorn bush the rastafarian's favorite plant
Because it pokey mon'
dad: Ok- see you on the first. anyone: the first of what. dad: first chance I get. ::dad laugh:: my father actually uses this to anyone from cashier at store to contractor/vendors he uses
smh
Why should you never make an award shaped like a feline rear end
It's always a cat-as-trophe
What's the best time to go see the dentist
Tooth-hurty
I bought a dog from a blacksmiths today
As soon as i was home,he made a bolt for the door
Me: Someone said you sound like an owl Friend: who Me: Exactly. Credits to friend who did it on me
Still angry
It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs
Because they always take things literally.
my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke I love my boss. every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD . and then he looks at me expectantly . and I dutifully reply that's because it was just GROUND this morning
The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked
I had an idea for a boomerang joke. Oh well
It will come back to me
I tried to explain my friend how balls bounce
It went over his head
P Boiling Water
You will be mist
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went to college
Bison
A trillion neutrinos walk into a bar
One says ouch
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for
Plastic explosives
What's water squared
Ice cube
Just a reminder, Father’s Day is Sunday
Not this Sunday, but it is on a Sunday this year
The Peanuts kids had to choose a country out of hat for a book report. Peppermint Patty: I got France. Linus: I got Spain
Charlie Brown: I got Iraq
What would you call chickens on parade
A fowl movement
Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide
It's too cold to wash them out-tide
Ever since I've needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
How do Pirates treat sunburn
ALOE, POPPET
“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” I have the solution for you, replied the doctor. Really, what is it
“Well, try getting up half an hour later
An old lady walks into her bank and asks the teller Hey sonny, can you check my balance
So he pushed her over
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon
I’ll let you know
What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe
Kilometer Cyrus
What are the two most profane bones in the human body
The blas*femur*s
Oh geez it's late. Lettuce go home
said the salad
What did the banana do after he got into his car
He PEELED out
What's a ghost's favorite data type
Boolean
What do you call a snobish criminal going down the stairs
A condescending con descending
Brother's video card died from listening to too much. Pandora
Radio killed the video card
Why do scuba divers roll backwards into the water
because if they rolled forward, they'd just go back into the boat