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Just rescued a dog from a retired blacksmith

First thing he did when we got him home was make a bolt for the door

Endgame Spoilers Endgame Spoilers

At the end of the film Tony says I am Ironman His line should have been Hi Inevitable, I'm a Dad

If only my daughter were old enough to understand her eyes would have been rolling. My daughter is almosr 3. She has a mirror with a princess crown around it. She was playing with the mirror and putting it on her head. Daughter: Look daddy, my crown is so beautiful. Me: It is so beautiful. It's so beautiful I can almost see myself wearing it

Not my greatest, but I thought it was funny

My friend came up with a dad-worthy idea for a game. http://imgur

com/Q2aH0e1

Got a good one on my wife today I was pushing our two year old along the street in her push chair and let an s-bomb slip by accident. My wife says, don't talk like that in front of our daughter

It's fine, I'm walking behind her

The mountains aren't just funny, they're

Hill areas

I love making puns

It's so rewording.

Why did the coffee get in trouble

Because it was NotTea

I asked my son if he was hungry. Then

I gave him a mallet and a quarter, and said here’s a quarter pounder

To the person who stole my glasses

I can still drink from the bottle

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke

Thank goodness it was a soft drink

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants. The pirate says, Arrrr, I know

It's driving me nuts

I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning

So I called in slick for work today

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce

Chicken Caesar salad

Schrodinger’s cat recently went on a deadly crime spree

He is wanted dead and alive

In my defence I was super tired this morning and definitely not prepared for being dad-joked at 6am. I had just entered the kitchen and my dad was about to go out the front door, when he suddenly turned to me and simply said pussy . Me: for what. Dad: Pussy. Me: I don't get it. And THEN HE JUST WALKED AWAY giggling like he always does, and slammed the door

My last words were just echoing in my head after the complete silence he'd left me in, which made it so much more embarrassing

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon. I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute. When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, This is your thirty-second birthday. For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people

Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I have no clue what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

It's time for your martial arts class, son

Son: But, I don't even take won do

I think my brother is ready for kids. Everyone's freaking out that Matt Damon is bourne again, who cares what his religion is

He's just an actor

What do you call a russian cow

Moscow

What happens if you were attacked by Pikachu's lightning

You'd turn into *Ash*

What’s a cow’s favorite cheese

MOO-zzarella

My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me. I replied, 'of course it's thick

Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'

At first,. I didn't like my new haircut too much

But after a while, it started to grow on me.

So I reached a low point today. https://imgur

com/a/UCghi

My wife asked ifI could spell Mississippi

I said the river or the state

My friend is weirdly addicted to taking blurry pictures of him in the shower

He has serious selfie steam issues

Where do you see yourself in five years. Probably my bathroom

That's where I keep my mirror

Got me Taco Bell. http://imgur

com/kJMuEEy

I couldn't afford the trip to. Hawaii

I had to put it on leiaway

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was wrongly accused

Turns out he was in a cent

My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take

Don't join dangerous cults

Practice safe sects

What’s the worst part about racist jokes

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal

Dad Anti-joke This happened 20 years ago but it always stuck with me. My parents were leaving and the babysitter was there. She could hear the cat scratching in the litter box and said Uh Oh. looks like Tiger is digging for gold. Dad says Well I doubt she will find any gold in there Mom says Oh, did you clean the litter box today

Dad says No, I just think it is unlikely that she finds any gold in there

I'm addicted to oxygen

I tried to stop, but within a minute I was feeling blue

Gave my blind friend a cheese grater

He said it was the most violent story he's ever read

I'm a beekeeper. My 10yo son just got stung so I told him he's now part of the club. I asked if it was a good club. No he said

It bites

My kids were arguing about what to watch on Netflix, so I started yelling, “Vodka. Tequila. Whiskey

” “In this house, I call the shots

My boyfriend got me at the grocery store with this one We were in the produce section and a few leeks fell out of their display on to the floor. SO: Look

They're leeking

If a child refuses to go to sleep Is he resisting a rest

No, he's avoiding a kid napping

What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot

Don’t worry about him, he’s just a product of our times

Why did the can crusher quit his job

It was soda pressing

What is a DJs favorite vegetable

A turnip

What do astronauts say when they want to end their relationships

I need some space

Kid who sits next to me in math class caught me off guard The guy who sits next to me in calc was staring intently at his lemonade bottle and he says, This says it's not from concentrate

We'll see how long that lasts

How did you perceive this joke

You reddit

I lost my wife’s audiobook

and now I’ll never hear the end of it

I am in class, with a map of France in front of me. So I turn to my neighbour and say: It's been Toulon since we talked. Him: Don't. Me: And I just don't want Toulouse touch. Him: Please stop

Me: Nevers

My wife told me that men in camouflage look really sexy

I just don’t see it

I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto

His look was pasty

Dadjoked by dad when cleaning our computers Me: Do you know if we have any compressed air around so I can clean out our computers. Dad: There's a can of Raid here, but that probably wouldn't work too well. Me: Yeah probably not. Dad: BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY BUGS IN YOUR SYSTEM

I didn't even cringe I just laughed out loud because it was so good

I left the general store empty handed

I was looking for something specific

Why haven't the communists taken over yet

They're just *Stalin*

My keyboard fell apart today

I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything

While dining out my SO and I were talking about the demeanors of the various animals we eat. Her: Are cows nice. Me: Of course they are

That's why we tip them

My Freud loving friend keeps insisting that a pencil is a phallic symbol

I said, “No, but a pen is

Why was six afraid of seven

Because seven was a registered six offender

Why are fish easy to weigh

Because they have their own scales

7 YO daughter got me with this one today. What animal is best at closing holes

Seal EDIT: Both Mum and I groaned, but I told her I was incredibly proud of her

What do you call a Mexican midget

A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay

They're finally making a movie called Clocks

It's about time

It's been awhile, folks

I haven't posted ALL YEAR

I've been using an ointment recently

Let that soak in for a minute

Dad joked the New Years Resolution-ers at work A few of the new trainees approached me at work today and told me how part of their (and probably every other American's) New Years Resolutions were to get in better shape. They proceeded to ask me if I knew any gyms in the area

Naturally I responded, No, but I know a few James's Groaning ensued

I was fired from my job when I asked a customer if they wanted smoking or non-smoking

Apparently the correct terms are cremation or burial

When someone gets a migraine

Tell them, Don't worry it's only in your head

Being a teacher requires patience I was at a restaurant with a friend and my girlfriend yesterday for an early dinner and we started discussing the difficulties of being a teacher. My friend then said i just don't have the patience to be a teacher. I hesitated for a second, out of cowardice, but then replied with teachers have students, not patients. There were lots of cringes. My girlfriend actually laughed and then said aloud that she hated herself for doing so. I think she's a keeper

:)

Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day

Because they’re scent-imental creatures

Nock nock. Who's there

Bow string

I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine

It probably puts a strain on the staff

I made a great joke at the mandatory meeting today

You had to be there

There is a tragic story of two melons and their forbidden love

Their families found out and kept them apart and now they cantaloupe

Dad joked my buddy on a school report We were editing our report for a school project when my buddy tells me he can't spell today. Without missing a beat I reply, It's easy: t-o-d-a-y

His scowl was priceless

Why do bartenders have problems expressing their feelings

Because they're all bottled up

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much

I told them, Just you wait

What's a Pirates Favorite . Dad: what's a Pirates favorite crime. Me: uh . Dad: ARRRRson. What's a Pirates favorite type of socks. Me: I don't know dad. Dad: ARRRRgyle. What's a Pirates favorite branch of the military. Me: *rolling eyes* it's the ARRRRmy. Dad: *acting confused* No, it's the Navy. Why on earth would they like the army better

Hopefully not a repost but I very clearly remember getting caught by this one and stuttering with no response

Christmas Present http://d2me59s95dy7e. cloudfront. net/mobile/cartoons/2d/ea/00/99/368151efbfe34d8593c1c080716986c0

jpg

My friend said my jumper is camouflage. But

I can't see it

When talking about why Santa doesn't have any kids. Girl: why doesn't Santa have kids

Me: his wife already went through menoclause Girl: *groans*

Dad, can you do my math homework for me. No son, it wouldn't be right

Well, at least you could try

When my dad was quizing me on Geography: Which US state is round on the sides and high in the middle

OHIO

Light travels faster than sound

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Man, I really love furniture

Me and my recliner go way back

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday

AYE MATEY

I love. Clarence

He always has the best sales.

Two for one special on cat puns My mom was a single mother so I guess she gets to make Dad jokes. She sent me the following: > I was petting the cat and because of the cold dry air I was getting a lot of tiny shocks off her fur

I told [brother] this should be called catic electricity (he groaned) and then later I wondered if static electrikitty would be better

What do you call an engineer working away from home

An engi*far*

My husband: Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom. http://imgur

com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head

I get upset whenever I hear a, e, i, o, or u

Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome

I had a bad dream about. Sir. Lancelot

It was a knightmare

My friends keep telling me bird jokes

Toucan play at that game

Why did the stadium get hot after the game

Because all the fans left

When is a car not a car

When it turns into a driveway

My friend. Gavin died of heartburn the other day. I can’t believe

Gaviscon

(Got this one from my 4 year old) how do you make a tissue dance. Put a little boogie in it

Never been more proud

Why did the plane die

It had a terminal illness

[NSFW] I just finished my book about having sex with clocks

My publisher said it's about fucking time

Conditioner My wife was giving our four year old a bath, and she mentioned that I don't always use the tangerine conditioner on her hair. Wife: Daddy needs to use the conditioner every time her washes your hair. Daughter: Conditioner is made from oranges. They make it from the juice. Me: Yup. They make it from the Jews. That's why conditioner had such a holi cost

Wife: Why did I marry you