previous_character
stringlengths 2
334
| previous_dialogue
stringlengths 1
864
| character
stringclasses 1
value | dialogue
stringlengths 2
1.88k
|
|---|---|---|---|
GEORGE | I, I dont know. | JERRY | Do you wanna flip a coin? |
GEORGE | Who flips? Youll flip, Ill call. | JERRY | Okay, fine. (Jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) This is the official flip. No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and thats it. Agreed? |
ELAINE | I dont know, who to root for, Georges place has carpeting. | JERRY | All right, now you call it in the air. |
GEORGE | No catchin. | JERRY | No no. |
GEORGE | Heads! | JERRY | Tails! |
GEORGE | No, it hit the table, it hit the table. | JERRY | So what? |
GEORGE | Interference! You cant count that! Come on, are you crazy?! The coin cannot touch anything, it affects it. | JERRY | You didnt call no interference! |
GEORGE | You dont have to call that! Thats a rule! | JERRY | I dont believe this. |
GEORGE | Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it! | JERRY | I dont wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do you think? |
ELAINE | Id better not. | JERRY | Well, Ill tell you what. Ill choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...thats it, you gotta win three. |
GEORGE | Okay. (They walk around each other.) OK. Ill choose you. Whaddaya want? | JERRY | Odds. |
GEORGE | I want evens. | JERRY | Good. |
GEORGE | You got odds. | JERRY | You got evens. |
GEORGE | Right, ready? | JERRY | For the apartment. |
BOTH | Once, twice, three, shoot! | JERRY | Mine! |
GEORGE | Congratulations...congratulations. | JERRY | Thanks. |
KRAMER | Jerry, I think Im on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall? | JERRY | Yeah. |
KRAMER | The last couple a days hes been acting very strange. I think hes avoiding me. | JERRY | Hard to imagine. |
KRAMER | ..you know, very casually, | JERRY | Right. |
KRAMER | What stuff? | JERRY | Ooh, (to Elaine) case closed! |
KRAMER | No, you dont understand, you see, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, Im gonna go over there, Im gonna borrow some tea. If I dont get back in five minutes, maybe youd better call the police. | JERRY | Okay, starting...NOW! |
KRAMER | Yeah! | JERRY | One of the problems in life is that when youre a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, I got the front seat I wanted the front seat! I called it. And the other kid knows hes got nothing to say He called it. What can I do? If there was a Kid Court Of Law, it holds up. Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat And the judge would go, Did he call it? Well no, he didnt call- BANG! (Jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled. |
GEORGE | I love the mirror in that bathroom! I dont know what in the hell it is. I look terrific in that mirror. (George sits.) I dont know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner. | JERRY | Its a good mirror. (They look at their menus.) So, what are you gettin? |
GEORGE | I dont know, I cant eat. You, you cant have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this. Eggs out. Coffee out. French fries out. BLT out! I go to visit my grandparents three big brisket sandwiches, Im sittin here with a carrot! Theyre closing in on a hundred, Im sayin to them, How can you eat that stuff? (They look at their menus again.) Im so sick about losin that choose, you dont know. | JERRY | All right, forget it, forget it. Im not taking the place! |
GEORGE | What?! | JERRY | How can I live there? |
GEORGE | Why not?! | JERRY | Look at you, youre still thinking about it. Ill never feel comfortable. |
GEORGE | Oh, get outta here. | JERRY | How can I ever have you over? Youll sit there moping. |
GEORGE | I wont mope. | JERRY | Youre already moping! Would you take the place? |
GEORGE | No, impossible! Its your apartment. | JERRY | You found the place. |
GEORGE | You won the choose. | JERRY | All right, forget it, its over, Im not moving. |
GEORGE | Well, me neither. | JERRY | Definitely? |
GEORGE | Definitely. | JERRY | Alright, then just get rid of it. You wont have any problem. |
GEORGE | I dont know, what were doin here, this is ridiculous. | JERRY | She wanted to thank us for the apartment. |
ELAINE | I cant believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch. | JERRY | If only the coin hadnt hit the table. |
GEORGE | The table is interference, you know it! | JERRY | It is not! |
ELAINE | Couldnt be happier. | JERRY | Its wonderful. |
GEORGE | Nice meeting you. | JERRY | How late are the stores open? Im thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head. |
JERRY, GEORGE & ELAINE | Whats the rent? | JERRY | Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guys out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, its true, men hear a drill, its like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, Honey, I think Jims working on something over there. So they run over to the guy. Now they dont actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. Thats what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, What are you using, a Phillips-head? You know, we feel involved. Thats why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, thats just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they dont cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, thatll hold. |
GEORGE | I had to say something. (chuckles) I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something. | JERRY | I dont think you did anything wrong. |
GEORGE | I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I dont tell you. | JERRY | We can only thank God for that. |
GEORGE | Im outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) Its only a matter of time now. | JERRY | Youre imagining this. Really. |
GEORGE | Ill tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket. | JERRY | What floss? When? |
GEORGE | We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; theres this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers. | JERRY | Ah, mint. |
GEORGE | Of course. So, Im looking at it. I look up, I see shes looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just.. | JERRY | So let me get this straight. She saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her. |
GEORGE | If I didnt put that floss in my pocket, Id be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses. | JERRY | And youre sure the floss was the catalyst? |
GEORGE | Yes, I am. | JERRY | You dont think it mightve had anything to do with that? |
GEORGE | What? You dont like this? | JERRY | It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal. |
KRAMER | (to the phone) Oh, theyve got a cure for cancer. See, its all big business. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (to the phone again) Yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. Okay, here he is. | JERRY | (to Kramer) Who is it? |
KRAMER | Take it. | JERRY | Who is it? |
KRAMER | Its for you. | JERRY | (to the phone) Hello? (disappointed) Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) No. Uh, I was out of town. I just got back. Kramer doesnt know anything. Hes just my next-door neighbor. Uh, nothing much... Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. Im meeting somebody... Uh, Wednesday? Wednesdays okay... All right. Uh, Im a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?... Okay... Yeah... Right... Thanks... Bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone. |
KRAMER | Well, its your phone. He wanted to talk to you. | JERRY | Maybe I didnt want to talk to him. |
KRAMER | Well, why not? | JERRY | He bothers me. I dont even answer the phone anymore because of him. Hes turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday. |
GEORGE | What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? Were not going? | JERRY | Were going. Thats next Wednesday. |
GEORGE | Oh. Who is this guy? | JERRY | His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I wouldve been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table. Hes so self-involved. |
KRAMER | Thats for me. (to the phone) Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark. No no no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie... | JERRY | Can you conduct your business elsewhere? |
GEORGE | I dont know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, Ill tell you that. | JERRY | I dont bother with him. Hes been calling me for seven years. Ive never called him once! Hes got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if hes paying attention. |
GEORGE | I dont understand why you spend time with this guy. | JERRY | What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him, I dont think were right for each other. Hes a guy! At least with a woman, theres a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it. |
GEORGE | No no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman. | JERRY | Just break up with him? |
GEORGE | Absolutely. You just tell him the truth. | JERRY | The Truth. |
JOEL | ...so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him. And I think, uh, Geraldo. | JERRY | You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really... interesting. He would- |
JOEL | (to the counter of the restaurant) Hey hey hey hey, were starving here! Weve been waiting here for ten minutes already! | JERRY | (testing Joel) So, Im thinking about going to Iran this summer. |
JOEL | I have to eat! I mean, Im hypoglycemic. | JERRY | Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. (Joel shakes his head agreeing; Jerry smiles) You know, its their annual terrorist luncheon. |
JOEL | Yeah. | JERRY | (cont'd) Im gonna do it in Farsi. |
CLAIRE | Are you ready? | JERRY | Yeah, Ill have the egg salad on whole wheat. |
JOEL | Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why dont you do me a favor. Why dont you go in the back and find out, okay? (The waitress leaves.) Unbelievable. | JERRY | How can you talk to someone like that? |
JOEL | What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll? | JERRY | Listen, Joel. Theres something I have to tell you... |
JOEL | He asked me if I still saw you. I said, Sure, I see him all the time. Were still great friends. Anyway, Howard says hello. (laughs) | JERRY | Listen, Joel, I dont think we should see each other anymore. |
JOEL | What? | JERRY | This friendship Its not working. |
JOEL | Not working? What are you talking about? | JERRY | Were just not suited to be friends. |
JOEL | How can you say that? | JERRY | Look, youre a nice guy, its just that... we dont have anything in common. |
JOEL | (starting to cry) Wai-Wait. What did I do? Tell me. I want to know what I did. | JERRY | Y-You didnt do anything. Its not you, its me. Its- this is very difficult. |
JOEL | Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know youre a very busy guy. | JERRY | No, its not that. |
JOEL | (crying) Youre one of the few people I can talk to. | JERRY | Oh, come on. Thats not true. |
JOEL | I always tell everybody about you. Tell everybody to (to the rest of the coffee shop) GO SEE HIS SHOW! (to Jerry) I mean, Im your biggest fan! | JERRY | I know, I know. |
JOEL | I mean, youre my best friend. | JERRY | Best friend- Ive never been to your apartment. |
JOEL | I cannot believe that this is happening. I cant believe it. | JERRY | Okay, okay. Forget it. Its okay. I didnt mean it. |
JOEL | Didnt mean what? | JERRY | What I said. Ive been under a lot of stress. |
JOEL | Oh, youve been under a lot of stress. | JERRY | Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? Im sorry. I didnt mean it. I took it out on you. Were still friends. Were still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, Ill tell you what. Ive got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on. |
JOEL | Tonight? | JERRY | No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I wouldve said tonight. |
JOEL | Do you really want me to go? | JERRY | (lying) Yes. |
JOEL | Okay. (Jerry gives him some napkins to clean himself up) Yeah, okay. Great! That would be, thatd be great. So, next Wednesday. | JERRY | Next Wednesday. |
GEORGE | ...she calls me up at my office | JERRY | Yeah. |
GEORGE | (cont'd) she says, We have to talk. | JERRY | Ugh, the four worst words in the English language. |
GEORGE | That, or Whos bra is this? | JERRY | That is worse. |
GEORGE | So we order lunch, and were talking. Finally, she blurts out how its not working. | JERRY | Really. |
GEORGE | So, Im thinking, as shes saying this, Im thinking great, the relationships over. But the egg salads on the way. So now I have a decision Do I walk or do I eat? | JERRY | Hm. You ate. |
GEORGE | We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship. | JERRY | Someone says, Get out of my life, and that doesnt affect your appetite? |
GEORGE | Have you ever had their egg salad? | JERRY | It is unbelievable. |
GEORGE | Its unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didnt even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich. | JERRY | How much could you possibly have in there? |
GEORGE | Its my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know a guy who took his vacation on his change. | JERRY | Yeah? Whered he go, to an arcade? |
GEORGE | (sarcastically) Thats funny. Youre a funny guy. | JERRY | Cmon, move up. |
GEORGE | Geez. | JERRY | Oh, God. |
GEORGE | I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing. | JERRY | Listen, George, little problem with the game. |
GEORGE | What about it? | JERRY | The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh.. |
GEORGE | What? | JERRY | I gave your ticket to Horneck. |
GEORGE | (not believing him) You what?! | JERRY | Yeah, Im sorry. I had to give it to Horneck. |
GEORGE | No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck? | JERRY | Cmon, cmon, go ahead, move up. |
GEORGE | Why did you give him my ticket for? | JERRY | You didnt see him. It was horrible. |
GEORGE | Oh, cmon, Jerry. I cant believe this. | JERRY | I had to do it. |
TELLER | Im sorry, sir. We cant do that. | JERRY | Do you want to go with him? You go. I dont mind. |