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0 | Citing the websites easy navigability, wide variety of lodging options, and ability to filter rentals by price range and neighborhood, Airbnb user Elliot Nofzinger told reporters Monday that he loves how straightforward the service makes it to ejaculate into a perfect strangers sink. Airbnb is greatI just go online, scroll through a few photo albums, read some user reviews, and then boom: Im rubbing one out in the bathroom sink of some guy I dont even know, said the 28-year-old traveler, who went on to add that the simplicity of online booking means that anybody can peruse lodging options one day and be aiming their semen into a sink the very next. Ive been to eight different places and I havent been disappointed yet. You get a nice clean bed, you save a little cash, and you can just grab some of the hosts family photos, line them up on top of the toilet tank, and get to work. Advocates of the site say it is also ideal for hosts who provide accommodations to Airbnb guests, as the service makes it simple to secretly film a diverse array of masturbators. |
0 | The airline industry is reeling following a scathing indictment of its in-flight cuisine Saturday by stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli. 'How about that chicken breast? It tastes like Wayne Gretzky ought to be shooting it on goal,' said Campanelli, publicly blasting the food served by major air carriers in a speech delivered at the House O' Yuks in Royal Oak. 'Guys,' added Campanelli, addressing the nation's pilots, 'you've got the planes. Fly in some fresh ingredients!' No airline has yet issued a response. |
0 | Travelers on United Airlines were reportedly unsettled on Thursday after observing that the carrier was part of some sort of mysterious coalition of airlines known as the Star Alliance. What are they, some sort of galactic fighter force? Have we been recruited as footsoldiers for an impending interplanetary war? said traveler Bruce Cathcart, adding that he only wanted to visit his sister, not align himself with a secretive group that holds outposts in Tokyo, Frankfurt, and the Epsilon Indi star system. Who am I now allied against? Do we have enemies? Im just trying to fly to Atlanta here, not act as a pawn in some interstellar power scheme. At press time, Cathcart had gotten over his misgivings once a round of complimentary beverages was served. |
0 | Shaking his head at the diverse variety of Mexican and Latin American food options being made available to him, area shopper Steve Unger told reporters Friday that the Hispanic food aisle at his local grocery store pretty much told him all he needed to know about where America is heading. Black beans, tortillas, hot peppersboy, thats the whole story right here, said the visibly dismayed Unger, 49, who recalled a time when Latin American items only constituted about a third of Aisle 14s offerings at the Kroger on Miami Avenue and Americas dominant position in the world was completely unquestioned. Look at these names: Goya, Tapatioits the whole damn aisle! How many types of salsa do you need, for crying out loud? At press time, Ungers ire had only grown more intense upon passing by a small refrigerated hummus display. |
0 | Although he has already built a reputation as one of the most offensive players in the game, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski said Monday that he will put on his extremely smug game-face on Opening Day and leave it on for the rest of the season. 'I think my antics in the postseason proved to my critics that I'm more than just a one-dimensional jackass,' said Pierzynski, who trailed only Barry Bonds and Milton Bradley in all offensiveness categories in 2005. 'Whether it means 'accidentally' tripping an opposing player right before he crosses home plate or sliding cleats-up into first base on a routine groundout, I am going to focus especially hard on the 'irritating' and 'aggravating' aspects of my game this year. By the end of the season, I'll finally have lost the respect of my coaches, teammates, and fellow major-leaguers.' Pierzynski's comments drew the ire of Yankee offensive force Gary Sheffield, who vehemently argued that he is not only the most offensive player in the game, but that his reactionary style of play will earn him a spot on The Sporting News' 2006 All-Defensive Team. |
0 | Dozens of eyewitness reports indicated that former vice president Al Gore deliberately attempted to raise the earth's temperature in order to boost box office receipts for An Inconvenient Truth, his documentary film about global warming that was released in May. Former vice president Al Gore takes a flamethrower to the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica to boost weekend ticket sales for <i>An Inconvenient Truth</i>. 'We have accounts from concerned citizens that Mr. Gore purchased a Cadillac Escalade SUV several months before [his film] opened in theaters,' said Kimberly Blume, spokeswoman for the California-based environmental group Friends Of The Earth. 'Not only did Mr. Gore use his new gas-guzzler to make short trips to the grocery store, he also left the vehicle running 24 hours a day in the driveway of his Tennessee home with the air-conditioning on full-blast.' In the weeks following the film's release, witnesses reported additional sightings of Gore engaging in activities such as discharging can after can of 1980s-era, CFC-laden aerosol into the air, and single-handedly clear-cutting over 6,000 acres of Amazon rain forest. Gore is also rumored to have set a four-acre tire fire outside Akron, OH, and ordered his Secret Service detail to shoot on sight anyone who attempts to put it out. 'It's sad to see a man we thought was a passionate defender of the environment despoiling it for his own monetary gain,' Blume said. Blume said that she and many environmentalists had momentarily expressed relief in late November when Gore appeared to cease his months-long practice of dismantling old refrigerators in order to release ozone-destroying freon into the atmosphere. Blume soon learned, however, that Gore had resumed the activity in Antarctica, where the earth's ozone layer is most fragile. Environmental groups have called for the federal government to step in and put a stop to Gore's actions, but officials say they do not have the power to stop him. 'There is no legal recourse anyone can take against the former vice president,' Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Stephen L. Johnson said. 'Mr. Gore is well within the emissions standards set by the current administration.' By year's end, Gore failed to slow his assault on the planet's delicately balanced climate systems. Satellite surveillance revealed what many believe to be a snowshoed Gore jumping up and down on an ice shelf in Greenland, chainsawing glaciers in the Alaskan wild, and urinating in the Gulf Stream waters off the coast of Newfoundland. |
0 | Vice-President Al Gore expressed excitement and pride over his presence at Saturday's 25th annual Las Cruces Air Show, where he delivered the honorary opening address. 'I can't tell you how excited and proud I am to be here. This truly is one of the great American traditions,' Gore told the crowd of 260. 'And I know that President Clinton, who unfortunately could not be here today, feels the same way.' Moments after his remarks, the excited, proud Gore left aboard Air Force Two, missing the entirety of the air show. Organizers of the event speculated that he was too excited to stay. |
0 | Former vice president Al Gorewho for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to savelaunched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world. 'I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen,' said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. 'They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn't they heed me before it was too late?' Al Goreor, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Alplaced his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly. 'There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race,' Gore said. 'I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home.' As the rocket soared through the Gore estate's retractable solar-paneled roofinstalled three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore's campaign to save Earth was unsuccessfulthe onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them. In the final moments before the Earth's destruction, Gore expressed hope that his son would one day grow up to carry on his mission by fighting for truth, justice, and the American way elsewhere in the universe, using his Earth-given superpowers to become a champion of the downtrodden and a reducer of carbon emissions across the galaxy. 'Perhaps he will succeed where I have failed,' Gore said. Despite the child's humble beginnings, experts predict the intergalactic journey may have some extraordinary effects on Kal-Al's physique, eyesight, and, potentially, his powers of quiet, sensible persuasion. 'On his new planet, Kal-Al's Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men,' political analyst Sig Schuster said. 'He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains.' Although Gore and his wife voiced regrets that they could not accompany their son on his journey, they tried their best to equip Kal-Al for life on his new planet, providing the infant with a Keynote slide-show presentation of all human knowledge, a self-growing crystal fortress from which to monitor glacier shrinkage, and a copy of Al Gore's 1992 bestseller, Earth In The Balance. The baby was also wrapped in a blanket emblazoned with the Gore family crest, which, because it is made of Earth materials, will be invulnerable on the new planet. It is hoped that one day it will be fashioned into a colorful costume for the boy to wear while fighting wrongdoers. 'In brightly hued tights, it will be harder for people there to ignore him when he takes on his new planet's lobbyists, auto manufacturers, and enemies of justice,' Schuster said. 'A bold and eye-catching unitard will give Kal-Al, last son of Earth, a formidable tool for protecting his new planet, a power more awesome than any his father could have dreamed of: the power of charisma.' |
0 | Vice-President Al Gore felt a deep, all-consuming sense of worthlessness Monday, when, after months of careful diplomatic networking, he was stood up by French officials who were supposed to meet him to discuss vital foreign trade issues. Busboys clean up and prepare to close as Vice-President Al Gore waits in vain for a delegation of French economic officials. 'I'm pretty sure the minister's office said two o'clock,' the vice-president said, speaking from his empty table. 'I wrote it down.' Gore, who was scheduled to meet with the French minister of trade, Andr Picallard, and a delegation of leading French economists at Paris' posh Grande Hotel restaurant at 2 p.m., waited alone for more than four hours, sources close to the matre d' said. Not until restaurant employees began placing chairs on tables and vacuuming the famed 250-year-old eatery's fine rugs did Gore finally give up, shaking his head in a desultory manner as he exited the establishment. 'They could have at least called,' Gore was overheard mumbling as he left the restaurant and began the long walk back to Air Force Two in the rain, alone. A placemat was later discovered where Gore had been sitting, covered in 'squiggly little doodles' and the words 'Everybody Hates Me' in tiny, shaking handwriting. 'One can easily imagine what was going through the vice-president's head as, over and over, waiters asked him if he was ready to order,' Georgetown University political science professor Walter C. Ayers said. 'As he pathetically requested basket after basket of bread, having his water glass refilled time after time, he surely must have been thinking, 'Those French officials don't even want to talk to me. Nobody really cares about me at all.'' Particularly humiliating was an incident in which a group of foreign dignitaries waved from across the room, causing Gore to stand up and extend a handshake, only to realize that they were actually waving to a group of Algerian dignitaries seated at a table behind him. 'They probably just got the address mixed up,' Gore was overheard saying to a busboy. 'Paris can be a hard city to find your way around in, right?' The busboy did not speak English and was unable to respond. White House officials were quick to put the incident into perspective. 'I don't feel that what happened at that restaurant says anything about Al Gore's leadership capabilities. Nor does it in any way damage his standing as the leading candidate for the presidency in 2000. Al Gore is as vital and dynamic a political candidate as ever,' said Andrew Conner, a White House staffer whose entire job consists of telling the press that Gore is a vital and dynamic political candidate. 'Gore is the man to lead America into the 21st... Oh, what's the use?' Conner added, before trailing off and shutting the door to his office with a labored sigh. 'It is safe to assume that Vice-President Gore's self-esteem hit a low point during those four long, lonely hours, as he sat there with no one to talk to, occasionally eating the complimentary crackers, toying with the artificial sweetener packets and checking his watch every few seconds,' Rep. Jonathan Diedricks (R-FL) said. 'Why wouldn't he? It's only natural to feel an all-consuming sense of one's own worthlessness after such a humiliating rejection as this.' President Clinton personally reassured Gore upon the vice-president's return to Washington late Monday. 'There's plenty of other diplomatic fish in the sea, sport,' Clinton told Gore as the two shared a carton of ice cream and a good cry. White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta moved quickly to restore Gore's confidence as well, telling him that he 'has to just get right back up in the saddle and give it the old Al Gore try.' Panetta also set up a hastily arranged summit with a friend of the Zimbabwean ambassador's sister. Gore, however, declined the offer. 'I'm thinking that maybe I want to take a little time off from negotiating for a while,' he told reporters at a press conference Tuesday. 'You know, sometimes 'alone' is a really good place to be.' Though the assembled media smiled and nodded sympathetically during Gore's remarks, the majority were just trying to save face. 'We didn't want to hurt his feelings,' said NBC Nightly News reporter Cynthia Hayworth. 'He looked so sad up there behind his little podiumlike a hound dog left out in the rain, a hound dog nobody loves or wants.' Gore is spending the next several days at his mother's house, White House staffers said. The vice-president is also said to be 'working on a poem for his diary.' Tipper Gore refused to comment on the incident, saying she had 'more important things to do than worry about Al's constant little crises.' |
0 | DOHA, QATARWith the stated intent of 'turning current-events coverage on its head,' the popular but oft-criticized Al-Jazeera Arab television news network launched its 'Lighter Side Of The News' segment Monday. Jalami reports on a badly bungled bombing. 'And now, we have something a little different for you,' anchor Jihan Jalami said, turning from coverage of violence in Najaf. 'It seems a certain suicide bomber paid the price for his sloppy job Sunday, when he failed to annihilate a Jerusalem pizza parlor, and himself along with it. After numerous attempts to detonate the homemade device hidden under his shirt, the bomber gave up and ordered lunch! Can you imagine the relieved look on that restaurant owner's face?!' Continued Jalami: 'The blundering bomber was well into his third slice of pizza when responding Mossad agents killed him and wounded two bystanders in a hail of gunfire.' Al-Jazeera then resumed normal coverage, airing hard-line Islamic cleric Abdul Rashid Ghazi's statement in response to air strikes on Afghanistan. The Lighter Side, airing at the bottom of the hour during non-peak times, is already popular among viewers. Favorite segments so far include the story of a Ramallah teen who sat motionless in a freshly plowed pepper field for 10 days, believing himself to be in a minefield; that of a U.N.-sponsored airborne food-drop that leveled an entire Afghan village; and that of a large fig, produced on a farm outside Bahrain, which bears an uncanny resemblance to renegade Muslim cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr. 'I could not believe what I was seeing,' Osiraq resident Akil Hamza said. 'The fig looked just like him.' Al-Jazeera, a technologically savvy news organization that reports events in the Middle East from an Arab perspective, remains the only foreign station allowed in Afghanistan. Station executives say the Lighter Side segments will help them broaden their audience. 'We have long been aware that our network isn't as well-regarded in the West as news outlets such as CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News,' said Wadah Khanfar, managing director of Al-Jazeera. 'We were criticized for airing certain storiesthe capture of U.S. soldiers by al-Qaeda, for instance, or the burning of the American embassy in Afghanistan. So we looked to see what sort of stories our American news counterparts were running in lieu of unpopular topical pieces.' Footage from Lighter Side segments titled 'Time To Get A New House!' (left) and 'Even Amputees Want To Kick The U.S. Troops Out!' 'This is what we came up with,' Khanfar said, gesturing to a row of monitors displaying the humorous action at the State Fair of Jalalabad, where several residents who had lost their arms in the recent fighting engaged in a spirited samboosak-eating contest to benefit a local school. 'We've always prided ourselves on our diversity of opinion, as well as our real-time news coverage,' senior news producer Sameer Hadi said. 'But it doesn't hurt to report things that everyone can agree on. I think the story we're doing this evening will bring a smile to our viewers' faces. It is the story of Abdul Al-Sattar Hali, who recently won the $1 million Bahrain State Lottery, but was unable to collect, because he was in prison. Can you imagine?' Al-Jazeera had also done a story concerning Hali in April, when scandal erupted after they aired photos of the blindfolded, nude pottery vendor being hosed down by American troops at Abu Ghraib. |
0 | NBC play-by-play announcer Al Michaels interrupted the broadcast of the Steelers-Colts game Sunday to ask color commentator Cris Collinsworth if they could talk about something other than football for once. Cris, cant we just change the subject for once and have a real discussion about something that matters? said Michaels, adding that he was sick of dull topics such as dominant NFL teams or how the Steelers should use Rashard Mendenhall in short-yardage situations. I want to talk like normal men. Hows your wife? Whats your favorite piece of literature? Lets discuss remodeling projects, childhood memories, or the best weekend trips. After a short deliberation, Michaels and Collinsworth finally agreed to drop the subject of football and instead talk about the Kansas City Chiefs. |
0 | As they prepared for the last few days of their second Olympics broadcast together, NBC co-anchors Al Michaels and Bob Costas were no longer able to determine which one of them is which, sources confirmed Thursday. Hi, everyone, and welcome back to our continuing coverage of the 2012 Olympics. Im Bob Costas, Michaels said during the prime-time segment. And alongside me iswell, it appears to be Bob Costas. Which makes me Al Michaels, I think. After Costas responded with a genial Thats right, Bob, both men turned and looked blankly at the camera for several seconds until the video feed cut to mens volleyball highlights. |
0 | WASHINGTON, DCTerrorist chatter about a possible al-Qaeda attack against the U.S. deteriorated into gossip Monday, according to top federal intelligence officials. 'We intercepted a phone call in which two al-Qaeda operatives were discussing plans to conduct reconnaissance missions at certain U.S. landmarks,' CIA operative Tim Huber said. 'But the conversation quickly devolved into a 20-minute discussion of what someone named Majida Sa'doon was doing at Kanebi Hadi Hameeb's home at sunrise.' Huber added that the gossip is a 'definite improvement' over the glut of small talk about recipes, children, and goats that dominated conversation at this time last year. |
0 | In a statement posted this morning on several Islamist websites, the global terrorist network al-Qaeda claimed responsibility for last Thursday's devastating personal attack on Carbondale, IL resident Tim Harris. The highly coordinated strike, which targeted the unsuspecting 32-year-old as he exited a Huck's convenience store, and made light of his ample girth, lack of employment, and inability to meet single women, occurred at 9:32 a.m. At 9:35 a.m., a second wave of vicious insults was reportedly launched at Harris, obliterating what little remained of his self-esteem. Harris 'The foot soldiers of Islam have struck at this pathetic slob of a man with righteous force, and they have brought him down,' read the statement, which praised as heroes the four al-Qaeda operatives who carried out the personal attack. 'There is nothing left of him now. Tim Harris has been destroyed.' 'Praise be to Allah,' the statement continued. 'Allah is great.' Department of Homeland Security officials told reporters that it could take months to determine the full extent of the damage from what they are calling the worst-ever ad hominem strike on American soil, even as crews worked around the clock to salvage whatever bits of Harris' self-respect they could from the wreckage. 'Never before has our nation witnessed such brutal mockery,' Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said. 'It appears that al-Qaeda had been monitoring Mr. Harris long enough to become fully conversant in his insecurities, and was prepared to employ any means necessary, even pointing out his huge, Neanderthal-like underbite, to achieve its terrible goal. Indeed, there wasn't a single emotional sore spotfrom his lack of sexual experience to the fact that most animals don't seem to like himthat they did not exploit.' 'It's unthinkable,' Napolitano added. 'They even reminded Tim about the time nobody showed up to his New Year's party.' When asked by reporters why her department had failed to prevent the hurtful attack, Napolitano said it was impossible for the government to secure every potential target in a country so densely populated with losers. 'At this time, we simply don't have the resources necessary for such an undertaking,' Napolitano said. 'As much as we would like to, we cannot guarantee the safety of every former telemarketer who sleeps on a futon and still has roommates despite being almost 35 years old.' Critics, however, pointed to the fact that al-Qaeda had attempted a similar personal attack on Harris in 2003, one that might have succeeded had it not been for an uncharacteristic intelligence-gathering error on the terrorists' part. 'We know that al-Qaeda will keep returning to a target until they get their desired result,' CIA director Leon Panetta said. 'Seven years ago, for whatever reason, they failed to take into account that Mr. Harris had been feeling pretty good about having done push-ups that morning and was optimistic about a job interview he'd just been on. That attack was unsuccessful, but we should have learned from it.' 'I mean, just look at the guy,' Panetta added. 'It's hard to imagine a more vulnerable target.' While acknowledging that there is no foolproof way of protecting oneself against the cruelly incisive barbs of al-Qaeda, DHS released today a list of basic self-maintenance measures that Americans, particularly the most defenseless sad sacks, should employ to minimize their risk. Chief among these is cultivating an awareness of one's personal appearance. According to Napolitano, small, relatively easy improvements in wardrobe and hygiene can deprive al-Qaeda of obvious defects upon which to capitalize. 'All Americans must be vigilant about combing their hair,' Napolitano said. 'Also, they should wear a shirt that fits them for once in their life, and if they choose to put on sweatpants, maybe avoid those with obvious mustard stains on them.' 'A personal attack can come at any time and when you least expect it, whether you're lounging around all weekend in your bathrobe or sitting in the waiting room of a hair-loss clinic,' she added. Napolitano stressed that there was no immediate threat of a personal strike against any particular individual. However, she admitted that her department was closely monitoring a number of 'soft targets,' including recently divorced Chicago resident David Braumberg, chronically fatigued Wal-Mart cashier Bridget Carmichael, and Rich Parker, a 28-year-old Ohio native who divides his time between playing poker online and staring glassy-eyed at old high school yearbooks late at night. 'I've personally monitored a few of these targets myself,' Napolitano said. 'Believe me, an attack from al-Qaeda is the last thing these losers need.' |
0 | In a 30-minute video released Thursday, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized the mass transportation infrastructure of the United States, claiming significant repairs and upgrades would need to be implemented before the militant group would consider destroying any roads, bridges, or railways with terrorist attacks. Reading from a prepared statement, al-Zawahiri blasted the U.S. government for its lack of foresight and admonished its leaders for failing to provide Americans with efficient and reliable modes of public transport to reduce traffic congestion, lower carbon emissions, improve air quality, and supply suitable targets for terrorists. 'The al-Qaeda network is fully prepared to continue the jihad against the American infidels by launching deadly attacks, but your outdated and rusting transportation infrastructure needs to be completely overhauled for those strikes even to be noticed,' al-Zawahiri said. 'We want to turn your bridges into rubble, but if we claimed credit for making them collapse, nobody would ever believe us.' 'We'd really just be doing you a favor because then you'd actually have to rebuild them,' al-Zawahiri added. The al-Qaeda commander confirmed his organization initially hoped to cripple travel in the United States by destroying its nationwide high-speed rail system, but had been shocked to discover no such thing exists. Calling it a cost-efficient, modern way of travel that would serve as a boon to small businesses and the national economy, al-Zawahiri implored U.S. officials to invest in not just one high-speed passenger train network, but many of them, so they could all be blown up simultaneously in a signature al-Qaeda attack upon the nation's major population centers. Throughout the threatening video, the terrorist leader questioned the priorities of American politicians, asking why they would refuse to fund engineering projects that would create jobs, bombing opportunities, and new ways for the U.S. compete globally. 'It's ridiculous that the Netherlands, the world's 16th-ranked economy, is continuously investing in its infrastructure, while the No. 1 economy simply refuses to enter the 21st century,' said al-Zawahiri, adding that Americans should be ashamed of having only one operational high-speed rail line, considering the Dutch have 120. 'And of course, we don't want to bring the Netherlands to its knees and make its people question the unholy excesses of their way of life. No one would care if we did that.' 'Also, to the Great Satan American leader Barack Obama: Investing in mass transit infrastructure would have positive, long-term effects for the environment,' he added. 'Stop being so shortsighted.' Al-Qaeda sources confirmed that members of terror cells living in America regularly complain about the extreme difficulty of traveling around the country and say it has prevented them from doing their jobs effectively. A plot to destroy O'Hare International Airport was reportedly abandoned after constant flight delays made coordinating an attack nearly impossible. In addition, al-Zawahiri said a terrorist attack on O'Hare couldn't make the commercial aviation center any worse. He also revealed the terrorist organization had wasted six months planning to take down Amtrak's regional operations before realizing that with its constant delays and malfunctions, the government-owned passenger train service 'basically terrorizes itself.' 'We spent countless hours on training, surveillance, and intelligence-gathering for absolutely nothing,' al-Zawahiri said. 'We falsely assumed that disrupting key Amtrak lines would instill fear and cause chaos throughout the nation. Unfortunately, the overall impact and limited number of casualties wouldn't even make it worth the effort.' While al-Zawahiri mainly focused on reprimanding the U.S. for not updating its mass transportation system, the al-Qaeda leader also recommended the government repair sewage treatment plants, dams, waterlines, and the power grid. 'Frankly, America is a complete mess,' al-Zawahiri said. 'How could we even think about cutting electricity across multiple states, leaving millions of Americans terrified in darkness, when there are brownouts all the time? And of course, we would like nothing better than to poison your lakes and rivers, but it looks like you already beat us to it.' 'At least the Empire State Building is still standing,' he added. |
0 | Al-Qaeda operative Mullah Hashem hired Elliot Dobin, a consultant for the Boston public-relations firm Schneider & Koff, for the sole purpose of murdering him, sources reported Monday. 'The al-Qaeda have taken such a beating in the press that we figured they wanted to clean up their media image, so we sent our best guy,' firm partner Jerry Koff said. 'But Elliot had barely shaken everyone's hand when Hashem and his guards shoved him up against the wall and shot him in the back of the head. He didn't even get to show them his PowerPoint presentation.' Bergman said he'll confront Hashem about the incident as soon as he figures out a way to spin Dobin's shooting into a positive. |
0 | At a press conference Monday, al-Qaeda spokesman Abu Musab al-Madani stated that last weeks missile attack on a terrorist hideout in Pakistans North Waziristan region bore all the hallmarks of the United States military. While the investigation is still ongoing, we can say that the timing of the strike, the sophistication of the explosive device, and the fact that it came from a predator drone are all consistent with previous confirmed attacks by American forces, said al-Madani, who noted that the terrorist organization had also received an anonymous tip alleging that the U.S. military was in the advanced stages of plotting one of its regular weekly attacks on al-Qaeda soil. 'Additionally, the United States has already taken credit for the assault in the American media, though they have significantly underreported the number of civilian casualties. Al-Madani went on to state that the nonexistent gunfire and ground combat that al-Qaeda had recently encountered were a distinctive hallmark of the Pakistani military. |
0 | Following an audition that 'knocked [their] socks off,' organizers of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade announced today they would allow the al-Qaeda Marching Band, the musical performance division of the international terrorist organization, to participate in the 84th-annual holiday event. 'Macy's has no affiliation with the political agenda of al-Qaeda and in no way endorses its stated goal of destroying the imperialist secular West,' said Bob Carlson, a spokesperson for the department store. 'But their choreography is justwow. The costumes, the sass, the showmanship. These guys brought their A-game, and the drum line is just sensational.' Al-Qaeda Marching Band director Ibrahim al-Faisal told reporters being selected to perform in the parade was 'a great honor,' adding that his group looked forward to wowing the crowd and setting off a dirty bomb in the heart of Manhattan. |
0 | Shaking his head at all the new recruitment and indoctrination methods used by his younger counterparts nowadays, al-Qaeda member Khalid Al-Muthanna, 42, wistfully recalled to reporters Monday a time when radicalization was performed face-to-face rather than over the internet. Back when I first got into jihad, we used to take the time to bring recruits to a real training camp and work with them one-on-one to instill a virulent fanaticism and bloodlust toward the Westnow, its all done on message boards and chat rooms. Wheres the satisfaction in that? said Al-Muthanna, sighing as he explained that he used to pride himself on spending weeks living in a community before carefully hand-selecting the most psychologically and financially troubled members to radicalize, rather than posting a blanket recruitment message on social media to just anyone. Its so rewarding to preach a hateful ideology directly to them and actually see the murderous rage grow in their eyes day by day. But with all these young extremists, its just Facebook this and Twitter thateveryone is glued to their computers. Nowadays, you dont develop any real connection with your recruits before they go and blow themselves up. Theres just no human touch. Al-Muthanna conceded that, despite all the drawbacks, he was glad that modern technology was allowing him and others to connect with so many people from all over the world. |
0 | According to high-ranking al-Qaeda sources, local operative Fasad al-Hashimi reportedly expressed disbelief Thursday over the exorbitant price of Super Bowl tickets, complaining that even the cheapest seats were listing at nearly $2,000. I cant imagine anybody wanting to go to this game more than me, but these prices are ridiculous, said al-Hashimi, adding that only powerful corporate executives and wealthy celebrities could afford to attend the NFL championship game. Such a rip-off. The fact that the Super Bowl is too expensive for the average person represents everything that is wrong with America. At press time, al-Hashimi had reportedly decided to shell out $2,500 for a Super Bowl ticket, claiming that the cost was a worthwhile expenditure. |
0 | Intelligence officials said Tuesday that al-Qaeda is recruiting a new generation of suicide bombers with assurances that martyrs will be rewarded in the afterlife with a halfway decent job, benefits, and a 401(k) plan. While al-Qaeda has long reached out to disenfranchised young men with guarantees of a heaven filled with sensual delights, sources said new enticements such as a 40-hour work week and a $37,000 starting salary with annual cost of living adjustments, make blowing one's self up in a crowded marketplace significantly more appealing to the many chronically unemployed individuals in the Muslim world. Sources confirmed that suicide bombers are also being promised a lavish otherworldly paradise where braces for their children are covered up to $2,000 or 80 percent of the total cost by dental insurance. 'The strategy is to make these young men believe that the rewards of heaven outweigh the prospects of life on Earth,' senior intelligence official Nathan Lowell said. 'So you can imagine how effective it would be to promise an individual living in squalor that Allah will provide a glorious hereafter, one with gainful employment, room for advancement, and a nice little tuition reimbursement policy.' 'By 2014, we believe al-Qaeda's new approach will be drawing hundreds of thousands of young men willing to annihilate themselves for the glory of God if it helps them get health coverage,' Lowell added. Al-Qaeda has also reportedly told recruits that the bombers responsible for last month's suicide strike in a Baghdad bazaar were immediately transported to a 'nice little two- bedroom setup' in the afterlife where they are already making enough money programming computers part-time to eventually be able to open their own catering business. 'Thus far the martyrdom initiative has been very successful,' security analyst David Ellsbury said. 'Many are showing up at radical madrassas eager to learn more information about heaven's pension program.' 'The promise of a decent parking spot alone lures about 10 potential suicide attackers per month,' Ellsbury continued. A recently authenticated video broadcast on Al Jazeera last Thursday shows Osama bin Laden at a table in an undisclosed location explaining the afterworld's generous paid time-off policy, which he said permits 'all lions of jihad who exalt Islam with their blood' to cash in a certain number of unused vacation days at the end of each year if they so choose. Later in the video, bin Laden exalts Allah's willingness to help pay for a portion of all afterlife gym memberships, which bin Laden called a 'pretty good deal.' Ahmad Ali, who is among the 35 percent of unemployed citizens in Yemen, told reporters that he was reluctant to consider the offer made by the al-Qaeda representative in his hometown, but said he might have no other choice if he wanted to get ahead. 'Honestly, blowing myself up looks like the best way for me to earn a steady paycheck right now,' said Ali, 32, a former taxi driver who has not worked in almost three years and who has never earned more than $2 a day. 'I just want a chance to have a decent job and maybe own a house with a lawn. And I think stuffing a bunch of explosives in the trunk of my cab and murdering a group of police cadets is probably the best way to go about it.' 'I'm really not crazy about killing myself and a bunch of other people,' Ali added. 'But if it means a job with flextime that allows me to work from home one day a week, I can't pass that up. I've got kids to think about.' |
0 | AL BHURBAN'Q, AFGHANISTANFilming of the second season of al-Qaeda's surprise hit situation comedy Ba'athtime For Abdul will take place before live studio hostages. 'We shall not rest until the vassals of the Great Satan know what it is to live, love, and learn as a member of al-Qaeda,' said a spokesman for the show, who assured fans that the laugh- and scream-tracks would not be sweetened in post-production. The videotaped statement, like the episodes of the show itself, was delivered to Al-Jazeera's Afghanistan headquarters in a plain box containing the tape and three severed heads of studio hostages. |
0 | Drawing widespread condemnation from fans and pundits alike, boosters from the University of Alabama Crimson Tide Foundation are facing heavy criticism after it was revealed Friday that the organization fully funded head football coach Nick Sabans sex reassignment surgery. Were willing to do whatever it takes to keep Coach Saban at Alabama, including covering costs for orchiectomy and penectomy procedures, breast augmentation, and monthly doctor visits throughout the transition process, said Crimson Tide Foundation spokesperson Keith Stokes, responding to public outcry regarding reports that the group bankrolled more than $50,000 in expenses for the four-time national champions ongoing hormonal replacement therapy throughout the past 18 months. We havent broken any NCAA rules, and we have every right to pay for Coach Sabans facial hair removal through electrolysis, as well as cover aesthetic follow-up procedures to make facial features more feminine. Nicole brought us three national titles and has done so much for our school, so we just want to make sure shes happy. Roll tide. The boosters group was reportedly adamant, however, that it had nothing to do with Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffins recent vaginoplasty, explaining that the procedure was included as part of the 39-year-olds severance deal from USC. |
0 | Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the official state calendar. The State of Alabama has officially observed Bo Bice Day every May 24th since 2005, and after nine great years, we have decided to discontinue the holiday, said Alabama Governor Robert J. Bentley, adding that he was still proud of how the vocalist from Huntsville represented the state on national television. Bo is an exceptional talent, and we wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors. Bentley went on to confirm that Taylor Hicks Day would continue as scheduled. |
0 | The Alabama Department of Education reported Wednesday that its sole textbook has begun to seriously show its age after more than a decade of heavy daily use at the state's 1,500 public schools. Officials said the decrepit tome, titled Introduction To Civics, has recently become so tattered that it is now nearly unusable for the 748,000 students enrolled in kindergarten through 12th grade who are required to share it. 'When you have every child in Alabama using the same textbook, there's bound to be a certain amount of wear and tear over time,' said State Superintendent Dr. Thomas R. Bice, lifting the book's cover to reveal the thin strip of adhesive barely connecting the badly disfigured piece of cardboard to its spine. 'But with our book in this conditionpages partially ripped, some separated from the binding and jammed elsewhere in the wrong sequential order, others missing entirelyit becomes difficult to maintain an effective curriculum.' 'Unfortunately, what we have here is a book whose viability as Alabama's primary teaching tool has just about run its course,' he added. Officials from the cash-strapped state explained that because Introduction To Civics is touched by close to 1.5 million hands during a typical school day, many of its 358 pageswhich cover the basic structure of American government as well as the rights and duties of citizensare so caked in food and beverage stains and blanketed with crude depictions of human genitals that entire chapters have been rendered illegible. In addition, high demand for the textbook has resulted in a constant conflict of availability. With schools across the 50,000-square-mile state struggling to coordinate class schedules in order to drop the book off and pick it up at the right times, many students are forced to wait hours before instruction can begin. According to sources, a student will often leave the book in his or her locker by accident, thereby preventing 300,000 others from doing their homework that night. 'This week I really needed the textbook for a big math test we have coming up, but the seniors were using it to study for their AP Chemistry exam, and after that it had to go to some sixth-grade Spanish class down in Mobile,' Montgomery-area 15-year-old Kyla Richter said. 'When I finally got it, I only had 11 seconds to do as much cramming as I could before I had to hand it off again.' 'I think I'm going to fail,' she added. However necessary they may be, plans to replace Introduction To Civics have set off a fierce debate within the Alabama education establishment. Fiscally-minded officials have argued that the state's textbook could easily be repaired, as it has been many times in the past, with a couple bottles of Wite-Out and a roll of Scotch tape. Jefferson High School principal Trevor Mills, however, believes cost shouldn't be the only factor considered when it comes to the one book forming the pillar of the state's education system. 'Look, I'm no stranger to the economic reality we're living in, with funding being slashed left and right, but we owe it to our kids to provide them with something better,' said Mills, whose hire in 1999 coincided with the state's acquisition of Introduction To Civics from a used bookstore. 'Maybe it's a lot to ask, but $40 for a new copy would be a huge, huge help.' 'A replacement book would greatly enrich our students' educations and give our hard-working teachers the single most important resource they need to do their jobs effectively,' he continued. 'All 12 of them depend on it.' |
0 | The accidental death of Alan Colmes, the liberal commentator sometimes featured alongside conservative Sean Hannity, has gone unreported on their Fox News political commentary show for two weeks. 'I can't understand whywhy the Republicans are afraid to pull the trigger on immigration!' said Hannity, speaking to an empty seat across the set. 'Would someone, anyone from the other side of the issue please tell me exactly how you seduced them to the Dumb Side? This is backwards thinking!' Hannity did not attend the funeral held last weekend for Colmes, who, according to anonymous sources within Fox News, was caught in a D.C.-area crosswalk when the light changed, flip-flopped on which way to go, and was struck by a dump-truck. |
0 | Alan Colmes, the liberal co-host of the Fox News debate program Hannity & Colmes, lost an argument to his nephew Bryan while babysitting the 8-year-old Monday. 'I wanted to stay up late to watch television, but Uncle Alan said, 'There's already too much self-parenting in America,'' Bryan said. 'So I started screaming, 'Mom lets me, Mom lets me,' real loud. He gave in after, like, 20 seconds.' In the past two years, Bryan has won arguments with Colmes on the subjects of Pokmon cards, Crunch Berries cereal, and steel tariffs. |
0 | Following a speech Monday at the Rotary Club of Aiken, two-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes admitted that he 'just enjoy[s] campaigning.' Said Keyes, a distant fourth-place finisher in the Feb. 1 New Hampshire primary: 'It's a lot of fun. You get to fly around on airplanes, meet lots of nice people, and make speeches at big, fancy podiums. And sometimes, a reporter comes, and they put your picture in the paper. I only wish I could do it more than once every four years.' Keyes, who has previously lost two U.S. Senate races, as well as the 1996 Republican presidential bid, added that 'having your own bumper sticker is really neat.' |
0 | After the Broncos quarterback sustained an apparent ankle injury in Sundays game against the San Diego Chargers, team doctors were shocked Monday when an MRI revealed that Peyton Manning has actually been dead for the past six months. Its obviously never good when an injury is worse than you anticipated, interim head coach Jack Del Rio told reporters, noting that what doctors expected to be slight tearing of the ligaments actually turned out to be a late stage of decomposition afflicting the entirety of Mannings body. Weve started a rehab regimen for him, mostly trying to keep his rotting flesh from falling off the bone. Luckily, the rigor mortis hasnt affected his mobility. And in spite of the news, Peytons spirits appear to be up. While the deceased four-time MVP will be listed as questionable this week, Broncos sources expect Manning to start Sunday. |
0 | A hot new trend sweeping the countrys adult population has turned into a nationwide sensation, sources confirm, but many experts say the burgeoning grown-up fad may be a cause for significant concern. Its called plateauing in your career and relationship, and it involves adult men and women hitting a wall in their professional and romantic lives and doing absolutely nothing to reinvigorate them, an activity that researchers at University of Chicagos Department of Comparative Human Development warn may be, while popular, highly dangerous and unhealthy. Statistics show that a disturbingly high proportion of adult Americansnearly three-quarters, according to the universitys findingsengage in the new craze, which includes spinning your wheels by losing track of what got you excited about your job and partner in the first place, experiencing no upward mobility in your professional life nor any emotional or sexual growth in your romantic one. Were seeing a lot of adults all across the country getting together and doing 10, 15 years of comfortable routines at work and at home, losing touch with any real passion or energy that they presumably had for their partners or jobs, and gradually slipping into a kind of numbed routine devoid of variation or joy, said lead researcher Susan McClintock, adding that wondering why one ever embarked on a particular career path or relationship to begin with is a particularly popular variant of the trend. Theyll start out by not putting a lot of effort into a report that could have gotten them a promotion, or forgetting an anniversary. Pretty soon theyve full-out plateaued in their professional and personal lives, and the driven, passionate selves they once knew are just a distant blip in the rearview mirror. They see their friends doing it, and then they join in, McClintock said. They dont seem to be deterred by the consequenceswhich include everything from floating anxiety, quiet bitterness, and a relentless sense of dissatisfaction and disillusionment. In many cases, its that numb sense of indifference that theyre actually seeking out. Thats the payoff. Data from the investigation helped shed light on the possible motives for the massively popular but disturbing trend, which include the fact that its just easier this way and that moving forward at work and in relationships requires motivation, foresight, and planning, and thats hardespecially as time goes on and the years start to add up and its just hard to find the energy anymore. Further research suggests that these so-called plateauers enjoy life-plateauing in public, right out in the open, and often in tandem with a coworker, best friend, or spouse. Because this fad has become so widespread, and because a whole culture and way of life seems to have formed around it, its become very hard for non-adults to step in front of this trend and say, This is dangerous, and we need to put a stop to this, McClintock said. Our only hope is that adults will soon grow tired of plateauing and move on to whatever the next hot new thing is. Sources confirmed that plateauing in your career and relationship is merely the latest fad to grip adults in recent years, following on the heels of popular trends such as giving up on your dream of writing a novel, having kids because its a box to check, and gradually feeling alienated in your own body after steady weight gain. |
0 | Calling it a glaring and unacceptable gap in the nations diet, an alarming study released Thursday by the Center for Science in the Public Interest revealed that hundreds of everyday food items remained unavailable in smores flavor. Our research found that numerous itemseven staples such as milk and breadare still rarely found in a smores variety, said CSPI senior nutrition policy counsel Jessica Almy, adding that it was all too easy to fill an entire shopping cart with products completely untouched by artificial graham cracker, chocolate, and marshmallow flavoring agents. Until all food items are chemically manipulated to taste like smores themselves, or at least contain smores filling, we urge consumers to read food labels carefully before purchasing. Almy went on to praise Nabisco for its recent introduction of Smores Oreos, and expressed hope that other brands such as Minute Maid orange juice, Wesson cooking oil, and Hebrew National hot dogs would soon follow suit. |
0 | Drawing attention to the distressing prevalence of outside areas on the planet, researchers at the University of Kansas released an alarming report Monday revealing that a mere 6 percent of the Earths surface is actually indoors. Our team found that a shocking 185 million square miles across the globe are fully out-of-doors in the open air, said lead researcher Priya Chatterjee, adding that on all seven continents, there exist vast stretches of forests, mountain ranges, and bodies of water that are completely exposed to the elements, without so much as a single room where an individual might go inside and relax. It is quite disconcerting to realize that nearly all of the Earths surface is outside, unprotected from meteorological conditions. The reality is that the vast majority of the planet is at risk of getting cold, windblown, or totally soaked. The report also concluded that more research was necessary to determine whether certain as-yet-unclassified locations, such as gazebos, courtyards, and breezeways, should be categorized as indoors or outdoors. |
0 | Highlighting a disturbing reality for many individuals and families throughout the country, a study published Friday by the U.S. Department of Agriculture revealed that an alarming 60 percent of Americans have no idea where their next value meal will come from. Our research found that at any given time, three out of five U.S. residents cannot state where theyll be getting their next combo meal, whether its McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, or some other franchise location, said the reports lead author, Alexis Stamn, noting that in the most disaffected areas of the country, less than 10 percent of residents could confidently tell researchers exactly what combination of burger, fries, and soft drink or shake theyd be having for dinner. Its shocking to think of the millions of children in the U.S. who come home from school every day and simply dont know whether or not their parents will put an Arbys Angus steak sandwich or something from the Taco Bell Dollar Cravings menu on the table that night. Just think of what that does to a child. The study also found that during the past month, a staggering one-eighth of all American children under the age of 10 had gone a full 24 hours without eating a single Happy Meal. |
0 | A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains disturbingly prevalent in modern American society. The unexpectedly high number, determined by analyzing firsthand accounts from across the nation, came as an unwelcome surprise to researchers, who had been operating under the commonly held assumption that bigotry on such a massive scale was a distant relic of the past. 'This simply does not happennot in this day and age,' said researcher Matthew Price, admitting he still had trouble believing the results despite spending weeks rechecking the data to confirm the number was indeed in the double digits. 'I can understand one, possibly two racially charged comments uttered in the heat of the moment, and then quickly recounted and apologized for; people make mistakes, after all. But more than a dozen? That's inconceivable.' 'Maybe in the Deep South back in the '60s, but not in the 21st century, and certainly not in America,' Price added. Describing the data as 'extremely worrisome,' the research team detailed a staggering five occasions on which white people walked faster after noticing a black teenager walking behind them, three instances of a clerk watching black customers extra carefully to make sure they didn't steal anything, and as many as two incidents in which black drivers' vehicles were unfairly targeted for searches by the police. In the only high profile event of its kind, an intoxicated man at a Plano, TX bar openly declared that President Obama, who is of African descent, should 'go back to Kenya where he belongs,' spurring a swift investigation by the Secret Service. 'Our worst fear is that these are merely symptoms of a larger epidemic to come,' said sociologist Tara Montgomery, who with her colleagues hypothesized that, a half-century after the Civil Rights Era, skin color would have no effect on the way people treated one another. 'Logically, there shouldn't even be one act of racism, but we counted 12and we have to assume there were more than that, because our study only recorded outward displays and was unable to measure the hate people feel inside.' 'We can only hope 2011 isn't indicative of an upward trend,' she added. 'Otherwise, we could see instances of race-based bigotry skyrocket to more than 15. Possibly even 20.' In a nation that has the distinction of being the first Western democracy to elect a black person as its leader, sociologists have been hard-pressed to explain the strikingly high figure. Some theorize the 12 acts of bigotry must all have been carried out by individuals suffering from profound and debilitating mental illnesses. However, the study attributed at least two of the infractions to the Presnall family of Hainesville, IL, whose members are widely believed to possess full command of their cognitive faculties while simply remaining 'a bunch of racist assholes.' 'A dozen acts of racial prejudice is entirely inexcusable, but we believe that number puts the problem just barely within the threshold of being manageable,' Montgomery said. 'Which is why it is imperative we take concrete steps to address racism before it becomes a national crisis.' |
0 | According to an alarming report released Friday by the United Nations, nearly 40 million acres of personal space were lost around the world in 2015, with data showing these vitally important yet extremely vulnerable regions are being wiped out at the fastest rate on record. During the last calendar year, the steady encroachment of humans led to a reduction in personal space of about eight percent worldwide, which works out to a loss of more than a square foot for every man, woman, and child on earth, said the reports lead author, Irene Anderson, who noted that personal space has shrunk by more than half since the mid-1900s. We must act quickly and decisively to protect our current personal boundaries if theres any hope of preserving what little personal space we still have left. If we do not drastically change our behavior, its very possible that future generations might grow up in a world where a comfortable buffer zone between them and others simply doesnt exist. The U.N. report warned that the worldwide loss of personal space was rapidly approaching a critical tipping point, placing the global population at extreme risk of catastrophic crowding and jostling. |
0 | YUKON TERRITORYIn an impressive display of the star's reach, a team of University of Calgary zoologists announced Monday the discovery of an Alaska-Yukon moose with a 'faint but definite' awareness of the career arc of Drew Barrymore. The Barrymore-cognizant moose searches for food on the tundra. 'This moose is a magnificent specimen,' said Dr. Joseph Hardenbrook, who came across the animal in the remote North Yukon while conducting field research on the migratory patterns of the species. 'It is remarkable for the enormous antlers it sheds every year, its ability to subsist on twigs and aquatic plants, and its faint cognizance of Barrymore's short-lived marriage to Canadian comic Tom Green.' According to Hardenbrook, the 1,100-pound moose, a member of the family Cervidae, species Alces alces, exhibited a basic level of familiarity with the dramatic ups and downs of Barrymore's professional and personal life. While, for example, it did not know about her infamous on-air flashing of David Letterman, it knew about her nude Playboy spread. The moose, Hardenbrook said, also seems to be aware of Barrymore's red-hot romance with Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti. Drew Barrymore 'I was talking to [fellow scientist] Paula [Angell] about the rumors that Drew is getting engaged to that Strokes guy, when the moose started turning its head,' Hardenbrook said. 'At first, I assumed that the head-turning was part of an effort to detect the scent of wolves and other potential predators, but subsequent tests revealed that the moose knew about the Barrymore-Moretti relationship and, presumably, wanted to join in the conversation.' Study co-chair Andrew Sheehan said the moose knew that Barrymore starred in E.T. at 7, and that she began abusing drugs and alcohol soon after. It did not, however, know the specifics of her substance abuse, including the fact that she had her first drink at age 9, and first tried marijuana at 10 and cocaine at 12. While it vaguely recalled that Barrymore had written an autobiography at age 14, it could not remember the book's title, Little Girl Lost. Some of the Barrymore career highlights of which the moose is aware. 'There definitely were things this moose didn't know,' Sheehan said. 'It had no idea that Steven Spielberg is her godfather and had forgotten that, after years out of the spotlight, she made her return to public consciousness in 1992's Poison Ivy. It could, however, name five of her movies: E.T., The Wedding Singer, Scream, Poison Ivy, and Charlie's Angels. Not too shabby for an animal that lives 250 miles from the nearest town.' Sheehan called the moose's familiarity with Barrymore 'impressive, but not a total aberration.' 'Although this level of celebrity awareness is unusual, it is certainly not without precedent in the animal kingdom,' Sheehan said. 'There have been documented cases of lower invertebrates that were aware of Celine Dion's moving struggle to get pregnant, as well as Komodo dragons that knew about George Clooney's long, hard road to the top of the acting heap.' The scientists hope to continue studying the moose. 'Assuming we get funding, we'd like to gather long-term, longitudinal data, ideally over the course of the next five to ten years,' Hardenbrook said. 'We think we can learn a great deal from this beast about the dissemination of celebrity news among non-primates. What we learn could revolutionize the fields of zoology and infotainment science.' At last sighting, the moose was foraging for food in the harsh winter landscape while gearing up for Barrymore's upcoming blockbuster sequel Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. |
0 | Saying that he feels like an utter moron and is still completely embarrassed, a gray wolf on Thursday told reporters how mortified he is that no one bothered to inform him he had snow all over his nose earlier. Here I am walking around with snow on my nose like a jackass and no one says a goddamned thing, the humiliated Alaskan apex predator said, noting that he encountered dozens of wolves that day without a single one overtly, or even furtively, drawing attention to the glaring clump of powder on the top of his snout. All day long, all fucking day I look like a buffoon, and not one member of my pack has the decency to say Lick the top of your nose a little or Hey, you got a little something there. Unbelievable. At press time, sources confirmed the wolf had not confronted pack members about his grievances and opted instead to take precautionary measures by pawing his nose intermittently whenever he thought they werent looking. |
0 | The ethnic-Albanian village of Pristina was bombed forward into the Stone Age Monday, thrust ahead more than 20,000 years by a Serbian attack. 'The Albanians of the Kosovo region have been bombed from their previous state of anthropological sub-infancy into the earliest dawning of civilization,' Serbian general Ratko Rilosevic said following the raid. According to U.N. spokespersons, the bombing so badly devastated the village that, by the next day, it had developed a hunter-gatherer societal structure and begun to communicate in rudimentary linguistic patterns. 'If the bombing had been any more severe,' said one Red Cross relief worker, 'these villagers might be extracting metals from ferrous ores in order to fashion weapons of retaliation against their attackers.' |
0 | Learn about the history of buckets with a self-guided tour through the museum's four fascinating exhibits, then sit down and watch the hourly documentary about buckets and their role in winning America's independence. |
0 | Saying that he was 'too overwhelmed' with memories of their 2006 World Series run, Albert Pujols couldn't bring himself to do well against former teammate Jeff Suppan during the CardinalsBrewers game last Saturday. 'Seeing his face really choked me up, man,' said Pujols following an 0-for-4 performance, which consisted of letting 12 strikes go past him without taking a single swing. 'His locker used to be right over there, and he would change into his uniform there, too. I hugged him real hard when we won [the World Series].' Despite Pujols' obvious emotional connection to Suppan, the right-handed pitcher said he doesn't remember Pujols saying one word to him last season. |
0 | Cardinals players were reportedly mortified Monday when Albert Pujols embarrassed the entire team in front of 34,965 fans by trotting back to the dugout with first base stuck on the bottom of his left shoe. 'Oh my god, he's such a spaz,' said left fielder Matt Holiday, lowering the bill of his baseball cap and pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt. 'Please don't let anyone in the crowd think that we are with him. Oh Jesus, he's trying to scrape it off and now it's stuck on his other shoe. I swear, if he sits next to me, I'll never be able to show my face around here again.' According to third baseman David Freese, Pujols consistently humiliates everyone in the dugout when he 'claps like a total dork' any time the team does well. |
0 | Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into. 'His technique is nearly perfect, but I can't even warm up without him barreling across the field and sliding into the pitcher's mound,' said Cardinals starter Brad Penny, adding that a suds-covered Pujols also slid into him several times last week during a postgame shower. 'I'm worried he'll wear himself out by sliding into the on-deck circle over and over again. And there's no reason he should be sliding into the St. Louis Arch.' When asked to comment, Pujols slid into a group of reporters. |
0 | Recognized with one of the ceremonys most coveted awards, an album that doesnt even begin to stack up to Fleetwood Macs quintessential musical achievement Rumours reportedly won Album of the Year at the Grammys on Sunday night. Wow, what an honor, said the recipient of the statuette, an individual who sources confirmed could never create anything even remotely on par with what is indisputably the finest and most well-honed artistic statement in rock music, and, furthermore, who isnt one-tenth the songwriter that Lindsey Buckingham is. I just [dont deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the brilliant musicians behind Rumours, a record that since its release has captivated millions with its ingenious yet playful compositions, flawless production, and sheer emotional resonance. The Macs 1977 masterpiece is truly without parallel, and modern-day pop acts such as myself can only dream of ever of creating anything that begins to approach its unsurpassed brilliance]. Thank you. According to ceremony attendees, the presentation of the Best Album award followed the evenings previous announcement of the winners of Best Pop Solo Performance, Song of the Year, and Best New Artist, not one of whom wrote or played on You Make Loving Fun. |
0 | Fans of alcoholic beverages were excited by the opening of J.T. O'Drinky's, a new booze-themed bar. 'Lots of people love alcohol, so we figured that a bar centered on that concept was a natural,' said Jim Reichel, owner and creator of the bar. 'Patrons can enjoy a 'Gin and Tonic,' and other whimsically named drinks, as well as enjoy our decor, which includes posters and neon signs celebrating various beers and liquors.' |
0 | Soon after the 28-year-old leapt off the lid of a dumpster and sprained his ankle Tuesday night, friends of area man Jesse Willard unjustly placed the blame for his questionable behavior on alcohol, sources confirmed. Man, that guy turns into such a moron when he gets a few beers in him, said Sean Taggart, 29, unfairly accusing the chemical ethanol of being responsible for Willard's lack of foresight and poor decision-making, traits that are in fact fundamental features of his personality and are equally present when he's completely sober. Jesse has a bit of an impulsive and destructive side that comes out as soon as he starts drinking. Every night out at the bar [or anywhere else] with him always ends like this. Sources stated that friends have also falsely ascribed Willards sudden outbursts of rage, his boorish forwardness with women, and penchant for uttering racial epithets to alcohol, when in actuality hes just an all-around ass. |
0 | Alcoholic-beverage-consumer confidence hit a record high Friday between the hours of 5 p.m. and 3 a.m., briefly reaching 105.3 points before dropping to 94.2 at last call. 'Weekend market conditions were extremely favorable for cash/beverage trading,' said Byron Seidler of the Board of Alcohol Consumption and Expenditure. 'Drinkers' confidence in the strength of the dollar, in their attractiveness to the opposite sexeven in their dart-playing abilitiesrose sharply.' The last time the Alcoholic-Beverage-Consumer Confidence Index spiked this dramatically was exactly one week earlier during the same time period. Several market sectors reflected the spike, with beverage consumers' confidence surging in dancing, aptitude for bar trivia, and ability to drive. Young women showed a 47 percent increase in dancing on the bar and a 31 percent increase in the slipping off of halter tops. 'I rule,' said 22-year-old secondary-school teacher Kathryn Lazarus. 'Turn that shit up!' According to David Watts, a market analyst at the Federal Reserve Board, a limited regard for ensuing risk characterizes consumers with artificially elevated confidence indices. A group of alcohol consumers in Boston. 'The short-term gains reaped by alcohol consumers can easily lead to an atmosphere of irrational exuberance,' Watts said. 'Decisions made during this period are historically ill-considered and often sorely regretted. Fortunately, the market often corrects itself within several hours, when alcoholic-beverage-consumer confidence shifts into lethargy, loneliness, and maudlin conversations about relationship troubles. In severe cases, however, these spikes can trigger a depression.' Alcohol consumer Kirk Britmer of Raleigh, NC offered a detailed analysis of his weekend's spending patterns. 'I noticed an attractive woman across the bar from me. At first, I was afraid to talk to her because she was with some friends and seemed like she was doing her own thing,' Britmer said. 'But then at one point, she was up next to mereal closeand I offered to get her a drink. By the end of the night, I'd somehow spent $280.' According to Watts, the spike in confidence led some beverage consumers, such as junior communications executive Wallace Bryan, to assume excessive risk. 'I really took a beating Friday,' said Bryan, who lost three teeth in a fight at Bryant's Pub in Houston, TX. 'This guy got ahead of me in line and called me a fag. I haven't been in a fight since grade school, but I think my exact words were, 'Wanna dance, fat boy?'' At the Oyster Bar in Westchester, CA Friday, commodities analyst Nelson Heydritch encouraged his clients to make acquisitions in a local microbrew. 'Hold on,' said Heydritch, before augmenting his own portfolio with a major investment in Johnny Walker Blue. 'You know the secret to getting women? Being a total asshole.' Consumer confidence plunged to 82.1 points Monday, as alcohol consumers returned to work and began feeling a serious market correction. |
0 | Working-class father of four and veteran alcoholic James Schultz, 53, expressed deep disappointment Monday in his 19-year-old son Travis, for 'turning into a goddamn pothead' after moving away from home to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Lifelong alcoholic James Schultz drowns his sorrows about his 'worthless pothead son' Travis (inset). 'After the hard work I put in at the screen-door factory all these years, this is how he rewards me?' Schultz said during a 1:30 a.m. statement held at Captain Pete's Bar and Grill. 'That boy should be working for a living, like his old man, instead of smoking weed and doing God knows what with a bunch of liberal lowlifes.' Schultz punctuated the impromptu speech by finishing off the last of his drink and ordering another from bartender and friend Al Zandek. Members of the family said Schultz and his son fought over Travis' illegal-drug use Sunday, after Schultz found a small bag of marijuana while rifling through the boy's pockets for beer money. The elder Schultz confronted his son at the dinner table that night. 'He slurred his way through a half-coherent lecture on the dangers of addiction, shouting in my face about what a disappointment I was to the family,' Travis said. Travis said Schultz continued his drunken anti-drug tirade well into the night, eventually lumbering out the door, presumably to go to Captain Pete's. When asked to comment on the face-off, Schultz's wife Ellen said that, while it is true that her son has been bringing a lot of funny ideas home, she didn't think college was 'turning him into a druggie.' 'So he tried pota lot of young kids these days do things they later regret,' said Ellen, 51. 'Everybody has regrets about decisions they made when they were young.' Ellen defended her husband, as well. 'James only gets like that because he loves Travis,' she said. 'He's a very sensitive man. A lot of people don't realize that. They only see the temper. It's certainly nothing to call social services about, like [neighbor] Dianne Klosterbaum did last year. It's just the way James is when he's letting off steam.' Safely amongst his drinking buddies at the bar, Schultz continued outlining his disappointment in Travis. 'I wish he'd just sit down over some beers with me and talk this through,' Schultz said. 'But there's no talking sense to a dope addict.' According to drinking companion Doug Blaine, Schultz keeps his feelings to himself, except when he's 'half in the bag.' 'He'd never let on, but he's got a lot of pressures on him, what with his second mortgage, his liver troubles, and his court date coming up,' Blaine said. 'He's real closed off, but sometimes, late at night around last call, he'll start to let you in a little. And it's clear that pothead kid of his is breaking his heart.' 'Why anybody would want to smoke pot is beyond me,' Blaine added. 'Doesn't that kid know that stuff is going to rot his brain?' At 3 a.m., Schultz used his last quarter to call home and wake up Ellen for a ride, explaining that he's already gotten picked up for two DUIs. 'Who's going to drive my wife to work in the morning so we can pay some bills?' Schultz asked. 'That stoner son of mine? I don't think so.' |
0 | Following a tiring weekend, kindergarten teacher and self-described 'party girl' Jeanie Rigby, 29, extended the naptime at Irving KinderKare to three hours Monday. 'Let's get those nap pads out, kids,' Rigby said in what her students described as 'an extra-hushy indoor voice.' 'Quiet time now, so you get your rest and Ms. Rigby gets her juice.' Kindergarteners who only pretended to sleep later said they were pretty sure that Rigby was not faking her own nap. |
0 | Fourth District Alderman Frank Pelson, 47, awoke with a start Monday night, interrupting his recurring zoning dream. 'It was the third night in a row,' Pelson said. 'I'm sitting at my desk, drafting my proposal for the construction of a municipal pool near Franklin Park, when my inbox is besieged with angry petitions from residents who object to the traffic that the public recreational facility would generate.' Pelson said the dream always ends the same way, with him experiencing the sensation of falling out of his office chair into a 60 percent business, 40 percent residential abyss. |
0 | Italy Fencing Style: Poke-heavy Family History: Father was an Olympic fencer; grandfather was an Olympic fencer; great-grandfather enjoyed annoying people by prodding them with a yardstick Prosciutto Company Sponsorships: Del Duca, Levoni Favorite Home-Improvement Tip: When painting exterior of home, follow the daylight around the home, starting on the north side in the morning and proceeding clockwise as the afternoons wears on Level Of Fame: Always goes out in public wearing fencing helmet to avoid being recognized |
0 | Italy Fencing Style: Poke-heavy Family History: Father was an Olympic fencer; grandfather was an Olympic fencer; great-grandfather enjoyed annoying people by prodding them with a yardstick Prosciutto Company Sponsorships: Del Duca, Levoni Favorite Home-Improvement Tip: When painting exterior of home, follow the daylight around the home, starting on the north side in the morning and proceeding clockwise as the afternoons wears on Level Of Fame: Always goes out in public wearing fencing helmet to avoid being recognized |
0 | 49ers Outside Linebacker Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams and Cardinals offensive lines Weakness: Tackling license expired months ago; Only concerned with sacking the opposing teams quarterback, not communicating with him Finishing Move: Throws football through opponents chest, rips out spine Parents: Two hall-of-fame linebackers Football Philosophy: Man have ball, Aldon tackle man DUI To Super Bowl Appearances Ratio: 1 to 1 Lateral Movement: Ferociously scuttles after ball carriers like monstrous crab Toughness: Relentlessly plays through injuries, blood-curdling screams of competitors Most Memorable Sack: Trick questionis unable to form new memories Additional Information: None NEXT: John Harbaugh |
0 | Following his recent arrest at Los Angeles International Airport for making an alleged bomb threat, sources close to San Francisco 49ers linebacker Aldon Smith confirmed Tuesday that the 24-year-old is simply relieved his covert plot for an upcoming terrorist attack was not fully compromised. Its a minor setback, but we should be able to continue moving ahead once the dust settles, Smith reportedly said while on a pay phone, stressing repeatedly that they dont know anything. Everything is finethey thought the bomb thing was a joke. The operation is still set for May 16. Remember: 9 a.m. sharp. At press time, Smith had reportedly left a small unmarked package in a locker at a downtown San Jose bus station and casually walked away. |
0 | Lying on his sofa and flipping through channels Saturday night, Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin settled on a televised hockey game for a few minutes, but reportedly had trouble keeping track of the puck. 'Its going all over the place and it's moving so fasthow is anyone supposed to follow the thing, let alone enjoy watching it?' asked Ovechkin, adding that he had never heard of any of the players on the ice and hadnt even realized Nashville had a hockey team. 'I guess I'd like it more if there were more goals. A lot of my friends say it's better to watch a game in person, but I've been to a few and they're just sort of okay, I guess.' After becoming frustrated with the various colored lines and circles on the surface and the seemingly arbitrary 'icing' penalty, Ovechkin gave up, watched 20 minutes of a college basketball game, and fell asleep. |
0 | All-Star third-baseman and Yankee roster hopeful Alex Rodriguez is still anxiously waiting to receive official word that he has been invited to join the team in Florida for 2007 Spring Training, Rodriguez reported Monday. 'I'm still confident, but I heard that Derek [Jeter] and Jorge [Posada] already got theirs, so I don't know what's taking so long,' said Rodriguez, who has spent the past four hours peering out his front window waiting for the mail truck to drive by. 'Maybe I should call the Yankees to make sure they sent it to my right address? They wouldn't have cut me. No. Certainly not. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this, and I'm just obsessing over nothing. Oh God, what if I was traded?' Rodriguez added that, should he not be formally invited to spring training, he will nonetheless show up, act like he's supposed to be there, and hope no one notices. |
0 | After suffering through much of the year with an aching heart, shattered self-image, and severely hurt feelings, Alex Rodriguez was placed on the 15-day emotionally disabled list, though the Yankee slugger did not rule out the possibility that the emotional wounds he has had to endure this season 'may never truly heal.' 'There is an intense, burning pain deep within me, accompanied by a sinking feeling of complete and total emptiness inside,' said Rodriguez outside his locker Monday night, moments before throwing his tear-stained jersey to the ground and burying his head in his hands. 'It's just too much. I wish it would all just go away.' 'It hurts more than anyone will ever know,' Rodriguez added. Rodriguezwhose thin skin, remarkable sensitivity, and vulnerable nature have made him susceptible to chronic emotional problemshad been exhibiting the telltale signs of mental weakness all season, marked by temporary rapid swelling of the ego followed by alternating bouts of extreme coldness and unusual soreness. However, the incident that triggered the 'major, irreparable damage' to Rodriguez's psyche occurred during last Saturday's game, when fans booed him for striking out to end the seventh inning. 'When it happened, you could just see in his face that something was wrong, that he was trying hard to hide the pain he was feeling on the inside, but then he just audibly snappedyou could hear it all the way from the bleachers,' said teammate Bobby Abreu, who watched from first base as Rodriguez 'came apart right there on the field.' 'It was painful to watch,' he continued. '[Rodriguez] started flailing around, rocking back and forth on the ground, crying uncontrollably I had to look away. Frankly, I was disgusted.' A team of Yankee therapists immediately rushed onto the field and administered a series of soothing, reassuring hugs, to which Rodriguez was unresponsive. Rodriguez was then transported to a nearby psychiatric hospital, where he remains in unstable condition. Yankees manager Joe Torre said that Rodriguez will be emotionally unavailable for this weekend's series, and possibly for the rest of the season. 'A-Rod had been working hard with his mental-skills coach all season to strengthen his resolve, toughen his mind, and build up his self-esteem, but in the end, he applied too much pressure too early, and he just broke down,' Torre said. 'I just want A-Rod to know that we all think he's a very, very good baseball player, and that he's been doing a great job as a New York Yankee.' Rodriguez is set to begin an offseason rehabilitation program, which includes following a strict regimen of mental conditioning, taking mind-strengthening medication such as Prozac, and believing in himself. However, Yankees assistant emotional-healing coach Lee Mazzilli was skeptical of the possibility of Rodriguez making a full recovery, saying that it would be 'a miracle' if Rodriguez ever gets over the hurt he is feeling right now. 'Comprehensive tests and quiet, understanding questioning seem to indicate that A-Rod has been playing all season long with a broken heart,' Mazzilli said. 'It's possible that if he didn't overextend himself, his heart would've healed on its own, but to keep going out there and opening yourself up to that kind of constant abuse and harsh, brutal stress each night He could've torn it right in half.' 'It's possible his broken heart may never mend,' Mazzilli added. Rodriguez's spot on the roster will be filled by Gary Sheffield, who on Friday is eligible to be activated from the 60-day mentally disabled list. |
0 | Citing concern that his fellow major-leaguers would consider him an outcast and overachiever, Alex Rodriguez announced Wednesday that he will not take part in the increasingly unpopular World Baseball Classic. 'The Classic seemed like it would be a great opportunity to represent my country and give baseball unprecedented worldwide exposure; that is, back when everyone else said they were going to be in it, too,' said Rodriguez, who watched as stars like Barry Bonds, Nomar Garciaparra, and John Smoltz withdrew from the tournament in recent weeks. 'When most of the other guys tentatively said they would participate, I thought that playing was a good decision, but after seeing my heroes like the great Mariano Rivera bow out, I am now sure that this is the right, and popular, thing to do.' Rodriguez added that, even though the World Baseball Classic 'is for losers,' he wouldn't rule out playing in the tournament if enough of his friends decide to reconsider their withdrawal. |
0 | Alex Trebek, host of the popular quiz show Jeopardy, deftly prolonged a mid-show chat with contestant Paula Riel into an agonizing 45 seconds Monday. 'So, do you meet many interesting or famous people in your job?' Trebek asked Riel, a 33-year-old Norwalk, CT, flight attendant, during the informal 'meet the contestants' portion of the broadcast. Upon hearing that Riel had once served a Diet Coke to actor Jeff Daniels, Trebek responded, 'He's a very talented actor, although I understand that his latest film was not such a big hit. That's very unfortunate for him.' Riel responded by nodding in a non-committal manner. |
0 | Upon recording his 40th stolen base of the season, in addition to his 45 home runs, and gaining entry into baseball's exclusive 40-40 club, Nationals left-fielder Alfonso Soriano said that after meeting the other three membersJose Canseco, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguezhe now understands why no one has joined in the past eight years. 'From all I had heard, this club was going to give me the opportunity to be among the greats of the game, but it turns out there's only three guys here, and one of themthis big, dumb guy who I still have no idea how he got inkept asking me what kind of steroids I take and if I knew anyone else who took them,' Soriano said. 'I thought this was supposed to be an elite club, but it looks like they'll let just about any asshole in.' Soriano later announced plans to reach the 50-50 plateau as soon as possible so he could 'get out before A-Rod asks [him] for some help with his swing again.' |
0 | Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday, sending shockwaves through the North African nation. According to reports, Ain-Sefra was not shot, hanged, stabbed nor disemboweled by roving hordes of horse-mounted Islamic extremists. I am stunned by this non-violent end to Benis life, Ain-Sefras wife Sumora said. I always imagined that when it was my husbands turn to go to Heaven, he would be cut in half by militants and have his upper body fed to a pack of wild dogs and his legs dumped in a well. This natural, peaceful act of God will take time to sink in. |
0 | 47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEMRoughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Friday he still hasn't gotten around to listening to the whole thing. 'The wind, rain, and surf sounds are pretty cool, but I usually sort of zone out when it gets to the crickets chirping, and then I just end up turning it off,' said Ellinger, adding that he will sometimes put the record on as background noise when he's cleaning his electro-biological habitat. 'And to be totally honest, I almost always skip that track with the mother kissing her baby. It's like, 'Who cares?' you know?' Ellinger said he plans on taking a few things he likes off the recordsuch as the traditional Peruvian wedding song, the humpback whale calls, and the tractor noisesand throwing them on a mix with some Elvis Costello classics. |
0 | IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12Frustrated by 'the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind' in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday he had no choice but to dispatch his own intergalactic forces from 3 million light years away to end the senseless bloodshed. From his floating palace within his gaseous planet's swirling clouds of blue-green ammonia, Supreme Emperor and Dynastic Overlord Thuu'l told reporters that while the human race appeared willing to sit idly by, the planet of Zarklom 12 could no longer turn a blind eye to the mounting casualties in the yearlong uprising against President Bashar al-Assad. 'We have monitored the ongoing violence in the region of your world known as Syria, and we find ourselves as disgusted by your reluctance to stop it as we are horrified by the deaths themselves,' said Thuu'l, an oily, amoeba-like creature who held in his pseudopod a U.N. report indicating al-Assad's forces have killed more than 7,500 civilians. 'It's unbearable to watch even from the far end of the Triangulum Galaxy, and yet you who dwell upon the same planet continue to tolerate it. How is that possible?' 'We understand your species is primitive, but surely even your simplistic, half-formed consciences recognize that this cannot be allowed,' Thuu'l continued. 'Regardless, we have no choice but to take matters into our own hands. Our stellar armada is already on its way. Please do not distract our vessels with your air defenses.' Sources from Zarklom 12 say they have watched human inaction to the Syria crisis with shock and alarm. Clarifying his intentions, Thuu'l assured uneasy reporters the operation was not a wholesale invasion of Earth but a very narrow offensive aimed at dislodging the al-Assad family from power; liberating cities such as Homs, which has been shelled by tanks and rockets unremittingly for a month; and freeing thousands of Syriansmany of them childrenwho have been imprisoned and tortured purely for political reasons. With these goals achieved, a mission the emperor said his infinitely superior military could complete in 'less than 20 of your Earth minutes,' the alien forces will reportedly withdraw to an unobtrusive distance of five parsecs to monitor peacekeeping efforts before finally returning to their home world. 'Understand that your tiny planet is of no strategic importance to us and that we are reluctantly interfering in human affairs only because your pathetic inaction has put us in this position,' Thuu'l said. 'Just this once we will take on this responsibility for you. Do not expect us to save you from yourselves again. From what we've seen, you don't deserve it.' 'It defies all universal logic that the leading nations of your planet failed to agree on a simple resolution calling for an end to the violence in Syria,' added the emperor, expressing bafflement at the human species' 'obvious failure to morally evolve.' 'Why would you not sign such a document? Do you not want the violence to stop?' When told intervention on the part of the world community would be fraught with political complications, the emperor shook his bulbous, reddening macronucleus and asked why Earth's civilization had not been sufficiently organized to prevent such basic, horrendous plights as the widespread mass murder of its own members. 'Humans should not be permitted to do these terrible things to other humans,' Thuu'l said. 'Surely you must understand that much. You are sentient beings, correct?' When reached for comment, President al-Assad reiterated his denials of a brutal government crackdown and said he was prepared to die. At press time, with the U.N. continuing to urge Syria to allow the delivery of humanitarian aid, the sound of artillery had paused as 100,000 spacecraft filled the sky. |
0 | A coalition of extraterrestrials representing some two trillion lifeforms across the five major planetary confederations descended on Earth Monday to speak out against 'the demeaning, degrading and hurtful portrayals' of aliens in the planet's media. Gnortakk, a spokesbeing for Extraterrestrials For Media Equity, speaks to Earthling reporters. 'Attention! People of Earth!' said Gnortakk, Son Of K'Tzazzghn, spokesbeing for Extraterrestrials For Media Equity. 'The preponderance of stereotypical and condemnatory images of non-Earth species in your films, TV programs, books and video games can no longer be tolerated.' 'For years, we have endured your planet's depiction of aliens as either ruthless, tyrannical conquerors or bumbling, ineffectual, 'comic relief' creatures,' Aegon, Fifth Of The Five, said. 'It's high time humanoids presented positive, realistic images of aliens going about their everyday lives.' Presenting a montage of clips from such Hollywood fare as Independence Day, Mars Attacks!, Species, Men In Black, Sphere, and the Alien trilogy, Aegon noted that the films' extraterrestrials are portrayed as 'ruthless, arbitrary murderers, bent on destroying the human race.' 'And why would we want to destroy you?' Aegon asked. 'To colonize your wretched, oxygen-polluted planet? To steal your paltry resources, as if we did not have molecular-constitution technology of our own? No planet has ever made such a threat to Earth, yet, time and time again, from War Of The Worlds on down, we have been depicted as single-minded killers. That's just plain hurtful.' 'Yes, some aliens are bent upon the destruction or subjugation of the Earth,' Malorf Of Gundarg said. 'But why focus exclusively on them when there are trillions of other species that only seek scientific learning or peaceful unification of the races? The vast majority of us are simply carbon, silicon or gas-based lifeforms, just trying to survive and propagate the species, the same as all of you.' In addition to the Earth-media's 'blatantly xenophobic' characterization of aliens as violent, the EME blasted 'the equally damaging depiction of aliens as ignorant and uncivilized.' 'In the rare instances in which aliens are shown as non-threatening or even friendly to humans, they are typically dim-witted and fearfuland always subservient,' said K'qqq'tthhb Of The Meta-Entity, underscoring his point with clips from the popular Star Wars films, in which such alien sidekicks as Chewbacca and Jar Jar Binks provide comic relief. 'Viewing these images, it is not hard to see why many Earthlings grow up convinced of their own inherent superiority in the universe.' A scene from <I>Independence Day</I>, which aliens say 'set back our cause trillions of years.' 'I'd love to see the mightiest Earthling try to navigate the sodium jungles of Skorg-7,' K'qqq'tthhb added. 'You humans wouldn't even exist if not for the fact that your planet is protected under the Cassiopeian Accord as a wildlife preserve.' One of the most harmful effects of the media's negative images of aliens, EME spokesbeings said, is that they leave young aliens with no positive role models to emulate. 'The children of Bleemo need to see images of space-beings like themselves doing good things so they can realize that they, too, are capable of such achievements,' Blanthus, Spawn Of Malthus, said. 'Instead of always casting an alien as the cruel planetary overlord, perpetuating an offensive, eons-old stereotype, why can't Hollywood have a space creature be a doctor or a schoolteacher or a fireman?' Blanthus called for an increase in 'positive, uplifting storylines, in which humans and aliens work together against the real enemies, like the sun-devouring plasma cloud of Gwill-VII or the impending collapse of the space-time continuum at the ruptured black hole in the farthest reaches of the Milky Way.' Responding to the EME charges, 20th Century Fox released a statement Tuesday denying that its films and television programs are specist. '20th Century Fox has always strived to create movies and TV shows that celebrate the gloriously diverse spectrum of life that is our universe,' the release said. 'Jar Jar and other such characters are funny, friendly creatures who no more smack of specism than does E.T.' Osgorothax Of Snarn, Under-Praetor of the EME, blasted the 20th Century Fox statement as 'deeply troubling and indicative of the very problem at hand.' 'Hollywood is interested in one thing and one thing only: maintaining the pan-galactic status quo,' Osgorothax said. 'How can anyone deny this when, in this supposedly enlightened day and age, utterly distasteful and wholly offensive programs like 3rd Rock From The Sun are considered acceptable for widespread viewing? Earthlings, this is your final warning: Clean up your act now or prepare to suffer the consequences.' |
0 | Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay. Im feeling all right today, said Lambert, who reportedly only attained such a state after the alignment of several thousand factors that included consuming neither too much nor too little coffee, someone turning up the offices heat, his wireless internet running well, not suddenly remembering an argument from three weeks ago, his heartburn remaining dormant, the subway train running on time, not seeing any exuberant social media posts from his friends announcing significant personal accomplishments, the Philadelphia Flyers winning, a lack of any precipitation, no one noticing he nicked himself shaving, a sufficient but not excessive number of new emails in his inbox upon waking up and checking his phone, his neighbors watching TV at a reasonable volume, the deli still having the kind of bread he likes his sandwiches on by the time he arrived for lunch, and managing to slip silently past his coworker Elaine whenever he walked by her cubicle without being drawn into a long conversation. I cant complain. At press time, the delicate equilibrium was shattered after Lambert went online to check his bank accounts balance. |
0 | WASHINGTON, DCSupreme Court sources say the 'Third Circuit anecdotes' told by newest associate justice Samuel Alito are irritating his colleagues. 'This morning, he told us how the Third Circuit judges write their opinions at home,' Justice Clarence Thomas said. 'I don't care what they do on the Third Circuit, Justice Alito should compose his opinions in the office.' Sources say Alito also has 'an annoying habit of mentioning that he was the editor of his high-school yearbook.' |
0 | Just days before the start of the season, representatives from every NFL franchise have come forward to state that they are not going to let doubters hold them back, and that they are using 'all the hate' as fuel for the 2010 campaign. 'All those people out there betting against us are just more motivation to shock the world,' said running back Reggie Bush of the defending Super Bowl champion and preseason Super Bowl-favorite Saints, echoing the sentiments of the Super Bowl runner-up Indianapolis Colts, the NFC runner-up Minnesota Vikings, and every other player and coach around the league. 'No one's giving us a chance, but we prefer it this way. We're fine flying under the radar all season.' Every NFL team later went on to guarantee it would make the playoffs, with the exception of the St. Louis Rams, who said their underdog status made complete sense because they are a 'horrendous, just absolutely horrendous, football team.' |
0 | With NFL free agency looming, every team across the league is gearing up to compete for coveted star wide receiver Randy Moss, wide receiver Randy Moss reported Saturday. After leading the 49ers to the Super Bowl with yet another stellar season, Randy Moss is going to be the hottest free agent pickup of 2013, said Moss, adding that the San Francisco front office will do their utmost to re-sign the 35-year-old wideout, but will face incredibly stiff competition from the other 31 NFL franchises. Teams are already clearing cap space and making room on their roster just in case they have a shot at landing Moss. Hes far and away the best receiver in the league, so frankly even the slightest prospect of signing him is enough to have every GM excited. |
0 | Thinking back on the moments that brought him the most joy in his life, local 13-year-old Adam Poole reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon reminiscing about several of his fondest memories, all of which were instances when his father was trying to make up for something. It was so awesome when Dad took me to a Giants game, just me and him out there in the bleachersthat was the best, said Poole, referring to an outing prompted entirely by his fathers guilt over missing his sons first soccer match. And one time he picked my brother and me up after school and took us to the arcade [after losing his temper and launching into a string of profanities in front of the two small children]. He gave us a bunch of quarters and said we could play whatever we wanted and kept telling us we were good kids. That was such a fun day. Poole then smiled warmly as he recalled how his father often came home with ice cream for the whole family on nights he returned from work after 8 p.m. |
0 | Shortly after 3 p.m. today, the Federal Aviation Administration ordered the immediate grounding of all commercial and private aircraft, a result of top officials' collective realization that humankind was never meant to fly. 'It is wrongnay, foolishfor lowly man to aspire to the realm of birds and dare to soar across the firmament in unholy flight,' said FAA administrator Randy Babbitt, announcing the indefinite cancellation of all 87,000 daily flights through U.S. airspace. 'Alas, man's destiny lies not amongst the clouds. So let us be guided by hubristic folly no longer and embrace our terrestrial provenance.' Addressing concerns from thousands of disaffected passengers, Babbitt also stated that man was not meant to be reunited with any luggage that had been bumped onto a later flight. |
0 | Hey OSNation! The Toad is BACK in 2011 and he's slinging predictions like he's running out of fish heads! Go ahead and double check his picks at your own peril; the Toad senses doubt and he will absolutely spew ink all over anyone that doesn't respect his powers! Just in case you forgot, here's the Toad's recent resume: |
0 | Citing the teachings of classical laissez-faire economics, leading economists explained Tuesday that the all-knowing invisible hand of free-market capitalism had yet again guided millions of dollars in profits to bead stores across the nation. When left to govern themselves, the forces of supply and demand will always allocate money and resources most efficiently between market actors, in this case, by redistributing tens of millions of dollars of individuals earnings to purveyors of loose glass, crystal, pewter, and acrylic beads each year, said Princeton University economist Markus Brunnermeier, confirming that the principles of competitive markets put forth by pioneering 18th-century thinker Adam Smith ensured that stores with names such as Beadniks, String-A-Strand, and Fun 2 Bead would continue to thrive commercially. Given that producers and consumers have freedom of choice to buy and sell wares as they please, our current market, in which stores make thousands upon thousands of dollars a day by selling beads, wires on which to string beads, and offering evening classes in custom beaded bracelet making, is, by definition, the optimal outcome for society as a whole. Brunnermeier also added that the principles of the division of labor put forth by Adam Smith in his seminal treatise The Wealth Of Nations ensured that workers at bead stores all display extremely heightened levels of skill and productivity at their positions. |
0 | Every member of the racially diverse Pryor Road postal station's staff was required to attend a multiculturalism-sensitivity seminar Monday. 'Basically, we addressed key dimensions of diversity and ethnicity that federal employees might encounter,' Prism Diversity consultant Brian Leukwick said. 'My goal was to reach participants both emotionally and intellectually, while helping them uncover their unwitting preconceived notions about other cultures. The group didn't seem as curious about what I had to say as the staffs in Homerville and Folkston, but I think it went all right.' The workshop was divided into three segments. During the first, Leukwick spoke about himself and how he came to recognize his own hidden biases as a white male. Mail sorter Juanita Nunez was asked for her opinion of Leukwick's opening remarks. 'Monday my computer was down for two hours,' Nunez said. 'It was the third time this week, and our sorting unit is still on the fritz four days after it was reported to Central. I'm sorry, did you say you have something you needed to mail?' The seminar included two video presentations: 'A Wider Net Captures Bigger Fish' and 'Who Should Be Sitting Next To You?' The videos were followed by a series of guided exercises designed to help participants understand the value of diversity. 'We spent half an hour coming up with phrases that might confuse people who didn't grow up speaking English,' Jason Nguyen said. 'I didn't grow up speaking English. Here is a phrase that confuses me: 'Why is the front wheelbase on our jeeps narrower than the fucking rear one so we fucking get stuck in the mud every two fucking days?' Management should have a seminar to discuss that.' 'I got one, too,' LaMont Tibideaux said. 'It's, um, 'Could someone please explain the changes to our dental-insurance coverage and why I can't get my kid's teeth fixed until January?'' Leukwick spent the final portion of the afternoon leading the staff through a series of role-playing exercises in which the postal employees37 percent African-American, 32 percent Hispanic, and 31 percent other races including Jewish, Haitian, Vietnamese, and Puerto Ricanencountered people of another race or creed. Mail carrier Casey Lopez-Castro was asked how the exercises helped her to develop her cultural competence. 'We need summer uniforms,' Lopez-Castro said. 'I'm not doing another August like last year. We ordered our shorts more than a year ago. Where are they? Lost in the mail?' U.S. Postal Service training director Guy Christman, speaking by phone from Cuthbert, GA, said he arranged for each local postal worker to attend the seminar after he attended a national Postal Service diversity conference last May. 'I found the diversity seminar to be of great value,' Christman said. 'It awakened me to the plight of the underrepresented minorities. There was a time when a man or a woman could get by without considering the dynamic force of diversity, but not in the modern world. One ignores it at peril of being left behind.' Pryor Road station manager Michael De Leon was required to attend the seminar, as well. 'Hey, I don't like it any more than anyone else,' De Leon said. 'The head office makes us do these things. I tell my staff, 'Just do what I do: Sneak in a crossword puzzle.' It makes the seminar go a lot faster.' According to Leukwick, employees often resist diversity. 'It's common for people to feel defensive,' Leukwick said. 'People have trouble listeningI mean really listeningto each other. That's where I come in. Because it's all about communication. If you can't listen in the modern business world, you are doomed.' |
0 | Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charles Pardahee, Pardahee said Friday. 'There were definitely some nights I'd lie awake in bed and wonder, 'Is Sam absolutely killing himself day in and day out for nothing?'' Pardahee told reporters while driving to his weekend home in a recently purchased 2012 BMW luxury sedan. 'But Sam just put his head down and never looked back, and this year his blood, sweat, and tears have proven profitable to the tune of a 15 percent larger bonus for myself.' 'It just goes to show that if you're really passionate and dedicated, eventually it all comes back around to your superiors,' Pardahee continued. The stress-related physical and psychological tolls for Hemstead, 34, have been high, but the hypertension, weight-gain, and crippling migraine headaches he has suffered due to his rigorous work schedule have been worth the rewards he has reaped for his employer, Pardahee confirmed. 'I'm sure there were times when Sam wondered if it was all really worth it, especially considering he had to pay for a lot of his medication and doctor's visits out of his own pocket,' said Pardahee, who in 2009 forced all his account managers to become contract employees so he would no longer have to provide them with health care benefits. 'But he never complained once, and now that Sam has helped Pinnacle earn record profits by not taking a single day off for more than five years, I can finally relax and take another long vacation to Turks and Caicos. After all, Sam earned it for me.' The CEO added that nothing is more satisfying than a job well done by someone else. While Hemstead's total devotion to the company has come at a steep personal cost, these too are reportedly acceptable considering the immense financial gains and professional accolades he has garnered for Pardahee. 'When Sam's wife filed for divorce and eventually won custody of his two daughters, he completely threw himself into his job in an attempt to cope as his life fell apart all around him,' Pardahee said. 'That was great, because it allowed me to drastically scale back my workload and spend even more time with my wife and children.' 'Seeing most of his paycheck go to child support has made me really value all the things I can do with my kids because of Sam's hard work,' Pardahee continued. 'Considering all he continues to do for this company without even thinking about taking a break, he's afforded me all the time in the world to just enjoy life and not be defined by my job.' According to the CEO, Hemstead's contributions to Pinnacle Insurance will pay even greater dividends when he is let go and replaced with a college graduate willing to work for half the salary, allowing Pardahee to give himself a substantial raise. |
0 | FLAGSTAFF, AZ'Mommy, Woofers is lonely out there in the doghouse! He wants to come in and play!' says attention-starved Billy Tobin, 10. Members of the Tobin family, including neurosis receptacle Woofers. 'That dog doesn't care about being in this house! He just wants to run around,' counters mother Janet Tobin, 44, an unhappily married homemaker. 'Will you two be quiet? All that poor dog wants is to be left alone!' says Bob Tobin, 50, world-weary father and unfaithful husband to Janet. So goes a typical exchange with the Tobins, a dysfunctional Flagstaff family whose members possess an uncanny ability to project all of their various neuroses onto the innocent psyche of Woofers, the family dog. 'It is not unusual for a neurotic personality to project unresolved issues onto an infant, pet, house, or other neutral entity that is incapable of expressing its own opinions and feelings,' said University of Arizona psychology professor Dr. Jonah Douglas. 'But while such projection is far from uncommon, the fact that this family has managed to project every last one of its problems onto a single being, Woofers the dog, is truly exceptional.' The use of Woofers as a third-party neurosis receptacle is a daily occurrence within the Tobin household, with unspoken dissatisfaction, pain, and anger constantly displaced from its true source and transferred to the tabula rasa that is, for them, the dog's psyche. Said Douglas: 'Thanks to Woofers, the Tobins need never directly confront any of their longstanding personal and interpersonal issues, enabling them to perpetuate their self-defeating behaviors in an endless cycle of collective denial. He is the emotional glue that keeps this horribly maladjusted clan from tearing itself apart.' Grandmother Ellen Tobin, 78, who lives in constant fear that she will be put away in a rest home, tells fellow family members that 'Woofers is never coming back' every time the dog is not in the same room as her. 'Where's Woofers? Where's Woofers?' Ellen shouted at daughter Janet recently. 'You sent him to the pound, didn't you? Didn't you?' Similarly, 14-year-old Renee Tobin constantly berates the animal for being 'smelly, mangy, and ugly'not realizing that she is actually expressing deep-seated insecurities about her own changing body and budding sexuality. 'Can't somebody ever give that dog a bath? It's gross!' Another telling incident occurs when Billy returns home from elementary school, where he is unpopular and alienated, to a home where he receives little affirmation and approval. He passionately hugs Woofers, mistakenly believing that the dog is sad and lonely without him. 'You just need some love,' says Billy, offering Woofers a treat as he gazes at the dog's blank, uncomprehending face. 'You're by yourself all day long, and you must've really missed me, huh, Woofers? Isn't that right? Yes, it is. Yes, it is.' When Woofers responds enthusiastically, jumping up and down in response to the attention and food he receives during this daily greeting ritual, Billy erroneously interprets this as a sign of the dog's agreement with what he is saying. 'Get that dog off my bed right now!' yells Janet, whose repressed awareness of her husband's longtime infidelity has led the pair to sleep in separate beds for the past six years. 'Put him out in the yard where he belongs. That's all he wants anywayto run around, sniffing every tree and bush in the neighborhood!' 'If that dog wants to run around all night long, let him,' adds Janet, totally unaware of the transparent nature of her oft-repeated complaint. 'He's just going to be scratching at the door all night anyway if you don't let him out. If that's what he wants, why keep him cooped up in a place he obviously hasn't wanted to be for a long time? Who cares what he does all night, so long as he's not doing it here? Let him howl at the moon all night for all I care.' 'Must you snipe at him all day long?' Bob responds. 'He's had it up to here with all the shouting. Great, now he's whining again. I hope you're happy. He can't take all this constant noise. Dogs have very sensitive hearing, you know. Look at his face! Can't you see that you're driving the poor animal crazy? No wonder he wants to get out.' Though the Tobins are deeply troubled, they can feel confident that they will not have to confront any of their problems any time soon, thanks to the heroic, if unintentional, role that Woofers plays in their lives. 'To the best of my knowledge, in the annals of modern psychiatric science, there has never been a case of one creature serving as an essential emotional proxy to so many people,' Douglas said. 'Woofers must indeed be a profoundly exceptional animal. A lesser dog would have cracked under the strain of so many mutually contradictory projections long ago.' |
0 | Saying that no other fact about him elicits more interest and attention from others, local man Travis Whitaker explained to reporters Friday how all of his numerous accomplishments are routinely overshadowed by his hefty birth weight of 10 pounds, 6 ounces. You know, Ive risen pretty far at my law firm in only a few years, I ran track at college, and Ive played piano my whole life, but as soon as people find out how much I weighed as a newborn, all of that goes right out the window, and they just want to talk about how much bigger I was than regular babies, said Whitaker after excusing himself from a break room conversation that was sidetracked by a question about whether he look[ed] like the Michelin Man back then. I always get a way bigger reaction to that than when I talk about my trip to Patagonia or the law journal article I had published. Once they hear how large I was, their eyes just light up, and all they care about is asking to see my baby pictures so they can look at my big chubby cheeks. At press time, sources confirmed that a coworker was interrupting Whitakers story about studying abroad for a year in Venice to say that his delivery must have been hell on his mother. |
0 | Saying that he was now paying the price for his failure to properly pace himself, Talos Analytics junior marketing associate Cameron Gaither, 28, admitted to reporters Wednesday that he had completely exhausted all of his usual time-wasting websites well before lunchtime. Christ, Ive already checked all of todays Gawker posts and everything new on Boing Boing and its not even noon yet, said Gaither, noting that he had additionally plowed through the latest updates on Fail Blog, Texts From Last Night, and Bleacher Report, where he typically fritters away his time throughout the course of a full workday. Man, Im really running out of ideas here. Ive even taken another pass at the XKCD archives and burned through just about every subreddit I can think of. What the hell am I supposed to do for the next six hours? Gaither confirmed that his current dilemma was the worst hed faced since last week when he got roped into attending a morning sales meeting and consequently had to spend the rest of the day fervently catching up on all of the online time-squandering hed missed. |
0 | Stating it is time to rethink how the nation lays a foundation for a better tomorrow, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday that all of the federal government's resources will now be directed exclusively toward the 50 children who actually represent the country's future. 'Ensuring the continued prosperity of our great nation is my number-one priority as president,' Obama said during a press conference, standing alongside Cabinet members and several of the nation's few dozen legitimately promising minors. 'And there is no use squandering any more of our valuable time and money on the myth that every child is capable of attaining success and one day changing the world. That simply isn't true.' 'It is absolutely essential that we cut our losses now and focus only on those talented young Americans who will in fact usher in a brighter, better America. Namely, Malik Roberts, the Zelenev twins of Maryland, and 5-year-old Ella May here,' Obama continued. 'These particular children are our future.' According to Obama, under the bipartisan-backed initiative known as America's 50 Stars, the handful of future medical pioneers, technology innovators, and titans of industry will henceforth receive the roughly $1 trillion previously spent each year on the 76 million American youths who the president said are, 'quite frankly, not our country's next, best hope.' Noting the vast majority of American children are not even capable of leading the United States into 'a decent era, much less a bold new one,' officials confirmed the nation has already begun to shutter schools and universities nationwide; wind down programs such as Head Start, Federal Student Aid, and the Children's Health Insurance Program; and end all other government spending on the 99.9 percent of children determined by experts to certifiably not be our nation's most valuable natural resource. 'In challenging times such as these, there is really no use in pretending all of our children represent the best we have to offer, because in every conceivable sense, that just isn't the case,' said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that operating under this delusion had cost the nation untold trillions of dollars. 'We want our country to remain strong and competitive, obviously, and for the next generation to make a better world than the one we left for them. Thereforeand trust me on thiswe must put everything we have into these 50 kids, and only these 50 kids, because their less meritorious peers are, by comparison, outright dullards.' Thus far, the plan has elicited sharp criticism from parents nationwide. Many have attacked the 50 Stars program as unfair and profligate, citing its $20 billion in annual spending per pupil on items such as particle colliders and radio telescopes, as well as its highly favorable 1-to-18 student-teacher ratio and faculty composed entirely of Nobel laureates. In response to this criticism, the government has launched a campaign aimed at comprehensively informing irate parents just how inferior their children are in every quantifiable category. 'The hand-selected children in the 50 Stars program display boundless levels of intelligence, creativity, and academic curiosity, and will surely guide our country into a thrilling new age of economic expansion and scientific discovery,' Duncan said. 'Take 7-year-old Jesse Dominguez, who has already mastered calculus. If any parents out there can prove their children are capable of anything even remotely close to that, then by all means let us know. Otherwise, sorry, but there's nothing we can do for you.' According to members of Congress, in addition to saving taxpayer dollars by eliminating the need to purchase thousands of copies of textbooks, the plan will force the vast majority of Americans under 18 to 'fend for themselves,' ensuring that disease and infighting thin out their numbers markedly and thereby further reduce the federal budget. 'Honestly, whether we implement this program or not, the entire nation will eventually be reliant on these 50 remarkable children for jobs and societal advancementall we're doing is ensuring they are as prepared as possible and cutting out the wasteful spending on everyone else,' said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), explaining that the 'sooner Americans accept this fact, the smoother things will go.' 'My advice to the rest of the nation's kids is to sit down, be quiet, and await your orders from our future leaders.' 'And please, don't attempt to pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and succeed on your own,' Rubio added. 'We've seen how well that's worked in the past.' |
0 | Nearly three months after the Sept. 11 disaster, traditional capitalism is reasserting itself, as profits are once again being kept by the corporations earning them. 'No portion of each sale of this product will go toward the WTC Police Disaster Relief Fund,' reads a sticker on the cover of A Very Sony Christmas, an all-star compilation CD released Tuesday. A similar notice on packages of Fruit Of The Loom men's cotton briefs reads, 'All proceeds will go directly into the fourth-quarter earnings of Fruit Of The Loom, Ltd.' |
0 | All the great countries in the world have anthems. Since the selfnews Sports Network is greater than all the countries in the world, it is only fitting that we should have our own anthem more glorious and majestic than any other anthem out there. We are pleased to present to you now the lyrics and audio to For The Love Of Sport Eternal, the new OSN anthem that will be giving you chills and making you cry for the foreseeable future. Feel free to write additional stanzas and submit them to OSN: much like the love of sport, we would like, one day, for this anthem to also be eternal. Listen to an exclusive passage here Remember, this is a finely honed, carefully crafted anthem. All nine stanzas must be sung in any one rendition, or all honor and pride the singer is hoping to invoke will be lost and replaced with shame: For the balls are in the air And the crowd is in their seats OSN we celebrate Your most daring of feats! We pluck balls from the air, Throw the long pass downfield, OSN to your mighty Sports cov'rage we yield! Well the roundballs will bounce And the sneakers will squeak OSN will stand strong And bring sports to the weak! The fans start to cheer And they get to their feat For OSN, it is here -- And the cheers, they repeat! The arenas are filled With sports' fortunate few OSN brings the rest A superior view! The arenas are filled And the fans start to cheer As OSN takes the court And defeats all our fear! OSN in the ring OSN on the court If the O isn't there, Then it isn't a sport! Score the points for your team And the triumph is yours OSN brings you fame It will open the doors! Where our heroes are born And the villains are slain OSN, you can make Purest beauty from pain! |
0 | The seven deadly sinsavarice, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, pride, and wrathwere all committed Sunday during the twice-annual bake sale at St. Mary's of the Immaculate Conception Church. Patti George (far right) commits the sin of envy as she eyes fellow parishioner Mary Hoechst's superior strawberry rhubarb pie. In total, 347 individual acts of sin were committed at the bake sale, with nearly every attendee committing at least one of the seven deadly sins as outlined by Gregory the Great in the Fifth Century. 'My cookies, cakes, and brownies are always the highlight of our church bake sales, and everyone says so,' said parishioner Connie Barrett, 49, openly committing the sin of pride. 'Sometimes, even I'm amazed by how well my goodies turn out.' Fellow parishioner Betty Wicks agreed. 'Every time I go past Connie's table, I just have to buy something,' said the 245-pound Wicks, who commits the sin of gluttony at every St. Mary's bake sale, as well as most Friday nights at Old Country Buffet. 'I simply can't help myselfit's all so delicious.' The popularity of Barrett's mouth-watering wares elicited the sin of envy in many of her fellow vendors. 'Connie has this fantastic book of recipes her grandmother gave her, and she won't share them with anyone,' church organist Georgia Brandt said. 'This year, I made white-chocolate blondies and thought they'd be a big hit. But most people just went straight to Connie's table, got what they wanted, and left. All the while, Connie just stood there with this look of smug satisfaction on her face. It took every ounce of strength in my body to keep from going over there and really telling her off.' While the sins of wrath and avarice were each committed dozens of times at the event, Barrett and longtime bake-sale rival Penny Cox brought them together in full force. 'Penny said she wanted to make a bet over whose table would make the most money,' said Barrett, exhibiting avarice. 'Whoever lost would have to sit in the dunk tank at the St. Mary's Summer Fun Festival. I figured it's for such a good cause, a little wager couldn't hurt. Besides, I always bring the church more money anyway, so I couldn't possibly lose.' Moments after agreeing to the wager, Cox became wrathful when Barrett, the bake sale's co-chair, grabbed the best table location under the pretense of having to keep the coffee machine full. Cox attempted to exact revenge by reporting an alleged Barrett misdeed to the church's priest. 'I mentioned to Father Mark [O'Connor] that I've seen candles at Connie's house that I wouldn't be surprised one bit if she stole from the church's storage closet,' said Cox, who also committed the sin of sloth by forcing her daughter to set up and man her booth while she gossiped with friends. 'Perhaps if he investigates this, by this time next year, Connie won't be co-chair of the bake sale and in her place we'll have someone who's willing to rotate the choice table spots.' The sin of lust also reared its ugly head at the bake sale, largely due to the presence of Melissa Wyckoff, a shapely 20-year-old redhead whose family recently joined the church. While male attendees ogled Wyckoff, the primary object of lust for females was the personable, boyish Father Mark. Though attendees' feelings of lust for Wyckoff and O'Connor were never acted on, they did not go unnoticed. 'There's something not right about that Melissa Wyckoff,' said envious and wrathful bake-sale participant Jilly Brandon, after her husband Craig offered Wyckoff one of her Rice Krispie treats to 'welcome [her] to the parish.' 'She might have just moved here from California, but that red dress of hers should get her kicked out of the church.' According to St. Mary's treasurer Beth Ellen Coyle, informal church-sponsored events are a notorious breeding ground for the seven deadly sins. 'Bake sales, haunted houses, pancake breakfasts... such church events are rife with potential for sin,' Coyle said. 'This year, we had to eliminate the 'Guess Your Weight' booth from the annual church carnival because the envy and pride had gotten so out of hand. Church events are about glorifying God, not violating His word. If you want to do that, you're no better than that cheap strumpet Melissa Wyckoff.' |
0 | Expressing regret that joyless, wrongheaded ESPN commentator and attack journalist Skip Bayless could not be dealt with otherwise, commissioners from every major professional sporting league, top officials of amateur athletic associations, and representatives of player unions reached an agreement Wednesday to end the practice of competitive sports in order to forever deprive Bayless of any subject matter. 'It's a shame that it had to come to this, but there's just no other way to stop Skip Bayless than to stop playing sports,' Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said in his final statement before forever closing the books on the national pastime. 'Ending baseball is a tragedy, but if our sacrifice means Bayless stops spewing his petty, hateful vitriol, it will all be worth it.' 'Will we miss football? Of course we will,' said NFL Players Association president Kevin Mawae, who confirmed that professional football players would join all other pro athletes in turning in their uniforms and shredding their playbooks by May 1. 'It's all most of us know. But for a long time now, there's been a feeling that football wasn't worth playing as long as Skip Bayless was able to take these ridiculously adversarial devil's-advocate stances purely to rile up viewers and get attention. It's better this way.' As part of the universal agreement to silence Bayless, Major League Baseball will discontinue all play Saturday night after Bayless has gone to bed; the NBA and NHL will announce their cessation at an unspecified time this weekend to deny Bayless an opportunity to nastily criticize their playoff pictures; and NASCAR will quietly close down once and for all Friday before Bayless can make some strident but idiotic statement about the sport as if he watched it all the time and were not simply reacting to something he had read that day. By the end of this month, all high school gymnasiums will be permanently locked up, every swimming pool filled with concrete, and all soccer and baseball fields paved over to prevent anyone from ever trying to hold any vaguely athletic event about which Bayless could possibly make the smallest disparaging remark. In addition, all related sanctioning bodies, sponsors, and athletic associations have agreed to help stanch the corrosive blather originating from within Bayless by canceling, at every level, all NCAA athletics; Little League Baseball; the Scripps National Spelling Bee; Dancing With The Stars; Scottish Highland games; the Indy Racing League; the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show; the Boston, New York, and Chicago marathons; and soccer's World Cup. 'I love sports,' said 85-year-old Brooklyn resident Myron Bell. 'I love all the New York teams, and there's been nothing better in my life than sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon and watching the games on television. But by God, this is the best news I've heard in years.' According to sources familiar with the agreement, Bayless is expected to fume and fulminate through the weekend about whatever sports remain. After all athletic competition ceases to be, it is predicted he will rail, harangue, and whine like a spoiled child for several more days, complaing over the fact that sports has indeed ended. However, most say that after roughly a week without an outlet for his disdain and hatred, Bayless will begin to choke on his own bile and be silenced for good, living the rest of his years silently curled around his bone-deep contempt for all that is pleasurable and good. Officials said that to prevent Bayless from emerging once again to 'make that prim little mirthless half-smile he puts on when he pretends to listen to other people talk,' all children must burn their baseball gloves, tennis rackets, basketballs, and any sports-related equipment by 2 p.m. next Sunday. 'Sport, of course, should be an exultation of the human spirit, a coming-together of all people, and a celebration of what humanity is capable ofin short, a symbol of what is best in each of us,' said International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge, who announced that the eternal Olympic flame in Lausanne, Switzerland, would be forever extinguished this weekend. 'Unfortunately, the poisonous words and deeds of Skip Bayless have ruined this, for all men, for all time.' Bayless, 58, began his infamous career as a locally hated sports journalist, writing for newspapers in Miami, Los Angeles, and Dallas. After Bayless appeared on ESPN's Jim Rome Is Burning, where he instantly eclipsed Rome as America's least-appealing sports commentator, the network offered Bayless the chance to be infuriating and wrong about sports on a daily basis as a despicable fixture on sports talk show Cold Pizza, which in turn led to loudmouth contrarian stints on First Take and 1st and 10. Soon, the smug, smirking Bayless had made ESPN's daily programming all but unwatchable. 'Frankly, ESPN deserves a large share of the blame. That's why we are shutting the network down as of tomorrow,' ESPN president George Bodenheimer said. 'We can only hope our sacrifice will be enough. Luckily, knowing Skip, I don't believe he will be able to think of anything to say if he doesn't have sports to denigrate, run down, or throw under the bus.' 'I know you are wondering why we employed him in the first place,' Bodenheimer added. 'And so are we. But I think in a weird way we just felt bad for the guy.' Bayless was not approached for comment. |
0 | Growing increasingly discouraged while scrolling through the wedding website for college friends Kevin Fisher and Allison Scully, local 25-year-old Rob Hoffman expressed his frustration to reporters Thursday that all the cheapest items on the couples registry had already been purchased. Of course someone grabbed that bath towel set right away, but youd think there would at least be something herewok utensils or a Crock-Potthat was still under a hundred bucks, said Hoffman, who added with concern that every item from Bed Bath & Beyond in the pictorial list was now grayed out, along with the handful of affordable options on their Sur La Table registry. I should have bought that vegetable slicer a few days ago when I had the chance. At this rate, Im going to end up spending, like, $200 minimum on them. Jesus. At press time, Hoffman had refreshed the page to discover the only remaining options were now the $349 Nespresso VertuoLine Espresso Maker and a 40-piece china set. |
0 | Reacting to news that independent outfit Shaker House Books had closed Monday, longtime customer Stephanie Brear said she couldn't believe she 'flushed seven years down the toilet' patronizing the local store. 'I put so much time into supporting my quirky local bookshop, with its charming window displays and us-versus-the-world attitude, and for what?' said Brear, adding that she even went through the trouble of befriending the husband-and-wife owners and their cat, Ulysses. 'Countless hours wasted quietly browsing their shelves when I could have just ordered this shit for way cheaper online.' Brear told reporters that the next time she needs gardening supplies, the little hardware store around the corner can go fuck itself, because she's going to Home Depot. |
0 | Evan Longoria, the Tampa Bay legend who is widely acknowledged as the Rays' all-time greatest player, was celebrated by the franchise Wednesday when the rookie was given the honor of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of the World Series. 'I couldn't think of anyone more deserving than Evan, who is easily the most outstanding player in this team's storied 10-year history,' Manager Joe Maddon said of Longoria, who played all six months of his career with the club. 'Younger baseball fans might not realize it, but some day, say a year from now, they'll look back and remember when they saw the Rays honor the best to ever play a regular season with the team.' After throwing out the first pitch, Longoria waved to the cheering crowd and jogged to his position at third base. |
0 | An emergency session of Congress rushed into passage Monday legislation changing the first names of all American males to Dudley. 'Dudley is a great name,' said House Majority Leader Dudley Gingrich, explaining the move. President Dudley Clinton signed the bill late Monday night. 'Though I felt that Otto was a better choice for a new name, I am satisfied with the compromise that has been reached,' Clinton said. The only males who will not be named Dudley are those who already had the name. Those males will be re-named Ira. |
0 | In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves Monday. 'Y'all be bullshit,' said Combs in a 3:17 a.m. address from the corner of Woodward Avenue and Grand Boulevard. 'And yo' mama, too.' Mondays statement marked the normally reclusive Combs' first since an October 1998 appeal to Detroits city council to kiss his big, black ass. Representatives for all y'all have not yet responded to Combs' themselves-fucking offer. |
0 | DETROITIn a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves Monday. 'Y'all be bullshit,' said Combs in a 3:17 a.m. address from the corner of Woodward Avenue and Grand Boulevard. 'And yo' mama, too.' Monday's statement marked the normally reclusive Combs' first since an October 1998 appeal to Detroit's city council to kiss his big, black ass. Representatives for all y'all have not yet responded to Combs' themselves-fucking offer. |
0 | An NCAA report released Monday alleging altered grades on high school transcripts and a fraudulent SAT exam could forever blemish the record Bulls point guard Derrick Rose achieved during his two semesters at the University of Memphis. 'This has disturbing implications for the academic legacy of the Tigers' basketball program and is an upsetting matter for our fans, all of whom would be utterly devastated to learn that a player was admitted to this institution without meeting its minimum scholastic requirements,' said University of Memphis spokesperson Henry Jackson, who added that the school has always emphasized education. 'That one of his grades in high school might have been changed from a 'D' to a 'C' is a painful thing to hear for all those who followed Rose's grade point average so closely and trusted him to add to the wealth of human knowledge.' Rose has also refused to acknowledge accusations that he did not attend any classes during the spring semester of his freshman year. |
0 | Following the announcement Saturday that a deal had been reached to end the league-wide lockout, an exuberant Allen Iverson told reporters that every single NBA player, a group that 'includes myself, obviously, because I am a current NBA player,' is excited to return to the hardwood. 'It's been a tough time to be an NBA basketball player, but weand by 'we,' I mean the group of 450 players who play in the National Basketball Association, of which I, absolutely, no question, am still a memberare looking forward to putting this all behind us and getting back out there,' said Iverson, who hasn't worn an NBA uniform in nearly two years. 'I'm really proud of the way we stuck together during negotiations, and I think we have a great new deal in place that finally allows us to focus on doing what we do best: playing the game of basketball.' 'By the way, when I say 'we' and 'us,' I am using the collective nouns inclusively to refer to myself as part of a group,' Iverson continued, 'and in this case that group is composed of players in the National Basketball Associationof which I am decidedly a part. Understand?' Iverson, who hasn't played professional basketball since his one-month stint in 2010 with Besiktas Cola Turka of the Turkish Basketball League, said that fans can expect all NBA players to be ready for the opening tipoff, and that as an active member of a 15-man NBA roster himself, he will certainly be no exception. Moreover, Iverson reported that he is looking forward to reuniting with his teammates, which he said he 'most definitely has, because obviously everyone on an NBA team has teammates, and therefore, I, the NBA's Allen Iverson, have teammates.' While Iverson noted that a 66-game season is far from optimal, he said thatbecause he is just like every other player who spends the majority of his time participating in both home and away games as part of a rigid schedule that he must adhere to as a contracted member of the National Basketball Associationthe only thing he's focusing on now is the NBA championship, a title Iverson stated he is eligible to win because of his current status as a full-time salaried professional player at basketball's highest level. Iverson added, more or less unprompted, that on forms where he has to list his occupation, he writes, 'NBA basketball player,' because, according to Iverson, 'I am one.' 'I think we're all looking forward to getting out there and putting on a show for these fans,' said Iverson, who at press time is not listed as an active player on a single NBA roster. 'Guys like LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Dirk Nowitzki, me, Kevin Durant, Dwight Howard, Chris Paulwe're showmen. All of us. See, I'm in the group I just mentioned, because they are current NBA All-Stars and so am I. If I weren't in the NBA, I wouldn't have put my name in there, but I am in the NBA. I am.' Taking a moment to reflect upon the recent labor agreement, the former Philadelphia 76er told reporters that at times he was nervous the 2010-2011 season wouldn't be salvaged, an outcome Iverson explained would have affected him much more than, say, players who are no longer in the NBA, a group whose company Iverson stated he is not even close to being in. But Iverson said he was confident a deal would be reached, noting that, ultimately, 'NBA players just want to play basketball in the NBA.' 'I really love playing basketball,' Iverson said. 'To be perfectly honest, it's the only thing I can do. Making it to the NBA was my lifelong dream. So you can imagine how we must have felt when we thought the ability to continue that dream was being taken away from us.' 'You believe I'm in the NBA, right?' added Iverson, growing visibly emotional. 'Because I am. I mean, it's not like I've lost a step. I'm just as quick as I was when I was 22 years old, right? And it's not as if you've watched one the greatest shooting guards of all time physically and mentally deteriorate before your eyes over the past five years, so why wouldn't I be in the NBA? Seriously, can any one of you answer that question? Because I certainly can't. And because I am in the NBA, I guess it's not even a question worth asking. Right?' Iverson was then cradled by his wife, Tawanna, as he began murmuring, 'I'm an NBA basketball player,' over and over until he abruptly stopped, sat up in his chair, and stared vacantly at the reporters before him. |
0 | Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental dependence. Its only a small amount, but if we impart these lessons now, we can prepare him for the day hes out on his own receiving a monthly check from us to cover his living expenses, said Jeremys father, Michael Lambert, adding that its never too soon to learn the value of his parents money. We want to make sure we start early on so that, 15 or 20 years from now, hell fully understand what it means to be a financially dependent adult. At press time, Jeremys parents were helping him open his first savings account so he could learn the importance of letting his parents deposit money directly into it. |
0 | HALLOWELL, MEWhile waiting for a bus Tuesday, Stan Geraldson watched 2-year-old Jason Kemper pick up a spent cigarette butt and place it in his mouth, but made only a minor attempt to stop him. 'Hey, ah, you shouldn't...' Geraldson told Kemper, whose mother was engaged in a conversation a few feet away. 'Don't... eat that.' Geraldson said he would have done more to stop Kemper if the item had been fiberglass or something. |
0 | Though officials apparently assumed they would get away with a deeply corrupt inside deal Tuesday, this mornings edition of The selfnews confirmed that one news organizationand only one news organizationhad been onto them all along. I honestly thought no one would have the guts or the expertise to report on such a complex story, said Washington lobbyist Lawrence Cade, who, as a result of the articles clarity and emotional depthsomething rarely seen in political reportingwas arrested Monday along with a group of 26 others, including House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. I should have known the one news source that takes its responsibility as watchdog and gatekeeper more seriously than anyone else would have been working on this shocking story from the moment I picked up the phone and called the CEO of Monsanto. Government officials who were taken into custody told reporters they would plead guilty to all charges, saying it would be impossible to find any holes in The selfnewss coverage of the illicit plot. |
0 | Dynamic, sleek, and even sexy is how a panel of typographic and marketing experts described the 15 new replacement letters they unveiled Monday in an effort to reinvigorate interest in the faltering English alphabet. 'Forget everything you thought you knew about reading and writing,' announced David Greenberg, 34, lead designer of the exciting ABC makeover. 'These new letters are hip, fresh, and sure to forever change the way English speakers everywhere form their words.' 'Move over 'M' and 'P,'' Greenberg continued. 'Because this ain't your grandfather's alphabet.' According to Greenberg, the exciting new set of consonants and vowels will be rolled out over the next few months, and should find its way into most newspapers, magazines, and popular works of fiction by early spring. Among the updated letter designs that have thus far been released to the public are the , which designers described as an edgy reimagining of the old, humdrum 'T,' as well as the innovative new , which will replace the 'U' effective immediately. In addition to giving the alphabet a 'much-needed face-lift,' Greenberg and his team said they'd be drastically changing the order of most letters in an effort to better reflect modern tastes. 'There's a reason Americans would rather sit down in front of their television sets than pick up a book or commit their innermost thoughts to paper,' said Maartin Ulriksen, who cited architect Frank Gehry and early '80s New Wave music as some of his biggest influences in redesigning the alphabet. 'I would, too, if I had to stare at the same boring 'C' all day long, or, God forbid, was forced to come across that flat and predictable 'H' every time I opened up a copy of Us Weekly.' The result of nearly a year of focus-group testing, the new letters are reportedly more than just an aesthetic update. Studies found that more than 87 percent of Americans rarely ever use the letter 'X' in their daily lives, a discovery that led to a complete reworking of the neglected consonant that has transformed it from unpopular alphabet pariah to something 'people will be dying to write down.' By contrast, the vowel 'E' was found to be by far the most used letter in the alphabet, giving designers the idea to cash in on its popularity by adding a third horizontal line to the less desirable 'F.' Though black has long been the dominant color of choice for alphabet letters and fonts, designers said they were also experimenting with a number of different hues of indigo. 'There's something in here for everyone: crowd-pleasers, tried and true classics, hidden gems,' said marketing guru Jack Gonson, who will work with top advertisers, web masters, highway departments, and other major purveyors of alphabetic content to popularize the new letters. 'Functionality can always be fixed later. This is about style, about energy, about sizzlesomething the alphabet hasn't had in centuries.' A number of school districts across the country have already embraced the redesigned alphabet, as new curricula are developed for students to learn their ABs, and teachers are showing confused first-graders how to spell their new names. A series of PSAs for alphabet users of all ages is also scheduled to air this month, with such titles as 'Coming Soon To A Paperback Near You' and 'The New Alphabet: It Puts The In Fn!' So far, reaction to the new replacement has been positive. 'I've never reay pai much aenin wrd anff like ha, ell yhe rh,' 10h-graer Parick Reynoai. 'Bhi i fn. I barey even feel like I'm wriing.' |
0 | The new Sci-Fi Channel series Fallen Axis, which eerily depicts a world in which Germany actually lost the Second World War, premiered Tuesday evening to high ratings in an alternate universe to our own. The Aryan Broadcasting Company is the Sci-Fi Channel's parent network. The much-anticipated television event is said to be the most ambitious ever produced by the science-fiction-themed network, which is a subsidiary of the Aryan Broadcasting Company. According to the early response, audiences in the alternate realm have been riveted by the show's vision of an inverted existence wherein a defeated Germany has been completely neutered by the Allied powers. 'Imagine, if you will, a world in which Hitler's glorious master plan had instead ended in ignominious failure, and the Allies had somehow emerged the victors,' the show's creator, Leonhardt Riefenstahl, said during an appearance on Entertainment Heute Nacht. 'It would be as if everything we know to be truethe fall of Russia, the invasion and surrender of the American continents, Heinrich Braun-Hitler's consolidation of the various conquered states in 1973had never even happened.' Added Riefenstahl, 'I think viewers all across the great worldwide National Socialist Empire are going to be terrified by the upside-down world we've created.' Critics residing in the alternate realm have also responded positively to the show: Many praised its scarily realistic depiction of a postwar Russian-American union rising to economic dominance and superpower status with the help of gloating French and English allies. A father relaxes with wife and son after a long day of building panzerkampfwagens. 'Not only is Fallen Axis a chilling, what-if story of a world gone mad, it also asks a number of important questions about what Germany's victory meant, and why its sacred mission was so critical to the fatherland and all of humankind,' said Hans von Winterstein, TV critic for the Deutsche-American Zeitung. 'And Rolf Staal's performance as former cowboy actor Henry Fonda II, the monstrous American president who attempts to spread his country's insidious political and economic liberalism across the globe, will horrify even the most stoic among us.' Producers said depicting the fictional, non-German-controlled America cost upwards of 40 million reichsmarks per episode, with much of the budget going toward recreating the cities of Washington, D.C. and New York exactly as they would have appeared before the famous tide-turning Luftwaffe strike of 1951. In addition, test audiences reported being impressed by the show's painstaking portrayal of a topsy-turvy 2009 in which American big-band music plays on every radio, Mickey Mouse spouts pro-Semitic propaganda from every cinema screen, and dilution of the supreme race runs rampant. The show is considered by many to be another boon to the Sci-Fi Channel's fall schedule, which also includes Battlestar Gleichschaltung, a weekly drama about a starship crew that enforces the total coordination of intergalactic society and commerce, and the hit reality series Jew Hunters, in which a team of paranormal investigators scour banks and former Polish ghettos in search of Jewish spirits. No less an authority than the National Socialist Empire's reichsminister of propaganda Helmut Goebbels expressed his admiration for Fallen Axis in a formal address yesterday from the Reichstag. 'The Fhrer and myself are enormously pleased with this provocative new program,' Goebbels said. 'It shows you how close Germany might have been to losing the war had Nazi scientists not perfected the vortex gun just in time, and it is a reaffirmation of the values of self-sacrifice and racial purity that Germany's magnificent victory championed.' Added Goebbels, 'However, I must strongly warn the show's creators that it would be extremely unwise of them not to include a five-minute tribute to the Fhrer at the beginning of all future episodes.' |
0 | PORTLAND, ORAlternative-medicine practitioner Annabeth Severin, a Portland-area acupuncturist and holistic healer, announced Tuesday that she is refusing to accept anything but conventional monetary compensation from her patients. 'I'm sorry, but there just isn't any sound economic theory to support the idea that bartering or visualization of payment has the same effect as traditional cash or check up front,' Severin said. Her customers are protesting her billing methods, saying that removing money from their accounts would be financially invasive and spiritually upsetting to their karmic and bank balances. |
0 | AUSTIN, TXMaurice Juarez has held up an evening performance of Ashcans And Ticker Tape: A Treatise for three hours, hoping to get more late-arriving patrons, the owner and manager of the Austin ArtSpace theater reported. 'People who enjoy alternative theater are all about opening their minds, so they don't pay attention to restrictive things like curtain times,' said Juarez, who is also the play's author, director, producer, and choreographer. 'I put up 200 flyers, so I fully expect this show to sell out.' As of press time, 14 of the theater's 22 seats remained empty. |
0 | Dogs who attend the Kylee Alternative Training Institute are exposed to a 'creative canine learning environment where less emphasis is placed on obedience,' director Morgan Kylee said Monday. 'We believe in helping our students to discover their own potential, rather than forcing them to conform to the traditional idea of what a dog should be,' Kylee said. 'Dogs that mess on the carpet or bark incessantly are not scolded, but praised for finding their own parameters. Our motto is 'If it feels good, chew it.'' Classes at the school include Holistic Heeling, Elective Fetching, and Removing The Leg-Humping Stigma. |
0 | Former students of Traverse City High School became utterly incensed Wednesday after learning their alma mater had undergone yet another series of dazzling and expensive improvements that they would never be able to enjoy. 'Of course they wait until we leave to install a bunch of frozen yogurt machines!' alumnus Adam Nelson said after speaking on the phone with his younger brother, TCHS sophomore Ryan Nelson, who told him about the new vending devices. 'If those ungrateful bastards get the lockers with the locks built right into them, I'll fucking lose it.' A number of recent graduates have expressed similar anger over the newly paved track and better air-conditioning units, saying they will protest any further upgrades by continuing not to give the school money. |
0 | Campus sources confirmed the Yateson College alumni magazine The Yateson Voice released its November issue on Tuesday, delicately sidestepping any overt mention of the late August shooting rampage that left six students dead and 23 wounded. The spirit of renewal is in the air at Yateson this fall, starting with the complete renovation of the second floor of the library, read the editors letter of the magazine, which also featured pieces on the schools upcoming fall theater production, the librarys newly installed military-grade metal detectors, and the new cafeteria dining options. Weve also doubled the size of our campus police and vastly expanded our mental health services, each improvement part of our plan to make Yateson better than ever! The magazine also reportedly features over 550 uses of the word safe. |
0 | Representatives in the alumni office at Arizona State University announced this week that in an effort to determine the whereabouts and current mailing address of Class of '98 graduate Glen Schutt, they are utilizing the services of longtime employee and Navajo tracker Joe Lone Tree. Schutt Lone Tree, who has more than 10 years experience tracking ASU alums through both the spirit and waking worlds, was assigned the task after multiple attempts to contact the former engineering major and inform him of upcoming alumni events and giving opportunities failed, sources said. 'Staying up-to-date with our graduates is very important to us, and we do our best to maintain a lifelong relationship with them,' ASU Alumni Association president Christine Wilkinson said. 'Which is why, in the case of hard-to-reach people like Glen Schutt, Joe Lone Tree and his invaluable expertise in the areas of forest and desert terrain, weathering, and the ancient movements of the sun helps us find out where our grads are and what they've been up to.' According to sources, Lone Tree, whose age and origins are unknown, was given a copy of Schutt's file and last-known contact information last week but immediately set it aside, choosing instead to light a fire in his cubicle and invoke the spirit of the Great Coyote. Arizona States Navajo tracker briefly scans a list of outstanding library fines before setting off to trail a graduate. University sources said that after investigating the ground outside McClintock Hall, Schutt's freshman dormitory, Lone Tree cast yellow pollen toward the sun, sang the song of First Woman and First Man, and retreated into the desert, carrying only a small hunting knife and a copy of the ASU alumni magazine. Lone Tree has not been seen since early yesterday evening, when a group of hikers spotted him carrying a change of address form and running at full speed along a creek in Colorado's Arapaho National Forest. 'Glen Schutt has not been the easiest guy to get ahold of these past six years,' alumni office representative Don Michaels said with a chuckle. 'But with the help of Joe Lone Tree, as well as the various desert plants and animals that typically aid Joe in his many journeys, we hope to be able to fill in Glen on all the fun things we have planned for Founders' Day this year.' 'Also, on the off-chance that Joe is reading this, if you could send us a smoke signal in the next day or two updating us on your progress, that would be great,' Michaels added. According ASU alumni office records, Lone Tree has successfully located more than 5,000 graduates in the past, having tracked down alumni as far afield as Halifax, Kuala Lumpur, and Beijing using his unique combination of standard fieldcraft and the quasi-mystical Navajo trackingway. Lone Tree also reportedly works in collaboration with fellow tribesmen in various student loan offices, who share information as they traverse the numerous trails they have formed between college campuses and the nation's major metropolitan centers. 'We've learned not to get in Joe's way,' said alumni relations director William Zelazny, noting that Lone Tree 'doesn't cost much, as his traditional methods are very frugal.' 'I used to get upset when he would ask for a copy of an academic transcript, but instead of reading it, would burn the folder and then scatter the ashes in sacred Canyon de Chelly in order to read the patterns on the sandstone. But his results speak for themselves, and how else would we be able to remind people of the 10-year reunion coming up?' Added Zelazny, 'Remember, all you Class of '01-ers, June is just around the corner!' At press time, Lone Tree had left a voicemail message with ASU alumni headquarters, reporting that he had followed Schutt's spoor to an arroyo outside of Chinle, AZ. 'I shall scatter cornmeal in my shadow and e-mail you Mr. Schutt's home and work address before the rising of the new moon,' Lone Tree said in the message. 'Farewell, and go Sun Devils.' |
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