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0 | In its latest niche-marketing coup, the Nike Corporation on Monday unveiled the Nike Bog-Ramper, a light, durable sneaker designed for the newly fabricated sport of bog-ramping. 'Nike is the first footwear company to introduce a shoe specially engineered to meet the exacting demands of the competitive bog-ramper,' said Nike CEO Phil Knight, introducing the $130 shoe at the company's headquarters. 'Whatever bog-ramping is, and wherever and by whom it is done, don't even think about trying it without your Nikes.' Knight added that the shoes are also suitable for street wear. |
0 | Actor Matthew McConaughey announced Tuesday that he has accepted a 6, maybe $7 million offer to star in Whatever. 'I'm happy to do Whatever. You know I'm easy, brother,' McConaughey said of his upcoming role as a laid-back dude. 'As long as the beer is cold and I can take my shirt off, I'm in. Well, all right.' Whatever, slated for release either late this year or next, will be directed by this one guy with whom McConaughey has worked before, and will also star Kate Hudson. |
0 | HOLLYWOODTom Hanks will reunite with director Steven Spielberg in Dreamworks' Payne's Pride, in which he will play the part of everyman John Hamilton Payne and receive $25 million for his efforts. 'Tom is a man of the people,' Spielberg said. 'America loves him because he seems so approachable, and that's exactly what I told him last weekend over some Merlot from his vineyards.' Spielberg added that Hanks is always a joy to work with because 'he can really nail 'down to earth.'' |
0 | Calling the process of acting as though you are someone you are not a 'pretty ridiculous thing to do,' actor Ed Harris, 60, admitted to reporters Tuesday that he frequently feels silly pretending to be another person. 'I don't know, I guess there's just something really goofy about being, like, 'Hello, my name is Frank, and I'm a cop,' or whatever, when that's not who I am at all,' said Harris, adding that it is especially weird doing this on the set of a movie because 'the whole thing is make-believe but everyone has to act like it's real.' 'Sometimes they give me a hat or something to wear, or I'm supposed to speak with an accent, and then I feel especially silly because it's like, 'Why am I wearing this hat and talking in this funny voice? This is so weird and dumb, you know?'' Despite his numerous acting credits over a long career, Harris said having to move around and do things for long stretches of time while confidently saying he is someone who he actually isn't has 'never stopped seeming ludicrous, really, and in fact becomes more preposterous the older I get because now I'm like a 60-year-old guy playing pretend.' While Harris said he is sometimes able to distract himself from the 'unbelievable silliness of it all' by simply acting like himself, he told reporters that doing so is often very difficult because he is made to say and do things that he himself would never say or do, typically in places he's never been to and while wearing clothes that do not actually belong to him. 'Sometimes I have to pretend to get mad and yell at someone who I'm not even angry withand that person is pretending to be someone else, too, so I have to call them by the name of the person they are pretending to be while I'm yelling at them,' said Harris, adding that he occasionally catches his own reflection in a mirror or pane of glass while he's pretending to be someone else and it 'cracks [him] up every time.' 'Most of the time when they're filming me acting like a guy who's not me, I'm just hoping to get through it without smiling or laughing when I look at the person I'm talking to.' 'It's really hard,' Harris added. The prolific actor went on to explain that the process is made doubly ridiculous by the fact that he is regularly instructed to go back and say the same thing he has just said again, and that the person he is saying it to is then instructed to act as though they are hearing what he's saying for the first time, even if it's actually the 10th or 11th time they've heard him say it. Harris also said none of this is talked about by anyone else on set, which he described as a weird thing. 'Look, I'm not complaining, because it's sort of neat and it actually pays a lot of money; it's just pretty silly, that's all,' Harris said. 'Anyway, that's about all I have to say about acting.' |
0 | Showing the heart and determination that was their show's hallmark throughout its 13-week run, the stars of NBC's Stop The Presses have decided to go on with the series despite its Feb. 5 cancellation. The cast of the recently cancelled <i>Stop The Presses</i>. 'I think all the pieces were in place to make this show a big hit,' said Troy Drake, who played Stan 'Big Sticks' Hatch, a former pro-hockey player who moves back to his hometown of Petaluma, CA, to write a sports column for The Petaluma Gazette. 'It just needed more time to jell than the network was willing to give. Well, now we have all the time we need.' Though cancellation ordinarily marks the end of a series, the actors agreed there was still work to be done. 'Every show gets shelved eventually,' said Drake, speaking from the show's new set in the parking lot of a local Ralphs food store. 'But we couldn't bear the thought of abruptly cutting off all those storylines mid-stream. I think I speak for the entire cast when I say we all want to see if Bill and Andrea will eventually give in to the long-simmering sexual tension between them. And, next episode, Jessie's kooky parents swing by for a visit and wreak all kinds of chaos in her life. And that's pretty scary considering how chaotic Jessie's life already is.' The news of the cancellation was a shock to the cast and crew. No one, however, was more upset than Eddie Whyte, who played Lance Roberts, a cocky, hotshot account executive at The Petaluma Gazette with a weakness for the ladies. Just one week before NBC announced the cancellation, Whyte passed up a sizable part in an upcoming Rob Schneider movie to do Stop The Presses. 'When I found out [about the cancellation], I was devastated, because this was a project I truly believed in,' said Whyte, rummaging through the cardboard box that is now the wardrobe department. 'Our first 13 episodes really showed progress. We started coming together as an ensemble, and the writing got steadily tighter.' Despite losing their writing staff, directors, producers, camera operators, technical crew, set, props, and wardrobe, as well as a network on which to air the show, the Stop The Presses actors remain optimistic they will succeed. 'We have a remarkable cast with tremendous chemistry,' said Christine Jagerveldt, who plays Dianne Clarke, the gruff, hard-nosed, secretly lonely publisher of the Gazette. 'That's half the battle right there. And we were always ad-libbing and improvising, so scripts aren't a problem, either.' Added Jagerveldt: 'We don't even think of ourselves as the cast of a weekly sitcom anymore: We're a family. This whole ordeal has brought us closer together than we ever imagined possible.' Drake said he was genuinely surprised when ABC, CBS, Fox, UPN, WB, HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, MTV, VH-1, Comedy Central, Lifetime, Nickelodeon, The Sci-Fi Channel, Bravo, A&E, Home Shopping Network, TV Land, The Discovery Channel, The Food Network, CNN, Oxygen, Noggin, The Cartoon Network, ESPN, and ESPN2 passed on Stop The Presses as a midseason replacement. 'I really thought Telemundo was going to bite,' Drake said. 'Or [local cable-access channel] 97. But if nobody wants the weekly dose of livin', learnin', and laughin' that Stop The Presses provides, that's fine by us. This is going to be a breakthrough year for Stop The Pressesmark my words. If the networks and their hundreds of syndicated affiliates don't want to be a part of it, screw 'em.' Asked why the cast plans to continue with a show that had neither viewer nor network support, Drake cited a few of his favorite moments from Stop The Presses. 'Remember the episode where tart-tongued copy editor Patti got her hand stuck in the photocopier?' Drake said. 'Or the one where Bill and Andrea got stuck together in the elevator? There have been a million moments like that, and from what I've seen of this new season, there are going to be a million more.' Bloodied but unbowed, the Stop The Presses cast is certain that the show will have a long and successful run. 'We're all excited and optimistic about what lies ahead,' Drake said. 'Barring a rash of heavy rain showers, we just might have an Emmy-winning season on our hands.' |
0 | Gail and Milt Greenblatt, parents of soap-opera star Brett Green, are beaming with pride that their son is a doctor on ABC's All My Children. 'Dr. Cord Montgomery graduated from Harvard Medical School at the top of his class,' Gail told a neighbor Monday. 'What's more, he's the youngest surgeon at Pine Valley's top hospital.' Milt expressed relief that his son has left behind the 'rough crowd' he ran with last fall as a bully on Gilmore Girls. |
0 | Writers of a popular prime-time CBS sitcom spent the last three weeks making late-stage script adjustments to work its female lead's recent abortion into its storyline, sources close to the show revealed Monday. Sumner with co-star Carl Hubbard. In the upcoming episode of Same Difference, taped late last week and scheduled to air in May, star Kirsten Sumner's character, Trish O'Connell, the sharp-tongued but beautiful wife of portly Chicago bread-truck driver Greg O'Connell, played by Carl Hubbard, will reveal to her husband she was pregnant and had an abortion without his knowledge. Trish's revelation comprises the secondary, or 'B,' story of the episode, in which Greg eats a meatball sandwich against his wife's wishes. 'It would've been insulting to our viewers if we never addressed the fact that Kirsten is so obviously post-abortion,' executive producer Aaron Karsch said. 'We did consider shooting around the abortion and using lighting tricks and strategically placed plants to cover up her uterus. But everyone would have been able to tell anyhow, so we figured we might as well use it to the show's advantage.' Sumner, who decided to terminate her pregnancy after several weeks of emotional deliberation, reportedly informed the show's executive producers about it earlier this month. Though the abortion posed a significant challenge for Same Difference's 12 writers, who were given the task of addressing it in a way that would not disrupt the show's lighthearted pace or contradict Sumner's on-screen persona, Karsch said such developments 'come with the territory.' 'When you're writing a successful sitcom, sometimes the actors' personal lives find a way to creep on set and you just have to adapt,' Karsch said. 'Kirsten's around that age when a lot of actresses start thinking about having abortions, so I guess it's not that surprising.' Producers Larry Krespie and Aaron Karsch dissect the anatomy of a sitcom. After viewing the rough edits of the new scenes, Karsch said he 'couldn't be happier' with the decision to include Sumner's abortion in the show, and expects the episode will be Same Difference's most popular since 'High Definition,' a 2002 episode in which Greg bought a big-screen TV. 'It wasn't easy, but in the end, we got some very solid material out of itthe plotline stayed true to the O'Connells' relationship while still being entertaining,' said co- executive producer Larry Krespie, adding that, thanks to the show's resourceful writing staff, Sumner's evacuated womb may be 'the best thing that ever happened to Same Difference.' Despite his initial skepticism about how the new abortion storyline would play to the female 36 to 49 demographic, Krespie was ultimately won over after viewing the rough edits. 'Kirsten did some brilliant acting,' said Krespie, who called Sumner's portrayal of a woman who had recently had an abortion 'spot-on.' 'Our show does a lot of quiet, observational humor, and I think anyone who's had an abortion would be hard-pressed not to relate to, and get a chuckle out of, Trish's situation.' Continued Krespie: 'Kirsten really got into the mind of her character, even in the physical-comedy scenes, like when she was trying to avoid Greg and get out of the house to get the abortion. And later in the packed abortion clinic, when she mistakes the number 81 she received from the receptionist for 18, and finds out she has to wait much longer for her abortion. But it all leads to a nice, poignant ending when both characters realize they should have been honest with each other all alongTrish with her pregnancy, and Greg with his sandwich.' |
0 | Actress Bianca Astor, 22, was excited to be cast in the role of a woman who suffers from anorexia nervosa for a filmed public-service announcement Monday. Astor at a recent casting call. 'I can't believe it!' Astor said upon receiving the call from her agent. 'I honestly didn't think I was going to get the part. I'm pretty thin, but I didn't think I was eating-disorder thin. I guess I am!' The spot for the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders is part of a campaign designed to raise the public's awareness of eating disorders. According to ANAD statistics, 1 in 100 adolescent girls suffers from anorexia. 'The cool thing is that I'll be helping to make a difference,' Astor said. 'Besides appearing in the TV ads, I'll also be on billboards and the sides of buses. Everyone in the country will see me as the super-skinny girl.' 'This will look really good on my rsum,' Astor added. 'I tried to pick glossies that were flattering, but this will definitely help drive home the point that I can play thin.' Astor has struggled to get her acting career off the ground ever since she moved to New York four years ago. She has modeled sporadically and worked as an extra on several daytime soap operas, and also appeared in two commercials, portraying Smiling Woman #4 in a Gap ad and a fungicidal-cream user for Lamisil. The anorexia spot marks her first starring role and the first to highlight her extreme boniness. 'I was really nervous when I went in for the audition,' Astor said. 'When I got to the waiting room, I thought, 'I'll never be able to compete with all these girls.' I was checking out their hips, and mine were definitely wider than a couple women's. But I guess that in the end, I was the one with the right combination of talent and physique.' Astor said she doesn't suffer from an eating disorder, but is lucky enough to have been born with a slight build. 'I've just always been thin, ever since junior high,' Astor said. 'I'm blessed with a fast metabolism. Plus, I work out at the gym for three hours a day. And I'm careful to watch what I eat. And I dye my hair because my agent said it makes my face look more defined.' Astor's agent, Allied Arts' Debra Fayhill, said she's proud of her 5'8', 101-pound client. 'I'm so excited for her,' Fayhill said. 'I called her up and told her that the producers thought she was perfect for the role of Gretchen, the wholesome 20-ish woman who's starving herself to death. I've never heard anyone scream so loud.' Continued Fayhill: 'Not many actresses get a chance to have this sort of impact on young girls. Hopefully, she'll really make a big difference in girls' lives, and stick in casting agents' minds when they need a beautiful, hollow-eyed wraith.' Although few PSA actresses have gone on to great success, Fayhill said she is optimistic. 'Look at Rachael Leigh Cook,' Fayhill said. 'She starred in the 1998 'Frying Pan' anti-drug spot from Margeotes, Fertitta + Partners, and she went on to play skinny women in the movies. Bianca is on the same track.' Astor is already practicing her line for the role. According to the script, her ad will open with a close-up on a 'frail, emaciated hand.' The hand will reach across a restaurant table toward a piece of bread. The camera will pull out to reveal Gretchen sitting in a restaurant with a friend. Gretchen will change her mind and drop the piece of bread. The friend will ask what's wrong, and Gretchen will say, 'Nothing.' The word will echo eerily as the scene fades out to reveal a grave. 'Emaciated,' Astor said, smiling and examining her hand held at arm's length. After she was selected for the role, Astor called her friends to celebrate with a night on the town. 'Bianca was all, 'Do you really think I'm thin enough to play an anorexic?'' friend Fiona Lin said. 'All of us kept saying 'Yes, totally.' She shouldn't doubt herself. She looks fantastic. Out of all of us, she so has the most visible rib cage.' Not all of Astor's friends say she's thin enough for the part. 'Bianca's thinner than most of us, but she's not very proportional,' friend and fellow actress Tia Rialto said. 'Personally, I'd buy her as a bulimic, but never an anorexic. Have you seen the flab under that girl's arms? Ugh.' |
0 | The actress from the big hit movie and the musician from the popular band who have been photographed many times together out on the town are getting married, entertainment industry sources reported Monday. 'I love him,' the actress, who has been seen sporting a huge diamond engagement ring recently, told reporters while walking down the red carpet. 'He's definitely the one.' The wedding, which will take place this summer, is expected to be attended by many equally famous celebrities, and will be photographed by many paparazzi, via helicopter if necessary. Insiders expect the guest list to be a veritable 'who's who' of the rich and famous, including the Hollywood director, the reclusive former star who rarely makes public appearances, and the very handsome actor who used to be on television but is now in movies. According to sources, the wedding between the actress and the musician will be the most important social event of the season. 'It's going to take place on a tropical island owned by the couple's super-rich friend,' said the blonde entertainment reporter. 'And her dress will be created by the fashion designer who did all those Oscar gowns.' 'Wow,' she added. This will be the second marriage for both celebrities. The musician, who used to be married to the dancer before divorcing amid scandal over an Internet sexual intercourse tape, has recently attended sex addiction rehab and is described as 'ready to settle down' by his lawyer, the famous bald one with the wife half his age. The actress, for her part, is doing her best to put her disastrous first marriage to the actor who does a lot of drugs all the time behind her. 'It's great to finally see her with a guy she deserves,' said the actress's close friend and regular makeup artist. 'Especially after all the stuff that happened with you-know-who.' The actress, who almost got the role in the vampire film, and the musician, who recently collaborated with that other musician on the hit song of the summer, met at a gala event for the charity with the colored ribbons. They were later spotted together on the set of her movie about the secret agent who turns out to be an alien, to which the musician contributed several songs for the soundtrack. Described as 'love at first sight' by sources, the pair's romance has nonetheless caused criticism from some entertainment industry media sources, who claim that the musician's bad-boy reputation could affect the actress's image, possibly jeopardizing her chance of being cast in the big sequel that's coming up. Some even said the marriage will never last. 'If I was that famous divorce lawyer, I'd be rubbing my hands together right now,' said that gay Internet columnist who always trashes famous couples on his blog. Despite the naysayers, however, most are optimistic about the coupling. 'This is shaping up to be the wedding of the century,' said the Hollywood gossip columnist in her regular Hollywood gossip column. 'One thing is for certain: Their kids are going to be both good-looking and very talented like their parents.' As is to be expected, the couple themselves have nothing but positive things to say about their upcoming nuptials. 'I've never felt this way before,' the musician said in a recent issue of a very popular magazine. 'What can I say about a marriage like this? It is truly one of a kind.' |
0 | Unwanted and abused dogs, cats, and other animals in Southern California now have a sort-of-friend in actress Alicia Silverstone, who opened the well-intentioned but poorly conceived StoneHaven animal shelter on her seaside estate last November. Alicia Siverstone 'Alicia has always cared deeply about the welfare of animals, so this shelter is the realization of a lifelong dream for her,' Silverstone's publicist Wendy Epstein said Monday. 'She threw it together quickly, and she's still hammering out the kinks, but she really loves animals, and it's wonderful to see someone try to make a difference.' A longtime lover of furry and feathered companions and an ardent believer in animal rights, Silverstone gladly gives tours of her animal sanctuary, which holds a diverse menagerie of more than 90 creatures. 'I've been in city-run shelters, and they're so depressing,' said Silverstone, stroking a rabbit stricken with an advanced case of pinkeye. 'Here, the animals have all they can eat and a cozy place to sleep, in a big home with no cages. And there is absolutely no way I would ever murder an animal because I couldn't find a home for it.' Silverstone then placed the rabbit on the floor and pulled a 3-week-old kitten from between two sofa cushions. She cooed at the kitten as it licked and rubbed against her hand. Like many Hollywood stars, Silverstone is a vegan. Her animals are, too. 'Goats feed on grass and hay, so they instinctively understand the value of a macrobiotic diet, but getting the kids off milk is a challenge,' said Silverstone, who acquired her small goat herd from a bankrupt Oxnard petting zoo. 'It's strange that they're not taking to the soy milk. Maybe I should try Rice Dream.' StoneHaven, the animal shelter Alicia Silverstone (above) opened in November. Silverstone said she noticed a marked decline in aggression among her 15 stray dogs after she put them on a meatless diet. 'When the doggies first arrived, they were always running around, jumping, and chasing each other,' she said. 'But after their fruit fast, they calmed right down. Now, they're so sweet and quiet. I'm sure I'll have no trouble finding homes for them.' Silverstone is determined to give her creatures a life free from human-imposed hindrances. She ordered her shelter staff to remove the horseshoes from three former carnival ponies, and she recently gave a 17-year-old housecat its 'first-ever taste of freedom' by placing it in the crook of a large tree to sunbathe. 'You won't see animals wearing collars, bridles, or leashes here,' Silverstone said, as she placed a calming Wolves At Night ambient-sounds CD in the shelter's sound system. 'I don't even let anyone use the term 'housebreaking,' much less engage in the heartless practice.' Continued Silverstone: 'Sometimes the little guys resist my attempts to free their bodies and minds. The dogs would not sit still during their peppermint aromatherapy immersion yesterday. Sort of like former prisoners, these animals need to be reconditioned. They need their natural self-esteem and body-awareness rejuvenated.' Two tireless assistants aid Silverstone in her crusade. Though they do not have veterinary degrees, both, like Silverstone, claim to have a deep affinity for all creatures. 'Animals need to be loved and touched, just like humans do,' assistant Heidi Aarons said, as she attempted to massage a tense guinea pig. 'We all share the cuddling, nesting instinct.' Two of StoneHaven's needy pets share a 'super comfy' habitat Silverstone designed herself. In spite of its devoted staff, Silverstone's dream project already faces challenges. The annual budget for 2004 has been exhausted on costly amenities such as bottled water, pet psychics, specially molded 'soy mice' for the resident 32-foot boa constrictor, and printed programs for a 'commitment ceremony' between a parrot and a ferret. In addition, fewer than 5 percent of potential adopters have passed Silverstone's stringent screening procedure. 'After my dog died of old age, I tried to adopt a puppy from StoneHaven,' Los Angeles entertainment lawyer Barry Gelman said. 'In order to prove I was a worthy parent, Alicia told me I had to carry a stuffed dog around with me for a week. I was supposed to feed it with a bottle and change its diapers every three hours. She said she got the idea from an episode of Saved By The Bell.' Silverstone's resolve will be tested in the coming months. Neighbors have filed official complaints against StoneHaven regarding the noise, the stench, and the escaped animals frequently found outside its gates. Further, they claim that Silverstone's sentimental reluctance to spay, neuter, or fence in animals has caused a dramatic increase in stray dogs and cats in the area, as well as a serious pinkeye outbreak within a five-mile radius. But Silverstone isn't giving up. The actress has big ideas for the coming year, including her plan to take in more animals that 'aren't even that cute.' 'See Myrlie over there?' asked Silverstone, as she pointed to a Komodo dragon sunning itself in a corner of the backyard. 'In a zoo, she'd be locked in a pen all day. But here, she can roam free, eat all the grass she wants, and play with Pepper, the pot-bellied pig. Zoos and city shelters simply don't give animals this kind of friendly environment.' |
0 | Dr. Gary Canton, a professor of applied nuclear physics and energy-development technologies at MIT and a leading expert in American nuclear-power applications, was rejected by MSNBC producers for being 'too boring for TV' Monday. Canton at the MSNBC studio where he failed to make the cut. 'We could deal with Dr. Canton being so short,' said Cal Salters, a segment producer at MSNBC. 'And we could've made him up so he didn't look like he spends all day in front of a computer. We even considered cutting away to stock footage so our audience didn't have to look at him for too long. But when it turned out that listening to him is about as interesting as picking the lint off his lapelswell, there was nothing we could do about that.' Canton was brought in for a test interview based on a recent op-ed in the Boston Globe, in which he argued that increased reliance on nuclear power is 'inevitable.' When asked to address nuclear power's potentially disastrous consequences, however, Canton launched into a well-reasoned lecture that balanced modern energy demands against safety and environmental concerns. 'At MIT's Laboratory for Energy and the Environment, we see nuclear-power technology as the best option for the United States and the world to meet future energy needs without emitting carbon dioxide and other atmospheric pollutants,' Canton said in the taped pre-interview, which has already been erased. 'Other energy options include increased efficiency, renewables, and carbon sequestration. Actually, all of these options may be needed for a successful, non-stratified, growth-oriented national energy infrastructure.' Salters was not impressed. '[Canton] went on like that for six... long... minutes,' Salters said. 'Fact after mind-numbing fact. Then he started spewing all these statistics about megawatts and the nation's current energy consumption and I don't know what, because my mind just shut off. I tried to lead him in the right direction. I told him to address the fears that the average citizen might have about nuclear power, but he still utterly failed to mention meltdowns, radiation, or mushroom clouds.' 'I'm sure he knows what he's talking about,' Salters added. 'But we have a responsibility to educate and entertain our viewers. In the end, we had to go with someone else.' MSNBC chose Skip Hammond, former Arizona State football player, MBA holder, and author of Imprison The Sun: America's Coming Nuclear-Power Holocaust. Hammond is best known for his 'atomic domino' theory of chained power-plant explosions and his signature lavender silk tie. Self-proclaimed nuclear expert Skip Hammond. 'Absolute Armageddon,' Hammond said when asked about the dangers increased reliance on nuclear power might pose. 'Atoms are not only too tiny to be seen, they're too powerful to be predicted. Three Mile Island? Remember it? I do. Don't they?' 'Clouds of radiation, glowing rivers, a hole reaching to the earth's corethat's what we're facing, ' Hammond continued. 'Death of one in four Americans! Count off, everyone: one, two, three, you. Millions of people gone. And no one's even mentioned terrorism yet. You have to wonder why not.' According to Salters, Hammond was 'perfect.' 'The way Skip looked right into that camera and said 'annihilation' with perfect enunciationI've been in the news business for 14 years, and I still got goose bumps,' Salters said. Reached at his office, Canton said he was unsure why he wasn't chosen for the program. 'I discussed the interrelated technical, economic, environmental, and political challenges associated with increased nuclear-power usage over the next half-century and their relevance to government, industry, and community leaders,' Canton said. 'You'd think it would be exactly what they wanted. It was exactly what they wanted, according to the producer who contacted me.' Hammond is scheduled to appear in all six parts of the upcoming Learning Channel series Frost Or Fire: America's Coming Energy Tribulations. |
0 | WASHINGTON, DCFollowing 16 months of non-stop campaigning, members of the executive and legislative branches of the U.S. government returned to the task of governing the country Monday. 'The electioneering is over, so it's time to get back to work,' said U.S. Sen. Kit Bond (R-MO), who won a third term Nov. 2, beating Democrat Nancy Farmer. 'I got the time, so I may as well use it writing and enacting some laws, I guess.' Bond said he hopes to get a lot accomplished before summer, when he'll need to begin campaigning again. |
0 | After his laptop suddenly stopped working earlier this week, chronically anxious man Henry Geller, 36, confirmed to reporters how nice it was to have an actual problem to worry about for a change. Ive got to say, its pretty refreshing to obsessively agonize over a real, concrete issue instead of some artificial mental construction, said Geller, pointing out how much of a pleasure it has been to explain his problem to other people and, in response, hear them agree that hes facing a difficult predicament rather than offering repeated assurances that the concern is solely in his head. This is actually kind of nice; its not some insignificant nonissue that Ive blown way out of proportion or a vague, unspecific sense of dread thats causing me to torment myself all day long, but an objective event that legitimately happened in the world. Its a great change of pace. Geller added that he plans to enjoy the feeling for a few more hours until he wakes up in the middle of the night terrified that he is inadequate in every aspect of his life and that everyone he encounters can sense it. |
0 | Guests at a cocktail party on Dunstan Avenue were reportedly surprised to meet Conrad Davies, an actual, honest-to-goodness, working proctor. 'I'd read the word 'proctor' and heard it on ads, but I'd never actually met one,' partygoer Mindy Lindbloom told reporters Monday. 'Turns out, he was just a normal guy. He was standing around eating celery sticks and drinking beer, just like everyone else.' Lindbloom added that Davies was 'just as nice as could be.' |
0 | An actual urgent message from actor Robert Redford, whose mass-mailed call to action on behalf of the Natural Resources Defense Council reached millions of Americans last year, went unheeded last week by its lone recipient, Michael Sanborne of Marsing, ID. A stack of Sanborne's unopened mail. 'MICHAEL, I'm asking for your help to stop the robbery and possible destruction of one of America's most treasured human resourcesactor Robert Redford,' read the message typed on NRDC letterhead. 'At this very moment, two or more men are holding me captive within my office in order to further their profit-motivated agenda to strip my home of its valuable assets and leave me with nothingperhaps not even my life.' 'At this desperate hour, my hands are tied,' the letter continued. 'My office phone lines have been cut. By gnawing through my gag and inching my chair along the floor, I have been able to reach my computer, turn it on using my nose, and activate my ViaVoice speech-recognition typing software. However, my time is limited, and I have managed to successfully stick only one adhesive-backed, mass-mailing address label to an envelope. MICHAEL, it is not yet too late to prevent the extinction of noble, majestic Robert Redford, if only you act now!' The letter Redford (below) sent to Sanborne. Sanborne received the legal-sized envelope, marked as 'An Urgent Message From Robert Redford,' on March 22, but put it aside to be opened along with his bills. The Marsing resident justified his delay, explaining that he did not initially notice that the envelope was rumpled as if by careless handling, and was scrawled over with the words 'HELP ME,' 'DANGER,' and 'PLS CALL PLICE [sic].' Sanborne, who speculated that Redford had penned the envelope's capital-letter pleas with a red magic marker held between his teeth, finally read the time-sensitive letter Monday. Redford is the author of millions of urgent letters seeking support for the halt of oil drilling in the Alaskan Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. In his letter to Sanborne, however, his message of environmental preservation was replaced by one of Redfordian preservation. 'Fellow Lover of Robert Redford: No one voted on Election Day to destroy the body, mind, and life of Robert Redford,' the fourth page of the letter read. 'But now, armed assailants are claiming a mandate to do exactly that! MICHAEL, please understand that without the natural resources Robert Redford requires to sustain himself, this noble creature will soon perish.' Sanborne, a 42-year-old contractor, said he is unsure why Redford chose to contact him in particular. 'I made a $40 donation to the Sierra Club in 1998,' Sanborne said. 'I must've wound up on some mailing list, because now I get a lot of letters with photos of polar bears and wolves on them,' Sanborne said. 'They all say 'urgent,' but I guess this one actually was.' 'Too bad I'm probably too late to do anything,' Sanborne added. 'Otherwise, I might have gotten out my checkbook and sent him a few bucks.' Redford's urgent, unheeded letter ended: 'If we let them plunder Robert Redford's home for the sake of profits, then no piece of our natural heritage is safe from destruction. Pleaseit will take you only a minutego to 12 Ocean View Drive in Malibu and untie Robert Redford from his bonds, MICHAEL. Only through your efforts can we keep Robert Redford wild and free.' Redford, whom California authorities say has not been seen in public for the last three weeks, is presumed dead. |
0 | Roland Kiefer, a recently hired art director with the advertising agency TBWA/Chiat/Day, was overcome with emotion Monday upon learning that he will join the team responsible for the Absolut vodka campaign. Kiefer shows off his new Absolut poster. 'Absolut set the bar for brand image and recognition,' said a visibly moved Kiefer, 34. 'Over the past 22 years, they've made themselves one of the world's most recognizable brands, not just of vodka, but of any consumer product. A bottle of Absolut vodka is not just alcoholit's an icon. I just hope I'm up to the task.' Prior to joining TBWA/Chiat/Day, Kiefer worked at Andrews & Skibell, a Louisville, KY, ad agency. His accomplishments there included designing ads for Franks Nursery & Crafts, stay-in-school public-service ads for highway billboards, and Rallys Hamburgers inserts for the Sunday Louisville Courier-Journal coupon section. 'This is definitely a step up to the big leagues,' Kiefer said. 'Here is a product that has positioned itself as the nation's premier vodka brand. I mean, they've dominated the market to the point where a lot of people actually think the word 'absolute' is spelled 'absolut.' Now, that's brand saturation.' Though not much of a vodka drinker himself, Kiefer has long admired Absolut. 'When you're out at a bar, what do you ask for, a vodka cranberry or an Absolut cranberry?' Kiefer said. 'Absolut, right? Why is that? By definition, vodkas are supposed to be odorless, colorless, and tasteless, so there really shouldn't be that much difference between them. People want Absolut not just for the flavor, but to be a part of the whole Absolut experience. And that all stems from this legendary ad campaign. I am honored to be carrying the torch.' According to a March 2001 Advertising Age cover story, the Absolut campaign ranks among the 10 most memorable and effective of all time, standing alongside such giants as the Energizer bunny, the Wendy's 'Where's The Beef' spots of the '80s, and the Burma Shave billboards of the '50s. While Kiefer admitted that the Absolut campaign's storied history is 'more than a little intimidating,' he said he is confident that he can contribute to its ever-growing legacy. 'Everything they've done, from Absolut Warhol to Absolut Manhattan, is just so inspired,' Kiefer said. 'How do you top an image of Manhattan with Central Park shaped like an Absolut bottle? You don't. You can only hope to come close.' 'And that's exactly what I hope to do with my Absolut Chan,' Kiefer continued. 'It's going to be a picture of a piece of wood with a bottle-shaped piece cut out in the middle, which is where Jackie Chan gave the thing a ferocious kung-fu kick.' Kiefer said the Absolut ads are 'more than just adsthey're art.' 'What other ads do you see people actually collecting?' Kiefer asked. 'Absolut ads get shown in galleries and sold at auctions. That's when you know you've created something truly special. Man, if I could get one of my Absolut ads displayed in a gallery somewhereand maybe even take home a Clio in the processI'd die a happy man.' 'The ads' power comes from their simplicity,' Kiefer continued. ' Two words and one image sell you not just a vodka, but also a lifestyle. These ads say, 'You are a creative and intelligent person who doesn't need to be told what to buy using some sleazy, gimmicky pitch.' The term 'trailblazing' may seem a bit grandiose for an ad campaign, but that's precisely what Absolut has done. Sheer genius.' Erica Schlangen, Kiefer's girlfriend of two years, does not share his enthusiasm for the ads. 'I don't get what he's so excited about,' said Schlangen, 26. 'I mean, take a chimp, give him a banana Photoshopped in the shape of an Absolut bottle, caption it 'Absolut Monkeyshines,' andpow!you have an Absolut ad. I just pulled that out of my ass. How hard can it be?' |
0 | According to new market research, a multimillion dollar broadcast, radio, print, billboard, and online viral campaign launched Monday by the Axiom Marketing Agency tested 'off the charts' among its target market of hip, urban 18- to 34-year-olds who base their actions and opinions entirely on the suggestions of ad campaigns. 'This is exactly the type of customer we're looking to reach,' said the campaign's chief strategist Ben Jacobs, 28. 'It's showing tremendous impact on the cool, media-savvy rebels who distrust authority, prize alternative culture, think outside of the mainstream, and are willing to base their actions entirely on advertising images presented to them on TV. How dope is that?' The campaign, which advertises a new, youth-oriented version of Raisinets called Raisin d'Etre, is expected to make an impressive showing at the upcoming Counterculture Ad Fair sponsored by Procter and Gamble and held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. |
0 | CHICAGOLeo Burnett Agency creative executive Patrick Bergman authorized the use of a common proverb in a Subway ad campaign in spite of the fact that the phrase's true meaning undermines the intent of the ad, the 41-year-old reported Monday. 'The ad slogan 'Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?' was perfect for Subway's free-sandwich giveaway,' Bergman said. 'Who cares if, technically, the customer had to buy 12 sandwiches to get one free? People know the phrase, and they respond to it.' Bergman last misused a proverb two weeks ago, when he put 'haste makes waste' in an ad encouraging people to hurry to a 12-hour Macy's white sale. |
0 | While announcing the groups search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer. Band seeks drummer who can actually keep the beat and show up to practice without fucking complaining about it all the time, read the flyer, which also stated that candidates should own their own drum kit, not be in any other bands, and not be the kind of jerk who never helps us move the amps when the shows over but still has the nerve to ask for a ride home. We need someone who wont sit there playing a bunch of loud fills while were trying to tune up and then fail to find the fucking two and four when its time to start the song. And seriously, dont storm off in anger just because Joel says you came in too early. The ad went on to specify that if a potential drummer has a girlfriend, thats fine, but if you start missing shows because her parents are visiting and she wants you to go out to dinner with them, then its time to man up and just tell Cindy to fuck off. |
0 | WASHINGTON, DC'Greater love hath no man than this for great cola taste: that he should lay down his life for a new generation.' So reads the inscription at the base of Washington, D.C.'s newest landmark: The United States Cola War Veterans Memorial. The newly completed memorial on the National Mall, which honors the advertising executives who made the ultimate sacrifice in the Cola War. A 60-foot-high black granite sculpture honoring the advertising executives who lost their families and jobs in the most bitter advertising war in U.S. history, the Cola War Memorial was officially unveiled Monday. 'From 1983 to 1991, the U.S. Cola War ravaged the American advertising industry, pitting agency against agency in a bitter struggle between Coke and Pepsi,' said onetime Pepsi pitchman Lionel Richie at the memorial's dedication. 'None who experienced the war can forget it, but we need this memorial to help us remember.' Monday's ceremony was attended by thousands of Cola War veterans, many of whom were overcome with emotion as they recalled their war experiences. 'Back in '89, I was stationed on Madison Avenue, between 53rd and 54th,' said veteran Gene Meacham, who served with Saatchi & Saatchi from 1988 to 1991. 'It was horrible. People were getting laid off left and right. One morning, I walked into the office, and Roger, my copywriting partner on the 'Just For The Taste Of It' campaign, was gone, his desk completely cleaned out. He was fired in the blink of an eye. I was late for a strategy meeting. I didn't even have time to grieve.' Even for those who went on to win promotions and climb the corporate ladder, the scars remain. 'It was brother against brother,' said Cola War veteran Nathan McCune, now creative director for BBDO. 'A lot of the people I graduated from Wharton Business School with in '83 were drafted by Coca-Cola agencies, and I wound up serving with Pepsi. There was always that paralyzing fear that you'd run into an old classmate at an annual beverage retailers' convention, and he would suddenly be the enemy.' For other veterans, the brutal, caffeinated war took an even greater toll: To date, more than 5,000 veterans have been diagnosed with what doctors have dubbed 'Cola War Syndrome.' 'For years after the war, any time I went to the supermarket and saw those rows of two-liter bottles, I was back there in the office,' said James Pritchett, a homeless veteran who served with the Lintas Group from 1984 to 1990. 'The jingles would start running through my brain, and I could smell the laser printer ink from the production office. Suddenly, I wasn't in the grocery store anymore. I was in hell.' On top of their own suffering, many veterans still feel great bitterness toward the thousands of advertising executives who dodged Cola War service altogether. In 1989, at the height of the war, some 1,500 executives across the nation switched to other accounts, most notably cars and breakfast cereals. Still others left the advertising industry entirely, finding work in public relations or consulting. While veterans from both sides of the Cola War were moved and honored by the new memorial, controversy still remains over Pepsi's decision to drop the Uh-Huh bomb in May 1991. 'They didn't have to do it,' said Harvard University history professor Arthur A. Gould. 'By all indications, the war would have been over within six months, anyway.' 'When the marketing director announced the Diet Pepsi 'Uh-Huh!' campaign, a slogan of awesome power and catchiness backed by Ray Charles' high recognition factor, I was morally outraged,' said Thomas Rendell, a member of the Diet Pepsi creative team's inner circle during the war. 'I told him, 'We cannot do this. We can win the war by sane means.' But he was adamant, and in the end I had no choice.' Seven years after the Cola War's end, with the dedication of the new memorial, there is a sense among veterans that the wounds can finally begin to heal. 'When you think about it, we weren't all that different. Both sides really wanted the same thing: to sell carbonated, caramel-flavored beverage products to the masses,' Leo Burnett CEO Pat Allaire said. On display at the base of the memorial are hundreds of letters written by those who fought in the war. Among the many stirring testimonials is a letter written many years ago by a nameless, 21-year-old copywriter who lost his job in the Cola War. It reads: 'I dream of a day when there is no Coke, of a day when there is no Pepsi. On this day, the people of the world will not be bitterly divided between two leading brands. On this day, there will be only one beverage, uniting us all: sweet, refreshing cola.' Will the memorial provide a sense of closure to those whose lives were forever changed by the prolonged conflict? Gazing at the proud, silent memorial, retired Saatchi & Saatchi copywriter Doug Wennington summed up the hopes of ad executives everywhere: 'Perhaps, one day we will have closure. A refreshing new sense of closurewith attitude.' |
0 | Before moving on to the normal business of Maroon 5s Wednesday morning all-staff meeting, manager Jordan Feldstein reportedly took a moment to announce that lead singer Adam Levine had been promoted to senior lead singer of the Grammy-winning pop-rock band. In recognition of Adams 12 years of dedicated lead singing, weve made the decision to bump him up to the senior level, which comes with a few added responsibilities and a well-deserved pay raise, Feldstein said to a round of light applause from the other five musicians in attendance. Im also happy to announce that longtime staff keyboardist P.J. Morton will be making the move to associate keyboardist, having come quite a long way since he first joined us as a keyboarding intern right out of college. Congrats, Adam and P.J.! You guys certainly earned it. Levine later told reporters he felt a creeping sense of guilt for having recently submitted his rsum to Death Cab for Cutie. |
0 | Adam Sandler fans across the nation expressed deep disappointment in the new film Punch-Drunk Love, which features an intelligent, nuanced lead performance by the comedian. 'He didn't even do his funny high-pitched 'retardo guy' voice,' said college student Bradley Sanderson, 19, after seeing the critically lauded film Tuesday. 'And what was with all that textured, multi-dimensional character-development shit?' Similarly let down was fan Bob Trotta: 'I didn't pay $9 to see Adam Sandler wrestle with some psychological crisis. He could have at least put a trash-can lid on his head and gone, 'I'm Crazy Trash Head! Gimme some candy!' How hard would that have been?' |
0 | Despite a stellar complete-game effort against the Mets Sunday, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright managed to irritate every player, coach, member of the media, and spectator in the ballpark by shouting out his pitch count every single time he threw the ball. 'One,' Wainwright said after his first pitch, just seconds before acknowledging his second by shouting 'Two.' 'Ninety-nine. One hundred. Anyone getting warmed up in the bullpen? No? One hundred and one.' After realizing he had miscounted in the fifth inning, Wainwright delayed the game for two hours while he recalled and carefully tallied every pitch prior to that point. |
0 | The recently released Freeh Report on Pennsylvania State University, which placed blame on university higher-ups for failing to protect children against sexual predator Jerry Sandusky, also revealed that every student attending Penn State from 1990 to the present day was aware of child molestation at their university. 'Of course I knew something was happeningduring freshman orientation we were all told how much trouble the football program could get in if anyone found out about the horrible things that were happening,' said Randall Silverman, a Penn State alumnus who graduated with a business marketing degree in 1998 and spoke to Freeh during the investigation. 'Everyone realized how devastating that could be to Coach Paterno, who graduates so many players and does so much good in the community, so what were we supposed to do?' Louis Freeh, who conducted his investigation with a team of former FBI agents and federal prosecutors, spoke at length to 1,734 Penn State students and alumni regarding the Sandusky affair and ensuing cover-up by officials. All 1,734 current and former students admitted to being aware of Sandusky's long history of sexually abusing children, and furthermore said they were certain the entire student body also shared in that knowledge. 'Oh, yeah, the sex-with-kids thing,' said 2003 alumnus Gary Freeman. 'I guess everyone knew about it, although there were lots better things to talk about, especially in football season. Hey, you don't think they'll take JoePa's statue down, do you? After all, he's everything this school stands for.' 'I heard they even caught one of the guys that was doing it,' said 2002 graduate Ryan Billingame. 'We've all been wondering if that might happen. My college friends and I were all, like, 'Great. Now that everyone found out, we're going to be known as the school where the kids were raped.' No one's going to even think about how much money our annual two-day dance marathon raises for charity. I mean, the guy they caught wasn't even still here any more.' In addition to the abuse being universal knowledge among the student body, the investigation found the acknowledgement casually referred to on both unofficial university materials, such as yearbooks and event flyers, and official documents such as tuition bills and housing manifests. The probe also discovered information about the child abuse cover-up in course listings, including the sociology department's wildly-popular undergraduate lecture course Sociology 0110, Acknowledging And Dismissing The Ongoing Sexual Abuse Of Children On Campus: Its Impact On Mass Behavior, Perceptions, And Nittany Lion Football, and its three required textbooks, all published by Penn State University Press. 'Every year, when I donated money to my beloved alma mater, I had to sign a disclaimer saying I knew that people directly associated with Penn State regularly had sex with children in the football locker room showers,' said Mellissa Humboldt, who graduated with a teaching degree in 1996. 'It's all part of the proud Nittany Lion tradition, which has raised so much money to help cure childhood cancer.' Investigators noted that, while all Penn State students they spoke to were open about discussing the scandal, they seemed surprisedeven shocked in some caseswhen asked why they themselves had not come forward with the information, evidently implying that the de facto institutionalization and condoning of child sexual abuse by university personnel did not outweigh the pride that they felt over being part of the Penn State tradition. 'I just don't think that staying quiet about the systematic and repeated rape of dozens of kids over a couple decades erases all the good that we've done, and if you talk to most Penn State students and graduates, I think they'd agree without even thinking about it,' said Silverman. 'We Are! Penn State!' |
0 | In a nationally televised address reminiscent of President Kennedy's historic 1961 speech pledging to put a man on the moon, President Bush responded to the global warming crisis Monday by calling for the construction of a giant national air conditioner by the year 2015. Concept art shows how the 800-mile-wide device would function on a 'high cool' setting. 'Climate change is real and it demands a real solution,' Bush said. 'Therefore, I am committed to dedicating all of the technology, all of the brainpower, and all of the resources we need in order to keep America cool and comfortable well into the 21st century.' The National Air Conditioner Initiative is expected to be the largest public works project in the nation's history. Because technology capable of creating an air conditioner that can fulfill the cooling needs of a continental land mass does not presently exist, the president estimated that research and development alone will require at least $100 trillion in both federal and private sector funds. 'The challenge of building an air conditioner for all Americans will be the greatest we have ever faced,' Bush said. 'But we must face it. We must act now to ensure that our children and our children's children can live in a world where they don't get sweaty and have to change their shirts all the time.' <p>'We have a responsibility to future generations.' </p><p><b>President Bush</b></p> While Bush's speech left many questions unanswered, such as whether the one-touch cooling settings would be under federal or state jurisdiction, reaction from congressional Democrats and Republicans has been largely favorable. 'I applaud the administration for finally taking this issue seriously,' House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said. 'Such a giant apparatus means that Americans from all walks of life, not just the wealthy and privileged, will be able to get relief from the rise in the Earth's surface temperature. And it will create a great many jobs. Just removing and rinsing out the huge filter will require tens of thousands of seasonal laborers.' Petrochemical industry leaders voiced early support of the plan, which would stimulate additional exploration and production of oil and gas to satisfy the machine's staggering energy needs. Some fiscal conservatives, however, decry the cost of the project and the gargantuan electric bills that would result, saying that a series of mile-high oscillating fans stationed in the Pacific Northwest and blowing in the direction of the jet stream would accomplish essentially the same thing and save billions. Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan expressed his concern that illegal aliens would benefit unfairly from the air conditioner, since many of them work outside, and questioned President Bush's ability to 'seal the nation's borders in order to keep the cool air in.' Environmental groups like the Sierra Club have taken a tough stance on the president's plan, demanding it contain legally binding language that ensures the air conditioner will be switched to a special energy-conserving 'sleep' setting when the country cools off at night. The White House has shown interest in an 'economy mode' option that could be used in the event of a budgetary crisis, but it is still unknown whether such a massive unit would qualify for an Energy Star certification, let alone accommodate built-in money-saving features. The strongest opposition to the plan has come from Canada. Because the proposed National Air Conditioner would cover 90 percent of the state of North Dakota and face south, the U.S.'s northern neighbor would be directly in the path of superheated air expelled from the machine's back vents. Though Prime Minister Stephen Harper said this would create drought conditions and devastate their farmlands, most believe Canada lacks the clout to halt Bush's air-conditioning agenda. American air conditioner manufacturers, with whom President Bush reportedly consulted extensively prior to announcing the initiative, will soon be awarded tens of trillions of dollars to design and build the components necessary for the giant unit. Industry leader Lennox is expected to receive at least $30 trillion, including a massive installation fee, while the Carrier Corporation, Trane, and Amana are all jockeying for the next largest contracts. 'Global warming threatens us all, whether we're mowing our lawns, rafting down a river in a national park, or driving to the end of the driveway to get our mail,' Bush said. 'The task that lies ahead is undeniably hard. But if we do not succeed, we will be profoundly inconvenienced. And I promise you: America will not let that happen.' Speaking at a Democratic National Committee fundraiser Monday night, Al Gore said that now that Bush has taken up the cause of global warming, the former vice president and environmental activist will redirect his energies toward developing a personal spacecraft capable of transporting a family of four to a distant planet. |
0 | With the launch Tuesday of a massive nationwide ad campaign, athletic footwear manufacturer Adidas has officially unveiled the Adidas Bystander, the first shoe designed for running away from a mass public shooting. From its reinforced tread engineered specifically for running in a zigzag pattern to its whisper-quiet, low-squeak rubber, the Bystander combines speed and stealth to create the perfect shoe for escaping or hiding from an armed murderer, Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer said at a press conference. And its brand-new Firmo-Grip sole minimizes slippage, even when youre panicked and need to move quickly through puddles of freshly spilled blood. No shoe has ever been better suited for todays running, crouching, and cowering needs. The shoes, which go on sale at the end of the month, will be available for wearers as young as 5. |
0 | After remarking upon the frigid temperatures and blustery conditions during his walk into work this morning, Michael Halloran, an adjunct professor of communications and media studies, expressed hope Wednesday that one of his students would leave behind a pair of warm gloves. Itd be great if someone accidentally dropped a couple of nice, thick gloves on their way out of the classroom or just forgot about them on the corner of their desk, the 41-year-old Ph.D. said after hurrying across a chilly campus to teach his third course of the day, noting that last month someone left behind an umbrella that really helped [him] out. Wool would be great, or Gore-Tex maybe, though really Id be happy with anything. Im not picky. A mismatched pair would be fine, too. Id even take one glove if thats all there was. Maybe I could use the hand with the glove to carry my bag and keep the bare hand in my pocket. At press time, sources reported that the adjunct professor had hit the jackpot when he came across a scarf under a chair. |
0 | While it may seem as though she was a little girl only yesterday, local 13-year-old Heather Perrington is now reaching that age where she is likely to begin exploring her stepfather Craig Dunbars body, experts confirmed Tuesday. It can be awkward and even a little scary for an adolescent girl when she experiences all these strange new feelings and starts to notice the sexual desires of her mothers husband, said Ronna Denton, the counselor and health teacher at Perringtons middle school. It will probably take time for Heather to figure out what does and doesnt feel good to her stepfather, and she may be surprised to discover acne and hair in unexpected places on Craigs body. But its all part of growing up, and she should know that she is taking a very important step in life. It wont be long before her childhood is gone forever. Denton added that if the eighth-grader is confused or troubled by such experiences, she should try talking to friends her age who are going through the exact same thing. |
0 | Saying that the experience has been highly detrimental to his development as a happy, healthy, and spiritually grounded member of society, local adopted child Nicholas Brown told reporters Thursday he has grown sick and tired of his homosexual parents always forcing him to watch while they have sex. Brown, a nine-year-old boy who ever since being taken in by same-sex partners Ethan and Thomas Brown has been repeatedly compelled to witness his adoptive parents have unrestrained sexual intercourse, claimed that these ongoing episodes have had an extremely deteriorative effect on his budding moral values. 'Ever since I got here, it's the same routine every day: As soon as I get home from school, my dads lead me into their bedroom, lock the door, and make me watch them go at it for hours and hours,' said Brown, emphasizing that this never-ending ritual has had a 'toxic' effect on his impressionable young mind. 'I wake up in the morning, and they're in my bedroom having sex. They drive me to school, and they're going down on each other in the front seat. I hate it.' 'I try to tell them Hey, you guys, your godless acts are corrupting me and causing long-term psychological and emotional damage, but they just dont listen,' he added. According to Brown, since being adopted in the summer of 2010, his new parents have, under the state's permissive adoption laws, brought him into an environment in which he is subjected to explicit gay sex on a daily basis. Brown said that since involuntarily joining the household, his parents have mandated that he observe them engage in thousands of carnal activities, all of which he claimed have irreversibly 'warped' his fledgling moral principles. Furthermore, Brown noted that on those rare occasions in which his parents are not forcing him to watch them enthusiastically fornicate with both one another and a rotating cast of friends, men they pick up at night clubs, and complete strangers, they have done everything in their power to make sure he remains under their influence. 'There's a TV in the living room that's always playing these gay porno movies, and it's all we ever watch,' said Brown, who identified his adoptive parents as his de facto role models and the only people he has the option of looking up to during his current, formative years. 'I try to get away from it by playing in the park or going to church like normal kids do, but my dads always bring me back home and make me watch them jerk each other off. At this point, the gay lifestyle is all I know.' 'They're raising me as one of their own,' Brown continued, adding his belief that his parents' homosexuality is also eroding the spiritual identity of the larger community. In addition to his day-to-day life watching his parents participate in sodomy, group sex, fisting, heavy bondage, piss play, zoophilia and extended bouts of anilingus, Brown revealed that his guardians have done their best to instill their own unique beliefs and perspectives into their son through varied non-sexual behavior that includes drug abuse, repeatedly denying the existence of God, and advocating for socialized medicine. However, in the face of the unyielding nature of these and other proclivities that are constantly being forced on him, the vulnerable adolescent told reporters that he often feels an overriding emptiness that other children his age don't have to contend with. 'I really want to have strong values like my friends, but I know that wont happen if Im watching my dads have sex all the time,' said Brown, who noted that he himself unwillingly began harboring an intense desire to have intercourse with men the moment he was inducted into his new family. 'As long as I'm under their roof, I'll never have an idea of what a regular life is like, and I'll never get the chance to grow into a normal, well-rounded adult. 'And to think, every kid in the country with gay parents is probably going through the exact same harrowing experience as me,' he added. |
0 | Democratic candidate John Kerry seems to truly believe he has a chance at winning the presidency in 2004, the adorable Massachusetts senator revealed Monday. Kerry, looking very nice all dressed up. 'The current administration's reckless approach to tax cuts is a huge fiscal gamble,' said the plucky politician. 'It benefits the wealthy, hurts the poor, and will never succeed in restoring broad-based economic growth and financial discipline.' 'We must act now, before our nation plunges deeper into debt,' added Kerry, sounding as cute as ever. 'When George Bush took office, there was a projected budget surplus of $5.6 trillion from 2002 to 2011. Now, economists project hundreds of billions of dollars in deficits for the same time period.' The precocious Kerry is one of nine candidates in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. 'That is so great,' said a beaming Dan Rather following a report on CBS Evening News. 'Kerry says he will beat not only all the White House hopefuls in the primary, but also President Bush in the election. Keep it up, champ!' In spite of Bush's campaign war chest of more than $40 million, Kerry maintains a positive outlook. 'Our country cannot afford to stand behind a president who cuts taxes in the face of huge military spending,' Kerry said on NBC's Meet The Press Sunday. 'We must choose a leader who is not afraid to make economic decisions that make us stronger in the future, not just the ones he thinks will keep him in office.' 'Yes, sir, 'Mr. President,'' bemused interviewer Tim Russert said. 'Whatever you say.' Kerry has campaigned tirelessly since announcing earlier this year that he wanted to run for president. 'I believe it's time to turn this country around,' Kerry said at a campaign stop in Davenport, IA. 'On virtually every issue, the president has moved America in the wrong direction: the budget busted, the economy down, the stock market down, unemployment up, the uninsured up, and an America increasingly isolated in the world.' House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) congratulates Kerry for making a 'super-duper point' about Iraq. 'He looks so handsome,' 68-year-old onlooker Iris Weum said. 'It's so nice that he's trying to be president.' Kerry, looking very presidential in his nice new suit and clean white shirt, also criticized Bush's strategy for the war in Iraq. 'The truth is, the Bush Administration went to war without a plan to win the peace in Iraq,' Kerry said. 'Our troops should not be sent into battle like campaign props. We must demand more of our commander-in-chief.' Though the road to the presidency is a long one, experts report Kerry is 'doing a great job.' 'Kerry's presidential campaign had nearly $11 million in the bank at the end of June, which tops the field of Democratic hopefuls in terms of cash,' said Candice Lowman, a political analyst with the conservative think tank American Enterprise Institute. 'So, that's something. Heh heh. What a sweetie.' Lowman added: 'Well, you know, though, as the White House scrambles to answer questions about disputed intelligence on Iraq's nuclear-weapons programs, at least one of those Democratic candidates might have a shot. Stranger things have happened. Aw, who am I kidding?' While Kerry seeks to discredit Bush, he must also differentiate himself from the eight other campaigning Democrats. His main competition within the party comes from U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT), U.S. Rep. Richard Gephardt (D-MO), and Vermont Gov. Howard Dean, all of whom think they are going to win the election in 2004. 'Go get 'em, tigers,' said Toby Nichols, a top advisor to Bush's campaign in 2000. 'Go be president, guys.' Kerry shows no signs of slowing his cute campaign efforts. 'It is long overdue that America stops being the only industrialized nation on this planet that doesn't have health care available for all of its citizens,' Kerry said in a conference call with reporters. 'I'm running for president to make health care for all Americans a right and not a privilege, to bring costs under control, and to cover the uninsured.' 'Awwww,' said Adrian Tung, reporter for The Baltimore Sun. 'That Kerry.' |
0 | Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors. |
0 | In an absolutely precious little press conference before the start of the NLDS Wednesday, the upstart Colorado Rockies confirmed that they would be making the most adorable effort to win the World Series this year. 'They looked so handsome up there in their clean, pressed uniforms that I could have just died,' said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, adding that he wanted to walk right up to Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki and pinch his iddy-biddy cheeks. 'I know I shouldn't have laughed when they said they thought they had a chance, but it was so priceless to see them pretending to talk like grown-ups.' Saying that they felt they were being patronized, the Rockies concluded the press conference with quite the temper tantrum, because they were tired and cranky and needed a nap. |
0 | While relaxing at well-known San Diego sports pub the Tilted Kilt, grinning Padres slugger and current home run leader Adrian Gonzalez awaited your response Monday after asking if you knew who the current home run leader is. 'I'll give you a hint,' said Gonzalez, who proceeded to turn around and point his thumbs at the name on the back of the jersey he wore to the bar. 'Nothing? He's got 22 home runs. Still no? Come on, you know him. He looks like me, acts like me, talks like me. Last name rhymes with Zongalez. I bet you're pretty excited that he's talking to you right now.' Your guess of Ryan Howard was wrong. |
0 | Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn his ACL again and will undergo reconstructive knee surgery later this week. It worked last year on the left knee, so Im trying the other one this year, said Peterson, whose intense dedication to offseason recovery has earned him the reputation of rehab rat among his teammates. Its hard to get over that playoff loss, but immediately after, I got right back to work and tore my ACL. If I was just eight yards short of the record last year, Im thinking that rupturing my LCL and PCL this offseason should put me over the top. Peterson, who confirmed that he had found the best postseason regimen to stay on top of his game, announced plans for a new football camp where the Pro Bowl running back will show young players the best way to damage their knees by hacking away at their ligaments with scissors. |
0 | Responding to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson publicly asserting his firm opposition to gay marriage, the reigning MVPs longtime boyfriend Scott Oakes told reporters Tuesday that he can take a hint and now understands that the athlete isnt interested in marrying him. All right, Adrian, I get the message loud and clear, said Oakes, noting that Petersons stated position that gay marriage is not something [he believes] in perfectly explained why his lover had yet to pop the question at any point in their three-year relationship. He cant see himself being with me in the long term? Thats fine, but if thats how he feels, he should have had the guts to tell me directly rather than letting it slip out in some radio interview. Im not with that. Oakes added that, with Peterson now out of the picture, he was considering trying to patch things up with his former flame, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace. |
0 | Jeffrey Riesman, 29, an account manager at Tri-Trust Insurance, has spent the last 10 years satisfying desires not sufficiently fulfilled during childhood, sources reported Tuesday. Taking a break from his Atari 2600, Riesman enjoys a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. 'I just bought a mint-in-box Six Million Dollar Man Bionic Transport and Repair Station off eBay for just under $100,' Riesman said Tuesday. 'All I need is an Oscar Goldman, and I'll have the complete Bionic toy series.' According to roommate Nate Kenniff, 28, Riesman's need to indulge childhood desires is reflected in everything from his toy collection to his diet. 'We tried shopping for groceries together when I first moved in, but that didn't work,' Kenniff said. 'He'll go to Costco and buy box after box of Fruity Pebbles, Boo Berry, and Quisp. Whenever I suggest we get some Wheat Chex or something a little less sweet, he just rolls his eyes and calls my cereal choices 'lame.'' Kenniff said Riesman spends an average of six hours a night watching TV. 'I like TV as much as the next guy, but Jeff takes it to extremes,' Kenniff said. 'And it's not like he's watching quality stuff. He'll stay up for an all-night Scooby Doo marathon. Have you tried watching Scooby Doo lately? It's not as good as you might remember it.' Riesman also owns more than 500 DVDs, many of which are collections of cartoons he loved as a boy or such forbidden films from his adolescence as Porky's, Private School, and Hot Resort. When Riesman isn't watching TV or DVDs, he's usually playing one of the 200-plus games he has purchased for his vintage Atari 2600 game console. 'I had Atari when I was a kid, but my mom always made me wait until I was done with my homework to play,' Riesman said. 'Now, as soon as I come home from the office, I can settle in and play Yars' Revenge until dawn, and she can't say anything about it.' Added Riesman: 'I'm thinking about picking up a second game system, like maybe a Colecovision or Intellivision. Why not? They're only like 50 bucks. I make almost $30,000 a year. Why deprive myself?' Another area in which Riesman's youthful indulgence manifests itself is his bedtime. Despite having a job that requires him to be at the office at 8 a.m., he refuses to go to sleep before 3. 'When Jeff and I were living together, he'd always stay up way after I went to sleep,' said Carla Green, Riesman's ex-girlfriend. 'I'd say 'Come to bed,' and he'd always snap back that he's an adult and can stay up as late as he wants. I have no clue what that was about.' According to noted psychotherapist Dr. Howard Blum, Riesman suffers from a condition known as Chronic Unfulfilled Desire Syndrome, which affects a person's ability to let go of childhood fixations and embrace maturity. 'Some people are never able to overcome CUDSit can't be medicated,' Blum said. 'The only thing an afflicted individual can do is try to curb those youthful desires while still in their twenties and pray they aren't still pursuing them at 45. There's nothing sadder than a middle-aged Pez-dispenser collector.' |
0 | Dashing the hopes of those among them who believed the faraway world would surely prove habitable, astronomers from the Terxus II star system announced Thursday that a recently discovered planet remarkably like their own is in fact completely hostile to life. According to scientists from the advanced alien civilization, despite possessing liquid water and a position just the right distance from its sun, the bluish-green terrestrial planet they have named RP-26 cannot sustain life due to its eroding landmasses, rapidly thinning atmosphere, and increasingly harsh climate. Theoretically, this place ought to be perfect, leading Terxus astrobiologist Dr. Srin Xanarth said of the reportedly blighted planet located at the edge of a spiral arm in the Milky Way galaxy. When our long-range satellites first picked it up, we honestly thought wed hit the jackpot. We just assumed it would be a lush, green world filled with abundant natural resources. But unfortunately, its damaged biosphere makes it wholly unsuitable for living creatures of any kind. Its basically a dead planet, she added. We give it another 200 years, tops. The alien researchers stated that the dramatically warming atmosphere of RP-26 contains alarming amounts of carbon dioxide and methane, as well as an ozone layer thatfor reasons they cannot begin to fathomhas been allowed to develop a gaping hole. They also noted the presence of melting polar icecaps, floods, and enough pollutants to poison every last drop of the planets fresh water, if you can even call it that. Given the extreme toxicity of its environment, the Terxus scientists said they did not yet understand how the planet ever came to support single-cell organisms, let alone more complex species and intelligent life. Essentially, you have this entire world thats a deathbed for everything still managing to live there, said Dr. Xanarth, who estimates that tens of thousands of species on RP-26 go extinct every year. And for whatever reason, members of its most dominant species choose to live above ground, where they are exposed to deadly ultraviolet rays and weather patterns that grow more and more violent all the time. The majority of them live in crowded, dirty clusters along heavily contaminated bodies of water, she continued. Its really all very sad. Alien scientists acknowledged that for all practical purposes, RP-26 is now little more than a giant ball of dirt emitting noxious fumes. But they also shared an artists rendering that depicts how the planet might have appeared in its recent past, when it reportedly contained flourishing ecosystems able to sustain an impressive diversity of species, and an atmosphere that was actually hospitable to organisms that breathe oxygen. The advanced beings said they have concluded that any attempt to colonize or even travel to RP-26 would be a futile endeavor, because by the time they reached the distant planet its coastlines would have washed away, and the remaining landmasses would be plagued by widespread drought and famine. Frankly, it would be pretty pointless to explore it any further unless we wanted to study how things die, Dr. Xanarth said. Its basically going to be an ugly, befouled rock covered in a thick soup of deadly chemicals. It would need to be terraformed before we could even walk on its surface, which, lets face it, I dont think anyone in their right mind would be willing to do. As for the intelligent life-forms inhabiting that planet right now, God help them, because that whole place is going to hell, she added. Its really a shame, too, because all our data suggests they would have made for really good eating. |
0 | In a bold, unconventional attempt to target America's elusive youth demographic, the advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi will utilize an off-set, mixed-typography font in its upcoming print campaign for Sprite. 'We feel this crazy, jagged, broken typewriter-style font will resonate strongly with the jaded youth of Generation X,' said Stephen Freed, co-director of creative services for the New York-based advertising giant. 'Its broken, imperfect look captures perfectly that disillusioned, anti-commercial, 'I don't fall for slickness, dude' sentiment of today's slacker youth grunge culture. It also scanned extremely well with our test focus groups.' |
0 | The marketing and advertising team at a major American company actually believed that commissioning, paying for, approving, and publishing this sponsored post you are reading right now was a smart move, sources confirmed this week. People love to read sponsored posts, it is the best way for making people trust and respect your brand, and this website is the best place for a company like ours to get the word out about its products, said a spokesman for the company, which, again, genuinely thought that it was effectively bolstering its image with the purchase of this four-sentence, 164-word article that is clearly labeled on a popular website as a piece of advertising material. The post will take everything people like about this websites regular content and slap our companys logo and corporate voice all over it. This is a great idea. People will love this. Right? At press time, the company in question is actually considering doing another one of these things. |
0 | Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his own inner-child demographica purchasing sector he had all but forgotten since the onset of adolescence. 'I asked myself, what would make a kid want to buy Color Magic Cheez-bows?' said McLain, 44, after the emotional breakthrough. 'Only after looking within myself and rediscovering the 8- to 12-year-old male buried deep inside did I hit upon the ideal angle.' McLain next plans to get in touch with his feminine-urban-professional side to develop a campaign for No Nonsense pantyhose. |
0 | The Leo Burnett advertising agency announced Tuesday that a McDonald's spot set to air during the upcoming May sweeps will be the first mute-resistant commercial in television history. The ad reportedly uses a new technology that disables a TV's volume-reduction functions, creating a 'new kind of listening space' for advertisers to communicate with audiences. 'Viewers can try pressing the mute button, but if they do, it will actually double the volume at which they hear the latest 'I'm Lovin' It' jingle,' CEO Tom Bernardin said. 'We already have six more clients signed on to use this exciting marketing tool during the season finale of Lost.' Rival agency Draftfcb is reportedly developing a technology of its own that will remotely turn on a television and adjust the channel seconds before a commercial airs. |
0 | Determined to cultivate the same deep, abiding passion for web traffic analysis that led him to his position as advertising manager at FirstStar Media Group, local father Brian Emmerich told reporters this week that he strives every day to teach the value of an ad impression to his 3-year-old son, Wyatt. Appreciating the true meaning of an online impressionthat special moment when an ad is seen by a web userthats something you learn at a very young age and keep for your entire life. Its an essential part of who you are, said Emmerich, adding that such core principles would allow his child later in life to monitor click-through rates, analyze heat maps, and generate cost-effective advertising. Sure, as he grows older, web trends may change. But for my son to know in his heart that impressions form the very foundation of brand awarenessnothing can ever take that away from him. Emmerich added that seeing his son fully grasp the worth of an impression would make him just as proud, if not prouder than when he heard his boy say his first search-engine-optimized keyword. |
0 | An attempt Monday to impart a piece of upbeat, life-affirming wisdom about enjoying ones youth reportedly conveyed a desperate, melancholy tone that made the message feel considerably sadder than intended, sources confirmed. Enjoy all the freedom and all the options you have now because you can never go back, a well-meaning Jeff Gibbons, 48, told Eric Portman, 24, in what observers said sounded far less like a motivational appeal to seize the day, as he meant it to, and more like a naked cry for help. Sooner than you think youll wake up and you wont have your whole life ahead of you. And those carefree days when it seemed like anything was possible will be over. So enjoy it while it lasts. At press time, instead of coming across as playful and lighthearted, Gibbons sounded like he would absolutely kill somebody if it meant he could be Portmans age again. |
0 | Saying his performance in last nights Iowa caucuses provided just the push he needed, advisors for Jeb Bush expressed their hope Tuesday that the Republican candidate has finally garnered enough momentum to end his presidential campaign. If you look back across several weeks of polling data, you can see that Jeb is definitely starting to build a full head of steam and appears to be in an excellent position to exit the presidential race, said campaign manager Danny Diaz, adding that Bush wasnt just picking up speed in the early primary states but across the country as a whole, and appeared poised to retake the national spotlight by announcing the suspension of his campaign. New Hampshire can be a significant turning point for this campaign if Jeb finishes similarly there. It feels like we could certainly keep following this trajectory and make a big move to call it quits. Let me tell you, theres a certain energy in the Bush camp right now. At press time, Bushs campaign office was buzzing with dozens of staffers canceling accommodations and tour stops all across South Carolina and Nevada. |
0 | Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates recent attacks on each others wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed. Using derogatory language and treating women as mere objects is fine, just as long as you make sure youre making a blanket statement about the entire female population and not a specific candidates wife, okay? said Cruzs senior communications advisor, Jason Miller, repeating nearly verbatim the advice Trumps aides reportedly gave the GOP frontrunner earlier in the day during a strategy session. The publics not as receptive to you attacking Melania directly, so just keep your statements broader when denying women their individual agency and insinuating they have no identity apart from their connection to men and itll continue to go over great. Lets stick with whats been working. Advisors from both campaigns assured their candidates they could be as specific as they wanted when making sexist remarks about Hillary Clinton, however. |
0 | In an Ellen-like ploy for higher ratings, the producers of A&E's Biography have chosen to reveal the homosexuality of host Peter Graves. 'I am a gay man,' Graves announced Monday on the season-ending episode of Biography, which chronicled the life of silent film legend Buster Keaton. As clips from Keaton's film career were shown, Graves spoke of the joy he has long derived from the committed, loving relationship he enjoys with his longtime partner, Stan. 'I love my boyfriend Stan more than anything in the whole world,' Graves said. No sponsors pulled out of the show. |
0 | A UCLA study released Monday demonstrates a strong link between aerobics and lousy music. 'In 98 percent of cases where aerobics are being performed, lousy music can be clearly heard in the vicinity,' study head Dr. Ronald Braun said. 'Whether it's 'Gonna Make You Sweat' by C&C Music Factory or 'Another Night' by Real McCoy, expect to find songs that are in the lousy-to-crappy range wherever there is an aerobics class taking place.' When asked if there is any link between the lousy music and the vacuous, airheaded superficiality of aerobics enthusiasts, Braun replied, 'Definitely.' |
0 | The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area 15-year-old Brian Elkins vigorously engaged in a low-impact cardiovascular workout while watching the TV show. Elkins performed his semi-aerobic routine while watching 22-year-old host Jenni Raye, clad in a spandex bikini-top and form-fitting lycra shorts, do hamstring-toning leg lifts while bent over on all fours. 'We have determined that Brian's heart rate increased by about 35 percent during his semi-strenuous nine-minute regimen,' said Elkins family physician Dr. Edward Farber. 'His breathing rate likewise increased, and several large and small muscle groups received a modicum of aerobic movement and stretching.' Elkins, who woke up with minor soreness the next day, said he 'could really feel it working.' |
0 | Taken aback by the packagings unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright about giving you cancer. Look, it says CONTAINS KNOWN CARCINOGENS almost as big as the Lysol logodamn, they really went for it, said 29-year-old resident Maureen Benthos as she inspected the can while shopping at a local Target, pointing out that the container had the word carcinogenic in three other places, all in bold, red lettering. They didnt even try to obscure it with scientific language or fine print. It basically just says cancer all over this thing. Wow. Several consumers expressed frustration at the labeling, however, noting that it was nowhere near as candid about how high it will get you. |
0 | Listing off a litany of structural and technological flaws, the nations leading aerospace engineers issued a stern warning Thursday that local 6-year-old Bradley Koenigs design for a spaceship is entirely unsafe. Experts from the fields of aerodynamics, jet propulsion, and control engineering unanimously confirmed that the orange-and-purple rocket ship, which Koenig drew during Mrs. Silvestris first-grade class, not only raises major safety concerns, but could compromise the lives of everyone on board were it to ever go to launch. I cant even begin to enumerate all the safety protocols and fundamental principles of spaceflight that this particular vehicle violates, said veteran NASA flight director Raymond Fletcher, who called the crayon-drawn spaceship the most poorly conceived and shockingly hazardous craft he had ever encountered. The asymmetrical oval shape of the craft alone would likely cause it to break apart upon reentry into Earths atmosphere. Thats assuming the long row of randomly spaced circular windows are properly coated with a heat-resistant material to ensure they dont disintegrate before reaching space in the first place. Bradleys mockup ignores even the most basic laws of thermodynamics, Fletcher continued. This ship is essentially just a death trap. Fletcher, who estimated that the spacecraft would cost in excess of $230 billion given the wide array of elaborate instruments affixed to the exterior, said that the vehicles protruding robot arm, which he noted with alarm was more than twice the length of the ship, certainly would not be deployed during takeoff and would not be holding a large sword, as depicted. Engineers also said that the ships apparent lack of oxygen generators, high-temperature insulation tiles, vertical stabilizers, doors of any kind, and an air pressurization system would significantly endanger the lives of the two smiling stick-figure crew membersdistinctly labeled with blue arrows and large capital lettering as Koenig and his best friend, Joshua. Bradleys mockup ignores even the most basic laws of thermodynamics. This ship is essentially just a death trap. First of all, the astronauts are not secured by any seat belts or strapsthere arent even seats to begin withmeaning that they would be thrown about the cabin immediately upon liftoff, said former space shuttle Endeavour commander Christopher Ferguson, who noted that, even if the seemingly rudimentary boosters could generate enough thrust to reach orbit, there appeared to be no coolant system to prevent the intense 5,000-degree temperatures of fuel burns from vaporizing the entire craft. In addition, the large glass dome surrounding the cockpit would shatter almost instantly from the intense atmospheric pressure of reaching escape velocity. They wont be playing on a basketball hoop on the flight deck when that happens, I assure you of that. They would be propelled out of the module and suffocate within seconds. I would not even consider piloting such a craft without extensive safety modifications, Ferguson added. Ferguson also said that the two variously sized wings mounted to either side of the spacecraft would compromise its flight trajectory, sending it careening dramatically off course during launch. He further explained that the cockpits steering wheel would be virtually useless in such a situation. We must have run at least 200 3D computer simulations, and there is simply no scenario in which the periscope doesnt at some point break off and rip an enormous hole in the command module, said Paulo Lozano, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technologys Space Propulsion Lab. And unless Bradley has discovered a new form of liquid propellant Im unaware of, its fairly obvious that with so many flames shooting from the engine, the fuel supply would be depleted within a matter of hours, leaving the craft immobilized and left to float off forever in the void of space. And, needless to say, navigating any manned ship so close to a giant speeding asteroid is also unbelievably dangerous, Lozano added. Despite the clear and irrefutable problems in Koenigs design, experts did admit that the ships giant laser cannon for shooting space monsters was the most awesome thing they had ever seen. |
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0 | Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing 'a bang-up job' running the media. 'This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years,' McCullers said. 'And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable.' |
0 | An extramarital affair between local claims adjuster Ken Hubrin and cocktail waitress Teri Belasco came to an abrupt end Monday when Hubrin informed his mistress that he had been cheating on her with coffee-shop manager Amanda Strauss. Ken and Nancy Hubrin on their June 1993 wedding day. 'Don't get me wrong, Teri is a remarkable woman,' said Hubrin, whose wife of nine years, Nancy Hubrin, is unaware of either affair. 'We had some great times during our eight months together. But sometimes, the spark goes out of a relationship, and you don't even realize it until you meet someone who truly thrills you. For me, that person was Amanda.' According to Hubrin, he and Belasco seemed to have the perfect adulterous relationship, until he met Strauss. 'Things were very comfortable between Teri and me. Maybe too comfortable,' Hubrin said. 'We'd meet at the Days Inn out by the highway every Wednesday while Nancy was at her aerobics class. We'd get together at her place on Mondays during my lunch break because that was her day off. Sometimes, on Saturdays, I'd tell Nancy I was going jogging with my friend Henry, then go to Teri's apartment for a quickie. We had a nice little routine, but somewhere along the way, our infidelity had gone stale. That became painfully obvious once I met Amanda.' Hubrin said he met Strauss on May 10 after Belasco broke a secret rendezvous with him due to illness. 'When Teri canceled on me, I was pretty disappointed,' Hubrin said. 'I didn't want to just mope around in front of my wife, so instead of going home, I went to a coffee shop. This beautiful woman was working the counter alone, and we got to talking. She told me her name was Amanda. Next thing you know, it's nearly 11 p.m., and the place is closing. Just before I left, on a crazy whim I said, 'What are you doing Wednesday?' That's how it started.' Mistress Teri Belasco, whom Hubrin cheated on with Amanda Strauss (bottom). Prior to his first date with Strauss, Hubrin lied to Belasco about his plans for the evening. 'I told Teri I had to go to dinner with Nancy and some old college friends,' Hubrin said. 'I think she knew something was up. I felt really awful, deceiving her like that, but I had a feeling I would've missed out on a really special affair if I didn't give Amanda a chance.' According to Hubrin, halfway though his date with Strauss, he could 'already tell that she was the girl on the side for me.' 'We went to this little out-of-the-way place for drinks and just talked and talked until I had to race home before Nancy suspected something,' Hubrin said. 'The whole time, I kept thinking, 'She is amazing.' I told her about my wife, but she'd already deduced that I was married from the ring mark on my finger. The first few months I was seeing Teri, she had no idea I was married. So, obviously, Amanda has a little more going on upstairs, which I always find attractive in a mistress.' Added Hubrin: 'Still, I didn't tell Amanda about Teri, because I didn't want her to think I was some three-timing creep.' Hubrin said Belasco did not take the breakup well. 'When I told Teri about Amanda, she screamed, 'How could you do this to me and Nancy?'' Hubrin said. 'Then she said, 'Don't you love me?' I said I did and still do, but that I've never met anyone quite like Amanda. Teri is a smart, beautiful woman, and I wish her only the best. I know that somewhere out there is a married man who's going to make her a very happy mistress, but I just don't think I'm that married man.' Asked about his future plans with Strauss, Hubrin was candid. 'This early in an extramarital affair, it's hard to tell,' Hubrin said. 'I'm willing to devote whatever free time I can to Amanda for the foreseeable future, provided things continue going smoothly and she can keep her mouth shut.' |
0 | News of his extramarital affair with a former campaign worker could put John Edwards at serious risk of losing the position or appointment he currently holds, or may be planning to hold, or to contend for, if he hasn't lost it already, sources reported Tuesday. 'This will be a major blow to the retired-lawyer-former-senator- slash-presidential-candidate-and-nonprofit-foundation-founder's chances of being named attorney general or appointed to another cabinet position, assuming Obama gets elected in November and chooses Edwards over someone who has been directly involved in politics during the past four years,' Georgetown University political science professor Samuel DeCanio said. 'I don't know if he'll ever be able to recover and return to the work volunteering job he was doing before this.' It now seems unlikely that Edwards will reclaim his old Senate seat in January, if that is even possible, and a number of critics have called for his resignation from the honorary university post he likely holds if he is not already chairman of a national committee of some kind. A growing number have even claimed he should retire altogether from either public or private life. 'John Edwards needs to step down from or refuse to accept the position immediately,' Republican National Committee deputy chairman Frank Donatelli said. 'He's in a lot of trouble if he still needs to be elected to something.' Added Donatelli, 'I just hope our tax dollars aren't going to him somehow.' At press time, it was unclear whether Edwards could be impeached, or whether he would have legal grounds to sue someone if he were. |
0 | Steve Smalls, a senior vice-president at Chicago's Alliance Manufacturing, the world's largest producer of industrial refrigeration systems, is a self-described 'blues nut.' Steve Smalls enjoys a Kenny Wayne Shepherd CD with his wife June. With his regular table at Dan Aykroyd's House Of Blues, vast CD collection featuring the likes of B.B. King, Bonnie Raitt, and Jonny Lang, and framed photo of himself with Stevie Ray Vaughan, Smalls has been 'a huge fan' of the music for more than 20 years. But the 43-year-old Smalls is not merely a blues lover: With his May 1999 relocation of Alliance's main assembly plant from Cicero, IL, to Hermosillo, Mexico, Smalls put 2,700 mostly black employees out of work, making him one of Chicago's greatest blues causers. 'The best show I've ever seen had to be Clapton at the Rosemont Horizon back in '94,' Smalls declared over a $5.50 Sam Adams draft at the Bulldog Brew Pub. 'He did a version of 'Before You Accuse Me' that absolutely smoked. Unbelievable.' Pausing to enter a favorite Buddy Guy song on the jukebox, Smalls explained why the music resonates so strongly with him. 'In 1996, when Alliance was indicted for illegally burying dozens of 200-gallon drums of deadly freon near Chicago's South Side, I was losing a lot of sleep. There was even talk of some of the top brass getting fired. We got out of it, of course, paying a token fine, but that was a rough experience. At that point, I really felt like I knew what it's like to have the blues.' Smalls is so committed to causing the blues that in the early '90s, he used illegal price-fixing tactics to drive smaller refrigeration-systems companies out of business, causing additional unemployment and poverty among the nation's blacks. 'Running a major corporation isn't easy. You sometimes have to make tough decisions to preserve your competitiveness in the marketplace,' Smalls said. 'But when you do have to make the painful decision to order layoffs, a good Robert Cray record goes a long way toward soothing your soul.' Some of the thousands of laid-off Alliance employees who have the blues, courtesy of Smalls. While the average corporate vice-president would rather attend a golf tournament than listen to Susan Tedeschi, Smalls is happiest at one the countless blues shows he attends each year. 'Kenny Wayne Shepherd was just in town,' Smalls said. 'I got front-row seats and talked to him for a while at a $500 cocktail meet-and-greet backstage. That was a big thrill. He's one of the best young axes around.' 'Have you seen The Blues Brothers?' Smalls asked. 'I just ordered it on DVD. It's one of my all-time favorite movies. Jake and Elwood sure know how to play them blues.' A longtime fan of Blues Brothers star Aykroyd, Smalls can often be found at the comedian's famed club. 'Dan really did [House Of Blues] right,' Smalls said. 'The way he modeled it after an old Mississippi shotgun shack was a great touch. It looks just like those old tin-roof shanties I used to drive past near Alliance's South Side factoryonly with much better drink specials.' Smalls says he has no plans ever to stop loving the music. 'The blues certainly isn't the only music I listen tothe new Santana hasn't left my car's CD player for monthsbut it's what I always come back to,' Smalls said. 'Other kinds of music may come and go, but the blues are forever.' 'Blues music is all about pain: It's about losing your job, your dog dying, and your woman leaving you for another man,' he continued. 'Listening to the blues, I can almost imagine what it would be like to experience one of those things.' |
0 | With challenger Abdullah Abdullah dropping out of November's runoff election, Afghan president Hamid Karzai was effectively reelected to a second term last Monday, evidence, world observers said, that Afghanistan has become a shining beacon of democracy, theocracy, autocracy, and authoritarianism in an otherwise troubled region. 'This election has proved to the world that Afghanistan is capable of conducting free, barely free, and not-so-free elections in which some or all forms of government are embraced,' President Karzai said during a staged victory rally in front of his presidential palace. 'We saw democracy: having an election in which people line up to vote; despotism: having your associates harass and suppress those who intend to vote incorrectly; dictatorship: ordering a widespread media blackout to cover up any and all violent activity; and theocracy: the Taliban actually having more influence and legitimacy than me no matter how many times I am unfairly elected. ' Added Karzai, 'This a great day in Afghanistan for all 180 diametrically opposed forms of government.' From villagers in the most remote regions of the country to citizens in the poorest districts of Kabul, millions of Afghans lined up Aug. 20 so their voices could be heard, muffled, altered, and ignored. According to U.N. officials charged with overseeing the vote, the election was a progressive step for Afghanistan's women, who were able to participate in both the democratic and totalitarian process by casting their votes and then having them immediately discarded. De facto president Hamid Karzai pledges to illegitimately rule the country with an iron fist by the will of the people. Analysts also said this week that the sudden cancellation of November's runoff election further proved Afghanistan's commitment to either an autocratic or plutocratic political system, or perhaps a marionette system concealed behind a nominal, logocratic bureaucracy. 'Today I am very happy and proud to be an Afghan citizen whose vote fully counted in the 2009 presidential election,' Kabul resident Ajani Karmal told reporters while officials from Hamid Karzai's government, Taliban leaders, members of the opposition United National Front, al-Qaeda operatives, and nearly 160 tribal chiefs carrying various forms of weaponry looked on. 'Yes. Very, very happy.' While the election is being hailed as a testament to Afghanistan's devotion to autocratic, theocratic, and possibly even oligarchic ideals, it was not without its share of tragedy. On the day of the vote, Taliban insurgents fired more than 120 rockets in Kandahar alone, causing many Afghans to lose their lives in the name of whatever form of government they were or were not actively participating in. 'People have to realize that any burgeoning exilarchy, autocracy, or tyranny will, from time to time, experience setbacks,' Robert Carlisle, an international adviser to the Free and Fair Election Foundation of Afghanistan, told reporters. 'The same goes for a burgeoning feudalistic, fascist, or kratocratic society, which is another thing we've had here over the past several months. Actually, if one has ever studied consociationalism, there was a little bit of that, too.' Nonetheless, world leaders representing every form of government from democracy to autocracy collectively praised the Afghan election as a powerful symbol of the country's ongoing commitment to various principles of some kind or another. 'I would like to send my congratulations to President Karzai and the people of Afghanistan for showing that, even in the most dire of circumstances, democracy is capable of flourishing,' President Barack Obama said Monday. 'I'm glad we have an ally in Afghanistan.' Obama was not alone. 'I would like to send my congratulations to President Karzai and the people of Afghanistan for showing that, even in the most dire of circumstances, a dictatorship is capable of flourishing,' North Korean leader Kim Jong Il said Monday. 'I'm glad we have an ally in Afghanistan.' |
0 | As late as the third call to prayer Wednesday afternoon, Afghan warlord Najibullah Muhibi had still not determined which sideTaliban insurgents or U.S. Armyhe would provide with useful intelligence that day. 'Boy oh boy, I tell you, both allegiances just seem so tempting today!' Muhibi said through an interpreter contracted by the State Department. 'I suppose I should just pick whichever one strikes my fancy. Either way, I make a lot of money, no? What a glorious day to be alive!' After much thought, Muhibi resolved to share with the Americans the location of a Taliban weapons cache, the directions to which involved driving directly past a concealed roadside bomb. |
0 | After being asked to speak about his experience fighting in the war in Afghanistan on Tuesday, U.S. Army veteran Jackson Richards solemnly recalled an episode when, during a five-year period immediately following his return to the United States, his whole platoon was murdered by undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder. Right from the beginning, you could tell things were looking bad; it was clear some of us werent going to make it out alive, said the 26-year-old lieutenant, his voice trembling as he described how each of his friends was psychologically tortured, shot, or hanged during the 264-week-long ordeal. The worst was the constant sense of fear and dread, not knowing when the enemy was going to creep up and strike while your kids were at school. Richards added that he is always happy to answer questions about the war, since he is constantly reliving his experiences over and over in his head. |
0 | A coalition of African-American activists and scholars released a strongly worded statement Monday citing the 'urgent need' for popular media to depict a new black nerd archetype that more accurately reflects the full spectrum of 21st-century American dorkdom. Believing black nerds deserve better role models, Cornel West chose to appear in the geek-centric sequels to 'The Matrix.' 'Outdated representations of African-American nerds are simply not cutting it anymore,' the statement read in part. 'Perhaps in the '80s and '90s it was possible for young people to identify with Steve Urkel's hiked-up pants, nasal voice, and lovable catchphrase of 'Did I do that?' But today's black nerds are different.' 'They may not carry slide rules and calculators, but they do carry smartphones to make posts on Twitter, Facebook, and Foursquare,' the statement continued. 'Yet where are the modern-day nerds of color in our films and television programs?' According to the Dweeb Diversity Coalition, nerds in the African-American community continue, like their predecessors, to be socially awkward, hilariously unstylish, and a source of embarrassment for their cooler black friends. But a recent survey of pop-cultural archetypes found that in the current TV lineup, almost all nerd characters are white. There is the exception, coalition members noted, of Abed from the sitcom Communitya character, they also observed, who is not of African or Caribbean descent. Meanwhile, the popular nerd action-comedy Chuck stars a white 'geek-chic' computer whiz, and the all-nerd cast of The Big Bang Theory is overwhelmingly Anglo-American, apart from one Indian and one Jewish nerd. 'Even more offensively, on Glee, the black nerds are notably cooler than their white counterparts, as if black geekiness is somehow less lame than white geekiness,' Professor Cornel West of Princeton University told reporters Monday. 'To add insult to injury, the one black man on the show was written out after the first season.' The prominent African-American writer, philosopher, and activist went on to stress that the highest-profile nerds in today's mediaJesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera chief among themare exclusively white. According to West, this leaves many nonwhite nerds feeling as though they have no option but to follow in the footsteps of suspect characters such as the reactionary Carlton Banks, who still appears in syndicated reruns of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. 'And remember, we haven't seen a black gay dork on the screen since Lamar in Revenge Of The Nerds, more than a quarter century ago,' West said. 'When will young black gay dorks be able to look up to something besides Lamar's victorious turn throwing the wobbling flexi-javelin designed by his engineering-major friends to complement his limp-wristed throwing style?' Baratunde Thurston, a black nerd residing in New York City, complained about the limited diversity in his favorite TV programs. 'There are any number of African-Americans on Friday Night Lights,' Thurston said of the Emmy-nominated drama about a racially integrated high school football team. 'Unfortunately, all the black characters are charismatic, sexy athletes. The only nerd, Landry, iswhat do you expect?white. What's a young black nerd supposed to make of that?' His sentiment was echoed by the coalition's statement, which lamented the media's inability to reinvent the societal paradigm of the African-American dorkwad. 'Right now, there are only three major role models in American society for black children to aspire to: the gangsta rapper, the pro basketball player, and the president of the United States,' the statement concluded. 'And that is just sad.' |
0 | The late 1940s and '50s saw a role reversal unprecedented in the history of sport, as African-Americansonce thought incapable of physically competing against whitesbegan dominating playing fields to such an extent that their athletic skills soon came to be seen as their only contribution to society. 'Blacks have no chance against whites on the baseball diamond. They simply don't have what it takes to make the effort,' Boston Red Sox owner Tom Yawkey told The Boston Globe in April 1947, echoing the nation's sentiments as Jackie Robinson made his major-league debut. But two months into the season, Yawkey gave a follow-up interview in which he once more crystallized the thoughts of white America, saying, 'Well, naturally, Robinson is out there running faster, jumping higher, and hitting the ball farther. Blacks are, if nothing else, more athletically gifted than whites. Sports is what they're good at.' This changing viewpoint was soon echoed by notable sports figures, politicians, typical American citizens, Ku Klux Klan members, and University of Kentucky basketball coach Adolph Rupp, who for years had refused to recruit black players because of their alleged unsuitability for athletics. After losing the 1966 NCAA Championship game to an all-black Texas Western team, however, Rupp said that the loss didn't surprise him. 'Blacks have a clear physical advantage over whites because their years of slavery made them genetically stronger and more athletic,' Rupp said after the 72-65 defeat. 'But they'll never be great doctors and lawyers. They don't have the mental capacity for something like that.' 'I'll put it this way,' Rupp added. 'We'll never see a black head coach, team owner, or president of the United States.' At the time, certain controversial figures also claimed that blacks tended to display a certain talent for music, although most of them admitted that said music was only palatable when interpreted by white American or British artists. |
0 | Despite a high-profile media endorsement featuring touching piano music, soft-focus photography, and the star power of former NFL great and television personality Merlin Olsen, Sudanese child Nwangi Botusa died Monday of what medical-relief authorities are calling 'starvation.' Nwangi Botusa, as photographed by a Children's Miracle Fund worker, moments before dying of starvation. <b>Inset:</b> Merlin Olsen Botusa, recalled by relief workers as a 'bright child with a keen interest in Jesus, fighting against all hope for survival, and sitting on Merlin Olsen's lap,' was six years old. 'I can't understand how this could happen,' said Christopher Drake, volunteer-action coordinator for the Children's Miracle Fund, the non-profit charity organization for which Merlin Olsen taped the endorsement. 'It seems almost as if, in today's cynical times, even a personal, direct appeal from an athlete/actor as esteemed as the great Merlin Olsen is not enough to get people to donate money to prevent the death of a child.' The hour-long endorsement, which had aired regularly at 3 a.m. on various cable networks over the last 28 months, was expected to generate a 'significantly greater public response,' Children's Miracle Fund officials said. 'When I think of the millions of dollars in airfare, equipment rental, camera-crew salaries, and editing and technical-support facility costs that went into making this endorsement, only to have Nwangi die because late-night television viewers failed to respond by opening their hearts and their wallets, I am filled with shame for the society in which we live,' said Children's Miracle Fund president Dave Shurmur. 'Where are our priorities?' Olsen was similarly disappointed. 'It is truly disheartening for a star like myself to be let down by his fans like this. I specifically appealed to my public not to let this precious child of God die, and this is what happens?' said Olsen, whose television career has included roles on the heartwarming family drama Little House On The Prairie and the modestly successful Catholic-themed early-'80s action/ crime drama Father Murphy, as well as numerous commercial and parade-host appearances. 'I looked directly into the camera and said, 'See this child's eyes? These are the eyes of a beautiful young person who needs your help,' you know, the whole bit. But, apparently, millions of viewers figured, 'Let him die.' What is with people these days, anyway?' Added Olsen: 'I mean, shit, man.' Olsen expressed his condolences to the family of the deceased child with a 'Dearly Departed' Commemorative Sentiment Floral Arrangement & Bouquet gift-basket set with cookie from FTD Florists, for whom Olsen has been a paid spokesperson for nearly two decades. Children's Miracle Fund workers stationed in Botusa's home village of Akobo reported that the gift basket 'deeply moved' members of the boy's family, as well as thousands of starving children in the area. 'As soon as the package arrived from the United States, the children set upon it like ravenous dogs, devouring the oversized chocolate-mint cookie and the foil wrapper in which it was encased for shipping in a mere matter of seconds,' Children's Miracle Fund relief worker Dwayne Hentrich said. 'It was truly moving to see the way their eyes lit up when they received the first solid food they'd eaten in weeks.' Hentrich said that shortly after eating the cookie, the children ate the accompanying flowers, foliage, ribbons, dirt and flower pot, as well. 'We Sudanese children know that many nutrients can be drawn from a soil-encrusted flowerpot, if it is sucked on with suitable vigor for enough days,' nine-year-old Kiga Nuwali said. 'The moisture and nutrients to be found in its crevices will keep us alive for as much as an additional 12 days.' FTD spokespersons said that, for those interested in sending their own message of sympathy and support to the children of Sudan, FTD will offer a special, limited-edition 'Genuine Merlin Olsen' gift basket identical to the one sent by Olsen, containing a bonus souvenir keepsake photo of Botusa and Olsen, for just $29.95. FTD officials stressed that quantities of the 'Nwangi Not Forgotten' commemorative gift basket will be 'extremely limited,' and that interested parties should place their order 'as soon as possible to ensure delivery in time for the holidays.' |
0 | KAMPALA, UGANDA10-year-old Akello Semesseke, wearing the new 'World Champion Seattle Seahawks' T-shirt given to him Tuesday by an anonymous NFL-licensed promotions manufacturer, expressed his gratitude for the gift while admitting he was not familiar with the sport of American football. 'The Seahawks must be as generous of heart as they are victorious on the field of whatever sport they play to share their clothing with us,' said Semesseke, whose entire village was given one each of the teal and gray shirts, with one exception. 'My father refused his new shirt,' Semesseke explained, 'because although he did need one, he felt it would be disrespectful to the World Champion Eagles, who kindly gave him both a shirt and cap last year.' Semesseke added that if the Seahawks had included 80 cents a day along with the shirt, he could eat. |
0 | Citing poor U.S. sales, San Francisco-based Me Tees T-shirts announced Tuesday that nearly 30,000 of their cream-colored, green-lettered 'Save Darfur' T-shirts will be donated to the children of Darfur. 'Frankly, we thought this would be a more popular issue,' a Mee Tees spokeswoman said. 'If we can no longer make money on these T-shirts, we might as well do some good and send them to the poor, victimized Sudanese children.' Due to their continued massive popularity in the industrialized world, no Che Guevara T-shirts will be donated to the stricken region. |
0 | Kenyan President Emilio Mwai Kibaki said Monday that his country continues to enjoy excellent diplomatic relations with former U.S. President Bill Clinton. 'I have always enjoyed working with Mr. Clinton, and the recent international Agricultural Development Conference was no exception,' Kibaki said. 'And I know that [Democratic Republic of the Congo President] Joseph Kabila enjoyed meeting with him to secure an American commitment for humanitarian aid, as well.' Kibaki said that none of the leaders have anything in particular against President Bush, but added that all the same, they'd rather stick with Clinton. |
0 | PORTO-NOVO, BENINAccording to inside sources in the capital city of Porto-Novo, the nation of Benin is not currently torn by war. In addition to lacking massive civil strife and severe political turmoil, the sources say, the small West African nation is also not under threat of violent military coup by leftist guerrillas. 'Benin is a peaceful country,' said New York Times West African correspondent Richard Coombes. 'Its people are not being killed in large numbers and buried in mass graves. Further, Benin's many cities and villages are not being burned to the ground by roving bands of power-hungry, machine gun-wielding warlords.' Benin's Department of Tourism is capitalizing on the nation's lack of combat, next week launching a $30 million 'BeninYou Will Not Be Killed Here!' promotional campaign. |
0 | GAINESVILLE, FLAfter 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle, pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has finally mastered The Rolling Stones' 'Jumpin' Jack Flash,' his upstairs neighbor reported Tuesday. 'I'm glad he finally nailed it,' neighbor Jeremy Quinlan said. 'From what I could hear through my living-room floor these past 10 months, he was really locked in an epic battle with that elusive 'dunh-dunh, da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da' riff. It was truly like Ahab and the whale.' Next week, Lowell is slated to embark on his next ambitious project, Van Halen's 'Eruption,' which is scheduled for completion in the spring of 2004. |
0 | Following an exhaustive six-week search, federal and local authorities announced Monday that they have finally located a suitable replacement for abducted 3-year-old James Van Elst. 'It took more than 500 man-hours to locate a child with the right eye and hair color, but we're very satisfied with the outcome of this case,' said lead investigator Kevin Callahan, adding that the real Van Elst boy 'was probably dead before we even knew he was missing.' 'To find, after all this time, a child who looks enough like James and is pretty much the same heightwell, it's a miracle.' James' parents said that while losing their son was a nightmarish experience they are thankful that whoever abducted their boy fed him so well that he gained about 20 pounds. |
0 | Five years after settling in southern California and trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station. Three of the six terrorists spend an afternoon together watching an <i>America's Next Top Model </i>marathon. According to cell leader and boat owner Jameel al-Sharif, the potentially devastating operation, which involves breaching the station's reactor core and triggering a meltdown that could rival the Chernobyl disaster, 'can wait.' 'We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great Satan,' al-Sharif said. 'But now is not a good time for us. The season finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the infidels.' 'Probably,' added al-Sharif, who noted that his nearly $6,000 in credit-card debt from recent purchases of a 52-inch HDTV and a backyard gas grill prevents him from buying needed materials for the attack. Though the members of the cell said that they 'live only to spill the blood of crusaders who oppress Muslims,' they cited additional reasons for the delay, including an unexpired free Netflix trial and nagging lower-back pain. 'I think I'm entitled to a little time to fully enjoy the in-dash MP3 adapter and heads-up display that Allah, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to provide me with,' munitions expert Mohammed Akram said of the 2006 Mercury Mariner that is intended to be used as a car bomb during the attack. 'Also, I have nine months left on the lease. But after that, I am more than willing to load it with explosives and go to my glory in its all-leather interior and heated seats.' Cell member Sayyid al-Tantawi, a Cairo-born former physics professor who was able to obtain employment at San Onofre as a reactor technician, once routinely worked 18-hour days so he could secretly obtain security codes and detailed schematics of the facility. But since his promotion to senior project manager last November, al-Tantawi has grown accustomed to perks such as higher pay, mandatory vacation time, delegation of responsibilities, and long lunches with other managers. 'Don't get me wrong, I totally wish swift and painful death to all American pigs, especially that jerk [general manager] Dave [Landis],' al-Tantawi said. 'But I'm no longer the new guywhy bust my ass all day long anymore? When I get home after a day at work, I don't savor staying up all night designing dirty-bomb triggering mechanisms like I did when I first got here. Sometimes I just want to pop in a CD by that soulful infidel Chris Daughtry and relax.' Al-Tantawi added that due to the sedentary nature of his job, he would have to 'lose a few pounds, Allah willing' before being able to fulfill his most challenging task: infiltrating the reactor's spent fuel storage area and draining its coolant, thereby triggering a fire and releasing radioactive material. Indeed, general preparedness appears to be the cell's greatest stumbling block. 'Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew,' said Adib Dhakwan, the cell's second-in-command. 'Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn't open until six, and I don't know about you, but if I don't have that first cup of coffee, forget it.' Despite the terrorists' successful assimilation into American society, the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the 'San Clemente Six' since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the cell's status was recently downgraded to 'low risk,' due in part to a near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and last month's online purchase of a hammock. |
0 | Bill Clinton is leading most polls by about 15 percent, but that hasn't stopped Bob Dole and El DeBarge. With just days remaining in the 1996 race, and with the president enjoying what appears to be an insurmountable lead, his Republican Party and All-Night Party challengers are doing some serious 11th-hour campaigning. While Dole spent the past few days campaigning in the crucial state of Ohio, DeBarge focused on bringing his message of economic recovery through lower taxes to the South. Addressing a group of auto workers in Jackson, MS, DeBarge said, 'It's time to get out, get out into the street, where all of the action is right there at your feet.' When asked about his lack of political experience, DeBarge said, 'Forget about the worries on your mind, you can leave them all behind.' Despite DeBarge's inexperience, his campaign is resonating with millions of disaffected voters. 'He's an outsiderthat's what I like about him,' said Des Moines resident Peggy Morton, 44, chair of Iowans For DeBarge. 'El represents a genuine break from politics as usual.' Whether Dole or Clinton will be able to win over a significant percentage of the DeBarge voters, however, remains a big question. According to most political pundits, the man behind such hits as 'Rhythm of the Night' and 'Who's Holding Donna Now?' enjoys a small but loyal following made up of people who will support their candidate even if it's a lost cause. 'El DeBarge has not spent his life inside the Washington Beltway,' said Phoenix resident Bob Roe, a DeBarge backer who voted for Clinton in 1992. 'He has spent it on the dance floor.' Sounding like a man running out of time, Dole blasted his opponents at a rally in Dayton, OH, citing Clinton's 'basic lack of character and values' and DeBarge's 'lack of a hit song since 1987's 'Who's Johnny?'' In contrast to Dole, Clinton had kind words for the third-party candidate. 'I have worked closely with El in the past and look forward to doing so again in the future,' Clinton told reporters Monday. 'I would not even rule a possible Cabinet position.' Despite Clinton's praise, DeBarge criticized the President for his lack of expertise on such early '80s R&B stars as the Jets, Klymaxx, Shalamar and Atlantic Starr. 'Mr. Clinton has not even heard of Atlantic Starr's hit song 'Secret Lovers,' one of the smoothest grooves of the past 15 years. Is this the kind of leadership we want for America?' The DeBarge camp also remains deeply frustrated over its candidate's exclusion from last month's two key presidential debates. 'Had El been permitted to debate,' said Hugh Fitzrollins, spokesperson for DeBarge-Rockwell '96, 'he would have been able to get his compelling synthesizer-based message out to the American people and, hence, would have been in position to win this election.' |
0 | The bars are closed, but you and your friends still want to hang out. Here are some ways to continue the good times: |
0 | Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday that he had decided to be homosexual. I thought about it for a long time, said Reynolds, who took into account both how his peers would view him and how he would be treated by society at large before determining his sexual orientation. I weighed the pros and cons of homosexuality, and ultimately I decided that it was the right thing for me. The 16-week-old infant, who admitted that he was fully aware of the negative consequences associated with choosing to be attracted to members of the same sex, claimed that he was now prepared to go through life struggling with rejection, intolerance, and unprovoked hostility. In addition, Reynolds confirmed that he opted for homosexuality despite very serious concerns about sustaining permanent psychological damage from a lack of acceptance from family members and fearing the stigma of publicly displaying affection for another man. Of course, I wasnt certain of anything at first, but when I finally made up my mind to be gay, I was conscious of the fact that loved ones would repeatedly tell me that Im not normal, said the 4-month-old baby who made the decision before reaching the developmental milestone of head control. Even though Ill be subjected to ignorant homophobic attitudes and countless anti-gay slurs, the choice of homosexuality really works for me. Reynolds, like all infants when they reach the ages between 2 and 10 months old, was intent on determining his sexual orientation, emphasizing that his decision was just a lifestyle choice and nothing more. While every baby reportedly makes a commitment to being heterosexual, homosexual, or transgender, Reynolds revealed that each infant has different reasons for their decision, explaining that gay felt like a good fit for his personality and disposition. My selection of a sexual preference was the product of a great deal of self-reflection, said the newly homosexual infant, who added that he reached his decision completely on his own and was not influenced by his genetic makeup or any circumstances beyond his control. If my sexuality means I get bullied at school, or that I end up feeling unloved and shunned for my entire life, or that I dont receive equal protection under the law, then obviously that will be my own fault. Reynolds reportedly acknowledged that heterosexuality would have had some benefits, such as the universal right to marriage, the ability to adopt children without fear of scrutiny, and the feeling of being validated by his religion. However, the 16-week-old infant said that, in the end, he had decided to identify with a small minority that lacks many basic rights. Who knows? Maybe Ill even change my mind at some point, said Reynolds, explaining that he can, at any time, freely choose whom he is attracted to. If I wake up one day and dont want to be gay anymore, then I can just switch to being heterosexual, easy as that. After all, its not like Im stuck with this decision for the rest of my life, Reynolds added. |
0 | Saying that she had given the decision considerable thought, local high school senior Katie Simmons told reporters Monday that she would be applying to Bristol College, a school where her family had donated funds for a new 50,000-square-foot library. There are so many great choices out there, but I feel like I should at least consider Bristol, said the 17-year-old, noting that while she would like to go somewhere that has a strong academic reputation and a vibrant social scene, it couldnt hurt to apply to the institution where her family handed over the largest single gift in the schools history to construct a new state-of-the-art library and digital media center. Bristols a pretty good school, and I could definitely picture myself there, so I guess theres no harm in filling out the application, right? Simmons added that she was keeping her options open by also applying to the school whose president plays golf with her dad once a month. |
0 | According to box-office returns, the new Will Smith film After Earth II, the sequel to last months science-fiction adventure-drama After Earth, performed disastrously in movie theaters over the weekend. We had hoped and assumed that audiences would be excited to see how the onscreen father-son relationship between and Will and Jaden Smith would develop in a follow-up film, but admittedly the box-office numbers fell short of our expectations, Columbia Pictures president Doug Belgrad said of the $145 million sequel, which was filmed simultaneously with After Earth last year and scheduled for cinematic release two weeks after the first films premiere. There were hopes that the introduction of Willow Smith as Zenya Raige, the long-lost little sister of Jaden Smiths character who was raised on another planet, would pique interest, but that unfortunately does not appear to be the case. There are also some indications that the release date was poorly timed. Studio executives added that returns for the first and second installments of the film franchise did not bode well for next weeks premiere of After Earth III starring Jada Pinkett Smith. |
0 | Toronto Blue Jays second baseman Aaron Hill told reporters Saturday evening that after 161 games of baseball, the mere thought of a double-play ball rolling toward the middle infield is enough to make him feel physically ill. 'As soon as a runner reaches first, my mind starts filling with thoughts of what I'll have to do if a ground ball is hit to myself or [shortstop] Yunel [Escobar], and I actually start gagging,' said Hill, going into even more vivid detail surrounding his thoughts of shallow pop flies. 'I'm basically just rooting for strike outs and home runs at this point.' When asked if he carried the same sentiment with regard to his plate appearances, Hill explained that he stopped swinging at pitches weeks ago. |
0 | Though he was once confused by the number of frail, seemingly mentally unstable people concentrated around the Houston and Broadway area of Manhattan, local man Paul Nichols, 38, told reporters Monday that as soon as he figured out there was a methadone clinic nearby, that pretty much explained everything. Oh, I get it now, said Nichols, who, during his walk to work, used to wonder why he would regularly see comatose-looking individuals holding cigarettes and murmuring to themselves. Makes sense. After learning of the methadone clinic, Nichols reportedly told his coworkers, who then nodded and said they thought that might be what was going on there. |
0 | Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Monday that given the popularity of NFL games played in London, the league is considering amending its 2014 schedule to include one game each year in Jacksonville, FL. We believe there is an untapped market in Jacksonville for real American football played between two high-caliber teams, said Goodell, who noted that there is actually another sport in Jacksonville that they call football, but it mostly involves the ball rolling around on the ground. This could be a great way of introducing the league to a city that has never experienced the excitement of an authentic NFL game. And if it goes well, who knows? We might even be able to start a franchise there someday. A recent poll of NFL players revealed that 90 percent would never consider traveling to Jacksonville. |
0 | Upon seeing a brief, intimate clip of quarterback Tom Brady completing a gorgeous pass at the Patriots training camp, the nation drifted into intense visions of love Friday night. Ive never felt this way before about anything, SportsCenter viewer Ron Barragan said Saturday morning, crying softly as he recounted his previous nights visions to his family. It was like the entire world was dancing with Tom to one joyful song. It was beautiful. Everything is just beautiful. When reached for comment, Brady flipped his hair, turned to America, and winked. |
0 | According to sources who felt professionally obligated to attend, minute three of a management-sponsored after-work gathering at Freddy's Bar and Backroom remains tortuous and almost unbearable for the seven employees of ProVantage Solutions present. 'My God, I don't know how much longer I can take this,' sales associate Peter Ronson said 122 seconds into the Friday evening event. 'We got through the first minute and a half with stilted exchanges about office stuff, but now we're all silently facing the fact that we have absolutely nothing else in common. I know I should stay for at least one drink, but I really just want to go home. Or anywhere else at all, to be honest.' At press time four of the coworkers had fabricated awkward excuses to leave while the remaining three had buckled down and determined to 'drink [their] way through this thing.' |
0 | In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as 'Afterbirthers' demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. 'All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vesselspreferably along with a photo of the crowning and deliveryand this will all be over,' said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. 'To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?' Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal. |
0 | Estimating the temperature near the bench to be at least 85 degrees, both players and coaches on the Oakland Raiders expressed their frustration Sunday over veteran safety Charles Woodson repeatedly asking to turn up the heaters on the sideline. It must be 70 degrees out right now, but he keeps complaining about how nippy it is and asking to bring the heaters closer to him, said Raiders wide receiver Amari Cooper, adding that Woodson has also been wrapping himself in blankets on the bench in order to avoid catching a chill. And if we dont turn the heat up right away, he keeps coughing and looking at us to get our attention. This is ridiculouswere all sweating our asses off out here. At press time, Woodson had told teammates that it was simply too drafty out and went back into the locker room. |
0 | HOBOKEN, NJDave Erdman, 34, no longer finds bad movies and other forms of mass-media trash culture humorous, the aging Gen-Xer confided Monday. Erdman struggles to muster the enthusiasm he once had for the 1980 Olivia Newton-John bomb <i>Xanadu</i>. 'I hate to admit it, but I just don't get off on movies like Can't Stop The Music or Krull or The Bee Gees' Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band like I used to,' Erdman told longtime friend Patrick Faulk, 33, over drinks at Melvin's, a non-retro, non-hipster, family-style restaurant. 'Even that one where Gary Coleman is living in the bus-station locker and picks winning horses doesn't do it for me anymore. The sad fact is, I can't get excited by anything unless I actually, without irony, enjoy it. How lame is that?' Citing such factors as work-related stress, mortgage worries, and the ever-growing duties of parenthood and marriage, Erdman said he has finally accepted the reality that embarrassingly bad films, TV shows, and consumer products are no longer a viable source of amusement for him. 'I turn on the TV these days, and if I see something that's unbelievably stupid and insulting to my intelligence, all I want to do is turn it off,' said Erdman, pausing to sip from a Tom Collins, a drink he began ordering in 1989 to be amusing but now orders without irony on the rare occasion when he still drinks. 'What's happened to me?' A UNIX system administrator for Arthur Andersen with a wife and 4-year-old daughter, Erdman explained that his busy schedule forces him to spend what little leisure time he has pursuing that which is of sincere interest only. 'As far as TV goes, I enjoy NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, and I'll watch nature shows. As long it's something of genuine interest to me, with actual educational value,' Erdman said. 'I can't believe this is me talking, but when I do find myself with some free time, I don't want to spend it on some crap I don't actually like.' Suffering from kitsch fatigue, Erdman recently did a thorough sweep of his house, throwing out dozens of items he once found hilarious. Among the discarded articles: a Buckner & Garcia Pac-Man Fever LP, which he was delighted to find in a used-record store seven years ago but now just finds stupid; a 1970s promotional T-shirt reading 'Dare To Get Bare With Nair!' which he is now too embarrassed to wear; and a stack of What's Happening?-themed school supplies. A portion of Erdman's formerly amusing kitsch collection awaits disposal. Those close to Erdman say they have noticed the change, as well. 'I got this cool tape off eBay containing four episodes of the TV show The New Scooby-Doo Moviesnot the original CBS Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! show, but the even worse one that came out a few years later, the one with Scooby-Dum and Scooby-Dear, and all these really lame minor-celebrity guest stars like Tim Conway and Jerry Reed,' said Erdman's brother Kevin , 26. 'Dave was supposed to come over and watch it with me, but he canceled. I later found out it was because he and his wife went to see some Arthur Miller play. How dork-ass is that?' Said Greg Talley, 33, a former college roommate of Erdman's: 'When me and Dave lived in Alaska for a summer, just after graduating, there was this unbelievably terrible '80s movie we saw one night at like three in the morning. It was called BMX Bandits, and it starred this guy named Angelo D'Angelo. Can you believe that? It was so friggin' funny. We laughed about it all summer long.' Talley added that, though neither he nor Erdman knew who she was at the time, BMX Bandits also featured a teenage Nicole Kidman, whose current star status led to the film's recent re-release on video. Upon discovering this, Talley immediately purchased a copy of the film to send to his old friend. 'I thought for sure Dave would flip out when he opened the package and saw the video box,' Talley said. 'But when I called him, he didn't even remember what it was. When he did finally get around to watching it, all he said was, 'I wouldn't exactly call that a great film.' Huh? It's like, no duh... That's the point! I mean, what the hell?' Erdman's wife Allison defended her husband's new, taste-based tastes. 'David is a grown man now, and he's got a lot more important things to do than obsess over some movie where John Travolta has to live in a bubble because of a rare disease,' Allison said. 'And William Shatner's lead performance in 1977's colossally bad Kingdom Of the Spiders isn't going to pay the bills or register Caitlin for immunization shots, is it?' Erdman, however, is not so certain about his changing sensibilities. 'I used to be able to take great pleasure in not enjoying things,' Erdman said. 'But these days, the only things I like are things I like. Christ, I feel so old.' |
0 | Remarking upon the enormous caution she now takes before saying or doing anything in the presence of a loved one, local mother Sharon Powell, 64, told reporters Tuesday she knows any wrong move she makes could be interpreted by her family as a telltale sign of dementia. Powell claimed that even the simplest memory lapse, such as momentarily forgetting a distant relatives name or losing track of what day of the week it is, might cause her children to worry that her mental state is in decline, setting into motion an irreversible series of events that would end with her moving into an assisted-care facility. I make sure I place my keys in the exact same spot 100 percent of the time. And I always speak at a steady, even pacetoo fast and I might trip over a word, too slow and they might think Im struggling to come up with the right words. I have to be on top of my game every single day, because if I start slipping up, its only a matter of time before they put me in a home, said Powell, who explained that she keeps her calendar by her side whenever she speaks on the phone with family members so she can recall without hesitation the date and time of any upcoming appointment, social event, or anniversary when its brought up. I make sure I place my keys in the exact same spot 100 percent of the time. And I always speak at a steady, even pacetoo fast and I might trip over a word, too slow and they might think Im struggling to come up with the right words. Next week, Im helping with my grandson Bradleys ninth birthday, and I know that if I mess up one detail, if I get the wrong kind of frosting or forget the streamers, Im as good as gone, she added. The catalyst for Powells concerns was reportedly an incident last Christmas in which she mistook her sons cell phone for her own, accidentally dialing a number from it. While chastising herself for the small oversight, she noticed her son whispering something to her youngest daughter in the hallway and immediately wondered if they were discussing whether her blunder was a symptom of Alzheimers. Ever since, Powell said, she has altered her behavior to avoid any situation that puts her at risk of appearing confused or forgetful, including cleaning up the slightest signs of clutter, carefully familiarizing herself with the settings on her newly purchased microwave, and double-checking to make sure she hasnt left even one unpaid bill sitting on her kitchen counter. I manage well enough during calls with the kids, but Thanksgivings coming up and Im going to have to be on my toes for four straight days with everyone around, said Powell, who confirmed that, out of increasing fear that the error would be the one that does [her] in, she would be setting multiple timers so she could be absolutely certain she does not burn the turkey. If I so much as call my grandson by his fathers name in a moment of absentmindedness, there goes my independence. And if I dont happen to hear everything that one of my kids says to me, theres no way Im asking them to repeat itIll just be sticking to a general response of Thats nice, making sure I maintain eye contact and deliver those words with confidence. Maybe I should leave some finished crossword puzzles lying around for people to find just in case, she continued. Powell went on to state that she must be neatly dressed and perfectly groomed at all times, as any slight inattention to personal care could arouse suspicions of a deteriorating mind. She also noted that after rolling her ankle last week, she avoided contact with her family for several days, fearing they would take her accident as proof that a cognitive impairment was causing her to lose her sense of balance, and that she was in danger of taking a more serious fall at any moment. Ive stopped driving with my kids, because I know a single wrong turn might get them talking about whether its time to take my license away, Powell said. The last time I went shopping with my daughters, I missed the exit to the mall, and I swear I saw Rebecca raise an eyebrow and exchange glances with Allison. I must be on pretty thin ice already, and one more slip-up could get me carted off to assisted-living. Regardless, though, its good for me to keep up these habits, she added. That way, when I actually start losing my senses, Ill already be really good at covering up for it. |
0 | Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog. Given Peytons age and physical limitations, he needs Scout to help him navigate the pocket and find his way to and from the huddle, said head coach Gary Kubiak, adding that the 2-year-old Labrador retrieverwho the veteran quarterback will have on a leash at all times when stepping into the backfieldcan recognize all of Mannings voice commands and hand signals at the line of scrimmage and will then carefully guide him through a play accordingly. Scout will make sure Peyton can move around slowly and securely without falling down or running into one of his offensive linemen, and hes trained to bark if theres a defender blitzing Peytons blind side. Not only is he a guide and helper, but hes also a companion, and theyve already become great friends. Kubiak added that he has already had to tell younger Broncos players that they are prohibited from petting Scout during games in order to avoid distracting the canine and risking Manning being seriously injured. |
0 | Concerned handlers for Pope John Paul II announced Monday that, in recent weeks, the 78-year-old Catholic leader has 'just been blessing everything in sight.' Above: The aging Pope John Paul II, who observers say has been 'consecrating random objects like there's no tomorrow.' The frail pope has been confined to bed ever since his Jan. 28 return from North America. 'We are, of course, very concerned for His Holiness' mental condition,' said chief papal physician Giuseppe Clementi, standing by the pope's bedside, surrounded by dozens of newly consecrated pill bottles, urine-specimen cups and orthopedic slippers. 'Pretty much anything you hold up in front of his face these days, he blesses.' Vatican handlers said they first noticed signs of papal deterioration on Jan. 26, as he deplaned at St. Louis' Lambert International Airport upon his arrival in the U.S. After descending the airplane staircase and kissing the runway, as is papal tradition, the pope broke free of his handlers and blessed a luggage cart, a podium, a Life photographer's camera, the plane's left-side landing gear, three TWA flight attendants, and two of the Swiss Guard who were attempting to release his grip on the landing struts and subdue him. Upon realizing that he was being physically restrained, the pope worked his papal-signet-ring-bearing right hand free and blessed the entire aircraft, which now resides in its own special five-story grotto under St. Peter's Basilica. The pope's blessing rampage also necessitated the construction a 40,000-square-foot reliquary for the storage of thousands of now-holy items. Housed in the structure are such hallowed objects as the Blessed Vacuum Cleaner Of St. Matthew, the Consecrated Ball Of Crumpled-Up Paper, and the Sacred Zagnut Bar Of Christ, which the pope discovered and blessed during his recent U.S. visit. Above: Pope John Paul II sanctifies a Cheetos bag. The only artifacts not stored in the reliquary are those of medical necessity, which have been left in the pope's room. These include the Most Holy Intravenous Saline Drip, Maria The Day Nurse Of The Blessed Virgin, and the Electroencephalogram and Electrocardiogram Of St. Peter and St. Paul. 'That which the Vicar of Christ has sanctified becomes a holy object and must be used for no other purpose,' Clementi said. 'Therefore, it is unthinkable to commit the mortal sin of sacrilege by, for instance, either restraining the pope from the consecration of his strained beets or emptying the bedpans once he has filled and blessed them.' Though concerned about the pope's erratic behavior, Vatican staffers did not admit to a loss of morale. 'The pope's condition may be somewhat disconcerting to those of us charged with his care, but it is no doubt God's will,' said papal drool-bib acolyte Thomassini Moretti, a nine-year veteran of Vatican spoon-feedings. 'I have seen many mysterious things in the service of the Lamb of God, and I must trust that my wristwatch, lunch sack and right leg have become holy artifacts as part of some divine plan that I was not meant to comprehend.' Moretti said he first noticed changes in the pope in May 1996, when he held a much-publicized public baptism of pigeons and stray dogs in Rome's Trevi Fountain. Later that year, he made headlines again when he announced the excommunication of Big Boy and released a controversial papal bull condemning 'picnic apes.' |
0 | Though the the Chargers dealt the Giants a crushing fourth consecutive loss Sunday, running back Ahmad Bradshaw admitted in a postgame press conference that, overall, he still had a 'pretty great' weekend. 'Slept in on Saturdaythat was niceand then that night I made enchiladas with my girlfriend and they came out perfect,' said Bradshaw, who failed to break into the secondary on any of his 14 carries during the game. 'Game day was beautiful. I watched a couple episodes of It's Always Sunny [In Philadelphia] in bed, ate a big breakfast, and then I played a football game for money. So all in all, a pretty great weekend aside from letting down all those Giants fans.' Bradshaw then briefly discussed his disappointing 39-yard performance but cut the press conference short to go explore New York City with a friend. |
0 | Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters Thursday he was kind of getting back into old R.E.M. again, rediscovering his once-great passion for the alternative rock group's first six albums. Ahmadinejad, leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran's conservative political coalition, confirmed that ever since R.E.M. broke up in September 2011, he had been revisiting the Athens, GA band's catalog and was once again really digging its earlier stuff. 'Listening to some of those early albums they did for [record label] I.R.S. has reminded me of how great R.E.M. really was,' said the 55-year-old former mayor of Tehran, who is known for his rigorous implementation of radical Islamist policies throughout Iran. 'Stipe's cryptic vocals combined with Buck's bright, chiming guitar hooks, Mills' melodic bass lines, and the driving beat of Bill Berry's drums creates this ethereal sound that just completely kicks ass.' 'They're basically like the original alternative rock band,' the controversial world leader and Holocaust denier added. Ahmadinejad confirmed he first discovered R.E.M. in 1986 after stumbling across Fables Of The Reconstruction on vinyl at a record store in Tehran. At the time a civil engineering graduate student who helped crack down on dissident university professors and pupils, he said he was immediately infatuated with the band upon hearing the haunting guitar riff at the start of album opener 'Feeling Gravitys Pull.' 'I was already into the Replacements, Hsker D, and Pylon, but R.E.M was like the perfect mixture of jangle pop and college rock, plus they had this really atmospheric quality that was all their own,' said the man the terrorist group al-Qaeda once blasted for spreading conspiracy rumors about the 9/11 attacks. 'You know the thunder effect on 'We Walk'? It's actually the slowed down sound of billiard balls colliding, but with the tape played back at a really slow speed. Pretty cool, right?' Claiming the Grammy Awardwinning band has always been 'super important' to him as a source of reassurance in tough times, Ahmadinejad told reporters he never would have gotten through the stress of the 2009 Iranian election protests and Green Revolution if he hadn't pulled out his copy of Lifes Rich Pageant and 'just put 'Fall On Me' on repeat.' 'People don't give Lifes Rich Pageant enough credit, but it's really goodreally good,' said the Iranian ruler who has been widely condemned for his human rights record. 'It's a great album to put on when you're traveling. When I went to the U.N. in 2005 to speak about Iran's right to develop nuclear power, I was listening to it all the time.' However, the hardline religious politician admitted to souring on the 1987 R.E.M. release Dead Letter Office, saying he now associates the group's compilation of rarities and B-sides with a later visit to the U.N. in which delegates walked out on an address filled with inflammatory anti-Semitic slurs. Despite his enthusiasm, Ahmadinejad claimed he has had a difficult time getting fellow high-ranking Iranian officials into the band's work. While numerous members of the Islamic Consultative Assembly reportedly enjoyed the intentional campiness of the video for 'Shiny Happy People,' the majority of the legislative body failed to grasp how the tracks 'Welcome To The Occupation' and 'Lightnin' Hopkins' on Document were, in their president's opinion, 'a major leap forward' for the band's songwriting. Recently, aides confirmed Ahmadinejad's relationship with Iran's supreme leader Ali Khamenei, who agreed with the president's remarks that Israel should be wiped off the map, had been strained after the ayatollah issued a fatwa declaring R.E.M. had 'totally sold out' with the release of Green. 'That's such bullshit. Green holds up great,' Ahmadinejad said. 'He only said that because it's the favorite album of his ex-girlfriend, who dumped him.' |
0 | Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position at Sarah Lawrence College as the next Dean of Students, officials for the private New York liberal arts school announced today. It is both an honor and a privilege to welcome Professor Ahmadinejad to the administrative team at Sarah Lawrence, to which he brings a wealth of leadership experience and a deep passion for our undergraduate program, college president Karen Lawrence said of the right-wing Islamic leader and former engineering professor, who will teach two introductory courses in government as well as oversee the Office of Residence life, the Center for Health and Wellness, and the First Year Experience program. From his first visit to campus in April, it was clear to everyone that Professor Ahmadinejad is a passionate and student-centered leader who understands our commitment to a highly individualized course of study, including our strong focus on the creative and performing arts, and our commitment to a diverse and culturally progressive campus community. We are proud to welcome him to our faculty. At press time, Dean Ahmadinejad had announced that his first order of business in the fall was to increase campus resources for the Queer Voice Coalition. |
0 | Ahead of Tuesday nights highly anticipated State of the Union address, top White House aides reportedly sat down with President Barack Obama and advised him to maintain a positive and optimistic tone throughout the speech by avoiding any mention of the United States of America. We feel its best to steer clear of topics that may cast the administration in an unfavorable light, so we urged the president to gently skirt the issue of America and any related subjects for the duration of his address, said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, adding that they hoped to deny Republican opponents of any ammunition for their rebuttal by instructing Obama to refrain from talking about the U.S., any one of the 50 states, or the American populace at all. The country has been a really thorny issue for the president, so given the importance of this occasion and the number of people watching, we recommended that the president just stay away from using any loaded terms that might stir up negative associations with listeners, such as the United States, our nation, or my fellow Americans. White House sources later confirmed that Obamas State of the Union speech is estimated at seven minutes long and will focus largely on The Rolling Stones widely popular 1972 album Exile On Main St. |
0 | In an effort to help the presidential hopeful make her best possible impression during tonights Democratic primary debate, Hillary Clintons aides gently reminded her Tuesday not to refer to her opponents as obstacles to greatness. When youre addressing the other candidates, just make sure not to call any of them impediments to glory or the only things standing between me and my rightful place in history or anything like that; its probably best to just stick to using their names, said chief strategist Joel Benenson, who has reportedly stopped Clinton several times over the course of her practice debates to recommend that she use the phrase the senator when referring to Bernie Sanders instead of a minor blip on my path to ascendancy. Youre really nailing all the policy details, which is great, but if you can, remember to stay away from likening your opponents to temporary obstructions, pins to be knocked down, or mere speed bumps. Id also suggest trying the phrase When Im in the White House instead of When the throne is minejust a thought. Benenson added that Clinton should also be cautious about how many times she referred to herself as The One throughout the debate. |
0 | Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderators questions and begun delivering his response while facing the sets backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesdays GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience. Its not unusual for him to get a little confused up there, what with all the bright lights and people talking on all sides, so if we see him starting to drift away like that, a couple of us will just hop up there and turn him back the right way, said senior aide Kyle DeBacker, who added that Walker campaign staffers were almost always able to catch the presidential candidate before hed wandered too far from his podium and could often redirect his gaze by snapping their fingers in the direction they wanted him to look. The only time its a real problem is when he meanders too far from the microphone in the middle of an answer and we have to stay at his side until we can coax him to repeat whichever part the audience didnt get to hear. Otherwise, were just glad hes stayed standing for the whole debate so far tonight instead of lying down on the floor while the other candidates are talking like he usually does. At press time, a distracted Walker had taken a seat on the edge of the debate platform and was absentmindedly banging his feet against the side of the stage. |
0 | BOSTONWith new AIDS cases on the decline for the fourth straight year and the disease in danger of losing millions of dollars in federal research funds, a group of concerned activists took to the streets of Boston Sunday to stress the importance of contracting AIDS. A group of New York-based AIDS activists distributes pamphlets outlining Congressional plans to cut AIDS funding. The group is traveling around the country, teaching young people the importance of spreading AIDS. 'We've worked tirelessly for over 15 years to convince the government that AIDS research funding is vital,' said Steve Hobart, an AIDS Now! spokesperson. 'But now, with AIDS on the decline, that's all in jeopardy. The only way to raise awareness of this deadly disease is to have more people die of it.' For the past six months, the New York-based activists have been traveling across the country, visiting college campuses and youth groups, spreading information about unsafe sex, and encouraging people to infect others with the virus. They have also passed out pamphlets sporting such slogans as, 'AIDS Is Cool,' 'HIV Me!' and 'Catch It!' to more than 500,000 young people nationwide. Attractive, racially diverse models in sexy poses adorn the pamphlets. According to Hobart, if AIDS cases continue to decline at the current rate, America's once-booming $9 billion AIDS industry could suffer a total collapse by 1999. 'The AIDS industry employs hundreds of thousands of people, from benefit organizers to celebrity spokespersons to administrative staffers,' Hobart said. 'Many of these people have families to feed. If AIDS is stamped out, what will these people do?' 'The key,' Hobart said, 'is to have lots of unprotected sex.' According to AIDS Now! co-founder Diane Forsberg, if federal AIDS monies dry up, hundreds of top graphic designers who create fashionable AIDS awareness buttons, posters and pamphlets would also be out of work. 'Who else will hire them? The breast-cancer people? The breast-cancer industry is strapped for funding as it is,' Forsberg said. 'And what about Bette Midler?' Forsberg said. 'Where will she go when there are no more celebrity AIDS Walks?' Forsberg said that her group needs to raise $50,000 every year just for the manufacture and distribution of red ribbons. 'The only way we can pay for those is if more people start dying of AIDS in large numbers,' she said. Though hardest-hit by the decline of AIDS has been the AIDS industry itself, others have been affected as well. Profits at Petersen Pharmaceuticals, an Englewood, NJ-based manufacturer of AZT, were down 44 percent last year, a figure company officials blame on the decline in new AIDS cases. The entertainment industry has not escaped unharmed, either. ABC reported record-low ratings for A Mother's Wish, a May '97 made-for-TV drama starring Judith Light about a boy who contracts the disease. 'Had we put out that movie five years ago,' ABC vice-president of programming Bob Iyer said, 'it would have done huge numbers.' In the wake of last week's Center For Disease Control announcement that AIDS cases dropped 21 percent in 1996, Paramount Pictures announced it was shelving Lifeline, a $25 million AIDS drama starring Diane Keaton already in pre-production. But for all the negative economic impact the decline of AIDS has had, ultimately it is the members of the AIDS community themselves who are hurt the most. 'You have to understand,' Hobart said, 'for years, this disease has brought people together, and given them a place to go. For many of these people, AIDS campaigning has been a vital self-esteem-building tool. And now they're in danger of having all of that taken away.' 'Just a few years ago, there were AIDS benefits every weekend,' said Forsberg, recalling the disease's golden age. 'Now, you're lucky if there's a 5K run once a month. It's very sad.' |
0 | Wall Street narrowly dodged a devastating blow to its reputation Wednesday as insurance giant American International Group seriously considered suing the federal government over the terms of its 2008 bailout, a move that experts agreed would have destroyed the tremendous amount of trust and affection the U.S. populace currently feels toward big banks. Sources said if AIG had decided to join a $25 billion lawsuit over the assistance it received from from taxpayers following a devastating economic crisis for which no one has been held accountable, then citizens who now feel a deep fondness for the nations financial institutions may have become outright angry with them instead. Wall Street really won me over in 2008 when it veered toward total collapse after years of predatory lending practices, said Jessica Woodward, 37, a Cincinnati-based software engineer. And the banks definitely had a special place in my heart after they continued foreclosing on homeowners they shouldnt have loaned money to in the first place. But if AIG had gone ahead with this lawsuitwell, Im not sure thats something I could have turned a blind eye to, she added. Many Americans echoed Woodwards disapproval, saying it would have been terribly unfortunate if the company had gone ahead with its plan to sue the government just a few years after receiving a $182 billion bailout package, considering all the work Wall Street had done to rebuild its good name by granting top-ranking officials obscene bonuses, systematically lying to investors, and failing to reform its practices. Thankfully, AIG has avoided any action that might have sullied the publics view of the financial industry as a whole, said Sam Kerr, a father of three in Boise, ID. Their decision today showed a tremendous amount of respect for the American taxpayer. Honestly, they deserve a round of applause for this, he added. |
0 | With spring in full swing and millions of potential organ donors entering the peak season for boating, hiking, and drowning accidents, the nation's transplanters are predicting a bumper crop in the upcoming harvest, which is welcome news to ailing patients in dire need of organs across America's liver-, lung-, and heartlands. Transplanters harvest a big organ from 1997's record-setting crop. Having made it through another long winter on transplant waiting lists, Americans at risk of organ failure are looking forward to the start of summer, which traditionally provides the most ideal conditions for yielding ripe, tender, life-sustaining organs. Early estimates from the United Organ Farmers Of America project a 12,000-ton yield from Ohio alone, the nation's Pancreas State, which leads the rest of the country in production of the digestive organ. Likewise, after a prolonged and crippling drought, the area of the nation's midsection nicknamed 'America's Spleenbasket' appears poised to have a record season of alcohol-related deaths. 'All signs seem to indicate this will be a truly bountiful year for hearts and small intestines,' said third-generation heart surgeon Dr. Thomas Menard, who presides over a five-acre hospital outside Lawrence, KS. 'If these intermittent rain showers are sustained through the high-school prom and graduation months, we're likely to see a windfall of perennial car crashes.' 'I've already got a large number of vegetables in the intensive-care unit that could be ready for harvesting in as little as two weeks,' Menard added. 'It's a really good yield this year.' In the Southeast, one of the nation's least productive regions in terms of organ yield, the hot summer months promise truckloads of hearty new organs. 'The recent heat wave here in Texas will really boost our already bursting reservoir,' said Amarillo resident Edward Carey, a hepatitis C sufferer awaiting a new liver. 'Usually we don't get too many livers in these parts, but with the high-school football preseason starting up, the number of vibrant young athletes dying of sunstroke should really turn our luck around.' A groundskeeper who fell under his riding mower provides one of the season's earliest sets of lungs. 'I plan to stock up on enough kidneys to last me through the winter,' said Mandan, ND resident Grace Boylan, who suffers from lupus nephritis, an autoimmune disorder that causes antibodies to collect in the kidneys and cause inflammation. 'Sometimes you can find a kidney or two in October, or even November, but they're nowhere near as large, firm, and red as the summer variety,' Boylan said. Some ailing Americans, like David Braschi, a Los Angeles resident who suffers from urethral stricture disease, have been hoping for an abundant organ harvest for months. 'It's been a long time since I've had a good bladder,' Braschi said. 'But if what I hear about seasonal spikes in gang violence is true, I should be able to get one I'm happy with by July.' Besides drought, many previous organ-harvests were also affected by disease and chemical contamination. Imported foreign organs are often found tainted with pesticides, particularly livers from Mexico and Central America. Even in the organ-rich U.S., many lungs are contaminated with toxins such as tar, lead, hydrogen cyanide, and ammonia, and one out of eight livers tests positive for nickel and mercury deposits. Over the last decade, as much as one-third of the aggregate heart yield was rendered unusable by an atherosclerosis blight that permeated the organs with unsightly yellowish plaque. 'These days, you never can tell where you're getting your organs from,' said Cleveland resident Howard Sullivan, whose body has rejected two transplanted hearts. 'Apparently they're trying to develop organs from genetically modified and cloned pigs. In the future, they could even get them from stem cells.' Added Sullivan: 'Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but for me, there's no substitute for an organic, family-grown heart.' |
0 | A fatigue-stricken Buck O'Neil, the 94-year-old former Negro Leagues star, is going to be forced to spend another year patiently waiting to gain admittance into a Kansas City hospital. 'Even though his vital statistics don't necessarily warrant entry, we thought he still had an excellent chance of getting in,' O'Neil's friend Bob Kendrick said. 'When Buck was ultimately rejected, his spirits remained high, but we all know that Buck is hurting on the inside.' Kendrick added that, though O'Neil would never say so, all Buck wants is to make it into the hospital before he dies. |
0 | According to White House officials, Air Force One pilot Col. Scott Turner invited an excited President Obama into the cockpit Thursday, allowing the head of state to increase the throttle and place his hands on the custom-built 747s steering panel. Hey, there, little buddy, you want to be my copilot? Turner was overheard asking the president, who reportedly beamed as the captains hat was placed on his head, a set of wings was pinned to his suit lapel, and he was informed that the plane was traveling 600 mph faster than a car. No! Dont press that! Just kidding, you can press it. Want to talk to the control tower? Later, after a shy Obama posed for a picture with Turner, the pilot confirmed he did not vote for the president in November because he is staunchly opposed to the majority of his political and personal beliefs and feels he let the country down in Iraq. |
0 | Air India, the subcontinent's largest airline, announced it will offer upgraded Business Caste seating on all flights starting in July. 'More legroom, wider seatsand no need to associate with the manual laborers,' a spokesman for the airline said Tuesday. 'Our business travelers must have lived good past lives to deserve this.' Air India still ranks at the bottom of the airline industry in customer satisfaction, with a high volume of complaints about cooking fires in the climate-uncontrolled cabins, wandering cows that flight attendants refuse to remove, and the 'Untouchable' Coach Caste, which is towed behind Air India jetliners in a giant burlap sack. |
0 | American Trans Air Flight 282 from Chicago-Midway to Newark took a turn for the tedious Monday, when undercover air marshal Kirk Gillam was drawn into a conversation about passenger Terrence Delsman's patio for the majority of the two-hour flight. Gillam (right) finds out why pine planks aren't a good idea. 'Most people just take whatever tiling option their contractor gives them,' Delsman told Gillam. 'But I did research online and opted for terracotta. I couldn't be happier.' Gillam is one of an estimated 4,000 marshals placed in the cabins of U.S. commercial airlines by Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge in an effort to tighten aviation security. Gillam, a former Navy SEAL, trained for 12 weeks last year in tactical terrorist suppression aboard an aircraft. Delsman, who was traveling to Newark on business, single-handedly spruced up his backyard in July. The flight-long discussion about patios was prompted by an umbrella advertisement in a SkyMall catalog sitting open on Gillam's lap. 'That's close to what I have in my yard,' Delsman said. 'But mine was a lot cheaper. A lot cheaper. I know this great place in Elmhurst that sells top-brand stuff. You should check it out if you're ever doing some remodeling.' Delsman also told Gillam about the difficulties he had getting his patio furniture delivered, the quality of his outdoor barbecue set, and the benefits of citronella candles over tiki lamps. 'The lamps just don't work as well as the candles,' said Delsman, unaware of the 9mm automatic hidden inside Gillam's coat pocket. 'The candles smell better, too.' 'Uh huh,' Gillam said. 'Those come in the metal buckets, right?' Gillam, who knows 18 different ways to disarm a knife-wielding adversary, nodded rhythmically as Delsman related the simple pleasure of lounging in his newly finished patio. 'Sure, it was hard work, but it was worth it,' Delsman said. 'Sitting out there in the summer with a drink in my hand, watching the sun go down... Sometimes I'll invite the neighbors over.' In an interview Tuesday, Gillam said he has learned to remain focused on his missionpreventing hijack attempts and ensuring the safety of airplane passengers and flight creweven when he's involved in casual conversations. 'I'm not allowed to bring a book on board, and I certainly can't sleep, so talkative passengers tend to target me,' Gillam said. 'I'm on anywhere between two to four flights a day. Usually, people just talk about their kids or jobs, but this week, I've heard about everything from working at Disneyland to breeding Wheaten Terriers. It's really not that bad. Although I am kind of tired of talking about how many airlines don't serve dinner anymore.' Continued Gillam: 'I do a visual scan of the entire cabin every five minutes while we're in flight, to see if anything is brewing, but the people talking to me don't seem to notice.' When asked his opinion of the U.S. government's decision to order foreign airlines to place armed air marshals on some international flights, Gillam seemed indifferent. 'I guess that would be fine,' Gillam said. 'It's part of my job to be flexible. I'm not much of a talker, though. I can usually get through these short trips, but an eight-hour flight to Ireland beside a Chatty Cathy might be more than I could handle. I should ask if I'm allowed to wear headphones as long as I have the sound turned off.' Ridge praised the air marshals for helping to keep the nation's skies safe. 'The marshals are to be highly commended,' Ridge said. 'Despite being forced into excruciatingly mundane conversations about everything from stock portfolios to the proper way to make a pork roast, these men remain vigilant. Because of their efforts, an average member of the American public can feel safe babbling about his aunt's cataract surgery for two hours. For that, we should all be thankful. |
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