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0 | Covering beats as diverse as Crestline city government, Crestline High School football, and Crestline births and deaths, Crestline Gazette reporter Jerry Schoepke writes an estimated 80 percent of the weekly community newspaper. A recent issue of <i>The Gazette</i>. Inset: Schoepke. 'I'd say Jerry is writing about four-fifths of what goes in these days,' Gazette editor-in-chief Ralph Dilger said Monday. 'He really stepped up to the plate after [former reporters] Marty and Barb Dutler moved to Ashland County in 1999.' The Crestline Gazette's lone staff writer and among the most important of its nine fulltime employees, Jerry Schoepke's name can be found throughout the paper. 'Pretty much, as you page through and look at the bylines, you'll see Jerry Schoepke, Jerry Schoepke, Jerry Schoepke, Ralph Dilger, Jerry Schoepke,' managing editor Wendell Greggs said. 'Until you get to the Outdoors section, that is. Then it's Ty Yeager, Jerry Schoepke, Ty Yeager.' Established in 1979, the 5,000-circulation Gazette serves Crestline and parts of the nearby towns of Leesville and Shelby. Schoepke said he feels a strong sense of dedication to the paper, aware of the vital role it plays in the community. 'The Gazette may be small, but it's important for a town to have a source of information they can trust,' said Schoepke, whose recent reports include 'Route 61 Project Underway,' 'Kozy Kitchen Damaged In Fire,' and 'C.H.S. Teachers Barred From Driving Students.' 'Some papers will print anything to fill up space, but we have higher standards than that. That's why, after 23 years, we're still around, while Crestline News & Shopper and Three-City Record aren't.' On top of his weekly reporting duties, Schoepke writes a monthly column titled 'What's Happening?' in which he comments on everything from local goings-on to national trends. Schoepke said the column is his favorite part of the job. 'What's Happening? is the part of the paper where I can get a little crazy,' Schoepke said. 'It gives me a chance to get anything and everything off my chest.' In one recent installment, titled 'No More 'No Parking'!' Schoepke humorously railed against the proliferation of No Parking signs downtown. He compared the signs to flowers, noting that 'every spring, more and more of them seem to pop up.' In the tongue-in-cheek piece, Schoepke also expressed fear that visitors to Crestline could become confused and think the name of the town is 'No Parking.' As frequently as his name appears in bylines, Schoepke writes even more items for which he is not credited. 'I get the recipes for 'Homemaker's Helper' off the wire, so I can't really claim credit for them,' Schoepke said. 'And I do the Who, What & Where society column, but my name's not on it, because I feel it's better off attributed to a fictional character so it remains consistent through the years. I also leave my name off the movie reviews I write because, although I do write them quite regularly to help Wendell out, I don't want to get into any conflicts over negative reviews with [local theater owner] Tim Hough, who's a good friend.' Born and raised a short distance from Crestline in Mansfield, Schoepke graduated with a journalism degree from the University of Akron in 1979. After 'bouncing around' a number of newspapers in Ohio and Michigan, he relocated to Crestline and 'found [his] home' at The Gazette. 'The Gazette is pretty much the ears and eyes of Crestline,' Schoepke said. 'If something's happening in Crestline, you'll read about it here. That means I'm pretty busy most of the time. For example, today I went over to the sporting-goods store to do a story on the scuffle over fishing licenses, then I dropped by the new bakery on Spruce Road, and then I headed over to the high school to cover the big wrestling tournament.' Concerned about Schoepke's heavy workload, Dilger said he plans to hire another reporter soon. Dilger noted, however, that skilled journalists who know the local scene are hard to come by, and that the meager starting salaries at The Gazette 'sure don't help matters.' 'Hopefully, someone qualified will move to Crestline soon,' Dilger said. 'Or maybe one of the graduating seniors will come by. I should ask [Crestline High School newspaper advisor] Terri Easton if she's got any good kids this year who might want to give an internship a whirl.' In addition to his 50 hours at the paper, Schoepke works 10 hours a week stocking and packaging dried goods at his wife Suzanne's health-food store. 'Jerry is on the go all the time,' Suzanne said. 'I'm always telling him, 'You can miss a town-council meeting once in a while. Nothing ever happens, anyway.' But he won't hear of it. He takes his job very seriously. It's important for him to do it right.' Schoepke's presence is a familiar one at Crestline community events. 'Everyone knows Jerry,' town-council president Stan Schumacher said. 'He's always in the back with his notebook and tape recorder. If there's a big deal going on, like the Crestline Days festival or something, he'll bring a photographer, but he usually takes the pictures himself.' Despite his passion for local politics, Schoepke said he has to be careful not to let his own views seep into the articles he writes about such hot-button community issues as the funding of a new municipal pool or the garbage-collection fee for residents outside the city line. 'As a journalist, I have to remain impartial,' Schoepke said. 'So if I have an opinion, I put it in an opinion column, not a news story. Or else, I'll write a letter to the editor and sign it 'Anonymous.'' Schoepke, who attends a yearly journalism conference in Columbus to keep abreast of current trends in his profession, said he is not content to rest on his laurels. 'The Gazette needs to keep pushing the envelope to remain relevant in today's media environment,' Schoepke said. 'So far, I think we're doing a pretty good job. You'd be surprised how often someone says to me, 'Hey, Jerry, I saw that article you wrote in the paper.' It's at least a few times a year. That's a good feeling.' |
0 | According to a Department Of Labor report released Monday, four out of five Americans derive at least a portion of their income from the sale of handmade jewelry. 'In the past 10 years, the number of Americans selling or attempting to sell jewelry of their own creation has risen tenfold,' Labor Department spokesman Gary Hardwick told reporters. 'And, speaking of jewelry, if any reporter here has a girlfriend or wife who might like some lovely dreamcatcher earrings, I'd be happy to show them some of my designs.' |
0 | Citing a desire to finally make a difference in Iraq, in the past two weeks, more than 800,000 young people from upper-middle- and upper-class families have put aside their education, careers, and physical well-being to enlist in the military, new data from the Department Of Defense shows. Young Manhattanites line up outside the Times Square recruitment office. 'I don't know if it was the safety and comfort of the holidays or what, but I realized that my affluence and ease of living comes at a cost,' said Private Jonathan Grace, 18, who was to commence studies at Dartmouth College next fall, but will instead attend 12 weeks of basic training before being deployed to Fallujah with the 1st Army Battalion. 'I just looked at my parents in their cashmere sweaters and thought, 'Who am I to go to an elite liberal arts college and spend all my time reading while, in the real world, thousands of kids my age are sacrificing their lives for our country?' It's not right.' Added Grace: 'Whether I agree with the war or not, our president needs us, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let our least advantaged citizens bear the brunt of this awesome burden.' At the on-campus temporary recruitment table at Reed College in Portland, OR, the line of students eager to sign up for active duty stretched around the block Monday. Recruiters across the country reported a similar trend, with scores of young people asking how soon they could be ready to go to battle in Iraq. 'They don't have these recruitment centers where I live,' said Daniel Feldman, 26, who resides in the affluent neighborhood of Brookline, MA and recently passed his bar exam. 'I didn't realize you could just sign up, but now that I do, all of my friends from law school, yoga class, and temple are going to join, too. And not the Reserves either. We're talking down and dirty, right on the front lines.' Drill sergeants at boot camps in South Carolina and San Diego, though at first skeptical of the recent crop of potential Marines, said they have been impressed by their work ethic, claiming the wealthy youngsters' desire to 'do their part' is undeniable. 'They haven't complained once since getting here,' Sergeant Greg Forenczek said of the new upper-crust recruits. 'Usually, after the first two hours, you know who's going to get dismissed early, but not with these kids. There's a fire in their eyesa fearless passion to become U.S. soldiers' 'They inspire me,' Forenczek added. New Marine Sierra Pettingill, a 22-year-old sociology major who left Duke University before her final semester, said she felt compelled to serve after realizing she did not have a single acquaintance who had died, or even served, in Iraq. 'I was sending out invitations to my champagne-brunch birthday get-together when I heard that U.S. military casualties in Iraq had reached 2,900,' Pettingill said. 'I decided then and there that I would not allow this inherently unequal system to perpetuate any longer, no matter how much I want to go have martini night at the Oak Room.' Though most of the privileged enlistee youths said they were motivated by a newfound concern that America's reputation could be permanently damaged with a loss in Iraq, others have cited the examples set by their relatives as instrumental in their decision to join. 'My great-great-great-great grandfather would not have been able to make a fortune in the fur trade and real-estate business had it not been for the brave people who fought in the Revolutionary War,' said 24-year-old John Jacob Astor VIII, who has put all of his business ventures on hold indefinitely. 'My children are going to know the importance of stepping up to the plate when their nation needs them.' 'From this day forth, the Astor name will be synonymous with sacrifice,' he added. U.S. Gen. John Abizaid, who has in the past argued against a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq, now says that with the influx of nearly a million troops expected to be on the ground Feb. 1, the region should be stabilized within six weeks. |
0 | Remember SDI, deregulation, and tax cuts? The new administration does. That's right, '80s retro fever is sweeping the executive branch, with President Bush and his nostalgia-crazed colleagues going wild for the people and policies of that 'totally tubular' decade. George W. Bush and members of his '80s-themed administration. 'The '80s were so awesome,' said Bush, grabbing a handful of Jelly Bellys from a jar on his Oval Office desk. 'They had, like, the best policies back then, like trickle-down economics and communist containment. And the Cabinet members were the coolest: Ed Meese, Caspar Weinberger, George Shultz. I'm so totally going to find a position for Donald Regan in my administration.' Bush has already begun indulging his love of all things '80s, nominating James Watt for Secretary of the Interior. 'Remember in '83, when Watt didn't want The Beach Boys to play that Fourth Of July party because he said they were unwholesome?' Bush asked. 'And then when he said the thing about his staff having a black, a woman, two Jews, and a cripple? That was hilarious.' Nearby, vice-president and fellow '80s-lover Dick Cheney reclined on a couch. 'You know who else we should nominate?' Cheney asked. 'Robert Bork for Supreme Court!' 'Bork? Who's that?' Bush responded. 'Oh, waitthat's the arch-conservative judge with the funny little chin beard, right? God, I totally forgot about that guy! Yeah, we should definitely nominate him!' Bush also tapped Donna Rice for White House press secretary but retracted the offer when he realized he was thinking of Fawn Hall. 'I always get those two confused,' Bush told Cheney. 'I know one was with Oliver North and the shredder, and the other was with Gary Hart and the Monkey Business, but I forget which was which. Then there's Jessica Hahn. She was the one with Jim Bakker, right? Or was it Jimmy Swaggart? Anyway, I want the Ollie North gal.' Bush praised Hall, calling her 'a major-league babe.' Cheney affirmed the appraisal, saying, 'Yeah, big-time.' Though too young to remember much of the decade, Bush nevertheless said he had 'tons of fun' in the '80s. 'Once, when I was 36, my dad took me to the CIA to meet William Casey,' Bush said. 'It was one of the best days of my life: I got to watch a National Security Council meeting. Then, afterwards, Mr. Casey let me sit in his big leather chair. Even though I was really young at the time, I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday.' Bush shows off one of his many '80s-retro T-shirts. 'Even the enemies were cooler in the '80s,' Bush continued. 'Back then, there was Russia, Libya, and Iran. Now, those were some bad guys. What do we have today? North Korea? How lame is that?' 'Know what else was awesome about the '80s? The respect for human life,' said Bush, sporting a retro 'Choose Life' T-shirt, made popular by George Michael during his Wham! days. 'This is the same one [Michael] wore during the 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' video.' Bush has vowed to pursue a number of '80s-retro initiatives while in office, including a revival of the Star Wars missile-defense system, the firing of 12,000 air-traffic controllers, and a boycott of the 2004 Summer Olympics. He is also organizing a Hands Across America event for later this year to commemorate the 15th anniversary of the 1986 original. 'As a uniter, not a divider, I recognize the importance of feel-good gestures like Hands Across America, USA For Africa, and that 'That's What Friends Are For' song,' Bush said. 'Back in the '80s, people used to come together and lend a hand to those in need. It's important to make the occasional token effort toward helping others.' Added Bush: 'We also need more Americans like New Jersey's own Bruce Springsteen, in whose songs live the hopes and dreams of every one of us.' On Monday, in his first official act as president, Bush showed his love for the '80s by issuing pardons to convicted Wall Street figures Ivan Boesky and Michael Milken, as well as John DeLorean and Claus von Bulow. He also pledged $240 million in federal tax breaks to Union Carbide, whose Bhopal, India, chemical plant was the site of a 1984 chemical disaster that Bush 'totally remembers.' Later in the day, Bush suffered his first retro international-relations gaffe, when, during an official greeting to the people of China, he said, 'We begin bombing in five minutes.' Bush apologized, explaining that he was only joking and did not realize the microphone was on. Though committed to leading America into the future, Bush said he can't help but wish he could have been president back in the decade of Pac-Man, skinny ties, and illegal arms deals with Nicaragua. 'Man, that would've been so cool to be the leader of the free world back then,' Bush said. 'I was born 15 years too late.' |
0 | Claude Winters, 83, falsified his age Saturday to gain admission to a dance for singles aged 65 to 80 at the Appleton VFW. 'The girls at the over-80 dances are so old-fashioned,' said Winters, eyeing a shapely 68-year-old widow across the dance floor. 'When I go produce shopping, I want my vegetables, you know, fresh.' Winters stressed he is not 'some cradle-robbing pervert looking for pre-menopausal women.' |
0 | An 83rd birthday party for Hilldale Nursing Home resident Abraham Porter stretched the definition of the word 'party' Monday. 'Yes, there was food and music and gifts and people gathered for the purpose of celebrating, so, technically, it was a party,' said Lydia Marks, the ailing Porter's great-grand-niece. 'But it felt like something else altogether.' The highlight of the affair, Marks said, was when Porter recognized his only son. |
0 | At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants. With audible murmurs of 'This is no way to live,' 'What the hell am I doing hereI hate it here,' and 'Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place,' all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness. By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of the Holland and Lincoln tunnels, and the area's three major airports were flooded with New Yorkers, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 20 million tons of concrete wasn't constantly suffocating them. 'I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here,' said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. 'Well, fuck that. I don't need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being.' 'You see this?' added McQuade, pointing at a real estate listing for a duplex in Hagerstown, MD. 'Two bedrooms, two baths, a dena fucking denand a patio. Twelve hundred a month. That's total, not per person.' According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream 'shut up!' at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow. Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and fucking on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people. In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase 'Only in New York' is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience. 'I was sitting on my stoop, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over,' Bronx resident Sarah Perez, 37, said. 'Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here.' 'This place sucks,' Manhattan resident Woody Allen, 74, told reporters. 'It just fucking sucks.' When fleeing New Yorkers were asked if they would miss the city's iconic landmarks, most responded that Central Park is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing actual nature, that the Brooklyn Bridge is great but it's just a fucking bridge, that nobody goes to the Met anyway, and that living in a dingy, grime-caked apartment while exhaust fumes from an idling truck seep through your bedroom window isn't worth slightly bigger bagels. 'This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure,' said 32-year-old Brandon Rushing, a lifelong New Yorker. 'I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?' 'Plus, we're the place most likely to get nuked by a dirty bomb in a terrorist attack,' he added. 'So that's great. Also, it smells like shit here, and I'm not exaggerating. You'll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human shit, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in shit for like 20 seconds.' Before departing by private helicopter, Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke with members of the media to address the situation. 'You know what the greatest city in the world is?' Bloomberg asked reporters. 'Scottsdale, Arizona. It's clean, it's not too big, it's got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren't fucking insane. This place is fucking insane. And by the way, that's not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag.' By Tuesday night, New York was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some 10 million Los Angelesarea residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of four distinct seasons, and yearning for the hustle and bustle of East Coast life, had already begun repopulating the city. |
0 | After waiting nearly 26 years to attend a White House ceremony in recognition of their Super Bowl XX victory, the 1985 Bears met with President Obama last week, a visit that was marred by the dog-shit-caked former Chicago players smearing feces all over the place. I wanted to do something nice and finally honor the team, but this was a terrible mistake, said Obama, adding that the entire West Wing now reeks of dog shit. They somehow managed to get dog shit on the curtains, the walls, my desk, an oil painting of James K. Polk, and even the Bears jersey they presented to me. I really should have listened to my advisers on this one. As of press time, White House officials confirmed that much of the supposed dog shit was actually human excrement belonging to retired quarterback Jim McMahon. |
0 | In an announcement that has electrified the music world, the Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew confirmed Monday that it is reuniting and will soon begin work on its first new material since the seminal 1985 'Super Bowl Shuffle' single. The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew Confirming the recent swirl of music-industry rumors regarding a possible reunion, Shufflin' Crew lead singer Willie Gault told reporters: 'After nearly 12 years of solo gigs and side projects, we decided it was time for us to work together again.' Gault went on to strongly deny rumors that the Crew was returning to the studio looking for trouble. 'We didn't come here looking for trouble,' Gault said. 'We just came to record the long-awaited follow-up to the 'Super Bowl Shuffle.'' According to Shufflin' Crew member William 'Refrigerator' Perry, he, Gault and punky QB Jim McMahon have already sketched out rough demo versions of 10 to 15 songs, which will, over the next two months, be fleshed out in the studio with producer Steve Albini. Perry said fans should expect the new album to be 'darker and more introspective' than the group's 'Shuffle'-era work. '[The new album] will definitely reflect our maturation as a group and as individuals,' said Perry, who may be large but is no dumb cookie. 'Back then, we were young, wild and arrogant: Jim [McMahon] had his spiked hair, shades and controversial, message-bearing headbands, and I had my legendary eating exploits and rushing touchdowns. We kind of had this attitude like, 'We're so bad, we know we're good, blowing your mind like we knew we would.' But while the new record will still have that trademark Shufflin' Crew swagger, it will also show our more reflective side.' All of the original Shufflin' Crew members are expected to participate in the reunion except Otis Wilson, who told Spin magazine in a recent interview that his 'heart just isn't in it anymore.' 'Back when the group first started, we were just struttin' for fun,' Wilson said. 'But once we hit it big, everything changed. Suddenly, there were business meetings, publicity appearances, video shoots, sponsorship deals. Before long, it wasn't about the music anymore. That's when I knew I had to get out.' Numerous names have circulated as possible Wilson replacements, ranging from former Poco bassist Jim Messina to former Bengals running back Ickey Woods. 'Otis has made his decision, and we respect that. It will be difficult, but we must go on as a band without him,' Shufflin' Crew co-founder Walter Payton said. Added Payton: 'Running the ball is like making romance.' While the album is still months from completion, the Shufflin' Crew tried out some of the new material at an unannounced gig at Chicago's Lounge Ax music club last Friday. Response from the sold-out crowd was overwhelmingly positive. 'They sounded really good, really tight, man,' said die-hard fan Jeff Rampling of Des Plaines, IL, who estimated he has been to over 250 Shufflin' Crew shows. 'Once they got warmed up, they were rocking like vintage '85 Crew.' 'They kicked some serious ass tonight,' said Don Frischman, lead singer for Four-Six Defense, a Chicago-area Shufflin' Crew tribute band. 'Richard Dent still blows me away live.' In negotiating terms for the new album with Geffen Records, the Shufflin' Crew made one demand: complete creative control over the project. 'We made it clear that under no circumstances would we allow participation by the female referee who twice blew a whistle over our singers' attempts to say the word 'ass' during the 'Shuffle' sessions,' backup vocalist Steve Fuller said. 'The Bears traffic in the truth, and either you can handle it or you can't. Censorship is slavery.' Expected to hit stores in early November, the new album will be followed by a world tour beginning February 1999. All proceeds from both the album and tour will go toward charity. 'I want to stress that we are not doing this because we're greedy,' Payton said. 'The Bears are doing this to feed the needy.' One of the most successful American bands of the mid-'80s, the Shufflin' Crew broke up in May 1986 due to creative differences and infighting, particularly between Gault and keyboardist Gary Fencik. Gault embarked on a solo career in 1987 and scored a minor hit with the song 'Chocolate Swirl (That's What I'm As Smooth As),' but never equaled the success he had with the Shufflin' Crew. Fencik and Fuller went on to form the band Touchback with New York Giants wide receiver Phil McConkey. 'After so many years apart, it feels good to be back together again,' Gault said. 'But most of all, I'm happy for all the Bears Shufflin' Crew fans out there. You guys are the reason we're shufflin' on down. We're doin' it for you.' |
0 | According to a report released Monday by the Department of Sides and Garnishes, 85 percent of U.S. cole slaw is never consumed. 'Extensive surveying of restaurant bus tubs and waste bins indicates that for every 120 tons of slaw produced, only 18 tons end up being eaten,' the study reported. The study focused exclusively on U.S. restaurants, as there is no evidence that anyone has ever made cole slaw for home consumption. |
0 | Eighty-seven people were killed and 114 wounded at an open-air market in Islamabad yesterday in one of the worst ruckuses to hit the Pakistani capital in years. Witnesses said that the bloody to-do occurred shortly before noontime prayers, and that dozens were instantly killed by the doozy of a shockwave. Many more were reportedly trampled to death in the rush to escape the foofaraw. 'It was as though some invisible hand had come through to wipe out all that was good and human,' onlooker Taufiq Jinnah said. 'There was so much death and carnagehow could God let such a brouhaha happen?' The Pakistani government, which promised a major counter-hubbub against those responsible, would not rule out a small-scale nuclear donnybrook. |
0 | Stating that the man is rarely able to reflect on events from earlier in his life without visibly wincing, sources confirmed Monday that 87 percent of local medical claims processor Tyler Collins memories are rooted in the emotions of shame, humiliation, and guilt. According to accounts, nearly nine-tenths of all recollections Collins brings to mind, including moments from his first relationship, proposals he made at a recent work meeting, and comments uttered in sophomore-year English class, instantly flood the 37-year-olds mind with the same feelings of regret and self-disgust that were present when he first experienced those situations days or years ago. Sources added that the 87-percent figure applies to Collins entire store of memories, and that the number is actually above 90 percent for the subset of memories he developed between seventh and 11th grade, roughly 93 percent for those pertaining to job interviews, and nearly 100 percent in cases of his attempted social interactions with women he has found physically attractive. At press time, reports confirmed that Collins had paused what he was doing, closed his eyes, and began rubbing his left temple while berating himself softly under his breath. |
0 | According to sources at Thomas E. Dewey Middle School, all 26 students in Mrs. Flannerys fifth-period health class squirmed uncomfortably and grimaced in disgust Thursday throughout the screening of a 45-minute educational video titled The Miracle Of Abortion. Sources reported that the film, which uses actual footage of one womans abortion experiencefrom contacting a provider, to entering the facility, to induced dilation and suction-aspiration, to disposalwas shown to the anxious and embarrassed students on a large television set that had been wheeled in from the AV department. It was so sick, said 13-year-old Ethan Grimm, stating that he felt queasy and could barely eat lunch after watching the video. When it came out, it was all slimy and such a gross color. Ugh. Weve all heard about how abortions work, but I didnt expect it to be so disgusting in real life, Grimm added. During the videos first 20 minutes, as the patient and various surgical tools were prepped for the procedure, the only noise reportedly made by the students was the sound of anxious fidgeting as they repositioned themselves in their seats. While many grew red in the face and giggled audibly at the first sight of the womans genitals, the chuckles are said to have quickly turned into gasps and groans of revulsion as the film approached its climactic scene of embryo evacuation. Class members confirmed that ever since the sixth grade, the inevitable prospect of watching The Miracle Of Abortion had filled them with a sense of dread and nervous anticipation, as they had heard disturbing, yet intriguing, tales from older students about the highly graphic nature of the video, including ominous mentions of placentas, speculums, and an electric pump. According to reports, the level of anxiety in Mrs. Flannerys class began rising earlier this week when students began a sex-education unit on unwanted pregnancy. Later, after watching the video, the eighth-graders unanimously agreed that the simple line drawings in the Abortion chapter of their health class textbook had not prepared them for the real footage and graphic scenes depicted in the film. I couldnt even watch when they showed the doctor examining the uterine contents, said Jessica Coleman, 13, noting that the whole process appeared unbearable to her. I think I still want to have a kid aborted when I get older, but after watching this video, I think Ill only have one. In spite of the classs overwhelming negative response, numerous sources confirmed that one student, 14-year-old Travis Wesson, appeared totally into the video, leaning in toward the screen and never once averting his eyes. In both the moments leading up to and immediately following the screening of the film, health teacher Diane Flannery, 53, is said to have reminded the unsettled students that the events depicted on screen were 100 percent real, and simply a natural part of life and sexual behavior. Every year, theres a lot of uneasiness when I show this video, Flannery said. I recognize its uncomfortable for kids their age to watch, but as they start to become aware of their own sexuality, its important they see what actually happens to the female body during abortion. Theyre going to have to learn about it some time, Flannery continued. And while they may find abortion unpleasant now, I always assure them that when they become sexually active adults and start thinking more about their own lives and children, theyll realize what a true miracle it is. |
0 | Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending todays March for Life event in the nations capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her churchs anti-abortion organization. Right to choose? Thats a lie! Babies do not choose to die! chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. Life from conception! No exception! At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression. |
0 | Described by medical personnel as 'a real whopper,' a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old Jennifer Pischke like a bat out of hell Monday. 'Fire in the hole!' obstetrician Karen Mobley screamed as the infant careened off the sides of Pischke's fully dilated cervix like a Comanche on the warpath. 'This little cannonball's ready to blow. Gangway!' At press time, the baby, nicknamed Herbert 'Heads Up, Idaho Springs, We Got a Full-Throttle Runaway Locomotive on Our Hands' Pischke, was resting comfortably in a bassinet. |
0 | Police and emergency responders were called to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the early morning hours Thursday after the White Houses Truman Balcony collapsed under the weight of dozens of reveling administration officials, leaving nine senior staffers with moderate to severe injuries, sources reported. It was made clear to the occupant at the time he moved into the residence that the balcony was not designed for more than five people at a time, but he went ahead and made the reckless decision to let the whole Communications Office out there anyway, and unfortunately this tragedy is what resulted, said Capitol Police Chief Kim Dine, who was unable to confirm reports that, prior to the collapse, a roughly 20-foot-long beer bong had been seen extending from the balcony to a group of boisterous cabinet officials on the South Portico porch below. We had responded to this location several times in the past for noise complaints, and we informed administration officials each time that the balcony was only to be used for photographing the First Family or gazing out at the ceremonial gardens. No parties, no barbecue grillsnothing like that. This was, sadly, a very avoidable mishap. The incident marks the largest emergency response on Capitol grounds since January, when 10 freshman congressmen were rushed to George Washington University Hospital with acute alcohol poisoning following an out-of-control Ways and Means Committee hazing ritual. |
0 | With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to who was to blame for arriving late to the ceremony, over 90 percent of the audience members at Lehigh Universitys graduation ceremony are currently involved in a heated family argument, campus sources are reporting. Shh! Pay attention. This isnt about you, nearly all the parents of graduating seniors told their younger children prior to a family squabble over how to use the cameras zoom function and then another about why their graduating sons or daughters didnt better explain where they would be sitting during the ceremony. Goddamnit, if you didnt want to sit all the way back here you should have gotten ready on time. Honey, did you figure out where were meeting after? Following the ceremony, 8 in 10 parents are expected to start another argument by asking their graduated children why they didnt get honors and all their friends did. |
0 | The View, a daytime talk show featuring a panel of women who discuss current events and topical issues, has found its newest cohosta 53-foot-long giant squid. &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;img src=http://onionimg.local/3973/original/600.jpg&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; The sea creature squares off against Whoopi in a heated round of Hot Topics. We feel that the squid brings a fresh new point of view to the program, said View executive producer and host Barbara Walters. We looked at hundreds of potential candidates, but in the end, this rare and exotic creature from the darkest depths of the sea truly stood out. And as far as we can tell, it is a female, Walters added. The 900-pound cephalopod from the family Architeuthidae joins cohosts Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Sherri Shepherd. Like many past hosts, who have come from such diverse backgrounds as law, stand-up comedy, and local news, the squid was a virtual unknown before joining the cast. Plucking it from relative obscurity, producers discovered the squid 26,000 feet below sea level in the Mariana Trench and said to themselves, This is the perspective the show has been lacking. &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;img src=http://onionimg.local/3974/original/600.jpg&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; In recent weeks, the squid has graced the covers of Elle, People, and TV Guide. After the squids years spent dwelling on the ocean floor, I think viewers will be interested to hear its take on the hustle and bustle lifestyle of New York City, said ABC programming director Cyndi DeHart. And personally, I cant wait to see how the squid interacts with Whoopi. Watch out! This sassy cephalopod takes no prisoners, she added. In its debut on the show, the marine life form was very animated, thrashing wildly and whipping its clawed tentacles across the studio during a heated debate about the Iraq War. Since then, however, the squid has been quiet and largely motionless. Many critics say the squids reserved nature provides the perfect contrast to the louder, more opinionated cohosts such as Goldberg, Behar, and Hasselbeck. According to fans of the show, the squids most memorable moment thus far occurred last week, when it got a little testy during a discussion on whether teenage girls are getting too sexy too soon and squirted 12 gallons of ink onto Sherri Shepherd. The antic was met with laughter and applause from the studio audience. That was the moment this squid became a star, said View co-executive producer Bill Geddie, who has already booked the multi-tentacled mollusk on The Tonight Show and Live With Regis And Kelly, and has laid the groundwork on a deal for it to take over hosting duties of the syndicated version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in 2010. In addition, the squid has already netted its own weekly segment on The View, The Giant Squids Gourmet Corner, which features quick and easy culinary tips for viewers at home. Fan reaction to the giant aquatic invertebrate has been mostly positive. A recent ABC poll claims that the squid is connecting well with housewives and single mothers over 35. I like the squid, said Chicago resident Anna Herskowitz, 46. I really relate to it. More than I relate to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, anyway. Some viewers, however, have complained that the squid is too conservative. During an interview last week with Republican presidential candidate John McCain, the squid sat silently sprawled across the center of the studio and didnt ask the senator a single hard-hitting question. That squid is there for one reason, and thats to push its right-wing conservative agenda, Denver, CO viewer Mary Foley said. Come on, give us viewers a little credit here. Critics have also noticed some tension between the squid and the rest of the cast. The squid has been known to start arguments with Behar by wrapping one of its 27-foot tentacles around Behars torso, lifting her into the air, and drawing her toward its powerful beak. The producers, however, say that such spur-of-the-moment conflict is what makes The View what it is, and that the attack was not personal. In an interview last Friday, Behar voiced her support of the creature. We might argue on setI might jokingly call the squid disgusting or decomposing or stupid, and poke fun at its awful stench, and it might sometimes try to shred my body with its razor-sharp radulabut once the show is over, were all friends, Behar said. The squid even came to my daughters piano recital. According to a network insider, the squid is planning an emotional segment that will air next Wednesday in which it reveals that it has breast cancer. |
0 | Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as 'phony poseurs unworthy of the word 'punk.'' Tolbert, who flies the flag for classic '90s punk. 'These kids today have no idea what real punk is,' said Tolbert, who called himself 'Steve Spew' from 1992 until May 1999, when he was forced to revert to his real name to take a job at Roberto's Custom Auto Upholstery. 'Those so-called punk bands they listen to today? Sum 41? Good Charlotte? The Ataris? They're not punk. Back in the day, man, we used to listen to the real deal: Rancid, The Offspring, NOFX, Green Day. Those guys were what true punk rock was all about. Today's stuff is just a pale, watered-down imitation. There's no comparison.' Recalling the glory days of the '90s, Tolbert waxed nostalgic for a few moments before condemning today's punks. 'They can talk all they want about how much punk means to them, but the simple fact is, they weren't there,' Tolbert said. 'These kids today have no sense of history. They don't know about Pennywise. They barely know about Epitaph Records. Most of them don't even know about Green Day's legendary appearance in '94 at the L.A. Coliseum. It was a watershed, one-of-a-kind moment in the history of youth rebellion, and if you didn't live through it, as I did, you'll never get it, no matter how punk you pretend to be.' Tolbert's disdain for the current punks encompasses not only their musical tastes, but also their style of dress. 'Punk is more than just a Mohawk hairstyle,' Tolbert said. 'For us back in the '90s, punk was a way of life. I see these kids today hanging around Gilman Street in their leather jackets with their wallet chains, and I just want to say to them, 'You think punk is a costume, man?' Back in'93, it was about so much more: It was a rebellion against outmoded belief systems. It was a cry of outrage against the repressive authority of the Clinton Administration.' 'I saw some kid wearing a Sex Pistols T-shirt the other dayhe couldn't have been more than 9 when the Pistols did their Filthy Lucre reunion tour,' Tolbert said. 'I was like, 'You can listen to the music, you can wear the T-shirt, but I was there.' I had fifth-row seats at that goddamn stadium, man, right up front, close enough to see Johnny Rotten's wrinkles. Did you see an original member of The Clash play during Big Audio Dynamite II's last tour? Did you see two of the four original Ramones play at the KROQ Weenie Roast in '95? You did not, but I did. I swear to God, they're like a joke, these people.' Sum 41, a band Tolbert says 'can't hold a candle to the greats of eight, nine years ago.' Tolbert, who dropped out of Berkeley Community College in 1993 to spend a year skateboarding and living off his parents, was once a major fixture of Berkeley's punk-revival scene, although he still rejects that label. ''Punk revival'... what bullshit,' Tolbert said. 'Anybody who says punk was 'back' in the '90s doesn't know what they're talking about, because punk never went away. Sure, you didn't hear about it as much in the mainstream corporate media, but punk was always around for the true believers like me and my friends.' According to friends, the young Tolbert was a shy but well-respected member of his high school's yearbook staff before adopting a punk-rock stance upon his enrollment at the community college. He later formed a band, Absence Of Dissent, but the band broke up before completing any recordings or playing any gigs. 'We could've been huge,' Tolbert said. 'Bigger than New Bomb Turks, even. But all the greatest punk bands fell apart before their time. That's what happened to Darby Crash of the Germs, and that's what happened to us, except we didn't die of drug overdoses, and we came along about 15 years later. But the pretty-boy pretend punks of 2003 could never understand that.' 'The thing I can't stand is when they get all self-righteous and act like I'm the one who doesn't 'get it,'' Tolbert continued. 'That attitude is totally contrary to the whole inclusive spirit of what punk is all about.' Added Tolbert: 'Don't try to be something you're not, man. That's what I say.' |
0 | TEMPE, AZLillian Reselman celebrated her 91st birthday Monday by continuing to do what she's been doing for more than nine decades: outliving those closest to her. 'This amazing lady has outlived not only two sisters, a brother, and a husband, but scores of friendsand even her only son, who died in the Vietnam War,' Oak Hill nursing-home employee Tanya Stoles said. 'Lily is a real survivor.' Stoles credited Reselman's incredible longevity to her 'great endurance.' |
0 | Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have opted not to display the symbol, choosing instead to leave it in the storage facility where it has been located for the past 10 years. 'On the one hand, it's pretty miraculous that there was a precisely shaped 80-by-80-foot swastika found in the rubble of the fallen World Trade Center, but in the end, we decided not to include it in our plans for the museum,' said memorial spokesman Stanley Morgenstern, adding that it would probably be seen as inappropriate. 'Although you've got to admit that it is pretty incredible. Mathematically, what are the odds? It's amazing but, perhaps, not right for what we are trying to achieve with the museum.' Upon hearing the news, neo-Nazi groups have complained about the exclusion, arguing that the giant swastika is 'a sign from heaven' and that '9/11 affected all Americans, including those who believe in the inherent genetic superiority of the Aryan race.' |
0 | Citing overwhelming evidence, 9/11 Truth movement adherent Dennis E. Shaw, 53, told reporters Tuesday that he believes the U.S. government has orchestrated a secret, intricate plot to systematically destroy his entire life over the past 11 years. Shaw, who since 2001 has lost his job, seen his marriage end, and, according to friends, completely alienated himself from mainstream society, argued that there are serious reasons to doubt the commonly accepted explanation that his slide into reclusion and paranoia was his own fault. The official story is all too familiar, said Shaw, a self-identified 9/11 Truther who hands out pamphlets at Kennedy Plaza from 2 to 6 p.m. every day. On Sept. 11, 2001, terrorists crashed three planes into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon. Then, over the ensuing months and years, my obsession with the truth behind those events supposedly led to the gradual collapse of my personal and professional life. But this convenient little narrative requires us to believe a series of highly improbable coincidences. Open your eyes, and youll see the puppet masters fingerprints are all over my pathetic, seemingly self-destructive existence, he added. Pointing to a detailed timeline scrawled on poster board affixed to the wall of a studio apartment cluttered with 9/11 paraphernalia, Shaw reviewed the events that, he believes, happened too perfectly to be anything but the intentional, controlled demolition of [his] life. In January 2004, my wife said she wished I spent more time with her instead of on Internet Truther forums, yet somehow, in April of that very same year she complained that it was becoming unbearable to be around me, he said, showing reporters a day-by-day account of the couples failed relationship. It simply doesnt add up that Melissa would say she wanted to be with me both more often and less oftenunless, that is, an outside party like the U.S. government wanted her to say it. Meanwhileand this is where it really gets interestingon four separate occasions in 2002 I recorded my mother saying she thought my research was interesting and worth thinking about, continued the man, who confirmed he has watched the film series Loose Change seven or eight times in the past week. How was it, then, that by November of the following year she was calling it crazy and sad, a complete reversal of her original stance? Shaw went on to present a chart showing the suspiciously rapid disintegration of his friendships since 2001, noting the disparity between the 258 social interactions he shared with his best friend, Stephen Danforth, in the years before 2001 and the mere 17 interactions theyve had since then, a decline Shaw said cant be explained by pure, random chance. Recently, the 53-year-old created a website dedicated to uncovering what really happened to Dennis E. Shaws life, in which he posits the existence of a shadowy government conspiracy whose sole purpose is to engineer his downfall. Everyones in on itBush, Cheney, Bernanke, Israel, and now Obama, said Shaw, claiming that an entire life and career couldnt just collapse like this all on its own. Not a single one of them has ever come forward to deny their involvement in the destruction of my life. Even ignoring the rest of the evidence, Shaw remarked, the fact that he lost his job as a reporter for The Providence Journal mere weeks after writing articles in which he described 9/11 as an inside job was, in itself, a smoking gun in Uncle Sams hand. On the evening of October 28, 2005, I handed in an article exposing Bush and Cheneys cover-up of the real 9/11 Commission report. Well, what a surprise that the very next morning I was fired from my job by my editor, a man I have reason to believe has connections to the FBI, the CIA and, yes, Dick Cheney, said Shaw, whose former employer cited repeated breaches of journalistic integrity and erratic behavior as the reason for Shaws dismissal. Fast-forward three years and my rent has shot up, my credit score has dropped, and Melissa is no longer taking my calls. You think that was all some kind of magical coincidence? Think again. Smoking cigarette after cigarette, Shaw then proceeded to show reporters a homemade videotape he shot of his ex-wife returning to his apartment to pick up her toaster, rewinding the tape over and over again to spot what he believed could be government surveillance devices concealed in her clothing. The facts speak for themselvesIm just connecting the dots, said Shaw, reiterating that only the sinister machinations of the U.S. government could make a formerly happy, stable human being totally fall to pieces. We must keep fighting for the truth, if not simply out of respect for justice, then at least out of respect for the innocent victim of this calculated crime. |
0 | Claiming that the evidence is in plain sight for those who want to see it, local man and passionate 9/11 Truth movement supporter Victor Sidwell, 32, told reporters Wednesday that he will not rest until everyone knows that he is a complete asshole. The zealous Truther, who for more than 10 years has reportedly labored to shed light on the fact that he is an obnoxious blowhard seemingly incapable of keeping his fucking mouth shut, vowed to continue lecturing acquaintances, confronting strangers, and handing out pamphlets on the street in an effort to convince as many people as possible that hes an absolute and utter prick. Ever since the so-called terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, Ive only had one goal in mind: making people realize that Im a piece of shit, said Sidwell while posting a lengthy list of inconsistencies in the 9/11 Commission Report on a friends Facebook timeline. If you take even a cursory look at the available information, it becomes glaringly obvious that Im an abrasive jackass who routinely drowns out anyone unfortunate enough to get locked into a discussion with me. The proof is right there, he continued. Im a repugnant, grating fuck, and I wont stop until every single person knows it. Sidwell has reportedly gone to great lengths to publicize his position as an insufferable loudmouth by diverting every one of his conversations toward the melting point of structural steel, repeatedly calling in to talk radio shows to express his controversial beliefs as to what really happened on Flight 93, and placing What Did Cheney Know? stickers in bathrooms of numerous local businesses. Speaking with reporters, the staunch proponent of the controlled demolition 9/11 conspiracy theory conceded that it is not always easy making those around him recognize that he is an unapologetic bastard who needs to shut the fuck up and get a life. Sidwell affirmed that, in spite of the challenges, he remains determined to give a wake-up call regarding his supreme dickishness to everyone he meets by forcibly engaging them in debates in office break rooms, personal residences, bars, internet message boards, and grocery store checkout lines. According to the Truther, most of the public remains trapped inside a bubble in which they ignorantly perceive him as a rational, well-adjusted member of society. However, he claimed he is making notable progress in convincing more and more of them of the cold, hard reality every time he loudly interrupts a friends conversation in order to voice his suspicions concerning the whereabouts of the hijacked airliners missing black boxes. Even though its clear that Im an irritating dipshit, it sometimes takes people a while before theyre willing to take off the blinders and come to their senses, said Sidwell, who on a regular basis forwards lengthy chain emails containing unsourced accounts of missiles striking the Pentagon to everyone in his address book. But when you look at the objective facts, a clear picture begins to emerge: I have a compulsive need to engage in arguments in order to assert my intellectual superiority. I am in love with the sound of my own voice. I am not a good person. The more I reach out to others, the more apparent all of that becomes, Sidwell added. Having spent years disrupting city council meetings and leaving inflammatory comments on every single YouTube video he watches regardless of its content, sources predicted that it would not be long before Sidwell succeeded in his longtime goal of proving to the world that he is indeed a first-class shitheel. In fact, numerous sources close to Sidwell acknowledged that he has already succeeded in alerting them to the accuracy of his endless, obsessive claims that he is a jerkoff, with many of these individuals telling reporters that they now wonder how they could have ever doubted him. For the longest time, I thought Victor was a levelheaded individual whom you could stand to be around without wanting to tear your hair out, but eventually he was able to snap me out of my stupor, said Sidwells cousin Emily Hardin, noting that she at last became convinced of the Truthers detestable nature in the middle of his 40-minute diatribe on the potentially doctored wreckage photos of 7 World Trade Center at their last family Thanksgiving. At first, I was skeptical that he was an asshole, but now I believe. His tendency to seek out confrontations, his inability to talk about anything except 9/11, his refusal to let anyone else get a word in edgewiseit all adds up. He opened my eyes to what should have been clear from the start, she added. |
0 | Saying that it was the only way to assuage concerns that occasionally arose in their minds, 93 percent of Americans admitted to checking behind their shower curtain from time to time to ensure no bad guys were hiding there, a study out of Ohio University confirmed this week. Our data indicate that an overwhelming majority of citizens will, at least once a week, count to three and then whip their shower curtain to the side to determine whether any malevolent figures are silently lurking in their bathtubs waiting for the perfect moment to strike, said the studys author, Samuel Kim, who noted that while subjects did not check behind the curtain every time they visited the lavatory, they were statistically far more likely to do so at night, when they were in their homes alone, or after watching a somewhat scary or unsettling movie or television show. We found, however, that techniques varied from person to person. While some crept up to the curtain gingerly and ripped it aside with no warning, others gruffly stated aloud, I know youre in here, or made a sharp grunting noise as they moved the curtain with their left hand while keeping the right balled up in a fist should they uncover a deranged criminal whom they would then need to subdue through physical force. Kim added that he would most assuredly be checking behind his own shower curtain this evening, but flatly stated he will not bend down to check underneath his bed as that is just inane and childish. |
0 | Explaining that He had been 'absolutely swamped,' God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy schedule to answer a portion of the 1995 and 1996 prayer backlog. 'Unfortunately, I don't really want a red wagon anymore,' 18-year-old Morgantown, WV resident Zach Gilpin said. Others expressed similar displeasure, including 30-year-old accountant Jack Demont, who said that former classmate and high school cheerleader Heidi Stillman's repeated phone calls to his house are 'destroying' his marriage. Other prayers that were answered include Christopher Reeve's 1996 wish to walk again, the Pittsburgh Steelers' prayer on the sidelines prior to playing the Dallas Cowboys in Super Bowl XXX, and former office manager Jeff Watenhofer's request for cheap leather chairs for PNC Bank's 53rd-floor office inside the World Trade Center. |
0 | A full 95 percent of the opinions held by Justin Wilmot, 26, were kept to himself Sunday during a Father's Day visit with his family. Wilmot holds his tongue while his sister and mother discuss their mutual excitement about Legally Blonde 2. 'No one in my family really gets my worldview, so I find it easier just to smile and nod and agree with everything,' Wilmot said Monday. 'When I'm with them, I tend to be a lot quieter than when I'm hanging out with friends.' Wilmot, who grew up in Kalamazoo and now lives in Chicago, described the visit as 'seven hours of self-censorship.' 'We're totally not on the same wavelength at all,' Wilmot said. 'I'm not just talking about dangerous subjects like politics or religion, but pretty much everything they bring upthe shows they watch, the things they buy, the people they know. So if someone says Daddy Day Care was hilarious, I may be thinking, 'I can't believe Eddie Murphy was once respected as a subversive comic genius,' but I sure as hell don't say it.' Among the subjects Wilmot declined to weigh in on during the weekend get-together: new Tropical Sprite, Survivor, the selfishness of childless couples, Iraq, golf, AM talk radio, and his brother-in-law's fantastic idea for a calling-card side business. Wilmot said he used to voice his opinions, but has long since given up. 'There was a time when my sister would mention how much she wants an SUV, and I'd be unable to resist launching into a whole thing about how irresponsible and wasteful they are. But after receiving my thousandth blank, confused stare from everybody at the table, I realized it was futile,' Wilmot said. 'Now, I don't even flinch when my dad mentions he's reading 'this amazing book called The Celestine Prophecy.' That's how bad it is.' In the course of Sunday's meal, Wilmot estimated that he heard 100 statements he could have strenuously contested. Instead, he responded with such neutral phrases as, 'Cool,' 'Uh-huh,' 'Wow,' 'I know,' 'Definitely,' and 'Oh, good.' 'My brother-in-law belongs to the NRA, which used to appall me,' Wilmot said. 'Well, it still appalls me, but now I'm appalled silently. Same goes for my mom's assertion that El Taco Loco is 'the best Mexican restaurant in town.' I don't even bother mentioning Arturo's, this little place over on Third Street that's the only authentic Mexican place in all of Kalamazoo. I'm sure she's never heard of it.' When he was young, Wilmot actually enjoyed engaging his family in debate, but now he would rather smile pleasantly as his brother's wife talks about the latest exciting arrival on the local shopping scene. 'Meredith said they're putting up a huge new Target Greatland right by their house,' Wilmot said. 'She says she's psyched because Target is way better than Wal-Mart. I just nodded and said, 'Yeah, totally.'' 'Once you let go of the need to express your thoughts to your family, you suddenly feel much lighter,' Wilmot said. 'You just float along blissfully, finally liberated from the burden of having any presence at all. It's sort of like getting to return to the womb. Which is way more enjoyable than trying to explain to a tableful of Celine Dion fans why you can't stand her.' |
0 | Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is 'worried sick' that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles. 'We came so close in 1955, 1960, 1976, 2001, and 2004. If we had won just one of those, that would have been 27 right there,' said Grippo, adding that while he was in attendance for Tommy Henrich's walk-off homer in 1949, Don Larson's perfect game in 1956, and Mickey Mantle's game-ending home run in 1964, none of it will matter if the Yankees don't win at least another 27 World Series championships. 'I'll say this, if we could take home 27 championships just one more time, my soul will rest easy.' Grippo said that, if nothing else, he hoped his six children and 21 grandchildren would get to see the Yankees win just 1,396 more World Series in their lifetimes. |
0 | Retired post office branch manager Nancy Hollander, 97, died at her home of natural causes Tuesday, after spending her life completely unaware that she was one of the most talented musicians of the past century and possessed the untapped ability to become a world-class violin virtuoso. She is survived by two daughters, a son, six grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren, all of whom will forever remain oblivious to the national treasure Hollander would have become had she just picked up a violin even once. 'We're really going to miss Momshe was such a gentle, sensitive, perceptive person,' said Hollander's son, David, unknowingly outlining qualities that would have infused his mother's interpretation of Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto with a singular, haunting beauty capable of moving the most jaded of souls. 'Even though she never drew attention to herself, Mom had such a strong, commanding presence.' 'I swear, she should have been an actress or something,' he added. Former colleagues at the U.S. Post Office branch where Hollander worked for 40 years also fondly remembered the unexploited musical genius who, had she ever taken in hand a freshly rosined bow, would have instead been fondly remembered by various musical luminaries and heads of state in a special three-hour tribute concert on PBS. What could have been Hollander's 70th birthday celebration, rather than dinner at a local seafood buffet. 'Nancy was the most gracious person I ever met,' said retired coworker Geraldine Hunter, 82, echoing nearly verbatim what Pope John Paul II would have said after inviting Hollander to play at the Vatican in 1989. 'She really lived every day to its fullest, and I don't think she could have been blessed with a better life.' Hunter also recalled Hollander's humility when being promoted to managerthe highlight of Hollander's professional life, as opposed to playing the Franck Sonata at Carnegie Hall accompanied by world-renowned pianist Vladimir Ashkenazy as Itzhak Perlman wept openly with sheer joy from the front row. According to sources, Hollander was very active in her church. Pastor Frank Davis said that she took the most joy in singing with the choir during holiday masses, an experience she would have found a hellish, atonal cacophony had she completed the highest level of ear-training at The Juilliard School, where she could have received a full scholarship based entirely on the strength of her student audition. 'To be honest, she didn't have the best singing voice in the world,' Davis said. 'But she really put her heart and soul into it, and she had an uncanny ability to sing any hymn all the way through perfectly after hearing it just once.' Davis also praised the potato salad Hollander brought to church picnics, heartbreakingly referring to it as 'world famous.' Perhaps most distraught by Hollander's passing were her great-grandchildren, who seemed to have some dim perception of being robbedalong with the rest of the worldof their great-grandmother's tour de force performances in rapt concert halls from Vienna to Tokyo. 'Grammy was really funny, like when she would play silly songs on the ukulele to make us laugh,' said Lilly, 6, referring to the instrument purchased for Hollander on her seventh birthday in 1920, her father having paused momentarily in the music store to consider a violin. 'I miss her a lot.' 'When I grow up, I want to play the ukulele just like Grammy,' Lilly added. |
0 | SAN FRANCISCOSpokespersons for the National Gay & Lesbian Recruitment Task Force announced Monday that more than 288,000 straights have been converted to homosexuality since Jan. 1, 1998, putting the group well on pace to reach its goal of 350,000 conversions by the end of the year. # Converted To Homosexuality 'Thanks to the tireless efforts of our missionaries nationwide, in the first seven months of 1998, nearly 300,000 heterosexuals were ensnared in the Pink Triangle,' said NGLRTF co-director Patricia Emmonds. 'Clearly, the activist homosexual lobby is winning.' Emmonds credited much of the recruiting success to the gay lobby's infiltration of America's public schools, where programs promoting the homosexual lifestyle are regularly presented to children as young as 5. Lansing, MI, fifth-grade teacher Margaret Gerhardt. Gerhardt's is one of countless elementary-school classes across the U.S. in which the homosexual agenda and lifestyle are actively promoted. 'It's crucial that we reach these kids while they're still young,' Emmonds said. 'That's when they're most vulnerable to our message of sexual promiscuity and deviance.' 'When I grow up, I want to be gay,' said Christopher Linn, 8, a second-grader at Philadelphia's Lakeside Elementary School, one of thousands of public schools nationwide that actively promote the homosexual agenda. 'I don't want to have a family or go to church.' 'Straight people don't have any fun,' said Teddy Nance, 11, after watching Breeders Are Boring!, an anti-heterosexual filmstrip, in his fifth-grade class at Crestwood Elementary School in Roanoke, VA. 'Gay people get to do whatever they want.' In addition to school programs that target youths, the NGLRTF launched a $630 million advertising campaign this year in an effort to convert adults to homosexuality. The campaign, which features TV and radio spots, as well as print advertising in major national magazines, has helped convince thousands of people to leave their spouses and families for a life of self-gratification and irresponsibility. 'The gay lifestyle is for me,' said James Miller, an Oklahoma City father of four who recently moved to Provincetown, MA, to pursue a career in bath-house management. 'When I was a family man, I constantly had to worry about things like taking the kids to Little League practice, paying for their braces, and remembering my wife's birthday. But now that I'm gay, I'm finally free to focus all my energy on having non-stop, mind-blowing anal sex.' Though Emmonds said gays have been tremendously successful in tearing at the fabric of society and subverting basic decency, she stressed that their work is far from over. 'For all the progress we've made, America is still overwhelmingly heterosexual,' said Emmonds, who is calling for an additional $2.6 billion in federal aid to further the gay agenda. 'If we are to insidiously penetrate American society, as we constantly do each other's orifices, we need more money and resources. Without such help, this country will remain the domain of decent, moral, God-fearing Christians. And that would be a sin.' |
0 | A new study published in The Journal Of Pediatric Medicine found that a shocking 98 percent of all infants suffer from bipolar disorder. 'The majority of our subjects, regardless of size, sex, or race, exhibited extreme mood swings, often crying one minute and then giggling playfully the next,' the study's author Dr. Steven Gregory told reporters. 'Additionally we found that most babies had trouble concentrating during the day, often struggled to sleep at night, and could not be counted on to take care of themselvesall classic symptoms of manic depression.' Gregory added that nearly 100 percent of infants appear to suffer from the poor motor skills and impaired speech associated with Parkinson's disease. |
0 | Pile the kids in the car and pretend games like I Spy and the promise of a McDonald's breakfast will keep everyone from realizing you may or may not have a place to sleep once you get to Memphis. |
0 | Why do our elections always have to be like this in America? I am so sick of the media being run by a bunch of boys. I don't know what their problem is with WOMEN who run for executive office, but they're such assholes! All Sarah Palin ever wanted to do was become the second most powerful person in the world without having sweaty pictures of her on her campaign posters and her boyfriend messing around with other girls or whatever, but noooo, not in this country. As I've learned, the most important thing for Sarah Palin to remember right now is that she's cute and popular. Trust me, that will get you through any trouble, especially a PIECE OF SHIT BOYFRIEND LIKE DEREK TELERICO. Next time, after I'm done with my Media Arts project, I'll be giving a little bit of an inside look at what it's like to be Barack Obama running for president in this racist nation! |
0 | Following an update Friday on the status of the chain's 238 pizzerias throughout the Midwest region, witnesses said Sbarro CEO James Greco disgustedly sighed, shook his head, and said, 'A cashier at our Davenport location did what?' 'You've got to be kidding me,' continued a visibly deflated Greco, asking who was responsible for hiring the employee in question, whether the cashier had been told that what he did was absolutely unacceptable, and whether any customers saw. 'Jesus. Okay, well, did they clean it up? And what about the smell? Is it gone?' After reportedly asking his colleagues what excuse the cashier could have possibly given for doing what he did, Greco stopped his associates before they could answer and said, 'You know what? I don't even want to know.' |
0 | While regaling guests at a house party Saturday, 31-year-old Phil Carver acknowledged that a classic Jason had somehow found its way into his usual repertoire of personal anecdotes. 'I was halfway through the story when I realized, 'Hey, what am I saying? This is definitely a Jason I'm telling right now,'' said Carver, who was 'baffled' as to how he had missed the telltale marks of a classic Jason and mistaken it for his own. 'I felt especially bad because it was the road-trip-through-Tennessee-back-in- college Jason, which is a signature Jason through and through.' After Carver went home, several partygoers were overheard remarking that the embarrassing faux pas was vintage Phil. |
0 | Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards. This morning the White House released these bios of the women Biden calls 'Joes Guardian Vixens.' AZURA MOON, Martial Arts Master The youngest daughter of a royal family in Malaysia, Azura Moon should have been raised as a princess. However, Azura's natural inclination for adventure led her to frequently sneak out of her family's palace at night to wander the streets of Kuala Lumpur's dangerous slums. After falling in with a gang of thieves and pulling off several daring heists, Azura was eventually arrested after being sold out to the authorities by the gang's leader, with whom she was in love. Azura's powerful father used his clout to save her from being imprisoned in a brutal work camp, instead opting to send her to a secluded monastery in the mountains where she could learn discipline. There she trained under Haji Musa bin Osman, a legendary martial arts expert rumored to be nearly 200 years old. After competing in and winning numerous martial arts tournaments the last of which was a battle to the death against her traitorous former lover she was summoned to America by Vice President Joe Biden. HERA RODRIGUEZ, Champion Lightweight Boxer Boxing has been a part of Hera Rodriguez's life literally since birth: Her mother delivered her ringside in her family's small boxing gym in Buesaco, Colombia. As soon as she could walk Hera began sparring, devoting every moment she was not in school to becoming a champion lightweight boxer. But when she was 15, Hera's life took a sudden left turn: The deadly Tulio drug cartel moved into her neighborhood and began shaking down shopowners for protection money. After Hera's father refused to be bullied, the cartel burned Hera's beloved family boxing gym to the ground. Enraged, Hera used her boxing skills to cut a swath of destruction through the cartel's ranks, eventually liberating her neighborhood from its stranglehold. On the night of the grand opening of her family's newly rebuilt boxing gym, a mysterious government agent from the U.S. arrived at Hera's doorstep, asking her to accept a new challenge: protecting Vice President Joe Biden. VIVICA CLAY, Sharpshooter, Demolitions Expert Born in St. Petersburg, Vivica's parents were murdered in front of her by the Russian Mafia when she was only 11 years old. Vowing revenge, she sought out a mysterious ex-KGB operative known only as Valentin who taught her the ways of the assassin. After years in training, Vivica turned her deadly skills on the gangsters who killed her family, taking them down one by one before finally confronting and slaying the Mafia kingpin in a rooftop sword fight. Her parents' deaths finally avenged, Vivica moved to the U.S. to begin working for Vice President Joe Biden. |
0 | You think youll ever find another house out there that has 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, a one-car garage, and a crawl space? Good luck to you, buddy. Reference #47229301 |
0 | Rollover the map pins below to trace Congress' treacherous journey for the Sword of Partisanship. |
0 | After an embarrassing post-game interview in which Alex Rodriguez committed three sloppy grammatical errors in a single sentence, the Yankee third-baseman moved into the team lead with 57 on the season. 'I'm feeling really well out there, and I thought I had proved myself after yesterday's game, but I just can't seem to remember that prepositions are not a good thing to end a sentence with,' said Rodriguez, who has been working with Yankees sentence-construction coach Lee Mazzilli on his fielding of questions. 'But irregardless of what my critics say, this inflammable problem will be fixed by me.' Rodriguez was also quick to note that he would likely only be third on the team in both grammatical errors and double-negatives if Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield had been healthy and talking all season. |
0 | While warming up on the Yankee Stadium sidelines before Tuesday's game, Alex Rodriguez paused, looked up at the clear blue sky and the thousands of cheering fans in attendance, turned to Derek Jeter, and invoked a classic line from the 1989 film Field Of Dreams. 'Hey, Derek?' Rodriguez said, inhaling deeply to convey a sense of wonderment and gesturing woodenly to the thick, green grass below his feet. 'Is this heaven?' According to witnesses, Jeter chuckled mildly and then muttered 'Fucking loser' under his breath. |
0 | Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, a feat he hopes to reminisce about one day with his countless estranged grandchildren. 'I can see it now: I'll visit my grandkids every year and a half or so, remind them that I am actually their grandfather, and if it's not too awkward, I'll sit them on my lap,' Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he'll probably have grandchildren he barely knows scattered throughout the country. 'Then I'll tell them about how I once knocked an 0-2 Brian Fuentes pitch over the right-field wall during the ALCS.' Added Rodriguez, 'While I'm doing this I'll make sure my 23-year-old girlfriend waits in the car.' Rodriguez, whose wife divorced him after he spent months philandering with both Madonna and numerous unidentified strippers, also tied Games 2 and 3 of the ALDS with clutch home runshome runs he'd like to recount to future neglected offspring too numerous to name. 'My daughter Ella is a year old now, and I'm happy to say that she is shaping up to be a complete nonentity in my life,' Rodriguez said. 'But I'm certain her children will love ol' Grandpa A-Rod coming around to wherever they happen to live, and showing them the baseball he hit off of Joe Nathan. Maybe I'll throw in a dragon or wizard to make the story a little more interesting, because the kids might not want to pay attention to someone who is basically just an old stranger who makes their mother cry.' 'Man, it's going to be great being an absent grandfather someday,' Rodriguez added. In addition to the grandchildren from previous relationships he intends to ignore, Rodriguez said he wouldn't be surprised if he and actress Kate Hudson had a beautiful failed marriage that resulted in up to 12 more unwanted grandchildren with whom he could share his postseason heroics. Rodriguez also beamed when talking about the prospect of having an estranged grandson, saying that he constantly thinks about what it would be like to awkwardly play catch with him and teach him how to hold a bat, even though it would be uncomfortable to touch him. He told reporters he would love taking the boy to a baseball game someday and talking to him about his three-hit performance in Game 4 of the ALCS, with the two of them sitting and silently wondering if they will have to keep up the facade of a functional family through the entire nine-inning contest. 'As their indifferent grandfather, I would feel an obligation to be part of their lives in the most insignificant way possible,' Rodriguez said. 'I'll tell them how Grandpa, Pop-Pop, or whatever it is kids call their grandfather, felt when he hit that bomb off of Carl Pavano in the division series. At least I assume they'll want to know that. I guess they might have other interests, but I'm not really going to take the time to get to know who they are. For the short amount of time I plan on spending with them it wouldn't be worth it.' According to his teammates, Rodriguez is a family man at heartsomeone who glows when he talks about never seeing his immediate children, and a man who smiles from ear to ear at the possibility of one day spoiling his grandkids with court-ordered child support payments. 'He walks around the clubhouse saying that when he's old and gray he wants to complicate his grandchildren's lives by popping in unannounced and telling them about his MVP awards and 500th home run,' teammate Mark Teixeira said. 'He's going to be an awesome deadbeat grandpa. I mean, he already has the shitty-dad thing down.' Despite Rodriguez's success in the postseason thus far, the third baseman says he remains focused on winning a World Series, and told reporters that the more comfortable he gets on the field, the more opportunities he will have to create future stories to tell the grandchildren he will barely know. 'I can think of nothing more valuable than passing down to my own flesh and blood the tale of how their grandfather finally became a true Yankee in the 2009 postseason.' Rodriguez said. 'Because everyone else I try to tell that to walks away from me. Luckily kids are still stupid enough to listen to my bullshit.' |
0 | On a recent visit to a local mall with his wife and children, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez entered a sports memorabilia store and flipped through a copy of Beckett Baseball Card Monthly to see if his recent trip to the disabled list had any effect on the price of his rookie card. 'I mean, it's not career-ending, but it could spell a tragically early end to a great career, right?' muttered Rodriguez as he ran his finger across the pages, cross-referencing his name against various baseball card manufacturers. 'Topps is up, but that's just a typical monthly increase. Upper Deck's got a high book of $40? Now that's just insulting. And FleerFleer didn't even move at all? Goddamn Fleer.' While at the store, Rodriguez purchased an autographed photo of himself hitting his 500th homerun and a novelty street sign reading Alex Rodriguez Way. |
0 | Baseball legend and mythical figure A-Rod, the New York Yankee third baseman and three-time American League Most Valuable Player, was declared dead Saturday after it was reported, and later confirmed, that the former Seattle Mariner and Texas Rangers All-Star tested positive for two anabolic steroids during the 2003 baseball season. A-Rod was 33. 'A-Rod was a person, but a much better baseball player,' a statement from the New York Yankees' front office read in part. 'We only hope that members of the press will respect our wishes for privacy during this very difficult period. We can assure you that the Yankee organization is going to be haunted by A-Rod's passing for a very, very long time, or at least until his contract expires in 2017.' 'Though A-Rod has been taken from us, his impact on this team has been greater in the past few days than it has ever been before,' the statement continued. 'It feels like he's not even gone.' Born in Texas in late 2000 after signing a 10-year, $252 million contract with the Rangers that made him the highest paid baseball player in league history, the idea of A-Rod quickly became one of baseball's most divisive images, thrilling fans with his amazing play while infuriated them with his,artificial persona. The loss of A-Rod comes as a shock to those in the sporting community and to baseball fans across the nation, many of whom had hoped that A-Rodthe youngest player to ever hit 500 home runs and arguably the greatest all-around baseball player of his generationwould surpass Barry Bonds' career total of 762 home runs without resorting to the use of performance enhancing drugs, thereby restoring credibility and dignity to sports' most cherished record. A-Rod's untimely endcoming as it did in the prime of his career, just as it seemed he was poised to usher in a brand-new era of baseball on the strength of his God-given physical talents alonehas forever destroyed that hope. As of press time, the Yankees, in conjunction with Major League Baseball, are not planning any type of formal tribute to honor their fallen star's memory. In addition, when asked if the jersey belonging to the 10-time Silver Slugger Award winner, multiple Gold Glove Award recipient, and 12-time American League All-Star would be retired in Yankee Stadium, or even if his bust would one day be enshrined in baseball's Hall of Fame, no comment was forthcoming from either the Yankees or Hall of Fame voters. 'I talked to [A-Rod] the day before he went to his reward, and he sounded completely fine,' New York Yankee manager Joe Girardi said. 'He said he was working out and looking forward to the start of the new season. And then I heard the news on Saturday, and I was just floored. Now that A-Rod is no longer with us, it's like this season doesn't even matter.' 'I'm sure he's in a better place,' Girardi continued. 'Then again, probably not.' While there is no evidence to suggest foul play, some in the baseball community have speculated that A-Rod actually succumbed to self-inflicted injuries. Immediately after the tragedy was announced, former baseball player and fellow 40/40 club member Jose Canseco told reporters that he saw A-Rod's demise coming a mile away. 'There is no doubt in my mind that he did this to himself,' Canseco said. 'All the warning signs were there: the surprising power from a shortstop, the spike in home runs, the mood swings where he acted like a complete idiot. The guy has been knocking on death's door since 2003, and everyone wanted to pretend like it wasn't true. I'm not going to get into it too much here because the rest will be in my book coming out next month.' Added Canseco: 'Trust me, Albert Pujols will be dead inside a year.' Even former Yankee teammate Derek Jeter agreed with Canseco, saying that while he sends his condolences to A-Rod's family and friends'if he even has any of those'he had known that A-Rod was a time bomb waiting to go off. 'Unfortunately, I didn't do anything, because, well, I know it's not proper to speak ill of the dead, but now that he's gone I can say this for the record: I didn't really like the guy,' Jeter said. 'I never liked him. He was a jerk, a fake. The only thing he had going for him was his unlimited potential and tremendous on-field ability, but now that he's been taken from us that really doesn't mean anything.' Even A-Rod's final words, spoken on the eve of his death'You'll have to talk to the Union.... I'm not saying anything'were characteristic of his inability to be genuinely human. A-Rod is survived by 33-year-old Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez, a divorced father of two who is currently in therapy and who, despite being in extremely good physical condition and possessing the ability to hit 500-foot home runs, has no future in baseball whatsoever. |
0 | Ten years after signing a record $252 million contract to play baseball in Texas, third baseman Alex Rodriguez finally delivered for the Rangers by leading the franchise to its first-ever World Series. 'A-Rod came up big for us this entire series, all the way up until the last out,' Rangers manager Ron Washington told reporters during a postgame press conference, saying that the Rangers would have had no chance of beating the New York Yankees without Rodriguez's remarkable performance at the plate. 'It was a long time coming, but you have to give the guy credit. He was the Rangers' MVP, no question.' Washington added that seeing Rodriguez take Texas to the World Series was one thing, but A-Rod almost single-handedly beating the Yankees was 'extra sweet.' |
0 | Alex Rodriguez announced yesterday that his 2007 Topps Major League Baseball Series 2 baseball-card photo would serve as a statement of the man and player he has become while also remembering the man and player he used to be. 'The photo captures me at third base in an athletic position, suggesting that I am extremely focused and ready for anything, as I am in all aspects of my life,' Rodriguez said, adding that the angle of the photo, which allows those viewing the card to see fans cheering in the background, is no coincidence. 'The photo also suggests, with a hint of Derek Jeter's left foot in the top-left corner of the frame, that my days at shortstop are behind me, although I am of course a team player who is willing to sacrifice himself and put his body on the line every night.' Representatives at Topps said Rodriguez was 'extremely difficult' to work with, as opposed to rookie Yankee left-fielder Melky Cabrera, who was just happy to be on a baseball card. |
0 | Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. 'It just really sucks here,' said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become 'fucking outrageous.' 'I hate all of itthe dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third baseall of it. For the love of Christ, get me the fuck out of this shithole.' Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly. |
0 | Following Raul Ibanezs walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguezwho was replaced by Ibanez in the bottom of the ninth inningreportedly congratulated his teammate and wished him an untimely death. I dont think there was anyone in the ballpark more excited for Raul than me, and Id like him to die slowly in some extremely painful way, preferably while his entire family watches, a smiling Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he is proud to be Ibanezs teammate and that hed really like him to die in the next 24 hours. Maybe something where he is strangled to death or stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach and face. I think it would also be nice if he was forced to walk out onto a frozen pond at gunpoint, and then he just fell through the cracked ice and drowned. Something like that. Im so happy for Raul. At press time, Raul Ibanez had not been seen by anyone in the past 12 hours. |
0 | Saying the comparisons are unbelievably flattering, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez told reporters Friday that he is extremely humbled to currently be mentioned in the same breath as all-time baseball greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco. When you talk about the likes of Bonds, McGwire, and Canseco, youre talking about some of the best hitters who ever played the game, and to be in the same company as those players is pretty incredible, said Rodriguez, adding that its a true honor to also be likened to other sports icons such as cyclist Lance Armstrong and Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson. Ive seen some people put me up there with [Sammy] Sosa and Manny [Ramirez], and I really dont know what to say. These guys are baseball legendsheroes, reallyand hearing my name said alongside theirs is pretty overwhelming. Rodriguez later admitted to sources that he doesnt understand the comparisons between himself and Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun, claiming that hes a totally different player. |
0 | One week after the revelation that Alex Rodriguez had tested positive for steroids in 2003 and days after Rodriguez confirmed the allegations by admitting to using banned substances, the Yankee slugger was hopeful that the issue would pass without too much of a fuss. 'Sure, I've gotten blasted for my failure in the clutch, and people on the street still taunt me for slapping the ball out of that guy's hand, but maybe they'll let me go on the whole taking-steroids-for-years thing,' the embattled third baseman said from his Florida home. 'You never know. Steroids stuff happens all the time, plus I haven't upstaged a World Series in months and I've kept my continued extramarital affair with [international pop star] Madonna on the back burner, so I think I've earned a break. Yeah, this will all blow over in a day or two.' Rodriguez then turned off his television, threw all his newspapers in the garbage without looking at them, and retreated to his unlit and silent basement. |
0 | A visibly distressed Alex Rodriguez announced Tuesday that controversial baseball figure Pete Rose has sent him dozens of scandalous text messages containing sexual innuendo, salacious encouragement, and obscene batting pointers. The Yankees third baseman, who has been texting with MLB's all-time hits leader for two years, said the messages included such remarks as 'Nice stroke Big Rod, feels good,' 'You're so hot, keep it up for me,' 'Way to connect,' and 'Find a hole and just grind it. Grind it. Grind it. Harder.' 'I guess it helped my hitting, at least at first,' Rodriguez said. 'But eventually I realized what was happening... I can't believe Pete Rose would betray my trust like that.' According to Rodriguez, the latest text message from Rose read 'I wish I had you when I was managing the Redshad you inside me.' |
0 | After noticing a slight, recurring mechanical flaw in its swing that has caused its season average to dip to .275, Yankee officials sent A-ROD-13, an expensive yet still completely unreliable batting unit, back to its original manufacturer for recalibration and a general tune-up. 'The problem is stemming from the inconsistent firing of cylinders in A-ROD's hydraulic system, causing his pressure-relief valve to start responding to every late-game algorithm by popping out to first base,' said Yankees assistant engineer Lee Mazzilli, who is responsible for oiling A-ROD's hinges and tightening his shoulder screws between innings. 'Also, his fielding-equilibrium mechanism totally blew out a month ago, and we still haven't replaced it. But A-ROD should be back and as good as new in four to six weeks.' Yankee officials, however, have thus far experienced no problems with A-ROD's factory-installed voicebox, which has only repeated the same five stock phrases it was specifically programmed to say. |
0 | A week into his rehabilitation stint with the minor league Tampa Yankees, third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly impressed his new teammates Wednesday by sharing valuable tips about proper technique for putting each other down. To alienate players at a major league level, you have to be active and aggressive about creating hostility toward them with a wide variety of disparaging remarks, Rodriguez said to the dugout full of wide-eyed minor leaguers eagerly absorbing every word of his advice. Stay focused on escalating pointless, petty squabbles as much as you can, and pretty soon youll see yourself getting involved in longer, more vicious disputes. The most important thing is that, deep down, youre a bitter and hateful person. Thats something you cant coach. Tampa catcher Tyson Blaser confirmed that after practice, Rodriguez offered to take everyone except pitcher Rafael De Paula out to dinner and explain some subtle tactics for starting feuds. |
0 | Following an interview with YES Network analyst Kimberly Jones, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez immediately began inquring as to the quality of his answers. 'Was that good? Do you think people will like that?' asked Rodriguez to a nonchalant Jones, who attempted to explain that people 'don't really care about these things.' 'Maybe we should do it again, and this time I can smile moreor lesswhatever you think would be better. And maybe I should unbutton my top button to look more relaxed, you know, like, cool. And I forgot to tell Yankee fans how much I love them. Can we get that in? I'm such an idiot.' YES executives insisted he did fine and that they didn't need any more footage, but Rodriguez insisted that the crew accompany him to Yankee Stadium, where he had a production assistant pitch to him until he hit a homerun. |
0 | Following recent reports linking him to a Miami-based clinic supplying performance-enhancing drugs, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly warned accusers Tuesday that if they testified against him in court, it would come down to their worthless word against his. Your reputation versus my reputation, bud. Good fucking luck, the 37-year-old veteran was overheard whispering to a source cited in a New York Times article alleging that Rodriguez doped. Face it: No ones even going to listen to you. Put yourself in the jurys shoes. Who are you gonna believe? A couple of punk doctors or me, Alex Rodriguez? Gotta say, I dont like your chances. Rodriguez then reportedly gave the man a menacing look and said that if all else failed, he had an entire city of loyal fans willing to do anything for him. |
0 | Were this an ordinary Tuesday night, Wendy Vance would return home from her receptionist job at a Springfield chiropractor's office and spend the evening engaged in any number of empty, meaningless diversions: watching old, taped episodes of Friends, browsing the new issue of Cosmopolitan, or driving to Center Square Mall to browse for shoes. Tonight, however, the 29-year-old is unable to bring herself to turn on the TV or even half-heartedly flip through the new Pottery Barn catalog. Instead, she has decided to visit her grandmother in nearby Mountain Grove. 'If none of this had happened, right now I'd probably be watching that stupid Journey VH1 Behind The Music episode for the 40,000th time. Or talking to my friend Kerri about the Gap skirt I want,' said Vance, holding her grandmother's frail, time-worn hand. 'Now, all I can think about is how precious life is, and how important it is to spend quality time with the people who matter to you, because everything could change in an instant.' Added Vance: 'I just want my regular life back.' Vance is not alone. Shaken by the tragic events of Sept. 11, people across the nation have abandoned such inconsequential concerns as the Gary Condit scandal and Britney Spears' skimpy outfit at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. No longer are they talking about shark attacks or what's-his-name, that Little Leaguer who was too old to play. Instead, they're focusing on the truly important things in life: friends, family, and being good to one another. How long can it go on like this? Three weeks after the horrific attacks that claimed more than 6,000 lives, many Americans are wondering when their priorities will finally be in the wrong place again. Some are wondering if their priorities will ever be in the wrong place again. 'In the aftermath of this horrible tragedy, people find themselves cruelly preoccupied with the happiness and well-being of their loved ones, unconcerned with such stupid bullshit as the new Anne Heche biography or Michael Jackson's dramatic comeback bid,' said Dr. Meredith Laufenberg, a psychologist and family therapist at UCLA Medical Center. 'Who knows how long it will be before things are back to normal?' Reading a book to his 7-year-old nephew, Adrian Mauer of Chicago echoed Vance's longing for banality. 'I don't even know what happened at the Daytime Emmys, much less the Latin Grammys,' Mauer said. 'How could these monsters do this to us? Is nothing sacred? It makes me want to enlist in the Marines and slash bin Laden's fucking throat from ear to ear.' According to Laufenberg, Mauer's anger is a natural response to the current situation. 'Across America, there is a profound sense of grief for the victims of this tragedy,' Laufenberg said. 'But there is also a profound desire to inflict great pain upon its perpetrators, to make them pay for taking away our ability to get way, way too into the McDonald's Monopoly game.' Even as America's television networks slowly return to regular programming, the vital issues of our pre-Sept. 11 lives are relegated to the background. Jennifer Lopez, about whom the nation gave a shit in happier times. 'If Access Hollywood would just go back to blathering about Julia Roberts' surprise platinum-blonde makeover and Brad Pitt's new dog and a bunch of other crap that doesn't matter in the least, I'd know everything is right with my world,' said Shelley Orr, a Stockton, CA, data-entry clerk. 'Oh, my God, what's going on with the whole car-phone controversy? Are they going to ban them? I haven't even thought about it in weeks.' Laufenberg and other therapists are seeing countless cases of Sudden-Reality Shock Syndrome (SRSS), a disorder affecting those suddenly and violently re-grounded in the real world. Crisis and grief-counseling centers across the nation are offering therapy groups for those who need to discuss their newfound inability to care about mass-market crapola. According to Iris Huffman, emergency-services director at the New York Psychoanalytic Institute, the key to enjoying vapidity again is to extract oneself from the hard realities of the world very slowly. 'The instinct is to immediately throw yourself back into your regular daily routine, but this isn't always best,' Huffman said. 'Allow yourself time for a gradual return to the petty, shallow, meaningless little life you led before this horrible tragedy. I'm telling my patients: Don't go see Zoolander until you know you're actually ready.' According to Georgetown University history professor Timothy Schuitt, our interest in stupid bullshit is what makes America great. 'The United States is a free country, a strong country, a prosperous country,' Schuitt said. 'Many veterans gave their lives so we would have the right to focus our attention and energies on the DVD release of Joe Dirt, the latest web-browsing cell phones, and how-low-can-you-go hip-hugging jeans. It is a sign of our collective strength as a nation that we genuinely give a shit about the latest developments in the Cruise-Cruz romance. When Mariah Carey's latest breakdown is once again treated as front-page news, that is the day the healing will have truly begun.' While Schuitt says he is optimistic that Americans will one day obsess over stupid bullshit like they used to, others are not so confident. 'This is a life-changing, society-altering catastrophe of the first magnitude, on par with a Pearl Harbor or Great Depression,' said noted historian and author David Halberstam. 'The sad truth is, this country may never go back to caring about pointless, inane trifles as we once did.' Where have you gone, J. Lo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. |
0 | Why cant I just camp out in the backyard? Come on, its warm enough! Jared could stay over and we wont be too loud. The neighbors wont care! Come on! Why not?! |
0 | There is way too much house here. You probably couldnt even handle it. I wont even mention the three bedrooms because it would blow your mind. Reference #50296367 |
0 | American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. 'It was wonderful,' Klugh said. 'Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first.' Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik with directions to a local hospital. |
0 | Saying that he has always tried to balance his workload between projects that appeal to him as an actor and those with broader commercial appeal, film star Aaron Eckhart told Hollywood reporters today that he likes to alternate between making big-budget Frankenstein movies for the broader public, and making more intimate, personal Frankenstein movies for himself. If you want to stay in this business for the long haul its always going to be a balancing act, but luckily Ive found a formula that works for me: I do one major studio Frankenstein movie, and then another subtler, more raw Frankenstein picture for the festival circuit, said the 45-year old celebrity, explaining that taking the leading roles in heavily marketed Frankenstein blockbusters afforded him the freedom to really focus on [his] craft and get lost in smaller, often foreign independent Frankenstein films. At this point in my career, would I prefer to focus solely on the more nuanced Frankenstein projects that are really meaningful to me? Sure, of course. But I cant complain. As long as I get to tell the deeper, layered Frankenstein stories I want to tell on the screen or stage, Im happy to sign on for a flashy Frankenstein popcorn flick for the masses. It works out well. Eckhart added that he rarely gets to make a passion project that also happens to be a big-budget studio film with four-quadrant appeal like I, Frankenstein, but when it happens, its the best feeling in the world. |
0 | While testifying during the murder trial of fianc and former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, Shayanna Jenkins told prosecutors Monday that she had absolutely no idea what incriminating evidence was in the box he asked her to throw out. I didnt look inside, so I have no way of knowing if there was a gun in there, or a pile of bloody towels, said Jenkins, adding that the box weighed roughly 40 pounds and therefore, for all she knew, could also have contained some shell casings removed from the scene of the crime. Something in there rattled around a bit, but it might have just been a roll of duct tape or a knife with his fingerprints on it. All I know is that it definitely wasnt the shoes Aaron wore that night, because I got rid of those a couple of hours before that. When asked to be more specific with her answers, a visibly emotional Jenkins told the prosecution that it was difficult for her to recall the exact events defense attorneys told her happened that night. |
0 | STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in NFL; uses mobility and quick feet to escape shadow of Brett Favre WEAKNESSES: Your knees, when you stare directly into his piercing eyes; for unknown reasons, many of his pass attempts are met with hostility by certain other football players who attempt to obstruct the ball or even physically assault Rodgers himself; can make all the throws, but struggles with the incomplete pass PERSONAL MOTTO: Work hard, be born with incredible talent, never give up, also be born with charming good looks, be a good teammate, have several million dollars, and good things will happen to you FAVORITE PLAY: The one where you don't hear a loud pop and then black out for 30 seconds CONCUSSIONS SUFFERED: Waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice; Lake Superior; sort of a shiny purple NEXT: Donald Driver |
0 | STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in NFL; uses mobility and quick feet to escape shadow of Brett Favre WEAKNESSES: Your knees, when you stare directly into his piercing eyes; for unknown reasons, many of his pass attempts are met with hostility by certain other football players who attempt to obstruct the ball or even physically assault Rodgers himself; can make all the throws, but struggles with the incomplete pass PERSONAL MOTTO: Work hard, be born with incredible talent, never give up, also be born with charming good looks, be a good teammate, have several million dollars, and good things will happen to you FAVORITE PLAY: The one where you don't hear a loud pop and then black out for 30 seconds CONCUSSIONS SUFFERED: Waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice; Lake Superior; sort of a shiny purple NEXT: Donald Driver |
0 | NFL experts said Friday that Aaron Rodgers, who since winning the Super Bowl has been likened to his predecessor Brett Favre and 49ers great Steve Young, will spend the rest of the offseason being compared to everything from other football players to inanimate objects and abstract concepts. 'His accuracy reminds some of Peyton Manning, his easygoing masculinity is reminiscent of Steve McQueen, and his reliability and durability make you think of the Honda Civic family sedan,' Peter King wrote in the Feb. 14 issue of Sports Illustrated, which also featured articles comparing Rodgers to Derek Jeter, Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater mansion, the blue-eyed soul music of the 1960s, Barbaro, and Microsoft. 'Of course, it's too early in his career to compare him to Jordan in terms of either the basketball player or the Middle Eastern nation.' Rodgers has not commented on any of the early comparisons, although he consented to an interview for an upcoming ESPN piece that will compare him to Super Bowlwinning Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. |
0 | On day two of the 2008 San Diego SorCon, the biggest Aaron Sorkin convention in the world, screenwriter and producer Aaron Sorkin revealed plans for his next project, an animated continuation of his most popular franchise, The West Wing. 'I'm excited to bring my Emmy Awardwinning writing to the field of animation,' Sorkin said in a speech before approximately 30,000 screaming fans, many of whom were dressed up in the business-suit costumes of their favorite Sorkin characters. 'The costs of live-action production restricted me to a set only slightly larger than the actual White House and an ensemble cast of under 15 actors. But animation technology will enable us to provide fans with extended 40-minute walk-and-talks, digitally compressed dialogue for faster delivery, and a cast of over 70 main characters. My vision will finally be presented in its truest, most uncompromised form.' The new project, which was rumored in the Aaron Sorkin press in the days running up to SorCon but unconfirmed until yesterday's announcement, marks Sorkin's first television project since 2006's Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, which was canceled after only one season. The new show, tentatively titled The West Wing: The Santos Administration, is the first foray into animated entertainment for the acclaimed Sorkin, who is considered by many to be the most important writer-producer of political and entertainment-industry workplace-comedy-dramas working today. 'When Aaron hit the stage and announced The West Wing animated series, the crowd went wild,' said self-described 'Sorkin nut' Karla Waples, 33, who has attended SorCon every year since its inception a decade ago. 'It was such an adrenaline rush to see him make TV history yet again. This is why people drive all the way across the country to be here.' Held annually at the San Diego Convention Center, SorCon has grown from a small convention in 1998, when Sorkin screened his television series Sports Night for friends and family, into a major Sorkin-industry event attended by tens of thousands of upper-middle-class whites and political-science geeksor 'Sorkies,' as they prefer to be called. The convention features hundreds of vendors from both the Sorkin fan underground and the Hollywood studios. Would-be buyers can find everything from a limited-edition replica of the Paul Reverecrafted cutlery set owned by The West Wing's President Bartlet to a T-shirt commemorating Muhammad Ali's selection as 'Athlete of the Century' in the second season of Sports Night. A set of cocktail napkinsidentical to the ones on which Sorkin wrote A Few Good Men when he was a struggling playwrightfetched more than $15,000 at auction. The event also featured episode re-enactments by fans, autograph-signing sessions with such celebrity guests as Bradley Whitford and Timothy Busfield, and a Gilbert-and-Sullivan-themed 'Musical Salute To Sorkin.' 'It's like no other Sorkin event out there,' said attendee Peter Koechley, who won this year's trivia contest by identifying a line of dialogue from communications director Toby Ziegler in The West Wing's season-five episode 'Eppur Si Muove.' 'There are interactive booths where fans can pitch their own version of the legendary 'Crazy Christians' sketch in the Studio 60 writers' room or lip-synch to 'The Jackal' along with C.J. from The West Wing. There's even a real-life 'Dolphin Girl' here posing with fans for pictures!' Following his speech, Sorkin screened a four-minute clip from the pilot episode of The West Wing: The Santos Administration and explained the premise behind the new show. Beginning about two years after the last episode of the original series, the animated version focuses on President Matt Santos as he deals with his party's crushing defeat in the midterm elections and his advisers struggle with the death of President Jed Bartlet, who has finally succumbed to complications from multiple sclerosis. The pilot ends, Sorkin said, with a 15-minute speech from President Santos about holding unpopular ideals. Sorkin stressed that the most important thing in doing another West Wing is staying true to his fans. 'I will make sure that everyone's favorite characters and policy issues from the first series return, along with an all-new Joint Chiefs of Staff and a few fresh constitutional crises,' said Sorkin, pausing for deafening cheers. 'And I can promise SorCon that there will be at least two filibusters in the first season.' Sorkin plans to write all of the new episodes as well as animate them himself. He has not yet sold the series for broadcast, but said he was 'certain' that any network would 'jump at the chance to work with Aaron Sorkin.' Events scheduled for day three at SorCon include a panel discussion on rapid-fire dialogue, an American President debate on what sorts of policy deals would cause the president's girlfriend to break up with him in the modern day, and a seminar on how freebasing cocaine can improve your screenwriting. |
0 | WASHINGTON, DCA coalition of young professionals criticized the American Association of Retired Persons at a press conference Monday, calling the organization 'woefully out of step with the general public.' 'These AARPsters are the old guard of a bygone era, and it's time to bring them down,' said Troy Hebner, president of the organization Stop The Aged, which aims to lessen the AARP's lobbying power. 'A full 100 percent of their membership is over age 55. Many of them no longer even work. What could their views on Social Security and health insurance have to do with us?' In December, Stop The Aged made headlines by threatening to file a $1 billion age-discrimination lawsuit against the AARP. |
0 | Taking a bold stand against discomfort, the American Association of Retired Persons called for 'comfier booths' at America's approximately 500 Denny's restaurants Monday. 'How long can Denny's management stand idly by while our nation's elderly eat their senior breakfast specials at booths that are merely adequate?' AARP president Marge Littlefield, 77, said. Among its principal demands, the AARP called for increased cushiness, more leg room and an adjustable back-rest feature for those seniors suffering from lower-back discomfort and/or osteoporosis. Additional demands included waitstaff-dispensed shawls, Epsom-salt foot baths at select tables, and specially designated nap areas. |
0 | The silent hull of Northlands Mall disquieted Erik Sandvig Monday, when the local man gazed through the locked glass doors of what was, in happier times, 'Roseville's One-Stop Shopping Fun Zone.' 'Man, it's really creepy,' Sandvig said of the once-thriving mall's mausoleum-like stillness. 'There's the Sam Goody where you could get all the hottest new releases. And right next door is the Foot Locker that had all your favorite gear from Nike and Adidas.' His nostalgic longing satisfied, Sandvig walked on, leaving the ghosts of former fun-seeking shoppers to roam the aisles undisturbed. |
0 | In an effort to maintain the stunning 36.2 rating for Ellen's recent coming-out episode, ABC announced Monday that the show's main character will discover that she is a lesbian on every future episode of the show. 'We don't want to give too much away,' said ABC programming VP Fred Gamble, 'but Ellen is going to make a shocking announcement this Wednesday. And every Wednesday after that.' |
0 | LOS ANGELESABC announced the cancellation of the show Acting With The Stars Monday. 'George Hamilton onstage with Jeremy Irons in True West was golden,' ABC Entertainment President Stephen McPherson said. 'But after the Naked Ape fiasco, Dame Judi Dench refused to appear on camera with ex-49ers quarterback Joe Montana, and we decided to cut our losses.' ABC executives said they will avoid working with esteemed professional actors in the future. |
0 | ABC announced Monday that it is cancelling Yeltsin!, the struggling two-year-old sitcom starring Russian president Boris Yeltsin. Though network executives did not give a reason for the cancellation, it is believed that Yeltsin's poor comedic skillsincluding his oafish, mistimed delivery of his character's catchphrase, 'You got that right, sister!'were to blame. Writers for the show were also frustrated by the star's frequent comas, which made it 'nearly impossible' for the Russian premier to memorize his lines. 'Sooner or later,' Entertainment Weekly television critic Owen McCready said, 'the stress of doing 26 shows a year portraying a divorced father of three who moves to Pittsburgh to start a new life, in addition to having to lead Russia, was bound to take its toll.' Yeltsin!, which also stars comedian Mark Curry and former 227 star Jacke, debuted in September 1995, touted by ABC as the cornerstone of its much-hyped Tuesday-night line-up. Though the show's debut episode finished third in the Nielsens, it has since slipped dramatically, tying for 54th this past week with CBS's Everybody Loves Raymond. Until a replacement show can be found, Yeltsin!'s 8:30 time slot will be filled with classic episodes of Madam's Place, the irreverent early-'80s comedy featuring the bawdy humor of wise-cracking puppet Madam and a supporting cast that includes sexy redhead Judy Landers as Madam's comely niece. Yeltsin! producers were surprised that the show's ratings continued to drop this season, in light of the September 1996 addition of Bosnian leader Slobodan Milosevic to the cast. 'We thought, if the public isn't responding to a Russian political leader in a light-comedy setting, why not 'up the ante,' so to speak, by giving them a Bosnian one as well,' executive producer Barbara Baum said. 'Apparently, though, the addition of Milosevic to the show's already-impressive supporting cast was a case of 'too little, too late.' It's sad when you put your all into a project, only to see it end like this.' Many television industry insiders say the writing was on the wall for Yeltsin! in April 1996, when the star mysteriously disappeared for several weeks, with an explanation written into the show's scripts that he had 'just gone down to the store for a loaf of bread.' Yeltsin's ballyhooed return came in the May 3 episode, in which he walked into the apartment carrying several bags of loaves, exclaiming, 'Whew! Now that's a lot of bread, you got that right, sister!' to resounding applause from the studio audience. Many observers, however, felt that the show's producers had not adequately explained his absence from the storyline and suspected them of trying to hide a more serious problem with the program's ailing star. Baum denies this. 'There's no truth to the rumor that Boris was unable to fulfill his television obligations due to a series of top-secret surgeries to remove eaten stage props from his stomach,' she said. 'The tabloids love that kind of stuff, and I'm sure it sells papers, but it's just not true.' Baum also denied persistent rumors that Yeltsin is involved romantically with Alyssa Milano, his co-star in the 1995 made-for-TV movie Exchange Student 2: Junior Year Abroad. Yeltsin himself remains optimistic, both about his show-business future and the future of Russia. In a videotaped message from his oxygen-tented sickbed near Gdansk, Yeltsin smiled warmly to reporters, saying, 'I hope my fans will all tune in to see me, TV's Yeltsin, in my upcoming role as host of Sightings on the Sci-Fi Channel, debuting in March. The future of Russia has never looked better, and her people have never been stronger or happier. I am strong as an ox. There will be no need for any coup or other governmental overthrow. This has been a recording.' |
0 | The cold-blooded murder of late-term abortion doctor George Tiller, 67, who was gunned down last week by a pro-life activist during services at a local church, has ignited a firestorm of thoughtful, quiet debate about the practice of abortion. 'When I saw how [Dr. Tiller] was shot in the head at point-blank range, I couldn't help but think, 'Maybe the other side has some logical points worth listening to,'' pro-choice activist Melinda Brody said. 'I have a feeling this senseless act of violence will help resolve the divisive reproductive-rights issue once and for all.' Brody also said she's encouraging doctors across the country to double the number of late-term abortions they perform in hopes of provoking even more open and rational dialogue. |
0 | WINSTON-SALEM, NCAt its quarterly meeting Wednesday, the National Association of Tobacco Growers declared abortion 'the most critical issue of our time,' resolving to significantly increase public awareness and discussion of it. 'There are many controversial issues in America, but none more controversial than abortion,' NATG president Buddy Ott said. 'It is a highly volatile, complex issue and, as such, it deserves a tremendous amount of attention and scrutiny from the American public and media.' |
0 | FactZone with Brooke Alvarez is the highest-rated prime-time cable news show in America, offering breaking news updates, in-depth reporting, insightful analysis of current events, and constant monitoring of public opinion through online polls, viewer tweets, and U-Reports. The winner of three 'Swoosh Awards For Most Awesome News Graphics' since its debut in 2006, no other news show has done more to bombard viewers with an unrelenting stream of essential information. FactZone is known for its political programming, beginning their coverage of the 2008 presidential election in 2006 and extending it through 2010, as well as its investigative reports on missing girls, racecar explosions, and reality-TV trends. FactZone producers have made a vow to 'respect the viewers' time,' packing more news into a 30-minute program than competing shows on CNN or FOX do in two to three hours of programming. Much of the credit is due to Brooke Alvarez, whose perfect annunciation allows for news delivery at a rate 33 percent higher than other broadcasters. Regular FactZone segments include: 'Media Monitor'Host Brooke Alvarez exposes the gross negligence of other so-called news organizations. 'First Responders'First on the scene for debating any issue, the First Responders offer the fastest and loudest analysis in TV news. 'Beyond The Facts'Jean Anne Whorton goes in-depth, nodding thoughtfully at the real story behind the headline. 'Today In History'Co-host Tucker Hope takes us back in time for a lesson about important historical events. 'In My Sights'Brooke Alvarez offers simple, succinct, straightforward solutions to the world's most-complicated problems. |
0 | Broadcast live continuously throughout the OSN family of networks, SportsDome has been the selfnews Sports Network's signature program since the network's launch. The show has since become the most-watched news, sports or current affairs programming in the United States, and remains OSN's flagship program for sports news, analysis, scores, highlights, rumor-mongering and petty personal attacks. The show can be seen in every home in America, every country on the globe and by every branch of the U.S. Armed Services, except for the Navy, with whom OSN remains in a protracted contract dispute over broadcasting fees. Many of the Dome's former anchors have gone on to find success in other fields, including actors John Hurt and Sarah Jessica Parker, poet Robert Pinsky and Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. |
0 | The selfnews News Network is the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, delivering hard-hitting, up-to-the-minute reporting to more than 100 million households nationwide. The network boasts more attack satellites than any other news organization and no other channel has more secret surveillance cameras in homes, businesses, and high-level government offices. selfnews News Network is truly the most powerful name in news. The selfnews News Network's vast array of programming includes Today Now! for morning news to ease you softly into your day, Washington This Afternoon and the Cressbeckler Stance for astute political commentary, Star Fix for obsessive coverage of celebrity and entertainment events, Cross Examination with Shelby Cross for tracking the latest legal cases, and In The Know for no-holds-barred debate. The selfnews News Network has spawned more than 100 subsidiary news channels, five separate selfnews Business Channels, the selfnews Prison Network, and selfnewsAisle, a news channel played on department store electronics display models. Globally, selfnews-branded channels reach 811 countries in 152 languages. The selfnews News Network is one component of the larger selfnews media empire which includes the selfnews Broadcasting Channel (OBC) for general programming, selfnews Pictures for major film releases, and the selfnews News Bar & Grill with more than 2,000 restaurant locations nationwide. |
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0 | DCResponding to pressure from vocal consumer groups and gene-gineering giant Merck-Maibatsu-Pfizer Monday, the FDA announced it will allow the DNA of America's 16th president to be sold without a doctor's prescription. 'The legalization of OTC Abe is great news for expectant parents, gene-therapy patients, and history buffs,' said MMP marketing director Wayne Lincoln. 'Americans will no longer be shackled by the genetic heritage of their forefathers, a tyranny of flesh which condemns all men to be created equal. Now, four score and seven credits will ensure that presidential DNA for the people shall not vanish from the earth.' Those using Lincoln's DNA are warned that side effects may include mild gigantism, arthritis, and severe depression. |
0 | After a lifetime dedicated to finding a cure for cancer, absent-minded Johns Hopkins University professor Humbert E. Huggins reports that a 100 percent effective cure for cancer exists and is somewhere in his home, 'probably in this big pile of papers or the one in the hall closet.' Prof. Humbert E. Huggins has looked all over his office, but has not yet been able to find the cure for cancer. He believes the key to eradicating the disease may lie 'in a big box under my dining room table.' The cure, involving 'smart enzymes' that locate and surround cancerous and anaplastic cells, effectively 'suffocating' them, was the result of 28 years of research by the comically forgetful Huggins and his cancer research team at Johns Hopkins. Sorting through a three-foot-high stack of papers in his living room, Huggins said of the revolutionary cure, 'I remember sticking something in here a couple of days ago... I think it might have been the cure.' 'Hundreds of thousands of experimental solutions over the last three decades were tested on laboratory mice that were infected with cancer,' said team member Patricia Graves. 'When 15 batches of mice suddenly went into dramatic remission, we knew we had struck medical gold. Regrettably, the brilliant but addle-pated Professor Huggins was at that time reviewing the records of the study in his home.' As of press time, Huggins had yet to locate the three sheets of white notebook paper listing the precise formulations for test solutions BEC-32916 through 32930, though he stressed he was 'retracing all my steps of the last few days.' The simplicity of the materials used ensured that when mass-produced in pill form, the cure would cost only four cents for a weekly dose. Huggins said he intends to place the cure into the public domain to guarantee the global eradication of cancer within five years. He further added it is possible that the cure is in one of the blue binders that used to be on the shelf above his television and is now somewhere else. 'This is quite possibly the greatest breakthrough in medical history,' Huggins said. 'And it is quite possibly in one of the boxes under the dining room table.' The Nobel Foundation said yesterday that Huggins is automatically nominated for two Nobel Prizes in Medicine, one for finding the cancer cure and one if he finds it again. 'He lost the [cancer] cure?' said team member Dr. Stephen Blake upon learning of the missing documents. 'How could he lose the [cancer] cure?' Added Blake, 'What a [forgetful professor].' The medical community is rejoicing at the discovery of the cure, wherever it may be. 'This discovery, as soon as it is discovered again, will surely awaken a new age for medicine,' says Harvard University researcher Dr. Henry Caldwell. 'Imagine a future in which those diagnosed with cancer will have only to go to the drugstore and pay a dollar for their cure. Whenever this future arrives, I hope it is soon. Has Professor Huggins looked in the back seat of his car? Because a lot of times I leave stuff there.' Huggins does not own a car, because when he did own one, his absent-minded condition caused him to lose his keys constantly. He has traveled to and from work by bus for the past 12 years. 'Jeez,' Huggins said, 'I didn't leave it on the bus, did I?' Even more than the medical community, the millions of cancer sufferers around the world are excited by the new breakthrough. 'Well, how hard is he looking?' said 15-year-old brain cancer patient Caryn Williams, who stands to live many decades longer given the cure. 'How big is this house of his?' 'Actually, now that I think of it, it might be back at the office,' Huggins said. 'I remember bringing one of my leather satchels there with a bunch of papers that were under my bed. But then where did I put it?' Huggins has not ruled out the possibility that other, non-cancerous diseases can be cured with certain strains of the cancer cure or that the cure is in his basement, where many of his important papers are stored. Anyone with leads to the location of the cure is asked to contact Professor Huggins at the university. He is not accepting calls asking where he last saw the cure. 'That's what I'm trying to remember,' he said. |
0 | After a lifetime dedicated to finding a cure for cancer, Johns Hopkins University absent-minded professor Humbert E. Huggins announced Monday that a 100 percent effective cure for cancer exists and is somewhere in his home, 'probably in that big pile of papers by the back door or in the one in the hall closet.' Prof. Humbert E. Huggins has looked all over his office, but has not yet been able to find the cure for cancer. He believes the key to eradicating the disease may lie 'in a big box under my dining-room table.' The cure, which involves 'smart enzymes' that locate and surround cancerous and anaplastic cells, effectively 'suffocating' them, was the result of 28 years of research by the comically forgetful Huggins and his cancer-research team at Johns Hopkins. Sorting through a three-foot-high stack of papers in his living room, Huggins said, 'I remember sticking something in here a couple of days ago. I think it might have been the cure.' Fellow researcher Patricia Graves explained how they arrived at the cure. 'Hundreds of thousands of experimental solutions over the last three decades were tested on laboratory mice that were infected with cancer,' Graves said. 'When 15 batches of mice suddenly went into dramatic remission, we knew we had struck medical gold. Regrettably, the brilliant but addle-pated Professor Huggins was reviewing the records of the study in his home at the time.' As of press time, Huggins had yet to locate the three sheets of white notebook paper listing the precise formulations for test solutions BEC-32916 through 32930. He did stress, however, that he was 'retracing all my steps of the last few days.' The simplicity of the materials used ensured that when mass-produced in pill form, the cure would cost only four cents for a weekly dose. Huggins said he had intended to make the cure public domain to guarantee the global eradication of cancer within five years. He also said it is possible that the cure is in one of the blue binders that used to be on the shelf above his television and is now somewhere else. 'This is quite possibly the greatest breakthrough in medical history,' Huggins said. 'And it is quite possibly in one of the boxes under the dining room table.' In a statement last week, the Nobel Foundation said that Huggins has been nominated for two Nobel Prizes in Medicine, one for finding the cancer cure and one if he finds it again. 'He lost the [cancer] cure?' said team member Dr. Stephen Blake upon learning of the missing documents. 'How could he lose the [cancer] cure?' Added Blake: 'What a [forgetful professor].' The medical community is rejoicing over the discovery of the cure, wherever it may be. 'This discovery, as soon as it is discovered again, will surely usher in a new age for medicine,' said Harvard University oncologist Dr. Henry Caldwell. 'Imagine a future in which those diagnosed with cancer will have only to go to the drugstore and pay a dollar for the cure. Has Professor Huggins looked in the back seat of his car? Because a lot of times I leave stuff there.' When informed of Caldwell's comments, Huggins responded that he does not own a car, because when he did own one, his absent-minded condition caused him to lose his keys 'constantly.' He said he has traveled to and from work by bus for the past 12 years. 'Jeez,' Huggins said, 'I didn't leave it on the bus, did I?' Millions of cancer patients around the world are excited by news of the breakthrough. 'Well, how hard is he looking?' said 15-year-old Caryn Williams of Helena, MT, who was recently diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. 'How big is that house of his?' 'Actually, now that I think of it, it might be back at the office,' Huggins said. 'I remember bringing one of my leather satchels there with a bunch of papers that were under my bed. But then where did I put it?' Huggins has not ruled out the possibility that other, non-cancerous diseases can be cured with permutations of the cancer cure, or that the cure is in his basement, where many of his important papers are stored. Anyone with information regarding the location of the cure is asked to contact Professor Huggins at the university. He is not accepting calls asking where he last saw the cure. 'That's what I'm trying to remember,' he said. |
0 | Rolling their eyes at their own foolishness and silently chastising themselves the second they realized their mistake, millions of absentminded Americans once again caught themselves turning to their leaders this week, sources confirmed Wednesday. The embarrassed U.S. populace, who confided to reporters that for a moment there they had found themselves actively seeking meaningful action from their elected representatives on matters ranging from small local issues to major international catastrophes, admitted they couldnt help but laugh at themselves following the mental blunder. The other day, I was reading about the humanitarian crisis of undocumented children crossing the border from Mexico, and without really even thinking about it, I started wondering what Obama or Congress might do to fix it, said Ellen Cannon of Millersburg, OH, explaining that she actually spent a few seconds contemplating the ways in which the government could help before she realized what she was doing. Suddenly it hit me that I was expecting a solution from the people charged with running our country. I snapped out of it pretty quickly, but boy, did I feel like a dope. Itll be a while before I stop kicking myself for that one, she added. Attributing the fleeting moment of faith in its leaders to a simple lapse of judgement, the nation sheepishly acknowledged the awkward slip had caused it to briefly seek reassurance from public officials on issues including the sluggish economy, overcrowded public schools, gun show loopholes, Social Security, campaign finance reform, impurities in municipal tap water, both national and household debt, and the Kyoto Accords. Several million Americans reportedly experienced a mixture of both surprise and exasperation with themselves after momentarily looking for answers from individuals vested with authority at the federal, state, or local level, saying they must have completely spaced when they tried to take solace in a leaders words or presumed an elected official might have the ability and willingness to effect change of some kind. Sources indicated that in nearly all cases, members of the populace were left wondering what else they might be capable of accidentally expecting from people in positions of power. I almost couldnt believe it when I realized Id been counting on the city council to take responsibility for the dangerous intersection near my home that desperately needs a traffic light, said Peter Layne of Mendota, CA, who confessed it wasnt the first time he had caught himself hoping for decisive action from those who, in accordance with the social contract governing democratic societies, have been elected to represent the general will of the people. I dont know what I was thinkingand this is the second time its happened this week! Youd think Id know better by now. As irritated as I am with myself, Im just thankful no one else witnessed my boneheaded slip-up. Im only human, and I guess mistakes happen, he continued. But Id be lying if I said my face wasnt red. At press time, sources confirmed the nation was still shaking its head in disbelief. |
0 | Describing the years of psychological torment he has inflicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted Sheehan told reporters Thursday he couldn't wait to see what kind of art his abuse would inspire them to create when they grow up. The 37-year-old father said he could only imagine how his son and daughter's unstable upbringing might manifest itself in future writings, paintings, or music, given the way he routinely ridicules their achievements, yells at their mother in drunken fits of rage, and threatens the family with physical violence. 'My constant petty bullying alone ought to be worth a couple novels or screenplaysmaybe even a solo museum exhibit,' said Sheehan, noting that even when his children do get a break from his verbal abuse, they still suffer from total emotional abandonment. 'We're not talking here about your ordinary, everyday withholding of approval, either. Most of the time, I'm actively undermining and belittling them. Definitely stuff that could be channeled into unique art emblematic of the isolated, tortured nature of human existence.' 'After 18 years of life in that kind of menacing environment, you could easily be looking at the next Jackson Pollock and Sylvia Plath,' he added. Asked if his children might turn to teachers or other adult role models for the support they lack at home, Sheehan said he assumed his long record of broken commitmentspromising to attend and then forgetting about Amber's school play, buying James a longed-for guitar and later pawning it to pay a gambling debtwould prevent them from ever trusting anyone and force them to find artistic outlets for their anguish. According to Sheehan, he hadn't stopped to consider his children would have 'a real leg up, creatively' until he recently re-watched the works of Ingmar Bergman and realized how the legendary filmmaker had exorcised the demons of his childhood on screen. 'A classic like Fanny And Alexander makes you think about all the different ways you're terrorizing your own kids, and how you're giving them the raw material they need to create a masterpiece of their own,' Sheehan said. 'James is already expressing his feelings through poetry. It's pretty good, but I still tell him he's a little faggot for writing it. I bet he'll focus the rage he feels toward me into writing even better poetry.' 'Can you imagine the unstable temperament he'll have 20 years from now, at his creative and intellectual peak?' Sheehan added. Despite the habitual humiliation and agonizing mind games he ensnares James in on a daily basis, Sheehan said his daughter was the one most likely to experience crippling depression on the level of Frida Kahlo or Georgia O'Keeffe. 'I was looking at this watercolor Amber did at school and, Jesus, the attention to detail, the vibrant and erratic brush strokes,' said Sheehan, describing a large and monstrous figure in the center of the work that 'could only have been [him].' 'It's obvious she was trying to work through something really horrific. When she showed me the painting, I of course tore it up and threw it in her face before telling her she was a disappointment and a failure and would never amount to anything. But man, you should have seen that paintingjust incredible.' While believing he has already irreversibly damaged his young children's psyches, Sheehan claimed the years to come would be even more devastating, as James and Amber are inevitably forced to deal with a broken home, a stepmother not much older than they are, and, eventually, their father 'bailing on them altogether.' 'Think of how many great songs have been written about abandonment,' Sheehan said. 'Or how many classic books have been written about the strained father-child relationship. They don't know it yet, but I'm setting them up for a long and fruitful career.' 'Of course, I have no way of knowing whether they'll actually become groundbreaking artists or voices of their generation,' Sheehan continued. 'But if nothing else, they've inherited my predisposition toward substance abuse, so they'll at least be able to fall back on the self-sabotage of drugs and alcohol to churn out a mediocre album or two.' When asked how their father's behavior had impacted their creativity, neither child spoke or even made eye contact, with Amber clutching firmly to her mother's waist. |
0 | Psychiatric evaluations of wifebeater Jimmy Pellett, 33, indicate that he himself was abusive as a child, doctors reported Tuesday. 'Since the age of 3, Mr. Pellett has been the perpetrator of countless acts of violence against his parents, siblings, and other neighborhood children,' Dr. William Traschel said. 'Sadly, the beatings and emotional terror he inflicted as a child led him to more beatings as an adult. Just another textbook case of the abuser growing up to be the abuser.' |
0 | In an effort to provide personalized feedback so that all Oscar nominees can strengthen their performance habits and ensure future awards success, members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed this week that they will issue in-depth progress reports to each of this years runners-up. Every nominee who does not win in his or her category can expect to sit down with Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs for a 20-minute one-on-one to go over a three- to four-page summary of their specific dramatic strengths as well as some areas that require improvement, said AMPAS public relations representative Rob Friedman, who added that the Academy would take all facets of an actors performance into consideration when compiling the assessments, including effort, range, and dialogue delivery, each of which would be evaluated on a standardized five-point scale. Detailed, constructive evaluations are key to helping nominees develop the skills they need to thrive during the competitive awards season, and we hope that this new service will help take some of the guesswork out of what is expected of them and equip them to succeed going forward. To help reinforce the reports recommendations, Friedman said that each runner-up would be required to write up a brief summary of their acting goals for the upcoming year and develop an actionable plan to achieve those goals. |
0 | Danielle Pierce, 33, an assistant producer at Access Hollywood, told a friend Monday that she 'could never and would never' work for Entertainment Tonight. <i>Access Hollywood</i> assistant producer Danielle Pierce. 'Work for ET? No way. Never,' Pierce told Liz Sharkey, a production assistant at Castle Rock Entertainment, over drinks at a Melrose Avenue bar. 'Have you seen that show lately? They're so derivative over there. And slow. They didn't show a first look at the Charlie's Angels trailer until a week before the premiere. We hit air with itand a bumper piece on Cameron's comic roles10 days after ShoWest.' Scanning the bar in search of what she called 'Extra Terrestrials,' Pierce continued: 'ET has no voice of its own. One minute, they're doing an E!-style fashion bit. The next, they're trying to be Extra. Our press kit says we're brash, up-to-the-minute, and wholly uniqueand it's true. We lead, ET follows. It shows in everything we do, from the exclusive on-set peek at M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller to the report on Angelina Jolie's controversial Oscar dress, to our coverage of more difficult subjects like the rumored friction on the Friends set.' 'Sure, Access doesn't pay as much as ET. But we don't have to,' said Pierce, squeezing a lime slice into her margarita. 'People know they've stalled and that the culture just isn't the same. I met an ET researcher at a party last monthslightly phony guyand, anyway, it was clear he didn't believe in the job. It's much more of an assembly-line mentality over there: Just churn it out. And that's really not helped by having [Bob] Goen and [Mary] Hart at the desk. Bob's a poor man's John Tesh, and Mary, she couldn't say her name without a cue card. [Access Hollywood anchor] Pat [O'Brien] is trusted and really knows his stuff. We could go live if we had to.' Pierce offered a specific example of what she believes to be Entertainment Tonight's lack of 'freshness, savvy, and insight.' 'I was watching their show last night, and they were doing a spot on the breakout new shows of the fall seasonalmost all of them were Paramount shows, of course. Shameless corporate tie-in. Okay, we do it sometimes, too, but not that bad. Anyway, at the start of this thing, they had a 'produced by' line, and there were three names. How can it take three people to produce this one segment unless you're really overstaffed and stifling people's creativity?' As a result of the shows' radically divergent philosophies, Pierce said that Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight draw different types of viewers. 'They're half a ratings point above us in the average week, unless we land some kind of Tom Cruise exclusive or something. Survivor helped them, too, since they've got so many CBS carriers,' Pierce said. 'But their demos are for shit. I mean, we absolutely cream them among 18-to-35s. The only ones ET scores big with are people too old to know or care what's truly going on in Hollywood.' Added Pierce: 'The difference is apparent in the names of the shows. They're all about the surface aspect of entertainment. We've got a deeper, far more insider angle, yet are still accessible to the casual fan.' 'No, Liz, I could never, ever work there,' Pierce said. 'Not unless they changed their entire way of doing things. Why? Have you heard anything about that executive-producer position? Not that I'd be interested or anything.' |
0 | With many trivial questions still unanswered about the separation of pop star Robin Thicke from actress Paula Patton, Access Hollywood correspondent Liz Hernandez vowed Wednesday to do whatever it takes to get to the very surface of the story. I will not rest until Ive uncovered every single superficial detail and interviewed every vapid source about this troubled celebrity couples split, said Hernandez, pledging to vigilantly document all of the latest speculation regarding Thickes new potential love interests and investigate any and all possible inane connections between the separation and Pattons post-breakup wardrobe selections. Our viewers deserve a presumptuous, insubstantial take on what went wrong, and I will jump to any conclusions necessary to make sure they are informed. At press time, the intrepid entertainment journalist had reportedly come upon several heretofore unseen insignificant paparazzi photos of Thicke and discovered that the scope of the story was far more unimportant than anyone could ever imagine. |
0 | WISCONSIN DELLS, WIJ.J. Gardner, a regular customer at Nig's Tavern, was perfectly okay to drive early Tuesday morning after five hours of heavy drinking, according to the AK2000, the bar's coin-operated love-tester. 'Hot To Trot,' the love-tester said after Gardner gripped its handle for five seconds. Gardner later mumbled incoherent explanations to Wisconsin Dells police that he would never have attempted to drive if he had tested as Frigid, a Cold Fish, or an Old Maid. |
0 | According to the nutritional information on the back of a bag of Fritos, area resident Jerry Ploeg just ate 16 servings of the popular corn chip. 'Wow, I didn't realize there were so many servings in there,' Ploeg said Tuesday, moments after finishing off the bag, which contained 220 grams of fat and 1,200 percent of the USRDA for sodium. 'How big is a serving, anyway?' Ploeg then washed the Fritos down with five servings of Dr. Pepper. |
0 | At a Monday meeting concerning second-quarter double-sided-tape sales, 3M account manager Rick Belbol fondly recalled the day he and his college roommates spent the day hanging out on the roof of their house. Reminiscing 3M account manager Rick Belbol. 'You know what this weather always reminds me of?' Belbol, 28, said to a group of account managers and coordinators. 'This great day when me and a bunch of my buddies climbed up onto the roof and spent the whole day just drinking beer and cranking U2 and soaking up the sun. Man, that was awesome.' Staring past the product-order spreadsheet in his hand, Belbol, a 1993 graduate of the University of MinnesotaDuluth School of Business, pieced together the details of the day for the benefit of his coworkers. 'It was sometime around the beginning of summer, after the end of the school year, probably May or June,' Belbol said. 'It was definitely '92, because Chris and Steve-O were there, and they graduated a year before me. Plus, I remember that Achtung Baby, which I think came out in late '91, was still pretty new at the time, and we were playing it non-stop. But whenever it was, we were nuts to have gone up there, especially considering how drunk off our asses we were by the time those cops passed by and told us to get down.' 'That was a great house we had over on Grant Street,' added Belbol, who for the last several weeks has worked 12-hour days updating the 3M database of wholesale-distributor orders to Microsoft Access 2000. 'We had the entire second floor to ourselves.' Belbol, along with wife Sara and their 9-month-old son Aaron, lives in a condominium in Pinewood Hills, a recently built subdivision in the Minneapolis suburb of Eden Prairie. 'We were all being total wise-asses, yelling shit at people as they walked by and trying to get girls to come up and join us,' Belbol said. 'These three girls in bikini tops almost came up, but then they got scared off when Jake made some stupid crack about having a gang-bang. We were like, 'Jake, you fuckin' idiot!'' According to Belbol, the roommates could only access the roof by climbing out the kitchen window and boosting themselves up using the ledge of the neighboring house. Despite the difficulty, he and his friends managed to get a number of items onto the roof that day, including two cases of beer, three lawn chairs, and a set of speakers still connected to the living-room stereo by 25-foot wires. 'We ordered pizza and made the delivery guy hand it out the window to us,' said Belbol, who worked for two years at Smart Solutions, a St. Paul direct-mail-marketing firm, before joining the 3M team in 1995. 'I also remember that the next day, everybody was so totally sunburned. Especially Pete.' 'We had these big plans how we were going to get a throwaway couch and hoist it up there so we could hang out up there all the time, but we never ended up doing that,' Belbol continued. 'In fact, I don't think we ever even went up there again. I don't really remember why.' According to Belbol's coworkers, this is not the first time he has recalled an idyllic day from his college years. 'I've heard tons of them, like the weekend everyone went rock climbing, the time he and Chad skipped out on their big Statistics 140 exam to go to the Twins home opener, and the time he quit his part-time job at the grad library just to spend the day with a girl he'd met the night before at Bullwinkle's,' promotions manager Dale Rogers said. 'And I'm sure there'll be plenty more to come.' Belbol ranked the hanging-out-on-the-roof day second on his list of college memories, bested only by the time he and about 20 other people piled into the back of a rented U-Haul truck and drove to a BoDeans concert in Fargo. |
0 | Amidst a blizzard of white, yellow, and pink forms in triplicate, a jubilant crowd of more than 800,000 accountants jammed Times Square Saturday night to ring in the fiscal new year. Accountants celebrating The New Fiscal Year. 'Fiscal Year 200102!' shouted one unidentified CPA, a tie wrapped around his forehead and a paper-bag-covered bottle of caffeine-free Diet Coke in his hand. 'The expense-accrual forms are completed and the statutory salary recovery requests are in. Now it's time to par-tay!' The man then climbed atop a garbage can and wildly waved a copy of a PricewaterhouseCoopers end-of-year report before falling back into the crowd. 'Oh, yeah!' yelled 49-year-old Deloitte & Touche accountant David Gelfand, tearing off his shirt to reveal the phrase 'In The Black' painted on his chest. 'Anyone looking for final approval for payment vouchers subject to post-payment audit can forget it. The Office of Accounting is officially closed for the year! Whoooooo!' Many present for the annual Times Square mayhem wore hats and carried noisemakers, and floating through the air were thousands of balloons emblazoned with the logo of the Big Five accounting firm Ernst & Young, the event's official sponsor. Accountants began to gather as early as noon in anticipation of the official countdown to midnight, April 15. At first, the mood was calm and genial, with accountants discussing tax code and sharing their Fiscal New Year's resolutions with one another. But as day turned to night, the scene changed, with celebrants yelling, climbing onto parked cars, and throwing items from their briefcases, including pocket calculators, spill-proof coffee mugs, and Parker pen sets. By 9 p.m., the size of the roiling throng had forced police to close off Broadway from 34th Street to 57th Street and reroute all vehicular traffic. The Fiscal Ball drops, ushering in the new year. Shortly after 10 p.m., a portion of the crowd began to chant, 'Excel! Excel!' in unison, prompting another group to defend its preferred spreadsheet software with shouts of, 'Lotus 123! Lotus 123!' As the two sides' intensity increased, the impassioned yelling turned to shoving, and police had to escort several accountants out of the crowd. Throughout the evening, the Times Square Jumbotron showed clips of accounting highlights from FY 200001, as well as reflections on the past fiscal year by celebrities such as Gerard Truman, author of The Truman Formula For Estimating Loss Leader Profitability Returns. 'There's no question that 200001 was one incredible fiscal year,' said Truman, his words echoing through Times Square. 'Microsoft released Windows 2000, everyone changed their methods to accommodate the Euro, and Office Max released its biggest catalog ever. But now, after a long, hard year of accounting, it's time to turn off our NQS batch queues and just enjoy ourselves.' One minute before midnight, the traditional countdown began as the three-ton, Tiffany-made Fiscal Ball slowly descended from the sky at One Times Square. 'That Fiscal Ball is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,' said Peter Timmins, 38, a KPMG budget analyst from Philadelphia. 'Back when I was getting my master's in accounting at Georgetown, we'd all sit glued to the live annual broadcast of John Kenneth Galbraith's Fiscal New Year's Rockin' Eve. And now I'm actually experiencing it in person.' Lou Dobbs, former star of CNN's Moneyline, officially closed the ceremonies, addressing the crowd from atop a giant adding machine shooting reams of number-filled streamers into the crowd below. 'Let us now, for but a moment,' Dobbs said, 'look back fondly on FY 200001the mergers and acquisitions that made it special, the new information systems that came into our lives, the new tax strategies we may have discovered in places we weren't even looking.' Dobbs paused shortly, waiting for the crowd to quiet, before bursting into song. 'Should auld accountants be forgot...' sang Dobbs, lifting his voice as the swaying crowd of accountants linked arms and joined him in song. 'This is so amazing,' said Amanda Lakewood, a tax-code accountant who traveled all the way from Merced, CA, to be part of the Times Square festivities. 'When we're all here together, it doesn't matter if you work in budget analysis, auditing, or management accounting. It doesn't matter if you work for the government, a privately held corporation, or a public accounting firm. When we're together here like this, we're all just accountants, every one of us. Happy Fiscal New Year!' |
0 | Jonathan Andriesko's weekend acid trip was better planned than his trip to Arizona last month, friends of the 22-year-old video-store clerk reported Monday. 'Jon spent hours making sure everything was right,' coworker Craig Jaeger said. 'He requested two days off from work well in advance, rented 2001: A Space Odyssey, filled up his CD changer with Aphex Twin and Boards Of Canada discs, took the phone off the hook, stocked up on vitamin-C tablets, set up all the food he was going to need for the next 12 hours... You'd think he was planning a wedding.' By contrast, Andriesko merely expressed vague plans to 'get going sometime Saturday' before embarking on a mid-March trip to Scottsdale. |
0 | At a press conference Monday, American Civil Liberties Union officials announced that the organization will go to court to defend a neo-Nazi group's right to burn down ACLU headquarters. ACLU lawyers Nancy Edelman and Harvey Gross talk to reporters about their fight to allow Nazis to burn down ACLU headquarters on Nov. 25. ACLU president Nadine Strossen told reporters that her organization intends to 'vigorously and passionately defend' the Georgia chapter of the American Nazi Party's First Amendment right to freely express its hatred of the ACLU by setting its New York office ablaze on Nov. 25. 'I am reminded of the words of Voltaire: 'I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'' Strossen said. 'While the ACLU vehemently disagrees with the idea of Nazis torching this building, the principle of freedom of expression must be supported in all cases. If we take away these Nazis' right to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyone's right to burn down our headquarters.' Buddy Carver, president of the Georgia chapter of the American Nazi Party, praised the ACLU for taking on his case. 'I would like to thank Ms. Strossen and all the other nigger-loving bleeding-heart liberals at the 'ACL-Jew' for defending my constitutional right to express my loathing of them with hundred-foot-high flames,' said Carver, sporting a tan uniform and swastika arm band. 'We must finish the job Hitler was unable to.' ACLU associate director Mel Rosenblatt agreed. 'The real danger here is not the American Nazi Party,' he said. 'The real danger here is what would happen to the rest of us if the Buddy Carvers of this world were not allowed to commit arson against nigger-loving, bleeding-heart-liberal Jew attorneys.' Making the case all the more controversial is the neo-Nazis' demand that the ACLU's entire 315-person staff be in the building at the time of the blaze. Strongly opposing the request are New York City police commissioner William Bratton, fire chief Ed Holm and mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who said that all 315 will die if trapped in the 47-story building during the blaze. ACLU attorneys responded that they will request a federal appeals hearing if the City of New York attempts to stop them and their fellow ACLU employees from perishing in the Nov. 25 blaze. 'Yes, my loving wife Linda and three wonderful children, Ben, Robby and Stephanie, will be devastated when I am killed next month,' ACLU attorney Harvey Gross said. 'But I recognize that, in a very real sense, it would be a victory for Mr. Carver and his fellow hatemongers if I did not burn to death, because their terrible message of bigotry and intolerance would be all the more effective if suppressed.' The Carver case is one of several controversial legal battles with which the ACLU has been involved this judicial year. In State of California v. Tubbs, the organization defended the right of a San Francisco art gallery to display a piece of performance art in which innocent passersby are shot to death by gunmen. In February, the ACLU went to U.S. Appeals Court to defend the Grand Wizard of the Coahoma County, Mississippi, chapter of the Ku Klux Klan's right to beat a black man to death and spray-paint 'White Pride' across his chest. 'We can have no arbitrary setting of limits when it comes to the Bill of Rights,' Strossen said. 'The Constitution does not say, 'You have the right to express these opinions, but not those opinions.' Nor does it say, 'You can express these opinions by word, but not by violence.' For a free society to work, hatred, in all its forms, must be encouraged.' |
0 | Saying it was conceivable that refuse-related abuses might arise at some point, officials from the American Civil Liberties Union emphasized at a press conference Thursday that it is perfectly legal to film garbage men anywhere in the United States if you ever happen to find yourself needing to do so. No matter where you live in this country, there are no laws prohibiting you from recording workers collecting trash, be it yours or anyone elses, should you at any point find this situation necessary to get on video, said ACLU senior policy analyst Jay Stanley, who stressed that while the sanitation workers might ask you to turn your camera off, it is well within your rights, if you ever end up in such circumstances for whatever reason, to politely refuse. Not saying that you have to do this, or that you should do this, or anything like thatbut just be aware that as long as you dont antagonize them or interfere with their garbage collection, you can film them with your phones or cameras and they cannot legally confiscate your device or destroy any footage, supposing thats something you deem to be an appropriate course of action. Stanley added that, for what its worth, you can also film recycling employees if need be, but you should consult your individual state laws if you ever feel compelled to record scrap metal collectors. |
0 | Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for the product casually noted Monday. 'Some Dermalon users may experience such side effects as dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing, memory loss, bone rot, paranoid schizophrenia, and brain tumors,' a friendly voice-over noted as a group of happy, clear-skinned teens frolicked on a beach. 'Wake up to a clearer you with Dermalon.' Franklin Laboratories is also the manufacturer of Follicin, a hair-restoration formula linked to explosive diarrhea and hyperobesity. |
0 | SETH'S BEDROOMWith the dreaded skeleton people closing in on him and the carpet suddenly turning into red-hot lava before his very eyes, local action figure Huntarr the Warrior vowed to fight on Thursday despite the loss of his cherished dragon sword. Huntarr has vowed not to rest until bedtime. 'I won't surrender!' shouted the 8-inch plastic toy, before bobbing across the bedroom floor, stopping to perform the splits for no discernable reason, and continuing on toward a nearby chair. 'I'm Huntarr! You skeleton people will never make a slave out of me!' 'Swoosh-swoosh-swoosh,' the action figure added while carrying out nearly 20 consecutive back flips. Huntarrknown for his superhuman strength, his unrelenting courage in battle, and his ability to fly and then become invisible and then turn into like a ball so that nobody can see himhas faced similar challenges in the past. Earlier this week, the action figure was confronted by an estimated 10 million sea serpents from outer space, while on Sunday, Huntarr was forced to square off against the evil mad scientist Dr. Robert Scientist. To date, the fearless warrior's greatest trial remains the time he was nearly sold at a local garage sale. That is, until the loss of his dragon sword today. 'I don't have my sword, but I still have my karate,' announced Huntarr, who hails from the deepest tracts of the Amazon jungle, yet is somehow versed in Eastern martial arts. 'You can't stop me! I am more powerful than the most powerful man on earth, who is me.' The vanquished sword 'And Seth's dad,' continued the action figure, referring to certified tax accountant Howard Silverman. 'He's pretty strong, too.' According to sources, Huntarr battled the skeleton people for nearly 25 minutes, using a variety of kicks, violent head butts, punches that sounded very close in pitch to futuristic ray guns, a wooden spoon, and, during one covert operation fought at the kitchen table, the multiplication table for the number three. The assault is reportedly Huntarr's most vicious since he attacked a Dream Van full of defenseless Barbie dolls, some of them nude at the time. 'Give up now, skeleton people, or I'll make you do your chores,' the chiseled jungle warrior threatened while continuously leaping from one foot to the other to emphasize his point. 'And you'll be mad because you're tired and you don't like cleaning up!' Responding to the threat of having to make the bed, the leader of the skeleton people finally admitted defeat Thursday. 'Please stopI think you broke my head,' cried the skeleton leader, slowly raising both arms, the left arm with some difficulty, in a show of surrender. 'Let's be friends! I want to be friends!' After a few seconds of deliberation, Huntarr reportedly agreed to a pact with his longtime foe, though he stated that by becoming friends, the leader of the skeleton people had to pick him first at dodgeball from now on, and couldn't tease him anymore about the time he threw up during recess. Also, Huntarr said, the leader of the skeleton people had to let the brazen warrior play with his toys when he brought them to school. 'I saved the earth!' cried the victorious action figure. 'Let's eat cheese pizza now!' As of press time, Huntarr had once again won out over the forces of evil, and after collecting a handsome reward of $5, rested facedown on the ground, where many speculate he will remain until early tomorrow morning. |
0 | Ron Pelinka, a designer at Cincinnati's K&G Media Concepts, sets his cubicle apart from those of coworkers with an impressive collection of action figures. Just a few of the action figures that make Ron Pelinka's workspace distinctive. 'Here's The Creech,' said Pelinka, 33, picking up one of the 57-and-counting toy figures that adorn his workspace. 'This guy is from Spawn, series 12. Pretty creepy, huh? Roar! Seriously, though, this one is one of my favorites.' Pelinka said the creative nature of his workdesigning instruction booklets for clock radios and other household electronicsdemands a casual, free-thinking environment. 'I'd go crazy working in a sterile cubicle all day,' Pelinka said. 'Just take a look around this place. Desk, computer, chair. Wall, wall, door, wall. Management might as well drop us in a sensory-deprivation tank and say, 'Get to work.' Now, my cubicle, on the other handnobody's going to mistake it for any other around here, that's for sure.' Most of Pelinka's coworkers personalize their cubicles in some way, adorning them with items ranging from pictures of loved ones to humorous cartoon calendars. Few, however, have gone to the lengths that Pelinka has. 'Whenever someone new starts here, they inevitably come up and ask me about my collection of Dragonball Z series five mini-figures,' Pelinka said. 'I guess they really make my cubicle stand out, don't they?' Pelinka's action figures lean against his phone, sit atop his computer's CPU tower and monitor, and litter his desk. A shelf to the right of Pelinka's computer is reserved for action figures that are valuable or otherwise irreplaceable. 'This is an Ultraman in its original packaging that I ordered through the mail,' Pelinka said. 'And this is a very collectible Aquaman figure from 1976. And Boba Fett. No one gets to touch the Boba Fett. That's why he's in that bag.' Pelinka's action figures reveal his wide range of interests, from comic books to science-fiction films. Included in his collection are Tomb Raider's Lara Croft, Lieutenant Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation, Trixie from Speed Racer, Morpheus and Cypher from The Matrix, and two different poses of Austin Powers from The Spy Who Shagged Me. The collection even contains a figure of John Lennon from Yellow Submarine. 'I'm not into The Beatles all that much,' Pelinka said, 'but I saw this and I thought, 'Hey, an action figure of a musician. That's pretty cool.'' Pointing to Battlefield Earth's Terl slow-dancing with Princess Leia atop his Zip drive, Pelinka said he sometimes likes to pose the figures in humorous positions. He is also fond of creating accessories for them, such as when he recently teased coworker Angela Rachert by fashioning a tiny sign for Austin Powers that read, 'Angie is shaggadelic [sic], baby!' Though some might assume that such antics result in decreased productivity, Pelinka said the exact opposite is true. 'Working in an environment where I'm free to express myself really helps me get into my zone,' Pelinka said. 'I look at these figures, and it reminds me of all the cool adventures these characters have had. That really fires me up to design brochures. Otherwise, half the time, I'm about ready to drop off to sleep.' Not everyone is so enthusiastic about Pelinka's cubicle collection, however. 'I keep telling Ron to tone it down with the action figures,' design supervisor Lisa Mendes said. 'But no matter how many times I've told him, he just keeps adding new ones, so now it's kind of a joke around the office. Still, I just hope no one from corporate ever swings by unannounced, or he might get written up or put on probation.' 'That's the price you pay for being a rebel,' said Pelinka, leaning back in his chair with his hands clasped behind his head. Pelinka said he has no intention of scaling back the collection anytime soon. 'I gotta be me,' he said. 'I gotta be me.' |
0 | Echoing at a soft and constant volume across the nations collective conscious, the ambient, unending background hum of modern American life reported today that an armed gunman remains at large after opening fire on innocent bystanders. Community members are advised to shelter in place, stated the incessant, low-level white noise of death counts and missed warning signs emanating steadily from all directions, which confirmed that a vigil honoring the victims of the shooting will be held Thursday. There were maybe five, six shots one after the other, and everyone started panicking. The gun was obtained legally. You never think that something like this could happen in your town. The ceaseless, droning din of day-to-day existence in the United States went on to add, lockdown, grieving families of the victims, troubled young man, AR-15, mental health system, senseless, took his own life, unsuccessful legislative efforts. |
0 | Despite a catchy 1890s soundtrack and realistic-feeling game play, Sousaphone Hero, the third installment of Activision's massively popular Guitar Hero video game franchise, sold a mere 52 copies in the United States in its opening week, the company reported Monday. 'In the wake of Guitar Hero's success, we thought the public was more than ready for additional popular American musical genres in a simulated-performance format, but people don't seem to be responding to marches as well as we had hoped,' said Activision spokeswoman Melissa Hendleman, whose company spent an estimated $25 million developing the game for the PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and Wii consoles. Sousaphone Hero offers two dozen public-domain marches, including 1893's 'The Liberty Bell,' 1896's 'Stars and Stripes Forever,' and 1897's 'Entry of the Gladiators.' The bulky sousaphone-shaped controller coils around the body, and players wear white spat-like foot coverings fitted with sensors that monitor synchronized marching steps. As with the fret buttons on Guitar Hero's guitar peripheral, the sousaphone controller's three valves are color-coded to match on-screen notes the player must hit. Players may also choose from 27 different fat-guy characters who can be customized with Alpine hats, epaulets, and a mustache editor with a wide array of options. A gamer plays with a special wireless version of the sousaphone controller, meant to increase ease of play. Hendleman admitted that the $345 retail price might be a bit steep for many consumers. She also conceded that Activision may have erred by not releasing the game between Memorial Day and July 4, the prime parade season in the United States. Even so, she added, Sousaphone Hero contains 'more than enough' features to keep gamers absorbed. 'In the career mode, you can rise from playing in park gazebos for church picnics to performing in the halftime show of the Harvard-Yale game,' Hendleman said. 'If you score enough points, you can unlock the ultimate level: playing in the John Philip Sousaled Marine Band at Grover Cleveland's inauguration.' 'And if you like multiplayer gaming, you're in luck,' Hendleman continued. 'In Sousaphone Hero's cooperative marching-band mode, as many as 135 of your friends can play simultaneously.' Hendleman also emphasized the 'fun' rewards players receive as they become more proficient. If they hit enough correct notes in a row, the on-screen crowd yells 'huzzah' and 'bully,' and the sousaphone controller's spit valve will 'drain.' Flubbing notes, however, makes the controller 'fill' with spit, preventing further play and causing the crowd to throw rotten eggs at the hapless on-screen sousaphonist. If characters earn enough bonus points in career mode, they can spend their Liberty-head nickels on a red, green, or blue 'sock' for their sousaphone's bell, or an invigorating chunk of peanut brittle. Response to Sousaphone Hero on video-gaming message boards has been tepid at best. 'That controller is like 100 pounds even though its [sic] only plastic,' wrote mastagamer457, a moderator on one Sousaphone Hero message thread. 'I think I screwed up my shoulder pretty bad.' 'I played the career mode for three hours and kept feeling like I was playing the same annoying circus tune over and over,' kiLLlah_steVe of Columbus, OH wrote. 'On one song, you're forced to play the same two notes back and forth for 96 measures.' Others have complained that the third valve is used only at the expert level, that even proficient players only score a maximum of 60 points per song, and that the 'oompah' meter stays the same shade of gray even if every note is hit. Some also reported that, if not cleaned regularly, the plastic mouthpiece gets crusty. Professional sousaphone player Eric Winkler of New Orleans called the game 'laughably amateurish' and 'nothing like' the actual sousaphone-playing experience. 'The fingering's completely different, for starters,' he said. Due to the poor response to Sousaphone Hero, Activision has halted development of spin-off games Cymbal Hero, Glockenspiel Hero, and Steam Calliope Hero. |
0 | In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday. Per the court order, city workers take down the Christmas tree from New York's Rockefeller Plaza. 'In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful,' Judge Reinhardt said. 'The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesusbe it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst familiesis in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded.' In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say 'Merry Christmas.' Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say 'Happy Holidays' or 'Felices Fiestas' if they wish to extend good tidings. Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling. 'Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year,' Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene Ernot said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons. 'Write to your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It's up to you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!' Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: 'We're fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge.' Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry. 'They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades,' Fox News personality John Gibson said. 'Even before this ruling, you couldn't hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it, America, but I told you so.' Judge Stephen Reinhardt of the U.S. 9th Circuit of Appeals issues his ruling. Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas back to the United States and its retail stores. The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and subject their houses to random searches to ensure they are not celebrating Christmas. 'Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough,' Kennedy said. 'In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel comfortable in any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of this offensive holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the thought of offending any foreigners, atheists, or child molesters.' America's children are bearing the brunt of Reinhardt's marginal, activist rulings. 'Why did the bad man take away Christmas?' 5-year-old Danny Dover said. 'I made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it to her.' Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door, removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his homemade card underfoot. A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless. 'Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects,' Sen. Chip Pickering (R-MS) said. 'If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this time.' |
0 | COLUMBIA, SCAndrew Scully, 26, a bartender and wet-T-shirt-contest judge at local nightclub Deep Waters, has been accused of personal bias and 'legislating from the barstool' after ruling in favor of his girlfriend, Heather Swain, in Friday's 'Waters' Melons!!!' wet-T-shirt contest. 'Inevitably, my own perceptions will guide my interpretation and application of event guidelinesif that weren't a part of our system, we could just replace the judges with a tape measure,' said Scully, responding to bar patrons who said they believed that several contestants had breasts both larger and better-displayed than Swain's. 'I like to think of a wet-T-shirt contestant not as a rigid set of body-type rules, but as a living, breathing object.' Conservative leaders of the Federalist Wet-T-Shirt Contest Society are calling for Scully's resignation. |
0 | Forcing the grisly and rarely acknowledged practices into the public eye, a group of activists posted several disturbing videos online this week that expose how most meat products are eaten, sources confirmed. Secretly filmed on cell phones by individuals who reportedly witnessed the carnage firsthand, the exceedingly graphic footage depicts the gruesome ways in which beef, pork, and poultry are consumed all across the United States, detailing the gory process by which millions of these products are crammed into peoples jaws, rapidly torn to pieces, and ground into a pulpy, uniform slurry in a matter of seconds. The content of these videos is truly appalling, said advocate Kelly Midthun, who personally recorded unnerving instances of chicken tenders, steak tips, and other meat items being clamped between two rows of teeth and messily shredded one after the other with revolting rapidity. Just look at the horrifying images captured on film: Sausage links are severed in half; a medium rare ribeye is quickly reduced to a red, bloody puddle of juices; buffalo wings are rent apart, with their remnant bones and sinews collected in a grotesque pile. Its enough to make you sick. ABOVE: Watch the disturbing video [warning: graphic content] The sounds alone are stomach-turning, Midthun continued. All that gnashing, tearing, and labored breathing will haunt my thoughts for a long time. According to viewers, the grainy, furtively obtained videos present a stark picture of the horrors of mass meat consumption in the U.S., with many voicing their revulsion at images of spare ribs having their muscle tissue noisily yanked from the bone, cold cuts being ingested whole, and one particularly chilling episode in which a pulled pork sandwich is jarringly pulverized by slashing incisors as a combination of grease, saliva, and tangy St. Louisstyle barbecue sauce oozes out and collects in sizable pools on a chin and shirtfront. The videos, which were filmed in unsanitary, poorly lit locations such as living rooms, fast food restaurant dining areas, and parked cars, have reportedly repulsed viewers with horrific sequences in which animal skin, fat, and gristle is sent flying as meat is sliced with razor-sharp blades or even pried apart by bare hands. Given the extremely graphic nature of the footage, many viewers said the videos left them feeling deeply troubled and physically nauseated. That video is so awfulI havent been able to make it through the whole thing, said Miami resident Kara Gellar, 27, who emphasized that she cant imagine eating meat again after watching a mound of pastrami get caught in an overstuffed mouth and subsequently flushed out with a flood of Sprite Zero. Once it got to the hot dog part, I just had to turn it off. The people who allow thisthis horror to happen ought to be deeply ashamed of themselves. Needless to say, I dont think Ill ever be able to look at a bacon double cheeseburger the same way again, she added. While the video has raised controversy for its explicit content, many have also found themselves concerned for the psychological well-being of food service employees seen in these shocking videos who facilitate the consumption of meat products, all of whom are reportedly forced to witness such traumatic scenes on a daily basis. Specifically, many advocates have expressed worry that such steak house, delicatessen, and buffet laborers will become increasingly desensitized to the constant mutilation of animal products occurring right before their eyes. However, despite the visceral impact of the grisly videos, a number of observers claimed they werent particularly taken aback by the images, with most claiming that such ingestion practices, though they may outwardly appear barbaric or morbid, were ultimately unavoidable. I dont understand why everyones getting so worked up about this video; how did these people think this stuff was eaten? Seattle resident Peter Callahan told reporters, calling the meat consumption process a brutal but necessary step in the food chain. Honestly, it doesnt really bother me. Sure, its not pretty, but we as a species have been eating meat that way for thousands of years. And Im not going to stop eating footlong meatball subs just because someone doesnt like the way it looks, he added. |
0 | ITAMARAJU, BRAZILFour days after criminal organization Comando Vermelho seized control of the Novo Mundo Resort, activities director Janet Puchesy, 28, continues to make the most of the tense situation, bringing fun and creativity to the storage room where she and her fellow survivors are trapped, the hostage reported Monday. The Brazilian resort which employs Puchesy (inset). 'Okay, gang, who wants to have a sing-along?' Puchesy said quietly, hoping to avoid being added to the pile of nearly 30 resort guests and employees brutally slain so far during the takeover. 'Does anyone know 'Jesus Loves Me'? Okay, good, but remember to keep it down so they don't get angry and club one of us unconscious again. Okay? Okay. Now, who wants to lead it off?' Puchesy, a Boston native, has made a living as the upscale coastal resort's activities director since separating from her husband in May 2003. Little is known about this faction of the Comando Vermelho, other than that it is well-armed and demanding the sum of $500,000 from local government authorities for the return of the 44 remaining prisoners. Until the government complies, Puchesy will continue to use her extensive knowledge of arts and crafts to raise the spirits of her fellow hostages. Today, Puchesy taught fellow captives how to weave friendship bracelets using locks of hair cut from the heads of the corpses stacked at the back of the room. 'Okay, Gilberto, that's looking very nicemuch better than your last one,' Puchesy said, as she walked around the room checking on the progress of those coherent enough to join in the activity. 'Margaret, you'll need to stop your hands from shaking... Emilio, you have pretty steady hands. Maybe you could help Margaret out.' Continued Puchesy: 'When we're done with our bracelets, we should put our noggins together and brainstorm a way to cover up the stench coming from the bodies. Remember, there are no bad ideas.' Puchesy admitted that she has had a hard time keeping some of the hostages focused on group activities, especially when gunmen arrive with food or pull one of the women out of the room, only to drag her back in, nearly catatonic, hours later. 'Okay, everyone, relaxit was only a food drop-off this time, and we should be happy about that,' Puchesy said. 'Let's have some smiles instead of crying. Everyone's still here. So, whose turn is it to eat? Hands up if you ate yesterday. Some of us who ate yesterday aren't raising our hands. Stan? Thank you! That wasn't so hard, now, was it?' While she said she believes that it's important to keep the group unified, Puchesy tries to facilitate closer ties by breaking detainees into smaller groups based on common interests, such as crafting weapons to fight the captors, praying, or curling up against the wall while staring off into space. 'I'll be over there to check out the progress on your conch-shell knife in a second, but it's my turn to lead charades,' Puchesy said. 'Now, can I remind everyone not to make the answers so grim this time? If I see one more person trying to act out 'living hell' by pointing around the room, I swear we'll go back to playing 10-word story.' Puchesy said she attributes her survival to her positive attitude, as well as to the fact that she was teaching a pottery class at the time of the attack, and was therefore not wearing her work uniform and lanyard. 'I was super-duper lucky that I was dressed in street clothes, since our captors cut the throats of all the resort employees,' Puchesy said. 'But then again, my Mom always said that luck doesn't just happen. You have to make it happen. Well, I'm just happy to be alive and helping peopleknock on wood!' Even in the face of the tragedy, Puchesy said she intends to keep doing what she does best, by scheduling and overseeing guests' activities, even if she no longer has access to her supplies. 'Helping people forget their troubles and have a good time is what I was trained to do,' Puchesy said. 'I only wish we had more room to do our morning stretches, and that I had my clipboard so I wouldn't need to scratch out the days' events on the wall with a rock.' |
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